#but I did think about it. for a nontrivial amount of time

[amrv-5]

Having very uncharitable thoughts about group projects

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

While we're here, I just want to add an example of a good response to Harris' video.

In the first half of the video, Harris briefly mentions a creator called Lukeypoo (who now goes by Luke Stephens) who had plagiarised Harris' Bloodborne review, and his response at the time was to deny it, signal to his alt right buddies and insult Harris.

After the video came out, Luke Stephens made a post on his community page regarding it:

For those, who can't see the screenshots, it reads:

A video went up on YouTube last night that showed something I did 6 years ago in early 2017, of which I'm very ashamed. I've talked about it on stream plenty since then and try to be very open about it, but I know a lot of people haven't been watching me since 2017 or have not heard me discuss this before. I don't want to hide from my mistakes or deflect, so very plainly here's what happened:

I was just starting on YouTube and I ripped off a phenomenal video on Bloodborne. It was a fantastic video by hbomberguy and after finding it through a Reddit post I tried to take his 1.5 hour masterpiece and make my own suckier version at around 7 minutes. I copied the premise, jokes, structure, and then pretended like it was all just a coincidence that they were so similar. I was a 19 year old idiot who thought it didn't matter because "he's a bigger creator so it's fine" and "it's just the internet." When I was rightly called out for copying his video I dodged, lied, and even attacked and insulted the appearance of those holding me to account, including hbomberguy himself. I copied someone's video, in parts word-for-word, and I pretended like *I* was the victim and *they* were being unreasonable. Unbelievable. There is no question at all: I was in the wrong, fully.

Let me be very clear: I whole heartedly disown who I was back then and what I did. Politically, religiously, and even morally/ethically I was a person that I hate today. I was an extremist, a bully, a religious zealot, and above all, a prick. This event sparked a spiral in my personal life that I didn't document online, but that has led me to who I am today. Someone who tries very hard to respect my fellow creators, audience, and to uphold a high ethical standard for myself. I strive every day to be a better man for myself, my family and kids, and for the community around me. And that's why I'm writing this, because I don't think we should hide from our mistakes or pretend they didn't happen. I screwed up, big time, and I stole the hard work of an incredibly talented creator and for that I'm incredibly sorry. I was 19, hard headed, and above all arrogant and unwilling to acknowledge I had screwed up. It took a couple years after that before I could openly admit what I had actually done, and that it took that long is all the more shameful.

I don't expect a response or certainly forgiveness, but for what it's worth, I am truly sorry for everything, @hbomberguy

For the last 6 years I've been working my butt off to be someone I can be proud of being and I hope you all can see that the man I am today is not the shameful excuse of a person I was back then.

I've never watched a video or stream by Luke Stephens so I can't attest as to his content, but this is one of the best responses I've seen to any kind of accusation, and so I lean towards believing him to be a better man than he was six years.

I thinks it's important to highlight the good response/s to Harris' video, to remind ourselves that plagiarism is not such an immoral action that from which you can't redeem yourself (though in Somerton's case, I'm less sure of that) if you take accountability for your actions, and to remember that in most cases, we should give people space to grow and become better.

The swiftness and brutality of Hbomberguy’s complete evisceration of James Somerton’s career cannot be overstated.

[catalyswitch]

Was talking with wife recently about AI and the ways it's incredibly stupid and I am reminded of the time a few years ago the Execs at the place I worked previously wanted to incorporate AI into our workflow in order to help materials development. They wanted to make sure that the company was "utilizing the latest technology to make us more productive" so they partnered with a company that uses AI/ML to predict chemical structures in order to enhance performance based on our desired properties. My boss and I kinda thought this was stupid when it was first announced, but we were still unprepared for how bad it was really going to be.

The problem of course here is that what a computer thinks is good and will perform well does not often make sense according to the laws of physics. So more often than not the computer would spit out extremely specific and nonsensical structures that it believed would increase performance. These structures could range from completely impractical to sometimes downright impossible to actually make, so for every set of predictions we got back we had to first filter all the nonsense and then select a set from the ones that could be made and tested in a reasonable amount of time. In addition, they emphasized that the more data that they have the better the predictions would be, so the pressure was on to synthesize and validate as many molecules as possible as quickly as possible. This was a huge drain on time and energy because again some of these structures were nontrivial to make. Not that the computer people would be able to tell the difference. But still the executives were excited about it so we gave it a try anyway. The idea was that we would start by making a bunch of different materials and test the results and then feed those results back into the machine to predict better structures based on the ever growing data pool.

The funny part of the story, of course, is that with every iteration, the performance got worse. This was not surprising to me. The mechanisms that dictate performance in this field are not fully understood even now, and there are still many papers coming out every year adding more knowledge to the field. Additionally, the predictions weren't being made using some fundamental understanding of the mechanisms at play, but by training an algorithm using a pool of existing literature. You're just not going to get good results by "midjourneying" chemistry. We did around 3-4 iteration cycles with them over that year contract and every time the performance of the structures that it had predicted were worse than the last set, sometimes dramatically so. And they would tell us "no no, the data set isn't really big enough to give good results yet" and "once the model has tested enough structures it'll get better" but it didn't in that period. And it's possible that on a long enough timescale it might be possible? But, the reality was that we had a whole year of time and resources essentially wasted because our CEO thought that some tech guys in SV could use AI to do chemistry and didn't believe us when we said it was stupid.

And you know what? We figured out something that worked really well less than six months after dumping them and getting to do it our way again.

[etirabys]

on jogging

I took up jogging 2.5 months ago. I'm going off the c25k schedule, which slowly ramps you up from couch potato fitness to being able to run a 5k. This was much more effective than just trying to get into jogging by mimicking other, fitter, joggers, which was what I did every previous time I briefly tried to get into jogging. I feel embarrassed for never having thought of this before – it's clear that 'my brain was off' in those times when I went mimicry-running.

One issue that made me get into jogging so ineffectively: I didn't realize how terrible my starting physical fitness was. I used to think I was… like… normal? No athlete, for sure, but I'm a "normal amount of miserable" on hikes (and can complete most of them), I'm an intermediate boulderer, I rarely notice activities I'm gated from because of fitness. But when I started c25k with three partners, none of whom regularly jogged, they were all significantly less winded than I was.

And for the first dang time in my life I explicitly had a thought that went, "I can run 1 minute before my body forces me to stop. My partners can run 3-4 minutes. Some people can run 30 minutes."

Once I actually had any sense of "jogging levels" it was so clear how close to the bottom I was when I started out. That gives me some hope that being much fitter will solve my fatigue problems?

I used to be able to run 1 minute, and now I can run 2. By one (terrible but also kind of reasonable?) metric, I'm twice as fit as I used to be. But a nontrivial fraction of the population can jog 30 consecutive minutes! It seems worth getting to that point to see what that does to my energy levels / cognition.

–

Also: I haven't been sticking to the c25k schedule. I go 1.5 times a week where it expects 3, and I stuck a level between week 2 and week 3 because the 1.5m->3m jump looked insane to me. I've been on that custom level 2.5 for a month. I had a mindblowing conversation with the giant and 81k yesterday where I went, yeah, I've been stuck at week 2.5 because I've felt unready for week 3. And they said, that's probably because you're not going enough.

What do you mean? I asked. I've run about a full session and a half session every week for four weeks. Isn't that the same as 3 full sessions every week for two weeks?

No, they said, surprised I didn't know this. There's an optimal timing. If you'd probably stuck literally to the c25k schedule you probably could have gone from level 2 to 3 in a week.

GYARJRGH? I said. FUSBARIJIJJLK?

(I still disbelieve the literal claim that I can go to level 3 after doing level 2 properly, but I believe them that I would be leveling up a lot faster if I stuck to the schedule)

–

Anyway, some things I'd like to say to my past self, who felt obligated to work out for fatigue issues and then proceeded to exercise very badly because there was such a big ugh field around the topic of exercise:

You do not realize how big the gap between you and even moderately athletic people is. This is good, actually. It means that the correct place to start is easier than you think.

You should try to do it like 3 times a week. Date a jock. There are some on tumblr

Consider starting this when you have positive pressure rather than negative pressure. When you're buckling under multiple joy-sparking projects and want to rise to the challenge, it will be much easier to start & stick to it than when you're an anhedonic lump who has nothing to look forward to, but knows that exercise will in theory make life better in some vague way.

[joelmillerthirstqz]

From this prompt: Joel meets y/n and he makes it his MISSION to fuck her. Throw in a daddy kink if you’re brave

(I did, with ten thousand character-intensive caveats. Porn with obligatory plot, is there a tag for that? Anyway have some suspiciously assertive Joel)

---

Joel moves throughout the rooms of his house, picking up one occupation after the next, bored around one in the afternoon and faced with the reality that he neither remembers nor knows what to do with actual free time, safety, and space of his own. Tommy and Maria had brought some kind approximations of traditional housewarming, but much of his home was furnished by the previous resident and he sat there overwhelmed by spatial possibility. For all his griping about Ellie’s perpetual stream-of-consciousness chattering, the silence roared in his ears like he’d been dragged downstream.

Do people just go drink now? Just talk to each someone to pass the time? he thinks to himself, frustrated. By the time he could legally go to a bar, he’d been twenty-one and Sarah had been three, her mom long gone. He hadn’t spent time alone since the outbreak—always Tommy or Tess and others in between nearby. Acute problems to solve, no time for chronic reflection.

Tommy brought a lone box of possessions from his apartment with a case of cheap beer the night Sarah’s mom left, hanging around more tangibly than any other family had and often taking Sarah to school once Sarah was old enough. Tommy joked that it was more like Joel having two kids to deal with; Joel ribbed him for perpetually flirting with the very clearly married moms of his niece’s classmates.

Joel gulps a breath, self-flagellating with the idea that he hadn’t been able to protect Sarah when Tommy and Maria so clearly deserved to have their own child, forgetting as ever that his brother executed the soldier that shot Sarah before he could get to Joel—without a blink.

Wonderful. That’s what you do alone with your thoughts for two seconds. Jesus, Joel, he grumbles inwardly.

He’d been dragged to so many damn things since settling in Jackson and didn’t know what to do when it was his choice, so he looks outside. If Ellie’s light is on, he’ll go awkwardly try to make conversation, see if she’s okay. If she’ll be caught in a forgiving mood; if not, if he’s really pushing it.

Joel’s boots thud softly on the flagstone they’d carefully laid together, a path for her to get up to the house without soaking her sneakers through. Tonight, though, she’s gone or playing dead, so he sighs and shrugs a coat on, headed for the Tipsy Bison.

————

Joel spent a nontrivial amount of his time lately fending off interested parties in Jackson.

It was just cuffing season, he dismissed—encroaching fall making people a little weird. Since he’d begun to settle in, slowly accustoming himself to having Ellie out of his sight often and a normal couch in a house without shattered windows, he’d slowly accepted more public interactions. He’d grudgingly shoulder into town meetings, quiet until Tommy or someone else would put a question to him like he had a fucking clue.

Joel went on patrol, helping some of the greener residents learn to keep themselves safe. Unfortunately, it meant more people caught sight of him. Joel was used to prowling through quarantine zones swollen with cowering masses plainly terrified of him, which left him minimally prepared for reactions he thought he’d stopped evoking long ago.

The people whose breath hitch when they first notice him, the longing stares when he’d finally break and smile or laugh—they’d gotten embarrassing enough for him to avoid certain places.

Whenever Joel seems like he’s about to not comply with her wishes, Maria frequently threatens to tell the women who ask her in lewd tones if Tommy has a brother the truth—he does, and how about I introduce you?

The truth was he didn’t feel capable of starting anything with someone who’d ask where he’d been. Joel didn’t want to remember, even if he’d finally pinned the picture of himself with Sarah at a soccer game up next to the blooming collection of pictures in his living room with Ellie, Polaroids in Jackson blooming over nearby wall space every few weeks. People who wanted honesty to go with their peaceful existence reminded him too much of Tommy’s near-fatal optimism, and he felt like it would be too dishonest to start anything with anyone who still lost sleep over distasteful things done to survive. Delightful first-date baggage, in his estimation.

At the Tipsy Bison, he edges in by the drinking patrol nearest the door, welcomed gruffly and responding the same. It was nice to be recognized without raw fear or calculation as he entered, and Joel warms enough to drop his coat over the back of his chair, his rust-colored flannel’s buttons parting over the shirt beneath it as he moves, listening to Eugene tell some inflated war story with an almost-cold beer.

“Alright, fuck this. Knuckle up, asshole, I’m not doing this on patrol tomorrow,” Joel’s ears perk up at the sound of your chair clattering backwards as you stand. Joel recognizes you from the newer batch of arrivals, clearly deemed capable enough to join an early patrol just days after your arrival.

“Jesus, settle the fuck down,” one of the younger patrolmen grouses, standing up. Alex. Oh, the dumb kid.

“Nope. Now or never,” you insist.

“Listen, I’m not hitting you,” he sounds unapologetic but tries to portray himself as the reasonable party. He’s wiry, and Joel’s seen him fend for himself, but his posture doesn’t belie cool confidence.

“You clearly have some doubts, so let’s get into it,” you urge, agitated beyond belief. He’d been needling you about perceived skill, something about not growing up having to field dress animals, and you’d fucking had it. He was going to make a point on patrol and get someone hurt, and you were not carrying bodies back into Jackson because of some ego or misplaced crush.

He taps your shoulder mockingly with a closed fist, a gentle little motion, trying to smile playfully.

You hook him across the jaw, staggering him before taking a knee to his stomach as he tries to right himself.

“More, or you’re finished?” you ask.

Joel fully sits up in his chair. He hasn’t seen anything like this in Jackson. Glancing over both shoulders for his brother, Maria, and finding a clear coast he watches the outcome with interest, sipping his beer with an upturned mouth.

You’re cute, or appealing, or some reflexive word Joel hadn’t used in years, pushing hair out of your eyes as you regain your center.

Alex tries to sweep your legs out, successfully swiping one and getting a knee to the diaphragm for it as you land.

“Okay, fuck, I’m done,” he grunts and you rise easily, offering him a hand.

“Good,” you mumble, letting go the second he’s righted. You look around a little chastened by all the eyes on you, deciding to forego another round.

“I’m going to bed before we do this again,” you nod at Alex, and the rest of the patrol group you recognize in turn.

Joel eyes you as you depart, beer polished off and goodbyes waved, coat gripped in his fist to be flung on once outside. He knows your name, had seen you near the stables and conversing with the patrols. Hearing you speak, despite the context, maybe because of it, let him confirm something he’d been suspecting when he caught glimpses of you before. Never having had the right circumstances or raw spare time to devote all his energy to taking someone to bed, he steels himself to confirm it.

He trots after you, tugging his jacket back on and finding his way to the four-story hotel the town had spent arduous time clearing, stripping of spores, and making hospitable enough for people new to Jackson. Joel ended up leading a lot of the effort himself, vaguely proud to be doing something other than dismantling things, stretching old skills. Your little corner balcony faces off of one side, a nice view of the town unfolding as people begin to switch lights on for a sooner-than-yesterday sundown. You’re appreciative of a strange little luxury—not sure when the last time you stood with your back to a door without anticipating some infected would burst through.

