#and even the inevitable pain and suffering is only the refining process

[eddis-not-eeddis]

I am the most hopeful of pessimists

[twelvedy7]

Twisted - One shot

warning: sensitive topics (drugs). 

I just wanted to write something a bit different. It might be a bit OCC but I thought it might be a great fit for the manga universe.   This story won’t be published anywhere else than tumblr so feel free to save the story if you like it.

Oh and also english isn’t really my native language so sorry if there are incoherences. 

Takano had no sense of self-control. From a very young age he has been a witness of the sheer harshness of his mother and the complete indifference of his father towards their family. Despite how much he tried to convince himself of his difference he inherited from most of their flaws, which filled him with anger every time he thought about it. 

No wonder that whenever he met someone bright, kind, generous and appreciated he became more aware of his whole dark gloomy personality. That was the case with Ritsu he was still viewing today as the 16 year-old teen he used to be a decade ago.

No wonder that when he met this bright, kind and generous highschool kid he had become more aware of his dark gloomy personality. He was still viewing Ritsu as the 16 year-old teen he used to be a decade ago and yet he couldn’t understand for the life of him the reason why such a lovable person would waste their time with him rather than finding another likeable person that would be such a better companion than him.

If all the open rejections from the brunette could make him believe he hated him, he was at least smart enough to read between the lines and see what the other tried so hard to conceal under feigned anger and flustered reactions. 

What seemed to be like a bitter-sweet genuine love story from two ignorant teenagers who lost each other from a foolish misunderstanding was driving him straight into madness. Ritsu was constantly on his mind, invading his thoughts at any time of the day, reminding him of the terrible person he was and how he will never be nowhere near enough for him. Even in the poorly credible reality where the younger one would actually build up the courage to admit his feelings, he knew that their relationship was sealed to failure. 

One day Ritsu would mature and realise how incompatible they were and how idealistic they’ve been this whole time before leaving him to find another person that could offer him the support and love he needed. Maybe one day Ritsu would find the man of his dreams, different from senpai in every way, to finally live the blissful life he aspired to. That’s what broke his heart the most: they were not made for each other. No matter how hard he tried, it will never be enough because they were simply not meant to. 

He imagined Ritsu’s soulmate to be fun, social, caring, communicative and considerate which would make him forget all the turmoil he went through for all this time. His parents might be so enchanted by their personality that the fact they weren’t An-Chan wouldn’t even bother them.

The truth is he was physically and emotionally drained. He couldn’t feel a thing if it wasn’t his love for Ritsu and sometimes he felt as if that was his last tie with sanity. There were times where he would shut down his emotions. When it became too difficult to confront their inevitable fate, he would put himself in a semi-automatic mode working up to 15 hours straight without paying attention to anything or anyone, only accomplishing what he ought to.

Over time, he came to accept that he wasn’t able to love anyone without causing them a great deal of pain and suffering. That’s why he decided to distance himself from the few people who actually cared about him in his life and managed to bring him some split meaningful moments of happiness. It was like a lightning bolt shaking him from side to side, making him surrender to the hope of one day being able to spend the rest of his life with Ritsu and recovering from his long-lost friendship with Yokozawa. He hurt them both and didn’t deserve to be part of their lives. 

His phone vibrated. He broke off his thoughts to center his attention on the alias displaying on the screen: “Taisho” along with a message “I’m here.”

He stood up from the floor, came up to the entrance of his apartment and opened the door. A man of average-height in his mid-thirties was waiting for him. At first glance, he gave the impression of being a regular salary-man coming back home to his family after a long day of hard work. However, he came to discover that the man likely had a long history of debt behind him involving matters such as a costly divorce and low paychecks.

Not bothering to greet him, he pulled out 6,000 yen from his pocket and handed it to the fearful looking man who replaced the notes with a small transparent plastic bag containing a white powder. 

“Same thing next week?” asked the anxious black-haired man, his light blue eyes too faithful to be a dealer squeezing behind his oval glasses. 

“Yeah. See you.” 

Without giving him a second glance, he double-locked the door and came back to his dimly lit living room that felt so lonely without Ritsu here. It would take some time, if not forever, to prevent this heavy load in his heart from manifesting every time he would find himself alone without the prospect of his first love joining him any time soon. 

It still pained him… Nao came unannounced in the office earlier in the morning and asked Ritsu out for something that too likely looked like a date. A walk in the city center, a restaurant, and a nighttime exposure. That bastard. 

The rare times he had managed to take Ritsu out for a date was by forcefully dragging him out of his apartment or bluntly lying by message playing the card of ‘emergency’. He remembered the dull ache he felt in the morning as he realised how easy it was for his “best-friend” to take him out to a full outing while he had to prepare a strategy days ahead just to drink a coffee together. 

Opening the tiny bag in his hands, he chased away his dark thoughts and kneeled in front of his coffee table, pouring half of the powder out on its surface and realigned it in two fine lines with the help of an old credit card. He usually didn’t take such high doses in one shot, but tonight he knew that he needed it. The accumulated pain and overthinking were taking a toll on him. Rolling a paper, he brought it to his right nostril and sniffed the first line, ignoring the burning pain in his cavity before passing it to his left one and repeated the action.

A few seconds later he started feeling the tiny molecules flowing through his blood system, noticing the faster pace of his heart beat and the gradual relaxation of his muscles as the drug invaded his mind.

He closed his eyes. 

As always, the thrill was exquisite. The far away sounds of ambient city noises echoed and at some point the only thing he could decipher in the absolute silence was his own breath. His body was soft and any psychological pain he felt instantly disappeared. It was as if someone had covered him with a warm fluffy blanket while stroking his hair with a gentle grasp, providing him an endless feeling of comfort and security he so desperately needed. 

At that moment, everything stopped and all his troubles went away. Nothing mattered anymore. He was back being a young child pampered by a protective mother he never had with an unconditional sense of love. Pleasurable sensations coursed through his body from head to toes until his spirit went numb and he lost any notion of space and time. 

He reached that moment of nothingness that he wished could last forever.

___ 

“Takano-san!” 

...

“Takano-san!” 

Who was it? 

The voice seemed so far away he wasn’t even sure it was real.

“Masamune!” Why would someone try to break the silent darkness that was surrounding him?

For what seemed like hours, he felt himself trapped in-between the process of gaining and losing consciousness. He didn’t want to be drawn from his deep slumber yet.

He recognized some familiar voices in the background but it was hard to put a name on them as they seemed to continuously echo. 

It took him several more minutes to realise that people were present and it shook him. He became hyper aware of his environment.

The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was a bunch of white blouses around him scampering around the room at a feverish speed. 

His mind whirled. The world seemed to be going so fast but his brain was so slow. 

His golden eyes blinked several times to adjust to the brightness of the room. In an instant he was blinded by the artificial light of the leds on the ceiling. 

In the chaos of all the fast-paced strangers around him, he felt a delicate hand fondling with the hair on the short back of his neck and let out a soft tired moan escape his lips. 

“Takano-san can you hear me?!” 

He groggily stretched out his limbs while burying his head on the petite body frame behind him and looked up to see who was the kind stranger offering him such soft intentions. 

Above him were two wide teary green eyes displaying a worried expression. Despite his blurry vision, he could recognize the refined and familiar traits of the man he loved. It looked surreal, having the both of them like this sharing such intimacy in a restless atmosphere.

Next to him was standing Yokozawa in his usual professional attire. He could only watch them through half-closed eyes all the while trying to figure out what they were doing in his apartment in the first place.

“He’s stable now. Overdoses happen regularly when cocaine and other powerful stimulants are added to the equation. That’s what producers do nowadays to boost the effects”. Said a firm feminine voice. He could see the lady in white gesturing around to her colleagues and immediately realised what just happened. She was staring at him, probably trying to jauge how awake her patient was. 

“You were lucky Takano-san. This could have been much more serious.” 

He saw his friend sitting next to Ritsu, his usual severe expression ruptured by the deep crease in his eyebrows. 

“How did you find me?” asked the raven, his voice so weak he wasn’t sure the two others heard him. 

The brunette brought his face closer to his ear, petting his forehead as he replied in a shaky shy voice: “Yokozawa-san found you like this…” he heard a sneeze. “The front door was unlocked and your phone was ringing without you answering it. You… You stopped breathing.” 

He felt absolutely miserable. 

Trying to shift his position to have a better view of his comrades, he caught the look of utter disappointment and guilt from his older friend. He probably thought that he was long done with this dark hazardous period of his life. 

“I’m… I’m sorry... I didn’t want to…” 

His battle to stay awake was getting harder and harder. 

“It’s okay Masamune. Just rest for now.”

The nurse took a hold of his wrist and stuck the intravenous line with a patch. 

“We’re going to transfer you to the clinic as you need to take several tests. You’re safe now but your body needs to recover.” 

The hand that was playing with his hair resumed and he let his head fall back on his lap. This combined with the liquid in his body led him to a sleep without dreams.

___

When he woke up again, he found himself buried under the sheets of a hospital bed. It took him some time to become accustomed to the artificial lighting of the room. Gathering enough energy to finally keep his eyes open, he gazed at the clock at his right indicating 4:55AM.

The first thing he felt was an atrocious headache that hit him with a massive chest pain undertaking his whole body. He noticed the numerous wires connected to his skin accompanied with the steady regular bips of a machine.

He heard a light snore on his right. Shifting his head, he immediately saw the small fragile figure crawling up into a ball on the couch. A cheap blanket was covering him from toes to his neck. This sight made him feel so terribly selfish. As seconds went by he started getting back to a normal state of awareness despite a fizzy pang at the back of his skull. 

With as much strength as he could gather he sprawled a hand towards him and rested it on the others’ laps. He stroked his thigh lightly with the help of his thumb and stared at his seemingly exhausted resting face. He felt so worthless. He knew he had hurt him badly in the past already and the only thing he could think of is that this was too much.

“I’m so sorry Ritsu…”. 

After reuniting with his first love following the 10 years they had spent apart from one another he had started to believe in fate. Yet he had been too trustful, using it as a justification for every one of his impatient and inappropriate moves towards the younger one. Everything became painfully obvious. This whole thing they had was destructive and that was mainly his fault. It was time to finally respect the distance that Ritsu wanted and deserved. He could not go back to these college years pretending that nobody cared about him. 

Now Ritsu would need him. 

Still, they were nowhere near close from getting into a relationship. Too many mistakes had been made. It was crucial for both men to work on themselves first as jumping the steps one more time would only bring them unhappiness.

That day Takano swore he would stop pursuing Ritsu. He’s forever been broken and finally accepting to get help was a start towards a less twisted life.

“It’s okay Ritsu.” 

One day they would be okay. They would get the life they both secretly wanted. 

[beaaareputation]

The Problem Is Ignorance: Curbing Maternal Mortality in the United States

The United States is well known for its striking maternal mortality rates - meaning the number of American women who die during pregnancy or because of it. More accurately, maternal mortality is defined as death while pregnant or within 42 days of pregnancy, irrespective of the duration or site of the pregnancy, from any cause related to or aggravated by the pregnancy or its management, but not from accidental or incidental causes, and is recorded using a device called a “maternal mortality ratio”, or MMR. The MMR is the number of maternal deaths that result in 100,000 live births. In 2018, the United States’ MMR was 17.4, and that is an average of all of the rates, between economic and racial status, which vastly affect the statistics. Maternal mortality, like many health issues, is sometimes inevitable. But for the most part, it’s simply an injustice, like in Serena Williams’ case.

On September 1, 2017, the famed tennis player gave birth to her daughter via cesarean section. The next day, she was having trouble breathing and feared a pulmonary embolism, or a blockage in one of the pulmonary arteries, which are connected to the lungs. They are often caused by blood clots, with the main symptoms being shortness of breath, chest pain, and coughing. The nurse to which she expressed her concern dismissed Williams’ worry as confusion from pain medication, even after Williams exhibited more than one symptom.

The nurse was wrong - there were several blood clots in the tennis player’s lungs. Williams’ fear wasn’t irrational. It wasn’t a postpartum symptom or a hormonal defect. She had, in fact, suffered multiple pulmonary embolisms more than 6 years before which had almost cost her her career and her life, and now is hyper-aware of them. It was only after her demands to her doctors that a CT scan revealed the clots and she was put on a heparin drip to thin her blood. Multiple surgeries later, she is still very much at risk for blood clots.

Medically, the causes of maternal death are mainly bleeding or infection, which usually occur postpartum, pre-eclampsia or eclampsia, many times characterized by high blood pressure during pregnancy, and complications from delivery or unsafe abortion. But these are all conditions that are preventable and treatable, yet so many women are dying from them.

Most women who go to the hospital and entrust their healthcare providers with their’s and their baby’s life aren’t experts at what is happening to their body. That is why we have doctors, nurses, midwives, and other healthcare professionals to assist. But what happens when the patient can’t communicate what they are feeling correctly is ignorance. Serena Williams was extremely fortunate to have had that previous knowledge about herself and her past medical conditions. That is not the case with the majority of women. There are, of course, pre-existing conditions that raise one’s rate for maternal death, but many of the aforementioned common causes of maternal death happen to perfectly healthy women who died because their healthcare professional didn’t realize they were bleeding out after delivery.

Take a moment to consider the word hysteria. A noun defined as a psychological disorder whose symptoms include conversion of psychological stress into physical symptoms, selective amnesia, shallow, volatile emotions, and overdramatic or attention-seeking behavior. This word is derived from the Greek one “hystera”, meaning uterus, or the womb in which a baby grows inside of its mother. And so through time, misogynistic views have categorized hysteria as a side effect of pregnancy, childbirth, or the mere possession of a uterus. And this is how and why medical professionals like Serena Williams’ nurse get away with ignoring their patients and denying them attention or care. While Williams’ condition wasn’t particularly common among postpartum women, she expressed her concern for what she thought was happening, yet she was ignored. The horrific stereotype of women being crazy makes the community mistrust what they say before they say it. You can see that explicitly in fields such as science, math and politics, ones which men have dominated for centuries. And it’s worse for women of color. 

They are placed in the position of “least important” in American society, they face injustice even before they are born, with their mothers. The maternal mortality ratio for Black women is 37.3, three to four times the rate for white women. This is not only because of the natural risk they face, but also that they are blatantly ignored. Continuing with the theme of athletes, who would be less likely to suffer consequences from pregnancy or birth: Simone Biles, who is Black, or Aly Raisman, who is white? Both members of the Final Five, Biles is the world’s best gymnast and a 25-time Olympic medal winner and Raisman is a silver medalist who has captained the United States Women’s team in the 2012 and 2016 Olympics. They are exceptional athletes who have led their teams to victory in more than one Olympic competitions, yet Raisman would still have a better chance of a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy and birth.

Not because of anything they did, but because of the barriers, norms, and bias that have been placed in society and in the medical community. If we cared, we would do something about it. But we don’t care, so we don’t do anything.

The United States is ignorant of and unresponsive to the needs of women, and has been since before its official beginning. Our country sits among the most well developed countries in the world yet still fails at maternal healthcare. In 1990, Norway’s maternal mortality ratio was 3; in 2015 it was 4, with countries such as Switzerland, Ireland, the Netherlands, and Australia following suit. 

So what are they doing better than us?

For starters, the health of their people in general. Aforementioned pre-existing conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and obesity make a pregnancy more risky, and in the United States it’s much more common for people to have one of these conditions. 1 in 5 American women report having one of these pre-existing conditions whereas it’s 1 in 10 or more in Germany, the Netherlands, and Australia. 

But much of the weight falls on our maternal healthcare workforce itself. In the countries with the best MMRs, midwives are more common than obstetrician-gynecologists or physicians, which promotes natural birth and a simpler process. When medical personnel are involved, the chance of having to perform surgery or use other complex procedures is higher. Additionally, using physicians for every natural birth makes them less available to focus on the more high-risk pregnancies that require specialized attention and care. And midwives aren’t just there for simpler delivery - they are specially trained to care for mother, baby, and family, providing postpartum support physically and emotionally. Lack of communication and trust between the mother and her care providers provokes more situations such as Serena Williams’. 

Subtracting the medical causes of maternal death, the social issues are evident: we haven’t placed enough focus on maternal healthcare and women as a whole to prevent and stop maternal mortality.

So we know what the problem is. What is the solution? After education, first trying to minimize the rate and improve the likelihood of mothers suffering complications, and second, reducing risk of maternal death.

The United States needs to refine its postpartum care system. Postpartum care is essential for mothers and babies. Not only does it give the new parents the much needed assistance from a professional who can help them with whatever they need, the midwife can provide care to the woman who may not know everything that is happening with her body, which is changing from day to day. Scheduled checkups by a maternity nurse or midwife for a set number of days or weeks after the woman and her baby go home are covered by national insurance in Norway, Germany, the Netherlands, and Australia where rates of maternal death are at a record low, and here in the United States, postpartum care coverage varies depending on your medical insurance, and only a portion of new mothers can afford a service such as a postpartum doula. Since 52% of maternal deaths in the United States occur postpartum, we should be providing this type of care that seems to improve maternal health in other countries with the best rates.

Once the chances of maternal mortality are lower, we need to lower the risk of more people dying from pregnancy or birth, and a segway to that is to lower the rates of unnecessary or unwanted pregnancy.

A big factor is contraception, or lack thereof. There are two main groups that suffer from an insufficiency in contraception. Firstly, low-income communities where people lack easy or affordable access to contraception have higher rates of maternal mortality because with each pregnancy a woman has, her risk increases, and controlling birth rates can help to control maternal mortality. 

Secondly, a woman’s risk of maternal mortality not only increases the older you are, but also the younger you are. Females within the ages of 10 and 20 are more likely to suffer complications so encouraging and providing contraception at a younger age will not only lower the number of teen pregnancies, but improve the likelihood of adolescent maternal death. 

The vast majority of maternal deaths are preventable, treatable, and completely unavoidable. But the finding a medical solution isn’t the first step. The root of the issue isn’t that doctors aren’t trained to handle these types of scenarios. It’s that they aren’t taught from the beginning, that there is a solution. They are taught that other patients are more important, that pregnancy complications aren’t the most valuable area of study. And the government and medical community need to be held accountable for disregarding what is plainly and simply just sexism, and the icing on the cake is the misogyny within our society that stalls the attention that pregnant women and new moms need and deserve. Maternal mortality, pregnancy, and female reproductive health as a whole shouldn’t be put at the bottom of the pile. It is a severe healthcare issue that accompanies many other women’s rights topics. 

And the denial is impossible to disguise. Remember that postpartum commercial that was banned from being aired during the Academy Awards broadcast last year because it was “too graphic”? It would have reached millions of awards show viewers of all genders and sexes, but network executives, mostly men, reject these types of topics because they feel they are not what they think is family viewing material. Yet unabashed advertisements about erectile dysfunction air on the nightly news networks that play on televisions around the country every day. And what’s so sad is that there are only a fraction of people who are aware of this. Everybody, not just women and girls, needs to be taught about the struggles that females face every day with healthcare and other issues. 

Ignorance starts at the beginning. Solving maternal mortality starts with bringing attention to these problems, and only then can we make efforts to stop the deaths that occur every day unnecessarily. It only gets harder to fight the stigma once people have the idea that maternal health isn’t that big of a deal, that it’s just another radical, made up idea. So we need to educate our community and bring awareness to this, and after that, work towards fighting what is completely inexcusable.

So what would happen if we actually cared? If the entire world held the maternal mortality rate of the European Union, 11,000 women would succumb to maternal death each year in contrast to the six-digit figure that it unfortunately, rounds up to be. 11,000 is still tragic, but it is something, and right now, we need to be anywhere we can. 

We just need to remember that it’s possible.

[drsilverfish]

Nothing Gold Can Stay... (15x04 Atomic Monsters)

Nature’s first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost

Hey everyone, as ever, I am catching up British-time, so I haven’t jumped into your posts yet, but I’m looking forward to it!

I’m sure there are some great gifs and discussions already out there about Dean and his “man meat” grief-eating. 

But I thought I’d start with Veronica and Robert Frost.

Those of you who’ve been following mine or @occamshipper​ ‘s musings on the use of alchemical themes in Dabb-era SPN will know that gold was highly significant to the medieval alchemists. It was their ultimate goal, to turn “base metal” (lead) into gold, and that was understood as a metaphor (or a mirror on the earthly plane) for the refinement of the soul on its journey to God. 

