#and it feels stupid and selfish to blame it on myself when realistically I know its not my fault

[syzygyofsuns]

ough

[ghost-of-the-machine]

im so ashamed actually!!!!!!!!!!! so terribly ashamed i feel like the most disgusting person in the world, cuz thats how intense my brain works it thinks like. oh have yr friends ever called furries weird or implied they thought furries were weird? that means they think you are weird which means they basically want nothing to do with you you should kill yourself NOW!!!!!! i said damn bitch!!!!!! god forbid a man be passionate about. things.

it really is just cuz it has nothing to do with them i think thats one of the core reasons, its completely unrelated and i dont think theyd be interested so... do not RISK IT. maybe im selfish, i just.. i cant stand the thought of something i do being unappealing to them, i cant stand the thought of them looking away. any little thing could be a huge thing!!!! could be the worst thing ever actually could be the end of all things could ruin this

do i think being a furry is going to ruin my relationships? realistically, no. why would it? ive ALWAYS been a furry artist, so.. why am i so scared? sorry if you have to see this its very VERY embarrassing but LORD i am not winning the mental illness rn dear god

its like my head constantly makes hurdles for itself, but like. FOR OTHER PEOPLE. like okay.. they dont hate you cuz yr trans, cool cool... they dont hate you cuz yr have bpd, surprisingly!!!! alright. they dont hate you cuz yr fat, right.. but heres this NEW thing, they SURELY will hate you cuz you draw anthros like you are FUCKED say goodbye to everything dipshit. erm........... whats it gonna be next? theyll hate yr taste in fictional men, thatll do it!!! theyll hate yr music taste, theyll hate you for yr mental illness (not that one, the other one. they were fine with that one but THIS one theyll hate you for surely)

it pisses me off too, i KNOW my friends are good people. i dont seriously THINK that of them, i dont think theyre vicious and waiting to toss me away at any turn but... im still scared of it. i said it before, im scared ill be the one to bring that out of them like im somehow SO terrible ill make the best people ive ever met turn on me like that. FOR DRAWING FURRIES? are you actually stupid (yes)

i cant blame myself too much im. doing the best i can im unmedicated untherapied im . IM DOING PRETTY GOOD for someone whos been carrying several weird ailments and still just chugging along, i manage my symptoms when i can i do my best!!! but fighting yr own brain is FUCKING HARD... why is bro sabotaging me? why is it making me impulsive and scared like that? stupid quit it!!!! i got furries to draw i MISS IT SO MUCH I MISS MY GUYS. IM JUST... im a coward!!!!! i cant ever be like. well so what, who cares what they think? ME BITCH I CARE WHAT THEY THINK.. i hear everything they say, i remember all the things they say they like and dont like, and i internalize it subconsciously. they think this is weird and they personally dont like it? alright well you dont have much of an opinion on it OR you do actually like it so thats BAD we need to cut that shit immediately you will feel SHAME for something harmless cuz you think itll make them keep you longer

dont you get tired of it? YEAH i get real fuckin tired of it. so many times ive tried to like.. force myself back into what i love but as embarrassing as it is to admit, in my head their opinion on things is greater than my own. i struggle with putting people on a pedestal and ive actually been doing REALLY WELL with that like no they are my equals they are my best friends i love them i give them kiss but. The Horrors 💀 like i said it all comes out of fear, fear of being rejected and left to DIE ALONE IN THE COLD. do i think thatll ever happen? no!!! but do i fear it? absolutely. its less of like 'i see you as better than me' and more of 'im afraid to disappoint you and make you leave' which i feel like is pretty standard for someone like me

WHATEVERRR i should stop being such a litle bitch about it, ill try. i just hate feeling like everything i do is a test, i hate feeling so unsure about myself, if i move too fast itll shatter. it wont!!!! relax 🙄

[nebulations]

[ID: An Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint comic of Kim Dokja speaking to Yoo Joonghyuk while they both sit in Dokja's hospital bed. Dokja looks down, blushing, and says, "Hey, Joonghyuk. I wanted to tell you something." Joonghyuk looks at him curiously.

Dokja's lengthy internal monologue fills the entire background of the next panel, essentially saying that he's been selfishly holding Joonghyuk back from happiness while blaming himself for hurting him, and that by confessing, Dokja can free Joonghyuk from obligation. Out loud, he only smiles, tenderly and tiredly, and says, "Yoo Joonghyuk, I am in love with you."

The style turns cartoony for a panel as Dokja clutches his chest and thinks, teary but relieved, "This should be enough to get Yoo Joonghyuk to step back..." A sparkle floats beside him as he says out loud, "It was not right to hide it from you." A note adds, "Ah... It hurts a little... 💔" Joonghyuk blushes lightly, emitting an ellipsis.

Then the style goes back to semi-realistic as little hearts and flowers surround Joonghyuk, who blushes while smiling with contentment as he says, "Hm. (Good.)" Dokja, hand still at his chest, flushes hard and says shakily, "... Eh?" He goes, "W... What's with that face?" as he stares with a shocked smile, thinking "Wait wait wait" over and over.

Joonghyuk turns to Dokja, serious and blushing, and takes his hands as he exclaims, "Kim Dokja! How do you feel about a spring wedding? (We should start planning it out now.)" Dokja, blushing hard and stunned, goes, "Huh?!" The final panel is once again cartoony as Joonghyuk stands up, looking excited and determined, and exclaims, "Time to plan a wedding!" Biyoo cheers, "Congrats, Father, Captain!" Dokja is left on the bed, surrounded by woozy spirals and question marks as he mumbles, "Wha? Hu~h?" The mugs they'd been holding lie discarded on the floor.

The bonuses are the entirety of Dokja's internal monologue and an alternate version of panel four. The full monologue reads:

"I have been thinking this for a while, but... Haven't I been selfishly holding Yoo Joonghyuk back from pursuing the love of his life until now? He is such a devoted and loyal man, and he cares for his companions a lot, has suffered so much, and I have been the cause most of the time. This regression and the source of it all. Clearly he has spent so much time chasing after me even through space and time but... He could have had a life. Loved someone, settled down. Instead he had to suffer longer than necessary out of obligation. I caused his regressions and his pain, and he was still fooled into caring for me. He was shackled to me and I was too selfish to want to distance myself all this time, living on borrowed time and too stupid to realize what these feelings even were until now. I have to fix this and set this man free, but if I simply step back, he will never allow me, this stubborn fool. He is too loyal, even to this rotten existence of mine who caused him so much grief. I demanded all his focus and was too greedy... No more, though. I will confess these feelings I holds for him, expose this shameful desire and let him see all of it, and he will be the one to step back and put some distance between us. It will hurt but this is for his happiness and I have already asked for too much as it is. I will grieve and let him go, and I know that despite everything he will still make space for me in his life even then, because he is kind and I am not a good enough person to say no. It will be enough to have him in my life like that. I cannot ask for more when he has given me so much already. This will be my goodbye. Yoo Joonghyuk, please, be happy, even if it's not by my side..."

The rejected panel, which takes place after Dokja says "It was not right to hide it from you," is unshaded. In this version, Joonghyuk smiles at Dokja while blushing and says, "I've been waiting for a long time to hear you say it, Kim Dokja. I am in love with you as well. (Have been for a while.)" Dokja, extremely flustered, exhales a contented-looking spirit and babbles, "Ha haha what." End ID]

Yoo Joonghyuk is now planning to cook the wedding reception meal.

So this stemmed from me realising that most of the time, Kim Dokja in fanfics (or fanart) doesn't quite confess and keeps all of his feelings buried.

I also thought, though, that he would choose the opposite way too -confess his feelings, pretend it to be not as important, not as big, as a way to distance himself from those emotions, ready to take some embarrassment and shame due to the confession in order to feel less pained when inevitably (in his mind) those feelings are rejected.

Takes control of something horrible and shameful for him so it will feel less raw and visceral, less 'i'm being perceived'.

Except he absolutely does not count on Yoo Joonghyuk having feelings back so of course he's blown away by YJH accepting and coveting that confession that he's been waiting forever to hear.

extra: the background from panel 2 since i handwrote that, and a rejected panel.

[infjparadox]

The types I know in real life - as an INFJ

The ISFJ father.  Growing up, he was a bit of a micro-manager, and both of us were so stubborn that our J clashed pretty hard, especially when he pushed me to complete scholarships and laborious things that would benefit my future.  He ALWAYS wanted to do some activity together (sports, outings, family gatherings, etc), and in my teen years, I just valued creative, independent pursuits (he didn’t understand the value in those hobbies at the time - now he’s my cheerleader).  Since graduating college, we’ve become good friends, although he still over-does and over-plans everything.  We share similar values regarding our interpersonal relationships and work, as well as a similar sense of humor, and I can get that intuitive conversation out of him by asking him to tell me stories about his childhood.   He’s a fantastic storyteller. 

The INFP mother.  My mother is a kind (but anxious) woman and a fantastic role model. She’s super creative, but also incredibly introverted.  I remember she’d often tell me to find a way to entertain myself growing up (probably driven mad by my intuitive inquisitions), and that led me to many of my independent hobbies, like drawing, music, and film. (And possibly resulted in a love language of quality time, lol I love attention).  As an adult, I can now claim her as my best friend.  We can talk for hours about the abstract, ideals, and emotions.  I tease her constantly, and we laugh ourselves to tears.  

The ENFJ sister.  Confident, idealistic, and a blogger type.  We don’t get along very well, but I blame it on her not being a very matured or healthy ENFJ (and she’s been diagnosed with OCD, so there’s that).  When she’s in a positive place, we joke that we have ESP because we always have similar thoughts / reactions to interactions (Ni) and we both enjoy a lot of the same hobbies and creative pursuits, but we value those experiences differently.  For example, she loves movies for the emotions and her ability to relate to the characters, while I love them for the storytelling, the script, the cinematography, the character arcs, etc.  She loves people and organizing parties / social events.  She’s also that person on Instagram sharing all the inspirational quotes.   

The ISFP boyfriend.  Charming, easygoing, and well-rounded. Appears as an extrovert to an outsider, but in reality, he just enjoys activities that engage the five senses and his close circle of friends. He’s the absolute best at living in the moment, and he knows how to pull me back to earth and to see the more rational, objective side of things.  Loves working with his hands, and has about 3 million hobbies, from skiing to biking to working on cars to making music to photography.  Sensitive to criticism, but loves playing the devil’s advocate.  Sometimes he can be incredibly impulsive, and other times, he’s hesitant to commit to future plans or big decisions (depends on what his Fi is telling him).  Values authenticity and independence above anything else.  Very capable of deep and stimulating conversation, but does better on lower rungs of the abstract ladder that are rooted in science, physics, conspiracy theories, politics, or something he can contribute facts and real world experience to.  Dislikes conflict and being put in a box.  Other than the INFP, the only other type who does not drain my energy tank.  I’m confident that we’ll be lifelong friends and soulmates, come what may.

The INFP friend.  We clicked instantly while studying abroad, and we were able to talk for hours about anything and everything, while respecting one another’s feelings.  Super easygoing.  He’s one of the best listeners I’ve ever met, and he always asks me questions that feed the conversation.  Musically inclined, authentic, and frustratingly neutral about some of the topics I care about so passionately.  He’s also one of the most aloof people I know -- and he absolutely sucks at communication.  But even though I haven’t talked to him in 7 months, I still consider him one of my platonic soulmates.  

The ENFP bff.  Another soulmate.  A total goofball, selfish at times, but also a martyr when it comes to those she loves.  She’s one of the few people who have truly attempted to understand everything about me and pry me open -- almost to the point that it’s uncomfortable.  Loves talking about emotions (extensively). Judges people based on their zodiac sign, but she’s also incredibly insightful, perceptive, and “street” wise (she learns a LOT from her experiences / mistakes).  She can be flighty though, and her goals change as swiftly as her attention span.  Gotta love her.

The ENTP bff.  A witty friend who will always offer me a stimulating conversation - whether it’s teaching me about historical fashion or exposing me to new concepts and ideas and political theories.  We can talk for three hours straight, but by then I’m incredibly brain-fried (and she could just keep going?!).  Up for a good natured debate whenever - less good natured when someone pisses her off.  I’m fairly certain I’m the only person she is completely honest with about her feelings (she struggles SO hard to open up).  She loves to travel and experience new things, as well as host parties and game nights.  She’s both a planner and a completely "in the spur of the moment” human being.  Hates willful ignorance and stupidity, and does not care about keeping the peace. I disliked her at first for her bluntness and arrogance, but now I love her to pieces.  Soulmate, for sure.

INTJ friend (long distance).  Very, very prickly to others, but warmed up to me instantly.  Arrogant, albeit extremely logical and intelligent.  Loves memes, biology, and good television.  Adores her girlfriend and gushes about her often (one of the rare instances where she’s a total fluff ball).  Kind of a dick, but also very funny and 100% there for companionable silence or intellectual conversation.  Enjoys being in a group of outcasts and detests most people.  We had a lot of weird things in common and joked about being long lost sisters, and I valued her promptness / dependability!  Her negativity kind of wore me out though (we were studying abroad, and she was homesick for most of it). 

The ENTJ boss.  I no longer work for her, but man, what a powerhouse.  Direct and blunt to a fault, but incredibly motivated and ambitious.  Will get things done, no matter what.  Big idea woman, not so great with the details and how her plans will actually (realistically) be implemented.  SO, so organized and anal, and yet somehow kind of a mess.  Surprises me when she’s emotionally vulnerable because she’s incredibly intimidating and intense.  Loves hosting parties and cooking for her coworkers / neighbors.  Those who are close to her know she has a good heart, but she can seem like a total b** to an outsider.

ISTP coworker.  She’s good at multitasking, and yet she runs late constantly.  Intelligent in the way she asks questions for clarity and a better understanding of a concept.  Calm, collected, and logical.  Creative and impressive in her projects (home remodel, upcycling crafts, etc).  Conversation is a bit surface-level at times and mostly centers around her day to day life experiences or family drama.  She’ll often ask me about my life and then tune me out because she quickly grows bored, as do many other sensors, rip T_T.  We’re a good team, though.

These are my personal experiences with / observations of particular individuals whose type I’m confident about, but they do not represent everyone of the same type.  If anything, I think this goes to show the range of personalities within a function stack.

