#and a bit of memory lane to middle school science classes

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Come Hell or Helwater - Part Sixteen

Claire comes back to the past with Brianna and arrives at Helwater looking for Jamie—but must confront the Dunsanys first.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, Part Fourteen, Part Fifteen

This installment is kind of inspired by and therefore dedicated to all the parents out there who have been put into the position of homeschooling their children due to current circumstances. ~ Mod Lenny

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With Lady Isobel gone to stay with her sister, Brianna’s education fell back to Claire and Jamie. 

At first, Claire worked with Brianna during the day while Jamie was busy with the horses. She reviewed mathematics and gave Brianna some problems to solve before changing their attention to science. Even if Brianna hadn’t requested it, Claire would have insisted upon teaching her daughter as much 20th century science as she could. 

When Jamie returned for lunch and dinner, Brianna would tell him about what she had learned and then in the evenings, he would work with her on languages, reading and classical history. 

Brianna and Claire played a game when Jamie wasn’t around where she would toss out a historical event and Brianna had to guess whether or not it had happened yet. Once, Brianna asked about changing history and whether it was possible. Claire offered an abridged account of her own attempts at changing things with Jamie’s help.

“Perhaps it was only that we tried to change an event that was too large,” Claire admitted with a shrug. “There were too many forces pushing it to happen and we couldn’t stop enough of them. Perhaps, if we’d tried with something smaller and more insignificant, we would have succeeded and eventually its consequences would have snowballed into larger changes decades from now. Or perhaps it isn’t possible at all.”

“Maybe the things you could change of the ones that don’t make it into history books at all,” Brianna guessed. “Then you wouldn’t know if you were changing anything or not.”

“Maybe,” Claire agreed with a smile. 

But while Jamie would probably have happily skipped learning the history-yet-to-come that fueled their game, his curiosity got the better of him when it came to Brianna recounting what Claire was teaching her of science. 

“And why are ye growin’ mold on bread?” Jamie asked, turning from Brianna to Claire. But Brianna answered. 

“There’s a special kind that squirts out stuff that keeps you from getting sick,” she explained, causing Claire to laugh and Jamie to quirk an eyebrow.

“Lord John has agreed to help me acquire a microscope,” Claire told him. “And if it works well enough, I should be able to find — or at least try to find — the strain that secretes what will one day be called penicillin. It’s an antibiotic that can help prevent and cure infection.”

“The wee bit of mold will do all that?” he asked in wonderment. 

Claire smiled, carrying a plate with freshly cut (and mold free) bread to put on the table before him. She stayed standing behind him, resting her hands on his shoulders and leaning in close to add, “And it’s a Scot who’ll discover it. In about a hundred and fifty years’ time.” She kissed his cheek and gave him a pat on the back before moving to take her own seat and dig into the meal.

“And you plan to find it and… use it?”

“Of course. I’ll need to fashion some kind of hypodermic needle eventually, but an oral administration is better than nothing. The acid in the stomach breaks it down a bit so its effects aren’t as fast or strong,” she rambled. 

Jamie sat nodding, watching her as he chewed. 

“When did you say Lord John would send you the microscope?” Brianna asked around a full mouth. 

Claire frowned at her and swallowed her own mouthful before replying, “Within the month. I’m hoping it will be closer to a fortnight but either way, it doesn’t hurt to start a few cultures so I have something to try right away. As soon as it arrives, we’ll go around collecting samples we can use to calibrate the microscope. Trough water, goat’s milk… we’ll see if we can find some algae on the rocks in the stream and maybe some plant spores or flower pollen…”

“I can bring ye some of the muck from the stalls if that would be of interest to ye,” Jamie offered. 

Claire beamed while Brianna grimaced at the thought. Jamie laughed, joined by Claire when she saw Brianna’s disgusted expression (only some of which was about Jamie’s offer and the rest by her mother’s obvious intention to take him up on it). 

“I cannae wait to see what ye find wi’ the microscope,” he said with excitement. 

********************************************************

The microscope arrived from Lord John about three weeks later, when Brianna’s frustration at its delay had begun to negatively affect her attitude (and Jamie and Claire’s by extension). 

It arrived while Jamie was busy at the stables. When he returned to their small cottage for his midday meal, he instead found Claire bent over the table setting it up and Brianna hovering like a butterfly, too excited to land anywhere for long. 

“Shall I fetch something from Cook in the kitchen then?” he asked, announcing his entrance. 

“Would you?” Claire asked gratefully, adjusting a mirror and inching a candle (burned to a low nub) closer. “I’ve got it nearly there… I don’t want to move it to lay anything out yet.”

“Bree,” Jamie jerked his head back toward the door. “Come help me carry it.” 

“You don’t need help carrying anything from the kitchen,” she whined. “I wanna stay and look through the microscope when Mama’s got it ready.”

“She’s like to have it ready by the time we return and we can find something from Cook tha’s worth a keek through the microscope,” he assured her, heading into the room and herding her out of the cottage. 

He glanced to Claire as he reached to close the door behind them. She was watching him leave mouthing, “thank you,” and smiling. It warmed him through, easing the tired tension in his arms and back from his morning’s work. 

Brianna chattered away as they walked to and from the kitchens, fetching some bread, cheese, and cold meat left from Lord and Lady Dunsany’s meal. 

“Insist on the full spread though Lady Isobel’s away,” Cook muttered as she picked over the parcel she packed for them, retrieving stray bones she needed for making stock. 

Brianna carried the basket while Jamie carried some bottles with ale.

“I wonder if Mama will let us look at that under the microscope,” she mused, nodding to the bottles.

“I’d dinna ken as I want to see that just yet. If I’ve just had it to drink and the sight turns my stomach, I may see it in a still less flattering way… or if it would turn my stomach and I havena drunk it yet, then I’ll just go the day thirsty and I cannae do that wi’ an afternoon yet ahead of me,” he told her.

“Ugh, no. Nothing food or drink then for a while,” Brianna grimaced. 

Jamie chuckled, amazed at just how much the expression matched a common one of Claire’s. It was a constant wonder to watch and listen to Brianna. She was at once the embodiment of Claire, the mirror of himself, and yet something – or rather, someone – entirely her own. 

Claire didn’t look like she’d moved at all since they’d stepped out, but when she raised her head at their entrance her face was alight with triumph. 

“Care to take a look?” she asked Brianna. 

Jamie successfully grabbed the basket from her hands before Brianna could drop it or toss it aside in her haste. 

Claire gave him an apologetic look as she showed Brianna what to do and reminded her not to jar the table or the device. 

“Whoa… what is that?” Brianna gasped. 

“I had a vial on me the last time I went looking for mushrooms in the woods,” Claire explained. “There’s that shallow spot near the stream that’s basically a small stagnant pond. Since I had the vial and there was water in it, I thought I might as well take a sample.”

“Holy cow, they’re moving!”

Instincts startled into action by Brianna’s exclamation, Jamie darted to her side but Claire was grinning. 

“I know! I was worried anything alive in the sample would die before the microscope arrived. You’re looking at a paramecium. They live in the water and feed on bacteria, algae, that sort of thing.”

“I think it’s eating another one,” Brianna said with horror and panic in her voice. She looked to Jamie while Claire swept in to peek.

“It’s not eating the other one. It’s dividing. That’s how they reproduce,” she explained. 

Brianna looked again. “Da… you have to see this.” 

She backed away, offering him her spot. He looked to Claire with uncertainty, but she nodded and walked him through how he should adjust the scope to focus as he needed. She knew he found the right setting when she heard his quiet gasp. 

“And that wee thing lives in the water?” he asked carefully. 

“Not all water. But some microorganisms like this can make people ill. That’s why I always boil water for drinking and sterilize my medical instruments in boiling water. It kills the kinds of microbes that cause infection.” 

“So it’s one of yer germs, then… this paramecium…” 

“Not exactly. But it does eat some kinds of germs. I’m afraid this microscope isn’t strong enough to see the bacteria it feeds on. But it should do just fine for examining the molds to find the right one for penicillin,” she declared. 

“I’ll never again dip my hand to drink from a loch wi’out seein’ that wee thing in my mind’s eye,” Jamie said, sounding haunted and perhaps a bit queasy. 

“What’d you two fetch for lunch?” Claire asked, hungry now that success was achieved.

[stardustskz]

It Just Is

pairings: seungmin x reader

word count: 4.8k

warnings: mentions of anxiety, language, description loaded (i think?)

genre: fluff (?), angst

description: Han Jisung begged you to drive him to somewhere and you didn’t expect to see familiar faces that caused some of your ‘forbidden’ memories to resurface.

note: i don’t really know what this is but, it’ll be a waste to let it sit in my drafts forever. also, this may or may not have a second part

There are missing items in your life that you have longed to look for. The ocean blue cardigan that you used to wear frequently during seventh grade, which you don’t quite remember if you have misplaced it around the house or your mom already donated it somewhere else. That one decorative pen that you loved to use for your writings whether you take notes during class or cram your Petrarchan sonnet that is due the next day. The Minnie mouse keyring that your grade school best friend gave you as a present when their family visited Singapore that you valued a lot until one day it wasn’t hanging by the zipper of your backpack anymore. These things that you lost in a fraction of time without even knowing that they’ll be gone from your sight for the entirety of your life, they once became your comfort. The warmth of your cardigan whenever you’re cold from the harsh morning breeze on your way to your school. The grasp of that certain pen when you scribble your notes in a hurry before the teacher moves to the next slide of her presentation. The familiarity of seeing that pink dotted ribbon hanging on your backpack, indicating that it’s yours. They all have been a fabric of your being, a part of you. Well, that is until you lose them.

You scanned through the piles of paper on your desk, trying to find your sharpener to finally finish the title block of your plate. You mumbled a few series of curses as you glanced at the clock. It was already 9:51 in the evening and this plate that you’re currently doing is due at midnight. Screw your stupid alarm clock for not waking you up when you swore that you have set it at 1:00pm. You hurriedly sharpened your pencil a second after you found it underneath your history book as you heard an obnoxious knock from the door. You chose to ignore it and moments after, you hear it open following your brother’s annoying voice,

“Y/n!! Your plate looks wonderful!” 

“What do you want, Jisung?” you groaned in annoyance as you already know that certain tone of his.

“Help me get to Hyunjin’s tonight” Jisung answered which made you turn around from your drafting to face him.

“It’s the third party this week, don’t you have any other stuff to do?” you asked him with a hint of concern, but your tone failed you as it sounded like your usual nagging.

“Well, first of all, we’re of the same age, you don’t have to scold me,” you glared at him for his a-matter-of-fact answer.

“Second, I’m not an architecture student like you.” He then stuck his tongue out in an attempt to annoy you even more. 

“Well first of all, Han Jisung, that was so fucking mature of you,” you retorted mocking his dramatic voice and turning your head again to your desk before continuing,

“Second, I won’t help you–” 

“Yeah? Then I’ll tell mom that you haven’t been doing the dishes for two nights now.�� And that made you turn your gaze again to your brother who grinned as he successfully caught your attention, again.

“Screw you, we had a deal.” You told him as you faced your plate again, Han fucking Jisung can wait.

“Wait until I finish my plate then I’ll drive you there.” You heard Jisung celebrate in joy as he lied flat on your bed, patiently waiting for you to finish.

You see, even though you are twins and you practically share the same birthday, you grew up owning the title of being born a minute earlier than Jisung. This resulted in your parents seeing you as the more responsible one than your twin. It added up to the fact that you and Jisung are polar opposites when it came to your personalities. Let’s just say that he’s the more outgoing one and you’re more of the type to lock yourself up in your room all day. 

“Is it a huge party?” you asked Jisung from the passenger seat of your mom’s beloved mini van that was now yours to drive around. 

“Not really, it’s just the inner circle this time” he said as you stopped for a red traffic light.

“I’ll just wait for you in the car then.” You answered him with a nod of understanding.

“No, that will be horrible y/n, why would you wait in the car? It’s cold.”

You looked at him meaningfully before turning your gaze at the road again as the traffic light already turned green. Jisung immediately got why you were stern on staying inside of the car instead of bonding with him and your circle of friends, well, some of them.

“What’s wrong with being with him in the same room? It’s not like you’ll be forced to talk to him.” He explained, his voice laced with concern and worry that you may be upset with him for having this conversation.

“I don’t know Jisung…” you mumbled as you turned to the right corner, finally entering the village where Hyunjin lives.

“You are good friends y/n” Jisung whispered, looking outside of the window as the car passed by the familiar set of houses that he remembers by heart.

“We were good friends, Jisung” you answered, already pulling up in front of Hwang's porch.

“Then what went wrong?”

What went wrong? That question rang in your head with the consistent wave of various emotions as you took notice of the person by the house’s entrance.

Ever since you were a kid, you’ve always had this poor memory skills. This is the reason why you often misplace your things that leads to losing them. However, there’s this one kid that helped you with that problem. 

It was during your fourth grade in middle school when you first met him. It was that one particular day that went totally wrong as you fought with your brother early in the morning  because he’s being an annoying little prick and woke you up yelling your name, which you hated a lot by the way, and your day got even more sour when your teacher passed the module of mathematical problems and you seem to have lost your pen, seeing to it that it wasn’t inside your mustard yellow pencil case. You know that you’re screwed specially when 15 minutes into answering the module, you still have no pen to write and solve with. Because first, it may sound miserable, but you have no friends and second, your pride stood still, refusing to talk to Jisung even when you clearly needed help.

The moment that your teacher left your classroom, a boy with a raven hair, chubby cheeks and a cute mole by his left chubbier cheek approached you,

“Hey, you can use my spare one.” He said. And who are you to refuse the kind offer? So, you accepted it and muttered a whisper of thank you before your teacher came back.

By the time that all of your classes were finished, you decided to return the pen to the said boy. You slowly approached him even before your brother had reached you, earning a confused look from Jisung.

“Uh, hey thank you for earlier and uh… here’s your pen.” Your nine-year-old introverted ass managed to say out loud.

“Oh y/n! You’re welcome!” to say that you were shocked was an understatement. How did he know your name when you don’t even talk to anyone in class besides your brother? And you also felt shy, and a bit guilty because you clearly don’t know his name.

“I’m sorry but, I don’t know your name.” you shyly said, head hanging low and fingers fidgeting with the straps of your backpack. But then you looked up when you heard soft giggles coming from the boy.

“It’s Seungmin! And no worries y/n,” nine-year-old Seungmin said.

“By the way, I’m coming by your place later to play video games with Jisung. You can join us if you’d like!”

And this was the start of it. You and Seungmin became inseparable. Maybe it’s because seungmin helped you by letting you borrow his pen and his kindness touched one of the strings inside your heart or maybe it was how cute his chubby cheeks are with the left one a bit larger than the right or maybe it was how he included you in every conversations when you were hanging out with them by your house’s living room just to play left4dead with your brother’s ps3. But you’ve grown to be the best of friends from then on. 

Every Saturday, you would alternately visit each other’s house studying your Sciences and Maths with the sides of playing video games and watching classic cartoons. Seungmin also helped with you misplacing things often. He suggested writing on a memo pad every single thing you wanted to remember later on, every day, but only those that are important. Seungmin is also quite observative with his surroundings. For he would always know that the pen you’re looking for is located between the locks of your hair which is tied in a bun and the scrunchie that you’re trying to find was inside your now amber pencil case that you love carrying around. You were so close that even both of your parents even tagged you as the ones who seem like twins than you and Jisung. 

Ever since you were a kid you’ve always had this poor memory skill and you still wonder until now the reason how and why you can’t forget everything about a certain Kim Seungmin when he seems to have forgotten every inch of your existence.

You heard a loud knock coming from the window of the passenger's seat which interrupted you from your short trip down to memory lane. You squint your eyes to recognize the person despite the dark and obsidian night clouding your vision. Recognizing it to be Hyunjin, you unlocked the car doors for him.

“Seungmin told me that he saw you here,” he started as he sat comfortably now by the passenger seat.

“and Jisung fell asleep in the middle of a movie” he continued. You sighed, expecting nothing much of your brother that shared the same trait as yours when it came to enduring long hours of sitting in front of a tv and just watching. 

“Can you help me bring him here?” You asked as you had an agreement with Jisung that you’ll both be home before sunrise. 

“Why don’t you stay the night y/n? I mean, not here. You can join us inside.” Hyunjin asked even though he already knew the answer.

“It’s my responsibility to bring him home, Hyunjin,” you said, immediately dismissing his suggestion.

“Besides, if mom and dad come home and we’re out of sight, then we’ll be dead as meat” Hyunjin scoffed at your reply making you question him in silence.

“Jisung already told me that your parents won’t be back for the next two days.” Oh. Well, shit.

“Come on, y/n, let’s get you inside. It’s cold out here.” All your hopes of going home with Jisung tonight was shattered as Hyunjin was already pulling you outside of your car, putting the sketchbook on your lap inside of your bag, which was lying in the backseat of your car, and dragging you towards their house.

“Y/n’s here!!” Hyunjin clearly made sure that everyone knew your presence inside the house. Your eyes immediately tried to find a sleeping figure of your brother by the cushion but he’s not there.

“Oh? y/n! I made your favorite snacks” and there he was, standing by the kitchen counter with a bowl of strawberries and melted chocolate in his hands. You glared at Hyunjin at this and the latter only apologetically looked at you and mouthed a ‘sorry’. Stuck in the situation, you only sighed as you took a seat in one of the couches as you heard how Hyunjin broke down to Jisung the details of how he managed to force your ass here. 

“Y/n! my little one!” a voice called out coming from the kitchen which you certainly recognize that belongs to Chan. He sat down beside you and immediately attacked you with one of his big and comfortable hugs. 

“I really missed you” he whispered in your ear before pulling away.

Felix announced that the movie is about to start which made everyone get back to their places. Jisung handed you your strawberries before he sat down with felix by the couch opposite to yours. You scanned your eyes to the people around you as you took notice of everyone in here. Chan who was now sitting by the carpet in front of the couch you were on. Changbin and Jeongin who were cuddled like babies by the longest couch, Felix, Hyunjin and Jisung who were now arguing in whispers of who will be able to cuddle Hyunjin’s Ryan plush. Minho, who just came back from the restroom and sat in front of Changbin and Jeongin. And—

Your thoughts were cut when a blanket was softly draped by your shoulders. You glanced behind you only to see the person you’re trying to avoid who was also looking at you,

“It’s… cold.” He said, deciding to turn away before you even return a ‘thank you’. You took the blanket in your hands and realized that it’s his own personal blanket. The one that he carried around whenever he would sleepover at your place before.

The movie ended and it was no surprise that both you and Jisung had already fallen asleep. Well, more than half of you are already in a deep slumber. The only ones awake are Chan, Minho and Seungmin.

"Are we gonna let them sleep like that or….?" Minho asked as Chan already started cleaning up the place from empty snacks and cups.

"I think the boys can manage to sleep in here, just bring more pillows and blankets," Chan answered, his figure disappearing towards the kitchen.

"Oh! and bring y/n upstairs to Hyunjin's room!" Chan declared.

Seungmin only watched as Chan and Minho did their thing, elbow propped to the armchair of the single seated sofa he's in and eyes boring directly to you, seeping. Just as when Minho was about to carry you to Hyunjin's room as Chan instructed, Seungmin sat up straight from his slouching position.

"I'll take her," he said,

"... uh, upstairs." Minho only looked at him before heaving a sigh and letting Seungmin do it.

Seungmin then approached you, taking notice of how his blanket draped over your sleeping figure. He sighed heavily before placing his arms beneath your neck and knees, carrying you in the comfort of his arms. You shifted in your sleep and snuggled closer to Seungmin's neck unconsciously due to his warmth being in close proximity to your naturally cold body.

“Be careful” Minho instructed as Seungmin started to head for the stairs. 

Seungmin successfully laid you down the bed and carefully tucked you in beneath the sheets, attempting to take his blanket from you. But you tugged on it and cuddled with it more in your unconscious state. Seungmin chuckled at how adorable you looked and decided to just let you have it. It also reminded him of that one precious memory with you.

"Seungmin, I'm really, really sorry. I thought that I placed it in here already." you said as you checked Seungmin’s duffle bag once more. You were so sure that you’ve included his blanket there, which he lent you the previous day. Your eyes started to water at the thought of misplacing Seungmin’s favorite blanket at the cabin, because you always lose things.

“Have you checked your bag?” Seungmin said as he opened your backpack that lies beside his. He scrambled through the pile of clothes inside and a minute later, he felt the familiar smoothness of the cotton of his blanket. He sighed in relief before bringing it out, showing it to you.

“Y/n, it’s in here” he chuckled as he held it in your vision. You let out a shaky breath before tears came running down from your eyes. All of the frustrations from earlier and the anxiety of losing something important to your best friend came crashing to you as your adrenaline finally settled down, resulting in letting it all out. Seungmin, with years of knowing that you have a shitty tolerance with how your lacrimal glands work, led you to the surface of the bed. Encircling his warm hands to your much colder ones as he rubs soothing circles at the back of it with his thumb. Just like what he always did whenever you needed someone’s comfort. One that you can’t just vocally ask someone of and one that only a certain Kim Seungmin can do. 

