#are they ever going to get along enough in real life to get another joint interview? they are so much fun together

[elegy-for-the-present]

Max and George offering various unhinged solutions for making the Monaco GP more exciting, this year just as enthusiastically as last year.

[deadpresidents]

I’m curious about the friendship between Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter (and presidential friendships in general,) I’d like to know what that looked like for them. Would they go and do things together or was it just a few phone calls a year?

Their relationship is really interesting because during the 1976 campaign and in the years right afterward, Ford and Carter genuinely did not like each other. It wasn't a normal, opponent vs. opponent rivalry, either. They straight-up disliked one another, and that was extremely unusual for Gerald Ford, who got along with practically everybody he met throughout his life, rarely had bad things to say about other people, and was almost physically incapable of being unkind to others, no matter what side of the political spectrum they belonged to.

What changed was when President Reagan sent all the living former Presidents -- Nixon, Ford, and Carter -- to Cairo in 1981 to attend Anwar Sadat's funeral following Sadat's assassination. The three former Presidents all flew together on one of the planes normally used as Air Force One, and there was some tension at the beginning, but the person who broke the ice, oddly enough, ended up being Richard Nixon. Ford then suggested that the former Presidents should drop all formalities and just refer to one another as Dick, Jerry, and Jimmy. As Ford remembered, "I guess we figured we were gonna be in a plane together forty hours, more or less, and in order to be pleasant, it was a good idea to just wipe the slate clean, which we did." Ford and Carter eventually started bonding, partly over the fact that Ronald Reagan was a major reason why each of them ultimately lost their respective bids for re-election.

At the time, Carter was having trouble building his Presidential Library, and he asked Ford for some advice since Ford had just recently opened his library. When Carter mentioned he was having some issues raising money for the library, Ford offered to come down and appear at fundraisers for him, and asked Carter to return the favor and visit the Ford Library for an event.

As Thomas M. DeFrank writes in his 2007 book, Write It When I'm Gone: Remarkable Off-the-Record Conversations With Gerald R. Ford (BOOK | KINDLE | AUDIO):

"Carter accepted, triggering a Jimmy-Jerry tag team match extending over several years. These back-scratching appearances didn't convert them into friends, but the relationship was notably friendlier. They began staying in regular contact, talking on the phone, and exchanging birthday greetings. Their contacts were sufficiently public that some of Ford's closest political allies grumbled that he was spending altogether too much time with Carter -- not unlike similar complaints from [George H.W.] Bush 41 partisans today that he hangs around Bill Clinton too much. Ford brushed off the complaints. Beyond their shared practical interests in Presidential Libraries, another unifying bond was at play. Both ex-Presidents had strong reasons not to like Ronald Reagan, which helped cement their ties even though neither one would ever admit it publicly. To one old Ford friend, the calculation was simple: 'Once you did something for his library or museum, you were a friend for life.'"

As they got older, Ford and Carter would sometimes make joint appearances at Presidential Libraries or universities, or events for important causes, and they even wrote a joint op-ed during the Monica Lewinsky scandal urging Congress to censure President Clinton instead of impeaching him. They felt it was a bad precedent (which it has clearly turned out to be) and would be bad for the country. Unlike Ford, Jimmy Carter wasn't very easy-going or personable, so there were times when their friendship would get a little frayed. Ford once told a friend, "Well, you know Jimmy. He can be a real pain in the ass, but we get along."

Eventually, they promised one another that they would deliver the eulogy if the other former President died first. President Ford died first, on December 26, 2006, and Carter attended every event during the several days of ceremonies, from Ford's lying in state at the U.S. Capitol, to the national funeral service at the Washington National Cathedral, and traveled with Ford's family and the former President's remains to Ford's hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan. At the church service in Grand Rapids, Carter delivered his eulogy, and also attended the private interment service when Ford was buried as at his Presidential Library. In his eulogy, Carter repeated the gracious first words he had said when delivering his Inaugural Address on the day he took over the White House from Ford in 1977, "For myself and for my nation, I want to thank my predecessor for all he has done to heal our land." It was a remarkable relationship between two former Presidents who, again, genuinely disliked one another for quite some time.

[loquarocoeur]

alex I am so sorry to send another fucking ask but like. I needed to okay, (also doing my first ask on a laptop was a mistake bc I can type at the speed of light here and this got way too long oops?)

something I've thought and wondered about before was the idea of what would happen should max & charles ever be interrupted while max is in subspace. you've covered a funnier side like a regular walk in during sex and both of them just being like Would U Fuck Off, but subspace is different. like perhaps its something just like someone at the apartment door that actually does really need answering, an urgent work call one of them forgot about, someone in an area they are unexpectedly that maybe doesn't see them but their presence is enough to panic max.

if its more the physical presence of someone, even just in another room etc, obviously max would lose 20 years of his life at the idea of anyone but charles seeing him in subspace, its a painfully private vulnerable part of him for charles and charles alone. it'd rock him, obviously.

or if it was more along the line of a phone call or situation where one of them needs to be physically present, how would max feel but also how would charles deal with juggling the Important Thing He Forgot To Do while also soothing a very down very subby max. obviously a first idea is just making the problem Go Away, etc, but a. I like to work scenarios through and b. it'd be enough of a bubble intrusion to cause a shift in the atmosphere anyway.

its not even meant to be like especially angsty if you don't want because heavy shit aint always the vibe. you don't need to know like a definite answer here, or have even thought about it before. I just particularly enjoy the dynamic of subspace itself and wanted to chat (and accidentally send u half an essay about) it. hell you don't need to have a fuckin clue I just wanted to float you my brain thinky stuff bc why not <3

apologies again that I've sent u an ask the length of war and peace

~ swanon 🦢

Yeah I think considering their careers this is definitely a thing that happens at some point.

I think the first time it's probably just the door or something and Max thinks he's going to be fine if Charles just leaves to answer it quickly, but turns out it is not fine and Charles can't just leave him because he will absolutely panic

Also it's probably also more subtle that Max's, but I think Charles also kind of gets into a kind of domspace during sex as much as Max gets into a subspace and even though he finds it much easier to snap himself out of it or multitask with it, it's still a thing and he'd probably need a second too

So I think it obviously does happen like several times to the point that sometimes they either just put it off for a few minutes until they're out of that headspace enough to do the 'important thing' or Charles just ends up taking Max with and letting him just cling onto him behind the door while Charles peeks his head out to sign for a package or smth lol and also let's be real, Charles is not above answering phone calls while he is actively inside of Max

So basically I think it's either Make The Thing Go Away or if that's not an option just Multitask

But yeah I don't think it would end up too great if anyone walked in on them while Max is like actually properly in subspace because yeah that's not something Max wants anybody to see except Charles and it's also not something Charles wants to share with anyone else because it's just like private and personal and it means something to them yknow. And Charles also kind of has the responsibility of taking care of things when Max is like that so he would feel like absolute shit about it even if it wasn't his fault like at all.

Yeah I don't even know what would happen but I don't think they would blame each other at all, if it was bad enough they'd probably end up having a joint breakdown about it crying at the same time like no no I'm sorry it's my fault, no it's mine etc until they finally agree it was nobody's fault and finally calm the fuck down and feel slightly bad for whoever they accidentally traumatised just now

[maximwtf]

“The sun’s down.”

Baizhu x Reader

Words: 2900

Google Docs Pages: 4,1

Warnings: Small injury, established relationship but nothing more than a few kisses and pet names, hurt/comfort, Baizhu is worried about you >:( small spoilers from his quest

Opening: You’ve found something interesting in your research, making you stay up late for multiple nights in a row while working. Baizhu frowns upon cutting from your sleeping time, but doesn’t say anything until it truly seems to start affecting your health.

AN// Reader can be any gender! This is very much self indulgent. I might have survived yet another fever but the joint pain hasn’t gone anywhere, and my wrist now hurts enough that writing this was a pain. On top of this, I requested an ao3 account, so maybe a piano will fall on me by the time I finally get one (or something along the lines of that). Who knows, the fanfic writer curse is real.

“The sun’s down.”

What now felt like forever ago, Baizhu had told you about the contract with the white snake that seemed to be glued around his neck. He’d told you of his deep interest in immortality and how he had been trying to pursue this interest. How he was researching some form of medicine that would maybe grant this everlasting life he so desperately craved after. 

You couldn’t lie to yourself and say you hadn’t been a little taken back by the idea at first. The whole contract part had almost gone over your head, and the reason for it was even more absurd to your mind than anything else. Sure, you were interested in herbs and their possible medical use as well, just like him. But you’d never go as far as to take up on a contract such as he had. It almost sounded like he was fighting against time every second of his life as it was now. Every free moment he had away from patients feeding on his life force were spent thinking of a way to make his seemingly impossible quest possible. And when he wasn’t working on that, he was doing his best to make it to another day after treating more severely ill patients. 

But you also knew that even if you’d known him before the contract, he wouldn’t have listened even if you’d begged for him to not take up on it. He wasn’t one to turn his back to such power, nor did he have it in him to let someone else with a weaker mind to bear such bother on their shoulders. He was invested in making the spiral of contracts end with him for good. And all you could do was help him achieve this mission. 

So, whenever you had the time, you travelled around Teyvat and researched different plants and herbs. This allowed you to bring them back to Baizhu for further research, knowing he himself wouldn’t have ever had the time nor the health to perform such long trips. Only, you had to remind yourself to be careful. He deeply frowned upon the trips where you returned even slightly injured. Repeating the same speech each time of why you shouldn’t get into danger for his sake. That he could do this himself, if otherwise it meant the research would affect your health as well. And you knew he was serious when he said that. He truly and honestly didn’t want to bother anyone with his health and the contract he had made on his own accord. And telling a man like him that he wasn’t a bother and that you cared about him never helped. He wouldn’t listen, even if he knew of your care and worry for his life. Because again, he reminded himself of the bother he’d made of himself by even telling you of the contract in the first place. 

After the last trip you’d taken, you had found something new. Plants you hadn’t researched before and as of right now, they seemed promising. Not something that would automatically concoct an immortality potion, but something that could potentially help with the making of one. But to find out if this could be one of the possible ingredients, you had to sit down and think. Think and write out any possible outcomes and possibilities plants such as these could have. 

So you had taken out all of your books on plants, found chapters with similar plants and begun to read, think and write down everything you could find. It didn’t take long for you to realise the true length of a process such as this. Not that you hadn’t done something like this before, but it had been a while. And even the last study you had done hadn’t been as large as this. 

Of course, you had informed Baizhu of the study you had picked up. He’d been accepting of it, knowing you were just passionate about helping him achieve his goal. But what he hadn’t foreseen was the time this project was going to take. Not only did he worry half the time when you were gone on your trips, but he began to worry about the new habit you had picked up. Staying up late, cutting time from sleeping to maximise the time around the research. 

He had put off lecturing you about it for a while, but the first time he saw you nod off in the middle of the day was when he decided the habit had gone far enough. If you were so tired that you kept falling asleep against your will during daytime, you clearly weren’t getting enough sleep during the night. 

So he waited, waited until the next night rolled around once more. He found you seated at your usual spot, eyes going over pieces of text from a book before moving to your own notes and noting something down quickly. His brows furrowed, eyes becoming a little more serious than before. Even in the dark he could tell how tired your eyes seemed, begging for rest. An awful sight which twisted something in his chest. “Dear?” He called out in his usual tone, voice a little quieter than usually, as to not wake up Changsheng. This still caught your attention almost immediately, half lidded eyes turning to Baizhu. The sight of him erasing the more serious look from your face, a faint smile replacing it. “Yes?” You lowered your hands to the table, letting go of the page you’d been holding previously. “You do know staying up like this is detrimental to your health?” He said, and you could have sworn you heard a sigh escape him right after. The seriousness on his face had disappeared, one of worry staring down at you. You chuckled, trying to ease the mood that had settled as the conversation went on. “I’m only doing this page, I’m coming to bed straight after. Promise”, you nodded straight after as if trying to assure him further. His eyes looked to the side for a moment, wanting to argue with the fact that he’d seen you nod off. But then again he didn’t wish to call you out like this was some kind of serious argument. “Very well”, was all he said. You could see his shoulders ease out a little but the worry never left his face. Though it was not very apparent, you could only tell it was there from the years of companionship you’d had with the man. He was criminally good at hiding his emotions when he wished to do so. 

And with that he had left you alone to finish the page you’d been working on. Though, the research had tempted you enough to work a little longer than that. It was only when you’d begun to feel your wrist ache a little that you’d seen it best to stop and get some rest. Thankfully Baizhu had fallen asleep by that time, making it a little easier to slide under the covers and get some shut eye. Though, that didn’t cancel out the slight guilt you felt about taking longer than you had promised. 

But by the morning, it seemed like he hadn’t noticed the extended time you’d taken. Only, the wrist pain from last night hadn’t disappeared. Not only that, but it felt like it had gotten worse. Certain positions hurt enough to gain a slight gasp from you and having your hand relaxed felt a little awkward too. Not even mentioning that any sudden movements like shaking your hands was a no as well. You even thought of putting something to still the range of movement your wrist had for the day, but if you did that Baizhu would without a doubt lecture you on the project and the toll it had taken on your health. 

But even with the pain and slight tiredness, the mornings were always peaceful. The smell of fresh fruit and breakfast comforted you no matter the mood you might have been in in the morning. And that portion of each day felt like a puzzle that wasn’t missing any pieces. 

You felt the presence of Baizhu as his back was turned to you. He’d sat down to eat, which you intended on doing as well. You reached into a cabinet for tea, knowing the kind Baizhu liked wasn’t the one you preferred. So the one on the table mustn't have been the one you were looking for. Only, the teas were kept high up in the cabinet. This usually wasn’t a problem for either of you, but this morning the placement couldn’t have been more inconvenient for you. Your hand almost got to the teas, but before you could get it down you twisted your wrist. It caused a silent wince to escape you, but as silent as you’d tried to make it, it hadn’t gone unnoticed. Baizhu’s sharp eyes were on you, his lips parting as he was clearly interested in questioning you of what had happened. “Haha, silly me. Thought the package was going to fall on me!” You tried to giggle off the fading pain, biting your inner lip in hopes that the excuse had been good enough. Of course it hadn’t, but Baizhu only frowned lightly. “Do you need me to get it for you?” He asked, placing his hands on the edge of the table, ready to stand up. “No! It’s okay.” You quickly nodded, flashing him a smile before fighting through the pain as you swiftly grabbed the tea and brought it down to you. It hurt, but admitting to your bad habit would have hurt even more. It wasn’t even about your ego, but instead seeing him worry for you when you were doing the whole research for his sake that hurt even more than any wrist pain could. 

You eventually sat down with him, enjoyed your breakfast and followed him to the pharmacy as he opened the place up and let patients in. You spending the rest of the day out of his way and continuing the research project. It was apparent that the pain had been caused by the immense writing you’d suddenly started doing. And it must have agitated something in your hand to cause pain from your wrist to elbow and back down to your fingers. But that was only one hand down, you still had one perfectly working hand to use and you weren't going to waste anymore time pondering about such minor issues when you had work to do. The secrets the new plants withheld weren’t going to solve themselves. 

The day passed quickly this way, and only the sound of the last patient thanking Baizhu and leaving got your attention. With no breaks taken yet again, you could feel your lower back ache. Nothing bad, but you noted that a better chair could help to avoid it down the line. 

Baizhu came around to your table, eyes quickly scanning the freshly written pages in front of you. Something of relief passed through his body as he saw some clear conclusion markings on the pages, indicating that you’d come to some kind of conclusion with the research that day. “Would you mind giving these to Qiqi, I have something to go and fetch.” He asked gently, placing two wrapped packages on the side of the table. “Mhm, of course.” You hummed, putting down the book that you’d been reading. “Much obliged, dear”, the man said before heading off. You gently pushed the chair you’d been on back, taking a gentle hold of the packages before heading for the front desk in the search for Qiqi. Nowhere to be found, you stood still, looking around for her. 

It had taken you quite a while to catch a glimpse of her, but eventually you’d been able to call her over. Only, by that time Baizhu had made it back as well. He was able to observe you pick up the packages once more and attempt to hand them over to Qiqi. Though, doing this with one hand had proven to be the wrong move. They weighed quite a bit and caused your wrist to complain about the strain put on it. You winced, almost dropping both of the packages. Thankfully Qiqi had been close enough to catch the one that had fallen, carefully accepting the last one you offered her. She seemed to know what they were for and hurried to take them wherever she’d been told to drop them off at. 

You scrunched your nose a little while caressing the wrist. “Dear, are you alright?” The all too familiar voice of Baizhu’s called out, concern clear in it. “Ah, it’s nothing. Really.” You sighed off the initial shock of finding him in the same space, shoulders relaxing. “Then I assume you wouldn’t mind if I had a look?” The doctor asked, clearly already assured that something was wrong. And he was right too, if you truly were fine there would have been no reason to run from the questions. You’d been caught. “Very well. Go ahead, doctor.” You sighed, reaching out your arm for him. He raised his eyebrows for a moment, looking at you before lowering his eyes to your hand. 

His hands felt smooth as he took a hold of yours. He was always gentle, even now when he seemed a little frustrated with the way you’d been deceiving him. He kept his eyes keenly on your hand, which was a performance you couldn’t even attempt. Chewing on your inner lip, your eyes were fixated on him. He gently pressed along the muscles of your hand, moving along to your wrist. Nothing. His eyes narrowed, gently turning the hand up and pushing it further with his own palm. Nothing. Not out of options, he pushed your hand down, making you bite down on your lip just a little harder. But he felt the way your hand tensed up. Gently, his fingers slid along the ink stained skin of your hand. He turned it around, the palm facing him. Intertwining his fingers with yours, the hold got a little stronger as he used his hand to push yours down once more. A silent ‘ah-’ gave him a mark to stop but also confirmed his initial worries. Careful, he lifted your hand back to a more comfortable position. “Does it hurt if you shake your hands?” He asked, the question so specific you had to think for a moment. Think all the way back to this morning when you’d washed your hands and shook them dry before using a towel. The shaking had hurt enough for you to stop the action completely. “On occasion,” you muttered, voice now more defeated than ever. “You’ve been working far too much. You’ve given your body a proper shock by switching its natural rhythm.” He spoke surprisingly gently while turning around and swiftly picking up some bandages. But at the end of the day his reaction shouldn’t have come as a surprise. This was the most patient man you knew, and he somehow kept it together no matter what came his way. And you’d found that when it came to you, he couldn’t find it in him to be mad. If only ever so slightly frustrated, but even that seemed to have been rooted in care, not malice or hate. He knew rushing others and being impatient wasn’t going to help anything or anyone. 

“But I’m almost done. Well at least I suspect so.” You automatically chirped out a protest, eyes keenly following as he leaned forward and carefully began to wrap your wrist. You didn’t pull away, watching as the roll got thinner the more he applied it on you. “Too tight?” He asked, seemingly having ignored what you’d just said to him. You gave him a look for that, knowing he most likely missed it as his focus was elsewhere. To answer his question, it was rather tight but that meant it was going to hold better. Just what you’d been craving since the morning. “It’s good”, you replied and observed as he held the end of the bandage in place and used his other hand to grab a clip which he stretched out to hold the bandage in place. “There. Now, I’d suggest you go and rest early.” He took a pause, but spoke up again early enough so you couldn’t protest immediately after. “And I’m not saying this as your doctor. Please, dear.” He sighed, perhaps without even noticing he gave your hand a squeeze. Your mouth opened ever so slightly, a protest you’d prepared at the tip of your tongue. Though something stopped you, dragged you back from saying it out loud. “Sure, thank you.” Your gaze rose up to his face. A more warmer smile appeared on his face, his hands gently slipping away from yours, slowly like he didn’t want to let go. You gave the wrist a little test of endurance. What had felt painful before felt much better now. Baizhu seemed to have noticed this too as he straightened his back. 

His hand carefully placed itself just below your shoulder, gently pushing your forward. “And now, we’re going to rest.” Baizhu said calmly, but you could hear the tiredness from his own voice. He’d spent his own life force today, but as always he hid that well. And you didn’t question him about it either. “The sun’s down.” A whisper hit your ear as he gave your cheek a tender kiss. The way he was now eased any worry you might have had, willingly following him to a bed which now felt a lot more inviting than before. 

AN// Now, about ao3, since I most likely won’t be making a separate post about it. I won’t post anything new there, only cross post the fanfics from this blog that I like the most. Since I know a lot of ao3 users don’t use tumblr ! But tumblr will still be my main platform for anything I write, and most likely will have even more content since AO3 will be only for my personal favourites :”D

[filthy-ratrace]

1/18/2025

They lifted the "investigation" off my GED test from yesterday. Thank God, honestly. I was scared they were going to ban my account or something. I woke up feeling super grateful. They didn't email me back or say anything about it. I went in & I was able to pay for another test, so I did. Before I used that money on something stupid. lbs.

Talked to Junior as well today. He called me fairly early this morning, at 9:54 AM. Which he's only done a couple of times, and I notice. I know he loves me, and I do love him as well. I just understand that he has different versions of himself, as we all do. It's funny because I didn't "care" about the risks of being with him or what comes with him, but I was always crying about how I couldn't feel the love from him, or he didn't love me. Now, I'm sure he loves me, I'm simply sure of it, and now I'm super worried about being with him.

It's very similar to Oscar, he had the world handed to him and then ripped away. He's used to living a certain lifestyle but doesn't know how to maintain it for himself. Or even create that lifestyle for himself instead of piggy backing off others, even if it is family. So now he's got a year to sit and really think about what he wants. Hopefully he can have enough discipline to create and maintain the lifestyle that he wants. I'm sure he can do it, he really is a unique, smart individual. He just needs some shaping, as we all do. A better environment wouldn't be a bad start either.

He reminds me of myself too. He's aware of things and he knows what right and what's wrong. He misses his kids like crazy & I know he loves them. It's hard for him and all the choices he's made are definitely weighing down on him right now. God really does show us, one way or another. I never been locked up, but I sure do understand the mentality and the struggles that come along with being essentially alone.

That's why I was always there for him, like I wanted someone to be there for me. Vice versa. He's there for me like he wanted someone to be down for him. We both want loyalty, money, our kids, we both want to see the world. We love learning things, and we are two highly unique, capable people. It's honestly so funny how I met him, and I don't think I'll ever forget him. He is very handsome as well. LOL. That never helps.

He is a bat straight outta hell tho. That mf is batshit crazy. In the same sentence that it's funny or wild, I know it can get dark and scary. He's still young as well, and he's obsessed with guns (like any man) but drugs and the street life that comes along with it. Which is fine, I'm no stranger to it. I will NOT have my kids around that, and I wouldn't want his kids around it either. So, that's something he is really going to have to make a decision on. Or figure out that balance of family and his other shit. Ya know?

He does have a spot in my heart, I can say that. He thinks I won't wait for him, but the truth is that I've already been waiting for him. Sure, he came out during the daytime, almost every day, which was still AMAZING. At eight o'clock though, he would always have to go back. I never got to experience sleeping with him or waking up with him. I never even got the chance to smoke real weed with him or have a drink with him. We never got to go anywhere alone or do much because we never had too much money.

His dad said something about them giving him a year in the joint, which isn't terrible. He's already been gone 3 and a half months, and I still feel the same about him. I still answer his calls, and he still calls me. So that is something, even if it is small. I think even if he has a year to do, I'll still be there. I want to be there to pick him up and I know I'll still want to see him in a year. As funny or sad as that sounds, it's the truth. He's being super reserved about it, which I understand, it's his business. Not mine and he seemed upset that his dad told me anything at all, so I just let it go.

He knows I love him but he's learning my ways too, and I'm not going to follow blindly. I am a strong, independent, smart woman. Who is more than capable of being alone and making my own money. I will never settle for a man and a man won't ever settle for me. We will find each other and work on each other for as long as we feel love for one another. We add to each other, not one taking more from the other. I am not a child anymore and neither is my mindset. He's growing up too I feel. I mean, I'm sure with all he's been through, he's surely learned something.

Now it's just time to do right and stack this money. Make a good life. If I can do that with Junior, I'll be more than happy. It's getting done either way, obviously. However, I am getting lonely, which I'm sure is just as obvious. LOL.

I just continue to pray for the people I love, but I've learned to also pray for myself.

