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ttttaehyungie · 5 years ago

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secret santa | kth x reader

secret santa | kim taehyung x reader

genre | bff2l, fluff

summary | What you thought was an ingenious plan to figure out the perfect gift for your secret santee turns out to take a whole bunch of wrong turns, but with the best outcomes.

rating | NC-17

word count | 6.2k words

warnings | some profanities (it’s like... once LOL), mentioned breakups, it’s Christmas in the context of a pandemic

a/n | Merry Christmas everybuddy 🎄✨ here is a lighthearted (or at least it was until i hit the 6am point of the night while writing slkdjflkjd) lil christmas gift to everyone, but mostly to myself LOL bcos I’m finally posting a fic about the one who owns my heart in its entirety 😌

Christmas without you would just not be Christmas at all

Bright mistletoes up above us, it’s just you and me

-- V, Snow Flower

“C’mon, ____,” Taehyung whines. He plops down on the couch next to you and puts his big, round eyes to good use, giving you the puppy dog eyes treatment.

Well too bad for Taehyung, having known him for the last decade has granted you immunity against his pouty antics. There’s a couple of things that Taehyung employs in a bid to get what he wants. First, he’ll whine. Next, he’ll attempt to reason it out with you… or as much as he can convincingly reason with the pout still laced thick in his tone. If that fails, he’ll try bargaining. And finally, if none of the aforementioned has managed to sway you, he’ll just pout in silence.

“That’s the thing about Secret Santas, Tae, they’re supposed to be, y’know, secret.”

“Well, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me who your santee is!” he exclaims, throwing his hands in the air.

There it is. Stage two.

You ignore him and return to scrolling through Amazon in what you hope is a nonchalant manner.

“What if I guess who it is?” he tries.

When you don’t reply, he continues, “Is it Hoseok?” He runs a hand through his golden locks in thought. “No, buying for Yoongi is easy because all he ever wants is practical things like planners. You wouldn’t need help with that. Hm… Is it Seokjin?”

He rambles on about different kitchenware that could make a good present for Jin, a ramble that would have been really helpful if only Jin were actually your secret santee.

Taehyung gasps and falls silent, shocking you into finally looking up from your phone. His already round eyes are even rounder, wide as they are in shock. A hand hovers over his mouth as he goes still.

Then, as suddenly as he had gasped, he relaxes into a laugh.

“For a moment, I thought your secret santee was me,” he says, chuckling. A jolt runs through you, and your breath hitches in a way that you pray is unnoticeable. “But you’re too shitty a liar to do that.”

“Hey!” You jab his side playfully and he yelps. “What do you mean? I’m a great liar.”

“That’s a blatant and unconvincing lie right there.”

You fold your arms and turn away.

“I know you’re not actually mad, ____,” comes his sing-song voice, crossing his arms behind his head and reclining into the couch.

Letting out another huff, you turn further away. So when he grabs your hands and pulls you to face him, it startles you a little.

His eyes search yours, and you can’t help yourself from stumbling into their depths. The seriousness in his gaze holds yours intently.

But just as you think he’s about to apologize, his eyes melt into little crescent moons as he grins. “So. Who’s your secret santee?”

His cry comes out muffled under the cushion you hit him with.

An exasperated groan leaves you the moment you close the front door. Tipping your head back to rest against the solid wood, you shut your eyes. You hear footsteps pad closer.

“I take it your plan didn’t succeed?” Irene says, leaning against the wall as she takes in your defeated stance.

“Nope,” you say, picking yourself back up and hanging up your scarf and coat. Your roommate’s still in the same fuzzy pyjamas she was in when you’d left for Tae’s earlier in the day, and honestly, she’s got the right idea. You’re ready to get back into jammies too.

A Lifetime movie plays in the background, and you’d be willing to bet your life’s savings -- not that there’s much when you’re but a struggling student -- that she’s got a mug of hot chocolate to accompany her.

“Another Christmas movie?” you scoff in mock disgust. “How are you not sick of them yet?”

“What else are we supposed to do during a quarantined Christmas?”

“Don’t kid yourself. You’d be doing this even without the quarantine.”

“Hey. If you detest it so much, I heard that Taehyung’s place has many vacant rooms right now.”

You roll your eyes. She got that information from you. Both his roommates were gone from the apartment for the time being, one went back home for the holidays and another had chosen to attend the entire semester from home since everything was online anyway, leaving Taehyung with the luxury of the entire apartment to himself.

Meanwhile, Irene was making full use of the ongoing situation to evade going back home for the holidays. Too much family drama to allow her to binge-watch her holiday flicks in peace, she’d said.

And you? It’s kinda awful, but you’ve chosen to remain in your apartment just slightly off-campus so that you could get a head start on your research for your thesis, the campus library’s offerings much more vast than the local neighborhood library of your small town hometown.

Upon hearing this, Taehyung had offered to stay to keep you company over the holidays. “We’ve spent every Christmas together ever since we were kids, Christmas would just feel too weird without you,” he’d said. “And then we can join the gang’s Zoom Christmas celebration together too! I heard that’s what Namjoon and Jin will be doing since they’re both in the city over Christmas.”

How you’d managed to keep yourself from melting into a puddle of goo at his casual selflessness was a real feat. Taehyung had always been close to his family, and often missed them intensely while you guys were miles apart from home each college semester. So for him to give up a trip back home so you could still have a piece of home with you over Christmas was not a small sacrifice.

“Hellooo?” Irene waves a hand in your face. You jump, jolted out of your thoughts. “Are you actually daydreaming about it? Ooh, staying over at your crush’s place with no one else around… saucy things could happen, ____.”

Although that wasn’t what you were thinking about, you still feel the heat rise to your cheeks at being caught daydreaming about Taehyung. Instead, you give a feeble excuse to get Irene off your back, “I’m just thinking about secret santa gifts again. Ugh, why’d I have to draw him of all people?!”

“Are you sure you aren’t overthinking this because of your feelings? How difficult is it to think of a gift for a guy you’ve been friends with since you were kids? What about his interests?”

“That’s real tough. His hobbies are so whimsical and oftentimes just impulsive. Remember the phase with the film camera? And then the short-lived violin phase? And the piano phase? The only outcome of that phase is him playing the Chopstick Waltz every single time we pass by a piano.”

“Well, what about something that’s been a constant in his life then through all the phases?”

You purse your lips in thought, weighing the thought. It’s not a bad suggestion, but what has been a constant for him all this time?

Coming up with naught, you sigh and turn to head to your room. “I’ll think about it while I get changed back into my jammies.”

When you described Taehyung’s ideas and interests as being whimsical and oftentimes impulsive, this is exactly what you meant.

“Tae, I don’t think it’s gonna fit. Why’d you get such a big one?”

“You just have to believe, ____. We just need faith, trust, and- well actually, maybe just faith and a really good, hard thrust.”

“I feel like there’s so many that’s what she said jokes to be made here.”

“Wasting your energy on that line of thinking is the reason why we haven’t gotten this christmas tree through the door yet.”

With one more solid push, the widest part of the tree finally makes it through the narrow doorway of Taehyung’s apartment, and the two of you go stumbling forward with the extra momentum.

“We did it!” he exclaims, wrapping you up in a hug. “You believed!”

Internally cursing yourself for the way your heart has the audacity to stutter at his touch. The hug is nothing- the warmth that seeps from his body to yours is familiar because hugs are nothing special in your friendship. Even in your grade school memories, Taehyung had always been a tactile person, giving out hugs generously and demanding them in return by simply throwing himself at people to be received in an embrace, coerced or not. As you and your peers grew older, Taehyung became more aware and withheld himself from his sudden hug attacks, especially towards the other girls. But not you. He felt no need to skirt around things with you, and you found a quiet hum of satisfaction in knowing that Taehyung could be his tactile self with you. Hugs were just an expression of your friendship. Nothing more.

That is, until you wanted them to be more.

You shake the thought away. You’ve dealt with this successfully for more than a year now and you can continue on.

Taehyung loosens his hold but keeps his arms around you, leaning back to look at you. The soft puffs in his cheeks and the light creases around his eyes as they bunch up in happiness are just some of the little things you adore about him. The contentment practically radiates off of him. It’s just like him to get this excited over a christmas tree.

