#and also I cant seem to continue without network

[your-local-femboy-bitch]

Help! I just downloaded Guilty Gear STRIVE and the network is not working even though my network is connected?

[sexcromancy]

okay I know everyone has been clamoring to find out wtf I mean by season 6 is about itself so it's time to spill. I first started thinking about this around once more with feeling, bc that episode, even more than every other "experimental" episode that came before it, is commenting on the existence of the show itself. the songs and the pretense of it, and the way the characters are aware of their performance, all emphatically say "this is a narrative we are playing out." especially Buffy's song, where she likens slaying to a dance she can't stop doing. once I thought about that, I also thought about how Buffy's resurrection, the trio, and the spuffy romance are all also metatextually aware elements of the season. all of these trends continued throughout the season and now I want to really dig into it.

first, Buffy's resurrection: ive learned that in behind the scenes terms, jwhedon originally wanted s5 to be the last. it seems like by the time they were writing and shooting s5, they knew that wouldn't be the case, but the show was also moving networks and jw was going to be less present due to angel/firefly/etc. so bringing buffy back was a very self-conscious act. this feels really relevant in how and why she comes back: unwillingly dragged out by her biggest supporters. if we think of buffy the character, buffy the slayer, and sarah michelle gellar as three concurrent aspects, this move affected each of them in parallel. buffy the character has to come back, because fans cant live without her. buffy the slayer has to come back, because her friends cant live without her. smg has to come back, because the show doesnt exist without her (underlined by the stories of her being the only one with the capital to protect people from joss on set). so character, slayer and actress are back in action! but... why? bringing her back, especially after such a momentous and well-meaning death, needs to be justified. or it doesn't, if the writers decide to take a metatextual approach and have buffy herself (and others) question and criticize the decision. the season is essentially asking the question, through buffy, of why it exists?

the trio is the next aspect of season 6 i thought about wrt the metatextual elements of the season. they also function on three levels: as writer analogue, as fan analogue, and as villain criticism. on a writer level, the trio exists in the season to put buffy in situations. in episodes like life serial, gone, dead things, and normal again, they create the circumstances that would have previously been classic "monster of the week" scenarios. but because there is an onscreen intermediary, we get the commentary of why and how they do this to buffy: to test her, to challenge her, to bring about crises of faith or power. they don't even necessarily want to kill her (at first), and instead just want to nebulously "take her down", but really it is transparently obvious that they know they need her to justify their own existence. their genre-awareness as nerds only adds to this, segueing into the second aspect: fanboy analogues. they want to observe, consume, create Buffy's suffering - but they also want to keep her at a safe distance where she can't get to them. there is a sexuality to their obsession, and it's extremely objectifying. they only see her, shallowly, as the other half of their comic book dyad. this is why her compassion and moral code at the end of the season is so baffling to them. finally, the members of the trio each represent different forms of villains and their plot drawbacks: Jonathan the opportunist who can't follow through, Andrew the forever lackey, and warren the one who crosses the boundary from fun villainy into real misogynistic violence. they are all motivationless and largely devoid of characterization outside these personas, making them flat and uninteresting to watch. but that's tv villains, often: with only a season to introduce and develop them, they lack depth. after reaching the heights of fighting a god in s5, the show had to bring it all the way back down to earth by interrogating the very idea of villains themselves, again coming back to the question: why does any of this exist?

another great lens to view metanarrative through is spike and James Marsters. as legend goes, spike was only supposed to be a one season villain, leaving the show after season 2. but spike, as played by Marsters, turned out to be so much more than the failures of villains described above. he was watchable, funny, sexy, and unexpected. by all accounts he completely undermined joss' vision for the show, but he was so popular that demand kept bringing him back. in s4 marsters apparently brought up the idea of being a love interest for buffy all the time, primarily because he thought it was the only way to justify spike staying in Sunnydale (and thus on the show) post-chip. he thought it would only make sense if spike was obsessed with the slayer. it took until s5 to realize that intention, then until s6 to start digging into it. so there's two layers for spike and Marsters to function on: justifying his continued existence on the show, and in Sunnydale, by deepening his connection with buffy. that connection is also thematically tied to spike's previous role in s5: confidant and perceptive observer with whom buffy can explore her interest in death. as buffy is questioning why she exists, and whether she should, her interactions with spike threaten to pull her to the "dark side". he wants her to live, but he wants her to live as a creature of the night, chasing pleasure, abandoning morals. the show is clearly framing this as a horrible choice. in the world of btvs, buffy's adherence to a moral code is why she exists. if she turned her back on Being The Slayer, her friends, her responsibilities... then that would be just as bad as being dead. it is between these two extremes that buffy must find her way. now, i don't really agree with this version the show presents, and i think marsters - and spike - don't either. he is commanding her attention, and quite literally forcing his way in, which is scary. we feel the fear and tension of a character exerting force on the narrative. but i also feel the compassion and the desperation for understanding underneath that, which creates a really strong and layered dynamic. similar to faith, the character as played is at odds with the writing, and it works in the show's favor.

those are the three main areas where I focused my analysis. I also want to point out some other moments and parallels that I noticed:

buffy is watching dawn play out earlier seasons of her own arc, especially in all the way where dawn speedruns a relationship with a vampire. in this way, buffy watches a version of her own life - of the television show btvs - and has a similar perspective to us, the viewers, seeing how much she's grown and changed in the last 4 seasons.

gone as an episode proves this entire thesis through absence. when buffy "disappears" from the show (because of the trio!) she is able to live her life how she wants, free from the judgement of friends/viewers. this is also true of episodes in previous seasons, ie where the wild things are, where she gets to fuck all day while everyone else has to solve the scary mystery.

Giles leaves in this season, notably also the season where Joss purportedly spent much less time on set and was less involved. no more Giles as moral center and father figure means buffy has to figure out who she is without him - and the show has to figure out what it is without Joss. giles' departure also squares nicely with the show becoming much less monster of the week focused; no one really cares about the research or the plan, often to their detriment. they also don't take the trio (the other writers) seriously until its too late. the season is much more focused on the emotional worlds of the characters and their consequences than the monsters. plus, when he returns and buffy recounts the events of the season, they burst out laughing. this is poking a little fun at how this season has differed from the "established world" of buffy up through season 5.

I started to notice that every single episode was referencing, either directly or subtextually, prior episodes of the show. for example, in gone buffy mentions the season 2 episode where clea duvall disappeared. in dead things when is buffy beating spike, it visually parallels faith and buffy in who are you. all the way, as mentioned above. willow's heartbreak over tara and spiraling into magic use rhymes with something blue. the show is very self-referential in general, but in this context i also see it as the characters playing out their version of a time loop. they are stuck running the same tracks over and over, unable to get out of sunnydale (because they have to be characters on the show) and thus doomed to its patterns.

as a postcript: i had already developed most of this theory when i read this post on the existential scoobies forum, which ive been keeping up with to get a sense for the contemporary reactions as the show was airing. cynesthesia's post was made following as you were, and its an excellent breakdown of the season up to the point as it is laid out in OMWF. i highly recommend the post and the comments; she notes many things i hadn't considered and the connections to the lyrics of OMWF are brilliant. it's really fun to see my same thoughts echoed back to me 22 years ago! scrolling through the archives of the forum is really fun and enlightening re: real time buffy fans.

[vminvisiblestring]

How Robert Berens Made Destiel Canon

or The Beautifully Tragic Road to Destiel

in honor of their one month anniversary, i want to talk about robert berens and how he made it his mission to make destiel canon and the care he took approaching their relationship...

i dont know if this has been pointed out before, but i was looking at the episodes bobo berens wrote when i realized something: he wrote all the significant destiel episodes in s15. i think that means he probably planned to make destiel canon long before s15 started:

he hid a love story inside the monster story. a love story told in five parts:

• initiating event

• rising action

• climax (first twist)

• falling action

• second twist (no resolution)

14x18: absence - “initiating event”

the initiating event introduces the conflict and sets events into motion in a story.

in absence, cas reveals to dean that jack might not have a soul and therefore might not know that hurting his mother was wrong. this angers dean and results in dean telling cas “youre dead to me”. this initiates a chain of events that lead their relationship to experience a tear (or rupture).

15x03: the rupture - “rising action”

the rising action is the result of a character trying to (in this case) solve a problem but a force is at conflict with the character. for every step taken, there is either a successful or failed outcome; this pattern continues all the way to the climax.

complications in dean and cas’s relationship continue to widen the distance between them into the start of season 15 with the deaths of rowena and belphagor (for which dean blames cas) culminating in the infamous “breakup” scene. cas said there was nothing left for him anymore and leaves dean.

15x08: our father who arent in heaven - “rising action”

bobo didnt write this episode but its important to the path because rowena tells dean and cas to fix their relationship in the same episode that michael sends them to purgatory (aka the place dean realized he was in love with cas all those years ago and where they fixed their relationship the first time)

15x09: the trap - ‘climax & first twist”

the climax is the most emotional part of the story and is reached when the character takes the final step to resolve their problem. this is also where the turning point of the story begins and descends to the falling action (and if there is a plot twist, it happens here).

the first twist: dean confesses first. this scene is deans confession disguised as an apology. he might lose cas and needed him to know hes sorry. the prayer scene is so important because, if we read the scene, this is in fact, an apology, but its so much more than that. dean responds to cas’s “i left but you didnt stop me” with “i should have stopped you”. this scene showed just how much dean has grown, how much he’s trying and how much he wants to be free of the anger he feels because he realized it was what separated him from the man he loves on multiple occasions. this is deans way of saying “im sorry. i didnt mean anything i said. you are the most important person in my life and i let you leave. i shouldnt have let you leave. thats my fault. im trying to get better. please tell me you’re gonna be okay. tell me this isnt the last time i’ll ever see you. please. i love you”.

dean and cas reunite near the rift but dean doesnt want to leave before telling cas something. we know it cant be the prayer because its obvious cas heard that; this is something else, but cas stops him. this scene is them making amends with each other the best way they know how: a silent knowing. the conflict has finally been resolved.

15x12: galaxy brain - “falling action”

the falling action consists of the after-effects of the climax and every event from here onward should lead to a logical conclusion.

dean and cas’s relationship is better, they seem at peace. the silent knowing is definitely there, and they both seem comfortable the way they left things. the way things are going, they’ll likely have as much a “happy” ending as a fallen angel and a hunter can have without talking about this silent knowing. we cant forget about the looming empty deal, but knowing cas will never be truly happy, it seems like dean and cas are going to be friends for a long time...

15x18: despair - “second twist”

after the falling action comes the resolution. sometimes in film and television, a surprise second twist will occur after the climax and toss the characters into another fight. the second twist is resolved quicker than the first and leads to a speedy resolution.

the second twist here, however, replaces the resolution because the story of destiel sadly and infuriatingly, never got its resolution.

i feel like bobo was told cas was going to get killed off and thats why he knew there was no way the network would allow dean to reciprocate so he did the best he could to work around the homophobia and make destiel canon as much as possible for us.

this is the most “resolution” we were given by a show we spent years watching and loving. we rooted for the characters, we fought as much for their happiness as they did themselves. and it ended up stabbing jensen, misha, bobo, other cast members, some writers and the fans in the back.

deans face here is all i have left to hold on to and thats not fair. and its not fair that after all these years this is what they did to one of the most complex love stories ever told. not only that, but dean and cas were also some of the complex characters ever put to screen. this is not a good ending for them and it never will be. not until they both get the endings they deserve, as individuals and as one. and im sorry for the pain all this mess has caused and would like nothing more than to squeeze everyone really tight and tell you it’ll be okay.

[antoine-roquentin]

The American mainstream media is throwing a classic tantrum over President Biden's decision to withdraw from Afghanistan. We've got the hastily-assembled pieces telling the story of what happened in elaborate detail, "hard-hitting" interviews, thousands of op-eds, and cable news coverage so obsessive and breathless that even MSNBC barely interrupted Afghanistan coverage to mention that a Trump-supporting terrorist with an apparent truck bomb was threatening to blow up the Capitol building on Thursday. (Conservative white terrorists don't really count, it seems.)

At a White House press conference Friday, reporters pressed Biden with highly unusual aggressiveness. The American mainstream press, particular its television outlets, just can't quit the forever war.

As Judd Legum writes at Popular Information, big outlets have almost exclusively turned to critics of the Afghanistan withdrawal in their coverage, and in virtually every case people who supported the invasion and occupation. A public relations specialist told Popular Information that TV bookers were straight-up refusing to have anyone on who supports the decision to withdraw. Indeed, as Eric Alterman writes at The American Prospect, many people now being given a platform to hector Biden about his supposed failures were not only directly involved in the catastrophically bungled occupation but were revealed in The Washington Post's "Afghanistan Papers" to have blatantly lied to the public about how well it was going. The Post itself is not innocent either — a recent David Ignatius op-ed compared Biden's team ending a war to the infamous Vietnam-era "best and the brightest" who started one.

It goes without saying that until this outbreak of hysterics, the mainstream media had almost totally ignored Afghanistan for the last decade. Nobody except a handful of intemperate critics read the dozens of Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction (SIGAR) reports showing the occupation was a cataclysmic disaster through and through. The main evening news programs on broadcast TV spent a grand total of five minutes combined on the country in 2020, and even before the pandemic barely more than that. As Jim Lobe writes at Responsible Statecraft, "the three networks devoted a total of only 362 minutes to Afghanistan in the preceding five years, or just two hours of coverage per network, or an average of only 24 minutes per network per year."

It seems the media thinks it's fine to flush trillions of dollars down the toilet and get hundreds of thousands of people killed in a spectacularly doomed occupation, so long as the brutality is relatively easy to ignore.

