#and how ed would probably be like yeah... i punch real hard... i’m a genius scientist...i yell all the time... i have long hair...

[silentwalrus1]

sum total of things ed knows about women: 1. all tougher than me, 2. i ain't one

AMHSGVCKAHFCFKGS CORRECT 

[tablefourtwo]

just another player in your drinking games (r.t)

summary based on the song drinking games by silver sphere. she hated how easily richie could act like he didn’t care, she hated how he discarded all his feelings once he was sober again, she hated how she was just another player in his drinking games.

 warnings drinking, swearing

richie tozier was on her bed, buried in her blankets at three in the morning. if it was any other day, this would've made (Y/N)’s heart flutter, but she didn't have time to acknowledge her heart as she had to rush to the boys side every minute, trying to mend his broken heart. 

could it even be called a broken heart? jesus, they dated for what? two months? (Y/N) was positive that she would rather be anywhere else right now. obviously, she would never say this to his face. she couldn't help but feel anger rise in her body. she's been chasing the curly headed boy for literal years now and he settles for ashley-fuckin-martin?

she shuts her eyes for a moment, trying to cool down before having to comfort richie again. in his defence, at least he wasn't throwing a fit anymore, (Y/N) would be in deep shit if he woke her parents up.

(Y/N) stopped listening to what the boy was saying but through the words she managed to string together, most of them being curses, she knew she had to say something. “you know what?” she started, turning to lock eyes with tozier. cutting him off when he was going off about how he did something wrong. 

“fuck ashley, you didn't do shit, you don’t deserve this.” she hissed, “don’t beat yourself up over this. you- you don’t deserve this.” (Y/N) sighed, watching as richie’s tears slowly decreased.

“this sucks, really fucking bad, but you make it alright.” richie smiled softly, speaking in a voice just above a whisper. it was meant to be a friendly thank you, he would've done the same to eds or stanley. thats what (Y/N) told herself, but as he looked up at her, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose, she found it hard to think of a smart remark to make like she usually did.

“yeah, don’t worry about it, rich.” (Y/N) laughed, hoping that he wouldn't notice how her heart was beating a million miles a minute. 

fuck, she needed to stop getting attached to every little thing he says.

when (Y/N) offered to do anything to make richie feel better, she didn't think that attending a party was anything close to what he would suggest, this was alright though, she told herself. 

(Y/N) smiled, tozier was right. she watched as he laughed with his friends, red plastic cup in hand, to her, he was literally glowing. like he wasn’t just crying in her arms. why did she chase after him? why did she torture herself like this? every time she looked at him she was reminded of what she couldn't have. why did she waste so much time when she knew he wouldn't be hers?

as people started filling out of the house, (Y/N) had started to sober up. richie hadn't talked to her the whole party - except for their game of beer pong - so she didn't really have a reason to stay, but what else was there to do in derry?

“(Y/N)?” richie slurred, coughing into his sleeve, squinting behind his glasses. (Y/N) beamed as the boy slowly walked up to her. “what’re you still doing here?” he swallowed. 

“i was actually just talking to connor, you know, the one from bio? he said i have pretty eyes.” (Y/N) giggled, eyebrows raised. richie took a second to process what she had just said before contouring his face into one of disgust. “connor? ugh.” richie exclaimed, his tongue sticking out of his mouth as he pretended to gag.

(Y/N) thought it would be easier to just play along, laughing before an awkward silence washed over the both of them. “walk me home?” richie shrugged, “sure.” (Y/N) didn't miss how he carelessly agreed, how if there was a better option, she’d be thrown aside. he didn't care if she got home safe. no, of course he cared, as a friend.

(Y/N) had to slow down her usual fast paced steps to keep up with richie’s slow treading. sure, richie was drunk, but it didn't take a genius to realise that (Y/N) was staring at him. he felt as if she was burning holes into the side of his face. 

it wasn't like she could help it. once every few minutes, she’d find herself imposing all her attention onto richie. how the dim moonlight illuminated his face, how she had to dig her nails into her palms to keep herself from combing her fingers through his soft looking curls.

every time (Y/N) turned to look at richie, she hoped that he would look back at her. he never did. she had to hide her growing frown as the pair approached her house. 

(Y/N) stood on her porch so she was closer to eye level with richie now. she was thankful that he thought she was drunk so that she didn’t have to hide her blush like she usually did. 

