#at least i am aware of how i'm doing / able to recognize and admit when i want things :|

[bredforloyalty]

not gonna lie some days i feel so empty and desolate and so incredibly STARVED for sex and connection and tenderness and care and affection and romance. that i could die

[mylesw272]

Started the day at 5am, I actually got a good amount of sleep last night. I was running late again, I’m usually pretty early to sit in the parking lot. It’s okay I’ll try again bright and early tomorrow.

Allergy season has been kicking me lately. Sometimes I feel like such a grumpy old man. Everything in life starts to feel like too much and I just want to be left alone. It’s no one’s fault, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or it’s the full moon. There is no way to rid myself of everything “bad” so all I can do is my best to manage life with them. I don’t want to be full of negativity anymore so I’m choosing to let go. I need to keep track of my triggers and keep learning what to do in high pressure situations. If not that then, at least I’ll know when to admit when I am wrong. Change starts with my mind and how aware I am of my habits.

It’s only me vs me, before I used to think it was me against the world. I’ve noticed things do work out in my favor when I do the right things. I just need to find the balance in being alone to work on myself and still reaching out to my loved ones. I used to not be able to be alone too long without being lonely. I felt very lost when it came to who I was as a person, I thought I needed people to tell me who I was. I now know that I have to show people who I am, I’m the creator of that.

When I thought about shaving my head, I was so nervous that no one would like it or I would be judged. Ever since I did it though, a lot of people are usually shocked but say nothing bad I think. There are a lot of close friends and family who I haven’t personally told about my transition. I do want to be more open and honest about this journey to everyone. Most have told me I look more masc, I noticed the long hair before didn’t really helped me pass to strangers. Now most places I get hit with “sir” etc. I am starting to agree when people say that hair keeps trauma and energy. I feel like a new person with this look, not a lot of people recognized me the first few days. I never thought I would get to start passing so soon to be honest and I’m a bit shocked too. It took three barbers and a lot of advice but I think it worked out great.

I’m thinking about Yes I’m Changing by Tame Impala right now.

I used to listen to this one in high school when a good friend showed me this band and similar people in the genre. The title speaks for itself, I like the lyrics and instrumentals. Something about this just makes me feel real good, I like to blast it and close my eyes. It gives me hope that there’s room for growth, I won’t be this young forever. That’s a scary and calming thought all in one.

[enneagram-reblogs]

Seeing Signs of Growth, by Enneagram Type

From NineTypesCo by Steph Barron Hall.

Type One I know I'm growing when…

My self-talk is kind and compassionate. I admit when I'm wrong (without letting my inner critic take over). I am more accepting of myself and others. I take time to do what I want to do, not only what I "should" do. I choose to share emotional and even logistical burdens with others, rather than taking everything on alone. I am playful, carefree, and connected. I see all the things around me that are already good.

Type Two I know I'm growing when…

I can say "no" without guilt. I take good care of myself and know that I'm important. I make decisions out of the core of who I am rather than out of the fear of losing love. I'm just as curious about myself and my dreams as I am about everyone else's dreams. I soak up alone time and make space for activities I enjoy. I'm more in touch with how I'm truly feeling, and I'm able to share with trusted others. I know that my worth isn't defined by what I do for others.

Type Three I know I'm growing when…

I am aware of my own feelings, and I let them come to the surface. I don't take myself too seriously. I feel like I can breathe easily, and my shoulders are relaxed. I rest when I need to rest. I stop analyzing how people are perceiving me. I can be present in the moment without feeling the need to prove myself. I know deep down that I'm enough as I am: I don't need to perform, achieve, or compete to be worthy.

Type Four I know I'm growing when…

I don't ruminate on how everything I do impacts others. I have cultivated a lifestyle that supports me. I can be at ease with what I like and dislike, even if it's not special or unique. I'm able to feel my feelings without letting them overcome me. I appreciate what is good in life without feeling the need to balance it by focusing on what I'm missing. I feel all of life as it is, without feeling the need to blow things out of proportion or bury them. I know I'm not missing anything, there's nothing wrong with me, and I'm enough exactly as I am.

Type Five I know I'm growing when…

I seek out social interaction rather than running from it, and I seek out people who help me feel energized rather than depleted. I know I can't always think myself out of anxiety or fear, so I use tools aside from research to manage those feelings. I invite others to share in my hobbies (or at least partake in the final product).I express the connective emotions, like empathy, instead of keeping them inside. I feel my feelings in real-time. I prioritize my overall well-being, not just my brain. I remind myself that I don't have to be an expert to begin something new.

Type Six I know I'm growing when…

I trust myself and find freedom in making decisions. I don't need reassurance to know that my relationships are okay. I can easily see the best in others and in situations. I'm able to observe when I'm feeling suspicious of others and get curious about why that might be, rather than jumping to distrust. I trust that others have also done their homework, so I don't feel like I'm the only one who has thought of everything. I feel confident in myself and my choices, and I don't need to justify my thought process. I know I'm going to be okay.

Type Seven I know I'm growing when…

I can let others see me cry, and I'm okay with talking about negative emotions. I say no because I need to, and I don't worry about missing out. I am present in the moment without feeling the need to stir up excitement. I feel grounded and content in the present. I strike a balance between what I want to do and what I have to do. I am patient with others. I recognize when I'm feeling drained, and I slow down to care for myself.

Type Eight I know I'm growing when…

I approach life with openness and allow myself to be impacted by the world. I pause and gather all the necessary information before moving forward. I see my vulnerability and softness as beautiful parts of being human, rather than as weaknesses to hide. I give of myself gratefully without feeling the need to protect myself. I ask for help. I listen in a conversation without feeling the need to insert an opinion. I allow myself to be moved to joy, tears, or other strong emotions by those around me.

Type Nine I know I'm growing when…

I'm able to verbally process my thoughts and feelings. I know that if I speak up, it won't necessarily cause disconnection (and if it does, I'll be okay).I lean in instead of zoning out. I'm fully engaged in my life, my relationships, and my decisions. I advocate for myself and know that I have value to offer. I give myself the same respect and patience I offer to others. I take action on the things that need to get done, and I trust myself to show up for myself.

See the image version of this post!

[terra-feminarum]

Curious about ur tags on the "do we really need deodorent" post. I love perfume and my gf does too so idk what you mean when you say you can smell emotions such as desire. What are your experiences with that?? Have you had genuine social benefits like this from not having artificial scents blocking those signals? (Trying to ask this in the least creepy way possible.)

Thanks for your question. I'm not sure if I can decipher the smells of people I don't know well, but it's often very clear with people who are close to me. It's actually very useful to be able to know when someone is anxious even though they might hide it very well otherwise. I also very much enjoy smelling when someone is joyful and relaxed. Of course I can miss things, like I can miss visual cues of someone's state of mind. But smell is one more cue to notice.

When it comes to physical closeness and sex, smell is crucial. I believe one of the reason for all the perfumed products is that people want to have sex without being aware if the other person is really feeling it. Without artificial scents, it's obvious if there is or isn't mutual desire. It's an animal thing, no conscious reasoning is needed to analyze the smell, it's just very very obvious if someone wants you and you want them. It's also an actual social benefit to realize the lack of that smell. You can't fake a smell. The hookup culture would probably die without artificial scents.

I can also often tell if people are ill, and they don't have to be close to me. This is a bit tricky because sometimes I don't know if it's ok to bring up questions about someone's health, but if I smell sickness for a long period of time I do get concerned. I've recognized a serious illness on someone and smell was part of that, even though it was only one part of my reasoning. But it helped me to understand the whole picture better and bring up my concerns which were unfortunately confirmed later.

I think people should respect our animal instincts more and not be afraid of smelling like humans. And I don't mean being dirty and never washing your clothes, but having enough human smell for necessary communication. But that would mean not everyone would smell good at all situations. I believe because we're living very close to completely unknown individuals of our own species we need to wash away and hide our real smell to tolerate strangers so close to us. I admit, when I use public transport I'm happy if people have showered recently.

But I'm not sure if people smell bad even when they are dirty if they're your people. My partner never smells bad no matter how dirty and sweaty she actually is. And then again, most strange men smell like danger to me, and I think it's just healthy animal behavior to be wary of unknown males. This is a bit annoying at times because sometimes I get very alert just by walking in a hallway where a man has been before me, but I haven't yet deciphered why this smell is so much stronger on some males than others. This is something I'd love to know. Note, my sense of smell isn't very good at all, I think I've smoked enough to kill most of my olfactory receptors. I'm just interested in smells and I approach the world as the animal I am.

Oh, and while I believe some smells are kind of objectively perceived, like the smell of fear or illness, some probably depend on the context. Like men who smell off-putting and threatening to me might smell really lovely to their partners. And I believe the smell of desire is only obvious when it's mutual.

[pheonyxian]

Personal post

So, I've been quietly identifying as asexual for the past five or so years. Quietly, because the only people I've told are my online friends. And even then, I rarely bring it up in conversation or lean into it through icons and symbolism and stuff, even though many of my friends are very proudly pan/bi/ace/trans/non-binary. Part of it was because I just... didn't like being ace. It's kind of an isolating identity, but also because no matter where I looked, I felt like my experience was completely different than every ace community (tumblr, reddit, aven, etc.) Asexual felt right on paper, but talking about it beyond just the broad strokes made it obvious just how different I and most other aces actually understood sexual identity.

Same as aromantic. I didn't ever fully identify as aro but I was aware that it was a possibility, but same problems as above.

Separately, and a few years later, I also came to the conclusion that I have alexithymia. This was because when I get really upset, it feels like there's this physical disconnect between the part of my brain that feels the feels and the part that makes the words. Like, a literal 404 Page Not Found.

Recently though, I had a breakthrough that 1) my alexithymia is probably a lot worse than I originally realized, and 2) that my asexual-ness was related, if not completely stemming, from the alexithymia. I should point out that alexithymia (at least the version I have) is not having no emotions, but not being able to identify, speak, or connect with them. I usually won't realize that I feel sad, or angry, or even happy until I stop to think a bit. And even then, I usually recognize emotions through mental patterns rather than physical ones. It's always "wow I'm arguing with an imaginary person in my head, I must be angry" not "wow my heart's racing and I'm feeling hot, I must be angry."

A part of all that is that I also don't feel compelled to act on my emotions. Maybe this was caused by a coping mechanism for typical life bullshit (feel sad/angry/anxious? Too bad go to school and act normal or else you'll draw unwanted attention.) But that goes for positive emotions too. How am I supposed to recognize desire if the physical sensations that drive it only register as a weird, annoying feeling?

Once I realized this, things clicked into place much more than they did when I first identified as asexual. Identifying as ace made me feel worse, and I only continued to do it because I knew that there was something fundamentally different between what I was feeling and "normal." Restructuring my feelings as alexithymic feels so much better.

Also I feel like this gives me a little more permission to be horny on main. Not that I couldn't while being ace, but... I don't know, it just felt weird to say I was ace and then have my third most popular post in recent history being hornyposting about Warframe.

I'm not entirely sure whether I want to keep identifying as ace. Personally, I think it's valid to have your sexual/gender identity stem from neurodivergence, but whether that's what I want for me is... I dunno. Something to think about in the future. I'll admit though, I don't want to give up our cool flag.

Anyway, thanks to my friends, who are always there for me even though I rarely talk about my feelings out in the open. And anyone who's following me for funny posts who happened to read to the end as well.

[mondaymelon]

sleep tight, love. pt 1 (tsukasa x rui x gn!reader)

warnings/notes! poly relationship, fluff, reader is in a sleepover with the two of them

(a/n) requested by an anon! thank you ♡ im making two parts of this because i feel like it hehe ^^ note that my requests are currently open at the time of writing this! enjoy ✩

˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚

The moment Tsukasa had saw you, he knew you would be a star.

You were auditioning for your favorite musical group, Wonderlands x Showtime, and had miraculously gotten in. Little to your knowledge, two pairs of watchful eyes had been trained on you the entire time. As soon as you began preforming the first act, your voice steady and movements precise, Tsukasa turned to Rui, who was sitting beside him, and fiercely whispered, "They're in."

Rui smiled. "Already?"

