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steve0discusses · 4 years ago

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Yugioh S5 Ep 20: Pharaoh’s Cool New Trick

Digging my way through quite a pile of commission work (funny how these things only come all at once or not at all), nearing the light at the end of the tunnel, was looking forward to some free time to catch up on my many little side projects when I was asked to take off for a weekend to do some cat-sitting to which I would NEVER say no to a cat, so like...Rip this blog I guess, we only update like once a week nowadays, but what do you do?

That’s right, play Puzzles and Dragons! The only phone game worth paying any attention to! Where they just released Pegasus on their Yugioh Collab and he looks pretty great!

So I’m just gonna take a second for some art appreciation, because the Puzzles and Dragons art team is just A++++ honestly, and yes, I did pull 13 times to get a Pegasus in my monster box, and yes, he is a completely insane team leader that is absolutely broken when paired with Yugi (the numbers are so satisfying) but...look at him. He looks so good!

(also I finally got Joey Wheeler, and so now my gatcha cravings are settled. And, don’t worry, I play this game so much that I was there during Christmas when they offered like a bajillion stones for free so I didn’t actually use real money on this.)

Now PAD also released a Weevil and Rex, and I don’t know why, and neither does the art team because they still look pretty good but in comparison to all the mains, they sure do looks like just some shorty guys in some casuals.

though I gotta admit, I want to learn how the hell this art team does swooshy effects, because man, that would make my art so much better to just have flames violently exploding out of all my art. Why am I not doing that more often? I have the technology.

anyway, I didn’t bother trying to pull them. Maybe I’ll accidentally pull them when they eventually release a Duke Devlin. (also, RIP to the fact that Roland will probably never be in Puzzles and Dragons but like...I can only send them so many polite letters covered in stickers pretending I’m some 10 year old child and writing in my broken Hiragana “Roland in PAD?”. Thems the breaks. (They also might not remember who Roland is.))

Shoutouts to the card that Weevil is holding that is censoring this nipple on the booby spider, PS.

So because this is not actually a Puzzles and Dragons blog, and it’s been ten eons since I regularly updated so I could remember episode to episode...where the hell were we?

That’s right, we’re on an island now. This show’s wonderful obsession with evil islands (and spoiler, this is one of the few Yugioh Islands that doesn’t explode at the end. Mostly because Kaiba isn’t here to do it or this place would be cinder)

(read more island stuff under the cut)

Anyway, after announcing “hey guys! Screw islands!” Yugi immediately collapses and without any warning.

Apparently the armor is a big ol parasite, which is something that Yugi is so used to at this point that he refuses to admit that this is a problem. Just normal Muto stuff, refusing to tell anyone that he has a serious illness going on underneath that giant mass of hair.

(the sailor moon vibes coming off this weird orb energy)

Sort of feels like a call back to S1 when Yugi was clearly possessed and everyone else was like “He acting weird to you?” except it’s S5 and everyone has learned to never trust Yugi when he says he’s fine and they are responding like he is about to die. Which is correct.

Outside of the cave falls this scroll that is...glowing, I guess. So they open it up and get a bunch of hieroglyphs that give them the “riddle of light” and like youknow...it’s riddle stuff.

They’re doing this riddle for “wings.” And it’s like...everyone’s monster here has a set of wings or an ability to fly. Every single monster except for I dunno, flaming swordsman? Hell, Yugi himself had two sets of wings when he fused with Dark Magician (which was weird, and I still don’t like to think about what technically was going on there.) But we have to go and get ourselves even more wings.

Weirdly, Joey turns to Tea and does something that in any other show would be completely normal. He was like “you want to stay here with Yugi, don’t you?” and it was the first time Joey has ever actually addressed the fact that Tea and Yugi are close. Uncharted territory. I was amazed at the amount of casual shipping that is happening here. It’s almost like a normal ass relationship.

So the boys decide to go off, and be boys and tackle this themselves. And they shouldn’t have, because Tea is smart for this group, and also has the only healing spell.

Like if you’re playing D+D you wouldn’t typically leave your only healer behind. Just saying.

Also like...Grandpa Muto went with them? I guess he’d have to since he’s the translator but also...kind of weird to leave your grandson dying in a cave, but maybe that’s just the Muto lifestyle.

Do not be fooled by my caps, no one has addressed the Bakura in the puzzle for 3 seasons. I’m starting to think this show will never address the Bakura in the puzzle. Which honestly, that would be hilarious if they made a big deal out of that plot point and then couldn’t use it in the end.

And speaking of plot points that kind of come out of nowhere and don’t make full sense with the continuity of the show--Joey has regressed back to the 4th grade.

Hey show? What?

So like if you love Joey, this is not the arc for you, because this arc he is reduced to a Himbo and nothing else. Straight up didn’t know what an echo is, but is very strong and pretty, I guess.

This inevitably happens with any TV show becuase different people make different parts, and I’ve brought up before that sometimes it feels like some teams only have loose post-it notes of what any character should be like at any given point (ESPECIALLY with Seto Kaiba’s timeline) but like...

...Personally I’m mot so fond of this interpretation of Joey, kind of ignores Joey’s best traits, and makes Tristan look way too smart in comparison (and like I always pinned Tristan to be the Himbo of the group, but maybe it’s because they give Tristan so little else to do?)

And like don’t get me wrong, Joey’s a dumbass a lot of the time and needs to get corrected by his pals...but...to the point he doesn’t know what an echo is? He’s a dumbass in a High School student sort of way, youknow?

Anyway, they get down to this big ravine, and they have to destroy this stone while the light passes over it. Kind of feels like a Breath of the Wild shrine quest, actually. In fact, I think Breath of the Wild recycled the shadow/sunlight pathing quest like 4 or 5 times. (I love Breath of the Wild to death but boy did they run out of ideas at the end there.)

They have to fight a glass monster and it’s kind of like...do you know the game Balls 3D? probably not, but it looked like a bunch of random shapes stuck together like a 90′s animation. They basically went to war with shapes.

Pure Himbo energy, has several pokemon, but punches for his pokemon instead of using them. A power move if I ever saw one.

Youknow that would make pokemon a lot more interesting if you could like throw out your pikachu, and then choose to just physically run up to your opponents Eevee and sock it in the jaw. Raise of hands--I know you all would love a version of pokemon like that. Let Ash Ketchum punch a Ratata.

Bro has informed me that Ash does do something like this in the anime. But I’m not talking about the anime, I’m talking about the video game. Give me the option to physically combat my rival. This is what I want, Pokemon.

They discover a way to break the monolith, and the show thinks we’re like actually 7 years old (because the show is Y7, although I forget because it deals with so many dark themes) so the show is going to hold on to this puzzle for a while...just to fill time. And it’s fine because we gotta switch over to Pharaoh anyway.

Yami has this dream again. He attempts to fuse with Dark magician to overcome the dream, but alas, he is still not strong enough.

Yugi wakes up in this murky cave while Tea is out washing out like...some rag? (he’s also still got a rag, so I guess multiple rags were required for how sweaty Yugi is.)

Yugi says “I feel like I’m a new man!” a lot in this episode, and every time he calls himself a man like he’s some sort of adult it’s very funny to me.

And then this plot lore dropped.

I mean I guess inevitably it had to happen...

But man, end of an era. It was freakin hilarious while it lasted: that Pharaoh refused to read ancient Egyptian because it’s like 2002 and he is a High Schooler living in Japan and he actually doesn’t WANT to resolve the mystery of the puzzle. Maybe the people who made this arc don’t know about how in S2 and S3, the fact Pharaoh couldn’t read Marik’s back tatt was like...a really big issue. He couldn’t read the God card, he couldn’t even read that massive tablet that read “HEY PHARAOH THIS IS LITERALLY YOU”. KAIBA had to tell him how to read the God card for him. Freakin Seto “Magic is a lie” Kaiba had to tell him how to use the God Card because Pharaoh couldn’t read it.

But like...Pharaoh finally gave in at some point after the world was devoured by the Leviathan, and before Kaiba finished building Kaibaland (which was already built in S1 but wtv)

The timelines on this show have always been a mishmash...but this one is just like...

...show are you trying to convince me that at any point in this show after season Zero, Pharaoh had any idea what he was doing? Did he sap that brain energy straight out of Joey Wheeler so he could do this?

Wow.

(secretly hoping he forgets how to read Egyptian after this arc is over and the show goes back to the other development team)

Pharaohs reasoning is that, if this is the riddle of the light.....

....then where is the riddle of darkness????????????

and when Tea was like “Pharaoh that is not even remotely logic. Omg it’s so bright outside, lets go back to gross cave.” and Pharaoh was like “Tea! You got it!” and she was like “What the hell are you talking about?”

Not gonna lie, I saw the Orichalcos green, and I got concerned.

Anyway, Yugi gets very frustrated and was like “ugh, lets go save em. They’re gonna die (again.)” and marches down there as if he didn’t pass out an hour ago.

And he fuses with Dark Magician again while everyone else (including his grandpa) was like “Yugi are you freakin kidding me? The suit freakin kills you omg! Tea you had one freakin job!”

And then we get the plot twist that...I mean it makes sense but it was choreographed in a confusing way.

And out of no where this guy shows up again:

So this mysterious man shows up and says “If you don’t succeed you have to live here forever” which...nice...that would probably save the world a lot of problems if Yami got locked away and took his OP puzzle with him. And then this man also says “if you do succeed you become VERY POWERFUL” and Yami was like. “...”

This whole episode had a theme to it, where Tristan and Joey were trying to prove that they could do things on their own and without Yugi’s help. And honestly...felt a little bit misplaced. Yami’s the same guy who murdered Yugi last season with the Orichalcos so like...

...I mean he is probably more reliable than Tristan who once died and turned into a robot monkey for 10ish episodes.

and then they flew into a glowing door.

Folks, this was wild to look at.

This is wild.

And at this point I closed Photoshop and thought I was done. But then I looked at my timeline on the video and was like...wait...there’s more?

and I’m really glad I kept watching because it went back to Alex, who...is apparently just still at those steps in this haunted ass Pyramid.

Now we’re watching Yugioh.

I forgot for a second when they turned Joey into a Himbo and made Pharaoh literate, but we’re back. I mean...

...look at the liner art on this adult man.

So...I posit the question...has Alex spent the last 2-3 episodes doing nothing but applying eyeliner to his face in the dark? Because he absolutely has. And honestly, the vibe of being in a spooky haunted pyramid with barely any light, just applying eyeliner down the edge of your face...that’s a Yugioh vibe, if I ever saw one.

This arc is wild. Anyway, next episode we do even more fetch quests and riddles? Just going to guess now that we probably will.

(and for those new here, this is a link so you can read them from the top. Which, since we’re in S5, means you got like...hours of Yugioh content to read through. Enjoy the rewards of my weird hobby.)

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

#Yugioh #Yu-Gi-Oh #yami yugi #S5 #Ep20 #It's actually Ep 20 now I was wrong last time #Yugi muto #Grandpa Muto #Alexander the Great #Joey Wheeler #Tristan Taylor #Tea Gardner #TeaxYugi #never thought I would ever use that tag #in this show where they are canonically dating but sometimes it happens #Puzzles and Dragons #Because yes I had to talk about it. This collab is great

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sarahsanderson · 4 years ago

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Friends!

favorite male character: joey and chandler are neck and neck but joey makes me so soft when he's crushing on rachel and he has so many funny lines so i'll say joey

favorite female character: rachel karen green <3

least favorite character: i guess monica's mom is kinda mean idk i like everyone

prettiest character: rachel again!

funniest character: chandler bing!!!

favorite season: season two because ross/rachel gets turned up to eleven

favorite episode: idr the episode title but it's the one where rachel and joey watch cujo together <3

favorite romantic ship: joey x rachel, ross x rachel (mostly early seasons); ALSO shoutout to monica/richard, i love tom selleck so much; i also liked jon favreau's character with monica and was sad when that ended, but at least we got mondler in the end!

favorite family ship: monica and ross ("the routine!")

favorite friend ship: rachel and monica; joey and chandler

worst ship: gonna say chandler/janice just because they aren't good for each other

#ask #answer #mackayla-lane

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justanotheronechicagofan · 5 years ago

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4, 5, 10 and 24 for the Chicago med asks 🥰

Tysm for the asks 💗💗

4. Ava Becker or Sarah Reese?

Oof. This is a tough one. If I had to choose solely based on what the characters did in the show then I’d have to go with Sarah Reese. I feel like she was the baby of the ED and I loved that mentorship / big sibling relationship she had with everyone in there. I also love that she’s the type of person that truly sticks to what she’s passionate about - I mean quitting pathology because she knows that isn’t the right decision for her takes guts! Don’t get me wrong, I love Ava too but she did kill Connor’s father. But if it’s based on how much potential both characters had that the writers could have explored then I could never pick! At this point I know I’m sounding like a broken record but the chicago med writers did the women of the show so dirty!!!