[toots-senpai]

How To Cleanup Your Needs vs Your Wants

author: @toots-senpai

fandom: creepypasta

pairing: jeff the killer x reader

rating: R 18+

word count: 1.8k

warning tags: tw:stalking , tw: (consensual) abuse mention , tw:murder , tw: mary jane use , tw: voyuerism , tw: mean jeff, blood kink, cunnilingus, blowjob, spit/cum kink

authors note: i have like 9 other fics in the drafts have this one, i re-edited it to the best of my ability :)

MINORS DNI

i don’t except follows from ageless blogs, you will be blocked!!

nsfw under the cut

to be in this 'loving, healthy relationship' with jeff is key to survival. being on the same wave length made your trip back to society after being kidnapped so much easier but time away from each other was not so easy somehow, call it sherlock syndrome or even dick dazed. the last thing you said 'you don't need me jeff, you want me.' was accepted by both of you, so much so that he even let you leave permanently. it was the truth, a whole twelve days without each other proved that. no texting and no interactions made you realize how boring it is without jeff anyways.

you've gotten back your shitty apartment with your roommate who was ecstatic to see you again after you had been missing. a couple days of police looking at all the marks of what they didn't know to be consensual abuse came to your answers of 'you didn't know' or more excuses on not remembering the so called 'traumatic' event of being kidnapped the last year and half. you'll laugh silently when they leave the room over those few days, everyone looking at the bruises along your body thinking of all the worst possible things to say, society whispering around you like insects. the cops are off your case in those first few days due to your lack of response but they've suggested you therapy and what ever other 'kind' gestures to get mentally better, you shove them into your car and that night you're back in your exes bed, bored. for days, joints start piling up in the ashtray. your ex is right across from your roommate so you can easily slip between the two apartments with ease. boring parties that you went to with your roommate left you with an ache in your cunt unsatisfied. laying on couches without jeff's hands fucking with your body has you completely stirred and so unsatisfied that you can't think straight. he might not need you, but you need him. you debate texting jeff when your roommate walks in. she looks at you in awe, skimpy pajama wear and all of the plants are watered leaving a nice moisture in the air despite the smoke from your morning to afternoon smoke session.

"hun, i can smell you all the way down the hallway."

"suck it, hope you can smell my cunt too." you seethe playfully sticking your tongue through your teethe at her.

"i already smell you two fucking almost every night since you came home, is that not enough?" she'll sigh with and a playfully accusing look. she'll place the groceries down at the table like she does every day and will light up one of the pre-rolled joints when you turn on the show you two watch, jeff's chat open on you phones besides your thigh ignored.

jeff on the other hand hasn't touched his phone in days since you left. you were right he didn't need you at all, he can go through his days without you here. you were a phase, a mere fascination for a moment he had been thinking the first few days. you cared too much about him and he doesn't reciprocate the energy you want, the energy you needed. in the first days he breaks, it's true that he doesn't need you, but the real truth is that he wants you. wants you so bad that his dick has been painfully hard and his victims do nothing to help, he's unsatisfied. all he can think about is your lips slobering all over his cock and he desperately wants it so bad.

he doesn't need it, need you. he can let you live a happy life without the constant fear of demons and death with another lover that will do better than him, but when he sees it's just the ex he took you from in the first place he can't help but to fall back into his unhealthy habits. watching you ride the man who doesn't touch you the way you like and when you whisper jeff's nickname softly against the deaf ears of the man below you he can't help but palm himself through his jeans. you're putting on such a pretty show for him every single time the two of you fuck and the guy just screws his eyes shut as he silently slurs around words over how tight your cunt is. he watches you two every night until his cock cant take it, his balls wont empty and watching your cunt soak the toy when you whimpered jeff's name over and over while you tried to replace jeff's touch ever other night had him almost sneaking through your window but he accidentally got caught up with your neighbor. your stupid ex who decided to knock him out and take him back into his house.

when jeff wakes up he isn't bothered or fazed but more annoyed than anything. the restraints are nothing but flimsy and your panties are on the floor and your ex just keeps stepping over them as he attempts to lecture jeff. he taps under the chair in annoyance as the man talks shit about him being outside your window and the second he says something out of line, jeff's out of the chair and the man is dead on his bed. jeff sighs, blood covering and dripping off the bed. he thinks if he did it for you for a second when he goes to clean it up but the thought is thrown away as fast as it slipped into his head and you slipped in the apartment behind him. he grabbed the handle of his knife before his glance flipped to you fully but the knife whizzed right back your cheek, your reflexes fast from jeff's antics. the thought made his dick throb and he thought for a seond that if he never taught you those things, you'd be dead a second ago.

his dick pressed sinfully against his jeans and the sight of jeff, blood dripping off of his clothing and his jeans so strained had your panties soaked. jeff laughs from the blade and you take it out of the wall shooting him a piercing glare that shuts him up. the air is tense and sexual but you place his knife back in his palm, a quick glance.

"how are you gonna clean this up?" you'll ask but jeff isn't focused on him or the bloody mess seeping into the floor anymore, the bloodrush snapped his adrenaline awake and you presented yourself there nice and cute, daily makeup done and tight lazy wear on your skin. the tight tanktop and shorts made him want to ruin you, wipe his bloody hands all over the white of your shorts and comfy knitted knee high socks you wear around the house. you reek of weed and pussy and he wants all of you.

"i don't want to clean this up, i want you doll. come here." you pause for a second from his words, watching his breathing becoming harsher and you know his mind is running with obscene thoughts of you probably on the bloody bed and what you wouldn't do to be on your knees for jeff again but even when you walked into the room you still had his chat open, with nothing to say. boundaries were put up and him killing your fuck buddy can say alot of things about crossing those but honestly you couldn't give two shits about him.

"you.. want me."

"yes." you'll whine a bit, bratty in a sense but it's covering the sexual innuendo first as unsatisfied tears spill off your cheeks.

"i... i need you jeffery."

in a split second jeff is on you, blood smearing over your shorts and his dick pressed into the crevice of your wet pussy even through the clothing. you whine and jeff walks to the bathroom fully clothed and turns on the shower behind him as he pulls you in and pushes you into the tiles, holding you up underneath your plush thighs. the blood runs down into the drain off of his clothes and the blood smeared off yours, staining the white to almost an orange. jeff is radioactive and you're quarantined between his long arms with radiation poisoning.

water spills into both of your mouths and when the water connects both of your hair into your moving mouths, almost synchronized the both of you grab each others hair out of the way as you both pathetically grind against each other. whines leave your mouth as jeff grabs your mouth open to spit in it, smacking your cheek to make sure you keep your mouth open when he slides you down. his dick smacks your cheek before you take it into your mouth and the water drips off his clothes and onto your face but his back is blocking the stream of the water so it only comes down in fat droplets. it doesn't take too long for jeff to get to his usual pace that has snot coming out of your nose and tears streaming down your cheeks. he can be a rude asshole yet this entire time he hasn't let your head hit the tile once while you bobbed your head, even as he bruised your throat with rough strokes.

"fucking whore, taking my dick down your throat so nicely. such a nice little slut for me." he'll choke out dazed. he'll whine as he spills a fat load while keeping his dick lodged down your throat for a couple minutes after he cums while he teases and bullies you for being so messy around his cock. he'll let you get sprayed by the water even with his dick still lodged down your throat before he's nice again. the water turns off and he's kissing your thighs and dragging the soaked shorts down your body and delving his tongue into your cunt while hoisting your hips off the wet floor. the bathroom is steamed and even though your body is sticky it's nothing to jeff. he knows you can't help but writhe and whimper of overstimulation when he keeps going after making you cum two times from his fingers and tongue, while he's been eating you out starved. "n-need you too.." he'll mutter when he's balls deep in your cunt. your thighs will burn and his cum will feel like anti pain cream in between your thighs. the shower tiles are cold and cum has gathered around your hips and dripped from in between your thighs and gathered in a pool underneath your ass. your whines are airy and hoarse when jeff's finally done, settling with one last creampie before he holds you to him for a couple of minutes, straightening your back from being in that cramped position. he'll stretch your limbs softly in silence as he kisses you and massages you sore parts while you whine underneath him.

you need him. you need to be jeff's and he want's you to be his and when you lock glances, and your teary eyed from his massages, it's already agreed upon.

[cherrycocaineee]

18. Sodapop - A Love All Too Real

*Warning - Smut; spanking, biting, dirty talk, hair pulling, car sex*

“My baby did so well.”

“Cum one more time for me, I know you’ve got it in you.”

“I know, baby, I know. I’m right here, just breathe.”

*Sodapop’s p.o.v*

   Mickey Mouse was playing loudly throughout the living room, trying to muffle the sounds of the rain beating against the roof. It worked a little, distracting all of us from the brewing storm outside. Two-Bit was sitting next between Steve and I, completely mesmerized by his favorite showing playing on the screen. It wasn’t getting late but most of us were ready to pass out in the spots we sat in; me including, my heavy eyelids sinking each time I blinked. However, we were shaken away when there was a rapid banging noise on the door. I pushed myself up off the cushion and peered towards the closed door like all the others, wondering who could possibly be standing outside in this weather. The knocking came again, except this time with a voice behind it.

  “Seriously guys! Who else would be knocking at your damn door right now?!”

  It was Anni.

   Ponyboy hopped off the floor, leaving Johnny sitting there alone, and opened the front door quickly. Anni was standing there, her hand over her left eye, soaking wet from the rain fall. She glared at him.

  “Took you long enough,” she grumbled.

 “Sorry Anni,” he said, “we expected you to be at home.”

  “I was at home. I got kicked out.”

  When she stepped into the house, the multiple bruises on her skin, fresh blood was collected on her skin and clothes, and when she removed her hand from her eye you could see how bad it really was. Her eye was black and purple, and I could see that some of the blood vessels in her eye were popped due to the red color collecting in her eye.

  “Holy shit,” Two-Bit muttered, his eyes staying off the television now.

 No one cared about Mickey Mouse playing anymore, or how tired they were. We only cared about Anni.

She placed her bag down by the door as she passed Ponyboy, who was still in shock that he couldn’t even move to close the door. Steve did it for him, not wanting rain to get inside the house or on him.

  “Anni,” Darry said, standing in front of her, “this is the third time this week.”

  She looked at all of us before turning back to Darry, the unfazed look on her face never wavering, as she shrugged.

  “So?” She muttered.

 “So,” he continued, “you can’t keep livin’ like this.”

  Anni waved her hand in front of her, rather annoyed that she had to hear this again. Anytime she came over covered in bruises, Darry or one of us would tell her she couldn’t live with her dad again. It was always met with the same unfazed look on her face along with a light shrug of the shoulders. Anni crossed her arm over her chest; I noticed that she didn’t even wince. She was so use to the constant abuse and beatings that they didn’t even hurt her physically anymore.

   “Why not?” She asked, tilting her head to the side.

 “Anni, you do realize that your eyeball is red right? Like the blood vessels in your eye have busted?” Dally inquired, taking a long drag from his cigarette.

 “Well yeah, I’m going to clean myself up and wait for it to heal like always.”

   “But what we’re sayin’,” I said, standing from my spot, “you don’t deserve to be beaten every time you go home. You deserved to be cared for and go to sleep safely.”

  Once more, I noticed that the unfazed look in her eyes never wavered. She was so numbed to the abuse it didn’t seem wrong anymore. Instead, she turned away from all of us, facing the open bathroom ready to head inside so she could avoid the problem.

  “Doesn’t matter to me. Lots of things shouldn’t happen but they do. People take what they want from me whenever they please; the want sex, they don’t have to ask they just take, if every night someone wants to beat the hell out of me so that they feel better then so be it. I’m nothing more than a toy; a disposable piece of shit that people tend to keep around until they’re done using me.”

  With those final words, she walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. My heart broke into hundreds of pieces after hearing her say those words. Anni wasn’t a bad person, she just never knew what it felt like to be loved and cherished. All I wanted to do was love and cherish her. To lay beside her at night and hold her. To pepper her face with dozens of kisses while caressing her small form. To just show her what it felt to be cared about instead of used. But she was so brainwashed into thinking she didn’t matter, that she was nothing more than a throwaway doll, that she couldn’t see it.

  Ponyboy wrapped his arms around him.

 “We can’t keep lettin’ her live there, Darry,” he said.

 “I know that, Pony, but unless she wants to leave there isn’t anythin’ we can do,” Darry said, “I’m goin’ to go make her somethin’ to eat.”

  That was a normal routine when Anni came over all beaten up. She normally wouldn’t have eaten for two days before the beating. I had asked her why she didn’t eat two days in advance and she told me that it helped her not throw up when her dad kicked her in the stomach. Once more breaking my heart as I heard her tell me that she could anticipate when the beating was coming and how to make it hurt less.

 I followed Darry into the kitchen, Steve and Ponyboy trailing behind me. He was already getting all of the sandwich stuff out, dinner having been served a while ago and with all of us here, there were no leftovers. I grabbed the mustard off the table and watched Pony take out some bread before spreading the yellow condiment on her sandwich. We worked in silence, not sure what we could say to one another. Darry was right; unless Anni wanted to leave her parents, to have a better life, there wasn’t much we could do.

   As soon as we finished making her sandwich, and Steve added half a pickle to the plate, Anni came walking in while drying her hair with the towel. She was wrapped in nothing but a towel. In the kitchen light I could see her bruises more prominent.

  “Soda, can I borrow some clothes?” She inquired.

 “Sure thing, doll,” I said, rinsing my hands off and following her to my room.

   I opened the drawer and took out a pair of gray sweatpants and a black wife beater that revealed a lot on the side. It was something I wore around the house when it was hot.

  “You know, Pony has clothes that might fit you better,” I joked.

 “Yeah, probably,” she laughed, “but they aren’t as comfortable as yours.”

  I handed the clothes to her, looking at her beaten up face. I frowned.

 “Does it hurt?” I whispered.

 “No more than it normally does,” she shrugged, “can you close the door on your way out? Please, and thank you.”

  Nodding my head, I left the room and closed the door behind me. Anni came out five minutes after wearing the sweats and wife beater I’d given her. It was much bigger on her than I’d expected, revealing all of her sides and if she moved her arms a certain way you could see the side of her breast. She wasn’t wearing a bra, not that she needed one because her breasts were small and perky.

  A lump formed in my throat as I watched her. I had to force myself to look away. She plopped down on the recliner, throwing her legs over the arm of the chair as Darry walked in with her sandwich. He handed it to her and smiled.

 “Eat up, kid,” he said.

 “Thank you,” she said, smiling back.

Soon the rain went away; Darry had gone to sleep an hour ago, having to get up for work in the morning. Pony had fallen asleep on the floor beside Johnny, Dally left with Two-Bit to a party that was close by, and Steve was sprawled out beside me completely knocked out. His mouth was partially opened which made me laugh a little.

  Anni was still awake. She walked over to me, her arms folded over her chest.

  “Want to come outside with me?” She asked, “I need to smoke.”

 “Sure, come on,” I said, standing up carefully not to wake Steve or the others.

  I closed the door behind us and she shivered. The rain had made the air incredibly cold, and she was hardly wearing anything. Her pale skin glowed in the darkness, and in the small, illuminating porch light, I noticed that her nipples were erected.

 “Come on,” I said, leading her to Darry’s truck.

  We climbed into the backseat. I reached to the front and grabbed the spare keys underneath the visors. I turned the truck on and let the heater kick in so we could warm up. Anni was digging through her bag, removing a lighter and a container out. I watched her open the container and take out a joint. Anni didn’t smoke cigarettes, couldn’t stand the taste, but she did smoke weed and I was pretty sure it was because it numbed her from everything. I watched her light her joint and hit it, a cloud of smoke releasing from her perfect, soft, pink lips. The smell of weed collecting in the car and I knew I was going to have to air it out before we went in. Darry had the nose of a hound.

  She looked over at me and held out the joint, “want some?”

  “No thanks, doll,” I smiled.

  Shrugging her shoulders, she continued to smoke the joint. Her unwounded eye turned hazy and became a bit red. With each puff, she was getting higher and higher; this obviously not being the first time she smoked tonight. She slouched down in her seat, the shirt riding up a little bit. I guess I’d been staring too long because she faced me and raised her eyebrow.

  “Why do you keep staring at me like that?” She questioned.

 “Just takin’ in all of your wounds,” I whispered, half lying.

  She let her eyes land on the bruises decorating her arm before dropping it and taking another hit of her joint.

  “You know, I’m use to it but they still hurt like hell.”

  “You shouldn’t be use to it,” I muttered, “I hate seein’ you like this, Anni.”

  Anni put out her smoke, putting it back in her purse and folding her arms, “why?”

  “Because I care about you. Every time I see you all bruised up like this, it pisses me off. I swear if I ever see your dad-”

  “You’ll do nothing.”

  Our eyes met; hers cold, and distant, mine shocked, and sad.

  “If you do something it’ll only make it worse. I’ll just get beaten ten times worse than the last. He’ll do everything in his power to prove he’s got total control over me, and he’s right.”

  I reached over and touched her shoulder. She flinched a bit but I didn’t pull away; her skin was cool to the touch, the heater barely keeping her warm. Anni sighed.

 “It’s just how it is, Soda. Leave it be.”

  “How can I do that?” I asked, “you don’t deserve it.”

 “Because I’m not important, Soda!” She snapped, “if I left today, all of you would stop thinking about me! If I died tomorrow, you’d forget me as soon as you saw the next girl walk by! I’m replaceable! A nobody! Unloved!”

 “You aren’t unloved!” I yelled back, “and maybe to your shitty dad you're replaceable, but to me you’re irreplaceable! You’re so fucked up in the head, you don’t even know what love is because they’ve got you all messed up.”

  “So?! What do you want me to do about it!”

 “Let me show you what it’s like to be loved, Anni.”

  She started nibbling on her lip as I got closer to her. She didn’t move away from me though, as I leaned in closer and closer. The air between us almost felt thin, I could hardly breathe. I could see her chest moving up and down fast. Was she nervous? Scared? I couldn’t tell. My forehead pressed against hers.

  “I’ll stop if you want,” I whispered, “I’d never do somethin’ to you that you aren’t comfortable with.”

  It took her a moment to answer and when she was capable of doing so, it came out as more of a hushed whisper.

 “I’m fine,” her voice croaked, “you can continue.”

She was definitely nervous. My words, along with my actions, had her flustered and confused.

Nodding my head, I pressed my lips against hers. Her lips were just as soft as I’d imagined them to be. When I pulled away, it was only for a second, going back into and kissing her deeply once again, this time more passionately. I softly pushed her back, keeping my lips on hers, and crawled between her legs. Her hands reached up and wrapped around my neck, her fingers tangling themselves into my hair. A soft groan left my lips as I felt her fingers tug gently.

   I pulled away from her, a small amount of saliva pulling from our lips. Her eyes were hazy with lust and confusion.

  “I’ve got you, doll,” I whispered, “I promise.”

  She nodded her head. Leaning back down, I attached my lips to her neck and started leaving wet, open mouthed kisses along the nape. Softly sucking and nibbling on her flesh, I felt my cock harden at the sound of her breathy moans. A sound that I wanted to be familiar with forever. I bit down on her neck and she gasped, jolting forward, her chest pressing against mine. Her nipples were still hard. I swirled my tongue around the spot I bit down on before biting down on a different spot, repeating the process.

  “Soda,” she whimpered.

  It was the first time I’ve heard her sound so vulnerable.

  “That’s a good girl,” I praised, returning my attention to her face.

  The black eye didn’t bother me, neither did the blood in her eye. She was as beautiful as she always was.

  I grabbed the rim of my shirt and pulled it off, revealing my tanned chest. Her eyes lingered a little lower, her teeth biting her bottom lip while she scanned over my body. I chuckled then reached for her shirt. She lifted her arms letting me pull the shirt over her head, revealing her exposed, bruised flesh. I groaned at the mere sight of her breasts. They were perfect; like beautiful clouds. I barely licked one of the hardened nipples and her back arched, eyes rolling to the back of her head. I captured her lips with mine once again, this time kissing her hungrily.

  I pulled her off the seat and into my lap, breathing heavily as I started kissing down her neck again, tracing the purple hickeys I had left. My hands fumbled with my zipper first, my cock aching to be released from their restraints. Not bothering to lift her off of me, I lifted myself off the seat a bit and pulled my jeans down. Anni wrapped her arms around me, tugging my hair a bit as she kissed me hard. I grabbed the sweats she was wearing and dragged them down, my hands grazing her bare skin causing her to shiver. I loved watching her shiver after I touched her. It didn’t happen often with Anni, she hardly ever reacted to anyone touching her, so to see, to feel, her shake from my touch sent a rush of pride through me.

  Anni lifted herself off of my lap as I pulled her sweats all the way off. She was completely naked in front of me now.

  “God damnit, Anni,” I groaned, “so fucking beautiful.”

 A soft laugh left her lips as she watched me pull my boxers down finally releasing my growing member. There was no need to wait any longer, no need for foreplay, no need for me to poke and prod to make sure she was okay. We were both ready as if we'd been waiting for years. I lined myself up with her and pushed her down onto me, groaning at the feeling of her tight walls gripping me. Anni buried her head into my shoulder and moaned softly at the feeling of me filling her up. Only a second passed before I started thrusting my hips back and forth, our skin slapping against each other’s. Small pants were leaving her mouth as she gripped my shoulders tightly, keeping herself upright despite being drilled into. Even though I wasn’t going too fast right now, the position allowed me to bury myself deep into her sweet little cunt.

   “Holy fuck,” I moaned, “that’s it baby.”

  My pace quickened as she started bouncing herself up and down; the truck started to rock a bit at the movement happening inside but we didn’t care. Anni’s moans became more erotic and lewd; she sounded almost angelic and I loved that I was the one making her feel this way. Her head fell back as she continued to ride my cock, meeting each thrust coming from me. I moved my left hand up to the back of her head and pulled her hair a little, just enough to get her to face me. I didn’t want to hurt her. She moaned at the feeling of me pulling her hair.

  “Fuck, Anni, you sound so beautiful,” I groaned, pulling her closer by her hair so that our foreheads could meet, “such a beautiful girl for me, huh?”

  She could only nod, her body shivering.

  “Soda, I’m close,” she whimpered out.

  “Let it go, baby,” I moaned, “I’ve got you.”

 Those words with the quickening pace of our thrust sent Anni into euphoria. She screamed out, her legs violently shaking as she came all over my cock. I held her in place; one hand gripping her side while the other stayed tangled in her hair. I removed my hand from her back and smacked her perfectly, plump, sweaty ass. She yelped, rocking her hips into mine causing me to groan. Giving her ass a few more smacks, enough to pleasure her, I turned us over so that I was on top of her. My eyes danced across her sweaty body. I started pouring kisses onto her face and mumbling soft “I love you’s” as I continued to thrust into her faster.

  “Soda,” she moaned, “I can’t.”

  “Shh,” I whispered, holding back a string of curse words, feeling her walls tighten around me, “you can do it baby. Come on.”

   I slammed into her repeatedly; removing my cock all the way at the tip and then slamming back into her. Her eyes rolled back as her hips arched. I could feel myself getting closer to my climax as I watched her, feeling her dripping cunt swallow me over and over again.

  “Cum one more time for me,” I cooed, “I know you’ve got it in you.”

 Anni couldn’t form any more words, all she could do was nod her head and let me coax her with my sweet words. Soon her body spasmed again and her legs shook harshly. Her screams rippled through the air, but I didn’t bother covering her mouth to hide them. I didn’t care if people heard and I didn’t care if that caused people to come over to see what was happening; all I wanted was to be focused on Anni.

  “Fuck, baby, I’m gonna cum,” I croaked.

  My thrust becoming sloppier, I watched her body go limp as pools of sweat collected on her chest. I thrusted into her three more times before spilling my cum into her fleshy, pink walls. Coating every inch.

  “Fuck!” I yelled, “oh my God, fuck!”

  I stopped moving, unable to ride out my high for too long. Anni was panting hard. I pulled myself out of her and brought her to my chest. Rubbing soft circles onto her bruised back as she gasped for air.

  “I know, baby, I know. I’m right here, just breathe.”

   When Anni finally did catch her breath, she rested her head against my bare, sweaty chest. A tired smile appeared on my face as I watched her look up at me.

  “My baby did so well,” I praised again.

  We stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like a lifetime. Her glistening skin glowed in the moonlight, the cool air chapping her dry lips making her lick them repeatedly, her breast heaving up and down as she took in large amounts of air. Her black hair was not sweaty and clinging to her beautiful face. I reached my hand down and stroked the bruise on her cheek.

  “I love you, Anni,” I whispered, “so fuckin’ much. You’ll never be replaceable to me. I only want you.”

  Anni chuckled and closed her eyes, she was definitely sleepy.

  “I’ll hold you to that, Soda. If you love me, maybe I can let myself love you too. It may take a while but I’ll do it for you.”

  Grabbing the blanket that Darry normally kept inside his truck, I draped it over us and sighed. She buried her head into my chest and let her heavy eyes close. The sound of my heart lulling her to sleep.

  “No matter how long it takes,” I said, “I’ll wait for you. I’ll help you love again because you deserve it. That and the world.”

   The sudden realization of Darry coming out in the morning to see us asleep, naked in his car with the lingering smell of sex, hit me. A low chuckle escaped from my lips. I knew I was gonna hear it in the morning, but right now, I didn’t care. It felt like it was just Anni and I, all alone. That’s what I wanted.

[graqefruito]

Bumps and Bandages- Quackity

pairing: Quackity x gn!clumsy!reader

type: fluff

cw: falling, pain, bandages

A clatter thundered throughout the room, the floorboards vibrating gently with your fall. Soon after a small giggle resounded and your arms flopped beside you as your body relaxed, for the second time that day, into the floor. Letting your head tip back and your bruised legs soften against the mahogany wood, a sigh of slight pain escaped your lips. Your ankle had rolled underneath your leg like a pinball trundling around the little game. The skin of your ankle was crimson and puffed out like a proud chest. It was sure to swell even further you thought as another groan passed your lips.

