#and of course breaking bad ds is there. I did not expect that game to be so fun

[catgirlkirigiri]

omgg you modded your 3ds :0 what games did you get

Welcome to my very epic modded 3DS :D I’m gonna download pokémon x, rhythm heaven, and sonic generations tomorrow but it is currently late (I need to set the clock for daylight savings lol it’s an hour ahead rn, it’s 2am) and I thus want to go to bed <3

[bahamutgames]

AFTERTHOUGHTS - ROUNDUP ROUND 11

February 2024

Hello hello! 2024 is already almost 1/4th of the way done right? That's pretty nuts. It's been a ROUGH month so far. But we'll keep trucking along!

I played a good bit this month but honestly I'm kind of feeling some burtnout so I haven't been blazing through anything seriously recently. So even in March I will probably play a little less than usual. But we'll see. In the meantime, there's still a good bit to talk about in February!

Also I just wanna mention... these are all a LOT longer than the usual length. I just keep having more and more to say about different games I play, and it might seem like I go on for a LONG time with some of them, but I promise I had less to say than I would with larger games that get their own post. Don't feel pressured to read ALL of it, right? lol

As always these aren’t reviews, just my thoughts, please play anything and everything I talk about if it interests you!

Sonic Rush (November 15, 2005) - DS

FINALLY breaking my way into the DS Sonic games! Rush is actually a game I played a loooong time ago, but I straight up could not beat the last boss of Sonic's run. I beat the whole game but got seriously and completely brick walled there. So I had to give it up, but, thanks to the power of cheating, I was able to finally overcome Sonic Rush!

Sonic Rush is, in my opinion, a SUPER cool game. Absolutely stylish as hell in a way only Sonic and the Nintendo DS could possibly be. It's got nice charming graphics, good models for the characters and good sprites for the enemies, some solid level aesthetics like Water Palace and even duller metal stages like Huge Crisis (GREAT name for a stage) felt unique and cool. The game feels good to play, everything works nicely, boosting is actually a huge help in 2D Sonic I feel like, and I thought the boost bar system where you can trick and hurt enemies to raise the meter was cool. I actually felt like there was a lot to this mechanic I didn't even fully explore, I liked it! Music is, of course, fantastic. This soundtrack is pretty popular and I totally get why. I ADORED the sampling in it, and pretty much every single song is a hit in this soundtrack. Some personal favorites were Wrapped In Black, Raisin' Me Up, and A New Day, but again they're all really good. I also really like the story, it's kind of simple, but I think it's really effective. I'm particularly really impressed with how it handles the parallel universe concept. Rather than having just Nega Sonic and the Nega Emeralds or something basic like that, you get a brand new character to be the alternate reality Sonic. She's completely unique in powers, personality, design, no connection to Sonic aside from being his AU counter. It's REALLY cool and way more interesting than just a purple girl Sonic which is what you would expect right?

However, I have one big complaint with Sonic Rush... It's that the game is HARD!! I have NO idea how I got through it as a kid! Some stages are filled to the brim with irritating death traps, and some stages can get a little long in the tooth, and those special stages felt impossible without the pause trick. But where the game really shows its true colors is in the boss fights. They are TOUGH and they are LONG! Like, seriously, I'm starting to think 8 hits is actually an INSANE number of hits for bosses in a 2D platformer. Some are easier than others, but some are just dementedly hard. I'm sorry to my younger self, I was NOT gonna beat the last boss of Sonic's Story. And if I did? I'd have to do it again in Blaze's. So die, I guess! They're not even bad fights, they're just way too long and expect way too much from you and can sometimes be a little annoying to land hits on. Like the Blaze vs Sonic fight (despite how bad ass it is) or the final boss where you have to knock the drones into Eggman. I also think the stages can be a little boring when they're too similar to each other, even if the game is short it is noticeable when you play the same stage twice.

But, yeah, while this game absolutely tested me and got under my skin sometimes, overall I'd say I had a very good time with it. I totally get why people are so obsessed with it. Is it my favorite 2D Sonic? Maybe not. But is it the worst? Not even close. I'm excited to try Rush Adventure cause I love pirates! And that's the only other non-port Sonic game on DS! Yep! No others! Cool stuff!

Mario + Rabbids : Sparks of Hope - The Last Spark Hunter (June 21, 2023) // Rayman in the Phantom Show (August 30, 2023) - Switch

2 for 1 deal here! I FINALLY got my hands on the Mario + Rabbids DLC! I was very impressed with the base game, so I wanted to try these side stories for a while. Let's start with The Last Spark Hunter!

The less interesting of the two, the Last Spark Hunter kinda was a little odd in my opinion? It's placed right before the final boss of the base game, which was odd to me as I feel like this should've been something that happens AFTER the game? You also go back to a previous planet, which was a bit of a bummer rather than seeing a new planet. I was kind of unimpressed with some of the overworld puzzles, and I personally thought the final boss, while good in concept, just didn't work. Or at least I couldn't figure out how to get it to work. The boss is immune to all damage unless you use bob-ombs to blow up switches, but the bob-ombs only spawn next to the boss, but if you're close enough to reach the bob-ombs, the boss will hit you typically sending all the bombs away, or worse all the bombs will walk up to you and instakill you. Idk I just couldn't figure it out. It's not all doom and gloom though, as overall I did enjoy this DLC. It's got a new warden who is really cute and hot, and even though it takes place on the melodic gardens again it felt very unique to itself. The battles felt good, the new enemies are absolutely annoying as hell but they look cool and I thought they weren't that bad. And Kanya... She's so hot, dude. I love girls with giant sharp teeth and eyebrows, and for some reason I just LOVED Kanya. She's also for some reason a character they decided to give panty shots of, and her underwear has a unique design on it. Sure. Why not. Thanks for the rabbid panty shot, not sure who came up with that but god bless 'em. And speaking of Kanya, while I didn't like the final boss I did actually really like the phase leading up to it where you had to run away from her mech, it didn't have the same issues with the bob-ombs like the last fight did and I actually really enjoyed it. Overall this DLC was good but I personally feel like it needed some slight changes to make it feel more impactful. Kanya deserved to really be her own villain rather than like a random footnote that takes place before the final boss of the base game.

Then we get to the Rayman DLC. I'm not a huge Rayman guy, I've only played one of his games (that I mostly played to get ready for this.) But... damn dude, this DLC blew me out of the water. The story isn't anything mind blowing, and the overworld puzzles were still nothing much to write home about, hell the villain of this one was full on recycled. But, I'm not kidding when I say this, Rayman is SO much fun to play as that this genuinely might be the better DLC just for his inclusion. All of his moves really play around with the gameplay of Mario + Rabbids in really unique ways. From summoning in items, to not being able to equip sparks to make room for alternative forms (which combine nicely with the summoned items) to having CRAZY movement with his ability to grab hooks, Rayman allows for some REALLY interesting gameplay. I was doing some NUTS shit with Rayman, and some enemies I actually beat in 1 turn using all his tools. I think Rayman might be one of the most fun teammates in the Mario + Rabbids series so far, and I genuinely would not mind seeing characters in the 3rd game take some inspiration from his moveset for how to shake up the formula even further. I think this one's story is also just a little better even if it's less exciting and lower stakes kind of. It actually takes place in a new planet, it takes place post game, I really think the movie set concept is funny and works well. And overall I had a great time with this one especially despite not being a Rayman fan!

Overall, both DLCs were good! There's certainly stuff I would have done differently, but both stories were fun and absolutely worth my time. Allegra and Kanya were hot if nothing else.

Kiwi 64 (December 30, 2014) // Macbat 64 (July 3, 2015) // Tasty Ramen Episode 1 (December 15, 2019) // Silver Trigger 64 (August 21, 2016) - PC

A 4 for 1 deal! A whole collection of games!! To prepare for Kiwi 64 : Doomsday, I wanted to play through all the Siactro games I hadn't tried yet so I could properly understand the deep lore when going in. They're all pretty short though so I'll just write a short thing about each!

Kiwi 64 : It's simple, but it's fun. Basically a tech demo but it was cool to go back to Kiwi's origins. You can absolutely see how they've improved in game making since this. Kiwi 64 massively improves the graphics, levels, and especially Kiwi's movement. But for one of their first games? This is impressive, and it's short enough that it's worth coming back to.

Macbat 64 : This one is a bit more interesting. It's also very short, and Macbat doesn't have as satisfying a moveset as Kiwi 64 still. But this one certainly feels like a more full game. It honestly feels on par with other indie 3D Collectathons I've played! And it's even got a pretty neat final boss battle which I wasn't expecting! I also appreciate them keeping all the super creepy shit as bonus post-game content lol. If you only play one of these 4, this is the one I recommend!

Tasty Ramen Episode 1 : This one was very interesting. It's a short horror game where you have to put all the comically oversized batteries hidden around the store back into the generator to return the power without getting killed by the cute bowl of Ramen. It's a little stupid, but honestly I was very pleased with this one. Death doesn't reset progress, and it's not actually scary which was HUGE for me! Where this one really shines is with the super nice PS1 graphics, and of these 4 I think this one does the retro low poly style the nicest. Even the anime cutscenes look scaled down to be on a PS1 disc, very cute.

Silver Trigger 64 : This is a Jam game and as such, is the shortest one. But a game is a game so I still wanted to shout it out. This is an on-rails shooter styled after Goldeneye, but I thought it actually has a pretty interesting gimmick to make the game a little more difficult. You're encouraged to shoot as little as possible, meaning you really have to pay attention and not have an itchy trigger finger. It's simple and really easy but I had a good time with it and I wouldn't mind another light-gun game attempt from Siactro in the future honestly.

Super Kiwi 64 : Doomsday (January 26, 2024) - PC

But all of that pales in comparison to the most important game release in 2024! Super Kiwi 64 was a pretty fun game I played last year, so I was VERY excited to learn it was getting DLC! A whole free story line no less! You love to see it!

Doomsday is very similar to the base game. You're still running around and collecting collectables in small maps with the same nice controls and graphical style. In fact the first level REALLY feels like a level from the base game. But I was pleasantly surprised with the new cowboy level! In addition to giving Kiwi a cowboy hat, it has new mechanics like swinging from a lasso and is a BIG level. Larger than any of the stages in the base game, with a lot to find. I was pleasantly impressed! I also REALLY liked the final boss! I think Siactro actually makes some really nice boss battles and I'd love to see them do more especially in the upcoming Toree Saturn.

But where this DLC really shines is the story. It's got nice cutscenes, and even full voice acting which is very surprising! And it even gives a nice little ending to the King Melon Saga which has played out over the course of Kiwi 64 and Macbat 64 (play them if you can!) The story is quick, this DLC is very short, but it gets a little crazy honestly lol. I won't spoil it, but it's just neat that there's like cosmic stuff in these games? I'm genuinely interested to see if the ending of this will tie into a potential Kiwi x Macbat crossover game where they... yknow... do what's teased at the end of this.

This DLC actually even goes back and corrects problems with the main game. Such as actual cutscenes like some actual context to the game and a satisfying ending. But even smaller stuff like voice acting and time trials! I particularly REALLY appreciated those new story scenes though because that was a BIG issue with the base game.

My only main complaints with this DLC are the complaints I had with the base game. Mainly, no maps for the areas, and no hints for the missions. Again, I get it if you don't want it in the first playthrough, and the worlds are mostly small enough that maps aren't required. But I feel like giving hints and maps as a post-game reward would be really nice and appreciated.

Other than that? Another Siactro banger, this DLC is free so if you haven't played it, or were waiting for a reason to pick up Super Kiwi 64, this is your chance!

Megaman Legacy Collection Volume 2 (August 8, 2017) - Switch

It's Mega Madness once again! I've finally played through Legacy Collection 2 and, with the exception of 11, have played all the Classic Megaman games! Unlike Legacy Collection 1, these are actually different enough that I feel like I can give thoughts on each on their own. So let's start!

Megaman 7 : Fun fact, this was my first Megaman game ever! I used to play it on the SNES when I was a kid, and even though I actually could beat the opening stage after enough practice, I never beat any of the robot masters lol. But now I've come back and beat the whole thing! I've heard this is the worst Megaman, but honestly? I thought it was fine. The sprites are nice (though Megaman's sprite is forever a Smash Kingdom character to me lmao) and the music is nice. I'll be honest though, I actually don't remember most levels in this game, so maybe that's not a good sign! I do remember the one that had Ghosts N Goblins references in it? And I remember the Wily Stages being really really annoying and the Wily Capsule being needlessly hard in this one. One thing I particularly REALLY liked was the ending, where Megaman genuinely wants to kill Wily but just can't bring himself to do it. I think this conflict of Megaman seeing that the only way to truly keep people safe is by killing Wily, and his very fundamental coding saying he can't kill humans is FASCINATING. But sadly, it seems to be a weird translation quirk because it's never really followed up on lmao. Bass is cool though.

Megaman 8 : I gotta be honest, I was actually kind of impressed with this one! I remember feeling like Megaman X4, even though I liked it, didn't FEEL like a Playstation game to me. This one though, kind of did. It's more of the same, and the anime cutscenes have some NUTS voice acting, like, more than the memes make you believe. But the actual in game sprites are NICE. Like, the mets have so many frames of animation. I think this game looks pretty cool! And I think having the robot masters actually talk was kinda neat even if it's a little pointless. I think the plot is neat too with the weird evil energy and what not. I do think some of the levels had pretty irritating gimmicks sometimes. Like the snowboard sections or the parts where you press buttons to get a little platform through lava. It's maybe not groundbreaking for the first Megaman on Playstation, but I thought it was neat. Getting to see the fan made designs for the robot masters in the credits RULED, by the way. I loved that. Also why was Aqua Man gay coded?

Megaman 9 : The shining return to form for the series after so long and... man... idk about this one. Some people told me they really loved this one, but idk man. I understand why they went back to the NES style, these games came out in an era founded on nostalgia bait. And I imagine it made the games WAY easier to make. And I was hoping these games would be visually REALLY good. Because Megaman 4/5/6 are true NES games, but looked so good I actually thought they were SNES games playing a trick on me. Sadly though, MM9 doesn't have interest in taking the graphics style of the NES games into insane heights with the new technology, and instead plays it safe with simpler aesthetics. It's a shame in my opinion. Also, the gameplay is massively stunted here in favor of trying to be more like MM2. That means no dashing, and no charging, and worst of all, no quick weapon selecting. It makes the game feel clunky after playing the whole series right beforehand. I think this game could've been more interesting if it tried to use the simpler style to push Megaman forward, rather than bringing it backward. I will give it genuine props though, they don't remove any characters from canon and all the bosses/stages are fully original. Which rules! Compared to something like Sonic 4, which was made with a lot of similar goals in mind, MM9 isn't totally soulless, at least. Though I think its story brings up some HORRIFYING implications about how robots are treated in this series, especially after stuff like the Robot Museum in 7. Idk.

Megaman 10 : That was a lot lol. 10 I have a little less to say about. It's very similar to 9, I have a lot of the same problems with it. But thank GOD there's a quick weapon select this time. THANK YOU. It also does do some interesting unique stuff with the series as it lets you play as Protoman in the main story, and even Bass if you beat the game. Similar thoughts with the bosses and stages. Very similar game. I think the story in this one is more interesting though with the Roboenza, I liked the plot of Roll giving up her medicine, I do think it's a little lame that Wily is the villain cause while his plan is REALLY good and evil. I think having Wily genuinely have to help you for real would've been cooler. This one is fine though.

WOO, that was a lot. Apologies. Overall, these games are fine but I did think they were a little tedious in ways I didn't find any of the other games. And I think that comes down to this collection just... Not being as good? There's so few accessibility options, the only one is more health, and this is the ONLY collection that actively shames you for using it as it puts a little logo on the gameplay, not even on the border. It's so frustrating and NO other MM collections do this. Similarly there's no rewinding, no save states, you're at the mercy of the game's checkpoints which can be really far apart. And you can cheese this system just as hard as it can screw you over. I'm not sure why this collection just randomly doesn't feel as nice as the others, ultimately I feel like I could've just emulated these 4 and gotten more ease-of-access options. Oh well. Still glad I got to play them I suppose.

Nickelodeon Allstar Brawl 2 (November 7, 2023) - PC

This game got a free weekend this month, so of course I HAD to jump on it and give it a shot! I enjoyed the first one, but was so burnt by how barebones it was that I barely stuck around to try any of the free DLC (and especially didn't bother buying any of the payed DLC lmao). So I was really not confident in this one despite how much better it looked. And when I first played this free trial, I felt like my worry was justified. I did NOT enjoy it when I first played it. I thought it felt odd, and the story mode was too hard and a roguelike (a genre I dislike) so I just was thoroughly unimpressed. But I wanted to try it with a friend of mine who was into it, and decided to play it with them for a few matches. And I'm SO glad I did. Because playing it with a friend made the game CLICK. And it clicked HARD!

NASB2 is a little difficult to figure out at first, but once I got the hang of it, I was actually REALLY impressed with it. For starters, it makes a TON of improvements over the first. Actual voice acting, actual items, actual stages with actual stage hazards, and actual costumes for the characters. It's a HUGE step up over the first. And this also really shows in the unique gameplay, particularly the Slime Meter. This mechanic is INCREDIBLY cool. It allows you to roman cancel and burst, I'm not kidding, just like Guilty Gear. This game feels like Rushdown Revolt with Spongebob. But it also lets you use the slime meter to upgrade your moves to give them alternate effects, which reminds me a lot of Killer Instinct 2013's shadow meter. And of course, it also has final smashes when the Slime meter is full. I actually LOVE this concept of bringing in universal traditional fighting game mechanics into a Platform fighter. It's fun, and it feels GREAT! It can make this one feel confusing and daunting, I personally still feel like I don't fully grasp the extent of this mechanic, but it is GOOD and makes the game feel GREAT. The game also just looks better with some AMAZING models and animations, there's nothing that really sticks out as being super ugly unlike certain animations in the first game like Spongebob's taunt. The animations and references here are seriously SO good and this one feels like it was allowed to be a labor of love way more than the first one was.

The story mode is, yeah, a roguelike. And I'm still not super fond of that. But I actually did have fun with it. I feel like I didn't enjoy it as much as I could've just because it's REALLY Danny Phantom focused and I've never seen that show. But it is neat and I was really impressed with the fact there's actual minigames, as well as the amount of upgrades you can unlock for your fighters, and the amount of enemies that appear in the story mode. Like, even Chum Bucket slaves from the Spongebob movie, really random, but cool! Where the story really impressed me was the fact that EVERY character has unique dialogue for the cutscenes, and Clockwork and Vlad (and maybe the other characters?) actually have unique dialogue in response to each fighter. This is NUTS! Like, I played as Reptar who only talks in roars, but the characters always addressed him as Lizard and would be like "Somehow you make yourself perfectly clear" and other silly jokes like that. It's small but it's neat!

The roster overall is cool but it's a little hit or miss. Both games have tried to be a little out of the box rather than just picking the big names, which is great. But you do get some odd choices like Azula being there but no Toph or Zuko being pushed to DLC so there's 3 fire benders and no Toph. Overall though, I do think their approach to odd choices works well like Grandma Gertie makes a TON of sense. They bring in some much needed series like Angry Beavers and Jimmy Neutron, and a lot of the characters are pretty fun. Spongebob is great, I think Jenny was neat. And of course, Reptar, who was my main in the first too, is back and is still FANTASTIC! But my favorite newcomer, by far, is Plankton. He is SO interesting to play as and has a ton of really unique moves. Like his up smash being a grab? Or his down smash being a projectile? It's SUPER random, but it's cool! This game is cool and Plankton and Reptar are genuinely fun and are so much more fleshed out from the first. Also, as a side note, I actually secondaried Garfield and Korra in the first but I don't like their moveset changes this time lol.

But yeah the game isn't exactly perfect. There's still only 3 costumes per character without unlocking anything. Meaning 4 player dittos will just require 2 people to be dressed the same. It sucks. The items also are not that interesting honestly? I'm glad they're here! But I feel like they could be forced into the match a little better? And similarly while it's GREAT to have Final Smashes, the animations in them are easily some of the least polished parts of this game. I wouldn't mind an update that really fixes them up. And while the roguelike mode did grow on me and you can make it easier with upgrades, I still think it's REALLY brutal especially if you don't play as your main. I straight up could NOT beat story on texas tough even though I was able to beat Arcade on it no issues. Each run is also just a bit too long for my taste. I think maybe instead of 3 individual worlds, maybe one world that's long but shorter than all 3 worlds separate would've been nice? And maybe some different world themes so you're not always fighting the same bosses and enemies. Idk. Also, still forever salty that they only use the 80's TMNT stuff. I get that it's nostalgic but it's also maybe the worst of the 4 cartoons and has so little to work with when compared to any other series. I appreciate that a lot of it is inspired by the beat em ups this time. But idk if you have to make April's final smash the spirit bomb, maybe just consider using things from outside the most limiting TMNT series thusfar.

But yeah! I actually ended up having a really good time with this game despite my initial feelings! I was actually kind of sad when I woke up on the 19th and the free trial was over lol. I'm not a huge cartoon watcher but I do enjoy them. I used to watch a lot of Spongebob on DVDs I rented from video stores and Rugrats on VHS tapes my brother had. I used to watch a lot of bootleg episodes of Invader Zim and Angry Beavers online. And genuinely, Avatar and TMNT are some of my favorite things ever created currently. And similarly to Smash Bros, playing this makes me interested in some of these other shows I've never seen. I've never watched Danny Phantom but Ember is SOOOO hot I might honestly have to check it out.

I talked too much about this one. Mr. Meaty for DLC thanks

Killer Instinct (October 28, 1994) - SNES

Oh of COURSE I had to play this the nano second it got added to NSO lol. For anyone who doesn't know, Killer Instinct is my favorite original rareware series, by a long shot. Killer Instinct 2013 is not only one of my favorite fighting games but one of my favorite video games period, and I have TONS of fond memories playing the original SNES version with the black cartridge when I was a kid. So I was very excited to play this version again even though I own the way superior Arcade version on my Xbox lol. Originally I wasn't gonna write anything about this but I just had to gush about KI for a bit.

