#and two months later still nothing. i've tried calling them and emailing them. nothing

[aku-zone]

One thing that scared me of moving out (besides the insane rent prices and epidemic of shitty landlosers) was always (for some reason) having to buy groceries on my own. I literally don't know why i go grocery shopping on my own all the time already. And besides most grocery stores have delivery options these days. Anyways this is so embarrassing to admit but whatever maybe someone else has this too and feels less alone now

[ninupi]

Hii, can I request headcanons or fic for Mitsuya with a model reader?

crush? | t. mitsuya

₊˚⊹♡ tags; fem!reader, finale timeline so spoilers? mitsuya being a absolute sweetheart as usual, also him struggling a bit as a new designer lol, this is a slowburn ngl...y/n overthinking towards the end

₊˚⊹♡ wc; 3,500+

₊˚⊹♡ a/n; this was a bit vague so I wasn't too sure what you wanted exactly, I didnt mean for this to be so long but then I just kept writing and it became a lot longer then I anticipated LOL also ill probably rename this later, i never even know what to name some of these sometimes

Mitsuya threw down all the photos of headshots his assistant had brought him to look through "This is it?" he sighed rubbing his eyes tiredly. The girl stumbled around a bit "Uh yes sir, that's all of the models...you don't see any you like?" she questioned a bit frustrated.

"I'm sorry, but no, none of them have what I'm looking for exactly..." he sighed, standing up and picking up a headshot of a young man. "None of them? Like not a single one?" the girl questioned, a bit shocked. Mitsuya only shook his head while pacing around. 

"Well, I don't mean to step on your toes or anything, sir, but the show is in two months, and we need to start booking models..." she muttered, looking through her emails, hoping to see a response. You can call Hakkai, and I'll choose some of the people here, but give me a few more days to pick someone for the main piece."

Mitsuya ran a hand through his hair, softly pulling at the roots in frustration. He had someone specific in mind for the main piece of the show. Unfortunately, Okamoto, his assistant, was unable to book you. They didn't even receive an email back from your manager.

Mitsuya knew it'd be a miracle if he were able to book you for his show but he still tried. But now that the odds weren't in his favor he had to find a new model for the face of the show, he could just go with Hakkai. He wasn't too sure Hakkai wanted to sport a dress on the runway though...

You watched from the corner of your eye as your manager angrily swiped through her tablet, hundreds of emails in the reflection of her glasses. You went to say something when you felt a tug on your hair "Could you be a bit more gentle?" you muttered getting fed up, that was the sixth time this stylist had tugged on your hair in the last twenty minutes.

You didn't say anything when he softly apologized while continuing to do your hair in a crazy updo for your upcoming photoshoot. "Are you ok over there? You look like you're about to throw that thing" You call out to your manager who's now angrily typing away on her tablet.

"You would think after sending 15 emails and not receiving a single one back this person would stop emailing me about you," she muttered with furrowed eyebrows, who the hell was blowing up your manager about you anyway? You had just started seriously modeling this year and you've been very successful but you didn't think you were that desired by some people. 

"Who is it? What's it for?" you question now really curious about this person's persistence while shifting in your seat. "I don't even know, it's to walk at some small runway show, nothing worth your time." She sighs lifting her glasses to rest on the top of her head. 

You had only walked a few runways, and each time it was a bit chaotic but you had lots of fun "Oh really, who's the designer? I wouldn't mind doing another runway!" your manager looks at you a bit shocked while you smile at her innocently. 

She quickly recuperates and walks over to you holding out her tablet "He's a small upcoming designer, Mitsuya Takashi? I've never heard of him personally but Hakkai Shiba walks at almost all of his shows." She explains while swiping through some of his designs. 

"No way! I love his clothes, why didn't you tell me sooner?" you whine looking at all the emails his assistant has sent your manager over the last two weeks. You feel yourself basically shaking in excitement at the thought of walking for one of your new favorite designers. 

"I didn't think you even knew who he was, I didn't until I got her emails!" she explains pointing at the tablet in your hands, and to give her credit you had just discovered the upcoming designer recently. 

One of the other models at a photo shoot you were at was wearing a beautiful dress and when you asked her where she got it, she explained that Mitsuya had made it for her as a thank-you for modeling for him. Not only was the man extremely talented, but he also seemed really kind. 

You had always searched for his clothing at any store you had gone to, you never had any luck though. You were thinking about reaching out to him yourself but lately, your schedule has been extremely busy. This was the perfect opportunity you were searching for. 

"Tell him yes, anything he wants, yes I'll do it! If I have stuff scheduled when he needs me, cancel it!" you smile handing your manager her tablet back and standing up seeing now that your hair is done. "B-but what about the shoot with miu miu?" your manager sputtered quickly following behind you.

"Cancel it!" you smile closing your dressing room door in your manager's face. 

When Okamoto barged into Mitsuya's office sputtering about booking you he thought she was crazy. But when she showed him the email from your manager stating you agreed to walk the runway in his clothes he almost passed out. He immediately started stitching together your dress, too excited to sleep even though it was already past midnight.

Now two weeks later, he was almost done with the piece just having to add the tedious details and fix some stitching here and there. But it was also the day you'd come by for the first fitting and be meeting mitsuya for the first time. 

To say he was nervous was an understatement, he kept pricking his fingers while working on the other pieces for the show and stumbling over stray rolls of fabric. He didn't even realize the time until Okamoto came in telling him you'd be there in an hour, he quickly started to clean his office not wanting you to see the chaotic room. 

When he finally finishes cleaning the room he looks around for any stray items lying around. Not seeing a single thing hethrew himself onto his chair when a big sigh, he knew you should be here any moment. He was so nervous he keptthinking about what he'd say to you when he finally met you. 

"Thank you so much for accepting...no thank you for giving me the opportunity...no..." he sighed still not able to think properly when he heard his office door open. Quickly standing up he dusted himself off and watched as you and your manager walked in talking to Okamoto. 

"Yeah I was so jealous after she told me he had custom-made it for her, I was tempted to steal it from her dressing room when she wasn't there!" Mitsuya watched you as you laughed while readjusting your purse on your arm, he doesn't think he's seen a more beautiful woman. 

You were wearing a simple outfit, a black long-sleeve turtle neck, some dark-washed jeans, and a pair of black boots. It was nothing special but Mitsuya thought you looked amazing, he couldn't even bring himself to say something when you looked at him. 

"Oh my god, it's so nice to finally meet you! I've been waiting for this day since Saki told me about this!" you exclaimed briefly motioning over to your manager but quickly making your way to Mitsuya shaking his hand. He could only smile in response a little too shocked to say anything at the moment. 

"Really? I didn't even think you knew who I was..." he awkwardly laughed while shaking your hand "I just discovered you recently from Momo? I'm sure you remember her, you made her that gorgeous custom dress! I've been searching for some of your pieces in stores but I've had no luck" 

Mitsuya was loss for words the more you kept talking, you knew who he was? And you were on the hunt for some of his clothing on your own time? Not even saying anything he immediately bowed at a 90-degree angel "Thank you so much, you don't know how much that means to me, seriously" 

You immediately begin to panic "What? What do you mean I haven't done anything!" you say while bringing him up by his shoulders "You agreeing to model my clothes is good enough, you're a very sought-after model y/n. You wearing my clothes is bound to help me take off as a designer so I thank you." 

You can feel your face flush a bit, you've never had someone be so sincere to you in this industry before. Now you realize you've made a great choice by agreeing to model for Mitsuya, you hope you can continue to work with him in the future. 

"Ok let's get to work before you make me cry or somethin'.." you softly joke taking off your bag and handing it to you Saki "Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to- ok yeah let's get to work!" Mitsuya stumbles putting his glasses on and grabbing his sketchbook.

"You can take a seat over there if you'd like" Mitsuya motions over to a couch in the corner of his office when he notices your manager aimlessly standing around "Oh thank you, do you mind if I make a few calls and whatnot?" she sighs taking a seat with your stuff. 

"No of course not, if you need anything just ask me or Okamoto" he waves off now walking over to you "I actually already started working on the piece if you'd like to see it? Or even try it on?" he mutters flipping through his sketchbook"Of course I'd like to try it on!" 

The rest of the day was spent talking and getting to know each other while Mitsuya tailored the dress to fit you better and went over the rest of the look with you. He also asked for your input and what you thought would look good or what you'd like to wear, you could help having a small crush on the man after leaving his office that night. 

It's now been two months since you and Mitsuya first met and you two have gotten a lot closer since that day. Some nights after you've finished with your fittings for other designers you'd invite Mitsuya out for dinner, wanting to talk the man more.

And if you two weren't out for dinner you were constantly texting, but now that his show is this weekend you haven't heard much from him. You weren't too surprised you imagined he was extremely busy trying to finish the last details for the show and whatnot, but you had to admit you missed him. 

You just finished with a small photoshoot for a magazine when you checked your phone and saw that he still hadn't responded to your message from this morning. "Loverboy hasn't answered you?" you turn to glare at Saki who ignores you while packing up your stuff. 

"I told you to stop calling him that…but no he hasn't answered" You sigh grabbing your bag from her arm and begin to walk out of the studio "Do you want to stop by his office?" you almost trip when walking down the stairs "What? We can't just stop by his office like that, he's probably really busy!"

Saki only shrugs her shoulders while opening the door to the building allowing you to go first "Why not? You can bring him a coffee or something, I'm sure he'd appreciate it" You bite your lip contemplating it a bit, you really did want to see the man but you also didn't want to bother him if he were busy. 

"Ok yeah let's go, but we have to get coffee from the place by his office, he really likes that place!" you explain while getting into the back of the car with Saki who playful rolls her eyes "Yeah I know you've only told me a thousand times how much he likes that place."

Now standing outside of Mitsuya's office with his and your order in one hand and a box of pastries in the other you wonder if this was a good idea. You two had hung out plenty of times but you'd never shown up at his office unannounced and you hoped your sudden arrival didn't annoy him. 

Before you can even think about turning around his office door opens and you see a beautiful girl walking out on the phone. She doesn't notice you at first too immersed in her conversation but when she does she gives a look of confusion and then goes wide-eyed. 

"Are you here for Takashi?" at first you thought she was one of the other models walking in his show but when she refers to him by his first name you begin to doubt it. Who exactly was she? Mitsuya never mentioned a girlfriend before or anything similar. 

"Yazuha can you go to the bakery down the street and get us some stuff?" you hear someone call from Mitsuya's office making the girl roll her eyes. "Actually it looks like someone is here for Takashi" She then motions for you to walk into the office as she continues her way out the door still on the phone. 

When you walk in you see Mitsuya looking in your direction with a confused face which quickly morphs into a smile "Y/n! What are you doing here?" he quickly makes his way over to you grabbing the sweets and drinks out of your hand and placing them on his desk. 

You quickly glance over the man standing in what you assume will be his runway outfit and back towards Mitsuya "I just wanted to see you, plus you never answered my messages. So I thought you could use some fuel or whatever…I didn't think you'd have other people over I should've gotten more" 

You begin to look through your bag for your wallet going to ask the other man what he'd like "Don't worry about it y/n, I'm sorry for not answering your messages I've been finishing up Hakkai's piece all day. I'm almost done, if you want we can all go grab dinner together or something?" 

You didn't even realize he was leading you to sit over on the couch until you were seated "Oh uh- ok yeah that's fine with me" Then it hits you that you didn't even introduce yourself to the other person in the room. 

"I'm so sorry I'm y/n, I guess we'll be walking in the show together it's nice to meet you" You smile up at the very tall man who just turns away from you with a blank look on his face. What the hell was his deal "This is Hakkai, he's not good at talking to girls so don't take offense. And the girl outside is his sister, Yazuha, I've known both of them since middle school."

You watch Mitsuya continue to work on a few pieces of Hakkai's suit while the boy doesn't say anything just then Yazuha walks back in "Don't bother talking to that guy, he can't talk to girls" You turn to her with a small smile while Mitsuya softly laughs "Yeah Mitsuya's already told me, I'm y/n it's nice to meet you" 

Unlike her brother Yazuha has no problem talking to you "Yeah I know, who wouldn't? You're like one of the top models right now, I thought Takashi was lying when he said he booked you." she muttered while shaking your hand. 

"Ah I'm so glad Okamoto reached out to my manager, it's been so nice working with Mitsuya I hope he and I can keep working together in the future!" You hear Mitsuya curse a bit under his breath "Are you ok Taka-Chan?" you turn and watch as Mitsuya nods sucking on his thumb.

"Y-yeah just pricked my finger a bit, but yeah I've really enjoyed working with you too y/n…" he smiles, and you note his ears are red. You return a bashful smile and turn back towards Yazuha who's giving you a smug look "Right…well if you start working with Takashi a lot then you'll be seeing us a lot too so let's be good friends" 

You've always had after-show jitters but right now you feel like your heart is going to explode out of your chest. The show went great but before the show, you barely had any time to actually talk to Mitsuya, just a quick prep talk and good luck. But right before the show actually started he had told you to immediately find him afterwards. 

You wondered the entire time what is it that he wanted to talk to you about, then you wondered what he'd have to say about your walk. What if he hated it and never wanted you to model for his clothes ever again? You didn't even notice when he knocked on your dressing room door, too preoccupied with your thoughts. 

You only realized he was there when he gently opened the door "Y/n? Are you in here?" you quickly walked over to the door opening it the rest of the way "Oh I'm sorry I wasn't sure you were in here" you notice he has a big bouquet of flowers and an even bigger gift bag in his hand. 

Unable to say anything you just pull him into your dressing room and close the door "Sorry I didn't hear you knocking on the door" you mutter turning to look at him. He doesn't say anything and neither do you for a while until he holds out the bouquet "These are for you…"

You take the flowers from him and notice their your favorite flowers in your favorite color. You also notice how nicely they're wrapped, they had to be really expensive "Mitsuya, these are gorgeous…thank you so much." 

He only shrugs with a shy smile on his face "I wanted you to have something nice… I-I did my best to wrap them but I've never done it before so I'm sorry if it looks a bit sloppy…" He rambles while gently grabbing them from your hands and setting them down. 

You couldn't believe that he took the time to wrap the flowers himself, they look professionally done. You couldn't even deny it anymore if you wanted, you've totally fallen for Mitsuya. He's been nothing but good to you since you first met and watching the way he treats his friends and other models shows that he's just a great guy. 

"Mitsuya they're gorgeous, they look perfect seriously, thank you so much for these." you mutter still admiring the beautiful bouquet "Oh well I'm glad you like them, I also have this for you…" he whispers placing the huge gift bag on a chair in the room leaving you to open it.

You wonder what can be in the bag, it's massive but when you peek inside the bag you don't really see much. Turning to him to give him a suspicious look he just shrugs his shoulders with a cheeky smile "Open it" Turning back towards the bag you pull out the tissue paper. 

