#and for some reason my brain absolutely REFUSES to function enough to watch the episodes. so like.

[candledburns]

brain PLEASE function i am begging you-

[innovativestruggles]

Daisuke and Suzue’s Mutual Trust - A Mini Analysis

***(Edited version with additional information re; Daisuke’s parents and Haru)***

Hey gang, so I had this nagging thought to write this awhile back and it just escalated after I watched Episode 10. So now my brain won’t leave me alone until I’ve shared this with you.

I would again, like to reiterate that only FOUR TIMES in the entire 10 episodes of FKBU so far, has Daisuke shown a soft, genuine smile. This man has been incredibly traumatised since childhood. He is apathetic, frustrated and emotionless and essentially an asshole at best. He has lost all reason to smile. The post traumatic stress sits very heavily on him.

Considering how he grew up as a happy kid, it was absolutely heartbreaking when that happiness was taken from him. So to see Daisuke show any type of soften emotion was incredibly profound. It shows a vulnerable side to him, because that side has been severely repressed. 

I don’t want to go all social workey on everyone here but I just want to explain something. In those who have experienced significant trauma, they no longer view the world as a safe place. So Daisuke’s suppressed emotions were the only way he saw fit to survive in a ‘hostile world.’ When positive emotions are expressed, it makes the trauma survivor vulnerable. How? Because in Daisuke’s case, as a child, positive emotions were associated with feeling unsafe. He grew up happily along side his parents, only to witness his father murder his mother.

So any time a trauma survivor wants to show positive emotions (be it consciously or subconsciously), they must feel safe, because it makes them vulnerable. 

The only four times Daisuke showed any sort of soft, genuine, smile-like emotion were:

When he came home. Given his unstable relationship with Grandma, I can make an educated guess that returning home was not for her or mostly for her. And we are not going to include the butler because that relationship was more professional.

Directly after this scene, Daisuke proceeded to cook for Suzue (and only her). In other words, I can take a guess that he was happy to finally return home to placate Suzue’s worries and be mostly in her company.

When he made food for Suzue. This man was so proud of himself istg ... just look at him .. but y’know, we have seen him with a proud smug face before, but this one was a soft and genuine one.

When he reassured Suzue that he will make it home alive.

When he carried Suzue in the OP

So what am I trying to say? 

They are all related to Suzue in some way or another.

Suzue made Daisuke feel safe enough to express vulnerable emotions (in this case, positive ones). Throughout the anime, the dynamics between Suzue and Daisuke were solely based on trust. Daisuke trusted Suzue with his life. He knew she will always be there for him no matter what. 

In that above scene where Daisuke reassured Suzue he will return home, Suzue, despite knowing the dangers, trusted him to follow through and keep himself alive. There was a hidden promise in the words he used and the way he said it.

Can I also add something too?

Compare the above two scenes to the two below

What do you see?

Daisuke does NOT like being touched.

Sure, Daisuke was visibly injured in the scenes with Haru, but he was not injured enough that he could no longer fight or walk on his own. What this meant was that Daisuke did not shove Suzue away or remove his hand from hers because he was not physically injured. It meant he has an immense level of trust in her. Daisuke may have initially been uncomfortable and unsure with Suzue’s actions, but he eventually allowed her to remain on him.

(Edit:) I’d like to explain the above part a little better as I realised it can get a bit confusing. Some of you may think that Daisuke pushed Haru away because he was physically weak and injured and therefore vulnerable. Which means you may also think that he did not push Suzue away or remove his hand from hers because he was not physically weak/injured at the time. 

This was not the case. Daisuke simply did not like being touched because of his trauma. How did I speculate this? Daisuke was able to fight pretty well, despite being injured, so in essence, if he truly did push Haru away because of his injuries, he should not be able to fight or function for the sake of being physically vulnerable. That would be more of a probable explanation. But instead, Daisuke was still strong enough to walk and push on, which meant the likely explanation to refusing physical assistance was: Daisuke’s trauma

Remember this. Trauma survivors do not often like being touched, particularly when they have witnessed/experienced violence as a child. They view the world as an unsafe place.

(Edit:) So in other words, it was not because of his injuries or physical vulnerable state that made Daisuke push Haru away, it was because he did not like being touched by someone who has not earned that high level of trust. If Suzue was in Haru’s place on that boat scene, Daisuke most likely would have allowed her to assist him because she has earned that high level of trust.

This does not mean Daisuke does not trust Haru. As we saw in Episode 10, Daisuke grew to respect and trust Haru. But not at the level where he was comfortable with being physically touched. That’s literally a whole new level.  (And no, a bump into the ass or brush on the shoulder does not count as proper physical touch). 

When you have been betrayed as a child, and you view the world as an awful place, the idea of ‘trust’ does not exist. You won’t understand what that means because you will think there is no point in trusting people -  they will just betray you. It’s more significant when this breach of trust occurred as a child.

So rebuilding trust for trauma survivors take a very, very long time. They have to learn to trust all over again, and even then, they may not trust just anyone. In Daisuke’s case, he ticked all the above. To have earned that level of respect where a traumatised Daisuke would trust someone with his life, Suzue must be one incredible woman. She must be so damn important to him, even though it may not be obvious all the time.

(Edit:) I’d also like to briefly add something here. There may be other significant reason for the bridal carry in the OP. It may indicate that Daisuke is indeed comfortable enough to have Suzue that (physically) close to him.

Seeing how I have seen quite a lot of anime where there are significant trauma involved as the storyline, I can definitely see the same patterns emerging with FKBU re; Daisuke’s story.

So I would like to end it on something.

In the above scene, Daisuke’s indirect way of showing he cared for Suzue was not out of the ordinary for someone who has been traumatised. There may not be a direct apology (or maybe there was behind the scenes??) we could see, but trauma greatly suppresses proper emotional development (and particularly when it happened to him as a growing child). 

So Daisuke may not fully understand the right way to make amends or how to resolve the situation. He may not even think what he did was wrong, so his way of trying to amend things (whether with an apology intended or without), was to make food for Suzue.

Needless to say that Suzue was very forgiving and so extremely patient with him. Patience, support and empathy are key to supporting trauma survivors. Fuck. The more I analyse this, the more I realise how deeply profound Daizue’s relationship is ❤️

EDIT:

Daisuke’s Parents and Haru

Someone asked me a very interesting question about Daisuke’s trauma, his father and the photo frame of his parents on his bedside table.

Without delving too much into the complexity of trauma, the likely plausible explanation would be that Daisuke still has some form of attachment and love for his father. Trauma survivors can still love the person who betrayed them, despite holding a grudge towards them at the same time. It is not an unusual/uncommon thing. This would be a lot more significant for those who experienced childhood trauma. So to me, it sounded like Daisuke loved and got along well with both his parents.

The picture on his bedside table may be a representation of what he has lost - a happy childhood, so he still kept it there, not necessarily as a reminder, but as a form of subconscious attachment he has for his parents.

Haru vs Daisuke

The same person also queried about the differing traumas between these two. Whilst it is never an appropriate thing to compare traumas, I’m happy to explain this for the sake of understanding.

Haru’s trauma occurred during a one off incident that ended up spiralling into some form of post traumatic stress. Whilst we do not know about Haru’s past, based on his personality and some tiny hints along the way, Haru most likely grew up in a relatively normal family. So Haru was able to bounce back and overcome his trauma relatively well (as we saw in Episode 10, he finally fired a gun!).

Daisuke, however, is a different story. Daisuke’s trauma is extremely complex because of the age he experienced it, and the type as well. Trauma involving close families that end up in violence and murder is one of the biggest betrayals of trust, particularly for a child. 

As I stated earlier, Daisuke no longer viewed the world as a safe place. His trauma was deeply ingrained and it shaped his emotional development and his interactions with others. If you look at Grandma and both Daisuke’s parents, you can see that they were relatively ‘normal’ in terms of emotional development. That is, you can see that they showed more varied emotions and their interactions with others were not ... weird. 

But if you compare them with adult Daisuke, it is very different. Immediately you can say that there is definitely something wrong with him. And I am not talking about how he grew up rich, because that is a separate thing. I am talking more about his emotional responses to people.

[nexyra]

I got an ask for Qrow Branwen so here it comes !

My fav ship(s) for the character

I think my favorite ships for Qrow are Cloqwork and Fair Game ! Cloqwork lacked screentime in terms of canon content of course, but I love the potential here. I also have a things for shipping the sad men together xD There are a lot of REALLY great Cloqwork fanfics out there and I love seeing people write about these two <3 It's in the details but I think there's something interesting here. With Qrow who is convinced to be a curse, who came from such a harsh background... And with Ozpin who is so convinced of humanity's inherent goodness and that anyone deserves a chance. At the same time they're both very complicated people who I think would interact in cool ways. Ozpin is wise but does have a mischievous streak that I think also helped in making them both get along. Qrow is much more perceptive than he appears and that's also good for dealing with someone as secretive as Ozpin.

Fair Game also had a very good start ! The relationship was admittedly a bit tilted toward Qrow's recovery in the show, but they were nice to see together. Clover was perceptive & caring as well as patient. All great qualities for a relationship with Qrow, who has a hard time breaking down his walls and a shot mental health. At the same time, Atlas is very professional, straight-to-the-point and I think Qrow is a real breath of fresh hair in that environment. He brings a different viewpoint to the table, he's very loyal & caring and it's clear that his sass amused Clover greatly. We didn't get to learn enough about him, but Clover's VA hinted that Clover's trust was a fragile thing and he wasn't a fan of showing vulnerability. Qrow, who gives everything he has in all his relationships, would have been a great balm for that uncertainty. So yeah !