“thanks again for tonight, (Y/N/N),” richie smiled, hiccuping. “and yesterday.” he mumbled. “it’s cool, just don’t almost punch my wall down again next time you come over.” she joked. 

the two continued to stare at each other for a while, richie, probably drunk out of his mind and not knowing what was going on–– but (Y/N)’s gaze was out of pure admiration. love.

when would be a better time to do this? kiss the boy, (Y/N)! the worse thing that could happen is he doesn't remember it. this is it, this is the only chance you’re gonna get. 

(Y/N)’s thoughts ran wild so to ease them she shut her eyes and leaned in. richie’s eyebrows knotted together and he didn't shut his eyes, when (Y/N) realised that she instantly pulled away. 

“we’re drunk.” he murmurs, very much sober now, trying to blink himself awake.

“yeah, yeah, no, duh.” (Y/N) starts blinking rapidly, tears quickly forming in her eyes.

richie nodded hesitantly, “(Y/N), are you alright?” he frowns, a string of curse words leaving his mouth as tears start running down her face.

“peachy, tozier. really, my parents are gonna kill me if they catch us out here, i’m gonna go.” (Y/N) laughs through the tears.

“once we’re sober, we should just— forget!” (Y/N) hears richie before opening the door to her house. it was probably meant to sound comforting and she lets out a genuine laugh at that.

(Y/N) hadn’t talked to richie in a week, this had been the longest the pair had gone without seeing each other so when her home phone rang she quickly picked up, instantly forgetting about the events that had occurred just a few days ago.

“(Y/N).” richie’s bright voice sounded in her ears.

“rich.” she smiled sadly, fiddling with the phone chord in her fingers.

“look (Y/N/N). i have to make this quick but- about what happened-” he stuttered.

“don’t worry about that, it was a mistake, i was- super drunk.” (Y/N) lied, she heard a sigh of relief.

“thank fuck, (Y/N). i was so scared that it would screw up our friendship.”

(Y/N) smiled, but she thought that if richie focused hard enough, he would be able to hear (Y/N)’s heart breaking through the phone.

“yeah.”

“i care but- it was a mistake.” richie laughed. (Y/N) hummed in response as she shut her eyes. tears flowing down her face now.

“Uh- ashley apologised and, and it was really real you know? it felt sincere and shit.”

(Y/N) lowered the phone from her face before letting out a laugh. she raised the phone back to her face and had to purse her lips so that he wouldn’t hear her sobs. “that’s good, Rich.”

“okay. well, i gotta go but hang soon, alright? and i can’t tell you about how happy i am that we’re still cool. you’re the best, (Y/N/N).”

[crimes-and-gelato]

Only Half a Blue Sky (Chapter 6)

Pairing: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes

A/N: If you're still here, thank you for staying. And I'm sorry for adding another chapter, because I wanted to write a long one to tie everything up, only for my real life drama to hinder my writing. So, I'm sorry for cutting y'all short with this chapter. But at least we still have another one next week. Yayyy???This one is unbeta-ed because I wrote it sooo late, I couldn't find the heart to burden someone with my unchecked grammar. So, if there are any spelling mistakes or grammar error, please look at it with kindness and tell me in a soft voice, yeah? Thanks.Chapter title is from Maroon 5's Daylight, because that song is about leaving. Or well, that's how I perceive it.Also just T/W: there is detailed (but not really because I can't write) torture in this chapter, and assumption that Tony is dead. If that's not for you, I'll see you next week where it'll be more fluff. This whole chapter is just angst. Okay, now on you go. Enjoy.

**

**

if the hurt comes so will happiness. -be patient || rupi kaur 

**

**

Cold is the first thing that registers into his mind as he slowly gains consciousness. The pain follows like an inevitable addition to the discomfort. Why is JARVIS not doing anything about the temperature? He should be at least warm even when he’s in pain.

He’s about to ask his AI to turn the heat up; only that, he opens his eyes to an unfamiliar surrounding. The words die in his tongue.

Where is he? What is this cold, semi-dark place that smells of rust and decay? He tries to rummage his hazy brain for clues. And the only thing that answers him back is more pain. God, his head feels like he’s been hammered by Thor himself. It takes him back to those mornings with a hangover. Only worse.

Shit! His head is pounding so bad it makes him nauseous just opening his eyes and looking around for clues as to where the fuck he is.

Oh, and he’s tied up to a metal chair. Great! Why didn’t he notice that before? Right, because his brain was having a hard time processing everything with how painful it is to even blink.

