#and izzy is so far gone hes so hopelessly in love and just now starting to try and get out

[just-spacetrash]

🏴‍☠️

[bytheangell]

Dreaming Wide Awake

(When Nin says she likes “ friends with benefits who are hopelessly in love and fake dating”, you give her both. Happy birthday to a wonderfully kind person who is always so supportive! Also an AMAZING writer, so go check her out! Happy birthday!)  (Read on AO3)

Alec’s heart aches watching Magnus roll out of bed after catching his breath for what couldn’t be more than one full minute, max, before moving straight for the nearest article of discarded clothing. He wants nothing more than to tell him to lay back down, to stay… to at the very least hang around long enough to take a shower or have a drink or something. But that doesn’t fit their arrangement.

Whenever they have sex there’s no lingering around after. 

They’re friends. Friends with, well, a few perks, but they’re not dating. This isn’t supposed to be romantic, no matter how much Alec wants it to be. And he doesn’t want to lose the sex, or Magnus as a friend, so he keeps his mouth shut and closes his eyes instead, listening to the sounds of Magnus shuffling into his jeans.

“Do you still want to punch your Professor in the face?” Magnus asks, and Alec huffs out a laugh, eyes still closed.

“Maybe a little. Perhaps a round two shouldn’t be out of the question?”

Alec opens his eyes in just enough time to catch the shirt being thrown at his face, balling it up in his hands and tossing it back at Magnus with a grin. “No, but really. I’m feeling better about it. I shouldn’t let him get under my skin like that, but… god he’s just so fucking pretentious.”

“You know he’s only being that way because you’re a Lightwood,” Magnus points out. “You’re held to a higher standard than the rest of us commoners.”

Alec rolls his eyes. It’s ridiculous, he thinks, though he knows that it isn’t untrue. But at the mention of his family he remembers something else he needs to talk to Magnus about, and any amount of relief he felt a moment before is already gone.

“Hey, before you go-” he starts, thinking ruefully that this isn’t at all the way he wants to get Magnus to stay longer. In fact, he almost doesn’t tell him so he has an excuse to meet back up with him later. “I almost forgot until you brought up my family just now. I’m being forced on a month-long Lightwood Family Vacation once exams are over.”

Magnus pauses, turning away just enough so Alec can’t see his face. “Oh.”

Alec can’t see him but he’s almost positive that Magnus sounds… upset? Disappointed?

But when Magnus turns back around his usual carefree grin is back on his face. There’s something different about his expression but Alec can’t quite place it, and doesn’t have the time to analyze it.

“A whole month, eh? Must be nice. Where are you off to?”

“Italy, probably other places in Europe here and there but nothing solid planned beyond--” he almost said ‘beyond the villa’, which might be the most embarrassingly ‘rich-kid’ thing he ever uttered in front of Magnus. “--beyond that.”

Magnus nods. “Well, that’ll be great for you. When, uh, do you leave?”

“Right after exams.”

Two weeks away.

They see each other three times a week, at the very least. Sometimes more. Not always for sex - they are friends, after all, not just strangers who started hooking up out of the blue. Maybe not the closest friends (and certainly not as close as Alec would like) but far from strangers at this point. And certainly close enough that Alec knows he’s going to miss Magnus for more than just the stress-relieving hook-ups during his trip. A small, selfish part of him wants to hear Magnus say the same, but he knows he won’t.

And he doesn’t.

“Thanks for the heads-up.” Magnus grabs his bag off the floor and slings it over his shoulder.

Alec sighs, speaking more to himself than to Magnus’ retreating form. “I wish there was some way I could sneak you along. Izzy’s boyfriend got invited and they only met a month ago.”

“Too bad we’re not dating,” Magnus says over his shoulder, still not turning back to face him.  

“Yeah,” Alec replies back with a forced noise that’s close enough to a chuckle even though he can’t quite put the humor behind it. “Too bad.”

There’s a silence between them and Magnus remains where he is, hesitating just a few seconds longer. When Alec doesn’t say anything else Magnus starts back toward the door.

“See you in class tomorrow. Good luck with the essay revisions, don’t stay up too late.”

And with that he’s gone.

Alec picks the pillow up from next to him and pulls it down over his face, groaning into it after he’s certain he hears the front door to his apartment open and close, leaving him alone again.