“Shall we get to setting it up?” you ask and he nods, releasing you completely then to get to work.

After the two of you find the perfect spot, situating the tree in the corner of the living room by the windows and in reach of a power socket, you grab the bag of decorations.

The oddly small and light bag of decorations.

“Tae?” you ask, pulling out the single box of baubles. “Is this all you got?”

Grinning sheepishly, he nods. “I didn’t have much left for decorations after I chose the tree.”

“Why’d you choose such a big tree then?”

“What’s the point of getting a tiny tree? It’s only nice and festive if it’s large!” he exclaims.

“Well, what’s the point of getting a big tree that will be bare except for six baubles, Tae?!”

“I was thinking we could improvise the decorations.”

You quirk an eyebrow. “Improvise?”

“Yeah, like- wait,” he says, running to his bedroom. His voice floats over from the narrow corridor, “just hang on!”

After a little rustling and rummaging, Taehyung emerges with two shoeboxes and a few scarves thrown over his shoulders. Grabbing one of the shoeboxes from him, you open it to reveal a bunch of keychains. Souvenirs from his friends’ travels and some of his own too. In there, you recognize an eiffel tower keychain you gifted him after your family’s holiday to France.

“Here, look!” He grabs a few and begins hanging them on the tree. “Decorations!”

You laugh. It’s a classic Taehyung move, and honestly it doesn’t look half bad. Picking a few keychains of your own from the box, you join him in placing them around the tree.

“What are you going to do about the tree topper?” you ask.

He smirks. “I’ve already got that all figured out.” Unboxing the second shoebox to reveal his collection of polaroid photos, he rifles around till he finds the photo he wants. Brandishing the polaroid of Yeontan, he grins. “Both an angel and a star. Perfect.”

You can't argue with that logic, and you say as much before vacating the step stool so he can clip the polaroid to the top of the tree with a wooden peg. Eyeing the pile of scarves on the couch, you ask, “What about the scarves?”

“Scarves? You mean ribbons?” he says, and begins draping them across the tree. You giggle and reach for one. The soft material is plush, caressing your skin as you run your fingers over the material. It's much nicer than the other scarves, you notice, and way too nice to be stuck on a christmas tree.

“Hey,” you say, “isn’t this cashmere? Are you sure you want such a nice sweater on your tree?”

Taehyung shrugs. “It was a gift from my ex. It’s not like I’m going to wear it anymore.”

His ex. The words hit you like a punch to your gut.

Taehyung's ex, Samantha, was a pleasant person to be around, easygoing and bubbly with a sunny personality that matched him well. At least, from what you could tell based off the first two months of their relationship that you got to witness firsthand. You're not quite sure who exactly initiated the distance -- whether it was from your own courtesy that you gave them space, or whether Samantha had, directly or indirectly, requested for it -- the memories were all too foggy by now.

What you do remember is that one moment they were happy together, and the next they were broken up, the relationship lasting just a little over six months. Taehyung never spoke much about it and when you did probe, he would brush it off with scant excuses that they just figured they weren't compatible after all.

That had been some time in the spring. Briefly, you wonder how many wears the scarf had gotten, and how much sentimental value it held. The quality of the material hinted towards a relationship that had been going strong.

Yet, you muse over it as you drape the luxurious material over the prickly christmas tree, Taehyung brushed it off with such brashness that spoke otherwise.

“Hey,” Taehyung breaks the silence that has fallen between you, clearing his throat in a self-conscious manner as if he’s feeling guilty over the awkward turn that the conversation had taken. You look at him, half-hidden behind the tree pines, his eyes pensive. Maybe he’ll finally open up about the relationship -- it’s been eight months after all. But then he flashes his usual elfin grin. “Any luck with your secret santee gift yet?”

You groan, partly because no, you’re still clueless and stuck on what to get him, and partly because he’s once again evaded the topic of his ex.

The incessant buzzing of your phone gets ignored, vibrating almost violently in its spot on the tinyass coffee table next to your feet which you’ve kicked up ever so demurely. The consecutive, rapid-fire notifications can only be from an overly enthusiastic Taehyung.

Irene nudges foot with her own socked one. “Aren’t you gonna check your phone? I can pause the movie if you want.”

“Nah, I’ve watched Home Alone enough times to not care about missing anything. And it’s probably just Tae being all excited about secret santa gift suggestions.”

“Ooh, how’s that going? Finally got him to spill what he might want?”

An exasperated sigh escapes you. “No, he’s sending me individualized suggestions for everyone that are so well thought out and personalized that I can’t get them for anyone else.”

Grabbing your still-buzzing phone, you flick through your texts. Just as you’d predicted, Tae’s sent you a bunch of Christmas socks he found on Amazon that he thinks would make a good addition to Jin’s collection of festive socks, a set of really nice paints that would pair well with Yoongi’s newfound interest in painting, and an anthology of time-travel short stories that he thinks would fascinate Namjoon.

“Hm, d’you think he’s called your bluff? Intentionally sending you suggestions that wouldn’t be helpful?”

You shake your head, frowning. “Tae’s not like that. Honestly, it was just a bad move on my part, hoping that he would give some generic gift suggestion that would let slip what he really wants. Tae is too thoughtful to get people generic gifts. He puts his heart and soul into the presents he buys for others.”

Reaching over, Irene pinches your cheek lightly as she coos at you, “Awww, you’re so in love with him. I can feel the cavities forming.”

“Pretty sure those are from the hot chocolate with extra marshmallows you love so much,” you say, tipping your chin in a gesture to the mug in her hands.

Irene sticks her tongue out and takes an extra large sip in typical defiance.

As much as you mock Irene for her love for Lifetime holiday movies and hot chocolate, you do have to admit that there’s a certain appeal to it. Curled up on the lumpy couch in Taehyung’s apartment, cupping the hot beverage in your hands, even the uneven lumpiness of the cheap piece of furniture begins to feel comfortable.

The entire room is dark, save for the glow of the television. Taehyung has always insisted that this is the best way to watch movies. Maybe it’s a good thing your makeshift decorations on the christmas tree -- still standing proudly in the corner of the room -- didn’t include christmas lights after all.

Outside, the snowfall has gotten pretty intense, the temperature dipping significantly compared to the previous few days. It is well and truly winter, the cold showing no mercy to anyone who wasn’t prepared for it. You’re thankful to be inside and with a nice hot drink.

But as the film runs on, you get so engrossed in the plot that you don’t even realize you’ve finished your drink till you drain the last of it. Oh.

Looking over at Taehyung, you could always request for more and you know he’d be more than happy to make you another cup. But the movie is at its climax and the way his eyes are glued to the screen, his mouth slightly agape with how invested he is in the film, you can’t bring yourself to interrupt him now. So you try to ignore the way the cold begins nipping at your fingertips.

Soon enough though, the once warm mug that was a pleasant source of heat became stiff cold ceramic between your equally stiff fingers. Scrunching your toes, you wish you’d thought to bring an extra pair of socks over, especially when you think about the pair of socks you’d stuffed into your boots, soggy and cold with melted ice. A shiver runs through you at the thought.

“Are you cold?” Taehyung asks, and you jump. You didn’t realize he’d noticed.

“Yeah, a little.”

He pouts. “Why didn’t you say something sooner? C’mere,” he says, and lifts the edge of his blanket, revealing his plaid pants and sweatshirt combination.

Crawling in quickly, you tell yourself that you’re only complying because you know he’ll put up a fight if you don’t, and you don’t want the cold air getting into the cocoon of warmth he’s created with his blanket. Not because you’re excited to snuggle up with Tae. Definitely not. But now that you’re here, you may as well make the most of it, you figure.

Taehyung yelps as you press your icy toes to his warm thigh. Your arms wind their way around him, desperately seeking out the warmth of his body heat. Nuzzling lightly into the crook of his neck, you sigh, finally getting some relief from the cold.

The tiniest of groans escapes him. Then, a tight gasp. Stiffening, you peer up at Taehyung carefully.

