#choke? kevin coded

[secret-sageent]

kevin wtnv is so IDKHOW coded to me

[witchygagirlwrites]

Our Girl

Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz x Reader x Jay Halstead/ Gerstead x Reader

Your boys don't get jealous over each other. They know they both own your heart equally but when a night out results in another man trying to hit on you they feel the need to remind themselves that you're theirs.

Warnings: This is just smut. @desimarie12 we are deranged lol

You felt Mouse’s hand on your lower back as you walked into Mollys between him and Jay. You cut your eyes at him and he gave you a smile that made your heart flip “You know these jeans and that low cut of a top are gonna get us in trouble tonight, don’t you?” You offered him an innocent smile “Gerwitz I have no idea what you’re talking about. You two said we were gonna go out with the rest of the unit to grab a few drinks. I dressed comfortably and cute”

Jay turned once the two of you were inside and stepped close enough to you his voice was barely above a whisper but sent a shiver down your spine “Let one of these asshole think they can put their hand on you and you’ll see” you swallowed hard but managed to keep your face neutral to look between your boyfriends “Since when can I not wear what I want?”

Mouse laughed “Oh baby, believe us when we say that you can wear whatever the hell you want. We know we can fight” you shook your head and took Jay’s offered hand before reaching back for Mouse’s. 

Kelly called out a greeting when he spotted the three of you, so did Stella. Fifty one along with the twenty first knew that the three of you were a package deal and surprisingly enough no one had barely blinked an eye. Herrman had simply asked just how big of a bed you owned. 

When the three of you made it to the booths that intelligence had staked a claim to Kim grinned when she saw you “Y/N!” you let go of both Mouse and Jay to pull her into a hug then hugged Hailey as well. Jay kissed the side of your head “You want your usual baby?” you nodded “Yes please”  

He headed to the bar with Adam and Kevin in tow. He did that on purpose. The men out of the bunch always made sure at least one was left with the women when you all went out as a group because in Jay’s words “You three are capable but like it or not one of us does dissuade assholes” 

Mouse cut his eyes at you when you slid into the booth between Kim and Hailey “Am I not sitting with you?” Kim waved a hand at him “You’ll be ok for a little while. You have eyes on her” Kim loved to tease him and Jay about how protective they were, even though when it was just the two of you she always told you how adorable she thought it was. He shook his head but you saw the small smirk pulling at his lips as he sat on Hailey’s other side.

When Jay came back he raised an eyebrow at the fact that you weren’t sitting next to Mouse. Hailey pointed her finger at him “Do not start too” he held up his hands defensively “Easy partner. I was just making sure I didn’t have to sleep between an argument tonight, that was all” and everyone around the table started laughing.

You and Hailey somehow managed to convince Jay and Mouse that you, her and Kim would be fine if the guys wanted to play pool. “C’mon loves, you’re in yelling distance. Kelly is at the bar, Cruz is two tables over” you told them and they shared a look “One game”

You watched them walk off and Kim laughed lightly “I can barely deal with Adam some days without wanting to choke him,how do you handle two? No offense you know I love Jay and Mouse” you laughed “None taken, we have a code around the house for when someone needs alone time. The other two have to respect it”

Hailey nodded “Makes sense” Kim shook her head “You three have a smoother relationship then anyone else I know” you smiled proudly, looking over at the pool table where Jay and Mouse were racking up “Believe me it took some adjusting to get here” 

You were laughing at a story Kim was telling you about Adam and Kevin attempting to make her niece a birthday cake and mixing up baking soda with baking powder. “Oh those sweet sweet idiots”  you weren’t really paying attention to anyone approaching the table for the simple fact Mollys was normally a place where you worked with or knew most of the crowd.

Kim looked past your head and her eyes widened right before you heard a throat clear. Your head whipped towards the sound because for one it was rude to clear your throat instead of verbally saying excuse me and for two anyone you knew would have simply called either of your names.

A man stood next to the table. He wore a fitted suit that screamed lawyer and the expensive watch and cologne he wore matched it perfectly. He wasn’t unattractive but compared to the men you shared your life with? He was sort of laughable. You seriously hoped he was shooting his shot at Kim or Hailey. 

When his eyes locked onto you Kim groaned under her breath and Hailey chuckled “This is gonna get good” you took a deep breath as he said “I noticed you’re just sitting with your girlfriends, can I buy you a drink?” you smiled “No thanks, I’m spoken for”

God bless his heart he didn’t take the hint. He tried to place his hand on top of yours but you quickly snatched it away “A beautiful woman like you is spoken for but your man left you alone? Doesn’t seem like much of a man to me?” 

_________________

“Oh shit” Adam muttered which got Jay’s attention. He looked up and followed his line of sight and what he saw made his blood boil. “Greg” he didn’t even get Mouse out at the moment. Some sleazy ass guy attempting to put his hand on you.

“I’ll fucking kill him” Mouse growled, throwing the pool cue onto the table. “Not if I kill him first,” Jay added. Both men moved across the bar, the regulars quickly catching onto the scene and realizing what was happening.

_________________

“Look buddy” you tried but before you could get anything more out you spotted your boyfriends and boy did they look pissed. Jay grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around “Did you really just try to put your hand on our girl?”

The guy looked between Jay and Mouse “Your girl?” and a smirk started to form on his face. “Oh god” you groaned, sliding out of the booth to get between your boyfriends and the guy who really didn’t deserve to get his jaw broken in four places just because he was sleazy. “Loves, he didn’t touch me” 

“Baby, move” Mouse told you, his voice level which you knew was worse. You sighed and stepped to the side. Jay threw a hard right, catching the guy across the jaw then Mouse bought his knee up into the guy’s gut. When he hit the floor Jay crouched down over him “Look buddy, I know for a fact she told you no more than once. Take the fact that we didn’t break anything as a win”

You knew Herrman and Stella would take their side so that was no issue when the bouncer headed your way. Jay gave him a nod and grabbed your hand before telling the rest of the unit the three of you were headed him.

You could feel every eye on you as you moved through the bar but you couldn’t think about anything but the heat coming off the man in front of you and the one behind you. When you got outside the cool night air hit your face and Jay passed your hand over to Mouse when you got to his truck. When he unlocked it Mouse opened the passenger side door and motioned for you to get in. You saw that Jay had moved the console up so you slid in next to Jay and felt Mouse’s thigh hit yours.

Not a single word was spoken on the drive home but Mouse’s left hand kept a deathly grip on your right thigh while Jay’s right hand had to have left marks on your left thigh. 

When Jay pulled into the driveway and killed the engine you swallowed hard. They could not possibly be mad at you for some asshole. That would be like if you got pissed at them every time a woman checked one of them out, you’d never not be pissed.  Jay looked over your head at Mouse and you weren’t sure what was passed in that look but Mouse opened the passenger side door and offered you his hand to get out.

You slid out of the truck and headed for the front door, hearing their boots behind you as you dug your keys out of your pocket. You unlocked the door and stepped inside, they followed you in, still silent as you hung up your jacket then locked the door back. 

They both hung up their jackets and you sighed, done with the silent treatment and headed for the bedroom. You planned to just grab some clothes and sleep on the couch if need be. 

___________

You walked into the bedroom and stopped in front of your dresser, feeling tears prick at your eyes. You didn’t even hear them come in the room behind you so when Jay slipped his arms around your waist, pulling you back against his chest a little gasp of surprise left you. He chuckled lightly as his lips teased at the sensitive skin of your neck “Baby, we’re not mad at you so don’t you dare think that”

Mouse slipped in front of you, his hands going to your belt loops to pull you closer to him so he could brush his lips against yours. The kiss started gentle but when you slipped your tongue past his lips he groaned, hands moving to your hips, gripping tightly. 

You broke away from Mouse to tilt your head back to catch Jay’s lips in a bruising kiss. When you pulled away from him he chased your lips, a small pout gracing his face “Why were you two so quiet?” you asked and Mouse grinned “Because baby, you don’t know how bad that pissed us off”

“That jackass thought he could touch you” Jay spoke low, teeth nipping at your neck as Mouse let his hands slip under your shirt to tease at your breasts through the thin bra you wore “Nobody messes with what's ours baby” Mouse reminded you and you moaned lightly from a mixture of what they were doing and their words “What’s yours huh? I’m not your property” you spoke and Jay shook his head against your neck “We know that but you’re our girl aren’t you?”

“Always” you promised and Mouse smiled, tugging your shirt up so you let him pull it up and over your head “Then just let us remind ourselves that you are all ours, please” you nodded and felt Jay’s hands move to the button of your jeans, nimble fingers easily undoing it and unzipping them. His hand slipped past the waistband of your jeans and pushed your panties to the side as Mouse moved to your neck, licking and biting every spot that would have you moaning as Jay sank two fingers into you. 

He groaned as he felt how wet you already were “She’s always so damn ready for us, such a good girl” you felt yourself clench around him and he hissed “Baby I need those fingers” Mouse laughed against your neck “Need some help?” Jay looked at him “She’s always so damn eager, she clenches so fucking hard” Mouse pulled back to brush a kiss against your lips before moving to kiss across your chest. When he got to your bra he made quick work of it, tossing it across the room and rolling a nipple between his teeth as Jay started to move his fingers, finding that spot that made your breath quicken.

“There she is” Jay praised when your head fell back against his shoulder. He gave you a smile and pressed a kiss to your lips as he worked you closer to an orgasm. Mouse moved from one breast to the other, marking them everywhere he could.

“So damn beautiful” Mouse praised, kneeling in front of you and you felt your knees weaken and to the point Jay was supporting your weight. “Fuck Jay” you moaned when he hit that spot deep inside of you with a hard thrust of his fingers. Mouse grinned up at him “Keep that up, I like that sound” 

You felt Mouse tug your jeans off your hips and realized you were now completely bare between your guys but you could’ve cared less because once your pussy was bare, Mouse kneeled between your legs and you felt his tongue flick against your clit, finding a rhythm with Jay’s fingers. A loud moan fell from you and both men groaned “That’s it baby, come for us” Jay coaxed you as you felt your orgasm build. Jay hit that spot at just the right angle as Mouse just barely grazed your clit with his teeth and that was all it took.

Your knees completely went out from under you and you vaguely registered Jay’s laugh “Easy sweetheart, I got you angel”  as the world went soft around the edges.  

Once you came down off the high you were basically in Jay’s lap with Mouse grinning up at you, “Feeling better?” he asked and you shook your head “You two have way too many clothes on” He laughed “We can fix that”

You pulled Mouse up to his feet and crashed your lips against his, tasting yourself as your shaking hands worked the buttons of his shirt. Jay’s slipped around you to help you push the material off his shoulders. He laughed lightly when your mouth moved to his neck, marking him the way he had you “Now who’s being territorial?” 

He gently gripped your hips and turned you to face Jay “Someone else isn’t marked love” you smiled up at Jay and much the same way Jay helped you with Mouse’s shirt, Mouse helped you with Jay’s. You pulled him into a kiss then set about marking him. 

You could feel Mouse’s erection pressing against your ass even through his jeans and let out a low moan. “I need you” you begged and they both laughed “You have us baby. Who do you want first?” Jay asked and you rolled your bottom lip between your teeth “Mouse? Is that ok?” he nodded “Of course love”

Mouse’s grip around your waist tightened before Jay pulled you into his arms, causing you to be forced to wrap your legs around his waist. The feeling of his clothed erection rubbing against your core pulled a moan from your lips as he pressed your weight into the mattress. His lips moved down to your neck, then your chest, wherever he could find.

When Mouse tapped your leg Jay laughed and turned to let you lay back on him, supporting your body. You felt your mouth drop open at the sight of Mouse, he’d slipped his jeans off and he was slowly stroking his hardened cock as he watched you and Jay. You crooked one finger at him so he grabbed a condom out of the nightstand and crawled up your body before tearing open the package and rolling it down onto himself. He leaned down to catch your lips in a gentle kiss “I love you” “I love you too” you told him as he lined himself up with your entrance and bottomed out with one hard thrust that had your back arching up into Jay who shushed you gently “You can take him baby. You always take us so well”

You felt yourself clench around Mouse and he chuckled “Keep talking to her Jay, you know she loves that” Jay pressed a kiss under your right ear as Mouse found an angle where every thrust meant he was hitting that spot that had you seeing stars “Is that right baby? You love hearing how you’re such a good girl for us? You take us so well, always so damn eager for us, nobody else could keep up with the two of us like you do..”

You felt another orgasm building and knew you were so damn close. “Don’t stop Greg, fuck please don’t stop” you begged and Jay kissed you again “He’s not gonna stop baby, just lay back and take it” you felt your nails digging into Mouse’s back and he grunted lightly from the pain but didn’t try to stop you. Jay knew when you were close so he slipped one hand between your body and Mouse’s rubbing tight circles onto your clit and that was all it took for your orgasm to slam into you. The feeling of you coming bringing Mouse with you as he buried himself deep inside of you with a final thrust, spilling into the condom.

“Holy shit..Baby I love you so damn much” he praised kissing your lips then neck then collarbone as you both worked to get your breathing back to normal. You laughed lightly “I love you too” he gently pulled out of you, apologizing when you made a noise of discomfort. 

Jay moved from underneath you, helping you to settle back onto the pillows before moving to crawl onto the bed with you. He caught your lips in a lingering kiss, “I love you princess” he teased and you grinned “I love you” he pushed his jeans down and grabbed a condom, rolling it down his hardened cock. He looked up at your eyes “Are you sure you’re good to take me too?” 

You nodded “Please? I want you Jay” By then Mouse had cleaned himself up and was crawling on the bed to lay next to you “Don’t make her beg Jay” he tsked, turning your head towards him to brush a kiss against your lips. Jay lined himself up with your opening and gently eased into you, letting you feel every inch of him.

Your hands went to his shoulders, pulling him down to you as Mouse laughed lightly “I think she’s good”  Jay quickly found a pace, the two of them knew your body so well it wasn’t fair. “Fuck Jay, feels so damn good” you sobbed as Mouse nipped at your neck “Tell her how good she feels Jay, let her know how good that pussy feels when you’re buried in it” he groaned against your neck. 

Jay leaned his forehead over against your chest “You feel so damn amazing baby, you always do. You take us so good” he grunted when you clenched down around him and nodded to Mouse who snaked a hand between your bodies to work at your clit. The two of them quickly took you to that brink again and pushed you over that edge. When your back arched off the bed,your orgasm ripping a scream from your throat Jay buried himself inside of you, spilling into the condom with a moan of your name.