I still love this game. Yeah, it's pretty inferior to the Arcade version. Yeah, it's been completely outdone by 2013 (play KI 2013). But there's still something so magical about this one. I still think it looks very impressive, the 3D is cool, I like how weirdly chunky all of these old designs are even if they are very 90's and not as good as the 2013 designs (play KI 2013). I love the crunchy audio from the announcer, voice clips in old games are always SO impressive to me. The music is awesome, even back on the SNES before Mick Gordon got here, the soundtrack is just so damn good! I played as Sabrewulf as a kid and I kind of hate myself for that cause he has so many charge moves which I suck at using lol. But I also found myself really liking Glacius! My main in 2013 is Spinal and I think he's better to use in that game (of course it's way more modern) but similarly my other 2 favorite characters (and probably the 2 I'm better with if I'm being honest) are still Sabrewulf and Glacius! Some things never change!

My only real issues when coming back to this version is that it's SO HARD! I played on normal difficulty cause... I'm cool. I like KI. I know what I'm doing. But DAMN, later on into the arcade ladder they will knowledge check the fuck out of you. If you don't know how to Combo Break (something I can't even do in 2013) (play KI 20-) you WILL get destroyed. And of course, I don't like a lot of stuff in it as much as I do 2013, but like it's from the 90's of course the design sensibilities are very different.

But again still it's so magical to come back and play this game I was so obsessed with as a kid and just remember how important it was to 2013 which was a game so important to me as a teenager. 2013's ost wouldn't be as good if Mick wasn't a HUGE KI fan. The designs for the characters wouldn't be some of my favorites of all time if the original hadn't made some crazy as hell character designs. And KI 2013 wouldn't be potentially one of the most creative fighting games ever made if some weirdos at Rare weren't like "hey why are there no raptors and aliens in fighting games?" way back in the 90's. This brand of creativity stuck through all the generations to give us crazy shit like Aganos and Hisako years down the line.

Idk where I'm going with this. I love this series. If you haven't tried KI because you're not an xbox guy, but you do have NSO, I IMPLORE you to check it out. It's still fun, it's still cool, it's still creative, I still think it holds up surprisingly well. I would love to trick some people into playing online with me sometime soon. Please get into Killer Instinct, it deserves your attention! The raptor can eat an ice alien, for crying out loud!

[passp0rtguardian]

oh no oh no. would a happy ending follow up to that 'gordon breaks benrey' angst story be a thing you could write next? it's too sad ending like that :(

Breakfast the next morning was quiet. Too quiet. The silence unnerved Gordon.

But he knew exactly why it was happening.

It was his fault, after all. His fault that benrey refused to look up from their DS while eating breakfast.

Gordon had tried making breakfast for them to say sorry. They just ate it and went back to their spot on the couch without saying a word- didn't even rinse their plate off like they usually did.

Gordon sighed, rinsing it off for them. He supposed he deserved this. He made them cry, after all.

But what could he do to make it up to them? That was the one thing he couldn't think of.

Of course, the first thing that came to mind was just saying a genuine sorry, but whenever he tried getting them alone in a room to apologize they just left.

He really had no idea of what to do.

He eventually resorted to texting Tommy about it. He seemed to be friends with Benrey, after all.

~

G: Hey, tommy? I need some help with something.

T: Hmm? What is it, Mr. Freeman?

G: I accidentally upset benrey, and I need some help figuring out what to do. I've tried telling them sorry but they just leave the room whenever I find a chance to

T: Hmmm, that's tricky. Maybe try making something for them?

G: I'll try that. Thanks, tommy

T: No problem! ^-^

~

After that advice from Tommy, Gordon set out in making some kind of apology note for Benrey. Words seemed too overrated for this kind of thing, but he needed to write something.

He sat, his pencil poised over the paper for what seemed like ages. Until finally, something came to mind.

'I'm sorry for saying we would never be friends. I wouldn't mind if you maybe decided on your own to come and tell me about whatever we did as kids.'

Vague, and didn't make it seem like that idea was Gordon's alone- he was giving Benrey the choice. He added a few doodles underneath the writing - the perks of zoning out and doodling in class as a kid - and then folded the note up.

He peeked out to make sure Benrey was fully absorbed in whatever game they were playing before heading to their room, setting the note on their bed and hurrying back to his own.

He sighed. He couldn't tell whether it was from relief or his own anxiety.

What if Benrey didn't accept the apology? They had no right to, but they also had their own apologies to give.

Or had they already given them, but Gordon just didn't notice?

He probably didn't notice. He couldn't understand sweet voice or any of that, and he didn't even understand what Benrey's love language could be.

He nearly didn't hear the knock at his door but the sound made him jump all the same. He hesitated a moment before opening it.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting but for some reason actually seeing Benrey there surprised him. "Uhh, hey." He said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"sup. uhh, gonna let me in?"

Gordon moved to the side to let Benrey in, watching as they walked over and sat on his bed before joining them.

There was awkward silence for a few beats. Then, Benrey spoke up. "do you uhh. really wanna hear about our childhood? feetman feelin nostalgic?"

Gordon paused, swallowing the lump in his throat and feeling this odd sort of relief at hearing Benrey joke like usual. "I mean, yeah. I don't remember it, so..."

Benrey gave him an incredulous look. "you seriously don't remember it?"

"No, it's some weird kid thing I guess- that and I've always had bad memory."

"maan. gotta tell feetman all about us as uhhh,, kiddies. feetman got bad memory."

Gordon sighed out a soft chuckle, shaking his head. "Basically, man. I wanna know."

Benrey paused for a few beats. "really?"

Gordon looked over before smiling. "Really."

Benrey looked back at Gordon before a soft smile spread across their face and a few notes of high-pitched yellow sweet voice left their mouth.

[keanureevesisbae]

So Henry, you want to start a YouTube channel? - Chapter 3

Summary: Twenty five year old YouTuber Sandy Choi has no idea that one of her five million subscribers is the one and only Henry Cavill. When he asks her to help him out with starting his own YouTube channel, she falls more and more in love with her. But she should’ve known that dating one of the most desirable bachelors, does come with a prize.

Henry Cavill x Sandy Choi (ofc)

Warnings: None

Wordcount: 4k

A/N: If you want to be on the taglist, please let me know. Also, I really like reading that you like the story. Such a great way to make my day xx

Masterlist // Channel introduction // Previous chapter // Next chapter 

So, this is where Henry Cavill lives. It’s a cute home, but never figured he’d be the one that would live here. I take a few deep breaths, but it doesn’t calm down my nerves. I look down at my white dress and wonder if it’s too much.

I think it’s too much.

I don’t know what I could wear to meet him. I was thinking about a short and a top, but felt that was a little bit too revealing, but come to think of it, this dress is pretty short.

I still don’t know, it looks almost wedding dressy. I shouldn’t have worn this. I stare at my Dr. Martens sandals, thanking the fashion angels that I didn’t wear the cute white heels that I initially had in mind. The only thing I would be missing, was a bouquet.

I grab my phone from my purse, to check what time it is. I was supposed to be at his place at eleven and 10:59.

I walk up to the door and press the doorbell. I hear a loud bark, causing me to jump. From behind the door, there are some stumbling noises and I can even hear his long and deep voice. The door opens with a crack and Henry greets me with a bright smile. ‘Hi Sandy.’

Holy shit, is this even legal? Why on earth is he wearing a tank top? Why would he do that to me? What is the point of doing such thing? Is he actively trying to kill me, because if so, it’s working. I can barely function anymore, since his arms are really distracting. I mean, I noticed it yesterday, I noticed it on the best video online, the PC building one, but now…

Holy shit, I can’t even seem to find the right way to greet him.

‘Are you okay, Sandy?’ he asks, when I haven’t said anything at all.

‘Yes, yes, I’m fine,’ I say, way too quickly. I clear my throat, not knowing what to say to him.

‘Please,’ he says, ‘come in.’ Henry takes a step to the side and I walk past him. He has a nicely decorated house, something that I hadn’t expected. It’s really neat too, didn’t expect that from him. ‘You want something to drink?’

‘Water would be nice.’ Kal has noticed me too, because he slowly struts towards me, his butt wiggling from side to side, while he wags his tail. ‘Hi, you big ball of floof. You are nice and clean again.’

‘It was pretty hard washing him in the tiny bath tub,’ Henry recounts and hands me a glass of cold water, with some ice cubes in it.

I clear my throat. ‘Right,’ I say. Standing in front of him shouldn’t make me feel this awkward, especially not after yesterday. I slowly managed to loosen up, but from the looks of it, we are back from square one. I feel my hands shake a bit from the nerves and my shoulders feel painfully tense.

It doesn’t help that Henry is this tall, this bulky, the complete opposite of me. I can’t seem to make eye contact with him and I curse myself for that. Why do I even feel tears out of pure frustration burning in my eyes?

‘You play video games, Sandy?’ Henry asks me. His voice is sweet and thick at the same time.

I scratch Kal behind his ear. ‘Just some Animal Crossing.’

‘Is it worth the hype?’

‘Mhm.’

‘Why do you play it?’

Though it almost feels like a third degree, I’m happy that he is asking me questions about simple things like Animal Crossing and not those deep questions about the existence of life. ‘It’s relaxing,’ I confess. ‘I need that from time to time.’ I look up again, when I know for a fact that my eyes aren’t glossy anymore.

‘So, you don’t play other games?’

I shake my head, not ready to confess that I sometimes grab my old Nintendo DS to play Style Boutique on it. I mean, I like Henry a lot, but sharing this, is one—or five—bridges too far.

‘I think you played this one,’ he says with a confident smile, while he walks to the television.

Is he wearing some perfume? I inhale again, only to be met with a mix of salty and sweet, the perfect combination for a male perfume. He didn’t wear that yesterday and I know that, because I was pretty damn close to him and you bet your ass I took a sniff.

Henry holds up two Mario Kart wheels and I see the remotes are already attached to it. ‘Look at that precious smile,’ he says and only then I realize that I’m indeed smiling. Did he just call my smile precious? ‘You want to play?’

‘Mhm.’ I walk up to the couch and place my glass on a coaster. He hands me a wheel with a remote and plops on the couch, as he starts up the Wii. There is only one more spot left for me to sit and that is right next to him.

As if Kal senses I’m hesitating, he pushes his nose against my leg and I sit down next to Henry. I feel his warmth radiating against my skin, causing me to nearly hyperventilate. His bulky arm accidentally touches me and I clear my throat, not knowing what I should do with myself. Sitting next to him on this couch, is less intimidating than standing in front of him, but it’s still pretty scary.

And I know that I shouldn’t be scared of him, but I can’t help but feel nervous. ‘Are you any good?’ I ask quietly.

‘I always kick Jackson’s ass.’ He looks to the side and our eyes meet. ‘But he is so so. Usually ends at sixth place.’

We pick out our characters (he is Donkey Kong, while I opt for baby Daisy) and once we have chosen our vehicles, Henry leaves it up to me to choose an entire cup for us to race. ‘Special Cup.’

‘You know Rainbow Road is on that cup?’ he mentions.

‘I’m aware, yes.’ I get ready for the first course: Dry Dry Ruins. ‘Good luck,’ I say to him.

‘You think I need it?’ His eyebrow is cocked and he has a smug grin on his face. Besides him getting more and more confident, he is also getting more handsome every passing minute. ‘I’m really good, Sandy.’

‘I figured. Just, don’t hold back for me, okay?’

‘Sure?’ he asks. ‘Because… I don’t want you to feel bad or anything afterwards.’ That’s adorable, oh my God.

‘I’m not a sore loser, so just race like you would usually do.’

The first race is about to start and we both watch the countdown. I push in the right button at the exact moment I know it’s going to give me a better start. Baby Daisy shoots from the 11th place to the sixth, while Henry stutters Donkey Kong to tenth place (from twelfth, if I may add so). While I soar over the roads, pushing myself to a first place, I manage to stay there for the rest of the race, making the gap between me and second place (and everyone else) bigger and bigger as the race continues. I race over the finish line, making a wheelie as I do so and I watch Henry trying to get himself from seventh to sixth place. He is muttering to himself, growing more and more annoyed.

He finally crosses the finish line. ‘I do need luck,’ he mutters. ‘Can’t believe you kicked my ass like that.’

Our second course is Moonview Highway and I snort every time Henry gets run over by a car or a truck and even drives himself off the road multiple times. He ends up in twelfth place and he is visibly frustrated now.

I shouldn’t be thinking like that, but he looks hot as hell when he’s angry like that. He could easily break the Mario kart wheel and the remote in half and knowing that he can do that, it’s something I’ll probably dream about tonight.

‘We can stop, you know,’ I say to him.

‘No, no, no,’ he says, ‘there is still a chance I can not make a total fool out of myself.’

The third course is Bowser’s Castle and this time, Henry is not a total disaster. He managed to earn himself a third place, while I’m still at number one. ‘I have come to realize and accept that I won’t be beating you, but I have to make sure I’m not losing from the computers.’

I can’t help but chuckle.

The final race is my favorite. I love Rainbow Road and know exactly how to maneuver over the roads. While I’ve crossed the finish line, Henry is still falling behind. I press the + button to pause the game. ‘Let me,’ I say and gently pull the steering wheel from his hands. I race Donkey Kong from eighth place to fourth (I’m good, but I’m not a magician. I can’t poof myself over the finish line) and when I cross the finish line, I hand him back the steering wheel. ‘Congratulations,’ I say, ‘you managed to become fifth.’

‘How on earth are you this good? This was unbelievable!’ Henry starts to laugh. ‘You were crossing the finish line twenty seconds before number two would finish, or worse, a whole minute.’

‘Back in college, we did this a lot. We even had a championship.’

‘Tell me you became first.’

I smile. ‘I did, was the best of entire UCLA, three times in a row.’

‘You never shared that on your vlogs.’

That’s cute. He really watches my videos intently, something that is insanely endearing. ‘I didn’t, no. Seemed a bit: oh look at me, you know?’

‘There is nothing wrong with flaunting,’ Henry says. ‘I mean, you do it with your dance videos right?’

I know that he has seen a lot of my videos, but thinking about him sitting on this couch, Kal pressed against his side and him watching those particular videos, makes me uncomfortable. ‘It’s barely flaunting.’

He tilts his head, I notice from the corners of my eyes. ‘You shouldn’t be this hard on yourself, Sandy,’ he says in a soft tone. ‘You are amazing, five million people and probably more watch your videos. There are a lot of people who are reading your books and…’ He doesnt finish his sentence, while he is looking for the right words to say.

‘You’ve read my books?’ I ask him.

Now he’s blushing a bit and he isn’t looking at me anymore. ‘I’ve read them,’ he admits.

I chuckle. ‘That’s sweet.’

‘But I’m not the only one who adores your videos and finish your books from cover to cover in one sitting. There are tons more and you being modest is absolutely admirable and it only makes you more likable, but there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are talented in many other ways. There is nothing wrong with saying that you are indeed amazing, because it’s true and it shows confidence.’

I bite my lip. ‘Well, fake it till you make it, isn’t that what they say?’

‘Eventually it’ll not be fake anymore.’

A deep sigh leaves my lips and I look at my hands, my thumbs fumbling together. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.

‘Why are you apologizing, Sandy?’

‘That I’m like this again,’ I say. ‘I have a lot of trouble meeting new people and after yesterday…’ Why am I sharing this with him? He’ll probably think I’m the biggest whiny baby on the planet. ‘Never mind.’

‘No, no,’ Henry says, ‘tell me, please. I want to know.’

Kal sits in front of me and I place my hands on the sides of his face, scratching him. ‘I felt really good yesterday after we met, but now I feel like none of that is left. I feel like we’re starting over again. It’s just that I’m not sure what I can say to you now. And you do make it easier and I’m already less nervous and you being a total loser at Mario Kart obviously helps too… I think I don’t want you to think that I’m not having fun.’

‘Sandy,’ Henry says, ‘we’re not starting over. I’m happy that you told me this, though.’

I look up from Kal, to only notice he is already looking at me again.

‘You’re not mad?’

‘This is the last thing I should be mad about. I’m just grateful that you trust me enough to tell me this.’ He bumps his knee against mine and says: ‘I don’t think I can handle it again if I lose.’

‘Figured.’ I look around me, to find something to talk about. As if he is waiting for me to take the first step, he doesn’t say anything. ‘Do you have filming equipment?’

‘I have my phone.’

I scrunch up my nose. ‘But a camera is better. You can separate your files more easily, believe me, you’d want that.’

‘I’ll have to believe the expert on that one,’ Henry laughs.

‘Editing software?’

‘Well, I have a few computers around here, but I also have a MacBook, with iMovie on it. Heard that was pretty good. I bet you use something else.’

‘I used to use iMovie,’ I tell him, ‘but now I use Final Cut Pro. It’s around three hundred bucks, maybe a bit more.’

Henry nods. ‘So, I should buy a camera?’

‘Mhm and more.’

‘What?’

‘A hard disk, a tiny tripod, a big tripod. I was thinking you should buy like a microphone and better lightening, but that’s not really necessary. Yet.’

‘Right.’ Henry rubs his hands together and asks: ‘Want to go shopping with me?’

⟢⟡⟣

Henry spend around five hundred pounds on a camera. In a different store we bought a hard disk and indeed two tripods, though they were heavily overpriced, but Henry said that it was fine.

For the occasion, Henry put on a shirt, but this one still accentuates his arms. For a second my mind wanders to my lovely daydreams: thinking about how it would be if he’d wrap those arms around me, pulling me against his insanely strong body and kissing me on top of my head. But to not go into cardiac arrest right here and now, I decide I’ll just have to wait and dream about that when I go to sleep.

Henry is unpacking his camera and turns it on. ‘God, this is beautiful,’ he says, holding the camera up, to take a picture, while he is watching the screen. He packed everything in a blue backpack, that rests between his legs as we sit on a park bench in the shadow. He looks around him and his eyes fall on a field filled with flowers. ‘Let’s have a little photoshoot,’ he says when he turns around, to meet my eyes.

I frown. ‘What?’

‘I have to test out this camera and when I have you with me, you should be my model.’

I’m visibly confused. ‘You want to take pictures of me?’

‘Yes,’ he simply states. ‘Come on.’ He grabs his backpack and walks to the field. I follow him, but now I’m growing more nervous.

Henry Cavill wants to make pictures of me?

‘Go stand over there,’ he tells me and points to the sunflowers. I walk up to it, my legs nearly turning into jello as I stand next to the sunflower that is around my height.

He crouches down and I cock an eyebrow. ‘I’ve seen your editorials, Sandy, you’ll do amazing here. Besides, it’s just me.’

It’s never going to be just you, Henry, don’t you get that? I take a deep breath and start to pose for the pictures. He clicks his tongue, as he continues to snap pictures, telling me I’m looking beautiful, but finally the sun is frying my head. ‘Can we stop?’ I ask him. ‘I’m a sweaty mess.’

Henry starts to chuckle and looks at the screen. ‘Sure thing.’

I walk up to him, so I can look at the pictures as well and oh my God, these all look really good.

‘Wow,’ I mention. ‘Those are pretty decent.’

‘It helps when the model is easy to photograph.’

I clear my throat. What does one say to that? ‘Judging from these pictures, you’ll probably do great with filming,’ I say and together we walk back to the road again. ‘Oh look,’ I say, when Henry has put the camera in his backpack. ‘Cotton candy.’

‘Candy floss. You’re in the UK now, Sandy.’

I roll my eyes. ‘Fine, candy floss then.’

Henry tells me to wait, before he takes a few strides and he’s at the stand, buying one. I decide to watch from a far, especially when the man behind the stand wants a picture with him. I don’t want to intrude, so I wander a bit down the road, making sure that Henry can still see me.

Henry walks up to me, with a giant ball of cotton— candy floss on a stick. He plucks off some of the sweet stuff. ‘Open your mouth,’ he tells me.

If that isn’t something right out of my fantasies, then I don’t know anymore. ‘You’re going to feed me?’

‘Yeah, so your hands don’t get sticky.’ Henry has a lovely smile on his face and I wonder what is he going to be like as a boyfriend? As my boyfriend to be exact.

Would he be rough, dominant and strong, like the fanfics suggest (yes, I read those) or is he soft and cuddly? Now I do suspect a bit of both.

He could be pretty dominant. I mean, he told me to open my mouth and my first reflex was wanting to ask how far open he would’ve liked it. But on the other hand, he is also pretty soft, especially towards me. He wants me to be at ease with him, keeps giving me thoughtful compliments and he even said I was beautiful and that I’m easy to photograph.

I mean, who says that kind of stuff?

Boyfriends do right?

Rolling my eyes, I open my mouth and he feeds me some of the candy floss. He retract his hand, before my lips can reach his fingers. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I can barely look at the man from time to time, let alone if I have these kind of impure thoughts.

‘Last time I had candy floss,’ he says, ‘was when I was sixteen. My friends laughed at me, because I wanted a pink one. I know they all taste the same, no matter what color, but pink is the color it’s supposed to be, right?’

I nod. ‘Agree,’ I say as the sugar dissolves on my tongue.

‘When was the last time you had it?’

‘I think I was eight. My dad took me out to the park, because we knew there was a stand where they sold cotton candy. We always walked passed it a few times, because my mom told us that it was really unhealthy and that your teeth would rot off if you ate it. But my mom wasn’t with us then, so we ate like three of those sticks together and we had to lie down on a park bench for about an hour, because we felt so sick.’

‘Does your mom know now?’

‘No, we’re too scared to tell her.’

Henry chuckles. ‘Are you close with your parents?’

I nod. ‘Yeah, I am. My mother reminds me every single day I should take my vitamins, to stay hydrated and not to frown, but that’s her way of showing me how much she cares. My dad texts me everyday, just telling me how his day is going.’

