#bc it’ll allow me to get experience in a couple of different fields before i commit to one study

[digitaldiseas3]

okay i did a little bit of looking into grad programs, i spent 45ish minutes poking around a bit and im still stressed and overwhelmed but at least i have a sort of starting point now…

[springcloudsmind]

July 4, 2023 | 12:41 am

Recently because of the things going on in my life (esp. the acads), I started to ask God about things I didn’t expect to. I thought I’ve already addressed trust and hope in Him. But apparently I haven’t.

I asked if God cared. If He loves me then why didn’t he make things smooth when I applied for the course I wanted. He says He cares but why can’t I shine in the field that I like and enjoyed and dreamt of since I was little. I wasn’t asking for too much. I wanted to shine to glorify Him with my talent. I wanted to put my heart out there. But I feel suppressed. I knew I could do more than this. But my our finances stops me to. My family’s opinion shuts me out. The society’s perspective pushes me down. Due to this I’ve become hopeless. Engineering broke me. I lost myself trying to pursue what everyone wanted for me. I have become a silent chaos.

But God did. He cared. He speaks. He moves. He listens. He knows.

This is what He reminded me when I sought him in the bible that day. He continues to do so when I’m walking in the street. He embrace me when I listen to Christian music. He smiles at me when the sunlight taps my skin. He lets me rant it out when my mind is a mess. Through these moments He reminds me that He is my Father, my God, my Savior.

I wanted that program, but my one desire in this life is to be with Him. I wanted that program, but he wants me to be with Him. To go through —disappointments, exhaustion, sadness —brokenness so that I run to Him. So that I admit my limitlessness and sinfullness. He cares more to what is unseen.

1 Samuel 16:7 - Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart

I wanted to shine for the story I’ve made for myself, He wanted me to shine with His story in me. Maybe if I got what I wanted, it’ll go in my head. Like Jacob, God allowed him to go through the injustice, longing, and effort to address the problems of his heart and protect him. God delt with the root cause. Jacob didn’t immediately change for the good. In fact, he still lied a couple of times. But he was blessed. Not because of what he did but bc God was with Him. God’s grace and loved compelled him to also be gracious and love. It wasn’t easy the years after when we heard Joseph’s story, but we knew he was with God.

My hearts wasn’t completely his. So he cleared that.

Engineering didn’t break me: Engineering built me. I learned that all courses are hard but easy if i really try to. I learned to practice calculations. I learned to face my professors and classmates even when I’ve missed or failed a task in that class. I learned to be true to myself I can only do so much. I need sleep. I need an accountability partner and support system, believer and non. I need to learn to manage my finances, to eat when I’m starving, to ride the jeep when I’m tired. I need to get off my comfort zone. I need to face my fears. I need to do my part in studying cuz only then will I pass. I need to trust and be reminded of God day by day, not only on some. I need Him. I learned my ONE THING: to experience Him so that I can help others too. I need to get my ass of the bed early to cry and sort things out to God before I minister for and in Him in classes. I need to withdraw and say “no” to friends so I can give time for Him when i wasn’t able to in the morning. I need to attend classes because then will I be among the people and be compassionate through the Gospel. I need to do the hard things now if I want to have a weekend or even a vacation. I need to appreciate where I am because most people couldn’t even step on this univ. I learned to be happy for my classmates who was flying in our field even when I wasn’t. I learned that everyone is at a different pace and strengths.

I didn’t lose myself, I found it. I became aware more of my weaknesses and flaws. I discovered my wants and needs and what I didn’t. I saw my reflection in how God sees me — a saint. Sinning but not living in sin. Pressed but not crushed. Confused but not losing hope. 2 cor 4:8. This has resulted in eternal life in me. In my chaos, God found me and introduced me to me.

I wasn’t a silent chaos, I have become a resounding peace. One that is has experienced God’s unthinkable peace. One that is held in His plan. One that walks with the God of the heavens and earth, who is eternal and full of glory. If I am limited then why don’t i just trust the one who knows what will happen and what is best for me. Who sends janitors, jeep drivers, angkas drivers, classmates and his church when I turn my face away from Him. Who loves me will all that He has, even his life. Who left the 99 for me. Who continually pursue me and ask me to allow him to do so. (Hosea 3: 14)

Psalm 8:4 - What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?

end 1:55am

I asked if God cared. He says He loves me enough to not make things smooth when I applied for the course I wanted.

Loc: Sunken Garden