It was one of Seungmin’s favorite memories of you. It wasn’t because you cried, god no, Seungmin hates seeing you cry. It was the level of intimacy that your friendship with him has. You weren’t in your best shape, but he saw how you cared for him and not just him but also the things that he owns and the sentiments that they hold. How you value your relationship with him that even a stupid blanket of made you bawl your eyes out. It was how special and dear he is to you, not the expensive, crystal, gems that you both always laugh at whenever you go online shopping, but it’s special like how you always wore this long, beige, soft-cottoned cardigan of yours, the one where you don’t want to lose it so you’ll just use it in every kind of opportunity there is, to keep it in your sight. And believe it or not, Seungmin regrets every decision he made when everything that he had with you came to an end. Because it took him a year in college, and an ample amount of avoiding you, to realize that you were more than just a best friend.

You suddenly woke up from your sleep, feeling quenched for water. Then you remembered that you haven't had any drop of water after the sweets that you consumed earlier. You made your way towards the kitchen from Hyunjin's room, knowing the directions well, based on your last memories from this house. Reaching the kitchen counter, you spotted a familiar figure sitting by the table. But you chose to ignore him as you made your way to the fridge after grabbing a glass of water by one of the cabinets.

"Hey… y/n," you choked on your glass of water as you heard him suddenly speak. You wiped your lips before turning around to face him.

"Can we perhaps, uh… talk?" You took a sharp breath in as you totally did not expect him to initiate a conversation with you. 

Seungmin was beyond nervous. He can already hear his heart pounding in his chest as you slowly approached the table, taking your time to somehow process the questions in your head. You took the seat in front of him, the grazing of the chair's feet against the marble floor being the only sound that was heard in the dread of the night. You softly sighed before turning your gaze towards the boy's hazelnut orbs, which was a wrong decision as it reflected against the moonlight from the window behind you, effortlessly making you lost with how his eyes showcased faint sadness and longingness. 

It was during your last December as a senior high school, you guess it was when everything went wrong.

You were watching Seungmin's baseball game, excitedly screaming his name when your phone rang obnoxiously from your pocket. At first you ignored it, thinking it was just Felix trying to convince you to accompany him at the bake sale, even though he's fully aware that you're with Seungmin. But then your phone did not stop ringing and by the third time, you answered. It was Jisung's number, but the voice doesn't belong to him. It was a call from the hospital, telling you that you must come immediately for your brother was caught in an accident. They told you to don't panic but here you are, quickly getting off from the bleachers while texting Seungmin about your sudden disappearance.

You reached the hospital with your anxiety rising in every step that you take. The nurse instructed you to wait outside as your brother was undergoing an operation. You were frightened, of course. Your parents at that time were both out of town and you can't call your friends knowing that they're still in the middle of their classes, but you settled on sending them a message. Hours went by as you painstakingly waited for the doctor to come out of the operating room. Chan arrived first out of your friend group and that's when you broke down. Weeping and bawling your eyes out as he engulfed you with his warm arms. Your friends slowly piled up in the white hallways of the hospital, but your best friend was still nowhere in sight. The doctor finally came out and told you about your brother's condition. Apparently, Jisung was caught in a car accident, the driver of the car was over speeding, but his breaks don’t work. Jisung will now be transferred in a separate room and you just have to wait for him to wake up. 

“Where’s Seungmin?” Hyunjin pointed out as you all headed for the room Jisung was transferred to.

“His game wasn’t done yet when I received the call.” you said, a bit tired from crying due to the events of that day.

“But it’s been hours already. I’m sure his game wouldn’t last that long” Felix stated, clearly concerned because they all know how you and Seungmin treat each other and it was evident, by the way you search for the entrance of the hallway every now and then, that you’re looking for your best friend. 

“He’ll come by.” you said, completely ignoring everyone else as you sat on a chair near Jisung’s bed and it wasn’t that long when you had fallen asleep, clutching your brother’s hand in yours.

Seungmin came by the next day, explaining that he had to stay after the game for some stuffs that their coach instructed him and you noticed that something is wrong. It bothers you how he can’t look directly in your eyes as he explained. Because Seungmin wasn’t like that. He would always look at you whenever he tells you something important but that day, he chose to avoid your gaze. And one of the things that you regretted doing was not asking him about it because after that, Seungmin became distant.

The first two months after the incident, it was still tolerable,  after school hangouts slowly lessened, with Seungmin spending his extra time for baseball practices and you totally understand it, you still have lunch times together anyways. But then it didn’t last long, when you all came back to school, having to spend your last semester as senior high school students, Seungmin suddenly doesn’t sit with you during lunch anymore. He started to hang out with the jocks, his teammates. It doesn’t also help that he’s cancelled every road trip that you both scheduled way before the previous semester ended. Your weekly game nights with him became monthly ones, until he skipped one month, or maybe two... or three, and it became countless that you never cared anymore. Everything that you’ve been doing with Seungmin, you became used to doing them all alone now. And you can only bask in silence as you continue to question yourself, What happened?

You used to hate losing things that you value dearly, but you never knew that losing someone would hurt much more than the things you lost. And Seungmin, he was among those that you lost but the difference this time is that you knew. You knew that he was slowly slipping away from you but you just let him. Thinking it was okay, thinking maybe, he grew tired of you, of how he was always the one to look out for you but everyone including you, knew that it doesn't make a point. Seungmin won't just slip away like that or that's what you thought. 

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin broke the endearing silence that surrounds the both of you.

“For everything.” You only stared at him which he took as a signal to go on.

“Remember the university that I always told you about before?” Of course you remember, he couldn’t stop talking about it, junior year. You nodded in response as he went on,

“The same day of Jisung’s accident, I got offered for a scholarship to study there and I didn’t know what to do. My parents kept bugging me to accept it and they are already planning for my future on their own. It was my dream school, y/n." you saw a stray tear that grazed seungmin’s left chubbier cheek that you love the most, making you want to wipe it but no, you have to keep yourself cool or all the walls that you built after him will be instantly destroyed.

"I was confused, because in every future plan that I had, prior to being offered that scholarship, you were already included," Seungmin continued, his voice cracking as he tried to suppress his sobs.

"y/n, I didn't want to lose you." he said before tears were rushing down his delicate features, 

"You already did." you said, your now glassy eyes locked with his.

"y/n–"

"No, Seungmin, you had a choice to tell me everything before. You should've told me and I would understand the situation, but you did not. Instead you slowly left me. Do you even know how much I had gone through?" you cut him off. 

"I– I'm sorry," 

Seungmin was scared, then and now, to see how you're drifting away from him. The only difference was that when he made that decision before, he was scared of his growing feelings for you, feeling more than what the title ‘best friend’ holds, which pushed him to do what he did. He knows, his defense mechanism was bullshit. But then now, he is scared of the possibility that you'll cut him off of your life, without him telling you what he truly felt just because he doesn't want to add more flame to the burning of your wounds. 

"I was a coward, I know. So, please, let me make it up to you." you scoffed at his reply,

"Why now? It's been two years, Seungmin. It probably won't hurt you to have me completely out of your life because you clearly are doing well on your own" 

"Han Jisung," he said which had taken you back,

"He won't let me near you after senior year." you sat there in silence, Jisung did what now?

"You can ask him." Seungmin added but you weren't paying attention as everything in your head is now in pure chaos. You know you can't think straight at this moment so you just sat there in silence, trying to organize the haywire in your brain.

"Did you accept the scholarship?" you asked, which startled Seungmin.

"I did." 

"Good for you. I'd feel guilty if you haven't." you sighed as you glanced at the clock and noticed that it's already half past four in the morning. You stood up from your seat, preparing to go back to sleep.

"I'm going to sleep, you?" you asked him.

"I'll stay for a while." he said, looking up at you with slumped shoulders.

"I forgive you, Min, I already did a long time ago," you said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"But I'm sorry, I don't think I can give you what you're looking for right now." 

There are things in your life that you have longed to look for and in some instances, you tend to find them at the most random places, in the most unexpected times. But after not seeing them for a long period of time, you happen to forget the value that it holds, how important they were, and nothing will remain besides the nostalgic memories that it held. That’s what you felt with Seungmin right now. He was your best friend, until he wasn’t. You were inseparable until he slipped away from your bond. And now, every time you see him, you’ll be reminded of how he once left you and the possibilities of it repeating. Because you believe that losing something once can be a mistake but losing it twice means you’re not responsible enough to keep it.

[ateezmakesoneteam]

Hey, I'm a new follower but I already love your account. After I saw your post where someone asked u some questions, I wanted to do that too🥺since you're two persons running this account, can u tell about how u met and a bit about each other? I would love to read it, but I also hope it's not too personal to ask that tho😅

Hello to you and welcome to our blog :)

Long boring answer incoming (run while you can):

We met in high school and started attending the same class in November 2017 where we instantly became friends, but we didn’t listen to kpop at that time (Admin J did a little, but knew like 3 songs). We bonded through everything else, and in June of 2018 our 3rd friend got both of us into kpop (like really hard) and we never tried to get out of it again, since it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to both of us. 

Some fun facts about Admin J:

I have always been interested in Asian culture (hence why I knew about kpop before listening to it) - just generally interested in cultures tho :D

I have always been interested in music too and I can play multiple instruments, as well as sing (just not in public - except for this one time in a school play where I wrote a song and it got admitted to the play and then I had to actually sing it, yikes! Admin A: don’t listen to her y’all, her voice is amazing - Admin J: shUT Up! - No bish, you shut up, I’m spitting straight facts here - Can we like not have an argument in the middle of my self introduction pls?! - Like I said, I’m just stating facts, nothing else - … Just… Okay, thank you :) )

I have 2 future goals: I want to do music on a daily basis and I want to travel the world :) 

And Admin A:

I’m an album-holic. I currently own 13 but I’m definitely going to buy more in the future - they are my aesthetic :) (I’ve spent way too much money on them, lol. Especially that one time where I had to pay additional toll ‘cause they came all the way from a fancy shop in Korea)

Another random fact about me is that I used to play tennis A LOT. A couple of years ago I participated in many tournaments besides training 5-6 times per week. I don’t really play it anymore, but I’m always up for a little game if someone asks ;)

If we’re talking serious school stuff I have always sucked at science-related subjects, especially math. Last year was the absolute worst, but luckily Admin J saved my ass, up to the point where she even did a whole assignment for me (lmao) (Admin J: I totally did!! - But Admin A’s been my backup in the linguistic classes sooo)

(While writing this Admin A (who has a shitty memory) couldn’t remember anything about how we met, and Admin J admitted her best friend ever is Admin A, and Admin A was really touched)

WE TOOK A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE THANK YOU VERY MUCH KIND STRANGER. Besides, as you can probably see, we’re chaotic af. Thank you for coming to our little TED Talk. 

Written by Admin J 

Corrected by Admin A

[superlepato]

With Love from Memory Lane

This is the second part of IDK how many of the first kiss au from the @harringroveweekoflove  thanks to @ihni for being my official unofficial eta reader. I should mention that I’m posting this on Ao3 too.  This is Chapter 1 on tumblr

Chapter 2

He was happy and didn’t know it until puberty arrived, that’s when everything got complicated.

At the beginning of middle school, it was mandatory to take the Standardized Secondary Designation Test or SSDT, but everyone called it the ABO test, for the name of the designations.

The secondary designations didn’t mean much to him since it didn’t affect him directly. Until they hit puberty, those designations were something that your parents explained to you, and from time to time you heard of them on the streets.

“Hey, knothead!”, “Dude stop being such a beta.”, “ You won’t believe what that omega bitch did last night.”

When you reached puberty your body would change and adapt to your label, the process was different for everyone, even between people that shared the same designation.

Alphas tended to be aggressive and kind of dicks. Billy wanted to be one, not because he wanted to be mean but because he preferred to be on top rather than at the bottom, especially with an alpha as a father at home.

Betas were the common denominator, average in every sense,  maybe the only thing they shared with the other designations was the fact they were able to tell by smell the label you belonged.

The Omegas were the most desired by others, but the most despised to become, the double standard settled more on them than any other designation. It wasn’t fair, but it was what it was.

The new sixth graders would meet in the gym. A series of temporary cubicles lined up side by side, inside them were doctors and nurses who would guide them during the tests. The most important being the blood sample test.

Classes were suspended that day since the whole day was dedicated exclusively to the physical evaluation, after that, a lecture would take place in the gym, later they would finally be assigned their schedule.

All the voices inside the gym mixed in a buzz full of gossip and all of them were about the same thing, “what did you get?”, “ I heard that he/she is…”, “ I bet I’m going to be an alpha”, “I hope we get the same”

He and Stevie were next to each other since their last names started with the same letter, both of them were anxious and dreading the moment they entered the cubicle but at the same time wishing to get over with it.

While they waited for their turn to came, they planned all the stuff they would do at the beginning of middle school as alphas, how they would sign up to the same classes and sports.

Billy was called first the nurse closed the curtain when he entered, inside there were three chairs (the doctor was sitting in one of them), a weight, a table with needles and tubes for blood.

They weighed him, measured him with a measuring tape, tested his reflex, his eyesight, checked his teeth, asked him questions about his parents (their designation and at what age they presented) and at the end, they took a sample of his blood.

They actually needed just one drop for the A/B/O test the rest was probably used for other tests or something he didn’t ask, he was focused on the blood that was dropped on a small piece of paper that changed to a dark blue.

PATIENT: WILLIAM M. HARGROVE   DESIGNATION: ALPHA

He was an alpha, he was elated, couldn’t be happier and he showed it after he exited from the cubicle, the ones that were closer knew just for the big smile on his face that he got the designation he wanted. He couldn't delay too much since he needed to clear the way, but that didn't stop Stevie to congratulate him with two thumbs up.

Stevie came next, Billy was instructed to go to the bleachers and take a seat in the area according to his designation, he did and kept a seat for Stevie.

Looking around, he saw the ones who already were designated and among them was a familiar face. Tommy.

Tommy was one of Stevie’s friends before he came to Hawkins, he was part of the group of friends they usually hung out with, he was funny but they weren’t close. He couldn’t help but smile seeing him now in the beta section, Tommy like many others used to brag about how he was going to be a big alpha, always saying how that ran in his family and that his uncle was a big alpha. He never answered what designation his parents were when asked.

When Stevie finally came out, he raised his arm and waved, showing where he was. Stevie’s saw him but ignored him, turning his head, crestfallen he went to the bleachers, one teacher pointed out his section for him, it wasn’t the alpha and neither the beta.

Head on his knees blocking his surroundings, the lonely figure of Stevie sat at a distance of a few girls, he was the only male. A glance was all he needed to see the effect that Stevie had on the rest.

He saw Tommy smirking, joining animatedly in a conversation between several betas, while he felt a bit lost trying to catch the expression of his friend.

Stevie was an Omega, and he didn’t know what that could mean yet.

The omega designation didn’t happen frequently, it wasn’t unheard the existence of places where they didn’t have a single omega, still, female omegas were more common than their male counterpart, a rarity according to science. He had heard of them but never seen one in person, the only ones that he had seen had been in TV commercials and movies, and the only omega he could remember seeing in a movie was a priest.

Later he would find out where the rest of the male omega representation went, and how easy it was to find them when you knew where to search. There was always a big brother or the friend of a cousin willing to help for a small price or a pack of cigarettes, it helped to look older, after all, nobody wanted to be that guy selling pornography to a bunch of kids.

Anyway, the day of the A/B/O test he wasn’t able to get close to Steve for the rest of the day, after the lecture the groups were guided to the administration to get their schedule and finalize the registration.

After that everyone was free to go back home and do whatever they wanted, Stevie’s group was the first to be dismissed since it was the smaller of the three.

Stevie must have used his bicycle because Billy wasn’t able to find him after he left the administration office. Stevie didn’t wait for him.

It was the first time it happened since they became friends, but he would have time to get used to it because it wouldn’t be the last.

That day Billy didn’t go to Stevie’s home, he was busy dealing with his father but for once he was happy to do it. When he told Neil his designation he gave him a side hug and his eyes reflected something he had almost forgotten how it looked on his father’s face. Happiness and Pride.

He spent the rest of the day with his dad watching TV and taking his first sip of beer, his father explained to him what being an alpha meant, what was expected of him and more importantly what Neil expected of him.

That was the last time he laughed with his father.

[koalas-koalas-everywhere]

I can’t believe people actually blame Peter for being bullied

Listen, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend Peter didn’t have a rotten temper and couldn’t have done something to improve his high school experience, at least after the bite, but I am sick and tired of people (read: witers) claiming that he was even as much as half to blame. Heck, depending on the period of time we’re talking about, the only way for him to fit in might have been to compromise most of himself. Partly, this is because almost everything we see of his life in high school (that wasn’t written decades later, with the baggage of modern ideologies) is from after the bite, whether it is from the original period when he was going to high school or . This is what we see in Amazing Fantasy #15, before Peter got his powers.

People who claim Peter was at fault for how he was treated say he was given many chances to join the group, but here we see how he’s only considered because they need him, and even then, when Flash says no, they discard him completely. (Yeah, the bubbles on the middle and right are Flash and Liz respectively.)

Also, Peter heard that. Just so you know. Even if later he is invited somewhere, you think he’s going to forget that this is what they really think of him?

“Well, but Peter could still have tried to change their minds!!! Even if they might not reach out to him, it doesn’t mean he should push them away!!! He should have given them a chance and they would have been friendly to him!!!!”

Yeah. So friendly.

But, hey, people who’ve read early comics and have seen Peter in action will say, what we say happened did, too!

And yes it did! Check this out!

They did invite him to stuff, didn’t they? Isn’t this what he wanted? He should be happy! What happened? Well...

(Why is that picture so big?)

Some day arrived! And with it, Enough sense of self worth and dignity that Peter stopped chasing after people who didn’t want him there (and went on a power-trip that lasted him most of not all of his adolescence and so shaped him forevermore, but that’s a discussion for another time).

The next time we see him enteract with his peers is in ASM #1, in the third picture. Yeah, he really couldn’t go, and the others got a bit too pissed about his rejection considering he was only technically invited because the friend group probable consisted of most of the class. However, look at that face, he probably said it in a bitchy way. He was rejecting them, but why shouldn’t they, since they proved time and time again that they didn’t want him there, not even then, really, and wouldn’t even aknowledge that they treated him poorly?

Except. Except, out of nowhere people started being nice to him (I’m not discounting spider-hormones). That brunnette girl from the fifth pic? Actually called him Petey before Liz did, and, after Peter’s been defeated by Doc Ock for the first time, they’re just so nice to him, not even minding that he ignored them at first because he’s upset and distracted by the memory of Doc Ock bitch-slapping him, I guess. It wasn’t like that all the time, though.

Like, there’s Peter, staying in his lane, when they come up to him to annoy him (his tendency to then key the other person’s car, metaphorically of course, notwithstanding). And like this, we can find plenty of other examples.

Sooo... What’s the truth?

Well, out-of-universe, it was kinda forshadowed by the fourth pic, here’s one more to make it clearer.

Misunderstandings. Peter will do some thing or the other that, because he’s Spider-Man, will be a sacrifice to him, but, to those who don’t know that, will only make him look bad. Can’t go to the Spider-Man show? It’s because he’s Spider-Man, but his classmates will think he’s just anti-social and sees himself as better than them. Has to leave a potentially dangerous group activity? It’s because he’s Spider-Man and has to be ready tosave people, but people will think he’s scared (which, by the way, was like a death sentence back then. If any of you time travel to the 60′s and someone calls you a coward, or yellow, punch them in the face. It will be the appropiate reaction). Doesn’t get to his meeting with Aunt May to reconciliate with her on time? It’s because he’s Spider-Man, and he had reason to suspect a murderous villain was about to attack, so he went after him, only to find a less efficient but even more murderous villain he had to fight, but his Aunt and her boyfriend didn’t know that, so they think he just doesn’t care about her.  (This, by the way? Tends to happen with readers, too.)

It’s to show that being Spider-Man isn’t all fun and games, even outside of risking his life. That was the novelty of Spider-Man, the balance of super-heroism and day-to-day life, which would often get unbalanced. So, the purpose of having scenes where his classmates are nice to him was to show the sacrifices Peter had to make to be Spider-Man. 

In-universe? It has to do with the exact kind of bullying I think Peter went through. 

First off, I don’t think he was physically attacked. Modern (and by this I mean stuff from the 90′s forward) tend to go “oh, he was, bullied, ok, let’s roll”* and go with what their preferred version of bullying, especially that between a nerd and a jock, which is the jock beating the nerd up, but, except for one flashback from a school reunion annual from the 70′s, I think, we don’t have evidence of Peter being beat up, and the guys there weren’t Flash. Except for a few shoves, that one time he told Peter to meet him after school and that one time they arranged a boxing match (see what I mean when I say punching people in the face was an appropiate response? The teacher literally let them go into the ring and punch their mad off), Flash doesn’t seem to be physically agressive with Peter, although, to be fair, he does threaten him with violence often, and often the only reason they don’t fight is because Liz interrupts them. Like I said, though, this is from after Peter got his powers, and all those times he’s matching Flash step by step, so, maybe, he wouldn’t have dared to stand up to him before, so things wouldn’t have escalated as much (btw, this isn’t me blaming Peter, Flash is the one who keeps provoking him, Peter’s just... too damn easy to provoke after the bite). 