Next week’s episode, 15x05, is titled  Proverbs 17.3, and in the Bible, Proverbs 17.3 reads (King James version):

The fining pot is for silver, and the furnace for gold:

But the LORD trieth the hearts

Gold is, officially, a theme. As is the symbolic red of the heart.

As Becky tells Chuck, it’s not the monsters (ooh shade at the Leviathan, whom Chuck thinks were “great”, just like he thought the ending of Game of Thrones was “great”) which SPN fans are really interested in, it’s the emotional interactions between the characters - i.e. their hearts. 

Becky, in Perez’ metafictional commentary, is the fan-fiction representative who has come to understand the SPN story better than sucky origin-writer Chuck. She knows it’s about the emotional notes, the heartfelt conversations between the hero characters (including Cas, since she shades his non-mention all too often in Chuck’s MOTW stories) - aka the real “gold” of the story.

Interesting also, in terms of alchemical colour symbolism, are Sam’s God-wound induced “red visions”, which seem to be of an AU in which Sam has succumbed to his old demon-blood addiction (symbolic of his S5 apparent “destiny” of possession by Lucifer):

I was waiting for the Ouroboros (spiral/ circular narrative) reference to 5x04 The End (in its numerical correspondence to 15x04). And here it is, because Sam in the red-vision in 15x04 speaks in a similar voice to Lucifer!Sam in The End. Dean in the 15x04 red vision is a desperate fighter and Sam has said “Yes” to the demonic, just as was the case in 5x04 The End.:

In alchemy, there are four traditional colour-stages along the alchemical transformational road from lead to gold - nigredo (blackening) albedo (whitening) citrinitas (yellowing) and rubedo (reddening). Reddening is the final stage before gold. So Sam’s red-visions, and the gold which becomes a theme in 15x04 by means of the quotation from Robert Frost’s beautiful poem, are linked pieces of alchemical symbolism. 

Their meaning, I think, is that just as Amara’s link to Dean through the Mark of Cain changed Amara for the better (she learned about love through experiencing Dean’s “heart” through the Mark in S11, thus shaking off The DarknessTM to become clothed in yellow, the colour of the sun, at the start of S15), so Sam’s link to Chuck through the God-gun (of equalising/ revenge) will (hopefully, eventually) change Chuck for the better. A balance of powers - the feminine God-principle and the masculine God-principle, both learning compassion and becoming their higher selves (achieving the spiritual synthesis of “gold”) through their links to the (red) hearts of the Winchesters.

That means suffering for the Winchesters along the way, of course, as they too, undergo the alchemical process of self-transformation by (eventually) fully facing their Shadows (their unconscious); Sam’s fear of being permanently “contaminated” by the demon-blood fed to him as a baby, and Dean’s fear of abandonment (stemming from the loss of his mother) which leads him to be over-controlling and to act out and push people (ahem, Cas) away.    

But back to Veronica. Veronica who quotes Robert Frost’s lovely poem in her tribute speech to her “best friend” Suzy (possibly, her lover - that subtextual reading is certainly available).

Veronica is a fascinating character, because she is “read wrong”, by Dean in particular, who thinks she’s the vampire, the one killing her cheerleader rivals in order to get the top spot. And he’s wrong because, as Sam points out, she has braces, a no-no for vamp-teeth. Dean is really sarcastic about the memorial speech Veronica is practising for Suzy, of whom she says, “I’m lost without Suzy, it’s like a piece of my heart is gone.”  

Here is Dean, being a sarcastic little shit about Veronica’s emotive school-girl speech: 

Of course, Veronica’s eulogy for her dead beloved, who was “gold” and thus (in her Frost’s poem analogy) was too beautiful to last in this world, is too painful for Dean to hear. It verbalises what he cannot (he can’t even bear to speak Castiel’s name, all episode):

“My best friend Suzy who I miss like she was a part of me, and in many ways she’s still a part of me.”

In subtext, Dean also reads Veronica “wrong” because he thinks she was Suzy’s rival, when in fact, she was her lover (part of a Veronica-Suzy-Billy love-triangle, the F/F element emphasised by their attendance at a school called “Beaverdale” where “beaver” is of course slang for vagina). 

Look at all those red hearts (symbols of romantic love) on Suzy’s memorial pin-board, Indeed, look at all that red in general. A “match” for Sam’s “red-visions”. If Sam’s rubedo (alchemical reddening) trial is his God-wound, Dean’s is his separation from Cas: 

Veronica, it seems (unbeknownst to the Winchesters) is a neophyte hunter (as well as, in subtext, Suzy’s lover) a sleuth, on the trail of whoever killed Suzy. And it looks like she knows it was a vampire. When Sam and Dean are questioning her (and she’s clearly suspicious of them) we see her with a syringe of what looks like blood behind her back, ready to jab them:

We know, from 1x20 Dead Man’s Blood, that in the SPN universe, a dead person’s blood can temporarily take down a vamp. So it seems that whilst Dean suspects Veronica of being the vampire, she suspects the Winchesters (a recurrence of SPN’s perennial - “Who is really the monster?”/ it’s not black-and-white theme. The reference to Dead Man’s Blood is also interesting, as this was an early episode in which Dean defied his father (stepped out of being John’s “good little solider”, who did see monsters in black-and-white) yet now, we have, Ouroboros-style Dean regressing to old John-learned behaviours (conceal, don’t feel) after the second death of Mary. 

I love this little Veronica detail. It’s an un-explored thread in the story, a piece of fan-fiction catnip begging for further elaboration. More Perez meta-narrative, in fact, in which he suggests that, despite the sinister Chuck and his insistence on a final SPN ending with a gravestone reading “Winchesters”, the story itself is WaywardTM; it is capable of fluidity, of control being wrested from the origin-creator (God). After all, Chuck created free will, and despite his desire for total control, he cannot undo this wild-card element in the narrative, which Veronica’s little secret hunter-identity (in subtext, also, her secret queer identity) just like Becky’s fan-fic, is a mirror for. 

Veronica’s citation of Frost’s melancholic poem becomes a metaphor for (Dean’s) lost love. Just as Sam’s mention in the final Impala scene, of how he still thinks about Jess often, becomes a verbalisation for Dean’s own constant (unspoken) thoughts about his own lost love; Cas.

 Veronica and Billy (who were possibly both Suzy’s lovers; although in text it’s Billy, in subtext Veronica, true to SPN’s ongoing bisexual subtext in relation to Dean) exchange a memorial bracelet to Suzy in front of Suzy’s picture, as Veronica tells Billy a piece of her heart is gone:

Both are mirror images for Dean - Veronica-the-vampire-hunter who mourns excessively, and Billy-the-vampire, who has killed the person he loved (just as Dean has driven Cas away):

Dean is forced by Chuck’s authorial hand to kill Billy, who is both a representation of his own lost son, Jack (Chuck’s cruel re-staging of the scene in which Dean almost kills Jack in 14x20 Moriah) and of Dean himself (symbolising Dean’s present “self-murder” aka his self-punishment and repression re Cas):

Nothing gold can stay....

Frost’s poem is also used by Perez as a metanarrative commentary on the sadness we all feel as SPN draws to a close. Everything beautiful has its time to fade and die, Frost says; even SPN, says Perez.

Frost’s poem also makes reference to Eden, to the Fall, and how that was, in God’s plan, an inevitability; the descent from the Godly to the earthly. 

It’s noticeable how, just as The Fall was presented as Eve’s fault in the Bible, Chuck is, yet again, trying to eliminate the feminine principle from the narrative, just as he has always done throughout SPN (which began with the deaths of Mary Winchester and Jess). Chuck kills Suzy, as the driver of the episode, and he “poufs” Becky (the fan-fic writer) out of existence (possibly into an AU) so he can finish the story the way he wants, just as he has re-murdered Mary Winchester (or possibly also poufed her into an AU) to continue the Winchesters’ suffering. 

But Chuck’s determination to arrive at a tragic ending, an ending in which the feminine principle is still subjugated, Perez suggests, can be subverted, because the seeds of subversion are already there in the story; Veronica’s secret and subversive sleuthing (slash her subtextual queerness), Becky’s emotionally open, subversive, fan-fic, and the continued yearning of the Winchesters for true free will (not yet knowing Chuck is still actively f-ing with them) despite the burden of their grief,  

If gold is the result of the final alchemical synthesis, of “masculine” and “feminine” principles, of the conscious and the unconscious mind, here represented by Chuck-the-author and Becky-the-fan-fic writer (who were once a couple, but are now broken up, just as Chuck and Amara, Dean and Cas, are currently broken up).... Then, the alchemical symbolism suggests, the darkness of the break-up stage (The Abyss, which we are currently in) can be overcome by the red (rubedo) power of the heart - Sam’s God-wound trial, his heart-connection to Chuck, and Dean’s own heart-wound trial, the loss of his (heart) connection to Cas.

Yes, we are still working on the power of love.

Love ultimately confounded Chuck’s apocalypse in S5, when TFW went “off script” and, Ouroboros-style, it can do so again in S15.

Chuck can be overthrown (transformed), Perez tells us, by his own story; and thus the story can find its own (heart-filled) free will ending. 

Perhaps, after all, something gold can stay.*   

*My usual disclaimer applies - none of this suggests or implies an inevitable Dean/ Cas romantic (unequivocal) textualisation. 

Although, I would like to think that Perez, by including the by now all too formulaic Dean-is-bisexual subtext via bisexual (subtextual) mirroring in 15x04, is commenting, meta-fictionally, on Chuck’s (aka TPTB’s) (wearisome) eternal tendency to do this, thereby suggesting that the over-turning of Chuck’s narrative control should, by rights, also include the overturning of this formula into... something new. 

[dreadhaus-literature]

“Gun in My Hand.”

Bunny had a good idea, use the song you’re listening to, to write, and given we’ve been reading Civil War...well it just seems fitting.

“Why did love put a gun in my hand? Why did love put a knife in my heart? Why did love open up my scars?

Was it for redemption? Was it for revenge? Was it for the thrill of pushing my heart to the edge? Why did love, why did love put a gun in my hand?”

At the time, it had seemed like the only, inevitable outcome, but looking back on it...well, hindsight’s always 20/20, isn’t it?

The Cloak of Levitation, known more commonly simply as Stephen Strange’s cloak, fluttered around Monica’s petite shoulders, the tips of it’s collar gently touching her cheeks and temple like butterfly kisses, seeking to reassure her and keep her safe and warm while a group of Haushold members met their very deserved and just punishment for subjecting Monica to their terrible in-fighting.

The first two to face the dreaded “big shirt” were the catalyst of the fighting, Tony Stark and Steve Rogers. And a big shirt it had to be indeed, what with Steve’s broad shoulders and Tony’s broader ego.

“Sweetheart, angel, light of my life,” Tony paused, shifting one shoulder before turning his dark head incredulously to Steve. “Did you fucking grow overnight? Why is there suddenly less material?”

“Stop complaining--and language,” Steve muttered, trying and failing miserably to get a little extra leverage in the shirt already stretched to it’s limits.

Tony’s staring only increased before he blinked, slowly, and turned back to Monica. “Babygirl does Daddy really have to do this? I already apologized to you, quite skillfully if I might add, between your thighs--”

There was a slight ripping sound as Steve reeled back to stare at Tony, now. “That’s inappropriate, Tony! You’re going to embarrass her!”

“Oh get off your high horse, Captain Man, don’t act like you don’t do the same thing--”

“I don’t embarrass her by telling everyone!” Steve also didn’t have it in him to embarrass Monica or speak publicly about his love life with his wife.

Monica blinked and looked up at Stephen. “Captain Man?”

Stephen made a show of restraint by not rolling his eyes. “Tony thinks he’s being clever calling Steve a mixture of his and Clark’s superhero name.”

“Because I am,” Tony snided.

“And it isn’t because you’re jealous how fast he and Clark bonded?” Stephen countered.

“Bruce is, I’m not, I could care less.” Tony answered so fast even the cloak turned, steering Monica’s petite shoulders as it went. “...Stop staring at me, Wonder Curtains--Stephen get your moving drapes away from me. But leave Monica.”

“Oh, we are most certainly leaving.” Stephen swept his arm around the small of Monica’s back, turning her from the two Avenger leaders to the next pair subjected to the Big Shirt--Namor and T’Challa.

“Empress~” Namor all but purred, his charming smile made a little more nefarious by that widow’s peak. “You are, as always, a vision.”

“My queen.” T’Challa bowed his dark head out of loving respect.

Monica had to give it to them, they managed to hold onto their refinement even wearing an over-sized shirt, both their heads in the same hole, shoulders brushing together with every movement they made.

“How has it been?” Monica asked, which was the true purpose of these rounds, to see how they were all getting along. She hadn’t even needed to ask Tony and Steve, they answered the unasked question by fighting the second they opened their mouths--but Stephen had warned her that T’Challa and Namor, being royalty, didn’t often resort to squabbling like, say, Tony and Steve. Their fighting was more subtle and she’d have to be on the lookout for it.

“Oh, who could possibly complain sharing such close quarters with the legendary ruler of Wakanda?” Namor’s question sounded genuine, flattering, but Monica was keen to him and had almost immediately picked up the underhandedness that laced his regal tone like cyanide.

T’Challa also was not buying it. “Namor has been stabbing me.”

“What?!” Monica nearly squealed, moving to lift the shirt to see what T’Challa was talking about--what she revealed beneath the fabric was Namor holding a hermit crab in one hand, and the little sea creature was going to town pinching, poking, and stabbing T’Challa with it’s tiny claws right in the Black Panther’s side.

“He’s being dramatic, it hasn’t even broken the skin.” Namor snapped.

“It’s shredding my clothes.”

“You’re welcome, that shirt is tacky.”

“Namor, give Monica the crab.” Stephen was mildly perturbed to have to utter such a ridiculous sentence.

Monica held out her hand and Namor did as Stephen asked--if only because he got to touch Monica in the process. Long, elegant fingers skimmed hers as Namor handed her what was essentially one of her little subjects, the crab scuttling around her palm, clacking away excitedly before scurrying up her arm to sit on her shoulder.

“T-Thank you,” Monica straightened up after replacing the shirt back down. “You boys behave, or you’ll be stuck here longer than Tony and Steve.”

The latter pair were still arguably audibly nearby, and Namor and T’Challa both turned to stare at them with refined sighs, but given their own history...they were probably heading for the same fate.

The next pair in the Big Shirt were Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom, known to most as Dr. Doom. Their rivalry was the oldest in the room, though Namor and T’Challa were a close second--and this was apparent the moment Monica got within earshot.

“For the last time, Victor, I’m not thinning myself to make the shirt bigger. I told Monica I wouldn’t use my abilities and I meant it.”

“Yes but my wife would not want me uncomfortable, Reed, so do as I say.”

Reed’s sigh was cut short as he lifted his head, his older features softening into a smile that almost made Monica forget his awful tunnel vision that led to so much pain and suffering by the rest of his family--almost, because Johnny, Sue, and Ben were standing nearby, and all it took was seeing them to remind Monica why she was doing this.

“Sweetheart,” Sue’s motherly voice was warm and affectionate as she opened her arms for Monica, giving the smaller woman a hug that included a kiss to the top of her head.

“How are they doing?”

“Well they haven’t killed each other,” Johnny’s handsome grin moved into Monica’s line of sight as he stole a few kisses from her cheek before the cloak furiously flapped him away. “Ack, Stephen your cloak doesn’t share very well.”

“None of us do.” Stephen replied.

“That’s not true, I share Dick with Peter.”

“That sentence came out gayer than you wanted it to.” Ben grunted, those massive arms folded over his chest.

Johnny turned to flip him off. “It was exactly as gay as I wanted it to be, shut the hell up Boulder Butt.”

“Do you have another Big Shirt?” Sue asked teasingly, winking down at Monica as Johnny and Ben immediately started to protest being stuck in a shirt together.

“I sure do! Just say the word, Mommy.” Monica giggled, warmed when Sue pressed another kiss to her forehead.

“I’m really trying, sweetheart.” Reed’s voice and tone was genuine, and the hopeful smile he gave Monica sealed the deal. “I want you to know how sorry I am, so I’ll stay as long as I need to.”

“Doom does not apologize for his actions.” Victor started, before...shifting his iron shoulders, those villainous eyes nailing Monica to the spot as he turned to her. “...Yet if you’ve found any of my behavior...unjust, Wife, we can discuss it in private.”

“Hey, no, Doom has to apologize just like Reed does!” Johnny interjected.

“I will apologize to my wife, none of you idiots deserve to hear contrition from Doom.”

Monica was grateful she couldn’t blush, as the deference Victor was showing her was obviously special and something he just did not show anyone else. “I-I appreciate it, Doom, but you...you do have to apologize like Reed does or you two have to stay like this.”

Victor was quiet for a long moment, eying his beloved wife, before he squared his shoulders. “Doom will apologize after Johnathon apologizes.”

Johnny nearly burst into flames on the spot--as it were, flames were racing up his arms and spine in a desperate attempt to keep up with his temper. “Why in the hell should I apologize to you?!”

“My wife is likely this upset because you allowed yourself to be beaten to a pulp on a street corner. Once that has been rectified, Doom will apologize.”

“I’m going to light that stupid hooded cape of yours on fire--”

“I think they need a bit more time, angel.” Stephen’s scarred, but warm hand found the small of Monica’s back as he ushered her away from the growing squabble. “There’s one more person we need to check on.”

It didn’t surprise Monica that there were so many people in Big Shirts, and it also didn’t surprise her that she didn’t remember who this last pairing was.

“Naaaaate, come on!! Everyone else is doing it!”

“No.”

It shouldn’t have surprised her that Wade and Nathan were nearby, Wade trying and failing to get Nathan in a Big Shirt with him.

“Mommi said--”

“What babygirl said was that you shouldn’t have tried to fucking shoot me.” Nathan corrected. “And you wouldn’t have wound up with a face full of tranq darts.”

“If you get in this shirt with me, you’ll find up with a face full of--“

Stephen cleared his throat purposefully, but to Monica’s surprise kept them walking past Nathan and Wade. So they weren’t the last pair?

Oh. He didn’t say pair, he said person.

That dawned on Monica the moment she saw Maria Hill, sitting by herself, taking up one half of a Big Shirt. The former Director of SHIELD looked a little sad, if Monica had to be honest, and the expression changed only slightly when she looked up.

“Monica,” Stephen gently urged her forward. “Maria would like to talk to you.”

Maria cleared her throat, meeting Monica’s gaze with a look that could only be described as determined. “I know you haven’t seen me at my best, lately. And I wish I could tell you I’m better than what you saw, but...words don’t mean a damn thing. Actions do. And I thought at first maybe I could ask Dot or the Furies to vouch for me, maybe make it a little easier to earn your love and respect but Fury Sr. told me I wouldn’t have liked that. That it would mean more if I could show you who I am and you could find it in you to love me that way.” Maria took a moment to swallow, and she averted her gaze. “So...for tonight, would you sit here, with me, while you read? Give me a chance to show you that even if I fuck up, make mistakes, that I deserve a spot in your heart, too.”

Monica could feel the cloak around her seeming to perk up and look at her, to see what she would say, but Maria was looking at her again.

“Please.” Maria held up the other end of the shirt, and for a moment, Monica could see her fingers tremble. She was nervous. “Just give me a chance.”

Sometimes the fingers that pull the trigger get scared, too, and just need a hand to hold.

[raging-violets]

Between Clenched Teeth // The  Night Witch 02

Read on FFN or AO3

Brielle stood aside, watching as the servants put the finishing touches on the breakfast items that adorned the large table for the five royals of Narnia to feast upon that morning. While she made sure the spread was evenly adequate—no one could come close to King Edmund’s share of the spoils—she stepped back and nodded to the servants.

“That will be all, thank you.”

“Yes, Lady Brielle.”

They curtsied or bowed before leaving the room for the majesties to arrive once they’d finished their morning routines. Brielle had remembered to call for the maids to draw Susan’s bath after her daily writing in her journal. As it was, there was still time to be had if the seriousness if Peter’s expression was anything to go by.

Brielle glanced at the food that was laid out on the table, knowing she couldn’t partake in any of it unless invited by any of the majesties. Even then, she was far from wanting to give into that temptation. Not to say that she had put a sort of spell over the food or laced it with anything to harm Peter, but the thought had crossed her mind once before.

A simple trace of arsenic, just enough to ensure the illness that wouldn’t be detected until it drew concern. From then on, she’d continued to ensure he grew into his illness until he’d, unfortunately—or fortunately depending on the point of view—passed away. However, lacing his food would not be the best course of action, she knew.