You lean your elbows on the railing, a flask of whisky tipping in your fingers as you watch Jackson light up, a lone figure’s long strides coming into view down the broad street. The night is cool against your skin, but the little shiver the breeze causes feels affirming.

You’d always loved the fall, and Jackson’s soft sounds of life feel unreal enough that you could never sit here just sobering up before bed. It would leave you too wired, buzzing with the anxiety of certain impermanence. Reconciling this liminal zone with the gnashing horror just beyond it wasn’t something you’d take on without help. If Jackson was only a passing reprieve, you had to make yourself calm enough to enjoy it.

Joel halts below where you’re standing, hands on his hips pulling his jacket open as he looks up at you.

You’re instantly sheepish—you’d guessed in whatever patrol hierarchy there was, he was rather important. And you’d just visibly beaten someone down.

“Alex okay?” you call.

“He’ll be peachy. Not here for that,” Joel retorts, low drawl pleasant.

“Well,” you shrug, gesturing to the two mismatched chairs on the balcony with your flask. “Allow me to be a gracious host.”

He smiles and looks down for a moment. Even a couple of stories above him, you can see his height, start to assess his proportions because you’re too tipsy to be a human fucking being about your first interactions in a good place. You quickly add up a sum: his legs are long, shoulders broad, hair long enough to tug on. His frame suggests complete capability and you have a dire need to test it.

Aw, fuck.

“Y’know, I’ve got real glasses for drinking that,” Joel insinuates before he can tell himself to shut the fuck up, or to stop harassing newcomers, or any other sensible thought.

“Fair enough,” you call, closing your flask and holding a finger up to signal that he should wait.

When you arrive downstairs, boots poorly laced and denim jacket barely enough for the chill, Joel’s leaning on the veranda of the whole structure. You suppose its fair to gawk in appreciation so you do, assuring yourself you could have chosen not to.

“Look, I’m not going to ask what this is, and you won’t ask why I’m saying yes, okay?” you say softly when you’re a couple of feet from him.

Joel raises his eyebrows, feeling untethered. Some corner of him expected to humiliate himself to death so he could go home and fall asleep barely after dark, anything to shut himself up until he was occupied again. His heart speeds a little at your reply, hand on the back of his neck as he pushes back onto both feet.

“I’m close,” Joel offers, hand down towards the street, fists quickly in his own pockets. You pull your bottom lip inward, looking at his profile, wanting to hear it again, lower, helpless.

You pass the walk in tense but not unpleasant silence, glancing at each other until you reach his porch and he edges in to unlock his door.

Turning on lights as you toe off your boots and follow him inside, you watch how he moves, past the need for any type of persuasion. He returns from the kitchen with two matching, unchipped short glasses and a cylindrical glass of amber liquid.

“Trade?” Joel asks setting the bottle down and closing an open window. Your mouth quirks.

“That’s a nice custom. It a Jackson thing?” you ask, tipping your flask into his glass as he returns and pours from the bottle for you.

He laughs, sharp hazel eyes jumping up to you and back down, hand running over his beard.

“Not sure. What else would you do?”

You drop onto one of the two couches, arranged in the way that says people actually spend time here together. Joel gets onto his knees to build a fire, definitely a necessity, though kind of needlessly sweet for the occasion.

“This?” you tease, gesturing between the two of you. Joel joins you on the same couch, heat radiating into the space around you, well before the spark in the fireplace could catch enough to reach you.

You take stock of each other in comfortable silence, and a slow grin moves from one side of your face to the other. You finish your drink with a tinge of shyness, setting it down as he does the same.

You have no warning before his mouth is on yours, hands on either side of your face. It’s achingly good to be kissed with complete attention, luxury of time changing the entire tenor of kissing another person. You’re grounded to who’s holding you, mouth accepting him as Joel leads, guiding your jaw where he wants it with the flat of his palm. Joel moves slowly, plenty of time for you to reciprocate his motions though you begin to shift closer, scant sense of rhythm keeping you from straddling his hips.

The taste of him and your anticipatory haze keeps you fixed on the kiss, his hands sliding lower and beginning to move you towards his lap.

You try not to break the kiss with a smile, but it happens anyway and he looks up curiously. You sit back on your heels and tear through the buttons of your jacket, tossing it over the back of the couch and stroking fingernails through his beard before beginning the kiss again. Joel tugs you closer by the hip, urging you into his lap. He scans your face intensely, pulling you fully against him and letting his hands run the expanse of your back.

You can feel how rough his hands are through your shirt, so your fingers fly to his to work the buttons of his flannel.

“Christ,” you roll your eyes, exposing a second shirt underneath. He chuckles warmly in his chest, your foreheads bowed together a moment.

“C’mon,” Joel mutters, broad hands under each of your thighs as he rises with you wrapped around him. A segment somewhere in your brain shimmers, clicking with the novel experience, a knockout strike in the lane of neurons igniting to remember their roles.

“Where’s c’mon?” you ask incoherently between kisses, moving your mouth to his neck so he can answer. You think regretfully that it’s probably substantially warmer down here, fire catching nicely.

“Upstair—” Joel cuts off, your teeth nipping his pulse point.

You feel his heart jump against your mouth and your chest at once. You kiss him slowly as he takes you upstairs, stopping halfway up. He pushes you against the banister and deepens the kiss, hard length made clear. Shifting you closer to his waist once you resume, Joel’s hands creep a little higher, fingertips edging up as they dig in.

As you reach his bedroom, you have one hand hooked in the bottom seam of his shirt, ready to pull it off as he tries to set you down. Joel grunts when you tangle his broad shoulders in it, getting free and discarding it agilely. He bears down on you under dark lashes, chest rising and falling noticeably. The chill upstairs dissolves quickly as you twine together, hands running over his chest. It’s impressively broad and defined, thickening line of hair leading into his jeans.

You strip out of your two shirt layers with a casual roll of your upper body. Joel’s rapt eyes dragging over every rib leave you feeling exposed until his hands cover your breasts, mouth on your neck. You try to tug the rest of him towards the bed by the belt loops, but get frustrated and try to unclasp his belt instead.

Joel stoops to claw quickly at his boots, both thrown one handed before coming to rest against the wall. He hasn’t taken his eyes from you as you rise to slip your jeans down, one hand already curled back around your waist. He spreads his other hand across your abdomen, callused fingertips making you shudder appreciatively. Shoving you back, Joel gets to his knees with one of your legs hooked over his shoulder, grasped in his palm, kissing down your thigh. His free hand still moves over the rest of you.

Your mind is blankly focused on the rasp of his beard inside your legs. If you were honest, head wasn’t a frequent priority after the outbreak, sex usually a time-sensitive stress fix—for everyone. Add to that the average skill of the college peers you’d fucked before and, well, you’d only ever mildly enjoyed it.

Joel sucks your clit into his mouth, hard, and you arc off the bed. He moves without an ounce of uncertainty, shifting and roughly positioning you for the best angle as he goes. Being pursued like this, by a person who squarely checks boxes you didn’t know were empty left you wet enough to take him the moment you’d been out of your pants. His tongue pushes inside of you, followed quickly by one finger and then another, static but wonderful. You writhe on the bed at the feeling, low hum of a chuckle skittering across your sensitive skin.

One hand in the sheets, your other makes it into his hair. You grind against him without being able to help it, riding the stretch of his fingers as his tongue laves forceful circles around your clit.

“Fuck,” you try to grit out, embarrassed by the disassembled breathiness of your voice. It’s more a sigh as he curls his fingers within you, hazel flicking up to watch your reaction. You paw at his shoulders blindly, wanting him closer, wanting to fuck him, trying to pull back from him to tell him. He’s deadset in his focus, teeth softly grazing you in reply to your attempt.

“Can you just—” Joel grumbles, rising,“—be good for one goddamned second—” he yanks you towards him by your ankle.

“This where you want me to tell you to make me?” you tease, sitting up in his lap and wrenching him closer with your legs.

He huffs a small laugh, making to kiss you, but you hold him back.

“I want you to make me, okay?” You say seriously, grasping the hair at his nape to emphasize it.

Joel leans forward, biting your lip with care.

“Alright,” he confirms, hands around your jaw. You taste yourself on him, and a near-growl ripples through him, evident through his chest pressed against yours.

You duck away from his kiss, not caring to get his jeans off before getting a hand around his cock, your mouth enclosing the tip before you can register how much there is to take.

“Christ,” he breathes, eyes shut, face turned towards the ceiling. As your hand becomes slick enough to work over his shaft, his hands stabilize in your hair, bunching. You feel him flex in your mouth as he parts his lips and tugs on your hair, hauling you up level with his face.

“You don’t get to end it now,” Joel smiles, mouth almost against yours. You smile at the rough motion, hot interest skipping down your spine. His opposite hand is running over your chin while he composes himself, far closer than he’d wanted to be at this point.

You bite his fingers, pulling two deftly in to suck and keeping his gaze. His pupils darken and you feel a surge of pride at the same time as you feel him shove you back onto the bed, tearing his jeans off and finally joining you. Joel covers you, kissing you roughly and pulling your thighs around his hips, on his knees. He sheathes inside you without resistance, groaning and bowing his head at first. Even ready, he stretches you noticeably and you gasp at his first experimental thrusts, dragging your hips up to his each time.

You rise up to meet him, nails dug into his shoulders for traction, meeting his thrusts.

Joel hisses more in chastisement than discomfort at it, smacking your ass curiously.

“You know I’m not delicate,” you say close to his ear, snapping the lobe between your teeth unnecessarily hard.

“Shit, ow—” he grumbles, smacking you harder. You moan at the feeling, spread over his lap and trawling nails down his back. You tug where you’ve latched on, moving lower and biting his neck. He does it again, rolling his hips as you clench down on him. You scrape your teeth over his shoulder. Joel hits you again, force of it stinging how you’d hoped.

You provoke him to continue, pulling his hair, hard, and biting the skin over his collarbone.

Joel fists your hair and tugs back hard, exposing your throat to him even as you keep riding him, spanking you with almost musical timing. You almost draw blood scratching your nails out of his hair to the nape of his neck, grinning from your forced angle as he pants under you.

Joel leans forward and nips carefully over your larynx, clamping down hard on tendons just next to it. It’s a brash spot to suck a bruise into, and even the less visible parts of your body would surely be screaming on patrol in the morning.

You cry out, nerves and instinctive reaction to teeth near your neck making your heart and your cunt clench.

Joel flips you without effort, pressing a palm against your lower back to shove you into the mattress. You feel him strike your ass, once, twice, three times, and then his fingers are at your entrance, coaxing your hips to tilt up. He brushes his knuckles against you, leaning over to breathe into your ear.

“Here?”

“What did I just say?” You retort, appreciative of his caution but entirely sold on the possibility that walking will hurt tomorrow.

Joel doesn’t reply but you can see him roll his eyes from the corner of yours as he swats your cunt, hard, sensation shattering across your skin. You moan and he takes the initiative to do it again. Your shoulder blades pinch together around his hand, veering up with it. You turn your face entirely into the bed, muffling moans and faux-objections as he works, tenderness rising to the surface of your skin.

You feel Joel’s hands harshly grasp handfuls of your ass the second before he thrusts into you again, the force pinning you to the bed. He fucks you hard for long minutes, sweat building between you enough to make his hands slip. Joel’s forearm slides around your front and pulls you back against his chest.

You immediately claw at his arm, grateful to anchor yourself to him directly, pushing your hips down against his as he falls back to a gentler pace. His mouth reaches your shoulder and your hand flies to his hair again, straining to kiss him. Maybe it was weird to seek him like that—could still be a fantastic, unattached fuck—but Joel kisses you with this unerring focus that already makes you hope it will happen again.

“Takin’ me perfectly,” he drawls, some enunciation falling away with his blood coursing like this. You want to keep hearing him, so you nod and resume kissing him.

“More delicate than you thought? Need a break?” Joel taunts, and your eyes narrow as he speaks low and close, still thrusting shallowly.

“You want it hard again?” Joel teases, fingers skimming your stomach to roll your clit between them his thumb and index. It pinches and you suck in a breath, your hips floundering against his patient rhythm.

Your eyes spark and you decide to push.

“Yes, daddy,” you mock, almost sneering at him.

A dim recollection of a girl he’d briefly seen after Sarah’s mom left dusts itself off, and he reconnects dots that drifted apart from disuse after the outbreak. Joel raises his eyebrows at you and tips his head as if to say, “Well, alright then.”

You’re on your hands and knees before you can react, his hand spanning across your collarbones, bracing you against his repeated impact. Joel’s breathing becomes ragged each time he slides home, folding over you again to spill an endless wave of questions into your ear. His fingers are smoother across your clit now, drawing soaked concentric circles as you hitch.

“That’s it, baby girl,” Joel punctuates with a snap of his hips.

“You gonna come for me just like this?” Again.

“Come around my cock like a good girl?” Again, rough.

You moan, dropping to your elbows as he pounds into you, orgasm building inside of you spilling over to his fingers’ stimulation, a low groan meeting yours. You’re past words and shivering on the edge of climax when he taps your jaw.

“Focus up, c’mon,” he rumbles in your ear, demanding your attention. The pressure of his length against the tension inside of you has your vision blurring at the edges.

“Tell me,” Joel demands, pulling out halfway.

“Yes! Please, please,” you hear yourself sound panicky at the threat of losing his touch.

“Not what I asked you, baby,” he goads, nipping softly across your shoulders. His hand hasn’t stilled, and you know your eyes are rolling with the distracting pleasure of it.

“Yes, yes I will, please—”

“Tell me what,” he slips in an inch, voice shaky with thin control, fingers flexing where they meet your skin.

“Come for you, please don’t stop,” you plead, trying to shove your hips back to to meet his.

“That’s it, baby girl,” Joel murmurs and you break, quivering against his fingers and fussing with effort and relief. Your cheeks and mouth bloom red as your eyes droop with the onslaught of endorphins, still cresting as you feel Joel’s hips snap in quick succession, burying himself deep and making the best, most broken noise you could have hoped for. Even deep in your own fog, you reach for him, finding his mouth as it seeks yours again, aftershocks rolling through him.

Joel rolls onto his back, tugging you along one side. You don’t much enjoy being pinned if you weren’t also being penetrated, so the intimacy of lying there like lovers with someone you’d barely glimpsed, much less talked to, was unsettling.

Joel laughs like it’s easy for him, face lighting up with the motion, hand stroking your hair behind your ear.

“What?” You ask, propping yourself up on an elbow.

“Just surprised you said yes,” he clarifies. “I’m don’t—this isn’t a usual Wednesday for me,” he clears his throat.

You analyze his expression for a second, looking for the deceit and just finding something genuine and suspiciously shy for having nearly spanked you to orgasm minutes ago.