Taking your attention away, you heard a patter of feet scampering down the hall. A jittery knock osciillated through your door and the quiet mumbles of your worried boyfriend sounded behind the plank of wood.

“Amor, you okay?” Hs voice lilted into your ears.

Your mind cringed at the thought of him having to race away from his own stream just to check on you. The caring tone weaved into his words sent a flutter of embarrassment to float through your body.

“Uh yeah of course, just tripped again, nothing serious, you can go back to your stream!” The discomposure and shame was clear in your voice.

“Okay, if you’re sure, I just need to do something not definitely not stream related, love”

“Yeah yeah please, have fun” you couldn’t help but smile slightly at his sweet words.

Again, you heard the pitter of his feet slapping against the wooden flooring as he ran through the house to his streaming office. Humiliation at your own clumsiness rippled through you and emanated in the atmosphere all around. Your fall replayed in your mind for minutes as your laid there uncomfortable on the floor, a numbing pain exploding in your ankle. Again, your eyes graced the joint. The only word quipping through your mind was ‘Oh’, the bruise was forming and it was much bigger than ever before. An amethyst tint was beginning to spread tenderly across your lower ankle. If it weren’t for the circumstances, the colour would have been pretty, though the lavender was all too familiar from all your clumsy trips, stumbles, tumbles, knocks and falls. Sometimes it felt as if the world was out to get you, all the sharp corners you had ran into had moved slightly to haunt your journey past them or your that your own shadow occasionally became real and stuck its foot out for you to trip absent-mindedly over it. The previous scarlett and violet had swirled to make a monotone magenta painted on your ankle.

Your eyebrows furrowed at the sound of Quackity yelling content farewells to his stream. His words being slightly fuzzy, your ears strained to listen and make out whether or not he was actually ending. Once more the guilt-ridden sensation swelled in your stomach, he was saying goodbye to his chat and you were the reason. If only the sound of your trip hadn’t resonated through the walls.

Soon enough the low taps of his feet flew back into your ears and you knew he was making his way back to you. You were currently still lying on the floor as you had been for around 10 minutes. With a miniature creek, the door swung open and your boyfriend stood, looking slightly taller in the weirdly small door frame. A tender smile curved into your lips, Quackity returning it to you. Without any words being said he took a few steps towards your body and held his hand ready to aid in pulling you up.

With a stable hand fixed to the delicate floor, you swivelled your tired legs around, bringing your ankles up and directing your weight onto them. Nearly tripping over yourself once more, Quackity quickly stepped forward, steadying your body with a teasing grin on his face. Standing up was a struggle, but you managed it with a slight wobble in the knees and his protective arm shielding you from your subsequent fall. You both walked softly over to the bed, and when there you let your body collapse against the warm blankets. Sure, you were being slightly over-dramatic, but Quackity didn’t seem to mind so neither did you.

For the first time, he looked at your injury, gasps left his mouth along with small mumbles of it being your worst fall yet. Not sure of what to do, you watched silently as he ran to get the first aid kit from the bathroom. When he had returned, he clumsily dropped the green box on the floor and watched as the contents all tumbled out onto the floor. Forgetting about the rest, Quackity just reached for the bandages and began to ‘expertly’, as he said, wrap the fabric around your swollen ankle, making small comments about how your ankle was buffer than him now.

For just a moment, he looked in your eyes and the small smile teasing his lips, you realised how much he really cared. Joy flushed through you as you grinned widely at Quackity. He had finished securing the bandage and was now tossing all the other supplies eloquently into the first aid tub. The smile hadn’t yet left your face as you held your arms out to him, quietly asking for a hug.

“Well I think I deserve it”

“Eh I guess you could pay me for literally saving your life through your cuddles. You could have died y/n” the teasing tone was back in his voice.

He laid down next to your letting you shuffle around and relax against him, before he began to pull you close. He welded you into a state of felicity and halcyon with his dulcet whispers. Soon the lassitude enveloped you and serene huffs left your lips.

[writefightandflightclub]

Right behind you:(Bodyguard!Santiago “Pope” Garcia x M!Celebrity!reader)

This is my offering for this week’s #writerwednesday from @autumnleaves1991-blog, which this week is joint with @flightlessangelwings’ Jey’s Pride celebration! 🥳

The verbal prompt was: glitter and/or “I’ll always be by your side.”

The visual prompt is the photo below.

This gave me the idea for a very quickly written one shot with bodyguard!Santi and male celebrity reader! I hope you like it!

Warnings: food mentions; mentions of panic attack / hyperventilating. Mentions of sensory overload. One mention of Santi “sucking off” reader. Language. TYPOS, undoubtedly.

Rating: mature for mentions of oral sex but no explicit / actual smut.

Gender stuff: he/him pronouns / masc! terms of endearment used for reader. Implied that reader is a penis owner - no other physical descriptions besides reader wearing a suit and some make-up.

Genre: angst then mainly fluff and happiness! Hurt / comfort, I guess.

ALSO: BONUS CAMEO FROM ANOTHER OSCAR CHARACTER. Did you spot him?

You perch on the couch in your suite, taking steadying breaths and trying desperately to ward off hyperventilation as your bodyguard grips your trembling hand firmly in his. The air is quaking in and out of your lungs and you can no longer help the tears which spike in your eyes and spill over on to your cheeks.

He gives your fingers a squeeze as he crouches before you, and you can’t help the surge of guilt that this is so far outside of his job description. He’s meant to protect you, not comfort you. His work centres on your physical well-being, but you can’t count the times he’s bolstered your emotional well-being too. Then again, this is the only time he’s done so quite as blatantly in front of the rest of your staff, perhaps.

“Oh no, don’t you dare cry, sweetie,” your make-up artist - who will not be getting rehired you decide suddenly- flaps around you, attempting to fuss over you with a tissue. Her panic about her work being ruined at the worst possible moment is plain as day, and it only makes your chest constrict further.

“This isn’t helping” is the only thought blaring loudly in your mind, but you cannot for the life of you push the words out right now. You shut your eyes in an attempt to block it all out. To subdue the sensory overload.

You are thankful that your bodyguard intuits that sentiment on your behalf when you can’t, and you hear his voice is coming from a different angle now, his head whipped sharply sideward and up towards the offending MUA.

“For real? Ffff....” you close your eyes and hear Santi bite down on a curse. You’d laugh if you weren’t so preoccupied, trying desperately to focus on his voice amidst the chaotic, intersecting hubbub of the room. “Ma’am, could you please back the shit up?” He bites. Apparently he can’t stifle the cursing entirely.

Your limp hand travels along with his as he waves his arm around emphatically. “In fact. Out. Everyone out. Now. Please.”

His request slices through the nervous air in the room, his words deep and commanding and delivered with an authority that you doubt anyone would dare question. This man must be obeyed, and in the back of your mind you congratulate yourself for your decision to take a chance on hiring this moody ex-soldier with creaky knees. When he needed to he could certainly clear a room. And on top of that, he offers you a whole lot more besides.

Indeed, here he is, going above and beyond, kneeling on said creaky knees for you. Protecting you, and comforting you too.

Your eyes are still closed as the room gradually quietens, until it is so still you could hear a pin drop. Until you can hear the steady rise and fall of Santi’s breath. Until you can hear the delicate wet noise of his lips parting so his tongue can skim his lips. You can hear him swallow.

As you hear the sound of the final remaining person shuffle out, and the door gently click closed behind them, you are finally able to peel open your eyes. You are able finally able to release your bottom lip from the grip of your teeth, an indent having formed where you have bitten down so hard you have threatened to draw blood.

Santi is as still as death as he waits, and as soon as he hears that final click, he is moving. Only then, does he allow his (thin) veneer of professionalism to collapse. He allows the flats of his palms to snake up your thighs, rubbing reassuring shapes into you, and you feel the familiar heat and press of of him through the luxe fabric of your suit trousers.

“Look at me, cariño,” he soothes, in a deep, fond tone, entirely different to those bitten off commands reserved for the rest of your entourage. “It’s just you and me now. Look at me, baby.”

You do. You look into his big brown eyes and you and he could be the only two people in the world, never mind the room. You sniff, and you fumble away a stray tear before settling your palms on top of his.

You slow your breathing and Santi flashes you a small, proud smile. “That’s it, honey. Nice and slow. Just like that.”

Then, he flinches, his head leaning to the side as though he could physically retreat from whatever angry voice is no doubt blaring into his ear. Then, he makes a point of taking the earpiece out altogether, letting it hang over the collar of his white shirt.

He tugs in a huge exhale too, letting go of the tension he held in his body through his concern for you, although his eyes slit flit around your face in residual concern.

“They’ll be mad you did that,” you warn, with a nod to his earpiece.

“Whatever. It’s not my job to get you to the red carpet on time. It’s my job to look after you.”

“Your job? Hmm? That all I am to you?”

He flashes you a lopsided smile as you tease him. “I’m a lucky man. My job happens to be a thing I love doing outside of work too.” You lift your palm to his face, the familiar texture of his stubble beneath your fingers. “Now, honey. No rush. But do you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

You look away from him then as you realise he won’t let you distract him enough to avoid the true issue at hand, but his hands are still languidly smoothing your thighs, and you know he won’t make you do anything you don’t want to before you’re ready. He might dole out some tough love, eventually, but not until he is sure that you can take it. He lets you fumble until you find the words. “It’s... even the thought of it, Santi. This is the biggest thing I’ve ever done. All those cameras. All those eyes on me, I...”

Santi shushes you, as he hears the resurgent panic creep into your voice, even as your fingertips idly trace over his handsome features, a self-soothing unconscious thing, as he continues to kneel before you.

But while you may be panicked, he’s smiling. Looking up at you earnestly. “You deserve all those eyes on you, hermoso.” You don’t mind at all that when his voice comes out now it’s both fond and a just a little dirty as his own, very attentive eyes sweep over you.

“I don’t know...” You nibble on your lip again.

“Baby. You deserve this night. You’ve worked so hard for this. You’re so talented. And holy shit. You look so fucking hot in this suit I can barely function.” You let out a small, tentative laugh, which Santi seems pleased by, his own eyes creasing at the corners in return. “Besides,” he continues, tone more earnest now, his thick brows raised as he hammers his point home. “I’ll be right there. Just a few steps behind you, okay, mi Principe?”

You take one more deep breath, expelling it slowly and steadily through the “o” of your mouth, and Santi can’t resist your pursed lips a moment longer. Yet, for all his comments about how hot you are, his kiss is not as devouring as you might expect. It is a soft, tender thing, barely skimming your lips, and yet even so it appears to inspire a reverent heat in him, his eyelashes fanned on his cheek as his eyes remain closed a moment longer. As he expels a gust of disbelieving air at how you make him feel from this alone.

“Or,” he proposes, his voice breathy. “We could sack this whole thing off? We could order chilli cheese fries to the room and I can suck you off until you can’t think straight?”

You kiss him again, this time giving him just a hint of tongue, even as you laugh musically into his open, increasingly eager mouth.

“Appealing as that sounds, my love, I probably shouldn’t miss this...” you nod your head towards the door “...lil thing.”

“Yeah. Probably.” Santi concedes with a fond, lopsided smile, his eyes flashing with adoration, until he reluctantly schools himself back to something resembling professionalism. He gives you a few moments to gather yourself, and for his... eagerness to subside, before asking “You ready?”.

You nod. “Ready as I’m gonna get.”

“There he is. That’s my man.” Santi gives your thighs one more squeeze before he stands, and you swear you hear his poor knees creak; and then, he is replacing his ear piece, his face becoming all business as he presses two fingers to his ear. “Kolpakov? We’re ready to move out. Everyone in position?”

He awaits the response before turning back to you, practically gasping as he sees you stood there in all your glory for the first time. His eyes sweep up and down the length of you. He shakes his head incredulously, switching his mic off for a moment more. “Fuck me. You look like a fucking dream.”

“Not so bad yourself,” you respond in a loving, flirtatious tone, dancing your fingertips across his chest as you sweep past him towards the doorway and he turns with you as if in your thrall.

As you prepare, taking another deep breath and gripping the handle, Santi reaches for your arm, delaying you for just another moment. “Santi,” you laugh. “We can do the chilli cheese fries later, I promise.”

But that’s not quite what he has in mind. He looks at you intensely, and he cups your face in his broad palm. “Don’t forget. You deserve those eyes on you. But if you get overwhelmed, know that my eyes are on you. Wherever you go, I’ll be right behind you.”

The sentiment and sincerity with which he says this makes your mouth fall open in shock. Makes your chest constrict with happiness rather than nerves - but you aren’t afforded the opportunity to respond. In the next moments, the door is flung open, and your entourage is flooding you, barking directions and whisking you down the staircase and out on to the red carpet.

You are pulled away from Santi, and you don’t get to be near him again, besides a quick, surreptitious whisper into the shell of your ear as he follows you out the door “we need to talk about your ass in these pants because holy shit” - but that is all you can steal.

True to his word though, wherever you go he is right behind you. He is there with a firm arm to form a protective wall should a photographer come too close, or a fan get too handsy over a barrier. He is standing, stern and formidable to your rear as you provide sound bites to the tv stations forming a line up to the venue (and, trying very hard not to ogle your ass in these pants, probably).

He’s right behind you, designed to fade into the background in every sense. For all his charisma, he’s good at it. Not drawing attention. Even his suit is designed to be non-descript.

But... that’s not where he should be, you realise.

And, when you are almost at the end of the carpet, you stop in your tracks. You hesitate, and you turn around, your gaze instantly finding him in the crowd. He looks concerned, alarmed, as though you may have gotten the jitters again and like you might be about to do a runner.

But that’s not it. That’s not it at all.

In fact, you are more calm and sure than you have been all evening, looking at his befuddled, deer in headlights expression as all the attention suddenly falls on him. He has some big talk and a tough exterior, but the centre of him is soft, and you love that about him.

And so, a cautious smile blooms on your face as you settle firmly on your plan of action, and you walk determinedly in the “wrong” direction, going against the stream of attendees and making a beeline for your love, as he, for once -your man of action- stands frozen in confusion.

Then, when you arrive at him you stop, placing both your hands flat on the lapels of his suit, smoothing them down.

“What are you-?” he begins to ask, but you cut him off.

“Santi, my love. This is ridiculous. I don’t want you behind me. I want you by my side. Where you should be. So, fuck it. Will you do me the honour of accompanying me to this premiere?”

He answers with a smile. With sparkling eyes. With his arms flung around your waist. With the press of his curved lips against yours, and a slip of his supple tongue. “Baby. I’ll always be by your side.” His hands slip a little lower. “Or - you know - sometimes right behind you.” He winks at you. God, you adore this idiot.

So, you wrap your arms around him, guffawing fondly into his neck before kissing him again, more deeply, not caring who’s watching. Your face splits with a beaming smile as you break from the embrace and link your arm into his, proceeding to walk up the carpet again: together this time.

“Fuck me though, honey,” Santi leans over to confide in you as he straightens up his tie, as if suddenly noticing the photographers for the first time now that they are noticing him. “You could have warned me you were going to french me on the red carpet, I would have put on a better suit.”

You laugh warmly as he continues to babble, and you reassure him that he looks perfect.

You know he’s doing his best to mask it, but he’s the nervous one now - you can tell. “Don’t worry, handsome,” you reassure. “Just you and me, remember?”

No-one else in the world.

“Jesus. How do you do this?” he asks, balking at all of the camera flashes going off in his face, his voice choked.

Luckily, Kolpakov - his second in command- figures out what’s happening and takes the cue to intervene, shifting the line back just a little to give the two of you some space. A good job too as you see beads of sweat forming on your love’s brow.

“How do I do this?” you ponder. “Well, I always have you to protect me, right?” You squeeze his arm tenderly. “And I’ll protect you now, my darling.”

This- having him by your side? You have no doubt that this feels right. It is where he has been all along, albeit only in the shadows. In private moments. But tonight, as he encouraged you into the spotlight, you realised how little you cared for hiding. You need him with you.

“Jesus,” Santi chuckles, looking around and trying to take everything in. “The boys are gonna have a fucking field day with this one. I didn’t even tell them we were dating.”

“What the hell, Garcia?!” you chide fondly, mouth open in a shocked “o”, before beginning to chatter and banter away with him as you easily fall into step together. Distracting him from his nerves like he always does for you.

With Santi by your side, you no longer care about all of the other eyes on you. All of the camera flashes. The crowds. Those watching at home.

You’re proud of your achievements. You’re proud of your relationship. And besides, the only eyes on you which you pay any heed to are his. Santiago’s gorgeous brown eyes, which, right now, shine with nothing but pride.

Yours shine right back.

You think he is the one who deserves all eyes on him, tonight.

[cosmicjoke]

No Regrets: Chapter by Chapter Analysis:

1. Preface to my analysis

Okay, so, since I’ve reached the end of every published volume of SnK so far, and have to wait until October to read the last volume, I thought I’d re-read “No Regrets” and delve into some analyzation of this story, chapter by chapter.

One thing I want to start out by saying, before I get into the details, is that I think “No Regrets” is a vital demonstration of how Levi has always cared about people, and always fought for them.

One misrepresentation I sometimes see regarding Levi’s and Erwin’s relationship is when people claim that Erwin was the one to teach Levi to fight for something bigger than himself, or to fight for others.  The thing is, “No Regrets” clearly demonstrates that Levi already had a strong foundation of caring for others, and fighting for others, before Erwin himself ever had any major influence over him, and I plan on getting into all the examples of that within the story and breaking them down.

First, though, there’s an important quote from Isayama from the joint interview he did with the artist for “No Regrets”, Hikaru Sugura, in which he says about Levi, in response to the question of how he pictured Levi’s internal feelings of going from a “thug” to a “soldier”, “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.  Underground, where it was all he could do to stay alive, he had to live for that, but then he started to form relationships and began to feel that he could do things for others.  And that’s why he first went above ground...”

This is a hugely important quote from Isayama, because he flat out says that, even before Levi came to the surface, he’d already formed bonds with people, and already began to feel like there was something bigger than himself that he could fight for, that he could “do for others”.  Isayama also says here that Underground, “It was all he could do to stay alive”, which signifies with great clarity the struggle someone would have, even someone with Levi’s great strength, of surviving and making it from one day to the next in a place like the Underground.  So, for Levi, it must have already been a terrible burden, simply trying to take care of himself, and live for himself.  But then he meets Furlan and Isabel, and he becomes friends with them, and despite the doubtless added burden to his own existence of having two other people relying so heavily on him for their own survival, he takes that burden onto himself, and does so with willingness and responsibility.  Isayama says that “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.”.  Erwin didn’t instill in Levi a sense of responsibility for others, or the idea of fighting for someone other than himself.  Levi already had that, had already DONE that.  What Erwin did for Levi was show him the path towards maximizing the impact he could have, showing him how he could use his abilities to help the MOST number of people, not just a few people.  Erwin showed Levi that he could have a significant impact on the world, that he could fight for actual, positive change for all people.  Another important part of that quote from Isayama is when he says “And that’s why he first went above ground...”, because it tells us what Levi’s initial drive and intention for going to the surface was, and that was to help give Isabel and Furlan a better life.  He trusted in Furlan’s plans, and went along with them, because it was what Furlan and Isabel had both expressed to Levi that they wanted to do and to have.  Even here, Levi is fighting for the dreams of others.  

I’ve recently read the visual novel of “No Regrets”, and while it had some good parts, it also very much underdeveloped and even at times outright misinterpreted Levi’s character in some really key ways, casting him as someone so hell bent on getting revenge on Erwin, that he is blinded to the safety of Isabel and Furlan, pressing on with his plans to kill Erwin at their expense.  The worst part about this, I thought, was how it reduced the pivotal moment in which Levi chooses to go after Erwin and leave Furlan and Isabel behind to an impulsive, snap decision, in which Levi puts no thought or real consideration into it.  He doesn’t struggle at all in choosing how he does, doesn’t agonize over what he thinks is the right choice, because in that moment, there isn’t even the consideration of another option, he isn’t even making a choice, really, just reacting, which entirely defeats the purpose of Levi’s character motif throughout the main series, which is that he can never know for sure what decision is the right one until after he chooses, but that he has to try and make one he feels is right, and that no matter what, he can’t allow himself to dwell on it with regret afterwards.  This gets corrected in the manga big time, as do several other instances of Levi’s characterization, and I’m going to go over it in more detail when I get to that final chapter.  But the choice Levi makes in the manga is much, much more nuanced, considered, and multifaceted.  Here, he had laid out in his head two, distinct options, and he weighs and balances them against one another in a high pressure situation, before deciding on the one he thinks is best.  He doesn’t just leave his friends, thinking only of Erwin and revenge.  He’s thinking of ALL of them, and of every factor leading up to that point, and that struggle for Levi is what ends up having the affect of ultimately forming his later philosophy of never allowing himself certainty in anything, but also allowing himself leniency in whatever he chooses, knowing that he can’t be so hard on himself for the outcome, whatever it may be, that he isn’t able to move on from it, or use it to keep pushing forward and learn, so that he can do better next time.  It’s important that Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” is actually presented as one made with his full consciousness, one that was a fully thought out one on his part, which is why I really disliked the way it was portrayed in the visual novel, and why I’m glad they corrected it in the manga, which is the canonically accepted version of the story either way.  Because it’s a vital moment in Levi’s character development, with him learning that even when he tries his best to choose right, even when he considers every factor and every, conceivable outcome, even when he does what he thinks, in the moment, is best, it won’t always turn out that way, it won’t always turn out good, or favorably.  He won’t always win.  He won’t always be able to save everyone.  It’s a huge moment of character growth for Levi, who makes a well thought out and considered decision, and it still results in his two, best friends getting killed.  It teaches Levi that he can never have full control of any situation, no matter how hard he tries, and that, in turn, gives Levi a kind of freedom in simple acceptance.  It lifts a burden from his shoulders, even as he experiences enormous grief and loss.  

Anyway, I’m going to be reading the first chapter of “No Regrets” later tonight, and will give my more detailed observations in a separate post.  Thanks for reading, as always guys!

2. Chapter 1: The Wings of Freedom

Okay, so here we go!  Chapter 1 of “No Regrets”!  

There’s a few things I want to point out about this chapter, because both visually and textually, we get a lot of information about the Underground and Levi, and his relationship with Isabel and Furlan.  So I’ll just go through it.

The first thing that really caught my attention for this chapter was the opening page, which is a retrospective shot of Levi after he’s joined the SC, thinking about how he can’t ever know what the results of his choices are going to be.  He says here “I trusted in my own strength... I trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned my faith...”  And this quote from Levi is really important in later understanding why he makes the choice he does, at the end.  He says he trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned his faith, and that tells us that Levi believes in Furlan and Isabel, that he believes in their strength and their capability, that he believes in them enough to let them choose for themselves and trust in their judgement.  We’ll obviously delve more into this as it becomes more relevant to the story.  But moving on...

The next thing to catch my attention is the panels of the Underground we see.  These are probably the best shots of this place we get in the whole series, as it really depicts a place that is totally run down and dilapidated, with buildings falling apart and crumbling in disrepair, filth ridden streets with literal sewage water coming out of drain pipes, and a actual cave cover overhead, complete with stalactites, blocking out all sunlight except for few and far between pockets which break through holes in the rock ceiling.  The most telling panels though are the ones which depict the violence and poverty of the place.  We see a panel of a homeless man passed out on the street, painfully thin looking, and under him, two men in a fight, one beating the other violently.  And the next panel shows us a little girl, sitting barefoot on the ground between two men who have just blown each other’s brains out with guns.  Truly, this is a violent, dark, poverty-stricken place that breeds crime and depravation.  The pages before this say that BECAUSE of the splendor of the Capital city above the Underground, this place exists, and that’s accurate.  Because of the excesses and decadence of the rich and well off above these people rejected by society, that means fewer resources for the less fortunate.  It’s truly tragic.  

Alright, now I just want to move on to some small, but telling moments here while Levi and the others are being chased by Erwin and his crew.  

When Isabel is bragging about how the MP’s never learn, referring to how they’ll never be able to catch their gang, she asks Levi if what she said was cool.  Levi tells her “Don’t be stupid.”  This might seem like Levi just blowing her off, but the way I read it, it seems more to me like Levi is warning her not to be cocky, not to be over confident, because that’s the kind of thing that can get you killed, or caught.  Big Bro indeed!   We also see how mindful Levi is here as a leader, when he tells them they can’t afford to lead the soldiers following them straight to their hideout, and clearly they have a plan in place for just this sort of thing.

More importantly, Levi is fast to realize these aren’t ordinary soldiers after them, which shows his great instincts, but what’s really interesting is his internal thoughts here.  His logic is telling him regular MP’s wouldn’t work this hard to catch them, and that their skill with the ODM means they must be SC.  But Levi doesn’t really believe it which, given what we later find out about the deal with Lobov, and Lobov warning them of Erwin’s plans, tells us that Levi never really believed the SC would come after them.  He’s clearly surprised here.