5. Most hated character in the series?

I’ve said this before in the OneChicago asks but Dr Stohl. I really feel like he didn’t have the patients best interests at times and mostly only cared about money. I think that showed in that episode where he filmed the promotional video and also when he insisted the doctors got specific in the charts just so the hospital could charge them more.

10. Favorite recurring character? (Abrams, Latham, Nina, Joey, etc)

I can’t choose between Abrams and Latham!! Abrams always comes out with THE funniest lines and I live for his 120% done energy. Latham deserves all the awards for dealing with his two kids Connor and Ava - and omg that episode when he paid the ransom 😂😂 I also loved his friendship with Connor 🥰They’re both iconic characters and they both always have the patients best interests at heart.

Another special mention? Dr Downey 🙌🙌 Seeing that mentorship between Downey and Connor was great and you really got to see another side of Connor through him. I also really like how his character had this strong belief of TRULY listening to your patients - that really shone in that episode where he tried bloodless surgery.

24. If you were a doctor, what type would you be?

At first I was going to say pediatric because I love kids but I think it would be so hard seeing so many kids that are sick. I think maybe an ED doc because yes it is really high pressure and you can get recurring patients but probably less chances of becoming attached to a patient. Honestly though, shoutout to all doctors and healthcare workers! 💗🙌💗Y’all are amazing

#chicago med #asks #sorry for the long answers #chicago med asks

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hearts-hunger · 6 years ago

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Right in the Middle

Summary: Ben comes down with a head cold and worries he might be more trouble than he’s worth. Even though it’s four in the morning, Gwil and Joe are more than happy to prove their boyfriend wrong. Hurt/comfort, a tiny bit of angst, and lots of fluff!

Pairings: Ben Hardy x Joe Mazzello x Gwilym Lee, poly!borhap boys

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: None!

A/N: Alright y’all, this here is the most gratuitously fluffy thing I have ever written to date. It’s so sweet it’ll send you into a diabetic coma. It’s mostly me just uwuing onto a word document and hoping it turned into a story somewhere along the line. I really enjoyed writing it (shoutout to fics that remind you of how fun writing is!) and I hope you enjoy reading it! ♡

Usually Ben loved to sleep in the middle. What could be better than being sandwiched between his two favorite people, the two people he loved most in the world? He hadn’t thought too deeply about sleeping arrangements when they’d started their relationship, the practical and domestic aspects of it put on the backburner as he had the most mind-blowing sex of his life. Of course, there had never been a sense that their relationship would be purely physical; they were too close, loved each other too much, to consider anything other than building a committed, exclusive relationship once they’d crossed the line from friends to lovers. But the furthest thing from Ben’s mind in the early days had been what life would be like if they moved in together. He’d been too consumed with the raging desire that seemed never to die down and only increased when he was with them to think about the little things, like who would make coffee in the mornings (Gwilym, committing their cream and sugar preferences to memory almost immediately) and who would most often forget to turn off the oven (Joe, a talented but nonetheless scatterbrained cook).

Sleeping arrangements had been one of those little things that Ben hadn’t thought about until they actually slept together, intentionally going to bed as a threesome instead of just crashing after sex. Not that they didn’t still crash after sex - living together made it ten times easier to give into every little flame of desire, and they kept busy. But until now, Ben had always slept on his own. His only bedmates had been dates, not partners. He didn’t know what it was like to just sleep next to someone for the sake of sleeping next to them, especially not more than one person at a time.

Determining where they each wanted to sleep on the king-sized bed had been easy enough, though. Joe admitted to being slightly claustrophobic and Gwil was resolute in his desire to be on the right side of the bed, and Ben happily put himself in the middle between them. The first night in their apartment had been some of the best sleep of his life, tucked between Joe and Gwil, Joe’s legs tangled with his and Gwil’s arm over his waist. Gwil and Joe had woken him up with kisses, telling him how cute it was that he was so cuddly. He’d blushed and buried his face against Gwil’s chest to hide it, beaming under their attention and praise, loving the feel of his boyfriends on either side of him and content to be the one in the middle for the rest of his days.

Tonight, though, for the first time ever, he was wishing he wasn’t the one in the middle.

He muffled a few rough coughs in his sleeve, wincing at the scratchiness in his throat. He held his breath and waited to see whether he’d woken either Joe or Gwil; he relaxed when neither stirred, their breathing still deep and even. Still, he was bound to wake them up if this kept up much longer, and that was the last thing he wanted.

He didn’t know why he was so paranoid about it. They’d seen him sick plenty of times, including that less-than-sexy bout with the flu in the first few months of filming that had kept him from work for a good week. But that had been before they were dating; the most they’d had to do in response was send a “hope you feel better soon, mate!” text and check up on him every once in a while if the thought occurred to them. This was the first time any of them had gotten sick while they were actually together, much less living together. Ben sighed. Of course it had to be him.

They’d given him no reason to think they’d be frustrated or annoyed with him if he was sick, but he didn’t want to be the one to ruin this perfect romantic comedy they’d been living since they moved into the apartment less than two weeks ago. Everything was perfect - they never argued, they had amazing sex all the time, they woke up to each other sleepy and soft in the morning sunshine that streamed through the balcony windows and caught in Joe’s tousled ginger hair and brought out a shade close to violet in Gwilym’s eyes. Ben didn’t want to be the one to bring them crashing down to reality and risk how picture perfect their life was together.

His eyes widened at that thought, gripped by a sudden panic. He hadn’t thought his imagination was willing to go to gloom and doom that quickly, but now that he’d had the thought he couldn’t shake it. They’d have to deal with him being sick - utterly inconvenient and the exact opposite of sexy - and they’d realize that they’d just wanted sex all along. It really wasn’t worth it for the realities of domestic life. He wasn’t worth it.

God, Ben, dramatic much? he thought, chiding himself. Gwilym and Joe had given him no reason to think that. They’d shown him nothing but love from the very beginning.

But then again… that little voice said in the back of his mind, the voice that had made its appearance when he’d first felt the pressures of objectification on the set of Eastenders and had never truly gone away. They’ve never had to deal with you when you’re ill.

He tried to ignore that voice but found it difficult to keep his mind from following that train of thought. Since they’d started dating, Gwil and Joe had only really seen the side of Ben that was easy to love and therefore easy to share - his body, his cocky bravado, his sexiness. He knew those were the reasons people liked him, and he knew they were definitely high on the list of why Gwil and Joe liked him too. Gwil and Joe often told him they loved him, but would they still mean it when Ben couldn’t live up to that version of himself?

As if on cue, he had to scramble to pull the collar of his shirt up over his nose to catch two sneezes that tumbled out one after another, trying to keep as quiet as he could. He caught his breath in a soft gasp as he laid back on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling but not really seeing anything, slightly dazed and aware of the beginnings of a headache.

He felt his pulse jump as Joe rolled over to face him, his hand going to Ben’s torso.

Joe nuzzled against Ben’s shoulder, not really having woken. Though Ben normally would have relaxed into Joe’s closeness, at the moment he felt that it only made his dilemma worse. What he really needed to do was get out of bed so he could go sleep on the couch and keep from waking them, but trying to disentangle himself from his boyfriends would defeat the purpose.

He couldn’t stay in bed, though. He decided to try and get up as carefully as he could; he gently moved Joe’s hand and took his time easing off the bed. Gwil’s hand went to Ben’s empty spot, seeking his warmth, a soft noise of surprise escaping him as he realized Ben wasn’t there.

“Benny?” he murmured, his voice heavy with sleep. Only Joe and Gwil were allowed to call him that, and even then it didn’t happen often unless they were tired or drunk or feeling very affectionate. It wasn’t like calling Joe “Joey”, which he adored and answered to faster than any other nickname.

“Shh,” Ben soothed. “Go back to sleep.”

Joe stirred too and Ben grimaced.

“What’s going on?” Joe mumbled.

“Nothing,” Ben said quickly, keeping his voice low. “Just going to the bathroom. Go back to sleep.”

Though that was a lie, it was a reasonable answer, and Gwilym and Joe were content to settle down and fall back asleep. Ben gave a sigh of relief; they wouldn’t know until morning that he hadn’t come back, and maybe by then he’d be feeling better, or at least able to look and sound better than he felt.

Ben padded out to the living room, rubbing a hand over his chest in an attempt to soothe the tightness that had taken up residence there, along with a wet crackling sound every time he breathed. God, he was freezing - without Gwil and Joe to keep him warm, he’d actually started shivering. A sweater of Gwil’s was draped over the back of couch, but he didn’t put it on for fear of stretching it out. Though Ben knew his muscles drove Gwil wild, he wasn’t sure Gwil would appreciate how they stretched a sweater fitted to his lean frame.

He laid down on the couch, curling in on himself, wishing more than anything that he could get back in bed with his boyfriends. With the next volley of coughs that racked him, though, he knew it had been the right choice to leave their bed. Gwil and Joe needed their sleep, and Ben had had plenty of practice being on his own when all he really wanted was to be held. He crossed his arms over his chest to try and warm up as he drifted in and out of a restless sleep.

Gwilym didn’t know what had woken him. He vaguely remembered Ben getting up from bed; he reached for the blonde to see if he was back and was met with empty space between him and Joe. He frowned, glancing over to the bathroom; the door was open and the lights were off.

He ran a hand over his face as he got out of bed, seeing 3:28 am glowing in red digits from the alarm clock on the bedside table. Joe and Ben both had told him it was a good idea to keep the alarm clock on his side, since he was the only one out of them who could be counted on to not consistently snooze the alarm. Gwilym usually woke earlier than either of his boyfriends, which was fine by him, and he was happy to take the responsibility of setting an alarm more suited to when they wanted to get up after he rose to begin his day.

Pausing to make sure Joe was sufficiently covered - the boy got so cold at night it was almost comical, eliciting protests when his cold hands met his warm boyfriends - Gwil left their bedroom and headed out to the living room, his brain still sluggish from sleep but working to determine why on earth Ben wasn’t in bed. Maybe he hadn’t been able to sleep and had come out to watch tv; whatever it was, Gwil wanted to try and do what he could to help and convince Ben to come back to bed.

The sight that met him in the living room nearly broke Gwilym’s heart. On the couch, Ben was curled in on himself as tightly as he could manage, his cheeks bright pink despite the way he shivered. He was asleep but Gwilym guessed only barely so, each breath heavy and rattling in his chest.

Gwil went over to the couch and knelt by Ben, stroking a hand over his blonde curls. He was burning up, the poor thing. Ben stirred at Gwil’s touch, his pretty green eyes fluttering open and taking a moment to focus. In that moment of waking Gwil saw a vulnerability in Ben that the younger man couldn’t help, revealing a softness and relief mixed with a kind of fear that Gwil didn’t understand but immediately wanted to soothe. He pushed aside the worry that shocked through him, studying Ben’s face and trying to think of how best to help him.

“Ben, sweetheart,” he said softly. “What’s wrong?”

The relief that Gwil had seen on Ben’s face when he first woke was quickly replaced by panic. Ben rushed to sit up, swaying slightly as he instinctively pressed a hand to his temple. Gwil reached out a hand to steady him, taking his arm in a gentle grip.

“Slow down, love,” he chided. “Easy.”

“‘M fine,” Ben said in a painfully hoarse voice.

“You’re not fine,” Gwil said as Ben shrugged his hand away, wishing he knew why Ben was being so flighty. “You’re out on the couch at four in the morning. What’s wrong?”

Ben’s broad shoulders shook with muffled coughs; Gwil winced at the sound, knowing it couldn’t feel good.

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“You don’t have to put up a strong front for me, Ben, you know that,” Gwil said. “I can tell you’re not feeling well, but I would have thought you’d be more comfortable in bed. Why’d you come out here?”

Ben’s cheeks flushed with more than fever. “Didn’t want to wake you,” he mumbled.

Gwil gave him a sympathetic smile. “You’re sweet, angel, but I’m afraid it didn’t really work. Joe’s going to be coming out soon enough to see what’s taken us from bed.”

Ben looked down at his hands. “Sorry,” he said softly. Gwil was surprised to see Ben’s eyes pool with tears.

“Ben, sweetheart,” he said worriedly, taking Ben’s hand in his own. “You don’t have to apologize. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Please don’t cry.”

