#but. she wasnt in the first movie so they didnt bother making a live action design for her back then

[sonknuxadow]

i havent been paying attention to anything related to the live action monster high because i dont really care but i just saw an advertisement for the second movie on tv and why does movie toralei look like they just shot the animated design with the live action ray when everyone else is just inspired by their doll/cartoon designs and arent trying too hard to be exact copies of the dolls in terms of the outfits. like it's not a bad design or anything its just funny

[hikarikaishi-blog]

Why Caleb did what he did in ep127 – my theory.

This is my theory it can be super wrong, maybe I am right at some points, I just want to put it out there, maybe some of  you will like it. Here we go:

Caleb is my fav character the whole campaign so far and what he did in that episode shocked me, it was so not like him. We did see him when cornered he would go rampage but was he cornered here? So I was shocked.

I was shocked he didnt discuss the problem that might come from this with the M9, they didnt talk about it might be a trap they just went for it. They didnt think twice and that was alarming for me and the second they interacted with the guards it all went south and Caleb ignored Astrids tip of being stealthy to avoid Trent. And in the end he did appear and I was like „that is what you get when you just go full rage and dont think a second about it and Caleb you were the thinker in this campaign why did you do all of that?! Next episode I want an explanation for this or I am out!“

Caleb knew what he was doing all the time, he knew if he would do all of this Trent would show up.

There is no way he did forget that because Astrid told him super clear that Trent isnt there so they should be STEALTHY.  But he didnt. He ignored the warnings and put Astrid in danger with that as well, a soon as Trent sees the maps he knows who helped and Astrid will be punished. He said he cares for her and puts her in this danger! It was all a lie? Astrid deserves so much better than this! Boo Caleb for treating a girl that was obviusly in pain so she cried because of you like that! I was at least a bit happy that Matt clearly said Trent did appear because of the rucus, not because of Astrid. She didnt sent Trent. She didnt do it.

Caleb ignoring Astrid and her advice and destroying the bit of Trust that was building up between them – shatterd. „Caleb thats so stupid why are you that stupid.“

I was all that. I was so disappointed.

I woke up next morning and was still disappointed and a bit angry that Caleb went this route with all the murder. He knew Trent will maybe show up and catch them while stealing his stuff and he did it anyway. It was like Caleb wanted Trent to show up. To show him how much he hates him and to show him what he is capable off. Because Trent knows that now because he sees the display of raw power he might want to get Caleb back under his thumb and make him work for him again. There is no way out of this situation for them, than to bargain with Trent and he imo will let them got when they will do him a favor later. Caleb must have known that and still did this.

He is just playing into Trents hand where everyone wanted him to escape from. Because Trent is so bad.

And I was: Wait a minute.

Let that sink in for a secong.

He is playing …

playing Trents game. Do you get where I am going with this?

What if all of this, the killing and blood everywhere, is an act made up by Caleb? What if he is playing Trents mind game back at him?

He is giving Trent a view on him like Trents want to think of Caleb: Powerful, full of hate against the Volstruker and Trents experiments, full on revenge and wants to kill him, Trent, but also is no match for him with getting so easily caught in the middle of his home. He has power but he isnt clever enough. What if Caleb wanted to get caught by Trent? Pretend he is not clever so Trent thinks he isnt clever and can be a puppet for him again?

While  pretendign being a puppet again, Caleb can get closer to him/the Assembly to learn more about him and his connections in the Assembly. To learn how to root out all the corruption in the assembly wich is his main goal this whole campaign! He wanted to learn about all that from Ves, we know that, but that didnt work out so he has to do it another way and now he doing it on his own.

He knows, he can not fight the Assembly heads up. He knows he has to get inside first and root out evil from within. He has to earn some trust to get the info he wants to have. He cannot trust anyone so he goes on his own and wants to plays Trents game and maybe be better this time and beat Trent. What better way to beat someone than in his own game right?

And do you remember who talked about beating someone at their own game? Do you? It was Astrid during the dance scene. She said „...either we walk into their trap or beat them in their own game.“

In that scene i thougt she was talking about the TT because she touched his spots with the red eyes a second before and it bothered me that she said „we“. Was she planning on going with them to Eiselcross? That wont happen anyway (she would need trents permission/it would be to obvious and Trent would not let them go so they can come up with a plan to kill him) this is stupid. So now I get she was talking about „we either beat Trent and whomever we are fighting here or we walk into their trap.“

So what I proclaim is: Astrid and Caleb in general know they are dancing the „can-i-trust-you-tango“ but they know they have one common enemy: Trent.

So they were discussing during the dance without saying it, if they want to work together in bringing him down. Caleb wasnt sure if he wants/can work on the „Trent-problem“. He has more importand stuff to do right now and he doesnt want to face all that stuff from the past that will come up during this working against Trent.

He cares for Astrid as he said. He isnt against helping her but maybe not right now.

What made him change his mind was Astrid crying in a spot where nobody would have seen her crying all on her own. He knows her, he know how much is to interpret in her crying. I think she is rarely crying. She has doen the same training as Caleb did, she is used to be cruel and to murder and be a bad human. But she wont cry because of that. She said so herself in their first meeting. Her crying is super special and Caleb gets that. And because he cares so much for her, maybe you can relate when you know a person you care for is crying in the mud. You want to help so they dont cry anymore. That is why he decides he wants to help her,/wants to start working on the problem now and not later. He knows she is using him, but he is using her as well. He doesnt care. He wants to help, to help her, help his country. He made this decision over night and Astrid gave him the time to think about it, but she needed a signal from Caleb. Ans anwer to her question if he wants to do this now or not. She said „I will see what I can do for you“ aka says „i want to work on this now, how about you?“

He sent a red firey bloody signal back. A signal as bright as the fire Warning beacons of Gondor

in „The return of the kings“ when Gondor sent signal to Rohan asking for help. The fun part is nobody gets it beside Matt and that is exactly the kidn of pranks the people on the table like to play. Remember Sam/Scanlan? I do. it was stuff he planned for weeks and nobody was expecting it and it was a big suprise for everyone.)

He could have been stealthy and just get the stuff he wanted during the heist. It would have send the signal to Astrid „thanks for the help, I cant work on this now. Maybe later. See you“.

But Caleb did not do that. He send a signal like: „I am full in, I want to play this game, starting it right now and either we win this game or loose and run into his trap. Lets do it.“

Its amazing how they comunicate without saying a single word about it.

The three different papers you ask? For me its the answer to his „for the love that we three shared I need to ask a favor“. She answeres with the box „Here is what i can do for you and yeah we three are in this together“ the paper are symbols for the three of them. The three people from Blumenthal. Its brialliant.

Why she is thankful in the message: Because he comes back and contacts her. He is her only hope.

Why she is sorry the day after: Because she thinks she is guilty to drag him into this. She knows this will be hard for him and will cause a lot of pain. That is why she says she is sorry.