‘Don’t you miss them?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘Why did you even move to London?’ He plucks off some more cotton candy and brings it to my lips. Butterflies flutter inside of my stomach. I feel myself getting more relaxed around him again and him doing this, it feels so normal to us. ‘You never mentioned it in your vlogs.’

I smile, licking the sweet stuff off my lips. ‘I wanted to see the world and I earned enough  money to afford it. My parents were really supportive and they wanted me to explore the world. They just hoped I was going to New York or Canada. But they are excited for me. They always watch my videos and even wake up in the middle of the night if I post in the mornings. They have been there for me since the beginning and though I’m in another continent, I feel like they are always right there.’

‘Isn’t it scary?’ he asks. ‘Being in another continent, without your parents at like twenty five?’

‘Every single day.’

We walk down the street and he continues to feed me the cotton candy. It feels weirdly intimate, but not awkwardly intimate. I open my mouth again, but he holds it a little above my reach. ‘Henry,’ I mumble, ‘not funny.’

He chuckles, lowering his hand, but I could’ve known that he was just messing with me. When I stand on my toes, he holds it further above my head and eventually eats the pink stuff himself.

I want to grab some off the stick, but even that he holds above my head. ‘Henry, come on. Don’t be mean.’

He doesn’t think this is mean, because he continues to do it, laughing the entire time. He does it again and I jump up, hoping I can reach it, but it’s hopeless.

I jump up again, but this time I fold my fingers around his forearm, pulling his strong arm with me so I can finally get a bite.

But holding his thick arm like this, it’s giving me all sorts of thoughts. He feels so strong and it’s quite intimidating of course, but something about his warm skin, is also intensely soft.

‘I knew that was there,’ he says with an almost proud smile.

‘That was there what?’ I ask, letting go of his arm.

‘That bit of assertiveness.’

My cheeks flare up. ‘Hardly.’

‘Hence the bit part.’

I glance at him, but it doesn’t last long. He can’t seem to stop smiling and to be fair, I don’t  want him to. He looks breathtakingly handsome and like a perfectly sculpted human. He licks his fingers and I bet he knows exactly what that is doing to me. He throws the stick away and wants to wipe his fingers to his shirt or pants, but I stop him.

‘Wait,’ I say, before digging through my small purse, finding a tissue. ‘Here.’

‘Well prepared,’ he comments, as he takes the tissue out of my hand.

‘Always.’

He cleans his hands and throws the tissue into the bin. ‘Thanks for coming with me today.’

‘Sure,’ I say. ‘What do you want to film first?’

‘No idea yet. I want a bit of everything, you know.’

I nod. ‘Get it. When I started my channel, I was thinking about doing a fashion channel. When I thought about it, I realized I didn’t want that and wanted more lifestyle related videos.’

‘What stopped you from doing fashion videos?’

‘Not being fashionable enough.’

‘Nonsense,’ he tells me in a stern voice. ‘You look fashionable.’

I hold in a giggle that bubbles up. Dominant boyfriend Henry is definitely a concept.

‘What even made you start your channel?’

‘I wanted to romanticize my life,’ I answer. ‘I felt like I was wasting my life and realizing that ever moment is worth noting, it’ll give you tons of footage. Just keep that in mind when you film. Nothing is too boring for a vlog, as long as you edit it nicely.’

Henry nods. ‘That’s beautifully said, Sandy.’

Taglist: @flhorah​ // @henrythickcavill​ // @toomanystoriessolittletime​ // @tumblnewby // @newts-fan-case // @thelastsock​

[tumbling-odyssey]

Games I played in 2020

Just felt like getting my thoughts out on all the games I played this year. I’ve been wanting to do something like this for years but I always let it pass me by. Well not this year! Fuck you laziness! 

I played the first half in 2019 but finished it in 2020 so I guess I'll count it. DQ11 was my intro to Dragon Quest and what a good starting point. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is one of the best traditional JRPGs on the market. Characters, story, combat, it all clicks in just the right way to make a flawless game... until the end credits roll that is. 

I have no idea what happened with the post game but by god does it dive off a cliff. It undermines everything you worked to do in the main plot. The characters act brain dead and it shamelessly reuses events from the main game. Please pick up and play DQ11 but for the love of god just stop when the credits roll.

Doom is a game I knew I'd like. The heavy metal ascetic and soundtrack were right up my alley, but I just never found the time. With Eternal on the way though and having found it on the cheap at a pawn shop I figured there was no time like the present. Needless to say but I was right. I loved everything about this game. The thrill of combat, the screech of the guitars, and the silent take no shit attitude of Doomguy. Make no mistake though, I SUCK at this game. I played on easy but still got my ass handed to me on the regular. But I don't care, I was having way to much fun.

I flipped my shit when this game got leaked at the tail end of 2019. Zero 3 is my all time favourite game. To celebrate this getting announced I went and 100% Zero 3 as I hadn't done it on my current cart, and Zero 3 was still the first thing I played when I got this collection! I love that game to death and I’m glad to have it on modern consoles again. As I was under a bit of time crunch with other games releasing soon I only played 2 other games in the collection Zero 4 and ZX Advent. Until the DS collection those and 3 were the only Zero/ZX games I had so I have a lot of nostalgia for them. 

Zero 4 hold ups better then I remember. Not as good as 3 but a damn solid game with tweaks I honestly wish hit the series before its end. I remember having issues with the stage design and ya it’s not perfect, but it’s far from as bad as I thought. For ZXA this was the first time I beat the game on normal difficulty. For some reason the ZX games have always given me more trouble than the Zero games, so finally beating one on normal was very exciting. Maybe I can now finally go and beat ZX for the first time...

The Mystery Dungeon series rising from the depth to punch all those unexpecting in the face was a very welcome surprise. I had a lot of hype going into this one as I have very fond memories of my time with Red Rescue Team and even more with Explorers of Darkness. And the game lived up to it! The remastered music is great and crazy nostalgic, the 3D models are well used and don't feel as stiff as they do in the core series, and the QOL changes are near perfect... So why did I drop this game like a rock once I finished the main quest? 

Anyone familiar with Mystery Dungeon will know that the post game is the real meat of it. The story is short and all the really cool shit comes in after it's done. But I just couldn't bring myself to put more time in after I finished said story mode. I'm definitely chocking that up to me just not being in the mood then an issue with the game. Here's hoping we get an Explorers DX sometime soon. That will fucking hook me for all it's got.

Second verse same as the first. I loved this game and sucked at it horribly. Out of all the games I've played this year Doom Eternal is the one I want to go back to the most. I was not the hugest fan of some of the changes made and retained a stance that I liked 2016 better. First person platforming has never been a fun experience in my opinion and Eternal did little to change that. And I know this a lukewarm take at best but fuck Marauders!. They are so unfun to fight and ruin the pace. The Marauder in the last mook wave took me so long I was worried I wouldn’t be able to finish the game. But the more I've seen of Eternal after my playthrough makes me think I was being far to harsh. I haven't played the DLC yet either. Mostly cuss I haven't heard great things about it. Gonna wait for the rest of it to come out to see if it's worth getting. Might just replay to whole game at that point to see if it clicks with me better.

This was my second favourite game of the year, and was going to take the top slot until a certain other game came out. Addressing the elephant in room right away, I hated the ending. But I was expecting something like that, I think we all were. I won't let the ending ruin the rest of the game though. Not gonna let 1 segment colour everything that came before it. We have to see how the later parts play out to truly see if this ending was trash or not anyway. 

It took Square over a decade but they finally got an action RPG battle system that works and feels good to play. This may be my favourite battle system in an RPG period honestly. All four characters are a blast and it only gets better the more time you spend with it. Figuring out the nuances of each character’s skills and how to combine them not only with the skills of the others but how to enhance them with the right Materia set. This makes fights thrilling and satisfying when you finally best whatever was giving you trouble. Tis was the best way to bring 7′s mechanics into the modern landscape while also fixing the BIGGEST issue the OG had. The fact every character feels the same aside from Limit Breaks. 

All this on top of graphics that just look fucking stunning, a few glitched out doors aside. Fuck I still feel blown away looking at the characters models (mostly Tifa) and see how god damn pretty everyone is. Also Tifa’s Chinese dress is gift from the Gods and I still haven’t picked my jaw up from the floor after I first saw it.

In my circle of the internet there was a lot of hype for this game. So much so that I ended up buying it to see what all the hubbub was about. I had never played a Streets of Rage game before and my only experience with beat'em ups was playing a LOT of Scott Pilgrim and last year's River City Girls. Turns out Streets of Rage plays quite a bit different and it kicked my ass! So sadly I had to switch to easy to make it through but I still had a fun time with it. 

I started playing mostly as Blaze but once Adam hit the scene oooooh fucking boy. I didn’t play anyone else. There's a deceptive amount of content in this game. You can unlock almost every character from the previous games and all of them rocking their original sprites and moves. If I had more of a connection with this series I'm sure I would have gone nuts on unlocking everything. I stopped after my one playthrough and I was happy with that. Always glad to support a long overdue franchise revival.

To properly talk about P5R I think I need to air a lot of my feelings on the original game and the importance it has to me. You see, prior to 2017 I barely played games, only sticking to specific franchises. AKA Pokemon and Mega Man/Mega Man like games. Until 2016 though I still bought a lot of games. Eating up Steam sales and deals I found at pawn shops. This lead to a Steam library and shelf filled with games I've never touched outside of maybe an hour or 2. So in 2016 when I took interest in the newly released Kirby Planet Robobot I made a deal with myself. I could get the game but I HAD to beat it.  And I did just that, gaining not just a new fav Kirby game but a new rule for game purchases. If I knew I wouldn't beat a game I was not aloud to buy it. Now what does ANY of this have to do with P5 you may ask? Well... almost everything.

 I was immediately interested in P5 when it hit the west in 2017. I loved the 20 or so hours I but into P3 years ago and really liked the P4 anime I had watched around the same time. So of course with all the hype around it I wanted to dive into the series full force with P5. But I knew myself. Putting over 100 hours into a game was beyond me and I had a weird relationship with home console games as I was predominately a handheld gamer. Add in the fact I didn't even have a PS4 and I was convinced P5 would be something I always wanted to play, but never would. So when I went to the mall with a few friends and they showed me that P5 had a PS3 version, I had a dilemma on my hands. I knew I wanted to play it and I now had a way to do so. But doing that would require me to change 2 HUGE hang ups I had with games. Would I being willing to waste 60 bucks with so much working against me? Apparently I was. I immediately started going to town on this game. Making sure I spent no less then 2 hours a day playing NO MATTER WHAT. Which may not seem like a lot but it was to me... at the time.. I also had just moved to my current house, so coming home from my still relatively new job and going straight into P5 was the first real routine I formed during this heavily transitional part of my life. 

I of course ended up loving P5 and put 200 hours into it. As such my outlook on gaming was forever changed. Console games were no longer out of reach and I knew I could handle playing monster length game. I started playing way more games then I ever did before and trying out generas I never thought I would play. P5 is the main reason for this and why I'm able to make a post like this. To actually touch on Royal though? It's unarguably the better version of the game and Atlus learned all the right lessons from P4G. The new characters are great and the added section at the end is possibly the best shit Atlus has ever written. I only wish Yoshizawa joined the party sooner so I could play as her more. 

The release of this really came out of nowhere huh? Wayforward announced it was being made mid way through 2019, then there was its weird half release on the Apple store... and then suddenly it was out! Very little fanfare for this one. Is that indicative of the games quality? Luckily no. Seven Sirens is a solid addition to the series and follows up Half Genies Hero nicely. The game goes back to Shantae's Metroidvania roots and makes a TON of improvements. 

Transformations are now instant instead of having to dance for them (don't worry dancing is still in the game) making the game feel more like Pirates Curse in its fast flow. They also added the Monster Cards which take heavy inspiration from Aria of Sorrow's Soul system. A feature I'm happy to see in any Metroidvania since Aria is one of my all time favourite games. Sadly though the game does not take the best advantage of these improvements. 

Over all the game feels kinda empty. The dungeons aren't super exciting to explore nor are they challenging in any way. And the plot is very repetitive, with each dungeon repeating the same beats. Really this game feels more like set up for a better game down the line. The mechanics are all here and Wayforward has a solid art style with the sprites from Half Genie Hero. Hopefully they capitalizes on this for Shantae 6 and we get the best game in the series.

While it may not have been the most thrilling game, Seven Sirens really put me into a Shantae mood. So much so that I went back to play the 2 games in the series I had never touched. This being the first game and Risky's Revenge. Shantae 1 really is a hidden gem in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, it's the definition of jank, but there's a lot of heart to this game. The sprites are great, the soundtrack is good, and the characters are funny... but it's still on the OG Gameboy and that's a massive hindrance for any game. I'm hard pressed to recommend this with how poorly its aged but I think it's better then it looks. 

Risky's Revenge on the other hand was a game that shocked me by how little it had to offer. I know this game went through a hellish development and what we got was far from what Wayforward planned to make, but it's hard to imagine a world where this was the technical BEST Shantae game. It's not a bad game by any stretch... just a boring one.

For the record my ranking of the games goes Pirates Curse>Half Genie Hero>Seven Sirens>Original>Risky’s Revenge

Sword and Shield are mediocre games at best. I know, real steaming hot take there. I managed to make my Sword playthrough a lot more fun by not spoiling myself on the new Pokemon designs for the first time since Gen 3. Either way, I enjoyed myself enough that I didn't mind playing more of it with these DLC campaigns. Plus I love the idea of Game Freak switching over to this method as apposed to making a third version, so I wanted to support it. 

Klara is a fucking top tier Poke Girl both in design and personality and is probably the highlight of Isle of Armour. GF actually went out of their way to give her multiple expressions to sell her toxic bitch personality and I love every minute of it. She sadly drifts into the background for the second half of the DLC’s story which hurts an already rough section even more. Not more then having to grind Kubfuu all the way to fucking level 70 though! That put a serious hamper on my motivation to finish the story but I pushed through anyway. Having to solo the tower with Kubfuu was at least a fun challenge though, as was the final fight with Mustard. Fuck the Diglett hunt though. Ain’t no one got time for that.

Crown Tundra may be my fav of the 2 though even if there isn't a character as good as Klara in it. The hunt for the legendaries was just pure adventure and I had a fucking blast doing it. The joy I felt when I figured out Registeel’s puzzle put a smile on my face unlike any Pokemon game since I was a kid. The whole Regi stuff was honestly a nice Nostalgia trip to my times with Emerald. The story around Calyrex was enjoyable, even if I still hate its design. Not revealing the horses before release was a good call to as it gave an honest surprise. Having to chase down the Galar forme Birds in the overworld is a great way to evolve the roaming legendaries idea and I hope GF sticks to this. Plus the Galar forme birds are some of the best legendary designs since Gen 5 and I love Chocodos way to fucking much. 

Here we are folks, my GotY. I love Panzer Paladin so fucking much. A combination of mechanics from Mega Man, Castlevania, and Blaster Master? Sign me the fuck up! This game is tailored made for me and I knew I had to play it once it started making the rounds on social media. I'll admit though, I was a bit worried when the the first full trailer dropped and showed the weapon mechanics. Breakable weapons that you have to sacrifice for checkpoints and power ups? I'm not sure about that.... Luckily I was being a complete moron and those mechanics are near perfect. 

I love the set up of each boss being a mythological creature from different cultures. They didn’t just pull the easy ones either. A lot of these things I learned of for the first time here. I love how Grit controls. Using the upward stab as a double jump and being able to pogo off enemies Shovel Knight style just felt great and satisfying. Flame was limited but it made her sections feel tense. She does more damage then you think she could at first glance. Also the only way to heal Grit being to use pods that only Flame could access was a cool idea. 

I am begging you Tribute Games, you have to make more Panzer Paladin games. Slap some new upgrades on Grit and expand what Flame can do and you have an even better sequel  on your hands. Also maybe not have so many 'gotcha' moments with enemy placement. That's really my only complaint about the game. Great music, great sprites, giant robots, unique premise, and a reference to Canadian legends. The ultimate self indulgent game for me.

It felt super out of left field for Curse of the Moon to be getting a sequel. The games fucking amazing but it was really just a tie in for the main Bloodstained product. Not something I expect to get a continuation. Either way I was pumped. If this was even half as good as the original then I was in for a great time. Which held true... cuss this legitimately is only half as good as Curse of the Moon. I still like the game, quite a lot actually. I mean how could I not with a fucking Corgi piloting a Death Train Mech. 

Something was just missing here that never made this click like the first game. Maybe it was the stage design, maybe the bosses, maybe the fact that it's a bit to long. I'm not sure. All I know is I couldn't bring myself to play all the modes like I did in the original. . Stopping part way in to the one where you can get the first games characters. I want to go back some day... I just don’t know when someday is.

This was an announcement I never saw coming. A Gundam Verses game coming to the west? That hasn't happened in the entire time I've been a Gundam fan. I had played a bit of Full Boost on my old roommates PS3 thanks to him having a Japanese account and I played Force on the Vita a few years ago. But to have the latest version fully translated with open servers? Holy hell that's a dream come true. 

Having the open betas every weekend leading up to launch was some much needed fun during this shit hole year. I had a lot of fun just fucking around with different suits and seeing what I could do with 'em. Absolutely trashing two Bael players as the Kapool is a memory I'll keep with me for a long time. Fucking danced on their graves. This gave me some new appreciation for suits like the Baund Doc and Hambrabi, the later becoming a lowkey fav as it was my main.

I've fallen off with the game in the last few months but I definitely want to go back. I hope to start learning the game and take parts in tourneys when cons aren’t death sentences anymore.

It felt like everything in my life was SCREAMING at me to start the Yakuza series. From 2 of my friends playing 0 recently, a youtuber I following live tweeting as he played through the WHOLE series back-to-back, and Yakuza 2 having a run at AGDQ 2020. Plus the constant pleas to play this series you get from following Little Kuriboh on Twitter. I finally broke and picked up 0 in the middle of August. Boooooooooy howdy did I not know what I was getting in to. And no I don't mean the content. I knew Yakuza was a series of wildly conflicting tones between the main story and side quests. What I mean is the length. I legit thought this was gonna be a 20-30 hour game. When i reached hour 30 of my playthrough and realized I wasn't even close to a conclusion, I think I knew I had bitten off more then I was planning. That misstep aside I ended up loving this game and want to play the rest of the series.... I just need to rest up first before I dive into Kiwami 1.

 Let's actually talk about the game for a moment here. Kiryu and Majima quickly clicked as likeable characters to me and I cared about their stories. Combat is fun and the multiple styles are all great.... though both the default styles take a while to get there. The mad rush I felt at the end was fantastic and the last bosses are a joy to fight. Only real complaint is the pacing of the side stories. I loved being able to just stumble into various different events while on route to the next plot objective. But this became less common as the game went on and side stories started getting more tucked away. Also hot take here, the host club mingame is more tedious then fun and I like Kiryu’s business stuff as I could do that in the background. I’m excited to dive into Kiwami and probably Kiwami 2 this year... Though I’m not sure when just yet.

Just gonna say it flat out, I think this is better the the 2018 game. The smaller scale helps in this style of game and Miles just naturally has a better move set then Peter. I'm not sure if they actually tightened up the combat system or if they just threw less bullshit enemies at you but fighting feels so much better in this one. Traversal is better too,  simply because they changed the button for tricks. In the original you have to hold down 2 face buttons to enter trick mode??? In hindsight that was such a bad call. 

Having both the heal and venom powers run off the same meter was a good idea. Making the choice between keeping yourself alive guaranteed or potentially ending a fight quicker/disposing of a problem enemy is super fun. The player having to make small choices like this during combat is what helps it not be brainless. I love all the different venom skills you get. While they all achieve the same thing in stunning opponents, how you achieve that goal is up to you. Do you want to just slug the bastard, throw 'em up in the air, tackle the shit out of them? The choice is yours. 

Only real big complaint is certain upgrades being NG+ locked. I know you want to encourage replays, but this is a shitty way to do it I feel. Also can we retire Rhino for the next game. Man has had 2 shitty boss fights now and I need a break. Between this and Spider-Verse, I'm honestly starting to like Miles as Spider-Man more then Peter.

I got this game more on a whim then anything. I was definitely interested when it was first announced for the west. Vanillaware's beautiful art style in a story about giant robots beating the shit out of Kaijus? Sign me the fuck uuuuuu-oh wait it's an RTS? I had never played an RTS's before, mainly due to the sheer concept stressing me out. So I let it fall to the wayside. The game started coming up again though towards the end of the year with GotY on everyone's minds.  This revived my interest, especially as what I HAD planned to be playing around that time was... well. Cyberpunk. Don't think I need to say much more. Also I had worried for nothing as the Real Time Strategy was not that Real Time. 

This game really lays on the analysis paralysis once you're out of the tutorial. Do you want to fight, do you want to do story, who's story do you want to do, what branch should you follow, how much should you play with this one character? It's very overwhelming at first. I decided to not go ham on just one character and swap around all the time. The twists in this game are equal parts exciting and infuriating. Learning something new always came with the caveat of more questions, or something you knew 'for sure' being disproven. Like when I learned 1 characters was actually 4 separate ones! Anyone that's played knows exactly what I'm talking about. 

Natsuno ended up being my fav and not just because of.... obvious reasons. BJ was cute if unfortunately named and her relationship with Mirua was my favourite in the game. Not that there was much competition except for maybe Ogata and Tomi. I ended up really liking the combat but I can see why RTS fans say it's the weakest part. It's far from complex and I had a winning strat by the third or so real fight. Aka spam turrets and have the Gen 1′s gank all the bosses.

One quick thing I want to share was how I beat the boss at the end of Area 2. The one where Inaba is singing. I had Hijiyama use the limit break skill to bum rush the boss right off the hop. I took out half its health in one hit but Hijiyama’s Sentinel was on death’s door. Only thing that saved him was sending in Amaguchi to blow up a bunch of missiles. Hijiyama took it out on his next attack but lost his Sentinel at the same time. It was a real clutch victory and crazy fucking anime. 