Ben ran the heel of his palm over his cheek, unable to stop a few tears falling. “I didn’t mean to wake you,” he said. “I tried to keep quiet but - ” He cut himself off with a series of painful coughs, burying his face against the crook of his arm; Gwil moved to sit next to him, rubbing his back in an effort to soothe him.

“Obviously I can’t,” Ben said when he was able to draw a full breath. The embarrassment in his voice made Gwil want to cry. “So I came out here.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Gwil said gently. “That’s ok. You didn’t have to come out here. We wouldn’t have minded being woken.”

“Yeah, but you don’t want to deal with me like this,” Ben said, the frustration in his voice directed at himself. He didn’t say it as an accusation but as more of a fact, and it broke Gwilym’s heart to know that Ben thought that. “I’m not… I can’t be what you want me to be. Of course it’s me, of course I’m the one who messes everything up ‘cause I can’t handle a bloody head cold without making a fuss.”

He grew more and more agitated as he spoke, his embarrassment and frustration only aggravated by how miserable he felt. Gwilym found himself at a bit of a loss for how to comfort his boyfriend, never having imagined that this was how he felt and feeling guilt shred through him that he hadn’t noticed before now. Had it really taken a high fever and desperate tears for Gwil to notice something he should have been attuned to and fixed way before now?

He put a hand to Ben’s warm and tear-streaked face, turning his head to make the blonde look at him. Ben’s eyes met his, seeking desperately for assurance even as he thought the very worst of himself.

“Listen to me,” Gwil said gently, desperate for Ben to know how much he meant what he said. “You haven’t messed anything up, Ben. You could never mess this up, no matter what you did. Joe and I love you more than anything in the world, and a head cold isn’t going to make us stop loving you. Nothing in the world could do that, do you hear me?”

Ben just nodded, his tears hot against Gwil’s hand. Gwil leaned close to kiss the tears from his boyfriend’s face, wanting him to know how deeply he was loved.

“It’s ok to be sick, sweetheart,” he said softly. “You’re only human. You’re exactly what Joe and I want you to be, which is just you, fever and all. I love you, and Joe loves you, more than anything. Of course we want to take care of you. In sickness and in health, hm?”

Ben managed a watery smile, leaning into Gwil’s touch. “We’re not married.”

“Not yet,” Gwil said, kissing Ben’s cheek. “But it’s still true. You don’t have to hide anything from us, sweetheart. Not ever. Let us take care of you, because we want to, I promise.”

Ben sniffled. “Not very sexy though, is it?”

Gwil gave a soft laugh, drawing Ben close and letting the younger man lean his head on Gwil’s shoulder.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Gwil said, running his hand up and down Ben’s arm. “That’d be like living in a movie. Real life is messy and broken and sometimes not all that sexy, and it’s ok. I want real life with you and Joe, in all its mess and all its beauty.”

Ben took Gwil’s hand in his own. “I want real life with you, too.”

Gwil kissed Ben’s forehead. “Glad to hear it, love. You need to be taken care of, and you don’t know how happy it makes me to be one of the ones to do it.”

Ben laughed, the sound devolving into a cough. “You’re joking.”

Gwil chuckled. “I’m not, I promise. This is exactly what I’ve always wanted. It’s better than what I’ve wanted. Being able to love you and Joe like this… it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You two are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I would gladly spend my days taking care of you if you needed me to.”

Ben looked up and met Gwilym’s eyes. “I love you.”

Gwil smiled. “I love you too. Let’s get you feeling better, hm? How does some tea sound?”

“Lovely,” Ben admitted. “Thanks.”

Gwil rose from the couch and hesitated before heading to the kitchen, seeing the way Ben crossed his arms over his chest to compensate for losing Gwil’s warmth. Noticing one of his sweaters on the back of the couch, he took and and handed it to Ben, wondering why he hadn’t put it on earlier.

“Here, put this on before you freeze to death,” he said.

Ben took the sweater, looking up at him with a bit of confusion. “Are you sure? I don’t want to stretch it out.”

Gwil softened. “I don’t mind, love. You look better in it anyway. Or you will, once you get it on and warm up a bit.”

A gentle smile crossed Ben’s face as he pulled Gwil’s sweater on, breathing in his boyfriend’s scent.

“See?” Gwil said. The sleeves were a bit long on Ben, covering his hands. “Told you, it looks much cuter on you. I’ll go get you a blanket as soon as I’ve got the kettle on.”

“Somebody called for a blanket?”

Both Gwil and Ben looked towards the hallway at the sleepy voice, smiling as they saw Joe coming in with the comforter wrapped around his shoulders like a cape. He looked still half-asleep, but he gave each of his boyfriends a drowsy smile.

“Four a.m. seems like a weird time to be hanging out in the living room, gentlemen,” he teased. “Especially since I wasn’t invited.”

“Didn’t want to wake you,” Ben said.

“I was freezing,” Joe said. “You try going from two boyfriends in bed to no boyfriends in bed and see how long you last.”

Gwil chuckled and gave Joe a kiss on his way to the kitchen. “Sorry, love. Seems like you’ve got the solution, though, taking the whole bed with you.”

“Yeah, well, if you two won’t come to bed, I’m bringing the bed to you.”

Slipping the blanket from his shoulders, Joe came over to the couch and sat leaning against the arm, stretching out his feet towards Ben.

“Come here, Bear,” Joe said, calling him by the nickname he’d given him one night when they’d virtually the whole time just cuddling. Ben went happily into Joe’s arms, lying between his legs and resting his head on Joe’s chest. Joe covered both of them with the blanket, tucking it securely around Ben.

“Sorry you don’t feel good, baby,” Joe said, running his fingers through Ben’s hair.

“How’d you know?” Ben asked, his voice muffled against Joe’s chest.

“Besides the fact that you’re, like, a million degrees right now?” Joe said. “I’m attuned to these kinds of things. Plus, you only sneeze in doubles when you’re sick.”

Ben propped himself up on his forearms, frowning as he looked up at Joe. “What?”

Joe cracked a smile. “What do you mean, what? It’s true. When you’re sick, you always sneeze twice in a row.”

Ben considered that. “I mean… I guess? I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Trust me on this one,” Joe said, amused. “Anyway, I’m right, aren’t I? Why didn’t you say you were feeling bad?”

Ben laid his head back on Joe’s chest. “I dunno. Didn’t want to cause trouble.”

“Well, Gwil and I love trouble,” Joe said, scratching Ben’s back like he knew he liked. “Don’t we, Gwil?”

“Adore it, in fact,” Gwil agreed. “Joey, do you want some tea?”

“Of course he does,” Ben answered for him.

“Lots of sugar,” Joe added.

“I’ll give you one spoonful,” Gwil said. “You’ll thank me when you’re trying to get back to sleep.”

Ben could feel Joe’s laugh, the sound warm and comforting.

“Whatever you say, mom,” Joe said. Though they were the same age, Gwil was objectively the more mature one. Gwil smiled and shook his head in affectionate exasperation, bringing two mugs over to them and setting them on the coffee table.

“Earl grey for Joe and lemon ginger for you,” he told Ben. “It’ll help your cough.”

“Aren’t you coming to sit with us?” Ben asked.

“In a moment, my love,” Gwil assured him. “Let me get you some medicine.”

Gwil went back to their bedroom to retrieve some medicine from the bathroom cabinet and Joe shifted on the couch.

“Here, baby,” he said. “Sit up so you can have your tea.”

Ben moved so Joe could sit up against the arm of the couch, leaning his back against Joe’s chest when they were settled. Joe handed Ben his tea before grabbing his own.

“I love you, Benny,” Joe said softly. Ben shivered as Joe pressed a tea-warmed kiss to his shoulder.

Joe gave a soft laugh. “Still cold?”

“No,” Ben said truthfully. He snuggled closer to his ginger boyfriend. “I’m perfect.”

“You will be once you’ve got some medicine into you,” Gwil said, coming back in with two pills in hand. “I reckon your fever’s high enough that you should take both.”

Ben did as Gwil said, taking the pills with a sip of his tea. “Thanks.”

“No problem, love,” Gwil said. He sat against the opposite arm of the couch, his long legs finding someplace among Ben’s and Joe’s underneath the blanket, his own cup of tea in hand.

“I guess we should tell Rami not to expect us for lunch tomorrow,” Gwil said, absently running his fingers over Joe’s calf.

“Oh, I completely forgot about that,” Ben said, feeling guilt flare again. Rami was coming into London for a few weeks to stay with Lucy, but he’d wanted to see them as much as he could and they felt the same. They were supposed to all go out for lunch together tomorrow while Lucy went for a cover shoot.

“You don’t have to cancel on account of me,” Ben said. “You two should still go.”

“No way,” Joe said. “Who’s going to make sure you’re alive if we’re gone?”

“We’re not leaving you when you’re ill, sweetheart,” Gwil said. “What kind of boyfriends would we be then?”

Ben smiled. “You’re wonderful boyfriends,” he said. “The only boyfriends I want, anyway.”

“Oh, glad to hear it,” Joe teased.

Ben’s laugh quickly dissolved into a coughing fit; he leaned forward, trying to ease the ache in his chest that accompanied every inhale. Gwil took Ben’s tea from him before he spilled it, Joe rubbing Ben’s back as both grimaced at the painful sound of Ben’s coughs and wishing there was more they could do.

“Deep breath, baby,” Joe soothed when Ben had recovered. “It’s ok. Take a deep breath.”

“Sorry,” Ben croaked.

“Nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart,” Gwil reminded him. “D’you want your tea back?”

Ben made to take it but hesitated with his hand outstretched, a glazed look crossing his face. Gwil patiently held onto the mug, not surprised when Ben ducked his head and caught two sneezes in the crook of his arm.

“Bless,” Gwil said.

Ben gave a slight groan at the pounding headache at his temples. “Thanks.” He took his tea back from Gwil, the hot lemon and ginger brew soothing the scratchiness in his throat.

“Told you you always sneeze twice in a row when you’re sick,” Joe said smartly.

Ben gave a weak laugh. “I think a simple ‘bless you’ would have sufficed.”

Joe chuckled and wrapped his arm around Ben’s waist, drawing the blonde to lean back against him again. “Bless you.”

Ben set his tea of the coffee table and followed Joe’s lead, his head resting right at Joe’s collarbone. He turned his head and bumped the bridge of his nose against Joe’s jawline, breathing in his scent; he could feel Joe’s heartbeat against his back, strong and steady.

Gwil ran his hand over Ben’s thigh, his touch intended to soothe rather than stimulate. He smiled to himself as he saw Ben visibly relax, leaning into Joe; he noticed Ben was wearing a pair of his wool socks as he rested his foot against Gwil’s thigh. Ben would be sound asleep in a minute, the medicine and his boyfriends’ warmth having the desired effect. His soft lips parted slightly as his eyes closed, a rosy pink over his nose and cheeks, his breaths congested but steady.

Joe met Gwil’s eyes and gave him a tired smile that Gwil couldn’t help but return. It wasn’t how they’d thought their night would go, but tangled up on the couch with their boyfriend between them, they wouldn’t have changed a thing.

“I love you, you know,” Gwil said softly. He knew the next few days would have their attention turned towards Ben, which he didn’t mind in the least, but he wanted to make sure Joe didn’t feel pushed by the wayside.

Joe smiled. “I know,” he said gently. “I love you too. And it’s ok. We’ll figure it out, right?”

Gwil felt a weight off his shoulders knowing Joe understood what he meant, knowing he understood the uncertainty that cropped up in a relationship like this. They each knew that balancing two people in a relationship was hard enough, but three? There were sure to be plenty of difficulties, plenty of moments of confusion and hurt and misunderstanding as they tried to work out how to be together and love each other well.

But then again, there were sure to be plenty of times like this, and Gwil couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather figure this out with than Joe and Ben. The loves of his life, his best friends in the entire world.

“What’s say we take our boy to bed?” Gwil said.

“Good deal,” Joe agreed. He let Gwil wake Ben gently, running his hand up and down his arm.

“Was’ going on?” Ben mumbled.

“Time for bed, love,” Gwil said tenderly. “Come on.”

Ben nodded. “You’re coming too?”

“Right behind you, sweetheart,” Gwil assured him. “Go on and lay down.”

Ben reluctantly left his spot against Joe and headed towards the bedroom, rubbing his face with his too-long sleeves. Gwil smiled as he saw the way Joe looked at Ben, the affection in his expression matched by how Gwil felt about both of them.

“God, he’s cute in your sweater,” Joe said.