And gosh, lucky him, he’s got burns littered all over his arms and legs. A few lacerations too on places he can’t specify, because every inch of him hurts that it’s hard to figure out which part of him is not aching. Just fucking fantastic!

At least his not bleeding out… yet. No, he’s only being held hostage on an ugly looking chair. Fucking fantastic indeed. And of course, very classic: kidnappers and chairs. When will villains get creative? Tony can think of other ways to hold people hostage. Not that he’s ever going to share them with the bad guys.

So, how did he end up here?

He scans his memory for clues again because his heart rate is starting to quicken, and the arc reactor in his chest suddenly feels too heavy, that it’s making it difficult for his lungs to distribute the correct amount of oxygen in his body. And he’s not looking forward to the worst case scenario when he’s still in a middle of another worst case scenario.

He needs to keep calm and think of solutions, because if he looks closely into his current predicament it’ll only spiral him into thoughts that’ll push him into a panic attack. He can’t have that right now.

He can’t.

He can’t. Not even when everything about this reminds him of Afghanistan. The cold, the rusty smell of decaying metal, the foul scent of an unkempt room. Somewhere he can hear a faint water droplet that makes his stomach churn at the thought of dirty water and lack of oxygen.

Tony shakes his head to control his rogue thoughts. He’s not going down that rabbit hole. It’s not going to help him get out.

‘I see that you’re awake, Mr. Stark.’ A man appears from the only opening in the room. His English is accented with Russian that completely matches his hard military feature. He fits the perfect role of a HYDRA agent.

‘We’ll it’s hard to stay asleep when your place lacks warmth and cosiness,’ he replies and tries to ignore the uncomfortable dryness in his throat. ‘Also,’ he gestures to his handcuffs, ‘we need to work on consents and safewords for this kind of thing, don’t you think?’

The evil man smiles, showing off chunky yellowish teeth. ‘It’s amazing how you still have humour after all that injury.’ He moves closer, right in front of Tony’s chair. ‘Guess that’s a good thing.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes, Mr. Stark.’ He takes a stool from the side and occupies it. ‘You see, we need you alive at least.’ He studies Tony’s face, and his eyes gleam of something sadistic. He smiles again and it makes the genius shiver because he doesn’t like this man’s wicked eyes that promises pain. ‘Things apparently didn’t go as planned.’

‘It doesn’t always,’ Tony agrees just to humour this villain. ‘Word of advice? Accept it and move on.’

Another wicked smile as he scratches one of his eyebrow with his pinky. ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’ He pulls out a short knife from his back. His adept fingers plays with it, tosses the blade from one hand to the other. ‘We’ve figured something out.’

‘Who is this we?’ He’s trying not to look intimidated by the sight of the knife. ‘HYDRA?’

‘Can’t tell you… because then, I have to kill you.’

Tony’s not sure if the stranger is humouring him as well, or he’s being honest. But he did say that they — whoever they is — needs him alive. So, they’re not going to kill him. That doesn’t mean that this bad guy won’t make him suffer though. Sadistic bastard!

‘The thing is…’ The man throws the knife in the air and snatches it swiftly, just to plunge it on Tony’s thigh.

The groan escapes his lips as the pain spreads into his body. And here he’s thinking that he’s numb to feel any pain with how much every nerve ending is burning from his injury from the explosion.

Yes, there was an explosion when they were trying to infiltrate a lab that the officials said to be of HYDRA. The officials wanted it to seem like they’re doing government check-ups on private organisation. But it seems like there was a mole on Bruce’s alliance team.

‘We really need a safeword,’ he jokes through gritted teeth.

‘It won’t be necessary as long as you tell your friends to give us back the sceptre,’ the man whispers into Tony’s ear, hand gripping on the knife handle and twisting it slightly, earning him another muffled groan from the engineer. ‘And they could send back the soldier as well,’ he adds. ‘Tell them to obey… or else they’ll have your body, back in a bag.’

‘Is that why you need me?’ The blade sinks further. ‘As leverage?’ He chuckles darkly and the man leans back away, looking at Tony like the genius has lost his mind. ‘That’s a very stupid plan.’

‘Oh please… They’ll bargain for you,’ the man spits, putting on his sadistic mask again. ‘You’re their precious teammate. An important person in society.’ He produces another knife. ‘Surely, they’ll come for you and exchange you for the Winter Soldier.’

