#and while it would've been really nice to get in-depth dreams for everyone

[egophiliac]

I know we're not on the Hearts chapter but, I have a feeling the SSR will be Cater? But also him having the tear animation, since I have a feeling his dream will be a bit like Ruggie's q-q

I'm leaning towards either Cater or Ace, personally! Trey and Deuce have kinda already had their character arcs -- though someone else did mention to me that they thought it might be Trey, because so far all the vices have gotten one. though that might just be coincidence. we'll find out I guess!

my red-string-on-corkboard theory is that Ace is gonna get his arc + UM during whatever goes down with Grim, so while I could be completely wrong, I think it'd be nice if it were Cater's time to shine! ...also I am VERY curious as to what his dream is gonna be. 👀 like, I don't think he's gonna be all angsty or anything, he's a pretty cheery guy even though he pretends to be more vapid than he is, but...what would he be like if he were less. y'know.

(also I kind of want him to get the focus just because I think it'd be a shame if all he got was a super-quick 'oh his dream is to have a billion followers or whatever, now let's go on to the next person'. c'mon Twst. give him some love.)

[johanna-swann]

Analysing shows to death is my number 1 hobby of all times, so I decided to rank all of Buck and Eddie's love interests that were there for more than one quick flirt (not counting, for example, snake lady from 1x01, Veronica who was in several episodes but only on 1 actual date with Buck or Lucy who Buck was never really interested in in the first place).

For Eddie we have Shannon, Ana, Marisol and I'm also including Kim because holy shit, that really was something. For Buck we have Abby, Ali, Taylor, Natalia and Tommy.

Love interests will be judged by likeability, having their own storylines & character traits, compatibility with Eddie or Buck and how well they fit into the bigger picture of the show.

Coming in hot on the 9th place: Natalia. She was nice enough and the one thing we did know about her (her job) could've come up again in interesting ways, but then it didn't. We don't really know anything about her other than her job and she wasn't on the show very long. I think the fact that she had a different perspective on Buck temporarily dying could've been good for him. For everyone else it was a very traumatic experience and sensitive topic, but for Natalia it's business as usual. It could've been good for Buck to have someone to talk to about this without having to walk on eggshells. But I don't think Buck was really in a good place to start dating again, he had just learnt (via coma dream) that being "just Buck" could be enough and that he shouldn't live his life trying to make other people see him a certain way. And then he came in with the "Natalia sees me" line. Natalia never interacted with any of the other main characters and then they wrote her out of the show between seasons.

Conclusion: She was likeable if a bit bland, but she wasn't exactly a well rounded character, I think she would've been much better as a friend for Buck and at no point did the show even try to integrate her as more than just Buck's latest girlfriend.

Talking about likeable but bland: Number 8, Ana. I'm sorry, Ana is objectively speaking a good person, she is kind and pretty and has an impressive career. (She has a PhD I think? And is also already principal at a school despite being rather young? Good for her.) But aside from the fact that she's "nice", there's not much going here. She's mostly there to give Eddie things to spiral about. The skateboard incident for example was mostly a catalyst to get Eddie thinking about what it means to raise a son with a disability, but he then talked about this in more depth with Carla and Buck, Ana was only the messenger. On the surface they tried to give her characteristics that made her perfect for Eddie. She was great with children and already loved Christopher (and Chris liked Ana too), she had a similar background (big latino family) and she really loved her job. But it was all surface level. Who is Ana other than a picture perfect potential wife? What are her interests, what is she like when she isn't being kindness incarnate?

Conclusion: Likeable, but basically a cardboard cutout. This was a least partially intentional (Eddie does come to the "ready made family with no substance behind it" conclusion too), but still. Boring. She only fit well with Eddie on paper and like most Eddie-related things on 911, she seemed a little removed from the rest of the show and whenever she did appear or was brought up in the vicinity of other main characters, it was always about Eddie. (Is Eddie ready to date again? Is Eddie still hung up on Shannon?) It was never about Ana as her own person.

Number 7: Ali. The way we meet her makes us immediately side with her (her boss is a sexist, predatory piece of shit and she won't let that slide). We don't see her again after the earthquake for a while, but when we do we find out she's an opinionated, career oriented, confident woman who has no trouble communicating what she wants and who prioritises her own well being when necessary. She was there for Buck and supported him in the hospital, but sat him down and openly talked to him about why this relationship won't work for her once he got to go home. She was brought in/back as the polar opposite to Taylor who at the time represented the "casual hookups" option, so she wasn't just added randomly, she was also there as part of Buck's character development. She also had good chemistry with Eddie in the opening disaster (I was honestly surprised when they brought her back as Buck's love interest) and I really liked the scene at the hospital with her, Maddie and Carla.

Conclusion: She was a likeable character with enough personality to make her interesting and while she was good for Buck temporarily (I don't think either of them was necessarily looking to settle down at the time), it was exactly that - her knowing herself and what she wants - that eventually ended the relationship. She was only on the show for a few episodes and didn't make any strong connections to the other characters. In my opinion she was pretty much perfect as a minor character / temporary love interest because she was intentionally written as such, but there wasn't much potential for them to be anything more than that.

Moving on to numero 6: Kim. Likeable? Uhhhhhhrm. Well. She was certainly something, but likeable? At first maybe, but then it was mostly a lot of "wtf?" and "what is wrong with her?!" Very fascinating. Her and Eddie had one thing they connected over and one thing only: Shannon. She briefly interacted with Buck, but the whole thing had nothing to do with the rest of the 118 who had bigger fish to fry at the time.

Conclusion: Brainworms inducing character, I don't know who came up with this and why, but I want to thank them because holy shit. Not very likeable, but very interesting and not boring (which is a far bigger sin on tv), the whole thing was connected to Eddie's previously established hang-ups on the Shannon of it all, so even though it was another Eddie plot that was disconnected from the rest of the show it was at least building on his previous storylines and then developed into a bigger plot including Marisol, Chris and the Diaz parents. Kim was a freak and I thank her for her service, even though the fallout in season 8 was fumbled badly.

