#and i hope that as i go through learning with a(n irl) community that i will stop feeling as scared

[son-of-avraham]

I heard this put so well, but hearing somebody say that conversion to judaism isn't just about the good - torah, being part of a peoplehood, the fulfilling parts - it's also about joining the tragic. You join the people who went through the shoah, pogroms, displacement, and all of this throughout history. It's a really scary thought, and I don't imagine it's any easier for jews post-conversion or born jews.

Learning to balance the sense of scale of jewish history with the joy of torah and peoplehood is something that's difficult. The joy must outweigh the horror though, I think. But knowing all of this has made me confident that I am making an informed decision, which makes me even more confident

[scalesgodsandapologies]

Hello...

This is my space to make digital offerings and prayers to the Theoi (if digital offerings really are acceptable anyways) I'm also working on making an altar for physical offerings too, so it's not just this.

I'm still learning my way around the Greek gods, and Greek mythology by extension. If I mess things up or get something wrong, I'm so sorry. Admittedly, I'm shy to the gods at best, and unsure about fully pursuing them at the worst. No matter how this turns out, I really want to do my best at this

A big reason for creating this blog is my head. I constantly get intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and I think I have some undiagnosed bpd (don't want to completely confirm it, but based on what I see when I go through that tag, there's a lot I relate to) I'm often ashamed of these thoughts, and based on my Christian years, I'm paranoid that the divine can hear every thought, and answer to everything that I don't want them to. I know that they're patient and understanding, and I genuinely feel like there's more support with the Hellenic community than there ever was with Christianity. Still, I feel bad that they have to hear my dumb thoughts, IF they even hear them at all.

So, yes. This blog, and an altar irl is my place and chance to separate the thoughts of my mind from what I truly want to give/appreciate/devote to the Theoi. I'm always open to advice, gods know I'll need it....

Misc. Things about me ⬇️

- I love dragons (and animals in general,) and on my blog @datdragonbastard I'll post art of my dragonsona (kind of a once in a blue moon thing at this rate)

- I'll eat anything, but I always come back around to Mac n cheese and ramen

- I like drawing, (attempting to) write, listening to music (any genre except opera and most musicals) reading, cooking, baking, the night sky, webcomics (I Hope So and Golden Shrike are my top faves) and napping. I used to enjoy video games, but my work leaves me too tired to consider it anymore

- I'm tired and afraid of life, but I try to stick around for the sake of the world and my siblings (I'm the oldest)

- I'm Librafluid (they/she/he) and I'm asexual by heart. I'm always questioning my romantic orientation, but I'm also fine with the aromantic label

That's that, for now anyway

[chinesebarbie]

1. First of UNRELATED but FUCKKKKKK MY STIMACH HURTS SO MUHC KILL ME NOWWWWWW N E ways I so saw that after interacting with relatively normal people for the first time in a WHILE post covid (let’s be serious post middle school… like wow I was a loser emo.) and how people can actually LEARN from others instead of intense ridiculous ostracism for any minor differentiation, being online feels like this suffocating circus of charades to fit into any single community, entire ppl’s lives are online to compare to yourself and the comparison is just something that got so so heavy on me, to feel worthy in an internet landscape I had to jump through the hoops of regular teen identity dilemmas while also being out to adult standards of experience education and other standards I simply can’t or don’t give a fuck about achieving I could actually blab on about this forever so I’ll practice some discretion and zip it but thanks for the advice and experience!! Once I’m in physical college classes I hope I’m able to actually make irl friends for the silly reason of wanting to have fun. Human nature ig

2. INCOMIGNG BLABFEST OOPSIE but this made me think about how having a diary is truly the samsara (circle of life - also omg my dumbass had to Google it bc I forgot the name 😭) where in the moment the author can realize by embodying posterior perspectives while writing and in ongoing rumination about the finished product in order to cultivate a matured perspective on a topic, and how that rumination extends WELL WELL after the initial writing experience through memory recollection, and how this recollection is made unique through stimuli from one’s personal writing process, and even if memory fails you the archive of your writing from the inception of the ability to write and OMG THIS WAS SO PRETENTIOUS IM SORRY 😭 but like the ability to blab on about stupid drawn out shit and having the excuse of ITS MY DIARY don’t like don’t read teehee!! Is so fun and like idc everyone who is mad about that is so miserable and not as untouchably smart and superior as they think like how did you even become this ‘above’ us peasants, by WRITING. READING. Whatever. Also THANKS AGAIN YOURW WAY WAY TOO SWEET and also what accomplishments do you hope to achieve this year or in some eventuality?

3. This goes for all of Europe like Europe is so not real I can’t even imagine how tiny it is like it’s literally the size of FUCKING TEXAS and it’s supposed to be a ‘continent’….? Like what. How is it real that these geeks can go to France to turkey in the amount of time it takes to walk from dennys to your Honda civic in a Kentucky strip mall parking lot, like these people need to stop being as pompous about their public transport no matter how effective it is (it’s still really good and way better than the automobile market but let’s be serious ofc it’s easier to establish when your country takes five minutes by hopping on one foot to go from border control to border control)

4. Omg is there any sort of Union that could prompt lobbying for any type of repairs? Ofc it’s extremely doubtful it would get any sort of actual improvements bc MUH PROFITS but I hope the work environment there engenders some sort of small scale solutions by the workers like a really kind worker bringing in a fan…

5. UGH I WISHHHH canvas is too sophisticated NAURRR and also omg this school is making me feel SO stupid and inferior like I want so badly to be a scholarly and motivated student but I’m growing absolutely horribly and getting faced with failure from every direction I hate it so much

[dove-da-birb]

Dove, there is so much I could say about you that I barely know where to start!