‘Not really.’ Tony shakes his head and has the greatest urge to tell this idiot of the truth. How, firstly, there is no way in seven hells Captain America will ever let James near these assholes. Neither will Tony, over his dead body. And secondly, there’s no room for argument that his life can be use as a bargaining chip in exchange for the life of those who will be affected if HYDRA gets their hands on the sceptre. Because duh… he’s not worth it.

Back on his first reason. Has these idiots forgotten that Steve is bonded to James, and would probably sacrifice anyone — much less Tony Stark — to keep his soulmate safe? Seriously, bad guys should study the laws of soul bonding too because they are just clueless as to how far people would go for those they love.

‘I’m being honest with you, buddy,’ he says. ‘They won’t exchange Winter and the sceptre for the likes of me.’ He shrugs. ‘So, unless you have another plan, it’s better if you change route right now.’

The man doesn’t believe him. ‘I’ll come back for you when you’re ready to talk, Mr. Stark.’ The second knife vanishes, but thank goodness not under Tony’s flesh. But the bloke did twist the knife that’s still attached to Tony’s thigh before he leaves the room. Probably going to report to his masters.

Tony’s not sure why he’s trying to convince his tormentor that he’s team cares so little for him. He blames it on the lack of common sense and sanity when all he can register is the pain. The last time it hurt like this it’s because he was betrayed. And he was betrayed because he deserved it — he deserves to be alone since he’s never going to be good enough.

His burns, the old wounds, and the new one eats away his logic. Maybe it’s true that the team won’t come for him, especially not Steve who won’t even risk James’ safety. And he agrees with that.

Maybe Rhodey will come for him. But his platypus is busy fighting more important battles that’ll save myriad of people who deserves to live. Not like Tony.

And Pepper — his dear lovely Pepper — who manages his company better than he did, making sure that every single employee is taken care of. Pepper will also not come for him, it’s protocol that SI will never pay ransom money for him.

No one will come for him. No one. So, he should probably stop staring at the door like someone’s going to come busting in and rescue him.

He doesn’t know how long he stares at the door. But he sees the man returning with renewed hope and sadism in his posture.

‘Have you still not changed your mind, Mr. Stark?’ The evil minion occupies his stool once again.

‘Now that I think about it… I never got your name,’ he says. ‘So, what is your name? Or does HYDRA do the whole Hunchman One, Hunchman Two, etcetera thing?’

‘Well,’ the man sits comfortably like he’s simply lounging around with Tony, ‘if it’s all the same to you,’ the punch completely catches Tony off guard, so did the pain, ‘I’d rather not get us both acquainted.’

There’s a new addition to his collection of pain with that blow. There’s a fresh batch of headache that follows the other one that had just ebbed from the explosion. Ah, just his luck.

Tony spits blood on the floor and glares at his oppressor.

‘Beg your Avengers, Mr. Stark,’ he orders. ‘Beg for them.’ Another blow to the other side of his face. ‘Or else, I’ll have too much fun breaking you.’

**

**

It’s cold. It’s always cold, Tony notices. And he’s not sure where he is. He’s sure the bastards that have kidnapped him had stripped him of all his tracking device. Maybe it’s time to install one deep within his flesh like JARVIS had suggested.

And his suit, no one has mentioned about his suit. They must have abandoned it somewhere. Smart of them, because the suit has a tracking device, a good one too.

He needs to escape. He’s not going to be leverage for these assholes. They’re not going to be able to use him, no matter the amount of colourful addition on his face, not to mention the twin knives that’s sunk on both his thighs.

Everything hurts. Everything.

There’s that annoying sound of a slow water drip from inside the room as well. It’s damn irritating, especially that it seems to echo the blood that drips from both of his twinning thigh wounds. Fuck, everything hurts, but at the same time he’s slowly losing feeling on his legs.

Few more hours and he’s going to to bleed out. And this could be it for him.

He lost count of the time Mike — that’s what he calls his instigator, the man didn’t appreciate it (rude much) and lands a rather heavy blow on Tony’s left lung — had come into the room to wreck him into submission. Tony is very close to his breaking point. He can feel his sanity slipping away with each punch that lands his face and body, with each twist of the knife, and the amount of pooling blood beneath him.

His tormentor has promised a much better means next time he sees him; something wet he said, that had Tony’s breath hitching with fear at the vague indication. He’s still have nightmares about dirty water and gasping for air. And that might just be the last straw that breaks the camels back.