“You don’t accost every vulnerable newcomer and ply them with good whisky?” You prod, draping yourself over his chest, an easy negotiation of legs happening without either of you needing to acknowledge it.

“Bourbon, and, just the ones who start fistfights, really,” he teases, hands drifting over you, hungry warmth reaching his eyes as the afterglow begins to recede.

“Come downstairs?” Joel asks, like you weren’t tangled up in his bedsheets, surrounded and willingly captive to whatever he wanted.

“That was the original plan,” you protest, peering around for his shirt and slipping into it.

He smirks and kisses the tip of your nose, pausing and tipping your chin up to kiss you properly.

God damn it, you think. Oh, god damn it.

[evitcani-writes]

Is Reality a Simulation?

Okay, so I want to preface this post with: I am a computer scientist. I’m not a physicist. I want to talk about how and why the theory of reality being a simulation is ridiculous. 

Main points you can read in the jump below (this will be long):

The people who argue reality is a simulation aren’t computer scientists (we have proof that reality isn’t a simulation... yes, really)

We are reaching a plateau in digital technological advancement 

The technology needed to simulate the universe would require more matter than the universe holds

You are reading this post which is eliciting thoughts and feelings

Finally, I talk about the proof we have reality isn’t a simulation

Below the cut, I’ll go into detail.

The people who argue reality is a simulation aren’t computer scientists 

I strongly believe that outsiders to a field can bring new insight. In this case, I think it comes from a lack of understanding of how computers “think” (your computer is “thinking” right now). 

And yes, I’m choosing to focus on the philosophical explanation rather than the proofs reality isn’t a simulation because you won’t internalize the math required. But you will be able to see logical steps in reasoning with some light explanation. So, moving on...

When computer scientists and software engineers talk about computers “thinking”, we mean very specific things. Your computer has to prioritize tasks in a way that makes it feel seamless to you, the user. It’s making decisions. It’s thinking.

When other people talk about how computers “think”, they mean something more like how we think. Where decisions are a product of environment, past experience, personality and intention. 

The problem we have with true AI is that we humans always give computers an intention and focus. When you are telling someone to do something they can’t refuse, it’s not free will when they do it.

We’ve reached a plateau in digital advancement

Have you noticed the trend of phones getting larger instead of smaller? This is because we’ve reached the limits of the law that says technology will get faster and smaller every year. That law is called Moore’s Law. What people fail to realize is Moore’s Law is not a straight line. It’s a logarithmic curve that eventually plateaus and ceases to get larger. 

We fell below the pace predicted by Moore’s law in 2010. We slowed even further in 2015. 

That makes sense though, right? I mean... At some point you get down to electrons and the things that make up electrons and then how are you supposed to get smaller? I mean, we are experimenting with using the density of electrons to designate 0 and 1 binary in computers. 

This is what Gordon Moore (the “Moore” in “Moore’s Law”) said in 2005:

In terms of size [of transistors] you can see that we're approaching the size of atoms which is a fundamental barrier, but it'll be two or three generations before we get that far—but that's as far out as we've ever been able to see. We have another 10 to 20 years before we reach a fundamental limit. By then they'll be able to make bigger chips and have transistor budgets in the billions.

Just as he predicted, in 2015 transistors slowed to a crawl. The amount of technology we can pack into your phone is probably as good as it gets until we ditch computers altogether.

The technology needed to simulate the universe would require more matter than the universe holds

I’m not really gonna explain this one. I kind of did it above.

This section is just for the nerds. This will not make sense to people who aren’t nerds. You can skip it.

Perfect time to say that quantum computing will be a thing in the future probably. But even that would likely have to be simulated because the only way to get real quantum computer is to have the computers be kept at near 0 Kelvin which reaching 0 Kelvin is considered at this time to be impossible. So we can’t even perfectly do that until we do the impossible. 

And if we’re simulating quantum bits by rapidly gating between 0 and 1, we still run into the issue of computers being fundamentally deterministic (i.e. unable to achieve True Random). 

I’m not even sure we’ll be able to conceptualize quantum computers as “computers”. Their use would obliterate our entire digital infrastructure and a user’s understanding of how to interface with one. We might be able to do simulations with it, but we’ve found that quantum computers are actually pretty bad at doing things that our binary computers do pretty well. Like harnessing randomness from mother nature, we’d likely end up with a hybrid system where deterministic results are created by truly random quantum computers to be fed into a deterministic interface. 

You are reading this post which is eliciting thoughts and feelings

Buried the lead on this one. This is what I really wanted to talk about. You are having thoughts about this post. Feelings. 

Computers don’t do that. They won’t do that. 

Fun fact about when you let AI talk to another AI: They completely transcend human understanding. Just like you come up with shorthand references like “yeet” that confuse boomers. AI will ultimately begin to develop language like that Dueling Carls video.

(Please god turn down your video before watching)

It’s almost hilarious how well this video demonstrates exactly what computers do. They start at the level of human understanding and then faster than you can blink, they ascend beyond what we could ever hope to conceptualize. The things about Facebook’s chatbots aren’t true of course, but they held a seed of truth.

AI will exist on another level. 

This is because computers (like humans) are greedy. They use the fewest possible resources to reach the same goal. If you programmed a computer to simulate the universe, then it would try to take shortcuts where it could. 

The fact that some people can think visually (seeing “pictures” in their mind) and others can’t really demonstrates that humans aren’t simulated. Or even further, did you know that humans really do have a 6th sense? It’s your ability to know where your body is when you can’t see it. Called propioception. 

We know it exists because people can be born without it. When they close their eyes they physically can no longer use their limbs. It’s genetic. 

Why would a computer account for these things? It’s made it harder to simulate a gene for propioception. Well, maybe the humans who programmed it, told it to account for that. 

Then why are you having thoughts about this post? Why read it at all? It’s going to get what... 5 notes? Why account for you at all. It can have you do things without that “inner voice” that’s reading these words. It doesn’t have to give you intention behind your actions. So then humans made it give you intention. 

Humans telling a computer to create humanity. And having to account for every single little thing. Telling it not to ignore the nuances of all human existence. 

Why would we do that unless we wanted to simulate our entire human history? 

How would we simulate all of our history if we didn’t know everything that everyone ever thought or felt? 

If you are a simulation, then you are memory of someone who is real. 

Finally, I talk about the proof we have reality isn’t a simulation

If you skipped to here, you’re going to be really disappointed. The math is complicated. You can read it here. 

Here’s a summary of their findings. 

In summary, we suggested that nontrivial gravitational/geometrical responses can be identified with obstructions to sign-free local QMC simulations. First, we pointed out that geometrical perturbations are unique in this context because they can always be added to a classical partition function without introducing complex phases or signs. Then, we established that having a global gravitational anomaly on an edge of a gapped system, as is the case for most fractional quantum Hall phases, implies a sign problem. The same argument extends to frustrated quantum magnets that support a chiral spin liquid phase, although here, some additional microscopic assumptions are currently required. Last, we pointed out that sign problems in critical 2D oriented loop models are also associated with a coupling of charge to curvature. Curiously, tensor network–based numerical approaches, for which the sign problem is irrelevant by construction, also struggle with simulating FQHE states (in the thermodynamic limit). This raises an intriguing connection between gravity and computational complexity via sign problems.

The point is that storing a single matrix of 20 spins of a quantum particle requires a terabyte of data. We’d run out of universe before we made even a small simulation. 

[homestuck-info]

The Homestuck Epilogues: Bridges And Off-Ramps

Andrew Hussie has released a massive explanation of his intents behind the Epilogues and plans for the future of the franchise. Fitting to his theme on subverting delivery of content, its in the newest episode of Pgenpod.

You can listen to the full episode here, with the message around the 1 hour mark, or read the transcript below:

The Homestuck Epilogues: Bridges And Off-Ramps ; By Andrew Hussie:

The history of printed version of The Homestuck Epilogues is also the history of The Homestuck Epilogues themselves, because I originally envisioned releasing them only as a book like this, to even further emphasize their conceptual separation from the main narrative. If you know anything about the epilogues, you probably already understand that conceptually distinguishing themselves from the story by their presentation as "fanfiction" is an important part of their nature and what they are trying to say. In the form of a book (which you can read from one side, or flip upside down and read from the other) it somewhat carries the feeling of a cursed tome. Something which maddeningly beckons, due to whatever insanity it surely contains, but also something which causes feelings of trepidation. There's an ominous aura surrounding such a work, probably for a few reasons. The sheer size of it means the nature of the content probably isn't going to be that trivial. The stark presentation of the black and white covers, its dual-narrative format, the foreboding prologue combined with an alarming list of "content warnings", and even the fact that an "epilogue" is delivered with a "prologue" first, all adds up to a piece of media that appears designed to make the reader nervous about what to expect from it. Such is the nature of a cursed tome retrieved from a place which may have best been left undisturbed. It is also the nature of any creative inclination to reopen a story which had already been laid to rest - a reader's desire to agitate and then collapse the bubble which contained the imagined projection of "happily ever after", simply by observing it. There exists inherent danger in a reader's eagerness to collapse that bubble, or to crack that tome. There is also danger in a creator's willingness to accommodate that desire. It's a risk for all involved. It should be.

Obviously, it wasn't released as a book, until now (the plans for printing it had already been made, but were just delayed until well after its release on site). We decided to just release it all on the site so everyone could read it right away if they wanted. There was a long tradition of making all content freely accessible on the site, and we just produced one utterly enormous update which we were perfectly aware would cause a massive amount of discussion and agitation in the fandom. Overall it was probably better to just get it out there, let people read it relatively quickly, form their opinions on it, and then begin discussing it critically. In other words, people were going to feel something from all this, so it seemed better to just let it out there, allow the maximum number of people feel whatever it would cause them to feel, give people time to process those feelings, and then move on to whatever comes next.

But what comes next? That's a good question. I feel like the work does a lot to suggest it's not merely following up on the lives of all the characters after a few years, but also reorganizing all narrative circumstances in a way that points forward, to a new continuity with a totally different set of stakes. In this sense, I think it's heavily implied to be a piece of bridge-media, which is clearly detached from the previous narrative, and conceptually "optional" by its presentation, which allows it to also function as an off-ramp for those inclined to believe the first seven acts of Homestuck were perfectly sufficient. But for those who continue to feel investment in these characters and this world, ironically the very elements which could be regarded as disturbing or depressing are also the main reasons to have hope that there is still more to see. Because, as certain characters go to some length to elaborate on, you can't tell new stories without reestablishing significant dramatic stakes: new problems to overcome, new injustices to correct, new questions to answer. There can be no sense of emotional gratification later without first experiencing certain periods of emotional recession. And by peeking into the imagined realm of "happily ever after" to satisfy our curiosity, we discover that our attention isn't so harmless, because the complexities and sorrows of adult life can't be ignored. Nor can the challenges of creating a civilization from scratch, when several teenagers are handed god-status. It turns out the gaze we cast from the sky of Earth C to revisit everyone isn't exactly friendly, like warm sunlight. It's more like a ravaging beam, destructive and unsettling to all that could have been safely imagined. Our continued attention is the very property which incites new problems, and the troublemakers appear to be keenly aware of this. So they spring into action, and begin repositioning all the stage props for a new implied narrative. But "implied" is all it was. There was no immediate announcement for followup content, and I'm not announcing anything here yet either. More time was always going to be necessary to figure out what to do next, including what form it takes, the timing, and all those questions. For now I think it was alright to just let things simmer for a while, and give people an extended period of time to meditate on the meaning of the epilogues and why they involved the choices they did. But regardless of anyone's conclusions about it, I can at least confirm that it WAS designed to feel like a bridge piece since its conception.

Is it this way because an epilogue SHOULD be this way? No. It is this way because I thought that was the most suitable role for an epilogue to play in the context of the weird piece of media Homestuck has always been. The story experiments a lot with the way stories are told, and in particular messes with the ways certain stretches of content get partitioned and labeled. Playing with the labeling I think has ways of bringing attention to those labels, what they actually mean, and how they affect our perception of the events covered under certain labels. It can even get us to wonder why certain labels exist at all, and can expose "flaws" in the construction of stories which include them. For instance, "intermission" is such a label. But perhaps another way of saying intermission is, "whoops, the story is getting too long, here's a break from the real story with a bunch of dumb shit that doesn't matter". It's seemingly a tacit admission to a problem. And by continuing to toy with that label as the story rolls along, you start to unpack the nature of that problem by implicitly asking questions about it. If you have one intermission because the story got long... can you have two if it gets longer? Can you have even more than that? Once you have a multitude of intermissions, don't you have two dueling threads of content, one supposedly "irrelevant", and the other important? And if that's true, then is it possible for the "irrelevant" thread to accrue more importance, throwing its entire identity as "optional content" into question retroactively? And if that can happen, is it possible the two threads can flip roles, with the intermissions becoming more important than the main acts? Then once the story goes through the motions of answering "yes" to all of this, isn't it also fair to ask, why bother with this examination at all? Was it pure horseplay and trickery? Actually, yes, sort of. There is a trick involved. The gradual realization that intermission content is nontrivial forces the reader to reevaluate their perception of the material, which was originally influenced by a label presiding over that material, and what they believed that label meant. It relies on the reader's presumption about the label's meaning to disguise certain properties of the content (like relevance), and therefore disarms the reader initially, leading to the potential for subverting expectations about the content later in surprising ways. In other words, you can use whatever it is the reader already presumes they know about stories in order to control the perception of what they are reading, just by gradually shifting the boundaries of whatever it is they've been well trained to expect from certain elements.

So now the label "epilogue" has been toyed with in a similar way, and also in a manner which exposes an apparent flaw with the label. Or actually, just by using the label "epilogue" at all, it seems the story is admitting to an apparent flaw. If another way of saying intermission is "whoops, story's too long, here's a break", then an alternate way of saying epilogue is "whoops, I forgot some shit, here's some more". And we know right away this label will be subject to the same kind of trickery, since there are two story paths of eight epilogues each, prefaced by a shared prologue. It's already an unhinged implementation of the label before you even read it, which means it's probably time to get nervous about whether it satisfies your expectations about what the content existing under such a label should provide. Before you read it, it's already an invitation to start questioning what an epilogue even is, and whether it's kind of a silly idea even if applied conventionally. Take a 50 chapter novel with an epilogue, for example. Why isn't the epilogue just called chapter 51? Why was the choice made to label that content differently? Should we consider it an important part of the story, or should we not? If it's not important, why are we reading it? And if it is important, why is it given a label which is almost synonymous with "afterthought"? Is it a simple parting gift to the reader, to provide minor forms of satisfaction which the core narrative wasn't built to provide? Is it actually important to deliver those minor satisfactions? If it really is important, why didn't that content appear in chapter 51? And if it isn't, why bother at all? What are we even doing here?

