#and I need to try to think back on the positives of the ldr I had instead of the negatives

[eloquent-edits]

🗡️ Trust, we’ll be together soon

think of me with all that you see 🗡️ prompts for long distance romance

Character A asks about character B’s favorite flowers, then sends B pictures of the flowers whenever they find them

Stargazing across the world by pointing out the same constellations

A calling B on the way to work in their morning, describing the scenery and how the leaves are changing

B traveling to a new country and shipping a couple souvenirs to A because they think A would love the trinkets

B lives in a crowded city and their heart skips a beat when they catch a glimpse of someone who looks like A

A brewing their cup of coffee in the same way that B likes it because maybe they’ll like it too (or maybe they won’t and now A needs to convince B to change their ways)

Their vastly different music taste means that A associates a whole genre of music with B and will text B if they hear any song that remotely resembles what they like

B noting down places in the city that A might want to visit, plus some cute spots to take pictures or go on dates together

Date night where A and B deliver the same type of meal to each other and talk over a call while eating it (bonus: they rate the meal afterwards and if they both love it, it goes on the list of favorite restaurants)

A realizes that B’s state/country/continent doesn’t have a specific animal that’s super common and spamming B with pictures and facts about it

[nzchance]

Buck and seeking permission to pursue someone [Tommy] AKA why Buck keeps asking about calling him (and why he hasn't called)

In 8x7, Buck asks Maddie and Chimney: "Wait, so y-you think I should call Tommy?" after he explains his new baking habit and Maddie opines that it doesn't seem like a more positive response to the breakup.

Also in 8x7, Buck asks the 118 after The Bubbling: "You think I should call him, right?" After Hen tell him definitely not, he even pushes back by asking, "What if he's in trouble and he needs my help?"

In 8x11, Buck asks Maddie again during the conversation about the Eddie thing: "I should call him, huh?"

I've seen people frustrated at these scenes and their writing. There's annoyance at it being a contrived way to drag out the storyline with Tommy, wondering why Buck keeps asking if he should call instead of deciding on his own that that's what he wants to do and what he should do.

I was in this camp myself at first. The more I think about it though, I think it makes sense not just because The Narrative demands it and the will they/won't they must play out. It also makes sense for Buck's character to be doing this.

The main throughline of Buck's storyline post-8x06 - and a large part of his character overall - has been built around his abandonment issues. Many people have already made observations about Buck being a clinger, but allow me to make the point again just to create a contrast between his clinging and his lacking instinct for pursuit.

The key to Buck's clinging response I think is he only "activates" it when the person he fears abandoning him is still there. With Taylor we all saw his loaded reasoning for asking to move in together. With Eddie going to Texas he fumbles his way through an attempted perhaps subconscious sabotage with the potential subletters. Even the proposal to move-in together with Tommy can be viewed through the clinging lens because the Abby revelation raised a red flag for Buck and caused him enough panic to confide in Maddie about it. The bar hook-up can be framed as this too. He propositions Tommy when they see each other by chance again. He didn't chase him, but he clung once he was there.

I struggled a little with regards to the lawsuit arc and how to think of that. It is for sure part of the thread of Buck's abandonment anxieties. I think the reason I'm torn about thinking of it is that a large part of it is Buck feeling excluded from firefighting - not really a person or people abandoning him but something he wants to be able to do being taken from him. I think you could argue Buck's lawsuit is him pursuing having firefighting in his future. In terms of the people though, in terms of the 118, I think Buck was clinging to them by what he did even though the lawsuit was an act that ended up pushing them away. Their "abandonment" of him wasn't total before he decided to pursue the case. The 118 were still there in Buck's life - Buck was still seeing Bobby and Athena, eating dinner with them after he gets his placement as fire marshal and he sees them on the job. Crucially, he was told a place was being held for him but he was impatient about the timeframe, scared of what any amount of time separated would do to their found family. He hadn't lost the 118 yet but he thought he would, so he held on and clung by trying to force a way to come back early.

Now, when it comes to pursuit? When the abandonment has already happened and the people are already gone? It's not usually part of Buck's playbook.

With Abby, he was in denial for a time of being abandoned at all. He waited for her as their LDR petered out but didn't try what Chimney did with chasing Maddie to Boston nor did we see him confrontationally ask Abby to return to him when he understood she had really left him. These two are less major incidents featuring people less important to Buck, but that fall into the same pattern of him just letting people go: Buck followed Connor to LA but after falling out of touch with him, he only saw Connor again when Connor came back to ask for something he needed from Buck. When Ali leaves after she can't take being a firefighter's partner, she's literally never heard of again.

Currently, a big example of this? It's implied from the conversation with Maddie that Buck hasn't called Eddie since he left for El Paso either. He only says he will call him after Maddie tells him to do so.

In terms of Buck pursuing someone, reaching out and trying to keep someone in his life who currently isn't, the only times I can think of him doing so - to me - are with Maddie. First, after the motorcycle accident and then with the postcards. When Maddie leaves with Doug to study nursing, Buck lets 8 years pass and only begs to move in with Maddie and Doug after the motorcycle accident/tuition and dropping out debacle. I think we're not entirely sure of their level of communication during the 8 years but we know Buck at 29 remained resentful of this period and that when Buck asked for their reunion it's under duress and out of need to get out of a bad situation and not out of desire to be together again. So it's a circumstance-based pursuit and he doesn't do it wholeheartedly. With the postcards - he does want to reconnect with Maddie, but it took him a while to start sending those after he began his nomad life if I recall correctly? (Someone tell me if I haven't.) Arguably the second separation between Maddie and Buck might also be something Buck doesn't see as a strict abandonment from Maddie either. He had his own agency in choosing to go even if it was without her.

Maddie occupies a unique position in Buck's life being the most important person in it up to this point given he hasn't found or settled down with The One yet. So him breaking his patterns for coping with abandonment (even reluctantly) with her makes sense. It's just not something we see him do with anyone else and even with Maddie it wasn't right away and something had to push him to do it the first time.

What I'm getting at is that Buck is used to being left behind and staying there. He's used to never reaching out a hand to someone who's gone in case it isn't taken. But... He clearly wants to do that with Tommy. He's never really reacted to abandonment this way and he wants someone to tell him his reaction is okay. He wants to call and he wants someone to tell him that he can! (Otherwise, I think this man will just wait for the invisible string to put him and Tommy in the same bar again or the same scene of an emergency.)

The extra-canon material in TM's interview where he says Buck doesn't call? Can also fit with this in-universe explanation. Though the quote to me comes across as an out-of-universe attempt by the showrunner to let us know that we shouldn't expect much or any Tommy storyline development yet in the next few episodes.

[pedrosbrat]

HAPPINESS IS A BUTTERFLY {Frankie x F!Reader}

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 8.5K

Warnings: alcohol,SMUT, oral sex (f! receiving) ,vaginal sex, unprotected sex (wrap the shlong!) , ANGST, mention of addiction orgasm, A LOT of feelings, pregnancy … (I might have forgot some so tell me pls)

Summary:This fic is inspired by the movie the hook up plan (and the title of the fic by LDR)

You decide to form your own family without waiting a second for a man... But a certain man will come into your life and change all your plans...

Little Comment : Hi everyone, it’s my first fic about Frankie,and I want to thanks @absurdthirst for correcting it! I hope yall will like it (if you see any mistakes let me know and I will correct it) and I am sorry for the lack of fic Im a student so I don't really have the time to write BUT please IF YOU ARE A MINOR Don’t read this chapter! It’s 100% smut!

like and reblog are appreciated 🖤

You never thought your life would turn out like this.

You always wanted to have a job before anything else, to have a stable life, before anything else... But you also always wanted to have a family of your own, a family you never really had when you were younger.

So at the age you are now, you decided it was about time to try to start a family of your own...

With or without a man by your side.

You've been waiting for the doctor for a good ten minutes now, legs up in the air looking at your pedicure, thinking that maybe you should have prepared yourself more for this.

"Hello Madame!"

You sit up slightly and smile, seeing the doctor come forward with the sperm from the donor you chose a few weeks ago.

You smile back a little awkwardly and position yourself in front of your private parts, making small talk, explaining that you need to relax and all that sort of thing... But you don't really listen to him, you just look at the ceiling hoping that it all will work out, that even if it's not the way you wanted to have children, that you would have preferred to find true love, a love that everyone has sold you for years, a love sold to little girls from a very young age... A false vision of life.

But you don't feel sorry for yourself, you've learned more every day of your life and decided to forge your own vision of happiness, and thank goodness for that, otherwise you would have had far too high expectations of the world, far too false, and probably would have ended up depressed, or in a relationship that you would have forced to be perfect.

So here you are, in this room, creating your version of happiness, hoping that it will work the first time.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

After standing with your legs in the air for a good ten minutes following the doctor's insertion of your donor's semen, you leave the clinic with a smile on your face and take a taxi, trying to keep your legs dry, foolishly thinking that it might all fall apart.

« 7 St… »

You pause when you notice that a man has just climbed in from the side of the road at the same time as you. He stares at you for a few seconds and then turns to the driver.

“Could you take me to…”

"Excuse me sir, but this is my taxi."

“What you own it ?”

“No but I am about to rent it!”

“ well we could share it.”

"I have to stop at my house to change and go across town for a party at a friend's house, I don't think you want to wait that long. So you could just get off and take another taxi"

" I got in first "

"I'm pretty sure I got in first, pretty sure that if we ask the driver, he can confirm it!"

The driver, who was watching you in the rear-view mirror, took in the magazine and pretended he hadn't heard.

You slump back in your seat and fold your arms, knowing you're about to get engeared again by Nina who is trying for the fourth time to introduce you to her boyfriend.

"She'll end up thinking I'm doing it on purpose..."

The man next to you removed his cap to fix his hair, and got out of the taxi without saying a word.

You suddenly feel slightly guilty for having chased him away like that but you are far too eager for remorse towards a stranger, and ask the driver to hurry up as you are already far too late

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

Nina walks towards you with her arms wide open and a smile on her face, jumping up and down with the joy and good humour she always exudes.

"You came!!!"

"I told you I would".

"You also said that the other three times... So the doctor?"

"I don't know yet it's too early but I hope it worked..."

"I'm going to be an aunt..."

"I'm going to be a mum mostly"

"Never mind" she said as she pulled you by the arm "this is William"

You find yourself in front of a rather tall man with blond hair and a rather sweet smile, who holds out his hand to you and you take it, telling him your name.

"Will will be enough"

You smile at him and your gaze drifts to the group of boys he was talking to just a few moments ago, all of them looking at you and greeting you with a slight shake of the head after Nina introduced you as her best friend. And you returned their greetings until your gaze landed on one of them.

"The taxi thief"

"You left me the taxi..." you said, smiling, still feeling a little guilty, wondering if he was going to be unpleasant with you, and thinking that it would be totally deserved. But no, he just gave a slight smile and took a sip of his beer.

You smile back at him without saying anything, watching him turn to the beers and offer you one, which you politely refuse.

He's quite handsome, you think, watching him chat with the other boys... Well, he doesn't really chat, he seems to listen to them and not say anything, probably being the quiet one of the group... Not like that Benny who talks a LOT, but seems to be a lovely person.

The evening is beginning to fall and you feel that you are not likely to go home despite being tired, trying to please your best friend. Nevertheless, you decide to move away to the terrace to get some fresh air, to enjoy some peace and quiet and you are obviously not the only one who had this idea.

"Is the seat taken?" you ask the handsome dark-haired man, whose name you still don't know.

He turns to you and smiles again, more strongly than before, bringing out lovely dimples and slight creases near his eyes... Those beautiful brown eyes that suddenly give you butterflies in your stomach.

"I don't own it and I am not about to rent it" he laughs at you

"I'm still sorry about that... I felt bad after you know..." You stop and see that you still don't know his name. You stop and realize that you still don't know his first name

"Francisco...Frankie" he says to you, holding out his hand.

You grabbed it and told him your name again.

"There's nothing wrong, I saw you coming out of the clinic so I thought you must be ill.

"Not really... but thanks"

He looked at you for a few seconds before taking a sip of his beer.

"So I lost my taxi for nothing.

"Oh no, it was for a good cause, I can assure you.

"And what do I get from this good action?"

You understand where he's heading but you can't do that, not in the state you're in... But you don't know what state you're in, you don't know it worked... So it can't hurt you… can it...

"And what would Francisco-"

"Frankie."

"FRANSISCO."

He doesn't answer for a few seconds and turns to you, putting his beer down.

"You're annoying you know"

"And you seem to like it"

He opens his lips and changes his mind, then says nothing for a few seconds, and you wonder if you have been too rough.

You don't know that he's already thinking about taking you out to dinner, while wondering if you'd accept a former addict with a child and a rather unpleasant ex-wife... You don't know that he thinks he's much too lowly for you, a mere woman he's talked to for less than twenty minutes in his life.

You don't know what he's thinking about, but you can see that he's thinking about a lot of things for a simple proposition that you made to him.

"If I've gone too far I apologise I-"

"No! No, it's just that... I'm - I'm thinking about a lot of things, sorry..."

He runs his hand through his hair again, lifting his cap slightly, and turns to the crowd.

You feel an awkwardness coming on between you and decide to leave first so you don't have to go through the fake apology part, not understanding where this all went wrong... You were chatting pretty well...

You sneak through the crowd touching your belly hoping more than anything that it worked, because you're sure of it now, it's the only love and happiness you'll have for the rest of your life...

"I have to go Nina I don't feel well..."

"You think this is..."

she says, pointing to your belly

"Probably" you lie to her

You place a quick kiss on her cheek and pull yourself away from the crowd to feel tears running down your cheeks, tired of trying...

But before you could walk away, you suddenly felt a hand grab your arm on your way out.

"Where are you going?" said Frankie with a puppy look on his face, how gives you another time butterflies in your belly.

"I don't feel very well..."

He stands in front of you for a few seconds, and seems to hesitate, before resuming.

"Can I have your number? I'd like to take you somewhere... I don't know where yet but somewhere..."

"I thought you were trying to get away from me outside to be honest"

"I've got some problems I don't want... I don't know if they'll be a problem for you..."

You look at him and realise that he looks more than sincere and quite worried, that he has self-confidence issues, and that you may have judged him a bit too quickly. So you reach out and grab his phone.

"Try to use this number, I'd be pretty disappointed if you didn't Francisco..."

He gives you a shy smile and you slip away, leaving his beautiful smile frozen in your mind.

When you turned on your phone the next day you already had a message from that dear Frankie, asking if you had slept well and if you would like to spend an afternoon in the park with him.

His message put a smile on your face, thinking that his first instinct was to ask you if you had slept well, a thoughtful and kind man like you have never known and then you smile at his request....

You couldn't help but smile all day as he told you stories about him and his friends, and then when he asked you to go for an ice cream in the hot weather, to sit by the fountains, to enjoy the nice weather... You had a nice afternoon, the kind of afternoon you haven't had with a man since... well, since forever when you think about it. He is simply gentle, kind, without any specific ideas in his every move or action, or maybe he has some but in his cases, he hides it very well from you...

you find yourself fantasizing about the slightest smile he gives you, the shine of his skin in the heat, wondering if he'll be like that when he will thrust into you...

You spent many afternoons like that, in the park, at the bookstore, where he just seemed to want to have a good time with you. And every night, when he walked you home, he would just watch you close the door, never accepting any of your invitations to go home, but making sure you got home.

And you watched him all those nights walking away down the street illuminated by the street lights, smiling from your window, butterflies in your stomach...

A whole week went by at this pace, where a friendship formed faster than you would have thought with this man you got to know a little more each day, you learned that he had a daughter named Isabella, only 2 years old, that his former marriage did not end well, and he promised you that one day you would meet the little Isabella...

Your phone vibrates and that smile that has become a daily occurrence appears with his name on your screen: pack a swimming costume and something to sleep in, I'll pick you up in 10 minutes. You don't ask any questions and answer with a simple "ok" before running to change and pack a beach bag.

When the car honks, you're already on the front porch and climbing in before it's time to go downstairs to open the door. He's so handsome today... He always is, actually, but those sunglasses... that white shirt accentuating those shoulders even more... that hair shining in the sun... and that smile he gives you when you stand next to him...

Butterflies in your stomach... that's all you have... butterflies...

My god what is he doing to me...

"Hello Francisco"

"Fran... I don't know why I keep trying"

"I don't understand either" you say, placing a kiss on his cheek "Is it going to be a long way to the beach?"

"I never said we were going to the beach" he says with a smile.

You don't pick up on the fact that he obviously doesn't specify the destination out of sheer will...

And God forbid, he smells so good...

Frankie blushes slightly at your light kiss and feels his cock twitching in his Bermuda shorts, at the scent of your body that he craves every moment he's around you...

"Dada?"

You jump and turn around to acknowledge the presence of a beautiful little girl, darker skinned than Frankie but way less than you, with the same hair, the same big curls, and the same beautiful dark chocolate eyes...

"You must be Isabella," you say, touching her foot.

She smiles to reveal beautiful dimples, and small teeth that make you feel warm... She is so beautiful... Like him...

"She looks a lot like you"

"Apparently" he said as he started to drive "I'm sorry her mother dropped her off at the last minute"

"I don't mind, I've always loved children... I've always wanted one and..."

You suddenly cut yourself off, remembering your procedure, having totally forgotten to check if it had worked... You've spent so much time with him... Thinking about him... That you forgot this very big detail...

Frankie put his hand on your leg that sent shivers down your spine.

"Are you OK? You don't look well..."

"Yes I'm fine thanks, I forgot to do something very important..."

" I can go back if you want?"

"No Frank-Francisco, it's okay, it can wait until tonight"

He smiles as he realizes that you were going to call him what he would want you to call him and gets on the highway.

He doesn't remember being so comfortable with a woman... He hated you for a moment in that taxi, but liked you straight away a few hours after he had actually met you. It was never like that with Isabella's mother, his relationship with her was all arguments and sex when he had to forgive himself, stress and lack of compassion when he had his drug problems and his only comfort was in Isabella's presence, the only good thing to come out of his marriage.

She didn't give him the thoughts he has about you, about wanting to be next to you, about dreaming of your perfume at all times of the day, about watching and recording every part of your body and later touching himself thinking of your lips on him, your body against his. Oh it will be a long road...

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

Isabella runs out of the car as you drop her on the ground in front of what appears to be a beautiful family home.

You look around and see no other house, only this one, set on a large plot of land, overlooking a green valley... A peaceful place...

"It's so beautiful... Where are we?"

"At Isabella's and my house," he says, taking your bags. "I started construction a few years ago after... After I earned some money... In South America"

You nod and join Isabella as she beckons you from the doorway to come and open it for her, probably looking forward to playing with her toys.

"There's a room for you opposite hers, mine's down the hall," he says quickly before being swept away by the little tornado pulling him by the leg.

You walk towards the room leaving them to settle in.

A nice little room, with light falling directly into the room, filled with plants and colours illuminating the room, a very welcoming place where you could once again see yourself spending several moments... That is, if you are not pregnant...

"I'm going to get some pizzas - is there one you like in particular?"

"We don't have any to make? It might be fun for Isabella".

Frankie smiles at the thought of including Isabella in your plans, already seeing you as a good mother figure to her

"I... I don't really know how to cook," he says a little embarrassed

"Well, I can! Let's go and have a look... ISABELLA DO YOU WANT TO MAKE PIZZAS?"

Your question was followed by babbling and small steps coming in your direction, making you a smile...

The pizza workshop went exactly as you imagined it would in some respects: Isabella putting food everywhere but on the pizza dough, in her pretty little curls that you promised to wash afterwards. And other less predictable parts...

Frankie running his hands around you to add things to the pizza, his body grazing you every time he passes behind you, not enough to be indecent but enough to make you feel what you want to feel. And you pray with each pass that there will be another one, that he will put his arms around you out of pure desire and not the intention of putting damn cheese on one of the pizzas...

Frankie remained posed at the start of your little activity in the doorway to the side, swearing he was cursed with food. He just watched you and Isabella, looking carefully at your body, at your buttocks on which he imagined he would place kisses and slaps... Grabbing this hips to give you only what you deserved...

Then he joined you in the composition and only in the composition he said... He took the opportunity to wrap his body around you, not in the way he would like but close enough to you, holding back from putting his daughter to bed in the moment and then taking care to put you in his.

This is how the evening went... For the composition... And the cooking... And the film, where Isabella fell asleep in your arms and Frankie couldn't help but imagine you more and more in his life every moment...

When he went to put his daughter to bed you watched him do it from the corner of your own door, just smiling at the small gesture of natural affection he has with her, a pure love he seems to have only for her.

Such a thought makes you run a light hand over your belly, like an instinct of love that would be coming for yourself, but this brings you back again to a closer reality, to the man who is coming towards you from his daughter's room, a man with whom you could have envisaged a future if you had waited one more week...

"You really seem like a good father to her."

"I'm not perfect... but I try for her"

"Did you always want kids?" you say as you follow him into the kitchen, where he pulls a beer from the fridge and offers you a glass of water after that you had refused the beer.

"Yes... But there was a time when I was sure I wouldn't have any.

You raised an eyebrow, quite intrigued, encouraging her to tell you her story

"... I didn't think anyone would want a child with someone like me."

You laugh inwardly, not seeing what he's talking about, thinking about how perfect he is with his daughter, how sweet he is, and the most obvious thing is that he's a very handsome man... Very handsome man...

"I don't understand why Francisco... You're a pilot, kind, very gentle, a great listener and...-"

You think before you say too much but in this case compliments never hurt anyone... right?

"-And a very handsome man. So I don't see why... I don't understand why a woman wouldn't want to have children with you... I think you're flawed like the rest of us, but not so flawed that you couldn't consider a life with someone..."

Frankie doesn't answer you right away, slightly reluctant to tell you anything as profound as what you're about to give him, but he feels strangely a bit more comfortable with you than with other people he talks to in everyday life...

"I was an addict not so long ago... I took some things that changed me for a while, thinking they would help me in a certain period of my life... And I..."

He pauses for a moment, and you place your hand on his and smile, understanding that despite his desire to talk about it with you, he is nevertheless not comfortable with the subject at the moment...

"You don't have to talk to me about this right now... Or ever if you're not comfortable with it, but you know... I'll never judge you for it... Everyone has a vice that could have ruined their life at some point you know... I'm thirty years old you know and I've always killed myself at work, favouring my work above all else... And when I say everything I mean everything... I wasn't seeing anyone, I... I'm not comparing my little situation to what you went through, never, but I just want to... At least I'm trying to tell you that you don't have to be ashamed of that. We've all had bad times in our lives, addictions, low moments... It happens to everyone, and that's no reason to think you're entitled to less than others..."

You pause, noticing that he says nothing, and find only his brown eyes deeply focused on you. You wonder what he's thinking, how he feels about your words.

He lightly presses the hand he has in yours and places a kiss on it without taking his eyes off you

Refusing to take his eyes off you. A woman so beautiful, so kind... A woman who he is convinced he doesn't deserve.

"I'm going to bed... I"

He paused for a moment as he walked down the corridor to his room and finally turned to face you

"Thank you" he said nothing more, nothing less and before you could reply he had disappeared.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

When you wake up (a little later than you would have liked), Frankie's daughter is gone. Her mother apparently picked her up during the day, having forgotten that they were invited to a family party… But Frankie doesn’t seem convinced about it…

So, you spend most of your morning thinking about the previous day's events while chatting with him, and quietly watching him in your corner, observing how those puppy dog eyes crinkle up completely when he laughs, how his shoulders look much wider than they already are when he bends over to pick something up, and you allow yourself the freedom to wonder what his broad shoulders might look like on top of you…

And Frankie's wandering movements are not as light as they were the day before, when there was still a child in the room and he couldn't grab your hips as he passes you like he does throughout the day whenever he's in your path, and you don’t know it, but he's also observing you, discreetly, keeping the memory of your scent on his mind every time you pass him, hoping never forget and never has to forget every single detail of it.

You don't want to and can't let anything happen between the two of you, but you want him to touch you, you can't say no to him and let yourself succumb to his kiss, you'd let his body crush against yours without struggling, you want him more than anything... But life has decided otherwise, and you can't do that to a man as good as him... Don't tell him that you're probably going to be a mother...

Later in the afternoon you lay on the chairs behind the house, watching Frankie uproot dead plants for which he refused your help.

He only asked for your help to pass him a few small tasks like bringing him something, or checking his phone, or in this case drinking.

You handed him his glass with a straw, and he tried to take it from your hand, but you pulled him back and put the straw to his mouth

"Your hands are dirty" you said, putting the straw in his mouth.

He watched you for a few seconds and took the straw into his mouth without taking his eyes off you. You watched him for a few seconds, exercising such a harmless movement and yet... Seeing him swallow that water, while looking into your eyes simply made you lose your nerve for a long moment, making you bite your lips against your will... Your face is getting dangerously close to Frankie's and the glass that was between you is no more. You suddenly share his air, though your breath is completely cut off, trembling slightly as you feel his hand brush against your arm without reaching for it, lest you get dirty.

You close your eyes and your lips pause in front of Frankie's, feeling his nose close to yours, the heat of his body invading your space, that little moment between your lips feels like an eternity, your breath completely cut off, waiting only for the moment when one of you decides to put his lips on the other's burning body.

And you feel him coming towards you... A little more... A little more... And suddenly Frankie stops, stepping back, leaving you to foolishly watch him walk away and answer a call.

You don't know where to put yourself and decide to simply sit back down, without talking about it... Because he doesn't know how to pass... When the opportunity was there...