He’s turned to look at you too, his attention that was once rapt by the movie now focused directly on you with equal intensity. Nervous energy accumulates within you and your heart rate skyrockets, now keenly aware of every hard plane of his body against yours. The logical part of you regrets the way you launched yourself at him and gave no regards for personal space. But you’re only dimly aware of that. The part of you that just wants Taehyung, the part that you’ve kept under lock and key, now fights against the restraints you’ve tied yourself into, unravelling you. You gnaw at your lip unsurely, and you watch as Taehyung’s gaze drops to your lips, heavy-lidded as they linger there, then darting back up to meet yours head-on.

The hand that he has on your hip grips you a little tighter, and you clutch the front of his sweatshirt in response. Your heart is pounding now, and the headiness of it all makes you feel swirly. Is he leaning clo-

Slam!

Both of you jump. The noise from the film startles you both, and you accidentally head butt Taehyung’s chin in the midst of it. He yelps in pain.

“I’m so sorry!” You frantically rub the spot to soothe it. “Are you ok?”

He laughs it off in his usual carefree manner. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“You sure? It doesn’t hurt?”

“It’ll be fine in a bit,” he says, pulling you into his chest, his warmth emanating from his chest to your back in a comforting manner. “Let’s continue watching the movie.”

With his arms wound around you, you wonder if he can feel the way your heartbeat continues to beat erratically. If he does, he says nothing about it. And underneath you, you can feel clearly how his heartbeat matches yours in its stuttering pace. But you say nothing about it. Not for the duration of the movie, not when it ends, not when you stand to leave, and not when he wishes you goodnight at the door.

The next day, you wake up with thoughts of yesterday sending your mind into a spiralling whirlpool. You decide it’s time to make an emergency call.

Also, it’s five days to Christmas and you still haven’t thought of a suitable gift for Taehyung.

“Hello?” comes a chirpy voice over the line.

“Jiminie!”

“____! What’s up?”

“Listen, I need your help. It’s about the secret santa thing.”

“What about it?”

“I need a suggestion for a gift for your best friend.”

Jimin chuckles. “Isn’t he also your best friend?”

“Well, yes, but…”

You take him through your original plan to covertly ask Taehyung what he would like by asking what would make a good gift, and how it got completely derailed, to which Jimin just laughed. And then your discussion with Irene on finding something that has been a constant in his life. Since you’re on the phone with Jimin, you take the chance to rant about your annoyance with yourself at not foreseeing Taehyung’s thoughtfulness and the personalized gift suggestions that he’s been giving you.

“____,” Jimin interrupts you mid-rant. “The answer is right in front of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe your plan didn’t really fail. If Tae is suggesting personalized gifts, then…” he trails off meaningfully.

You gasp. “Oh. You’re absolutely right, Jimin, you genius!”

“This was your own plan, ____.” He chuckles. “Now as for what has been constant in his life… Do you really not realize?”

Oh.

“Jimin, you’re a genius, y’know that?”

“So I’ve been telling everyone.”

“Ok, I gotta go now,” you say, excitement zipping through you as your mind fills abuzz with different ideas now that Jimin has set you on the path.

“Seeya on the 25th, you dork.”

“See you!”

Belatedly, you realize you missed out on telling Jimin about what had happened the day prior. But you shrug it off, figuring that you could tell him about it another time.

---

But as it turns out, you don’t. The hectic rush of preparations for Christmas keep you and your friends so busy, you’re thankful everyone’s blocked out Christmas night for each other or you’d just miss each other completely otherwise.

Days on from the eventful movie night you had with Taehyung, the distance has already caused the memories of the night to go slightly fuzzy. You wonder if it had really even happened, or if you were just overthinking everything as per usual.

And since Taehyung never brought it up, your friendship carrying on in the easy status quo, it was simple enough to chalk it up to your own imagination.

The rush towards Christmas keeps itself up even till Christmas day itself. You’re huffing a little as you squeeze yourself and your grocery bags through the doorway of Taehyung’s apartment. The lopsided feeling of your beanie sitting askew on your head is just one part of your disheveled state right now.

“Tae!” You set the bags down and replace the spare key in its hiding place. “I’m here!”

He comes bursting out of his room and running over to help you with the bags. “Is it time to bake?” His tone is bright and shimmering with anticipation. Baking Christmas cookies with each other’s families was a tradition the two of you grew up with, and a tradition you both intended to keep even while away from your hometown.

Pulling the cookie cutters out of the bag, you wave them with a grin. “Shall we? We still have to prepare dinner after this and make sure we log onto Zoom on time too.”

The afternoon is filled with a flurry of flour and butter and sugar, cookie cutters and oven mitts, and a whole lot of messy icing. You pipe out a beautiful blue and white star, if you do say so yourself, taking pride in the baking skills you’ve honed over the past twenty years. Meanwhile, Taehyung scribbles Yeontan on a star-shaped cookie of his own. He adds this to his collection of alien cookies and rabbits on the moon.

When you’re both done decorating and the icing is left to set, you get to work on dinner. It’s a simple affair, just some mashed potatoes that you set Taehyung to work on, some lightly roasted veggies, and a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket in place of the usual Christmas turkey your families would normally have.

Grabbing plates to serve up your dinner, you can hear the chorus of hellos from the living room as Taehyung sets up his laptop to join the Zoom call. It fills you with a warmth you didn’t know you were missing, the cacophony of noise from your friends still as familiar as it always is even though it’s filtered through the speakers on the laptop. If anything, it may even be more chaotic than ever, with everyone speaking over each other, the social cues becoming even harder to read over the virtual platform.

When you finally enter the room with your two plates, the noise only gets louder, everyone shouting to greet you. You say a quick hi and slip back into the kitchen to get the tray of cookies to show off to the rest over the webcam.

You take your place next to Taehyung, seating yourself next to him in a similar cross-legged position, your knees knocking together as you both squeeze to get into frame together. Memories of the movie night come back to you, but Taehyung seems unfazed. Feigning calmness, you try to focus on the ongoing exchange instead.

The conversation drives itself, years of friendship and months spent apart from each other fuelling the chatter. With small talk on how Christmas day was for everyone, quick catch-ups on how everyone’s doing, inside jokes and references to shared experiences of the past, the atmosphere feels just like that one year you all went on a camping trip together and sat around the bonfire on the final night, swapping stories and jokes in a breezy fashion.

Just as the conversation slips into an easy placidity, Hoseok suggests you all move on to the secret santa bit of the night.

That’s when you gasp. Amidst the manic pace of the day and its activities, you’d forgotten to retrieve your present from where you’d stowed it in your apartment. In the same way that you treated Taehyung’s apartment like your own, so was your apartment to him. Taehyung could walk into your apartment any moment, whether you were present or not, and you needed to find a good secret place for your present. Stashing your prepared present in an unused cupboard in the kitchen, you remember commending yourself for having found such a great hiding spot. Turns out, it was so excellently hidden that even you had forgotten about it till this very moment.

But your internal struggle and the guilt that plagued you went unbeknownst to the rest, each taking turns to open their presents. A whole range of reactions and sound effects went on, Hoseok thanking Taehyung for his gifted sunglasses with such sincerity that transcended the boundaries of the webcam and screen. Yoongi had bought Jin a new fishing reel, and the boys were in the midst of discussing their next fishing trip.

But it was Namjoon’s reaction and the chaos that ensued that truly had you relaxing a little from your anxious-frustrated-guilty state.

“Snacks? And wet wipes?” Namjoon’s expression is incredulous as he pulls the items out of the brown paper bag. “Who’s giving me all these freebies?!”

“FREEBIES?!” Next to Namjoon, Jin smacks the table, causing him to jump. “I’ll have you know that those snacks were selected after careful observation, and I even went so far as to scout out for the specific brand you like and some even required shipping from elsewhere because the grocery stores near us didn’t stock it, and I got you wet wipes because you’re always spilling things, or maybe you could use them after you’re done snacking while on the go, but you still have the AUDACITY to call it FREEBIES?!”

At the sight of Jin gone red in the face, the snickers that the rest of you had been holding in came bursting out.

“Ok, I think we’re the last two to open our gifts,” Taehyung says, reading the room and moving on quickly before Jin could get even more agitated. “____, this is yours from your secret santa.”

Ripping open the wrapping paper swiftly, you find a brown leather-bound journal with your initials embossed on them in gold.

“Oh! This is beautiful,” you gush. “And since we’re the last two, this must be from Jimin!”