It's not immediately obvious what explains a bias that is this extreme and widespread. Probably a number of factors are to blame. There is typical imperial chauvinism — the belief in American exceptionalism not only in thinking it is best country on Earth, but also that it has the right and ability to meddle in other countries' affairs whenever it wants.

Then there is the fact that a large fraction of purportedly "neutral" reporters have decided to brand themselves as hysterically pro-Troop — a tendency that got much stronger after 9/11. Every Veteran's Day and Memorial Day, you see a lot of normally buttoned-down reporters posting maudlin Twitter threads or Facebook posts appreciating American soldiers for their Heroic Sacrifice. (A recurring joke in lefty Twitter is baiting these folks into retweeting pictures of non-soldiers — like Chapo Trap House co-host Felix Biederman — or war criminals.) Some reporters have gotten so deep into instinctive troop worship that they can question basic principles of democracy like civilian control of the military, seemingly without even noticing. Here's CNN's chief national security correspondent:

Too many times, I’ve witnessed the US military attempt to dutifully carry out difficult & dangerous missions left to them by the miscalculations of civilian leaders.

Then there is the instinctive desire to appear "neutral." Mainstream outlets were extremely uncomfortable with the fact that, during the Trump presidency, simply reporting the news meant criticizing Republicans virtually nonstop. Therefore, anytime a Democrat does something that seems even mildly objectionable, they perform shrieking outrage so as to demonstrate their nonpartisan bona fides.

Finally, there is the fact that wars are extremely profitable for a small group of elites with deep connections to the press. Much of the tens of billions of dollars in occupation money was gobbled up by corrupt defense contractors who turned in shoddy work or straight-up fleeced the taxpayer. These contractors have hired dozens of former military officers who then go on television without disclosing that they have a direct financial interest in the conflicts they invariably advocate prolonging. In 2008, David Barstow at The New York Times found dozens of instances of this; Laura Bassett at HuffPost found the same thing in 2010; the Public Accountability Initiative found the same thing again in 2013; Lee Fang at The Nation found the same thing again in 2014; Paul Farhi at The Washington Post found the same thing again in 2020; and The Intercept found the same thing yet again over the last few days. Troop worship means that corrupt former generals get to ignore fundamental journalistic ethics.

Luckily, there are some signs that the American people are more-or-less sympathetic with President Biden's argument that withdrawal was a painful necessity. Despite an entire week of foghorn blast jingoist propaganda on every channel, a recent poll still found that 62 percent of Americans think the war was not worth fighting. I suspect if Biden continues to defend his position, most voters will conclude he did what he had to do.

note that that’s down from 73% in april prior to the onslaught

[unlocktxt]

hi 😄 i saw your reblog and i want to ask the same thing: what was your first impression of your moots?

First i want to say that I may of gotten a littleeeee carried away. I wanted to include as many people as possible, but some I don’t have enough to say. Despite this I might add more. I’ve met so many various people on this app and I’ve loved interacting with them all or just seeing them around. So much so that I can’t list everybody. I really love all my moots and there are so many of them that I’ll forever be grateful for. (yes i added a keep reading because this was so long and please excuse my gramtical errors)

@hoes4hoseok - our first impression was playing among us WHICH WAS SO FUN. I don’t remember much about talking to her in the game BUT I do remember that she was the first one to ever make the group chat filled with those who played with us. honestly I’m so grateful that she did that because I wouldn’t have been able to become friends with her and many others. I remember thinking that she was beyond kind and that she was good with trying to include everyone. After that I just remember hearing her voice and then DYING because she has a wonderful voice. I felt as though I related to you just a bit. Now I’ve gotten to see different aspects of her and really value her as a person and friend. She keeps things real and is so helpful. Sometimes I wish I could see what goes on inside her head because sometimes I think she reserves herself or overthinks and I’d like to give her a big hug.

@binniebutter - amie... oh amie 🙄 just kidding 😂 amie well... I also met her while playing among us in that same group. we played a lot with each other and I find that nice BECAUSE I CANT REMEMBER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT DURING THE FIRST TIME WE PLAYED. I think I do remember laughing about her and gen tho. In our first gc I remember thinking that she had a bright personality and could keep the conversation going. I also find out we live about an hour away so I was able to connect with her about that (I also was so excited just because IVE NEVER MET AN ONLINE FRIEND IN THE SAME STATE) After that we played among us a lot together and I just remember thinking amie was EVIL. She was funny though and I felt comfortable around her. Now... I honestly think I’m pretty close to amie emotionally. It’s very rare that I put down my guard and talk to someone about certain things (I don’t really think I’ve talked to her about certain things tho) I still feel as though I can talk to her or that I can cry or rant to her without feeling judged. I don’t know how much she’s come to me about, but anytime I try to comfort her i feel like I get to know her better. I usually don’t start joking with my friends and being “rude” to them unless I know that they know I love them, which is why I’m starting to show amie sarcasm at times ☺️ I may of written too much 😅

@hyukaite I ACTUALLY REMEMBER MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF KAT. oml we’d send asks every now and then and I remember thinking she was a crack head. From the videos I’d see her post to that one drawing. Man if only I could go all the way back to it, but it was monthssss ago. I also remember relating to her about having to help our sisters with math 💀. I wanted to be her friend after seeing her interact with some of my other moots, but I was too shy to actually message her so I stuck with sending in asks every now and then 😂 then we started playing among us together. I remember thinking “NOOOO SHE STOLE YELLOW” which led to me falling in love with the dark green among us color JFKAJFLW. After that I remember getting betrayed by her in the game SO MANY TIMES. she killed me during the Simon says task... to tell you what grudge I hold... I still remember it. ITS SUCH A HARD TASK AND SHE DIDNT LET ME FINISH IT. She also killed me in electrical when I thought she was INNOCENT. Now... kat I don’t even know how to describe her. She has many aspects to her that I love. She also is able to help me think straight whenever I let my anger get to me.

@yawnjunie - I thought she was shy at first because when I first met her she didn’t talk much, so I felt bad because I thought she didn’t feel all that welcomed by us (no specific reason we were just introduced to blu so abruptly 😂) After that I think I was intimidated by her at first JFJAKFJERI. We also compared our schools and our grade mindset which I think really opened my eyes a little bit more. I still believe she’s really smart Zknfaltn. She makes me laugh though and she also started the network moacabinet. She’s really sweet with so many ideas, but I feel bad because sometimes I think she gets stressed easily. She’s not on much, but everytime she’s online I’m blessed with her presence.

@kkuming - gigiiiii! my first impression of gigi was fairly simple. We met on the au group chat and she seemed really sweet. I wanted to try and give gigi a warm welcome and make sure she felt comfortable. I wish I remembered more about our first meeting. I DO HOWEVER remember thinking she was v v innocent. I sat back and watched gigi get thrown into the group and laughed my ass off at how she interacted with kat. I was worried that because the others were already so comfortable with her and joking around about things that she may actually think that the “divorce” or whatever it was that kat and her had would make her upset, so I wanted to remind her that I appreciated her Zofnakfjeof. She also was taking a lot of stressful classes so I could only hope this girl didn’t die underneath all that stress. Now I- she’s crazy guys. Just kidding 😂 she’s still really sweet and jokes around with all of us. I’m glad she’s online a lot more now. she’s also really funny.

@lipbeom - I’m like 99.9% sure rynn was the first person I ever really talked to on tumblr. I thought she was a really good writer and saw that she was a senior as well, so I was glad that I wasn’t the only one on tumblr that was going to suffer through the last year of school. I was so glad when she messaged me first like Y’ALL HAVE NO IDEA. When I first met her I remember thinking she was really sweet AND BEYOND SMART. I’m really grateful for rynn and I actually miss her a lot because I feel like I don’t interact with her as much as I should. She was very supportive and still is. It’s only been a few months since I first talked with her but I’m reminiscing 😂 She also got me hooked on selling sunset WHICH WAS AMAZING but I was talking like the girls on the show for WEEKSSSSSSS.

@bbhyeoliskooks - I don’t really remember how I came across her, but I realized she was a new moa writer and wanted to check her out. My first impression... hmmm I guess you could say that I believed she was very grateful even when she didn’t have to be. Sometimes she makes me feel old 💀 but she’s reminds me a little bit of my sister... just way sweeter. She’s very loyal and anytime you tell her you’ve posted something oml she’s wonderful. She’s the type of person who is really supportive and I appreciate that, but sometimes I feel like I don’t give her enough of ittttt. I really need to go stalk her blog now as for some reason I don’t see her notifs half the time. I’m really proud of her and think she’s one of the sweetest people on tumblr NOT TO MENTION SHE SINGS BEAUTIFULLY.

@txthearteu - oml cj 😂 she is also one of the first people I talked to on tumblr. I don’t really remember our first impression tho :/. I DO REMEMBER I READ ONE OF HER STORIES THO and i sent an ask about it because she deserved the recognition for it. Hmmm at first I believe I was intimidated because she is older than me 😂 however she was so extremely sweet and I loved talking to her. I tried talking about various different things with her because I wanted our conversation to continue hehe. She stays feeding me 😌 and even if I can’t physically eat del taco I get full off of the love and support cj gives me. My eyes light up when I see her in my notifs. I think she deserves the world and I always want to be there for her. I don’t think I can ever repay her for the love she’s given me.

@sung4oon - SAM I SWEAR IF YOU CHANGE UR URL BEFORE I HAVE A CHANCE TO POST THIS! I met her when her url was... 👁👄👁 lixxie sumtin. I think it was lixieebear. I truly don’t remember her first impression 💀 the only thing I remember was thinking that she was also a crack head. She was really funny and sweet and DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE WHOLE BRAINCELL THING. I should’ve given her my brain cells for christmas. I still think she’s really fun to talk to and I literally try to remind myself as much as possible that I need to go stop by and send an ask every now and then. Even so she still says hi to me ☺️

@beomiebear5 - R A I N A. hehehehehehe I actually love this first impression for me. At the time I saw her anon asks to rynn. I saw that she was going to start posting stuff on her blog soon and she gave a hint about how to find her. Ofc I let rynn do that herself BUT I went searching KFJSIFIWFKW I couldn’t help it I saw it as a challenge. My first impression was rlly just that she was sweet. Then after a while KFJAOFJWOF I really love interacting with her and seeing her rants. Gosh she’s so funny and ✨inspires✨ me. I’m always down to talk to her because she’s amazing and sweet.

@magicisland9-34 - lillie ☺️ I honestly don’t remember our first impression? I do however remember when she first sent an ask! I would always get so excited when I got an ask from her 😂 I loved talking to her and she let me ramble on and on. Whether that be about gymnastics or ballet. Once again even lillie is sweet, but she’s betrayed me for siding with amie about Christmas 😤. She’s also one of the people that I try to remind myself to go and visit their blog and see what they’ve posted.

@spookybias - if I remember correctly gen was the first one who reblogged my about me post, which ended up allowing others on this app to see that I was a new writing blog. She was also one of the first people I followed and one of the first who followed me, so I was really grateful and thought she was beyond helpful and nice. I also really believe she’s a great writer and i admired how she would tell things how they are. She’s always been sweet to me even if she’s threatened to shoot me a while back 😤. OH YEAH we also played among us together in that group as well and I always suspected her at one point. IT WAS BECAUSE THE ONE TIME I TRUSTED HER SHE KILLED ME.

@bffsoobin - My first impression of Sara was pretty simple like I found her blog and fell in love. she writes so well and I’ve loved everything I’ve read from her. I thought she was really pretty and pretty funny too. When she’d talk about some of her stories revolving school it honestly made my day as well. I admire her especially because she’s such a good writer and LET ME TELL YOU when she followed me back I think I did a little cheer. I was reading her fics before I even started writing on tumblr.

@soobcxre - I saw Sara around because we had a lot of moots in common and when I saw them interact I would just think about how I wanted to befriend her 😂. When she texted me I got so excited, but I WAS SO CAUGHT UP IN SCHOOL TOO. She’s also really sweet ajfjwkfjw and I’m glad to have met her.

@lovesickchoi - MADDIE 🤩 I.... I don’t remember my first impression of her 🥲. It may of revolved around asks? I think I ended up trying to get to know her more at the time I was trying to get to know yoonie. I say this because I remember always seeming to get their urls mixed up... I think it’s because the h at the beginning. I LITERALLY DONT REMEMBER HOW WE STARTED INTERACTING. She’s also an amazing writer tho! Now I still think she’s sweet and we’ve talked about yeonbin together 😂.

@sunoo-luvs - 🥺 zaara JFJAJRKSKF literally my first impression was “cute.” That still stands btw. She’s absolutely the sweetest and is really considerate of others IM SCARED BECAUSE SHE MAY APOLOGIZE FOR THINGS THERES NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR. Even so she can easily add happiness to people’s day with just a hi and a hug.

@i2gyu - I- first impression: scary. IM KIDDING wait... actually even though that was a joke because she used to stop by and say “boo” I MAY OF ACTUALLY FELT INTIMIDATED BY HER AT FIRST. I think one of the first times we interacted was about a network and at the time I was ready to join a network SO I FELT SO BAD FOR SAYING NO. Afterwards tho I realized how nice she was and I always end up getting a little energetic once I see she’s sent in an ask. One day I’m scared I won’t see her change her url or blog, but that’s if she does again.

@fairycore-gyu - I haven’t interacted with anyone new recently and when I saw kira that obviously changed 😂. I related to her with music taste and stuff. LET ME TELL YOU when someone seems to have the same music taste I JUST my eyes light up. She was really welcoming and I instantly felt like I could message her anytime. I also just realized she’s a pisces 🥺.