"Are you disagreeing with my judgement? Me, the Mr. Future Star?" Tsukasa puffed up with pride, sending a challenging look at the man beside him.

"No, not at all." Rui shook his head, smiling softly. "I'm just surprised you took a liking for them so fast."

"Ooh! I know- we should have a welcome party of sorts and invite them over to our house for like a sleepover or something! ...Or, would that be too rambunctious considering we just saw them for the first time about 2 minutes ago...?" Tsukasa paused, pondering his options before finally shrugging.

The purple-haired man beside him agreed. "That seems like a good idea, but we should at least let them warm up to us first."

"Alright then! It's a plan!"

⁺˖ ⁺˖ ⁺˖ ⁺ 🕤 ⁺˖ ⁺˖ ⁺˖ ⁺

It had been a month since you had joined WxS. Since then, the group had put on several shows, ones that you were always happy to join in on. You quickly befriended everyone in the group - the bubbly Emu, shy Nene, proud Tsukasa and somewhat brooding Rui. You weren't too sure what to think of them just yet, but you were glad to be able to finally interact with your favorite performers. All your impressions of them were positive as well, but you hadn't gotten the chance to exclusively get to know them that well yet, which disappointed you more than you'd like to admit.

Still, you appreciated and loved all of them.

You had been keenly aware of two pairs of watchful eyes following you ever since you had gotten into the group. They certainly didn't bear any malicious intent, at least you hoped not, but you were just perplexed.

did i do something wrong? am i going to get kicked out and are they just trying to find a way to tell me? ugh... i shouldve known not to get my hopes up...

"Hey! Wait up!" A familiar voice from behind called to you, and you immediately flinched before turning around nervously.

i knew it... theyre going to kick me out, arent they?

"Y-Yes?" You hadn't meant to stutter, but when you were hesitant, it just happened. "Sorry, what can I do for you?" Glancing at the person in front of you - correction - people, you recognized Tsukasa and Rui.

"There's no need to be so nervous!" Tsukasa began. "Since it's been a bit since you joined, we wanted to host a welcome party for you! Rui and I will be there, and it'll be a sleepover! How does that sound?" He gestured to himself, then Rui, respectively, before turning his gaze back to you with sparkling amber eyes.

"...Wait- so, you aren't going to kick me out of the group?"

Tsukasa and Rui both blinked. "What... made you think that?" Rui laughed nervously. "Did we come on a little too headstrong?"

"Not at all! Just... nevermind. I'd be happy to come!" A wave of instant relief hit you as you beamed at them. "What time should I be there? And could you guys text me the address?"

"Of course! What's your number, again? I don't think I have you as a contact." Rui sent you a charming smile, holding out his phone. You took it from him, fingers accidentally brushing against his as you did. You didn't seem to pay any mind to it, but Rui certainly did, handing over the phone swiftly before covering his lightly flushing face with his hand.

"Are... you okay?" You questioned, glancing up at him while adding yourself as a contact to both his and Tsukasa's phones.

"You needn't worry," Rui smiled. "I'm fine." He took his phone back from you, Tsukasa mirroring the action. The blonde glanced down at the screen, nodding approvingly at your contact.

"Okay then!" He beamed, sending you the address. "Then I'll see you all at six!" With that, the three of you bid farewells, Tsukasa and Rui going in one direction with you going in the other.

-- end of part 1.

masterlist next

[sylusjinwoon]

{ 17 }

seems you cannot be replaced, and i'm the one who will stay.

mikey sano x fem.reader

warnings: mentions of injuries and blood

mikey sano needed you, he thinks to himself as he struggles to keep himself upright against the building.

it was a careless mistake on his part. he had left his guard down for the briefest of seconds when members from a rival gang cornered him. he fought them off with ease, damn near coming out of it victorious had it not been the sudden sneak attack coming from behind him.

the last thing he remembered before falling into an absolute rage was a sudden flash of silver and how the blade was suddenly stabbed into his side. the cowards took this chance to leave him for dead then, running away with their bloodied noses all while taunting him "you're dead meat, sano!!"

the pain was excruciating- taking his very breath away as he struggled to remain upright. he had wanted to do something for you, to buy you your favorite snacks when the attack suddenly happened a few feet away from the convenience store.

a part of him felt disappointed for being unable to make you happy, but he had to push through and focus on coming home, on coming back to you.

if he was going to die, then he sure as hell wanted the last sight he would ever see to be you.

he didn't care if droplets of his blood left a trail;

he didn't care if it became increasingly harder to breathe with every step he took;

he used your visage to give him the strength he needed to come home.

mikey was quickly fading fast, the last thing he did was pull out the damn knife just as he used the last bit of his strength to pound at your door. with the weapon tossed aside, he falls to the floor from the excessive blood loss.

he was dimly aware of the way you called out his name, picking up his weakened form to the best of your abilities as you laid him on the carpeted floor of your living room. "mikey mikey, baby, sweetheart, can you hear me? oh god, w-what happened?!"

he wanted nothing more than to wipe your tears away, but there was an almost animalistic desperation seen in your eyes when you took off your shirt to press against the wound on his side. you were trembling so badly, and all mikey wanted to tell you was how good you were to him- how he would never leave you alone.

"at least it was me and not you, baby." he weakly admits to you with a smile, eyes becoming dilated as he traced at your features with a shaky hand, "i'll protect you with my life, because you're my light; the one thing that keeps my darkness at bay."

"mikey please, stop talking. l-let me call for help, let m-me call ken."

he was quickly fading fast, and he forces your head down to meet with his lips in a last, crushing kiss. "i love you, my light."

even when he was dying, he was determined to make sure his final words was the confession of the undying love he had for you.

the last thing he remembers was your anguished cry of his name before giving himself up completely to the darkness.

━━━☆

a cold chill was felt going through his body as mikey shivered in response. his skin felt cold and clammy to touch, and there was a painful ache felt against his side.

slowly, mikey opens his eyes, finding himself back in his dimly lit bedroom while settled on his back in bed. he was dressed in only a pair of sweatpants with a shit ton of adhesive bandages around his wound. he was achingly aware of a weight settled directly on top of him and struggled to get a good look at who had taken residence directly on top of him.

upon recognizing the sounds of your breathing and the gentle thrum of your heartbeat, mikey lies back down with a grunt, tracing circles against your back all while staring at the ceiling. "is this...heaven? am i dead, and did i take you with me?"

a sudden snort takes him out of his daydreams, revealing your pretty face pouting at him as you rest your chin against his naked chest, "no, you're in our bedroom. i called ken and he was able to save and patch you up before putting you in bed for me."

mikey watches as you bit down on your bottom lip. "you're an idiot, you know that?"

there it was again: the glistening in your eyes that served as a telltale sign that you were about to cry. he hears you sniffle a few times before burying your face back into his chest, "never go out for ice cream alone at night ever again."

not wanting you to feel any amount of guilt for what had transpired, mikey turns on his childish charm and wraps his arms around your form. he ignores the sharp pain still felt against his side before telling you, "ahh, but i was craving for some dorayaki, too! the ice cream was just an added bonus because i love you."

what sounds like a mix between laughter and a choked sob comes out of your pretty lips, making you crawl up towards mikey to give him a kiss that conveyed your happiness.

it was a kiss filled with desperation. gone was the prior softness you and mikey once shared in your prior kisses together. this kiss was one that made your heart beat faster, coming alive again as you felt the love you kept for mikey burning from within you. it was a kiss filled with clashing teeth and tongues dancing around one another as you silently thanked him for once again doing the impossible:

surviving even the most brutal of attacks, just to get back to you.

when the need for air proved to be too strong, mikey pulls away from you to whisper against your bruised lips, "fuck, i love you so damn much. all i was thinkin' about was gettin' back to you. the last thing i wanted to see was your beautiful face, and i'm so damn lucky that i'm still here, with you in my arms."

with a fake scowl on your face, you gently flick at mikey's forehead, earning a childish whine from him, "h-hey! that was mean!"

"never do that to me again." you give him a smirk before leaning closer to him, about to kiss him again all while warning him, "by the way, ken promised to put you back in your place after the little stunt you pulled, so expect a good beating from him once you're fully healed."

all stories are written by rei; reposts, translations, and plagiarism are not allowed.

[rivalsforlife]

I think you said something a while ago about Kay having complicated feelings in a scenario where Edgeworth adopts Trucy and I am. Intrigued.

Hello yes I think I did! I can't take full credit for the idea though because I talked about it a lot with people in toni laquilasse's stream server. just so that's out there.

it's in a hypothetical situation where there is narumitsu (of course) and in my head it's like... dd/soj era or later. Edgeworth and Phoenix get married. as a part of this Edgeworth adopts Trucy, who is 16/17/18. Kay at this point is uhhh 25/26/27. So she's well into adulthood at this point which I think is important to note, and is pretty mature, and has now been without a father for the majority of her life and made her peace with it unlike in aai-era.

The way I see Edgeworth's relationship with Kay in AAI-era and afterwards is kind of like... Kay really sees him as a father figure in part because he canonically reminds her a lot of her dad and in part because of how protective he was over her in aai2. But being 17 and Practically An Adult, and fairly independent for her age, and having Father Issues, she doesn't really voice this. (Father Issues including of course Byrne dying which was a traumatizing event, but also personal headcanons regarding her relationship with Badd, who was extremely close to her and like a second father to her (or literally a second father if you go the byrnebadd route) but then following Byrne's death he tried to distance himself from her for her own safety ("Kay... I'm truly sorry. I wanted... nothing but a peaceful life for you...") so that does some subconscious stuff for her as well. ... and I could go on a bit more about my Kay self-worth headcanons but I won't right now.) Kay also is very aware that Edgeworth is emotionally repressed. And would never really suspect that he thinks of her in a daughterly way, insert my forgotten turnabout thoughts I swear I'll one day write out here.

Similarly Edgeworth feels many fatherly feelings towards her as seen by aai2 again. He wants to protect her and make sure she grows up safe and worries about her getting into trouble and all that. But he has Emotional Repression! It'd take a pretty major incident for him to voice that much. And his own Father Issues contribute to this all as well so that he might not even consciously recognize her as a daughter figure and definitely not voice it. It's a weird combination of "not wanting to accidentally turn out like Manfred" (though he gets over this one first) and then "not being able to live up to Gregory's standard" (which takes. significantly longer.)

So basically with their respective emotional issues and Kay being 17 and Edgeworth only being ten years older than her, which I do admit isn't much of a gap for parent-child-type relationships, neither of them ever voice any of this but they're fine with that, they're still close and all that stuff.

Edgeworth presumably gets over his "I wouldn't be a good father" issues before adopting Trucy officially. And Kay is of course very happy about this because her friend/father-figure is married and has a child and it means he's gotten over a lot of his emotional issues. And I'm sure she adores Trucy because who doesn't adore Trucy? And she (in her mind) doesn't really have any reason to be upset because she's in her mid-late twenties and has been an orphan for over fifteen years and obviously her relationship with Mr. Edgeworth is different from his relationship with Trucy and all that etcetera etcetera. but she is a little bit jealous.

Trucy happened to come into his life at the right emotional point (... or at least was around at the right emotional point) and is the right age and with the right excuse for Edgeworth to confront his emotional issues (marrying Phoenix). All things that Kay didn't have. And while she managed to grow up just fine without a consistent strong father figure and she's in a better place now than she was in her teens, when she sees Edgeworth acting towards Trucy the way he used to act towards her, she feels some amount of jealousy that she didn't get to have that secure well-defined father-daughter relationship when she was Trucy's age. Even though when she was 17 she thought she was just fine without a parent, it was something that would have been nice to have in her life. Edgeworth wasn't incapable of it the whole time. The timing just wasn't right. Insert aai2 related thoughts of "Kay subconsciously doesn't seem to understand why anyone would want to protect her or risk anything for her" here.

This doesn't really fester for long and I'm sure it gets sorted out eventually I don't think this is really something that's going to build up into a super angsty situation haha. either Kay goes "haha that's a weird emotion! time to repress that!" or somehow she and Edgeworth end up having an honest emotional conversation (which would take a miracle probably but be very good for both of them) since I do think Edgeworth at this point would admit he sees her in a similar view as Trucy, if prompted. In both cases Kay and Trucy are adults/near adults, he has not been with them their whole childhoods, they had/have another father who was more prominent in their life (Byrne vs Phoenix), Miles feels rather secondary to that and definitely doesn't want to try to replace that relationship, because he knows he can't. nor does he want to.