“Cuter than me?” Gwil teased.

Joe gave a soft laugh. “That’s not fair and you know it.”

Gwil kissed Joe’s cheek. “I know, and I’m horrible for it. But he is cuter than me in it, so I don’t mind if you say so.”

Joe turned his head towards Gwil and kissed him, drawing a contented sigh from Gwil.

“Ready for bed, love?” Gwil asked.

He could feel Joe’s smile. “I love it when you call me that. It’s very British of you.”

“You mean you don’t like it when I call you darlin’?” he joked in an exaggerated Southern accent.

Joe laughed. “Alright, cowboy, yeehaw to you too. Lucky for you, I like good old southern boys.”

“Too bad you’re dating two Brits,” Gwil teased.

“Mmh,” Joe agreed with a grin. “A shame, really.”

They kissed again, feeling a flicker of passion despite how tired they both were, and perhaps would have followed up on it had it not been for Ben’s feeble call of “Gwil? Joey?” that immediately had them heading to the bedroom to be with their poor sick boyfriend.

“Right here, baby,” Joe said, laying on Ben’s left side.

“Sorry we took so long,” Gwil added, taking the other spot opposite Joe, tucking Ben securely between them. “Everything ok?”

“Perfect,” Ben said, his voice hoarse. “Don’t be sorry, though, I’m just sad I missed the makeout session.”

Gwil and Joe laughed.

“Makeout session, huh?” Joe teased, brushing his knuckles over Ben’s flushed cheek. “You always let your imagination run that wild?”

“Only when I’m with you,” Ben said with a yawn, tucking against Gwil, happy to be the little spoon. “I expect to live vicariously through you two while I’m sick, you know. Hot makeout sessions and everything.”

Gwil chuckled and kissed Ben’s cheek. “Whatever you want, love. But for right now, why don’t we all try and get some rest, hm?”

“And when you’re better, we’ll kiss you senseless,” Joe promised.

Though he would gladly have stayed up and listened to his boyfriends’ bantering all night long, Ben felt the effects of the medicine take hold again as he lay safely between the two people he loved most. He felt Gwil’s arm go over his waist and Joe taking his hand and holding it close to his chest, their breathing evening out as they fell asleep. The last thought Ben had as he drifted off to sleep was that he was back where he belonged, right in the middle, and that he was silly to have ever thought he should have left.

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licoriceblackaliceangel · 6 years ago

Photo

February 1st is the day I made this blog!

First making this blog, I’ve said it plenty of times when it was brought up, but I never intended to do much with it.

I made it for the purpose of not flooding my main blog with bat/im stuff, and having the idea of answering asks for Alice if any came by. I was RPing as Alice with someone on discord for at least four months prior to this blog, and soon this blog delved more into an RP blog more than an ask blog.

I’ve made plenty of friends, have so many memories and a lot of growth through this blog. And despite some of the hard times I faced and forces and situations where I almost deleted a few times.. I don’t regret a thing.

SO.

I decided to make a little follow forever under the cut! A few people (Going back. A lot of people did. Oops.) will get some special shoutouts solely because I have a lot of thoughts, but if I don’t write something for you, don’t think you mean any less to me! If I forget anyone, my DEEPEST APOLOGIES. I have the memory of a gold fish and trying to remember everyone is. Hard.

But just know if we are mutuals I LOVE AND CHERISH YOU.

This also got a lot longer than I expected OOPS

@inkdrenchedsmile: Tea, I tell you everyday and talk to you almost everyday. I love and cherish you so so so much. You’re the sweetest, cutest, most darling thing ever. You are the brightest little marshmallow peep~ And I have so grateful everyday to have met you and be able to write with you. I love your writing and stories and your ideas and art and YOU ARE SO TALENTED! You mean the world to me. I love you, honeybun <3

@kalamxs: GIO. BOY YOu know I told you plenty of times you’re one of the reasons I even went to making this blog. I followed you before I even had the thought in my mind (I don’t remember why, maybe from your AWESOME ART and your writing and rping made me stay) because YOU ARE SO FUCKING GOOD!! I remember laughing all the time and sharing with my friends in my discord even though they don’t exactly understand BUT-- Man I’m so happy I got to actually. Interact with you! And get to befriend you and man YOUR ART GIVES ME LIFE. I love seeing all your stuff and writing and I LOVE WRITING WITH YOU. Bendo and Alice are absolutely adorable as well; fucking dorks. I LOVE YOU BABEY!! NEVER GONNA STOP LOVIN AND SUPPORTIN YOU!!

@bendicethedaughterofthedevil: NICK. You know I been with you since the MERE START. And I told you watching your growth and Bendice’s story was. WOO. Man I sometimes see the old Baby Shower art thing I did for the twin’s baby shower like.. Gonna be almost a year with that too. And just. :(.. THINGS WERE SIMPLER THEN.. I love you Nick, you’re talented and sweet and so so ambitious and strong and I LOVE YOU BABEY!!

@devilswinging: Veemo, I am so glad to have been able to meet ya and interact with you. I love ya man and I love writing with you and your muses. I love the small chit chats we have and seeing you on my dash. I love Alice’s relationship with Bebe and Sammy and just. Man!! You know, no matter what, if you ever feel down and feel like no one likes your boys, know I !! Will always love and appreciate them. <3 And Alice does too.

@instrumentsofcyanide: STELLLAAAAAAA. I fucking love you Stella. You’re so funny and sweet and the little messages back and forth sometimes and you coming in my DMs like: WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH YOUR ANONS all the time is. So funny. All the damn fiascos Oreo manages to produce and just. Oreo in general. Always gets me laughing and smiling. I love you and your boy so much?? You’re so fun and creative and silly and just an OVERALL JOY TO TALK AND BE AROUND WITH!!! I’m so glad to be able to interact and talk with you <3 (Never forget the first time I think you actually said anyhting to me was about that one Alice Blog Foot Pics Fiasco and I’ll never forget being like; Man someone I look up to and I’s first interaction is over saying ‘wow fuck this girl’ over guilting me for foot pics-- DOFIHJGFD)

@inkwise: AVI I LOVE YOU SM. DFKGJ. You’re so sweet and creative and your muses are an absolute joy. I especially have so many feelings. For Henry. So much. I love this man so much and I thank you and him everyday for my life. He needs a break. I love getting to write with you and seeing you on my dash is?? A fucking delight. Thank you. <3

@lxgner: ALICE YOU CREATIVE SWEET PERSON. You have so many damn muses and I APPLAUD YOU. Your OCs are all pretty sweet imo? The ones I seen. And the ambition you have to write and work on all this?? I applaud. I love your Joey muses esp and they’re so interesting and I love the thought you put into them all you know?? It’s interesting and really brings life into them. Your writing is delicious and your humor is. Great. I love writing with you <3 Keep your head up darling.

@one-eyed-twin: LADY V I LOVE YA SWEETHEART. Your muses are a delight and I love the little threads we’ve had, either it with Phiona, Clyde or Vlad (here and on my other blog) I love peaking at your threads and seeing your writing. You’re an absolute delight and I love?? Your creativity and your ART!! You truly are a person with impeccable tastes ~ Love seeing you on the dash, love <3

@inkyencounters: Glowbun you. Are really a sweetheart. So creative and funny, you really are kind and try to look out for everyone and it’s Very nice. I’m very appreciative of how kind ya are and the creativity you have with your muses and just. It’s very refreshing. Thank you for everything.

@sillymuses: Where do I begin. I love writing with you either with Charlie or on this blog, both here and my OC blog of course. You really have such a creative spin in your writing and really? Feel your characters and paint them so!! Amazingly. I love the back and forth between you and you’re honestly. Adorable. I love seeing you and your creativity hun <3

@inkmachine: GLOOMY I LOVE YOU AND I HOPE THINGS ARE/WILL GET BETTER SOON LOVIE. God it’s always a treat when you’re online and on the dash it’s. Always hilarious. I love seeing what Bendy fucking gets up to this time and he’s so?? Awesome. I love him a lot. The little bastard PFF. He’s absolute adorable and cute and I love the dark shit with him honestly. And him and Alice’s lil Candi adventures are always. Tooth rottingly sweet. I love ya hun. <3

@taakos-troupe-of-threads: I hope you know the phrase “Snap would fight Chalk Jesus for Alice’s honor” is a thing that will NEVER leave my mind and tends to cross it once a day. PFF. I love writing with you and seeing you on the dash as well! Snap is a fucking DOLL and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. (As does Alice, ofc) They’re absolutely adorable and poor girl is such a worrier PFF. Our DMs are always something funny as well, I think. I always know I’m in for something good when I see that fucking. Orange Danny Devito icon in my dms-- KSKJF

@dappcrdust: GLITTER!! Man. I remember first writing with you with your Bendy muse and honestly? Ever interaction from him to now has ALWAYS been a fun treat. I love your writing and love seeing you on and getting into whatever shenanigans that seem to pop up. Mostly with Angel it seems pfff.. Sweet Angel. I love what you have all done and cooked for him and his character he’s so?? three dimensional i love it. Him and Alice’s BFFship is honestly. Great and I love them SO MUCH. You’re creative and fun and just. A sweetheart. Love ya hun <3

@gamblxrhxsk: tbh I didn’t know what blog to @ YOU FUCKING MANIAC. Jk. I love you Echo. PFFF It’s funny to me that I feel I got closer with you via fucking. shit with CEO-Entity. LMAO. Echo where do I start. You are SO DAMN FUNNY. Like my GOD how many times have I laughed out loud to myself over some shit ya wrote and done?? Hell, even with your stuff with phil swift and entity and all that stuff got my SQUAD TO COME TO ME LAUGHING OVER IT!! I love also all your muses and the fact you got this whole arsenal and can?? Keep up with it for what it seems like. PROPS!! I love fucking around with you here and there and even though we don’t really write together too much (which, I would love to but I’m myself and even still lowkey anxious OIGJG) I just love putzing around and seeing you do your thing on the dash; from jokes to serious business. It’s always a treat. <3

@nctherchpter: Pai, I’m still lowkey so flattered you ever followed me back (and now mutuals with me on our mains like. WHAAA--) Your art is always. Bellissimo. Asriel was always a joy to see and honestly just. Stole my heart. I love him so much. Your writing is always a joy and man you just. Are skilled in The Arts(TM) Your self insert blog is also?? Awesome. I love the concept and idea and going through with a thing like? Honestly. Inspiration. All your self insert stuff really is just. Big big inspo. I’m so glad you seem to have? So much fun. Also I did say it in Nick’s stream many moons ago when they were going through BATIM again. Your voice is v cute <3

@clair-de-luna: WHERE DO I BEGIN WITH YOU!!! Man I remember following your main back for that SWEET MUFFETON ART. My cherished Muffeton mutual. And now here we both are with THIS. YOUR ART JUST CONTINUES TO INSPIRE AND GROW AND I LOVE!! SEEING IT!! And LUNA MELTS ALICE AND I’S HEART ALL THE TIME. God does she ADORE HER LITTLE STAR!! Ugh. I cry real tears. Always a delight to see you both here and your main. <3 I love ya DC!!

@lilithmagne: AC you. Are truly an artistic marvel. Your art is INCREDIBLE, your writing is BEAUTIFUL. And I love seeing you on my dashboard. You are so sweet and kind?? It’s so nice. I LOVE the love and work you put into Lilith and her story and your research and dedication? It’s amazing. Lilith is an absolute BEAUTY and God I LOVE HER. You do her SUCH A BEAUTIFUL JUSTICE!! So honored to be mutuals with you honestly. <3 Keep being amazing you beautiful person.

@lucifermagne: MARZI YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL. Working on all those HH icons for other rpers, working on your other RP blogs and pumping out that SWEET CONTENT. You are honestly a treasure. You are absolute sweet and a joy to see online. I love peaking at your threads and LOVE seeing your posts either for HCs or just IC shenanigans with Lucifer. You put so much through and care into your interpretation of him and I LOVE IT. He’s such a fun goof ball but at the same time presents himself as. THE KING OF HELL. Obviously. He’s an absolute Joy and just!! It’s amazing. We haven’t threaded together yet but even despite that?? I just love seeing you and him (and Alastor and Marx and the gang ofc) on the dash. Always a damn delight. <3

@thatscwewywabbit: we only just started interacting like. a week or so ago but AMANDA Man I have told you before how much I adore seeing you write for Bugs and how it’s ALWAYS SO FUN to see him and your posts for him on the dash. THE AMOUNT OF RESEARCH, CARE, LOVE, THOUGHT ALL PUT INTO HIM AND YOUR WRITING FOR HIM. It’s just so good. So refreshing. Ugh. MY CHILDHOOD!! It makes me so happy all the time. You really are. An inspiration. Writing with you and him is a DELIGHT and love peeking at your other threads just. It’s so nice. It’s almost uncanny how well you play him. My goodness! Keep being awesome lovely <3

@viennaxmuses: Fuck you bitch. Yeah. You’re getting put here. Bitch. Fuck you. I LOVE YOU. BItch. You fucking fuck. You sweet cute funny fuck. You adorable loving supportive bitch. Ya uplifting comforting creative artistic thot. Fuck you.