[fandom-thingies]

My Complicated Feelings Toward JK Rowling

I think everyone who’s read Harry Potter and likes to talk has written something like this by now. It makes sense, right? She wrote possibly the most influential book series to come out in the last century. For me and many others, those books are an unforgettable part of our childhoods, and it hurts for the person who took us on such a journey of magic and wonder to be so unmagical herself.

So, here’s my take.

I think the thing I hate most about JK Rowling is how close she came to greatness.

There’s a reason her books became so popular, after all. For all her faults, (and there are many) she’s an amazing writer.

Every one of her characters feel like they could walk off of the page at any time and into your life. 

Dudley Dursley with his absorption of how his parents treat Harry and how his friends treat him, with his slow growth throughout the books into a person beyond who he was raised to be.

Molly Weasley with her overbearing mother henning, sometimes harmful but oh so clearly coming from a place of love, and her complete willingness to adopt any child that stands still long enough for her to do so. (Except Fleur)

Narcissa Malfoy with her belief in the horrible things she’s doing, without that stopping her from being entirely willing to do anything for her child.

Sirius Black with his tendency to unintentionally echo the sentiments he was raised with, and the tragedy of him losing his chance to ever truly grow as a person after being thrown in Azkaban for twelve years and then dying so soon after, and his complete, unconditional love for Harry.

I could write essays on any of them, and my point is that while JK’s treatment of certain issues and characters makes me want to hate Harry Potter, her characterization itself is both consistent and magnificently human.

Her world, too, is beautiful.

I first read Harry Potter before I turned eleven, and I was one of many across the nation who awaited my letter with eager anticipation. 

Can you blame me? The world she created filled so many children with wonder, made so many of us want so badly for magic to be real, to be ours- 

It was beautiful, and I hate her for what she could have been.

She had this fully realized system of prejudice that canonically created genocidal maniacs and put them in power every two generations or so, and she had this very realistic way of writing horribly flawed people that pronounces them as people without exonerating them for the awful things she’d have them do, and I can’t help feeling like “the horrors of war”, as well as she wrote it, wasn’t the story her world deserved.

But that’s a big idea to tackle, and I think it will be tackled best if I start small. I’ve spoken now of the beauty of her world, of her characters. Now I’ll speak of what marrs it.

Like I said, I want to start small.

So, let’s talk about the house elves.

TL;DR? Hermione was right. They’re indoctrinated from birth into believing the only thing they’re good for is housework, as well as being raised to abhor any elf who chooses to do otherwise. It’s a neat little self perpetuating system that bears absolutely no similarity in ideology to the mythology JK built it off of, and as such loses the aspect of choice that’s so significant to brownies.

Add to that the socially acceptable abuse, and you’ve got something that looks far more similar to slavery than it does little fairies who come to clean your home and get mad if pay them because they’re doing it as a favor.

And that’s why it’s so concerning, when JK brushes Hermione’s campaigning off in canon so casually.

It’s honestly hard to say when I started to be leery of JK Rowling, except that it was several years before the TERF scandal occurred. I think this was probably one of the earlier areas, though.

The first time I remember wondering if Harry Potter’s greatnesses were in spite of her intentions, rather than because of them, though, wasn’t the house elves.

It was, rather, a different contentious issue in the fandom, and one I’ve always fallen quite firmly to one side of, as someone who’s been bullied myself.

The first time I remember being suspicious of JK’s beliefs was when I realized she didn’t write Snape with the intent for him to be a villain.

Snape is not a person anyone in the fandom seems to be able to agree on. Some see him as a flat, cartoony villain, while some see him as a tortured soul who only did all those terrible things because he was hurting inside, don’t you see? 

Personally, I drew the line at him being a child’s boggart, as well as the time he attempted to kill Neville’s toad, Trevor, because seriously; what the fuck.

It had always been my belief that while him being obsessed with loving Lily motivated him to work on the side of good, it was more like Narcissa’s willingness to betray her cause for her son than anything else, being a sympathetic trait without absolving his cruelty.

Then I realized that a bunch of people (likely including JK) view Narcissa similarly to how they view Snape, seeing both as people who do bad but are good, rather than people who do good but are bad, and I honestly don’t know what to say to y’all.

You know having good traits doesn’t make a person good, right? Being capable of affection doesn’t absolve people of cruelty or make it your responsibility to forgive them and try to get them to change, it just tells them that they can do bad things without being punished for it. 

Do you guys need an abuse hotline? 

Anyway, that’s when I stopped liking JK, since I’ve been bullied myself and seeing her treat such a horrible bully as a good person kinda soured me on her. I’m not mad at her for letting her bullies grow and change- I love Draco’s and Dudley’s character arcs. I’m just mad at her because unlike those two, Snape is an adult and she kinda wrote it like forgiving him was an expectation of Harry, rather than a personal choice (and not an easy one either! Forgiving bullies is hard and it’s not always healthy!)

I’m getting off topic, but I genuinely believe that discussing this kind of thing is important, so I’m leaving that in.

Getting back to what this is actually about, I’m the kind of person who sees potential in things, often before I see the work itself, (it’s why I write fanfiction) and Harry Potter has so much potential it hurts, because so much of it is just wasted.

I said, earlier, that “the horrors of war” wasn’t the story best suited to this world, and I stand by that.

The first reason I believe that is because I don’t think that the black and white morality this kind of narrative often creates was well suited to JK’s writing style. JK has a tendency to put her characters in boxes of “good” or “bad” and as someone who doesn’t really believe in inherent goodness or evil, this will always feel unrealistic to me.

Because in the end, it’s JK’s minor villains, the ones not directly involved with Voldemort’s war, that really shine.

My favorite villains in the series were Umbridge, the Dursleys, Draco Malfoy, and Cornelius Fudge, because they were the villains who felt real, who felt like flawed people making flawed decisions because we’re all fundamentally products of our environment-

These are the villains who stuck with me, who I still want to take and shake because they were the kind of cruelty we’ve all faced.

Voldemort, as the main villain of the story, would have been more powerful if he’d been an amplified version of these people. In fact, the story would have been better in general if Fudge or Dumbledore had been the villain, because the problem with Voldemort is that unlike the good villains in this story, who feel real because we’ve all met people like them, Voldemort is and will always be larger than life.

A genocidal maniac is a villain few of us have faced societally, and one none of us have faced directly.

Also, rather than being a worse version of Umbridge or Fudge, Voldemort is more akin to a worse version of Snape. He’s a tortured soul who does bad things because bad things were done to him, rather than being cruel through his choices, his own agency.

That’s the first reason why “the horrors of war” wasn’t the best choice of a narrative for this world.

The second is that I don’t think JK sees anything wrong with her muggle hating characters.

She clearly thinks killing muggles is wrong, of course. She’s not that bad.

But, well, the muggle characters in Harry Potter are consistently kind of awful.

First there’s the Dursleys, selfish, entitled, egotistical, and cruel to anyone different from them. Then there’s Snape’s muggle father, who was horribly abusive, as well as cruel to anything different from him.

Then there’s the muggle prime minister, who despite being an important figure, is left completely out of the loop for anything concerning wizards, pretty much only used when the ministry needs the muggle news to say or do a certain thing, like when Sirius Black was declared a criminal.

There’s also the family at the quidditch world cup, of whom who only meet the patriarch, a somewhat stupid man who remarks uncomprehendingly on the oddness of wizards trying to assimilate into muggle society, a man who is canonically obliviated ten times a day.

And that’s it, that’s all the muggle characters I can remember. Aside from the Dursleys, none of them are given more than a page or so of screentime, and none of them do anything significant.

No, wait, I did actually forget two.

Hermione’s parents, who are obliviated and sent to Australia when the war starts, because the only thing they could ever do in a war is be victims.

Muggles in Harry Potter are consistently stupid, ineffectual, and cruel to anyone different from them.

Out of the entire massive cast of Harry Potter, there are few enough muggles that I can list them all off the top of my head without googling and the only muggle in the story ever given the all important chance to be kind is Dudley Dursley, who is taken out of the story the moment he stops being an awful person.

I’m sure you see the problem.

The issue with Harry Potter is that JK acts like the problem is solved when muggles are no longer being actively persecuted, when in reality that’s only the beginning of solving the prejudice that plagues her world.

Voldemort is frequently called “wizard Hitler” and I think that’s more accurate than people realize, because as with Hitler, people easily see the problem with Voldemort committing genocide, and they’re fine with working to stop that, but the moment they’re asked to examine their own biases, their own small cruelties and exclusions, the ten thousand cuts they’ve inflicted with their own hands…

The moment people are asked to examine themselves, to look close at the mirror and point to what allowed someone like Voldemort to gain a following in the first place, they turn away and go back to turning a blind eye to the fact that if you don’t address the societal issues that made him gain a following in the first place, there’ll just be another when it’s been a few years and people have forgotten.

In the end, Grindlewald is wizard Hitler. Voldemort and the death eaters are wizard neo nazis.

I’m not Jewish, though, so I’ll let them be the ones to expand further upon this, as many have.

My point here is that JK’s story would have been more powerful if it had been about addressing the issues that underpin the death eaters, rather than killing their leader and acting as if that’ll solve anything.

JK Rowling is antisemetic, racist, and a TERF, among other things, and while I’m glad it shows in her work as little as it does, it does show, and I’m not going to cover that in this because a thousand other people have covered it better than I ever could.

Suffice to say, I’m nonbinary, and I’m glad I was disillusioned with her before I knew she was prejudiced directly against me, because loving her before she said the things she said and did the things she did would have hurt.

The fact that her world shows so clearly the consequences of her beliefs, even in the context of a prejudice that doesn’t exist in our own world…

I guess she’s always been too good a writer for her own good, in the end.

[hemmingslftv]

Reuniting // M.C. - chapter two

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: drug recovery and drug use, pregnancy and abortion mention, 

Not requested but requests are open

A/N: hi guys! I need to say I’m not too happy about how this one turned out. I had the idea in my mind for so long that I feel like it is so hard to put it into words now. I feel like this isn’t as realistic as I want it to be but I’ve been stuck here and I feel like I owe you a chapter. I may edit this one later or maybe not. Also there may be some typos, I’m sorry about that. Please tell me what you think about it, feedback is very appreciated. Enjoy!

Masterlist

You had spent the last 20 minutes pacing around your house. You didn’t remember a time when you had been this nervous since the day Jake was born. As soon as you heard de doorbell you ran to open the door.

“Hi”, Michael said as you opened it.

“Hey, come inside”, you said feeling a little bit awkward and once you had closed the door you took him on a quick tour around your apartment.

“You and Jake have a nice home, it’s big but cozy at the same time, I like it”

“Thanks! Let’s sit on the couch, I guess I owe you an explanation” you sat facing each other and you took a deep breath trying to figure out how to explain everything that had happened since you two broke up.

“I just don’t really know where to start”, you said, feeling overwhelmed by the situation and covering your face with your hands.

“Hey, you’re shaking. Calm down, it’s just me, okay? You don’t owe me anything, just tell me whenever you’re ready” Michael said as he rubbed your back but instead of calming down you started crying. It wasn’t even a loud cry, tears started to leave your eyes because you finally felt like you weren’t alone in this anymore and you were afraid he would leave again after you spoke. 

“It’s fine, y/n, cry it out” he hugged you tight and you stayed in that position for almost 20 minutes until you could speak normally again. It surprised you how familiar his touch felt even after all this time and how it made you feel at home.

“I’m so sorry, I’m sure you have somewhere better to be”, you said as you sat back in the original position and wiped away the tears left in your cheeks.

“Don’t be sorry, this must have been very hard for you. I’m the one who should be sorry. And I canceled everything for today, I really don’t think there’s anything more important than this”

“But you just released an album, aren’t you supposed to be doing interviews and stuff? I don’t want to harm your career in any way”

“Don’t worry about that it’s just one day and besides, I’m in a band, remember? There are three other guys to take care of things. Just relax, don’t think about any of that. This is what’s important now, okay?” you nodded.

“The thing is that it won’t be just a day and being honest I’m so scared you’ll leave after I tell you but if that’s your decision I guess it’s fine, I can do this alone, I always have and I can’t ask you to do anything after almost 3 years” Michael placed his hand on your chin and lift it up softly.

“I’m not leaving, do you hear me? I’m here now. Start from the beginning and just speak, you’ve always been good at explaining things” you took one last deep breath and started speaking.

“Okay. You know I always respected your decision. When you cut me off your life I knew you were doing it because you needed to, it was the healthy thing to do, we weren’t good for each other at that time. And I want you to know that even after everything that’s happened I think you did the right thing so don’t blame yourself. I mean, look at you! You’re more healthy and handsome than you’ve ever been and that’s what you deserve!” Michael blushed at your words and you couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh my god, Michael! There’s no way you still haven’t gotten used to compliments, you’re a superstar!”

“You know I’m shy! That will never change” he said laughing with you.

“Fair enough. Well, so as I said, this is not your fault, I know you tend to feel guilty about a lot of things and I don’t want you to feel bad about this, okay?”

“Okay, I’ll try not to feel bad”

“Perfect. So, as you told me to and as I’m sure you remember since that was the only time you hadn’t been high in more than two weeks, I packed all my stuff and left your house before you came back from that promo trip” he nodded. 

“I went back to live with my parents until I found a new place and then I moved here. I remember it as if it was yesterday. The second night I slept here, when I went to bed I checked my phone as I always do and I had a notification from my period app that said it was late by one week. I thought it probably was because of the stress with the breakup, the move, and everything and so I decided not to think much about it, it wasn’t the first time it had happened.

I kept myself busy with university and I found a job at a bar so I had less free time, I didn’t want to think about us much. It was really hard for me to understand that we were done and I couldn’t call you when I was feeling down or talk to you about things. Also, I had to find new friends and I’m sure all your friends hate me now because I left without an explanation but it was the best thing for you to not have me around anymore so I knew I had to do it”

“I really am sorry about that. I shouldn’t have asked you to distance yourself from them, they were your friends just as much as mine. You must have missed the girls so much, you and Kaykay were practically sisters... that was so selfish”

“Michael, I said it’s okay. I understood why you did it. The thing is that I was trying so hard to focus on other stuff that I was so busy I didn’t realize I never had my period that month. So the next month when the app warned me the next one was supposed to come in two days I literally panicked. I didn’t know who to call because I wasn’t that close to my new friends yet so I just cried myself to sleep on the kitchen floor. The next morning I bought a pregnancy test and, as you probably can guess, it was positive. I can’t put into words everything I felt at that moment. I was terrified because I didn’t wanna go through a pregnancy and raise a child all by myself and also because I hadn’t planned it and you know I always plan everything. I’m not gonna lie, the first few days I seriously considered having an abortion but eventually, I decided I was ready to be a mom and I knew I could financially take care of the baby and give him a great life and you know I always said I wanted kids so I figured it had just come a little earlier than I expected but that it was fine.

