#coming to the party 11 years late I guess
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ahah soooo who's heard of Turn: Washington Spies.....
my partner showed me this show and I got completely hooked to the point I had to draw fanart for it,,,, I don't know what came over me guys I feel insane
also my scream followers DONT SCROLLLLL look!!!! there's also a sketch of Tatum and Stu smoking very a legal substance eheh (with me in the background because trust me im their friend too!!!!)
#culper spy ring#more like culper spy polycule#first pic is based off a bts pic I found on Pinterest lmfao#speaking of that is where I found evidence of this fandom when it was at its prime#back in 2014 lmfao#I had no idea....#coming to the party 11 years late I guess#anyways ben and caleb are in love and you cannot tell me otherwise#I love me some good friends to lovers#if anyone wants to hear me talk about them hmu#my gf and I have collected so much evidence#yall might see more turn art from me maybe#if I decide to post it lol#this is my punishment for never drawing Hamilton fanart#the universe said you WILL learn how to draw a continental army uniform#normal tag time#turn amc#turn: washington's spies#turn washington's spies#ben tallmadge#benjamin tallmadge#caleb brewster#ben x caleb#anna strong#abraham woodhull#scream 1996#stu macher#tatum riley#scream fanart#scream
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what you know - ch16: sleepless nights || r. sukuna
❦ ryomen sukuna x f!reader [college au] [ongoing series]
❝ you've heard his reputation and you've seen first-hand the way he's late to class if he even bothers to show up. paired with him for the most important project of the year, you choose to give him the benefit of the doubt- but maybe that's more than he deserves when your perfect grades depend on him, or maybe there's more to the aloof and irritable sukuna than meets the eye. ❞
❦ cw ; mdni, 18+ only. contains explicit sexual themes and content. use of alcohol. use of cannabis. use of nicotine/cigarettes. angst. hurt/no comfort. hurt/comfort. minor injury. family trauma. smut. slow burn. anxiety. panic attacks. mentions of difficulty eating. legal drama (likely with inaccuracies). tags will be updated as series continues.
❦ additional tags ; college parties and themes. sukuna ooc warning as this is a realistic take on modern sukuna. reader is fairly preppy and implied to be smaller than sukuna, but he's 6"11.
❦ words ; 17.6k.
main masterlist || series masterlist || previous chapter || next chapter
Slipping through the door on Tuesday morning to the lecture hall mere seconds before the professor shuts it, you mutter an apology as you jog up to your seat beside Kento. The blonde’s lips downturn at the sight of your rushed movements as you pull your laptop out, your chest heaving after having run through campus.
“May I ask what has you so rushed?” He questions in a hushed tone as the professor prepares for his lecture.
Letting out a breath, you shake your head. “I had a little bit of an existential crisis this morning, but everything’s good now,” you breathe, forcing a smile.
Kento’s brow raises. “Would this have anything to do with Sukuna?”
“No. Well-” you pause, hesitating as your fingers pause on your keyboard. “Kinda, I guess.”
Kento’s observant eyes flicker between your rushed movements and your expression. He scrutinizes the minute tremor in your fingers and the way you chew on your lip. Unfortunately for you, he’s entirely too observant, and more than willing to call you out for it.
“Have you been crying?”
Like a deer in the headlights, your head whips towards him, wide-eyed. Caught.
The blonde frowns. “Do you have a moment after class before your internship?”
You nod, sighing as you give in, frazzled nerves dissolving. You’re not sure why you bother trying to hide when it comes to him. He’s known you too long, and he’s always been perceptive.
As the professor begins the lecture, you dial in, doing what you can to give your full attention to the subject. You can’t afford another day of catch-up, not when you’re still behind.
When the professor dismisses the lecture hall, you lean back in your seat, dropping the back of your head onto the plastic backrest. With a yawn, you run your hands through your hair, before dropping them to hang at your sides.
Kento’s presence beside you remains steady as he allows you a moment to sort out your thoughts. Your gaze trails across the ceiling, resting on a water stain. You recall thinking those were coffee stains when you were a kid. In hindsight, that doesn’t make much sense.
When you remain unmoving for a minute too long, Kento finally gives you a push. “Care to start with the elephant in the room?”
Shutting your eyes, your brows knit together. “Sukuna?”
“In a sense. What happened with the trial? I didn’t get the chance to ask when I saw you on Friday.”
Shrugging in place, you shake your head. “His step-mom had the whole thing rigged. I don’t think it would have mattered what he did.”
“I see.”
“The kids were devastated,” you murmur, blinking your eyes open as your gaze finds more deformities in the otherwise uninteresting ceiling, “and really scared.”
Kento’s expression remains aloof as he hums in understanding. “And Sukuna?”
You finally tilt your head towards the blonde. You’re in a frazzled enough mood to question whether or not he truly cares about Sukuna’s well-being, but you have no right to be rude when your friend has only ever shown compassion for you. Sighing, you stare back at the ceiling, clasping your hands in your lap.
Hesitating, your lips purse. You’re in no position to be telling Kento the details of Sukuna’s life, but you’re also desperately in need of some support yourself. As much as you appreciate Toji and Uraume, what you really need is a girls’ night (featuring Kento), but you’re not sure whether you have the time to spare for that.
“I don’t know,” you admit. “I mean- I know he’s doing bad. He didn’t sleep between the trial and the hand-off of the kids.” As your neck starts to get sore, you sit up, staring at your fiddling thumbs in your lap. “I haven’t heard from him since before the hand-off, though.”
“And you’re worried?” He confirms.
Nodding, you sigh softly. “I tried texting and calling.”
“Well, surely you’ll see him at work today,” Kento offers, though you’ve already considered that.
“Hopefully. I don’t know,” you admit. You have half a mind to think he might take some time off, or just not show up at all.
“And you?”
You swipe your tongue across your bottom lip as Kento turns in his seat to better see you. “I’m so behind,” you murmur. The dark circles underlining your eyes feel heavy with the admission. You’d only missed a couple of days, but the truth is that you’ve spent so much time concerning yourself with Sukuna’s affairs that even your time spent studying was wasted on zoning out.
Kento’s sharp auburn eyes flicker between yours. “I meant how are you handling what’s going on with Sukuna, but something tells me the tears weren’t shed over him. Would that be right?”
Your chest slowly rises in a long, exasperated inhalation. “Not this time,” you sigh. “I got some wires crossed and forgot to submit a paper last night. I thought it was due on Wednesday.”
Kento frowns. “I assume it was for your Copy Editing class?”
You nod.
“What was it worth?”
“Thirty percent,” you murmur, blinking your eyes rapidly as you feel tears of stress welling in your eyes. “I don’t know how I was so stupid, I usually have everything right in my calendar, and double-check and-”
“Hold on,” Kento interrupts before you can spiral as you begin to ramble and blame yourself. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Have you had the opportunity to speak with your professor about it yet?”
“Well- no, but he’s pretty strict, and I’m a scholarship student,” you mumble doubtfully, finding yourself picking at your nails.
The very best is expected out of you, you’ve had no issue upholding that until this semester.
“Strict or not, life happens,” Kento points out, not hesitating to wrap his fingers around your wrist and tug your hands apart to prevent you from picking at your nails. He pulls his hands back to his lap with a pointed stare, scolding you with only a look. “I think he would be willing to consider your perspective if you simply explain.”
“I can’t just tell him what’s going on with Sukuna.”
“You can’t allow yourself to fail to spare his feelings, either,” Kento points out evenly, crossing his legs.
Your gaze falls to your lap. “I guess you’re right,” you murmur. “I’ll try to talk to my prof tomorrow.”
Nodding in satisfaction, your friend nods at your side. “And your internship?”
Your eyes widen. “Wait- What time is it? I think I need to leave.”
Pulling his wrist up, Kento calmly recites the time from his wristwatch. “Ten.”
“I’m gonna be late.” You move in a rush to shove your textbook and laptop into your bag, pulling on your coat with one hand at the same time.
You pause for the briefest of moments as Kento catches your attention with your name. “What is it?” You ask, returning to packing up as you zip up your bag and toss it over your shoulder.
“You’ll be alright if you’re a couple of minutes late.”
“I-” you hesitate as you get to your feet. “- I really want to make a good impression.”
Getting to his feet, Kento pushes his belongings into his bag at a much more reasonable pace. “I can sympathize with that, but you also need to take care of yourself,” he points out.
Squeezing your bag strap on your shoulder, your brows draw together. You know all-too-well that you’ve been neglecting some much needed self-care time and relaxation, but life isn’t about to slow down and wait for you. You can catch up later.
“Let me walk you to your car.”
Nodding, you follow after him as he leads to way down the stairs of the lecture hall and out into the spring air.
The sun is peeking through the clouds, but a glum feeling still seems to cling to the air. Or maybe you’re just projecting your stress into the clouds, you can’t be sure. Either way, the chirping of birds and buzzing of the returning insects doesn’t carry the same welcoming feeling of spring that you’re accustomed to.
Falling into step with you, Kento takes the opportunity to gently pat your shoulder. “Breathe,” he soothes, remaining as a steady presence from your childhood. If there’s one thing Kento excels in, it’s his ability to assess a situation and act accordingly to find the best outcome, one of the many benefits of having a psychiatrist as a mother. He watches as you suck in a breath, taking a moment to slow down. “How are the rest of your classes going?”
“I- um-” you hesitate, stumbling over your foot and barely managing to catch yourself in the process. Attempting to walk off the embarrassment of tripping, you brush your coat off and stand straight once more. “Um-”
Kento moves to stand in front of you and stops, forcing you to slow down for a moment, to catch your breath and your spiraling thoughts. Tilting your chin up to look at him, you find his brow furrowed, the first signs of disquiet written across his features. “Take a breath,” he encourages you again.
Taking a deep breath, you force the thought of being late for work out of your mind for now, blowing air from your pursed lips in a sigh.
“Good. Now tell me, what’s going on?”
Chewing on your lip, you avoid Kento’s gaze. “I’m kinda worried about my scholarship,” you admit quietly, wrapping your arms around yourself.
The blonde frowns. “Are you that far behind? How many classes did you miss?”