Okay this went WAY LONGER THAN I INTENDED but sorry everyone else I didn’t write a lil blurb for. I wrote a lot and I STILL WANNA GIVE SHOUTOUTS CUS I LOVE!! ALL OF YOU!! Even non-mutuals like. I just wanna share all the love and appreciation I have here.

@hxllodolly @cvangclii @snxkeyes @ofinkdxmonsandxngels @brxkeninstrument / @butcherbrains @stupidcoffeeboy @strawberry-lemonade-muses @hazbinmuses @bornloscrs @black-jack-the-cat @bluescarfvivi @a-framed-rabbit @angelusvoce @ask-slender-and-gray @wrenchand-abone

#follow forever #long post /#WOOF WOOF W #also yeah good news I didn't entirely loose it YAY

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cards-onthetable · 6 years ago

Text

Happy Friday

I’m going to eat this cinnamon roll that’s the size of my head and complain about the last BB episode from two weeks ago, because those both seem like productive uses of my time right now. 👍

FrAnK

Lol I didn’t pay attention the first time I watched this episode but.... what? Some cop robbed a liquor store...? Okay, okay, I’m listening... when he was 15? Why couldn’t Sid lead with that? I’m already bored of this.

Shoutout to Baker. That’s all.

Danny

This is a sad situation and everything but mostly I’m much more interested in Danny in a scrub top than I ever thought I’d be. 👀

I still don’t care much about this storyline but I will say for Aussie: paying closer attention than I did the first time I watched it, I’m not bothered whatsoever by the mother of the kid Danny killed. Actually, she’s one of the better guest actresses I remember (how about that show of emotion? Light years ahead of all the loser guest actors who can barely fake cry, like they all need to take a lesson from the Joey Tribbiani School Of Acting and poke some tweezers through a hole in their pants pocket). Because her child just died. Who cares how horrible of a person he was, robbing a store to probably fund some addiction or whatever, and then trying to kill a cop. That mom sure as fuck doesn’t care. That’s her baby and her love for him isn’t going to fade because he didn’t turn out how she no doubt wanted.

Was she right, going up to Danny at the precinct and telling him he was wrong to shoot her kid? I mean, yes and no. She wasn’t there, she didn’t watch her kid try to murder Danny, she didn’t see that Danny was legitimately defending his life, and dude she doesn’t give a fuck. Her kid got shot and you could tell her a million times it was a justified shooting but that’ll mean nothing to her. At the end of the day Danny needs to recognize that he acted appropriately, and this mom is experiencing the worst grief you could imagine, and none of it’s personal. It was a hard case but he needs to move on. And no, I do not blame that mother whatsoever for what she said to Danny.

Jamko

Please give me another close shot of Eddie’s eyes through the slot in the closet door. Riveting cinematic mastery.

GOD why did Eddie and Maya have to jump out screaming at this poor turnstile jumper chick? Until they have other info, this is like, the equivalent of a speeding ticket. Tone down the intensity, girlfriend. 😂

OKAY THIS PRECINCT SCENE. I saw a whole lot of positive feedback and tHe BaNtEr iS BaCk!!1 reactions but NOPE I HATE IT HERE’S WHY

“Sure, come 😒 on 😒 in 😒, Officer Janko” shut up Jamie, the little dig at Eddie’s ~manners~ was cute when it was you reminding her to knock before barging into the men’s locker room, but ugh @ this.

“Jamie—” “JaMiE?” “I mean Sarge...” I HATE IT him correcting her like that. 🙄🙄🙄 I understand a need to maintain professional decorum when other people are around, but come on, it’s his private office and nobody else around, don’t be a dick Jamie. (Also don’t even re: the overall whole Issue of him being her superior at work, I hate it, it’s fine)

Side note: DON’T EVEN with Eddie calling Jamie Sarge in bed, which is a thing I saw multiple people post/tweet about after the episode. AFTER THAT SCENE? I’d rather watch Erin and Anthony fuck than hear Eddie call Jamie “Sarge” in bed.

UGH overall Jamie’s just not cute. So he just corrected Eddie to have her call him Sarge... but now he’s being all goofy and gloaty and 😏😜 @ her? Which is it Jamie? Are you her boss or her fiancé?

“Yes. You were right, I was wrong.” OF COURSE because when is a ReAgAn ever wrong? Spare me.

“I love these stripes” I’m about to throw this damn cinnamon roll across the room yo I can’t. The whole vibe in this scene is just WEIRD and I’m getting all these weird mixed signals re: their dynamic/the boundaries they may or may not have at work. I hate everything.

Alright moving on before I get too annoyed @ JAMIE’S DUMBASS FINGER and correcting Eddie on the Sarge thing again. I’LL TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN PUT THAT FINGER, SaRgE

Eddie/Anthony

THIS IS THE DUMBEST STORYLINE EVER. Okay now that that’s out of the way—

Why is Eddie all flustered in the DA’s office like she’s some rookie who’s never met a lawyer before? She’s in what, her sixth year of being a cop? She’s dealt with lawyers, she’s been a witness in court before, she should be an old pro at this. Not to mention Erin’s her family now. Why the weird anxiety bordering on ineptitude?

I’m quite impressed @ how quickly Anthony went from “HoW’S tHe DaMn PriNtEr TuRn oN?!” to “Sit down and shut your yap”

Eddie’s still all “I’m confused!!!!” and I’m still all sad about it

The blocking in this scene is dumb. Who decided to have Anthony sit for one second to deliver one line about blowing time and then get up and get his coat? 🙄

“I’ll crap” might be one of the dumbest things poor Vanessa Ray has ever been subjected to on this show.

OH COOL WE’RE BACK in some alley (???) where Anthony screams at the turnstile jumper and Eddie in a sweet blue sweater (???) stands there looking awkward and fidgety. God someone save me there’s 24 minutes left in this thing

OH NICE NOW WE’RE EATING PIZZA. I still don’t understand why Eddie is acting like her little field trip with Anthony (which, this is at least their 3rd day together based on outfit count... why are we still here?) is all New Information? She’s not some naive rookie yo. She’s a fairly experienced and (previously) badass cop, she’s been around detectives before, she’s talked to/questioned witnesses before... I’m so not a fan of this deer in the headlights act.

Also, if this is supposed to be some Transitional Moment where Eddie decides she wants to be a detective, um... 1. What happened to the sergeants exam she took? 2. AGAIN she shouldn’t be acting this goofy and green. Remember season 6 when she seemed like she really wanted to pursue her gold shield? Pepperidge Farm remembers but apparently the Blue Bloods folks don’t.

DAY FOUR? God I hate this.

Cool @ Eddie for showing a ~different tactic~ from Anthony to get this dude to talk. I‘m legit happy to see her succeed but also ugh @ this whole damn thing.

PRECINCT WRAP-UP: Ugh @ Jamie, again. And his whole “Oh 🙄 okay 🙄 you’ll tell me 🙄 when 🙄 you’re 🙄 ready🙄”

I really do think a lot of these lines are meant to come off as cute or whatever or literally anything other than UGH. I mean, I’m already in a bad mood @ Jamko lately so maybe I’m just biased against every dumb thing Jamie does but like, he’s basically insufferable and I’m sad for Eddie having to spend the rest of her life tied to this loser.

“If I’m going to do this job...” 👀👀👀 So this WAS some kind of intro to the idea of Eddie as a detective. I need to think about this development for a while.

Family Dinner

Lol @ Eddie calling him Jameson

I’ve had half this cinnamon roll and I’m full and I don’t care about this at all. ✌️

In summary,

@ everything.

#sandy hates it all #blue bloods #jamko

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aurimeanswind · 8 years ago

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The ExtraLife 2017 Write Up

I’ve been in a pretty terrible mood all day.

It took me a while to realize why. To realize I didn’t want to talk to anyone. To realize I was being short with folks.

Part of it is definitely I feel quite sick. My throat hurts, my body aches, and I feel a bit awful across the board. Also my house is a mess and I need to deal with it. I’m also just endlessly tired still since I haven’t slept well since Friday night (but boy did I sleep real good on the most important night of the last week).

But it’s that depression. That post-event depression that I’ve definitely seen and experienced before. But not like this. Never this bad before.

I had the supreme honor of hosting ExtraLife 2017 for Irrational Passions in my very home, where all of my very best friends from across the internet actually flew from their respectives states, and in Ally Mushka’s case, respective country, to sit in my far-too-crowded home and to not only spend time with me, but to physically exhaust themselves for the sake of entertainment and charity. For some reason, when I asked, they answered. They showed up.

Part of this weekend was frustrating because of the twelve or so people that told me I should be proud of what I’ve built, or be proud in general, and to take a minute to look around and enjoy what you’ve built and brought together. I don’t mean frustrating insofar as I disagree, or even that I was already doing it, it just, never felt like that to me? It was never about that for me. Writing the review was never about the views, it wasn’t even totally about using it as a stepping stone to get to the next thing, it was about sharing something special. About having an emotion, or an experience, personified and delivered.

ExtraLife was never about bragging about what I made, it was about living life and sharing it with the people I cared about the most. And boy do I sound dumb, or pretentious, or on some high horse here, but those who know me, specifically those who attended ExtraLife I’m sure, know I’m being as sincere as I can muster when I say it.

Thank you. For the kind words of how proud I should be of this. I am. I’m humbled. I’m beyond honored, beyond thankful. But past all of that, I’m grateful. Grateful to be a part of all of your lives. Grateful that you’d even spend time on someone who genuinely spends most of his time alone, playing video games, and writing in his basement, like a living stereotype.

It’s difficult to put into words how low your self-esteem is sometimes, and it’s a bummer to hear and say at times but it’s also a part of me. But it’s very difficult for me to feel in any way special. Even in a weekend where I felt so eye-of-the-storm-y as this last one, it’s still hard for me. But I’m trying. Trying to appreciate what I helped make.

I love people. Above that, I love good people, and I always try and be the good guy at the end of the day. It’s silly, at times, and it makes me a goody-two shoes and a try hard way too much of the time, but it is, to some extent, sincere. Mostly. Sure I do it for the cookie points sometimes just like everyone else, but I mean it.

I, much like all of us, am a reflection of the incredible people I surround myself with and bring together. Bringing people together and seeing the friendships blossom and flourish is two parts for me: one part incredibly satisfying because you help share the love you have for that person with someone else, and another part selfishly depressing because you know that this new bond you helped engineer is different than the one you have already established, and you will never have that different bond, only the one you’ve already made, and you endlessly and selfishly crave all the types of friendship, and love, and closeness that you’ve seemingly auctioned off to everyone else, while still trying to balance what you already have and appreciate it, and not take it for granted, and be good, and follow that good path.

(Whoa nelly that’s a very deep look into the inner recesses of my mind and thought processes real quick.)

I want all of you to be proud too, because without you, there would be nothing built. There’d be no result. You all took a shot on me and tried to go along with something fun and cool, and because of you, there is now something special in the world. A new event that happened, that occurred, that you got to be a part of, and no matter what I did to bring it together, you got to make it happen. You got to view it. You got to take part in whatever small portion of it there was.

Now I’m a little pissed because Roger Pokorny went and did what I was going to do and made a nice thank you list of special messages to wonderful people so I hope he forgives me for doing the same, but I swear I had this idea since earlier today. It was private, and for us, but here is my rendition, for the world to see on my dumb blog.

Jazz.

Man, what did I tell you? You’d have a great time and make great friends and everyone would love you.

Nailed it.

Got ‘eeeeem.

Yup.

Finally everyone else gets to see why I fucking adore you so much. Why you’re maybe my favorite person in the world. I’m really fucking bad at making and having platonic female friendships, and yours is so damn important to me and to maintain, and I’m so thankful I have you. Moreover, I’m glad a little slice of the world gets to see why I am legitimately the luckiest human in the world to have you, for some wild reason, consider me your best friend. To know how lucky I’ve been to have you in my life these last three years.

Cheers, J.

Ally.

