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snifflesthemouse · 4 years ago

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Harry’s the Problem. His wife is the symptom. He is the real Diana 2.0 Wannabe...

Since the Oprah interview aired, my whole perspective regarding the spare and his spouse has shifted. It would seem that I’m not alone in my thought process as more and more media outlets start reporting similar stances. Just recently, there was an article suggesting Harry didn’t change; but rather, he is only finally revealing his true self. The more I think about it all, the more I’ve come to the realization #6 is the real culprit behind everything.

I’m not saying that his wife doesn’t have her own agenda or shares responsibility for her part in all this. Her hands are far from clean. What I am saying is it’s finally time for all of us to consider the cold, hard truth. Harry is his mother’s child. Harry is the bad egg, and his wife is only a side effect of the real problem here.

Had it not been for the Oprah interview, I would have never put it all together. The problem with oversharing is too much information gets put out in the public. Most assume PR firms would worry about oversaturation in the press, but the real problem comes from personal interviews they cannot control in real-time. Puff pieces can be edited before publishing so facts and statements align; live interviews cannot. Over time, one of two patterns form from this oversaturation. Consistencies, repetitions, and similarities can be found in oversaturated truth-telling. Inconsistencies, changes, and huge differences result from those like Harry who prefer their trousers scorching hot from bursting into flames from deception. When you consistently lie, the only constant is the inconsistencies.

Now, those of us who have been following these two already know by now inconsistencies and changing stories should be expected. But the Oprah interview really highlighted some interesting things I had previously missed. The interview with Dax Shephard only solidifies my theories. Up until lately, those two have been together through most everything. Very seldom have we seen Harry alone in an interview or speech. There’s never a time where the missus isn’t popping up. James Corden proved that. Then we have the Oprah interview where she was supposed to be the star of the show. But, that was the moment it all changed. That interview was the moment she became the understudy.

Think about it. Who is the one being used in the media lately? Most people would suggest that the impending delivery of child number dos is why the missus is absent. One would then argue the Apple + special with Oprah started production well before the second child was a topic for discussion. The missus is being used less and less on camera or in the media. Everything is all about Harry. Forget about when Harry met Sally; Harry Met Hollywood!

Harry is the one doing the interviews, dropping projects, and talking with big Hollywood names. Even their announced Netflix projects are focused on one of Harry’s pre-married concepts. All the wife has going for her is a book that’s only number one in the “Books written by ex-Royals who couldn’t hack it” category. Seriously though, as of this posting the Bench is #2130 on the Amazon Books list, #12 in Children’s Black and African American Story Books, #73 in Children’s Emotions Books, and #167 in Children’s Family Life Books. Being pregnant isn’t a disqualifier for being interviewed. But, apparently being just the wife is.

So, if it was his wife’s plan from the beginning to marry Harry, get him to abandon his family, move to California, and become a big star with a Prince for a husband, her plans have been ruined. And if you think about what she said in the interview with Oprah, you can actually see the moments she told us all exactly that. She clearly tells Oprah Harry was her direct link and source to the Royal Family and everything she needed to know. She didn’t misspeak or misunderstand a thing; she was telling us that Harry’s next to be markled. In every weird answer or revelation where she gave her versions for why their child(ren) were without title, saying they wed three days before the chapel, or having to cry out to HR since Harry failed to help her while she was so depressed she wanted to kill herself and her unborn child... all of it. It was all just the beginning. It may seem like she is attacking her husband’s family, but Harry’s the real target now.

In just a couple sentences, she managed to reveal who Harry really was. Harry, of all people, should (and does) know how to navigate the press. Clearly, he failed to not only help her acclimate to Royal life, but it could also even be argued he set her up for failure for the get go. Let me give you an example. When my husband introduced me to his family for the first time, he told me little tidbits of information he found important for me to know. He essentially prepped me for the meeting so things went well. He wanted his family to like me because he loved me. I wanted them to like me because I loved him, too. So, I took to heart everything he told me. Yet, Harry’s wife shared with the world how little Harry cared about that. She credits Fergie with teaching her to curtsey, google for teaching her the National Anthem, and even said Her Majesty made her feel especially welcomed. So how did Harry not do more? If they started seeing one another in the early Summer of 2016, how is it Harry failed to teach or explain anything to her prior to meeting his grandmother, the Queen, when he had months and months of time to do so? How is it he failed his wife so miserably, she didn’t even understand basic UK custom, laws, or protocols? Why might you ask?

Simply put, Harry is so much like his mother, all he knows is how to play the victim narrative while using the link to the Royal family as a nonstop ATM machine. Many people aren’t honest with themselves when it comes to Diana. She wasn’t the Mother Theresa everyone makes her out to be. Mother Theresa wasn’t a Mother Theresa either, though. Did Diana do some great things? Absolutely. Did she do them only because they were nice or great? Absolutely… not. Diana’s PR team would even have her switch up her charity causes whenever they felt it was getting to martyrdom level. They’d refer to her PR stunts as flavors. Does that sound like an innocent woman?

Not to me. This whole time we all have seen his wife as the root of all issues, but she’s the side effect. It’s becoming more clear by the day that Harry searched out her. He wanted someone with the basic Hollywood connections that he could capitalize. Someone that seemed so controlling and ambitious it would be easy to believe they were controlling him, too. Of course he knew she would invite all the celebs she did. He probably inspired that guest list. Instead of guiding her in the press and in British society, he leads her to slaughter. He hides behind her repeated gaffes and wokeness to keep on his own mission.

You see, Harry is obsessed with his brother eventually becoming king, being the “Second Son of Diana” and being the misfit. He is obsessed with his brother and father. They are all he talks about. When you obsess on something like that, it is more revealing than anything you say. Harry’s true motives aren’t protecting his wife and children. His real motive is making a name for himself like his mother did. If he can manage to get some revenge by making the Firm feel some backlash, hey that’s a bonus.

While his wife may think in her mind she will be the next Diana 2.0, the truth is we all missed who really will be. Harry is the one wanting to be Diana 2.0. If that’s the case, then that means the much older spouse for whom there are two children with, aka the wife, would be his Charles. Remember, Diana lost her HRH and titles. And we have Harry being very aggressive and pushy, to the point it seems he is trying to get ahead of a Palace announcement of them losing their titles. But it makes sense now.

They aren’t trying to lose anything, but instead Harry keeps opening his mouth to create pressure in the media. He knows his wife does not want to give those titles back. But if he himself keeps saying outrageous things, then it would put everyone in ultimatum mode. Either Harry will push hard enough that Parliament and the Queen will have enough, or the press will get so critical of the two, Harry will push his wife to agree to returning the titles.

Harry is following the Diana business model. While in the Royal Family, they both were seen as rock stars who had more star power the the Sovereign, which was an issue. Then, they couldn’t take all the abuse, coldness, and inhumanity, so they bolted for freedom. Instead of putting the past behind them, they use the past to monetize grief and trauma in such a way, they become their own brand. Right now, the trauma being monetized comes from the past, but the problem will soon come when that trauma is tapped out. He will need a source of new pain or victimhood. Enters the wife stage left.

The wife is a tool. She of course has her own plans and thinks she is the one in control or the genius. She thinks she is the one everyone wants to work with. But it’s becoming clear to her that isn’t the case and she’s been played by her elite buddies. They all want him, not her. They all duped her for him. If I can see it, and I can see her already finger pointing that Harry is the failure here, then she can see it. And that means paradise will soon be lost in those Montecito hills. His wife won’t go down without a serious fight here. I wouldn’t even be surprised if she eventually causes him to lose his special visa.

Overall, Harry hides behind his wife like a beard or shield protecting him from the press’s glaring lens. He lets her do and say whatever she thinks is great so he can keep plotting his own plans. He allows her to take the fall, look stupid, pull stunts people can see through, etc. for a reason. He isn’t completely sure he can make it in his new California life. He knows he can’t if he keeps her for too long, but he also knows he needs an exit strategy in case it blows up. So, he pins the press to attack her as the true culprit. If they split and he has to, he can return home and play the victim of her. If they split and he is doing okay in Hollywood, she can be the reason he plays victim to big named people like Oprah and Gayle.

I can see it now. An Oprah Special with Harry tonight on Apple +. Something cheesy or corny that is almost plagiarism. Like Narcissus and the Prince or something. Watch. Mark my words. Oprah talking to Harry about surviving the marriage while trying to rescue two small kids, being in the spotlight as a Royal while being gaslit by a narcissistic wife… yes I can see the green screen set up now.

I know this is difficult to digest, but I do ask you to try. While his wife is not innocent, she clearly is guilty for her own part indeed, his wife isn’t the true problem. The true problem here is a man who has a serious issue with living in the shadow of his future-King father and future-King brother, and his future-King nephew, that he has chosen to use the same exact attack model his own mother used to merch and marginally disrupt the institution that made her a star. Harry and his mother both wanted the entire spotlight, but both knew they could never have it the way they wanted it. So, they wrote their own victimhood narrative.

And here we are now. Mark my words. Harry will keep pushing until those remaining titles are removed by them forcing the hands of Parliament and the Queen. Or, they’ll push and push in the press so much the outrage and hypocrisy will leave them no other option but to renounce and re-gift those titles and rights to the line of succession. That is what he wants, even if his missus doesn’t. Also make no mistake about it. Harry is the real Diana 2.0 wannabe, not his wife. Keep an eye out. I have this gnawing feeling that soon enough, there will be plenty leaks from the wife about the husband. She won’t go quietly into the Beverly Hills… but neither will he.

#megxit #6 #harryswife #yankeewally #murky meg #diana2.0

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reallivegeekgirl · 4 years ago

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StanQuest

Something clicked on in my brain a couple months ago and suddenly Sebastian Stan became the hottest man alive. So I decided to watch everything he’s ever been in. A friend and I called it StanQuest.

Here are my spoiler-free reviews for anyone considering something similar (in inverse chronological order starting with latest works and going back in time. The stars are an overall rating of the work, not of Sebastian’s performance.

This only lists things I could find streaming for free or a price I was willing to pay. It does not count after credits scenes, music videos, or works in which he was uncredited.

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (2021) - TV show - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - This started it all. I very much enjoyed it. Good balance of humor and action, heart and heroics. I’ve watched it four times already, and will watch it again. Bucky Barnes is my favorite character of his and this is my favorite story of Bucky's so far. I can’t wait to see what he does next. (And I have a lot to say about how they treat his trauma in this show. I’ve definitely written about it before and may again.)

Monday (2020) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - This is the one where he gets naked. If that’s all you’re looking for, enjoy. It was a very realistic portrayal of a relationship between two deeply flawed people. It can get depressing. But hey, penis.

The Devil All the Time (2020) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you think Monday is depressing, this movie says “hold my beer”. But something about it is just captivating. It’s really disturbing, and if you’ve ever been screwed over by American Evangelical Christianity it might be more disturbing. Still, I’ve watched it twice. And as much of a bastard as Lee Bodecker is, he also looks really cuddly. He’s just barely in it.

The Last Full Measure (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - You will cry. A lot. It’s based on a true story. Sebastian plays a man who cares more about his career than this weird quest dumped on his desk by his boss, but changes his mind and his heart as he investigates why a war hero was denied a medal of honor 34 years before. Definitely recommend.

Endings, Beginnings (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - One of two love interests in the complicated life of Shailene Woodley’s Daphne, Sebastian is an adorable mess. The editing is interesting and fresh feeling. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean. Fair amount of sex in this movie, and you see his butt. It’s a very nice butt. I’ve watched this one a few times so far.

Avengers: Endgame (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐ - There is no reason to watch this movie if you’re not familiar with at least most of the rest of the MCU. It plays merry hob with the rules of time travel, and only makes sense if you don’t really think about it. In my opinion, the ending is really freaking stupid comsidering his character’s history, but at least it sets up TFatWS, which was amazing.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle (2018) - Movie - ⭐ - If you’re into movies that are creepy but also almost nothing happens for most of the movie, this is the one for you. Sebastian is handsome as hell, but also a complete asshole. As fine as he is, I’m not gonna watch this again. I fucking hated it.

Destroyer (2018) - Movie - ⭐⭐- I had a hard time paying attention to the plot because it seemed like they made this movie just to get Nicole Kidman an Oscar nomination for wearing ugly makeup and playing a complete mess of a person. It’s a fine movie, and all of the performances are good. Sebastian looks surprisingly good with the short hair and goatee. Ultimately, the plot is depressing and the whole movie seems kind of pointless.

Avengers: Infinity War (2018) - Movie - ⭐⭐- Again, no reason to watch this if you aren’t already familiar with all the movies leading up to it. It’s long and the villain looks like Grimace and a California Raisin had an evil baby. The ending made me scream with frustration that I had to wait until the next one came out. Now I just watch them back-to-back if I watch them at all. It’s not a good movie, but it is part of a long-form story that I enjoy in general.

I’m Not Here (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐- Another depressing one. Told over the course of one man’s terrible life, it’s a sad account of how much your parents can fuck you up. Sebastian portrays the middle part of the man’s life. J.K. Simmons plays the current day part and unreliable narrator.. Do not watch unless you are fully prepared to be sad for a really long time after.

I, Tonya (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐- This movie is hilarious. I mean, the true story is insane and really stupid. The spousal abuse is hard to watch, and Sebastian’s mustache in this is a war crime. But the acting is great and it’s a very engaging movie. The parts that aren’t horrifying are pretty funny.

Logan Lucky (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - Watch. This. Movie. Sebastian Stan is only in it a little, but it’s a really fun, clever caper/heist movie and everyone in it is fantastic. I don’t want to say anything else about it if you’re going in fresh. I’ll be rewatching this one a lot

Captain America: Civil War (2016) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you ignore how kind of silly the conflict over the Sokovia Accords is, this is a good Marvel movie. Sebastian gets a lot of screen time because Bucky is the more pressing concern/urgent point of contention than the Accords. Bucky is my favorite character of his partly because of this movie.

The Martian (2015) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - I’m watching it(again) as I’m typing this. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched it. Sebastian Stan isn’t in it very much, but he’s very cute and so is his little story arc. Mostly I watch it because Ridley Scott made a fantastic movie. If you can get your hands on the Blu-Ray, it comes with a ton of extras. They made a very complete story that isn’t all seen in the movie. A lot of it is stuff about Mars, but there are also extra “crew” interviews, so there’s another chance to see more of Sebastian’s character.

Ricki and the Flash (2015) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - He’s not in this very much, but he’s very cute when he does appear. It’s all about the relationship between Ricki and her daughter. Definitely rewatchable. Meryl Streep is fantastic, because she’s Meryl Streep.

The Bronze (2015) - Movie - ⭐ - This is not a good movie. It’s about Olympic gymnastics, so it might be slightly more interesting right now while the Olympics are happening. Sebastian isn’t in it a lot, but his performance is certainly… memorable. Weirdest sex scene I’ve ever seen. Worth watching just for that.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - This is the one I can watch over and over. I bought a Winter Soldier face mask for when I need to feel like a badass. Bucky’s story is really sad, but he’s also extremely sexy with the metal arm and determined walk.

Once Upon a Time (2012-2013) - TV Show - ⭐⭐⭐ - This show is so stupid, but it’s also fun. If you haven’t seen it, the premise is that fairy tale characters are real and live in another land. Snow White’s Evil Queen casts a spell to transport a bunch of them to a town she creates in Maine called Storybrooke, and gives them all fake memories so she can be mayor and watch them all not remember who they are. Sebastian plays Jefferson, a.k.a. The Mad Hatter. He’s in a few episodes in season 1 and 2, and doesn’t get a ton of screen time, but he’s really cute and tragic as Jefferson. It probably helps to watch the whole first season just to understand his episodes, but that’s up to your tolerance for weird shit. Note: IMDB says he’s in an episode uncredited, but I’ve watched it and didn’t see him anywhere in that one.

Labyrinth (2012) - TV Mini-Series - ⭐⭐⭐ - Two episodes that tell a complete story. Sebastian isn’t in this one a whole lot, but he is adorable. It’s a strange story about religious stuff and a sort of Holy Grail that’s three books. It’s hard to describe. It’s on Amazon Prime right now, but they’re taking it down August 8, 2021, so watch it while you can.

The Apparition (2012) - Movie - ⭐ - If you like horror movies, you might like this. I did not. From what I understand, it’s not a very good horror movie. Watch with caution and expect it to suck.

Political Animals (2012) - TV Mini-Series - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - I had to buy this through Apple and watch it on a Mac, but it was worth it. Sebastian plays TJ Hammond, the out gay son of a former American president who is clearly based on Bill Clinton. Sigorney Weaver plays the former first lady and current secretary of state. TJ struggles with addiction and relationship problems. His performance is heart-wrenching. The whole show is pretty great. I wish there was more of it.

Gone (2012) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - More of a psychological thriller than a horror movie. Sebastian has a small amount of screen time as the worried boyfriend. Amanda Seyfried is good. She carries the film well on her own.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you haven’t seen this yet, I’d like to know what it’s like under your rock. This is a movie I can rewatch a lot, and have. I 100% cried in the theater. Sebastian looks fantastic in uniform as Bucky Barnes. This is his introduction and the start of his ultimately tragic story (before he’s saved by his best friend, again).

Black Swan (2010) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - Sebastian is barely in this. He’s basically just in one scene in a dance club. But I watched it to try to complete StanQuest, and I had seen it before. It’s a good movie, but might induce some nightmares, depending on what scares you. If Natalie Portman didn’t at least get a nomination for an award she was robbed.

Gossip Girl (2007-2010) - TV Show - ⭐⭐ - Carter Baizen is a little shit. The episodes with Sebastian in them might have made more sense if I watched the show from the beginning, but I didn’t want to. His character is an asshole, but a very cute one.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐- The people who made this movie are bad at math, and their rules of time travel are sketchy at best, but it is funny and entertaining. Sebastian plays a ski patrol bro who’s paranoid about the Russians, which is hilarious irony to me. Worth watching if you want to laugh at something dumb.

Kings (2009) - TV Show - ⭐⭐⭐- Sebastian plays Jack Benjamin, the closeted gay son of the king of a fictional place. It’s loosely based on the David and Goliath story from the Bible. Sebastian is so sad and so gay. His family makes his life a living hell. Ian McShane is a force of nature in this. It’s only one season. I’ve watched it twice. I will watch it again.

Spread (2009) - Movie - no stars - This movie was practically unwatchable. It stars Ashton Kutcher and Anne Heche as a romantic couple, I guess? I ended up just skipping to Sebastian’s scenes and only watching those. Still painful.

The Covenant (2006) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - This movie is so fuckig stupid, and I will watch it a ridiculous number of times. It’s about magic and teenagers, like The Craft for boys. Nothing about it makes sense. It’s terrible, almost irredeemable, but an evil Sebastian with magic powers is a siren song that will make me steer my boat right into the rocks.

And there you have it. There are a bunch of earlier things on IMDB that I just can’t find or don’t want to pay to rent. Maybe some day I’ll watch them and add them to this list.

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lalahbug · 5 years ago

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Turning Cold - Levi x Reader Chapter 1

Fandom: Attack on Titan Word Count: 2,043

My Masterlist

Warnings/disclaim: general Sexual Themes

Author’s Note: continued under story Originally posted on DeviantArt, under the same username, on 10/10/2016. Revamped/edited in 2020.

___ is a blank for your name/oc/whatever you prefer Written in 3rd person

Line/header is to separate paragraphs to indicate time skips, as Tumblr hates my formatting.