(Is she for real? We dont know. They are still dancing the „can-i-trust-you-tango“)

They are playing Trents game of saying the truth and show whats obvious. Matt and Liam are playing this game so good they fool the other players and me and other fans. Its brilliant.

To let everyone think its a Trap set up by Astrid? - Its fine because people will focus on her (and its legit because she is shady and in this game as well) while Caleb is the one whom they should be worried about.

Let everyone think he does all the stuff he did here because of the Drama, Trauma and the pain etc – Yes it is exactly that to a percentage and that is the truth he is showing here, but underneath that is the other truth that he just wants to get closer to Trent. Caleb knows how he has to behave to get what he wants. He does it all the time because he learnid it from Trent! (remember the scene he wanted to work Essek as he needed him to work in that moment on the ship, because Caleb wanted the peace talk to happen? Because Caleb didnt want Essek to run away but to stay and get done what he Caleb wants?) He does not like those methods but he has to use them to get what he wants.

This is a brilliant plan from Caleb and Astrid and you know, they worked together before. They know each other so well when it comes to work (and probably more). They were a team for a long time and its like: watching a movie where old action heroes that worked together for a time suddenly have to work again. They just work together like they always did. Its like one comes visit the other one after 10 years of both of them living their lives, and they just look at each other and the person stands up goes to a shelf, gets his old gun out that was hidden there all the time and only asks: how is the weather? And the other says „its clear blue sky“ and they dotn talk anymore and just to their thing like in old times and know exactly what to do. Caleb and Astrid are Assassins in this but you know the dynamic is there.

Another way to put it:

With the dinner invitation trent put up a chess board. And invited Caleb to play. Caleb doesnt answer. Astrid asks him at the door in private: „you said you want to play this game last time you visited me. Do you still want to play? „He says „yes“ and she answers „race you to the top“ wich was clever. It seemed like she wanted to play the game herself, and that is again one half of the  truth here: she wants to play this game, but not on her own because she knows she cannot win this alone. She needs help and playful/tricky invites Caleb to play this together against Trent. Like she would say: „I want to play the game and I would want to know who is more clever/better here, you or me“. This is the dynamic I think they had as teens: always challenge each other who is more clever and gets the solution to a riddle first etc. but always playful never hating and i think that is how they connected in the beginning and fell in love at some point. We will see that maybe in the comic in summer.

During the dance she said: „You have to decide soon if you want to play this chessgame because Trent is a bit distracted anyway right now. Also time is of the essence. You have eyes on your back?“ this mental chessgame wont be a game that will finish soon, or in 2-5 episodes. It might go on for half a year because its a chess game where you have to think a lot and think a lot up in front. With the „i will help you with the necklaces“ she holds out the first pawn to Caleb, and with his rampage he takes it and sets it on the board and the game is on.

And its all covered up in half truth and some scheming but never blunt lies because that would be to easy to find out and could be the end of the game.

So Astrid and Caleb are workign together against Trent while behaving like nothing happend. She does her stuff, he does his.

They will meet sometimes because they both have the working connetction to Trent and who knows how this will end? Trent I think is aware that the game is on and I think he will play (move his figures in the next episode. With the maybe task they have to do for him so he lets them go.)

He set the board on the table in the first place.

Tldr:

Caleb wanted to face Trent. He was aware of what he did, he knew their actions did lead to Trent appearing. He wanted to seem to be the scholar that breaks into his old teachers house to get stuff so he can get closer to Trent again, to gather information from inside the assembly so he can take the system down from inside. Astrid might have gibt him the idea, and maybe there is some planing going on between Astrid and Caleb that we can’t see.

[thelittlehansy]

Things that Annoy me in the Treatment of Prince Hans character

Because i love this gif gonna here is it : 😅

Over identification to Elsa and Anna : 

literally what happen in the movie : Prince Hans try to took advantages of a princess title later let her to died to took over her kingdom with also murdering a queen in order to escalated in a monarchy in order to be king also to reverse the winter cant ignore the fact that arendelle was literraly Frozen. 

people : Their Ex or A guy ( hans)) try to manipulated them or their daughter ( Anna) and later try to kill an other girl. ( possibly also them a friend , or their daughter or sister) 

this is basically how act a lot of fans , the cast , the creators a good part of people. This is annoying let fictonal character be fictional dont hold them in hostage because " i want to relate"

people in sleeping beauty after Maleficent try to murder aurora , threaten her during 16 whole years , succeeded to murder Her kidppap Phillip tried to murder him later because she wasnt invited at the baby shower of aurora : 

Aurora and phillip are boring: I wish maleficent would have won.

what people will said if phillip and aurra where as adore as elsa and anna : They both have post traumatic stress disorder.

Treatment of Hans fans 

imagined living in a fandom that think liking a Disney villain and finding him interesting is worse that put down mock several people  and  treat them like trash reject them and talk about them with disgust as basically “those small tiny delusional Hans community who promot abusive relationship” ? just told people they are invalid because they find him interesting.  fortunly didnt happen to me but sick ! 

Chidish and immature behavior :

sorry but there are a lot of hans antis who act this way 😅 WITH THING WRITE LIKE THIS BECAUSE THEY THING THIS IS FUNNY OR TO JUST SHOW THEY ARE ANGRY LIKE LOOK I M SCREAMING RIGHT KNOW and are gonna added you : 😡😡😡😡😡 ireedeamble monster 😄.

Different treatment :

Not treat like the others Disney villains FACT !! no one hate the others disney villains the way Hans is hate even tremaine and frollo dont have that hate so the argument "he is just a random human so he connect more with reality wrong" gaston is even love ! so some will say but no one tried to justify what the others disney villain did !!! Well first no one justify what hans has done but here is :

maleficent : justified actions by her being  a fairy and having a different morality also in tradition this was a big offend to not being invited. Also we ve got also The awful remake ( sorry if you like the movie i hate it) tried to justfy her bahvior.

gaston : a hunter ? he saw a beast he had to klil it ! read several time !

The evil queen : again...like have you ever see someone hate the queen to have give snow white the apple ? Nope ! But snow white is insult to have eat the apple ! So no one defend her but no one blame her also. The one that took all the critiscm is snow white and modern interpreation tried to defend her behavior.

gothel : she is also kind of defen like this is that bad what she did but she give rapunzel a tower she was a little nice ? 

Ursula : seriously There is literally no one that blame ursula to have trick ariel but everyone blame Ariel to have trust Ursula could you imagine prince hans in this situation ariel will not be blame at all. and you even got the Urusla didnt break the rules of the deal and she was acting as a buissness woman.😅

Facilier : blame naveen and also his background is sometimes used to defend his actions.

Hook : i see also a lot of times him being defend !

so others Disney villains actions are justify or reduct. I have never see someone honestly defend Hans action and said this le alright was he did.