5th place: Marisol. Kinda mediocre as her placement on the list suggests. I'm so not sure if I should've placed her farther down on the list (maybe 7th place or so), because in many ways she's basically Ana 2.0. Nice girl / pretty Latina who is good with Chris while Eddie is (unknowingly) still hung up on Shannon. However she has little more personality of her own than Ana. I liked that we met her as a random character with no connection to the 118. We saw her having a close relationship with her brother and the diy thing was alson a cool additional piece of information whereas (in the context of these women being fictional characters) I read Ana's profession more as an extension of her "good with kids, she'd be a perfect replacement wife/mom" trait. Like, Ana was very much written as a symbol of what Eddie thinks he should want, Marisol was handled more like an actual person and gender-stereotypical traits do play a role in that for me.

[A/N: To be clear, irl your profession doesn't say anything about how much of a feminist you can be. You can be the most badass activist and also a stay at home mom, but we're talking about fiction where every trait given to a character is a choice made by the writers to project a certain image. And they wrote Ana as gentle and kind woman who works in childcare whereas Marisol is a very handy person who wears overalls the first time we see her. These first impressions were intentional.]

Back to the point - Eddie was in a good place mentally by the end of season 6, it kinda made sense for him to try dating again at that time. They took things slow and had the whole "Marisol moves in, Marisol moves out again" thing. Season 7 was very short and full, but they still carved out some time for Eddiesol(?) to have their own hurdle before Kim entered the game.

Conclusion: Marisol was likeable, a bit more interesting than Ana who was (as I said) often more a symbol than a character. Her and Eddie had some chemistry and this relationship happened more on Eddie's terms (what he wants instead of what he's told he should want) than his previous one with Ana. As per usual Marisol and the related Eddie plot were somewhat disconnected from the rest of the show once they got together, but Eddie did talk to Buck about her. There was potential here for an interesting, longer love story, maybe Eddie reassessing some of his rather conservative views on what being "the man of the house" means to him, but then Marisol's actress got caught being transphobic on social media and they wrote the Doppelgänger storyline instead so. That's that.

Observation: One thing all the characters above have in common so far is that they all had little to do on the show outside of being Eddie's or Buck's girlfriend. The 4 love interests who are left also had other important relationships or roles on the show that weren't just about Buck or Eddie. Shannon was not only Eddie's wife, she was Chrisopher's mother. Abby was a main character in season 1 and had a lot going on other than being with Buck. Tommy had a connection to Chimney, Hen, Bobby and Gerrard or rather the 118 in general before he ever met Buck. Taylor had soo much screentime and as a reporter was often involved in the calls and emergencies on the show without it being related to Buck (remember the call where this guy got buried alive and Taylor and Ransone both worked the case later?).

Back to the countdown: Number 4, Shannon. The fandom is very split on whether she deserved better or wasn't judged harshly enough, so it's hard to say whether she is "likeable" per se. She is definitely a very complex character and as someone who just got off the phone with their mum because she wanted my opinion on what to do about my disabled little brother who she doesn't think she can care for at home any longer- Well, let's say I sympathise. Shannon was barely even 20 (not even old enough to drink) when she had Christopher and Eddie fucked right off to the other side of the Atlantic and especially when you're raising a disabled child money isn't everything. They often need more help, more supervision, have more appointments, etc etc. Eddie was well aware that he was leaving Shannon on her own with all of that, her only support network being the judgemental in-laws who didn't like Shannon very much. Should she have run off into the night only leaving behind a two line farewell note? Hell no. But still, I sympathise. The point is that Shannon is a complex, flawed character who got an extensive background story and her story revolved not only around Eddie but around Christopher too. Sadly they killed her off before her and Eddie's relationship could run its course completely and we'll never know how she would've fit into the bigger picture.

Conclusion: Shannon is a complex character who you can sympathise with, who had her own goals and motivations and who was more than just Eddie's wife. She and Eddie had a long, emotional, complicated past with ups and downs, but they loved each other and Christopher very much (it's debatable if it was true love in the romantic sense of the word, but they loved each other). Still, she wasn't exactly present outside of Eddie's personal life and was killed off after being in only a handful of episodes.

[Personally I think they had a great opportunity to a) have Eddie and Shannon co-parent post-divorce like Michael and Athena did or b) still divorce them but then write a delicious slowburn about how without the pressure, without the church and their families breathing down their necks, without a surprise pregnancy and after working out the lingering resentment they feel, they eventually still find their way back to each other. Kinda like Chimney and Maddie did, but make it a slowburn instead of a speedrun.]

Entering the top 3 now. Tommy. He could've scored higher if the writers hadn't completely fumbled this plot. Season 7 and 8 were hands down the worst seasons yet and all of the characters deserved better. (Yes even Gerrard and Ortiz in the sense that they of course shouldn't have got happy endings, rainbows and sunshine, but they deserved to be written as antagonists with more agency, more substance, more depth instead of whatever the hell that was.) (Not Brad though. Fuck Brad.) A-ny-way. Tommy isn't exactly likeable when we first meet him in season 2, but the show quickly shows that he isn't a complete asshole. We later find out he's been stuck in regressive environments his entire life and internalised a lot of that bullshit before he unlearnt it again much later. But even in season 2 they showed us Chimney and Tommy making peace, Tommy and Hen finding common ground and him being (if not friends) at least friendly with Hen, Chim and Bobby by 2x16. Which already says a lot about the character's complexity. We learn a lot about Tommy's hobbies, he's involved in a high-stakes rescue mission with the 118, due to his job it's very easy to make him part of other calls and emergencies (the show never did that, but it was at least possible) and he is very well connected to the main characters other than Buck. He really liked Buck a lot, showed up for him again and again and only broke up with him because he was scared of getting hurt because he liked Buck so much. Buck on the other hand wasn't written very well these past 2 (1.5?) seasons. He had little to do except come out as bi- No wait, explore his sexuali- No wait, figure out his identity as a queer ma- No wait. Discover he is not straight. Because he didn't come out as bi (he still has no label) and he didn't explore his sexuality or identity as a queer man beyond getting into a new relationship. Yeah, we really don't know much about how exactly Buck felt about Tommy outside of the vague "I can see a future with him".