Even through the screen, the sight of your friend’s smile, eyes all scrunched up with the sincerity of it, has your heart swelling.

“And that means… that I’m your secret santee!” Taehyung gasps. “No way. And this whole time I was calling you a bad liar.”

He rambles on, explaining to the rest about your sly method of attempting to discreetly ask him what he might like for Christmas. The whole time, you’re chewing on your lip, trying to find the right moment to interject and explain what’s happened.

“Ok! So,” Taehyung finally pauses, looking at you expectantly, “I’m ready for my present!” His hands are cupped and ready to receive the present… that will not make it to him tonight.

You place your hands in his, lowering them gently and taking in his obvious confusion. “I’m so sorry, Tae, I left your present back at home. I promise I’ll bring it over tomorrow! Or you can come over after this to grab it if you want.”

“Oh,” he says, puppy dog pout hitting you full-force with guilt. “But I still want a gift now, so…”

Grasping your hands that are still in his, he tugs you forward into his chest, and plants a soft kiss on your lips.

Silence. Both from your brain, and from everyone around.

It lasts for two seconds -- your group of friends has never found it easy to shut up after all -- and then it’s an eruption, pulling you back to the reality that the two of you are not alone.

You can hear Jungkook screaming, “GROSS!” and Namjoon yelling in confusion. But Jimin’s tinkling laughter, filled with unmistakable joy, cuts through the noise along with a raspily muttered, “It’s about fucking time.” from Yoongi.

In the background, you hear Jungkook asking, “Waaaait, so does this mean that Seokjin has to give Namjoon a kiss now too?” and Jin’s immediate, “NO!”

The noise jump starts your brain back into motion. You attempt to pull away from Taehyung, highly aware that your friends are subject to witnessing all of this, but he tugs you back, anchoring you to him with an arm wrapped firmly around your waist. The laughter from the laptop speakers turns into cries of outrage and then an abrupt return to silence with a click, and you realize that Taehyung must have closed his laptop, ending the Zoom call.

Looping your arms around Taehyung’s shoulders, you begin to respond to his kiss, eyelids fluttering closed. It’s new, it’s electrifying. But it’s also like something deep inside has finally clicked, like you’ve finally arrived. You’re home.

“Did you know?” you ask. “About me having feelings for you?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung admits. Heat rises to your cheeks at that, and you hide your face in his chest. Now that you don’t have to be seated on the floor to be in frame for the Zoom call, the two of you opted to move to the lumpy but still much more comfortable couch.

The gentle strokes of his hand in your hair is familiar and comforting, reminding you of the infinite patience he’s always shown to you. It’s a reminder that this is Taehyung. The boy you grew up with through thick and thin. Your best friend. And that gives you the boldness to continue despite your embarrassment.

“How? And when?”

“Honestly,” he trails off slightly, in thought, “I think it was Samantha who made me realize it.”

A pang of jealousy hits you. But you’re immediately wondering if it’s even warranted, now that you guys are… Well, what exactly are you? You make a mental note to clarify that.

“She was jealous, y’know,” he continues. “Didn’t want to say it at first, and tried to put up with it because she understood that our friendship is not something she could just expect me to give up.

“But it got to a point where things just couldn’t go on any longer. What she initially saw as discomfort that she would learn to overcome with time, soon became an awareness that the two of us were crossing the line of just friends, even if we hadn’t realized it at the time.”

Taehyung sighs, causing you to look at him. He smiles down at you, and skims your cheek with his thumb affectionately. “Maybe it’s because you’ve been here by my side all my life, that it was such a gradual thing and neither of us really realized it.”

“Yeah,” you mumble. “It was only after you began dating her that I realized how not okay with that I was. I thought it was just me being the possessive best friend trying to get used to having to share you. But then I realized I didn’t just want my best friend back. I wanted what she had.”

Swallowing hard, you remember the bitterness of the jealousy you felt back then, and that still recurs from time to time.

“What about you then? How did you come to recognize your feelings?” you ask.

“Samantha made me face up to them.” There’s a faraway look in his eyes. “One day she laid it all out, about us being more than just friends. And when I denied it, she asked me, would I choose you over her if I were forced into making that decision. The answer very nearly rolled straight off my tongue. And that was when I knew.”

“Is that why you broke up?” you ask. Taehyung nods. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, you silly girl.” He boops you on the nose. “I’m just thankful that Samantha was as understanding as she was about it. I think that’s why it took me a long time to get over it -- knowing that I’d hurt someone as wonderful as she is with my own blind ignorance.”

“And you too,” he says, leaning down to lay a soft peck on your lips. “I hated knowing that I’d hurt you because of my lack of awareness of my own feelings. That’s why I had to take my time this time around, to make sure that I know for sure.”

“Do you know for sure now?”

“Yes,” he says, holding your gaze with seriousness that has you swimming in its depths. “I’m yours now. Purely and fully.”

When you returned to your apartment the next morning, Irene was waiting to grill you on your whereabouts. It didn’t escape her notice that you hadn’t come back to the apartment the previous night, and she joked about how the vacant rooms in Taehyung’s apartment probably didn’t matter because you could always spend the night sharing his bed anyway.

And when you, blushing madly but holding your own nonetheless, informed her that she was right, well, you should have anticipated her squeals of excitement. “Tell me everything!” she had demanded.

You also should have anticipated the endless teasing that she would put the two of you through, especially in the Christmas season. After a trip out to the stores, finally taking a break from her Lifetime holiday movies marathon, she’d returned with copious amounts of mistletoe to hang all around the apartment, insisting the two of you make up for lost time.

But what Irene doesn’t need to know is just how much the two of you agree with her. Stealing a tiny sprig of mistletoe from around the house -- there’s so much that she wouldn’t even notice anyway -- you pack it into one of the clear baubles you’d bought for Taehyung’s Christmas present, nestling it into the box alongside the other clear baubles that were customized with pictures of the two of you.

#ficswithluv #bangtanhq #btswriterscollective #bangtanarmynet #btswritingcafe #bangtanfairygarden #btsbookclub #btswritersguild #taehyung x reader #taehyung fic #taehyung oneshot #bts x reader #bts fic #bts oneshot

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maxknightley · 6 years ago

Note

"Re: The third point, I could go on about the specific example of Dragon Quest and how I think Undertale works best when read as a response to that franchise + similar series in particular" do you think you could find the time to elaborate?

Fair warning. This one is a bit long.

Let’s talk about Dragon Quest.

Overview

The Dragon Quest series of games (originally localized as Dragon Warrior in the U.S. due to a copyright/trademark issue) is pretty much one of the “Big Two” JRPG franchises alongside Final Fantasy. It’s extremely big in Japan, while enjoying more moderate success in the United States.

I’m not going to go into too much detail comparing the two or talking about their history, but I think it’s relevant to note that Dragon Quest games tend to be straightforward, high-fantasy stories in a way that a lot of beloved JRPGs (Final Fantasy included) aren’t. You’ll fight a robot from time to time, but sci-fi elements beyond that are rare; explicit social commentary/allegory is extremely rare; the plot rarely becomes especially bizarre or complex, with the narratives tending to rely a lot on characterization to make an impact; and so on.

(I should note that none of this is a bad thing, per se - I love Dragon Quest games. DQ8 and DQ11 are some of my favorite RPGs of all time, in large part because of their gorgeous settings and excellent character work, and I’ve played a fair few!)

Monsters

With that being said, if you know anything about JRPGs, you probably know how the player spends most of their time in a Dragon Quest game - going from town to town and dungeon to dungeon, fighting a wide array of whimsical monsters. (big ups to Akira Toriyama for his excellent character designs, with the exception of the Cyclowns, which I hate a lot.) There’s sidequests and minigames and such, but by and large, this is how the player interacts with the world - find monsters, fight monsters, get strong enough to fight the Big Boy monsters, maybe halfway through you start fighting the occasional anime boy or possessed dog.

The role that monsters play in the narrative is also, for the most part, very simple: they’re almost exclusively the minions of either the local boss/miniboss, or of the big mean demon lord you fight at the end of the game, and pretty much all they do is terrorize villagers, cause mayhem, and so on.

Note that I said almost exclusively...