By going down this path of questioning, it sounds like we're assembling a case against writing epilogues altogether. But actually, there's really nothing wrong with them. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to include in any story. It's just that the more you ask questions like these, the more you are forced to think about the true nature of these storytelling constructs, the actual purposes they're meant to serve. And with something like Homestuck, where issues like this are heavily foregrounded, like what should be considered "canon" vs. "not canon", or even more esoteric concepts like "outside of canon" or "beyond canon", then the issues you uncover when you ask such questions about an epilogue can't really be ignored. My feeling is, there's almost no choice but to turn the conventional ideas associated with epilogues completely inside-out, because of the inherent contradictions involved with crossing the post-canon threshold and revealing that which was not meant to be known. Stories end where they do for certain reasons, answering the questions which were thematically important to answer, and leaving some questions unanswered for similar reasons, and the reader is left with the task of deciphering the meaning of these decisions. Under the "whoops, I forgot some shit, here's more" interpretation of an epilogue as a flawed construct, by reopening an already closed-circuit narrative, what you're really doing is introducing destabilizing forces into something which had already reached a certain equilibrium, due to all the considerations that went into which questions to answer, and which to leave ambiguous. And these destabilizing forces became the entire basis for the construction of an entirely new post-canon narrative, for better or worse.

These are the types of things the epilogues let you to think about, along with a few other ideas. Like the fact that all narratives have perspectives and biases, depending on who is telling the story, even in the case where it's unclear if the narrator has any specific identity. The suggestion that all narratives are driven by agendas, sometimes thinly disguised, other times heavily. There's also stuff to think about just due to its presentation as fanfiction, and that it's the first installment of Homestuck which included other authors (contrary to some speculation I've seen, every word of all seven acts were written by me alone). By deploying it as mock-fanfiction, and including other authors, I'm making an overt gesture that is beginning to diminish my relevance as the sole authority on the direction this story takes, what should be regarded as canon, and even introducing some ambiguity into your understanding of what canon means as the torch is being passed into a realm governed by fan desires. If the epilogues really prove to be the bridge media they were designed to feel like, then I expect this trend to continue. The fanfiction format is effectively a call to action, for another generation of creators to imagine different outcomes, to submit their own work within the universe, to extend what happens beyond the epilogues, or to pave over them with their own ideas. And I believe the direness in tone and some of the subject matter suitably contributes to the urgency of this call to action.

I also think many of the negative feelings the story creates isn't just an urgent prompt for the reader to imagine different ideas, or ways to resolve the new narrative dilemmas. It's also an opportunity for people to discuss any of the difficult content critically, and for fandom in general to continue developing the tools for processing the negative emotions art can generate. Sorting that out has to be a communal experience, and it's an important part of the cycle between creating and criticizing art. I think not only can creators develop their skills to create better things by practicing and taking certain risks, fandom is something which can develop better skills as well. Skills like critical discussion, dealing constructively with negative feelings resulting from the media they consume, interacting with each other in more meaningful ways, and trying to understand different points of view outside of the factions within fandom that can become very hardened over time. Fandoms everywhere tend to get bad reputations for various reasons, maybe justifiably. But I don't see why it can't be an objective to try to improve fandom, just as creators can improve their work. And I think this can only happen if now and then fandoms are seriously challenged, by being encouraged to think about complex ideas, and made to feel difficult emotions. I believe when art creates certain kinds of negative feelings in people, it can lead to some of the most transformative experiences art has to offer. But it helps to be receptive to this idea for these experiences to have a positive net effect on your life, and your relationship with art.

So now I'm looking to all of you on the matter of where to go next. Wherever the most conscientious and invested members of fandom want to drive this universe, as well as the standards by which we engage with media in general, that will be the direction I follow.

[not-terezi-pyrope]

Andrew Hussie writes into Perfectly Generic Podcast about the Homestuck Epilogues

Transcript below comes from Reddit as well as the PGenPod wiki.

The Homestuck Epilogues: Bridges And Off-Ramps

by Andrew Hussie

The history of printed version of The Homestuck Epilogues is also the history of The Homestuck Epilogues themselves, because I originally envisioned releasing them only as a book like this, to even further emphasize their conceptual separation from the main narrative. If you know anything about the epilogues, you probably already understand that conceptually distinguishing themselves from the story by their presentation as "fanfiction" is an important part of their nature and what they are trying to say. In the form of a book (which you can read from one side, or flip upside down and read from the other) it somewhat carries the feeling of a cursed tome. Something which maddeningly beckons, due to whatever insanity it surely contains, but also something which causes feelings of trepidation. There's an ominous aura surrounding such a work, probably for a few reasons. The sheer size of it means the nature of the content probably isn't going to be that trivial. The stark presentation of the black and white covers, its dual-narrative format, the foreboding prologue combined with an alarming list of "content warnings", and even the fact that an "epilogue" is delivered with a "prologue" first, all adds up to a piece of media that appears designed to make the reader nervous about what to expect from it. Such is the nature of a cursed tome retrieved from a place which may have best been left undisturbed. It is also the nature of any creative inclination to reopen a story which had already been laid to rest - a reader's desire to agitate and then collapse the bubble which contained the imagined projection of "happily ever after", simply by observing it. There exists inherent danger in a reader's eagerness to collapse that bubble, or to crack that tome. There is also danger in a creator's willingness to accommodate that desire. It's a risk for all involved. It should be.

Obviously, it wasn't released as a book, until now (the plans for printing it had already been made, but were just delayed until well after its release on site). We decided to just release it all on the site so everyone could read it right away if they wanted. There was a long tradition of making all content freely accessible on the site, and we just produced one utterly enormous update which we were perfectly aware would cause a massive amount of discussion and agitation in the fandom. Overall it was probably better to just get it out there, let people read it relatively quickly, form their opinions on it, and then begin discussing it critically. In other words, people were going to feel something from all this, so it seemed better to just let it out there, allow the maximum number of people feel whatever it would cause them to feel, give people time to process those feelings, and then move on to whatever comes next.

But what comes next? That's a good question. I feel like the work does a lot to suggest it's not merely following up on the lives of all the characters after a few years, but also reorganizing all narrative circumstances in a way that points forward, to a new continuity with a totally different set of stakes. In this sense, I think it's heavily implied to be a piece of bridge-media, which is clearly detached from the previous narrative, and conceptually "optional" by its presentation, which allows it to also function as an off-ramp for those inclined to believe the first seven acts of Homestuck were perfectly sufficient. But for those who continue to feel investment in these characters and this world, ironically the very elements which could be regarded as disturbing or depressing are also the main reasons to have hope that there is still more to see. Because, as certain characters go to some length to elaborate on, you can't tell new stories without reestablishing significant dramatic stakes: new problems to overcome, new injustices to correct, new questions to answer. There can be no sense of emotional gratification later without first experiencing certain periods of emotional recession. And by peeking into the imagined realm of "happily ever after" to satisfy our curiosity, we discover that our attention isn't so harmless, because the complexities and sorrows of adult life can't be ignored. Nor can the challenges of creating a civilization from scratch, when several teenagers are handed god-status. It turns out the gaze we cast from the sky of Earth C to revisit everyone isn't exactly friendly, like warm sunlight. It's more like a ravaging beam, destructive and unsettling to all that could have been safely imagined. Our continued attention is the very property which incites new problems, and the troublemakers appear to be keenly aware of this. So they spring into action, and begin repositioning all the stage props for a new implied narrative. But "implied" is all it was. There was no immediate announcement for followup content, and I'm not announcing anything here yet either. More time was always going to be necessary to figure out what to do next, including what form it takes, the timing, and all those questions. For now I think it was alright to just let things simmer for a while, and give people an extended period of time to meditate on the meaning of the epilogues and why they involved the choices they did. But regardless of anyone's conclusions about it, I can at least confirm that it WAS designed to feel like a bridge piece since its conception.

Is it this way because an epilogue SHOULD be this way? No. It is this way because I thought that was the most suitable role for an epilogue to play in the context of the weird piece of media Homestuck has always been. The story experiments a lot with the way stories are told, and in particular messes with the ways certain stretches of content get partitioned and labeled. Playing with the labeling I think has ways of bringing attention to those labels, what they actually mean, and how they affect our perception of the events covered under certain labels. It can even get us to wonder why certain labels exist at all, and can expose "flaws" in the construction of stories which include them. For instance, "intermission" is such a label. But perhaps another way of saying intermission is, "whoops, the story is getting too long, here's a break from the real story with a bunch of dumb shit that doesn't matter". It's seemingly a tacit admission to a problem. And by continuing to toy with that label as the story rolls along, you start to unpack the nature of that problem by implicitly asking questions about it. If you have one intermission because the story got long... can you have two if it gets longer? Can you have even more than that? Once you have a multitude of intermissions, don't you have two dueling threads of content, one supposedly "irrelevant", and the other important? And if that's true, then is it possible for the "irrelevant" thread to accrue more importance, throwing its entire identity as "optional content" into question retroactively? And if that can happen, is it possible the two threads can flip roles, with the intermissions becoming more important than the main acts? Then once the story goes through the motions of answering "yes" to all of this, isn't it also fair to ask, why bother with this examination at all? Was it pure horseplay and trickery? Actually, yes, sort of. There is a trick involved. The gradual realization that intermission content is nontrivial forces the reader to reevaluate their perception of the material, which was originally influenced by a label presiding over that material, and what they believed that label meant. It relies on the reader's presumption about the label's meaning to disguise certain properties of the content (like relevance), and therefore disarms the reader initially, leading to the potential for subverting expectations about the content later in surprising ways. In other words, you can use whatever it is the reader already presumes they know about stories in order to control the perception of what they are reading, just by gradually shifting the boundaries of whatever it is they've been well trained to expect from certain elements.

So now the label "epilogue" has been toyed with in a similar way, and also in a manner which exposes an apparent flaw with the label. Or actually, just by using the label "epilogue" at all, it seems the story is admitting to an apparent flaw. If another way of saying intermission is "whoops, story's too long, here's a break", then an alternate way of saying epilogue is "whoops, I forgot some shit, here's some more". And we know right away this label will be subject to the same kind of trickery, since there are two story paths of eight epilogues each, prefaced by a shared prologue. It's already an unhinged implementation of the label before you even read it, which means it's probably time to get nervous about whether it satisfies your expectations about what the content existing under such a label should provide. Before you read it, it's already an invitation to start questioning what an epilogue even is, and whether it's kind of a silly idea even if applied conventionally. Take a 50 chapter novel with an epilogue, for example. Why isn't the epilogue just called chapter 51? Why was the choice made to label that content differently? Should we consider it an important part of the story, or should we not? If it's not important, why are we reading it? And if it is important, why is it given a label which is almost synonymous with "afterthought"? Is it a simple parting gift to the reader, to provide minor forms of satisfaction which the core narrative wasn't built to provide? Is it actually important to deliver those minor satisfactions? If it really is important, why didn't that content appear in chapter 51? And if it isn't, why bother at all? What are we even doing here?

By going down this path of questioning, it sounds like we're assembling a case against writing epilogues altogether. But actually, there's really nothing wrong with them. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to include in any story. It's just that the more you ask questions like these, the more you are forced to think about the true nature of these storytelling constructs, the actual purposes they're meant to serve. And with something like Homestuck, where issues like this are heavily foregrounded, like what should be considered "canon" vs. "not canon", or even more esoteric concepts like "outside of canon" or "beyond canon", then the issues you uncover when you ask such questions about an epilogue can't really be ignored. My feeling is, there's almost no choice but to turn the conventional ideas associated with epilogues completely inside-out, because of the inherent contradictions involved with crossing the post-canon threshold and revealing that which was not meant to be known. Stories end where they do for certain reasons, answering the questions which were thematically important to answer, and leaving some questions unanswered for similar reasons, and the reader is left with the task of deciphering the meaning of these decisions. Under the "whoops, I forgot some shit, here's more" interpretation of an epilogue as a flawed construct, by reopening an already closed-circuit narrative, what you're really doing is introducing destabilizing forces into something which had already reached a certain equilibrium, due to all the considerations that went into which questions to answer, and which to leave ambiguous. And these destabilizing forces became the entire basis for the construction of an entirely new post-canon narrative, for better or worse.

These are the types of things the epilogues let you to think about, along with a few other ideas. Like the fact that all narratives have perspectives and biases, depending on who is telling the story, even in the case where it's unclear if the narrator has any specific identity. The suggestion that all narratives are driven by agendas, sometimes thinly disguised, other times heavily. There's also stuff to think about just due to its presentation as fanfiction, and that it's the first installment of Homestuck which included other authors (contrary to some speculation I've seen, every word of all seven acts were written by me alone). By deploying it as mock-fanfiction, and including other authors, I'm making an overt gesture that is beginning to diminish my relevance as the sole authority on the direction this story takes, what should be regarded as canon, and even introducing some ambiguity into your understanding of what canon means as the torch is being passed into a realm governed by fan desires. If the epilogues really prove to be the bridge media they were designed to feel like, then I expect this trend to continue. The fanfiction format is effectively a call to action, for another generation of creators to imagine different outcomes, to submit their own work within the universe, to extend what happens beyond the epilogues, or to pave over them with their own ideas. And I believe the direness in tone and some of the subject matter suitably contributes to the urgency of this call to action.

I also think many of the negative feelings the story creates isn't just an urgent prompt for the reader to imagine different ideas, or ways to resolve the new narrative dilemmas. It's also an opportunity for people to discuss any of the difficult content critically, and for fandom in general to continue developing the tools for processing the negative emotions art can generate. Sorting that out has to be a communal experience, and it's an important part of the cycle between creating and criticizing art. I think not only can creators develop their skills to create better things by practicing and taking certain risks, fandom is something which can develop better skills as well. Skills like critical discussion, dealing constructively with negative feelings resulting from the media they consume, interacting with each other in more meaningful ways, and trying to understand different points of view outside of the factions within fandom that can become very hardened over time. Fandoms everywhere tend to get bad reputations for various reasons, maybe justifiably. But I don't see why it can't be an objective to try to improve fandom, just as creators can improve their work. And I think this can only happen if now and then fandoms are seriously challenged, by being encouraged to think about complex ideas, and made to feel difficult emotions. I believe when art creates certain kinds of negative feelings in people, it can lead to some of the most transformative experiences art has to offer. But it helps to be receptive to this idea for these experiences to have a positive net effect on your life, and your relationship with art.

So now I'm looking to all of you on the matter of where to go next. Wherever the most conscientious and invested members of fandom want to drive this universe, as well as the standards by which we engage with media in general, that will be the direction I follow.

