#and I’ve had YF done for months now but I’m conflicted on whether to make posts for the previous installments bc I want a masterlist for it

[bloggong]

A short reflection on my current predicament (aka F.R.I.E.N.D.S)

Good evening Brothers and Sisters,

Hope this blog post finds you well, that yall are keeping in good health, and that everyone is remaining suitably socially distanced. 

For context, I am cataloguing my thoughts via this post, because I’m not fully sure of what to think now. By God’s grace in due time I’ll be able to look back on this period with a much clearer head.  Life has always been split into various chunks/phases. When you are a child, these phases are clearly defined, whether it be by your parents, your country’s education system, or your religion. Days are neatly carved into slots of time where you engage in various pre-determined activities. These days molt into weeks, which collapse into months, and when all is said and done, years fly by quicker than anyone can count.  For me, life was always sectioned off by where I was in school. Primary school to Secondary school to IB; ACS Primary to ACS Independent (express) to ACS Independent (IP) to Year 5 and 6 of IB. While there were definitely some trying moments, I knew where to go everyday. Every groggy morning brought with it the expectation of the deadlines that weighed heavy on my shoulders, yet I knew I had to head to school, namely 121 Dover Road, to attend yet another day of lessons.  After completing the IB exams last year, even as I had around a month of free time pre-enlistment, I knew what I was to do with my time. I spent time completing essays for University applications, hanging out with treasured friends, planning for YF ‘camp’ 2020, and watching a copious amount of youtube. 

Funnily enough, as a male, I have the privilege of being provided a 2-year-long mandatory gap year in the form of NS. Even here, I know the place where I must go (emphasis on the must). The point being, even now, society has carved out a place for me. 

Yet, when I look at my friends, especially those going into University, or others who don’t serve NS, I quickly realize that soon, we will be adults. As I scramble around in NS, as they work on Uni apps or at their part-time jobs, we are gradually being matriculated into society as graduates of Singapore’s education system. And to be honest, I’m worried. I’m afraid, of the future, of what is to come, of how I am to live both in NS, in University, and in the working world.  More than that, and to finally get to the crux of this post, I worry I will lose my friends. Over the break post-IB, I really developed many treasured friendships, friendships that I really pray will last a long time. Yet, after entering NS, when time is so scarce, the 48 hours separating bookout and bookin oftentimes not even being afforded to me, I realize that in scheduling my weekends around meeting friends and family, I am, to some degree, being very selfish.  And so I worry, I fear that I am being too clingy to the people I care about. That in wanting to meet them on the weekends when I bookout, I am depriving them of time they want to spend somewhere else. That in their niceness, I am inevitably pushing them away.  So I don’t know.

Right now, I’m just mired in this place of confusion. Of conflict over whether I should push ahead and spend time with them anyway, and risk annoying them, or keep a healthy distance.  And after much thought, I’ve decided that while I can’t predict the future, even as I desire to spend more time with this treasured group of friends who I hold dear, I have to be okay with things changing.  Even as the nostalgia saturates the many memories I’ve made with them over the past year, particularly over the last 2 months, things will inevitably change. Whether we grow closer or grow apart, I can’t be too sure. While I really do not wish for anything to change, and I try my best to grip hold of these invaluable, God-honoring friendships, I am too weak to be in control of these things. In truth, all men and women are too weak to be able to grasp relationships and chart their course in the desired direction. Rn, I’m just in a state of being torn apart by my longing to spend more time with these friends, and having a need to acknowledge that I cannot forsee whether these friendships will last. So brothers and sisters, pray for me. Pray that I will have faith in Him, in the Father’s loving kindness, that by His grace, if it is His will, I will keep in close contact with these dear friends. More than this however, that I will treasure and prize His glory above all. That if I grow apart from these dear friends, that I know it is for His name’s sake, and that I will continue to serve Him as an undeserving wretch raising up filthy rags to a Holy, all-consuming, praise-worthy King. Pray for me as well that I will be given a desire to read His word, to grow in my knowledge and understanding of the Lord even as I continue in BMT and NS. I fear that my hunger to praise God has been numbed by the overwhelming schedule of my days in NS, so I pray that in His love, the spirit will again give me a fire for understanding and growing in faith, both for my sake and for the growth of my cell in the YF as well, such that we may all grow in a manner glorifying to Him. Truly, friendships and family may taste sweet, but all is comparably bitter in regard to knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Thanks yous (and PS; a short aside to the OG chingus shoutout to “lame + dudu is cute uwu”: if yall are reading this, thank you for the many treasured memories, beginning from mid-2018 till now. Thank you! I treasure you! And even if we can’t make time for each other and things get busier, no worries! Even as I want to spend time with yall, school and work and many other things will surely come into play. I will make time for yall, but by no means is this promise something I can fulfill by my weak hands, only sustained by sovereign grace. So even as I will continue to make time, please settle the things you need to do first. If yall feel a break is in order, then let me know and we shall go with that. But please please know this! While I treasure the time I spend with yall very very much, the busier life gets, the harder it will be to meet. Schedules will conflict, timings will overlap, our paths might not cross as often. Ultimately though, I pray that we can continue to remain close, and know that even if we can’t meet IRL, when you are happy, then I am also. I hope you don’t find my beta-ness too overbearing at times, but thank you for this relationship that has taught me so much about myself, about yall, and about the Father’s mercies. Priorities will shift and things will change, but I pray we continue to honor the Father above all things, and seek for His will to be accomplished by broken vessels like ourselves by His grace and mercy. Thank you.) John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this, that a person will lay down his life for his friends. Signing off for now as a sad NS boy and a redeemed sinner about to re-enter Tekong -Gong

9:01pm

24 January 2020