The best way to really describe Carrion is that it's a fantastic proof of concept. Can you make a game where you play as The Thing? Why yes, yes you can. Carrion just needed a bit more tweaking to really bring this concept home and be the A+ game I know it can be. As it is now the game is a bit empty. The level design is super samey and the lack of a map is fucking brutal at points. I know it would make no sense for a blob monster to have a map but somethings you just have to gameify for convenience. The level design must have done something right as even though I was completely lost I still moved from area to area properly. Hell by the time I actually looked up a map I had 1 more item to get and I learned I was one door away from beating the game. 

I love the idea of losing mass as you take damage and gaining more by eating people, but having abilities tied to size was a terrible idea. It just leads to tedium as I have to go and shed myself to the right size, do the puzzle, then of course I'm going to go back and rebuild myself to see if I can do the next segment at full power. Just make it so you can swap between abilities using the d-pad or something. I hope this game gets a sequel just so this sick ass concept can be fully realized.

[pokechars]

Pokemon 25th Anniversary Blog Post

 Time for something that I rarely do here... an actual blog post!

So, have you been enjoying your Pokemon Day? How did you like the news?

As for the Pokemon Legends: Arceus game, I am absolutely excited. This is something that will surely bring some freshness to the franchise, which admittedly has been drowning in its own clichés for years. What exactly will it bring? Who knows. It is way too early to deem it good or bad - unlike the other revealed title, we just don't know what to expect. So, surely I will be looking forward to the updates, though I guess this may not be any time soon. So far, the game's overworld looks like one big Wild Area. This looks like much fun to explore, but also like something that may get boring after a while. I hope that the developers find a way to make the game exciting at the long go and prepare some interesting plot. I am especially interested in its backstory aspect - I hope that despite the wilderness, we do get to see some familiar places in their ancient form. For example, I would love to see what Solaceon Ruins were before they became, well... ruins. But what excites me the most is the possibility of future "Legends" games. I mean, "Pokemon Legends" sure sounds like some ongoing side-series, right? And Johto-based Legends game is something that I would DEFINITELY want to see in the future. Johto is literally made for it - it has ancient ruins, Pokemon version of Kyoto, geishas, Legendary towers, ninjas in Mahogany etc. It would be a sin not to do that! Also, if the Sinjoh Ruins is somehow integrated into Legends: Arceus's plot, then we might even get a hint of such a game in the future. This is definitely something that I see great potential in. But what will we really get? Only time will tell. By the way, what names do you call the protagonists of this game? I jokingly call them "Koukiemon" and "Hikarihime" but maybe someone already invented better names. I hope that they do get some official names.

As for the other big reveal, the long-awaited Diamond & Pearl remakes - Pokemon Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl, my feelings are rather mixed. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that they will be great games, just like the originals were. But comparing them to previous remakes, I can't help but feel somewhat disappointed. I'm not gonna lie, the remakes were mostly about graphical progress to me. Getting a familiar but more polished and more realistic version of the old game's world, translating it into the visuals of modern games. This remake lacks this aspect. I am not saying this is a bad approach per se, the problem is that they decided to take this approach at this point, after the general standard of what a Pokemon game remake should be like has been long but established. If the remakes were always like this, it would be okay and nobody would complain. But looking back to the previous remakes and how they represented their respective regions, seeing that Sinnoh got this kind of approach feels somewhat... unfair. Also, the game's general aesthetic and how different it is from other modern core series Pokemon games makes it feel somehow detached from its generation. All previous remakes were full-fledged core Pokemon entries that could (and often did) influence the series and bring something new to it, while BDSP seems more like a one-time affair which is going to have no bearing on the series's future. It also lacks this unpredictability aspect that PLA has. What we've seen so far seems to say much about the game as a whole - we pretty much know how to expect with little room for surprise, unless the devs throw some curveball at us. The game's visuals philosophy also limits its usefulness for my character collection. The character models are pretty much direct representations of their overworld sprites from DP (except even more caricatural), so they are not really representative of the character in question - not something I would use for my collection (it would be like using GameBoy or DS overworld sprites...). Of course, important characters will get artworks (not a big fan of the game's artwork style, but this is purely subjective) but since the designs are preserved almost 1:1, these will not be as exciting as in previous remakes, where we were wondering about character redesigns. Some were good, some were strange or controversial, but they were just one more puzzling aspect of each remake, which BDSP lacks. One good use I see for these remakes, though, are the models for Trainers in battle (which are kept in similar aesthetic as LGPE, which is detailed just enough for me). I hope that all Trainer Classes make it and nobody gets cut (the question is legit, since ORAS removed Female Triathletes and Psychics). I still hope that, despite the rather underwhelming first impression, the new remakes do hide something nice for us and that they will bring some goodies to my character collections, which I will be happy to post here. After all, LGPE which felt similarly underwhelming (and still ranks rather low in my subjective Pokemon games ranking), did have some nice things after all.

Happy 25th Anniversary, Pokemon fans! Maybe the future isn't bad! Let's hope that the new surprising game breaks the routine.

[rnajorarcana]

               ❛  can’t tell if i’m really here , i think i’m leaving this body -                                              bye - ye - ye - ye - ye !

                                                        oliver oli d’angelo . 23 . pan . he/they .                                                                              angel boy .                                                                              ( bullying , toxic relationships )

✧ ˖ * ° ><> ╱  ross lynch,  genderfluid,  he/they —  look  who’s  fresh  from  the  ferry,  aren’t  you  OLIVER  “ OLI "  D'ANGELO  ?  your  eroda  brochure  says  you’re  TWENTY - THREE  and  that  you’re  currently  residing  in  MARMOTON.  your  favourite  tourist  attraction  to  hang  around  is  SEA ROCK BREWERY,  and  the  locals  around  these  ports  would  describe  you  as  SILVER  TONGUED  &  CLEVER,  RETICENT  &  INSECURE.  your  resting  fish  face  really  gives  off  SHADES  OF  BLUE  REFLECTING  THE  SEAS  &  SKIES ,  TATTOO  INK  MIXED  WITH  GLITTER ,  THE  MAGIC  IN  HIS  VEINS  &  THE  DIAMONDS  IN  HIS  BONES  and  i’m  a  big  fan  of  the  DECK OF TAROT CARDS  you  seem  to  always  be  attached  to.  well,  if  you  see  the  minister  this  morning;  make  sure  you  head  on  home  as  quick  as  possible,  you  never  know  what  bad  luck  he  could  bring.

                       i . past

there is a saying that the amount of kind people in the world is diminishing ; and given exactly what you’ve been through , my dear boy ?? you could attest to that . kind people are forged in fire & have blood leaking from their mouths , given bruised knuckles and black eyes - yet here you are .

eroda born you grow up shy & quiet , gentle & sensitive - the type of kid that is easy to befriend if you talk to him but is equally as easy to shove into a locker . you are sketchpads & soft smiles but bruised cheeks & visits to the principal’s office and you’re told boys will be boys so there isn’t much the school boards can do about your constant harassment . you’re different than them because you don’t fit into their mold ; girls like you because you don’t pull their hair or make fun of them for being girls and that makes the other ones jealous , further worsening the treatment .

all you have is you , taking solace in the two things you know - artwork & video games . you imagine yourself as a gallant hero - like the one in the zelda games - riding alone but still kind & brave , and these drawings you make consist of both the characters from your comfort and yourself as such . you bury yourself in your nintendo ds , carrying it everywhere , and maybe one day you’ll be the link to a story where there’s a courageous hero needed and you can fill that slot . of course , your interests only contribute to the fact you’re seen as high school’s punching bag . you take it .

but things get different the one day you get pushed to the ground - because high school’s like that - and your beloved drawings get torn , your ds held from your grasp like a toy held from a jumping dog . and oli d’angelo , the ‘ angel boy ’ , with red lips & cherub cheeks & puppy eyes , decides he’s had enough and clocks his assailant back . principal’s office visit again , you’re suspended , but your darling mother ( she’s all you have ; your father strolled out the door before you could know him & the woman is a bit broken from hoping he could come back after all these years ) rubs your back , takes you out for ice cream , and tells you that you did the right thing .

doesn’t feel like it , since your limits were simply pushed .

graduation , art school , new horizons . oliver d’angelo meets trevor frost , and they instantly click , and with words exchanged across library tables and eventually kisses behind bookshelves , a budding romance is formed . he’s rich ; he even offers to pay for your tuition , but you fall in love with him because he looks at you like you are everything , but you don’t realize the wool pulled over your eyes - because you’re an angel who’s naive & innocent and he’s the monster that berates you & digs at you with even the most syrupy words , then lulls you into coming back . you spend your nights crying thinking you are to blame for things he’s done to you - finding he has more bedmates than just yourself , being accused of things that aren’t your fault or your doing . . . you are broken down , piece by piece , and once more . . . there’s a day where you can no longer take it .

screaming , hellfire , a broken angel finally breaks free of his chains and runs away , even though the monster tried to clip his wings . you pack up your things and leave , and you realize that your financial support is gone , but you need to get out . 

. . . this life , it’s tested your kindness & your patience - you’ve been tossed through the wringer endlessly , and as you leave his apartment , you make a resolution that you can no longer allow yourself to be hurt . you cannot be vulnerable .

you are now oli , and oli shows up to his high school reunion with a new air of confidence . obnoxious confidence , like a party boy - but he retains his charm , words of silver leaking from his lips and charisma among a crowd enough to bring in even those who treated him unkindly in the years prior . he becomes the LIFE OF THE PARTY , but he doesn’t actually want to be there . this new persona - this arrogance , this annoying voice , this being who participates in every vice possible . . . he is nothing like the sweet & gentle boy that lies underneath . but he’s a mask , a suit of armor that you carry - so you can numb yourself over the loneliness & hurt that’s plagued you over the years .

new horizons , take two . you complete a tattoo artist apprenticeship , get your license - ship yourself off to another chapter of your life that hopefully means things will change . you’re black clothes & sunglasses & tarot cards & tattoos , silver tongues and smiles that only signal mischief . long conversations and words flying a mile a minute because your mouth is your greatest weapon . the good thing is nobody here knows you . . . even though maybe , you’d want them to - but if you do , you run the risk of getting hurt again .

oliver gets hurt , but oli is a courageous hero ( maybe ) that can go up against anything needed . . . you can be oli for now , even though that hurts just as much . 

                      ii . present

SO OLI . . . god this is my son . this is my oc i’ve written forever and god do i love him . 

so !! he’s an artist , loves to draw , paint , etc , now employed as a tattoo artist ! and . . . he’s also . got a lot of bad habits since he’s got a party boy facade to keep up and tries to make himself into someone else since , who he actually is , he’s scared to be in fear of getting hurt again . 

on the inside , he’s sweet and gentle and introvereted - he doesn’t like big social gatherings and would much rather vibe on his own or with a few close friends ( if he had friends ) than anything else . but he’s afraid , again , of being himself or being vulnerable towards anyone else because he’s seen as an easy target , and his feelings are easy to manipulate . . . 

so on the outside , he’s much different . he’s fucking annoying , to start - he’s a talker , always has something to say , and he’s very good at keeping a conversation . he’s a charmer , and paired with his big brown eyes and his award winning smile he can talk a snake out of its basket . but he also , again , maybe says too much and doesn’t have any fear or realization of consequences , and indulges himself in things like alcohol , sleeping around , loud parties , etc . because that’s the persona that keeps him guarded . and he’s gotten used to it , but he doesn’t like that this is what he’s known for . he wants people to get to know him for him but . . . this is his only option , since if he lets people inside , he gets hurt . so he just has to deal . 

he’s that person that talks so much , you think he’s oversharing when in ACTUALITY he’s telling you nothing of importance . oli is fucking smart & intelligent and he knows how to read a room , how to pick his words - all survival techniques he’s learned from navigating the world around him . he’s . . . an expert at this social stuff , even tho tbh he much rather wouldn’t be . 

some ppl want to kiss him some ppl want to kick him it be like that sometimes

he’s still nice !! he’s very nice - but maybe a bit more crass and unafraid to say shit that you wouldn’t expect anyone else to say .

but also also it’s like i said before - he is very into artwork and video games , the latter especially being his huge comfort . first is his passion , second is his comfort . oli loves games and he’s lowkey nerdy as hell , even though he’s trying to conceal some parts of himself THAT always bleeds through in some shape or form . 

he’s also extremely into witchcraft , and that’s a major part of his character as well . he likes hanging at the brewery because it’s easy to get people who want tarot readings from him , and he always keeps a sigil or a crystal or something on his person . always has a water bottle of witch tea , always enchants his clothes or items , cleans his workspace at the tat parlor he works at with moonwater - that stuff . he’s known as two things - the angel boy or the magic boy . 

o also he’s genderfluid so rly any titles are valid for him , comfy with anything . diagnosed bipolar ii & adhd bc i’m a bitch that loves to project . 

HE’S . . . HE’S A GOOD BOY . he’s just . afraid to show that he’s a good boy . he’s got a heart of gold but he’s scared that if he shows it someone else is gonna use him again .

ANYWAYS !! like this n i , light , the bastard , will message u for plots !!

[spraxinoscope]

Oct. 14: Why I still think Trump has a ~75% chance of winning

Epistemic status: Who even am I? You shouldn’t listen to me. But see the final section for details.

By ‘winning,’ I mean still being president on 1/22/21, and there being no serious actionable plan to get him out.

2500 words of paranoia and bad math after the cut.

Polling factors:

Today, 538 gives Trump a 13% chance of an EC victory, so let’s use that as a starting point. As Nate Silver will tell you every chance he gets, 2016 presidential polls were only off by a few percentage points, and that’s probably still true. But a similar (or even smaller) systematic polling error would be enough to flip some battlegrounds, bumping Trump up to something like 25-30%. Have pollsters managed to correct for the systemic errors of 2016? There’s true meaningful debate around this, but the balance of evidence seems to be that the pollsters never figured out what caused the errors, and so were not able to fix them.

Note that Trump’s decline in the polls is driven by voters who approved of the president until very recently. Consider the sort of person who still had a favorable of opinion of Trump right up until fall 2020. Generally, dips in Trump’s favorability ratings seem to have been due to conservative infighting. Often, when a person stops supporting Trump, it’s because he is being insufficiently racist. These constituents’ loyalty may be wavering, but they are not likely to switch sides.

As a complete asspull hypothesis, I’d guess that some people who tell pollsters they no longer support Trump are trying to pressure him into adopting more hardline policy and will never vote for a Democrat.

I would posit that the 13% number is the absolute hard minimum chance of Trump winning an EC victory, fair and square. Error bars push that number higher. Taking average polling data over time also pushes that number higher, since it’s almost never been this low.

Dysfunction factors:

So, those are the odds for a free and fair election. What are the odds of the election being free and fair? I’m glad you asked! Zero. 

Election integrity has taken major hits recently. Citizens United turned elections into ad campaigns. Shelby County v. Holder made laws against discriminatory election practices unenforceable. The Hatch Act is also not being enforced. The numerous alleged campaign finance law violations brought against the 2016 Trump campaign all amounted to nothing (except jail time, and subsequent pardons, for some functionaries).

Fine, let’s say elections can never be perfectly fair, but even if we grade on a curve and request that elections be as fair as possible, we’re still not doing great, and it’s been getting worse since 2010.

Hey, remember all those jokes from like 2004 onwards about how unreliable and insecure electronic voting machines are? That shit never got fixed. Remember the story from this week about some 90,000 New Yorkers getting the wrong mail-in ballots?

Remember when the Russians got into the Illinois voter database in 2016? The institutions that were supposed to defend against that kind of thing have since been gutted or captured by republicans.

Hey, remember when the Iowa primary was so dysfunctional that they ended the vote count without ever producing a final tally or figuring out what the problems were?

Election integrity groups have been sounding the alarm continuously on this one. Electoral commissions and underfunded, understaffed, and undertrained in use of modern systems. This is a huge problem all by itself, and it gets worse when applied to the next issue.

Malfeasance factors:

In my American public school civics education, I learned that Richard Nixon was a crook who paid some burglars to spy on the democrats, because of how crooked he was. I did not learn that ratfucking is bog-standard procedure, in every election, all over the world. I had to learn that on my own, later. Generally speaking, the election integrity talking heads take the opinion that most countries routinely interfere in the elections of most countries, and the Ds and the Rs have never not been spying on each other. The extraordinary thing about Watergate was that Republican congressmen were weirdly amenable to allowing an investigation into one of their own, a mistake they have never since repeated.

Some amount of ratfucking is to be expected. The nation has weathered this factor before. But, like electoral competence, this may be getting worse over time. State governments have very wide purview when it comes to voting procedure, and Republican states are wasting no time in finding creative new ways to toss out ballots. The most common reason for a mail-in ballot to be rejected is that the signature on the envelope doesn’t match the voter’s signature on file. There is no official criteria or standard practice for how close a signature has to be to count as a match. Signatures are not useful security for anything, anyway.

Georgia’s 2018 election was arguably illegitimate. Irregularities included voting sites closed at the last minute for unclear reasons and fraudulent ballot collectors stealing ballots. Calls for recounts all failed. Other southern states are on thin ice. All the big Texan cities are getting one ballot drop box each, in case you thought Texas would be allowed to turn blue.

Red states already have various laws permitting them to throw out ballots that arrive after the election. Sabotaging the post office or throwing out all uncounted ballots soon after the election, as most sitting Republicans in congress and governors have already gone on record to suggest may be necessary, is a violation of the letter but not the spirit of existing restrictive voting laws.

The big thing, of course, is that the right wing media landscape has been fully saturated with the idea that Democrats will engage in conspiracies to steal the election, and action will need to be taken to thwart these plots. To that end, Republicans at all levels of government, including at the DOJ, have repeatedly signaled willingness to take unprecedented measures to stamp out fraud. These include numerous voter purge plans, new criteria for dismissing ballots, and sending the DHS or other law enforcement agencies to take custody of ballots.

In addition, the MAGAs are organizing ‘poll watcher’ groups to secure urban voting sites. Even if these groups fully obey the law and do not engage in anything that could legally be termed intimidation or harassment, that’s still a lot of leeway. Of course, over the last couple years, we’ve all learned that right wing protesters can sometimes bend or break the law and get away with it, and sometimes receive cooperation from the police. This goes triple for blue cities in red states, which is exactly what we’re worried about.

Malfeasance in general is made easier by the unprecedented levels of geographically-sorted voting blocs. It is trivially easy to tell whether a district will go hard for Trump or hard for Biden. So, whether interference is coming from law enforcement officers, protesters, or semi-sanctioned militias, they will know which lines to intimidate and which boxes to steal.

Russiagate set a clear precedent: It doesn’t matter if it’s blatant, outrageous, or corrupt. Republicans do not want to defect, and right wing media will keep the base in line. Democrats will be outraged, and then fold. There are no remaining nonpartisan referees to appeal to.

Pundits like to imagine that sitting Republicans in congress will not blatantly steal an election for fear that it will lead to them getting voted out of office, to which I would suggest that the obvious answer is the correct one: Voted out how?

Democrats shooting themselves in the goddamn foot factors:

Trump likes to say that the election will be illegitimate if he loses. Mainstream news outlets like to push back against this. The NYT, for instance, has been loudly insistent that the election is totally secure all year.

It’s not, and they’re morons. No experts agree with them on this. Trump fabricating a bunch of fictional threats does not invalidate the numerous actual threats.

Biden, Pelosi, and Schumer would not be anyone’s first pick for the task of contesting an election, but that’s who we got.

Possible October surprises:

Hey, what do you guys think this year’s James Comey is going to be? The only real prediction I have is that something very destabilizing happens in the week before the election, but the particulars could be anything. Some fun possibilities:

DNC hacked again

Federally sanctioned repeat of the 1985 MOVE bombing

Hunter Biden cocaine sex tape

Anything that startles people, destabilizes institutions, and distracts from other issues is a viable possibility.

Scenarios after a contested election:

There are plenty of bluechecks and think tanks who have already gamed this out in detail. You don’t have to take my word for any of this part. The choices are:

There are rival sets of state electors, and Congress decides which ones count. Result: McConnell and Barr play Calvinball until they get the outcome they like, Trump remains in office.

The supreme court decides. Result: Trump remains in office.

The militias decide. Result: Trump remains in office, plus the Handmaid’s Tale happens.

There’s an orange revolution. After months of protracted struggle, Trump is ousted from office. However, in the meantime, ~8 states have seceded and Russia has annexed Alaska. In the ensuing chaos, John McAfee claims the presidency.

Probability estimates:

Trump’s odds of a ‘legitimate’ EC victory are only at 13% as of this moment, but the running average is higher, with occasional spikes above 30%. Polling errors add a little extra. Let’s say 25%.

Trump’s odds of losing the EC vote, but clawing it back through malfeasance until enough Republicans agree that he’s won, are very low in the case of a Biden landslide. But a landslide is unlikely, and as the results are closer, the probability of Republicans declaring themselves winners approach one. Note that, at least from mainstream news coverage, this won’t look like the power grab that many democrats fear. It will look like a lot of confusion and disarray, with an unclear EC count, followed by a cascade of authorities and sources declaring Trump the winner and securing the acceptance from government bodies one at a time. For the most likely election outcomes in which Trump doesn’t win straight up, I’d say a 30% chance Trump remains in office.

The election being a total dysfunctional disaster, with multiple states unable to certify results, is at least 5%. At least! In such a case, I’d give Trump an 80% chance of remaining in office.

In general, I believe that the only way that Biden gets to be president is if everything basically holds together and works like it’s supposed to, and also Trump legitimately loses the EC. There is one way for everything to go right. There are many ways it can go wrong.

The NYT has fixated on the possibility that Trump clearly loses, but refuses to leave office anyway. I’d give this no more than a 1% chance of happening. But I think there’s a major blind spot around the possibility that we have no idea who won, because the whole thing is obfuscated by multiple layers of confusion and malfeasance. What tools to democrats have for investigating malfeasance? What tools do they have for persuading people that they won when the results are in question? What tools to they have for enforcing election laws that they didn’t have in 2017?