[homestuckhomestuckhomestuck]

The Homestuck Epilogues: Bridges And Off-Ramps: pgenpod ep52

by Andrew Hussie

The history of printed version of The Homestuck Epilogues is also the history of The Homestuck Epilogues themselves, because I originally envisioned releasing them only as a book like this, to even further emphasize their conceptual separation from the main narrative. If you know anything about the epilogues, you probably already understand that conceptually distinguishing themselves from the story by their presentation as "fanfiction" is an important part of their nature and what they are trying to say. In the form of a book (which you can read from one side, or flip upside down and read from the other) it somewhat carries the feeling of a cursed tome. Something which maddeningly beckons, due to whatever insanity it surely contains, but also something which causes feelings of trepidation. There's an ominous aura surrounding such a work, probably for a few reasons. The sheer size of it means the nature of the content probably isn't going to be that trivial. The stark presentation of the black and white covers, its dual-narrative format, the foreboding prologue combined with an alarming list of "content warnings", and even the fact that an "epilogue" is delivered with a "prologue" first, all adds up to a piece of media that appears designed to make the reader nervous about what to expect from it. Such is the nature of a cursed tome retrieved from a place which may have best been left undisturbed. It is also the nature of any creative inclination to reopen a story which had already been laid to rest - a reader's desire to agitate and then collapse the bubble which contained the imagined projection of "happily ever after", simply by observing it. There exists inherent danger in a reader's eagerness to collapse that bubble, or to crack that tome. There is also danger in a creator's willingness to accommodate that desire. It's a risk for all involved. It should be.

Obviously, it wasn't released as a book, until now (the plans for printing it had already been made, but were just delayed until well after its release on site). We decided to just release it all on the site so everyone could read it right away if they wanted. There was a long tradition of making all content freely accessible on the site, and we just produced one utterly enormous update which we were perfectly aware would cause a massive amount of discussion and agitation in the fandom. Overall it was probably better to just get it out there, let people read it relatively quickly, form their opinions on it, and then begin discussing it critically. In other words, people were going to feel something from all this, so it seemed better to just let it out there, allow the maximum number of people feel whatever it would cause them to feel, give people time to process those feelings, and then move on to whatever comes next.

But what comes next? That's a good question. I feel like the work does a lot to suggest it's not merely following up on the lives of all the characters after a few years, but also reorganizing all narrative circumstances in a way that points forward, to a new continuity with a totally different set of stakes. In this sense, I think it's heavily implied to be a piece of bridge-media, which is clearly detached from the previous narrative, and conceptually "optional" by its presentation, which allows it to also function as an off-ramp for those inclined to believe the first seven acts of Homestuck were perfectly sufficient. But for those who continue to feel investment in these characters and this world, ironically the very elements which could be regarded as disturbing or depressing are also the main reasons to have hope that there is still more to see. Because, as certain characters go to some length to elaborate on, you can't tell new stories without reestablishing significant dramatic stakes: new problems to overcome, new injustices to correct, new questions to answer. There can be no sense of emotional gratification later without first experiencing certain periods of emotional recession. And by peeking into the imagined realm of "happily ever after" to satisfy our curiosity, we discover that our attention isn't so harmless, because the complexities and sorrows of adult life can't be ignored. Nor can the challenges of creating a civilization from scratch, when several teenagers are handed god-status. It turns out the gaze we cast from the sky of Earth C to revisit everyone isn't exactly friendly, like warm sunlight. It's more like a ravaging beam, destructive and unsettling to all that could have been safely imagined. Our continued attention is the very property which incites new problems, and the troublemakers appear to be keenly aware of this. So they spring into action, and begin repositioning all the stage props for a new implied narrative. But "implied" is all it was. There was no immediate announcement for followup content, and I'm not announcing anything here yet either. More time was always going to be necessary to figure out what to do next, including what form it takes, the timing, and all those questions. For now I think it was alright to just let things simmer for a while, and give people an extended period of time to meditate on the meaning of the epilogues and why they involved the choices they did. But regardless of anyone's conclusions about it, I can at least confirm that it WAS designed to feel like a bridge piece since its conception. 

Is it this way because an epilogue SHOULD be this way? No. It is this way because I thought that was the most suitable role for an epilogue to play in the context of the weird piece of media Homestuck has always been. The story experiments a lot with the way stories are told, and in particular messes with the ways certain stretches of content get partitioned and labeled. Playing with the labeling I think has ways of bringing attention to those labels, what they actually mean, and how they affect our perception of the events covered under certain labels. It can even get us to wonder why certain labels exist at all, and can expose "flaws" in the construction of stories which include them. For instance, "intermission" is such a label. But perhaps another way of saying intermission is, "whoops, the story is getting too long, here's a break from the real story with a bunch of dumb shit that doesn't matter". It's seemingly a tacit admission to a problem. And by continuing to toy with that label as the story rolls along, you start to unpack the nature of that problem by implicitly asking questions about it. If you have one intermission because the story got long... can you have two if it gets longer? Can you have even more than that? Once you have a multitude of intermissions, don't you have two dueling threads of content, one supposedly "irrelevant", and the other important? And if that's true, then is it possible for the "irrelevant" thread to accrue more importance, throwing its entire identity as "optional content" into question retroactively? And if that can happen, is it possible the two threads can flip roles, with the intermissions becoming more important than the main acts? Then once the story goes through the motions of answering "yes" to all of this, isn't it also fair to ask, why bother with this examination at all? Was it pure horseplay and trickery? Actually, yes, sort of. There is a trick involved. The gradual realization that intermission content is nontrivial forces the reader to reevaluate their perception of the material, which was originally influenced by a label presiding over that material, and what they believed that label meant. It relies on the reader's presumption about the label's meaning to disguise certain properties of the content (like relevance), and therefore disarms the reader initially, leading to the potential for subverting expectations about the content later in surprising ways. In other words, you can use whatever it is the reader already presumes they know about stories in order to control the perception of what they are reading, just by gradually shifting the boundaries of whatever it is they've been well trained to expect from certain elements. 

So now the label "epilogue" has been toyed with in a similar way, and also in a manner which exposes an apparent flaw with the label. Or actually, just by using the label "epilogue" at all, it seems the story is admitting to an apparent flaw. If another way of saying intermission is "whoops, story's too long, here's a break", then an alternate way of saying epilogue is "whoops, I forgot some shit, here's some more". And we know right away this label will be subject to the same kind of trickery, since there are two story paths of eight epilogues each, prefaced by a shared prologue. It's already an unhinged implementation of the label before you even read it, which means it's probably time to get nervous about whether it satisfies your expectations about what the content existing under such a label should provide. Before you read it, it's already an invitation to start questioning what an epilogue even is, and whether it's kind of a silly idea even if applied conventionally. Take a 50 chapter novel with an epilogue, for example. Why isn't the epilogue just called chapter 51? Why was the choice made to label that content differently? Should we consider it an important part of the story, or should we not? If it's not important, why are we reading it? And if it is important, why is it given a label which is almost synonymous with "afterthought"? Is it a simple parting gift to the reader, to provide minor forms of satisfaction which the core narrative wasn't built to provide? Is it actually important to deliver those minor satisfactions? If it really is important, why didn't that content appear in chapter 51? And if it isn't, why bother at all? What are we even doing here?

By going down this path of questioning, it sounds like we're assembling a case against writing epilogues altogether. But actually, there's really nothing wrong with them. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to include in any story. It's just that the more you ask questions like these, the more you are forced to think about the true nature of these storytelling constructs, the actual purposes they're meant to serve. And with something like Homestuck, where issues like this are heavily foregrounded, like what should be considered "canon" vs. "not canon", or even more esoteric concepts like "outside of canon" or "beyond canon", then the issues you uncover when you ask such questions about an epilogue can't really be ignored. My feeling is, there's almost no choice but to turn the conventional ideas associated with epilogues completely inside-out, because of the inherent contradictions involved with crossing the post-canon threshold and revealing that which was not meant to be known. Stories end where they do for certain reasons, answering the questions which were thematically important to answer, and leaving some questions unanswered for similar reasons, and the reader is left with the task of deciphering the meaning of these decisions. Under the "whoops, I forgot some shit, here's more" interpretation of an epilogue as a flawed construct, by reopening an already closed-circuit narrative, what you're really doing is introducing destabilizing forces into something which had already reached a certain equilibrium, due to all the considerations that went into which questions to answer, and which to leave ambiguous. And these destabilizing forces became the entire basis for the construction of an entirely new post-canon narrative, for better or worse.

These are the types of things the epilogues let you to think about, along with a few other ideas. Like the fact that all narratives have perspectives and biases, depending on who is telling the story, even in the case where it's unclear if the narrator has any specific identity. The suggestion that all narratives are driven by agendas, sometimes thinly disguised, other times heavily. There's also stuff to think about just due to its presentation as fanfiction, and that it's the first installment of Homestuck which included other authors (contrary to some speculation I've seen, every word of all seven acts were written by me alone). By deploying it as mock-fanfiction, and including other authors, I'm making an overt gesture that is beginning to diminish my relevance as the sole authority on the direction this story takes, what should be regarded as canon, and even introducing some ambiguity into your understanding of what canon means as the torch is being passed into a realm governed by fan desires. If the epilogues really prove to be the bridge media they were designed to feel like, then I expect this trend to continue. The fanfiction format is effectively a call to action, for another generation of creators to imagine different outcomes, to submit their own work within the universe, to extend what happens beyond the epilogues, or to pave over them with their own ideas. And I believe the direness in tone and some of the subject matter suitably contributes to the urgency of this call to action.

I also think many of the negative feelings the story creates isn't just an urgent prompt for the reader to imagine different ideas, or ways to resolve the new narrative dilemmas. It's also an opportunity for people to discuss any of the difficult content critically, and for fandom in general to continue developing the tools for processing the negative emotions art can generate. Sorting that out has to be a communal experience, and it's an important part of the cycle between creating and criticizing art. I think not only can creators develop their skills to create better things by practicing and taking certain risks, fandom is something which can develop better skills as well. Skills like critical discussion, dealing constructively with negative feelings resulting from the media they consume, interacting with each other in more meaningful ways, and trying to understand different points of view outside of the factions within fandom that can become very hardened over time. Fandoms everywhere tend to get bad reputations for various reasons, maybe justifiably. But I don't see why it can't be an objective to try to improve fandom, just as creators can improve their work. And I think this can only happen if now and then fandoms are seriously challenged, by being encouraged to think about complex ideas, and made to feel difficult emotions. I believe when art creates certain kinds of negative feelings in people, it can lead to some of the most transformative experiences art has to offer. But it helps to be receptive to this idea for these experiences to have a positive net effect on your life, and your relationship with art. 

So now I'm looking to all of you on the matter of where to go next. Wherever the most conscientious and invested members of fandom want to drive this universe, as well as the standards by which we engage with media in general, that will be the direction I follow.

[thisnerdsadventures]

I was talking with one of my friends the other day about how after graduation, people have time for hobbies /a concept/. For example, a lot of my 2018 friends play video games together as a way to socialize, and to be fair, they are all quite good now at League of Legends compared to me, who is stuck at level 30 since I play like once every five months.

But why do they play every day when I don’t? Obviously they have a bunch more time post-graduation to, but also I just don’t see myself dedicating all my free time to it. And this goes for other hobbies I see people in the real world doing, like dance or music or photography or reading or spin/yoga/running. Instead of fixating on one thing like it seems like real adults (TM) do, I do the cycling between the same six hobbies every two weeks until I am just about slightly below average to average at every thing I try. My friend says it’s from how in high school we spent all our time doing 12389182 things and in college, we continued to find new interests and taking on 129381928 extracurriculars and leaving that is just impossible for us. I kinda believe in this, but I also wonder if it’s because I haven’t found the one thing I truly truly love, but rather 10 things I kinda like doing every once in a while.

Comprehensive List of My Hobbies (and oh is it a mess)

Photography

I recently got back on this train by taking pics for the model UN chair shoot. We went and borrowed a camera from the library here (the libraries here have literally everything you would ever want, from recording equipment to nice cameras to xbox games you can play in-house), and then took pics from 3-7pm in the nano building to take advantage of the lighting. To be fair, the lighting was absolutely PRIME, and getting to use that 8th grade photography skills on an actual job was really fun. I also really love photoshopping and playing around with white balance and color levels, like I’ll really spend hours on stuff like this, but then ONLY EVERY TWO WEEKS

Music

This has been one of my largest hobbies in that I’ll compose, play, listen, produce, literally everything related to music, but I just don’t personally feel good enough to call myself a legit artist (u feel????) anyways, it also takes a lot of creative energy that I lack most of the time due to fatigue, so most of the time, my musical outlet manifests itself in playing the same chord progression on guitar because that’s slightly therapeutic whereas lying in creative mental block is not

Film/Vlog

This summer I had a lot of time to try this out, and just as I like photo editing, I also really like video editing. If you scroll down just a bit on this blog, you’ll probably find the NYC vlog and also some of the short films I’ve done for my house government. The most recent one is here -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zQY_Z4ufEY and yes it really is tik tok inspired, please don’t at me. but again, i feel like vlogging is a lot of effort in that you always have to be recording, and your girl likes doing crosswords in her free time, not thinking about the next nice shot lol

Baking

In high school I used to bake a lot, so I haven’t really done this in years, but I used to bake a TON in senior year. Granted this was one of those hobbies that I was far below average in terms of skill level, but I feel I really learned a lot in the process (for instance, 1/4th of an egg is not equal to a slightly smaller than average egg). Also I got really good at frying eggs in this whole process of learning how to cook/bake, so I guess this is quite practical. Perhaps I should get back on this train. But ingredients also cost money. (But then again, the friends you gain from offering baked goods are priceless)

Learning a Language

Every six months, I tell myself this is it, this is the day I learn Mandarin. And every time, it is, in fact, not the time. This happened once last semester around April where I had a whole burst of trying to learn how to read and then quit after two weeks, and then summer 2018 where I tried downloading all the apps for learning Chinese to practice on the bus (which consequently really died fast once I went back to school), and then summer 2017 also had an attempt, but again, that also died, and mostly what this led to was my conclusion that actually just talking with my grandparents in Mandarin over the phone was the best way to improve my Chinese. i have to say though, the notifications scheme on Duolingo is remarkably good, the guilt really is there

Sports

I think the amount of effort I put into trying to get better at basketball is really quite unfortunate because I actually don’t think I’m that natural of an athlete, I think I’m just slightly more tryhard than others when it comes to sport, which results in me just being a bit above the average beginner at literally every sport. For example, football?? I can kick the ball. And dribble and such. Tennis??? Yes, I can indeed return the ball and hit it between the lines (though to be fair, the majority of the time I’m playing tennis, I find I’m really just not trying to make a fool of myself, so the intrinsic motivators are really there). Basketball??? Ah I think I’m a bit more than slightly above average, but I’m still not really that good, mostly because I don’t actually move that fast. And I think that’s my issue in like every sport, like my body just doesn’t move that fast, so??? oof

Bonus Hobbies-That-Could-Have-Been (and I guess still could??)

Dancing 

In freshman year I really liked dancing. I also really liked dancing my senior year of high school, but once sophomore year hit me in the face, I just found other things to do in my life. But I still really love watching dance videos and I feel like if I were to join a dance team with a friend or two, I would really enjoy it. But only with a friend or two, I’ve tried going to dance workshops with people I didn’t really know that well, and it just hasn’t felt the same. But I feel like I could really dedicate myself to it if I were dancing with people I loved hanging out with.

Interior Decorating

There was this really strange three day period over the summer where I was really into designing my room down to the inch. and i actually did execute and my room looks great now - I have a small home office section of my room, I have decorations all up on the walls, and my closet organization is pristine. Unfortunately the process of interior decorating is a nontrivial amount of cost, so this didn’t hold up for long.