Story under cut, 1 of 3, Turning Cold Masterlist

“Do you want my bread, Sasha?” Lilah extended the food out to Potato Girl.

“YES!” Sasha screamed, devouring it as soon as she took it.

“You leaving, ___?” Mikasa looked at her with concern.

“Yeah, I don’t feel good,” she stated, picking at the leftovers in her tray.

“You’ve been saying that a lot lately. Go get some rest.” Armin knitted his eyebrows together, showing concern as well.

“Okay.” ___ mumbled before getting up with her tray and heading over to drop it off. Of course, her feet betrayed her while she was in a haze. The tray fell from her hands, as she fell on someone during her fall. ___ sat up rubbing her temples, everything was blurry.

“What the hell, ___?” Ymir complained before looking at her. “Hey, you okay?”

“My vision is a bit blurry, sorry.”

“Oi! Who made this mess?” The mess hall went quiet as everyone looked at Ymir and ___. Ymir then looked at ___. Levi followed everyone's gaze. “___ ___! Clean this mess up at once.” Levi barked at her as Mikasa was walking over to her, to help her up. Armin came behind Levi.

“Sir, I’ll clean it up for her. She hasn’t been feeling well. I’m sorry.” Armin already had the cleaning supplies in his arms. Levi stared him down for a moment.

“I don’t care who does it, make sure it’s done right.” With that Armin started cleaning up the mess, which wasn’t that big, it was just bits of food. Levi eyed Mikasa who had an arm around ___, walking up to him.

“Sorry, Captain. I’ll make sure I get my messes quicker in the future.”

“You had only fallen like a minute before he pointed it out. Don’t say stupid things. I’m taking you to Hange.”

“What? No. I just need to sleep.” ___ stood up straight, pulling away from Mikasa. Levi eyed the two. ___ was favoring one leg over the other, her posture wasn’t as straight as usual and she was paler.

“Take Ms. ___ to Shitty Glasses.” He looked at Mikasa, then at ___, who was about to retort. He loved the way she always tried to fight him. But she was always polite about it. He stared her down, with his normally stoic face. “That’s an order.”

“Sir, I simply messed up my leg a couple of days ago. Hange already knows. I need rest is all.”

“Wait, what happened to your leg?” Eren asked as he appeared beside her, suddenly.

“Remember; her gear went defective the other day. Slamming her into a tree.” Mikasa reminded Eren. “Hange saw it happen, but she never looked at it.”

“Really. I don’t want to be a burden.”

“You’re disobeying orders.”

“I don-”

“Brat. I’ll take you myself to make sure it happens.” Levi gripped her wrist and started walking, dragging her with him. ___ glanced back at Eren and Mikasa, Eren just smirked and Mikasa gave her an ‘I-told-you-so’ look.

After a few moments of silence, Levi glanced back at ___ whose face was contorted with pain. He slowed down his pace, which alleviated her pain, as they both walked slowly now.

“You’re an idiot.”

“I’m sorry, Heichou. I didn’t want to burden anyone, but I did it anyway.”

“Of course you did. You’re fucking hurt, you made a mess, you’d be useless if something were to happen.” ___ gazed down at the floor. “You fucking made me worry.”

“What was that last part, Heichou?”

“Levi.”

“What?”

“God,” he grumbled before sighing. ”Forget it, brat.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

Levi exhaled heavily as they reached Hange’s office.

“Go in and report back to my office when you're done.” Levi started to leave her at the door.

“Thank you, Heichou!” She smiled and waved at him off before entering Hange’s office.

Levi heaved another sigh as he felt some heat come to his cheek. Oh, how he wanted to punish her, but not in a way that would hurt. ’I’ll tease her a bit when she gets to my office.’

___ stood outside of Levi’s door, holding her fist up, ready to knock, but what she really wanted to do was hobble back to her bedroom and to finally sleep. She had been in the nurse’s office with Hange for hours, getting her first cast, which took about six hours to dry. It was so late at night, she sighed softly.

“___!” Eren called out her name, making her flinch as he roused her from her reverie. “I see Hange made you get a cast. Do you need help getting back to your room? Wait, why are you in front of Heichou’s door?”

“After getting in trouble earlier, he wanted me to report back to him once I was done with Hange. I was about to knock.”

“Well you’ve been standing here for like five minutes, so I thought you might be stuck. I can carry you to bed after you report back to him if you want. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Levi stated as he opened the door. “You are loud Eren, go away.”

“Oh, of course, sir. Goodnight, ___,” Eren walked towards the basement.

“Sorry, Heichou.” Her eyes were half-lidded. She was clearly on the verge of passing out. “I didn’t know if you would still want to see me so late and I apologize for talking so loudly outside your door.”

“You should be, get in here,” Levi grumbled as he stood back so she could enter the room. On her crutches, she stood, unsure where to sit. “You can sit on the couch.”

“Thank you, that’s sweet of you, Heichou.” She giggled as she sat down gingerly. “Sorry, I talk a bit weird when I’m sleepy. Hange gave me something for the swelling since it was really bad, so I feel a bit drugged too.”

“You’ve been walking around on a broken leg for three days?”

“Yeah. I didn’t think I hit the tree that hard. Plus I could walk… It was just uncomfortable. Last night, the pain kept me up. So I’m more sleep-deprived than usual. If you hadn’t overhead mine and Eren’s conversation, I probably would have taken his offer to carry me to bed.”

“Do you like Eren?”

“What?” ___’s cheek tinted a bit. “No, he’s my friend. Plus, I am sure Mikasa likes him. I’ve learned to not take things away from Ackerman’s.” She giggled a bit, letting her blush disappear. “I tried taking her scarf once. if I wasn’t her friend, I think she would have killed me.”

“Did you forget I am an Ackerman?”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s routine to call you Capitan or Heichou. Sometimes I just remember one name and subconsciously forget the others. But I remember now, your name I mean, Levi Ackerman. It has a nice flow.” She smiled at him. Levi sat down next to her, resting his arm on the back of the couch, behind her. A small tint of pink comes to her cheeks again. “Anyways, what punishment did you want to give me?”

“Punishment?”

“For disobeying orders, I assumed that is why you wanted me to report to you afterward.”

“What do you think of me?” Levi asked bluntly, smirking as her cheeks went crimson.

“Oh, um, you’re brave, stoic, you carry humanity on your back. You’re aggressive,” she paused for a moment glancing at him before looking away. ”You have a lot of emotions, but you’re so crude that it seems to mask the less urgent ones. You have a good sense of humor, though. Well, at least I think so,” ___ played with her skirt a bit, the one Hange lent her so that the cast could be put on.

“Is that all?” Levi noticed her tense up and heat spread to the tip of her ears.

“Y-yes, sir.”

“Levi. You can call me Levi when we’re alone.”

“O-okay.” She wasn’t doing too well, she’d always made sure not to get starstruck around Levi, but she was having a hard time controlling her heart, she hunched over a bit to try control her erratic heartbeat. Levi shifted closer to her.

“Are you nervous?” Levi whispered in her ear.

“W-what?!” She sat up straight then looked away. “N-no, of course not. W-why would I be, s-sir?”

“You’re bad at lying.”

“And?” Was all she could muster so that her voice wouldn’t crack. He chuckled slightly, which caused her to look over at him, confused. Levi took the opportunity to catch her chin in his fingers.

“I like you, ___.”

Her eyes widened at his confession. “Um, okay?” She was far too confused to articulate anything else.

“And?”

“I don’t know,” ___ whispered.

Levi clicked his tongue in frustration before pulling her in for a sharp kiss. Moving his hand to the back of her neck, making the kiss more passionate, as she relaxed into it. He bit her bottom lip, making her gasp. Then, he moved his tongue around hers.

___ pulled away, breathing a bit harder, Levi was composed. His eyes didn’t leave her lips. Levi pulled her closer before kissing her again, running his hands up and down her sides. She pulled away again.

“Tch, stop pulling away.”

She was panting now. “Learn to breathe out of your nose.” Levi aggressively kissed her, tugging her hair a bit to get her to gasp, which worked. Once again his tongue wrapped around hers. He lightly sucked on her tongue before pulling away.

___’s eyes were glazed over, from the kiss, being tired, drugged, and confused.

“You’re staying here tonight.” That made her snap back to reality.

“B-but, sir, I-” She moaned slightly as he tugged on her hair.

“Say my name,” Levi pressed his lips against her neck.

“L-Levi.”

He grabbed the collar of her shirt, pulling it away a bit, kissing the curve of her neck before biting it roughly. “Levi!” He chuckled before pulling back as she clamped a hand to her neck out of shock.

“So, do you mind sleeping with me in bed?” She was far too flustered to say anything, so she shook her head ‘no’. “Perfect.” He gave her a sly smile, which nearly made her heart jump out of her chest. In one swift movement, she was scooped into his arms, he was assaulting her neck once again.

“Levi, what are you doing?” She looked at him as he sat her down on his bed. He leaned forward, pinning her arms above her head and lying on top of her. Kissing her neck, she squirmed a bit, underneath him.

“Hm, you said I could have you in bed.” He groped her chest.

“T-t-that’s not what I meant!” Her moan cut off the protest, as he bit her neck again.

“Tch, too bad,” she sighed in relief. “For you that is.”

“Wait!”

“Nope, you’re mine.” Levi pressed his lips to hers and smiled as she seemed to cave in.

___ lied in Levi’s arms, as morning light started to pour over Levi’s features, she softly pushed some of his bangs off his face. “I love you, Levi.”

“Finally,” he mumbled and smirked as she jumped in his arms a bit. He pulled her closer, snuggling his face into the nook of her neck. “I love you, ___.”

She smiled as she traced small circles onto his back, with her fingertips.

Extended Ending

“Oh, Shorty, you’re going to get into so much trouble.” Hange leaned in the entrance of his room, seeing the two pressed together.

___ tucked her head under his jaw, trying and failing to hide.

“Fuck off, Shitty Glasses. 1. I don’t care. 2. We didn’t do it. Yet.”

“Well, when you do, then you’ll be in trouble.”

“She turns 18 in two weeks.”

“She’ll be in that cast for 4 weeks after that.”

“That’s not going to stop me.”

“What stopped you last night?” Hange chuckled.

Levi looked down at her, the corner of his lip twitching up for a moment. Hange smiled at Levi, completely understanding.

“In this crazy world, full of change and chaos, there is one thing of which I am certain, one thing which does not change: my love for her.” Levi hugged her tighter making her squeak.

Author’s Note: continued I never posted the last two chapters on dA. Since it was unfinished it was deleted from my gallery, so you won’t be able to find it other than here and maybe other sites in the future. This was meant to be a one-shot but I wanted to continue it. So here we are. And that’s why there is an “extended ending” From some research I found out a cast in the 1800s, they took roughly 6 hours to dry. So that’s why I mention it.

#attack on titan #aot #aot fic #levi x reader #levi/reader #levi ackerman #fanfic #fanficition #lalahbug #Turning Cold series #lalah writes #reader insert #xreader #self insert

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hellyeahheroes · 6 years ago

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Marvel Teen Romance: Solo Boys Edition

Romance in today’s superhero comics sucks.

There are two categories of love interests when it comes to teen boys in romance in today’s Marvel.

First category is shared with the women: two characters on the same team. This is easy and standard for superhero teen on teams and is not covered in this post.

Second is for exclusively characters with solo books: one dimensional love interests who only serve to fill in a role.

Very few of the romance in male character’s books work today because the romantic partner is not defined. They are placeholder roles. Their depth is written with the same amount of enthusiasm as a person filling out an application in the cases of characters that aren’t in team books only which is completely different for males in teen books.

This is partly because most of the characters with solo books do not have a lot of time to give the supporting cast depth so love interests often turn into one note characters that could best be defined as “This is so and so’s girlfriend.”

This is extremely prevalent in Marvel teen boys solos and you want to know how you can spot how this is happening? When you the character does not have a last name or their name is not mentioned upon introduction of said character.

Yes, this happens a lot for the teen solo male characters to which I personally had to dig just to find out who these girls were. And yes, they are all in mlw romances canonically. There is no canonically openly gay male character with his own solo book.

It is frustrating because there is no excuse. You are Marvel. You literally created Peter Parker and Mary Jane. Luke Cage and Jessica Jones. Reed Richards and Sue Storm. You have an entire goddamn cinematic universe with well-defined romantic subplots but somehow when it comes to solo characters, fuck actually giving romantic love interests depth. Peter Parker probably has the largest love history in Marvel but almost all of them have a fucking last name. For fuck’s sake, even his supporting characters have better defined romances almost all of the characters on this list.

Warning: the reason I put a “?” for a lot of these characters’ sexual orientation is because I am not going to assume. They have to earn any confirmation of being straight from me by doing three things: when the idea of romance is brought up they always think girlfriend, actively deny being interested in the same sex, or call themselves straight. Only one character has done that on the boys side.

Miles Morales aka Spider-man

Orientation: Heterosexual

Love Interests: Barbara Rodriguez(current), Starling, Lana Baumgartner, Rachel Leigh, Katie Bishop, Tomoe the Technogolem, Spider-Gwen, Olivia

Miles Morales is the exception to the flaws of today’s teen male heroes for Marvel because of all of his love interests are actual characters in which he has unique relationships with. None of them are one note characters and they are diverse in ethnicity, race, and background. They range from his best friend’s having crushes on him(Lana), bad girls who want to tempt him into turning bad(Katie Bishop, Rachel Leigh), super powered girlfriends(Spider-Gwen, Starling), and fully fleshed out girlfriend who does not know that he is Spider-man or knows but has not told(Barbara Rodriguez).

Most importantly, they have a relationship with Miles through either his being Spider-man and just him or both.

Just like his predecessor, Miles’ love life starts and begins around his identity as Spider-man. And that is intentional because as much as Peter is probably one half of the most prolific comic book romance in history, he is fucking terrible at giving advice. Peter Parker stupidly told Miles not to tell his loved ones that he is Spider-man because villains target them all of the time. Mind you, this was 616 Peter Parker who told him this, not Ultimate Peter Parker because Mary Jane was the first person he told about his being Spider-man. Miles does not know that Peter has a guilt complex the size of the Australian Outback so he stupidly follows his advice until he meets one Katie Bishop.

How or when Katie and he hooked up is unknown, but we can say that it happened during Miles’ brief retirement from Spider-man. When Miles eventually resumed the mantle, he felt bad about lying to his girlfriend so he tells her.

Oh...this didn’t work as well as he thought. Gee I wonder what the problem is?

One problem: Katie Bishop is part of Hydra.

And this is why you should ask political affiliations should be major criteria in partner searching: one minute you are dating and watching movies, seems to really hate Inglourious Basterds for some reason. Then after making out awhile and becoming serious, they slowly reveal things about themselves. All of sudden, you realized that you have been dating a Nazi.

So after that disaster ended via “New Universe, who dis”, Miles is actually terrified about telling any love interest about his dual identity and fervently clings onto Peter Parker’s terrible advice that further complicates his relationships going forward because he misinterpreted the situation with his relationship with Katie. He should have learned that keeping secrets from each other is bad all-around because Katie never told Miles that she was a card carrying Hydra member because that would turn him off from her(I mean he is black for fuck’s sake). Miles, while having no reason to share his past with her while they were dating because he was no longer Spider-man, should have not completely abandoned his superhero sense, Neither of them trusted the other enough so the relationship was doomed from the jump.

This is where Barbara Rodriguez, Lana Baumgartner, and partially Spider-Gwen comes in.

Spider-man (2016) is an awkward jumping point because Bendis no longer had the Ultimate Universe as the backdrop for Miles. If I could advise anyone who was interested in Miles Morales comics, I would tell them to skip most of 2016 run because Bendis was over the place. He introduced a lot of bad ideas like Miles moving away from the Spider-man identity, the Venom web strings thing replacing web shooters, Miles becoming a secret agent, and etc. Just a lot of dumb shit. But one thing that Bendis did establish was that Miles is a hormonal teenaged heterosexual boy who has girls on the brain all of the time.

It is a over arching subplot of both Ganke and Miles trying to get girlfriends. Ganke keeps shopping Miles out to girls and Miles kind of indulges him. Until Miles goes to Earth-65.

Gwen Stacy knows Miles is Spider-man, but she is from another dimension and while they share the same mantle, Gwen’s attraction to Miles is dubious because every dimension she has been in up to the point that she met Miles, a Gwen Stacy is either dead, miserable, or evil. The one alternate reality that she has seen where she is happy is that she is married to Miles Morales with children. All of this on top of the fact that Gwen is being blackmailed by her worst nemesis as well as her father being in prison equates to Gwen is stressed and is desperate for any sort of comfort. She does not have any feelings towards Miles that go beyond platonic and it helps that of all the Spider-people, Miles is one of the few that don’t resemble Peter.

And you shouldn’t trust Miles’ feelings because he is a horny teenaged boy who spent the majority of Bendis’ last run pining after every girl who just so happens to smile at him. No really, Miles had crushes on Kamala, teenaged Jean Grey, Cassie Lang, some girl that broke up with him before they started dating, and Spider-Gwen. He was just happy to kiss a girl but not really because she is from another dimension. And right after that, he gets into a thing with Lana and Tomoe the Technogolem so really, it is not really a thing, but the movie felt compelled to make it so in spite of spitting in the face of every goddamn Spider-man theme ever created.

Lana Baumgartner aka Bombshell, however, at least is in the dimension Miles currently resides in and also is one of the two who has been in both the Ultimate and 616 universe when Miles made his switch. Now I am not sure how much is still canon with Bombshell making the switch over to 616, but her relationship with Miles is a lot like Peter’s and Black Cat’s in that she used to be bad, but now she is good and Miles is like her best friend. Regardless, aside from Ganke, Lana is one of the few people who Miles can confide in and Lana, in spite of going to Midtown, relates to Miles on multiple levels.

It wasn’t until Miles left to avenge her getting beaten up by Hammerhead that Lana started actively pursuing Miles or stating that she kind of always had a crush on him which is not at all reciprocated because he correctly deduces that Lana is dealing with Florence Nightingale effect. Of course, he may have underestimated her feelings for her because from that point on, Lana keeps texting him and he keeps ignoring her.

And finally Barbara Rodriguez.

Barbara, unbeknownst to both Miles and her, is from the Ultimate Universe as well. Apparently when Miles made the switch, Molecule Man wanted to thank Miles and not revived all of his dead family members, he also made sure would be loved ones like Barbara were around. It is kind of like an alternate dimensional fated lovers thing and since Barbara is the last thing Bendis created before he went to DC, she is Miles’ Mary Jane Watson. Saladin Almed took over writing duties for Miles and under his pen, the relationship between Miles and Barbara has been the focus of his run.

Barbara does not have any superpowers and what we know is that she is an aspiring rapper/singer who at least half of her family is undocumented immigrants or not American. She is a hip-hop head, has a bit of a mischievous streak(she convinces Miles to skip school to go to a Hip-Hop museum exhibit), and loves to banter.

And she also knows that Miles is Spider-man but because of very stupid advise from one Peter Parker, Miles keeps lying to her. This puts a strain on the relationship which is worsened because Barbara feels indebted to Miles because him being Spider-man saved her. She just wishes that Miles told her instead of lying about it.

While Miles and Barbara are dealing with this melodrama, Miles meets another girl: Tiana Toomes aka Starling.