My least favorite ship(s) for the character

There are, of course, any & all ships between Qrow & the kids or Qrow & Salem's team. But outside of these obvious "nope", I'll have to go with Jailbirds. This is COMPLETELY personal but I have a really hard time liking Robyn's character as of V7 end/V8 so I'm barely interested in her dynamic with Qrow. I did appreciate her talking down Qrow from revenge because he was only doing it for his own sake but... That's about it. I find her way too abrasive (hidden behind her shiny Robinhood looks). And whereas Clover (imo) was pretty good at getting Qrow to face his issus head-on & building him up, I feel like Robyn relies more on humour & deflection... Which is an art Qrow is already acquainted with, and not the best coping mechanism for him. Aaaand I just feel like she put Clover down several time in order to lift Qrow up. That, plus the queerbaiting controversy, plus her having indirectly participated to Clover's death... The ship makes me a bit uncomfortable.

My fav & least fav platonic relationship(s) for the character

My fav platonic relationship for Qrow is his bond with Ruby ! I really hope they bring it back because these two were GREAT together. Ruby's admiration was adorable. Qrow's nonchalent but clearly protective streak. They care about each other A LOT and I really loved them together. I hope they can have more moments together like back in V3-V4 or V6.

I'm not sure what my least liked platonic relationship would be. Saying Robyn again feels like beating on a dead horse but I don't really have a problem with any other ones. They're all, if not kind & good for him, at least interesting (like Raven)

My favorite thing about the character

The combination of his sassy/cynic personnality and how loyal & caring of a person he actually he is. Qrow is rough around the edges, leans easily into banter but he cares so damn much. He fit so easily next to Ruby's peppy enthusiasm in Vol 1-3, and then he was just an incredible badass and yet so damn vulnerable human in Vol 4-6. I liked that about him. How all the pieces fit together

My biggest criticism for the character

Well I have 2 things to say about that. First : V7C12 With Friends like these. What the fuck was this episode qkfazkfhkgh Qrow's brain was nerfed SO DAMN HARD, I was genuinely pissed while watching the episode. This was just a string of dumb decisions from everyone except Tyrian. But I digress -

In a more general sense, I'd say... putting Qrow in the sidelines. Him falling further into depression was a sound decision. It was interesting and fitting of his character imo. But I feel like they tied "Ruby having enough of his alcooholism" and "Ruby growing away from adults" in a way that kind of.... just put Qrow to the side and doesn't allow him to do much. In V6 finale, Qrow expresses understandable concerns about their plan to steal an airship, but instead of dealing with that Ruby's frustration with his cynicism is aired out and... the timing kind of makes the whole thing weird becaus Qrow isn't allowed to disagree with their plan ("we'll do it with you or without you") and then has to trust Ruby and let her go which AGAIN is a great moment in itself. But all that put together just like... rid Qrow of his function as a parental figure because Ruby is the leader now and he's just... kind of following along.

When was their writing at the peak according to me (ex : best season)

Okay for this one Q, I'll have to go with Vol 4 and Vol 6 for very different reasons. V4 was great because we really got to get to know Qrow. His complicated relationship with Raven. How BADASS his encounter with Tyrian was I freaking loved it. What his semblance and how it shaped his life. And it also let him be vulnerable through the poison & seeing Ruby repay his care was very nice.

Vol 6 for fleshing out, taking his issues & drinking more seriously. Showing more hopelesness and cynicism, and that he had a real drinking problem and he wasn't just a fun drunk. Plus the loss of faith in Oz showed how much Qrow needs stability and secure certainties to orbit around despite his nonchalant personnality. But I like it a bit less because it was the starting point of putting him on the side kind of.

A song I think fits them & why

Ship in a Bottle (Steffan Argus) ➸ A song about being alone in your fight, in the sense that your life is like a sail on the ocean and you are the only captain, the only one who can choose what to do with it. At the same time, there are several mentions of a "captain" as if the singer/Qrow adresses someone else. It's reminiscent of his relation with Ozpin or Clover : speaking of a deal, of being honest and sharing what's on your mind. Qrow thinks too much, he's scared and he sinks more & more as he delves into his cynicism (V6). Qrow cries, things get worse, the mention of the glass echoes his struggle with alcooholism. And the Scarewrow loses his brain, "lose touch with all the things that made [him] feel sane."

+ Problem child (Simple Plan) The Star song (Amanda Palmer) Would anyone care (Citizen Soldier) Wasted (8 Graves)

A headcanon to make up about them

Qrow didn't have the most normal childhood and because of that he had to learn a lot for Ruby & Yang. Notably, Qrow had absolutely 0 notion of what was an appropriate presents for young girls. As a result, he tended to simply bring back from his travels whatever shiny thing might have caught his attention. Could be a weird flower. Could be a pretty knife. Or even junk that his corvid brain latched upon.

Tai designed a look(Tm) that Qrow learned to recognize as "No, not appropriate." After a while, Yang learned to mimick it (but rather at random, she didn't really recognze what was appropriate and what wasn't). Ruby always liked his presents though.

What I would change about them if I was making a re-write

I CLEARLY would rewrite V7C12 so that Qrow & Clover keep their brains kzjhfkqhzk There were ways to reach the same conclusion without like... having a Qrow-Tyran team-up which was REALLY weird

I see 2 main possibilities to stick close to canon content - After the crash, Tyrian gets free but he keeps playing dead for a bit. Since there is no 3rd menace, Clover and Qrow's argument devolve into a fight as seen in canon. At one point, Clover manages to briefly disarm Qrow. They discuss for a bit, you can even put the exact same dialog as in the ep. Then Tyrian takes action, moving out of the shadows to kill Clover with Qrow's discarded weapon. Braincells saved. OR - Instead of having Qrow & Tyrian outright team up, Tyrian just... keeps instillating doubts in their mind. Qrow & Clover are temporarily allies in taking Tyrian down but because of this, they don't TRUST each other which cause missteps and make them less effective. At one point, Qrow tries to attack Tyrian who is behind Clover. But because neither Qrow nor Clover really have faith in the other at that moment (and because Tyrian is poisonning their mind), Clover automatically steps back or aside. He doesn't entirely trust Qrow. Because of this small hesitation, Qrow's attack fails. Tyrian manages to disarm him. Tyrian uses Qrow's weapon to kill Clover. There could even be some message here about the lack of Trust & letting Salem divide friends... something of that caliber in any case 🤔 It can even parallel V3 where Qrow did the same thing with Ironwood & Ironwood refused to stand aside even if he thought Qrow meant to attack him... Could lead somewhere ! Like, in V3 Qrow had faith that Ironwood wasn't to blame. Only Ironwood feared that Qrow blamed him, but Qrow knew & trusted that Ironwood wasn't to blame. In other words, Salem didn't divide them. Here, Qrow & Clover let Tyrian get into their head. And as a result Clover dies. "Together we stand, Divided we fall"

My guess for their MBTI/Enneagram

I'm still mulling on it right now but I think he might be some kind of ISTP 416. He has some weird 7ish behaviour but his need to orbit around someone/a goal, his relationship with Oz, how close he stuck to Tai & Summer sounds closer to 6 fix. He wants people to go home to. Certainty and security. His independance definitely is there but seems emphasized moreso out of necessity.

One aspect that I think would be nice to delve deeper into ? (optional)

I'm not sure mhmmm maybe his relationship with Summer ? It would be both cute & interesting. As well as finally giving us insight into who Summer was

[kurogabae]

TSUBASA: TRAINWRECK CHRONICLES

And How Bee Train is Single-Handedly Propagating Cancel Culture in This the Year of Our Lord 2020

PART 1 – PART 2 – PART 3 – PART 4 -- PART 5 

[[ join me on PillowFort. i have free invite codes if you need an account ]]

So last post was all filler episodes and we're well into season two of this, and I cannot stress this enough, two season anime. The only canon arc we've had was Piffle so far and it was poorly handled and out of order. Surely, absolutely surely, we are in for a canon arc. Shara perhaps? Skip right to Le Court? We all know they'd never dare touch Tokyo. How are they going to pad out the rest of the season?

Why another filler. A bad filler. The dreaded filler that goes against pretty much all of Fai's everything.

It's "A Date With a Wizard" and Kurogane isn't the one getting the date. If you haven't watched or heard of this episode before, buckle up kids. It's a doozy. And big spoiler warnings ahead.

Fort City Bit AKA Fai Dates His Own Fucking Mom (but like an AU version so it's okay I guess???):

You read that right. Fai goes on a date with this world's version of Chii, who was an artificial being he modeled after his dead mother. I could end the rant here but oh, there is so much to this. So much. It's only one episode long but it feels like an eternity.

The premise for magic use in this world is that:

Everyone has magic and that magic is specialized

Your career path is based on your magic's specialization. Like in MLP with cutie marks. And everyone is Fine with this.

Everyone recharges their magic via the sun, which is risen by their king

The king is chosen yearly after everyone in the country has the same fucking dream one night

The whole country runs on magic, to the point that if there is no magic there is no food, no power, no anything. But that's fine, because every day they get recharged by the sun. Right? WRONG! Because the current king is being a depressed little shit and refuses to raise the sun, effectively dooming the country to a slow death. Neat.