Once I had decided I was gonna have the baby I called you, and I knew you weren’t gonna pick up the phone but I said to myself I had to at least try. You obviously didn’t pick up so I called my mother instead and she was the most supportive person ever since the first moment she knew. So that’s how things went I guess” 

“Why didn’t you come to see me? You knew I had deleted your number but you could have told me in person”

“Michael you literally told me, and I quote “I don’t want you around anymore, I’m hurting you and that’s the last thing I want to do. I would never forgive myself if things escaleted more than they did last night and I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m gonna get help, I promise. And if I ever feel strong enough I’ll find you and we can try this again. I’m begging you to let me go and don’t ever contact me again. Please forgive me, I love you” and left the house. That was the last time I ever talked to you”

“No, I know that, but I never thought about the possibility that you were pregnant!”

“Me neither, but I was. And all I did was respect your decision”

“You could have come to me, you know I would have taken care of you and the baby”

“I know you would have, and that’s why I didn’t tell you. You needed to focus on yourself so you could be a great dad, and that’s what I told myself”

“But you took away my choice, you decided for me!” Michael said standing up and raising his voice.

“Are you yelling at me right now? You can’t be serious” You stood up too and started yelling back at him too with tears filling your eyes.

“You have no idea how hard it is for me to know that Jake could have had a father but I chose for him not to. I always thought you’d show up someday, you know? Throughout the whole pregnancy and even his first year, every time I got a call from a random number or a knock on the door I expected to find you on the other side. Because YOU told me I needed to give you time to heal and you’d come looking for me when you were ready. So I decided based on your own words that Jake could wait a year for his father if that meant you’d be better for him, for me, and for yourself. But you never showed up. So you don’t get to tell me I’ve taken your choice because this was all your decision”

“I just”

“No, you just what? You have no idea how painful it was to accept you weren’t coming back. And it was even harder because I saw you on the news, I heard you on the radio and every time it felt like I was the bad one for keeping Jake a secret but I had to remind myself that it was you who asked me to literally never contact you again”

“You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry. I guess I’m still processing everything and it just hurts to know that I haven’t seen him grow up and I’ve lost the first years of his life because of the stupid addiction”

“Believe me. I get that. And I am sorry about it but what was I supposed to do? You had finally decided to get help and I couldn’t be the one to ruin that”

“You did the right thing, I’m sorry. I couldn’t thank you enough for everything you’ve always done for me. I’ve thought about reaching out to you a million times but I thought you probably hated me after everything I put you through, especially that last night. God, you should hate me! I convinced myself you had probably moved on and you deserved someone who would treat you better so I tried to forget about you” Michael confessed in a more quiet tone and sitting back on the couch.

“I don’t hate you Michael, I want you to know I forgive you. You weren’t yourself, those were the drugs talking and I know you would have never done any of that sober”

“But still, it never should have happened. Earlier, when you let me hug you, I felt so relieved because I didn’t know if you’d be comfortable with me touching you ever again. I am so deeply sorry” his voice cracked and this time it was you hugging him and rubbing his back.

“We’re past that now, okay?” you said once he had calmed down.

“Does he know who I am?” Michael asked.

“What?”

“Jake. What does he know about his father?”

“Oh, at first I didn’t talk to him about you because I didn’t know what to say but my mother convinced me it was important for him to know from a young age just so he wouldn’t be confused. So I told him you were a musician and that you were on a really long trip but you would eventually come back. My parents have always helped me a lot with him so he has never been lonely and he didn’t ask about you until recently. But the past few months he has been saying he wanted you to come back”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I think it is because he’s noticed how in kindergarten most kids have two parents and he has just one around” 

“Do you want me to be around, y/n? I mean, I imagine this can be a lot of change, going from single parent to us being two but I want to be there for him. I want to take care of him but I feel like this should be a decision we have to make together, I can’t just come into your lives without permission after being gone for so long. So I’m asking you if I can, please, be in your life again” you stared into Michael’s eyes and you knew he was being sincere, you could tell he really wanted this and how serious he was about it.

“Yes, of course. I’d love for you to be Jake’s dad and I’m sure he’ll like you”

“Thank you so much. I promise I will never let you down again. However, I need to say I don’t know how to be a parent. I’ve always been good with kids but they weren’t mine so I don’t know”

“Don’t worry about that, just be you and it will come as an instinct. You know it will take most of your time, right? I mean, this is not like taking Rose for a walk or something, you need to be here for him all the time. If you come into his life you need to promise me you will stay, okay?”

“I promise, I want us to be a family. Do you really think he’ll like me?” Michael asked with a hopeful tone on his voice.

“I’m so sure he will, you two have a lot of things in common”

“Oh, we do?”

“Yep, he loves videogames, just like his father”

“Really?” Michael said getting more and more excited about all of this making you giggle.

“Yeah and he also loves your music”

“He’s listened to our music?”

“Of course! I didn’t say I liked your music because you were my boyfriend, I really love it so I listen to it and also I wanted him to have you a little bit closer”

“That’s so sweet of you, you’re amazing” you smiled at his words.

“Do you know what else you have in common? You’re middle name”

“You did not!”

“Oh yes, I did. I hadn’t even thought about it until I was registering the name but I guess it was the hormones or something and I thought since he didn’t have your last name he should have your middle name”

“Jake Gordon, oh my god poor boy!”

“I know!” you said and you both started laughing.

“So, is it okay if I stay for lunch and I spend the afternoon getting to know him?” Michael asked after a few minutes.

“I think it would be better if I talked to him first. As you saw yesterday, he’s a shy kid and I believe it will be easier for him if I prepare him. You may have to be patient, it takes him a while to be comfortable around new people”

“Oh, that’s okay, I get it, I was a shy kid too” Michael said but you noticed a sad tone on his voice, you could tell he was disappointed he had to wait one more day to spend time with Jake.

You and Michael spent the rest of the morning talking about how your lives had changed these past few years and you showed him pictures and videos of Jake. When it was time he left and you agreed he would come again the next afternoon. You didn’t want to get your hopes up because you had been waiting for this moment so much time it didn’t even feel real but you were too excited about Michael being around you couldn’t help it and you started imagining how things would be from now on. 

[fanaticalthings]

Dance With Me

AO3 Link

Destiel 15x09 Coda

It’s over.

They’d defeated God himself. They were free at last— free to be whoever they wanted to be— free to do whatever.

Sam seems content, and so does Cas. And for a split second, everything felt fine.

But Dean knew better than to believe everything was alright.

Chuck was gone, but there was now another problem that needed dealing with— the Mark.

Dean should’ve stopped him. He knew he should have. But deep down, he felt a disgusting amount of relief at the thought that he would not have to bear the Mark of Cain again.

Dean’s sitting in the kitchen with a glass of whiskey in hand when Cas walks in.

He looks tired, but when his eyes land on Dean, they soften.

“Are you doing okay?” Cas says.

Dean almost wants to laugh, but all he manages is a weak grimace. He knew firsthand what the Mark did to you— how it twisted you into someone you weren’t. Cas shouldn’t have been worried about Dean. He should have been worried about himself.

Cas must notice Dean’s inner turmoil because he grabs the chair next to Dean and sits down.

“I think I should be the one asking you that, buddy,” Dean says.

Cas looks at Dean with so much affection that it hurts. Dean doesn’t deserve those looks.

“Please don’t blame yourself for this, Dean. I chose to bear the Mark and I would do it again if it meant you never had to suffer its effects again,” Cas says this with so much certainty that it scares Dean.

This angel was willing to sacrifice so much for him. Falling from heaven, killing his own brethren, rebelling against the one thing he was made to serve and all for what? For one human?

It makes Dean realize how stupid he was for taking Cas for granted all those years.

“Cas, I’m scared.”

Dean feels vulnerable expressing his feelings so freely with Cas, but after everything that’s happened in purgatory, he realizes that it’s time to suck it up and stop running away from his emotions. He may not get any more moments like this with Cas in the future.

“I know,” Cas says. He doesn’t reassure Dean.

Deep down Dean was hoping the Mark wouldn’t affect Cas like it did for himself. He hoped desperately that maybe Cas’ grace would help him.

He knew better than to believe that.

The thought of Cas turning into a blood-thirsty killer makes his stomach churn. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. They’d gotten rid of Chuck, they should’ve gotten their happy ending, they shouldn’t be dealing with more problems, they shouldn’t-

“Dean,” Cas says softly. His eyes convey an infinite amount of sadness.

He intertwines his fingers with Dean’s as if to let him know he’s still there— that he won’t leave.

“We’ll look for something, Cas,” he says. “Maybe we could find a cure this time.”

Cas looks unconvinced, and frankly, Dean feels pretty unconvinced too.

They’d tried so hard to find a solution before— back when Dean was the bearer of the Mark. Chances are if they tried looking again, the results would be the same.

Cas’ grip tightens around his hand.

“Dean, if I start turning, promise me you’ll stop me. Do whatever it takes to stop me.”

Dean’s heart starts to clench in pain. He avoids looking into Cas’ eyes.

“Please,” Cas almost whispers. “Don’t let me become a monster.”

Dean drinks the rest of his whiskey and chances a glance at Cas. He seems eerily calm— like he’s already accepted what’s to come.

But Dean would do whatever it takes to keep Cas with him. He’ll try his damn hardest to fix Cas before giving up. At the moment, though, he can only reassure.

“Ok,” Dean reluctantly relents. “I promise.”

Cas offers him a small smile, but Dean doesn’t feel any better.

“Just-” Dean begins. “Just…Stay with me…For a little while longer.”

Blue eyes meet his, and Cas leans in closer.

“Of course, Dean.”

~~~~~~

It’s not okay.

Dean desperately clung to the hope that the Mark wouldn’t affect Cas— wouldn’t take him. But it was clearly hopeless.

He’d spent months looking for a possible cure. Nothing.

Little by little, Dean could see Cas’ sanity slip through the cracks.

He wanted to brush it off at first—play it off as just Cas getting restless from always being cooped up in the bunker.

But Cas would only get worse.

It was just small incidents in the beginning— Cas impulsively smiting a vamp they were interrogating— Cas recklessly running into a werewolf nest.

Dean hoped it was just simple frustration and impatience after the monsters started increasing in numbers.

It wasn’t. Dean knew and so did Cas.

It was the last straw when Cas nearly killed a group of high school girls, claiming that they were in the way of solving the case.

When they returned to the bunker, Cas took Dean aside.

“It’s changing me,” he says. Even now, those blue eyes don’t look like they belong to Cas. They look remorseful, but they hold a murderous intent.

“Cas-”

“You have to stop me.”

Dean didn’t want it to have to come to this. It was all he really had left— clinging to a fraying string of false hope to keep him going.

“You have to stop me,” Cas pauses “or I’ll end up killing you.”

Cas says it with so much conviction— so much confidence.

Dean believes him.

“I don’t wanna lose you, Cas. Please,” Dean whispers.

The space between them lessens, as Cas grabs Dean’s hand.

“You know what you have to do.”

Dean knows. He’s known what he’s had to do from the very moment Cas took on the Mark. He knows, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. He doesn’t want to accept that he’s losing a bit of Cas every day. They can’t lose this battle.

“You can’t go dark side on me, Cas. Not yet.”

Dean drops his head to lean on Cas’ chest. He can hear the faint heartbeats of the angel. It grounds him. It makes him remember that they’re real— that Cas is still here with him— that he hadn’t flown away with his invisible wings just yet.

“Just…Please….Stay with me, for a little while longer,” Dean pleads.

Cas, ever loyal, stays with him.

“Of course, Dean.”

Dean knows what he has to do. He has to lock Cas away. He has to build a ma'lak box.

——-

On rare days, Cas is able to fight the mark and stay himself but even those days are dwindling. Dean doesn’t know how much longer he can stall.

He’d finished building the ma'lak box some time ago. But Dean was selfish. He didn’t want Cas to leave just yet. He didn’t want Cas to leave at all. But Cas grows more restless, more angry, more dangerous.

Dean doesn’t know how much time he has left with him. Not much left, that’s for sure. He’s so frustrated that he sometimes takes it out on Sam. They fight about the Mark. About how there is no cure, about how this is going to end. But Dean is tired, and the fight leaves him as quickly as it had arrived.

The worst almost happens. Cas nearly kills Sam during a case in Illinois. They were investigating a series of bizarre murders. It started off normal. Well, as normal as things could get in their lives. But one disagreement from Sam sends Cas flying off the edge in a blind rage. It happens so quickly in front of Dean that he doesn’t react fast enough. Cas has got Sam pinned beneath him in a stranglehold.

Dean pleads for him to stop, yells for Cas to snap out of it. But Cas doesn’t listen. And Dean believes he would’ve gone through with it, had Dean not reached out to touch Cas’ shoulder.

In a swift movement, they’re face to face. Cas’ eyes suddenly soften, but only for a brief second before they widen in terror. He looks down at Sam and frantically backs away from the brothers.

“I’m sorry,” he simply states in a broken voice before disappearing.

They finish the case without him.

——–

Once Dean patches Sam up, he goes to his room to turn in for the night. They don’t talk about what happened.

He doesn’t feel like sleeping. Hell, he hasn’t been sleeping much at all lately.

Instead, Dean sits on his bed and prays. Prays to Cas.

“Cas, I don’t know how much longer I’ve got with you, man, but please…please come back. Come back home. I need to know you’re alright. I need to know that you’re still you.”

A pregnant silence fills the room, and Dean almost believes that Cas won’t show up, until he hears the familiar beat of wings.

Cas stands in front of him. But he doesn’t look okay.

The angel in front of him looks so lost, so broken.

“Dean,” Cas speaks quietly.

Dean stands up and reaches forward to pull him into a tight embrace. Cas barely hugs back.

“I can’t stop it anymore,” Cas relents.

His once vibrant blue eyes now reveal a lack of motivation. They show that the man behind those eyes had given up. They both know they aren’t winning this battle.

“Do it now, Dean. While I’m still myself.”

Dean feels tears start to trail down his cheek. He clings to Cas tightly, but Cas pulls away.

“You have to, Dean. Lock me away. Send me to the ocean.”

Dean wants to scream at him, to lash out and blame Cas for not trying hard enough to fight the Mark, but it’s hopeless. He knows it is. But that doesn’t stop him from feeling guilty. It should be him locked in the ma'lak box, it should be him dealing with the consequences. Not Cas, definitely not Cas.

Dean doesn’t say anything. Instead, he stands up and turns on the radio.

They let the hum of the music fill the silence of the room. Dean closes the space between them. Cas lets him.

“Dance with me,” Dean says.

Cas stares at him but must see the sadness in Dean’s eyes because he agrees without a fuss.

They intertwine their fingers and hold each other like it’s the last night on Earth. They don’t really dance. They just sway around, really. But for a moment, Dean can pretend that this was the happy ending they deserved. No more monsters, no more fighting, no more Mark. But those feelings quickly disappear when he feels the presence of the ma'lak box.

Realistically, it’s rooms away from them. But Dean can feel it’s weight burning holes through the walls and floors to remind him that it’s never over. It really hits Dean that this is it. End of the line for him and Cas. So he says the words he’s been meaning to say for so long now.

“I love you.”

It’s so quiet that Dean thinks Cas might not have heard him. But he does. He always does.

Cas looks right into Dean’s eyes and cups his face. He’s smiling sadly.

“I wish we could’ve done this under different circumstances,” Cas murmurs.

“Me too.”

All of a sudden, they’re kissing. It’s soft and gentle and full of unimaginable sorrow. Cas embraces Dean like he’s the most important thing in the world.

And he is in Cas’ eyes.

“I love you, too.”

Dean starts to sob. This can’t be happening.

“You stupid son of a bitch,” Dean says, but there’s no venom in it— just hopelessness.

“I know,” Cas whispers back.

They continue to rock back and forth to the music. None of them wanting to admit what happens next.

“Stay with me, for a little while longer,” Dean chokes up.

Cas’ grip on him tightens.

“Of course, Dean.”

The radio drowns out the silence as a new song starts to play. They lament together.

I.. Can't….Help….Falling In Love…With…You….

They lose the battle.

[svnarintaro]

clearing things up [not an imagine]

this is a long post responding to anons who are really frustrated and want answers so here it is on one big post :)

some of the things i will be talking about might be triggering so i will put in a TW on the specific paragraphs 

matchup frustration ://

i honestly am considering to never do matchups again :( 

let me just be clear 

i do not hate any of the people that have been requesting matchups, these are just things that have been on my mind all the time that kind of makes me want to close matchups for a long time

and that all of the matchups come in the order that they come to me in 

like don’t get me wrong i love to do them for you guys and they are fun to do at milestones but what really makes me frustrated is when people refuse to read the matchup rules that i put,,

like i put the guidelines there to make it more personal and a specific reason that i mention so many times on the matchup rules 

i am against matching up minors with adults 

that just makes me really uncomfortable to even think about and it really puts me on edge whenever i don’t get an age or a specification on wether or not the person is a minor 

i just have an issue with that and i usually get triggered from that :”)

another thing that just personally annoys me 

it usually just makes me annoyed when a large portion of the info i get is their looks :/ 

i can only think of a few instances in which i actually used looks in the matchup

idk i go off of vibes and given personality, and all the things that i have mentioned in the matchup rules. 

i can’t go off of much when the only bit of info that is given to me is that the person likes animals 

i can only assume and that is something i never want to do about a person that i don’t really know so i hope that people kind of learn their lesson when they see that their matchup is shorter than others 