I'll start with your creativity. Your writing is always atmospheric and deeply emotional. Everything I've read of yours has been wonderful! Your OCs are very well-developed and expressive, and I love each and every one of them. Your art is delicious (I want to c o n s u m e every little piece I see) and super cute too. And all of your other projects, from knitting to crochet to anything else, are adorable and really well done!

You're also an incredibly nice person to talk with. I always feel comfortable and supported when speaking with you on any topic. I'm sure your mutuals and other followers feel much the same. Despite your chaos, your genuine nature and kindness shine through in every single thing you do. Although, your chaotic exploits also bring a lot of joy!

I'm so very glad to have met you; you've become a true friend since we've met, and for that, I'll always be grateful.

*holds gently*

Creativity

I’ve been writing for a bit, like for a decade for creative writing. Sometimes I have difficulty imagining a scene while reading, so I try to describe it in a way that is aesthetic and makes sense in a way?

OCs; I like them to feel like you could know them irl. Each one comes from a different culture as well, since the world is a diverse place; same with neurodiversity, ability, body size, and religion/spirituality.

Art; been drawing since I could remember (one of my first memories actually). I’ve struggled with finding my style, but that’ll be a life long thing. But, thank you!

Yarn shenanigans; picked up knitting in December 2019, but I used to knit when I was a kid as well. Just learned how to crochet at the beginning of September though ^v^

I had difficulty expressing myself verbally as a child, and even now, so creative pursuits help me communicate in a way.

Being nice and genuine

I don’t really think about it? Like, it’s just is easy to be kind and in a world that seems to not be? Yeah, fuck that, I’m going to be nice.

I don’t see a reason NOT to be kind and genuine; it’s both the logical thing to do, but makes others, and myself happy.

Chaos; idk how they happen, but they’re fun and I have cried laughing a few times, and hope the receiving person of said chaos does the same.

I have a feeling who this is, but regardless; thank you. For the companionship, friendship, support, and laughs. It means a lot <3

[soulformyowner]

Your post about abandonment touched me deeply and led me to read through months’-worth of content on your blog. I’ve been sharing ideas with my partner from some posts you’ve written and reblogged, but.. could you recommend any more thorough and comprehensive resources, either online or in books, about dominance and submission especially in their capacity to be vehicles for personal growth and support? Thanks so much, I really appreciate your blog! Take care xx

<3 Thank you so much! Your message means a lot to me.

- My best advice to read anything and everything you can, go down as many internet rabbit holes as you can, even about dynamics that don’t “fit” you. I consider myself a slave, but I had to learn about petplay, taken-in-hand, and ageplay dynamics before I could decide what resonated with me. Even if you disagree with what you’re reading, you can bring it to your partner and start a conversation that way. “This person wrote x, but in our context, I find y is more important. What do you think?”

Websites I visit often: https://www.submissiveguide.com/ https://www.the-iron-gate.com/

Some Googleable mix-n-match terms: power exchange / master slave / dynamic / taken in hand / dominance submission / rules / contract / protocol / safety / SSC / RACK / PRICK / fetish / behavior modification / respect / obedience / caregiver little / petplay / humility / blog / collar / owner property / BDSM / kink / leather / lifestyle / erotic hypnosis / TPE / orgasm control / ritual / training

- If you don’t have a Fetlife, it’s a good idea to get one. A lot of people will recommend Fetlife if someone is looking for local community events or people to play with irl, but I’ve found the discussion boards useful. BDSM Theory and Spirituality & BDSM might be of interest to you.

- Tumblr has an excellent D/s scene. domwithpen’s old blog was a goldmine (he’s now at @dwpreturns) and you might still be able to find his writings floating around. @subgirlygirl & @keptmathilda & @amysubmits & @onelittlekingdom & @cherishedproperty & @sccwriting & @spicenwolf & @bedtimestoriesforbrokengirls are some of my favorite current D/s blogs. 

Other resources: Erotic Awakening podcast, The Story of O, Conquer Me, works by Raven Kaldera, The New Bottoming Book, Living M/s; A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships

I hope this is helpful! May your dynamic prosper. <3

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Three Hundred Thirty-One: Boiling Water ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

Another day...another away basketball game. Which means a pretty empty classroom for the Home Ec group.

And Sasuke still has a lot on his mind regarding the class.

It’s true that he’s really enjoyed this semester. He had his doubts in the beginning. It has a bit of a reputation for being...well, girly. Of course, now he knows better. Sewing, cooking, cleaning...it’s not a girl thing, it’s a person thing.

While most of his classmates are underclassmen girls, they’ve subtly - in their own way - help impress just such a fact upon him. Doesn’t matter what you are. Got a hole in your shirt? You can fix it, just gotta know how. Need to make a dessert for a friend’s potluck? You can make one, just gotta know how! And literally everyone needs to know how to clean. Otherwise...you’re just gross.

In short, he went from one of those senior guys to a better equipped soon-to-be-adult. And also from someone rather intimidating in the class to the girls’ favorite person to fill in on gossip and ask opinions for. From scary upperclassman to adopted older brother of the class, really.

Well...for everyone except one person.

Hinata’s been...different. Mostly because she’s a senior, like he is. But also because she’s pretty much teacher number two. A copilot for the class, but especially for Sasuke. She helped him catch up in a variety of the class’s aspects, but especially cooking. Which his mother has been ecstatic about.

And over time, it’s become less about him learning from her, and more just...hanging out with her. They use free days to just...sit and cook things and talk. He hasn’t ever really had a friend like her before. Mostly he’s only ever just been commandeered into friendships like that with Naruto, or Shikamaru, or any of the other guys in their year. Any girls he’s met have generally been obnoxious and only wanted one thing from him.

...ironic then that the one he’s been able to tolerate and actually befriend...he’s been trying very hard not to feel more than that for.