At first, you just see some fabric but when you pull it out you notice it's a gorgeous dress. Looking at all the intricate details you're lost for words "Do you like it..?" you hear Mitsuya ask while he walks up closer to you "You made this for me?" 

You turn towards him now holding the dress close to your chest as if he just threatened to take it from you "Yeah I made it last week, if you don't like something I can- No!" he looks at you wide-eyed at your interruption "Sorry but no Mitsuya it's- it's…I seriously don't have words I can't believe you made this for me?" 

He can't help the cocky grin on his face "I'm so glad you like it…" Then you notice his smile falter a bit "Would you like to wear it tonight to dinner…" Was he asking you out right now? Like a real date? "With me I mean" he quickly clarified seeing your blank look.

You seriously wanted to jump for joy but decided against it to not embarrass yourself "Like just you and me…? No Yazuha or Hakkai?" you don't want to get your hopes up too soon "Yes y/n just you and me, no Hakkai or Yazuha, just us. Like a date" he softly laughed walking towards you grabbing one of your hands. 

You got one little hop in before you stopped yourself "S-sorry I'm just really happy right now" you explain when he gives you a funny look "But yes, I'd love to go on a date with you Mitsuya" you mutter now too shy to look him in the eyes.

"Ok great, I'll wait outside for you then we can go" he smiles softly rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb "Ok I'll get dressed right now!" you laugh gently pushing him out of your dressing room and quickly grab your phone to tell Saki she can leave without you. 

[oceangirl24]

Next Saudade chapter coming soon.

It's been a while. 😬

Life hasn't slowed down and my writing time is still limited. These chapters also take significantly more time to craft properly so realistically new chapters will be every two months, unfortunately.

And I've been in a slump due to somethings I've noticed recently that have really gotten to me, tbh.

Over the past year or so I've run into Jon and Shawn stories that are really good, and I've dropped a comment with replies from the authors telling me how much they love my story. Then they take an element from mine they like and do their own version. Which is cool, but then they never comment on my work. Rarely a kudos. No bookmarks. Silence.

This has been happening more and more.

I'm still dealing with the fallout from the 16-month ordeal with MrsFizzle/Kaylie Night, so I tend to be very guarded and defensive. I know most people are just writing only focused than whatever has their attention atm and aren't paying attention to how the way they present things may come off to others. But I've been reading more and stories that make me wonder- have they read AiP because...and later it becomes clear that yes, they have. But there is zero interaction with my work. Not even a kudo. All while wanting engagement on their work.

The worst of it has been very recent. I opened a new story that sound very similar to MrsFizzle story and then I got to the AN and found this:

Wow. Admittedly, I was stunned and hurt to see this. Given the MrsFizzle situation I jumped to worse case scenario- they're setting up to do the same thing she did only out right denying everything from the start. I mean, why else would you put this down?

I'll be honest. I blocked and muted all new J&S writers because I was so hurt. I don't understand why I was being treated like this when I've tried so hard to be welcoming and encouraging. I did lift those blocks and mutes because I decided to sit things out instead. I don't have much time to read and decided to give that time to authors I know appreciate it.

But this note just ate at me. Honestly, it made me want to disengage altogether and not even open new stories anymore.

I did eventually talk to the author and I am trying to believe what they told me- they just didn't put much thought into their ANs and it never occured to them that it would be seen as hurtful and throwing shade. But like I've said before I'm still struggling with trust and there were several things that made me wary, especially the explanation for the comment about the remark about what my story and username are "currently called", but I'm hoping it's just a funky wording.

But...

You know what they admitted to?

They have read AiP and they like it.

Did they tell me on AiP? No.

Did they leave a kudos? No.

Did they bookmark or sub? Not that I know of.

Do they want others to do all those things for them so they will be encouraged to keep writing? 10000000%

At least they deleted the AN. But still no kudos, no comment, nothing.

I do want to be everyone's cheerleader, but you can only pour out encouragement on others for so long before you have nothing left.

At the same time, I have several J & S stories on my bookshelf along with a few Topanga ones that I need to sit down and comment on by trusted authors and my rec list needs to be update. I still want to support fandom writers, I just need to recharge.

On that note, I am editing the next chapter which is a flashback to the Pink Flamingo Kid. I'm shooting for a March 31st update, but if you get an email on April 1st, it's not a joke, I just got delayed...again. But the update is real! lol

Many, many thanks to everyone who has been with me and reading and following along. I love you. Here's a sneek peek:

Then the Game began.

It was a surreal shift. As often as Shawn joked that living with Jon was like living in the Twilight Zone, this time if felt more like Doctor Who where they slipped into their past and were left there. Everything reverted to the way it was before Audrey became Jon’s student teacher, including the way they related to each other. Jon was not dad, roommate, brother, or uncle but something weirdly in between. Shawn was not his kid, but his student, charge, nephew, that kid he was taking care of. What the role he was depended on the situation they found themselves in.

The shift caused an imbalance in their relationship both at school, where they mostly ignored each other until Shawn did something Jon couldn’t ignore, and at home where there was constant snarking and petty arguing. Shawn should have been grateful for the shift as it made convincing those around him that he really did want to be with Chet easier, but it was hard to feel grateful for much of anything when it felt like he was trapped in a bad TV show.

One night after dinner Shawn immediately went to his room, even though the Rangers were playing, and Jon was watching the game. Hockey had lost its appeal since that was their thing back when they were father and son. As he lay on his bed staring at the ceiling, resenting everything and everyone, his gaze wandered to the posters on the wall where the calendar caught his eye.

A funny feeling settled in his stomach when he saw the date.

Chet’s birthday was tomorrow.

Shawn sighed and put his hands over his eyes as he thought about Jon’s birthday in January and the day Audrey had arranged for it: a day of stick and puck for them and a night of food and a hockey game at Jon’s favorite places in the City.

That night was ingrained in his memory as it was the first time in his life he’d done something normal for a dad’s birthday. No retrieving beers all day and then having to explain to the neighbors why Chet was standing in their yard in his boxers yelling at Virna who hadn’t been seen all week. No having to listen to confessions of crimes that might or might not have been true. No being screamed at for existing because an all-day bender had reminded Chet of how much better life was before wife and kids.

At the thought of having to go back to beer-soaked birthdays, Shawn muffled a scream in the sleeve of his shirt then rolled over, grabbed his headphones, and turned up the volume. While The Counting Crows’ Time and Time Again played, he fell asleep daydreaming up ways to convince himself that Chet was better than Jon. But the hope that Audrey would return refused to submit to the new story he created.

In the living room the hockey game played but no one was watching it.

Across the apartment from Shawn, Jon was sitting on the fire escape outside his bedroom window looking at the stars while Springsteen’s Night played on the boombox next to him. Hockey had lost some of its appeal since it had become his thing with Shawn. Not to mention the lockout had shortened the season and it was almost certain that Nordiques and Jets were a thing of the past if the teams moved south in the summer.

Everything was changing and Jon resented it.

Hockey should be the one constant. The school board had no right to ruin his life and Bettman had no right to ruin his sport. He let his mind linger on this for a while until he stopped thing about hockey and focused on the music.

“…You get up every morning at the sound of the bell. You get to work late and the boss man's giving you hell. 'Til you're out on a midnight run losing your heart to a beautiful one…

And you know she will be waiting there, and you'll find her somehow you swear. Somewhere tonight you run sad and free until all you can see is the night…”

He wasn’t trying to convince himself of anything. He was just trying not feel anything anymore.

[sassypotatoe1]

Look when I was still studying media and communication with the goal of becoming a journalist I had very set ideas of what kind of journalist I would become. I was going to be a huge investigative reporter for a national or perhaps even global newsroom. I would never do sport, entertainment would be boring and I would never do obituaries.

I interned with and published under a national newspaper during my postgraduate honors degree in journalism, and I did investigative reporting. I only interned for a month, but I reported on under-the-counter sales of controlled substances being used irresponsibly for the treatment of covid 19, when there was no evidence supporting the substance in question for treatment of even viral infections in general, nevermind covid 19.

I wrote about the government defunding of early childhood education, and I wrote about the riots upon the arrest of Jacob Zuma. I was doing exactly what I dreamed about, I was covering hard news, doing investigative work, and I was publishing under an extremely prestigious newspaper.

Then the month was over, and I fell into crisis. Both my mental and physical health crashed, I tried to kill myself, and I was dissociating so much, for such long periods of time, that I didn't know what I was doing at all for 90% of the time. My friends had to accompany me everywhere, I had to sit on zoom calls with classmates while working on my academic work, my roommate had to hold on to all my pills and give them to me when it was time to take them, and my psychologist had to email all my professors and my dissertation supervisor to get me extensions on my assignments and time off for at least two weeks.

I had to take almost an entire year after graduating to recover, and during that time I reassessed my goals and dreams. When I was sufficiently recovered and felt I could handle life again, I started applying for jobs. I went to my psychiatrist (which I started seeing after graduation) and when I came back the local community newspaper was stuck in our gate. It was pouring rain, but I parked my car, got out, fetched the newspaper and went inside.

I had no luck on getting a full-time job for around a month (I was working extremely flexible hours for an international education news platform in the meantime), so I figured it wouldn't hurt to look for a job to do in the classifieds. Then, there it was. Vacancy: junior journalist, deadline for CV submissions 31 October. I felt like it was a sign. Back then I was still somewhat religious. I submitted my CV as an afterthought in the morning, got called the afternoon to schedule an interview, had the interview two days later and was hired within a week.

At first I was fully intending on using this opportunity to gain a few years' experience for a more prestigious job. Community news is not my thing, I'm an investigative journalist, I'm going to get a pulitzer one day. Then I worked for a few months. Sport is actually fun, entertainment makes the best photos, crime and politics are depressing and stressful, and obituaries are the most beautiful and impactful things one can write.

I mean obituaries are still depressing and sad, I'm writing one now and it's terrible, but there's something so fulfilling in writing about a deceased person the way their loved ones saw them, and the loved ones finding closure through your writing. Nothing else I've written has ever been as meaningful as an obituary or a profile on an amateur in a sport or the arts going to nationals or world championships.

I have the years experience needed to get that prestigious job now, and I'm paid so shit in my current role that I could really do with applying for those prestigious jobs, but I've never felt like I belong somewhere nearly as much as I do now. It's stressful, it's not perfect, the public can be difficult and you deal with them much more directly than at a national newspaper, the workload is much higher because I'm the only journalist for the entire town, but the protests I cover now are 30 people with cardboard signs dancing in front of an institution's gate, not mass food drives to feed communities where riots destroyed all the stores and markets. The crime I cover now is factories storing and distributing expired goods, not a murder suicide.

And the best part? I still make a positive impact through my work. I don't need to burn myself out so severely that I attempt suicide to make a difference. I can interview a homeless painter and put a picture of his mural in the paper, and he'll get commissioned by schools and businesses and rise out of poverty. I can make a difference in one person's life at a time, and it can be enough. And the things I thought I'd hate and refuse to do can be the things I grow to love more than anything.

[ozma914]

Ghost In the Publishing Machine

Some time ago, I was ghosted by one of the biggest publishers in the business.

Or maybe not. What do I know?

I submitted a romantic comedy novel to a publisher that has a name similar to one of Batman's villains. There, that won't give it away.

Some people differ on how author-friendly the publisher is, but ever since I started writing romance, I've wanted to write for them. That would be sometime in the early 90s. Before that I was writing science fiction and action/adventure, which I still am, and there I'm still having the same publishing luck.

But by then I had a track record of published novels. I also had a great story with a good title, "Fire On Mist Creek". Or a good story with a great title. I think it's a great title. Is it? It doesn't matter, because Harl--the publisher usually changes the name before publication, anyway.

(And they'd also change my name to a more feminine one, which I don't have a problem with. Maxine Hunter? No? Okay.)

I sent off a query letter, an outline, and the first few chapters of the story in--wait for it--2018. ("Wait for it" is practically the theme of this story.)

Just two months later, which is five hours in publishing time, an editor wrote back and requested a full manuscript! This is a Big Deal. The average traditional publisher receives so many queries that if they aren't occasionally rejected by the dump truck load, they collapse the building.

Then I heard nothing.

For years.

"And this is when I stopped hearing from them."

I sent a "nudge" a year later, and another one two years after that. Nudges are when desperate writers, who at this point want ANY news, gently ask for such news while groveling as much as possible. After the second nudge, I finally got a reply.

They'd lost my manuscript.

So they asked for it again, in early 2021, and I was happy to oblige. A little over a year later, I sent another nudge. And another. I don't feel like going back to count, but I sent several.

I went back to count: It was four. No one wants to annoy an editor, but I started including other people from that particular line, assistant editors and such. By the time I gave up, I'd shotgunned about six different people in my pleas, which had turned from "Like me!" into "At least put me out of my misery!"

When a writer is waiting to hear back on a book submission, the best thing they can do is work on another book. This I did, but there was a thriller-level twist: As I plotted it out, I realized it could easily fit into the Mist Creek world I'd developed. I a huge fan of series. Serieses. Seriez? Serii? Anyway, my Storm Chaser series is a series. That's why I call it a series. So I wove this one into the Mist Creek community.

Then, the next year, my wintertime depression was hitting me pretty good, so I decided to cheer myself up by writing a Christmas romance. Set in Mist Creek. So I did.

So now, with the first book having not sold, I have a series. Most romance publishers love a good series, but they prefer to approve the books individually.

By then I learned something that Harl--the publisher had done that rendered the entire question a moo point.

Maybe it's moot. Anyway, they had changed the requirements for that particular line. Not only did my manuscript no longer fit the description of what they wanted, but it was now 10,000 words too short. They were now also no longer accepting unagented submissions, which is what mine was.

So, I sent them--all of them--an email withdrawing my manuscript. It had been five years.

Was I ghosted? Was it some horrible mishap in which they changed their email provider and mine all got lost in the shuffle? Was it me being male, instead of female? Did I accidentally send my correspondence to a publisher in another dimension, and we'd gone out of phase?

Beats me, and boy, did I feel beaten. But, giving the benefit of the doubt, my withdrawal email was nice and polite, as I tried to keep all my emails. It pays to be nice, and maybe someday they'll answer it.

Besides ... they have other lines open for submission.

You can read our books, romantic or not, here: ·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO ·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter" ·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter ·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/ ·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/ ·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/ ·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914 ·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/ ·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter ·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter ·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter ·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914 ·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914 ·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember, every time you buy a book from a local author, Big Publishing quakes in its leather-bound boots.

[longingforspace]

I'm currently suffering from Autistic Burnout and I've been trying what I can to get some kind of support for months. I wasn't sure if I should write anything about this here, but decided that I need to word some of my frustrations with being sent around and no one really willing (or able) to help.