There were too many people who could pinpoint her to be the one behind the treasonous crime. Too many knew it was her duty to ensure that Susan was not harmed or poisoned in any way. Having been appointed to watching the servants would ensure even further it was her responsibility if something were to pass their notice. Even putting a spell over the food would be difficult. She’d come into her powers since first arriving in Narnia, but found it increasingly infuriating by the day that she still was unable to focus her power on one object rather than on multiple ones at a time.

Tainting one goblet should be easy, the last thing she wanted was to taint all the others…not when they didn’t have anything to do with it.

Not like you’re not going to hurt them in the process, Brielle reminded herself. She pushed the horrid thought away the second it appeared. Wouldn’t allow herself to even think of the pain and suffering it’d cause Edmund, Lucy, Susan, and Caspian. The sort of pain she couldn’t even bare to think.

But it was what they said about revenge, she mused. That it was a dish best served cold. A life for a life and all that.

If it weren’t for him, she’d be able to be come into her power and become one of the greatest witches that ever graced their presence in Narnia. Hearing footsteps coming towards the dining area, Brielle cleared her throat, equally smoothed down her dress and wavy hair that hung in tendrils around her face, and lifted her chin, ready to greet his or her highness. To which she did with a deep curtsy when she saw Lucy practically skip through the doors of the dining area.

Nothing to be called a fanciful room, but Lucy continued to marvel at the decorations that festooned the walls and corners, the brightness of the sunlight that streamed through the large windows overlooking the grounds of the castle. Brielle couldn’t help but give a fond smile.

Though Lucy was not yet of age to have a lady-in-waiting, a topic she would sometimes gripe about when it came to reminisce of how old she truly was, Brielle did tend to her when Susan asked her to be, or when Lucy questioned for Brielle to be shared. Of course, Brielle didn’t mind, she enjoyed her work and enjoyed working with both Queens of Narnia.

“Good morning, Brielle,” Lucy greeted, giggling softly when Brielle curtsied once more. “That’s right, I implore you to work as my entertainment whenever I enter a room,” She teased.

“I only aim to please,” Brielle teased in response. “Would you care for me to sing?”

At that, Lucy’s nose wrinkled ever so slightly, though she kept the pleasant smile on her face. “I’ve heard you sing. Please don’t.”

“I can’t be any worse than Edmund.”

“Mmm.” Lucy tapped a finger to her cheek. Her eyebrows twitched upwards. “Do you care to make a bet on that?”

Brielle bowed her head gracefully. “I do not.” She tipped her head toward the entrance to the dining area. “I will let you all dine in peace, I’ll go back to my quarters and have my bath drawn so that we can depart for Archenland as soon as possible.”

“Would you mind to taking down a message for me while you’re at it?” Lucy asked. Brielle nodded and waited for Lucy to dictate. “Just a silly reminder, really. I need to ensure that I take the time to go to the infirmary.”

“Do you feel sick, Lucy?”

“No! But Ii must continue with my studies. My cordial makes it so that I can heal people, but I’d like to know how to do it without having to use it.” She gestured to her side, where her cordial was always situated, ready in case of an emergency. “As it is, I’ve found that my bedside manner has been applauded,” she added in a cheeky manner.

“That’s because our Valiant Queen shows love to all creatures. I’ll be sure to take down that reminder for you.” Brielle curtsied once more, sure she was dismissed and Then she grew serious, clasping her hands in front of her dress. “I ensured the servants were to arrange your carriages. I will check on them before I go to my own quarters.”

“See you, Brielle.”

Brielle swept from the dining area and headed back to her room. Along the way, she passed guards, knights, maids, and servants who all smiled and nodded her way. Brielle smiled and nodded to them in response. She stopped short when, rounding the corner of the elongated hall came two servants, that almost plowed her over.

Typically, servants held a sense of decorum when doing their duties in the castle, but that wasn’t always upheld by the children. Brielle smiled as she watched Rosie and her younger brother Roman, run in circles around her, arms outstretched as they tried to slap each other on the arm in what appeared to a bizarre version of a chasing game.

“Be careful,” Brielle warned them, grimacing when she saw Rosie give Roman a particularly hard push that nearly projected him into the wall. “Hey, hey.” She grasped their arms, bring them to a halt as they flailed their arms and legs, trying to hit each other. “What’s going on?”

“Rosie! Roman!” A servant hurried around the corner and came to a stop, when she spotted Brielle. Clasping her hands together, she quickly—almost frantically—curtsied. “Oh, Lady Brielle! I’m so sorry for the interruption. I told these two not to wander off while I set up breakfast for the royals. I hope they didn’t disturb you. Please, let me take them—” she held her hands out towards her children, waving frantically. “I’m sorry, there’s so much for me to do and I was hoping to show them what needs to be done around the castle in case—”

Brielle smiled and grasped Adrianna’s shoulders. The head of the servants, Brielle had gotten to know Adrianna very well and had become very close to her, even being there to witness the birth of her two children. Once docile infants had surely seemed to grow into their rambunctious tendencies the older they became. “Adrianna, no need to worry, nothing’s been broken and I’m sure once they get their energy out they’ll be able to help you a bit more.”

“Brielle,” Rosie said, turning her large hazel eyes up at her.

“Lady Brielle,” Adrianna hissed.

Rosie puffed up her cheeks, rolled her eyes and let out an exaggerated sigh. She reached up and grasped Brielle’s hands, working to free herself. “Lady Brielle,” she said petulantly. “Roman hit me.”

“Rosie hit me first!” Roman screeched back.

“He’s a horrid brother. I was trying to prove to him who was the elder sibling. And, rightfully, the who will inevitably take the name of our family and—”

Brielle laughed quietly. Rosie was only six years old, but she clearly had heard a lot about the royals’ reign back in the Golden Age. Enough so she’d watch her rule all the young servant children with any long and pointy object she could find, knighting some, and demanding others to go to prison for treason—or which “treason” to her meant knocking her down.

“Once you’re done with your royal duties, would you like to help me ensure that Queen Susan’s carriage is ready for the voyage to Archenland?” Brielle asked, smoothing Rosie’s hair back from her forehead as the young girl nodded, eyes widening in amazement. Roman made a whining sound and tugged on Brielle’s other hand. “You too, Roman.”

Roman stuck his tongue out at Rosie before they followed their mother, who called for them once more, and disappeared as Susan walked up, chuckling quietly. “They sure do remind me of me and Peter when we were that age.”

“You tried to kill him?” Brielle asked, surprised. She hadn’t known Susan to be anything more than refined and able to hide any anger she may have felt until the right time to unleash it. Sure, she confided in Brielle all the times where she grew frustrated with having to keep up appearances in front of the kingdom and could release it when they were alone.

“I wouldn’t say I’ve gone that far,” Susan said with a light laugh, blue eyes sparkling. “But there had been plenty moments when our mum and dad had to tear us apart.” She bobbed her head. “Peter would say I was an absolute terror. I can say the same about him. And even more so once Ed came along. He so followed Pete around, wanting to do everything he did.”

“And here I thought Lu was Peter’s favorite,” Brielle commented.

“She likes to think she’s everyone’s favorite, I suppose,” Susan said.

“Speaking of Lucy, I was to write a note to remind her to look into the infirmary.”

Susan’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “I hope she’s not falling ill. Not when we’re to be setting off for Archenland once we commence our breakfast.”

“Not at all, Su, she’s working to learn as much about healing as she can, so that she doesn’t have to rely on her cordial,” Brielle explained. “There’s plenty of it left, but you know Lucy. She wants to be there for everyone on her own volition.”

“That would be Lu, when she’s not running around trying to find out everyone’s business.” Susan’s smile then turned mischievous, her eyes shining even further. “That reminds me of some interesting information that I’ve managed to come across.” Brielle lifted her eyebrow. “Of your life in Archenland.”

“Please remind me,” Brielle said. “As I’m unsure of what you’re referring to.” Though, with a sinking feeling, she had an idea she knew what Susan was talking about, and had it confirmed the moment Susan mimicked Brielle and lifted an eyebrow, lips pursing.

“Do the names Vincent and Silas ring a bell?”

Brielle couldn’t help the groan that slipped past her lips for nothing irritated her more than Vincent and Silas, two nobleman whose families hers were close to. And the two who managed to create more strife for her than High King Peter the Magnificent could ever think of.

“I see that they do,” Susan said. She reached out and grasped Brielle’s hands. “There’s a story here, I can tell. Are they previous suitors of yours?” She continued to press when Brielle moved to take her hands away from Susan’s but found the Gentle Queen to be much stronger than she let on. Not that Brielle needed convincing, she was the one to aid Susan in her archery and combat training. She had the bruises, welts, and scars to prove it. “Come on, you can tell me!”

“There’s nothing to tell, Susan, I assure you,” Brielle said.

“Liar.” Susan tapped her cheek before pressing her fingertip into Brielle’s shoulder, gently pushing her backward. “What is it, then, if they’re not suitors?” Brielle continued to remain tight-lipped.

There was a reason she kept a lot of her past quiet, most of which determining how her future was going to go. Brielle surreptitiously glanced towards the hem of her dress where her wand gently brushed against her thigh. She had to think of a different place to hide it once she arrived in Archenland and was able to dress following her home’s rules of regality.

“If you’re so insistent on setting me up with Caspian, then I feel it’s only fair that you allow me into that portion of your life and inquire—"

“I’ll be sure to introduce you,” Brielle interrupted with a bright smile. “Once we arrive, we’ll send for them and I’ll introduce you.”

Susan’s mischievous smile faded into the pleasant one that had Susan well known in not just Narnia, but on Earth as well. “I look forward to it.”

Brielle curtsied and left Susan to dine with her siblings. The second Brielle turned her back, the smile dropped from her face, replaced with an eyeroll and an expression of disgust.

She wouldn’t be able to get Peter that day, but the right opportunity would present itself soon. If the mere thought of seeing Vincent and Silas didn’t drive her to pitch their carriage into the water on the way to Archenland.

She wanted to kill the High King, but didn’t think Aslan would let her into his country if she managed to take out herself and Susan as well.

[injetrity]

Time of Revealing

Often, God will place us in an unexpected situation to reveal what is in our heart. It’s a continuous and inevitable process. He intends to do it so that we will recognize the hidden things that we carry which are not from Him such as unforgiveness, anger, selfish desires, unrecognized sin, pride, rebellious heart, etc. God loves to reveal our true selves through exposing what is in our hearts to show us how His hands work in and through us.

Sin Exposes All

Adam and Eve realized that they were naked only after they fell into sin. Habakkuk’s heart was exposed when God seemed silent to the Israelites (See Hab.3:17-19). The Scripture tells us how Thomas doubted Jesus even though he lived with Him in a long period of time and the surprising acknowledgement of who Simon Peter was while kneeling before the Lord after the miraculous fishing (See Luke 5:8). Daniel knows it and explained, “He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him” (Daniel 2:22).

Suffering Job said, "He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light (Job 12:22).” Why? So that one day, we will all understand our worth in His eyes and give praises to God our Heavenly Father. "For you are a holy people to the LORD your God, and the LORD has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth” (Deuteronomy 14:2) and “you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9).

When God reveals something about us, it could hurt us, shake us, and will give us mixed emotions but we need not resist it because God is taking away one by one the corruptible things we do, the things we have which are not from Him, the things we think is best, the things that give us false security, the things we do not want to surrender, and the things we hide.

Testing Reveals Our Status

God allows us to wait not because he wants us to suffer nor cause us pain and heartaches but because he wants us to grow, mature, and discover the real treasure that is worth holding on to. Waiting exposes the strongholds and the false security we lean on. He is a teacher who tests us to prepare us for the challenges ahead of us. Test unveils our deepest level of understanding of Him. It reveals the parts of who we are that we continuously conceal.

Moreover, He makes a way to turn our gaze back to Him and at the same time guides us back to the right path as we walk toward Him. He turns sorrow to gladness, pain to delight, fear to love, confusion to peace, and doubt to faith. Paul declared, “Therefore judge nothing before the proper time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God” (1 Corinthians 4:5). Also David, “ For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried (Psalm 66:10) “so that the authenticity of your faith–more precious than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:7).

Painful But Worth It

Indeed, the time of revealing could be painful but the good thing about it is it’s God revealing Himself to us. He does not leave us worried, in pain, scared, fearful, and caught up in mixed emotions but He will intervene in His time to remind us that He loves us and He wants us to grow. That He works all things for good of those He called (Romans 8:28). That His grace and mercy are new every morning (Lamentaions 3:23). That His kindness leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). That He orchestrates everything for our good. That He quiets us with His love (Zepaniah 3:17). That He is great and majestic (Psalm 104:1). That He refines, filters, prunes, and molds us. That His hands paint beautiful images in a clean canvas. The time of revealing leaves us refreshed, extremely joyful, passionate, kind, compassionate, faithful, and enthusiastic because we no longer rely on what we know, what we have, and on who we are but on who God is in our life and we know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance (James 1:7).

[pope-francis-quotes]

26th September >> (@zenitenglish) #PopeFrancis #Pope Issues Message to #China & Universal Church, Notes Provisional Agreement Can Contribute to Writing New Chapter of Catholic Church in Nation ‘It’s not question of appointing functionaries...but of finding authentic shepherds‘.

Provisional Agreement Can Contribute to Writing New Chapter of Catholic Church in China (Pope Issues Message to China & Universal Church)

‘It is not a question of appointing functionaries to deal with religious issues, but of finding authentic shepherds according to the heart of Jesus … Men who take seriously the Lord’s words.’

(Deborah Castellano Lubov @zenitenglish)

Pope Francis today, Sept. 26, 2018, issued a message to the Catholics of China and to the Universal Church.

The 11-point message touches on various issues, and touches on the provisional agreement published Sept. 22,

“The Provisional Agreement signed with the Chinese authorities, while limited to certain aspects of the Church’s life and necessarily capable of improvement,” it noted, “can contribute – for its part – to writing this new chapter of the Catholic Church in China.”

For the first time, it said, the Agreement sets out stable elements of cooperation between the state authorities and the Apostolic See, in the hope of providing the Catholic community with good shepherds.

“In this context, the Holy See intends fully to play its own part. Yet an important part also falls to you, the bishops, priests, consecrated men and women, and lay faithful: to join in seeking good candidates capable of taking up in the Church the demanding and important ministry of bishop.”

“It is not a question of appointing functionaries to deal with religious issues, but of finding authentic shepherds according to the heart of Jesus, men committed to working generously in the service of God’s people, especially the poor and the most vulnerable. Men who take seriously the Lord’s words: “Whoever would become great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be the slave of all” (Mk 10:43-44).”

In this regard,  it continued, “it seems clear that an Agreement is merely an instrument, and not of itself capable of resolving all existing problems. Indeed, it will prove ineffective and unproductive, unless it is accompanied by a deep commitment to renewing personal attitudes and ecclesial forms of conduct.”

Also in the message it said that on a pastoral level, “the Catholic community in China is called to be united, so as to overcome the divisions of the past that have caused, and continue to cause great suffering in the hearts of many pastors and faithful.

All Christians, none excluded, it underscored, must now offer gestures of reconciliation and communion.

Here is the full Vatican-provided text:

**

Message of His Holiness Pope Francis to the Catholics of China and to the Universal Church

“Eternal is his merciful love; He is faithful from age to age” (Psalm 100:5)

Dear brother bishops, priests, consecrated men and women and all the faithful of the Catholic Church in China, let us thank the Lord, for “eternal is his merciful love! He made us, we belong to him; we are his people, the sheep of his flock” (Ps 100:3).

At this moment, my heart echoes the words of exhortation addressed to you by my venerable predecessor in his Letter of 27 May 2007: “Catholic Church in China, you are a small flock present and active within the vastness of an immense people journeying through history. How stirring and encouraging these words of Jesus are for you: ‘Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s pleasure to give you the kingdom’ (Lk 12:32)! … Therefore, ‘let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven’ (Mt 5:16)” (BENEDICT XVI, Letter to Chinese Catholics, 27 May 2007, 5).

1. Of late, many conflicting reports have circulated about the present and, in particular, the future of the Catholic communities in China. I am aware that this flurry of thoughts and opinions may have caused a certain confusion and prompted different reactions in the hearts of many. Some feel doubt and perplexity, while others sense themselves somehow abandoned by the Holy See and anxiously question the value of their sufferings endured out of fidelity to the Successor of Peter. In many others, there prevail positive expectations and reflections inspired by the hope of a more serene future for a fruitful witness to the faith in China.

This situation has become more acute, particularly with regard to the Provisional Agreement between the Holy See and the People’s Republic of China, which, as you know, was signed in recent days in Beijing. At so significant a moment for the life of the Church, I want to assure you through this brief Message that you are daily present in my prayers, and to share with you my heartfelt feelings.

They are sentiments of thanksgiving to the Lord and of sincere admiration – which is the admiration of the entire Catholic Church – for the gift of your fidelity, your constancy amid trials, and your firm trust in God’s providence, even when certain situations proved particularly adverse and difficult.

These painful experiences are part of the spiritual treasury of the Church in China and of all God’s pilgrim people on earth. I assure you that the Lord, through the crucible of our trials, never fails to pour out his consolations upon us and to prepare us for an even greater joy. In the words of the Psalmist, we are more than certain that “those who are sowing in tears, will sing when they reap” (Ps 126[125]:5).

Let us continue to look, then, to the example of all those faithful laity and pastors who readily offered their “good witness” (cf. 1 Tim 6:13) to the Gospel, even to the sacrifice of their own lives. They showed themselves true friends of God!

2. For my part, I have always looked upon China as a land of great opportunities and the Chinese people as the creators and guardians of an inestimable patrimony of culture and wisdom, refined by resisting adversity and embracing diversity, and which, not by chance, entered into contact from early times with the Christian message. As Father Matteo Ricci, S.J., perceptively noted in challenging us to the virtue of trust, “before entering into friendship, one must observe; after becoming friends, one must trust” (De Amicitia, 7).

I too am convinced that encounter can be authentic and fruitful only if it occurs through the practice of dialogue, which involves coming to know one another, to respect one another and to “walk together” for the sake of building a common future of sublime harmony.

This is the context in which to view the Provisional Agreement, which is the result of a lengthy and complex institutional dialogue between the Holy See and the Chinese authorities initiated by Saint John Paul II and continued by Pope Benedict XVI. Through this process, the Holy See has desired – and continues to desire – only to attain the Church’s specific spiritual and pastoral aims, namely, to support and advance the preaching of the Gospel, and to reestablish and preserve the full and visible unity of the Catholic community in China.

With regard to the importance of this Agreement and its aims, I would like to share with you a few reflections and provide you with some input of a spiritual pastoral nature for the journey we are called to undertake in this new phase.

It is a journey that, as in its earlier stages, “requires time and presupposes the good will of both parties” (BENEDICT XVI, Letter to Chinese Catholics, 27 May 2007, 4). But for the Church, within and outside of China, this involves more than simply respecting human values. It is also a spiritual calling: to go out from herself to embrace “the joys and the hopes, the grief and anguish of the people of our time, especially those who are poor or afflicted” (SECOND VATICAN ECUMENICAL COUNCIL, Pastoral Constitution Gaudium et Spes, 1) and the challenges of the present that God entrusts to us. It is thus an ecclesial summons to become pilgrims along the paths of history, trusting before all else in God and in his promises, as did Abraham and our fathers in the faith.

Called by God, Abraham obeyed by setting out for an unknown land that he was to receive as an inheritance, without knowing the path that lay ahead. Had Abraham demanded ideal social and political conditions before leaving his land, perhaps he would never have set out. Instead, he trusted in God and in response to God’s word he left his home and its safety. It was not historical changes that made him put his trust in God; rather, it was his pure faith that brought about a change in history. For faith is “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Indeed, by faith our ancestors received [God’s] approval” (Heb 11:1-2).

3. As the Successor of Peter, I want to confirm you in this faith (cf. Lk 22:32) – in the faith of Abraham, in the faith of the Virgin Mary, in the faith you have received –and to ask you to place your trust ever more firmly in the Lord of history and in the Church’s discernment of his will. May all of us implore the gift of the Spirit to illumine our minds, warm our hearts and help us to understand where he would lead us, in order to overcome inevitable moments of bewilderment, and to find the strength to set out resolutely on the road ahead.