"We have to go back," he says suddenly, cutting you off.

"Is there a problem?"

"No, don't worry, I'm only called away on a job tomorrow morning... And I'd rather be in town already, you know..."

"Oh yes of course!" You say, giving him a pouty smile, secretly sad that you won't be able to spend more time with him, and hurry to your room to gather your things.”

On the way home there is not a word exchanged and you wonder if he is as disappointed as you are...

Frankie can see that your face is less jovial than usual and feels a little guilty, he doesn't know why but instinctively does, and simply puts his hand on your thigh and strokes it lightly.

It's only then that you realise how tense you were and relax a little, putting your hand on his without really thinking about it.

When he drops you off at home your heart squeezes slightly in the same way that his does when you leave.

You fall against the wall of your house and feel your heart pounding in your chest, so much so that you don't immediately hear it pounding against your door, wondering how you can stay friends with him when your heart has this kind of reaction. You get up weakly, more exhausted than anything else, wondering who could be coming to see you at such a late hour, but when you open the door you realise it's only Frankie...

"Did I forget something?" you ask.

He stands there for a second before pressing his lips to yours.

You'd like to push him away... No you wouldn't, you'd like it to stay like this forever... And you return his kiss wrapping your arms around his neck, letting yourself get lost in the little space you share, letting yourself breathe his air that you've wanted to breathe so many times. You let him hold you tightly, to the point where your bodies could merge, you want that... to have him inside you forever...

You suddenly feel something pressed against you, something growing, something you want more than anything else at this moment... But you push him away lightly reminding yourself that you still haven't done your test, swallowing the sweet thought of being crushed by his body, while being brutally pounded inside...

"Sorry, I didn't mean to... I should have asked you..." he says to you with a slightly broken look in his eyes... Another rejection he must be thinking.

"No, I wanted to... It's just that I'm tired and... Just drop in one night, this week... If you can... Please..."

You wrap your arms around his neck like you would with a friend, to give him a hug and don't get his hopes up too high even if you just asked him to come over on night, before continuing in a low voice in his ear "I'll cook and we can talk if you want..."

He doesn't really want to talk anymore, but smiles at you with another idea in mind , and then, pulls away from you slightly to look at you with a slight smile on his face, keeping his hand on the back of your neck, caressing it lightly, giving you the tenderness you need once again. You close your eyes and let him cherish you for a few seconds before he places a kiss on your forehead and moves towards the door.

"I'll come by in a couple of days if you're free?"

You nod with a smile, and watch him get into his truck, then drive away from you, again...

You hate it...

When you lock the door to your house, you run into the bathroom and unwrap the test and use it. You don't really know what you want: on the one hand, you've always wanted this child if he's already here... But on the other hand, this could possibly prevent you from having a possible future with the first man who seems to suit you...

After taking the test you sit on the cold bathroom floor not knowing which option you prefer and wonder why you can't have both...

When the test comes up a wave of joy comes over you, followed by a moment of sadness as you realise that nothing will be possible with Frankie... Those butterflies that you feel every moment you spend with him escape your life and disappear from your sight: you are pregnant.

You walk away with the test in your hand into your living room and look at him smiling in spite of yourself, realising that you want this more than anything else.

You want that little baby.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

The days passed and you already started to look for ways to arrange your little flat for a new little being. You didn't reply to Frankie after you told him you didn't want that dinner after all. You didn't open the door when he came to your door and asked if he could talk to you, if there was something wrong...

You couldn't answer him so you just locked yourself in your room crying waiting for him to leave that day... And you haven't heard from him since... For almost three weeks now...

Nina jumped for joy when you told her the news and you made her promise not to tell Will or the others, not wanting Frankie to know about this... Not yet.

The next day she insisted on taking you to the funfair in town, claiming that you don't get out enough and that you have time to prepare for the arrival of the little one she says she's going to cherish as much as you.

And she was right about you not getting out enough: the crowd makes you anxious, too many people all at once, enough people that you don't realise there's a child clinging to your legs until you try to take another step. As you look down you see a little face you know well smiling at you, giving you her beautiful dimples: Isabella...

You bend down to hug her and see the boys over her shoulder with her father... Of course...

You turn to Nina and give her a dark look. But she pretends not to understand.

You turn to Nina and give her a glare, but she pretends not to understand, "Oh boys... what a coincidence to find you here..."

Will smiles at you understanding what she wanted to do and before you could say hello to him, Frankie came over and gave his daughter a candyfloss.

"Hello," he said without looking up at you.

"Francisco..."

He smiled bitterly before taking his daughter's hand and handing it to Pope, who gave you a slight smile in greeting, presumably knowing what you put his best friend through.

"Have I done something to you?" said Frankie before the other guys had even gotten far away enough.

"No..."

"Then what? Why didn't you ever answer me? Or open up?And I know you were there... I just wanted to talk to you... Just to know..."

When you finally looked him in the eye you could see a confused and probably hurt man...

"Is it because of my past? I thought that -"

"I'm pregnant Francisco!"

Your eyes widen as you realise that this is only coming out to not let him think that this is all his fault, to not let him spin a little more around his deepest insecurity.

You can't look him in the eye though, you don't want to see the disgust he might have at the thought that you might have let him think you could have something when in the end you were only wasting his time.

You suddenly felt his hand around your wrist and before you knew it, you were away from the crowd by the parking lots.

"There was that night at my house, when I was drinking but I don't remember drinking that much."

"No Francisco this is not yours... you are not..."

You can't finish your sentence and burst into tears in front of him, feeling guilty about the situation.

Frankie can see that you look lost and simply hugs you, hating to see you like this. You hold him tighter than you'd like, feeling his scent settle around you, a comforting smell that you've missed so much. He lets go of you after a long minute to pick up his phone and walks away for a few seconds (you hate this fucking phone, always taking him away from you), before beckoning you to come with him.

"Where are we going?"

"To your place... or mine, but we need to talk in private and quiet space."

"Isabella..."

"I just got her godfather, he'll take care of her for as long as I need..."

Pope...

You nod and get into his truck, thanking God you came in Nina's car and not yours.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

You're a little anxious as you walk to the kitchen, fiddling with the bottom of your dress, wondering what he's going to say about all this, but you don't expect much to be positive ... probably by fear of being disappointed, as you've always been

You offer him a beer on the way back, which he declines before you sit down opposite him at the table.

"Why didn't you tell me?..."

"I didn't know... I wasn't sure..."

"No, I mean after our weekend... Why did you just... I'm a friend of Will, and you're with his girlfriend, I would have eventually seen that you have a child at some point..."

"I felt like I wasted your time... I wasted it all so I just cut it off"

He watches you for a few seconds and finally gets up to get a beer from the fridge.

"Do you know who the father is? Not that it matters... But is he still around?"

"...I don't know actually... I had an insemination..."

He nods with a neutral look on his face, which disturbs you to no end. You'd really think he'd be a bit more responsive to all this despite his rather gentle nature...

"Do you know if it's a girl or a boy?"

You tilt your head to the side, not sure if he's serious, or if he's planning to make fun of you at some point, that he's trying to stay calm and not snap.

"Francisco... You don't seem to be reacting to the situation"

"How would you like me to react?"

"I don't know..."

He again sees a kind of emptiness forming in your eyes which he gradually loses, thoughts clouding your mind: you are anxious. So he comes over and sits down, putting his hand on yours and forcing you to focus on him again.

"You wanted this child, didn't you?"

"YES ... yes. More than anything.

"...And I want to be with you."

You look up into his eyes, your eyebrows furrowed, tears welling up in your eyes, not understanding how he could want a woman who is carrying someone else's child.

"But..."

"It didn't bother you that I had Isabella, did it?"

"Of course not, but..."

"And why is that?"

"Because I... Io... I like you."

"Well, I like you too," he says, giving you his tender smile, flashing his puppy dog eyes. You can't hold back any longer and dive into his arms to crush your lips to his.

He absorbs your kiss like it's the last thing he'll ever do in his life, taking you on his legs, one on either side of his hips, giving him access to your mount that he so desperately craves.

You gasp between his lips as you feel his fingers ghost over your pussy and let him put his tongue in your mouth deeper, giving him full access to every part of you.

"No underwear?" he says against your lips slightly smiling, running his hand once more under your dress.

"Rarely with dresses..." you reply, placing kisses on his neck, on his veins that you have wanted to kiss more than a dozen times.

He lifts you up and pushes everything off the table with his free arm, placing you gently on it, letting his hand slide from your neck to your collarbones where he leans in for a kiss that makes you shiver and you bite your lips to keep from making a sound you might regret so early in the evening

You watch him take off his cap and throw it God knows where, followed by his shirt... Lord that body... Broad shoulders, a fine chest accompanied by a little bit of belly he must have gained with age and a very small waist contrasting with the rest of his body...

He leans over you again to kiss you on the lips and gradually moves down to bare one of your breasts from your dress, to take it between his lips, making you moan at the feel of his tongue caressing your nipple, making them both harden with excitement.

« You look beautiful » he says as he kneels in front of your pussy, his view more than pleasing, as your sex is glistening with excitement. He brings you a little closer to the edge and before you can even respond, his tongue is tracing a long line from the bottom to the top of your fold. You gasp again at the pleasant sensation he makes you feel with that little movement alone, and when he takes your clit between his lips to suck on it as you like, you moan louder than you would have liked, clinging to his hair as if for dear life, at this very moment, letting him make splendid movements with his tongue on you... Then inside you, growling at the taste of your cheek which he seems to enjoy as well as the way you pull on that hair, letting the vibrations accentuate the pleasure you are feeling right now.

You try to keep your eyes on him, and he keeps his eyes fixed on you, watching you choke on his name, making his arousal grow stronger and stronger, holding back from touching himself right away, wanting his full attention on you and only you.

One of his hands moves up between your breasts to squeeze the one that is already out. Your hips come off the table, arching your back at the stimulation. When he realises that you are overstimulated, he stops and kisses your sex once, then twice, moving up to one of your breasts to nibble it, making you gasp in surprise.

"Frank-...Francisco!"

"You taste so good, beautiful... so good... are you gonna cum for me?"

You nod, almost not knowing how to string words together, or form a simple sentence. He perseveres in his efforts, and you feel his tongue curl into you and tickle that precise spot that makes your legs tremble and his nose.

You hold on, one hand still in his hair and the other on your breast, enjoying the vibrations of his moans in your pussy as you finally cum between his lips, calling out his name, making sure everyone knows who you currently belong to.

"Good girl" he says as he watches you lose yourself on him wiping his mouth wet with your juice, watching you pussy complain about its emptiness.

You can't help but look at the long, thick cock in front of your eyes, eager to feel it inside you, eager to feel him inside of you. Frankie doesn't miss it, smiling and stroking your thigh so as not to lose any contact with you, satisfying you because you're now only looking for friction.

"Do you have a condom?" he asks, pumping his cock

"No but I'm clean...And already pregnant so, if you're clean..."

He laughs at your little joke, and you smile at him, glad that he is not uncomfortable with the situation.

"I haven't had anyone since my last test to try and get my license back..." he says as he positions himself in front of you.

You straighten up to pull your dress completely off over your head and take the opportunity to wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him, taking him with you as you lie back down on the table.

He teases you, not immediately penetrating you as you would like, instead he pumps his cock before positioning himself in front of you, moistening the tip of his cock with your arousal, and grunting as he dips the tip of his cock inside you, making you wiggle your hips in anticipation.

"Please I want you inside me fran... frankie..."

He smiles and kisses you tenderly in contrast to the fact that he plunges into you with a sudden jerk without warning, grabbing your hips to thrust himself deeper into your wet hole.

You gasp at the brutal sensation of this penetration, this delectable stretch.

You open your mouth, moaning as he begins to open you with painful but pleasurable slowness, not wanting to fuck you either, and when he's fully inside you, he pulls out to thrust violently with his hips, thrusting into you as he likes to do, slamming against that place you love with each thrust, making you choke on the pleasure, not giving you a moment to catch your breath. You contract around him, still fresh from your first orgasm, feeling the second coming, and he feels it too...

"Is that what you wanted unh?"

"Yes, yes Frankie," you said as you tried to catch your breath, clutching as best you could to his broad shoulders.

And he kissed you savagely, starting his thrusts into you, at first gently, making you mewl slightly, then a little more quickly and aggressively, leaving you breathless quite quickly and the only thing that ended up being heard in the room was his grunting matching your little whimpers.

He's good. He's so good, pounding against that little part inside you that makes you see stars, has you feeling every vein of his penis slide in and out of you.

And you're obviously not the only one enjoying it, Frankie can't believe how tight you are, and soaking wet for him.

You hear him say a few words you don't understand, grunting every time he pushes into you, every time he digs his fingers deeper into the flesh of your hips

One of his hands suddenly ventures onto your clit starting to make little circles.

"I need you to come beautiful I... I am not gonna last" he growls in your ear as he places a long kiss on your neck, in total contradiction with the way he's been pounding you for the past couple of minutes.

You nod and it's as if your body was just waiting for his permission to cum.

Frankie strokes the side of your thigh with his free hand and continues to thrust lightly into you to keep working you into your orgasm.

He lets you relax for a few seconds before releasing your legs to bend over you and perform five or six more thrusts, before you feel his balls contract and cum, revealing the veins in his neck which you lean in to kiss, smiling weakly at his smile as tired as yours.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

It's been a good week since you and Frankie slept together. And most men would have reconsidered the fact that you were pregnant by a stranger... But not him. Frankie spent most of his time with you, sleeping with you, making love to you and even started helping you look at baby cots.

And you lived the big dream like that for a good two weeks until the clinic contacted you again one afternoon, a few days after you told the doctor it had worked and you went for a check-up...

"Is there a problem?"

"Well... that will depend on you..."

You instinctively touch your belly worried that there might be a problem with the baby

"What's going on, please tell me..."

"Well we hadn't been paying attention... But the donor has stipulated to be contacted if his sperm is used..."

Oh no...

You collapse on the sofa, and Frankie, who was reading next to you, looks at you a little concerned, coming to hug you directly, even though he doesn't know what it's about yet

"And so I am forced..."

"Yes... I'm sorry, I'll have to contact him and I'll let you know..."

You hang up a little disappointed but decide not to tell Frankie just yet, not having planned to have someone else in the life of this not yet born baby... he doesn't insist but you assure him that the child is fine and that's enough for him.

At least it was at the beggining, The weeks go by and Frankie has also become a bit distant, working a bit more than usual, spending a bit more time with Isabella with his ex-wife's permission; and so one afternoon you find yourself alone at the clinic, still not having spoken to her about it all...

"Can you first explain to me how this happened? How I didn't have the choice to include this person in our lives?"

"Sit down... There was a file exchange with another clinic... And I realized when I was doing your tests that... the DNA didn't match..."

"YOU GOT THE WRONG FILE?! Are you telling me that I didn't even choose my donor?!

"I sincerely apologize..."

"You can!"

You stand up for a few seconds touching your stomach trying to think, and putting your mind to the fact that you will love this child no matter what.

"...Who is the father... Don't tell me a killer please... or any other criminal... Please" you say as you sit back down

"Well he's in the army if that makes you feel any better...

"Oh my God, is he dead?"

"No, not as far as I know. We had to go through the emergency contact because his number was gone... It's an old file..."

“Oh great I'm having a child with a 70 year old veteran...”

"Not as old... He should be here soon and-"

"YOU TOLD HIM TO COME?! I didn't agree to that!"

"That's the procedure I'm sure- Mr. Good Morning!"

You hear the door open but don't turn as he stands up to greet the biological father of your child, not at the time, but you realise that you will eventually have to see his face to see what the other half of your child might look like...

You inhale and stand up to face the man who is shaking his hand at the doctor.

"Frankie? How did you know I was here?"

Frankie opens his mouth to answer you, and his eyes suddenly widen, understanding what is happening.

"Do you know each other?" says the doctor "Not family I hope..."

"NO!" you reply in unison.

Frankie walks over to you, smiling slightly and hugging you tightly.

"I needed the money to pay for my flight school studies... years ago... and... I didn't know if I'd ever have a child with the military so..."

You place a hand on your stomach as you watch him understand what is gradually happening. You feel a weight lift off your shoulders and just start crying when he put his hand on yours, a movement that he has already done before but that you appreciate more now in a way... It's his.

Frankie takes you in his arms and kisses the top of your head, feeling tears welling up in his eyes too.

"Is that why you became distant? That you weren't really talking to me?"

You nod, ridiculously sobbing

"I didn't know how to tell you that another man might be coming into our lives... I wasn't sure how to tell you I..."

He took your face in his hands and kissed you tenderly again, forgetting that the doctor is still standing in the corner of the room not really understanding what's going on.

"We're going to be a family. You, Isabella, this little angel and me and that’s all what matter now" he said with a smile.

He kissed you, and you felt a wave of joy come over you, making you realise that love may well exist in the end.You think about the fact that you are going to form a family with the man of your dreams, that you are now carrying a little bit of him inside you, a little Frankie... Your little miracle coming from the only man who could give you butterflies in your stomach...

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[ggukkiereads]

ik ur on hobi lockdown rn but when u get the chance can u recommend some married bts fics? except the marriage is kind of on the rocks but it works out in the end. lmao this is rlly specific but i’m just craving it

🌷 LOL 😂 Since you're so nice that you noticed my Hobi Lockdown 😁, here are fics I remember with the scenario you mentioned. A lot of these I have yet to re-read so details might be hazy (so if I remember it as a happy ending but it actually isn't, please forgive me 😁). There are also recent fics that I haven't read yet so I probably missed a lot.

Marriage on the Rocks Type of Fics 

*updated - I just remembered some fics

Yoongi

I Feel You in my Heart @purpletaecup - ongoing series | divorce au. feat Jungkook | Angst ~ you can subscribe to the fic so you’re notified once there’s an update 🥰

Divorce @xjamlessparkx -  completed series [17/17] (read this long time ago but it has a happy ending...I think?)

Cut Me Open @hayjeon - two shot |  married au (but falling apart), medical au, surgeon au (spin off of the Jungkook fic Cardiovascular Palpitations) | A, F, S (i included this in the coworker yoongi rec list too!)

Away From You @personasintro - ongoing series [16/?] | divorce au

After the Honeymoon Fades @onherwings - one shot | okay, so they’re not really married but the way their relationship is written, feels like it is. It’s also one of my favorite on-the-verge-of-breaking-up fics and actually the first fic I thought of when I saw your ask 🥰 [author removed the fic on tumblr, added alt link]

Sticky Notes @threeletterslife - one shot | like LDR but they still live together (engaged) and they use sticky notes to communicate 😢

Honeymoon Horrors @/jimlingss - drabble but this is perfect! it’s actually funny too! yet there’s so much longing ugh. someone sent the author an ask what happened after the drabble so please read the follow-up imagine here

Jungkook

Jaded by chasinghorizons (ao3) - marriage tension ugh this is good and realistic. Also check Rain by nijoon

Second Chances @parkhabits - one shot | headed for divorce, estranged~ (I have to say it’s been so long since I’ve read this but I saw a note I made in 2018 with the ff. emojis: 😭😭😭🥰🥰 - so it ended well 😅)

Taking Chances @neonlights92 - one shot | arranged marriage but OC wants to dissolve arrangement | smutty tones 😉

Don’t Leave Me + part 2 @kpopmademyday -  two-part drabble | arranged marriage x jerk jungkook ~ okay, I’ve read this a long time ago so I don’t know if there are other drabbles. I just remember JK’s trying to make things work, there’s a park, someone threw water, etc.

Wherever There is You @vinterjeon -  one shot | marriage on the rocks | this is the first fic of the author I’ve read and then I binged on their ongoing fics after 🥰🥰

Arranged Marriage @yeontantrash - one shot | gang au,  arranged marriage but she keeps trying to leave him. fluffy ending 🥰 |

Thinning Thread @flowerwrites06 - one shot | divorce au | A, S, F (thank you dear author for reuploading this =))

Heartbreak Anniversary @pbandjk - drabble | about to divorce | exes who has to share bed during daughter’s birthday (OC’s parents didn’t know about the breakup) 

There’s a Jungkook fic I remember where they’re headed for divorce and OC went back in time to change the situation. It’s unavailable but if it gets reposted I’ll update this 😉.

Seokjin

Fall in Hatred @jimlingss - one shot | marriage au 

When the Sea Sleeps @taecalikook - one shot | starting to question their marriage which used to be ‘convenient’ before

We Go to War by seraphicserendipity [AO3] - series [9/9] | socialites, PR stunt marriage (👍)

Taehyung

Love is Not Over @rookiegukie -  uhm they’ve been divorced so it’s not exactly a marriage!au but I just want to recommend it lol

One Night Stand @sodoyouknowbts -  completed series + drabble (daddy!taehyung 🥰)  accidental pregnancy x got married but seems not working out

All This Stigma @army-author - two shot | 14.9k | fwb au, accidental pregnancy, arranged marriage 😭💖 (I love how angsty this is!)

Hoseok

Love Me Again @adoringjjk - one shot | CEO Hoseok

Dalliance @sugaurora - one shot | sort of cheating, but not really? | this is not even angsty, I swear. I read this on AO3 and found out author has tumblr too! You can follow on either platform

Most of my favorite Hoseok fics with this theme have been deleted or it didn’t end well (angsty ending) - if anyone has Hoseok fics to recommend, please feel free to share 🥰

Jimin

The Arrangement @kpoptart216 - series 14/14 | arranged marriage 

Of course, Faded Love by jamaisjoons which I probably included in every fic rec list. 

There’s another Jimin fic I can’t remember the title of 😭. Like they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings because she thinks he’s cheating on her and Namjoon is OC’s lawyer. It’s angsty then it turned smutty (help! if anyone knows this fic 😥) - UPDATE: I just remembered the fic. It's Gratuitous Redemption by minjoonalist but it's been deleted 😭

Namjoon

Stitches @glassbangtan - one shot | got married early 

Mad Passion has similar themes, I think? Not on the verge of breaking up but they need to fix some issues in their marriage.

🥰  Please note that the fics are NOT mine. Please show these authors love by reblogging their fics, giving them feedback, and engaging in any positive interaction you can think of! 

🌷 posted: 2021 Feb 19 | updated: 2021 May 16 (added Heartbreak Anniversary JJK)

[destinyc1020]

Idk why some people are so upset Tom has to go to NYC to work on TCR starting in March & act like him & Z are gonna be apart forever. One, Z doesn’t have anything “official” until Dune’s sequel starts filming in mid July, so I’m positive she’s gonna be spending a bunch of time in NYC too up until she has to go work herself. I mean, I’m sure she’s gonna have random Bulgari/Lancôme/Valentino shoots peppered into her schedule over the next few months and she might go back to LA every once in a while, but for the most part, I think she’s gonna try and be there for Tom just as much as he was there for her during Euphoria’s filming last year. Which is great, bc I think he’s really gonna need all the support he can get. Billy Milligan was a seriously disturbed man with a very dark past and childhood, so this will probably be the most difficult role he’s ever tackled.

LDR’s aren’t easy and no one here is saying the are. However, it’s so much more convenient and easy to stay connected despite distance with the help of FaceTime and Zoom and whatever else. So even WHEN Tom & Z have to be apart later this summer, you can guarantee they’ll still be “together” in a sense, one way or another.

Bottom line is, they’ll be fine.

Exactly! 💯😃

And yea, Idk what Z's schedule will look like this year (rumors are Euphoria will be getting a S3), but I'm pretty sure that if her work allows her, she will visit Tom while he's in NY filming TCR. Tom may even visit her while she's filming Dune. Based on her liking spree this weekend, it seems like she was missing Tom a LOT lol. 😄🥰 Either way, like you said, they will constantly be in contact via virtual means regardless. 🥰

[milktyama]

— ☕︎ CALL CALL CALL

synopsis: sometimes a call can make miles seem like meters

a/n: omg why did this take me so long to finish i literally had 20% of the fic left and i left it in my drafts for a little over 3 months now 💀💀 anyways it's here now !!

pairing: iwaizumi hajime x reader

genre: ldr, fluffyyy, very little angst if you squint hard enough

wc: 1.5k

❥︎ mild manga spoilers but nothing too big, slight swearing

The nights in California are much more suffocating than you would think. The air is stuffy while angry neighbours bicker loudly at well past hours. Do they even know the meaning of manners? Iwaizumi Hajime, currently studying abroad from Japan to pursue his passion in sports medicine. The education system in America was vastly different from the one in Japan, though studying here is a much better option for getting connections in the industry. 

His major is not a particularly easy one. It is part of the medical field after all. Though in times of stress, he missed everything he had back in his home country. All the friends he had, his family, and most certainly you, his beloved partner. You and Iwaizumi have been dating at the start of your third year together. After parting ways in high school to pursue different careers, you two have decided to take the challenge of a long distance relationship, your feelings for each other being as strong as ever.

However, he never considered how hard it really was. With a shockingly 17 hour time zone difference, when one was awake the other was usually asleep. The two of you tried very hard two fit in at least one call a week and constantly text the other with room of expectation that the other would reply in a couple of hours. It was very rough at first but together you both have found a pace that worked and kept your relationship intact.

The biggest obstacle for Iwaizumi was definitely during exam season, when all his focus has been shifted into studying and reviewing all the heavy content he’s been looking at for the past semester. As much as he hated this time of the year due to multiple reasons, he had just come to accept it. Unfortunately, your daily texts have stretched into weeks and your weekly calls have stretched into months. With minimal communication, Iwaizumi was bound to feel the stress power down on him. His worries for his studies combined with the ones about your relationship has certainly shoved him into a corner of burn out. 