Further, after informing Isabel and Furlan and confirming his suspicions, he tells Furlan that he’s got no intention of getting mixed up with “these guys”.  This tells us Levi never wanted to go through with Furlan’s plans, never wanted to join the SC, never wanted anything to do with any of it.  There’s further evidenced in this very chapter, which I’ll get to in a moment.  But it tells us a lot about the dubious feelings Levi had from the start, and how he probably would have simply been happiest to stay in the Underground with his friends, even though it was a hard life.  

Alright, so, this next part is a big deal, and it’s an overlooked detail which speaks volumes about the kind of person Levi is.  I didn’t even notice this the first time I read it, so I want to talk about it.  Levi separates from Isabel and Furlan, and takes Erwin and Mike on a wild chase through the back alley’s and narrow passages of the slums.  He really tries to give them the run around here, until he flips over a door, into another area.  What’s really important here is Levi’s dialog.  He says first “... Lost ‘em, huh?”  And then he says, “That got a little crazy...  I hope... none of them crashed.”  This is kind of amazing.  Levi is showing actual concern for the two soldiers who’d just attempted to catch him and his friends, who were doggedly pursuing them with obviously bad intentions of some kind.  And Levi, after having to resort to some serious ODM skills to shake them, says he hopes that none of them crashed.  He doesn’t want Erwin or Mike to get hurt, he just wants to get away from them.  Considering he doesn’t know either of them at this point, they’re just nameless, faceless military dogs trying to mess things up for him, that shows remarkable character.  

Of course, things go downhill from there, when Mike crashes through the door and tackles him.  All bets are off then, because Levi’s life is now in danger, and when that happens, he’ll resort to physical force.  Still, he only throws Mike off of him and once again attempts to get away, only for it to be Erwin who swoops down and cuts Levi’s cables.  This was actually really dangerous.  Given Levi’s momentum and position, he crashes hard into a nearby wall before falling to the ground.  So we already see some of that ruthlessness from Erwin here.  Of course, that spurs Levi into violence himself.  I have no doubt that when Levi lunges for Erwin and knocks his blade away, bringing his knife to his neck, he truly intended to kill him in that moment.  Levi’s compassion for these soldiers can only go so far, considering the desperation of his own circumstances.  If Mike hadn’t been there to stop it, I think Levi probably would have ripped Erwin’s jugular right out, and that would have been that, lol.  And then, it’s important to note too WHY Levi stops.  Not because Mike was able to physically restrain him, but because he tells Levi to look around himself, directing his attention to the fact that Furlan and Isabel have been caught.  That immediately stays Levi’s hand, and once again, we’re shown how Levi puts the wellbeing of his friends above himself.  He could have ditched Furlan and Isabel right then and there and escaped on his own.  Instead, he allows himself to be restrained and cuffed.  He refuses to abandon them.

Now the next scene is hugely important to a lot of stuff.

Erwin’s got Levi and his friends down on their knees, in the sewage, questioning them about their ODM skills, and the three of them stay silent, obviously defiant.  We really get a good look at Erwin’s abilities as a manipulator here.

He’s pulling the whole good cop/bad cop routine on Levi, when he tells him “I’d like to avoid any rough treatment if I can” before looking to Mike in a clear signal for Mike to pretty damn violently tear Levi’s head back by his hair before smashing his face into the sewage on the ground.  And this really IS sewage.  It’s not mud.  If you look at the panels, we see this brown muck coming out of drain pips attached to the surrounding buildings.  This water is probably, literally, dirty with feces, and Erwin has Mike put Levi’s face in this and hold it there.  Now let’s remember something important about Levi.  He’s a clean freak.  He obviously cares deeply about keeping both himself and his environment clean.  Erwin couldn’t know this about him at the time, but nobody of course would be happy about having their face shoved into literal shit.  But for Levi, I can only imagine this had to be tantamount to a kind of torture.  Erwin keeps questioning him, looking down at him without any kind of emotion, and Levi remains stubbornly silent, despite how awful this must truly be for him.  We get a close up of Levi’s eye in one of the panels, paralleled with Erwin’s own, and Levi’s expression really strikes me as one of awful humiliation.  He goes from looking up at Erwin in rage, to looking away, staring straight ahead, while Erwin keeps looking down at him.

Still, Levi says nothing, and it’s Isabel who finally cracks, telling Erwin that they didn’t learn to use ODM from anyone, with Furlan further explaining that they taught themselves as a means of survival.  He remarks that “anyone who doesn’t know what sewage tastes like couldn’t understand!”.  Clearly, both of them are really upset to see this being done to Levi, and I have to imagine it’s at least in part because they know how awful an experience this has to be for him, given that they know how much he desires to stay clean.  Their shocked expressions when Mike first pushes Levi’s face into the sewage says as much too.

But still, Levi remains silent as Erwin then demands to know Levi’s name.  What Mike does to Levi in the next panel is even worse.  He pushes his face into the sewage and holds him there until Levi literally starts to choke in it, for long enough that, when he finally does pull him up, Levi is gasping for breath.  I really don’t see people talk enough about this scene, but, well...

It’s a torture scene.  Erwin is ordering Mike to torture Levi here.  It may not be the most extreme form of torture, it isn’t the type of physical violence we typically think of when we think of torture, but that’s what it is.  It’s causing Levi both physical and mental degradation, as well as physical distress.  

Even with this though, Levi’s still silent and refuses to answer Erwin at all.  

It’s only when Erwin literally threatens the lives of Furlan and Isabel that he finally talks.  This is such an important detail.  Levi was willing to take what to him must have been truly horrific treatment, but as soon as Erwin gives the signal to the other two Scouts who have hold of his friends, we see Levi’s expression shift from defiant rage to wide eyed fear as they put their blades to Furlan’s and Isabel’s throats.  

Finally Levi talks, calling Erwin a “bastard”, to which Erwin simply asks him again what his name is, and after a slight hesitation, Levi finally gives it.  

I think this entire scene is vital in understanding WHY Levi was so violently pissed at Erwin, to the point of wanting to kill him.

I think it’s a combination of both the humiliation and torture he puts Levi through here, and, worse still, the fact that he threatens Isabel and Furlan’s lives.  Levi already feels looked down upon by Erwin here, he already feels humiliated and embarrassed and as though he’s being treated like he’s worthless, because Erwin IS treating him like that here.  All while Erwin stands there, expressionless, making statements like he doesn’t want to have to use any rough treatment, etc... while at the same time ordering Mike to do just that.  Already, Erwin is sending Levi the message that he’s a liar and a manipulator who thinks nothing of putting another human being’s face in shit.  And then, to top that off, he shows Levi that he’s willing to hurt, maybe even kill, his two friends to get what he wants.

Is it any wonder Levi hated Erwin as much as he did at the beginning?  After a lifetime in the Underground where, from the time of his birth, he had to deal with him and those he cares about being treated like worthless trash.  It would be a miracle if Levi DIDN’T want to kill Erwin at this point.  To have to then submit to him willingly, after all of that, must have been beyond humiliating for him.

Erwin continues to be manipulative here too, when after Levi gives his name, Erwin’s attitude suddenly shifts, and he smiles at Levi and gets down on one knee with him, in the filth, his entire demeanor seeming to shift into an abruptly friendly one as he offers his deal to Levi.  Again, that whole good cop/bad cop thing.  At the same time, he continues to threaten Levi by telling him if he refuses his offer, he’ll hand them all over to the MP’s and that, given their crimes, they shouldn’t expect to be treated with any kind of decency.  What’s kind of funny about this statement from Erwin is that up until now, Erwin and Mike have done anything but treat Levi decently.

Okay, one more important point to make about this chapter, and it goes back to what I said earlier about Levi not wanting anything to do with the SC, and how that tells us Levi really didn’t want to go through with Furlan’s plans.

After Erwin makes his offer, we see Levi look over at Furlan, who’s giving him an intent look, and in the next panel, we see an almost surprised, or astonished look on Levi’s face, like he can’t believe Furlan is asking him to do this, before he grits his teeth in obvious frustration, and then accepts Erwin’s offer to join the SC.  What this tells us is that Levi only takes Erwin’s offer because Furlan wanted him to.  Because this was all part of Furlan’s plan, to go through with Lobov’s commission, to get caught by the SC, etc...  It’s clear Levi never wanted this, and he’s upset at having to do it.  But the fact he agrees after looking over at Furlan and seeing him implore Levi with his eyes tells us, once again, that Levi is willing to sacrifice his own desires for the desires of others.  That being his two friends.

For them, he’ll join the Survey Corps, even as every one of his instincts is probably screaming at him that this is a bad idea.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the first chapter of “No Regrets”.  There’s a lot more to unpack in this manga than I think people realize.  I hope whoever took the time to read my long ass post found it at least a little worth while.  I’ll be moving on to chapter two next!

3. Chapter 2: One Arrow

Alright, so onto chapter 2 of “No Regrets”.  

I want to talk a little about these opening panels, when Levi, Furlan and Isabel are being driven to HQ by carriage.  They seem unimportant, but I think they’re actually really important in understanding Levi’s psychology going into this new situation they’re all in.

We see the interior of the carriage, with Levi and the other two, along with an escort from the SC.  Furlan and Isabel are both looking out the window of the carriage, and in particular, Isabel seems incredibly excited and in awe of the passing view.  She’s stood up, with her face pressed to the window.  And in the next panel, we see her looking at a little girl with her mother, dressed nicely and holding a doll.  This really encapsulates everything Isabel herself has probably never had.  A reliable mother to take care of her, fancy clothes and toys to play with.  Essentially, an actual childhood.  We see Isabel’s face in the window, and her mouth is open in wonder, her eyes wide.  Like she can’t believe what she’s seeing.  It emphasizes the depravation and lack of privilege she’s endured all her life.  Meanwhile, by contrast, Levi sits there with his head bowed down, ignoring the passing scenery, looking deeply unhappy, even depressed.  When he does look up though, he sees Isabel looking out the window, and on the close up shot of him, he’s got an almost thoughtful expression, if still extremely dour.  No doubt, Levi is feeling uneasy and uncertain about the situation they’ve all gotten themselves into here, but I’m also sure that he’s unable to ignore the bubbling over excitement of Isabel, her obvious joy in being, at last, on the surface.  I’ll get more into this later in the post, when we see Levi really considering his friends and their dreams, and how it influences and dictates his own decisions.

But first lets talk a little about Erwin and his role in all of this.

Now at the time this series came out, Erwin’s actual, motivating reasons for doing what he does weren’t yet known, so it’s interesting to read into his actions in this story with that context.  I have no doubt that Erwin really DOES care about humanity, and wants to fight for it, and its salvation.  But as we come to learn from the main series, he places his own dream of proving his father right about the existence of human’s beyond the walls above what’s best for humanity, and it puts his actions in this story into an interesting, if harsher light.

No doubt, Erwin is a master manipulator.  He plays both sides expertly against the middle in this story, and I’ll get more into it by the end, when his actual plan is revealed to Levi.  But what I don’t see often discussed is how, exactly, Erwin got all the parts moving in the direction he wanted, to obtain a specific outcome, and how he pretty ruthlessly uses so many people as pawns to do so.  It’s obvious from the context of what we later learn in the story that Erwin first spread a rumor about having evidence against Lovof stealing funds in order to force him into tipping his hand by trying to make a preemptive move.  What I see people miss all the time, or at least, fail to discuss, is how Erwin also, at the same time, made it public knowledge within the Capital, that he would be going after a group of thugs in the Underground who had shown exceptional skill using ODM gear, and that he would be making contact with them as soon as possible to try and enlist them into military service, and how Erwin made these plans public specifically to encourage Lobov into seeking out Levi and his friends for the exact purpose of both implicating Lobov in a crime, and gaining Levi’s and his friends strength for the SC.  One, by hiring a group of criminals to steal from Erwin and attempt to assassinate him, so he could use that as leverage in case he wasn’t able to obtain proof of Lobov’s further criminal activities, thus having two means of getting rid of one of the SC’s biggest threats, and at the same time, also manage to score for the SC the exceptional skill of Levi and his friends through forced enlistment.  He even says to Zackely at one point “I intend to make use of anyone who has even the smallest potential during this expedition.”.  Erwin manipulated and had control of this entire scenario from the start, and from behind these scenes moved all of these people exactly how he wanted to, to achieve his goals.  That’s pretty impressive, but also pretty scary.  Well, I’ll talk more about all of that when we get to it later on.

Back to Levi and his friends though.

We see them arrive at the SC HQ, and a really important conversation happens between Levi and Furlan.  

Furlan seems like he’s almost bitten off more than he can chew here, beginning to express his concern to Levi about what joining the SC actually means, before Levi cuts him off, telling him he’s got no intention of enlisting, and that he only agreed to come along so that he could get closer to Erwin and then kill him.  I think Levi genuinely felt murderous towards Erwin at this point, and really means what he says here, at least about killing him.  Though given the end of chapter 1, with the significant look shared between Levi and Furlan, and Levi’s begrudging acceptance of Erwin’s offer, it’s obvious that Levi also agreed to come because that’s what Furlan wanted him to do, to give them the opportunity they needed.  Levi’s just feeling incredibly emotional here, I think, with the way Erwin treated all of them hot on his mind.  Furlan tries to implore Levi to forget about killing Erwin, that it isn’t necessary anymore because of his own plan, and the almost certainty that Lobov and his people won’t ever try to make contact with them again.  He tells Levi, if he just listens to him and follows his plan, “I know it’ll work.  Trust me, Levi.”  Furlan asking him to trust him pulls a meaningful look from Levi, seeming to break through Levi’s angry insistence on killing Erwin.  This is where the manga improved on Levi’s characterization and motivation by leaps and bounds over the visual novel, because in the next few panels, we see Levi walking away, with Furlan calling after him, concerned, but we get to see Levi’s inner thoughts, and he’s remembering specifically Furlan insisting to him that “one day, we’ll get outta this trash heap and live up above.”  We see Levi thinking about Furlan’s hopes and dreams in these panels, and he has a saddened, and guilt-ridden look on his face, like he feels bad about having dismissed Furlan’s plans back there in favor of his own plans for revenge.  We didn’t get any of this in the visual novel, instead the text there making Levi look like he refused to consider anyones position but his own in this whole situation.  But here, Levi is clearly concerned with and considering Furlan’s desires.  

We go into a flashback then, with Furlan explaining to Levi his plans, telling him that “nothing’s gone according to plan... But with you here we’ll really be able to raise hell.”  Furlan’s trying to explain to Levi that since he now has Levi’s strength to rely on, they can actually get something done once they get into the Survey Corps.  It almost seems like Furlan’s been planning on trying something like this, or at least, had some sort of loose plan about getting to the surface, even before he met Levi.  It’s obviously something he’s been dreaming about for a long time.

Then Isabel comes back, and she’s been roughed up and assaulted, and we learn from Furlan asking her if she went to see those “low-life scumbags again?” that this has obviously happened to her before, that she’s been associating with some bad people and it’s gotten her hurt.  She denies it and lies about having just tripped, but clearly neither Levi or Furlan are buying that.  Levi asks Isabel what happened to her hair, and Isabel reacts badly, running away and hiding in her room.  We get a close up of Levi holding a knife in his hands, foreshadowing his own intentions.  Later that night, Furlan hears Isabel crying in her room, and her chanting to herself over and over that she’s going to “kill you”, presumably meaning the men that hurt her earlier.  Furlan stands there lamenting that he thinks both Levi and Isabel are going “mad”, and that all they can think about is dragging everyone else down to where they are.  He’s obviously terrified that he’s going to lose both his friends to the savagery and ruthlessness of the Underground, that both of them are going to end up becoming lost to their own anger and pain.  He starts to say “That’s why I...” before Levi suddenly comes back in, holding a bloody knife, clearly having returned from exacting revenge on the men who hurt Isabel.  Furlan asks Levi “Did you kill them...?”, and Levi doesn’t answer, but we see a completely resigned, even sad look on his face.  This of course is the world Levi comes from.  It’s the world he was raised in.  A world of kill or be killed.  Levi must have figured, if he didn’t go out and kill those men that had hurt Isabel now, then someday, they would end up going too far with her, and kill her instead.  But Furlan clearly doesn’t understand, and doesn’t relate to that kind of mindset, despite coming from the Underground too.  Of course, Furlan wasn’t raised by Kenny the Ripper either.  This is how Levi was taught to deal with his problems, and Furlan can only see him spiraling into an abyss from which he fears Levi won’t return.

We cut back to the present then, and Levi is sitting up on the roof of the SC HQ, again remembering Furlan’s words about “This is our chance.  Trust me.”.  Getting to the surface and finding better lives for themselves is Furlan’s dream.  The fact that Levi keeps remembering it, keeps remembering Furlan insisting and pushing the idea of the possibility of living on the surface, shows that this is probably something he would talk about all the time with Levi, trying to get him to agree to it, to believe in it.  Once again, Levi is contemplating the hopes and dreams of his friends.  We get another close up of him holding a knife, and it represents, I think, his struggle between his desire for revenge against Erwin, and his desire to help Furlan realize what, to Levi, is probably an unrealistic goal.

We then get Furlan and Isabel joining Levi, commenting on how beautiful the night sky is, and asking Levi how he could keep it to himself.  Levi snips testily at Furlan that him and Isabel are so loud, that he’d be too irritated to get any killing done, and then Furlan looking clearly unsettled by the remark.  But it’s obvious, given the context of the previous panels of Levi’s thinking about Furlan’s dream, that Levi is just being peevish and saying things out of frustration and confusion.  He doesn’t really mean what he says here.  He’s taking his frustration out on Furlan by saying what he knows will upset him the most.  What this also tells us is that Levi is very much aware of how bothered Furlan is by Levi’s willingness to kill.  He isn’t at all oblivious to it, and given his resigned, saddened expression after coming back from killing the men who assaulted Isabel, I would say Levi even understands Furlan’s dismay.  That’s a glimpse at Levi’s famous compassion.

The next panels show the three of them bonding, sitting together and admiring the night sky.  Isabel asks Levi if the stars are as pretty as where he used to live.  I’m just going to chalk the mistake in continuity here up to this manga coming out before, I believe, Levi’s backstory of being born in a brothel in the Underground was established by Isayama.  Regardless of this mistake, this is an important moment between the three of them.  You can see the awe and wonder they all feel, looking up and seeing the sky fully for what has to be the first time in all their lives.  Remember, all three of them have lived literally underground their entire lives, with little to no sunlight, stagnant, stale air, hideously unclean living conditions, etc...  It must be overwhelming to them , just to see nature in all its splendor like that.  It’s after sharing this moment together that Levi tells Furlan that he’s decided he won’t kill Erwin for now.  He looks at him and says “I’m going to trust you.”.  And Furlan smiles at him, clearly happy and relieved.  This scene is really important, because we’re seeing Levi choose Furlan’s dream over his own desire for revenge.  We see Levi place Furlan’s desires over his own, which is totally in line with how Levi is in the main AoT storyline.  He decides his revenge can wait, that it’s not as important as helping Furlan achieve his goals.  What’s particularly remarkable about this, I think, is that it doesn’t appear that Levi ever dreamed of going to the surface himself, and likely that he never even considered it a possibility.  So just like Levi fights, later on, for a world without fear and violence, for humanity’s salvation, even as all his life experiences tell him it likely isn’t possible, we see the Levi doing the same here, deciding to fight for his friend’s dream, even as to him, it seems unrealistic.  It’s obviously a pivotal moment too, when Levi tells him he’s going to trust him, because this ties in hugely with the theme which applies so much to Levi throughout the whole series, of never knowing if it’s better to rely on himself solely, to trust himself, or to trust and rely on his friends and their capabilities.  Levi chooses, here, to trust in his friends, and that will obviously have it’s own ramifications down the line.  Again, this is an area in which the manga improves radically over the visual novel, which had no instances whatsoever of Levi struggling with the question of the choices we make, which is absurd, since it’s one of the driving factors behind who Levi is, and how he ultimately came to see the world as he does.  It was precisely this struggle between choices, between trying to choose correctly, giving so much thought and effort to our choices, and still sometimes coming out wrong, that shaped Levi into being able to accept his lack of control and instead of regretting it, using it to keep fighting.  

4. Chapter 3: ... Of Revolution

Okay, so on to chapter 3 of “No Regrets”!

I’ve got a few observations, so I’ll just delve in.

First thing, and once again, I found this a huge improvement over the visual novel, but we get more insight here into the reason Erwin was so intent on recruiting Levi.  During the scene in which he’s arguing with the other squad leaders about letting a group of “criminals” into their organization, Erwin pushes back against the other scouts deriding Levi and his friends.  I really loved Erwin’s line here, where he says “You’re right.  These people had no training.  They did not earn wings from us.  They grew their own, out of necessity.”  This shows us that Erwin has a grasp and an appreciation for the hardship Levi and his friends faced while growing up, while most of the other SC leaders and even regular recruits can only look down on them and see them as gutter trash.  This shows Erwin’s own scope of vision, his ability to look past a person’s upbringing and background and not make judgments about them based on that.  More telling still is his comment about how “those wings will play a part in revolutionizing this organization.”.  He wanted Levi’s skills in particular because he knew having someone like Levi around, with exceptional ability, would shift the way they all fight Titans.  He was, as always, looking for ways to increase the effectiveness of the SC, and was willing to do whatever he could, and through any means necessary, to ensure it.  

The next thing that caught my attention is the glare Levi and Erwin share during the trio’s introduction to the rest of the soldiers.  Erwin’s right in front of Levi, standing there, reminding him of his anger and humiliation no doubt, and I think that leads directly into and impacts the next scene, when Flagon shows them their sleeping arrangements.  Levi’s already no doubt irritated by having to see Erwin again, and then Flagon makes his frankly deeply disparaging remark about Levi and his friends having spent their whole lives living in a trash heap, implying that they’re filthy gutter trash, and so surely are incapable of keeping themselves and their environment clean.  Levi, understandably, reacts badly to this, and gets in Flagon’s face, asking him what he just said, before Furlan intervenes.  When you consider the way Erwin already made Levi feel so humiliated and Levi’s subsequent anger at it, then having to see Erwin again not long before this scene, and hearing Flagon just callously make an accusation like that must have only infuriated Levi more.  I think, once again, the manga is doing an infinitely better job of portraying the tension, then, that’s starting to form between Levi and Furlan.  Furlan scolds Levi after Flagon leaves, almost talking down to him when he says “Didn’t I tell you not to cause trouble?!”.  Almost like he’s talking to some misbehaving little kid.  Levi’s expression in the following panel says a lot, I think.  Levi looks almost chastised, like he knows he’s upset Furlan, before he tries to explain himself, asking Furlan “Didn’t you hear how he talked about us?  Like shit calling shit dirty.”.  It’s really interesting what this says about the power dynamic in their relationship.  Levi is ostensibly the leader of their group, but Furlan’s acting, in a lot of ways, like he’s the one in charge and he expects Levi to fall in line.  Clearly, he’s not afraid of scolding Levi, or challenging him.  All of Furlan’s insistence that they lay low and not do anything to draw attention to themselves must only be chaffing though at Levi’s already heated feelings about the kind of treatment they’re receiving, how they’re being talked down to, etc...  It must be galling to him, to see Furlan not seeming to care that they’re all being so deeply disrespected.  But he still continues to defer to Furlan, and agree to go along with his plan for now, though he makes his displeasure known by calling it a pain in the ass.

But seeing Erwin, and then being treated the way they were by Flagon, seems to have rekindled Levi’s desire to take his revenge, and he reminds Furlan that he’ll continue to go along with his plan, but that he’s still going to kill Erwin.  Once again, we see Levi being pulled in two different directions.  He’s giving priority to Furlan’s plans and wishes, but he’s still thinking about getting Erwin back.  He’s annoyed that they weren’t assigned to Erwin’s squad, probably because it means it’s going to limit their contact, giving him less opportunities to kill him.  Another line that I think signifies Lev’s annoyance at Furlan and how, well, dismissive he is of Levi’s own feelings, is after he tells them they have to clean the area around their beds before leaving for training, and in response to Isabel’s protests, he says “You wouldn’t want me to cause trouble, would you?”.  He’s throwing Furlan’s words back in his face here, and it seems clear to me that Levi is frustrated and doesn’t appreciate the way Furlan’s been talking to him, or how little consideration for his own wishes he’s shown.  There’s a lot of tension there.

Another really important scene is the one in the training yard, so I’ll got through it here.