~~~

why i don’t write chubby/curvy s/o fics

TW: eating disorders 

please read at your own risk 

okay this is a really sensitive topic for me

i am a person who only recently recovered from my own battle with anorexia and i have a very bad body dysmorphia issue. (i have already gone to rehab and gotten professional help so i am completely fine) 

i am very critical of my own body. 

this is an issue for me whenever i write anything touching on the subject of body types. 

this may sound selfish and stupid but i usually write imagines off of the things that i experience to make them feel a little more realistic so to make this easier when i plan for a fic i usually imagine myself as y/n. 

the issue i have with this type of writing is because all my life i was constantly called fat, chubby and all the given synonyms by my own parents and they were the main reason of my own eating disorder. 

these words get me to think negatively about my own body and when i even tried to write about it, all i could think about was my parents and their rude comments towards that community. 

i barely got through one character but i couldn’t do it. 

i just can’t write about people lifting another person up about their doubts about their body when i have never had that myself. 

this seems like an excuse to not write but to be completely honest to you now is honestly the worst time for me to even be thinking about labels of body types. i have relapsed so many times in the past month due to my parents calling chubby despite them forcing me to eat 6 times a week the given word just makes me uncomfortable.

i am sorry anon that i am not strong enough yet to defeat my own inner demons and i will take the blame for that. 

~~~

the suicide threat 

TW: suicide 

if you have been here since around 2 weeks ago you will know that i got a threat to kill myself by a notorious anon. 

here are some screen shots or if you want to scroll down far enough on my blog go for it 

i just want to say if you have any thoughts of suicide please go and contact some suicide hotlines and please remember you are a beautiful person on this earth 

and i apologize for not putting a trigger warning before i posted these

but i honestly laugh at every time i look at these cause idk it just shows how unbothered i am from a person telling me to kill myself

i did go to a bridge and just sat there for a little bit but that was only because i was skating around and i just wanted to see what the hype was about around bridges 

but they came back again and i just wanted to address it ?

dear anon, in the bottom ask did you mean ‘and shit’ as a whatever or did you mean that i took a dump at a public park (btw i didn’t) and second you can’t exactly come at me when you switch up your emoji game from fairy to middle aged mother of three

idk pick a struggle: 

being mad at a 16 year old vibin on tumblr 

or 

being that triggered when a kid tells you that you exert small di*k energy 

but know that you do not alter the way that i value my life because i know you are just a sad person that refuses to accept that people can live peaceful lives and you just seem so bothered by it to tell me to kill myself. 

babe if you have an issue with me then don’t be a coward and just drop the damn anon 

~~~ anyways thats all i got 

and remember that all cops are b@st@rds and black lives still matter 

[ateenagerafraidofthelight]

Losing myself.

I feel like I’m losing parts of myself around you.

But I don’t know how fair it is to blame you when we’re all locked at home these days.

I feel like it’s taken so much of myself to adjust my thinking cause of how you do things when it doesn’t feel like you do that for me at all!

You just act like you’re the victim, acting like you don’t get enough of what you want when all we do is what you want!

You spoiled selfish person. Stop acting like a child. Not everything is about you.

I miss being excited about us and not feeling all *sigh* about spending the weekend with you. You’re like an annoying puppy with too much energy that can’t seem to learn patience and focus. Can’t separate what you want from what matters. Stop pestering me to do everything you want to do!! Stop whining and acting like I’m keeping you from doing stuff. You are an adult person!! You can do your own things without me for a fucking minute. I hate that you can’t drive and act like that means I have to take you every fucking place! Learn to drive or take a bus!! I hate that you seem like you think you’re incable of doing anything because in the past some things havent worked! Like put some fucking effort in, no wonder nothing works. You give up after 5 seconds and expected perfect results when you put in 0 work.

I don’t know if I can keep being with you if you refuse to look at things realistically. You have an issue and you need to address it or it’s going to ruin your relationship with me. And if you don’t care enough about me being in your life to even acknowledge that you have an issue then I guess we’re done.

I wanna talk to you about this but I don’t know how because you aren’t a calm person to bring up issues with. You get so fucking defensive and it doesn’t feel like you hear me or if you do it doesn’t feel like you retain anything I say unless I say it loudly and on 50 different occasions. It’s fucking bullshit and it’s hurtful and it’s driving me crazy. And if you would just meet me half way on this I think we could make some progress but you refusing to even open your fucking eyes just drives me crazy.

I just noticed, I’ve been saying the same things over and over for fucking years and nothing changes (I have posts to back this up) so clearly I’m stupid cause I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result

[illumose]

BTS reaction : their s/o wants to break up with them [ hyung line ]

genre : angst / fluff

author’s note : thank you for supporting my works, i’m so grateful! I got carried away with this reaction, so I divided it into two parts. the maknae line will be posted soon!

seokjin •

His idol life prevented Seokjin from spending time with you. It got to the point when you would not see him for weeks, and he would barely text you. It was like you weren’t dating at all. You began to wonder if staying in a relationship with Seokjin was the best decision for you. You felt like you were the only one committed, ready to give time and love.

You did not blame him, it was his job. He made a choice, he had to follow the strict schedule of being an idol, but sometimes you just wished he could be Seokjin, your sweet boyfriend. He missed your birthday, your anniversary and about four dates. It started to be too much for you to handle.

You wanted someone to be here for you, someone to cuddle in front of Friends. It was lonely with him, the apartment was empty and you could not spend your time waiting for your boyfriend to come back from work. Your friends advised you to break up, for your own sake and self-being. They believed that Seokjin perhaps did not love you enough to make room for you in his busy life.

Perhaps you started to believe them. He used to be loving and caring, always here to cherish you. He used to take you on romantic dates, to make love to you. Now, it was a text saying that he would not make it to the date, a quick peck in the morning if you were lucky enough to see him.

"I have something important to tell you, Jin." You said, facing the camera. You were currently on facetime with Seokjin, one way to communicate with him whilst he was on tour. He had an hour of break, and wanted to check on you after three days of radio silence.

"Go on, jagiya," He flashed you a smile, forcing you to avoid looking at the screen in front of you. In a few minutes, he would not be smiling anymore.

You pinched your lips. "Well, I want to break up. It’s frank and honest, but I could not come up with a softer way to end it. You’ve been on tour for the past two months, we barely talk to each other. It’s getting tiresome for me to find new ways to be close to you when you’re clearly drifting away from me. It’s a long distance relationship that does not work anymore."

He frowned, having not expecting this sudden confession. He thought he was doing a great job, that he was balancing his idol life and his love life perfectly. Apparently he was wrong to assume this. "No, no, no. Please, don’t do this. I can make it work, okay? I’ll make more time for you, jagiya. I’ll take days off, I’ll work less. Don’t end our relationship, I love you. Please, give me a chance to be a better boyfriend, please," He begged you, eyes full of hope. He meant what he just said, he really wanted to make it up, to be better at balancing his work like and private life.

"Seokjin..." You sighed, not knowing how to react. Were you supposed to give him another chance, or were you supposed to break up? "One chance, don’t waste it."

The two of you were behind phones, it did not allow you to hug or to kiss to make up, to comfort each other. "I’m taking the first plane to our home, love," He stated, understanding that it was needed. A small smile appeared on your face.

yoongi •

Yoongi knew that his couple was slowly breaking down. You fought a lot about stupid things totally pointless, which nonetheless, still led to heated arguments and yelling matches. In spite of the multiple conflicts, he kept fighting for your love because in his eyes, it was worth everything.

"A break up? You want to end us?" He inquired, raising his voice at your statement. You were giving up, on him and your relationship. "What about the ‘we’ll fight for us till the end’? Did you forget the promise we made to each other?"

You closed your eyes, not wanting to see the pain in his. "It’s hard, Yoongi. We can’t keep fighting every single day about dishes or laundry. I don’t want to cry or to yell anymore, it exhausts me, " You explained, as he finally noticed the dark circles under your eyes. He felt guilty because he caused the argument of yesterday, the one which pushed you over the edge.

"We can work through this, babe. We can fix our relationship," He implored, walking towards you.

"How?"

"I’ve read an article about couples going to therapy. They see a marriage counselor every week, and it helped them overcome their issues. We could do the same. You’re worth every tear, Y/n," He suggested, his hand reaching out for yours.

You took time to consider his idea. Could it work? You knew friends who went to a marriage counselor to get help, it did an amazing job at saving their relationship. Would it do the same for yours? You did not know. However, it was worth the try. You wanted Yoongi to be the father of your children, the man who would be on the other side of the aisle. He seemed truly ready to put efforts into your couple, ready to commit himself. You could not brush it off when all you ever wanted was for him to do everything for you.

You sighed, finally looking at Yoongi. "Okay, we’ll go. I want to believe in us," You muttered as he hugged you. "I guess I should not have considered breaking up without thinking of ways to fix it."

He smiled, relieved. "Well, we had a pretty tiring night. I’m sorry for being a dick, babe."

"And I’m sorry for screaming, I must have looked crazy," You burst into laughter. Yoongi pecked your lips. You felt your heart warm at his affectionate demeanor.

"I love you, whether you’re crazy or not."

namjoon •

Namjoon needed someone like him, an idol pretty and talented. Not someone like you, common and slightly awkward. His fans agreed with you, they wanted to see their idol dating a singer, not a random person met in a bookstore. The hateful comments were too much for you to handle.

"Stop reading the comments, love," Namjoon told you, back-hugging you. He could not do much to stop them, so he advised you to not read them.

"Most of your fans think that I’m not enough, Namjoon. It hurts, but it’s realistic. You could have anybody, yet you chose me. I kind of understand their reactions," You muttered, looking down at your feet. Namjoon raised an eyebrow, not understanding how you could believe this nonsense.

When he first saw you, he thought he was in front of the most beautiful and gorgeous person he ever met in his life. Then, he got to talk to you, and discover how amazingly interesting you were. He loved your personality. You had qualities and quirks, but he loved all of you.

"How can you say this? You’re perfect in every possible way. Don’t let them destroy us, that’s all they want."

"It’s easy for you, Namjoon. Every time I got out, there’s someone who talks behind my back. When we meet your fans in the street or in a shop, they laugh at me. It’s starting to exhaust me, I can’t say anything to defend myself because it would taint your reputation. I don’t like to go out with you anymore because of them. They make me feel insecure and self-conscious, it’s horrible," You admitted, a single tear rolling down your cheek. You finally expressed your feelings and how badly you were dealing with the whole situation.

Namjoon tried to touch your thigh, but you backed away from his touch. You were on the other side of the couch, avoiding him at all cost. "Listen, I know it may be hard for you. No one should go through so much hate and pain, but if you give up on us, you’re giving them exactly what they want. They would have succeeded in tearing us apart. Don’t give them this, babe," His voice was sweet, he picked out his words carefully.

"It will never end, Namjoon. They’ll continue to harass me online, to hate me. I can’t go to work without at least hearing one cruel comment. They are spying on us, waiting for something bad to say about our couple. Can we imagine a future if it’s us against the whole world? It will probably have a bad impact on your idol life... You’ve worked hard, you deserve the best," You tried to convince him that a break up could be a solution, for both of you.