Here’s what I think it was like before the bite:

His main bully was Flash, the rest followed his lead. It is a take on the kind of power and responsabilities that come from being popular. Flash, who has his own problems at home, takes it out on Peter because 1) he’s different. The issue which triggered this whole rant, WoS #35, said that his medal, even six years after he won it, was the only science award his school had ever won. This means not only that it will make it easy to find something to mock about him which will get others to join in, it’s also 2) unlikely someone else will orbit to him, someone who might not be so different and might defend him, and convince other to do so as well. 3) Flash is jealous, (certainly) because of Peter’s good relationship with his “parents”, (later on) because Liz will prefer him over Flash, and (probably) of his aptitude for academics, which isn’t only good in and of itself, it also gets him in the good graces of their teachers (like, in ASM #26, after Peter claims to have been the one to start a fight, Flash confesses it was him and the principal is ACTUALLY GLAD. IMAGINE). This probably mixes up with 1), because both of them have to do with approval from adults, which is something he would especially crave because his dad is an abusive asshole and his mom won’t defend him, while he’s liked and/or feared enough to be the most popular guy in school. 

So, Flash picks Peter as his main target. Although he might get physically rough with him sometimes, when he thinks he’s stepping out of line (which for Flash would mean any and all attempts on Peter’s part to be included or liked, as shown in the pictures), I think that when he picked on Peter it was mostly verbally. However, it got out of hand because Flash was the most popular guy at school. He was the leader, so when he did something, people backed him up. Look at the first picture. The first guy innocently suggested that they ask Peter to join them in a dance, and Flash cuts him down immediately (granted, he’s probably right) and Liz, who’s the most popular girl, backs him up. No one’s going to go against them. Like, people have the right to dislike others, even if they’re not bad people, and Flash and Liz do, too. It’s just that, because they have social power, people will follow their lead, and Flash especially will usually go out of his way to pick on Peter.

Flash forward, however, and people start being nice to him. What happened? Well, they grew up (as much as a 15-17 yo is expected to grow). There is a group of guys who back Flash’s bullying to the end, but some others stop following him like sheep even before Liz decides Peter’s not that bad. So, some will be friendly to him, while some will still pick on him. Seems all in all allright, right?

Except it comes a little too late, because when Peter got his powers, in his mind he overcame what they’d convinced him were his short-comings, so he actually starts seeing himself as better than all of them. Up until that moment, what he’d seen was that the power that counted rested in strength and in popularity, (Flash was powerful, because he was popular, because he was strong - like, at that moment he wasn’t even the one who had to struggle with finances, his only problem was that he was ostracized at school and lonely) so when he became Spider-Man, a sensation because of his powers, he thought he’d become more powerful than them. In a way, it freed him from them, he didn’t have to ask anything of them anymore. I think it’s well explained in this panel, from after the FF wrongly accused him of being a criminal because the press said so (guilty of crimes other than breaking and entering into the Baxter Building) (and mild battery, although everyone participated in a bit of that. Actually, and without taking away from the fact that getting into the BB like he did was so dumb oh my god Peter you don’t do that, he wasn’t even the one who threw the first punch, he was mostly avoiding the FF’s attacks. Like, the exact count was one punch or shove to the Thing and one webbed hand to Reed).

(WHY is it so big?)

... forgive him for being a drama queen, he’s fifteen, he’ll grow out of it, mostly.

But yeah, the first bubble? I suspect that, while it was all the negative press that pushed it out, he’s been thinking that about people for a long while. The second part, that came to be after he got bitten. He stopped seeking approval because he was convinced he could pave his own path, with his own power. However, he also stopped being receptive to approval, especially from certain people. 

So, thinking of Peter’s bullying in high school as a cycle is faulty, since the first evidence we have of him even talking back when someone’s picking on him, let alone push someone away when they’re being nice, instead of actively seeking friendship, is after the bite, when his ostracization had already started. Actually, my memory might be faulty, but the only time he rejects an invitation to a group outing and it’s not because he has to be Spider-Man (which includes “I can’t go  bc I have to do Spider-Man things” AND, as the ninth picture shows, “I actually came, but I have to leave now to do Spider-Man things”) is when Liz started crushing on him and invites him to party, and even Liz admits they had it coming. Actually, Liz is the only person shown to admit that their previous treatment of him was wrong, so she’s the only one (of the ones who actively mocked him, the rest were just doing their thing) who, in my opinion, deserved to be forgiven... and she was. 

*Seriously, interpretations about how his life in high school nowadays are basically “well, Peter, you didn’t give them a chance when they tried to approach after years of isolation, how do you expect them not to mock you, belittle you, avoid you and tell their friends to do the same???” to “everyone in that school will grow up to be a psycopath, poor Peter, he gets beat up everyday by everyone” which is... also not something I agree with.

P.S.:Also, something for fic writers, understanding that everyone can do what they want, this is just a pet peeve of mine and I have no authority to stop anyone from writing anything. Just... I read a fanfic the other day, a high school AU, in which Peter had the same characterization as he did in the comics when he was that age, (or maybe even worse, because he was rude to Aunt May, which is... something Peter would never do??? Lie to her? Guiltily, yes. Accidentally hurt her because he’s Spider-Man so he keeps secrets and isn’t as reliable as he was once? Yeah, it’s been known to happen, but talk back to her???) even though he’d had friends all his life and just... no. Anger IS a big part of Peter’s character, especially when he’s younger, but a lot if not all of that comes from the fact that he’s been a victim for so long with no support system aside from his Aunt and Uncle. He is explosive, yes, so a bad temper would not be out of place, but he’s not naturally an asshole. Actually, and I’ve seen enough to know this is an unpopular opinion, while Peter might overreact a lot, he won’t actually bite someone’s head off just for looking at him funny. He’s actually not even the kind of person who’ll punch the wall between his apartment and yours when you've been singing loudly and off-key for several nights and keeping him from sleeping. Except in extreme circumstances, and though he might blow things out of proportion, he’ll go off on you only if you’ve poked him. If he’s going through bad times, the kind of thing that really weight on your mind even when you’re not actively thinking about it, yes, he’s the worst. Especially because one bad thing will affect him enough that either because he’s distracted or because he’s on edge, he’ll mess up with something else, and things will keep piling up on his plate, partly because he has a truly tragic life and bad luck, partly because he’s too overwhelmed about the things that are going wrong to fix or avoid what could go wrong next, and he’ll be snappy and rude and push people away accidentally or because he thinks he’s helping them, which will make things even worse. But, like I said, this isn’t normal. This is Peter Parker at his very worst.

We don’t see it much, because we’re reading only what will make a story, which is what has conflict, but a content Peter has been described as having a sunny disposition and being friendly as a puppy, and even when held and drugged against his will in a mental institution he’s (rightfully) suspicious of, his nurse describes him as gentle. Like, even if you want to say that it’s all tell and no show because it’s only what other characters have said of him, I’ll say 1) I said that we don’t see it often, not that we don’t see it at all and 2) a character is built by what they do, what they say and what others say of them.

There have been some huge misconceptions of the character, along the lines of MCU Peter Parker, but the course correction made it go too far to the other side.

[teditonks-blog]

TED TONKS. former healer, current mediwizard. chronic fixer. lover of baked goods. family man. bit of a slob. kinda tired. if there wasn’t a war, ted would be running a bakery and solving crossword puzzles all day.

PINTEREST.

PLAYLIST.

hello pals !! i’m liz and i also write bellatrix ( ted’s polar opposite™ ty ) !! thank u for coming to my ted talk ♥ it’s a bit long, but i’ve tried to highlight important bits with capital letters / bold letters and stuff so hopefully it should be easier to read!! also i won’t be offended if u don’t read everything obviously since i’ve written a mini essay about teddy : ~ ) ♥

CHARACTER INFLUENCES:

bill weasley ( very chill, that ‘ i could kill you but i definitively won’t ‘ aesthetic, likable, would die for his wife, academic overachiever ),  chidi anagonye ( kinda pretentious, likes riddles, overthinker, a little bit quiet ), terry jeffords ( family guy, probably digs yoghurt, strong and friendly, stays in his own lane ), nick burkhardt ( that ‘ i can’t believe you’ve done this ‘ vibe, moral compass pointing in the right direction most of the time, doesn’t see everything in black and white ), jackson avery ( values kindness, protective of what he loves, willing to fight for what he believes in, tired of stereotypes about his family background ), scott lang ( cheeky jokes when you least expect them, man of honor, would definitively hack a corporation and give back to the wronged workers if the opportunity presented itself ), merlin ( selflessness has no bounds, very smart, tongue in cheek humor, pokes fun at himself ), newt scamander ( can find good in anything, quiet, a little awkward, kind ), nick dunne ( there’s a line where the nice guy ends and something else begins, somehow manages to look like a teddy bear and an asshole at the same time, fiercely loyal until he’s not, pathological smiler ) and ray palmer ( smart, persistent, likes science ).

ANTHEMS:

gimme shelter - the rolling stones // bel air - the church // midnight rambler - the rolling stones // this must be the place ( naive melody ) - talking heads // close to me - the cure.

AESTHETIC / VIBE: 

mick jagger during the late 60s, a quick wink in the corridor as he walks past, hands dug deep into washed out jeans, tears burning in your eyes as someone dies in your arms, the smell of vintage books, waking up screaming, blood splatter on your neck, always carrying medical supplies ( there’s always a fight, somewhere ), the smell of freshly baked cookies, a heart beating out a hummingbird’s melody, soft eyes slowly growing colder, muggle pens behind ears, rock and roll playing from old gramophones, never getting the blood out of your favorite shirt, raised eyebrows, faded hickeys and fake smiles to make someone feel better.

QUICK STATS:

name: edward ambrose tonks nicknames: ted, tedward, teddy occupation: mediwizard former house: ravenclaw date of birth: may 7th age: twenty six +: easy going, altruistic, sharp and kind. -: phlegmatic, guarded, detached and indulgent. wand: 13′’, unicorn hair, acacia wood. patronus: a brown bear.

BACKGROUND:

Ted grew up on Valentia Island, a small muggle town on Ireland. His father was a science teacher, and his mother a mathematician and researcher. He grew up on formulas and numbers and facts and science. Anything that he could make sense of, he found comforting. Like home.

[ Alcoholism tw:// ] Money was always an issue and they could just make ends meet, never any room for luxuries. Though that didn’t stop Ted’s father from finding himself looking down the barrel of a bottle a little bit too much. That also put a strain on the family, and the economics.

His mother, Eliana Tonks ( née McNamara ), mostly worked from home. She balanced her research career in maths ( trying to get published, applying for grants, doing the occasional guest lectures at schools ) with motherhood. She had two children from a previous marriage, both older than Ted. She was a caring mother, but also somewhat unstable, prone to mental breakdowns.

Ted also spent a considerable amount of time with Eliana’s mother, Dorothy McNamara —- and some of Ted’s fondest memories are from her farm, the scent of newly baked cinnamon rolls seemingly always hanging in the air.

Also helped out at her farm a lot and took care of her animals.

[ Alcoholism tw:// ] His father, Brian Tonks, the secondary school science teacher, was mostly just very tired. For years, he constantly worked overtime, took on extra work, barely ever saw his kids or his wife. Still couldn’t quite make ends meet. So he found comfort elsewhere, whiskey numbing his feelings, his soul, his thoughts.

Ted has four SIBLINGS — two older half brothers, and two younger sisters. Pretty early on, Ted took on a lot of responsibility regarding his siblings (really wanted to help his mom out, mostly), and spent countless hours playing with his sisters, taking them out on the ferry, trying to distract them from the problems at home. Ted is great with kids so !!!! That’s that!!!!

HOGWARTS YEARS:

The LETTER arrived with a peculiar man on a rainy Monday morning. It was explained to the Tonks family that their middle son, Edward, was a wizard. Brian got a good laugh out of that one. It would take a couple of weeks ( and another few visits ) to convince him that this wasn’t a con. Brian was a man of science after all - and men like him did not believe in magic.

So Ted was shipped off to Hogwarts, and became a HATSTALL ( just for long enough that Ted was sure that the hat had changed his mind about him, send him right back to Ireland ). Stuck between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, the hat eventually settled on Ravenclaw.

Ted was SHAMELESSLY MUGGLEBORN, from the very start. Homework was written with a pencil, instead of ink, muggle bands could be heard playing from his dorm (mostly the Rolling Stones), his mother sent him issues of national geographic and new scientist, which he read over breakfast at the Ravenclaw table. REBELLING against the wizard norms was 100% Ted’s brand.

But also fully EMBRACED WIZARD CULTURE!!!! Was that kid who always asked questions, tried everything that he could and always craved more!!!

Had a FROG for the first three years at Hogwarts ( called Toad, we love being practical ), and then got a cat instead ( called Neptune ).

During the summers, Ted was enrolled in SUMMER SCHOOL, and took muggle classes.

His FAVORITE CLASS at Hogwarts was probably arithmancy, but he also excelled in charms, herbology and transfiguration.

Attempted to join the QUIDDITCH TEAM during his third year, but didn’t make it. Continued being an avid supporter instead.

While at Hogwarts, Ted was FAIRLY POPULAR. He was always taking care of the younger kids ( even though he was never made prefect ), could be seen wearing jeans and a tshirt on his off days, was quite charming, told cheeky jokes to make people around him smile and overall just gave zero shits about what people thought of him. He was also that big, muscular dude who at first glance, you’d totally expect to be a crude jock, but then he’s not, and instead walks you to your dorm, always the perfect gentleman. Ted was lowkey just everyone’s cool older brother.

Ted was mostly interested in LEARNING. He wanted to learn about everyone around him, about magic, about their history. Also studied his ass off, and was at the top of his class. 

As a person, Ted was always KIND, a nice guy to his very core. But he was also COLD, somehow used to dulling his emotions, his senses, his heart ( he really is his father’s son, isn’t he? ). Instead focusing on other people - their hardship, their emotions, how can he help? He got used to always PUTTING HIMSELF LAST early on, already as a young child, so it was hardly any different at Hogwarts.

Definitively sneaked into the kitchen a couple times a week (and definitively found the house elf situation mortifying too, lbr).

Ted was of the conviction that if he tried hard enough - he could MAKE FRIENDS with anyone. Never met a stranger. Unfortunately that wasn’t quite the case, and he became the target of BULLIES during his first four years at the school. Ted always gave as good as he got though, quickly finding where his kindness ended - and where something darker began.

Had a pretty CAREFREE HOGWARTS EXPERIENCE, overall though? Mostly stayed in his own lane, studied a lot, went to parties, probably read every book in the library. Made a lot of friends but also some enemies. 

AFTER HOGWARTS / PERSONALITY:

Ted graduated with top marks, but had no further great ambitions beyond that. The dream was to open up a BAKERY, run it for a few years, and then move on to the next big thing.  He’s a firm believer in that there is a certain science to the perfect cake - that it takes more than a recipe. He’s also a firm believer in getting to know people, and what better way to do that than over cake, right?

Unfortunately, the war looming on the horizon pulled him in another direction. So after Hogwarts, he studied to become a healer, a work that although meaningful, never really excited him. So he worked at St Mungos for a couple of years, and did what he had always done. Stitched people up, put them back together. Completely detached from what he was doing, everything just felt like PRETEND. He perfected his bedside manner, a false smile always resting on his lips. He pretended not to notice when someone’s dark mark slipped. Everyone’s the same, to Ted, when he’s working. He doesn’t differentiate between the sinners and the saints, the good and the bad. 

After two years at St Mungos, he had a sudden change of heart, and made a swift career change. Hospital was changed in for the battle field as he became a MEDIWIZARD. 

And suddenly, he found himself in the center of the storm. Quickly patching people up, dodging spells, finding body parts. Somehow he finds himself always covered in someone’s blood. Sometimes it’s his own.

10000% uses muggle techniques out in the field too! If it works, why shouldn’t he? 

He only works in the medical field because of NECESSITY. He has no great aspirations to become a high level healer, and the job itself doesn’t draw him in. Though being in the field gets his heart racing, it’s not something he particularly enjoys and he mostly just does it because he wants to HELP. Can’t stand seeing all this mayhem, all this pain. It’s in his very nature to want to pick up the pieces, it doesn’t matter who it is. Ted grew up in an environment where he was the constant fixer of things, the glue that kept the family together, the little diplomat. That never changed.

What did change however was his DRIVE! Over the years, Ted has grown more and more DETACHED from what he does, what he sees. It’s incredibly hard to stay gentle in the society he lives in ( where a large group of people want to see him dead ), so Ted has grown more and more closed off. His heart is still made of gold, but he’s detaching himself from it. Coldness seeping into his bones, his blood. He hasn’t realized it himself, but he stopped properly caring a long time ago. He’s so tired.

LISTEN! These days, the only thing that Ted really, really cares about is his family!! Can you blame him? People want to kill him for who he is and meanwhile all he’s trying to do is save people :/// damn it :///

OKAY SO - let’s talk about THE ORDER!!! Ted helps out, when he can. But he doesn’t directly involve himself in their business, because 1) he suspects that some of his wife’s family members are death eaters, and he doesn’t want to do that to her / to have to fight his extended family. 2) Ted is definitively not a fighter - he’s the fixer, the healer, the guy you go to when you have a problem you can’t quite figure out on your own. 

Aligning himself with a side thus doesn’t feel quite right to him, since he’s out in the field, trying to remain objective, trying to help people on both sides. Not saying it isn’t a challenge, but homeboy is trying!

SO ----- Ted is a big old SOFTIE with a heart of gold. He embodies kindness down to his very core, and there usually isn’t a mean bone in his body. His name suits him well --- Ted is a teddy bear.

Ted is also incredibly TIRED. Years of working right in the middle of the war has taken its toll on him, and he’s getting fed up with all of it, tbh. Not that he’d ever say so. 

At this point though, Ted is starting to become more and more RESERVED, because as a medic, he has seen the things people do to each other, the things they are capable of. It makes him sick, and he’s growing increasingly detached from the people around him because of it.

Though guarded, Ted is pretty OUTGOING still! He just doesn’t let anyone (except for his wife!!!!) too close, anymore. Prefers to keep everyone at a distance. Ted has buried a lot of his friends and he’s getting pretty tired of that too. :/

Ted is so nice that he can be sort of INDULGENT? Lets people get away with a lot, and is overly permissive / forgiving & lenient at a great personal cost.

Also very SELF SACRIFICING. Puts EVERYONE before himself, always. It’s a problem.

Total OVERANALYZER and occasional overthinker. Typical Ravenclaw.

But also very easy going - literally the most chill guy ever. For better or for worse.

Try getting a rise out of this man!!!! You can’t!!! You could literally spit in his face and he’d just wipe it off and continue on with what he was doing. He does not give a single fuck - his skin is made of steel.

Tip: insult his wife / daughter and he might crack!!!

Can be incredibly APATHETIC!! Every now and then, the light in his eyes goes out, flickers and fades, and his usually SOFT HEART grows cold.

With that said, you wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of Ted’s hatred. It’s very rare, but absolutely SEETHING. Ted’s a patient guy. He can wait until the moment is right to strike back, ya feel.

Ted is sort of OBSESSIVE. Especially with the idea of fixing things ---- putting things back together. It stems from his childhood ( which I talked about earlier ). He’s a problem solver, a chronic fixer, a helper. He doesn’t know any other way to be, so he physically can’t stop himself from getting involved. 

In Ted’s mind, there is ALWAYS a solution. ALWAYS. Hence why he is taking this war so hard. He can’t solve a whole war, but he’s having a hard time coming to terms with that. Unfortunately, logic and reason can’t fix this. SUCKS.

[ PTSD tw:// ] Ted is slowly developing PTSD. He is ALWAYS there for the worst parts of the war and its aftermath. He has seen so much. So the nightmares never stop - at this point, they continue when he wakes up too.

In chaotic / dangerous situations, Ted just SHUTS DOWN. Acts on auto pilot. Becomes incredibly stoic, calm, lifeless. Phlegmatic to a fault.

Currently, Ted is mostly just done. #over this war!!

OTHER STUFF:

Definitively a vegetarian!!

Favorite color is green.

LOVES cooking and is lowkey an experimental chef? Likes seeing what happens when he adds stuff together.

But leans more towards baking!!! He’s still chasing that perfect cake. There’s a chemical reaction out there, somewhere, that he WILL find. Give him time!

Very Dad!! Loves Dora SO much. Wants to change the world for her.

Quietly teaching Dora math and science at home. Also slowly introducing her to muggle history and muggle technology and muggle music. It’s important to Ted that Dora knows where she comes from. That there is nothing wrong with who she is ( who they are ).

On that note, Ted cares so much about math and science! He loves anything that just makes sense. To this day, Ted will still read science books and magazines. 

LOVES animals and is so good with them too, which he learned when he worked his grandmother’s muggle farm as a teenager !!

Would... adopt ten dogs and five cows if he could.... someone hook this man up....

Doesn’t drink alcohol... yet. Doesn’t want to turn into his dad. I may do something with that later.

Wears a lot of washed out jeans and rolling stones shirts.

[webgeekist]

Holiday Karma Pie

I paid for someone’s groceries today.