Dismiss Hans life in the southern isles

we have Hans quote in the movie ,  lee words , A Frozen Heart , comic but this is not  enough and you will always heard people said that hans exaggerated his life with his brothers.

The lack of morality : ( that one is more subjective )

i m a very empathetic person personally but i cant help find that some person took  the excuse of Hans is the villain to tolerate abuse and even justify it. to me  whatever his crimes in Frozen he does not deserve to be punished by his abuser and people who know about his life in his homeland choose to ignore it on purpose sometimes. me personally it bother me ! it bothers how people who know about how mess up his life in the southern isles is choose to ignore it on purpose because he is the villain. Sorry but it work also in the others sense to me hans actions does not justify the abuse he goes throught by his family. I dont like vendetta so i m sorry but the fact he tried to kill a favorite disney princess does not justify anything. So then this is very convenient to reject it : by this is not canon but sorry a frozen heart or not this is canon that Hans live in an unloving environment.

Not funny humor

those cameo are just not funny even when i was no interest in the character i was finding them useless. hahaha the villain is hit !!! how many years old are you if you laughed at that ?😅

Bad lesson for kid 

Disney :  yeah litle kid see your princess is punching the villain

kid : hahahahahhahahaah

 Disney : see kid now the horrible villain receive a snowball in the face that makes go him in horse poop. 

kid : ahahhahahaahahahaha

Disney : hey look at our ester egg in big hero where the statue is smashed ? 

kid : AHAHAHAHAHAHA

disney : see kids see kid elsa is smashing his statue ! 

kid : AHAHHAHAHAHAHAA elsa is smashimg Hans statue.

Me : hey kid what about go saw cinderella live action and how piss off was tremaine when she ignore her and forgive her at the end To go take Her happy ending and forget her😅

So well i dont know if kids really laughed at all of That but you have understand the point.

If Hans was a girl...

Well i m sorry but i Cant not notice that if hans was a girl first the punch will not exist. Keep the same actions that Hans his crimes never the evil princess would have been punch. And you know what never the evil princess would have been humiliated at the end when he is violently throw in the cell with the bucket on his head And never the evil princess would have be hit by a snowball or smashed. I think there are actually high possibilities that the evil princess would even have more compassion and no one would have choose to dismiss her backstory. The evil princess would not even have bother people if she was ship to one of the Nice prince. So thats make a lot of thing i cant ignore. If Hans was not a man but keep the same actions he would have less hate.

[all-the-heart-you-cannot-see]

Mulan 2020 review

This is the first Disney remake i've cared enough about to review it, and i can only describe it in one word: dissapointing.

Spoilers ahead.

Now lets start with the things is did like!

I think the movie looks very beautiful, it's a nice color palette and the locations are all stuning, the set desing and photography is really good, i think this is the only aspect in which this movie manages to outshine the animation. It's never boring or ugly to look at, and im a sucker for a nice aesthetic.

I also liked Mulan, her internal conflict was nice, it showed she was a true warrior at heart, yes she was brave, and loyal, but she knew she wasn't true because she was being dishonest, the fact that it made her uneasy to know she was lying showed she had a good understanding of what it meant to be a warrior. I liked that.

I liked the ending and the reference at the begining to the original ballad with Mulan and the rabbits, i liked the action scenes, they were nice and i really, really liked the mid portion of the movie, it was the time i was the most entertained, the training part is the best part, the begining and the end were kind of meh for me.

As for the supporting cast, Shang was okay (i know his name is not Shang, i just dont remember how to write it) he didn't bother me, i like the ending they gave them, im annoyed by the fact thay they tried to made it seem like he knew she wasn't a man since the begining, we all know Shang was bisexual, Disney.

The witch and Mulan are sapphics and no one can change my mind, i liked her motivations, she just wanted to live in a society that would accept her for who she was, but the way she died was stupid, if she was going to die it had to be more epic than that, an arrow through the back while trying to save Mulan was lame (and also the death of a love interest, you can't fool me)

Now, with the rest of the soldiers we enter territory of what i didn't like.

When i first watched the trailers i was super excited. I love the animated version, but i was all on board with a live action Mulan that was all about war, battles, epicness and cool action scenes. I didn't want this to be a copy or try to emulate the original. My favorite part of maleficent is that is a new take on the original movie, it is not a afraid to go away from the source material, now i know Mulan is widely more loved than Aurora so they were probably scared of making it too different (also is disney kids movie) but if you took Mushu, grandma and the songs away, then go all the way.

I wanted an epic Mulan movie, i think the fact that it was princess movie held it back. Yao, Cricket and Ling only reminded me of the fact that this wasnt charming like the animated movie. If they wanted to keep them they needed to give them more screen time. Those characters are developed in the songs on the original, we don't have that in this version and honestly i don't think the cast had great chemestry together.

Mulan and Shang sure, but Mulan and the rest of the soldiers felt distant from each other which didn't help to sell me on them. I didn't find them annoying or unnecesary, just underwelming because everytime she said Yao my mind went to animated Yao (and how little we had seen about movie Yao to justify the playful i'll kill you myself banter).

The other thing i didnt like was the Chi thing. Like i know it is a thing in chinese martial arts, but part of the appeal of the original is that Mulan learns to be a great warrior like the other soldiers, there is nothing inherently special about her, she is just a girl in the army trying to bring honor to her family. When i saw kid Mulan do the back flip off the roof on the first scene i rolled my eyes so hard i could see my brain.

If they wanted to show Mulan wanst content with her role in society, little Mulan chasing the chicken was enough, the crazy ninja skills just took away from the experience in my opinion. The message of the original ballad is that you can't distinguish a rabbit from a female rabbit (i dont know the word in english for it, lol in spanish is a liebre from a conejo) when they are runing side by side, the message is you too little girl at home can be a fierce warrior, by giving Mulan an innate magic chi power they mess all that up. It was the WORST part of the movie, honestly without it i would like it more, even without the movie being an epic battle against invadors.

Keep the Chi, i dont care, its part of chinese traditions, but dont make it fucking magical, it didn't need to be.

Finally the ending. Mulan's magic kicks were cool to see in action scenes, but they were an awful way of killing off the villain, it was so anticlimatic i was legit waiting for the dude to actually catch the arrow and keep on fighting Mulan. I guess because it is a kids movie they couldnt have Mulan put a sword through his chest, but still, a cooler death would've been fine. I guess they wanted to trick us into thinking it was good by not having him die by falling into the fire thingy, but no Disney, death by arrow kick is just as lame.

Im ngl i missed the part where the emperor says to Shang to go after the girl but it wasnt something that made me like the movie less, i just wish they had made it different enough so i wouldnt have to miss those things. Like i said im okay with her and Shang not being really endgame, if they had Shang meet her at the village then i would've wished grandma was there so that was a smart move on their part.