She is the granddaughter of Adrian Toomes aka the Vulture aka one of Peter Parker’s worst enemies. Miles meets her in the middle of Tiana’s One Woman Quest for Vengeance against Tombstone and they fundamentally disagree on how to deal with Tombstone.

After all Tombstone is dealt with, Miles and Tiana kind of connect except the obstacle of his need to preserve his secret identity gets in the way.

Miles fails to realize that his secret identity is there to protect not just him and his loved ones, but ensure that he has a normal social life. There is nothing to be gained in keeping a secret from friends about who you are especially if it puts them in danger. Yes, Miles is right in not telling Tiana, who is related to a guy who would gladly attack Miles to get back at Peter Parker in someway, and I am a bit annoyed that he even considered revealing himself to Tiana who he has every reason to not trust on that level, but not Barbara who he promised to share with once he felt comfortable. It is not out of safety that he doesn’t tell Barbara which is exactly the case when dealing with Tiana. He doesn’t tell Barbara because he believes he is keeping her safe and...he isn’t. It just shows that you don’t trust her.

Miles is the only male teen hero that Marvel has who has starred in a solo comic book and has an in-depth romantic history as well as in-depth and detailed love interests. He is the only one in a period of 20 years. That is sad.

Sam Alexander aka Nova

Gender: Male

Orientation: ?

Love Interests: Carrie, Jinin, Lina

And now we are shifting from character whose history is in-depth to another whose can’t be asked to give his romantic interests a fucking last name. The writers of Nova have no excuse. Nova unlike the majority of characters here has had at least 50 issues which is 40 issues too many to have a character who was present in the very first issue to not yet have a fucking last name.

Carrie appears in the first issue of Sam’s Nova where Sam is moping about his dad being picked on because his father is the school janitor. Carrie has very little depth, but there was enough depth that would amount to an introduction.Carrie is friends or at least hangs out in the same skater clique as Sam’s bully, Karl. Karl loves to rag on Sam’s dad working as the school’s janitor and honestly, Carrie kind of likes Sam, but she is friends with the asshole as well so it had potential of being interesting.

You’d think that after this introduction that she would be more prominent, but nope. Carrie’s appearances became more sporadic in Sam’s Nova in which Sam shows that he is as emotionally dense as the sunken Titanic. The series shifted away from Sam’s school life to focus on Sam’s quest to find his father and his mother and sister. Sam doesn’t see Carrie a lot so you as a reader can’t be blamed if you don’t know that she exists.

Carrie doesn’t appear until another 4 issues later(4 months) where she is hanging out with Karl and the skater clique in which she prevents Karl from spontaneously egging Sam’s home out of boredom. And of course, Nova appears.

In which, she immediately recognizes that Nova is Sam because girls who like boys are apparently more perceptive or at least Sam’s mask is nowhere near as concealing as he thinks with the whole mouth being visible.

Next issues she confronts Sam about it and of course like an idiot, he lies because apparently it is superhero 101 to lie to your girlfriends about who you are when it is really fucking obvious.

The lie is unnecessary because Sam’s villains or would be villains could easily track down Sam due to him being a Nova. They go beyond taking his loved ones hostage. It is honestly beneath them to do so and the closest that a character has done so in Nova was Kaldera and she didn’t need to know what Sam looked like or his name. Nova’s secret identity or need of one is useless.

Carrie confronts Sam again about the Nova issue and when Sam tries to pull a Spider-man, she completely chews him out for it.

From this point on, Carrie’s appearances were sporadic and carried a somewhat hostile tone with her getting sick of Sam’s shit and also the bulk of Sam’s adventures being away from school. Carrie becomes the babysitter for Sam’s sister when his mom is busy being a single mother and Sam is out in Space doing space shit. And again, not a whole lot of depth here. And then suddenly for no apparent reason and actual use of story telling...Sam and Carrie start randomly dating.

After this, she barely appears and then she is dropped off the face of the Earth. Now I would cover Jinin and Lina, but it is a waste of time. Both characters are one note and have fewer appearances than Carrie. Point is that Sam’s romance history is indicative of an overall problem with male teen heroes in the modern age. They don’t bother with making the romantic interest as an actual character. Their role is to essentially warm the bed and house while the hero is away.

Amadeus Cho aka Brawn

Gender: Male

Orientation: ?

Love Interests:Delphyne Gorgon, Lady Hellbender, Enchantress(Hulk brained consented without Amadeus being conscious...so rape?), Vision, Luna Snow

It took nearly 20 years to develop a love interest for Amadeus. 20 goddamn years. It wasn’t even developed. It just randomly happened.

Eventhough I was rooting for Cindy Moon/Luna Snow, I’m just glad that it happened.

Victor Alvarez aka Power Man

Gender: Male

Orientation: ?

Love Interests: Ava Ayala, Iowa Bryant

Victor is criminally underused. He should be tied to both Iron Fist and Luke Cage, but he kind of went the way of the teen hero in the 2010s: shipped off to any team that needs a token black guy. Before he went down that role, he was being mentored by Danny Rand for awhile. Anyone who knows Victor knows that him being mentored by a snooty rich white guy goes as well as Jason Voorhees and pre-marital teenaged coitus.

Victor goes to school, apartently he is a budding thespian and actor, and he can’t even focus because his head is in the clouds.

Dayyuuuuuuum. I mean she talks like she stepped out of the 20s, but I understand the awe. Iowa is probably the most peculiar of the love interests here because she has this flapper-esque dialogue that is just out of place. So out of place that Victor suspects her of being tied to the resident old timey bad guy that both he and Iron Fist are searching for.

Long story short: Nothing happens to this item. She is remarkable because at least she has a last name.

Next is probably a more popular character: Ava Ayala aka White Tiger. Victor joins the Mighty Avengers and his initial thoughts of the honorable and dutiful Ava Ayala...

Awww, he gets the mush mouth when he gets flustered around pretty girls. Ava Ayala and Victor’s chemistry starts slow as Ava is a bit of a tortured soul as she constantly wants to live up to her brother’s example.What with Gideon Mace killing her brother and Arcade torturing and killing some of her old teammates: she just wasn’t in the headspace of looking for relationships. When Gideon gets loose, Ava decides to let the Tiger out and the team had to stop her from mauling her brother’s killer.

Ouch...

White Tiger eventually gets put down by the team. Victor, being the dogged nice guy that he is tries to find a way to relinquish the hold the Tiger God has on his crush. Luckily, Ava puts the God-Spirit in check, herself. After this, the two continue to support each other and form somewhat of a bond. For Victor, it was romantic and for Ava, it was mostly out of camaraderie. But after a cosmic near world ending experience that involved all of the Avengers merging their minds together thus sharing each other’s souls to one another, they finally become official.

That is one way to undercut development and get straight to the point. I mean there is not a pick up line the world that equates to soul melding and fighting off the bad guy.

Anyway, they stayed an item for awhile. There really isn’t a lot of content.

Mighty Avengers ends, but they both get enlisted into the AIM Avengers. During this transition, they broke up because Ava is all work and no play. She is married to the idea of being a superhero so much that she doesn’t value her own health. Victor broke up with her.

They don’t get bac together btw. After AIM Avengers, Victor joins the Champions while Ava joins up with Captain America. He does try to make a pass at Ironheart, but that gets shut down quick.

Rayshaun Lucas aka Patriot

Gender: Male

Orientation: ?

Love Interests: Brianna

I am not going to waste my time or yours.

This is Brianna. He asks her out on a date, but then she gets promptly turned into a mindless vampire and that shit is a bigger turn off than cis straight men.

He joins the Champions and hits on the Red Locust, but she is kind of too gay Ms. Marvel to care.

Robbie Reyes aka Ghost Rider

Gender: Male

Orientation: ?

Love Interests: Lisa

Not going to waste your time and mine, again.

Lisa literally just shows up. No introduction. She just happens.

And this is from the first series. In the next series, written by the same writer, she just disappears. So nothing of note happens and you wonder why fangirls ship him with Amadeus.

So this all of them. No, I won’t do Alpha because...no. Anyways, the girl solo’s are next(we are talking Ms. Marvel and Kate Bishop) so it should be more fun and gay. And then we will get to the big team teen love fest bonanza which is super gay and super fun.

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the-desolated-quill · 5 years ago

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Sonic Vs Harley: Send In The Hedgehogs - Quill’s Scribbles

Unless you’ve been meditating in the desert for the past couple of weeks, you’ll know that there’s a bloody epidemic going on in the world right now. The coronavirus outbreak has dramatically changed our very way of life for the foreseeable future, and us plebs have been having to get used to all these alien concepts such as social distancing, self isolation, vaccines being good and Gal Gadot murdering John Lennon with a tuneless rendition of ‘Imagine.’ These are scary and uncertain times we live in, and this goes double for the movie industry as productions are halted and/or delayed, and cinemas around the globe are shutting shop. This means that streaming services, initially dismissed by pompous filmmakers like Steven Spielberg as being lesser than cinema, has now become Hollywood’s saving grace. Oh the irony!

But I’m not here to talk about that. Today I’m here to talk about how a blue CGI hedgehog seems to be more profitable than Margot Robbie.

Jokes aside, this is actually a fascinating topic of discussion in my opinion. Both Sonic The Hedgehog and Birds Of Prey (I categorically refuse to type the whole title because I’ve got better shit to be doing other than trying to remember how the fuck you spell ‘fantabulous’) were released within a week of each other just as the coronavirus outbreak was gathering steam, and yet the box office earnings of both films are poles apart. Sonic has now become the highest grossing video game movie of all time and is, at the time I’m typing this, the second highest grossing film of the year, beating even Disney Pixar’s new film Onward if you can believe it, whereas Birds Of Prey... well... it’s not exactly flopped as such. The film’s low budget protected it from that, but it’s hardly what you’d call a success, making just shy of the $200 million it would need to break even. How did this happen? Especially when you consider that public opinion of both films a year ago would have you believe that the opposite would have happened. Everyone was massively excited for Birds Of Prey, especially after the string of successes DC have had with Aquaman, Shazam and most recently Joker, whereas Sonic...

...yeah, lets not talk about that.

Now before we start, let me just make absolutely clear that this is just my opinion. Mu subjective opinion. Normally I’d expect my readers to be smart enough to know this, but I’m talking about a DC movie here and I know from personal experience how ‘passionate’ a certain tin foil hat wearing portion of that fanbase can be sometimes. You may recall back in 2016 I received rape and death threats when I had the gall to say that I didn’t enjoy watching Suicide Squad. You know? That beloved classic that nobody fucking remembers or talks about anymore? Also there was that time when Harley Quinn fans started spreading fake rumours that the Sonic movie was homophobic in the hopes of salvaging Birds Of Prey’s box office earnings. And yes, I know it’s not all DCEU fans that are like this, etc. etc., but considering that it only ever seems to be DC fans that pull shit like this, you’ll forgive me if I’m not exactly in a very generous mood right now. Basically, if you’ve seen Birds Of Prey and liked it, that’s great. More power to you. I’m not even suggesting that Birds Of Prey is a bad movie. I’m just exploring the reasons why I think the film may have underperformed and why, possibly, Sonic The Hedgehog overtook them despite outside circumstances. This is not fact. This is just my opinion. It’s my opinion. An opinion. A subjective opinion. It’s my opinion. Okay? Okay.

Also I should point out that out of the two films, I’ve only seen Sonic, not Birds Of Prey. Believe it or not, this will be relevant later on. Again, this is not about the quality of either film. This is merely my subjective observations regarding their respective marketing and box office performance.

So why, according to the fans and the media, did Birds Of Prey underperform at the box office? There are three popular reasons for this. The first is obviously the coronavirus. Less people willing to leave the house and buy a ticket, therefore less box office earnings. Makes sense, but I don’t think that’s the whole story. Lets not forget, Sonic The Hedgehog came out a week after Birds Of Prey and practically steamrolled over the competition despite coronavirus fears. So I’m not entirely convinced of this. The second reason is that Birds Of Prey only has niche appeal because it’s based on a lesser known comic book property. Again, makes sense, but so was Guardians Of The Galaxy and Deadpool, and they were both hugely successful. Obviously I’m not saying Birds Of Prey needed to be as big as those movies. Even if it just made the same amount of money as Shazam did, it would have been successful, but it didn’t. The third reason is good old fashioned sexism, and yes, I agree that may have been a contributing factor, but I think it’s naive to place all the blame on the anti-SJWs who feel threatened by a gang of women kicking butt. Look at the 2016 reboot of Ghostbusters for example. That film received a tirade of misogynistic comments from butthurt fanboys, but it still made roughly the same amount of money at the box office as the original Ghostbusters did. The reason it flopped wasn’t because of the fanboys, but because of Sony spending a stupid amount of money on the thing in the hopes of jumpstarting a shared universe. If Ghostbusters 2016 had the same budget as Birds Of Prey, Sony would be laughing their way to the bank right now.

No I think there’s a little bit more going on here. Lets bring Sonic into the discussion and explore it, shall we?

The most blatantly obvious reason for Sonic’s success and Birds Of Prey’s relative failure is the age rating. Sonic is a PG, family friendly film with a cuddly animal as its main character. The film even stars Jim Carrey being his usual goofy self. Kids love this shit and parents will no doubt be prepared to risk a zombie apocalypse to let their kids see it. Birds Of Prey, on the other hand, is a hard R. Strong bloody violence, sexual references, everyone says ‘fuck’ a lot. No kids allowed. Of course that hasn’t stopped films like Deadpool or Joker being such giant hits, but they didn’t have to contend with a global pandemic. Plus, according to what I’ve heard from certain critics, apparently Birds Of Prey’s R rating doesn’t seem wholly justified. That if you were to cut back on the swearing and the gore, it would make no difference to the film. Now you see this is something I’ve been afraid would happen ever since Deadpool’s surprise success back in 2016. That studios and filmmakers would take the wrong lessons from it and make their films R rated just for the sake of making them R rated. We see this with movie studios all the time. One studio finds success and suddenly everyone tries to copy it without considering why it was successful in the first place. The reason Deadpool as well as other R rated films like Logan and Joker worked is because the films justified their R ratings. You couldn’t have told the same story without that R rating. An R rated Harley Quinn doesn’t seem necessary, especially when you consider that there have been Harley Quinn adaptations before that did just as well without being strictly for adults. Hell, the original Harley Quinn story from the Batman animated series was PG rated. So the inclusion of a R rating feels less like a genuine artistic choice and more like trend chasing. And now that Joker has become the most profitable comic book movie ever made, I fear this is only going to get worse in the future.

Another factor that needs to be considered is audiences’ trust and expectation. Sonic The Hedgehog’s journey to the big screen has in some ways become the classic redemption story. After the initial reveal of Sonic the Manhog, fans were understandably pissed off that a beloved video game icon was given such a grotesque re-imagining for the sake of ‘realism’ (snort). As a result of the backlash, the director Jeff Fowler announced they would revise the design and the film was postponed for three months in order to fix it. The result was a Sonic design much closer to the games and this generated a lot of goodwill from the fans. Subsequent trailers were much better received and there was a lot more positive buzz around the movie. Birds Of Prey on the other hand demonstrated the inverse of this. Everyone was hugely excited, but as we got closer and closer to the date of release, audience anticipation began to wane. The trailers received little fanfare. In fact a lot of people were largely unimpressed by it. Why?

Well first we should address the elephant in the room. The fact of the matter is Sonic has a bigger and much more passionate fanbase than Harley does. That’s not to say Harley isn’t a popular character. She is. But I think Warner Bros and DC seriously overestimated how much people wanted to see Harley Quinn get her own movie. She may have been the best thing about Suicide Squad, but considering what a total trainwreck Suicide Squad was, that’s hardly saying much, is it? I mean the villain Sandman was the best thing about Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 3. That doesn’t mean I want a whole movie based on him. It just means out of all the things I hated about Spider-Man 3, Sandman was the thing I hated least.

And that’s another thing. The fact that Birds Of Prey didn’t try to distance themselves from Suicide Squad I don’t think did them any favours. While Suicide Squad was a commercial success at the time, people haven’t exactly been kind to the film in subsequent years. I mean feel free to read my review of Suicide Squad for an exhaustive list of reasons why the film was less than enjoyable to sit through. One dimensional characters, poor editing, ugly colour palette, casual sexism, David Ayer trying desperately to look cool and edgy, I could go on. So when the first trailers for Birds Of Prey came out and we saw the neon colour scheme and Hot Topic wardrobes make a comeback, I can’t have been the only one who was slightly put off.

Which leads me to the biggest issue of all and that’s the stonking unoriginality of the whole thing. For all their boasting about how feminist and progressive they are, what is it about Birds Of Prey that makes it stand out from other comic book films? Granted Sonic wasn’t wholly original either, but at least they had the novelty of a blue CGI hedgehog to piggyback off of. Birds Of Prey really doesn’t have anything if you think about it. Here’s the impression I got from the trailers. It has the same aesthetics as Suicide Squad, so already I’m getting PTS style flashbacks, and its story doesn’t seem all that intriguing or unique. Think about it. A violent anti-hero has to protect a delinquent child from some sadistic big baddie. How many times have we seen that done in these films? Terminator 2, Deadpool 2, Logan, even Ghost Rider has told this story before. The fact that the characters in question happen to be women doesn’t change a damn thing. They even have Harley Quinn breaking the fourth wall. Like... guys, come on! Surely we can do something more original than this! It feels like the only thing Birds Of Prey has going for it is that its main protagonists are all women. But after the likes of Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel, that’s no longer a real selling point anymore. You need something else to entice people. Something that Birds Of Prey sorely lacks.

Now I’m sure any Birds Of Prey fans reading this must be getting pissed off at me, so I’d just like to remind everyone yet again that I’m not necessarily saying Birds Of Prey is a bad film. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen it. And that’s kind of my point. A week or so ago, my friend and I knew this was probably going to be our last opportunity to go to the cinema for quite some time, so we knew we had to make our choice of film count. We had a choice between Sonic The Hedgehog and Birds Of Prey, and we ended up going to see Sonic. We don’t regret it. We had a good time watching Sonic. It was a fun movie, well made and surprisingly moving at points. (interesting to note, Sonic also has the main protagonist protecting a child plot, but unlike the films I mentioned, Sonic’s story is told from the perspective of the kid. It’s a little thing, but it’s enough to make the whole thing feel fresh and unique because it’s something not even the games tend to acknowledge. Sonic is a kid and the film plays around with that, which adds to its overall charm). Maybe Birds Of Prey is a better movie than Sonic. I don’t know. But that’s not what this is about. When picking which film we would watch, it was the factors I mentioned before that we considered and I suspect what many other people took into consideration too. Basically we looked at these two films and thought to ourselves which one would we be prepared to go outside and risk our health for in order to see it in a cinema. In the end, Sonic won because, out of the two films, it looked more exciting and more unique than Birds Of Prey, and ultimately we trusted that this film could deliver what it promised. Is that fair? Probably not, but sadly that’s often how these things play out.

Birds Of Prey may have had a good critical reception, but it ultimately shot itself in the foot thanks to some of its creative and marketing decisions. And if studios take anything away from all this, it should be that relying solely on the gender of the main characters as a means to sell something just doesn’t cut it anymore.

#sonic the hedgehog #birds of prey #birds of prey (and the fantabulous emancipation of one harley quinn)#quill's scribbles

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kaermenna · 5 years ago

Text

No One

Sometimes it was easier just to firmly affirm it was "no one" than to correct the "wrong one".

