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astromancy-divinare · 9 months ago

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Every relationship & marriage you'll ever have is predestined in your natal chart. Don't believe me?

Here are the 7 Upapada Lagnas that accurately describe each of Elizabeth Taylor's 7 marriages from her sidereal natal chart.

Elizabeth Taylor was technically married 8 times but she had 7 husbands. She married actor Richard Burton twice.

The Upapada Lagna is a Vedic astrology technique that reveals details about your future marriage. Your Upapada Lagna can tell you how you'll meet your spouse, what the quality of the marriage will be, whether or not you'll have children together and the longevity of the marriage. This technique is best used in the sidereal natal chart, also known as the D1 natal chart. You must use Whole Sign house system.

To find the first Upapada Lagna in Elizabeth Taylor's D1 natal chart, we locate how many houses away the 12th house lord is from the 12th house. Her 12th house is in Libra. Venus is in the 5th house, so the 12th house lord is 6 houses away. We then count 6 houses from the 12th house lord in the 5th house and end up in Leo in the 10th house.

In Vedic astrology lagna is another word for ascendant, therefore the Upapada Lagna is considered to be the "1st house" of the marriage. We can move the house the Upapada Lagna is in to the 1st house position by selecting it in the 1st House From option above the chart on Astro-Seek.com. The natal chart will then be turned and we'll be able to read this "new chart" to get information regarding her first marriage.

TW: Mention of DV and miscarriage.

1st Upapada Lagna: Leo 10H

First husband: Conrad "Nicky" Hilton Jr. Wedding: May 6, 1950

Neptune is in the Upapada Lagna in Leo: Nicky was a violent alcoholic, which Elizabeth didn't discover until shortly after they got married. The way he portrayed himself beforehand was an illusion. Neptune = addiction & illusion.

Neptune is opposing Sun in the 7th house: The marriage was a disappointment that left Elizabeth feeling disillusioned.

Neptune is opposing Mars in the 7th house: Nicky was very insecure, which made him act aggressively to make up for it.

Malefic planets Sun and Mars are in the 7th house: Divorce indicator.

7th house lord is in the 6th house: Divorce indicator.

5th house lord is in the 12th house: Elizabeth suffered a miscarriage after Nicky kicked her in the stomach. 5th house = children. 12th house = loss.

The house next to the Upapada Lagna shows the longevity of the marriage.

Ketu is in the next house in Virgo: This is a divorce indicator. Ketu is considered to be a malefic planet because it represents detachment.

2nd Upapada Lagna: Pisces 5H

Second husband: Michael Wilding Wedding: February 21, 1952

To find the next Upapada Lagna we count 8 houses away from the first Upapada Lagna and end up in Pisces in the 5th house.

Rahu is in the Upapada Lagna in Pisces: Rahu can represent a spouse from a foreign country. Michael was from England. Having Rahu in the Upapada Lagna is also an indicator of divorce.

Uranus is conjunct Venus in the Upapada Lagna in Pisces: This conjunction can indicate that there was something unusual about the marriage. Michael was 20 years older than her. She was 20 when they got married.

Ketu is in the 7th house: Divorce indicator.

4th house lord is in the 12th house: Divorce indicator.

Cancer is in the 5th house with Jupiter: Elizabeth gave birth to two sons. 5th house = children, Jupiter = male offspring.

5th house lord is in the 8th house: Elizabeth had a cesarean section for both of her pregnancies. 8th house = surgery.

1st house lord is in the 5th house: This marriage was destined to produce children.

The house next to the Upapada Lagna shows the longevity of the marriage.

2nd house lord is in the 12th house: Divorce indicator.

3rd Upapada Lagna: Libra 12H

Third husband: Mike Todd Wedding: February 2, 1957

Moon is in the Upapada Lagna in Libra: This was a happy, loving marriage. Moon is the lord of the 10th house, which means they were both very loyal and dedicated to each other.

8th house lord, Venus, is in the 6th house conjunct Uranus: The 6th house is associated with the loss of marriage because it's 12 houses away from the 7th house. The 8th house is associated with sudden events and death. The 8th house lord is conjunct Uranus in the 6th house, which indicates that the marriage ended suddenly and unexpectedly. The marriage ended when Mike was killed in a plane crash.

Sun, Mars and Mercury are in the 5th house in Aquarius: Elizabeth gave birth to a daughter in this marriage. The 5th house lord is in Capricorn, which indicates that the child born from this marriage would be a girl. Sun and Mars in the 5th house represent Elizabeth's two sons from her previous marriage. The 9th house represents the third child and its lord Mercury is also in the 5th house, representing her daughter from this marriage.

The house next to the Upapada Lagna shows the longevity of the marriage.

2nd house lord is in the 5th house: Mars is the lord of the 2nd house and it's in the 5th house conjunct Mercury. Mars is the significator for accidents and Mercury is the significator for air travel = The marriage ended when Mike was killed in a plane crash.

4th Upapada Lagna: Taurus 7H

Fourth husband: Eddie Fisher Wedding: May 12, 1959

Upapada Lagna lord, Venus, is in the 11th house conjunct Uranus: The 11th house is considered to be the 5th house from the 7th house and therefore can represent affairs. This marriage began as an affair after Elizabeth's third husband died. She and her third husband Mike Todd were friends with Eddie Fisher and his wife Debbie Reynolds (Carrie Fisher's parents, AKA Princess Leia). After Mike died, Eddie comforted Elizabeth and it resulted in them having an affair. Eddie quickly divorced Debbie and married Elizabeth.

Upapada Lagna lord, Venus, is in the 11th house squaring the 7th house co-lord Pluto in the 2nd house: Pluto represents sex, secrets, death and transformation. And the house next to the Upapada Lagna shows the longevity of the marriage, so to have Pluto in that house shows that this marriage began as an affair due to the death of Elizabeth's previous husband, but it also shows that this marriage ended because of an affair Elizabeth had later on with her next husband Richard Burton.

7th house co-lord Ketu is in the 5th house and its dispositor Mercury is in the 10th house: Elizabeth's affair with Eddie Fisher and later her affair with Richard Burton were both VERY public and much talked about.

Ketu is in Virgo in the 5th house: Ketu in the 5th house can indicate adoption and having Mercury or Saturn as the 5th house lord can also indicate adoption. Elizabeth began the process to adopt an orphaned girl from Germany while she was still married to Eddie. She completed the adoption process with her next husband Richard Burton.

5th Upapada Lagna: Sagittarius 2H

Fifth husband: Richard Burton Wedding: March 15, 1964

Upapada Lagna is in Sagittarius: This can indicate a spouse from a foreign country. Richard was from Wales.

Saturn is in Capricorn in the house next to the Upapada Lagna: Saturn can make the couple stay together for a long time when it's in the house next to the Upapada Lagna, especially when it's in the sign it rules. This was Elizabeth's longest marriage. They were married for 10 years and then divorced in 1974 but remarried in 1975 and divorced for the final time in 1976. This Upapada Lagna represents both marriages because Elizabeth wasn't with anyone else in between.

This Upapada Lagna is in Elizabeth's natal 2nd house: This shows that her affair with Richard Burton was the cause for her last marriage with Eddie Fisher ending.

Pluto is in the 7th house in Gemini: This can indicate a powerful and intoxicating romance that is also prone to major transformative highs and lows. Elizabeth had a tumultuous yet passionate relationship with Richard. They had irresistible chemistry with each other. Richard was the second love of her life after Mike Todd who died in a plane crash.

4th house lord is in the 8th house: Divorce indicator.

6th house lord is in the 4th house: Divorce indicator.

6th Upapada Lagna: Cancer 9H

Sixth husband: John Warner Wedding: December 4, 1976

Upapada Lagna lord is in the 4th house: This placement indicates there being a necessity to keep the identity and personality of the marriage and/or spouses private. John Warner was a senator for Virginia at the time and Elizabeth was told to "tone down" her personality and the way she presented herself for the sake of his political career. She was told to get rid of her yacht and Rolls-Royce and to change the way she dressed. She was specifically told to never wear her favorite color purple because it represented royalty and she wasn't supposed to outshine John.

Neptune is in the house next to the Upapada Lagna: Having to fill the role of a senator's supportive wife and hob-knob in Washington D.C. made her incredibly depressed and disillusioned. Elizabeth later said that being a senator's wife turned her into a "drunk and a junkie." Neptune = alcohol/drugs/addiction.

Saturn is in the 7th house in Capricorn: Elizabeth wanted someone to help her get over Richard Burton and she thought she wanted the "normal" life of a farmer's wife (John had a farm) but she soon realized that lifestyle was incredibly restrictive. The marriage felt very Saturnian.

6th house lord is in the Upapada Lagna: This marriage was mostly for the benefit of John's career because Elizabeth brought him a lot more attention and star power. He needed her help in his 1978 bid for Virginia's U.S. Senate seat. Voters clamored to meet her at political rallies.

8th house lord is in the 7th house: Divorce indicator.

2nd house lord is conjunct a malefic planet: Divorce indicator.

7th Upapada Lagna: Aquarius 4H

Seventh husband: Larry Fortensky Wedding: October 6, 1991

Upapada Lagna is in natal 4th house: This was Elizabeth's last marriage, so it's fitting that the Upapada Lagna is in her natal 4th house because the 4th house represents "the end."

Neptune is in the 7th house: Larry was a construction worker that Elizabeth met in rehab. Neptune = addiction.

Malefic planets Sun and Mars are in the Upapada Lagna and are opposing Neptune in the 7th house: Having malefic planets in the Upapada Lagna can create obstacles in the marriage that lead to divorce. Sun and Mars are opposing Neptune in the 7th house = Elizabeth got a divorce because Larry started drinking again and her friends were unimpressed by him.

Saturn is in the 12th house: Elizabeth and Larry met at rehab. The theme of their marriage was trying to stay sober. Saturn = restriction, 12th house = addiction.

Rahu is in the house next to the Upapada Lagna: Divorce indicator.

Uranus conjunct Venus is in the house next to the Upapada Lagna: The differences between Elizabeth and Larry in age, career and life experiences were too vast and too many, which also led them to divorce.

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slaymitchabernathy · 21 days ago

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Baby Steps

| tw: mentions of miscarriages |

"Oh, aren't you so handsome? Yes, you are! So, so handsome, my darling boy."

Even from his study, Coriolanus can hear his wife cooing in their son's ear. Some men might get annoyed at the constant chatter, the constant narration of every single thing the eleven-month-old does, but not him.

They deserve to drink up every moment with their son.

Corioalnus thinks that maybe he'd be a little more stern with Soarynn if their son, Caspian, wasn't their firstborn, the heir to the Snow fortune. But Caspian is nothing short of a miracle.

They have gone through two gigantic losses to get to this point.

Their first baby, a girl, went so quietly one night while they were both sleeping. Coriolanus woke up to Soarynn lying in a puddle of her own blood. Neither of them knew what to do, what it meant. Soarynn was hysterical, screaming that something was wrong with the baby. He rushed her to the hospital, but by then, it was too late.

Their baby girl was no longer with them.

Sorynn had an emergency cesarean section to remove the dead fetus; five months of growing their child in her stomach meant nothing. She had been devastated, unable to move due to the stitches and her grief. There were days when he didn't think she'd ever recover.

The second miscarriage was more painful if that was even possible. Coriolanus had been at work when he got a panicked call from his wife, crying that she was losing the baby. Another little girl, almost six months along.

He rushed to meet Soarynn at the hospital, where she was observed for several days until the doctor announced that if she were to give both to their baby in three months, it would be a stillbirth.

Oh, she cried. Coriolanus remembers how badly she cried, how inconsolable Soarynn was when they had to make the decision to have another emergency cesarean section, for the safety of her own life as well as the child's.

By this point, he was done. He was done seeing his wife, his darling girl, go through so much pain. He was done buying small caskets and getting the condolences from all their closest friends.

He was done.

The Snows returned to their penthouse with no baby bump, no baby, and no hope for the near future. It took almost a year for Soarynn to get color back in her skin, light in her dazzling eyes. She fell into a deep depression, so deep that he was terrified of leaving her at home by herself.