Overall i think kids will enjoy this movie, but the rest of us who grew up with Mulan will just be dissapointed, this movie had great potential, i think the people who made it actually liked the character and cared about making a good movie, the fact that they had to combine action with a princess movie i think did not work in their favor.

I don't want to be too harsh on the movie, because i think they managed to give Mulan as a character something new, and im also a huge Disney simp, but if im honest, its probably a 6/10.

[basically-an-artist]

Part one of my #nanowrimo entry... Feedback welcome

I had to give myself a second to process what i thought i was seeing. Lamont, my brother, in my living room. His hair had grown alot longer since the last time id seen him. Though, i could tell by the way hed tied his locs that it was him. Messy but functional, and somehow always stylish. For him, though, as with everything, it came naturally.

  He looked magical, bathed in the blue light of the tv; as if there was such a look. He scanned one of the posters on the wall, apparently facinated with world war z.  I wondered how he was able to see them at all with only the pale light from the tvs reflection to distinguish them. In his black trench coat and kangol cap he was out of place amongst the empty beer cans, macbooks, assorted drug paraphernalia, and Harry Potter dvd box set scattered over the floor. It didnt help that he was drenched and dripping water over everything. A puddle collected slowly on the rug beneath him. It wasnt raining outside, though, so i could only guess how he'd been so thouroughly soaked.

Either way, he left a puddle under him as he stood, and by the size of it hed been here a while.

"You arent going to say hello to your brother?"

He didnt even turn around to speak, he kept looking at the pictures and posters lining the walls. I jumped slightly at the sound of him. I hadnt realized hed seen or even heard me;i couldnt even hear my own steps as i walked down the hall. It was a few seconds before i answered, roiling over his last visit before i said anything.

How did he get in? Were on the third floor.

"What are you even doing here dude, i told you i didnt want to see you." My voice fell off at the end. Im sure it gave away at least a peice of my inner monolouge.

Id actually kind of wished hed just show up like this, as he tended to do when he was unwelcomed. I hoped the prompt would give him a reason to apologize for our last meeting, or at least offer an explanation.

He completely ignored what id said.

"You know ive actually seen one of these before," he paused as he pointed at the tv, "What did they call them in the books... dementors?" He shuddered slightly before shaking his head. Now he spoke in a hush, like he was talking to himself, "Those things are not done justice by the movies." He looked away now, another shudder shaking his coattails. Water droplets flying.

"Why are you here? How did you get in?" Silence.

The questions hung in the air. My heartbeat rang in my ears for every second that passed

More silence.

The whole room seemed to breathe with my brother as he sighed. He finally turned to look at me and i froze. Half of me wanted to run to him, but the other half was screaming to jump out the window.

Has face bore the scar of a grotesque burn. As if hed peeked into the nozzle of a flamethrower as it turned on.

his eye underneath the scar looked normal enough. It didnt look misshapen or damaged in any way. But he no longer had an eyelid, top or bottom. His right eye almost cartoonish, exposed, and surrounded by the muddied burgundy of the charred skin in the pale blue light. He kept a straight face as he looked at me, but his eye gave his gaze a manic intensity.i had to stop myself from looking away.

I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible, failing apparantly as he chuckled at me in that way he did. The crooked grin on his face saying more than he'd said in any conversation between us. That smile always held secrets.

"I came back to give you something," he began," a souvenir from my travels." He went back to looking at the posters. Staring at them as if taking in some hidden meaning from their images. He did always seem to see some unseen message in everything. You can always learn more the second time around.

"Where have you been?" My voice gave way again. Again i was just the little brother of the infinitely talented Lamont Caldwell. asking questions i couldnt understand the answers to; trying to follow him on his oh-so mysterious adventures. Hed only been in front of me two minutes and hed sent me back 20 years. Again i was a scared and confused 4 year old.

"Dont worry about it. Everything will make sense soon. I told you a long time ago that i had to leave to really discover what it was i was meant to do. There was a purpose for me outside of what our parents had told us for so long." He crossed the room silently towards me, darkening the the floor in wet muddy footprints along the way. He kept eye contact the whole way, that orb of an eye boring into me."Theres a reason for all of this Marion, and i think ive finally found out what it is."

That eye paralyzed me. I was only aware of it because every muscle in my body wanted to back away, to run to my room and lock the door. It felt like minutes passed between each of his steps, like a dream carrying him to me in slow motion.

Stop stop stopstopstop.

He was inches from me now. Eyes still excavating my soul. As i looked into his, though, i could only see the boundlessness of his darkness. He was still an enigma to me; a shadows shadow. Of all the people id known in my life my brother had known me the best, and yet id never felt as if i truly understood him. Now, though, i felt as if i knew what he was thinking. If only for these few seconds.

Slowly, as if his body questioned his own actions, he wrapped his arms around me. His embrace reminded me of dads hugs. He was strong, but gentle. An embrace filled with the love of a long overdue apology. At least thats how i took it.

I accepted it and hugged him back. We stood that way for ten long heartbeats, the seconds passing lazily. I heard a sniffle and questioned for a second if it was him or me that had started crying, but couldnt turn over the thought before he said so low i almost questioned if hed spoken.

" Dont let our secrets burn you."

I felt my face contort in confusion before he ended the embrace. As i opened my mouth to speak the door to a room behind me opened, the noise startling me as it broke the tense silence.

I jumped and turned to see my roommate billie exiting her room in her hot pink bathrobe. Hair tousled, expression caught between annoyance and confusion. Shed just woken from a satifyingly deep sleep.

" dude. Have you seriously been out here watching harry potter this whole time? I know we said wed watch them all straight through but you had to realize that was a suicide run. Go the fuck to sleep. We both have work tomorrow." She shuffled past me to the kitchen turning on the light and then the faucet.

As she filled a cup with water i scanned the room for my brother. He was gone. His absence left a hole in the room, a void of energy where he should have been, but that could have been me projecting.

Of course.

Just like him to come raising a million questions and leave answering none of them.

How the hell did he get in?

I shook the thought out of my head, only then remembering what id come to the livingroom for in the first place. I began to pick up the room, the aftermath of an attempt at a pre-thanksgiving break movie marathon. It was supposed to be an all nighter. Unfortunately, the mixture of wine intoxication and primo bud had most of the participants passing out in their seats before the third movie started.

I picked up the candy wrappers and swept the loose tobacco into the trash. Only seeing the, clearly out of place, bound leather book when i cleared the pizza boxes from the table. This must have been that souvenir he was talking about.

It was dark brown, almost black, and encircled in thick metal bindings. An archaic iron-looking latch and lock protruded from the front. I wasnt sure how he expected me to open this book or if he expected me to.

I turned it over inspecting it more closely. Even in the dim light i could see the textblock was lined in silver. It glow eerily and reminded me somewhat of a bible.