Like I said, platonic female relationships are a big problem with me, and especially when it’s with someone who is just endlessly driven and brilliant and intimidating. But you also take the time to listen to my silly opinions and hear me out. You even were cool with flying from Canada in a last-minute trip to stay at my house for a rawkus party. You must be crazy, and I’d almost think so, if you weren’t so damn brilliant.

A true professional and an asset to any living person’s life. Seeing your blossom a friendship with Jazz this weekend is maybe the greatest accomplishment of my entire career.

Joey.

Shoutout to the female friends.

Joey, you’re so joyous, and fun, and happy, and sweet, and caring, and funny, I can’t believe you wanted to come to this thing in the first place. You’re insane for fitting it into your schedule, but I’m so happy you did, because sharing the madness with you was a supreme honor. You just make me comfortable and happy and smile. I adore you, and your ability to drink, be merry, and make friends is a skill that inspires me and everything I do.

Please. Keep killing it.

Gen.

I’m glad I finally got to feel like I got to know you this weekend. You jokingly suggested you would cook for everyone when I had dinner with you and Greg back in June, and yet, instead of just living up to the line, you blew it out of the water. You acted as a real Most Valuable Player and fed a bunch of picky, mushroom-hating nerds like us. Not only that, but you kept things light and moving, and held a great and simple conversation with me in my kitchen at 10:30 in the evening, after standing on your feet all day, like a real fucking trooper.

You’re an inspiration, and getting to see a cook as incredible as you in my kitchen was an honor in itself.

Greg.

You know I’m a sap. You know you’re the reason I write about games today. You know becoming your friend has been maybe the biggest honor in my upcoming as a nobody games-writer.

And I know you’re probably sick of hearing it hahaha. But I fucking love you dude.

I hope you asked Andy Serkis that dumb question I told you to ask (but not really it’s super NSFW, or NSFAS (Not Safe for Andy Serkis).

Thinking about you flying from San Francisco to Maryland with your wife just to hangout in my house and play games with a no-name like me is crazy. You’re crazy dude. And I love it.

Also, your unending energy and enthusiasm for everything kept me going so hard. Just having you was such an inspiration I simply had to step up my hosting game. You kept me strong and charging forward, like always.

Portillo.

Why’d you scare my cat dude?

Troll.

You’re a one man production team and you should be unendingly proud of yourself. I put you through all the hell I could this weekend, and instead of wincing and screaming, you took a deep breath and did incredible problem solving and barely broke a sweat.

Well, actually we sweat a lot because it was very warm in my house from all the bodies.

But I am so unendingly thankful for your production talent. You killed it.

John.

You’re so funny. I’m so glad I got to see you bond with all these new kids and make so many friends. People love you and your charm and your ease of putting a non-sequitur into literally every sentence that leaves your mouth. You did incredible.

Tony.

I give you a lot of shit, and some of it rightfully so, but you know I fucking love you. You know you took up the torch and fucking owned it when Troll had to get some sleep this weekend. You know you are a rock under pressure and did great, and made the bits work, and helped us all have fun.

Scott.

Fuck dude. Seeing you grow and change from Episode 1 to Episode 353 has been incredible. You’re the funniest person on Irrational Passions Podcast and no one even knows it. This was your weekend to shine, and I fucking love you man. You killed it.

Nabeshin.

No words of thank you will be enough to accurately surmise how much you were my rock this weekend. You held me up and anytime you saw me cracking you stepped in and took a little load off. You’re literally incredible, and a walking superhero, and you know it, and you’ll never talk about it as much as I never will talk anything positive about myself. I love you man.

Andrew.

My Colombian meatball. I adore you and your quietness, and I fucking hate you too because you’re so funny and have so many incredible things to say but are too content sitting quietly in the corner and having a good time. But you’re so great. Thank you for coming, for making it happen, and for being cool with us playing Africa for you 1000 times (AKA the best song ever).

Jarrett & Jacob

My double-entenjays. My sweet boys. My grown ass adults. The two of you together are like an actual, ltieral dream team of hilarity and fun. The two of you are two parts real, and two parts incredible laughter, just rolled up into the most fun duo a party could ever ask for. I love you two, but moreover, I love that the two of you keep hanging out with me, for some fucking reason, because you’re two of the best and tallest, and most beautiful dudes in the world, inside and out.

Fuck.

How did I get so lucky to have the two of you come on to Irrational Passions?

Logan & Jurge

Once again:

Fuck.

How did I get so lucky to have the two of you come on to Irrational Passions?

Jurge is a walking stressball of incredible talent, and took more off my shoulders this weekend than almost anyone else just with his sheer willingness to do social media stuff. Logan taking the chair and helping keep the party alive, and most of all, the positivity alive always was incredible. The two of you are so much more talented than me, and I know the minute the two of you actually realize it, you’ll be off to the races.

It seems counterintuitive to my master plan of world domination, but I’m endlessly excited for that day to come.

Justin.

I know I didn’t get to spend as much time with you this weekend as I have at previous ExtraLifes, and I’m sorry. I did a bad job in that regard. I wanna do better. But I’m glad you got to be a part of the the incredible group of people I’ve built around me as a protection against my dumb inner thoughts that hate myself. You’re positive, and love shit I don’t love, and we got to talk about The Evil Within 2, and I’m sorry I don’t like it as much as you, but I swear I like it.

Cameron.

You’re like a walking parody of the esoteric bullshit I have pouring out of me at all times in every facet. You appreciate everything so much that you make ME feel bad that I’m not appreciating everything as much as I could, and this post is up to 2247 words!

That’s fucking skill.

I love you dude, and you’re a loving guy who gets way to angry about superhero movies. What if they all suck? Man, that’d be a bummer if that were true.

Tell shorter stories, and keep hugging people. You’re so good at both, you’re making us all look bad.

Trevor.

We call you the dad a lot but you’re just out here caring about all of us so much, that’s all. There is a generosity and inquisitiveness in you that is pretty much unparalleled by most of us plebeians. We’re just trying and failing to show you up.

You went with every bit and had a good time this week, and finally shaved your damn head. It was great. I miss your locks.

You’re a great human with an even greater heart, and even though you go hard in on everyone (and boy do you look like you do too now) you’re just trying to cover up what a loving sap you are. I know it. You know it. Let’s just never talk about it ;)

Roger.

Hey fuck you Roger. Not for any particular reason, just because you apologize too much. And call me a racist too much. I fucking love you so much. I’ve never really known what it’s like to have a little brother, but you’re a surreal balance of mentor, friend, brother, and lit-420-69-bro.

You do need to choose your words better sometimes, because I think you use lit too much. Oh, and you apologize too much. Like me. I’ll never give you too hard a time on it though because I’m the same way.

In fact, I’m sorry you think I’m actually being mean to you sometimes when I’m just trying to get a good joke in. Around you, it’s really hard, because being funny when you’re in the room is almost impossible. You’re too good. Too funny. Too talented.

Keep it up. Just don’t keep talking to losers like me for too long, I’ll only bring you down.

And goddamn I will bring you down with me if ever I fucking can you talented motherfucker.

And last but not least.

Alex.

Yeah, you.

And I know this is going to be weird for everyone else to see you write some weird positive-encouragement shit to yourself, but it’s also definitely been weird for everyone to have all this sappy shit you’ve been writing about them posted so that like, everyone else can see, and all the other people who attended ExtraLife can see, and— well... Anyway.

You killed it. You know you did. It was lit. Remember that part when Danny O’Dwyer showed up and you didn’t have a panic attack? It was rad. He said you did a good job. The Irish never lie dude.

Oh and when you did an impromptu interview with him and Greg Miller in your kitchen after and during ExtraLife respectively? Yeah that was fucking cool too. And you know it was cool because everyone suddenly just showed up and got quiet and just watched you. And you had like an ego-boner the whole time but you’ll never tell. <_<

I know you feel bad because you gave Jazz a bad promo at the end, didn’t thank Troll AT ALL for producing, and didn’t thank your cohosts at all, like some fucking asshole. But like, in your defense, you were legit very tired.

You hosted your ass off. You Jeff Gerstmann’d, Greg Miller’d, Danny O’Dwyer’d, and most of all, Ryan Davis’d your fucking ass off.

Pat on the back. It was lit.

___

That’s all I got.

I fucking love you all. I miss you all. I’m so so so so lucky to have you all. Thank you for giving me the time of day. Don’t you dare ever let me take any of you for granted. You’re incredible, and all only deserve the best.

GG y’all.

Keep it real.

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Last Week They Took An L, But This Week They Bounced Back Kinda

Welcome, welcome, welcome. After last weeks very entertaining trainwreck, I gotta say I was pretty fucking pumped to revisit the AYTO cast. Nothing makes these recaps easier to write than failure of other people. Lucky for me, this cast not only fails but also does some straight-up stupid shit in the process. I mean, between Tyler and Carolina these recaps practically write themselves.

Anyways, Im drinking cheap wine and my laptop is charged. Lets begin now.

AFTER BLACKING OUT AND LOSING A SHIT TON OF MONEY

Carolina has produced enough tears to give the town of Flint some clean water. Shes literally moving from one location to the other just fucking sobbing. Joeys pretty upset toonow hes a loveless trashman. Sad!

They are both like kneeling on the floor, praying to sweet baby Jesus that they can overcome this horrible hardship of losing your love of two weeks. Joeys low-key kneeling down to pick up some trash off the ground because you cannot take the man away from his livelihood, goddammit.

Kathryn/Rushboobs is like ARE WE DONE?? to Ozzy and its like, uh, is this a trick question? Oh duh, I forgot shes an education major from FSU. Someone needs to basically fucking spell out how this game works for her.

Ozzy tries to let her down easy and she storms off because how dare he try and focus on the whole object of the game!?

Kam, the girl with the grey/purple hair as my mom calls her (like, mom its a three fucking letter name), is like “OKAY EVERYONE STOP FUCKING CRYING.” I am Kam, Kam is me.

Rushboobs cant help that she has a lot of feelings and the fucking mentality of a 14-year-old.

Tee is like “I WANT A BOYFRIEND WITH A BRAIN.” And when you want an intellectual boyfriend the first place you should go is an MTV reality show. *cough, cough BULLSHIT cough*

Shes into Oswaldo, who is low-key hot but also looks like Austin Ames friend from (the one in the middle). YEAH, I KNOW, IM FUCKING RIGHT.

He is talking about how he wants to be a businessman and watches Animal Planet because knowledge is power. Yeah, I bet watching episodes of is really going to put you ahead in your fuckin career.

Honestly, I cannot hear him saying anything besides diner girl.

THE CHALLENGE

Can I just saylots of slow motion running this season. We get it. You use special effects.

The game involves the casts social media and they have to answer questions based off their profiles. Apparently they all are fucking crazy online too, further solidifying the fact that they will never get jobs in the real world.

Except Joey. Trash collecting doesnt have a lot of requirements to it.

They all are asked the same questions and need to find the answer for their partner in a maze like web that Ryan so cleverly calls the inter-net.

Whenever Ryan says something fucking cheesy that cast cracks up like its the best shit theyve ever heard. I imagine producers are standing behind them with like guns pointed to their backsfucking laugh at Ryans pun or Ill murder your family. Carolina, shed a tear if you need help.

Thats not really a thing, you fucking idiots.

It goes like this:

Question: Biggest turnoff in a guy?

JOEY: I know KARI likes a guy who listens, because I listen. ALSO JOEY: I know KARI likes a guy who eats food because I eat food.

Joey, be a doll and never speak again. Thanks!

Question: If I won the lotto what would I buy?

NORMAL PEOPLE: A plane ticket anywhere in the world! NORMAL PEOPLE: I would donate to charity! NORMAL PEOPLE: I would pay loans! HAYDEN: ME BUY LARGE TRUCK.

Question: Whats a gross habit you have?

OZZY: Im just here to fuck Carolina, so Im picking the first thing I see *picks wipes boogers on the wall* CAROLINA: Omg he knows me so well!!!

Note to self, never, ever go to Carolinas booger house.

Hayden and Rushboobs get in first, Joey and KARI get second. To make it even more awkward, Ozzy and Carolina get third. Oh, I love this.

Ryan tells them they are all going hiking with monkeys and Ozzy has to act excited, like he doesnt do that every other day.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Michael is like I WAS AN EMT BUT I QUIT BECAUSE OLD PEOPLE, AM I RIGHT? Thats like being like I WAS A VET, BUT ANIMALS, RIGHT? Michael, further implicating himself as unemployable.

Gianna is like, still having a lady boner over Michael and Hayden has developed a city on Friendzone Island where he is now the mayor. Shes like, laying all over him and totally loving the fact that hes more whipped than a girl in BDSM porn.

