#and i also want to write which i consider to be a separate thing from the rest of this

[alexanderlightweight]

Hi!!!! I'm absolutely obsessed with your vampire malec and arranged marriage malec, and I'd love to read more if you ever feel up for it! sfw/nsfw hope you're having a good Wednesday<3

yeah i got way into writing this scene because it's the morning after they marry and this is where the drama starts to build. so i hope you enjoy. i say drama, i mean. like besides the heavy themes it's more like... mutual misunderstandings? but not in bad ways. i have no fucking clue how to describe this fic ever. it's like... both the misunderstandings and the truth lead to the same place so it's fine? and like the angst is... 'oh no i adore him and i can't trust him. i have to keep him so close that when he betrays me i can just cauterize the wound and keep him' and 'i'm going to prove how much i love him if i have to destroy the clave and also if i make him sad i will die' kind of angst.

<3 lumine

the bitter trap of truth

Magnus wakes with a nephilim in his arms.

It shouldn’t be a shock considering he married one less than twenty-four hours ago, but it’s still not something he expected.

The sex was supposed to be ritualistic.

In fact Magnus would have been fine just fucking on the floor — after all, hate fucking didn’t need a bed — or if things were civil enough he had a… well not a guest room perhaps. But a room prepared separately from his own for his nephilim spouse.

Except they did not fuck on the floor, or at least not yet.

And the sex they had wasn’t hate sex.

It was actually some of the sweetest, eagerest and most tender sex Magnus has ever had despite how enthusiastic and at times rough it got. And that’s not even considering how —without any effort on his part—  he had Alexander’s begging him constantly simply to keep touching him and kissing him and talking to him and well… Magnus has some thoughts to put in order.

Eventually.

Because currently, he’s not leaving Alexander here in his bed, alone.

Not because Alexander shouldn’t have access to his room unsupervised — monitoring magic has already been threaded through the entirety of Magnus’ lair — but because he doesn’t want to.  He wants to see Alexander wake.  He wants to see what those hazel eyes show during those first moments of rare unguarded emotions and the truths Alexander’s sleep-vulnerable body will tell him.

It’s obvious when his shadowhunter wakes up.

Alexander stiffens, he goes cold and hard in Magnus’ arms and just as Magnus is about to give up and let go and realize that last night was probably just Alexander being relieved at not having sex with a woman, his shadowhunter relaxes. 

It’s because he sees Magnus’ hand where it rests low on Alexander’s belly. With Magnus’ ringed fingers digging into the skin with a possessive intensity.

Long, calloused fingers cover Magnus’ own as Alexander gives a little sigh of content relief and then, pets his fingers over Magnus’.  He wriggles back too, gently and stealthily but he’s trying to get more skin-to-skin contact and the moment Magnus just gives in and pulls Alexander completely flush against him, his boy sighs with pleasure.

“You slept deeply.” Is the only thing Magnus can think to say, because aren’t nephilim supposed to be alert and wary and often go days without sleeping in enemy and hostile territory?

“You wore me out.” Alexander doesn’t sound upset, if anything he sounds gleefully pleased. “And I can’t imagine having trouble sleeping when it’s in your arms.”

Magnus really needs to get a handle on this.

Soon.

Because he’s about five more sentences from Alexander and marrying them the warlock way as well. Which would be incredibly irrational and foolish and irresponsible yet Magnus doesn’t want to let this go.

Whatever Alexander is planning. 

Whatever is going through his intelligent, beautiful mind, Magnus is going to figure it out. Whatever threats are the deadly thorns hidden by Alexander’s beauty, Magnus will neutralize them and he’ll keep Alexander.

Because he doubts very much that he can give this up now that he’s had this and it can’t all be faked.

Nephilim are hardly good actors and Alexander — despite his stoicism — is fairly easy to read.  Which makes it all the more confusing and harder to truly trust him.  However what Magnus can trust in is that Alexander is attracted to him.

That was clearly not something the Clave had planned and well, Magnus will use it to his advantage.

However he needs to and can.

—

Alec really doesn’t want to wake up.

He’s never felt this rested or this content and small moments of joy almost always mean something terrible is about to occur.  It’s about at that moment he registers another person in bed with him and his mind blanks in a blind panic.

It’s bad enough that he had to get married and drug himself into sleeping with a woman but to sleep peacefully and restfully next to her as well? Alec is about to bite off his own tongue because clearly, the aphrodisiac was more powerful than he thought and he is not dealing with this, until he takes one final inhale.

The scent of sandalwood and sex and sweat confuse him, because those scents comfort him even if they’re only newly familiar.  Like the memory of a dream and then fingers flex on his belly and he looks down with a sigh of desperate relief.

Magnus.

Some part of Alec’s sleep-muddled mind had thought he’d been a dream.

— how else could someone so amazing be possible? —

Magnus is the culmination of the desperate tangle of Alec’s deepest desires and hopes and it’s with euphoria that Alec tries to soak up as much of Magnus’ skin against. Sharing in the warmth of his husband — Alec is married and to a man — and he delights in it.

Magnus’ fingers twitch under his own, digging deeper into his skin as Magnus pulls him back, flush against him and so close that he can feel every exhale and inhale Magnus makes.

Magnus may be teasing him — Alec isn’t stupid, he can tell Magnus is confused and wary.

Except Alec is serious.

He doesn’t know how to get Magnus to trust him either.

There is no reason whatsoever for Magnus to trust him and it seems like the best way for Alec to prove his sincerity  — and just who he considers to be his priority — is simplyto be the best husband he possibly can for Magnus.

Alec might need a little while to get used to the sex. However that’s not a complaint. He just has a feeling it’s going to take some repetition before just being held by Magnus is no longer so overwhelming that he can’t think during it.

Eventually, he’d like to actually be able to form coherent thoughts while Magnus touches him. Instead of the puddle of pleasure that he’d been turned into.  Alec’s pretty sure his legs are still trembling when he shifts and somehow, that just makes him grin into a pillow that smells like Magnus.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Magnus asks, fingers petting over Alec’s skin and Alec is… Alec is frankly shocked that Magnus thinks Alec can think about food when Magnus is touching him.  Despite the fact that his mind is very aware of his priorities, his body betrays him as his stomach growls and Alec lets out a sigh and turns without thinking.

Magnus is beautiful in the afternoon sun and his eyes glow gold but as awestruck as Alec is, it’s all he can do to mutter a soft ‘wow’ before burrowing his face into Magnus’ chest.

It’s warm and comforting and he can hear his husband’s heartbeat and yes, fine.  Alec is hungry but he’s hungrier for this. It doesn’t have to be sex, just the warmth of Magnus’ body against his own and the relief of being married to a man seeping into his bones.

“Alexander?” Magnus asks a few moments later and Alec means to answer, he really does but he just nods his head against Magnus’ chest and finds that he very much likes the feeling and continues to do it, nuzzling Magnus until fingers are tangling in his hair and he’s being pulled back. “Don’t give me that look.” Magnus tells him, voice firm but not angry.  If anything Magnus seems bemused and his eyes are darker, the pupils larger than a moment ago.

—

Magnus really isn’t sure what Alexander is anymore.

He’s clearly not just a nephilim.

Magnus would assume he’s some highly trained honey-pot except, he’s quite frankly terrible at the pot part.  Oh, he’s sweet as can be and Magnus is going to savor him, but he also clearly has no idea what he’s doing and is more than happy to let Magnus not just take the lead, but direct everything.  If anything, he seems delighted by just being told what to do.  Except now, when he’s pouting at Magnus as if wriggling all up against Magnus wasn’t a clear attempt to delay both a meal and conversation.

Except when Alexander pouts at him, it’s hard to imagine that Alexander has any plan.  He doesn’t need one. His face is devastating enough that Magnus is sure wars would have been fought in his honor once upon a time.

“Food, darling.”

The pet name is an accident and Magnus has a feeling he’ll be making quite a few of those with Alexander but it earns him a pleased smile and the flutter of sleepy eyelashes when Magnus tugs on Alexander’s hair in reprimand.

Alexander doesn’t seem to be particularity picky.  Magnus had planned to leave his spouse to fend for themselves except… none of this is going as he’d expected and he wants Alexander close.  Not only for surveillance but well, he is a delectable view so Magnus isn’t complaining.

It’s when Magnus has finished summoning a decent spread of food that Alexander looks around the table and offers a polite thanks but there is little gusto in his appetite. If anything, he seems a little perturbed and while Magnus had made sure to summon some of the heartiest and heavily laden with meat dishes that he could think of, Alexander still seems dismayed.

Magnus would assume this is where the complaints begin — because every shadowhunter spouse has thrown a fit about their dietary needs being met — except Alexander’s not actually saying anything.  In fact he compliments almost everything he tries and even when it looks like he hates it, he still finishes it.  To the point where Magnus is beginning to feel like he’s torturing his boy rather than just, having a meal.

“Alexander, is there something else you’d enjoy eating? These are most of the dishes requested by nephilim spouses. I did do my research, but I realize that personal preference can vary.”

Magnus isn’t sure if he’s trying to comfort Alexander or remind him of who is in control.  At his question Alexander’s expression twists and then he pinches the bridge of his nose with a sigh.

“This kind of meat and nutrient dense diet is the same kind of diet a nephilim keeps to when they’re in enemy territory or at war, Magnus. It’s to help ensure all nutrients are met but with as little comfort or excess as possible. It’s to ensure we stay properly fit and in shape and without letting our guard down.”

Magnus isn’t surprised by the explanation.  If anything, it’s makes sense in the most ridiculous of ways.

“I however, would like waffles. The ones with chocolate and fruit, please.”

Magnus blinks. 

“That doesn’t sound like fare for war.”

“I’m married, Magnus." Alexander gently taps his bare knuckles against Magnus as if Magnus needs a reminder. "I’m pretty much retired from the Clave. My position as your spouse take precedent over my rank and by my vows, I answer to you. I'm on my honeymoon at this point. As considerate as it was of you to prepare what you thought I needed. Why would I eat my weight in boar when I could eat twice my weight in strawberries and waffles?”

Well… despite the fact that it’s still confusing and definitely not an argument any other nephilim has made, it does make a strange sort of sense.  Especially because the moment Magnus snaps away the food and replaces it with food from one of his favorite Belgian cafes, Alexander’s entire face lights up.

It’s like watching a chum being set out for sharks.

Alexander devours half a bowl of berries before he seems to remember to breathe and then, despite clearly wanting to eat the rest he offers them with a pout — a pout! — to Magnus.

Magnus takes one just to see how Alexander’s mournful expression turns into a different kind of hunger as he watches Magnus eat the berry and then, Magnus takes another and this time offers it to Alexander directly.

There’s no hesitation.

There’s no moment where Magnus has to wonder ‘why am I doing this? What the fuck am I thinking?’ because before his hand finishes reaching out, Alexander mouth is meeting him. His lips are soft around Magnus’ fingers and his teeth are gentle as they tease Magnus’ skin.

Magnus is left flushed and wondering how his thoughtless action backfired so spectacularly, only to find Alexander looking hopefully at him.

Magnus isn’t about to turn Alexander down. 

He’s just confused, because Alexander is the byproduct of two Circle members. He's only here because of his parents own sins and he has no reason to play nice despite it being a relief that he is. However not long ago, Magnus was at a political dinner when every piece of tableware a downworlder touched was destroyed after their use.  The assumption that the taint of them could not simply be washed away a slap to the face during an already tender time.

Magnus realizes that he’d half expected his hand to be slapped away but Alexander is waiting there, eager and excited and he’s waiting for Magnus to continue to feed him.

So Magnus does, reveling in the fact that Alexander seems to care for nothing more than each bite of sweet berry and the brief taste of Magnus’ skin against his tongue.

“Do you plan to only eat fruit?” Magnus manages to ask, offering another berry because well, what a way to go?

“Honeymoon.” Alexander tells him firmly, lips stained from juice and he’s quite tame like this.

All sleep soft and hair tousled and he’s Magnus'.

Magnus isn’t sure how to handle it at all.

“I realize you don’t intend to restrict yourself to the same meals of the other nephilim, but surely you need to eat more than berries and chocolate?” The waffles Alexander had requested are barely touched and it’s with a gleeful suspicion that Magnus cuts a piece of his own, eats it and then offers the second bite to Alexander. Who eats it with a tired sigh of contentment, though his eyes still wander to the fruit.

But by Edom he is going to successfully keep Alexander if he has to dismantle the entire Clave to do it.

AN:

and we start to see some of the layered context here.

Alec woke up thinking Magnus was a dream and he was in his own personal nightmare and yes, he was about to bite through his tongue before he realized it was Magnus. like he was about to say 'screw the clave i can't deal with this' and then he was like 'oh.. oh. well thats fine, we're still screwing the clave. or well, messing with them. since i'm only screwing magnus'

-

magnus: this is a trap, i want to figure out the truth so i can make it real. he's mine. that's the rule. he's mine. i'll just spring and neutralize the trap but either way i'm keeping him.

alec: hi. i just met you. and this is crazy. i'm your husband, i love you maybe definitely.

magnus: ... he's been drugged. clearly. but also he's adorable and pretty and i'm both lucky and doomed.

-

alec: okay. i have to be polite... this is so awful. why is he feeding me wartime rations? like... what did i do? does he hate me? is this because i fell asleep during sex? does he think i need better stamina? because i think having more sex will lead to better stamina over this awful food

magnus: ... you don't like it?

alec: ... uh no. it's fine? it's great? i just you know, want comfort honeymoon i'm celebrating party food? since this is the happiest time i've ever spent in my life? the war rations are kinda killing the mood

magnus: i feed you a berry, haha you probably wont even let me what was i thinking-

alec: okay. so now you have to hand feed me. the rest of the meal. this is a couples thing. i distinctly remember reading about something like this.

(Alec is convinced magnus is being romantic. Magnus now thinks its a kink thing. Alec is just really intimacy starved and Magnus is his husband? what's wrong with being romantic and intimate with his husband?

also in my headcanon alec is autistic. all the verses. so you have to remember that even as a nephilim, he's a super unreliable narrator for even his own race because the way he interprets stuff might be completely different to the typical reality/knowledge. Alec thinks he's doing the best job flirting and wooing his husband. like, he's trying so hard.)

magnus mentally: is he a baby bird? how bird like are nephilim? i'm confused and concerned.

Magnus five seconds later: oh... oh it's a kink thing. oh he didn't know this about himself either. okay. this is delightful. im pleased. i'm so fucking pleased.

Alec: this is like, pure euphoria. i'm getting attention and care and he's so sweet to me even though he has no reason to be. i have to be the best husband for him. forget raziel, my mission is to be Magnus Bane's Husband.

Alec finding the 'spare guest room' at one point

magnus: this is... well it was. it's supposed to be... at one point it was. well it's your room, technically.

alec: ... oh. do you want me to start sleeping in here then?

magnus: ...

alec with a blank face: its a nice color? the bed looks comfy? ... oh it even has its own bathroom. (the implication for him is that he will no longer get to bathe and shower with magnus)

magnus: NO I DO NOT WANT YOU MOVING INTO THIS ROOM. I WANTED YOUR OPINION ON MAKING IT A WORKOUT ROOM.

alec: oh well, i'm fine just using the roof, Magnus.

Magnus: Alexander. you need a space. of your own.

Alec: *sad eyes*

Magnus: ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!!! YOU DONT HAVE TO STAY IN IT JUST YOU NEED IT.

Alec: but then you might think i'm hiding things from you?

Magnus: ... alexander. darling. my very strange and still confusing husband whom i adore but also do not trust through no fault of your own... i'm giving up. *snaps fingers and dissolves the room into the magic of the lair*

-

Magnus seeing Alexander sneak over to his jewelry box only to watch him just try on rings.

but only on a specific finger.

Magnus realizing Alec is fantasizing about wearing one of Magnus' rings on his ring finger... his wedding finger.

Magnus: oh no. oh no. no, magnus. magnus be strong. be strong magnus.

3 hours later

Magnus: Alexander, this is just a little something i made in some spare time since i've last seen you... on a whim.

Alec staring at the little initials of MB on the ring with little catseye gems and just kind of, sighing. that dopey kind of grin he gets like when he first met magnus in canon? and just offering his hand, like excuse me. the finger is still empty? magnus this is mean if you're being slow on purpose.

Magnus putting the ring on and then finding himself sitting on the couch with Alexander on his lap admiring his ring as he forces Magnus to equally admire it and then very deliberately takes a picture,t transfers it to his tablet and sends a very long and detailed email about the symbolism of the ring and how much is means to him and that he hopes the clave appreciates his hard work and efforts in furthering relationship with the downworlders.

(Magnus nearly chokes on his drink twice before he just chugs it and waits to make another until alexander is done with the email).

Alec is like... half serious and half fucking with the Clave. he's not wholly honest about all of the symbolism in the ring. just the obvious ones. and he also adds in code (which magnus can also read)

tonight is going to be better than my wedding night

Magnus breaks two lamps with magic he laughs so hard, because 1) thats true and 2) the clave is going to be horrified by the entire thing.

no,. magnus still does not trust alec. because alec has to have some kind of an agenda but he's also... starting to let more of himself thaw. there is this huge push and pull because it's hard for magnus to trust (for good valid reason honestly magnus is being unreasonably generous with his trust and faith in alec) and alec gets that.

like yes, sometimes alec will sulk or be sad because it sucks that magnus doesn't trust him. but hes not going to get mad because if he were in magnus' position, he wouldn't trust himself either. and he likes that Magnus is competent and smart, as much as it sucks for him, it's also part of why he admires magnus and alec knows magnus cares for him. he can't tell how much, like he's very unsure of his place in magnus' life besides the fact that magnus likes to fuck him and talk to him and sometimes pamper him and protect him and also is pretty possessive of him and likes to take care of him.

(alec is a bit oblivious but to be fair, while he has hope for the future he is not going risk assuming magnus likes/loves him because alec knows trust is a part of that and that rn, it's still impossible for magnus to trust him)

-

Magnus to Cat: look i know you said that people need their own space for privacy and that if i want to be able to trust him or figure out what he's hiding i need to let him have the space to fail, but it's like he doesn't know the words exist

Cat: uh-huh

Magnus: he added my thumbprint to his phone and clave issues tablet

Cat: ... wait, what?

Magnus: he doesn't even try to hide doing things i shouldn't know he's capable of! he just does them and then waits for me to mention it and then what am i supposed to do? scold him?

Magnus: apparently all nephilim who marry out are supposed to send two correspondences. one in code and one normal. he TAUGHT ME THE CODE BECAUSE AND I QUOTE 'SECRETS ARENT HEALTHY IN MARRIAGES'

Cat: ... i can't even argue with that when your spouse is the literal enemy and i don't know why i'd want to. is this a new tactic?

Magnus: ... i'm not sure but i'll call you back later. alexander takes champagne and strawberry dates very seriously and he's currently handpicking them from the roof and he just finished.

Cat: how much surveillance magic do you have on him?

Magnus: what do you mean 'how much'? you think there are limits? oh no, he's going to think i'm ignoring him. he knows i'm watching him dammit. i cannot handle his sad eyes again. bye.

Cat to a silent phone: i think i need to call Ragnor

[tofics]

I finally made time to listen to this and I am so glad I did. Let's dive straight in, shall we?

This was my very first time hearing your voice, and I feel the need to point out what a pleasant voice you have, Alex! And I do mean this in the most sincere way, coming from someone who can be very very picky about what voices to listen to. I know this wasn't the point of the podcast, but I had to let you know :)

I took notes while listening, so I'll just be going through them and kind of sort them into something more tangible as I go.

It was awesome getting to hear so many "behind the scene" thoughts from you about your writing. There were a couple of small things you mentioned that I wanted to comment on just for the fun of it:

Something that draws you to a fanfiction is if characters are canonically written. It's funny you should say that, because your characters are some of the most in-tune-with-canon characters that I have ever read. I've mostly consumed your Dean stories, and even in an AU setting (I'm looking at you, Smoke Eater) he is 100% Dean as seen on the show. As far as fanfiction goes, that puts yours on a pedestal imo.