He didn’t even mean for it to happen! It just...did! She’s so kind, and soft-spoken, and sweet...and she’s never treated him like the other girls have treated him. Like some kind of prey to be stalked and hunted down. It drives him up the wall...no, Hinata just treats him like anyone else. Like a friend.

And...and that’s what he wants.

...ugh.

It just so happens, too, that this entire conundrum is coming up as the semester is about to end. Technically Sasuke only needs one semester of this class to meet his requirements for graduation. And at the beginning of the year, he had assumed he’d be thankful once it was over. But now...he’s not so sure. And not just because of Hinata. He genuinely enjoys the class, and wants to stay.

There’s just one problem: his dad has been hounding him about taking as many “attractive” classes to colleges as he can. And needless to say that a Home Ec course doesn’t really do much for him in that regard.

Which leaves Sasuke in a bit of a bind. Does he ignore his father’s very obvious hinting and risk making him mad? Or does he abandon one of his favorite classes to please him (and whatever university ends up accepting him), making himself all the more miserable?

It’s been bugging him for a few weeks now...and he really isn’t sure what to do.

So...he decides to ask the one person he thinks he should.

“Another quiet day,” Hinata muses, letting her bag rest near the table she always sits at. “Well...want to cook something?”

Sasuke doesn’t reply at first, and her head tilts curiously.

“...Sasuke?”

“Could we maybe do something...else first?”

“Um...sure! What...what were you thinking?”

“I’d like some advice.”

Pale eyes blink in surprise. “...okay! Um...would you like some tea for while we...talk?”

“...yeah, that’d be nice.”

Nodding, Hinata fetches one of the Home Ec room’s kettles, filling it with water and letting it sit on the stovetop. “Is...everything okay?”

“Y’know how I mentioned changing classes the other day?”

“Oh...yeah. Still haven’t m-made a decision yet?”

His head shakes.

“Well, I...I don’t know if I’m really the person to ask, Sasuke.”

“I already asked my mom. She said I should stay.”

“...I take it you, um...you haven’t asked your dad?”

“No. I already know what he’d say. And...I didn’t want to risk bringing it up and having him make up my mind for me, y’know?”

“Yeah...I get that.” Going quiet for a moment, she seems to mull that over. “...what do you want to do?”

“...I want to stay.”

“...but?”

“But...I don’t want my dad to get angry. I don’t want to risk screwing up my college apps.”

“Will half a credit really make or break you…?”

“No. I don’t think so? I don’t know!”

Holding up a hand for a pause, Hinata lets the kettle build to a steady whistle before pouring two mugs of tea. “...here.”

“...thanks.”

“Let’s sit.”

Sasuke follows, holding his cup and not yet drinking. It’s almost more soothing just to hold it.

“...before, when we talked...you said you liked this class, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And that you...you already know your major, and...what kind of job you want?”

“I guess. It’s not really that I...want it? More just I guess it’s what I’ll do.”

Hinata’s eyes lower to the table, clearly thinking. “...do you...enjoy the things we do in class? Like...would you consider them hobbies, now?”

“...some of it? Cooking, yeah. I was kinda meh about it before, but...now I really like it. The rest is just useful.”

“...then I would stay, if I were you. Your dad can’t throw much of a fit about half a credit, right…?”

Sasuke sighs, a hand running back through his hair. “...I guess not. I just…” There’s a beat of hesitation. “...my dad’s pretty strict with my brother and I. Itachi’s already getting his undergrad in business this year, and he’s going on for a master’s. I don’t even think he wants to, he just feels like he has to because Dad pushed him into it. And then he started doing the same to me when Itachi started college.”

Hinata’s expression sobers. “...I know how that goes. My father and I, we...we had a big f-falling out when I was younger about what I wanted to do. When I told him I was going to take a year off...he told me he was cutting all support once I graduate.”

“What?!”

A nod. “He doesn’t think it’s proper. So I’ll be on my own. But I don’t have a plan...nothing’s ever felt that c-clear to me. I wanted the year to take and just...discover myself. See if...there was something I wanted to pursue.”

Sasuke’s brows furrow with a frown. “...I still say you do culinary stuff. You’re so good at it, Hinata! And you clearly enjoy it! Screw your dad and his snotty standards. Take a year, explore, and then go to culinary school. Look...I know there’s a pretty good program with the local community college. I bet you’d do great, and it wouldn’t be very expensive. Hell, I’d help you if I could.”

At that, her face slackens in surprise. “You...you really…?”

“You’re like...the nicest person I know. If your dad’s gonna treat you like that, it’s his loss, not yours. It’s your life, ‘nata. Do what you want with it.” Sasuke takes a gulp of tea in a spike of temper, feeling it burn down his throat. “...and if you open that baker you talked about? I’ll come work for you - do your books and stuff. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing otherwise. I’d do it.”

“But...w-why…?”

“Cuz you’re my friend. And I want to support you. Look...I know it’s only been a semester, but...you’re one of my best friends. Maybe even my best friend. So what kinda friend would I be back if I didn’t do that much, huh?”

To his own surprise, her jaw trembles, tears beading along her lids. “No one’s...n-no one’s ever...told me that before. Just...said I should do it.”

“Then you need to find better people to be around,” he mutters stubbornly.

“...thank you, Sasuke. Heh…” She dashes at her eyes with a sheepish smile. “...this was supposed to be advice for you...not me.”

“Hey, it’s a two-way street. I’ll stick to the class. That much we pretty much already knew anyway, right?”

“...right.”

Sasuke’s eyes flicker between her own, which stare a bit somberly at the table. “...it’ll be fine, Hinata. Besides, we’ve got a whole semester before we graduate. You can make some plans between now and then. Just...forget your dad and his attitude. It’s all gonna work out.”

“...I hope so.” Finally looking up, she gives him a rosy-cheeked smile. “...I’m glad you’re staying. It...it means a lot to me to have you to talk to, and just...y’know...hang out with. Is...is that lame?”