This is already very long so I'll stop here. I Just Think They're Neat. Hope this was coherent and at least a little bit interesting to think about!

[cordiae]

Morning Sex or Evening Sex?

Loud or Quiet?

Ball Gag or Muzzle?

Pillow Princess or Power Bottom?

take your time answering those, sweetheart.

--🖤🔪

Noooooo. You are too smart, my heart. Take my time-- you KNEW these would be hard to decide between. These are DIFFICULT.

Menace.

Morning or evening-- fuck I just-- already, how am I supposed to decide? Evening is wonderful because we get to just go for ages and ages and afterwards I don't need to be coherent at all until the next day, and I get to curl up and have you as my warm and wonderful pillow-- sleeping with you is so good, it's so mundane and it's one of my favourite things-- but with morning sex it's easier to play into my thing for somno and start when I'm hardly awake, or just wake me up like that and it's so good waking up like that-- when I'm not aware enough to just-- fuck. I have to decide. I suppose-- fuck this is hard-- I suppose... evening..? No meds to worry about in the evening, nothing that could put a time limit on us or have to be an interruption. Which, that's a factor in the morning.

Loud or Quiet-- well, I will admit... loud. Loud over quiet. It's embarrassing to be so loud but it still-- I do very much enjoy when I'm so far gone it doesn't matter anymore. And... you like it. You like it when I'm loud and I can feel it and it feels so good to just be... uninhibited like that. To not be able to hide anymore just because I can't manage it at all. I love it.

Ball gag or muzzle-- finally a relatively simple one-- ball gag. Definitely. Definitely far more inclined towards the ball gag-- you know how I love having something in my mouth. Just making me have my mouth open, letting saliva run down my chin or my cheek depending on position, any sound I make muffled-- lovely. Muzzle seems like just a way to keep me from biting, and you like when I bite. Just doesn't suit me, I think.

Pillow princess or power bottom-- I think we know what the real answer is here. As much as I do enjoy both--and like to think I at least spend SOME amount of time in control-- we both know how quickly I melt. You try anything to take that control and I give it up so quickly. Can't resist you, can I? And I hardly ever even try. Just can't keep from giving you that power and getting lost in it. I'm weak for you, I always have been-- and when I'm in control it's less power bottom and more spending the entire time very vocally loving you and ensuring you spend the entire night in bliss, as much as I am capable of it.

And I recognize much of this answer is very targeted-- I suppose much of the same answers apply to other individuals, although in different ways.

Sort of-- everything's more open with you. For random encounters-- evening, quiet, gag, power. For closer people, quiet and power are debatable.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

I have a story regarding to "The Twitching Generation" or at least similar to it.

I have a female cousin who's dearly close to my family and she self-diagnosed herself with narcolepsy because she's constantly falling asleep during the day mostly of the time but her mom already took her to see a doctor and made several tests even with a polysomnography multiple times and they found nothing wrong with her. Her blood is clean, there's no disease or disorder of any kind that they could find in her.

So, what's causing her to fall asleep during the day? Well, her mom admitted during a lunch that she's always sleeping very late after midnight like between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. and wakes up very late almost at noon, plus she doesn't eat properly and eat junk food and is addicted to social media. Here's the worst part: my cousin denies everything and insists that she has a medical condition despite having medical evidence that contradicts her.

This is the most eye-opening and shocking thing I've encountered in first-hand. Her family and my family have tried everything to convinced her to change her lifestyle since what she's dealing with could've been addressed easily with a 9-hour sleep, healthy food and less usage on the internet but she refuses to do that.

It's really sad to see someone, especially a family member destroy themselves for an irrational belief.

This is a great example of the problems with self-diagnosis and self-identification, and the devastation it brings.

Self-diagnosis isn't great. Even a trained professional might need to get you into an MRI or take a biopsy or something to be able to accurately diagnose you, and yet you think you can just read WebMD and accurately diagnose yourself? No.

Interesting how you never see self-diagnosers diagnose themselves with pancreatic cancer, liver failure, multiple sclerosis or malignant narcissism. They always seem to be the quirky, yet transparent ones that attract attention and sympathy, justify their behavior - which is sort of like "I can't help it, I'm a Scorpio!" - or both.

It wouldn't necessarily be so bad on its own. You look up your symptoms and try to guess what you've got. You go to the specialist and you find out "oh, I don't have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I have Type 2 diabetes because I eat like every day is Halloween, boy do I feel silly."

When the self-diagnosed condition becomes a part of the individual's personal identity, it becomes threatening to suggest otherwise. To paraphrase Kimberlé Crenshaw, 'we all can recognize the distinction between the claims "I am Narcoleptic" and the claim "I am a person who happens to have Narcolepsy."' To question any of this is to be regarded as some kind of bigot or hater for not celebrating this identity.

It also seems pseudo-religious when you think about it. What would convince her that she didn't have narcolepsy? When I ask a similar question to the religious, the answer, stated proudly and confidently is "nothing. Nothing could convince me that my god is not real." If you got an answer like that from her, you can be certain she's not rational and her belief is just as faith-based.

Since social capital is now calculated on acquiring "marginalized identities" and perceived "victimhood," not on ideas and values, it's even worse to dare point out that they don't have a condition at all, and are remarkably ordinary. That would be the worst thing of all.

It would be interesting to ask her about an article that you read, that she's no doubt well aware of, about an injection you can get every two months which will eliminate narcolepsy entirely. And whether she will be getting it. I would put money on her "narcolepsy" being the "wrong kind" or some other excuse.

What's really gross is that there are people who actually have narcolepsy, DID, Tourette's and other conditions who would love nothing better than to wave a magic wand and just be merely ordinary, to fit within the statistical bellcurve called "normal."

And then you have people mapping their personality traits or flaws onto these serious conditions and adopting them as an aesthetic, trivializing them in the process.

[readythefanons]

desk dispatch (early May 2023)

writing desk updates from your pal reddy

desk status: under control (patches of the desk's surface are visible, and the stacks do not exceed 3 inches in height = manageable but in the middle of some things)

General notes from April:

I used April's camp NaNo (NaNoWriMo=national novel writing month, which is in November. Camp NaNo is for self-set goals and is held in April and July) to work on an outline! I outlined the Petra/Sylvain fic, and I wrote about 10k >_> the outline is mostly there, but there are a few sections in the middle that could use some more attention

I finally succeeded in winning the "write every day" achievement for (camp) NaNo!!!!!

I posted "Place" in April which is an Adopted!Hilda AU. If you're reading this post, you probably saw at least one of the eleventybillion promos I scheduled for the fic. (five. It was five.) I started that fic in 2020, so it feels great to post it

What's in the can: NOTHING. I have nothing lined up to post. But...

The Leonie fan anthology (AKA Sunflower: A Leonie Fanzine) is shipping/has shipped! I have a fic in that one, and I hope that soonish I'll be able to post that fic to AO3 :) That piece is titled "not a circle, but a spiral"

I am poking the Leonie/Lorenz SciFi AU again. In a fit of productivity, I re-outlined the thing and I hope to poke the draft itself soon.

I wrote and edited 3k of thoughts on pronouns and personhood in the book Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie. When I finally hit post on that, you'll see it on my book blog @reddy-reads but I might also bump it over here because why not. embarrassment is for other people. (disclaimer: not every blog on tumblr with "reddy" in the name is connected to me, i promise)

Miscellaneous thoughts: outlining

I might... love... outlining? To be determined. But it felt so good to work on the Petra/Sylvain outline, and it felt good to work on the SciFi AU outline. So IF these fics actually get written, then I might never go back to my no-outline ways.

What I liked about it: it was so satisfying to think about all the parts of the story and how they were supposed to fit together. It was useful to be able to plan out which characters would show up when and where. It was useful (but often felt bad) to realize that certain scene ideas I had weren't working (usually because there wasn't enough concept there). It was SO much easier to go "wait this isn't working" after only writing a few sentences instead of pages and pages. It was much easier to go "oh I need to introduce X earlier" in an outline than after writing (and posting!!!) whole chapters. It feels good to have a plan about where the story goes and how it reaches the ending.

Outlining (it's new to me): My other multichapter fics ("all things considered could be worse" in Netflix!Daredevil fandom, and of course the "Pull It Together" duology) were written without an outline! I knew generally what I wanted to happen and how the ending should feel, but I didn't know how I was going to get from A to Z.

(Actually... those fics BOTH started as oneshot responses to prompts on kinkmemes... and... the Petra/Sylvain fic was inspired by a post on a kinkmeme, and it was originally conceived as a oneshot. So, uh, credit for finally recognizing a pattern!)

Why I'm finally trying outlining: I've become increasingly aware that I have limited time and energy. I wish I didn't. I wish I felt limitless, but the last few year-or-so has just taught me that I only have so much bandwidth. (Which is a good lesson, even/especially if it's not really welcome.) So since I'm admitting that I have limited time and energy, why shouldn't I help myself spend more time doing what I enjoy (writing!) and less time doing what I dislike (not writing because I'm stuck). So that's part of why I have this fresh interest in outlining.

The other thing about outlining is that--well Leonie and Lorenz's stories were fundamentally pretty simple. The Matt & Foggy (Daredevil again) story was even simpler because it was a slice of life. It was hard to get truly lost there. The Petra/Sylvain story needs to fit together a little more precisely, and that means prewriting. AKA writing the whole thing, then editing and posting. I'm not looking forward to giving up my post-as-you-go ways, but maybe I'll end up loving it.

The last part of the "why suddenly outline and prewrite" puzzle is a little... uh... it's a little sensitive. I have ideas about Petra and Brigid that I want to express, but the themes involved (colonialism/imperialism) are delicate. I want to give myself the option of really thinking it through & maybe even getting an extra set of eyes on it before putting it out on the whole internet to see.

So that's why I haven't been posting as much. I'm cooking up something big, I hope people will like it.

Final goodies

Fic rec: Ruu has written a Leonie/Lorenz fic called "Of Conduct, Of Manners." The Jane Austen influence wafts off the page. It updates regularly, and the whole thing is already written :D :D :D

Writing podcasts: I like the writing podcast "Writing Excuses" and "Fiction Writing Made Easy with Savannah Gilbo."

Media podcasts: I still adore "Be the Serpent." It's on hiatus but they have an extensive back catalogue. I got so many great media recommendations from them.

Writing essays: I enjoyed Diane Duane's blog post about her outlining style and approach. I used her "grocery shopping list" and it really helped me build my outline's backbone.

Writing essay 2: A discord pal shared this post with me, which helped me get past an outlining block. The bit about "stop writing scenes you don't want to write" was the magic ingredient for me.

Meal Idea: Vegetarian sushi bowl. Make some rice, season it into sushi rice. Add all the yummy veggies you want. Eat and enjoy. (I made the sushi rice, but then I mixed some riced cauliflower into it for extra bonus veggies. For topping I did avocado w a sprinkle of soy sauce, finely cut carrot, Japanese pickles [cucumber and ginger], and edamame. I also had nori to wrap it as I ate because I loooove seaweed.)

[bored-storyteller]

@severnrose honey, I shouldn't have preferences but how could I wait to write for you and Xiao?

Dear Xiao, sweet Xiao, thank you for asking, I have good reasons to love you :3

60- Genshin Impact, Xiao x Reader (angst/comfort)

From the prompt list

17- "Am I the reason you cry every night?"

33- "Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?"

For Xiao you are like a little sparrow, so fragile and so free at the same time. He never understood what bad star forced you to meet with him, it was something so unlikely that it might have seemed ironic, but still he never tried to put you in a cage. You didn't deserve it. Sure, you're an absurd being, sometimes annoying, sometimes inconsistent and stupid, but you're also something he never bothered to find, a free kindness and a relief he always knew he didn't deserve.

So he never wanted to condemn you to a relationship with someone like him.

For this reason, when the darkness inside him had become heavier, when he realized he had gone too far, he pushed your worried eyes away from him. It was his job to protect you too, and he hadn't noticed the wound he had inflicted on you.