You considered doing something with Dean and Yellowstone for the Jacklesverse Bingo. (insert gif of me hysterically crying and hyperventilating) I've only just started watching Yellowstone this year and I am obsessed. I think you would have fried all my synapses if you had gone down that road, in the best way possible 😁

Hearing you talk about your friends on Tumblr and knowing you've included me in that group felt so so special! I'm so proud to be able to call you my friend on here. 🥹🫶🏼

But now! On to the actual topic of the episode :)

First of all, I found it very interesting that despite your own heritage, you grew up with a white reader in mind. Just goes to show how predominantly a white person is and has been the main character in so much of media that that's what your brain defaulted to.

I also thought your discussion about what makes an OC an OC and where a reader insert stops being a reader insert suuuper interesting. Because that's a genuine question! Where does a blank slate stop being a blank slate, and how much character do you have to give to the reader role in a reader insert fic for the story still to work, right? I loved to hear your take on it, especially where you said that writing reader inserts is basically like writing OCs without giving them a name. - I had never thought about it that way!

But of course, you're right. Because a reader that is an active participant in a story can't be a completely blank slate. They have to be assigned certain traits, not necessarily body-wise but character wise - if you're doing more than a drabble, imo. For there to be dialogue and a story that feels full, that feels alive, the reader has to have some sort of character to be a character.

Which brings me to my next point: projectability is always a thing of perspective and the ability to put yourself into someone's shoes. As far as fanfiction goes, the reader insert genre tries to make that as easy as possible by offering a mostly blank slate (that is very often white-coded, unfortunately, but that's not the point I'm trying to make in this paragraph). I have seen people complain more than once about the character!reader being unrelatable because of certain character traits and/or backstories that were assigned to them, and I wonder: people, where has your media literacy gone? Do they not teach to adapt to a person's perspective via literature in schools anymore? Must all media cater exactly to your every taste, down to each very nuance?

And I write all of this distinctively separating characteristic traits from body traits. I am not at all talking about the lack of ethnic representation within the x reader genre.

I love how you give personality to your reader characters, Alex. Especially when it comes to your own representation. You said in the podcast that you were worried about how the traits you assigned to your reader in the Midnight Espresso-verse would be received by your audience and that you received great feedback. I want to reiterate that by saying how despite myself not having the same background as you, I could absolutely relate to the plus-size aspect of the reader, as well as her love for cooking. You said it so beautifully in the podcast, that this version of the reader is one that came from the intent of Dean having a (Latino) girlfriend that nurtured him in the same way he nurtures the people around him, and I fully 100% could relate to that as well :)

Which might be my very complicated and long way of saying: Please do not worry about how much the reader can adapt to the traits you're giving to the character!reader. If most character!readers have been predominantly white for the longest time and so so many people that where not white made it work, then so can we white folks when we are given a reader that does not fit all of "our" typical criteria.

It made me very happy to hear that you're seeing more and more diversity within the SPN fandom these days. I've spent most of my time in the PPCU fandom this past year and all across it, but specifically in the Joel Miller fandom, there have been too many racist instances. It's great to hear that it's going better in other fandoms!

Which brings me to my next point - the anon request you got that led you to writing Unravel Me 👀 Wow. I haven't read it yet. It was on my TBR list anyway, but hearing you talk about how it came to be and how much thought you put into it (understandably so) it's now an absolute must-read for me. (Sort of unrelated but still related: I've seen your playlist covers for the story, and - wow??? A masterpiece??? Visually, I mean?! The EFFORT. I'll be speaking about this in a second, but I needed to mention it now in case I forget! Gorgeous!)

Another point that had me thinking a lot was the question about how much of an immigrant's identity should be kept and how much should be adapted to the country they've moved to also captivated me. I know US politics in regards to immigrants are ""problematic"" atm to say the least, and it's been a widely discussed topic over here in Germany for years now as well, especially with the heavy influx of immigrants over the past years. I can't imagine how complicated it must be, figuring out a sense of self that both fits to where you live and still keeps the core parts of who you are and were before coming to said country.

I want to wrap this up by saying how incredibly impressed I am every single time I hear/read about how you prep for your stories. I think you are by far the most in-depth fanfiction writer that I know. You put so much research into it, and not just for The Honorable Choice, but everything you put out. I'm struggling to find the correct words to properly express how admiring I find it, especially for a story like The Honorable Choice where you take on the perspective of someone of a different ethnic background than you.

You are an inspiration, Alex. Truly.

Thank you for welcoming me into the writing space when I came back. Thank you for answering every question I had, and thank you for the work you put into all of your stories.

To you, to your talent, your inspiration and work ethic, and to many more stories to come! 🩵

Racial & Ethnic Representation in Fanfiction

[🎙️ Podcast Interview]

Hey, friends! Sandra and Kasey, the lovely hosts of @idlingintheimpalapodcast — the podcast for all things SPN and fanfiction — invited me back on the pod for an interview on a topic that's very close to my heart…

With @rubyvhs, we talked about the fun moments and challenges about reading and writing fanfiction that represents specific racial and ethnic cultures, being bicultural/multicultural, the immigrant experience, and much more.

I offered my own experience as a Latina POC writing in the fandom space, specifically Supernatural and The Boys (and adjacent Jackles fandoms).

Check it out here: ⤵️

Interview Timestamps –

(Plus fic recs, SPN writer/reader shoutouts, and more! Links to all the fics we mentioned are at each time stamp.)

2:54 – When did you start writing fanfiction, and when did you join SPN fandom?

⟡ You can check out my first author interview with Sandra and Kasey over here. We chatted about Dean Winchester and Jensen Ackles’ early roles, the best and worst seasons of SPN, the joys and pains of writing Soldier Boy, and much, much more. For all the timestamps of key moments, fic recs, and SPN writer shoutouts, see this post (you'll find the link to the video there too).

6:18 – What is your ethnic, racial, and cultural background? (And how me and Sandra bond over “food and family” ties between Hispanics/Latinos and Italians.)

13:05 – The immigrant experience in America, what you take with you from the “Motherland,” the struggles of bicultural identity, my personal experience being a second-generation child of an immigrant family, and Sandra’s experience as a first-generation child of Italian immigrants.

16:58 – What do you look for when you’re reading fanfiction? (Canon-compliant, AU, romance, etc.) Does the length of a story matter?

19:52 – Bonus: The merits of drabble writing vs. long-fic writing.

25:54 – Have you ever actively searched for fanfiction that represented your ethnicity? (Whenever I do, it’s like finding gold.) Plus, the challenge of writing reader characters, the “gray area” of writing reader characters like OCs.

32:38 – The inherent “bias” of reading and writing reader characters as White. The concept of diversity being “cool” in popular media, TV shows, and movies is still pretty new.

36:36 – Why I started writing reader characters that might have a specific body type, race, and/or ethnicity.

Examples:

⟡ Midnight Espresso – Dean Winchester x Plus-size Latina!Reader

⟡ If I Stay – Dean Winchester x Plus-size!Reader

⟡ 10 ‘Til Midnight – Professor!Dean Winchester x Plus-size Grad Student!Reader

⟡ Unravel Me – Soldier Boy x Afro-Latina!Reader

⟡ The Honorable Choice & Outlander – Cowboy!Dean Winchester x OFC

40:14 – The fun challenges: like giving Dean a partner who takes care of him as much as he takes care of others in Midnight Espresso.

45:28 – The BIG challenges: like writing Soldier Boy being himself with a “person of color” (POC) in this new series, Unravel Me. What even is a POC? Where do you start with Soldier Boy, the Sandra-proclaimed “bowl of fishhooks?"

51:38 – Is there ever an element of fear when you publicly post a story that represents your culture, which is something very personal to you? What happens when you get haters in the comments?

1:05:33 – When and how did you begin to break out of the “ingrained biases” in your writing? (AKA: Always assuming my own characters are White.)

1:08:04 – When did you decide to explore writing plus-size!readers?

1:13:20 – What has your experience been in writing a race/culture outside of your personal experience? The Honorable Choice and Outlander, a western AU where Dean Winchester falls in love with a Native American Lakota Indian. (Shoutout to @jacklesversebingo!)

Plus, the ethical responsibility to “do no harm” when you represent different cultures, and answering question of not only can I write this, but should I write this?

1:32:42 – What advice would you give a writer interested in writing about a culture outside of their own that they don’t have first-hand knowledge of? How can a writer avoid cultural appropriation if their goal is cultural appreciation? How important is a sensitivity reader/beta reader for this effort?

1:40:35 – Final thoughts on diversity and representation of culture in fanfiction, whether it’s your own or someone else’s:

“Write what you know. Write what you can research. Write what you’re interested in. Remember that words have power, so be careful how you use them.”

1:45:30 – Sandra and Kasey’s outro: The importance of representation and diversity in fandom.

I hope you enjoy the ride!~ 💜

💗💗💗 Shoutouts to some of my beautiful friends and lovely readers who've supported my attempts to explore ethnic and cultural diversity in my writing:

@luci-in-trenchcoats @lamentationsofalonelypotato @waynes-multiverse @rizlowwritessortof @roseblue373

@tofics @deanwinchesterswitch @deanbrainrotwritings @deansbbyx @waywardlatina

@supernotnatural2005 @wayward-dreamer @spnwoman @waywardxwords @mostlymarvelgirl

@chevroletdean (shoutout to your 500 follower fic challenge at around 19:52 😘) @siampie @bettystonewell @wvffles

@iprobablyshipit91 @my-stories-vault @littlesoulshine @thatonewriter15 @jessjad

@deans-spinster-witch @winchestergirl2 @kazsrm67 @chernayawidow @jackles010378

@jollyhunter @leigh70 @foxyjwls007 @beakaleak32 @alwaystiredandconfused

[keeps-ache]

💫💥today💥💫 i start learning blender >:| !!

[pretend-i-don-t-exist]

sy trying to create a pidw au would be so funny

i feel like he'd actually commit to it to spite airplane. at first, it garnered attention bc it was from the peerless cucumber, notorious critic and biggest pidw hater, so ofc they're all curious how pidw would look like in his eyes. it was surprisingly (well not really, considering the tens of paragraphs peerless cucumber wrote during his rants, all of which have immaculate grammar and spelling— bc ofc he can't let anyone find something to nitpick on his review so they're forced to see the point!) well-written and definitely more plot-focused.

majority of the readers disappeared after the first few chapters, mainly because of the lack of smutty scenes, but those that do remain are very engaged. one of them is airplane's burner account, when he needs to separate himself from his airplane persona. he's really, really curious as to what his hater is doing to his work.

he... he actually likes it. it's not really the novel he envisioned when he was first working on pidw, nor does it contain all the elements of his original draft, but it was good. he likes it a lot better than what pidw turned out to be.

airplane spent so much time contemplating and considering before finally saying fuck it, and dms peerless cucumber to see if he can work as a co-author with him and they can rewrite pidw together. he even sends parts of the original draft (what was left of it, anyway) as incentive!

it takes a long week before even peerless cucumber replies, and by then he has written a novella detailing how much better the original draft was and him screaming very informally at why airplane had to cast it aside.

lol i need money bro im broke af and porn sells, airplane answers.

it takes another week before peerless cucumber finally answers. then live with me, his message reads. no rent. i'll pay for whatever food you want. and whatever bills you have. just write a good fucking novel, i swear to god.

airplane thinks it's a joke, until he receives the address. an actual penthouse. in the richest streets of guangzhou. there is also a request to meet up (seeing as they don't actually know each other, and sy's brothers are very intent on not getting him murdered in his sleep) and airplane, after much, much thinking, accepts.

airplane does not really know what to feel when he finally meets and talks to shen yuan— pampered third son of a very wealthy family, with two protective older brothers and an even more protective little sister— and sy is just. well. he's exactly airplane's type. the beautiful, ice prince who apparently has only shown this much emotion around airplane. sy's meimei had told him cheerfully and then threatened to gut him if he so much as steps a foot out of line. airplane is starting to feel like he's just met a mafia family.

shen yuan's family aside, airplane is actually living his best life. he no longer has to worry about money. he lives in a luxurious (gods he has never seen such a large bedroom before wtf) penthouse without needing to pay rent (!!!) and utilities (!!!) and even food (!!!). he can write as much as he wants. this must be what artists felt like when they're taken care of noble families in exchange for their art.

he does... well. he and peerless cucumber are friends now. they work on the rewrite together. airplane keeps finding out many things, like how shen yuan likes his tea with a lot of honey, dislikes milk chocolate, and prefers drawing over writing. he also runs hot during the night, when he sleeps.

how does airplane know that? well. bros gotta do what bros gotta do. it's a good thing they both like to cuddle.

[musical-chick-13]

The worst thing, actually, is trying to write for a niche/character/ship/fandom/etc. that ISN'T rare, exactly, but also isn't incredibly popular. If no one is going to see it because no one's interested, then it doesn't have to be good. If there are tens of thousands of options, it doesn't matter if people hate yours, they can just go elsewhere. But if interest in the topic is small enough that everyone can reasonably get through all the works about it, but large enough to potentially have people actually discussing it........HELL

[syluses]

big girls dont cry QNA

i know you guys have lots of curiosities about this fic lolll so i’ll try to answer some of the questions i received (∗ᵕ̴᷄◡ᵕ̴᷅∗) 💕 if u still have some, just shoot me an ask!! :] also im really bad at explaining so i apologize 🤦🏻‍♀️ i have the plot nailed in my head but its tricky to articulate it in a clear, linear way for yall considering all the little nuances i added lol. i’ll try my best tho hehe :,)

Okay so there’s a whole ‘nother plot that exists in the background of this fic- which was super fun for me to write, but im sure from a reader standpoint it’s also kinda thrilling to try to connect the dots i left lol. thats why theres so many interpretations for this story (which i love!! i loved reading all yall’s theories)! 💕 BUT. that being said, the ‘canon’ goes like this:

SPOILERS BELOW read it first then come back! ( ⸍ɞ̴̶̷ ·̫ ɞ̴̶̷⸌ )

was caleb really dead?

No. Caleb staged his own death and then, similar to the main story homecoming wings, didnt tell mc :,) for his own reasons, for a time, he decides he’ll let her go on believing he’s truly gone…

why did he stage his death?

I dropped little crumbs of it in the fic, but it’s hinted that mc, on top of all her grief, feels a bit bitter over the whole shebang and also blames herself for it. hmm… why would that be? 🤔 well because their final moments together (or so she THOUGHT) were emotionally charged and volatile.

the foundation of their sibling relationship was growing weaker and weaker before the explosion. arguments are forming out of nowhere- things are becoming more tense and mc, for the life of her, can’t understand why her gege is always pulling her into a heated debate about safety, danger, blahblahblah, this that and the third, every time they interact. He’s being wildly unreasonable, which she knows, and protective- a trait that has snowballed as they entered their adulthood- but what she doesn’t know is the why behind it. she tells herself she just has a super protective older brother who views her as a little baby in need of his guidance- which isn’t entirely wrong… but she doesn’t see the full picture. His true feelings. All this tension eventually climbs to its peak. Caleb just gets worse and worse. He needs to do something before the world collapses on them both.

Now, in this au, he works at EVER, a somewhat shady but lucrative company- which dabbles in robotics amongst other things. I imagine they have abundant resources and wealth- and what with his promotions, it’s safe to say caleb is making a LOT. So, the delusional guy he is, he buys a big fancy suite with the idea in mind of two eventually living in it ;) but mc doesn’t want to- she has her own life in linkon!! She wants to spread her wings and separate from the nest anyway. Partly to start her own life; partly to prove to her gege that she can take care of herself. The argument that unfolds over this is the last they have before the big tragic explosion 😭 caleb, putting on a show with his beaten puppy eyes, leaves and then that’s the last time she sees him.

Caleb meticulously plans his ‘death’ out (with some help from his wingman ofc) and then eventually the robot is introduced to mc. It serves as a trojan horse. He’ll finally conquer her heart with it and win full autonomy over her. THIS IS HIS MAIN GOAL WITH THE ROBOT. WHY HE EVEN DOES ANY OF THIS TO BEGIN WITH.

Caleb gets to spy on mc with it and also slowly reshape her to accept his feelings; his ‘death’ has left her in a fragile state of mourning and he knows, after she warms up a bit to not-Caleb, he can more or less get away with anything- bc she will claw for whatever’s left of her family member. He can make her finally reciprocate and understand him— whether that be his feelings or fear or love. He tried to be patient, to be good, but obviously he had to travel a new route. He’s thinking of her 24/7. He’s obsessive, longing, protective, you name it- and all of this just worsens the more she denies him. When push comes to shove… well, caleb will do whatever it takes to win her :] He knows it’s unconventional and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t hurt him too- monitoring his endearingly stubborn, but sweet meimei and the shattered pieces he left of her through his android’s eyes— but it’s all temporary, and he truly believes it’s for the better.

did gideon know?

Yes, Gideon knew all along. He’s Caleb’s best buddy after all. To be matter of fact- Gideon didn’t just know, he quite literally ‘herded’ mc into the lion’s den in a way. Mc knew vaguely of their work at EVER, but not too much; so Gideon was the one who shined that light on their robotics and really introduced her to the concept of not-Caleb. Now, i wouldnt say Gideon is exactly comfortable with his involvement, but he actually really does care for mc and thinks she needs that help- as dubious as the means are. Anyway, it’s almost impossible to shut out all of his buddy’s demands: the brunet is nothing if not insistent on getting what he wants. In his own whacky way, Gideon thinks what he did- playing into Caleb’s plan- was for the better as well. I mean, Mc clearly wasnt doing good before not-Caleb came along,… but with the few visits he managed before the android got a little too stingy and sent him off, Gideon actually managed to catch a smile or two from her! So clearly he did the right thing 👀 not to mention… the real caleb seems very pleased with the progress, too. besides- the whole robot situation is temporary anyway :] She’ll be reuniting with the beloved gege she misses so much sooner rather than later.

how accurate was not-caleb?

His programming is like 100% accurate. Mc, for a mix of both naiveity and delusion, thinks not-Caleb is flawed when he starts to show signs of amorous/romantic feelings for her. Really, though, after she tells him to stay the night with her (innocently; and after years of having not shared the same childhood twin bed), it triggers a part of his ‘brain’ that undoes all real caleb’s self restraint thus far :] If the same exact situation happened with the real caleb, his reaction would’ve more or less been the same. Homeboy can only keep his feelings in check for so long

who programmed not-caleb?

Real Caleb

how is mc pregnant?

Because the robot’s creator wanted to add his own special touch to his work if you know what i mean :) yeah he’s a freak like that. Dont think he WOULDNT install in his robot the ability to indirectly knock his ‘meimei’ up. I will say though, that while caleb wants to get mc pregnant, its not fully bc he wants to start a family- at least not right away- but because he wants to emotionally and legally trap her with him. Besides monitoring her/wearing down her walls while she thought he was ‘dead’, this was actually one of caleb’s biggest goals with sending not-caleb into her home.

is not-caleb self-aware?

Yes

what’s real caleb been doing all this time?

Basically climbing the ranks of EVER from his lil perch somewhere in skyhaven. all the while, of course, spying on mc like a hawk. Biding his time & waiting for the right moment when she’s at her weakest, most codependent state to replace his carbon copy :)

was caleb controlling his robot?

No. But he essentially created its whole program. And there are cameras inside its eyes in which he watches mc from :) and cant help but snap pics with sometimes: she’s just so pretty— and endlessly sexy when he finally, in a vicarious way, gets to lie her back and make love to her <3

what is real caleb’s motive/ultimate goal?

1. to control/protect/‘tame’ mc through the robot; get her to see things from his point of view (which means realizing she belongs with him- where it’s safe and he can protect & love her)

2. to knock her up (hence the. ahem. reproductive abilities of the robot) so that he can trap her with a baby on top of all the other emotional strings he’s hogtied her with.

does gideon want mc too?

the question is not would gideon smash her. the question is would caleb LET him…. 👀

also, below i just attached a screenie from some of the notes i took. theyre ofc a little disjointed but i think it might clarify things too :] im so bad at answering questions esp for a plot this spiraling but i really tried my best guys my brain is tired forgive me :,)

[stellifystari]

ASTRO NOTES: 001

These are more accurate in sidereal in my opinion

#1 — Scorpio and sagittarius energy in sidereal is such a good combination in my opinion. Most people go by compatible elements when it comes to compatibility but I feel like that’s a very outdated and textbook type of concept that just never seems to be accurate. I don’t think only “air and fire” or only “water and earth” are compatible. I do think most signs are compatible with most of their own elements signs though. Gemetria is something I’ve noticed is more accurate when it comes to finding the signs compatibility. I first saw people discussing it on twitter and it really resonated with me more than the traditional textbook astrology compatibility stuff. Might have to make a separate post on this topic.