Wrapping your arms around yourself, you shrug. “Not that many,” you shake your head. “But my Public Relations and Marketing class had a presentation that I didn’t know about from a publishing house and I don’t know how I’m supposed to catch up on that and I’m worried-”
“Hey.” Kento interrupts as you begin to spiral. “It’s okay. Have you had the chance to speak with that professor?”
“Well, no-”
“Then take a breath,” he urges. “One step at a time.”
You nod slowly, taking his advice.
“Has the Financial Aid Office or an Academic Advisor reached out?”
“Not yet.”
“Then you’ll be okay.” Kento smiles reassuringly, his cool and calm demeanor soothing your frayed nerves a bit. “I’ll help you work through it, how does that sound?”
Your shoulders fall in defeat as you nod, accepting his help. “You’re a lifesaver, thanks Ken. Are you sure you won’t fall behind?”
A chuckle rumbles within his chest. “I’m ahead,” he admits, not as a boast but to reassure you. “Besides, not everyone has a…” he searches for words, “dear friend in need of help quite as you do. I know you’re often busy.” His tone takes on a chiding edge, a certain knowing gleam in his eyes.
As your nerves begin to settle, you hide your face at his teasing, pushing past him to continue on your way to your car. “Don’t say it like that,” you groan, earning a chuckle from Kento. As aloof and stoic as he is, the man can be far too much of a smartass for his own good.
“No? Am I wrong?”
There it is.
“I- No- I mean-” You stammer over your words, giving him a shove.
He chuckles once more, his calm demeanor never faltering. “I see your feelings haven’t changed.”
You continue to avoid his gaze, walking a bit faster.
“I don’t dislike him, you know.”
You pause, turning to face Kento again. “Even after the whole-” you make a motion in the air, flailing your hands around pointlessly.
“Yes, even after the fight.”
You blink, eyes narrowing just a smidge as you wait for him to elaborate.
He continues walking as he replies. “Sukuna is many things. Dense, egotistical, and often careless, to name a few.” He casts a glance in your direction. “I do dislike how he treated you,” he states plainly. “However, I’m willing to look past that and let bygones be bygones if that’s what you wish. I know you care for him, and I trust your judgement. If you’re willing to give him another chance, then I’m not one to hold my personal thoughts against him.” Kento rolls his shoulders back. “I can certainly respect what he’s going through, and I’m willing to bet that a lot of his prior behavior can be attributed to unfortunate circumstances.”
You’re silent for a moment as you contemplate his words. There’s something incredibly heartwarming about the way your friend has the ability to cast aside his judgement in favor of your well-being. Hell, you aren’t even sure there are words to really put into perspective just how emotionally intelligent and mature he truly is.
His support is almost too much.
If you weren’t so busy processing the very genuine care behind his words, you might have teased him for sounding like his mother… Maybe another day.
For now, you’ll just bask in the warmth that his friendship brings, unable to help a genuine smile.
“I… Appreciate that, Nanamin.”
He winces slightly at the childhood nickname, though he chooses not to comment. “Of course. Which reminds me, how exactly are you handling the loss of his brothers?”
As your car comes into sight, you shrug, brushing off the question. “They’re not my brothers.”
Before you can get close enough to escape into your car, Kento grips your forearm to stop you. “Perhaps not, but it’s not that simple, is it?” He inquires, the deep auburn of his eyes flickering around your face as though he can read every little twitch of your features. “You see him as family, do you not?”
You avoid his gaze, staring at the ground as you attempt to put your thoughts into words. “Sukuna doesn’t feel that way about me, I don’t have any right-”
Dropping your forearm now that he has your attention, Kento shakes his head. “I’m stopping you there. I have my own thoughts about Sukuna’s feelings towards you, but you have every right to see his brothers as family. Would you not consider him one of your closest friends?”
Tilting your head at the way Kento mentions Sukuna’s feelings towards you, your lips purse. “Wait, what do you mean? What do you think about Sukuna’s feelings for me?”
Your friend takes a pause, weighing exactly how much or how little he wants to say in the case that he could be wrong. “I don’t want to get your hopes up, so take this with a grain of salt,” he warns, “but he seems happy around you.” It’s not exactly the admission you were expecting, you know that much to be true. Still, he continues. “I think for someone handling as much as Sukuna is, the fact that he seeks not just your support in his time of need, but your attention outside of that, is worth a lot more than you realize.”
Your heart palpitates at the mere thought of Kento’s words being true. So much for a grain of salt. You’re practically clinging to the words like a lifeline.
You can’t even begin to count how many nights you’ve spent staring at the ceiling wondering if things have changed. Wondering if maybe the reason he so adamantly seeks your touch and company is because things have changed, but every time you’re reminded of one thing.
He rejected you.
And if you’re being honest with yourself, second-guessing his feelings now is easier on your heart than facing another rejection, no matter how much more resilient you’ve gotten over the months.
Kento brushes the words aside as though they don’t carry the weight of the world. “Now, wouldn’t you consider him one of your closest friends?”
You nod, not trusting your voice as Kento finally leads the way along the final stretch of campus between you and your car.
“Then, I think it’s reasonable to see them as family. You have every right to be upset.” He stops as he reaches your car. Robotically, you search for your keys in the front pocket of your bag, chewing mindlessly on your lip, lost in thought. “Hey.”
You whip your head around to face him, blinking as you return to the present.
“Get out of your thoughts. I told you to take what I said with a grain of salt,” he teases lightly, shaking his head. “I just want you to know that it’s okay to be going through a tough time, yourself.”
Willing yourself to stay in the present, here with Kento, you sigh. “You’re right.” Climbing into the driver’s seat of your car, you start the engine. “This helped a lot. Thanks, Ken.”
“Of course,” he nods. “Let me know when you have some time, I’ll help you study.”
“You’re the best,” you pout up at him. “I’ll see you later?”
He nods, though his hand remains on the door so that you can’t close it. “That reminds me, Satoru organized a dinner at the bar across from his place on Friday. You missed the discussion at lunch last week, but you’re invited. You should come, I think it would be good for you.”
Inhaling a long, deep breath, you nod. “You’re probably right. Yeah, I’ll try to make it.”
“Bring Sukuna.”
“What?” Your brow furrows as you regard your friend from where he leans over your car door. “But Shoko’s still mad, and Satoru doesn’t like-”
“They’ll live. I think it would be good for you to spend some time with your friends, and I know he’s a part of that for you.”
“Are you sure?”
The blonde hums affirmatively. “I’m sure he could use a distraction.”
Staring out your windshield at the row of cars parked ahead of you, you find yourself nodding. “I’ll try.”
“Good. Drive safe.”
“I will.” Before shutting the door as your friend stands upright, you shoot him a grateful smile. “Thanks, Kento.”
He simply smiles as you make your way home to change before work.
–
You’re exactly eighteen minutes late when you barrel through the door of your office, earning a few stares as you pant when you collapse into your chair in Yuki’s office. She raises a brow at you, glancing at the time.
“Girl, how many times do I need to tell you that you can be late?”
Your chest heaves dramatically as you shake your head. “I need to make a good impression,” you breathe between heavy pants.
“No one’s counting twenty minutes against you,” she quips with a smirk, tapping the edge of her screen where her clock would be with her pen. “You’re still in school, anyway. Everyone knows you’ve got shit going on,” she shrugs, resting her elbow on the table as she leans on the ball of her palm.
Do you ever.
“I know, but-” you pause, unable to find a truly good reason behind your rush to get to work.
“Relax. Maya’s not here right now and I’m your boss, so-” she cuts herself off with a carefree shrug, picking up her coffee.
Your eyes trail to the corner of your desk where, for the past month or so, your café order has been waiting for you, courtesy of Sukuna. The spot is empty, and usually on the days where it is, Sukuna wouldn’t be far behind, with the beverage in-hand or an invite to join him at the café.
Today is the second day since he began at the publishing house where that hasn’t been the case. The only other day was last Thursday, when he couldn’t be at work and chose to spend the day with his brothers.
Your lips purse at the thought and you twist in your seat to peek out the door. His office is shut, the window that offers a peek into his little nook of the office has blinds shuttered, with no way to tell whether he’s inside or not.
Yuki raises a brow as you turn your attention back to your desk. “No coffee today, huh? You two back to being ex-friends?” She teases, the reasoning behind Sukuna’s absence last week unbeknownst to her.
Your face falls as you open your laptop, sighing as you catch a glance at the clock. It’s not even eleven and it feels as though you’ve had a full day’s worth of stress already.
Though, maybe starting out the day with the realization that you missed a deadline and crying over it should have been the first sign that today would be a bad day.
“No, we’re good,” you assure Yuki. “It’s just been a tough few days,” you admit, omitting any further information.
Sensing your earnestness, Yuki sits upright, her expression morphing to one of sympathy. “Well, if you need anything, I’m here.”
“Thanks,” you smile, grateful when she lets you put your focus into your work. It serves as a valuable distraction from everything on your mind. Between your missed deadline, your less-than-ideal pace of catching up in your classes, and Kento’s words echoing in the recesses of your mind like some sort of mantra you can’t escape, the moment of genuine focus doesn’t come without difficulty.
Still, you’re able to finish up some edits on your current work and send it along for review to Yuki, who pouts dramatically at you, before deciding to head to the lunch room.
Your heels click on the floor as you make your way out of the office, a bag filled with your lunch held within your palms as you find yourself pausing just outside of your destination. No one is in the lunch room just yet, and your eyes trail to the right where Sukuna’s office lies.
No sound comes from within, and you figure he likely isn’t there, but your curiosity gets the better of you. Twisting on your heel, you find yourself gingerly knocking at the door, hoping, praying, that your friend is within. Any opportunity to check on him that might ease even an ounce of your worries would go a long way for your mental well-being.
When there’s no answer, you chew on your lip as you stare down at the handle, testing whether the room is unlocked as you pull it down. The door clicks as it unlatches, creaking open with a squeak of its hinges.