Furious at himself for his limited mental capacity, Iwaizumi threw his notebook to the desk in front of him and sighed in annoyance, running his hands through his face and his hair. Tilting his head upwards, he stared at the ceiling blankly. His gaze automatically drifted to his phone that was placed facing down across this room to avoid any distractions. He made his way towards his phone and picked it up. He immediately opened your contact and stared at the picture in your profile. It was a picture that was taken a few weeks before he left Japan when the two of you went on a picnic date and as predicted, his best friends crashed into it, their fleeting figures visible in the background of the picture.

He chuckled at the memory. How he missed all of them. Clicking on the messaging icon, he had an internal debate if he should text you. Glancing at the clock, it read 4:48pm meaning for you it must be morning. Hesitantly, he started typing out a message that was out of character even for him, but what can he do, he really craved your presence. 

Iwaizumi: I miss you. I really wish you could hold me in your arms and kiss away all of my stress.

Hitting send, his eyes widen at the small letters at the bottom that indicate that you have read his message. A few seconds later, there was a reply. His heart started to beat faster as his eyes scanned the digital letters displayed on his screen.

Y/n: Hi Hajime! I miss you lots too baby. I will be sending you virtual hugs if that helps?

He couldn’t hide his smile anymore. His lips pulled up on his face as his eyes lit up at your very sweet message. He immediately replied to your message, trying to elongate this moment as much as he can due to its rarity that the both of you were up at the same time.

Iwaizumi: You’re up earlier than usual today

Y/n: Yeah I recently switched one of the electives and they only had a morning slot available. Late morning but still, morning lectures suck :(

Iwaizumi: Don’t push yourself too hard. Make sure to sleep earlier now and eat a full breakfast ok?

Y/n: Iwa-chan are you my mom?

A small vein popped on Iwaizumi’s forehead, the nostalgic yet annoying memory of Oikawa using that exact phrase on him.

Iwaizumi: Ha ha very funny honey.

Y/n: I’m kidding~! Thank you for worrying about me. I love you ok? *sends a heart reaction meme*

Iwaizumi: Yeah yeah I love you too.

Iwaizumi could feel the conversion coming to an end. He really didn’t want that. Although he had to get back to do some studying soon, and he knew that you had to get to class. But he tried to push his luck a little further, praying to the universe to not be against him today.

Iwaizumi: Hey, are you free to call for a bit? 

Y/n: Hmm yeah I should be able to, I still have time for my class and I don’t live too far from my campus.

And with that, Iwaizumi felt that the universe had finally blessed him for the first time since he had come to America. Clicking on the phone icon, he brought his phone up to ear and waited on the rings until you picked up.

“Hi Hajime~” you cooed at your boyfriend. Oh how he missed that phrase coming from your lips. Your conversation flowed like always, however this time you could tell that both of your words were laced with longing for the other. 

The seconds stretched to minutes, a small giggle here and there, and suddenly time had lost its meaning. Both yours and his love were timeless. Unconditional love. The type of love that you two don’t expect anything in return from the other. Yet both of you continue to care for the other as if you were to let go, it would be gone forever. 

After a small joke being cracked from your side of the line, there was a small pause, slight tension building, unclear if that tension was positive or not. Maybe it was slightly suffocating, but with the other on the line, everything felt ok.

“Hey… I love you, you know that right?” Iwaizumi mumbled. Being in a long distance relationship really affected him. You let out a small sigh, imagining the small pout on his face when he gets a little antsy from the lack of your presence. 

“Mhm, I sure do know baby. I love you too,” you hummed to him. The two of you sat in silence once again. But this time, the silence was comfortable, almost as if the two of you were in the same room together. Warmth radiating onto each other as your fingertips made contact with his. Coming back to reality, you looked at the clocks and sadly, your short time with him has ended for now.

“Fine… Don’t forget to eat properly and sleep well. Text me when you’re done with your lectures, I’ll respond to them as fast as I can.”

“I have to go now Hajime, or I’ll be late for class. You need to get back into studying too.” You could hear the small grunts of disappointment from the other end of the line. He was just too cute for you. A side of the Iwaizumi Hajime that only you got to see and no one else. 

“Will do!! Call again when exams are over?” 

“Mhm. I love you.”

“Pft, you said that so much today, is this really my boyfriend I’m talking to?”

“Hey don’t be rude. I just really miss you and I really can’t wait for the break after exams. I’ll be coming back to Japan this time.”

“Yup! And we’ll reunite with the rest of the Seijoh alumni!”

“Ehh, I'd rather just spend my time with you.”

“I don’t think Tooru would like that Haji.”

“Let him. I just want to be with you.”

“You are such a romantic.”

“Only for you.”

You giggled.

“I love you~”

“And I will love you more, forever and always.”

“Babe it’s too early to be this cheesy for me.” 

“It’s literally almost 11am there.”

“OH SHIT. I GOTTA GO. I LOVE YOU AGAIN BABY MWAH TEXT YA LATER!”

And then you abruptly hung up. Sliding his phone off from his ear, Iwaizumi scrolled at your pictures and your messages for a few minutes, thinking to himself how lucky he is to have you in his life. 

Who would have known that one call, from 17 hours into the “future” would have such an effect on a man like Iwaizumi Hajime. Well there is only one type of call that can do that. And that is yours. 

And he knows that even in the toughest times of long distance, you are just one call away. And that one call, can make miles upon miles, feel like meters.

[queenypew]

Happy 4th Anniv Yav!  (◕‿◕)♡

October 29, 2020

Hi baby! 

I made this for you. My message this time will be a bit lengthy kasi mag tthrowback ako sa about satin from the beginning hahahaha like how we started and the things I felt about you since day one. Hehehe. Grabe four years na tayo parang kahapon lng na meet kita HAHAHA srsly i will never forget how and when we met. Because i really cherish those times with you.

Oh yes, Lovebeat, ang punot dulo ng lahat. The dating game. Hahahaha. At first i really didnt expect anything when I joined the game, not even finding a BF. But I did searched for some company and made friends. I think I met you several times in the game pero hindi lng ako nag mind kasi syempre strangers really dont matter to me, tas nakiki AFK lng ako kahit sang room hahahahaha. Even when I knew as a friend from a friend, parang wala lng hahahaha. So ayun nga, I think what really caught me was when you helped me back then, don sa parang ewan na stalker na manyakis na manliligaw ko dati sa lovebeat HAHAHA and i really appreciated that help from you. Tas after non lagi na tayo nagkakausap and I was there for you whenever you needed someone to listen sa mga probs mo. I was a bit conscious to feel anything about you kasi nga online lng but I knew you were sincere and kind. May pagka pabebe ka lng tlga dati hahahaha pero tanggap ko yun. 

I think nagka interest na ako lalo sayo, especially we keep spending our nights chatting. So ayun nga at that time, wla akong ibang inask or be someone to you, amidst sa mga nangyare dati, I just wanted you to be happy. Nalulungkot ako sobra that time whenever nagsshare ka sa probs mo tas lagi ko iniisip na sana maging okay at happy ka na. Na di mo deserve yung mga yun kasi nga mabait ka. I really wanted to be there for you, and I was thinking that maybe if I keep staying beside you, you’ll be fine, you’ll be okay, kasi alam ko gaano mo tiniis ung nangyare dati. Ayun lng nasa isip ko. Hahahaha. TBH di ko tlga akalain magkaka develop tayo ng feelings sa isa’t isa. Tas ung nag confess ka na sakin (not sure if u still remember but) I accepted your feelings. At first akala ko sympathy lng tlga na feel ko sayo but it wasnt, iba eh alam kong iba. So I gave us a chance. We didnt really started na goody2 ung relationship, it was bad actually. Hahahaha. Ang daming issues nangyare but then nagslowdown ung phase natin to “Tayong Dalawa” nlng, and we started to isolate from those negative stuff tas naging stable tayo halfway.

Dumating yung time na nagsarili na tayong dalawa, we focused sa IRL interactions than playing tas minsan nlng naglalaro. Pag naglalaro tayo, we only have each other. I thought ako lng nkakaisip na good thing yun para saten but you also thought the same. We both had similarities and likes but we also have differences and despite having all that, we try to grow and help each other.

Ang napa bilib ako tlga sayo is you’re very CONSISTENT. Umaga tanghali hapon gabi, natawag ka sakin. Nangungumusta ka, kung kumain na ba ako, naligo etc. Kahit nsa school ako natawag ka pa din sakin. And even until now ganon ka pa din gosh HAHAHAHA ikaw na tlga! I really love that about you. You never missed anything. It warms my heart everytime I think about it until now. Kinikilig pa rin tlga ako sayo simula noon gang ngayon.

Of course, because we love playing, we play games together (until now) and kahit tayo lng dalawa na eenjoy ko sobra ung paglalaro. Hehehe. Playing games with you was our other world. It didnt matter to me if we meet new friends or kahit wla mn okay lng din because I got you. Ganon na feeling. I never get tired when it comes to you. I’m always up to anything bsta makasama lng kita, makausap kahit sa game lng. Playing together was and will always be our quality time. 

UNTIL WE MET IN PERSON--

Pinaka malaking dagok sa buhay natin HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I was really nervous to meet you in person, tas di tlga ako makapaniwala you will be coming for me. It was an unexpected event for the both us, for what will happen to us next. Because really di ako nag expect aabot tayo sa ganon na point. Agad. I was really fine with us communicatind within the distance and kahit LDR tayo you made me feel like you were near so I really didnt gave a thought about what having you near me literally. But also alam ko gusto din tlga kita makasama and when I saw you, I was really really happy! Naging awkward ako sayo at first but you took it away. 

TBH the first months were hard for us. Ups & downs tlga tayo, and adjustments. It was really hard because everythign was new to me and to you as well. It was STRESSFUL. I get mad a lot, nagtthrow ako ng tantraums at you and we just fought terribly for small things. Well I knew it was me tlga who’s always at it. It amazed me how can you handle these things about me. You really stayed for me, no matter how many times I get mad, you stayed for me until the end. Grabe tlga ung patience mo. As-in grabe (gif presentation for the bravest mark you did)

HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

But after that phase, it slowly changed us, it changed me especially. I cherished our relationship even more. Tas ni leless ko na din pagigng matigasin na ulo ko. I’m really grateful that you still accepted me despite sa mga nangyare satin yav. I’m really happy you stayed for me. I knew I had to be better not just for us but for myself (like you always said). 

You’ve been there for me literally for better and worse, and grabe how lucky I am to have someone like you yav. All around ka tlga. You did your best around my family (si mama at mga kapatid ko di na nga ako kinakampihan kapag may away tayo kasi alam nila ako yung palaaway HAHAHAHA kainis). You did your best supporting me (by any means), emotionally, mentally at kung anong *tally pa yan. At sa mga times na I keep giving up on myself, you never gave up on me. Seriously. Naiiyak talaga ako sa mga times na yun pag naaalala ko and you were just there hugging me making me feel better. 

Thank you so much baby. We’ve been through a lot. Like a lot talaga. Hindi enough ung mga to para mapa feel ko sayo how much everything and you mean to me. I’m beyond blessed to have you. Really. You’re too much for me. But you’re the kind of much I wanna take in talaga. 

Thank you baby for eveything you’ve done so far for me. And sorry dahil napaka palaaway ko sobra. T_T Sorry talaga sa mga times na naging maldita ako sayo. And I hope we continue growing together positively. I hope ikaw na talaga kasi ikaw tlaga yung gusto ko maging partner now and in the future. I really love you yav! Unconditionally and faithfully. I really love you so much.

Happy Anniversary to us baby! To more years, away (hahahahahaa) and love to come! 

Love (your one and only yav na dyosa),

Queenie Angel

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE ARTS USED. IT BELONGS TO HJ-STORY. THANK YOU SO MUCH <3

[raleighcarrera]

different

the royal romance | drake walker x mc (riley brooks)

~16.9K | mature language and themes/suggestive scenes (18+)

if we'd met somewhere else… anywhere else. at a club in new york, or in an airport, or at a party…

...do you think things would have been different?

drake and riley meet at a frat party in college. they’re not, like, dating dating, okay? they just... party together, and study together, and sleep together every night. and he thinks about her a lot. and then there’s an assassination attempt on his best friend, and drake has to go back to cordonia. a fluffy look at scenes from a drake x riley LDR that becomes just a plain old R when he invites her to spend the summer with him at the palace.

*

someone was banging on his door. impatiently, the knocks increased in volume and frequency, until it was an almost continuous stream of thump - thump - thump, ruining his morning. it was too early for this. it was sunday, for chrissakes, and they’d been out so very late the night before. resolving to ignore whoever it was, drake shoved his face further into his pillow, grimacing when the movement stuffed his mouth full of long, curled hair. from beside him, riley groaned loudly.

“i will kill whoever that is,” she threatened, elbowing him in the arm. drake winced; her voice was low and gravelly, but it still made his head throb. “if that’s fucking simmons and pierce trying to be funny i will kill them, drake, and i won’t feel bad. make it stop.”

he heaved a loud sigh and slowly sat up in bed. the movement made his head spin, and he wondered if riley felt as deathly hungover as he did. if she was suffering even half as badly as he was, it was a miracle she had the presence of mind to threaten anyone like that -- but that was his riley. a multitasker.

drake stumbled to the door in his boxers, flinging it open with irritation. “what?”

it wasn’t simmons and pierce. it wasn’t anyone who lived at the frat house.

it was leo.

drake gaped at him, completely in shock. “hello, drake,” he said, which, on its own, was already a lot to process. drake wondered what time it was, and if he’d managed to get more than four hours of sleep since the record-breaking keg stand he’d pulled off the night before. 

before he could say anything, riley strolled up beside him, the sheet from his bed wrapped around her. her eyes were squeezed shut tightly, one hand holding up the sheet and the other fumbling for the door frame. “we don’t want any breakfast,” she huffed, “it’s not even eleven yet, what the fuck is wrong with --”

“riley.” drake put his arm out, stopping her from slamming the door in leo’s face. he glanced nervously at liam’s brother, flushing when he saw that leo was looking back and forth between the both of them, his grin wide with delight. 

finally, she opened her eyes. her mouth dropped open into a round o of surprise, and drake grimaced as she adjusted the sheet under her arms. “what’s going on?”

this was not the conversation he wanted to have now, when it already felt like his head was going to split in two. “it’s kind of a long story...”

“indeed,” leo said grimly, stepping into drake’s bedroom and closing the door behind himself. riley managed to look both confused and pissed off as she walked to drake’s dresser and bent low towards the bottom drawer. 

leo arched an eyebrow at him as she dug around inside of it and then stepped into the bathroom. drake was silent as she turned the shower on, feeling his whole face go red. “i didn’t give her the drawer,” he felt compelled to defend, “it was empty and she noticed and put her stuff in it. it wasn’t like -- i didn’t say, here, have a drawer.”

the expression on leo’s face looked as though he was doing everything he could to avoid smiling. “we can talk about that on the plane.”

plane? “is everything alright? what are you doing here, anyway?” his stomach sank as he considered all the reasons why leo, of all people, might show up at his college. “did something happen to liam?”

leo sighed, and for the first time, drake noticed how tired he looked. “everyone is fine. but... something did happen. look, you need to come back to cordonia. tonight.”

*

riley watched him shrewdly from his unmade bed as he frantically stuffed his suitcase full of clothes. she was eating a burrito, but for once, he couldn’t be bothered to tell her off for doing it in bed. it’s not like it mattered if she got crumbs in his sheets anyway, after today. “give it to me one more time,” she said between bites.

he sighed with obvious frustration. “liam is the crown prince of cordonia,” he explained, as though he were talking to a toddler. he looked at her over his shoulder and waited for her to nod before he continued. “cordonia is where i grew up. liam is my best friend.”

“and the guy who was here is his brother.”

“yes.”

“but he’s not important.”

“he’s -- leo abdicated awhile ago. he’s important enough.”

“so the person who got shot --”

“no one actually got shot,” he interjected, pulling out his sock drawer and emptying the entire thing into his suitcase in one go. 

“then why do you have to go?” 

drake turned and met her eyes. god did she look pretty, sitting in his unmade bed in just one of his t-shirts, her hair wet and curling over her shoulders. he could see the smooth skin of her thighs peeking out from beneath the hem and let himself yearn, for a moment, to stop what he was doing entirely and crawl back into bed with her.

was it so selfish, if he didn’t want to go? 

“because liam needs me. he’s always been there for me, and now i need to be there for him.”

“okay -- sure,” she said, in a way that definitely meant that she didn’t agree with him, “but -- withdrawing from school? in the middle of midterms? so you can go do -- what, exactly? what’s your role over there?”

drake rubbed at his forehead with annoyance. “i don’t know, riley, professional best friend? does it matter?”

“don’t get mad at me,” she snapped, glaring at him, “you’re the one who never told me about any of this.”

“because i wanted to be normal!” riley frowned, her eyes still narrowed from her position on the bed. “i didn’t want to be prince liam’s friend. i didn’t want anyone here to know. and i didn’t realize i had to share my life secrets with every sorority girl i hook up with.”

his eyes shut as soon as the words left his mouth. he regretted them instantly, and he didn’t want to see what her face was doing. “riley...”

drake dared to let himself look at her. she’d stopped chewing, and she was staring at him as though she’d never seen him before. hurt flashed over her face lightning fast and then disappeared. “go to hell.” 

“riley, listen --” she stood up and angrily started getting dressed in her own clothes, whipping his shirt over her shoulder so fast he had to duck out of the way. “i didn’t mean --”

riley turned around and threw what was left of her burrito at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. drake watched as it fell down into his open suitcase, sighing at the perfectly round circle of guacamole she left on his shirt. “have fun in budget greece.”

her voice sounded tight. drake winced as he jogged to follow her out of the room, racing down the stairs after her. several of his fraternity brothers politely averted their eyes as she rushed through the hallway and out the front door. 

“riley!” she stomped off down the sidewalk without hesitation.

leo was waiting beside a black town car idling on the curb. he hung up his cell phone as drake slowed to a stop next to him. “ready to go?”

“yep,” he grit out, “just -- one second. i’ll be right back.” 

he ran down the block to catch up to her, grabbing her arm to stop her from getting any farther. “okay, i deserved that,” he allowed, catching his breath, “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean that, i don’t know why i said it.”

“is that how you think of me?” she demanded, her eyes shining in the low light of the street lamps, “some sorority girl you hook up with?”

“no,” he answered emphatically, “this is just -- the weirdest day of my life. please cut me a break, i have no idea what i’m doing.”

she pursed her lips, and then nodded once. “you know, you don’t have to go back there if you don’t want to.”

drake sighed, running a hand through his hair. “yes, i do. i don’t expect you to understand.”

“well, i don’t.” she looked and sounded more upset than he’d ever known her to be, even after last semester when her favorite literature professor tore her critical analysis of great expectations to shreds. “i think it’s bullshit. of course i want you to stay.”

he reached out and put his hands on her arms. “hey, it’s not forever.” without realizing it, his voice had dropped to a reassuring timbre. “the semester will be over in eight weeks. you could come to cordonia for the summer.”

riley exhaled shakily, averting her eyes. fuck. “please don’t cry.”

“i’m not going to cry,” she insisted, sniffling dramatically. “but i just -- i don’t know. it’s going to be weird, not having you around.”

“it’s going to be weird not being around. but it’s barely two months, and then...” his hands rubbed slowly up and down her arms. “you could spend the summer at the palace with me. i’ll take you to the beach, teach you how to ride a horse... show you off to all of my friends...” he could see her softening. “you could work on your writing. think about what a good story it would be.”

riley sniffled again. “that’s true...”

“see? it’s not that bad. plus, you’ll be so busy with your schedule you’ll hardly notice i’m gone.”

she shot him a look that let him know he shouldn’t push his luck. “come on,” drake needled, “smile, brooks.”

she just bared her teeth at him. “a real smile.”

instead of doing what he’d asked, she threw herself at him for a hug, sudden and fierce. drake’s arms tightened around her, and he lifted her up off her feet. she always liked that.

predictably, riley laughed. when he set her back down, she was gripping his shirt tightly in her hands. “don’t be a stranger, okay? get the international cell phone plan.”

drake smiled back at her. “i promise.”

*

to his credit, leo waited until they were almost back to cordonia to ask about riley.

the trip felt longer than he remembered, even with all the comforts of flying private. it felt like he couldn’t get his thoughts in order -- he went from being worried for liam, to annoyed with the situation, to missing riley already so quickly it made him nauseous. 

fortunately, leo had provided a distraction by going over every detail of the assassination attempt with him. drake had peppered him with questions until he’d heard everything twice, and then there was nothing left to do but dwell. 

“i just can’t believe someone would do something like that,” he said again, for what must have been the fourth time. “i can’t imagine how liam must feel.”

“i know. it’s awful.” leo shook his head. a long moment of silence passed between them. drake stared out at the dark void of the sky through the airplane window, cringing when he heard leo start, “so...”

drake was pretty sure he knew exactly where that sentence was headed. “oh, we don’t have to do this.” 

“we really do.” he grinned at drake from his seat across the plane. “come on, i was almost murdered earlier this week. indulge me.”

“fine, but you’re not allowed to do that again for the rest of the month. it’s... not that serious. honestly.”

leo looked at him in disbelief. “she has a drawer.”

“she pulled a hostile takeover of that drawer.” again, his voice was defensive. he sighed. “we met at a party in august, at the start of last semester. we were at the house, in the backyard... she bumped into me. we got to talking... stayed up all night...” he trailed off meaningfully, shrugging at nothing. he could feel his face turning red. “one thing led to another, and now it’s... seven months later and... she’s always around. in a good way.”

“then i’m happy for you, drake.” leo’s smile faltered. “i’m sorry it had to come to this.”

“don’t be. you know i’d do anything for liam. college is terrible, anyway.”

“mmmm.” leo seemed not to believe him. at any rate -- “looks like we’re landing.”

as the plane touched down on the tarmac, he pulled out his phone. his fraternity group text immediately rushed back to life with dozens of incoming text messages, but he ignored it in favor of his thread with riley. she’d texted him hours ago, after they’d already taken off. have a safe flight. don’t do anything stupid

he was already smiling. just landed. tonight’s probably going to be crazy. call me after class tomorrow

as she always did, riley answered nearly immediately. isn’t there a time difference?

he wondered what she was doing. riley always insisted on getting a good night’s sleep on sundays, and they usually parted ways after dinner so she could make her way back to her own apartment to get ready for the week. he’d often found himself blowing up her phone, pestering her for attention while she caught up on the homework she’d neglected over the weekend, holed up in the library or inside her bedroom. 

privately, he let himself wish he were back in boston with her, just for a moment. i’ll wait up.

*

it was hours before he and liam were finally alone. despite the somber mood that filled the palace, everyone seemed... happy to see him, and he spent far too long letting liam get him reacquainted with everything, even though it hadn’t been that long since he’d been home in cordonia, last summer. 

after a final security briefing and one last drink, bastien left them alone in drake’s old bedroom.

“it’s really... good to see you,” liam sighed, scrubbing a hand down his face. “i’m glad you’re here.”

suddenly, he felt guilty for ever missing boston -- for even entertaining the thought of not coming, for even one second. “of course. i came as soon as i heard, i... would never not be here during something like this.”

liam nodded, his gaze out the window and in the courtyard. “when do you have to go back?”

drake’s brows furrowed. “liam... i’m not going back.”

that startled him. “i thought you had another year before you could graduate?”

he did, but... “it doesn’t matter. i’m not leaving you.”

as he said it aloud, he realized it was the right decision. earlier, when he’d been talking to riley, he hadn’t been so sure, but after tonight... he knew it was his only option. he couldn’t believe things for liam at court had gotten so bad -- that everyone around him had let things get so bad. and now -- an attempt on his life? what kind of best friend would he be if he left liam now? drake knew instantly that if their roles were reversed, liam wouldn’t even hesitate to do what he was about to. 

“you don’t have to do that.” drake watched him pretend like he wasn’t pleased. “i’m fine.”

“well, it’s too late,” drake shrugged simply, “because i already withdrew and moved out all my stuff.” liam still looked uncertain. “hey -- ride or die, right? what did you think i was going to do with a degree in world history, anyway?”

liam barked out a laugh just as drake’s phone buzzed in his hand. it was riley. just wanted to say goodnight

drake mentally tried to calculate the time difference between cordonia and boston, unable to stop himself from from picturing her burrowed into the twin bed in her apartment. there was nothing he loved to complain about more than that stupid, tiny bed, but at that moment, he would’ve given anything to be crammed in it with her. 

liam smiled at him. “is that your girlfriend?”

drake flushed as he put his phone away. “she’s not my girlfriend.”

“that’s not what leo said. come on, i’ve seen her on your pictagram. dark hair? brown eyes?”

drake gave in and nodded. “her name’s riley.”

“i assume you told her... about all of this?”

drake hesitated, then slowly confirmed... “yeah. i invited her to spend the summer here.”

“drake, that’s amazing! i can’t wait to meet her.”

liam’s excitement was infectious. maybe it would be good to have brooks here, after all. she could be a distraction for... all of them, from this mess. she was good at that. she was the only person drake knew that could effortlessly pull him out of one of his sulking bad moods, just by being herself. so -- around this place? she’d be a welcome breath of fresh air.

he nodded, finding that he couldn’t wait, either. 

remembering her text, he pulled out his phone again. night, brooks.