Now, this is an old, really old thing I had in my WIPs ever since 2016, and I never ever published it before because I kept telling myself that I would make further progress with it. That's right, I spent the last four years with the file untouched because I was waiting for the "right time" to develop a long Modern AU for Vinceada, because I don't have enough Modern!Vinceada.

Yeah, I didn't do any of it.

But I decided I couldn't keep pushing this story back forever, so here it is. Also, I missed writing for this fandom - and this couple. I was supposed to polish and publish this during the PHLM, but I just had to get like super busy last month, even though I was technically on vacation.

Enjoy your reading, and please forgive the mistakes past me made that present me didn't notice during editing.

READ ON FF.NET | READ ON AO3

She was stupid. Completely and totally stupid. She shouldn't have even agreed to that stupid idea in the first place, but no, she just had to concede and join her friends on their ridiculous sleepover games. She should have known better. She should have asked someone to come for her rescue when they refused to listen to her suggestion of ‘just watching a movie’. She should have told them she was feeling sick and tired when they picked the truth or dare game. She should have jumped from the window of the seventh floor when they decided to create a rule of no picking dare for more than three times in a row after she went for ‘dare’ on all of the five times she was asked.

But no, she just sat there, sweating nervously, as she watched their trap being laid and baited. And now, she was caught on it.

"Do I really have to answer that?" She protested a third time.

"Yes!" Four voices shouted in unison, and the faces around her grew even more impatient.

"But I told you, there is no o-"

"The truth, Ada!" Another friend interrupted her attempt at evasion.

She sighed. Even though she always said ‘there is no one’, they had spent the last few weeks trying to find a different answer. Probably due to a few months of investigation that confirmed that yes, she was most likely dating someone. If not, then she was at least madly in love with someone. However, they still didn't have the name of said someone, and that was the last thing they needed to complete their evil plans.

They had probably come to hate Ada's discretion very much.

So now they had changed their tactics, going for kidnapping and interrogation instead of spying. Cunningly arming their scheme before finally directly asking 'Who's the lucky boy?' and she found herself cornered and helpless.

She glanced at the girls around her who waited anxiously before she looked down and answered shyly.

"I can't tell."

Their reactions were mixed.

"So there is someone!"

"I knew it!"

"What do you mean you can't tell?"

She shrugged awkwardly, eyes going from the floor to the walls, then the ceiling.

"Things would get... too... complicated... if anyone knew it..."

They grunted in annoyance, but one of them jumped and shouted again.

"So, does that mean you two are together?"

All the thirst for information came back to their eyes.

"What?"

"How long?"

"I knew it!"

"Why didn't you tell us?"

Ada buried her blushing face in her hands, asking herself once again how could she be so stupid.

"I don't want to talk about this..." She declared in protest.

"You have a secret boyfriend and don't want to talk about it?"

"Do you even know what 'secret' means?" Her accusation came out as a shriek.

"C'mon, you probably talk about him to someone else, why not us?" The one who asked - demanded - for ‘truth’ tried to compromise.

"No, I don't," she raised her face and stared at them dead serious, “There's a reason why I can't tell. To anyone. If not, then we wouldn't be so discreet about it, or hiding it in the first place."

There was silence in the room, as they quietly acknowledged her words. Ada hoped this time they’d take no as no and let the topic rest, at least for a while.

But of course, her peace didn’t last.

"Okay, but can you tell us how he is?" The instigator attempted once again.

"What?"

"Is he good looking?" Another one tried.

“I don’t th-”

“How old is he?” The question made Ada blush even more.

“Why are you asking this?” She tried to shut them up.

“Wow, that old?” They would never shut up.

“He must be rich and famous!”

“What if he’s married?”

“He might have kids already.”

"You're not making any sense!" She tries to be louder than their musings, hoping they would listen to her and put an end to their weird brainstorming.

"You're not giving any answers!" One of them replies in the same tone, laughing at her distress.

"Fine, then! No, he's not married. No, he doesn't have any kids. Happy now?"

Their smiles didn't reassure her at all.

"Is he rich?"

Ada grunted and buried her face in a pillow, laying down and hoping they would get tired of making wild guesses and just leave her alone.

"You know what?" They continued to talk among themselves, "I bet he's super hot."

"And he could keep his relationship a secret for so long? Are you sure?"

"He's probably older too, she didn't deny that."

"And besides, if he were around our age, then there wouldn't be a problem with them openly dating."

"Maybe it's his family..."

"A rich and influential family, you mean?"

"That wouldn't allow their promising heir into a relationship with a young and inexperienced girl?"

"A forbidden love! So romantic!"

"But if that were the case, then how would they even meet in the first place?"

"It wouldn't be a problem if they had ever gone to the same event at least once."

"But to grow to a relationship you need more than that, no?"

"So, a previous acquaintance that eventually grew to a lover? A forbidden lover?! So much more romantic!"

Ada refused to move and to encourage them with any of her reactions.

"So, it's someone older, rich and from an influential family. As well as a previous acquaintance."

"Also someone that would shock a few people, so they have to keep it a secret."

The silence that followed their discussion made Ada get even more nervous.

"No..." A shocked voice broke it first.

"It couldn't be..."

"No way..."

A thrilled one concluded their thoughts.

"It's Gilbert!"

Ada shot her head up. Her face was so much hotter that it felt like it was melting, her ears were burning and her vision got blurred for a few seconds. She had thought she was at the peak of embarrassment before, but now her outraged protest reached a volume she didn’t know to be possible.u

"What?!"

She didn't even have the time to deny all of that before they jumped screaming around the bedroom.

"I knew it!"

“No, you d-”

"Oh my God, that's so beautiful!"

“Listen, this isn’t-”

"And you didn't tell us?!"

“But it’s n-”

"Now I know why I never saw him with anyone else!"

"I know, right? I should have seen it coming!"

"I always knew it!"

Ada sighed. No attempts on denial would make them shut up now. She finally collapsed on the bed and hoped she was tired enough to sleep through all of their noise, hoping and praying that they would leave her alone for the rest of the night.

Apparently, she never got tired of being wrong.

In the morning she woke up sooner than usual, hoping to slip away while they were all sleeping. But it seemed that she underestimated them once again, considering they were all up and wide awake before she even brushed her teeth. They crowded all around her with questions, suggestions, and insinuations, and after such a long night she felt too tired to even argue with them. However, her silence only appeared to encourage them even more.

“How long are you two going to hide it?”

“Does anyone suspect it?”

“How do you guys go out on dates?”

“What do you think your brother is going to say when he finds out?”

“Oh, what about his brother?”

The worst thing about the interrogation was that they would answer their questions themselves, with unlikely scenarios and overly dramatic lines, leaving no place at all for Ada to explain herself. Their delusions were ridiculous to the point of making her roll her eyes, which they would always take as a sign that they were right. (Then Ada would roll her eyes once more and they would scream in happiness).

She tried to shut them out, focusing on her phone and on avoiding them to see what she was texting.

“Hey, did you two already like each other when you were kids?”

She rolled her eyes once again, they were impossible.

“Now, the real question: Is Gilbert a good kisser?”

She sighed an nth time.

“Alright, that’s it! Just listen!” She raised her voice as she finally spoke, “I don’t know what you guys are on, or whatever I did to make you all think I am in some kind of relationship with Gil. But, as I tried to explain to you the entire night, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, going on between us. And if you’re going to insist on this absurd based on a weird misunderstanding, then please, do it quietly and with no more questions! Also, please, don’t ever speak about this to him, I would die of embarrassment!”

They all stared at her in silence. At first, Ada thought it was because she rarely spoke in that tone, and she didn’t have the habit to get mad or even scold them. But then the Instigator from last night finally moved and she remembered what they were really concerned about.

“So it’s not Gil?” Her voice was so broken that Ada almost felt sad as well.

“No, it’s not Gil,” Ada’s voice was a lot calmer as the relief washed her nerves, “And I would appreciate it if you all let this matter be.”

One of them actually let the tears fall.

“Gilada is over!”

“It never happened in the first place,” she tried to comfort them, “And Gilada is a terrible ship name.”

“I knew it…” A choked voice muttered.

“Now we’re back to step one,” another one complained.

The collective sigh made Ada smile. Peace, at last.

“I have to get going now. Sorry about leaving so soon,” Ada spoke while taking her backpack and heading to the door.

“It’s okay,” the girl who proposed the truth or dare tried to look unfazed, despite the face of disappointment, “And I guess we’re the ones to apologize. Last night was probably too much for you.”

“And if I stay any longer, you guys will recover and interrogate me again,” Ada laughed, “Let me escape while I can.”

“Ada,” the Gilada shipper called her, “Are you sure you don’t want to wait? I can drop you at work.”

“I can’t afford to be late today, but thanks!” She said absentmindedly, her eyes locked on the phone, “And don’t worry, I got a ride already.”

“Really? With whom?”

Ada froze. Then she started to curse silently. Stupid stupid stupid.

“No one,” she blurted out. Then she cursed herself a little more.

She was cornered one more time.

“Don’t tell me…”

“Is he really…”

“I knew it…”

“All right!” Ada rose her hands in defense and tried to stop them from whatever fangirl thing they would start this time, “Now, please, keep in mind that I’m not going to tell who he is, give any hints or indications, nor satisfy your endless curiosity. He’s going to pull over, I’m going to jump in, and all of you are going to stay inside to avoid seeing his face.”

“Stop being so paranoid, Ada!” Her speech didn’t affect them at all.

“Yeah, what’s the big deal about us finding it out?”

Ada bit her cheek, her jitters taking her words away.

“Guys, please!” She tried to beg, but her timing was terrible as always.

“Is that his car?” A loud voice shrieked.

They all crowded around the window, looking down at the car that stopped in front of the house. It wasn’t his car, Ada noticed. But she recognized that one, as it belonged to one of her dearest friends. And unfortunately, the girls with her recognized it too.

When the first one showed the signs of fangirling, Ada ran to the door, desperately trying to escape from the torrent that was about to fall over her. She immediately closed it behind her, but that wasn’t enough to muffle their screams.

“THAT’S GILBERT’S CAR!”

“OH MY GOD!”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT WAS REALLY TRUE!”

“I KNEW IT!”

“WE WERE RIGHT!”

“YOU’RE SO LUCKY, ADA!”

“OH MY GOD, HE’S SO CUTE!”

“GILADA IS BACK!”

“I KNEW IT!”

Ada ran to the car, red face and ears itching, her eyes tearing up. They would never shut up now, they would never stop the suggestive glances, the obvious giggles, and the mortifying comments. Not to mention the questions, the rumors (they wouldn’t hold their tongues even if they promised on their mothers’ graves), and worst of all, the mortified look of Gil when he found out about all of it.

It’s over, Ada concluded, My life is over.

He was laughing and Ada was contemplating the idea of killing him.

When she had entered the car she had ignored his questions and tried to pretend she wasn't listening to the screams of the four busybodies inside the house. She looked straight ahead, eyes burning holes on the windshield as if her face wasn’t in the reddest blush he had ever seen.

And boy, did he ever see her blush.

However, after a few minutes of stubborn silence and uncountable annoying questions from him, she sighed and finally cracked and told him the events of the previous night, still not daring to look anywhere besides the road ahead. It was difficult, and it took a while, as she appeared to be unable to say one single understandable sentence, and he had to put the pieces she spilled out together until he finally understood the situation.

Then he had to pull over because the burst of laughter that came upon him was too strong for him to keep driving.

He had been laughing for five minutes by now, and apparently was nowhere near to stop.

Ada still didn't find any of that funny.

"Why are you still laughing?"

"Why aren't you laughing? This is hilarious!" He said, wiping out a tear.

She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted, which made him laugh even more.

"Cut it off, it stopped being funny like, ten minutes ago." Her voice was embarrassed and annoyed.

"Sorry," he attempted and failed to contain his laughter and look serious "But Gil? I always thought they would guess wrong, but that's a whole different level."

"Still not funny."

He turned to her with wide eyes.

"Are you serious? It's even better than when Nii-san found out about us, and that was priceless! Wait till he hears about this."

"No!" Her eyes burned with angry tears, "You won't tell him a thing about this story."

He shrugged, "Knowing your friends I probably won't have to."

"Oh, really? Because I think Gil is dense enough to not notice a thing."

"Ada," he rebutted her nervous argument, "They are too noisy even for his obliviousness."

"And so are you! So shut up!"

He chuckled.

"I'm not good at hiding things from my brother..."

"Liar."

"But," he ignored her interruption, "I'll keep this nice piece of gossip to myself."

"Thank you," she sighed in relief.

"Anytime," he smiled as he took her hand, "And Ada?"

"What?"

"If they reached that conclusion, then it's very likely that there's some kind of rumor involving you and Nii-san going around."

Ada froze.

"You think so?"

He shrugged as if that matter held no importance to him.

"It's just safe to guess. I doubt they would get to that conclusion without some sort of base."

“No way.”

"And it's not something new either," he continued.

"How can you even guess that?"

He leaned his head back on the seat with an expression of ultimate delight and a sly smile on his lips, "Remember what happened when you told your uncle you were in love with someone?"

"Yeah, Ojii-san and Onii-chan thought…” Ada’s mind froze as she recalled that mortifying day, as the realization slowly dawned upon her, “They thought it was Gil."

"See how funny this is, now?"

"No!"

Vincent resumed laughing.

“Stop it. There’s something important going on and you’re laughing!”

"The greatest prank in the world and I'm not allowed to laugh at it. How cruel, Ada."

"You're laughing at me."

"I'm laughing at them."

“I don’t care who you’re laughing at, just stop it and help me to figure out what we’re going to do.”

He squeezed her hand and pulled her closer.

“We are going to pretend we have no idea of what they’re saying. We’re going to watch them run around and misunderstand everything and laugh at all their ridiculous theories. And when the time for us to go public comes, we’ll film their reactions, post it online and that video will go viral.”

“This isn’t right.”

“Well, you tried to tell them they were wrong, didn’t you?”

His hair fell over his shoulders, which would make Ada have an urgent need to run her fingers through them if she wasn’t focused on looking deadly angry.

“Oh, yeah? What about your brother? Will we laugh at him too?”

“Nii-san knows about us. It’s not like he won’t understand.”

“Still, we should clarify things with everyone.”

“Since when do I care for everyone?”

“For the sake of your brother!”

“Is it so bad that people think you two are dating? If anything, it just gives us a better cover.”

“Vincent!”

“Ada! Just think about their faces when they find out the truth!”

“I can’t. The only thing I’m thinking about is how Ojii-san couldn’t hold a conversation with Gil without threatening him.”

“Yeah. That was hilarious!”

“Can you be serious about this for once?”

“Can you relax about this for once? The only other solution for this situation is to simply tell everyone”

“You know we can’t do that just yet.”

“Then why are you so worked up about this?”

“I just… don’t like this whole story, okay? People are thinking Gil and I are dating! We must have done something to make them think that.”

“If that’s the problem, don’t worry. I’m not jealous of you two.”

“Shut up! How am I going to face my friends after this?”

“The problem wasn’t Gil?”

“Well, he’s my friend too!”

“Really? I heard you two were together!”

“I’m going to break up with you.”

“No, you’re not,” he cupped her face and brought her forehead close to his, “You love too much.”

“And you’re lucky I do.”

“Yes, I am. And for your endurance I’m grateful,” he twirled a loose strand of her hair around his finger, and his smile got gentler and warmer, “So don’t mind the rumors. Nii-san won’t probably hear about them, and if he does, he won’t mind them either.”

“I’m still worried,” she sighed, “If they can come up with stories like this, then what else will they spread around?”

“I doubt it will be anything bigger than when our relationship is public. And even then you won’t have to be concerned about anything. Remember, I’m right here with you.”

She allowed him to pull her face closer then, and to kiss her worries away.

“Here, Gil, there’s some cake on your face.” Ada proceeded to sweep some frosting off her friend’s face.

“Oh, thanks, Ada.”

“See! That’s why people think you two are dating!”

“People think what?!”

“Vincent!”

#pandora hearts #vinceada #vincent nightray #ada vessalius #honestly it is such a relief to post an old work #my fics #otp: the one that got away

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queer-starling · 6 years ago

Note

Flower ask: also all of them. you get to suffer with me >:3€

oh darlin’ we’re in it now huh

Alisons: Sexuality?

homogay

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

she/they | all gender will be shot on sight

Amaryllis: Birthday?

sept 23rd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

monkshood

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

stranger things or ghost adventures

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

like? distance? a couple miles probably

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little lifeIs rounded with a sleep.” William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

wild cherry capri sun

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ima change that to ‘kiss the last person u thought abt kissing’ bc YES

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

*jenna marbles voice* hell yeah!!

Baneberries: Favorite song?

waiting for the end - linkin park

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

chaos

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i have too many to list !!! brandi, kasey, you, liz, ivy, nick , just to name a few!!

Begonia: Favorite color?

blue uwu

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

foxes !! and opossums

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night time babey

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

either a fox or an opossum or a raven, i think

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

i wanted to be a vet !!!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

theyre ok as long as theyre not screaming and/or mine

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

i don’t liike vomit bc. nastey (trauma i think) and i don’t like old ppl well. i dunno why? they’re just so old and fragile and helpless and sometimes they’re really mean and idk i think it’s like something to do w death or something LMAO idk. also i just hate the idea of becoming old and having to rely on other people ?? hhh

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i was bullied a lot

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?

realistically? probably playing dead by daylight with my girlfriend ADFSGRHYUTR

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

happily taken

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

ireland, scotland, alaska, greece

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

whenever my friends or family tells me they love me but esp when u text me goodmorning or when we say our goodnights sorry im gay haha

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?

i have. uuuuhh 6

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

no!!! i want some tho :(

California Poppy: Height?

i think im like. 5′5 or something? give or take an inch ?

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

oh absolutely. my house is haunted as we speak

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?

bmth hoodie and pajama pants w foxes all over them. i just woke up lol

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yeah i always keep one on in the bathroom

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?

my sister bc she came home from college yesterday

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

ask me in like. a little over a month from now ;)

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

FONT??? the animal crossing font

Columbine: Are you tired?

oh absolutely

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

thanksgiving, christmas, seeing my gf, magfest

Coneflower: Dream job?

idk if it’s a job but i just wanna own like. a ranch that takes in all sorts of animals and takes care of them

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

ooooh yeah

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i mean. depends on what they want/need. distance wise? i’d travel the known universe for u

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

he was a plaid teddy bear his name was Stanley!!!! i miss him :( but now i have Little Moon God as my favourite stuffed animal

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libro

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Working in Yellowstone is something I’ll never forget

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

well. hmm. i was gonna say flying to yellowstone but maybe driving to north carolina by myself bc driving long distances alone to places i haven’t been before gives me hella anxiety (i’m better now)

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?

i don’t pay rent in this house to listen to their opinions lmao.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

you, i think, when we said goodnight last night!!! EDIT: you this morning!!

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

being bad at dead by daylight

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

dead by daylight

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

(little over a month now but uhhh) GOT A UH ......GIRL.....FRIEND ...... GOT TO VISIT GIRLFRIEND ........ and got the windshield finally replaced in my car

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

i dont know! so far ive laid in bed now im at my computer answering this. not too bad. my shift is only 4 hours today.