“...nah, it’s not lame at all.”

                                                           .oOo.

     (This is a sequel to days 98, 108, 139, 227, 284, and 301!)       Heyyy, guys - sorry for the unexpected two day break. But uh...I'll talk more about that below for anyone wondering. For now, about the drabble!      We're back in the Home Ec verse! I love this one, for a couple of reasons. Mostly cuz it's just so domestic and slice-of-lifey, y'know? It's relaxing, even when writing more stressful parts for them like this one. I dunno. It's just nice xD Not really a full 'story' per se since not much really...HAPPENS. But it's one of my favorite series.      Anyway, a lil behind-the-scenes for a second, which comes first with a little warning: the rest of the year is going to be VERY busy for me due to some irl changes happening this month. The next two weeks especially, but it'll probably drag on until at least the new year...I dunno. But in short, I've been missing so many days the last few weeks because life is REALLY stressful, and I've just been too tired. Add in that I have a chronic illness to deal with, and just...yeah. I get behind and have to take breaks.      And honestly I'm getting very burnt out by a whole year of writing an average of 1500 words A DAY. For reference's sake, this challenge JUST past 500,000 words. And I also did SHM, which was another 30,000, and ANOTHER ship month which was 75,000. That's over 600,000, and that's not counting other side projects I've done. So yes, I write other things too, but that makes this challenge all the more...well, challenging. For reference, today's prompt was for November 27. That's how far behind I've gotten. But there's just...really not much I can do about it, sadly. I don't have time to make them up, and likely will just have to drag the event out past December 31. Then on top of that there's organizing all the mini series for AO3, and just...yeah. I'm gonna need a LONG break once that's done before I even THINK of taking on all the projects I want to that will stem from this challenge.      SO, in short...just please be patient with me ;w; I'm doing my best, and in the end - as much as I love this - it IS just fanfiction. Real life has to come first. So I hope you'll bear with me for the last few weeks, and then the much-needed hiatus once it's over to recup before hopefully turn some of these into proper fics. We'll see how life goes.      But, that's enough rambling out of me! I just thought I'd elaborate a bit in case anyone was curious. I'm all right, just...very busy and stressed ^^; So I'll just have to take this challenge as I can. But thanks to everyone sticking with it. I appreciate it! On that note, though...I better go. Thanks for reading!

[fairycosmos]

My boyfriend of a few months (i've known him for a year) has just told me his "his mind and body don't match" that he has struggled all his life with this. (I'm female btw) I honestly don't know how to feel or react or what to say. I'm so confused but also I just want to hold him forever because he's the most beautiful person in the world to me. :( do you or your followers have any advice on how to deal with this?

hey! like he's trans? i'll use he/him pronouns since you did if that's ok, but correct me if not. i definitely don't think i'm an authority on this subject and if i have any trans followers who want to chip in, your insight would be greatly valued..........but i guess generally i would recommend just letting him know that you're there to listen and that you love him and that you will be with him through it all. that would be a good place to start. try to keep an open mindset. don't assume how he feels or try to speak for him, just ask and go with it. be receptive to his thoughts n feelings. think about how you would feel if you were him. it must be painful to deal with something like this for your whole life. and this must be quite a shock for you as well. it's totally normal to not know exactly what to do, and to experience a period of adjustment where you feel a bit out of sync and taken aback. confusion is just a part of beginning to understand. process it in your own way, one step at a time. you're both just learning to navigate this, but it seems like you care for each other profoundly and that's a really good sign. he was honest with you and it was probably really hard to talk about it after keeping it inside for so long. but that means he trusts you enough to try. idk where you guys live or what the situation is like, or if he wants to begin to transition in any way. it's tough and he's the only one who can make that call. but i think having a conversation about what you can do to help and where he wants to go from here could be really beneficial. there may be minor changes that can be made that will enable him to feel more comfortable on a daily basis. i would also suggest doing some more research about how to support him. there are a lot of people online who share their own experiences which could make you both feel less alone. it probably feels like a very overwhelming situation but i promise there are resources and people who understand. the more you guys confront this together, and the more you remain open to positive progress, the less foreign it will seem. he doesn't have to be cis, it's ok that he's not. you can both come to terms in your own ways in order to create lives you're glad to live. whatever that looks like, there's no wrong answer. i don't know where you're at with your feelings for him, and how you deal with them is entirely your choice. but regardless, you obviously think he's an amazing person and you want him to be happy. just being there for him will help more than you realize. he doesn't owe a physical transition or a 'coming out' announcement to anyone, and there's no rush. right now it's probably a good idea to just work on being honest with each other and like i said before, listening to what he needs and what steps he wants to take, if any. familiarizing yourself with trans people (through online or irl communities) and showing him that he has options and that he is loved will make a big difference. there are also hotlines you can call that will offer additional info and guidance. anyway i hope you're both ok and that you're able to get to a point where you're both happy and healthy. you deserve it, and it's alright if it's a process. take it one day at a time. and let me know if you need a friend, i'll be here. sending love.

again, if i have any trans followers who want to make some suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated.

[sakurauchis]

                                        H i a t u s  N o t i c e

┈ Hello everyone! It’s Aleena; some of you may know me by my old URL’s kageyamastobio or dazaiosamu! it’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve last been on tumblr or have posted an edit. As you can probably tell from the title, this is an extremely long overdue post that I’m finally getting around. I’ve been putting this off for so long, but It’s my birthday today on August 16th & I decided that it would finally be a good time to talk about this. I wanted to thank everyone properly and let you all know what’s going on. 

┈ I’ve been thinking of quitting tumblr for quite a while now. As some of you might have been able to tell, I haven’t updated my queue in a very long time. The posts that have been running once a day is whatever I have left that’s been tagged from months ago. It’s almost completely empty now >< I also haven’t posted any edits in a long time too. It’s just a lot of time for me now to maintain my blogs and I think going on this hiatus will help a lot.