@yoonjunie - I just remember thinking ooooo new moa writer! I think anyone who comes across her can say she’s very welcoming and sweet + she deserves everything she has. I really just wanted to support her 😂 I need to interact with her more and read more from her blog.

@hyeyoonwrites - yoonie 🥺 AHHHH okay 😂 first impression: LITERALLY THE SWEETEST. I know I’ve said that so many people here are sweet but yoonie is a different kind of sweet. I don’t know every single time I’ve interacted with her has felt like a soft hug. She’s supported me a lot and I really need to check up on her more frequently I feel guilty about it aifoshf.

@txtextme - gon I- even though we haven’t talked much she’s extremely funny and relatable. she just has this vibe that I love about her. I know I don’t have much to say, but I had to add her because she’s left an impact.

@yeonbins - VIVI HAS WONDERFUL GIFS. Every now and then I’ll see her post some stuff just talking and akfjskf. I mainly remember (I think) Starbucks getting her name wrong. Her names so pretty tho. I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH OLDER SHE WAS THAN ME. I also played among us with her for a lil... I was scared she was gonna murder me 😂.

[astrology-with-charu]

20 Jan 3:38pm ET Mars Conjunct Uranus 6º44’

Aquarius Season Begins ! Focus of Feb 2021 by sign :

So we have talked about it, warned about it, fret a little about it and at the same time felt a little excited about it. Mars Conjunct Uranus is here. As its not just a day long transit we have felt this about a week or so coming in and would continue to feel for a week on the way out though it wouldn’t ever be fully out. Fixed aspects are such they are never out of our system.

They create long term shifts in fixed corners of our psyche.

This is the most interesting aspect and to some its scary & erratic as well as it acts out of character or norm and its unpredictable. I have this aspect in my natal chart in a square and I can tell you people who deal with me have that kind of varied response too. Some find my actions interesting, some erratic, some strong willed and some think I am downright nuts - mission accomplished, keep them guessing 😉 When Mount Etna slowly but surely exploded its lava out after seething for a while it reminded me of this aspect. Whatever is hemmed in surely explodes - thats one thing thats certain of this aspect - Need for Freedom.

We take what we want from each aspect and each person so I am going to try and see if we can draw the best of this aspect. It happens every year & in Taurus it helps over seven years release fixity in comfort zone corners of our life in food, in money, in assets, in economy, in voice, in talents. The special and unique thing about it this year and about 2021 as a whole is that this aspect are / will aspect the 5 planets in Aquarius over Jan and Feb - nothing real or noticeable happens without a square - I mean what’s the point if it wont be in your face 😉. You cant ignore a square, its not easy but it makes sure you notice it and do something about it cause otherwise it just hurts too much to live with it. It actives us to make the shift.

So if you feel the pain in places you used to draw comfort from, know its your body and psyche giving you hints like boulders to make that shift.

I noted where and what this aspect is happening in my 2021 note as thats something where every fabric of your being would look for more freedom and shift in. How will it play out though, where would it manifest is another story cause those 5 planets in Aquarius in this season will help you put the sand in the sandpit for you to play in and display your need for freedom, brilliance and change. Mercury will also be going retrograde in Aquarius (30 Jan-20Feb) so you will have some rethink, rework before you put the first layer in - this process will go on this year as Saturn and Jupiter go back and forth over it helping you create source of your next 20 years of growth using this first layer of sand you are putting in Aquarius season.

Videos by sign done before :

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLv3tUTLu8-MT2IvHWqfAHwrOXVpEPjfxw

Across signs Mars Uranus is a volatile energy so physically you would want to be careful with devices, knives etc especially fixed signs : Taurus, Aquarius, Leo and Scorpio especially planets around 7º.

Let’s begin - by sign what are you about to begin:

#Aries : Network, platform, investment gains, group of influential

Looking to have a platform or a group of influential people or a fan base or a set of like minded people - your tribe who can work on the new vision you have of your life. That’s where it will manifest. What’s the driver and what’s the Mars Uranus restleness and brilliance - its in your money, confidence, self respect and assets house. You seek freedom in financials, radical self confidence in your personal assets and its a drive to prove your worth to none other than yourself. It’s you wanting to play and have fun with assets and money without being tied down. Creating all of it from the things that bring you bigger vision of life and helps you connect with people on larger scale instead of being confined and limited in your outlook to life. So you would work on money & asset shifts and manifest it in form of a platform or a network or a group of like minded people working on a larger vision - also through investments beyond a job, gains from investments. Detachment from fixity of assets and any kind of source of income that inhibits your freedom would seem urgent and essential. It might almost feel manifestation of your vision is impossible without it. Money becomes a means to freedom and you look to stop trading money for time as how you spend your time becomes more meaningful. A step towards that vision is what this season is about.

#Taurus : Job, career, leadership style, your title

Looking to start a new job or a new way to do a job or a shift in title - what you are know as and known for, shift in how you are a leader of your life. Driver is you don’t want to be who you were before. You want to detach from your past life in some ways as you would like to be more authentic to yourself, be more of you instead of what others want you to be or see you as. As you “show yourself” so as to speak - the existing mode of how you express yourself - which is normally our profession, our formal title - would also shift with it cause you want it to. Mars Uranus right now might make you feel very rebellious - wanting to jump out of your skin - sorry I don’t know why the werewolf analogy is popping in my head - you are beautiful inside out - but as risk of offending you I will use that analogy. It’s about you about to pop out - if you are a wolf inside and have been a sheep outside, it wont work for you especially not in your job. Yes it can be an erratic display, a conflict, a fight with authority but you know what - its long overdue probably. We can manage how it looks but not how it is - how it is , is how it is. So it would be a bit of truth time and time to move to what’s more real to you as you make a new start this season in your work.

#Gemini : Travel (jeez talk about being a tease), adventure, higher education, publication, putting your content on a platform, teach, higher mind

Geminis are going places, wanting to start something that gives them adventure, gives them that high vibe they crave. Aquarius season activates a very positive and to some extend radical part of their chart - this is what makes them so brilliant and interesting. They get radical also positively. They look like they are thinking of ten things at a time seemingly lost on all ten but inside they are synthesizing how to take over the world. This is where Gemini converge all they have learned and put it into a book, into a publication, on a platform, they teach, they engage with people who are different and far from them using tech and state of art platforms, they create state of art platforms to publish information thats useful and meaningful. Their drive is this Mars and Uranus bringing all thats within to right in from of them - they don’t feel scared any more of endings, of facing any demons within or outside, of facing their own fears - they have got to do it cause they are after finding their place in this wide wide universe. They are after establishing meaning of their existence and wanting to make it valuable beyond imagination. They want to wrap all their hidden talents, hidden insecurities and light it all on fire to get out in the open. It’s almost like they are asking - let me see how my worst fears play out - let me see what was I really afraid of. So I don’t ever have to use that word “fear” ever again anymore. Preach Gemini we are all ears!

#Cancer : Give & take in partnerships, Karmic, depth, healing

You know they say those who hurt so much, learn to heal others of their hurt. I always think of Cancerians when they say that. Cause why else would God or higher powers make them feel so much... unless it was to help them understand how every living being feels in every living instance. Human emotions isn’t the only thing Cancerians are expert on using their intuition on - they are sensitive on knowing the undercurrent of society and even financial world if they apply themselves to it. They are brilliant in seeing things below the surface but they create a protective layer even against their own intuition sometimes cause sometimes what they see hurts them. That sometimes makes a Cancerian stay in dysfunction longer than they should. So its a new wave of detaching ourselves from what’s karmic what’s bad for us and our intuition has told us so many times but we have been shielding ourselves from our own knowing. Its time to start a new ledger and put a knot on all old karmic ties so you establish a blank slate. A new start in much more powerful way of being when it comes to partnership, seeing the writing on the wall and handle give and take differently in relationships, use your depth and intuition in financial matters where you know things way ahead of time. Using your knowledge of matters unknown to others by putting that knowledge out on a platform, on a screen, for wide population to see. Sharing your depth, your knowing, your ideas with a larger set for their benefit versus reserving all your heart and love for one. Uranus and Mars will introduce you to unique people, offer you opportunities to work on new and state of art platforms to put your knowledge on and help you detach from past patterns in relating to others. Love is a tough topic, actually not love but intimacy and that depth & returns you seek in relationship is cause may be for far too long we have been mistaking unease, dysfunction, pain and karmic for depth and love. Love is not supposed to feel like pain. This is process of relearning it all by detaching from dysfunction. Starting new without the heavy.

#Leo : Clients, contract, commitment

Restless restless Leos have been looking for that thing, that thing they don’t know what thing, but that thing in their work, in their business, in their title, in the way they rule that domain of theirs - that links what they feel inside with a manifestation outside. They feel like a king or a queen inside - larger than life, magnanimous, caring for the people who benefit from just their smiling confident gaze. That’s their true self, that’s who they were born to be. But then life got in between and daily annoyances, need to pay the bills and take care of people got in the way. Licking the wounds of not being themselves for far too long, Leos have been waiting to roar. Fixed signs are triggered and Leos are on top of the list cause they crave and need to break out of these shackles that hold their mind down and make them be who they know within they are not. The place they would want to be themselves the most would be in how they handle their job, their work and especially in the one on one interactions with their clients and partners. You are preparing a stage for your enormous potential. It could be by working towards a new contract that allows to access to the client or people who you crave to connect with or gives you the kind of freedom and eclectic freedom and brilliance in work you crave. You want your clients, your partners, your platform to benefit from your ideas and brilliance. You need a mode to convey that - may its not in the traditional job or may be a traditional job needs to follow some new rules to make that happen. Either ways if there is not a way you will make a way - such is the fixed intensity of your Mars Uranus in your career - it will make you jump through jobs, rebel at jobs, create unique roles, create unique career - till you have got it. What would you start new to make it all happen - a new contract, a new commitment, a new partnership or a unique disruptive partner which helps you explore your own psych to see why any of the titles not fitting who you feel within. May be cause what you want doesn’t exist right now, may be cause you are a creator and not a follower, may be its time to stop looking for someone to create what you want and make it yourself.

#Virgo : Order, job, project, coworkers, work place, mind body connection

When Uranus first entered their house of higher mind over two years back, it was almost like something very subtly but surely shifted in them. Whatever they thought they knew about life and where theirs’ is going at least changed. It’s a weird thing - philosophy - its supposed to be nebulous, non physical thing but its one thing in our life which if shifts - everything consequently has to shift to adjust it. As their philosophy in life shifted and is in process of fully changing who they are - Virgos have to adjust the most important thing in their life to adjust that to go with it - their own daily routines, the thread of life that runs their physical existence - their processes, their work environment, who they work with and what kind of projects they work on and most importantly how they take care of your body. Its a cause of friction when your life philosophy and who you are within has expanded but you still continue to work with the same people or employ the same people you did before or the way you handle your body and your routines stay the same. When your higher mind has been set free you need to start a new chapter in your physical reality as well - new start in your own daily routines, when you work out, where you work out, how you take care of your body, what kind of projects you work on, who you work with or who you hire, what’s the structure of your work place, what’s the kind of workplace you go to. Its got to reflect it all - your daily environment has to mirror your higher vision else you will feel a friction in your body and that friction would show up in form of non stop conflicts with coworkers or unease in health. Use this season to break a pattern and start anew.

#Libra : Risk appetite, love, passions, children, joy

People have a lot against pandora box - I love the unexpected nature of it all - I love the fact that it shows that side of us that we knew was in us but it wasn’t oh so kosher to show up cause of others. But when you close it - the gifts go back in as well as does hope, joy and passion. The very balanced and my beautiful Librans can write their own book on balance and the evils of opening such boxes but what if it was knocking on their own doors. Uranus and Mars wakes up a dormant yet very important part of Librans thats not only powerful, its essential to help them make their passions come to life. Some call it kundalini release some call it that coiled serpent - one thing thats common in it all is that its not something that anyone attaches with a Libra archetype. Its raw passion, even anger, jealousy, need to be powerful, establish that right give and take in partnership, knowing your own worth and not being shy of making it evident and asking returns that corraborate that. Its somewhat essential to release that - cause its also the part of you that helps you go after your desires, helps you take a bit of risk in your love and professional life, helps you give birth to what you love and would cherish as your legacy. So thats where we begin - driver is to come into your own power, to release archaic ways of give and take in partnership, to let the patterns play out as they should and not on basis of how good or bad they look. What you start new to give that drive an outlet is a new passion, a new appetite for risk in life and that could be in form of a new love, a new hobby, a child, a business thats like a child - its you giving birth to what you would love, cherish and is an extension of your love for self. This is excellent season for you Libra as its your house of joy which is woken up but its facing a hesitance - a bit like resistance to ones own happiness as it requires you to go out of your element to get there. It requires you to not hide the powerful side of you when you deal with others and let them know what you know.

Don’t reduce yourself to make mediocre feel comfortable. They aren’t elevated, we become mediocre in the process.

#Scorpio : Home, family, ancestors, place of living, comfort

People don’t understand why a Scorpio needs to be sure before going into something or going “steady” and why they have to “sense” out things. Sage the hell out of their aura cause they are about to occupy mine for a lifetime says my Scorpio rising.