He remained silent. His fans should be supporting his relationship, they should be nice and kind towards you. He always believed that you could deal with the hate. What if breaking up was really what you wanted?

hoseok •

Hoseok wanted children, he loved them with all his heart. He felt ready way before you were, causing fights and arguments more often. He couldn’t seem to understand your position, and pressured you into having children. It pushed you to want a break up.

"Wait, are you serious?" He asked, eyes wide-opened, as realization hit him. ”Because of our last argument?"

"You never understand, Hoseok. You will probably never. I’ve just got the job of my dreams, I’m working hard to do my best. We don’t have the same expectations, and it’s clearly destroying our couple. You want kids while I don’t feel ready. You make me feel bad about it, and I’m tired of this. I shouldn’t feel this way," You explained, taking a sip of your drink. Your decision was made, nothing could change your mind.

"I didn’t," He defended himself in an aggressive voice.

"During the dinner with your parents, you made me feel like a heartless person. You painted me like a selfish person to your parents. It’s not because I don’t want to have kids that I don’t like them, however, you can’t understand this," You went on saying, as he looked desperate.

"But..."

"You’re stubborn, Hoseok. We don’t have the same expectations from each other, we don’t want the same thing. Nonetheless, it’s okay. You deserve to find someone who is ready to have a family, and I deserve to feel okay about my decision. You make me feel guilty."

"I don’t want someone else. I want it with you, Y/n," He protested, standing up to get closer to you.

"You’re telling me this because you’re afraid to lose me. In a few days, you’ll do it again." It was true, it already happened twice. He could never give up on his idea of a family. "It’s for the best, Hoseok."

He knew he could not change your mind. He messed up badly with his pressuring behaviour, and right now, he had no idea how to fix it. He did not know if he could do it.

"I’ll be staying at my friend’s flat. I’ll take what I need in a luggage and I’ll come later for the rest of it," You stated, flashing him a sweet smile. It hurt you to break up with him, you loved him. He has been there for you during your hardships, always comforting and protecting you. But now, you two had to take different paths.

[despairforme]

     It had been disappointing to him when Grimmjow had told him that he SHOULDN’T get him anything for Christmas. Grimmjow’s reason for this was because he didn’t have any money himself, and so he couldn’t get Nnoitra anything - so it wouldn’t be fair if Nnoitra was the only one to buy a gift. Nnoitra thought this was pretty shitty. It wasn’t like he wanted to give Grimmjow a gift to get something in return. He wanted to give him something because giving a gift to someone you cared about - loved - was the WHOLE FUCKING POINT of Christmas. That being said, Nnoitra did love getting presents ( thanks to never getting any as a kid ), so the fact that Grimmjow wasn’t going to get him anything... Yeah it sucked. He tried not to be too bothered by it though. It wasn’t Grimmjow’s fault that he didn’t have any money after all. Nnoitra felt pretty stupid for not realizing that THAT was the reason why Grimmjow had been feeling so down lately. Of course, if Grimmjow needed or wanted to buy something - anything at all - whether it was for himself, Nnoitra or the cats or whatever he COULD just ask Nnoitra for money. Nnoitra knew that it was a matter of pride. That’s why Grimmjow didn’t want to do that, and - he couldn’t blame him. There was no way he would’ve ever asked his boyfriend for money. But, shouldn’t Grimmjow be more realistic? It wasn’t very likely that he would get a job, since he only had one arm. Nnoitra HAD asked him about whether or not he had given up on getting his bar back, but he had never got a proper answer. He just didn’t know what Grimmjow was planning on doing, and it really sucked. He wished the other would share his thoughts with him. His worries. The right thing to do was probably just to tell him that if he wanted to ‘ talk about it ‘, then he was here for him. But how could Nnoitra ever do that? They were both MEN. It sounded like something a girl would say. SIGH. It was difficult. Dealing with a depressed Grimmjow was hard. At least after asking about what he wanted for Christmas, Nnoitra had finally figured out what was bothering his boyfriend. It was a step in the right direction. Now he just had to figure out how to cheer him up. It was easier said than done.

     Grimmjow had told him that he wanted to spend time with him. That’s what he wanted for Christmas. Nnoitra could EASILY fix that. The club was closed for Christmas anyway. All because the bouncers had both gotten married this year, and their very headstrong wives had, apparently, demanded that they should get a holiday. Without bouncers, there was no way the club could open, so everyone had gotten an unexpected holiday. Nnoitra wasn’t complaining, since this meant he could spend time with Grimmjow.

     It was Christmas day. Nnoitra woke up early as per usual. When he opened his single eye, the first thing that met him was Grimmjow’s faded hair. His roots were really blonde. Nnoitra moved closer, arms wrapping around his boyfriend to pull him close. He didn’t need to be careful not to wake him up, since there was NO WAY Grimmjow would wake up unless Nnoitra properly tried to stir him from his sleep. He slept like a dead man. Inhaling Grimmjow’s scent, Nnoitra closed his eye again. He smelled good. It was soothing, to just lay there next to Grimmjow. It made Nnoitra feel like there was nothing WRONG with their relationship at present. They had had their struggles ( because of him ). Now though? He didn’t think anything was wrong. If there had been, then Grimmjow wouldn’t have wanted to spend more time with him, right? It was reassuring to know that THAT was what the other wanted. He knew Grimmjow was feeling shitty recently, and normally his paranoia would assume that it was all because of HIM. While he had thought that every now and then, he hadn’t been sure. And now? Now he KNEW what the reason was. Not having any money - and no job sure as shit was a reason to feel depressed. Nnoitra pulled him even closer. Grimmjow didn’t need a job! HE could provide for them! And if this was about him feeling useless for not having a job, or worthless, then that was just bullshit. His worth wasn’t decided by how much he earned. Nnoitra didn’t care about that shit. He thought about it for a moment, and realized he was being selfish. If he had been in Grimmjow’s shoes, then he wouldn’t have been saying shit like that. It really was a matter of pride.

     He brushed his fingers down the other’s back, tracing his spine. How could he cheer him up? Nnoitra had already done SOMETHING that he hoped would cheer him up. Even though Grimmjow had told him not to get him any gifts, Nnoitra had... Done exactly that. Hopefully Grimmjow wouldn’t mind. He just wanted his boyfriend to feel loved. He knew that whenever HE was feeling down ( which was a lot of the time, often for no reason what-so-ever ), the thing that cheered him up the most, was getting affection and feeling loved.

     Usually, Nnoitra would get out of bed after cuddling Grimmjow for a bit, and go and get himself some breakfast. Not today though. He stayed in bed with him until he woke up ( even though his stomach was rumbling like crazy ). When Grimmjow’s beautiful blue eyes ( fucking lame why did he notice how pretty they were every time he looked into them... ) finally opened, Nnoitra smiled at him.  ❝ Mornin’. ❞ He hummed, and kissed him. As per usual, Grimmjow’s lips were a little cracked.  ❝ Merry Christmas. ❞ A small pause, while he waited for Grimmjow to say it back.  ❝ Ya know how ya told me ‘ta don’t get ya no presents? I totally fucked that up. ❞ There was a small smirk on his face, which cracked into a grin, teeth flashing.  ❝ I don’t care that ya ain’t got no money ‘ta get me nothin’. Ain’t like this is gonna be our last Christmas. Just get me two gifts next year, yeah? ❞ He felt like it was important to reassure him. It sucked to not get any presents, but he wasn’t a fucking kid. He understood that Grimmjow COULDN’T get him anything. It was fine. They would celebrate lots of Christmases together. Grimmjow still looked sleepy, with those half-lidded eyes and that incredibly messy hair. It didn’t look any LESS messy when Nnoitra pushed a hand up into it.  ❝ ‘N anyway - ❞ It felt like it was OKAY to say something ‘ lame ‘ when Grimmjow was looking all sleepy and cute like that.  ❝ Bein’ with ya ‘s all ‘da gift I’mma ever need. ❞ SHIT. It sounded lamer when he said it out loud like that! Snorting loudly, Nnoitra sat up.  ❝ Fuck me... ❞ The words came out as a half laugh - half exhale. He swung his legs out of bed, stood up and looked down at Grimmjow. He instantly felt like going back to bed. There was a slight chill on the floor, and he wiggled his toes. Nnoitra leaned down again, at a very awkward angle thanks to his height, and cupped Grimmjow’s face to give him another kiss. He was just so happy about getting to spend this day with him! And also - he was excited for him to open his gifts! He was SURE getting some presents would cheer him up!  ❝ Just wait here, ‘n I’mma get yer gifts. Let’s pretend I wrapped ‘em myself, alright? ❞ He had gotten them wrapped in the stores he bought them. Thank fuck. If there was ONE thing he simply couldn’t do ( there were many things he couldn’t do... ) it was wrapping presents.

     Nnoitra had hid them under the couch. He exited the bedroom, and returned two minutes later ( he had to feed the cats ). Walking around in only a t-shirt and boxers was not something he usually did, but today that seemed fine. That comfortable homely atmosphere made it so that he didn’t think about how skinny his legs looked. He walked into the bedroom again with a bag. Inside it were neatly store-wrapped presents. Several of them. Nnoitra dropped the bag on the bed next to Grimmjow, and literally beamed at him. He wanted him to cheer up! Sitting down, Nnoitra gestured to the bag.  ❝ Go on! ~ ❞ He might be more excited about Grimmjow opening them than Grimmjow himself... There were SIX gifts for Grimmjow.

     The first gift was box-shaped and pretty light. It contained blue hair dye in the brand and color that Nnoitra knew Grimmjow used. He was well aware that the other hated having blonde roots ( Nnoitra thought it was pretty cute that Grimmjow was a blondie ), so maybe dying his hair would make him feel better?   ❝ Ya know I love ya as a blondie. ~ ❞ Nnoitra joked after Grimmjow had opened the present.  ❝ But... ❞ A hand went into Grimmjow’s hair again.  ❝ Ya look hella in blue as well. ~ ❞

     The second one was a little softer. Once unwrapped, it would reveal a bag of coffee. Nnoitra didn’t know jack shit about coffee, but he had gone to a store that sold lots of different brands, and the store manager had told him that this was the best tasting one, so he had chosen that.  ❝ It’s some kinda expensive blend or some shit like that. Ya don’t always need ‘ta drink ‘da cheapest coffee. ❞ Grimmjow deserved the BEST. If this coffee turned out to be really good, then Nnoitra would keep buying it, if only to make Grimmjow’s life a little better. Honestly, he wanted to spoil him so badly. 

     The third one was a book. It was the first time Nnoitra had entered a bookstore in his life. The book was called ‘ how to train your cat ‘. Nnoitra had tried for ages to teach Pantera how to play dead, without any success. He thought that maybe Grimmjow could read from the book, and tell Nnoitra what to do. Maybe they could even train Pantera together? He was still more or less a kitten after all.  ❝ Dunno if yer gonna use it but... Maybe ya can read a ‘lil bit in it ‘n give me some pointers on how ‘ta get Pantera ‘ta play dead? I ain’t makin’ no progress. ❞

     The forth present was oddly shaped, and hard. It was wrapped in red paper with a red bow. Nnoitra had been to a certain store when he bought it. Inside was a pair of handcuffs. Nnoitra smirked after Grimmjow had unwrapped the present. ❝ They’re ‘fer ya ‘ta use on me. ❞ He rolled his wrist, as if to show how WILLING he was. He hadn’t bought them because they needed to spice up their sex life or anything, but because he knew that giving up SOME control to Grimmjow was something he could do to compensate for the fact that he wouldn’t let him top him. Grimmjow only had ONE hand, so for him it was impossible to take any sort of control. Now though? It would be possible for him.  ❝ Whenever ya feel like it. ~ ❞ He hummed. In truth, he was both excited and almost nervous about using them. He had never been one to give up control, but he trusted Grimmjow, so it should be fine. Maybe he would even enjoy it.

     The fifth present was soft. Inside was a black, soft scarf.  ❝ I know ya insist on wearin’ yer leather jacket, but that shit ain’t warm. So at least wear this, yeah? Just so ya know, I bought it in a store that sells leather jackets, so they’re meant ‘ta look cool ‘ta’getha’. ❞ Grimmjow was the type to go for style rather than what was suitable for the cold weather. Maybe with this scarf he would at least be a BIT warmer? 

     The final gift was a large box. When Grimmjow lifted it, it was obvious that there were some loose objects in it.  ❝ This is like... Kinda ‘da ‘ main ‘ present, I guess ya can say. ‘N I DUNNO if yer gonna like it. ❞ Nnoitra was very interested to see whether or not Grimmjow would like this present. The box was wrapped, and inside the box, there were a few things, that together made for a vape kit. Nnoitra knew that quitting smoking was HARD, and he also knew that Grimmjow wanted to quit. Nnoitra couldn’t - and wouldn’t - buy cigarettes for Grimmjow. He  wasn’t going to buy something that was damaging his health ( nevermind the fact that he hated the smell ). But, it wasn’t the cigarettes Grimmjow was addicted to. It was the nicotine. Nnoitra had thought about getting him some nicotine patches, but... Due to their past, he had decided against that. It might be... Too traumatic. So instead, he had gotten him this. The vape kit was complete with a few different flavors, such as lemon, mint and old smoke . He had chosen the highest nicotine percentage for all the flavors, to make sure Grimmjow got the fix he needed. It was the whole point of it after all. He hoped he was going to like it. / @grimmjxw​ .

[randomnessunicorn-imagine]

The prompt A finds B crying in a corner, in which A is Odo and B is reader + “The doctor ordered me to smoke”. Reader cries over his crush that don't share their same feelings them and Odo is there to cheer them up or help somehow. Odo can understand reader's feeling because he also loves Kira but she ignores his sentiment.

{ This one is very intense, long and a little angst, just how I like it. }

Share and like if you appreciate my job, please!

> Everyone can ask for a PROMPT, send only detailed requests!

💔 ODO 💔

Love was a strange feeling.

A feeling that the changeling still did not fully understand and Odo didnot know how the humanoids could live with this feeling inside of them. It wasunbearable.

For a while, Odo had ignored it, it was impossible that he was in lovewith Kira, this was not his duty nor need. He had always lived withoutthe necessity to breed or fall in love. He was not made for this. He was nothimself.