┈ It makes me sad to say this but I don’t have as much free time to spend on tumblr anymore. When I first got into tumblr in my last year of high school, I used to love running my blog, as well as being in a bunch of sideblogs with the amazing people that I have met on here. I’m actually entering my third year of university this upcoming fall! A lot of time has flown by and i’m glad for the years i’ve been on here. But I haven’t been able to stay up to date with seasonal anime, and I feel like I have fallen so far behind. I’ve also lost a lot of motivation to keep making edits too :c It’s not that I don’t enjoy making edits anymore, I still do! It’s a wonderful passion I was able to learn and dedicate myself to for the past three years. A majority of my time now is dedicated to school, studying, and more irl things. I also have a boyfriend now haha! Even when I did manage to find some time, I felt like I would only go on tumblr to make sure that my blog wasn’t falling behind. Eventually that kept piling up because I couldn’t keep up to date with the all the new content. 

┈ I still really really love watching anime, reading manga & webtoons, as well as finding new content for all these fandoms. I can’t believe that almost all of my mutuals are still following me despite not being active anymore. It means a lot and I love you guys all so much :’) If anyone is curious, I’ve basically been mostly active on twitter at this point. I’ve been using my main twitter for animanga (and kpop) content as well as my idol twitter for my mobage games. A good chunk of my close mutuals already have me on there, but if anyone is interested, I would love to still keep in touch with everyone on twitter (mutual or not)~

┈ This is also sucks for me to say, but certain tumblr fandoms have also really drained the enthusiasm and motivation that I used to have for them. While I still love those fandoms to death, I find myself not actively keeping up to date because of how tiresome the fandom can be :x I know not all fandoms are like this but it’s sad to see the negative sides of them so often on here. I just don’t want to associate with that anymore! This also leads into another small topic, but I was heavily involved in a lot of drama here a year(?) ago or something. While I have definitely moved on, some parts of it still do affect me today. I’m not going to lie, it has made me not want to make edits as much as before as a result of it. I know I’ve been mentioning a lot of sad stuff but in the long run, i’ve really enjoyed the times i’ve spent on here, crying over everyone’s beautiful edits, and getting to know so many different individuals on here ♡ I’ve actually met two amazing IRL friends through tumblr, reconnected a friend through tumblr/anime and that is absolutely crazy to me because they are some of the closest friends I know in person today.

┈ One of the last few things I want to mention here before I wrap it up. I’ve been talking to some friends on my twitter accounts and I have decided that I am not going to permanently delete my tumblr blog! I’m just going on an indefinite hiatus on tumblr. I have a feeling that I will hopefully come back in the near future! I love seeing fanart, and everyone’s edits for anime so much I'm not sure if I will be gone forever. That being said, I will no longer be updating my queue, and edits will no longer be posted as of now for this indefinite hiatus period. I’m not sure how long i’ll be away. But one thing for sure is my love for anime & how I loved to share these feelings with this community! I hope you can all understand. 

┈ Thank you to each and everyone for showing me so much love and support these past three years (this is so cliche and sounds like a sports anime HAHA), i’m so thankful for all the wonderful experiences i’ve been through (good and bad) and what mainly kept me going for so long was all the amazing people I have met on here. I know I have drifted by disconnecting from tumblr, but I want you all to know that I would 100% still love to talk and connect on twitter if anyone wants to :) I’ll be retweeting this quite a few times. I almost forgot to mention but feel free to unfollow if you would like. I won’t take it to heart, I know a lot of people like to keep their following lists clean~ My tumblr will still be here as an archive for all the edits i’ve made. Thanks for understanding and taking the time to read this, have a nice day everyone!

[callhimarcher-blog]

Hi.

I’m finally back after what, a year-long hiatus? Never intended for that to happen but there you go. Life up and down but I’m doing fine blah blah. That’s not what I’m here to post about. 

I was just getting back into the icos fandom. I can’t say I ever really left it because I’ve been ghosting the tag ever so often, as well as anything new Ais and Santino post. I was actually just about to go on a reblog frenzy because I’m now really getting back into icos and I’ve been scrolling through several blogs and all the edits/discussions/etc are reawakening that thrill like nothing else. 

And then this. 

Listen. I read Ais’ post. I read Santino’s post. I’m still not entirely clear on what the heck’s going on and I’ll probably never have all the information for it. But I’ve been reading a lot and from what I DO understand, I’m going to make something very clear because apparently taking a stance is something people are pushed to do and if you want to cut off all ties from me after this, I can’t stop you. But just to go on the record:

I do. not. hate. Santino.

He and Ais created what is probably the best series I’ve ever read. It helped me, in more ways than I will ever reveal and I can never thank them enough for that. If he doesn’t continue 180, I will be heartbroken. If he and Ais discontinue icos, I will be heartbroken. I understand that this is stressful for Ais and confusing and I’m not pressuring her towards any which direction, because this is her life with one of her friends and absolutely none of my business. 

Because I don’t believe everything the haters are saying. When dealing with facts online, I’ve learned it’s nearly impossible to fully fish out what’s true and not true. But one thing I’ve learned as an iron-clad fact is that we live in a society neck-deep in online community and interaction, a society who’s values are based on “guilty until proven innocent”. I’m not just saying that because of what’s going on now. You see it everywhere and it’s disgusting. That’s one reason why you never see anything IRL-related on my blog. It’s one reason why every social media I have is entirely 100% anonymous. 

Finding out about this has not ruined icos for me. If it has, it’s only in the sense of the now very real fear that anything with ICoS is officially ended. And that is downright devastating to me.  