People don’t get that as much as we are eager to act and ready to face any consequence, we have a fixity in our relationships and partnerships. Partners and relationships never leave Scorpios even when they leave. But the “please no drama” zone of partnerships to be honest has become a bit of battlefield lately. What are we fighting for though. More freedom, more authenticity possibly. But may be more passion, more expression, more dynamism. Its such a contradiction isn’t it - the area we seek the most stability in - we also seek the most excitement and freedom in as well. That kind of freedom can only be based in trust, can only be based if we feel stable in our footing. Feel sure of the ground we stand on and then we can build all the existing relationships, connect with unique partners and clients / networks with. Aquarius season and this year of Saturn Jupiter in our house of home, family, place of living is aiming to do just that. Beef up the home metaphorically and physically. So this season we do something new in that direction so we can take more risks in our business and personal partnerships. We embellish our home, shift houses, countries, find a home within home and find the resources that beef us up from within or find that tribe we can call family that help us get there. Nothing above the surface can fly higher without that home as much as we would want to run away from it. So it might be time to put roots, find that place or do something make your family comfortable in some ways so you have a sure footing within - by purchasing real estate or changing your lease or shifting something in the house or deciding which country you would live in. Normally modern family structures and home structures suit us, possibly away from place of birth or away from parents in some ways - Scorpios cherish the closeness that comes from letting them have their “space” - may be time to find a bit of space so you can think, create and draw strength from. Beef those roots up.

#Sagittarius : Communication, immediate environment, commercial skills

Like a fish out of water, Sagittarius might have put themselves in a zone totally out of their comfort zone cause what they themselves don’t understand right now is that traditional isn’t cutting it for them as much as they are trying. Old isn’t vast enough to let them be who they need to be. The kind and level of commercial success and to some extend the kind of impact they are looking for doesn’t come from traditional careers. They are looking to create something unique and its coming in tough by sticking to old work environment or even that environment might have stopped suiting who they are becoming. Its a process that started over two years back when Uranus first started in their house of work and health - creating a bit of environment of restless brilliance which is just waiting to pop but not yet finding possibly its outlet. Not yet finding that outlet cause may be using the old skill sets and using the old teachings / learnings or old modes and methods of selling / communicating. When you cannot stand the confinement of your surrounding, usually your immediate environment needs a shift - as does the people you see on a daily basis, the road to work you take, the car or vehicle you use and the platforms / devices you use for communicating your perspective along with the words that you are communicating. This new start this season is an up skill to a new commercial reality by changing what you talk, what you sell, what your talents are. I love that unique brilliant futurist sign of Aquarius sits in mind of Sagittarius - it makes them say what they think but also say what they see far ahead of time. They blurt out outstanding thoughts... well without a thought. Possibly a new course can be pretty helpful just to open your mind to new way to commercialize those brilliant thoughts. Perhaps a new neighbourhood or new surroundings can open the mind to more suitable environment that help you commercialize. Perhaps a new platform or new communication devices help support your work in the way you would like. Perhaps a new route to work could help support the new health routine you are looking for. Anything that opens your mind to new economy would be a helpful hand in your journey to get more freedom in your work and provide a platform for you to express your ahead of time ideas. But speak, sell, communicate, connect, commercialize - its time to.

#Capricorn : Money, assets, networth and self worth

I have said it before and I am going to shout from the rooftops till everyone knows, I love love the Uranus transit Capricorn are getting on. Its so freeing - its going to free their sense of joy, their ability to connect with the fun playful innocent child within which has been forced to grow up way too fast with the last few years of transit. Uranus in your house of joy and passions is screaming to release all thats fun, confident, talented, creative, passionate about you. You feel driven to take the risks you have not taken in love, in money, in business - it creates this radical confidence in your ability to bring things to life, in your ability to give birth to the unique thoughts within. And it all, as with everything else with Capricorn, has got to be something real - something touch it feel it. The manifestation of it all to start with could be seen in your financials , in your assets, in things you are going to buy or invest in. Aquarius season starts a new cycle in your networth and self worth. New source of income, new asset, new investment, new purchase that would add to your networth and a new sense of self that helps you go after getting true value of your talents. You might even go after aquiring some talents that help you create more value e.g. in stock markets. You are on a new journey where you want to be free of guilt in being happy, in being fruitful, uninhibited smile - whatever brings that on, bring that on!

#Aquarius : You

Everyone’s talking about you or of you, you don’t necessarily like that... you didn’t ask for it but may be you did - its all been going stale for a while so you did ask for it all to become interesting and it all started being a bit more interesting two years back and now its just all changing way too fast. More importantly think I am changing too fast and rest is changing with me cause my comfort zone is shifting - cause well I wanted to do something different. So here it is that time to start new life, new you in your season - Happy Aquarius Season to you and happy birthday to Aquarius Sun. It just is how your season would be for next few years but this is a landmark one as lot of energy concentrated in your sign is being challenged by your own inertia to change things cause you feel the comfort zone will be lost in some ways - not registering there is no comfort zone anymore. When a kite has taken a flight there is no ground to rest on so its better to learn to fly breathlessly a bit cause stopping isn’t an option at this stage. Unprecedented growth is the reward awaiting of you taking over the reigns of your life in your hand. You have taken a journey where you are fully owning everything in your life, now so don’t look back - start another new chapter in that new direction you have decided to go on. There could be physical volatility in home, family or place of living - its like some constant ground you stood on is shaking - cause its limiting your ability to go where you need to. Its like you need to almost forget where you came from to become who you need to be - leaving the nest is one thing, forgetting the patterns that physically kept you there is another. This is like you are literally being reprogrammed as a person - physically in your body, in your fitness, in what kind of a leader you are and how you show up to the external world. And as part of that reprogramming, your old patterns would have to be irrevocably erased. Whatever it takes!

#Pisces : Peace, healing, health, recognizing your hidden talents & place in universe

Most brilliant creators go to isolation away from everyone to create their masterpiece even though the masterpiece is for the enjoyment of the very people they are going away from. Its like somehow they need to connect with themselves before they can give to others their best work. Its like for it all to be kosher pure chaste and brilliant it needs to be all free of any influence. Do you feel the need to shut all that noise sometimes so you can hear what the universe is trying to talk just to yourself - so you can find why you came here - what is your role and what are you here to serve. Uranus in your house of mind, create such sensitivity and brilliance in your mind that you feel sometimes an idea a minute coming - yet not having an outlet for it all sometimes just leaves a restless feeling that makes it impossible to settle down or sleep sometime. What if you needed a beat to put it all down, what if you needed to create your island so you can in that silence synthesize all that the rest of the connections have inspired you to think of. I am in no way suggesting its time to go on a mountain but I am saying there are two parts of you - conflicting parts of you fighting it out right now. One is teaming with day to day bustle, so much talk, so much information, so much connection, so many ideas, so many people in surrounding acting erratically. Yet not being able to leave that cause I know I can create here something unique, I am learning so much commercially, I am meeting so many unique people, I am actively engaged in my mind and body. Yet this can make you exhausted and scattered. Aquarius season and this year helps you find that corner behind the stage where all the real work happens. You work on a network project behind the scene there, you find peace in your thoughts there, you possibly connect with your hidden skills there, you meditate, put yourself in unique healing positions and potions to bottle all that brilliance into something of value, something of impact, something that can benefit many people. Gift that place behind the stage this season by starting a practice, finding your spirituality again, work on a behind the scene project thats your vision, deal with your fears and inner world. Its going to completely change how you deal with that active, bustling yet brilliant external life of yours. All innovators do this and you are one. All innovators also decide to give away & serve before they get & gain.

[someone-always-cares]

chapter 4, page 23

first - previous - next

[image description: an sac webcomic page. “i would have been marked late if i went through the front, so i cut corners and took the back door. window. whatever. i was actually about to fake a call for mr whats-his-face for a distraction so i could climb in. unitl you showed up” lewis explains as the two boys keep walking.

“glad to help.” says rami, tilting his head confused, but almost teasing.

“my hero” replies lewis, pressing the back of his hand to hs head in mild false dramatics. rami laughs at this, much to lewis’s delight. he stares at rami, eyes full of wonder at the others boys laughter, the panel background pink and sparkly.

“a knight in shining armour!” he proclaims, dialing up the dramatics, one hand on his chest, the other gently reaching up to the ceiling, where he pictures a spotlight shining down with a flurry of flower petals, while rami continues to laugh. it is notable that page has three rows of panels, the backgrounds of said panels form the three stripes of the bisexual pride flag. end id]

if you missed it last time, heres the bonus pride drawing from earlier this week!

lewis @ anyone: i dont trust you fuck off

also lewis, @ anyone whos both nice and gives off at least vaguely queer vibes: ok silly time activated

also important note: i decided to put the mental health resources on a permanent page on the blog, listed here, or if youre on the blog its listed next to the cast page

anyway: these organizations and charities could still really use your money right now

cash bail funds (us and toronto) | MN organizations | a masterpost of BLM links | various black lgbt+ funds | BLM UK | runnymede | stop hate uk | racial justice network | BLM carrd | black lives matter doc | long list of black trans groups

several of these also include useful resources eg petitions, information about protests, educating yourself and others, ect, so worth a look even if you cant donate

or if you cant spare money:

passively donate money via youtube ad revanue | tab for a cause | cartoonists database

fun fact i realised a bit back, esp when thinking of the current few page: not sure how to put it in words but i guess that rami tends to think in words but lewis tends to think in pictures?

[image description: a compliation of lewis from various pages of the comic, all with him thinking pretty visially, eg “worlds worst excuse trophy”, the part from him picturing himself holding up a boombox “except the song is him, screaming”, a cd with “now thats what i call a huge smartass: new hit singles by some dumbass”, himself buff and grinning, and a buffering logo. end id]

[image description: a compliation of rami from various pages of the comic, all with him thinking mostly with words, of him trying to escape from his restraints and dukes bathroom, and his thoughts overwhelming him trying to talk to cap’s mothers, and failing to think of something to say to cam while hugging her. end id]

unintentional so not a set rule but it seems to be there! neat!

If I were to brush off the ol' art student bullshitting skills I could also frame it as how they plan things out. As in Rami does plan and Lewis doesn't. Eg Rami actually plans stuff like how to defeat the water guy and also trying to plan his way out of a kidnapping situation even while bloody and concussed but Lewis on the other hand does not plan at all. Terrible at lying on the spot and also climbs drainpipes and buildings without going hey maybe I could just take the fucking stairs perhaps

[capricornus-rex]

Playing Pretend (4)

Requested by: @calkesttiss​ | Prompt:

Hi! I just watched isi & ossi (rich girl and poor boxer boy AH) on netflix and now i cant stop thinking about cal and fake dating. Do with that what you will 😂

Cal Kestis x Reader

1 | 2 | 3 | Next: Part 5 | Masterlist

4 of ?

Cal found a way down the building and walked his way back to the Mobara Palace, one of the few cantinas in the Capital that have docking bays. The Mobara Palace was one of the biggest in the city too; occupying a whole block to cover the bar itself as well as the elaborate network of paths that connect the bays to one another, with the cantina at the starting point of it all.

The Mantis’s entrance ramp hissed and lowered, opening the door before him. An aromatic waft was the first to welcome him upon his entry.

“Looks like Greez is cooking something good,” he comments to BD-1.

As he entered the ship, Greez’s dual pairs of arms were all over the pantry and yet each arm was carefully distributed to a certain task in cooking.

“Smells good, Greez!” Cal beamed.

“Oh good, you’re just in time for dinner—with all that wandering around you’re doing, you’re probably hungry,”

He joined the others at the table as soon as Greez lifted the pot from the stove and served everyone their own plates. The meal was solemn and yet there was a warm aura emanating around them. Cal decided to up the mood by striking a conversation.

“How long do you guys still think we’re gonna stay here until this blows over?”

A silence at the dinner table. Cere’s eyes shifted, she searched Greez’s face and studied his reaction toward Cal’s question. There was only one possible and realistic answer, but the boy doesn’t seem to concur with it.

“Cal,” she clears her throat. “You do understand why…”

Before she could even reiterate her question, Cal already knew this mere dinner table conversation was going to be another lecture.

“I know. We’re hiding from the loan shark that Greez borrowed the money from to get this ship,”

It was an embarrassing truth, but a truth nonetheless. Greez felt like the situation required him to say a piece.

“Look, kid, we can scrape by with what we have. I mean, I still got coin on me—but not that enough to cover the loan plus with its interest!”

“Odd jobs, honest jobs, aren’t gonna cut it in a short time, Greez. At least you would know that, of all people,” Cal argued.

Cal had been wandering around the city looking for a quick way to earn some coin in the quickest way possible. The downtown and underground areas of the planet had some questionable methods of earning money—but they were easy money. Although Cal had grown up with street smarts, part of that knowledge is when and where a solution is either a real solution or another problem later on.

“You know the Sabacc, don’t ya?” Greez whispered with the left corner of his mouth directed to Cal.

“Greez, we are not going with gambling!” Cere sternly exclaimed. The impact of her fork dropping against the plate was just as scary as a fist landing on the table like a gavel.

There was another silence amongst them again. Cere continued on with her own piece.

“We cannot endanger anyone in our crew with something that won’t be worth our while. I don’t mind pretending to be some stranger in a different name just so we can have someplace to stay safe together. But I will not allow anybody in this ship to get into something that would jeopardize themselves or the crew altogether, understand?”

Cere’s outburst hardened the silence. Everybody understands that she hasn’t outgrown her military discipline from her days of participating in the Clone Wars—and she’s utilizing them in predicaments such as these amongst the Mantis crew members.

These episodes of hers were occasional, therefore it made her unpredictable, intimidating, but somehow her aggressive delivery doesn’t outweigh her rationale or true motive. Everybody—Cal, Greez, Merrin, and ultimately BD-1—knew that she means well and that she always will.

Cere processed what just had happened with her. She attempted to recompose herself in the midst of the awkwardness. She cleared her throat.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to yell.”

“It’s fine, Cere,” Greez consoles.

The dinner proceeds. Cal wondered if the girl he met yesterday and bumped into just now would be a better subject to talk about.

“I met someone last night. Bumped into her again,”

All heads turn to Cal.