BUT BEFORE ALL OF THAT! The episode opens with Fai having a nightmare about Ashura looming like he's auditioning for a role in Attack on Titan. Vague and menacing, which is literally all we know about Ashura because we know nothing about Fai's past. And we never will. At least not in anime-land. No one knows anything. The manga isn't pulling this fakey flashback shit, so why is the anime? I don't know, but I hate it!

Anyway, the family gets the low down from Touya and Yukito - who still do not recognize Sakura and that upsets me because of the implications that there is no Sakura in this universe. (Sidenote: Kurogane recognizes them, even though he's never met them in the anime so far so honestly, just fuck everything.) While Touya is feeding them a frankly lavish meal that he's magiced up he explained their king problems. This leads to my next issue - if you're so worried about running out of magic why are you using it so flippantly and in such an extra ass way? Can you not make normal food? Does it only exist in magic form? Maybe just summon some soup? Does all food cost the same amount of mana? THIS MAGIC SYSTEM IS BAD!

So, back to the whole the king is too sad to raise the sun which powers everyone's magic which is now beginning to run low. Another problem I have. You get a recharge on your magic everyday. They have not gotten ANY recharges for, and I'm quoting here, months. They change kings every year. So even on the low end of things we're looking at 3-4 months before anyone got concerned about the king just. Not raising the sun. Personally, I would have gotten worried after a few days, a week at most. No one wanted to go and find out like "Hey your highness, why no sun? What's got you down?"

That, however, would be logical. This is a place of magic and whimsy! Not logic. Fai is asked to use his magic to figure out what is wrong with their king. Predictably, he tells them they have a better chance of meeting god, so everyone gets thrown in jail. Because refusing to solve a country's weird problems is illegal. Not that jail has ever stopped them before. Not with Kurogane and his muscles around. And while I am always up for watching Kurogane break things I do have to wonder - why are they not just warping free? Mokona said there was no feather. No one said anything about being magically held back. And yet, they are running through the castle, endangering themselves and the children!!!

Obviously this is For Plot Reasons, and I use the words "plot" and "reasons" loosely here.

Somehow the kitties and puppies get separated and Fai and Sakura end up surrounded by guards. Does Fai finally fight? Does he open that can of whoop ass we all know he's been saving? No. He leaps into the air and takes flight like some sort of stork. And while Fai's current cocky attitude is refreshing, he's working on some sort of idiot bimbo in a horror movie logic of "to escape the building I must do upstairs". This is not a man made to last on his own.

And, like Shrek to Fiona, the stairs lead him to the highest room in the tallest tower. Fai, then, promptly loses his shit as if he's not fully aware that doubles exist across the multiverse. Like, yeah, it would be a shock and anyone would be freaked out at the sudden surprise of it all, but Fai acts like he thinks he's stepped back into Celes. Like an idiot. He's better than this.

Now, we learn more things about this messed up king situation. Not only does everyone have a dream every year electing the new monarch, but the new king gets their memory erased for the whole year so that they can "rule with a pure heart" or some shit. Which seems like a baaaad fucking way to run.... anything. At all. Ever. Might as well pick up a fresh baby and put it in charge. It's bad. And it gets worse.

Chii is sad, but she wants to hang out with Fai and it's the first time she's shown any interest in doing anything but being Sad so her babysitter spirits are all like "Oh that's neat!" And Fai takes this is his chance to just... run off for a night on the town with her? They literally vanish and leave Sakura ALONE IN THE CASTLE WITH THE SAME SPIRITS WHO JAILED THEM. In what fucking universe????

Look, they are trying so so so so so so hard to sell this FaiChii shit. Fai leaves Sakura alone in a castle where they have just busted out of jail, he has no idea where or how Kurogane and Syaoran are, he's clearly uncomfortable around Chii as she reminds him of what he's running from, and, oh yeah, she's a copy of his dead mother he created in another world in order to comfort him and his dead brother as a child. Everything is Fine. Let's go get tea.

I'm gonna rapid fire some S tier bullshit:

no one knows where Chii has taken Fai - why is there no way to track your baby-brained king?

Fai leaves with Chii happily and cheerily, again, leaving Sakura behind and alone - who is this man because it isn't Fai

the only clue they have to Fai and Chii's location is that they are no longer on castle grounds, yet somehow Syaoran knows Exactly Where to Look - because sure why not?

Chii doesn't know how to drink???? - does this happen with every king? do they have to be potty trained too? omg they really are babies this is a terribly way to run a country!!!!!!

teaching someone basic life functions is not romantic but Bee Train sure wants us to think it is

"I want to stay with Fai forever and always." - at least he panics at commitment still... and probably incest

“I should be thanking you. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way.” - What? Uncomfortably reminded of your past and why your life is just shy of a living hell? Who are you? You are not Fai

Kurogane and Syaoran show up to save Fai and Chii, who have been surrounded by guards (I think, I can't remember exactly but I'm pretty sure they're there to take her back to the castle and her Sad Room). Fai apparently won't fight in front of Chii but whatever at this point.

It comes out that Chii is an artificial soul/being (like the Chii in Celes) and because of that she cannot leave the town or she DIES and that means the king dies and I guess they don't have a back up plan for that. Unsurprising but bad. Still, Chii begs Fai to take her away and show her the world and Fai like... hesitates? Thinks about it? Considers it?!?!? I dunno but he doesn't automatically say "Uh no, you'll die and also I have other shit to do, bye" and that's dumb for a lot of reasons.

Eventually he tells her no and convinces her to bring the sun back and be happy because she'll be able to remember him or some shit (you know, unless they take those memories too!) and  they all say goodbye. And I couldn't be more thankful.

Honestly, the real MVP here is Kurogane for not just losing his shit at all of this like I have. He's a better man than I.

Tune in next time as I continue to scream, in vain, at god.

PART 1 – PART 2 – PART 3 – PART 4 -- PART 5

[rkxsungwoon-blog]

☆ mga5 callbacks; june 27; interview !

once the performances are over, the ceos retire to discuss the results of the day and, subsequently, the eliminations. letting out a sigh, sungwoon slumps forward in his seat and fiddles with the loose zipper on his keyboard’s cover. the day’s exhaustion slams into him in the span of a few seconds. after four odd hours stuck in these uncomfortable chairs, he thinks he might be ready to go home. but the most important part of this whole ordeal is yet to come: to see who actually makes it onto the show as an official contestant and who will have their journey cut short. the worried frown on sungwoon’s face is more for woojin, kenta, and minhyun than himself. they did amazingly well and deserve to make it through. just this round, he thinks, wringing his hands together. just let them get through this round. let us all get through this round.

he hasn’t really considered what he would do if he gets eliminated here and now. laugh at himself, maybe. go through another crisis of ability? sungwoon made it past this point last year, and he’s much better now than he was back then. he wants some sort of acknowledgement of his skills and his growth, but he knows just as well that the universe doesn’t owe him anything. with everything empty enigma has already accomplished, maybe he’s reaching for the stars. however, sungwoon has never been okay with just being content. if he can push forward for more, he’ll take it. so he wants to survive today, and next week, and the week after that. sungwoon refuses to let himself consider the alternatives. 

the staff call individuals out one by one while the ceos deliberate. he’s a little confused until someone lets it spill that they’re doing more interviews. frankly, it’s unexpected; sungwoon can only remember doing one interview last year, and it wasn’t until episode seven. this is a holdover from earlier seasons, apparently, so sungwoon is happy to just roll with it. interviews don’t phase him, and he certainly has a lot to say about the performances he’s watched so far. some of his friends are… not as forthcoming, and he is absolutely thinking about woojin here. god, he hopes woojin will be okay during the interview.

“ha sungwoon!” he’s deep in conversation when he hears his name and nearly jumps in surprise. after asking keta to watch over his keyboard, he follows the staff to get his hair and make-up retouched. in spite of his tiredness, he chats amicably, gently prodding them for any idea of what to expect during the interviews. one of the make up artists laughs at his attempts and says, “you’ll do just fine, sungwoon.” he takes her reassuring words to heart and heads into the room ready to get through this. all he has to do is remember to reign in a few of his more passionate opinions, but if there’s one thing sungwoon does feel confident in, it’s his ability to know what is appropriate and what isn’t. 

“welcome back, sungwoon. this isn’t your first time on the mgas, but we’re still curious to hear how you felt when you received news of the callback.” 

after greeting the interviewer and taking a seat, he ponders the first question. “honestly? i didn’t think very much of it when i first got the email. i was busy making kimchi, which is just about the most korean thing i could be doing.” the chuckle comes easily as sungwoon recalls the rest of the band bothering him to abandon his work and check his goddamn email. they’d been so excited to hear they were going through to the next stage of auditions… their reaction to the news sticks with him more than his own. “i think i was happier for my friends than i was for myself.” especially for kenta, minhyun, and woojin. “some of them are getting to experience all this for the first time and it’s fun to see them go through the whole spectrum of emotions, you know?” 

he didn’t get to experience it with the whole band last year, so get the opportunity to now means the world to him. “their enthusiasm is infectious, though, and they ended up getting me excited too.” especially daniel, whose been the whole group’s champion from the start. “i guess aside from that, i was a little relieved as well; i felt like i should be able to do this much.” especially after his showing last year, to not even make it to callbacks would’ve been awkward. not that he’d ever expressed his doubts to his friends—or to himself. “i wasn’t ready for my journey to be cut short, though, so i’m grateful i got a chance to perform today.” 