26 Sep 2023 - Medicine review at my Community Mental Health Team (I'm diagnosed with autism, adhd and ptsd, and take adhd medications). This was my first time to this specific CMHT, so the doctor went through a questionnaire. While there, I mentioned to him that I've had many bad experiences in the past and that it takes a lot for me to open up. The doctor apologises and hopes I'll find it better here. When the question comes about hurting myself or self-termination, I'm honest and tell him about my exhaustion, decline in abilities and that I've had "dissociative walks" (I walk around and I'm aware, but also not, I don't feel anything and I can't control where I'm going and so on. I usually can't speak then either) and that one of them almost ended with me jumping off a cliff. To this, he just hummed and then continued with other questions. This plus some other things didn't make me feel very seen or listened to.

28 Sep 2023 - Appointment at my GP surgery to ask for help and get a sick note. The GP I met was great and seemed to understand me. She was the first one ever thanking me for giving her a letter and didn't mind written communication or my way of experience emotions in colours. I got a sick note and a date for a follow up appointment.

12 Oct 2023 - Follow up appointment. The GP I met was sick and I got to see another who literally made me cry. He might be good with other things, but he absolutely do not know how to handle autistic people with mental health issues.

16 Nov 2023 - Appointment with my GP surgery's Mental Health Nurse. The meeting in itself was ok. Got a referral to the Primary Mental Health Support Services and to some course by Mind. I was supposed to get an email with link and notes of what we had talked about, but I never did (and yes, I checked spam and that they have the right email address).

3 Jan 2024 - Triage appointment at Primary Mental Health Support Services (PMHSS). They are a resource aid and doesn't have any support themselves, but the triage nurse at least acknowledge that autistic people require adapted support and adapted therapy for it to work and not risk being harmful (first time someone ever admitted that to me). I later got a letter that summarised the meeting and with links to help: online CBT, online self-help resources and contact details to the Integrated Autism Services. Online CBT: My symptoms is too severe to be accepted and I was told to contact my GP for more correct support (so back to square one). Online self-help resources: Very basic. Nothing new and nothing geared towards autism. NHS Autism Services: Eventually e-mailed them, although they seem to prefer phone calls, which I'm unable to make. Another Autism Service: I've contacted them before and they never answered.

23 Jan 2024 - Meeting with Mind. They were uncertain what to do help me, so the person I met wanted to talk to their supervisor and then we'd meet the next week. Due to me later realising I already had two big meetings that week, I emailed and asked if we could rebook that appointment. I still haven't received and answer from them.

20 Feb 2024 - Got an email from the NHS based Autism Services (AS) and all it contained was links to National Autistic Society and to their own website. Both being places I've checked several times before.

As of today, 21 Feb 2024, I still haven't received any actual support. I have no one that can help me. I've tried to find an advocate, but have so far not succeeded. All that has happened is that I feel completely ignored and unseen, and I seem to keep having a decline in my life skill abilities as well as my abilities to speak. I live with a friend, but she isn't doing well herself and can't join me for meetings due to her working, but she does make phone calls for me now and then. Unfortunately, our relationship is a bit strained atm due to her new roommate (a friend of hers) that I don't get along with. AS was basically my last hope and that didn't go exactly well, so now I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't even know if I have energy to proceed at all anyway.

[michelle-is-writing]

Unexpected ch.2, Spencer Reid

Word count: 4.4k~

Read the first part here!

It isn't that hard to lie and say you need an emergency transfer to where your parents live. Thankfully, I'm able to do such a thing and move into a house similar to the last one I had when I lived in Las Vegas. I'm even more thankful to gain a good position at the FBI agency there, but I'm not all too thrilled about having to leave my best friends at Quantico. I knew them for only a short year, but it felt like I knew them forever.

Four months of the same work I once did months before pass, but this time, I've had to do it a bit differently. Instead of being able to travel to other agencies and help review specific cases for them to solve, I'm forced to stay at my agency and continue working there. It turns out the FBI doesn't exactly like their pregnant workers traveling, no matter how far along they are.

In my second month of working, I found out I was pregnant through a sudden spell of vomiting and fever. When one of my co-workers took me to the doctor, they did a blood test, and like any other unsuspecting parent, the news hit me in the face. One night of passion, sadness, and hurt lead to that moment where I was given the two exciting words that I had least expected.

"You're pregnant!"

When I was first given the news, I was excited, and I still am. I've always wanted kids, but I've always wanted to have kids that had a father present in their lives (preferably, in this case, Spencer). Going by the fact that Spencer most likely hates me for my sudden absence from work and leaving in the middle of the night, I can presume he doesn't want anything to do with our baby. Who would? But at the same time, can you blame me for leaving?

I felt alone in a relationship with a guy who acted like he barely knew me when we had known each other for our entire lives. I felt like I knew Spencer like no one else, and vice versa. I was wrong about something I would have bet my life on, and it was absolutely mortifying.

I still love Spencer, and I will never stop loving him. I think out of everything, that's the most painful thing. The high probability that he hates me now comes in second, which is why I haven't told him about my pregnancy. That, and I presume he never wanted kids - so, how can I push that onto him and make him not only hate me but a child he helped create? Why would my child ever deserve that?

Without fail, Penelope has tried to call me once every week ever since I left, and I just can't answer her calls. As stated once before, me leaving out of nowhere is embarrassing. I know that the gang is concerned about me leaving without saying anything, but how can I face them without lying? I can't just tell them I left because I knew Spencer didn't love me like I thought - that would've just added insult to injury.

However, the call Penelope sent this week was followed by two consecutive text messages.

Answer me right now or I will hack into any information about you there is available!

I mean it!

Because I knew she really did mean it, I answered her next call without hesitation.

"Hi, Penelope," I answered her, my voice drained of all emotion. Sitting down on my couch with my phone held against my ear, I placed my free hand over my small baby bump and lightly rub it without even thinking about it. I love my ever-growing child with all of my heart, and I haven't even met the baby boy yet.

"Don't 'hey, Penelope' me!" She almost shouts into my ear, causing me to close my eyes with guilt. "You haven't called, texted, emailed, nothing! You have sent me absolutely nothing explaining why you left! Why did you leave?!"

Her question makes me want to vomit, and I know I can't lie to her. "Spencer and I slept together the night before I left," I explain blatantly, hearing an immediate response only seconds later.

"So what?! Was the sex lousy? Did he not do it right?" Her questions roll off her tongue without pausing. "You have to teach the boy! He hasn't had that much experience in the past years, so you have to give him pointers and-"

"Pen, he couldn't get Maeve off his mind," I cut her off, tears rolling down my cheeks. As much as I'd love to laugh at Penelope's usual actions, I can't when I'm thinking about that night. "H-he mentioned her right after we were done, and I realized I would never be enough for him. I-I just couldn't face him after that, Pen; I just couldn't."

Unlike last time, Penelope halts her words before letting out a single-word response. "Oh," She mutters, every ounce of anger or frustration gone from her voice. She knew how I felt about Spencer and how I had always felt about him, even when we were younger.

A few more seconds pass before she speaks up again, her voice now a bit quieter. "But why couldn't you call me back or anything? Why'd you have to ignore me?"

Penelope's softly spoken words break my heart, and with the already falling tears, I can't hold back the new ones that arise. Biting my lip to prevent myself from sobbing out-loud, I take my hand away from my belly and raise it to cover my mouth. I never wanted to hurt anyone - I truly didn't - so, it hurts to hear that I ended up doing so anyway.

"Penelope, I'm pregnant," I shakily confess, shaking my head as I continually cry. "And I couldn't tell you, or Spencer, or anyone, because Spencer never wanted any kids! He never wanted me, Pen!"

Every word that leaves my lips is followed by my hands waving around frantically as I close my eyes with a shake of my head. It physically hurts to admit all of this to Penelope. Not only does it hurt, but it's embarrassing. I'm by myself with no one around me, the only guy I've ever loved doesn't want me, and I'm pregnant and scared to death. I have never felt so alone in my life, and it sucks.

"...Does he know?" Penelope asks, making me instantly sober up.

"NO!" I nearly shout, my eyes shooting open. "No, Pen, you cannot tell him! Whatever, you do, do. not. tell. him!"

"But, he deserves to know, (Y/n)!" Penelope argues, making me cry even more. She just said the same thing I've been debating with myself over the past two months, and to hear her say it makes me want to just fall asleep and forget about my problems. She's right, and I know it.

"He. doesn't. want. kids. Pen!" I repeat myself, placing my hand to my forehead. "And he doesn't want me either!"

"(Y/n), he does! He does want you!" Penelope tells me, making me shake my head. "When you left, he didn't talk to anyone. He just... he shrank into himself and never came back out! When we saw that you had transferred to the Las Vegas Unit, Spencer submitted transfer papers! Just to be with you!" Her words shoot right through me, making me pause in my actions as my eyes go wide. "He got denied, and when you didn't respond to my calls or his calls, he thought... he thought you didn't love him."

"Oh, God," I mutter, shaking my head. "I never stopped loving him, Pen - how could I? H-how could he think that?" I ask, not expecting an answer back from Penelope. "I tried to do everything I could to make him feel loved, to let him know I loved him and only him!"

Leaning my head back against the couch, I sink further into the plush material with a sigh. "When in reality, I was the one who never got anything like that back," I explain, my voice slow and calm now that I've let out the things I've been holding back on saying for months now. "I was the one who felt like I was never good enough no matter what I did or how hard I'd try... I would always be second-best - and that was that."

"If only you know how wrong you are, (Y/n)," Penelope tells me, sounding like she's crying too. "I-I know you won't believe me, but none of what you are saying is true. Absolutely none of it," She adds, "Spencer loves you with every ounce of his being, and you are not second-best to him."

"Pen..." I drag on, sighing.

"I know you don't believe me, but you have to," She states, before letting out a sigh. "I miss you, girl-genius, and I want to come and see you," Penelope confesses, making me lightly smile. "I miss our fashion conversations and shopping trips, and I've been sad the entire time you've been gone!"

Once all of her words process through my mind, I smile fully. Despite the shit that I've done, she's still the same fun-loving, girly-girl Penelope that I was close to in Quantico, and somehow, we're still close.

"I miss you too, Pen," I tell her, placing my hand back on top of my risen belly. In response, two little feet kick against my hand, making me smile. "I... I'm off for the next couple weeks if you want to come and see me," I tell her, "I think I'd like it if my baby boy met his aunty."

As soon as the words leave my lips, Penelope gasps. "You're having a boy?" She asks gently, making me giggle. I guess I didn't include that when I first told her. "That's it - I'll be coming in on Friday!"

I grin. "Don't rent a hotel room!" I tell her, standing from the couch to walk into the extra room in my house. I didn't think I'd be having anybody stay over for a while, so I didn't put any sheets or pillows on the guest bedroom bed. "I have a guest room here at my place, so don't waste any money on a room."

"Okay, okay!" She cheers, making me smile even more. "I'll get a flight and be over there in no time. I love you, and I'll see you then!"

With that, I tell her I love her back and we hang up. With my phone now in my hand rather than pressed against my ear, I move to sit on the mattress and sigh. I wasn't expecting Penelope to say everything she did, nor did I expect her to be so forgiving of me. Although, it is Penelope we're talking about here, and I don't think there's ever been a moment in her life where she wasn't understanding. I told her my problems, and in spite of loving Spencer like a brother, she listened to me and understood where I was coming from.

"I'm sorry you had to hear what your mummy told Aunt Pen," I apologize to my bump, my hand still resting against it. "Your daddy really is a great guy with a big heart, but mummy wasn't meant for him," Despite my heart cracking as I mutter these words, I smile and circle my hand around my bump. "However, mummy knows that you and I are meant to be, and no matter what, you will always be my little boy."

With Penelope calling me on Wednesday night, I didn't have to wait long for her arrival. I even went out and bought some lilac sheets for the bed so she could be on new ones, and I also got a pair of peacock themed earrings for her while I was out. I have to admit I'm a bit excited to see what she has to say about the nursery I've put together myself. I painted the walls with pale blue paint and then stenciled ducks throughout the middle of the wall. The furniture is all made out of a Walnut wood shade, and the curtains match the walls with a yellow ribbon holding them together.

On Friday night, I put everything together for Penelope's arrival and smile to myself. A part of me wants to believe it's just her that's coming, but another part of me is telling me that she's bringing Spencer with her. I'm partially scared, but at the same time, I'm not. What happens, happens... and there's nothing I can do about it.

Hearing a knock at the door, I close the kitchen drawer I'm currently digging into and move onto the next one. "Come in!" I shout, digging through the mess of kitchen utensils to find the pair of earrings I bought for Penelope. What interrupts me is two little feet kicking me as I do so, making me stop and place a hand to my belly. "Not now, little one!" I whisper with a smile, feeling my baby boy halt in his kicking. I can only hope he'll be willing to listen to me like this when he gets older.

Just as I find the black gift bag with the peacock themed jewelry in it, I hear my apartment door open and close. It isn't a peppy voice that I hear a few seconds later, and instead, a voice that I've wanted to hear for what feels like such a long time. Now that I hear him speak, I realize my mother's intuition has already kicked in.

"You know," the deep, yet boyish voice begins, making me stop moving. "Standing for long lengths of time can slow down the growth of a fetus, and cause premature birth as well as prolonged pain in the lower back."

A few moments pass before I slowly place the jewelry on my kitchen counter and turn around to see Spencer standing a few feet away from me, his hands wrestling with each other. Despite my mind telling me not to, my body takes charge, and I look into Spencer's eyes to see him gazing at me with glossed-over eyes. Once he sees my bump, his mouth lightly drops. "You..." He begins, holding a hand out. "You look amazing."

Leaning back against the counter behind me, I look away and harshly swallow, my throat feeling like it's being squeezed closed. "Spence..." I say the name I've always called him, but nothing follows it. I don't know what to say to Spencer at this moment, and going by the short silence that follows, he doesn't either.

"Why..." he starts, making me look back at him. This time, his tears are falling down his face freely. "Why didn't you tell me?" He finally asks, gently shaking his head. He truly doesn't realize, and even if I tell him, I don't think he'd understand.

"I know why you left," He explains, walking toward me with unsure steps. "And I-I realize that it was so stupid to talk about Maeve after we... we-we," Spencer stutters, making me shake my head as I bite my lip. "I never meant to send you away, (Y/n); I never wanted you to leave," He confesses, a tear trailing down his cheek. "That was the last thing I wanted you to do."

Once again, in spite of every signal my mind is sending me, I watch myself step forward and wipe Spencer's fallen tears away, his head leaning into my touch as I do so. With tears gathering in my eyes, I watch with bleary vision as Spencer lets out a shaky sigh before looking down at my bump and gently smiling. "It-It's mine," He states the obvious, making me smile as the tears finally fall.