You peer through the gap, blinking at just how dark it is within the office. The blinds are pulled shut not just in the windows that he shares with the interior of the publishing house, but the windows to the outside as well. The only hint of light is what peeks through the blinds, slivers of the outside world cascading over the surfaces within. The stillness of the air within offers a small corner away from the clacking of keys and scribbling of pens, but what you don’t expect are the soft snores accompanying it.
Pushing into the office, your eyes widen at the state it’s in, and who’s at the center of it all.
Paper is scattered across the floor, along with a couple of pens and some paper clips, but hunched over the desk fast asleep in the heart of the room is your friend. His soft snores penetrate the air, his head resting on his forearms, crossed beneath his face, a thin sheen of sweat slick on his exposed skin. His hair is disheveled and his shirt is wrinkled and pleated more than usual. He’s surrounded by a multitude of paper cups, enough to say he should probably be awake right now with the amount of caffeine he’d pumped into his system.
Your heart pangs at the sight. You honestly hadn’t expected him to be here at all, you’d figured that he would stay home and take some time to himself, maybe focus on his meeting with the lawyer tomorrow, but that isn’t the case at all. He must have attempted to bury himself in his work, unable to slow down for even a moment.
You shut the door behind you, careful not to make a sound as you set your lunch on the edge of his desk and lean down to pluck the paperwork off of the floor. You can just barely make out Sukuna’s writing scrawled across some of the pages, mostly detailing edits he wants to make on his own work, but one in particular catches your eye.
One of the pages is crumpled, it looks as though Sukuna must have had the intention of tossing it out, before he flattened it to use as a notepad. Lazily scrawled across the page is a variety of equations and calculations, with titles beside each total.
Groceries. Rent. Internet. Phone Bill. Lawyer.
The calculations beside the scrawl of ‘Lawyer’ are crossed out a number of times, each number higher than the last. Dread settles in the pit of your stomach as even the final number is scratched out. You can’t make out exactly how much it is, but it’s well in the tens of thousands at this point based on the amount of digits he’s scratched out.
Frowning, you tuck the page within the rest of the paperwork, uneasiness settling in your chest as you get back to your feet. Delicately setting the paper on the edge of the desk, you chew on your lip as you begin popping lids off of each of the empty cups of coffee, stacking the paper cups within one another and tossing them all out.
Gathering the pens and paper clips on the floor, you set those where they belong in a small cup on his desk as well while you contemplate whether you should wake him. On one hand, you want him to sleep, but on the other hand…
His poor back. And neck. He should be home if things are this bad.
Your throat tightens as you make your decision, slowly approaching the man’s desk. Setting your hand gently on his bicep, you shake him softly.
Sukuna groans, his face immediately twisting into a deeply grumpy scowl as he swats you away. You pull your hand back, grimacing as he shuffles and turns his head away from you. “Fuck off,” he mutters.
Good thing you found him and not your boss.
“You should go home and get some rest,” you try to encourage the mostly-asleep man, praying your voice may rouse him from his fatigued state somewhat.
He groans, letting out a breath as he peeks an eye open to see you standing over him. He squints hard as you pull him from his slumber and you swear there’s an almost cartoon-ish bubble popping over his head as his sleep is interrupted.
He pushes up into a seated position, leaning heavily on his forearms. The remnants of sleep remain indented in his cheek as the outline of the fabric of his shirt dimples his skin. Yawning, the man leans back in his chair, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand before pushing his long hair from his vision.
“What do you want?” He grumbles from behind his hands as he rubs them over his drained features in an attempt to wake up. He’s clearly bone-tired and very grumpy now that you’ve awoken him, you can’t imagine he’s intentionally throwing an attitude around with you.
“I came to check on you,” you express, tilting your head to the side in an attempt to get a better look at him in the low lighting. “I didn’t think you’d be here today.”
Sukuna huffs, leaning forward as he rests his forehead on his knuckles, propped up by his elbow. His gaze is trained on the wood grain of his desk. “What time is it?” He mutters out the question, casting your concerns aside.
“Almost noon.”
“Noon,” he repeats, unmoving. “Tuesday?”
“Um- Yeah,” you affirm, your brow furrowing at his reaction.
He lets out an exasperated huff. “Shit,” he mutters under his breath. Dazed, he raises his head, finally getting a look around his office as he begins to come to, though he’s still squinting, even in the low light. You can just barely make out tears on his lash line as he yawns.
Your lips purse as realization passes over you. “Please tell me you didn’t sleep here,” you mumble.
“You cleaned up,” he mutters, ignoring you.
“I- Yeah. Sukuna, you didn’t sleep here, did you?” You push again, taking a step towards his desk.
“It was just s’posed to be a nap,” he grumbles, tapping on the screen of his iPad and squinting harder as the time flashes up at him. “Christ.”
Blinking at him in shock, you can’t help but go back to the subject that he keeps on frustratingly brushing off.
“You didn’t go home last night?”
Finally processing your concern, he stares you down. “No.”
“Why not?”
Sighing heavily, he massages his temples, fighting off an oncoming headache. “Had deadlines to meet n’ needed money to meet with the lawyer tomorrow,” he mumbles out an explanation.
Blinking in horror at the immediate repercussions of losing his brothers, you feel your worries twist in your stomach and lurch up to your throat. Sukuna can play off as much as he wants that he’s just trying to catch up, but you can see within the crimson of his irises that he’s lost. Trying to find some sort of purpose, something to do.
And you get it.
It happened to you when the two of you fought. When you had to relearn your own hobbies and allow yourself to enjoy your spare time once again, but this is beyond that. This isn’t a few months’ worth of friendship and constant time spent together, this is a man who’s spent years with no spare time, skipping out on sleep in favor of providing for his brothers. This is a man who taught himself to thrive under pressure for the sheer sake of survival.
Now, the pressure remains, but his time is tenfold. How is anyone meant to unlearn a work ethic so ingrained into their system at the snap of a finger?
When you’re busy with life’s obligations, it’s easy to be willing to lose sleep to find time for yourself and your passions, but when that life is ripped from the fabric of your being, it feels downright wrong to spend any spare time indulging in oneself.
And for someone like Sukuna, someone who feels he’s failed everyone around him, that feeling only increases tenfold. It exists on the outer edges of his psyche, sticking to him like glue and threatening to pull him under. It’s a painfully suffocating way to live.
Swiping your tongue across your lower lip, your gaze falls to the blinds. “Can I open those?” You ask, pointing behind him.
He grunts, the barest of shrugs following it.
Moving past him, you pull the blinds open on his window, letting the overcast light pour into the room. Sukuna rubs his eyes behind you, squinting to adjust to the light.
Standing behind him, you frown. “Why don’t you go home?”
“Can’t.”
“Why not?” You push, your brow furrowing with how painfully stubborn this man is.
“Missed almost a week. Gotta make up for it,” he replies almost robotically, rolling his neck. It pops as he picks up his iPad, not sparing a moment as he gets back to it.
Making your way back around to the front of his desk, you worriedly take in his features as daylight streams in, illuminating the surfaces of his office. The thin sheen of sweat remains on his skin, clinging to his forehead in a way that makes him look sickly. Paired with a gaunt and empty expression and dark circles under his eyes that resemble bruises, you can only imagine the pain he’s going through.
“When was the last time you ate?”
Sukuna’s gaze rises slowly, before trailing to the side as he considers your question. Sighing, he rubs his forehead. “Fuck,” he mumbles. “Dunno, princess. I had a protein bar at some point last night.”
Your gut twists in further horror at the revelation. “You’re gonna make yourself sick,” you mumble.
He lowers his hand from his forehead, staring blankly at you as he remains silent. His eyes flicker across your features as you stand your ground. When you don’t receive a response, you move to the edge of his desk, digging into the bag you’d left on the surface when you entered the room. Pulling out your lunch, you set it on the desk and slide it across to him.
“I’m not eating your lunch,” he gruffs, staring at the tupperware.
“You’re not. I packed it for you.”
Anyone else might present such a fact as defiance, but Sukuna knows you too well. It’s done out of the kindness of your heart, because you hate that he never brings lunch. Since the day you first shared your lunch with him, of course he’s taken notice that you always seem to conveniently have too much food, it’s only now that you’re acknowledging it not as too much food, but as a purposeful decision to bring extra for him.
He swallows hard, his adam’s apple bobbing as he stares down at the tupperware. You plop yourself down in a chair in front of his desk, leaning back as you begin eating your leftover pasta salad, forcing Sukuna to sigh. Languidly, he frowns as he takes a hold of the tupperware, popping it open to leftover pizza. The smell alone is enough to make his stomach grumble, and he allows himself to give in, leaning back in his chair.
The room is silent aside from the sound of your fork against plastic as you eat. As hungry as his stomach made him sound, Sukuna struggles to find an appetite, eating in slow motion. You finish far before him, snacking on some fruit you’d packed alongside the two meals. You offer him some, but he shakes his head.
Between bites, you find yourself watching the uncharacteristic way that Sukuna moves. It doesn’t seem like he’s given up. He wouldn’t be working so hard even now if he had, but everything from the way he carries himself to the empty look in his eyes is worse than anything you’ve seen from him over the course of the past few months.
This isn’t distance, or being lost in his own head, this goes beyond that. It’s as though defeat is battering him down and even if he refuses to fall, his body and mind are still taking the brunt of the damage.
“How did yesterday morning go?”
Sukuna stops dead in his tracks, his hand hovering over another slice of pizza. He bites down on his lip as the memory of Yuji screaming out for him is enough to make him shudder. He sucks in a shaky breath, feigning nonchalance as he grabs the slice.
“Fine,” he gruffs, staring blankly at the desk in front of him.
You blink, taking in how tense his jaw is as he forces another bite of food into his mouth. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see through his lies. Either way, he obviously doesn’t want to talk about it, so you move on to your next concern. “Are you okay, Kuna?”
His chewing pauses as the hair on the back of his neck stands on end. He blinks, his gaze still trained blankly on his desk as memories flood his mind of the meaning behind the nickname so dear to his brothers, and now to you.
He grits his teeth, grinding them together hard as his expression hardens. He doesn't spare you a glance as his anger simmers just beneath the surface. As the pain and fear both caused by his loss clash within his mind, his grip on the pizza tightens.