So @thatdudesantino if you’re reading this, know that you still have a supporter in me. Both you and @ais-n do. I don’t know either of you personally, and I guess that’s part of my point too. I don’t know any of the secrets in the closet of anyone in this fandom, and I certainly don’t believe any one person in this fandom is a perfectly decent human being. I know I’m not. Yes, it’s disappointing to hear about something like this but it’s not like I put him or anyone else on a pedestal. I only knew him by the name Santino and the very few facts he revealed about himself. And I didn’t care about anything else. I still don’t care to be honest. 

Frankly, I just glad that he’s alive. I’m not kidding. We haven’t heard from him in  so long then suddenly I start hearing that something bad happened with Santino and Ais certainly wasn’t happy, I legitimately feared that he was dead. So maybe what happened seems less severe to me in light of that relief he isn’t, I don’t know. That, or that he disappeared off the face of the earth. Which still might happen now, but I hope it doesn’t. Because I want to continue reading his work. Again, I still don’t fully understand what’s going on so that may be blindsiding me, but despite his mistakes, his wrongdoings, whether they’re forgivable or not, he is still an amazingly talented writer and I love his writing. Because again, haters make me roll my eyes more often than not. I just can’t believe everything they say, maybe because I stopped believing it so long ago. All this has really done is remind me of the disgust I have for the online world and put me in a bad mood.

I don’t know Santino, no less than how I don’t know Ais. I don’t know what all happened in the past, what he did, what he went through or is dealing with right now. I don’t know what’s all true and what’s not and frankly I don’t give a shit. I love icos, I’m absolutely in love with the world and characters they created. And if Santino’s a shit human being who wrote the series, then he did a good job writing it as a shit human being. I do have more to say about this and what Santino said, but this post would be too long. 

@lomaschingon I did get your message and thanks for checking in even though it’s been months. If there’s anyone left in this fandom who hasn’t jumped ship, I would love to continue loving this series with you. If there is no one left if this fandom, I guess that means one final log off and a long cry.

[b00bstone]

"Talk to me" all the odd #'s pls!

are you the same person that asked about the evens on that other ask? this is long so im putting in a read more 

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

i dont have one? 

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

oh. well. um. i still know them. altho those feelings have subsided quite a lot. theyre confusing af… like when my feelings were the worst they kept giving all these mixed signals. and uuuggghhh. but yeah other than being confusing and dumb at times (all people are) theyre nice. and theyve been there for me through a lot of shit. even tho they didnt have to be. theyre taller than me. theyre chill. and a good friend. 

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

i think it was my 5th birthday. all my other birthdays that i can remember have been a bit dissapointing. my family and my then bestie smelly bellys family went to a park near our houses. and had food. and the thing i remember most was smelly and i were throwing around this weird rubber band thing? and the weather was really great. i mean its california and july… 

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

im insecure about my intelligence and worth. like im dumb af. i always have been. and being smart is kinda held in high esteem…. and im also really insecure about the fact ive never kissed anyone. or dated anyone. or ever gotten asked out on a date. 

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

i like the color my eyes are in the sunlight. sometimes my eyebrows look AMAZING (not today tho :/) and i love it when that happens. my hair sometimes gets a lil curly. i have a nice butt. imo anyway. and i rather like my boobs.

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

i dunno? i had a dream once where the person i was crushing on at the time told me they missed me over and over. and that was nice. 

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time

i imagine it will be very awkward. but hopefully fun. mostly awkward tho. i hope it feels good. for both of us (whoever the other person is). ive always imagined it would be with someone i really really trust or a one night stand. altho with the way my life is going ill probably never have sex. 

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

i dunno. i havent felt content in quite a while so… 

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

i dunno. i dont really know any one irl that i wanna be friends with that im not. i mean i wanna be friends with thomas sanders but i dont know him at all 

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

i was an annoying bitch. also me and my friend smelly had a bit of a falling out. that happens in middle school tho lmao. 

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

for like a date? thats never happened. 

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

okay. so i hope they never read this because i hope theyve forgotten about it. but the first time i ever asked someone out was last fall. i know i know im nearly 18 and it wasnt till last year that i asked someone out? so anyway. our mutual friend monkey was like trying to convince me to ask them out for like 6 months before i did. the person in question had gone through a breakup and monkey wanted them to move on already i guess i dunno. and so like i knew they didnt like me. but then there was this thing and so i was like wiat do they? so i asked them about it. and they were like “no i dont like you” and i was like okay then wtf was all that?!?! and they were like well i guess i didnt realize i liked u and i was like okay???? so would u be willing to date and they were like no not really but they seemed really vagu about it so i was like so wait is that a yes willing to date or no???? it was a no. but anyway monkey continued to bug me to ask them out. so i, being the bumbling baffoon that i am asked them hypothetically if they would date me. they said yes. even tho i expected them to say no. then while i was freaking out about that and trying to think of what to do next they said no. which made me a little upset because if ur gonna say no u should just say it in the first place (dont mess with peoples feelings kids its rude). and so then i got upset and said some mean things and yeah. we went back to being friends.and if they do read this. im sorry dude. really really really sorry. 

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

well smelly is an ex bestie. smelly and i are still friends but not like best friends. shes chill. when we were super close it wasnt exactly a healthy relationship. she was a bit of a bully. i was selfish and went back on my word all the time. but like shes super chill now. she gets in trouble with her mom a lot tho which sucks. 

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

ummmmm im afraid that this is gonna come out sounding like i have a crush on them but i dont. no realy feelings for anyone at the mo. i like pretty all my friends’ hair and eyes. i especially like heathers hair and adis eyes. 

29: Talk about what turns you on.

confidence. like in the new thor movie trailers theres that woman who breaks his hammer like that kinda confidence where u and everyone in the rooom knows ur the biggest baddest thing around like damn son. 