His responsibilities were others, his job was the most important valuefor him and this irrational, primitive and frivolous feeling called love wasblinding him, destroying him from the inside like a deadly virus. Nevertheless,when his eyes met Kira’s, all his fears faded away and a feeling of joy invadedhis entire existence. Nothing was so terrible anymore, he felt satisfied, contentand relaxed but when Kira was not next to him, his heart drowned into the abyssof agony and regret over and over again. As if he wanted to rip his own heartfrom his chest, if he had a heart but the only thing he had was an emotion of numbness.

Alternatively, when Odo saw Kira in the company of Shakaar, a newfeeling took possession of his soul. A feeling of anger, hatred andnervousness. Simply, jealousy. He was jealous because he wanted to be in thatman’s place. To kiss her lips, caress her skin, smell her perfume and play withher hair. Things that Shakaar already did. Odo could only savour this realityin his secret dreams.

Odo did not want to think about Kira or Shakaar or his broken heartanymore. He did not want to think about anything and anyone so he decided totake a walk through the promenade, maybe checking Quark out would havedistracted him but the bar was about to close and no one was around anymoreuntil he heard a strange sound. Sounds of sobs accompanied by a smoke, grey andunknown.

Was something going on fire in the station? Perhaps the situation wasnot as quiet as it seemed and then Odo ran towards that smoke. But what hefound made him even more confused because he found no danger. On the contrary,he found you in tears. Were you smoking? He believed it was so, an old bad humanhabit, he had read about it in some of the crime novels that O'Brian had lenthim. Odo could not believe you had that terrible vice.

You were his colleague, a member of security, an honest, trustworthy andkind person who had never disappointed him. Odo, on the other hand, was yourboss and you had a great respect for him. Odo was your role model but not the reasonyou were crying. Perhaps the changeling was not the only one here to have abroken heart because you were crying out of love. Unrequited love. An ingrate love,as ingrate as this life and universe.

“Smoking is not allowed in the station!” Odo said withseverity.

“I haven’t read any rules about it. I’m sorry.” You answeredin a cold tone of voice, a tone Odo had never heard from you.

You blew a cloud of smoke from your mouth, observing how it vanished in theair.

“You should know the rules better than anyone.” He said, warybut also worried about your behaviour, too weird to be realistic.

“The doctor ordered me tosmoke.” This was your unrealistic and absurd answer.

Then you took another taste of your cigarette, you felt the smokeburning in your throat. It tasted good and warm, you almost forgot your painbut then you remembered it when you tasted pure oxygen.

“Really? You could have invented a better excuse.” Odo sighedand he started finding all this smoke annoying. Luckily, he could not taste orsmell it since he had no sensory organs but he still did not like it. He wouldnever like it.

“Actually, it’s relaxing; it helps me to get distracted. Not tothink of anything. I know this attitude is bad but not as bad as others…” yes,something different from the pain you kept in your heart.

There were worse addictions in the world and you did not think smokingwas the most dangerous. Maybe falling in love was one of the worse addictionsbecause it also killed you slowly and miserably. No choice. No escape. You feltprisoned and hopeless.

“I do not think the Doctor Bashir would agree with your opinion. I donot understand why humanoids like destroying their bodies this way. I know thatsmoking can cause so many diseases but they seem to forget about this littlebut not so insignificance detail. Maybe they do not have all that self-respect,or, simply, they are so selfish that they want to be the cause of their own destruction.Humans are really devious and extravagant creatures. I will never understandtheir way of behaving, it is so irresponsible but I would never have expectedit from you.” Odo explained his opinion, he did not hate humans but he justfound some of their behaviours so odd and irrational.

“I am still a human being. I also make my mistakes. I can also beirresponsible and want to destroy myself slowly.” You confessed withbitterness in your voice.

“You are not yourself! What is happening to you? Yesterday you evenarrived late at job but I decided not to pay any attention, I can make amistake on purpose as well but, obviously, something happened to you and I wanta reasonable explication now.” Odo’s voice was severe and his sentence lookedlike an order.

“Nobody can hide you anything, Constable. I have always admired youbecause you always manage to be professional, cold and serious even in theworst situations. I would like to have your determination. I am very sorry. Butit’s true, something happened and I don’t feel fine.” You confessed,taking the last breath of your cigarette and then you threw it away, steppingon the cigarette.

“And what would be the problem?” Odo asked.

“It’s not about work and I don’t know if you can understand. It’s ahumanoid thing, a matter of feelings. A nuisance.” You confessed, keepingon stepping on that cigarette as if you were venting on it because you wereangry, sad and confused.

“I have always observed and studied the behaviour of men so it ispossible that I can understand those feelings even if they are a nuisance. Onthis we agree.” Odo has always found emotions as a bother, an obstacle, itdid not allow people to performance their job properly. Sometimes, he hatedhimself because of those feelings. He continued to hate himself for loving Kirathat much, he could not do anything to stop it and this was unacceptable. Aweakness. Even now, he felt weak because that thought was still there and didnot go away.  

“Well, it’s about *your crush name*. And I don’t even know how toexplain it.” you snorted.

“Do you like them?” Odo got to the point, he did not likewandering around things.

“Yes, but I have no hope or courage to confess my feelings to them.”

“A quality that I noticed in humans is their innate determinationand therefore you should not give up without even trying.”

“Reality is not so simple, constable Odo. They already love someoneelse and I’ve been so idiotic to give them a good advice. Since I’m a goodfriend, I told them to try and ask that person to go out to dinner. For amoment, I was deluding myself that they were talking about me. That I was theperson they were in love with but these things only happen in movies. I justpushed them into each other’s arms and I’m alone now. They’ve said that I amthe best friend of the universe. Such beautiful words.”

At that moment, Odo felt suddenly uncomfortable as if theblade of a sword had hit him. It was a lightning out of aclear sky. A realization. He hadalready heard this story and had already lived this experience on his own skin.He remained silent, unable to speak; he did not know what to saybecause he had not found the solution to this problem nether.

You sighed, giggling nervously, “I’m sopathetic. There are so many problems I should think about, like the security ofthe station, the threat of the Dominion but I’m still here crying like ateenager over stupid heart problems. You have the right to pity me because I ampathetic, a stupid sentimentalist.”

You just felt so miserable and you did not want to appearso weak, not in front of him. Not in front the person you estimated.

“You are not stupid or pathetic at all. You are onlyhuman and I do not believe that loving a person makes you a fool. Certainlylove makes people do silly things and in fact you were poisoning your body withthat cigarette’s smoke.” Odo said, his tone was calm and he actually didnot blame you because he knew the feeling, he understood you very well becausehe lived and was still living the same your sorrow.

“And doesn’t that make me miserable?”

“No, just human.”

“Thanks, constable Odo.”

“I know that my words will not cheer you up, but Iassure you that you are not the only one with a broken heart. Maybe workingharder can help you get distracted and use the energy you got inside forsomething useful instead of hurting yourself in that atrocious way.”

Odo did the same, he worked harder than his usual sincehe had realized the feeling he felt for Kira and how he also comprehended howhopeless and pathetic he was to keep thinking she could consider him more thana mere friend someday.

“It’s true. I understand, I’ll do my best. Thank youso much Odo.” You smiled, softly.

“Do not worry.” Odo nodded, proud as always.

“Odo, would you like to have lunch with me one ofthese days? I know you don’t eat but I also know that you are reading *your favoritebook’s title*. I would like to discuss with you about it. What is the point inreading a book if you can’t argue with anyone?”

After the conversation you had with Odo, you decided youwant to know him better and you were sure it would be worth it, even if he wascold, austere and severe, you knew he was also understanding and opened-mindedin his cynical way. You could learn a lot from him and maybe even Odo needed alittle company, a new way to distract himself and not to think about his brokenheart and illusions of love.

“Sounds reasonable. You humanoids care a lot aboutthese social rituals; you are able to discuss about every kind of topic.Impressive, a bit useless, but I may find it interesting.” Odo commentedyour idea in his usual skeptical way, but it was his way and he accepted afterall.

“You said you were an observer of the humanoids andso this is also an aspect that is worth studying.”

“Exactly.“

Then you and Odo decided to help each other, not to fall apart, not now, not until you could count of each other's friendship. 

Better days would come on DS9.

[futilescript]

I'm sorry

Some soukoku angst (mixed in with minimal fluff) for @daughterofsinsloth Thank you for requesting! I'm not very good at fluff, I apologize.

Warning: Angst and heavy emotions

Pairing: Dazai & Chuuya (Soukoku)

Summary: Chuuya struggles to come to terms with Dazai's actions while battling

   Anger washes over Chuuya's small frame in waves, feeling as though the heat from the flames licking fiercely at his body would burn him up. It starts at his neck, an unforgiving red reaching his cheeks in no time then mists itself to the very tips of his toes. Fists and jaw clenched as the fog before him clears. The Port Mafia executive pivots his body to face his former partner. Gloved hands grip furiously at the lapels of the brunette's trenchcoat, pulling him closer to his own body. "Are you listening to me?! I can’t believe you’re so stupid! How could you do something like that! Why would you-“

Dazai blinks, dumbfounded. Of course he does not realize what he has done wrong. Yet he relaxes into the grip his lover has on him, even relaxing into it; body having no choice but to flail with the movements. Chuuya's breath catches in his throat a lump forming which adds to his vexation.

"Chuuya, I made a choice." While the auburn haired man know this in his heart of hearts he realizes that it does not matter. Throwing one's own life on the line for any reason, Chuuya despises it. He did not need to absorb the damage, he should not have had to. Inwardly the anger is dissipating as Chuuya comes to the conclusion that he is the one to blame. That maybe his aggression is wildly misplaced.

Fire still wildly prods at Chuuya's veins burning his body up from the inside out though. Then as if upon instinct his hand reaches up to slap Dazai across the face. Nothing has ever been so loud. The latter does not make a single effort to stop him or rather catch his wrist to prevent him from even causing any harm. The inaction on his beloved's behalf proves to add additional fuel to his fire.

"You are reckless." Chuuya bites out through gritted teeth and what seems like will manifest into lockjaw from the mere pressure of the clench of his teeth at the moment. "Absolutely fucking reckless."

"Are you done?" No longer is the playful lilt present in Dazai's voice as his mouth moves at a leisurely pace. Seemingly burdened by the conversation. Chuuya finds that his heart is in his stomach faster than lightning strikes the night sky.

"You know what?" Nakahara spits with an obvious tone of annoyance, dropping his hands from the offending cloth he had previously been fisting, "Yeah."

It takes everything in his being to hold back the two words that sum up his thoughts, fuck you.

With that, the two former partners go their seperate ways.

   Maybe he's being unreasonable. Chuuya ponders this all with his first drink of the night. Something light, a little red wine. With every tip of his head his brain supplies reasons on top of reasons to both be and not be upset.

This is stupid. He groans into his second glass of wine. Realistically speaking Chuuya knows and understands that Dazai cannot die. But it doesn't and will never stop him from reprimanding his beau's methods of "beautiful suicide" or outright selflessness. It's selfish, he knows. It's impossibly irrational to be upset at Dazai for something he cannot control. Something that wouldn't effect him in the long run. This being so the part of his brain that is constantly screaming at him never seems to die down.

What if one day it does not work? He's no longer immortal? ..Dazai dies.

Chuuya cannot fathom the thought.

Simmering in his raw emotions post-battle is never an ideal situation. Especially with alcohol. To say his tolerance for spirits is low is laughable. Chuuya does not have a tolerance if anything the alcohol tolerates him and his whining. A few shots of vodka in evolves the mafia member into a slurring mess. Consonants, syllables, and the messy grip on reality meshing together as another one of his fever dreams. Akutagawa watches with a grimace on his face, that of vague discomfort, while keeping an eye for broken glass around the table. Last time he had to press against a pressure point of his boss's to force him to submit.

Assumptions aside, it is rather obvious from the outside looking in to see what has happened to Chuuya. Seldom does the smaller boy ever turn into such a wreck. The additional blubbering of a familiar ADA detective's name is proof enough on its own. Chuuya's breath is ragged as he chugs down a glass of whiskey. It burns his throat. Alas it is nothing compared to the damage his heart took seeing Dazai injured on that field filled with still bodies. Back to the moment when he thought Dazai was going to join in and just be another body. His heartbeat stutters in his chest as he goes to rest his cheek on the wooden table. It's cold and wet but he doesn't mind. It reminds him of Dazai and his silly obsession with drowning himself. It's warm and salty. He's not entirely sure when tears started running down his face but within seconds everything cuts to black.

   Chuuya wakes to the sound of running water being louder than he remembered previous to saying goodbye to the world for a while. The throbbing of his head coupled with the grating sound of water running has his body curling up. His arms cover his ears out of the fear of going deaf. The air in his chest is dead while there is a shuffling of feet behind him. Turning around he is greeted by a somnolent looking Ryuunosuke.

"What are you doing here?" Chuuya asks through a throat dry beyond comprehension. A glass of water is handed to him while he sits up in his bed. Obediently, he sips at it.

"I wanted to make sure you got home safely." His associate replies matter-a-factly while Rashomon peaks out behind his slender frame to shut off the sink water. "How are you feeling?"

"Like garbage." Chuuya laughs wryly through the brutally honest answer.

"Right then, I'll get going." Shuffling towards the door only to shout through it when closed. "Dazai wanted to talk." Chuuya spits out his water upon hearing the muffled words. As if on cue Dazai steps out of the shadows of his kitchen.

    He's got to be kidding.

    “I’m worried about you…” Dazai begins only to be cut off by a hungover Chuuya that absolutely does not want to be having this conversation right now.

"I can take care of myself!” Given the situation that Akutagawa was kind enough to fill him in on, Dazai knows better. Just a few hours apart and Chuuya is freefalling back into his messy habits of coping. Dazai even goes as far as to look at Chuuya pointedly, earning a mixture of an accusatory and exasperated gasp followed by a rather deep sigh.

“I just came to see how you were doing.” This earns a squint from the man sitting up shakily on his bed, a petulant pout forming on his lips. Dazai laughs nervously, trying to make light of the situation as he always does.

“And now it’s time for you to leave.” Chuuya deadpans aiming the glass of water at his lover out of pure spite. But of course Dazai expects it and dodges in time. It shatters against the wall leading into the kitchen much like how his heart shattered when Dazai decided to be an absolute halfwit.