To help her feel better, Coriolanus bought her a fluffy white kitten. Petunia was an instant hit, something for Soarynn to nurture. In a way, it pained him to see how natural her maternal instincts were towards the cat. Soarynn would make a wonderful mother.

Eventually, things returned to normal. Both of them went to see a therapist. Coriolanus was gutted as well by the miscarriages, but he went about his grief differently, burying himself in his work.

Anything to distract himself.

They moved on, slowly but surely. They started going on little dates again, Soarynn allowed him to touch her, to give her pleasure after withholding from it for so long. Many nights were spent passionately in the bedroom where he'd whisper about how strong she was, how beautiful, and how kind. How he'd give her the world if she asked.

The nursery remained untouched. Soarynn never mentioned repurposing the room that sat unused for three years, and he didn't mention it either. Every once in a while, he'd find her sitting in the rocking chair she bought for nursing. Her eyes would be closed, and her hands would be resting on her stomach.

Coriolanus never said anything. He knew she was still grieving in her own silent way, for what is grief if not love preserving? He let her do what she felt was right. What she felt was appropriate and needed.

Needless to say, they were both surprised when Soarynn missed her period one month. He thought maybe it was stress, maybe she wasn't eating enough, or maybe it was the lingering sadness. They had sex a few times a week, that was nothing new, but Coriolanus had just assumed that she'd never get pregnant again.

He thought her body couldn't handle another pregnancy.

Soarynn must've thought the same thing, too, because when she decided to take a pregnancy test, he heard a gasp come from their bathroom.

It was a miracle. A miracle that was both a blessing and a curse.

Coriolanus was terrified to put things plainly. He couldn't lose her, he couldn't risk Soarynn's life for the slim possibility of a child. He already lost his own mother to childbirth, and Soarynn's mother passed away giving birth to her.

Childbirth was the killer in both their bloodlines, and if anything, Soarynn had gotten lucky the last two times.

He tried to talk Soarynn out of it. Tried to tell her that it could possibly end the same way the last two did, and that he refused to put her through that again. She might never come back to him if it happened again.

Soarynn becoming a shell of herself was a big and selfish fear of his.

But Soarynn was insistent, determined to see this through.

"It's a sign," she had told him, holding his face in her small hands. "Third time's the charm, right?"

He was not so easily convinced, but for the sake of her happiness, he went along with it. Now, this wasn't to say that he didn't take precautions, because he did.

Weekly visits to the doctor's office. Coriolanus wanted an ultrasound every single time. Blood was constantly being drawn despite Soarynn's hatred of needles. Coriolanus had Soarynn on a rigorous diet to ensure that she and the baby were getting all the nutrients they needed. He also made sure that she was getting plenty of exercise as well as plenty of rest.

One day, during their afternoon walk in the park, he had stopped her from bending down to feed the ducks swimming in the lake.

"You don't want to hurt the baby," he had warned.

Soarynn, halfway through the pregnancy and her patience had given him a look. "You know, pregnancy is supposed to be enjoyable," she had snapped. After that, he was a little more relaxed.

Just a little.

When it came time to find out the gender, Coriolanus was fully expecting it to be a girl. Soarynn was too, so they were very surprised to find out that they were having a boy.

A boy. A little boy.

There had been a small part of him that hoped for a girl, solely because he felt they were owed at least that after what they'd been put through. But perhaps a boy was a break in their bad luck.

Soarynn flew into action to prepare the nursery, trading out light pinks for baby blues. It made them both sad to see so many little things be sent away, little ribbons and dresses. But with goodbyes came hellos. Soarynn started buying little sweaters and suits, shiny little shoes, and stuffed bears for their future son.

When the time came to give birth, Coriolanus was a wreck. He was thrilled that they made it this far, but birth was quite the vast finish line to cross to get to the other side.

The other side being parenthood.

But Caspian Snow was born at nine o'clock at night after seven hours of labor. He weighed six pounds and had blonde hair and bright blue eyes, just like his father.

Soarynn cried tears of joy to have her son in her arms. Coriolanus might have shed a tear as well. They were thrilled to announce his birth, and Soarynn toted him around everywhere she went once it was safe to bring him to public places.

Coriolanus never realized how many people loved babies until he had one of his own. Everywhere they went, people gravitated towards them, and Soarynn was more than proud to show off her beaming baby boy.

Caspian had her wrapped around his little finger.

The past few months have been nothing short of blissful, exactly what they deserve after what they've gone through.

"Come on, darling, try again," Soarynn encourages from his nursery down the hall. Coriolanus doesn't need to see them to know what's going on. Caspian is beginning to talk and walk. He does more talking than walking right now, well, he babbles.

He knows very few words, his first being 'Momma,' which was no surprise to Coriolanus. Soarynn spends every waking moment with Caspian, whereas Coriolanus sees him after work.

But she's been quite determined to get Caspian to take his first steps. He hears more noncoherent babbling come from Caspian, probably tired of trying to walk.

Coriolanus focuses back on his work, the only reason he chose to work from home today was because he had to get his yearly physical done. He came home after the appointment, figuring he could get in a few extra minutes with his family.

He scans the papers in front of him, but his focus doesn't last long.

"CORYO!"

He's on his feet in seconds, imagining the worst. Caspian keeled over, frothing at the mouth, seizing. Unsavable. He runs down the hallway into the nursery, prepared to see the gruesome sight of his dead son, but instead, sees Caspian standing on his own two feet.

Soarynn sits on her knees a few feet away from him, smiling so big with her arms open. "Come on, darling, come to Momma! Oh, Coryo, you just missed it! Caspian took his first steps!"

Caspian holds out his hands for balance, trying to use his chubby little legs for support. Caspian whimpers, looking at both his parents for help. "You can do it, Caspian," Coriolanus encourages, nodding at the small child. Soarynn nods in agreement, holding her hands out even further.

"Come to Momma."

Caspian takes five wobbly steps towards her, almost losing his footing at one point if it weren't for the rug underneath him. But he makes it, grabbing onto Soarynn's hand the moment she's in reach. Soarynn laughs, another delighted smile on her face as she beams up at Coriolanus.

"Did you see that!? He's walking!"

Coriolanus smiles, he's not nearly as sentimental as Soarynn is, but even he can admit what a big milestone this is for Caspian. "He'll be running before you know it." Soarynn laughs, pressing a kiss to Caspian's face. "Well done, my darling, well done." Caspian basks in her attention, placing his small hand on her cheek, "Momma."

Soarynn nods, her smile still lingers as it so often does when she's with him. "That's right, darling, I'm your Momma. Now, why don't you walk over to your Father?" She points at Coriolanus, causing Caspian to follow her finger. Caspian smiles at Coriolanus, newfound confidence within his small body.

Soarynn holds onto his waist until he feels brave enough to step towards Coriolanus. He takes another step, then another step. Coriolanus is crouching down without even realizing it, holding his hands out for his son. Caspian leaves the safety of the carpet, now on the hardwood floors, but he handles it like a professional. He only stumbles once, mostly due to his socks on the slippery floor, but he recovers nicely.

"There you go," Coriolanus praises, taking Caspian's small outstretched hand. Soarynn claps while Coriolanus scoops him up, bouncing him up and down. "Already walking on the hardwood floors. He's a Snow if I've ever seen one."

Caspian babbles some more, grabbing at the buttons on his father's shirt. Soarynn rises from the floor, joining her two men at the doors to the nursery. "You're growing up so fast, darling. You'll be climbing into our bed before we know it."

Coriolanus shudders at the thought of being woken up at all hours of the night by a stir crazy Caspian. It's bad enough that Petunia sleeps with them. He didn't have it in his heart to keep her and Soarynn separated when they first got her. Soarynn was so fragile, and she needed a friend, a constant source of companionship.

"Let's hope that he enjoys sleeping in his own bed," Coriolanus says, resting one hand on her waist. He didn't know what to expect once Caspian was born. Would Soarynn stop caring about her appearance? Would she grow distant from her husband? Would she lose a part of herself?

None of these things happened, thankfully. That pregnancy glow never seemed to leave her, and Soarynn became even more doting towards Coriolanus than before, if that was even possible. As for appearances, well, she made lots of them and kept her own appearance in perfect shape. She still gets her hair trimmed every six weeks, her nails done every three, and gets full body waxes like clockwork.

Thanks to the diet he had her on, Soarynn bounced back rather quickly after giving birth. This was her first natural birth, so there was no need to worry about stitches tearing. Coriolanus still had her rest for most of the day, bringing her fruits, tea, and books. Whatever she needed, she got.

"Momma!"

Soarynn is delighted all over again, pressing kisses all over Caspian's face. "Isn't he just so clever? Just like his Father." Coriolanus puffs up at that compliment. Caspian will most likely grow to be as tall and handsome as he is, carrying on the Snow legacy.

Sometimes, after Soarynn has fallen asleep, he wonders if Caspian will manage to find a woman as fitting as Soarynn. Every boy subconsciously wants to date a girl somewhat like their mother, but Coriolanus feels that it's quite impossible to find someone else like Soarynn.

"Well," he says, "I can't argue with that."

Caspian wiggles to get out of his hold, so Coriolanus gently sets him back down on the floor. Caspian toddles right over to Petuinia, who until now, was oblivious to what just took place. She'll often join Soarynn in the nursery, lying by the crib, occasionally sparing Caspian a glance.

Their son loves Petunia, but Petunia simply tolerates him.

When they first introduced the two of them, Petunia had tried to swat at the newborn. Soarynn had gasped, clutching Caspian closer to her while Coriolanus picked up a yowling Petunia and escorted her out into the hall.

"She thinks we're replacing her," Soarynn had realized.

"Give her some time, darling, she'll warm up to him," Coriolanus promised.

One should never bet on a cat, though.

Caspian walks over to Petunia, slowly but surely, as Petunia realizes what's happened, how this new development will now permanently affect her. Her eyes widen, and she jumps up, quickly running around him and into the hallway. Caspian pouts, turning around to follow her, but Petunia is long gone.

"She doesn't want to play, sweet boy," Soarynn explains, picking him up. Caspian pouts, he always wants to play with Petunia. "We should put him in a playgroup," Coriolanus suggests, "let him play with other humans."

Soarynn nods, Caspian is big enough to start interacting with other children his age, and all their friends have started families as well. "I suppose you're right," she sighs, "and it'll be good to tire him out in the afternoons." To prove her point, Caspian kicks his feet, trying to escape her hold. "We don't kick, Caspian," Coriolanus sternly corrects him.

The change in tone does not bode well with Caspian, whose lip trembles before burying his face in Soarynn's neck. "Oh, it's alright, darling. Your Father didn't mean to upset you." Soarynn gives Coriolanus a nasty look when Caspian begins to cry, but he doesn't feel remotely guilty.

Soarynn would never reprimand their son if she had her way. And Coriolanus can't afford to have a badly behaved child who acts out in public and in private. No, it's best to nip this in the bud right now.

"Perhaps he needs a nap after all this excitement," he throws out, placing his hand on the back of Caspian's head. Little curls are already sprouting out, causing Coriolanus to wonder if Caspian will show any resemblance to Soarynn at all.

"That's not a bad idea," she mumbles, swaying side to side. Coriolanus kisses her temple, a way of saying his goodbyes before returning to his study. He can't afford to get caught up in all the excitement.

꧁ ꧂

Three days later, all of the Snows are attending a party thrown by the Heavensbees to welcome their third child, Plutarch. This is their third boy, and from what Hilarius has said, their last one as well.

Coriolanus stands with his friends, whom he's known since childhood, drinking and laughing while they recall the week they've all had.

"Well, Caspian is walking now," he says, earning a few pats on the back. "I take it Soarynn was over the moon," Festus Creed muses. Festus was the one who helped Coriolanus in his times of grief, talking it through over a drink. He'll never forget that.

"Of course she was. She screamed so loud that I thought there was a spider." They all laugh and begin discussing when their own children began walking and talking, while Coriolanus looks back over at Soarynn. She's sitting with the other wives, Caspian in her lap, while she talks to Persephone Creed, her very good friend.