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

it depends on how u die? i mean besides the whole pain thing i think its kinda peaceful. u know u get that feeling of complete and utter contentment and just kinda fade away. i dont know what happens next. but i think thats what the end of dying and beginning of being dead is like. 

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

cry. watch funny things. get on tumblr. try and make myself more miserable. and if it gets to a really bad point ill try and talk to someone about stuff. but i mainly just try and cheer myself up or emotionally wound myself. 

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

i wish i could stop being so afraid if everything. i wish i could stop falling for people that dont and never will fall for me. i wish i could stop being depressed. and easily stressed. 

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

ive already mentioned them twice. i think thats enough times for one post. but they like superheros. a lot. like the amount of enthusiasm you would expect from a 5 year old. it can be adorable. except when ur tired and just want everyone to leave u alone and never speak to u again.they dont like rhe beach. which is something i just cant understand at all. how do u not like the beach! they have kind eyes. and i honestly have no idea how i had such strong feelings for them. theres nothing wrong with them and theyre a really cool person that almost anyone would be lucky to have but like i just like u look at someone through a different lense and its just different. itd be like me trying to imagine having feelings for adi or heather. its just weird. theyre going away to college next fall. which im kinda bummed about but thats mostly because im not going to college this fall except community college. they wanna do something with art orfilms i think. he pronounces my name wrong. sometimes. but sometimes he prnounces it right. we are friends on fb. it says right there on my proflie how to pronounce it. we have talked and i have told him my name. like its not that hard! its like the thing that pisses me off the second most of things he does/has done. 

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

to do well in higher grades u need to understand stuff u learn n elementary and middle school really well. thats all that i can think of thats not really sad and depressing at the mo. 

thanks for asking me all these questions anon! ily  

[anonijus]

I want out.

Out of the Matrix. Out of myself. I don't want to be tracked all the time. I don't want a profile being compiled of everything I buy, everywhere I go, every website I visit...

So I get a new laptop. One not connected to my name. I buy it in a different city. But then does that mean I can only use it in the city I bought it? I bring it back to my home city. I want to go online at one of my favorite cafes, but I realize that would make it easier to deduce whose laptop it is. Especially with how often I use it. I start to mix it up. I frequent cafes I've never been to. I spend more time in cities I would never want to be in. Yeah, that'll throw them off...

I never make a new account with my real name. Pseudonyms only. I never refer to accounts I've used before. I never log back in to Facebook. I tread lightly when it comes to looking up stuff I used to look up so it's not too obvious who I am, based on what types of searches I make. Then, one day, I make a mistake... Damn! I just visited a part of a little known website that only I would go to. Or I searched for a hashtag that only I used before. Too obvious. Start over.

I get an old used laptop from a homeless homie. Not sure if that's secure enough, since he's not a stranger - there's still a breadcrumb trail back to me. Not really, though. What am I so worried about? That they'll corner him in an interrogation center to find out who he gave the laptop to? For what it's worth, our friendship is off the record. We were never friends on Facebook. He doesn't know my last name. It's hard to know what's irrationally paranoid and what's just rational paranoia in an age of totalitarian surveillance.

I can't risk making the same mistake again if I have to buy a new laptop every time, just to feel secure in my anonymity. I start looking into how I can better cover my tracks. I wipe the computer and install a secure Linux operating system. Not the most popular one, though... you never know when a big mainstream project could get infiltrated and compromised. Of course, all these precautions are pointless if everything I'm doing is still being tracked online. Even without making any new accounts to be tracked, all my browsing history is probably passing through the N$As servers. Even if it's not tied to my irl identity, they could still build a profile of all my pseudonyms and browsing history. A statistical analysis of what YouTube videos I'm watching could be enough to make an educated guess at who I am just based on my music tastes...

So I started using TOR-browser whenever possible, for almost all my browsing needs. Again, I avoid old accounts. All new accounts. All new pseudonyms. All new hashtags. Damn, it's like I have to erase my whole existence and start over every time I mess up. New projects. New websites. I forget what projects I was working on two identities ago. How long have I been doing this? How many people have I been? Am I getting anywhere? Isn't this fruitless run-around exactly what the N$A wants? I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels..

The more I learn about security, the less secure I feel. The more you know, the more you know you don't know. The TOR-browser is sweet, but it has been compromised in the past. But it's fine now, right? But it could always happen again... But it's pretty safe, it gets audited by third parties, right? But anything can be compromised, so how can I trust the audit? But no, I'm being too paranoid again. My digital footprint is so small... It's not like I'm running the next silk road. Besides, bit torrents are still going strong, despite the fact it's hard/impossible to avoid being tracked when you use them (as a function of how bit-torrent works).

I remind myself that all I really need to do is stick to best practices and forget about being perfect. I'm not doing anything illegal, anyways... TOR-browser on a secure Linux system should be enough...

But I can't help it, and I start to pick up superstitions from the Swarm. The government can open their own TOR exit nodes, and if they open enough of them, they can start to get a sense of who is doing what in the TOR network. Theoretically. So I start double-checking where my first three connection hops are. The rumor is that if all your TOR hops keep coming out of the USA then the network could be compromised. But that doesn't even make sense... you really think the same N$A who tramples on everyone's constitutional rights is going to be too inundated with legal beaurocracy to just open exit nodes out of foreign countries when they need to? You really think that's above and beyond their capacity? But that doesn't help, now I just feel less sure of my anonymity even if the connections aren't from the USA.

As I learn more about TOR, I realize my footprint isn't nearly as small as I thought. There are holes in my security everywhere. Since anyone can open an exit node, and your connection must go out an exit node any time you access a website that doesn't end in ".onion", I might be giving up my passwords every time I log in. Well, at least I'm using accounts that are relatively unrelated to my irl identity. These are mostly throwaway accounts, anyways. Then I learn about the potential of an attack using end-to-end statistical analysis of bandwidth. Although IP addresses and internet traffic are masked, you can see when someone is using TOR, and you can see how much bandwidth they use. Enough to deduce which TOR connection is connected to which websites if the bandwidth at both ends are closely monitored. (Again, ".onion" websites are safer because your connection won't go through an exit node, so there is no "other end" to match your bandwidth).