I think they have approximately one asset, and it’s a populace that’s willing to rise up in defense of their rights. But the DNC spent the last five-ish years antagonizing and alienating anyone left of Dianne Feinstein, so, the efficacy of a potential national mobilization has been severely compromised.

Any protracted contested election scenario either favors Trump remaining in power, or the eventual balkanization of the US. One reason there are no good scenarios for a contested election is that mainstream media has been so adamant that the election is secure. When the Democrats are trying to contest results, they will be struggling against their own narrative.

Then, I add a 10% chance that a last minute October surprise tips the race to Trump. It happened last time, and Comey wasn’t even trying; now that every government office is staffed with Trump appointees who are trying, they have a decent shot at this.

Summing up these odds, I arrive at Trump having around a 70% chance.

Then, I add another 5%, because I bet there’s things I haven’t thought of, and every year there’s some small chance that the far right will go all in on a race war, and this would be a good opportunity for them.

I will take actual bets on these odds.

My biases:

Numerous.

I grew up in a red community in a red state and was bullied a lot by kids who grew up to be far-right; I have a chip on my shoulder about this that precludes dispassionate analysis.

I believe the RNC has looked at US demographic trends and likely consequences of climate change, and has accepted a certain amount of fascistic will to power as a necessary evil. This is mere supposition on my part.

Despite the fact that I am more or less an asshole stoner burnout weeb, I remain convinced that the editorial staff at the NYT and several other major American journalistic institutions are somehow even dumber than I am. Although this may sound unlikely, this assumption has been invaluable for making predictions about the world.

I am a paranoid person.

My motivations for writing this:

Believe it or not, I’m only doing this to assuage anxiety. I’ve been convinced that Trump’s odds for remaining in office have been significantly higher than polls would suggest since 2018, and it’s maddening to see so few other people agree even though my core assumptions keep not going away.

If anyone read this far: I’m sorry, and I hope this motivates you to vote, if you weren’t going to already. If Trump remains in office, protests against him will benefit from having the mandate of a clear popular vote win, even if not an EC win, so I do believe that even people outside battleground states should vote.

I don’t know about Tumblr, but on Twitter, ‘no-hopers’ are characterized (fairly or not) as being defeatist Bernie bros who think that Trump should win the election to teach the DNC a lesson. I disavow this idea in the strongest possible terms. I think Biden can win and urgently should win. But every time I see someone talking about the Biden presidency as if it were a sure thing, it takes another year off my lifespan.

No matter what happens, we will be fighting racism and corruption for the rest of our lives, because that’s what ethical behavior entails in this world. But a Biden term vs. a second Trump term are in no way equivalent, and things can still get worse.

In conclusion, [that picture of the guy at the folding table with the ‘prove me wrong’ sign]

[stardust-and-bloodstains]

Rant under cut:

Okay, I just watched this and it made me mad. Let me tell you why:

1. 

This is our introduction to Somnus, The Asshole. When did he become an asshole? Why is he an asshole? The answers are left to you, because no one is going to tell you here. 

Watch as he turns an entire militarised force against regular citizens who are unarmed and ailing. 

Somnus, your people need your help! 

Yeah, no worries, man, I’ll just blindly eradicate every single person who even vaguely suggests any threat of Starscourge!

Somnus, you’re a genius!

2.

Ardyn clearly disapproves. 

Suddenly we have a dynamic that honestly no one prepared us for.

Ardyn also has a dry cough, and that’s bad because anyone with a cough now will probably be rounded up and barbequed before they can even say “urti”.

3.

Keep this in mind, everyone. God-given.

And of course, you’re not gonna show me how charismatic Somnus is, so you’re going to tell me this irrationally blood-thirsty son of a bitch is definitely someone absolutely charming through a bunch of narrative exposition. Gotcha. Thanks.

4.

Oh, Proto-Luna, hi. I wonder what wonderfully deep emotional balance and narrative contribution you’re going to bring to this story? I WONDER WHAT YOUR ROLE IS IN THIS?

5.

The first of many wasted seconds of filler where whoever wrote this simply had zero faith in our ability as an audience to understand what is happening without it having to be spelt out word for fucking word.

6.

I might as well take issue with the way this random Daughter of Farmer is drawn - double Ds with clingy shirts is the flavour of this damn scene, because if she was anything else, then she wouldn’t be worth saving, would she?

7.

Yeah, don’t do what my dickhead brother did to me. Dickhead.

Is it sufficiently clear that Somnus is a Bad Guy yet?

Here’s where we take a moment to look at this - as @thatonedaydream has stated, there’s no good solution to the situation these people have been placed in, and in their own, hamfisted way, the Prologue is trying to make that point. 

The Starscourge seems to have changed in origin throughout the course of the known canon lore of FFXV, and this Prologue leaves us no more enlightened than we were before it. That said, it seems we’re sticking to the idea that the Astrals presented a way of curing the Starscourge, which Ardyn is utilising as prescribed, but that’s resulting in corruption. Somnus, on the other hand, is attempting a complete purge of any signs of Starscourge, but honestly, it’s looking more and more like simple mass murder for all his efforts to keep things under control.

8.

I’m sorry, what? Isn’t being denied the throne your whole schtick the entire game? And yes, I know what’s coming in the next ten minutes, but if you genuinely didn’t care about being king, then why do you adopt being denied it as the summary of your motivations for all your bad deeds in FFXV?

Why is there no consistency to the characterisation of Ardyn? Why is he suddenly being presented as this altruistic, generous and self-sacrificing individual who is willing to face persecution for the sake of others? This gels in no way to the character that he eventually becomes by the time the events of FFXV occur, and stinks of lazy writing hoping to justify eliciting sympathy from a dumb audience by contrasting blatantly “good” traits against a character (Somnus) who is being portrayed as blatantly “evil” just to ensure that Ardyn looks especially sympathetic.

And I hate that so much.

9.

Look, I actually like Aera. For all five seconds of screentime she is granted to give us any indication of her personality, she seems to be a strong-willed, sassy Oracle who does as she likes, despite the rules.

Too bad that doesn’t hold true when she has any possibility at all of influencing the plot.

And guys, does anyone know who Aera is meant to be engaged to? I know something was lost in translation here, but I can’t figure out which brother it is. Not that it matters...

10.

What is even the point of this filler scene? We learn no new information, learn nothing about the characters, their history, the world’s history. If this is meant to foreshadow Ardyn’s fate, then there isn’t much that really couldn’t be said with just the final frame of dialogue where Aera freaks out over a very boring waterfall.

I suppose we’re meant to feel sorry again for Ardyn, who has given up everything and lives like a hobo because the only thing he wants is to be with Aera. Too bad she’s gonna end up in a freezer - 

11.

So someone please tell me what the point of this scene was? Oh no, his cough is back. Oh no, he’s being chased by some of Somnus’ guards. Oh no, he fell. Oh no, it’s raining. Oh, poor Ardyn, he’s got it so rough.

12.

Look at this asshole, assholing all over the place, what an asshole.

13.

And now, ladies and gentleman, that the strong and sassy girl has the opportunity to say something in defence of all that she fights for and believes in, A Mysterious Hand that is Evil (see the pointed tips of the gauntlet for proof) BLOCKS HER FROM DOING SO. OH NO.

14.

I am so fucking. angry. at this stupid scene that I cannot. THINK. 

THERE GOES THE GIRLFRIEND INTO THE FREEZER. 

THANKS FOR RUINING THE PIECE OF MUSICAL GENIUS THAT IS THE THEME OF SOMNUS FOREVER.

15.

Mind fucking you, the whole damn nation is out to see this, and no one does a DAMN THING ABOUT IT.

16.

You’re telling me he had a loyal population of followers and not a single person thought that this was maybe a little bit unfair and decided to form an underground resistance? Oh wait, Big Evil Somnus probably stamped them out in the subsequent tyranny that the Great Nation of Lucis was founded upon. Of course.

---

And at the end of all this, not even the shitty gods know who the heck Izunia is.

This Prologue made me so angry, I spent my Sunday afternoon thinking about it, and I’m still not over it. As I told @lacertius, I feel betrayed. I’m a big Final Fantasy XV fan, and I was excited about Episode Ardyn. I was open-minded to meeting the man behind the enigmatic smile and the douchy fedora. I expected more from this, and I was let down. 

I’m angry because this is not the story I hoped for. This is artificial and lazy and it breaks my heart that this is the last hurrah for the game that we’ve all grown to love.

[achronologyofbits]

GOTY 2019

I wanted to write a personal Game of the Year list, but I realized I really didn’t play that many games that were new in 2019. So I’m ranking them, but it’s less a “top 10” and more a “10 games I played and how I felt about them.”  

10. Kingdom Hearts III

Kingdom Hearts III plays like a game from 2005.

I’m not sure I can fully articulate what I mean by that. Maybe I mean its combat is largely simplistic and button-mashy. Maybe I mean its rhythms of level traversal and cutscene exposition dumps are archaic and outdated. Maybe feeling like this game is a relic from another time is unavoidable, given how many years have passed since its first series entry.  

But there’s also something joyful and celebratory about it all — something kind of refreshing about a work that knows only a tiny portion of its players will understand all its references and lore and world-building, and just doesn’t care.

Despite all the mockery and memery surrounding its fiction, Kingdom Hearts’ strongest storytelling moments are actually pretty simple. They’re about the struggle to exist, to belong, and to define what those things mean for yourself. I think that’s why the series reaches the people it does.

Those moments make Kingdom Hearts III worth defending, if not worth recommending.

9. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice

Admittedly, I only played about 10-15 hours of this in 2019. Perhaps fittingly, that’s about the amount of time I originally spent on Dark Souls when it released in 2011. I bounced off, hard, because I didn’t understand what it was asking of me. Once I did — though, it has to be said, I needed other people to explain those expectations to me, because the game sure as hell didn’t — Dark Souls became an all-time favorite. And I’ve played every FromSoft game since then, and enjoyed them all. Until Sekiro.

Part of it is, again, down to expectation. Dark Souls trained its players on a certain style of combat: cautious movements, careful attention to spacing, committing to weighty attacks, waiting for counterattacks. In every game since then, FromSoft have iterated on those expectations in the same direction in an attempt to encourage players to be less cautious and more aggressive. The series moved from tank-heavy play in Dark Souls, to dual-wielding in DS2, to weapon arts and reworking poise in DS3, to the system of regaining health by attacking in Bloodborne.

In some ways, Sekiro is a natural continuation of this trend toward aggression, but in others, it’s a complete U-turn. Bloodborne eschewed blocking and prioritized dodging as the quickest, most effective defensive option. Sekiro does exactly the opposite. Blocking is always your first choice, parrying is essential instead of largely optional, and dodging is near useless except in special cases. FromSoft spent five games teaching me my habits, and it was just too hard for me to break them for Sekiro.

I have other issues, too — health/damage upgrades are gated behind boss fights, so grinding is pointless; the setting and story lack some of the creativity of the game’s predecessors; there’s no variety of builds or playstyles — but the FromSoft magic is still there, too. Nothing can match the feeling of beating a Souls-series boss. And the addition of a grappling hook makes the verticality of Sekiro’s level design fascinating.

I dunno. I feel like there’s more here I’d enjoy, if I ever manage to push through the barriers. Maybe — as I finally did with the first Dark Souls, over a year after its release — someday I will.

8. Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order

In December, my wife and I traveled to Newport Beach for a family wedding, and we stayed an extra day to visit Disneyland. As an early birthday present, Aubrey bought me the experience of building a lightsaber in Galaxy’s Edge. And the experience is definitely what you’re paying for; the lightsaber itself is cool, but it’s cool because it’s made from parts I selected, with a blade color I chose, and I got to riff and banter with in-character park employees while doing it. (“Can you actually read those?” one asked me in an awed voice, when I selected a lightsaber hilt portion adorned with ancient Jedi runes. “Not yet,” I told her. “We’ll see if the Force can teach me.”)

Maybe it’s because I just had that experience, but by far my favorite moment in Jedi: Fallen Order is when main character Cal Kestis overcomes his own fears and memories to forge his own lightsaber, using a kyber crystal that calls to him personally. It’s maybe the only part of the game that made me feel like a Jedi, in a way the hours of Souls-inspired lightsaber slashing didn’t.

I think that’s telling. And I think it’s because so much of Fallen Order is derivative of other works, both in the current canon of gaming and of Star Wars. That’s not to say it’s bad — the mélange of Uncharted/Tomb Raider traversal, combat that evokes Souls and God of War, and vaguely Metroid-y power acquisition and exploration mostly works — but it’s just a titch less than the sum of those parts.

Similarly, as a Star Wars story, it feels under-baked. There’s potential in exploring the period immediately after Order 66 and the Jedi purge, but you only see glimpses of that. And I understand the difficulty of telling a story where the characters succeed but in a way that doesn’t affect established canon, but it still seemed like there were a couple of missed opportunities at touching base with the larger Star Wars universe. (And the one big reference that does pop up at the end feels forced and unrealistic.)

When I got home from California, I took my lightsaber apart just to see how it all worked. Outside of the hushed tones and glowing lights of Savi’s Workshop, it seems a little less special. It’s still really cool…but I sort of wish I had had a wider variety of parts to choose from. And that I had bought some of the other crystal colors. Just in case.

That’s how I feel about Jedi: Fallen Order. I had fun with it. But it’s easier now to see the parts for what they are.

7. Untitled Goose Game

Aubrey and I first saw this game at PAX, at a booth which charmingly recreated the garden of the game’s first level. We were instantly smitten, and as I’ve introduced it to family and friends, they’ve all had the same reaction. When we visited my brother’s family in Florida over the holidays, my eight-year-old niece and nephew peppered me with questions about some of the more complex puzzles. Even my father, whose gaming experience basically topped out at NES Open Tournament Golf in 1991, gave it a shot.

I’m not sure I have a lot more to say here, other than a few bullet points:

1) I love that Untitled Goose Game is completely nonviolent. It would’ve been easy to add a “peck” option as another gameplay verb, another means of mischief. (And, from what I understand, it would be entirely appropriate, given the aggression of actual geese.) That the developers resisted this is refreshing.

2) I’m glad a game this size can have such a wide reach, and that it doesn’t have to be a platform exclusive.

3) Honk.

6. Tetris 99

Despite the number of hours I’ve spent playing games, and the variety of genres that time has spanned, I’m not much for competitive gaming. This is partially because the competitive aspect of my personality has waned with age, and partially because I am extremely bad at most multiplayer games.

The one exception to this is Tetris.

I am a Tetris GOD.

Of course, that’s an incredible overstatement. Now that I’ve seen real Ecstasy of Order, Grandmaster-level Tetris players, I realize how mediocre I am. But in my real, actual life, I have never found anyone near my skill level. In high school, I would bring two Game Boys, two copies of Tetris, and a link cable on long bus rides to marching band competitions, hoping to find willing challengers. The Game Boys themselves became very popular. Playing me did not.

Prior to Tetris 99, the only version of the game that gave me any shred of humility in a competitive sense was Tetris DS, where Japanese players I found online routinely handed me my ass. I held my own, too, but that was the first time in my life when I wasn’t light-years beyond any opponent.

As time passed and internet gaming and culture became more accessible, I soon realized I was nowhere near the true best Tetris players in the world. Which was okay by me. I’m happy to be a big fish in a small pond, in pretty much all aspects of my life.

Tetris 99 has given me a perfectly sized pond. I feel like I’m a favorite to win every round I play, and I usually finish in the top 10 or higher. But it’s also always a challenge, because there’s just enough metagame to navigate. Have I targeted the right enemies? Do I have enough badges to make my Tetrises hit harder? Can I stay below the radar for long enough? These aspects go beyond and combine with the fundamental piece-dropping in a way I absolutely love.

The one thing I haven’t done yet is win an Invictus match (a mode reserved only for those who have won a standard 99-player match). But it’s only a matter of time.  

5. Pokemon Sword/Shield

I don’t think I’ve played a Pokemon game through to completion since the originals. I always buy them, but I always seem to lose steam halfway through. But I finished Shield over the holidays, and I had a blast doing it.

Because I’m a mostly casual Pokeplayer, the decision to not include every ‘mon in series history didn’t bother me at all. I really enjoyed learning about new Pokemon and forcing myself to try moving away from my usual standards. (Although I did still use a Gyarados in my final team.)

As a fan of English soccer, the stadium-centric, British-flavored setting also contributed to my desire to see the game through. Changing into my uniform and walking onto a huge, grassy pitch, with tens of thousands of cheering fans looking on, really did give me a different feeling than battles in past games, which always seemed to be in weird, isolated settings.

I’m not sure I’ll push too far into the postgame; I’ve never felt the need to catch ‘em all. But I had a great time with the ones I caught.

4. The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

I have a strange relationship with the Zelda series, especially now. They are my wife’s favorite games of all time. But I don’t know if I’ve ever actually sat down and beaten one since the original Link’s Awakening. Even with Breath of the Wild, which I adore, I was content to watch Aubrey do the heavy lifting. I know the series well, I’ve played bits of all of them, but most haven’t stuck with me.

Link’s Awakening has. I wrote a piece once about its existential storytelling and how it affected me as a child. I love the way the graphics in this remake preserve that dreamlike quality. It’s pretty much a re-skin of the original game, but the cutesy, toy-set aesthetic pairs well with the heavy material. If this is all a dream, whose dream is it? And when we wake up, what happens to it?

Truthfully, some of the puzzles and design decisions haven’t held up super well. Despite the fresh coat of paint, it definitely feels like a 25-year-old game. But I’m so glad this version exists.

Oh, and that solo clarinet in the Mabe Village theme? *Chef’s kiss*

3. Control

I actually haven’t seen a lot of the influences Control wears on its sleeve. I’ve never gone completely through all the episodes of the X-Files, Fringe, and Twin Peaks; I’m only vaguely familiar with the series of “creepypasta” fiction called SCP Foundation; and I have never endeavored to sit through a broadcast of Coast to Coast AM. I’m also unfamiliar with Remedy’s best-known work in the genre, Alan Wake. But I know enough about all those works to be able to identify their inspiration on the Federal Bureau of Control, Jesse Faden, and the Oldest House.

Control is an interesting game to recommend (which I do), because I’m not sure how much I really enjoyed its combat. For most of the game, it’s a pretty standard third-person shooter. You can’t snap to cover, which indicates you’re intended to stay on the move. This becomes even more obvious when you gain the ability to air dash and fly. But you do need to use cover, because Jesse doesn’t have much health even at the end of the game. So combat encounters can get out of hand quickly, and there’s little incentive to keep fighting enemies in the late game. Yet they respawn at a frustratingly frequent rate. The game’s checkpointing system compounds this — you only respawn at “control points,” which act like Souls-style bonfires. This leads to some unfortunately tedious runbacks after boss fights.

On the other hand, Jesse’s telekinesis power always feels fantastic, and varying your attacks between gunshots, thrown objects, melee, and mind controlling enemies can be frenetic fun. That all comes to a head in the game’s combat (and perhaps aesthetic?) high point, the Ashtray Maze. To say more would be doing a disservice. It’s awesome.

The rest of the gameplay is awesome, too — and I do call it “gameplay,” though unfortunately you don’t have many options for affecting the world beyond violence. The act of exploring the Oldest House and scouring it for bureaucratic case files, audio recordings, and those unbelievably creepy “Threshold Kids” videos is pure joy. The way the case files are redacted leaves just enough to the imagination, and the idea of a federal facility being built on top of and absorbed into a sort of nexus of interdimensional weirdness is perfectly executed. And what’s up with that motel? And the alien, all-seeing, vaguely sinister Board? So cool.

With such great worldbuilding, I did wish for a little more player agency. There are no real dialogue choices — no way to imbue Jesse with any character traits beyond what’s pre-written for her — and only one ending. This kind of unchecked weird science is the perfect environment for forcing the player into difficult decisions (what do we study? How far is too far? How do we keep it all secret?), and that just isn’t part of the game at all. Which is fine — Control isn’t quite an immersive sim like Prey, and it’s not trying to be. I just see some similarities and potential, and I wish they had been explored a little.

But Control’s still a fantastic experience, and in any other year, it probably would’ve been my number one pick. That’s how good these next two games are.

2. Outer Wilds

Honestly, this is the best game of 2019. But I’m not listing it as number one because I didn’t play most of it — Aubrey did. Usually we play everything together; even if we’re not passing a controller back and forth, one of us will watch while the other one plays. And that definitely happened for a large chunk of Outer Wilds. But Aubrey did make some key discoveries while I was otherwise occupied, so while I think it’s probably the best game, it’s not the one I personally spent the most time with.

The time I did spend, though? Wow. From the moment you wake up at the campfire and set off in search of your spaceship launch codes, it’s clear that this is a game that revels in discovery. Discovery for its own sake, for the furthering of knowledge, for the protection of others, for the sheer fun of it. Some games actively discourage players from asking the question, “Hey, what’s that over there?” Outer Wilds begs you to ask it, and then rewards you not with treasure or statistical growth, but with the opportunity to ask again, about something even more wondrous and significant.

There are so many memorable moments of discovery in this game. The discovery that, hey, does that sun look redder to you than it used to? The discovery that, whoa, why did I wake up where I started after seemingly dying in space? Your first trip through a black hole. Your first trip to the quantum moon. Your first trip to the weird, bigger-on-the-inside fog-filled heart of a certain dark, brambly place. (Aubrey won’t forget that any time soon.)

They take effort, those moments. They do have to be earned, and it isn’t easy. Your spaceship flies like it looks: sketchy, taped together, powered by ingenuity and, like, marshmallows, probably. Some of the leaps you have to make — both of intuition and of jetpack — are a little too far. (We weren’t too proud to look up a couple hints when we were truly stuck.) But in the tradition of the best adventure games (which is what this is, at heart), you have everything you need right from the beginning. All you have to do is gather the knowledge to understand it and put it into action.