Carolina is in love with Ozzy faster than President Trump can delete the LGBT Rights page from his website. Quite suddenly, hes the hottest guy in the house and she liked him the whole time she was with Joey. Hmm, sounds like alternative facts.

Shes like “MY PARENTS WOULD LOVE YOU” hes like “mmmm okay, Booger rubber.”

Also, when talking to the camera separately, Carolina seems like the most boring person literally ever. Was she on a sedative? Why do I feel like they put her on this show like, mid-wisdom teeth removal?

Rushboobs is pounding wine, honestly same, while Ozzy and Carolina start making out.

Tyler, this seasons resident fuckboy, is like Shannon is fun and flirty! Which is the way of saying easy! Shannon, you seem nice, but when you speak I want to throw myself in front of a fucking train. Her voice truly sounds like everything annoying in the world just took a massive shit in her vocal chords. Did she do the voice over for Bubbles in ?

Taylor is like “dafuq is this?” And straight-up calls Tyler out. Shes like you didnt even get to know me very calmly and Tyler is like WOAH.

TYLER: YOU ARENT MY GIRLFRIEND TAYLOR: I know, I just wanted to get to know you because you seem cool TYLER: WOW, WHAT A CRAZY BITCH

Rushboobs is talking to Ozzy about how she still cares about him and shell never forget the 14 days they had together on a reality show, where everything is pretty much superficial.

Carolina comes in hot and is like “RUSHBOOBS DOESNT KNOW IF IM GOOD FOR OZZY OR NOT! not even understanding that they arent talking about her.

Joey comes in to defend Rushboobs and mostly just shit talk Carolina. Joey starts yelling at Carolina about how she juggles guys and shes crazy and all this other bullshit. Joey, pull your tampon out and quit being a little baby about this. Move the fuck on. Youre a single trashmanyour life can only go up from here!

Joeys like “WHY DONT YOU TAKE A FIRST CLASS FLIGHT HOME WITH OZZY!!!!” And its like, ooooohhh good one, bro, and Ozzys like uh, Im from here. Ozzys mom will be picking him up after the show, thanks for the concern though.

Shannon is talking to Tyler and I swear I have heard more interesting shit come out of a Baby Born doll. Why do you sound like you survive on a diet of rainbows and helium? Whatever, they annoy me. Moving on.

THE DATE WITH ALL THE LITTLE BIRDIES AND THE MONKEYS

They go to play with the monkeys and Carolina is like we took food out and the animals attacked us. Wow, groundbreaking.

She and Ozzy start making out and its like, could you just chill for a second? There are fucking animals eating corn off your head.

Joey starts complaining to KARI about Carolina and shes like I think you still like her. KARIs in med school man, dont fuck with her. Also, she can literally see into your mind with those big-ass eyes of hers.

Hes like “I SWEAR ON MY LIFE IM OVER IT! I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER LOVED THAT I AM SO OVER THAT HORRIBLE, HATEFUL, CRAZY BITCH CAROLINA.” The trashman doth protest too much.

KARI leaves because she doesnt need this bullshit. She can fucking read minds and save people. Time to move the fuck on.

Am I watching ? Because I swore I just heard Joey say can I steal her for a minute? Joey, do not fucking try to hybrid my reality shows rn!

He pulls Carolina aside and is like KARI WONT TALK TO ME BECAUSE OF YOU!!! Uh, wait what? Carolina starts yelling and this is just a goddam mess. Honestly, the sexual tensionyou could cut it with a knife.

Ozzy goes to save Carolina before she starts rubbing boogers all over Joeys face.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Carolina and Ozzy are in the Truth Booth, thank god. Put me out of my fucking misery.

But wait, Ryan offers a deal where they dont send Ozzy and Carolina and they take $150,000 bucks instead. But if they take the money, they can never send those two in the truth booth again. Damn Ryan, back at it again with the shitty trades.

The house is divided with Kam being like CAROLINA IS CRAZY TAKE THE MONEY and everyone else being like hmmm idk.

Ryan asks Derrick, who is like the unofficial spokesperson of the house, what their plan is and they decide to not take the truth booth trade. Damn, Ive heard stupider shit come out of Kellyanne Conways mouth.

And lookie here, NO MATCH.

Moral of the story: Listen to Kam. Listen to me. Never make a decision on your own. Bye!

Carolina is crying again. Someone put a Brita filter under this bitch.

Rushboobs is like wow this is so sad *smiles* *dances* *throws flowers around the room* *throws party*

Joey and Rushboobs bond over alcohol and their hatred of Carolina and start flirting. This is how it goes, I shit you not:

RUSHBOOBS: Stop! JOEY: No, you stop *leans in closer* RUSHBOOBS: No, you stop *leans in closer* ME: NO SERIOUSLY, FUCKIN STOP.

Ive seen better flirting skills from a fucking third grader. Where did you learn to communicate with the opposite sex, Rushboobsyour students? Joey, I dont even want to know how your livelihood has affected your lovelife.

Tee is like “I CANNOT WAIT TO FUCK OSWALDO,” and its like, wow okay. Shoutout to her parents. But also, do you girl #womensmarch

KARI and Tyler start talking. Tylers playing the role of the victim like I cant help that every girl wants to bone me! wow, life must be so hard for you. How do you even get up in the morning?

Tyler is hot though, dammit. Always the pretty ones. KARI ends up straddling him and they go to bed together. Well. Okay then.

Meanwhile, Kam and Eddie are hanging out and giving me couple goals. If they arent a match Im fucking throwing hands.

MTV: Kam and Eddie, you are not a couple ME: CASH ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOW DAH

THE MATCHUP CEREMONY

The girls pick tonight so hopefully it wont be too much of a shit show.

Rushboobs picks Joey, a trashy match made in heaven.

Tee picks Osvaldo, the knowledgeable son of a bitch. I imagine he is just whispering animal facts into her ear all night.

Hannah picks Derrick/Kellyanne.

Casandra and Jaylen. Yawn.

Kam and Eddie, because duh.

Shannon picks Tyler. Yuck. Ryans like Tyler, hows it going? And Tylers like “I GOT TO KNOW KARI INTIMATELY!” Okay. Not the question but whatever. So classy. Goddam, I want to kiss your face but also hit it with shovel???

Hes like I was sauced and tries to act like it was a drunken thing. Very cool of him. And STOP USING THE TERM SAUCED. Like I literally just picture you rolling around in marinara.

KARIs like fuck it, yeah I gave him a handjob. Wow, okay MTV youre really doin the damn thing. Honestly, who hasnt given a regretful handjob?

Taylor is crying because shes like wait you never even spoke to me! Everyone, including me, feels bad for Taylor because like, Tylers fucking gross.

Tyler: The funny thing about a conversation is give me a handjob.

Tylers like I guess Im the bad guy and its like, hmmm, what gave it away? I shall play you the worlds smallest violin. Can you hear it?

Carolina picks Hayden and Giannas like “WTF NO.”

Gianna picks Ozzy and Ozzy literally looks like he wants to kill himself. Relatable.

Alicia picks Mike. Cool story.

Taylor comes up and crying and Ryans like how do you feel? Uh how do you think she fucking feels? Is the crying not a clue? Shes like I feel disrespected but honestly, when am I ever not. This is like a speech from a movie.

TAYLOR TO TYLER: But waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing. (name the movie)

Taylor picks Michael as her perfect match.

Andre is like “Taylor is hot and sad. I make happy. We bone. Yay!”

Im endorsing that couple RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

Andre and KARI are left.

They are all like we cannot get another blackout! and Im like just fuck me up, fam. Give me another blackout, make my goddam day.

But alas, they get 4 BEAMS. Not bad for a bunch of pretty degenerates.

Cant wait to see what fuckery next week holds!

Read more: http://ift.tt/2keySPB

from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Last Week They Took An L, But This Week They Bounced Back Kinda

#‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Last Week They Took An L #But This Week They Bounced Back Kinda

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lopez-richter-fangirl · 3 years ago

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Hiiii long sappy post ahead but read for info about the upcoming release of my college fic in bold!!

I’m just over halfway through final edits and the final word count is hovering at around *drum roll* 127k words 😳 If you've been following, I know what you're thinking, yes that is more words than the first draft, I promise I did cut some stuff, this is what we're working with 🤪

So now I'm like... pretty much ready for it to be out in the world? And I hope everyone loves it as much as I do because it really has become very dear to me 🥹 Structure-wise it's appalling, clearly there's still so much that needs to be cut but I'm too attached to it. But emotionally, I think it hits all the right places, there are points it makes me want to cry, there are points it was pure torture to write and yet this doesn't even cover as many years as the real life pre-relationship, there are scenes where I really think the writing is beautiful if I do say so myself. It strayed a little further from real life than I think I originally thought it might but there are still a lot of moments that feel very real to me, or at least to what I imagine they could have been. And this particular characterisation of them? They're my babies. And I had to keep reminding myself while writing it that at this point they WERE babies (18 and 21??????) 😭

I’m very excited to post the first chapter tomorrow (for a reason that will be revealed) and then twice weekly after that on Wednesdays and Saturdays 🗓 Mostly because I don't know if or when I'll write another fic so I'm not ready for this one to be over too quickly 🥺 (Side note: definitely not ruling another fic out! I truly love writing these two so much and if inspiration strikes me again I'm sure I would go for it, but this was the last solid idea I had for a whole fic and I think that's part of why I've taken so much care over it and made it so fucking long trying to include every possible idea I had, because if I am going out on this I want to be going out on a high, which I think this is. I'm gonna try and shift focus to working on some original stuff and we'll just see what happens on the fic front. Anyway!) But when I was calculating dates I realised a twice weekly schedule also means it'll be starting in September and ending in May, which feels like a fitting span for this story, even though it takes place over several years 💙💛

It's going to be a longgg journey, but I hope you'll join me for it, if you want. I've been thinking it might be fun to post the wattpad links to each chapter on here along with a little mini commentary of any thoughts I have about it, any BTS on the process, songs that particularly fit?? I know that’s what author’s notes are for but I feel more connected to my tumblr audience than to wattpad, you know? I don't know, let me know ✏️ But I'm grateful for anyone that wants to read it and any and all feedback. It's rare for me to love my writing as much as I do with this fic but I think it's because of how grounded in reality it is, they definitely feel the most true to the way I see Joey and Lauren that I've ever written them. And I'm really excited to share it with you 🥰

Shoutout to Gabi who's read all but the epilogue and tells me it's good so I know at least one person likes it before I publish it, and is also all round the best and most supportive friend ❤️

And I have to say a huge thank you to anyone who's ever read one of my fics. It started off as a single oneshot after AVPW and I now have like 175k total reads across all my works 🤯 I know that's probably the same 5 people rereading them thousands of times but that's still an absolutely mind blowing number for me. I might not have rediscovered my love of writing if it weren't for all of you. Thank you 💗

And finally here's a cover reveal for Right Place, Wrong Time ‼️ (very basic lmao but some fun/painful fitting details)

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steve0discusses · 6 years ago

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Yugioh S3 Ep5: Happy Valentines Season the Writing Team Remembered YugixTea Exists

Alrighty, I’m mostly back together from nearly a week of the plague and now my buffer is basically demolished. Man. Youknow, every time I make a buffer this happens. Maybe I was just asking to get sick? That every time I finish a healthyish buffer my immune system just tanks in response?

Anyway, that’s fine because it’s been like a week now that I’ve been sort of wanting to talk about the massive amount of birds in this episode. Yeah, birds. I mean there’s no reason for me to try and hide the spoilers, I’m assuming 99% of y’all have seen this show. There were a LOT of birds.

Last we left off, Yugi decided to run headfirst into a trap door.

And then on the other side he was somehow amazed this was a trap?

Because there wasn’t either a mace or an ax handy to go through the wall like Tristan And Duke, instead Yugi has to end up in a Photoshop Filter.

Shoutouts to the overlay aurora borealis on top of this whole mess. This whole aesthetic here is just so nostalgic and I didn't even watch this show as a kid.

Man the 00′s were a great time. Speaking of great time.

We’ve had like 0 Joey for like 4 episodes and it’s been kind of incredible since this show leans pretty heavily on Joey. Like I have barely touched that mustard color in Photoshop, instead it’s been a lot of Tea, and I’ll be honest, about time. I have been saying for like 3 seasons now that this girl never has anything to do but be a ghost bus and a sort-of-not-really-gf to I guess Mokuba and sometimes Yugi but now she’s...still not doing a whole lot. I’ll be honest her new big thing is mostly running away from things, but at least now she now does Olympian feats while still doing nothing.