---

It’s 10:33 pm when he looks over at the clock… only 5 minutes since the last time he looked. His essay is nowhere near completed and what he has is total trash, and all because his mind is entirely preoccupied.

A: How much do I have to pay you to write this essay for me? M: Still struggling? A: Yeah, I can’t focus. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. M: What’s on your mind?

Alec looks down at his phone, the name at the top of the screen putting a smile on his face he didn’t ask for. He sighs and puts it back down without replying. Not a ‘what’, he thinks sullenly. A ‘who’.

Maybe he should tell Magnus that this isn’t just a no-strings-attached thing for him any more. That every time they hook up he feels more and more inclined to attach ALL of the strings. As many strings as he possibly can, if it means keeping Magnus to himself for something more than what they have now.

Part of him wants to give it a shot, but a bigger part of him doesn’t want to be wrong that Magnus might be humoring the same desires. That’s the sort of misstep that would  lose what little he has now, and he can’t bring himself to chance it. That bigger part always wins.

So he’s right back where he started. Alec doesn’t want to go away for a month without Magnus, but there’s no way he can bring him along as just a friend.

...but what if he brought him along as more than that?

Alec picks his phone back up before he can think this through and talk himself out of it.

A: What if I tell my parents we’re dating. M: ...did I miss something? A: Hear me out. What if I tell them we’re dating. Then you can come on vacation with us. M: Did you hit your head after I left? A: What? We’re already hooking up. And we’re friends, we get along great. They wouldn’t suspect a thing! You get a free vacation out of it, and I don’t have to spend an entire month trapped with just my family in a foreign country.

This is a terrible idea. Alec knows that even as he types the words, but he hits send anyway because he wants this. He has to try.

M: I don’t know, Alec.

Alec’s heart is beating much too fast for his liking. Is Magnus going to turn him down? Is the idea of being with him so entirely off-putting  that Magnus can’t even imagine pretending for a few weeks?

A: What don’t you know? Food. Wine. Sightseeing. Nothing changes between us except maybe we hold hands around my family or something, I hardly think it’ll kill us.

He tries not to think about what that might do to him in the moment because just thinking about holding hands with Magnus while touring the Italian countryside is enough to send his heart into a flurry of activity that he resolutely ignores in favor of staring at the three blinking dots on his phone, waiting.

M: Alright. See what they say, and if I’m invited, I’m in. A: I’ll let you know tomorrow. Goodnight, Magnus. M: G’night, Alec.

Alec sets the phone down with a feeling that’s equal parts horror and excitement. He knows that he has feelings for Magnus. He knows how much he wants a relationship with him to be real, but he knows their arrangement and he isn’t going to be the one to break it. If pretending for a little while is the closest he’s going to get to the real thing then surely he can make the most of it while it lasts and drop it when it’s done, right?

Alec glances down and looks at the letter ‘M’ inside of a small, uneven heart that he drew absentmindedly the moment he picked his pen back up to go back to editing his paper. He stares at it for several seconds before scribbling it out in quick, frantic strokes. Maybe he’s going to need a bit of work on staying detached.

Not that he was ever entirely detached in the first place.

Shit.

What did he just get himself into?

[bytheangell]

Dreaming Wide Awake - Ch 2

(Read on AO3) (Read from the start) 

Magnus hangs up the call from Alec with a frown.

“What was that about?” Ragnor asks, and Magnus turns to his roommate lost in thought, biting at his lower lip without realizing he's even doing it. He just stands there by the balcony door he wandered towards during the conversation, leaning against it while he runs back over the exchange he just had with Alec. Once he’s certain he has it all processed he finally answers Ragnor.

“Alec wants me to go to Italy with him and his family for a month.” Now that he says it out loud there’s no way this sounds like a good idea. And judging by the look on Ragnor’s face his best friend agrees.

“Wow. That’s… huh.” Ragnor is at least attempting not to say something that sounds as judgmental as the look he can’t keep off of his features, but Magnus still rolls his eyes because he knows what he’s thinking, even if he doesn’t come right out and say it. And then he does just that. “I thought you two were just-”

Ragnor’s choosing his words very carefully, and Magnus doesn’t blame him. This is a conversation they had more than once since his arrangement with Alec began earlier that year... and by ‘conversation’, he’s being kind. Magnus doesn’t want this to turn into another argument so he cuts Ragnor off.