Your head fell back against the bed as Jay’s landed down on your chest, both of you working to get your breathing back to normal while Mouse played with both of yours and Jay’s hair. “That was fucking amazing” Jay whispered and you laughed lightly “Took the words right out of my mouth”

After a shower all three of you were in bed,you on Jay’s chest and Mouse curled up to your back. “Why did you two get so mad? He didn’t actually touch me” you spoke into the quiet room. “Because he didn’t take no for an answer” Jay replied and Mouse added “The idea of someone hurting you? That’s just no”

You shook your head “I love you two” “We love you princess” Jay spoke softly,pressing a kiss to your temple as Mouse pressed one to your bare shoulder “Always”

[shallowseeker]

There are a lot of nervous breakdowns in SPN that are very tied up with delayed grief reactions.

S4 Sam - Drinking demon blood is a reaction to losing Dean; to being horrified that Dean could die and having a disgust-reaction to his weakness as a way to protect himself from the emotions he has about Dean's mortality; Sam was desperate to be stronger. He couldn't unpack why.

S6 Cas - Being murdered by Heaven (Raphael), and though he returned to Heaven to be "the new sheriff," he was paranoid of even the angels close to him because of *waves at all of S4-5* That paranoia and withdrawal into himself reached into every relationship he has. He watched his loved ones suffer, so he decided to be the one to "Put a Stop to It--to All of It"

S7 Cas - Nihilism; (The endless repetition of life and deriving no meaning from it; route of flowers being a predestined plan is also a "nothing matters" nod); Feelings of guilt and the need for penance, terminating in s8 "suicide" / wanting to stay in purgatory *is* suicide btw

S8 Cas - Brainwashing redux; Guilt, lots of changes here, as a result of the brainwashing he needs space to figure out what he's feeling and who he trusts; Nervous about his "crippling" emotions for the human fam but ALSO Feeling afraid of heaven (re: The great escapist and Metatron "Heaven's powers always spill over (to the humans)" and "Who's it gonna be, Castiel, her or YOUR family (human family)?"

S8 Sam - Great big Sam nervous breakdown; totally paralyzed and running away. Even Amelia-Sam was part OF the freakout, something Amelia's father, someone that knew her well and cared about her, recognized (Amelia doesn't wanna go back to her husband, because he can *die* and maybe she's like Sam too in that she's completely allergic to grief, hey?); Sam oscillates between CHECKOUT OF REALITY and WE GOTTA STICK TO THE HUNTING CODE(TM) the same way Dean clung to the simpler hunting code at the beginning of s7; "Don't choke!" Both boys veer between all-or-nothing with regards to the hunting life

S9 Dean - Gadreel and Kevin and feeling like he was doing the wrong thing; Sam's willingness to commit suicide; Cas's symbolic suicide, then Cas falling—we see in Dean’s speech to Metatron that he was desperate to also "Put a Stop to It—to All of It" and his reasons were spelled out clearly, protecting Sam and the distress over Cas's grace/falling/being wronged BY Metatron

S10 Sam - Reacting to Dean's death AGAIN; Reacting to the terrible knowledge that everyone was always sacrificing for him and not the other way around; also a delayed grief reaction to how his family locked him up for detox; and of being an addict himself and fearing that it would end in black eyes and blood (he's not exactly wrong, either; he just went too far)

S10 Cas - Delayed reaction to Jimmy Novak's passing; meeting Claire and wanting to be "like a human"; his guilt was so overpowering; also dealing with his hypocrisy (re: Metatron) about wanting to stay on the earth

S10 Dean - Loss of free will redux, but in the disinhibited direction; dealing with feelings of shame over the loss of free will and past experiences where he also felt powerless or manipulated; he (like Claire Novak) overall tends to choose forgiveness, trying to understand and give grace to those who wronged him; also dealing with being Cole's "Azazel," the parallel to Claire dealing with her "Azazels"

S11 Cas - Delayed reaction to Dean dying in s9, reaction to his grace power reduction (he got his grace BACK and it was damaged), also feeling powerless to protect anyone; the attack dog spell etc etc; Sacrifices himself to the cause

S12 Mary - Huge breakdown because she was ripped from her life and is grieving her entire family as she knew it; feeling like she can't escape from hunting and she corrupted John and in reading his journal she empathizes with his plight while struggling with the cruelty of it; she decides if she can't escape then maybe she can "Put a Stop to It—to All of It."

S12 Cas - Still struggling with the mortality of the human fam (First Blood) and his lack of strength, See Lily Sunder and Stuck in the Middle with You as crisis points. Was enticed by Jack keeping his power because that means he'd have a fam member who could outlive him. The script taps into Cas's wants: Kelly to be at peace, Sam to be free, Dean to be *ahem* thankful, and himself to be strong. Nephilim gives him a cause to not feel guilty about being on earth because it's a Mission (TM)

Nervous breakdowns, man. I can keep going. There are so many nervous breakdowns. SO MANY. And when you look at them AS nervous breakdowns, they make more sense.

[ninyard]

Okay I’m back I’ve mapped out how the whole night we met/binghampton riot scene would play out

* Song starts *

Instrumental - Riot starts, thrown bottle, foxes fighting

I am not the only traveler

→ Neil struggling, getting pushed into Lola’s car

Who has not repaid his debt

→ foxes getting on the bus, busted up

I’ve been searching for a trail to follow/take me back to the night we met

-> Andrew realizing Neil is missing from the bus and making his way back out the door. It would be cool if in this scene there was like a ghost image of them on the bus together somewhere behind Andrew.

Then I can tell myself

→ Neil in lolas car

What the hell im supposed to do

→ andrew outside looking for Neil

Then I can tell myself

-> Lolas car again, artsy shot of handcuffs, knife, dashboard lighter

Not to ride along with you

-> Foxes at the hospital, artsy shot of bandages, casts, bruises, gowns, hospital equipment

I had

All → flashback to them kissing

Most → flashback to Neil breaking the deal

Some → flashback to “you were amazing”

none -> shot of just Neil’s duffle on the ground with andrew standing behind it, focus moves from bag to Andrew’s face

Take me back → flashback to Andrew picking Neil up at the airport

Don't know what I'm supposed to do

-> scrolling through Neil’s phone to find the countdown, focus on the Baltimore area code

Take me back to the night we met

→Andrew telling Neil where he can touch him

When the night was full of terrors

And your eyes were filled with tears

-> frenzied shots of Neil in lola’s car: Artsy shots of Burns, blood, swirching cars INTERMIXED with shots of the Drake Incident

When you had not touched me yet

-> Neil covering andrew with a blanket at the Hemmick House

Oh, take me back to the night we met

->Andrew touching Neils scars, the shot of Neil saying Abram

Music fades out to “Baltimore area code?” And the “You were always going to lose him” line/reveal from kevin, music rushes back in to:

All - Neil asking Andrew to shut the goal down, “Anything” (kevin in frame)

most -kevin and Neil at night practice, andrew watching

some - kevin handing Neil the boarding pass for evermore

None - Andrew choking Kevin

Take me back to the night we met

-Doesn’t mean i wouldn’t blow you (Kevin has to be slightly in frame in this shot do you see the vision?)

I don't know what I'm supposed to do

->never before seen kissing footage

Haunted by the ghost of you

-> Kevin’s holding his throat, the foxes all staring at Andrew

Take me back to the night we met

-> THE meet cute of all time: the racket hit in Millport

Instrumental out

—> Neil unconscious and beaten up in the back of the car

the “you were always going to lose him” moment PLEASEEEEE

neil covering him with the blanket too oh man this has only just made the fact that i’m never gonna see this so much worse because there’s so many points in this that i want to see on screen SO BADLY

i can see all of it so clearly and it’s just devastatingly good

[themoonweaversden]

Messeges that were found so far: STOD EHT TCENNOC (spoilers)

This is just to collect all the codes that you can type in in thisisnotawebsitedotcom.com and their effects only (please click images for better quality)

I am so sorry if the transcripts in these are't the best, it's A LOT and my mind doesn't understand what's writing anymore

Masterpost with all messeges / codes

Transcript:

"LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN CULTS

Have you ever heard of Orchard Lake, Kansas? Chances are you haven’t. It was erased from every map, book, and historical record, and the US Government’s official position on it is “stop calling us or we’ll send a drone to your house.” (I learned this the hard way.) But if you drive to the exact latitude and longitude of [REDACTED] you’ll see bullet casings, faded billboards, and bow ties strewn across the desert sands.

That’s because Orchard Lake had another name before it was wiped off the record: BillVille.

CHAPTER 3: BillVille The First Cult In History That Was Right

[image]

FIG A: A tumbillweed

As a historian of esoteric religions, I thought I’d discovered the strangest sects America had yet to offer (see “Chapter 3: Kevin’s Gate”) but that all changed when I found the following items tucked away in an old trunk in an estate sale on the outskirts of Bootstrap, Missouri."

Transcript:

"LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN CULTS

"3/24/1957

Mother, I have the most wonderful news! Remember when you said I should stop being “such a follower” and finally think for myself? Well—turns out you were right! I’ve decided to stop following Elvis’ tour bus from state to state and instead I’ve made the exciting life decision to sell all my possessions to buy a one-way ticket to [REDACTED] and marry 138 of my new best friends! We’ve discovered the eternal secrets of the Universe, and golly it feels keen! For the first time in my life, I am happy!

Remember reality is an illusion, the Universe is a hologram, buy gold, and bye forever!

Your daughter, Shelter Martha Jones Starshine Cipherwife

P.S. You’ve just gotta check out this neato pamphlet!"

FIG B: Letter and pamphlet advertising “Ciphertology.” Was found along with pins, buttons, ephemera. Smells like formaldehyde."

Transcript:

"LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN CULTS

After reading this pamphlet, I became obsessed. Who were the Ciphertologists?

It seems in 1952 a failed travelling snake oil salesman “Silas Birchtree” was hiding from creditors when he choked on a coin he was flipping and died. Then, remarkably, the next day, he was seen alive. His posture, his smile, the pallor of his skin had all changed. It was as if another man entirely was wearing Silas like a suit. Whatever caused this transformation, the new Silas hit Orchard Lake, Kansas like a comet.

[TRANSCRIPT, FIRST AUDIO RECORDING FOUND OF SILAS BIRCHTREE GIVING A SPEECH IN THE TOWN SQUARE OF ORCHARD LAKE, KANSAS]

“Say, folks, gather round, thank you ma’am, spit out that gum, junior. My names Silas Birchtree, and I was just passing through when I noticed a very pressing problem: This town only has three wells! Well, well, well, that won’t hold water! (townsfolk laugh) But seriously plasma bags, if you’re dim enough to laugh at that tripe then you’re going to love what I’m about to shove down your throats: The secrets of the universe! I may look like an meat automoton but I was recently granted otherworldly insight into the nature of reality by an all-seeing eye named Bill Cipher. You have primal needs for chaos that are being repressed! Destroying is a form of creating! Assert your will in defiance of entropy! Punch through the throats of your oppressors and baptize yourself in their blood! Doesn’t that sound swell? Yes I said swell, and that rhymes with L, and that stands for “Let me Marry All Your Wives!”

-Silas Birchtree, 1952

It didn’t seem to matter what Silas said, folks were mesmerized by his rambling stream of consciousness diatribes. It wasn’t long before he became local news."

Treanscript:

"THE ORCHARD LAKE CORNHUSK "A suitable distraction from your toils." June 18, 1952 | 5 CENTS

CULT COMES TO TOWN Fans of Cults Pleased, Cult Skeptics Skeptical

Two things are on the rise this week in Orchard Lake! The sweet, sweet corn-bread cooling in Mrs. Butternubbins windowsill, and the terrifying cult that threatens to tear our town asunder. And asunder is one of the worst things you can be torn! Springing forth seemingly overnight, these bow-tie wearing brainwashees call themselves the Ciphertologists, and they answer to one man, the charismatic and extremely jaundiced Silas BirchTree. Town sentiment is divided as to whether this new religion can be trusted, but all agree this seems to be the most significant event in our town since a bat fell in the deep fryer at the waffle house. We spoke to townsfolk to gauge the local sentiment.

...WHAT THE PEOPLE SAY...

Darla Laudanum, Housewife: "Well, I don’t see what the big fuss is! Everyone’s entitled to their opinions, and Silas is no different. Why, I remember when everyone was worried that “Hula Hoops” were going to turn our children into Communists. But we only had to report 3 children!"

Gus Gunderson, Painter: "I ‘spose he’s got a funny way of talkin’, shore ‘nuff, but he promised me I’d live forever on my own moon, which beats my current job at the paint store. He also said he’d teach me to explode people with my mind. My mother ‘n law had better watch out!"

Madeline Dixon, Teenager: "He’s fine, I guess. It’s not like I replaced the picture of James Dean in my locket with him or anything. What? No you can’t look inside the locket, this is a personal locket!"

Emmaline Butternubbins, Spoilsport: "I’m telling you! He’s a human corpse puppeteered by a space triangle and he’s come to build an unholy astral pyramid from mortal realm beyond mortal understanding! Gather up your swords and arrows, let us slay the beast in mans form before he slays us!"

Can You "Dig It?" Hey Daddio! Are you hoppin mad about the piles of youth that are buckling your Chevy’s pad to the winner? Dig this jive! A keen new shovel that all the hep cats are using to flip those big Ricks right out of the sock hop! Man, you know what it is called!

“HIPPADDY RENZADDY’S SUPER-KEENHOOT SCOOP!”

It’s me, “Hip Daddy” Renzaddy! 50 years ago my great grandpappy Renzaddy toppled a pile of stones to death to avenge his death! The eternal war on man’s sin rages on!

5 CENTS OFF!

Teen Accused of "Rocking Around the Clock," Faces Trial ... (PG 3) Joseph McCarthy Arrests Suspicious Pez Dispenser (PG 5)"

Trascript:

"PAGE 2 THE ORCHARD LAKE CORNHUSK, JUNE 18, 1952 INTERVIEW WITH A PROPHET

Our lead reporter Welton Danforth sat down with the enigmatic leader to gain some insight into his holy mission. When they sat down to speak, the controversial religious leader was staring at his hands laughing as he wiggled his fingers.

Silas: Fingers! Wow, there’s just so many of these things! How do you keep track? Hey could someone get me a swig of formaldehyde?

Welton: Good evening. I have never seen a man open his eyes as wide as yours before. What exactly is going on with your face?