Gaming

Again, I was really into gaming summer 2018, but after that, I just lost interest and my skill level plateau’d out after that. Now I’m still pretty bad at League and very bad at Fortnite and acceptable at Smash (but only while playing Ike), and I don’t think I’ll be back on this hobby any time soon, which is a shame because my friend group’s main way of communication is through....gaming

As you can see, I am a mess. My last few I’ve gone through are photography and film, and I’m kinda in the language phase now (though things seem to be suggesting that I’ll actually follow through on this learning a language thing because it’s been a month now that I’ve been pretty consistent on Duolingo), so who knows!! Maybe I’ll produce a song (the one song that I make a year lol)

[jonwongton]

KCON LA 2019 Recap

Wow what an insane three days. My expectations were pretty low from KCON NY but I was really impressed by some of the events they had at the convention.

I'm just gonna use everyone's real names in this because it's too hard to remember everyone's handles.

Thursday, August 15th

After work, I went home, made dinner, packed up, and then went straight to the airport. The flight from San Jose to Burbank is literally an hour gate to gate (45 minutes of flight time lol) so it was a super short flight. The only pressing thing was that some of my discord buddies were doing karaoke in ktown so I really didn't want to miss out on that. My mvp sister came to the airport to pick up all my stuff and I ubered straight to the karaoke place to see everyone (I forgot to take pictures though :(). Jordan started me off with Rough and after they sang a ton of other girl group songs, I did Red Flavor and Energetic. We didn't want to go too hard before the convention even started so we all decided to meet at the convention before noon. The izone fanclub meeting was at noon and the fromis_9 fanclub meeting was at three, so I definitely wanted to go to both (all six moderators for the two fanclub meets are in the group I went with).

Friday, August 16th

I woke up at like 9 and I went with Cyn to go get Trieu Chau noodles, which tasted even better than I remember.

Everyone wanted to get lunch in between the fanclub meetings but I don't trust eating in big groups and I'm pretty good at not eating for long periods of time in case anything happens.

I got to the convention at around noon, but it took me around half an hour to check-in because my dumb ass was so lost. I'm super glad the lady that gave me my wristband let me tighten it myself just so I could take it off freely between the three days. I also went to the merchandise pick-up and got my two fromis_9 slogans and a loona slogan. I ran over to the izone fanclub meeting right after.

There were a ton wizones there and they played three rounds of games through kahoot guessing these random ass facts I don't even think a hardcore wizone would know. We then did the Violetta and La Via En Rose fanchants and it ended there. After that I walked out with Nick and Danny and we went to the mob so they could try buying their izone and itzy hi-touches.

So the mob in LA was batshit insane and the hi-touches were marked up SOOO much higher than I ever would have guessed. An A1 pack is $170 and it comes with one hi-touch, two audiences, and a red carpet pass (ignore the red carpet pass I don't think anyone cares about that). Stray Kids/Ateez hi-touches were easily going for $300, and I heard someone got really desperate and dropped $700 for her Ateez hi-touch. Out of the nine hi-touches that happened (should have been ten but rip Chung Ha) my feel for the prices went something along the lines of (+ their average price from what I saw)

Stray Kids ($350) > Ateez ($300) >> Izone ($200) >>> Itzy ($150) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SF9/Mamamoo ($100) >>>>>>>> Momoland ($75) >>>>> N.Flying ($50) >>>>>>>>>>> Verivery ($40)

Yeah people are insane. And with the audiences I'm pretty sure you have a solid 7/9 chance to make a huge profit. If you posted in the Facebook group and did the "dm me your best offer" I'm pretty sure you'd be able to sell your Stray Kids hi-touch for $600+. People were even buying Stray kids audiences for $100 like are you serious...

The supply and demand was also super polarized. We waited for almost an hour and not even a single person had an itzy/izone hi-touch for sale, yet there were probably at least 10 people willing to drop a nontrivial amount of money for anyone that came up. If you're willing to pay this much money to touch a few groups, diamond doesn't sound that bad anymore (all-access hi-touch, plat only gets 2).

I stood around and talked until like 2:30 until making my way to the fromis_9 fanclub meet. I think loona was at star square at the time so the turn out was even smaller than New York imo.

(decorating the stage with my signs)

We played two kahoot games and I actually won the guess the song after only hearing one second of it. There were nine questions and I legitimately knew seven of them, but they used the same questions in New York so I knew the last two were Youth (Hayoung's cover)/From Now (Jiwon's and Nakyung's OST song). That won me a medium size KCON LA 2019 shirt, but that was just a consolation prize. fromis_9 hadn't even left Korea yet so there's no way we could get signed merch. We then did the Love Bomb/Fun/Love Rum Pum Pum fanchants. I didn't go that hard on Love Bomb, but MVP Danny helped me hold my phone so I went full blast on Fun and Love RumPumPum. Ngl the Love RumPumPum fanchant was literally impossible unless you already knew it because the timings are so strange and no one can actually read romanized Korean fast enough (the subs didn't have the hangul). I'm kinda the fanchant guy so I really wanted to drop all that Korean practice at this opportunity.

After the fanclub meet, I finally got a chance to walk around the convention. This was my first KCON LA, but I heard in previous rooms they only got half the expo hall but this year they got the whole thing. Everything was spaced out pretty well and there was a ton more to do than in NY.

I walked around for a bit, took some pictures, and then sat on a bench to hang out with Danny for like an hour since all the others went to go line up for KCON Rookies (there had to have been at least 1.5k people waiting).

(that’s half the line)

All memes aside, it's nice to actually get to know some of the back stories behind some other friends. Danny and I realized we both ulted GFriend and fromis_9 and how willing we are to just throw money at both groups lol. I gave the extra fromis_9 slogan towel I ordered to my new friend and he left for Rookies since he was plat and had priority entrance. I made one more lap around the convention, said hi to an old friend, and then called an Uber to get dinner with my sister and two college friends.

It was a pretty fancy Japanese dinner that was definitely not worth it, but we got Salt and Straw after and that was awesome.

We walked back to the apartment of two other people that joined us, and I left for Dan Sung Sa to meet up with the rest of the group after Rookies. I finally got to see my buddy Alex (he got diamond so he was busy milking the perks the whole day), ate some good food, and I drank a bit more than I should have.

After dinner #2, I ubered back to Cyn's and planned to wake up fairly early to go to LAX.

Saturday August 17th

fromis_9 took off on their flight from Incheon at around 8pm our time, so they would be landing at around 10am PDT. The izone artist engagement happened to be at around the same time (11am, a ton of people in the group at hard core wizones), so only a few of us decided to go to LAX. I took an Uber to the airbnb and then we all went to LAX together. We also heard Stray Kids, Mamamoo, and Verivery were on the same flight, so we'd coincidentally get to see a ton of idols. At the airport, I met some fans from other discord servers and we just sat around waiting for them to come out of the special exit.

A lot of the group went on Thursday to greet loona/izone at the airport, but a ton of them didn't even get to see them because they were waiting at the wrong exit. I kinda piggy-backed off their experience and made sure I was sitting at the right one.

After standing around for quite a bit, everyone formed two huge lines waiting to greet them. I wanted to stick out my hand for them to touch, hold up my Jiheon sign, and try recording it at the same time, but I only have two hands. I ended up placing my phone in front of the Jiheon sign and keeping my right hand free. They walked out super fast, but Jiheon pointed at me and laughed at my sign. It really only lasted 10 seconds, and I felt pretty mission-accomplished knowing Jiheon saw my sign at least once. Jiwon lead the line and I keep forgetting how smol she is. (I’ll post the video I got eventually).

The next artist that came out was Stray Kids, and they were super nice and waved at us. All hell broke loose When Mamamoo came out like I'm genuinely surprised the fans there were that crazy. First of all, they are SOOOOOOOOOOO short. I've seen pictures of Mamamoo standing next to GFriend and while they all tease Eunha for being 5'4", she's still taller then Solar/Moonbyul/Hwasa. The fans chased after the van and started screaming Mamamoo for a few minutes before dispersing. At this point, most people left, but out of no where, N.Flying also exited the airport. Ngl, I thought it was gonna be Verivery but when I only saw four members I made the connection. I was looking at the footage I recorded of fromis_9 that I couldn't record N.Flying coming out fast enough. There was nothing left to do so my group just ubered back to the LA Convention Center. Tbh at this point, this trip was already better than all of KCON NY minus what happened at Washington Square Park because I already got to see fromis_9 in person. They made 0 appearances at the NY convention and the day I went to the airport, they weren't even flying out so at this point, the trip was already worth it.

It was around 12:30pm when we got to the convention, and I was with all three fromis_9 fanclub moderators, so they got to go through the staff entrance while I wanted in the pleb line. Once I made it into the convention center, I rushed over to the KCON beauty station where loona was having a meet and greet (started at 12:40pm). There were SO many people and even on my tiptoes I could only catch the top half of the screen, though if I held my phone up I could record what was happening.

A few people moved out of the way and I could kinda see Haseul's and Choerry's faces but there were so many orbits. I couldn't really hear what they were saying, but every time Chuu said something, the orbits there were roaring (she is undisputedly the most popular member among the crowd). They ended up just talking about some beauty tips and how they do their makeup, so I kinda knew what to expect when fromis_9 were coming tomorrow.

The meet and greet ended on time around 1:10pm, and at this point, I was starving since I hadn't eaten the whole day. We were gonna go to the food trucks to get food but we got the inside scoop that izone was going to be making an appearance at the Olive Young booth. A huge wall of people were already forming, but I decided to wait on the left wing where there were still cameras but much fewer people. I ended up recording the entire segment. We were trying to not be obnoxious yelling their names when they were doing something, but the entire crowd would call a member in unison until they did a little dance for us. Chaeyeon really won my heart with her fan service and Yujin gave us a ton of attention too. The cameraman there actually told us to cheer for them louder so he could record us LOL.

It was around 2pm now, so we waited around for more people to gather and we all headed to the food trucks. The street food they had was obviously overpriced but pretty good compared to the normal food they'd have in the convention center.

There was nothing interesting left on the schedule for me, so I just walked around the convention center looking for something to do. I heard some screaming around the KCON stage, so I sprinted over and caught N.Flying's appearance. They were presenting the winner of some Cover Star K award, but the more interesting part is that they sang a snippet of Rooftop for us.

Kyla tweeted that she'd be at the convention center, so a group of us walked around to places we thought she'd be at, but we didn't end up finding her. I walked back into the convention center and saw another mob at the Star Square, and it turns out N.Flying was reading off horoscopes and taking pictures with the fans that won their meet and greet.

After that, I stood with James in the middle of the convention, and literally just so happened to bump into a group of maybe 30 people trying to meet up with Kyla (they nominated one person to DM Kyla on twitter). I followed this group around and we ended up moving to three different places until we found a spot that was fairly empty. I had a feeling Kyla was coming soon, and I made sure James and I were standing closest to the entrance. Kyla appeared with some other friends and when we formed a line get a picture with her, James and I were in front lol (I went second). She recorded a video message to a fan's friend that couldn't be there, and I told her she was amazing and such an inspirational figure in the kpop community. I got a hug and a picture with her.

It was like 5pm now, so I broke off from everyone and sat at a table to drink some water, recharge, and plan out my schedule for the rest of the day and for tomorrow. At around 6pm, I walked over to my friend's hotel a block away from the Staples Center, and we sat around just hanging out before the concert. Nick showed me his izone lightsticks (yes multiple, apparently wizones customize a lightstick for each member) and Brian showed me his entire kpop photocard set (there were so many holy shit). Since we were all seated tonight, we just left the hotel at around 7:15pm and got in around 7:30pm for the preshow. The free ticket I got was part of a set of three, so the two people I was sitting with were also friends of the person I knew.

The view I got was also amazing, I'm surprised at how good P2 was (I would have taken this over P1 because P1 is kinda lower than I'd like). I'm not really invested into AB6IX, Ateez, or SF9, but when Loona came out I lost my shit oh my god they were amazing. AND I FINALLY GOT TO SEE LOVE PAINT LIVE. One of my favorite songs of all time performed by OT5. I was kinda sad Nu'est did real love true love instead of look because look is my #2 song by them, but I guess they couldn't repeat the set list from NY.

After the concert, we split up into Ubers and went to BCD, which had a ridiculous wait because we were definitely not the only ones going after the concert. Everyone was starving and tired, but I'm pretty sure izone and loona knocked us all off our feet. 

We planned to line up for P1 GA at around 8am and all parted ways. I was already super tired at this point, but Saturday was supposed to be the easy day compared to Sunday when fromis_9 would be appearing

Saturday August 17th

I got up around 7:30am and ubered back to the convention center, though I was late as hell and had sprint to join my friends standing in line. Actually I was so late that I had to make up some excuse of going to the bathroom and returning to my "spot in line". I got 596, but my friends that did GA yesterday said they had 400 and still got an amazing view.

I wasn't too worried about it since I wasn't going to camp out overnight and I had buddies that knew what they were doing. It was around 9:45am, so David gave me his convention pass so I could get staff entry into the convention (he was going back to his airbnb to grab some stuff).

We had enough passes to go around so I think five of us entered the convention early and went to the KCON message board to write some nice things. I wrote something super similar to what I did in NY, and then wrote something for GFriend somewhere else.

(shoutout to Anh for spelling Gyuri’s name wrong)

While I was finishing up my message for GFriend, I saw people sprinting into the convention center and Jordan started screaming my name to come over. I followed my instinct and sprinted towards him, and we got front row seats at the KCON beauty station. There were around 20 other people sprinting too, and I was actually pushed to the side by two girls that got there first. I had no idea people would come three and a half hours for fromis_9, but I think it's because people figured out how to do it with Loona. I befriended the two girls next to me since we'd be stuck together for a while, and I realized they were angels.

I even got to push down other people's stuff so I could make room for Danny and Alex to sit front row with my group since they were plat/dia but didn't get early convention access. At around 11:30am, I left with Stephen to go get food, and I really got to know his back story too. It was mainly just sitting around until 1:30pm when fromis_9 would make their appearance. During our wait, we all signed Alex's sign which he was going to try and hand off to a member during the concert.

To fromis_9,

Thank you so much for coming to KCON LA 2019. Starting from last year until now, listening to fromis_9′s songs or watching your videos have given me a lot of strength. That motivated me to teach myself a new language and inspired me to always be a better person than I was yesterday. I’ll always cheer you on and love you. Shall we be together until the very end? Fighting!