His morphing expression and sudden frozen stance cause you to tilt your head at him. “Kuna?”
He knows it’s not intentional. God damn it, he knows.
But fuck if the continued use of his nickname doesn't poke and prod at that growing fear of losing his own identity. But if he doesn't let you call him that stupid nickname he used to hate (maybe even still does), then who is he, really?
Swallowing, he slowly returns to his meal, though his gaze never once moves from the desk. Trained emptily on the deep wooden grain beneath his forearms. He flexes his jaw, the tight muscles aching from the pressure he put them under. “I’m fine.”
The words almost sound as though they choke him. Worrying your lower lip between your teeth, you search for anything you can do to find answers, to find a reaction, to find any signs of life within him.
Your stare brings Sukuna’s crimson irises up from the table, his vision catching on the way you chew on your lower lip. He doesn't have the mental fortitude right now to consider the way his gaze hangs on the movement, or the way he has to forcibly tear his gaze away.
He grabs the last piece of pizza as silence continues to permeate the air. It’s not the usual comfortable one, either. It hangs as heavy and thick as the fog in his brain, clinging to you both with the weight of Sukuna’s situation.
There's more to it, though. You’re tense too, more so than usual, now that Sukuna can get a better look at you. Whatever it is that hangs over you, it goes beyond concern regarding his thinly veiled lie of how he’s doing. His brow furrows as his thoughts seem to stall.
He actually considers slamming his head against the desk in an effort to clear his thoughts, but even with the fog of weariness clouding his brain, he knows that’s stupid.
Clearing his throat, he rests his arm against his desk, the remainder of the pizza you brought him held between his fingers. “You alright?”
“Hm?” Your brow raises, his words taking a moment to register when he pulls you from your thoughts. “Oh- yeah, I’m good!” You shoot him a reassuring smile, your eyes crinkling at the corners as you feign your own well-being. You don’t need to give Sukuna any reason to worry.
His eye twitches, but he drops the subject. Whether he believes you, or he’s too tired to argue, you can’t be sure.
FInishing up your fruit in silence, you cast a glance at the time, packing your lunch back up into the tupperware and tossing it into the tote bag you brought it in. “I should get back to work, but I’ll be back at five sharp because I’m taking you home,” you tell him in the most authoritative voice you can muster. He opens his mouth to retort, but you interrupt before he can get a word in. “See you in a bit.”
With that, you slip out the door before he can argue with you, leaving him in his office in silence.
On the walk back to your desk, you fall into step with Yuki, who happens to be returning from lunch at the same time.
“Hey, where’d you disappear to?” She inquires with a tilt of her head. Her blonde hair cascades to the side as she curiously regards you.
“I was having lunch with Sukuna,” you explain, pointing a thumb over your shoulder. “I went to check on him, he slept here overnight,” you grimace.
“You’re kidding.” Yuki casts a glance back at his office, the door slightly ajar from how you’d left it. “Was he really behind, or something?”
You shrug. “He didn’t give me much of an explanation, he just mentioned deadlines.”
Yuki shakes her head. “Poor guy. He didn’t even take that much time off.”
“Yeah… I’m gonna take the bus home with him.” You nod to yourself. “At least then I can make sure he gets some sleep in a bed.”
“Wait, does he at least have a couch in his office to sleep on?”
You shake your head.
“Oh my god, I can feel his back pain from here,” she winces in horror, rubbing her shoulder at the thought.
You chuckle quietly to yourself. “It’s not like he’d fit on a couch anyway.”
“You have a point,” she agrees, chuckling alongside you as you settle into your desk to work for the afternoon.
It passes quickly, even with a multitude of distractions, courtesy of your brain’s ability to cling to every concern like you owe it money. The amount of times you find yourself re-reading some of the paragraphs in an effort to actually understand the text laid out for you says a lot about your own well-being. It’s not exactly easy to edit when your mind keeps jumping back between Sukuna’s exhausted expression and the paper you missed the deadline for.
Still, you manage to make it through the day without falling behind, which is a relief because you’re not sure if you could handle falling behind on work as well as school.
Packing your laptop into your bag and shutting off your monitor, you wish Yuki a good night as you cross the office to get Sukuna.
When you push his door open, you find him hunched over his iPad with a concentrated expression and a multitude of printed pages and pencil sketches spread across the table. You tilt your head to get a better look at some of them as Sukuna works away, not even acknowledging you.
None of the art strewn across his desk is in a style you’re used to seeing from him. Most of his art for the covers that you’ve seen tends to be in one of two different styles. Either a character with rounded features and bold lines, similar to how he draws for his brothers to color, or in a painterly style reminiscent of old children’s novels. What lays across his desk, however, is a variety of different styles.
“Trying out something new?” You query, finally gaining his attention as his eyes flicker up to you, before he glances at the clock in the corner of his screen.
“Somethin’ like that,” he grumbles out in reply. “Gimme a moment.”
You nod, peering over his desk curiously to catch a glimpse of his current piece. You can’t decipher what project the cover is for based on what he’s done so far, but it’s also a far stretch from his usual art. Bold lines and equally bold colors come together to make a heavily stylized car on a stretch of road with cacti dotted along the background.
It’s gorgeous, but unusual.
“Nosy,” Sukuna mutters, meant to be a playful dig at your curiosity, though it lacks any lilt that could be seen as teasing, coming across more like an irritated grunt.
“Sorry,” you mumble, taking a step back.
“I’m kidding, princess. I don’t care if you look,” he sighs, shutting his iPad off and tucking it in his bag.
“Oh,” you frown, having a tough time reading him as he stands up to pull his jacket on. Raking his fingers through his hair, he pushes it back to the best of his ability, though it still lays in a disheveled manner on his head.
Without another word, Sukuna comes up behind you, nudging you along to lead the way to the bus stop. He remains close behind you as you reach the stop in silence, hands in his pockets as he stares at nothing in particular on the horizon while you take a seat on a bench as you await transit.
“What’s got you trying so many different styles?” You query, peering up at the nearly seven-foot-tall man.
He scratches at the stubble dotting his chin, shrugging. “Just felt like time, I guess.”
You catch the distant glaze that shimmers in his eyes, the way his pupils shrink as they flicker aimlessly from side to side, taking in the buildings across the road. There’s more to this, more to his weary expressions and empty replies, but he’s made it clear you aren’t getting anything out of him.
He’s strangely put-together in comparison to the state you had expected to find him in.
Sure, he’s not all there and unwilling to talk, but you had honestly expected mania. You’d been mentally preparing yourself for monumental anxiety and anger, converging into one horribly pissed off man.
But he just seems exhausted. You can sympathize with that, but you have yet to decide whether this version of Sukuna is more or less worrisome than the man who hides his emotions behind anger.
Moving along, you continue to try to create conversation. “Hey, do you want to go out on Friday? A group of us are going to the bar, you should come.”
“Nah, I’ll just-”
“Come on, it’ll be fun!” You attempt to encourage him. “I got sent the details earlier today. Toji, Uraume, and Atsuya will be there.”
“I’m good,” he declines again.
“Please, Kuna,” you plead as you get to your feet at the sight of the bus in the distance.
He spares you a glance, his chest rising and falling as he silently sighs. “Your friends won’t want me there.”
“Kento invited you.”
His brow twitches as he eyes you, boarding the bus and heading to the back where there are two available seats across from one another. Sukuna leans against the bus window, inadvertently tangling his legs with yours as you take a seat in the tight space across from him.
“Since when does he want me around?”
You understand Sukuna’s uncertainty regarding Kento’s motives given that you’d shared the same question. “He wants you there since you’re my friend. It’d be nice for you to get to know one another.”
His chest slowly rises before he puffs out a breath. The window gains a layer of fog for a moment, clearing when Sukuna’s gaze slides to the side. He stares out the window silently as he weighs his options. Giving your knee a nudge with his own, he gives in with a huff. “Fine. Text me the details.”
It doesn’t matter how shitty he’s feeling, or how little he really wants to go, the way your expression relaxes and your eyes light up helps to ease his pain. It doesn’t meet his eyes, but his lip quirks up into a hint of a smirk before his temple hits the window as he turns his attention back to the blur of trees, concrete, and passing vehicles.
Sukuna’s never been particularly enthusiastic or energetic- but it’s rare that he simply won’t entertain any conversation. You know it’s been an exhausting few weeks, especially as the world keeps on moving- with or without you both- but it’s equally clear that Sukuna needs a break.
Hell, maybe you both do.
Chewing on your lip, you find yourself watching the passing vehicles, as well. You can’t help but wonder what’s going through Sukuna’s mind, what he’s thinking about, how he’s feeling- you want to ask, but the only type of communication he seems even the slightest bit responsive to is touch.
Your gaze trails down to the space between you, where your legs are leaning against one another. Moving your foot closer to him, your calf brushes his. His gaze doesn’t move from the window, but he does pull his leg back to tangle it around your extended foot.
Maybe he’s at wit’s end, but it brings you solace to know that he still finds comfort within you.
The silence grows comfortable as you find your place within his world, watching passing cars. As your stop approaches, Sukuna lazily lifts his arm to hit the alarm for your stop.
You tilt your head at him. “I’ll walk you to your apartment.” It’s more of a statement than an offer, catching Sukuna’s attention as he sits upright across from you, his gaze trailing your expression.
“Cute,” he hums lowly, “but you should go home.”
Apprehensively, you search for the words to convince him otherwise, but his mind’s made up. As the bus slows when your stop approaches, he lifts your bag from under your seat, setting it on your lap.
“Go home, princess.” He encourages hollowly as he unravels his leg from yours.
As the bus halts and the doors open, you can only frown as he gives you a nudge, practically shooing you out the door. “See you Thursday?” You ask hopefully, pausing just before you hop onto the concrete outside.
He grunts.
–
Time seems to pass… differently.
You can’t say for sure what it is that gives you that feeling, but you swear everything is either long and drawn out with no signs of speeding up, or everything passes in the blink of an eye. Classes drag on, but honestly you find yourself thankful for it given that you’re actually grasping some of the material now. No longer do they pass before you can really focus with only thoughts of Sukuna, Yuji, and Choso to fill your time, but in place of those thoughts come a dozen other worries.