"...enroll them in school early." He catches the tail end of the conversation but is already intrigued. Caspain will undoubtedly go to the Academy, the most prestigious private school one can send their child to in the Capitol. It's a steep price to pay for the best education and guaranteed connections among other rich peers.

"Persephone already wants to get Cecil's name on the waiting list," Festus says with a sigh, "apparently, it's very competitive to get a first-year student into the school." Coriolanus had no idea it was this difficult. He obviously doesn't remember the steps his own parents took to enroll him, but surely it couldn't have been this hard.

"Unless you give a generous donation," Coriolanus says, which earns him a few chuckles. Money can buy happiness, and it certainly can buy a spot in the Academy. He knows that for certain.

His money has bought him the best clothes, the best food, the best staff, and the best lifestyle. It bought him the best doctors who were able to keep his son and wife safe during their pregnancy. Anyone who says any different is lying to themselves, simple as that.

Coriolanus feels his gaze involuntarily wandering back over to Soarynn, who still, after all these years of being together, is the most constant thought on his mind. He worries for her day and night.

Some might call him overprotective, but Coriolanus simply wants to ensure that his darling wife has everything she could possibly need. If she doesn’t like the food, he’ll take her to a different restaurant. If she needs new shoes, he’ll buy her ten pairs.

He really doesn’t think of himself as going above and beyond either. This should be the standard when it comes to taking care of a woman. Soarynn is the most beautiful woman in Panem and should be treated as such.

When he sees his friends and their wives, he can’t help but compare them to him and Soarynn’s relationship. He and Soarynn rarely argue or disagree on anything. They have sex at least three times a week, and once a week, he takes her out to a nice dinner.

It’s the little things that ensure a perfect marriage.

And Soarynn is a true testimony to how well he treats her. She’s absolutely glowing right now as she holds Caspian in her lap, beaming down at their son. Caspian lets out a delighted squeal when she presses a kiss to his cheek.

Coriolanus used to see Caspian’s infatuation with Soarynn as ridiculous until he realized that Caspian inherited this slight obsession from him.

Like father like son.

“What’ll you be doing for his birthday?”

That’s a question Coriolanus has been hearing more and more as Caspian’s first birthday has begun to approach. Their friends know about the struggles they went through to start a family, and Caspian’s birth was widely celebrated by the Capitol elite.

“Soarynn has a whole thing planned,” he answers, sipping his champagne. “I’m sure it’ll cost me a small fortune, but she deserves to be excited about this.”

Coriolanus had stupidly suggested a small celebration at home, which was immediately shot down by Soarynn, who was already looking at banquet halls to rent out.

He’s wisely stayed out of her way, simply footing the bill instead.

“The invitations themselves are getting out of hand,” Festus grunts, “and who even looks at the invitations that closely?”

Soarynn does, Coriolanus thinks to himself. She’ll come to his study to show him what they got in the mail, analyzing what card stock was chosen for the invite.

He doesn’t really pay attention to those things, like the font size, the color, the theme. He has Soarynn for that.

“It’s a bridge we’ll cross when we get to it,” he decides, looking back over at Soarynn. “If you’ll excuse me, I ought to go check on my wife and son.”

Coriolanus snags a fresh glass of champagne from an Avox waiter and crosses the large room towards the woman who owns his heart and soul. Caspian has been moved to the carpeted floor where he’s attempting to take small steps under the gaze of every woman at the party.

“Isn’t he just so clever?” Soarynn gushes, holding out her hands. She looks exquisite today. Wearing a beautiful baby blue dress that shows off her collar bones, slender shoulders, and glowing skin. Soarynn had her hair fashioned in a stylish updo with a few face-framing pieces.

Coriolanus rests a hand on her shoulder, always needing some physical contact between them. Soarynn looks up at him with adoring eyes. “Look how good he’s doing, Coryo.”

He watches his son toddle around, doing his best to dodge the other children who are beginning to walk as well. “He’s doing remarkably well,” Coriolanus agrees. Caspian has been taking more and more steps since his first ones.

Baby steps, but still steps.

He knows that once he starts, he won’t stop, and then they’ll be in for it.

“Do you two have any plans for your anniversary?” Persephone asks the couple, her green eyes sparkling while her son tugs on her dress for attention.

Soarynn sighs, tired from days of planning and spending his money. “I honestly haven’t even thought about our anniversary,” she admits, taking the glass he offers her.

“It’s still a while away,” Coriolanus assures her. He could always plan it, but Soarynn prefers to have complete control over their itinerary.

“Momma!”

Caspian stumbles towards Soarynn, who reaches out to scoop him up, gasping excitedly. “Look at you! Walking like a big boy!”

Caspian is dressed exceptionally sharp for an eleven-month-old. Soarynn dressed him in a tiny suit and slicked back his baby curls. He’s even wearing little leather shoes like Coriolanus does.

“He looks just like his Father,” Persephone says. “In a good way, I hope,” Coriolanus banters, rubbing his hand up and down Soarynn’s arm.

Both women chuckle and share knowing looks. Soarynn and Persephone have been friends since they were five years old. They’re thick as thieves, and Coriolanus often wonders if it’s a coincidence that they happened to marry best friends as well.

“In a good way, darling,” Soarynn answers, smiling at him, “you are terribly attractive, you know.”

Now he’s blushing.

Soarynn is often praised for her beauty, but Coriolanus isn’t doing too shabby either when it comes to looks.

He’s tall, strong, always smells good, and has bright blue eyes that Soarynn has trouble looking away from. It must help that Caspian has his eyes.

“Just making sure,” he grunts. Caspian wiggles to be put back down, but doesn’t kick, which pleases Coriolanus. Some of these other children clearly haven’t been corrected the way they should be.

Soarynn might protest his parenting methods from time to time, but he’ll be damned if he has a son running around like a little hellion.

Coriolanus lets her take on the brunt of parenting, only stepping in when he deems necessary. All little boys need a mother’s love, but also a father’s firm hand. That’s how he was raised, and that’s how his son will be raised as well. None of this new generation parenting ever seems to end well.

“Go on, darling,” Soarynn encourages, setting Caspian back down. He toddles over to a little girl who Coriolanus believes is the Canville’s daughter. He can’t imagine what it’ll be like when Caspian starts taking an interest in girls.

“Perhaps we should go on a trip,” he suggests, and Soarynn’s eyes widen in dismay. “But we’d have to leave Caspian,” are the first words tumbling out of her mouth.

Coriolanus chuckles, Soarynn can’t stand to be apart from their son now that he’s here. “Yes, that's the idea, darling. He’ll be perfectly fine for a week.”

“A week?!”

He winces at her shrill tone. “Five days,” he recovers, “we could go to the beach. Like we did for our honeymoon.”

They both have very fond memories of their honeymoon. A blush crawls across Soarynn’s cheeks as she remembers nights and mornings spent tangled beneath the sheets in her husband's embrace.

“I’d have to arrange for a nanny,” she mumbles, now giving the idea some thought. “Caspian would need full-time care. He’s still so small. What if he got sick?”

Oh, the joys of parenthood. Coriolanus often has to remind himself of what they went through to get here, to have a son.

“They have phones,” he reminds Soarynn, “and you need some time to yourself, darling. You could read by the pool or get a massage. Just imagine dinner on the terrace every night.”

He can imagine it clear as day. If only Soarynn were as easy to convince.

“I’ll have to think about it.”

There’s no use in arguing with his wife, he never wins. He presses a kiss to the top of her head to assure her that all will be well, no matter what they decide to celebrate their anniversary.

“We’ll have to take some baby steps of our own, I see.”

Soarynn hums, watching their son gain confidence in himself and his little feet.

“Yes,” she agrees, “baby steps are a good idea.”

| tumblr oneshot/drabble |

| taglist: @lovelylove268 @kickmybark @iswearicanfixhim @wonderlandbound111 @melodyoflovee @thevoicesinmyprettylittlehead @erensrealgf @evilmenarehot @cervvsq @snowgirl12 @matcha-muses @anisangeldust @snowsgames @wakdjenwowj |

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r3dcam3llias · 10 months ago

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Hi hi!!

A couple questions about the mod!

(which I want to preface! this is purely curiosity and there’s no pressure of any one way! the mod itself is such a fun and sweet idea and I’m so so excited for any Step 5 Cove content no matter what + what’s already included sounds amazing!! can’t wait to see it!!)

(1.) is the mod going to be a DLC to be sandwiched in the Our Life files itself or its own files/game like the Patreon DLCs(btw your step three proposal reactions being in the game itself is actually so so cool!! I haven’t added it yet(step four confession truther unfortunately😔, so I actually have never fully done a full step three proposal before reloading) but it is👀 tempting) (2.) will multiples be an option in the DLC? I totally understand if not(I can’t imagine trying to make branching routes from singletons to say like? octuplets), however I’ve always been partial to giving Cove and my MC twins so I was curious, again though! either way is no big deal and I’ll be just as excited whether or not it is an option!

(3)(birth tw?) In the pregnancy route specifically I don’t know how involved the birth is(or where exactly it is in the plot as well; e.g. middle or end) but I was wondering if there would options for different general “types”(if that’s what it’s called?) of births (e.g. vaginal or cesarean) (also if the birth is included and cesarean is an option cove in a PPE gown as an exclusive outfit lol).

(1/2)

Hi! Wow, so many questions, I’m excited!! :D I’m in the middle of working on the script right now, so let’s get into it! 1.) Yes and no! The internal workings of the whole thing are a little complicated, but I’ll try to explain it as best I can. In order to have the mod actually work, it needs to be able to be “called” to play using the original files. Because, in the original game, when you finish a step it either sends you to a DLC (regardless if you have the DLC or not, this code is still in the base game) or ends the game. There’s no parameter to “tell” it to play the modded files. So, to make the mod work, I had to go into the “ending” files of each of these steps and write some code to call my modded sections to play! So that means when someone downloads the mod, whatever ending scripts I had to edit will have to be overwritten. Aside from that, everything else can function completely like the patreon DLCs and should be able to just be tossed directly into the game folder without the hassle of overwriting anything (yay!). 2.) I’m considering it… As of right now, the mod will solely focus on the MC and Cove adopting/having a singlet. However, I may consider adding the possibility of getting fraternal/identitical twins if I decide I think it’ll be something I can handle. It might just end up being something added in a future update once the main mod is finished, so don’t lose hope 👀. 3.) Yes, while I absolutely don’t plan on making it an overly detailed or graphic experience (it’ll be able to be skipped if you wish), there’ll be a dedicated scene for when you and Cove bring your little one into the world :) And, yeah, I plan on allowing the player some choice in the matter, whether c-section or natural, hospital or potentially at home. Also yes! We will be getting to see Cove in different outfits given what route you decide 🫶

#our life #our life: beginnings & always #mods #type: ask #cove x mc #moment: Step 5

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xo-fever · 2 years ago

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cesarean

(tw- self harm)

they put a curtain up for my c-section

before throwing my guts on their table

i can hear the splatter

the blood on the floor

the wails of a child

cesarean born.

i can’t look.

i tune out the sobbing

trapped in this bed

i feel a hopeful touch

but my sex drive is dead.

i run my nails across my skin

back, shoulders, breasts, and arms

it all comes off blue and gray

i rot but there is no visible decay.

i’ve done so much shit wrong today

i have an itemized list

but at least i was too lazy to slit my wrists.

i want to, but my neck is so stiff that

i can’t look.

i don’t even know if the infant is alive because it doesn’t cry anymore

its skin could be smothered baby boy blue

or fevered baby girl pink

if it dies, then so do i

connected by a shoestring umbilical cord, so easily untied

but i can’t manipulate my fingers

out of their death grip on the particles of stale air

to separate our malformed souls

so i guess i’ll have to wait until the refuse of my ovaries turns gray in its grayer crib

or the string finally decides to unthread on its own.

until then,

i can’t look.