“She frequents a pub not too far from here. I always see her near or inside that place. Maybe if I bump into her again, I’ll ask her where I can find a place to get some cash—and a clean one at that,”

“Are you sure she is to be trusted?” Cere maintained her stern tone even after recomposing herself.

Cal was so sure of his judgment about you. He recalled the moments where you two were together. He felt your kindness and compassion—he knew of your good intentions, you meant no harm—but he also sensed some sort of sadness in you.

“You probably have heard of Senator Bail Organa?” Cere takes the conversation reins.

Cal shrugs, “Yeah sure, I know him. I saw him sometimes in the Senate Building in Coruscant.”

“Well, he knows of our presence here—don’t worry, he doesn’t know about the loan shark at our tail—and he’s invited us to a social function,”

“Social function?” Cal raised his eyebrow at Cere’s unusual choice of word.

“Apparently, this party was being held by a colleague of his. Perhaps they needed to fill the guestlist,”

“Proxies,”

“Exactly.”

“How bad can a few no-show guests be? It’s not like it’s gonna dent their bank account when the catering bill comes!” Greez dryly joked and it was the received likewise.

In light of this new announcement, Cal began to wonder how long does he have to stay in the party before he could sneak back out in the streets and find the unusual girl who had to drag him up a rooftop from the Tipsy Taun-Taun just to ask for some self-defense moves.

The following days passed until the day of the banquet has come. That morning, your mother personally made sure that you don’t sleep in and get yourself ready as quickly as possible. She also announced that the stylists are coming in half an hour.

“Mom, I’m perfectly capable of doing my own makeup!” You detest despite still being groggy from being woken up without your consent.

You force yourself out of bed so that you could take a shower. Unfortunately, you didn’t have the luxury of staying too long in the bath—however, you sorely wished you did. You slid deeper into the cold, ivory and gold-trimmed bathtub until only your eyes are on the surface.

A pounding on the door disturbed your watery peace.

“[y/n], hurry up!” your mother growled from the other side.

“Almost done!” you cried back.

You were actually done minutes ago, you only chose to soak yourself for a bit longer with the wishful thinking that they’ll never realize that you’ve locked yourself in your own bathroom. You’d love that though.

“No one could ever go wrong with black,” you muttered as you pulled out an off-shouldered black cocktail dress with stars and planets embroidered with golden thread.

You made quick work of yourself. You did your hair and makeup: applying minimal makeup as possible, you wore your hair down and clipped a silver headband on both ends with four tiers of golden cords hanging over on top of the other. Staring back at yourself in the mirror, a brush in your hand slides down to the length of your hair; with every stroke, you ponder if all this your parents are doing is ever worth it either for themselves or for the family.

You sigh for an answer, or lack thereof. Afterwards, you donned the dress and the shoes—both pieces were in black. The finishing touch—a personal one at that—was a pair of leather fingerless gloves.

“Here goes nothing,” a mantra you tell yourself before exiting your room in attendance to any social gathering you were obliged to attend.

The party started without you. No surprise in that, you thought. Nevertheless, you made your way to ballroom where the chatter of the guests became more and more audible yet incoherent as their voices meddled.

Immediately, you searched for Tazha in the room. She wasn’t easy to miss. Her glittering dress outshines everyone else’s, literally making her a beacon for you to easily see her. You walk up to her.

“Oh you look great!” she compliments.

“Thanks, you too,”

Suddenly, one of the Ithrel sons, Logan who was the third son and was the same age as you, appears ot be walking toward you with what you thought is the stupidest grin you’ve ever seen on a face. He comes in strong by grabbing you by the waist, reel you in for a kiss except you successfully dodged it with your gloved hand.

“Logan? What the hell are you doing?!”

“Well, your mom paid me to flirt with you until you end up falling in love with me, I’ll have a chance in the Junior Legislator’s Program! Plus, we get to support your family until your dad becomes Senator or whatever, I mean, we don’t have a choice on that, we just gotta roll with it,” he beamed with an imbecile’s optimism. “Big bonus if we ever get married though. I mean, she wanted that to happen. So, marry me?”

“Hold up. She did what now?”

Logan repeated your own mother’s plan, he reiterated that this part wasn’t even in the original agreement. Your mother had to negotiate her way through the Ithrels in promising a much stronger bond of support to your family—therefore, you became a sacrificial lamb.

You and Tazha exchanged glances. Both of you communicated clearly through the furrows of your brows and the hard rolling of your eyes. A gradual burst of rage was flowing in your bloodstreams.

“Oh my God, this is just sad and pathetic of you, Logan,” Tazha condescendingly comments.

“I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind tonight,” you growled, your knuckles were white from gripping the bannister too hard.

You searched for your mother in the ballroom. When you spotted her and your father speaking with some guests, you marched through the sea of people until you reached her.

“Mother, may I speak with you?”

Yasina excused herself from her guest and she was in for a surprise with what is about to go down.

“You paid one of the Ithrel sons to date me?! Because you thought that would strengthen your connection with them just so Dad can secure his win in the election? You did this without me knowing? Whatever the hell happened to consent, Mom!?”

“[y/n] Elvas Torvel, I do not allow you to speak to me with a tone like that in an important event like this!” Yasina hissed, struggling to maintain her composure—both mentally and physically—after just being bombarded with questions by her daughter.

“Did you even ever stop to think how I’d feel if you paired me with a complete imbecile?!”

“[y/n], honey, please listen,” your father intervenes but the argument was heating up between you and your mother.

“The Ithrels are a good family. They uphold a clear reputation. We Torvels and Ithrels would be a great collaborative enterprise,”

“You don’t see the problem here, Mom? I don’t want to get married!”

Yasina was silent. Her face was completely aghast: her eyes wide open, her lip was trembling as if wanting to say something but couldn’t because of so much nerves thrashing underneath her skin.

“You will not ruin this event for your own selfish, adolescent needs, young lady. We are not finished with this discussion.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan on ending it soon.”

You walked out from your parents. Turning your back on them to wipe away the tears that was welling up in your eyes.

[ask-pokemon-ranger-kara]

Hi! Fellow Ranger here. I'm currently in the process of setting up a Ranger network for the Galar region's Wild Area and I was wondering what kind of structures you'd recommend for attracting nearby Pokémon? Just so we can have some close at hand to partner up with when we need 'em. So far I've built a nesting tree for the local bird Pokémon and started work on a bug/grass type garden but I know there's gotta be other stuff I can set up. Thanks for the help! Great to see another Ranger out here

Hello! I admittedly have very little knowledge of Galar or its Wild Area, but Im a little concerned about your actions. A wild area, by its very name, is meant to be untouched as much as possible. Surely in your training as a Ranger, you were told again and again how much of Ranger work revolves around preserving the area in it natural state as much as possible, unless for the safety of pokemon and people? These things, while they seem ok, likely are going to do more harm than good. I can only assume these were being authorized due to some agreement the local Ranger branch has with the Galarian government I can very much sympathize with not having pokemon nearby when you need them. We have all been there, but we all have to adapt and go searching for what we need. Its nice to think of the posibilities, but the risks outweigh the benifits.

1. Wild pokemon will learn that buildings and gardens provide a ready supply of food, and will wander into cities or harass humans to obtain what they have learned these structures provide. A large pokemon who learns they can eat from the garden will go to other gardens. A Pokemon who expects these things to be provided has a good chance of getting violent if the spot doesnt continue to provide, and overall pokemon will leave thier wild habitat and leave voids in the ecosystem that normally isnt effected by, say, a trainer catching one or two pokemon. Many pokemon species are social, so youd be looking at a group of pokemon relocating. 

2. Pokemon Lures, like honey in Sinnoh, are often easy for trainers to spot, and since these structures are permanent, it would be fairly easy for a Trainer to camp out nearby and nab pokemon without much effort, thus also depriving you of these hypothetical helpers, and open up a possibility of poaching. There is also the high chance that other trainers might see this and decide to make thier own. This makes habitat and population monitering much harder, and again, poachers will capitalize on these structures. And they can all say they thought it was ok sice they saw them out in the wild area with nothing to say others couldt build thier own.

3. Structures like you mentioned are generally only authroized for Rangers to use by research groups or in population rebuilding efforts. I havent heard of any pokemon species populations in desperate need of homes or having a food scarcity, so this is still very much out of the norm. 

4. Generally structures built for Ranger use comprise only of Waystations for Rangers to shelter in, Small sheltered spots to recharge your styler and take care of things and communications that your styler cant handle by itself or that has more first aid supplies or tools than you might be able to carry, or a solid permanent base. None of these ever have things to attract pokemon, and at most they have places for a partner pokemon to shelter with you, or a place for a pokemon you are tasked to help rest while you give it some first aid. 

I wish you the best over in Galar, but I recommend you build nothing more. 

[andymull]

WWE Wrestlemania 36 - Preview & Predictions

Heeeeeyyyyy heeeeeeeyyyyyy its Wrestlemania....fighting to survive....

............. Coronavirus, social distancing, injuries, sickness, poor booking, late booking changes, trying to get people to pay $60 on PPV instead of free on the Network, etc etc etc

Brock Lesnar (c) vs Drew McIntyre: WWE Championship Match

I really really feel for Drew here, probably the most out of anyone on the show with the lack of an audience as well as the lack of crowds being able to watch in Scotland in bars at the Hooked On Wrestling events, as they would have been SUPERB for both atmosphere and something they would show constantly on tv after the win.

But no, sadly instead of holding this off till later in the year we still have to proceed and deal with it, gutted.

I feel this match could go 25 minutes long and be one of Brock’s longest matches for awhile, in them asking Brock to make Drew look THE STAR in beating him and beating him well. Plus, they cant have both this AND the Goldberg match go less than 5 minutes.....can they?

Wish they would have gone OTT with this and had it filmed at Lesnar’s ranch and be falls count anywhere, Drew turns up saying nothing will stop him from winning the title so he’s there to claim his prize on Brock’s turf. Then gone made fighting around the farm, oh well there’s other matches on this show that will seemingly be booked to shit.

Drew wins, they need to make sure he then moves into feuds with big names and wins clean each time to really invest it all into Drew and see what happens - MCINTYRE

Goldberg (c) vs Braun Strowman: WWE Universal Championship Match

What is there to be said here, Roman had to drop out because they stupidly had him around sick people with his health past, they decide to replace him with Braun who last month lost his title to Sami Zayn, not to mention they didnt even announce it till Smackdown last night without even mentioning Reigns by name after having HHH announce earlier in the week it would be done in an interesting way.............

This should go short with ideally Braun going over, have Bill take the lead hitting all his offense, big spear then as he goes to lift him for the Jackhammer he cant lift him and Strowman bursts out of it hits his finish and pins him clean while in monster mode.

Braun starts the big push from nowhere while at the same time this leaves it open for Goldberg to potentially come back for a rematch, as he didnt have anytime to prepare for Strowman and his game-plan for the bout. Not that I want Bill always around the title scene when he turns up but if they can get Braun going over him clean twice it really helps out a current full time guy under contract WHAT A CLEVER IDEA THAT WOULD BE!!! lol - STROWMAN

The Undertaker vs AJ Styles

I really have no desire to see Taker in a big singles match at Wrestlemania or any other big show ever again, let alone it being in a match with AJ who could have an awesome match with most others on the card. This match should really have turned into the OC vs Taker/Aleister Black if they HAD to go with these guys together, the rub that would have given Black would have been MASSIVE!! Imagine the innovative entrance they could have come up with for both guys together, truly letting Taker pass his aura across to someone new....just goosebumps thinking of how they would look....but nope.

Instead we end up with a feud built around shoot promos about Takers wife doing AJ’s Styles Clash finisher.....

The worst part is that I see Taker going over, not sure if it was confirmed but it was mentioned he’d have 2 others with him who most likely will turn the tide of the match, dont get your hopes up for Black here instead, im guessing its Kane and Big Show....seriously....please be wrong - UNDERTAKER

John Cena vs The Fiend Bray Wyatt

I really wish if they are going to bring back guys who haven't been on the road full time then PLEASE bring them back with a solid storyline that makes sense and that’s been built up for awhile to make sense.....not this. Truthfully they need to build these matches with the sole purpose of having the other guys who could/should have been the spot to be able to turn around and say, ‘you know what, this makes alot of sense and will be great so I cant hold it against them and moan’. Honestly that’s all it needs.

And secondly they really are lucky there wont be a live audience there for the match, the cheers the Fiend would have received over Cena would have drove them wild in editing after trying to build Bray as the crazy heel.

After dropping the title Bray NEEDS the big win here to keep his aura something they can use well, the more they have him lose the quicker that appeal will drop, and for me with Wyatt that doesn't mean he can take loses as long as he isnt pinned like others can ANY loss hurts someone who can teleport (?!?!) - WYATT

Edge vs Randy Orton: Last Man Standing

Edge is the guy in second place behind Drew for me feeling gutted there wont be an audience around for this, imagine coming back after years away and the thought you could never wrestle again through fear of dying then finding you CAN wrestle again.........only to be risking it all in an empty building.....FUCKS SAKE!

This should be great and given the time to have the emotional side of it pour out strong, we should be getting Edge taking a beating to the point that Beth will come out to support him then have her feelings develop to the point she will want him to stay down and stop the pain. Yeah this will be great - EDGE

Becky Lynch (c) vs Shayna Baszler: Raw Women’s Championship Match

I dont think the result should be in question here, Shayna HAS to win and go on a dominant run with the belt, ideally booking Becky to come back in contention for SummerSlam to rematch.......sadly everything's in the air with the world.