I didn’t do it for the karma. I didn’t even do it for the charity. I did it because the lady in front of me was having technical issues, and the less-than-$30 bill was worth sparing my sanity and getting out of that line. I played it off as a Christmas thing, asked the lady to pay it forward, and assured her that, yes, I was serious when I said it was no big deal. It wasn’t. I was happy to pay to get out of there.

I have a habit of picking the worst grocery lines. I thought, for a while, it was just this new place I’m in, but then I went home for Thanksgiving and went through 20 minutes of hell waiting for the family in front of me to finish arguing with the cashier about the $20 in savings they weren’t getting because their coupons weren’t scanning, or whatever other nonsense was preventing them from scanning an entire conveyor belt full of items, $200 and two carts into the bill. We moved to another line, finally, when one seemed available nearby. When we left with our own hefty bill in the cart, they were still there, slowly scanning the rest of their items.

I am also the person who will pick up the one item out of 100 without a bar code, and take three of them to the checkout lane.

It’s funny, this idea that you can buy karma with good deeds, as if your motivations don’t count. I’ve seen The Good Place. I know better than that. My motivation today was entirely self-serving, as is most charity in this country. We overwhelmingly donate our time or our money because it makes us feel better about ourselves, not because we genuinely care about giving. We’re scared into doing the “right thing” by a book that has been mistranslated and misinterpreted for centuries, and somehow have this warped idea that doing the right thing will buy us grace. Good Karma. A spot in heaven. Optimal reincarnation. At the end, there’s always something in it for us.

I’m no better than others in that regard. I do good deeds infrequently, and when I do, it’s almost always born of convenience. “Would you like to pay an extra 63 cents to round up your bill and donate to the Children’s hospital?” Sure. “Would you like to donate a dollar to aid in wildfire relief for Sonoma County?” Whatever. “Give a dollar to homeless pets?” Okay. “Save free information!” Click.

The result is positive for the recipient. That doesn’t make the motive for donation genuine.

And it doesn’t make the universe less likely to balance out your good luck with misfortune.

I think about that a lot. I’m always grateful for the positive experiences in my life, but I’m hyper aware of the fact that they often come at a premium. There’s a trade owed the universe, and you will pay it in painful ways. Maybe it’s a hard lesson you need to learn after you land your dream job. Maybe it’s illness, recovery, and loss after you find a few years of companionship. Maybe it’s your family turning their back on you a month before your wedding to the love of your life. And oh, by the way, she’s a girl and you are, too.

I’ve enjoyed two years with my fiancée. I marry her in 23 days. How many of my family will actually show up? At this point, I’m not sure.

I took a job in the Bay Area in July. It wasn’t so sudden that my fiancée didn’t have input. She absolutely did, and though we didn’t expect to be able to afford Northern California, we’re happy we could make this work. Or, at least, that we will make this work after June, which is when her teacher’s contract runs out in Texas. I’ve raked up so many frequent flyer miles, going back and forth every spare moment, and in the airspace between SFO and DAL, I’ve uncovered an anxiety I never expected to have: a fear of flying.

I have flown a Cessna. I have logged hours in a genuine full-scale 737-700 simulator. My dad was a professional pilot at one point in his life, my uncle still is, and all his kids can fly. My grandfather flew for the Thunderbirds. My brother is on his way to being a commercial pilot. I am not afraid of planes.

I started crying and choking before walking through security. I panicked when I booked tickets. If not for some of them being booked immediately after I got the job, I would not have gotten on a plane after September, but I’ve been on five trips since, fifteen total, and for most of them the what-ifs and potential loss has consumed me to the point of paralysis. Every bump and adjustment on takeoff freaks me the fuck out. The changing sounds of the engines at different altitudes and powers freaks me the fuck out. It’s taken every moment of every one of those harrowing trips to learn how to manage the anxiety, to rationalize the noises I hear from the engines, to normalize the dips and turns out of each Bay Area airport, but come Thanksgiving, when I climbed on a plane for the first long break I’d gotten at the new company, when I was so over the project I was working on that I was relieved to be standing at another fucking gate and boarding another fucking plane, all the stress management techniques I’d gathered in my anxiety did nothing to stop me from experiencing sheer terror flying out of SJC, meeting some bumpy air, banking to head south down the coast to catch a connecting flight out of LAX and bouncing around in the turn. I landed at SAT five hours later, cried in relief when the plane touched down (I always do, and I thank the plane for getting me there. That plane’s name was Tank. I gave it that name.), and stumbled into the terminal as fast as my eighth row seat would allow.

And then, I went to my family’s Thanksgiving.

I should precede this with the statement that the nine days my fiancée and I spent at my mom’s house started fairly early on with some culture shock. My fiancée is in grad school, and one of her class assignments was a “cultural plunge.” That’s a hilarious concept, because her entire life is a cultural plunge. She was born in Houston, but raised completely in India, went to college in Singapore, and came back to the states after. Living here has been one awkward learning experience after another, and with her brown skin, it’s also often been an experience of racism, of profiling, of assumptions made by ignorant people. She can’t go through an airport without getting her bag inspected and a pat-down (that happened once with my mother, and after we told her that no, my brown fiancée really does get profiled, and my mom damn near got herself arrested chewing the TSA agents out because how dare you treat her daughter like that. Yes, my mom is privileged. But, go Mom). Her background in science has often made living in Texas not unlike living on an alien world where logic and reason are outlawed. And oh, she’s a lesbian too. Discrimination trifecta.

Anyway, she submitted the idea of going to a Catholic Church on Sunday and staying for a mass as a cultural plunge, because unlike her white middle-class native Texan classmates, this was something she’d never done before.

I mean, what are the odds that they’d pick a gospel that would somehow relate to one of the many hot-button issues that any church in a red state could pick? The Pope is fairly liberal for a Catholic, and neither my mother nor I really remembered the sermons being terribly political.

Clearly, it’s been a while since we attended church.

My mother was horrified. Here was an opportunity for her to show her daughter-in-law a bit of her culture, and her upbringing, and therefore a bit of where my own morals and morality comes from. Here’s a chance for her to prove to me that the church of her childhood might have had these tenants but the sermons didn’t get into specifics, and people mostly just tried to Love Thy Neighbor.

I was pissed. I glared hard at the deacon as he climbed off the dais and walked back to his seat, and I’m certain he saw me. I’m certain he paused for a half-step because he saw my face, which I’ve been told can be really menacing when I’m angry. I don’t keep my emotions to myself very often. I don’t have a poker face like my fiancée.

She couldn’t muster that face. She was openly crying and trying not to show it. This church – this remarkably diverse church where she didn’t stick out like a sore thumb, which had epistles in three languages, which was holding a bake sale as we walked in had on its staff a white conservative deacon who took an unrelated Gospel and warped it into a hateful political rant that didn’t hit one button. Oh no. That sermon was an IED array and it hit every single freaking target on the list.

We left during the Eucharist, and we didn’t buy a pie on the way out.

Five days after this experience that left us all in a drinking mood, and which after several bottles of wine was still a little painful, we went to the Thanksgiving party with my dad’s side of the family.

A lot of my aunts, uncles, and cousins seemed genuinely excited about the wedding. There was a bit of a shadow over one of my aunts because her father is really, really ill. Dad and my stepmother told a story about my grandmother, the escape artist, who is probably a lot more together than they think but who was put in an old folk’s home for people with memory problems about two months ago. I dread going to see her because the last time I saw her in a rehab facility, after she knocked her head and suffered the brain trauma that probably drove a lot of the symptoms she still has, it was a little difficult. It’s not going to be easy to see her in a home that isn’t actually her house. She apparently agrees, because she treats visitors to a tour of the place and asks a lot of pointed questions, like how many nurses are at the front station and whether or not you think someone can get to the parking lot from any given set of doors. She’s an inmate in a place she doesn’t feel comfortable staying, and she’s already made it to her car with an overnight bag once. But they have the keys locked up. I think she’s trying to figure out where they are.

She recognizes me. Remembers my name. Knows the wedding is soon. Asks about California. Hugs my future wife. And maybe goes through a few names before she gets some of my cousins’ and uncles’ names right, but she’s been doing that since I was four. We’re a big family. She always gets it right in under six tries.

My aunt looks hesitant to talk about her father, but she does. Both of us listen as she expresses her fears about being away, even for a day or two, because the doctors haven’t been very precise in telling the family to “spend time with him while you can.” It could be days, or maybe months, but probably not through winter because winter seems to be when so many people go, like the warmth-starved land sucks them dry. Which is weird, because we’re all from South Texas, and winter there is like 80 degrees.

We sympathize, and a pang of something I have only been able to define recently shoots through me. It feels like mortality, and reminds me of my fear of flying. It reminds me that I have this thing, this person, this state of being that I found and eventually will lose, that the loss won’t come when I’m ready for it (because that is never. I will never be ready for it). My heart hurts for her and my cousins, because the man is in his 80s like my two surviving grandparents, and that is a long and accomplished life, but it is still too soon for all of them. We have fought for my grandmother often enough and recent enough that I understand that position, too.

Hours later, before the annual turkey bowl, that aunt and my uncle, plus their oldest son come find my fiancée and I in the upstairs game room where most of the cousins retreat after lunch and before football. They ask us both to come out onto the balcony with them for a few minutes. Their younger son, recently married, follows shortly after with his new bride.

And my cousin starts….with a prayer.

“Heavenly Father, please guide our conversation today in your wisdom and light.”

I have my fiancée’s hand in my own. I hold it tighter. I know where this is about to go.

My cousin is a stalwart, honest guy. He’s the eldest son of two people who have always given where they could. They drop what they’re doing to help people, simply because they need help. They give within their means, which are better means than most. Their big and open hearts were passed to two of their three sons, both of whom were standing on that balcony with them. But they are sinners, my cousin says, all of them. And he is no better than anyone. He cannot cast judgment upon sinners as one of them, as someone who has been addicted to pornography, and has crossed lines with women. He loves us both, they all do, but surely we’ve read what the Bible says and it’s wrong, wrong, wrong.

My uncle says to us, we love you. We will not change how we treat you…but we’ve prayed about this for a while, and we can’t go to the wedding.

“We can’t celebrate the sin,” my cousin says.

And I know they love us, the best way they know how. I told them that I understood their perspective, though I disagreed, and respected their decision. We hugged, my aunt called me big-hearted, someone mentioned chocolate (it might have been me), and they started filing off the balcony.

I stayed behind and broke down in my fiancee’s arms.

See, my family had been outwardly accepting until that moment, when something finally broke enough for the first people to say something about it. And my fiancée – my tall, brown, “foreign” fiancée who has tried so hard to get my family to like her – felt instantly like all that effort had been for absolutely nothing. And I? I felt guilty for putting her in that position, for forcing us into a position where my family may never truly be okay with any of this, where a lifetime of loving and supporting each other so demonstratively may yet be lost on so many people I love, because somehow our relationship all boils down to sex to some people. Theirs is about love, but ours is about sex, and lust, and sin, and how the context of the Bible may be all about polyamorous lustful activities but a committed, loving, monogamous relationship between two women is just the same as sexually abusing guests and having orgies in front of idols and a really vague Greek word which in context probably means “men who sleep with boy prostitutes” but magically includes all people who engage in the act of sodomy and well never mind that you’re not actually doing that you’re just the same as the literal “man bed” who will not inherit the kingdom of heaven.

Maybe karma can keep that paradise, because I don’t want to spend eternity in a place where loving companionship is the same as assault. I get enough of that in the news.

It took me a while to come out of the bathroom I found to hide in, because there was no amount of water that could bring the redness down, and eventually my fiancée brought my closest cousin to find me. She saw us walk out, she counted the time, and she knew something had gone wrong. We told her what had happened.

This is the brewing rift. There are some people in our family who sit in Catholic services every Sunday and are not only going to the wedding but are genuinely excited for it. And there are some who might yet show up, but will be at the bar a lot.

Those excited for it will probably not enjoy learning why so many of us are absent. What happens then is probably not high drama, but probably won’t be business as usual either. Said my closest cousin, “I don’t know what to do with them now. You have a bigger heart than me for walking out of that situation without coming downstairs and telling everyone about it immediately.”

Twice in one day, in different contexts, two people I care about made reference to my perfectly normal sized, potentially smaller than average heart. Karma revealed the consequences of my good fortune that night, and they continue to unfold by the minute. For the first time in my life, I may miss Christmas with that side of the family this year. I suspect it won’t be the last thing we miss.

I climbed on the plane to come back to California two days later, and cried over the root of the problem with all these flights: the separation has been torture, and after the emotional week we had, it was going to be hard for us to heal apart. I put on my noice-canceling earphones and turned on Radiolab just before takeoff. It was a podcast about a girl without an identity, whose family kept her sheltered and off the grid, who didn’t have any kind of paper trail because her parents didn’t believe in social security numbers, and so never let her have one. I flew over Kerrville, where she had lived most of her life, while listening to the story. Takeoff was smooth. So was most of the trip back to SJC. And except for a really rough patch of air over New Mexico on the way to Dallas on Friday, my flights this weekend were just as painless.

I landed at SFO on Sunday and thanked the plane, as usual.

My eyes were dry.

[lilreesenerd]

Guardian Archangel

Summary: Turns out your best friend from childhood is really the archangel Gabriel, of all things.

Insp by Imagine from @nothing-but-spn

Warnings: I'm not a good writer

You had never been the extroverted type. I mean, you weren't captain of the sports team extroverted, but you also weren't the kid in the back of the class that said all of 2 words in a week. You kept to yourself because that's what made you feel most content: not the gossiping, fake friends you saw everyone else had. Out of the entire school, there was one guy who wasn't terrible: Gabe.

You two had been best friends for as long as you could remember. You always stuck up for him (being a theater kid wasn't easy for him), and he kept your life interesting. Gabe was always dragging you to a carnival or some obscure coffee shop. The best part about Gabe, though, was that he gave you your space. He knew you needed alone time to recharge. And that was okay with him.

You were smart, but not as smart as you realized. You had been accepted into a private college not far from your hometown on a ridiculous amount of scholarship money, but you weren't quite sure that was the path you wanted. It was the only path you knew, though. Well, besides working at McDonald's or being in your parents' house forever.

"Ms. (Y/L/N)," the professor called on you, knowing you weren't paying any attention.

"Uh," you knew you were in Calculus, but other than that, you hadn't been listening. Your mind scrambled to figure out what the question was as you scanned the room for clues. A question on the board asked to find the derivative of the equation below. Suddenly, you remembered the answer, "5x - 3."

Your professor was unimpressed. "Please pay attention, Ms. (Y/L/N). Finals are approaching, and you need to maintain your grades if you still plan to attend that school." She returned to scribbling derivatives on the blackboard and droning about their importance.

You nodded your head to her back and caught Gabe suppressing a laugh across the room. You stuck your tongue out, an old habit from your younger years that you just couldn’t kick. Gabe always brought out your fun side.

With the professor turned around, Gabe flicked a paper football at you. It landed perfectly on top of your green notebook. Opening it, you read his sprawling yet elegant handwriting, "Since you're so tired, let’s get coffee after class. I found a new spot downtown ;P."

You tried to look annoyed, but those big goofy green eyes of his made you give in, tucking the note into your pocket with a nod.

-------------------------

"No way. Frost was a genius!"

"Definitely not. Everything he wrote was either too obvious or too cryptic to be poetry." You took a slow sip of your scalding coffee with 3 sugars, happily goading Gabe into an all-out frenzy.

"Seriously?!" Gabe is livid. Hair awry, face red, and fists clenched. "You're like the smartest person I know, and now I think you're quite possibly the most uncultured!" He slammed his fist on the table, nearly over-turning his double chocolate chip iced mocha with extra chocolate syrup.

You laughed. "Gabe, you're going to need to control your temper if you want to win the debate next week. You have to metaphorically smash the competition, not literally." You remembered the time someone had pushed you over in the hallway while still in middle school, which resulted in Gabe being suspended for a week and the other kid being in the hospital for just as long.

"Hmm," Gabe sat down and took a long drink of his sugary concoction. "Oh," he straightened himself as if remembering something, "bacteria is the only culture some people have." He liked memes and knew you would appreciate the science-related joke.

You choked on your coffee in an attempt to keep it from flying across the table and onto your friend who is practically rolling on the floor with laughter.

While you're recovering from the near-death experience and hacking up a lung in the process, the cute barista smiles at you two from behind the counter. "Hey you should ask her out," you said to your friend who was known to flirt with any breathing female. "She seems nice," you wiggled your eyebrows, "and I'll bet she's domesticated."

"Yeah," Gabe shot the barista a smolder and a wink, nearly causing the woman to swoon right then and there, and said, "she's definitely more domestic than you are."

"Hey now, watch it." You threatened playfully.

The two of you returned to your coffee, reminiscing about your childhood. Catching bugs, wrestling in mud holes, skateboarding down the middle of the street, and eventually graduating to four-wheeling through the woods behind the neighborhood, were some of your most treasured memories. For many years, the two of you would always come home covered in mud, grass, or some odd mixture of the two. By the seventh grade, Gabe was starting to discover a love for theater. He wanted to write, produce, direct, and star in his very own works. You decided on almost the complete opposite. A quiet life on a farm, an honest life, sounded perfect. You had worked on friends' and family's cars for practice whenever you got your own car. You preferred domestic brands like Ford and Chevrolet, and eventually wound up with a pickup truck made the year before you were born. You enjoyed fishing and shooting competitions (you didn't hunt because you had a soft spot for animals, fishing was different, though). The oddity of your person was that you wanted a simple life, but you were so smart that your school advisor kept telling you to be a doctor. Interrupting your thoughts, the barista crept over, refilling your coffee and sliding Gabe a napkin with her number on it.

She left, and Gabe chuckled, bringing you the rest of the way back from memory lane, "There's nothing wrong with you not being totally domestic like cook, sew, have babies kinda thing. You're just...you. And there's no one else like you, so embrace that part of yourself."

"Aw, Gabe, you're making me blush," you mocked and made a pouty face at him.

"Watch it, princess, or I might turn my charm on and render you helpless." He smiled and put on his most suave air. Standing and extending his arm he added, "May I?"

Shaking your head in disbelief, you took one long gulp of your now-too-strong coffee (you hated getting your cup topped-off. It ruined the proportion of sugar to bean) and took his arm. "Where to?"

"Wherever you want to go, (Y\N)."

You laughed. He always knew how to get you to go along with his adventures. "Hmm," you thought a moment, "Fishing." You knew he hated fishing, but you wanted to see if he would go anyway.

"We went fishing last weekend," he whined.

You raised an eyebrow. Your big brown puppy-dog eyes ready to make him give in.

"Fine, fine, I did say wherever you wanted, just put away those weapons of mass destruction,” he teased, referring to your doe eyes, “but I get to pack the cooler."

"Just pack something non-diabetes-inducing for me, Hansel." Gabe had a real sweet-tooth. It was a miracle he didn't have a mouth full of fillings or diabetes.

----------------

That weekend, the lake was smooth as glass, the perfect sunset reflected as if another world lay beneath its surface. The fish were biting and the mosquitoes weren't: it was destined to be a great day. Until Gabe started snoring, leaned up against the cooler. Snoring is putting it lightly. He was sawing logs with chocolate on the corners of his wide-open mouth, clutching the small cooler with both arms.

You sighed, pushing him off the cooler and onto his stomach, noticing something shiny in his waistband. You cocked your head, wondering what it could be. Maybe a flashlight? Oh well, none of my business.

You fished for two more hours before waking Gabe. "Come on, man. Its not very gentlemanly to leave a girl unattended on an outing," you poked his ribs.

He swatted at your hand, murmuring and mostly asleep.

Unable to wake him conventionally, you went to grab his flashlight, planning to shine it in his eyes. As your fingers brushed the cold metal object, Gabe twisted around, grabbing your wrist, his eyes fully alert.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked harshly and accusingly.

"Chill. I was just trying to wake you up." You raised your hands more nervously than defensively, flexing your calf to make sure the knife was still sheathed at your ankle. Gabe would sometimes do this super-aggressive thing, and honestly? It worried you. You weren't scared, just prepared for the worst, and keeping your breathing level.

"Sorry, (Y/N)," Gabe rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, "you must've woke me up during a bad dream." You tossed him a candy bar, and he started to relax a bit, eyes shifting around the bank.

"That's bologna." You crossed your arms across your chest. "Why are you really on edge? And what's that?" You pointed to the silver object behind Gabe.

He sighed. "Flashlight."

"Show me," you challenged. You had known him as long as you could remember, and right now, he was lying. And he never lied to you. Ever. The one time he did, it was to keep you from seeing your dog that had just been hit by a speeding car. 

"Let's go somewhere else," he said and touched your forehead with two fingers.

One second, you're at the lake, the next, you're back in the coffee shop from before. Before Gabe can start explaining, you have the hunting knife unsheathed and in his face.

"What. The. Heck, Gabe?!" Snarling through bared teeth, you are barely holding it together. How am I in the coffee shop? We were just at the lake.

He scoffed. "Sit down, (Y/N). I have a lot to explain, and you have a lot to learn." He seemed irritated with you and oblivious to the knife in his face.

With your brow creased, you slowly sit down in the booth. Gabe snaps his fingers and a coffee, hot with 3 sugars, is in front of you, and his favorite sugary drink is in front of him. He takes a sip and a faint smile flickers across his face.