“Don’t worry, I’m a nice monster!”

...because in basically every Dragon Quest game, some monsters are chill and friendly. Most commonly, this will be a slime, the franchise mascot:

Sometimes they’ll show up at the bottom of a well and give you a trinket for talking to them, other times they’ll hang out in a dungeon and give you some lore or a hint about a nearby puzzle. They say a lot of things like “goo-ness gracious” and it’s very cute and charming, and, uh, hang on, these guys talk, and make puns, and aren’t just bags of XP and herbs? Okay. Sure.

Depending on the game, you can often encounter other monster friends as well. Sometimes there’ll be a town with friendly monster NPCs to talk to; other times, beating monsters allows you to recruit them to your party or your Monster Arena team. It’s neat.

But what never changes is that it’s some monsters that are nice. A tiny minority. And they’re only ever a curiosity, a side note. They’re the exception that proves the rule, and the rule wants to kill you.

Which brings me to:

The One Guy Who Isn’t Evil

There’s a thing that a lot of speculative fiction does where cultures are set up as broad and all-encompassing. These are the Primitive But Kind Bear Goblins, and over here are the Mafia Slugs. These are the Prissy Forest Guys, and they hate the Gruff Cave Guys.

This isn’t necessarily bad writing, but it can be a bit repetitive and one-note after a while, so a lot of speculative fiction also has The One Guy Who Isn’t Like That. The illogical robot, the pacifistic/intellectual barbarian, the pragmatic and materialistic guy who bailed on the monastery.

And, of course, The One Guy Who Isn’t Evil. The vampire who doesn’t drink human blood. The dark elf paladin. That one dragon from Skyrim with the cool speech. They’re very useful characters, in that they soften the Troubling Implications of an entire species or ethnicity of bastards, and there’s a lot of cool stories you can tell about their conflict with family and former friends, and perhaps even... with themselves... with the beast within.

At the core of these stories is the assumption that a creature capable of thinking independently and acting on their own free will can always choose to be good, regardless of their “nature.”

But this goes both ways. If something is capable of choosing to be “good,” or even “nice,” they have to be able to conceive of these concepts. To make that choice. They can’t truly be Made Of Pure Evil, or be beasts acting on instinct, or be slaves to the will of a much more powerful entity.

Are Slimes People?

So, in the example of Dragon Quest, we’ve reached a conundrum. Some monsters - very few, but some - are nice, or at least open to conversation. Most are only there to, pardon the phrasing, kill or be killed.

Which means there’s basically two main possibilities:

Some slimes are nice and they’re always already nice. They attacked you first so it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.

Slimes are definitely all thinking, feeling beings, and it’s probably a little fucked up to kill a bunch of them because you’re saving up money for the casino, even if they “attacked you first” after you spent a half hour running in circles, Erdrick.

The first one works fine for the context of a story like Dragon Quest, because we can employ suspension of disbelief. But it kind of unravels if you look at it for too long. In some installments, there are evil but non-hostile monsters who won’t attack you, but will deliver a whole little monologue about how cool Lord Merdur of Fort Finalboss is. And, hey, what causes a monster to decide to be nice instead of evil?

For the most part, we never learn, because it doesn’t matter. The Nice Monster is a throwaway character, usually a bit of a joke. They’re there for flavor, not because of what their existence implies.

And that’s kind of weird, right?

Undertale As Response

It’s obvious how Undertale works as a critique on level grinding and the like, but this alone would be kind of facile, imo. People will say, “well, that monster was trying to kill me, so I acted in self-defense. It’s only fair.” And it can be difficult to argue against this without getting into weird arguments about monsters’ Actual Motivations or the relative negative utility of thousands being imprisoned beneath a mountain vs. seven children being killed.

Here’s the thing that I think a lot of people ignore, though. Undertale is also a critique of the idea that Some Monsters Are Nice, as seen in Dragon Quest and similar games. And part of why that critique works is because it does not allow you to set up a dividing line. All those monsters have a place in Underground society - you can’t simply write some off as Fights while viewing others as worthy of kindness or redemption.

If you spare Toriel and Papyrus, because they’re nice and well-meaning... then how can you justify killing Undyne and Mettaton, who are kind of assholes, but have good intentions, and are pillars of the community?

If you spare Undyne and Mettaton, how could you justify killing Whimsun, who’s terrified of you? Or Temmie, who’s just kind of scatterbrained and weird? Or Snowdrake, who constantly tells bad jokes, just like your friend Sans would if you had to fight him?

So how could you justify killing Tsundereplane and Vulkin, so desperate for affection?

So how could you justify killing Muffet, so desperate to save her family and friends?

And so on, and so on, until we reach Moldsmal.

Oh! That One’s A Slime! Is Maxie Tying It All Together?

Trying to, anyway.

This is Moldsmal and Moldbygg. They’re called that because they’re Jell-O Mould monsters.

Moldsmal just kind of sits there, lazily firing bullets. Its description says it has “no brains.” If any monster is okay to kill, it’s this one, right?

Moldbygg pretends to be a Moldsmal, but is actually big. It also has explicit boundaries and preferences: It does not want to be hugged. You spare it by Not Hugging it. It’s goofy, but still: Moldbygg, explicitly, has thoughts and emotions.

And if it’s not okay to kill Moldbygg, how the hell are you going to justify killing Moldsmal? They’re both slimes! They’re practically identical! Maybe they have family reunions where instead of eating the Jell-O one of them just sits on the dining table! You don’t know!!

So Here’s My Thesis On The Morality of Undertale Or Whatever

Fundamentally, the commentary Undertale is making on the idea of the “nice monster,” the “recruitable monster,” the “monster town,” is this:

If one monster can be your friend, is there actually a reason all of them can’t be?

And it says “no, what, that’s dumb,” and I don’t think it’s wrong to do so. Viewing Undertale specifically with this additional context, of the weird push-and-pull certain RPGs have between “that’s a monster! kill it for loot!” and “okay well not that monster,” shores up the related critique of XP grinding by rooting it in a more specific moral core.

Anyway I hope that all made sense, I’m gonna go eat exactly one maraschino cherry and have a glass of water

#ask #anon #undertale #dragon quest #long post #this is a bit meandering but i hope y'all enjoy it regardless

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kythen · 7 years ago

Note

I am a big fan of your stories! :) Particularly the space krdi: can we get the BTS on it? The whens, hows, whys?

Thank you! I’m really flattered to hear that you’re a fan! ♡

Space kurodai, oh, space kurodai. The short of it was that I was possessed to write it. An otherworldly force gripped me and wouldn’t let me sleep for seven days and seven nights, the length of time it took me to write the original 3k fic.

The long of it was that I was stressed. I started writing as a way to deal with my emotions, when things got too overwhelming and I just needed some form of escape, and I still write when I’m stressed. My most productive moments for fics is when I have real life commitments, responsibilities, and obligations pounding at my door and asking for my life. (And now you know what’s up when I’m suddenly posting a heck lot of fics.) I sat down and wrote “another name for home” hunched over my phone (where most of my fics are written, until my ailing eyes and wrists pleaded for mercy) during hell week of one of my university semesters.

I usually don’t plan out my fics either, beyond a basic sketch of the plot, and “another name for home” was completely unplanned. I had no idea where I was going with this fic from the moment I put down the first words:

It’s Tuesday when Daichi sees the news, broadcasted all around him on screens and smartphones, in the air and on print. The breaking news of the day is a mission to deep space gone wrong, the entire crew sucked into vast space, gone. The ship’s name is Nekoma, just like the name of the hangar down on Earth next to Ukai’s, and the pilot’s name is Kuroo Tetsurou.

This fic was a ride I wasn’t in control of. I didn’t think the whole time I was writing it, I just wrote. I never thought I would write a space fic because it’s not a genre that usually catches my attention past the aesthetics of it. Some of the spacey things in the fic were loosely inspired by the news and the things I learnt in the space science modules I had to take for university as part of the graduation requirements because I didn’t really stop to research (because of time constraints and other real world responsibilities). There were a lot of things that kept the inspiration flowing, namely the quote in the summary and the piano version of “Goodbye to a World” on repeat.