On the back was a post it note:

Hold on to this. See you soon. -L

I rolled my eyes and tucked the book under my left arm. Its not like i hadnt seen my brother in almost 2 years, at least he gave me a completely useless gift too.

Billie crossed back into her den warning me to not make any loud noises on pain of death, which i obliged. I quickly finished straightening the room and headed back down the hall to my own bed. I tossed the book onto my dresser and collapsed under the weight of the night onto my pillow, not even bothering to cover myself with the comforter. The questions still swirling around my head settled in my skull as sleep took me.

As i drifted into the land of dreams a single thought peeked back through the veil before being silenced by the void of unconciousness.

How the hell did he get in?

[ghostantine]

OKAY SO THE ANIMATION MOVIE!

Right so I pretty much loved it??

this here now is quite a detailed take on it cos i guess i’ve talked back and forth about it so much i need give a conclusion

First of all: the set up, that also was the first eps that dropped on cw seed, is pretty much the weakest part of the film in my opinion. also for the film they got bit beefed up with other surrounding world and mood building stuff which helped.

So! Does it live up to the comic? well... yes and no. it has the wireframe of All His Engines but it does divert from it a lot. Most of the diversions are to cater to a certain idea, establishing the Hellblazer universe and tying into material people who know the motion work know. It’s not necessarily a bad thing tho, quite the contrary at one part or another: there is one plot twist early on that might actually be slightly more interesting than All His Engines had. The adaptation of the story clearly aims to bring more insight to Hellblazer as whole rather than adapting AHE, which im not opposed to at all if done well (originally i was really surprised by the choice of AHE to begin with). Unfortunately in some key parts of John’s history as well as key parts of AHE plot, this falls flat and dilutes some potential outcomes. Where it does live up to the comic tho is obviously the basis of the plot but also has very much the vibe and style of the comic (interesting as the art actually is very different and not to my taste). The comic clearly served as a platform to build this story from and they were very respectful for it as a source. They also took off some little off-character and off-canon things the comic originally had, altho on the other hand they did change and remove bits of AHE that were important for that storyline and suspense of it. There is a twist at the end that arguably, in it’s essence, is even more All His Engines than the comic actually was.

How it stands with Constantine Episode 10, Quid pour Quo? Well it’s quite at the similar place as ep10 and comic. I think the animation has more of the vibe of the comic while the liveaction follows the storyline more closely. The animation makes some huge diversions of the Hellblazer canon which i get to later on while Ep 10 sticks very much to the comic established histories of the characters and to execute the 2/3 of the AHE plot in the episode. I think personally that the comic still manages to be the most interesting of these three and the motion ones are tied at very close second place. Mostly cos the animation fucked up at places and the comic edges up by having amazing lines no one bothered to include.

There is a lot i really loved. In general the whole thing’s actually pretty great? I might need to actually rewatch the whole thing without pausing every 5 mins to write down thoughts or tumblr posts haha. I think it held itself together and someone not so emerged into the comics wont even be bothered by the things i find annoying.  It has a much of a noire theme like original comic did and is something i absolutely love. the other thing i did love was that it wasnt taking itself too seriously either and was very much funny when it needed to be and also when things were just so over the top. Just like Hellblazer is, that is very much a Hellblazer approach in tone. I did love the ‘party’ scene so much, it made me so happy in all it’s ridiculousness and how it was right down to the tee my interests ahah. There was couple non-comic plot twists I didnt even think to wait for and i did love some and appreciate others. John was very much in character, probably the most since Constantine, at least in live action, maybe even in comics. I did also really love how people reacted to him cos that’s another people get wrong a lot. He was called out for being a fucking idiot and a bad person but still getting appreciation and interest from his peers and demons trying to fuck him up. All the time they stuck to All His Engines as a reference point it was as good as it gets with these things. Loved Asa the Nightmare Nurse so much! She was cool! Also John got thrown around and had his ass kicked I also like that a lot like all you know. Those little inner demon gremlins were cute too i love them

Obviously there are some problems and things im gonna nitpick next. I’ve talked to an extent about the whole Newcastle thing being SO WRONG and how it could’ve been done right... or at least less wrong. I think on my first watch i initially said i don’t care that much but the more i thought about it and now that i watched it again.... i don’t like it. not one bit. I did also initially say I’m not bothered by the fact that ‘Chas’ in this is actually like Chas and Gary and couple other Newcastle people merged together but... in the end that bothers me too. I would be less bothered if these actually served the plot but they dont. AHE doesnt have these and it still works. You dont need “DEEP WHOLE LIFE OF FRIENDSHIP AND SHARED TRAGEDY” to make a mens’ friendship meaningful, that’s just toxic masculinity. Honestly as much as i love Newcastle as a plot and them introducing Nergal to the mix here worked, i dont think the whole 10-15 mins of botching it was worth it. Either do it well or leave it as a vague thing. One other big thing that always bothers me is the magic stuff. While this did try from time to time to have John just draw symbols, bleed a bit and chant some shit to call up some bigger magical entity, it did also make John do some glowy hands magic shit and referred to him as gifted or some other bs. That’s STILL just WRONG. Why is it so hard for these people to understand? HNGH. There was also some dumb bits here and there like John driving which annoys me so much. The end im not quite sure how to feel about but it’s also VERY MUCH AHE (to the vibe of it, not the actual end of AHE). I still dont like the art and i think they are dumb for the whole “London Hospital” thing, tho I’m mostly just amused by that. They did change some stuff from AHE which i thought was really cool on AHE so that kinda bugged me a bit. Not going too much into the details but it’s the usual diluting of comics plot twists. One big thing for me tho was the lack of a clear “trial and error” plot which is the key part of the comic’s plot structure and also was very much present in the Constantine episode but was missing from the movie. The movie on the other hand followed a different Hellblazer plot structure where “John has an absolute solution which has a huge cost but wont use it until the end”. They gave Chas’ sex scene to John which is a bit unfair. Also the lack of lines like “we bend down and think of England” and John’s joke about skull being a bad condom cos it’s got holes is a huge loss on it’s own too.

And against JLD movie? I do like this way better. Not gonna get to too many details here but this obviously is a Hellblazer based thing and not DC/N52 thing. Ofc this one has bit more canon fuck ups cos it tried to get to so many things but as a whole i think it’s better than JLD and a good adaptation of All His Engines.

tldr; it’s a great little movie and very much enjoyable. it has some obvious flaws but keeps up to the comic vibe, characterisation and plot.