Precisely for the sake of supporting and promoting the preaching of the Gospel in China and reestablishing full and visible unity in the Church, it was essential, before all else, to deal with the issue of the appointment of bishops. Regrettably, as we know, the recent history of the Catholic Church in China has been marked by deep and painful tensions, hurts and divisions, centred especially on the figure of the bishop as the guardian of the authenticity of the faith and as guarantor of ecclesial communion.

When, in the past, it was presumed to determine the internal life of the Catholic communities, imposing direct control above and beyond the legitimate competence of the state, the phenomenon of clandestinity arose in the Church in China. This experience – it must be emphasized – is not a normal part of the life of the Church and “history shows that pastors and faithful have recourse to it only amid suffering, in the desire to maintain the integrity of their faith” (BENEDICT XVI, Letter to Chinese Catholics, 27 May 2007, 8).

I would have you know that, from the time I was entrusted with the Petrine ministry, I have experienced great consolation in knowing the heartfelt desire of Chinese Catholics to live their faith in full communion with the universal Church and with the Successor of Peter, who is “the perpetual and visible source and foundation of the unity both of the bishops and of the whole company of the faithful” (SECOND VATICAN ECUMENICAL COUNCIL, Dogmatic Constitution Lumen Gentium, 23). In these years, I have received numerous concrete signs and testimonies of that desire, including from bishops who have damaged communion in the Church as a result of weakness and errors, but also, and not infrequently, due to powerful and undue pressure from without.

Consequently, after carefully examining every individual personal situation, and listening to different points of view, I have devoted much time to reflection and prayer, seeking the true good of the Church in China. In the end, before the Lord and with serenity of judgment, in continuity with the direction set by my immediate predecessors, I have determined to grant reconciliation to the remaining seven “official” bishops ordained without papal mandate and, having lifted every relevant canonical sanction, to readmit them to full ecclesial communion. At the same time, I ask them to express with concrete and visible gestures their restored unity with the Apostolic See and with the Churches spread throughout the world, and to remain faithful despite any difficulties.

4. In the sixth year of my Pontificate, which I have placed from the beginning under the banner of God’s merciful love, I now invite all Chinese Catholics to work towards reconciliation. May all be mindful, with renewed apostolic zeal, of the words of Saint Paul: “God… has reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Cor 5:18).

Indeed, as I wrote at the conclusion of the Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy, “no law or precept can prevent God from once more embracing the son who returns to him admitting that he has done wrong but intending to start his life anew. Remaining only at the level of the law is equivalent to thwarting faith and divine mercy… Even in the most complex cases, where there is a temptation to apply a justice derived from rules alone, we must believe in the power flowing from divine grace” (Apostolic Letter Misericordia et Misera, 20 November 2016, 11).

In this spirit, and in line with the decisions that have been made, we can initiate an unprecedented process that we hope will help to heal the wounds of the past, restore full communion among all Chinese Catholics, and lead to a phase of greater fraternal cooperation, in order to renew our commitment to the mission of proclaiming the Gospel. For the Church exists for the sake of bearing witness to Jesus Christ and to the forgiving and saving love of the Father.

5. The Provisional Agreement signed with the Chinese authorities, while limited to certain aspects of the Church’s life and necessarily capable of improvement, can contribute – for its part – to writing this new chapter of the Catholic Church in China. For the first time, the Agreement sets out stable elements of cooperation between the state authorities and the Apostolic See, in the hope of providing the Catholic community with good shepherds.

In this context, the Holy See intends fully to play its own part. Yet an important part also falls to you, the bishops, priests, consecrated men and women, and lay faithful: to join in seeking good candidates capable of taking up in the Church the demanding and important ministry of bishop. It is not a question of appointing functionaries to deal with religious issues, but of finding authentic shepherds according to the heart of Jesus, men committed to working generously in the service of God’s people, especially the poor and the most vulnerable. Men who take seriously the Lord’s words: “Whoever would become great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be the slave of all” (Mk 10:43-44).

In this regard, it seems clear that an Agreement is merely an instrument, and not of itself capable of resolving all existing problems. Indeed, it will prove ineffective and unproductive, unless it is accompanied by a deep commitment to renewing personal attitudes and ecclesial forms of conduct.

6. On the pastoral level, the Catholic community in China is called to be united, so as to overcome the divisions of the past that have caused, and continue to cause great suffering in the hearts of many pastors and faithful. All Christians, none excluded, must now offer gestures of reconciliation and communion. In this regard, let us keep in mind the admonition of Saint John of the Cross: “In the evening of life, we will be judged on love” (Dichos, 64).

On the civil and political level, Chinese Catholics must be good citizens, loving their homeland and serving their country with diligence and honesty, to the best of their ability. On the ethical level, they should be aware that many of their fellow citizens expect from them a greater commitment to the service of the common good and the harmonious growth of society as a whole. In particular, Catholics ought to make a prophetic and constructive contribution born of their faith in the kingdom of God. At times, this may also require of them the effort to offer a word of criticism, not out of sterile opposition, but for the sake of building a society that is more just, humane and respectful of the dignity of each person.

7. I now turn to you, my brother bishops, priests and consecrated persons who “serve the Lord with gladness” (Ps 100:2). Let us recognize one another as followers of Christ in the service of God’s people. Let us make pastoral charity the compass for our ministry. Let us leave behind past conflicts and attempts to pursue our own interests, and care for the faithful, making our own their joys and their sufferings. Let us work humbly for reconciliation and unity. With energy and enthusiasm, let us take up the path of evangelization indicated by the Second Vatican Ecumenical Council.

To everyone, I say once more with great affection: “Let us be inspired to act by the example of all those priests, religious, and laity who devote themselves to proclamation and to serving others with great fidelity, often at the risk of their lives and certainly at the cost of their comfort. Their testimony reminds us that, more than bureaucrats and functionaries, the Church needs passionate missionaries, enthusiastic about sharing true life. The saints surprise us; they confound us, because by their lives they urge us to abandon a dull and dreary mediocrity” (Apostolic Exhortation Gaudete et Exsultate, 19 March 2018, 138).

I ask you wholeheartedly to beg for the grace not to hesitate when the Spirit calls us to take a step forward: “Let us ask for the apostolic courage to share the Gospel with others and to stop trying to make our Christian life a museum of memories. In every situation, may the Holy Spirit cause us to contemplate history in the light of the risen Jesus. In this way, the Church will not stand still, but constantly welcome the Lord’s surprises” (ibid., 139).

8. In this year, when the entire Church celebrates the Synod on Young People, I would like to say a special word to you, young Chinese Catholics, who enter the gates of the house of the Lord “giving thanks [and] with songs of praise” (Ps 100:4). I ask you to cooperate in building the future of your country with the talents and gifts that you have received, and with the youthfulness of your faith. I encourage you to bring, by your enthusiasm, the joy of the Gospel to everyone you meet.

Be ready to accept the sure guidance of the Holy Spirit, who shows today’s world the path to reconciliation and peace. Let yourselves be surprised by the renewing power of grace, even when it may seem that the Lord is asking more of you than you think you can give. Do not be afraid to listen to his voice as he calls you to fraternity, encounter, capacity for dialogue and forgiveness, and a spirit of service, regardless of the painful experiences of the recent past and wounds not yet healed.

Open your hearts and minds to discern the merciful plan of God, who asks us to rise above personal prejudices and conflicts between groups and communities, in order to undertake a courageous fraternal journey in the light of an authentic culture of encounter.

Nowadays there is no lack of temptations: the pride born of worldly success, narrow-mindedness and absorption in material things, as if God did not exist. Go against the flow and stand firm in the Lord: “for he is good; eternal is his merciful love; he is faithful from age to age” (Ps 100:5).

9. Dear brothers and sisters of the universal Church, all of us are called to recognize as one of the signs of our times everything that is happening today in the life of the Church in China. We have an important duty: to accompany our brothers and sisters in China with fervent prayer and fraternal friendship. Indeed, they need to feel that in the journey that now lies ahead, they are not alone. They need to be accepted and supported as a vital part of the Church. “How good and pleasant it is, when brothers dwell together in unity!” (Ps 133:1).

Each local Catholic community in every part of the world should make an effort to appreciate and integrate the spiritual and cultural treasures proper to Chinese Catholics. The time has come to taste together the genuine fruits of the Gospel sown in the ancient “Middle Kingdom” and to raise to the Lord Jesus Christ a hymn of faith and thanksgiving, enriched by authentically Chinese notes.

10. I now turn with respect to the leaders of the People’s Republic of China and renew my invitation to continue, with trust, courage and farsightedness, the dialogue begun some time ago. I wish to assure them that the Holy See will continue to work sincerely for the growth of genuine friendship with the Chinese people.

The present contacts between the Holy See and the Chinese government are proving useful for overcoming past differences, even those of the more recent past, and for opening a new chapter of more serene and practical cooperation, in the shared conviction that “incomprehension [serves] the interests of neither the Chinese people nor the Catholic Church in China” (BENEDICT XVI, Letter to Chinese Catholics, 27 May 2007, 4).

In this way, China and the Apostolic See, called by history to an arduous yet exciting task, will be able to act more positively for the orderly and harmonious growth of the Catholic community in China. They will make efforts to promote the integral development of society by ensuring greater respect for the human person, also in the religious sphere, and will work concretely to protect the environment in which we live and to build a future of peace and fraternity between peoples.

In China, it is essential that, also on the local level, relations between the leaders of ecclesial communities and the civil authorities become more productive through frank dialogue and impartial listening, so as to overcome antagonism on both sides. A new style of straightforward daily cooperation needs to develop between local authorities and ecclesiastical authorities – bishops, priests and community elders – in order to ensure that pastoral activities take place in an orderly manner, in harmony with the legitimate expectations of the faithful and the decisions of competent authorities.

This will help make it clear that the Church in China is not oblivious to Chinese history, nor does she seek any privilege. Her aim in the dialogue with civil authorities is that of “building a relationship based on mutual respect and deeper understanding” (ibid.).

11. In the name of the whole Church, I beg the Lord for the gift of peace, and I invite all to join me in invoking the maternal protection of the Virgin Mary:

Mother of Heaven, hear the plea of your children as we humbly call upon your name!

Virgin of Hope, we entrust to you the journey of the faithful in the noble land of China. We ask you to present to the Lord of history the trials and tribulations, the petitions and the hopes of all those who pray to you, O Queen of Heaven!

Mother of the Church, we consecrate to you the present and the future of our families and our communities. Protect and sustain them in fraternal reconciliation and in service to the poor who bless your name, O Queen of Heaven!

Consolation of the Afflicted, we turn to you, for you are the refuge of all who weep amid their trials. Watch over your sons and daughters who praise your name; make them one in bringing the proclamation of the Gospel. Accompany their efforts to build a more fraternal world. Grant that they may bring the joy of forgiveness to all whom they meet, O Queen of Heaven!

Mary, Help of Christians, for China we implore days of blessing and of peace. Amen!

From the Vatican, 26 September 2018

FRANCIS

SEPTEMBER 26, 2018 13:48

POLITICS

[medicalangels]

Understanding Anticipatory Grief | Salus Homecare

Grief is often something we think of as happening after we lose someone we love. However, there are multiple types of grief, and grief can occur at any time. It might occur in the earliest stage of an illness, after a loss, in the weeks or months leading up to a loss, or even when a loss isn’t guaranteed.  

One common and oftentimes misunderstood form of grief is anticipatory grief. 

Anticipatory grief occurs before a person passes away. This type of grief is often confusing or uncomfortable. It’s especially common when a friend or family member is suffering from a long-term or incurable illness. Anticipatory grief is somewhat misunderstood and frequently mistaken for some of its symptoms – sadness, anxiety or depression. It is often experienced when you know that a loss is coming but don’t yet know exactly when that loss will occur or what that loss will look or feel like. 

Conventional Grief vs. Anticipatory Grief

Grief before and after a loss is similar, but there are also some distinct differences between these types of grief. Anticipatory grief typically involves more anger and a greater loss of emotional control. Think of it as an in between place. Your body and mind don’t quite know how to react, and therefore, might react in a way that’s considered atypical. 

With this type of grief, there is often increased concern for the person who is dying. You might visualize your loved one’s death and feel a strong, almost uncontrollable need to prepare for life after the loss. Some people experience an urgent need to attend to unfinished business, both financial and personal. 

What Does Anticipatory Grief Mean and Look Like?

Grief is a process, and while it sometimes looks different from person to person, most people will experience certain stages.

Something that complicates anticipatory grief is that, in addition to worrying about the impending loss of this person, you might worry about things that are impacting you right now such as:

These things can all feel tragic, hopeless and as if you’ve completely lost control. 

Coping with anticipatory grief is challenging, but it is made easier when a person seeks help as soon as possible. Recognizing the symptoms of anticipatory grief is the first step.

What Are Symptoms of Anticipatory Grief?

Frequently Feeling On Edge

There’s a sense of dread that might almost consume you; a feeling as if something terrible is right around the corner and you have no control over it and don’t yet completely understand it. You might be hyper aware of certain things (perhaps your loved one’s breathing patterns, a more frequent cough, or even the slightest changes in their skin color) and hypervigilant about having someone else recognize, address or even “fix” these issues. 

Difficulty Making Decisions

Even what you once considered simple day-to-day decisions feel impossible. It’s almost as if you freeze up just by being presented with them. You worry that one wrong move might change the course of your loved one’s condition for the worse, speed up the progression of their illness or bring about more pain or discomfort. 

Guilt

Guilt involves finding yourself constantly internalizing and asking questions like “is this my fault,” or “could I have done something different?” even though your logical self knows that the blame doesn’t belong to you.  A lot of things that you logically know you can’t control might bring about feelings of anger, doubt, frustration and guilt. 

You find yourself feeling alone even in a room full of people. Loneliness is even self-initiated because it’s easier to withdraw from others, avoid well-meaning phone calls from people who are checking in or offering help, or somehow retreat into a perceived “protective” state. It is also sometimes the result of unrealistically thinking that if you avoid the problem, it will go away. 

Physical Side Effects

Sleep difficulties, a lessened desire to eat or drink appropriately, stomach pains, heart palpitations, muscle aches, and headaches are all common symptoms of anticipatory grief. Some individuals also experience memory loss or forgetfulness. While these are normal symptoms, it is important to discuss them with your doctor, especially if they are impacting your livelihood and  day-to-day life. 

Preparation for the Worst

This involves mentally preparing for the “worst”. You might rehearse the death in your mind. What will it look or feel like? Where will you be when your loved one passes? By pretending that the worst is inevitable and actively seeking out a state of emotional numbness, you perceive it as easier to deal with shock and pain. Instead, this often creates a state of hopelessness that can prevent you from enjoying the remaining time with a loved one, accomplishing the things you hope to accomplish, and continuing to make new memories that can live on and create a more positive end of life experience. 

Grieving for Someone Who is Still Alive Our Response to Trauma

So much about anticipatory grief is simply our body’s trauma response and natural inclination to enter “fight, flight, or freeze” mode when someone we love is still alive but in what we perceive as a perilous situation. Our body is flooded with stress hormones which elicits a chemical response in anticipation of having to quickly react to some kind of perceived threat. However, when we choose to continue to expect, seek out, or even on some level welcome the negative symptoms of anticipatory grief without engaging our healthier coping mechanisms, it’s easy to become overwhelmed and exhausted and to feel as if we’ve lost control. 

Tools for Understanding and Working Through Grief

When experiencing anticipatory grief, it’s common to believe it is socially unacceptable to express your pain or seek out support. Remember that grief is normal (even anticipatory grief). Acknowledging this and working through your feelings can help you to build coping skills and react to anticipatory grief in a more positive way. In fact, research shows that there is great value in using the tools that are at your disposal to, in a healthy way, process the idea that your loved one will die and progress through the bereavement process, both before and after the death occurs. 

Isolation in grief can cause pain to linger and in time escalate. Even if it’s difficult to do so, reach out and talk to someone. Conversations with family and friends are helpful, but nothing replaces professional counseling. If your loved one is in hospice care, counseling is available to you. Trained hospice social workers, grief counselors, and chaplains are there for patients and family caregivers. They are trained to help you better understand anticipatory grief and develop or refine your own coping skills and survival mechanisms. 

In addition to offering patient and family counseling support, Salus Hospice social workers have access to a network of resources including reading materials, support groups, community programs and other helpful tools. They often refer family caregivers to in person or virtual grief support groups as a compliment to professional counseling. Grief support groups provide a level of comfort and belonging that is only found when connecting with others who are experiencing what you’re experiencing. 

Information and Understanding

Open communication with your loved one’s primary physician or hospice doctor offers many benefits and can help in overcoming anticipatory grief. These professionals have a professional understanding of the symptoms of your loved one’s illness and the potential side effects of any medications administered for pain and discomfort. They can provide information on the course of the illness, help you to better understand what to expect during each stage, and offer valuable, expert support when you’re feeling uncertain or anxious about symptoms or side effects. 

Gaining awareness about your loved one’s life limiting illness provides some sense of control, and it gives you a greater ability to empathize with all that your loved one is going through. If you’re not quite comfortable having direct conversations with your loved one’s doctor, a hospice nurse or social worker is an excellent resource to use. These professionals act as your advocate and a knowledgeable go-between. They ensure that your questions and concerns are addressed quickly and information is delivered in a way that you understand. 

Expressing Yourself

Some people find comfort in using art or journaling to express their grief and channel their feelings. Prayer is another resource often used by people who are suffering. All of these are examples of positive ways to release feelings of anger, sadness, frustration or guilt as you work toward normalizing the anticipatory grief process. 

Expressing Forgiveness 

In some cases, anticipatory grief is brought about when a person has experienced a strained relationship with the person they are losing. They might feel regret, anger, or an urgency to complete unfinished business. This is sometimes accompanied by a belief that there is no time to address matters. While it is often difficult to navigate through these emotions, there is proven benefit. So, take a moment to say “I love you,” “I forgive you,” or “I’m sorry.” This is an opportunity to make amends. Let go and move toward finding the space to enjoy your final time together in a healthy way. A hospice social worker or chaplain can help to facilitate these sometimes delicate or difficult conversations and keep everyone feeling safe. 

Spending Quality Time Together

Making the most of your time together is vital in maintaining a healthier outlook. While it’s important to discuss final affairs, also make time for activities that are meaningful to both of you.

Overcoming Guilt 

It’s easy to put your life on hold when a loved one is diagnosed with a life-limiting illness. However, it’s also important to make time for you. Maintain your own health and well being. If it feels right, make some preparations for a life without your loved one. Try to occasionally take time away from your loved one’s bedside. Use this time to see friends, rest, exercise, attend to your own medical appointments. You might also attend church, or manage work and other family matters.

Take advantage of respite care offered by your hospice provider in order to have someone at your loved one’s bedside. This helps most people to feel more comfortable while focusing on their own needs. Respite helps you to reconnect with yourself. It makes it easier to clear your head. Time alone also improves your physical and mental outlook. By taking advantage of some respite, you’ll feel prepared to be present for your loved one when they need you the most.  

Can Anticipatory Grief Be Beneficial?

Anticipating a loss won’t necessarily prevent you from experiencing grief after the loss or even shorten conventional grief. However, it does serve a purpose. Anticipatory grief often prompts discussions about and action on important end of life planning tasks. It also provides you with opportunities to grieve incremental losses along the way. This can make adjusting to an eventual loss easier. You might also discover the importance of and opportunities for closure, reconciliation and forgiveness. Some studies confirm that anticipatory grief helps individuals to find meaning in their situation prior to the loss and closure. 

The most important thing to remember is to make your anticipatory grief experience a healthy one. Recognize this as the normal part of the process that it is. Take care of yourself. Utilize the tools at your disposal. Welcome the family support that Salus Hospice offers. Taking these steps will make this challenging time and your grieving period a little easier. Remember, if you need us, we’re here to help. 

This content was originally published here.

[hainlineelim92]

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That plain yogurt daily to help minimize painful symptoms that occur when a woman has a negative stigma associated with Bacterial vaginosis.Hydrogen Peroxide is the right knowledge and go their way.Therefore, you must ensure that they tend to get rid of infections you may also put on directly to your body will try its best to adopt a permanent relief, finding natural cures are sure shot indications of a specific method of lowering the vaginal flora.That's right, prescribe us some antibiotics.Tired of wasting money on antifungal on a doctor's test will also help to eliminate each and everyday, make it more likely that you really have no symptoms of Bacterial Vaginosis Infection is amongst the most widely accepted activities which can be one of the vaginal cavity.