-x.o. fever

#modern poetry #contemporary poetry #shitty poetry #mental illness poetry #depression poetry #vent poetry #poetry #photography #Spotify

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levithestripper · 3 years ago

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the aemma scene in last week's episode was horrible and disturbing but like. it was either try and save the baby or let them both die painful deaths. aemma was going to have a painful death regardless of what caused that pain. it’s impossible to choose between your wife or your child but if you know that one of them has a possibility to live, wouldn't you take it?

#jack likes to talk #this is not saying that viserys was right for doing it regardless of what aemma said #just a thought i had as i processed last weeks episode #house of the dragon #house of the dragon spoilers #viserys targaryen #aemma arryn #aemma targaryen #tw: pregnancy #tw: birth #tw: death #tw: cesarean section

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bonefall · 2 years ago

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I will say that as much as i adore mom!briarlight, it would be all but impossible for her to give birth to kittens on her own without without human intervention. I did a lot of research about paralyzed cats and pregnancy recently, and was only able to find examples where the cats underwent a c-section to deliver the kittens. Without being able to use her hind legs, it seems like it would be very difficult for her to give birth

I went and checked myself and I need more data, I found a decent but brief paper on it which uses one cat as a case study, but it doesn't specify at which vertebrae the spinal chord was severed which is SUPER important to compare with the human data I have

The paper: Özdemir Salci ES, Güner B, İpek V: Dystocia caused by spinal paraplegia in a cat with superfetation. Kafkas Univ Vet Fak Derg, 26 (6): 839-840, 2020. DOI: 10.9775/kvfd.2020.24689 (WARNING: CONTAINS PHOTOGRAPHS OF EXTRACTED FETUSES AND ORGANS. MEDICAL PAPER.)

If you can get me your sources I can give us both better data-- but the paper itself says that the reason the 4-year-old cat had issues giving birth was related to the nervous system itself plus loss of control over abdominal muscles, not necessarily leg positioning, which sounds a lot like an injury higher up in the spinal chord which makes me curious

(Injuries around T-10, the second-to-last of your thoracic vertebrae, is generally where humans lose sensation of childbirth. Aside from needing to be monitored for blood pressure issues it is possible for a person of nearly any spinal chord injury to give birth naturally)

(Also an article on pregnancy and delivery with a spinal chord injury for humans. Obvious TW for birth here. Also unfortunately the language is not very inclusive)

Though that said, I wonder how much of this would change even with just the one paper I have + sapient cats. Medicine for them is entirely cat-based and they make do with what they have, as opposed to humans where obviously the safest and easiest option is a cesarean.

Additionally, and I guess most importantly, it wouldn't be the first time I completely ignored cat anatomy because it was incompatible with human disability representation needs.

For example I exclusively reference Human Diabetes, NOT Feline Diabetes. This is because feline diabetes does progress from Type 1 to Type 2, and both types are treated with insulin injections. I was personally asked by a disability advocacy blog to not portray it Cat-Accurately, because Diabetic type progression does not happen in humans AND is a common misconception.

Plus several folks in my audience have basically asked me to make a version of metformin (oral supplement) to better represent their Type 2, which wouldn't happen if I was only referencing feline diabetes. (I caved guys it's going to be derived from Goat's Rue <3)

In the end we are humans, and I do extra fun fixes to Clan Culture based on cat accuracy (like making the kitties obligate carnivores and crepuscular!), but I am ultimately writing this for me and all the other queer disabled goofballs in the audience.

(and give advice based on that, in this situation, since they came and asked me personally y'know?)

#disability #Bones gives advice

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atlafan · 5 years ago

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My Everything - Part Seventeen

A Take it Slow Sequel

What happens with Harry and Y/N after he proposes? How will the two navigate the engaged life while also continuing to juggle their jobs, friends, and families? Let’s find out.

Warnings: fluff and angst. TW: mentions of past abuse!

Words: 6.7K

a/n: This part is a little more serious, with some fun things sprinkled in between.

Masterpost

Many things were the same with this pregnancy as they were with Jack. Harry took a picture of you every week to watch your tummy grow, and he also insisted on doing a maternity shoot. You thought it could be even more fun to have Jack involved too. Harry had set up a nice space in your bedroom. You had a robe on and did your hair and makeup nicely. Jack was coloring on the floor sitting next to Buster.

“Ready babe? Drop the robe.” Harry smiles as he finishes getting his setting on the camera just right.

You take a deep breath and let your robe fall. Harry’s eyes grow wide and he clears his throat as he blushes. If Jack wasn’t in the room he probably would have fucked you before taking the pictures.

“How were you able to shave?”

“I didn’t…um…remember when I was with the girls the other day?”

“Yeah.”

“Well…Rachel bought a home wax kit and she waxed me.”

“The three of you…are a little too close.” Harry chuckles.

“Well at least it looks pretty now!”

“It always looks pretty, hairy or not.”

Harry positions you how he looks, getting a nice side profile. He always took really tasteful photos of you. Jack wasn’t paying much attention until Harry took out some paint. You put on a nude bra and underwear set.

“Jack, wanna come be in the pictures with Mummy?”

“Yeah!” He gets up and gives you a hug.

“Alright, I want you to stick your hands in the paint, and press them gently on Mummy’s tummy, yeah?”

“Okay!”

Jack was really excited, he loved paint, and he loved when you and Harry allowed him to be a little messy. Harry lifts him up and helps him press his hands on your stomach, around your belly button. You hold onto Jack so Harry can snap some photos. The hand prints looked really cool, and Harry was able to get a candid shot of you and Jack giggling.

“Were you able to find that crop top for the family photo? I’ll get this on a timer so I can do the paint too.”

“Mhm, let me go put it on.”

You come back out in a black short sleeve crop top and black joggers. Harry dips his hand on the paint and presses them to the sides of where Jack’s hand prints were.

“There, see Jack, it took all of our love to make this baby.”

Jack beams up at his father. Harry scoops him up and they position themselves to take some family photos. You put your hands in the paint and press one hand on Jack’s stomach, and one Harry’s back, making for a very cool shot. Harry had too many tattoos on his stomach for the hand print to be prominent. You get a shot with Buster too, and you all smile as they look them over.

“Pretty, Mumma.” Jack says.

“You think so? I’d say we’re a pretty good looking family.” You look at Harry lovingly. “Thank you so much for convincing me to do this again, it’s so special.”

“Of course, honey.” He kisses your cheek. “You just look so good, it would be a crime not to document it.”

Time was going by way too fast. You were due soon, and you were freaking out because it was only the middle of April. Someone would have to take over your classes for the rest of the semester. You were hoping to hold on for a couple more weeks, but Jessica Rose had other plans for you. You were in the middle of one of your lectures when you felt something.

“Oh my god.” You gasp, and squat. The whole class gasps. Your water had broken and it was seeping down your pant legs. “I’m fine, everyone!”

“Did your water just break?!” One of them shouts.

“Yes.” You breathe and reach for your cell phone. “I need, shit, to call my husband.” You press your phone to your ear. “Class dismissed, uh, Kelly, can you let the admin know what’s going on?”

“Sure thing!”

A few students hang back to make sure you’re okay.

“Harry?!”

“Hi! Aren’t yeh teachin’? Do yeh miss me?” He chuckles.

“My water just broke in front of my class.”

“What?!”

“Can you get over here? My go bag is in my trunk already, so you just need to, fucking hell, get here.”

“I’m gonna take a cab, I’ll be there in ten minutes. I’ll snatch Jack from day care, just get to your car.”

“Okay.”

A couple of your students help you outside to your car. Before you know it you see Harry running towards you with Jack in his arms. He grabs you by the back of your neck to kiss you.

“Okay, uh, I’ll get him strapped in, get in the car, babe.” He says excitedly.

Harry speeds to the hospital. Jack got a little frightened once you were inside and getting wheeled away. Harry called your mom and had her come pick him up.

“Where’s Mumma!?” He sobs.

“She’s…gone to pick up baby Jessica, Jack. And Daddy needs to go help her. But you’re really lucky, you get to spend time with Mimi. I need yeh to be a big boy f’me, can yeh do that?”

“I’ll try.” He sniffles.

Harry gives him a kiss and a hug before handing him off to your mom. He sprints down to your hospital room where you were chewing on ice chips.

“Is he alright?”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. You know how he is when he first leaves us. I think he was just scared from all the commotion. I’m sure your mum will calm him down.” Harry takes your hand and kisses it. “How are you feelin’ this time around?”

“Remember when I told you what it was like when I got my nipples pierced? The first one didn’t hurt because of the adrenaline, but the second one hurt because I knew what to expect?”

“Yeah.”

“Welp.” You burst into tears. “I suddenly remembered what it was like to push a giant head out of my vagina, and I’m probably gonna tear open again, and…” You look up at him. “Tell me again, why I wanted to do this?”

“Because you wanted to have another baby around.” He smooths some hair away from your forehead. “And we really like makin’ babies.”

“We do, we really do.”

“It’s gonna be alright, love. I’ve got way more time off from work this go around, and you have the entire summer.”

“What if Jack doesn’t like her? He used to getting all of the attention. He’s only going to be three next month, he won’t understand.”

“Well, he took a liking to those dolls we gave him. Remember how good and gentle he was with the baby? I think he’s excited. He may not like it all the time, but like everything else he’ll get used to it.”

“I can’t wait for them to drug me up soon. I read that sometimes the second kid can come a lot faster.”

“Let’s hope.” He leans in and kisses your forehead.

Thirty-six hours in labor. You had no idea what was going on. Your water had broken, what was the hold up? You were uncomfortable and in pain and you just wanted this baby out.

Dr. Johnson comes in to check on you.

“So…I’d like to talk to you both about a cesarean.”

“You want to cut me open?!” You look at Harry, frightened.

“It’s much less invasive than it used to be, and you’d be in really good hands.”

“I don’t want to have a giant scar across my stomach!”

“You won’t, like I said, it’s not like how it used to be. The recovery time takes a little longer, but your vagina won’t tare open.” She tries to make a joke, but right now you weren’t sure what to say. “It’s up to you, but you’ve been in this hospital for two days.”

“Would I still be able to go in with her?”

“Oh sure! We’ll numb her up, you won’t even feel a thing.”

“What do you wanna do, Y/N?”

“I think I’m ready to meet our daughter.”

“Great, we’ll get everything prepped.”

They let you hold Jessica skin to skin, but Harry wasn’t able to until you were back in the actual hospital room. You felt disgusting. They had to give you a bed pan. You never thought you’d miss the mesh underwear so much. You found yourself crying every few minutes from the pain that was creeping into your body, but Harry would call a nurse and she’d give you some medicine.

You breast fed Jessica just as you did Jack. She was gorgeous. Harry couldn’t stop crying either.

“I just love her so much.” He sobbed as he held her close to him.

Eventually you felt strong enough to use the bathroom, and a nurse helped you through it. After another night of rest you told your mom she could bring Jack in to see you.

“Mumma!” He exclaims as he comes into the room. “Missed you!”

“I missed you too.” You say, tiredly.

“What about me?” Harry pouts at him.

“Missed you too, Daddy.”

Harry scoops him up.

“Come on, we gotta wash your hands. How was he, Lynn?”

“Very good, we had a nice few days together.” She comes over and kisses you on the forehead. “A c-section, huh? Had four of them myself, you know?”

“It’s much different now. I need to stay here a couple extra days, but at least it doesn’t burn when I pee.” You laugh.

“Where’s little Jessica?”

“Down at the nursery. A nurse is going to bring her in soon. We were exhausted.”

A nurse comes in shortly and you take your daughter from her.

“Harry, put Jack on the bed with me.” He does as you say. Jack’s eyes grew wide as he looked at the baby in your arms. “Now, Jack, this is much different than your baby doll. You need to be even more gentle, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Meet your baby sister, Jessica Rose.”

You tilt her towards Jack so he can see her face. He gives a gentle stroke on her cheek.

“Baby.” He whispers.

“God, look at them.” Harry blubbers while he takes his phone out. He takes a picture of the three of you.

“Here, let me get one of the four of you.” Your mom says.

Harry picks up Jack and sits on the bed with you. The four of you snuggle up close. It’s a great picture.

“Once you feel up to it, we can get a real portrait done.” He tells you. “What do you think, Jack? Ready to be a big brother?”