And beyond those moments of logical and graphical discovery, there’s real emotion and pathos, too. As you explore the remnants of the lost civilization that preceded yours, your only method of communication is reading their writing. And as you do, you start to get a picture of them not just as individuals (who fight, flirt, and work together to help each other), but as a species whose boundless thirst for discovery was their greatest asset, highest priority, undoing, and salvation, all at once.

I don’t think I can say much more without delving into spoilers, or retreading ground others have covered. (Go read Austin Walker’s beautiful and insightful review for more.) It’s an incredible game, and one everyone with even a passing interest in the medium should try.

(Last thing: Yes, I manually flew to the Sun Station and got inside. No, I don’t recommend it.)

1. Fire Emblem: Three Houses

If I hadn’t just started a replay of this game, I don’t think I’d be listing it in the number one slot. I started a replay because I showed it to my brother when we visited him in Florida last month, and immediately, all the old feelings came flooding back. I needed another hit.

No game this year has been as compelling for me. That’s an overused word in entertainment criticism, but I mean it literally: There have been nights where I absolutely HAVE to keep playing (much to Aubrey’s dismay). One more week of in-game time. One more study session to raise a skill rank. One more meal together so I can recruit another student. One more battle. Just a little longer.

I’m not sure I can put my finger on the source of that compulsion. Part of it is the excellence of craftsmanship on display; if any technical or creative aspect of Three Houses was less polished than it is, I probably wouldn’t feel so drawn to it. But the two big answers, I think, are the characters and their growth, both mechanically and narratively.

At the start of the game, you pick one of the titular three houses to oversee as professor. While this choice defines who you’ll have in your starting party, that can be mitigated later, as almost every other student from the other two houses can be recruited to join yours. What you’re really choosing is which perspective you’ll see the events of the story from, and through whose eyes: Edelgard of the Black Eagles, Dimitri of the Blue Lions, or Claude of the Golden Deer. (This is also why the game almost demands at least three playthroughs.)

These three narratives are deftly written so you simultaneously feel like you made the only possible canonical choice, while also sowing questions into your decision-making. Edelgard’s furious desire for change is just but perhaps not justifiable; Dimitri hides an obsession with revenge behind a façade of noblesse oblige; Claude is more conniving and pragmatic than he lets on. No matter who you side with, you’ll eventually have to face the others. And everyone can make a case that they, not you, are on the right side.

This is especially effective because almost every character in Three Houses is dealing with a legacy of war and violence. A big theme of the game’s story is how those experiences inform and influence the actions of the victims. What steps are justified to counteract such suffering? How do you break the cycle if you can’t break the power structures that perpetuate it? How do good people end up fighting for bad causes?

While you and your child soldiers (yeah, you do kind of have to just skip over that part; they’re in their late teens, at least? Still not good enough, but could be worse?) are grappling with these questions, they’re also growing in combat strength, at your direction. This is the part that really grabbed me and my lizard brain — watching those numbers get bigger was unbelievably gratifying. Each character class has certain skill requirement prerequisites, and as professor, you get to define how your students meet those requirements, and which they focus on. Each student has certain innate skills, but they also have hidden interests that only come to the surface with guidance. A character who seems a shoo-in to serve as a white mage might secretly make an incredibly effective knight; someone who seems destined for a life as a swordsman suddenly shows a talent for black magic. You can lean into their predilections, or go against them, with almost equal efficacy.

For me, this was the best part of Three Houses, and the part that kept me up long after my wife had gone to bed. Planning a student’s final battle role takes far-seeing planning and preparation, and each step along the way felt thrilling. How can you not forge a connection with characters you’ve taken such pains to help along the way? How can you not explode with joy when they reach their goals?

That’s the real draw of Fire Emblem: Three Houses, I think: the joy of seeing people you care about grow, while simultaneously confronting those you once cared about, but who followed another path. No wonder I wanted to start another playthrough. I think I’ll be starting them all over again for a long time.

[aleenya]

first date / / hinanami prompt 01

@hinanami-week

First date prompt! <3 I love these babies from my childhood skghj. This is a bit of a long rambling mess but I hope someone finds enjoyment in it!

There was a reason Chiaki failed at dating sims. Beyond the obvious fact of how she was a girl of very little romantic experience, there was also the dilemma of just how frustratingly confusing people could be. Yes, even the weird 2D ones. Whilst the fast pace of arcade fighting games or the tricky logic riddles of puzzle games had her barely breaking out in a sweat, there was something profoundly next-level about taking someone's future - their happily ever after, so to speak - into her own hands and bringing about the optimal result. It was a responsibility she couldn't be trusted with. Kind of like how she couldn't be responsible for her own breakfast in the morning. Or for a healthy sleeping schedule. Oops. So, it was rather ironic that she'd somehow ended up with a boyfriend, even with her notoriously bad track record at breaking hearts and peeping on girls in the bathroom. (Hey, anime always did it, how was she supposed to know that was an automatic hit to the relationship flag she was trying to trigger?) With how constantly she failed at first dates in video games, the dreaded real-life first date of her own seemed like a loss just waiting to happen. Which was why, the week before it was due to occur, she'd holed herself up in her room with nothing but her trusty DS and PSP, five dating sims of various length and quality, and a copy of Animal Crossing - for when she inevitably needed a break, of course. The plan was this: she'd pour hours, hours, into clocking all five dating sims at nothing less than a 100% completion rate. No guides because that was cheating, and it wasn't like there was some walkthrough for her own date that she could keep checking throughout, though that would be ideal. Even if slightly under-handed. Oh well. She was snuggled up in the thick fluff of her weighted blanket; a bag of crumpled chips and five soda cans perched precariously on a pillow; she was ready for anything the next grueling week might throw at her. With the determination that only a true Ultimate Gamer could possess, Chiaki puffed out her cheeks in defiance of fate and set about her quest. Day one was easy enough. She'd managed to get around six hours into her first play-through with minimal errors. It was only once she'd chosen a girl to "seduce" (these games really were weird) that problems started to arise. Multiple choice questions of the proper conversational avenue to travel down never failed to muddle up her brain. Three choices were hard enough - how was she going to cope on her own date when there would be an endless array to choose from? The very thought sent anxiety swirling into the pit of her stomach. Maybe this was a good time to take that Animal Crossing break. The Animal Crossing break lasted two days. Day four was when Chiaki got serious again - and also when a pesky knock on the door interrupted her intense train of thought. "Come in," she called without taking her eyes off the screen. Yellow light pooled in from the hallway and cut through the stale darkness of her room. If Chiaki had been a vampire like the one she was trying to chat up in her visual novel then maybe she would've hissed and retreated further into her blanket cove. Which she did. Maybe she really was a vampire. That would explain the anemia. "Ugh. It reeks." A familiarly squeaky voice shattered the comfortable silence Chiaki had worked so hard on establishing. Saionji strode in pinching the bridge of her nose with Sonia and Akane at her tail. "Congrats, you've officially become a basement dweller." Chiaki peeked out from her cave of blankets, drawn like a moth to flame by the wafting scent of fresh food. "Oh. Hey guys. Long time no see." "We brought food," Sonia said with a lift of her arm to reveal the picnic basket dangling there. "We figured you might appreciate something of more ... sustenance." Akane then switched on the light, which summoned stars to glitter and dance within Chiaki's vision. All three girls let out audible gasps. "Chips? Seriously?" Akane again. Chiaki had burrowed deeper into her blanket fort in order to grant her throbbing eyes some small amount of reprieve. "Chiaki, you seriously can't have been living on cola and a bag of potato chips for the past four days!" Suddenly, the blanket was whipped out from over her head. Hiyoko plucked the console out of her hands before a very sleep-deprived Chiaki had a chance to react. "My Vampire Girlfriend? Okay, I was joking before, but you really have become a virgin basement dweller." Chiaki pointedly decided to ignore the mischievous young girl and directed her attention onto the basket that Sonia placed in front of her. Opening it up, she was greeted by a bento box ripe with fresh sushi, fluffy rice and spring rolls. "Courtesy of Hanamura," said Akane, "but don't worry, I can guarantee it's not spiked this time." Saionji huffed and dropped the DS. Chiaki was tired, but not tired enough to fail at catching her baby mid-air. "What's that look for?" "Don't act like you don't know!" They were a pleasant, albeit distracting, surprise. And so, for the rest of the day, Chiaki found herself unwillingly placed on a side quest. Sonia, Akane and Hiyoko had taken it upon themselves to clean her room up, with the latter grumbling and complaining but ultimately putting in the most work out of everyone. Sonia ended up at Chiaki's side, badgering her with questions about what game she was playing and, when Chiaki answered, why. "A practice run," said Chiaki simply, barely reacting as an empty cola can bounced off her head. "Sorry," Akane called sheepishly, "that was meant for the rubbish bin." "A practice run ...? Oh!" Sonia's face lit up. "Don't tell me! Do you have a date?" "Maybe. Tomorrow." Saying it out loud, the passage of time sunk into Chiaki with a force she hadn't expected. In a rare show of defeat, she allowed the DS to slip from her hands and topple to the floor. "But it's no use. I haven't learned anything. What am I even supposed to do?" Sonia picked up her DS, glanced at the screen, then dropped it in a striking flash of surprise. "I'm guessing not that," she said. Hiyoko peeked over her shoulder. "Aw man, even pixelated you can tell it's small." "Give me that!" Akane snatched up the console and showed the screen to Chiaki. "Seriously, this is like the worst guide you could have for this. It's not gonna teach you anything because it's not real." "That's not true," Chiaki quietly countered, "just because games aren't real doesn't mean they can't teach stuff." "Maybe, yeah, but not this type of game. You want advice? Then here's the best I can offer. Just be yourself!" "Myself?" Chiaki tilted her head. "But ... what if he doesn't like myself?" "Oh for the love of - he wouldn't be going on a date with you if he didn't, numbnuts!" Hiyoko gently thumped her fist down on Chiaki's unruly mop of hair. "That's true," Sonia said, "besides, who wouldn't like you for who you are? We certainly do!" When the trio had finally left with good luck wishes and pleas that she at least eat half the bento tonight, Chiaki found herself alone in a spotless room with a less-than spotless mind. They'd given her a lot to think about, more than the dating sim had in three days in fact. Just be myself. She didn't sleep that night. Chiaki kept powering through her dating sim, the four others still lying in a dejected heap at her side. Even if she wasn't taking strict lessons from it anymore, the idea of giving up and never completing it felt like a cardinal sin. She'd come this far; what was another twenty hours of gameplay in the grand scheme of things? On the dawn of the fifth day, there was another knock on her door. When they didn't come in upon her calling out that it was alright to, Chiaki was forced to untangle herself from her nest and answer it. Even though it was to be expected, the very image of Hajime standing in her doorway sent a jolt to her heart. "Ah, sorry." He threw up his hands in an apology, perhaps thinking he'd woken her up from a nap. Chiaki wasn't one to lose her cool. This definitely stood true now, but still, she couldn't help flushing slightly. She'd been so engrossed in her game that she'd nearly forgotten all about what she'd spent all week preparing for in the first place. "You don't have to apologize," she murmured, turning her back on him and retreating into the familiar darkness, "come in. You're very welcome." Hajime seemed a tad nervous as he slowly slipped his way inside. "What's wrong? Have you never been in a girl's room before?" It was supposed to be a joke, but it provoked a flustered reaction from Hajime and a stream of fumbled failed sentences. "Kidding." Chiaki flopped back into her blanket nest and patted at the crumpled spot at her side. Glancing side to side, Hajime made his way to where she'd made herself comfortable and collapsed in turn. "I've been worried about you," he began as he pulled at the cuff of his shirt. "You haven't replied to any of my texts. You've been eating, right?" "Sorry." He'd sent texts? Chiaki hadn't looked at her phone since the start of the week. "I've been really busy practicing." "Practicing? For what?" "For today." She showed Hajime her screen. He recoiled. "Oh ... I didn't realize you were into those kinds of games, Chiaki." "I'm not," she replied, shoulders slumping and a sigh floating off her lips, "can you keep a secret, Hajime?" With how serious she said it, Hajime's expression turned grave. "Sure, I guess?" Chiaki threw him the most serious look she could muster, complete with her cheeks puffed out in a pout and eyebrows furrowed tightly into creases. Her hands unconsciously squeezed at the console she still held. "Dating sims are my kryptonite." "Oh ... Dating sims are your - wait, what?" "I'm really bad at them," Chiaki said. She was unable to keep a tinge of sadness from her voice. "Not that I usually mind. But ever since last week, when you said you wanted us to go out somewhere, I thought that I should be prepared. It's no use though. I guess, on the bright side, I did make it to the H scene." She flashed her screen again, to which Hajime, with a sheepish smile, pushed it back down. "How about we don't take advice from porn games, yeah? They're not exactly the real deal." "Huh. Akane said the same thing." "She did?" "She said I should just be myself. But I don't know if myself is all that much fun to be around." "Why wouldn't it be?" Hajime scooted closer. "If I wanted a 2D girl, I'd just play ..." He picked up one of her strewn dating sims at random and pulled a face at the title, "Sexy Magic Witch School - seriously, Chiaki, where do you get these?" "I have my sources." "I'm not sure if I want to know what those are ..." Chiaki had to admit, with how natural their conversation was flowing, she could get used to this. She hadn't even hit her pause button yet. Unable to keep the smile from her face, Chiaki turned back to her DS and asked, "so what would you like to do?" "As in?" "You know. Dating. That kind of stuff. We're supposed to go out, yeah?" "We're not supposed to do anything," Hajime replied. "Really, I'm ... as good at these types of things as you are. But we don't have to go anywhere if you don't want, or do anything that you don't want. That's not what dates are about." "They aren't?" Why did everything have to be so complicated? Her dating sims had explicitly said otherwise, yet Hajime was saying they didn't have to do anything. Before she could formulate a proper response, Hajime changed the topic unexpectedly and asked, "have you slept?" Oh. Sleep. "I've had one or two naps," she mused, thinking back on her five days of intensive training. She'd been so caught up and involved in what she was playing that she'd barely allowed herself the luxury of sleep. She was definitely starting to feel it now. Chiaki rubbed at her sore eyes and swallowed a yawn. Hajime's flustered expression gave way to amusement. He sighed, but Chiaki didn't miss the smile on his lips. "Seriously, what am I going to do with you?" "Hopefully not this." She flashed her DS screen again and Hajime spluttered in embarrassment. "I like you, Hajime, but you haven't triggered that relationship flag yet." "You know that's not what I meant!" She laughed. Hajime climbed to his feet and extended his hand; she took it, stumbling upwards on wobbly knees and feeling the ache in her legs that could only accumulate from five days of non-stop sitting with only the occasional bathroom break. "But is it really okay?" she asked as he guided her to the bed and tossed her blanket back over her body. "I know you were really looking forward to this all week." "Who's to say this isn't our first date now?" said Hajime. "Ah, but, if you'd rather I go ..." She grasped his hand and tugged him down onto the bed. Hajime let out a less than manly squeal and fell down on top of her, which Chiaki recalled was a very common trope in My Vampire Girlfriend that signaled she was on the right romantic route. So she'd done something right after all! This was definitely a romance flag trigger. Chiaki could almost see the achievement popping up on Steam. "Path unlocked," Chiaki said cryptically, with a teasing smile. Hajime scrambled off, face red, and Chiaki twisted around onto her side. "You can sleep next to me, if you'd like," she said. "I can't think of a better way to have a date." Though visibly embarrassed and tense, he did lie down to face her. Chiaki grabbed his hand and intertwined her fingers with his own. "Jeez," he said, "why am I not surprised that napping is your idea of a perfect first date?" "It's not yours?" she quizzed, voice thick with the encroaching haze of unconsciousness. "I'm not opposed," he hummed. "Good." Pause. Save progress. And take a screenshot - just for good measure. At least, that's what Chiaki would have done if this were a dating sim event with a cute CG. But it wasn't. And that was for the best. Chiaki had decided that in this case, nothing could beat the real thing.

[humansacrificialadvisor]

A better year for you

“Hello everyone.” Greg was the first to enter the flat. “Greg!” John smiled at him. “I thought you won’t be back!” “Mycroft promised to be here so…we are here.” Mycroft was hiding behind Greg. “Mycroft, come on in, come on in!” he smiled and took their coats. “Dr. Watson already had a few drinks.” he whispered to his ears. “You stay away from it, me too.” “How am I supposed to get through it sober?” he huffed. “Just like me.” Greg chuckle. “Brother mine!” Sherlock walked up to them. “Sherlock, I hope they are not coming.” he whispered to him looking around franticly. “Mother wouldn’t miss her book club’s party.” “Of course.” he sighed relieved. “Where did you find Lestrade? He was supposed to hide in the country side.” “Sherlock…” Mycroft reached for Greg’s hand. “I see, I see, hiding together.” he looked at them strangely. “Pardon me…” he went to greet Molly. Mycroft looked at Greg questioningly. “What were you expecting?” “Not this…him denying it…acting like a child…saying that it won’t happen, that he don’t want to know about it…I know, I know.” “What?” Greg smiled stepping closer to him, wrapping his arm around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. “That he changed too.” “He is your brother, who loves you. He wouldn’t dare to say anything bad at the person you chose to be with.” “He did before.” “Must had a reason for it.” “To get me out of an unhealthy relationship.” “So that means I’m an acceptable candidate. Relieved.” “More than that.” he wrapped his arms around Greg’s. “What can be expected tonight?” he rocked themselves. “Dinner, talking, games…maybe you can play something.” “Why? “Just interested, heard Sherlock before.” “I prefer the piano.” “I know, but there is only a violin here, you do play that too if I remember well.” “We’ll see.” “Oh…why is she here?” Greg tensed up. “Who?” Mycroft looked towards the door. “Oh…” he tried to step away from Greg, but he didn’t let him. “I’m not going to pretend the whole night My.” “But they’ll gossip and...and…” “I can deal with it. When my wife was cheating on me the office knew it before me…you can imagine what I got. You don’t have to worry, I can take care of myself.” he chuckled. “Hello Sally.” “I thought you were off…” “I am.” “I see.” she smiled winking at him. “Well off. Could we talk for a second?” she tilted her head towards the stairs. “You can say anything in front of Mycroft.” “I…” she forced a smile on her face. “Make your comment DS Donovan.” Mycroft pushed his lips to a thin line. “I just…I shouldn’t make assumptions without knowing you.” she mumbled awkwardly. “I go and greet the others.” she left them. “That is the cleverest thing I heard from her.” Greg mumbled to Mycroft’s ear making him chuckle. “See? They will question your sanity.” “I’m perfectly sane…and they just have to shut up and deal with it. Because you belong to me now.” he kissed his neck. “It doesn’t matter what they think or say.” “No?” “Nope My.” Mycroft turned his head looking at Greg with shining eyes. “Come on everyone, dinner!” Sherlock announced at that point. “My, My, My, My!” an excited Rosamund toddled towards them. “Princess Rosamund.” he picked her up turning her around. “Someone is really popular tonight.” Greg chuckled. “You look really nice with her.” “Thank you.” “Ever wanted one?” “You know the answer already.” he hugged her tightly, humming a song. “Let’s have dinner darling.” “My!” she chuckled. “Gegg!” “Coming princess.” he followed them.

“Hello stranger.” Greg found Mycroft sitting on the stairs. “I…kind of had enough, but wouldn’t want to leave before midnight...also you have fun so didn’t want to take you away.” “I figured.” Mycroft leaned to him. “What do you say we wait for midnight and then go home?” “Good. What did you talk about with Sherlock?” “Just a little brotherly warning. He sees how happy you are…and told me not to break your heart.” “What if I break it?” “Yours?” Mycroft nodded. “I won’t let you.” he wrapped an arm around his waist. “So he thinks I’m happy?” “He said he hasn’t seen you laugh and smile in years.” “Was I?” “Yes.” “Didn’t realise it.” “Good.” he kissed his temple. “How long to go?” “A few minutes.” Greg checked his watch. “Should we go back?” “If you want to.” he shrugged. “Nope.” Greg chuckled. “Any New Year’s resolutions?” “Maybe…not saying it out loudly.” “Sure.” “You?” “Not saying.” he chuckled. “Scared?” “Of what?” “The New Year.” “Why would I?” he frowned “It is new, you always have reservations about new things.” “But I’m not alone this time.” “Of course not My.” Greg cupped his face and kissed him when the bell stroke midnight. “Of course not.” he whispered when they parted. “There you are, thought you left!” Sherlock strolled out to the stairs. “We are planning to if you don’t mind.” “Sure. Mycroft could I talk to you for a second?” “I get the coats.” Greg got up, so Sherlock took his place. “So Lestrade.” “Yes, Gregory.” “Good choice.” “You truly say that?” “I do.” “Sherlock…might I ask something?” “Sure.” “Don’t think of it as…I’m getting sentimental or old…but…I…” he sighed rubbing his eyes. “What is it?” “Maybe…I wouldn’t mind if you…if you’d…I don’t want to tell you what to do just asking if you are willing to…maybe…” “Why can’t you just say it?” “Not easy.” “What is it?” “Gregory suggested that…” he sighed. “Fine; I just want to enquire if you’d want to spend more time with me maybe.” he whispered quickly. “Sure.” “That easy?” “Yes.” he shrugged. “You always told me to keep away. So I did.” “Okay.” he mumbled, Sherlock pulled him to a hug. “Take care brother mine and a better year for you.” Greg joined them. “Look after Greg.” he whispered before he got up patting his back. “Remember what I told you Graham.” “I remember.” he chuckled and helped the coat on Mycroft. “I can’t believe he is still doing it.” “Got used to it.” Greg chuckled. “You never know what you get. Happy New Year love.” he kissed him again. “To you too Gregory.” he laced their arms. “I think it will be a particularly happy one.” he chuckled. “I certainly hope so.” Mycroft leaned to his shoulder.

[rosencrantzsguildenstern]

NPC- A Deltarune Fanfic

Chapter One-

Kris was shaking, shaking all over, and they couldn’t stop themselves. No one noticed. No one cared. They had a knife. They had whatever it was that possessed them in a cage. They could take their life back. Right there, right now. 