Basically, I was possessed. “another name for home” had one of the strangest writing processes because all I can really tell you was that I was seized by inspiration, I sat down, I wrote, and when I came back to my senses, “another name for home” was complete.

Now, the sequel, “the spaces in between”, was a lot more tedious to write. I took a couple of months with this in between thesis writing. (Oh, Ky, you said you write when you’re stressed so if you took so long to write “the spaces in between” you must have been so busy with your thesis.) (Yes, person who got this far in this ask, I was indeed busy with my thesis. But I still write when I’m stressed and I need instant gratification and the pen is mighty and also a common metaphor for the two words that appeared before the word “mighty” combined into one and basically, I wasn’t writing “the spaces in between” then because I was writing Kurodai Kinktober for 28 days of my life with my metaphorical dick while writing my thesis.)

Anyway. Prior to accepting Sel’s (com)mission to write something more for space au, I already had ideas in mind for a prequel and sequel to “another name for home”. Part of why “the spaces in between” took so long to write was because I had to write while referencing events that had already happened in “another name for home” instead of starting with a blank slate like its prequel. Another reason was that I wanted to give heavy focus to the aftermath of the events in “another name for home” and how Daichi and Kuroo dealt with it. There was no way either of them was coming out of that unscathed so I wanted a lot of this fic to show the effects of PTSD on both of them. Compared to its prequel, I had to be a lot more careful with crafting this fic because of its role as a sequel and because of the topics in it. While “another name for home” was a whimsically written buildup of intense but tightly compressed emotion, I wanted “the spaces in between” to be wholly an aftermath and recovery fic, of breathing out after holding your breath for what feels like eternity and learning to breathe again.

(Oh gosh, this got long. Thank you for bearing with my rambles. I get really excited when I’m talking about my fics.)

[Ask me about my fics!]

#kurodai #replies

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lyzande · 5 years ago

Text

ebarg thoughts - my swan song

just some shitty thoughts that I need to vent

I honestly don’t know how to start this, or what even to write. Where should I begin? How should I spin this tale? What will the ending be?

I’ve been struggling with formulating coherent thoughts over the last few weeks and months, and honestly, I can’t be fucked to start pulling myself together. Putting aside my academic obligations, thinking itself - in a logical, calm, and sensible manner - has become a huge burden. Even with the academic strain, I have struggled to perform and study up to the standards that I should be performing at.

This year has been ridiculously tough on all of us. At the beginning of 2020, no one could have ever predicted the shitty predicament that we would be in, from the very first month of the year.

I have to say, it’s fucking shitty that I’m in this state of mind once again. I’ve worked so hard to pull myself together back in 2018, and honestly, I managed pretty well in holding myself together all throughout the year of 2019.

I suppose I should reflect on my mental state from the beginning. Honestly, I’ve been struggling with this bullshit internally for nearly seven years, by my most gracious estimate. Although, I hesitate in claiming anything since I have not been diagnosed or even talked to any mental health professional. But, you know, at the risk of misdiagnosis, I have done research, bounced ideas off of different sound boards, ie. the people who I value in my life, and their opinions thereabout.

Having established my fragile state of mind, things could only get worse by the end of 2017. In my third year of college, I was elected to be an officer of our mother org, which I had no experience in at all. It’s not a surprise that there were a lot of struggles that faced me, a lazy procrastinator with whimsical ideas about life who was suddenly handed the responsibilities of a secretary. I did my best, or so I’d like to think, but it wasn’t enough to meet the standards which I should have worked at. I failed. I’m not going to sugarcoat shit. I failed horribly. I tried to learn as best I can from my failures, and I’d like to think that I may have improved from that.

At the same time, by the end of the semester, I had failed one of my subjects due to my own irresponsibility. I really don’t want to get into it but I accepted everything that happened. It was one of the only times that I broke down in school. I remember, 2017 was the year that two of my dearest friends saved me. To this day, I still love them unconditionally because at my worst, they were there, and at my best, they were the reason.

Anyway, fast forward to mid-2018, the end of our third year in college. By that time, I had lost my love for our org and had started spending more time with another. Although I did not neglect my duties, I had only given the bare minimum. I struggled with a few but our efforts were not enough to salvage the dumpster fire that was our responsibility. Again, I learned and I promised to never make the same mistakes again.

Enter our fourth year of college. It was the year where we had to finish our thesis, finish our internship and pass our other academic requirements in order to graduate. On top of that, I was appointed as the managing editor of our college paper. I was elected into the minor position of PIO within out college subcouncil. I was elected to be the President of our University’s student volunteerism organization. I don’t know if I’ve stressed this enough but I was not a responsible student. I resented my course. I chose neither Accountancy nor Accounting Management, and out of spite, I neglected my academics.

I struggled with juggling my other responsibilities on top of trying to have a social life. So it was a month into our fourth year that I tried to kill myself. I have already been actively selfharming for a few months by then, and it all peaked when I has one shitty night, and I drank a betsin cocktail of my own making. But I was stupid and I didnt have nearly enough to even give me a stomach ache. I probably should have gone for an overdose or something.

But to my shame, I didn’t die. I dont think anyone even knew what I attempted. I was lucky. A few weeks later, we had a team building activity, which I attended with some of my closest friends. They saved my shitty self again that day. For the first fucking time, i saw what I’ve been blind to for such a long time. I had people that actually fucking cared about me. I could not lose them. I’ve pulled my shit together. A friend made me promise to stop selfharming, and honestly, I was pretty good at keeping that promise.

Fast forward to mid-2019, I guess. My family had already decided I was going to be enrolled into law school. I’ve been struggling with the idea, I was willing but I wasn’t quite sure. Nevertheless, I pursued it. It was an amazing first sem, honestly. I met a lot of great people. I made a new family. We all went through the same struggles and joys. It was a whole new unique experience. By this point, I was in a pretty good mental state. I was stable. I made a promise to myself that I’d actually be making an effort, academically-speaking.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. On top of the already harsh standards demanded by law school, there were external stressors. Everyone has struggles in law school. Everyone had their own problems. These were mine: family expectations, distorted self-worth and self-view, struggling social life, and I was missing my first family - my closest friends.

Fast forward again to 2020, and holy shit. What a fucking year. It isn’t even over yet. Taal volcano exploded. Tried to help around in the ways I can. Still studying diligently. Then covid happened. Quarantine and lockdown enforced. That was a whole other struggle. Everyone had to adjust to learning on their own and thru online means. Still, it wasn’t too bad. We missed each other’s company but we managed somehow.

Having been in a stable headspace for the past n months, I decided to get back into the dating and social scene. Being the haliparot that I am, I made landi like it was going out of fashion. It was fun. Met a few people, got watered, figuratively speakin, y’all know what I’m saying? But then fucking shitty people making shitty decisions. Engineers are ghosters, y’all can’t change my mind. Engineer, if you ever read this for some reason, fuck you. (but if you want, I’m still head over heels for you, you shitty fucking fuck)

ANYWAY. Around July or August, my mom got sick. She struggled with her health. Those few weeks that she was out of commission was tough. She’s the only person working in our household, so we all depended on her income. I wanted to drop out and work, because I needed to help my parents. But I kept studying because sayang naman daw if I wasted my time. Im a full time student, being supported by my family. They wanted me to focus on studying. So I did.

Then about a month or so ago, my dad got sick. He can’t get up without getting dizzy. At first it was just blood pressure issues, which became blood sugar issued but now, apparently, it’s some fucking brain issues. My cousins have been covering the medical expenses and honestly, we’re struggling so fucking hard to live right now. I really want to drop out of school and work, just so we can have stable income but with this shitty situation we’re in? holy shit

the past few weeks have been a struggle. academic burn out. social burn out. i’ve been contemplating selfharm again. i want to die. my body is giving up on me. everything is hurting. i cant talk to any of my friends because im scare. i know i can rely on them but im so fucking scared. im becoming naother huge disappointment. im falling into a pit of my own making. i dont know what to do. i cant focus on my studies. im performing subpar. i need to support my family. my social life is dead. my heart is broken. im doing my best but my best right now? it’s worth shit.

im trying to pull myself together but i dont know where im at right now

im trying to reach out but i know how much people are also struggling and i dont wanna take away their time and effort

trying to look for work but im abrely qualified

constant headaches and body aches

my heart is still crying for him

my soul is condemned to eternal suffering

our society is falling apart

our economy is fucked

history is repeating itself

politics is bonkers

people are dying

i dont know what the shit is oging on

i want to die

i want to live

i want to survive

i miss my friends

i miss my fmaily

im tired

im so fucking tired

i dont know what to do

i just want to die

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princepestilence · 7 years ago

Text

New Year’s Resolutions 2018.