Also let john say fuck 2k18

[hermannsgayhands]

i was talking abt this w my mom a few days ago and like im sure it wasnt an active, conscious decision like “hey lets take this incredibly rare physically disabled scifi action hero and this other guy (who he is definitely gay with) who is pretty undoubtedly ND and uh.......completely ruin their lives" but thats kind of. also the problem

im sure it wasnt an active conscious decision when the only disabled characters in anything ever at all were the cheesy villains in wheelchairs, but it was still a decision and these decisions have a real world impact. (if they didnt then we could basically just completely scrap the concept of representation in general, and also apparently the movie jaws never happened.) these decisions also show a lot of implicit bias, like, theres a reason that for a while (and still now to an extent) the only disabled characters in anything were evil, and it was because the people creating those characters couldnt envision a disabled character who was good and heroic or a protagonist or even just Not Evil, because they see disability as a bad thing, and it ends up being used as a shorthand to be like “this character is disabled, which is bad, so THEYRE ALSO bad.” subconscious decisions are still decisions and its important to examine and be critical of the decisions we make and why, especially when its wrt a marginalized group like this. implicit bias is a thing.

so i dont think it was conscious, but that also means that they werent considering the fact that disabled people are watching these movies too, which means theyre not considering what disabled people got out of the first one. hermann is so, so important to me as a disabled character. hermann in the first movie was and still is really special, because hes there, hes a SCIFI ACTION HERO, hes OUT THERE, hes not just behind the scenes, he can be kind of a dick (which is itself pretty refreshing when u take into account the angelic disabled person trope), he has a close relationship (literally however you want to look at it) with someone who doesnt coddle or baby him or act Uncomfortably Nice the way abled people do a lot of the time, because you know its a fake nice, and then hes ALIVE at the end, hes with his friend who he just saved the world with, and hes HAPPY

even now, when we are Starting to move past when the only disabled characters in anything are caricatures and villains, you also gotta look at the kinda thing we gotta deal with even in content ABOUT disabled characters thats marketed (for some godforsaken reason) to us: in me before you, a disabled person killing himself is framed as a romantic gesture. they want you to think its a good thing, and people did. in everything everything, the “””chronically ill””” character can only end up pursuing a relationship or feeling like her life is worth living when it turns out she was never chronically ill to begin with and it was actually just another case of munchausen by proxy (which is ~the big twist~ in SO MUCH SHIT LIKE THIS). so many movies with characters w chronic pain have them as addicts, when 1-people w chronic pain taking painkillers isnt addiction, even if they end up with a tolerance or having to adjust their doses, because that can happen with almost any medication, and 2-this is harmful both for people dealing with addiction and for people w chronic pain, because misinformation is never good for anyone, including 3-leading people to being denied treatment, INCLUDING 4-ive been told by TWO different nurse practitioners that i NEED to LIE if im ever in the ER, and say that i dont have one of my conditions because even if im there for something completely unrelated to pain, i will likely end up being denied treatment entirely because of how much stigma there is around chronic pain in general and around this specific diagnosis. basically: Shits Not Great and the media we consume has a huge impact on that.

pacific rim doesnt make hermann not disabled or try to sugarcoat it. theres no cure. theres no looking for a cure. hes treated like a real, full character the same as all the other characters. hes given fleshed-out relationships and he gets to be a hero. hes alive at the end. hes alive and hes happy and these things are so fucking small but even that is COMPLETELY beyond anything we can reasonably expect from like......anything. even stuff thats supposed to be about us. hermann is like if youve been trying to eat drawings of food for years and then suddenly someone throws you a multi-course meal just for funsies and youre like “Holy Shit This Is What Food Tastes Like, You Guys, Are You Aware Of This?? oh you are because youve already been eating this whole time BUT GUYS HOLY SHIT”

pacrim ended with a disabled action hero alive and happy with his friend, and since there was no guarantee or expectation of a sequel, that was just. how it ended. it ended and he was happy. but pr:u did a complete 180 and basically this is why im literally just making my own shit with my own disabled characters because it is genuinely exhausting having to deal with this even in a series where i thought i could expect Something, even if it was just for hermann to not be completely miserable and alone and deceived the entire movie. there is probably not going to be a third one, so we go from pacrim ending with a happy, alive disabled character to pacrim ending with a disabled character going through so much shit only to end up alone with basically no chance of any resolution, and not even bothering to show how hes reacting to everyone else being like “woo yay we stopped newt from killing everyone.” like their relationship can be important enough for the Drama but not enough for the followup to show how this is actually affecting the people involved.

basically pr:u treated the disabled character(s) the way i can expect everything else to treat disabled characters which was really disappointing and emotionally exhausting after what the first one gave us.

[neganisking]

The resident (2011) non horror AU - Max smut

Okay so I watched the resident tonight and i have this idea for a non horror kinky au. I know this is a twd blog but i have some jdm fans following who might like this.

Actual idea under the cut. WARNING: smut, BDSM, D/s, oral, voyeurism, exhibitionism, unprotected sex, cannon-ish max with his questionable thoughts, consentual sleep sex/ play, bodily fluid, minor drug use. I don’t wanna get into a debate about this being healthy or not. It’s fantasy so do with it what you will.

Okay so imagine that the girl moves into his building and there’s a building romance and when she goes to kiss him he ducks out of it, like the movie.

Then when he next speaks to her he explains that it wasn’t her its that he had particular tastes when it comes to those kinda relationships and he didn’t want to impose his ideas on her.

She gets curious and asks him about what those tastes are.

But ever since his grandfather caught max looking at bdsm porn he has had it drilled into his mind that he’s sick for enjoying it that he ought to be ashamed for liking those dynamics and the kinks he has. Duo he struggles like fuck about telling her. He likes her and its been so long since he had tried to be with anyone that he’s afraid of her rejection and losing her altogether.

It takes a bit of coaxing on her part but reluctantly he mentions something about kink and bdsm and waits for the disgust to come rolling in.

Except it doesn’t.

She smiles softly and tells him not to worry. That she knows a thing or two about that kind of thing and he isn’t quite sure what to do with the information. For the first time in such a long time he has hope that maybe someone will finally get him.

So they talk. Max isn’t sure exactly how he’s managing to get the words out and maybe his shame is written in his face because she slips her hand into his and he flushes with warmth at the contact. She listens so well to him and when she speaks about her own kinks and what she thinks of his desires he can’t quite believe he isn’t dreaming.

It doesnt happen all at once. That’s the hardest part for max. But with the possibility of something real at the end of it he manages to quell his thoughts and urges well enough. They get to know each other and develop what he’s calling a proper relationship for the first time in forever.

He realises how much respect he has for this woman. How incredibly strong and determined she is. He values the way she works so hard at what she does and how brave she is for putting her thoughts and ideas out there for him to hear. Shes so honest about her feelings and desires that it helps him to become more open about his too. He trusts this woman and it scares him a little. maybe hes falling a little.

Somehow she must have decided to trust him too because one night she invites max in to her appartment for the night. Its incredible. Max gets to feel touch and taste her and its better than fantasy its real. He cant help but feel how right it is as he fucks her. He had never enjoyed vanilla sex like this. Its never been this good. It was like his dick was made just for her. She lets him sleep in her bed and he just holds her gently, watching her sleep, too afraid of messing it up to even consider doing anything. He realises the voices are much quieter now.