Conclusion: A criminal amount of wasted potential. Tommy started out as antagonistic, but then got a (short, partially off-screen) redemption arc which to me makes him not only very likeable, but even loveable. It makes him interesting. He could've been very good for Buck, but sadly the show underutilised him and rarely showed their progressing relationship at all. Tommy was very well connected within the 911 universe, even had the perfect job to join a call here and there. The show just didn't do anything with all of that and it's truly a shame.

2nd place, Abby. Honestly, Abby could've been first. She's likeable, just like I sympathise with Shannon because she was in a tough spot I see the same with Abby and her mother. Abby is shown as a hard working, loyal person who will put her own needs second and prioritise family, but not to the point where she comes across as a perfect saint. She snaps at Carla, is (understandably) annoyed with her mom sometimes, etc. I also honestly believe she and Buck were good for each other. She got to feel a little carefree and adventurous from time to time with someone who didn't bring his own obvious heavy baggage into the relationship. And Buck got to experience a relationship with someone who cares about him and not just whether he is a good lay, he got to care for someone who took their relationship seriously and who made him grow as a person. Abby also shared some nice scenes with Athena and Bobby, she was a main character all on her own (covering the dispatch position before Maddie took over) who had her own personal struggles and calls at work. But here's the one thing that to me disqualified her from #1 without discussion: It was obvious from the start that for her the relationship with Buck was only a fling. She cared about him, deeply, but he was an escape. She liked him, maybe loved him, but I'm not sure she was in love with him. They never really stood a chance long term. I think even if Abby hadn't run off to Europe, she would've left Buck eventually.

Conclusion: Likeable, complex character, well connected within the universe, she and Buck made a very good couple - for a short while. Not much else to say.

Which for the 1st place only leaves Taylor. Controversial pick? Maybe. I know many people actively hated her, but personally I love characters who are just a tad bit fucked up. Taylor is shown as a very "modern" woman (I don't know how else to call it, she is still very feminine after all). She is career driven, not exactly a nurturing / kind / sweet girl, treats sex as a very casual thing and has some interesting morals when it comes to protecting an individual's privacy vs being honest with the broad public. She is however very similar to Buck when it comes to their jobs. They both live and breathe for their work and are willing to sacrifice personal relationships for it too. Taylor worked all her life to one day become someone who gets to uncover truths due to the fact that she never found out the truth about her mother's murder and her father's involvement. Buck for a long time measured his worth by what he could do for others, he was "born to safe someone", he's very empathetic and has this intrinsic need to help people and he took all that and made a career of it. Buck and Taylor get up to all kinds of shenanigans together - searching for a treasure, trying to solve a hit and run, etc. As a reporter Taylor isn't a first responder, but it is natural for her to be on scene for calls and emergencies and to investigate those matters further (thus running into Athena or other cops later on), it happened quite a lot actually. On a personal level however she isn't close to any of the other main characters and I think that was their downfall eventually. She understands Buck really well (as for example shown by her take on the "maybe this isn't about you" trope) and she even understands how close Buck is to the 118 ("Your life is full of meaningful relationships.") - she understands Buck, but she isn't like Buck. She prioritises differently and never really gets involved with the 118.

Conclusion: Taylor is a very independant character with a lot of strengths, but also flaws and those flaws made her extremely unlikeable to some of the more rabid fans, but I will love and treasure her forever. I think she and Buck complemented each other really well, but maybe they'd be better as friends? They had great chemistry, they could talk to each other about their jobs and understood each other in ways I think none of the other love interests did (except maybe Eddie and Shannon). On a professional level Taylor fit into the 911 universe incredibly well, she was just never closely connected to the other characters on a personal level.

[hecatesbroom]

Wheel of Time episode 1 rewatch thoughts

They couldn't have picked a better opening scene than Moiraine getting dressed. They really did say "watch this, sapphics" right from the start, didn't they?

That Gentling scene makes much more sense now that I've read EotW. It's way more powerful now that I actually know what's going on and who's doing the Gentling lol

Lan's entrance is kind of weird? He basically fades into the background in the books while Moiraine attracts attention, so I'd make her enter first.

That announcement was Very Dramatic though, so it kind of makes sense to let Lan enter first in that regard lol

The background they give Mat & Perrin is great! They feel kind of underdeveloped in the first book

BATH SCENE

The woman in me wonders why a bath scene is necessary, but the lesbian in me is very pleased indeed.

Padan Fain 👀

The story of the old Emond's Field Wisdom being turned down at the Tower for her peasant accent and ragged clothes doesn't make a lot of sense compared to what I've read so far. Aren't women capable of Chanelling becoming more and more rare? I mean, Siuan is a fisherman's daughter and rowed her way to Tar Valon in the series. That's not very consistent.

Those lanterns in the lake are beautiful!!

Egwene is a baby bi and doesn't know she has a little crush on Moiraine, but she totally does from the way she looks at her from a distance for no reason at all 👀

Sorry to break it to you, Lan, but it's too late to flee. The trollocs are already there.

Nyneave to the rescue!

The heron marked sword, yess!! Tam is great

YESS MOIRAINE

AND LAN

This fighting/channelling scene is so amazing, I love it

Noo, Perrin :(

I'm honestly really impressed with the whole battle sequence. It's clearly very chaotic, so much is going on, and everyone plays an equal part in it. Moiraine saves the day, of course, but she's not invincible and not constantly the centre of battle either.