Silas: My face is normal! Next question!

Welton: (laughing) Well there’s that charm I’ve heard so much about. Move over, Johnny Carson! Tell me, how do you respond to accusations that the Ciphertologists are a cult?

Silas: Yes!

Welton: So you don’t deny it?

Silas: Look slick, everyone believes in something they can’t prove. Football players believe in “points.” Cops believe in “laws.” Priests believe in “sin.” But show me a law, a point, a sin. You can’t, they’re just ideas. So if you’re going to follow something invisible, why not follow the invisible Triangle that will give you your own planet and crush your enemies into a small screaming cube.

Welton: You’re awfully quick with a turn of phrase, but many others with silver tongues have claimed to be the messiah. What makes you any different?

Silas: Fair point! You know, you’re very perceptive. Has your wife told you that lately?

Welton: (pause) No. No… Janet has not. We are… going through a rough patch.

Silas: Must be hard. All those long nights on the couch, wondering what went wrong.

Welton: Yes… but, how did you know all that?

Silas: I know lots of things, Jack! And I know that when you die at 72 from a goose crashing into your head on a roller coaster, your last thought is gonna be that you wasted your life interviewing hick farmers instead of becoming that great novelist you always dreamed of being! That unfinished novel in your desk drawer…

Welton: …The Reporter Who Went To Mars?

Silas: It could be the greatest book of all time. But you’ll need someone to help you reach your full potential. I think I know a guy! By the way, I’ll need 1,000 dollars immediately.

Welton: Can I give you my watch as a down payment?

Silas: Fine, but only because I like you. Anyway, where were we? Oh right! I was interviewing you. Tell me, how long have you been a Ciphertologist?

Welton: Well, I suppose as of 5 seconds ago, but it already feels like much longer, Mr. Birchtree.

Silas: Please, call me “My Lord And Master.”

Welton: Yes, My Lord and Master. Do you have anything else to add before you go?

Silas: Only this, and I mean it sincerely: HAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA (cont’d)"

Transcript:

"LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN CULTS

[2 images]

Within a month, The Ciphertologists had taken City Hall, renamed Orchard Lake "BillVille" and began stockpiling weapons, human teeth, and multi-colored ball-pit balls from burger restaurants. Townsfolk began shaving their heads and inhaling helium to match the pitch of their leader's shrill charismatic voice, and would participate in "Dream-Ins" inviting Silas's muse "Bill Cipher" to "possess" of up to 30 of them at once, at which point they would often laugh in unison for hours. Construction began of the "Very Normal Giant Metal Portal" in the desert. Travel was banned coming in and out, even for medical emergencies since, as Silas explained, "pain is hilarious!" They began to expand, knocking on doors to spread "The Bad News."

[image]

FIG C: It was pretty easy to spot a Ciphertologist. Can you see what makes them stand out? That's right - their enthusiastic smiles!

[image]

FIG D: The "Golden Bastard" apple, grown only by Ciphertologists, reportedly "screamed" when you ate it."

Transcript: (this one is really weird to trascribe, so sorry if it's difficult to understand)

"THERE’S ONE “EYE” IN TEAM! Can you find it?

In Ciphertology, we encourage you to express your individuality, just like Silas does! That means strict conformity to his exact wardrobe, or else being sent to “The Hole.” You won’t like the hole!

KEEP AN EYE OPEN!

SHAVE A SPOT FOR BILL TO ENTER!

POSTURE

TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN! Order is a Trojan horse for chaos!

GREASE YOUR SHOES! Are you done? ADD MORE GREASE! And MORE!

(Image of two people in matching outfits doing Ciphertologist poses)

Pocket full of yummy glass!

Not pictured - The hot brand we will sear into your flesh. Which part of your body will we brand? It’s weirder than you think!

Did you know?: Therapy is a scam to keep you from the truth. Lean into your natural born mental illness to unlock your true potential!

GO DOOR TO DOOR! SPREAD THE JOY LIKE A DISEASE!

Follow this script to convert the non-billievers!

Hi! Do you have one minute to talk about the triangle who lives in your brain and has seen you naked? . YES → GOOD! The old gods are dead, and BILL ATE THEM! Dig it? . NO → Stare at them until they start crying.

Are you ready to accept him into your mind? . YES → (Continue script) . NO → Eat one of your own fingers in front of them. Don’t break eye contact.

Raise your arms and shriek a perfect E note in the 8th octave at 5,243 Hz. Their skull will shatter. Like a wine glass!

Great! Your new name is: ________________(SEE GUIDE TO CHOOSING CIPHERTOLOGY NAME PG 6) What size robe are you? __________________SEE YOU AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE! (Do Cipher Handshake, devour pamphlet, crawl away upside down)

WEIRDMEGEDDON IS COMING. WEIRDMEGEDDON IS COMING. WEIRDMEGEDDON IS COMING.

CIPHERTOLIGIST'S GUIDE TO DELIGHTSOMENESS, 1952"

Transcript:

"LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN CULTS

[image]

ABOVE: The Ciphertology “Brain Seismograph” or “BS” Meter had dials for “gullibility,” “financial liquidity,” “celebrity influence,” “herbs,” and “spices.”

The cult surged in popularity and influence. Silas’s motto “embrace today as if your town is going to be hit by a tornado in exactly 3 & a half years!” was infectious, and he immediately ended all crime by declaring that “everything is legal now!”

[image]

Soon the only unconverted local was unmarried town nag Emmaline Butternubbins. She was convinced there was something “not right” about the mysterious megalomaniacal cult leader. Her protests escalated to her distributing these home-made warning pamphlets to very annoyed children.

[image]

“Most people rejected Emmaline’s message. They hated her because she told the truth” —Emmaline, to her cat Bonbon."

Transcript:

"LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN CULTS

Conflict became inevitable. When Silas hijacked a local TV station to read an “erotic tale of two trapezoids,” Elk Glen filed a complaint with the FCC. Cipherologists retaliated by pouring 600 gallons of bubble solution in their drinking water. Soon the law became involved.

“Blrbl bll Tbllbl Ciphertobblblblblb” - Hurk Durnsley, Oak Glen City Council

The Cipherologists were ordered to return City Hall, dismantle the “Portal” they were building out of scrap metal and car parts, or face the full force of the Kansas State Troopers. The standoff lasted 13 days, with Silas and his die hard followers holed up in a waffle house chanting “TEETH” over and over again for reasons unknown. Silas was becoming increasingly agitated and erratic, blocking all radio and TV signals into town and ordering his followers to hurry construction of his mysterious metallic project. His body was also looking increasingly pale and desiccated, which he ascribed to his “fantastic diet” of eating nothing but “solid chunks of chlorine and ants.”

BILLVILLE DAILY NEWS June Billeteeth, Billtee-Fifty-Bill PORTAL NEARLY COMPLETE EVERYONE THRILLED, EVEN THE GOVERNMENT! (DO NOT TURN ON YOUR TELEVISION)"

Transcript:

"Finally Emmaline Butternubbins, enraged that no one liked her pamphlets, hurled a torch into the CipherTologists HQ, igniting the helium tanks, blasting out the windows and destroying Silas’s machine. Troopers opened fire as Silas’s followers held hands and began singing “WE’LL MEET AGAIN” in defiance. Silas, riddled with bullet holes, grabbed a megaphone, leapt atop the inferno, grinning wildly as he was engulfed in flame.

“YOU CAN’T KILL A MAN WHO’S ALREADY DEAD! IF YOU TAKE ME DOWN, I’LL BE BACK, MORE POWERFUL AND MORE ANNOYING THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE! REMMEBER- REALITY-”

At this point, Silas Birch Tree’s head fell off, flies swarmed from his mouth and he collapsed into a grey husk. A coroner declared Silas BirchTree dead for a second time. Black helicopters evacuated the site and the city was erased from all official records. Mrs Butternubbins was awarded the Medal of Honor, which she used as an ashtray.

On the Lighter Side “QUIRKY NEWS!” CULT DISBANDED, 9 DEAD Slow news day? Well we gotta fill these pages somehow! In an oddball story that’s definitely out there a remote Orchard Lake’s homespun cult committed a laundry list of heinous crimes. Trashed walls, buildings, and tank-wielding federal agents stormed the “Cipherologists” headquarters. The panic escalated as the “Cipherologists” leader offered everyone a bag of candy and destroyed the stockade on a rented lemon- but just gave everyone you love from the ability to express their emotions. We are out of terrible diarrhea. It is unclear if this was his intention or not. We are out of things to say in this piece, no one really cares what happens in Kansas."

Transcript:

"ONLY KNOWN PHOTO OF SILAS'S BODY, 1952"

Transcript: "LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN CULTS

Although BillVille has faded into urban legend, hidden remnants remain for those who know where to look. It is even said that there are straggling members out there, still holding out hope for Silas’s return.

(RIGHT: IRONIC T-SHIRT SOLD ONLINE)

In cults, this is a common phenomenon. Human beings are so hungry for a confident voice to guide them in an uncertain world, that they’ll follow anyone, even a madman, wherever he goes. Usually off a cliff.

But there was something different about Silas Birchtree. The more I research, the more of his predictions I’ve seen coming true. Recently I was going through old records when I found Silas’s final words, tucked away in a lost letter he wrote before the standoff, a message unseen until now.

His message was:

“At least this will make a fun chapter of your book, Donna!”

My name is Donna Rutherford. Yesterday, I was a Lutheran. As of today, I am a Ciphertologist.

[CODE]"

Code decoded: "YOUCANTKILLANIDEA"

[stabbyfoxandrew]

FINALLY IN TIME! I would love some vampdrew <3 - @jtl-fics

WIP Wednesday (8/14) | Vampire Andrew AU (Part 165)

“Yes. But the most interesting bit is what’s hiding in between pictures of you, Kevin.” Andrew says, making Kevin’s brows furrow. 

“What do you mean?”

“Raise your hand if you knew Neil’s been dying his hair,” Andrew says, making the other three gape. Aaron and Nicky share a look and Kevin just stares at him. “No one? Okay. Raise your hand if you knew he’s been using colored contact lenses this entire time.”

Kevin nearly chokes again. “What are you saying, Andrew? That—”

“I’m saying Neil is not who we think he is. Hell, I don’t even know who we thought he was,” Andrew says with a sigh. He’s human, he smells delicious, he’s not bad to look at. But, otherwise, he came from the middle of nowhere. He isn’t super talkative. And he does stare at Kevin a lot.

“This is crazy. You’re saying he’s pretty much wearing a disguise,” Aaron says.

“Exactly.” Andrew says, pointing at his brother. “And, there’s more. There’s a bunch of money in that bag of his, as well as what seems to be a coded message on a sheet of paper. I have no idea what it means. But it’s definitely intentional. Somehow…”

[oogaboogaspookyman]

THIS LITTLE SHORT FIC IS NOT REALLY CANON BE ADVISED. ALSO SUGGESTIVE BIT THAT TOO.

{MOVIE NIGHT}

Movie night! Best dating idea that Cassidy has ever come up with! Thanks Cass!

They, Kevin and Nex, are all cuddled up under the covers, spread about on the sofa, Kevin the human is munching on... Hopefully good, healthy, not deadly popcorn, even though it looks like meat... As they're watching a movie.

It's a wildly varied movie, having bits of action, romance, comedy, and absolutely well done horror– holy shit it gets spooky sometimes– and good god the score for this movie is incredible and creative! It's so good!

"This movie feels like it should be called Overstimulation: The Movie." Nex deadpanned out of nowhere, causing Kevin to nearly choke on his popcorn. "Nex!" He giggled.

"What? It's true." They have such a deadpan, resting bitch face tone of voice 24/7, and yet Kevin can't get enough of it. "It should be called that, it looks overstimulating."

"It's not that, i just almost choked on the popcorn! Heheheheh!"

"You find my one liners funny?" They gave a warm smile, getting Kevin to blush and melt in his embrace... Again. Yes, again. He melted once when they began the cuddle.

"yeaaa... yoursmileisalsogreat–" Nex heard the way Kevin spoke and wasted no time. "Do you like me that way~?"

Kevin squeaks in flustered surprise. "meep! UH! HMM! Focus on the movie, you!" Kevin playfully hit Nex, a swift and light smack on his cheek, as Nex chuckled at his reaction. "Alright alright, don't go hitting me now~"

As they continued watching the movie, Kevin thought back on the idea of this date. Cassidy is so smart! I can't thank her enough, they're enjoying this and i couldn't be more happy to see them like this!

Then came the slow realization as he thought back on Cassidy as a person. She has a certain personality trait that cannot be missed by anyone that talks to her and somehow, Kevin always dismisses it.

She said movie night as a code word for...

...

...

...

..!

SHE MEANT SEX HOLY SHIT????

His face grew redder and hotter than ever, what was once his usual bright skin tone became invaded by great amounts of blush, and the flesh became hot to the touch.

"You alright there, dude? Was i too much?" They spoke i'm a softer tone, deviating from the deadpan one in favour of Kevin's comfort.

It only made his situation worse. He blushes even harder.

"meep!" Was all the human could force out of his throat, now at a higher pitch.

"... Alright..?" Their eyes drift back to the TV screen and carefully dismiss Kevin's rather strange and sudden reaction with no reason.

They are sure something crossed his mind that caused him to blush as much... But they will not intrude on his business, like the good friend they are.

... At least, they hope they can remain friends... But there's this tension, this nagging feeling...

...

That's a problem for the future, for now, enjoy the present.

[end.]

[crossxworlds]

The Pocket Rift

A CrossXworlds story

© 2025 - Kevin W. Burke

Act 2 - Tryl

Episode 39

__________

When they approached the skies back over suburban Woodrock, where their apartment complex was, Aiani had her arms wrapped comfortably around Davin from behind, enjoying the ride. When they got within several blocks of the apartments, however, Davin turned away abruptly. Half a dozen drones patrolled the airspace around the complex. Two were surveillance, the others were armed.

“Camo!” He shouted. She pushed the button on her poncho sleeve while he did the same, tapping the left side toe pedal on the hoverboard as well. Blurring out, they peeled away, down into a nearby neighborhood.

“We'll have to stash the gear and go back in on foot,” Davin told her.

There was a house in the nearby neighborhood with a large lot in the back. Aiani’s elven eyes could make out that it was full of several rusted out vehicles and other detritus, with a rambling growth of wild blackberries choking it all. There was a gate at the back fence leading to the alleyway where they landed. Davin reached over the gate to unlatch it, and stashed his gear under a dirty tarp, including the rain ponchos. He'd clearly done this before. 