But he can’t give up now. He can’t break now. Stark men are made of iron, his own subconscious repeats over and over again. He hates it because his own subconscious sounds like his father’s voice.

And just like he had done before, Tony draws strength to the one thing that grounds him and gives him peace of mind when everything falls apart.

‘Steve,’ he whispers in reverence as if on prayer. ‘Steve.’ He smiles a little, the name tastes safe in his mouth, easing some of his discomfort. His soulmate to Steve Rogers — Captain America, the guy who lost everything and still managed to survive, the guy who Tony wants to become, the man he wants to be with. Brave and wonderful Steve Rogers: Tony’s soulmate. ‘I think… I might miss you, Steve.’

The tears that pool his eyes finally run down his cheeks as he closes his eyes in the hope to never wake up to more suffering. Death doesn’t seem so bad, right? Everyone he loves is safe. His team have recovered Loki’s sceptre — based on Mike’s tantrum — and they’ll be able to end HYDRA once and for all.

And that’s his last thought before darkness finally takes him.

**

**

Everything is in chaos: Tony Stark is missing. And Bucky’s not ready to face the worst case scenario that it completely breaks him; that’s how Steve finds him when the rest of the Avengers returned back home after being unsuccessful in locating Tony in Europe. They have all decided to recoup and plan.

Steve had to fix him back together after his melt down, and he feels bad for stealing Steve’s own rights to mourn for his missing teammate — and probably, the man Steve loves that he doesn’t know yet. It’s embarrassing to need Steve like that because it had always been the other way around, with him taking care of Stevie. But times can change.

It wasn’t his best moment as well, he gets clingy and panicky when he’s not in the same room as Steve, or when he doesn’t see the man. And the weight of Tony’s loss still brands his chest like an empty crater. It’s the sort of ache that won’t go away. It’s the sort of ache that squeezes your heart time and time again just to remind you that it’s there.

Twenty-four hours later, they received a message from the low class HYDRA franchise in Sokovia that had held Tony hostage. They are trying to hold the genius ransom for Loki’s magical sceptre (which Thor and Loki had successfully retrieved). And for him, the Winter Soldier.

Bucky wanted to say yes… to both. He doesn’t give a fuck what happens to him or to that blasted sceptre. All he wants is for Tony to be safe, to come home. But of course, that decision isn’t up to him, and he knows that if they all follow his thinking it’d be a disaster, because honestly, he’s not even logical.

Well, they can’t blame him, he’s not very sane to begin with. Your soulmate being threatened and in the face of danger doesn’t make the most rational human being either. So, he waits, instead of voicing out his idiotic ideas.

But it’s hard to ignore his questionable ideas when a cryptic video arrives eight hours after the offer has been announced. And that video alone makes what’s left of his sane brain cells perish, because the video is awful. Painful to watch.

There’s this bald Russian guy that tortures Tony to beg the Avengers to rescue him in exchange for the sceptre and Bucky. The methods are simple: a few punches and a few stabbing. Nothing worse than Bucky had gone under HYDRA’s hands. But then, Bucky’s a super soldier, who heals easily; Tony on the other hand is a non-powered human, looking all bruised and battered with his injuries from the explosion and now the current tormenting.

It’s wreaking to watch. They were all angry, he can tell. Even Bruce who is usually relax looks a little green. Natasha is physically an embodiment of chaos and destruction at the sight of the second knife digging into Tony’s thigh.

‘JARVIS, I hope you’re tracking the source of this video.’ There’s a hardness in Steve’s voice that he’s never heard before. Steve is usually gentle when speaking to people, especially towards JARVIS or the bots.

‘On it, Captain,’ JARVIS replies severely.

The video only last five minutes, but it feels longer. It plays on a loop, with them cursing every second of it. But they have to study it, in case it clues them to where Tony’s being hold up.

Every quiet groan and tormented scream rams into Bucky’s soul like ton of brick. Mutely, he promises terrible pain to those who’ve caused Tony’s painful screeches. Morality be damned. There is blood and suffering to be paid in full.

**

**

It takes two more days for the next video to arrive. It contains the same stomach churning gore of Tony’s torture. They can all see how the genius slowly withering, despite how he still has his sass intact.

‘Can’t that alien god help locate him?’ Bucky demands, watching the newest set of video for too many times that he knows isn’t healthy. His therapist would disapprove. ‘What use is his magic?’

Steve looks just as weary as Bucky is. They all do, but he thinks him and Steve has it worse. His other soulmate is being maimed, and somehow he thinks Steve can feel the negative and dark energy within him. It might has something to do with how they are soul bond.

