#and what did i do today without thinking
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the cons of having adhd is that although caffeine chills me out and makes me a bit sleepy, no matter how much i convince myself the same effects happen with sugar they absolutely never do
#i always eat sugar thinking “oh yeah this probably won't do me too bad” WRONG#IT'S SO MUCH WORSE#I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO EXPLODE#one thing i always have to remind myself is never eat sugar for breakfast because i WILL be buzzing the entire day#and what did i do today without thinking#ate sugar for breakfast#i mean I'm okay now i ate other stuff#but like it feels so funny being so zoomy and speedy when the rest of me rn is just like “blehh...”#my mental is calm cool and collected but my physical feels like i could run around do 5 laps then explode#the sugar is crashing currently and i feel insanely exhausted#this has all happened in the span of 30 minutes mind you#rambling to self#adhd problems
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☀️ IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! 🌙
This is my gift to myself :) I drew my favorite guys ever.
For a while I've been itching to draw the wedding outfits from this post again. I made them up on the fly as I was drawing, but I actually really like how they ended up turning out. They're super cute!! (though, yet again, you can't see almost any part of Dedede's outfit... 💔)
But then I couldn't get it out of my head to make a companion piece for it, with their mirror versions. And so. I did. What they have going on is a little bit messy, though...
Marriage or divorce!! Take your pick.
#kirby#kirby series#meta knight#king dedede#metadede#dark meta knight#shadow dedede#mirror metadede#i do like mirror mtdd. like a lot. but poor planning ahead with hcs and ocs caused them to end up. kind of doomed in my thing lol#maybe i'll go in depth about it one day. as much as i can anyway. i haven't fully figured it out myself#my art#couple details:#mk's tooth gaps are probably one of my favorite parts of his drawing. they're just so cute i'm so glad i knocked his teeth out#while mtdd is on Non Descript Happy Place mirror mtdd is specifically in the dimension mirror level from katam and ktd#just slightly. sparklier and shinier. because that's just how i do things. and without the buildings#i did try to add them but it made everything busier than it already was#mirror mtdd's faces are obscured on purpose but if you look closely you can catch a peek of dmk's expression through his veil#which! it's meant to be kind of like a widow's veil.. symbolism and what not#i couldn't think of what the opposite of a star was so i did hearts (for the plating. cheeks. and pauldrons)#i fucked up the rings.. because i got my lefts and rights confused..#but i kept it Anyway because it looked cool. i'm sorry though it's so annoying once you notice#i still have the flats and a better look at ddd's outfit (and a Little of sddd's face)#so maybe i'll post that later#i think that's about it#i'm 20 today :) sigh. the passage of time#god the way this has been crunched sickens me. don't look closer actually
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Wish wish wishhhh we'd seen the reactions of Julian's friends to the enhancements reveal. Miles' was lovely, ofc, but we got like, a slice of Sisko and then crickets.
And obviously Garak's reaction would have been priceless, but also what about Jadzia? And Kira? And Odo? And and and... I just feel so robbed every time I remember we didn't see it :(
#Full disclosure this comes off the back of seeing a post saying 'we saw everyone else's reactions but what about Garak?'#And I was just like '🧐 I know you all love Garak the most but also I don't think we did...'#And that made me stop and think for a second before realising QUITE how little we actually got and feeling outraged once again#Because y'know you do see a lot of posts about 'why was garak missing from DBIP 😢' and I'm not saying I disagree#But actually only Miles got a chance to properly react#And that was wonderful#But really we didn't see anyone else in that episode apart from Sisko after that seen#And that's a tragedy all of its own#That there were characters who COULD have been in the script without the issues of getting Andy Robinson on set etc.#And we didn't get to see them#Sorry I'm rambling#I'm too tired#And should have gone in the shower twenty minutes ago...#Welp#Night night!#Ds9 rant#😅 2 for 2 today#Wsb
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Just noticed during the trial when they stand Madeleine up, and she first looks back at Claudia, Claudia gives her a little nod... and yet she looks so downcast after and surprised when Madeleine declares her loyalty and love for Claudia... was Claudia nodding at her to say "it's okay", expecting not to be chosen? I am unwell
#interview with the vampire#iwtv amc#iwtv#claudeleine#i am just. hello??#someone pls share their thoughts on this with me#my brain is soupy today and i cannot fully articulate what i am getting at here. but.#i wonder if a part of claudia didn't want to be chosen if it meant madeleine would live. some small part of her. the one that#fled bc she was too tempted by madeleine's blood and who worried about lestat's blood being in madeleine too#but even if a part of her DID want for madeleine to survive... claudia wanted to be chosen more i think#and it's so beautiful and my brain is too bad to do what i wanna say justice but g o d i am Not Okay tbh!!!#claudia nodding in encouragement and acceptance only to learn that madeleine would sooner die with her than live without her
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after finally playing scarlet witch long enough to get this icon ive decided that you really have to love wanda to get this icon
anyway Bonus cause Heh....... Fam.....
#marvel rivals#snap chats#UGH FINALLY#got everything i needed to get done today Done so of course that meant it was finally time to grind out the rest of wanda's proficiency#and yeah no there's a reason she's ranked the lowest dps on a lot of tier lists i think im so sorry wanda#she's not UNUSABLE she absolutely has her uses and it's not automatically game-losing if you pick her but Man...#i think her biggest draw back's her ult you have to use it so carefully and it has so many counters#you're really more safe not using it unless you have the most optimal set up or you can sneak it in an get maybe a pick or two#idk. i have a vid bookmarked on how the number one wanda player plays so i might watch that later just to see what i could do better#but for now.. Im Done... i prob wont play wanda again unless we need a dps and we have a mags or i feel silly.. or she gets a new skin..#but how rare of circumstances are those am i right.. lol ..#i could prob sit here and do an actual long and fair analysis of her playstyle like i did with mags but unless someone asks i prob wont#me usually play mags/tank definitely factors a bit into my struggling tho i do want to be fair and say that LOL#im far too used to being able to front line without any concern about dying easily and having a lot of defensive options#as i began to play more SW it became easier for me to know when to pull back as well as recognize i cant always engage by myself#so i def appreciate what i was able to learn while playing SW .. gotta remember i am made of glass and not steel anymore#cant wait to do all of this if charles gets added to the game ajVLKEJAELKJ if he's support i think ill have an easier time#i find support to be a lot more suitable for me as a role than dps- love that for me i love the two roles no one likes playing jVLKAEJ#its not that dps isnt fun or i dont find dps valuable as a role.. just aint for me... and thats ok..#anyways.... im gonna have dinner lol...
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repeating myself here, but for good reason: the Silliness of the dafpork dynamic, however you determine the definition of Silliness, is really so integral to me and i think a big part of what makes them so special and personal. and i think that's a big reason why i was so afraid to post even the most innocuous stuff on main--even if they're not being clingy or cute together in a drawing, even in the comics where they're bickering like children or just being Themselves, there's this undercurrent of love beneath it that feels so comparatively intimate. they can have their moments of Unabashed Earnest, and they stand out much more and feel more special when you have them being dumb together to contrast it with... it's hard to pin down and they're hard to pin down, and that's why i love 'em, y'know? the variations on their dynamic is boundless, and so is their love, and so is their hijinks. they're not easily squeezed into an identifiable little box, and while i think that can trip some people up, i think it works to such a great strength with them. it's why i have trouble doing ask memes or drawing prompts with them (though i should try more!), because Dafpork Is Dafpork--they have minds and emotions and dispositions of their own and this blog functions to just sit back and observe what that all is, rather than force it. and that's how you get such a broad spectrum of Stuff, too; them being cute together, or being obnoxious, whether at each other or with each other, or they're not quite anything at all because the only one who knows what they are is each other. there's just truly so much and i really don't think it can be condensed into a bite sized trope or sweeping label.. and considering Daffy's anarchy and Porky's stubbornness, that feels very fitting. maybe it's a reason as to why it's difficult for some people to get on board with them, but i feel like it's such a great strength, and it's a great motivator to spread their gospel all the more, too! to try and get people to understand! so thank you for reading this, because if you're here then it shows you're curious and want to uncover more about them. me too!
#I KNOW I KEEP SAYING THIS but i'm in a I Wanna Talk About Pig and Duck mood today#i'm really trying to embrace... gosh i don't know how to say this without sounding conceited so please pardon my lofty wording here#but i'm trying to embrace being a bit of a pioneer with them yknow? i have to beat 'nobody's doing what you're doing so you need to stop#because it's wrong' out of my head#like that was why i was so mortified with this not-so-double dafpork life.. i can't be a respected industry artist and also... DRAW CARTOON#CHARACTERS *KISSING*!! I CAN'T WRITE DEEP SCHOLARLY ANALYSES ABOUT THESE CARTOONS AND THEIR HISTORY AND APPLY IT TO MY PIG AND DUCK SANDBOX#ON THE SIDE!#...why not?#stifling myself is only going to encourage others to do the same and considering i am absolutely desperate for dafpork interactions that's#not a good goal!#and i'm not completely out of the woods. i'm keeping all of this to tumblr and discord#but it's progress#i just really want others to see Their Greatness and it's been effective! never did i think i'd be using this blog#but i want MOREEEEE i want random people who don't even care about these guys to like them and talk about them#i want people to be able to feel what i feel about them and i can't force people to#but i can maintain my quest of hopefully articulating the full extent of the love i have for them#which is very difficult... but that love is infinite which means i have infinite chances to do so#BUT ANYWAY. again reflecting on how i wanna do so much with these guys but the more conventional stuff like ask games and drawing prompts#are tough for me because i have a hard time fitting them into those prompts. their personalities are too big for that? i guess? it's weird#to describe. and it stinks because i want to do these things! and i mean i'm sure i can if i look hard enough#it's just hard bc i wanna talk about them but i have so much in my head i don't know where to start and prompt games aren't as helpful as#they could be. and a lot of what i do want to talk about i gotta keep a surprise somewhat/way too far along in the actor au to make much#sense right now#i'll figure it out someday though#📝#but anyway if you want to talk about the pig and duck with me this is your chance! my inbox is always open
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i think i have art block a bit.
at least i tried something a little different in my art process, but idk if it looks any better or worse.
#everything looks awful to me bc of art block#i kindaaa think his face is a little more canon but#i thought that before and looked back on a drawing and thought it was so shit#i redrew his face at least#and idk how i ended up with this color palette but#its nice i suppose#i just slapped two different overlay layers down and changed the hue until it looked okay#i did proper greyscaling#then put colors over it#which OOF its so annoying doing it on paint tool sai because of the way the overlay layer makes the colors#and then rendered it after#im stucking comparing myself to other artists#me when artist is the same age or slightly younger than me in a fandom#i feel so awful about my art#im working on making it better though :((#but it still feels bad no matter what#im gonna do some head drawings today#without head studies yet#just need a short break from studying#cyberpunk 2077#cyberpunk#johnny silverhand#cbp2077#cyberpunk 2077 fanart#cyberpunk fanart#johnny silverhand fanart#fanart#digital art#paint tool sai 1
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froakie must've felt so satisfied for achieving success by choosing ash after so many failed attempts with other trainers
the mere fact that he finally found that "love" he always wanted must've already been such a big milestone for him in life.
-🦋
In a way I really did enjoy how they mixed things up with Ash's obligatory 'tough' Starter this time, especially as most of them were abandoned by their Trainers (Charizard, Infernape, Pignite) or just didn't have any contact with people before (Sceptile). But instead Froakie wanted to find a Trainer and has picked them out himself, reversing the way the relationship usually starts out, and being a great foil with the other Starters/Pokemon as well.
The fact that Froakie has been searching for a while before Ash is something that I've always thought about, myself. He's left at least 8 people considering the shadows? And the way that Olympia said that humans taught it that in order to be stronger he needed a bond (but through feelings, not words), the way he wanted a lot from his Trainer, that he was searching for someone that was worth risking everything for, looking for 'love' - to me, it is an all-encompassing feeling that he's been searching for. Love so much that you would do anything for Pokemon like he would do anything for you. Give and take. Froakie did not expect a relationship where he had to carry out everything that the Trainer wanted without question - he wanted a relationship where his opinions and thoughts mattered just as much, to deal with the potential he always felt inside of him. And it is a lot, to balance a relationship in that manner. A lot of new Trainers would not even realise that is an option, and that's what initially threw him off.
Froakie is very persistant, it's true, but he can also be impatient at times. Would he have bothered to stay by Sycamore's lab any longer, considering how he was up and around Lumiose watching Ash? Would he still stick by his resolve to find the perfect Trainer, no matter the failures he had recieved? I don't think he would lower his standard, but at some point, he probably did wonder if there was someone out there who held the love that he wanted. When he first laid eyes on Ash, noticing how Pikachu was and their shared interest in battle, it piqued his interest. But it was the way they faced down Team Rocket despite being overpowered, Ash helping Pikachu even though he couldn't stand up to their might, that's when Froakie saw what he wanted.
To him, I think that feeling of love felt like the static shock he felt when being hit by that Electro Ball being reflected by Wobbuffet. Twice as strong, utterly paralyzing, weakening him completely. But also-- the feeling of two hands around him, and a voice calling out to him, and the wind as he was rushed into care. Love was knowing that someone had your back and will support you, even when the odds were impossible. And considering how much they'll go through, I don't think Greninja regretted a thing.
#going to answer this one first bc it's similar to the one you already sent me (in which i was going to answer today anyways)#hmm could i say that bayleef barely had contact with ppl?? idk lol#also not to take away from snivy who did run away from a trainer and fend off others. but she didn't really strive for one#like how froakie did. she was content in being free if that meant having a good life#i love how like cyndaquil and oshawott (and maybe turtwig??) have like no trauma or emo phase heh. so normal#i think i said it before but the early eps really do show froakie's mindset so well ngl#because he also realises that he has to put effort into the relationship. he can't just brush ash off#or do what he wants without telling him. it's a balancing act#and then even more so when having to adapt to other team members (e.g. hawlu)#that the love is not split between others but is instead magnified as well#you become stronger with others not by alienating them#basically him having to put that love out just as much as he gets it#but yeah i do feel like he let out a sigh of relief on that healing bed after coming conscious. it was a promising sign#and the garchomp incident just further solidifyed the fact for him. that this is the one and he would be a fool to let him go#diancie delivers#btw i've seen around fandom that all of his old trainers were bad/abusive and idk but it never explicitly said that in canon??#they were just not compatible. it was even said that as new trainers not everything goes right or as you expect#they're just kids that got a self-governed frog out of all the starters and had a hard time#not through any real fault of their own. and i don't think froakie hated them just wished that they were more ig#i mean there's always the one but not all of them?????
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them: is this the hill you want to die on?
me: no, but it’s where I’ll leave your corpse
#back on my bullshit#anyways#almost sliced part of my finger off with a knife today#it must run in the family#bc my grandfather once got his finger chopped off by a chainsaw#they never found the finger btw#also it was his ring finger? we aren’t entirely sure how he did that without getting any other fingers#I am actively crying#I think I’m in shock#I do not handle blood well#OH YES#I fainted#that is very much also a thing that happened#lol#delete later#this is how I handle inconveniences now I guess#straightupchaos#more like straight up LOSING MY MIND#but everything is fine. triple antiseptics. if it’s still a problem tomorrow superglue fixes all#yeah this family vacation is going GREAT#seriously: I am having a good time despite the injury#does this count as a life update?#I think it does#no promises what fics are getting done LMAO
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I think it just hit me that I’m actually getting better
#like it feels silly to happen now bc I’ve been on my new meds for months but I was getting worse for so long#and like my physical health is still very two steps forward one and a half back but#this week I’ve been doing things my brain wouldn’t have let me do at all a few months ago because the risk of being sick and making a mess#was too high according to my risk assessment#and I just casually did them multiple times this week without realizing it until after#I walked around in just my underwear. I left the bathroom to grab a towel and dry off#I got changed in my room#I haven’t trusted my body enough to do those since like at latest February 2023#probably a lot earlier#I ate beans yesterday#I didn’t get scared about not being sick today#normally I get very scared if I’m not because it’s interrupting the routine and what if it means I’m sick at a less manageable time#I just. like I think I’m actually getting better
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its crazy that ppl i barely talk to in uni actually know me. first of all how do you even remember my name and second of all why are you texting me to give you what we do in class😭😭😭😭
#z xarre#yesterday one of my 'new' classmates asked me BY NAME what we did in class on monday#and today a girl i was in a project with (a very silly project which i barely remember doing anything for) texts me if i can give her#what we do in the first hour of today's class. literally how do u ppl remember my name i talk with three ppl total from my degree😭😭😭😭#and worst part of all? i dont know their names. not that i dont remember. i dont KNOW their names. never got the chance to learn them#so how did they find out my name. i think ppl have to talk abt me and say how offputting i am bc otherwise i cant understand ppl bothering#to learn my name without ever talking to me yknow
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Still no craft updates on account of I feel Bad* but I did get like half a beanie crocheted this weekend? I also have a bat that's haunting me. In that there's a bat design I desperately want to turn into a plushie not in that I am being literally haunted by a bat. As far as I know I am not haunted by a bat but to be fair I'm not confident I'd know? *my heart rate got high enough that made me cough but my asthma was flaring up enough that cough launched me into an asthma attack, which raised my heart rate even more, so basically I used my emergency inhaler and then was on the floor for a while. Feels bad! Do not recommend. I'm okay though just tired
#the person behind the yarn#the reason my heart rate got that high is that my pulse pressure was very narrow#which is. you know. bad.#so I finally gave in and took an extra dose of my meds (as my doctor has advised in the past)#what is probably happening is that I reached the point of stressed where my body couldn't cope#(I'm on long term steroids so I need stress doses if I get too stressed)#but! because acute stress can trigger an allergic reaction (yay MCAS) I tend to kinda...shunt stress off to the side#and come back to process it when it's less like. urgent? immediate?#when it no longer feels like it will trigger an MCAS flareup if I acknowledge the feeling exists#and I do go back and process those emotions! I just have to get a little distance first#and the work stress lately has been so unrelenting (combined with the like...general world news stress)#that I have been ignoring my own stress levels so hard I genuinely did not think I was stressed#or that I needed a stress dose of my meds but uh. I was wrong!#I was wrong. Good news is now that I know I should be good in a day or two#doc said three days for stress doses and today was day one#bad news is narrow pulse pressure combined with asthma attack feels Very Bad!#very bad indeed took me like 20-30 minutes and two different kinds of medication before I could talk normally#without having to pause and catch my breath midsentence#every time I start thinking 'you know maybe I'm not really disabled maybe my health stuff is under control'#it pops up like a jack in the box like surprise! it's the same thing again still here! the meds just hide it most of the time#but it's still there :) lurking :) when I least expect it :)#...I think I might buy myself another sticker or two. something to look forward to coming in the mail
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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My sister calls me stupid for autistic behavior.
I secretly call her stupid for not recognizing autistic behavior because she’d say that I’m using my diagnosis as an excuse for my behavior if I did tell her straight to her face.
#attempts at socializing#vent#sometimes I wish I could tell her that to her face but she’ll tell me I’m using that as an excuse#today I called for help in my usual ‘make some noises and hope for the best’ without her around#in like a job place training session of sorts#they did help me and it made me realize the extent of how she damaged my self worth#especially when she got mad at me at something that I never really thought of (leaving fish bones on the plate while there’s still fish)#I wonder what she thinks being autistic truly means sometimes#maybe she never thinks about it at all when evaluating me as a person#I wish someone would teach her (and my mom maybe) what my autism makes me do and what it truly is#and not berating me for my so-called ‘stupidness’#because I don’t want to just cry and forget about this shit#actually autistic#autism
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.
#this morning my coworker and I went to get breakfast#and I made myself a little yogurt cup#and she grabbed my lid for me#and then when we were heading out#she grabbed a spoon for me too#and she did it without even thinking#and something about someone seeing what I needed and getting it for me without a thought even giving it a second thought#it just made me feel seen and loved in the smallest way#people really show you they care in the littlest ways but they do show you#all the time#anyways idk if that’s sad or what but a spoon made me cry at my desk today#think my mental health is not well right now to be so moved by something like such a tiny act of kindness
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talked to my friends about fortnite cause onea em keeps asking me to play and i was like 'you know my rules' which invites our other friend to start talking about how well they modeled magneto In Fortnite because he knows My Rules and overall how cool he was and chat when i tell you i was trying very hard not to be a freak about magneto to this person who does not know I Am A Moderate Freak About Magneto ...
#snap chats#i think he's catching on to the fact im unwell but let me be delusional a little longer...#nawww cause this friend was like 'i love how they modeled his head without the helmet :)' and i screamed internally#he definitely knows cause i literally stood up and did a zesty little contained spin after he said that#like yeah i know my wifes beautiful what do you want from me to throw up and cry on the spot because i will#like oh my god be normal for fiiiive seconds#anyway they visited cause they went to new york today and Friend 1 brought me back jollibees.....#new snap lore detail for those not in the know I Fucking Love Jollibees So Much <- filipino chicken place and heaven on earth#i am married to that bee idgaf that is my wife THEIR PIES ARE SO GOOD ADN I LOVE THEIR GRAVY AN PASTA AND#anyways. yeah so they stuck around for Way Longer Than Expected JVELKJEKAJV#and we was just talkin ...... im still waiting for them to put magneto back into fortnite...#the day that happens i shouold start streaming again .... lol ..... that wont happen im lying to all of you right now#anyway im sleeping now good night everyone !!!!!!! they should add magneto back into fortnite because i said so
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