For me, and remember those words, Becky’s reign has been abit of a meh fest in-ring, apart from the Sasha bouts, and the extra focus on her has highlighted her ring work which really isnt the strongest part of her game (Not saying she’s terrible at all, but could she please drop the awkward leg drop from the ropes lol). At the same time alot of that is down to how she’s booked as management seem to go on a few months run of wanting the women to be the main focus, then quickly changing their mind and dropping it back massively. Also, the lack of depth with the women’s division's is a problem with them being split over the shows, same with the men to a degree and is the reason we see feuds get dragged and dragged for months, with less women it means we hardly get anything that feels fresh which needs to be key - BASZLER

Lacey Evans vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley (c) vs Tamina vs Naomi - Smackdown Women’s Championship Fatal 5 Way Match

What a mess this is, I have no desire to see Banks/Bayley again for at least another 5 years...........but id much prefer that to having Tamina suddenly dragged on tv and put into the title picture. I get that the roster like her and she’s probably a really nice person to be around and supports the other women massively when needed, but for a viewer she brings NOTHING and hasn't for YEARS, all she’s doing is taking up a roster spot that someone way more deserving could be in from NXT for example. And yes, ive seen the random accounts on Twitter hoping she wins the title............jeez

Wouldn't have a problem with any of the other women taking the win here, sucks that Dana had to pull out as she has really shown improvements the past few months and deserved her place here easily - BANKS 

Rhea Ripley (c) vs Charlotte: NXT Women’s Championship Match

So we definitely are back to saying ‘women’s’ champion again are we? They dropped it the other month but seem to have quickly gone back to it.

Big match for NXT here getting a Mania slot, I really hope that Charlotte doesn't get the win and belt but her winning opens up more fresh options for the future on the women’s division on the show. As long as Charlotte doesn't keep doing her thing of wearing massive heels in-ring to show how much bigger she is to everyone else, for some random reason it annoys me and doesn't need to even be done.

I feel if Charlotte does win the title they will very quickly move another NXT star over to Raw/Smackdown to replace her or hype a new debut upto the draft which MAY be soon - CHARLOTTE

Kevin Owens vs Seth Rollins

The problem with having so many matches at Wrestlemania is that one like this goes so far under the radar its criminal, both guys are great and can pull out something special for the big show....not sure they get the time they will want even with a two night show. This feud will most likely continue so dont worry about who goes over - ROLLINS

Sami Zayn (c) vs Daniel Bryan: Intercontinental Championship Match

Exactly the same as the match before and even more so, a quality match that probably wont get the most time but will be a really fun ride to be on - ZAYN

Jimmy Uso vs John Morrison vs Kofi Kingston: Smackdown Tag Team Title Ladder Match

Yeah dont ask, they had to remove the Miz as he had Coronavirus symptoms but still wanted to do the ladder stipulation...

Honestly the tag division has to be up there for the most stale division in the company, similar to what I said about the women having the Uso’s and The New Day in a match in any combination is just soooooo over done.

Last month I predicted Morrison and Miz to retain and drop the titles tonight but now I hope they keep them, then drop them to Heavy Machinery as soon as they can - MORRISON

The Street Profits (c) vs Austin Theory & Angel Garza: Raw Tag Team Championship Match

Love the SP’s but this really isnt needed in the slightest, I guess the next few matches will be exactly the same. - STREET PROFITS 

Elias vs The Baron King

Exactly - Elias

Aleister Black vs Bobby Lashley

Please have Black go over quick - BLACK

Otis vs Dolph Ziggler

At last a match that deserves its spot on the card, a long term story that’s been developed well and is building to more with the stakes changed down the road. Easily an Otis win with Mandy ending up in his arms for the big smooch - OTIS

The Kabuki Warriors (c) vs Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross: WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Match

Lets throw the titles we’ve forgotten about on the show too!! Feel for all the women that have been around the title scene here since the belts came into existence, so much promise over multiple brands that went NOWHERE! - CROSS/BLISS

Kick Off Matches

Drew Gulak vs Cesaro

I think Gulak sneaks the win out with his TECHNIQUE!!! - GULAK

Natalya vs Liv Morgan

I hope Liv picks up the win and they give her more tv time and focus, Nattie winning doesnt really do much for anyone apart from her - MORGAN 

2 nights, lots of matches, lots of things not needed get ready to be mildly hyped!!!

Enjoy

Bye for now

Andy

[kimtaetae16ii]

STORY OF US - DONGHYUCK LEE

Synopsis : in which the elderly knew about your hidden relationship and make you guys broke apart and at the end he came back to fix it all while you were struggling with depression

Warnings : mental illness, mental abuse, violent, light-smut,using curse words alots, easy English grammar XP too cringy, too clingy, might cause frustration

Pairing : Donghyuck x reader (n ur name is Jeannie Pwark)

A/n : this is my first fanfiction of him ever! So yeah those senpai who sees mistakes in my writing do chat me about tht .

_________________________________________

You and Donghyuck had been in relationship for almost 2 years. You were homeschooled back then so did he too. Both of you got same teacher for English subject even for different places. So, to make it easy, the teacher made group chat on WhatsApp so that if anything inconvenient happened she will inform you guys through there. There's many students in there too but Donghyuck attracted your attention. You were the one who started the conversation with him.

He, in the first place actually  dislike you for being too friendly with him and others. He used to hate you too. He hate you for nothing. He thought that you were friendly bitch of no where. Also he was being insecure because he afraid you might be a gold digger to dig all of his family's assets all away. But then, you've proven to him that you are an angel with pure heart so you just being kind towards him until he finally fell on you. Your first-sight crush finally fell on you.

You both lived in rich residents as your father is working as successful businessman while your mother is a successful lawyer in the city of Seoul. Then, both of his parents work in their own business that the profit so fucking higher than Trumph.

done throwback session.

[ Saturday, 1:37 a.m.]

You couldn't close your eyes yet as you already drove in long 9 hours sleep in the late evening. Then you woke at 9 p.m. It just after you woke up, you receive 16 missed calls from him andthe spamming chat is uncountable. Then, you guys been in an arguments which caused he was being mad while you were being sulking.

The clock showed it was almost 2 a.m. and you still cannot close your eyes. The feelings are coming. You want him. You want him to sing you to sleep with his angelic voice. You want his warmth body heated your body so you won't get cold while sleeping in air-conditioner.

then, with feeling guilty you tapped on the number on the light screen after that you pressed the phone on your left ear. hoping he would not be mad at your anymore.

after 30 seconds, he finally picked your call.

"what's the matter now. You disturb my sleep"

his words really hurt your feelings like he unwilingly to answer your phone call but he did anyway.

Donghyuck is not a person who sleep early actually. He's been an owl just want to make sure you are the one who get beauty sleep before him.

"I cannot sleep. will you come over? please ~" you begged him because this is the way for both of you to be peace once again. You need him.

you've heard he sighed.

"i've told you for countless time to not sleep in the late evening or else this will happen. Y/n , you really need good health."

that's why i'm asking you to come over so that my depression will be cured.

"okay. i won't disturb. just continue to sleep. sorry." you end the calls made decision to throw the phone away onto the hard floor.

you hate yourself like the way he used to hate you. you knew who you are. you know how annoying you are how much burden you gave to people surround you especially your family. and because of that, you less attention from them. that's why you need haechan. he's right person to be but not right for you.

You curled up while sitting while buried your face in your lap. Tears finally streaming down on your cheeks.

i hate me. i want to die so bad.

you felt sorry for Haechan to waste his time just for you. you give him nothing in return.

you've been crying so bad that make your body shaking while you mumbling all curse words about how bad you want to die.

Suddenly, you felt hands brushed your hairs from back. When you lifted your face, you saw your precious boyfriend right in front of you. your heart ache but in the same it healed when he pulled you into his arms.

"Haechan-ah~" you called him.

"yes, sweetheart" he replied while pat your back softly like you're a new born baby.

"you still mad at me ?" you broke the hug and faced him looked into his shining eyes.

"Sweetheart, we're good now. do not be overthinking , okay. You'll be fine." he pulled you into hug again then he sang you to sleep.

You fell asleep in his neck then, he changed the position. He laid you down carefully place your head on the soft pillow then he laid next to you.

" sleep tight, Lee's "

[Saturday, 6:40 a.m.]

At the time you woke up, you were left with his fresh cologne on your bed sheets. Your morning felt so good.

you pressed the circled button of your iPhone , then you noticed he leaved you mesage in your personal chatroom saying

'sweetheart, i'm going home. Have a great journey to your grandmother house. XOXO '- 5.35 a.m.

You got big smiled there. You changed the position to sit then after few minutes, you went into the bathroom to wash yourself.

Then, after you already settle up yourself, you went the downstairs and enter the kitchen to get breakfast.

then your 7 years old greeted you.

"hey y/n, i saw man walking out from your room when i want to go to toilet this morning."

you hurriedly cover your little sister's mouth before anybody in this house heard her wrods.

"shhh . don't tell mama"

"mama was with me."

loud of laugh then.

_________________________________________

The way to your grandmother's house was very tiring even you were not the one who drive the car but like you've been stopped at rest area so often plus the weather was very hot for you.

Once you arrived at your grandmother's house, you guys were greeted by the the maids. Then they lead you to the living room. There, finally you met your grandma.

"Heeeyyy ,Oh My granddaughters! Miss both of you so bad !"

Grandma opened her arms as she welcomed us to hug her so we running along until we got into her hug. She kissed our top of head also our cheeks.

"How you've been, Nana?" I asked her while sitting next to her on the couch that made by  animal's skin.

"I'm great!  I just missed you guys so so much!

Kyaa~ Haneul yah!  Why don't you often bring them here? You also didn't always visit me. You know I've been so lonely after the death of your father! "

Mama fixed her hairbun prepared herself to answer Nana's question.

"I'm sorry, Ma. I'm just busy with all my clients-"

"Fuck your clients!  Your mother is more important!"

"Ma, don't be like that. I promise you to visit you as often as needed after all of the cases settled up at the court."

"I don't care. I made decision."

"What decision, Nana? " I, hugged her right arms, looked into her eyes.

She looked at me for second then she turned to face mama back.

"I want both of my grandchild to stay with me"

My heart dropped down-

but my little sister cheered up as she like to be with nana just because nana fulfill her needs.

"Kyaa~" I pushed little bit her head bit getting scolded by my father.

"Park Jeannie!"

"Ma, but Jeannie would enter her university so soon. Also Jane gonna have her first homeschool session." My father suddenly exist in that situation.

"I insist. She can took over the chocolate company after she get her training months."

I saw fire in Nana's eyes. So did my parents too.

Yeah. Even they don't mind about me a lot but they seems won't lose me. like I stil need home cause it's not faraway from haechan.

"Nana-"

"Okay! Let's have our special meals!" She cut me deliberately.

"Yeaayyy.  Nana did you make my favourite Sandwich?"

"Of course, honeybun! Now let's go all of you."

-

At night.

"Fuck. I hate this." You groaned alone on the bed thinking how you would be without seeing your boyfriend for not a single day also after you moved into your grandmother's house soon.

You looked up at the white flower decorated ceiling and that things still wandered in your mind.

You didn't get any phone call from him yet for today. He has been busy with his schedule of being an idol.

He always available at middle of the night.

You turned on the screen then got into your personal chatroom with him.

Babe, I have something to say. Really important.

Sent, 12:32 a.m.

You only got one tick from him. So you just decided to go to sleep even you didnt use to sleep at early bed.

[1:40 a.m.]

You can felt something was vibrating in your hand as you held your phone while you drove to sleep. That's make you woke up in the middle of the night.

Without seeing whose the caller, you answered just like that.

"Heelo sweetheart. Already asleep."

"I can't sleep unless I heard your voices, you know."

"Awwwwww~ so sweet talker."

"Shut up. How was your day during the show?"

"So tired but not full enjoyed."

The atmosphere suddenly turned into serious.

"Whyy babe, are you sick while performing?" You were afraid as he worked too hard just to present great performance to gis beloved fans.

"No. I'm not sick. I'm fine thank you."

"Then what?"

"I'm not enjoy it much as you're not here watching my performance with the members."

You dumbfounded.

"Are you serious, bang-chan?"

Bang-chan means side dishes in Korean.

"Hahahahahaha" you heard him laughed so loudly. You just brought that up again because you watched one of the vlive that Jeno called him Bang-chan when he introduced himself.

Then, you also laughed but not that as hard-core as him.

"Are you done, baby?" You asked him after you heard silent voices.

"N-no" his giggles still there.

"Hahahh, i want to see you so bad right now. But i cant As the network is not giving cooperation with me. So, yeah~ "

"So, you feel like you want to go home?" He asked.

"Yes of course. Home is everything." You looked out the glass window. Spontaneous thought came in.

"Am I your everything too?" He snapped you out by his question.

It took several seconds to reply that.

"Lee donghyuck, you are my last destiny after the world end its life."

"Wahh~" at the end of his word, his soothing voice made you melt.

"Go to sleep now , babe. You tired i know that."

"Love you 3000" you added.

"Love you for infinity numbers."

And that amde you laughed.

"Bye. Have a nice sleep, haechan."

"Okay ."

You end up the call. After that you directly close your eyes and drove to sleep.