Leaving my hand against the side of his face, I take his hand into my free hand and place it against my stomach, his warm fingers pressing against my belly with a softness I've never felt from him. "He is yours," I explain, emphasizing the sex to him. Instantly, he picks up on it and lets out a short noise of happiness, making me want to hug him to death, but I don't think I can handle that at this moment.

"Spencer, do you... do you want me? Have you... have you ever wanted me?" I ask him, his eyes instantly flickering up to meet mine.

"Every day of my life, yes," Spencer tells me, nodding his head up and down repeatedly. "My words to you about Maeve w-were not an attempt to tell you otherwise, I promise you," Watching as he shakes his head, I see him visibly struggle to swallow. "I just needed to get that out, and with you, I felt like I could tell you anything," He confesses, a few seconds passing before he shakes his head again. "And I felt that if I didn't let out my feelings, I wouldn't be able to move on, and then I wouldn't be able to give you all of me in my entirety because there is nothing I want more than that."

More tears sliding down his face, he leans down and lays his head against mine. Meanwhile, the tears haven't stopped falling from my eyes either, and even though I've felt hurt by Spencer for these past few months, I know he's telling me the truth. "I want you, (Y/n); you're all I've ever wanted," He tells me, crying even more as he shakes his head. "If you would have told me that I messed up that night by saying the stuff I did that bothered you, I would have apologized until the end of time for you. I would've done anything just to get you to stay."

At this moment, I feel guilty for not only what I've put myself through for these last months, but Spencer as well. I'm glad that he understands why I felt the way I did, but what I'm unhappy about is the fact that I was the one who wasn't understanding. For five seconds, if I had seen the difference in how he said his last words to me rather than what he was saying, we wouldn't be in this predicament. We wouldn't have been without each other, and we wouldn't have gone through so much by ourselves with no one to fall back on.

"If I wasn't pregnant with your baby," I start, my voice wary and slow. "Would you have still come back for me?" I ask, pulling my head away from his to look up at him.

In response, Spencer simply smiles and nods. "Even if you had left in the morning and told me goodbye, and you came here without our son growing inside you, I would have still fought for you with my life," He confesses, still smiling. "When I was young, I was stupid and I let you go without a fight," Spencer then shakes his head. "I don't want to do that again - I can't do that again."

Once again, I know that what Spencer's telling me is completely truthful and coming from his heart. For once, he isn't saying statistics or facts about what is going on around him, and instead, he's speaking up about himself and how he feels. He's not reading from a textbook or informative journal - it's all coming from him.

"I don't want you to do that again either, Spencer," I admit, welcoming his arm as he wraps them around my waist and slowly pulls me close. With my bump pressed against his practically non-existent stomach, I smile, feeling two little feet kick in response. My boy has never reacted like this when I've hugged people in the past - maybe he somehow knows who I'm hugging, and perhaps he's excited.

"I love you, (Y/n)," Spencer states, his other hand coming up to hold my cheek. Looking up at him, I see tears still flowing down his cheeks like before, although there are fewer this time around as his smile remains on his lips. "I love you so much, and I want you to see that so badly."

Spencer Reid - the man who avoids drama at all costs, rarely takes risks, isn't too great with social interaction, and who doesn't always show his emotions - is currently standing in my kitchen with his arms holding me close to him as he confesses his true feelings. At the same time, he's interacting with our son in ways he doesn't even know about, and for once, he's fighting for me by taking a six-hour flight to get to me and try to win me back. At this point, I never realized that it's something I've wished for with all my heart ever since I left.

"I do see it, Spence," I tell him, giving him a tearful smile. "I see it right now as we speak, and I see it looking back too," I add on, watching as his face never changes at my words. He probably doesn't believe me, or he doesn't want to because he's mad at himself for waiting for so long to do such a thing. "I see everything, Spencer, and I will always love you too," This time, my words do make a change occur, and I'm thankful to see it's a positive one. "Besides, I always have."

In response, his smile widens before he leans forward and plants his lips against mine. However, the kiss doesn't last long as Spencer soon pulls away and pushes his head into my neck. "Please, forgive me," He pleads, sounding broken like before. "Please, please, please," Spencer repeats the word over and over again until I speak up.

"Baby, I forgave you long ago," I tell him, only to earn a head shake in response.

"No, no, not just for this," Spencer murmurs, raising his head from my neck. Leaning above me, Spencer stares into my eyes while gently swaying us in our embrace. I don't think he knows he's doing it.

"Back when we still lived here in Las Vegas, I-I moved everything out of the apartment without telling you. I was in a rush to get moved into my dorm while moving my mom into Bennington that all I left was a note, a stupid note!"

Every word that leaves his lips afterward doesn't reach my ears. He left me a note? When I went into the empty apartment, there was absolutely nothing in there! If there was a note, then I surely would have seen it.

"Spencer," I cut him off from his rambling, and for once, he stops speaking. Turning my eyes up to his, I gently shake my head. "There was no note in the apartment. I-I went in, and every-single-thing was gone; it felt like you wanted me to feel forgotten, and it hurt."

Once I'm done speaking, Spencer leans down and places another kiss to my lips, apologies following afterward just like before. "I promise you, I left a note - I swear I did!" Spencer's words come out in a rush as if he were scared that I wouldn't believe him.

"It's okay, Spencer. I believe you," I assure him, nodding. "The owners of the apartment probably came by and cleaned up since there was absolutely nothing left - no furniture, pictures, curtains, nothing."

At that, Spencer shakes his head with squinted eyes. He then goes to say something, but quickly cuts himself off with a sigh. "No matter what, I love you - I loved you back then too," He confesses, his eyes flashing over to mine. "I thought for the longest time that you wanted nothing to do with me, hence why you never tried to see me."

If only he knows how far that is from the truth. For so long, I tried to find him. I searched everywhere online, but nothing ever came up except for old news articles about how smart of a kid he was. It wasn't until I joined the BAU that I realized why his online presence was so scarce - it was for his protection.

"I searched for you for a long time," I tell him, smiling at him as I reach up to cup his cheek. "But, I could never find anything on you. I never thought to look at our employee list though."

Laughing at my words, Spencer shakes his head at the irony before sighing once again. "I looked for you too, but I always got scared when I found you," He confesses, shaking his head. "I didn't think you'd want me meddling in your life."

Just like before, his words break my heart. There are too many damn things that have gone wrong in our relationship that could have been solved way before now. "Let's... let's not let another misunderstanding ruin our relationship again - please," I plead, wanting nothing more but to be close with Spencer without anything holding us back.

Liking the idea, Spencer smiles back and nods. "Let's," He agrees, leaning forward to plant his lips onto mine. As soon as he does, the baby boy in my belly begins kicking again, prompting me to place both of Spencer's hands on my stomach. Feeling his son kick, Spencer pulls away from the kiss to let out a mix of a surprised gasp/laugh, making me giggle with him. "I love you," He tells me, turning his smiling face back to me with happiness written all over it.

Smiling back, I lean farther into him with his hands still pressed against my swollen tummy, my head leaning against his chest. "I love you too," I respond, feeling as if the only things around me that matter are Spencer and our son.

Thanks to Penelope (who I doubt is even coming down here and is probably waiting for me to return to Quantico), I finally get to be with the person I feel to be my soulmate, once and for all.

This may not have been the way I wanted to start a family, but I can't say I'm ungrateful for us now. Finally, after so many years, things are cleared up and no longer blocking the possibility of Spencer and I loving each other. For once, we finally get to be with each other in peace and utter devotion - nothing else.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

There's this sort of trope I've noticed in a lot of Twilight fanfiction where the Cullens do not return as quickly as they did in canon during New Moon and somehow inexplicably run into Bella years later, when she's in her early-to-mid twenties and I was wondering how you think this would go? In my head the Cullens would skedaddle the second they got a whiff of Bella, but suspending disbelief there I always have a hard time buying it whenever older Bella ends up back together with Edward.

I think it depends on the Cullen in question, or, if it’s all the Cullens together.

The Yoko Ono Effect

To be honest, if the Cullens had stayed away in New Moon, I don’t think they would have made it as a singular unit to five-ten years down the road. The cracks were already to show even a few months in.

This isn’t to say Bella is responsible for the collapse of the Cullens, I believe they’re doomed anyway, but she serves as a catalyst.

After leaving Forks in New Moon the Cullens immediately begin drifting apart.

Edward is despondent and depressed, within a few weeks leaves the coven, and travels down the continent until he reaches Rio where he stays for months. Note, Edward knew by the time he hit Rio that he had long since lost Victoria’s trail (for the record, he lost her in Mexico) but I think it’s very telling he does not return to the coven.

I don’t think Edward was ever coming back.

This puts a significant strain on Emse, as Edward is far and away her favorite child, and she’s noted as being anxious and severely unhappy with Edward’s disappearance. In time, I believe this would lead to the collapse of Esme and Carlisle’s dumpster fire marriage (which at this point only survives on denial and miscommunication).

Alice and Jasper leave the group to both a) get out of dodge b) investigate Alice’s past. While they do later return things are... awkward.

Rosalie desperately tries to keep the family together, tells Edward the bad news to a) be the only one with the balls to tell him and b) hopefully get him to come back to the family. This, obviously, doesn’t work.

I think without Bella’s suicide attempt the coven would have broken apart probably within the year. Rosalie desperately would have tried to keep them together, but Esme would crack and go to be with Edward, Carlisle would let her go, Alice and Jasper would probably keep their heads down and go on extended honeymoons, and eventually they all realize there’s just nothing to go back to. 

They go their separate ways.

The Cullens Are Still Cullening

But lets pretend that things work out.

Edward gets tired of being depressed in Rio and comes back to... be depressed with the family. To be honest, I don’t think he’d get over this. Edward was severely depressed before Bella.

He was very contemptuous not only of his own family but of humanity in general. Yes, he has this very strange idolation of humanity but he also views them as inherently beneath him and lesser. High school is his purgatory where he listens to the mundane thoughts of mundane mayfly humans.

He outright despises Jasper and Rosalie and even Carlisle, who he adores, he often views as something of a fool in great need of Edward’s personal protection.

Edward has lost all passion in life, even in his hobbies like music, and is slowly but surely spiraling down into a place where he can never recover. His obsession with Bella, while far from a good thing, brings light back into his life.

This is an Edward who gave that all up and willingly returns back to what he used to be. And I think that would destroy something in him. Frankly, I think it’d leave him in an even worse place than canon.

So, if the Cullens run into a now adult Bella...

Well, it’d be a clusterfuck.

Edward will be very conflicted as he tried to leave for Bella’s own good but now she’s done exactly what he wanted. She grew up and got over him, Edward presumably means nothing to her now.

Worse, there is now such a gap between them. Edward is physically much younger than she is now, he poses as a high school student while she’s an adult. Bella’s fears were warranted, she’s too old for him now, and in many ways has outgrown him.

If Bella’s in any sort of relationship with anyone, I think Edward would flip his lid, and murder her significant other. As he often fantasized murdering Mike as well as her nameless future husband. If she’s single...

I think with enough time, distance, and therapy Bella would be able to make significant strides towards a healthier mindset. She’d get over her depression and in turn over Edward. She might be angry at him for a while but in time would likely decide that he had left her for what were immature but noble reasons.

What they had was nice, but the relationship was never going to last. Even when she was a teenager, she knew this, which was why she so desperately wanted to be a vampire.

She likely might talk to him to find closure, but I imagine a more mature Bella realizes they know nothing about each other. She’s had so much time in her life now without him and he’s so different from what she remembered, younger. There’s no way to start a relationship, more, Edward himself realized it was never going to work.

I imagine Edward doesn’t take this well either. For all that Edward says he wants certain things, really, he does an impressive job making sure Bella never ran from him. Bella legitimately not being interested in him would destroy him and... likely lead to him devouring Bella eventually.

After all, Alice had predicted that Edward would not be able to stay away and that, ultimately, there are only two futures for Bella: death or vampire.

Edward Comes Back Alone

Alice had predicted that Edward would not be able to keep his distance from Bella. He tries twice. Once, in Twilight, when Alice first announces that Edward is in love with Bella and she will become a vampire. The second time is New Moon.

The first, he cracks in a week. It just doesn’t work out and Edward has a minature crisis over it and tells himself it’s fine because he has to protect her from spiders therefore he has to be in her life AND THIS IS FINE.

The second, he notes that he’s dangerously close to cracking and Alice predicted he couldn’t do it. He makes it six months, but does confess to Bella he often considered finding her again and watching her life from the shadows in Rio.

So, I highly doubt that Edward would make it to five or ten years or that he’d make it with the Cullens. He probably comes back alone by the time Bella’s senior year starts, and intends to watch her from the shadows.

Now, given the plot of Twilight, he realizes that nothing’s working out. Bella’s not free from the supernatural, as her best friend/potential new love interest is a werewolf who might maul her any second now. She’s being hunted by Victoria and everything’s spiralling out of control.

So, Edward probably gives up the charade fast and comes back to get Jake out of the picture and be very upset with Bella for ruining his plan. Bella’s just glad Edward is back. Given Edward probably calls the entire family back, who likely have nothing to say to this nonsense, things proceed pretty much as in canon.

Jasper Runs Across Bella

Considering the last time he saw her, Jasper would run like the hounds of hell are on his heels. This is a world in which he never sees much of Bella after the birthday incident and, as a result, is still mired in guilt. He can’t imagine Bella’s reaction upon seeing him in the wild nor does he want to.

Rosalie Runs Across Bella

Rosalie likely makes no contact. She probably views Bella with bitterness, sees her as the reason for the collapse of her family, and never understood Bella’s appeal in the first place. However, for all Rosalie’s bitterness, she wouldn’t take it out on Bella mostly because there’s nothing to say.

She’d just choose to be distantly happy for Bella that she got to live her human life and glad she adjusted well.

Emmett Runs Across Bella

Emmett and Bella don’t actually know each other that well, Emmett certainly has no personal connection with her. He wouldn’t make contact because it’d be awkward and would piss off Rose.

Alice Runs Across Bella

Alice doesn’t agree with Edward, but she’s also proving a point to him and ultimately values Edward far more than she does Bella. She’ll abide by his rules and not speak to Bella. Also, she sees that if she tries, there’s no way the conversation goes well as Alice would have to explain why she never answered any emails.

Best to avoid that.

Esme Runs Across Bella

Esme values Edward over everything, and while she perhaps thinks that Bella could fix Edward’s desperate unhappiness I think she’d acknowledge that Edward also doesn’t want to see her. She’d snoop from afar but ultimately, I don’t think she’d make contact.

If she did, it’d be with the sole purpose of matchmaking the adult Bella with Edward, which would lead to disaster.