You hadn’t found the empathy you were hoping for in your professor, who deemed that you would simply need to take a zero on your delinquent paper for what he claimed was your own doing. It meant pouring more time into Copy Editing, on top of what you already had missed.
Your days are long, your nights longer as you study and attempt to make up for lost time with your scholarship potentially at risk.
Work is equally stressful between having another thing to manage and the fact that every time you enter Sukuna’s office, you’re pretty sure one or two more empty coffee cups have miraculously appeared out of thin air. He was going home every night now at the very least, though if you’re being honest with yourself you don’t think that’s because he feels the need to.
After the meeting with his lawyer, he’d grown infinitely quieter. It doesn’t matter how hard you push, it’s damn near radio silence from your friend. He’s not receptive in the slightest to any attempts to appeal to him. You can see it taking a toll on him. You know him well enough to know that each empty cup of coffee is another worry thrown to the wall and another wound he’s forcibly bandaging. It shows in the way his demeanor dulls every time you see him.
If this is what it takes for him to cope, then you suppose it’s better than a world where he’s alone on the washroom floor. If you’re honest with yourself, that image keeps you up at night. You wonder if his nights alone are spent that way now, but he simply refuses to reach out, too caught up in the hollow feeling that surrounds him.
You thank whoever above will listen that he doesn’t bail on your Friday night plans, even if you find yourself feeling as though you should bail. As much as you’re worried about Sukuna, you’re drowning in your own worries now too, which is why Friday night manages to take you by surprise.
Your nose is buried in a textbook when your phone goes off.
5:38 PM Kuna || you taking the bus to the bar
5:38 PM Kuna || ?
It takes a moment for the time to settle in. Shit. You should be leaving right now and you’re sitting in a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie with books stacked to your shoulders piled on your desk.
Pushing up from your desk to run and get ready, you type out a quick response.
5:40 PM You || That's the plan!
In a rush to be at least somewhat on time, you miss the message he leaves you that he’s planning on taking the bus with you and that he’ll be there in a few minutes. So, when he texts you that he’s at your place while you’re in the middle of doing your makeup, you’re running to the door with mascara done on one eye.
Swinging it open, you find Sukuna staring down at you with his signature frown, his expression stoic as ever. His hands are tucked into the pockets of his leather jacket, a silver chain laying across his collar bones. If it weren’t for the fact that his demeanor screams exhaustion and his hair is fairly windswept, you’d almost take him for being at ease. Those who don’t know him well may even assume he is.
He raises a brow, his gaze flickering between your eyes.
“Think you missed a spot,” he comments dryly, a hint of a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips as though he can’t see the mascara in your hand.
Playfully rolling your eyes, you step aside to let him in. “Sorry, I missed your text. I’m running a bit behind.”
Sukuna quietly shrugs, crimson irises trailing after you as he watches you head back to finish your makeup. His gaze never falters as he watches you lean over the sink to get a better look in the mirror. Slowly, his vision drops, following the arch of your back until he’s openly staring at your ass.
Catching himself before he can think too much of it, he blinks, clearing his throat.
“Sorry, I’m almost done!” You call out at the sound. He grunts, though he doesn’t mind waiting.
You’re ready only a few moments later after changing into a skirt and a small, red sleeveless collared shirt, moving in a flurry as you gather your phone and belongings, tucking everything into place before leading the way out the door.
Taking the bus together finds you in a familiar position across from Sukuna, who naturally- or maybe even subconsciously- tangles your legs together.
It may be him who usually finds comfort in you, but you find your shoulders relaxing as you smile down at your intertwined legs. For once, you let yourself enjoy his presence too. With everything Sukuna’s going through, you can’t bring yourself to wallow in your own worries around him, but even if he’s unaware, his company does wonders to ease your stress.
Relaxing into the seat, you smile softly at the hardened man whose attention hasn’t left you since you barely made it to the bus in time.
He clears his throat, his expression unreadable as he mutters, “you look good.”
Your cheeks warm, heat rising to the tips of your ears as you tilt your head with a sweet smile. “Thanks, Kuna.”
His brow twitches, but he remains otherwise aloof as ever.
“You look good, too,” you return his compliment as butterflies burst within your stomach. In the moments that follow sweet interactions with Sukuna, there’s usually a wistful feeling that accompanies your longing. One that you know all-too-well as the telltale reminder that he doesn’t return your feelings, but as your heart pounds a little bit faster in your chest, you’re met with something different.
Uncertainty. Maybe even a little bit of hope, no matter how delusional the thought may be as you cling to Kento’s words from earlier in the week. You know better than to cling to what could be nothing more than a dream, though.
“Who’s gonna be at the bar?” Sukuna mumbles across from you, although you’re already only a couple of stops away.
“Shoko and Kento for sure, Satoru organized it, so Suguru and probably Toji will be there-”
“Toji? What does he have to do with Satoru?” Sukuna hums, confusion written across his features.
“Oh-! They’re really close now.”
He snorts. “You’re pullin’ my leg.”
“I’m not.” You shake your head, continuing to list attendees as some sort of pang thrums in Sukuna’s chest. He scowls down at his lap, something akin to hurt, or maybe even jealousy at the thought that Toji’s found someone to take Sukuna’s place. But who is he to judge who Toji spends his time with? It’s not like Sukuna’s been around in almost four years, there’s no one else to blame but himself.
He inhales a long, deep breath, grateful when the bus lurches to a stop a couple of blocks away from the bar and your train of thought comes to a close before you can ask for Sukuna’s thoughts on whatever you’d been talking about. It’d be a lost cause, he had stopped listening after hearing Toji’s name.
The bar is a couple of blocks away from Satoru’s frat house, Sukuna recognizes the neighborhood. Last time he was in the area was the night that the two of you headed to Strip Joint (the chicken place, of course), after leaving the party.
It feels like years ago, yet he thinks that may be the moment when it really sank in just how fucked Sukuna really was. Not just with the weight of the lawsuit and responsibility, but with you, too.
You lead the way to a sports bar, the neon sign shining brightly over the pavement below your feet, illuminating the lot in a red and blue glow. Sukuna holds the door open for you, revealing a bustling bar with the latest pop hits playing from the overhead speakers, while a number of TVs line the walls. Each one is playing whatever games are on, though it seems as though most of the focus is on some football game.
If you had to guess, this was probably Toji’s choice. It’s not as nice as Satoru’s usual choices, but that just means your wallet gets a break for once.
Bottles of various liquors from around the world line an array of glass shelves across the back of the establishment, a pale and worn counter spread in front of the bartenders. They push drinks across to various patrons, each bottle replaced with a clink as it hits the glass shelf.
Tucked in the corner is a large ‘U’ shaped table with a larger group than you had originally expected.
Suguru, Satoru, Toji, a man you don’t recognize, Uraume, Atsuya, Yu, Kento, Shoko’s friend Iori, Shoko, and finally space for you and Sukuna, last to arrive thanks to your inability to tell time. Your tattooed friend signals for you to slide in first beside Shoko and across from Satoru and Toji. It’s a tight squeeze, leaving your thighs and shoulders brushing.
As you greet your friends, Sukuna silently evaluates the table. He knew his friends began to merge with yours at some point, but even then he hadn’t realized to what extent, as Uraume and Suguru happily converse from across the table as though Toji, Satoru, and one of the business students Sukuna scarcely recognizes as Shiu aren’t sitting between them having a conversation of their own. That feeling from earlier twists within his stomach again as Toji barks a laugh at something the business student says.
Shoving the feeling down, he picks up a menu, scanning it for the cheapest drink with the highest alcohol content.
While most of the table share surprised glances at the sight of Sukuna, Satoru doesn’t hesitate to make his feelings known, much to your dismay.
“I don’t remember sending an invite out to you,” the frat boy pointedly glares across the table, challenging Sukuna’s presence.
It doesn’t matter how many pieces of Sukuna have vanished. It doesn’t matter how many are scattered across the floor, bent, broken, and not worthy of fixing.
Sukuna doesn’t back down from a challenge.
“You gonna cry about it?” His words don’t even have venom, there’s no real ill intent behind them. He’s not having fun rising to the challenge of a fellow student like he would have so many months ago. His words are meant only to keep up the reputation that even at his lowest, he refuses to tarnish.
Satoru, on the other hand, takes the bait. He wants the challenge. You’re pretty sure to some extent they enjoy egging one another on, but there’s no gleam in Sukuna’s eyes this time. He leans back, slumping in the seat with crossed arms as Satoru scoffs.
Ignoring Sukuna’s hollow taunt, he continues. “Oh, that’s right. I forgot you think you get to treat everyone like shit and still show up unannounced.” His voice rises enough that it pulls the rest of the table from their conversations, all eyes on a charged up Satoru and drained Sukuna.
Red irises flicker down to the menu once more as Sukuna prays the waiter arrives soon. He needs a drink to handle Satoru on a good day, but now?
He’s not even angry with the man across the table from him for putting him on the spot in front of everyone. He’s completely devoid of any real opinion over whatever Satoru has to throw at him, because Sukuna knows.
He knows he treated you like shit. He knows he treated Toji like shit. Satoru’s reminder doesn’t open that wound any further, it’s already bleeding at the sight of Toji replacing him (rightfully so).
But Sukuna can’t let Satoru know just how low he’s gotten. He’s too prideful for that, still. “Yeah, lucky me,” he neutrally replies.
Satoru’s brow twitches into a furrow. Sukuna’s replies, although exactly what Satoru was fishing for, aren’t filled with the bravado he’s come to expect. Unfortunately, the frat boy just never knows when to drop something.
“That’s it? Lucky you?”
“Satoru-” Suguru attempts to interrupt, with a hand on his friend’s shoulder, but he’s shrugged off as the white-haired man continues.
“No, fuck that. You think you get to parade around and piss everyone off, then drop out and we’ll all just- what? Forget about it?”
Sukuna’s eyes zero in on Satoru again, a nerve struck at the mention of dropping out. His lip curls into a snarl as he replies. “That’s none of your fucking business.”