A/n : I can't add some more parts as it hit the max length. Tf. If it hit 10 likes, I'll post more ♡♡♡

[emoselenas]

woodland creatures tour - final thoughts

all right y’all, it’s time for another fuck-off, super long novel about our yearly one week tour lmao. which is why i separate it from social, so that i’m not that guy that floods your feed, but touring is so important to me. it’s a special event that (unfortunately) comes just once a year.  

before i begin gushing over how wonderful this tour went, i wanna put something into perspective. truth is: the night before, i was not excited to leave. i was feeling insanely anxious and, embarrassingly enough, regretful that we were going out at all. i was nervous about how tour was going to go and i was scared of having bad performances every night again. while tour has always been an exciting experience, it has also been stressful for me. this whole year i've been making a concerted effort to be a more consistent performer and to try to enjoy shows more. i am so relieved that this tour brought me insanely closer to that goal. and if that's coming from me, it must mean i actually believe it lmao i think i can speak for my bandmates when i say that this tour exceeded our wildest expectations. we had the most fun we've ever had on the road and we played awesome sets more often than not. we played to an engaged crowd every night. no matter how many people were there, there was some person in the room that was digging us or already knew us. we were not expecting this at all. and most importantly, to see so many people come out for pulses., on their first. tour. their FIRST tour. was heartwarming and incredible. i have so much love for all of the southeast musicians we got to play with on this tour. creating and sharing music is such a vulnerable thing to do; we are all in this together. i loved watching you all play every night and getting to know you. it is honestly so cool to feel like you belong to a network bigger than yourself and to meet such talented people across state lines. thank you for supporting us. i’ll be rooting for you from new jersey.  thank you kris khunachak for joining us on tour. seriously so so thankful that you could come with us. we were cutting it close with your jury summons LMAO. i had so much fun hanging out with you. you are such a valuable talent as an artist (also musician GD it). i can't wait to continue working with you, and i’m so glad so many doors are opening for you. i peripherally knew of pulses. due to all of the swanposting groups and knew they were from NOVA. i reached out on a whim last year hoping they would play our VA date. we managed to click at our falls church show together and we kept in touch. i wanted to repay them for playing with us by inviting them to come play jersey. i strongly felt more people needed to know about them. i loved not only playing with them, but i loved hanging out with them. they invited us to come play the bouquet. season finale this past january, and after such an amazing weekend together i proposed touring together to kevin. i was honestly sweating it for a minute because i wanted it to happen so badly lmfao. the chemistry we have as friends, both our bands, is incredible. we absolutely love their music and, great news, they’re all amazing people. some of the funniest, most talented, determined people i’ve ever met. they deserve the world and more. there is a reason why people gravitate towards them and their music. their genuine energy as people shines through their music, and it is infectious. it’s fun. it goes hard. and that’s why people love them. i truly believe their new music will bring them to another level. i’ve had the privilege of hearing a couple new songs and i am so excited about them. 

over the years i have met so many musicians who are just willing to step on other people’s feet, talk down on their peers behind their backs or do whatever it takes to make others perceive themselves as ahead in the game. we see it all the time in jersey and in the genre of music we play. i’ve distanced myself from many i know because i have learned to trust no one. people want to be cutthroat and pompous. for what, i don’t know. and yet, pulses. are the biggest breath of fresh air. so great at what they do and yet so down to earth. they kept me laughing until i cried constantly on tour. it was a joy spending more time with them, taylor and tyler on tour. it’s always great to have another girl on tour and taylor was the best company; she kept me from going crazy. tyler is such a genuine guy, i only kind of knew him before this run and we had a lot of good talks throughout the week. i’m really glad we are friends as a result of this run. 

i’m eternally grateful these people fuck with us. their friendship and their support is one of the most validating things we treasure as a band. the fact they want literally anything to do with us is incredible hahaha. but if they do, it must mean we’re doing something right. i trust them so, so much. they keep me sane and continue to keep me sane through all of the bullshit that comes with being a struggle band (i have coined this term from them lol) and playing music. i know that whatever happens, beyond music, they are friends i will treasure forever. 

lastly, my bandmates. i am so proud of you all. you all did an amazing job this tour. i find myself completely at home with you guys. thank you so much for continuing to embark on this journey with me. i could not do this without you. you are some of my closest friends. every year when we come home from tour it is the most heartbreaking thing because it’s a taste of what could be. what we could experience if we could do this full time. but i have come to realize that no matter what happens, everything we have shared together will always be enough for me. we have experienced so many obstacles this year or i guess in general, and y’all can probably tell it has run me down as a human being. before, i lost my way and i was uncertain of the future. but after the tour we had there is no way we can slow down now. i am even more excited at the prospect of what we can achieve together. now, i cant wait for everything that comes next. i love you guys. thank you. 

last year when tour concluded i fell into a slump that seemed to last for an entire year. i wasn’t taking care of myself physically and emotionally. i felt doubtful of my purpose in life and whether or not i was actually meant to be a musician. a lot of events had transpired over the course of the year that have slowly lifted me up from that place. obviously starting therapy helped, and i have done a lot of work on myself so i’ll give myself some credit. but i fully attribute getting better to having the pulses. camp in my life, my bandmates, and the people who believe in me. despite where life takes me or any hindrance i face, i’m not going to just stop making music or growing because of some perceived ageism gatekeeping. i am honestly the best i’ve ever been at my craft now. i can’t wait for everything that’s in store. in fact i’m just gonna rest for a couple days and get back at it. cause i feel like i can.

can’t wait for woodland creatures pt. II next year 🦊🦉 (also can we get a goddamn red panda emoji by then) 

[selenecrawford]

Selene Crawford: The Lady, The Villain and The Contrarian

Warning: None for the moment.

The trip back to the office was done in silence. A tense silence that neither Masamune nor Selene dared to break. At some point Masamune took Selene's hand and never let it go unless it was necessary. For her the nightmare was becoming real. They will go after them now. What she can do, how could she protect them now? Should she...

“Selene? Selene?! Answer me, are you ok?”

Selene failed to noticed that they were on the parking lot of the building. She was so adsorbed on her thoughts that failed to see when they arrived. Masamune's was frowning very worried at her.

Taking a look at Selene he knew something was wrong. It got worse when he touched her hand which felt cold like a block of ice. Not risking getting attack on their way to the office he took her hand trying to giving her some warmth meanwhile she was unresponsive. She was looking directly to road oblivious to the rest of the world. He took her on his arms and hugged her until the color returned to her face.

“Where are we?” Selene felt disoriented, cold.

“We arrived safely. Kitten why are you so cold?” Masamune kept warming Selene's hands until they got warm.

“Sorry I guess I space out didn't I?” Selene gave Masamune a weak smile.

“Come on let's go we need to let the others know what is happening.” said Masamune confused at Selene state.

Both walked holding their hands and arrived to the office. Selene automatically went to her desk and started to work. Masamune decided to went to Nobunaga's office and do a report. Upon entering the office he found Nobunaga talking over the phone.

“Yes, he is here right now, do you want to speak with him? It's Detective Katakura.” Nobunaga passed the phone to Masamune.

“Date here.”

“Are you ok? We got a call to the mountains and found your house blown up. What is going on?” Kojuro sounded puzzled.

“Yeah, we managed to escape on time.” Masamune hold the bridge of his nose trying to ease some tension.

“We? As in more than one person? Is there is something I need to know?” Kojuro's questions were done in a rapid fire motion. Knowing Masamune there must be someone he had done and might have a woman involved.

“Look, our receptionist is the one being targeted.”

“You mean Oda's mistress?”

“What you mean Oda's mistress?”

“It's all over the news and the press. Don't you read the newspaper?” Kojuro's information was a new development.

Masamune took a look to Nobunaga only to confirmed that it wasn't a joke made by Kojuro.

“No, I haven't been informed I have to go.”

“Don’t hang up Masamune, we need you at the station for a statement. When you can come?” Kojuro's question was more an order than a simple question.

“Tell me when and I'll be there. Now I really have to go.”

“Alright, I'll send you a message. Just be careful OK?” Kojuro's concern was well funded.

“ Got it.” with this Masamune hang up and turned to Oda.

“So, I gather you already know the situation?” Masamune was the first one to talk.

“I read the newspaper and saw the news, what about it?” Nobunaga knew where this go, so he started to carefully think what he should say. Knowing Masamune he will explode at any time. He noticed he was troubled.

“This might complicate things. Selene looks like is struggling with the situation. And...they found out about my house on the mountains and send a missile we barely escaped” Masamune took a seat and bury his face on his hands.

“Things are escalating. What about you? How are you doing with all this?” it was Nobunaga's turn to ask.

“It's like dealing with myself, and...I'm terrified. I don't want to loose her.” the sincerity on Masamune's voice surprised Nobunaga.

“You won't, we are here for you, for her.” Nobunaga put a hand on Masamune's shoulder.

Shingen arrived to find Selene working on automatic mode. She might fool the untrained eye but she was terrified and occupying herself in order to regain a bit of control. Smiling softly he approach and gave a warm salute.

“Oh Good Morning, my precious angel. I believe this is the entrance to heaven isn't it?” taking Selene's hand.

Selene stood there while looking at him without reacting to his words.. Shingen frown this is not the reaction he was hope for.

“Princess are you...?”

“Oh, sorry I've been absent minded lately. Too much work Mr. Takeda, are you here for an appointment with Mr. Oda?” Selene tried to regain her normal self but she was struggling. She needed time to think, but then she remembered her promised to Masamune.

“This situation have me a little rattled up that's all. Forgive me, will you like some tea,sweets anything for Mr. Sanada, Sarutobi or Mr. Uesugi?” she gave a look to the rest of the group.

“Tea will be good for all since we are on working hours right Kenshin?” Sasuke gave a look to Kenshin who was sited pretending to read a magazine.

“Whatever, I'm here because there is no other remedy.” Kenshin didn't bother to look up.

“OK, just pass to the conference room I will be bringing the refreshments there I will let know Mr. Oda you had arrived.” by now Selene was acting professional and normal.

Selene guided them to the conference room once she made sure everyone was comfortable she let know Nobunaga. At the same time went to the little kitchen to make some tea and sandwiches. When she arrived Masamune was cooking, apparently she wasn't the only one with anxiety. The kitchen although not as big as the one on his home had all the commodities a normal house needed including an oven, Microwave and a full refrigerator. When Selene began to work she noticed the place was all ways completely stacked with food. Taking mental note she always made sure it was ready for use. Masamune either was there or working on a case. Since this time she was the case he was cooking. Selene observed him from the door smiling. He was wearing a black apron, while moving in his element.

“Like what you see kitten?” Masamune turned to give her a wink.

“Yes, I do. Although I'm not used yet to see you with an apron.” Selene approached and try to get some of the essence of what he was cooking. “ You ok?” his smile didn't reached like always do. His eye was trying to hide the conflict inside of him.  

“You scared me this morning when we arrived.” he was chopping some vegetables. He wasn't recriminating her for it , but he sounded defensive.

“I'm sorry, I guess I just went into a defensive mechanism. You know not everyday I begin my mornings with an incoming missile and destroys my...” both look at the same time looking for the elusive word that was escaping them.

“It's there a term for us at this stage?” she ventured to ask.

“If it is, no one sent me the memo. All  I know kitten, is that whatever it is I hope to soon change that to a more official term.” he gave her a rapid kiss on the lips while continuing his task.

Selene felt her cheeks getting hotter, deciding not to add anymore, she prepared the tea and some sandwiches, on her way out she added.

“BTW, Shingen and his group are here, it seems they will stay for a while.”

“OK, I will add more portions. Let me know if something changes.”

“Thanks.” giving him a flushed smile Selene took the tray to the conference room.

Upon arriving the room everyone was verifying all the clues they had gathered about the case. Copies of the letters were obtained thanks to Kincaid, while Detective Katakura called again to let Masamune know that the missile was robbed from a facility on Russia. Which meant it was acquired on the black market ending the trace on that part. The investigation kept going for the next days.

“We just hit another dead end.” said Mitsurani to Sasuke both were working the network and any digital media.

The threats didn't match any Modus Operandi of any case on the police data base. Neither any case worked by Shingen's group or Nobunaga's. Comparing also the cases of Masamune and Mitsuhide gave nothing making the situation frustrating for everyone. After the second attempt things calmed down. Even the threats stopped being delivered. But an envelop left one morning in front of the building gave a reminder to the group that their predator was still at large. The envelop has a group of photographs where Selene appeared with any of them. Sometimes in group others with Masamune or with Nobunaga. Since the shooting incident the press started to report on Selene often making her prey of some unlawful rumors. With the photographs was a note also in Blood.

“Give me what I want and I will go away.”

“Ha?, what is that suppose to mean? I beat I need a break” Yuki was so upset that went out of the room to clear his mind.

Everyone was at their limit, it was then that Selene seemed to remember something.

“There was an horror book that I read once, what really called me out was that phrase. “Give me what I want and I will go away.” The book was about a group of people each with their own dark secrets. At the center was this girl who was innocent and yet caught on with them. Since she never agreed to their bidding they made her life a living hell. I need to make a call.” Selene went to her desk to make the call when Kenshin called her out.

“So how the book ended?”

Selene looked at Kenshin and said in a solemn tone. “She killed them all.” and left.

“I know, I know, yes you can come tomorrow to visit. Bring all of them if you want. Just make sure he also comes alright?” Ian hung up. Turning around he faces the man if everything goes according to plan after tomorrow what belong to us by birthright will come back to us.

The man dressing all in black and red converse shoes smiles while adjusting is Fedora.

“Good, I cant wait to see you once again my love.”

Nobunaga parked his car, it has been 6 years since they spoke. He swear he will never come back again. But right now Selene might need him if something didn't work out on their meeting of tomorrow. Entering by the backdoor he knocked the door and a grumble resembling “Come in” was heard. A cocky smile drawn on Nobunaga’s features.

“I guess some things never change uh Yasu?”

Notes: For some reason I struggle a lot with this chapter. Any comment or feedback is welcome. I hope you guys like it.

