#and just try to exist around a toy without a profound sense of Im Supposed To Be Doing Or Feeling Something Particular But Idk What about it
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let it be known that this started as what if i became a doll collector and the answer is still that im unemployed
what if i became a figure collector (<- unemployed)
#but theyre so pretty...#i know i probably don't let it show much but i love dress up stuff and like. i never really did much with dolls growing up#i DID like the dolls i had it was just like.. yk. rubber clothed po.lly pockets and whatever#and im worried that i would feel kind of awkward around them. which is silly#but like a lotta bjds are like 2 ft tall!! and knowing the respect their collectors have for them i feel like#idk. weirdly unworthy of these very expensive plastic women. basically#buhh this is so stupid and part of a lifelong sense of unease surrounding the childish things i yearn for#like im too big and clumsy for it and i wouldn't even know how to be around them anymore#wtf do you mean you forgot how to play!! buy it's true#the very strange and intense sense of shame and Need To Hide This i felt about funny dress up games as a kid. my word#im also kind of picky about their faces and head size and stuff in ways that are gonna limit me#especially when it comes to like. local selections and stuff#i don't wanna get something expensive and then be like well um. here's your shelf and uh. dust motes#what if i don't like it after all!! mnuh!!!! and the answer is (i feel) to wait on it and maybe get something cheap that speaks to me#and just try to exist around a toy without a profound sense of Im Supposed To Be Doing Or Feeling Something Particular But Idk What about it#but ive always kind of wondered yknow? and it's not something i really let myself want when i was younger#but i also don't wanna get only one and then change my mind like that would be too sad for her!!!!#but i mean it's not like only having one or two is a crime. i don't have to be a collector to have them#i dunno im so ashamed of everything and i feel so greasy and unfashionable lately so it's like. an odd matchup#not that it matters bc of course it doesnt!! shouldnt! whatever!!!#anyway doesnt help that when i find smth thats like oh.. pretty.. it's mad expensive or rare or something#feeling my heartstrings tugged for a blommor like thats just cruel#ah it's the same with my sorta sideline interest in lolita fashion it's like i can't quite imagine enjoying it enough to go all the way#so why try it? even though i know there's probably something in the wanting#whatever i should drop out and get a job. i can't i know i can't but i want money to be so honest with you#being able to truly make my space my own and surround myself with things i cherish would be nice#consumerist nesting instinct is real and im afraid it applies to me as well#it's not like that's Most of what i'd spend it on but having some way of getting at stuff without relying on others so much would be nice#especially when you're kind of embarrassed about the things in question. i'd like some privacy!! this is a tender thing for me!!! ugh anyway#whatever whatever whatever. i should go work on stuff (<- is about to go look at dolls some more)
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