“You made it my fucking business when I had to start placing bets on whether or not she’d be crying every day at lunch!” Satoru snaps back, bringing the table to a deathly silence as he points in your direction.
You shrink in on yourself as Sukuna pushes up from the end of the table. “I should go,” he mutters under his breath. Anything else, god, anything else and he might have a retort, but with you sitting beside him as proof of his errors, he doesn’t have it in him to disappoint you by fighting with your friend anymore.
“Satoru, that’s enough,” Kento’s authoritative voice rings out across the table. He fixes the frat boy with a glare, locking eyes with Sukuna who’s one turn of his heel away from leaving. “Sukuna, I invited you. You’re welcome here.”
“What the hell, Kento-”
“Shut up, man,” Toji grunts beside Satoru, nudging him. Fire rages behind his eyes as he watches Sukuna’s gaze round the table, before landing on you. The table’s attention shifts, all pairs of eyes watching a silent exchange.
You stare up at him with a pretty pout. Regardless of Satoru’s (somewhat) good intention to protect you from Sukuna, he’d still called attention to something that you can’t deny. Sukuna had hurt you. Regardless, there’s a plea behind your eyes.
“Stay.”
Sukuna’s never been particularly good at denying you. His gaze flickers to Kento, who gives him a minute nod, and Sukuna takes a seat once more, ignoring Satoru’s glower.
The table returns to chatter after a moment as both men quiet down. You reassuringly nudge your friend beside you, but his attention is given in full to the menu beneath his fingertips as he leans over the table, his forehead on the ball of his palm.
As a waitress pops by to take orders, everyone gets a variety of different cocktails and beer. You order a Moscow Mule, while Sukuna just shrugs and says he’ll have the same. Before the waitress can leave, he stops her and requests Everclear in place of whatever smoother Vodka they may have used.
You may not drink often, but you recognize the name well enough to know what the intention of Everclear is. It tastes like shit, at the cost of being just about one of the most alcoholic drinks you can get in a restaurant.
You blink in surprise at his request, lips parting. “Are you okay?” You whisper, leaning close enough that he can feel your breath fanning his collar.
“Peachy,” he grumbles, clearly still frustrated over the debacle with Satoru.
Shoko, likeminded, leans over to ask you whether he’s okay as well, keeping her voice low as she mutters the question in your ear.
You shrug, sharing her worried glance.
It doesn’t matter that Shoko still isn’t thrilled with Sukuna, ordering Everclear at a friendly get-together after getting into it with Satoru is enough to make anyone’s warning bells sound. “How’s he been lately, anyway?”
Casting a glance at Sukuna, who’s turned towards the TV behind the bar, away from the table, you hesitate. What the hell are you supposed to say to that? ‘Oh, you know. I don’t think he’s slept in a week, I watched him break down multiple times, and- oh! How could I forget? He lost custody of his only family’.
That’ll go over well.
Turning back to Shoko, you lean in close enough to keep yourself out of earshot of the rest of the table. “If you mean towards me, he’s been…” you pause, searching for the right word, “sweet.” You’re not sure if it’s exactly the descriptor that’s the most fitting, but as far as Sukuna goes, he’s been sweet to you.
“And in general?”
It’s a dumb question and she knows it as she sees his Moscow Mule get set on the table, watching in horror as he downs at least half of it without so much as blinking. It could be water for all you know based on his reaction, or lack thereof.
“Scratch that. What the hell happened?” She changes her question as Sukuna leans back against the table, his eyes trained on the football game.
“What didn’t?” You groan as Sukuna drowns his shortcomings in alcohol.
“That bad?”
“Whatever you’re imagining, it’s probably worse.”
Shoko raises a brow. “Well, shit.” She chews on the inside of her cheek, contemplating his well-being. Setting a hand on your forearm, she turns her attention to you. “How are you doing? I feel like you’ve been dodging my texts to hang out.”
Groaning, you lift your gaze to the ceiling as your voice returns to a normal volume. “I’m so sorry about that. I missed a deadline on a paper and I’m super behind.”
“Shit,” she hums thoughtfully, pulling an olive from her drink and popping it in her mouth. The toothpick it was skewered with rests between her lips as she continues. “How behind are we talking?”
“Enough,” you chuckle dryly. “The prof won’t let me make up the paper I missed, so I basically need an eighty-five or higher on the final if I don’t wanna hear from an Academic Advisor about withholding my degree or making me pay for the semester for violating the scholarship’s terms.”
“Asshole,” she scoffs in reference to your professor. “Eighty five, huh? Guess it could be worse.”
You nod. “At least this is my last semester.”
“Lucky,” she quips with a wry smile. “Doesn’t your scholarship help with job placement, too?”
“Mhm. The company that sponsors it has a lot of connections, it’s probably how I got my internship in the first place.”
“I thought you just applied there normally.”
“I did,” you affirm, taking a sip of your drink. “But my applications mentioned that I have a Kamo Corporation scholarship, so they probably just chose me because of that,” you shrug.
“That’s a bleak way of looking at it,” she mutters, shrugging as she downs the first half of her drink. “Do you like it there?”
Your eyes crinkle at the corners as you grin. “It’s great, wait- I need to catch you up on the office drama,” you excitedly tell her, launching into conversation.
The table begins to mellow as alcohol flows through the blood of everyone at the table after the first round of drinks. With the first sip of his second drink of what may as well be disinfectant, even Sukuna loosens up somewhat as you find him leaning a bit closer, his demeanor calm as listens in to your explanation of your shitty coworker Reggie and his antics. He even chimes in every so often to offer a detail about the office, earning the occasional laugh from Shoko and Iori, who joins the conversation as well.
Midway through his second drink, Sukuna even finds himself feeling okay for the first time this week. The haze of liquor enshrouds his mind and blocks out shitty memories, bringing with it a comfortable buzz that allows him to relax. The pain dulls, sedating the voice at the back of his head screaming that he’s a failure, until it’s nearly mute, and with each sip he finds himself chasing the quiet that it brings him.
It’s funny, that in the far corner of a noisy sports bar with some top forties hit blaring over the speakers, he finds a slice of tranquility. By his third drink, he’s even comfortable.
As the conversation shifts to Shoko’s odd classmates and Kento and Yu end up chiming in, you turn to Sukuna.
“How are you feeling?”
Hazy eyes shift towards you as his chin remains leaning on his palm. “Okay,” he replies simply, though it’s the first time he’s sounded convincing in a while.
You inspect his features, but there’s no crease between his brow, no slight downturn of his lips, and no anger hidden within his eyes. He looks at ease. Whether or not that’s something to be happy about, you have yet to decide. Of course you want him to be able to relax and you had figured a night out would do his mental health good, but something tickles at the back of your mind.
Like an itch you can’t scratch, the reminder that he’s casually sipping on Everclear remains there no matter how hard you try to shake it. It’s not exactly something you can ignore, not when he orders his third drink. You eye his glass, uncertainty and concern brimming in your chest.
That’s the equivalent of, what? Six normal drinks? Seven, maybe even eight? All within the span of an hour, and you’re barely halfway through your second.
“Are you sure?”
Sensing your unease, he swirls his cup momentarily, sitting up and nudging you with his thigh. “Positive, princess.”
You can’t help but feel as though he’s chasing answers at the bottom of a bottle. Either that, or he’s searching for a way to cope that doesn’t leave him hollow.
Though, looking at the way his eyes don’t leave you for a moment, you wonder if there’s something deeper to it. Like he’s not just searching for a way to cope without leaving him hollow, but also way to cope without stretching you to your limit. Like he’s trying to spare you from being pulled under by his ocean of problems.
You’ve watched him tear himself apart and offer pieces to those around him until he has nothing left to give, is this the culmination of it all? A man who seeks sedation in order to hide from the fact that there are no pieces of himself to pick up at the end of this all? Because the man who used to only know how to take has given so much that there’s nothing left?
You and Toji hold the last two pieces left of himself. You protect whatever is left of the Sukuna you’ve grown to love, and his connection to Toji remains tense, at the end of the day.
Worst of all, he won’t allow you to give it back, like it’s easier to simply observe what happens around him while he slowly fades away.
Trauma shaped him into a man who reacted with anger out of fear in order to protect himself. At the end of the day, it never mattered how tired he was, he would fight to protect the care and joy he still carried within. When you came along, you provided respite, allowed him the chance to take a breath and relax.
But new trauma tore that away, and as it tears and rips at the shreds of him that remain, you can only watch as the man filled with joy and care disappears, leaving only the anger, the anxiety, and worse still, complete and utter lack of- well- anything at all.
You should be happy to see him relaxed. Hell, you are. It was your first thought upon seeing the tension in his shoulders dissolve, but somehow, this is worse.
Chewing on your lip, you set your hand on his wrist, sliding your fingers beneath the sleeve of his leather jacket. He’s warm, even more so than usual, his eyes sliding down to the feeling of your hand on his skin, smoothing along his tattooed skin. His pupils are so blown his eyes are almost completely void of the familiar crimson.
You know he won’t talk to you about what happened when he lost the kids. No matter how hard you push, he’s locked that memory away and refuses to bring it to light, as though if he dares to let it out, it might hurt him again. But there has to be something going on that you aren’t privy to, because you don’t know how to navigate a world where Sukuna still seeks your comfort, but you don’t know how to provide it.
“How are things going with Ms. Harte?” You query, brow drawn together in concern for your friend as you try to pull answers from him.
Foggy eyes meet yours, flickering down to your lips that are drawn into a frown. Tearing his eyes from your lips by force, he casts a glance around the table to make sure no one is listening. Still, his answer doesn’t give you much to work with.
“Fine.”
It sucks. Everything about his completely numb responses sucks. There’s no bigger, wiser word to be used.
It fucking sucks.
How many times has he brushed you off, this week alone? You can’t say for sure, you lost count the day you found him asleep in his office. But even then, he gave you more to work with than this.
So, what really happened with his lawyer?
“I don’t believe you,” you mutter, causing his drunken numbness to falter. A crease forms between his brows as he evaluates your expression, filled with concern.
His jaw clenches before he takes another sip of his drink. Whatever he’s wrestling with mentally, it dissolves as Everclear numbs him. “Things… don’ look good,” he admits, his words slurring as he stares straight through you. He’s clearly even more drunk than you realized.