Then comes more talking. Max never realised just how much talking he would have to do about sex before the actual sex happened. It annoyed him sometimes. Not because she wanted to talk about it but rather how talking about it made him feel. August was only at the end of the hall after all. She never judged him though, not once. He told her all about his voyeristic desires with his head bowed but she got it. To his surprise, She told max how she like the thought of being watched. She even confessed herself to having watched someone living in the next building have sex through their open window. Best orgasm she had ever given herself she had said. Max wasnt sure if he was dreaming but he didnt want to wake up if he was.

The first time she let him watch her masturbate she was nervous. He was so taken aback that it was actually happening that he stayed quiet in the chair and silently encouraged her and she stripped out of her clothes. Her eyes never left his. He didnt bother touching his cock that time for fear he’d miss even the smallest tremmor or sigh escaping her lips. She came hard, back arching, her pussy glistening and smiled.

It became a staple in their explorations. When the mood took him, max would instruct her how to touch herself, relishing in her submission to him. It made him feel powerful and it made him care for her more than he had ever thought possible. He slowly let his dominance through becoming more and more comfortable exercising his will over her. Trusting that she would tell him the moment it wasn’t okay with her.

One night falling asleep in his arms, she took hold of his hand and slowly dragged it between her legs, pressing his fingers against her pussy. He wasnt sure what it meant so he asked her. She told him she remembered about his other fantasy and that he didnt have to but if he wanted he could touch her while she slept. He kissed her and called her his good girl then and she smiled.

He waited until her breathing evened out his hand still and warm against her cunt before dipping his finger into her folds. She was soaking wet. He bit back a groan softly kissing her shoulder as he gently began to exolore her pussy while she slept. Finding her clit he thumbed it softly, eventually daring to slip two fingers inside her soping hole. He stroked her until he felt her walls tighten against his fingers and her pussy twitch and clench in an orgasm just for him alone. Her eyes flickered open ever so lightly and a small whimper escaped her lips but he knew she wasn’t really awake, hushing her back to sleep with gentle kisses.

Max had never felt so good. He didnt even have to hide it this time. He wondered how he got so lucky. He knew he was going to take such good care of her.

When she woke up in the morning she asked him what had happened. As he told her the truth he saw the way her breathing changed and the flush spreading across her chest. He had no doubt how much she enjoyed it when she asked his permission to give him a blowjob.

Things developed from there. Max worked on the other apartments while she was at work during the day and when she wasnt with her friends after work she would come home to him and they would spend the evening together. He had worried his jealous streak would be an issue there but nothing ever really happened. Something about the way she looked at him when they were together or when he would ‘bump’ into her while she was with friends put those worries to bed. Most nights they spent curled up naked skin against skin in her bed. She had confessed it felt better to fall asleep with his hand between her legs and he wasnt about to complain.

The first time anyone mentioned taking their sleep play further was when she brought it up. She voiced the things he was still afraid to. About wanting to be fucked while unawares and wondering how he felt about trying it. Of course he knew exactly how he felt about it. They soon realised that the trouble was that she kept waking up. No matter how careful he was there was just some things she couldn’t sleep though. He considered reverting back to old vices but the thought of hurting her sickened him so he pushed it aside.

Then she came home with sleeping pills.

She was nervous about telling him but he became so excited about his devious girl that he couldn’t help but reward her by tying her down to the bed and eating her sweet cunt until she begged for him to stop. It was one of her favourites.

They set up a webcam the night before her day off and she took the pills a little earlier than she would have had this been a normal night. She fell asleep safely in his arms listening to max tell her how good she was and how proud he was of her, how well he was going to take care of her.

He waited until she had been asleep long enough for the drugs to take effect before stripping the covers back in one fluid motion. Well aware of the camera pointed at him he began slowly, imagining her watching this later. He started at her feet. Kissing and caresssing the skin with his beard, gently suckling on her toes before moving up her legs.

Bypassing her cunt he sucks soft bruises into her hip bones knowing how she would be writhing underneath him if she was awake. He moves up her waist kissing the skin reaching up to cup her breasts before suckling on her nipples, indulging himself for so much longer than he would otherwise. He gazes up to her peaceful face and simply has to touch his cock at the sight of her being completely unaware of his actions.

He stops long enough to pull her legs apart and swipes his finger gently along her slit groaning as he rubs her juices over his cock. Shes completely at his mercy. Willingly giving him her body to do with what he pleases. Trusting him to take care of her in the most vulnerable state she’ll ever be in. It gives him a rush so heedy he cant quite believe his luck.

While groping her breast he slides down in between her legs and takes a deep breath in, smelling her wet cunt. His hips rut into the mattess of their own accord giving his cock the friction he craves. He isnt going to rush this though. Slowly he starts lapping at her pussy. Exploring more thoroughly than he ever had before.

Feeling his self control slip slightky he sets about making her orgasm. Its one of his favourite things to do while shes asleep. Something for him that she cant give, something he has to take. Pressing his fingers into her cunt as it slowly swells with unknown need, he toys with her clit, relishing the taste as her body draws tighter and tighter until she quakes and shudders, pulsing against him - but this time he doesnt stop.

He fucks her harder or his hand and quickens his mouth, sucking and flicking her swollen clit until she shudders once more, harder this time. He feels drunk on the power he has as he plays her body like a fiddle with his will.

Her juices ooze on his hand and as he carefully withdraws his hand to coat his dick in her cum he returns to her nipples, gently nipping and sucking the hard teats. He loves her. He isnt sure how much that says about him as he comes to the conclusion while about to fuck her motionless body but he does and he feels it so completely that as he strokes the tip of his cock against her folds he can’t help but confess it out into the quiet air.

Slipping into her pussy feels like coming home. Hes gentle, careful to go slow enough to allow her body to adjust, the orgasms helping to lube the way. He isnt going to last long, he knows that much, but this is more than he had ever dreamed would happen to him in his life and hes more than excited about it. He slowly picks up the pace, her tight walls milking his cock so well its almost too much.

Watching her sleeping face, he kisses her mouth, slipping his tongue inside and it tips him over the edge. He floods her pussy with his warm cum and for several long moments he stays there inside her, worshiping her body with his mouth as he comes down from his high.

When he does pull out of her, he watches his cum slowly drip from her hole onto the mattress and hopes that some of it stays inside for her to feel in the morning.

They watch the video of his playtime the next day and she loves it so much she's desperate to feel him inside her while she can remember.

Life for max seems to only get better from there. They fall into some kind of routine and most of the time its all very domestic. He never thought he would ever have such a thing with someone but there he is, cooking dinner for them both for when she gets in fron work and shes picking up a movie for them to watch on the way home.

Home. He couldn't really say he lived in his apartment anymore it was more like storage for the things he didn't need often. Home was here with her. He liked that.