*

“drake,” maxwell practically screamed from the other side of the room, “get. off. the phone! we’re about to start a dance off.”

drake ignored him. riley had sent a photo of herself pouting at a sig chi pregame. i hate hanging out here without you

he bet she’d already had a few too many, despite the fact that it was still early in boston. below that text, she’d written, come homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

miss me that much already? there was no denying how good that felt. 

the party going on around him hardly interested him. he was only here for liam, after all, and at maxwell’s insistence -- drake hardly thought that something as chaotic as a beaumont bash was what his best friend needed right now, but liam had wanted to come, and so -- there they were. 

the sight of riley’s downturned bottom lip in the photo was drawing him in. missing that hot bod, she’d written back. he snorted.

maxwell had jogged over to where he was standing. “come on, you can talk to her later. she’ll still be awake in a few hours. don’t you want to spend time with your friends, who’ve missed you?”

not really. he wanted to lock himself in the beaumont study and call riley before she left the house for a bar. he wanted to reach her now, before she was too drunk to know she was even talking to him. 

“maxwell, i’m here, aren’t i?” with great self restraint, he slipped his phone into his pocket. “what do you want?”

maxwell slung his arm around drake’s shoulders. “i want you to take some shots with your friends. is that too much to ask?”

he heaved a heavy sigh, pretending to consider it. back in boston, at this hour, riley would already be slamming on the bartop wherever they’d wound up, demanding another round of tequila shots. his lips quirked. he should really have a drink or two in her honor. “alright, alright. lead the way.”

*

it wasn’t long before maxwell had him ridiculously, wonderfully drunk. “okay -- okay. one more.” maxwell had his chin on drake’s shoulder, looking down at the phone between them. “this is her at the a-e-pi luau after she won the hula hoop contest. it was on fire.” 

maxwell gasped as he swiped left to the accompanying video of riley swinging her hips. “that’s so badass.”

there was pride in his voice. “i know, right? she’s the coolest. she’s so good at everything, it’s honestly annoying.”

“i want to meet her!” maxwell exclaimed, as drake continued to swipe through his camera roll. a majority of the photos he had were of riley doing something ridiculous, drunk and pulling silly faces at the camera. drake pointedly sped up as he reached the selfies of the two of them she’d insisted upon late one night on the roof of his house. 

without thinking too much about it, he called her on facetime. it seemed simple enough, to his addled brain: maxwell wanted to meet her, and he wanted to talk to her. more than that, he wanted to look at her. 

riley declined his call, though, making him frown. a second later, she’d texted one sec !! lemme go outside !!

her beautiful face came into view within moments. behind her, drake could see the main street lit up with activity, the college bars they’d used to frequent coming alive in the distance. riley was grinning -- she had glitter on her cheeks. “babyyyyyyyyy!” she exclaimed, throwing her arm up. she was drunk.

“hey, you.” maybe he was too drunk for this, too. “don’t you look nice.”

riley beamed, pulling the phone in close. “i miss you.”

from his shoulder, maxwell sighed. “awwww, stop it. i’m going to get a cavity.”

“riley, this is maxwell. maxwell, riley.” he angled the phone to let maxwell in frame. immediately, he waved wildly at her. 

“hi! drake seriously does not stop talking about you. it’s so cool to finally see you!”

riley smiled widely at him. “he talks about me?”

“oh, yeah. every five minutes, he’s all -- riley would love hiking here. riley’s read that book, she said it was good. riley’s the reason i had to stop drinking vodka. it’s seriously --”

“okay, that’s enough.” he put the phone back on his face. “i might’ve mentioned you once or twice.”

maxwell scoffed loudly from beside him, but all of his focus was on the way riley giggled from the screen. his heart was pounding. they’d talked on the phone every night for the last four weeks, but this was the first time he was seeing her outside of photos or social media. for the life of himself, he couldn’t understand why they hadn’t done this sooner. 

“you staying out of trouble, brooks?”

“well, duh! my partner in crime totally ditched me!”

maxwell was waving his arms beside him. “hey, liam! riley’s on the phone! drake’s girlfriend!”

drake reached his free hand out to push maxwell away. “shut up.”

riley was laughing wildly on the screen. “is that what you told them? that i’m your girlfriend?”

he rolled his eyes. “more like that’s what they told me.” his gaze softened. “i can’t wait until you get here.”

“me too, drake walker. you have no idea how much this place is starting to suck.”

suddenly, liam appeared behind him. “is this the riley we’ve heard so much about?”

she gasped theatrically. “you must be liam. you look like a liam.”

liam grinned, leaning down closer to the phone. “got it in one. it’s great to meet you. you’re every bit as pretty as drake said you were.”

riley laid a hand on her heart, miming like she was swooning. drake elbowed liam good-naturedly. “hello, i’m still here.”

riley winked at him. moments later, maxwell crowded in on drake’s other side, squishing into the frame. “riley, when you get here, we’re going to party so hard,” he promised. she seemed to like the sound of that.

“you guys are so lucky drake’s there hanging out with you,” she sighed, pouting into the camera again, “he’s the world’s best drinking buddy.”

maxwell’s eyes looked like they were going to bulge out of his head. “drake? our drake? this one right here?”

drake rolled his eyes, but riley didn’t seem to pick up on his sarcasm. “yeah! we’re unofficial beer pong champions at sig chi. and i’m not playing with anyone else until you come back. we’re not gonna be dethroned that easily.”

he winced, aware of the look maxwell and liam were exchanging behind his back. so -- he hadn’t exactly told her, yet, that he wasn’t planning on coming back for his senior year. but he was going to, okay? he just thought it was a conversation they’d be better off having in person. 

he scoffed with false bravado. “as if any of those clowns could dethrone us, anyway.”

“i’m saying,” she agreed, spinning around on the sidewalk. he watched as she slowed to a stop at the corner, and then sighed. “will you walk me home?”

drake nodded, looking around the ballroom for a quiet corner. “you sure? it’s gotta be pretty early there.”

“i want us to be alone.” instantly, he could feel his face flushing. maxwell and liam laughed from beside him.

“i think that’s our cue,” liam said politely, reaching out to grab maxwell’s arm and pull him away. “nice to meet you, riley.”

“yeah -- get over here soon!” maxwell shouted, waving enthusiastically again. 

drake was already heading off towards the study. he slipped inside, unnoticed, and closed the door behind him. riley was humming as she crossed the street, the signal and the darkness making her blurry on his screen. “did you have fun?” he asked, “where’d you guys go? sam’s?”

she nodded, the glitter on her cheek reflecting in the moonlight. “uh huh, but it was beat. the pregame was way better.” riley wrapped her free arm around herself, pulling her jacket in tighter. a moment of silence passed between them. “it’s weird not sleeping at the house.”

“i know. i think all the bruises i had from you kicking me in the shins every night have finally faded.”

riley laughed loudly as she ducked inside her building, tapping her id card to unlock the main door. “shut the fuck up. i only sleep-kicked you because you were a blanket hog.”

“we both know that’s honestly just not true.” her building was loud as groups of students prepared to go out, the night early enough that people were just now thundering down the stairs and heading for the door. he watched riley stab at the elevator button with amusement. “seriously? you live on the second floor.”

“mind your own business,” she snarked back at him as she slipped inside, “this elevator is for people in boston only. if you want to have an opinion, you’re going to have to leave europe.”

god, did he miss her. “you got your flight info, right? i gave liam your email so he could set it up.”

she nodded slowly as she stepped out into the hallway. drake watched her wobble adorably towards her front door, and heard her fumbling with her keys. “uh huh. m’already counting down the days. ‘til you pick me up at the airport and i can jump on you.”

drake sunk down into one of the leather armchairs in front of the bookshelves. “is that right?” 

riley moved out of frame briefly as she struggled to get her jacket off. he heard the telltale sound of her kicking off her shoes, and then she bounced down onto her bed, making the old mattress creak. her face finally lit up as she leaned over and turned on her bedside lamp. 

“yup.” her excitement was contagious. “i can’t wait to see you in person. ‘cause i can’t believe it’s been a month already and i haven’t gotten a single picture of you.”

“you want pictures, eh?” he grinned, mentally flipping through the catalog of images riley had been sending him. he’d hardly had time to wonder what she was doing, her selfies had been so thorough. “like the ones you’ve been sending me? because i’m a lot less exciting than you are, brooks. liam and i spend most of our time here doing nothing.”

“noooo...” she laid back against the bed, flopping down against the pillows. “i want you to be naked.” 

drake barked out a laugh, shaking his head at her. “i am not sending you a nude from maxwell’s house.”

“why not?” she whined, batting her eyelashes. “i want to see your abs. i forget what they look like.”

he smirked at her, leaning back in the armchair. “now you know how i feel about your boobs.” 

her eyes narrowed. drake swallowed hard -- he was very familiar with that particular glint in her eyes. deliberately, riley pulled her shirt up and over her head. 

she was wearing a simple, lacy white bra. drake stared at her as she sat up and reached behind her back to unclasp it. “brooks...” he said warningly, his voice low. “i’m at a party.”

“so go home.” she mimicked his voice in a way that made him roll his eyes at her, just like every other time she busted out her winning impression of him that, in drake’s opinion, sounded nothing like him.

“i can’t, we’re all staying over.” and if she got him hard in the beaumont study he didn’t think he’d ever be able to come back in here again. he’d have to find a new place to hide out from the rest of court.

“then go to your room,” riley countered, shifting like she was going to wiggle out of her skirt. 

drake averted his eyes desperately, trying to think about anything else. he was officially too drunk for this. “can’t we just talk about something else?”

riley groaned. when drake dared to look at her, she was frowning. “why?” she demanded, “why can’t we get each other off? don’t you miss me?”

“brooks, of course i miss you.” he sighed. sometimes it seemed like over the last few weeks he’d done nothing but miss her. he couldn’t help but to imagine every mundane detail of the summer ahead of them, from camping out under the stars to getting lost in the hedge maze together. 

but riley still looked hurt. “well, it seems like you don’t.”

“riley...” he was trying not to stare at her. “come on. everyone here is fucking sick of me because i’m always either on my phone, talking about you, or annoyed because i didn’t get enough sleep because i was talking to you. these people know more about you than they know about me.”

that shut her up. after a moment, she asked, “...really?”

“really. and i can’t wait until you get here. i want to show you... everything. i want us to wake up in the same place again.”

riley smiled at him. it was the same soft, sleepy smile she used to give him just before their last kiss goodnight. “you should go back to your party. i bet your friends miss you, too.”

he nodded, making no move to hang up or stand from where he was sitting. “you’ll call me tomorrow?”

she yawned, her nose scrunching up childishly. “uh huh. goodnight, drake walker. cutest boy in cordonia. probably.”

the affection he felt for her in that moment was almost overwhelming. drake covered it up with a laugh. “sweet dreams, brooks.”

*

the next four weeks dragged on at an agonizingly slow pace. drake did everything he possibly could to fill his time, but he was hyperaware of every minute leading up to riley’s arrival. it only got worse as the end of the semester drew closer, and he knew that most of his friends were growing tired of him, but couldn’t seem to find it within himself to stop.

he needed to get it together. he had never been so hung up over a girl before, and definitely not one that he wasn’t even dating. 

but... riley was riley, and if she wanted his attention, then she deserved all of it. for some reason, she’d decided to give up her summer for him, and drake wasn’t dumb enough to convince himself she was interested in being in cordonia for any reason other than spending time with him. as scary as it was to admit to himself, he knew the situation would be the same if he’d gone back to texas and she went back to new york at the end of the semester -- just with a cheaper cell phone plan.

so that meant he had to find a way to show her a good time.

...and let her know that he wouldn’t be going back to boston with her in the fall.

easy peasy. sure.

step one was simple enough: all he had to do was pick her up from the airport. 

maxwell had volunteered to drive, which left him with idle hands as they rode out of the capital. he checked his phone restlessly, alternating between staring out the window and up at the ceiling of the car. after he’d sighed for what had to be the fifth or sixth time, maxwell finally said, “drake. relax.”

“i am totally -- relaxed.” he didn’t even sound convincing to himself. “this is... perfectly fine.”

“what could you possibly be nervous about?” maxwell asked. he sounded irritatingly amused. “you already know she likes you.”

“it’s complicated.” over the last two months, he’d done his best to avoid filling in all the gaps regarding their... relationship, if that was even what he would call it, despite maxwell and liam’s persistent questioning. “even if brooks was my girlfriend, or whatever... it’d still be weird, bringing her here.”

“why?”

he really didn’t want to get into it, especially not with maxwell. no one needed to know that he was wildly anxious about bringing a girl he liked around liam, who girls had always preferred over him for pretty much their entire lives. he was comfortable with harboring that insecurity alone until the end of time, thankyouverymuch. 

“i just think that all of this is a lot for anyone to take in. i don’t want it to change things between us.”

there. that was vague and generic enough, while still not being an outright lie. he was worried about things changing between them. he wasn’t sure he could stand to watch riley grow to prefer liam to him.

shaking his head as if to clear it, he looked over at maxwell in time to catch him rolling his eyes at drake. “if anyone knows how to not let this change them, it’s you. i think you’ll be fine.”

drake shrugged silently. maxwell drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.

“besides, it’s too late now. she’s already here. so help me find a parking spot.”

drake let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. okay. he could do this. they were still only on step one. 

he stared at maxwell when he got out of the car, too. “you’re coming in with me?”

maxwell looked at him like he was the biggest idiot on the face of the earth. “uh, duh.” he shot finger guns at drake from across the car. “moral support, baby. now come on, stop dragging your feet.”

*

she was taking an inordinately long amount of time to get off the plane.

drake watched as passenger after passenger filed out of the door and into the airport terminal, heading to their next destinations. surely, she was doing it on purpose.

maxwell kicked his ankle, jolting him out of his thoughts. “you need to calm down.”

what was happening to him? he couldn’t recall ever being this nervous, not even around any of the literal royalty or supermodels that seemed to be perpetually following liam (and by default, him) around. maxwell was right. he needed to get a grip.

but then he saw her.

she hadn’t noticed him, yet, so he had a moment to watch her as she stepped out into the airport and looked around curiously. she was struggling with a giant, overstuffed duffel bag, and the sight of her jacket tied around her waist and her hair pulled up off her face made him think that maybe he wasn’t alone in his nerves. she always overheated when she started to panic.

riley turned and saw him, and her face split into a brilliant grin. drake started to make his peace with the fact that it was the last thing he was going to see before he had a stroke and died. as far as untimely demises were concerned -- there were definitely worse ways to go. 

“oh my god,” maxwell mumbled from beside him, “this is so cute, i’m going to cry.”

she pushed through the crowd and rushed the rest of the way up to them. without a word, she dropped her bag on the ground and, as promised, launched herself directly into his arms. 

drake laughed as he caught her, lifting her off her feet. no one had ever told her to act like a lady in case there were photographers around before, so riley wrapped her legs around his waist and held on tight. 

“you’re here,” he said dumbly, hugging her in close. the longest eight weeks of his life had officially come to an end. his throat felt suspiciously tight. “it’s really good to see you.”

riley’s hands were on his shoulders, and she pushed him back enough that she could look at him, still smiling that stupid, goofy grin. her eyes swept his face, and then she leaned in and caught his lips in a hungry, desperate kiss.

drake stumbled briefly, but recovered quickly enough. he squeezed her sides encouragingly, and riley shoved her hands into his hair, kissing him as though they were about to be ripped away for war at any moment.

maxwell coughed pointedly from beside him, breaking the spell. her legs dropped abruptly to the ground with a thud, and then she stood up straight and laughed. she didn’t look embarrassed in the slightest. she took both of drake’s hands in hers and squeezed them. “you have no idea how much i missed you.”

“i think everyone here has some idea,” maxwell mused. “it’s nice to finally meet you in person, riley.”

“likewise.” she turned her unabashed grin on him, then. to his credit, maxwell smiled right back at her. “thanks for taking care of drake while he’s been here.”

maxwell laughed. “trust me, no one here has been taking care of drake. we have a lot to fill you in on.”

drake rolled his eyes as he bent down and hoisted riley’s duffle bag onto his shoulder. he couldn’t quite bring himself to be bothered by maxwell’s remarks, now that she was here. 

riley leaned over and laced her fingers through his as they headed towards the door. huh. she hadn’t done that in... awhile, even back in boston. fuzzy, alcohol-addled memories reminded him that it was halloween, the last time she’d slipped her hand into his, just to lead him around a party.

“this is freaking me out,” maxwell said, as they made their way back to the car. “riley, just so you know -- drake never smiles this much. i don’t think he’s smiled this much in all the time i’ve known him.”

“what? drake totally smiles,” she argued, squeezing his hand. “he smiles all the time.”

“it’s true,” he agreed, completely deadpan. “a man can smile if he wants to, maxwell.”

he opened the door for riley when they reached the car, and she took her bag and slid into the backseat. before he could close it, she reached out and grabbed his shirt, pulling him into another kiss. this time, her lips were much sweeter and softer, and she kissed him like they had all the time in the world to get reacquainted.

maxwell was pretending not to notice as he texted from the front seat. “you’re going to have to stop doing that,” drake murmured lowly, his lips still brushing hers with every word. “or we’re never going to make it back to the palace.”

“hey, you can’t blame me for finding you irresistible.” her fingers hooked in the belt loops of his jeans. “it was a long eight weeks. of course i’m hard up for it.”

he bit back a shiver, swallowing the groan that was threatening. “you can’t possibly imagine what i’m going to do to you later tonight,” he promised, the words spoken lowly into her ear. 

riley’s eyelids fluttered prettily at the same time that maxwell started the car, the sound of the ignition turning over shattering the silence between them. drake shot her a smirk and closed the backseat door, joining maxwell in the front. 

riley immediately slid into the space between the two front seats, leaning over the car’s center console. “so, what’d i miss? you guys have to tell me everything. maxwell, make sure he doesn’t leave anything out. drake is the worst storyteller.”

*

“liam, it was like something out of a movie. you should have seen him.” maxwell’s voice was insistent, and the only reason why drake was tolerating the direction the conversation was going in was because of the way riley was giggling beside him as she rotated her marshmallow over the fire. “it was like aliens replaced drake with a pod person. they made out at the airport.”

liam was laughing at him, too. drake leaned over and threw a marshmallow at him, sighing as he turned his attention back to riley. “look what you did. you’re ruining my reputation.”

she pulled her marshmallow from the fire, blowing on it to extinguish the tiny flame that’d caught on one of the charred edges. she didn’t look sorry when she slid her gaze over to him. “oops?”

he sighed again as he held a graham cracker out to her. it was worth the inevitable teasing that would follow when riley beamed as she slid her gooey marshmallow off the stick and onto the cracker, leaning over him to fish around for the chocolate on the far side of where he was sitting. 

“riley, you have to tell us more about what drake is like at college. it’s honestly like you’re describing a totally different person.” 

drake glared at maxwell as he set himself up with a new marshmallow. “it’s really not,” he said, though all three of them acted like he hadn’t spoken.

“well -- for the most part, he’s always been really nice to me,” she shrugged, “but he was pretty drunk when we met.”

“i wasn’t pretty drunk,” he argued, “i was... regular drunk.” again, the three of them ignored him.

“i bumped into him at a party -- like full-on smacked into him and spilled my drink -- and i remember exactly what he said. he looked me up and down and was like, i would remember if i’d ever seen you here before.”

“actually, i think it sounded a lot cooler than that.” his protest fell on deaf ears. liam and maxwell leaned in closer to the fire, hanging on her every word. 

“and i was like, uh, i kind of make it a point not to hang around in gross frat house backyards, and i swear to god he actually said -- so what if we went upstairs instead?”

“i think i’d honestly be okay with dying right now,” drake said, though he doubted anyone heard him with the way liam and maxwell were howling with laughter. 

“so -- did you go with him?” 

“yeah.” her smile softened, and she shot drake a fond look that made him feel perfectly at peace, being the butt of the joke. “drake’s room has a really cool balcony. we stayed outside all night talking and watched the sunrise together. then in the morning it started raining, so we ran inside... and he asked if i wanted a towel but i just kissed him instead.”

“and then?”

“you really don’t need to --”

“honestly, i didn’t know if i’d see him again after that,” riley shrugged, glossing over the part he was desperate to keep private. “it’s a big campus, you know? and he didn’t even ask for my number. but i... kept thinking about him. so i asked around, and i figured out which of the girls in my sorority were dating guys in sig chi.”

that was news to him. “what? you did?”

“uh, yeah?” riley laughed, as though it should have been obvious. “how else would i have known about that pregame you had before the homecoming game?”

he was stunned. it’d never occurred to him before that seeing riley again might’ve been anything other than dumb luck. “i don’t know.”

“so -- that was what happened. i went to the pregame and it was pretty small so obviously he was there and we saw each other right away, and i couldn’t have cared less about the homecoming game so...” a grin spread slowly across her face. she shrugged. “we found something else to do with our time.”

his brain was still stuck on the part where she actively sought out seeing him again. when he first started hooking up with her on a semi-regular basis, drake had assumed riley was just killing time with him between classes and parties -- she was so obviously out of his league that it seemed ridiculous to think anything else. drake spent most of the time he was with her trying to make her laugh or come so he could convince her she had a reason to keep coming around.

but... she liked him. since the first time they’d met. she didn’t need any convincing.

“then i just kept bugging him and dragging him to stuff he didn’t want to go to -- study groups, movies on the quad, bar crawls in the city, red sox games. i kept waiting for him to say no, but -- he never did.” 

she was staring at him in the moonlight, biting down on her bottom lip. riley looked suddenly... shy, or as shy as she could look with thready gobs of marshmallow stuck to her fingertips. he had no idea what to say.

“you and i remember that... very differently,” he settled on finally, hardly able to believe she was serious. she had to be embellishing, right? telling the story in a way that’d make it more interesting for liam and especially maxwell, whose eyes were so wide as she talked that drake was actually concerned for him. 

“is that right?” 

“yes,” he said emphatically. “first of all, i felt like an idiot for forgetting to get your number. i thought i totally blew it, and i couldn’t believe my luck when you showed up at the house again. i’d kind of just been hoping we’d have a class together or something and i could figure out how to talk to you then. and after homecoming i was the one to ask you out.”

“asking me to meet you at a bar you were already at is not asking me out,” she laughed. “you said ‘come to tri-bar, there’s a lot of people here.’ is that how you guys would ask a girl out?”

liam and maxwell both obligingly shook their heads no. traitors.

“i was the one who asked you to come home with me, and then when we got there, you were like -- ugh, a twin-sized bed? i didn’t even think you liked me. so then when i saw you at the student union and asked you to go to the marina... i thought you were going to say no, honestly.”

maxwell interrupted before he could think of something to say. “so you asked drake out? twice?”

“i asked him out, like, a hundred times,” she laughed, “most of the time i figured he just said yes because he was bored.”

“okay, you are out of your mind.” it felt like he was living in an alternate reality. “i mean, i was definitely trying to play it cool, but i couldn’t have been that cool.”

“it would be incredibly out of character for him,” maxwell mused.

drake ignored him. “i was always following you around. i couldn’t believe a girl like you would even look twice at me.”

riley frowned, like she didn’t understand what he was saying, either. 

it was hard to pinpoint exactly when things started to change. gradually, they’d just become... two people who were always together, constantly in contact, never without their next outing on the horizon. she’d started to spend every weekend sleeping over at the house and he’d memorized her coffee order and her class schedule so he could have a few extra minutes of her time walking around campus together. 

when he and savannah had gone to texas to spend christmas with his mom he’d made sure to text her every day over the holiday break. he’d gotten back to boston earlier in the day the sunday before the spring semester started, and went to pick her up from the train when she got in later that night. it was snowing, and she was freezing cold when she hugged him tight. 

drake still remembered the way she’d said i was worried you would forget about me. at the time, he’d thought she was joking.

“so -- assuming that drake planned absolutely nothing for the entire summer, i have a list of everything you have to see in cordonia before you leave.” maxwell broke the silence, pulling out his phone. reluctantly, riley looked away from him and back across the fire. liam shot him a look before drake averted his eyes, too. 

“sounds fun,” riley smiled. “i’m ready for a summer full of adventure.” 

she stretched, making a show of giving the biggest, most fake-looking yawn he’d ever seen. he stifled a smile. “i’m pretty exhausted now, though. it was a long flight.” riley turned and looked directly at him. “will you walk me to my room?”

*

she held his hand as he walked her back up the stairs. “so,” she started, looking around at everything, “how come we don’t get to share?”

share a bedroom? as if. he snorted. “this isn’t exactly that kind of place. plus, i figured you’d want your own space. but you’re right across the hall from me, so... i’ll be close.” 

she nodded. he couldn’t remember another time she was so quiet. “are you okay?”

riley squeezed his hand. “yeah. just taking it all in. i can’t believe you really grew up here. i mean, you’re so -- normal. is this weird for you?”

“very. but you get used to it. savannah adapted a lot better than i did.”

“you said she’s with her friends, right?”

“yeah -- a few of the girls from court went to paris for the weekend. i think it was one of their birthdays. they should be back in a couple of days, and then you can meet her. maxwell said something about having a big party.”

“i can’t believe i actually scored an invite to an infamous beaumont bash,” she mused playfully, “it’ll be nice to finally have some idea of what you’re talking about.”

“honestly, there’s tons of other things i want to show you first. tomorrow i’ll take you on a real tour of the palace -- show you all the secret spots i’ve found. stuff you’d never read about in history books.” he couldn’t wait to see her face when he showed her the view of the courtyard.