#2 — Mercury in the 5th house can indicate having twins since mercury’s symbol is the twins and the 5th house is the house of children/fertility. If not twins though these people still do often have multiple children unless something in their chart conflicts this energy.

#3 — Virgo moons have to be one of the most anxious placements I’ve ever encountered. They constantly are apologizing out of fear that they’ve said the wrong thing, they’re always worried about things that probably would never even happen, and they seem to be super awkward due to social anxiety at times. I feel so bad for them.

#4 — Moon square venus people often care too much about their appearance and can become very emotional when anyone comments on it. Some people care more about people saying things about their personality but these people tend to take things more to heart when their appearance is attacked rather than their character. They also tend to feel as though their day is ruined when they don’t feel pretty. Often this is due to their upbringing. Someone from their childhood whether it was a parent or a bully may have made them feel judged a lot for how they look and made them feel like their appearance is the biggest part of what gives them their worth in life.

#5 — Venus square mars people can have a battle with differentiating love and lust at times. They may also be indecisive about ever taking action in relationships or knowing what exactly they want when it comes to multiple topics involving romance.

#6 — Uranus in the 10th house people often are the leaders of their friend group I’ve noticed. They’re usually close friends with everyone in their friend group and often will get dragged into fights and be asked to choose sides or be fought over by other people in their friend groups because of this. They sometimes have to be the balance of the group and try to keep things under control too.

#7 — The north node at 22° can indicate your main purpose is to build others up in life. This could be in multiple different ways it just depends on the rest of your chart. For example if you had a 3rd house and 22 degree north node you could build people up with things related to the voice or literature such as music, motivational speaking, writing, social media, and more.

#8 — Saturn at 16° indicates lots of karmic lessons in your life will be surrounding the ego and spirituality. In past lives you may have been manipulative or very egotistical and abused your power in life. It’s important to embrace spiritual growth and have more self awareness in this life.

#9 — Venus at 9°/18°/27° indicates a person cares a lot about their partners looks and can be superficial at times when it comes to love. They don’t tend to go for anyone that isn’t considered attractive to a lot of people. This is only because these degrees indicate insecurity meaning they can be extra insecure in this area of life when judged by anyone for who they’re dating.

#10 — I don’t believe in a “worst sign” however I do believe there’s naturally going to be certain energies that don’t work with our own. That doesn’t mean that entire group of people with that sign are just a bad person though which people fail to understand. I also think astrology is something that’s meant to show our positive and negative tendencies but often people want to ignore the negative or hate on people for talking about it when it’s very evident that it exists. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn from this challenging energy though. I just think majority of humanity does lack the self control to want to change and avoid these negative desires to put an end to their bad behaviors or actions.

#11 — Midpoints are so underrated in astrology. They’re often very accurate for me. I’ll definitely be making posts about them.

#12 — Having your 12th house ruler in the 3rd house can indicate experiencing lots of loneliness in life and not being able to make many friends as a kid. You’re more likely to find the right people in adulthood. This will turn you into someone who’s very sensitive to others emotions and selfless though because it allows you to experience what it’s like to feel alone and gain more empathy for others. This is a spiritual lesson you must learn.

#13 — Capricorn risings always have such a unique sense of humor and make everyone laugh. Definitely an underrated placement when it comes to being comedic.

ⓘ Stellify Stari Astrology

[marvelwitchergilmore]

Tornado Nightmare

Summary: Tyler Owens x Fe!Reader -> It's no secret you and Tyler didn't get along. But when you have a nightmare and you trust him to help you, things begin to change.

Disclaimer: I don't know how this one is considering I took a break in between writing it, but I hope you enjoy it ❤ Mostly fluff, enemies-is to lovers, Tyler takes care of reader, Wrangler shenanigans, becoming unlikely friends, light swearing, mentions of nightmares. Not Proof Read.

It was no secret you and Tyler didn’t get along. It wasn’t anything personal…or maybe it was? It had been so long since you’d both met, you couldn’t remember the exact moment you’d both gone from being strangers to being…well, whatever the hell you called two people who shared the same friendship group and work colleagues but never seemed to be on the same page with each other. 

It had been one petty fight after the other. Which tornado to chase, whose data was clearer in the field, what way to cut the film in order to make the best trailer, which motel to stay at, which restaurant was better, which screw to use to secure down the bar along the top of the roof. It had also been a lifetime of constant heated glances and disgusted faces when you both spotted each other despite knowing you’d be meeting. 

In fact, it didn’t take long before Tyler banned you from his truck. Sometimes you’d piss him off by touching the rim of the flatbed when the others were sitting on the back of it in the evening. 

But he was also banned from stepping foot on your porch. If he wanted inside, he’d have to find a way in through a window. The only time you’d let him step foot on it was when he threatened to pee on your lawn. 

For the others it was annoying; at first. But, when they realised Boone had been playing a secret game with both yourself and Tyler, your rivalry with each other became a form of entertainment. 

Counting how many groans Tyler would give in a minute when you talked, how many eye rolls you’d do until you’d get eyestrain. There was also a bet going on each day for who would crack first and start the long needed argument of the day; you or Tyler. 

So far, you were winning in that department. There was just something about Tyler that got under your skin even when he wasn’t around. Most of the extra argument you had with him had started with yourself against, well, yourself. 

However, there seemed to be an accepted concept that only you and Tyler were allowed to fight each other. If anyone else wanted to argue or start something with you or Tyler, away from those working as a Tornado Wrangler, they’d get an earful. 

The others had seen it. 

Twice in a bar in Arkansas where Tyler had stepped in front of you after two different men on two separate occasions started to get a little more physical with their opinions. Despite what your feelings were for each other, you were still a part of Tyler’s team. He and the others could fight you on different opinions – verbally, never physically – but others had to know where to leave their opinions. 

And three times in diners up and down the interstate. Granted, two of those occasions were because of one specific StormPar analyst who clearly didn’t get the message the first time round; but the second was a complete stranger who called Tyler some things that didn’t agree with you. Not only was he attacking Tyler for his job, but he was indirectly attacking your profession. So you stood up for him, and the other Wranglers. And, indirectly, StormPar. That part you hated, but at the end of the day, you all had the same job. 

But one day, the rest of the Wranglers were met with a scene they never in a million years thought they’d discover. 

You and Tyler, in a kitchen together. Your kitchen. Where the knives, and scissors and other kitchen utensils that could have been used as a weapon were kept. Cooking. Dancing. Talking. Laughing. 

Together.

“Should…” Kate looked around at the others to make sure they were seeing the same thing she was. “Should we do something?”

Dani gave her a similar expression. “I..I don’t know what’s even happening right now.”

“You are seeing what I’m seeing, right?” Boone asked, unable to take his eyes from the kitchen window and backdoor. 

“Uh-huh.” Was the main consensus. 

“Good,” Boone almost whimpered. “Good. Just wanted to check.”

“Do we just…go in?” Lily asked but Dexter held out his hand. 

“N-not yet. I want to see what happens. We might not see this again.”

So they did. For ten solid minutes. 

Neither you or Tyler had heard or seen them, so you just continued cooking. Obviously, they’d noticed a slight difference in both you and Tyler in recent weeks. There were less fights. There wasn’t always complete agreement, but since no fight was made, acceptance was the only thing left to do. 

But never had they expected the recent silences to lead to…whatever the hell was happening to you and Tyler. 

Whilst watching you and Tyler in the kitchen, Lily and Kate let out two small gasps which they managed to cover up with the help of Boone and Javi. 

Tyler had touched you. Walking behind you to get to the stove, he’d laid a gentle hand on your hip, guiding you to the side as you reached into the cupboard. And you didn’t yell. You didn’t curse him out. 

In fact, you smiled. 

You both smiled. 

The rest of the Wranglers continued to watch on in intrigue. 

Meanwhile, inside the kitchen, both you and Tyler had no idea of what spectacle was going on outside. 

It had been an odd transition for you and Tyler; going from arguing over almost every little thing to civil understanding and preference of each other. 

And it had all started weeks previously in a crappy motel room in Oklahoma. 

“I’m telling you, we’ve stayed here before. The owner hates me.” Boone said as he lifted his bag from the back of Tyler’s truck. 

“No she doesn’t.”

“She does! Man, I’m telling you, the lady hates me.”

You opened up the passenger door to Lily’s car and stepped out, laying your hand on the roof of the car. “And why would she hate you?”

Boone got a little sheepish. “I dunno. She just does.”

“Maybe because the last time we stayed here you did a cartwheel into her trash cans and woke the entire motel.” Dani pointed out. 

“It could have been raccoons.” 

Tyler laid a hand on Boone’s shoulder. “No raccoon can scream ‘help, I think I’ve made a banana split with my elbow’.”

Moving towards the office, yourself and Kate booked into the last rooms available before handing everyone their keys. There were two twin rooms so Boone and Tyler took one and Dani and Kate took the other. That left you, Lily, Dexter and Javi to the other single rooms. 

Since your room was on the second floor with Tyler, Boone and Lily; Dexter placed your bags by the bottom of the stairs. 

And Tyler was about to carry yours up when you got there before him. 

“I can carry my own.”

He lifted his hand away and picked up Lily’s instead. “Alright.”

You started making your way up the stairs, Tyler hot on your heels. “You know, it’s okay to accept help sometimes.”

“I’m aware.”

“I would have left it outside your door.”

“I don’t need your help. I can do it on my own.”

Tyler held his hands up in surrender, the bags over his shoulders. “Okay. I’m just saying I won’t hurt to just accept help every once in a while.”

You reached the top of the stairs. “But I didn’t need it. I’m a grown adult, Owens. I can carry my own stuff.”

Twenty minutes after getting settled you headed back down to the trucks and sat beside Dani and Kate. The rest of the night went as smoothly as normal. Laughter, stories, petty arguments over how to make chilli, more stories, discussions over which tornado to chase the next day, disagreements over which one to choose, shared hatred for StormPar and not wanting them to get one up on the Wranglers, a few more tales and jokes from Boone before he spotted the owner walking across the parking lot which forced him into hiding in the back of Tyler’s flatbed; all before finally going to bed. 

But as you drifted off into a seemingly dreamless sleep, there was no way to prepare yourself for what you would wake up to. 

Tyler Owens in his pajamas. 

Boone had started snoring almost the minute his head hit the pillow. Sometimes Tyler was envious of how deeply Boone could sleep. Some mornings it took both himself, Lily, Dani and you to wake him up. 

It was usually the only time in the morning where you and Tyler didn’t argue over how to wake Boone up. You’d bicker with him about being unable to wake Boone up before you’d walk into the room and realise why. 

The first time it happened, you’d both bickered in hushed tones over how best to wake him up and that maybe Tyler hadn’t tried hard enough. Then you came to an agreement. 

Dani and Lily went and grabbed a duvet and some extra sheets to lay on the floor before Tyler counted to three and lifted the mattress from underneath Boone with you. 

It was the only thing other than a true tornado siren that could wake him. 

Tyler on the other hand…he was a light sleeper compared to Boone. Though, most people would be light sleepers compared to Boone. 

Usually it took a good twenty minutes before Tyler would be able to fall asleep and if he heard anything out of the ordinary, like trash cans falling, alarms going off, doors opening or closing, or something heavy hitting the ground, he’d wake up. 

And that was why he found himself looking around his room in the darkness when he stirred awake before he heard something heavy hit the ground before a glass smashing on the ground followed it. 

It wasn’t in his room. Boone was still snoring. The lamp was still on his bedside table. The same went for Boone. 

Then something popped into his head. 

The only room he shared a wall with was yours. On the other side was just a very dense wall. 

Then in the silence, he heard a voice. Your voice. 

Whipping the bedcovers from him, he pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and darted out of his room, trying his best to not wake Boone in the process. He couldn’t alert everyone. For all he knew you were still awake and had dropped one of the box files off your bed or something. 

But when he stood outside of your room, there was no light in the window and the curtains were drawn completely. So he knocked lightly, but you didn’t answer. But your voice was a little louder. You sounded…stressed. Panicked. 

So he tried the door handle and when it opened after the third try, he made a mental note to let the owner know the door locks were still shitty. Then he opened it up. 

You felt like your entire body was being crushed underneath the rubble you’d found yourself caught in. Children were screaming and crying for their parents, the sky just kept growing darker until the wind that was howling started roaring together like every King of the Jungle had decided to descend on a small town and take out each building that stood, one by one. 

But just as the pressure of the air started forcing your lungs to your spine, a gust of air was let into your lungs again as you shot up and found two hands on your arms. 

Your legs kicked around, trying to find familiar ground. All the while, your entire body had gone from fire hot with clammy air to freezing cold with the amount of sweat that was being attacked by fresh air. 

And just as you came to realise where you actually were, you came to recognise the voice that the extra set of hands belonged to. 

“Hey, take it easy. Take it easy, it’s me.” Tyler told you. “It’s me, it’s me, it’s me, it’s me. It’s Tyler. Look at me, it’s me. Take it easy.”

Finally setting your feet on rough carpet, your vision managed to focus in the dark and you found Tyler in his pajamas crouching on the floor in front of you. 

“Tyler?”

“Yeah,” his voice was soft as he spoke to you. “It’s me. I heard a thud. Are you okay?”

You looked at him but you couldn’t find the words to answer him. Your entire body was shaking from the shock of reality and from the nightmare you’d just been trapped inside of. 

“Sorry.” Tyler quickly apologised. “That was a stupid question. You don’t have to answer that.”

You didn’t know what to do, so you just held onto his hand. 

“You’re shaking.” Tyler whispered. “Here.” 

Standing up, he reached for the top blankets from your bed before he wrapped it around your shoulder, tucking your hair behind your ear before kneeling back on the floor. 

“Just, take some deep breaths.” Tyler took hold of both of your hands. “Follow me. In, and out. In, and out. That’s it.”

“I’m sorry.” You eventually spoke, but Tyler just looked at you both concerned and confused.

“You don’t have to be sorry for anything. Was it a nightmare?”

You swallowed thickly as you nodded. “Yeah.”

Tyler had never heard your voice as weak as it was when you said that. 

“Do they happen often?”

You shook your head before taking a deep breath and tucking your hair back behind your ear. “They used to, but I haven’t had one in a while.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

You shook your head, unable to bring yourself to use words. So Tyler just nodded. “Okay. That’s okay.”

Then he went to stand and instinctively, you reached out for his hand. “Don’t…don’t leave. Not yet. Please?”

Looking up at you, Tyler’s expression softened. He could still feel your hand trembling in his, and he could see the fear in your eyes at the thought of being left alone in that moment. 

Tyler shook his head as he stood. “I’m not going anywhere. Come here.” 

Leaning up, Tyler pulled you into a hug and within an instant, you hugged him back. He could feel your fingertips making imprints in his back as you held onto him for dear life. And then he did something that he wouldn’t think about until long into the afternoon the next day. 

He pressed a kiss to your head as he leaned back before he stood and sat next to you on the bed. There, he placed a comforting arm around you as he pulled you inside his side and he pressed a small kiss to the top of your head. 

Then he saw the time on your phone where a weather warning notification popped up. 

“We should try and get some sleep. I’ll stay with you. Let me get you some water.”

You didn’t say a word, but you were thankful nonetheless. 

Tyler pressed a third kiss to your head before he stood and helped you back onto your bed where he lifted up the bed covers before letting them float back down on top of you before he moved towards the bathroom, collecting and replacing your lamp onto your bedside table and grabbing a fresh glass from the tea and coffee station on your desk. 

Tyler sat on the edge of the bed beside you as he handed you the glass which you took with a shaky hand. He took it back from you before putting it down and getting into bed beside you. 

He didn’t say anything else other than; “You’re safe.” when he clasped your hand in his between you both in your bed. 

Waking the next morning, your hand was still in his. 

“How’d you sleep?”

Looking up from where your eyes were focused on your hand in Tyler’s, a small smile gracing your face before you could stop it, you were met with Tyler. 

And, for a moment, all sense of ability to talk left you. If someone would have told you that waking up next to Tyler Owens wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, you wouldn’t have believed them. 

“Good.” You eventually answered him, your voice in a whisper. “Thank you for staying.”

Tyler just smiled. “Don’t mention it.”

You felt yourself smile before you looked away and back at your hand that was still in his. Feeling his fingers float over your skin before he pressed a small squeeze to your hand, your squeezed back. However, just as you felt yourself move closer towards Tyler, his grip getting a little steadier in your hand, a knock came to your door. 

“Y/n! Come on! You’re gonna miss it!” 

Kate’s voice rang through your room before she ran next door and banged on Boone’s door. 

“Boone! Tyler! Come on! Javi’s got a reading! Hurry!”

You and Tyler sprung from your bed and ran towards the door whilst Boone was slowly dragging himself from his bedroom, unaware that Tyler wasn’t in his room with him. 

You and Tyler squinted in the bright light of the morning before looking down the hall and seeing Boone shuffle out of his room wrapped in a blanket. “Tyler, man, Kate-” He yawned. “Kate’s calling.”

“Man, I’m here.”

Boone opened his eyes. “Oh. Kate’s calling.”

With a small sigh, you walked towards the balcony and looked over the edge. “Kate!”

She ran out from underneath it, a wide excited smile on her face. “Come on! Before we miss it!”

Both yourself and Tyler looked at each other before looking at Boone. 

“I’ve got him. Just get dressed.”

You nodded and ran back into your room, hearing Tyler force Boone back around to get dressed. Three minutes later you threw the door open just as Tyler and Boone left their room. 

“Guys! Come ON!”

“Alright, alright, we’re coming.” You said as you walked down the stairs. 

Boone yawned again. “What time is it anyway?”

Tyler looked at his dash. “A little after seven.”

“Seven?!”

Kate was rushing behind you, shoving different things into the van. “Y/n, you go with Tyler. I want to catch the data on this one.”

You didn’t have time to respond, but Tyler caught the look of growing fear in your expression. 

“It’ll be okay. You’re safe.”

Taking his word for it, you nodded before hopping into the back of his truck behind his seat whilst Boone crawled into the passenger seat, starting up the video to complain about the time of day but ultimately what they were doing. 

Kate ran past his window in a rush explaining what she and Javi had found. 

Looking in his rearview mirror, Tyler spotted you. 

“It’ll be okay. There’s a harness and-”

You looked at him and nodded. “I trust you.”

Tyler didn’t know what else to say, so he just stayed quiet and smiled. You’d never actually said those words out loud, that you trusted him. You’d also refused to go in his truck with him – even before he banned you from it. 

But he believed you. 

Because you meant it. 

If you didn’t trust him, you wouldn’t have agreed to Kate’s offer. If you didn’t trust him, you wouldn’t work with him. 

Deep down, if you didn’t trust him, you wouldn’t have asked him to stay. 

Twenty minutes later, you were all heading towards the town before taking a sharp right and heading straight towards the rolling crop fields. Then you went off road. 

It was bumpy to say the least. Shaking you all in your seats, Boone tried to get some usable footage out of it before you turned to the radio for Kate’s next instruction. 

“Watch out for a dip. Apparently one of the farmers tried to dig a mine out here.” Javi called out over the radio just before you spotted it. 

“Tyler, watch out for the dip!”

“On it.”

Turning the steering wheel, he should have avoided it. But apparently it was a lot wider than it seemed, sending you all rocking out of your seats and back again twice over. In the meantime, your hand had gone from holding onto the back of Tyler’s chair to hold you steady, to holding his shoulder to pull him back down. 

“Hold back, guys.” Tyler called out over the radio. 

“You guys okay?” Lily asked. 

“We’re fine.” Tyler lifted his hand and rested it over yours that remained on his shoulder, his thumb stroking at your knuckles. “Just shook up. Kate, you got any sign of that tornado.”

Two days later, everyone was back at Kate’s farm and you had driven home but not before leaving something by Tyler’s door. 

