art-of-mathematics

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Now, I've got the patron saint of us trans fellas:

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Recently, I came to realize the far-fetching span of my deficits.

But, as to not indulge too deep into the details, I attempt to stay solution-focussed:

It has led me to re-evaluate my key-values and especially life goals. I also shifted from asking myself 'What do I want to achieve in my life?' towards 'What do I want to experience?' and 'Which impact would I like to have on my (personal and/or non-personal) environment?'

I realized that personal relationships and building community are far more important than I thought at first.

As I neglected the sentimental and beautiful aspects of mundane life and discredited the value of experiencing life in the moment for far too long, I consider these to be key drives for the life I am leading now.

Life gets alive in the moment you experience it. And I am thankful for being given the opportunity to experience all that - in midst of the sorrow and grief, there is also hope and joy.

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[art-of-mathematics]

Spring sun.ೃ࿔*:･

print ❤︎

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Please enjoy my recent silly presentation:

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I take 5 of these autism-friendly stickers, please.

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it did not fullfill my wish:(

instead it gave me depresso and intrusive thoughts.

i am bored.

brain, please give me motivating and also realistic new projects.

thanks.

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Sunday is grief day

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on top of that the diagnostician also mentioned there's a second large pillar to my case - which belongs to the trauma category - reactive attachment disorder - caused by the neglect and abuse.

and yeah... he said, metaphorically: "You have both fleas and lice"...

The trauma and the neuromental/developmental (adhd and autism) are very entangled, as this neurotype already has problems with sensory processing/sensory integration and executive functioning - and the traumarelated disorder worsens the sensory integration abilities.

also: my nervous system is constantly overreacting because these two "pillars" interact so strongly. and even minor inconviences like noise can trigger a lot of other shit.

and it makes me angry and sad.

i wouldn't be unemployed, that much chronically ill and mentally a useless slime if the trauma didn't exacerbate this neurotype's difficult aspects.

but it is as it is...

this way i feel as if i am forced to be in a constant state of frustration and unsatisfaction, feeling stupid all the time because my brain just needs so much time to filter sensory information. simultaneously I am so bored and also underchallenged in other stuff.

damn. my working memory is overcrowded and my memory processing is very sluggish, because i don't have a pre-set sensory filter that filters out all the unnecessary information.

the diagnoses help me somehow, but they also leave a very large and heavy hole in my chest and mind, that I didn't foresee in any way.

what made me sentimental: He said "I am impressed you can still laugh and appear joyful after so many hardships." Also, as he mentioned he regularly sees biographies like mine, I felt ache.

And it reminded me of the very large suffering my community had to endure.

There is a lot to process, cognitively, but especially emotionally.

my silly ass is now officially adhd and autism certified™

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my silly ass is now officially adhd and autism certified™

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i am bored.

brain, please give me motivating and also realistic new projects.

thanks.

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i am sooo so sleepy-eepy-beepy. my brain will soon go brrrr.

(straight into the somnolence mode)

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actually now i’m curious

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laptop with seven fold-out screens