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

for the most part, i’m pretty content, yeah

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

MOVE OUT

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my friends, my mom, my sisters, my girlfriend, my bastard dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

metal

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

what does this mean. physically, i’m very affectionate, i just. don’t show it alot bc anxiety/i overthink. that and i constantly tell ppl i love them and what they mean to me

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

whoever is reading this

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

wake up next 2 a cute girl. take way too long to get up. go climb mountain w cute girl. vibe on mountain w cute girl. go to waffle house 2gether. gome home and vibe. play video games or watch a movies/tv w cute girl.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?

i like to make art or play bideo jame

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

oh gosh i dunno. the ones i’ve known the longest are kasey and brandi, and i’ve known them both around/over a decade i think. we met in middle/highschool!

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

you, ivy, liz

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

so many

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

idk man but i remember when you said u had a crush on me and then i posted a selfie and u were like ‘OH NO SHE’S CUTE” and like ??? idk i think that was definitely the first compliment to ever shock me LMAO

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

6.9/10

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my tattoos

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGViLwHEUk

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked to play zombies ate my neighbors on the sega genesis !!!!

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

eliza !!!! we lost touch a few years after i moved away :(

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

ima be real everything makes me feel guilty

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?

aaaaaa the whole abi/moon incident

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

my name is fox. it means i like foxes

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

northern virginia babey !!!! that place fucking sucks!!! but everyone who lives up there thinks they’re hot shit.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a bunkbed and i think the walls were pink

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?

😬 i’m just gonna say i’m much happier now and i’m coping with life and shit a lot better

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she’s sweet and funny and i love her so much!! she always does the Most for everyone, sometimes to the point where she isn’t concerned abt herself and i see where i get it from. but yeah my mom is great, my dad doesn’t deserve her

Onions: Tell about your dad.

source of a lot of trauma and why i have so many issues regarding men. i don’t wanna talk about him anymore LOL he doesn’t deserve the attention

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my dad’s mom is becoming senile and i think she’s racist and queerphobic. my mom’s parents disowned her a few years ago so we don’t talk to them anymore

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

i dunno. i don’t try to remember my birthdays. whenever i can go to busch gardens for my birthday i usually have a lot of fun there.

Peony: What was your first job?

if you don’t wanna count working w my mom as a florist, target was my first job back in 2016. i found my name tag the other day , actually

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

WELL, i know you followed me on here first. and then twitter?? but we didn’t really start talking until stranger things 3 came out (thank u stranger things) PHYSICALLY, we didn’t meet until fursonacon (haha. i remember when u texted me that u got to the hotel and i came down to help n i saw u unloading yr car and it was then that my brain was like OH NOOOOOOOO and my heart was like OH YEEEEAAAAAAAH)

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physical, mental, or emotional? i play a video game or listen to loud music

Pink: Where is home?[

somewhere in appalachia i can feel it in my stupid soul

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

idk man i’m pretty content w where i’m at now so

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

chester bennington

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

i have a waife and we have many great pets and we live in a log cabin in the mountains or in a nice victorian in a small town or something IDK but we’re happy and that’s all that matters

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

God

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my mom, me best friends, my girlfriend

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

my girlfriend’s laugh because it’s THE cutest shit and then when she giggles??? oh my heart

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oct 23rd, 2005, we brought Fat Boy Zack home !!!!

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

July 22nd, 2016. i was 2200 miles away

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?

to be holding my girlfriend >:(

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

those i hold dear

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

enough, i guess?

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

my girlfriend

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

it’s fucking BORING and TOO EASY and they don’t pay me ENOUGH but i can get away with so much shit there so ima still go, ima still go

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

all of the flannels currently in my possession

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.

mountains, woods, forests, cabins, autumn, cryptic, occult, victorian, edwardian

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

if someone gets me a gift i’m legally required to execute them

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this 40hr workweek i got coming up

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

i have not read in So Long

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Moved out away from here lol, we’ll see

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m a furry

that was SO LONG im sorry i also put you through that but THANK YOU ENJOY READING ILU <3

#littlecation #ask #long post

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astarisms · 6 years ago

Text

lacuna

pairing: natan word count: 8154 summary: for better, for worse. in sickness, in health. she had taken those vows, even if he didn’t remember it, and she would not break them. all human amnesia au. notes: this is a project that’s been three years in the making. it will be in three parts (that will come later), but i thought natan week was the perfect opportunity to finally post it. i finished this part in 2016 and haven’t edited it, so it will also follow how my writing has changed since i started this project. i hope you all enjoy, and happy @natanweek! :)

saudade

(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near

again to something or someone that

is distant, or that has been loved and

then lost; “the love that remains”

origin: portuguese

The steady tone of the heart monitor was what had eventually coaxed her to sleep every night for three days. It was the comfort, the constant reassurance that he was here and he was alive and that the fear that had nearly brought her to her knees when she’d gotten the call was unfounded.

It was only fitting that it would be the heart monitor that woke her as well — but there was something wrong. Before opening her eyes, she just listened for it, the confirmation of his life, but the timing was off. It was faster than the tone that had been ingrained in her mind, consumed every sleeping and waking moment.

She shot up, immediately alert and prepared for the worst, her eyes darting to the hospital bed that took up the middle of the room where he’d been, unmoving, since he’d come out of surgery. Except now there was a twitch to his fingers, a turn to his head, a murmur on his lips.

She realized then that the change in the heart monitor wasn’t a bad thing, but a good one. Her eyes burned but she pushed back the urge to cry, making her way out of the room as quickly as she could without tripping over all the machines and yelling for a nurse, her voice breaking tearfully.

Within moments the small room was filled, nurses rushing in and talking to each other in terms Natalie couldn’t understand. His doctor was next, side by side with another nurse mumbling something about paging the surgeon.

Unable to breathe with so many people in such a small space, and unable to see him anyways with the crowd that had gathered around him, Natalie stepped out into the hall and leaned against the wall beside the door.

She sighed shakily, looking down at her hands without really seeing them, her vision blurring. She twisted her wedding band around her finger anxiously, trying to ease the thundering of her heart and the racing of her thoughts.

Was he okay? How did he feel? Was it too soon? Could they go home and finally put this nightmare behind them?

The questions were endless, circling round and round, taunting her as much as the noise in the room behind her was, reminding her that they were there to see him wake up and she was out in the hall.

Hearing a low groan beneath several overpowering voices, Natalie squeezed her eyes shut and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, taking several deep breaths to keep the relieved tears at bay.

Flashes of that night, curled on the couch to wait up for him, watching some cheesy TV movie, cold pizza waiting for him on the counter. Her phone ringing and absentmindedly reaching over to answer it without glancing at the caller ID. Ipos’s voice, usually so chill and smiling, solemn in her ear, straining like it would break. Horror settling in her bones like ice, immobilizing her. Ipos’s voice vague and distant in her ear, something about having sent Zoe to pick her up and take her to the hospital already.

It had undoubtedly been the worst night of her entire life. They had already taken him in for emergency surgery when Zoe had dropped her off, and the wait had been agonizing. Hours without any updates. Hours of replaying every moment with him. Hours of being stricken with the thought that their goodbyes that morning had been goodbye in the most literal sense.

The relief when they’d told her he was stable was palpable, but there was a catch — he was unconscious, and they had little to no idea when he would wake up.

Three days had felt like an eternity, but now she was grateful that that was all the time it had taken for him to regain his consciousness. She couldn’t imagine if she had had to wait much longer — three days had made her restless enough.

She lowered her hands from her eyes, turning to peer inside the room when she heard his voice, rough with pain and misuse. She couldn’t hear what he was saying, and she could only catch glimpses of him from where she stood, but it was enough. It was a confirmation she couldn’t get from heart monitors, or the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

He was awake. He was okay. They would go home soon and he would recover the rest of the way there and everything would go back to normal.

She stared down at the floor, trying to catch bits of the conversation, but the doctor’s voice was too low. She didn’t know what the verdict was yet, she didn’t know how close he was to recovering, but he was awake, and that had to be good news.

After all, waking up had been the last obstacle they’d had to face. His recovery, slow as it may be, they would conquer together at home.

After several minutes, people started to file out of the room one by one. Natalie moved to the side as much as she could while still peering into the room, more and more of him revealed to her as the room cleared.

The doctor remained by his bedside even as the last nurse finished adjusting his IV and left. Natalie, feeling lighter than she had in days and with a bounce in her step, walked back into the room and to the doctor’s side.

He looked from the doctor to her, all sharp lines and tired brown eyes, and she couldn’t help her watery laugh.

“You scared the crap out of me, dude,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching out to take his hand.

“Uh, Mrs. Dev-”

“Who the hell are you-”

“Mr. Devante, please, a moment-”

“Did you just say missus?”

Natalie was a bit stunned by the swiftness of everything — Lucifer pulling his hand away from her as if he’d been burned, sending her a suspicious look. The overlapping voices, their exact words taking a second for her to process. She could only stare with wide eyes, unsure what was happening.

“I — What?”

“Mrs. Devante, I had meant to speak with you before you came in, because I felt this might be the case as soon as we spoke.”

Her chest constricted with the implications of his solemn tone.

“W… What might be the case?” she asked, hesitantly, afraid of the question itself just as much as the answer.

“I’m afraid I think your hus— Mr. Devante has a case of amnesia.” He looked between the two of them, to ensure Lucifer didn’t feel like he was being talked about instead of talked to.

He kept talking, something about how it was not a surprising turn of events after brain surgery, something about not being able to tell if or when his memories would return, something about hope and therapy but Natalie heard none of it, her world closing in on her.

Suddenly she found it hard to breathe. Her vision swam and her ears rang and she barely heard her own voice cut off the doctor.

“He doesn’t…” She turned to look at her husband of 5 years. Her best friend of even longer. So many years… “You don’t remember me?”

He shook his head.

... gone.

It felt like a slap in the face.

“...Are you sure?” It was a stupid question, she knew it even as it slipped past her trembling lips, she knew it even without the look on his face that told her he thought it was a stupid question. And though it was silly, though it was a little breathless and desperate, in that moment it was all she had.

“I’m sure.”

“...Oh.”

“Mrs. Devante-”

“Why do you keep calling her that?” Lucifer snapped, glowering between the two of them. The doctor looked alarmed for a second, before looking to Natalie inquiringly.

“I...I’m your wife. Natalie. Your wi-”

“Bullshit.” Natalie flinched, and floundered, unable to think of a reply in the wake of his harsh tone. He looked to the doctor. “Could you stop calling her that?”

“Um-” The greying man glanced at Natalie again, cautiously.

“...My, uh… Natalie is fine,” she said softly, eyes dropping from Lucifer’s irritated expression to the stark white sheets.

“Ah, well, yes. Perhaps it’s better if we let Mr. Devante get his rest? After all, proper rest is key to a speedy recovery.”

“Haven’t I been resting enough?” Lucifer scoffed, but settled back into the pillows anyways.

“A coma is not the same as resting. We’ll get you some food soon, to see what you’re able to keep down as well.”

Lucifer grunted, but otherwise didn’t reply.

The doctor touched Natalie’s arm, and she scrambled off the bed.

“Right. Um, I hope you uh, rest… well,” she said, stumbling over her words and avoiding his eyes, unable to keep the disbelief from her voice but doing her best to mask the hurt regardless.

She turned and ducked out of the room as quickly as she could, the doctor on her heels. He shut the door softly behind them and turned to look at her.

“Is — is it permanent?” she asked, quietly even though Lucifer was well out of earshot now. She looked up at him with big, hopeful green eyes, and he really wished he could give her a different answer.

“There’s no way of telling,” he said slowly. “It could be permanent,” Natalie took a shuddering breath, and he hurried to continue, “but there’s also a chance he could regain them, quickly or over time. It’s a matter of circumstance. Every situation is different.”

She nodded slowly, glancing at the door and wrapping her arms around herself. He had been in this field for too long, and was good at recognizing the signs of her resolving herself now to face what laid ahead.

“Yeah. Okay.”

“I’m sorry there’s nothing more we can do,” he added sincerely. Natalie gave him a bright smile, but he’d seen a lot of those too — it broke his heart to note that hers was one of the most authentic, if a little strained, like she hadn’t had to use her perfected grin in some time.

“You’ve done so much already. Thank you. Him being okay is the most important thing.”

He nodded, his years of experience betraying him when he was unable to find a way to comfort her.

“My pleasure, Mrs. Dev—”

“Please,” she said, a shaky exhale. “Just — could you call me Natalie?”

“Of course.” Her smile this time looked a little more genuine. “I’ll leave you to it, Natalie.”

She nodded, and he left her alone in the hallway. She sighed and pursed her lips, trying to decide what she should do next.

Calling Ipos was the first thing that came to mind — he and Sheila would be happy to hear that Lucifer was awake. She reached down to grab her phone before she remembered it was in his room, charging beside the cot she’d made a home out of during her stay since she’d refused to leave his side since she’d arrived.

She bit the inside of her cheek, glancing to the door and debating whether or not it was worth it, before deciding she was being silly. She braced herself, and cracked the door open, peering inside.

He looked like he was asleep.

Creeping inside, she tried to be as quiet as possible. She made it halfway across the room before he grunted, and she froze, turning slowly to look at him. He was staring at her with none of the warmth of the brown eyes she had fallen in love with a hundred times over, brows drawn.

“I — s-sorry, I was just grabbing my…” she trailed off, gesturing instead. He rolled his head to look at the small pile of her stuff, his gaze narrowing. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

He sighed, and closed his eyes again.

“Just get it.”

She made herself quick about grabbing it, and turned to walk out, but thought twice and spun back around to grab her jacket off the top of her bag. She tugged it on as she manuevered carefully around the small room and all its machines and wires, and she tried very hard to keep her nose in the screen and not glance back at him, but her body betrayed her.

She chanced a look at him, and seeing him lying there peacefully, she was overcome with emotion. It didn’t matter that he no longer had his lush, dark hair. It didn’t matter that a scar stretched across his scalp. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t the same man she married. It didn’t matter that he didn’t remember her.

She was overwhelmed with emotion, with the relief that he was alive, that he was breathing, that his eyes were closed of his own will and not the result of his head injury and the surgery that followed to save his life.

Her knees nearly gave out beneath her, and she threw caution to the wind as she rushed the last few steps from the room. She shut the door as softly as she could with trembling fingers, not noticing that he was staring at her.

Once out in the hallway, she was at a loss — bathroom, she needed the bathroom, but she had been using the one in his room and she didn’t know where the public one was. Her vision blurred and her head swam and she stumbled down a random hallway in search for it.

After she’d turned down the third hallway with no results, she leaned against the wall, breath shuddering. She slid down until she touched the floor, buried her face in her pulled-up knees, and let the dam break.

She sobbed, everything she’d been repressing for the past three days bursting forth. She felt everything she hadn’t let herself all at once — the frantic worry, the crippling fear, the indescribable pain, and most prominently the overpowering relief. She felt it all pulse through her with so much force it hurt.

She hadn’t been able to think as optimistically as she’d pretended. Several what if’s taunted her every waking moment and visions of life without him made her dreams bleed with terror and grief.

The vision of him, pale and breathing shallowly, blood matting his hair to the back of his head and curling down the sides of his face and staining the pillow crimson and his body limp and broken and vulnerable in a way she had never seen him — was one created entirely of her own imagination. She hadn’t actually seen him after that accident, he’d already been taken back for surgery by the time she’d reached the hospital, but the image her own mind conjured had haunted her every moment since.

But none of that mattered anymore. None of it. Because he was okay, she couldn’t reassure herself enough that he was fine, that besides a few lost memories the doctor had said he would likely make a full recovery. And that — that was enough for her. It had to be.

As her sobs died down, she heaved on the floor of the deserted hallway, shaking and exhausted. She was no stranger to bottling her emotions, but it had been a long time since she’d had to keep some that roiled so violently within her under lock and key.

She jumped when she heard the rustling of someone sitting beside her, and looked up into a pair of warm, familiar eyes. Ipos didn’t say anything, he just offered his silent presence. Feeling better with the company, she sniffled and wiped her face on the sleeve of her jacket.

They were silent for a minute, the only sounds in the barren hallway Natalie’s shuddered breathing and sniffles as she attempted to compose herself again.

“H-How did you find me?” she finally asked. Ipos shrugged, leaning back against the wall.

“A few nurses pointed me in the right direction.”

“I — Is Sheila…?”

“She’s in his room. Told her I’d bring you by as soon as I found you.”

“Liar.” Ipos glanced over at her, a smirk turning up his lips.

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

Natalie giggled, sitting up straighter, “We should go back, before I make a dishonest man out of you.”

Ipos laughed quietly, but it faded out when Natalie stood up.

“You sure?”

He wasn’t a man of many words, but Natalie knew what he meant — was she ready? To face him again? To endure his lost memory? To handle the loss of his love?

“Yeah,” Natalie said, sobering up.

Ipos only nodded, and stood to walk her back.

***

Natalie would be lying if she claimed the last few days hadn’t taken their toll on her. She was exhausted and trying to stay optimistic just wore her down more.

Attempting to keep smiling when he would barely so much as look at her, trying to laugh when he recounted old stories with Sheila and Ipos that she’d heard a million times over, keeping the tears at bay every waking moment — she was just about ready to collapse.

Ever since he’d woken up, she’d spent her nights at home. He didn’t like the idea of her being there when he didn’t know her. She understood, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t felt like a slap in the face.

That didn’t mean trying to sleep in their bed alone didn’t feel cold and empty.

She’d taken to sleeping on the couch instead, and she busied herself during the day trying to prepare for his homecoming. Keeping herself distracted from her own thoughts had become a struggle, so she put all her leftover energy into cleaning, blasting music and singing along just as loudly to drown out the negativity that tried to pull her under.

But he was coming home today, and she would be optimistic if it killed her. He was going through enough, and she was going to make his transition back into his life as easy as possible.

She made sure everything was where it belonged and dabbed concealer over the dark circles beneath her eyes before she set off to the hospital to pick him up, equal parts excited and nervous. She was hoping a familiar environment would trigger some of his old memories, but she was also trying not to get her hopes up.

The doctor had warned her there was a chance he would never regain them, anyways. So Natalie was resolutely devoted to keeping this whole ordeal about him — he was the one who was injured, he was the one whose life had been thrown completely off-kilter, he was the one who needed the help.

Her own problems could wait, because him recovering was the big picture and she wouldn’t lose sight of that. She would nudge him in the right direction, but she wouldn’t pressure him to remember. Not when he had bigger things to worry about.

Her stout optimism was tested the moment she stopped outside his door, though. She heard him, inside, arguing.

“Why can’t I crash at your place?” A beat of silence accompanied by the sinking of Natalie’s heart. Of course, she should have known he wouldn’t want to come home with her — after all, to him, she was a complete stranger.

“C’mon, Ipos, this— no, listen, I’ll sleep on that shit-stained couch, I — wait, what? You moved? You big fuck, when did that happen?”

She figured she’d been eavesdropping long enough, and knocked lightly on the door before pushing it open and poking her head inside.

“Hey,” she said, gently, not wanting to risk his temper. He tensed, and Natalie tried not to let her smile waver. “I brought you a change of clothes, for whenever you’re ready…”

“Yeah, okay,” he said gruffly, and jerked his chin towards the end of the bed. “You can just set them there.” She walked over, setting the bag where he’d indicated and soothing it out.

“Just… whenever you’re ready,” she repeated, sincerely, trying to catch his eyes. He refused to look at her, however. She bit back her disheartened sigh, and stepped back. “Just let me know, okay? I’ll be outside.”

He nodded once, and she clasped her hands in front of her tightly to keep them from shaking as she retreated once more, with the sinking feeling that retreating from him — her best friend, her confidant — was going to be the norm very soon.