He is never too kind with words, he doesn't talk much and when he does he is never able to sweeten his sentences. It has always gone well with you.

Yet this time something was different; maybe he had been worse without realizing it, or maybe you were more fragile than usual, but he immediately opened a cruel door in front of you and a wave of awareness hit you. Yes, you were nothing but a burden to him.

Xiao hadn't seen you since that day. Or rather, he had happened to see you around, as always, doing your chores, helping where there was need, but he had no longer had the opportunity to be with you, alone, as you used to do from time to time, maybe in the evening, under the stars.

Initially he hadn't done anything, he hadn't thought of anything either. You were simply too busy, as he was, on the other hand.

But one night, about to give way to the morning, while he was checking his wounds, your sobs had come to him, and so did the next night, and the one after that.

He found himself listening to your silent cry every night, and he watched over you, albeit from a distance. And when he reluctantly had to walk away, he cursed anyone who caused you that unspoken suffering. If only you wanted to tell him he would be ready to protect you, again. But again, you were a fragile, free little bird, and he wasn't enough for you, he wasn't enough to take the pain away from your heart. Someday in the near future that would pass, everything passes for mortals, and maybe he could see you smiling again under the stars. This was what he believed - or hoped for.

But in one of those dark moments, your call rang in his ears and vibrated in his bowels. Wherever he was, he recognized his name spoken by you, in the agony of your nights.

He had joined you immediately, he had immediately appeared there, standing at your bedside.

Your name had escaped his lips perhaps too quickly, and for a few seconds he waited for an answer that never came. In its place, your sobs continued soft and distressed, your body curled up under the pale sheets.

He should have sensed right away, that yours was just a moan in your sleep, but somehow it had been necessary for him to chase the chance to see you again. How long had he not seen you?

Your suffering face made his heart tremble; he would have devoured your nightmares if you asked him.

He again spoke your name, his hand shaking you slightly, trying to tear you out of your dream.

Your reaction had been more violent than he expected and had broken the composure of the Adeptus for a moment, making him move backwards, taken by surprise. However, he thought it was normal, given the sudden awakening.

"Xiao!" His name had been uttered by your voice in amazement, but it was soon abandoned as you took your eyes off his figure "What are you doing here?"

The delicate face of the millennial Yaksha frowned in perplexity. Even now that he was there in front of you, did you persist in hiding your torments from him?

"You called me." His response was swift and straightforward, as always.

"I'm sorry ... I didn't mean to, I'm really sorry." Your apologies were fragile and uncertain.

Xiao let out a slight sigh, while his dark lashes lowered to the precious gold irises.

"Why don't you tell me?" The question he asked you later was unexpected, and for a moment you shivered at the authority of his voice, but he didn't realize "What happened?"

"Nothing." You cut it short and it irritated him. You knew how to be so stubborn when you wanted to.

"I hear your sobs every night."

He didn't want to utter those words as an accusation, maybe he hadn't even done it, but suddenly you stiffened and bowed your head even more, guilty.

"I'm sorry…!" Now your voice was broken and desperate, and a doubt began to creep into Xiao's mind as slimy as a snake.

How long haven't you called him? Why weren't you looking at him? Why weren't you smiling at him anymore?

"Who ... has anyone hurt you?" Now it was he who had lost confidence in his voice.

"Nobody ... really." You had obviously made an effort to stay calm, and somehow reassure him. But even though he didn't really understand human emotions, even though he was a different and detached creature, he could sense you.

"It's me…?" He couldn't explain why, but he felt like he was hurting himself "Am I the reason you cry every night?"

Your silence was a new pain for him. You didn't dare look at him, because it was hard for you to admit how much his distance and his disappointment had upset you.

But behind his sweet stoic face he prayed to have your eyes on him, he prayed for you to remove that horrible, strange feeling that made its way inside him, at least until he was forced to turn his back on you.

Xiao is used to pain and suffering, but that time something had changed. It was something new, something he never wanted to try.

A fist clung to his chest, and he trembled. How long had his hands no longer been shaking?

He thought he was about to give in, he believed that finally his heart would break under the weight of the new, umpteenth, fault of him.

He felt the physical need to vent that sudden wave of suffering that had hit him. He wanted to cry, but Xiao didn't know what it meant to cry, so he didn't, and he just vanished, not even looking at you.

It was the only thing he could do to protect you, right? If he was the cause of your suffering, then he would no longer exist for you. It didn't matter what he did, he didn't even ask himself, he just knew he hurt you. After all, he must already know that this was his destiny.

...

You never called him again, and Xiao never showed up again. Yet, although he endured this condition with the same resignation with which he endured every painful task of him, he realized that the selfish desire he had for you had not ceased. He didn't know how to call it by name, he just knew that it was really selfish, on his part, to expect that a little bird like you at least a little bit remained attached to him.

However, even if you despised him, even if he could no longer hear your voice or your laugh even though you were still breathing, somehow at least he hoped to remain present in your memory.

So every morning a flower was placed on your window sill. He never brought you the same type of flower two consecutive days. He didn't admit it to himself, but he wanted at least in one corner of your mind the whole Liyue to remind you of him. The scent of its flora, its colors and the sweetness of it, he hoped that even if you didn't want those things would make you think of that cruel guardian. Not that Xiao dared compare himself to flowers, no, but certainly those flowers could be compared to you for him.

The Adeptus wasn't good with words, but he was capable of meaningful and powerful gestures - it was something you loved about him.

You didn't need to know that those flowers came from him - even if it was unlikely they were someone else's gifts - and he relied on your kindness to accept them with a smile.

For a while it had worked. Even though he could no longer see you and have you around, that little contact you maintained had given him a sense of peace. In evil it was that little drop of good that gave him the relief he needed.

But he couldn't deserve that either.

One morning, when the first rays of the sun began to paint the earth with the warm colors of dawn, he came to your window. The Glaze Lily he had plucked for you had remained clasped in his hands as his eyes painfully gazed upon the Qingxin he had given you the previous day, left to itself on the windowsill, away from your care.

It was so, even the thought of him you could no longer bear.

The flowers stopped coming and Xiao stopped hoping. He only prayed that Rex Lapis would see your sweetness and cherish it with love, without needing you to endure the protection of a cursed Adeptus.

...

Xiao wanted to see you again, but certainly not right now.

The first thing his mind thought was nothing, then immediately afterwards he wondered which Archon had to thank for not killing you during his battle, and then all that was important was that you were standing in front of him, and looking at him, even if from a distance.

His mask frees his face as soon as his eyes settle on you. How long had he not seen you? For a moment the pain disappears, a wonderful, ephemeral second of peace. And then again the weight of darkness falls upon him.

He should run away, run away from your sight, but like under a spell he is stuck in his place, and you still don't run away.

You are pale and scared, your eyes full of tears. How much have you seen? How long have you been there?

It doesn't matter if the blood that covers him is that of his enemies, of those who want to harm those like you, all that matters is how Xiao now appears before you: a figure disfigured by the red of shattered life, a devouring demon .

He should go, but you call him.

"Xiao ..." His name in your voice is a desperate breath as it is sweet, and you run to meet him in your anguish.

He can't look at you, not when he's like that. He looks at the ground covered in repulsive liquids, without having the courage to meet your judgment. He would have liked to see you again, but now he is ashamed of who he is, he is ashamed of being Alatus, of being the Conqueror of Demons and the Eater of Dreams, he is ashamed of being Xiao before your pure eyes.

Now you are a few steps away, he hears you, but you are afraid to approach. He wonders why you ever even wanted to come close to him again, was it your good heart that pushed you to do it?

"Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?" He did not want to ask that question, yet he posed it in front of you limpid and clear, as his "no" always are.

If he could die he would no longer distress you, nor would he hurt you, nor would he make you cry. If he could die, all aeons of unspoken pain would disappear. If he couldn't exist, everything would be better. But he can't, he has to live.

"If we are such a heavy burden to you why do you continue to protect us?" Yours is not a nasty question asked, it is rather a sweet worry distorted by insecurity.

His golden eyes return to immerse themselves in yours by instinct, without really wanting to.

"It's my duty, it's my ..." Xiao realizes he can't speak "But you're not ..." he tries again, but he can't.

He can't explain that knot blocking his throat and voice, which he can't spit or swallow.

It is my duty, my contract. But you are not a burden, you will never be.

His eyelids drop again and his head bows in chagrin. You are everything in front of him, and he is nothing in front of you.

"Don't look at me ..." is all he can tell you "You don't have to see me like that."

He was convinced that you didn't want to see him anymore, he was convinced that you wanted to forget him, but then why did your trembling hands rest so lovingly on his face?

"You are so beautiful Xiao." Your broken voice was asking him desperately to believe you, and he in front of your face now so close to him has no way to escape.

The misunderstandings between you two, the pain and the fear, no longer mattered.

Your arms gently encircle his chest and your head rests on his shoulder, without asking for permission, but he won't be the one to walk away, not now that he's found you.

"I'll get you dirty." He murmurs.

"It does not matter." You answer him softly.

You have no respect for the ways of the Adepti, but that is precisely why he needs you.

"Please be happy to live, Xiao."

[skipps-writes-for-gojo-satoru]

A short thread I found about Gojo's character that helps shine a light to how caring he is:

https://twitter.com/musikawu/status/1376984416485007363?s=19

Also, I actually just realized this recently after rewatching JJK that Gojo got super attached to Yuji really quickly. Gojo not only got very angry on his behalf but went out of his way to ask Nanami for help in caring for Yuji when he's supposed to be the strongest sorcerer. And at that time, Gojo made it clear to Nanami that he didn't ask him to do so due to Yuji's potential as a vessel. Gojo asked Nanami for this favor as an adult who wants to see the growth of a young man. Gojo was very precise in telling Nanami that he was looking not at Sukuna and Yuji's power, but at Yuji himself as not only an individual, but a child that needed nurturing and care. Before Yuji's death, Gojo had already even made preparations to have Yuta take care of Yuji cause he knew something might happen to him- even more development is that despite what Gojo says about himself, he's aware of his own flaws. What he appears to be on the outside is nothing like what he truly feels on the inside. He doesn't delude himself into narcissistic behavior that makes him unable to ask for help. He asks for help willingly and of his own accord- Yuta couldn't even fathom how the strongest sorcerer would face a problem he couldn't solve on his own, but Gojo does. Gojo is smart enough to know he needs to rely on others to move forward, and relying on someone means putting a certain amount of trust there. Gojo puts just as much faith in other people as he does himself, and the interesting part is that while it's more admirable to go out of your way to protect someone else, Gojo never brags about that. He only "brags" about things that will annoy the other person, but really he is only saying a commonly known "truth" in order to rile people up. It may sound like bragging- which it sort of is- but Gojo saying he's the strongest is not a lie. Him saying "I alone am the honoured one" is not necessarily a lie either. People don't call him the Strongest for nothing.

In fact, even more interestingly enough, besides Gojo, who includes Geto when people talk about the "strongest?" Despite being the definite "strongest," Gojo is the one who constantly says "We are the Strongest," not the other way around. He's also mature enough to recognize and point out other people's strengths, such as Mei Mei's, saying she is too strong to cry.

If Gojo truly was a narcissist, he would have mentioned everything else he's done for people, like stopping Megumi's sale to the Zenin clan and getting the Fushiguros financial aid. He could brag about being persuasive enough to save Yuji from execution or even saving Yuta from execution- Yuta becoming a special grade sorcerer soon after Gojo saved him is something you can easily brag about- but Gojo doesn't brag about his personal achievements at all- not in the way that demands respect from others, at least. Gojo only "brags" to tease others lightheartedly and to tick them off a little- and I don't think the demeaning things Gojo says to the higher ups can be used to show he's a narc because *many* people in Gojo's position would have said (and done) much, much worse things.