Carlisle Runs Across Bella

Carlisle I think actually would talk to her, to offer up some explanation of what happened and how they got where they are. He and Bella would likely talk about vampires, the Cullen way of life, etc. and ultimately go their separate ways.

He’d try to give closure if she wants it but nothing more than that.

Though if he thinks Bella doesn’t want to talk/see him or any Cullen, he’d likely also make himself scarce.

Some Thoughts On Fanfiction

But that’s not why people are writing these types of stories, and, really while I can give my depressing takes on Twilight I think it’s fair to note that people write these fics for significantly different reasons.

[angelsonthesideline]

Tales From the Ex-Crypt Vol. 9

Wow.. volume 9.. I'm going to wrap it up with this one because I really don't want to live in the past or think about any of these people any more. I'm happy, even if Mr HTG is still not officially mine, I only want to look forward and these crypts will be closed. There are definitely more stories than the ones I've written here.. but this is the one that people are like "NO.. that only happens in movies!"

So, I was minding my own business at work when one of my regular customers walked in with a friend. They had been at a dinner party, and started talking about winter tires, and my customer said that the friend had to come see me for tires, and proceeded to bring him in. His friend wasn't someone who really stood out to me, there was nothing remarkable to me about him. He was nice enough, mild mannered, tall, blue eyes, great smile (I'm a sucker for eyes and smiles) and we went over some tire options. I sent them on their way with the friend having his quotes in hand.

I didn't really think anything more of it, it was busy (snow) season and I was plenty busy. A week or so later, the friend comes back, he had decided on some tires and steel wheels and put his deposit down on the order. I wrote up the order, and handed him his copy, when he asked "so when do I get to see you again?" and my smart ass responded with something to the effect of when he got his tires on.

I hadn't really paid any attention to him prior to that moment, and he wasn't my "type" at all. I went home, and something kept nagging at me about him, so I sent him a text after getting his number off his order slip. This is not something I generally do, but since he'd already asked me out, I didn't feel like I was overstepping. This was also 10 years ago.

I didn't hear anything back until the Monday, when I got a profuse apology for the delay, and the excuse that he had had his phone stolen while having lunch on a patio over the weekend in a busy tourist town.

We started talking regularly, he came in and got his snow tires in the meantime, and we hung out for our first "date". He told me he was on a joint task force for terrorist threats between the FBI and CSIS and had to travel often as the supervisor of his unit. He said he would try to see me as often as possible but that it wasn't always a lot of time. I didn't mind, as I was busy and we facetimed and talked by text and phone. I never felt neglected.

We dated for a year, our relationship was amazing, we got along so well, and he made me strive to be my best self. I lost a ton of weight, was eating well, and made an appointment with my doctor to get my mental health in check.

We never had sex, we just had incredibly hot makeout sessions. I always thought it was odd that he didn't want to go any further, but he said he had had a bad experience and wanted to wait until we were married. As he was on the smaller side, I figured that had something to do with it, but I was so absolutely in love by that point it didn't really matter.

He had all sorts of pics of him in his flack in his suits, in the cars, with the guns, or just in offices. I'd get a text or call saying he was flying in and was driving to see me, but would only have about an hour or two to spend with me before he had to get back to his team and back on the road. It kept things exciting, and I loved surprise visits when he'd text me at work that he was outside.

I wanted to see him more, of course, especially as things got more intense between us. But it was always a matter of time for him. No matter how awful other things in my life were going, whenever asked how things with him were, I would immediately brighten and say they were amazing.

My anxiety was getting to a very dysfunctional level, and I was struggling hardcore to manage it. I went to the doctor, he arranged for me to begin therapy. He was supportive when I told him. This was around our 1 year together. But the next time I got to see him, I got doused with ice water, when I gifted him with an expensive watch and he told me he wanted to take our relationship back a step because of his schedule. His reason was that I was amazing and I deserved to be able to pursue someone who could give me everything he wasn't able to due to his job. I was blindsided and devastated. Because I loved him so much, and was dumb, I agreed to try. I'm an absolutely all-in or all-out type of personality, there is no grey middle ground for me. It is why I do struggle with FWB and casual arrangements, unless I have mentally steeled myself to be all-out and just enjoy the moment without feelings.

My first year of therapy and into my second was almost fully dedicated to dealing with this trauma. I have never had a break up so devastating. I am pretty sure most of the damage came from the shock, but also from the "trying" to move forward with him flitting in and out of my life instead of just cutting clean ties.

I cried a lot.. I was so stressed my cortisol levels caused my body to produce more than double the healthy level of reverse T3, completely messing up my thyroid and metabolism, I gained weight, lost energy and all the other fall out. It took me years to recover, and moving to NS and stumbling upon a doctor who treated the thyroid issues (which seem to be back in working order now after some thyroid hormone therapy).

I have never ever let someone have so much impact on my life, and the only reason I can ever explain it with was just the depth of love I had for this man. I don't even know why or what sucked me in, beyond his confidence and charm. He was one of the many devil Aquarius that I dated, always trying to prove the zodiac/astrology stuff was absolutely wrong (because I am generally SO drawn to Aquarius and have dated that sign more than any other). The zodiac definitely kicked my ass with Aquarius to show me that I fucked around and found out the hard way for sure.

We did the on and off/casual thing for 6 months before it was too toxic and messed me up too badly and I cut him off. It was about 6 months later he crawled back, and we tried it again for about another 6 months before I broke again and cut him off permanently.

I tried to not think of him, and started trying to move on with dating. My longterm ex and I had become gaming friends again by this point, in a mostly healthy and functional way. He had asked me to get an app called Voxter so he could send me voice messages (pre-imsg) and I had. You have to make an account to use Voxter though, and then the app itself didn't pick up my soft voice so I deleted it. But the account remained.

One day, I get an email that I have a new suggested contact/friend on Voxter. I open the email, and low and behold, it is Mr Aquarius Devil... and I'm like "hmm.. I don't have any of his new contact information in my phone" so I go to my computer and open my gmail.. start typing in his name and up pops this picture:

The fucker was MARRIED... and had a KID.

I will say, that was the BEST closure ever.. I was INSTANTLY over his ass instead of lamenting WHY it hadn't worked and what I had possibly done wrong. What I had done wrong, was fall for a fucking dirtbag.

Now, I work with the public.. and I had lots of regular customers that would ask me how I was and what was going on with me, and share what was going on with them. I was angry, and I showed a few of them this pic and was like "look at this fucker, he has a WIFE and KID" and I think it got back to him.

Two weeks after I stumbled upon this picture on his gmail, I got a full confessional email from him.

Turns out, he had been married for 12 years, and his son was 7 at the time I found out. Not only that, but he wasn't in law enforcement, HE WAS A PASTOR.. He had also gotten busted for sleeping with two women in his congregation, and fooling around with two others. He had lost his congregation and his church was sending him out west to some rehab. His wife was staying with him, and moving out there with him. He basically said it was all a lie (everything) and that his therapist said he had to write apology letters and explain himself to his victims (like myself). He said it was an ego trip to compensate for low self esteem. So basically, I was just an ego boosting toy for him.

A year later, I received a random text message from a southern Alberta phone number. I am guessing it was his wife, as all it said was "Have you been in contact with J***?" and I was like "J*** who?" and never heard anything ever again. But I am sure he was already back to his old tricks.

[all-might-blog]

I've always loved you and always will

Summary:

I always had eyes for her. The silent green-haired girl from the Support course. Even after all these years, I've never forgotten her…

Notes:

For DrikaVeras.

I honestly have no idea about what prompted me to write this. I suppose that it's due to Tumblr's influence.... Aaaaaanyways, enjoy the read! Let me know your thoughts about it ^^ (Gifted to DrikaVeras because their work, Alpha and Omega, inspired some things over here. Also because their writing is reaaaaaaally good) (written in Toshinori's perspective)

I always had eyes for her. Ever since my school days. Her green hair, roundish face, emerald green eyes stayed with me all throughout these years. I would be able to pick her out from a large crowd. I knew every smile she put on by heart; the happy ones, the sad ones, the tired ones... And yet I was a coward. I never had the nerve to step up to her, maybe invite her somewhere. Perhaps things could have gone well, but I already knew that I didn't stand a chance, seeing the way her eyes lit up whenever Hisashi smiled or did something to make her smile. I had let her slip right through my grasp. I didn't listen to Yamada or Oboro when they told me that I still had a chance, that I could still try. Nana also tried to convince me that not all hope was lost, but I would able slip away from her whenever she tried bringing it up. No matter what others told me, I just had to acept the fact that she was already beyond my grasp.

Years passed. Oboro's death hit us all hard, Shouta the most. Nothing Yamada or I did could get our turtured friend to speak. For a while I believed that we had also lost him, but soon he moved on. He missed Oboro, he said, but there was no point over crying over spilled milk. Then All for One attacked. I didn't think I would ever heal from the wound that Nana's death had made. It didn't, at least not completely. I knew she had made a sacrifice, a huge one that hadn't only been for me, but also for the entire world. I adopted a smile to hide the pain. Her smile, that is. Traveling to U.S was hard, since I was leaving behind what life I had lived and was heading down a path with an ending I had to see for myself when it came. I trained hard like master had told me to. And I met her. The green haired girl, who was now a young woman and whose name turned out to be Inko. I thought I had lost her, but it didn't seem to be that way. Hisashi was with her too, looking for a hero agency the two could join. That's when we begun to work toguether. David Shield was added to the group soon after I rescued him, becoming one of my closest friends. The years passed by and soon enough we were growing to be one of the top ten agencies in America. And Inko and I were growing closer and closer together. First as friends. She was one I trusted, I would tell her anything, being there if I needed help and vice versa. And then, well...

Then she and Hisashi left US. It was not long when I received an email containing the two of them standing side by side. Inko was a beautiful bride. And not long later, her son was born. No, not their. Hers. When Hisashi found that he was not the father, that I was, he left them. No matter how many texts I sent to my beloved, she wouldn't reply. I couldn't blame her if she was angry at me. She could have had a bright future with Hisashi, and yet I had been there to ruin it. I never forgot her, but I didn't bother her. Years passed, and even when I returned to Japan, the only memories I could hold were those of our past. I would see her once or twice every few months, sometimes alone, simetimes hand in sand with her beautiful son. Yet I never stepped forward. Never dared to shatter more than I had already.

Looking for my next successor lead me to applying for a post at U.A to teach. Of course, that was changed when I suddenly ran into a strangely familiar boy who reminded me very much of the woman I had once loved and still did. I just knew that he was the successor, the one who could bring peace to this world. Years passed before I saw my beloved once more. She remembered me, but she didn't show it. We kept it a parent-teacher meeting in front of Izuku (well, that ended with me swearing protection for her son). She called me for the first time in years when I returned to my appartment, a few hours into the night. We spoke. We spoke for a long, long time. Listening to her voice, which did not sound too nervous at all, brought back memories I had almost forgotten about. We spoke until she excused herself to go to sleep.

After that, we spoke more frequently. I texted her daily on updates of her son, and she would reply with shorter messages. Once or twice, she would invite me over to tea or dinner. We avoided what had happened between us all those years ago for a while, until it screamed at us to not be ignored any longer. There was a great deal of tears, a little bit of shouting... but in the end, all it took was to confess. Because I had eyes only for her and hear alone. No matter what, I would love her. I would... and always will.

[prettypetitepika]

@taylorswift appreciation post:

About a year ago, I was at the 2019 Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas. I was there on coincidence with what was my job for a mobile gaming convention. I was done with my meetings and was walking past the venue location. My two absolute favorite artists are Taylor and Brendon Urie from P!ATD. So naturally I decided to purchase a ticket to see the first live performance of ME! I got to the show and it was one of my favorite moments ever. To see Taylor and Brendon open was magical and definitely was something to see coming into the Lover era. After halfway through the show, my boss demanded I show face at an after party. Networking was a big part of my job role. To give more context... I had started my job in February 2019 and at that time, I had noticed very misogynistic behavior, comments and remarks from my direct boss. Things like "we hired you to pimp you out." In my boss' mind, he hired me for being a woman. To "attract stupid men in the gaming world" to make them spend money. From the very first month I started to hear these remarks, I began looking for a new job. Sadly, gaming is a hard industry to job hop in, especially when you're desperate for a new company to just treat you like a human being. Fast forward back to the night of the Billboard awards and now to the after party. I walked to the after party only to find my boss schmoozing to some people from a partner company. One of them was a man... very tall and large in stature doing "as many tequila shots as he can to max out the company bar tab." I like a few drinks but while on the clock, I'm mindful of my alcohol. With this said, the after the party was done, my boss volun-told me to help him, that man and a woman clean up the party. After we did, we were going to "walk from the MGM to the Wynn for a Diplo concert". Literally one end of the Vegas strip to another. That was the idea, the execution on the other hand was something else...

After the party, all four of us started to walk outside. This man started to cling to myself and the woman from earlier, who turned out to be his boss. He was stringing along like an incredibly heavy sack of potatoes. He was sloppy drunk. Tripping over us and holding onto our shoulders and waists. After seeing the struggle, my now inebriated boss hailed a cab. The woman went to the front seat. Meanwhile, my not so tall boss went all the way to the left of the back and that man went to the middle seat. This giant person went to the middle and it made no sense to me. I literally out loud said "Why is the biggest person sitting in the middle?!" No one acknowledged my comment. So I reluctantly sat next to the man.

**Note: the next part of this may be triggering for some. This happened to me personally and I know how it can effect some people, even just reading it. With that said, the cab took off, the man put his arm around the back of my seat, and around my shoulder. The drive was only supposed to last maybe 7 minutes... to me, it was an eternity. The man started to bring his hand down and gr*pe my right breast. I almost couldn't believe it. I thought I was in a nightmare and I couldn't wake up. This man kept going as I pushed his hand away. I kept clutching my purse to my chest as he tried to reach his hand up my blouse. My elbow digging into my lap, trying to create a barrier between him and I. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. We finally pulled up to the hotel, I ran out of the cab. Waited for my boss to come out and walked in. As we walked, the man was now 20 feet behind us. He knew what he had done. The same man who was so clingy and touchy before was now making distance because he KNEW. I looked at my boss and lowly said "He gr*ped me in the taxi." He looked up at me and said "Well that's not good." And kept walking... I thought he was too drunk to realize what I had said so I sent it on WhatsApp, knowing it couldn't be deleted. He read the text and did nothing. I looked at the woman with us and demanded she come to the bathroom with me. I ran in and like word vomit, yelled what the man had done. The first thing out of her mouth was "I knew he'd do something like this."