On top of it all, my MAC address is probably attached to everything I'm doing... TOR hides the internet traffic, but I bet the N$A still builds bandwidth profiles for every MAC address just in case they can connect the dots at a later date. (That's the address embedded in your hardware, the physical address).

At this point, I start to regret knowing so much about how these technologies work. I know plenty of people who continue to speak freely online, as if there were no surveillance at all. Of course, they also don't question the status quo as much, or as directly. My argument is usually that the surveillance could be influencing them on a subconscious level. It's not that they are so confident and enlightened that it doesn't bother them. Rather, they are simply unaware of the extent to which they are being silenced. But I have to admit, at times, I wonder how much more I could be getting done if I was naive to all of this.

Sometimes I even wonder if Edward Snowden was actually a part of this whole subconscious silencing agenda. A critical component of imposing this so-called chilling effect is to let people know they're being watched. Otherwise we could just continue organizing and resisting as if we weren't being watched. No wonder that news story managed to get paraded around mainstream media outlets, when so many bigger stories get completely censored out of existence. Perhaps it was all part of the plan to implement a panopticon-type of atmosphere where everyone watches themselves. (Note: whether Snowden played into this agenda on purpose or by accident is irrelevant.)

Finally, I start using Tails OS. Something tells me whonix/qubes would be even more secure, and less likely to get compromised, but I settled for Tails for now. It uses MAC spoofing by default, masking the MAC address with a fake MAC address. And the OS is hardened to the point that I don't have to worry so much about viruses and glitches on my own OS. Finally, I feel like I've got a decent setup. I use email addresses that I can access through a ".onion" website. I start frequenting more ".onion" websites to communicate with others, and recede even deeper into the world of the darkweb...

So then, with such a solid OS, I stop worrying about whether or not JavaScript is on... bad move! There's still so much more to uncover. For one thing, I realize that Tails is mostly funded by the government - which doesn't necessarily mean it has backdoors, because they use it themselves and wouldn't want to plant backdoors for their own enemies to use against them, but it is something to consider. Then I learned about "uxdt". Ultrasound-cross-device-tracking. Using ultrasound footprints in commercials and on websites, uxdt can be used to trigger smart phones to gather data about what commercials you've watched so they can continue bombarding you with the same ad on your smart phone. With JavaScript enabled in the TOR-browser, I risk coming across a website that triggers a smart phone to know what website I visited through TOR, which could be enough to backtrack through that TOR sessions activity and link it to me. Theoretically. So I start turning off JavaScript again, or at least turning off the sound on my computer... I hope that works...

My point is... in a world where anonymity was once the default for all Internet usage, these days it seems to be slipping away from me... Perhaps this Tumblr will be my final resting place, to hang my hat, and give up the chase. Not a place to be silent, but a place to speak my mind, despite the risk. A place for all my anonymous loose ends to synthesize into a single identity, for better or for worse. Not that I will quit my anonymous projects altogether, but that I will accept my fate that I may never perfect a completely decentralized, untrackable, unknowable online presence... Even now Skynet is no doubt scanning my words, and building a profile of this pseudonym, perhaps even using stylemetry to figure out my irl identity. But to remain entirely in the dark web doesn't seem like a particularly effective way to spread information and expand consciousness, either, because of the catch-22 that the very people who need to hear more about this kind of stuff are the ones who aren't on the darkweb.

In my lifetime, I've seen technology progress by leaps and bounds. But for whom? And to what end? Must Skynet come to fruition, despite all our warnings throughout the years? Must we settle for an identity-driven Matrix that most people silently long to escape? I remember when computers were new. I remember when my family got our first computer. And over the next couple decades, we went from owning our first computer, to living inside one. We've gone from getting our hands on these cool devices that give us more control to manipulate numbers, data, sound and video, to becoming controlled and manipulated ourselves as components of the machine.

But the original spirit of the Internet lives on. It lives on in me, and perhaps in you, as well. It lives on in the opensource movement. It lives on in whistleblowers and hackers who still manage to maintain some degree of anonymity, and it lives on in groups fighting for the right to internet freedom such as the EFF.

In the early days of the Internet, Anonymous arose quite naturally and organically as a wellspring of information. A channel for an ongoing global conversation about where our world is headed, and how we can shape it for the benefit of all of humanity. It gave people the truest expression of free speech this world has ever known. A chorus of whistle-blowers began, and the world started waking up. At the same time, people were given a break from their egos. We saw what we were capable of when we completely side-stepped our own self-concept, and spoke as a faceless genderless raceless ageless entity. In those days, there weren't even images online yet, and when images did arrive it took a while before anyone was willing to show their face. But now we seem to be moving into the era of "asl", and being shamed off of social media for not showing our faces. Facebook is slowly but surely implementing a "real names" policy and the clearnet more resembles an FBI look-book than an underground movement to unite humanity beyond the superficial personal identities.

But I have trouble believing that this is the direction we want the Internet to move in. It seems more like we're being swept up into a direction not of our own choosing. A chorus of egos, where truth is polluted by identity and self-concept, where personalities clash and conversations stall out, and people care more about who is talking rather than what is being said. I hate to say it, but the surface web is looking more and more like the real world.. a wasteland of bullies and fear, where information is willfully ignored or even violently silenced whenever it is convenient...

But here we all are. The children of Earth. Brothers and sisters of humanity, immediately and intimately hyperconnected through the Internet. It's up to all of Us how we decide to shape our world. So, tell me. What's it going to be?