“-we are. Just friends.” Magnus finishes the question off in firm denial, knowing exactly where Ragnor is going with that thought.

“So you’re going on vacation with him as just friends. With his family. To Italy. For an entire month.” Ragnor emphasizes his disbelief more with each additional point.

“Not… exactly.” He isn’t going to lie about it but he knows how this is going to go over. “Only family and significant others are invited.” Magnus hesitates. “He’s going to tell his family we’re dating.”

“...but you aren’t.”

“No.” Magnus confirms, and there’s a hint of disappointment and a touch of longing behind the single syllable. “We’re just going to pretend to be. If I can even go.”

Ragnor nods once and for a moment Magnus things he might get out of this conversation in one piece... then Ragnor snorts out a laugh.

“Please tell me you know how terrible of an idea this is.”

“Of course I do.” Magnus snaps, walking over to the sofa and throwing himself down onto the worn cushions with a heavy sigh of defeat. “But I can’t let Alec know that because then he’ll realize…” Magnus trails off, unable to vocalize the end of that thought without squeezing his eyes shut in frustration.

“...that you’re hopelessly in love with him?” Ragnor fills in, the slightest bit of a smirk betraying his ‘helpful’ intentions.

“Don’t be dramatic,” Magnus pouts. “That’s my job.”

Ragnor laughs again.

“It’s a mild crush. If that .” Magnus defends, as if that makes things any better. And they both know that’s a lie, or at least turning into one the longer this year goes on. “So this should be fine. It’s just pretending, and heaven knows I’ve been dong a convincing enough job at that so far.”

“Yes, but that’s pretending you don’t care. The problem here is that you won’t be pretending to care .”

Magnus considers this for the first time with a deep frown. “Well, it’s too late either way. I said I’d go. He doesn’t want to go alone and I wasn’t really looking forward to spending a whole month stuck here without him, anyway.”

“For starters, ouch , I’m right here. And apparently not good enough to spend a month of summer with.” Ragnor raises an eyebrow. “At least I know where I stand now.”

“What did I say about being dramatic?” Magnus repeats.

“And second, yes, that sounds like an entirely normal, healthy reaction to separation from ‘just a friend’ that you clearly have no deep attachment to whatsoever.”

Magnus hates how right Ragnor is but he isn’t about to admit it.

“It probably won’t matter. I’m sure they won’t want someone new coming this last-minute anyway. And you know what? I take back what I said about it being too late. I can always change my mind and say no.”

“You could,” Ragnor agrees, and for the briefest moment Magnus thinks he’s won. “But will you?”

“Of course I will. I’ll sleep on it, and if it still seems like a terrible idea in the morning, I’ll turn him down.” Magnus says it with such forced conviction that Ragnor, thankfully, drops the subject for the rest of the night. 

---

“Guess what?!” Alec’s voice sounds from behind him before he enters Magnus’ line of sight to cross in front of him and take the seat to his right, as usual. As he passes by Alec leaves a latte on the corner of his limited desk space; it’s a ritual at this point, though Magnus isn’t sure when Alec stopped asking if Magnus wanted him to bring him a coffee and when he just started doing it.

Magnus takes the warm cup in both of his hands and allows himself a moment to bask in the warmth of the caffeine that’s about to pass his lips, doing his best to take comfort in this very needed addition to the middle of his day while trying not to think about the reason he can barely keep his eyes open in the first place.

After his late-night chat with Ragnor, Magnus had too much on his mind to fall asleep at any reasonable hour before he had to be awake for his 8 am class. Well, if he didn’t wake up a full hour and a half early to shower and style his hair and do a full face of makeup, that is. If he rolled out of bed and came to class in sweatpants and a baseball cap to hide any noticeable bedhead then he could sleep a passable number of hours. He has his priorities, though, and nothing is going to change that any time soon.

So instead of sleeping he spent hours laying awake for half the night fretting over whether or not he should take Alec up on his offer, if it came down to it. He already said yes but that was in the moment. He could come up with some excuse to get out of it if he has to, he’s certain - a concert he forgot he has tickets to, or a summer internship he should sign up for that just happens to run the month Alec’s gone. He knows it’s the responsible thing to do. He knows he should be distancing himself from this plan as much as possible. And at some point he drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning convinced that he could make that call, for the best interests of both of them.