She knew. And I was infuriated. How could amyone let such an awful excuse of a person come to a convention, network and drink?! When we came out of the bathroom, I saw the man and ran. Sobbing, I ran to the next restroom. The woman and my boss said they'd escort me back to my hotel. I ran to my room feeling so dirty. Shower after shower and I couldn't stop crying. I thought why didn't I say something to the cab driver, why? But I was just trying to keep my shitty job at that point. I was trying not to cause a scene that would affect my company...

The morning after, I tried to get home but literally EVERY single flight was booked until 2am. My boss reluctantly gave me the "day off". But I was stuck in Vegas. Feeling empty, violated, ruined. I knew with the incident fresh in my mind, I called a lawyer from back home in Texas. I explained the incident and how horrible my boss was. From there, we filed with the EEOC and started a discrimination case. For my company and my boss dehumanizing me, treating less than my worth and attempting to use me as a woman. Following immediately after the incident and the lawsuit beginning, I became a phantom. A ghost. I was invisible. No longer did anyone talk to me, look at me, invite me to lunch. I was moved to an office by myself. I'd email my boss for help on clients to never receive a response. I was just there. Physically. Mentally, I was miserable. I had developed anxiety and couldn't eat... this went on for months.

In March 2020, COVID19 hit and we were ordered to work from home. This was music to my ears. I was still a ghost... but at least my dog made for a better coworker.

Today, Friday, May 15th, 2020, my boss sent a Zoom meeting invite for me to discuss a client. It was out of the ordinary but I was hopeful. That hope didn't last long. As I logged in, I saw the 2 HR representatives of the company. I knew my fate after seeing their names on my computer screen. They said due to COVID, they were reorganizing the company. Meanwhile, they said i was terminated due to "performance". Immediately after I filed my lawsuit, they bombarded me with emails asking if I could do my job because of my "disability". They were talking about the new found anxiety that I developed thanks to them. The thing was, I was never trained, coached, developed. Nothing for my job role. They expected me as a "woman" to bring on male clients. They really did try to pimp me out. When that didn't work... Well, as you could guess, at 11am this morning, I was fired. Terminated. I was sent a termination contract that in short, they'd "generously give me a severance pay of $2k." But also in that letter? A surprise clause of if I signed and was paid, even if I still took them to court with my lawsuit, no matter the verdict, they'd owe me nothing. Right now? My lawyer is helping me figure that out but you can bet I won't sign that document for $2k.

Why am I typing this all now? It's more cathartic at this point but more importantly... that night that was so awful for me. After enduring being treated like this for so long... I'm done with that chapter. After that night, ANYTIME I'd listen to ME, I'd either cry or remember that terrible night. I was so angry from what had happened. I was devastated that Taylor and Brendon were the highlight of my night and to now later remember that horrible event. This morning after me getting fired? I hung up and cried.

Afterward, I turned on Taylor's album Lover, and laughed as I Forgot You Existed started playing. Eventually, YouTube had made it's way to ME!... and today was the first time I listened and sang along... happily. No tears, no flash backs to something horrendous. Just joy. Because for now? I'm free. Free of that company, free of my assh*le of a boss, free of people putting the blame on me. The lawsuit is still on going but I remember Taylor going through hers not too long ago. After all of that, if she can do it, so can I.

Pray I'll win my lawsuit. I've won half the battle so far with my new found freedom.

I've had ME! on repeat all day. No longer is that song a tragic memory but now a freedom anthem. 💖

[icanttellyouaboutthis]

31 January 2022

Hello, my dear friend, it's me again.

Now, I know your email address, but I don't think that I will send this letter to you at all. You are better off without me.

Oh wow, tons of stuff happened in just two years, huh?

We used to chat almost every day. I still wonder how we had so much to talk about, and I'm sure we still have a lot to talk about. But we can't. It's for the better, I guess.

Before all the classes turned online, you told me that you were afraid that you were going to catch feelings for me. And I dismissed that by saying that maybe you're probably just bored. What I didn't tell you is that I feel the same way. But I know it is wrong of me to do that. I do not want you to be someone you'd hate. So I kept my mouth shut.

We got a bit awkward after that, but we managed to get back to how we used to be, free.

I still remember how you get back to your partner, weeks after that. Calm settles down upon you, and your texts came less and less. Until one day you told me that you would not be able to text me anymore. I still don't know what happened. And I'm okay with that.

Months later, I woke up to notifications of unsent messages from you. Dozens of them. I remember how my heart dropped as I thought something bad had happened to you. I tried to call, anything to reach back to you. After several tries, you replied and you can never imagine the relief that flooded me. Knowing that you're okay is enough for me.

Then you told me how you struggle with your relationship again, that you're breaking up, for real this time (your words, not mine). And we're back to texting every day. This time was filled with how are yous, how was your days, and quiz parties. I tried to be there with you and lessen your pain, however, I can. We met a few times. I love car rides with you, I don't care where we were going, as long as you're there with me I feel like I can be myself and just, have fun. Talk about everything and nothing all at once. Those are the memories that I will cherish. We went on a platonic date, once. And it was amazing. We talked about going on other dates. Ice creams, pizza stalls, and even an observatory that we'll try out and stuff.

We grew closer and closer until the lines got blurry. We got no boundaries until you snapped and admitted that you're still not over your ex. We tried to work it out, we discussed our boundaries, what is okay and not okay for the both of us. And as we talked about honesty, I told you what I've been keeping from you. That I like you. It's not fair of me to hide it from you.

I didn't ask for any answer, I just wanted you to know that. But you gave it nevertheless.

You said that you'd love to reciprocate my feelings, that you'd love to take me out on dates, and that you'd love to show me how amazing it is to fall in love. But, you're still not over her.

I know that. I can see that, and I understand. I asked you whether you want me to stay away from you or not. And yeah, you told me to stay away for a while. And I agreed, we both needs time for ourselves.

A few days later, I came back and expressed that my feelings were real but I don't need you to answer or do anything about it. I just wanted to know if we still can be friends. Because I like talking to you. I like hanging out with you. I like to be your friend.

And you said that you've just started to talk to your ex again and that you don't think that you can talk to me anymore. That you want to devote yourself to her and you're afraid that you won't be able to do that with me around. That you're afraid of your feelings to me.

You even told me that, if things were different, you will ask me out, and definitely will push your luck trying to be mine instead.

But things are not going to be any different.

I like you enough to understand how much you cherish her, how important she is to you, how much you love her.

I like you enough to know that you wouldn't have the heart to cut me off, so I did.

I cut you off, I let you go.

I know I will never go to those dates we talked about. I will never hold your hands. I will never hug you. I will never have those quizzes with you anymore. I will never know what's going on with your life anymore. I will never be a part of your everyday routine anymore. I will never know how your cats are doing, what kind of mischiefs they're up to this time. I will never know if you manage to get that degree that you want. I wouldn't be on your list of friends anymore. I wouldn't be able to comfort you when your days are grey. But it is okay, what matters the most to me is that you will be happy.

I just cried a little that night, I cried a lot today.

I really wish you luck and happiness, and I hope that you will forget about me.

I will try to erase every piece of me from your life.

Farewell.

10 May, 2020

Dear anyone who bothered to read this

Initially I want to send this to my best friend but he never tell me his email address and he's currently going through his first ever break up so I don't wanna burden him with my unimportant matters.

So, hi!

I wrote this while I'm under lockdown on the day that makes me prefer to stay in the shower as long as I can.

I'm planning to send this for 10 more years, to the year of 2030. I don't think I'll still be around at that time.

I'm doing great, or so most people says and knows about me. Well, what to be mourning for? I'm gonna graduate for my undergrad degree in a month, then I'll continue my study for a year to get my master degree, all the while maintaining to be a part of a startup. I have a decent appearance and people seem to like me easily. I can be a smooth talker when I need to. Graduating from a reputable high school and university. Such a perfect child.

But then, there are layers of me that not many people have ever seen.

They don't know that if I want to keep up with my masters I should wrapped my thesis in less than a month. They do not know that I will have no job waiting for me after graduation because of that creep who harassed me when I'm interning there. They do not know that I am the liability in the startup team. That I am the one who drag them down with me.

I feel like I am wearing multiple masks. And I can only be me when I'm alone with my thoughts. Like now. Nobody knows how hard it is for me to pull myself from the bed, take a shower, do some makeup and off to the outside world. Interacting with other people. I have purposefully not getting up all day, with my lights out and bed unmade. Only the fairy lights and some words from the song accompanied me while my tears pouring down my eyes effortlessly. No one looked for me that day. No one asked for my presence that day. No one asked me to hang out or to work on projects that day. No one cares.

And the day after that, I came back with a smile on my face. No one suspected shit.

I also have purposefully canceled and avoided events on those kind of days. People will look at me and thought that that's just how I am. A flake.

Have I told you that I feel numb?

I can't feel my emotions when I'm with people. Those feelings will come rushing me, drowning my lungs, at the end of the day. When I am alone.

That's how I cope.

[jessicarobert007]

Soul Manifestation Is Setting Conversions On Fire! Double The EPC As Our Last Platinum Offer 10 Minute Awakening! 100% Commissions Available For Whitelisted Affiliates!

WANT 100%? APPLY BELOW TO GET WHITELISTED NOW!

MANIFESTATION MAGIC 2.0

SPECIAL BONUSES

$197 Today Only:$27

MANIFESTATION MAGIC 2.0

+ SPECIAL BONUSES

$247 Today Only:$37

The Complete Energy Orbiting Audio System (Including Twilight Transformation)

Bonus #1: The Chackra Power System ($97.00 Value)

Bonus #2: The 360 Transformation System ($97.00 Value)

Bonus #3: Lifetime Access To The "Push Play" App So You Can Access The Entire Program On Your Smartphone or Tablet ($120.00 Yearly Value)

New Corona Rescue Package Bonuses

"24 Hour Results" 60 Day,

Lifetime Support

Money-Back Guarantee

$247 Today Only:$37

Get Access Now

click to download

MANIFESTATION MAGIC 2.0

PLATINUM EDITION*

$447 Today Only:$97

click to download

Show Features

Get Access Now

New Bonuses + Additional 20% Discount Added! Receive Your Corona Rescue Package...

To help you to not just get back to normal, but THRIVE in this new world, I’ve put together a special RESCUE PACKAGE (this is in addition to your existing bonuses).

Bonus # 1: “10 Minute Earth Healing Sound Bath” ($47.00 Value, Yours FREE) - Just push “Play” to SURROUND yourself in the healing & safe frequency of mother earth (7.83 HZ). You’ll release fear, become a bright light for friends and loved ones, and “Synch up” with the guidance and blessings of the Universe.

Bonus # 2: Super Immunity Secrets: 7 research backed keys to balance, boost, and supercharge your body’s immune system ($47.00 Value, Yours FREE)- These are my “go to’s” for fighting off and staying healthy from colds, viruses, and other infections.

Bonus # 4: Receive an ADDITIONAL 20% off. This means you’re now receiving a package worth $432.00 for just $37 (pocket change compared to the gifts you’ll soon manifest).

Bonus # 3: Surviving & Thriving After Corona: 20 Ways To Manifest Extra Monthly Income Streams ($47.00 Value, Yours FREE) - This special report reveals PRACTICAL ways you can use to quickly manifest extra cash in this new post-corona world (while old ways of generating income dry-up, these 20 new ones are more bountiful than ever).

Click here.

Based on feedback from members we've upgraded the entire Manifestation Program to create version 2.0.

What's New for Manifestation Magic v2.0?

The main changes include:

1. New harmonic brainwave entrainment "pulsing". This helps the brain reach deeper, more optimal states for manifesting more quickly and easily.

2. The "hypnotic suggestions" are now more focused on the desires members told us they wanted the most help with. One of the biggest focuses is now on releasing fears around money. So, you can spend without worrying and trust that everything, including debts and bills are taken care of.

3. We've utlized new "QFT" (The Quantum Freedom Technique) technology to tune into your vibration and help you become a vibrational match for what you truly desire.

The very popular version 1.0 is still available for easy access as well.

REAL REVIEWS FROM REAL PEOPLE

Average user rating

4.7 / 5

Rating breakdown

5

65% Complete (danger)42

4

35% Complete (danger)22

3

0% Complete (danger)0

2

0% Complete (danger)0

1

0% Complete (danger)0

“...I can't sleep without it anymore.”

Hi Alexander...

...A few weeks ago everything just fall to pieces. I thought that was the end for me. I lost everything, my house but most of all my faith.

I bought your Manifestation Magic and in less than a week a lot has changed. I was always in fear what will happen to me and all of a sudden my puzzles pieces are coming back again...

...I'm listening every day and night all my audios and I can't sleep with out it anymore.

With lots of

I can only say WOW for everything you did for me and a change in my lifestyle. Thank you I really appreciate it.

Love

user-rating

- Pauli Grant

308 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

“Wow so much and amazing things are happening right now it’s just fabulous!!!!”

Hi Alexander

Gosh where do l begin!

Wow so much and amazing things are happening right now it’s just fabulous!!!!

...My destiny is crystal clear and so bright I cannot thank u enough!!!!!

...My destiny is to help women who have been left with children and animals to fend for themselves. I am going to give them a home for the rest of their lives! Huge responsibility but I am up for it

Lots of love

user-rating

- Bridge

295 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

“I still can’t believe this works.. what magic is this?!”

I’ve been listening to these audios repeatedly for a while now. I’ve been seeing 555, 11:11, 22:22 nothing happened for a while but after about 2 weeks, my sales have gone from 3 figures a month to 4 figures a month and it keeps growing. I still can’t believe this works.. what magic is this?!

Here’s my tip – don’t give up if it doesn’t happen immediately.. set your intentions clearly (very important), keep listening until you see the signs repeatedly, whatever it is you’re trying to manifest – it’s coming. Signs were everywhere for me – especially on my phone and my computer. I just kept seeing it, so I kept listening, putting out positive vibes and it finally happened for me.

user-rating

- Jason C.

295 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

“I am extremely impressed with Manifestation Magic so far, a thoroughly worthwhile investment.”

Having just read the whole of the Quick Start Guide I am highly impressed with the level of detail and clear and precise directions that you have provided. You have demystified so many things that I was not clear about especially with the visualisation which has eluded me up till now. I am actually feeling quite excited that this can work for me and I'm not one to get excited easily! I am extremely impressed with Manifestation Magic so far, a thoroughly worthwhile investment.

user-rating

-Petrina

283 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

“I use Manifestation Magic exclusively.”

Alexander,

I purchased your program and have been using it every day since. Your programs resonate with me and I will continue to use them.

So, please do not worry.

I purchased two other manifestation programs in the past that do not compare with what you produce. I use Manifestation Magic exclusively.

user-rating

-Kathy Arima

277 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

“But WHOA these audios are different!!”