“were you surprised when the judges were revealed?” 

“yeah,” he says immediately. even amidst everything else going on, the arrival of the five ceos caught sungwoon off guard. he understands the reason behind their presence here; it makes sense that they’d want to be involved in the selection process for the show itself. and to see how potential contestants react to their sudden appearance—whether they can keep their composure or fall apart in a bundle of nerves—is equally important, in his opinion. the live shows aren’t easy; not everyone can handle the kind of pressure that comes with it. “i might’ve blacked out for a few seconds in shock,” sungwoon laughs. “they are a lot more impressive than i remember. i mean, their collective aura is no joke. did you see so jisub? and katie lee… wow.” the ceos radiate power and prestige. it would bowl a lesser person over. 

“i was looking forward to performing for them again,” he continues after a small pause. “but if i’d known they would be here today, i would’ve done something different.” it’s hard to imagine what else he might’ve performed off the top of his head, but sungwoon knows he probably would’ve taken a risk and showcased a skill they wouldn’t expect to see from him. “but hey, that just means i have to live to fight another day.” he scratches his neck. “regrets and i aren’t good friends. i don’t want to go home and think, i should’ve done this or what if i’d done that. hopefully i won’t have to. hopefully the universe will be kind enough to give me one more opportunity to perform for the judges.”

“so how do you think you did with the performance you prepared?”

“there’s always room for improvement.” no matter what he feels about his performance right now, sungwoon knows he’ll discover a million things he could’ve done better once he stops and really thinks things through. it’s not in his nature to be complacent; the nagging voice in the back of his head criticizes more easily than it compliments. “i’m never fully satisfied with anything i do, but i think that’s a good thing. it just means i’ll keep pushing myself and keep try harder next time.” rather than being a burden, he thinks the attitude is a healthy one to carry into a competition like this one. 

“that being said…” the corners of sungwoon’s lips curve up, his previous serious expression fading. “this performance was representative of who i am. i worked on the piano rearrangement myself, and i really wanted to showcase a combination of my vocal and instrument skills. and i sang from the heart—which might not count for much, but that might be the most authentic performance i’ve given in my life, so how can i not be happy with it?” he’d left it all out there, bled himself dry, and he hopes at least a fraction of that came across to the ceos and to his audience. “my answer might be different tomorrow, but for now, i think i did alright.” 

“what did you think of joohyun’s performance? she sang a song by your band, empty enigma.” 

ah. surprise briefly flickers across sungwoon’s face before he can cover it up with a smile. it makes sense for the staff to ask him about her performance out of the other ninety-nine, but he can’t say he’s prepared to answer. “i still can’t believe it,” he chuckles, fingers idly picking at the stray threads sticking out of his pants. “my brain stopped functioning for a while. like, i actually thought i might’ve died and entered nirvana. for someone to perform our song on a stage like this one is… unreal.” his jaw dropped when he recognized the familiar music, the lyrics he’s come to associate with daniel pouring out of joohyun’s mouth. 

sheer shock eventually gave way to gratitude and confusion—why empty enigma? they’re not exactly… mainstream. it has to be a big risk doing one of their songs. sungwoon wonders if she did for daniel’s sake. he’s not sure what to feel about that, but now isn’t the time to unpack it either. instead, he presses both hands to his warm, pink cheeks as he thinks about the viewers hearing empty enigma’s music. joohyun’s done more to promote them than any of the band members have. “i’m thankful joohyun liked our music enough to do our song, and i think she did it beautifully.” he turns to the camera and sinks into a small bow. “thank you, joohyun! i hope someday we’ll be able to perform this song together!” 

“and what were your thoughts on your band members’ performances?” 

his face splits into a wide grin. “i thought you’d never ask.” sungwoon can talk about his friends and their performances for hours, but he tries to keep it brief. “all of them did a great job. i know i sound biased, but i didn’t realize how good most of them are, so actually seeing them up on stage was a shock for me.” he dives into woojin’s performance first since it’d left the strongest impact. “woojin… i didn’t know he could dance like that. i mean, we live together, but he’s a private person—so seeing all that charisma and raw talent come out? i’m proud but also slightly offended he didn’t tell me he could do that.” similarly, he didn’t know the full extent of kenta’s dance skills, though they’d come as less of a surprise than woojin. “kenta was also amazing. doing a jun song isn’t easy, but he pulled it off with elegance and charm. he’s truly a talented performer.” 

talking about minhyun is a lot easier when sungwoon doesn’t have to do so in front of him. “i knew minhyun could sing, but his dancing skills were a bit of a mystery to me.” pausing, sungwoon bursts out laughing as a thought hits him. “i guess that’s how you can tell we’re in a band, huh? none of us knew the others could dance.” he takes a brief moment to collect himself before continuing. “anyway, i really applaud him for showcasing both his singing and dancing today, and i love bruno. minhyun really did him justice.” god, he hopes this doesn’t air; sungwoon isn’t sure how he’d explain gushing about minhyun on camera to the man himself. “i believe minhyun has the confidence and talent to be an idol, so he’s definitely one of my top picks out of today.” 

finally, he comes to daniel and his eyes light up. “daniel… he’s polarizing. i’ve heard a lot of people say he isn’t talented, but he did an original song today. that has to count for something.” he loved daniel’s performance, but he’d probably love anything daniel does. the faint pink from earlier is still in his cheeks, and he hopes it isn’t obvious just how much he cares. just in case, sungwoon cuts it short. “his singing and stage skills have improved immensely, so i hope people recognize that and support him a lot this year. he deserves it.” 

“were there any performances you liked?”

there were a few sungwoon paid attention to aside from empty enigma and joohyun’s. “eunji—she did boa’s woman. i thought her voice and her presence were both commanding. i’m a fan. i enjoyed jeonghan’s song choice and vocal color as well; he’s a potential contestant i would definitely keep an eye out for.” he should probably diversify and mention more than just vocalists, but as one himself, sungwoon tends to focus on the competition more than the rest. “i heard someone sing day6’s shoot me—sihyeon, i think? i thought her song choice was very bold. i liked it.” day6’s music is some of his favorite to listen to, and he almost wishes he’d done of their songs as well. “hyojin’s acoustic cover was really good too. i wasn’t familiar with the song, but i like how he performed it.” 

this is harder than sungwoon anticipated; a lot of the performances that came first have blurred together in his mind. “some of the mash ups were very clever. i can respect the skill that goes into making them.” there were a few others, but he can’t remember them off the top of his head. “oh!” sungwoon says suddenly, smacking his palm with his fist. “the guy who did the trot version of lc9? i kinda enjoyed that. though my grandfather loves trot so i might just have a soft spot for it.” the name of the performer slips his mind, but the song itself is stuck in his head. 

“were there any performances you didn’t like?” 

sungwoon wonders how many people have actually answered this question. nobody wants to be edited as the designated asshole, so he imagines the answers have been safe so far. sungwoon isn’t eager to shoot himself in the foot either, but truthfully, there were a few he didn’t care for. “i think there are some performers who could probably benefit from a few years of experience,” sungwoon says carefully, his expression controlled into one of bland interest. “but shows like this have ways of making you grow up fast, so i don’t know if it’s all that important.” 

he wonders if he should just list the performances he didn’t like—the kid on skates, for one, because this is an idol competition. the one who’d done the baby shark remix didn’t seem all that serious either. “i also hope more contestants take the competition seriously moving forward.” sungwoon could rip into a few vocal performances if he really wanted to, but he eventually shakes his head and flashes the interviewer a smile. “i don’t think my opinion matters much, so i’ll leave it there.” 

“is there anyone you are certain will move onto the next phase of the mgas?”

“mason,” he says bluntly. “but everyone can probably see that coming.” it’s wild to think a debuted idol is on this show, and such a high profile one. his sheer wealth of experience both terrifies and inflames sungwoon; he doesn’t want to just roll over and lose to someone like that. “he’s a former idol with a fanbase, with the skills and training, and with the prior experience to kill it in this competition. i believe he’ll make it to the finale.” is it unfair? maybe. if sungwoon’s worried about going up against him, he wonders how some of the green newbies feel. “i hear there are a few other debuted idols here too. junhee—he did jonas brothers? i heard he was an idol as well, so he’ll probably have an edge over the rest and make it through easily. you can’t deny that people who’ve experienced this lifestyle, whether as idols or trainees, have a distinct advantage in this competition.” 

other than that… “i think moonbok might move onto the next phase; he was on the mgas last year. i hope joohyun goes through since she deserves it the most, probably.” for fairness’ sake, he should mention people he hasn’t spoken about yet. “i’m confident minkyung will, and likely chan as well. i remember being impressed by him.” and last season didn’t have many rappers, so sungwoon is positive at least a few will go through now. “if any of these predictions come true, maybe i can see the future?” he breaks off and laughs at the thought. him, a psychic? “i hope that’s true! it’d be cool.”   

“some would say you also have an advantage over others as a member of a band.” 

some? sungwoon would like to meet them. “maybe? but performing as part of a band and as an idol are two different things.” he’s not sure how to explain this to someone who hasn’t experienced the energies for themselves, but you can’t compare the two. “the way you play to the crowd—and play off them—differs when you’re in a band. it’s a lot more casual and fun and intimate in some cases.” personally, he thinks it’s freeing; there are less rules and restrictions, no illusion of perfection to maintain. 