I think maturing Rand and Egwene's relationship slightly was a really good choice. Not only are they adorable together, I feel it adds a lot more feeling and depth to their scenes and decisions. Especially Egwene's to become a Wisdom (and eventually an Aes Sedai)

"It's trolloc poison," she says, knowing full well she's slowly getting in more danger of dying of the same thing.

The leaving was way more abrupt than I remembered lol

All in all I think it's a great opening episode! There are some things from the book I would've loved to see that didn't make it on screen, but there wouldn't have been nearly enough time to do that – and the story is about what happens after they leave, anyway.

Anyway, here's what couldn't be included in the show due to lack of time, but I would've still loved to see:

The way Moiraine isn't introduced as an Aes Sedai/doesn't introduce herself as one, but receives lots of respect (and adoration?) just because she looks like a lady. Then the respect turns into hatred when she's forced to blow her cover by Channelling, beating the trollocs, and saving townspeople. There wouldn't be enough time to show this, I think, but I found the nuances to be really interesting to read about. Especially when realising how easy it is for people to turn on someone they admired (and who saved them!) just because of the reputation of the people she belongs to.

Rand listening to Tam's fever dreams would've been interesting to see on screen. Imagine the payoff in episode 7! I think it could've been really nice to see Rand's doubts about Tam being his father, his mother being his actual mother, and about how Tam got the heron mark sword.

Thom Merrilin!

[cabinetofdrcaligosto]

(Hey Mun, what do you think would've happened if Loboto's parents were decent people and accepted their son was psychic?)

(So just a note, I had way too much fun with this haha xDD  It’s a super long post so I’ll probably put a “keep reading” halfway through)  But this is 100% headcanon/fanfic/AU land from this point on!! *cracks knuckles to type*

So if Loboto's parents were actually nice and understanding people..... He would’ve grown up in a loving household, and be encouraged to keep using his powers.

Because I have a feeling his parent's are the type to brag, they probably would've flaunted the fact he had powers to everyone.  Whether their world hates psychics or not, they would've been proud of him and have him show off any chance he got (like helping the neighbors maybe, or just having fun lifting people off the ground to “fly”, etc.)

Eventually, he'd be known by his whole little seaside town as a psychic xDD  In highschool, word of him would've reached the government/Psychonauts and they'd try to recruit him on (I was thinking maybe he would’ve been sent to Whispering Rock, but maybe it wasn’t established yet, so they probably recruited psychics back then like the army?)

Since Loboto's parents were cool, they would’ve encouraged him to follow what ever dream he wanted, and that would still be a sailor xDD  I like to think he probably wouldn’t have gone to college after high school or join the Psychonauts.  He’d sign onto the first boat that would hire him and set to sea like he always dreamed.

The fisherman didn't really know what a psychic could do on a boat, until they saw Cal pull in his first catch.... and everything in it's radius xDD  He probably would've become a super successful fisherman!  Pulling tons of stuff out of the water and making alot of money for it ^w^  And he would’ve lived happily ever after as a sailor/fisherman...............  But then.... I really like the idea that he might have joined the Psychonauts later on xDD  So if he DID join them.... how? And then I thought xD (story continues under the cut)

Ever since his psychic powers started showing up, he started having dreams of a "sea witch".  When he was young, he thought nothing of it, just a cool dream.  But when he was out at sea, the dreams would became more vivid and violent.  Everytime, the figure would be calling his name.  He didn't know what those dreams meant until... one day returning from sea, his parents didn't pick him up like usual.

When he returned home, he'd find his house destroyed and his parents... well... (either dead or missing ^^;;;)  He'd find out later, from a Psychonaut agent investigating the case, that other psychics had done it.  He recognizes the organization that had approached him years earlier from the agent.  Sad and angry at what happened, and wanting to know why and who had done this to his family, he joins the Psychonauts.

Then I had more fun trying to fit him into the current timeline xD  I like to think Sasha and Morry were already there and already halfway through there agent training (Sasha maybe being alittle more ahead of Morry).  But they would act as teachers from time to time to help train new recruits.  

They would take Cal and eventually Milla under there wing.  Because Cal was alittle older, he'd probably have alittle more difficulty learning other abilities.  But telekinesis would still be the one thing he was crazy good at.  Like maybe lifting multiple super heavy things all at the same time is difficult to do for other psychics (like they can only lift one thing at a time with there minds while Cal can lift and move a bunch of stuff, lol I dunno, just trying to think how he could differ from the others).  I also like to think him and Milla would have been learning buddies xD (also maybe Morry still had his hair in the 70′s/80′s? hehe)

Morry and Sasha would "graduate" first and eventually go onto try and do missions together.... but that wound up failing miserably because their personalities clashed too much.  So when Cal and Milla passed, Sasha would take on Milla as a partner (he was helping her recover from her trauma anyway, so they thought it would be a good fit) and Morry would have Cal.  

I like to think if/when these 2 were on missions together, they'd be completely off the walls reckless xDD

They'd get their missions done, but not without costing the Psychonauts branch a TON of money (due to destroying... EVERYTHING on missions).  Cal would love being a Psychonaut just for the adventure xD  So what about those strange dreams?

Well, eventually he’d find the name of the psychics suspected in harming his family, the Galochio’s.  And one day, he'd meet one of them during a dangerous mission Ford was called to and asked for backup from his most powerful agents (Sasha, Milla, Morry, and Cal).  They wouldn't be able to reach Ford though, one of the psychics they’d run into would be way too powerful for them.  But Cal would get a good clue from something they said.

(I’m kind of going off that one dream I had about Maligula talking with Loboto) After that big mission, and knowing Ford was injured during the battle, Cal decided missions would be too dangerous for the time being (after hearing the Galochios knew his name and that apparently they wanted him dead xDD).  He instead decided to stick with researching and inventing for the Psychonauts, while Morry would go onto establishing Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp xDD  Cal’s lab is located under the motherlobe, with big open windows looking out into the depths of the lake that surrounds the building.

