#and if you can get yourself to fully buy into the absolutely insane framing circumstances a lot of the major overarching plot is good

[blueskittlesart]

is detcon actually good

no <3 hope this helps

[apex-academy]

Chapter 5: Caring Is a Hazard to Your Health (#34)

I guess it’s only been... two years now? A little longer? Geez. But... it’s easy to hustle people at a game when you’re that much younger than them. And when you’re talking dive bar patrons, yeah, they tend to be beyond their teens.

I never should have been there to begin with. What the hell was I thinking, hanging around those kinds of places by myself? Thought I was invincible, I guess. Why wouldn’t I? The money I’d whipped up hopping from place to place before anyone had the chance to recognize me... It was decent. And there’s always something else to buy, something else you’re sure you really need, if you can just get your hands on a little more. That was the only point to any of it, really. It had been a while since anyone actually made decent competition. I had too much practice, or talent, or whatever else, for anything but the hustle to appeal to me anymore. 

At any rate, apparently I’d been at it long enough I’d lost track of exactly who I’d played against already. Maybe I didn’t care. Hey, if they wanted a rematch, go for it. Just more spending money for me.

God, I was stupid.

So. Another dive bar, another day. I was up against some guy and his two buddies. Don’t remember much about the game itself, honestly. Just that the guy got pissed. His friends kind of thought it was funny and kind of were right there with him. I don’t know. Either way, when it came time to pay up, he wasn’t even close to cooperating. Usually when you’re sure you’re that much better than me, it’s time to prove yourself doubling up on another game. Repeat cycle until you either see reason or die of humiliation. Of course there were times people refused to cough it up—anytime anyone with an ego didn’t have enough of an audience to hold him accountable. I let those slide. Had to. What was I going to do, call the cops on them? Yeah, I wasn’t perfectly street legal myself here.

But this guy was furious. I couldn’t even tell what he was actually saying by the end of it. His friends were silent. Not in a pleasant way. Apparently I did have some sense of self-preservation, so I excused myself when I saw a chance. Holed up in the beat-to-hell bathroom for a while, at least gave them a chance to cool down. When I came back out, all of them were gone. Still had a feeling they weren’t as far away as I’d like them to be. Barkeep let me know another way out of the place when I asked. So, cool. No problem. I squeezed through some tiny hallway to the back. Opened the door.

They were right there.

I didn’t have time to react. They grabbed me and hauled me out. Went a little farther, to an alley beyond the range of any functional lights. Beyond the range of anyone who might hear me.

...I’d like to say I don’t remember what happened next. But that’s not true. God do I wish it was, but... I still remember. On days when the world seems like it’s closing in on me. In nightmares, sometimes. Usually not much detail in those beyond the feeling. The exact one.

I can’t describe it. Not just the feeling—any of it, honestly. I know what I mean, but... It’s weird. It just won’t settle into words. Like I’m trying to translate everything into a language I only just started studying.

So, I guess, suffice it to say the ensuing events were bad. Me against three adults. Bad odds. Bad results. 

At least they didn’t kill me. They could have. Could’ve beaten me a whole lot worse if they’d wanted to. I wonder if that would have been better. Not dying—I’m fine without that, thanks—but if it was just a bad beating. Just fists, not hands. And not...

I won’t get graphic. I think you have the brains to connect a few dots without... without me choking myself up even more, geez. I... Sorry. Give me a minute.

Okay. So—Yeah, I know. There’s nothing to apologize for. Not there, either. It was their choices, their actions. Still, they say it’s all a power thing, you know? So it shouldn’t have changed anything if I dressed a little different, but... I have to wonder, if I hadn’t, in my own way, made them powerless first, then...

I know, okay? I know. It wasn’t my fault. That... wasn’t, at least.

I... No, I’m okay. And no, I can get my own damn water, I’m not asking a freaking wheelchair-bound guy to play fetch for—whatever. No. Anyway. I don’t need a break. At this point I should just get it over with.

Yeah, that’s not the end of it, unfortunately. Hah. Ironic to put it like that, when... No. Okay. I’m going in order here. So. I’m left in an alley, middle of the night. Lucky somebody else didn’t come along and kick me while I was down. Took me long enough to get moving. And long enough to actually move. Did you notice I still have a little bit of a limp? Fun fact. Not really fun. I’m... What am I saying? Haagh. Back on-topic.

I wasn’t as insanely stupid as I could have been, at least—I was well out of my town, but I had a friend who lived pretty close by. Not a fun walk, but I made it. Managed to get her attention without waking the whole neighborhood. Her parents were out of town, so she had no trouble letting me in herself. I halfway explained the situation... Not even halfway. Bits and pieces. Wasn’t really coherent. But Saki wasn’t an idiot, and when someone shows up on your doorstep unannounced in the middle of the night, in that state, with torn clothing... She immediately went to the phone—whether to call for police or an ambulance I don’t know. I’ll never know. I stopped her.