“What happened?” You push.
He checks again that no one is listening in. “‘S hard t’ guarantee a fair trial,” he shrugs. “We got three weeks t’ submit a retrial ‘r whatever, but-” he cuts himself off, shrugging again. “Not like we got any new evidence.”
Keeping your voice low, you lean closer to Sukuna. “Are you okay? Like, really.”
He tilts his head to the side, his judgement clouded by enough alcohol to sedate a bear. His eyes take no time in locking onto your lips. “‘M fine.”
Fine. Fine. Always fine.
“God, Sukuna,” you sigh, leaning back in your seat and breaking him from his stupor. “You’re so frustrating. I just wish you’d talk to me.”
His expression doesn’t change as he watches you. You wonder how much of this he can even make sense of in such a state, a slight sway to his movements as he rolls his wrist over the table to motion to you.
“‘M talkin’ to you now.”
Your brow raises at his- well- stupidity, for lack of a better word.
Sighing, you shake your head. You figured his lips would be a bit more loose given how drunk he is, that maybe he might let some sort of detail spill, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
He’s completely and utterly plastered, and- oh. Oh, great. He’s waving the waitress over to order another.
What would that put him at? The equivalent of ten shots within an hour?
This is dangerous, even for a man of his stature, and it;s clear he’s not thinking straight.
“Sukuna, stop-” you tug on his bicep before he can get the words out, shaking your head at her. “Water, please. He’d like water.”
“What? No, I-”
“Water coming right up,” the server nods, catching your drift.
“What th’ hell?” Sukuna growls, turning to face you with a frustrated scowl.
Grabbing a hold of his forearm, you cling to the leather of his jacket. “Sukuna, please. Just have some water in between,” you plead.
Whether it’s the look of concern on your face, or the way he’s completely and utterly distracted by your lips again, he backs down.
You’re not a fool either, you’ve noticed. You’ve noticed each and every time, and your heart stutters and jumps and your hands shake as you try to convince yourself that he’s just drunk. Some part of you, deep down, no matter how much you try to bury it, knows that he thinks you’re attractive. That’s why he kissed you in the first place last year. But that’s not what you want, and you’re not about to let yourself get caught up in those thoughts.
You can’t cling to Kento’s assumptions about Sukuna’s feelings.
Especially not when he’s this drunk.
Begrudgingly, Sukuna sips on the water placed in front of him, finding himself staring at the table as conversation continues on around him. Half of the table is discussing future plans, which he has no desire to contribute to, while the other half is discussing how Satoru is about to become a godfather.
He has even less of a desire to discuss kids, mostly tuning out everyone around him.
“You? Excited to be a godfather?” Suguru quips, amused. “I never thought I’d see the day.”
“It’s not like I’m having my own kid, I’m not ready for that!” He retorts, chuckling behind a glass of something that looks outside of your budget. “But I’d be a good dad,” he nods assuredly.
Toji snorts, amused. “You’re a fuckin’ frat boy,” he points out.
“I mean, yeah, I said I’m not ready yet,” he agrees with a shrug, “but I’ll be a great dad. Better than you,” he teases snidely.
Toji, unaffected, just shrugs. “Yeah, probably.”
It’s not your business, but you’ve seen glimpses of what Toji could be like, and you actually disagree. You keep your mouth shut, regardless.
“I think we can all agree Yu would make a great parent,” Shoko pipes up, directing attention to the blushing man who’s waving his hands dismissively through the air.
“Yeah, and this asshole would be the worst,” Satoru sneers, directing attention towards Sukuna.
The tone of the table drops very suddenly as Sukuna lifts his head from where it rests against the ball of his palm, fixing Satoru with a deathly stare. Half of the table knows. Half of the table is completely unaware.
And the half that knows have eyes wider than a chasm, horror plastered across their features.
“The hell’s that s’posed t’ mean?” Sukuna growls lowly, a newfound venom returning to him, like even alcohol can’t numb him from Satoru’s offensive words.
“C’mon, you’d be the worst here by a-”
Satoru is cut off with a cough as Toji hits him in the chest hard enough to make the frat boy reel back, bewildered. “Toji, what-”
“Shut the fuck up, man,” Toji warns, deathly serious.
Satoru, confused, rubs the spot where Toji smacked him.
“Nah, let ‘im continue,” Sukuna hisses, only leaving Satoru further disoriented.
Unfortunately for the table, the frat boy’s a lightweight, and he’s already had too much to think clearly. Rather than heeding Toji’s warning, he take’s Sukuna’s bait. “It’s not that deep, he’s just an asshole and he’d be just as bad of a dad as he is a friend,” Satoru affronts, having no clue what exactly he’s walked into, even as Toji and Uraume both warn him to stop. But this is Satoru, when does he ever listen?
“You don’ know th’ first thing about me, you prick,” Sukuna barks, his words horribly slurred under layers of inebriation. The table shakes as he stands suddenly. “‘Nd you don’t know th’ first thing ‘bout being a father,” he adds, earning more eyes on your table as he raises his voice enough to garner the attention of other bar patrons.
Suddenly, the football game doesn’t seem nearly as interesting to the onlookers as the giant tattooed man about to square off with the overly cocky and confident Satoru Gojo.
“Sukuna, it’s okay, let’s just-” You ignore the pounding of your heart as you rise to your feet and earn a number of stares yourself, but Sukuna’s burning in his own rage.
The implication behind Sukuna’s words goes right over Satoru’s head as he rolls his eyes. “Oh, and you do? Puh-lease,” Satoru dramatically groans in an effort to get a rise out of Sukuna. “You couldn’t even finish college, how are you supposed to provide for a-”
“Satoru!” You call across the table, placing a hand on Sukuna’s chest to prevent him from lunging across the table and strangling your arrogant friend. “Stop, please.”
For once, Satoru actually listens, if only because he’s somewhat stunned that it’s you stopping him.
“Nah, he’s right,” Sukuna growls, a twisted smirk crossing his lips. He presses against your palm as he leans in, his skin burning with warmth through the thin material of his shirt. You can’t be sure whether it’s from the alcohol or the flames that dance behind his eyes. “Say what y’re thinkin’ since you’re so much better,” he pushes, eyes narrowing. “‘M a womanizer, got fuckin’ daddy issues, can’t stay ‘n school, strapped f’r cash, right?”
Satoru’s lips part, the fun in pushing Sukuna’s buttons dissolving as things become a little bit too real. His gaze slides between the brute and you, searching for answers.
“Kuna, come on,” you plead, pressing harder against his chest, but he either doesn’t feel it or simply doesn’t care in his furious state.
“That’s what y’think, isn’t it?” He hisses, completely ignoring you, blinded by rage. The patrons that surround you have gone deathly silent as even the ambient clinking of glasses and laughter dies from the air. “‘Nd maybe y’re right,” he tacks on, relieving the pressure on your hand as he stands up straight, some form of disdain crossing his face. “I’d be a shit dad.”
Bewildered, Satoru can only stare, his eyes whipping wildly between everyone at the table as though he might be the only one who missed the memo, but there’s a variety of confused stares tucked within your group of friends. Uraume, Toji, Shoko, and Kento all share horrified expressions, but no one else is privy to the turmoil raging within your friend.
Hell, even Shoko doesn’t know the full extent, though you’re sure three shots of Everclear was enough to tip her off to something going on.
“I, uh-” Satoru pauses, shocked into uncertainty. “I didn’t mean-”
“Fuck you,” Sukuna spits with the most clarity you’ve heard in his speech all night, turning on his heel as he fishes for a cigarette in his pocket and slams the bar door open like it owes him money.
Your jaw hangs ajar, heat searing the skin of your cheeks as you flip around to face the table. You’re met with an equal amount of concern and confusion, but Toji seems to be the only one accustomed enough to Sukuna’s outbursts to bring some sense to the table.
“Way to fuckin’ go, asshole,” he grunts, smacking Satoru on the arm.
“What the hell?” The frat boy recoils, his shoulder knocking into Suguru, who seems to come to.
“What just happened?” Suguru voices what everyone is thinking.
Chewing absently on your lip, you cast a glance back at Sukuna, who you can barely make out against the dark background of the night sky outside the door. “I, um-” you stammer, turning back to the table.
“Go after him,” Uraume urges. They give you a reassuring nod when you hesitate. “I’ll be there in a bit.”
Nodding gratefully, you grab your jacket, shrugging it over your shoulders before jogging out the door.
Your friend doesn’t bother to cast you a glance as he leans against the outside of the bar, flicking ash from the end of his cigarette. The embers sputter out on the concrete below as he takes another long drag, exhaling deeply into the air overhead.
“Are you okay?”
Another drag of his cigarette. Another “fine”.
“Don’t give me that. You’re clearly not,” you push, an air of exasperation to your tone. You can’t help it anymore, of course you would get frustrated when he just won’t talk to you.
His eyes flicker down to you now, hazy with the effects of liquor.
“I know things are hard right now, but how many times do I need to tell you that I’m here for you before you listen?”
His gaze shifts down slightly, settling on your lips. When your words begin to sink in, his vision rises again. He takes another drag of his cigarette, holding his breath as the nicotine soothes his frustrations. Between the nicotine and Everclear, he finds himself oddly at ease, unbothered by the events that went down mere minutes ago.
The wounds are already bleeding, Satoru can’t push the knife that much deeper.
He just shrugs, brushing you off. “I feel fine, princess,” he mutters.
“Yeah I bet,” you scoff, staring out at the parking lot. “You’re just drunk.”
His brow furrows, too inebriated to make sense of this whole ordeal. Shouldn’t you be happy that he’s okay? That even after his blow-up with Satoru, he’s calm? So, why the hell are you so upset?
If he was in his right mind, he might get it. He might see just how frustrating he’s being.
But all he finds when he searches for answers is a sea of confusion.
“‘S that so bad?” He grunts. “Y’wanted me here, didn’t you?”