He spends all his time down there creating and building new tools and weapons for agents, as well as gathering information about enemies.  As of Psychonauts 2 (in this AU hehe ^^;;;), he’d still be trying to piece together his family's history with the Galochio's, as well as the Aquatos.  Here’s his outfit too ^w^ (his little necklace is the patch he had on his shirt as a boy)

Sorry this was such a long post, my thoughts just went EVERYWHERE haha xDD  But I like to think this is what might have happened to him if his parents were good people ;w;

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

Out Of The Woods (3/?)

This multi chap fic has been one that I've wanted to write for a while. I'm hoping to connect a few loose ends, since my series is getting closer to the end. Don't worry, I still got a couple of fics left in me. I'd love to thank @xerxezra whose conversations with me are always inspirational. I'd also like to thank @dorkydisappointment whose writing got my creative juice flowing and @hoodoo12 who continues to inspire me all the time. Please check out the wonderful art done by @ravenousscorpian for two scenes out of the second chapter of this fic (Her art found here)

References to the woman in Ricks journal is from my fic What You Found Amongst The Pages. I know, that was shameless self promotion. There are a lot of questions that I wanted to answer in you'd chapter, but for the sake of editing had to put it in the next. I'll work on it right as soon as this is posted. Thanks for everyone's continued support. 😘😘😘😘😘😘

If you haven't read part 1 or part2, then heres a link (Read Chapter 1, Chapter 2)

In this fic the reader tries to uncover the mystery of the artist behind Zeta-7s portrait.

___________________________

Chapter 3: Dare Not Say That Man Forgets Sooner

Whatever redeeming qualities the room held in the previous happy hours were gone, and now even the remnant, lingering daydreams were falling away. With every hour you comprehended the severity of your assumptions and what the consequences were if you decided that enough was enough. Honestly, you didn't want to lose him because Zeta-7 was the light of your life; he expanded your universe and had helped you become a better person, but you could still carry on if you needed to. You had the means, your work, and an ever growing list of books to read, but was it enough, now that you had gotten a taste of the good life? Probably not.

Nothing made sense anymore.

Concerning the current situation, and all which led up to it; if you considered everything which included your existence, life till now, and all he had ever done, then there was no mistaking that he loved you; or had; at least thought he did, but it didn't change the truth of the matter; you hadn't been the first. A few hours had given you time to weep until you thought you had no tears left to cry, but there was still a thick fog over your thoughts and rationality; any shift of emotion being too much to bear. You curled into yourself, aching, hoping you'd disappear, but it didn't work; you were still here; stuck. Being at a disadvantage, not knowing how to get home and neither having a way to get there if you could was frustrating.

Who knows how long you'd been down here, despairing, wallowing in memories and dust, but you were tired, thirsty, and knew that if you didn't move he'd have trouble finding you, and yet you didn't care; let him find you; let him work for it. Though, how would that make it any better? All it would do is succeed in upsetting him before you knew all the facts. You hated this. Father always said hate was a strong word that shouldn't be taken for granted; you rarely had reason to feel as such, but the more you gleaned from those photos and the more proof you found of her presence about the place made you feel hateful and bitter.

Thinking of her smiling at him, receiving every bit of his loving-kindness and inviting demeanor animated by unaffected good-will; his general countenance and becoming familiar with a fresher-faced creature of your dreams; holding him; touching him; loving him. Oh God no, you thought, groaning into a handmade pillow. What was worse was that you couldn't dissuade the thought of her mysterious silhouette sneaking up behind you, plunging a knife into your already fragile identity, and taking back what was hers. Your doubt feeding these ugly horrors which were hybrids of nightmares and daydreams.

Though during a brief moment of clarity, you had come to a conclusion which hardly alleviated these feelings, but we're true; it wasn't your fault. Yes, it had been your choice to accept him and be in a proper relationship with someone with an ambiguous past, and yes you did snoop around a little, but you didn't know how much he'd been hiding or searching for someone like her and had settled on silly, stupid you. Yet, no matter how much you thought about it, why chase a vision of the past and put so much effort in the present? There must've been more to this; there had to be.

Manifested, unstinted kindness and consideration and love in his form didn't happen out of the blue, it was nurtured and conditioned. Had it been her influence which made you knew? Who knows, but you had been fortunate to have had an opportunity to associate let alone form a romantic attachment, but that would soon pass away once you confronted him. Right? After a little while longer, when your heart was finally beginning to slow and thought you'd be able to catch your breath, you heard him walking about upstairs; calling and knocking.

Rick was home and you turned over on the couch and covered your ears so you wouldn't hear him; you weren't ready to deal with this; you didn't want to deal with this. In your heart of hearts, you wanted to go home, to the past, back to when there were no problems and it was just you, dad, and your dreams. If only he was still around so that he could tell you that everything was alright and it was all just a bad dream and that he could fix it, but you couldn't; only in a dream, you could. Dad always knew what was best, but you were old enough to decide for yourself now.

Did this mean you wish you never knew Rick? No, but you wished that you would've never known about all this; about her; that you could've lived in ignorance. Oh, the sweet, sweet bliss of ignorance, how wonderful it had been while it lasted. Even when his warm laughter echoed down the stairway, having found you, ready, eager and excitable to be near you, you didn't answer. You knew you weren't in the state of mind to say anything nice, that despite it all he wasn't a bad person. Yet, the moment that hand of his touched your shoulder, you hissed. “Don't touch me.”

He gasped, stunned by this uncharacteristic aggression. Maybe you weren't the nice girl he thought you were after all; especially if the rustling of his clothes alone made you angry enough to dig your nails into the couch cushions. Zeta-7 waited for a few moments, ruminating on what would be the best course of action before he knelt down to be at your level and wondered. “What's wrong? Are y-y-you hurt? Is th-there anything I can do?”

Swallowing back a sob, you silently counted to ten then answered in a listless tone. “I don't know if you can. You've… you've been hiding stuff from me.”