“that sounds nice.” but riley looked distracted, her thoughts somewhere else. he waited patiently for her to get around to it, and she did. “can i ask you something?”

“anything.”

“why did you invite me here?” he looked down in surprise and found that she was already staring at him. “i mean -- for the whole summer? aren’t you worried we might get sick of each other?”

he shook his head. of all the things he’d worried about and agonized over, that was one thought that had honestly never crossed his mind. “not at all.” he slowed to a stop as they reached the door that said ms. riley brooks in looping script. 

“i invited you out here because i wanted to spend time with you,” he said honestly, for once unafraid of saying something that might scare her off. since the moment they’d met, it’d been an annoyance in the back of his mind, the thought that she might decide she’d had enough one day and walk away. tonight, it seemed like riley was doing everything she could to make him feel secure -- so he tried to let her, just this once. “honestly, when i knew i had to come back here... at first, i didn’t want to.” 

he felt guilty to admit it, but pushed through anyway. “because of you. the thought of not being able to see you every day... made me not want to go. i didn’t -- i could never forgive myself if that’s how i left things with you. and i could see how you would think that maybe i just said you should come in the heat of the moment or whatever, but... that’s how i always feel when i’m with you, so. it was a no-brainer. i feel like if none of this ever happened, i still would’ve invited you out, or planned a trip to new york or... something. those three weeks i didn’t see you over christmas break were awful. i don’t know if i could do a whole -- woah!”

he cut off abruptly as riley shoved him hard into the wall beside her bedroom door. before he had time to ask what she was doing, she pushed up on her toes and kissed him forcefully, gripping his shirt tightly in her hands. drake tangled his hands in her long, dark hair, kissing her back just as aggressively. 

god. had they really not done this in eight weeks? 

drake heard riley fumble with the doorknob to her room and shuffled to help her get them both inside without breaking their kiss. the door to the hallway slammed shut as she pushed him back into it again. 

on any other night, he might’ve teased her for her impatience -- reminded her that they had no where to be and then dragged it out for as long as possible. but tonight, he felt her urgency. he pushed forward and walked them both back towards her bed, leaning over her until she finally laid down onto it and dragged him on top of her. 

in between kisses, he pulled off his shirt, doing his best not to actually rip any threads of riley’s clothes as he tugged at them in turn. once he’d slipped her out of her jeans, he almost choked on his own tongue when he saw what she was wearing underneath.

“did you have that on all day?” he demanded, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. her bra and panties were lacy and see-through, in matching dusty shades of pink. 

she grinned at him, completely pleased with herself. “uh huh.”

he groaned as he looked her over, his gaze trailing down her body. “jesus christ, riley. warn a guy next time.” 

she lifted one leg to hook around his waist, pressing him closer with her heel at his back. he exhaled slowly, giving into the urge to grind his hips forward against hers.

if it was at all possible for riley to look any more smug, she managed it. “where would be the fun in that?”

*

he was still panting as they laid side-by-side under the canopy of her bed. the sheet was pooled low over the both of them, but for as hot as he knew they both were riley still cuddled in as close as she could get, leaning her head on drake’s chest. his arm wrapped around her, stroking her shoulder mindlessly as he worked to get his actual thoughts back on track.

she was the one to speak up first. “i want you to sleep in here with me.” the tone of her voice implied she thought he might actually say no. 

“okay,” he answered breathlessly, glancing around the room that would be hers for the next three months for the first time. she’d hardly had time to unpack before liam and maxwell had monopolized her afternoon, but her things were already scattered around the room in a way that reminded him of her apartment back in boston; riley had a few t-shirts already spilling out of her half-zipped duffle bag, and her curling iron sat on top of the vanity next to her phone charger. 

for some reason, the sight of her things around here -- in a bedroom at the palace, where he’d grown up and spent so much time feeling completely alone and out of place -- made his heartbeat speed up arrhythmically. 

“i really am so glad you’re here,” he murmured, feeling inexplicably tender towards her. “i know this has to be weird for you. but it means a lot that you’d do this just so we could hang out.”

“i would literally walk from new york to cordonia if it meant we could spend an hour together.” she nudged her nose against his sternum, and he wondered if she could feel how hard his heart was pounding. 

he covered up the rush of affection he felt for her with a joke. “you would literally walk across the atlantic ocean?”

“i would figuratively do it just so i could literally kick your ass.” 

drake chuckled, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes so he could smile down at her. “riley... seriously.”

“i’m being serious,” she insisted, “you always act like i don’t like you as much as you like me, but the truth is that i like you more. it’s like you haven’t noticed that i’ve been the one chasing you around since junior year started.”

he scoffed. “what? that’s not true.”

riley pushed up onto her elbow, frowning at him like he was a complete idiot. she usually reserved that look for what she considered to be ice cold takes of his, like meat lovers is objectively the best pizza in existence or they should have never cancelled heroes, the plot was just starting to get good. “drake -- it is true. if i weren’t always, you know -- showing up at your house or dragging you out to stuff we’d probably never see each other. i think you inviting me out here is the only time you’ve ever made a plan for us to do something.”

“no way,” he argued, racking his brain for an example of a time he planned a date. there had to be at least one. “what about when we went to that concert at fenway park?”

“i got the tickets from work,” she reminded him. he frowned.

“how about when we slept over on that houseboat in the marina?”

“that was daniel’s dad’s boat. i asked him if we could borrow it.”

“i took you to that early screening of the last most wanted movie.”

“you needed an american express card to access the pre-sale. i sent you the link and asked you to do it. drake -- it’s not a big deal. i’m just saying --”

“hang on, what about all those times i made you dinner? i invited you over, i cooked for you. those were dates, weren’t they?”

riley shrugged. “sure. look -- forget i said anything, okay? the point i was trying to make was that... i like you a lot. and you don’t have to worry about that.”

but he barely heard her, his thoughts somewhere else. “well, i did plan stuff for us to do this summer. there’s so much i want to show you. it’s going to take us the entire time to get through it all.”

“and that sounds great.” she smiled at him reassuringly, but he couldn’t help but feel like he’d somehow majorly fucked up. 

there was so much more he wanted to say. he needed her to understand just how crazy about her he was -- how insane she made him feel, how he never stopped thinking about her. he’d never known anyone who single-handedly had the ability to make or break his day. 

and he’d never had a girlfriend before. he’d never even wanted one. but... riley was different. she made every day so much better, just by being around. 

so why were the words that would let her know that stuck in his throat? 

“okay,” he mumbled finally, still frowning at the ceiling. 

she was already dozing off against his chest, seemingly content, but he knew it would be a long time before he fell asleep, too.

*

it only took a day before they settled into a routine. riley always preferred running to being in the gym -- especially with him -- (“drake is so annoying about his workout” she’d not-whispered to liam when he’d invited her to train with them) so she’d spend the morning jogging laps around the palace grounds in an infuriatingly small sports bra and shorts while he and liam made use of the palace gym.

he tried valiantly not to stare at her when she ran past the bank of windows that looked out into the courtyard, but she drew his gaze every time without fail, to the point where he was mentally timing her laps, perking up when he figured she’d be coming around again.

he and liam were taking turns hitting one of the heavy bags lined up in the corner of the gym as he complained. “she thinks i’m not thoughtful,” drake insisted, even though riley had never said that -- at least not in so many words. “she said i’ve never planned a date for us. i didn’t even know that was something i was supposed to do.”

liam gave him the same look riley did when she thought he was being wildly out of pocket. “you didn’t think... you were supposed to take your girlfriend out on dates?”

“i didn’t even think she was my girlfriend,” he admitted helplessly. “we never said -- i mean, i never thought...” he sighed in frustration, and liam wordlessly switched positions with him so drake could be free to hit the punching bag they were sharing. “we’re always together. it wasn’t like -- we had a saturday where we weren’t hanging out and she was waiting around for me to ask her to do something. i swear i spent more time with her than i did in class.”

“look, she obviously likes you,” liam pointed out, holding the heavy bag steady as drake punched it again, hard enough to rattle the chain hooking it into the ceiling. “the way she talks about you... it seems clear she’s crazy about you just the way you are.”

“yeah,” he sighed, “i just want to make her feel special. she deserves it.” 

while he’d definitely made a list of everything he wanted to show riley before she left cordonia, he knew then that he needed to translate it into solid plans. he was determined to show her how much she meant to him, so if riley wanted dates, then she would get them -- so many she’d be sick of him by the end of the summer. 

riley popped her head in, then, grinning and flushed. “god, it’s hot out there. you didn’t tell me a cordonian summer would be this hot.”

“it’s been unseasonably warm,” liam agreed, moving to the cooler to grab riley a water. “you know you can always run in here with us, right? there’s plenty of treadmills.”

“thanks, but i like being outside. you two should try keeping up with me.” she drank deeply from the water bottle in her hands, eyeing drake’s shirtless torso with the same interest he was paying her. 

they were just about ready for the next part of their routine --

“shower?” riley asked him, inclining her head towards the stairs. her lips quirked up into a grin.

“definitely.” 

the three of them would have breakfast together before whatever adventure they’d decided upon for the day started. liam wasn’t always able to join them -- sometimes bastien put his foot down if drake suggested something too far or dangerous -- but maxwell would tag along on occasion, and sometimes they’d spend the day blissfully alone. 

over the next few weeks, he showed her... everything. they went to the beach. to the woods. to the mountains. he took her to the stables and showed her how to ride a horse -- really ride, like when he first learned in texas -- and they broke into the kitchens late at night to make snacks together, sneaking around with whispered voices so they wouldn’t wake anyone else up.

he took her camping, and hiking, and fishing, and tried to teach her how to navigate the hedge maze. that one was still taking her a few tries, but riley took to everything else with natural grace, being as infuriatingly good at everything as she always was. drake showed her all the secret spots of the palace he’d always wanted to share with someone, and brought her into town, and stuffed her full of every single apple-related snack she could handle. 

they had sex just about everywhere he thought they could manage to get away with it. as it turned out, that was... a lot of places. 

he introduced her to savannah and the members of the king’s guard that felt like family to him, pleased when she charmed them as easily as she’d charmed everyone else. savannah thought she was just about the greatest thing she’d ever seen, and bothered her incessantly about everything from life in new york to what college in america was like to how riley braided her hair. 

life felt pretty much... perfect. now that he knew what it felt like to have riley’s eyes light up when he brought her somewhere special, drake constantly found himself trying to outdo their last day out, chasing the high that came when she gave him her sunniest smile and bounced happily on the balls of her feet.

he found himself doing and saying things he never thought he’d do before, like talking about his dad, and growing up at the palace, and even opening up about how nervous he’d been to bring her around liam...

but riley never judged him. she never made him feel stupid, even though most of the time he thought he sounded pretty stupid. 

she always listened. she was patient and thoughtful and she just got him, in a way he hadn’t even realized he’d been looking for until she made it happen so effortlessly. the more time he spent with her, the more he was amazed at how well they really seemed to mesh. in boston, they’d been friends who got along swimmingly, but here... they felt like a team. like partners. like something more... solid, and real.

they still drank and went to parties and snuck out early to find somewhere quiet to make out. by the third or so time, maxwell had started collecting bets on when they would make their leave together -- not that he cared, as long as they found that quiet spot.

but it felt like they had an understanding, now. so much so that he barely even noticed he’d started introducing her to anyone who looked their way as riley, my girlfriend.

eventually, things started to wind down. august snuck up on them before he had time to prepare, and drake found himself face-to-face with the reality of time and the guilt of knowing that he still hadn’t told riley he wouldn’t be flying back to boston with her at the end of the month.  

it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. it was just that... other things always seemed to come up. to take precedence.

he’d been lying on her bed while she flipped frantically through the clothes she’d brought along with her, whining, “i didn’t bring anything i could wear to a ball. you didn’t tell me there was going to be a ball.”

drake shrugged apathetically. “we don’t actually have to go. everyone will be in the ballroom, so -- the rest of the palace would be pretty much ours. or we could drive out to the beach... camp out under the stars again...”

“of course we have to go. in fact, your sister specifically said make sure drake doesn’t skip this one.”

“you know, i didn’t introduce you guys so you could team up against me.” riley smirked at him over her shoulder. “the end of summer ball is, like, the lamest one, anyway. we wouldn’t be missing anything.”

“we’re going,” she said firmly, “i just need to find a dress. maxwell said something about a boutique?” 

drake nodded. “i can show you where it is.” he drew in a deep breath. now was as good a time as any, right? “actually, there was something i wanted to talk to you about...”

she hummed encouragingly from where she was still bent over her bag, rifling through her things. 

“well... it’s about --”

“riley!” the door to her room banged open abruptly. drake sighed as savannah burst in. “you have to come with me to the boutique. i put three different dresses on hold for the ball this weekend and i need you to tell me which one i should go with.”

“you know, you could knock,” drake said pointedly, glaring at savannah from behind riley’s back. he was trying to let her know about the important talk she’d interrupted with just a look, but savannah didn’t seem to pick up on it, her brow furrowing at him with confusion. 

“you can’t blame us if you walk in on something you don’t want to see,” riley teased, finally standing up and dusting her hands off. she smiled at savannah, and then turned back towards drake. “i’ll see you in a bit?” 

as if it were possible to feel any guiltier, drake found that he was actually relieved they’d been interrupted. “yeah,” he answered weakly. you are the worst. she is going to freak out. “definitely.”

*

riley was adamant about getting ready on her own. she said something about wanting to surprise him when she’d shoved him out of her room and told him to meet her at the bottom of the staircase before the party. drake spent his newly discovered free time resigning himself to a night spent in his one suit, carefully avoiding the nobles he had no interest in talking to.

he was barely dressed before savannah came barging into his room, squealing and clapping her hands excitedly. “drake! come on, come on. it’s time to go downstairs.”

“savannah, the ball isn’t going anywhere.” neither was this little song-and-dance they somehow managed to perform before every single party. usually, she let him drag his feet for at least a few more minutes than she was tonight.

“i can’t wait to see the look on your face,” she grinned, reaching for his arm and dragging him out of his room. “you are going to die.”

“what are you even talking about?” they descended the stairs together and stopped at the bottom. the foyer was chaotic, with guests arriving and greeting each other, the doors to the ballroom open just beyond the hallway. he could already hear the music that was playing. 

“riley, stupid,” savannah said, elbowing him in the side. “she looks amazing.”

he rolled his eyes at her. “riley always looks amazing.”

“i’ve never wanted my phone more than i do right now,” she sighed, “you’re going to look like a complete idiot in 3... 2...”

maybe she had a point. riley appeared suddenly at the top of the stairs looking like an angel, holding the long skirt of her dress in one hand. the gown she was wearing was grey and low-cut, with sequin detailing and a simple cinch at the waist. when she started to walk down the stairs, he could see that there was a high slit in the front, exposing flashes of her bare legs to him as she moved. 

as she got closer, the dainty necklace that dipped tantalizingly into her cleavage caught his eye. his mouth felt very dry. 

from beside him, he could distantly hear savannah say, “this is the best thing ever,” but she felt very far away.

it felt a lot like riley was walking towards him in slow-motion. she was like something out of a fantasy, and while he knew he was gaping, drake couldn’t quite bring himself to care. finally, she stopped at the bottom of the steps, right in front of him.

she shot him a wide, sunny smile. “hi.”

drake released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. his gaze slid down her body again. he couldn’t remember ever feeling so tongue-tied in his entire life, and riley had dressed as catwoman for halloween.

“hey. you look amazing.” there. that was more or less what he’d wanted to start with. “that dress...”

“yeah? you like it?” her grin let him know she already knew his answer.

“i think it’s going to look amazing on my floor later.” 

“aaaand, that’s my cue,” savannah said abruptly from behind him, her face contorting with distaste. “i’ll see you in there.” he hardly noticed as she walked away. 

“seriously, riley.” now that he’d found his voice, he wasn’t sure if he was capable of talking about anything else. “you’re gorgeous.”

and he was in love.

wait --

no, he was. he was certain. that feeling -- that thing that he always seemed to be overtaken by whenever riley was around, whenever she smiled at him or he made her laugh or she kissed him -- that feeling that made him want to tell her things, anything -- that was what it was. he was in love with her. oh, god.

he tried not to let his revelation show on his face as she inclined her head towards his own outfit. “thanks. you look really handsome, too. i didn’t even know you owned a suit.”

her teasing made him feel more like himself, and drake managed a genuine smile as he leaned down to press a brief kiss to her lips. the contact calmed him down enough to pretend like the earth hadn’t just completely shifted on its axis. “a man has to have some secrets.” he offered her his arm, and she stepped up to his side. “ready for the lion’s den?”

“it can’t be that bad.” 

he snorted as they stepped into the ballroom. a quick glance of the room confirmed that riley had absolutely no idea what she was in for. the place was crawling with nobles and a majority of the faces he recognized were people he had absolutely no interest in talking to -- girls who were desperate to get on liam’s radar now, before he started courting for a queen, and pompous dukes and earls who’d want to pretend to be his friend for a spot in his inner circle once he became king. not a single one of them had ever had a polite word to say to him.

“let’s at least get a drink,” he settled on, resting his hand on her lower back to guide her towards the bar. hopefully he could keep most of the nastiest people here away from her.

unfortunately, riley was hardly dressed to lay low. drake noticed every eye in their path following them as they made their way across the room, whispers breaking out behind her back from both men and women. it hardly surprised him. if he had seen her for the first time tonight he was sure he would have been one of the people staring, too. 

as they got in line at the bar, she swiped a glass of champagne from a passing tray, lifting it to her lips. drake glared at a man staring at her from over her shoulder until he held up his hands and walked away. “this is really fancy,” riley noted, looking around the room. “is this what your summers are usually like? all these balls and parties?”

drake shook his head. “honestly, i try to avoid stuff like this unless liam really needs my support. savannah likes it, but most of this... isn’t my scene. in a few years, when liam starts looking for a queen -- it’s going to be awful. there’ll be a ball like this every week, and an international tour, too.”

“oh, no,” riley said sarcastically, “a free trip to other beautiful countries? it sounds terrible.”

“traveling with the royal court is hardly a vacation,” he sighed. “the security alone makes it impossible to do anything fun. it’s basically exactly what we do here -- crowded dinners filled with pretentious people and tiny portions of fancy food -- except that you’re jet-lagged and tired on top of it.”

she shook her suddenly empty champagne flute at him before setting it down on the bar. “at least there’s alcohol.”

“that one, i’ll give you.” he gave both their drink orders to the bartender, passing riley her vodka soda -- three limes -- with one hand and drinking deeply from his whiskey with the other. riley leaned up against his side as they stepped away from the crowd, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders to pull her in closer.

she surveyed the people filling the ballroom with interest. “okay, so give me the rundown. who’s who?”

“most of the people here are cordonian nobility,” he explained, “their parents run duchies throughout the country. you know -- like how maxwell’s brother runs his?”

riley hummed, nodding her head. she took another sip of her drink. “and is being really, really pretty a requirement of coming to these things? because most of these girls look like supermodels.”

draked laughed. “most of the girls here are some of the meanest people you will ever meet.” his fingers drummed on her bare shoulder to catch her attention, and he lowered his voice as he inclined his head to the far right of the room. “that’s madeleine. she was engaged to leo before he abdicated. now that liam’s set to be king, she’ll be all over him.”

riley’s face displayed her disgust. “after she was engaged to his brother?”

“it was never really like that, for them. i’d be surprised if she and leo ever even kissed, outside of public obligations.”

“that’s kind of sad, don’t you think?”

“yeah. especially because she’s pretty much the favored choice for liam, and... not a very pleasant person to be around. i hope he picks anyone else, honestly.”

a flash of red hair caught his eye, and he looked across the room to see olivia and liam dancing together. he grimaced. “well... almost anyone.”

“who’s she?”

“olivia nevrakis, we grew up together. her family has a long history in cordonia. she’s been in love with liam for... pretty much our entire lives. ever since her parents died, she’s been running their duchy alone, in lythikos.”

“ahh.” recognition dawned on riley’s face. “that’s the place maxwell calls the elephant graveyard.”

“what? why?”

she looked at him like he was crazy. “from the lion king? it’s the place simba isn’t ever supposed to go. because... of the hyenas? have you seriously never seen the lion king?”

maxwell appeared beside them suddenly, two champagne flutes in his hands. he passed one to riley. “did i hear someone say the lion king?”

she clinked her glass against his with a grin. “drake’s never seen it! isn’t that insane?”

drake nodded at the glass in maxwell’s hands. “don’t worry, i didn’t want one.”

he scoffed. “you already have a drink! riley’s was looking low.”

“thanks, maxwell,” she said primly, leaning her head briefly on drake’s chest. “don’t be so grumpy, you.”

drake rolled his eyes. “i’m just saying -- we’re going to need about a thousand more of those, if we’re going to get through tonight.” 

“aww, come on. this is pretty fun. i love that you have all the gossip.”

he sighed heavily, his gaze drawn back to where olivia seemed reluctant to release liam, even as the song changed. “i need to go rescue liam. will you be okay for a few minutes on your own?”

riley nodded, waving him off. she set both of her empty glasses down on a passing tray. “yeah, i’ll be fine. go save the day.”

“i’ll introduce you to some people,” maxwell offered, “maybe we can even teach you the corodnian waltz.”

*

it was longer than he would’ve liked before he made his way back to riley again. he’d seen her out of the corner of his eye, dancing with maxwell, talking to savannah, meeting some of the other ladies from court. whenever he glanced her way, she seemed to be handling herself remarkably well -- better than he ever had. he was impressed.

he came armed with another drink for her when he finally appeared to pull her away from maxwell and the girls she was talking to, assuming she’d need it. surprisingly enough, the small group that’d gathered around her actually complained when drake pulled her away. 

drake led her out onto the balcony and handed her her drink. riley accepted it gratefully, laughing when he said, “it looks like you’ve made quite the impression.”

riley shrugged, holding the cool glass against her flushed cheek. she’d probably danced more tonight than he had in his entire life. “most of them aren’t so bad. but i do see what you mean about olivia. she’s a nightmare.”

he laughed. “what -- no way! american, commoner, here with me? you should have been her favorite person at this party.”

she grinned out at the courtyard below them, bracing her hands on the balcony’s railing. “she’s lucky we’re here and not at school, or i’d slap that stupid smirk off her face.”

drake whistled. “someone’s feeling feisty.”

riley shot him a sideline look. if he didn’t know any better, he’d almost think that she’d been out there defending him. after a beat, she said, “you didn’t tell me you had admirers here.”

his eyebrows arched high as he took a sip of his own drink. “probably because i don’t.”

“hmmm.” she pursed her lips and then turned around, leaning her back against the railing. drake followed her gaze back into the ballroom and found that she was looking at kiara. “she likes you.”

drake rolled his eyes. “that’s not funny.”

she folded her arms under her chest, turning back towards him. “i’m not laughing.”

“she doesn’t even know me. and i’m not interested in her.” 

riley sighed. he wondered if there was something else he should say -- but before he could start to overthink things, she leaned in for a kiss. 

drake pulled her close and kissed her deeply, the way he’d been wanting to all night. he’d been thinking of this moment and this moment alone since she’d descended the grand stairs, and he swept her into his chest, carefully weaving his hands into her hair so he could tilt her face up to kiss her harder.

riley wound her arms around him in turn and shivered as their bodies met, humming happily against his lips when his grip tightened. the muffled sound of the party behind them faded away as all of drake’s focus centered on her and the crazy way she made him feel. 

when they finally broke apart, he tipped their foreheads together, staring down at her. riley was breathing hard, her lips swollen and her cheeks pink. she looked so happy.

before she could speak, he said, “i have to tell you something.”

she held his gaze. it was now or never. in a moment, she wasn’t going to look this happy anymore -- she was going to be so fucking mad at him.

he shut his eyes with a sigh. her hand was sweetly stroking his side under his jacket and over his shirt, her voice gentle and encouraging when she asked, “drake? what is it?”

“i’m not... going back to school with you, riley. i have to stay here.”

he could feel her freeze in his arms, tensing up. the words hung in the air between them, creating distance that was unavoidable, even though she didn’t move. he opened his eyes.

“you’re... what?”

“i’m not going back to boston,” he said again, his voice low. “i’m sorry... but i can’t. liam needs me here.”

predictably, she looked upset. drake watched as a series of emotions flickered across her face before her expression set into one of stony resolve. he didn’t try to stop her as she pulled away, taking a step back from him. “when did you decide that?”

he knew his answer wouldn’t be popular, but at least it was the truth. “as soon as i got back.”

she flinched. “and you didn’t think it was important to tell me before now?”

“riley -- i wanted to tell you,” he rushed to explain, hating that everything out of his mouth sounded like an excuse. “but it never felt like the right time, and --”

“that is such bullshit.” it felt like the ground was falling out from beneath him as angry tears sprang into her eyes. “you knew all fucking summer you were just going to ship me back there by myself and you acted like we were -- and then what? what was supposed to happen for us?”

“hey, no. that’s not what i -- riley, we can still... be in a relationship. of course i still want that. i know the long distance thing isn’t easy but i thought we could... try. and then after you graduated -- i don’t know, maybe -- you could move here, or... we could talk about it then? i don’t know. i didn’t get that far.”

“so those are my options?” she looked like she wanted to throw something at him. he couldn’t blame her. “move to cordonia, or break up with you?”