I’ve tried lots of other audios before – Brainwave, Subliminals, Hypnosis, you name it I’ve tried them all.. so I was expecting this to be like the same old crap I tried. But WHOA these audios are different!! I feel so energized and confident, I feel like new man! I don’t care much about money but my focus is self-transformation! …It’s weird I am seeing myself become stronger and feel more powerful day after day!

user-rating

- Alvin L’mpao

273 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

I am amazed at the result so far! Apart from a shift in consciousness, after I filled in part one of the form and visualized a business class seat for my upcoming UK trip (which I had already booked economy), today in my email box I received a flier from the very carrier I was flying with telling me about their business class deals!"

I've recently started using your program and must admit to having a hefty dose of skepticism before beginning, having tried lots of similar programs in the past. However, after listening as suggested to several of the audios over a few days and beginning to complete the order form, I am amazed at the result so far! Apart from a shift in consciousness, after I filled in part one of the form and visualized a business class seat for my upcoming UK trip (which I had already booked economy), today in my email box I received a flier from the very carrier I was flying with telling me about their business class deals! If that’s not a sign that the universe is listening and putting wheels in motion, I don’t know what is! Very impressed and looking forward to moving in a new direction.

user-rating

-Diane

272 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

“A billionaire contacted me within 2 minutes and I sold a camera I literally just posted within 3...WHOA”

Amazing product 😊 I just wanted to say THANK YOU!

A billionaire contacted me within 2 minutes and I sold a camera I literally just posted within 3...WHOA

user-rating

- Laura McCaughey

263 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

“I got $322 unexpected

deposit into my bank account...”

... The first day, nothing happened...

The second day I got a fillup on gas and $50 cash...

The SECOND time I tried this, I got $135 on the first day…

The THIRD time I tried it a week later, I got $322 unexpected deposit into my bank account…

Yesterday I did it again without even knowing it…woke up to someone calling me to give me $160

user-rating

- Mallorie E

258 people found this helpful

Helpful

Comment

Report abuse

“...I listen to the twilight one every night, all night...”

...I listen to the twilight one every night, all night...

... I seem to be able to deal with whatever is being thrown at me at the moment and deal with it and let it go.

I've been more of a positive person the past few days....

At least now, (and this is just after a few days) I can say I deserve and receive whatever the universe wants to give me.....instead of, I don't deserve.

So, thank you very much for putting these audios together.

Click here for more info

[yournewapartment]

Hello, I'm the anon who's freaking out about being thrown into adulthood, and thank you for your previous help. 1.) How do I mamage/budget a minimum wage salary? 2.) I've never been great with any sort of organization, but would you mind teaching me about home organization and important paper organization?

Okay, so this post will be about budgeting on minimum wage, and later in the day I will also post about paper organization. Enjoy!

Budgeting on Minimum Wage

Overview

The average minimum wage in the US is $7.25/hr. Even working full time at 40 hours a week, that’s only a profit of $290 before taxes. This is not a fair living wage! You are worth way more than this amount! I strongly encourage you to start looking for another job that pays better, look for something around the $10-$15 range. 

While $7.25 is atrocious, thousands of people around the world support families on much less. If they can do it while supporting children, so can you! To live off a minimum wage budget you need to declare yourself independent. If your parents are still claiming you as a dependent YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO THIS. I also recommend that you have the highest amount possible taken out of your taxes so that you get money back from your state at the end of the year, instead of being in debt to them.

What I’ve done is come up with a budgeting plan based off some made up factors and my own personal experience.

Housing

1. City life. Forget about the city! Apartments located in cities can be three times as expensive as apartments in small towns or villages. On top of the extra expense, they’re much smaller and have less amenities included. I’d much rather live in a one bedroom apartment with a dishwasher and a conveniently located Laundromat, than a literal closet with no windows on a fifth floor walkup. Look for apartments twenty minutes to a half hour outside of your closest city. Now you have the close conveniences of a city, with none of those pesky city prices that your budget can’t handle.

2. College towns. Shop around and look at apartments by local colleges. Large colleges with have apartment complexes within walking distance of the school grounds. Landlords know that college students have less money (you might even be a college student yourself) and adjust their prices accordingly. Even apartments next to ivy league schools are priced this way, so don’t be discouraged by the institution’s “prestige”.

3. Locale. Your safety is more important than your bank account. It doesn’t matter if you live in Section 8 housing or in an affluent suburb. Some apartment complexes and neighborhoods are just safer than others. I live in a heavily populated and upper middle class suburb, and the first year I moved in, a drunk woman tried to throw a beer bottle at my car. Thankfully this is the only time this happened to me, but it made me feel unsafe in my environment. Before signing a lease, walk or drive around your prospective home’s neighborhood at night. Take in the atmosphere, and make sure it’s one where you could comfortably run to the local supermarket at 10:30pm and pick up toilet paper.

4. Roommates. Living on minimum wage requires that you find one or two roommates to help split the rent. The more the better! Get together with your more responsible friends, so at least you’re living with people whose company you enjoy. There are lots of “roommate wanted” forums and message boards for you to browse on the internet, but always bring a responsible adult with you before meeting a stranger. Please. Bring your mom if you have too.

Food

1. Low-spoon food. I created this post a few months ago which offers lots of suggestions about cooking and shopping on a budget.

2. Online recipes. Here are some of my favorite online Tumblr cookbook resources. 

- College Student Cookbook. Click here. 

- Meals On The Go. Click here. (Not a cookbook, but super helpful)

- Broke College Kid Masterpost. Click here.

- Cooking on A Bootstrap. Click here.

- Good and Cheap. Click here.

- Budget Bytes. Click here.

3. I also regularly update my cooking on a budget tag. 

Misc Expenses

1. Gas. Shop around and find the cheapest gas in your area. Avoid gas stations next to colleges, highways, and in touristy areas. Look into getting as gas rewards card from your favorite supermarket. I get 10 cents off a gallon with Stop & Shop every time I do a big shop. 

2. Dollar store. Get to know your local dollar and bargain stores. You can buy everything from pots and pans to bed sheets there. These stores often sell bulk ramen for $1 and large cans of crushed tomatoes for 75 cents. That’s enough food for you to live off of for several days. When shopping, I make three grocery store stops to ensure that I spend the least amount possible on my pantry needs. I go Dollar Store, Stop and Shop, and then to my local organic grocery store. I’m going to make a list of things that I buy at Dollar Stores and things that I don’t buy at Dollar Stores soon!

3. Cable. We are living in the digital age- you don’t need cable television. Use Netflix or Hulu or whatever. It will save you tons of $$. 

4. Internet. As far as internet speed goes, if you’re living with roommates you will probably need a higher speed. Living by yourself, choose a lower one. Most internet companies offer large discounts to new subscribers. These typically only last a year, but will save you serious money. Make sure to take note of when this discount expires, and contact the company before it does. If you don’t, they’ll begin charging you the full amount without notice.

5. Verizon. I just want to take a moment to talk about how much I love Verizon because they have literally saved me so much money in the three years I’ve been with them. After you sign a contract with a new internet company, they charge you a bunch of ridiculous fees like “activation fees” and “installation fees”. I called Verizon and was like “I’m a poor college student, I can’t afford this” and they were like “don’t worry, we’ll waive the fee”. I signed a two year contract with them that saved me $80 on a high-speed internet bill per month (my price being only 50.99 a month). After the contract expired I call them and they put me on a month to month, keeping the price absolutely the same. TLDR- get Verizon if you can.

6. Utility. Get on a monthly budget with whatever utility company services your new apartment. Although it may seem like the cheaper option, paying the actual amount of electricity you spend per month is the more expensive. It’s also unpredictable, and a minimum wage budget won’t allow for it. See this for more info.

7. Amazon. I buy a lot of my beauty, cleaning, and cat products online. Amazon offers Prime shipping free for a year with a student email address, and then offers it at a greatly reduced price after the year. If you are a student, snap up that free deal ASAP. If it’s in your budget, I’d greatly recommend investing in Amazon Prime.

8. Saving money. It’s so important to attempt to break way from the “paycheck to paycheck” vicious cycle. Living this way does not allow for emergency expense money, and trust me, sometime soon you will need emergency expense money. Your cat might get sick or your car may die, whatever it is, it’s always smart to have at least $500 squirreled away. I’m gonna level with you, things have been tight for my budget and I haven’t been able to save anything for the past three months. But this month I will!

Example Budgets

Full Time

Working with the $7.25/hr and 40hr/week model, here’s an example budget for living on minimum wage. That’s $1,160 a month without taxes.

Housing: Let’s say you’re sharing an apartment with two close friends, the rent being $1,500 without any amenities. That rent split three ways is $500 each.

Gas I commute twenty minutes every day, and I drop about $20-$25 a week on gas. That’s $100 on gas a month.

Food: I do one big shopping a month with my boyfriend. We drop around $180 and that’s including toiletries and soap and stuff. So maybe you’ll spend about $100 a month on all your shopping needs.

Cable/internet:  Hopefully you took my advice and skipped cable. Let’s say you’re paying around $50 per month for internet. Split three ways that’s $17 each.

Laundry: Hopefully you’re not like me and are only spending around $20 on laundry per month.

Random expenses: Because there always are some. Let’s just tack on another $100.

With everything added up, you still have around $290 left before taxes! That money can go into a savings account, and after several months, you’ll have that $500 worth of emergency money saved.

Part Time

Working with the $7.25/hr and 25hr/week model, here’s an example budget for living on minimum wage. That’s $725 without taxes.

Housing: In this case, you need to look for apartments in the $800-900 range. In my area, one bedroom apartments go for around $1000, so you may need to get creative with your roommate (I don’t think you could have more than one roommate in this situation). Buy dividers to split the bedroom or studio in half! Let’s say your rent is $850 with nothing included, that’s $425 each.

Gas You’re still looking at a large gas bill per month, so it may be more inexpensive to ride a bike or use public transportation. Let’s say you use public transportation, and spend around $50 a month on that. Or maybe you and your roommate can split gas expenses and share a car?

Food: Pinch those pennies! Use some of those budget cookbooks I linked above to help you cook healthy and delicious meals for under $4 each. See if you can only spend $80 a month on groceries.

Cable/internet:  Hopefully you took my advice and skipped cable. Let’s say you’re paying around $50 per month for internet. Split two ways is $25 each.

Laundry: Hopefully you’re not like me and are only spending around $20 on laundry per month.

Random expenses: Because there always are some. Let’s just tack on another $100.

That leaves you $25 to put in your bank account, if that. This is a paycheck to paycheck situation, and you will probably need to get another source of income to feel secure. But you can still do it!

[scummy-writes]

Can you do the reactions of the RFA + V to MC having a major panic attack? Sorry if it's of any bother, I've just been having a lot of panic attacks as of late and think this would help immensely. Thanks in advance!

(๑ˊ▵ॢˋ̥๑) Take care of yourself, dear! Panic attacks are hard. At my old job I used to struggle with them constantly, so I know how it is. Just be sure to breathe and do what is best for you, and don’t be afraid to ask for help!

Zen

- It was really uncomfortable being with him in public at times.

- Mostly it was dates, but occasionally when you went to go see his plays, his fans were a bit troublesome

- Some knew you, others didn’t, and even if they didn’t even interact with you much, you still felt yourself on high alert and struggling to enjoy his plays

- He was a great actor! But it was just so damn difficult sometimes.

- But you Refused to break down in public. So you barely managed to keep yourself together- Shaking, nails digging into your skin, nerves ready to scream if some one so much as looked at you funny

- It was easy to tell you didn’t feel that great, but you kept the ruse up enough that people didn’t question it.

- When he took you back to his apartment however, that’s when it all just crashed down

- Tears flooded your eyes and you shook violently, wanting to curse at yourself for not being able to at least make it into the bathroom before you broke

- Zen fucking Panicked. He was on you in a flash, carefully holding your arms and keeping you standing

- “Babe? Baby, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

- You couldn’t talk, you felt like your chest was on fire. Instead you just gripped his arms back as strongly as you could muster, but it was still a weak grip.

- He followed you onto the floor, gently pulling you too him as you struggled to breathe, tears soaking his shirt.

- “Shh, babe, I’m right here, I’m right here. Just…Let it out, cry for a bit, and then you can tell me what’s wrong, okay? You’re not hurting right?”

- Your chest was screaming, but you shook your head no.

- It took a while for you to be able to talk right. When you could finally speak, your voice came out almost cracked

- “I’m, I’m sorry. Panic attack.”

- He just nodded, and rocked you back and forth a bit.

- He’d want you to eventually tell him what caused it, so he could help you more in the future, but right now he just wanted to calm you down.

Yoosung

- He looked up to you so much, putting this lovable but nearly impossible weight on your shoulders

- He loved you. He was trying his damn best not to compare you to Rika, but the weight still held you down.

- One night a guest rejected your email, and you felt ashamed. I mean, the stuff they asked should had been easy for you to answer! But you managed to fuck it all up, like normal.

- You debated on how to react. Your whole mind was screaming against you, telling you to throw your phone and scream, but your body was as still as stone.

- You saw Yoosung peer over at you, and then frown as you didn’t respond to his wave

- God, he was just going to berate you. Get that sad little smile as you search his eyes for the words he won’t push out

- “Almost like Rika, but not enough. Shame.”

- Tears prickled at your eyes, and Yoosung immediately was kneeling down to look you in the eyes, your body refusing to move from your position on his bed

- “Hey, mc? Can you hear me? Are you okay?”

- You could only close your eyes, tears rolling down your cheeks. You weren’t ready for this, you weren’t ready to face the fact that you weren’t good enough for someone again

- But those words never left his mouth

- Instead he wrapped his arms around you, rubbing your back and holding you as tightly as he could without hurting you

- He let your tears fall, just offering a few shhs as you tried to talk. But he never said anything negative. Nothing.

- He refused to compare you to her ever again. Especially if just the idea of him doing so set you like this

- Once you could move, once you could talk without it being a stuttering mess, he would calmly ask you what happened. Did someone get hurt? Were you hurt?

- When you showed him the email, he scoffed and just kissed your forehead

- “Mc, it’s fine. One guest reject won’t harm us. Even if just one person came, we would consider that an amazing outcome, okay?”

- You nodded, unsure of the validity of his words, but you decided to take what you could get

- He continued to baby you a bit that day, and even though you felt a bit embarrassed, it felt so comforting to know you were loved.

Jumin

- Every party you went to with him you managed to mess up.

- Stuttering constantly. Stepping on someone’s dress. Botching the pronunciation of a weird menu item.

- They never laughed outloud, or complained, but you could feel the white hot stares they bore into you, crawling up your spine, stabbing each of your ribs.

- You had your panic medication, but you refused to take that in front of any one. You needed to prove to yourself you could last just one dinner. Just one, god please just one

- And you were so far

- Until you spilled red wine all over the white tablecloth.