“Huh, I-I have? What have I…”

“Don't try to deny it.”

Pushing yourself up, you rubbed your swollen eyes and chanced a look at him; your sight fuzzy as tears threatened to fall but thankfully didn't. The alarm in his widened eyes at the state of your runny nose, and tear-stained cheeks made him instinctively reach out to wipe your tears away, but you pushed that familiar, loving hand away. “M-mi corazón?”

Instead of answering as you usually would, you pulled out the well-loved copy of Persuasion from behind a pillow, took a deep breath and dropped it on his lap. “I found it while I was looking for something to read.”

“Oh geez.”

“And can you believe I found more than I bargained for.”

You two sat in silence for what felt like hours as he stared at it, and when he gathered the courage to look inside, the lines about his brow and mouth deepened; another sign that it was true. When he finally interrupted the silence, he confessed regretfully. “I-I was going to tell you.”

“But you didn't. There's a lot of things that I understand are none of my business, but this….I think is a good time to know. If you care about me at all, then read what you wrote.”

“But it's - it's not what you think.”

“Then there's nothing be afraid of. Go on then, read it.”

Visibly swallowing, his shaky hands held it open and he stuttered. “I-I-I thought of you today as I left th-the milky way, on my way t-to a classified location. I-I wish you were here so I could show you the beauty that exists across the universe, but knowing our limitations I can only send you this wonderful novel that I found when I was exploring a-a bookstore located on one of Saturn's moons. I-I know it can be hard to believe that Miss Jane Austen's works can reach the furthest depths of-of space, but that can be blamed on a certain Gallifreyan and his little blue box. I can't wait to hear what y-y-you think of it. Till next time my dear. With love, from Rick.”

“Don't forget the photos.”

Setting down the book, he glanced at the discarded photos, sagging a little after each one, gauging your reaction after he finished studying them. Rick was a smart man, he knew well enough that he messed up and how compromising those photos were. “It's not - I was only writing as ugh - as a friend.” He began, wringing his hands as he went on. “Y-y-y-y-you know I don't have that many.”

Which was true. “Really? So what did she do for you? Was she special?”

“She - she made me a little less lonely. That in itself was something I w-was grateful for.”

Your nails bit into your palms and that ever familiar ache bloomed across your chest; his answer birthing more questions than you were willing to ask. He offered you a Werther's original to placate you which you accepted; it's wrapper similar to the one in the painting. As ever he waited for you to answer, and the longer he waited, the more he sagged; his eyes pleading, hoping, wishing that he could know whatever hurt clouded your heart and wanted to fix it. “I want to believe you, I really do,” you admitted, which made him hopeful, though only for you to crush it with this. “but I'm tired of walking on eggshells. Tell me, what did you want from me when you had someone like her? Seems as though she was a good match for you. She was a creative who could paint, loved flowers, and butterflies among other things I imagine.”

“Sh-she did.”

You bit the inside of your cheek in an attempt to hold back the surge of feelings which were a result of his sincerity. Damn it. You could do this……possibly. “See?” you said cooly, focusing your gaze on your naked feet. “I knew she was special considering you sent her a book that had belonged to the Doctor. She also knew about your travels, which meant you trusted her and you hardly trust anyone. The point I'm getting at is that I want to know what I am to you. So, am I a knockoff or a rebound? Because we both know there's nothing like the real thing.”

“N-n-no, not at all. You mean th-the world to me and I-I love you. I have only loved you. ”

“But she loved you, didn't she? And you loved her. I can't ignore that. If she's anything like me, then what are we doing together Ricardo? Why aren't you with her? I…. I thought we understood each other but then I found proof that I was only second best. I can't do it, I can't compete with a shadow, and I'm not going to try. I don't have it in me.”

“I-I-I-I never expected you to. Por favor mi amor de m-mi vida, if you'll let me explain, I'll tell you whatever you want. I - I don't want to lose you. Please, honest t-t-to God, I don't. I can't.”

“Hmm, I didn't know you were a praying man.”

“When you're about t-t-to lose your universe, I don't think there are th-that many options. I can't - oh please I can't lose you. Not again.”

You felt your resolve breaking. You wanted to fall into his arms and melt into the comfort of them; for you both to comfort each other and let it all go because it probably was just a big misunderstanding; him being the best thing that ever happened to you, but not yet. Maybe he was a praying man after all, and if God was merciful, then why wouldn't you be? Rick certainly would. For Zeta-7, you could be. He'd definitely given you enough chances.

“Fine.” you decided, helping him up as you stood, but through this brief touch he almost misunderstood, thinking that the worst was over and gave your hand a squeeze; his warm smile weakening your resolve even further. Maybe Ricks were masters at mind games after all. And you knew it wouldn't take much for him to make you forget how unhappy you were, and like magic, show you something wonderful and dazzling, but you didn't want to be charmed; you wanted the truth. You bit the flesh inside of your cheeks hard enough for you to bleed, and despite relishing the warmth which permeated your chilled hands, you let go. “I'm……I'm not over it yet.”