“no,” he emphasized again, trying to pinpoint where, exactly, this talk had gone horribly wrong, “that’s not what i want. i want you to be happy, riley. and these last few months... it seemed like you were really happy.”

“of course i was! because you were acting like -- like --”

“like what? help me out here, please.” he knew he sounded desperate, but if he could just understand what exactly was making her so upset, maybe there was still a chance they could fix this.

riley sighed. she looked devastated. “you’ve been acting like you’re in love with me. of course that made me happy, drake.”

the world slowed to a stop. he didn’t say anything -- he only stared at her in surprise. finally, he found his voice. “riley... i’ve never been ‘acting’ around you. everything i’ve said -- everything i’ve done... all of this has been because i am in love with you.”

that seemed to be the absolute last thing she ever thought he would say. “what?”

drake couldn’t hold back his laugh. “brooks -- riley. did you seriously not know?”

her eyes went wide. “no! how was i supposed to know?!”

“well --”

“oh my god. drake.”

he’d lost the ability to tell whether this conversation was going terribly well or just plain terribly. it felt like his grip on the situation was deteriorating rapidly. confusion clear in his voice, he asked, “are you still... mad at me?”

riley smacked his shoulder. “yes! i can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were staying here sooner.”

drake winced. “i know... and i’m sorry. you deserved to know as soon as you got here, but... i didn’t want it to ruin our summer. i wanted to give you the time of your life.”

she heaved a loud, long sigh. he watched as she looked out over the courtyard, and then up at the stars. before he could apologize to her again -- and really start groveling -- riley rushed forward and kissed him.

he held her waist to keep her steady, decidedly going with it. even though he still wasn’t exactly sure what was happening, he was cautiously optimistic that he hadn’t ruined everything beyond repair. it didn’t feel like a ‘goodbye’ kiss.

she was stroking his cheek when she pulled away, cupping his jaw in her hand. the warm glow from the party still going on behind the double doors lit her up like a dream. it felt like the only explanation for what the hell she was still doing here, with him -- he had to be dreaming.

“drake... i love you, too.”

he yanked her in and pressed their lips together again, crushing his mouth against hers. riley moaned as he lifted her up off her toes and held her as close as he possibly could, spinning around to press her against the balcony’s ledge. it felt like forever before he managed to drag himself away from her -- like maybe they kept kissing until the party ended or even beyond that, into the next morning. 

riley was smiling widely at him. “you’re such an idiot.”

he nodded, still marveling down at her in wonder. somehow, the amazing girl in his arms loved him. him. the giant fuck-up that he was -- riley loved him. “i know. you’re gonna have to go easy on me sometimes.”

“oh, this isn’t going to be easy,” she promised, lifting her hands to his face. she seemed to be just as in awe as he was. 

“that’s fine, too. you know i like a challenge, brooks.” his hands slid down her back, over the fabric of her gown. he hoped she wouldn’t be too angry with him for tearing it off of her as soon as they could make their way back upstairs, piece by piece. “and i promise i’m going to do everything i can to make you happy. not just next year. but forever.”

her fingers brushed softly through his hair. riley’s gaze was warm as it searched his face. whatever she found there kept her smiling. “you don’t have to try so hard. i’m happy with you just the way you are.”

*

the rest of august flew by in a flash.

in the blink of an eye, it was time for riley to leave. they stayed up all night on her last night in the palace, talking about everything and nothing, kissing until they were short of breath. 

so she looked tired, when she finally started packing her things, even after they showered together for the last time -- something that usually filled her with seemingly boundless energy. 

the mood was somber as she triple-checked her room for anything she might’ve forgotten. drake sat on the bed and watched her walk around in silence; the room looked bizarrely bare without her t-shirts and hair ties and underwear thrown all over it.

she stopped silently in front of the bed and cupped his face in her hands, tilting his chin up so he would look at her. 

“you’re pouting.”

he was. “i’m not pouting. this just sucks.”

riley’s lips twitched. “you’re sulking.”

“no,” he answered petulantly, “i’m rightfully sad that the best summer of my life is coming to an end.”

she sighed, stepping closer in between his spread legs. “yeah.”

riley dropped one hand to his wrist, which she lifted to eye-level so she could look at his watch. “i should probably start saying goodbye, if i ever want to make my flight.”

she’d said a round of goodbyes last night, to everyone -- doling out hugs and then hugging everyone again, exchanging her number with anyone who hadn’t already gotten it and swapping social media handles, promising to visit at christmas break. but he knew they wouldn’t let her sneak out so easily. she was riley. she’d wormed her way into each and every last one of their hearts.

“i could just refuse to let you go,” he mused, balling his hands up in the back of her shirt tightly. “keep you stuck up here forever.”

she hummed as though she was actually considering the idea. “what would we eat?”

“i would bring snacks.”

“you would leave to go get them?”

he leaned forward and buried his face in her chest. “so i haven’t worked out all the kinks yet. but the core of the plan is solid: you stay here forever.” 

riley ran her fingers through his hair. “it won’t be so bad, you know. christmas is only a couple of months away.”

“i feel like i should be the one doing this for you. when did you turn me into this?”

she laughed. it spoke volumes to how upset he was that it couldn’t lift his mood, not even a little. “you won’t even have time to miss me,” she murmured. he squeezed her tighter. “i’ll be texting and calling you constantly. and you’ll be busy being a professional best friend.”

he finally lifted his head, standing so he could hug her the way he wanted to. “riley, there isn’t going to be a single minute that i’m not thinking about you until you get back here. i think you’re seriously overestimating just how busy i actually am. i might do nothing but miss you.”

riley managed to look both surprised and delighted at the same time. “promise?”

“i promise.” 

he carried her bag downstairs and stood around while she said one last goodbye to his friends. despite how sad he was, there was something he loved about seeing all the people he cared about -- liam, savannah and even maxwell -- hug her so hard, like they were going to miss her as much as he would. 

drake drove her to the airport, trying to pretend like everything was fine. if he allowed himself not to think about it for a few moments, it was almost like they were back in boston and on their way to dinner or a movie or the grocery store -- though riley always drove when they were at school, because she was the one who had a car. 

reality started to set in when he walked her inside. he found that he hardly wanted to hand her bag over to her -- if he did, then this was real. she’d be leaving. 

he swallowed hard as she threw herself at him again for another big hug. drake squeezed his eyes shut tight and tried to memorize everything about her -- exactly the way she smelled and felt in his hands, the soft thump of her heart beat, the small noise she made into his ear. tomorrow morning he was going to wake up without her stupid hair in his mouth, for the first time in months. 

when he set her back down on her feet, he was eternally grateful to find that she wasn’t crying. if she started, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to actually do it -- to say goodbye.

but her voice did wobble precariously when she said, “hey, i’ll be back before you know it.”

drake clenched his jaw, trying not to let himself get too emotional. he bent down and scooped her up into another tight hug. “i don’t think i can do this,” he admitted, tucking his face into the juncture between her neck and shoulder. “i’m sorry. you’re going to have to stay.” 

she laughed, kicking her feet until he put her back down. he stared intently at her as she wound her arms around him. “thank you for the best summer of my life, drake walker.” the sad smile on her face was breaking his heart. she was so beautiful -- it wasn’t fair. none of this was fair. “don’t forget about me, okay?”

“it’s gonna take a lot more than this to get rid of me.” he reached out to stroke his fingers across her cheek, hardly able to stop touching her. this was the last time he would touch her for the next fifteen weeks.

riley reached up and wrapped her hand around his wrist. “i’ll hold you to that.”

he exhaled heavily. his chest felt tight. there was so much he wanted to say to her. he needed her to know how much she meant to him -- how he could never forget her, how he could never have even a hope of forgetting just one thing about her -- but he’d never been good with words. he’d always had much better luck showing riley what he meant than telling her.

drake pulled her in close and pressed their lips together. he meant for the kiss to be soft and sweet, but riley kissed him that same way she had when she first arrived in cordonia: desperate and hungry, passionately moving her lips against his. she kissed him like this was the last time they’d ever see each other -- like she wanted him to know the way she felt, too. without her having to say a word, he understood. 

he was breathing hard when they broke apart, and he silently bent down and grabbed her duffel bag, helping riley hook it onto her shoulder.

“i love you,” he said, squeezing her free hand once before letting it drop. “have a safe flight. call me when you’re settled.”

*

+1

“look!” riley’s voice was filled with wonder, as though this wasn’t already the fifth time she was exclaiming so. “mistletoe.” 

drake’s eyes followed her pointing finger to the ceiling above their heads. sure enough, there it was. “you know, you didn’t need to plan this. i’ll kiss you whenever you want.”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” riley shrugged, like she and maxwell hadn’t been on ballroom decorating duty. he arched an eyebrow at her, but she stayed resolutely silent.

maxwell walked past them in a santa hat, a long rope of garland draped across his shoulders. “you know, it’s bad luck not to kiss.”

riley nodded solemnly at drake. “he’s right.” 

“you’re acting like i didn’t let you bring me to all the other spots you hung it,” he huffed, but obligingly leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, anyway. riley hummed happily as he did so, winding her arms around his neck. seriously -- it was the fifth time he’d kissed her in the last ten minutes. “are you going to be able to make it through this party?”

she shook her head. “no. i almost didn’t even make it through my flight. or my finals. do you know how hard it was to make it through my finals?”

“you might’ve mentioned it once or twice.” that was an understatement. he was sure he had permanent hearing loss after listening to riley scream over the phone for the last month. 

not that it mattered, since she was here, now. and he had her all to himself for the next three weeks. 

it hardly felt like enough time, but it was better than nothing. he’d been hoping the distance would get easier, the longer they were apart, but he missed riley more and more every day, with everything he had. 

“i can’t believe i get to wake up with you on christmas,” she beamed, pulling him out from under the mistletoe and continuing their walking tour of the room. “that’s going to be the best gift ever.”

“as long as you don’t let it slip in front of my mom that we’re not each staying in our own rooms.” because she’d be here, too. in just a few days, she’d be meeting riley for the first time -- and they’d all get to spend christmas together. everything he’d ever wanted would be in one place. it was hard not to feel tremendously lucky as he considered his good fortune.

“us? sleep together? in the same bed? no way,” she declared theatrically, her face twisting into an over-exaggerated grimace. 

he was so distracted by the way she looked that he didn’t even notice where riley was leading him.

“drake, look!” she exclaimed again, prompting him to roll his eyes.

“let me guess. mistletoe?”

he swiveled his gaze upwards. sure enough, the sprig of mistletoe stared back at him. 

he sighed. “you’re lucky i kind of like you.”

the look on her face spelled trouble. “like me?” she repeated, “you looooooooove --”

before she could finish teasing him, drake bent down and kissed her, hard enough to shut her up. he knew that when they broke apart she’d be dazed -- that she’d pull him right back in for another kiss.

not that he minded, since it was tradition and all. he assumed she wouldn’t, either.

just kissing her felt like an early present. having her here was the greatest thing to ever happen to him, and he couldn’t stop himself from picturing a series of christmases exactly like this one...

...and his mom would be bringing his grandma’s ring with her...

...and riley had no idea. she smiled at him when he pulled away, already tugging on his hand to lead him to the next sprig of mistletoe she and maxwell had hung up earlier. 

drake spared a brief moment, as he followed her to the other end of the ballroom, to reflect on all the crazy events that had led them here. for once, it felt good not to think about something he would’ve done differently. 

[amysubmits]

How do you talk about your feelings and needs with your Dom if they are not getting met and not coming off sounding so needy. In a LDR a 30yrs age difference between us. I love my Sir but have a hard time with expressing myself.

I struggle with communication and worries about being too needy or burdensome at times too. I think unfortunately, a lot of people learn as kids that having needs is undesirable..but that’s pretty unhealthy. Of course, I have no context for your relationship, but sometimes Dominants try to use that ‘don’t be needy’ insecurity to their advantage, so they act like subs needs are burdensome, or less-than-submissive or something, but ultimately they just want to get the benefits of having a submissive without having to put in the work to take care of their submissives’ needs...and that’s no good. 

But in healthier D/s relationships, Doms want to meet their subs needs, NEED to meet their subs needs, even. And when that’s the case, then expressing your needs won’t be seen as needy. It’ll be seen as healthy communication, and as participating in your D/s relationship in a positive way. It’ll be seen as emotional intimacy. It’ll be seen as benefitting both of you. Because when you feel taken care of, and your needs are met, that puts you in a better place to serve better, to meet his needs better, etc. I know it’s easy for insecurity about being needy to keep you from speaking up as you don’t want to feel selfish...but it really does help the Dom to meet the subs needs, because it’s a relationship that involves a lot of exchange. If he “fills your bucket” that gives you more to pour back into him, and vise versa. 

So anyway...I’d just try to ‘talk back to’ your insecurities about being needy, and to respectfully express your needs, because it’ll benefit you both in the end. I know it’s easier said than done, but I think it’s by far the better way to go vs trying to just keep going while your needs are neglected. 

[viasatellite]

title: Lost in a dream summary: "You were young, you had dreams, and I wasn't part of any of it." Maybe love isn't all there is, after all. SasuSaku and LDR. Oneshot.  notes:   this is my late Valentine's fic (another LDR fic) and i was listening to Lady Antebellum's Big Love in a Small Town the whole time! That really set the mood for this one.

-------

She doesn't count a lot of things.

She doesn't count how many hours of sleep she loses trying to save lives and forgetting to feed herself, not the number of times she's received emergency calls from the hospital, the times she's had to cancel on her dinner dates with Ino and the girls, and definitely not the attempts her memories have made at cleaving their way through her.

But it's been seven years, and the scent of roses intrudes into her rather perfunctory sense of smell of washed up, sanitized corridors. It's the hospital; it's all a routine until someone falls and hangs in a critical balance between life and death.

But even death becomes familiar after a while.

It's been five years, she counts, since her fantastic romance blew up into shreds and tatters. But they were young – there was, expectedly, a lot of passion and thrill, but no direction.

"We're young and we have our dreams. My dream is not here. Yours is. I have no need of such complication."

Sakura finds herself choking up as she recalls how easy it was for him to take her heart and for her to ransom herself with his promises that eventually amounted to nothing.

"But Sasuke, three years is too long. You can't just throw that away. We can make this work if we do it together. We'll find a way," she coaxed, reaching for his hand.

Her hand never reached his as he turned his back, not mincing his words. Sakura closes his eyes, blocking him from resounding in her head.

The sound of her phone snaps her out of her gloomy daze, and she can't be more thankful.

"Ino . . . Oh, alright. Yes, I understand. I'm fine! No worries, darling. Have fun okay? And tell me about it later? Great then talk to you later."

They were supposed to finally have their long-awaited date especially now that the season calls for it, but Ino actually got herself a "real" Valentine's date, and Sakura isn't about to take that chance away from her.

If she were to be honest, she didn't feel like going out on this day anyway. It's heavily laden with societal expectations and laced with her personal memories from the past, and she doesn't want to relive any of it.

"Haruno-sensei!"

It's one of the nurses, and she's carrying two paper bags as she rushes to meet Sakura.

"I made chocolates for everyone. Here's one for you. Hope you'll like it. Happy Valentine's!"

She's gone before Sakura can even say thank you. She looks at what she's just been given, and the sudden familiarity of it all floods her.

"I know you don't like chocolates, especially MY chocolates, but I made this for you anyway."

He took her offering and looked at her for a while. She blushed under the severity of his gaze.

"You can throw it if you want to but don't do it now, not in front of me, okay!"

He smirked and opened the box before finally taking a piece into his mouth. Sakura had her mouth opened the whole time.

"I never said I didn't like your chocolates. You're five years too late though. I've been expecting this since high school."

Sakura pouted. "What do you mean? If I had so much showed you a tinge of interest, you would've turned me away like you did with all those fans! And . . . and we have been friends since we were babies, I didn't know how to not make it feel . . . incestuous."

Sasuke made a step toward her and she visibly took a step back.

"Sakura, I never saw you as a fan. You're a friend – "

"Exactly my point!"

"And special. You are special."

"Oh."

She smiled at him, her heart all of a pitter and a patter.

"Then I guess I'm lucky?" she chuckled.

He closed the distance and pulled her against him, pressing a kiss on her forehead.

"Maybe you are. Make me some more chocolates?" he teased, waiting for her reaction.

"You meanie. That's not fair. You gotta make me chocolates too!"

She was supposed to throw him a mildly annoyed look but it all melted away when he leaned in and captured her lips. She felt him tightening his hold against her and she couldn't help but wound her hand in his hair, desperately kissing him back.

She was breathless when he finally stopped. "Do you still need me to make you chocolates?"

She laughed and shook her head before reaching for another kiss.

Sakura finally makes it inside her car, wondering who to call, or if she should just head straight home especially since this is a rare opportunity for rest. But her feelings do not go unquiet and she needs some mighty dose of comfort. Maybe she could drop by her favorite bar? Drink herself to oblivion? But what if duty calls, she can't be that irresponsible. She just needs to drown out the offending memories. She should be fine with some company, have some space from herself. She doesn't know where to go, but she starts the car, hoping she'll figure it out sooner than the memories, more of them, catching up to her.

Sakura thought they could just continue forever. She never considered the distinct possibility that things come to an end, even what they had. They would have minor fights about the silliest of things like how Sasuke would sometimes take forever to respond to her texts, how Sakura would sometimes show up late for their study sessions, or how sometimes they were just both too busy to even see or spend time with each other even though they lived in the same city.

Sasuke wasn't usually bothered by it. It was mostly Sakura who couldn't take it sometimes, demanding more time to be together yet at the same time wholeheartedly understanding that on top of attending different universities, both of them had other things they needed to be focusing on aside from their relationship. Sakura was studying to be a doctor, and Sasuke training to be the future CEO of their company, although with his brother being around, that wasn't really a possibility unless his brother stepped down from the position.

But Sasuke had a dream of starting his own company and he had always told Sakura that he couldn't do that in their city as it would require having a large network of connections and a move elsewhere. He was also looking at going to grad school in another country.

Sakura knew all this, but she had been deeply caught up in this swift moving dream of being together with Sasuke that she didn't realize they were rapidly headed for a steep descent.

A few days before what was supposed to be their third anniversary and a celebratory date for their graduation, Sasuke broke the news that he got accepted into a university in Europe and would be away for at least two years.

"I'm so so happy for you, Sasuke-kun! Congratulations!"

Sakura jumped up to hug him. She stayed like that for a while but with no sign of Sasuke returning the gesture.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"Sakura, I don't think we can continue doing this."

"What do you mean, can't continue?"

"You have a life here and will soon become a doctor. But I can't stay here."

Sakura bit her lip, trying to keep her tears at bay, as she realized where this conversation was going. She saw it necessary to reason with Sasuke with logic and she didn't want to show how emotional she was getting.

"Look. I know you can't stay, Sasuke-kun. You've been telling me. So you go study wherever you want to and no matter how long you want to. And I'll just be here waiting."

She tried convincing him with a smile but even she herself was finding it hard to stay optimistic.

"I don't want you to wait. I don't want either of us to wait."

Hinata is calling, and Sakura delightfully welcomes a much-needed distraction from her aggravating memories. Tears are threatening to fall again, but it has been seven long years, and she still feels the pain as if it was just carved yesterday.

She calms herself down before answering the call.

"Hinata?"

"Sakura! So glad you answered the call. Where are you? Do you have a date?"

"Oh, I . . . it was cancelled."

She's been playing this little game of pretend with herself and everyone else. She feels guilty but she's not about to show her friends that after seven years, she's still stuck in the same spot where he left her.

"Great! Are you free right now? Naruto and I didn't want to go out and just decided to cook together. We'd like you to judge who did better. . ."

Sakura can hear Naruto screaming "Me of course!" in the background. She chuckles lightly.

"Oh god, you two are as adorable as ever. Count me in. I'm on my way!"

"See you, Sakura-chan!"

Filled with newfound cheerfulness and excitement, she then wipes her tears away before speeding up and making a sharp turn at the end of the street. Suddenly, it isn't a cheerless road anymore, and the sadness that seemed impenetrable has now been cast away. It might be only temporary, but she needs to breathe and her best friends are just what she needs to accomplish that.

She's holding a box of chocolates as she opens the door stoked to see the two lovebirds and the mess they have made in the kitchen.

But instead she sees him seated at the table, eyes in her direction, as if already expecting her to show up behind the door.

She almost drops the chocolates and accusingly glares at Naruto who has just come out from the kitchen. She doesn't say anything but demands an answer silently.

Naruto tries to say something when Hinata comes and runs to her."

"Oh Sakura, you're finally here! Come, come, and we have a lot of food for you to taste!"

Hinata picks up the box from her hands and practically drags her to the table. Sakura has no choice but to be seated in front of Sasuke who she hasn't seen for ages and she wishes she didn't have to see him again. Having painful memories of him has been more than enough.

"Hello, Sakura."

His voice has become fuller but still icy. She sends a wry smile his way without directly looking his way. Oh, how she wants to continue faking it, pretending she's been okay, but not like this. She isn't prepared for any of this. Pain does find you in unlikely places, and she just wants the dinner to be over soon.

She can tell how hard the couple is trying to make the atmosphere less tense, throwing questions around for anyone to answer. But she doesn't want to engage in any of it. She's just been focused on tasting different dishes, dryly commenting her evaluations every now and then.

"Teme, I didn't expect you'd even be back here. Thought you would stay in Europe forever!" Naruto begins as he starts chomping down on his plates of food.

"I planned to but we're expanding and thought it best to have our first branch here."

"Awesome! Does that mean you'll be staying here for a while?"

"Maybe. But I'll have to go back there as soon as I can."

"Oh, you haven't been actively responding to our chat. So . . . are we missing something here? Do you have a fiancée now that you can't leave?" he teases.

Naruto stops as soon as he says it, and Sakura sees Hinata slapping at his arm. But Naruto coughs and continues.

"Sakura has been dating around, too, right, Saku-chan? Tell us about your recent conquest!"

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata warns, slapping a hand over her partner's mouth.

Sakura lets out a weak laugh.

"No, I have no conquests. I don't have the time and energy needed to be in a relationship. And . . ." she scoffs, "it's pointless anyway."

.

.

"But Sasuke, three years is too long.

You can't just throw that away.

We can make this work if we do it together.

We'll find a way."

"No need to. It won't work. It's all pointless anyway."

.

.

Sakura abruptly rises from her seat.

"I . . . I need to go. I have to go back to the hospital."

She hastily gives Hinata a hug. "As always, you did better than him," she smiles at Hinata as she glares at Naruto.

She then rushes out of the door, quickly fumbling for her key inside her bag as she takes deep breaths, keeping her emotions in check.

"Sakura."

She feels herself whirled around, and she breaks down at the sight of him.

"Why the hell are you here? Why did you even come back. . ." she looks at him straight, furious tears marring her vision.

"I . . . I don't know. Maybe I wanted to see you and apologize for what I did," he says softly, looking down.

"But what for, Sasuke! You. . . you just threw it all away! Didn't even give it a chance, left without saying goodbye and suddenly after 7 fucking years, you want to say sorry? For what exactly? For hurting me? For not loving me at all?"

Sasuke looks at her firmly. "You know that's not true. It's not true that I didn't love you."

"Everything that you did that day told me what you truly felt, Sasuke, and I don't need your sorry. I don't need any explanation from you. Just let me . . . let me be, I can't – "

"Sakura, I was scared. The distance would've hurt you more, the waiting would've killed you."

Sakura smiles sadly and shakes her head. "You killed me the moment you walked away. I would've done anything to keep us. But I guess you just weren't ready. You were young, you had dreams, and I wasn't part of any of it."

"I'm sorry, Sakura. I'm sorry for hurting you. I wish I could take it all back. In the end, those dreams meant nothing."

She remembers touching his face before smoothing out the creases and stroking away the sadness and exhaustion. She remembers how it was all so simple back then and wishes she could just take everything back, too.

Before she even notices what she's doing, her hand is already a mere inch from his cheek, ready to touch him again, to do all of that for him again. But when she realizes, she smiles tearfully and drops her hand.

"I wish you happiness, Sasuke-kun."

She loved him so much that walking away from him was something she would have never trusted herself to do. But they were young, they had dreams, and somehow, they lost each other.

There's no looking back.

...

Fin.

(might actually continue here)

[missbeautyandherbeast]

Only Want You

Donatello X Reader

Summary: Request: @boatloadsofheart: the reader broke up with the turtle ( I’m a sucker for Donnie) for some reason and then she realizes how much she loves him and that she doesn’t need anybody else. Well something a bit angsty with fluffy ending. (That with more angst) (Also, to outside folks, Donnie was your LDR bf)

A/N: Two posts in one day? Who’s this? Anyway, I sorta forgot that I had this in the works and well, here it is my loves. Also, the nickname dove is really growing on me and is sorta absolutely adorable. Thank you so much fo the request btw! Much love to you all. 

Warnings: ANgST, Depression 

“I can’t wait for college.” My best friend plopped down beside me on my bed. “Think of the guys! And the parties! And clubbing? Yes, ma’am.” Sarah sighed longingly.

I gave a tight smile.

“I’ve got a guy. And I like him very much thank you.” I teased back, poking her side.

“But he’s so far away. Do you think that he’d care if you let loose in college? It’s not like he’d ever find out.” Her words got mumbled, but they shocked me.

Guilt weighed on my heart for even entertaining the thought. Sure, I could keep it from Donnie, and he probably wouldn’t hold it against me... but wat that really what I wanted?

My bestie noticed my silence.

“You think too much girl,” She rolled her eyes. “College is the time for parties and sex and rock and roll.”