“Yeah, she smells good.”

You laugh as you hand Jessica over to your mom.

“That’s that new baby smell, buddy.” Harry says to him.

You had to spend a couple days extra in the hospital to make sure you were healed up properly. Harry was a saint. You were too weak to do much other than feed Jessica when you got back home. You didn’t breast feed much. You just pumped and put everything into the fridge. It allowed harry to feed Jessica much easier.

Jack soon discovered he didn’t like the sound of the baby crying. He also didn’t like how much attention the baby got over him, especially from you.

“Put baby down, Mumma.” He would whine.

“I can’t right now, honey, I’m giving her a bath.” You were bathing her in the sink.

“Jack, I think Jessica has the right idea. Let’s go give you a tubby.” Harry says.

“No, I want Mumma.”

“You can’t fit in the sink anymore, Jack.” You giggle. “You’re gonna be three years old very soon.” You pick Jessica up and boop her nose. You wrap her in a towel and hold her close. “I’ll put her down and then we can give him a tubby together.”

“You heard her.” Harry says to his son. “I’ll get the water started.”

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you lull her to sleep? I think Jack needs some alone time with me.”

“Alright.” He kisses your cheek and goes into the baby’s room.

“Okay, baby boy, let’s get you clean.”

You and Jack play with his water toys, and then you scrub his head. Just like Harry, he loved the way your nails felt while you washed his hair.

“Daddy and I have a big surprise for your birthday.”

“Really?”

“Mhm, it’s coming in a couple of weeks.”

“What is it?”

“Can’t say.” You smirk.

“No fair.” He pouts.

“Just know, it’s going to make summers even more fun.”

You wrap him in a towel and lift him out. You get Jack in jammies and get him tucked into bed. You read him one of his favorite stories until he falls asleep. You kiss his forehead before leaving his room. You let out a tired sigh after you close his door.

You go down the stairs to see Harry making dinner. Just a simple salad. He hands you a bowl.

“Thanks, honey.” You yawn.

“Sorry he’s been so clingy lately. I try to keep him busy most of the day. Buster helps tire him out, but it’s like the second he sees you…”

“He wants his, Mumma, I get it. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like spending so much time with you though.”

“I know.” He sighs. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better. The extra rest you gave me was much appreciated.”

“Well, you needed it.” He sets his bowl down and wraps his arms around you. You rest your head on his shoulder.

“I’m tired.” You groan.

“Wanna turn in early?”

“It’s only seven.”

“So? I’m happy to go crawl into bed if you are.” He chuckles.

“Alright, yeah. Oh! We could watch something on TV and just relax.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“A pool!” Jack squeals when you let him outside.

You and Harry had saved up for over a year to get an above ground pool built in the back yard. You wanted to give Jack a pool party for his third birthday.

“We’re gonna have a big party here next weekend just for you, honey.”

“Just for me?!”

“That’s right.”

“Thank you, Mumma.” He hugs your legs.

“Go thank Daddy too.”

Jack runs over to Harry who was finishing getting the pool filled. He hugs his legs too.

“When can we go in?” Harry scoops Jack up so he can see into the water.

“Not for another few days. Gotta test it and make sure it’s safe.” Harry comes over to you. You were feeding Jessica. “I picked up a heating pad too, you can lay it across the water to make the water warm, just in case it’s too cold.”

“Good thinking, babe.” You hold your daughter up and pat her back to help her burp. “Jack, would you like Daddy to take you to the store so you can pick out some pool toys and floaties?”

“Yeah! Can we, Daddy?”

“Of course. We can head out soon. We can pick out something Mumma would like too.” He winks at you.

You needed a nap. You were exhausted. Even though Harry was more than willing and able to do the night feedings, you found yourself beating him to it. You bring Jessica up to her room and get her settled into her crib. You crawl onto your bed and close your eyes. Your body was still doing a lot of healing. You had started going for walks on the treadmill in the basement. You wouldn’t be able to go for neighborhood walks with Sarah until June when her school year ended. You’d be back in shape in no time.

You woke up about twenty minutes later to the sound of your phone going off. You wondered if Harry had a question about the pool toys. When you see Dr. Mara’s name pop up, you’re slightly confused. She still prescribed you your medication, but you hadn’t had an actual visit with her in quite some time.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Y/N, it’s Dr. Mara.”

“Hi, yeah, um, is everything okay?”

“Yes, well, there’s an article I saw online today…I think you should see it, but I wanted to call first before just texting it to you.”

“What does it entail?”

“Jake…” Your eyes grow wide. It was a name you hadn’t even thought about in years. “He’s been arrested recently. I know you never came forward with anything, but sometimes…well, sometimes when more people step forward on these things, it helps. Everything is up to you, of course. I’m going to send you the article. Do with the information what you will.”

“Okay, um, thank you for letting me know.”

You hang up and she sends you the article. He had been arrested on domestic violence charges. Apparently he had been divorced, and he had attacked his ex-wife. She was pressing charges, but the article didn’t get into it.

“Oh my god.” You feel tears prick at the back of your eyes. You lose all control and start sobbing.

Jack couldn’t wait to show you the things him and Harry got at the store. He races upstairs to your bedroom.

“Jack, mummy could be sleeping, hold on.” Harry whispers and picks him up. He opens the door to your room quietly. You were sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking, eyes red and puffy. “Y/N?”

“Mumma! We got so many toys.”

“That’s, that’s great, honey.” Your voice was hoarse and just as shaky as your body.

“Um, Jack, could you go color in your room for a bit?”

“But you said we could show Mumma.” He pouts.

“We will, I just need to talk with mummy alone quick.”

He sets Jack down. He grumbles as he leaves the room. Harry sits down next to you. You flinch when he tries to put his hand on you. You hand him your phone to show him the article. He gasps when he reads it.

“How did you even come across this?”

“Dr. Mara called me.” You say quietly. “She said…if I were to come forward…it could help this woman’s case. Get him locked up.” You sigh. “It’s weird, it’s like, I almost forgot I had been through anything.” You start crying again. “If I had just pressed charges back then this poor woman he married wouldn’t be dealing with this.”

“Y/N.” Harry gently places his hand on your back. “It’s okay.”

“I still have everything. I don’t know if the DNA would even still be on there, but I kept everything in a box just in case. I could go to the police station and give my story. I have to help.”

“You’re sure this is something you want to go through? You may end up needing to testify.”

“I made a mistake by not doing this before.” You put your hand on his knee. “We have children now. If something like this ever happened to either of them…I’d, I’d lose my goddamn mind! I can go to the police station this week. I know it’s cutting it close to Jack’s party, but I should do this sooner rather than later.”

“Do you want me to go with you? We could get a babysitter.”

“No, I should go by myself. You stay home with the kids.”

“I’m so sorry this is all being brought back up. Are you gonna be okay?”

“I don’t think I will be until I know that monster is properly put away.”

The next morning you rummaged in the basement for the box you had kept the bags of the sheets and dress in. You sighed when you found it. You weren’t sure what it would do, but you were thankful you kept it. Harry kisses you goodbye before you go. You wanted to leave before Jack woke up.

You drive out to the police department that had arrested Jake. You take a deep breath before walking in. You walk up to a woman sitting at a desk. There were a ton of people walking around, and loud phones going off. You shake all of the background noise away.

“May I help you?”

“Um, yes, I…need to report…a few years ago…you recently arrested Jake Robinson, and he raped me a few years ago.” That was the first time you ever actually said something like that out loud.

“Oh my.” The woman says. “You’re not the first person to come in about this. One moment.” She makes a call and a few minutes later a detective come out.

“Hi, I’m Detective Ruiz.” She says to you. “Would you like to come have a chat with me? I’m working the Robinson case.”

You nod and follow her back to her desk.

“These are, um, the sheets…and what I was wearing when it happened.” You place the bags on her desk. “It happened back in 2018, so I don’t know if they’ll be helpful.”

“They definitely will be. We can send everything off to the lab. They’ll be able to tell us what’s on it.”

“The woman up front said I wasn’t the only one to come in…”

“You’re not. We arrested him last week, and three other women came forward.”

“How’s his ex-wife doing?”

“She’s making it through.” She takes a note pad out. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“Of course. We had been on about four dates. He seemed like a really nice guy. We hadn’t been too intimate, mostly just kissing. On our fourth date, I invited him up to my place. We ended up on my bed. I thought we would just get into, um, some heavy petting, but before I knew it my head was being shoved into my pillows and he was just…well, you know. I didn’t feel safe enough to say no. I thought he might do something even more forceful. I certainly didn’t consent to sex. When he left I passed out from the blood on my sheets and the blood between my legs. My best friend, Niall Horan, came and helped me afterwards.”

“Did you happen to take any pictures?”

“No…the only time I used my phone…oh, wait, um…I do have a picture of Jake and I from our date that night. We had gone for a walk and taken a selfie.” You go onto your Instagram and scroll back really far. You weren’t sure why you kept this picture, but right now you were glad you did. “See.” You show her.

“Are you able to send that to me? He may claim he’s never met you before.”

“Of course. I feel terrible. I should have come forward when it happened.”

“All of the other women said the same thing, don’t worry. The others happened before you. It can be hard to talk about these things. Coming to us doesn’t exactly help make it all go away.”

“I just want to do everything I can to help now. I have a soon to be three year old, and an infant to think about.” You think for a moment. “I went to therapy for years. I know there’s doctor patient confidentiality, but I’ll sign whatever waiver that’s needed if you need more information to support the case.”

“Thank you, we really appreciate that. May I ask who you saw?”

“Dr. Pricilla Mara.”

She nods and writes the information down.

“Alright Mrs…?”

“Um, my husband’s last name is Styles, but legally I go by Y/F/N Y/L/N…I’m a PhD as well, that’s why I kept my name.”

“Kept my own name too.” She smirks. “No need to explain that. So, the lab process will take some time. We’ll be in touch, though.”

“Alright.”

“Thank you for coming in. You’re definitely making a big difference.”

When you get home you find Harry on the couch with Jessica in the crook of his arm, and Jack nuzzled up close in his other side. He was reading one of his books to them. You giggle slightly and take your phone out to take a picture.

“Mumma!” Jack exclaims and gets up to run over to you. “Where were you?” He pouts.

“I had to run an errand, my doll.” You pick him up and kiss his cheek. “But I’m home now. Can I sit there, Daddy?”

“Sure thing, Mummy.” You sit down and Harry throws his arm around you. He kisses your temple. “Jack really liked the story in this book. I pretended it was about a prince and a princess.”

“Ah, well, let’s keep reading then.”

It was a nice family day. You pushed Jack on the swing outside while Harry took Jessica for a walk in the stroller with Buster. Then he grilled up some food for dinner. Once both kids were down, you told Harry about what happened at the police station.

“So, they’ll call you if they need more from you?”

“Yup.”

“You’re being really brave, I hope you know that.”

“Thanks. You had a nice morning with them?”

“It was great. Jack crawled into bed with me and we had a nice snuggle before I had to get Jessica. She was so good for me too. I made Jack pancakes for breakfast after I fed her. We had a nice chat. He misses his friends at day care, but he said he’s excited that we’ll both be home for a bit.”

“Aw, he’s so sweet. We had fun in the backyard earlier. I like that you’ll be home with me a little longer than last time.”

“Me too. Mum and Gem are excited to fly in for the party.”

“They come Friday, right?”

“Mhm.”

“I can’t wait for them to meet Jessica.” You wrap your arms around his neck, and his hands rest on your waist. “We have a nice life.”

“Wouldn’t trade it for anything else.” He kisses you gently.

“Okay, I’m letting go before you think this is an invitation.” You chuckle.

“What?!” He laughs. “I wasn’t even making a move!”

“I could feel your hands sliding down to my butt, I can read you like a book, Harry. I know your moves.”

“Well, as much as I’d love to get my hands all over you, I know we can’t yet.” He rolls his eyes. “Even though my little friend stayed intact this time.” He wraps his arms back around you and pulls you close.

“Yeah, well, my stomach is still healing up.”