“as an idol, you need to be more poised and precise with everything you do. i mean, i can’t say for sure, but from what i experienced during the mgas last year, it was… nothing like i was used to. the expectations for idols are sky high.” sungwoon shrugs and claps his hands together. “i don’t think my band history gives me much of an edge over anyone.” his fellow competitors don’t have to agree, but at least sungwoon made an attempt to clear the air.  

“is there anyone you are certain will be eliminated today?”

he grins slowly and shakes his head. “that’s not for me to judge, is it?” no way is sungwoon getting caught out on that question. but privately, he thinks skater boy is probably a goner. 

“thank you for your time. you may now return to your seat.” 

“thanks for all your hard work.” exchanging farewells with the interviewer, he heads back to his seat, eager to discuss with his friends as they wait for the eliminations to take place. maybe the interview could’ve gone a bit better, but sungwoon is glad he didn’t say something dumb. it’ll have to do for now.

[eldritchsurveys]

344.

When are you at your happiest? >> I don’t know. Happiness is a very fleeting feeling for me, and I’m usually on a more neutral plane. I like it that way, though. It suits me.

Do you find that you're attracted to people who aren't "right" for you? >> I don’t think that’s true for me, no. I’m attracted to people based on specific qualities, and the thing about that is that... people have other qualities aside from those things that I’m attracted to. And those other qualities might be completely wrong for me. But I don’t think that means I’m attracted to the wrong kind of people or anything. Luckily, I’m not attracted (in that sense) to any kind of people anymore unless they’re inworlders, so this isn’t even an issue now.

Is there anything you wish you did today? Why haven't you done it? >> Well, I was doing the “take a walk 3x weekly” thing and this is the first day since I started that I haven’t done it. But Can Calah said that if I make the decision to stay in, then I can’t beat myself up about it. I have to own that decision full stop. So, fuck it. It’s hot and taking walks around here is so fucking boring anyway.

Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? >> Indoors is where the stuff is. Of course, if I have something specific to do outdoors, I’m happy to be outside. ...In the right weather.

What were you doing before you started this survey? >> A different survey.

Is there any exotic animal you'd like to have as a pet? If so, what is it? >> Hell no.

Do you think that deep down, everyone is good at heart? >> I don’t harbour any beliefs about what people are like “deep down”. I care about how people present themselves, because that’s the only data I can actually evaluate.

Can you honestly say that you love yourself? >> Yeah, I can honestly say that, based upon how I strive to treat myself no matter what bullshit my brain does.

How many people have you kissed? >> Enough, I’d say.

How many of those people are you still friends with? >> ---

Do you just feel awkward when you dance? >> Nah, dancing feels great. It’s the only exercise I enjoy, lmao.

When is the last time you felt absolutely happy? >> Argh, again with the happiness shit.

Where did you go, the last time you left your house? >> Took a walk.

Name someone that you love: >> Can Calah.

Is there something that you're looking forward to right now? If so, what? >> Not really.

What caused you to cry, the last time you did? >> I don’t remember. Probably overload (sensory or emotional). That’s usually why I end up crying, if I’m not getting maudlin about a movie or something, hah.

Do you think you spend too much time feeling upset? >> Nope.

Is there anywhere you would rather be right now? If so, where? >> Nah.

Do you like your singing voice? >> Sure. It’s a little creaky because I don’t practice much anymore, but it’s still serviceable. And I’m proud of the feats it’s performed in the past.

Do you think that you've ever actually been IN love with someone? >> I really don’t know.

If so, do you still feel the same way about them? >> ---

Have you ever done a psychedelic drug? If not, would you ever consider it? >> I’ve done a dissociative hallucinogenic, which functions kind of like a psychedelic at certain levels. But I’ve never done a classic psychedelic. I would consider it, yes, but after the harrowing experiences I had with DXM I would need a fair amount of support.

What's something that makes you feel uncomfortable? >> Being in wet clothing.

Are you bisexual? >> I’ve had sexual relations with both sexes (and a variety of genders), but I don’t consider myself bisexual.

Are you a good speller? >> Yes.

Are most silences awkward for you? >> No, most silences are comfortable for me.

Do you sing and dance? >> Sure.

Have you ever been to an amusment park? >> Yeah, as a teenager. Oh, and Luna Park (in Coney Island) is kind of an amusement park, I guess. I’ve been there quite a few times.

Name someone you wish you had never met. Why? >> It’s tempting to wish I’d never met certain people, but there’s really no point in that. 

Do you think some people are better than others? If so, why? >> No.

Do you have any "nerdy" hobbies? If so, name some: >> I mean, I don’t know? I guess any of my hobbies can be considered “nerdy” if you really want to do that.

Name a word that you just really do not like. Why don't you like it? >> “Wholesome”. I have no idea. Some words just hit that disgust button in the brain for some reason -- “moist” gets a lot of attention for doing that to people, for example -- and that’s one of mine. Too bad it’s a mildly popular word on the internet recently, lmao.

Do you still seriously make pinky promises? >> I never did, as far as I recall. 

Did you ever see the movie Good Burger when it came out? >> No.

Do you and your friends have a lot of inside jokes? >> ---

Do you like to party? >> I like to party in my own fashion.

What's your favorite aspect of your life? >> The freedom of it.

Do people tell you that you should smile more? (they're probably right.) >> No, I don’t usually have people telling me that. And it’s a good thing, because I don’t respond well to people telling me what to do with my face.

Do you prefer summer to winter? >> Yes.

Do you use swear words? If so, do you have a favorite one? >> Yeah. I don’t really have a favourite.

What's something you find utterly disgusting? >> Dirty bathrooms.

Are a free and active agent in the decisions you make? >> Yes!

Are you easily angered? >> No.

What's something someone could do to really piss you off? >> I’m not even sure. Like, there are a lot of things that people could do to aggravate me or drive me away, but to make me flat-out angry... that’d be difficult. I think you’d have to do a certain thing over a period of time and refuse to stop no matter what, so the irritation builds up and then turns into anger. Like how my ex kept doing certain shit and taking advantage of my patience and desire to be accommodating until I finally got too angry at being manipulated to keep it up.

What's your sexual preference? >> Inworlders.

Are you accepting of other's sexual preferences? >> Absolutely.

Do you spend a lot of time just thinking/daydreaming? >> No.

Name a song you've really been digging lately: >> Map Change by Every Time I Die.

If you were given a microphone and told you could yell anything, what would you yell out? >> I wouldn’t do that.

Are you a virgin? If yes, are you waiting until marriage? >> No.

Who has the nicest singing voice, that you know personally? >> I don’t know.

Say something nice about someone you really don't care for: >> ---

Do you think you're plesant to be around most of the time? >> I don’t know. I think if you’re a person who enjoys a person who is a decent listener and doesn’t dominate conversations, who often has a flat emotional affect, and who prefers quiet environments, then yes, I’m a pleasant person to be around. If you don’t like those things, then I’m not a pleasant person to be around. It’s all relative.

What are you gonna do now that you're done with this survey? >> Hmm.... I’m not sure. Watch another Borgias episode...?

[mshellbrat]

Hey guys! I know I’m late again, but I did finally get my next installment for my “Here or There” verse and my weekly submission for @thebookjumper‘s Olicity Hiatus Fic-A-Thon written and posted. Prompt: Escape. I hope you enjoy it and I would LOVE to know what you think! Thanks for reading!

Summary: Felicity learns a disturbing new side effect of her condition. A disappointment makes her rethink just how much she's allowed the other realities to influence her judgment and where she needs to go from here.

Rating: T

Here goes!

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!...except my original characters... :-)

Felicity feels the blow coming and rolls out of the way. She spins, stake in hand, and faces down the demon. It's massive, at least seven feet tall, with dark angry red skin and long black spikes protruding from the top of its head and shoulders. Her eyes widen. “I'm thinking my stake's a fail on this one,” she calls.

“Hold on!” A gorgeous guy in a black shirt and jeans answers her call for help. Dare, her mentor, the now-familiar rush of memories supplies her. He's working his way toward her from across the street. A female vampire flings herself onto his back and he reaches back to toss her away.

A roar switches Felicity's focus back to the demon who rushes her. She hears the whistle of an arrow cutting through air and watches the projectile strike the demon mid-back. It jerks, but continues its pursuit. Yep, Oliver's arrows aren't cutting it either.

Felicity tries to dodge, but the demon anticipates the move and has surprisingly quick reflexes. She takes a blow to the face and then his massive spike encrusted hands are wrapped around her throat. He lifts her off her feet and Felicity fights desperately to get free...to breath...she can't breath...

Her heartbeat is rushing in her ears, she can hear desperate calls of her name, and her vision is fading to black, when the world suddenly EXPLODES...

She falls to the ground, gasping for breath, covered in gore and ick and...EW! Her head is spinning and she's trying to make her brain slow down, or even function in a somewhat decipherable manner. WHAT THE FRELLING FRACK?!?

“LISSY!” Her cousin Meredith reaches her first, hugging her tightly despite her uberly icky state. Dare is right behind the tiny brunette. The two help pull Felicity to her feet.

Felicity...who is still stunned and yet...disgusted. The demon exploded! It just blew up on her! “What was...was that an exploding arrow?!?” She can't believe Oliver would chance shooting the thing with an exploding arrow so close to her. What the hell was he thinking?

< NO! > Oliver growls through the comm link in her ear, < It wasn't! Incoming. > She knows he'll be dropping in via zipline momentarily.