However, a few hours later, a familiar truck started pulling up your driveway and towards your home. 

Sitting on the porch swing, you were backlit by the warm lights of the living room lamps whilst Tyler was swimming in the blanket of the night sky and stars. 

“What are you doing out here?”

“Could ask you the same thing.” Tyler said before he stopped, six feet short of your porch. “I got your pie.”

“I made it as a thank you,” you said. “You…you didn’t have to stay when…when you did.” Your eyes fell from his gaze to your hands as you picked at your fingers. 

“You don’t have to thank me.” Tyler said as he shook his head, walking forward some more until he was walking up the steps of your porch. 

Then he leaned against the wooden pole. “Do you want to talk about it?”

You looked away again, back at your hands. “They’re nothing.”

“Y/n…” 

With a few moments of silence exchanged in between your shared look with Tyler, you eventually let that wall down. “They’re nothing big. Really. They can just be…intense?”

Tyler waited and listened to every word you wanted to say. 

“I used to get them more but in the last couple of years they’ve just been as common as regular nightmares. Just a little more intense.”

“Does anyone else know?”

You shook your head. “You’re the only one.”

“What about Kate?”

You shook your head. “No. It just…never came up. The other night was the first time it’s been like that for a while.”

“Are you sure?”

You nodded as you looked at Tyler. “It was about all of us. We got trapped by an EF-3 but it just kept growing until I was under it. When you came in, a pile of rubble had just been dropped from the tornado.”

“Does something trigger them?”

You could only shrug. “They just kinda appear on their own, I guess.”

Tyler could see the weight that you carried on your shoulders because of it. The way your entire body seemed tense whilst you tried to force it to relax. The way you picked at your fingers, trying to force away the memory of being in that nightmare. 

Looking around your land, he got an idea. 

“Come with me.”

“What?”

Tyler turned around and ran down your porch stairs. “Come on.”

“Tyler-” You had to stand to see him as he ran off back towards his truck. “What are yo- Where are you going?”

Holding something in his hand, he ran to his flatbed before running off towards the side of your house and into the grass field. 

“Just come on!”

With a small huff of curiosity and slight worry that Tyler had completely lost the plot, you ran over and followed him before you found him removing his boots and socks. 

“Tyler, what are you doing?”

“We’re dancing.”

“What?”

Tyler just held a wide grin on his face as he set the tape into the player. 

“You need to relax; get out of your head. So, we’re dancing.”

You looked down at his feet and back again. “Barefoot?”

“Are you gonna keep fighting me on this, or are you gonna join me?”

Pressing play, he turned the dial up and ran out into the grass. You had two options; leave him on his own and remain on the sidelines. Or, take your shoes and socks off and join him. 

You chose option two. 

Curling your socks up inside your shoes and leaving them by his boots, you went out into the short grass field and joined him. 

And you just…

Danced. 

Leading you in a two-step, Tyler spun you around the grass until you found yourself in a fit of giggles. You didn’t know how long you and Tyler danced, but it was long enough for the songs on his tape to transfer towards slower songs that meant you and Tyler were slow-dancing under the stars whilst barefoot in the grass. 

With one of your hands clasped in his, a hand on your waist and your hand on his arm, Tyler leaned into you. His cheek resting against your temple, you both swayed gently with the breeze all the while, blades of grass softened under your feet. 

“Tyler?”

He hummed. 

“I know you said I don’t have to thank you-”

“Y/n.” You could hear the smile in his voice as he said your name. 

You leaned back to look at him. “No, I mean it. You’re the first person to ever do this for me, and given our track record, nobody would have blamed you for ignoring me completely.”

A small smile graced his lips. “I’d never ignore you, Y/n.”

“But no one would have blamed you.”

Tyler just shook his head before turning you out and around, then pulling you back in. “If I ignored you, I’d never be able to thank you for the pie. How did you know apple was my favourite?” 

You felt yourself laugh. “Tyler, I’m being serious.”

Holding you back in his arms, Tyler nodded. “I know. But so am I. I’d never ignore you, Y/n. You’re too important to me.”

“I thought we hated each other?”

Tyler just shook his head. “I’ve never hated you, Y/n. You might have been the biggest pain in my ass for a while, but I never hated you.”

“Not once?”

“Not once,” he confirmed. 

You felt your heart sink a little with guilt. “Now I feel bad.”

Tyler just chuckled. “Don’t be. We were a thorn in each other’s side. Besides, I think it’s been giving the others some pretty good entertainment.”

“You know about Kate and Boone, too?”

Tyler gave you a confused look. “I was talking about Javi and Dexter. Wait, what happened with Kate and Boone?”

“They’ve been running some kind of bet on us for months.”

“Really?”

“You haven’t noticed?”

Tyler shook his head. “No.”

“Why do you think Kate keeps making scores in that little notebook of hers?”

“The blue one?”

You shook your head. “The brown one.” Then you remembered. “Why? What’s happening with Javi and Dexter?”

“Just whisperings. I can’t believe they’ve been keeping score.” Tyler paused for a moment. “Who do you think’s winning?”

Laughing, you pushed Tyler away before he took hold of your hands and pulled you back in with a twist. 

After that night, things started to change between you and Tyler. There were less petty arguments, but some more purposeful ones remained in order to make sure Kate was, in fact, keeping score. 

She was. 

There were also less intense glares, more silent conversations being had, even when a rodeo crowd separated you both. 

And then something else was added into the mix. 

You couldn’t quite place what it was but it was…something. Something that, each time you locked eyes with him, it made your heart jump inside your chest. Something that made you want to see his smile more, and hear his voice more. Something that made you want to be surrounded by him. 

What you didn’t know was that you weren’t alone in the feeling. 

Each time Tyler saw your smile, heard your laugh or felt your hand by his, his heart seemed to want to explode inside his chest. Of course, he wasn’t a stranger to the feeling. He’d had the same feelings for you for a while. 

The first time it happened was when he’d seen a genuine smile spread across your face when sat around the campfire by his truck when Boone was attempting to reenact Lily’s middle school cheerleading solo. 

He’d seen you smile before – though it was rare – but he’d never seen…you. In the glow of the campfire, joy in your eyes and smile, he knew he would wait a thousand lifetimes just to see you smile like that, again. 

Since dancing with you barefoot in the grass, Tyler had only seen your smile more. 

Which only made him fall faster. 

It all came to a head one evening. He’d just parked in your driveway, walking up the steps of your porch when you opened your front door with two tins of paint in your hands. 

You’d been painting your porch since the weather was nice and no storms were expected to develop over the next few days. Since he had some time free, he offered to help.

And sat on the grass, hours later, watching the clouds roll by in the sunset; your fingers and arms splattered with white paint, you and Tyler talked. 

Until, eventually, you both walked over to the tin bucket and began to wipe the paint away. 

“It’s not coming off.”

“Come ‘ere.” Tyler took your hand in his before dunking the cloth into the water and wiping away the stubborn paint on the edge of your palm. 

It was then that the world seemed to get quiet. There were no loud noises from up above, there were no incoming tornado warnings or people bustling about during the rodeo. There were no teammates trying to keep score of words or tones. 

There was just you and Tyler. 

Whether he kissed you, or you kissed him, first would be up for debate later. But until then, all you wanted was to be with him. To have his hands in yours. To have his lips on yours. To have his arms wrap around you in such a way that, for the first time, ever, you felt stable. All noise was drowned away, all worries cut their ties from your mind until all that was left was pure happiness. 

Which brought you to the moment all the Wranglers had agreed to come to your home for the day to take a break from the data, and the science. and the dragging of time being sat on the phone with different companies whose interest only ran so far into meteorology. 

“What time are they supposed to be getting here?”

You looked at the clock on your kitchen wall. “They should have been here twenty minutes ago.”

Tyler’s brow furrowed. “I’ll give them a call.”

And so he did. 

Which resulted in the Wrangler’s time of being super secret spies, being over. 

[fefern]

✧˖° first dates with them. | lingyang, m!rover, jiyan headcanons.

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴ synopsis: going on a first date is always nerve wracking, yet can also be exciting! what's it like for these boys to take you out on your first date together?

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴ characters involved (separate): lingyang, male rover, jiyan, and a gender neutral reader.

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴ warnings: none!

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴ notes: hello! coming to you live with my first post for wuwa! just some cute little headcanons with the boys on first dates with you because i love planning dates out ;;!! requests are open if you want to talk or have me write something!! ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)

Lingyang

Lingyang has never been more excited or nervous to hang out with someone, even more so since this was his first date with you. 

As someone who always seemed to fear being different from the humans around him, he felt extra self-conscious when he looked in the mirror and adjusted his outfit. Did he look alright? Were you going to enjoy this as much as he thought he would? Will everything go well? What if you decided you changed your mind and didn’t want to date someone of his species?

His first date gift for you would be a small lion plushie. Cute and fluffy with vibrant colors, he’d hold it out in front of him and shut his eyes tight, anxiety flowing through him. “These are for you! That way, when you miss me, you can hug this! If you want to, no pressure!” 

He’d be ecstatic when you took it into your hands and held it throughout your date together, happily looking between you and the plush and feeling his cheeks turn a rosy pink that you two were going out together. 

He’d probably take you to the best food spots all around Jinzhou, ranting about which dishes to try or who had his favorite foods. He’d want to get to know you more, curious and nervous as he’s asking you about your likes, dislikes, what your daily life is like in Jinzhou. Lingyang would walk and eat with you along the way, practically enamored by anything you did or said. 

His tail would swish fast back and forth whenever you were talking. Even if it’s something you found mundane, he couldn’t help but be happy just listening to you speak. His ears will also be very reactive around you, usually up but always reacting accordingly to whenever you’d tell a story or joke with him. 

He’ll let you pet him if you want to, he trusts you after all. His cheeks flush a soft pink and he lets out a small purr when you do so, finding himself growing a bit shyer at the sweet touch. He also feels a tad embarrassed by it, so you’ll have to pry his hands away as he childishly hides the way he’s turning red from you. 

He seems a little bit sad when you two do have to part, but when you ask him when the next one would be, a hopeful look emerges in his eyes as he begins to excitedly make plans to see you again and take you on another date. 

Other Points:  - Will jump in place when super excited to tell you something while on the date.  - Would point to some random cute things on your walk and go, “That reminds me of you!” - Happy to talk about lion dancing with you, and if you show more interest in it, he’ll offer to give you your own personal show one day!

Rover (Male)

Considering he is a person that just woke up in a strange world with no memories of his past or who he is, he is a bit lost on the idea of what to do during a date with you. Were there rules he had to follow? Did people in Jinzhou have certain taboos or ways that they executed dates?

He’d most likely ask all around the city in order to find out what to do or where to take you. He wanted to make sure the experience was good after all, not something that the both of you would dread. 

When he meets up with you, his hair is a bit more put together than usual and he stands up tall, giving you a small smile as he gently takes your arm and links it with his. 

“Take me around the city. Show me how you see the world through your eyes.”

His first date gift would be a small box of candy. I could definitely see Rover as being a person who likes small sweet treats as a guilty pleasure, and he’d want to share them with you as a way of connecting you with something that you love. 

He’s calm throughout most of your stroll, browsing through stores or looking around in quiet curiosity as you show him little nooks and crannies of the city. He enjoyed hearing how you would describe stores or fixate on different areas of the city that he hadn’t thought to really pay attention to before. 

He makes a mental note of the places that you like so that for your next date, you two could come back to them. Rover is already a few steps ahead in terms of thinking where he wants to go with you or what he wants to do. 

When you’re done showing him the city, he’ll give you a kind, endearing look and smile at you. He’ll take a moment to just admire you, shifting some of your hair out of your face and enjoy being in your presence before ultimately, it is time to part ways. He’ll wave you off, thanking you for everything and giving him a tour, before he smiles to himself like a fool and turns to head back to his quarters. 

Other Points: - Probably would be looking at you more than the city.  - Fast walker, so you’d have to keep up the pace. Apologies if he’s going too fast and happens to catch you struggling. - Will inquire about certain places just to listen to you talk. 

Jiyan

As the general of the Midnight Rangers that conducts himself in a poised, righteous manner, he’d be the most classy out of all the people to take you out on a date. 

Jiyan’s got a busy schedule as the head of such an important group in Jinzhou, but after bonding with you and asking you out he wanted to ensure that he carved out time in advance for just you and him to spend an afternoon together. 

He’d take you to a fancy restaurant in Jinzhou, the best money can buy. He’d be sure to pick you up from your place and walk with you to the restaurant. When you open the door, he’s standing in front of you with his hair slicked back and ponytail waving a bit in the wind, his clothes pristine and ironed out to look his absolute best in front of you. 

His present for you is a bouquet of flowers he made himself. He enlisted the help of his mom for this one, catching up with her about medical practices as he puts together the best pecok, irises, and poppies that he could find when he was out on his rounds into a pretty bouquet just for you. It’s wrapped up with brown paper and has a nice aqua bow on it, matching his hair.

When you get to the restaurant, he’ll look at the menu with you and ask you to order anything your heart desires. He already knows what he wants to eat, and will quietly look at you with a softened expression as you begin choosing what you want. He finds the way you handle yourself beautiful, even if it’s through simple things like ordering food. 

Jiyan will happily eat anything you don’t end up finishing. He doesn’t want to waste money, and he also cannot deny that the way you ask him to finish your plate was cute. He’ll work it off anyways with the amount of fighting and training he does, so he doesn’t mind. 

Will pay for the meal. No splitting or you paying, as much as you might plead and beg.

Will take you back to your place and entertain any questions you may have for him, whether it be about his past, missions he’s been on, or just about his duties as general of the Midnight Rangers. When he drops you off, he’d take the back of your hand and gently place a kiss on it before standing up straight and giving you a small smile, wishing you a goodnight. 

Other Points: - Will hold all your belongings so your hands are free and light. Does not matter how heavy or how much you have, he will refuse to let you “labor” like that, as he puts it.  - Admires your personality and the way you hold yourself when you speak. - Has a strong desire to protect you; always subconsciously keeping an eye out for any danger even though it’s daylight out.

[roosterr]

Hi idk if you're accepting requests but I literally just read the amnesia fic, and I was wondering if I could request where reader suddenly remembers everything, and sprints around base trying to find them, and just jumps on them crying and apologizing for forgetting them. Just some really fluffy comfort? It's okay if you don't want to write this lol

the 141 when you have amnesia – p2

note: i have received your therapy bills :)

wc: 5.2k

warnings: still a bit angsty I'm sorry I couldn't resist, fluff, hurt/comfort, mild injury and blood, happy endings for all I promise

ao3

[part one]

price

✹ john thought your initial reaction was a good sign. you seemed to be taking things well, considering the extent of your injuries, and it was only a matter of time before your memories returned.

✹ your spirits are high when you're reintroduced to the team, and though you don't remember them either you do say they feel familiar, which he takes as a good sign for your recovery.

✹ when you're finally discharged, he takes you home, to the house that the two of you bought together. he shows you the photos of the two of you that decorate the walls, fondly retelling the stories of each one to you even though you were there, and these are your pictures.

✹ if you notice the way he chokes up when you get to your wedding photos, you don't say anything.

✹ like the true gentleman he is, he insists on sleeping on the sofa and leaving you to take the bed, despite your protests about it being his home too. even though you were receptive, he would never risk making you uncomfortable by sleeping in the same bed when he was, essentially, a stranger.

✹ in all your years of marriage, he's never slept on the sofa before. the two of you rarely go to bed without each other, apart from the times you're separated by your job, and consequently he finds himself not getting much rest.

✹ you're still on leave while you're physically recovering from being in a coma, so john has to go to work without you every morning, something he also hasn't done since you got married. he wishes he could bring you with him anyway, just to have you near him, but he knows that's selfish and you still need time.

✹ the base is dull without you.

✹ again, he keeps up the appearance that he's okay, and maybe it's a little more true this time now that you're actually awake, but he still feels your absence like a weight on his shoulders.

✹ the other three are pleased amongst themselves about your recovery, gaz and soap constantly asking him how you are; and he knows they mean well, but it's still irritating because how could you be okay? you don't even remember your own husband, nothing about this is okay.

✹ he keeps his grievances to himself though. he's still their captain, he can't afford to fall apart when he still has a job to do.

✹ he's woken up one night by soft footsteps in the living room. his neck aches as his eyes snap open, every sense on high alert until he realises it's just you. a quiet grunt escapes him as he sits up, massaging his sore muscles from sleeping on the sofa.

✹ when the sound of muffled crying reaches his ears, he's immediately on his feet, his heart racing as he shuffles over to where you're standing with a hand covering your mouth.

✹ he presses a hand to your back, rubbing soothing circles between your shoulder blades. you don't look at him, your crying only increasing in volume now you're not worried about waking him.

✹ now that he's right next to you, he sees through the darkness that you're holding one of your wedding photos. it's his favourite picture, the one where he's lifting you with an arm around your waist and you're both gazing into each other's eyes with the most lovestruck expression on your faces.

✹ "i– i know i love you, so wh-why can't i just remember you?" you sputter in between sobs, and you might as well have just ripped his heart out of his chest, because he can't stop the way he breaks down at your words.

✹ john wraps both arms tightly around you, caging you to his chest and nestling your head into the crook of his shoulder while pressing his own tear-stained face into the top of your head.

✹ "it's alright, love–" his voice cracks pitifully, and he's never felt quite as hopeless as he does in this moment. "it'll be alright, you'll remember, i promise…"

✹ he's not sure who he's trying to convince, you or himself as you both sink to the floor in each other's embrace. you stay like that for hours, crying for your lost memory into the early morning.

✹ after that, he can't be bothered to pretend he's okay anymore.

✹ he starts drinking again, shamelessly in the middle of the day and grumbling at gaz and ghost when they wrestle the bottle away from him. he knows you'd disapprove, but the toll of lying to himself and everyone around him has caught up. all he wanted was his partner back, the love of his life, you.

✹ the others try to knock some sense into him, but talking to him becomes like going back and forth with a brick wall. gaz even gets kate on the phone to yell at him, but nothing seems to get through. he orders them to leave him alone, stop asking about you, and it really feels like he's lost hope.

✹ it goes on like this for a week straight, nearly a full month since you first woke up.

✹ and then one boring afternoon, there's a commotion outside his office. john hears cheers and shouts from down the corridor, but he can't bring himself to care enough to investigate.

✹ he's not in the mood to celebrate whatever it is they're cheering about anyway.

✹ john's just about to stand and yell at them to shut up, but then you're suddenly standing at his door, slamming it behind you as you rush over to his desk. his face must be the picture of surprise as he swivels in his chair to follow you as you approach, opening his legs for you to stand between them.

✹ his breath catches in his throat as you cup his face, your touch so tender it has his heart hammering against his sternum like the very first time you touched him all those years ago. he plants his hands firmly on your hips, too afraid of getting his hopes up to say a single word as he watches you get closer.

✹ your face hovers just above his, warm breath fanning over his face as you inch ever closer. he sees your eyes glistening before they flutter shut, brushing your lips against his with an anticipation that has his skin tingling.

✹ when you pull away, his eyes stay closed, but he can hear the smile in your voice when you whisper,

✹ "i remember you now."

✹ his heart might’ve actually stopped at your words, surprise shooting through him like a bolt of lightning as his eyes snap open.

✹ in a second, he's lifting you by the waist and dropping you onto his desk, uncaring for the various papers that he brushes out of the way to make room for you.

✹ he can't stop the overjoyed laugh that rumbles in his chest now he's the one standing between your legs, gripping your face and pushing his lips back against your with all the passion he's been bottling up during your recovery.

✹ you smile into the kiss too, wrapping your arms securely around his neck, running your fingers up his neck and through his hair. it feels like a weight has lifted, something heavy in the back of his mind finally dissipating and allowing him to relax into your hold.

✹ the two of you break away after a moment, keeping him close to you as you press your forehead to his. "i'm sorry that i ever forgot you."

✹ "i can think of a way you can make it up to me, love…"

gaz

✹ you're so apologetic about your amnesia, it breaks his heart all over again. what's worse is that he has no idea what to do; he doesn't want to try and force you to remember, that would just stress you out more, but he wants you to remember him so desperately he feels it ache in his bones.