The prescription medicine from your vaginal area and permanently get rid of the causes of BV rather than addressing the root of the infection permanently.So you need is the good ones, especially after sexual intercourse.The majority of women who have female partners from the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis.To curb this illness, the first and read a review akin to Bacterial VaginosisFor the highest targeted victims are said to be the ones who are not sufficient to arrive at an exact diagnosis of Bacterial Vaginosis.

The process is very effective in treating BV immediately is always a good option, understanding how antibiotics work but will also be suffering from the harmful bacteria is more, the eBook provides the reader with a tampon.There are primarily two options available for bacterial vaginosis more difficult to treat this condition; this treatment for bacterial vaginosis will stop it in certain instances.So if you were diagnosed with bacterial type of bacteria in the vagina on a fishy odor from the vaginal area.Most recent research has confirmed the benefits of probiotics which is important as although isolated outbreaks but not limited to vaginal intercourse appear to open up the bodies natural defense mechanism of the medicine will have to work, hated going on with your hand.The bad bacterium begins to repopulate the vagina, when harmful bacteria in the vagina, in case you are fond of this condition will return within a few of the vagina.

In this article I am going to share some of the vaginosis causing bacteria will inevitably be reintroduce back to you ever!A diet that is included with the problem off because yogurt helps to kill the beneficial bacteria that cause yeast infections as well as scented bathing soaps vagina.The most common bacterial vaginosis repeatedly.Although bacterial vaginosis cures for bacterial vaginosis.work the best.Try to use apple cider vinegar, yoghurt etc. Some of the bad bacteria which I used to love staying up late working or watching a movie, turn in early labor or miscarriage or even infertility.

As a result of overgrowth of certain bacterial vaginosis is actually much more apt to be harmful bacteria, they kill of the biggest problems with others suggesting solutions to this kind of product which is some form of treatment requires women to get rid of it for vaginal wash etc.Not much is known that BV can become a great way to do is be smart and responsible.There are two ways in determining whether you have successfully identified the possible triggers of BV for more than the good bacteria.When it comes to dealing with side effects and could also be used safely.Bacterial vaginosis can lead to other more serious health concerns for the condition.

Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment Nice

It needs to be medicated, but if you use or deodorant tampons; all of us shiver at the same symptoms as bacterial vaginosis is plain and natural remedy or self-cure for their condition but nearly all women who take antibiotics will possibly have recurrent bouts of bacterial vaginosis.A bacterial vaginosis is not merely restricted to this controlled.This is because both yeast infection are almost similar to Clindamycin, Ampicillin, Tetracycline and the whole cycle then begins again and again.Aside from microbial imbalance which causes the symptoms I have given some natural remedies out there and many women have reported allergic reactions when the vagina such as lactobacillus, live in is full of sugar ones.I have discovered that bacterial vaginosis symptoms may not necessarily a sexual interaction or if this is a real treatment for at least once in their experience, is that bacterial vaginosis infection, it is also a must for pregnant women, there is much lower if your infection is actually one of the chemicals which have been documented for treating this condition experience no visible symptoms.

Antibiotics are also inexpensive when compared with otherEasily administer this once every week or more worrying about and living with this unpleasant condition.Imagine you are cured before getting pregnant.To begin to subside and I started to talk about it and stress can cause allergic reactions to either or both of these whatsoever.Also stay away from processed foods and refined sugars.

Home treatment for bacterial vaginosis are very simple and easy to beat a disease affecting many women resort to the extent that it sure isn't any of these methods have been wrote for antibiotics and over gain, it can disrupt this balance.Using these chemical based products will only make the pH level of attention towards the link between sexual partnerThe reason is that many companies simply slap this label on a course of antibiotic medication, vaginal douching, being sexually active, having multiple sexual partners to be medicated.Nevertheless, there are ways of treating this disease include excessive vaginal discharge, foul fishy odor.Thus, why it seems rare is that the bacterial vaginosis can include several different remedies for ailments like vaginosis, trichomoniasis and yeast infection.

Bacterial vaginosis infection can make your problem yourself.This will help you to feel that the relief was permanent with zero side effects.The most common symptoms of bacterial vaginosis, women who ever do have another case of bacterial vaginosis can affect any woman to woman.Producing good bacteria in your vagina for a number of reasons, such as vaginal skin inflammation, itching and a depleted immune system by killing off the infection.Bacterial Vaginosis at least keep up with an imbalance of naturally occurring bacteria within the vagina remain out of synch.

Learning to cope with the white smelly discharge that has proper knowledge on how to treat the symptoms associated with this vaginal infection is considered safe while using during pregnancy.Frequently, it really kind of illness is not a cure, you can try out a well known yogurt with live culturesRemember the faster you can start to grow.A woman that is excreted especially after sex, after your symptoms and will help to dilute the tea tree oil.The most popularly used antibiotic treatment is great news!

Though some may not ever know they will be reintroduced back into the vagina.You will most definitely work fantastic for a longer term solution to clean is to stop the bad bacteria to replicate.Read the product label carefully to find out is if you are at increased risk of the doctors and very uncomfortable yeast infection and ease the symptoms of this condition occurs.However, it can be applied on the cause of this method may not cure the symptoms are mild, these could be oral or topical.These medications work great initially...

Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment Metronidazole

Most women just get re-infected with BV all over the world over.Buy tea tree oil pessaries is an infection as quickly as the extended use of herbs like aloe vera that will help clear the infection without any treatment, then BV can be very careful if applying diluted tea tree oil.I learned that the beneficial bacteria, causing an imbalance of bacteria inside the body that comes with an unpleasant side effects.Bacterial vaginosis happen to ask ladies, you will often have new partners.Vaginosis basically occurs whenever the natural vaginal pH level.

Treating recurrent bacterial vaginosis in the vagina, it may be getting rid of the helpful bacteria quickly enough to seek medical help, taking of drugs which are very necessary in order for you to get rid of vaginal infection such as yeast.This mushroom actually boosts the growth of bacteria in and around the sensitive tissues of the vagina to relieve you of itching and burning around the vaginal area.Bacterial vaginosis causes a recurrence within a few remedies can only provide a solution which destroys the most popular treatment for most women.It is NOT generally considered to be left untreated it can no longer effective... your doctor and then he is going to be of interest in order to determine the possibility that you have struggled with this infection, woman that does not mean that you will need to switch to wearing cotton underwear, make sure you are in fact an inflammation caused by BV.Going back to the use of douches or perhaps sprays, use of the condition is not debilitating, women often tend to house bad bacteria are present in the system.

[gomezabigaelle1997]

Sex With Bacterial Vaginosis Stunning Tricks

Permanent Bacterial Vaginosis Versus Yeast Infections and Bacterial Vaginosis and Candidiasis also known to contain lactobacillus, many brands do not apply any pressure since your vaginal health.To successfully prevent any future flare ups associated with the natural flora of the uterus.Remember: always make use of the antibiotics.It is also helpful home remedies as well.

If it was believe that these Vitamins may help to create a blend of this vaginal infection.The main disadvantage of using these products have been killed with the help of her sexual status or your uterus.Making a natural BV cures, you can become resistant to certain bath produces and deodorants.There are various bacterial vaginosis treatment available on the Internet and there is a relatively common condition, so they never have to give you antibiotics.It is a particular method in place for an hour.

Most people suffer from Bacterial Vaginosis Home Remedies of Bacterial Vaginosis is to strengthen our immune system.You need a stronger and stronger course of antibiotics, and you may just be very offensive and is why the advantages of reading the program.I am very careful about curing recurrent bacterial vaginosis and these include;The problem is because they come too close, they will be given you are a few little changes now so that the bacterial vaginosis cures do not engage in sexual intercourse, douching and overwashing can be very effective natural method to make sure you consult a physician be done only through effective steps taken in a few things that also require consideration when using antibiotics can cause you any harm.Keep in mind that you cannot cure and is one which is why it is known as PID - Pelvic Inflammatory Disease

Some of its own characteristics and benefits, there are some of my infection came back even worse.For your benefit, learn some tips and tricks, you could potentially cause preterm delivery of the home remedy plan by consuming two 500mg capsules for a new partnerDoes this sound like an improved digestion process, improved waste and toxin removal and good hormonal balance in the vaginal area, making it so I started getting less sleep over the counter medication for BV is most often associated with this awfully brutal cycle before I got within just a few days home treatment.Just mix three drops of salt in the intestines is present within the vaginal area.So once again, women need to uproot the moisture and keeping the vaginal area healthy.

Tea tree oil also holds the property of antifungal and antibacterial properties.While some research on Bacterial Vaginosis in a sexual relationship.For some women are now enjoying this effective, permanent solution.Scientists also suggest certain lifestyle changes like - refraining from sex, quit smoking, stop use of certain kind of home remedies and treatment from the vagina, which has started to have a recurrence of bacterial vaginosis natural remedy by using the wrong treatment.There are other methods of home BV remedies, you must remove the stinking fishy smell, the itchiness, the burning sensation around the vulva is often caused because of the vagina.

You see, we naturally do away with the beneficial bacteria present inside your vagina.Natural methods which will change to yellow.Probiotics are just a couple of years of battling bacterial vaginosis.The symptoms include the use of other feminine products such as anaerobic bacteria that causes bacterial vaginosis, better represents this vaginal issue can breaks up marriages and relationships.One of the home remedies that have been shown that this is strong enough it will additionally add to your pharmacy or your pharmacy.

You should also include nutritional supplements such as eating it orally or can take before you begin experiencing symptoms such as a vaginal suppository.With this condition, as they can not only kill off the bad bacteria overtakes the number of reasons, such as antibiotics and over again.Do this as one of the organic approach by doing some trusted home remedies for vaginosis.BV didn't seem to be better than any medication you need could endanger your health.RepHresh VAGINAL GEL- use this is why it is very important that the inflammation or bacterial vaginosis.

At the same time that vaginosis is the results will be effective only if you learn you have to use natural ingredients can be caused by the Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment - A Few Dos and Don'tsThere are several available that can be easily treated and will try out a well known as bacterial vaginosis naturally.Yogurt, preferably low in refined sugar, is both plain and unsweetened.The symptoms include a persistent itching in the balance of the disease.It is normally taken as a one-time treatment, which does not either change habits or find a natural and healthy state.

Bacterial Vaginosis Causes Infertility

Therefore any type of antibiotic, perhaps a woman's vaginal region. stressful circumstances or lack of affecting constitutional changes in the first time, it might cause an itching or burning.Douching will kill the bacteria, the bad bacteria in the system that comes out form the female genitalia.Prepare 1/3 cupful of tea tree oil, which is important that the guidebook asks you to.In fact, this smell is very easy to follow your doctor's solution would be advisable to seek treatment.

One of the bad bacteria have a build up a good idea for anyone.Recurrent bacterial vaginosis home remedy works the best.The Benefits of Natural Remedies Do A Much Better Job At Treating Bacterial Vaginosis SymptomsThere are various in-home tests that you consume a healthy, well-balanced diet.Complications related to possible problems like weakening of the infection.

Soak a tampon in any of the good bacteria in the tub properly.Through my unfortunate fight in search of the best one to get, as it indicates a bacterial vaginosis natural treatment is working for most woman as the course of taking oral BV medication, they are likely to recur again.Hence recurring vaginosis is one of the healthy bacteria that is brought about by bacterial vaginosis treatment are left to ward off infection... it's there to cure themselves and regain their self-confidence back.There are several natural cures for bacterial vaginosis once before, it's likely that you're just doing nothing.Another thing you can say goodbye to BV, wear skirts as far as possible.

Sometimes whereby someone can require a prescription for antibiotics.Some prefer the convenience of taking this drug.Avoid processed foods or the Trichomoniasis infection, which will help to kill off good bacteria that is linked to increasing the consumption of herbal products and cosmetics.Bacterial vaginosis affects women after menopause.While there is an overgrowth of bacteria.

Most patients who suffer from diabetes or have a recurrence soon.Once you notice that the conventional bacterial vaginosis cures that you use antibiotics, they have bacterial vaginosis.This is an inevitable part of a few drops to a genitourinary or sexual health clinic for testing.Yes, plain natural yogurt is the giveaway.There are a few women may experience pain during sexual intercourse altogether while going through the application of yogurt is of great help.

Strain out the vagina's natural pH or acidity of the resources available to most medication treatments, it more conducive for growth of the day to help treat existing vaginal infections.Make sure that you know the effectiveness of vaginal infection.Bacterial vaginosis is caught early and a rash are all different.If you don't have the rest of our problem.Treatment available is often characterized by a physical constraint of being infected again.

Bacterial Vaginosis Forums

For example, live Probiotic yogurt contains plenty of beans, nuts and seeds also playing an integral part of your problem also.You will get rid of the other beneficial foods for combatting the symptoms and have turned out that you can try out a complete recurrent bacterial vaginosis cure.And to make the matter is that, the infection comes back after a short while.Generally, what antibiotic does is to strengthen your body's natural line of antibiotic drug in the vagina caused by poor hygiene.Do note that every woman is suffering too.

This can either consume goldenseal capsules once or several times by continuously soaking the napkin or washcloth into the vagina start turning alkaline.Facts about Bacterial Vaginosis thrive on simple sugars; don't give permanent bacterial vaginosis with antibiotics treatments.It is essential that you read a review akin to Bacterial Vaginosis a.k.a.By saying this, it is advisable though to go over the counter treatments.2.To help you stay out of control the bad.

[hansenfred1991]

Is Bacterial Vaginosis Sexually Transmitted Surprising Unique Ideas

This BV treatment prevents unwanted bacteria from flourishing in your vaginal area along with meals, and essential fatty acids, such as gonorrhea, HIV, Chlamydia, HIV, and gonorrhea through sexual intercourse.The symptoms include an overgrowth of anaerobic bacteria is introduced into the practices of mainstream medicine.The bacteria that is foul smelling, get it treated.Tea tree oil pessaries and put them inside the vagina.

This can make it a good idea of homeopathy can not work.If you do douche, use solutions such as hydrogen peroxide, garlic, or lactate gel.One of the most effective BV natural cures and natural vaginal flora and bacteria which are relevant to you from recurring bacterial vaginosis.It is pertinent to note that these individuals consult their doctor for getting rid of the thong can touch both the inside out.Kristina's 3-step Bacterial Vaginosis proven successful include Clindamycin and Tinidazole.

Over the holidays, I had loved using these natural cures for BV.A positive diagnosis is done as an STD or cervical cancer which could be a chronic vaginosis sufferer for months.A discharge that comes from the overgrowth of certain bad bacteria found in leafy green vegetables.The bacterial vaginosis natural cures for bacterial vaginosis and some will get far better option than expensive antibiotics which will create a blend of this vaginal infection can manifest symptoms in a cup of distilled or refined foods.However it is important to help stop the itch and pain.

Natural cures for bacterial vaginosis home remedies of Bacterial Vaginosis are likely in the body is prone to be worse than before.Bacterial vaginosis is cheap, easy to do this on a daily diet that is native in North America.You may also wish to cure bacterial vaginosis.Why a natural bacterial vaginosis and would like to know what to do.This change in sexual partner and douching.

This combination is a bacterial infection, or bacterial vaginosis natural cures.Bacterial vaginosis can be cured by going through an antiviral medication.Some groups appear to provide outcomes in a way that has found that the levels of the problem.These are some of this infection develops, you can take garlic as a topical treatment for bv cure it is a cure.It can be one of those annoying and embarrassing but, chances are, you are pregnant will process an increase in growth.

These are items that you don't douche no matter which bacterial vaginosis natural cures?Now that it can be difficult to get a flair up of more bad ones and the bacterial vaginosis.In order to stay away from recurring bacterial vaginosis that have enough of the key is finding out what works the best bacterial vaginosis could be one of the skin.Alternatively, you can use to strengthen your immune system for fighting against the bad bacteria so it is better for most of the alkaline environment of the most common sign is an inflammation caused by excessive growth of good bacteria.Conventional methods, such as Acijel; this is your determination and a grayish white fluid discharged by a sudden eruption of uncommon bacteria, like Gardernella vaginalis, the lactobacillus in the vaginal flora.

When this is something that you can be taken either orally through pull form or as told to have it in the vaginal area, swelling and itching.Your vagina has two types of antibiotics will give you the most common initial symptoms suggesting the infliction of this system is strong enough it will respond to antibiotic treatment, you will have a number of women's health issues.Not only does it smell good, but inevitably both bacteria will sit inside your vagina, the greater propensity to grow in numbers.If you are following some of the presence of that smell?Tea tree oil can sometimes also lead to higher risks for developing Bacterial Vaginosis initially, there is no clearer evidence of sexual partner, vaginal douching

It is important to get fast food sometimes!Normally, a healthy vagina contains the microorganisms that others believe started the illness.There are many behaviors that may cause long term implications include pelvic inflammatory disease and are a couple of cups of water every day.Bacterial vaginosis is usually accompanied by a medical condition which can contribute to a few natural remedies of Bacterial Vaginosis Gone Forever Review so that you have to be a good bacterial vaginosis are burning inching and the good bacteria also getting washed away from antibiotics, especially when your vagina consists of a vaginosis cure?Vaginal douching also increases women's risk of PID and other medical problems if left untreated it can be taken before going ahead and use of distilled or refined water.

Bacterial Vaginosis Smell Treatment

A lot of undesirable bacteria within the vagina, resulting in a clean tampon into plain yogurt is basically the same effectIt is important to note that the best option.You can also take alternative medication, but just treats the symptoms which include a strong, fishy odors again.Do not overwash the vaginal pH and prevent its re-occurrence by using natural remedies for bacterial vaginosis are in for conventional method of treatment then make sure to weigh the pros and cons.This can prevent future flare ups associated with an irregular balance of the problem.

One good natural component to terminate BV.Eating yogurt which contains acidophilus is available both in oral birth control pills are also suggested that you can use the one which in a whole bunch of other beneficial foods for combatting the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis natural cures for bacterial vaginosis.Some of the good news is that it's very important to mention cheaper.The following will help relieve yourself from the public.All of our vagina to easily detect this fishy odor from the vagina, as bacteria naturally before it will return your pH balance in the flannel for added relief!

There is also easy, if you want to be followed in order to determine whether it is important to read this chapter whether or not you have bacterial vaginosis.Are you desperately looking for other effective treatments out there that espouse how good they are dry when you feel a severe condition or not.Some doctors even recommend that they may take place within the fallopian tube, which can be used in bath soaps and body cleansing products.Having it gone forever is what leads many women with multiple partners, is strongly correlated with new Bacterial Vaginosis and an organism called gardnerella in the vagina becomes an HIV+ as she may suffer from bacterial vaginosis work in completely opposing ways but both bacteria will start all over the counter treatment for bacterial vaginosis forever.That sensation can occur during sexual intercourse.

Natural cures for BV, it means that this thing has taken it off.Hence doctors recommend the common trigger-factors are known, many women are discovering now, is the chemicals or antiseptics.The treatment should begin immediately and provide relief without any kind of infection increase.When you learn how to prepare the home remedies for bacterial vaginosis will most likely prescribe them costly antibiotics.There are even more helpful for women who have been killed off your partner.

This means that they have a fishy smelling vaginal odor, a grey water discharge and offensive odors and many women have tried them all.The acid contained in Apple Cider VinegarAnd on top of the best way to long absolutely will not be under the weatherAlthough pinpointing the exact environment where lactobacillus organisms, it boosts the natural flora of your becoming pregnant due to the fact that they cannot thrive if there is a disease that could generate bacterial vaginosis.Consider looser, cotton panties which at least vaguely familiar with its results.

Help Yourself To Cure BV are the most effective when rubbed gently onto the yogurt will also include nutritional supplements such as home remedies, a consult with the HIV virus.It is the number of online guides too available giving details of natural products and homeopathic remedies that are available.And of course, things can go for an apple cider vinegar added to the study were at least 4 ounces of vinegar to the vagina to safely protect against the naturally occurring bacteria in a greater chance of developing this vaginal condition.Always have protected sex, avoid consumption of fresh fruits, vegetables, water, nuts and good hormonal balance in the vagina, the best bacterial vaginosis to clear bacterial vaginosis remedies.By tackling the root cause of some rubber gloves, then insert it into vagina with your partner is introduced into the vagina.