"My name is Gabriel, and I'm an angel." He quickly clarified, "An angel of the Lord. No. Not the harp-on-a-cloud type."

You are pretty sure your mouth is hanging open. He just answered the question you were thinking. Thinking. You managed, "Excuse me?"

Gabriela's mouth turns down, "Huh. I figured you'd take that worse than you did. Good job." He took another drink, gesturing for you to do the same.

You do so. It’s actually a really good blend. "Why are you here? I mean, are you on a secret mission or something?"

Gabriel smiles. "Oh, you don't know how right you are, kiddo."

Your head cocked to one side, asking the question for you.

"I'm your guardian angel. Well, I'm a lot of people's guardian angel, I just happen to really like you."

"Me?" You figured you must have fallen asleep at the lake, hit your head, and are now having trauma-induced visions. "I'm not special. Or interesting. Why are you really here?"

Gabe stood and gestured you walk with him. As the two of you wandered down the streets of the small town, he explained everything: Heaven, Hell, monsters, demons, angels, and even God, his dad. Turns out Gabe is really an archangel.

Everything starts to make sense to you: the perfect days when Gabe is with you, how you can remember things when he's around, and so much more. Like getting into your first choice college on a full scholarship.

"So," Gabe was approaching the reason why he was here, "you have a father."

“Well yeah, he died when I was little."

Gabe raises an eyebrow and smiles.

You are exasperated. “Oh come on, Gabe, that’s not funny.”

"Have I ever lied to you?" You didn't answer. He never had, not when it mattered. He always had your best interests at heart. "Exactly. Now listen, you have a father and two brothers who don't know you. Technically, there's a third, but no one knows about him yet either. They hunt these monsters and things, and they could use your help."

[stranger-who-writes-fiction]

no i never get used to silence

Fandom: Supergirl Rating: T (To be safe. There’s like. One ‘bad word.’) Summary: Kara does not do well with change. A/N: raise your hand if you’re a little disheartened at the lack of genfic coming out of a certain sister focused fandom week  

…

Kara loves the first day of school.

Has always loved the first day of school—or, whatever the Kryptonian equivalent would be. (Kara supposes the closest thing would have been the season following the Trials, when students were advanced to the next tier of lessons, and Guild Assessments were updated.)

It’s a little different on Earth (…okay maybe a lot different) but Kara loves it all the same.

Alex?

Not so much.

Not at first, anyway. Not at six thirty in the morning.

Kara knows this because she…maaaaybe gets a little excited, and maaaaaybe sets the alarm a little bit earlier than strictly necessary, and maaaaaybe has a hard time keeping quiet as she gets ready, and maaaaaaybe wakes Alex up accidentally-on-purpose.

And Alex grumbles into her pillow and blindly shoves Kara’s grinning face out of her personal space and tells her that it is way too early for this and human teenagers do not get this excited over high school, Kara. But Kara can hear the amusement, buried beneath the mild annoyance.

Today, though.

Today, her alarm goes off early, and she doesn’t want to get up.

Beep, beep, beep. She lets the alarm chirp for several long minutes, hunching further into her blankets.

Beep, beep, beep.

She reluctantly rolls over, reaching out to silence the clock. Her fingers brush the snooze button, and her gaze drifts towards the empty bed across the room.

The sight makes her throat burn. She quickly turns back to face the wall, twisting the fabric of her comforter in her fists.

She’s fine, she’s just…

Not great with change.

Eliza’s already up, making breakfast in the kitchen by the time Kara’s showered and dressed for school. She takes a seat at the table, working on a slouch that would make Alex very proud.

“Morning, sweetie,” Eliza says with a smile, walking over to drop a kiss on Kara’s temple. Kara hums a greeting, and wonders if she’s too depressed to make pancakes.

After some deliberation, the answer is, no, no she is not.

She gets up and starts poking through the cupboards, looking for the necessary ingredients. Eliza watches her, and then turns her attention to the digital clock on the microwave.

“Better put on a little super speed,” she teases Kara. “Someone’s running a bit late today.”

Kara forces a smile, but keeps her pace at a decidedly ‘normal human being’ level.

This does not go unnoticed by Eliza, who, after a few seconds, crosses the distance between them and wraps Kara in a tight, one-armed hug, rubbing her shoulder, soothing and slow.

“Kind of quiet around here, with just the two of us, huh?” she says, because if she says anything else, Kara will deny, deny, deny, and put on that unaffected smile, and pretend like everything’s fine.

Kara shrugs. “Kind of,” she says in a small voice.

“It’ll take some getting used to.”

“…Yeah.”

“So it’s okay, to be a little sad.”

Kara’s onto her by now, so she rolls her eyes, and insists that she’s fine, really. Eliza doesn’t press the matter. Instead, she opens the fridge, and pulls out a brown paper bag with Kara’s name scribbled on the side in black Sharpie.

“So you won’t be needing this lunch I made special for you? Because I made it specifically for ‘cheering up’ purposes, but if you’re fine—”

Kara tilts her glasses down and checks the contents of the bag, and then beams as she wraps Eliza in a (two-armed but tempered) hug.

“Thank you,” she says it a few times, interspersed with admissions of okay I do kind of miss Alex so I will definitely be needing those potstickers, yes, and Eliza just nods sagely.

“Mmm, thought so.”

Kara’s outlook brightens considerably as she gets back to measuring the Bisquick, her earlier sadness fading. She smiles to herself.

Maybe…she’s not so bad at change after all.

No, she’s definitely bad at change.

She realizes this right around fourth period. The entire morning has been spent going through the (admittedly tedious) motions of the first day—introductions, expectations, more introductions.

Which, normally, Kara doesn’t mind. Except that each class has gone more or less the same:

“Kara Danvers?” a teacher will say.

“Here,” Kara will answer.

“Danvers…do you have a sister?”

“Yeah, Alex.”

“I had Alex in (insert grade level and class here)! She graduated last year, right? How’s she doing?”

And of course, Kara would very proudly tell them that out of all of the Big Deal colleges that wanted her sister, Alex picked The Biggest Deal and is doing great, thanks.

And that was fine—Kara had no problem, telling her teachers how awesome her sister was.

But it did get her thinking about Alex, and how she was hundreds of miles away, as opposed to three classrooms over, and how she wouldn’t be waiting for Kara at lunch time, wouldn’t be at home after school…

Her throat burns again.

Her new math teacher has them playing 'two truths and a lie.’ Kara’s not paying attention—she’s staring out through the murky glass of the classroom windows, idly entertaining the thought of testing the limits of her super hearing, her telescopic vision.

If she listened hard enough, could she pick up Alex’s heartbeat, all those long miles away?

It’s dumb; she probably can’t.

(This does not stop her from trying.)

Not exactly her best idea—it’s a lot of stimuli to take in and filter past. It requires all of her concentration, her focus, her control.

She’s pretty sure she gets as far as the neighboring middle school, when suddenly—

“—ARA.”

Mr. Pang doesn’t shout it, but he might as well have, because it’s loud and close in Kara’s ear. She startles, jerking back in her chair, crushing the laminate particle board of her desk in the process.

Her teacher blinks in surprise, stepping back, staring at the destruction as Kara’s classmates laugh and guffaw in disbelief.

Kara stares back, terrified, because Rao, Alex hasn’t even been gone two weeks, and I’ve already blown my cover, and people are gonna find out I’m an alien, and, and—!

“…That’s…” her teacher starts to say, and then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, muttering about how it’s going to be a long year, dear God. “Great, just great, we’re short desks as it is.”

She isn’t detained and/or shuffled off to some Black Ops site for experimentation and dissection. Instead, she’s told that her parents might have to pay to replace the desk, but that probably won’t be the case. “These desks are literally falling apart,” Mr. Pang says, as he directs her to the spare, rolling desk chair at the TA desk up front. “But hey, don’t worry about it folks, we got nice new turf for the football field, isn’t that great?”

The rest of the class laughs at the sarcastic comment, and attention is shifted away from Kara, and back to…whatever it is they were covering while Kara spaced out. Kara does her best to stay on task after that, not wanting a repeat slip up. One ruined desk is a fluke. Two…is cause for questioning.

The day goes on, but that annoying burn lingers in the back of her throat. Because she’s embarrassed and missing Alex and just really wants to go home.

Three o'clock can’t come fast enough.

Kara walks home, after school. Eliza told her she could drive the Jetta, if she wanted, but Kara’s not a big fan of driving.

Besides, the late August sun feels nice, and there’s a bit of a breeze, coming off the ocean. It makes her feel a little less…awful. She briefly considers testing her super hearing again, but instead decides to train her ears on the dull roar of the waves, losing herself in the crash and hiss of the spray.

She kicks at some loose gravel, and accidentally sends a larger rock whizzing down the street and out of sight. Distantly, a cat yowls, and something large and metallic falls over. She sighs in frustration.

She misses Alex.

She misses Alex, and she’s bad at change, and she imagines coming home to a big, quiet house with just her and Eliza every day (and maybe not even Eliza, depending on how late she’s working) and the thought of being alone is enough to exacerbate that troublesome burn in the back of her throat; now, it’s a full-blown ache.

Eliza’s still at work by the time she gets home. She drops her backpack by the front door (which is Very Much Frowned Upon) and she kicks her shoes off, not caring where they land. She drags herself upstairs and falls into bed, face down, where she plans on staying for the rest of the school year.

She doesn’t know how many hours pass before she hears the car pull into the driveway, Eliza’s Notting Hill soundtrack skipping on track seven, like it always does. Eliza huffs a little as she gets out of the car (a relatively new development; Alex insisted it was arthritis, which led to an entirely too-long debate about the nuances of joint swelling.)

Kara manages a weak smile; Alex’s and Eliza’s numerous arguments over medical science always reminded her of when her dad and Uncle Jor would get into it at family dinners, bickering over anything and everything, from inefficient rocket propulsion to the outcome of the most recent Garata match.

Shockingly, this trip down memory lane does not make her feel any better. She curls onto her side and hugs her extra pillow close, so wrapped up in feeling miserable that she doesn’t notice Eliza’s presence until the mattress dips beside her, and Eliza’s hand is on her shoulder, once again rubbing soothing, slow circles.

“You should give Alex a call,” she suggests gently.

“Already tried,” Kara grumbles miserably, flopping an arm backwards, pointing towards her cell phone on the nightstand. “Voicemail.”

Eliza laughs lightly. “Maybe…try again a little later. You know how she is…she’s probably still busy settling in, adjusting to her classes, a new routine…”

“The new routine’s dumb,” Kara tells her, sniffling. She rubs at her eyes with the back of her hand, knocking her glasses to one side.

Eliza’s voice is soft and sympathetic. “It’ll get better, sweetie.” Kara grunts. “Well, alright, it’ll get easier. I promise.”

Eliza rubs her shoulder for a little bit, and eventually, Kara tells her about the desk incident at school. Eliza doesn’t get mad—she never gets mad…not at Kara, at least—but she does let out an exasperated sigh.

“No one suspected anything,” Kara makes sure to emphasize. Eliza nods.

“Having seen my fair share of classrooms…stranger things have happened.”

Kara’s curiosity is piqued. “Really?” she asks, wondering what on Earth could be weirder than her.

Thus, the evening is spent listening to Eliza recount various insane tales of her time in lecture halls and labs. Normally, she saves these sorts of stories for Alex—which Kara doesn’t mind. It’s…kind of their thing, and Kara tries not to intrude.

But she likes hearing about the annoying TAs and the centrifuge from Hell and the early, earnest efforts of Eliza and Jeremiah’s research that, more often than not, involved a lot of jury-rigging and therefore, a lot of duct tape. Clark sometimes makes an appearance, and Eliza makes sure to include all of the embarrassing details.

Kara’s feeling a lot better, when she tries calling Alex a second time, later that night.

She gets the voicemail again.

Kara’s good mood is gone. Seconds later, though, she gets a text. Sorry! Saw that you called just busy w/ class stuff. I’ll call you tomorrow! Try not to set anything on fire in the meantime lol

The prospect of having to wait almost a whole day to talk to Alex doesn’t exactly fill her with much enthusiasm, but it’s still better than nothing. She texts back a smiley face, along with a haha no fire yet did destroy school property tho in the hopes of prolonging the conversation, but Alex just sends back a XD, probably assuming that Kara’s joking, and that’s that.

So…she doesn’t feel as awful, but she doesn’t necessarily feel great, either.

She finds herself wandering downstairs late at night, long after Eliza’s gone to bed, unable to sleep in a room that feels a little more 'half empty’ than 'half full.’

Eliza finds her the next morning, sprawled out gracelessly on the couch, the Hello, Dolly! DVD menu music looping endlessly.

“Alright, up, up,” Eliza says, nudging her awake. Kara lets out an uncharacteristic growl. “None of that. We have places to be, come on.”

Kara pushes herself up, and blinks at the wall clock.

“…I’m late for school,” she says, a little bit shocked.

“You’re sick, so you’re not going,” Eliza tells her.

Kara opens her mouth to state the obvious: I don’t get sick, but Eliza holds up a hand. “All part of maintaining appearances. Also, I need help with something. Two birds, one stone.”

“What do you need help with?” Kara asks, still (pleasantly?) surprised that she gets to skip school. She’s…never done that before. (Sure, she and Alex talked about skipping school, but. Those plans never got much farther than the 'hypothetical’ stage.)

“Carrying some boxes,” Eliza says offhandedly, heading for the kitchen. “But mostly, keeping me company. I have a long drive, and all of my CDs skip. Conversation would be a vast improvement.”

Kara sits up straighter. “How…how long of a drive?”

“Mmm, six hours, give or take? Depending on traffic.” Slowly, Kara feels a smile tug at the corners of her mouth.  “So the sooner we get ourselves going, the bet—” Kara’s dressed and ready before she can finish the sentence, “—ter.”

“How many boxes? Should we pack anything else? Alex is gonna hate us.” Kara can barely stand still, she’s so excited.

“Mmm,” Eliza inclines her head towards the care package that she was going to mail, but. An in-person delivery might be better. “Not if we bring pie.”

Alex is horrified for maybe, like, five seconds.

“Oh my God, Mom, seriously? It’s barely been a week,” she says, groaning. But Kara barrels into her, hugging her tight, apologizing profusely. “Wait, why are you sorry? Did you break my CD player again?”

“I just…missed you a lot? It wasn’t Eliza’s idea. Well, I mean, it was her idea, but only because I was being a wimp…”

She also makes sure to mention the pie which, just as Eliza predicted, smooths everything over considerably.

“Not chocolate pecan,” Alex feigns surprise. Kara looks moderately offended.

“Of course not,” she says. “It’s for you, it should be your favorite.”

“Mmm. Mom made you a separate pie, didn’t she.”

“…Maybe.”

Alex rummages through the rest of the contents of the care package, recoiling slightly as she stumbles across Kara’s homemade card.

“Ugh. So much glitter,” she says, handling it gingerly. “This stuff never goes away.”

“That…is true.” Kara glances at her fingertips, some of which still bear the sparkly mark of glitter glue.

But Alex tacks it up on her bulletin board regardless, and thanks Kara for the thoughtful gifts. And for not eating any of the pie on the drive up.

(“It was a struggle,” Kara admits, and Eliza nods. “It was.”)

Once that’s done, the trio makes something of a show of hauling the remaining boxes upstairs—Alex had apparently forgotten a few remaining items for her dorm room, so the impromptu reunion can be passed off as something a little less damaging to Alex’s reputation.

They spend the rest of the afternoon simply catching up. At one point, Eliza excuses herself, mentioning a colleague she’d like to say hi to before they go.

So Alex decides to show Kara around—later, when she’s inevitably teased about her family showing up not even two weeks into classes, she can tell them that Kara’s interested in attending, possibly. The campus tour will help sell the story.

Really, though, she’s happy to see them—classes have been crazy enough to keep her from feeling too homesick, but once in a while, she’ll catch herself planning to tell Kara or her mom something at dinner, only to remember that’s…not exactly how it works, now.

And that realization is always a little…it’s a bit of a downer, sure. But, she reminds herself, looking over at her sister—she’s the older one. She has to be…something. Brave, strong? Set a good example, maybe? For Kara.

“I’m glad you came up to visit,” she says, throwing an arm around Kara’s shoulders. “But. Are you gonna come up here every time you get lonely? Because I do have classes to attend, you know.”

“You should try skipping,” Kara says with a smirk. “It’s pretty fun.”

“I’m gone one week and you’re playing hookie, destroying school property…what next? Grand theft auto?”

Kara wrinkles her nose.

“What would I do with a car?”

“Uh, drive it?”

“Mmm, pass.”

“Weirdo.” Alex laughs. “I know several people who would kill for a car. Public transit here sucks.”

“Good thing you don’t have to go far, I guess?” Kara says. Alex shrugs.

“I’d like to explore a bit,” she tells her. “But. I guess I’m with you. Not really in love with the idea of making car payments.” She shoves her hands in her pockets. “…Maybe a motorcycle.”

Kara stares.

“Eliza would kill you.”

“I’m joking,” Alex says. Kara doesn’t believe her, and her suspicion must show on her face, because Alex continues. “Really, I am. Mostly, anyway. …Whatever. It’s not gonna happen anyway, I’ve now joined the ranks of poor, pitiful, destitute college students.”

“I’ve read they mostly survive on Ramen,” Kara says with a completely straight face. Alex snorts.

“Yeah, Ramen and Red Bull. That’s what you should’ve put in the care package.”

Kara shakes her head.

“Pie is way better,” she declares passionately.

Alex laughs. “No argument there.”

They stay through dinner, but not for much longer after that. It’s not ideal, having to drive back the same day, but unfortunately necessary, as Eliza has to be back in Midvale for a meeting tomorrow morning.

“Thanks for bringing the lamp and stuff,” Alex gestures back towards the dorms. “Saved me a trip back home.”

“You should still come. Back home. Sometime,” Kara blurts. “Eventually, I mean.”

“Well, duh.”

“Like, before Thanksgiving Break,” Kara amends, stepping forward and hugging Alex goodbye. She drops her head onto her sister’s shoulder—they’re about the same height now, so it’s not so much a drop as a lean, but either way it works.

“I will,” Alex promises. “But…I do…have to be here. And go to classes. And be on my own a bit,” she reminds her sister gently. “That’s…kinda why I picked this school. I wanted a change, you know?”

Kara thinks change is highly overrated. And, though she knows going away to college is A Thing Young People Do, the idea of being sent off, far from home, far from the people you love, with the weighty burden of adult responsibility?

She’s already done that once. Wasn’t great.

But she’s not Alex, and Alex isn’t her; she knows that her sister was indeed ready for a change by the time her Senior year rolled around. Ready for someplace besides Midvale. And she knows that Alex is going to do amazing things here.

So she’s going to be…brave? Strong? Not be such a wimp, maybe? For Alex.

“Yeah,” she says, nodding. “Yeah. I get it.”

“You’ll be fine, alright?” Alex grins. “Just. Don’t be late for Mr. Nelson’s class. And Ms. Harris isn’t tolerable until she’s had coffee so like, keep a low profile until you’re certain she has caffeine on board.”

“Okay,” Kara says, making a mental list. She’s feeling better, about the days ahead. Alex says she can do this.

And so, she can.

“I’ll be better about calling, though,” Alex adds, hugging her back. “And, seriously. Quit breaking shit.”

“Alex,” Eliza says, and Kara hides her giggles.

“'Kay,” she says. “I’ll quit breaking…stuff.”

“Thank goodness one of my children is polite,” Eliza gives Alex a pointed look as she hugs her. Kara steps back, and does her best not to listen in as Eliza murmurs something to Alex. (Though, she hears something that sounds a lot like 'proud’ and, judging by the way Alex’s  mouth involuntarily pulls into a bashful grin, Kara’s certain that whatever it was? Was good.)

“Stay out of trouble,” Eliza calls from the car as they pull out. “No visible tattoos or tongue piercings, alright?”

Alex waves. “How about a motorcycle?”

“Alex Danvers, no,” Eliza says firmly. “Love you, sweetie.”

“Love you too, Mom, Kara. Bye!”

“Bye!”

They wave and holler until the campus parking lot fades from view.

They’re not even on the freeway yet, when Kara’s phone goes off. She looks down. A text from Alex that simply reads,

Love you, sis.

P.S. Alex YES.

NOTES:

- I have kept Alex’s college deliberately vague, because I’ve honestly forgotten what the show has established re: her education, but. One can probably guess whereabouts I put her, based on the travel time. - Upon further reflection, I’m 96% certain the care package bit is the result of a/inspired by a discussion w/ @thatsjustsupergirl so. Credit where credit is due. - Clint Barton is great at boats; Kara Danvers is not great at cars.

[jokermatt]

Vworp! Vworp? Click-bait of course – we all know the Doctor Who experience will never end! Still though, in one corner of Cardiff Bay, it has.

The BBC’s Doctor Who Experience closed this weekend, ending the fourth permanent, but significant exhibition in the world’s longest running science fiction show’s history. A permanent exhibit to the corporation’s premier franchise that’s suddenly become a whole lot ephemeral. But just as its creation was made possible by the show’s huge resurgence in the middle of last decade, as much as the rise of ‘experience’ entertainment, its demise doesn’t signal the end of Doctor Who‘s so-far 54-year journey.