"Chuuya." The soft tone plucks at his heartstrings, the years of companionship flooding his brain, tears form silently. His lower lip trembles as Dazai approaches him with hesitantly open arms. Chuuya rises to his knees to meet him halfway, falling into the chest that he is always sleeping on. "I'm sorry, Chuuya." The words are whispered just above his ear. Bandaged fingers rub at his neck in the form of a sorry that Chuuya will remember later. "I'm sorry."

Chuuya's shaky arms around Dazai's neck make his heart clench impossibly tight. As much as he teases his darling he does not enjoy upsetting him so. Chuuya hugs him suffocatingly close as if he were going to leave him at any second. Desperately clinging on while sobbing into Dazai's shoulder.

"Don't do it again, please." Staccato breaths patter across Dazai's collarbone. Dazai hums in agreement while pressing apologetic kisses into his hair.

“I love you.” A smile tugs at the bandaged man's mouth, to the naked eye it would be hard to find. Everything Dazai does is calm, calculated. Deliberately slow with meaning behind every action even if it's hidden. To say that attempting to read into his thoughts or actions is difficult is an understatement.

“I’d rather you didn’t.” Jokingly the auburn haired mafiaoso responds through sniffles. Chuuya on the other hand is easier to read. Almost as if he were made of glass. His expressions are earnest, even when he does try to muddle them into something else entirely try to dissuade his company. Pink tongue sharp but the conviction behind such pretty words are always clear. The tone is cold, unforgiving with a bite of adoration. One that Dazai recognizes all too quickly.

After a few moments, Chuuya pulls Dazai down onto the bed with him. Though it's an awkward position Dazai understands the sentiment.

"I love you too."

[clefairytails]

lesbian tag game

thx for sending me this @redcladsheikah <3 all my lesbian friends should do this too, if you want uwu i’m too lazy to tag like 50 ppl hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh @lebians @tiedyked @talaxian @lesbian-mcelroy @ireallylikecameras 

1: did you ever think you were straight?

not really, i knew i liked girls even as a child. but i did go through multiple periods of trying to convince myself i was straight, needless to say it didn’t work out lol.

2: what’s your favorite element of gay culture?

our sense of humor! it’s amazing that we’re all so funny despite putting up with so much bullshit.

3: are you femme, butch, or neither?

femme! i’ve been looking into femme history lately, bcs the idea that femme is just an aesthetic is a misconception c:

4: do you prefer to date femmes or butches?

tbh every time i declare i have a type i immediately fall for someone that’s the complete opposite of that, so i have no idea. lately i’ve been wanting a goth gf, but i just developed a crush on a prep soooo i’m terrible at self-reflection. this bitch don’t know what she want.

5: what’s the worst part about being a lesbian?

the feeling that there’s a part of you that needs to be fixed, but you can’t do anything about it. it’s like seeing a picture on the wall that’s crooked, but it’s stuck like that and you can’t ever straighten it. or having a hair out of place that keeps sticking up no matter how much you try to gel it down.

6: what’s the best part of being a lesbian?

is women too obvious of an answer? girls are angels and i’d die for all of them

7: how long were you questioning for?

pretty much never, i guess. i had crushes on girls since kindergarten, then in 2nd grade i was told girls could only like boys, so i tried my best to be straight even though in my heart i knew i wasn’t. since i couldn’t make myself like boys, i kinda just ignored the idea of liking anyone at all until middle school, when i found out what the word “lesbian” means online. of course, all the stuff i found about lesbians called us disgusting perverts, so i went through many phases of calling myself literally anything else but a lesbian. i’ve only started using the word lesbian specifically in the last few years, especially since i joined an amazing discord group. i love them so much, they’ve helped me feel so proud of being a lesbian <3

8: what’s the most annoying thing straight people do?

exist. 

jk lmao, i’m honestly not annoyed by straight people, but i like making jokes as if i am. it’s hard to annoy me in general, i’ve got a high tolerance for that type of stuff. if i have to answer, i hate it when strangers (usually straight men) pry into my sex life, but i’m not really annoyed by that as much as i am creeped out.

9: what do you look for in a girl?

vampirism is my only requirement.

10: if you had to marry someone you know right now, who would you choose?

@lebians bcs i feel they’d be the most able to put up with my bullshit. everyone else would kill me on sight. if only @ireallylikecameras was still single, then when we got married we could put together our 50% employee discounts at BK and get infinite food for free, ending world hunger. i think that’s how it works, but also im gay and therefore bad at math.

11: do you have a crush right now?

does being in love count as a crush? if so, then i have three.

12: do you fall in love easily?

i crush easily, and i say i’m in love easily bcs i’m a leo (meaning i need to exaggerate to live), but actually feeling love? only once.

13: is there anyone in your life right now you think you’ll date in the future?

fingers crossed.

14: is there anyone you want to be kissing right now?

at the moment i’m feeling very touch repulsed, so no. but i also go through periods of feeling touch starved, and during those times i’d kiss pretty much anyone lmao.

15: do you think you’ve met your future wife yet?

i don’t know if i want to be married. i hate making commitments.

16: top, bottom, or vers?

i suspect i’m a bottom, but i’m also a virgin with no self awareness about what she wants or likes, so who really knows.

17: is there anyone you wish you could fuck right now?

still feeling touch repulsed, so no. also i have issues with actual real life sex. i always think i want to have sex, but when the situation becomes real, i feel disgusted by it and chicken out. i have no idea if this is some sort of asexuality or internalized lesbophobia. i should probably go to therapy lol.

18: rough or gentle?

rough, in theory. like i said, virgin who doesn’t know what she likes. but as a general rule, i don’t like slowness.

19: how many stereotypes do you fit into?

i’m fat, hairy, make lots of jokes about hating men (at least online, not in real life bcs i dont wanna get stabbed), i sometimes look like a guy,

20: what version of the lesbian flag do you like most? (butch, lipstick, original, etc.)

i like the femme one! i have it as my banner, it’s the lipstick lesbian flag without the lip print. the original flag was so fucking good, too bad it got taken by the terfs. the labrys is such a powerful image, and purple is a good color. also i saw a moon lesbian flag going around, that one is so good.

21: do you have a good gaydar?

hhhh i’d like to pretend i do but tbh i’m not very observant and straight up bad at reading people.

22: be honest, would you rather be straight?

yes and no. i’d rather have been born straight, because it would’ve saved me so much pain, but it’s a few years too late for that lol. if there was a magic pill that could make me straight today, i wouldn’t take it. i’ve been through so much as a lesbian, it means something to me now and i wouldn’t trade that for anything.

23: are you cis?

yep.

24: are you a sugar mommy or a sugar baby at heart?

hardcore sugar baby. my dream job is being an older woman’s trophy wife.

25: are you committed to someone at all right now emotionally?

hhhhhhhhhh unfortunately. i don’t want to be.

26: are you looking for a serious relationship currently?

yes, but i shouldn’t be. i don’t think i’m ready to be in one.

27: is there someone you’d like to be in a serious relationship in?

yes, but she’s straight and already married lmao. whoops.

28: do you want children?

no, i’m too selfish and irresponsible.

29: is your family accepting of your sexuality?

my mom and dad are, though they don’t take it very seriously. pretty sure they expect me to grow out of it one day. can’t blame them tho, i’m waiting for the same thing lmao. my extended family is huge, and their opinions range from being extremely homophobic to being gay themselves, but i’m interacting with them less and less as i get older.

30: how confident are you in your sexuality?

very confident, though i don’t want to be. i’m still secretly hoping one day i’ll see a guy i’m attracted to and he’ll fix me, but being realistic, i’m a huge fucking lesbian. women are enchanting.

31: are you polyamorous or monogamous?

monogamous. my insecure ass could not be poly hhhhhh.

32: what advice do you have for your 12 year old self?

be more selfish. you don’t have to put yourself second for the sake of others, especially at your age. nothing you do will matter in a decade, go fucking wild.

33: have you ever been to a gay bar?

nope. i want to go one day, but i have terrible social anxiety.

34: leather jackets or flannel?

both of those are really hot, but i’m gonna go with leather jacket.

35: describe your dream girlfriend

- vampire

- big tiddy goth gf

- nice personality or smthn

- uhhhhhhhhh tiddy

(ok but srsly, i can’t answer this question bcs i NEVER know what i want!! i always thought my type was THICC for sure, but all three of the ladies i have feelings for rn are pretty skinny and flat chested)

36: do you have any lesbian friends?

at least 50 lol.

37: what elements of gay culture do you actively participate in?

air, water, sometimes earth. never fire.

38: do you find straight people irritating?

nope, but i do find straight pda uncomfortable to look at. mostly bcs it reminds me of what i'm supposed to want. but i’d never tell a straight person that, obviously. i’m not rude.

39: would you rather adopt a kid or have a biological kid?

i’ll adopt a tortoise, and feed her any children that cross my path. but if i did ever have a child, i’d want it to be biologically mine and my wife’s. mostly bcs i’d want to know what it would look like, which is a selfish and stupid reason to have kids, and exactly why i’m not gonna lmao.

40: do you love yourself?

i’m a LEO (jokes aside, i don’t know. sometimes i do, sometimes i don’t. but i love myself more as time goes on. definitely more than i did than when i was a teen, at least.)

[theratprince]

idk why i’m so melodramatic

i guess i’m kinda just facing the inevitable? like i guess it hit me last night that i was just falling back on old shitty patterns and i had completely lost control of myself but god. i really tried. i really tried not to be so fucking nuts but honestly? it’s been a long time of being single after an even longer time of making myself miserable just so i wasn’t single. and like, i guess i should just accept that people are going to say whatever they want just so they can get sex. like i don’t get it. like i was totally all for just fucking and that’s what i signed up for and that’s all i needed. and i just really fucking hate that everything was fine until they started saying shit that was way too sweet and i don’t know why i’m such a fucking humongous idiot.

love is actually the worst, most useless emotion. i felt pretty dead inside and i went around just dissociating constantly. and then for a second i felt something and i finally felt okay, and honestly i am trying so hard just to be fine on my own but i just feel like my life is constantly falling apart. i fucking hate my job. i don’t know if i actually have fun anymore. my parents are losing the house. i feel overwhelmed by everything. i’m really depressed. i’m so passive and directionless that i don’t know how to function without someone giving me constant validation. what’s the point?

the next time someone says they love me i’m going to laugh in their fucking face.

i’ve been dying to go to ireland for over a year now. i was just like fuck it i’m going to go travel because i never do anything for myself because i never know what i fucking want and right now i just want to be somewhere else. i’ve never really been the kind of person to pick a direction and, by some miracle, i have held on to this plan for the longest i’ve ever thought of doing anything. and so i’m just praying that it’s actually meaningful, and that i’m not just wasting my time doing something that i hope will make me happy.

and it’s literally the day before my trip -- this trip that has kept me trudging through my miserable existence for so long -- and i’m having a meltdown just because of some fucking person that i can’t even get angry at for being another shitty dude because they’re not a dude so like what criteria can i even use anymore? why do people only ever seem to want to use me?

the last time i traveled anywhere exciting, i was going through a really stupid break up and i let it affect the good time i should have been having and WOW it would be really nice if i could muster up some trademark Libra apathy right now. I should be fucking excited. I should be happy right now, and I’m not and I’m pissed.

So this is my attempt to unpack things and get on a more rational track of thinking. Because the more i try to tamp it down, the more out of control it gets.

I’m angry for a lot of reasons. I’m angry because I feel disappointed. But I am expecting things that I was never promised, and I have to accept that. I let someone get my hopes up and I can only assume it’s because I haven’t been honest with myself in the first place. A long time ago I asked the universe to let me find true love because I have been poisoned by Disney but it’s a dream that I never let go of no matter how angry of a feminist I was or as independent as I forced myself to be. I wanted to fall in love, and it consumed me. I had this dream that I’d somehow find it if I left Kentucky, and I postponed leaving for a long time.

So I got to a point where I was okay. I was depressed a lot, but I had a vacation to look forward to. I had a huge breakdown back in February because I felt so utterly trapped in my situation, so I said fuck it and booked a trip because life will just have to figure out how to go on without me. I still mostly felt nothing, and I felt lonely, and I wished really hard that I could give a shit about something. I worked on trusting people a little more, and tried to trust myself to receive affection. I asked for a reminder of how it felt to be sexual again, how to touch another person, and promised myself that I’d remain in control and wouldn’t let it hold me back. LMAO

So, I guess I find some comfort in knowing that I got what I wanted. And I mostly didn’t lose control. I’m not self harming. I’m in control of my behavior. As much as I hope that this is a sign that I can have some sort of affect on my reality, it seems unfair for some reason. Like, loads of people never “find love” or they do find it and then it ends because it always ends. Life is shitty and then you die. To hope for anything more is selfish.

So that’s where I’m at. Just... being melodramatic.

There’s not even really anything to be upset about. I’ve literally been going back and forth every other day because I can’t deal with having something good. Maybe that’s my problem.

When I was a kid, there were days when my dad would randomly buy me gifts or give me money or praise me for no reason, and then the next day or even the next hour he would turn on a dime. He called me fat and lazy a lot. He would threaten to hide his money so that me and my mom couldn’t buy food. He was under a lot of pressure and worked constantly, and he took his anger out on me because I couldn’t leave.

My first boyfriend lived four hours away in Ohio. I could only see him once a month, but we talked on the phone all the time. He would get jealous of all of my friends, even girls. When I confided that I thought I was bisexual, he was dismissive. He told me he’d hit me if I cheated on him. One time, he dreamt that he walked in on me fucking some rando, and that he shot me. We broke up for a short time, and I had sex with a guy friend, which I told him about at some point when we got back together. In response, he  said a lot of hurtful things and cut off contact completely.

My second boyfriend was twenty-four when I was seventeen. He was interested in someone who could be a full-time slave, and coerced me into trying more than just BDSM. He would constantly compare me to other people. He made me talk about him fucking other people when we were fucking. He tried to coerce me into having a threesome with some ex-girlfriend of his. He would call me stupid and spoiled, and he constantly made me feel like I was nothing. I let him fuck me in a janitor’s closet at the hotel where he worked. I didn’t enjoy it.

My third boyfriend was as passive as my exes were abusive. He was kind, and he did anything I asked him to, but I’m not sure if he cared about me. He never defended me when his friends put me down. When I confided to him about being trans, he skirted around the issue and wouldn’t call me Nolan.

I cheated on him with the person who ended up my fourth boyfriend. He had gay parents and appreciated me no matter how I identified. I don’t know why I broke up with him. Self-sabotage maybe. I still think about him a lot. I don’t know if I was always happy, but I think for the most part I was. I think he deserved better than me.