So, Captain America has to shoulder Bucky’s hidden anxiety, and he has to worry for his friend. Hence, Steve looking worse for wear.

‘It’s not that easy, Buck.’ Steve runs a hand over his tired face. ‘We’ll find him.’ The blond reaches out a hand to comfort, but Bucky moves away from it. Hurt and confusion mixes in Steve’s face.

‘But when, Stevie?’ he shouts. ‘When he’s dea—’

‘Don’t say that,’ Steve cuts him off sharply. ‘Tony’s one of the strongest people I know.’ He squares his jaw as if daring Bucky to challenge the unquestionable faith in his voice. ‘And we’re doing our best to find him… And we will.’

Being pessimistic probably doesn’t help anyone. And really, he’s only hurting himself by thinking of the worst. Yes, the worst could happen. But not now, not when he’s got Steve to tell him that it won’t. He’ll believe Steve, he always will. Steve could believe for the both of them.

Because god, if the worst do happen, Bucky’s not sure how he will survive. He probably won’t, right? He doesn’t think he’s that strong to survive this heartbreak. He can deal with HYDRA and all their torture, but not the loss of a soulmate. That feels too impossible. Even now, just looking at Tony suffering is killing Bucky, too.

‘We’ll find him, Buck.’ Steve pulls him in a hug, which he accepts because he knows the blond needs it, too. ‘We’ll find him.’

It’s almost a miracle Steve doesn’t ask him about his rather passionate feelings towards Tony Stark. But maybe Steve doesn’t notice it as well, too lost in his own worry for the genius.

**

**

The next video comes sixteen hours after the last one, Steve and Bucky were the one standing vigil for any news. The team had developed a schedule to have someone — usually a pair — wait up for important updates. Not that any of them get any sleep longer than two hours when they are not on duty. Ever since Tony was gone, sleep has been a scarce commodity in the tower.

The video holds the usual disgusting torture of the engineer. But this time Tony looks like he’s at his breaking point. The pool of blood on the floor is also concerning. There’s a haunting paleness in Tony’s face that makes Bucky’s chest twist painfully.

Tony looks weak and fragile and broken. And it’s heart-wrenching to see that he deflates the ball he’s been playing with the bots. There’s far no greater pain than watching his soulmate slowly ebb to death.

‘Steve,’ comes Tony’s weak voice from the video.

Bucky has long accepted that Tony had feelings for Steve, just as Steve has feelings for Tony. But witnessing it so bluntly is something else. He waits for the pain or jealousy to come. Surely, it’s inevitable for him to feel any of the two or both, given that his soulmate uttered someone else’s name when all hope is lost in Tony’s eyes and Steve’s name sounded like a saving grace.

The pain or jealousy didn’t arrive. Yes, there is pain, but it’s the same one he’s been nursing since Tony had gone missing and was tortured.

Bucky aches for his imprisoned soulmate. And he’s about to tell Steve that they really need to fasten shit up and rescue the genius, because he can’t stand these awful videos anymore.

‘Wha—’ Steve’s motionless as he stares into the monitor, horror and confusion sits on his face.

‘Stevie?’ He reaches for his soulmate in concern. A hand on the blond’s shoulder for support. Did the videos finally break Steve as well?

Steve’s tortured expression turns to Bucky, his lips are agape, but no words passes them. ‘Buck,’ he says like he’s remembering Bucky’s there. He holds on to Bucky’s outstretch arm like it’s the only thing that’s keeping him upright. ‘Tony… h-he’s… he’s…’

It’s a good thing that Bucky’s a super soldier because Steve is heavy with how he’s relying all of his weight on Bucky’s arm. He’s never seen his soulmate so startled and terrified.

‘Oh god,’ Steve mumbles quietly with disbelief and fright as he looks everywhere but Bucky’s own worried face.

Steve’s action is scaring Bucky, and he’s about to ask the blond man what’s wrong when —

‘Steve,’ Tony mutters again.

Steve whips his head back to the screen in a flash that Bucky’s amaze he didn’t break his neck in the process. Steve’s sudden alertness to Tony’s call is an embodiment of a siren calling to a sailor; like a sunflower following the sun in the sky.

But god is it clear to Bucky what’s happening. It’s written all over Steve’s face with how his eyes looks like he’s seeing Tony for the first time.

One single word.

One single name.