“And drugs and alcohol?” I was skeptical.

“Exactly.” Her grin was devilish.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes at her. Yet, the thoughts were entertaining: to be wanted by a guy in a club who would notice my tight dress and high heels; who would hold me close as the beat rocked through our bodies. Just the thought of the attention alone gave me a high, a want, a need.

“Maybe.” I murmured.

Lounging in the lab, I scrolled through my feeds. Sarah was at a club, with a guy, looking as happy as could be. I sighed and put my phone down, going to wrap my arms around Donnie’s neck.

“Hey there, dove,” He smiled, rubbing my arm. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,”

I was a bad liar and we both knew it.

“What’s the matter?” He pulled me into his lap, balancing us both on his lab chair.

“Nothing, just...friends. They went clubbing tonight. Sarah looked happy.” My tone was glum. I was glum.

“You could have gone out.” He gave a soft smile. “I’m not keeping you here.”

“It’s not the same.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, hiding from the hurt that I knew would be on his face. “You go to clubs to find someone new or show off the someone you have, and...” I sighed deeply.

“And you can’t do that.” He finished my train of thought, heartache in his voice.

“Not exactly,” I muttered.

I felt the rise and fall of his chest as he took a deep breath. He gently set me on my feet and took both on my hands in his, a soft broken smile on his face.

“Then you’re still free to go,” 

His words shattered my heart.

 Guilt overtook me.

I was a terrible person.

And yet... I had the freedom that I wanted... right?

“Don...” I tried, tears brimming in my eyes. “I didn’t... that’s not...”

“It’s okay.” I could see the moisture pool in his eyes. “Just go, have fun. I’ll be here.”

“How is this okay?” My voice broke. “How is any of this okay?” 

“I know I’m not someone you can take out to parties, and go on dates with, and take home to your parents. I know that. And now you do too. And that’s okay.”

His understanding made me want to cry more. It wasn’t fair.

Why didn’t he fight for me?

Didn’t he want me?

Didn’t he love me? 

Unless... he didn’t.

“Do you not want me?” I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together and failing completely.

“I don’t want this for you.” He whispered, not meeting my eyes. “I’m not human, it was time I stopped pretending to want it.”

I froze, my mind shutting down. He didn’t have to say it. I knew it.

He didn’t want me.

He didn’t love me.

I was stupid to believe it. Why would anyone love me? Why would someone as amazing and incredible as he was... love me? Maybe he was waiting for me to realize that on my own.

And I did.

“If... that’s what you want...” My eyes met his one last time. He just nodded.

I fled from the lair, onto the streets and took a cab back to my apartment, crying the entire way. The cabbie didn’t even ask me for cash. Her look was sympathetic. That made me cry more.

Miserable, I crashed onto my bed and just sobbed, hugging a pillow close to my chest, wishing it was someone else. Someone else who wasn’t mine. Who probably never had been mine.

How could I have been so stupid?

I didn’t notice that time had passed. Or that the sun slowly began to rise, through my sheer curtains. I didn’t notice if I slept or not. Like someone has hit pause on my life, while the rest of the world continued on.

“Y/n? Y/n!? Are you in here!?”

Some part of me wanted that to be a warm familiar voice, but another part of me knew that that voice wouldn’t care where I was.

It was Sarah, who barged into my room, frantic.

“Where have you been Chica? Don’t you answer your phone!?”

Only then did she realize my fetal position, the dried tears track on my cheeks, and maybe even the lack of light in my eyes.

“He didn’t love me,”

Now that the words were said, they were finalized somehow. If my admittance of them made them true.

Her expression softened as she sat beside me, and pulled me into her arms.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart,” she whispered, pulling a blanket around me. “That’s not fair.”

I felt a few extra tears escape from my eyes, as I tried to force back all of the pain that they wanted to bring.

Sarah’s phone buzzed on my comforter, and she grabbed it, answering the call.

“Yeah, I’ve got her. She’s... at home. I’ll call you later,” She ended the call and tossed her phone back onto the bed.

“Have you eaten?” Her voice was calm and soft as she stood, tucking me under the covers, taking off my shoes first.

I shook my head.

“I’ll be back with food, then we’ll marathon some stupid movies. Okay?” 

I nodded.

“You’ll be okay sweetheart. It’ll get better.”

I closed my eyes, and sleep welcomed me. At least this time I noticed it. I was on the streets of New York. Twilight was fading and only the streetlights gave me any sort of light. My eyes scanned the rooftops, looking for a familiar shadow. And I kept looking. And looking. Until day broke. And I realized that there was nothing out there for me to look for.

I gasped and my eyes flew open, tears streaming down my face. Sarah was passed out beside me and Shane Dawson was playing on the TV. I fumbled for the remote and turned it off. Making it to the bathroom, I let the hot water of the shower scald my skin, needing to feel something.

I almost picked my phone up to text him. Then I realized that he didn’t want me to. My phone fell from my hands and onto the floor. I left it there and curled back up in bed. I watched out my window, waiting for nothing but hoping for something anyway. I stared until the sun came up.

Sarah stayed with me that first week. 

A month passed. 

Maybe two. 

Maybe more. 

I got better. 

I got better at acting normal.

I went to class, and I ate when I was supposed to, showed up for work, cleaned my apartment, slept... cried. 

I was human after all.

“Hey, we’re all going out to a club downtown, There’s no cover. Wanna come?” Sarah offered on Friday afternoon, slightly hesitant.

I smiled, something odd that didn’t quite reach my eyes.

“Yeah, I need a night out.”

“Hell yeah, you do!” She encouraged. “You’re a boss ass bitch who don’t need no man!” 

I chuckled slightly at her theatrics and we got ready for the ensuing evening.

Looking in the mirror, I was flawless. My hair was a perfect mix of careless and styled, my makeup was bold without being slutty, as was my dress. And my heels gave me enough height to tease any guy.

It was what I always wanted... wasn’t it?

Except the club was loud and overcrowded. There were too many older guys who looked at me and I could tell they wouldn’t take no for an answer. I shook my head and grabbed my stuff. This wasn’t me.

This wasn’t what I wanted.

I said goodbye to a tipsy Sarah and left the club, and welcomed the cold air of New York. I ignored all of the calls of my name. Instead, I headed in the direction of him.

It was Friday.

He didn’t patrol on Fridays.

He would be there.

I made it to the lair, heels in hand and my hair let down. 

“Look what the cat dragged in.” I heard Raph taunt. 

“Shut the fuck up Raphael.” I hissed.

He blinked at me, shocked. I dropped my heels as well as my other stuff and barged into the lab, expecting him to be there.

He wasn’t.

“Where is he?” I demanded, turning back to Raph.

“Out on patrol. Probably somewhere near your place I assume.” The red-clad turtle gave off hand.

“But it’s Friday. He never patrols on Friday.” I came up short.

Raphael rolled his eyes. “I’m sure he wasn’t far behind wherever you were.”

It still didn’t add up. Why would he be near me?

I stormed out of the lair and onto the streets. My eyes scanned the rooftops, looking, praying. Tears started to form and fall as I couldn’t find my turtle’s shadow amongst the rooftops.

“Donatello! I need to talk to you!” I yelled out hopelessly. “You owe me that much!”

There was a soft thud from behind me, and I turned, knowing who it was before I did.

“Did you finally get what you wanted then?” He asked, his voice reserved, almost monotone.

I glared at him. This wasn’t about what I wanted, it was about what he wanted, and that wasn’t me.

“How about you?” I shot back. “Did you get what you wanted? Now that you didn’t have to play human for me anymore?” I snapped; my voice venomous.

I saw hurt flash across his face, and it stopped me in my tracks. I was here for a reason. I had to let him know what I wanted; even if he didn’t want me that wouldn’t change my mind about him.

“I don’t want this,” My voice broke as I looked at him. “The stupid dress, and the stupid shoes and the late nights out and having to start all over with someone else that isn’t you.” Tears started to stream down my face. “I know I fucked this up and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never wanted this.”

He stared at me in shocked silence, not expecting my confession.

“And it’s my fault and I pushed the blame on to you, and I know why you don’t want me because I’m ungrateful and inconsiderate and cruel and just an awful person and it’s okay.” I sobbed, almost laughing. “But I can’t get you out of my head. No one ever measured up. I... I’m so sorry Donnie.”

I turned to walk away, not caring that I didn’t have my phone, or shoes or keys. I didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want me here either.

And I owed him that much.

Until he grabbed my hand and spun me around, crushing his lips to mine. I was frozen in shock as he pressed against me, cradling my head and holding my waist. My arms, on reflex, wrapped around his neck and tugged at the tails of his bandana, and I kissed him back.

No matter how much it would hurt later when I was alone again.

“You stupid, stupid beautiful girl,” He whispered, his golden eyes boring into mine. I flinched waiting for the backlash. He set me right on my feet and held both of my hands in his.

“I never imagined it would be so easy to do,” He murmured. I grimaced and bit back a sob.

This was it.

This was the end.

“I thought it would be impossible...that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie for days to even plant a seed of doubt in your head.” He rubbed circles on the backs of my hands.

What?

“I lied, and I'm so sorry...sorry because I hurt you,” His eyes were filled with tears, as one of his hands moved to cup my face, brushing away stray tears. “But how could you believe me? After the thousands of times I've told you that I love you, how could you let one moment break your faith in me?"

I stared at him, in complete and utter shock. My thoughts started to spiral out of control. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and I didn’t. 

I didn’t believe it.

“I saw it in your eyes, you did believe that I didn’t want you. As if I could live without needing you!” His words didn’t make sense. “How could you ever believe that!?” His tone was pleading and sorrowful.

“It never made sense,” I sobbed. “For you to love someone like me.” 

“Why can you believe the lie and not the truth my dove?”

I flinched at the pet name. Donnie rubbed my cheek gently.

“It never made sense,” I repeated. “It still doesn’t.”

He tilted my chin back and making me look up at him.

“Telling you that I didn’t want you was the blackest kind of blasphemy.”

If he wasn’t holding me up, I would have fallen. He didn’t seem to mind the extra weight. He kept a steady hand at my waist, keeping me afloat.

“Why did you let me go?” I begged the question. “Why didn’t you fight for me?” I cried.

“Because I didn’t want to trap you here. And I know you, dove, you wouldn’t have left unless you believed that I didn’t want you. I had to lie.” His eyes pleaded his cause.

“I... you... you want me?” I asked hopeless. “You still want me? And love me?” My voice was on the edge of hysterics.

He gave a seldom nod and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead.

“Can you still love me? After all the hurt that I’ve put you through. Spare my feelings... can you truly forgive me? Or now that you know, do you want to move on?” His voice was guarded and hesitant.

“What kind of stupid question is that?” I choked out a laugh through tears and wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing close to him, welcoming his warmth. “The way I feel about you will never change, and there’s nothing that you can do to change that. Never again.”

Donnie grinned and pressed his lips back to mine and I didn’t care if this was all a dream and if it would hurt in the morning. Right now he was mine, and I was his and that’s all that I wanted to hold onto. And a stronger part of me knew that this wasn’t a dream and that he was mine. I held onto that part. And I held onto him.

Breaking the kiss and scooping me up, he carried me into the lair, into his room, and set me on the bed. Sifting through his drawers, he came back with an oversized t-shirt. I stripped out of my party dress and bra, not caring one bit about modesty and pulled the shirt on over my head. Then he handed me a package of make-up wipes, that were mine once upon a time, and still worked now.

“There she is,” He whispered, pulling me into his arms after my makeup was gone. “That’s my dove.”

I felt my cheeks flush as I wrapped my arms around him, letting him pull me to bed. I vaguely noticed that his room was a wreck, opposing the neatness that it normally was. I decided that that was something to worry about at a later date.

I was home.

I was where I belonged.

I was wanted.

I was loved.

[aesthetically-pleasing-babe]

Little + CG Application::

#1 Little Application:: ♡Name: I go by Fabio (I don’t really like my name :(   )

♡Big Age: 18

♡Little Age: I don’t know? I think 2-5

♡Role: Sub/little (for this application at least because I am also a cg)

♡Gender: Female

♡Sexuality: Bi

♡Location: Georgia, United States

♡Preferred Age: Not that much older than mee

♡Preferred Gender: No preference; open to anybody!

♡Close or LDR: Preferably close, but I can make a LDR work!!

♡Sexual/Non-Sexual/TBD Relationship: TBD. Anything irl will start as non-sexual until I’m comfortable. If it is strictly going to be online, then I’m a little more flexible. Although, my age regression/littlespace is purely non-sexual for me.

♡Monogamous or Polygamous: Monogamous, could try out Poly.

♡Little Likes: Painting, coloring, cuddles, drawing, singing, music (I have playlists made), cartoons, Disney movies, the color pink, ice cream and being playful

♡Little Dislikes: Mean people, yelling, bullies, impatience, vegetables, wet or sticky clothing

♡Little self: Shy at first, sensitive, gets overly excited and happy loud at times, very soft and sweet, can easily switch from being bratty to being submissive and back again. Very kind and compassionate, honest, and loyal.

♡Big Interests and likes: Drawing, Colorguard, Music (anything except country, sorryyy), singing, psychology, true crime, aesthetically pleasing stuff

♡Big dislikes: Ignorant people, Mr. Cheeto man, homophobes, transphobia, sexism 

♡What are you looking for in a caregiver: Somebody who cares about me, someone to take care of me and support me and will be there when I need it. I want somebody who I can be friends with, who I can laugh with, and who I am compatible with. Somebody who won’t hurt me, cheat on me, or abandon me.

♡Deal Breakers: Lying, cheating, abuse, triggers my traumas (after they know of them), trying to push me into something I’m not ready for, pushing me too far out of my comfort zone, violating established limits #2 Caregiver Application:: ✨Name: Fabio (but you can call me whatever nickname you want hun) ✨Age: 18 ✨Role: Mommy/CG ✨Gender: Female ✨Sexuality: Bisexual ✨Location: Georgia, United States ✨Preferred Age: TBD ✨Preferred Gender: I don’t mind! ✨Close or LDR: I wouldn’t mind either one! I can make them both work! ✨Sexual/Nonsexual/TBD/Platonic: TBD! I like being more of a platonic CG. But we could be in a relationship. I am completely SFW. ✨Monogamous/Polygamous: Monogamous put could try poly. ✨Dislikes: intolerance, impatience, racism, homophobia, sexism, superiority complexes, god complexes, the big Cheeto man. ✨CG Personality: I’m very protective of my little, a little clingy, a very good listening and very patient. I would describe myself as a soft CG. 

✨Personality: Im a very humorous and chill person, most people describe me as sweet, caring and loving! ✨Interests and stuff that I like: Drawing, Colorguard, Music (anything except country, sorryyy), singing, psychology, true crime, aesthetically pleasing stuff ✨Things you like as a caregiver to do with your little: I love little space in general, I find littles so adorable! I love drawings and colorings, I love playing with my little, I always make sure that my little one eats his/her/their meals and has a healthy and fun routine, and I always make sure my little is comfortable and padded. I just want my little to feel loved, appreciated, cared for and comfortable in and out of littlespace! ✨What exactly you’re looking for in a little: Anything really! I don’t have anything really in mind and I won't judge! Someone whose very clingy as me, who needs a lot of attention and has positive thinking about his/her/their little space. ✨Deal breakers: Lying, cheating, abuse, triggers my traumas (after they know of them), trying to push me into something I’m not ready for, pushing me too far out of my comfort zone, violating established limits

♡How to Contact✨:

(I dont really use social mediaaa sorryyy)

Tumblr:: Aesthetically-pleasing-babe Tumblr (2):: Fabio_nic13 Yubo:: Fabio_nic13

♡(If you choose to contact me, please let me know you are contacting me from this so I don’t accidentally ignore you! 😊)✨

[justagirlwithastorytotell]

You are stronger than you think

This year started off as the best year ever… kind of. I spent the week before and during the holidays with the man I love, watching him interact with my family and enjoying being in the same space. After a few days in his city, I was thinking that I could do this every day and be with him here. A week of cuddles and laughs and great sex wasn’t enough but we made the best use of the time that we had.

My boyfriend lives on the East Coast with this family and I live in the South near my family. We met at a work conference and a few years later worked out the details and started down this crazy LDR path. We committed to meet as often as possible and to make it work. Love.

I left him on the East Coast and came back to the South to my dog dying. I’m grateful that it happened how it happened but I’m remorseful that I didn’t do more for her. I’ll always love her.

Back to life as usual as we knew it. I was so wrapped up at work the week I got back that I didn’t notice I was missing something. My period! Funny because the day after it was late he casually asked about it, which he’s never done before. We never even talk about my period. Like never. It’s crazy how spiritually connected people can be.

Makes me think back to my ovulation day the last time we were together. I texted my best friend and said oops that same day. I know we should’ve had sex but he pulled out. I wasn’t going to miss out on these limited opportunities to have the ultimate connection with my man. I love sex with him.

He told me don’t worry that it was late it was probably just stress. I made a commitment to take a test if it wasn’t there by the end of the week. Secretly, I already knew the deal. My breasts were sore and the usual pre-period symptoms never came. I bought the test three days before I committed to taking it. It watched me every day.

I woke up Sunday morning scared, nervous, etc. I took the test as planned. Just as I expected. Got back in bed for the rest the day and cried. I sent a picture to my best friend but avoiding her calls all day. He was in church all day so it give me a reason to be distant for the day. My mind was everywhere. How would this affect me. How would this affect him. What would it mean for us? Before we had sex for the first time we talked about what we would do if, so I already knew what he wanted. How could I be so careless and caught in the moment to throw it all away.

It took me three days to tell him. Over a text message. Not how I wanted to tell him. The next day we talked about it briefly and then it all started. :)  He wanted to know what I ate, if I slept well and what I did. He fussed at me for not taking care of the baby. He called just to check on “us.” He’s such a good man.

Morning sickness is for the birds! Every day my breast got more sore and seemingly bigger.

We talked about our future. He wanted to keep it. We talked about making it work and being a family. He’s not crazy about the idea of abortion. I’m just scared. I missed my first actual appointment to confirm, but it’s all part of a plan. I rescheduled with an amazing supportive relatable Doctor. I cried and cried and asked her to double check the results. Both times positive. She gave me a follow up appointment and also referred me to an abortion clinic. This is real.

He arrived to town a few days later. He immediately touched my stomach as soon as he got in the car. My man and my baby. Our family. I can see this.

We cuddled all night and had the best sex in the morning. Literally. The best sex ever. We partied and enjoyed each other. As always, another wonderful weekend over to soon. We talked a lot. The pros and the cons. He’s not for the abortion but he’s supportive.

Back to life as usual while we figure this out. The next thing I know I’m called into HR and fired on the spot. I hold it together until I get to my car and break down. This is too much. Demoted and then fired. The car accident. The store. The Dog. Pregnancy. It’s just too much. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Looking back I realize that I am directly at fault by not speaking up for all of the most recent things in my life and vow to not make those same mistakes twice.

We fuss  more frequently now. He’s very distant about the pregnancy. He engages, but he is short. He’s no longer calling to check on “us” like he had before.

I set the consultation appointment at the clinic. 9 am on February 6. I arrived to be greeted by Pro-Life supporters. Shuffled into a room with no electronics, no sounds or tv and all the other girls lost in their own minds. I pay the receptionist and pee in the cup and wait. And wait. I moved to another room and wait more. Finally the tech calls me to the back. She tells me to fill out the paperwork and get undressed. I expect her to leave while I undress and expected something to cover myself. She was anxiously waiting and provided none of the “comforts” that I expected. Minimal instructions and conversation and she shoves the cold ultra sound wand into my vagina. I look at the screen and see it and listen for a heartbeat. I’m am relieved that it is too small to hear a heartbeat. As I redress I asked for a different doctor because I realize who the doctor is. The tech said he’s the only one. Well. No choice. Blood work and then onto the doctor’s consultation. The doctor was halfway through his rehearsed lines by the time he looked up. Awkward. He and I use to hang out years ago. It was actually comforting to see a familiar face. Even given the circumstances. We talked, he explain the options and answered questions. On the way out, the receptionist gave me the price and the information for the day of. I broke down in the car again. Alone. We committed early on to not tell too many people and not telling our families. That commitment left me with no one to talk to. My man wasn’t around. No one to understand my feelings that I barely understood myself. Pregnant and unemployed facing an expensive procedure.

He seemed annoyed when I want to talk about certain aspects. He says “we already talked about it.” He’s short when it comes to it. I have not 100% made up my mind. He asks about the appointment and the picture. I never show him the ultrasound because I didn’t wanna make him sad and tried to shelter him from the process.

The only thing I knew for sure is that I was pregnant and although I felt alone, as grumpy as he seems, my man was by my side. I feel like I’ve been picking at him. He’s on my nerves and my nerves are getting to me. I try to lay off, we are fussing more. I need more attention and he is needing more alone time to process it all.

The procedure is set for 9 AM on February 17. He comes in town late the night before. He doesn’t touch my stomach when he gets in the car. He’s quiet. When we get home he asked to see the ultrasound and asked a few questions and just sat quietly. I have a bad cold so we have to keep some distance, we barely even sleep close together. We talk the morning more of. I try to have sex to ease my nerves, it doesn’t work, he’s not into it.

My friend picks us up to go to the appointment. He makes one final plea “we don’t have to do this, we can make it work.” Honestly, I know he didn’t want this and I’m not sure I did either. I think and think, he’d be a great father. I’d figured out the mother thing. Our families will help. But we are so far apart and I want to share pregnancy and parenting with my partner. We arrive at the clinic. I’m so scared, both the physical fear of the procedure and emotional fear of what this means for us is overwhelming.

Again, they herd us from room to room. I analyze everyone there. All different ages and races and demographics. Some people have been there for a procedure before. I wonder where all of the men are. The paperwork only ask the father’s age and state. No specifics incase there are none. I couldn’t imagine truly being alone in this all.

Pills and needles to prep for the procedure. I’m half awake and half asleep. The tv in this waiting room is showing a murder series similar to Law & Order. It seems like forever before they call my number to the pre-op room. Paperwork and shots. Enter the procedure room which looks like a regular doctor’s office and kind of like a science classroom. The doctor and two nurses walk in and give a brief explanation. She inserts a shot into my cervix that burns. I hear the suction machine turn on. Everything is blurry from my tears. I feel the doctor stretch open my vagina so she can empty out uterus. I’ve never felt this kind of pain coming from some many different places. I have lost my voice due to my cold so I silently crying out in pain and try to close my legs. The nurses hold them open. I can feel everything. I’m trying to count down with the doctor to know avail. I remember her yelling you have to slow your breathing. All I could think about was his disappointment with me.

Finally it was over, I laid on the table crying from shame and pain. They make me get up even though I could barely move. I walk to the recovery room where myself and another girl are painfully out of it. Less than 10 minutes after the procedure they make me get up and walk to the bathroom to pee and get dressed. It’s all over. They signed me out and returned my phone. I call him to come. He’s on his way. He’s not here yet. I call him again. He seems annoyed. I get in the car and try to act normal. He asked if I’m OK. I lied. He sits on the other side of the car. We get home and I fall sleep on the couch. I wake up and he’s across the room, quiet. We go out later for food and pads. I guess I shouldn’t be embarrassed about that kind of stuff. I turn in early.

We woke the morning after to his phone ringing. He spends an hour and a half talking about work. I wanted him to talk to me. I try to be understanding that he’s trying to take his mind off of it. I want to know how he feels. Are they going to talk to me? Finally he opens up. He says “I feel like I killed my kid.” I immediately break down and I try to justify and express comfort. Minimally heated conversation and we get up to start our day. We grab lunch and then he has to work to do. We are apart most of the day and I just want to be together. We catch up for dinner and enjoy our final hours together. He leaves so early the next morning. He was wearing a very nice suit. He was cute.

I love him and I know that he loves me but this was hard. I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted to let my emotions out and cry with him. Barely 48 hours together for us to healing isn’t enough. I cry the whole way home from the airport like I normally do, except I have to pullover a few times to get it together this time.

Fussing is at an all-time high with us. Every week and something else. I’m dealing with this by needing attention and interaction and support. He deals with it by retreating within himself and wanting alone time. This is not a good dynamic for the situation. Anxiety peaks. This pretend not pretend undiagnosed depression anxiety attacks me. I didn’t think I was fit to raise a kid. That was a huge part of my decision. I could barely take care of my dog.

I continue to prep to move to be closer to him. It takes my mind off of things. We talk about it. I prep my family and friends. I’m in love with the idea of really starting a future with this man. Then it hits me. Mid conversation he says, “before you were the mother of my child, now you’re just my girlfriend.” I’m shocked and hurt. I feel as though I am forever spiritually connected with this man. We created a child in love and although we elected to go an alternate route based on the circumstances, we created something beautiful together. He apologized and clarified but it still stuck with me and stings so deeply.

We continues to plan our future despite the short term hiccups. We are excited for our plans. We’re fussing again, we knew it was going to be tough but damn.

The follow up appointment comes. I walk past the same protestors. I find enough confidence to yell “I’m back bitches” which made everyone else laugh. This is really over. I walk into the same room where the procedure was. I immediately flashback to my experience the time before. I hesitate before I am able to climb back onto the same bed. The ultrasound confirmed that my uterus was empty. This is really over. But was it really over? I think about the what ifs everyday. What if it ruined our relationship. What if I would’ve been more careful. What if we would’ve kept it.