The SOUL was quiet. Everything was quiet. It was a SOUL, Kris thought. They didn’t know how they knew this. It didn’t look anything like a monster’s SOUL. When did I see a monster’s SOUL?

Kris ran their finger along the knife. It cut, but Kris couldn’t really feel it. Dying so many times must have built up a sort of pain tolerance. 

Had the SOUL died too? Kris didn’t know. That would make it worth it, knowing the SOUL would experience the pain. No. No, it wouldn’t make it worth it. It would never be worth it. No matter how much I hurt the SOUL, it will never be as much pain as it deserves.

No one noticed. No one cared. Kris had woken up in the morning. They’d heard a heartbeat. The first thing they’d ever heard. Kris has tried to cover their ears and drown it out. It was too loud. Kris was used to silence. 

Kris couldn’t move their hands. And even if they had covered their ears, blotted out all the unfamiliar sound, the heartbeat would still be there. Kris didn’t know how they knew that.

The heartbeat had taken Kris around the room. Kris had looked at their things. No- the SOUL had looked at their things. Get out of my room, Kris had wanted to shout, or sign, or something. Get out of my head, Kris had also wanted to say. They thought it as hard as they could. They still couldn’t move their hands. They couldn’t control themselves.

The heartbeat got louder the more Kris tried to resist. Like it was saying, don’t fight back. Don’t fight back, or I’ll control you more. Don’t fight back, or you’ll be punished. Your choices don’t matter. Dammit, Kris knew their choices didn’t matter. They’d been told that since they didn’t know how long. And now they literally didn’t. The heartbeat had been beating in their ears, too loud for a person who’d been deaf all their life.

And no one had noticed. They should’ve. The SOUL was different from Kris. It made different choices. Kris clenched their fists. But no one noticed. I should’ve known. No one listened well enough to know me anyway. 

Everyone was awkward around Kris. Alphys had made the whole class learn sign language, but most kids didn’t find it worth enough to actually pay attention to what Kris said. Quiet people piss me off, Susie had said. Everyone had said. But Kris wasn’t quiet. If they could shout at everyone, they would. If they could get people to just fucking listen— 

Kris could never make anyone listen. Even with a voice. The SOUL wasn’t deaf. It had spoken, right in Kris’ ear. Mostly it had called them Kris. Sometimes it had called them vessel. Kris had hated that. Kris had hated everything about hearing the SOUL speak. Sometimes it had called Kris he, and that was almost worse.

The SOUL was quiet, actually quiet. It almost never forced Kris to sign, or speak. (The SOUL could make Kris speak, and that was as bad as hearing.) It just went along, expecting everyone to follow. And they did. Kris had been the leader. They didn’t know how that had happened.

Everyone had told the SOUL their choices didn’t matter. But the SOUL hadn’t seemed to take the hint. (But then, on the other hand, the SOUL had told Kris their choices didn’t matter, and Kris hadn’t just accepted it either. They’d fought, and they’d fought, and finally they could tone out the heartbeat, make it background noise, and then not exist, and then they could take the heart out of their chest and be finally, finally free.)

In the present, Kris stood up. My choices don’t matter, huh? Well guess what. THEY FUCKING MATTER NOW.

Kris brought the knife to the SOUL. And then stopped. Because with the knife touching, they could hear the SOUL again. If you kill me, I’ll just respawn. I’m the one who’s been bringing you back, you know. It’s a video game, and one this long would be terrible without checkpoints.

“A video game?” Kris signed. The SOUL didn’t respond. So Kris thought it. What are you talking about? 

The SOUL started to laugh. Right, you’re an NPC now. You’re oblivious. And I shouldn’t tell you, should I? That’d be way too meta. Well, Toby Fox probably hasn’t coded a response for things like that.

Kris gritted their teeth and pushed the knife further in. “Tell me, or I’ll kill you.”

Ooo, violent, the SOUL taunted. Try me.

Kris stabbed. And felt the mood change. The knife turned white. Oh no. Oh shit no.

It was just another battle. And Kris couldn’t ACT. There weren’t options in front of them. They just had to stab and hope. And they couldn’t even kill the SOUL. 

Vibrating, electro music was playing. Kris could still hear, touching the SOUL.

Kris approaches! said a voice Kris wasn’t supposed to hear. The SOUL tapped the keys. Keys? Like on a computer? The SOUL had said it was all a video game... 

There were no computers Kris could see, though. 

The SOUL chose to ACT. I’m just another enemy, Kris realized. The SOUL will ACT, and ACT, and then SPARE me, and I’ll say a pointless blurb, or just disappear. And maybe come back later and praise their benevolence in not killing me.

You push Kris’ hair out of his eyes. His eyes are red, and surprising pretty.

Kris felt their hair move up and tuck behind their ears. It’s they, asshole. 

Kris changes the game from their outrage about correct pronouns!

The SOUL was confused. “This is like the Story Thieves books,” it mused. “Well, I like those books, so this should be fun.”

Kris tried to stab the SOUL, trying not to think about how that just followed standard enemy procedure. It dodged. Of course.

The SOUL ACTed again.

You apologize to Kris for possessing them.

Huh? The SOUL is finally taking some responsibility for their actions? No. They don’t mean it.

Smells like skepticism.

Well, that’s stupid, Kris thought. What even are those blurbs? They lunged, attacking the heart. This time it hit. A little thing appeared over the heart, then disappeared. -20.

You tell Kris their eyes are beautiful. Kris blushes.

What? No I don’t! Against Kris’ will, their face flamed. God, it’s like being possessed all over again. I want to leave. I want to get out of this. I want to be in charge of my own fucking life.

Kris is trying to run away. Why, you’re not sure.

The SOUL chose to SPARE. Kris looked down at their name and realized it was yellow. No. No. I won’t be just another enemy.

Kris has refused to be SPAREd. The plot thickens!

“The heck?” the SOUL thought. Or said. One of those. “Well, I should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy. But if Kris wants to run away...”

Kris grabbed the birdcage and shook it, driving the knife through. I don’t want to get out of this if you’re the one who saves me, you fuckshit. Another -20. Another ACT. 

You attempt to talk to Kris. Kris is not in the mood for talking. 

That was true, but Kris still felt almost as angry at the voice as they did at the SOUL. They guessed the voice didn’t count sign language as talking, anyway. 

Kris stabbed again. It was the only thing they could do. They had all the items, and they couldn’t use them. The only good thing about that was the SOUL had no items either. But the SOUL could, if they wanted, ACT or DEFEND or FIGHT. Kris could only FIGHT, and keep FIGHTing, and then die. Or be SPAREd. Ever since they’d woken up that morning, they’d had no control over their life.

Be real. When did I ever have control over my life? Kris had never had this little control, though. Whoever’s talking in bold cared about my pronouns. That’s something. Kris grinned inwardly. Nonbinary pride, right, voice? There was no response, but Kris hadn’t expected one.

The SOUL chose to fight. 

Kris winces in pain.

Instantly Kris doubled over. Fuck. Fuck this voice. -50. What? No, that’s not fair. My attack did twenty damage. 

They realize they can’t last that long, if they still have their normal health. What was it? Ninety. Ninety, that was it. One more attack... and Kris would just be another enemy, defeated.

They try to go, turn on their heel and turn it so they’re in control, they could do it once why couldn’t they do it again, break free-

There was no heartbeat Kris could tune out. The voice in their head was themselves, a image of themselves, signing, like normal. There was the SOUL’s thoughts, but those were signing too, a hand in shadow that was less Kris reading it and more an inward feeling of the thoughts. There wasn’t the same feeling at all- but Kris still wasn’t in charge of themselves, in battle.

I’d even get SPARED now. Except then- would it mean getting possessed again? That’d be worse, a million times worse. But winning would mean getting possessed, too, because the SOUL would just come back. And dying-

Kris put their hand instinctively over their chest. There’s no winning. Not ever.

The SOUL chose to SPARE. My name must be yellow again. It’s yellow every time I want to escape. Maybe that’s the voice’s way of punishing me, like the SOUL would hurt me with sound.

You won!

Kris felt themselves fading. Shit.

Got 0 XP and 0 DS.

“That was... it?” the SOUL asked. The shadowed hand was blurring, and the last thing Kris saw was the SOUL floating out of the birdcage, towards their chest. No no no no NO-

The world went black.

[wariofranchisefanblog]

A little delayed, due to my awkward vacation timing, but I have been playing WarioWare Gold a ton since coming home, so it's time for an impressions post.

Just gonna say right off the bat that I will be talking about the final stage and while spoilers really aren't a big deal in WarioWare, I do think that the stage is much cooler if you don't know anything about it, beforehand.

Let's go by bullet points, for the sake of organization:

Story

At it's core the individual characters' stories are still simple, but fun affairs, however I do think that the voice acting does a lot to add a ton of energy and personality to it, with the characters being more lively then ever and able to express more, well...character then ever before, I mean who in the world saw 18-Volt's story being so rap-tastic coming? I also enjoy how the remix stages actually have the characters get together and interact a bit, that's something I always wanted to see and here it is.

Amazingly enough the main story is actually a little more developed this time around, with Wario becoming increasingly more agitated by the player progressing in the Wario Bowl. This reaches it's peak during the Wario Deluxe stage, when Wario actively opposes the player and the entire presentation of the stage is not only surprisingly climactic, but it really does give you the impression that you are fighting against someone, especially when Wario starts to take away your ability to know which controls to use for the next microgame, only for Lulu to come in and go against him. Story progression mid-stage, a first for WarioWare.

I did not expect it, but Gold really did go further to do more with the Ware cast and world, which is something I greatly appreciate and I think the team behind WWGold knew what they were doing, when considering the sheer amount of positive buzz that the cutscenes, voice acting and general presentation are generating online.

Visuals

The new designs are understandably divisive and I did raise an eyebrow myself once or twice (looking at you, Dr. Crygor), but honestly, the new style as a whole, along with the designs I used to be iffy on, have grown on me while playing the game, I just appreciate that Ware is getting more of it's own visual identity again, instead of it just copying Rhythm Heaven's artstyle (which I do enjoy, I should clarify), like Game & Wario did.

The microgames themselves naturally got a lot of graphical updates, some more major then others, but it is the usual zany WarioWare fare and in some cases the visual changes can help to make a returning game feel just a touch more different.

One downside to the visuals is that the added production values in the form of full voice acting make the very flash-esque nature of the cutscene animations a lot more appearent. It's not a huge deal, since WarioWare has always been simplistic in it's animation style (though it did start to look surprisingly nice in Game & Wario) and in a way that's part of the charm, but it can be distracting at times and it's really blatant when a character just has their base artwork plastered into a scene, rather then a unique drawing.

Music

The game is full with catchy beats as always and I was bobbing my head along a lot while playing, but I want to adress two particular highlights:

-First are the unlockable records, which include all previous vocal themes, but not in their in-game versions, but rather their uncompressed original forms! Sure the instrumentations for several of the tracks are a bit simplistic, but clearer sound quality is really nice, even if I liked the original GBA/DS versions all the same.

-The Final Stage theme, which adds to the surprisingly climactic nature of it all, especially since it is essentially a dark reprise of Gold's main theme:

Voice Acting

A major addition to the game and there were bound to be a lot of voice changes, so this is where opinions are going to split a lot, but I found the acting quality as a whole to be a pleasent surprise. Nobody sounds bad, I got used to the voice changes rather quickly, the voices fit the characters, with Ashley and 18-Volt being particularly perfectly cast and Charles Martinet continues to be brilliant as Wario, to the surprise of nobody ever.

Gameplay

It's WarioWare, but for the first time since Smooth Moves it's a new title where control is really the only major gimmick to the game, which is nice to have again. We get four stage dedicated to the Mash, Tilt and Touch controls, two remix stages  and Wario Deluxe, which mix those, along with Fronk microgames and Mic games, several Challenge modes and missions.

The Fronk and Mic games have a more downplayed presence then I expected, especially the Mic games, which there's only 5 of, along with a few Wario Deluxe games that also involve the mic and I honestly think that's alright, I didn't mind the Mic games in Touched as many others did, but the control scheme makes many of the games feel very alike in how you play, so it's not really suitable for a whole stage in my opinion.

The basic gameplay is classic WarioWare, without any major tweaks to the formula, though some stages will have you switch between the different control schemes, which thankfully works better then I initially worried it would, with the transition being pretty smooth and giving you time to adjust, without breaking the pace.

The microgames are an interesting case, most are returning ones, but a number of them have seen some tweaks to make them feel a little more fresh, such as Smooth Moves' games being repurposed to work with Tilt or Touch controls or how Loot Scoot from the first game is now a boss game or how some games while largely the same have slightly altered objectives, such as the Mario Clash microgame requiring you to hit an enemy twice, on Level 3. With that said, even with those changes the feeling of familiarity with the old games is still quite appearent, the combination of new visuals, gameplay tweaks, new games in between and having them all mixed together does a good job of not presenting the game like a rehash, but rather a ''best off'', but if learning and memorizing whole sets of brand new microgames was one of you favorite parts in previous games, then this one won't deliver as well in that regard.

The challenge modes range from the usual Tower modes, to the welcomed return of WarioWatch and Gamer, as well as four new ones, like my personal favorite of the new modes ''Split Screen'', which has you alternate between the 3DS' screens, essentially playing the games back to back, with no transition and very little time to prepare. After Game & Wario I got interested in the idea of trying to mix the WarioWare gameplay with some major gimmicks like Gamer did, so I was naturally happy about this.

Souvenirs

This is one part that's a bit disappointing, there's some good ones here, such as the music records, the ability to voice cutscenes yourself or extra minigames, but many of them feel like filler, such as alarm clocks of every single character or phone numbers, which are only there to be used on the phone souvenirs and aren't interesting on their own. This is one aspect of the game that feels like it got the short end of the stick, the souvenirs were always just toys to play around with, but you got a lot of creative stuff out of it, there isn't a whole lot of that here, unfortunately.

Wario Land References

I am fine with Ware doing it's own thing, but I always appreciate nods to Wario's other major series as well and Gold is really generous in that regard.

-The entire plot of the game is kicked off by Wario stealing a treasure.

-Loot Scoot which was blatantly Land inspired has been promoted to a boss minigame.

-The new version of Driver's Ed from Smooth Moves has Wario drive in his car from Land 4.

-18-Volt's set includes a Land 3 microgame.

-The new version of Fly ' n' Fall from DIY features Tiny Warios.

So yeah, you have listened to me gush over the game for long enough. It doesn't reinvent the wheel, but it's the first Ware game in a long time and the first non-experimental Ware game in an even longer time and it does a lot of things that I like and/or wanted to see, so yeah, of course I'm going to be happy.

Good game, that's the sweet and short version right there.

[crippledboyfriend]

pie-for-everyone

replied to your post

“Here’s one where Yurio gets a bad cough and Viktor and Yuri worry....”

This was lovely <3 is there going to be more? The end just sounds, like there is more to come and I would happily read it!

You know, I had pretty much forgotten about this, but I do want to continue it!

Missed Practice Part 2

        Yuri stood outside the door to Viktor’s room.

        “This cough medicine hurts my throat going down,” complained Yurio. “Can you get me the kind we had in Russia?”

        “Probably not, kitten,” Viktor sounded remorseful. “But I’ll ask Yuri if there are any kinds he thinks might be more agreeable to you. It would be hard to find one with as pleasant of a taste as to what you’re used to, though.”

        Yurio coughed, and Viktor rubbed his back for him.

        “Let me take your temp. It’s been a while,” suggested Viktor.

        “It has not been a while,” Yurio grumbled as the older man stuck the thermometer in his mouth.

        Yuri frowned. From what he could hear, Yurio didn’t seem to be feeling much better. He didn’t want to eavesdrop anymore.

        “Yurio?” Yuri opened the door, making the sick boy jump a bit. He gasped and started coughing, turning his head into Viktor’s chest as he struggled to keep the thermometer in his mouth.

        “I didn’t mean to startle you,” Yuri touched his chest, a bit surprised himself to find that Yurio was cuddled up in Viktor’s lap. “I just brought a fresh cold compress.”

        “Oh, thank you, Yuri,” Viktor smiled as he rubbed Yurio’s back.

        “I’m really sorry,” Yuri blushed. He wasn’t expecting Viktor’s hands-on approach to cuddly caretaking. The forehead touching he’d seen was already cute, but now Yuri was starting to picture being the sick one while with Viktor, and it was absolutely not the time. He was trying to have a conversation! As Yuri daydreamed, Viktor continued speaking.

        “I think the fever’s just making him act anxious,” explained Viktor. “I’m sure you understand, Yuri.”

        “No, I completely understand!” said Yuri. “I’m not sure what to do about your cough syrup predicament, though. I’ve never known any to taste good.”

        “Maybe you could just find some that’s weaker. He’s sensitive,” said Viktor, realising that Yuri must have been waiting outside of the door. “His throat’s starting to get sore.”

        “Oh, I didn’t know,” said Yuri.

        Yurio nodded to Yuri, looking pissed off. He was hyper-aware of his throat.

        “I’ll have whoever goes to the store next buy another kind to try,” promised Yuri as the thermometer went off. Yurio took it out and read it himself.

        “100.2,” Yurio told them.

        “What is your fever doing?” asked Viktor, cupping Yurio’s forehead. “That’s a little better, but maybe your virus isn’t almost done running its course after all…” Viktor brought his fingers through Yurio’s hair, trying to be soothing.

        “I’ll just leave this here. Let me know if I can do anything,” Yuri sat the cold compress next to the sofa. “Should I go to the store now?”

        “No,” Viktor shook his head. “I doubt you’ll find exactly what he wants for his cough.”

        “Sorry,” Yuri bowed slightly as he exited.

        Yuri rested in bed, playing Animal Crossing. It was weird having the day off of practice. Viktor told him he could get a bit of work in if he wanted, but not to do as much as usual in case they were starting to come down with this, too. Something was going around Hasetsu. Yuri did work out a bit, but he didn’t want to get on the ice without the others, and his mother agreed that he should be taking it easy if something’s going around. Yuri hadn’t had much free time since Viktor decided to be his coach, but he still struggled to relax when given the chance, even with his degree out of the way. He focused on the chores in his game to distract him from real life. It did help a lot, but he was drained from spending the day wondering if he was fussing over Yurio too much or not enough. He really wanted Viktor to think that he was good at taking care of sick people. Suddenly, Yuri’s phone alarm went off and startled him.

        “Change Yurio’s Cold Compress” Right. Yuri closed his DS and swiped away the notification, hurrying down to the kitchen. It was his turn again. He couldn’t help but overhear Viktor, who was on the phone in the living room. This eavesdropping was starting to become an awful habit.

        Viktor was speaking Russian, but Yuri could understand a little of it. He’d gotten curious before and learned a few terms for cold related things.

        “That’s good advice…Yeah…” Viktor listened to Yakov. “But can you describe how I take oral temperatures again? I’m just not sure I know how to do it accurately enough. The readings of his temperature are all over the place.”

        “Well, remember that there’s a conversion. His normal temperature in his mouth is going to be 98.6. If he’s coughing all the time and drinking hot tea like you say, that’s going to distort the reading a bit,”

        “We do want to fit in with the Katsuki’s while we’re in Japan, but I’m just not so sure continuing with this method is best for the poor baby,” frowned Viktor. “He’s been coughing so much, and he seems like he gets dizzy and has trouble breathing after his fits. Do you know how to take pulse?”

        “He’s not going to lie around and let you examine everything, Viktor,” Yakov reminded him. “Just do your best to keep him medicated and help him hold the thermometer under the side of his tongue.”

        “Alright,” Viktor touched his temple. “I’ll call you again later. Thanks for letting me complain to you.”

        “Goodbye, Vitya. Tell Yurochka he’s welcome back at the rink whenever,”

        “Bye,” Viktor hung up.

        “Uh, Viktor?” Yuri asked, getting his coaches’ attention. “Are you not sure you know how to take Yurio’s temperature?”

        “Wow! I didn’t know you understood Russian that well!”

        “Oh, no, no,” Yuri blushed and made a frantic gesture with his hands. “It’s hard to speak, and also hard to respond to, so even if I overhear something, don’t think much of it. Please speak English with me.”

        “I understand. Well, Yuri…Back in Russia I would’ve tested Yurio’s temp under his arm, you see?” Viktor explained. “But here in Japan, I feel like I’m getting inconsistent readings.”

        “Oh,” said Yuri. He tried to pretend that he didn’t already know this from stalking Viktor on social media over the years. When his mom wanted to take Yurio’s temperature orally, he just went with it because he didn’t want to discuss any of this and get unnaturally flustered.

        “This is dumb and I’m probably interrupting you,” admitted Viktor, getting embarrassed. “Were you up to change the ice out for Yurochka?”

        “Yeah, it’s my turn,” said Yuri, holding up the cold compress and shuffling on his feet. “But when I’m done, do you want to meet me in my room with the thermometer? I can show you how to take temperature. It’s not dumb to be worried about someone’s health.”

        “Ah, okay,” Viktor gave a slight nod.

        “You don’t have to,” blushed Yuri. “I could just be the one to take his temperature since I know what I’m doing, if that would make you feel better.”

        “No, I’ll come to your room with you,” Viktor stood up. “Let’s just get this to the sick little boy first, да?”

        “うん,” Yuri looked away and headed up the stairs with Viktor following.

        “Yurio?” Yuri called, opening the first door into Viktor’s room. “Yurio, it’s time to change out your cold compress.” Yuri slid open the door to Yurio’s small “room”. The blonde was curled up on his futon.

        “Here you go,” Yuri bent down and took care of the ice for the younger skater. “This should feel better.”

        “Спасибо,” said Yurio. The boy couldn’t believe that Yuri and his parents were coming in every 20 minutes without forgetting to change out his ice pack. Mari came in instead of one of them every now and again, too. The whole family was making sure that the kid wasn’t forgotten about it. None of Yurio’s family ever takes the time to keep checking on him like that, even though he does have people in Russia that know what will make him feel best and will coddle him when he’s willing to put up with it.