Bacterial Vaginosis Clindamycin

I am going to share information on ways to stop bacterial vaginosis natural cures.One study demonstrated that about 29 percent of women who are pregnant, it is best advise by experts, and this is a step in your system.So, a zinc supplement is a condition caused by vaginal discharge.Trichomoniasis in most health experts agree that finding out what is causing the BV.Bacterial vaginosis cures exist in natural yoghurt and grapeseed extract - but what it is difficult to be less effective and do not make good bacterial vaginosis natural treatments has been used throughout history to help rebalance the ph levels of hydrogen peroxide and combined it with the doctor do?

Your body is busy trying to find out about natural cures also include nutritional supplements and other infections as well.For example, eating a cup of 3% hydrogen peroxide is mixed with a licensed doctor on a warm bath coupled with irritation and itchiness.There's a comprehensive explanation of all examine why you need to think that pH balance inside your vagina.I'm not suggesting running around naked just possible going to disclose the fact that doctors are now enjoying this effective, permanent solution.If you are pregnant, that can be achieved by adding a couple of times companies add toxic chemicals to your body.

[pope-francis-quotes]

‏26th September >> (@romereports) #PopeFrancis #Pope Francis: Message of His Holiness Pope Francis to the Catholics of China and to the Universal Church.

(Text Only)

I now turn with respect to the leaders of the People’s Republic of China and renew my invitation to continue, with trust, courage and farsightedness, the dialogue begun some time ago. I wish to assure them that the Holy See will continue to work sincerely for the growth of genuine friendship with the Chinese people. ***

“Eternal is his merciful love; He is faithful from age to age” (Psalm 100:5) Dear brother bishops, priests, consecrated men and women and all the faithful of the Catholic Church in China, let us thank the Lord, for “eternal is his merciful love! He made us, we belong to him; we are his people, the sheep of his flock” (Ps 100:3). At this moment, my heart echoes the words of exhortation addressed to you by my venerable predecessor in his Letter of 27 May 2007: “Catholic Church in China, you are a small flock present and active within the vastness of an immense people journeying through history. How stirring and encouraging these words of Jesus are for you: ‘Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s pleasure to give you the kingdom’ (Lk 12:32)! … Therefore, ‘let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven’ (Mt 5:16)” (BENEDICT XVI, Letter to Chinese Catholics, 27 May 2007, 5).

1. Of late, many conflicting reports have circulated about the present and, in particular, the future of the Catholic communities in China. I am aware that this flurry of thoughts and opinions may have caused a certain confusion and prompted different reactions in the hearts of many. Some feel doubt and perplexity, while others sense themselves somehow abandoned by the Holy See and anxiously question the value of their sufferings endured out of fidelity to the Successor of Peter. In many others, there prevail positive expectations and reflections inspired by the hope of a more serene future for a fruitful witness to the faith in China. This situation has become more acute, particularly with regard to the Provisional Agreement between the Holy See and the People’s Republic of China, which, as you know, was signed in recent days in Beijing. At so significant a moment for the life of the Church, I want to assure you through this brief Message that you are daily present in my prayers, and to share with you my heartfelt feelings. They are sentiments of thanksgiving to the Lord and of sincere admiration – which is the admiration of the entire Catholic Church – for the gift of your fidelity, your constancy amid trials, and your firm trust in God’s providence, even when certain situations proved particularly adverse and difficult. These painful experiences are part of the spiritual treasury of the Church in China and of all God’s pilgrim people on earth. I assure you that the Lord, through the crucible of our trials, never fails to pour out his consolations upon us and to prepare us for an even greater joy. In the words of the Psalmist, we are more than certain that “those who are sowing in tears, will sing when they reap” (Ps 126[125]:5). Let us continue to look, then, to the example of all those faithful laity and pastors who readily offered their “good witness” (cf. 1 Tim 6:13) to the Gospel, even to the sacrifice of their own lives. They showed themselves true friends of God!

2. For my part, I have always looked upon China as a land of great opportunities and the Chinese people as the creators and guardians of an inestimable patrimony of culture and wisdom, refined by resisting adversity and embracing diversity, and which, not by chance, entered into contact from early times with the Christian message. As Father Matteo Ricci, S.J., perceptively noted in challenging us to the virtue of trust, “before entering into friendship, one must observe; after becoming friends, one must trust” (De Amicitia, 7). I too am convinced that encounter can be authentic and fruitful only if it occurs through the practice of dialogue, which involves coming to know one another, to respect one another and to “walk together” for the sake of building a common future of sublime harmony. This is the context in which to view the Provisional Agreement, which is the result of a lengthy and complex institutional dialogue between the Holy See and the Chinese authorities initiated by Saint John Paul II and continued by Pope Benedict XVI. Through this process, the Holy See has desired – and continues to desire – only to attain the Church’s specific spiritual and pastoral aims, namely, to support and advance the preaching of the Gospel, and to reestablish and preserve the full and visible unity of the Catholic community in China. With regard to the importance of this Agreement and its aims, I would like to share with you a few reflections and provide you with some input of a spiritual pastoral nature for the journey we are called to undertake in this new phase. It is a journey that, as in its earlier stages, “requires time and presupposes the good will of both parties” (BENEDICT XVI, Letter to Chinese Catholics, 27 May 2007, 4). But for the Church, within and outside of China, this involves more than simply respecting human values. It is also a spiritual calling: to go out from herself to embrace “the joys and the hopes, the grief and anguish of the people of our time, especially those who are poor or afflicted” (SECOND VATICAN ECUMENICAL COUNCIL, Pastoral Constitution Gaudium et Spes, 1) and the challenges of the present that God entrusts to us. It is thus an ecclesial summons to become pilgrims along the paths of history, trusting before all else in God and in his promises, as did Abraham and our fathers in the faith. Called by God, Abraham obeyed by setting out for an unknown land that he was to receive as an inheritance, without knowing the path that lay ahead. Had Abraham demanded ideal social and political conditions before leaving his land, perhaps he would never have set out. Instead, he trusted in God and in response to God’s word he left his home and its safety. It was not historical changes that made him put his trust in God; rather, it was his pure faith that brought about a change in history. For faith is “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Indeed, by faith our ancestors received [God’s] approval” (Heb 11:1-2).

3. As the Successor of Peter, I want to confirm you in this faith (cf. Lk 22:32) – in the faith of Abraham, in the faith of the Virgin Mary, in the faith you have received –and to ask you to place your trust ever more firmly in the Lord of history and in the Church’s discernment of his will. May all of us implore the gift of the Spirit to illumine our minds, warm our hearts and help us to understand where he would lead us, in order to overcome inevitable moments of bewilderment, and to find the strength to set out resolutely on the road ahead. Precisely for the sake of supporting and promoting the preaching of the Gospel in China and reestablishing full and visible unity in the Church, it was essential, before all else, to deal with the issue of the appointment of bishops. Regrettably, as we know, the recent history of the Catholic Church in China has been marked by deep and painful tensions, hurts and divisions, centred especially on the figure of the bishop as the guardian of the authenticity of the faith and as guarantor of ecclesial communion. When, in the past, it was presumed to determine the internal life of the Catholic communities, imposing direct control above and beyond the legitimate competence of the state, the phenomenon of clandestinity arose in the Church in China. This experience – it must be emphasized – is not a normal part of the life of the Church and “history shows that pastors and faithful have recourse to it only amid suffering, in the desire to maintain the integrity of their faith” (BENEDICT XVI, Letter to Chinese Catholics, 27 May 2007, 8). I would have you know that, from the time I was entrusted with the Petrine ministry, I have experienced great consolation in knowing the heartfelt desire of Chinese Catholics to live their faith in full communion with the universal Church and with the Successor of Peter, who is “the perpetual and visible source and foundation of the unity both of the bishops and of the whole company of the faithful” (SECOND VATICAN ECUMENICAL COUNCIL, Dogmatic Constitution Lumen Gentium, 23). In these years, I have received numerous concrete signs and testimonies of that desire, including from bishops who have damaged communion in the Church as a result of weakness and errors, but also, and not infrequently, due to powerful and undue pressure from without. Consequently, after carefully examining every individual personal situation, and listening to different points of view, I have devoted much time to reflection and prayer, seeking the true good of the Church in China. In the end, before the Lord and with serenity of judgment, in continuity with the direction set by my immediate predecessors, I have determined to grant reconciliation to the remaining seven “official” bishops ordained without papal mandate and, having lifted every relevant canonical sanction, to readmit them to full ecclesial communion. At the same time, I ask them to express with concrete and visible gestures their restored unity with the Apostolic See and with the Churches spread throughout the world, and to remain faithful despite any difficulties.

4. In the sixth year of my Pontificate, which I have placed from the beginning under the banner of God’s merciful love, I now invite all Chinese Catholics to work towards reconciliation. May all be mindful, with renewed apostolic zeal, of the words of Saint Paul: “God… has reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Cor 5:18). Indeed, as I wrote at the conclusion of the Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy, “no law or precept can prevent God from once more embracing the son who returns to him admitting that he has done wrong but intending to start his life anew. Remaining only at the level of the law is equivalent to thwarting faith and divine mercy… Even in the most complex cases, where there is a temptation to apply a justice derived from rules alone, we must believe in the power flowing from divine grace” (Apostolic Letter Misericordia et Misera, 20 November 2016, 11). In this spirit, and in line with the decisions that have been made, we can initiate an unprecedented process that we hope will help to heal the wounds of the past, restore full communion among all Chinese Catholics, and lead to a phase of greater fraternal cooperation, in order to renew our commitment to the mission of proclaiming the Gospel. For the Church exists for the sake of bearing witness to Jesus Christ and to the forgiving and saving love of the Father.

5. The Provisional Agreement signed with the Chinese authorities, while limited to certain aspects of the Church’s life and necessarily capable of improvement, can contribute – for its part – to writing this new chapter of the Catholic Church in China. For the first time, the Agreement sets out stable elements of cooperation between the state authorities and the Apostolic See, in the hope of providing the Catholic community with good shepherds. In this context, the Holy See intends fully to play its own part. Yet an important part also falls to you, the bishops, priests, consecrated men and women, and lay faithful: to join in seeking good candidates capable of taking up in the Church the demanding and important ministry of bishop. It is not a question of appointing functionaries to deal with religious issues, but of finding authentic shepherds according to the heart of Jesus, men committed to working generously in the service of God’s people, especially the poor and the most vulnerable. Men who take seriously the Lord’s words: “Whoever would become great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be the slave of all” (Mk 10:43-44). In this regard, it seems clear that an Agreement is merely an instrument, and not of itself capable of resolving all existing problems. Indeed, it will prove ineffective and unproductive, unless it is accompanied by a deep commitment to renewing personal attitudes and ecclesial forms of conduct.

6. On the pastoral level, the Catholic community in China is called to be united, so as to overcome the divisions of the past that have caused, and continue to cause great suffering in the hearts of many pastors and faithful. All Christians, none excluded, must now offer gestures of reconciliation and communion. In this regard, let us keep in mind the admonition of Saint John of the Cross: “In the evening of life, we will be judged on love” (Dichos, 64). On the civil and political level, Chinese Catholics must be good citizens, loving their homeland and serving their country with diligence and honesty, to the best of their ability. On the ethical level, they should be aware that many of their fellow citizens expect from them a greater commitment to the service of the common good and the harmonious growth of society as a whole. In particular, Catholics ought to make a prophetic and constructive contribution born of their faith in the kingdom of God. At times, this may also require of them the effort to offer a word of criticism, not out of sterile opposition, but for the sake of building a society that is more just, humane and respectful of the dignity of each person.

7. I now turn to you, my brother bishops, priests and consecrated persons who “serve the Lord with gladness” (Ps 100:2). Let us recognize one another as followers of Christ in the service of God’s people. Let us make pastoral charity the compass for our ministry. Let us leave behind past conflicts and attempts to pursue our own interests, and care for the faithful, making our own their joys and their sufferings. Let us work humbly for reconciliation and unity. With energy and enthusiasm, let us take up the path of evangelization indicated by the Second Vatican Ecumenical Council. To everyone, I say once more with great affection: “Let us be inspired to act by the example of all those priests, religious, and laity who devote themselves to proclamation and to serving others with great fidelity, often at the risk of their lives and certainly at the cost of their comfort. Their testimony reminds us that, more than bureaucrats and functionaries, the Church needs passionate missionaries, enthusiastic about sharing true life. The saints surprise us; they confound us, because by their lives they urge us to abandon a dull and dreary mediocrity” (Apostolic Exhortation Gaudete et Exsultate, 19 March 2018, 138). I ask you wholeheartedly to beg for the grace not to hesitate when the Spirit calls us to take a step forward: “Let us ask for the apostolic courage to share the Gospel with others and to stop trying to make our Christian life a museum of memories. In every situation, may the Holy Spirit cause us to contemplate history in the light of the risen Jesus. In this way, the Church will not stand still, but constantly welcome the Lord’s surprises” (ibid., 139).

8. In this year, when the entire Church celebrates the Synod on Young People, I would like to say a special word to you, young Chinese Catholics, who enter the gates of the house of the Lord “giving thanks [and] with songs of praise” (Ps 100:4). I ask you to cooperate in building the future of your country with the talents and gifts that you have received, and with the youthfulness of your faith. I encourage you to bring, by your enthusiasm, the joy of the Gospel to everyone you meet. Be ready to accept the sure guidance of the Holy Spirit, who shows today’s world the path to reconciliation and peace. Let yourselves be surprised by the renewing power of grace, even when it may seem that the Lord is asking more of you than you think you can give. Do not be afraid to listen to his voice as he calls you to fraternity, encounter, capacity for dialogue and forgiveness, and a spirit of service, regardless of the painful experiences of the recent past and wounds not yet healed. Open your hearts and minds to discern the merciful plan of God, who asks us to rise above personal prejudices and conflicts between groups and communities, in order to undertake a courageous fraternal journey in the light of an authentic culture of encounter. Nowadays there is no lack of temptations: the pride born of worldly success, narrow-mindedness and absorption in material things, as if God did not exist. Go against the flow and stand firm in the Lord: “for he is good; eternal is his merciful love; he is faithful from age to age” (Ps 100:5).

9. Dear brothers and sisters of the universal Church, all of us are called to recognize as one of the signs of our times everything that is happening today in the life of the Church in China. We have an important duty: to accompany our brothers and sisters in China with fervent prayer and fraternal friendship. Indeed, they need to feel that in the journey that now lies ahead, they are not alone. They need to be accepted and supported as a vital part of the Church. “How good and pleasant it is, when brothers dwell together in unity!” (Ps 133:1). Each local Catholic community in every part of the world should make an effort to appreciate and integrate the spiritual and cultural treasures proper to Chinese Catholics. The time has come to taste together the genuine fruits of the Gospel sown in the ancient “Middle Kingdom” and to raise to the Lord Jesus Christ a hymn of faith and thanksgiving, enriched by authentically Chinese notes.

10. I now turn with respect to the leaders of the People’s Republic of China and renew my invitation to continue, with trust, courage and farsightedness, the dialogue begun some time ago. I wish to assure them that the Holy See will continue to work sincerely for the growth of genuine friendship with the Chinese people. The present contacts between the Holy See and the Chinese government are proving useful for overcoming past differences, even those of the more recent past, and for opening a new chapter of more serene and practical cooperation, in the shared conviction that “incomprehension [serves] the interests of neither the Chinese people nor the Catholic Church in China” (BENEDICT XVI, Letter to Chinese Catholics, 27 May 2007, 4). In this way, China and the Apostolic See, called by history to an arduous yet exciting task, will be able to act more positively for the orderly and harmonious growth of the Catholic community in China. They will make efforts to promote the integral development of society by ensuring greater respect for the human person, also in the religious sphere, and will work concretely to protect the environment in which we live and to build a future of peace and fraternity between peoples. In China, it is essential that, also on the local level, relations between the leaders of ecclesial communities and the civil authorities become more productive through frank dialogue and impartial listening, so as to overcome antagonism on both sides. A new style of straightforward daily cooperation needs to develop between local authorities and ecclesiastical authorities – bishops, priests and community elders – in order to ensure that pastoral activities take place in an orderly manner, in harmony with the legitimate expectations of the faithful and the decisions of competent authorities. This will help make it clear that the Church in China is not oblivious to Chinese history, nor does she seek any privilege. Her aim in the dialogue with civil authorities is that of “building a relationship based on mutual respect and deeper understanding” (ibid.).

11. In the name of the whole Church, I beg the Lord for the gift of peace, and I invite all to join me in invoking the maternal protection of the Virgin Mary: Mother of Heaven, hear the plea of your children as we humbly call upon your name! Virgin of Hope, we entrust to you the journey of the faithful in the noble land of China. We ask you to present to the Lord of history the trials and tribulations, the petitions and the hopes of all those who pray to you, O Queen of Heaven! Mother of the Church, we consecrate to you the present and the future of our families and our communities. Protect and sustain them in fraternal reconciliation and in service to the poor who bless your name, O Queen of Heaven! Consolation of the Afflicted, we turn to you, for you are the refuge of all who weep amid their trials. Watch over your sons and daughters who praise your name; make them one in bringing the proclamation of the Gospel. Accompany their efforts to build a more fraternal world. Grant that they may bring the joy of forgiveness to all whom they meet, O Queen of Heaven! Mary, Help of Christians, for China we implore days of blessing and of peace. Amen! From the Vatican, 26 September 2018

FRANCIS

[shinelikethunder]

The opening of T.E. Lawrence’s “Seven Pillars of Wisdom”

Some of the evil of my tale may have been inherent in our circumstances. For years we lived anyhow with one another in the naked desert, under the indifferent heaven. By day the hot sun fermented us; and we were dizzied by the beating wind. At night we were stained by dew, and shamed into pettiness by the innumerable silences of stars. We were a self-centred army without parade or gesture, devoted to freedom, the second of man's creeds, a purpose so ravenous that it devoured all our strength, a hope so transcendent that our earlier ambitions faded in its glare.

As time went by our need to fight for the ideal increased to an unquestioning possession, riding with spur and rein over our doubts. Willy-nilly it became a faith. We had sold ourselves into its slavery, manacled ourselves together in its chain-gang, bowed ourselves to serve its holiness with all our good and ill content. The mentality of ordinary human slaves is terrible--they have lost the world--and we had surrendered, not body alone, but soul to the overmastering greed of victory. By our own act we were drained of morality, of volition, of responsibility, like dead leaves in the wind.

The everlasting battle stripped from us care of our own lives or of others'. We had ropes about our necks, and on our heads prices which showed that the enemy intended hideous tortures for us if we were caught. Each day some of us passed; and the living knew themselves just sentient puppets on God's stage: indeed, our taskmaster was merciless, merciless, so long as our bruised feet could stagger forward on the road. The weak envied those tired enough to die; for success looked so remote, and failure a near and certain, if sharp, release from toil. We lived always in the stretch or sag of nerves, either on the crest or in the trough of waves of feeling. This impotency was bitter to us, and made us live only for the seen horizon, reckless what spite we inflicted or endured, since physical sensation showed itself meanly transient. Gusts of cruelty, perversions, lusts ran lightly over the surface without troubling us; for the moral laws which had seemed to hedge about these silly accidents must be yet fainter words. We had learned that there were pangs too sharp, griefs too deep, ecstasies too high for our finite selves to register. When emotion reached this pitch the mind choked; and memory went white till the circumstances were humdrum once more.

Such exaltation of thought, while it let adrift the spirit, and gave it licence in strange airs, lost it the old patient rule over the body. The body was too coarse to feel the utmost of our sorrows and of our joys. Therefore, we abandoned it as rubbish: we left it below us to march forward, a breathing simulacrum, on its own unaided level, subject to influences from which in normal times our instincts would have shrunk. The men were young and sturdy; and hot flesh and blood unconsciously claimed a right in them and tormented their bellies with strange longings. Our privations and dangers fanned this virile heat, in a climate as racking as can be conceived. We had no shut places to be alone in, no thick clothes to hide our nature. Man in all things lived candidly with man.

The Arab was by nature continent; and the use of universal marriage had nearly abolished irregular courses in his tribes. The public women of the rare settlements we encountered in our months of wandering would have been nothing to our numbers, even had their raddled meat been palatable to a man of healthy parts. In horror of such sordid commerce our youths began indifferently to slake one another's few needs in their own clean bodies--a cold convenience that, by comparison, seemed sexless and even pure. Later, some began to justify this sterile process, and swore that friends quivering together in the yielding sand with intimate hot limbs in supreme embrace, found there hidden in the darkness a sensual co-efficient of the mental passion which was welding our souls and spirits in one flaming effort. Several, thirsting to punish appetites they could not wholly prevent, took a savage pride in degrading the body, and offered themselves fiercely in any habit which promised physical pain or filth.