- The other woman let out a yelp, trying to stop her dress from being stained. She saved hers, while your dress took the brunt of it. The men didn’t offer much of a reaction, Jumin acting quickly and waving a waiter over before the wine could ruin too much,

- But you couldn’t breathe. Those familiar awful feelings were springing up on you, and. And did that man just make fun of you? But it was just- You just couldn’t-

- “I have to go to the restroom.” You sprang out of your seat and booked it.

- It wasn’t far off, but you dashed like someone was about to murder you. You slammed into the woman’s room, shakily shoving your purse on the counter as your hands searched for your meds

- Just two. Two would be enough. You had a few sips of wine, the wine would react to it, and your meds would speed up faster than they normally do.

- But suddenly someone else came in, and you were shaking so harshly your pill bottle was rattling.

- “Mc? Are you alright?”

- Jumin’s hands were on yours in an instant, stopping the pills from moving, holding your hands tight. You tried stumbling out a sentence. He couldn’t be in here, this was-

- “Shh. You were unwell. It’s fine, nothing bad will happen.”

- He takes the bottle from your hands and you want to scream as he reads the label. 

- But, he just pops out two of the pills for you, holds them to your mouth.

- You numbly open your lips, allowing him to place the pills in your mouth. If this was any other moment, you’d feel shame and slap his hand away, but you needed these so badly, and you couldn’t stop shaking

- His worried expression softened when you took them, rubbing them against the bottom of your tongue. After placing the cap back on the bottle, he shoved it in your purse before pulling you tight against him.

- “I know you feel bad about these accidents, but trust me, mc, I’ve seen much worse. No one is judging you. They’ve been in your shoes before.”

- God, you just wanted to melt against him, to just sob out your stress, but you couldn’t. Not right here, even as your eyes watered, not right here

- He kissed your forehead, calling Driver Kim to come pick the both of you up. You tried to stop him, but he shook his head curtly. This wasn’t going to be discussed.

- Once the two fo you went home, he pulled you into bed with him, tucking the covers around any free side of you and holding you tight. He knew you loved cuddling, and if it helped, he would cuddle you all night

Jaehee

- A loud crash shattered against the cafe, you instantly dropping the plastic platter to cover your face

- This was the fourth time this month you had ruined a few cups. This time you even managed a saucer.

- You didn’t want to remove your hands. You could hear snickering, you knew you could, and you could feel your eyes well up

- They couldn’t see you like this

- But you couldn’t move

- You numbly heard Jaehee’s voice for a bit, sounding over the ringing through your head, through your ears, and you blankly followed as an arm wrapped around your shoulders, bringing you away from the mess

- After walking for a bit, calm but firm hands pulled yours away from your face

- Jaehee’s soft and worried face came into view, and as she saw the tears streaking your cheeks she instantly brought a tissue to your face, dabbing carefully

- “I-I-I’m so sorryIjustcouldn’t-”

-” Shhhh, shh shh, mc. It’s alright. It’s okay. Those were very cheap cups, don’t worry.”

- “B-but-”

- “Shush.” It was firm, but quiet. She sat you down at the table in the back room were the two of you were, silently getting a cup of hot water and a tea bag.

- She sat in front of you, steeping the tea a bit, then adding honey before sliding it closer to you.

- “It’s hot, but drink it. It’ll calm you down.”

- You shakily reached for it, almost wanting to dump the whole thing on you because you felt as though you deserved it. but…That’d just be another mess for Jaehee.”

- She watched you drink it, placing her hand over your free one when you could hold the cup with just one hand. Her thumb rhythmically rubbed a circle on the back of your hand, and she even started humming a bit.

- Soon, the quiet but warm setting of the room calmed your thumping heart, and you were able to breathe normally.

- When you finished the tea, she sat up and cupped your face in both hands, kissing your lips.

- “I love you, mc.”

- “I love you too.”

Seven

- Admittedly, you were so scared the moment he mentioned all the people that could come after him.

- At first you dismissed it, then you tried too later when the ‘hacker’ ordeal was over, but it kicked into full swing one night when the security system went off one day.

- It was all fine, just the system freaking out over a toy that had started up at 4 am rather than at 4 pm. Nothing that he couldn’t fix

- But you were on the floor of the bedroom by the time he came back from checking on it- Choking on your sobs as you held your knees to your chest

- He instantly dropped to the floor, sliding over to you and grabbing your cheeks, trying to get you to look at him.

- “Hey, hey, Mc, oh god, are you hurt? Are you okay?”

- “S-S-Someones after you-”

- “No, no honey, no they’re not, It was just a toy, I promise, I checked everything, It was just a toy.”

- “bb-bbut-”

- “No no, shhh, shh, oh god I’m so sorry.”

- He held you to him, rocking you back and forth as he repeatedly told you step by step of what had happened. Explaining all the little details he did to absolutely make sure no one was after him.

- After ten minutes like this, your death-like grip on his shirt loosened, and he pulled back a bit.

- You were breathing almost normally, tears dripping slower, and he just kissed them all away.

- It was difficult, but he managed to pull you up and get you back onto the bed, where he instantly wrapped the both of you up tightly in the big fluffy blanket he had.

- He spent the night muttering loving things to you until you could fall asleep, so happy to be able to calm you down that much.

V

- V was one of the calmest people you had met

- He was so sweet, so caring, so soft spoken

- But one day you accidentally knocked over a plant of his- Completely ruining it and it’s pot.

- The both of you bent down to clean the shards up, but with a hiss he accidentally had cut his hand

- At the sight of blood you lost it

- You managed to hurt him, just like Rika had

- You managed to cause him pain, something you never ever wanted to do in your life time

- He didn’t deserve it anymore, he didn’t

- It took you a while to focus back on reality. Honestly, just thirty seconds, but you felt trapped in your mind for much longer than that.

- With his free hand he cupped your cheek, pressing his thumb against your lips

- “Shh, you didn’t hurt me. It was an accident. When she did it, it wasn’t an accident.”

- Oh god you were talking outloud. Oh my god. You started shaking, but he hushed you again.

- “Mc, shh. Focus, focus. There’s a towel in the kitchen. Get that for me, please.”

- You scrambled to your legs, nearly knocking oer a kitchen chair as you grabbed the towel.

- The whole time he dabbed at his hand, you felt your head point and static ring in your ears- And you swore you could feel static rubbing against your brain.

- His lips were moving,and it was so damn hard for you to focus at first

- “Mc? Look, it’s a very small cut, not deep at all. It won’t even leave a scar, okay?”

- Once the blood was wiped off, it…It really did look small.

- You started breathing a bit easier, your breath hitching a bit, as he pushed the broken pieces of the pot aside and carefully led you to the couch

- He held you against him, peppering your forehead and head with kisses, repeating over and over how it was just an accident.

- It would take a while for you to calm down, but when you did, he gave you such a warm, sweet, small smile

- “Mc, you are the greatest person to ever grace me. I promise, you could never hurt me like that. I love you, okay?”

- “Okay.”

Saeran

- You woke up already in a panic, lingering memories running down your spine

- You already couldn’t breathe. You were trying to suck in enough air but it wasn’t helping

- With constantly shaking hands, you reached out to Saeran, who was laying on his back and deep asleep

- You shook him, one...Two...Three times. He didn’t wake up yet, and you were freaking out so bad you had already started crying

- You gave him a harsher shake, and he groaned and finally blinked a bit. Rubbing his eye he turned to look at you, then froze.

- “I-I I can’t think right I can’t stop shaaking-”

- Without any prompting, he instantly pulled you to him, burying your face in his chest as he just wrapped his arms around you.

- He held your head against him, just trying to make you feel safer and stop shaking. It took a while, but eventually your body stopped trembling so harshly

- “Mc, what happened?”

- “B-Bad dream. Bad bad dream.”

- He didn’t laugh, he didn’t make fun of you. He kissed your head and started rubbing your back, repeating “You’re okay” over and over, until his warmth and voice was all you could focus on.

- He didn’t stop until he knew you were asleep. He pulled away a bit, situating the two of you into a much comfortable position, before kissing your head and going back to sleep with you firmly in his arms.

[gayyogurt-blog]

What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown

What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown

October 10th is World Mental Health Day.

You can't tell by looking at me, but three years ago, I had a complete breakdown-or an emotional health crisis. A lot has happened in the time since. I've taken a few steps forward, then twice the amount of steps back. I've been split apart and put back together. But most importantly, I'm still here, still navigating who I've become in the aftermath of something so earth-shattering, and still hoping to be seen.

If you've never witnessed, experienced, or heard of a mental health breakdown, it's an acute manifestation of an already lingering anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. The result is an inability to function in everyday life, feelings of hopelessness, and/or a feeling that you will never be “normal” again. It's an isolated state because you've either hidden the warning signs from loved ones, or denied them yourself. Even when managed, my anxiety and depression have me white-knuckling a cliff so as not to drop. If you know what panic feels like, then imagine a breakdown as a heightened version of that state-like trying to see through your car windshield while driving in a monsoon. That feeling doesn't let up until you've quite literally cracked up.

My experience, which happened after months of ignoring red flags, was a combination of stress, undiagnosed disorders wreaking havoc on my everyday life (specifically OCD and PTSD), occasional suicidal ideation, and the smallest of triggers (an argument that quickly went awry). In an instant, my panic inflated from 1 to 100. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see past my rapid heartbeat. I not only felt like the room was collapsing in on me, but the whole world. This definitive moment-one so burned into my memory that I can recall an internal sound, like the heated sizzle of my short-circuiting brain wires-became the catalyst for why I split in two.

There was the me before this event, and the me after. The in-between no longer existed.

Immediately after, I was numb. I'd been protected by a shell until the shell splintered and disintegrated to nothing. Left to fend for myself (or so I felt at the time), I became catatonic, fueled only by tears and the belief that I could never be okay again. I still remember lying on the floor with my laptop in front of me, desperate to find the help I knew I so desperately needed. But, as I quickly found, mental health care is complicated.

Here are some things I learned throughout this incredibly raw time. I hope this information can help you if you ever find yourself in a similar situation:

1. You have to reach out, even if you don't feel like it.

At the time, I was blessed with an amazing support system at my job. They weren't only my friends or my coworkers, but my family. Even still, I hesitated telling them what had happened to me, for fear of judgment. I was embarrassed by something that I couldn't control.

When I finally sent the emails and texts explaining what I was recovering from, I felt a sense of relief by getting it off my chest and I was greeted with the exact love, support, and encouragement that I should've come to expect from these people. I will forever consider them my saviors for hearing me, seeing me, and reminding me that I am not alone in this world. If you don't have a support system, it's imperative that you talk to someone. Take advantage of counselors through accessible mental health resources. It could mean the difference between coming back from the brink or dropping from that aforementioned cliff.

Your mental health is important too #WorldMentalHealthDay pic.twitter.com/9Y2znMhm5P

- Action for Happiness (@actionhappiness) October 9, 2018

2. The path to recovery may be tedious.

Shortly after my breakdown, as I lay on the floor with my laptop while my husband desperately tried to understand, I searched for help. And I searched. And I searched. And I searched. Turns out, when you factor in insurance barriers, the fact that you are not feeling suicidal in that exact moment, and a doctor's track record for successful treatment, finding good health care is more difficult than it sounds. Most of the professionals who I wanted to see were completely booked with appointments that had already been set months in advance. and had room for emergencies only. I wasn't a threat to myself-just more dazed and lost than usual-and I told myself that those spots should be reserved for someone in far darker places than I felt at the time. But I still needed help.

Days later, I called a help line and an inpatient facility, and the reality of it all terrified me into hanging up. I believed I could figure it out on my own-however wrong that idea was. But I forced myself to keep searching for treatment because my life and emotional well-being was at stake. I am so glad I did, because I eventually found the right, available doctors for me.

No matter how much work it is, you have to keep searching.

Leanne Surfleet/Getty Images

3. Go to the appointments and do the work, even when it gets exhausting.

At the beginning of my treatment, I went through three forms of therapy. I'm a believer in going big or going home, and this was the most important thing I've ever needed to go big for. One therapist specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), where I learned tools for grounding myself in the present moment. CBT challenged me to stop grieving my past and to stop looking into the future so I could breathe in the present. I'm not going to lie; it's hard. I failed (still fail) often. It takes practice, and sometimes, I don't feel mentally fit to go through the motions. But when done properly, it works for me.

My second therapist helped me work through childhood traumas that were the long-standing cause of my breakdown. These sessions were emotionally draining and I often left exhausted after cleansing myself of all that plagued me. Seeing this therapist meant facing my demons head on. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done and, to be honest, I stopped going after my grandmother died. As my therapist herself warned, my grandma was the glue holding a lot of me together. Without her in my life, I didn't feel strong enough to continue such intensive therapy. That's what's so hard about these disorders: They lie, convincing you that you aren't strong enough. I know I am now.

The third form of therapy was group grief counseling to address my deepest wound-the loss of my biological father to cancer. As I sat, listening to others share their stories of loss, I began to understand that I truly wasn't alone. On some level, we all understand pain.

KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty Images

4. Practice continual self-care.

As the mother of two children with multiple jobs and to-do lists, I'm never not busy. That takes a toll. After the incident, I took a hard look at all I'd done to take care of myself despite whatever life demanded of me-a kind of inventory. Turns out, I'm the last person that I care for, often shorting myself in the event that someone else needs something first. I wasn't doing myself or my emotional health any favors by trying to please everyone all the time, holding my frustrations inside, and blaming myself for every upsetting moment in the history of life.

Today, we are highlighting the millions of strong and brave individuals who live with mental illness. Remember, your journey is worth sharing. #MIAW pic.twitter.com/DtIrFfcOME

- NAMI (@NAMICommunicate) October 9, 2018

5. Accept that caring for your mental health is an ongoing, imperfect journey.

Three years ago, I didn't know how to forgive myself for things beyond my control. I didn't know how to move on from my past or how to admit I'm a flawed human who sometimes needs more than she's willing to ask for (if she'll even ask at all). I still suffer from my disorders and I still have to work to manage them. But now, when all starts feeling lost again, I don't ignore the warning signs. I take precautionary measures like seeking support and health care, pouring myself into something that makes me happy, practicing self-care, and most of all, being patient with myself.

Mental health isn't a destination; it's a journey you'll be on for the rest of your life.

One bad day doesn't ruin them all. You will mess up. You will still cry. You will still battle the same emotions that brought you to your knees in the first place. In the three years since I've accepted my reality, I now understand things I couldn't in my “before.” I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, and if you see pieces of yourself in my story, then let me be the first to say that you are, too.

So, hold on, friend. You are seen.

If you are struggling and need help, call the National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–6 p.m., ET. If this is an emergency, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or text NAMI's Crisis Line at 741-741.

The post What I've learned about caring for my mental health since having a breakdown appeared first on HelloGiggles.