Particularly when Isabel is talking to the Scout helping her with horse riding, and they get to talking about life in the Underground, and then Levi.  What Isabel says, and the visual of the panel here, is particularly powerful.  She says “It got so I thought I was gonna die.  But life’s a little better since Levi saved me from that.”.  And we see in the panel Levi lifting Isabels’ head up, obviously checking if she’s alive.  There’s all these people, collapsed around her, and the fact that Levi is checking to see if she’s alive is interesting, because it makes me think this is something Levi would regularly do.  That he would check to see if anyone was alive when he came across people collapsed in the streets.  It’s probably not unusual to come across dead bodies in the Underground, and for someone like Levi, who’s lived there all his life, he’s no doubt seen plenty.  The fact he checks Isabel shows a lack of callousness towards the sight, which is incredible, to not become uncaring or apathetic towards suffering, even when you’re surrounded by it your whole life.  It’s a highly unusual quality to have, but of course, it makes perfect sense for Levi, who’s so full of compassion.  

Nevertheless, it would have been simpler for him to just keep moving and ignore her, but instead he stopped, and when he discovered she was still alive, he took her in and gave her food and shelter and a home.  She would have died otherwise.  Levi had no obligation towards her, he had no, really good reason to do something so selfless, and yet, he did.  And this truly is remarkable, especially when you consider the kind of cut throat world Levi grew up in, the kind of ruthless people he’d encountered, and even lived with, like Kenny, all his life.

Then there’s Furlan’s discussion with another soldier, and his story about Levi.  The most interesting thing Furlan says here is how, after his own friends turned on him, he’s followed Levi ever since.  And then he says “Though it might be problematic making him any kind of leader!”.  It’s interesting what this reveals to us about Levi.  People want to follow him because he’s so strong, but Levi himself has no desire for power, or control over others.  People willingly attach themselves to him, because they think Levi can protect them, but Levi isn’t any kind of natural leader.  So we know Levi was more or less forced into the role of leader by way of others seeking him out and assigning him that role.  What’s interesting about this is how it, once again, reveals the kind of person Levi is.  He could easily have rejected all of these people and abandoned them.  One thing we know is that Levi didn’t need any help surviving on his own in the Underground.  But instead Levi allows them to stay with him and willingly offers his help and protection, and though it’s probably more of a pain and a nuisance to him than anything else.  It shows that Levi’s never been able to turn away from those seeking his help.

Which leads nicely into the next scene.  

I’ve talked about this scene before, and how disappointed I was that they didn’t include it in the OVA.  This also wasn’t included in the visual novel, which is, once more, just another way in which the manga is superior.  

Flagon is once again criticizing Levi for holding his blades “wrong”, telling him he’s going to end up getting killed outside the walls.  And then the training exercise begins, and we see one of the other soldiers trying to compete with Levi, and growing increasingly incensed and annoyed at Levi’s prowess.  He thinks “These vagrants with no knowledge as soldiers...” and then “I trained half to death, and these criminals think they’re better?!”.  What’s interesting is to see that while this soldier is fuming internally over Levi’s perceived slight of him, glaring at him angrily, Levi clearly hasn’t even taken notice of him.  This isn’t a competition to Levi at all.  He’s just there to do the exercises.  He’s staring straight ahead, blank faced as always.  

Now what happens next is once more hugely revealing as to Levi’s character.  The infuriated soldier decides he’s not going to accept that Levi’s better than him, and so he intentionally pushes off of a tree and cuts Levi off mid-flight. What struck me about this is how incredibly dangerous it was.  Levi’s going, presumably, full speed, through this obstacle course, and this dude, out of petty jealousy, cuts him off by flying right in front of and past him, forcing Levi to pull back and change direction.  A stunt like this could have easily resulted in serious injury for Levi, or even death, if he weren’t as gifted as he is.  To top it off, this soldier then brags about it, calling out to Levi “Don’t get left behind!”.  Of course, his arrogance leads to immediate disaster, as the soldier that went through the course before lost one of their blades in the dummy Titan, and this dude’s flying towards it at top speed, with no way to stop himself or change direction in time.  He’s about to be impaled by a blade.  Considering the danger he’s just placed Levi in, then, it truly is a testament to Levi’s goodness, that he launches off the tree he’s stopped on, racing ahead and slicing the stray blade free before the other soldier can make contact, resulting in him harmlessly crashing into the pad, instead of dying.  This really shows how Levi’s first instinct is always to help others.  Even when others have just not only treated him badly, but even endangered his life.  He doesn’t owe this soldier anything, and by all rights should be extremely pissed at him for his petty display before.  But instead Levi just automatically reacts to his life being threatened by saving the man.  He doesn’t even scold him afterward or express anger, just flies off and continues the course.  

What makes this whole thing kind of sad is both the soldier’s and Flagon’s reaction to this.  The soldier is still angry and upset over Levi’s superior ability, wondering how he can be so fast, not even sparring a thought of appreciation for him just saving his life.  And then Flagon grudgingly admits to Levi’s fighting prowess, but continues to doubt him and his ability to stay disciplined.  Even after saving one of his own men’s lives, he still continues to look down on Levi.  That’s pretty messed up. Levi glares back at him after, as if to say “Who’s the one who’s going to get people killed out there?”.  Levi saved a soldiers life, while Flagon could only sit and watch.  It’s interesting too how this, tragically, foreshadows what’s to come though, with Levi not being able to save the people he cares the most about.  But we’ll get into that when we get there.

Also, just gotta mention also the way Levi reacts to Isabel’s getting upset after he bonks her in the head and calls her stupid.  He looks surprised when she starts crying, and it’s clear he didn’t mean to actually hurt her feelings, and it’s just really sweet, the way he rubs her head after.  He obviously felt bad.

5. Chapter 4: Proof

Alright, just a few things to say about chapter 4 of “No Regrets”.  

One thing that I love that was in the manga that, once again, wasn’t in the visual novel, was Levi’s reaction as they ride out from Shinganshina, as well as Furlan’s and Isabel’s.  This kind of internal exploration of these characters who had never been to the surface, who had spent their whole lives in darkness, getting to see the sky for the first time, was something that was entirely absent from the visual novel, and it’s one of its biggest weaknesses.  But here, we see Levi looking up at the stone structure of the wall gate, and for a moment, he imagines the ceiling of the Underground, before they emerge out into the open and the full view of the sky appears for the first time.  Levi squints up at the glaring sun, and we see an expression of genuine awe and amazement on his face, as well as Furlan and Isabel.  This is the first time any of them have experienced anything like this, and the overwhelming beauty of it for them is wonderfully visualized here.  The way Levi goes from seeing the claustrophobia and imprisonment of the Underground, and how that opens up into a clear, blue, ending sky, really symbolizes him experiencing for the first time in his life a kind of freedom he’s never before had.  And there’s something incredibly moving, but also incredibly tragic about that.

Now another point I want to address, where the manga and anime both differ from the visual novel, in a really vital way, is how here, we see Furlan lamenting that they’ve left the walls, saying “This is terrible.  I never meant to leave the walls.  If we’d followed the plan, we would have grabbed them and snuck away by now!”.  This shows that they’ve been looking for the documents in vain for several months now, and still have yet to find them.  Furlan’s plan had obviously originally been to find them and then get out of dodge, but because they weren’t able, they ended up having to wait around longer, until the time came for the expedition.  Now how this is presented in the visual novel really struck me as horrifically out of character for Levi.  In the novel, it’s explained that the reason they haven’t left is because Levi kept insisting that he had to kill Erwin, refusing to leave until he could do so, and if not for that, Furlan would have forgotten about the documents and simply had them all desert the SC, back to the Underground.   Levi intentionally ignoring the safety of his friends for revenge on Erwin really goes against everything we know about him from canon, and was a pretty glaring detail, so I’m glad they nixed that here.  There’s no mention of Levi forcing them to stay because of his need for revenge, but rather an implication that none of them were willing to leave until they got the documents.  They took this a step further in the OVA even, with that one scene in which Levi argues with Furlan and Isabel, insisting that if it comes to them having to leave the walls, he’s going to go alone, and he wants them to stay behind.  This really is an important distinction to make in Levi’s characterization.  We know he always places the safety of his comrades above all else, if he can, and tries his best to keep them alive.  And the whole reason he agreed to Furlan’s plan in the first place was because he wanted to help Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream of living up above come true.  He would never purposefully endanger their lives, or so thoughtlessly dismiss their safety.  This is something which gets further corrected later in the story, too, when Levi makes his fateful choice, and I’ll get more into it there as well.  One detail though is how Levi tells Furlan not to worry, that he’ll “do something about the Titans.”.  Levi clearly believes in his own strength, and believes it will be enough to protect his friends at this point, which goes back to the theme of him struggling to know which is better to rely on, oneself, or ones comrades.  Here, he’s relying on himself to protect them.  He asks Furlan “Don’t you trust me?”.  He’s reminding Furlan that he’s never let him down before, and he promises he won’t now either.  

We see Furlan later finding that full trust again, when Levi engages with the abnormal titan, and sees his fearlessness, giving him his own strength to fight.  It speaks volumes about the kind of camaraderie shared between all three of them, that they’re able to work so smoothly and effectively together the first time any of them have ever fought a Titan, and how deeply Furlan and Isabel trust Levi to get them through any dangerous situation, as they willingly follow him into battle.

6. Chapter 5: Hearts

Alright, onto chapter 5 of “No Regrets” and then I’ll do the last three chapters tomorrow.

The first thing I took note of was how after everyone gets to the castle ruins, Levi reminds Furlan and Isabel that they’re still outside the walls, and that anything could happen, so they should “stay sharp.”.  Once again we see Levi being concerned with the safety of his friends, remind them not to put their guards down.  This leads into the next scene, where Furlan remarks that he never thought they’d be able to stop a titan so easily, and reaffirms his faith in Levi’s strength by saying as long as Levi’s with them, they’ll survive somehow.  Levi responds to this with some self-doubt, which is really interesting and will tie into some other observations I’ve made about this chapter, later on.  He says if there’s more than one of those abnormal titans, he’s not so sure they’ll be alright.  Clearly, he’s concerned for the wellbeing of his friends while they’re on the outside like this.  He doesn’t feel totally confident.

He then asks Furlan if he’s sure Erwin’s brought the documents with him outside the Walls, which tells us that they’ve obviously had previous discussions about this, that it was a group decision between them, of the necessity of leaving the walls in order to get close enough to Erwin to get the papers.  Furlan says he made sure, talking about how he searched Erwin’s office top to bottom, observing that he found a bunch of unrelated documents, and in particular, a locked drawer which he found suspicious.  Now what I find interesting here is Furlan’s internal thoughts, because I think he realized Erwin’s intentions already, but he dismissed his suspicions based on them seeming unlikely to him.  But in his memory, he thinks, when he sees the locked drawer, that it’s almost like it was made to be searched, and upon opening it, he finds plenty of secret looking documents, but not the ones they need. He then wonders if Erwin is trying to tell him that they’re not there.  What’s so interesting about this is just how deep is shows Erwin’s manipulation of this situation actually goes, and how many steps ahead he actually is. We saw in chapter 3 how Erwin was standing at his office window, observing Furlan, which tells us that he was always aware that Furlan was going to try and find the documents, which in turn lead to Erwin arranging his office to nudge Furlan in the right direction, of thinking the documents aren’t anywhere at HQ.  Furlan picks up on this possibility, that Erwin is in fact manipulating them, wondering to himself if Erwin WANTS him to think he has the papers on him, giving him the “run around”, but he dismisses the thought out of hand a moment later.  What this tells me is just how in control Erwin is here, and it made me think that it’s possible Erwin influenced Furlan’s thinking in this direction, to assuming Erwin had the papers with him, as a means of keeping him, Levi and Isabel there in the military longer, delaying their escape, so that he could intentionally force them outside the walls on an expedition, so he could see what they were actually capable of.  At the end of chapter 4, after seeing Levi take down that abnormal titan, he observes to himself, “So your wings are the real thing, after all, Levi.”.  This is just speculation on my part, but given what a masterful manipulator Erwin really is, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was his plan the whole time, knowing Levi and his friends wouldn’t and couldn’t leave until they had the documents.

Alright, next observation. It’s kind of funny how, after laying out his plan to search Erwin’s bags with Isabel, and asking Levi to guard the passageway Erwin went down with Shadis, and to stop him if he started to come back before they were finished, Levi’s first assumption is that he should start a fight with Erwin, lol.

More interesting is when Furlan says to Levi “Don’t kill him, even by accident.  After all, if we lose an officer outside the walls, we’ll be in trouble, too.”.  Because it tells us that they weren’t ever planning on killing Erwin outside of the walls when they went out on expedition.  The goal was to try and find the documents, and hoping going beyond the walls would yield an opportunity to do so.  This is another, vital change from the visual novel.  In that, Levi is still obsessing over killing Erwin, over any consideration for the original plan, ranting even that he’s going to make Erwin get down on his knees and beg for his life before killing him, and that just struck me as wildly out of character for him.  They wisely took out that entire piece of dialog here, and instead we lead into a scene of Levi guarding the passageway, and remembering the whole reason for why he agreed to come to the surface in the first place. We go into a flashback of Lovof’s messenger making contact with Levi and the others, propositioning them with Lovof’s commission.  What’s really important in this scene is Levi’s initial reaction to the proposal. He’s immediately skeptical and disbelieving, and doesn’t want anything to do with it.  He tells the messenger so, and tells him “Go back up there and I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything.”.  Levi shows great instincts here, sensing the danger present for him and his friends, and outright rejects any association.  It’s Furlan, then, who steps in and shows interest in the deal, calling the messenger back.  Levi’s clearly confused, but yields to Furlan’s look, and Furlan proceeds to tell the messenger that they’ll have to think about it, but that they’re interested. Levi’s clearly not happy about this, and once the messenger leaves, he begins to protest, but Furlan cuts him off and starts to lay out his plan to tail the messenger to find out who his employer is.  Isabel expresses disbelief that Furlan actually means to go through with this plan, and Furlan again brings up the dream of making it out of the Underground, talking about how rare a chance it is, to actually live in the Capital, obviously trying to entice both Levi and Isabel with the notion.  Levi points out that even if they get the documents, it’ll just lead to them being Lovof’s next targets, and Furlan responds with his plan to blackmail Lovof instead.  Levi’s still dubious on this idea, asking Furlan if he really thinks “those pigs will care about a threat from the Underground?”, and Furlan responds that it’s worth a shot.  He then implores Levi and Isabel again, saying “Come on, you two, don’t you want to make it up there?”, and we cut back to Levi in the present, contemplating Furlan’s words.  Again, we see Levi thinking long and hard on Furlan’s dreams here, over any thoughts he has of Erwin or revenge.  He’s prioritizing Furlan’s wishes over his own still, thoughts occupied by what his friend wants.

Now, this leads into a really interesting and meaningful encounter with Erwin.

Well, the first thing I notice in the exchange is when Erwin calls Levi’s friends his “subordinates”, and Levi responds with “They’re not my subordinates…”.  This tells us so much about how he views himself in relation to Furlan and Isabel.  He doesn’t see himself as their leader.  He doesn’t want to control them.  He just sees himself as their friend, and protector.

Now the conversation between Levi and Erwin gets really interesting when Erwin starts talking about having seen Levi take down the abnormal titan from earlier, and he observes that with a natural like Levi around, the others must feel safer.  Levi looks at Erwin with wide eyes, before responding to him that the reason he was able to figure out how to fight that titan before was because he watched how it moved as it ate another soldier.  I think Levi’s feelings of guilt here are pretty obvious.  He feels bad for having watched another soldier die, and using his observations while watching to figure out how to kill the titan.  It’s like he’s arguing with Erwin here, telling him the others shouldn’t feel safer with him around, that they shouldn’t rely on him.  Levi is showing doubt in himself here, again, just like earlier when he pushed back again Furlan’s claims that as long as he’s with them, they’ll be safe.  Interestingly, it’s Erwin who essentially tells Levi here that he shouldn’t feel guilty, that the SC is built on those types of sacrifices, and that as long as they’re fighting to take back the world for humanity, none of the soldiers there would feel regret for dedicating themselves to such a cause.   I think this is actually the start of the turning point in how Levi views Erwin.  He looks at him here with an almost astonished expression, like he’s seeing Erwin in a sudden, new light.  Like he’s starting to doubt his own, initial impressions of him, and wonder if maybe he wasn’t totally right.  But before he can think on it further, Isabel shows up and calls him away.

Levi then learns that Furlan and Isabel weren’t able to find the documents, essentially confirming that if they’re anywhere, they have to be on Erwin’s person, which leads to the inevitability of having to kill him if they want to get their hands on the papers. Levi’s find with this, because it’s what he wants to do anyway, even as Furlan shows continued apprehension.

And then we get the scene with Hange.

It’s pretty funny that Levi was about to gut Hange, for real, when he thought she had overheard their conversation.  It tells us how far he’s willing to go though to protect his friends.

Still, this whole scene is actually pretty moving, in its way.  Because Hange is really the first person to express genuine gratitude towards Levi and his friends, and treat them as genuine equals, to which we see Isabel in particular respond after seemingly being unimpressed.   Even Levi seems stunned, muttering out “thanks”, like he doesn’t know what else to say as Hange heaps praise on them.  It’s also funny how Furlan has to remind Levi to “be nice.”.  Poor Levi just doesn’t know how to socialize.

But the important part of this scene is when Hange points out how everyone there is wanting to know how Levi was able to take down a titan so easily, drawing their attention, and Levi’s in particular, to the other soldiers watching them.  Hange affirms what Erwin had said to Levi earlier, about how his presence there made the others feel safer, when she says “You’ve given them hope that humans don’t have to lose to the titans if we fight correctly.”. And we see here, I think, the first seeds being planted in Levi’s mind that he might be able to do more, that he might be able to actually help these people.  He’s been told as much twice in quick succession.  I think this is where Levi starts to get the idea for the first time that he might have found somewhere where he belongs.  We’ll get more into this next chapter, when I talk about his conversation with Isabel.  But for now, after Hange asks him again if he has any advice, he tells them he just has his own way of doing things, and he can’t teach it to anybody.  When she tries to insist, he blows her off and looks away.  

Furlan asks Levi, after Hange leaves, what the big deal is in just showing them some simple trick, and Levi says he doesn’t want to be responsible for the loves of anyone other than you two.  This is really important, because it again tells us a lot about Levi’s psychology here. He doesn’t want to teach these people how to fight because he doesn’t want to be responsible for them getting hurt or killed.  Just as he expressed discomfort earlier with what Erwin said, and his own sense of guilt over how he figured out how to fight the titan, Levi really seems to me like he’s afraid here of failing to protect others, and actually harbors deep doubts about his own ability to do so.  So even as we know people tend to flock around Levi and follow him in the belief he can protect them, Levi himself is afraid that he isn’t strong enough to help them the way they want him to.  It’s indicative of someone who’s experienced deep loss in their life, which we know Levi has at this point.  Someone who’s afraid of making attachments because he doesn’t want to have to experience the pain of that loss ever again.  And it shows a painful insecurity in Levi.  He wants to help people, but he doesn’t want to end up failing them, or doing something which could lead to them getting hurt or killed.  He doesn’t want to be responsible for their lives, because he’s afraid he can’t be.  

Furlan tells him not to be so dramatic, and Levi doesn’t say anything in return, but we see a resigned, saddened look on his face, like he knows Furlan wouldn’t understand if he tried to explain how he feels.

Then we get Isabel’s comment about not understanding trying to take back the world for humanity, but her starting to realize the Scouts genuinely believe in what they’re doing. We see Levi’s silence again in response, but this one is more contemplative.  He himself is starting to realize the same as Isabel.  That these people really believe in what they’re saying.  And again we go back to the first seeds of a sense of belonging starting to develop in Levi, even before his big moment with Erwin at the end.  He’s starting to sense that maybe he’s found a place where he belongs, where he can actually use his abilities in a way that could make an actual difference in the world. It’s subconscious at this point, but Levi is starting to get that sense I think.

7. Chapter 6: Living Creatures

Okay, onto chapter 6 of “No Regrets”!

So the first thing I want to jump into here is, once again, something which the manga vastly improved on over the visual novel, and that was the scene following the flashback to Levi and his friends learning about the long-distance scouting formation before the expedition, and then Flagon’s instructions to them in the present.  I don’t think this scene was even included in the visual novel, but it’s indispensable in understanding Levi’s mindset going into the fateful final act.

Isabel gets carried away by Flagon’s speech, and ends up saluting, expressing genuine enthusiasm for the SC’s cause, before realizing what she’s done and turning around, seeing Levi and Furlan looking back at her in silence.  Furlan looks unimpressed, while Levi wears his usual stoic expression. You can’t tell one way or the other what he’s thinking, which is why the next scene is so hugely important, because we get a look into his inner thoughts.

I saw another person say not long ago that in this scene, Isabel expresses a desire to join the SC, and Levi blows her off and ignores her, only thinking about his revenge on Erwin, and to that person, I would like to ask ‘What scene were you reading?’, because that’s pretty much the opposite of what happens here.  This scene reveals so much about Levi’s own, inner conflict, and how he’s beginning HIMSELF to understand and even sympathize with the cause of the SC, and the soldiers who have dedicated themselves to it.  Let’s dissect it here a bit.

The scene takes place at night, before they ride out again, and Levi is sitting up with Furlan and Isabel, and he’s thinking quietly to himself.  The first thing he’s recalling in his contemplation here is Sairam’s words, asking Levi if he knows how many elite soldiers have been eaten by Titans. This plainly shows Levi’s growing concern for Furlan and Isabel.  The longer they spend outside the walls, the higher the risk of something going wrong, and that’s a worry that’s heavy on Levi’s mind here.

He then remembers, in quick succession, all these various interactions and the words of different people throughout his short time up here on the surface.  He recalls Sairam hurling insults at him and his friends, calling them punks, and then Hange’s opposite words of encouragement and appreciation, telling them they’ve given everyone hope.  He recalls Furlan’s words, telling Levi that with him there, they’ll really be able to raise hell, and then Isabel’s words, pointing out that the SC soldiers really believe their cause is worth dying for.  Finally, Levi recalls Flagon’s degrading words, about how Levi and his friends have spent their whole lives in a trash heap, implying they’ll never amount to anything more than garbage, and last, he recalls Erwin’s words, how he’d seen the desire to kill in Levi during their first encounter.  

All of this is hugely important to understanding Levi’s psychology, I think, and understanding his feelings of conflict and confusion, and how it ultimately plays into him making the choice he does.  For Sairam’s and Flagon’s words, it’s the assumption people have made about Levi all his life, that he’s nothing but a worthless criminal who can’t do anything good for anyone, and Levi’s struggle to overcome that perception that people have of him.  In contrast to that, Hange’s words are sending Levi the opposite message, that he isn’t just a worthless criminal, but someone who can actually contribute something positive and important to other people’s lives.  He’s someone who can inspire hope.  Something Levi’s always secretly wished he could do.  And then there’s Furlan’s words, serving as a confirmation to Hange’s, in which he expresses his reliance on Levi to help make his own dreams come true, and Levi seeing himself in that role, of taking care of these two people whom he loves.  And there’s Isabel’s words, a clear admiration and astonishment at the realization that these soldiers really believe in a cause bigger than themselves.

We see all of Levi’s greater hopes, his desire and wish to help other people, coming into conflict here with the way he’s been treated all his life by others, as a worthless, good for nothing criminal, and how that treatment has forced him to become the very thing they accuse him of being, someone ready and willing to kill, someone ready to commit crimes, etc…  It’s Levi’s pride and anger battling with his deeper desire to protect and help others. The thing his life and his environment has FORCED him to become, against his truer nature.  This is such a vital, important scene, and once again, the manga succeeds in explaining and revealing Levi’s complexity as a character, whereas the visual novel just flat out butchered it.

Now getting back to Levi’s interaction with Isabel in this scene, and the woeful misinterpretation I saw another person make one time.  

Furlan is talking about how, given the complexity of the formation, they won’t be able to break ranks without being spotted, and he suggests they should just wait until they’re back behind the walls before trying to steal the documents again. Levi points out that if all three of them leave, then yeah, they’ll likely be spotted, and gives no further opinion.  Already, Levi is thinking that maybe he could go after Erwin and the documents alone, thinking of taking the entire burden of the operation on himself, carrying the hopes and dreams of all of them on his shoulders alone, (which is why he later calls himself conceited and proud, having relied on his own strength entirely, instead of his friends too, ending in failure, which in turn goes back to the very beginning, with Levi’s statement about never knowing what the better option is, to rely on oneself, or on their comrades).  But anyway, he doesn’t protest or try to counter Furlan when he says they should just focus on getting back alive.  Isabel expresses agreement, and then says she knows the documents are important, but she also doesn’t want to get in the way of the SC and what they’re trying to do.  Now here’s where the conversation gets really important in, once more, understanding Levi’s psychology.