There’s a lot I want to do with this year. It begins now.

Live a good life for yourself:

- work to a schedule: Monday to Friday are dissertation days. Get into the habit of working from nine to five during the week, and then cut off from the thesis. This thing can swallow up your whole life and your mind and pull everything into its orbit, if you’re not careful, and it gets heavy to have no time away from it and no time to do other things and enjoy life without feeling guilty for not working.

- aim to write 10,000 words for the dissertation a month. That’s about 330 words a day, which is nothing! Perfect is the enemy of good. Words on the page will always be better than words never written.

- turn electronics off by ten or ten-thirty every night. Be in bed by eleven. If you can’t sleep, you can read. (The kindle doesn’t count as electronics).

- read a book every week: using your evenings and weekends, you’re going to read a lot more. The goal is to read at least one non-thesis book a week.

- play games more often: using your evenings and weekends, you’re going to find more time to do things you enjoy, like playing games. Don’t forget they’re there! Do things that make you happy.

- aim to catch up with a friend every week: with everything that’s going on, there’s a chance things will get lonely (and stressful) if you’re not active in reaching out and keeping a social life going. If you can catch up with more friends than that, that’s great, but having a decent human conversation with at least one person a week will do you a world of good.

- write letters! You love writing letters, and you’re finding people to write letters to. Send twelve letters before the end of the year, not counting Christmas cards.

- use your nice things: this one you’ll do anyway, but just a reminder--keep doing it. Wear your nice things, use your best teacups, gets yourself the books you want to read. Every day is a special day.

- use your new commonplace book: every day, fill up one page.

- finish the Sunshine Times! It fell by the wayside towards the end of last year, but I want to get to the end of this journey. Aim for a letter a week.

- do well in the 3MT! This is more a half-yearly resolution, since it’ll be in about June or so, I think. But it’s not too early to start practicing. This year, I want to lose because someone genuinely was better than me, not because I was disqualified. (Ideally, though, I’d like to win).

- be more open with writing: talk to your friends, write for enjoyment and pleasure and your own satisfaction, relax. Don’t overthink it. Follow the ideas you’re excited about. Write drafts. Write really bad drafts, if you have to. Talk about and share other work you like with everyone. Gather up all the things you love and live in that space for a while each week. Then write all the strange, whimsical, pretentious, weird, eerie, bizarre, dark and sinister things you think you might want to write. You’ll be in good company. 2018 writing goals: have fun, be yourself.

- use the weekend for Japanese study: an hour a day, or more if you’ve got the time and inclination.

- finish a poem. It’ll happen when it happens, but still. The sooner you get the first one over, the sooner you can get the second one done with, and so it goes like that.

- work on the podcast: again, don’t overthink it. If you’re worried about how you’ll sound, practice recording more. You’re already good enough at what you need to be good enough at, but you actually have to do it before you can get better. By the end of this year, you’ll look back and go, “Wow, I made a podcast, how cool.”

- be more forgiving with yourself, for all things: your greatest weakness as a person is you see “weakness” in yourself as a personal flaw to be ashamed of and not a vulnerability to be extended compassion and understanding and support. You see it as an unreasonable deficiency of resilience rather than an aching, tender spot rubbed raw and left over from an unreasonable situation or experience. On your worst days, you would rather starve out a hunger than let it have what it needs. This has to stop. If you stepped on a thorn, would you blame your foot or the thorn for your limp? You need to look at yourself with the eyes and the heart you have for everyone else, because you’re only human, just like them. You’re one small monkey cousin living on a floating rock you barely understand and you’re not immune from being hurt. Be kind to yourself. Listen to what you want. Give yourself what you need. Let people know you and care about you. Don’t compare yourself to others. When you have moments of insecurity and self-doubt and darkness, it’s okay to ask for help. That’s allowed. There’s no shame in living imperfectly or in trying to get better: the only failure is giving up. You’ve never done that, so you need to start looking at your life from a view that admires what you have done instead of focusing on what you haven’t achieved yet. You can be ashamed of having your troubles, or you can be proud of living despite all of them.

#2018 resolutions

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tandlerovmusic · 8 years ago

Audio

Still working on that little tune I posted earlier this week. I’ve got some basic harmonization down (and when I say basic I mean ‘I don’t think I could properly analyze this even with my music degree’), but I’d love some input on which sort of medium to continue with. ‘Medium’ being the best word I could come up with for orchestration, since I seem to have gained a few followers and I don’t want to scare them off with theory-babble right off the bat.

So, I’ve got a couple of setups that I’m thinking of working with. I’ve done samples of all of them and glued those together into one big file (because yay the way tumblr does audio is really annoying as always), so you’ll be hearing the same tune five different times played by different instruments/groupings. I’ve listed them below for attempted clarity.

Just piano. This would normally be just what I’d go with, but I don’t have access to one right now, so writing in this way is going really slow. I did the harmonization that I’ll be posting later in some form just in Finale with the piano, and it took a couple of days of working in 10-20 minute increments (in between getting too frustrated or baffled to continue) for me to come up with, like, sixteen bars; or around 30 seconds).

Harp! This one I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to write for without the actual instrument at hand (although now I at least have a folk harp of reasonable size I can test stuff on). However, the harp has some bothersome limitations when it comes to changing keys, and what I have so far would likely prove impossible to play for that reason (if you’re interested in knowing why this is, just send me an ask. It’s a little long to be explaining in this list).

Small Ensemble. I was thinking of something quintessentially (stereotypical) Parisian. Possibly acoustic guitar, accordion, upright bass, harmonica, a few strings, and a piano. Not actually sure if I have a harmonica software instrument, but I definitely have an accordion. The problem with this setup is that I really play none of those instruments, and their capabilities aren’t really covered in most texts on orchestration, so I might end up with something unplayable without knowing it, which would be sad. However, I’ve had a bit of an experiment with this (both in my head and a bit on my computer), and I think it would sound cool.

Celesta. An instrument you have doubtless all heard, but don’t know anything about. Basically, it’s the instrument that plays that little chime-y theme at the beginning of the first Harry Potter movie. It’s built sort of like a cross between an upright piano and a glockenspiel, where the keys activate little hammers that strike a set of metal bars (I should point out that it sounds SIGNIFICANTLY less sharp than the glockenspiel). I really liked how whimsical this tune sounded when I translated it to the celesta synthesizer, I would just have to do a bit of tidying up of chords and such which could be annoying.

Some sort of proper orchestra. Starting with strings, obviously (which I have already had a bit of a go at). Working on this would be a little annoying (since I don’t have my second screen set up, and the big computer I used for my thesis has the new version of Finale installed on it and so is functionally useless (don’t even get me started on how much of a screw-up the new Finale is). I’ve already given this a bit of a go; and while it still needs some work, I think the little bit I’ve written so far is working out okay.

If you bothered to read all of this and actually listen to the whole thing (which I wouldn’t blame you for not doing because it’s repetitious), then let me know what you think sounds best. Ultimately that’s what’s going to decide which one I do.

#recordings #sketches #Les Normaux #jjknight #HOW DO I TAG AL SO THAT ITS OBVIOUS I COULDN'T FIND A GOOD TAG TO USE HELP #Think of this as one of those drawings where its the same image over and over with different color palets #there's probably a word for those but I don't know what it is #2017 #fan-work #wow that accordion synth nearly blew my head off when I first tried it I'm glad I turned its audio bank down #lol hello new people you made my phone blow up all morning and I figured I needed to do something with this today to say thanks

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souichipresents · 8 years ago

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Souichi Presents: [REDACTED] For Your Enjoyment

TKyahaha! Welcome, welcome back to Souichi Presents! YOUR the one stop shop for 90% Junji Itou based reviews, with a 10% error bar of “whatever thing with horror or monsters in it your humble author happens to have consumed recently.” AND TODAY IS NO DIFFERENT! With my triumphant return, I happen to feel like covering a unusual subject. Something distinctly less... picture oriented.