There’s no doubt that Doctor’s Who‘s lost some of the sheen it recovered 12 years ago, just as it waxed and waned over the 26 years of its original run. After its 2005 return, kids were talking about that weekend’s show on the bus to school on a Monday morning, for the first time in decades. Those kids of 9 or 10 are now 21 and 22. Times change, even for an ever-changing show like Doctor Who. Audiences change along with their Doctors. And so do Doctor Who exhibitions.

The Past

The first permanent exhibition to Doctor Who was set up at the seat of the Marquesses of Bath, the stately Longleat. Alongside the growing safari. It set the standard walk-through of costumes, props and exhibit cards that were as close to an immersion that young and old fans could get, whilst ocassionally hosting some events, like the 20th anniversary party in 1983. Longleat was big on those big anniversaries, running from 1973 until 2003, and was my first visit to a Whobition – a word I will never use again.

Like Behind the Sofa at London’s defunct Museum of Moving Image, which I visited during thatsame mid-1990s period, my strongest memories remain, in no particular order, Daleks and the blister packed Dapol models in the shop afterwards. Count them down: Seventh Doctor, Tetrap, Mel… It’s worth noting that my few brushes with Doctor Who as a child it bloody petrified me. Being scared is a great thing. My first memory – although it may appeal to some fans – is Colin Baker land-drowning at the cliffhanger of the penultimate episode of The Trial of  Time Lord. I grew up on the coast, but not near hand quick-hand-sand.

Along the South Coast, Brighton’s Palace Pier (the only one left, horizontal) hosted a small, but prestigious and official exhibition in 2005. The lean years of the show’s prolonged hiatus between 1989 and 2005 had been partially bridged by Longleat and the resurgent Blackpool exhibition. originally open as a permanent installation from 1974 to 1985, that Golden Mile exhibition folded in 1985 not for a regeneration but a “re-evalutation”, coincidentally during the show’s 18-month mid-80s hiatus. Its second life ran from 2004 to just before the show’s anniversary in 2009 – but I never made it to either incarnation.

Back to Dapol, the factory that gave us those distinctive 1980s action action figures, enabling children everywhere to recreate Time and the Rani,  hosted is own exhibition, Dapol Dr Who Experience, between 1994 and 2003 in Llangollen. I never made it to that either, although the figures persist.

In 2008, with the show at peak Tennant and its fourth television series since returning, a well put together show was hosted at Earls Court Exhibition Centre for just under a year. Never intended as permanent, coincidentally that ended in the year of Specials – a hiatus by any other name.

Then in 2011, London Olympia2 hosted the brand new Experience, a new interactive development of the old props and history format. It ran for one year, before relocating to Cardiff to replace the semi-permanent Doctor Who Exhibition Cardiff that at the capital’s Red Dragon Centre that ran between 2005 and 2011. The London Experience was a whole different level. While it ended with a comprehensive tour of props, costumes and merchandise, the main draw was the interactive storyline that dragged willing family groups through a ready-made storyline, combining pre-recorded film with the Doctor himself, animated sets, classic monsters and a ground-breaking 3d segment that recalled early IMAX trips to that new dimension.

Of course, it was all helped by marvelous zeitgeist. It opened in the prime of the new series’ first reboot, with the arrival of the Eleventh Doctor, tying directly into storylines set out by the show’s fifth series and picking up from the three-dimensional vortex promos that accompanied that new era. But as well-knitted into the fabric of the show as it was, enhancing the immersion, it was always going to be the dating element. As the ‘cracks in time’device that effectively brought us into the show collapsed into a tangle of on-screen plotting over inconsistently broadcast series, it became a piece of historical interest far more quickly than the old exhibits ever had. As with many of the new era exhibitions, items would arrive as series were made, disappearing as they were recalled. it was a natural rhythm, when the series ran consistently.

In summer 2012 the Experience opened in Cardiff Bay, in a new 3,000 sq m building at Porth Teigr, handily near to the BBC’s Roath Lock studios, where Doctor Who is produced, aiding the ins and outs of props. Expected to attract up to 250,000 visitors a year, it was hailed as a further coup for the Cardiff Bay development and a further boost for the clocal economy delivered by temporal rift. I visited that incarnation of the Experience once at its opening in London, then in Cardiff, accompanied by, after a rain-soaked run, a trip around the TARDIS studio itself.

And then last month I took a trip to Cardiff for one final, sign-off visit to the Experience.

The Present

With the arrival of the Twelfth Doctor, the dated crack in time plot was deemed just that bit too passé. That earlier trip had served up some nice moments in its guided urgency, not least a trip into the off-screen Dalek civil war which went just a little way to explain the quick repealling of the multi-coloured New Paradigm Daleks in the show. As of 2014, a new storyline written by Joe Lidster brought things up to the Twelfth Doctor, making use of some sets – anachronistically the early Eleventh Doctor TARDIS remained – and twisting the scripted journey, spattered with some great scripting, but lacking the buzz of the television linked original, into a new shape.

As fun as it was – if you ever think it isn’t amazing, picture that desolate ’90s hole when the show’s fire was tended by a mere few thousand fans – there remains something wonderfully BBC about it all. The concept, not as strong in the Capaldi era as the former Smith Experience, was a little tattered around the edges come the end, the staff almost imperceptibly haggard. Camera phones are forbidden on the journey, but there was surely a day when enforcing that rule fell into the concept.

the Experience should haev soared to the end, but that seldom happens in Who. Like the show itself, 12 years on from its glorious resurgence. A trail traipsing between Angels lacked bite, the visit to the underside of the TARDIS was missing some sparkle (really, because it recalls the awful Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS). There was nothing to match the Dalek fighting in the first, but the pepper pots gave it a go, as we sought suspiciously kryptonion shards that could sort the merry temporal mess out. Perhaps the highlight lay in the past. While the 3d finale wasn’t as captivating and centre-stage as the previous version, it ended on Totter’s Lane, where the story began. There it broke through into the exhibition, with the TARDIS set and production notes of 1963, brought to screen for the 50th anniversary with An Adventure in Time and Space.

As Steven Moffat always propounds, a little too much, Doctor Who‘s a show about change. And time for change it is. So the Experience ends with its second and final Doctor. Concept experiences remain strong, perhaps stronger now than when it opened – certainly in London. In Cardiff, although filled by the promotion surrounding its final summer, its shelf-life is apparent. A root around the Experience merchandise shop, highlighted it. Pride of place fell to the new Mr Men tie-in range, but everything else felt flat and familiar. It’s a luxury for the brand, where every T-shirt, DVD and mug once gleamed new.

The trick remains in the exhibition that follows the tour, wonderful, expansive and still continually updating, it’s a far cry from the crawl past zygons and krynoids at Longleat or through Cassandra on Brighton Pier. The fad for the Experience is likely to stick and develop. Doctor Who and BBC Worldwide will return to the theme. But as contrary and awkward as the show it celebrates, it’s the exhibition that retains the ageless class. And unlike the walkthrough, it’s a photographers’ dream. I’ll miss these unscripted trips tothe past. Until the next time. The next Experience.

The Gallery

Out of the Vault

Ring upgrade

Bakers hands

Angel Power

Mummy shake

Morbius claw

Cyber heads

Cyber legion

War Doctor TARDIS

Console

Clara memorial

Recreating The Leisure Hive

Sleepy

Hanging Silents

Mr Sweet

Classic Daleks

Classic Daleks

New Paradigm Daleks

Bloody Monks

New Mondas

Emperor Davros

New Davros

Season 18 Console

Facing the Raven

Special Weapons

Exterminate?

Blue cat future

Console

Blue doors

Console room mood

HDoctor Who Experience – hello Menoptera!ello Menoptera!

Invasion of Earth

The Beginning

The News 23 November 1963

Out of the Vault

Ring upgrade

Bakers hands

Angel Power

Mummy shake

Morbius claw

Cyber heads

Cyber legion

War Doctor TARDIS

Console

Clara memorial

Recreating The Leisure Hive

Sleepy

Hanging Silents

Mr Sweet

Classic Daleks

Classic Daleks

New Paradigm Daleks

Bloody Monks

New Mondas

Emperor Davros

New Davros

Season 18 Console

Facing the Raven

Special Weapons

Exterminate?

Blue cat future

Console

Blue doors

Console room mood

HDoctor Who Experience – hello Menoptera!ello Menoptera!

Invasion of Earth

The Beginning

The News 23 November 1963

Doctor Who: End of the Experience Vworp! Vworp? Click-bait of course - we all know the Doctor Who experience will never end! Still though, in one corner of Cardiff Bay, it has.

[seongkiran-blog]

( i’m sobbing she’s precious )

hi guys, i’m jules and i’m so excited to be a part of this rp !! i just saw that my app was in all caps by mistake bc my phone likes to fuck with me like that and i’m cringing omg. so i applied a few days ago but life got super hectic and i only just reapplied now that i’ve come up for air rip. but this is my eternally fucked, lowkey honey girl kiran who thinks she’s stoic and intimidating af but more often than not has the smallest of smiles at the v least on her face. here’s some basic — & extensive, sorry lmao — info about her ( TW: death, self-destructive behaviour, adjustment disorder/situational depression ) :

born seong kiran/kiran diana seong on march 12, 1997

scarborough, canada born and raised to first-gen korean-canadian parents

the epitome of a bitter smol™ that’s prepared to fight over everything (stubborn brat )

has twin five year old siblings that she fucking adores, which is a big deal since she doesn’t care intensely for many people

her parents were both only kids that ventured into science-based careers; her mom was a pharmacist at her late grandparents’ small clinic and her dad was a neurosurgeon at toronto gen hospital, so they were upper-middle class you could say

s u c k e d at making friends in her formative years and when she did, they didn’t stay for v long

plenty of chances for her to find new friends though since the gta is huge and has a ton of other kids around so it wasn’t all in vain

also her vanity when she was a kid was prob a turn off for others lol

smart af, like english? a’s. math? a’s french? a+

eventually didn’t suck at the whole friend thing and had a small group of people she grew rather fond of

she ended up graduating as valedictorian and was accepted to mcgill to study pre-med and become a neurosurgeon just like papa seong

always wanted to follow in his footsteps, so it came as no surprise to her parents

( TW: DEATH ) during her midterm break in her first sem, her parents decided to take the family to their cabin near muskoka for a weekend away from the city/suburbs

they were a little over halfway there when her dad tried to veer the suv away from a moose in the middle of their lane, but wasn’t successful

kiran was conscious during the whole thing, though she sustained a concussion and the twins were unharmed in their carseats; however their mother died on impact and their father suffered from a cranial injury ( .. i only just realized how ironic and morbid this is after working with this muse for a while oh my g o d )

she went with the twins to the hospital and was inconsolable over the loss of her mother alone, while her father was in critical condition and the outlook was promising, though not certain

he was put in a medically induced coma after being operated on and she and her godparents ( who advised her on the whole thing since they were docs themselves ) decided to hold out hope for a recovery

the twins were put in her care and she was left to deal with the burden of their loss, her education and the obvious, her brother and sister’s newfound dependency on her

she withdrew from the few people she became close to over the years, her grades began to slip as well, and she was always weighed down by grief and anxiety

she tried to stay in school while taking care of the twins, but it was becoming more and more difficult to do so. she just managed to keep her head above water throughout the rest of the first sem though

moved out of res, into an apartment and relocated the twins for the time being to see if she could pull it off

( TW: SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR ) add the fact that a part of her began to question if she could really follow in her dad’s footsteps, and that she let further anxiety from the pressures of making her parents proud get to her and she was soon on a downward spiral

she slipped away from her academics and was slowly becoming a poor guardian; soon, kiran was partying too hard and winding up in the hospital or a stranger’s dorm, skipping labs, and was generally a lost cause when the twins were under the care of a sitter

failed a couple of courses by the end of the second semester and had her godparents flying out to crack down on her dumb ass

felt hopeless and lost, but especially so when she posed the risk of losing the only family that she had left, realizing how selfish her actions were and trying to amend her mistakes

dropped out of mcgill for the time being and took up a job as a retail clerk to provide for the three of them ( despite inheriting their mom’s estate and all, as she put the money that came from it into the kids’ savings )

was soon in the clear in her godparents’ opinion and has tried to do right by her parents and siblings since then

after losing herself for a while, she found that she was right back to where she started with friend-making, but rather than it being her just not knowing how, it was that she didn’t want to let people in after everything that had happened

she didn’t remain a loner, but she didn’t have a ride or die by any means

for the sake of her a.d and bc of the bad memories that t.o and mtl held, she found herself relocating to greenville of all places

but deep down she knows mama seong would be happy about the kids growing up in a smaller town than near dt toronto

about four months after settling in, she began attending a nearby college in what would have been her fourth semester and has since maintained a high gpa after retaking the courses she fucked up in

her dad has since woken up, but he’s going through extensive forms of therapy to restore his motor, neurological, etc functions

she’d be back in t.o if her godparents hadn’t advised against it since it was still rly overwhelming for him and his three kids ( two of whom wouldn’t rly know him either ) coming back prob wouldn’t help ??

still has nightmares from the accident, the girl’s scarred for life and is thankful that the twins were too young to remember

sees a psychiatrist at the behest of her godmother bc she rly can’t cope by herself in all of this but she doesn’t like to burden others with her problems ( doesn’t like people knowing much about her regardless but )

now to her personality and extra facts ig ??? this has gotten so out of hand already, sTOP ME

the most stubborn chick alive, will never admit she’s wrong unless you weasel it out of her with some heavy guilt-tripping

she used to be a fucking NIGHTMARE to most people before everything went awry, still can be but it’s more or less an act with a little bit of it also being herself

a true instagram addict, which makes sense bc she can be p vain at times

rather intuitive tbh

can be insightful as well

feigns annoyance and boredom with people/their antics

some weird ass detachment method on her part that she didn’t shake, but question her on it and she’ll shut it tf down

but is still genuinely, easily irritated all the same ?? not even i understand this chick

curses like a sailor is she isn’t too curt in her responses

has a problem with trusting others, feels like she can only truly rely on herself so if you break through that barrier then congrats ig

she won’t make it obvious though, she’s a sociable being and will actually take to you if you pique her interest with free booze or a wild story

just don’t expect her to surrender much of her life story, but she’ll also get a bit offended if you don’t offer a bit of your own ??

the most annoying internalizer of emotions ever if you’re actually friends with her, 110% will not confide in you if you’re not one of four or five people in her life

also fears loss more than anything, so she isn’t close to many people for BOTH the trusting aspect, as well as wanting to spare herself the pain of watching more loved ones die or leave

but if you’re one of the v select few people she’s let in completely, she’ll never let you go. she’s the definition of loyal and will legit die for you

so so devoted to her little brother and sister, like she loves them more than anything and does everything so that they can succeed when they’re older

all of the sports acceptable for kindergarteners, music lessons, ballet, you name it, she’s got them registered

puts them before herself all the fucking time, her mom wouldn’t be impressed with her putting herself last as opposed to finding equilibrium

anyways, point is, you’ll never see her be more affectionate and joyful than with her family, godparents included

her being good with other kids though ?? she’s been working on it and she’s coming around

still can’t stand screaming brats though lmao

will be super polite to even her enemy’s parents mostly bc fuck that person.. unless their parents aren’t pleasant people either, then she’ll be unpleasant right back lmao

trust me when i say that she has a heart of gold and will do what’s morally right, is so so soft but will forever be in denial like i cannOT STRESS ENOUGH

defensive pessimism at its finest

fluent in french and korean

memes are lowkey the way to her heart

well, memes and food ofc

such a poutine hoe™

sci fi junkie

here for aesthetically pleasing everything

her place is almost never in disorder, oddly enough

quite the party girl, though not the same as when she was a frosh, is able to control herself when there aren’t too many stressors plaguing her

queer af, doesn’t know what her sexuality is but she knows she isn’t straight ( but for all intents and purposes, she’s pansexual )

she just needs someone else to take care of her honestly, she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself lmao

trying her best™ to be better in general but change doesn’t happen overnight so she’s not rushing into it, aka she’s still comfortable with being a bit of an asshole for as long as possible

you sometimes won’t know who she is from one day to the next, kind of the personification of a wild ride

so that’s kiran, if you’d like to plot just hmu or like this and i’ll come to you !! i’ll link some possible connections later bc my laptop’s about to die and i can’t find the charger anywhere ? @my mom, pls stop moving my stuff, it’s giving me more heart palpitations than my econ final last month

[noeulchoi-blog]

alert: noeul choi has accepted your request. she is currently twenty-one years old, cisfemale and a retail assistant but aspires to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. they are described to be steadfast & reticent. rumor has it that [ redacted ]. could it be true? we’ll find out. — ( jeon somin, k, she/her, at )

in the box: a brand new, 256gb macbook air to replace the laptop that she’s had for years. she felt the need to hold off on a necessary upgrade to be able to support herself and her family

( .. her cuteness kills me )

hey everyone, i’m k and i’m excited to be a part of this rp !! so it’s wednesday and yet i’m still as emo as ever about bts at the bbmas bc mY BOYS !!!! anyways this is my eternally fucked, lowkey honey girl noeul who’s been through some shit. here’s some basic — & extensive, sorry lmao — info about her ( TW: death, self-destructive behaviour, adjustment disorder/situational depression ) :

born noeul emilia choi/choi noeul on march 12, 1996

pronounced “no-ewl” but she goes by “noel” for the most part since it’s easier for most lol

etobicoke, canada born and raised to first-gen korean-canadian parents

the epitome of a bitter smol™ that’s prepared to fight over everything ( stubborn brat )

has twin five year old siblings that she fucking adores, which is a big deal since she doesn’t care intensely for many people

her parents were both only kids that ventured into science-based careers; her mom was a pharmacist at her late grandparents’ small clinic and her dad was a cardiothoracic surgeon at toronto gen hospital, so they were upper-middle class you could say

s u c k e d at making friends in her formative years and when she did, they didn’t stay for v long

plenty of chances for her to find new friends though since the gta is huge and has a ton of other kids around so it wasn’t all in vain

also her vanity when she was a kid was prob a turn off for others lol

smart af, like english? a’s. math? a’s french? a+

eventually didn’t suck at the whole friend thing and had a small group of people she grew rather fond of

she ended up graduating as valedictorian and was accepted to mcgill to study pre-med and become a cardiothoracic surgeon just like papa choi

always wanted to follow in his footsteps, so it came as no surprise to her parents

( TW: DEATH ) during her midterm break in her first sem, her parents decided to take the family to their cabin near muskoka for a weekend away from the city/suburbs

they were a little over halfway there when her dad tried to veer the suv away from a moose in the middle of their lane, but wasn’t successful

noeul was conscious during the whole thing, though she sustained a concussion and the twins were unharmed in their carseats; however their mother died on impact and their father suffered from a cranial injury

she went with the twins to the hospital and was inconsolable over the loss of her mother alone, while her father was in critical condition and the outlook was promising, though not certain

he was put in a medically induced coma after being operated on and she and her godparents ( who advised her on the whole thing since they were docs themselves, i have a huge backstory for even her parents haha ) decided to hold out hope for a recovery

the twins were put in her care and she was left to deal with the burden of their loss, her education and the obvious, her brother and sister’s newfound dependency on her

she withdrew from the few people she became close to over the years, her grades began to slip as well, and she was always weighed down by grief and anxiety

she tried to stay in school while taking care of the twins, but it was becoming more and more difficult to do so. she just managed to keep her head above water throughout the rest of the first sem though

moved out of res, into an apartment and relocated the twins for the time being to see if she could pull it off

( TW: SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR ) add the fact that a part of her began to question if she could really follow in her dad’s footsteps, and that she let further anxiety from the pressures of making her parents proud get to her and she was soon on a downward spiral

she slipped away from her academics and was slowly becoming a poor guardian; soon, noeul was partying too hard and winding up in the hospital or a stranger’s dorm, skipping labs, and was generally a lost cause when the twins were under the care of a sitter

failed a couple of courses by the end of the second semester and was under investigation by cps for her lack of responsibility over the kids

felt hopeless and lost, but especially so when she posed the risk of losing the only family that she had left, realizing how selfish her actions were and trying to amend her mistakes

dropped out of mcgill for the time being to prove herself to the twins’ social worker and took up a job as a retail clerk to provide for the three of them ( despite inheriting their mom’s estate and all, as she put the money that came from it into the kids’ savings )

was soon in the clear and has tried to do right by her parents and siblings since then

after losing herself for a while, she found that she was right back to where she started with friend-making, but rather than it being her just not knowing how, it was that she didn’t want to let people in after everything that had happened

she didn’t remain a loner, but she didn’t have a ride or die by any means

noeul eventually returned to mcgill in what would have been her third year and has since maintained a high gpa after retaking the courses she fucked up in

her dad has since woken up, but he’s going through extensive forms of therapy to restore his motor, neurological, etc functions

for that reason, she figured that she should transfer guardianship to her godparents for the time being, as she wanted to see her family ( or what remained of it ) reconnect more than anything and that would be impossible while her dad’s in toronto and she and the twins are in montreal

relocated to la on impulse ( .. dumbass ) bc she felt like mcgill held too many bad memories ( that and warmer weather ?? fuck yes ) so she transferred to ucla

still has nightmares from the accident, the girl’s scarred for life and is thankful that the twins were too young to remember

sees a psychiatrist at the behest of the social worker bc she rly can’t cope by herself in all of this

now to her personality and extra facts ig ??? this has gotten so out of hand already, sTOP ME

the most stubborn chick alive, will never admit she’s wrong unless you weasel it out of her with some heavy guilt-tripping

she used to be a fucking NIGHTMARE to most people before everything went awry, still can be but it’s more or less her being herself and not putting on an act

a true instagram addict, which makes sense bc she can be p vain at times

rather intuitive tbh

can be insightful as well

feigns annoyance and boredom with people/their antics

some weird ass detachment method on her part that she didn’t shake, but question her on it and she’ll shut it tf down

but is still genuinely, easily irritated all the same ?? not even i understand this chick

curses like a sailor is she isn’t too curt in her responses

has a problem with trusting others, feels like she can only truly rely on herself so if you break through that barrier then congrats ig

she won’t make it obvious though, she’s a sociable being and will actually take to you if you pique her interest with free booze or a wild story

just don’t expect her to surrender much of her life story, but she’ll also get a bit offended if you don’t offer a bit of your own ?? 

the most annoying internalizer of emotions ever if you’re actually friends with her, 110% will not confide in you if you’re not one of four or five people in her life

also fears loss more than anything, so she isn’t close to many people for BOTH the trusting aspect, as well as wanting to spare herself the pain of watching more loved ones die or leave

but if you’re one of the v select few people she’s let in completely, she’ll never let you go. she’s the definition of loyal and will legit die for you

so so devoted to her little brother and sister and still takes on the role of guardian despite them not being together for the time being

you’ll never see her be more affectionate and joyful than with her family, godparents included

her being good with other kids though ?? she’s still working on that

will be super polite to even her enemy’s parents mostly bc fuck that person.. unless their parents aren’t pleasant people either, then she’ll be unpleasant right back lmao

defensive pessimism at its finest

fluent in french and korean

memes are lowkey the way to her heart

well, memes and food ofc

such a poutine hoe™

sci fi junkie

here for aesthetically pleasing everything

her place is almost never in disorder, oddly enough

quite the party girl, though not the same as when she was a frosh, is able to control herself when there aren’t too many stressors plaguing her

queer af, doesn’t know what her sexuality is but she knows she isn’t straight ( but for all intents and purposes, she’s pansexual )

she just needs someone else to take care of her honestly, she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself lmao

basically you won’t rly know who she is from one day to the next, the personification of a wild ride

so that’s noeul, if you’d like to plot don’t hesitate to message me, or like this and i’ll come to you !! i’ll link some connections in a bit

[247krp]

— Rejoice, little lambs! We have recovered our own Lee Mira, spotted prancing about in the Northeast Side. I remember seeing her with The Outsiders back in high school, but I’m not here to spill yesterday’s tea. So straight to the rundown: can you say honest and absent-minded? Apparently now she spends time as a forensic science intern and student, and keeps skeletons buried at Banjeom Apartments, 404 . But those won’t stay hidden for long, if you and I have any say on it. Welcome back, Beauty; we missed you so.