TBC

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Caleb

Ali: Do we know when Carly's funeral is going to be yet? Ali: I need to come back but I don't want to pester her parents...I sent a message but no response Caleb: I did too and got nothing either Caleb: I'm feeling they dont want us to be knowing Ali: Think so too Ali: Which is rich considering Ali: Trying to be understanding but where have they been Ali: I know I was away too but Caleb: you kept in touch Caleb: they haven't met their grandchild yet, have they? That's their vibe Caleb: imma leave them in peace but its not cool Ali: everything is so fucked Ali: how did this happen Caleb: never seen my mum madder Caleb: she's not praying for them saving 'em up for indie & drew Caleb: you gotta make sure you handle your own goodbye Ali: Can't blame her Ali: thank God she and Meena were there or they could both be gone Ali: What the hell is going to happen now Ali: Yeah, I'll have to, I don't think we're getting in to the real funeral but, it won't be her anyway Ali: they don't know her Caleb: I wish I had been, caught my mum crying hard later & that was before all this Caleb: she's down to take her in but I dunno if he'll allow it Caleb: Carly's parents could take her still its mad here rn Ali: I owe her big time, I didn't know what else to do, she wouldn't go to Hospital so I can't be sorry I did it but I am sorry for the fucking trauma of it all Ali: In a way, that might be better for her, but then...they've not done a good job with Carly, have they? Would they let history repeat itself Ali: but Drew, fuck Caleb: it's all good, like nah, but as far as my mum goes Caleb: you did the right thing Caleb: I dunno man they might be feeling like they're getting a second chance with her but will it be? Caleb: you heard from him? Caleb: im blocked Ali: Thanks, I'm doubting everything I did and said now Ali: but I really tried Ali: I truly don't know what's for the best but it will have to be worked out Ali: Poor baby Ali: No, not since this whole...mess Ali: I think he genuinely feels guilt for this one Caleb: You handled shit better than I could. Better than most I think Caleb: Estou orgulhoso de ti, querida. Caleb: yeah my heart's breaking to look at her Caleb: He won't let me help him & truth be that I don't even know where to start Caleb: No idea what he wants, you know Caleb: could be what the kid needs but as easy could not be Ali: You're too nice for your own good Ali: He probably feels like he doesn't deserve it, and rightly so frankly but not going to spite Indie just to prove a point Ali: She's so innocent Ali: Oh God Ali: I'd do it myself but the social would never sign off on that Ali: who am I, like Ali: She's got family Caleb: I ain't feeling it. I'm raging Caleb: I get that I don't get to speak on it, and he's hurting so I'm not going there but I dunno how he could let her go like that Caleb: With the bab there Caleb: Shit's beyond fucked Caleb: We could try. You were Carly's family Caleb: She'd want you looking out for indie Ali: I don't know Ali: It was hard to know how to help her Ali: but he didn't even try Ali: well, from what we can see from our outside perspective Ali: she seemed to think he did but Ali: I don't fucking know Ali: It really is, thank God Indie won't remember any of this Ali: Drew will have to, and that's his punishment Ali: I asked Mum, its pretty much a no go, if she got put in the system, if none of them claimed her, then maybe, but not whilst I'm at Uni and away and I already have too many kids to deal with by standards Ali: especially for a single parent, they wouldn't favour me over a nice, older well-off couple with everything to give Caleb: She wanted to bounce so says my mum, he shoulda let her do what she needed to do, she had to be in shock having her way it went Caleb: gotta keep your babies safe they're defenseless Caleb: anything could've happened them playing at family how they did Caleb: Filho da mãe! Caleb: Okay but hear me out...what if we went at this together? Caleb: You still got your ring, you're still my missus, legal or nah Caleb: se você me tiver eu estou disposto Ali: She did, she had, she told me where she was Ali: I just think its too easy to think over all this now Ali: its plausible he was trying to keep her safe by bringing her back, its not out there Ali: arguably was safer who knows where she would've ended up Ali: its happened regardless of all the what-ifs and woulda coulda shoulda Ali: better focusing on what we can all do now, Drew included Ali: See, too nice Ali: Of course I do Ali: I still don't think it'll happen but of course we can try Ali: if it comes to that Caleb: True Caleb: He was outta his depth, feeling like he could get Carly to turn it all around, let his kid have the ma he never Caleb: It's sad man Caleb: Good Caleb: We can't worry on that yet but I've been stressing over you out there on your own Caleb: Can I hit you with another idea? Ali: Yeah, exactly Ali: Very fucking sad Ali: Oh, I'm fine, like, not right now but, you know Ali: Go for it Caleb: Try not to get vexed at me for sneaking but it's been a while Caleb: I've been hitting up job offers round you and they've said yeah to some part time things Caleb: I wanna come out, help with the kids more than ever now Caleb: What you think? Ali: You're serious? Ali: I think its the best news I've had in a long while Ali: Well done you! Caleb: what happened got me thinking Caleb: and its the only thing that makes sense Caleb: us all together, you feel me? Caleb: It won't be easy but neither is this rn Ali: I've been feeling the same Ali: but I was too scared to put it out there Ali: Family should be all that matters Ali: the rest is just bullshit to deal with Ali: the kids are going to be so excited when are you coming Caleb: my bad for leaving you hanging this long but I didn't wanna mess you around, not only with the job, you know Caleb: but my heart's sure Caleb: I dunno what I'd do if shit happened to you, cos you're my baby mama yeah, but cos you're you too Caleb: I still feel the same, not trying to change it these days Caleb: Gotta help Gus get my cuz ready to do my thing but won't take no time Ali: Not at all, it had to be right Ali: It would be all the more painful and wrong if you came and we couldn't make it work Ali: I love you Caleb: I love you too Caleb: You've been all on my mind since I last saw you and thats how I want it Ali: Wait Ali: before you commit fully I have something to tell you Ali: might change your mind, I don't know so you need to know now before Caleb: You can tell me Caleb: I'm listening Ali: [Sends bump pic] Ali: About 5/6 months Ali: Your Bday, Christmas, remember? Ali: I didn't say because Ali: Last time Ali: I've not told anyone else