She stopped once the door closed behind her again and after a moment of hesitation, she pressed her ear against it as he resumed his conversation with Ipos.

“I don’t know…” she heard him say, and there was an uncertainty in his voice that she hadn’t expected given the demanding and abrasive tone he’d had before she interrupted. “I don’t know her.”

Her breath shook as she exhaled, and she turned her face to the ceiling to blink back the tears. There was a long silence on his end, and she almost turned away when he spoke again, a bit of the edge from before back.

“I don’t know if I can remember her. I don’t know if I can love her.”

Her hand flew to her mouth to muffle the pained gasp she wasn’t sure he could hear anyways but didn’t want to risk, and she spun around and fled before he could catch her, before she could hear anything else she didn’t want to.

That was her karma for eavesdropping, she supposed, as she felt her already fragile heart shatter into pieces.

This time, her search for the bathroom didn’t result in an abandoned hallway, but instead found her bowed over the sink, the heels of her hands pressed into her eyes, her head throbbing as she resisted the overwhelming desire to cry.

She needed to get it together. She couldn’t react like this every time he said something that stung — it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t remember. She had to remind herself that he wasn’t being malicious, but that he was understandably very confused and disoriented and that she would be put off, too, if she woke up with no memory of a person claiming to be married to her.

She took several steadying breaths to compose herself, then slowly peeled her hands from her face. Her eyes were a little red, so she grabbed a paper towel and dampened it with cool water. She dabbed it gently beneath her eyes in hopes of making the swelling go down a little.

Once she decided she was presentable enough to brave the waiting room again, she slipped from the bathroom and traveled the short distance to the lobby where she could wait on him to get changed and sign the release forms.

He, thankfully, didn’t keep her waiting as long as she had expected him to. He emerged from his room within half an hour, and though he didn’t seem thrilled at the idea of coming home with her, he didn’t say anything against it, either as he signed his discharge forms, dropping his bag by his feet.

His doctor was giving him some final instructions about bed rest and not over-exerting himself — “that means you’re gonna be out of commission for awhile, Lucifer, and I’ve already talked to your chief about how long you need to stay out,” he’d said, to which Lucifer scowled but nodded.

Natalie was lingering, not close enough to make Lucifer anymore uncomfortable but enough to overhear. The graying man caught her eyes a few times and she nodded subtly in response, because they both knew Lucifer was too reckless and restless to follow the strict orders unless he was watched.

“We’ll have your follow up in about a month, alright? It should be pretty routine, but if you notice anything unusual please come in immediately regardless.” Lucifer nodded absently, it was clear he wasn’t listening anymore, itching to not be cooped up anymore.

Natalie’s apologetic smile was tired and strained but she waited silently while the doctor looked over the forms Lucifer handed him back to confirm his release.

“Looks like you’re good to go,” he said, glancing at the last page. “Though I’d prefer if you used a wheelchair. You just had surgery.” He sighed at the look he was given, and conceded. “Just remember all I told you, alright?”

“Yeah, sure.” The doctor shared a look with Natalie and she lifted her shoulders in a delicate shrug. Even without the amnesia, Lucifer had always been impartial to hospitals, especially for long periods of time.

“All packed up?” she asked after the older man wished them a safe trip home and took his leave, a hesitant tease since all he really had was the clothes on his back and a few of his favorite books she’d brought for him.

He hummed in acknowledgment and scooped up his bag. Natalie pursed her lips, but didn’t push his lack of a reply. Instead, she folded her arms over her stomach and followed him as he made his way to the elevator.

The ride down was silent. Natalie had several things she wanted to say, but she didn’t know how to bring them up and she wasn’t prepared for more of his rejection just yet. So she kept quiet and when the elevators opened on the ground floor he strolled out ahead of her, then stopped.

His brows were furrowed, clearly frustrated as he looked down at her. She didn’t know what she could’ve possibly done wrong this time, all she’d done was walk beside him, until —

“Well?”

“Well… what?”

“Where’s the car?” he asked, an exasperated edge to his voice.

“O-Oh, right, I’ll go pull it around—”

“That’s not necessary. That’ll just take more time.”

“You shouldn’t walk too far, though, the doctor said—”

“I had surgery, I’m not crippled. I can walk to the fucking car,” he snapped, and Natalie flinched. He looked away from her, and his tensed shoulders slumped a little in what she recognized as regret for losing his temper, but he didn’t offer an apology.

“...Right,” she said after a beat, and hated how her voice wavered. “Sorry, I’ll — it’s this way.”

She took the lead and was glad for it, because if he was behind her he couldn’t see the way her expression crumbled as her smile became too exhausting to fake anymore. The parking garage wasn’t far, but it was a pain to navigate and she tried in earnest to get him to the car as quickly as possible without the short trip being too much for him.

When it came into sight, she fished her keys out and unlocked the doors, moving to get in. She paused briefly when she noticed his uncertain expression and the slight sheen on his forehead, and she wished she’d just made him stay put in the lobby so she could have brought the car to him instead.

She didn’t have time to linger on it, however. He tugged the door open and slid in, careful not to hit his head, and she got in and started the car, eager to get them home.

He crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat and Natalie found herself distracted by the possibilities of what would happen once he was home as she put the car in reverse and took the wheel with both hands.

Would he hate it? Would the familiar environment rattle something within him? Would it fail and only serve as a bitter reminder of his lost memories?

She couldn’t say. She didn’t know what to expect, and while she was usually fond of surprises, this one worried her.

She shifted in the driver’s seat uncomfortably, her fingers tapping a nervous beat against the wheel. She hated driving, and preferred taking the bus or walking or leaving it to him, which was ironic considering the first time they’d met he had pulled her over for speeding.

Her accident about a year after they’d been dating had really put things in perspective for her, however, and even though she had walked away from it physically sound, she had been shaken.

The drive home lasted for what felt like forever, but when she finally pulled into the driveway she kept her eyes firmly in front of her until she'd parked. Her fingers tightened around the wheel, before she released it and chanced a look at him.

He was staring up at their house with the same familiarity he had greeted her with — or rather, lack thereof.

“This is it,” she said, trying for enthusiastic but not wanting to come off overbearingly so, and wiped her hands on her jeans. She tried not to linger too long on his unimpressed expression.

It wasn’t his fault he didn’t remember them picking this out together because it was in their budget even though it had almost nothing they’d wanted. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t remember many of their days off spent together making this house their home. It wasn’t his fault that the walls he’d so looked forward to coming into at the end of a long day were now unrecognizable to him. It wasn’t his fault and she had to keep reminding herself of that.

He made the first move to get out of the car, finally tearing his eyes away, and she scrambled out after him. She wanted to get his bag for him, but he grabbed it before she could get to it and turned away without a second glance.

She bit her tongue and followed him up the short distance to their front door, fumbling with the keys while he stood off to the side, annoyed and impatient. Once she got it open, a feat with her sweaty, nervous fingers, she gestured for him to go in first. He gave her a look but obliged and she followed after him, shutting the door softly behind them.

He stood just inside, looking around at the odd decoration and the abundance of potted plants, not sure what to make of it all. Natalie decided to give him a moment, not wanting to rush him.

She noticed his gaze fall to a small table that she’d decorated with photos of them and their friends. She couldn’t help the rush of hope she felt, especially the longer he stared at them — pictures of them when they were dating, one a friend had snapped when they had told everyone they were engaged, one of their wedding. Surely, surely they had to trigger something?

She didn’t dare breathe, digging her nails into her palms as her chest swelled when he reached for them…

...and she felt herself deflate, the air rushing out of her like a balloon and taking the hope she’d let consume her for that brief moment with it when he grabbed their wedding picture and turned it down, until it rested facedown on the table where he wouldn’t have to look at it.

Natalie’s heart twisted painfully, and her smile became more difficult to uphold. She stepped in front of him, quickly so he wouldn’t see her expression crumble. It was all she could do to keep her voice even.

“Come on, I’ll show you around,” she offered, walking deeper into their home.

“Can you just show me where I’m staying?” he said gruffly. “I don’t really feel like getting the whole grand tour right now.”

She froze midstep. She swallowed hard, but nodded, and turned for the bedrooms.

“Yeah, of course. It’s… it’s this way.”

The heavy thud of his footsteps behind her matched the painful beat of her heart in her chest as she guided him to the end of the short hallway.

She opened the door at the end to the master bedroom and moved to the side so he could step in.

“This is our—” she didn’t miss the wrinkle of his nose at her choice of words, and she looked away, “—bedroom. I… You can stay, or, you can have it. I mean, it’s already yours, but I can — I’ll stay in the guest room.”

She felt him staring, but she couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes this time.

“The, uh, the bathroom is just through that door,” she said, gesturing lamely. And I’ll be staying in, um… in the guest bedroom. If you need anything.” She tilted her head back down the hall. “It’s the second on the left.”

He nodded in her peripheral, and she turned to leave, fingers curling around the knob.

“I’ll let you get settled in, then.”

The door clicked softly on her way out, and she crossed the short distance to her new bedroom. With one last look towards their room, she slipped inside and leaned heavily against the door. Her knees buckled and she allowed herself to slide down, until she hit the ground.

Her breath shuddered and she pulled her legs up, until she could rest her face in her knees. Exhausted, she squeezed her eyes shut and pushed past the pounding in her head, refusing the urge to cry.

They would get past this. They had always gotten past everything, together. This obstacle was inarguably their biggest one yet, but they would figure it out. She had to believe they would. She couldn’t give up so easily.

Their wedding picture, turned down, flashed in her mind and a tear slipped unbidden down her cheek. That had been the first thing she’d decorated with. That had been a constant since they had moved in. She had put it by the door in case of an argument where one of them would leave angry — when they came back in, that picture served to remind them to leave their anger and work to fix things instead.

She sucked in a breath and raised her head, swiping angrily at her face and glaring at the moisture that came away on her fingers.

Things were different now. He was different now. Years of the experiences that had changed and shaped him were gone, but the man she had fallen in love with was still in there. She just had to remind him of the woman he had fallen in love with.

She couldn’t rush him, though. She knew that much. She couldn’t imagine how strange this all must have been for him, and she wanted to make the transition as easy as possible.

It would take time, but they had all the time in the world.

But first, baby steps.

***

“What are you doing?”

Natalie jumped, turning away from the stove to face him and laying a hand over her heart. She opened her mouth, ready to crack a joke about how he still managed to sneak up on her after all these years, but she caught herself and thought better of it.

“Making breakfast,” she answered instead. They’d had takeout for lunch and dinner, she thought it would be nice for him to have something homemade instead. “Chocolate chip pancakes, your favorite!”

She could tell by the look on his face that he was skeptical about them being his ‘favorite’, but they promised chocolate and if there was one thing that would never change about her husband it was his unwavering love of chocolate.

She turned back to the stove, a smile tugging at her lips. At least she could get something right.

She slid the last one onto a plate and dropped a small square of butter on top of the stack, then carried it and the syrup over to him.

He looked down at the plate, less than impressed by the ugly pancakes with jagged edges and the burnt splotches.

“Bon appetit!” she said cheerfully, and Lucifer looked up at her, then back down to the pathetic pile of vaguely circular and questionably edible pancakes before him.

“...Thanks,” he muttered, and grabbed the syrup, deciding that if he drowned them in it then they couldn’t possibly be as bad as they looked.

He cut into the stack and lifted the bite to his mouth. He choked around the taste, and for a moment, he tried to get it down, he really did. He gave up on that effort, though, instead grabbing a napkin and spitting it out, wiping his mouth.

“That bad, huh?” Natalie asked, and he looked up at her. She didn’t look surprised or upset, just disappointed and a little sheepish. “Sorry. I’m not a great cook. It’s funny, you used to—” she stopped herself by taking his plate once she realized what she had done.

It was too late, though, and he stood up with an unreadable expression. Natalie frowned, and moved to apologize, but he cut her off.

“Don’t forget to turn the stove off,” he said, and disappeared back down the hallway towards their — his — room. She stood staring after him, and set his plate back on the table.

“Way to go,” she murmured to herself, leaning against a chair, her knuckles going white around the back of it. Every time she thought she was making progress she slipped up and ruined it.

Chewing on her lip, she spun around and flicked the stove off, hating the reminder he’d given her that he’d given her so often before, each time more teasing than the last.

Turn the stove off, Natalie.

I have nightmares about you leaving that thing on.

The guys over at the fire station will never let me live it down if they find out my wife set a fire.

She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, laughing to herself. He had hated her cooking and he always told her he refused to eat anything she made, though she knew he would do anything if she asked, he just had to put up the right show of resistance first. He had always gone out to check that the stove was off before coming to bed with her, and she had always rolled her eyes and teased him about it.

I didn’t even use the stove today, Lucifer.

You attract so much bad luck it wouldn’t surprise me if it turned on just because you looked at it.

You’re such a jerk.

She grabbed his plate again and dumped the contents in the trash, along with the extras she’d made for herself. She wasn’t hungry anymore. She rinsed the dishes off and dropped them in the dishwasher and then cleaned up the mess she’d made.

It didn’t take long, even as she tried to devote more time and attention to it than necessary just to keep her hands busy, to do something because she felt so useless. She had taken the week off for work, to help him get settled again, but she wasn’t so sure if she’d need the whole week if he didn’t even want to talk to her. She dried her hands and cast the towel onto the counter, sighing.

She turned to look around the small space for something to do, and her eyes fell on the photo of them pinned to the fridge. She walked over, slipping her fingers beneath it to get a better look, thumbing the edges tenderly. She’d surprised him that day at work. She’d snuck up on him, kissed his cheek, and snapped a picture to catch his reaction.

Her teeth worried her lip for a moment while she hesitated, and then she yanked it off. She went in search of a box, and once she found one a decent enough size, she dropped the photo in there. Then, she made her way to the living room, where she swiped all the photos of them into it. She made her way through every room except their bedroom, taking all evidence of their memories together down to shut them away.

She would show him later, she would revisit them with him, she promised herself. But she would take them down for now. She wouldn’t make him look at them every day.

She wouldn’t make him regret coming home.

The box and all their pictures found a new home beneath her bed. All except their wedding picture. She set that one up carefully on the nightstand, so at least she could look at it. She dusted her hands off, but once she stepped out of the room she immediately felt like she wasn’t even in her own home anymore.

It felt empty, impersonal, cold without their lives playing out over the walls. She looked over her shoulder, at his shut door, then at the clock. It was almost time for him to take his medicine, and she knew he needed to eat in order to do that.

Maybe she could make up for breakfast.

She started for the bedroom, going to tell him she was leaving, but her fingers hovered over the knob. She blinked at it, then looked up when she heard his voice coming from inside.

“—tried to kill me with those fucking pancakes, I swear,” she heard, and she covered her mouth with her hand, torn between the urge to laugh and the urge to cry. “It’s not funny, Ipos, I—”

His voice faded and she decided that was enough eavesdropping, backing away from the door. She’d leave a note instead for him to find, if he even noticed she was gone. She’d be back in less than ten minutes anyways, if traffic wasn’t horrible.

She found an old bill and scribbled “Be right back” on the back of the envelope, leaving it on the table just inside the door. She snatched the keys up and slipped outside.

Traffic wasn’t bad, just as she’d hoped, and she was at the small bakery in no time. The bell jingled welcomingly when she walked through the door, immediately consumed in the warmth and pleasant smells.

Rosenfeld Bakery. It was his favorite place. The interior was a play on the name, decorated with roses Natalie’s shop supplied now and small, old frames of rose fields. They’d found it years ago and nothing else they tried ever compared to the little shop, tucked into a corner.

“Good morning, Mrs. Devante!” the owner, Anthea, greeted from behind the counter.

“Good morning,” she smiled, relieved at the friendly face, and walked over.

“The usual? Where’s Lucifer?”

“Yeah, that’d be great,” she said, and dropped her eyes to the display. “He’s, ahh… He’s at home. Could you add one of those eclairs, too?”

“An eclair? You making up for something?” Anthea teased. It was rare she saw one without the other. Natalie laughed, but it sounded breathless, forced.

“Something like that.”

Anthea frowned, setting the bag on the counter between them. Natalie fished out a bill and pushed it across, pulling the bag more towards her instead.

“Is everything alright?”

It took Natalie a long moment to answer as Anthea rung her up, waiting for her answer with a concerned crease in her brows. Was everything alright? Not really.

But…

“It will be,” she finally said, raising her eyes to meet Anthea’s. She smiled at her and gathered up the bag of Lucifer’s favorite breakfast, turning to leave. “Keep the change!” she called over her shoulder, and walked out before Anthea could even get a word in.

Her return home was even quicker. She was excited, because her cooking was a longshot, she’d known that from the beginning, but she was sure this was something he could appreciate.

She hurried inside, the warm bag tucked against her side, and travelled back into the kitchen. She pulled down another plate and arranged the chocolate-cinnamon rolls he ate religiously in one half, and put the double chocolate eclair on the other half. Smiling to herself, she made her way back towards their — his — room.

She knocked lightly on the door, and waited for a few excruciating moments.

“Lucifer?” she finally asked, and there was another beat of silence before she heard shuffling and finally the door opened up.

His eyes dropped down to the plate almost immediately, and then back up to her. She saw the skeptical arch of his brow, even as his eyes kept dropping back to the plate. It looked a lot better than what she’d presented to him earlier, she knew.

“A peace offering,” she offered as an explanation. “I know this is hard for you and I’m probably not making it any easier, but I figured I couldn’t go wrong here. I didn’t make it,” she added quickly when she saw his lip twitch as he undoubtedly remembered the disaster pancakes.

He stared at her for a minute longer, before taking the plate.

“Where did you get it?”

“Rosenfeld’s. It’s a bakery on the corner of 5th.” He was halfway to lifting one of the rolls to his mouth when he paused.

“Never heard of it.”

“We uh… we found it a few years ago,” she said slowly, cautiously, not wanting to upset him. She watched his expression carefully as she added, “It’s a bit of a hole in a wall, but it’s really good.”

Something in his eyes darkened, and he nodded and set the roll back down.

“Thanks,” he said, but there was an undefinable edge to his voice and he was unable to meet her eyes now. She felt a piece of her break away, screaming, wondering what she could say if everything about his likes or interests when she knew him was apparently off the table. She was trying to help.

Didn’t he want to remember?

“...Yeah, of-of course. You, um, you have to take your medicine at 11:30.”

“I know.”

“I just thought I’d remind you, just in case.” She shifted uncomfortably, not sure whether she should try to catch his eyes or avoid them altogether. “I know you need something to eat with it, but if you… if you don’t want that there’s cereal and stuff in the kitchen. You’re more the welcome to help yourself.”

“I don’t need you to fucking babysit me, Natalie,” he said, and even he seemed surprised at how harsh his voice had been, but he didn’t make a move to apologize. Despite herself, it was the first time she’d heard him say her name since he’d woken up, and it sent a shiver down her spine. “I’m a grown man, I know how to take care of myself.”

The words felt like a slap in the face. She felt her stomach drop. Her fingers curled into white-knuckled fists in an attempt to keep him from seeing her shaking hands. Her heart beat a thunderous beat against her ribcage and the blood rushing through her ears was deafening.

She looked up at him, and he was looking at her now. There was harsh dip between his brows, his light brown eyes angry, tensed against the doorframe. Her eyes fell on the bandage covering his stitches and her breath shuddered.

“Yeah,” she said, calmer than she felt. She met his eyes again, now that she’d made her point with her gaze. “Sure looks like it.”