“I’m well aware, angel.” He kisses you again. “Doesn’t mean I can’t kiss you does it?” He mumbles against your lips.

“I suppose that’s okay.”

He leads you over to the couch, and lays you down. He hovers over you and sucks your bottom lip into his mouth. You can’t remember the last time you simply just made out with your husband. After the morning you had this was everything you could have needed. He knew that. He always knew what to do.

He deepens the kiss by licking into your mouth, and you have absolutely no problem with it. Your tongue finds his and you just feel like you’re getting lost in each other like you used to. You’re taken out of your intoxicated state when you hear Jessica cry through the baby monitor. Harry sighs into your neck. He slowly lifts off of you.

“I’ll go check her, why don’t you go take a bath or something. You’ve had a long day.”

“Thanks, yeah, maybe I will.”

You both go upstairs. Harry changes Jessica and rocks her back to sleep. He checks on Jack quick to make sure the baby didn’t wake him. He was sound asleep. Harry goes into the bedroom and sees the bathroom door open a crack, you were just getting into the tub. He opens the door and leans against the frame.

“I’d ask you to join, but I’m still a little self-conscious.” You blush.

“S’alright, can I sit against the tub just to be near you?”

“Of course.”

Harry sits down on the cold tile. You drape your hand over his head and mindlessly play with his hair. Times like these you almost forgot you were a parent. When you’d be able to just sit and talk with Harry about things. He’d be home with you through the end of May and for the month of June. You decided that since Anne and Gemma were coming here, that it would be a good idea to not go to England this summer, and to just make your trip longer in January.

“Are you sure you’re okay with not being able to see your friends?”

“You know that’s not the only reason why we go there right?” He turns slightly to look at you. “I love seeing Louis and all, but we go there to see other family. I go there to get some other work done. Besides, since we’re not going we’re making more money off the flat.” He shrugs. “And traveling with Jack and Jessica right now doesn’t sound all that appealing. It would be a lot. You’re still healing too.”

“I’m just saying, if you wanted to go…”

“You’re crazy if you think I’d use the time off from work that I’m supposed to be here helping to dart off to London.” He takes your hand and kisses it. “I’d never do that.”

“I’m really happy you’re taking so much time off. I appreciate it a lot.”

“And then when I go back I’m only doing half days until you go back to work.”

“Jessica won’t be able to go to daycare until she’s six months, so she’ll need to be with you.”

“That should work fine. Can you believe that Jack only has one more year of daycare until he’s at preschool? Time’s flying.”

“I know.” You sigh. “We should probably start looking at places we want to send him. Sometimes you almost have to book your spot a year in advance.”

“I wish the university had a preschool, we’ve been spoiled.”

“I’m gonna start asking around to see where other people have sent their kids. I don’t want pick up and drop off to be annoying.”

“Well, shouldn’t we look around this area? It would be better for him to meet more of the Milton kids that he’d actually end up going to school with.”

“Good point. I’ll talk to Sarah, she probably knows what preschools are good.” You look at your hands and see they’re getting pruney. “Could you hand me my towel? Think it’s time I get out.”

Harry stands up and hands you your towel. You stand and quickly cover yourself with it.

“You know, a few scars don’t scare me.”

You give him annoyed look as you step out of the tub.

“It’s not about you though. It’s about how I barely recognize my body half the time when I look into the mirror. It was easier this time around since I knew what to expect…but…still.”

You throw on a bed shirt and some shorts, hang up your towel, and crawl into bed. Harry gets in only wearing his boxers.

“I have liked just pumping instead of breastfeeding. I’m way less sore since I don’t have a little mouth nibbling on me.”

“Do you miss the bonding at all?”

“Nah, I mean, I still rub my nipple on her face to help with the acne like I did with Jack.” You giggle and roll on your side to face him. He faces you and puts his hand on your back to rub it up and down.

“I know it’s not about what I think, but you have to know I think you look incredible.”

“You also thought the same when I was as big as a house nine months pregnant.”

“I did! You were glowing, babe. You still are.” He leans in to kiss you, and gently slots a leg between yours to get comfortable.

“I haven’t been cleared by the doctor yet. It hasn’t quite been six weeks.”

“I’m not doing anything, just getting cozy. Just wanna snuggle you.” He pulls you in closer to his chest. “You have an appointment next week, right?”

“Mhm, on Wednesday. And then I’ll probably go back a month or so later for the IUD. I’m just not ready for another invasive procedure just yet.”

“We can just use condoms if you don’t feel like having it put back in.”

“But you hate using them…”

“I know, but if it makes it easier for you, I don’t mind.”

“I love you.” You snuggle into his chest and sigh.

“I love you too.”

The day of Jack’s party, you pulled out all the stops. It was dinosaur themed because he was very into dinosaurs right now. You put up decorations all throughout the house and in the back yard. The pool was ready to use as well. Harry made everyone a nice big breakfast, and once it was done you both creeped into Jack’s room to wake him up. You both sit on the edge of the bed while Gemma takes her phone out to film everything. You all had gone out the night before to eat, it was nice for Jack to be so excited about his Grammy and Auntie.

“Wake up, baby.” You coo as you stroke his cheek.

“Hm.” He mumbles.

“It’s your birthday, darling.” Harry says.

Jack shoots up in his bed and look at the two of you with a big smile on his face.

“I’m three?!”

“You’re three!” You both say at the same time and tackle him with hugs and kisses. His giggles fill the room and it makes you both so incredibly happy.

“Come on, I got you a new bathing suit.” You tell him and show him the new trunks that had dinosaurs on them.

“Oh, wow!” He gazes at them.

“Gotta go potty first though, son.” Harry picks him up and brings him to the hall bath.

You go into Jessica’s room where Anne was sitting with her in the big comfy chair.

“She’s absolutely precious.”

“She really is.”

“Harry made a nice breakfast, mum, let’s head downstairs.” Gemma says. “He’s just getting Jack washed up for the day.”

You all enjoy the breakfast Harry made. There was fresh fruit, pancakes, vegan bacon, and muffins. Something for everyone.

“When’s my party, Mumma?”

“In a few hours. Mimi and Grandpa are coming, and so are your other aunties and uncles. Some friends are coming too.” You smile as his face lights up. You had invited his best friend, Ryan, and his mother Lisa. “And your cousins of course. Michael and Melissa are very excited to see you.”

“Melissa’s party was fun.”

“You remember it, baby?” Anne asks.

“Mhm, we painted.” He points to the paper with splattered paint on the fridge. “It’s Buster.”

“So it is!” She beams. “It’s nice he has a cousin so close in age.”

“I know, they’ll be great friends I think. And Michael loves being the older cousin. I can’t believe my little man is six! He’s going to into the first grade in the fall.” You shake your head.

“He’ll be over here babysitting before we know it.” Harry chuckles.

“God, don’t even say that. You know my brother lets him text me sometimes. He sends me these funny videos of him dancing or just saying hi.”

“Clearly you’re his favorite.” Gemma says. “So, Jack, how do you like being a big brother so far?”

“It’s okay.” He shrugs.

“He think she’s loud and boring.” Harry says.

“Daddy!” He whines.

“Sorry, was that supposed to stay between the two of us?” He laughs.

“You think she’s boring?” You can’t help but laugh too. You look down at the baby in your arms. “Well, I suppose she is, isn’t she?”

“She just sleeps. She can’t even play.” Jack says.

“But she’ll be able to when she gets a little older. And then you can show her how to play nice with all your toys.” You explain. “Won’t that be nice?”

“How come you had a girl and not a boy, Mumma?”

You and Harry look at each other, then to Anne and Gemma who were cracking up, and then back to Jack.

“Well, buddy, Mummy’s and Daddy’s don’t get to decide.” Harry says.

“Why not?”

“It’s just how it works.” You say. “Are you sad you don’t have a little brother?”

“No, I like having a sister.” He gets up out of his seat and crawls up on you and into your lap. “She’s pretty, just boring.” He gives his sister a kiss on the nose and everyone at the table awes.

Your yard was full of people. Plenty of adults keeping their eyes on the kids in the pool. Jack was having a wonderful birthday. It was the first time your extended family got to meet Jessica as well. You were happy to pass her around. Anne and Gemma were big helps in keeping the food outside stocked up.

Harry tells you to sit down with Jack at the table as he comes out with the large cake. Jack blows out the candles when everyone is done singing. It was very cute. Harry cuts the cake for everyone, while you help Jack open up his various presents.

“What do we say?” You say to your son.

“Thank you everyone!”

Jack gets up and gives hugs to his family.

“I can’t believe how big he is.” Rachel says to you as she digs into her cake.

“I know! Too big if you ask me. Wouldn’t mind if he stayed like this.”

“Oh, but it’s fun to watch them grow.” Sarah says. “I love when my students come back to visit me.”

“Mumma, come swim!” Jack says to you.

“I can’t yet, honey. Why don’t you find Uncle Niall, he’ll swim with you.”

“He’s with Daddy.” He points over to Harry and Niall who were deep in conversation.

“Alright.” You squint over at the pool and see Kyle swimming with Michael. “Uncle Kyle’s in the pool with Cousin Michael, you can go in with them.”

“Okay!” He runs off.

“No jumping!” You shake your head.

“I’m glad you guys got one of your own, but you’re still welcome to come over once my school year is over.”

“Thanks, I’m sure we’ll take you up on that. He loves when Harry jumps off the diving board with him.”

“How have you been feeling?” Rachel asks. “Does it take longer to recover after a c-section.”

“Yes and no. I was in the hospital longer. I mean, it’s a major surgery. My scars are healing up nicely though. It’s just been six weeks, I have an appointment with Dr. Johnson on Wednesday. I’m hoping she’ll be able to clear me. I’m in some major need of loving with my husband.”

“I bet.” Sarah giggles. “Niall said he’ staying home the entire month of June with you?”

“Yeah, he said he wanted to be home to help more. He’s the best. He’s going to do half days after that, and then when school starts he’ll take Jessica to work with him until she can go to daycare.”

“You’re going right back in the fall?” Rachel asks.

“Yup, it’s fine though.” You shrug. “I was sort of spoiled last time. I’ve got the hang of things now.”

“Auntie Y/N.” Michael says coming up to you. “Are there any more juice boxes. There’s none in the cooler.”

“Oh! Sure, give me one second I’ll bring some out, my love.”

“Thank you.”

“Excuse me.” You say to the girls and go inside. Your phone had been sitting on the kitchen counter charging. You check and see that Detective Ruiz had called. “Shit.” You swipe your phone to call her back. “Hi Detective, I’m sorry I missed your call…my son’s having a birthday party.”

“No problem. I just wanted to let you know we got the lab results back.”

“Already?”

“We expedited things. His DNA was on there.” You take a deep breath as she continues to speak. “Thank you for bringing that in, it really helps with the case.”

“What are the next steps?”

“We may need you to come in and testify once the case is brought to court.”

“Will I need a lawyer?”

“You’ll want one, yes, just to help you. We’re hoping to get this moving along quickly. The other women have also agreed to testify. We have a strong case against him.”

“So…he would be there…in the courtroom?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“I know that it won’t be an easy thing to do.”

“I said I wanted to help the best that I can, and that’s what I intend to do.”

#harry styles #my everything #harry styles imagine #harry styles series #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles y/n #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #pls dont come for me if the investigation stuff isnt accurate #i only know what i know from shows like svu and csi sooooo #and i know those shows are incredibly inaccturate #hope you like!#pls tag if you reblog

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reblogcentre-2 · 4 years ago

Text

tw for: sh & trans stuff & blood & auto-surgery

So you asked about my experience with auto-surgery. I actually wrote a vent fanfiction so I copy-pasted it & added more notes & stuff. The notes I added after are in ((here)) & the rest of it is my vent fanfic. The fanfic is p much accurate to the experience & any inaccuracies are pointed out ((in the)) notes.

I've dreamt about this before, but I never thought I would actually do it. It's completely an impulse decision. Well maybe not completely. I have the sense to find supplies first. Like a pack of razor blades. ...And scissors, toilet paper, rubbing alcohol, ice packs, a needle and thread, and a glass of water to keep me hydrated. I may be making a stupid decision, but I'll at least do it right.