though, no one Caleb: Shit man! You been dealing on your own Caleb: That's so rough, Ali Caleb: You should've said, hit up your fam if not me Caleb: I get not wanting to say it but I gotta ask, was there anyone else on the scene? Caleb: I know what I think but I need to hear it Ali: It was worst for you but Ali: it wasn't exactly easy to tell them Ali: I know they were all disappointed or disgusted or whatever else valid feelings but it wasn't fun Ali: No, no one else Caleb: We gotta tell them Caleb: Mine too Caleb: What's the story? What's the doctor said? Are you both good? Ali: Yeah, my blood pressure's a bit high but to be expected, I told him I ain't got no time to chill Ali: are you happy? Ali: do you think anyone will be? or have i had one too many to soon to get the congrats now Caleb: I'm gonna make time for you to chill Caleb: Swear down Caleb: Eu nunca estive mais feliz Caleb: And they'll be happy for us too. Trust Ali: That would be nice Ali: don't think I've stopped since I came here Ali: If they aren't, they aren't Ali: Its coming, like Caleb: I'll rush through what I gotta do here, be with you sooner Caleb: More I can do to take care of the bubs the more you can have that you time Caleb: I'm not slipping on you or this baby, you're gonna be all good Caleb: Gus'll throw us a party, he misses you like I do Ali: You don't need to do that, tho no shade to your cuz but some talent you just can't teach Ali: #natural Ali: I miss him too, I miss everyone Ali: Oh shit Ali: Has anyone told Ro? Did she even know Carly was pregnant Ali: We've not spoken much, I've tried to give her space, let her live her Uni dreams Ali: Fuck Caleb: You don't need to hype me but I'll allow it Caleb: yeah no lie I'm a bit scared about heading over gotta be done for my culinary arts tho like, keep the restaurant game fresh for my fam Caleb: Oh damn! Meena maybe? I dunno Caleb: She swerves me & everything happened fast Ali: You're gonna love it Ali: I've found so many amazing places already, I can't wait to show you Ali: Even Junie's trying new things Ali: I'll have to ask her, God I hope so Ali: If not, oddly maybe it'll be best coming from me? Seems wrong but Ali: she knows I was friends with Carly Caleb: That's my boy 💪💚 Caleb: I'm excited too, trust Caleb: yeah we all felt the love Caleb: Hope she didn't hear it from the wrong peeps but it'll be what it is Ali: I dread to think how fast the rumour mill be spinning Ali: Wankers Caleb: Least she got that distance Caleb: You're the furthest and closest Caleb: I hate that it's gotta be this way for you Ali: I'm just glad I got to know her Ali: I was lucky enough, none of them were so Ali: say what they like, they did when she was alive, like Caleb: I should've known her better Caleb: I knew what Drew was doing Ali: We all did Ali: what could we have done? stop him? stop her? Ali: they both made choices, even if they were poor ones, or made not in their best state and mind Caleb: True Caleb: I let him make a lot of bad choices, shit went on too long Caleb: It's not on me to pull him back anymore I got focus elsewhere Ali: You can't blame yourself for him Ali: its his to shoulder Ali: yeah, a lot of bad shit happened to him but, he's made a lot of it happen since Ali: not his excuse of a Ma Ali: she's not been around for a long time Ali: Meena still manages to be good and do the right thing, y'know? Caleb: Exactly Caleb: He's grown now and he needs to act it more than he's been Caleb: There are two kids in this Caleb: Behaving like her isn't what he wants but we can't do the changing for him Caleb: It wasn't on Carly to help me out with that either Ali: Right, though, clearly he won't acknowledge Edie unless I'm dead Ali: Fucked up thing to say but more fucked up that its real Ali: I know Ali: but she loved him, she wanted to Ali: he shoulda treated her so much better, she gave him everything she had and for what? Caleb: over my dead body would he mess that kids head and life up if you weren't here Caleb: it's not right Caleb: I don't feel I know him nowadays Ali: I know Ali: you're a better Dad to her than he could ever be Ali: just the truth Ali: I know Ali: its a shame but you and your fam have done all you can for him Ali: can only wait and see what he does now Caleb: I'd adopt her but I'm hoping against hope he'll wanna be her dad Caleb: But if not now when like? Caleb: Now he's got to take care of Indie alone that's the excuse he needs Caleb: shit man Caleb: he doesn't deserve either of those girls Ali: She'll know Ali: we don't need a piece of paper to make it official Ali: she feels the 💚 Ali: No matter what happens, we have to look after Indie too, okay? Ali: Make sure she's good Ali: Promise Caleb: I promise you Caleb: nothing's gonna happen to any of these kids on my watch Caleb: she'll feel the love too, all we've got Caleb: 5 babies or 15, gonna keep my word Ali: Same Ali: we're not doing a bad job, are we? Ali: I don't want to prove everyone right Caleb: We've been slipping but it'll be all good when we're together again Caleb: Better with you than without Caleb: And we've always done the bubs right no matter what Ali: Yeah Ali: You're right Ali: haters got me trippin' Ali: don't tell Caleb: I'll pick you up on the quiet Caleb: when you going to the doctors again? I'll time my trip so I can be with Ali: its not 'til next month Ali: so that should actually work out reasonably well? Caleb: Fated Ali: if not its only a checkup so its chill Ali: but we can aim for it Caleb: Sooner the better for me Caleb: Don't tell the kids I wanna show up and see them lose their shit like on the vids Ali: That will be too cute for words Caleb: forreal Caleb: Imma try and get Junie on the songs cos I got my girls to help me Caleb: he's already a chatterbox we halfway to it Ali: they've learnt this Malay nursery rhyme Ali: its sick, they're so good at it Ali: I'll let them show you when you come Caleb: they can teach me Caleb: gimme a leg up Ali: Yeah, and Mandarin Ali: like, you'd get along fine with English but its so much more fun and just respectful to try Ali: I want them to learn as much as they can whilst we're here Ali: and wherever else we end up Caleb: I feel that Caleb: I got an app on my phone but with everything that's been going down I haven't tried Caleb: Sampled some fusion cooking tho which'll be sick now I've got more peeps to get stuck into eating it Caleb: Getting a belly here Ali: 😍 Ali: oh I've missed you Caleb: won't have to for much longer 💚 Caleb: i'll be counting down them training days honest Ali: speaking of Ali: gotta run Ali: got class in an hour and best believe i need all this time to get those kids out the door Caleb: oh I be knowing Caleb: go get your genius on Ali: talk soon ✌ Ali: love you Caleb: te amo 💚💙💜