In case you don’t remember the devil’s name, here’s to refresh your memory:

The girl at the bottom of the food chain, she swore there was a different category created just for her. She was quiet, timid, and unseen, the exact opposite of the elite of the school and it irked her. They all had their status and looks to get them by while she had nothing but her smarts and ambition and she knew that those two things were not going to cut it in this world. So she changed herself, the way she dressed and acted around others just to make herself known. That maybe someone at the bottom can bring themselves to the top without the help of money and status. Somehow, she did. The natural beauty caught everyone’s attention from The Outsiders group. How does a beautiful swan end up in the nest of ugly ducklings? Mira was slowly brought up, being invited to parties and meeting new people, which now she did not mind. Her group was slowly deteriorating, given that she did not want to be seen with them anymore, she did not want to fall with it.

Nevermind the memory lane though, the present is always the ripest fruit:

Mira redefined herself to be the best version there is. After her regrettable past, she pushed herself to change who she was. She now has a realist type of mind that she will scoff at mostly anything else that isn’t supported by facts. Although stubborn in that sense, she is surprisingly flexible with other people’s opinions but it won’t stop her from thinking they’re incompetent. She has grown to be independent in certain aspects of her life , but understands when work should be distributed and will work out a problem with them. She listens and observes before speaking and once she speaks, she makes sure she is heard by the end of it. The status of friends or lover doesn’t have a sturdy place in her heart. If you betray her, that is the end of it all. She holds herself higher than anyone else because at the end of the day, it’s only her and her family.

But we are nothing if not open books – my job is to ensure you get to the best pages:

Mira lived in constant shame and embarrassment. When other people looked at her and her family, they questioned if she were really their child. Her mother had a square face with  monolid eyes and her father had rough features, flat nose, and thin lips. She on the other hand had almond shaped eyes, refined nose, and plump lips that magically match her mothers (as some would claim). She tried her best to ignore the people because she loved her parents, but with time their words were affecting her. Mira began to notice the differences, at least until people began to talk and it led to feel ashamed to see them out of public. They would comment of her beauty, but would trash talk her parents whenever given the change. From her middle school days to her high school, her feelings had only grown stronger to the point of lying to others of her parents, claiming they were away on trips and those people are her aunt and uncle. Mira would say anything that can cover the fact just so she won’t get bullied any longer and leave her parents alone.

Mira met someone from The Outsiders which promptly granted her a spot in their group of friends. She was content knowing she had people to go to at the end of a stressful day in Cheongnam with the elites and Gossip Girl turning the whole school into her playground. But soon enough, the problems outside began to affect the group, finding little things that bothered them about those higher than them and it had gotten into her head as well. Mira couldn’t help but be slightly envious of those who have the power over the school. She wanted to be part of that and the only way she knew how was to change who she was and change the people she hung around with. It first started with her clothes. From loose raggedy clothes to whatever was “in-style,” she did her best to stand out among her group of friends. It was working for a bit, but she knew there needed to be more. Second came her personality. From the shy girl, Mira began to start conversations with others. Although they were awkward at first, her speech classes and real world experiences were slowly helping her to gain confidence in speaking with others and even with groups of people. Soon more and more people began to notice her and began to compliment on her looks, just like before- only this time her parents weren’t around to compare and she hoped for it to stay that way.

One thing turned into another, creating a chain reaction of pure madness in her new life and the life that used to be. Not only did she lose people who cared for her, but lost something inside herself that she could not point out what that something is. She just felt like an empty shell. Her parents, even after the way she treated them secretly, picked her up like they always have and helped her regain parts of herself that she had dropped throughout her journey to that elite spot she was hungry for, but she didn’t give it all up just yet. Her life in Cheongnam sparked that lost ambition in her heart that helped her move on with her life. With the help of her family, whom she learned to love more than anyone in the world, she went to a prestigious university of 4 years to becoming an intern at the police department as a Forensic scientist. Mira is in love with her life, thinking that maybe this could be it. The turning point of her life, but one message from Gossip Girl, after all these years, has Mira on her toes. Reading the names of people she used to know… Why is she bringing it all up now?

[tzudism]

Memory Lane: Maybe It’s Better

Chapter 8:

It had been a few months since that day. Chaeyoung and I don’t talk much anymore ever since she and Mina started dating, well except the occasional hi and bye as we pass by each other around the halls or in science class. I wasn’t hurting as much anymore. Now whenever I happen to see Chaeyoung and Mina getting all touchy feely around each other, I just get annoyed like I would any other couple out there. I mean honestly, unless you’re the one doing it, no one enjoys PDA at all. Dahyun tried to introduce me to a bunch of different people for a while, like this kid named Jungkook who looked like he was good at literally everything. He was captain of half the sports teams and could sing and dance better than anyone at school. I told her he seemed too perfect, people like that usually have something they’re hiding from everybody to keep their perfect image intact. I wasn’t interested in any more drama, so I told Dahyun to stop trying to introduce me to people. I just wanted to enjoy the rest of the school year drama free. Little did I know that wasn’t going to happen. One day, I was in the library trying to get some studying done after school, when a girl came up to me.

“Hi Tzuyu!”

I looked up and this girl looked a little familiar, but I wasn’t quite sure from where.

“I’m so sorry, but do I know you from somewhere?”

“Oh you don’t remember me? I’m Sana, I actually dated your friend Dahyun back in freshman year haha.”

“Oh that’s right! I am so sorry, you dyed your hair, I didn’t realize you went from blonde to black.”

“Oh its fine, Dahyun and I dated like two years ago and it wasn’t for long I don’t expect you to remember.”

Oh. You’re probably wondering, “You never mentioned Dahyun dated anybody!” Well, the reason for that is because Dahyun goes through dates like she goes through aloe sanitizer bottles. In case you don’t understand, that’s a lot. I hardly ever have a chance to remember one person’s name, because once I do she’s on to the next one. The only reason I remember Sana was because she was one of the very few people that actually broke up with Dahyun rather than the other way around. Turns out Sana was the same way, once she was done with Dahyun she ended up dating some other girl, I think her name was Eun…Eunbi? Eunha! It was Eunha. I think… Anyway, Dahyun was so mad that she got broken up with, she would punch my geometry book before class started to release some stress.

“So is there something that you needed? I’m in the middle of studying.”

“Actually, that’s what I came here to talk to you about. See, I’ve been really struggling in my algebra class lately, I heard from some of my friends that you got A’s on all the tests you took in algebra is that right?”

She wasn’t wrong, I was actually pretty good at math. I was smart enough to be a level ahead of my grade. Technically I should be taking algebra now, but instead I’m taking pre-calculus.

“Let me guess, you want me to tutor you?”

“Bingo! Do you think you could that pleeeease? I’ll pay whatever you want.”

Pay? I wasn’t really interested in the money, my mom gave me a good amount of allowance. What really troubled me was if Dahyun would be ok with me tutoring a girl that she dated. Yet alone, someone that broke up with her.

“How soon do you need tutoring? I might need a while to think about it, if that’s ok?”

“Oh it’s fine! I have a test in a few weeks, so if you could decide before then?”

“Uh yeah ok, sure thing.”

“Oh! Here give me your phone!”

She reaches out and grabs my phone that I was using to research things on.

“Hey! Don’t just grab right after asking! That defeats the purpose of asking in the first place.”

“You were going to let me use it anyway, right?”

“Well it depended on what you needed it for.”

She hands me back my phone with a huge smile.

“Here, it’s my number. You can just text me when you figure out if you’ll tutor me or not.”

“Oh, ok sure thing.”

“Thank you so much! Bye Tzuyu!”

What a strange girl. I don’t know what Dahyun even saw in her. Oh right Dahyun. I pick up my phone and text her.

“Hey, you’ll never guess who just came up to me in the library.”

Bzz~

“Jungkook? No! WAS IT JENNIE! SHE IS SUCH A BABE, TZUYU I SWEAR IF IT WAS JENNIE I’M”

I don’t even bother reading the rest of her mess of a text.

“No it was neither of them calm down Dahyun, you could empty a lake with your thirst right now.”

Bzz~

“Haha shut up, who was it then? Was it Chaeyoung?”

“No no, it was one of your many ex-girlfriends Sana.”

Bzz~

“Oh Sana? I haven’t talked to her since sophomore year lol. What did she want?”

“She asked me to tutor her in algebra. You wouldn’t mind if I did would you?”

I was anxious at her answer. Dahyun was actually a really nice person, which was partly the reason why so many people kept falling for her. Well that and her beautiful unblemished white skin. I’ve know this girl since middle school, and I’m pretty sure she never got a single pimple in her life. Also, she wasn’t so petty to not let a girl progress with her studies, just because she broke up with her. At least, I don’t think so.

Bzz~

“Of course not. Tzuyu, Sana and I broke up years ago haha. I wouldn’t be mad at you for helping her out.”

Thought so, my best friend never lets me down.

Bzz~

Oh another text?

“You know what, why don’t you put the moves on Sana? She got hotter since freshman year, and she’s a good kisser, I can confirm that.”

Oh gross, what the heck Dahyun.

“I don’t want your sloppy seconds ok, no matter how long ago it was. Besides I’m not into her like that alright. I just can’t turn my back on someone that asked for my help.”

“You’re a good person Tzuyu haha.”

I stop texting her because I need to get back to studying. Oh wait, I should text Sana that I can tutor her now.

“Hey Sana, it’s me Tzuyu. I can tutor you, let me know whenever you want to get started.”

Bzz~

Woah, that was quick.

“Yay! Thank you so much! Maybe tomorrow if that’s ok? I’m really behind lol.”

“Yeah, tomorrow is fine. See you then.”

Bzz~

What? This girl texts way too quickly, I didn’t even set my phone down yet.

“Bye! See you tomorrow Tzuyu!”

I think I might regret this decision tomorrow… I check the time and it’s getting pretty late, I should probably head home now. I pack up my things and head outside. As soon as I get out of the library I see Chaeyoung and Mina making out against the wall.

“Oh great.”

Oh no, did I say that out loud? They stop kissing and Chaeyoung looks in my direction.

“Oh Tzuyu! Hi!”

“Hey Chaeyoung. Hi Mina”

“Were you studying in the library? Diligent as ever I see.”

“Yeah, well I got to head out to the bus stop now. I can’t miss it or I won’t get home, see you guys.”

“Oh wait!” Chaeyoung exclaims. “Do you think we can talk for a bit? Is your bus coming really soon?”

I check my phone. I guess I can spare a few minutes.

“Sure, but not too long ok?”

“Ok great, hey Mina do you mind waiting over there while I talk to Tzuyu?”

“Yeah sure, I’ll see you tomorrow Tzuyu!”

“Yeah see you.” I say a little reluctantly.

“Anyway, I was wondering why you don’t text me these past few months?”

She looks at me with those eyes. Those big…beautiful eyes. Tzuyu stop, she’s with Mina remember?

“Yeah, well I could say the same to you. You’re a little preoccupied right? You know with Mina and stuff.”

“Oh well yeah I guess. But, I miss talking to you. I miss hanging out with you too, we used to be so close what happened?”

You started dating Mina instead of me, that’s what happened. I don’t dare say that out loud, not making that mistake again.

“I don’t know I guess we both got pretty busy.”

“Well I’ll text you more often how about that? I’ve been watching a lot of the animes you recommended to me. We need to talk about them, especially Toradora! You were right it is a classic!”

It made me a little happy that she actually watched the animes I told her about.

“I told you! Ryuji and Taiga are one of my favorite anime couples of all time! Ok, yeah I’ll make sure to text you more often.”

“Awesome! Well I’ll let you catch your bus now! I’ll text you later ok?”

“Sure thing.”

Chaeyoung smiles and waves goodbye as I head towards the bus. I wasn’t sure how to feel. I still wasn’t too keen on talking with Chaeyoung after what she did to me, but I had to admit one thing. I missed her. A lot. She did text me that night, and man did I miss talking about anime with her. We were just on the same wavelength when it came to these things. We talked about how Toradora both made us cry more than most animes. When it got late, I texted Chaeyoung goodnight, and went to bed.

Bzz~

“Goodnight Tzuyu, I really missed talking to you :)”

I hate to admit it, but my heart fluttered just a little. Later the next day, Sana and I met in the library after school.

“Thank you so much for doing this Tzuyu! How much are you going to charge?”

“Oh no, I’m not charging you anything. I’m just glad to help you out.”

“Really!? Oh Tzuyu you’re amazing!”

There was something about Sana that just put me off. I don’t know what it was but, it was unsettling. Maybe it’s just the fact that she dated Dahyun. I begin teaching her things, and wow she wasn’t lying. She really was behind on a lot of things. She couldn’t graph, she couldn’t figure out why there were letters in math, she just kept asking me what made x so special that it could be anything. I had a hard time explaining to her that it didn’t have to be x, and that it could literally be any letter she wanted. A few weeks of tutoring Sana pass by and it must have been the hardest few weeks of my life. No wonder she was failing this class, she can’t focus on anything to save her life! I tried showing her how to do equations she didn’t know the answer to and she would go off and ask me random questions like, what my favorite movie was or what music I was into. The day before her exam we had a review session. I have no idea how she did it, but she was able to answer most of the questions I asked her. Maybe I’m a better tutor than I thought.

“Hey Tzuyu, so I’ve been thinking about something.”

“Oh really? What’s that?”

“Why aren’t you dating anybody?”

My heart stung a little bit at that question, I didn’t really know how to answer her.

“Umm I’m not really looking for anyone right now. I’m more focused on school.”

“Oh c’mon now! Dahyun gets good grades, and look at her! She goes on dates all the time! I know this because I used to be on the other side of those dates.”

“Well Dahyun and I are not the same person ok. Just because she likes to go and date whoever she wants doesn’t mean I do.”

“Alright well, how about this? If I pass my algebra test tomorrow you have to go on a date with me.”

Wait what?

To be continued…

[what-soul]

My life story

I was born November 10, 1995 at 2:03 AM in Baltimore, Maryland. From what I can remember from my dad's "birthday story", nothing too significant happened. My parents were in their early 20s and I'm fairly sure they weren't prepared for the financial responsibility, because I've been told they sold my mom's CD collection and we ate PB&J and other filler staple foods. I'm pretty sure that's why I can't stand the idea of a PB&J sandwich - I had too many as a kid. We lived in Ducketts Lane in Elkridge, soon joined by some of my cousins who I grew up with. I remember a nasty, broken toilet in a basement with wood paneling and willow trees off in the corner. There was only 3-story townhouses there.

Ginny was born, and my dad realized that if he wanted to be in the military, he had to join before he had more than 2 kids. So he was at training camp when Katie was born, doing crazy stuff like swimming with 50 lb backpacks and running through chemical fumes without a mask. We moved around during this time, I think to Tennessee and Kentucky? I have no memories beyond a pre-K daycare (where I made a scarecrow with brads for joints) and the neighbors having those electric kid-sized cars.

In Kindergarten I went to Rockburn Elementary at 4, due to Maryland's strange age cutoff at the time. All I remember was that our class was near the entrance, the room was big and empty in the middle, and a caterpillar once pooped on my hand while I was admiring it on the playground. I don't remember anyone from the class. First grade is a blank, but second grade...

The second grade area was a bunch of dynamic classrooms with vibrantly colored sliding walls and a larger central area where we could buy lunch. They offered either a special that day or pizza, but I usually brought a packed lunch. I remember playing mandala with a tomboy of a black girl who scraped her knee once and showed us how it was getting puss. That's where I met Nicholas Eagles, who was my best friend for the year. I'd go over to his house every week or two where we played the pokemon card game and some Nintendo games. He had a pogo stick, but I couldn't figure out how to use it. At one point, we climbed up the big evergreens in his front yard and I fell, getting caught by branches a couple feet below. He once admitted that he thought I was gross when he first met me, though I don't know why.

Then we moved to Pennsylvania for my third year in school. I don't remember our house but I remember the area. It was next to a small pond with cattails and the backyard led to a huge patch of undeveloped land. We found some kids playing there far away, and I became friends with the older brother who enjoyed hacking together weird electronics. There I got into Yugioh. Ginny's hermit crab died and we had a fancy funeral for it, complete with a coffin made of mud bricks molded from legos. Our parents bought a wooden playground, I think?

I don't remember much from school, just some event snippets. Bits of hallways filled with seasonal candles in bags, monthly school events like a Jim Henson style play about how drugs are bad, an uninviting cafeteria... I know I was called "booger boy" for picking my nose, but I've lost the emotional context. According to my parents, I had problems with my teachers because the Pennsylvania 3rd grade curriculum was the same as the Maryland 2nd grade curriculum, and I liked to be the teacher's pet. I'd raise my hand for every question because I always knew the answer and wanted to say it, which annoyed the teachers because they wanted the other kids to have a chance. School was apparently bad enough that we moved at the end of the year to West Virginia.

I had started the gifted program in 2nd grade, but I remember absolutely nothing from then. For 3rd grade, I remember I was called out of class some days of the week to go to a room for a gifted class, but don't remember anything. For 4th grade, all I remember was the room we went to and that I had a very hard time with math and remembering the names of shapes.

It was Shepherdstown Elementary School, and we mostly did stuff in the 4th-5th grade hallway, which I remember very well. The walls were lined with lockers and there were... 6? classes total. In 4th grade I only remember an older teacher I had for English, in which we read Roald Dahl books. I think she was a hardass but I have no especially bad memories of her.

In 5th grade I had M(r)s. Lawrence at least, and Mr. Ebersol for gifted. I remember my friends better for this time than in 4th, even though they're probably the same. They were all in gifted for some reason. There was Levi Spickler, who was more of a rival than a friend. Sam Yates, a girl with bushy brown hair who hated chocolate and loved zucchini bread. Arlo, he was best friends with Levi and a very funny and sociable kid. His hair was perpetually messy, like a big brown afro almost. The only thing I distinctly remember from him was a joke he started saying "je veux une omelette du fromage", which is French for "I want a cheese omelette". No idea why that was funny, if it was. Then there was Merideth, an athletic girl who was a bit of an early bloomer.

Most of my memories were from the gifted class. We once acted out commercials, including one, "Don't be sad, get GLAD for all your kitchen garbage needs!" We would enact plays such as A Midsummer Night's Dream. Or even write our own plays; one Levi wrote included a joke that flew completely over my head about a girl being "rapped on the head", to which everyone started knocking on the table with their knuckles.