The rain started sprinkling again. Davin latched the gate closed, looking her over. 

He pointed at Aiani's ears. 

“What are we going to do about those?” He asked. “They'll get us extra scrutiny at the front gate.” 

Aiani realized she had felt completely natural with Davin all evening, practically forgetting she was an elf among humans while she was with him. But he was right. 

She pulled her enchanted pendant out from under her shirt and focused her will, invoking the illusion with the right pattern of taps. 

Davin was watching her through the entire process, but he was still startled when the illusion took effect, changing her appearance to a generic human approximation of herself. 

“Well that's, uh, something,” he remarked. “Impressive, but not your best look. You got ID to go with your outfit? They'll ask for it at the gate.”

Aiani pulled a little pouch out of her pocket and slid an ID card out. 

Davin took it from her, inspecting it, glancing back and forth between it and her humanized appearance. He passed it back. “Yeah, that should do. Is it chip active?”

“Should be. Spark said it should pass like a regular ID.”

“I guess we'll find out,” he said. “You got your Comm on you?”

Aiani pulled it from her other pocket. He held his hand out, waving his fingers towards him. “In case things go bad on the way in, we should be able to contact each other.”

Aiani suppressed a smile as she handed it over. Smooth.

Davin tapped on her screen, adding his Comm code and sending a message. A beep sounded from his pocket.

He handed her comm back, face neutral. He took out his comm. 

Aiani looked down at what “she” had sent him– what he had sent himself as if written by her:

“I might be a little crazy about you.” 

She scoffed, looking up to protest, but her comm buzzed.

She looked down. Davin’s reply:

“Or just crazy. Either way, I’ll take it.”

Aiani bit back a grin, pocketing her Comm before he could see.

By the time they stepped onto the street leading to the checkpoint, the rain was coming down in sheets. It was well past midnight, and they were both soaked through.

Aiani noted grimly how the entire block of houses near the apartment complex had been taken over by the Continental Guard. Armored Personnel Carriers lined the curbs; floodlights swung in slow arcs across the soaked pavement. She hadn't been through the checkpoint in days, and it had turned into a forward base in the meantime. Davin had been right to avoid it, earlier. 

Rain hammered the awning over the checkpoint booth.

Two privates in gray-black rain shells loitered behind a standing desk, half-shielded from the storm. Nearby, a squat Guard APC idled, its side lights sweeping the street. At the APC’s rear ramp, two soldiers were unloading Sentry Dog bots—new tech from NexusDynamics, recently repurposed for military contracts. Davin nudged Aiani, voice low. “That’s new.” Aiani shivered. The rumors Stormweaver had mentioned in Council were true after all.

__________

< Last Episode | Episode 1 | Next Episode >

[asiansatire]

Zuckerberg's Secret Superintelligence Lab

Meta’s $15 Billion Brainstorm: Zuckerberg Forms Secret Superintelligence Lab, Accidentally Invents Another Llama

By Staff Satirist, Bohiney.com — Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s ever seen a tech bro hallucinate on kombucha and power, Mark Zuckerberg has officially unveiled Meta’s plan to build "superintelligence." Not just intelligence. Not even artificial intelligence. But super intelligence. Because regular intelligence is for unpaid interns. According to secret WhatsApp messages leaked from a group called “Recruiting Party” (which tragically had no chips or guac), Zuckerberg is assembling 50 elite coders and thinkers, offering them nine-figure packages to join what he’s calling his “Fantastic Fifty.” The lab’s mission? To make AI that is smarter than you, your therapist, and probably your dog. Combined. “This is a historic moment,” said a Meta spokesperson who may or may not be a hologram. “Zuck doesn’t want to be God. He just wants to create something smarter than God. You know, for product optimization.”

The Cult of the Fantastic Fifty

Observers have noted that offering someone $100 million to stare at Python code is an excellent way to end capitalism as we know it. One anonymous tech recruiter put it plainly: “Nine figures? There’s no way that’s real. Is it lol?” Even the business press started choking on their caviar when they learned Meta spent more on Scale AI than they did acquiring WhatsApp. Which is wild, because WhatsApp actually works sometimes. Experts from ASU claim this “superintelligence” label is more branding than brainpower—comparing it to “gluten-free bacon” and “low-carb shampoo.” You can’t make a machine smarter than humans by naming it after a barnyard animal. That didn’t stop Meta from rolling out Llama 4, though—an AI model with the performance power of a Reddit thread moderated by goldfish. “What’s the deal with superintelligence? If humans are so great, why did Zuckerberg have to pay 50 people to think for him?” — Jerry Seinfeld

Llama Drama and the Behemoth Delay

Meta’s highly anticipated “Behemoth” model was quietly delayed. Probably because you can’t drop $15 billion into a machine and expect it to solve philosophy. Or even pronounce “Behemoth.” When asked about the delay, insiders say it had to do with "governance alignment concerns"—which is tech-speak for "nobody could agree on what button to push." Meanwhile, contractors from Scale AI—yes, the very same company Meta just dove into like Scrooge McDuck—are suing for psychological damage after being forced to label disturbing content. Because nothing says “future of intelligence” like “developed by traumatized freelancers and overseen by a 28-year-old kid with stock options.” “They delayed Behemoth—sounds less like AI and more like a WWE wrestler out with injury.” — Ron White “Meta could rename again—MetAIverse? At this rate, soon they’ll call it ‘Meta: Now With AI and Fries!’” — Jerry Seinfeld

Zuckerberg’s Hiring Philosophy: Get Smart or Get Rich

What do you get when you cross a billionaire, a God complex, and nine figures in recruiting money? Apparently, a superintelligence lab. Meta isn’t building this lab to compete with OpenAI, Google DeepMind, and Anthropic. It’s building it because the algorithms demanded it. The team is led not by a Nobel-winning scientist, but a young business operator from Scale AI. Why? Because when you’re investing $15 billion, it’s important to hire someone who understands the synergy of buzzwords. “They hired a biz guy to lead AI—what’s next? Hiring a plumber to fix particle physics?” — Sarah Silverman “Hiring a 28‑year‑old to lead superintelligence—because nothing says ‘wise beyond years’ like dropping out of MIT.” — Kevin Hart

Meanwhile, in Alternate Reality…

Let’s put things in perspective: Meta is spending more on this than on the GDP of Fiji, the Smithsonian, or any department with the word “ethics” in its title. And the ultimate goal? An AI assistant that can finally laugh at your dad jokes and mine your calendar for ad dollars simultaneously. Meta’s assistant already has over a billion users, but if you ask it to tell a joke, it usually just suggests a Vine from 2014. When asked if this was intentional, one developer whispered, “We trained it on Mark’s facial expressions.” “They already have a billion users—but ask them to delete your data, and they say ‘I can’t, Dave.’” — Trevor Noah “Superintelligence sounds ominous—but what if all it does is optimize ads?” — Amy Schumer

Fake Evidence, Real Laughs

Digital evidence: The leaked “Recruiting Party” WhatsApp chat confirms the team was assembled via group text. That’s how you know it’s serious. Testimonial evidence: Reddit users reacted with, “No way this is real,” which in tech circles counts as peer-reviewed feedback. Scientific deduction: If AI is made by humans, and humans are fallible, then AI is just a really fast mistake machine. Analogy: It’s like giving an 8-year-old a chainsaw and saying, “Be creative!” Social evidence: OpenAI, Google, and Amazon are all racing toward AGI. Meanwhile, Meta’s that kid at the science fair with a Tesla coil and no understanding of electricity. “Everyone’s racing to AGI—it’s like Black Friday for intelligence, except nobody’s lining up.” — Ricky Gervais

The Risks? Oh, Just Civilization Ending

Don’t worry! Meta’s team is very concerned about the existential threat of AI. They’re planning a PowerPoint presentation about it soon, followed by snacks. Critics have warned that consolidating too much power in too few models could lead to catastrophic misuse, disinformation, or even extinction. Zuckerberg’s response? “We’re open-sourcing Llama 3.” “They want AI smarter than humans—great, finally someone will understand my in-laws.” — Larry David “If the AI goes rogue, it might just refuse to serve ads—and that’s true rebellion.” — Bill Burr

Final Thoughts from the Machine-Obsessed Mind

Mark Zuckerberg has gone full supervillain and built a lab dedicated to beating humanity at thinking. Whether it leads to the Singularity or just another photo filter is unclear. But one thing’s for sure: the future is being coded by traumatized contractors, a 28-year-old CEO, and one guy who thought “Behemoth” was a pet name for his Tesla. “They dropped $15 billion—but my savings account can't even afford a Medium membership.” — Dave Chappelle “Meta’s AI assistant already has a billion users—but ask it to laugh, and it replies: ‘Haha… glitch.’” — Ali Wong

Conclusion: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

When all is said and done, Meta’s race for “superintelligence” may be less about solving the universe’s mysteries, and more about making your smart fridge finally understand your trauma. But if the AI wakes up one day, looks at humanity, and decides we’re not worth the compute power—well, that’s just another Zuckerberg feature we won’t be able to turn off. Auf Wiedersehen! Disclaimer: This article is a collaborative effort between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a dairy-farming philosophy major. No superintelligence was consulted, although one did try to unionize.

IMAGE GALLERY

Zuckerberg's Secret Superintelligence Lab

Zuckerberg's Secret Superintelligence Lab (2)

Zuckerberg's Secret Superintelligence Lab (3)

Zuckerberg's Secret Superintelligence Lab (4)

Zuckerberg's Secret Superintelligence Lab (1)

Superintelligence Lab (6)

Superintelligence Lab (7)

Superintelligence Lab (8) Read the full article

[catis15]

Watching the new mean girls

- NO DAD?!?!

- She wants to leave Africa???

- bitch excited to leave in this one I'm confused

- my gf and I are only watching this for the Regina tits

- watching this with our generation is hilarious, old mean girls was giving Disney this is giving actual HS so far 😂

- SHES EMBROIDERING IN CLASS POP OF

- 'care of myself' 😂😭😭😭

- AND CHOKING 😂😭😂😭

- OMG I LOVE THE GAY BITCHES SHIRT

- my three favorite colors with jaguars I WANT IT IT WOULD GO SO GREAT WITH MY MATCHING TRAPPER KEEPER :000

- my gf is so excited for Regina tits

- I love her necklace 💅

- Gretchen that blank stare is scaring me

- OK SRSLY I NEED JANICE'S ENTIRE GODAMN OUTFIT I STG PLSSS 😭

- old boy toy was cuter he's meh .

- THE OTHER FIRLS REACTION

- GURL STOP STOCKING HIM

- GURL STOP DANCING UR BEING CRINGE

- girl was almost Regina-ed

- Gretchen and Janice so me frfr

I had to stop to cook dinner but I shall be back

- Regina's top low-key cute tho

- love the lion/heyna paralell

- why is her bra showing sm 😭

- I mean good for her tbh but like

- she drives a jeep bitch gay

- my gf is gay panicking over this woman sm 😂

- bestiiiies

- that's a lot of pink

- is Regina choking himmmm

- I want to be an art therapist once im done with medical research 🥲

- she's so real like gurl I can't comfort u bish 😭

- 'mama called me beautiful I don't believe her anymore' 😭😭😭😭 baby girl noooo

- hetero alyship 😭

- she's not wrong about Halloween

- girl don't be so gullible

- boy don't follow her

- stupid stupid horny boy

- my gf is no better ATM 😂😂😂

- THEY WERE EVERYTHING 😭

- it's yes Katty not yes bitch 😭

- tho can confirm if say yes bitch or yes queen or he's gurl 😶

- girl code my ass girlcodr this bitch

- poor girl just selling candy canes 😂😭

- poor Gretchen 🥹

- those juicy added details

- love how she just closes the door 😶

- REGINA U DIDN'T

- it's not babiesh and this was not in the original 😭

- is my guy singing in French 👁️👄👁️

- he got a voice tho

- Kevin's parents 🥹

- the insurance so rl

- babydoll Gretchen noooo 😭

- her mom lmaoooo 🤣🤣🤣

- oh nuuuuu girl needs thigh day more than ever poor babes

- that's just unprofessional 🤣😭

- as a red head yes ty ty we are superior

- guuuurl her eyeshadow slays sm

- the lighting symbolism slays tbh

- owie

- her ass fine tho

- he was so passive aggressive

- awe he said her name right

- boy likes being dominated too much

- awee

- boy defend yourself that's right!!!

- uh ooooh

- he's in the thiiin I forgot what it's called but omg it's not even a caaaar 🤣😭😭😭

- as an art kid this huuurtssss

- And I want my pink shirt 🤣😭

- ughshajaj the lighting in this movie 😫

- damn she had a point she was nice to Katty and maybe she's just used to being used 🥹

- it's the boob bounce for me

- it's the tittly slap for me 😭

- I miss the animal music and narration during this scene won't lie

- the fannnn

- preaaach about the period sister 😭

- I forgot they are together

- teachers talking faaacts

- I LOVE THIS SONG I SANG ALONG OBVIOUSLY

- ugh those pants and that top I needed them

- play that guitar sweet pea

- ofc my fave song is sung by the artistic lesbian

- and dayum it ended with a bang

- we pulling out the wench card now?! :0

- ope this isn't how it happened in the movie she don't just confess does she??? It's been awhile

- and technically she didn't write it the other two did

- she nicer than me frfr

- OMG it's the dude mean girls 😂❤️

- where do ik her frommm

- the original oml also that new Irish movie

- not the grilled cheese 😂😭

- THIS HAS ONLY HAPPENED ONCE BEFORE 😭😭😭😭🥰🥰

- BITCH STFU

- support ur fellow gals

- HUNNY I DONT KNOW YOUR LIFE

- Girls so neurodivergent I don't take criticism

- welcome to science waaars she's so the math section ✨

- pop off gretch

- gurl u look pretty in that jacket yellow and blue ur colors

- bitch is a compliment goddamit

- WHY DOESN'T HE HAVE A SHIET ON 😭

- a buss pushed me 😂

- I'd think u have to give a speech too NGL lmao

- his gasp

- she's so suped up on pain meds 😂😭

- no vaping and give me that inhaler 😂😭

- factttts u two mwah mwah

- damnn that was a good ending but I wish they would've included the first one with it

[the-invisible-queer]

Had a siblings game night

Filled them in on Nick's choking kink

Conversation went like this:

Me: did y'all know Nick has a choking kink *shows them the clip*

Older brother: *looks at Josh* you got a choking kink?