I...

...

Just... a minute. I’m fine, just...

...God.

So I... I had a... Haahh. I had a friend who was ready to do what was necessary, but I wouldn’t let her. Absolutely refused, made her promise not to tell, and...

I did everything you’re not supposed to. Ditched the clothes, took a shower, and another one, and another one... It’s a miracle Saki put up with me that night. I guess you’d expect any real friend to... But still.

Would it take a better or a worse friend to go against my wishes and do things the right way? I don’t know. I really don’t know.

I... Where was I? Mmn. No, just... Just a second is all I need.

...Okay. So, um... The night passed. I borrowed some clothes and went home. Got chewed out for once again not telling them I was staying the night at a friend’s. Like to think I would have done that if my phone hadn’t gotten smashed, but the thought never really crossed my mind. No one but myself really crossed my mind.

Yeah, I know. Understandable. Still doesn’t make me feel great. And that’s not even...

Deep breath. No, I’m fine. Really. Or as fine as I can be.

That’s about the same thing I told them. Over and over. It must have been dead easy to know something was wrong, but I kept insisting, and eventually my parents relented. Chalk it all up to some emo phase or something. Moody teenager stuff. I was a complete wreck, actually, but I can’t hold it against them for not seeing that. I was doing my damnedest for them not to see it. I’m still not sure how I held myself together at all the first few weeks after. If I had to guess anything, then it would be... pool, I think.

Yeah. Funny, isn’t it? You’d think I’d never touch the game again after that. But just playing by myself in the basement... I don’t know. It wasn’t threatening. It was just the game. Clean. Predictable. Orderly. Everything my life wasn’t at the time. I was fully in control, and...

And no one else would get hurt for it.

I mean... It’s not like I know. If... if anyone... But... Excuse me.

It’s just... I know it’s not my fault. What happened wasn’t my fault, even if I... Whatever. I know. But after that... I still... I chose not to do anything. It could have made a difference, and I still chose that. Because I—I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted to act like it never happened, move on with my life, just have it over with.

But it’s still not really over. And it’s sure too late to do anything now. Should’ve struck while I had the chance, you know? I could have done something! I could have gotten those shits identified and locked up easy! They sure as hell had their DNA on me! But no, I destroyed everything, ran away, let them get away with it, only thought about myself, and... I...

I...

“I just... can’t stand the thought...”

“...that someone else could have suffered like I have... because... I didn’t do anything.”

...

I... No, I’m fine...

...

I’m not. That’s obvious. But it’s... I don’t need anything. Thanks, but I just... It’s okay.

...

You can say whatever you want. I’ve heard it. Well, read it, mostly. There are plenty of resources out there. I... No. I haven’t. Not properly. I only told one person who I was forced to tell—why would I want to spill it all to a stranger just because they have a nice degree framed on the wall? I’d had enough of thinking about it, over and over and over again. Therapy would just be reliving it week after week for God knows how long, wouldn’t it? It... probably would have been better, yeah. Maybe so. But I just wanted it all to be over. And I figured out how to function without any of that. It’s fine.

Hm? 

...I guess so. Just you and Saki. Don’t ask me why I’m doing this now. I honestly don’t know. Maybe I have wanted to talk about it... But no, I know I haven’t. But here I am, huh? I don’t know. It’s complicated, I guess.

I can say that, but it’ll still bug me. A while back, Mahavir said something about terrible circumstances making you think of other terrible things from the past, or something. Maybe it has to do with that. Maybe I just... I don’t know. More than anything, I want it to be over and past—badly enough to put others at risk!—but I’m sure there’s been more than that keeping my mouth shut. I mean... who wants to be looked at as a victim? Tiptoed around, treated like damaged goods? I got a little of that from Saki. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth. 

Maybe I am still worried about that and just don’t have the energy to care right now. Or maybe I don’t think you’ll be like that? After all, if you’re already dying to protect everyone no matter how capable they are, what difference does it make? Can’t suddenly start acting like I need to go around bubble-wrapped if you’ve already been doing it.

Yeah, yeah, exaggeration. Just don’t look at me like I’m broken now, all right? Though I’m feeling pretty broken today, let me tell you. Haah.

...No? You don’t think so? Good to hear, I guess. We just keep moving along somehow...

What am I even talking about at this point? Why am I still talking?

...Kfffft. Oh, just... You’re not on the receiving end of that very often, are you?

Hahaha!

Wow I think I have actually lost my mind. I... Okay. I’m done now. Hoo. So, uh... Geez. Where do you even go from there? Is there anywhere to go? That’s just about all there is. All that needs to be said. If any of it ever really did. Thanks for listening, I guess.

I... think I’m gonna go grab that water now. You want one?

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