Another stinger, “you already didn’t want to have my child.” These really are painful to me. I propose we take some time off to breath. We talked through it and move on. It’s probably just the distance, the situation, the COVID quarantine. That’s what has us short fused. The plus to quarantine is more interaction. More communication and also more time to think and reflect. I realize how upset I am and how insecure I’ve become. Sometimes valid insecurities and some not so valid. I put on weight. My hips got wider. My small breast got smaller. I think back to him not wanting to have sex the last time he was here. I think back to our conversations become a chore. All these insecurities weigh on me and in turn on our relationship. We commit to dates and things to make our LDR more exciting. We talk about anniversaries. I think about us being together. Living together, eventually. I decide that will get engaged eventually get married on September 16, our kids birthday, as a special memory for us.

These large scale arguments are coming more frequently. We end up in a heated text argument at five in the morning. He reveals that he felt rejected. I never thought of that. I immediately tried to reassure him that that’s not the case. I never tell him I planned our family out time and time again and I enjoy being partners and I’d eventually enjoy being parents with him. We make up, minor fussing.

I finally move the ultrasound from the same spot it was when he put it down that night. He was the last one to look at our child’s picture. It’s forever a part of me and I make a mental note that I want to find a special way to remember it.

After reflecting on his feeling of rejection, I realize his hurt and my hurt were similar but unique and there was not one way for us to cope together. Yet I had been upset with him for not coping how I wanted him to cope.

For the first time in months I saw the signs of a distant period. It was like the first time all over again. I didn’t know what to expect, what products to use, my hormones were crazy and it was a reminder of my journey over the the last three months. Quarantine gave me all the time to think. I tried washing TV to keep my crazy hormonal mind occupied but all the families and babies made it worse. I was grateful that I was not pregnant during this confusion, scared and alone alone. But also scared of the future and not seeing him soon or again. Not knowing when this would end.

After more words and heated text messages, we realized we weren’t happy with the current situation and maybe better apart. We ignored each other for days. I called him because I missed his voice. It was also the first day of what would’ve been our second trimester. The day when morning sickness would end and the dangers of the first trimester would pass and we could make the announcement to everyone. Coincidently, such a joyous occasion was spent in a cold conversation about if and when and where and why this relationship could or should maybe would resume or continue or end or evolve.

Abortion is tough. It’s a lot to deal with every day forever. My biggest fear was losing my identity along with my freedom and my man. All I wanted was to be crazy in love, young wild love, excited for adventures and growing into a lasting relationship. I never signed up for the most emotionally taxing experience of my life.

Abortion is tough. If I knew then what I knew now would I have had one? Would I have kept it? Who knows. There is no one answer that fits for everyone. It’s not easy in any capacity, in any aspect in any way shape or form. I’m 100% sure I would’ve been more careful. I would have reached out for emotional support way sooner and realized that this wasn’t something that I could endure in silence. And I 200% would’ve love my man that much more for standing beside me picking me up and supporting me through a situation that neither of us knew the ramifications of.

Abortion is tough. Remember you are not alone. It is a badge of honor to take charge of your future. It is not a cloak of shame.

[awol-newt]

welp.

do you ever wonder why the fuck some people can deposit checks for $164k and not blink? money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure makes being happy a lot easier when you aren’t thinking about bills.

sometimes people suck. a woman asked if knew how to copy something so i could help one of the bankers out. somebody asked why i couldn’t remember her name despite me only seeing her once every couple months and never really talking-talking and actually having a million other clients. somebody said, i don’t think a teller can help me. i need to see somebody with a desk. (sure. let me grab my tablet. my desk is the one in the corner with the plant, a picture of me with my girlfriend and cat, and all the desk toys. i’ll be right over.) another person said, i’ll ask the manager [about an obscure online banking thing that even i now little about but have given you my 98% sure answer] instead.

friends. i’m rambling and ranting to you because i am sad and have terrible coping mechanisms. but also because i want to complain about my job.

i work at a large financial institution. i have worked there for 14 months. the district manager didn’t want to hire me but my manager fought for me. in those fourteen months i have:

earned two certifications, one in anti-money laundering and bank secrecy act compliance and one in fraud prevention. two certifications not required for my role.

had my transaction authority (how much cash i can give out or how large of checks i can write without consulting somebody else with a higher authority) increased from $2,500 to $50,000

given wire transfer authority (huuuuge risk if you fuck up)

given official backup management authority by my manager and market operations (compliance) analyst

more or less filled the role of assistant manager (a role which no longer exists across the board)

volunteered to join a specific group of people dedicated to reaching out to clients for at least three hours a week

invited to a special counsel to provide thoughtful questions and advice to my district manager

asked to join the committee to help plan the company’s 2020 participation in pride

nominated to travel to another state to help open new locations because of my dedication and knowledge of company resources and professional development

told by the regional manager to stay in touch throughout my career after following up with a role-related meeting (see fifty or sixty some people where i was memorable)

impressed pretty much everybody who i’ve ever worked with

i still am paid at the lower end of my possible pay scale. i am still considered the entry level position despite having privileges that folks with five years of experience don’t have. i am the person that several private wealth (investable assets greater than $100k) turn to when they need something because i am efficient and competent.

i sent an international wire transfer today. we usually ask for 45 minutes to an hour to allot towards the process because there are a lot of steps. my client asked how long it would take and i said i could have her free before her next appointment in forty minutes. what i didn’t tell her is that i am confident in my ability to do an international wire in 25 minutes or less. i sent the wire. then we had time for me to figure out how to fix her paypal account linked to the bank.

she said she would come back to me next time she needed help.

she isn’t the only person.

i have a great manager inasmuch as she trusts me to do my own thing and gives me the time to work on my development if i ask for it. she is terrible at coaching. kind of terrible at advocating for me. she’s the manager who will be a good friend after i exit my current position whenever that may be.

i have an incompetent white man who should have retired five years ago as my colleague. he clings to old systems and old guidelines and for the life of him can never remember how to do anything or figure out anything on his own despite having nineteen years tenure more than me. it takes him two hours to send an international wire and he still makes mistakes.

i am trying to remove myself from a customer-facing role. i’ve been a top contender for roles to which i’ve applied internally. i have had recruiters at other institutions reach out to me. i have a mentor who advocates for me for requisitions that require several more years of official experience than i possess.

but i am still stuck. i’m stuck in a way that makes me feel like my life is in limbo even though i am ready to try to begin the next stage with the person i love, which is on hold for a number of reasons.

my life felt like it was imploding two years ago and then i found tumblr and fandom and friends again. there was support and stability in my life again. i got a job with insurance so i didn’t have to pay $400 for the medications that were keeping me from drowning. i met my person. i stopped having as many down days and started feeling productive and accomplished again and like i wasn’t the complete failure i felt like when i withdrew from my phd program.

i really, really fucking wanted this job in denver. not just because of the 50% pay increase but because it was a chance to start laying down roots in a place that could be long-term home. a place where i might actually begin to build a family of my own. the possibility signaled the light at the end of the tunnel for my ldr. a chance for me to prove and show so much more professionally and personally.

i was devastated. i am devastated. not necessarily because i didn’t get the position but because of what getting that position could have offered. might have promised.

and now shit’s just fucked and i’m stressed because Life.

my job is pissing me off. my handful of clients that know me, who only want to work with me, are my job’s saving grace. helping them (and other people who don’t yell at me) is why i find my job bearable even if i want to jump off a cliff every time my ancient colleague speaks or somebody assumes he knows more than me because he’s an old white guy in a suit rather than me, a baby-faced, non-binary queer who has tattoos but still wears ties to work.

i am just tired.

i am tired, friends.

and now i guess i am going to curl up in bed with my plushie baby stitch and play hooky through tomorrow because i am stressed and sleep deprived and sad and tired.

sorry to dump. and sorry to all the folks out there who have it worse than me. fwp.

sorry. all the sorry’s.

[xandiebean]

It's 5 am

I don't really know what to say... I just have tumblr to see my gf's memes and sometimes I use it....uhhhhhh it's like 5.30 am and I've got things on my mind and I thought I'd share them here bc.... Idk I've got nothing better to do. I also want to do this for myself to selfreflect later on. So here we go...

I've been in 2 relationships: the one I'm currently in, and one that started about 2 years ago around this time. That relationship was a ldr and I was already stupid for thinking this was a good idea. But I went with it. Btw this girl was from NZ and she had the NZ/Aus accent which was honestly really cool. It's why I picked up a few things from her and still use them to this day. Things like saying "zed" and using words like "colour". People around me would always make fun of me and I don't blame them. It's kinda funny to me too but also has a past to it. Anyways being in a ldr is...hard (obviously) you want to see them so much, you want to find a way to see them. You want to talk with them as much as you can. At the time, I didn't really have a life so I stayed all night long just chatting with her for nights on end. But dealing with her 6hrs behind and during the summer 8hrs behind was a real pain... And it sucked bc sometimes it felt that she wasn't trying to keep up with me...regardless I still kept going. We dated for about 6 months and for about the first 4 months, I ignored all the inconveniences that kept coming between us. And then she lied to me and I started to see things were falling apart. I tried to save the relationship by being the best person I could be to her, but sometimes she would do things that would make me a not so good person. I soon learned that she had trust issues. Honestly, I had no idea what that meant at first but then I saw that she was just not as comfortable around me as I thought. This was because of a past incident in her past that she grew these trust issues. I couldn't blame her and I told her that I would do anything in my power to help her heal with these trust issues. I wanted to help the person I loved at the time. Even though I dealt with all the pain of her not trusting me, and not wanting to even video chat, I still held on. I still had hope. I still wanted to make it so that I could see her in person. I had plans to make it to NZ and they were going really well. If I was still trying to make it to NZ I would be nearly there. But things got worse...she lied to me a few more times, her internet got worse which is so crucial for a ldr to function, and knowing that I could never send her anything through the mail, it hurt me. Things gradually started to fall apart. For this relationship I put aside everything. My health, my friends, my family all so I could make this one person happy. I was falling apart. And I knew she cared about me, but her own demons would prevent her from showing that to the fullest with the help of other inconveniences. It was time to cut it off. And so I did. I was heartbroken, she was heartbroken, we both needed to heal after the 6 months of being together.

I've never been in a breakup, I didn't know what to expect. Obviously I knew that I wasn't just going to get over it. During the breakup period I still talked to her. I still had things to say to her. We still wanted to remain friends since we already knew alot about each other. And somewhere deep down I know we both wanted to get back together but just couldn't. During the relationship, we did intentional "breaks" so we could have our own space and to also speak to each other as if we weren't lovers, just friends. But this break was permanent and we both knew it. I found myself being angry and depressed. I would ask things like "why would she just do those things to me. Why couldn't she be more accepting than she was. Was I not good enough?" My mind spiraled that sent me to a 1 year major depressive period. (I was already depressed before for about 4 more years but this depression was more amplified) I didn't know what to feel. Slowly me her stopped talking less and less. We began the healing process which was also accompanied with depression. On occasion I would see her status online and see that she isn't doing so well...so as someone that knows quite a bit about her and cares about her, I wanted to help. "Even though our relationship broke me down, I still want to make sure you're OK bc I care about you." I constantly told myself that whenever I tried to help. I tried a few times, but she would never budge. I stopped trying after a while and slowly stopped talking to her once again. A year goes by and I'm actually doing really well. I got accepted into college, i was moving away (which is something I've always wanted), and I was already making friends to the college that I was going to. (hint hint this is where I met my current gf). I was really happy. And then one day, I got a message from... Her (I'm now realizing that i never gave her a name). I didn't know what to say. She congratulated me on getting accepted into college. I ignored it. A few hours later she replied with this long text saying how she was really thankful for being with her during our relationship and also asked if she wanted to be friends with me. The first emotion I felt after reading that was just rage. I was so mad. "why would she just come back, don't you know what you did to me..?" Thoughts like just kept coming. I tried to think rationally. I took a shower and replied. Tl;dr we both talked about our breakup and healing process. Turns out she "missed having me around". I did too to be quite honest, but at the time, I've already come to accept that she was just a thing of that past. I wasn't worried about it anymore. She wanted to be friends with me again. I was reluctant at first, but agreed. We started talking again, for a good few days. On that last day, I realized that, she didn't heal well. I realized that if she still misses me and wants to have me around then... She hasn't healed from the relationship. I told her to think about this and she agreed. I told her that I could still be friends with her if she wanted but she opted not to. I wasn't crushed, I was just dissapointed. I understood why she decided against it and I don't hate her for that. After that, I only became more worried of her again. I knew what she was going through and I saw that at time, she was in a bad spot and I wanted to help. But just like before, she didn't want my help. I became furious which is something I regret. I told her that if she wants me to stop asking if she's OK, to then block me. So... She did. On all platforms. I could still see that she's still was in a bad spot but I just couldn't say anything about it which pained me. I still wanted her to be OK even if we weren't on the best terms. Fast forward to now and I haven't talked to her in about 6 months. I can still see her status. Sometimes it's a positive one and I'm really happy for her, and sometimes it's really negative and it makes me want to run to help but I can't.

Currently, I'm dating someone else. Someone I could see. Someone amazing. Someone that makes me feel at home whenever I'm around her. She doesn't know much about this past of mine and I don't know if she ever will. She might read this but I honestly doubt it. I'm happy where I am now. Sometimes I do want to find a way to talk to my ex to ask if she's doing OK from time to time, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. Its currently 6 am and I woke up at 4 because of a silly thing. I guess I still have this thing on my mind even after all that time. I hope she's doing OK.

[relaxandlaughatyourself]

Recap of Dem and Ika’s IG Lives November 27, 2018

They did two lives totaling just under two hours (she started one before but no one could get in). They were laughing and joking the entire time. They were just happy. Talked about what it was like on the roadtrip as well as the first three days he was there (spoiler alert: hell). But just overall loving and full of light.

She’s answering questions while doing her makeup; she has somewhere to go.

Always gets asked about starting a youtube channel. She says she was nervous to start one because she would google what you need to be successful and she didn’t have any of the fancy stuff. But you don’t really need that... at the start they filmed a lot of their videos on their phone and we still watched. So just go for it.

Someone asked if the kids will be in videos. Made the conscious decision not to put them in the youtube videos, they will be in and out, but not a focus. She’s not sure if she’s ready to expose them to that yet. They’re older and have access and that’s scarier for her. She says they’re always around, but just not always shown; she understands why people ask.

How do you handle negativity online? Easier than handling negativity in real life. After bbcan2 she developed a thicker skin and she’s grown to understand the positive outweighs the negative, and it’s not healthy to focus on the small group of negative people plus is insulting to those who are sending positivity but not getting responses. But you need to know who you are as a person or it will affect you more. She knows a lot of what people are saying is not true, and now it doesn’t bother her much. You have to also be comfortable with just putting yourself out there online because when you do, you’re going to get everything.

How do you handle negativity in real life? She went through a hard time with that recently, and she had to look at the bigger picture. She realized that when it boils down to it, those people play a very small role in her life, and she couldn’t let those people affect her majorly. She had to put it into perspective. If the person has to be in your life, minimize the amount of time that that person is in your life so they’re still not a big part of your life. “You shouldn’t allow someone to be in your life if they make you feel that.” If someone makes you feel that small, their role in your life should be that small. She knows that sometimes your problems can seem bigger when you don’t have too many things going on in your life. That’s what was happening with her; her life wasn’t filled with things she was enjoying at the time, so the negativity was filling her time and it was easily to focus on it. Fill your life with things you enjoy.

Ika: “What?! Why are you lurking?” Dem is there. He was watching her live in the other room but there was a little delay so he’s just going to watch the live live.

She asks Dem if he has any advice for people who have negative people in their life. Dem: “Buy the creams.” She sends him back to the couch.

For an example, she said Rashaud is having a tough time at school with some kids; he grew up in Thornhill, which is predominantly white. For high school he goes to a school that is more diverse, but he is shy and has a hard time making friends and the black kids are picking on him for the way he talks, dresses, etc. She was shocked and never thought about her kids talking or acting one way or the other. She doesn’t have any good advice for that.

Dem wants to make a protein shake and make noise. “He’s serious about that gym life and his little protein shake.”

Gary is in the chat saying her hair is long again. “I know! I need to switch it up for Demetres.”

Relationship advice? She says she gets a lot of messages telling her to be nicer to him. Dem, joking: “That’s good advice.” Ika says they have a really playful relationship and it works, says no one is going to tell her what to do for her relationship. She says they are sweet and nice to each other, but they do have a relationship with joking. Ika: “I’m not going to just do a live and makeout with Demetres. We do that behind closed doors when no one is looking.”

They don’t listen to any one, only take little advice, but they don’t listen to anyone but themselves. The number one advice she can give you is to not take the advice of others. What works for others isn’t going to work for you, every relationship is completely different. Just work toward your own vision of what you want your relationship to look like. There’s no relationship she wants all of.

Dem is on a phone call talking about real estate stuff and such so she wants to be quieter.

She says if someone is giving you relationship advice, it needs to be given to both of you at the same time because you are a team. She doesn’t understand why women watch Dr. Phil alone, their partner needs to be there for the message too. If she watches something by herself, she makes Dem watch it later, or they’ll watch clips together.

How to keep your relationship from not being boring, especially if you don’t have a lot of money? Her and Dem like to find recipies, cook together, eat together and watch a movie. Or they find a new restaurant and try that. Ika says if she goes somewhere and doesn’t eat, it’s not a full experience.

She adds Gary but tells him he has to be quiet. Gary: “Why would you add me? Wait until Demetres is done.” Ika went to ask Dem how long he would be and he apparently gave her the hand.

Gary says he doesn’t feel well, wish him well.

Gary: “Where’s Demetres? I want to say hi. Tell him I say hi.”

Dem is off the call and both Ika and Gary scream.

Gary wants to say hi to Dem before he goes, so Ika goes to get him: “Hi!! I love you! Tell Ika to give me her new number.” (they think he has her number.)

The event last night. The place was called Coofee, Oysters, Champagne (COC). There’s a password and they take you to a secret entrance and elevator, they pull a wine bottle and a door opens. But you’re not allowed to record in the secret room. Ika calls the vibe mobster, Dem says a 20s, prohibition theme. Ika says there were strippers, apparently one caught on fire.

What’s the next step for her and Dem? Dem says this is it! Ika says this is their first Christmas together. But Dem isn’t a Christmas person. Dem: “More people at the mall. Music sucks. Cookies make you fat. I’m like the Grinch, sorry, dear.”

What have Dem learned this year? “I’ve learned a lot, I just can’t put it into words.”

Dem is getting into systems, he wants to put systems in place for everything. He wants a place for everything.

Ika says she wants to film a video of transitioning from an LDR to living together. She says there is a… Dem: “phase”. No one told her about this phase. Dem: “Don’t pretend you’re the only victim of the phase.” Ika says he always cleaned up her mess in Edmonton and he trained her to think that he would, that’s why the bathroom is still messy. Neither one knew Dem was OCD. Ika: “There’s a phase you have to go through to get past that and then be good.” She says you can’t ignore it, you have to talk about it, they had to talk about it.

Ika says she is a morning person, Dem says she gets up early, goes on her phone and blares her shows, but he’s trained himself to sleep through it, but this morning he couldn’t and it was like 530am. Ika wants to start her day right, be around happy; says when Dem wakes up he’s in a strange mood then works his way out of it. When he moved in, she was waking up in the mornings and Dem would wake up and set this sour vibe and it drove her insane, she wanted to avoid him. “I would take Elijah to school by myself, that’s how bad it was.” The Dem said “I moved here for you, it’s going to take time for me…” Ika said that happened on day 3, “it was 72 hours!” Dem says he was living out of a duffel bag, working on transferring everything to Ontario, they had had the flu, and she wanted him to be happy. Dem: “This was a month ago!” Ika: “That first three days was hell.”

She says he would be like “I just want you to help me through this time and be there for me.” Ika: “It was 72 hours!” And he would wake up in a bad mood, “he’d say ‘here we go again.’” She says there is a hump you have to get over.

She says in Edmonton he didn’t care about the bathroom, but now he does. Dem: “Getting to the sink is like Operation. Could be avoided with systems!” Ika: “This is the first time I’ve heard this word – systems. He’s reading books now.”

Dem is a workaholic – he got emails he has to answer so he leaves – the first day he took his test, the second day he got his criminal background check, and the third day he was meeting with brokerages. He was working the first three days, but “he had the nerve to complain about he’s not doing anything, he’s losing money, he was acting like he was a bum.” She says he calculated how much money he wasn’t making. Dem: “It’s systems, you have to know your ROI.” He drove her crazy the first three days because he was having a breakdown. “It’s a transitional phase and it was hard for me!” He’s laughing about it. Ika: “He knew he was moving. He knew this.” He starts to walk away and she grabs him by the shirt, “I’m sorry honey bunches, did I stretch it out?” They smile and kiss. Ika says he didn’t need to be doing all of that so quickly – they got in at 10pm and the next morning at 9am he was taking his test.

Dem’s side: “Now imagine if you had a boyfriend sitting on the couch playing xbox. You want a boyfriend who is a go getter. It could be worse.”

Ika: “He said that he moved here for me – you moved here for us!”

Dem gives a background story: “I lived in Alberta my whole life, Ika thought it would be a seamless move.” Ika says in the movies it looks so nice and easy. Dem: “It’s called acting.”

Dem: “I was living out of a duffel bag for three weeks!” Ika: “You were living out of a duffel bad for three months in the house!” Dem: “It was a big duffel bag!”

On the way to Toronto, “that was three days of hell too because we were sick”, Ika says when she gets sick she becomes an old woman who needs to be taken care of. Dem: “An 86 year old woman.” Ika says she told Dem this and he thought it was cute until it happened. They were both sick and they were at the hotel, and she was complaining because he wouldn’t do anything for her. He went to Walmart with bananas, Nyquil, apple sauce and toast. Ika wanted soup, but Dem googled it and that’s what you’re supposed to eat with the flu. She wouldn’t eat because she was upset, she was crying. He told her to drink the Nyquil but she wouldn’t; he went to take a shower and she drank the Nyquil and ate the apple sauce. After the shower he begged her to drink the Nyquil, she wouldn’t tell him she already did. He found out she did actually drink the Nyquil when they were at her friends and she was telling the story.

Dem says the story has a couple things missing. He says they were both pretty much dead. He asked her what would make her feel better, and she said nothing. Ika said nothing because he didn’t take care of her all day. So he googled what to get. Dem felt so bad at Walmart he had to sit down in the bread aisle. The Nyquil was on the other side of the store and he felt so sick he left the basket by the bread. Then he went back to the hotel and she did what she said. Dem: “I feel like a weight was listed off my shoulders! That was therapeutic. You guys are our couples therapy.” Ika: “It wasn’t my finest hour.”

Ika says that she had to leave Jamaica, leave her family and friends, “I left a whole country, not a province like this one. And he’s complaining! How do you want me to understand? Get over it! I’m not going to feel bad for something you wanted to do.” They’re laughing throughout. Dem: “it’s not easy. I had a lot of friends.” Ika: “And I was understanding until those three days. You interrupted my morning.” Dem: “For three days. My morning routine was also disrupted when I moved here.”

Ika: “There is a transition period and your life will be hell. I didn’t do anything.” Dem: “When she says she didn’t do anything, you know she did something.” Dem: “It was a team effort, the three days.”

Ika says one huge difference between her and Dem is she will pay for convenience. She says if it’s cold she will pay more to park closer, whereas Dem will save the money to park farther away. Dem says he drops her off – Ika: “We just came up with that! You’re lying!” Dem says he will do the math for her on what they save parking farther away. Ika: “Of course he’s going to do the math!” Dem says when it’s nice she can walk, “we can enjoy a walk together.” Ika: “I’m in heels! I would wore stroll shoes!” Dem: “Isn’t it part of the date to walk around…” Ika: “Not if you want to look cute and are in heels! To be a gentleman you don’t make a girl walk two blocks in heels.” Dem: “Never again. Next time I’ll carry you, I have to the wine bar.” Ika: “That was one time and it was after.”

He says they go downtown three times a week and that’s $30 a week to park closer, which he does the math and is $1500 a year, “I’d rather go on vacation. To Mexico.” Ika: “ But you’re not taking me to Mexico with that $1500, so we’re parking closer!” Dem: “When we get our place with two bathrooms you’re going to wonder how it happened. It’s because your boyfriend was smart and parked farther away.”

Ika: “And now he’s turned the kids against me.” Dem: “Yeah, they’re on my side!”

She says people always ask her for a Demetres, “Look at her story, she’s just lying because she doesn’t want people in my DMs. She’s like a goalie in front of my inbox.”

Ika: “I have a good boyfriend, we have a good relationship. Obviously he’s an amazing boyfriend, but I’m not putting it on social media. He’s gonna make you walk in heels, bring you to McDonalds. I’m not going to lie, he’s a really good boyfriend. But I’m not going to throw that in people’s faces. I’m not that kind of person. My friends don’t even know what he does for me.”

Ika: “You love me, you love.” she coos as she rubs his face. Dem: “You’re lucky you’re pretty.”

Ika says that she’s going to hear about the cost of gas to drop her off then drive to the farther parking lot. But Dem says it’s worth saving the money on parking so it’s okay.

She says she’s tired and asks him to help with her makeup. She hugs him and leans against his chest while he takes a brush and puts it across her face. But when he starts touching the eyebrows she’s done.

“We love you. Keep your relationship sacred and safe from these hoes in these streets. As far as they know, your man does nothing for you.”

They say bye and end it.