“Then what the frack?” she wonders.

“Oops?” Everyone spins to see a sheepish Thea hanging back at a distance with her archer boyfriend at her side. She makes an apologetic face at Felicity and throws her hands in the air. “I'm sorry! I'm still learning, you know? I might have overdone it.”

Felicity's jaw drops open. “You blew him up on me!”

“I didn't know if he'd be magic resistant!” Thea insists. “I couldn't take any chances!”

Rationally Felicity knows that. She knows Thea might actually have saved her life...or saved Oliver's sanity for the time it took for someone else to save her or revive her. She knows that she owes Thea and that Thea is a new witch who is still learning her craft and power. But still...EWWW! She points her finger at the younger woman. “You owe me a new outfit, missy! And a spa day! I'll need extensive exfoliation to ever feel clean again!”

Thea grins. “I'm always down for a spa day.”

Oliver finally arrives. He reaches out to pat her shoulder, but she notices he keeps careful distance from the ooze covering her. She rolls her eyes. “Love you, too. I'm fine.” She opens her mouth to comment further...

With a gasp, Felicity sat up on the stretcher and looked around her. She tried to get her bearings, to remember. Her eyes landed on Caitlin and her mind caught up. The new sleep study...testing her condition. But this felt different somehow. The way she'd awoken. She frowned. “What happened?”

Caitlin tried to cover her relief with a professional smile. “Sorry for the rude awakening. We had to pull you out early. There were some...fluctuations with your vitals.”

“Dude,” Cisco added from where he was leaning against the doorway, “your sats tanked and your heart rate was through the roof.”

After shooting him an admonishing look, Caitlin turned back to smile at Felicity. “You stabilized but we didn't want to take any chances.”

Felicity frowned and nodded. “Okay.” She thought back to the other reality and started putting together the pieces of a theory. When the demon had choked her? Had that somehow transferred to her condition here? “I was a slayer there,” she told them, “and a demon almost killed me. Thea saved me, but it was a close call.”

“How were you attacked?” Caitlin asked, all business.

“A...a slayer? Like a vampire slayer?” Cisco's voice was filled with awe. “Were you...in a cheerleading uniform?”

Felicity glared at him, because REALLY? This was not fantasy fulfillment time. “No, I was ME...but a slayer.”

He sighed, staring off into space. “That's almost as good.”

Felicity rolled her eyes and turned back to Caitlin. “It choked me.”

“Which would account for both a drop in oxygen saturation and an increase in heartrate,” Caitlin reasoned.

Felicity nodded. “This is even more dangerous than we anticipated. If actions in the other realities have consequences here...”

Caitlin frowned at her disapprovingly. “Which is yet another reason you should never have attempted to test this on your own.”

Felicity groaned and buried her face in her hands. “Trust me, I've gotten this lecture four times already.” She'd heard it from each and every teammate. It was still humiliating to remember being lectured about her recklessness by ROY.

Speaking of her teammates, Felicity looked back up. “Where are Oliver and John?” They'd accompanied her to S.T.A.R. Labs for the testing and she couldn't believe they weren't flipping out right now.

Cisco snorted and pointed toward a viewing window into the control room. “He's been on the phone since your little episode.”

The blonde looked over to see Digg walking back and forth and barking at someone on his cell phone. She didn't, however, see Oliver. “Where's...”

“He had to leave while you were sleeping,” Caitlin explained. “He got a call about a situation back in Starling.”

Alarmed by Caitlin's careful tone and the possibilities, Felicity pushed off the stretcher and hurried toward Digg. It had to be Arrow business, right? Did someone get hurt? Had Slade shown back up?

As she pushed open the door to the control room, Felicity saw Digg lock his jaw. “Well, we all have our priorities, man, don't we?” He hung up the call and huffed.

Felicity rushed up beside him. “What's wrong? What happened?”

“Felicity!” Digg pulled her close in a tight hug. He breathed a sigh of relief and rested his chin on top of her head. “You had me worried sick, Smoak. You are NOT allowed to do that again!”

Hugging him back, Felicity voiced her fears. “Where's Oliver? What happened?” She felt Digg stiffen against her and hesitate. Pulling back, she desperately searched his face. “John?”

Digg grimaced and she felt her stomach drop. He took in a deep breath and blew it out before answering. His voice was soft and resigned. “Oliver's fine. Everything's fine...or it will be.”

Felicity frowned. “John?”

“Sara called,” he continued before she could ask any more questions. “There's some issue with Laurel. She wanted Oliver's help.”

Felicity was still confused. “Did she get kidnapped? Is she hurt?”

“No,” Digg shook his head and his eyes flashed with anger, “she's fine, Felicity. It's just...” he shrugged helplessly, “it's more of the Lance family drama. Same song, different verse.”

“Oh,” Felicity said. Her whole world slowed down and she realized the truth of the situation. Oliver had left in the middle of her sleep study, a study in which she'd apparently almost died, and run back to Starling after Laurel and Sara. She thought of the words she'd heard Digg saying on the phone. “That was Oliver,” she nodded toward his cell phone.

“Yea,” he acknowledged. “I'm not exactly his biggest fan, at the moment.”

Felicity huffed a laugh. Why? Was this supposed to be surprising? Oliver had proven over and over again that the Lance sisters came first. Biting her lip and fighting back useless tears, Felicity shrugged. “Oliver will be Oliver.” She forced a smile and tried to ignore the pity in John's eyes. “Let's finish this up with Caitlin and Cisco. I want to go home.”

Digg nodded. “Okay. Whatever you need.” He led her back toward the lab.

It had been three days since she'd returned from her enlightening trip to Central City. Felicity had called out of work the first day and texted the team that she was taking a 'mental health' night and they would have to make due without her. She'd returned to work the next day, but limited her interactions with Oliver to the absolutely essential and professional only. She'd also filed for approval of a two-week vacation at the beginning of the next month. Both Caitlin and Dr. Wells wanted to do much more extensive testing on her condition. They had differing theories on both origin and possible treatment. Felicity had yet to hear back from HR, but she doubted she would be refused. She certainly had enough time saved up.

“Felicity?”

The blonde flinched at the sound of his voice but tried to hide her reaction. It wouldn't do to appear unprofessional after all. He was still her boss. She painted on a bland smile and turned to face him standing in the doorway to her office. “Yes?”

Oliver frowned at her. “Are you okay? You've been...distant.”

It was everything she could do to maintain her composure. “I'm fine, just busy.”

He stepped closer and leaned against her desk. “Are you sure? There haven't been any lasting affects from the sleep study, have there? I'm just...worried.”

Felicity snorted. He was worried? Seriously? She shook her head. Too little and far too damn late. He looked so honest and sincere. It made her nauseous. “I'm fine, Oliver. Don't worry, I'm perfectly capable of carrying out my varied responsibilities.”

“That's not what I meant,” he said.

And Felicity knew that wasn't what he meant. She was his friend and he cared about her. He didn't want anything to be wrong with her. He didn't want to lose her. The problem was that she had yet to reach the point where she could see past her own hurt feelings and disappointed hopes. She knew she shouldn't blame him. Oliver had never lied to her. He was exactly who he had always been. He couldn't help it, really. Laurel, and to some extent Sara, would always be his first priority. Felicity was just thoroughly over being his consolation prize. She was tired of loving a man who spent his life running around after other women. Maybe he wasn't actually sleeping with either Lance (for the moment) but his heart was still tied up in knots with them. Maybe Felicity should be a big enough person to look past that, to accept that Oliver wanted to keep Laurel and Sara close because they'd played such a big part in his life, but...she wasn't. Felicity wanted someone to choose her. For once, Felicity wanted to be a priority. And frankly, with Oliver, she didn't see that ever happening. So, it wasn't Oliver's failing actually, it was hers. Oliver just couldn't give her what she needed and Felicity was going to have to find a way to forgive him for that.

She tried for a more sincere expression. “I'm fine. It was a scare, but no permanent damage. I know to be more cautious now.”

“I...” he winced and guilt shadowed his face, “I'm sorry I wasn't there.”

Felicity had to shut down the pain those words inadvertently caused. She flicked her eyes back to her monitor as they burned. “You did what you had to do.” She started closing out her work. She needed to go. She didn't know how much longer she could bear to sit here and deal with him.

There was a long pause, then Oliver cleared his throat. “So...are we still on for the marathon tonight?”

Felicity froze. Her jaw clenched and she stared at him in disbelief. She'd been happy, so damn happy, at the prospect of that marathon. All she had wanted was to spend more time with him, to share something that was special to her with him. Now? The idea was laughable. She canted her head to the side. “No, Oliver, I'm sorry. I have plans.” Shutting down her desktop, she grabbed her purse and walked around the desk to leave.

She'd almost escaped when she heard him call her name. She contemplated continuing to walk and ignoring him, but thought better of it. Swallowing hard, she turned back to face him. She tried to see past her own hurt and anger. “I think you have enough girlfriends to worry about already, Oliver. You should call Laurel.” Without waiting for his reaction, she left.

By the time she'd arrived home, Felicity had decided that she wasn't about to let the fact that Oliver sucked cost her another marathon. So, the question became: would she binge watch by herself or take a chance on inviting someone else? Staring at her phone and sipping her first glass of red wine, Felicity took a chance. Two hours later, she was camped out on her couch, sipping on her fourth glass of wine, with Thea Queen sprawled out beside her. Both women were also sniffling and crying as they quoted the most heartbreaking speech in the entire Buffy series...the Buffy to Dawn speech at the end of 'The Gift'.