She turned on her heel and marched back to her room. She shut the door with a little more force than necessary, and went to go sit on the bed. She let her fingers uncurl, and pressed them against her thighs in an attempt to quell how violently they shook.

She stared at the floor for what felt like an eternity, trying to even out her breathing again, trying to get the resonance in her ears to go away, trying to see something other than the angry curl of his lip and the annoyed set of his jaw.

Finally, she raised her head. She was never one to let the day pass without living it to its fullest, but there was nothing more she wanted than to crawl into bed and sleep it away right then. She hesitated, because what if he needed her, but—

He didn’t need her. He’d made that perfectly clear.

She caught the shimmering frame of their wedding picture on the nightstand. She stared at it, her chest tight with the memory and all the implications it held, all the vows it upheld and all the arguments it had resolved.

She reached over, and with every part of her crying out in protest, she pushed it face down.

Then she kicked her shoes off and crawled under the sheets, pulling the covers above her head and trying to ignore how sharply she felt her heart break.

#satan and me #natan #natanweek2019 #star light star write #lacuna #prompt: hospital

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foliea · 6 years ago

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Rubber Band - Tyler Joseph Imagine

Paring: Friend!Tyler x Fem!Reader

Word count: 1,630

warnings: brief mention of self harm, a bit of angst but mainly sweet

authors note: this has been plaguing my mind for days now. And honestly it’s probably my favorite fic i’ve written ever. I’m super proud of this and I hope you all like this as well. Also I spent like two and a half hours writing this, it’s 4 am I’m tired.

March 17, 2006

as I walked down the halls on my way to the gym, I tugged down the sleeves on my hoodie. Insuring no one would see what tortures I put myself through.

Just as I rounded the corner into the next corridor I felt someone run right into my chest. “Uh, sorry...” I muttered as I stuck my hand out to help the girl, who had fallen to the floor. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

She took my hand and hoisted herself up. “No harm done.” She smiled while dusting off her jeans. She slowly looked me up and down, eyes lingering on my arm. I quickly looked down only to see that my sleeve had been scrunched up near my elbow.

The girl sighed as I yanked the sleeve down. There was a brief slapping noise before she extended her hand out to me. In it was a singular rubber band. “Here take this. And uh when ever you feel the need to...” She trailed off looking to my now covered arm. I nodded understanding what she meant. “Just pull it back and let it go. Keep doing that until the feeling goes away.”

Hesitantly, I took the rubber band from her. “Thank you...” I looked up realizing I had no idea what her name was.

“Y/N.” She smiled.

“Thank you Y/N.” I quickly pulled the rubber band onto my wrists, just as the warning bell rang.

“I’ll see you around...”

“Tyler.”

“Tyler.” She repeated with a small nod before walking off.

Over the next few months Y/N and I swapped numbers to keep in touch over summer.

July 6, 2011

As I walked into the small coffee shop, a bell signified my entry. Despite living in Columbus my whole life, I had still yet to come here. “I’ll be right with you!” A small yelp was left out slightly after.

I walked up to the counter and stood there awkwardly waiting for the girl to appear from the back of the shop. As I stood I inspected the store. There were two other people there, an elderly couple, sitting by the window.

“Okay sorry about that.” The girl appeared behind the counter with a grin on her face. She seemed familiar. “What can I getcha?”

I froze realizing I had no clue what I wanted. Hesitantly I looked up to the chalk board behind the girl. As I searched for something that I knew would please me I fiddled with the rubber band on my wrist.

“Ya know I gave you a rubber band in our sophomore year of high school not thinking too much about it.” Suddenly it hit me.

“Y/N?”

“That’s my name don’t wear it out.” She let out a light chuckle at her own joke. “How are you these days, Tyler?”

“Honestly? Pretty good. My band has our CD Release party in a couple days. Well I say band... It’s really just me and my friend Josh on stage singing and playing drums...”

“Sounds like a wonderful time. Maybe I’ll show up.”

“Really?” she nodded with a toothy smile on her face.

“Now, have you decided on what you want?”

I quickly ordered my drink and handed her the money, making sure to leave a little extra in the tip jar.

Maybe I’ll have to come back to this cafe more often.

July 8, 2014

I nervously stood in front of the mirror when there was a knock at the door. “Come in!”

“Hey, Ty.” Y/N smiled. “Ready for your big day?”

Although on the inside I was screaming yes. I still shook my head. “No... What if she walks out on me?”

“Tyler there is no way in hell that Jenna is going to walk out on you. You two are so in love its disgusting.” We both chuckled.

There was another knock at the door. “Tyler, Y/N c’mon we gotta go.” Quietly, we both stood up. She patted my shoulder giving me one last reassuring smile before running off to find Josh.

Ever since I had introduced the two, Jenna and Y/N became inseparable. Meaning that when it came time for Jenna to pick her bridesmaids, Y/N had to be on the list. And of course Josh would be one of my groomsmen.

----

“And yeah I know I probably should have ‘practiced’ my speech but I felt like wigging it would be better...” as josh when off on a tangent about how he didn’t practice his speech and everyone was listening intently, my mind wandered to how incredibly lucky I am. I just married my best friend and along with her, I have two of the greatest other best friends.

“Okay it looks like it’s my turn to talk.” Y/N let out a dry chuckle as as stood up. “The first time I ever met Tyler, I was on my way to chem, totally dreading it cause I had a test, when all of a sudden I run right into someone’s chest.” As she retold the story her face would falter only to perk of at certain points. “... It’s crazy to think that I made three life long best friends because of a stupid rubber band...”

She passed the mic onto one of Jenna’s other bridesmaids as she sat down, hands fiddling with something in her lap. From the distance I was at I couldn’t see but the look Josh had given me said it was something familiar.

August 25, 2016

Josh and I quickly ran off stage only to be greeted by the open arms of Y/N. “You boys did amazing.” We smiled pulling her into another hug.

“Couldn’t do it without our number one fan cheering us on!” Josh laughed poking her stomach

“Cheering? No. Taking the best concert pics you’ll see in your life? Yes.” All three of us laughed again walking back to our dressing room to gather out belongings.

As we packed I could see Y/N’s smile falter while she quietly pulled at something on her wrist. “You boys... and girl... ready to hit the road?” Our tour manager asked, peaking his head through the door slightly.

“Yep!” Y/N jumped up off the couch quickly, turning to us. “I’m gonna head out to the bus to get ahead on editing these photos.” and with that she walked out.

December 28, 2018

“I remember the day pretty well for it being twelve years ago.” Slowly I told the story of how Y/N and I met, how I invited her to our CD Release, how she comforted me when I got nervous before my wedding, how she would take photos for us on tour.

I could see her family crying in the front row, Josh quietly wiping his tears away as he held onto her little sister. Jenna was staring at me, silently encouraging me to finish.

“But most importantly I remember the last time I saw her. There was something broken behind her E/C eyes. Something that I knew was too late to fix.” I sighed. “I didn’t think too much of it at the time though, I thought maybe she had spilled coffee on herself this morning, or maybe she was stood up on a date. I just wished I would have noticed that she was grabbing the rubber band on her wrist just a bit more than usual.”

I rubbed my hand over my face, messing with my own rubber band. “I’m sorry.” I swiftly put down the microphone and ran off the to bathroom.

September 30, 2019

“Hey Y/N. Sorry I haven’t talked to you in a while. Tour, you know how it is. Anyways I thought I should say hi since it is you’re birthday and everything. Life’s been hectic recently. Josh and I just finished the final leg of the Bandito tour. The fans love it, they miss your photos by the way. Like a crazy ton. We’ve already started working on our next album. It’s gonna be better than any of our others. Okay maybe not Regional since that’s always been you’re favorite- actually scratch that, it will definitely be better than Regional. Everyone misses having you around. Especially Josh, but he’s been doing better recently. Jenna misses having another girl on tour with her. Oh that reminds me, Jenna designed our newest tour bus. Its awesome. Or I guess in Twenty One Pilots fashion, sick as frick. My mom misses you as well. She says I need someone around to convince me not to get anymore tattoos. I still have that uke you made me. The one with the art from each album. Don’t get mad at me but I added yellow tape so that Trench fits into it as well. Wait I almost forgot, Jenna and I have a kid coming soon, we don’t know if they’ll be a boy or girl but we decided that if it is a girl we’ll name her after you since you mean so much to us. I still have all the Polaroids you would take of me, you, and Josh. It’s crazy to think of how long it’s been since those were taken. It’s getting pretty late so I think I should go... Bye Y/N.” I slowly stood up brushing the dirt off my pants. I started to walk away before stopping in my tracks and turning around. “Wait I was going to sing for you... one sec.”

I sat down again pulling my ukulele out of my bag before starting to play Truce. “Take pride in what is sure to die.” I sang as I strummed the last cord. Silently I removed the rubber band from my wrist and gently placed it on the ground. “I’m sorry friend.” I said turning away from the grave.

#tyler joseph #tyler joseph fanfiction #tyler joseph imagine #tyler joseph x reader #twenty one pilots #twenty one pilots fanfiction #twenty one pilots imagine #twenty one pilots x reader #josh dun #josh dun fanfiction #josh dun imagine #josh dun x reader #sophies writing #sophies favorite alien boy #sophies favorite skeleton boy

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ilovemygaydad · 6 years ago

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Friends in Dark Places [ch 14]

pairing: moxiety, eventual logince, background eventual remile, background eventual remy/emile/deceit

WARNINGS: kissing, implied making out, non-consentual touching and kissing, abusive ex, toxic relationship, self hate, sex mentions, mentioned threesome, rumors, depression, anxiety, depressive episodes, food mentions, unhealthy coping mechanisms, not eating, isolation, worrying, swearing, anger, yelling, swearing, homophobia, homophobic slurs, possibly something else

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter @band-be-boss-blog @theunoriginaldaisy

a/n: jsyk, it’s totally okay to ask for a modified chapter if you need it or if i need to add tags! i get it, and it’s no problem for me to quick edit a chapter or whatever :) also, feel free to send requests or questions that you have!

first - previous - next - companions

consider buying me a coffee (please)

February 18, 2016

Patton stepped over the threshold into Jay’s house. He’d spent a lot of time there, so it wasn’t being in his boyfriend’s house that was making him anxious; it was the fact that it was the first time they would be alone. Jay had begged him to come, so he’d obliged.

He shook the snow off of his coat and dumped it on the floor next to his boots. “Babe, I’m here!” Pat’s voice echoed lightly in the plastered halls. He heard shuffling a few rooms over and made his way towards the sound. The door swung open, and a half-dressed Jason stood in the doorway. He subconsciously noted the girl sitting on the couch, equally undressed and disheveled.

“Patton. Looking gorgeous as ever,” his boyfriend drawled. His lips were swollen and bright pink.

“What the hell is going on, Jason?” Patton’s voice was hard as he gestured to the scene in front of him. The girl inside stood up and walked to the door, wrapping her slender arms around Jason’s waist.

“He really is as beautiful as you’ve said, Jay. Those eyes truly are stunning. And you know how hot I think freckles are. I would have been a fool to refuse your offer.” Her words dripped like honey--uncomfortably slow and thick. Her hand reached out to cup Pat’s cold-tinged cheek, and he flinched back from her touch, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

“What offer, sweetheart?” The anger was gone, replaced with a sugary sweet that held no warmth.

Jason gave his signature dashing smile. “I was thinking, right? You’re bisexual; I’m bisexual. And Lauren here has just been dying to try a threesome. It’ll be fun!”

“What?” That was ridiculous! What kind of thought process was that?

“C’mon, babe. I’ve seen your potential; you’d be an amazing partner in bed!” Jay quirked his eyebrow and pulled Patton closer.

“First of all,” Pat stated as he took a step backward. “You know my feelings on this matter. Second, no! I’m not doing that! We’re fifteen, Jason. Not to mention that you set this all up without even consulting me.”

“And I wouldn’t have had to do that if you’d just loosen up a bit and let me show you something actually pleasurable!”

Patton was about to protest once more when Jason roughly kissed him; his hands fumbled with his belt buckle. On impulse, Pat pushed him back, knocking both Jay and Lauren to the ground in a heap.

“What the hell, Jay?! I said no! What the fuck do you think that means?” The anger was back and more fiery than ever. He was pissed––no, he was furious.

“You fucking moralist! You ruin everything! I went as far as to make this perfect for you, Patton. You’ve done nothing for me, but I’ve done everything for you.” Jason slowly rose from the floor, redness rising in his face.

“I told you exactly what I was comfortable with from the moment you asked me out! I should have listened to Roman and Logan when they said you were nothing but bad news, but I was swept up by your ‘perfection.’” Patton spat back. He’d reached the end of his rope, and he was taking none of it.

“Those two were so much better than you are! At least they were somewhat willing to play to my needs; they were never so self centered as to refuse everything I want. Sure, they didn’t go nearly as far as I’d liked, but they’re better than you. You’re poisonous. You’re a bomb just waiting to go off and ruin all of my hard work! Now, either take your clothes off and join us, or we’re breaking up right here and now.” That stung. And for just a moment, Patton ran over the situation in his head. He was so devastatingly close to caving before he came back to his senses.

“Then I guess we’re done.” Patton swiftly put his shoes back on and wrapped his coat tightly around his body, stepping back out into the cold February air.

---

All discussion ceased as Patton, Logan, and Roman stepped into Westview. Every pair of eyes turned to them. Specifically Patton. A bright blast of chatter erupted once more, and Patton could glean little bits of conversation from them.

“I heard that he slept with three guys this weekend!”

“Yeah? I heard he had a threesome with some chick from South and Jason Keith!”

“Patton Shea is such a slut!”

“Not to mention he’s a fag!”

Patton Shea. Slut. Patton Shea. Whore. Patton Shea. Slept with three guys in one weekend.

Patton spun around and dashed from the school; Logan and Roman followed close behind. He could hear their furious voices behind him as they walked down the sidewalk to the nearest bus stop.

“I’m going to murder Jason! That dick deserves it! How fucking dare he hurt you like that, Patton; especially after what he did on Saturday,” Roman growled.

“For once I agree with your aggressive sentiments. Patton, you are the sweetest person I know. You deserve so much better.” Logan was normally calm—far too calm for most—but this angered him to the core. Pure hatred seeped from his voice.

Patton stopped and spun around. “Do I, though?” The words hung heavily in the air, and Patton’s voice cracked as he said, “Do I?”

“Of course you do,” Logan gently stated. “You are incredibly kind, generous, and genuine. I have never once known you to do something to hurt another person. Jason, on the other hand, is rude, egotistical, incorrigible, and… and… He’s just awful, okay? You deserve the world, and he deserves to rot in the deepest pits of hell.”

You break everything you touch.

“You’re wonderful, Pat.”

Whore!

“We love you.”

Poison!

Patton plastered on a fake smile. “Thanks, guys, really, but you should go to class. I’ll be fine—“

Roman cut him off with one fluid motion. “Yeah, just shut up and let us come with you.”

---

Jason’s words never left Patton, but neither did the rumors. As the months passed, they became less prominent, becoming floating leaves in the back of his memory. It wasn’t until much later that they would rear their head again.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always hurt me.

---

Present

Virgil paced around his room. He was worried. Patton hadn’t woken up until 11 this morning, which was ages later than he usual. Then, he had refused any visitors to his room, claiming he was doing mass amounts of homework. Virgil brought him some lunch, but he had been instructed to just leave the plate outside the door for him to get in a moment. Patton wouldn’t even let his mother in!

It was, quite frankly, terrifying, and Virgil was glad he’d gotten Logan’s phone number.

Virgil

Read [2:32]

hey lo its virgil

im really worried about pat

he hasn’t come out of his room at all and won’t let any of us come in

Logan

Delivered [2:32]

Ah. It seems he has entered a depressive spiral. As I’m sure you’re familiar with the feelings, I’ll spare you the details. Just know that it is nothing personal.

Excuse me for one moment.

Logan immediately went to his text conversation with Patton and began typing.

Logan

Read [2:34]

Patton. It has come to my concern that Virgil is worried absolutely sick about you. I know that you have been feeling less than subpar today, but I need you to let Virgil in so that you two can work things out. He obviously cares a lot about you, and I know for a fact that you care about him just as much. You are one of my best friends, and it kills me to see you down like this.

As soon as the read symbol popped up, Logan went back to Virgil.

Logan

Delivered [2:34]

Go talk to Patton. If he doesn’t let you in, text me, and I’ll make him.

Virgil let out a light laugh at that. Logan was so caring and willing to help his friends, but he didn’t know how to do it in the most sensitive way. Just seconds later, he stood in front of Patton’s door. He hesitantly reached out and knocked. The door abruptly swung open, and a gloomy Patton motioned him in.

Virgil immediately took a seat on the bed. “I’m really sorry about what happened yesterday. I didn’t mean to upset you like this; I just… I wasn’t thinking properly. I’ve been really worried about you all day, and like… I’m sorry.”

“That’s not the reason,” Patton mumbled, pacing along the blue rug on his floor.

“Then why have you been shutting me out all day?” Virgil’s voice was pained; the sound triggered something inside of Pat.

“Because I was trying to avoid this!” Patton gestured wildly at Virgil’s upset expression. “I didn’t want to hurt you, yet here we are! I’m poisonous, Virge. I do nothing but hurt people. I’m the apple from Snow White--sweet and nice at first, but I’ll end up killing you. You deserve so much better than me! You should have picked Roman or Logan; they’re smarter, nicer, more talented, and so much more. But no! You picked me of all people. I’m clumsy, stupid, reckless, emotional, and just plain pathetic. I have nothing to offer.” He sat down exhaustedly on the bed, flopping back onto the plush comforter.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding, right? Patton, you’re amazing. You talked a stranger that you had never met before out of suicide just because you wanted to. You let that same stranger into your home and then ended up allowing them to live with you. You are so much more than nothing. If anything, I don’t deserve you. Roman and Logan are both wonderful, but you have something special inside of you.” Virgil fell back, too. There were a few beats of silence before Patton spoke again.

“If you keep talking bad about yourself, I’m going to physically fight you...” Virgil could hear the smile in his voice. He was so glad. He couldn’t bear to live another minute without Patton happy.

“Come at me, bro.”

Virgil felt weight leaving the bed, but he’d only registered it a moment before he was hauled up by the wrists and propelled into a sweet kiss by Patton. He lightly smiled. God, it was good to have someone again. It was even better that said someone wasn’t an asshole.

“So, what are we?” Virgil asked a few moments later, when they had ended their kiss.

“I think the proper term is ‘boyfriends,’” Patton smiled.

“You sound just like Logan.”

“Satisfactory.” Patton let out a small laugh at Virgil’s irritated groan.

“Shut up and kiss me, nerd.”

#sanders sides fic #m writes things #moxiety #logince #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders

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orisitme · 6 years ago

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On Writing My First Novel

What is a first novel? Is it the first novel you write or the first novel you publish? I ask the question because I was almost at the end of completing the first draft of a novel about a disenchanted employee who decides to murder his manager (write about what you know they said!) when – in June 2016 we in the UK voted to leave the EU.

2016 was a memorable year for so many reasons. It was the year when many of our beloved entertainers and musicians were handed their death certificates and invited to perform at a spiritual variety show somewhere in the afterlife. Halfway through the year, with one celebrity death after another keeping us wondering what on earth was going on, we toddled along to vote in a referendum which had been promised to us as a political ploy to get the Conservative party into government. Millions of us ticked our In/Out preference (although 26,033 people spoiled their vote – you know who you are), dutifully taking part in the democratic process.