I sit on the floor of my room, and take off my shirt. While holding an ice pack under my… on my chest ((don’t wanna say boobs)), I tie some fabric around my waist so there’s no bloody mess I have to clean. ((didn't work.)) Damn this ice pack is so cold, it almost hurts. Though, that's a good thing. It means my nerves will be numb.

Right.

I look around at my setup in confusion, I've lost my train of thought, ((adhd)) what am I doing what next- Ah, razor.

A thin piece of metal, flexible, yet strong. It doesn't glint in the artificial light. It's a matte metallic grey. I pick up my little prize, and having sanitized ((sadly not sterilized tho)) it in the alcohol and let it dry, letting down the ice pack. I bring it to the underside of my chest- but I can't see it. Disappointment. I put it down.

I need to get my fat ugly breast out of the way. Then it occurs to me- tape! ((I shoplifted this tape)) I use the tape to pull my chest up and back so I can see underneath it, or as much as I can, considering the size of it.

Now, I take up my razor. I remember reading about this one lady who gave herself a cesarean section with three long slices of a kitchen knife. She was a Mexican butcher. ((k so she had to go to the hospital after to get her intestines re-arranged I think. Also, this is what I would ask you to do, If I’m numb I won’t feel it so you can just boom three long swipes with a nice sharp chef’s knife & boom my boob is gone.))

Taking a deep breath, bracing myself for what's to come, I put the razor to my skin and pull. But I don't pull. I lift. I was too afraid, too cowardly to actually try. ((this is why I want someone else to do it)) Thankful to have lost some sensation from binding, I replace the ice pack and breathe again. Ok. I've got this. This is good. This is ok.

I lift the ice pack again, and this time I test my skin slightly. I… can't feel it. At least, not much. So, with the tape pulling back the offending tissue, I use my right hand to swipe across my left chest. It's barely a scratch. I try it again, this time closing my eyes before opening and doing the cut. It's much faster this time, and slightly deeper. How did she do it in three slices with her kitchen knife?

The blood is warm, and it drips down my chest. I unravel some tissue to dab at the blood. Then I make another cut, following inside the first, deepening it.

Yes.

I can't easily reach all the way across the bottom, so I'll have to settle for my scar being slightly on the inside. ((I can legit send a pic of the scar if you’re comfy with that)) I wipe the blood, then replace the ice pack. I need some more freezing. In a moment, I get back to it with the razor.

I can sometimes feel the pain, but I try to ignore it, or freeze it away. I keep slicing, wiping, and icing my chest. ((ok so only the skin felt painful & if you’re good, you can get thru the skin rly fast with the knife)) All the way until I see something unusual.

That's not skin.

That's… something.

Subdermal fat maybe? ((I had seen this already, but this was written as a vent fanfiction)) I keep going with the razor, another slash or two. Then I take hold of my scissors. ((oh the scissors were shit)) I can pinch my loose-from-binding skin to make a slight fold where I can use the scissors. So I do.

I use the scissors to open up the hole wider, ((idk if I actually did a lot of this or only a little bc scissors were painful af)) and I can see the fat in it. It's lumpy and greasy.

I'm disgusting.

It's a yellowish ((in culinary, the paler the fat the healthier the deer/animal. I think it might have just been discoloured from the blood. Btw there was no blood in the fat bc fat doesn’t have caapillaries)) white, made up of little bubbles, or maybe they just look that way because of the mutilation I'm committing. It's covered in red blood, so it looks more of an orange pink.

My gash is about 10cm long, maybe less. Probably less. ((I can measure if u want)) I use the scissors on the fat under the skin, and surprisingly, I can't feel it. I wipe up the blood, ready to strike again, but when I pick up the scissors I've bled again. I wipe again, pick up the scissors again, and prepare to slice again, again; but like last time there is too much blood. ((ugh I remember this, it was so annoying & my rag was already blood soaked))

I try to wipe it up enough to continue with my surgery, but I keep bleeding. and my ice packs are getting warm. ((I had to ask my brother to get me another ice pack but he brought me one that was only partially frozen))

So…

Shower.

I can do this in the shower.

I'm covered in blood, but the water would wash it away, keep it clean, moist, prevent it from clotting, and the cold water could provide numbing. Yes. I'm a genius. Shifting my pins-and-needles legs, I gather all the supplies I can carry, and peek my head around the corner. Nobody is coming.

Perfect.

I dash through the hallway, and my supplies are dumped on the washroom counter.

What do I do now? I… turn on the tap.

The cold water is uncomfortable, but I lean my body down, supporting my weight on either end of the tub, so that the water only runs along my chest. I tense as it cools the flesh. Then I step out of the shower, thankful that only my chest is wet, and try to keep on, but it’s so bloody. ((I remember thinking it literally looked like a murder scene. I was a Sherlock fan t the time))

It would make perfect sense to just bring my tools into the shower with me. I bring in two of my sharpest razors and my scissors, as well as one ice pack. ((I didn’t want the water to warm up the ice)) I run the cold shower over my laceration again, numbing it more, and once I’m done with that, I take my scissors and I put them inside.

Repeat repeat repeat. ((ok I think here is where I try to separate my skin from my breast tissue? I got such bad bruises bc I didn’t manage to take it all out))

Soon, I’m done separating the skin and extending the opening up a little higher. I keep rinsing the blood, the water runs down my entire body at this point, but I’m used to the cold.

I use my scissors to cut in deeper, I can’t feel it in the mammary fat at all. The scissors are opened and closed in rhythm, without being taken out of me between snips, and I reveal something that looks less like skin, and less like the bubbly pale fat. It might be a mammary gland- I’m not sure. It’s a different texture though, and-

Ouch! I can feel that! Damned fuck! I mean heck! ((I think I legit tried to not swear. I hurt a lot to cut that part. If it’s just done in one swipe tho it wouldn’t be as bad))

I water my wound again. I can’t have my body in pain. Just a few more seconds of cold water, and I can get back to it. Or maybe I should use my ice pack too… The ice pack helps freeze whatever that thing is, so I can cut through it with my scissors.

I’ve made a thick cut now, but I’ve seen surgeries before, I’ve watched so many videos of top surgeries, even some full surgery videos. I know what to do.

So I take my razor from the soap-bench in the wall and run it between the skin and my tissue until I get enough space for my scissors. ((oh! no- here’s the part where I separate the skin & get bruising)) My scissors go right between them, opening and closing as I move them around under my skin. I can see my skin stretch around them, like seeing someone’s legs under a blanket.

Now that I have it separated, I could maybe cut out an entire chunk. I rinse my scissors under the shower, and put them down on the floor of the tub, then I look down.

I’m covered in blood.

I open the shower door and look in the mirror across from me. It looks like a murder scene. There, my skin held apart by tape, a gaping slash under my- my breast, blood drips coming down from it, blood spread all over my torso from the water, blood in the hole in my body, ((yes a hole in my body, kinda wish I took a pic)) blood bright red from being mixed with the water, blood clotting on my belly. I made jokes about some things looking like murder scenes before, like when working with food colouring.

Oh how I was wrong.

This is what a murder scene looks like. I’m so bloody. Part of me wants to take a picture, ((lol I was just thinking this!)) but oh hell (I mean heck) that would be messed up. As though I’m not already messed up!

Well I can’t stare, I have work to do. Work. I close the shower door, and bend down to pick up my ice pack, but I need to be careful, I don’t want to disturb my broken chest.

Numbing my chest again, I continue with this routine, pulling out chunks of my own body and flushing them down my shower drain like the serial killer I read about a little while ago. ((I don’t remember much about the chunks. It might have been less chunks than I’m making it sound. I have memory problems so : / ))

At some point I look in the mirror again, and I’m almost disgusted at what I’ve done.

My family probably needs to use the washroom, I’ve probably been showering for an hour now, they might get suspicious.

The smell is metallic & meaty, almost fishy even.

Thankfully, when I look down at my chest, it seems like I might be slightly smaller than before. ((not rly. It partially looked that way bc of the tape)) It definitely looks smaller than the one on my right. I haven’t been using my ice pack much lately. The blue liquid in the plastic pack has lost most of its cold.

I rinse off my less sharp scissors and razor, and spray all of the leftover bubbles of fat and drops of blood down the drain, trying to get the bloody footprints and handprints ((I forgot I made hand/foot prints!! If I had forgotten them mum could have walked in to pee & seen bloody handprints lol)) from the edges of the tub where I supported myself before getting used to the completely cold shower. I rinse off my torso, too now. Blood is strewn all over it, and some has dripped down to my legs, which has now dried. As soon as I rinse it off, I bleed some more. Ah. Well.

Onto the burgundy red floor towel I step, and I try my best to dry off my bloody chest and abdomen, but of the two rags I have, one of them is wet from taking it into the shower, and the other is already soaked with blood. Neither can help. I do my best nonetheless, and decide I should move on to stitches.

I know how to sew, and I’ve gotten stitches before, I should be able to do them. ((irl I had only gotten stitches once & I already gave myself stitches once))

But I can’t find my needle, ((yeah I just couldn’t find my needle when I moved from my room to the washroom)) and the water hasn’t numbed my skin enough. Inside my body, in the fat, I can’t feel it, but, seemingly, I would still be able to feel it if I were to perform my own stitches.

Alrighty then, I can just tape myself together until I dry. But the tape won’t stick. ((ugh this was so annoying! I literally used all of my skin tape)) Neither will the bandaids. I have no sewing needle. I don’t know what to do, crap! I don’t know how to fix this! The tape won’t stick! Screw this fucking hell! I mean hecking heck!

Eventually, I go to my room. I put on my faux binder. It’s an old bra with a piece of fabric of my measurements sewed on the inside to compress my chest, the bra is just for the straps. Over that loose and torn excuse for a binder, I put on bra after bra, binding my semi-detached chest down so that I might be able to sleep without causing more damage.

I have a.. A thing tomorrow. ((practice for my baking competition)) I can go to the hospital a few blocks away from my school ((20 minute walk)) and get stitches there. Maybe they’ll even say I need to get top surgery an’ the gover’ment will pay for it. Yeah that’d be nice. I can jus’ wai’ ‘ntil tomorrow... and tomorrow I can take more ibe- ibu- ibupropen- ibuprofen... ((I wrote like this for the dramatic effect in the vent fic)) I can't take any more t’day. I’ll just go to sleep now n’ then I’ll wake up for school and when mom... asks me whaveter she asks I'll just tell her I have carpentry, and I'll tell the instructor that I’m not working today. ((irl I went to culinary, then told my teacher “actually I’m going to pick up my supplies to practice with & skidaddle”)) He’ll unsterdand, it’s not like I have school, it's the teacher’s comvemtion, I’m not obligated to stay, I can lust jeave. Mum will be none the wiser. Yah. Sleepy time. Hospital tomorrow.