He and Furlan look over at her, and while Levi stays silent, Furlan gets annoyed, chastising Isabel for seeming to suddenly care about the other soldiers, accusing her of only caring because Hange’s cookies were good.  Furlan clearly doesn’t understand Isabel’s sentiments here, he doesn’t get why she suddenly seems concerned.  He’s still focused on their own goals, and that’s all that matters to him.  But Isabel begins to explain that it’s just that she’s starting to understand why the SC goes out beyond the walls, and likens it to how they felt living in the Underground, wanting to escape to the world above.  She’s saying she understands that sense of being trapped, of being imprisoned, and the longing for freedom.  And then she talks about seeing lots of her friends dying underground, while dreaming of making it “up there.”, and how seeing that made her feel like she HAD to get up there.  It’s like Isabel is saying here that her dream to make it to the surface was strengthened by the dreams of others who never got to realize it for themselves, and that she wanted to make it to the surface, more than anything, as a way of giving the dreams of those who had died without realizing them, meaning.  By making it to the surface FOR THEM.  She starts to try and explain what she means, saying ‘It’s…” before Levi suddenly speaks for the first time since her monologue, saying “It’s like leaving the walls behind to kill the Titans…”

This is such a huge moment. Because contrary to what I saw this one person claim once, Levi is acknowledging Isabel’s feelings, and expressing empathy with them.  He’s telling Isabel here that he understands what she means, because he feels it too. This desire to fight for freedom as a way to give meaning to the suffering of those who couldn’t escape their imprisonment.  Levi, rather than ignoring or blowing Isabel off here, is relating to her.  Her feelings are his own.  Isabel smiles dreamily and says “Yeah.” Because Levi put her thoughts into words.  She then keeps talking to Levi, starting to ramble about what she wants to do when they get to live in the Capital, how fun she thinks it would be to steal from all the “rich pigs” and use their money to buy useless junk, before she falls asleep.

Furlan then kind of bursts this bubble of reverie that Isabel and Levi have fallen into, and what he says here is, again, so important.  He says “I’ve got to revise our plan.  We’ll need to steal the documents before you and she start seriously talking about dedicating your hearts, or whatever.”  Furlan’s perceived how Levi’s own feelings are beginning to match up with Isabel’s, how he’s starting to feel drawn to and sympathetic towards the SC’s cause, and he’s worried, because that’s not what they’re supposed to be there for.  They’re supposed to be there to steal the documents so they can get a chance to live in the Capital.  This is Furlan’s dream, ultimately, and he doesn’t want to lose sight of it to some unrealistic ideal.  What’s so interesting here is the contrast between Levi and Furlan.  While Levi is so quiet and reserved and hard to read, he’s actually showing himself to be more of the dreamer of the two, while Furlan is much more practical and less prone to fanciful, ideal notions like helping people beyond their own means.  

We get one last shot of Levi gazing at Isable, thoughtfully.  He’s still thinking about her words.

Alright, then comes the next big scene, with all of them outside again, to try Erwin’s new formation.  We see, again, Levi’s gradually shifting opinion of Erwin already, when he remarks that Erwin’s idea is “brilliant”, once he sees how it works, expressing genuine admiration for it and Erwin’s mind.  Levi still hates Erwin, and want to kill him, but we already see this desire in him starting to crack and come apart, replaced by an almost astonished curiosity instead.  Like he isn’t sure what Erwin is, but he’s impressed, in spite of himself.  

Then the storm comes and everything starts to fall apart.

Another, massive and vital change here in the manga from the visual novel is Levi’s reaction to the sudden storm.  In the visual novel, Levi’s first and only response to it is that he can use it as cover to go after and kill Erwin, sparing no thought to the safety of his friends, or the other people in his squad.  It was another instance in which I thought Levi’s characterization in the novel was just horribly butchered, and so once again, I was so glad to see them correct it here.  Levi’s first response, after he, Furlan and Isabel start to lose contact with Flagon and the others, is to scream at his friends to not get separated.  He's only worried about them in this moment, and wants to make sure they don’t lose contact with each other.  He isn’t thinking at all about leaving them here yet.  Just this small addition completely changes Levi’s motivations and priorities, leading into the fateful choice, and it’s immeasurably better characterization for him then what was presented in the visual novel.  I’ll get more into it with the next chapter. So until then, thanks again for reading.

8. Chapter 7: Those Three

Okay, onto chapter 7 of “No Regrets”, and there’s really no need for me to say that this is by far the most heartbreaking chapter.  I think, perhaps, the most tragic part of it all is that Levi made the choice that he did because he was actually trying to protect everyone.  Now I’m going to break his choice down and get into the details of that, so let’s just dive right in.

First off, I want to talk a little about, once more, the pivotal contrasts between the way Levi’s choice is presented here in the manga, and how it was presented in the visual novel, and why, like everything the manga’s done so far, it’s an immeasurable improvement in the manga.

Basically, the way Levi’s choice in the visual novel plays out doesn’t in any way relate to his later philosophy which serves as the driving force behind Levi’s character in the main SnK series, while the way his choice plays out in the manga relates to it completely.  

In the visual novel, it isn’t even really a choice at all.  There isn’t any consideration or struggle for Levi to choose one way or the other.  Levi acts purely on impulse, and as I stated in my analysis for chapter 6, he reacts to the sudden storm by wanting to use it as cover so he can go and kill Erwin. That’s it.  That’s his sole motivation for leaving his friends behind. He puts no thought into it, he doesn’t consider the ramifications, he doesn’t seemingly care about anything at all except killing Erwin, and to hell with the consequences.  Again, this is so wildly out of character for Levi, that I could hardly believe it while I was reading it.  To make matters worse, when Furlan tries arguing with him and tries to convince him to stay, the writing directly contradicts its earlier statement that Levi didn’t consider Furlan and Isabel to be his subordinates by having him snap back at Furlan that he’s (meaning Levi) the one who decides, almost rubbing his higher rank in their social interactions in Furlan’s face, before just riding off without another thought.  It’s just awful characterization.  And, as I said, completely severs any relation of Levi’s actions here to the philosophy he later develops and adheres to so strongly in the main series, indeed, the philosophy that he lives by and which governs his actions, the philosophy that serves as his character motif.  It turns it into a decision made purely through emotion, a purely selfish and thoughtless act taken, and indeed, the only lesson Levi would be able to take from that sort of impulsive decision making would be that he should put more thought into his actions in the future, because if he does that, then this sort of thing won’t happen again.

But that’s not the lesson Levi learns, and that’s not the foundation of his philosophy.

Levi’s entire philosophy revolves around him understanding and accepting that he can never know the outcome of any given choice he makes until after the fact, no matter how much effort and thought he puts into trying to make the right one, and finding a kind of freedom in relinquishing that control.  It is absolutely vital, then, in order for Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” to mean anything, and for it to in any way relate to the philosophy which governs him later, for it to have been a well thought out and deeply considered choice, and that’s exactly what it’s presented as in the manga.

Now I want to break his choice down here panel by panel to get into why.

First of all, the first key difference between the manga and visual novel, is here in the manga, Furlan is the one who first points out that the situation for them is bad, because in this weather, it’s likely Erwin will get eaten by a Titan, and if that happens, they won’t be able to get the papers they’ve been after this whole time.  Levi isn’t shown even THINKING about any of that up to this point.  He’s only shown concern for Furlan and Isabel, wanting to make sure they stay together, and sticking himself by their sides.  Furlan goes on to say here that in order to take the papers, they’re going to have to head to the center of the formation.  Furlan’s the one who brings the entire subject of Erwin and the documents up here, not Levi, and this is a huge and important difference.  

They hear Flagon fire the sound grenade, and realize he and Sairam aren’t far off.  Furlan says they might be able to join them somehow, but then he hesitates, and says “but… Levi.”

Furlan is looking to Levi here and asking him to make a decision for their group.  Do they go off together and try to get to Erwin before he gets eaten by a Titan and they lose their final opportunity to get the documents they need, or do they go and join Flagon.  Furlan puts the responsibility onto Levi’s shoulders here.

Now here’s where things get really complex, and we see how truly nuanced, considered, and thought out Levi’s choice really was, and ultimately, then, why it turning out to be the wrong choice is so deeply tragic.

Furlan and Isabel both are looking at Levi, waiting for him to choose, and we get to see Levi’s internal thoughts.

The first thing he thinks in this situation is to weigh the worth of the lives of his squad and his friends against his own, and this is so exactly like Levi, and once more shows infinitely better characterization of him than what was done in the visual novel. Levi thinks here “If the three of us go, the team we leave behind will be shorthanded.”  This is literally Levi showing private concern for the lives of Flagon and Sairam, knowing that if he takes Isabel and Furlan with him, those two’s chances of survival out in this weather diminish drastically.  He then thinks “If I go alone, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to find them again.” He’s considering his own chances of survival here, if he strikes out on his own.  He knows that if he does, his own chances of getting killed increase. So here we see Levi struggling with whether to prioritize the lives of his squad, or himself.  Ultimately, he decides to prioritize the lives of his squad. And I’ll get more into that in a moment.

But Levi continues to struggle.  He tells himself “Which is it?  Pick one.”, as the storm worsens around him.  He’s agonizing over it.  And then he closes his eyes, and he thinks of Isabel, remembers her saluting Flagon from the night before, and the understanding for the SC’s cause that she expressed, and how he himself understood it, and her sympathy, even her empathy with how they felt, saying she didn’t want to get in their way, meaning she didn’t want to compromise their mission.  Levi himself has been developing an attachment to these soldiers, and an admiration and understanding of their dedication, seeing how like his own desire to fight for and protect the lives of others it is.  To leave Flagon and Sairam to their fate and unprotected, then, would be both a betrayal to Isabel’s feelings and wishes, and his own. Levi doesn’t want to be the cause of Flagon’s and Saiyam’s deaths by taking Isabel and Furlan with him and leaving them by themselves.  Also, in remembering the way Isabel saluted Flagon and her enthusiasm for the SC’s dedication, Levi must also have realized, if he took Isabel with him to steal from and kill Erwin, it would destroy any future chance she might have of ever joining the SC again, if that was something she wanted.  To take her with him would implicate her in his crimes and rob her of that possible future.

Levi then thinks of Furlan and Isabel in the Underground, looking at him, and Furlan explaining to him his plans, his hopes and dreams of using this new found opportunity to make it to the world above and make for themselves better lives.  He’s remembering Furlan, and Furlan’s reliance on him to make that dream come true.  Remember how Furlan told Levi “With you here, we’ll really be able to raise hell.”. His plan always hinged on having Levi’s strength and ability in order to succeed.  Levi knows, then, if he chooses to not go after Erwin then and there, and get the documents from him, Furlan’s dreams will be dashed, and Levi will have failed to help make them come true.  And Levi has gone along with Furlan’s plans up to this point, against his own, better judgment, specifically because he wanted to help realize Furlan’s dream, to make it a reality.  To abandon it now, after all of that, must have seemed unacceptable to Levi.

And then Levi remembers Erwin, standing over him in the Underground, superior and smug, callous and uncaring for how he’s disrupted and threatened the lives of Levi and his friends. He remembers his anger at Erwin, his feeling of humiliation and rage.

And it’s this memory, finally, after all the others, after considering the lives of Flagon and Sairam, after considering Isabel’s wishes, and Furlan’s dream, that tips the scale for Levi in deciding that he has to go alone after Erwin.  It’s the weight of all those factors, the fear of letting Flagon and Sairam die, the fear of letting Furlan and Isabel down, on top of Levi’s own pain and anger, that decides it for him.  If he doesn’t go after Erwin alone, if he takes Furlan and Isabel with him, Flagon and Sairam will probably die, and both Furlan and Isabel will be implicated in the crime of theft and murder.  If he stays with Isabel and Furlan to join up with Flagon and Sairam, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s dreams likely go out the window.

This is no snap decision on Levi’s part.  It’s a deeply considered, thought out and in many ways selfless choice he makes.  And, again, that’s really what makes it so horribly tragic.  Levi was really TRYING to do the right thing here, was genuinely acting in a way he thought was for the best, for all parties involved.  He gave just as much, really MORE consideration to Furlan and Isabel and Flagon and Sairam than he did to himself.  It was the combined weight of the interests of all the other people involved that pushes Levi towards the choice he makes, and his desire for vengeance on Erwin is just the final straw which tips the scale in that direction, not the one and only deciding factor.  It is, from all angles of consideration, the best choice to make.  

So Levi tells them he’s going alone, and tells Furlan and Isabel to join up with Flagon.  He says he’ll get the documents, that’s the FIRST thing he’s going to do.  Not kill Erwin.  It’s the documents Levi is prioritizing here.  And since he’s going after Erwin to get the documents anyway, he’ll also, he says, be the one to kill him.  In Levi’s view, he’s being presented with a chance here to succeed in all their goals. In Levi’s view, this must be a win/win situation if he can find Erwin and do what needs to be done.

Furlan starts to protest, before Isabel cuts him off and says she’s going with Levi too, and Levi asks her, if she comes with him, who does she think is more likely to die, just him, or Flagon and Sairam.  He’s reminding her here of her desire to not get in the way of the SC soldiers, of her sympathy and empathy towards them, and is imploring her to realize that going with him will leave Flagon and Sairam vulnerable.  He’s telling Isabel that he can take care of himself, more than those two can.  He says, specifically, If the four of you stay together, it’ll raise their chances of survival.”.  He knows it’s dangerous to strike out on his own in this kind of weather, but he knows it increases his squad’s chances of survival if he does.  Levi makes the decision here to place the lives of Flagon and Sairam over his own, and to support Isabel’s own feelings in the process.

And then Furlan begins to protest again, telling Levi to keep his cool and think, trying to explain that if he just waits a little while, the fog might clear up.  He’s clearly afraid that if Levi goes out there on his own, he’ll get killed.

Levi asks Furlan then if he’s saying the Titans will wait until then, reminding Furlan that each moment they fail to act and go after Erwin, is another moment in which Erwin could get eaten, and risks Furlan’s dream being destroyed.

Furlan continues to protest, trying to impress on Levi how dangerous it is, to act alone, and Levi shouts back that he heard Furlan already, before insisting that he can do this by himself.  And then he screams at Furlan “Trust me!!”.  He’s putting the same request on Furlan that Furlan before put on Levi, asking for his trust, asking for his belief.  Furlan may be ready to give up on his dream for the sake of Levi’s safety, but Levi isn’t ready to give up on Furlan’s dream for the same.

They glare at each other, and then Furlan asks “Is that an order, Levi?”, and Levi’s reaction to that question speaks volumes.

He looks shocked at it, his expression one of clear surprise and confusion.

He then asks “An order…?” like he doesn’t understand why Furlan would even ask something like that, before saying “Why does it have to come to that?  I’m just… The two of you…”

This is in such sharp contrast to the way they had Levi acting in the visual novel and is, once more, infinitely superior.  

It shows so plainly that Levi doesn’t want to be considered Furlan’s and Isabel’s leader, he doesn’t want to be treated as their leader.  He only wants to be their friend, and for them to see him as their friend, and as someone they can depend and rely upon to always care about them and their dreams, as someone who will always fight for them and their dreams. He says “The two of you…” before trailing off, like he doesn’t know how to express any of that.  But that’s what Levi is trying to say, he just doesn’t know how, as usual.  He’s bad at expressing himself.  He’s trying to tell Furlan that he’s going after Erwin because he’s trying to still make their dreams come true, he’s trying to support them and protect them and ensure that this entire situation they’ve gotten themselves into isn’t in vain. Levi’s expression as he looks back at Furlan here is heartbreakingly earnest.  He looks open and vulnerable, as if imploring Furlan to understand.

And Furlan looks back, and finally realizes what Levi is trying to tell him.  And when he realizes it, he smiles, and laughs.  Because he realizes Levi is doing this for him, and for Isabel, and for Flagon and Sairam, even.  He realizes Levi truly means well here, and has made the choice he has after deep thought and consideration.  That this isn’t an impulsive or hotheaded choice, that he IS thinking clearly.  Levi is confused by his reaction, and Furlan keeps laughing along with Isabel, before telling Levi “Fine.  I’ll trust you.”, giving Levi the same regard Levi before showed him before, in agreeing to follow Furlan’s plan.  Furlan chooses to trust in Levi’s decision making, chooses to trust in Levi’s own plan now.  And then he tells Levi not to die, and Isabel tells him to make sure he comes back. They’re scared for him, but they’re choosing to trust him.

We get a significant panel then, as Furlan and Isabel fall back from him, and Levi looks back at them, as if still uncertain in his choice, despite all the thought he put into it. He’s still filled with self-doubt, even as Furlan had just moments before expressed belief in him.  Like he thinks there’s something he must be missing, even though he’s sure he thought out every possible scenario and reason for choosing as he did.

What’s important too, in understanding Levi’s choice, is that it never once occurs to him that Furlan and Isabel could die.  He thinks Flagon and Sairam potentially will, if they all leave them behind, and he thinks he himself might, if he strikes out on his own.  But he never thinks it a possibility that Furlan and Isabel could. He chooses then, in that moment, to also trust in the strength of his friends.  He shows absolute belief in Furlan’s and Isabel’s strength, to the point that he believes Flagon and Sairam need them, more than he does.  It isn’t even a thought Levi can entertain, that him choosing to leave will put Isabel and Furlan’s lives in danger.  With all the consideration he does, all the thought he puts into making the right choice, it simply isn’t conceivable to him, that his friends could die.  If he had thought that a possibility, if such a scenario had occurred to him, he never would have left.  He genuinely believed, if all four of them stuck together, they would be alright, even if he himself wasn’t.

A few others points of note in this chapter.

When Isabel and Furlan meet up with Flagon and Sairam again, and Sairam asks if Levi is dead, Isabel reacts violently, screaming “Of course he isn’t!!  Levi will come back.  Bet on it!”. This emphasizes, in a truly heartbreaking way, Isabel’s own faith in Levi, and her need to believe he’ll be alright. She insists that Levi will come back, and this builds off of Isabel’s continued refrain throughout the story of how Levi is “the strongest”, both below and above.  Levi is Isabel’s hero, and she clings to his perceived strength in this moment, needing to believe in it to comfort herself over his safety.

This runs parallel then to Levi coming upon the butchered squad from the first rank, and his horrified realization that there are at least four Titans that did this, and that they’re heading back the way Levi came from, meaning right for Isabel and Furlan and Flagon and Sairam.  He immediately turns around and tries in a frantic dash to make it back in time, thinking desperately to himself that there’s too many Titans, and they’ll be overwhelmed. And then he comes upon the sight of Sairam being eaten, and he cries out for Furlan and Isabel.  

Truly the most heartbreaking part about this entire scene is how Levi tries so desperately to make it to his friends in time, but how he just simply isn’t near enough too, and can only watch, then, as they die.  For Levi, who’s entire identity revolves around wanting to help others, to protect others, his own helplessness in this situation must be truly horrific for him. And especially, his own helplessness in watching the two people that mean the most in the world to him get eaten alive.

Another truly heartbreaking moment here is how Isabel decides, in Levi’s absence, that she’s going to take on his role as protector, and save everyone.  How Isabel’s admiration and hero worship of Levi is, indirectly, what gets her killed here.  She wants to be just like him, and in trying to be like him, she ends up dying.  All of this happens in front of Levi.  He has to watch Isabel die while trying to do the thing he’s made himself responsible for, which is protecting the lives of others. And the way she starts to call out for him, right before the Titan’s jaws close around her, is truly gut wrenching. Levi’s expression here is one of such utter horror and shock too, before it turns to sudden, murderous rage, and he tries once more to close the distance and make it in time, only to have to watch both Flagon, and then Furlan both get eaten too.

Levi thinks to himself, as Furlan’s being lifted to the Titan’s mouth “I’m going to end up letting everyone die.”  Before screaming out Furlan’s name.  Levi is already blaming himself, already feeling the abject weight of his failure. This is the moment when he realizes his choice was the wrong one.

Furlan, in one of the saddest moments of all, finally sees Levi and, as if to say ‘it’s okay.  This isn’t your fault’, waves to him in acknowledgment.

Maybe most cruel of all is how Levi, even in the face of his overwhelming fear and horror and self-hatred, clings desperately to hope, still trying with everything he has to make it in time to save at least one of his friends.  He thinks to himself “Come on, make it in time!!”, and only to make it more tragic still, he almost DOES make it in time, just barely a moment too late as he slices off the hand of the Titan that had been holding Furlan.  Levi misses saving Furlan’s life by mere moments. It’s truly the definition of tragic, and beyond traumatizing.  

9. Chapter 8: Choices

Alright, and now I’ve reached the final chapter of “No Regrets”, so let’s just dive right in!

There really is so much more to unpack from this story than I think people realize.

Firstly, just a few, truly devastating observations I want to talk about.

The first one being how, even after Furlan gets swallowed by the Titan, Levi still believes he can save him. The fact that he cuts the Titan open from the chest down to his sternum, and free’s Furlan’s arm, and the panels which show Levi reaching out for his hand and ripping him from the Titan’s stomach is just… so heartbreaking.  The way too that he gently carry’s him back to the ground and lays him out, only to discover that his entire lower half is gone, and he’s dead, just the level of trauma you know this must be causing Levi is immense, and beyond tragic.  This is one of only two, true friends in his life, and he’s so desperate to have been able to save him, that he clings on to the possibility to the bitter end, until he’s forced to face the bleak reality. Levi’s devastation is really brilliantly depicted in how he wobbles, as if his knees are weak, when he stands back up.

And then of course comes Levi’s rage, and how he takes it out on the Titans, expressing his grief and pain in the only way he knows how, through violence.  

But maybe the most heartbreaking moment here comes once he’s through killing every Titan there, and he starts to stumble away, and his foot comes into contact with Isabel’s severed head. This is, once more, another area in which the manga improved hugely over the visual novel.  

Levi’s reaction here is just… the most heartbreaking thing ever.  The way he stares when he realizes he’s looking at Isabel’s head, and then falls to his knees, his overwhelming grief here is just so beautifully depicted in these panels, as he reaches out a hand to cover her eyes, and then slides them closed, in an attempt to give her some sort of dignity in death.  The way he can’t even look at her, just doubled over in his grief, just killed me to see.  It’s so unspeakably sad, and conveys to us readers the true depth of Levi’s despair, I think.

And then we move on from this horrific grief, to the climactic moment of the story, when Levi and Erwin again come together, and we see Levi’s overwhelming rage.  Again, this entire scene was a massive improvement over the visual novel.  Well, for starters, in the visual novel, they had Levi cut Erwin’s horse down to bring him to the ground, and again, that’s just so out of character.  Luckily, they fixed that here too, with Levi simply leaping up and dragging Erwin off his horse.

These panels really are amazing too is showing Levi’s intense rage, as he warns Mike to back the hell off, and brings his blade to Erwin’s neck.

What’s really interesting here is what Levi says.  

After the struggle of the choice he made, before Furlan and Isabel were killed, after giving so much consideration and choosing based largely on their own dreams and wishes, Levi tells Erwin here “I’m going to kill you, you bastard.  That’s why I’m here.”.  And Erwin responds, after studying Levi a moment, “So they… all died? I see.”.  Erwin gleans here, both from Levi’s words and expression, that his friends have died, and what he says indicates that he knows the only reason Levi hasn’t tried to kill him before now is because Furlan’s and Isabel’s own well being and their own dreams were the only thing holding Levi back.  Levi made no attempt on Erwin’s life before because he was placing Furlan’s and Isabel’s wishes above his own, but now that they’re gone, there’s nothing to keep Levi from acting out his revenge.  

This is also where we get Erwin’s full reveal of just how in control of this entire situation he’s been this whole time, and how he manipulated every player and outcome to his desires.

This really isn’t something I see get discussed a whole lot when talking about Levi’s relationship with Erwin, and how it started out.  But, unquestionably, Erwin used Levi and his friends against their consent, to achieve his own ends.  He set the whole thing up, from first spreading rumors about having some sort of evidence against Lovof’s embezzlement, to then spreading the information that he was looking to recruit Levi and his friends from the Underground, thereby giving Lovof the very idea of going to them to obtain his own proof of the evidence’s existence, while simultaneously leading Erwin to the definitive proof he sought by following the messenger Lovof sent and intercepting him.  At the same time, giving Erwin a means of throwing Lovof off by using Levi, Furlan and Isabel for cover.  It really is incredibly impressive, but also heartbreaking, the way Erwin used Levi and his friends to his own ends, but of course, perfectly in character for Erwin too, willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. It begs certain questions though about the equality between Erwin and Levi, at least at the start of their relationship.  Erwin clearly had the control and power in this situation, and though clearly he never meant for Furlan and Isabel to die, still, his decision to rope Levi and them into his plans to catch Lovof and also to gain their strength and skill for the SC, did lead indirectly to their deaths.  Surely, if Erwin had never meddled in their lives, and used them as tools, they would have all still been alive in the Underground.  

But of course, this leads into a really interesting clash, then, between Levi and Erwin, and where we see Erwin win Levi over to his cause.  This is, as is becoming a redundant theme of my analysis here, a giant improvement over the visual novel.  There, it makes it seems as if Levi decides to follow Erwin only because Erwin has something Levi lacks, and until he can figure out what that something is, he won’t be able to “defeat him”, implying that Levi is still somehow obsessed with beating Erwin in some way.  Like he isn’t joining Erwin to fight for his dream of a better world, but because he wants to figure out what Erwin has that he doesn’t, so he can become superior, or whatever.  But here, in the manga, Levi’s reasons for deciding to follow Erwin are much more complex, and tied in with his own personal drive of wanting to help and save others, and into his relationship with Furlan and Isabel.  