But all that’s gotta change because, much like Joey in S1, Tea’s gonna throw some cards with only like 2 games under her belt.

So like, I was experiencing Witcher 1 the other day, and I don’t recommend it since Witcher 1 is not nearly as good as it’s sequels, but there’s this hilarious line where Witcher is gonna learn a dice minigame, and he asks his friend “how can I become a dice expert?” and his friend goes “Well that takes experience! Play 4 games.” and it’s like lol what? 4? That was all it need for ANYONE to be an expert, huh?

This is like that. Yugioh is a weird universe where Yugi is King of Games but he’s only been in one tourney and he’s only played this game professionally in a professional no-one-is-setting-anyone-on-fire setting like maybe 4 times.

Like everyone plays this game but the bar for entry is surprisingly low? All Yugi had to do was beat one guy by playing him once, really--just beat Pegasus and boom, King of Games. No wonder Seto was so freakin pissed.

Anyways, so the fact that Tea hasn’t really played is just like everyone else on this show.

(read more)

Anyways, after she ran 4 miles and climbed a bridge and all that, she decides, youknow what? Right here in this barren orc-filled desert is probably a safe place for a dream sequence.

And she dreams of the very last person I expected her to dream about.

So...I have questions about this dream sequence, ones that I will touch on later, but clearly Tea is getting some inception quality prophetic card knowledge from Yugi through a dream...however...Yugi isn’t actually doing anything right now. Right now Yugi is running through Tron so like...how is this happening?

Like is this just Tea actually knowing how cards work under layers and layer of subconscious? Because under layers and layers of Tea’s subconscious is actually SlightlyMoreOrLessEvil!Marik, who, as we discovered through last season’s plot twist is actually very, very bad at cards. Bakura might be still under there too, but he’s sort of everywhere just minding his own business so I doubt he’d bother coming out for Tea. Bakura’s still canonically dead/hanging out in Yugi’s Brain Labyrinth Game Room playing Gameboy Advance until Season 5.

I mean, it would be neat if Yugi actually could do this but like...he’s not actually here or at all aware that this is happening. Yes he has Ishizu’s necklace right now but will not use it this episode. This is just happening for no reason.

Which leads right into the second thing which is our most vague couple is finally going to get it’s own episode since like the beginning of season 2 and it’s literally all a dream.

Flashbacks to Yugi and Tea actually hanging out and talking one on one were all we really needed to stop calling this ship vague but eh this BARELY counts as it’s all one sided. This is just Tea doing all of this relationship herself. Which is pretty true to form as Yugi is a mess and can barely do relationships with himself at this point, let alone add a girl into the mix.

I feel like at this point a Broadway play about one single Yugioh card is waaaaaaay more likely than YugixTea ever like ever getting together (cuz like FOR REALS most Broadway is bad. Like legit not great). In fact, this make believe date they went on together is so far from reality--as it is not only a dream, but a dream in VR, and that even in the dream itself Yugi reminds her “PS, WE NEVER WENT ON THIS DATE, PS” and Tea’s like “that seemed open ended” and Yugi was like “NOPE.”

So this play is so terrible that it asks for audience participation and it turned her into a cosplayer.

So little aside, when I got my Netflix account the first thing I rented was Ironman, and then the second thing I rented, mostly out of morbid curiosity, was Cats.

Regrets. I like watching some pretty bad movies and plays but Cats is sort of like...if everyone dressed like personified leg warmers and made us pretend the leg warmers turned them into cats for some reason, and that the legwarmers were all in a polyamorous relationship with everyone else and got way too horny when they danced. And then they all died at the end/went to space/got reincarnated. But, I guess we have to give Cats some credit for basically launching furry technology forward like 50 years.

I am SUPER looking forward to the Cats movie. Probably will skip it in theaters but Netflix? Yes, please!

Anyway, Pharaoh was also here chaperoning these two like he always does although Tea has no idea what he looks like.

I just realized that, so far, every date we’ve seen with YugixTea, Yugi wasn’t even there. Like how does he keep managing to do this? The kid is managing this relationship like a champ being the supportive boyfriend or whatever and he’s not even there. Like damn.

A penguin.

so many penguins

Anyways, the animation team drew I want to say like 600 penguins for this episode. I just want to acknowledge their sacrifice for our behalf, so we could have this filler episode and watch an actual relationship blossom between Yugi and Tea but only in a dream sequence.

Because I notice art stuff like this, they did copy paste these penguins in a clever way so it wasn’t drawing 60000 penguins, but damn that’s still a lot of penguins.

My bro, the namesake of this blog, freakin loves penguins. So this entire episode he kept looking over at me and being like “right?! RIGHT!?” and it was like “wow, Bro they really made this show just for you huh?” and he was like “RIGHT?!?!”

So the thing about Crump is that he likes collecting numbers about people, which the show makes out to be strange but I have a bunch of accountant friends, and I once had one tell me that God was an accountant, and then he gave me some complicated explanation that I absolutely muted out of my memory. I once had a friend who had a fascinating spreadsheet on everywhere she lived and the friends she had, just to see if she could accurately display the percentage chance of who was dating, who was getting married, and the exact percentage of which of those broke up and the length of all of their relationships. And she was an art major.

I never saw those spreadsheets of love numbers, I only know they exist, and I have no idea where I stood on them. Sometimes I think about it. Is she still tracking me? I sure hope so.

Dude that one penguin on the right just

This show throws out the number 219 pieces of pizza like that was a bad thing?

I guarantee you, that eating 14 slices of pizza a year is a depressingly low statistic (assuming you don’t eat pizza when you’re 1 yo) That is only about 1.5 large pizzas a YEAR. That is nothing.

Course bear in mind I’m a Californian and I eat like...about 2-3 slices every time fast food pizza is offered me. And if I’m alone, well dammit I’ll eat.......more than that, we’ll just say. In fact, I just Marie Kondo’d my closet and found my college cookbook which was mostly me trying to replicate the CPK Thai chicken pizza as well as the CPK Pear Gorgonzola pizza (and may the CPK Pear Gorgonzola Pizza Rest in Peace, you perfect pizza. I have not returned to CPK once it left the menu. Bro hates this pizza but he is wrong.)

Like it sounds way nasty but I’m Californian so we don’t believe in food purity here. Put whatever the hell you freakin want on your dumb ass pizza. No food is sacred, no food will be left untouched, we’re all human beings, and everything you like is all going to be turned into pizza and tacos anyway. That is the way.

I’m pretty sure that I’ve only had 219 pieces of just Pear Gorgonzola Pizza (since it was a pricier pizza). Maybe Crump was just referring to the one type of zah?

Anyway, I got very distracted by pizza just now.

Tea heard Crumps offer to duel her in exchange for her body and she was like “I don’t really actually want to do that.” and just bounced.

I mean at least she tried to bounce. As it is, I’m glad Tea is like the only one here who at least has figured out that Cards are Dangerous.

And then an iceberg formed under her feet.

Meanwhile, Yugi has been sent to this room with four doors. Each door has a number of stars between one and four. Please remember he has Ishizu’s future necklace somewhere on his person and it could probably help him out but nah.

and then out of no where Yugi pulls this out of his pocket.

Another place where, because they localized the show to a ton of different countries, they decided to make a fake currency so people wouldn’t be thrown off by a Japanese coin and it only made the lore more confusing. He could have just used a Yen and I’m pretty sure us American kids would have been fine but localization problems amiright?

But yeah, there’s just this super random Millennium Penny that Yugi just has. To have. The redheaded stepchild 8th Millennium item no one remembers. Just like how no one remembers Bakura.

Now that I think of it, he did pull some pennies out of his pocket back in S1 with the labyrinth riddle. So maybe that’s just a skill the millennium puzzle can do--making weird ass pennies?

This is my brother’s aesthetic, this right here. This Big Penguin in a 3 piece suit and it’s got some anime for some reason strapped in the most goofy way on it stubby little wing.

This is Steve-o’s Mood down to a T.

Anyways, funnily enough, Tea and Yugi do actually get to communicate with each other this episode, but she isn’t aware that she’s doing it, much like how he wasn’t aware that he was in a dream she just had.

And so, Yugi feels newly inspired and very desperate and just throws himself directly at the door.

Yugi never did this back when Tea was abducted last season. Which...was yesterday. All that happened literally yesterday in the timeline of this show. Literally yesterday in the timeline of the show Seto Kaiba had to save Tea because Yugi got himself tied to an anchor and was too busy trying to kill himself to save Joey Wheeler (which didn’t even work and Serenity had to save Joey Wheeler instead it was a whole very confusing thing.) Like Yugi has got to stop needlessly sacrificing himself it only works a fraction of the time.

Anyway, Crump (Crumb? I don’t remember his name anymore) gives us a little backstory on why he chose to be a bird. We never got a backstory with like...Gansley. I think Yugi didn’t really waaaant to know why he was a sexy fish. And Gansley honestly didn’t want to tell him. And personally, I’m OK with not knowing.

What is it with TV shows and saying that every freakin weird tick their characters have is down to childhood trauma? Usually from parents? Like it’s such a tired trope nowadays. And honestly, from a psychological standpoint, TV shows constantly blaming parents for any character being an asshole is sort of unfair because sometimes you just have a kid who’s an asshole and it’s no one’s fault (except for the kid himself). But mostly, Yugioh tends to get creative with their backstories and this one is just “I dunno, I was lonely” which is a whole lot like the Mai backstory, but she didn’t turn into an evil bastard who wants to be a penguin, did she?

Hell, she got engaged.

Anyways, Seto’s S1 outfit makes a rare appearance. I miss that green jumpsuit with the pop collar. We got it twice this season. Heh, and bro told me this arc was bad.

And so because Crump was just straight up real bad at business and didn’t know how to find more angel investors, he’s just gonna do a murder.

Can we talk a little bit about this? So Gozoboro Kaiba was an asshole who made a ton of weapons--and that whole time, Crump was working with him so that one day he could go up to Kaiba Sr and be like “lets put that nuclear deal on hold--what if instead we just sold...penguins?”

Like that was Crump’s whole life plan. He blames Seto for it not working out but this guy worked for a supervillain for I’m assuming was like 30 years to build this theme park that I’m pretty sure would have never been made anyway?

And then Seto turned right around and made a theme park with a bunch of dragons in it?

Like why didn’t Crump just go to a freakin Zoo and be like “Lets make a penguin only zoo?” Like why didn’t he start with people who actually worked with animals?

Why did Crump go straight to working with the evil guns n stuff company to build a children’s theme park?

Anyway, he’s a penguin now, so it’s not like Crump is really all there and altogether. Like I’m assuming that maybe Kaiba Sr got a penguin theme park commission in his inbox once a month and just threw it in the trash being all “there goes that Crump again” and just ignored it or something. Like every Halloween work party Crump would have been a penguin, right? Like EVERY Halloween for 30 years? And like when Kaiba Sr got his boys did Crump come up to him and give him a Penguin lecture about how to be a perfect parent? Like how much of a nightmare was Crump to work with and how many times did the Kaibas try to kill him before Seto finally did is what I’m asking.

Also, still taking Dayquil, thanks for asking, I apparently still have some rants.

But that’s all for now.

PS I’ll have you know I almost made the title of this episode “fowl play” and decided that was too much of a low hanging pun. But I’m still like...I’m still feeling like putting it up there. That be the mix of meds and congestion.

#yugioh #recap #photo recap #yugioh recap #S3 ep5 #tea gardner #yugi muto #SO MANY PENGUINS #penguins #seto kaiba #kaiba #noah #Yo Tea Gardner just got abducted by birds #flightless birds

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins

Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.

ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.

Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.

This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.

Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.

RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!

We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!

Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.

Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.

Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.

Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.

REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:

THE FIRST DATE RULES

Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.

This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.

For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.

My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)

Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.

Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.

Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)

Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.

BACK TO THE HOUSE

The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.

Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.

Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*

Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.

Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.

Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.

Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.

Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.

MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.

Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.

Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.

GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!

They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.

Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.

Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.

Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.

Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.

Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.

MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.

Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.

Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.

Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic

Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.

Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.

THE DATE

Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.

Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.

GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!

Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.

Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.

Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.

Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.

MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.

Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.

The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.

*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*

They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.

And lookie here: No match. So thats done.

Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.

Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.

We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.

Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.

MATCH CEREMONY

This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.

First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.

Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.

Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.

Casandra picks Kaylen.

Caroline picks Joey.

Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.

Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.

Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.

Hannah picks Michael.

Alicia picks Andre.

Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.

Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.

Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.

Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.

So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.

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