((so yeah. I go to sleep & ppl always say they can’t sleep on their sides so I tried that but I couldn’t handle it so I slept on my side while hugging a pillow to make sure nothing fell. I’m shaking too. Tbh I was just thinking “I’ve been in the bathroom for an hour or more, why has nobody knocked asking to brush their teeth?” I wake up the next day & put on a button-up shirt bc ppl say they can’t lift their arms, I practice walking on google maps to the hospital, then mom drives me to school. I had my learner’s license but I didn’t want to drive bc of my injury. I go in, I tell Chef I’m leaving, he’s cool abt it. So now I’m loaded up with a huge backpack, it’s february in canada & I forgot a jacket (bc I was driving in a warm car to a warm school & busy planning other things), I also brought my fiddle bc I waited for 4 hours last time & was bored, & I have a huge toolbox & a tub of fondant. I walk 20 minutes to the hospital, get in, & I need to change from my mask to the hospital mask. I go through talking to ppl & stuff. Eventually I’m called up for triage & I tell the guy what’s up (& take my meds bc I forgot that morning & she thought I was doing drugs) & sheasks me for my healthcard number & stuff. I think she was able to put my preferred name in the notes. I’m unbuttoning my shirt & she says “actually come in here” so I go into the nurses’ station & she peels up my bras a bit (apparently I’ve bled) & she’s like “wtf bro” & I’m like “what?” & she’s really concerned that I wanted like 12 hours to come. It was like 9-10pm that I was doing it & it was probably 10am at the time I saw her idk. So she gets me into a private room immediately I think (idk I might be mixing this up with the hospital trip where I had to wait for ages. Idk whether I had to wait here too.) Oh I forgot, I also plucked my violin while waiting for triage or to get called to a private room, but I wasn’t allowed. So eventually (really soon by hospital standards) I get taken to a private room. They get me to change into a gown (all of my bras off too) & now my breast isn’t secured. So while I’m waiting I play my fiddle & look up chords on my phone. Everyone likes it. The nurses & doctors & porters are like “where’s that music coming from?” & “It’s like we’re at the beach” bc chords on violin sound like chords on ukelele despite the fact that I was singing mostly mother mother. Ppl come in a lot tbh. I think the doctor comes in but he says “my shift is over soon & you will take a long time, bYe!” also I’ve been asked so many times if this was a suicide attempt & I’m like “nah bro if I wanted to be dead I would be, I’m not actually suicidal anymore.” Eventually a porter comes to move me from my nice private room to some curtained one. I’m plucking my violin quieter but some fuckin security guard says it’s loud & might be disturbingother patients so I play a really quiet eidelwisse & then I think I might stop. The guard called me miss too & it sucked. Eventually the doctor on shift comes & asks me about things & why & he’s also got his hands on my boob. (when I saw the first doctor he asked if I needed a female doctor & I was like “nah dude ur a doctor & I’m a trans.) So he’s going to sew me up & at some point he asks “tdo you want me to take the rest off?” I’m super confused until I realize he’s making a joke: “do you want me to finish the job & take the rest of your boob off?” so I laugh & say “I wish” & he says “I’d do a horrible job” & I’m like “BRo I AlreAdy did a hOrrible job!” so that was funny. He also asked me about trans stuff bc he didn’t understand a lot (he was respectful even tho he didn’t understand) & he even suggested I claim back pain to get a reduction. I have back pain (mostly from binding). Anyways he drops the needle with novacaine or whatever the hell& needsto get a new one & nobody can touch it bc it’s sharp. A few times it hurts but it’s fine I just close my eyes. He asks “do you need more anesthetic?” & I’m like “bro I did this with only a fucking ice pack” but w/o the swears. I ask him if I can bind after & he’slike “idk” so that was fun. I have a dip in my scar now. Then a nurse comes in & puts a fuck ton of bandages & gause on me but it’s stupid bc I was lying doen & as soon as I stood up (& worse when I put on a bra) it changed everything. So they give me a bag for all my bras & I walk back to school. Now it’s like 15.00 or 3 o’clock so I get back to school… & my phone is at 1%. I text my mom “hey I’m done at school” on google hangouts but my phone dies before I know whether or not the message sent. Chef is already gone, so I can’t get into the school. I can’t call mom. I walk around for a bit, assuming she’ll pick me up when she thinks it’s time. Nope. I’m outside in the cold. I start knocking on doors asking for a phone but it’s fricking covid season! I walk to a nearby coffeeshop & borrow the phone of a nice couple. Mom got sus of that. I warm up in the nice coffeeshop, mom takes me home, but she knows I skipped practice. I think she even called my chef. So yeah that was stupid. I told her “haha I went to get drugs” but she didn’t believe me & also what kind of a lie is that? She knew I cut myself, I guess I just didn’t want to worry her or have her demand to see or cry & ask me why I felt the need to change my body. I’m pissed off that she caught me (she caught me last time I gto stitches too). I can’t jump anymore *& I’m wearing my size-up binder. The doctor told me to scrub my stitches in nthe shower, the nurse told me to wrap in in plastic wrap. I’m wearing button shirts for ages after this, I’m avoiding lifting my arms, everything sucks. Whenever I think of it, I could smell it. I smelled the blood. Every time I smelled a glass that was washed in a dishwasher, I smelled my injury. Every time I remembered it, I could smell it. I don’t get that anymore but I was literally in mild shock & I think I may have traumatized myself. There’s more to say but I forget it all & idc so good night))

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hwanscung · 5 years ago

Text

is that [ JU JI-HOON ] no, that’s just [ HWAN HYUN JOON ]. [ HE/HIM ] is [ THIRTY-FIVE ] years old and is a [ COO OF HWAN CORPORATION ]. rumor has it they’ve been in town for [THREE DAYS ]. on a good day, they’re [ INGENIOUS & URBANE ]. but watch out! they can also be [ DOMINEERING & INSENSITIVE ]. [ POWER IS POWER BY SZA & THE WEEKND ] plays in my head whenever i think of them. can’t wait to see them around springhill!

hellooo, it’s me li with my second bby. joon is the elder brother of lee and i’m apologizing for him now because watch out, he can be an asshole. not that he doesn’t have his reasons. this is also my first Korean bby i’m actually really nervous about it and i’m sorry if i messed anything up!!

[ triggers: high-risk pregnancy tw & death tw ]

GENERAL INFORMATION.

NAME →hwan hyun joon AGE → thirty-five DATE OF BIRTH → april 13th, 1984 PLACE OF BIRTH → seoul, south korea EDUCATION → business law degree from harvard & seoul school of law ZODIAC → aries GENDER → male LANGUAGES → korean, english, mandarin, & japanese ORIENTATION → demisexual, demiromantic RELIGIOUS VIEWS →buddhist ( & hints of folk religion passed down )

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES.

FACE CLAIM → ju ji-hoon HEIGHT → 6'2" WEIGHT → 172 lbs HAIR COLOR → black EYE COLOR → brown BODY TYPE → slender, fit

FAMILIAL INFORMATION.

FATHER → hwan jung-soo MOTHER → lee mi-kyong YOUNGER BROTHER → lee hyun hwan ( westernized name ) YOUNGER SISTER → hwan ( up to player )

WIFE → oh seo-yeon ( deceased )

PERSONALITY.

POSITIVE TRAITS → ambitious, ingenious, urbane, & calculated NEGATIVE TRAITS → hidebound, domineering, sarcastic, & insensitive INTERESTS → reading, cooking, boxing, & cars DISLIKES → being lied to by those he trusts, cleaning, & coffee AESTHETICS → pressed designer suits, the sound of rain on the roof, the way the city looks from a plane window that’s just taken off, unanswered texts left on read, & a glass of scotch after a long day. MORAL ALIGNMENT → lawful neutral PERSONALITY TYPE → INTJ-A ( the architect )

BACKSTORY.

joon was born in south korea to a wealthy family who expected nothing less than greatness. the family-owned their own very prosperous natural resource company and they’d been grooming their eldest son to take it over long before he could even understand how any part of the business worked.

just before he turned thirteen, his family made arrangements to expand their company and move to the states. his pregnant mother left for new york not long after where she gave birth to his younger brother lee. the family wasn’t reunited until the following year in their new home in the states. soon after came the final addition to the family, a baby girl.

growing up, joon was expected to provide nothing but the absolute best example for his younger siblings and failure was never an acceptable option. he was without question what others would refer to as the golden child and it caused a rift between joon and his siblings. that as well as the large gap in their ages.

there’s almost nothing joon is better at than being obedient to his parents. especially his father. all his father ever needed to do was call and his son would be there, which only led to his loyalty and obedience being taken advantage of time and time again.

he’d always been quite intelligent and had a thirst for knowledge that couldn’t be quenched with just any ordinary business degree. he wanted to be an asset to his families company in ways others couldn’t or wouldn’t be. he wanted to have an edge over everyone, even his father in the end. after graduation joon attended harvard where he studied business law before continuing his education back in south korea at seoul national university school of law. after law school, he stayed in south korea for many years to handle his family's affairs from there at their headquarters, happier to be in the country he truly considered his home as opposed to the states. it was also the place his wife preferred to live.

while studying in seoul, joon met the love of his life. she was the first one to really get him to open up and even want to change a little. of course, not in any serious way, but around seo-yeon he was open to the possibility and eager to more open-minded like she’d always been. she made everything in his life seem light and easy; she was perfect. too perfect for this world, he came to learn.

two years after their marriage, at twenty-eight, joon was called away to the states on business by his father, but he was more than just hesitant to leave his very pregnant wife. initially, the eldest soon refused--the first and only time he’d ever said no to his father. but it was something that didn’t sit well and less than three hours later he was flying first class to jfk.

seo-yeon went into early labor the day after joon left south korea and wasn’t expected to return until after the weekend, a whole three days away. upon his return to seoul, joon found that his life was in nothing more than shambles. his wife had been taken to the hospital, but it already proved to be too late for their unborn child and then to make matters worse, seo-yeon died on the operating table due to complications from the cesarean section. joon knew the high-risks she was facing due to the pregnancy but made the choice to leave her on her own anyway and it’s something he’s never been able to forgive himself for. if he’d stayed with her, he could have made sure she made it to hospital in time. he could have saved his family still.

joon moved back to the states the following year to rejoin the rest of the hwan family as he found the idea of staying in the house they’d made home without those he loved most to be too unbearable. he threw himself into his work more than he ever had before but the seed of resentment he felt towards his father began to grow slowly over the years without him even truly realizing it. unable to stop himself from thinking about how his father had left him with no other option except to abandon his wife. it was something he simply couldn’t forget. or forgive.

outwardly, things certainly seemed to be business as usual for refined young man, but internally a dangerous storm was brewing. though as time past, joon learned to control his anger and emotions once more, the thing he’d been so good at before he’d met seo-yeon. he began to box as a way to channel his frustrations and has since become very invested in it.

joon will still do whatever his father or mother asks of him, but there are times where he now questions those things and when the requests do come in they’re far and few in between. the man can’t help but wonder if it’s because his father truly feels guilty or sorry or merely because his father can sense just how far joon as drifted from the rightful place at his side. just before his thirtieth birthday, his father promoted him to the chief operating officer of the company and joon took the opportunity to immerse himself in work even further than he already has, which was rather difficult all things considered. it wasn’t long after this that his mother truly began to worry about the well-being and mental state of her eldest son. she even started to try and find him a new wife. something he’s not been overly eager about dealing with.

the years began to pass quickly, most of them blurring together for joon in a rather unhealthy way which left even his father concerned. his parents decided to try and put some space between the company and their heir who was set to inherit it all by asking him to track down his younger brother and to find out what exactly was going on. and joon knew he could do nothing but agree to help. after all, lee was his family even if they’d never exactly treated each other as such.

IMPORTANT FACTS.

being the very traditional korean that he is, he doesn't like being called joon by those who are not family members or close friends. he often corrects people of this when in the states and will grow to dislike those who disregard his correction. he prefers mr. hwan or by people he knows and if comfortable with they may call him hyun joon. (( call him just joon multiple times and i make no promises of his reactions lmao ))

he’s always preferred to work alone and finds he can get more done this way. a big part of why he enjoyed working from seoul rather than the states.

he has a shiba inu named baek and he loves that dog more than anything else in his life at the moment. he was the last gift from seo-yeon.

he is very perceptive and has always been good at sensing another's kibun and also how to use it to his own benefit when it comes to business meetings and personal gain. but his abuse of his nunchi is something that has gotten him into LOTS trouble with his father for a long as he can remember as his father always like to remind him it’s quite the opposite of harmonious

living in the states definitely made him more insensitive to others feelings and more importantly their kibun because it wasn’t something that mattered in the same way in the states like it did back home. it’s probably the only real american/western thing about him

he’s quite the cocky and an arrogant person, ( but when you’re raised being told you’re place is above others, it’s pretty dang hard not to think like that ).

he still travels back to korea often for work, but his trips are usually short-lived and he doesn’t do anything really except work when he’s there.

for the time being, joon is just staying at a local hotel as he doesn’t expect to have to stay around long. ( ohhh how that will change lol )

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

executive assistant

friends

rivals

colleagues

i’m down for anything, i just can’t think of too many atm!

#springhillintro #about joon.#(( ahhhh! i'm so nervous to post this. i'm sorry if anything in it is wrong! ))

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