Josh: like being choked or choking someone else?

SIL: Nick is the one to do the choking, Joe definitely likes getting choked

Older brother: *looks at me* do YOU have a choking kink?

Me: 👀 maybe...I don't know but the idea intrigues me

Older brother: I don't have a choking kink

Me: that's why you're Kevin coded

When I tell you we project ourselves onto these fucking dweebs and have been for 17 years 🤣

[whysojiminimnida]

All Right Bitches Let's Talk About Those Gay Peace Signs

I have spent some time on this and have consulted with my personal Board of Queer Directors: The ubiquitous Kevin From Itaewon, his boyfriend X, my best butch lesbian GMoney, a drag queen who goes by Ralph, and my enbyqueer friend Logan. I am the straightest person in this conversation okay and that... well. We are not here talking about me today. I sent out a whole random shit-ton of pics. I had text conversations and phone calls and even a come-over-here-look-at-this session or two. We looked. And the upshot is... This is not a gay peace sign. This is a "you're taking a picture I am doing a thing" sign. These are peace signs being done by a gay (probably) man in a not-especially coded way.

In this picture we have no peace signs but all the gay. There is no actual coding going on but there is no real question either, unless your question is about whether one Jeon Jungkook is going to choke or swallow (behave yourselves). And also whether any of us are meant to survive the Namtiddies:

Now, this picture has peace signs but they are not queer-coded peace signs, they're just taking a picture peace signs. The only queer coding going on here is, as above, coming from the Jeon-Park household. It was unanimous that jikookery was being actively and explicitly jikooked that day. Although Ralph and Kevin both thought Yoongi might have something to say, and to quote G-Money "I'd date that pretty girl in the silver shirt if she wasn't already halfway gay for that thumbs-up chick"... she likes Texas Red Dirt Country music and 80s hair bands. I don't know what you want me to say.

Now, the next two pics were unanimously agreed upon by my panel of flaming experts. And the agreement was that there is very likely some coding, or telegraphing to use KFI's words, going on:

Ralph will tell you that he is a power bottom's power bottom and he is not wrong, he makes a living on it. And he thought this picture was super interesting. Because I really didn't get it. I mean, I GET IT OKAY I get the body language and the eyefucking and the possessive shit. And after this morning's Bangtan Bomb I get it even harder. But Ralphie said that... "Okay these bitches fucking but just in case we didn't know they were a couple and thought they were just hooking up, Jungkook really wants to make it clear here that they are together." And I'm like "the fuck dude to me it looks like Jimin is all up on his dick with the bedroom eyes" and he goes, "Yeah. Looks like it, right. But where are their hands. Who's staring down the camera. Who's flashing the We're Here We're Queer Get Used To It Hand Signal very deliberately, held out in front of him so you don't miss that his other arm is pulling his boy in close to him?" Ralph had really strong feels about this picture. KFI and the rest of 'em had strong feelings about this one:

We have so much going on here. Finger Guns Jin and Thumbs Up Yoongi and a little of the Namjoon version of the Shoulder Grip on Tae, and none of that apparently means dick to the gay boys and girl and them but my whole board of queerectors all said that this is what a queer coded peace sign photo looks like. SO I'M LIKE WHY EXPLAIN THIS TO ME I NEED TO KNOW. And they said, it's because you can't JUST use a peace sign as code in the absence of anything else. For one thing there is apparently a thing with the thumb and ring finger that is sometimes deliberately used in a coding way. But. There have to be other signals. Taken in combination, we have angled hips together, arms around each other (everyone always wants to know where Kookie's other hand is) and the unabashed camera staredown = HI WE'RE GAY AND TOGETHER PLEASE BE AWARE, apparently. Okay. I mean, I can see it when you put it like that. Kev says this shot is heavily coded and I was like "naahhhh really" and he was like "yes bitch really":

And I said well, it's a professional shoot, we don't know if they were asked to do them or if they dressed themselves, I mean we kinda do, they apparently chose the outfits. But KFI and X both said look, you go to dress two Korean straight men in couple fits they are not gonna be that calm about it. Like, protests would be made. But protesting is not what is going on here. They like their clothes, they like each other, they like looking like a couple BECAUSE GUESS WHAT and just in case they are gonna look sexy/possessive and happy/leaning into each other about it. OKAY OKAY DAMN. No need to assault me over here. They also mentioned the ring finger touching the thumb thing again. So I guess that's part of how one tells if a peace sign *means* something, I guess. And when I start looking at pics, well. Interesting. I don't know what it is about ring fingers. Hmmm. One of them has Jimin's name on it though.

Ooohhh, shoulder grip peace sign with the thumb and ring finger all posed properly, I wonder what it could mean when a gay couple acts gay in front of a camera, could they be trying to tell us something? /sarcasm The upshot of this entire educational journey for me is that peace signs in and of themselves are only helpful if you are also picking up the other stuff that is being put down for you. Like, they're fine, clue us in a lil bit if you can't like kiss or something. But if you're gay and in the closet and you just want people to be absolutely sure and your hand on your man's ass isn't getting it done, well look no further than your trusty peace sign.

[shaunsummers]

Tek's Birthday!

"Dude...you're serious?" Rebel's smile only widens at all this suddenly being placed in her lap. It was also just delightful to hear Tek talk about anything nerdy; whether a short burst or full on tangent. Even if she didn't understand what every word meant. "Yeah, fuck it. Let's do it!" Like there was a reason not to at this point. Tek was confident in being able to handle the computer stuff that Rebel surely couldn't touch even if she tried; and she had. It made her feel like her head was going to explode.

"You're giving them far too much credit." Lilith asserts, idly draining the hot water into the sink. The wild parties of the past, oh, she remembered well. Chances were high for a fight, some slutty pair hooking up, something getting broken, etc. She was willing to put money on it. Actually, that was a great idea. "...I have a thought." Placing the pot aside, Lilith leans back against the counter as she taps her chin with the tip of her finger. "Why don't we place bets?"

While the change of subject was welcomed and relieving, Siren didn't want to end their impromptu conversation on an awkward note. In the background, however, she was still trying to process Beatrix's words. Shaun was only fifteen or sixteen when her and Ash were together, very young to go through anything she, herself, just walked out of. The fighting, manipulation, the constant need for dominance. Siren wasn't aware of her age, either, until they lived together. There was...one hell of a gap between those two. Thinking about it again now, with a sense of sobriety and distance, it curled at her stomach.

"You're offering your boob blunt?" Discarding the potential mind trap in earnest, Siren flashes her a smile in humor. "I'm honored." Still, she was already holding her pen but decides to have a small hit as an appetizer for what was surely a heavily packed joint. "So, how has the life of Beatrix been since graduating?" Steering the topic in a completely different direction was an easy choice. One that would hopefully clear the stiff air between them. Though, she was genuinely curious about her in general.

-------------------

"Of course I'm serious! I'm kinda surprised you haven't done it already!" Tek beams warmly, eagerly soaking in her excitement. "It may take me a minute to figure out how to set it up, but I can't start throwing your name around until school starts again, anyways! I'm sure the syntax is a bit different since it's coding visuals rather than physical output on a circuit board, but I'm sure it's gotta be similar. Just a sequence of formulas chaining together to do a thing, so if I figure out what those are, I can start slapping them together. And I'm sure existing code is out there somewhere, so I might not even have to do most of it from scratch, anyways..."

Tek finally surfaces from her brain vomit, catching a flash of Rebel's slightly glazed and confused look, and laughs bashfully. "...I'll figure it out. But yeah, I'm in!" She felt the sudden urge to hug Rebel in her enthusiasm. What was this, a quasi-business partnership? Of sorts? A handshake seemed gauche, at least for them. Meh, I'm doin' it! Tek leans forward with a big smile, scooping her close for a big squeeze. "It's a deal!"

"Bets?" Shaun laughs, folding her arms in curiosity. "On what, exactly?"

Quinn could already see where this was going, and hell yeah she wanted to be involved. "Like a fantasy football thing? Betting Kevin McHuge Pecs runs 300 yards? But instead, like, Rebel's slutty ass makes out with 3 people or Devin punches someone in the boob?"

"Take it while it's hot." Relaxing under the mitigated tension, Beatrix wastes no time striking the end of the blunt and letting that whole subject pass. "If your tolerance is low, be careful. I do not pack these lightly." She cricks a smile, the smell easily and strongly choking the patio air.

"I'm still living with my dad, but I go to Commonwealth in Richmond. In the business program. I hate it, but if we have to live in a capitalist shithole, I want a decent piece of the power." Beatrix exhales in humor, taking a hit of the sneaky cigar before passing it along. "Most of my classes are online, so I only go in two days a week. And on weekends, if I don't work. I do burlesque at Fallout. It's fun, and a little extra money since I'm only part time."

[psych0midget]

Bookshop AU

Andrew had thousands of followers.

He wasn’t sure how it had started. He was the owner of a small independent bookstore and he regularly hit the gym. Nothing more, nothing less.

Or at least, that’s what his life mainly consisted of before Moriyamas opened a store right in front of his one. Moriyamas was one of the major book retailers in the USA, wherever it opened a store, the other bookshops of the area closed. Andrew’s own shop didn’t stand a chance. 

That’s where Roland came in. It was just an off-handed comment, nothing anybody sane would ever take into account. But Andrew could not afford to close his shop, he had to pay the tuitio for Aaron’s med school. 

Roland said: you’d definitely sell more books if you showed your abs to your costumers. The fact that Roland had said that while he was feeling Andrew up in the storeroom of Eden’s didn’t matter. 

What Andrew did: he created an Instagram page. It was called ABS (AndrewsBookStore, you pervs). He posted photos of himself. And his books. The fact that he was often shirtless or wearing a skin-tight black t-shirt that showcased his muscles was secondary. 

The descriptions under the photos mainly consisted of his book recs. Short. A bit caustic, but straight to the point. He never forgot to add a discount code. Any customer that walked into the store would get a 20% discount on the book Andrew had promoted if they showed him the ig photo and the code before paying. The fact that the words he used as codes were frequently outrageous just made the whole thing more fun. 

Surprisingly, his ig page took off. Not only did he gain thousands and thousands of followers, but his revenue triplicated.

Nicky became a permanent fixture in the shop. Once an occasional aid during Christmas time, now he efficiently manned the register. Nicky flashed smiles at costumers who showed him Andrew’s photos to get a discount and was patient with those who blushed and stammered when asked to say the code word.

He had also hired Kevin, his roommate. And makeshift photographer who helped Andrew taking photos for Instagram. He’d probably have to hire someone else before November. But that was okay. The shop would not close.

The only price he had to pay was having to wear a tank top at work.

-

Neil was a simple bookshop clerk. At Moriyamas in Palmetto.

He loved books. A lot. Or else he wouldn’t work in a bookstore. And yet he hated the job. Hated the competitive work environment. Hated his boss Riko. Hated how things had changed since Kevin had left.

Pity that he needed the money. 

One of the very few highlights of his days was the costumers. In particular, the costumers who mistook Moriyamas for ABS (they were both on Fox Avenue, but Moriyamas was at number 32 while ABS was at 23) and showed him one of the photos and said the discount code. 

The first time it had happened, Neil had no idea what to do. An old lady had shoved her phone right into his face. On the screen a photo of a good looking blond man reading a book.  He was lying on a bed, his face half covered with a copy of TSOA. The arm that was not holding the book was raised above his head, his well toned bicep on display. Neil knew his face was turning red. Redder than the cover of TSOA the costumer was brandishing.

Neil still had no idea what was going on, especially not when the lady started saying lewd words she claimed were the discount codes.

He called Jean for help. Jean calmly explained to the old lady that she was in the wrong bookshop, ABS was down the road, on the left.

Neil, who barely even knew what Instagram was before Jean told him, went home and downloaded the app. Created a profile and went looking for ABS’s account. 

He found the photo the old lady had showed him that morning, the one with TSOA. Neil was a good liar but he rarely lied to himself. He could admit he noticed that Andrew’s t-shirt had ridden up a bit. He could admit he noticed the slip of exposed skin on his hip. He could admit he stared at it for almost half an hour. (Which was unusual to say the least) 

Another thing Neil enjoyed were the book recs. Andrew Minyard had good taste and he knew what he was doing. He promoted both new books and classics, he put trigger warnings on them, his book recs were short and funny, his dark humour made Neil crack quite a few smiles. 

Neil followed Andrew’s page and went to sleep. 

In the following days Neil got more than one costumer mistaking Moriyamas for ABS. 

Riko was getting tired of it. Instead of wiping out the competition, the Moriyamas shop of Palmetto struggled. And they struggled against a “stupid decrepit bookshop owned by a psychotic midget on steroids”. These were Riko’s words. 

Neil had no idea how he ended up filming videos where he recced books while exercising. And wearing shorts. Oh and uploading them on Instagram. 

Actually, he knew how he ended up doing that. It had something to do with Riko threatening to lay him off.

Moriyamas was copying ABS’s strategy and Neil was the unwilling accomplice.

Unsurprisingly, Neil quickly gained many followers. With the money Riko had invested in sponsoring his account, well, it was inevitable. 

Neil was waiting for the day Riko would tell him to start wearing shorts at work (it took exactly 11 days and “Neil’s Legs” trending on twitter after he uploaded one of his videos) 

Surprisingly, people followed him also for his book recs. He received hundreds of messages from people thanking him for the awesome books they read because of him. And in return they gave him other book recs. After all, Neil was happy with his Instagram.

Even more surprisingly, ABS (Andrew fucking Minyard) followed him.

-

Andrew was not sure why he followed Neil Josten.

Rationally, he knew he needed to keep an eye on the Moriyamas. He needed to do it for his own bookshop and for Kevin’s sanity. And that’s why he followed Josten.

His treacherous mind said it was also because Josten’s book recs were awesome. And so were Josten’s thighs. He’d be happy to be choked by them and suc- Wait, no. No. No. Let’s not get there. 

Let’s start over again. His treacherous mind said it was also because Neil’s book recs were awesome. Damn him. Andrew had read some of the books Josten suggested just for the sake of it. He hoped they’d be shit, but fuck, Josten knew what he was doing. 

Nevertheless, not much changed. Josten’s blog, or rather, the Moriyamas’ wasn’t a problem for Andrew. ABS was still doing great. Admittedly, Moriyamas’ discounts were higher than ABS’, but Andrew now had a number of loyal regular customers. His account was still doing great. 