“Dawn, the hardest thing in this world...is to live in it. Be brave. Live...for me,” Felicity sobbed and gulped another mouthful of wine.

Thea sniffled and groaned as Buffy dove off the tower and into the portal. She looked tearfully at Felicity. “WHY did you add this one?”

They'd used the draw-from-a-hat method to pick episodes. Felicity had added 'The Gift'. Now she shrugged and admitted. “I'm in a mood, okay?” Her breath hitched and she sobbed again.

Looking disbelieving and still teary, Thea stared at Felicity. “Tell me you didn't add 'The Body'?” Felicity scrunched her face and bit her lip. Thea shook her head rapidly. “We are NOT watching 'The Body'! We don't have enough tissues!”

“But...” Felicity pouted, “but...Anya!”

“NO!” Thea pointed her finger at Felicity. “I draw the line!”

“Fine,” Felicity said. She didn't, however, volunteer that her other choices weren't exactly bright and cheery. She needed the ANGST! She needed the release, the escape, the ability to cry...to cry about something that wasn't her pathetic love life and her crushed hopes and broken heart. She shouldn't even have a broken heart. Oliver didn't owe her anything. She'd let those stupid other worlds, those different realities, blind her to the truth. She was the tech support, not the love interest. She needed to get over it and move on. It was time to bury those ridiculous fluffy fantasies and do her damn job like the professional she was. She still had Team Arrow and their mission. That was what really mattered.

“Oh god,” Thea looked over her broken miserable frame and made a pained face, “what did he do now?”

Felicity blinked and tried to look confused. “Nothing. What are you talking about? Who?”

Thea huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. “What did my idiot brother do?”

Felicity opened her mouth to try to deflect again, but Thea's phone started ringing. She looked down and her lips drew into an angry line. “Nevermind. I'll ask the dumbass myself.” She accepted the call. “What did you do, Oliver? And so help me GOD, if this comes back to a damn Lance...”

Felicity winced. She pushed to her feet and walked unsteadily toward her kitchen. She needed more wine...and ice cream. She bet Thea would like some ice cream. She was totally willing to share her mint chip. She liked Thea THAT much. Thea was A-okay with Felicity. They were buds!

Thinking about the younger Queen and her phone call, Felicity pulled out her own phone. She'd silenced it hours ago, but she noticed she had several missed calls, voicemails, texts, and Facebook messages. The latest was a Facebook message from Sara. Felicity snorted. Yea...soooooooo not happening. It was taking all of her considerable self-restraint to resist kicking Sara off her friends list like a sulky dramatic teenager. Sara was officially on her shit list. She was an accomplice!

“FELICITY!” Thea called. “Are you hiding in your own kitchen? You better be getting more alcohol and you better get back out here. I will drag you by your hair. We have gut-wrenching Buffy episodes to watch!”

Felicity snickered despite herself. She bet Thea had sneaked a peak in the hat. Felicity might have even stacked the deck and added some of her episodes twice. Then she realized something and frowned. “You're underage! I'm not contributing to your delinquency. I am a good influence, dammit!”

“Whatever,” Thea said, “just come on!”

Felicity grabbed her wine, two pints of mint chip, and two spoons. She toddled back toward the living room.

Thea's eyes lit up when she spotted the ice cream. She held out her hand in the universal 'gimme' sign. She was still talking on her cell phone. “I don't care how complicated you think it all is, Ollie, or that you don't want to get into it with me before you talk to Felicity. You obviously fucked up. I've played this game before. And just so we're clear? I'm Team Felicity. Cause I've met you! This is totally your fault!”

Felicity nodded happily and handed Thea her pint of mint chip and spoon. Okay, so she might be a little drunky and she might have passed reasonable a while ago and slid straight into irrational and bitchy, but it felt so nice to have someone on her team! She smiled widely at the other girl and plopped back down on the couch.

She listened happily and in a daze as Thea bitched out her brother. She sipped slowly on her next glass of wine. She popped her spoon in her mouth and moaned as mint chip hit her tongue. And then...then she had a brilliant, fabulous, wonderful idea! One that she needed to do right now, because she KNEW she'd never have the guts when she was sober and it NEEDED to be said. Oliver needed to know!

Felicity pulled out her own phone and popped open her text messages. She typed her message out quickly and sent it off to Oliver. She nodded at her determination and satisfaction.

Her message: Dear Oliver, regarding custody agreements and the dispersion of our mutual friends. I wave all rights to Sara...but I'm keeping THEA! Have a wonderful night.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!

@thebookjumper @olicityhiatusficathon

[bornanxious2018]

Abscence epilepsy and absences

Things are currently good with oscars general mood and absences, he’s currently on the correct dose and it just makes life so much easier ,we can function at a reasonable level. 

Oscar is medicated for absence epilepsy but not yet diagnosed, he will have another EEG at around 7 years old, like everything it’s never simple , he has had one EEG ,but it failed the lady completing the test said she wasn’t willing to continue as he was so distressed , Brendan had to hold him between his legs while they attached at least 30 electrodes to his head , he had long hair at the time and he had glue all in his hair , he was having waves of fighting then ,Giving up it was heartbreaking but I held my nerve as I really wanted the results, but we were unable to complete, during the test he needed to be calm so they could trace his brain activity however he was so distressed it’s no wonder it failed , and they wouldn’t have gotten a correct reading anyway it was pointless to distress him further .

what lead us to exploring if he has abscence epilepsy is ,since a baby he has always had periods of daydreaming / switching off and zoning out and as he grew, in play he would get sidetracked and then head but the floor, he then started running up and down the house crashing into things, it was like a switch one minute he was happy and  the next completely lost it ,after the anger , which he would attack anyone in his way he would become very emotional , we began keeping a diary of this as it was becoming more and more he seemed unable to concentrate on anything for any length of time without an episode, which he was just so frightened and really violent , he would say sorry a lot, it was  absolutely heartbreaking , he then started to cut out things that would cause them, he Used to love  colouring and water painting he stoped, he loved movies, he stopped watching them . 

Oscar  was booked on a corse called attention Autism, which is 6 sessions with three therapists to work on sharing attention , they were really pushing him out of his comfort zone as he was so anti textures, anti sharing , anti anything that wasn’t on his own adgenda basically we started to see progress he was very sensory and very mood lead,  

They were very intensive sessions some would end badly , he assaulted the lady one day ripped her glasss off , slapped her round the face , pulled her hair and as she bent down to cover her face he attempted to knee her , I thought my god he’s a ninja!

But again I sat back it’s actually a lot harder than you think, but they ask you to not rescue he must learn I’m not ok but that is ok work through it ,and realise after  now I’m ok work though  those situations rather than being removed from them, he has to work on conflict resolution , the situation was so intense  at the time, I had a support worker in with me reassuring me he’s ok throughout I literally had to sit on my hands!  

That whole period from about June -August was very hard for me ,I felt so alone I dealt with difficult oppositional violent behaviour everyday and I didn’t know why!!! and it was coming to a head, I just had to ride the storm get this assessment done , as back then we were gathering evidence with the periods of this behaviour we just didn’t know what it was, I was convinced he had something very serious like a Tumor and that worry eats away at you he had such a bang to his head when he was a baby and was unconscious for 45 minutes I will cover it in a separate blog as I don’t feel ready to go there fully yet  , it wasn’t until the last session when he lost it so bad smashed the room up ,attempted to run through a fire door and really hurt himself  he was running and crashing into things that I stepped in ,as I attempted to calm him down he lost consciousness, and it was witnessed and I felt so relieved ,as there’s nothing worse than trying to explain something your child is doing and you can’t, and it sounds so bad on paper you look like a liar , but now they had seen it they said they were going to get a doctor, and were booking him in for an emergency EEG as they believed  he had, had a seizure and so 4 weeks later he did have the EEG ,it did fail but he was put on epilim anyway to see if it would stop these episodes and work as a mood stabiliser, as he was presenting with some really anxious worrying behaviour and it was growing , he started epilim on 6/8/16 and didn’t have another abscence until 4/5/17 so it really did work , what happens with brain relaxants is you have to wean on and wean off, so it’s not something you can just start then give up so for me it was a really big deal, I was slowly introducing a dependence for something , we started at 1 ml his suggested dose for his weight was 5.5 ml we have to build up each week but this stuff was so strong that because he doesn’t eat well we would have to bring back down to 3.5 ml ,if he had a day where he didn’t eat , it was a slow process and it bought it’s worries but it did stop his abscences and his behaviour , it’s a really tough call to medicate without a diagnosis but the improvements were dramatic and I knew then we were back on track .

We had kept a diary and videos and when we saw his consultant  and she advised he should begin epilim ,and I almost very nearly almost refused just because I was so worried, as without diagnosis but she explained there were no long term side effects in boys for epilim ,and it would be a short term fix until we can find out what is going on .

it is now 2018 we are still on epilim they have said it could be a case of Oscar gets so overloaded that he switches his brain off , however we won’t know until he has his EEG which isn’t yet, so for now he has suspected Absence epilepsy and is medicated and it works which is good enough for me , a couple of times now he has started to have them again, and we have had to amend his dosage as he has grown and gained weight but on the hole it has really improved his wellbeing as he is so much more focused and has confidence in his play and in himself .  