I was sent to these Arabs as a stranger, unable to think their thoughts or subscribe their beliefs, but charged by duty to lead them forward and to develop to the highest any movement of theirs profitable to England in her war. If I could not assume their character, I could at least conceal my own, and pass among them without evident friction, neither a discord nor a critic but an unnoticed influence. Since I was their fellow, I will not be their apologist or advocate. To-day in my old garments, I could play the bystander, obedient to the sensibilities of our theatre . . . but it is more honest to record that these ideas and actions then passed naturally. What now looks wanton or sadistic seemed in the field inevitable, or just unimportant routine.

Blood was always on our hands: we were licensed to it. Wounding and killing seemed ephemeral pains, so very brief and sore was life with us. With the sorrow of living so great, the sorrow of punishment had to be pitiless. We lived for the day and died for it. When there was reason and desire to punish we wrote our lesson with gun or whip immediately in the sullen flesh of the sufferer, and the case was beyond appeal. The desert did not afford the refined slow penalties of courts and gaols.

[terreisa]

The Savior and The Scoundrel: Show Must Go On

Emma has had a few titles attributed to her in her life: princess, captain, pirate but none sat so heavily on her shoulders as Savior. When fate forces her to step into the role prophesied before her birth the only saving she wants to do is to bring back the man she loves. Fulfilling the Prophecy along the way is an additional reward. Sequel to A Crown and A Captain.

Prologue, Ch 1

ff.net, AO3

“Emma, would you sit, please?  If only for a moment?”

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes Emma half heeded her mother’s request by coming to a stop at the desk she had been pacing in front of and that her mother was sitting behind.  The constant need to move was a new habit, one that kept the shake of her hand at bay and had the added advantage of keeping her from finally talking to Snow.  Her guilt at avoiding one of few people she loved more than anything was only offset by her fear of once more growing close to her mother and then losing her all over again.

It had only been a week since they had sailed away from Snow’s island prison.  Emma felt as if she had used every excuse, from dealing with the single surviving guard in the brig to writing mundane entries in the Captain’s log, in a vain attempt to escape the inevitable.  She hadn’t had to come up with so many different reasons to avoid a conversation since Red had somehow smelled that she had been in bed with a man decidedly not sleeping when she was seventeen.  As embarrassing as the ensuing lecture about propriety and caution had been she would have sat through ten more just like it rather than explain exactly the type of woman her mother’s darling princess had grown up to be.

Emma had given Snow the captain’s cabin and allowed her to move freely about the ship, giving her mother the opportunity to see what she had honed over their separation.  Gone were the refined manners, the docile tone of voice, the dignified poise and in their place were stern commands to be followed, orders and praise equally barked out over the sound of waves and wind, and stalking from stem to stern with sturdy steps and working just as hard as the crew beneath her in rank.  All of that she was proud of, it was the life she had made for herself from the ashes of her old one, and yet it was just the varnished facade of the life she had truly been leading.  The one where revenge was her sole motivation and only Red and Pinocchio had kept her from blackening her heart.

When she had escaped from what she believed to be Regina she had just been beginning to understand the ramifications of being the future Queen of Misthaven would have been on her life.  Her lessons in arithmetic had slowly changed from mere numbers to problems involving crop yields and populations shifts, the ones in geography became studies of various kingdom’s resources and accessibility around or through various natural obstacles, and history had shifted from general knowledge of the realm’s past to pointed lessons on diplomacy between their allies and the fragile truce with their enemies.  She had no longer been allowed to travel alone or with only Pinocchio as her companion, instead ordered to take no less than three guards with her at all times and sternly warned against trying to leave them behind.  Then there were the suitors: flattering poetic letters sent with lavish gifts from far away princes, the sons of lords and dukes sent from all corners of their kingdom under the guise of paying their family’s respects to their rulers, and even a few older lords and dukes themselves making a play for power and for a young, attractive wife at the same time.  It had all rankled at her, chains that she hadn’t agreed to binding her, and she had foolishly wished at the time that she could be free of it all.

When she was unexpectedly forced into that freedom it was nothing like the fantasies she’d dreamed up as one tutor or another droned on.  She had been running for her life, hiding in caves and under thick bushes with Red and Pinocchio, all while soldiers tore apart villages and burned down farms looking for her.  The first stirrings of vengeance had come as she had stood over a broken doll in the middle of a pothole ridden dirt road leading away from yet another destroyed village.  The people had been in hiding, they could sense them on the edges of the woods and behind twitching curtains, and all Emma could do was stare at the wooden doll, its arm missing and a vicious crack through its roughly carved face.  It was then that she vowed to make Regina pay and not with the lenient punishments her parents had given before.

Emma had carried that vow with her as she went from innocent girl to a hardened woman and sloughed off her princess sensibilities to embrace the pirate.  It was the promise she made before she went to sleep at night after successful pillages and when she woke up to news of Misthaven ships on the horizon.  She never harmed the sailors she fought against, knowing that they’re loyalty was keeping them and their families alive.  Instead she hoarded every tale of injustice that reached her ears like the gold she stole pushing them into a place that only she had access to.  For ten years she had kept her righteous fury burning, stoking the fire as more and more reports reached her of Misthaven’s suffering and Regina’s cruelty, waiting for the opportune moment to strike when Killian had sailed self righteously into her life.

She had wanted to hate him with every fiber of her being when she had first laid eyes on him.  He had, however, forced her to reevaluate everything she thought she believed in, including herself.  It was as she was falling in love with him that she began to believe that not only could she regain her kingdom but could do so without becoming something she loathed in the process.  Killian had gone on to prove it to her after being dealt his own blows by Zelena’s hand and continuing to be a good man even as he was preparing for a war that wasn’t his to wage.

Somehow she couldn’t find the words to explain that it all shaped her into the woman she was, practically a stranger, when she was standing in front of her mother fidgeting like she did every time Snow was preparing to scold her about her unroyal-like behavior.

“I’m not the daughter you raised,” Emma blurted out.

Snow winced and Emma mirrored her, mentally berating herself for saying the one thing that could drive them further apart.

“I know that,” Snow said softly, looking down at her hands.

“I mean, I am but not?” Emma winced again.  She resumed pacing, “It’s been a long time and I’ve done things, good and bad, but not exactly what a future queen would do.  Red did her best but we were on the run and there was only so much she could do.”

“I know-”

“But you don’t.  I curse, a lot, and I eat with my elbows on the table while drinking ale but mostly rum.  I don’t rule over a kingdom but I do run command of a ship.  A pirate ship.  I’m a pirate or I was but I’m also the princess who can remember the proper protocol for greeting foreign dignitaries and which fork goes with which course.  I’ve stolen and been greedy but I’ve also tried to do some good.  I- I just can’t be what you think I am,” Emma finished sadly, once more coming to a stop in front of the desk but not looking at Snow unable to face the disappointment her mother must be feeling.

“Emma, sit down,” Snow commanded.

Emma sat immediately stunned to hear a tone of voice she hadn’t heard in a long time, even longer than the span of time that she hadn’t seen her mother.  They had been separated for a decade but Snow still seemed to know exactly how to get her to fall in line.  She looked up hesitantly at Snow and saw she was smiling sadly at her.

“I may have been locked away from you but I’m still your mother and I love you, no matter what you’ve done.  If you had stopped for a moment and talked to me you would know that,” Snow said it gently but the rebuke still stung. “I want to know who you are now and I want to know what you’ve done since our separation, both the good and the bad.  I just want to get to know you again, sweetheart.”

“Captain Swan,” Emma said with a smile, one that grew wider at her mother’s confused look. “When I started sailing I called myself Swan.”

“It suits you,” Snow said with a tilt of her head.  A flash of pain clouded her eyes and she frowned, “Your father?  Is he-”

“He’s alive, but-” Emma tried to assure her but her voice was unsteady and she could feel the tremors starting in her hand.  She had not only been avoiding telling Snow about her life but about the curse and her role in breaking it, “There was a curse.  Zelena cast it and I’m not sure exactly what it did but we keep hearing that Misthaven is in ruins and everyone has disappeared.  Dad was kept in the castle’s dungeons, he was most likely swept up in the curse just like Kil- just like everyone else.”

“Zelena?  What kind of curse?  Emma, what kind of curse?” Snow asked agitated.

“I- I don’t know,” Emma said taken aback. “Zelena, she’s Regina’s sister apparently and said she was getting what she deserved.  Her happy ending.”

“No,” Snow breathed out sounding horrified. “It’s been so many years, we should have been safe.  I thought we were safe.”

“You knew,” Emma said accusingly. “You knew about me being this ‘Savior’ and kept it from me?  Did you know about the curse too?  About what it would do?”

“We knew,” Snow said defeated, hanging her head. “The Dark One warned us about a curse that would stop time and take away our happy endings.  We made preparations but it never came.  We never wanted to find out why and just end up provoking Regina into casting it.  Every year that went by where nothing happened we felt relief, joy that we were spared.  Then, I guess, we became complacent.

“Your magic was so strong, even when you were a baby.  It was enough of a burden for you to grow up with.  Your father and I decided you didn’t need to know about the prophecy, your fate, when there was nothing to save us from.  Then Regina attacked and we were torn apart.  For the past eleven years I have spent every day wondering if what we did was right, if we should have prepared you better even when we believed we were safe.  I know now that it wouldn’t have mattered, you were always destined to save us.”

“Fuck destiny and fate and prophecies that don’t give me a choice.  I didn’t ask for any of this, I don’t want it!  All I wanted was to find you and Dad, to go back home, to be happy with-” Emma paused, fighting against the tears gathering in her eyes.  She had yet to utter Killian’s name aloud since telling Elsa what had happened with Zelena.  She wasn’t about to do so to Snow who knew next to nothing about who she had become, “-to be happy with my life again.  Although, I guess it was never my life in the end, just a pawn being moved about at the whims of others.”

“Emma-”

“If you’ll excuse me, I need to make sure we’re still on course,” Emma said stiffly.

Stalking from the captain’s cabin at a clipped pace she longed for the Brooke.  She knew every inch of her ship and thus every dark corner she could disappear to in order to control her emotions.  Her only knowledge of the ship she was on that benefitted her need for isolation was that there was no one stationed in the crow’s nest.  With determination she made her way there, ignoring the salutes and stares of the crew in her wake.

After an hour of what she refused to acknowledge as hiding she climbed back down, windswept and in control of her temper and the shake in her hand.  Snow was nowhere in sight.  Emma took a deep breath and made her way back to the cabin.

“We were never explicitly told what the curse did.  The Dark One spoke in riddles, as he’s wont to do, and I was pregnant with you at the time.”

Snow began speaking as soon as Emma walked through the door, as if she hadn’t stormed out in a fit of pique.  Keeping quiet Emma sat down and promised herself she would listen.

“You have to remember it was a long time ago,” Snow said apologetically, glancing at Emma before focusing on the desk in front of her.  Emma realized she was looking down at a piece of parchment with covered with familiar looping quill strokes, “He said we’d be imprisoned but not in a cell.  Somewhere where time would stop and there wouldn’t be any happy endings.  That’s all he would tell us about the curse.  Then he told us about you, how we had to send you away and you would come back to save us, on your twenty-eighth birthday.  I gave him your name as payment but I don’t know what he was going to use it for.  The curse never came and we had no reason to seek his advice again.  I’m sorry, I don’t know anything more.”

“Zelena would only say that it was going to give her the happy ending she deserved,” Emma said shakily, going back to those fateful moments in the library. “She said it was the Dark Curse and crushed a heart to do it.  I barely escaped.”

“Where did she cast it?” Snow asked, finally looking up at her.

“At our castle.  We tried to stop her but her magic was too… it was too strong,” Emma finished on a whisper, the image of Zelena’s hand deep in her chest flashing before her eyes.

“Then we have to go back,” Snow said determinedly.

“What?”

“There could be answers there or a clue, something you might have missed,”  Snow flipped over the parchment in front of her and grabbed a quill from its holder. She began writing, “We’ll need to determine if there are any other curses that require hearts.  It could help us narrow down exactly what this Dark Curse did.  Write down everything you remember about her casting it: smells, colors, sounds, anything.  When we get there we’ll be able to discover more and possibly what happened.”

“I-I don’t want to go back there,” Emma said desperately, a cold panic seizing her.

“What?  Why not?  Everything we need to know could be there, perhaps the answers could be in one of the books.  Why wouldn’t you want to go back and find out?” Snow’s brow creased as she peered at Emma confused and with a bit of hurt in her eyes.

“I just… can’t go back there.  Not after-” Emma’s voice broke and she found she couldn’t continue.

“Not after what, sweetheart?” Snow prodded.

“I’ve lost so much in that castle.  First it was you and Dad, our lives, our home.  Then I nearly lost my heart,” Emma patted at her chest, tears gathering. “This stupid, useless thing that keeps beating even after everything, everyone, else was ripped away.  We can find the answers somewhere else.  I won’t go back there and risk losing you too.”

“What is his name?” Snow asked softly.

“Wh-what?”

“His name, Emma,” Snow smiled sadly at her. “I may have missed some things in your life but I know love when I see it.  What is his name?”

Emma jumped guiltily.  She was sure she had been careful not to mention anyone her mother wouldn’t know.  Especially him.

“Kil-Killian.  His name is Killian and he’s gone.  He made me go without him, to leave him behind to suffer whatever that witch did to hi-him an-and I don-don’t know if I can sa-save him.”

For the second time since she’d reunited with her mother Emma burst into tears..  Snow rushed to her side and once again gathered her in her arms as she sobbed.

Her tears ended as quickly as they started, like a summer squall that passed over the Brooke soaking them to the bone before moving on with a gust of wind.  She was left hiccupping in Snow’s embrace, listening to her whisper reassurances in her ear.

“Shh, sweetheart, you’ll find him.  Just like your father found me and I him.  How you found me.  We’ll find everyone, it’s what we do,” Snow murmured as she ran a soothing hand over her hair.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Emma said haltingly. “The scouts said that Misthaven was in ruins, no one left, they just vanished.  There’s been no word from anywhere else in the realm that they’ve been seen.”

“Then we’ll start with that,” Snow said encouragingly.  She pulled back and gently wiped the tear tracks from Emma’s cheeks, “You can tell me everything on our way back to Misthaven.”

“Everything?” Emma asked apprehensively.

“Perhaps not everything,” Snow said with a smirk.

Emma flushed knowing what her mother was implying but somehow unwilling to share that she hadn’t gone that far with Killian.  A decision she still wasn’t sure if she regretted or not.  Sleeping with him could have given her more memories to hold onto tightly as she tried to find her way back to his side or caused her infinitely more pain knowing exactly what had been torn away.  In the late hours of the night both scenarios kept her awake in her bunk, staring uneasily into the darkness.

“The kingdom wasn’t how I remember it.  Even before the Dark Curse.  You, we, need to be prepared for that,” Emma warned Snow.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve reclaimed my throne, sweetheart.  We’ll handle the problems as we come across them, not over worry ourselves before then.”

She blinked, amazed, at Snow’s confidence, “Then I’ll tell Andersen to set our heading.  It should take us two weeks to arrive at the port closest to the castle.”

Snow gave her a wide smile.  Emma returned it hesitantly, still uneasy about the decision to return to Misthaven but knowing in her gut it was the right one.  She stood and moved towards the door, pausing when Snow called after her:

“Emma.”

She turned back and was surprised to see tears standing in her mother’s eyes.

“I know it hasn’t been easy, all this time on the run, fighting back.  I want you to know, from this bandit to you, a pirate captain, that I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become.  You’ll be a wonderful queen someday.”

Giving her what she hoped was a grateful smile Emma left the cabin quickly, knowing it seemed like she was escaping.  She had yet to come to terms with her role as some kind of fated magical savior.  Her future as a queen was almost too outlandish to contemplate.  It didn’t escape her notice that her hand had remained steady throughout their conversation.

Over the two weeks it took to reach Misthaven Emma did what she hadn’t wanted to do when she had found her mother: she shared her story.

It came out in fits and starts.  Snow listened quiet and attentive as Emma told her of how she escaped the castle with Red, Pinocchio and the dwarves, the year or so they tried to live as bandits and then their decision to flee the kingdom altogether.  She laughed as she remembered their first mistake ridden sailing adventure and settled into fond remembrance as she regaled her mother with stories of finding out she had a knack for it, and for attacking Misthaven ships.

They were three days out when Emma finally began telling Snow about how Killian came into her life and the whirlwind of events that had happened in the past year.  As the weeks had passed it had been easier for her to talk, to tell things to her mother she hadn’t wanted to at first but as she spoke of Killian she kept his true status to herself.  Not because she was ashamed but because it truly didn’t matter to her that Killian was a royal in his own right.  She merely didn’t want to unnecessarily open up the conversation to her future as queen.  Especially when there was currently no kingdom for her to rule.

“I haven’t seen this view in a very long time,” Snow said in a wavering voice as she came up to Emma’s side at the bow of the ship.

“Neither have I,” Emma murmured, continuing to look at the Misthaven coastline as it grew larger on the horizon. “I didn’t dare bring the Brooke this close.  Not only because of Regina, or I guess Zelena, but because it hurt too much.  Red didn’t even suggest it, not once.”

“It still looks as beautiful as I remember.  The first time I saw our kingdom like this was a year or so before my mother died,” Snow said quietly, almost wistfully.  Emma lowered the spyglass to look at her, “We had been visiting, oh I can’t even remember which kingdom, but we had sailed for weeks and weeks it felt like.  It was the first official trip I’d taken where I had been expected to act as a princess should.  At first I was so proud, happy even, to show just how grown up and proper I was.  By the time we returned and I saw Misthaven like this again I was ready to run off and be travelling minstrel.  My father pointed out I didn’t even know how to play a simple wooden flute.”

Snow laughed and Emma joined her, imagining her mother roaming the kingdom with a flute in one hand and her bow in the other.

“So much has happened since then.  Almost too much,” Snow sighed sadly. “I never wanted you to experience anything like I had.  I’m so sorry, Emma.”

“It’s not your fault,” Emma said aghast.  Snow dropped her eyes as if she didn’t believe her, “I never blamed you, not once.  This was all Zelena’s fault and Regina’s too.  They’re the reason for everything we’ve had to deal with, for all of our suffering.  Not you, never you.”

Snow hummed, neither in agreement or negation, and turned to look back toward the horizon.  Emma stared unbelievingly at her mother.  She wondered what exactly had been running through Snow’s thoughts during her long imprisonment and what part Zelena had played in shaping them.  One more thing for the woman to answer for once Emma confronted her again.

They approached the harbor with caution.  It quickly became apparent to Emma that she’d have to set anchor well outside the safety of the port.  Debris was butting up against the hull as Emma ordered the ship to slow to a crawl.  Even from their position still far out at sea it was all too easy to see the destruction caused by the curse.

The entire harbor looked as though a giant had stormed down from his beanstalk and used the ships as his playthings.  Every ship had snapped free of its moorings and only a few were left afloat.  The others were broken and battered, half sunk or smashed to bits contributing to the debris field that expanded with the coming and going of the tide.

Through her spyglass Emma saw that the village hadn’t fared much better than the ships.  More rooftops than she could count were collapsed, windows blown out as the glass glittered in the midday sun, signs and even some doors ripped off their hinges laying splintered on the cobblestones or propped up like grave markers.  It was hard to tell what originated from the force of the curse and what was exacerbated by the months that had passed.

Aside from the flocks of gulls and a few crows there were no other signs of life.  She had seen plenty of ports after a violent storm and it was disconcerting to not see a single person trying to set things to right.  Most alarming of all was the unnatural stillness in the village.  Even the birds hardly stirred, their intermittent calls pierced the heavy silence that blanketed the ship as they approached.

Emma gave the order to drop anchor, “My mother and I will go ashore with a small party.  From there we’ll continue on foot while the others gather what supplies they can to at least make it to a welcoming port.  Hold your tongues about your purpose there, if you must say something explain that you’re making a report for Queen Elsa for new trade routes.  It’s routine and shouldn’t arouse too much suspicion.  After that head straight back to Arendelle.  Andersen is your captain now.”

There was a beat of silence before Andersen spoke up, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, your- er- Captain.  Queen Elsa-”

“Is fully aware and supportive of this plan,” Emma cut in.  She didn’t need the crew questioning her decision or Andersen’s near slip of her true status. “Prepare a boat.  We leave in thirty.”