A little more paperwork oriented. Indeed, I speak only of....

THE SCP FOUNDATION

As far as horror online goes, the SCP foundation practically needs no introduction. The premise is full of delicious hooks: a government agency who’s sole job is to find, catalogue, and as needed isolate “strange thingS” in the world, to protect the common population from them. All of the main writing on the site follows the specific structure of in-fiction files, using structured forms and terminology. The subject matter can vary from the apocalyptic to abstractly innocuous, living humans to living... somethings.

Reading enough of them begins to paint a larger picture; other factions and groups involved with these items creations from the distinctly un-child friendly “Dr. Wondertainment” products, to the rich-catering dealers in terrifying strangeness Marshal, Carter and Dark.

The appeal to me of SCP is- well probably a little too lengthly for an introduction~ But in short, I actually adore the feeling of... mundanity they seem to contain. Minutia, tests, paperwork. Normal people working an incredibly terrifying, dangerous, strange job. I like when the things they find aren’t... necessarily made to be understood. Things in horror often feel like they’re MADE for you. A understandable story is presented to you.

But sometimes, you just have to appreciate the idea of something completely breaking our concept of reality as we know it and not giving a damn if it’s at all coherent. Fuck you, here’s a cows heart on crab legs that talks in a british accented word salad, and its trying to kill you. Horribly. Why? They have no idea. But they do know if they keep it in several feet of iron and concrete, and feed it a cow every few days, they can keep it’s hideous stinger away from YOU.

With all that said, I don’t want to tread old ground: Nobody needs to be told that the vending machine that dispenses increasingly obtuse snacks possibly from vastly different universes then ours is awesome. So instead I spent awhile hitting up the archive at random, selecting entries I feel represent my favorite concepts in the site that were *new* to me. Let’s see what I dredged from the archives on an absolutely forged security clearance starting with....

SCP 1860; “It’s Bleeding Song”

I’ll never say that an SCP *needs* pictures; in my opinion many, many entries fly on the strength of written descriptions. Besides which, if you recognize what a SCP’s image actually is (say, a decomposing whale) it can remove some of the punch. BUT I’ll say this one’s image really puts the hooks in, especially as soon as it becomes clear that it’s... not dangerous.

Instead, it’s just strange, and... sad. I find this sadder and more troubling then some of the more human SCP. Something about seeming ike a constructed item- about how it CAN communicate, but just doesn’t... care to? It leaves mysterious holes you can just glimpse pieces of a strange, sad story through. It also doesn’t have *too* much to it-really on the whole we’re seeing three ieas, and it sticks firmly to it.

Not to say there can’t be complicated SCPs, but it can get a little unwieldy. This is an example of an SCP with a strong thesis.

SCP 889; “Hybridization”

Once again this is a technically nonlethal item, but it’s also... much much more disquieting. Not just because of what it does, which is introduced hilarious DND style hybridization rules to the ‘real world’, but because it exists. It exists, and you have to think about the idea that someone MADE it.

Also whoever wrote this was a master of the backburner scare; dropping a detail in the containment procedure that doesn’t click until you’ve read a lot further down the page: “. If any prokaryotes are discovered exhibiting the effect of SCP-889, or if any staff members contract an unusual illness, SCP-889 is to be incinerated and sealed indefinitely. All staff members and equipment are to be decontaminated fully”

Prokaryotes, aka single celled organisms. That’s a fun thought. Super fun. Not the worst thing I’ve ever heard at all.

SCP 956; “The Child Breaker”

Alright so. I’ll be honest with you guys. I really just. Think a living pinat that beats people open till they launch candy made out of their organs to be deeply hilarious. That’s on me. In theory this is a stupid, stupid, goofy idea. But if you’ve read my reviews before you probably know that I adore horror letting it’s self be silly. Goofy, odd things can be more terrifying then ‘serious’ horror designs. If you need proof, just look at any ill designed inanimate object mascot for a local business.

But this one really shines because of one detail: the discovery that it has always been, when deactivating, turning to stare in the direction of the nearest elementary school. Just like that you experience a chilling snap from ‘silly’ to ‘horrifying’ that’s just delightful.

SCP 1075; “The Forest Formerly Known as Vince”

In contrast this SHOULD feel silly, but the deeper I went into it, the more it became... disquieting. It SHOULD be ‘heh, they think the tree is people’. But then there’s... details. Moments like the interview with the woman who is listed as the trees ex-wife where it’s not... even a HAPPY story. But it’s not grimdark or anything. It’s just... sad.

It settles. It settles in the seams of the SCP Foundation’s story structure. See I’m not a big fan of the entries painting the Foundation as EEEEVIL DARK etc. It’s just a government group trying to keep shit in control and... doing as well as any government enforcement could be doing. It’s up to interpretation, and for my part I’m 100% more interested in people doing their best and sometimes failing.

But they do fail sometimes. And there’s the big failures, or even the SCPs they’re just barely keeping in check, or can’t. But then there’s the seams of things that aren’t a BIG deal, necessarily. But you just feel... a little disquieted. I like the texture on this one.

SCP 1319; “The Split-Up”

This might be one of my current favorites just because it raises so, so, so, so, so many questions. What exactly does this MEAN for the world? For... all humans? Why then? Why?

You really feel like workers at SCP had plenty to be afraid of without worrying that THIS could happen.

SCP 1160; “Effective Containment”

Considering how much containment features into the SCP, I’m surprised I don’t see more entries using them for this kind of subtle ‘punchline’. Overly wrought containment bounces my eyes right off the whole entry. It’s where you have to throw your hooks, and get someone interested in an item they haven’t seen described yet- or at least make it brief enough that a reader gets to the main jist of the story fast.

But this- this is beautiful. A perfectly executed example of a totally neutralized SCP. And what makes it so, so very satisfying is that after so many SCPs able to cause so much injury and chaos and confusion this feels like revenge. Not bloody revenge. No, a far finer vengeance: the vengeance of sheer indignity.

SCP 1589; “Roman Anthropophagus”

Along with a fascinating idea, this is one of those entries that clearly sets up a little more about the world SCP takes place in. It makes it clear- these things have been going on a long, long, long time. And not all of them come from places OUTSIDE of humanity. Maybe even... not as many of them as we think.

SCP 252; “Humboldt Squid’

This I just love because it’s one of the entries that doesn’t over-sell the Foundation. It can get a little tiring if they’re always flawless perfect super agents. Sure they’re professionals. But sometimes, just sometimes, someones gonna make a mistake.

And get fooled by a squid. Kinda hard to blame them. If something seems like it’s going to kill you in SCP, 9/10 times you’re probably right....

SCP 2188; “Life and Times of Joaquín Pablo Izquierdo de San Felipe”

It’s not that I didn’t expect to find this kind of story on the SCP Foundation site. It’s that I never expect to find this kind of story. This ranks up with... well. Stories from Mr. Ito like Blood Sickness of the White Sands Village, or Second Hand Record. Stories like Mushishi. They feel unsettling, and stick faintly to the inside of my minds eye. But they also feel... as if you were holding a piece of thread between your hands, and pulled it as tense as you could- that feeling. That tension, that fragility.

There are stories that are frightening, but also feel like tears gathering just under your eyelids, when you’re not sure why.

What can I say about this SCP? What a strange concept; what a powerful story. Of any SCP I’ve seen this may be the most literaly and successfully *whimsical* in a very sincere way. It may be one of the only entries I’ve seen that makes me really, genuinely feel the humanity behind the SCP foundation. It’s a shock of genuine sincerity and craft.

I love a lot about the SCP foundation; And I like the dryness, the bureaucracy, the shocks between the oddball and the profane, terror and technicality. But I think having a few stories like this is alright. Every now and then.

That’s all I have for this week, my friends. I’m hoping to resume normal production now! We’ll see how that goes, but I can promise I’ll always come back to Souichi Presents. Even Tomie.

Because as always, Souichi Presents... will return.

#The SCP Foundation #SCP #scp foundation #horror review #horror #souichi presents #injury warning #unreality warning #child death warning #death warning #body horror warning #unsettling animal breeding practice warning

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