Also, when Yuji died, Gojo had become so emotional that even Shoko, who had been there since Gojo's youth, had commented on how unlike him it was. People irl really thought it was because Gojo couldn't use him as a weapon against the higher ups anymore, but reading how Gojo had told Nanami that he saw their relationship as an adult and a child makes me think differently. Something very important in the Light Novel is when Gojo tells Nanami that his students, because they are sorcerers, will soon have to "face the evil intentions of sh*tty humans." Not only sorcerers, but "every person has to bite into that bitterness, know what it means to give up, and pile up despairs to become an adult." People like Gojo and Nanami, Gojo had said, are capable of withstanding and releasing the "poison" that runs through the heart. However, the youngsters are more sensitive in that age, and "one poison could destroy their hearts" (I'm sure Gojo was thinking of Geto as he said this). That's why he wants to leave Yuji in the care of Nanami, "an adult who understands other people pain." Not that Gojo is unable to understand pain, but in the earlier events of the Light Novel as context, Gojo is faced with a mother who is mourning the loss of her child. While Nanami tries to gently comfort her and secretly find information on the cursed spirit at the same time using vague words, Gojo's words are straight forward and to the point, which startles the mother. It's not necessarily a bad things, however- Gojo's words had ended up allowing the mother to see her situation as it was without delusions, a tough love situation, so to speak, and the two were able to confirm their intel to be correct. It was Gojo who helped her to heal quicker by allowing her to realize her problem through his cutting words, but I'm sure Gojo realizes his "bad personality,"- which isn't really so bad in some cases- isn't for everyone. Gojo is very aware that people react negatively to his behavior, even if he is unable to understand just how deeply they despise him (*cough* Utahime) In that way, Gojo shows he cares very much for Yuji's mental growth, even in that short period of time, by entrusting his care to Nanami, who he comments would do a much better job than be could.

Therefore, I think Gojo might actually get attached to people more quickly than it might seem like. He also thinks very deeply and no matter how he acts, he's able to recognize others' strengths and acknowledge his own flaws- this is a key part of his character because he doesn't delude himself in his position as the Strongest. To those who think Gojo sees himself as a God, he is far from that behavior, and he is self aware enough to know that people need more to grow than just power and strength. Unfortunately, it seems most people either despise Gojo or are too enamoured by his looks to see past the surface of the more boisterous and childish part of his personality. That's likely the main reason he finds it hard to commit, too.

(More ranting 😭. There was this reddit post saying Gojo's narcissistic enough to be a more evil villain than Sukuna, that he would actually end up becoming the villain- like really??? And so many people really agreed that he's incapable of feeling true emotions that it's absurd. I really can't believe they even think Gojo has a God complex. Someone with a God complex, like most of the other disorders, wouldn't be able to admit their own flaws, let alone ask for help! The fact that Gojo even admits to having a "bad personality" is another tell against that. Sometimes I wonder if people are just projecting, but I also realize it's hard to differentiate between being an ENTP and being a sociopath because of how- on the surface- they seem so similar! But if you just dig a little deeper to look at their roots, they are so completely different it's a wonder how you'd get confused in the first place)

- 🤔

OH I COULDN'T AGREE MORE 🤔 anon here spitting FACTS. Yeah alot of people think gojo's a narcissist with huge ego but that ain't the case at all as explained above. I mean he was put on a pedestal since birth he gotta have some ego in that but that fact doesnt blind him. yeah sure he's the strongest but just one line "I'm the strongest" doesn't mean he's bragging it may sound like it but he's just stating facts he is indeed in fact the strongest in the jujutsu society. He knows he can't do everything on his own I mean why did he even become a teacher in the first place? Becuz he wants to make the next generation of jujutsu sorcerers stronger! No one asked him to do it he himself wanted to be a teacher even though at time he sucks at it.

He genuinely wants to do good not just for himself but for others as well. As interesting as the concept of Gojo becoming a villain it will never happen. Don't judge a damn book by it's cover even if it's a very attractive one hes just such an interesting character its shame most people don't see that.

[cocosstories]

Sebastian Stan One Shot

Can i request a Sebastian x reader one shot where reader surprises Seb on set & walks in on him with his costar reading lines but she doesn't know they're reading lines so when she over hears them admitting their feelings, she thinks it's real?

It was your two year anniversary with your boyfriend Sebastian, unfortunately, he had to work but you weren't going to let that stop you from at least having a small celebration.

You had woken up that morning to a sweet note from your love.

'Happy anniversary Princess. I'm so sorry that I couldnt get the day off but I promise, I will be thinking of you the whole day and we will celebrate on my next day off. I love you with all of my heart.

Seb.'

It was short and sweet but heartfelt nonetheless. After reading the note, you decide to spend the day setting up a picnic for the two of you.

You shower and get dressed and head off to the shops to get the supplies. Once home, you put everything together in the basket and change into Sebastian's favorite dress and head off to the set.

Security leads you to Sebs trailer after checking you in and leaves you once you get to the door which is slightly open, you can hear Sebastian talking inside.

Just as you are about to knock, another voice hits you.

"I can't wait until we don't have to hide this anymore. Its killing me. I love you and the whole world should know!"

The female voice coming from the trailer, you recognize as his costar.

"I know, I love you too, but I can't just leave. I've put years into this relationship. It will crush her."

He replies as tears well up in your eyes.

You couldn't believe what you were hearing! Sebastian was cheating on you with his costar. You would have never thought it could be true. This wasn't like him at all. He is a good man who loves you, or so you thought.

"Just run away with me! We can have the life we've been talking about. You don't need her. She will never love you like I do! I can make you happier then she ever could."

You felt sick to your stomach, your face red hot, hands shaking.

"I will tell her tonight. You're right. Its you. Its always been you."

His reply to her pleading was enough for you to burst through the door.

"Why don't you tell me now!"

Red hot tears sting your face as you drop the basket at your feet at the site of your boyfriend and his costar staring at you in confusion.

"Y/N, what are you doing here?"

Sebastian asks walking towards you when he sees you crying.

As he does, you notice the papers in his hands and realization hits seconds before the embarrassment does.

"Princess, what's wrong?"

He asks as you sit at the nearby table and cover your face with your hands.

"I think she may have heard us rehearsing the scene and got the wrong idea."

His costar says sympathetically.

Sebastian lets out a laugh.

"Oh my beautiful, crazy love, did you really think I could ever cheat on you?"

He kneels down in front of your chair and takes your hands from your face and into his own.

"Y/N, I would never, could never cheat on you. I would never leave you. I love you."

You couldn't bring yourself to look up at him.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

The words didn't feel like enough to even begin to convey how you were feeling but Sebastian knew just by looking at your face.

He gently lifts your chin and your eyes lock with his.

"Don't be sorry. If I had heard what you did, out of context like that I would have thought the same and done the same. Hell, I probably would have done worse."

You give him a small smile and sigh as you notice the basket open on the floor.

Sebastian reaches over to pick it up, putting the spilled but still sealed food back in.

"Is this for us?"

He asks standing up and placing it on the table to get a better look.

"Yeah, I thought you might be able to take a few minutes to have at least a small anniversary dinner."

"Well, I think that is a wonderful idea. We have an hour break right now so you two enjoy that and I will get out of your hair."

Suddenly, you are painfully aware that Sebastian's costar was still in the room and your embarrassment boils up again.

As she makes her way to the door, you stop her.

"I am really sorry about this."

She smiles and hugs you.

"Don't worry, if it were my boyfriend and my anniversary, I would do the same."

She replies then leaves. You turn back to Sebastian who is setting out the food.

"So, it took two years but I finally got to see the crazy huh?'

Sebastian laughs as you blush and turn away, mentally kicking yourself yet again.

"And it didn't send you running?"

You regain your composure and reply back to him.

"Oh my princess, you've got me hooked. Nothing will ever send me running from you."

He says and wraps his strong arms around you, your body fitting perfectly with his as he kisses your forehead.

"I love you Sebby."

"I love you more baby."

[charliedawn]

The Joke's on Us part 4

Warning : possessive behavior.

A dark shadow floats on top you and gently caresses your face.

" Soon..We'll be reunited, old friend."

Penny gasps, recognizing that shadow from the deep confines of his memories..Maturin had mentioned him when they were still friends.

" Shardik.."

At the mention of his name, the shadow quickly turns towards Penny whose breath stops. Shardik's smile widens and he floats on top of Penny to stare at him straight in the eyes.

" Ah..You must be one of the creatures Maturin created. A shame, I really thought you would be more..impressive ?"

Penny only snarls at him before responding with a threat.

" What were you doing ? I swear that if you touch her..I'll kill you."

The entity, far from being intimidated, only laughs loudly at Penny's menace which seems to amuse him more than anything.

" Really ? And how will you do that without your powers, Penny ? Don't forget that I am as powerful as you were and as old as Maturin. Funny, the old turtle really thought you and Pennywise could stop me when he is gone. Imagine how much he was disappointed when he realized that your hatred towards humanity was blinding you. He never got you those powers to use them against humans, or children..He wanted you to protect them. But, now that the old turtle is dead and you two are too weak to stop me. I'll be able to rule over that planet. I'll suck upon its energy until there is nothing left. I'll even start with you little charming town. Derry, is it ?"

Penny glares up at him, but had to admit that he can't protect you like this. Now that he is only human, he is happy, happier than he's ever been..but..The shadow chuckles evilly in the shell of his ear.

" That planet has been without order for much too long..It passed its life expectancy hundreds of years ago..But don't worry, as soon as I will have ate her, Maturin's powers will be in me and I will make sure to bring an end to humanity.."

Penny growls at the mention of you being eaten by Shardik and tries to jump on him with a roar.

" Don't you dare touch her !"

However, he suddenly wakes up, covered in sweat and sees that you are the one who woke him up. Your eyebrows are tensed in obvious worry and, without any words, Penny wraps his arms around you. He had felt fear before..but not like that..never like that..His heart is racing against his ribcage and he is holding onto you like it is the last time.

" P..Penny ? Are you alright ?"

Your question makes him open his eyes and come back to reality. You are running your hand gently on top of his head, smoothing his hair in the process to calm him down. He finally steps back and looks at Pennywise that had woken up as well. The both of them had felt it..He was coming back. You look at the both of them with a confused expression and finally ask, tired by the secrecy of both men.

" That's it. What's going on ? Why do you look so grave all of a sudden ?!"

Penny doesn't answer, he only stands up and gets out of the room without another word. You turn towards Pennywise, hoping for some kind of explanation. He doesn't peep either and only returns to the sofa that had become his bed for the time being. However, you don't let it go and sit in front of him with a determined look on your face.

" Now, you're going to tell me what's going on."

You didn't mean to make it sound like an order, but you couldn't just let them fend for themselves anymore. Pennywise finally turns towards you and sighs loudly before telling you what this was all about.

" Penny and I always had a very deep connection with Maturin, we could feel his presence and so could he. However, Maturin is not the only entity out there. The world has at least 12 entities guarding it. One of them being Shardik..Shardik is one of the twelve guardians of Beams that hold up The Dark Tower. It is a cyborg bear that stands over forty feet tall and one ugly unkillable bastard with more energy than millions of suns. He was pissed to know that I killed his brother and wanted to come and exterminate this planet on which lives his brother's murderer..But like many, he was scared of us. But now that we lost our powers ? He's coming, and with you being the turtle's successor ? We will all die for sure."

You lean against the back of your chair and sigh loudly. You only are a painting teacher..Of course he would crush you. But, that didn't mean you had to give up.

" Well, aren't you the optimist ?! Why don't you show me how to fight instead of complaining ?!"

He ignores you and only turns his back to you as he pretends to fall asleep again. You stand up and suddenly throws his blanket off. That get a reaction and you can hear a growl from him as he stands up to face you menacingly.

" Why ?! You want to know why ?! Because of this !"

He suddenly takes you by the shoulder and digs his thumb in your wounded flesh. You whine in pain and Pennywise immediately retracts his hand.

" Do you really think that you'll ever be able to vanquish Shardik the bear with a human body ?! He would squish you in an instant! Learn how to heal yourself, then we'll talk about your fighting skills.."

You glare at him: deep inside, you know he is right, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. You humph at him before leaving the room to join your bedroom, but then, you hear someone crying upstairs. You follow the sound and find Penny, sitting on the floor and leaning against one of the corridor's wall. He looks up at you when he hears you approaching and you crouch by his side with a reassuring smile.

" Hey..We're going to be okay..Alright ?"

You try to comfort him, but he only sobs.

" What if..What if you can't beat him ? What if the only solution is for us to get back into who we were ?"