        “Can I do anything else for you?” asked Yuri as the Russian Fairy coughed.

        “No,”

        “Okay then. I’m going to borrow Viktor for a little bit,”

        “A-alright,” Yurio cleared his throat and coughed a bit more.

        Yuri closed the sliding door to give Yurio a bit of privacy and stepped out with Viktor, who had picked up the thermometer and alcohol wipes. Yuri’s heart was pounding as he let Viktor into his room. Yuri immediately shut the door behind them and sat on his bed.

        Viktor looked around the small room curiously.

        “You hardly ever let me in here,”

        “There’s not much to see,” said Yuri. “Sit down and I’ll show you how this works.” Viktor slowly made his way to the bed and sat down. He was as close to Yuri as he could be without touching him. Yuri swallowed nervously.

        “It won’t work properly if Yurio speaks, coughs or has just taken a drink,” Yuri explained. He quickly wiped the thermometer and turned it on.

        “Open,”

        Viktor opened his mouth and let Yuri push the thermometer under his tongue. He closed his lips around the device.

        “You have to make sure the tip is under the side of his tongue. There’s a heat pocket under each side. Just push it far back there and hold the end up for him,” Yuri’s heart pounded as he sat next to Viktor, holding onto the thermometer. This was feeling like even worse of an excuse to be alone playing doctor with his idol the longer that Yuri thought about it.

        Viktor touched Yuri’s knee, not breaking eye contact. Surprised, Yuri had to look away and blush, but he didn’t retreat. When the thermometer went off, Yuri gently slipped it out from Viktor’s pretty lips and showed him the result.

        “Here, see? 98.6. It worked perfectly,”

        “Ah, yes. I’ve forgotten about that number being the norm under the tongue and it’s frightened me a bit. But, it’s a degree up from auxiliary,”

        “Mmhm,” Yuri nodded, cleaning off the thermometer with an alcohol wipe.

        “…and a degree down from anal. It’s more of a middle ground. I need to remember it that way,” Viktor smiled, but Yuri couldn’t help but turn red at how easily Viktor was able to talk about that.

        “Why would he word it that way?” Yuri thought to himself. “He literally just said ‘anal’. Oh my god.”

        “Y-y-yes,” said Yuri, nervously touching his chin. “It’s obviously a lot harder to take Yurio’s temperature since he’s coughing, but do you feel more comfortable with it now?”

        “A bit. I think the important thing I should take away from it is that I should probably start holding unto the thermometer for him. Like this, right?” Viktor took the thermometer from Yuri and put his hand on his shoulder as he forced the device into the Japanese skater’s mouth.

        Yuri blushed and smiled at first, but then he nodded quickly and spit out the thermometer.

        “Yeah, exactly. You’ve got it,” said Yuri.

        “Good,” Viktor sighed and folded his arms. “I’m sorry you’ve all had to help with this. I’ve been rather worried. He’s not normally like this. While I’m lucky to have all of you and Yakov, I ended up calling Yurio’s grandfather for some Yurio-specific help. But, they all act like I’m doing everything right.”

        “You pretty much are,”

        “It doesn’t feel like it. And Yurio depends on me. I need to pull myself together,” Viktor fixed his hair. “Yurio doesn’t have much family, and his grandpa…Is very ill. Too ill to take care of himself, much less Yurio. It was very obvious when Nikolai got worse. Yakov told him that Yurio could live with him and that he’d looked after his skaters before. Nikolai was surprised and didn’t want to give Yurio up, but he’s certainly quite grateful. Yurio’s always looked up to me and I often let him spend the night or a weekend with me so Yakov can have a break. I owe Yakov,” Viktor smiled.

        “Besides, I like taking care of Yurio,” said Viktor.

        Yuri touched Viktor’s arm, a better picture coming together of Viktor and the other Yuri’s relationship. He was realising the past day that Viktor had to be a lot more responsible for taking care of the brat than he initially thought.

        “If it makes you feel better, you CAN use this thermometer under the arm. We don’t mind. We’re all trying our best to make him feel better.”

        “I might just do that,” said Viktor. “I’ll ask him which method he likes best.”

        “Good,” Yuri stood up quickly, but Viktor took his time, carefully looking around the room.

        “It’s amusing to picture you growing up in here,”

        Yuri didn’t know what to say. He looked at Viktor, and then brought his gaze down and started to head out of the room.

        “That sounds awful,” Viktor frowned, rubbing Yurio’s back as he tried to soothe him through a particularly rough coughing spell. “I can’t get you more cough syrup yet, though.”

        Yurio bent forward a bit, covering his mouth even harder as he gagged a little.

        Viktor yanked a few tissues out of the box and covered Yurio’s face for him. The blonde took the tissues as vomit started to drip between his fingers. The older man quickly brought the trashcan to Yurio’s lap and started to rub his back again as Yurio let go of the tissues and gripped the rim of the trash. He spit up the vomit in his mouth as his coughing fit continued, triggering his gag reflex again. Not holding back now, Yurio vomited a little more.

        Unable to handle the situation, Viktor quickly ducked forward and sympathy vomited into the same receptacle. He wished he could stop himself, but there was no way. He grabbed some tissues to clean himself up with as he continued to rub Yurio’s back.

        Yuri’s mother rushed into the room without knocking.

        “Was he just ill?”

        A bit embarrassed, Viktor nodded and took a tissue to blow his nose.

        Yuri appeared behind his mother.

        “Oh, Vic-chan,” Yuri’s mother looked exasperated. “Not you, too…”

        “It’s just kind of a reflex when I see him get sick,” admitted Viktor, sweating. “I’ll be fine after a glass of water. Yurio’s our main concern, да?”

        “Viktor, oh my god,” Yuri rushed to Viktor’s side and felt his forehead. “Viktor, you’re warm.”

        “Help Yurio,” Viktor insisted as he pulled himself together.

The blonde spat into the trash before grabbing another tissue. Yuri helped and used a tissue to wipe a drop of vomit from Yurio’s face.

Yuri’s mother, however, let the boy be and checked Viktor’s forehead while the 2 tried to pull themselves together. She didn’t say anything after she pulled away.

“Are you done, Yurio-chan?” asked Hiroko.

“Yeah,” Yurio’s voice came out weak and he wouldn’t look anyone in the eye.

Hiroko cooed and touched Yurio’s arm before getting the trash from them.

“Mom?” asked Yuri. “Did he feel warm to you?”

“I think he’ll be fine once he calms down,” said Hiroko as she left.

“Do you both have water?” asked Yuri, and Viktor nodded and blew his nose again.

“So you sympathy vomit?” Yuri kept talking.

Another nod and a bit of a gasping noise came from Viktor as he started to breathe normally again.

“I know your instincts make you want to go to his side when he’s ill, but you have to get me to help when this happens,” said Yuri.

“It happened too fast,”

“I know,” Yuri touched Viktor’s shoulder. “I’m not blaming you. I just don’t want you throwing up.”

Yurio seemed to be feeling much worse as he slumped back into the couch and swore. He let himself tilt over until he was cuddled into Viktor’s side. Viktor put his arm around Yurio.

“I know, I know,” Viktor tried to be comforting to the sick one.

“Did he just cough too hard and gag himself?” asked Yuri.

“It sure seemed like it. That’s all that was, right, Yurochka?”

“Yeah,” Yurio coughed.

“Can I do anything?” asked Yuri.

“No, I’m alright. I’ll be back to the caretaker role in just a minute,” Viktor flashed a victory sign.

“Tell me if you think you’re getting sick,” insisted Yuri. “I can help.”

“That’s very sweet of you. I’ll be sure to let you know.”

Yuri’s mother came back in the room with the trash cleaned out.

“Do you think you’re done?” she asked, and everyone nodded.

“Good,” she bent down and felt Yurio’s forehead. “You haven’t eaten much. Dinner may help settle your stomach. What would you like me to cook?”

“I don’t know, just some soup,” Yurio sat up slowly. He looked pale, and his eyes seemed tired.

Hiroko bent forward and kissed Yurio’s forehead.

“I’m sorry,” she frowned. “You’re so far from home and I don’t think you completely understand what’s going on, do you?”

        “What’s in this?” asked Yurio, putting his spoon back into his soup. “This is weird.”         Viktor made himself a spoonful and blew on it before trying it, not thinking about germs at all as Yurio coughed.

        “Onion. Mushroom and tofu, too,” Viktor said simply. “It doesn’t have a strong taste. You can drink this.”

        “I know, I just want to know what it is,” said Yurio, taking another soup. “I can’t remember if I like tofu.”

        “You’ve eaten it before,” pointed out Viktor.

        Yurio had a few more spoonful’s and sat the bowl down.

        “Viktor?” Yurio’s’ voice barely came out.

        “Yes?”

        “I’m nervous that I’ll puke it up. I haven’t been hungry. Maybe that’s for a reason,”

        “Can you not try to eat anymore?” asked Viktor.

        “I don’t think I should,” said Yurio. “I feel all hot and gross. I just want to pass out.”

A bit surprised, Viktor felt the warmth from Yurio’s sweaty forehead. “Oh. Well, go brush your teeth while I put this in the fridge.”

        “You’ll be right back?” Yurio coughed.

        “I promise, Yurochka,” Viktor kissed Yurio’s temple. “I’m proud of you for trying to eat.”

        Viktor brought the bowl downstairs.

        “He didn’t eat much,” mentioned Hiroko.

        “No,” frowned Viktor.

        “Did he like it?”

        “I think so. He’s just scared that he’ll vomit,” said Viktor.

        “Try to get him to have something else in an hour or so. Viktor, you’ll be staying up and comforting him tonight, right?” she asked, a bit nervous that Viktor wasn’t mature enough to think to do that on his own.

        “I don’t think that will be necessary. He looks like he’ll sleep through the night. He’s quite tired right now so I’m going to be putting him to bed. He may be an early riser tomorrow since he’s falling asleep at 8, but he might just need the extra rest.”

        “If he’s up, someone needs to be up with him,” insisted Hiroko.

        “Oh,” said Viktor. “Well, I will get out of bed and take care of him if he wakes me.” Viktor hoped this was the right answer, but he was a little unsure why she was questioning him about this to begin with.

        “But, if you want to go to sleep, you have to let someone know that he’s up so they can take care of him,”

        “We’ll be fine,” Viktor smiled. “Thank you for worrying about us.”

        Hiroko reached up and felt Viktor’s head with the back of her hand. Viktor thought to himself how the Katsuki family seemed to do that a lot as she pulled her hand away.

        “Alright, you cooled back down,” she smiled. “My Yuri gets anxious a lot and it can unfortunately be contagious. I was starting to worry that you were coming down with this, too. But, you’re not even coughing. That’s ridiculous.”

        “Ah,” Viktor smiled. “Thanks for your concern.” Viktor covered the soup and put it in the fridge while Hiroko finished putting the dishes away and left. Viktor then took out a bottle of rum, which he poured into a shot glass and drizzled in honey, just for assurance that Yurio would go straight to sleep.

[cosmosogler]

hello. yesterday sucked.

i don’t even remember yesterday that well. i ended up hanging out with keegan and harrison for like an hour and a half, between 5:30 and 7, right before we proctored... we were swapping goofy youtube videos. at the end of my video my youtube recommendations popped up and i was like “NOOOOOOOOOOO” and tried to cover up my screen while having a panic attack, because i’m really cool.

i listen to video game soundtracks. i do not really want them knowing which video games i like. even though portal 2 is objectively the best game ever i just feel like... it’s hard to share fan made content with other people.

like when i mentioned i read fan fiction everyone got all weird about it like i was reading hardcore porn or something. i don’t like that feeling. that like... misunderstanding of what my interest is. then i end up rambling for two hours to explain my love for this piece of media and i bore the other person and then we’re back at square one.

but if i join, like, a fandom, i’ll be expected to only talk about that one thing. but i like lots of things!!! i dunno. let me listen to the blue sky “podcast” in peace.

i’ve never talked about that book with ANYONE, except to mention that it’s really good. and it is a novel. it takes that long to read.

anyway proctoring was boring so i spent some time counting all the left-handed students in the lecture hall, and then i played pokemon go, and then i wandered around staring intimidatingly at people. i am not intimidating at all, i wear a bow in my hair. but they looked at me like i was either gonna rip their heads off, or stark naked, and i’m not sure which.

also the stapler was loud as a gunshot and i flinched every time i had to staple someone’s exam together, which was 115 times.

i talked to the professor i was teamed up with though and we just talked about, like, moving to a new place and getting established i guess? i don’t know about you guys but i unironically like talking about the weather. leave me alone.

i actually can’t tell if i want to be alone or not. i feel sick like i want to be alone. but i also desperately want to talk about this stuff i like. i talked to keegan about competitive pokemon for 20 minutes and let him see my collection. well, “see,” because he is basically blind and didn’t even realize my ds had a top screen. he asked how many of my 270 pokemon are hacked and i said like 8. and that’s... true. in the ballpark of ten, i think.

he stopped playing after diamond and pearl so i had to explain hidden abilities and triple battles. i miss triple battles.

oh right, yesterday i had group therapy. i got some advice. i think i will try to implement it soon. basically the idea is to carry a notebook or a phone memo with you and to periodically question yourself and write down everything you are feeling. it might help me narrow down my emotions to more than “angry” or “confused.” and she said it helps you get to know yourself better too.

hey today i woke up on time again. i think snoopy had been laying on my feet because they were extremely warm when i woke up. i didn’t get enough sleep at all. i finished getting ready early so of course that means i got distracted and left for class a little late.

but i biked turbo fast i guess because i got to class right on time and started teaching right away. i think it went ok. i was completely exhausted about 3/4 of the way through my second lab though so the last half hour was a real struggle to help everyone finish. i don’t know why my last section has so much trouble finishing on time. it cuts into my lunch break before my meetings with danielle at the drc. or whatever other appointment i have to attend to that day. last week i didn’t even get a lunch break, i had to eat at the seminar thing, i mentioned.

but it’s my middle section, which i feel i teach the best, that’s been getting consistently the lowest grades out of my sections. so i dunno. i use the same rubric for all three.

so i forced down some lunch and graded for 45 minutes (skipped coffee cookie time on accident, i didn’t really feel like dealing with sam today anyway, maybe next week). and then i went to the drc. we arranged for my course to get dropped and i contacted financial aid about the change to my minimum full time credit hours. i haven’t heard back from them yet, but the minute i do i’m going to set up an appointment with my graduate advisor to get that settled. in the meantime danielle told me not to waste my time going to class and to worry about the long term stuff.

maybe since everyone is here all year round i can cajole one of the professors into leading an “independent study” where i can try to keep up with my e&m credit.

we finished that up in about 25 minutes so danielle spent a while asking about my emotions. i think they were good questions because for once i had answers i could put into words, sort of. she pointed out that i laugh when i mention something painful to me. i said i get that a lot. it’s... easier than acknowledging that it hurts. ESPECIALLY in front of other people. crying is awkward and makes people uncomfortable.

we went a little bit into, like, the reasoning behind my trust issues and how it affects me now. it really was painful giving a list of the people that have majorly wronged me. and now how i don’t tell people when i’m sad or angry with them because that might make them angry and why should i be angry if i don’t want to be around angry people. and i know that when people are angry with you it’s scary and i don’t want to spook the people i care about. and like, i don’t like people being angry around me, because even if they’re not angry at me specifically they will take it out on me. it’s not safe.

“wronged” as in, like, how jim ghosted on me. or the year craig spent telling me i was “too much” or taking my words out of context and making me look like a real monster to my friends. 

she asked why i haven’t told sam directly to cut out the “cute” thing yet since it’s really rustling my jimmies. she said it was really disrespectful and i dunno it felt nice to hear someone else agreeing with me. well, it’s more like, she asked why i haven’t told sam how her words make me feel. i said it’s because it ain’t her business. danielle said that was fair enough.

telling people how their words make you feel is kind of, making yourself vulnerable to a person who literally just hurt you. hey, glad you’ve found my buttons! let me just make myself more vulnerable there for you. is that an easier target now? glad to help. let me know if there’s anything else i can do to make it easier for you to hurt my feelings.

i also mentioned the guy in the discord several weeks ago who went off on me for complaining about past romantic partners, because how *dare* i feel sad for being assaulted, because *he* can’t even get one date! i should be GRATEFUL for the attention!

involving a lot more curse words and insults to my mental faculties and character, of course.

man, i kinda hate having to add that tw tag to my posts because i mentioned something that happened to me. it does affect me though. and it’s better to warn people what they’re getting into. even if i just mention it once.

i felt a little bummed, but also, a little more on both feet mentally/emotionally after i left. i filled out my medical drop form and sent it to danielle to review. then i dicked around on the internet for like an hour while harrison came and sat in the office and dicked around on his phone. we didn’t really talk but we did throw candy at each other for a few minutes.

it’s so hard to show people the stuff i love. i mention it sometimes and if they don’t, like, immediately show interest i drop it forever. oz has been kind about the stuff i recommend. i’m trying to figure out which movie i want to watch with him over my thanksgiving break. i know it’s just an hour and a half or two hours, but it still feels like a huge energy investment. 

one time i linked him a music video and he said it was “beautiful” and i was like, “I KNOW RIGHT???”

i’ve remembered that moment for a long time. that was many years ago.

i graded until after 8 and finished one more section. two more to go before i am officially in the clear. then i will only be 2 weeks behind! for those 3 sections each!!! i also uploaded the grades to keep my supervisor posted on my progress a little better, and adjusted some formatting preferences on the excel file to make it easier for me to find stuff right away. 

i think my grade averages are maybe the lowest out of my friend group. i’m so concerned about doing right by my students and then i end up being kind of a hardass when it comes to actually taking off points haha... it’ll get curved back up at the end so i’m not too worried. i just feel bad that my students have to look at their 12/20 because i know how demoralizing that is. i think i will send out an email later and offer some resources if i can find any.

the problem is that i had 4 or 5 curve breakers so i couldn’t just scale up everyone’s scores at the end. 

anyway once i got home i made a microwave meal because it was like 8:50 and i just wanted food. i did all my dishes and hid some cookies for snoopy and cleaned her litter genie thing since it, uh, malfunctioned the other day and i just didn’t have time to fix it until tonight. and i swept the bathroom afterward so that looks better and doesn’t smell like cat pee.

ok it is six minutes after my “stop writing” time. i would like to get enough sleep tonight for once. i just have a lot on my mind and not much desire to deal with my dreams. 

i saw my friends again. i was just watchin em, i couldn’t really interact with the dream at all. they were trying to figure out some deja vu feelings. i couldn’t say anything to them that might help clear it up though. unable to get the message across.

i think keegan asked what kinds of dreams i have that i don’t like sleeping very much. oh i mentioned i don’t like naps because i get horrible nightmares. he asked how i ever sleep then and i said i guess eight hours is long enough for the dreams to calm down. THEN he asked what kinds of dreams i have. i said i dream about my eyes rotting out, or the skin coming off my hands, or blood and gunk just coming out of my mouth in a constant stream. he and harrison said please stop.

i am not sure how to bring up dream friends with them. i mentioned it to suzanne one time on the way to spaghetti day when we were swapping dream concepts. and i am not sure if they are even interesting enough to bring up. i’m not sure what to make of them at all. i guess it makes being awake feel less real. because i’ve met all these people in my dreams and i don’t always remember what i say to them but they feel real to me. 

you know, i did bring them up a little bit. i mentioned that i meet a lot of people in my dreams and that most of them are dead now. that prompted a joke about how we are all dead to keegan until he sees us again in the morning. it was funny and it made me feel a little better, but with most of them like, i watched them die. it’s not a matter of “haven’t been in touch.”

i just don’t know how to describe how i feel about the dream guys. it feels dumb to care about something like that when they’re not even real, they’re people i made up in my head. like it’s almost egotistical to pay attention to them or be concerned for their safety. i guess it depends on how you interpret dreams. collective consciousness? random nonsense? processing our day by making random associations? who knows. maybe a little of all of them. 

maybe it’s easier for my brain to handle being concerned about people i made up and put into danger myself than it is for my brain to be concerned about me and the problems i make in my own head.

i was talking to keegan and jennica and harrison at our meeting before the proctoring started. we were talking about how we have all adopted keegan’s “that’s no good” whenever we see something we don’t like. harrison joked that that’s how he would introduce keegan to a stranger. then he said he would introduce me to a stranger by saying something like “this is sammie. she’s depressed.”

i guess i felt kinda bad. i said “wow, good to know that depression is my defining character trait. it’s the one thing about me everyone notices!”

maybe the others felt bad too because i don’t think we talked about that much more. it’s hard to remember.

i still say things nic used to say in high school when we dated. like “wow! WOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW” is a good one. i think “smooth like sandpaper” is a phrase he picked up from me but we both said it a lot.

people stay with me. even when i don’t want them to. i still make jokes that shade toward stuff craig used to say. i still make jokes that jim really liked. when i caught myself using that old stupid punch line i had to stop and feel kinda sick for a few minutes actually.

i wonder if that’s all that people pick up from me? “this is sammie. she has depression.” i say things that i think are hilarious all the time but i don’t know if other people pick it up. i have like fifteen different words for “angry.” maybe my speech pattern is just odd enough that people don’t really copy me. 

i’ve never really talked like a normal person. most of my vocabulary comes from reading. books, internet message boards, video games, international students in high school. i still mispronounce words and i have so much trouble with names that i, like, try to avoid referring to people by name at this point.

danielle said i should try to make myself more vulnerable to my friends. so maybe they can understand me better. and maybe i will understand them better. 

but i tried that already. it didn’t work. i’m not stupid. i’m not gonna try something a million times if i know it’s not gonna work.

just kidding, i’m still studying physics. of course i’m gonna beat my head against a wall until either the wall or my head breaks!!!

danielle said she admired how strong i am for continuing to get up and work hard every day. she asked how i was feeling. i said “not very strong.” 

it doesn’t feel like strength. it just feels like. boredom. maybe. i don’t know what else to do and i get restless. may as well do stuff.