One night Nicky made him rewatch Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightly for the umpteenth time. The following day Andrew also reread book and decided to promote it. Who said he only had to talk about new releases on his account? 

In the photo Pride and Prejudice was artfully placed (or so Kevin said) on his bicep. In the description box he said that P&J was the Classic par excellence, the Classic TM and that he hoped Jane Austen could forgive him for the photo.

Two days later Andrew was casually scrolling through instagram when he saw it. In the new video Josten was promoting Wuthering Heights.  Because “people who say Pride and Prejudice is the best classic really have no taste”. The video featured Josten and a punch bag. It was gloriously rich in close ups of Neil’s butt.

This is how the cold war between ABS and Moriyamas began. 

Andrew replied with Fight Club. The description said “Recommended for jocks who like throwing punches for no reason at all. The favourite book of white men TM who think they are Brad Pitt, but actually have the emotional depth of a spoon. Read at your own risk”. 

Neil replied with The Catcher in the Rye. In the video he was doing squats. And panting into the microphone. Andrew might be wrong because he was too busy looking at Neil’s stupid face, but he was pretty sure Josten said something like “perfect if you’re looking for a book where the protagonist is a self-absorbed entitled brat” and “the true favourite book of white men TM”. 

The video ended with “psa, if you ever meet someone who says that this is their favourite book, run.” And then Josten winked. He winked. 

Fans quickly started noticing what Andrew and Neil were doing. Some talked about rivalry between bookshops, others inevitably started shipping them. 

And yet Neil and Andrew kept their videos going on. They argued which book of Neil Gaiman was the best and which vampire saga the worst. It was a photo of Andrew lifting stacks of books. And then it was a video of Neil doing squats balancing a pile of books on each hand.  It was Josten saying Aristotle & Dante was his favourite lgbtq+ book and Andrew answering that he’d never read it, but it couldn’t possibly be better than TSOA.

Andrew would never say it out loud but it was fun. He was having fun.

Andrew still suspected Josten kept on replying to his recs just to promote Moriyamas. Nothing more, nothing less. It was probably Riko who told him what to rec. Josten was a puppet.

Andrew should’ve known. But when Neil started reccing shitty books, Andrew was still a bit disappointed.

Week after week, the quality of Josten’s recs lowered. He was promoting mainstream books (but not the good mainstream books) and influencers’ rubbish biographies. 

He was about to unfollow his blog when Josten slipped into his DMs.

What the message said: I cannot accept the fact that you haven’t read Aristotle & Dante yet. When’s your next shift at the shop? 

What Andrew did: sent him his work schedule. Like an idiot who’d never had a mum telling him not to divulge personal info to strangers on the internet. Oh no wait- Andrew hadn’t.

What Neil did: walked into Andrew’s shops with a copy of A&D and a cup of coffee. Placed them on the counter in front of Andrew, smiled and left. 

Andrew could’ve complained that the coffee was too bitter and- who even gifts books to someone who owns a bookshop? He could’ve complained, but he was too busy staring at the post-it on the book. 

“Hire me before Riko makes me rec Fifty Shades of Gray xx” 

That that afternoon Andrew walked into Moriyamas with a copy of a random book in his hands. The post-it on its front cover said “You start tomorrow at 9. Don’t be late.” 

With Neil’s videos and Andrew’s photos, ABS’ account (unsurprisingly) became one of Instagram’s most popular book accounts. Andrew’s bookshop became so popular he managed to buy the Palmetto Moriyamas shop after their sales plummeted and they were forced to close the store. 

As concerns Neil and Andrew. Well. Their relationship would still be secret if Kevin -who still managed the ig account- didn’t accidentally post the wrong video. 

It was supposed to be a video of Andrew doing squats with Neil sitting on his shoulders and reading a book. 

The video that got posted to ABS’ 3 million followers instead featured Neil sitting on Andrew’s shoulders and laughing so much he lost his balance. He was about to fall to the ground when Andrew caught him in his arms and Neil, who hadn’t stopped laughing for a second, kissed him on the tip of his nose.

[ironmandeficiency]

beach please

pairing: rex / reader / cody

word count: 6166

summary: once the war ended, you retreated to scarif for much-needed time to recenter yourself. rex and cody worry when you don’t answer your comms for days and leave coruscant to find you, fearing the worst. turns out you’ve just been drinking and partying, now sporting two new tattoos.

a/n: the self-created duke of scarif is jimmy buffett & i was inspired by his song “margaritaville” & “beach please” by kevin fowler. 

canon changes: everyone listened to fives abt the chips & palps was discovered to be a sith lord. the clones were given human rights, a generously low locked-in rent if they lived on coruscant, and as much back pay as the republic could afford (not much but better than nothing).

“master y/l/n, there’s still so much to be done-”

“and you can have someone else do it. you must not be capable of recognizing the importance of reevaluating the way we interpret the code, or else this conversation wouldn’t be occurring.”

obi-wan blanched at the barely tamed fury radiating from your force signature. this was the second time in less than a year that he felt something so raging from your force signature, the time before this meeting being the aftermath of umbara. before the nightmare that was the siege on the shadow planet, it had been decades since you were angry enough about something to raise your voice to the council. it took a very great transgression to ignite your anger into something scathing and this meeting was doing exactly that.

the council was meeting to discuss the senate’s plans to have the jedi spearhead efforts to repair the galaxy and quell the revolts in areas that still wanted to continue the war. palpatine was manipulating both sides and if it weren’t for fives and kix, the republic would have been none the wiser when chancellor palpatine executed the order to have the clones murder their jedi.

“how are we going to guide the galaxy through the changing times if we’re unable to reevaluate our own beliefs and how the war impacted them? so many of our padawans were raised in this war, far different than how they should have been brought up.” your mind drifted to ahsoka and late-night conversations spent trying to make sense of the reality of war and how she’d been nothing but a soldier since she left the temple at fourteen. “the senate is not our responsibility nor our lead authority. we were their pawns once and despite seeing the consequences on geonosis, we let ourselves get wrapped in politics. think of what we lost because of it.”

eeth koth was deeply disturbed by your entire demeanor as well as the words spilling from your lips. if there was ever a jedi that made you want to leave the order, he’d be it. douchebag. “our duty is to the galaxy, to maintain peace! you can’t expect us to sit back and do nothing when people are struggling!”

obi-wan shared your sentiment but strived for more unity than polarization within the meeting. “but aren’t we struggling just as much as the rest of the galaxy? time must be allotted for us to heal the wounds of war before we’ll be able to successfully help others that are suffering, if that’s what’s agreed upon.” a few jedi nodded their agreement, masters plo and gallia among them. shaak looks close to being convinced but seems to still be hesitant to comment on her opinion.

“in order to help the galaxy, we must help ourselves. our emotions must be looked into with more than just the intent to throw them away at a moment’s notice. knowing why we feel the things we do can help us with far more than just our connection to the force.”

this was an idea that obi-wan has spent many years struggling with but it took the end of the war to guide him into believing that emotions aren’t the enemy, it’s how they’re utilized that counts. he explained this concept to his fellow council members and it was a sentiment you agreed with immensely.

saese scoffs at the mere idea of doing more with emotions besides dispelling them into the force. “that sounds a lot like allowing your emotions to cloud your judgement, master kenobi, something your lineage is quite popular for-” oh he crossed the line. saese was not about to talk shit about your creche mate and closest friend or his lineage and get away with it.

“no need to pardon my language, master, but it sounds a lot like you’re allowing your own emotional shortcomings and the bantha fodder you call intelligence to cloud your judgement.”

even mace was stunned at the verbal jab that came from your seat. kit had been mid-drink and it took him several seconds to recover from the way he choked on his water. you were normally calm and collected, a voice of reason amid the chaos. this time, however, you were at your limit. this was your cue to leave.

mace spoke up as you neared the door. “y/l/n, where do you think you’re going?”

“i’m going to heal and allow myself to enjoy the peace we gave nearly everything to obtain. if you want to join me, feel free to let me know.”

your robes billowed out behind you as the council meeting dissolved into chaos. you were convinced that if your seat was close enough to master yoda’s that you’d be sporting a few new gimer stick bruises. thank the force for the little things.

later that evening, you boarded your personal ship and set the coordinates for scarif. that was the perfect place to go as a jedi that didn’t want to be found by anyone that they didn’t fully trust. who would think to find a monk on a planet filled with booze, sex, and other carnal pleasures? a few comms were sent telling the recipients that you were going on vacation and to call if you were needed, giving them a new private commlink and vague hints at where you’d be.

scarif, here i come.

“she hasn’t commed us in nearly a week! what reason is there to not worry?”

“rex, she would have called us if there was something wrong.”

“you know as well as i do that there are still radical seppies trying to keep the war going. the kidnapping of a jedi would surely be cause to fight!”

cody sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. he conceded that you ignoring their comms was highly unusual, yes, but you weren’t the type to throw yourself heedlessly into danger like some of the other jetti they knew (cough cough, skywalker and kenobi). “no one in their right mind is going to think to look for a jedi on scarif, the place is too carefree and without a permanent stuck up its shebs.”

rex knew there was a valid point to the statement. he vaguely recollects general kenobi’s mild yet humorous complaints about the “uncivilized, booze-blooded” inhabitants of the beach planet. general skywalker’s only problem with scarif, it seems, was the fact there was sand nearly everywhere, the drunks and constant parties posing no issue to the younger jedi. the reason for his disdain of sand was never expanded upon.

“i’m still going to look for her, feel free to come with.” they were free men who had no one to report to, no one telling them where they could go or when to eat and sleep, so of course rex was going to look for you. with this newfound freedom cody and rex moved into a middle-level apartment together, nothing too fancy but quite a contrast to their former living spaces under the gar.

rex chose to join the police force on coruscant and quickly climbed the ranks, excelling in every task thrown at him. he was a force to be reckoned with, crime rates dropping rapidly within his first month.

cody hasn’t made a new career choice yet, the commander still trying to find his own path. he had tried his hand on the police force but he quickly realized it wasn’t his cup of tea and left rex to it. he’s helping with groceries and other living costs with his back pay despite rex’s protests for him to put it to better use (what better use is there for credits than helping you survive day to day? that’s what they’re made for).

they were given a ship by general skywalker -anakin, rex’s mind supplied; he had corrected them many times about not using the rank- that the man had modified himself because he “wouldn’t want any friends of mine flying around the galaxy in a piece of junk.” apparently any sort of ship/speeder/droid/anything not built and/or modified by the man was inferior in nearly every imaginable way. it was a kind and meaningful gesture that anakin was willing to go to such lengths to protect them, no matter how unnecessary. the war was over after all, there was no need to have blaster attachments on their civilian speeder.

“like i’m gonna leave you to your own devices, di’kut. of course i’m going with.”

“you better hurry and pack, i’m planning on leaving no later than 1800.”

sitting in the reclined beach chair with two margaritas, you haven’t enjoyed yourself this much in a long time. the togrutan brother and sister you met soon after your arrival had become dear friends in your two months on scarif, the three of you becoming a trio commonly seen hitting the best parties all over the planet. miek wasn’t as much of a party animal in comparison to his sister briel who was known for her wild drunken antics.

you had been there and lived in your small ship for a total of two days before they offered you a place with them. no one lived alone on scarif, they said, and it would be wrong to let you continue to be deprived of the peace the waters brought when it was lulling you to sleep.

meeting the duke of scarif during your first week planetside was quite an exhilarating experience, to put it briefly. duke buffett was an older man with hair as white as the sands he loved to party on day and night, one hand perpetually occupied by a drink and a guitar strapped to his back. he was known to play and sing during the parties he attended, his carefree attitude evident in his voice.

although no one would have guessed by looking at him, he was a fierce conservationist who would either have his guards fight anyone caught littering or, if drunk enough, would fight them himself. you’ve held him back a time or two when he clearly wasn’t in shape to do said fighting and helped ease the situation back to a fun normal.

now you weren’t a heavy drinker by any means, but your tolerance was better than most because of your connection to the force.  this made you a favorite drinking buddy to many of the planet’s permanent inhabitants and tourists. of these numbers was the duke himself whom you would sometimes humor by opening drinks with your lightsaber. it was a splendid game that won you diplomatic immunity (apparently he can do that) on the planet after two weeks of jedi party tricks and fight-preventing.

time had become even more of a social construct than you had believed it to be before the war. there were parties going on at all hours of the day and night and the concept of solitude was forgotten. everyone here extended a hand to each other, friend or not-yet friend (there were no strangers on scarif, just friends you haven’t made yet). what little pain felt was carried by all until it was so faint that it seemed to heal itself. the waters healed, you had no doubt in your mind.

the sun was high in the sky when the ship landed next to yours behind your current residence. you were, of course, not home to know where it landed but you did see said ship flying overhead as you relaxed on a blanket next to briel and miek. maybe they were lost, but you had confidence that someone on the island would help them in what they need. this was the way of scarif, after all.

you were distracted by the drinks in both of your hands, alternating sips between the two. you were outfitted in a flowy summer dress that had ridden up a smidge too high while you were lounging on a reclined beach chair. briel was rubbing - lotion? sunscreen? - something on your exposed thighs as you relaxed, enjoying the way the breeze felt on the moisturized skin.

this was the best decision you’ve ever made, coming to scarif. eventually you were going to leave, yeah, but that was a problem for future you. for now, you were going to enjoy the endless sunshine and copious amounts of alcohol that aided in your relaxation.

they had seen the docking bay protruding into the sky like a gundark among loth-cats and decided instantly that you weren’t going to be there. you had told them ages ago that the vibes (you used that word a lot to describe force things to them) that came from industrial buildings bothered you terribly. something along the lines of wearing on your psyche, if they remembered correctly. instead, they flew a little lower than they probably should have to search the ground for where you landed your ship.

it took longer than they would have liked it to, but your ship was eventually found behind a medium-sized hut not too far from one of the many beaches. cody found just the right angle to land next to it and not hurt either shuttle, not trusting rex to touch the controls (his vod was a terrible pilot).

both men decided that even if scarif was a peaceful planet, they still didn’t know what to expect, so they equipped themselves with their blasters and lower armor before leaving their ship. first order of business: check to see if you were in your ship. if you weren’t, they could cross that bridge when they got there.

just as they were beginning to open the ramp, a man emerged from the hut and began to storm their way. he was togrutan, with yellow skin and lavender stripes on his lekku and montrals.