You sigh, knowing that if there were to be no other solution, you would have to break your promise..You would have to hurt them, one way or another.

" I guess I'll have to change you back. I know that I prefer you to have the choice but..If there are no other solution, I'll have to break my promise. I can't let you die. Not when I know I could have avoided it.."

You sit next to him and you both stay quiet for a moment, lost in your thoughts until Penny looks at you with his eyes full of uncertainty.

" And what if I don't want to get back to what I was ? What if I want to stay human ?"

You can't help but smile and tears start to build up in your eyes..Why couldn't the universe leave them alone ? You are so close to them finally accepting their new forms..

" Then, I'll guess it'll be my job to be sure that you don't have to."

He smiles back and before you know it, you are both holding hands. You don't try to get it out, even though you know that at any moment, Penny could come back to his old ways. You're not scared of him, you aren't even sure if you ever really were ? You don't even notice that Pennywise had climbed up the stairs and is now looking at the both of you from afar with a slight frown. He only turns away and waits when he is safe in is bed to grunt.

" What does she find in him..?"

Unaware that his eyes glow a slight orange in the dark for a second.

The next day, you decide that it's grocery shopping time. However, the two clowns are still sound asleep and you take the opportunity to get out alone. Once in the street, you take a breath of fresh air and start walking towards the shop, wondering what you should buy for the two men. You enter the shop and start looking around. You are lost in your thoughts and don't see another person coming in your direction. You suddenly collide with said person and look up to see a man with blue eyes and a nice smile.

" I'm sorry. I didn't see you there."

He extends his hand towards you and you take it with a grateful smile.

" No. It's me. I should have looked where I was going."

His smile widens as you shake his hand. He introduces himself.

" I'm Dan. I don't really know my way around here. I'm the new teacher from down the block."

You smiles politely and introduce yourself as well.

" I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you. I'm the Art teacher of the neighborhood."

His eyes seem to light up at the mention of you being an Art teacher.

" Really ?! You're the Art teacher ? My cousin never stops talking about you. Tom ?"

You seem to remember last time and wince at the memory. Seems like Tom hadn't said anything about the incident..You try your best to keep your composure and automatically feel that you need to make amends somehow.

" Do you want..Do you want a coffee ?"

He smiles again and nods.

" Sure ! Lead the way."

You take your groceries and pay them before getting out. You end up in a small coffee shop and both take what you want before sitting outside.

" I'm sorry. You must think it's weird that I never came before. I just moved in from the States so..Tom isn't even aware that I'm back yet."

Oh. Well, you still hoped that Tom hadn't talked to anyone about what had happened. You smile and shake you head.

" Not at all. Tom is a very nice boy and I always like to meet the families of my students. It helps to understand them better. Although, it's the first time I actually invite a member for a coffee."

" I should be honored then."

He takes a sip of his coffee before winking playfully at you. You blush and let a small chuckle.

" To tell you the truth..Tom and I have been quite distant since our older brother died. I do sometimes feel guilty for leaving him, but.."

You see that he is concerned and put you hand on his compassionately.

" I'm sorry..It must have hurt."

You had heard about Tom losing a brother, he did have a period when he could only draw dark things. Horrible things. It must have been a shock for everyone in his family. Dan smiles gratefully at you before answering.

" Don't worry. It's been a year now. I'm stronger than this."

You smile sadly at him, but then feel two very familiar shadows looming over you from behind. A hand grabs your shoulder and squeezes it in silent warning.

" Hi Y/N. Who is this ?"

Penny..And Pennywise is certainly not far behind. Dan stands up and stretches his hand towards them with a bright smile.

" Oh ! Sorry ! My name is Dan, I'm the brother of one of Y/N's students. And you are ?"

You are about to answer when Pennywise does it for you. He takes his hand and smiles forcefully.

" Pleasure. My name is Robert, and this is Bob. We're her roommates. Unfortunately, she seems to have forgotten about us this morning. You should have woke us up, Y/N. We would have helped you with the groceries."

He may sound calm, but you know better: the way he pronounces the last word makes you understand that he is pissed. Even Dan seems to understand as he retracts his hand and addresses you one last smile.

" Well..I should go. It was nice to meet you, Y/N."

However, he still writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to you.

"Here is my number, just in case."

He then gives one last nod in acknowledgement to the two men before turning and walking away. You have cold sweat running down your back as you can feel the murderous glares of the two clowns behind you.

" Let's go. Shall we ?"

Penny finally ask, more like commands as he grabs you harshly by the arm and drags you towards the house. You just have the time to get your bags. As soon as you are home, you run towards the kitchen and pretend to be busy with putting the grocery items on the shelves and in the fridge.

" W..What do you want for..?"

You don't have the time to finish your sentence as Pennywise suddenly comes behind you and wraps his arms around you.

" Now, princess..You're going to turn around and face us. We're not angry. We just want to talk."

"..Just want to talk..?"

You repeat with a broken voice, making sure that you heard right. Pennywise only nods slowly and you gulp loudly before turning around with your eyes closed tight.

" Come on, darling..You know that we want to see your eyes..Come on."

You tentatively open one eye, then the other in shock. They are not angry..They are very mad. You see that their eyes have changed colors and their skins are white..the same white than a few weeks ago. Suddenly, Penny takes you by the throat and pins you to the fridge while Pennywise presses his nose again your throat. He then inhales deeply and growls perceptibly.

" Looks like your little stunt hurt us more than we thought..I'm smelling your fear, sweetheart. And it smells delicious..One more minute, and we would have surely taken our true appearances back."

You don't understand. You hadn't hurt them, so why are they taking their clown forms back ?! Why are they angry even ?! You try to breathe, but Penny's mouth is against yours in a second..You open your eyes wide 'Everything makes sense now. They are jealous. Pain..They're in pain. You whimper when he bites your bottom lip. But, you don't open your mouth and he groans.

" You are going to open that mouth, sweet thing..Or I'm not sure you'll have a mouth to close at the end of the day.."

You open your eyes wide and tears are falling down your face. You don't have a choice but to open your mouth. But before he could do much, Pennywise gets a hold of him and throws him away from you.

" What the heck, Penny ?! When I said we were supposed to talk, I didn't mean by putting your tongue in her mouth ! Jeez ! Get a hold of yourself, kid !"

For a moment, shame and guilt seem to take a hold of Penny and he shakily stands back. He seems confused himself..Why did he do that ? Pennywise is taken aback by the clown's kiss..Where the heck did he even learn that from ?! Pennywise then returns to you, curled into a little ball on the floor and his heart tightens..Sh*t. They got carried away..Again. He sighs loudly and takes back his human form. Penny also loses his white skin and his yellow eyes. He wants to approach you but, you cry out.

" Don't touch me !"

Penny freezes and tries to nuzzle your neck as an apology, but you frown and push him back.

" No, Penny ! I'm angry ! You didn't have the right ! I didn't want you to be my first kiss ! I wanted someone who loved me !"

He looks up to Pennywise for help, but the older clown just shrugs. He has no idea of what to do..Truth is, he doesn't even know what all the problem is with "first kiss". He knows that a girl had to remain pure in order to marry when he was still alive..But he thought that rule had been abandoned long ago ? However, you seem very upset and Penny doesn't like it when you cry. He tries to think of a solution, of anything to make you forget what happened..He wants to get out the music box, but in your rage, you grab it and smash it against the wall. To your horror, you realize too late what you've done and Penny roars before pouncing on you, his teeths bare and ready to chomp on you. Pennywise tries to make him get off you, but he is too weak and Penny doesn't have any problem pushing him aside. However, Pennywise falls and knocks his head against a nearby table. You can see blood, and so does Penny. Penny quickly gets back to his human form and shakes Pennywise to wake him up.

" Pennywise ! What's going on ?!"

Pennywise only groans in pain when Penny shakes him again. You instantly come by his side and automatically feel the sweat covering his arms and forehead. You then see a strange mark on his neck and blood starts getting out from his nose, eyes and ears. You quickly unbutton his shirt and gasp in horror.

" Oh my God.."

He was covered by black sports that seemed to spread all over him like a..a disease.

" P..Pennywise. Did you have the..?"

" The black plague ?"

He guesses and you nod. He sighs and finally nods.

" Yes. It was not as bad as my family though.."

You bite your lower lip..By how fast it was spreading, he had a few hours at best. The disease seemed to have survived with him. You are about to call the ambulance when Pennywise stops you.

" Don't..Don't call the hospital. Those bastards won't know what to do..They're not prepared. Plus, they could get infected."

You sigh before remembering that..

" Pennywise..You bit me."

Your voice is shaking as you wonder if you will have it too..? Pennywyse's eyes widen and he curses.

" Sh*t. I have no idea.."

You have trouble breathing and put your hands in your pockets as you pace back and force, wondering what you should do ? You suddenly feel something inside your palm and quickly get it out to look at it. Sam's number..Inviting him could maybe break the deal and make them return to what they were ? Save them ? You shiver at the thought. Yes..But at what price ? You look back at Pennywise, his eyes are closed and his breathing very bad..You don't have a choice. You call him. It doesn't take you long to have him on the other side of the line.

" Hello ?"

" Sam ? Hey ! Could you come over ?"

You emphasize on his name, which make both of the clowns groan loudly in disapproval. However, they know what you're trying to do and don't try to stop you.

" Yeah ! Sure! I'll be right here !"

You force yourself to smile, still wanting to sound excited as to see him. However, the clowns seem to slowly change and growl loudly in the background. You hang off and look at them with a small sad smile.

" You know that it's the only way..Please, don't make this even more complicated than it really is."

Both clowns seem to understand your sacrifice and Pennywise slowly takes your hand with, for the first time in forever, tears in his eyes.

" Thank you, sweetheart."

You only nod and then, ask Penny to move him upstairs, as for Dan not to see him. He reluctantly agrees and helps you move the man upstairs. You then ask Penny to go hide in the basement. You prepare yourself and it doesn't take long for the doorbell to ring. You take a big breath before opening the door and letting Dan in. He looks around and finally smiles at you.

" Hi. So, what did you want to talk about ?"

You bite your lip and start thinking of a good reason for his presence.

" I..I just thought that it's been a long time since I've last had company and I wanted to see you again.."

He smiles and nods before sitting down on the couch. You gulp loudly before sitting beside him and looking at everything but him. He seems to catch on your nervousness and gently runs his hand on your back to soothe you.

" Hey, if you're not ready, I understand. I can wait and.."

" No !"

You hadn't meant to sound so desperate, but Pennywise was dying and you didn't know how to save him but to hurt him the only way you could. You take Dan by the collar and suddenly kiss him on the lips. He seems surprised at first, but reciprocates soon enough. You open your eyes and see that his are closed, he is actually enjoying the kiss. You smile. Maybe it wasn't so bad ? Penny and Pennywise would go down to the sewers and you would get to have a normal life back. However, you should have known that things wouldn't be so simple. Dan starts to be more persistent and slowly slides his hand up your thigh.

" No, Dan, wait.."

But he doesn't wait and only deepens the kiss to shut you up. Suddenly, someone pushes you apart harshly and you see Penny that took back his original form. He glares at Dan and growls menacingly before taking you in his arms and running in the basement. When he stops, you call him, nervous and scared that he would hurt you.

" Penny ?"

You ask, afraid that something had gone wrong..But, Penny only smiles with his multiple rows of very sharp teeths before answering you in his familiar high-pitched singing voice.

" ~I'm back.."

You smile in relief, but Penny suddenly takes you by the throat and you only have the time to look at him with widened eyes.

" Don't look at me like that..We wouldn't want Shardik to come and get you.."

When you fall into complete darkness, you barely hear Penny adding something in the shell of your ear.

" Don't worry. When all of this is over, we'll make sure to remind you who you truly belong to..You've been playing with us for too long, pet. With no humanity to abide by, there will be nothing to hold me back.."

Whereas upstairs, Pennywise enters the room transformed as you and takes Dan by the neck to kiss him harshly. However, when Dan opens his eyes, Pennywise is standing before him with a large grin.

" Surprise, shawty ! Not the person you were expecting, huh ? What ? Never kissed a clown before ? Remember that when the girl says no, it means no."