✹ in the end, he decides to just let things play out. he wants you to recover at your own pace, and not just because of him and how he feels about you.

✹ he also doesn't say a word about your relationship, but with how he initially reacted, he's sure you got the idea. you don't mention it either, which admittedly hurts a little, but he's sure the confusion of waking up to having a boyfriend who's name you don't even know is worse than how he feels about it.

✹ kyle vows to take care of you the moment you're discharged. he takes you to your room, shows you where everything is, makes sure you know where he is should you ever need anything, and he even introduces you to the others again.

✹ you still remember your job and how to do it so, once you're physically well enough, you get right back to it. they carry on as normal, the rest of the taskforce – assimilating you back into their nights of drinking and fucking around as if you'd never left.

✹ kyle still doesn't feel right about it.

✹ he doesn't want to treat you like glass, because you're exactly the same as when he first met you. you're still quick-witted, stubborn, and one of the toughest people he knows, you just… don't know him.

✹ it kills him on the inside, but he stays strong for you; the last thing he wants is to become the mess of a man he was when you were out, he doesn't want you to see him like that. he sorely misses spending his nights with you, and talking endlessly about your days to each other. he sends you longing glances every time you look away, wondering if you'd ever feel the same again.

✹ if you can go back to living normally, why can't he?

✹ but as the weeks go by, kyle notices how you start to withdraw, the loneliness that blocks out the light in your eyes that he loves so much. you fade into the background of conversations, sticking to listening rather than engaging.

✹ you watch them from afar, and he still knows you well enough to know what's going through your head. feeling somehow like you belong and also like an outsider at the same time, wishing you could understand the inside jokes you were a part of.

✹ he wishes more than anything that there was something he could do – make you understand that you're wanted, and you're a valuable part of the team even without your memories, but any time he brings it up you simply brush him off with that far away look in your eyes.

✹ three weeks go by before anything changes.

✹ it's the first time in a while they finally have an afternoon off, so of course they decide to spend it playing football on one of the fields within the bounds of the base. soap and ghost on one team, gaz and the captain on the other, with you spectating and keeping score on the sidelines. 

✹ kyle offered to sit out if you wanted to play, but you'd brushed him off with the excuse of wanting to rest and read your book, laying out your jacket on the grass to sit on.

✹ he could tell you weren't all there, but he didn't know how to help you; so he just reassured you that you could call him over if you needed anything, and left you to guard his own jacket and water bottle before running off to join the game.

✹ the whole time he was sprinting around the field, he couldn't stop looking over to you over by the sidelines. he wasn't with it, he hadn't been since you woke up, really, and the others could tell.

✹ price abruptly calls half-time, clapping gaz on the shoulder and giving him a knowing look. "just talk to 'em, before it eats you alive." he chides, pushing him in your direction before he can think to protest.

✹ with a deep sigh and a glace backwards to the others, who shoo him away without a word, he jogs over to where you're sitting. the way the late afternoon sun hits you just right stops kyle dead in his tracks when he catches how it glows in your eyes. he feels a pull in his chest as he approaches you.

✹ you look up from your book as his shadow reaches you, shooting him a tiny smile as he drops himself next to you. he takes a swig from his water bottle as he catches his breath, extremely conscious of the way your teammates are pretending not to watch him while he comes up with the words.

✹ "so, who's winning then?" you ask, turning so you're facing him. he sees how your smile doesn't quite reach your eyes.

✹ "aren't you supposed to be keepin' score?" kyle chuckles, shifting slightly closer to you as you look away with a bashful expression. he allows your hands to brush, wanting nothing more than to lock your fingers together.

✹ "i'm not really paying attention."

✹ there's a beat of silence and that helpless feeling is back as he watches you look back out to the field, where the others are still kicking the ball back and forth.

✹ "how you doin'?" he asks, keeping his voice low as he leans in even closer to you. your mouth opens to respond, that slightly off smile back on your face, but before you can he places his hand fully over yours, giving it a comforting squeeze. "actually."

✹ you sigh, heavy and tired, and bring your gaze back over to his. "it's… hard." you begin, your eyes betraying the internal struggle. "and i'm… i know, before, we were–"

✹ he blinks and you're being sent over backwards by a football flying into your face with a smack that makes kyle's ears ring.

✹ immediately he's crouching over you, helping you sit back up and pressing the sleeve of his jacket to your nose, uncaring for the blood that stains it.

✹ "you alright?" he murmurs, gently holding your face as he inspects your nose. you nod, wincing at the movement, and take the sleeve of his jacket from him.

✹ once he's sure you're okay, his vision turns red with anger. it's pretty obvious who kicked the ball when he whips around to see soap kneeling on the ground with his head in his hands.

✹ "oi!" kyle shouts, sending him a deadly glare as he gets up. "soap, what the fuck!"

✹ the man in question looks up from his hands, an incredibly guilty look on his face. "i'm sorry pal! i dinnae ken what happened!"

✹ "just piss off, you prick!"

✹ kyle looks back to you, crouching down again with a concerned frown; but you're already looking at him, the silhouette of his own form reflected in your wide eyes. your nose is still dripping blood, but you drop his jacket and your hands to your lap anyway, mouth agape as you stare back at him.

✹ "what's wrong? are you–"

✹ you cut him off by tackling him to the ground with your arms around his neck, squeezing a surprised 'oof' from him as you land on top of his chest. one of his hands flies to your waist to steady you, the other carefully cradling your head.

✹ "i remember!" you cry, an elated laugh bubbling up as fresh tears wet your cheeks.

✹ kyle lets out a relieved laugh of his own, craning his neck to plant his lips firmly on yours with an infectious grin. in the background the others groan at the display of affection, but neither of you pay them any mind.

✹ eventually the two of you pull away, a wide smile still plastered on both of your faces as you get up from the grass. he pulls you in with the hand that still hasn't moved from your waist and leans to whisper in your ear,

✹ "fancy kickin' soap's arse?"

✹ "you read my mind."

soap

✹ johnny's enthusiastic with your recovery. anyone could've guessed that from the moment you woke up he'd be doting, eager to help you in any way you could need.

✹ yes, you didn't remember him, but be was just so ecstatic that you were okay – apart from the amnesia – that he couldn't find it in himself to be disappointed about it. you'd get your memories back soon enough, and then everything would go right back to the way it was.

✹ sometimes he gets a little carried away, forgets that while you are technically in a relationship, he's not much more than a stranger to you right now. more than once you end up having to ask him for some space because he's so incredibly touchy, and you're not sure how to handle it.

✹ you also request a temporary room to sleep in while you recover, separate from him. johnny's not sure how he feels about it.

✹ he feels that sinking feeling in his chest whenever you push him back with a hand on his chest, a polite smile tugging at your lips. it's disheartening, but he tries not to let it get to him. you'll remember soon, and then this will all be in the past.

✹ maybe you'll even laugh about it, how you could ever forget your wonderful boyfriend.

✹ he takes it upon himself to read up on amnesia, so he can better understand how to help you in any way you might need. once he learns that exposure to memories that you've lost can help your recovery, he eagerly convinces you to let him show you places that have meaning to you and your relationship with him.

✹ you agree, and he didn't actually need to do much convincing because you seem just as interested in the idea as him. he knocks on your door the following evening, offering you a single rose before whisking you away with a charming smile.

✹ he takes you on your first date all over again, with the same level of enthusiasm as before. he treats you to dinner at a relatively nice restaurant, telling you all about how the two of you got together in the first place, and memories you have together. he even orders you dessert, recalling with a chuckle how he accidentally guessed your favourite on your actual first date.

✹ once you both finish eating, he guides you by the hand to the canal for the second half of the date, a romantic moonlit stroll by the water. he pulls you close with an arm around your shoulders, meeting your eyes with a fond smile and a blush dusting his cheeks.

✹ "hold on…" you mutter, a pensive expression taking over your face as you stop walking. you turn to gaze at the water, seemingly working something out in your mind. "this… this is where gaz fell into the river that one time, right?"

✹ johnny's heart misses a beat, his eyes lighting up with renewed, excited hope as he grins at you. "you remember?"

✹ "a little, yeah," you smile, dropping your gaze and hands from his with a sorry scratch at the back of your neck. "the rest is still blank, though…"

✹ his smile falters, but he's quick to make sure you don't see his disappointment by pulling you into a reassuring hug. "that's still somethin'! you'll be good as new in nae time!"

✹ the next morning, he finds you and gaz in the rec room on one of the couches, talking animatedly with each other. that familiar shine is in your eyes, the sight johnny's been missing for the last few months. it makes his heart feel light, finally seeing you acting like your normal self again after so long.

✹ he approaches you both, watching you fondly as you talk and laugh with gaz, but his good mood is soured when you only briefly acknowledge his arrival when he sits down across from you, before resuming your conversation with gaz. his brow twitches downwards.

✹ gaz is one of your closest friends, and he’s glad you remembered him. he's happy that you got part of your memory back, even if it wasn't a part that included him.

✹ this was a good thing. you'd remember him soon, he was sure of it.

✹ a few more days pass until anything else notable happens. while you were in the gym together, you told him you felt a headache coming on, so he offered to walk you to the infirmary for some painkillers. the casual conversation you made on the way wouldn't have bothered him before, but he just couldn't shake the image of you and gaz being so comfortable, while he's still stuck on the outside.

✹ he doesn't say anything though. making you feel bad about it won't solve anything, and it's not like you're doing it on purpose, he knows you wouldn't do that to him. you were just excited to have a familiar face, that's all.

✹ while you're waiting for the medic on call, your head suddenly snaps to attention and you get that same pensive look on your face as that night by the river.

✹ "you got something?" johnny asks, bringing his hand up to rest on your upper back. he doesn't want to get his hopes up, but he can't help the way his heart flutters with optimism.

✹ you nod, a smile growing on your features. "i remember that time lt. dislocated my shoulder, and price basically forced him apologise to me," you laugh, thankfully facing away from johnny as his lips turn downwards, "god, he was pissed, it was honestly kinda funny."

✹ "what, uhm…" he lightly clears his throat, hoping you don't hear the dejection in his voice, "what about me?"

✹ you meet his eyes again with an apologetic shake of your head. "i'm sorry, soap…"

✹ "yer fine, it's–" he swallows thickly, waving you off with an exaggerated smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, "this is good, it's progress."

✹ since then, he's given you more space. it's clear to him that his efforts aren't helping you remember him, it actually feels like it's having the opposite effect. of course, he's glad you remember your friends, but you still don't remember him – your own boyfriend.

✹ it's wrong, and he knows it is, but he's jealous.

✹ he has to watch you carry on like usual, without him. you haven't set foot in the room you used to share together since before you were comatose. he's done his best to disguise how much it hurts, but it still annoys him how no one else seems to notice how wrong it all is. the others don't need you like he does, they don't lay awake at night going over every moment, treasuring the time you called him yours, yearning with every fibre of his being to go back.

✹ it's been a month and a half since you woke up, six weeks of being so close yet so unbearably far from you. he prays to any god that will listen to bring you back to him, allow him to hold you in his arms once more, but nothing ever changes.

✹ the thread he's been hanging on by ever since you went down on that mission gone wrong is one more bad day away from snapping.

✹ he's approached by gaz one morning, while waiting for the others to begin training, who takes it upon himself to ask johnny about how you're recovering. when gaz teases him about how he was the first person you remembered, and johnny thinks he might just strangle him.

✹ "careful, soap, i might steal 'em away," gaz laughs, patting his shoulder with a camaraderie soap scoffs at.

✹ "shut the fuck up." he snarls, his face bunched in a strikingly out of character scowl. his hands twitch at his sides, nails digging painfully into his palms.

✹ gaz blinks, his eyebrows shooting up, clearly taken aback by the hostility from his friend. "alright, i was only jokin', mate."

✹ "aye, well, i'm nae laughin'."

✹ the tension is stifling. he can tell gaz wants to say something more, but he holds his tongue – too worried about upsetting soap any further.

✹ they stand in silence with each other like that for a while, gaz watching him from the corner of his eye while he keeps his gaze firmly on the grass below him.

✹ thankfully, after not too long the uneasy atmosphere is interrupted by a shout from the direction of the building, "johnny!"

✹ his head snaps to attention to see you, grinning uncontrollably and sprinting towards him at full speed.

✹ "wha–" he's caught off guard by how you leap into his arms, hooking your arms around his neck as he stumbles backwards in surprise.

✹ before he has time to question your actions, you're smashing your lips against his in a searing kiss that has johnny's head spinning. he wastes no time in reciprocating, securing one arm around your waist and bringing the other to the back of your head, using it you press you impossibly closer to him as he groans into your mouth.

✹ you reluctantly pull away, just enough to take a shaky breath, but johnny's had stays put on the back of your head. "i'm sorry i forgot, i'm sorry…" you mumble against his lips, dragging your fingers through the unkempt hair of his mohawk.

✹ he drops his head into the juncture of you neck and shoulder, inhaling deeply the scent of you that he's gone so long without. he laughs into you, slightly delirious and just so overjoyed to have you in his arms again that feels his eyes sting with tears.

✹ "i've missed you, bonnie," he chuckles wetly, pressing his lips back to yours in another desperate kiss, "i've missed you so much,"

✹ "i'll never forget you again."

ghost

✹ he avoids you like the plague.

✹ or he tries to, at least. but truth be told, after spending so much time learning to be vulnerable around you and allowing you into his guarded heart, it's difficult to go back to being a stranger to you.

✹ that, and he doesn't actually want to.

✹ but he needs to. being around you, the love of his life, knowing that you don't remember him, it's like a knife stuck between his ribs. any time he's in the same room as you he finds himself fighting the urge to grab your hand, or press his forehead against you.

✹ he knows you don't want him anymore, the last thing you deserve is a giant of a man – who you're clearly afraid of, even if you won't say it – hanging around you like a shadow.

✹ you're still kind to him, because of course you are, checking in on him and trying to talk to him any opportunity you get. it's nice, sometimes he can even pretend everything is normal when he shares a laugh with you, but then he sees the hesitance in your eyes and he's brought back to the cold reality of the situation.

✹ the weeks drag like this, every fleeting look from you another bleeding wound on his heart.

✹ he keeps it together surprisingly well, all things considered, but the breaking point comes when you find him having a smoke one night, on a bench just outside the barracks.

✹ "simon?" your voice cuts through the silence, his eyes snapping to you as you sit down next to him. he takes another long drag from his cigarette as he watches you, uncertainty in your voice as you continue, "can you tell me about… me? and us?"

✹ no matter how much he thinks he should, he can't look away from your pleading gaze.

✹ "we… you're everything to me," simon mutters, dropping his cigarette and putting it out with the heel of his boot, "i've never felt the way i do with you before, you've helped me more than you could ever know…"

✹ his vision blurs with unshed tears. the sadness on your face starts and ache in his heart, the desire to take you into his arms and just hold you making his skin bristle.

✹ "you don't have to feel the same way, but…" he pulls the balaclava from his head, setting it on the bench in the space between you, bearing his face to you like he always does, "even if you never get your memory back, i'll always love you."

✹ the way you look at him makes it so incredibly difficult not to cry. your eyes are glassy and far away, your bottom lip pulled between your teeth with an expression that screams guilt – but it's not your fault, and he'd never blame you.

✹ you open your mouth to say something, but the words never materialise. the night stays silent, and simon expects it, but it still makes his bones ache with a heaviness that he knows he can't shake.

✹ he stands, picking up his balaclava, and walks quietly past you to the barracks door. there's no fleeting look, not this time. he disappears to his room without another word.

✹ he's not sure how much later it is when he hears a knock on his door. minutes, hours, it didn't matter. it all blends together now.

✹ when he doesn't bother to answer, whoever it is lets themselves in, shutting the door gently behind themselves. he sits up with the intention of chewing them out, but when he opens his eyes they land on your form, curled in on yourself and shuffling quickly over to him.

✹ you're here, in his room, with a face that looks like you've been crying for hours, puffy and tear-stained with bloodshot eyes.

✹ he almost thinks he's dreaming, but the warmth as you wrap your arms around him and bring his face to your chest is too real, too familiar. he brings his arms up  around your waist, releasing a shaky sigh into your skin as he squeezes you tighter against him.

✹ a few hot tears meet the top of his head as you whisper to him the words he's been waiting, longing to hear, rocking gently from side to side.

✹ "i remember, si."

✹ it feels like he can finally rest, like the state of being he's been living in for the last few months melts away with your touch and he feels safe again.

✹ with his grip around your waist, he hoists you onto his bed to lay back down with him, holding you tightly against his chest, your heart right beside his own racing one.

✹ you cradle his face again, pressing your lips to his face over and over, touching every inch of him with your love.

✹ "i'm sorry…" you whisper like a mantra, punctuating every kiss with an apology that makes his throat constrict with the raw emotion he feels. "i'm sorry,"

✹ "don't be…" he mirrors how you hold his face, tangling his legs with yours as he captures your mouth and pours every ounce of passion he has into the way he kisses you. "don't be, love."

[pianostarinwonderland]

Hello hello guys!! I participated in the Octazinelle zine 😳👉👈 and this was the fic I wrote!

Link of the zine is found in the notes section. I really hope you enjoy!

graduation [octazinelle: high tide fic submission]

in the few months they have before getting ready to leave for internship, floyd and jade go through the turbulence that future uncertainties bring: where will they go, what will they do, but most importantly... what will happen to their relationship with azul?

ft. floyd leech, jade leech, and azul ashengrotto

╰┈➤ 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: hello hello!! i participated in a zine titled octazinelle: high tide! you can find the full zine through here~ this was a very fun project and i'm so excited to post the fic i wrote for you guys ^^ i really care about this fic so much, so there will be additional notes that i will leave somewhere :3c don't worry, they won't be hard to find fufufu

“Floyd Leech.”

Said student is just climbing down the steps of the lecture room when he hears his name being called in an austere manner. Any remaining students in the classroom cast Floyd that ‘oh boy’ look as they leave the room. Floyd looks to the teacher’s table where Professor Trein stares at him sternly. He returns the stare with a miffed look, but he approaches the professor nonetheless.

“This is the second time this week that I have caught you sleeping in my class,” Trein rebukes. “This may be your last semester in Night Raven College before you go on your internship, but that doesn’t mean that you can be negligent in my class.”

“Uh huh.”

“Don’t give me that attitude, Leech. I do not want to give any penalties so late into the semester, but if I catch you sleeping one more time, I will. Do I make myself clear, Leech?”

“Yes, sir.” 

“You may now go.” 

Floyd steps out of the classroom with the same expression as he wore when getting called out. Damn Professor Red Squid, if you don’t wanna give detention, then just don’t, he thinks to himself. Meh, oh well. I don’t feel hungry at all, should I even go to the canteen? But where do I even wanna go? Everywhere’s so noisy. 

He walks for a bit, hands in his pockets.

Ah wait. 

There’s the supplies arriving today for Mostro Lounge. 

Floyd barely notices his frown growing ever so slightly deeper, but students walking along the same path as him instinctively step aside. Nobody in their right mind would dare interrupt a disgruntled Leech twin. 

I’m not going to help out with those. Azul can suffer with those all he wants.

“Floyd! There you are!” 

Floyd stops in his tracks. He does not look at the classmate who briskly walks up to him, but he already feels the annoyance rushing to his head. 

“Floyd, we got a paper due in two days,” the classmate yells. “We just need your part, and we'll be done! When are you gonna send it in the gc?”

“Go away.”

“Hah? Don’t give me that!” The groupmate’s voice raises in anger. “We have a literal group paper to submit, and we just need your part so that we can submit it earlier!”

Floyd faces him finally, but this time, his eyes are dilated, teeth are displayed, and brows are furrowed. An all-too familiar menacing expression. “I said go away.”

“Eep!” The classmate takes a step back, expression immediately shifting to fear for his life. “O-ok ok! Just- just submit before the 11:59 deadline in two days! That’s all I needed to say, ok!”

And right after, the student runs away.

Floyd huffs. He has now made up his mind on where to go. 

Jade is wiping the sweat off of his face in the locker rooms when one of his Octavinelle classmates approaches him. “Hey, Azul’s calling for you,” he says. “He’s by the gates right now.”