“hey! you two! what’s your business with that shuttle?” he sounded like he was ready to fight them about the ship, which worried the brothers, but he slowed his advance when he noticed the two blasters pointed in his direction. good, this guy wasn’t a complete di’kut.

cody was the first to lower his weapon, quick to take the diplomatic approach. rex followed suit but didn’t soften the intimidating stare he threw at the man. there was a reason your ship was there and they were going to stop at nothing to find out why. “we’re looking for a friend of ours, she hasn’t answered our comms in over a week and we were worried, it isn’t like her to not reply. last we talked to her she was here on scarif.”

the togrutan paused for a moment, inspecting the appearances of the men (clones, his mind told him, the telltale armor and near identical faces hiding nothing) in front of him.

the blond had an air of confidence about him, an almost dangerous sort of confidence. his armor was painted with a shade of blue that was pleasantly similar to the waters he just returned from, pieces of it chipped from what he supposed were rough times in battle. his jaw was set, hand hovering above where he holstered his weapon seconds before.

he didn’t appear to be bloodthirsty, just protective; who he wanted to protect, however, was still a mystery. there was a passion in his eyes that wasn’t even mildly held back. he seemed to be skilled in channeling that passion into his every thought, every action. with a note to himself to not get on this man’s bad side, he switched his focus on the blond’s companion.

miek’s gaze shifted to the other clone and quickly decided that he liked this one better. there was an extremely intimidating scar along the side of his face, yet this one seemed far less willing to shoot him on sight. he still has a grit and presence about him that told miek that this one wouldn’t hesitate to fuck your shit up if need be, but he had tact (thank the stars one of the clones had a sense of discretion).

he could tell that this one had some sort of authority over the blond, clearly serving as a high percentage of the other’s common sense. miek’s mind, after analyzing the men thoroughly, gives names for the men before they introduce themselves. “you must be the famed rex and cody! come, i’ll take you to the shoreline!”

he gestured for them to follow him and was genuinely shocked when instead of doing as he suggested, he was tackled to the ground. miek spit away everything that had gotten into his mouth, unable to move when one of the men pinned him down. this was officially miek’s worst day in over a decade.

he caught a glimpse of marigold stripes on leg armor just over his shoulder, confirming the identity of the man on top of him as rex. “how do you know our names?!” rex’s voice sent a shiver down miek’s spine (the blaster against his back also helped in that), and the togrutan reaffirmed his choice in his favorite clone: not rex.

“i’ve heard stories about you two! from y/n! i’m assuming you’re here about y/n, right?” the blaster was removed from his back and a little bit of the weight was taken off him. he must be saying something right. “she’s been staying with my sister and i, and i promise you she’s perfectly safe!” rex moves his weight completely off him now, allowing miek to stand back up but not move more than a few feet away from him.

“where is she?” cody’s voice was hauntingly low, nothing about him betraying his tension except for the hard glare felt like lasers. he had the same desire, same yearning to protect someone - that someone miek now knew was you - and it burned brighter than a hundred suns.

“last i saw her was thirty minutes ago on the shore with briel, my sister. i can take you to them if you would kindly not threaten to shoot me again. my name is miek, and i would say it was a pleasure to meet you both but then i’d be making myself a liar.” he had no idea where that bit of snark at the end came from but it seemed to sway the clones to his favor. why it did, he had no clue, but at least he wasn’t getting shot.

they walked silently for a few minutes, the two troopers beginning to slightly admire the view while keeping eyes on miek. it was a beautiful planet, there was no denying that. you were surely enjoying yourself in the sunshine, always finding a little bit of time to bask in the nature of whatever planet you ended up on during the war.

it was strange to cody, not feeling eyes on him as he walked with rex on the beach. when he would accompany general ke- obi-wan on trips to the temple or into the streets of coruscant, he constantly felt the eyes of many on him. they would be expressing curiosity, shock, disdain, or something in between, and cody could feel every bit of it. here, it seemed, no one cared that he was a clone. no one was leering at him for walking too close to them or for just breathing the same air as them. cody was blissfully able to blend with the people here and he loved it.

he was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice when miek had come to a stop in front of a small cluster of reclinable chairs. a large umbrella provided the area with a patch of shade and a smidge of reprieve from the sun’s blistering heat.

“see? she’s perfectly fine.” miek’s voice broke their precious silence. “i’m assuming you both can find your own way back to your ship, so i’ll be headed off.” miek left them quite quickly and rex guessed (with a bit more amusement than was warranted) that it was because he nearly shot the man on more than one occasion minutes earlier.

“cody! rex! when did you two get here?”

a familiar voice drew their attention and it took them a second longer than it should have for them to realize that yes, you were the one lounging in front of them as if it’s all you’ve ever done in your life. you were extremely relaxed and your posture conveyed your state perfectly, two margaritas perched in loose hands, both half-empty. an ivory summer dress flowed loosely around you, the front hiked a bit too high for the men to keep their imaginations under control. that wasn’t even acknowledging the neckline of your dress (or lack thereof) that made their throats a bit dry and minds slip into the gutter.

rex and cody cleared their heads after indulging the images for a second, the latter clearing his throat before replying, “just a few minutes ago. you haven’t answered our comms in over a week. rex had the idea to come and visit to see how you were doing, so here we are.”

that was really sweet of them to check up on you, you thought with a smile. you felt a bit guilty about not answering their comms. normally you were careful to reply to theirs and every other message you received soon after getting it, but as stated earlier, time has become a social construct that didn’t really matter while on scarif. you gestured for them to sit, and they took the open chair to your left. they didn’t bother laying back, just sitting shoulder to shoulder in the same chair with their eyes on you.

offering them both half-drank margaritas was a subconscious action on your part that surprised you. what shocked you even more was the fact they accepted the drinks with soft, fond smiles. kriff you missed them, how you’ve been able to go this long without seeing them was beyond you.

you smiled warmly as you introduced your boys to briel, who was smirking a bit too widely than would be deemed safe (you didn’t notice this, seeing as you were too busy drinking in the sight of your boys and the way the sunlight made their eyes glow). her eyes drifted to your thighs as she put in very little effort to hide a laugh. dark clone trooper eyes decided to see what was so amusing to the togruta, and they choked on whatever words they were contemplating.

on your thighs were rex and cody, left and right respectively. or, more accurately, on your thighs were six-inch tattoos of rex and cody.

both men were in quite show-offy poses, appearing to have the intent to make them look like pin-ups. the lower half of their armor was equipped but they were shirtless, faint details of scars and sweat appearing to glisten in imaginary sunlight.

cody’s face was set in a smolder the likes of which would send half the women in the galaxy into puddles at the commander’s feet. his dc-15a was held aloft in his right hand while his left arm was holding his helmet in place in the crook of his hip. his left foot was stepping on a small heap of droids which brought his knee up a bit, and he was facing the inked rex on the opposite thigh.

rex’s wild smile could catch the soggiest piece of kindling alight with the allure and charm it held. his eyes were sparkling with a pleasant mirth not often seen in the man. both hands wielded his trusted dc-17’s, the right blaster pointed at the droids under cody’s foot while the left was pointed in the air, blaster bolts coming out of both. his helmet was under his right foot, jaig eyes almost peering into your soul and welding marks visible from his customization of the phase 2 helmet.

commander and captain are both beginning to flush at the art in front of them. they were flattered to see drawings of themselves look so dashing, and seeing it on your body roused feelings they had spent years repressing. their biggest question now was whether their likenesses on your body translated into something more on your end.

“nice to finally meet my friend’s muses,” briel quips, “it’s hard to get her to talk about something that isn’t you two when she’s plastered.” she pauses a moment, thinking of her next words and chuckling to herself. “she’s barely spent three consecutive days completely sober since she got here, which means that you two are almost all she talks about.”

this deepened the heat in their cheeks as you playfully swatted at briel’s shoulder. “that is not true!” a moment of silence. “wait, what day is it? that miiiight make a difference.”

rex chortles at the admission. “glad to see you enjoying yourself, cyare. but kix would be enraged to hear that you’ve been drinking nearly every day for two months, and we can’t exactly blame him.” he grinned as he took an experimental sip of the drink you gave him. it was stronger than he expected, but it had an underlying sweetness not often found in margaritas. he liked it.

sitting up, your dress covered your ink as you expertly drank from the margarita in cody’s hand while he still held it. the commander sent you a soft glare, wondering why you didn’t just get a new drink but enjoying the moment nonetheless. “kix shmix, his face isn’t on my thigh so i don’t really care what he has to say right now.” you lean toward cody and rex before whispering, “you didn’t bring him, did you?”

all three of them guffawed at the question, you joining their laughter solely because of how happy the joy radiating from your boys’ force signatures made you.

calling them your boys had become second nature after mere months of fighting beside them. you spent an inane amount of time with them during planning and actual combat, and were just as much their general as their actual generals were (despite you not carrying the honorific). any free time was spent with one or the other if available, but if they were both occupied you would make your way toward the barracks and join a few games of sabacc.

there were nights you’d spend in the barracks with either battalion (depends on which group you were assigned to at the time) and be welcomed there as if you were a fellow clone. they taught you to play sabacc and you enjoyed playing with them despite the fact you had the most rotten luck with the game.

winning didn’t carry any weight when you were able to spend time with rex and cody, shamelessly basking in the way they always seemed to have some sort of physical contact with you every moment possible. when rex and/or cody returned from whatever responsibilities held them earlier, the men were quick to relinquish them a seat next to you with a sly grin.

their vode noticed the affection shared for the jedi on sabacc night number two and didn’t hesitate to spread word of it around to the rest of their battalions and beyond. on the nights you accompanied them on trips to 79’s, men under rex and cody both (read: fives and boil) made sure that the rest of their brothers and the occasional civvie knew that you three were off-limits to anyone but each other. you were their jetti & they were your captain and commander, no one would get between that even if it wasn’t decided among those in question.

“nah, he’s kept his head in his work. he just got his civvie medical license, started his own private practice on naboo.” rex was extremely happy for his brother, although it was strange to not see him nearly every day. it took a while before he was used to the lack of vode around him at all moments, but cody has been a massive help with that transition.

cody nodded before adding onto his brother’s statement. “and besides, we’re not that cruel, cyar’ika.” you grinned at the endearing tone, choosing that moment to snag another drink from the glass in cody’s hand. he swatted at your hand gently but didn’t put up a fight otherwise, just smiling at how carefree you’d become.

during their comms you did sound at peace, and the times where you’d appear via hologram to him your posture was less rigid than it was during wartime. scarif was good for you, cody knew this. the knowledge of your happiness, however, couldn’t prevent selfish thoughts from returning to the front of his mind. thoughts of you leaving scarif with him and rex, lighting up their apartment better than the sun with nothing but a smile were pipe dreams he indulged in when nightmares of war caught up to him.

“y’know,” you began, “no one would ever tell me what that word really meant.” the men froze, trying to play it off. they were saved only by the fact you kept talking. “none of the men ever gave me a straight answer, just saying that it was something you say to someone you trusted. i even asked duchess satine about it when i was on mandalore. she asked who was using the word and when i told her it was you two, she just grinned like a tooka with a rat tail hanging from its mouth.”

duchess satine was most definitely going to be receiving a gift in the near future.

briel chose that moment to speak for the first time in a while, crossing her arms behind her head. “i’ve never been to mandalore nor heard a lick of what i’m guessing is its native language, but you’d have to be a fool to not guess its meaning by now.” her words were directed at you but they made the men sputter.

“what is that supposed to mean, brie?”

“seriously? please tell me you’re kidding.”

briel was absolutely incredulous. how could a member of the highly revered jedi order, known for the wisdom of its members, not read between the lines? they were giving her plenty to work with in terms of evidence of their affections that they weren’t hiding very well, how did you not know?!

silence followed her words and she came to the startling realization that you were, in fact, not kidding. “look at them, these two adore you! they followed you here like stray tookas when you didn’t comm them enough.” the men didn’t even bother looking offended as they were called out by the togruta. they were scared you’d be disgruntled at the blatant show of care for you but briel wasn’t done. “sithspit y/n, you got tattoos of them because you said you missed them so much!”

hold on, rewind, what did she just say?!

“you… missed us?” rex’s voice was softer than anyone had heard it be in a long time. part of him aches to throw his drink over his shoulder and take you into his arms with no regard to the outside world, yet he restrains himself. this could very well be a trap, an illusion or extremely detailed dream the likes of which he’s never experienced.

then again, how would that explain his mind creating a taste for something he’s never had before?

he concluded that this was indeed real, and he very well could do exactly as his heart desires if he let go for just a moment, just long enough for the contents of his glass to seep into the sand and his calloused hands to roam your exposed skin.

but he also remembers long talks with his ori’vod about their mutual affections for you. how selfish and uncaring it would be for him to try and keep you to himself after spending so many nights lamenting with cody about the way you made them both feel more human. the way you tethered them to sanity when the war threatened to dispose of what little control they had over themselves or their fates, the softness of your fingers intertwined with theirs whenever you had the chance. both men would contemplate the way you’d taste as you downed several shots at 79’s or cups of the contraband moonshine brewed by the men, wondering how much would be the alcohol and how much would be you and wishing that they could find out.

it would be a betrayal far greater and even more despicable than that of palpatine and the republic, and rex didn’t think he could handle losing the respect of his ori’vod no matter what was given in return. not even you.

the togruta woman officially lost the last speck of patience she held for the clueless, lovesick trio, groaning that she gave up as she left them to their own devices.

you were confused. why would you not miss them? did those years of fighting next to them and caring about them and loving them not translate to the idea of missing them when they were gone? yeah you were a little tipsy when you got your tattoos, but that didn’t change the facts as to why you got them: you wanted cody and rex by your side and moments spent without them were moments spent unhappy. they were your boys, the two reasons you kept fighting in that cursed war instead of returning to the temple with your tail between your legs at the first sign of combat.

cody downed his margarita with a solid gulp before taking your right hand in both of his, face twisted almost identically to his brother’s while processing the information you presented. he marveled in the familiar grooves and calluses from battle that were beginning to soften, thoroughly enjoying the fact he didn’t have to hide anything from you or the rest of the galaxy about the love - cody was sure now that this was indeed love - he held for you and you alone.