And then, without a warning, Pennywise sinks his teethes into Dan's shoulder. However, he doesn't scream. Pennywise feels something acid in his mouth and quickly steps back with a sour growl.

" You aren't human.."

Dan only chuckles before sitting on the couch in a nonchalant manner. His skin quickly turning to a pale shade of white and his eyes brighten almost mischievously.

" Man..Didn't think it would take you this long to figure it out.."

[writearctic]

Ask Me Again - oneshot

⚤︎ badboy!felix and fem!reader

✔︎ fluff, hints of angst, semi suggestive

⌨︎ 4.9k

monnie's @ "To Your Heart"

hello! this is our first book of The Pasta Chronicles! i'm so glad @monscastle was able to collab with me; also shoutout to monnie for the lovely banner~ ♡

“Go out with me.”

Lee Felix, the campus bad boy, asked you out. Again. It was a weekly occurrence: him asking you; you saying no as politely as possible.

He never stuttered his words. Not the first time and certainly not today. “Go out with me, y/n. Please.”

It sounded like a plea for you. But his voice never wavered. It kept you in reality that he was a player, and you were an ideal student. Not the best but better than him.

“Felix, I’m sorry. I can’t. Not with exams coming up,” you replied with a soft smile while stepping past the boy. You were lucky to find a real enough excuse. He dug his heels into the cement path and followed you-- an action you couldn’t fail to notice.

“Gosh, he’s a real stickler, huh?” Your roommate, Lea, quietly reminded you.

“After exams, y/n.” Felix sped up to stand in front of you, stopping your pace altogether. “I’ll wait ‘til exams are over.” He leaned forward and pecked the sweetest, gentlest kiss on your temple. He smirked at your blushed reaction before skipping back to his crowd.

“Well, I guess he won’t bother you for a bit.” Lea started walking again.

You bit your lip, mind still focused on how warm, how sweet, his lips felt on your skin. It made your heartbeat quicken; the thought of his lips on yours sent a nice, tingly flow throughout your body.

“Y/n.”

‘H-huh?” Lea snapped you out of your daydream.

“He won’t bother you for a bit.” She hooked her arm with yours and happily continued to your next lecture. “Now, you can put 110% into your grades.”

“I’m glad,” you faked a smile. Lea endlessly went on about her thesis book. Her words served as white noise to you though.

Honestly, you liked Felix. There was no doubt about it. He was courteous towards his professors. It was rare for him to turn in an assignment, but he was studious in class and never interrupted the professors or classmates.

He was kind and respectful, despite his liaisons with countless ladies on campus. When they came and begged to date him, he was thoughtful with his words. He never said no, but he never said yes. A handful of guys would ask him out as well, but Felix stuck to his words. He had a rule. No getting together, no relationships. No romance. Just a quick fuck. And everyone knew this. “Having strings ties you down. And I don’t see myself tied with you,” he had said, in the lightest way possible.

You haven’t slept with him, yet you knew he held a fragile piece of your heart. He was your fantasy. A dream. Nothing more. But it never hurts to dream.

Your mind stopped wandering when Lea opened the lecture hall door. As you entered, you were met with hateful glares from the students.

“Y/n. Lea. I saved you a seat.” Jackson’s deep voice startled you. Lea shuffled the pair of you through the isle and to the row Jackson was sitting in.

“Gosh, what the heck was that for? Is there something on my face, y/n?” Lea worried.

“No, Lea. You look beautiful as ever.”

She beamed back at you.

“Look.” Jackson held up his phone, allowing Lea and you to watch an Instagram story. It was you. Specifically, Felix kissing your temple.

Lea sighed. Someone had filmed the “intimate” moment you had with Felix. You read the words at the bottom of the post: ‘Another whore for Lix?’

You deserved this. It was karma coming to get you for the thoughts you had of the boy. You mindlessly reached your fingertips to where he kissed your skin. Why was he even attracted to you? Were you a dare? A dare for him to get in your pants? You had your dignity, but you thought this boy was melting it away piece by piece.

You returned to your shared rental with Lea after class ended. At the apartment desk, the security guard stopped you. “Miss Y/n. A boy left this parcel for you.” He grumbled and handed you the gift.

You thanked him kindly and proceeded up the stairs.

“Open it.” Lea crossed her arms and demanded after removing her shoes and coat.

You walked to the kitchen and cut the package with a pair of scissors. You dug into it and found a bag of homemade cake pops.

“I’ll take one thank youuu,” Lea joked while tearing the plastic bag of goodies from your hands. You giggled, a way of granting her permission as you watched her slump on the couch. You stepped to discard the package when a note card fell to the ground reading: ‘I’m sorry, y/n. If I had known they were filming us, I would have kissed you on those rosebud lips of yours to let everyone know you’re mine.’

You released a voiceless whimper. Felix was surely playing you, but he made you feel special and desired none the less.

You quickly picked up the note and hid it in your back pocket.

It's been almost two weeks since Felix last asked you out. You had seen him around campus and longingly stared at him in hopes he would look at you. The few times your eyes caught his, Felix blushed and turned away. Now that he was respecting your boundaries, you didn’t want him to ignore you.

The sneers and occasional trash talks you received since the video of Felix’s delicate kiss to your head didn’t get under your skin. The few times they would, you couldn’t think much of them; you had more important matters to ponder about. You chewed on the painful distance between you and Felix habitually.

Studying wasn’t worth it. Your mind always trailed back to him. You wondered how he was. You hoped he was fairing better than you with his studies. You couldn’t help but miss his tranquil presence. Even if he was desperate for you, Felix had a calming aura that aroused you in the most loving way.

Aside from studying, you couldn’t get much sleep at night. Felix was awaking you every time you tried to clear your mind. He had engulfed and overpowered you into a longing for him.

You sat down in your class with a huff.

“Someone’s grumpy,” Jackson teased playfully.

Upon seeing your lifeless form, Lea hummed. “I think it’s ‘cause she slept in.”

You folded your arms on the desk and threw your head down. “I’m not going to do well on this,” you muttered.

Jackson and Lea exchanged looks. “Y/n, you studied-”

“Not really,” you admit to them. “My mind’s been… elsewhere.”

“Wha- why?” Jackson asked. “Is it Felix? You said he was leaving you alone, right? He’s not bothering you is he? I swear I’ll punch that hopeless romantic in the gut if you fail your exams.”

“Please don’t.” Your friends recognized the pitch in your voice; you were crying now.

Lea leaned towards the table and softly spoke. “Y/n, what happened?”

“I- I don’t know.” You shot up from hiding your face in your arms. Your puffy eyes were no stranger to the classmates around you as it was finals season. Lots of tears had fallen from multiple peers in the past week. Thankfully, they paid no mind to your tear-stained face and brushed it off as the stress that came with final exams.

“He’s doing things to my heart, and I can’t explain how hopeful I am that he’s not toying with me.” You reached for your pencil case and pulled out the letter Felix had written a few weeks earlier.

“Oh.” Lea’s reaction mirrored Jackson, whose mouth circled like an ‘o.’ They already suspected your feelings for him long before you had received the note.

“So, do I beat him to a pulp or…” Jackson joked, hoping to make you smile. But his efforts only resulted in his ribs getting elbow jabbed by Lea.

“I don’t know what to do.” Your voice was pulsing with desperate hope from your friends.

“Tell him ‘yes.’ Y/n, next time he asks you, and I’m sure there will be a next time, say ‘yes.’” Lea soothed your anxious mind with the natural honey in her tone. “The only thing you have to lose is your chance with your dream guy.” She winked and turned her gaze to the podium where the professor was introducing the exam.

Her words echoed in your mind. What did you have to lose other than Felix? Your dignity? No. If Felix is the right guy for you, he would strengthen your worth rather than hinder it. As you opened your laptop to the class page, you crossed your fingers, wishing Felix would ask you just once more.

Two days have passed since your last exam. Lea scored higher than you on your overall average. It made sense, and you easily accepted it. You spent hours of mindlessly studying the textbook while Lea actually studied. The two of you, along with Jackson, celebrated the success of your roommate with drinks.

“So,” Jackson began after the clink of your shots. “Has he asked you out yet?”

“No,” you frowned.

“Hey! I thought tonight was about me!” Lea laughed, trying to lift the mood so thick, you could cut it with the wimpy, plastic knives from your college cafeteria.

Jackson had only downed a shot or two; thus, he still was fully aware of his surroundings. So when he saw Felix stride through the local campus bar, he pinched Lea’s shoulder.

“Yah! What do you nee-” Jackson shushed her and guided her face towards Felix’s figure. They turned their attention back to the dim-lit table and met your curious gaze.

Jackson winked. “Don’t worry, y/n. He’ll come for you.” Both he and Lea stood up and walked to the bar for another round of drinks.

You stood up with your brow furrowed, but before you could follow them, you spotted Felix. He looked stunning in his ripped, leather pants and neatly combed hair. The green neon lights above fell on his sculpted face in the most angelic way. You admired him for a while until he moved to dance with a girl. 'With that skin tight dress of hers, how could he fight the urge to grind on her thin hips?' You thought, wishing you had worn something more than a long sleeved crop top and black jeans. Your gaze fell to the floor; you wore your ballet flats. They weren’t the most attractive, but at least they didn’t blister your feet.

You sighed and went after your friends. It had been 2 minutes at most, but you found Lea shamelessly twerking on a peer from her bio class and saw Jackson, long past sober, swiveling on a bar stool and mindlessly ranting to the man next to him about asparagus. The sex driven Lea and rhetorical thinker Jackson had made way out of hibernation. They were drunk.

You hustled to pay for your drinks and exited the crowd. It was cold outside, and you fell victim to the chill in your thin shirt. You didn’t want to flag down a taxi or call an Uber; at this time of night, riding alone with a stranger was not a pill you could swallow. Leaning against the building, you pulled open your contacts. Maybe your landlord would give you a ride home? Before your finger hit the call button, Felix called your name.

Waiting for exams to pass without hearing your voice or seeing your tender eyes up close was absolute hell for Felix. On occasion, he caught you looking at him. But as quickly as he saw you, you bashfully turned away. He kept his word and left you to your studies. Felix knew you cared about your education, and he was the last person who wanted to be in your way. So, he backed off at your excuse of exams.

After the last week of tests, final averages were posted near admissions. Felix eagerly raced to see how well you did. He knew by allowing you the space you needed to ace exams would easily grant you a high grade. But your name wasn’t in the top 100 list. He checked it once, twice, thrice before turning to the longer list of all student results.

Felix’s eyes were glued on the page; he memorized each printed name as he glossed over them looking for yours. When he found it, his head fell from his defeated shoulders. You didn’t do well. In fact, you did better last semester when he had bugged you to go out with him.

Something was wrong, yet he couldn’t understand.

Until he realized, you must’ve been tormented by his flock of admirers. He came to the conclusion that he would permanently give you space; the last thing he wanted was to bring pain to the girl he truly likes.

Felix tried avoiding you by taking different routes to class. If he did see you, he felt guilty and wished there was a way to protect you from the world.

He couldn’t keep you from gracefully invading his mind. Jisung, another playboy at campus, suggested “getting drunk or having sex with another bitch to remove that chick” from his mind. Felix’s nostrils flared when Jisung referred to you as a “chick” when you deserved much more than such a lowlife name. He nearly immobilized Jisung had his friends not stepped in and prevented Felix from further harming the boy.

Directly after throwing punches to his friend, he felt horrible. Felix sprinted away from his peer; it was ironic how he found himself in the campus bar. He downed no more than three shots. He didn’t want to forget you. Yet, his carnal instincts kicked in when Belle approached him.

She wore a mahogany, sheath dress that did wonders for his dry spell. Felix hadn’t been sleeping with anyone since he promised to ask you out after exams. He believed he needed to be faithful and better in order to make you his.

As she began to shake her rear against him, he placed his hands on Belle’s hips. 'Too skinny,' he thought. He would’ve preferred you.

It was like a higher being heard his plea because he saw you seated with your friends. The dim lighting made you look like a fever dream. He longed for you to be his. When he turned back to catch a look at you again, you were gone.

“E-excuse me,” Felix removed Belle’s body from his, but she clung to him like velcro.

She flicked her false lashes at him and grinned. “My place or yours?”