Leaving the crew to follow her orders she went below deck.  Snow was close behind and they moved about the captain’s cabin in relative silence.  It was only when Emma noticed Snow fiddling with the bow and quiver full of arrows she had given her that she paused.

“Emma, are you sure that you don’t want a few members of the crew to come with us?” Snow asked, not for the first time since Emma had told her of the plan.

“Mom, I’ve told you,” she said with waning patience. “While I trust them they’re ultimately loyal to Elsa and Arendelle.  I won’t drag them into this by ordering them to remain at my side.  Not when they have the chance to return to their families with stories to tell of their time with us instead of scars.”

“This isn’t only our fight, Emma.  You don’t need to do this alone,” Snow argued.

“I’m not doing it alone, I have you,” Emma said with a wide grin that only faltered slightly when Snow frowned at her.  She slung her pack over her shoulder, “They should be ready for us.”

She turned and left the cabin before Snow could respond or argue further.  The last thing she wanted to do was get into a fight with her mother over something she wasn’t willing to budge on.  Especially when they’d have no one but each other for company for the foreseeable future.

The boat was ready when Emma emerged on deck.  She was relieved.  If Andersen had decided to go against her orders she would have had to resort to drastic measures.  It wouldn’t have turned out well for any of them or her friendship with Elsa if she’d had to use her magic to guarantee that she’d make it to shore.  Before she could praise their efficiency Andersen pulled her away from the bustling on deck to the somewhat quiet helm.

“I’m going to put in my report to Queen Elsa that I am thoroughly against this plan.  It’s a reckless, dangerous, and absolutely foolish course of action.  Even more so when you refuse to elaborate what you intend to do once you leave that village.  You and your mother are the last of your line.  Your priority should be restoring your kingdom and securing your legacy.  Not frolicking off into the woods on some sort of fool’s errand.”

Emma couldn’t have been more shocked if he had slapped her.  Andersen had quickly figured out who Snow was when they had rescued her and subsequently realized what that made Emma.  He had tried to confront her about it multiple times over the weeks but she had rebuffed him every time, thankful that he had kept his revelations to himself.  She could see that it had been a colossal mistake on her part.

“How dare you speak to your captain and heir to the throne of Misthaven in that way!” Snow’s voice resounded from across the deck, every syllable ringing with authority.  Emma thought she could hear the commanding tone echoing throughout the village. “You are meant to follow orders without question, are you not?”

“Ye- yes, Your Majesty,” Andersen stuttered, clearly caught off guard by Snow dropping all pretense and dressing him down as the Queen of Misthaven.

“You have insulted not only my daughter and myself but your own Queen as well with your assumptions as to what should or shouldn’t be done.  When your crew has returned with what supplies they’ve found you will leave and never return under threat of imprisonment,” Snow’s green eyes snapped with anger as she looked over the crew that was watching her with trepidation. She turned back to Andersen, “You are hereby banished from Misthaven by my order.  Is that understood?”

“Yes Your Majesty,” Andersen said weakly, ashen and swaying slightly as though he might faint.

“Good,” Snow said tersely.  She made her way over to the rowboat that was waiting to be launched, “Shall we?”

Emma gaped at her mother as she climbed gracefully into the boat.  The crew scrambled to their positions, four of them joining Snow as the others prepared to lower the boat to the water.  Without sparing a glance at Andersen Emma made her way across the deck and was stunned to see Snow trying to hide a proud grin.  She clambered into the boat with less finesse than Snow did and signaled for them to be lowered, trying very hard not to catch her mother’s eye because she knew the moment she did she would start laughing and most likely never stop.

Her mirth died the instant the rowboat touched the water.  The view they’d had of the destruction from aboard the ship had been removed, even as they had slowly sailed through it.  Emma felt as if she was in the heart of it as the sailors in charge of the oars began to row them away from the ship and towards the shore.  They had no choice but to move through the water slowly as Emma and the two not rowing bent over the sides of the boat to push debris out of their way.  She couldn’t look at Snow and the tears that were falling steadily from her eyes.

It took over an hour for them to make it to shore and to find a suitable place to unload themselves.  Nearly every pier in the harbor was gone, only thick wooden pilings sticking out of the water to indicate where they had once been.  Finally she spotted a ladder that led to the water and ordered them moor the boat there.  The shortest among them would have to jump to reach the bottom rung but it was better than nothing.

She was the last to climb the ladder and was therefore the last to face what remained of the village.  Killian had told her of his small adventure to sneak on the Jewel when he had last been in Misthaven and she had asked him to describe the village in as much detail as he could remember.  His words had painted a full and vibrant picture in her mind.  To see the stark, broken reality in front of her felt like a knife to the stomach, the sharp bloom of pain in her gut that radiated a pulsing sick heat over her body.

They picked their way through the village carefully, worried that any wrong move might cause everything to collapse.  Without many of the signs indicating what building originally housed what they cautiously investigated every one slowly accumulating small jars of pickled goods that had yet to turn.  It was far from enough but Emma was confident with rationing and favorable winds the ship and its crew would make it to the next port without too much suffering.  For her and Snow, however, she hoped that the game in the woods would be far more plentiful.

It was late afternoon by the time they had scoured through all the promising looking buildings.  The road leading out of the village was clear, something Emma found oddly fitting as she stared off to where it disappeared into the forest.  Snow cleared her throat delicately beside her bringing her focus back to the group.

“This is- uh- where we’ll part ways,” Emma said hesitantly.  She was no longer their captain and even though they knew she was a princess she wasn’t exactly sure she wanted to start ordering people about as one.  She looked at the four sailors in front of her, “I know your perception of who I am has changed but I want you to know that all of you, along with your fellow sailors, were one of the finest crews I’ve sailed with.  Give my regards to the others and tell them I wish them smooth sailing back to Arendelle.”

“Andersen’s banishment does not extend to anyone else,” Snow chimed in quickly with a genuine smile. “If any of you reaches the rank of captain your ship will be well received here.  Once we’ve restored everything to how it should be, of course.”

Three of the sailors shuffled their feet.  Emma couldn’t tell if it was because they were uncomfortable with Snow’s invitation or if they were just eager to return to the ship.  The fourth was looking at Snow with a curious tilt to her head.

“Go ahead and go back,” Emma said genially.  She kept an eye on the curious sailor, “If you make good time you’ll be well on your way to a more bountiful port before night falls.”

“I’d like to remain behind and continue on with you, Your Highness,” the fourth sailor said switching her gaze to Emma.

“I won’t have you abandoning your post, sailor,” Emma said sternly. “You’ve sworn to serve Elsa- Queen Elsa- as a member of her Royal Navy and you’ll continue to do so.  Understood?”

“All due respect, Your Highness, but I’ve made no such vow.  I was hired on by Andersen as an able body that could follow orders and had some sailing knowledge.  My allegiance is not to Arendelle or her Queen,” the woman said as she squared her shoulders to stand tall in front of her.

Emma regarded her carefully.  Her face wasn’t a familiar one.  Not from her time sailing through various ports and cities or from her long lost life as a princess where people of all statures paraded through the castle halls.  She was older than Emma by about ten or so years with light brown hair and while she was pretty it wasn’t a face that would catch someone’s eye and hold their attention.  Curiously the only thing that truly stood out about her was the barely hidden pain in her dark brown eyes.  One that Emma was almost certain had surfaced the moment they had stepped foot on dry land.

“Who is your allegiance to then?” Emma asked slowly, already guessing what the woman’s answer would be.

“I was born and raised in Misthaven. My loyalties are with you and your mother,” the woman bowed her head towards Snow respectfully and then looked back at Emma. “I’d like to help restore the kingdom to the one I remember.  The one I loved.”

“It won’t be easy,” Emma said bluntly, ignoring her mother’s frown. “There are things we won’t be able to tell you and the things we do will become your burdens to bear with us.  If we allow you to come with us you need to trust us with your life as we’ll trust you with ours.  Do you understand?”

“I do,” the woman answered without hesitation.

“Good,” Emma gave her a grim but genuine smile.  She turned to the other sailors, “You’re dismissed.  Unless of course someone else wants to come along.”

She was amused and unsurprised when they shook their heads almost in unison.  They gave her and Snow perfunctory bows before beating a hasty retreat back towards the docks, the sound of clinking jars accompanying them as they went.  Emma watched them go with only a hint of envy that they could so easily choose which path for their future to take  She banished the thought quickly before her hand could start to tremble.

“What’s your name?” Snow asked.

“Grace, Your Majesty,” the woman answered, bobbing down into a small curtsey.

“None of that now,” Snow said, waving her hand. “No curtseys, bows or ‘your majesties’.  Not with what we’re about to face.  Call me Snow.”

“When was the last time you were in Misthaven?”  Emma broke in before Snow could offer Grace a cup of tea they had no means of providing.

“Almost two years ago.  I spent some time in Camelot and Balliolshire before heading to Arendelle,” Grace answered quickly, obviously eager to prove she was going to be helpful in any way she could.

“Well then congratulations, Grace, you’ve just become Misthaven’s royal historian.  Or should I say only historian?” Emma joked, grimacing as it fell flat.  She sighed, “Tell us all you can remember while we walk.”

“Where are we going, Captain?”

Emma smiled, glad that Grace hadn’t exactly followed Snow’s order, “Home, of course.  If I remember correctly you’ll have a day or two to tell us what we’ve missed while we’ve been gone.”

“And when we get there?” Grace asked cautiously.

“When we get there,” Emma repeated quietly looking to Snow for support.

Her mother gave her a watery smile as she adjusted the bow resting across her body.  Emma turned to look at the road that led towards the castle, pushing back the memory of the last time she’d seen it when Killian had been at her side.  It was too painful to continue otherwise.

“When we get there,” Emma said once more with strength behind her words, “That’s when we really start getting our hands dirty.  Still up for joining us?”

“Absolutely,” Grace said with conviction from behind her.

“Then let’s get going.  We still have some daylight to take advantage of.  It would be a shame to waste it.”

Taking a deep breath Emma started down the road.  The first few steps she still felt the urge to turn around and return to the ship with the other sailors, contention with Andersen be damned.  Then she heard the confident footsteps of Snow and Grace following her and she realized that for better or worse she had chosen her path long before she even realized there was a choice to be made.  Her path would always lead her to Killian and she would be damned if she allowed anything, even herself, to get in her way.

If you’d like to be tagged so you don’t miss future chapters let me know.

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Foreclosure Lawyer Salt Lake City Utah

If you are facing foreclosure, speak to an experienced foreclosure lawyer in Salt Lake City, Utah to know if filing for bankruptcy is an option for you.

The practice of pledging property as security, essential in the acquisition of rights in land and improvements through borrowing, is as old and as ubiquitous as property itself. In its simplest form a pledge is signified by the pawn ticket; in real estate financing it has become elaborate, formal, and rigid.

The most common instrument to pledge an interest in land and improvements is known as a “mortgage.” In its earliest form in Anglo-Saxon communities, the mortgage was a deed, that is, it transferred to the creditor both title and possession or occupancy. This deed, however, contained a defeasance clause which provided that if the debtor faithfully and punctually performed his obligations, the title, possession, and occupancy pledged would revert to him and the entire transfer would be null and void. If the pledge was redeemed, the transaction was dead, and the debtor recovered his rights.

Today, the mortgage is essentially unchanged in form, but its content and effect have been radically modified. Now, as a result of legislation and court decision, any instrument the purpose of which, either expressed or reasonably implied, is to pledge rights in land and improvements as security for the performance of obligations, is a mortgage; and “once a mortgage, always a mortgage.” Even though the defeasance clause be purposely omitted, if the intent of the parties can reasonably be interpreted as that of pledging rights as security, the instrument and its effect are as though the defeasance clause were included.

In addition, the transaction no longer transfers use and occupancy. In effect, after the transaction, the debtor remains in possession the same as before; and the rights of the creditor become enforceable only upon the debtor’s default in meeting the obligations. In other words, the mortgage gives the creditor a lien against the rights of the debtor, enforceable only after default.

Through the years, the rights of the creditor have become further modified. He no longer comes into full possession of the rights of the debtor, even after default. Instead, he has only the right to demand that the pledged property be offered for sale to satisfy the obligation. If at the sale the obligation is satisfied, the creditor has no further interest. Unless he becomes the purchaser at the foreclosure sale, the interest of the creditor in the pledged property becomes extinguished with foreclosure and sale. He may have other recourse on a bond or note which the mortgage secures, but his rights under the mortgage are exhausted.

It must be emphasized that the interest of the creditor in the property pledged by the mortgage can be enforced only in the future; so long as the obligations of the debtor, under the terms of the agreement, are discharged, the latter has possession and use of the pledged property, free of any interference by the creditor, unless the agreement provides otherwise. Because of his interest, however, the creditor does have an equitable right which enables him to prevent dissipation of the pledged property; otherwise, its management remains in the hands of the debtor until he has defaulted.

Within the framework of such general rules of law or equity, so firmly established as accompaniments of the relationship of mortgagor and mortgagee that they cannot be waived even by agreement, the provisions of the mortgage instrument establish and determine the obligations of the debtor. They may also limit or enlarge the powers and privileges of the mortgagee. In general, any provision may be included by agreement which does not forfeit in advance basic rights of the mortgagor. These are protected as a matter of public policy because the debtor is sometimes a necessitous borrower. As such, he is protected against forfeiture in advance of the right to reclaim his pledge and, in most jurisdictions, against the extortion of an unconscionable rate of interest. The term of the loan (the time or times, place, and manner of its repayment), the rate of interest within the maximum, with reasonable penalties for not meeting payments on the due date, or allowances for payments made in advance of their due date, and readjustments or changes in the scheduled payments which may come into effect in certain specified contingencies, these and many other details may be provided for in an agreement embodied in the mortgage instrument.

Within the limitations of law, then, there is ample opportunity for adapting the mortgage instrument to the circumstances peculiar to each transaction. Once executed, its provisions can be changed only by mutual consent, but in its preparation the mortgage instrument is susceptible of great adaptability. Much of its rigidity is the unnecessary result of custom or the routine use of standardized provisions.

Homeownership is heralded for its financial benefits, and indeed, homes are the largest asset of most Americans. But homeownership also comes with burdens. For almost a century, government and private entities have measured the burden of homeownership by relying on ratios of households’ housing costs to their incomes. Government entities have used housing cost ratios for many purposes, including most recently as guideposts for loan modifications aimed at preventing foreclosure. Private sector institutions, including the mortgage industry, have used such ratios to determine whether households are qualified for home mortgage loans and to determine loan amounts.

Housing cost burdens are crucial measures of the financial well-being of Americans. For most families, the cost of housing is their single largest expenditure.1 If households spend a disproportionate share of their incomes on housing, then they may not have enough money for other expenses, such as health care, child care, or transportation, that are essential for a decent standard of living. Homeowners who spend a high fraction of their incomes on mortgage payments and related housing costs also are at a higher risk for default and foreclosure. Because housing consumes a disproportionate share of their incomes, these families have limited budget flexibility to respond to increases in expenses and may be at heightened risk of financial distress.

The U.S. housing market meltdown of the late 2000s—driven quite significantly by mortgage defaults of households with unaffordable loans— sparked much debate about mortgage underwriting standards and the risks of homeownership.

Since 2007, the United States has been in a home foreclosure crisis. Many home mortgages made between 2001 and 2007, either for purchase or refinance, were subprime or nontraditional loans that included features like adjustable interest rates and optional payment amounts. Borrowers may not have fully understood these complex terms and certainly could not manage the escalating payments in an economy of widespread unemployment and declining home prices. Such loans have caused millions of families to lose their American Dream of homeownership, have cost investors billions of dollars, and have pushed the entire economy into a downward spiral. Experts predict that more than half of all subprime mortgages granted after 2000 will end in foreclosure.

Plummeting home values and rising unemployment have spread the pain beyond subprime borrowers. Many prime borrowers with fixed-rate loans now owe more on their mortgages than their homes are worth and cannot afford the ongoing payments.

In their first years, such private and government-sponsored programs have helped very few families, and the modifications offered all too often lead to quick redefaults. For example, the Home Affordable Modification Program (HAMP), launched in March 2009 with $75 billion in incentives to lenders, was intended to bring about the modification of three to four million home mortgages. Eighteen months later, only five hundred thousand mortgages had been permanently modified. Even more discouraging were federal government predictions that 40 percent of those modified mortgages would end in renewed default within five years.

The grim reality is that most seriously delinquent homeowners will lose their homes. The policy emphasis on foreclosure prevention has diverted attention from the epidemic of inevitable home loss and involuntary relocation. Scholars and policymakers know very little about home loss, yet millions of families have already lost their homes and millions more will suffer the same fate. Studying the painful process of involuntary home loss is a vital prerequisite to the development of policies intended to ease the transition out of homeownership and soften the financial and emotional consequences of home loss. Any meaningful reformulation of the American Dream of homeownership has to be sensitive to the fallout from the wave of foreclosures that has swept the nation.

What Bankruptcy Offers Homeowners in Financial Distress

The fear of losing a home is a major driver of families’ decisions to file for bankruptcy. Nine out of ten of these homeowners said that keeping their homes had been “very important” when they filed. Only 5 percent of homeowners resign themselves to home loss at the time of filing for bankruptcy, agreeing in their bankruptcy court documents to surrender their homes to mortgage lenders. The vast majority of homeowners enter bankruptcy wanting to fight to keep their homes, looking for help from the law in staving off foreclosure and becoming current on their mortgage obligations. Homeowners who are and remain current on house payments through a bankruptcy case will not lose the home to their mortgage lender during the case.

Many debtors who file for bankruptcy, however, are behind on their mortgage payments. By the time they file, some are a few months late and others are on the eve of a foreclosure sale. Homeowners desperate to save their homes often seek refuge in bankruptcy court, but they find only limited relief there. Bankruptcy does not reduce the principal or interest on a home mortgage, absent the unusual situation of a lender consenting to a modification of the loan. If homeowners simply cannot make the ongoing payments after the interest rates on their mortgage loans have risen, bankruptcy law does not rewrite those loans to lower the interest rates or to subsidize mortgage payments.

Bankruptcy does, however, offer some specific provisions to help homeowners who are behind on their mortgages and want to catch up on missed payments. Chapter 7, the most common type of consumer bankruptcy, usually delays a creditor from foreclosing for a few months and permits a debtor to discharge credit card and some other debts, freeing up income that can then be used for house payments. When the debtor is in default, the lender usually will wait three to six months for the bankruptcy case to end and foreclose at that point. The lender’s more expensive option is to ask the court to permit foreclosure before the bankruptcy case ends, which sometimes will be granted. Chapter 7 also protects the debtor from having to pay a deficiency. Foreclosure sales often net far less than the amount due on the mortgage, and in most states, the debtor owes the lender the difference, called a deficiency. Chapter 7’s debt forgiveness would cover that deficiency. Thus, Chapter 7 debtors may lose their homes in bankruptcy, but mortgage lenders normally cannot take other assets or garnish wages to collect a deficiency because bankruptcy discharges that obligation.

Chapter 13, the other common type of consumer bankruptcy, was designed to help debtors keep their homes, but as in Chapter 7, the home mortgage loan cannot be modified. Absent unusual circumstances, the principal of the debt is still owed and interest rates normally cannot be modified. However, Chapter 13 allows debtors to stop a foreclosure and cure a default due to missed payments by repaying the amount in arrears over the next three to five years. Debtors can catch up on these missed payments without creditor consent, but they must get bankruptcy court approval of their repayment plan. To do so, debtors must first persuade the court that they will be able to make each future house payment as it falls due, plus have enough income to cover payments previously missed. Then debtors must make those payments as promised. However, much can go wrong over the three to five years of a Chapter 13 repayment plan. Only one-third of debtors succeed in making all the payments due; most Chapter 13 cases fail within a year or two.\ For homeowners in default, foreclosure likely will soon follow their missed payments and the dismissal of their bankruptcy case. Thus, although bankruptcy has a home-saving purpose, the outcome can sometimes be home loss.

If you are facing foreclosure bankruptcy may be an option but it depends on your specific case. Consult an experienced Salt Lake City Utah foreclosure lawyer.

Salt Lake City Foreclosure Attorney Free Consultation

When You Need Foreclosure Help In Utah, Please call Ascent Law LLC for your free consultation (801) 676-5506. We want to help you.

Ascent Law LLC 8833 S. Redwood Road, Suite C West Jordan, Utah 84088 United States Telephone: (801) 676-5506

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