“Oh?” Jade looks up in confusion. “I thought Floyd was supposed to be with him right now.”

“Well, he’s not there now,” the classmate replies while scratching his head. “They need more backup and Azul’s calling for you.” 

“Ah, I see.” He smiles. “I shall be there, then.”

The classmate leaves the locker rooms, leaving Jade all by himself. The rest of the class has already left, eager for lunch. 

Jade slows down in cleaning himself up.

Azul’s name brings back a rip that’s been tearing at his heart. It burns in the way that electricity probably burns, maybe to a lesser degree: his body stops working the way it usually does, and his chest still reels from a shock of pain. It’s not physical by any means, though by the Sea Witch, he wishes it was. It would have been so much easier to deal with. He’d be shipped to the best hospital, all bills easily paid for, and he’d be recovering well back in Octavinelle. Or if he dies, then that is that. No more pain to feel.

No, it’s a harder kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain that makes him want to tear flesh and bone with teeth and claws, the kind of hurt that urges him to destroy a ship, the kind of ache that makes him want to burn his already burning eyes. It’s the kind of pain that won’t go away even if he does all three.

Jade breathes in. Hold it. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in… breathe out…

He cannot afford to lose himself now, whether by wrath or by tears. 

He packs his bags, changes back to his uniform, and leaves the lockers. His light footsteps are overshadowed by the sounds of enthusiastic jogs to the cafeteria in the corridors. Jade takes a moment to breathe in the afternoon sunny air, letting out a bit more of his worries out of his lungs before he walks down the stairs and through Main Street. 

And soon, he finds himself nearing the tall gates of the school, where a group of students are gathered around large boxes. 

It annoys Jade that the gleam of silver hair stirs mixed emotions. On one hand, his troubles are dashed completely from seeing the very person he keeps close. On the other hand, it is the same person who’s making him go through hell.

He swiftly shifts his focus to the situation in front of him. Some of the other boxes should have been on the way to the Mostro Lounge by this time, yet there are still several of them that the other Octavinelle students have to carry. It isn’t surprising—after all, they decided to upgrade a few things, in preparation for the next dorm leader. Supplies that a simple run to Sam’s shop won’t cover, no matter how much he claims to have it all in stock. 

“Be extra careful with that. That tableware costs us quite a fortune.” Standing by the boxes with a clipboard resting on his arm, Azul watches his dorm mates as he writes notes on the clipboard. He has his dorm leader facade on, serious and stern, but even from a distance, Jade can see his slightly nervous gaze towards the supplies. 

As another pair leaves with a heavy box, Azul looks at them before his eyes fall on him. “Jade, good you made it on time.”

“Hello, Azul,” Jade greets. “I thought that Floyd was supposed to help with the supplies.”

“Well, he’s not here now,” Azul answers, frowning from annoyance. “I was wondering if you had any idea as to where he is right now.”

“I don’t. His history class should have ended 10 minutes ago.” 

“Hmph, nevermind. We need to get all of this into the lounge.” He gestures to the boxes. “All the boxes are complete, and we’ll do a final count of all the supplies once everything has been moved there.”

“I see.” Jade nods. “Will you need me to assist you?”

“No, you may enjoy your lunch break after helping us move these boxes,” Azul answers. “I’ll be making my next successor do that. It’s a part of his learning, after all.” 

“Ah. I see.” 

It annoys him to feel that same shock of hurt returning to his chest. 

A bemused look crosses Azul’s face. “Does that offend you,” he teases. “I never took you for one to be tilted by that.”

Jade blinks. “Why Azul, whatever makes you think I’d be offended over that?” He smiles, with a bit more effort than he’s used to. “You must be imagining things from how little rest you have in passing on your position to the little siren.”

“You exaggerate.” He keeps his clipboard and pen into his bag. “We need to move. Jade, carry that box over there.” He points to one of the smaller boxes, marked with the word FRAGILE, and picks up another box. 

And wordlessly, Jade follows, carrying a box that must contain brand new tea sets. New tea sets that remind him that a new dorm leader and manager of the Mostro Lounge will take over. 

That his term and Azul’s will end because they’ll move up to 4th year and go their separate ways. 

Jade resists the urge to break them. He’ll carry these then find Floyd. 

Back at home, the schools of fish would band together, staying close until Floyd swam past them, splitting their perfect formation. Together, apart. Together, apart. 

Together. Apart.

Separation was not new to Floyd at all. In an “eat or be eaten” world, fish and merfolk alike live with the thought that the people closest to them may be gone the next day. Floyd has hunted before, has fought before. He’s even the one who said goodbye to his parents when leaving for Night Raven College.

But he said goodbye with the promise of seeing them again after school is done. 

He stares down at the river that runs below the bridge. This spot is rarely ever frequented by students at lunchtime, if only because everyone else is either eating in the canteen, having meetings, or just being with friends, and the bridge is on the other path away from the Hall of Mirrors. Besides Octavinelle, it feels the closest to home on this campus: here, he can watch the current flow, and the fish that live below its clean stream. 

Home, huh? Floyd wonders if home will still feel like home once he returns from Night Raven College. 

It will be the same dark passageways and bioluminescent lights, the same faces but all grown up. Except that he isn’t a child that can pick fights with anyone and nab their scales as a prize, he is to be stuck with running the family business of making deals, expanding connections, beating up people who betray their trust. Pretty much like what he already does with Azul now. 

Except that the boss that would stand with him and Jade is not Azul at all. 

The fish in the river swim with no obstacle in their path. They may split apart to avoid the occasional rock, but they would be together again. Together, apart. Together. In the small space that they share, there is no vast ocean that opens up new paths for them to split ways. Not until they swim down the cliff and into the open sea. 

Floyd has never envied river dwellers until now. 

Jade walks behind Azul going to Mostro Lounge. It’s something of a routine that started in Night Raven College. When Azul walks, he and Floyd follow him from behind. He doesn’t remember how or when it started. Probably started to make Azul’s image look powerful: he is in the front, wearing a coat that imposes authority, and Jade and Floyd standing at the back makes him look almost impossible to touch. 

Regardless of the hows or the whys, it’s a position that has always given him comfort. From behind, Jade can watch Azul. He can see if Azul is pleased with something by the bounce in his step, or if he’s pissed by the clack of his heels. And from the front, Azul can’t read Jade since he’s always looking forward, and that lets Jade startle him with a random brutal teasing remark. 

Right now, though, he wishes to not look at Azul. 

Azul appears to be beaming, and Jade knows exactly why. He’s found the perfect successor for not only leadership of Octavinelle but also manager for his prized restaurant. He’s gotten accepted in all the places he applied for his internship. 

He’s gotten accepted already into the university that he aims to go to.

Jade vividly remembers the way Azul grinned from ear to ear when he received the email. He remembers the audible, “Yes! Yes, I got in!” that almost sounded teary-eyed. He remembers Floyd saying that they should celebrate over some drinks. He remembers smiling to the best of his abilities while saying congratulations for being accepted. 

That was two weeks ago. He’s said many fake things in his life, and he would never say sorry for them. But until now, the heartless congratulations weighs heavily in his conscience. 

It’s simple, really: Azul has been working hard all his life to achieve his dreams. And Jade was there to witness the journey, from the ideas to the headaches to the defeats to the victories. It’s a huge milestone for Azul to get to stay on land and study in a place where he feels he will thrive. So it’s unfair really, to not be able to celebrate such an achievement happily. 

And yet, Jade can’t bring himself to. 

Their relationship started as something transactional. Tweels keep his secrets, Azul lets them in his plans. Tweels support him, Azul entertains them. And if Azul fails to entertain, then they will drop him like plastic to the chute. There and done. That’s supposed to be their relationship. 

So why then does it hurt to hear that Azul got accepted? Why does it hurt to think about how in a few months, he won’t see Azul as much as the present? Why does it hurt to think about the uncertainty of when they will see each other again? 

“Jade, you can put down the box over there.”

Jade blinks. He’s at Mostro Lounge. Has he been so deep in thought that he didn’t realize when he arrived?

Schooling his expression, he puts down the box on the counter that Azul gestures to, unaware of the concerned expression on Azul’s face. 

Floyd doesn’t know when he started staring into nothingness to gaze at memories, but he’s now seeing the stone stage from middle school, where his younger self is playing drums to his brother’s bass and someone’s piano. 

He remembers, he was getting irritated with the piano melody, and at the time he couldn’t pinpoint why, except that it lacked something. Now that he thinks about it, it’s because that pianist’s playing had no life. No vigor, no passion, just technique that wouldn’t get anyone dancing. “Next,” he had said and stopped playing. The pianist was protesting. Floyd forgot what he said, just that he protested that he wasn’t done playing, but he didn’t care enough to hear about it.

“Everyone sucks, Jade,” he threw his sticks to the ground. “No one’s good enough to be part of our band. Let’s just go.” And he and Jade—who was bigger than him at the time—left the small auditorium of their school. And it’s a blur, Floyd doesn’t remember why he and Jade didn’t go home right away, but he remembers very well the syncopated melodies coming from the piano they forgot to close. 

And he remembers the gasp he made, the way his heart was stirred from how alive the music sounded. 

And he remembers how quickly he swam back inside to see who’s playing, and his wide-eyed gaze when he spotted the familiar octopus.

“Hey hey, that was so cool,” he said to the flustered Azul. “Play some more, play some more!” 

“Huh? No way, I have to go soon!”

But he didn’t let him go. He insisted he play the piano as he picked up his sticks and played a beat. “Come on, just one song! Then you can go!”

And he started his beat. And when it was just him for a long moment, Floyd had wondered if Azul left. But the sound of an E minor reached his ears, and the next moment, Azul’s playing was matching to the beat of the drums. And his music had heart. It had spirit, it had technique, it had passion. 

And the best part? Azul matched his rhythm when nobody else did. 

“I knew I’d find you here, Floyd.”

Eyes turning away from his reflection in the water, Floyd looks up to the face that he’s known since birth. Jade, impeccably presentable despite having PE class earlier, walks towards Floyd, leaning on the railing of the bridge he stands on. But he does not go near him. 

“What do you want,” Floyd asks. 

“We had a new batch of supplies arrive at the Lounge today,” Jade answers. “You were supposed to help out with the unpacking.”

He only answers with a curt hum before turning back to the water below. 

He hears a sigh. And footsteps approaching.

“You’re thinking about last last week, aren’t you?”

Floyd turns again to Jade. He’s by the bridge railing now, same side as him, but he continues to keep a respectable distance. Jade doesn’t look at him directly either, his gaze directed at the horizon ahead of them. 

He’s thinking about it too.

“Yeah, you could say that,” he answers. “It’s just, really ass, y’know?”

Floyd believes that in spite of their identical genetics, they are two people with different identities, dreams, and beliefs. And don’t get him wrong, it is a lot better that way to have individuality. But deep down, there is a comfort knowing that Jade probably feels the same feeling that leaves Floyd dizzy with frustration, that binds his chest with a mix of anger and sadness. And Sea Witch knows, Floyd needs that comfort now. 

“‘Ass’, you say,” Jade repeats. “Tell me about it.” 

A beat of silence passes between them. 

“It’s just that. It takes half a fish brain to know that Azul’s got grand plans after graduation. Get into the best business school, build his own corporation, build another company, and a third company. And I’ve known this for Sea Witch knows how long, and it was all fine, I didn’t care that much, but then…”

“...But then the letter came in.” Jade fills in. 

“Yeah,” Floyd emphatically answers. “That damned acceptance letter from whosit business university came in. Like, I don’t know why, but it just made everything feel… real. That Azul’s really gonna go somewhere else. And I hate that it’s been hitting me like this for the last two weeks. I can’t focus well, I’m pissed off, Trein’s told me off about sleeping. It’s so ass.”

The silent air between the twins weighs heavier. Floyd’s eyes briefly look at the fish in the river again—the damned fish that he wants to throw a rock at so they separate too—before he turns to Jade. “How ‘bout you? Was it also the letter?”

Jade doesn’t answer right away. Floyd understands; in moments like these, Jade hesitates to speak his mind, even to him. It’s part of their nature to be cowardly, after all, just that Jade exhibits it more between the two of them. 

“... Somehow, yes, but if I were to think about it… it’s actually been a while now,” he finally answers.

“Eh? Really?”

“I knew down the line that there would be farewells to be made,” Jade says. “Like you said, Azul has already made plans for himself, and he invests in those plans, years in advance. But there’s always that part of me that wonders… if there’s space for us in those plans.” 

Floyd finds himself inhaling sharply at those words. 

“I see his goals coming to fruition, and it pains me to say that I can’t even properly support him. The letter, the new supplies, the little siren he’s going to appoint… they’re all reminders that it will all change.” Jade smiles, but in pain. “Azul won’t be the dorm leader, I won’t be the vice leader, and we won’t do the things we used to do. And we won’t see each other until perhaps the next VDC. And when we graduate… would he call an end to our agreements? Would we grow so busy that we become strangers again? We would always say that our relationship is merely transactional and that we would leave him if we get bored, but…”

Jade stops, and the air weighs even heavier. Floyd feels taken back to the first day on land, when breathing with lungs felt heavy and difficult. 

Suddenly, Jade laughs. “What clownfish have we become?”

Floyd too joins his twin in mirth. “Can’t help it, Azul makes me feel understood.”

He raises a brow. “Is it gonna be about the first time you played together with him?”

“I mean, it’s how it started,” he answers. He doesn’t realize the small smile that settles on his face as he remembers once more. “Like, back then, everyone just kinda avoided, y’know? And that’s fine, at least, I thought it was. ‘Twas fun and all to be intimidating. But no matter what I’d do, Azul always matches me. He knows exactly what to play to my rhythm. And even in how we work, he knows what’s the stuff I’d like to do or the stuff I’d do well in. It just feels nice.”

It feels too nice. 

Too nice that if it disappears, it will leave his heart bound tightly by melancholy. 

“…Hey, I can’t be the only sappy one here.” Floyd eyes Jade. “C’mon Jade, share too what’s made you appreciate Azul.”

“I already shared a lot earlier,” Jade says defensively.

“Heyyy, be fair at least. I know you have your own thing.”

“What else is there to say? You already said everything.”

“Liar. I know how you started reading your books more after meeting him.” 

“So? Those were lessons that we had to learn as well.”

“Uh huh sure. Then explain why you’ve only gotten better in everything you do after meeting Azul.”

Jade glares at him. 

Floyd grins in response. “Gotcha.”

A beat of silence, then Jade sighs. “If he makes you feel understood, then he makes me feel capable.”

“How so?”

“One reason.” He puts up one free hand, with one finger up. “He’s demanding.”

Floyd chuckles. “That’s an understatement.”

“You’re right.” Jade grins, teeth flashing. “He’s exigent. Making us run around the school to do 5 things at once, on top of schoolwork. Even before NRC, he was just like that. I assumed he was insane. Until now, I still think he’s insane.”

“You say that, but you don’t look like you’re complaining at all.”

“Because thanks to that, I wasn’t pretending to be good at something anymore.” His next smile is closed. Softer. “I went from barely comprehending a textbook and barely lifting a seashell with my magic to understanding contract language and unlocking my unique ability. He made me do things, and I planned to just make someone else do it and pretend it was me.” 

“Ohhh.” Floyd’s eyes widened with remembrance. “And then he caught you.”

“Yes.” Jade shakes his head at the thought. “And I was expecting him to laugh at me, but he didn’t. All he did was sigh and teach me. Magic, studies, law, something about the way he taught those things clicked something in me. And even the things that he didn’t teach but always talked about, like culinary and how people behave, I was able to absorb things and got better. Dare I say,” a smirk forms on his face, “I’m better than Azul in some things.”

“Like flight class.” Floyd grins.

“Like flight class,” Jade repeats smugly. 

And they stop talking. Jade turns his gaze to the distant horizon, looking at something farther than the blue of the sky. Meanwhile, Floyd glances back at the river. He understands that Jade is done talking personal. But it’s fine for him. He can almost hear the unspoken thoughts. Once Azul leaves, who’s going to be the pianist in their little band that makes their every day exciting? Once Azul leaves, who’s going to tell them that they can do it? 

Once Azul leaves, who’s going to understand them?

“So this is where you two are.”

Simultaneously, Floyd and Jade whip their heads around. Floyd swears his heart almost leapt to his chest when he saw those familiar blue eyes. 

One hand in his pocket, Azul stands on the threshold of the bridge. He and Jade fully turn around as he walks towards them until he’s directly in front of both of them. 

“Hello, Azul,” Jade greets, like the conversation a while ago never happened. “How was teaching your next successor what he has to do?”

“Went well,” he answers. “His prior experiences already reassure me, but he’s also demonstrated that he knows what he’s doing. Currently, he and our other dorm mates are taking care of the supplies.”

“Weird that you’re not being so strict, considering how much you value your restaurant,” Floyd comments. “You’re not even gonna be there to make sure nothing’s going wrong?”

“I trust that things are going well with my new successor in charge. I’ve taught him very well enough,” Azul says. “But more importantly… I have matters to discuss with the both of you.”

He turns his head to look at Jade. “Jade, you’ve been out of focus lately. Just a while ago, when you were bringing the box of teacups to the lounge, you were so deep in thought, you didn’t look like you were aware of where you were going. And even during work hours, you haven’t been as sharp as you usually are. A few professors have commented on your slouched posture as well.”

Jade’s eyes widen in surprise. 

“And Floyd.” Azul turns to look at Floyd. “Professors have reported to me that you’ve either been asleep during lectures or interrupting class with an outburst. You’ve also been moodier than usual, and it shows in your cooking and your behavior. I’ve heard a few students rant about you in group projects.”

Floyd briefly remembers the group mate that approached him earlier. 

“So what are you getting at exactly, Azul,” Jade asks. “Even we have our off days as well.”

Azul casts him a pointed look. “Off days for two weeks straight.” 

He receives no quip in reply. 

He crosses his arms. “Jade, Floyd.” His neutral serious tone changes. It quivers slightly. He’s worried. “I know you two well enough that there’s something going on. Is there something that happened?”

Floyd looks away. Jade does as well.

Floyd hates the concern in his tone. It makes him want to break. It makes him want to be upfront about his feelings and how it’s been bothering him. 

But how can someone like him really tell someone like Azul that you’re afraid to lose him somehow? How can he retract all the times he said that their relationship is all transaction and no emotional connection? How do you even start bearing something so vulnerable? 

They must be the same questions that Jade is grappling with now. Jade, who’s usually good at worming his way out of any conversation, has nothing to say to leave this topic. 

Azul sighs, breaking the long silence. “Is this something that has to do with me?”

The twins stiffen. 

Floyd can feel Azul’s gaze towards him. 

A tense moment passes. 

“... I had a feeling.”

He finally looks at him but in confusion. Jade is also facing him with wide eyes. 

Azul exhales through his nose. “You don’t have to tell me anything about what you’re feeling right now. If at all.” He turns around, preparing to leave. His head is bowed down, not letting either twin see his expression. “But I just want to let you know, I’m always here if you need me. Not just for this, but for anything, even if in the future.”

Floyd’s breath hitches.

“Do you… really mean that?” Jade asks, almost meekly.

Azul looks at Jade in puzzlement. “Why wouldn’t I? You two have been with me for all these years, even in my weakest hours. It’s not like I’m going to leave you even after we graduate.”

“Really,” Floyd asks. “Even when you get really busy with university and we’re running our family business?”

“Well, I won’t deny that we will be busy,” he answers. “But I’m not letting go of you two just because of that. You know me too well, after all. And you’ve supported me all these years, it would be embarrassing to leave that unpaid.”

“You mean that?”

“Have I ever broken a promise? If you want, I can even put that on a contract and have you sign it.”

In one single breath, the binding sadness and worry that tightened Floyd’s chest leaves. 

Without thinking, he moves towards Azul and wraps his arms around his slim frame. He ignores the surprised gasp as he buries his face on his shoulder. His breathing feels lighter than it has ever been the past two weeks. 

He feels Jade joining in, hugging Azul from the other side and burying his face on the other shoulder. His breathing sounds even to any person, but to Floyd, he can hear a slight quiver, like Jade is trying to hold back tears. 