Its not nice to think I’m giving him mind altering drugs so young ,but it’s also not nice to think about how frightened he is before and after an abscence as it really hits him sideways 💙 we have now noted some warning signs prior to one, also Oscar will remove his socks and shoes and his ears burn off his head , sometimes just the lobes, sometimes the tops, sometimes half an ear but they burn and swell , I don’t think it affects him but it’s a good indicator for us . 

I don’t want to wish oscars life away but I do really want the test so we know what we are dealing with but it’s when he is around 7 years old until then I continue giving him a drug he clearly needs, it’s just not clear why! 

Theres a lot of cross diagnosis in Autism I feel lots of things are related and overlap , it keeps you on your toes   , I have said this before but Oscar has been like peeling an onion, layer after layer , another possible problem another possible diagnosis but i just kind of think it’s all one of the same , I’m kind of glad I’ve been served them gradually , easing me in gently !!!  

Below is an interesting article about the links of abscence epilepsy and autism  

https://www.epilepsy.com/article/2017/3/epilepsy-and-autism-there-relationship 

This is oscars wars when they burn up  

[holbyconfessional]

Holby City S19 E13 - I Do, I Do, I Do.

What follows may be a disjointed review. And long. Sorry!  I really ought to have a rewatch before I post, but I’m not ready.  So, there may be future reblogs if I miss anything important.

Firstly, Mr T’s wedding.  I was ridiculously pleased to see Hanssen back, I always miss him when he’s gone.  And it’s remarkable how well he managed to pull the Swedish trad attire look - never more noticeable than when he and Hanssen were making their way back to find Mo after Hanssen applied his uncanny ability to see right through everyone’s personal feelings - let’s call him the Feelings Fairy, or the Fairy Feeling-Father of Holby...  But I digress.

Hanssen was great in this episode.  As just mentioned, his counselling of Mr T that it’s Mo that he loves - coupled nicely with his wedding speech with the nod to Mo about everything that is meant to be happens eventually.  Hiding in the tower, looking for woodpeckers to avoid being chased by Mama T, and just generally his reaction to the totally inappropriate sexual harrassment from the aforementioned Mama T.

Mo was great in this ep too.  She looked amazing and had some great one liners, something about Swedish feet and lack of nerve endings, or some such!  She knew what she was doing, telling Mama T about the lack of baby.  She knew Mama T would blow the whistle.  And hell, fair play, why not?  If she couldn’t do it herself, best to hand the reins over!  Also loved the birthing scene, with Mr T, Mo and baby Charleston.  (Wonder how long they get to be happy before Charlie’s life is threatened?)

Without a doubt, the undeniable star of the wedding show was the inimitable Jac Naylor, Queen of sarcasm.  She was just an absolute delight, from her first appearance in her suit, to her reluctant wedding dance and appeal to Mo to rescue her, down to her complaints about being Mo’s unplanned birthing partner for a second time.  But then just getting into the water with all her damned clothes on to help Mo out regardless.  And then, missing the drama and getting drunk...  I can say without question that Jac was the saving grace for me tonight.

HOWEVER.  I barely concentrated on a moment of the damned wedding.  Even the Jac bits just flitted before my eyes.  Because the whole episode was waiting for the next Elinor/Jason bit.  There had been no secret in the spoilers that there would be a) an accident involving Elinor and Jason, and b) Serena and Mo would be having life changing experiences.  Now, I may not be a rocket scientist, but...

So, on to the only bit I managed to really take in.

Wow, the accident happened early in the episode.  When Elinor came in wired, talking about her report that she’d written, it appeared early on that her drug use was going to play a bit part in the episode.  Actually, that theme was continued on later, when she was asking Jasmine where she could put her bag so that it was ‘out of the way’, ie hiding the evidence.  However, from that point, the drugs were not really mentioned.  I am surprised, however I suspect the issue may resurface (theories later).

The basis of the argument, or Serena supposedly keeping things from Elinor, turned out to be something as minor as Serena having stepped down as CEO and not discussed it with Elinor.  It seems silly, but I guess if Elinor is feeling a little at sea having to adjust to a new relationship in her mothers life (gender irrelevant), then I guess she’s more likely to be a bit sensitive about everything, even the littlest things.  And the drugs don’t help, kids!

Cue the racing to follow her out, and the accident - which Serena puts down to Elinor being so tired from being up all night.

Bernie was absolutely awesome, taking control.  I guess her army training coming to the fore, as she has undoubtedly got feelings for Jason herself.  She was amazing in theatre, although I felt the ‘it can’t be done’ from Morven, followed by the highly risky, almost impossible liver lac repair being successfully achieved by one Bernie Wolfe, Trauma Surgeon extraordinare was a mite heavy handed.  Especially considering later events.

Bernie’s moment after the surgery, when all her emotions came out, was just beautiful.  At the time, I was disappointed that we didnt get to see her break the good news to Serena, but again, later events explained why that wasn’t done.

Serena’s chat with (most probably shiftily playing around with drug paraphenalia) Elinor in the locker room was lovely.  I loved the attempts at openness on both sides, of course designed to make Elinor a more sympathetic character before sending her to her fate, and Serena’s game was really sweet.   Also Serena’s later reveal to Jason that she was thinking about inviting Ellie back to live with them again, ramping up the angst.

I will mention Liberty briefly, but I don’t think she deserves it.  I can’t really see the point of her character anyway, so she showed up whilst Serena had to perform life saving surgery - she served no purpose to me at all, she didn’t make Serena look bad, she just showed up then buggered off, leaving nary a ripple on my screen.

Now to Elinor’s collapse.  Naughty, naughty Jasmine.  She is a doctor, yes?  Since when is it OK for doctors to let themselves be talked out of giving a patient neuro obs?  I know people can refuse treatment, but Ellie technically didn’t do that, and hells, woman, she’s Serena’s daughter.  Mindless stupid girl.  Not endeared her to me at all.

Bernie and Serena whilst watching Ellie’s surgery were lovely.  The hand clutching for support, perfect.  And finally, Serena at Elinor’s bedside running through the neuro tests that Ellie had failed - all the basic tests to determine brain stem function.  Which seemingly is not present in Ellie.  An absolutely heartbreaking scene.  Bernie has clearly demonstrated her commitment to be there for Serena, which is great.   BUT, I do feel that this disaster has been of rather epic proportions, quite unnecessarily so.  I believe exactly the same committment could have been shown without tearing Serena’s life apart quite so dramatically.

I rather discordant note from that scene - for me - was Bernie asking Serena if Elinor was a donor.  I don’t think  Bernie should have done that at all.  She was there as Serena’s support, not a transplant co-ordinator.  And to have brought that up as a ‘spouse’, well, I think perhaps it’s a little soon in their relationship to be claiming joint parental responsibility for Elinor, especially with Elinor’s reaction to them.

This a pretty long post, seems a bit pointless to put a cut in now, but since I’m about to chuck in some speculation, here goes.

Elinor’s drug use.  As I mentioned, with the repeated nods to it within the story, it seems that Serena is still unaware..  I feel it’s likely that the discovery has something to do with the chewing out she gives Jasmine in the Autumn trailer - so that’s one way they’re going to use it.  But how will it come up now?  My main bet is that Serena will decide to donate Ellie’s organs, so something good can come out of her death.  But then some test or other will somehow highlight her drug use and render her organs unusable.  Yet another blow for Serena.  But with this theory, why do it?  Does it really add to the drama?  They’ve already established that the car accident could just have been a combination of tiredness and upset from the argument.  They didn’t need to have Elinor as a drug user - the pain tht the knowledge would have brought Serena would have been far greater in life than after Ellie’s death, surely?  It just seems extremely unnecessary - unless it really IS just a tool to allow Serena to yell at Jasmine, and surely, she’s got more than enough reason without that one.

My other theory, and I am aware that this is not going to happen (apparently some writer on Twitter categorically confirmed that Elinor was dead?) was that the drug use could have a far more interesting part to play.  In an (quite possibly outdated and superceded) medical paper from the 1980s detailing the criteria for determining brain death, as seen here, in the case of head injury combined with a history of drug use, accurate measures of brain stem activity can’t be determined until several days have passed, as drug use could cause a temporary lack of activity.  Therefore, I feel the most effective use of the storyline would be to have this happen - in other words, the drama without the death.  It would still have been unlikely in this scenario that Elinor would have recovered unscathed, so still plenty of scope for long term angst.  That, folks, is how I would’ve written it anyway :-)

Anyway, I rarely speculate quite so wildly in these reviews, so apologies.  There are a lot of feelings out there at the moment, some folks are hopeful, others disheartened, and others still are painfully affected by the story.  Regardless of which each viewer  is, it’s undeniable that it’s going to be hard to watch, because if you’re reading this, there’s a fair bet you care about the characters.  Bernie wasn’t wrong when she said that no parent should outlive their child.  As an avenue to explore Bernie’s commitment to Serena, it all seems a bit crass to me.  But we will no doubt get some amazing acting out of it.

Grief sometimes brings couples together.  But sometimes it drives them apart.  And since I’m all aboard the speculation train, I am just going to throw one last thought out there. I don’t know when JR’s contract is up, but Serena’s grief and pushing Bernie away, hell, it’s not inconceivable that a few months down the road it could be a departure storyline. Grief doesn’t pass overnight, the ramifications can be seen months down the line.  And there’s only so long Bernie can try to be there for Serena if Serena chooses to repeatedly push her away.  (Not specifically saying this is what I think will happen.  Just generally sayin’!)