But when Alec sits down next to him, beaming like he’s the goddamn sun itself, Magnus knows that was all foolish optimism and he never stood a chance.

“There are actually 30 shots of espresso in this cup and my heart’s going to give out before I have to suffer through my foreign economics exam later?” Magnus guesses, taking a sip of his drink before shaking his head. “Nope. Alright, I’m out of guesses, what is it?”

He definitely doesn’t need the caffeine to make his heart race now - the look on Alec’s face could only be about one thing. Alec confirms his suspicion almost immediately.

“They said yes. You, Mr. Bane, are joining the Lightwoods for a month in Italy.”

The inner conflict he feels at this news must show on his face because a second later Alec’s entire expression changes.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, frowning. “I thought you’d be more excited?” Magnus shakes his head, a slow smile crossing his features. “I am. Really, that’s amazing. I think I’m just in shock because I didn’t want to get my hopes up on them saying yes.” At least that isn’t a total lie. He really didn’t expect them to say yes, but maybe his hopes were flip-flopping a bit for selfish reasons.

“Honestly? Me too. But they had the extra ticket because Izzy and Meliorn broke up, and they didn’t want it to go to waste.” There’s something strange in Alec’s tone, like he’s keeping something more about the whole situation from him, but Magnus can’t pinpoint just what about it doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe it’s the way Alec skirts around mentioning how his parents feel about that ticket going to use for Alec’s sudden, surprise boyfriend. Before he can ask Alec is already chiming in with another question.

“But you still want to go, right?” Alec asks. “Now that it’s official?I know you said yes before but I kinda sprung the idea on you out of nowhere, and it was just a hypothetical.” Alec smiles over at him before hiding his face behind his coffee cup to take a long, satisfied sip, relaxing visibly afterward. And just like that Alec shrugs, his previous enthusiasm gone. “It’s fine if you’d rather not. I’m sure you already had plans in mind for the start of your summer and I’ll have plenty to keep busy with on my own if I have to.”

Magnus can tell that Alec is going out of his way to give him an easy out and realizes he hates the idea that Alec might actually be totally indifferent to the idea of him going or not going. Like he's just something fun to have around, if he can. Magnus has to remind himself, once more, that they’re just friends. There’s not supposed to be any serious emotional attachment here, and he can’t blame Alec for keeping to his end of that bargain. Two can play at that game… even if Magnus is the only one playing the part of the carefree, detached friend. “And miss a free trip to Italy? I do believe I was promised wine.”

Alec’s easy smile is back instantly. “Great! Because I know you’ve always wanted to visit. I already did a bit of poking around, and it’s just a seven hour bus ride from Rome to Matera if I can convince my parents to let us overnight by ourselves in...”

They don’t have time to continue any vacation planning when the Professor dims the lights and pulls up a powerpoint, and Alec’s words drift into silence while he shifts to pull out his usual composition book and pen to start taking notes with.

It takes a lot for Magnus to keep his focus straight ahead. Even when he manages to keep his gaze planted firmly ahead at the front of the room, he isn’t really hearing a single thing the Professor says. The decision he needs to make, one way or another before the next hour is up, takes over entirely.  He doesn’t know why… or maybe he does, and he just stubbornly refuses to admit it, even to himself. Because now that he has the idea in his head that he can do all of the things with Alec he’s wanted to do for weeks, for months , now, he can’t shake it. Magnus wants it. And he knows that’s exactly why he should say no.

He nearly misses the end of class, but in what feels like the blink of an eye Alec is gently nudging his arm.

“Earth to Magnus,” he says, tilting his head just a bit.

“Sorry. Looks like I need more than a latte to keep myself focused today.”

Alec just laughs. “I’ll make it a double shot next time.” Alec shoves his notebook back into his bag, standing to leave. “So you’re definitely in for the trip, right? I can tell my parents so they can finalize the travel arrangements and switch over the names?”

He should say no. He really should.

Magnus can already hear Ragnor’s voice in his head, repeating that this is a terrible idea and he should back out now before Alec has a chance to tell his parents to expect him along.  He knows it’s selfish, and foolish, and probably a recipe for disaster to go along with this.

But he also pictures himself visiting the Italian countryside hand-in-hand with Alexander - even if it’s just for a month - and he can’t imagine anywhere else he’d rather be.

“Absolutely.”

...Ragnor is definitely going to kill him.