“Is… is this what it’s been all about, all this time,” Azul finally asks. His hands move to pat their heads, a motion that always comforted the twins. “You two are strange for worrying about this type of thing.” 

Despite his words, Floyd can hear the smile in Azul’s voice.

[evertidings]

— MARCH 2025.

Accomplishments.

What a month, huh? I glanced back at my update for February and wow, I really did not accomplish much in that month. In all fairness, I had a lot going on, but hey! That means my March update in comparison looks really good lol.

We’re already a third of the way through April by the time I’m writing this, so I’m a little late (when am I not, really?) but because of that, I can confidently say that the writing portion of Chapter 12 is nearly done! I was powering through it for most of March and now I’m slowly pushing through to the end; it’ll probably be done sometime this week, if everything goes well. After that comes editing, which is always the most frustrating part of doing this for me.

Because I’ve been working on this for so long, some of the chapter was written as early as October 2024, which, when you have my short-term memory, can be pretty bad. It’s kind of amusing when I stumble upon information that I already wrote at the beginning of the chapter, repeated again at the end because I forgot I mentioned it. That usually means more work for me though, since I have to cut it out and fill the empty space leftover, so you can imagine that I’m not very excited to start proofreading.

But, onto happier things. In terms of chapter content, I think this is the most RO-centric chapter I’ve ever written. I might have gone overboard, but there are three separate scenes with the RO of your choice. Some scenes are shorter than others, of course, but I’ve never fit so many in a chapter—it’s kind of exciting. It also makes sense since the romance lock is very soon (I may or may not have a chapter planned for it and am just keeping my lips locked), so I want you to have as much time possible with your potential choices. All of them are unique in their own way, though admittedly similar. Even so, I feel like they all make sense considering the content of the chapter and honestly, I doubt any of you will complain haha. They’re nice to have.

It’s a nice reprieve to the heaviness that Eliana brings to the chapter. I know she’s my character, but she’s honestly taken on a mind of her own and evolved so much throughout the writing process. My goal was to make her difficult to understand and, well, it seems like I successfully accomplished that. Aside from Sebastian, she’s probably been my favourite figurehead-like character to write. Her intrigue makes her so interesting, especially since she doesn’t like showing all her cards from the beginning. It’ll be a while until you’re able to put a finger on her character.

But, you’ll find that out soon! I know I said I wanted to put Chapter 12 out this month, and I could if I worked myself to the bone, but I think pushing it to Early May (first week or so) is best. In the past, I’ve given myself very little time to edit and code the chapter once it’s written out and it’s stressed me out a lot. For something that is supposed to be a hobby, I’m very harsh on myself with deadlines and I don’t think it’s fair for me to lose sleep over this, so, hopefully, you all understand. I’ll keep you all updated if I do manage to push the date up though and, of course, there’ll be an announcement once a date is official.

With that said, I hope you’re all taking care of yourselves and have a wonderful April!

Stats.

Chapter Total: 55,738 words (+14,113)

Game Total: ~567,170

[last-words-ofashootingstar]

Will we get to see any NSFW stuff with Mommy!Hwa?🥺

I totally understand if not but I just know he would go feral while pleasing his Baby😩

➯a/n: yes. yes. YES. OH MY GAWD YEA LFHSKQ I ABOUT COMBUSTED WHEN I SAW SOMEONE ASKED FOR THIS 😭i was so excited that i kept losing my train of thought and had to rant about how mommy hwa is in bed to calm down bahaha

Mess

Baby Series !

❥Yandere Park Seonghwa x fem reader

♡'･ᴗ･'♡genre: yandere, smut

✫彡wordcount: 4.5k

♫ "It feels good, girl, it feels good to be alone with you." Hozier, To Be Alone♫

♫Baby Playlist♫

ಠ_ಠwarning/content: not proof read, ddlg themes (NO age regression), dubcon (because of stockholm syndrome), hwa is a PERVERT, messy and rough sex, cunnilingus, fingering, spit, squirting, overstim, extreme dacryphilia, creampie, big dick hwa, reassurance, unbelievable amount of praise and pet names, embarrassment, accidental piss kink discovery (LMAO DONT LOOK AT MEEEE)

♡ateez masterlist !♡

➯disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and does NOT represent a healthy relationship of any kind. ➯disclaimer2: as i've said before it is VERY important to always keep age regression and age play SEPARATE, and ive also said that seonghwa never touches baby while she's in little space MANY times. baby is not "baby mode" when they are being intimate, and i will never write that. baby is ALWAYS going to be in "adult space" (kkkk i can't think of a better word) when sexual things are happening, even if she acts cutesy and stuff

MINORS DO NOT TOUCH MY BLOG

❝you're my baby, say it to me❞ ✧ ೃ༄ ｡

"Here you go," Seonghwa whispers as he tosses your shirt to a far off corner of the room; completely forgotten about as he slowly slides his hands up your sides, "let me see my girl."

"Don't be a tease, Mommy," you pant softly, already worked up beyond belief as your eyes flick up and down his naked torso.

You had joined him in going a few hours away from home for a photo shoot — of course you did, it's not like he would ever leave you behind. You watched with his manager, which was probably a mistake considering how hot and bothered it made you. You hadn't felt like slipping into your little space all day long, probably because you were so busy gawking at your 'boyfriend'.

Because it was so far away, there was a hotel room waiting for you when he was done. And he wasn't blind, he saw the way you were looking at him. He knows you like he knows the back of his hand — even better, actually.

So this room is going to get a lot more use than originally expected.

"But you're so cute when you're flustered," he smirks, cupping your chest gently as he leans down and pecks your lips. "Does my pretty baby want to play?"

You nod quickly, fisting the blanket with anticipation bubbling up. Remember your manners, "oh- oh, yes! Yes, please, I want to..."

    You hadn't been intimate together since you had a tantrum and yelled at him, almost a month ago now. That probably partly why you were so needy — if he isn't the one making you cum, it's not happening at all.

He doesn't need more convincing than that. He straddles your hips and cups your face like he doesn't have a second to waste, his kiss is different than it usually is. It's hungry and passionate and soul consuming.

He can't help himself. He doesn't have any restraint when it comes to pleasing you. Anything you want, save for your freedom, is yours the second he can do something about it.

And he won't admit it out loud, but he's just as needy as you are.

His inconvenient hard-ons have been more frequent and frustrating. He's lucky you haven't noticed the way his eyes have been lingering when he helps you change. He's sexually frustrated, sure — but he keeps to his promise and he almost always waits for you to come to him.

No matter how badly he wants you, he wants you to want him more. He needs you to.

     He starts peppering kisses along your skin; traveling lower and giving attention to your chest. As your fingers tangle up in his hair, he's moaning like he's the one having their body worshipped. He steadies himself by grabbing your waist, fingers digging in.

A broken moan bubbles up your throat as he wraps his lips around your nipple, "a-ah! Mommy, I need more..."

Oh, he might explode here and now. You call him that every single day — but not like this. Not with your voice filled with lust. Begging him to touch you.

     That little tremble in the way you call his name is reserved for times like this.

    He takes in a deep breath before he speaks, "tell Mommy what you need." He leans back over your face, hovering with stars in his eyes. Any hint of tiredness from the day is gone. Only passion remains.

"I...w-" Even when you're not in little space, you're so light headed around him. He just has that effect on you, especially after so long.

"C'mon, Baby," he coaxes you gently, giving a single roll of his hips that leaves your jaw dropped with the flood of dopamine that it gives you. "You know I won't judge you, tell me how to make you feel good."

"Please," you look away shyly, like you aren't about to ask something so vulgar. "I need you to make me cum..."

The quickness with which he yanks off your skirt and panties makes you yelp in surprise, but the sound is quickly cut off by a lewd moan as he slips down and gives a slow lick up your slit. All in one fluid movement: he's rid you of the fabric, slid down the bed, and got you on his tongue.

You slap your hand over your mouth as he spreads your thighs, your eyes nearly rolling back at the feeling of his pointed tongue. As he draws a slow circle around your clit, you nearly cum then and there. You've forgotten how skilled he is.

"God, I've missed you," his mumbles are lost on you because next thing you know; he's eating you out like a man starved. Flicking and swirling and lapping and sucking. If your mind could form any semblance of a thought, you might wonder how in the world he's doing all those things at once. And the answer is simple. He was born to please you. At least, that's what he claims.

Your other hand is wrapped in his hair like a lifeline, and the slight stinging with each movement of his head doesn't stop him from licking your clit like a mad man — it only stirs him on.

He's messy as always, slobbering all over your heat without a care in the world.

    He gives one last rough suck before he pulls back a bit, panting as he looks up at you. "Baby-ya," he calls as he slides a hand down your thigh and towards your heat. He locks eyes with you as he purses his lips and lets his spit dribble down onto you.

    "Mommy-ya," you moan back, grinding up into his hand as it brushes against your epicenter. His middle finger slips in, drawing out a loud "oh~!" from you before you can stop it.

He's never practiced so much self restraint in his life. Even just feeling your hot walls around his finger has him twitching. If he wasn't so dedicated to pleasing you first and foremost, he'd already be buried inside of you. But, his Baby comes first.

"That's a good girl," his praise makes you clench around his digit, your head tossing to the side. It feels like it's been so long. Even just his finger feels like it's hitting all of the wonderful spots inside of you as he slowly starts thrusting it. You can barely imagine what it will feel like when he's inside you again —

"Mommy, please," you groan, swirling your hips until he rests his forearm across your pelvis and holds you down to continue his devilishly slow teasing. "More!"

"I know, Baby, you want me to fuck you so bad, huh?" He nips your thigh as he adds another finger. "Mommy has to stretch you out first~"

"Hurryyyy," you pout as you try to arch your back, trying to suck his fingers in deeper, "I need you."

You don't have to tell him twice, that is for sure. The soft way you cry for him to hurry and fuck you has his brain turning into a feral mush.

You let out your loudest moan yet as his fingers, previously going at a leisurely pace, are now diving in and out of you with near reckless abandon. You can't move your hips, still held down by his arm and forced to take the onslaught of pleasure.

You slam both of your hands over your mouth as you slump back.

He doesn't like that one bit. He reaches up and yanks your hands away; and all while still curling his deliciously long fingers, he speaks, "let me hear you. Be as loud as you want, Baby. We can be as loud as we want, you don't have to be shy."

"Ah, I f-forgot," you whine, your eyebrows pressing together as his fingertips graze against something inside of you that makes you gush around his fingers with more messy arousal.

"It's okay, angel," he laces his fingers with yours, squeezing your hand as he pushes a third finger inside of you. "You can scream. Let Mommy hear how good you feel."

The stretch and the angle and his voice — "don't stop!"

He wouldn't dare. He's watching every twitch of your brow and every jolt your body makes as he searches for something inside of you. When your jaw drops and your eyes roll back, he knows he's found it. He's on a mission. He needs to make you squirt. He needs to make a mess of you.

"Ohhh," he coos deeply, "right there, Baby?"

"R-right there, Mommy!" You don't care about your volume anymore. His reassurance and the way he's practically assaulting your g-spot while holding your hand makes it impossible to care about anything.

"Riiiiight there~" He smirks as you roll your hips clumsily to push his digits deeper; even when his palm is already hitting your clit with every thrust of his fingers. "That's it, pretty girl," he leans over you and drives his fingers in at a whole new angle; pressing harder against the spot that's making you dizzy, "give me a kiss."

Shakily, and quickly, you toss your arm over his neck and yank him down. Your lips on his like you need him more than you need air: and he returns the passion ten fold, he always will.

Your moans are swallowed up by him as he sends you closer to the edge. Closer and closer and closer and straight over. Your release splashes against his lower stomach, the warmth of it makes him send moans right back to you. Your hand is still held tightly in his and he's starting to lose color in his fingers from how tightly you squeeze them.

He lays on top of you to stop your convulsing, a dark satisfaction settling in his bones as you whimper; forced to take the overstimulation as he curls his fingers. It fills the room with lewd squelches that make his neglected member twitch.

A string of saliva keeps you connected as he finally moves away from your lips. He watches it closely as it snaps, falling onto your chin. And you don't even notice it as you have your eyes closed, panting, in the throes of bliss.

He leans and licks it up softly while he slowly withdraws his fingers, making you whine and chase after them with your hips. "Shhh, none of that, Baby." He hums as he rubs down your arm gently, "you ready for me now?"

"Oh, yes," you nod quickly, you almost forgot that's where this was leading. Now, you're ecstatic at the promise of him being even deeper inside of you, "please, Mommy."

God, if you keep saying it like that he won't be able to hold himself back. He knows he'll end up being rough with you — both of you do. But he likes to take it slow at first so he doesn't hurt you.

    He bites his lip, quickly pressing his forehead to your shoulder so that you won't see the wild look in his eyes. The look that says he's about to lose control.

"So polite," he pants softly, smiling down at you after he forces himself to calm down. "I'll give my angel what she wants~"

     His pants are gone in a second flat, and he's pulling you further down the bed by your thighs until your hips hang on the edge. "Hold your legs for me, Baby," he hums as he pushes your knees together.

While you're wrapping your arms under your knees and hugging them tightly to prepare yourself, effectively exposing yourself to him — he's gathering up the wetness from his skin and lathering himself with it, jerking off slowly to the sight of you.

All worked up and gushing for him; giving him a nice, unobstructed view as you hold your legs as close to your chest as you can. Your eyes a bit fuzzy as you watch him eagerly. Your socked feet fidgeting in the air, white frills catching his eyes. Your breathing still uneven from your first peak of the night.

The first of what will be many, because Seonghwa is an overachiever when it comes to you.

He kisses your leg gently, smiling innocently as he bends down and lines himself with your weeping hole. "My good girl," he mutters softly, "that's what you are. My perfect little angel."

The praise goes straight to your cunt, fluttering around nothing before his tip is suddenly entering you with an almost audible pop. Your eyes slam shut, a gasp caught in your throat. Three fingers and a squirting orgasm suddenly didn't seem like enough prep for Seonghwa's impressive girth.

"Fuck," he groans, hands planted on the back of your thighs to ground himself; digging his fingers into your plush flesh. He leans his head against the side of your legs, gazing down at you with nothing but love and lust. "You gotta relax, Baby-"

"You're too big," you shake your head, eyes still squeezed shut.

He bites his lip in a combination of effort to conceal his chuckle and to hold himself back. He takes a breath, rubbing the back of your thighs softly as you continue to clench around his bulbous tip — it feels like you're already trying to milk him for all his worth. The warmth of your gummy walls is trying to enchant him, trying to make him sink deeper, faster. He needs to bury his whole shaft in you or he's going to lose what's left of his mind.

"Have some faith in yourself, baby-doll," his nickname makes you twitch around him. He did that on purpose, no doubt about it. "You've taken it before, right? Mhm~" He nods with you, reaching to trace your heated cheek with his knuckles as you peek your eyes open. "You can take it, can't you~?"

It's not a question, even if it's formatted as one, rolling off his tongue with a soft inquisitive tone.

It's a reassurance and a statement. You can and you will take it, just like you have so many times before. "Yes, Mommy-"

You should have chosen your words more carefully, because the second 'Mommy' leaves your lips — all whiny and sweet — he's sinking into you.

"Ah-" He almost whines, "that's it, my star~ Let Mommy fill you up."

No matter how much you relax, no matter how pliable you make yourself; he's still having to make his own path through your gooey channel. He's still carving you to the shape of his cock to fit like a custom sleeve. And it feels too fucking good — "Please!" You yelp, nails digging into your legs as you continue to hug them as tightly as possible, "please, I want you to take me already!"

You can't take another second of his slow march forward — but that's too bad, Baby.

He likes to take his sweet, sweet time to really feel your searing cavity as it encases him. "Shhh, Baby, don't you worry," he places another kiss on your leg, smirking as you quiver around him, "you know I'll give you what you want, right?"

He leans over further, crushing your thighs all the way against your chest and making your legs rest over one of his shoulders. "Right, Baby?" He moans as he finally, finally bottoms out.

"Y-yes," you pout up at him beggingly, your entire being set ablaze as he settles inside of you.

For someone built so slim, his cock is thicker than you feel it should be — but you are not complaining as he stretches you from the inside out so nicely.

"What did you say you wanted, hm?" He teases you playfully, withdrawing just an inch before sliding back in.

It's maddening, he does it again; the tiniest bit further this time. "T-aaah!" You kick your feet lightly when one of his hands snakes between you and begins rubbing your clit. "Take me! Go faster, please! Please, plea- oh my good g-aaaah!!" You wail unabashedly as he starts slamming his hips into you: rough, fast, and calculated all while toying with your bundle of nerves.

      "Of course, My Baby~"

His words are so sweet while he absolutely ruins you for anyone other than himself. Not even you could make your body fill with the pleasure that you're feeling as he rubs his thumb across your cheek affectionately while drilling into you. "Look at my gorgeous doll, taking me so well."

All you can respond with is a slurred 'mhmmfff', your brain already sufficiently scrambled and overheated from his inhuman pace with his in-and-out, in-and-out; the pad of his finger never leaving your buzzing clit.

"Aww, it feels good?"

You nod quickly, leaning into his cupped hand while you gulp down the build up of saliva in your mouth. His eyes are trained on you like a hawk, every single twitch in your face committed to memory.

"Yeah, it does~" He grins devilishly while giving you a particularly rough slam when he catches your lips parting — making a loud and lewd yip-like moan tumble out. 

    "Mommy, c-" You choke on your words, arms trembling as you clutch your legs as a lifeline.

    "Cumming~?" He hums, pressing his fingers harder to your clit and making you squeal. "Go ahead, Baby, make a mess on Mommy's cock," he licks up your neck and the warm feeling of it passing your jugular makes the burning ball of arousal in your gut spread through your entire body.

    Once again, he's holding you down with the weight of his body as you tremble, your jaw dropped in a soundless scream while you release with a wave of cream onto his member; a milky white ring forming around his base while he fucks you through it.

     You let your legs go with a whine, letting him gently maneuver them and lay you on your side while he whispers soft praises that barely reach your muddled mind. "N'break..." You slur out through your breaths, melting under his soft touch on your legs.

     "A break?" He smiles while rubbing up and down your legs. His cock, still lodged deep inside of you, is throbbing — basically yelling at him not to give you what you ask for. "Just a little one, starlight." Because he isn't done wrecking you yet.

     "Thank goodness." Your little sigh makes him chuckle as he forces himself to pull out; doing so slowwwwly to make your sensitive walls tremble and beg him to stay.  "...fuck."

    The only time you ever dare curse infront of him is when you're like this. And the sound of the filthy words on your precious lips almost makes him take back his promise of a break.

     He leans back and stands fully, his heart pounding in his chest even harder as he gets a good look at you.

    In nothing but your cute little socks, you're already in a sheen of sweat from the violent thrumming of your own heart after two intense orgasms. There's already two wet spots on the hotel bed, the source between your legs glimmering in the dim lamp light. Your poor pussy lips are already a bit swollen from his stretching and pounding, your legs twitching every so often in the aftershocks of pleasure.

     He needs to make a much bigger mess of you before he's satisfied. Some deep, dirty part of his brain demands it. He has to make a mess of you, he just has to — and you've barely cried! That will not do. He needs to ruin you completely and place you back together with his saccharine words. He needs to. 

  He maneuvers you like a doll, smirking to himself at the trust you have in him to let him move you into whatever position he sees fit.

     He kisses your shoulder softly as he lays you on your stomach, crawling over you. "Are you ready for more, Baby?"

    "Mhm," you nod, having caught as much as your breath as you could.

   "Close your legs for me."

    You look back at him with a questioning gaze, "close them? Isn't it the opposite, Mommy?"

    "Not today, Baby," he grins as he soothes your messy hair, "you want me to show you what I'm thinking?"

    You hesitate for a second before you nod, turning back to face the blanket shyly as he locks his eyes on yours while sliding back inside of you. He breathes a laugh, straddling you from behind and already stretching you to the limit when —

    He starts pushing your legs together with his own, making you clamp down on him.

     "Oh my g-good fuck!"

      "Tight, isn't it~?"

    You nod quickly, shivering as he puts almost his full weight on you — and, by extension, on his cock inside of you. By the time he's got your legs fully pressed together, it feels like he's filled you up so much that he's in your guts. And when he starts thrusting? You have no brains left in your head.