At first he thought her just needed to find someone to fulfil his sexual needs but he realised it was so much more than that. He just didnt realise it until she was there. Everything else seemed to balance out. Even August had commented on the change in him. Maybe her would finally be proud of him, maybe not but it didnt matter.

Hearing the door click shut in the hallway max smiled as he continued to chop the vegetables. Gentle hands wound their way around his torso as his girl pressed kisses against his back. Turning on the spot to face her he couldn't help but admire this woman who had brought ship much love and acceptance into his life. He could only hope that he could do as much for her as she does for him. Hearing her quietly tell him how much she loves him as he bends slightly to kiss her, he can only trust that he does.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i actually commend him today. a legitimate issue between us is the fact that the weed we have ends up being shared between us but no one knows who smokes what amount or when and its just like stoners arguing about a weed bag which is asinine after awhile - its your word vs theirs. but i did smoke his weed this weekend / this week. im smoking it now. to be fair, its one of the ways i help create equality - for a long time i did not get what i want, and i dont really think i am so this is something ive done but its time to mature out of it and set a better example. its a very uncouth/unclassy thing to do. he was angry this morning and reiterated thst hes told me a number of times and that this is a giant inconvinience to him and it means i have to see him etc. but i also felt like it was a very controlled response to a legitimate thing i am doing to him in some ways. it wssnt like this random outburst of emotion - it felt much more straightforward and i feel that there were things he had to take into account - the fact that i do buy weed and it gets mixed in with his. or the fact ive given him 40$+ since the beginning of may and have paid for a nunber of things. the fact i continually offer him money or weed replacement. he repeated thst it was an inconvinience and that he didnt want to worry about it so stop smoking it. and fine - this time it feels different because hes not adding on "but i dont really care about it" - or watching as i smoke it and saying nothing. i can even appreciate that this comes at a time when im more likely to be able to afford my own in the future. which is why i dont believe its a huge issue to just pay it back. i told him i could just drop it off in the mailbox - which honestlt is more convinient for me because after three days of sitting st his house in the evening, im actually ready to just chill at home. or do other things. i appreciate that he used his time on projects and that i downloaded a dozen movies - the fact i have them honestly settles my anxiety because i know i dont have a lot of options. today is a studio day at the gallery, i have a cleaning job i feel well eniugh for out of the city and i havent seen our mutual friend since the weekend. i also promised to have drinks with another friend if she needed it. so i was naturally inclined to be distracted by things not involving him to begin with and taking a walk up to his house in the evening is just nice to enjoy the weather and go for a walk, or maybe get a drive from our mutual friend. what i dont appreciate about him is that he. reates these scenarios as giant ones that are end of his world. its an exaggeration thats really unnecessary but i know its becsuse alot of people have taken advantage of him. so ive always tried to give to the best of my abilities if i choose to take from him more than he is giving willingly. instead of dragging it out - i apologized. he told me sorry was not much because i did it anyways and continue doing it. i told him the only thing i can do is apologize and bring him back something in return, which could be done casually and without fanfare. it shouldnt be unusual to say something like, " oh will you be home? should i drop it off somewhere? ". he decided to drive me home before getting ready for work which i also appreciate because it meant that he was choosing to end the conversation without making a huge scene. it wasnt leading to this is break uo im not seeing u fuck u etc. it didnt include this so to me it felt like it was actually serious. like i could take this at face value and accept it as is and any further consequences from it. he just choose to end it. and our car ride was silent, which was fine - theres nothing else to say. i understand i did a thing that bothers him on legitimate levels and i can only be sorry for it and pay back whats owed. its very basic. but what i also appreciated was that when we got to my place i told him that i was sorry i continued to smoke his weed and i was sorry he was angry; not in a condescending way but just an apology that an action of mine caused him to feel anger in the day and that i would drop off weed in his mailbox tonight; he just needed to trust that i would pay him back. he said alright, give me a kiss, i have to go. which is very.. amazing. as we drove i kind of apologized to nyself that i was involved in an anxiety provoking situation in the morning and that i was causing harm to the success of my day but it wasnt the worst thing. so to end it on a peaceful note instead of no fuck u i dont want it i dont want to see you... im really grateful. i might even write a note with my drop off and like.. applaud him for making an effort not to be sooo... like he hss been. i dont know, this was very easily an opening for him to be like fuck it im done this is the last time its not worth it we just went through this. but he let it be and he wanted to trust in some ways that id pay him back and i wasnt ungrateful and i wasnt trying to take advantage of him and not acknowledge what i was taking. i am not an enemy. and after such a battle where nothing has been spoken about it since or ever came to a real conclusion.. its truly amazing this is how we are operating. i dont feel negativity. there are certain things i need to do in life anyways and i feel like by him not exagggerating this to a "break up" and dragging in all these random delusions of how i act and what we are that its actually taking seriously the probability of us remaining together. and if we are remaining together then this is not okay. temoorarily? whatever, minor expense. long term? not okay. and just this like little bit makes me feel better about things because i came to realize that there is absolutely no trust with him. he has also been hurt so many times that he operates at full protection mode all the time. when i said thst he hsd to trust id pay him back, as the words came out i realized they carried a heaviness. he did not trust i would pay him back. he did not trust that i wasnt taking sdvantage of him or trying to take up all his time. but ive never done this. to get here, its taken consistency. despite my overall instability, i am probably the most consistent thing in his life right now besides his mother. and my reactions have remained consistent and i really do want to control my habit at that level and stop smoking it now. i am truly amazed. i think after the last bit and the fact no one is talking about it made him realize hes here to stay. its "not a relationship" is now a joke, a funny belief of the past. it is love because i stood and took your abuse; not purposeful abuse, but being side swiped by an inability to control themselves. and i think hes smsrt enough to know that we are equals. he has had to carry me and stand thriugh and put up with anxiety because of me and i have done the same for him in times that are mentally very hard and even physically hard. i think its easy to say this is my boyfriend. this is my girlfriend. this is a relationship. but what does that even mean? my partner in life. to me, for the first time as an adult, i believe this might be setting ground work for a defining relationship in my life that is so enormous in what it could be that it simply cannot be done in fast forward. to be fair, i actuslly dont reallllyyy want to live with him right now. the comfort and safety of being able to leave when hes unbareable is so much better than being stuck. but what if that changes? what if his methods of expression become bareable? ive never seen someone grow. to make choices above the base one. but i know it happens. and to see this choice is inspiring and makes me want to make better choices. i feel about as bad for smoking his weed as he does for all the times he told me this isnt a relationship. i dont have guilt, unfortunately. i doubt he does either. but it can stop. on both sides it can stop and once it does, it doesnt need to be discussed or held on to. im hoping to watch a movie & get ready for my cleaning job but im 95% thsre - 5% wants to stay home and sleep but i want to atleast try to live my idealized version of the day becsuse i was given an idealized resolution this morning.