I’m guessing our Prime Minister, David Cameron had an ‘oh shit’ moment when he saw what was happening in the early hours of June 24th. The result confirmed what many people had already suspected – that there are deep divisions in our country. It also triggered the second most irresponsible act of political self-interest in a decade when he resigned, floored by the power of the people. I say the second most irresponsible act of political self-interest – the first being the referendum itself.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people power and the masses having a say, let’s face it, we are fortunate to live in a democracy after all. But the way it was done, the campaign that was run and the question that was asked on the ballot paper was so simplistic only somebody incredibly arrogant or naive or stupid, (delete as appropriate) could possibly think it was a good idea. Stand up and take a bow, our government.

In my opinion, David Cameron made a number of errors when he decided to give us a vote on our membership of the EU. Firstly, he should have thought like a lawyer - 'never ask a question unless you know the answer.'Sadly, he probably thought he did know the answer which just goes to show how out of touch he was. Secondly, he made the fundamental mistake of thinking that people would look at the wider issues such as our trading relationship with the EU and what would happen if we told the EU by way of our ballot box to 'sod off.' In fact, when casting their vote the majority of people will look at their own personal circumstances to make their decision. Let's face it, a family working for minimum wage and struggling to make ends meet are going to be more concerned about the erosion of their employment rights than they are about listening to bank bosses bleat about job losses and moving their assets out of the country. Such a family are more concerned about keeping a roof over their heads and (rightly or wrongly) link rising rents and a shortage of housing stock to the large numbers of people coming into the country. It is pointless telling somebody on minimum wage they'll be worse off after Brexit. If they lose their job they'll soon find another one. There are plenty of jobs around where you can earn minimum wage and have minimal employment rights. Bearing this in mind, if we take a look at the question on the ballot paper ( I have put in brackets how I think the question was read by most people):

Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union? (Am I happy with my life as it is or do I want it to change?

Remain a member of the European Union (I am happy with my life as it is.)

Leave the European Union (I am not happy with my life as it is. I want it to change.)

And 17,410,742 people decided it was time for a change. There were so many opinions, ‘leavers are a bunch of racists,’ ‘leavers didn’t know what they were voting for,’ ‘old people shouldn’t be allowed to vote.’ Then questions, ‘why did we vote to leave?’ ‘What about all of the lies we were told?’ Seriously? Politicians? Lies? It’s what they do. It’s what they’ve always done. They just can’t help themselves.

So as questions were asked and theories formed I stopped work on my first novel and started writing ‘BrexitComestoBedwellAsh’because I had theories of my own. I am not an ardent political analyst, however, I take an interest in politics and what goes on in the world and on this topic I had something to say.

In 2008 we had a serious financial crisis in our country. Gordon Brown (our Minister for Money from 1997 – 2007) stood up and attempted to explain it all away by suggesting, ‘it was because we were monitoring individual banks not the system as a whole.‘ What? WHAT! So it was nothing to do with the greed and lack of integrity within our financial institutions then? A climate which – let’s face it - he was more than familiar with. Then, of course, austerity measures were put in place which impacted the most vulnerable people in our society. Add to that the shortage of housing stock, pricing many people out of the property market and contributing to the massive increase in homelessness. Add to the list the gradual erosion of our employment rights – large businesses now have to comply with a Modern Slavery Act for goodness sake! All of this against a backdrop of millions in bonuses paid to the chums of the business elite, many of whom were already on huge salaries just for doing their jobs! By August of 2016 I had something to say. I just had to settle down and figure out how I was going to say it.

Originally my tome was going to be a dark, slightly sinister read, however, as I continued to write I realised that it had to be a humorous, satirical work. There are after all enough works on the market stating facts and figures and making doom and gloom predictions. How could what I wanted to say be anything but a farce?

My novel took me two years to write. It is based around a family – Elizabeth and Rafael Rossi and their three children who live in the village of Bedwell Ash. Elizabeth drunkenly announces at her son’s 18th birthday party that she intends to vote Leave in the EU referendum. Her family are horrified and don’t understand how she could do such a thing. Pretty soon there are deep divisions within the once happy family unit as promises are broken and secrets revealed.

When I completed the first draft of my novel I foolishly thought that that was the hard work over with. The next phase was the editing process. Little did I know what was waiting for me.

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eversoslinky · 6 years ago

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The ugly side of modelling...

I can never tell you what triggers my depression or these dark moods that come over me sometimes, it can be an intrusive thought that pops into my head at an inopportune moment or just the sight of seeing a name of someone on Facebook or Instagram. Today was one of THOSE days in which I just felt like I've been duped, used and was basically triggered to self harm. I did a photoshoot about two weeks ago in which I did my own hair, the makeup artist showed up late for the shoot and had a terrible attitude on her, when she did eventually arrive. I was curling my hair and even though I'd finished using the curling tongs I left them on the table to cool down, they stay hot for ages so I turned to her and said "be careful you don't knock those, I've turned them off but they are still hot." She snapped back with "I know that I'm not retarded!" Wow. Just. Wow. Incredibly rude. I felt like walking out at that point but the photographer is a really lovely guy so I didn't want to let him down. She spent the entire shoot in the next room smoking, never once offered to help with equipment (I had to call her in a few times... but she never willingly offered) I was helping the photographer get the lights ready as well as modelling. Upon leaving I discovered the photographer had PAID this makeup artist, I was working for free! I looked on Instagram today and just saw red. That's it, I don't want to do this anymore. I worked with a photographer last year and had to wait four months for the pictures, The same guy did a shoot with a model today and had the pictures edited and posted online probably hours after the shoot. I didn't want to see this today... I guess I'm too old or maybe not good enough anymore... that's ok. I've been pestered by photographers wanting to work with me but when the subject of money comes up it's always a tricky one.

Photographers are always going to be looking for models who will work for free and that's ok, the industry is full of young women who actually have a real shot of being successful and getting paid work but first they must do TFP (trade for print) work for free and get their portfolios built up. There's nothing wrong with that. I've been there myself. However, in exchange for trade comes print... so in exchange to contorting my body into weird positions and holding still I require, not money but the pictures I posed for. Not a crazy request or a diva demand. Just the pictures.

I've taken some great photos recently and they've been selfies. Still, my confidence is at an all time low. I feel, not ugly but stupid and naive... no amount of soft lighting or makeup can make a person make smarter choices in life. Models, Actors and other people who work in the industry can get called trouble makers or divas and I find it absolutely hilarious that there's so many rules now about "pay gaps" in our society and yet some people still think that certain occupations should be paid and others not. So many people call themselves feminists but they don't believe in equality.

I started modelling when I was seventeen, I returned to modelling in 2016 after going through a bad break up with my partner who I'd been with for three years. I was never allowed to post selfies when I was with him cause he'd get jealous when other men would comment on them. Now, I could post nudes and lingerie and post, I did. For me it was empowering, it made me feel so beautiful and strong. It does, until the next day when you can't get out of bed you are in so much pain, your legs ache from walking in high heels, the concentration from posing a certain way. Mentally and physically drained. You pay for your own hair and make-up to be done and that costs money, oh and travelling to the shoot. After doing several TFP shoots you are out £100s of pounds, the photographer who took your pictures will get paid work from the photos he took of you. Someone will see them and he'll be offered another job, you'll post your pictures and you'll get offered more TFP shoots more people wanting you to work for them and you won't get a penny for it... you'll have to pay a makeup artist and hairdresser and travel and be out another £100 or more and the cycle starts again... That's why I've fallen out of love with modelling and why the self timer on my phone will be my photographer from now on.

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hydrospanners · 6 years ago

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a writing year in review: 2k18 edition

So I’m taking a minute to look back at all the writing I did this year and it has been a pretty spotty year for fanfic for me. Lots of long, blank spaces between weird surges of productivity. But! I did a lot of work on my original projects and also the boring adult responsibilities in my life (I changed jobs three times!!! I changed my name!!! I started going to therapy!!!!) and I pushed out some fic I really liked this year in spite of all that so, all things considered, I’m calling this one a win.

Without further ado, here is the breakdown of all the fic I’ve written this year plus a sad breakdown all of the geriatric WIPs looking at me with their big sad eyes, crossing their fingers for 2019. Hiding most of it under a cut because the rankings and WIP snippets got long.

2k18's Publication Stats for Fun & Profit:

This year I published 16 fanfics, all but one for SWTOR. 10 were brand new, started and finished in 2018, and 6 were old WIPS that have been marinating for Force only knows how long. That number is down from the 29 fics I published in 2017, but close to the 14 I published in 2016. 2015 was only 3 fics and 2014 was only 2. I have a total of 64 works published on AO3.

This year I published 34559 words for an average of about 2160 words per fic. This is extremely above my overall average of about 930 words per fic with a combined total of 59569 words published since I started posting fic publicly back in 2014.

So the number of fics may be lower this year but the number of words total and the average words in the fics I did publish went up! Please enjoy a review of the shit people liked most according to AO3 and then the stuff I personally liked most because I'm allowed to like my own writing, sue me.

2k18's Most Read Fics:

1. spoonful of sugar: Everyone gets sick sometimes; even big damn heroes. These are vignettes about the Jedi Knight's crew getting sick, getting treated, and getting better. (SWTOR)

I started writing this one when I got really sick during the summer of 2017 and I finally finished it this year! There's another part that I cut because it got way out of control that I'd like to one day add back in as a second chapter but I am okay with calling this one complete and maybe never doing that. This one is a nice combo of funny and a little bit sweet that I think is refreshing, like a cold, fruity drink on a hot summer's day. Here is my very favorite line from this whole fic because it is so delightfully dumb:

“Scourge,” Rhese tries and fails to sound as though he has some degree of command over his own voice right now. “Get off my dick.”

2. filling the table: They have a saying back on Corellia that the only way you can ever really know a man is by taking his credits. They also have a saying that you should never play cards with a Corellian because Corellians always cheat, but she's betting Doc never heard that one. (SWTOR)

I think I started this one all the way back in like 2014 or 2015. I can't remember now but it was a long time ago and this piece of shit has morphed a million times since then. I must have rewritten the ending about a million times.

I really wanted to capture the desperation of the Balmorran Resistance while I was doing the character work with this, the sense of limited resources and hard living, and I am pretty happy with the result. I'm also pretty happy with the characterization work here, the little snippets they are both revealing to each other and the bigger snippets they aren't. I'm still not entirely happy with the white spaces in this one. I feel like I was a little too sparse and there are lots of places that don't flow if you don't already know what isn't being said, but I am more or less happy with this one! Here is my favorite bit because of the doublespeak foreshadowing their future relationship that was definitely on purpose:

Four hands later, she’s fifty credits richer and Doc is rooting around in his pocket for something to scribble another IOU on. She knows he’ll never make good on it, but Rea’s happy to accept his empty promises if it keeps him playing the game. She’s overdue for a bit of fun.

3. take back what the kingdom stole: Alliance Commander Nirea Velaran has always had a talent for burning bridges. When Theron comes to her after Nathema to pay for his sins, she finds herself wondering whether some bridges can't be repaired. (SWTOR)

Hey look! Something I started and finished in the same calendar year!! This one grew out of a very stupid joke that I ended up not even making until the end of the fic. At first I wanted to draw that bit, but I got frustrated with my lacking artistic talent so I wrote it instead and it turned into one of my fave things I've written. It has nice scenery and character growth and intimate friendships that have a real impact on their emotional lives! Hurt feelings aren't just for romance fam!! Anyway here's my favorite bit because it's one of the most Rea moments I've ever written:

He shoved her off his shoulder none-too-gently, scowling as he looked skyward, as if searching for another fleet of hostile ships to arrive and grant him the sweet release of death. When none came, he settled for another hearty gulp of whiskey. He had to be halfway to knackered by now. “You’re insufferable,” he grumbled.

“I know.” She smiled a smile that felt damn near genuine and collapsed back against the grass, swinging her legs out over the crevasse.

“I don’t even feel bad about all this anymore.” Theron complained. “You deserve it.”

Rea only laughed. A real laugh, all the way up from her belly, and it felt so fucking good.

Theron looked at her from the corners of his bloodshot eyes, suspicious and too clever by half. “Fuck,” he swore, shaking his head. “You just mindfucked me, didn’t you?”

2k18 Author’s Choice:

1. when the wicked play. After witnessing his first real lightsaber duel, Doc reflects on the contradictions of what the Jedi are supposed to be and the realities of fighting a war. (SWTOR)

This might be one of my very favorite things I've written ever. In case it wasn't clear by now, I am pretty preoccupied with making myself feel the weight of the violence and uncertainty and war that plagues you in this game. It all feels so clean and sanitary in the game because it's a game, but it's something I always want to explore and make visceral in the stories I tell about the game. I am also obsessed with Jedi and the mythos and conflicting ideas that must surround them inside the story's universe. This was a fun way to marry the two and do a bit of character work at the same time. I'm also pretty proud of this one structurally, with how contained and bookended it is. [high fives self] Anyway here's my favorite part because it's some of the only action I've written that feels like it captures the brutal urgency of how I imagine actual lightsaber combat and also says a little bit about my girl Rea via the way she fights:

Rea is little more than a blur of blue light as she collides with the Sith across the field, her sabers swinging too fast for Doc’s eyes to track. She’s hammering her enemy from every side, pushing him back and back and back. Her assault is savage and relentless and there is nothing like grace or elegance in any of it. It isn’t beautiful; it’s violence. Ugly, brutal violence.

The whole thing is over in less than a minute.

Blue meets red meets blue meets blue meets blue meets red and then the Sith’s head is hitting the floor with a muffled thump. It happens so abruptly Doc doesn’t even realize it’s ended until the rest of the body collapses a heartbeat later.

2. shadows settle on the place that you left. In the wake of her father’s death, Nyria Ryder tries to reconcile the man she knew with the shadow he left hanging over her. (Mass Effect: Andromeda)

Look! Something that isn't SWTOR! (The only thing I wrote this year that wasn't for SWTOR.) I have a whole bunch of feelings about Alec Ryder and had a really good time porting Rea over to this game and seeing the ways his presence in her life altered who she is and the ways that it didn't. Also I have a lot of feelings about SAM. This is probably peak self-indulgence but I still feel like this is some efficient sketching of Nyria's character and Alec's and their particular relationship and I'm pretty proud of it. Also I'm always a slut for complicated familial relationships. Here is my favorite bit because it's such a nice illustration of who Ria is and an important turning point for her character:

She decided to be kinder to SAM than the universe had been to her. He was her brother, just as much as Rhys, and she was all he had. She would have to make sure herself was enough.

“He believed in us both,” she told him what he needed to hear, even though it wasn’t true. Then she made a promise she could not keep, because she knew he needed that too: “You and me are going to figure this thing out. Just you watch. We’re gonna make Alec proud.”

All the same stuff I said above applies here still. Glad we can all agree this one was nice.

State of the WIPs

Just for fun I did a dive into my WIP folder to see what I'm setting myself up for in 2019! Only it wasn't very fun at all because there is so much really old stuff in here!!!!!! Good luck to future me because past me really left you with the bag girl! Good luck carrying the weight of hopes and dreams and stories unfulfilled!!

I have a total of 48 fics in progress right now. The fandom breakdown is as follows, ranked from the most to the least: Star Wars: The Old Republic (35), Dragon Age (8), Mass Effect: Andromeda (4), Fallout 4 (1). And because I'm a masochist, I looked at the dates on all this shit too. Here's the breakdown of what year all of these things were started:

2014: 4 fics

2015: 9 fics

2016: 15 fics

2017: 11 fics

2018: 9 fics

That sound you hear is me sobbing in the distance. 2014!!! What the fuck!!!!! I am gonna finish those four fics this year if it kills me. We aren't living like this anymore. Please enjoy some samples from the WIP folder with absolutely no context:

“You carry sleeping pills in your pocket?”

“For my wife. Maybe you’ve met her? About this high--” Doc raised his hand half a foot over his own head “--brown hair, blue eyes, great ass.”

Ignoring the commentary on his sister’s figure and the extreme overestimation of her height, Rhese nodded. “I may have seen her around.”

“Well if you see her again, you tell her to come home. Her family’s worried.”

Do you hear that Rea? Your family is worried. Rhese wondered if she could feel their concern, their anguish. Was she searching for them as they searched for her? She’d always been good at hiding, but she’d never vanished completely before. A hole in the Force where her warm, fervent energy should have been.

He felt cold. Really alone for the first time in his life. Careful what you wish for, Liss had always said. You might just get it.

Ossus is important.

Rea feels it when she falls out of hyperspace, that shift, that tug of something just behind her navel. The familiar weight of destiny, settling like a stone in the pit of her stomach. It leaves her breathless, white-knuckled and gripping the shuttle’s controls, her skin prickling under the cold caress of dread.

She wasn’t expecting this story to have a happy ending—a colony of Jedi on the eve of war? she’s danced that dance enough times to know the steps by now—but she wasn’t expecting anything so bad as the draw of destiny.

Fate has never been anything but cruel to her. Feeling it here, now? This is going to be worse than she imagined.

This is how you deal with failure.

You just do.

You get up in the morning and brush your teeth. You train until your legs wobble beneath you. You choke down your nutripaste and ask Simms about his niece. You congratulate Tarinik on her promotion. You laugh too loud at Vortena’s shit jokes. And when Beniko’s eyes follow a little too close, you blow her a kiss like it doesn’t matter at all.

You keep moving forward because standing still will kill you. Because life is a race and if you slow down for even a second, death will catch up.

Nirea Velaran is not ready to die.

She is not maleficarum, but she is changed. Something is awake inside her now, and the whispers are louder each time she touches the Fade. Sweet, coaxing whispers full of promises. Some of them sound like her mother.

Take care of your brother, Niria. You’re all he’s got.

In the morning, Qarric wakes with a pounding head and an empty sleeve. He never asks, but he watches her more sharply, reprimands her more often, demands more of her in training.

When she is fourteen, blade tucked into the top of her worn boot, he gives her a warning. “You aren’t as strong as you think,” he says. “No one is.”

“Is it much farther?” Ria jabbed the bladed end of her stave--a fancy enchanted thing Vivienne had insisted on--into the sodden ground and squinted through the trees, praying for a glimpse of the promised coast. The air smelled of salt and death and the sea, but she hadn’t seen a single crashing wave yet.

“A few more miles yet,” Blackwall answered irritably. Ria had elected to blame the weather for his foul mood. “Same as it was five minutes ago, Your Worship.”

“And five minutes before that,” Varric added.

“Conditions are much safer inside the ship, Nyria.”

“Didn’t come all the way out here to be safe, SAM.” Another rock plinked hollowly against the wall of the prefab. “We came to see new planets and shit. That’s what I’m doing.”

“There is not much to see at night.”

“Not much to see during the day either. Sure as hell nothing worth dying for.” She huffed a bitter not-quite-laugh.

She spoke before he could even open his mouth to ask the question. “You’re overthinking it, little brother.”

“We’re twins,” he said, mostly out of habit. “And I’m taller.”

“Your hair is taller.”

“This is serious, Nyria.”

“So is your hair.” She reached out almost absent-mindedly to ruffle it, eyes still fixed on her omni-tool, but he dodged out of the way.

#long post #idk what else to tag this as #so long 2k18!!!!#you were a bitch of a year and i hated you!!!!!#good vibes & righteous anger for 2k19!!

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