Bucky knows by experience what it feels like to have Tony say your name for the first time and be envelop by a phantom sense of safety and happiness. It’s like finding meaning to life all over again, and being lulled in euphoria. But he can’t imagine what it’s like for Steve when there’s also that dreadful emotion of fear for the life of a soulmate which had sat painfully on Bucky’s chest for days now. A few days that felt like years.

‘I think… I might miss you, Steve,’ Tony says as he closes his eyes.

They both stare at the screen in silence. Waiting for the genius to say something more.

But nothing.

Tony remains still. So still that Steve’s hand grips on Bucky’s so tightly it hurts.

Damn it, Tony! Open your eyes! Bucky yells mentally in anger and desperation. Please… Please. He watches and waits for any sign of motion.

The seconds tick by, but Tony continues to be static.

Open your eyes, doll! His own hand digs into Steve’s shoulder as they both try to support each other. Open your eyes.

‘No,’ Steve says in defeat and heartbreak. ‘Tony.’ His voice is wet and bleak and aching.

And Bucky mutely asks for some miracle, staring at Tony’s motionless body on the screen. It doesn’t fit Tony to be this still when he’s always full of energy and life.

God no, Bucky thinks as the tears cascade his cheek.

**

[softnorwegians]

hi there! i've loved your blog and skam insights for so long, and was really intrigued about what you wrote in your tags about how the use of cherry wine re even's pov was masterful. if you were interested, i'd love to here more about your thoughts in relation to even and cherry wine. no pressure though! sending lots of love, esp after your recent car accident - i've been in one before and they really are so scary and traumatic. i hope you're okay xxx

Aww, thank you, that’s so sweet~ I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through it too but yeah, it shakes you up even when everyone is okay. I think it’s one of those moments that just makes you remember how much is out of your control. I’m honored to have been a go-to blog for so long, it’s hard to believe someone could still be interested in more over a year later! hahaha, I keep thinking I’ve meta-ed all I possibly can… yet somehow, there’s still a little more to scratch? I don’t think I have too much to say except the obvious but I’ll say that for you! 💕 

Okay, so, at that point, we’d already established a lot: song lyrics as a mode of communication from Even, his love of Nas, and more than that, the music in Skam s3 had already been very meta, it’s almost a larger-than-life part of the show. The use of Cherry Wine stands out for me because it came at this heightened moment; there probably wasn’t a time in the season when viewers more wanted an update than after that Friday when everything fell apart. So, we wound up in this interesting place, where we were more ready and anxious to hear from Even than Isak was. The lyrics of Cherry Wine are moving in and of themselves but I think they were even more so because… we immediately get it. That Even doesn’t feel like he can reach out more than indirectly and his meaning with this one is really transparent. It starts here:

The noise in my head, the curse of the talented

Which pings right away as him acknowledging his bipolar, an emotional moment in itself because it’s really the first time we get to see him do that. It’s the first time that Isak and Even and the audience are all on the same page here. In the same text we get:

Strong communicator,vagabondI gallivant around the equator, And that would get me off the radar

Less direct but there’s this sense of owned unreliability (vagabond, gallivant) and also not wanting to be seen (get me off the radar, though I like the other copy of the lyrics that he didn’t use better “if that would get me off the radar”) that really clicks with Even as we’ve seen him; seemingly confident, unpredictable, and in this place of not wanting to tell Isak (before it came out on its own). 

Then there’s a break and next:

It’s so intense, I’m on my Lilo and StitchPour my Pino Grigio with some lime what is this?

Again, it’s an easy read to see him relating this to being bipolar with “It’s so intense, I’m on my Lilo and Stitch”. There’s even a sense of being in a usual state (with on marking it as not always something happening but my marking it something reoccurring and personal) of being pulled in two directions (Lilo and Stitch) there. 

An immaculate version of me and my babyWith all respect ‘cause you the only one that gets me

This keys in perfectly with us just having established ‘baby’ as their petname of choice in the scene the night before. And “an immaculate version” fits really well with that night too, with the white sheets and “uendelig” and the purity of that moment, as well as all the different ‘versions’ of Isak-and-Even being their thing. (This is especially notable as a lyrical pick Even would have had to make himself, because that’s the clean version of the lyrics and not the original ones.) And obviously “With all respect ‘cause you the only one that gets me”… my heart. 😭😭😭 That line really hurts because Even is putting it all out there, how much being with Isak has meant to him, how real it’s been for him and how he’s felt like Isak really gets him… but it’s only coming after Isak is thinking he doesn’t really know him at all. Which Even would be well aware was likely to be happening right now.