Levi tells him “It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives!  They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game.  Well, you lose.”, right before he means to take Erwin’s head off.

What’s interesting here is Erwin’s response.  He doesn’t try to deny to Levi that he used Furlan and Isabel and Levi himself as pawns. He doesn’t argue, or try to defend himself on that front.  What he takes issue with is Levi calling the reasons for it a “worthless game”.

Erwin’s entire speech to Levi here really builds off of the feelings Levi had already started to develop, about feeling like he had maybe found a place to belong, where he could maximize the good he could do.  This wasn’t yet a fully formed idea in Levi’s head, up to this point, but the seeds of it had started to form.

Erwin asks Levi who’s responsible for killing his friends.  He asks if it was him, if it was Levi, and then he asks if he really thought that if they had come together to attack Erwin, that they would have made it out alive.  

This is what Levi is beating himself up over, of course.  The belief that he made the wrong decision, in leaving Furlan and Isabel behind, thinking to himself if they hadn’t split up, they would still be alive.  He blames himself for how he came to that decision, and starts to say as much to Erwin here, saying it was his conceit and his pride that was to blame, no doubt thinking of how it was his memory of Erwin and the humiliation he caused Levi that was the final tipping point which decided him in favor of going after Erwin himself, and also how he simply convinced himself that he would be able to shoulder all of the responsibility himself in such a dire situation, remembering how he told Furlan “I can do it by myself!” so insistently, asking him to trust him, to trust essentially in Levi’s strength.  To Levi, in this moment, his own strength must have seemed worthless suddenly, his belief in it leading to nothing but abject failure.   But then Erwin cuts him off and says, emphatically that, no, it was the Titans who killed them, before beginning to talk about how little they know about the Titans, and how if they continue to remain ignorant like that, they’ll never win against them.  He tells Levi to look around himself, and points out how, for as far as the eye can see, there are no walls, and then suggests that, in all that open space, there might be something they can find to free humanity from its despair and imprisonment.  And then he reminds Levi that there are people who want to stop this from this from happening, only concerned with their own profits and losses, content to stay where danger can’t reach them.  He shows sympathy, saying it’s understandable why they feel that way, because they’ve been blinded by the walls for a hundred years, and can’t see past their own survival.

And then he asks Levi if his eyes have remained clouded too.  He’s asking Levi here if he only knows how to live for himself, and if he’ll kill him and return to the Underground to continue to do so, after losing the two people he cared most about in this world.

But of course, Levi’s already learned how to live for people other than himself.  That was his whole reason for coming to the Surface in the first place.  In support and dedication to the hopes and dreams of his friends.  Levi’s eyes HAVEN’T been clouded, he’s already discovered and embraced what it means to give your life for others, already able to see past his own benefit.  

Erwin reminds Levi of that here, and tells him they won’t give up on going outside the walls, before asking Levi to fight with the Survey Corps, telling him “Humanity needs your skill!!”.  He reminds Levi, even after the loss of the two people whom he had been living for up to that point, that he can continue to live for others still, that he can still fight for the hopes and dreams of others, and that he doesn’t have to return to the life of isolation and loneliness and futility that he once lived, that he doesn’t have to return to simply surviving, or fighting only to survive. He’s reminding Levi that his life can mean more than that, just like he realized when he became friends with Isabel and Furlan.  That his life can have purpose, and that, if he lends his strength to the SC, he can do more even than help a few people.  He can, in fact, help all of humanity.  

The following panels show Levi coming to this realization.  He remembers Furlan and Isabel at his sides as they rode out into the open for the first time, into the first, true sense of freedom they had ever known, and their shared awe and wonder at the sight.  And Levi is realizing here, just as he had fought for his friends dreams of freedom, and of a better, more hopeful life, he can continue to fight for the same, only for everybody, for all people.  He can make the most of his abilities, and help the most people, by staying in the SC and fighting at Erwin’s side, fighting for Erwin’s vision of something beyond the walls, of a kind of salvation for humanity.

What Erwin gives Levi here, really, the thing Erwin gives Levi that he before lacked, is a sense of hope. A belief in his own ability to make a meaningful, positive impact on the lives of others.  It’s like Erwin’s own belief in that hope for humanity’s salvation is so strong, that Levi finds himself able to believe in it too, and he decides then and there that, for the sake of that hope, for the sake of the vision of something better, Levi will stay by Erwin’s side.  Because it’s what Levi’s always wanted to do, to fight for the hopes and dreams of others, to fight to make the lives of other people better, and Erwin has shown him the way to do so.  He shows Levi that Furlan and Isabel didn’t die for a “worthless game”, but for the sake of all human kind, and that’s why Levi is able to let go of his anger towards Erwin and follow him.  And that really feeds into Levi’s need, later on, for every soldier’s death to carry meaning.  If he can believe Furlan and Isabel died for a truly important reason, he can accept it and cope with his grief.  Like Isabel expressed herself before, these people genuinely believe their cause is worth dying for, and Erwin reminds Levi of this again.  

So he forgets his anger and pain, and chooses instead to follow Erwin, and dedicate himself to the cause of humanity’s salvation.  

The final panels of the manga are incredibly moving, with Levi slowing down behind Erwin and Mike, and glancing back one last time to where he lost his two, best friends, before looking away and riding on, as the sun shines through the clouds.  Like one, final acknowledgment of their lives together, and the sacrifice they made, before committing himself fully to his new life ahead.

10. Prologue

Just a small note on the prologue.  It opens up with Furlan and Isabel and Levi sitting beneath the only, real source of sunlight in the Underground, watching the birds in the sky.  Isabel wonders where they’re going, and Furlan answers “Far away... They can fly even beyond the walls.  To Places we couldn’t go eve with those machines.”  Isabel smiles, and says “Got that right!  Just you wait!  I’ll go with you someday.”, while Levi looks up into the sky, silent.  This is only further proof of how Furlan and Isabel both expressed their dream of someday making it on the surface, of achieving freedom from the prison of the Underground, and how Levi would sit and listen to them say things like this.  We see shots of just how grim and harsh the Underground really is here, with people lying passed out and sick in the streets, the pervasive, overwhelming darkness, and just overall depressing atmosphere.  It’s the kind of place that, clearly, robs people of their will to live.  Of any kind of hope.   It’s important to note that Levi himself never expresses any such dream, or desire.  He never voices that he wants to make it to the surface.  This is Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream, their hope, and Levi hears it from them seemingly often.  Probably, because of how hard his life has been, Levi’s never even considered it a real possibility, and so never even entertained the idea of it becoming real.  But for Furlan and Isabel, he was willing to try.  He went to the surface for them, to try and make their dream a reality.  

[anintrovertsdiary]

This week, I made a friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I never had anything against Reagan. He’s always been a gentleman and he’s always been a good friend to Ryan. Even when it felt like he was going through moments of mania, I felt safe around his company. Honestly even when he tore off his underwear one day in front of everyone, I didn’t think anything less of him. There was always this aura around the company of the four of them, Ryan, Reagan, James and Howard, where I knew they would always protect me, emotionally and physically.

In college, Reagan dated Rebekah who was a year younger than us. She drove this Kia soul and I think we all cringe inside when we see them 1. Because they’re Kia souls 2. Because she voluntarily picked one out for her parents to buy her (rich Southern California kid that can afford out of state tuition and goes up to pnw for college). That tells you enough about someone. She was also a part of a sorority which you’d think meant she had a lot of friends that were probably all interchangeable white blondes and brunettes. But for some reason, she was the unspoken fifth roommate of the house on Vinyard Ave. The house also had a driveway that could fit 3 cars but one after the other so she would park her car in the driveway blocking in the other two cars and then go about her day, the idea never crossing her head that 1. She didn’t even technically live there 2. James and Howard couldn’t use their cars while she was parked there.

Anyways, I thought they were for sure end game when they both tested for the same food allergies/sensitivities. Broccoli slaw was a favorite date night dinner for them. Also note that she never had a job in college and her lifestyle of ‘alt’ urban outfitters clothes and vegan eggs that cost triple of actual eggs was funded my her parents or her trust fund. Same difference. But yet if Rebekah was at the grocery store, she’d buy Reagan the banana he requested and then proceeded to Venmo request him 19¢.

I honestly didn’t care much for Rebekah. She was just kind of there. Sure it was nice having another girl around sometimes, but her presence made no difference in my life if I’m being honest. She never wanted to drink or do any other illegal/legal activities. I remember buying Reagan and Rebekah a joint once (legal in pnw) and I’m sure she would add that to her list of worst gifts she’d ever received. Even her parents would do a gummy every once in a while. C’mon.

Anyways, post college, they continue dating. Rebekah moves back to Southern California, Reagan moves to LA. I can’t remember the exact events but leading up to the breakup, Reagan was driving for some reason, an earth polluting amount. Taylor swift levels of carbon emissions. There was an urgency for him to do it in person so he drove from his parents house in our college town all the way to Southern California and then back or something along those lines. A concerning amount for someone post break up to be on the road by themselves.

Reagan was my friend but it wasn’t until the last few days of 2022 where I could say I was his friend because I wanted to be and not as a default of Ryan’s extensions. In college, Reagan and I would watch the intramural water polo games that Ryan and Rebekah both played in. The team name probably had the word cum or cream or load in it which gives you a picture of the maturity level of these men.

Right after graduation, I moved east and he moved down to Southern California to work in the film industry, 3 years later we’re finally in Portland at the same time. I had never had real conversations with Reagan until we were smoking on the balcony of my apartment having the most casual conversation about our trauma. It was the kind of conversation that might make some people cry if they heard it but we both knew that we both just two people catching up on our latest trauma and what has changed in 3 years. Not that we couldn’t cry in front of each other. I know we can.

At the end when there was nothing left to smoke, Reagan had said something along the lines of “I’m looking into your eyes and it’s like if there was a pool of water beneath us and you jumped, my eyes would just follow yours and I would subconsciously jump too”. The moon was out.

We dropped Reagan off at the airport, I’ll say I was Reagan-ed out. Nothing was left unsaid. Raw emotions were shared between two people that never would’ve thought they’d enjoy each others company.

Here’s what I learned about Reagan:

- Reagan loves Ryan. I know Ryan smiles ear to ear when he’s reunited with him. You know that laugh Ryan does when he actually thinks something is funny. It’s like high pitched and annoying but you never get tired of hearing it.

- I like talking to Reagan about pop culture because Ryan’s never caught up and the only people I can talk to about pop culture are my friends Peter who is gay and Eliza. So it is interesting hearing the perspective of a straight wasian man.

- Reagan is a hard worker. But I already knew that.

- Reagan has a big heart and is deserving. He deserves to be loved and he deserves to be understood.

- There are a lot of versions of Reagan. I’ve witnessed his highs and low. I’m excited to see his success and I’m proud to call him my friend.

[amessywritersmind]

Hurricane - Randall ‘Pink’ Floyd

A/N:  I’ve recently re-fallen in love with the beauty of the movie Dazed and Confused, and there’s like literally no work for it so I decided to write my own about one of my favorite characters! It’s a friends-lovers type thing sooooo.... Enjoy ;)

I exited my car and walked towards the school entrance with a little more pep in my step today. Around me, I could hear the chatter and excitement of the kids scattered across the parking lot, a few more days and school would be out. Soon, a lot of them would be seniors, including me. 

As I was walking, I saw Pickford’s bright yellow car pulling in, Pickford and Michelle inside. Thank the lord! I smiled as he sped into the parking lot, walking over to the car and leaning against the window. 

“Ahhhh, Pickford! Just the man I wanted to see on this fine morning!” I said dramatically, smiling at him. He rolled his eyes putting the car into park. 

“Hey Michelle!” I said to her as Pickford turned the car off, looking over to me. She smiled back, laughing at Kevin’s reaction to me. 

“What do ya want now (y/n)?” He said in fake annoyance. 

I nudged him gently, laughing. 

“Light me, I left my lighter at home.” I said, pulling a joint out of my pocket and placing it in between my lips, leaning closer so he could light the end. 

“M’Lady” He laughed dramatically, producing a lighter and sparking the end. 

“Thanks man, you’re the best” You said standing back up right and smiling gratefully, taking a few drags off the thing.

“Yeah yeah, you only want me for my weed and my lighters.” He fake pouted dramatically, earning another giggle from me and Michelle.

“You know you love me!” I exclaimed, reaching in the window and ruffling his hair, much to his annoyance.

“Anyways, I gotta go find some people, I’ll catch you guys later!” I called, backing away and going to find some other friends. 

I took a couple drags off the joint, making my way through the school gates and saying hi to people I knew along the way. Mid laugh (at something someone had said) I felt the joint being pulled out of my mouth. I turned quickly only to see one of my very best friends, Randall Floyd, or Pink as we all call him. I smiled at the sight of my joint hanging out of his mouth, a smirk on his lips. 

“And what do you think you’re doing Mister? I chuckled, crossing my arms and giving him a look. 

“Well, you know what they say (y/n), sharing is caring.” He said jokingly, taking a big hit off of it. 

“Heyyyy!” I exclaimed, laughing and reaching for it. 

“Don’t smoke it all! I barely got a few hits in.” I pouted as he pulled it from my reach. He laughed and threw his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in and passing the joint back to me. 

“Fine, I’ll give it back Mrs. Grouch” He said, earning a nudge in the side from me.

‘You’re lucky I love you” I grumbled out, looking at him. He laughed. keeping his arm around my shoulder and walking towards the doors to the school. 

“So I was wonderin’ if you’re free tonight? Maybe you can drop by mine later tonight? I’ve got some new records to listen to and a sixer just begging for us to drink it.’ Pink said, as if he’d really have to coax me into coming over. I laughed at his ‘puppy dog eyes’ all the same.

“What, no plans with the leech tonight?” I joked around, referring to his ever annoying girlfriend. 

“Nahh, needed a break for one night” He said dismissively, earning a laugh from me.

“Alright, It sounds like a plan! Be there at 6?” I confirmed, stopping as we heard someone call Pink’s name. He waved to them to hold on before finally removing his arm from my shoulders. 

“Sounds great! Can’t wait.” He confirmed with a smile, turning towards me and stealing the joint again, taking another hit before passing it back to me. 

“See you then.” I called to him as he walked backwards, shooting finger guns my way and nearly tripping on his own feet. I laughed at how dorky he really could be at times. 

I took the last drag before putting the joint out and walking into the building, nearly running straight into Slater.  

“Slater! My man! How’s it going?” I said to him, doing the funky little hand shake we made up a few years back. 

“Good, man! Hey! I got that stuff for you.” He said smiling like a maniac, pulling a little bag out of his pocket and handing it to me. 

“You are the best my dude!” I laughed out, putting the baggie into my bag.

“Anything for you! Hey man, I’ll check ya later!” He said, shooting me finger guns and walking away. I really was friends with a bunch of dorks.

I sighed, continuing my walk to first period, now all I had to do was survive the day.

Later that day 

The final bell rung out, everyone including me rushing to pack their stuff up and get out. As I was walking out of the building I saw Slater, Pickford, and Michelle  hanging out in the parking lot over by Pickford’s car and decided to go say hi real quick. 

“Only a few more days dudes, and then we’re seniors!’ I exclaimed as I walked up to the group. “Hey Michelle, can I bum a cig?” 

She handed me one and lighter. “Thanks.”

“It’s gonna be so weird man, we’re gonna be like so....old” Slater said slowly, laughing after he realized what he said. I laughed too. I handed the lighter back to Michelle and took a drag off the stick.

“All I know is, we’ll be the top of the food chain, and i’m gonna throw a fat party to celebrate!” Pickford laughed, lighting up a joint of his own. 

As I was about to reply, I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist, lifting me up slightly before setting me back down. I let out a little shout, startled, holding my cigarette out to avoid burning whoever the culprit was. 

“Floyd! I swear to god I’ll kill you!” I said knowing it could be no one else.

“Oooooo, she used your last name. You’re in trouble, man!” Slater called out, laughing as Pink placed me down again and moved to my side, throwing an arm over my shoulder, as he usually did.

“Awe, look at the two love birds who won’t admit they’re lovebirds!” Pickford said mockingly, faking a gag at the end. 

“Oh shove it Pickford” Pink said dismissively, waving off the comment.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t want his toy to hear that.” I fake whispered to the group as they laughed along. I was referring to Simone and they all new it. They all new I couldn’t stand her, including Pink, and most of the group felt the same way.

“Alright alright, that’s enough of that.” Pink started, trying to keep the peace as always. 

“Look! It’s my favorite group of little stoners!” A voice called to the left, Donnie joining the small gathering, a chorus of ‘hey Don’s’ and ‘what’s up man’s’ emitting from the group. 

“Hey Don! How ya been? Haven’t seen you in a while.” I said as he reached the circle. 

“Still waiting on your call, baby.” He said winking and flicking his tongue at me. I heard Pink scoff at this from beside me, but I just laughed. Donnie was Donnie after all. 

“In your dreams man.” I replied smoothly. 

“Oh you know it sweatheart! Anyways, I’m here for you Slater. Where’s my drugs?” He called over to the stoner, who was currently passing a joint to Michelle. 

“Follow me, man.” He said with a guilty grin, him and Donnie walking away. 

“Well, as much as I love hanging out with you nerds, I gotta get goin.” I said, moving to walk towards my car. Pink hooked his fingers into the belt loops on the side of my jeans, pulling me back towards him. 

‘We still on for tonight?” He asked.

“Yes, sir!” I said feigning seriousness, fake saluting him. He laughed at this. 

“Alright then. I shall see you tonight.” He smiled, releasing his hold on the belt loops and backing up slightly.

“See you then. Later, guys!” I called over my shoulder and hopping in my car, the radio coming to life at full volume as the car roared to life. 

Today had been a fairly good day but who was I to lie, I was beyond exited for the night to come. I raced home and instantly started getting ready-showering and then getting dressed. I had a little more time to kill before I needed to head over to Pink’s so I took out the new goods from Slater and rolled a few more joints, placing 2 in the “Emergency” supply and packing the rest into my purse before slipping my shoes on and heading out. 

I eventually pulled up outside Pink’s house, only to see him and Slater talking out by Pink’s car. 

“Getting the party started without me, boys?” I smirked, making my way over to the little group.

“(y/n), man! It feels like it’s been forever since I saw you man.” Slater called, laughing almost nervously. Pink looked over at me as well, shooting me his award winning smile. 

“Slater, I literally saw you a few hours ago” I laughed, pulling him into a hug anyways. 

“My turn!” Pink exclaimed once I’d let go of Slater, holding his arms open wide with a little smile on his face. I rolled my eyes, laughing, but walking into his arms anyways, my heart skipping a beat momentarily. I just chose to ignore that bit. 

“So, what’re you doing here? Not that your company isn’t a pleasure, “ I started, looking at Slater. “but i thought it was just gonna be us tonight?” I finished, looking at Pink. 

“It is, he was just dropping off some supplies” Pink answered devilishly. 

“Yeah, don’t worry (y/n), I’m not here to steal your man time, man” He laughed out, beginning to step away.

“You wish Slater!” I said, blushing slightly. He just shook his head, beginning to walk away. The blush intensified even more when Pink put his arm around my waist, pulling me even closer. He was usually pretty touchy, but it seemed to be amped up even more tonight. 

“Thanks again, man. I’ll see you tomorrow at the Emporium?” Pink called as Slater was walking away. 

“For sure man! Have fun, but not too much fun, man!” He called back, making his way around the corner. 

Pink still hadn’t let go of me so I turned, putting a hand on his chest and laughing at his dopey facial expression. 

“Hmmmmm, seems like someone really did start the party without me” I laughed, pinching his cheek lightly, him swatting my hand away. 

“Ok maybe I smoked a tinyyyy bit, but there’s still plenty to go around” He said smirking and hooking his fingers into the front belt loops of my pants. I looked up at him, suddenly having an overwhelming urge to lean in. I snapped myself out of it though, if any of that was going to be happening tonight I’d have to be a lot more out of it than my current state.

“Well, why are we still out here then? The weed isn’t going to smoke itself!” I chuckled, breaking away from him and making my way into his house, directly to his room. 

I plopped onto his bed, leaning against the headboard as Pink followed me in, closing the door and lighting some incense to mask the smell. As soon as it was good and burning, I pulled out my freshly rolled stash, lighting it and taking a drag as Pink put one of the new records on the player.

Once it was settled, he turned towards me. 

“Hey now! Don’t be greedy” He laughed at me, launching himself on top of me on the bed, opening his mouth for me to place the joint in it. I complied with his wishes, sticking it in his mouth and leaning back with a smile on my face, his body still very much on top of mine. 

Eventually, he moved to a more comfortable position at my side. We listened to the records, back to back, giving our respective opinions on each of the albums, going through about 4 joints and 3 beers each. By the time the last song on the last of his new records rang out, we were fairly buzzed. 

“Well, that’s all of em. Now, what to do, what to do?” Pink stated, looking over to me with an idea in his eyes. 

“Have anything specific in mind?” I asked absentmindedly, more focused on the brightly colored poster on the wall. 

“I have an idea, yeah” He answered vaguely. I giggled lightly at his lack of explanation.

“Are you planning on sharing that idea with me or are you just gonna keep it locked up in that brain of yours?” I questioned teasingly, leaning forward to tap his temple lightly. He swatted my hand away with a laugh. 

“I’ll do better, I’ll show you!” He exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the window. I was curious now.

Before I could question his intentions further, he slid the window open and climbed out on to the roof, turning back and reaching his hand in the window, motioning for me to follow. I grabbed his hand and climbed out as well. He began walking towards the middle of the roof, my hand still clasped tightly in his own.

He sat down finally, pulling my arm along with him. I sat down quietly, leaning against his shoulder lightly. For a few long moments, there was nothing but silence. Pink stared up at the sky, lost in thought. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” I asked quietly, poking his side gently. 

“I don’t love her.” He answered immediately. 

“What?” I replied, taken aback by the question. 

“Simone. I don’t love her, I never did. In fact, we’ve been split for months, but she refuses to let me go. I don’t love her because..... well, because I love someone else” He laughed out almost incredulously, like he couldn’t believe what he was saying. Something about that statement sent a ping straight to my heart. 

“Well then, that’s ok! I’m sure this girl likes you back. Who wouldn’t? Don’t worry yourself too-” before I could finish my sentence, his lips were on mine. They moved in sync briefly before he pulled away. 

“It’s you. You are the girl I’m talking about. I think I’ve always known it’s you, I just never realized it.” He let out with no hesitation. As I processed what he was saying to me, my heart was dancing in my chest. This was not how I planned for the night to go, not that I’m complaining at all.

“I don’t think there's any question that I feel the same then?” I asked in a daze, still shocked by the events that had just transpired. Pink chuckled at this, shaking his head and wrapping an arm around me, pulling me closer. 

“No, I don’t think so. Though, I think I should double check, just to make sure.” He stated, a goofy smile finding its way onto his face. At that, he leaned down once more, placing his lips on mine once again. 

[fowleyes]

headcanon 01 .

before i get started i wanna say i would like to do my best to be careful with these types of headcanons, considering these are real things that affect people daily. full disclosure that i suffer from a chronic autoimmune disease and have no intentions of offending anyone through this post. i simply saw the signs in him, and thought it necessary to incorporate into my portrayal.

that being said: tw for disease , death , blood , chronic illness , and chronic pain will be subject in this post .

alright i've been digging around all last night and all morning like a little gremlin and i found this post ( you CAN read this , but i'm not 100% on board with everything they mentioned so i'm gonna wiggle in my own version here! however, i'd like to put credit where credit is due) whilst trying to put a name to the symptoms itachi exhibits (which we MOSTLY see during his death battle with sasuke) including but not limited to :

blurred / double vision coughing blood chest pain (from the looks of it , it seems quite sharp) shortness of breath limping fatigue

along with this screenshot where "madara" points out that itachi took several medications merely to keep himself alive long enough to die by sasuke's hand and carry out his plan .

that being said, here is the symptom list copied from this site (everything from the site is under a blockquote) :

People who have MPA may feel generally ill and fatigued, have a fever, or a loss of appetite and weight. They usually also have symptoms related to areas of involvement such as rashes, muscle and/or joint pain.

so, this is isn't explicably explained in canon, but i am going to incorporate it more and more into my headcanons and portrayal. it's obvious that by the time of the fight (as well as leading up to it) itachi is unwell. "ill and fatigued" seems to fit the bill quite nicely. regarding his rashes and muscle/joint pain, these are common with a lot of autoimmune illnesses, and i'll say itachi deals with it quite frequently.

he fights it constantly to go about his objectives or even survive his day to day , but there are times when he falters , collapses , can't move , and is forced into rest/recovery mode by his body. this impacts his skill as a shinobi, especially as the disease makes its progression.