Turning back towards him, you rub at your temples in an effort to calm down. “I did. I do! but I thought…” you trail off, chewing on your lip as you compose yourself, straightening as you face him. “I thought it would be good for you- for both of us- to spend time with friends and have some drinks-”
“That not what’s goin’ on?” He interrupts, smoke coming out in puffs from his lips with each word.
You stop yourself in your tracks, blinking. Last time you saw him drunk, he’d still seemed in tune with his surroundings. His drinks were likely spread out over the course of multiple hours, watered down by a reasonable amount of soda. You’d be willing to guess he hadn’t had the equivalent of eight or so shots that night, though. He’d probably paced himself. Tonight, though, the liquor hit him hard and fast.
“You’ve had like three times as many drinks as the rest of us,” you point out, hoping he’ll read between the lines of your statement.
“So?”
But he’s far too drunk to be expected to do that. “So, you’re gonna black out if you don’t slow down!”
He’s undeniably very drunk, but even in his current state, he knows better than to say what he wants to say.
Which, in case you’re wondering, is another ‘so?’ but he holds his tongue.
Pushing himself up off the wall, he wobbles slightly as he drops his cigarette on the pavement, stomping it out beneath his boot. Like clockwork, he moves to his pocket to light another one, but your nimble fingers wrap around his wrist, stopping him before he can get the cylinder out of his jacket. He stares you down now, his expression unreadable behind droopy lids and the slight flush to his skin.
Your grip on his wrist tightens as you examine his features. He’s so painfully calm now that you find yourself questioning if you imagined his fight with Satoru. Could this even be the same Sukuna?
Day-to-day, you find yourself wondering how different Sukuna will be lately.
Hell, maybe even moment-to-moment.
You know he’s struggling to find himself amidst the maze of his complicated relationship with failure, but it’s like he’s fallen apart and in an effort to put the pieces back together, he’s been left with gaps.
Whatever version of him it is that stands before you now, he’s bitter and detached. Chewing hard on your lip, you smooth your thumb over his tattooed wrist. His muscles tense for an instant before relaxing under your soothing touch, as though he needs it more than he could even know, himself.
Even if it’s barely a sign, you see him then. Somewhere beneath the facade of indifference and haze of liquor, is your friend, terrified to his core over something that he can’t bring himself to talk about.
“What happened back there?” You ask, your entire demeanor softening.
His mind is stuck in a slog, slowed by his inebriation. It takes a moment for your words to settle in his mind.
“He just…” he trails off, his gaze never leaving your face. “Pissed me off.”
You can understand that, you know those two get under each other’s skin. But there’s more to it, and you know that.
“He didn’t know, Sukuna,” you point out. “He was just trying to get a rise out of you.”
Again, a pause as he thinks. “Yuji called-” he trips over his words, running his tongue over his lower lip as he steadies his mind. “- called me ‘dad’ when ‘e left.”
The air stills. The stars don’t twinkle overhead. The rumbling of distant engines comes to an unsettling halt as Sukuna’s muscles tense beneath your fingers. His hand balls into a fist, but whatever mix of anger, fear, and devastation it is that he feels is fleeting. He has nothing left to give. No tears to cry, no anger to let loose.
He’s tired.
Your lips part as horror shakes you to your core. Your grip on his wrist tightens, the air hanging heavy with his confession as it settles in just how much Satoru had accidentally gotten under Sukuna’s skin. Of course, he’s always struggled separating his duties as a brother with his duties as a guardian, but Satoru hadn’t just gotten under his skin.
He’d accidentally pushed the knife deeper.
That’s why Sukuna had blown up, even in his currently indifferent state.
“Kuna…” You breathe, giving him a small tug towards you until you can wrap your arms around his broad frame. He doesn’t move for a moment, blankly staring at you as his mind catches up. That extra moment allows your warmth to envelop him and his shoulders fall as he melts into your embrace, his eyes flickering shut as he holds you tightly.
Time stills around you as Sukuna shifts, his arms snaking tightly around your waist as he leans down to your level. His breath fans your neck as he rests his chin on your shoulder, letting out a long breath. Heat blooms at the base of your neck where his breath tickles you, rising to the tips of your ears.
You’re sure he can feel, maybe even hear the way your heart races, but he’s too drunk to make heads or tails of it.
“I’m sorry, Kuna.”
He stiffens slightly as he hears his brothers’ voices in the back of his mind, calling out for him. Calling for Kuna. “‘S fine.”
“It’s not,” you pull back and his hands fall to your waist, resting as if they belong there. It certainly doesn’t do your heart any favors to have him holding you so tightly and painfully intimately. Worse still is the way his gaze holds heat that you’d recognize a mile away, but it’s also twisted with confusion. He’s staring at you with brows drawn together as though you’re a puzzle to figure out, but clings to you like you’re all that keeps him from the abyss he’s trapped in.
Feeling nothing is better than feeling everything at once. The intensity of his own emotions drove him to order Everclear in the first place as he struggled to keep up the mask of being okay. While he’ll take the haze it offers over the tumultuous water he’s been treading all week without help, you offer an escape from both.
It’s subconscious, the way he leans in closer, the way his eyes flicker to your lips as his body tells him what he wants so badly, but hasn’t had the guts to do.
And how can you not pick up on the signs? His lips part, his fingers curling into the plush of your skin as he yearns for nothing more than to let his eyes flutter shut and capture your lips with his own.
All these months, and your taste never left his tongue. He always pushed the thought away, figuring it was a figment of his imagination, but his yearning is real. Painfully so.
What is it that they say about these sorts of emotions? Drunken words are sober thoughts? Does it apply to actions, too?
But even at the brink of being blackout drunk, he can't.
Why is it that he's frozen, inches away from what he wants so badly?
Your eyes widen slightly at the close proximity, instinctively taking a step back when you feel the warmth of his chest against your own.
He’s just drunk, he’s just drunk, he’s just drunk-
The thought repeats itself in your mind like clockwork and you hesitantly place your hands on his chest, using enough pressure against the muscles to keep some breathing room between you.
His lips twitch downwards slightly at the pressure, trying to figure you out.
One moment he swears you’re in love with him still, and the next, he’s wondering if he’s read every sign wrong and Uraume led him astray. Maybe this isn’t what you want at all, and he can’t bear to step into another mistake he can’t come back from.
Fuck, he’s too drunk for this. So, he lets you press against his chest and put space between the both of you before anything can happen.
“Sukuna?” You barely whisper his name, a slight tremor to your hands against his broad chest.
His adam’s apple bobs, his tongue swiping across his lower lip as his mind races to catch up to his flurry of thoughts, but before he has a chance to reply, the door to your side swings open to reveal Uraume.
Their lips form an ‘O’ as they pause at the door, which swings shut behind them. Their gaze sweeps the position they’ve found you both in, before taking in Sukuna’s confused and hazy-eyed scowl and your shocked and confused blinking.
“Am I interrupting?”
“No, you’re good!” You squeak, stepping out of Sukuna’s grasp with little resistance. You exchange a glance with him, but can’t deduce much from his expression under the influence of entirely too much liquor.
They nod slowly, taking a step out towards the both of you.
“What happened back there, Sukuna?”
Frustrated as the same question is thrown at him again, he drags his hands down his face. His answer is largely the same to them as it was to you. “He pissed me off.”
“I gathered that,” Uraume replies sarcastically at his half-assed response, taking a step forward to stand at your side. “Are you alright?” They address you.
You nod, shooting them a smile.
Their attention returns to Sukuna again. “I know you’re upset with the loss of your brothers, but you mentioned a meeting with your lawyer. Things should be alright, no?”
Sukuna huffs dramatically, shaking his head before throwing his arms uselessly through the air. “‘T doesn’ fuckin’ matter anymore,” he mutters, instinctively reaching for another cigarette. Your skin itches to stop him, but you fear it’ll only make things worse if you do.
The chemicals pounding through his bloodstream keep him comfortably numb in the cool night air. The temperature is nearly freezing, preparing to leave behind a layer of early spring frost on the grass overnight, but none of you notice thanks to the blanket of warmth the shots you’ve all downed provides.
“Got no cash left,” he shrugs with one shoulder. “Doesn’ matter anyway. Lawyer thinks ‘s useless,” he tacks on with a puff of smoke.
Thinking back to his office on Tuesday morning, you think a part of you already knew he was broke. You’d seen the signs, but you’re sure the money can be scrounged up somehow. You’re more worried about the latter half of his statement as you finally get some answers out of him.
“What? What did she say?” You push, your own anxiety clawing at your chest as your breathing wavers.
Flicking ash to the ground, Sukuna exhales loudly, wracking his clouded mind for some semblance of the legal explanation she gave. “Courts c’n deny appeals, so she-” he pauses, narrowing his eyes as he recalls the conversation, “- she’s worried wi’out new evidence ‘r proof of some sort o’ bullshit in the trial, they might toss th’ case.” He takes a long drag of his cigarette, staring out at the parking lot blankly. The way he’s emotionlessly rattling off words makes you think that he might just be reciting what he heard in his own words, barely considering how either of you might react.
Your blood runs cold at the thought of the boys being alone with a mother they don’t know, without their anchor. The same goes for Sukuna, clearly adrift at sea without his own anchors as he slides headfirst into poor coping mechanisms.
“You need to fight, Sukuna,” you push, frantically glancing between him and Uraume. They may both remain calm, but you see through their silence. Sukuna is at wit’s end and Uraume simply knows how to keep a straight face.
Sukuna puffs smoke above him, languidly watching it swirl above him.
Your throat tightens as tears gather at your lash line. You attempt to blink them away, wrapping your arms around yourself at Sukuna’s signs of defeat. Your voice breaks when you push again. “You can’t give up, Kuna. They need you.”
“What d’ya want fr’m me?” He growls, exasperated as he turns to face you. “I tried!” He insists, throwing his hand through the air as smoke spirals around him with the action.
You chew on your lip, a warm tear spilling down your cheek as you stare at your feet. Sukuna backs down, turning towards the parking lot again as he takes another desperate drag of nicotine.
He just wants to forget. Forget about everything. The trial, his brothers, this moment. He wants it all gone. It’s easier.
Just once, he wants to take the easy way out.
“Have you looked through your files again for more evidence?” