#and while i focus on that it's.. alright
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bruv comparison is truly the mind killer like damn...
#life#idk i'm mostly fine in my little bubble of just making stuff i'm passionate about#and while i focus on that it's.. alright#(considering all the other irl things i have to deal with it's like.. internet stuff is the least of my problems)#but i'm sometimes reminded that internet IS just another popularity contest#and i was never very good at those#i'm just not a particularly likeable person#(which is fine because people who like me like me for who i am)#but at the same time i feel like i pour so much of myself into the things i make#i work so so so hard i spend so much time on the little details#i focus on quality#and yet.. it feels like it's just not enough#what's the point of putting literal days of work into something#when others quickly snap a bunch of screenshots and call it a day#the notes/likes/whatever can be rough sometimes#and i start thinking 'well if this is not good enough for my friends to share with others then why would strangers share it either'#i'm uh... yeah i'm not feeling great as an artist these days#i can barely function enough to even make things#most of the time i am too overwhelmed to even talk to people#i simply cannot also be a marketing manager#i also can't just fake all the buttering up to others and pimping myself out like a product#like.. i could do it but it's just not who i am#i can't bear the fakeness of it all#anyway.. time to take my meds and go sit outside a bit and hope i feel better and more motivated to create again
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Happy Mermay! I had a doodle planned so here's an insight on an old AU idea I had. I called it Nautical Ink...the concept speaks for itself.
#chocodoodles#nautical ink au#mermay#bendystraw#cuphead#mugman#batim#this isn't all there is but it's not an au I have focus on at the moment#I have way more but Im tryna focus on the few that I've worked on more#this also has pirates in it its the pirate au#Cups likes his fish alright#have this while I work on that comic I teased
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Colin Morgan in season 1 of Humans I want you.
(Timelapse below)
#and season 3 <3#remember when I said 5 hours ago that I hoped to put out more Colin art soonish#well… it was sooner than I thought I guess !!#in my defence I only drew the top one just now !#the other two were in the drafts for a while…#I’m watching the living and the dead currently and MY GOD#Mr Nathan FARKS !!#he’s so sexy#ehem anyway !#I’m also listening to Colin narrate Terry Pratchett’s wizard series and I could not understand Colin in the beginning !!#not because he’s Irish but also because he’s Irish… I was listening so intently to his lovely accent that I didn’t hear a word he said /:#(it was easier to focus on after he put on silly voices for the different characters <3)#alright ! I’m done updating you on my Colin ongoings!! enjoy the art (:#Colin Morgan#Colin Morgan Fanart#Leo Elster#Humans 2015#digital art#kr_yoongi
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FINALLY!! At long last, I've gotten my hands on a Pumpkin Kitty, after a whole year of wanting and waiting.
Her name is Latte! (Short for Miss Pumpkin Spice Latte) You can also call her Miss Spice!
#I spent 10 minutes picking her out omfg#not even exaggerating. I was deciding between this one and one of the last 3 unstuffed PKs#altogether there was only 5 of them left in the store including the 2 stuffed displays#the other one I was looking at had a nearly perfect pumpkin eye patch but less pumpkins overall#and their face wasn't as nice plus the ears were a bit wonky for my taste.#tho it was really hard to tell which would be better while they were unstuffed and flat#in the end I chose Latte because right away she looked to have a sweet face. her ears were nice and she had better patch placement#including a couple full patches on her tail#tbh if I'd had the money I might have bought both because the decision was hard#the bear builder actually asked if I was alright while I concentrated on studying each of those damn cats#I apologized and explained wtf was up with me. she was very understanding#I've always had this quirk where sometimes it'll take forever for me to pick between plushies I really want#especially if they're both the same exact plush. because then I gitta focus harder on finding out which has the better personality#you get what I mean?#anyways this has been a thing for me even as a real little kid#I remember spending and hour-hour and a half almost every time when my dad took me to choose my monthly webkinz#“my monthly webkinz” god that makes me sound so privileged. it was the nicest/best thing my dad could afford to get me because we were poor#he wanted to spoil me as all good fathers do but that was the most he could afford and I was always so grateful and still am! but I digress#anyways I took way too long to pick which kitty would become my Latte#but I'm glad I had the opportunity to choose yet alone to actually see pumpkin kitty irl available for purchase#what do you guys think of her?#stuffed animals#plushies#plushblr#build a bear#BAB#pumpkin kitty
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so i'm not feeling very well again, would anyone be interested in a doodle for $25 so i can get some medication? ㅠㅠ i have exams on the weekend as well so i'd really appreciate it 🙏
#like last time medication is abt $30 usd conversion but im okay with just $25 like for my doodles!#i thought i could power through but my condition is becoming so unbearable right now and i want to be able to focus on my exam tomorrow QQ#i can work a little faster than normal because i will be on break for a while next week!#if you cant it's alright and i appreciate anyone taking the time to look ;;
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MAN I'm seriously so sad about season 2. Bc I wish act 2 had the same emotional impact on me as it appears to have on so many others. But rn I'm just somewhere between unable to care and actively annoyed by some of those writing decisions. Seriously the more I think about it the less I like it.
#act 3 come through please 🙏#I don't think it can salvage some of the things I have contentions with but still... please...#don't ask me about the silco vander flashback with jinxs + vis mom#or the bizzare choice to do so much of the storytelling through this weird music video format they've got going on#completely stripping it of the weight these plot beats could've had if they were... normal scenes#and also missing the point of how the music was used in season 1 and what made it so effective#bc it was complementary to instead of replacing the storytelling#seriously don't ask me about these things I will spontaneously implode on the spot#whyyyyy would they recontextualize season 1 like this with that flashback#to me it kind of ruins the character dynamics and themes in s1. it just makes me so sad you have no idea#also what even are they doing with Jinx rn for real#aaarghhhh just... so many things that are making me scratch my head#also I'm so terribly sorry but I could not care less about Isha sorry lol#like i get that its sad conceptually but she was such a non-character that i struggle to feel impacted at all#same with sky tbh. i thought her role in s1 was alright but there is so much emotional weight put on her now#in terms of her relationship to Viktor but that was barely established so it's weird to have her around#and clearly you're supposed to care but they haven't given me much reason to#isha and sky were non-characters just there to die to further the development of other characters#they didn't really have anything going on on their own and that's just a type of character and plot device that does nothing for me#also i thought the war between zaun and piltover + internal struggles in zaun bc silcos gone would be the main focus#but that stuff seems so sidetracked rn#also sorry i dont like what they did with vander and warwick either. that man should've stayed dead lol#it honestly just makes his death feel less impactful and i dont know what this is supposed to do for the story or the themes???#that just feels like a pointless plotline that is taking up time that could've been spent on other things#i just... i could go on like this for a while like there are so many things that just puzzle me#it's so weird considering how tight and thematically consistent season 1 was#let's see where act 3 goes but... i kinda have a bad feeling about it ngl#obv im glad others are enjoying it and this is just my opinion! also a lot of this are probs just my personal tastes anyway#arcane spoilers
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Possibly going silent for the rest of the week, maybe longer.
#I feel like I'm steering into a depressive episode so I want to try and catch the brunt of it before it gets too bad#meaning forcing myself to take away distractions and focus on methods to help alleviate the worst#no idea what triggered this but it'll be alright#I'll just take it on a day by day basis while trying to juggle work if I can#jic if someone reaches out and I don't react - I'm locking in#might not work and might need distractions after all but it's worth a try
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Transitive grief (Patreon)
Bonus:
The human is practically throwing himself at DAX! Where was this when ZEX was still around!
Voyeur
#Doodles#SCII#DAX#The Captain#ZEX#For being so sad this idea ended up quite silly actually lol#But I want to focus on the sad first!! Angst then crack!!!! Lol#I have poked around the idea of DAX surviving ZEX post-Beauty but I didn't really consider how the Captain would react#Mostly because I think DAX would be Incredibly angry and blame him extremely strongly and if he was healed enough he'd take it out on him#But - what if? Love what ifs#What if in his own grief the Captain was able to move DAX's heart - ZEX was important to both of them! Would that be enough?#(I mean I don't think so but that's the fun of the what if hehe) (Just don't get close while DAX is behind the sights Captain!)#Poor Captain :( Poor DAX - no one on either of their own sides would really Get It the way they both would but they're in such mismatch!#The Captain young and openly grieving the loss of a friend and playmate and the role he played in it#DAX quiet and private and stoic but so deeply lost without his Admiral and wanting to shut himself off further#Also blaming himself for not being able to better protect him and just barely able to keep himself from getting his revenge#Can just imagine wrapping his arm around the Captain's neck and him not fighting back - just staring sadly in complacent guilt#Disgust - self-aimed or outward - being the only thing to loosen DAX's arm and tell him not to come back but he always does#They've always had animosity at the front of their dynamic <3 Would their shared grief be enough to bridge A gap? Hmmm#Seeking comfort and rejecting closeness - incompatible! But the Captain is nothing if not tenacious and determined even at his lowest moment#He just has to get through to DAX! No one else understands! No one else will be there for him either! Has to do both! Captain no haha#Alright now onto ZEX silliness lol ♥#If a VUX afterlife exists and he'd just get to hang out spectrally and watch what his two favoured companions got up to what would he think#''It should've been me!!'' probably lol ZEX it already was you! In this continuity anyway if the Captain thinks of ZEX so fondly <3#But all the things he could see without detection being a ghost! Surely they wouldn't mind they wouldn't even know it's fine definitely#His unfinished business is in seeing all the things he was barred from in life lol he'll stick around foreverrrr in that case haha#It was a lot of fun to draw him smoothly in that chibi style as well haha - I've gotten unused to tapered head feelers! Cute! ♥
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My Sonic X MLP hotake is
That Jet would fit better as Rainbow Dash than Sonic.
#alright just like- hear me out on this#outside of being blue and cocky and loving racing. what does Sonic and Rainbow actually have in common?#Sonic is loyal to his friends. he absolutely is#but his compassion and empathy tends to showcase more than his loyalty#Sonic stands for freedom and focuses on his kindness and compassion than loyalty#Jet on the other hand has a strong showcase sense of loyalty to the Babylon Rogues#Rainbow Dash throughout the show gets presented challenges that do challenge sense of loyalty#Sonic doesnt struggle with Loyalty. Most the time hes putting others needs before his#so while he does have an ego at times. It doesn’t present him with challenges of loyaltyy#Jet on the other hand has a much more focus on loyalty. And has always chose it over his own personal wants or desires (LIKE RAINBOW)#also when really breaking down their characters. Rainbow and Sonic don’t actually have that much of similar personalities than people think#both can be cocky yes. Rainbow mainly likes to flaunt her successes and wins. and while Sonic can dip into that.#he more so talks about his friends and the accomplishments he does with the help of them more (example being him and Tails)#Jet dips more into the kind of cockiness Rainbow portrays than Sonic does#anyways I’m tired. I might make a post explaining my points better. but my period is stopping me from doing that :/#jet the hawk#just like hear me out on this please-
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:/
#ok kids. lesson of the day#don’t try to argue with your bank app at 3am#bc your card WILL get blocked if you put the wrong code in too many times#this is a problem for Monday Me but.. urgh#in other news: family health? not great#not great indeed#mum can barely walk#dad is on new meds#it’s a mess#also. the vet. I forgot about the vet bill#and the trash collecting tax#and the gas issue I have at home#..alright. I may have a few problems here#I think I’ll skip the GP this time around#I’ll handle the pain#can’t afford a specialist rn#anyway.. my break is here.#the hiatus is mini but mighty#which means that I am locking in bc I need to focus#you all take care while I’m away ok?#sneaky niki
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Oh my god the only way out is through
#if i want a hospital job i need more training and the easiest way to get it is. at. my job. my idiot job for chumps#alright no more fucking around!! everything i do will look good on a resume!!#it'll also give me slightly more pay as i'm on my way out. would be cool to be out before the end of the year#can't guarantee it but i would really like for it to happen!! gives me a time buffer as well which makes this more acheivable#thank you for tuning in once more to shai's adventures in health care#all i can do is pop in an earbud and half focus while ringing ppl up knowing i'm working on getting out#tbh the hope of leaving is making it feel easier on me. especially now that i know what i'll need#shai speaks
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the urge to talk my head off vs. the calm of quiet vs. the Thoughts
#just me hi#vs. the Spookiness#anyway i have not been able to focus at all today#which could be credited to me staying up til like 1 a.m. last night#which i really don't know why i did. the mysteries of this world!!#/anywho thinkin about the Pink again#mostly the magic system cuz i'm still working out the kinkssssssss#like there's Camouflage and Minor Transformation and then there's also inventories which is just a bit of fun for me hbfhs#but that's jumping ahead of ritual Types- and then also jumping ahead of how the magic system works on itself so yea lol :)#//oh yea also bc i am a master at procrastinating lmao--#tryna figure out where i'd want pi.e to be mainly posted cuz i hate vertical scroll but also don't know if i want to put pages up seperatel#cuz i dunno.. i don't really like that for my own thang too much hfhsh#yea though.. still tryna figure that out#// oh i've gotta finish some stuff i'm drawing too lol#i am drawing a gun in perspective which isn't fun for two awesome reasons:#i don't draw guns#i funkin hate perspective so bad can somebody get me out of here hello lmfshvhg#anyway aside from that it's alright hghfjshv :3#/and ik i'm sort of apprehensive abt cussing online (that's for a couple reasons pfsvh) but i'm prolly gonna leave this uncensored#just cuz like. i Do have a mouth on me and i'd like to use it now and then hbfsh :)#and also saying this so i don't back out. you hear me [<- pointing at self]#yea though!! gonna finish this :3#/got apollo in here to see if i drew this thang right and i DID YIPEEEE#he's like super super into guns and has given me very long lectures when i draw them poorly so this is like winning a 5k HFbvhsjh#YAYYY i am Winning out here hgsbvhf#OKAY i'm gonna pop off to finish what i'm doin now :3#making food and drawing. two things that are not done effectively while typing lol#YE going now.. i'm going.. oo.. i'm gone.. ohh... toodles pfshv :D !!
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me: i’m gonna study hard for my upcoming exam
also me: maybe now is the time to start learning to make custom hair mods for games
#i bought the hair tool for blender quite a while ago#and did attempt making two hairs that looked alright#but bc of the way mass effect works with transparency#it didn’t really work for that#but I want to get into it again#but I really should focus on that one exam I have coming up in January 🤡#.thoughts
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// Hello again! As you might recall, I've been meaning to make a new blog for Cayin's Elden Ring verse in hopes of better exploring its themes and aesthetics without diluting those of Cayin's main verse.
I wanted to take this soft "reset" as a chance to overhaul the presentation, make a blog that looks thematic, something that drives home some of the topics covered with just a look. Alas! As excited as I was to implement all these ideas, I've been struggling with motivation and focus for long enough to realize that I can't match my old expectations.
I've also come to the conclusion that if I wait until I'm satisfied with the blog (until it feels "complete" if you will) and continue to let my writing grow rusty and miss opportunities to write with my friends, I might very well never return to the hobby in this form.
With that in mind, I've decided to launch the new blog as a WIP. It's not going to be as fancy as I wanted, but I'm not waiting any longer to write! This isn't a decision I've made lightly as I'm very reluctant to make my work public when it's in an early state. I hate it!
But having made a lot of progress enjoying other creative outlets of mine, and having been unable to be a consistent writer for a little longer than... two years?? I think that taking the plunge is my best chance of solving this.
Now, this might feel a little strange to say so explicitly, but I want to make the following as clear as I can:
If you like Cayin but aren't interested in his Elden Ring version, there's no need to follow the blog. I understand the setting's not for everyone and you're free to enjoy this blog (yeleltaan) without engaging with the other one.
Likewise, if you like Elden Ring and are interested in the ER verse, but don't feel that interest towards Cayin's main verse, it's also perfectly fair to follow the new blog and not follow this one.
For newcomers: I understand that a blog lacking a proper about page and other information isn't easy to get into. It's in the works and I hope to be able to make the blog more welcoming for everyone sooner than later. Until then, feel free to message me for a short introduction to the character, I'll be happy to give it.
It's going to be a slow process, and I'm not sure how effective this change of attitude will be, but I still think this is the best move I can take. I'll be linking the blog shortly!
#ooc#long post I know but you know me :y#it's been like this for so long I just want to change it#I don't have the most energy or focus but I do have a lot of perspective I didn't before#here's hoping that will tip the scales#also: while I fully intend to welcome new interactions#it's going to be easier for me to start with a few people who have gone out of their way to continue to plot and discuss ideas#even all this time in which I've had trouble being proactive#really... I owe it to them tbh. But even if I didn't it just comes more naturally to me to write in those circumstances#that being said just as I've been so low activity I know others have struggled with this too#some period of silence isn't going to suddenly make me not care about what we had been doing up to that point#anyways! I hope you're all doing alright#if not then may that change soon :]
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It's not just about therapy being expensive, but also straight up unavailable. It's actually impossible to get a spot in a reasonable matter of time unless you pay extra out of your ass. And I'm sorry but those resources don't really cut it either. Especially when all a person wants to do is vent and get immediate feedback that somewhat simulates a real empathetic human interaction. Using chatgpt as a therapist is actually so dangerous, but unfortunately it's just another symptom of a much bigger problem. If therapy was readily available I guarantee you this whole ai therapist trend would've never set off.
guys. please
#im just glad im in a better headspace now than during the lockdowns bc i guarantee you i wouldve resorted to this too. thats how BAD it was#especially bc if ur in an especially bad episode then it literally clouds your judgement!!!!#i also used one of those mental health chats that's run by “real people” and it was so fuckign awful imma be so real#also ive tried/am using some of the linked resources and theyre. alright.#but its not a replacement for therapy its a supplement#and while i do think that “creators” who advertise ai as a therapist deserve all the backlash#the real focus should remain on ai companies being this fuckign predatory in the first place
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Do you guys want to know what the worst song to have stuck in your head in a Spanish speaking exam is? Because I can tell you from personal experience that it's Prisencolinensinainciusol
#very hard to focus on giving intelligible answers while your brain is playing catchy gibberish#i think it went alright though
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