Where is he? The man who was just like meI heard he was hiding somewhere I can’t seeWhere is he? The man who was just like meHeard he was hiding somewhere I can’t see

And then obviously this hurtssss too because you know it’s a question Even probably asked in more than one way, he probably did ask where Isak was when he was coming down from the episode and now he’s more figurative asking it. And once again reinforcing the connection and similarity between them, right as he’s aware it might be breaking… ouch.

And I’m alone and I realize that when I get homeI wanna go through my red and my cherryYes, I’m alone and I realize when I get homeI wanna go through my red and my cherry

“And I’m alone and I realize that when I get home” just… it makes me think Julie Andem had this song in mind all along when structuring the end of ep 8. This is why it feels so masterful, it’s speaking for Even without requiring him to actually speak. We couldn’t really get anymore from Even at this point because Isak is our pov character and he isn’t ready to talk to him again but Cherry Wine brings us through exactly what Even must have gone through post 15:15-1:01 himself. On one hand, there’s an underlying unease you get from the resignation of “And I’m alone” moving to “Yes, I’m alone”. It fits into how he feels alone in his brain and also how he was talking the night before about losing what they had, anticipating it before it happened. The melancholy and yearning feeling of this section, the reaching out with “I wanna go through my red and my cherry” is perfect to bring you from Even last night to Even now. It’s especially poignant, how much the lyrics are about searching and calling out. As he’s showing by sending these lyrics in the first place, Even might have been telling himself that losing Isak was inevitable but he doesn’t want to. He’s still reaching out with this, it’s just in a very heartbreaking way.

Yeah, yeah, let’s pour some cherry wineEverything’s good, everything’s fineYeah, yeah, we bring it every timeYeah, pour a little cherry wine

Yeah, hey yo, salaam, yeah, I think they know the timeEverything’s good, everything’s fineYeah, pour a little cherry wine, yeahLife is good, life is good, yeah

Life is good, no matter whatLife is good, life is goodLife if [sic] good, yeah, no matter whatLife is good

And then the lyrics end with this repetition of both “Everything’s good, everything’s fine” and “Life is good” that here reads like an attempt at self-reassurance, an attempt to keep things together when things clearly aren’t fine and Even isn’t able to see that “life is good” at all. The staccato repetition of the end is something that becomes a good split between Even and Isak’s perspectives too: for Even, it feels like he needs to keep repeating this to himself, keep trying to tell himself this and for Isak, it emphasizes how all of this is speeding past as he reads, not really getting through and seeming an incomprehensible stream of words.

That’s the other real point of genius with this, it’s well established to us that Isak isn’t getting all this from the lyrics. The clip opens with this tense, ominous guitar riff and Isak reading about bipolar disorder and the sound of all these texts coming in close together that he’s ignoring. So of course we get it, that he doesn’t get it. That it seems like maybe another inexplicable thing Even is doing because he’s manic, that it reminds Isak too much of the incoherent strings of biblical texts that he gets from his mother and ignores. It also opens with this already in progress (the first thing we hear is a text arriving) and since the lyrics we get are the end of the song, it’s very likely Even has been sending him the whole thing. Which makes it easier for us to do a targeted reading on what Even means by this but harder for Isak. 

And then there’s this really nice other layer that comes with Skam being very grounded in the real world, that you can go read about the song and any meta about it does exist for them too. So this time, it was such a punch in the gut to have someone point out after this clip:

Annnnnnd know that Even would most likely know that as a fan of Nas. You can even go back and pick through the rest of the lyrics we didn’t see him send and do a deep read on them too, like “I want some who like the champagne I like / My a-alike, someone to talk me off the bridge any day or night” and know Even is over there connected to this too. So now we get to go into this week hearing about what Even is feeling from Even himself… and yet we kind of got this message under Isak’s nose. He was there, he read it too but only we fully got the message. This was just such a smart way to make use of his limited perspective.

Cherry Wine is more vital than it might seem because it’s really our one window into Even’s thoughts before we get his text in at the end of ep 9. I think it serves to get us there, to see just how deeply this could have effected him, when we have an idea of how much Even much is trying to say and the response being “Hi Even. I don’t understand shit right now. Stop texting me.” It allows us to be more in Even’s head with the depth of the loss he feels, which is important when he’s about to go to such a low place after this.