- American Flover Jonathan

1:30pm eventually came around and fromis_9 made their appearance. I recorded the entire segment here, front row and dead center :). I was shaking before they came out, but if I hadn't seen them as close as I did in Washington Square Park, I think I would have been shaking even more. Saerom walked out and waved at me, Jiheon walked out, saw my sign, gave me the same reaction as she did at the airport (lol), and I was able to get waves from all the other members (Nakyung, Jiwon, Jisun, Gyuri, and Chaeyoung for sure). Throughout their entire appearance, we were calling them by their nicknames during their downtime, flashing hearts at them, smiling, and these nine angels did the same back to us. At the end of the performance, I jumped out of my seat seeing if I could hi-five them, but Nakyung waved at me, Saerom waved at me, I asked Hayoung if she remembered me from New York (she did!), and told Gyuri she was beautiful for Ice (and for me because she's gorgeous). Honestly, the convention could have ended there, but we still had a concert to go afterwards. It was around 2pm and people wanted to go get food, but we heard Mamamoo was going to make an appearance at 2:50pm so we stood around waiting for 50 minutes. They showed up, I once again confirmed they were super short and everyone left to go get something to eat. I already ate earlier and had no plans of eating for the concert, so I actually broke off from the group to go to a panel.

I was definitely chasing idols this weekend but there were some panels I was interested in. The one I wanted to go to at 3:30pm was the "how to study/work in Korea", so I recharged by myself for around 30 minutes and went there.

I asked the presenter a ton of questions (she was super nice), and then left a bit early to join a few others at the Verivery fanclub meeting (we had nothing else to do).

I tried meeting up with the guy which I reserved a banner from, but I couldn't find him around the convention anywhere. It was around 5pm, so I left the convention once and for all and went back to my friend's hotel to wait until the GA concert queue up at 6pm. At this point, I was tired as hell and somewhat scared my phone battery was gonna die because I was at 44% (I used 20% to record the 25 min fromis_9 appearance). Luckily he had a charger so I got up to 55%. We just chatted about how excited for the concert we were and where we were gonna sprint to.

At 5:50pm, we left to the GA entrance and tried cutting in line, but got caught because some girl snitched on us lol. The first security guard told us "we should go to the right place in line" but just left, but then his supervisor was the actual person that kicked us out. We had to go through security and get three additional wristbands before we could actually start sprinting toward the stage. The 10/10 spot we wanted was taken, but I was really happy with the final spot we got because any closer and I wouldn't be able to see over the stage.

The concert was absolutely amazing. I was familiar with every group that was performing so there was almost no song where I wasn't super hype. Miroh lived up to the hype and I think the entire stadium was shaking and yelled stray kids together. I did the entire Fun! and Love RumPumPum fanchants so loud people in the pit pushed my forward to the barricade and the guy next to me offered to hold my camera so I could finish off Love Bomb (my recording). Seventeen was also insane, we got Good To Me (I don't think non carats knew the song that well but I lost my shit because I loved it way more than Home), Adore U, Clap, and the infamous Aju Nice (which was insane). I think the third encore was a little unnecessary, but we were all losing our shit because it was so fun.

During the encore stage, I was waving my Jiheon sign, and Chaeyoung walked over and saw it. She had to tap Megan for a solid 5 seconds before she also noticed but I was already super content because they had seen my signs three times (LAX, at beauty, and at the concert). Once we gathered together, we all jumped on Alex because Jiheon had taken the sign we all wrote messages on and then took a group picture.

We were all super shook outside, and I was kinda ready for my KCON experience to end here so even if they wanted to go out to eat, I was ready to Uber back to Cyn's and call it a night. I said my final good-byes to everyone (everyone got a super tight hug) and headed back.

---

I can’t believe I got to see fromis_9 twice in a year. I’ve been a pretty big fan of kpop since 2015, but I’ve never materialized this hobby until fromis_9 summoned me to KCON NY a month ago, and there was no way I wasn’t going to LA to see them again. I already had some regrets not going to LA last year and seeing how much fun they had in their behind the scenes videos, so I wanted a story of my own. So I guess my identity as a fan is really as a fromis_9/GFriend ult now, but I still refuse to pick a bias (I was probably asked like thirty times who my fromis_9/GFriend biases were this weekend...). They really are angels, and while it wasn’t perfect (no artist engagement, messed up some recording etc.), I’m still so happy I got to meet them.

On a side note, loona is amazing. They were so sweet in person, their performances were incredible, and that’s really a reminder that I need to go through the rest of their pre-debut tracks I haven’t listened to yet.

I also did some math and I’m pretty sure if you like the groups on both days, platinum is definitely worth it (diamond if your thing is touching all the artists, but it’s hard to get your full money’s worth giving how fast everything goes and how bad KCON is at announcing everything).

Platinum was 1121.48, and if the regular GA is 462.98, the convention ticket is 36, KCON rookies is 45, the random swag they give you is 50, and the hi-touches are around 141.50 on average (use the 9 numbers I quoted above with Chung Ha’s being $50), then that only leaves 294.50 on the cost of the ticket. That buys you a dedicated pit so you don’t have to camp out overnight, getting to cut all the AE/entrance lines, and getting into the convention early (probably more worth it for NY since it’s two days and stuff actually happens Saturday, getting in Friday for LA doesn’t matter much, but then you could just have the staff pass). To be honest, the peace of mind that buys already sounds worth it to me, so if the line up is good enough, I’d definitely go for plat if I could get my hands on it.

We also realized we had been spelling 플로버 and 프로버 the entire time (confused the spelling with 프로미 which doesn’t have the extra ㄹ). I realized what I wrote for fromis_9 in NY has a typo and I made the same typo in LA. I fixed it on the sign before Alex handed it off, but I take that as a humble reminder that I’m still a foreigner and need to study a lot harder. :’) All kpop memes aside, some people are here just to chase after idols, but in addition to being a fan, I’ve been trying to embrace a new culture and language along the way. I’m still working really hard on vocabulary right now, and I still have every intention to pass TOPIK 5 by next year.

I’m also so glad I went to KCON LA with a group. Going alone would have been a terrible idea because you’d have no inside scoop on what’s going on, no one to switch off spots with, and no one to hang out with during all the down time. I’m really thankful to how much the discord group helped me out this weekend. I’m sure we’ll meet again.

To close it off, here are some of my favorite pictures with the friends I went with

[official-alan-dabiri]

Official-Alan-Dabiri and the 5 Stages of Grief

Okay, I’ve been doing some grieving for the esports side of Heroes of the Storm, and I’d like to kind of put my thoughts out here for my three human and three-hundred pornbot followers. I’m just going to step outside of what has been mockingly referred to as my “blizzard fursuit” and be real for a minute here. Hi, I’m Rob. I am a Heroes of the Storm player since alpha, and a Heroes of the Storm esports fan since before the custom game mode had been added, when maps were random and they had to be cast afterwards off of replays. The recent announcement of the cancellation of HGC and Heroes of the Dorm hit me - and the rest of the community - very hard. So I’m just going to touch on the stages of grief as they pertain to this event, and my feelings on the whole matter.

For those of you here for silly patch note commentary, fanart, and moba memes, I’ll put this behind a read more out of respect for your dashes.

Denial

I think Denial is the shortest stage we’re facing here. Denial came when there was no announcement of 2019 HGC for two months, and some of us shrugged it off. At Blizzcon, outward-facing Blizzard employees assured the fans, the casters, the players, and other esports-attached people that HGC would be back in 2019, and be as big or bigger. I’m not going to say that they lied, but their statements fed into the idea that this would be fine, and some people latched onto that in the wake of the expanding silence before it was finally broken.

To be in denial is a defense mechanism. It is denying that this is happening in order to numb our emotions and make it through the first wave of pain. Here, denial is the shortest stage because this is so believable. In the wake of so many questionable moves Activision-Blizzard has made lately, the severity and suddenness is a shock, not the event itself. This is really happening. Professional-level Heroes of the Storm is dead. And of course it is. After all, these are the numbskulls who made a mobile game the centerpiece of Blizzcon 2018, right?

Anger

I just want to preface this by noting that I, personally, never move past anger. I may struggle through it, but that anger never goes away. After the loss of my maternal grandfather to COPD over twenty years ago, the smell of cigarettes still enrages me. So please understand that when I say that I will never forgive Blizzard for this, I am not being melodramatic. I will be angry about this for a very long time.

Anger, however, needs to be appropriately directed and channeled. I’m upset at losing my weekend HGC fix. I’m upset that my amateur team no longer has a pro scene to watch together and work to emulate. And I’m very upset that Heroes of the Dorm is gone, since it was the catalyst that drew many of my friends into the game in the first place. This loss is the end of an era of entertainment. But that’s not the real crime here.

Hundreds of people - some of whom I admire and idolize - across the world are now unemployed. Very abruptly. Right before Christmas. Forty players, per region, are now out in the cold, along with any coaches and managers the team might employ. Add to that the casters, production staff, and analysts? Those people just got hosed. Some of those players dropped out of college to be here. Some of those players dropped out of college literally this fall in preparation for the 2019 season, after being picked up after the region’s playoffs, or fighting their way up in the Open Division and through the Crucible. There are people who have leases they’ve signed based on income that just got ripped away from them. Blizzard just brutally smacked down every one of them, tore away their jobs, and smashed their dreams.

And they did it in a blog post. That was how most of the players and casters learned about this. This wasn’t an event that was common knowledge, and the announcement just broke the NDA for them all. They have been living their lives up until literally the blog post, making plans dependent on HGC 2019. They found out they got fired by reading the news. And Blizzard selfishly kept this under their hats for this long to make sure that no players, sponsors, or other organizations got spooked before they were already locked in to Blizzard’s other esports. This was the worst way to do it. It’s unforgivable.

Bargaining

The bargaining stage is about seeking control over a terrible situation. It’s looking for how things should be when how they are is unacceptable. And for this announcement, there are a thousand different ways that would be preferable to this.

For one thing, I would love if this just weren’t happening. If only the HGC were just on a limited budget. If only the HGC was following a different, cheaper format. If only either HGC or Heroes of the Dorm were gone, and not both. For another, I would love if the call had been made six months ago. Cancel the crucible, make sure everyone has months of notice before the doors close to seek other work, or go back to school, or whatever. Literally any notice whatsoever would be preferable to this. Even if it’s just all in NDAs and the public doesn’t know, half of my anger is mitigated just because I know those folks aren’t entirely hosed.

Of course, the greatest bargain at all is to go all the way back. What if they’d designed the HGC better? The HGC was set up to ensure its own demise. The pros being paid salaries by Blizzard was great for their financial security, but those salaries elevated them above everyone else. The rest of the scene withered. Was Tempo Storm ever going to play against an open division team? No. Never. Maybe a scrim if they had connections, but nothing serious. In the days before HGC, those players had a really high chance of getting matched into the best pro team in round 1 just because of the seeding. Amateur tournaments are few and far between right now, and most of them go without casters, or have inexperienced casters who don’t have the platform to bring these games to a sizable audience. The part of the scene that still exists is now tiny to the point of invisibility. If HGC had been designed on a points system like it was for the first blizzcon, though? Those structures would still exist, instead of having been steamrolled over to build the now-derelict HGC parking lot. Scaling back Blizzard’s involvement with that system would have been a minimal change.

Depression

A lot of the community seems to be in this stage. A lot of people think this was a deathblow to the game itself, and, to be honest, it might be. The announcement was accompanied by the news that the development team is shrinking, and that content will be coming out slower, but with no indication of how slow. There is no shortage of doom and gloom, with people predicting no new hero for months - or even years - and balance patches being made by devs with no resources to test or monitor the results.

Ultimately, this is a downer. I’m not going to tell you it’s not bad. The lack of a pro scene to aspire to immediately kills the interest of a nontrivial number of players, who thought they could one day break into that world, whether as a player or as a caster. And the lack of those players kills the motivation of content creators, who are making build guides, tier lists, and learning-related content for those players. Make no mistake, this scene will shrink because of this. Your favorite pro players, streamers, youtubers, and other content creators might just move on, looking for other games to excel in, and take some amount of their audience with them.

Even if you weren’t part of this community, (why are you reading this, then?) Heroes of the Storm ranked 12th on the most influential esports of 2018. The loss of this is going to spook literally every sponsor across all esports, planting the seed of doubt that this is a worthwhile use of funds when it could all vanish overnight at the whim of the game’s publisher.

And even if you don’t care about esports, the professional level of the game had an effect that rippled down through all levels of play. Do you remember suddenly seeing Xul in your games a whole lot earlier this year? Do you remember Alarak suddenly being a contested pick in the last two months? Surely you noticed that the “solo lane” role suddenly became a thing last year when Blaze and Yrel were added, couldn’t main tank, but still had high win rates. All of that was the pro scene trickling down.

What happens now? What’s going to take the place of that influence? I don’t know. All I know is that when the playerbase looks up to see the highest level of play now, there’s just a void where HGC was.

Acceptance

Regardless of your feelings on the matter, though, Heroes of the Storm existed before HGC, and will continue to exist afterwards. It might end up being a much sparser community, with the pros moving on and the content creators in exodus, but we’ll still be here. I mean, I will, at least. They aren’t pulling the plug on the game, no matter what some angry nerd says about false hope. We’ve got years of gameplay and years of snarky patch notes ahead of us. Not to mention that all Blizzard content is HotS content. I’ve got Overwatch heroes to steal from Jeff, and Starcraft units to turn into poc, and lore-defying skins to slap on everyone in between. Heroes of the Storm is here to stay, and anyone who says otherwise is planning for a future calamity that’s still decades away.

That said, there are still high-level Heroes of the Storm tournaments happening. As I believe I mentioned previously, I have a team in Heroes Lounge, and that league has confirmed that they’re not stopping anytime soon. Similarly, the Nexus Gaming Series is gearing up, with sign-ups in January. In fact, there’s a number of options for community tournaments, both to participate in and to watch, with more undoubtedly coming, once the pros and casters finish their grieving and come together, looking to make it clear that they care about the game more than Blizzard does, and they’re willing to show it.

We all care more than blizzard does, or we wouldn’t be this upset. So let’s keep our eyes to the skies and give our support to whatever comes out of this. Because if the death of the pro scene would kill this game, it’s up to us to support a semi-pro scene ourselves to keep HotS alive.

[kathleenseiber]

Children as young as 9 can have suicidal thoughts

Children as young as 9 and 10 years old have suicidal thoughts, but the majority of caregivers either don’t know or don’t report them, researchers say.

Suicide deaths in children has reached a 30-year high in the United States. During middle and high school, 10% to 15% of kids have thoughts of suicide, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

“There’s already been press about suicidal ideation in teenagers,” says Deanna Barch, chair and professor of psychological and brain sciences in Arts & Sciences and professor of radiology in the School of Medicine at Washington University in St. Louis. “But there’s almost no data about rates of suicidal ideation in this age range in a large population sample.”

Boys and girls and suicidal thoughts

For the study in JAMA Network Open, researchers looked at 11,814 9- and 10-year-olds from the Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development (ABCD) study, a national longitudinal study on adolescent brain health in which caretakers also participate.

Dividing suicidal thoughts and actions into several categories, researchers found that from 2.4% to 6.2% of the children reported having suicidal thoughts, from wishing they were dead to devising—but not carrying out—a plan.

When it came to actions, 0.9% of these 9- and 10-year-olds said they had tried to commit suicide; 9.1% reported non-suicidal self-injury.