    "Ahh, yes!"

    Your yell stirs him on, making his pace pick up almost immediately and he's back to pounding you like you owe him money; no mercy at all for his precious Baby. The slap of his skin on yours echoing and making his stomach flutter. The way you can't even hold back a single noise, every hit of his pelvis to your hips making a small yelp or moan tremble out of your lips. This is his new favorite position. His only complaint is that he can't see the cute little faces you have to be making right now.

    You certainly don't have any complaints. He feels like a fucking giant as he pounds the life out of you but his arms are gentle as he wraps them around your shoulders — all of his weight on you besides what he uses to slam into you. A shattered gasp leaves you as you feel his cock prod you so rough and deep that it presses into the mattress through you.

    He feels it too, and heaven help you; because now he's never changing his angle. Groaning and praising right in your ear as he continues to relentlessly fuck you into the mattress — quite literally. "Oh, My Baby," he moans deeply, "Mommy is fucking you so deep~ And you're taking it like such a good girl. F-fuck..."

   He's pressing every spot inside of you that there is. Even one that you've never felt before — no, that's not right. You have felt that pressure before. But not when you're having sex.

     He's fucking you so deep that he's putting pressure on your bladder.

    You gasp loudly, clenching around him, "Mommy! Wa-" Clenching was a mistake. Usually, it helps you hold it. Not this time. It pulls him closer. You grab at the blanket, fisting it tightly. Fuck, this is embarrassing. Well, you'd rather just say it so he can stop and you can relieve yourself.

     "Mommy, st-op! M'gonna pee myself!"

     Only... Seonghwa doesn't stop.

     His hips stutter for a moment as he takes in your words — then he's plunging into you impossibly rougher. Like he wants you to. Because he does.

     He knows that makes his an unbelievably perverted person; wanting you to piss on his cock. But he can't help it. He couldn't stop right now even if he had to.

     He can't put it into coherent thoughts right now, only thinking 'harder, fuck her stupid, make her cry, harder, make her pee, make her break...' But when he eventually can organize his thoughts; he'll realize why he couldn't even speak because he was so focused on fucking the literal piss out of you.

     Why? He is the only one on the entire planet that can fuck you so good that you lose control of your bladder. He is the only one to see you so vulnerable. He gets to be filthy with you.

    "Mommy!! P-please! I have t'go!"

    Bless your heart. You still think he might let you get up and go to the bathroom to relieve your abused bladder.

    He wraps his arms around your shoulders tighter, panting and growling like a damn animal in your ear. He's never sounded so dangerous, so feral. He's not even acknowledging your words with any of his own. Only digging his fingers into you and holding your legs shut with his as you try to spread them and get a bit of pressure taken off.

    "Please! P- uh!!" You're crying fast, fat tears now, and Seonghwa can hear them in your voice. Not just because of your embarrassing predicament, but because it feels like pure ecstasy in your very being despite it. "Mm, fuck!" You whine loudly, still feeling his tip press against the bed through you every time he bottoms out. "M-mommy, se-riously! M'gonna pee!"

     "So do it." His words make you wail, shaking your head as vigorously as possible and instinctively clenching again even though it does nothing to help your situation. He presses somehow deeper as he leans his head up and looks over your shoulder at you.

    His cock throbs inside of you, making you gasp, as he watches the tears flow down your heated face. Now he's getting somewhere.

     "It's okay, Baby-ya," he hums, his chest vibrating against your back as he crushes you to the bed, "do it. For- for me."

    "Tha-that's dirty!" You hiccup, kicking your legs until he places his over them.

    "You're already l-leaking everywhere, angel~ You're already creaming all over me. Do it."

   "Nmf-" You bite your lip roughly, a defeated squeak in your throat as a spurt comes out with his thrust. You try to hold the rest in. You really try. Despite his encouragement, you're still mortified.

    His next few thrusts earn him the same thing, a lewd splash against the bed. It's so fucking warm. He's digging his nails into you by the time you finally stop holding it back.

      The relief is almost as good as the orgasm that slams into you like a tsunami.

     You're a complete mess below him. Sobbing, kicking your feet, gripping the blanket so tightly your hands are shaking — all of you is shaking. Trembling like leaf in the wind as relief and pleasure overwhelm your humiliation and creates a feeling you've never dealt with before.

And Seonghwa isn't far behind you. He thinks his body must know not to make him cum while he's watching the absolute work of art he's made of you, not until you finally slump below him. Then, though — he's slamming one last time until your soaking cunt and staying as deep as humanly possible while he cums, holding you so tightly that you might have heard something pop if not for your absolute fried brain and his guttural moan drowning it out.

Yeah. This is his favorite position now, for sure.

❝MESS❞ ✧ ೃ༄ ｡

[tainbocuailnge]

I think there is a difference between the comic as a sequence of images with text and the comic as a comic. it's a subtle difference that an untrained eye might not see but the more one as artist draws comics the clearer this difference becomes, because one who first aspires to draw comics will soon find they are merely drawing sequences of images with text.

when people say an artist is clearly inspired by anime they often use "anime" to refer to japanese pop culture in general, but if you look more closely you can often tell it really is specifically anime rather than manga that inspired them, because the paneling and camera angles in their comics will read like a series of anime screenshots rather than a manga page. similarly, when I was a teenager really popular manga that had anime adaptions would sometimes get "animanga" reprints where they replaced the panels with the equivalent anime screenshots of the scene, and they often looked like dogshit because the very premise showed blatant disregard for why the original comic worked in the first place. these two examples are both about anime because i am a weeb but it applies outside that context too. a cartoon storyboard can be read as if it were a comic, but what it really is is a sequence of images with text that has yet to be refined into its actual intended format.

there are many artists who only employ the medium of comic because what they actually want to draw is a video, or a video game cutscene, but the only tool actually at their disposal is the ability to draw a series of images and add text to them so that is what they use. there is no shame or mistake in doing this, you have to make your art with the tools that you have available, and if the sequence of images with text is enough to convey the idea then it was the right tool for the job. but these are different mediums with different visual languages, languages which have a lot of overlap and can occasionally be used in each other's stead to achieve similar results (especially when drawing a fanart comic of a video game for example), but which are still ultimately different. the comic and the video and the cutscene are all different forms that a sequence of images with text can take but they are far from completely interchangeable.

there is a key difference in approach to the comic as a series of images roughly interchangeable with other forms of series of images like the video and the cutscene, and the comic as specifically the comic. this difference in approach is not always necessary to achieve results, an artist who wants to convey a scenario they came up with needs only the sequence of images with text to achieve this. but the difference between a comic with good writing and art, and a comic that is a good comic, is in whether it was treated as a comic rather than a sequence of images with text. I say this as an artist whose nearly every comic has been simply a sequence of images, because I just don't have the patience to refine it into a comic when I merely want to convey my idea rather than draw a comic. it takes a particular skill and insight that have to be developed and practised separately from the ability to draw well and the ability to write well in order to become good at making "the comic" as synthesis of the two.

it's hard to specifically point out the essence of this difference between the sequence of images and the comic because it's kind of a vibes thing honestly, and it depends on where and how the comic was meant to be published too. comics meant to have paper print editions have different constraints and requirements and frameworks to work with than webtoons meant to be read on slim mobile screens in a continuous scrolling format. a good traditional comic will consider not just how each individual panel looks but also the way each page as a whole looks, and how the pages look next to each other in a spread, and how it feels to turn the page towards the next spread. a good webtoon will consider the movement of scrolling down and how this affects the transition from one moment to another in its composition. time is time in videos and cutscenes but space is time in comics, and the space your have available determines how you can divide time across it. when you make a webcomic on your own website you have no constraints but the ones you set for yourself, and sometimes this leads to things like homestuck, which would not work in any other format than the one it created for itself.

the best comics are good because they tell their story and present their images specifically in the form of a comic, in a way that would not be possible if it were not specifically a comic. I think this is true for basically every medium, I'm just thinking about comics specifically lately, because even though I don't really consider myself a comic artist - because I usually draw sequences of images rather than comics - the thing my clients want to pay for is often still "a comic", and they don't know or care to tell the difference. it's a difference that, as established, is often fairly moot anyway, because as long as it successfully conveys your idea it's good enough. but it's precisely because the sequence of images is often good enough that the specific skill of the comic artist is often overlooked.

[sticktothestars]

𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 , " 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐢 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 '𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐢 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 . " ⋆✴︎˚｡⋆

a/n: *walks in, twiddling my thumbs* so i watched thunderbolts. we're just gonna say that i totally didn't fall in love with bob. AVENGERS FOUND FAMILY FANFICS ARE SO BACK GUYS. FHDSFFJ I'LL MAKE A SEPARATE POST ABOUT WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THE MOVIE, BUT YEAAH. I LOWKEY AM SUPER EXCITED & I CAN'T WAIT FOR YALL TO READ THIS 'CUZ I'VE BEEN HAVING THIS IDEA STUCK IN MY HEAD & IT WON'T GO AWAY. ANYWAY, IMMA STOP YAPPING NOW. ENJOOOYY!!1 (ALSO. you have the powers/fighting style of deadpool!)

paring: robert/bob reynolds x male!reader

word count: 1k+

warnings: slight spoilers for thunderbolts* if you haven't seen it. takes place post movie. slight cursing. contains a shit ton of angst & hard topics like anxiety attacks, child abuse, gore, & character death are mentioned throughout this oneshot. yeah i lowkey kind of spiraled while writing this lmfaooo.

════════════════════════════════════════════

──★

IF you told the [Y/N] from 3 months ago that you'd be working with the new avengers, you would've laughed HARD in your own face. Seriously. It would've lasted for like 7 minutes before you'd probably go tell you to fuck off or something. But now that you was here - saving people instead of being the one to end people for money - it felt trippy thing to even consider. Especially with the things you've done in your past. Despite your initial hesitation on even teaming up with this unstable group of people, you couldn't help but feel a LOT more happier than how you was before.

Maybe it was just the fact that saving people felt good or that you finally had a purpose in life - but no. It was something completely different. You was finally around people who understood what it felt like to not feel like they didn't deserve anything good or be stuck in an endless loop that just hurted you even more. It felt like a HUGE breathe of fresh air. Or maybe it was because you were around him like 99.99% of the time now after everything.

You met Bob in... troubling circumstances, to say the least. Bucky - a good friend of yours - contacted you while you were in New York in retirement from your mercenary past. You were honestly struggling a little. Working as an unsuspecting barista for some cozy coffee shop was nice & all, but it felt.. meaningless. So with one last second thought, you put your suit on & rode your motorcycle to a new mission. Which ended well overall, but with a lot of memories you wanted to lock away unfortunately.

But since then, the two of you have grown closer - especially since you were living together amongst the others in the Avenger's base. Bob obviously couldn't go on the missions due to not being able to control his powers all that well. You try to help him out the best you can when you're there.

...But sometimes that helping could go sideways.

──★

[Y/N]'s flicked open as he noticed the surroundings around him. Where was he? Just a moment ago he was sparring with Bob in the training room & then..

" Oh fuck.. " you muttered with a sigh as you realized what's happening. Your gaze fixes on a teen version of you - freshly scarred, WAY more defensive - yet afraid. Like there was something out for him. You knew what this was. You knew it all too well.

Back before you became a mercenary, you were a cage fighter in Orlando - trafficked at 7 & escaped at 16. 9 years of horror. Yeah that fucked you up pretty bad. Of course it would. But you had friends. It what kept you sane.

But they took that away too along with your dignity.

One night - when you were 16 - a new match was starting. They didn't tell you who the opponent would be. They never did. To them, it was just another body to throw away for entertainment. Having survived for so long & having so much blood on your hands, you'd think that you'd get used to it by now. But it only just got worse from there.

You stood there, watching yourself as your younger self enter the cage - a look of uneasiness on your younger self's face, tuning out the crowd of people as they cheered for blood. But you? You just wanted to know who else? Who else's blood would you have on your hands? As your opponent stumbles out into the cage with a shove from one of the guards just outside the cage, you saw your heart drop. Just by the horror on your own face.

Your opponent was your best friend, Liam. The Liam who stuck by your side through the last 9 years you've been here. The Liam who managed to make you laugh when things got that dark. The Liam who was your anchor. The Liam who you absolute adored like an older brother. You couldn't do it. You refused to. You couldn't do it if you tried.

" ... No.. No I'm not hurting him. You can't make me kill him. " You refused, backing away & banging on the cage's exit. Liam just watched you. He watched you try to figure out something. Anything to stop this match from happening. Liam knew this would happen soon. He was prepared for this. Hell, maybe he even prepared this moment from the start. You know that now. You wish you knew it sooner.

" [Y/N]. " Liam says gently, his voice calm - causing the younger you's attention to snap towards him, eyes tearing up as you tried to say something. Anything. But only a mournful silence filled between the two of you as the crowd cheered for the two of you to fight. You shook your head, keeping your head down.

" [Y/N], you have to. " Liam says gently, putting a hand on your shoulder as he approached. You just shook your head. " No- No- I-i-i can't- " You stammered out, clenching your fists so tight you felt as though you were bleeding slightly through your bandages.

" They'll kill you if you don't, kid. " Liam states. " I don't fucking care. " You say back, holding yourself close as you look back up at the 20 year old you've grown to be so attached to.

Liam sighs. " Well start caring. You're surviving. Even if it means killing me too. " The brunette says sternly.

" No! I'm not losing you! And I'm not listening to them anymore just to survive! " You call out so everyone can hear. The crowd boos, insults rolling out into the arena like a hurricane. The ringleader scoffs, motioning the guards to ready & aim at you.

Liam clocks this & horror enters his face, shielding you as bullets & sparks fly - the crowd falling silent. The bullets stop. Everything stops as a body slumps onto the ground. But it wasn't yours. It was Liam's. You stare at the hole covered body for what feels like a lifetime. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't even think straight.

Only when a guard grabs you is when you react is when you scream, absolute anguish & horror in your voice as it breaks as you're dragged out of the arena - new plans settled for you that changed your dna & life forever. The present you doesn't look away from Liam's corpse. You felt yourself spiraling within your regrets over the What If's.

What if you had let Liam kill you that day? You didn't deserve to live. Especially with the blood on your hands. The things you did without mercy. But Liam? He was kind. He was good. He deserved way better. He was so good & no one else ever got to see that goodness in him.

You scratched at the collar of your shirt, trying to force yourself to breathe but you couldn't. Everything felt so meaningless. You were meaningless. You were the problem because you couldn't keep your mouth shut.

Fuck. Everything felt so heavy. You collapsed to your knees, squeezing your eyes shut but Liam's lifeless body kept coming in again & again like a broken melody.

๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

" 'M sorry- M' so sorry- I-i should've known this would happen- I'm so fucking sorry- " A panicked & oh so familiar voice called out, snapping you out of your vision to feel Bob holding you in his arms tight as you sobbed. You hold onto his warmth, clenching his shirt. The two of you stay there for a while. Which seemed like forever. But neither one of you complained.

You sniffle slightly, letting your head nuzzle into the crook of the other's neck. And Bob just held you tighter. He couldn't let you go through this again. He couldn't bear seeing you hurt because of him.

You were probably one of the coolest people on the team, but seeing you fall apart like this felt gut wrenching. He mutters out more apologies, his chin resting on your head.

He's made everything worse again.

And to you of all people.

The man he absolutely adores.

──★

lowkey locked tf in on this one idk. hope yall enjoyed tho lowkey !! lemme know if yall want a part two or smthin cuz i'm down. SEND ME MORE REQUESTS PUHLEASEE.

anyways, that's it for now !! BUH BYEEE ^^

── DAMIEN ★

[beezaj]

First of all thank you for the question!

Really happy to know that people like my writing and wants to know more, and about the question, at the beginning after posting about gingerbrave team, I was going to write post focusing solo on pure vanilla but because of some personal reasons I was too busy with my life in general to write something and now 7-8 chapters of beast yeast is out and I will have to remake and rethink some aspects of this au (yes now this is a full au) which I can’t promise to you or myself that it will be soon, but this comment had made my brain go if full speed mode so I will make a short summary on ancients(-white lily since she is a big spoiler).

The beast one will be a part of a lore that I still need to work on so they will not be here sorry :(.

Again thank you for this comment and for bringing me back to writing!!! Hope you enjoy it!

Also the name of au is Baked goods

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Pure vanilla cookie - originally pure vanilla cookie wasn't sure what to think of you, no really witch-like creature about whom nothing is known? Doesn't bring trust at all, but quite an old cookie by nature tries to see better in situations and cookies next to him (he was literally tortured by Shadow milk cookie and he STILL wanted to be his friend) that's why he was the first one (almost, well holly berry cookie met backer after pure vanilla so) to be nice to you among the ancients.

He wanted to understand you. why are you here? why did you start helping cookie kind? why now?Why a group of children?

But he trusts you more than all the other ancients and even considers you his close (almost too close) friend and comrade, he sincerely trusts you and always glad to see you whenever you visit the vanilla kingdom, he likes to tell you stories and interesting things about their world when you do visit.

He doesn't mind that you guide gingerbrave and his friends after all these little children are close to pure vanilla cookie and he is sincerely glad that there is someone in the world who can protect and help them in case of need.

He knows that he can count on you.

HollyBerry cookie - her opinion on you is almost as good as pure vanilla’s if not the same ! Really and how can it not be when your very first meeting was in the battle against the greenish red dragon.

with you both of you against that old cranky lizard! as cookies say “enemy of my enemy is my friend” (she doesn’t really think of pitaya dragon cookie as an enemy tho)

of course when she just learned about you she was shocked and kinda confused by you but hey you were there to help so no problems in that.

right now she views you as a good person and descant supporter since in the first (and only ) battle she had seen you in action all you did was supporting the group of kids ,who at the time, also included her granddaughter.

Sure you appreciate might be little bit unsettling since you do look very much like a witch and you silent presence can be uncomfortable but you known to be doing only good things for your kingdom and cookie of it.

What harm in that , that is basically what she and her friends are doing.

She quiet found of your company and frankly it would probably be interesting to stay and spend time together more, but an cookie like her just can’t be on one place for too long she needs adventure she need the trill of free life! And that’s were your paths are going separate.

Tho she is always happy to see you and your little friends whenever you paths do cross again.

Maybe she should come visit your kingdom at least once, she heard a lot of good things about that place and would be happy to see it with her own eyes….

Maybe one day.

Dark cacao cookie -oh how many problems you had with this one.

From all ancients he was the second hardest cookie to befriend the only reason why he’s not the first one is because white lily cookie still doesn’t trust you.

Firstly he was threatened by you, like for him it’s already hard enough to trust an ordinary cookie, always expecting betrayal.

And the situation with the living void ? Yea let’s say his first impression of you was far from good.

The outlanders themself were a problem and they brought some type of beast with them?!?!? HOW DARE THEY AND YOU TO SHOW UP HERE!! He was full determent to make all of you regret that decision.

And then the battle with living void happened and short after he had lost control and become a monster by himself. It’s really good that the group of children were in time to reveal that thy here on pure vanilla’s behalf, when he hade heard them mention the name of a friend that he thought to be long time gone, he finally listened. Well more like read

Pure vanilla’s letter that had explained a lot of thing in.

It was truly nice to know that he was okay and that same outlanders that he thought were here for trouble were the one who helped his friend in need.

And after that moment his trust in you and the group of children started to build up.

Dark Cacao himself isn’t very chatty cookie himself but he dose accidentally talks to you

Your not his friend (not yet) but you are his ally and with every single battle you hade supported him in , his view on you became more positive

Who knows maybe one day he would call you his friend?

Golden cheese - her view on you and relationship in general very similar to dark cacao.

At the beginning she did not like you at all , she had her own virtual kingdom with all her trespassers and no place for outside things.

Then you and outlanders showed up , you fought, firstly against each other then together against smoked cheese cookie.

She find out you from pure vanilla and etc.

Just unlike Dark cacao she dose consider you a friend, gained witch like creature a friend, friend that she quite found of.

My-my, And how can she not ? You are very interesting as a ally as a person as a possible new treasurer of hers.

I mean she already considers her ancient friend, her people, even animals in her kingdom her treasures

why not add a new precious stone to her collection?