“I need to go.” He pushed her off a little more aggressively than he should and left without another word.

He found you outside, leaning against the club. Alone.

“Y/n!”

A wave of heat flashed through your body when your name fell from his tongue. You eagerly turned to him. Felix ran the short distance between you before urgently pressing his lips on yours.

The kiss was patient, yet you both could sense a deeper passion. Felix pulled your cold body against his and tightened his arms around your waist. Your fingers ruffled the bit of hair that touched the nape of his neck. He pulled his lips away; you quickly whined in protest, but Felix didn’t let you go.

He burrowed his face into your shoulder. You leaned to kiss his head, and he began whispering soft words against your skin causing you to shiver, this time, not from the cold temperature.

“Felix,” you whispered. “I- I can’t understand you.” You giggled breathlessly at him when his face moved back to yours.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why? Felix, are you ok?”

“I- fuck. I love you, y/n. And I’m aware that we hardly know each other, but please. I want to learn every precious detail about you. Tell me your favorite way to pass the time on a rainy day. Tell me who taught you how to braid because gosh, when your hair is braided to the side, you make me want to rip out any gawking eyes that look at you. In fact, I won’t hesitate-”

“Felix.” Your voice was quiet. It was his first time hearing you so vulnerable, and it made him want to kiss every part of you. You deserved to be showered with kisses on a daily basis. But he traced his fingertips along the sleeves of your crop top and passionately listened to you.

“Ask me again.”

He smiled and raised a brow, puzzled. “Ask you what?”

You stared at him and fought the urge to kiss the small dimples on his face. You hadn’t noticed them before.

“Will you go out with me, Felix?”

“Fuck. No.” He cursed under his breath. His eyes turned to you when he felt you crumble in his hold. “Wait, shit. No, that’s not what I meant.”

You stepped back with tears brimming your radiant eyes, and it made Felix want to pull you back against him and never, never let you go.

“I wanted to ask you out!”

“You’re mad at me for asking you out!?”

“Yes!”

“Lee Felix, will you ask me out?”

“Y/n, please go out with me!?”

“Goodness yes.” You breathlessly whispered with no hesitation in your voice. He wasted not a second more before pulling you into his arms again. You tightly gripped his shirt; a few tears fell from your lashes. Felix felt them and released you from his embrace. He raised his hands and carefully wiped away every tear. He saw your lip quiver and observed how cold you were.

“Let me drive you home,” he quavered. Felix’s hand was warm in yours; his pinky tangled with yours as he led you to his car.

He knew where your place was. There weren’t many words spoken on the way to your apartment. Both of you were embarrassed and unsure about what to do next.

As he pulled to the building, he shifted to park and turned to you. “I want to take you out tomorrow.”

“I’d like that,” your voice was sunny. You inched closer to him and kissed his lips once more. It was quick, but it was everything you needed to know he was yours. “Good night, Felix.” You stepped out of the car and trudged to the apartment gate.

“Y/n!” Felix stood on the drivers side and yelled. “I need your number!”

You stopped punching the code for the gate to open. “Pick me up here tomorrow at six, and I’ll give it to you!” You playfully hollered back.

“I’ll be here,” he whispered, watching your figure walk through the gates.

“Oh. Em. Gee. Wow! I’m so glad you got him, y/n!” Lea cheered when she finally had some conscience. “Where are you going?”

“Oh, uhm, I’m not sure.” You realized the issue. Not having his number made choosing the perfect outfit harder. 'Shouldn’t have played hard to get,' you thought.

“Knowing him,” Lea stepped for your closet. “He’ll probably take you somewhere nice. Like a concert, fancy restaurant, or art exhibit. Since he’s head over heels in love with you.” She pulled a black velvet dress off its hanger and handed it to you. “Oh! Here.” She tossed you some sheer, black tights as well.

“I hope you’re right,” you giggled and went to change.

Lea adored the gown and begged to straighten your hair; she thought it looked best with your outfit. Once straight, she tied your hair into a low ponytail. She picked some dangly earrings for you to wear in addition to a silver bracelet. You felt like an actress being prepped for a scene. Lea was definitely the stylist between the two of you.

Your roommate stood by the window as it was nearing 6:00. You sat nervously on the couch, praying your outfit was right.

“He’s here.”

With a shaky sigh, you slipped on your shoes and went to the door. “Wish me luck.”

“You’ve got nothing to worry about, y/n. You’ve made an impression of Felix, one so strong he’s stopped sleeping around.” She walked over to straighten the collar of your coat before continuing. “Plus, if anything does happen-- but I highly doubt he’ll be a jerk to you-- remember, Jackson’s offer to beat him up still stands.”

You giggled in unison before hugging her and heading past the threshold.

What a sight you were. As you stepped out the apartment gates, his breath hitched. You bloomed in the evening fog. He hustled to the passenger door and eagerly opened it for you.

You paused before getting in. “Does my outfit fit the occasion?” You asked nervously.

“Yes; it’s perfect.” He charmed.

Felix drove away. His car was warm, and it calmed your nerves. You kept stealing glances at his profile, noticing the kisses of the sun on his cheeks and nose. His lips were highly alluring and since last night, you wanted nothing more than to kiss him again.

The ride was quiet. Felix played some soft r&b music in the background. At every traffic light, he turned to you and took your hand in his. He raised it to his lips and kissed the back of your hand; his eyes remained locked with yours, causing you to buzz with delight.

“We’re here.”

He shifted to park before stepping to your side and opening the door. You stood on the curb and admired the restaurant while Felix paid the parking meter. Dilettante was one of the finest restaurants in town. You had never been; it was far too expensive. The thought puddled in your stomach. Felix brought you to a highly exquisite restaurant on the first date.

“Felix.”

He hummed. Finished with the meter, he latched your arm with his and strolled to the building. “Yes?”

“This is expensive. Are you sure we should eat here? We can always go to Olive Garden or-”

“Y/n.” Felix paused and slipped his hand in yours. “This is the only place you deserve for a first date.”

Your cheeks darkened at his comment when he started up to the door. “Mia, your finest table please," he winked. The receptionist led you to a candle lit corner booth. She placed the menus on the surface: “Your server will be here shortly.” Mia return the wink and strolled back to the front.

Felix obviously knew the girl. You removed your oatmeal coat and sat down. Felix sat across from you. You leaned in and whispered, “Have you slept with her?”

He laughed. He laughed at you. You chuckled nervously, unsure of why you were laughing. “Mia’s my cousin.”

Shoot.

“Your cousin?”

“Hmm,” he glanced down and played with his wrist watch. “My family owns this restaurant.” You were not expecting that. “We get to eat here for free-”

“So, I’m a free meal?”

“What? No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” His head snapped up when you spoke. His hands reached across the table and held to yours. “I’ve actually never brought a girl here.” He mumbled while his thumb caressed your skin.

“I wasn’t even expecting the meal to be free-- I mean, I was expecting a discount, but I think my family is excited for me to finally stop sleeping around and bring someone here.”

You nodded in understanding. Your hands played with his. “Felix, you said you didn’t want to be tied down…”

“That was before I met you.” That smile of his could light up the entire restaurant.

You didn’t get to respond right away; a server came and took your drink order. He placed a basket of fresh bread on the surface and slid a platter of sweet butter alongside. You both ordered water and the server returned quickly with your drinks in hand.

“Have you decided on something to order?”

“Gosh, you’ve hardly given us time to decide, Kang.” Felix sneered and rolled his eyes.

“Right, yes. Of course. Sorry, sir.” The boy, around your age if not younger, fearfully backed away. Felix hung his head in shame when the server scurried away.

You held his hands in your; you stopped playing with them and held them still. “Lix-”

“I know, I know. I shouldn’t have snapped at him.” He raised his gaze to yours. He shuffled closer to you-- the booth made it easy for him to melt at your side so quickly-- and linked his fingers in yours once more. He tucked a wisp of hair behind your ear and kissed your neck. “I just want tonight to be perfect,” Felix breathed into your skin before sitting upright again.

You didn’t know what to say. He kept leaving you breathless; you could hear your heart pounding louder now that he was closer to you. And when his palm slid to your thigh in a non-sensual way, you prayed he wouldn’t hear how harshly your heart pounded against your rib cage.

"This isn't the best table here," he commented upon seeing your flustered state.

"We don't need to move tables. This is fine," you assured.

"I made sure Mia reserved this table. It wasn't hard; no likes sitting in the back corner anyways. But I like it here. I can kiss you without any bothersome stares."

Felix reached for a piece of bread and spread some butter on it before passing it to you. 'What a gentlemen,' you reminded yourself for the nth time this evening.

You took a sip of water after finishing the dough and spoke, “What’s the best meal here?”

“The alfredo.” He didn’t hesitate at all, and he reached for the menu to show you the different options. “My favorite is the regular chicken, but they're all decent.”

“I’ll have a chicken fettuccine alfredo then,” you giggled and swiped a hair out of his eye.

The things you did to him caused red to tickle his cheeks.

A different waiter came back and took your order. Felix explained the kid who previously served you was a distant, younger cousin and that they weren’t on the best of terms. You didn’t pry.

“Y/n?”

“Hm?”

Felix bit his lip gently before continuing, “What happened to your finals?”

“Oh, that.” You laughed deeply.

“Were there more posts like the one on Instagram or have people been bothering you?”

“No. Well, only you.” You smiled, and when you saw his clueless face, you added: “I couldn’t really study because I kept thinking of you.”

“I’m glad it was because of me. I don’t know what I would’ve done if students had been hurting you,” he admitted and leaned a little closer to your warmth, blushing.

He watched as you tried to refold the cloth napkin into its original swan origami. And when he took his and instantly folded it back, an engaging conversation about origami fortune tellers and puppets took place. Apparently, Felix was in his 5th grade talent show with a few of his buddies. They put on a Star Wars puppet show made with construction paper. The talent show gave no winners, but Felix was certain they would’ve won.

“Who would’ve known you, the mysterious campus bad boy, was into arts and crafts,” you giggled delicately at him.

“Am I still a bad boy in your eyes?”

“No!” Your response was swifter than intended. “Sorry that was a poor choice of words. You were the campus bad boy, but now you’re all mine.” You pressed against his torso and kissed his lips.

“You changed me, y/n.” Felix began and paused his words when the plates of pasta arrived. “I found myself desperate for you. So desperate. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone but you. I stopped jumping from bed to bed a while ago; I hoped it would prove myself to you. Because y/n, I want to be tied down with you for the rest of my life.”

It occurred to him that you hadn’t stopped looking at him since he began speaking. You hadn’t even touched your plate yet.

“Stop staring at me,” he blushed.

You moved your eyes to the cuisine and twirled the pasta. “I’m so in love with you I don’t think that’s possible.”

Felix’s fork clinked onto the ceramic plate. He faced you and met your gaze.

“Wait, was that too soon? I didn’t mean to offend-”

You couldn’t finish your apology with his breath dangerously close to your lips. “I love you, too.”

His lips were creamy and warm when they pressed into yours; they tasted like alfredo sauce. His pinky maneuvered its way to lock with yours while the other hand pulled you deeper into the kiss. He moved away after ensuring your pinky finger was connected with his.

Felix admired how dazed you looked after just one kiss. He didn’t notice it last night, but then again, that was the first kiss you had shared together. You opened your doe eyes at him, and he smirked.

“I’ll kiss you later. Eat your food.” He bent over his plate and continued to eat. You did the same. “How does it taste?” Felix asked, confident it would meet your expectations.

“It’s delicious,” you faced to him and smiled. Your pinky gave his a loving squeeze. “But…”

His eyes widened slightly. “But…?”

“The sauce tasted better on your lips.”

You pivoted back to your dish; you tucked that stray hair back behind your ear and bit your lips.

Felix looked down at his plate and pierced his lips together as he grinned. “You really are perfect,” he breathed, before twirling another spoonful of pasta into his mouth.

“Do you know how to make this?” You confidently inquired.

“I do,” he hummed.

“This is the best fettuccine alfredo I’ve ever had, and having a boyfriend who can make it-- you’re truly the love of my life.” Although you said it in a teasing way, you meant it, and Felix knew you meant it.

Despite not knowing each other for long, being in his presence made you feel loved and safe. And Felix vowed to do just that.