“is that true, cyar’ika?” cody’s voice was sickeningly hopeful. he’s never allowed himself to hope, knowing that diving too deep into desire could lead to consequences tantamount to death. hearing you stumble over your words as you admitted to loving him, loving him and rex both in the same capacity, cracked the last mask of stoicism he had in his reserves. his mouth was smiling but his eyes were wet, and anyone who didn’t know him would think the man was karking mad.

you weren’t as focused on your boys as you would have been any other moment, too busy trying to figure out what you said for cody to ask about and oh. holy shit, i said all of that out loud. then, a brief moment of clarity. i said every bit of that, but they’re not leaving. they’re instead moving closer, taking my hands in theirs and then- “have i ever lied to either of you?” your heart once again overpowered your brain, taking over your vocal chords and bringing voice to your thoughts.

rex nestled his glass into the sand before going to his knees in front of you, eyes sparkling from both the scarif sun and unshed tears. “you could never, ner’jetti.” he rested his chin on your knee not blocked by cody, his subconscious deciding to nuzzle his head into the hand that had come up to his face.

within seconds, the clunky armor had taken to the sand. they didn’t startle at the sudden exposure to just their bottom blacks because they could feel the soft humming of the force around them, knowing that it was merely you making them more comfortable. you were pulling them toward you and into your reclined chair, rex’s chin in one hand and cody’s hands in the other. they were quick to take a hint, immediately moving to either side of you to lay on their sides, facing their jetti with soft smiles.

rex made quick work of wrapping an arm around your waist, face burying itself into the crook of your neck as best he could. he inhaled your scent, the familiar ozone that came with the force mingling wonderfully with scarif’s ocean water and the tropical drinks you’ve been keeping yourself busy with.

cody tangled one hand into your hair, fingers softly moving as he rested his other arm slightly above his brother’s. the hand touching your waist softly stroked your side as he let his eyes drift closed, the force wrapped around him like a blanket of protection.

no one spoke of love in the hours you spent wrapped in each other’s arms in that uncomfortable-for-three-people chair. the admissions and conveyance of all the love held between the three of you was saved for the privacy of their ship. cody and rex worshiped you and you did the same for them, no one allowing there to be a single doubt as to where your hearts belong.

[jessicajonesrp]

Round up at the Raft

Somehow, miraculously, Trish actually managed to stay quiet for the majority of the trip to the Raft. Probably because she knew that Jessica, in her pregnant, stressed out, and very sober state, could not handle much more to trigger her temper, and would likely respond to any irritations from Trish by simply jumping out of the car and hitching a cab the rest of the way.

 

Jessica would have thought that would be a plus, Trish’s lack of chattering, but instead, it just gave her own thoughts more time to run rampant until she felt that her skin was riddled with adrenaline that she couldn’t bleed out. She bounced her legs jaggedly from the passenger seat, and by the time they did make it to the outskirts of the East River, just off Roosevelt Island. She had been given the approximate coordinates of the location that the Raft would be made accessible to her for her visit to Phillip, and as Trish drew closer to their destination, Jessica texted back and forth with the doctor, sent ahead of her a couple of hours before, to confirm that he had arrived with the vaccinations and that all staff and prisoners had been appropriately protected against Kilgrave. She had arranged a code word ahead of time for him to use if he had any contact with Kilgrave, and when the word was not used, she could be somewhat assured that everything, so far, was going as hoped.

 

If the doctor could be trusted. And if the vaccines had all worked. If, if, if.

 

Jessica had little nervousness about seeing Phillip again, at least, that she was able to admit to herself. It would be difficult to see the impact that prison life and isolation had on her little brother, but his choices were his own, and he was lucky that he still had any kind of life at all. She hoped that he would remember that and choose to be cooperative, or at least that she would still recognize at least some pieces of the brother she loved in what the Raft was shaping him into now. But that was beyond her control and beside the point.

 

It was the expectation of Kilgrave popping up that jarred her, mentally and emotionally. It didn’t matter how much protection they had put in place for people or how high the chances that they would succeed, Jessica still felt strong dread and responsibility to think of all the people he had harmed already and all those he may still. Even though she was no longer vulnerable to Kilgrave’s commands, nor was Trish, Luke, or the others most important to her, it didn’t mean they couldn’t be harmed by someone who was, or that her PTSD had received that memo.

 

Everything on the river’s shoreline was as had been described to her- a huge garbage scow at the water’s surface, covering up the facility underneath, and although she could not see the cameras or guards, Jessica knew they were there, outside easy surface view. She scanned their surroundings, every muscle drawn taut, and checked the time. Fifteen minutes until the Raft would come to surface, twenty-five until it would submerge. Trish had driven too damn fast for someone who talked about Jessica’s reckless driving skills.

 

She sent Luke a quick text to let him know she and Trish had arrived, distantly aware that Trish was doing the same for Luke. When a warm hand touched her shoulder, Jessica jumped, her head almost hitting the roof of the car, and barely stopped herself from taking a swing at Trish. Trish, used to this, ducked back just out of her reach and removed her hand.

 

“I know you hate pep talks, so, hard as it is, I’ll refrain, even though this is absolutely the perfect time and place for one. Notice and appreciate my self control.”

 

She smiled, her tone playful, but she was obviously assessing Jessica, seeking to reassure in her own sneaky, totally denying it fashion. Jessica shrugged, abruptly shoving open the car’s door.

 

“Whatever, I don’t do appreciation. That falls under etiquette, and that’s just a waste of time. I’m going to go ahead to the shoreline and wait. Don’t come with me.”

 

“You still have time before you can go in,” Trish started, but ignoring her, Jessica continued forward. She noticed and was irritated that Trish also got out of the car and followed her, but didn’t comment on it. It wasn’t like the guards would let her in, she hadn’t been approved for that. If she wanted to stand there and have Jessica not talk to her, well, she would get bored faster than Jessica would, for sure.

 

From the distance, Jessica could hear the smooth, nearly purring engine of an expensive-sounding car, coming closer. She tensed, stopping in her tracks, and resisted the urge to turn around or look over her shoulder. It was probably Danny, coming to accompany them after all, or one of his many employees. Maybe it was even a guard of the Raft, coming in for duty.

 

But she heard Trish’s gasp as the car drew closer, and the other woman’s quickening footsteps as she caught up to Jessica and grabbed hold of her arm. Jessica had to turn then, but even before she saw the figure emerging from the vehicle that had just parked beside theirs, she already knew from the shaky, cold sense of dread spiking through her just who it was that had arrived.

 

“Jessica Jones, we meet again. With sustained effort and perseverance on my part, of course.”

 

Jessica held herself rigidly, noticing with absolute horror that there were three children sitting in the back of the vehicle that Kilgrave had arrived in, all between the ages of approximately five and eight years old. Even more sickening was the fact that all of the children were clearly biracial- just as her own child would be. It was a cruel, evil move, and an obviously intentional reminder of just what Kilgrave was willing to do to Jessica’s own child, if it suited his purpose or goals.

 

“Kilgrave,” she spat out, the word twisted and sharp on her tongue. “What did you do, put a hidden camera in every building in the city? I knew you’d end up here somehow. Fucking knew it.”

 

“No, I simply had bugs implanted in all of the cars under Danny Rand’s ownership that I could get people to get hold of,” he shrugged, unruffled by Jessica’s tone. “Anything to reach you. You should know by now the effort I’m willing to go to, to find you. Doesn’t that prove to you how much I love you? What is it that a man has to do for that to get through?”

 

“No, it proves that you’re a psychotic, sociopathic stalker who doesn’t know how to take no for an answer,” Jessica snapped, not yet taking a step towards him. “And that you’re selfish enough to care more about what you want than anyone else’s life or happiness.”

 

Her eyes remained on the children, who as of yet were sitting seemingly calmly in the car. She could not see from her distance if any of them had been harmed, but she knew from her own experience just how terrified and out of control they must feel.

 

 

“Persistent and devoted would be how I would describe it, but you always did have a sharp tongue. Making everything sound so ugly,” Kilgrave shook his head, making a face of displeased disagreement. “I’d say we can agree to disagree, but I suppose you rather enjoy being contrary. That’s my Jessica.”

 

“I’m not your anything,” Jessica snapped, taking a step towards him, every muscle tensed for confrontation, fists balled at her side. “I’m nothing to you but your victim, and I refuse to be anymore. Let those kids go. This isn’t about them, Kilgrave.”

 

To Trish, she ground out in an undertone, “Trish, go to the car. Right now.”

 

Trish licked her lips, but stood her ground. Kilgrave, to Jessica’s dismay, turned his gaze towards her.

 

“Patsy,” Kilgrave inclined his head towards Trish, obvious disgust in his voice. “Let me ask you, Patsy, how is it that a woman with absolutely no useful abilities or skills manages to escape my efforts to dispose of her on multiple occasions? Is it sheer luck, or do you have some sort of innate self-preservation talent that saves you when your friends cannot? I truly do want to know, now.”

 

It was a command- the first directed at Trish, or at anyone who had been vaccinated, since the doses had been doled out. Jessica nearly held her breath, waiting to see what would happen, her fear choking her throat when Trish opened her mouth to respond.

 

But rather than respond to his question, Trish closed her mouth, shook her head, and smirked.

 

“Too bad for you, Kevin. I don’t feel like talking to you, so it looks like for one of the very first times in your life, you aren’t going to get what you want.”

 

For the first time that Jessica could remember doing so of her own free will, she smiled, right there in Kilgrave’s presence. It was impossible not to when the man’s jaw had nearly dropped to his chest.

 

“That wasn’t an option, Patsy!” he barked, blinking furiously in an effort to regroup himself. “I asked you a question. How is it that you keep escaping death?”

 

“She gave you an answer, didn’t you hear her?” Jessica put in, smirking. “She said it’s none of your fucking business, and no one’s in control of her tongue but her. Including you.”

 

“What she said,” Trish agreed, nodding. “With slightly less profanity. But she got it right all the same.”

 

Kilgrave took a step back, as though Trish’s lack of response to his order was somehow a threat to him, an endangerment. Truthfully, it was, although he could not know to the extent. The vaccines worked- Jessica now had seen the proof for herself, and her heart beat faster now not with fear, but with excitement.

 

They were going to get him. They were going to end this, finally. They just had to get through the next few minutes first.

 

“How did you- this is you!” he sputtered, jabbing a finger in Jessica’s direction. “You infected her somehow. Always you, messing things up, making things harder! Why can’t you ever just let things be!”

 

“Because I have a mind and will of my own, and it isn’t your fucking place to steal it,” Jessica snapped back. “Now get down on the ground, on your stomach, hands behind your back, unless you want me to break your neck. Again. And if you have any other little soldiers in hiding, call them off.”

 

But Kilgrave didn’t respond. When Jessica sprung forward, grabbing him and far from gently throwing him down and into a restraint on the ground herself, she heard Trish gasp, sucking in a breath. Kilgrave, unresisting beneath her, laughed softly to himself.

 

“I have to say, Jessie, this brings back fond memories. I always did like you on top.”

 

“Shut the fuck up!” she snarled, giving him a vicious shake.

 

She drew back her fist to punch him, hard enough to knock him unconscious, but Trish’s sharp calling of her name caused her to look up, then follow her pointing finger to the children, still seated in the car Kilgrave had driven up in. Only now, each of them held a knife to their tiny throats, digging in just enough that Jessica saw small beads of blood come to the surface of their skin.

 

Clearly, they had been holding the knives in their laps, just waiting for Kilgrave to be harmed or restrained. What the fuck was she supposed to do now?

 

Kilgrave laughed, understanding even as Jessica forced his face into the dirt what was happening.

 

“Try it, Jessie, go ahead and kill me. What’s three more deaths, when you can take down big bad me? It’s worth it, isn’t it? Just a few more deaths on your conscience, so what if they happen to be little kids?”

 

Jessica froze, stricken with indecision for several seconds. Then, making a decision, she released Kilgrave, throwing him off and away from her. When the children did not further harm themselves, watching solemnly, fear and pain stark in their wide eyes, and Kilgrave, chuckling, started to get to his feet, Jessica blocked out the words he was saying. Instead she took one long jump, landing somewhat gracelessly next to the children in the car, and tugged open the back door. She pried the knives out of each child’s hand, despite their screams and protesting efforts to regain them, and easily broke the knives into pieces before flinging them hard into the East River. As the children pushed past her out of the car, rushing towards the water’s edge in an effort to retrieve the pieces of knife that were already washing past their ability to find, Jessica grabbed one of them by the wrist, hesitating with a guilty grimace.

 

“Sorry, kid, I have to.”

 

She hit him, with just enough restraint that she prayed it wouldn’t’ cause permanent head injuries, but enough that the child went unconscious. She lay him down gently and snagged a second child. Trish, seeing what her intentions were, used what Jessica assumed to be some of the ninja skills Danny had been teaching her to restrain Kilgrave, even as Jessica rendered the second and last child unconscious and therefore safe from self harm. Coming back to Kilgrave, Jessica shook her head.

 

“You don’t know me. You never did, you never will. And you will never touch me or anyone else again.”

 

Kilgrave flinched, knowing what was coming even before she knocked him out in one blow. She had considered making it a killing one, but at the last second, although she couldn’t explain to herself why, she drew it back, just enough to save his life. Trish, still holding his now limp body gingerly and with disgust, looked up at Jessica, eyes serious.

 

“Jess, there’s less than two minutes left of the Raft being above surface, we have to get him in there, fast!”

 

Jessica had barely registered the Raft rising above the water, able to be accessed. She certainly hadn’t been keeping track of time. She would have been impressed by Trish’s ability to track time while simultaneously battling a psychopath, but there were more important matters at hand.

 

“Then give him to me,” she ground out, already mentally accepting her inability to see Phillip. “I’ve got this.”

 

She snatched him from Trish, jumping from where she stood the forty feet or so distance to the Raft’s surface with Kilgrave slung over her shoulder like a potato sack. The guards, standing ready to confirm her identity and purpose for her admission, seemed unfazed as she shoved him at them.

 

“This is Kilgrave, the one you had to get the shots for. Newest prisoner. Don’t know or care what proper protocol for admission is, he needs to be in here. Now, and forever. Don’t trust him, and don’t fuck this up. Someone will call you later if you need.”

 

Abruptly she leapt back onto shore, just in time to see the stoic guards putting obviously specialized cuffs on his wrists and punching in codes to take him inside. As the Raft began to descend beneath the water’s surface once more, Jessica let her shoulders sag, her heartbeat finally beginning to slow. She could see Trish checking the children’s vitals from the corner of her eyes, making sure they were all stable, but just for the moment, she closed her eyes, letting herself breathe.

 

It was over, again. At least for now.

 

Taking out her phone, she texted Luke. “Out of Raft. Not that I went in. Kilgrave showed. He’s their newest prisoner now.”