There was a stretch of time where I fucked a lot of random people. I met them through other friends, or on dating apps. I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t know why I made the effort.

At one point, I dated this married couple. I even babysat their two-year-old once. I think the wife really loved me. I think I loved her too, but as we can see I have a history of not actually believing that people are capable of finding me important. The husband was just trying to get as much pussy as he could. He made a big show of supporting my trans-ness, but when I was blowing him he didn’t think of me that way. He was one of many men who tried to coerce me into participating in orgies. I think I enjoyed it some of the time, but it was abundantly clear that I did not matter to him.

I had another relationship with this trans girl and I think it was one of the few normal relationships I’ve had. I don’t think I was very good to her, but at least we’re still friends.

I’ve already visited this part of myself. I’ve revisited it a lot. I have tried to work past it. I’ve tried to get away from it. It feels like I can’t escape it, and I think perhaps being in the same place that I’ve always been has contributed to this. I’m sleeping in the same room where my dad has yelled at me, where I’ve cried my way through break ups, where I laid awake and wondered if I’d ever actually matter to anyone.

I dunno why I do this to myself. I don’t know why I do this to anyone else.

I guess it’s just particularly disheartening because I thought that I’d done a really great job of moving past it. I used to think I couldn’t survive being single for a year, let alone two. Also a month ago I thought “Wouldn’t it be nice to literally feel anything at all?” and WOW am I eating my words.

I’m really just feeling way too much and I hate it, and I wish I could say I’m hopeful for the future but like... just, fuck it all. I keep waiting for things to change and they just never fucking do. I wish I could blame my completely shit feelings on being hungry or tired or stressed but like? I’ve taken my T-shot, I’m hydrated, I still felt like steaming shit after I had something to eat. I’m literally about to take a trip that I’ve been anticipating for a really heckin’ long time but instead of being overcome with joy, I can’t stop crying?

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I let this happen? Why is it like every time I try to stop this from happening, I’m just like “lol it can’t be helped” and let it fucking take over my life?

I guess....... what I’m really trying to say..... is that if I get back from this trip and I don’t have some semblance of clarity and a better sense of direction that I’ll be fucking pissed. Best case scenario: My gut was right all along and I do somehow find true love. Like, trying to be realistic has literally never helped me before so why start now? Yeah, maybe in two weeks time I somehow meet someone or have some magical experience that changes the course of my life forever. Or maybe the universe is chaos and I’ll be forced to live out my existence in this flesh prison until I am suddenly and painfully no longer able to perceive anything at all. Maybe the plane will crash and it will be very tragic but ultimately irrelevant to the grander scheme of things.

Whatever happens, I just hope I never fucking feel this way again because I’m so god damn sick of it.

AND FURTHERMORE I just want to say that I think it’s completely unfair that Chris could be so completely everything I want and to literally read my mind and to look at me with their stupid fucking googly eyes like they actually give a shit lmao who the fuck decided this? i want my god damn money back. love is bullshit the end

[andillcomebacktoyousomeday]

2/7/2018

My darling,

There is something in Japanese culture called a confession letter. The term itself is pretty self-explanatory, but an interesting thing about a confession letter is that you can give it someone you’ve never spoken to, but have adored. Thankfully, in this instance, I both know you and adore you, and I have the advantage in that you already know how I feel.

“anyway, just in case I forget to mention it, I love you. Did I get around to mentioning that?”                                 -JD Sallinger

The last four years have been hard on us Jon, in different ways, but in ways that no doubt changed us. I can confidently say that you are the biggest happening in my life thusfar; let me explain why. 

“there are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing would ever be the same, and time is divided into two parts-- before this, and after this”                              -Fallen, 1998

We shared a doughnut and had hot chocolate on our way to Hoover Dam. The water level was very low then; you had mentioned that to me. We walked up and down the shore, throwing rocks and talking. You noticed my flowery shoes (which I still have) and you were concerned that they would get ruined. After a while, we sat on some rocks and you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told you that I wanted to wear skirts and travel and be barefoot and not pay bills and wear flowers in my hair. I laughed and said “but that’s not really realistic,” and without missing a beat, you said “well, why not?”

“before this and after this,” mind you. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but I had just had my Pam moment when she tells Jim that she knew she liked him after the mixed-berry yogurt incident. At that moment, as we’ve both explained to one another, what I thought was love was wrong. At this point, I had been with Jeremy for a year and a half, and not once had I felt anything close to what I felt in that moment with you. And I knew that to be with anyone but you would be settling. You were it, and I was scared. 

“Meanwhile, Delores says we’re put here to do one thing” * “One thing? What’s that?” * “Its different. Its different for everybody, hers is lasagna” “Lasagna?” “That’s just her opinion. But its like, when a moment comes...we either do the right thing or wrong”                             -Fallen, 1998

I did the wrong thing. I knew, deep, that I loved you, but I stayed with Jeremy because I was afraid. I was 19...who finds that person when they were 19? I felt like I had been asleep before you, and meeting you woke me up to all of the beauty I was missing. I had finally opened my eyes, and there you were, smiling at me and sitting on a rock. It was...overwhelming, for us both; what I felt was so powerful that there was no way you couldn’t feel it too. It was so big, bigger than me, and I was scared. 

Part II of why I was scared: (See *)-- my purpose, my “one thing” is to love. It is undoubtedly what I am best at and I feel fulfilled when I am showing someone that I love them. A person’s purpose, that’s a big deal Jon. I not only knew you were the person that I was supposed to...give this to/do this with, but I wanted to. I felt alive with you and I felt whole with you--who accomplishes their purpose at 19? All I wanted/needed was happening; what if I wasn’t ready? (we weren’t), what if I wasn’t good at it? what would the rest of my life look like? Too big, and I was too small. My formula before you was to be friends with someone for years before dating/showing interest in them. So imagine my surprise:

“your soul knew my soul            5 long before we needed skin       7 to spend a life in”                       5                            -Tyler Knott Gregson

Part III of why I was scared: I had no plan

Even still, I kepy getting closer to you. I took pictures for you, watched movies for you so that we could talk about them, I talked to you on the phone... I didn’t even talk to my own boyfriend on the phone. It became clear to me that I had to be very careful when I mentioned you to Jeremy; I shone so much brighter when I said your name. It was then I began to realize that being with Jeremy was no longer fair to anyone involved. This was another year after The Moment at Hoover. I was being heard, and I craved listening for the first time in my life. You called about the fucking pie...if The Moment at Hoover wasn’t the moment, that would’ve been it. Whenever I think about that moment, it seems unreal; what had I done to be treated this way? Did I deserve it?

(Memory is a funny thing, no? Ask me to explain it if you’d like, and I will.)

When I was still with Jeremy was the first time you disappeared. You had told me that it was too hard, me being with Jeremy:

“when a moment comes...we either do the right thing, or wrong.”

You tried to explain to me, but I wasn’t capable of understanding what I didn’t understand (what happens when it is too big and I am too small). But you came back.

Time gone: 3 months

I leave Jeremy; I had realized the difference between love and in love--care to guess which was you? I come to see you at Miami; a whole weekend, a whole you to myself. The four hour backroads drive was more than worth it. I had unsurprisingly elected to share the bed with you for the weekend, and we rented 7 movies to keep us company in the unbearble heat. 

Little details: the mini lights that you had hung from the bottom of the top bunk, you kissing my inner thighs, me not wanting to move my leg during our movie theatre movie just in case you moved your hand, the most painful goodbye to date. 

The words “I love you” burned in my mouth as we lay there before leaving; I can see the exact moment very clearly. We said goodbye instead, afterall, you were going to be there all summer, and when I got home, I immediately tried to plan to see you again. Then:

Time gone (total): 1 year, 3 months

I was deeply hurt and confused. I thought that you had felt the same about me, but how could that be if you left? You don’t leave the people you love. Again, this is another example of how much I didn’t know: heartbreak. I thought when my 8th grade boyfriend broke up with me over instant messenger that that was heartbreak. This, you leaving, was much deeper than a heartbreak, so deep that I ached. You leaving also made it very clear to me that I was a very intense person, and a person that you were not ready for yet. I had done nothing but crash into you since we met, and your bruises were beginnging to show. 

I did not realize the damage I had caused, and it was selfish as a result. So much realization occurs after the fact. I had to rationalize you leaving to ever have any hope of moving past it (I didn’t); I blamed myself. What is interesting is that just recently I’ve begun to understand just how damaging that was. I was a person already filled with self-doubt, and then to place the blame on myself for the loss of the love of my life... I didn’t trust myself, so I became a person entirely different from myself. 

The most accurate way to describe this period was that something inside me had broken. My emotional nature had finally surfaced. I no longer trusted, I no longer opened up to anyone, I stared at my bookshelf a lot. I couldn’t listen to First Aid Kit or Bon Iver or Band of Horses. I couldn’t wear the swan shirt I had worn when we had shared our pie. I was angry and I was sad and I was exhausted from being both all of the time. But yet I still had to get up everyday and drive past Hoover to go to school. Your absence affected me so deeply; I could hear people getting tired of me. But I just couldn’t make sense of the fact that I had all of these feelings with no place to put them.

Sometime in September: “I’m back in Ohio and I’m thinkning we should talk.”

We had Mexican food and joked about the midget-sized jerseys framed and displayed on the wall. I had discovered that you had gotten a new car; I was still looking for your white Neon. You went to Hoover and explained to me why you had gone (I blamed the Oregon trees) and you had promised to do better going forward. You said you weren’t going to kiss me, but instead kissed my hand. I asked if you were okay. You said that you were and then we drove away.

Time gone (total): 5 years, 3 months

There are some things that I will reiterate here. I was depressed. There are no words for how the winters felt. I listened to First Aid Kit and visited Hoover when I needed to cry, otherwise I would numb myself to it. I no longer trusted; I had naiively assumed that just because I was good to people, that they would be good to me. I no longer trusted anyone to be good to me. I began as a person that trusted until given a reason not to--I became a person that didn’t trust until proven otherwise. I had to function as best I could with a missing piece. At times I had (unsuccessfully) foolishly convinced myself that I was over you (I now realize that I don’t think that would ever be possible) and quickly realized that you were like the tide. All of the beautiful things were still beautiful, but they were painful. People were still tired of me; “but you two didn’t acutally date, right?” They didn’t understand. And how could they when I am certain that they had never experienced this before? How could I expect them to understand what even I didn’t? Words are hard, but “lost” seems to be the best one. 

Cara: “Okay, dad, I love Marty” Dan: “Oh, please” Cara: “Dad! Stop, listen! I didn’t know right away! It took me a while!” Dan: “how long is a while?” Cara: “I’ve only known him for three weeks, but I knew in three days” Dan: “Three days?! You can’t know in three days!” Cara: “Yes you can!” Dan: “No, no.”                                                       **** Dan: “See, I got a little confused with Marie. I kind of lost my head, I got a little stupid because I love her. No...that’s not...I didn’t mean... I don’t lover her, and that’s not what I meant because, I mean, how could I love her? I’ve only known her---” Cara: “Three days” Dan: “Yeah, and how can you know in three days? Well, no. Yes, I do. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I... love her”                                                     -Dan in Real Life, 2007

They didn’t understand, and I still couldn’t, and I continued to blame myself. I constantly second-guessed myself or asked myself if I was making the right decision, in every aspect of my life. I was the reason that you had gone; it made the most sense. For 2 of the 4 years you had been gone, I was emotionally unreachable. When I finaly sat at the end of the day, I thought about whether or not you were okay, and if you missed me as much as I missed you. I went to Hoover Dam often during this time in hopes of catching you there. Alliance Data would bring lunch parties into Bdubs and I would wonder if you would show up and order your asian zing boneless. You once told me that you had called Bdubs to see if I was working, and hung up when I answered the phone. From that point on, I would wonder if every hang up that I got was you. The hurt and pain that I felt didn’t go away, but got easier to deal with. I knew that one day you and I would come back to eachother, but I didn’t trust that you would stay. How could I, afterall? I will be honest and tell you that this trust is something that I am currently struggling with--I am afraid that at any moment, I may do something that will scare you away (four years of blaming myself for leaving is not easily erased). I am trying, but I will need patience.

June 2017:

You like a 5-year-old Facebook post; First Aid Kit lyrics and the railroad tracks that you had sent me from Indiana. “Maybe it just popped up on his Facebook memories.” No, they didn’t understand. This meant something, After 4 years of silence, and this is the post that you picked? That you had searched for? “Thank you (thank you)”... "This may sound insane, but that seems like an echo to me. And I showed him that band...” They didn’t understand. If I didn’t know, my soul sure did. 

“I’ve come to the conclusion that our souls have known eachother for lifetimes, because that it the only way that a love on this level can exist”                                                           -Echo Durant, 2018

I waited...after 4 years of silence, why now? I was angry. Why that post? (I knew why). Why was it all that I could think about? Then it hit me: this was you coming back to me. You tell me of your past. This was especially hard to deal with. I had wondered and worried about whether or not you were okay, and you weren’t. I could’ve lost you Jon, permanently, and I wouldn’t have known. That is the thought that literally haunts me. Rememeber: to be with anyone but you would be settling. Remember: I knew you were the only person that I could give this to/do this with. I felt whole with you. I take you to Hoover, because where else would we go? That place was ours. 

Time gone (total): 5 years, 5 months

“I’m not in Ohio, I’m in Oregon.”

2,438.9 miles my darling, and yet this is the closest that we’ve been. “What do you mean he’s in Oregon? He didn’t tell you?” They didn’t understand. Under the trees is where you need to be. I am more and more beginning to trust that you will stay, and more importantly that you will stay safe. I trust the trees with you until I can be there. My friend Leia says that I should write a book about “our story,” and I suppose if I ever were, this is how it would begin. What I am most excited for is everything to come. 

“Anyway, just in case I forgot to mention it, I love you. Did I get around to mentioning that?”

“I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart”

“Stockholm’s cold but I’ve been told I was born to endure this kind of weather”

“if I was a flower growin’ wild and free, all I’d want is you to be my sweet honeybee”

“home is wherever I’m with you” ________________________________________________________________

“for I found myself attached to this railroad track, and I’ll come back to you, someday.”

________________________________________________________________

“Sometimes our bodies and souls scream things our mouths can’t. We’ve been screaming at eachother since we met.”

I know that my soul can only be the best version it can be when it is with your soul.