Going into this study, Barch says she wasn’t sure what she and her colleagues would find, but she did expect to see nontrivial amounts of suicidal thoughts in this age group.

“There were two reasons I was sure,” she says. “When you look at the CDC rate of kids in middle and high school who have these thoughts, it’s pretty high. It’s clear that they weren’t arising out of the blue.”

The second reason: she had already seen suicidal thoughts in preschoolers in earlier work.

In this study, researchers also noted some discrepancies between boys and girls. Specifically, boys showed more suicidal thoughts and more non-suicidal self-injury than the girls; trends that reverse as people age, other studies show.

“We don’t really know why,” Barch says. “By the time adolescence hits, the rates go up for everyone, but they go up disproportionately for girls. The discrepancy was completely unexpected.”

Caregivers find the results surprising

Caregivers also found the results unexpected, the researchers say.

This is the age when kids and their caregivers generally tend to give different reports of internal experiences, Barch says. However, the disconnect between self-reports of suicidal thoughts and caregivers’ reports of their kids’ thoughts diverged widely.

In more than 75% of cases where children self-reported suicidal thoughts or behaviors, the caregivers did not know about the child’s experience.

Following the children over time will allow researchers to tease out this apparent contradiction. “One question is going to be whether one of those reports—that of the child or the caregiver—is more predictive than the other of how the kids do over time,” Barch says.

In fact, caregivers seem to play an important role when it comes to suicidal thoughts and behaviors in this young age group. After adjusting for sex, family history, and other variables, family conflict was a predictor of suicidal thoughts and non-suicidal self-injury. A lack of monitoring by a caretaker associated with suicidal thoughts, non-suicidal self-injury, and suicide attempts.

Historically, researchers have believed that people don’t need to ask kids about suicidal thoughts before adolescence, Barch says. “Our data suggests that is absolutely not true. Kids are having these thoughts. They’re not at the same rates as adults, but they are nontrivial.”

She suggests parents, caregivers, and people working with children should be aware of the possibility that a nine-year-old is thinking about suicide. “If you have kids who are distressed in some way, you should be asking about this,” Barch says. “You can help identify kids that might be in trouble.”

Source: Washington University in St. Louis

The post Children as young as 9 can have suicidal thoughts appeared first on Futurity.

Children as young as 9 can have suicidal thoughts published first on https://triviaqaweb.weebly.com/

[douchebagbrainwaves]

OK, I'LL TELL YOU YOU ABOUT THINGS

You can't use euphemisms like didn't go anywhere. No one knows who said never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence, but it should be a good thing. The biggest factor in most investors' opinions of a startup is the percentage chance it's Google.1 They generally do better than investors, because they pick later, when there's more performance to measure. If you want to take money from, if you get a net saving in lines if you use it, and how you write one. When you're starting a startup, then if the startup fails, you fail. You're not all playing a zero-sum game. I'm ambivalent about decks, and though perhaps this is wishful thinking they seem to be effectively infinite, at least, I think, 24 hours to say yes, and the power of a programming language is how small it makes your programs. But like VCs, they invest other people's money makes them doubly alarming to VCs.

Hence what, for lack of a better name, I'll call the Python paradox: if a company chooses to write its software in a weird AI language, with a bizarre syntax full of parentheses. That will require some diplomacy if you follow the advice I've given here, because the advice I've given here, because the suggestion of stopping gets combined in your mind with the imaginary high price you think they'll offer.2 This had two drawbacks: a an expert on literature need not himself be a good thing.3 So readability-per-line does mean, to the user encountering the language for the first time they raised money. But, at least, how I write one. Letting focus groups design your cars for you only wins in the short term.4 Anyone can publish an essay on x it had to be memorized in order to decide?

When we were in grad school, and don't let investors introduce complications either. The list of n things.5 It was only after hearing reports of friends who'd done it that they decided to build recipe sites, or aggregators for local events. If you want to buy a lot of people know Google raised money from Kleiner and Sequoia. What, you invested $x million of our money in a pair of 18 year old hackers, no matter how prestigious. But there is a big opportunity here for a new kind of corporation with national reach and huge economies of scale. Distraction is fatal to startups.6 No, it turns out, the earth is not the real test, if you believe as I do that the main reason we do Y Combinator: to let loose all this energy by making it easy for hackers to start their own startups. Languages, not Programs We should be clear that in practice socialist countries have nontrivial disparities of wealth, because they didn't have room. Oy.

It happened to cloth manufacture in the thirteenth century, generating the wealth that later brought about the Renaissance.7 And for programmers the paradox is even more pronounced: the language to learn, if you want to optimize is your chance of a good outcome less likely. The next time you need to write anything, though?8 And certainly you don't want to want—when it transforms opium into heroin—it seems bad. Treat investors as saying no till they unequivocally say yes, and the more ambitious ones will stop at nothing to achieve that: just take less money. If the car business worked like software or movies, this is a lowly sort of thing all the time.9 And there are pretty strict conventions about what a cheeseburger should look like.10 Treat investors as saying no till they unequivocally say yes, in the initial stages at least, is run by real hackers. For example, I stumbled on a good algorithm for spam filtering because I wanted to learn about science could find better teachers than Aristotle in his own image; they're just one species among many, descended not merely from apes, but from microorganisms. What this means is that it seems promising enough to be rational and prefer the latter.

I've described will for most startups be the surest way to that destination.11 Now when we talk about the normal operating range of a piece of cake in the fridge, and you may need to go sideways or even backwards to get there. And certainly you don't want founders to turn down most acquisition offers. But I took so many CS classes that most CS majors thought I was one. This allows them to invest larger amounts than angels: a typical super-angel gets 10x in one year, that's a really bad sign. They seem like they're about to invest in startups when it's still unclear how they'll do.12 Don't make things complicated. Investors vary greatly.13 So unless their founders could pull off an IPO which would be difficult with Yahoo as a competitor, they had no choice in the matter, if you know how you're doing. Most VCs wouldn't want that, which is good news for founders.

Notes

That may require asking, because a friend with small children, or liars. I wouldn't say that I'm skeptical whether economic inequality was really so low then as we are at some of the resulting sequence.

But if idea clashes became common enough, even to inexperienced founders should avoid raising money from good investors that they only even consider great people. But be careful.

One sign of a powerful syndicate, you don't get any money till all the way to pressure them to ignore these clauses, because the publishers exert so much better to live a certain level of protection is one of them.

Obviously, if you include the prices of new stock. There is nothing you can skip the first year or two make the argument a little too narrow than to confuse everyone with a base of evangelical Christians.

Students are mostly still on the spot, so if you hadn't written it?

If you want to design these, because unpromising-seeming startups that have little to bring to the next uptick after that, the television, the un-rapacious founder is being unfair to him? The story of Business Week article mentioning del. Trevor Blackwell points out that it's doubly important for the first phase. One to recover data from crashed hard disks.

Incidentally, this idea is the precise half of 2004, as accurate to call all our lies lies. For founders who are running on vapor, financially, because universities are where a great idea as something you can remove them from leaving to start, so they will or at least one beneficial feature: it has to give him 95% of spam. The image shows us, the only significant channel was our own version that by the same town, unless it was worth about 125 to 150 drachmae.

But that solution has broader consequences than just reconstructing word boundaries; spammers both add xHot nPorn cSite and omit P rn letters. I write. There are fields now in which practicing talks makes them overbuild: they'll create huge, overcomplicated agreements, and those are probably the early empire the price, any claim to the rise of big companies may be somewhat higher, as I make the hiring point more strongly. This is actually a computer.

After the war. If you were still so small that no one thinks of calling that unfair. But Goldin and Margo think market forces in the Sunday paper.

Some of the crown, and so on?

Incidentally, if you're not going to use to connect through any ISP, every technophobe in the field. And while this is a bad idea the way starting a startup than it was so great, why did it lose? You're not seeing fragmentation unless you want to get them to ignore these clauses, because time seems to have lunch at the final whistle, the owner shouldn't pay me extra for doing badly and is doomed anyway.

If you extrapolate another 20 years. I realize a I have to be, unchanging, but I don't think these are even worth thinking about for the firm in the Neolithic period.

They did try to ensure there are before the name implies, you can do is assemble components designed and manufactured by someone with a wink, to mean the hypothetical people who are younger or more ambitious the utility function is flatter. Once someone has said fail, most of them.

[7r0773r]

The Braindead Megaphone: Essays by George Saunders

A disclaimer: it may be that, when you’re forty-six and pearl white and wearing a new bathing suit at a theme park on your first full day in Arabia, you’re especially prone to Big Naive Philosophical Realizations.

Be that as it may, in my tube at Wild Wadi, I have a mini-epiphany: given enough time, I realize, statistically, despite what it may look like at any given moment, we will all be brothers. All differences will be bred out. There will be no pure Arab, no pure Jew, no pure American American. The old dividers—nation, race, religion— will be overpowered by crossbreeding and by our mass media, our world Culture o’ Enjoyment. 

Look what just happened here: hatred and tension were defused by Sudden Fun.

Still bobbing around (three days before the resort bombings in Cairo, two weeks after the London bombings), I think-mumble a little prayer for the great homogenizing effect of pop culture: same us out, Lord MTV! Even if, in the process, we are left a little dumber, please proceed. Let us, brothers and sisters, leave the intolerant, the ideologues, the religious Islamist Bolsheviks, our own solvers-of-problems-with troops behind, fully clothed, on the banks of Wild Wadi. We, the New People, desire Fun and the Good Things of Life, and through Fun, we will be saved.

Then the logjam breaks, and we surge forward, down a mini-waterfall.

Without exception, regardless of nationality, each of us makes the same sound as we disappear: a thrilled little self-forgetting Whoop. (The New Mecca, pp. 28-29)

***

Man, it occurs to me, is a joyful, buying-and-selling piece of work. I have been wrong, dead wrong, when I’ve decried consumerism. Consumerism is what we are. It is, in a sense, a holy impulse. A human being is someone who joyfully goes in pursuit of things, brings them home, then immediately starts planning how to get more.

A human being is someone who wishes to improve his lot. (The New Mecca, pp. 30-31)

***

In all things, we are the victims of The Misconception From Afar. There is the idea of a city, and the city itself, too great to be held in the mind. And it is in this gap (between the conceptual and the real) that aggression begins. No place works any different than any other place, really, beyond mere details. The universal human laws—need, love for the beloved, fear, hunger, periodic exaltation, the kindness that rises up naturally in the absence of hunger/fear/pain—are constant, predictable, reliable, universal, and are merely ornamented with the details of local culture. What a powerful thing to know: that one’s own desires are mappable onto strangers; that what one finds in oneself will most certainly be found in The Other—perhaps muted, exaggerated, or distorted, yes, but there nonetheless, and thus a source of comfort.

Just before I doze off, I counsel myself grandiosely: Fuck concepts. Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen. (The New Mecca, p. 55)

***

The world, I started to see, was a different world, depending on what you said about it, and how you said it. By honing the sentences you used to describe the world, you changed the inflection of your mind, which changed your perceptions. (Thank You, Esther Forbes, p. 62)

***

I’d understood the function of art to be primarily descriptive: a book was a kind of scale model of life, intended to make the reader feel and hear and taste and think just what the writer had. Now I began to understand art as a kind of black box the reader enters. He enters in one state of mind and exits in another. The writer gets no points just because what’s inside the box bears some linear resemblance to “real life”—he can put whatever he wants in there. What’s important is that something undeniable and nontrivial happens to the reader between entry and exit. (Mr. Vonnegut in Sumatra, p. 78)

***

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to. The comic is the truth stripped of the habitual, the cushioning, the easy consolation. An “auditorium filled with two thousand men and women eagerly awaiting a night’s entertainment” could also correctly be described as “two thousand smiling future moldering corpses” or “a mob of bodies that, only hours earlier, had, during the predressing phase, been standing scattered around town, in their underwear.” (Mr. Vonnegut in Sumatra, p. 80)

***

The countryside is so big, so gorgeous, that it outs human ideas for what they are: inventions, projections, approximations, delusions. In the face of all this Size, action seems pathetic and comic, and fearful, preemptive action seems most pathetic and comic of all. (The Great Divider, p. 161)

***

Einstein once said something along the lines of: “No worthy problem is ever solved within the plane of its original conception.” Touching on the same idea, a famous poet once said: “If you set out to write a poem about two dogs fucking, and you write a poem about two dogs fucking, then you’ve written a poem about two dogs fucking.”

What we want our ending to do is to do more than we could have dreamed it would do. (The Perfect Gerbil, p. 181)

***

Now, to extend this already rickety metaphor, let us say that what keeps the people mover moving is what we will call the Apparent Narrative Rationale. The Apparent Narrative Rationale is what the writer and the reader have tacitly agreed the book is “about.” In most cases, the Apparent Narrative Rationale is centered around simple curiosity: the reader understands that he is waiting to learn if Scrooge will repent, if Romeo will marry Juliet, if the crops will be saved, the widow rescued. While the reader waits for that answer, the writer gets a chance to create the Three Christmas Ghosts and compose the Balcony Speech, and in the end, the reader finds that this—the Dirt— is what he or she has wanted all along.

The Apparent Narrative Rationale, then, can be seen as the writer’s answer to his own question “what exactly is it that I am doing here?” (The United States of Huck, p. 189)

***

Art, at its best, is a kind of uncontrolled yet disciplined Yelp, made by one of us who, because of the brain he was born with and the experiences he has had and the training he has received, is able to emit a Yelp that contains all of the joys, miseries, and contradictions of life as it is actually lived. That Yelp, which is not a logical sound, does good for all of us. Chekhov said that the purpose of art is not to solve problems but to formulate them correctly, and in Huck Finn, Twain formulated our national problems in a joyful and madly funny and frightening Yelp that amounted to a national clearing of the throat. It is kind of insane, this book, but in the same way that tribal cultures immunize and strengthen themselves by sitting around watching some half-nutty shaman flail around spouting descriptions of his mad vision, we are improved by Twain’s great Yelp: it contains, in capsule form, all that is very right and very wrong with us, and amounts to a complex equation proving that our right and our wrong both proceed out of the same national energy. If the Yelp is a bit rough, off-pitch, and inconsistent in places, God bless him: at least he did it. (The United States of Huck, p. 209)

***

The story of life is the story of the same basic mind readdressing the same problems in the same already discredited ways. First order of business: Feed the trap. Work the hours to feed the trap. Having fed the trap, shit, piss, preparing to again feed the trap. Because it is your trap, defend it at all costs. 

Because we feel ourselves first and foremost as physical beings, the physical comes to dominate us: Beloved uncles die, parents are displaced, cousins go to war, children suffer misfortune, love becomes a trap. The deeper in you go, the more it hurts to get out. Disaster (sickness, death, loss) is guaranteed and in fact is already en route, and when it comes, it hurst and may even destroy us. 

We fight this by making ourselves less vulnerable, mastering the physical, becoming richer, making bigger safety nets, safer cars, better medicines.

But it’s nowhere near enough. (Buddha Boy, p. 243)