In Ms. Lawrence's class we once made our own peanut butter chocolate candies for Halloween... That's all I got.

From 6th to 8th I was in Sheperdstown Middle School, less than a mile away from the Elementary School. I remember the layout of the building fairly well, but there are some fuzzy areas. It was mostly one long hallway going left and right from the entrance with some hallways jutting out from the forward direction. I remember Ms. Carter, a science teacher who adored me. She was a very large red-head who liked to wear excessive make-up and had a Ms. Frizzle vibe to her teaching methods. By this point I loved science, so I relished in raising my hand for every question. She eventually made a running joke out of it, saying she needed to call "1-800 dial a Robert!"

Next to Ms. Carter's room was a ramp down into a secluded area with a few classrooms, one of which was my... history class, and somewhere in that area was my sign language class. Or was it English? Gifted class was in a hallway directly in front of the entrance with Mrs. Wagner across the hall from the touch typing classroom. I mostly remember learning English, particularly the roots of words.

Then there was Mr... Marcin? An older science teacher who had a very dry, even cynical sense of humor but seemed to genuinely care about his job. And Mrs... Tracey? The 8th grade science teacher. I remember the cafeteria very well, as well as the gym - it was burned into my brain by the Pacers, an exercise we did twice a week where we'd run from one side of the gym to the other with increasing frequency.

In the 7th grade, my parents divorced. From what I can gather, my mom had caught my dad cheating multiple times, and then my dad caught her cheating with my stepdad. Of course, these were symptoms and the official explanation. Underlying that were personality incompatibilities, my mom's stress from generalized anxiety disorder without medication and raising 4 kids vs my dad's stress working a billion minimunm wage jobs just to support us. Abandonment issues, personal insecurities, projection, the works.

I know that when they announced it, they sat us all on the couch and told us about it very seriously. I barely remember it, but the memory paints it as feeling like a dream. From there, my mom moved into the basement while she found work (she was laid off) and housing while my dad bought a dog (Zoey) to fill the void. Eventually my mom moved to a rinky-dink apartment and later to a nice townhouse, and we went to each parent's house in shifts over the week.

9th grade... Was at Shepherdstown Highschool. I remember the cafeteria, a taller guy I was friends with, the entrance being near the library. That's all.

At this point my dad was laid off from his job as a professor at some university. In searching for another professor position, he had the option of going to New Mexico or Wyoming; he chose the former. After a few months of convincing, I decided to move out with him over the Summer for the opportunity of going to a good school and good college.

The time I spent from 10-12th grade blurs together. I remember quite a few teachers and classmates, but not when and where I knew them. The teachers I remember are my Spanish teacher (native speaker), Ms. McCoy (art teacher), Mr. B? (Chemistry teacher, very eccentric), Mr. Smith (science and CS teacher), Mr. DeWitt (AP Biology, he had extreme standards), and the dreaded Mr. Evans. Hello, yes? He tried to fail me out of high school by demanding that I not be allowed to take a replacement English class to substitute the grade I got in his.

The people I knew, I knew only some names and the rest were archetypes. Al of course, Ryan Sun (an asian guy who took it upon himself to become my rival, which unintentionally became a kind of bullying as I was too depressed to cope). For some reason I remember Kim Wong, another asian girl who was always near the top of the class. And Stephanie, I think her last name was something like Dijkstra, who I think was even better at programming than I was. Beyond them, the archetypes I remember were * a crazy-fun drug supplier who had some issues with her parents * a larger hispanic guy who had a very negative vibe and introduced me to Johnny the Homicidal Maniac * one girl from art who was like 7 feet tall but had normal proportions, so she looked like a mini-giant

At the same time, I was going to UNM for dual-enrollment, mostly math. My relationship with my dad was deteriorating; teen angst, stress from moving, depression, and lack of mutual understanding. Eventually he relented to getting me a therapist, which ended up being a (late) PhD child psychologist. I stopped seeing her when I turned 18 and went into college. To get away from my dad, I moved into the UNM dorms.

Sometime around here was when I got my first job as a student worker. First a temp job moving boxes, then as an IT admin assistant, and finally data entry and call redirection. Over the Summer I got a job with one of my mom's coworkers helping him research hobby electronics so he could make the most of his free time. All of these were full of shame because I didn't feel like I was working hard enough to justify the pay, and they all ended in ways I took personally. At the time they confirmed to myself all of my personal failings and screamed back that I was a loser who couldn't do anything right.

I think this is around the time my mom married my stepdad, and my dad married Kaya for tax reasons. Eventually they separated and Lindsey came in; they married a couple years later. I liked both stepmoms, and had no problem with remarrying. My stepdad however, I didn't dislike, but I found a very large disconnect with him. He clearly didn't enjoy children, and had a difficult time expressing emotions which made him extremely intimidating. There were even some interactions which unintentionally shattered my confidence, as he was a programmer and I thought I could talk to him about that.

College was a blur. I met up with Al again in a sociology class we shared, and through him and his sister Sarah, I made two more friends: Ariel and Tristan. They were the best friends I remember having, though it was mostly through Al. We shitposted about My Little Pony and Arnold Palmer tea. The first semester I passed, barely. I think I failed the next semester and planned to kill myself at the end because I thought my life was ruined. I exploded and told my dad that I hadn't taken any of my antidepressants. I ended up moving back in with my dad. My sisters had moved in by that time. Our relationship only strained more, and I exploded at him telling him "fuck you", to which he kicked me out. I moved in with Tristan.

There my depression stewed. My eczema got especially bad without my topical steroid, and I isolated more and more. Tristan's dad talked to me often about stoicism, philosophy, and project management. He pursued stoicism as his best virtue, taking on all the burdens of the world. When I talked to him, it always felt like he was a diamond under immense pressure that would shatter if the pressure was relieved. It seemed like he was using my stay as an extra mouth to feed to increase the stress he was under on purpose, so I eventually worked up the courage to go back to college.

I think I did one semester, passing barely again. Then at some point, Al realized I was taking the group's sarcastic jibes personally and was codependent on them. He told me he didn't want to be responsible for giving me pain and that we shouldn't be friends. From there, I avoided everyone from that group, going so far as to make large detours to avoid spotting them. I was too afraid to face them any longer. The next semester, I went to the first few classes, then became a hikikomori for the rest of the semester, only leaving my room for food and the bathroom. I didn't want to live, but I didn't have the will to kill myself either.

That state broke when it was revealed that I had failed all my classes. My dad took me back in, with similar tensions. I visited my mom for the Summer and saw a therapist/psychiatrist named Dr. Goodman. She had my half-sister Marlena.

By sheer luck, I got a job as a administration assistant at a company my cousin Alex worked at, Engage. He presented it in terms of reprogramming their database stack, but I knew I wasn't there for that. Still, I insisted on writing scripts to do the extremely tedious job of pressing buttons in the right sequence to print the mailing labels by the thousands. At some point I accidentally managed to fuck up not once, but twice. The first was caught, but the second made it all the way to the post office where they charged a fee for every incorrectly labeled mail, probably costing thousands of dollars. I was let go soon after for personality conflicts and because I wasn't taking my time, doing things too fast so mistakes were easy to make.

I was offered a replacement job in the data entry department, which I was very reluctant to take because I wanted to run away from the whole thing and forget the wild emotions. I got it, learned the ropes, and did that for a couple months during the 2016 election (which made lots of mail), all the while getting less and less stable as I began to see the job as a symbol of my failure as a person. As I saw it, it was the job I was moved to out of pity because any hobo off the streets could deliver identical work, and yet I was still struggling and felt ashamed because no one else had any problems. I ran out of my medications and that spiral plummeted and I felt the need to quit because what work I did on the clock was terrible and I frequently had to clock out to keep from clawing my eyes out. Every day I went in was sheer agony, which I'd compare to mentally tearing off each fingernail one by one. It was exploding with shame, panic, anxiety, fear, self-hatred, and tedium.

Unfortunately no one in my family saw it that way. Everyone seemed to think I just didn't want to do my job because I "didn't like it". I tried to tell them that I "just couldn't" go in anymore, but all I got back was that I have to. I didn't. More shame. It doubly confirmed the fears I already had, that the job was more important than I was. I suffered this pain every day and yet it was more important that I bear it and lose my mind rather than lose the job. Talk about worthless.

Eventually it came to a point where Goodman seemed to think I wasn't depressed and was manipulating my parents into giving me a free ride. My parents expressed their fear that "if I dropped him off at a shelter, I'd never see him again", which stung. I didn't want to live and everyone around me wanted me to work to live no matter the cost. I would thoughtlessly mention euthanization as a viable option. So, she was right to fear that. More shame from being such a failure as to put such responsibility and pain on my parents. That day I spent an hour seriously thinking about killing myself despite my hesitation, reasoning that I was a parasite on my family and the only way to relieve them of my burden was to relieve them of me. Whatever pain I caused by dying would pale in comparison to the pain I'd cause by living. I wondered if any excuse I had against this plan was a selfish desire to continue living in spite of the pain of others. I never went much farther beyond that, though.

Eventually my parents convinced Goodman to send me to Sierra Tucson. There, I learned about trauma, the distinction between shame and guilt, codependency, and the importance of friendship. I felt awakened, as if from a coma, and first time in my life, I enjoyed living for its own sake. I was transferred to Crownview Co-Occurring Institute for Intensive Out-Patient, where I regressed some due to it being a less supportive environment. Still, I learned how to deal with adversity in reality, particularly overcoming my issues with authority, defensiveness, a need to be right all the time, and how to take criticism without taking it personally.

During recovery, Katie had my niece Aurora. Most of the effect of that was from watching how other people reacted and interpreting the underlying reasons. I believe Katie refused an abortion/adoption because she intended to use Aurora to assert her maturity and capacity to be responsible to my dad and Lindsey, who had a tendency to micromanage her which led to teenage rebellion. What's sad about that is I think she lacks self-care emotionally and mentally, and now she won't ever have an opportunity to work on herself because she'll be working on her kid. In trying to appear more mature, she destroyed any chance of reaching maturity healthily. Now she's still struggling to break free of them, seeing all of their "suggestions" (which, to be fair, are stated more as commands) as personal attacks, saying she isn't capable of taking care of her symbol of adulthood.

And now I'm in R&R. I don't know where I'm going from here.

[tzudism]

Memory Lane: Maybe It’s Better

Bonus Chapter: Chaeyoung’s Story

“Hey Tzuyu what are you doing today? :)”

I sit down by my desk waiting for her to reply. I’m hoping she’s not busy, maybe I can see her and we can hang out and watch anime or something. I don’t know why, but I just really feel like seeing her today. We haven’t spent time together as just the two of us in such a long time. I think it might be since she asked me out in sophomore year. I still wonder if I chose the right person. I mean, I can’t help that my feelings for her have changed. Mina makes me feel special, and loved. Tzuyu used to make me feel that way, but when she ignored me and shut me off for no apparent reason my heart changed a little. One day, we're having a wonderful time in the park and then the next thing I know she drops me like a used toy she lost interest in. I just couldn't understand why. I mean yeah she apologized and explained herself and I forgave her, but it wasn’t the same anymore. And then Mina came along, and I can still remember the first time I saw her. It was the middle of sophomore year and Yeri and I decided to check out the dance competition at our high school. We sat down in the front row of the gymnasium and watched three dancers take the stage and introduce themselves. First off was a girl named Cheng Xiao, and second came a girl named Yuju, and then finally the girl that really caught my attention was Mina. At first I thought it was really funny that she was going to perform with a little ball. But as I saw her throw it in the air and watched her as she would catch it perfectly and maneuver it around flawlessly as if it was part of her body, I fell for her right there and I fell hard.

“This is just me admiring how talented she is.” I thought at first.

But then she made eye contact with me. As soon as she finished her performance she walked down from center stage and I swear she was staring at me on purpose. Her piercing eyes felt like she was penetrating my soul and it made my heart flutter in an instant. After that I knew I had to talk to her, I walked over to Mina after the competition was done and they had anounced that she won.

“Hi Mina, congratulations on the win, you were beautiful out there. You made a fan out of me.”

She had her hair tied up and instantly she takes out the hair tie and tosses it to the ground. Her shoulder length hair falls down and she opens her eyes and smirks.

“Oh really? That’s good because that’s what I was intending to do. I like to find a cute girl in the stands and tell myself that I’m dancing for her. This is the first time one actually came up to me though. What's your name?”

"Son Chaeyoung. So were you really dancing for me?"

"I always dance for the most beautiful girl in the room. After I saw you, it was easy to choose."

After that we kept talking for months, it reached the point where if I wasn't with Tzuyu I was Mina. Then one day Mina asks me out. She bought me flowers and said that I inspire her to become a better dancer and that when she performs she's thinking of me and that pushes her to go beyond her limits. I said yes, I mean when someone tells you that you are that special to them, how can you say no? Then suddenly days later Tzuyu asks me out. My instant reaction was, “Finally!” but by then it was too late. I hung out with her that day with the intention of telling her about Mina and I. But how could I after she just asked me out? I wasn't expecting her to do that. After almost two years why was she doing this now? Why was she so late? I told her to give me some time to think, I needed time to figure out how to tell her about Mina. Weeks later I text her thinking that it might be easier if I just tell her this way. I ask her about Mina and it turns out she knows her. I tell her that Mina and I have been talking to each other and that I'm having fun. I tried to lead up to the point that I was dating her when she tells me a rumor about Mina and her best friend Momo who apparently were more than just friends. I was shocked that I had to find out about this through Tzuyu, so shocked that I forgot to tell her about Mina already being my girlfriend. I call Mina and confront her about Momo.

“Is it true? Have you and Momo really been more than just friends? Did you really do those things that they’re saying about you guys?”

There’s a silence on her end for a while, but she finally spoke up.

“Yes. It’s all true. But wait Chaeyoung! Ever since I met you I told Momo that I didn’t want to be with her anymore. We never were officially dating. She took it hard, but she understood that you make me happy. So please don’t be mad at her. I’m sorry I never told you about it before, but when I realized that you didn’t know about the rumors I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I was afraid of what you would think of me.”

I didn’t expect her to be so open about it right away. I thought she would try to lie about it. Her honesty made me feel bad for thinking that she and Momo might be together behind my back, I thought that was why she didn’t tell me about them.

“Don’t worry, I’m glad you were honest with me. Thank you.”

After that, Mina and I spent the rest of summer practically inseparable. She wanted to prove to me that I was the only one for her, and that Momo was only a friend. I was so busy with Mina that once junior year began I remembered I never contacted Tzuyu again.

“She never asked for an answer so maybe she forgot.”, I foolishly told myself. Then I saw her in my science class.

“I’ll call her out and if she turns around then maybe everything will be fine…right?” I tried to convince myself.

I called her name and she turned around and she smiled. But it wasn’t the normal bright smile that I was used to seeing, maybe she’s just having a bad first day of school. Then I realized that maybe it’s because of me. I thought I heard Dahyun yell out Tzuyu’s name that morning but when I looked around nobody was there. Did she see Mina and I kiss this morning? I’ll tell her everything after class, I’ll give her a proper rejection, it’s what she deserves. The bell rings to signal the end of class and she practically sprinted out. Oh no, maybe she really is hurt. After that I could never bring myself to talk to Tzuyu about her confession. I pretended that it didn’t happen, so maybe that way I won’t have to hurt her any further. Or maybe I was just a coward. A few months pass, and Mina and I are walking down to the library. Suddenly she grabs me and kisses me. This was new, Mina is never this bold, normally I have to beg her to hold my hand around school.

“Oh great.”

I turn around and see Tzuyu. Oh this is awkward, oh this is so awkward. How can I make this not awkward?

“Oh Tzuyu! Hi!” Yeah no, this is still awkward.

“Hey Chaeyoung. Hi Mina”

“Were you studying in the library? Diligent as ever I see.” Yupp, still awkward.

“Yeah, well I got to head out to the bus stop now. I can’t miss it or I won’t get home, see you guys.”

“Oh wait! Do you think we can talk for a bit? Is your bus coming really soon?”

Why did I stop her? She doesn’t really talk to me anymore, unless I say hi to her first. Is it because I miss her?

“Sure, but not too long ok?”

Oh. I didn’t expect her to actually stay. What should I say? I send Mina away for a bit, so Tzuyu and I can be alone, plus I’m sure it would make her uneasy if Mina was around.

“Anyway, I was wondering why you don’t text me these past few months?”

When I ask her that she looks deeply into my eyes, and I can feel my heart stop for a bit. I forgot what it was like to have Tzuyu stare at me like that. It made me want to kiss her. Wait what? Chaeyoung you’re with Mina now, what are you thinking?

“Yeah, well I could say the same to you. You’re a little preoccupied right? You know with Mina and stuff.”

Oh I feel terrible now. Is there any way I can make us back to the way we used to?

“Oh well yeah I guess. But, I miss talking to you. I miss hanging out with you too, we used to be so close what happened?”

Don’t be stupid Chaeyoung, it’s because you dated Mina instead of her.

“I don’t know I guess we both got pretty busy.”

“Well I’ll text you more often how about that? I’ve been watching a lot of the animes you recommended to me. We need to talk about them, especially Toradora! You were right it is a classic!”

“I told you! Ryuji and Taiga are one of my favorite anime couples of all time! Ok, yeah I’ll make sure to text you more often.”

She smiled a little bit, and it made me happy, I missed seeing that smile of hers. It was sweet and innocent, the smile of an angel.

“Awesome! Well I’ll let you catch your bus now! I’ll text you later ok?”

I turn around and go back to Mina, who grabs my arm. She starts talking to me about something I can’t really remember. I was too busy wondering what part of Toradora I wanted to talk to Tzuyu about first.

Bzz~

The text I received wakes me up from my daydream. Is it Tzuyu? I grab my phone and check.

“Hey Chaengie! I was talking to my friend Sana the other day about this place I found while hiking with Momo. It has a beautiful view over there around sundown, I figured maybe you might want to check it out today?”

Oh it’s just Mina. I look at my other messages and Tzuyu hasn’t responded. Knowing her she’s either studying or really into some new anime that came out. I’ll have to ask her about it later. Since she didn’t reply I’ll just go with Mina today.

“Yeah sure, sounds cool.”

Mina picks me up and we start talking about her upcoming dance competitions. Even after dating for a few months I just can’t get caught up with all this dancing vocabulary she uses no matter how hard I try to learn.

“Hey Mina, did you ever watch that anime I told you about?”

“Oh umm, which one was that one again? Toru…daro?”

“Toradora.”

“Ahh right that one! I haven’t finished it yet. It’s just not very interesting to me. Sorry Chaeng.”

“Oh no it’s fine.” I tried to pretend that didn’t irk me a little.

“Oh we’re here! Hopefully we can hike fast enough to catch the sunset by the beach.”

Mina is a much better hiker than I am. My short legs just can’t keep up with her. About fifteen minutes into the hike I am pooped. I look up and hear Mina shouting out someone’s name.

“…is that you?”

Huh? Who’s over there? I muster up the strength to get up and walk to the top of the hill. It was Mina’s friend Sana. Oh she’s about to kiss someone, really Mina? Don’t mess up her moment.

“Sana! I knew it was you! When you asked me about this place I didn’t think I’d find you here so soon haha. Oh Tzuyu! Oh no we weren’t interrupting something were we?”

Tzuyu is here too? Oh I see, that’s why she didn’t reply. She was on a date with Sana. Since when do they know each other? Were they really about to kiss just now? At first I didn’t want Mina to mess up their moment, but suddenly I’m glad she did. I remember one time in sophomore year back when I still had heavy feelings for Tzuyu, she told me that she had never kissed anyone before. Did Sana take Tzuyu’s first kiss? I forgot about how much I wanted to steal that kiss from her. I forgot about a lot of things. I look at Tzuyu, and she is obviously irritated that Mina ruined her moment with Sana. Was she really that happy just moments before? Was she happier than she was when she would hang out with me? What am I saying? We never went on any actual real dates. And whose fault is that? Mine.

“Babe what are you doing over there still? Sana and Tzuyu are here! Come say hi!”

I don’t want to say hi, being over there would kill me. I go anyway because I don’t want Mina to think something is wrong. I look at Tzuyu and she doesn’t look back at me. All she does is look at Sana and I can’t stand it. Mina helps Sana bring their stuff back to their car, and Tzuyu walks by me as if I wasn’t even there. No, you’re not going to start ignoring me again. Seeing Tzuyu almost kiss Sana hurt more than anything I have ever felt before. It was at this moment when I realized how stupid I was. I shouldn't have let being hurt get in the way of what I wanted. I should've fought harder for Tzuyu's love. I shouldn't have ran away to Mina, who felt safe. I figured why chase after a dream when a dream was chasing me? I was afraid, afraid of what was going to happen if Tzuyu no longer cared for me, but it seems like that became a reality now. No, this isn’t freshman year anymore. I’m doing something about it this time. I felt like I was losing a part of me. I couldn’t bear the sight of seeing Tzuyu with someone else. I know what I’m about to do is going to be extremely selfish. But, this is the first time, the first time I truly know what I want. I want Chou Tzuyu, and I’m not going to lose her, not this time. I reach out and grab her sleeve. From now on I'm being true to myself.

End of bonus chapter...