@elievalentine @datemasamunemaiwaifu @colivara @unstoppablelinda @yeshasays @masa-little-kitten @kimi00twin @jennacat84 @xathia-89 @notsafefortum-blr @sengokuotaku82 @serenity-writes @la-piperina @louveau @epicdragonlady @mikamiw

[obsession-squidfessions-blog]

one of the most popular of the cam portals

MyFreeCams, one of the most popular of the cam portals, has a domain registered to a Leo Radvinsky, and a legal contact in the Netherlands.Entirely unsurprisingly, it's impossible to get in touch with any of the people who actually run these networks. None of the above entities from LiveJasmin, Streamate, or MyFreeCams responded to efforts to confirm that they do indeed exist and have some affiliation with the websites in question. All that's available is a semi-robotic technical support chat, which fields basic questions about how to use the site and credit card processing. These web cam kingpins might as well not exist. We don't know where the money goes.Domino wakes up at 8 am every morning and performs booked shows for clients paying between $US90 and $US120 an hour. That's about sixteen times her state minimum wage, and she doesn't have to leave her bedroom. If a client wants to book through MyFreeCams rather than sending money directly, Domino charges double. There's not a cent lost to a middle man. It seems like a pretty swell setup: "I love my job," Domino gushes. "I can work when I want to, as much as I want to, [and] nobody can tell me how to do my job. She's right. At her strip club, she was required to come in four to five days a week, spinning on a pole. Now, she can work all day. Or not at all. The last time we spoke, she was working on an ebook project, spending her time as she pleased.Since the dawn of streaming, the porn industry has been suffering financially. As people have started watching and uploading porn on tube sites for free, the days of big-budget porn and making a lot of money as a porn star are fading away. At the same time, though, streaming has also spawned a supplement to the porn industry that cant be replicated: camming.

Exactly! That's where I got my first taste of sex positivity. Going through my relationships and going to university I was like ‘woah, nobody thinks the way I do, I must be weird'. But being a webcam model, I realised everyone is into something different, they just feel like they can't talk about it.If abuse were such a big problem, Anna says, then why would any Romanian girls bother with it at all? Why wouldn't they just find some other job? In a country whose GDP only stopped shrinking two years ago, with 20 per cent of the population living below the poverty line and personal income levels far below Kazakhstan, Iran and Gabon, that question answers itself. There's a reason Anna's so happy to be independent from her former employers, a status she equates with nothing less than her "freedom".Sometimes self-­regulation regarding finances is the best option for some people: Ive been treated better and more fairly as a Cam Girl and nude model than I was in my last retail job where I, no word of a lie, got fired for looking sad. Yet despite how much control one can have over their career as a Cam Girl there are certainly discrepancies within the industry, including safety issues and issues of future employability, as well as what is considered a fair payment and no guarantee on a basic minimum wage for hours put in. It leaves a lot up to chance.Working an eight-hour day, she earns close to 4,000 euros (£3,600) per month - nearly 10 times the Romanian average wage. As Lana's employer, Studio 20 also makes 4,000 euros per month from her online sessions. And at the top of the video chat money-making pyramid, LiveJasmin - the online cam site that streams Studio 20's content and is responsible for collecting payment from the credit cards of clients - takes double that: 8,000 euros.

It happened through a friend of a friend of mine. Thats usually how these things go. She had found, through a network of girls, a website that paid decent money for cam girling if you put the work in. I signed up, submitted my name, ID, bank details and some photos and within 24 hours I was approved as a bonafide Cam Girl ­with no bloody idea of what I was doing.But some women are not free to make the choices Lana has. Oana, 28, counts herself as an escapee from the sex industry. At 16 - a minor - she fell in love with a boyfriend who persuaded her to do video chat.It depends on the profile that you set up because when you make a profile, you write a little bio about yourself, and my bio might be seen as a little more out there'. I'm open to anything, like roleplay, so a lot of the time I get roleplay requests, more just because I find them fun no matter how unusual or bizarre they are. What excites me are uncommon and unusual requests that you wouldn't really come across. Life's too boring otherwise.But despite fulfilling all my internet male expectations, Anna's impossible to really pin down. On both IM and video chat, she's prone to mannerisms and quips that make you want to pay for her time. A lot of it. She's beautiful without surfeit, an honest form that's pleasing even over a low-resolution video stream. Her English is fantastic, her personality disarming. She'll sit casually, like a girl the morning after a sleepover, musing about her cats and future. When she first "performed" for me on camera, discarding her herd of cats and cigarette for a bottle of baby oil, a few alarmed neurons felt like I should rush to Bucharest and wrap a blanket around her. Her innocence is a cool switch. The tokens evaporated. CONTINUED BELOW...

[pamphletstoinspire]

The Death Penalty and the Myth of Closure

Many argue that the death penalty can help survivors move on with their lives. However, this counselor writes that true healing can happen only when we learn to "walk with the pain."

The death penalty has been with us for millennia. If you take the time to read the Old Testament, you will find that the death penalty was widely accepted. We find in the words of Exodus the justification invoked to this day to defend the use of executions: “You shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe” (21:23–25).

This is known as Mosaic law and is an integral part of our legal system. And yet Jesus came to challenge it: “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on [your] right cheek, turn the other one to him as well” (Mt 5:38–39).

What a truly radical notion! In the Old Testament, one sees that violence was a way of life, and execution was a primary tool for meting out justice. But Jesus sweeps that all away.

As with many things Jesus said, excuses have been made and qualifiers added: Love your enemy . . . except when he is a murderer. Then you are justified to kill him, a conclusion that sounds very much like Mosaic law.

Desire for Vengeance Is Real

On the other hand, even if we accept Jesus’ teaching, turning the other cheek is not that simple. I can’t simply say, “Well, Patterson, you claim to be a Christian, so you must love your enemy and oppose the death penalty.” I also understand the desire for vengeance.

Some years ago when I was an Army psychologist, I was tasked with evaluating a man arrested for beating his 3-month-old stepdaughter within an inch of her life on Christmas Eve. It had already been determined that the child suffered irreversible brain damage. As I was interviewing the man, I received a call from the pediatric ICU informing me she had also been blinded. I hung up and told this man that news. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Oh, well.”

In that moment, I wanted to jump across my desk, grab him by the throat, and beat him within an inch of his life! As I think about him almost 40 years later, I have the same feeling. I am not proud of that, but it also helps me to be sensitive to the feelings of survivors when it comes to discussions of the death penalty. It reminds me to be sensitive to survivors’ need for justice and, possibly, vengeance.

Many justifications for executions set aside the language of Mosaic law and focus on possible benefits for the surviving family. One doesn’t so much hear the word vengeance in such discussions, but one does hear the word closure. A common justification for the death penalty is that it provides closure for the family.

When Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was sentenced to death, the mayor of Boston expressed the hope that “this verdict provides a small amount of closure.” Similarly, when the decision was made to allow survivors of the Oklahoma City bombing to witness the execution of Timothy McVeigh, Attorney General John Ashcroft stated that he hoped the execution would help survivors “meet their need to close this chapter in their lives.”

Whether executions provide closure depends on what we mean by that word. For most of us, closure implies a completion or conclusion. When a corporation announces store closures, that means those stores are no longer operational. So, in discussing the process of grief and trauma, closure would seem to imply a conclusion—the suggestion that there is an end point to grieving.

This expectation of closure is sometimes supported within a person’s social network. At this time, I am counseling several parents of children who committed suicide. All have commented on encountering, either directly or indirectly, the message “Aren’t you over it by now?”

Think for a moment of the people in your life you have lost. Are you no longer grieving? If I think of loved ones who are gone, I become aware that I may be grieving those losses for the rest of my days. My grief may not be as intense as it was at the time of the loss. But reminders of someone’s absence in my life help me see that grief goes on, that there is no closure in the sense of conclusion to my grief. There’s no point at which I dust myself off and say, “OK, I’m done missing that person.”

The Myth of Closure

In her book Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us, Professor Nancy Berns makes the compelling argument that the concept of closure has emerged within a political context to justify the death penalty and as a “made-up concept: a frame used to explain how we respond to loss.” It has become such a common word in discussions about grief that people assume it exists and is within their reach. In fact, its prevalence reflects the hope we all have that we can heal from the devastation of tragedy and trauma.

For some, closure means the conclusion to a very public process of crime, arrest, trial, and multiple appeals. Anecdotal evidence suggests that indeed the execution provides that sense of closure. But the word closure also implies healing and completion. Evidence suggests that not only does the death penalty not facilitate healing but, in fact, may interfere with it.

In his 2007 study of families of murder victims, Scott Velum found that only 2.5 percent indicated a strong sense of closure resulted from the execution of the murderer. A study published in the Marquette Law Review compared survivors’ reactions in Minnesota and Texas. Killers in Minnesota were sentenced to life imprisonment, an outcome that was experienced as satisfying by survivors. Texas survivors were less satisfied by death penalty verdicts, in large part because of the prolonged appeals process.

As Bill and Denise Richards, parents of a 9-year-old boy killed in the Boston Marathon bombings, wrote in the Boston Globe, asking that the government not seek the death penalty, “The continued pursuit of that punishment could bring years of appeals and prolong the most painful day of our lives.”

Jody Madeira worked with and studied survivors of the Oklahoma City bombings. In her book Killing McVeigh: The Death Penalty and the Myth of Closure, she noted that Timothy McVeigh’s execution did not provide the kind of closure some survivors may have hoped for. As one survivor noted, “There won’t be closure till I am dead.”

The Path to Healing

Are survivors then simply left in anguish, or is some form of healing possible? Perhaps rather than talking about closure, we should be talking about healing.

Sociologist Loren Toussaint suggests that healing is possible through the process of forgiveness. Madeira agrees that forgiveness can help but argues that it is not the only path to healing. This is a delicate topic that must be approached carefully and without judgment. Forgiveness can indeed help survivors heal, but it isn’t that simple. Forgiveness is a process, one that can last a lifetime.

First, let’s be clear on what forgiveness isn’t. Forgiveness does not mean condoning—a distinction relevant to people dealing with someone on death row. Forgiveness does not minimize what was done. The bombings in Boston will never be acceptable. The 9/11 attacks can never be dismissed in terms of the personal trauma. The murder of a loved one will never be OK. After all, the God of my understanding is indeed a God of mercy, but also a God of justice.

Then there is the common phrase forgive and forget. Not only is that often not possible, but in some cases it’s not a good idea. If someone has assaulted me, I may need to forgive that person, but it may not be a good idea for me to invite him or her over for dinner. That person may have no remorse and might assault me again.

The first step in forgiving is making the decision to forgive. The important thing to realize in making this decision is that the person who will benefit most from forgiving is the forgiver. Forgiving frees the forgiver from all the negative venom of hatred and resentment. Essentially, to forgive is to reclaim power from the forgiven. Professor Madeira quotes Oklahoma City bombing survivor Bud Welch as saying about forgiving Timothy McVeigh: “I was the one that got relief from all this pain . . . and it wasn’t about McVeigh.”

Sometimes we confuse forgiveness with reconnecting with someone in a loving way. That reconnecting is a decision that I may make after I have forgiven. I also have the option of not having the offender in my life. In other words, to forgive doesn’t necessarily mean to reconcile with someone.

To forgive means I also have to face all my rage and anger, all my thoughts of vengeance. We can’t sidestep the emotions. I have sat with some people who experienced tragedy or trauma and afterwards stated, rather flatly, “I’ve forgiven that person,” without any acknowledgment of the pain inflicted by that person. This to me is an intellectual exercise, not an experience of true forgiveness.

Learning to Walk with the Pain

In exploring alternatives to the prevalent concept of closure, we also need to broaden our understanding of grief. The concept of closure may have its roots in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ famous five stages of dying. That theory has been broadened to include grief. The fifth stage is acceptance. Like closure, this notion has many meanings.

What does it mean to accept the death of a loved one? Again, some kind of finality is suggested, a sort of conclusion to the grieving. I have sat with persons who judged themselves because they did not feel they were finished grieving. Others had well-meaning friends and relatives suggest they should be “over it by now” or that they hadn’t “accepted” the death because they were still grieving.

Over the years I have dealt with many people who came to see me because someone else was concerned about them or, more often, because they themselves questioned whether they were grieving correctly.

I recall one beautiful woman who came to see me after the death of her husband of 50-plus years. She was concerned whether she was grieving correctly. She stated that well-meaning friends had given her a stack of books on grieving. Not wanting to disappoint anyone, she read them all. When I asked what she thought after all that reading, she told me: “I’m completely confused. They contradict one another.”

So what did I do? I gave her a book to read! Only it wasn’t an edition of Grieving for Dummies. It was C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed, his journal written the first year after the death of his beloved wife, Joy. The book has no easy answers, and, at its conclusion, it is clear that Lewis will continue to grieve. There is no nice, clean ending. No closure. Only Lewis trying to learn to walk with the pain.

In dealing with losses in my own life, what works for me is to view grieving as a process of learning to walk with the pain. This suggests that, because of a particular loss, my life is changed forever. I am challenged to find a way to move forward living my life as well as possible while at the same time carrying the loss. This is especially true for those who’ve lost a loved one through some criminal act, be it murder or terrorism.

To learn to walk with the pain has several facets. One is to make the decision not to let the trauma define the loved one’s life. It is to affirm that I will not be known as the parent of that girl or boy who was murdered. Rather, I will be known as the parent of a child who touched lives in a beautiful way before leaving life much too soon.

Another facet of walking with the pain is to facilitate the loved one’s legacy. Such legacies may take the form of charitable donations or even the establishment of a charity. Others might establish a scholarship fund. Some get tattoos or plant trees. Such actions don’t make pain go away, but they create a legacy that has some meaning.

For me, acceptance means acknowledging that life is now different, and that I will be walking with this pain until I meet my loved one again in a better place. That may be the only real closure.

By Richard B. Patterson, PhD

[elovceabti1972-blog]

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