When MPA affects the lungs they may have shortness of breath or cough up of blood. MPA affecting the nerves may cause an abnormal sensation followed by numbness or loss of strength. Any combination of these symptoms may be present.

i'll not get too rowdy with this one since it's presented clear as day in canon as you can see his body start to shut down. ( examples : x & x ) but the idea of numbness also makes a lot of sense to me and the loss of strength becomes obvious .

here is another excerpt from this site describing the effects of MPA on the lungs.

Lung involvement can be a dramatic and life-threatening manifestation of MPA. When lung disease takes the form alveolar hemorrhage – bleeding from the small capillaries that are in contact with the lungs’ microscopic air sacs – the condition may quickly pose a threat to the patient’s respiratory status (and therefore to the patient’s life). Alveolar hemorrhage, which is frequently heralded by the coughing up of blood, occurs in approximately 12% of patients with MPA .

--

Kidney disease caused by MPA often doesn’t produce symptoms. Inflammation of the kidney may not be apparent to the patient until the kidneys begin to stop working. So it’s very important for the provider, in dealing with any form of vasculitis, to always examine the urine.

& here's another headcanon piece to work off of. not much to say on it considering the symptoms are silent, so it's not as if itachi would be aware it's happening, but who's to say this didn't have anything to do with his death tbh.

ALSO , all of this being said , i don't think itachi was ever officially diagnosed with this. obviously he knew he was ill and was doing his best to combat his illness by seeking what treatment he could, but without a proper diagnosis or the exact type of medication needed, ofc it would contribute to his ultimate downfall.

AND ANYWAY THIS POST GOT TOO DAMN LONG AND I STILL HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS AND THINGS TO SAY but i will stop typing now and proceed with my drafts bc i have work in 2 hours .

[spenciegoob]

Who Needs Luck?

A/N: hi! I solely wrote this because of my 3 recent visits to NY (no, I sadly did not meet mgg)... plus i’ve been going there my whole life.. this is becoming the longest authors note, but as i’m writing I just want to say the people who work at food trucks in nyc are the nicest people ever, ask them about their day (AND TIP OMG PLS)

Summary: Reader invites Spencer to go to New York City with her where he finally sees the beauty right in front of him.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Fluff!

Content Warnings: reader can’t drive very well (I apologize if this is a callout post), slight road rage, language

Masterlist

Word Count: 2.4K

____

I never considered myself a lucky man. Life had proven time and time again that no matter how many four leaf clovers I set out to search for, how many pennies on the ground faced heads up I stumbled across, luck was never on my side. I’ve learned to live with it, accepted my fate as the world’s smartest punching bag long before I was even in college.

But then I met her, and as cheesy as it sounds, I didn’t need luck that morning.

The second I woke up, the universe seemed to have it out for me specifically. I swung my legs over my bed, and in my half asleep daze stepped on my glasses, successfully breaking them. Unable to see on my short trip to the bathroom, I stubbed my toe… twice. Once I finally finished my morning routine more methodically, I walked out of my apartment only to bump into a stranger, sending the coffee she was holding all the both of us.

I had tried to apologize so many times, cutting my words short when they didn’t feel right. I had gotten through a series of “I’m, uh, oh, I, you,” before her smile interrupted my thought process, leaving me awestruck instead.

“That’s okay, but you owe me a coffee now.” She giggled, actually giggled, even with the scorching liquid causing her shirt to stick to her body. “Maybe… together?”

I didn’t hesitate to agree, taking her up on the offer that weekend and never looking back. Even when a loud crash, followed by a quiet, harsh ‘shit’ woke me up in a startle, there was no regret. Maybe just a little concern for my girlfriend who now that my eyes have adjusted to the darkness, can be seen holding her knee on the floor of our bedroom.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to wake you,” she whispered out, grabbing onto the dresser to stand straight again. Once she was on her feet, she came over to sit on the edge of our bed, immediately running her fingers through my hair. If I wasn’t so worried about her knee, I probably would’ve fell asleep again.

“Are you okay?” She giggled at my scratchy morning voice before nodding her head. It’s then I realized how the sun hasn’t even begun to rise, the room still pitchblack. “What are you doing up?”

“Getting ready to go to the city, sleepyhead,” she said as if it was the most obvious answer, but truthfully, it left me with more questions.

“At... 5 am?” I sat up, glancing at the alarm clock three times just to make sure I was reading it right. She may have always been a little strange, but usually at a reasonable hour.

At this, she stood up to continue getting ready for the very early morning. Now I notice why she fell, the piles of clothes leading to the closet had to have at least half of her outfits compiled together.

“Well, yeah. I want to get there before noon.” Even in my perplexed state, I rose from the bed and carefully tiptoed around haphazardly thrown clothes to reach her.

While wrapping my arms around her waist still hidden under my t-shirt, I questioned. “It’s right outside? You have 7 hours.”

She turned to look at me funny as if I wasn’t the one digging through clothes and waking up before dawn to walk literally 5 minutes to my desired location. My eyebrows must have subconsciously furrowed at one point, because she brought her hand up to stroke her thumb on my forehead. Immediately, I felt the tension melt, no longer caring to correct my confusion. She still did it anyway.

“Not DC, silly. New York!” I wish it were untrue, but my heart dropped at her words. She was leaving, going to a city I wasn’t familiar with beyond reading about, solving cases, and memorizing subway maps. Is this how she feels every time I board that jet?

“W-what? You’re just going to New York City?” I inwardly cringed at how desperate and sad I sounded, but I really didn’t want her to leave.

“Mhm,” she mumbled, turning back around to return digging in her closet.

“For how long?” Please change your mind. Please change your mind. Please change you-

Realizing that I was fully awake, she let out a boisterous laugh, allowing the way it bounced off our four little walls to return back to us. It was a sound most treasured. “I was hoping to get back around 9.”

“What?” I leaned back to look at her like she was absolutely preposterous. I mean, she was!

“Roadtrip!”

That’s how I found myself in the passenger seat of her car, no coffee in my hand because I wasn’t allowed until I have “a real cup of coffee.” Whatever the hell that means better happen soon, because as much as I loved watching the way she concentrates on the road in front of her, my eyes were starting to droop.

“It’s going to be another 4 hours. You can sleep, my love.” How she knew me so well, I will never be able to figure out, but I was out before we even made it across state borders.

That however, didn’t last very long. My girlfriend may be short and sweet, but behind the wheel? That’s a different story. The horn to her car is a very familiar sound when I’m jolted awake by a sudden stop.

“Really, asshole? Go!” She yelled, slamming her hand against the top of the steering wheel before looking over at me. “Hey, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to wake you yet. I forgot how awful drivers are here.”

“Where is here exactly?” I questioned, sitting up from my slouched position to find cars practically on top of each other on a road not wide enough for two lanes.

“New Jersey. We’re 10 minutes away.” Wow, I didn’t realize I slept for that long, and I have to admit I’m a little surprised I wasn’t woken up sooner.

“How are we 10 minutes away? It’s at least another 30 to get to the tunnel.” Looking at our surroundings didn’t help me determine our exact location. To the left of us, there were dozens of graffiti murals on the side of what I assumed was another elevated highway. To the right, sidestreets with local businesses ranging from auto repair shops to fast food joints to gyms.

“Nuh uh, stop analyzing mister. You’ll know when we get there.” She waved a finger in my directions, putting a pin in my scrutinization. I pouted right back, successfully playing along to the theme of her scolding me like a 5 year old.

“I don’t like surprises you know.” It was the truth, but her contagious laughter that filled the car made me slightly less disinclined to stop asking questions.

“Oh I know, but trust me, you’ll like this one.” She went to go reach over to grab my hand from where it was resting in my lap, but stopped short and retracted in favor of slamming the horn. “Oh, come on!”

***

“So you drove to a train station... in New Jersey?” I asked while she was… attempting to park the car.

“Well, yeah. I’ve been taking this route since I was a little girl.” Once she finally figured out how to evenly space a two door convertible in a very spacious parking spot, she unbuckled her seatbelt, and was quick to grab her bag from the backseat. “Well, come on mister, we’re going to miss the train.”

To be quite honest, I have never been so lost in my life. I could probably pinpoint our exact location on a map if I wanted to, granted I was given any sort of information, but part of me didn’t want to. Scratch that, all of me didn’t want to, because my entire life has been planned out in front of me before, but right now, I get to be spontaneous with the most beautiful girl on the planet.

“Don’t let go of my hand,” she told me, lacing our fingers together and pulling me forward. “Don’t stop to look around, you will get pushed.”

We made it inside, and if I thought the DC transit system was bustling with people constantly, this place was so much worse. There were hallways left and right, all packed with people in a rush. It seems everybody had some place to be and zero time to get there.

“Upstairs.” We walked up two flights before reaching a platform, buying our tickets and making it just in time for a train to arrive. “I know they come every 8 minutes, but thank god we made this one,” she said as she sat down.

The cart we were in wasn’t too crowded, and once I finally found a map on the wall across from us, I saw that it was a direct ride to the World Trade Center.

“You said you took this train when you were little?”

“Yeah, I went to the city a lot as a kid. This was the easiest, and the cheapest way there.” A small smile played at her lips, obviously the product of some childhood memory. “I used to hop it.”

“Of course you did,” I laughed back with her, thinking about how an innocent looking child would be the first person to get away with sneaking onto the train.

***

“I said it before, I will say it again. Do not let go of my hand.” This time it was more stern, and if I were being honest, I would say that it got me the slightest bit nervous. She must have noticed, she always does, because she continued. “Don’t worry, it just gets congested and I don’t want to lose you.”

She was right about that, it indeed was very congested, but that was okay because she was holding my hand, and I would follow her just about anywhere if it meant she kept looking over her shoulder and smiling when she saw me. Once we made it across the way, and in front of heavy looking glass doors, she turned to me and started walking backwards.

“You okay? This is definitely not off to a great start.” She was wrong, it was off to a perfect start.

“Yeah, I’m okay, but you might want to watch where you’re going,” I said before her back hit the door.

“Please I can get here with my eyes closed.” And then we were outside, and all 5 of my senses were hit immediately. The sun was shining down on us, and before I could complain about not bringing my sunglasses, she handed them to me. My heart fluttered at the innocent act, taking the sunglasses with such gratitude even though she had already moved on to retrieve hers. “Do you smell that?” She asked.

“There are a lot of answers to that question,” I told her, not knowing if she was talking about the smell of the construction happening at the corner, the permanent garbage smell or something entirely different.

“The hotdogs, silly. Come on, there’s nothing like ‘em.” This time, I laced our fingers together, not because I was scared of losing her, I was, but I just really wanted to be closer to her. She didn’t mind, in fact, she let out a content hum and leaned her head on my arm as we walked to the stand.

“Can I get four hotdogs with sauerkraut and two grape sodas,” she asked the vendor, who politely nodded before moving on to prepare our food.

“You’re going to have a heart attack by 35,” I said as I nudged her with my shoulder. She gave me a small push back before answering.

“Is that a doctor’s diagnosis?” She asked as she took our now ready food into her hands, after paying the man before I even had time to blink. I just grabbed the two cans of soda and followed her where she was making a beeline for a park bench. “Watch out for skaters.”

“Yes, it is indeed a doctor's diagnosis.” I unwrapped one of the hotdogs before taking a bite. I closed my eyes and let out a content hum. “It may be a little worth it.”

“Exactly.” We sat there quietly, enjoying the warm weather and sounds of wheels against pavement. At one point, she rested her head against my shoulder, and I am convinced wherever she went would be Heaven.

***

“Are your eyes closed?” We found ourselves with both our hands interlocked, my eyes closed while she walked backwards. I gave an ‘mhm’ before she continued. “We’re here, just keep them closed, and…” her words trailed off. “Okay open.”

I opened my eyes to her holding her arms out in the middle of the largest bookstore I’ve ever seen. “Surprise!” My eyes were bouncing everywhere. It wasn’t too crowded, the large stairwell across the store catching my eye first. There were bookshelves tens of feet high, all loaded with different genres and authors. To the right of us, tiny knick knacks and pins and socks. It was beautiful.

“Wow,” I whispered out, still stuck in my place admiring our surroundings. She was beaming up at me, a hint of pride at her successfulness to drag me 6 hours away to the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen.

“The Strand has always been my favorite place in the city. Come on, let’s go explore.” She grabbed my hands again, pulling me deeper into the store towards a shelf labeled adult fiction.

***

Six books, three pairs of socks and a postcard later, we were back on the busy streets of New York, aimlessly walking and admiring the tall buildings and different attractions. Well she was, I was admiring the way she was looking around like it was her first time here. Maybe I should have been paying more attention to our surroundings, but no amount of skyscrapers or fountains could possibly ever match up to her level of beauty. 

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” I asked randomly, startling her into jumping a tiny bit before giggling. She stopped us, turning to face me fully before reaching up to grab my face in her hands.

“Once or twice.” The kiss we shared on the New York streets were no different than the ones before, but this time, it felt like a silent promise. A passing between two lovers that no matter where we are, our love is the most beautiful thing there is. “I love you too, dork.”

___

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[mercurysstars]

What it’s like to live like me.

Summary: this is more or less a prompt of how it feels to not be enough.

Warnings: Mentions of drinking, drugs, depression, slight PTSD.

A/n: if you ever need someone to talk to my Dms are always open! Just know you are enough and you are loved!

_

“That was definitely not the time I wanted to be tied up.” She says. She laughed along with everyone else with an easy smile on her face.

She made jokes to lighted everyone’s moods because she didn’t want anyone to feel how she truly did. She put on a front as a free, happy, careless girl who never let anything faze her.

No one saw how much of a toll it was taking on her and it was worth it she told herself. The three seconds of happiness she felt when she made someone laugh was worth it. Even when she went to her room at night curled up alone, her blanket being her only company.

“I’m going to get drinks. Anyone want one? Y/n?” Bucky raised an eyebrow.

She politely declined. Saying that she didn’t want a hang over tomorrow. What they didn’t know was the real reason she didn’t want to drink. They didn’t know that she was scared of ending up like her mother, who when in drunken state would say mean, vicious things. Telling her how worthless she is or how her life was ruined because of her or maybe she should go live with her father since she was so ungrateful.

Of course her mother would apologize the next day telling her she didn’t mean it and how she was just stressed from work. And Y/n would forgive her. Because no matter how much her mother would hurt her, she was all Y/n had.

Y/n watched as a girl walked up to Bucky while he was making a drink and as she laughed at whatever he said. No one knew her feelings for Bucky and she didn’t want them too. She didn’t want to be rejected. She didn’t want to lose one of her only closes friends. Even if he possibly did return her feelings She wasn’t naive enough to think they could last forever. And for her it was all or nothing. It was selfish. She was selfish. She wasn’t being harsh she told herself. How could she be too harsh if she deserved it?

She didn’t want to have a messy divorce like her parents. She didn’t want to come home after a long day at work to catch them cheating. She didn’t want to have a child out of desperation hoping maybe they’d stay. She didn’t want to have the midnight screaming match that woke up the neighbors. She didn’t want her husband to hit her after a disagreement. She’d rather be alone.

Sometimes Y/n had to put her mother to bed. Sometimes she have to cook, clean buy groceries, or get herself ready for school because her mother was either too drunk or too heartbroken to even get up from bed. 

She kneeled next to Peter rubbing his back as he threw up in the toilet. It was his first time drinking and he had a little to much. She told him it would be alright and that she was there for him. She told him everything she wished someone would have told her when she was his age.

She was always there to comfort someone after a mission or nightmare not matter how tired she was. She always made sure to tell someone thank you and telling them how much she appreciated them.

Y/n went to her room after walking Peter to his. Making sure to put a glass of water and Advil next to his bed for him tomorrow.

She slipped off her dress and looked into the mirror. She turned her body around inspecting it from each and every angle. What she saw made her want to throw up. There in the mirror was still the chubby kid from high school. The one boys would go to too ask for their friends number.

She was the one that could never eat in front of someone else without feeling like everyone was judging her. She was always make excuses when her friends wanted to go swimming say she was tired or she had homework.

Y/n tiptoed slowly down the hallway trying to stay quiet. She opened the window gently so she didn’t wake anyone up. Y/n lifted herself out of the window and onto the roof moving down carefully so she wouldn’t fall.

She leaned back on her elbows and looked up at the stars. To most people it was frightening how big the galaxy is and how small they are but to Y/n it was kind of freeing.

After a few minutes Y/n reached into her pockets and pulled out a blunt and a lighter. She put the joint in between her lips and brought the lighter up to light then end using her free hand to shield the fire from the windy night.

She inhale deeply holding it for a few seconds before blowing out through her nose. Y/n started to smoke her sophomore year when some kid after practice offered her a hit. She liked the high that weed gave her. It actually made her feel something. Even if it only lasted 30 minutes. Because She hated feeling so damn numb.

The window opened next to Y/n. She quickly blew out the smoke and tried to hide the joint just in case it was a drunken Peter wondering around out of bed.

But it was Bucky that peaked his head through the window much to her surprise. “Is this seat taken?” He questioned.

Y/n smiled and scooted over farther patting the seat next to her “Of course not. The more the merrier.”

Bucky climbed through the window and sat a few inches away from her she could the his body heat radiating off of him. He was wearing sweatpants and a shirt sleeve t-shirt.

Y/n went to put the blunt out but Bucky plucked it out of her fingers putting it between his thumb and index finger. He took a quick drag and flicked the ash off of the end.

Y/n’s eyebrows shot up in surprise “I didn’t know you smoked.”

Bucky laughed before taking another drag “I did a couple of time before basic. Though it was kind of hard because I knew Ma would have a fit if she found out.”

“Oh I can imagine it. Young Bucky Barnes fresh out of high school ready to rebel and see the world.” Sometimes she wonder what it would be like to wake up in another century. Everyone you know is dead. No one has expectations. And could start fresh being whoever you wanted to be.

The both laid their heads back and looked at each other. Bucky’s eyes were slightly dilated but had a small smile on his face. With it still in between his fingers he brought the blunt up to Y/n’s face. They held eye contact as she took another hit “Are you okay?”

Y/n turned her head slightly when she exhaled making sure to not blow the smoke into his face “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” She asked.

“You know I hear you come out here every night. After you think everyone’s gone to bed. Sometimes I think you just to be alone but we both know that’s not true.”

“I’m fine.” She forced out. Smiling at him to prove it. He didn’t look convinced.

He frowned at her. It wasn’t a look of pity. No it was more a look of sadness. She doesn’t know what caused her to do it but she reached out and brushed one of the curls that fell onto his forehead back. “You know I care about you right? I’d do anything thing for you.”

Y/n’s mouth went dry. She looked out at the sky to avoid eye contact. God how badly she had always wanted someone to say that. She all imagine him saying those exact words. But she never thought far enough ahead to what she would say back. Would she tell him how she felt? No, she didn’t want to get rejected. Would she tell him just to leave? Not that either because knew she’d probably regret it for the rest of her life. She sighed and hesitated before she asked. “Can you just stay.”

Bucky smiled and had a relieved look on his face. At first he looked like he was expecting her to decline. He pulled her into him wrapping his arms around her “Of course I will. I’ll stay for however long you’ll have me.”

[arcadia-city-stories-if]

early-ish in the relationship where no one has said the L word yet - if mc’s quietly tracing their finger on the ro’s skin and eventually the ro realizes mc’s writing “i love you” how would they react? 🥺

The sweet ones always take me the longest lol, sorry, Anon!

I did have one written for Claude/Claudia but I decided not to include it for *reasons* I still wanted to post the other four though.

Toni’s is also pre-relationship. Also for *reasons*

So, sorry about that!

They're under the cut because they're kinda long and I take up enough of peoples screens with my nonsense as it is lol

Murphy -

Murphy lies in bed, staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling.

The muscles in his arm flex as he unconsciously pulls MC closer to his side, their bare skin flush against his own, still fever hot and damp with sweat, leaving the sheet thrown loosely over them clinging awkwardly to their tired bodies.

It should be uncomfortable, but he barely notices.

His focus is elsewhere as MCs leg hooks over his own, their hand finding its way to his chest, running across his skin, back and forth, in a soothing pattern that brings a contented sigh to his lips. I could get used to this.

"I should probably go." His voice sounds worn, his throat sore, whether from too much use or not enough, he isn't sure. "It's going to be a long day tomorrow."

MC hums, a non-committal sound that leaves the decision firmly in Murphy's hands.

The silence stretches out as he tries to convince himself to leave. There's no reason to make this more complicated than it is. If MC wanted him to stay they would have said so. He should go home, take a shower and sleep in his own damn bed.

His thoughts are drawn to a halt as his attention falls to MC, a single finger tracing a nonsense pattern of whorls and loops against his skin...

Except it's not nonsense. And they aren't just whorls. And suddenly his heart is in his throat and there's nothing that he wants more than to hear them say those words out loud.

"I could stay. If you wanted me to."

MC hums again, punctuated it with a soft brush of their lips against his shoulder. He can feel their smile. "Goodnight Murphy."

Shae -

Shae brushes the grass from their trousers as they stand and take in the night sky. The moon is full and the sky clear, a perfect night for charging their crystals. They take a deep breath of the crisp night air and smile, they really do love their garden.

"So, now what?"

MCs voice cuts through the silence and Shae feels themself smile as they turn towards them. They hadn't expected MC to show any real interest in this side of their life, but it had been a pleasant surprise nonetheless. "Now, we wait."

MC nods and it takes all of Shae's effort not to laugh. They're not sure they ever seen MC look so unsure of what to do with themself. They watch as MC looks around before taking a seat on the back step, taking a minute to stare up at the night sky, the view drastically different than the view from their city apartment, no doubt.

Shae pulls their top tighter, wrapping their arms around themself as they take a seat next to MC, the air chilly but not unbearably so. Not yet, anyway.

The silence is comfortable, but Shae is still pleased when MC turns their way, a conspiratorial smile on their face, their voice hushed like they're sharing a secret.

"You know, my grandmother took me to a fortune teller once. She had a crystal ball and the incense smoke was so thick it stung my eyes." Shae raises an eyebrow, curious as to where MC is taking this when they reach out a hand, gesturing for Shae to do the same. "She told me she could read my whole future from just the lines in the palm of my hand."

Shae watches as MCs fingers slide across the back of their hand before turning it over, palm up in the moonlight, their focus intent as they start to trail along each of the lines there. Their voice turns soft as they both stare down at Shae's palm, and the letters now being written there. A silent confession, too loud a thing for the peacefulness of the night.

"I wonder what she would've seen in yours."

Callie -

Callie's laugh is full and rich as MCs hand dances over her bare ribs. She fights the urge to bat them away as MC tells her to stay still once again, seemingly determined to follow the trail of beauty marks that litter her torso.

"It tickles!" She complains loudly for the hundredth time, no real bite in her words as MC shrugs off her complaints, "Come on, Cal, I want to get it right at least once."

Callie rolls her eyes but acquiesces, the laughter quickly bubbling up once more as the gentle loops and curves send shockwaves rippling across her skin. "Enough, enough! I give!"

She pulls her body away from their touch before rolling even closer than before. Her fingertips lightly trace along MCs collar bone as she settles her body against theirs, her eyes sparkling. "Now do I get to have my way with you?"

Toni -

"I think you might be back-dead, dude."

Toni laughs as MC turns to playfully shove at their shoulder, dropping the raised shirt back into place and re-covering the bare skin of their back. "I am not! It's just impossible."

"Uh-huh." Toni hums in fake agreement, smiling to themself as they lean back against the railing, checking their pockets for their lighter. "Whatever you say."

MC rolls their eyes before producing the offending lighter from somewhere. Toni gives a nod of thanks before relighting their joint and taking a long inhale. Cocking their head to one side they consider the almost pouting MC and can't resist rubbing it in, just a little bit. "I'll prove it." They declare, confidently.

They shift in their seated position until they face out across the city, their back entirely to MC. They place the joint between their lips before raising their arms and pulling the back of their hoodie up, exposing their skin to the night air. "Try me."

There's a long moment when Toni thinks they're not going to do it, but when the exasperated sigh comes, they know they've won. They smile to themself as they take another hit, listening as MC shifts around behind them.

When MCs fingers finally brush against Toni's naked skin, neither of them miss the way their shoulders jump of their own volition, the muscles there rippling, as anticipation suddenly tears through them both.

There's a heavy moment of silence before Toni manages to force out a laugh, they're aiming for nonchalance, they're not sure if they manage it. "Well? Are you going to write something?" They glance back over their shoulder, a tight smile on their face. "Can't exactly prove you wrong otherwise, can I?"

MC levels them with a look that makes Toni's smile a lot less forced, before turning their attention back to the task at hand.

MC starts to write and Toni is pleased to find they have no trouble identifying the letters.

Then comes the second word.

By the third, Toni's eyes are pinched closed as they push down the urge to turn to MC, to say those words, to confess every thought they've had but never said, every feeling they've denied, every hope that just will not die no matter what Toni tells themself.

Instead, Toni laughs. "Damn." they say, shaking their head. "I guess you were right after all." The tone rings just convincingly enough that Toni almost flinches. Lies on top of lies.

They drop their shirt back into place, only half hearing whatever non-truth MC offers back to them. The knot in their stomach too distracting to ignore. They deserve better.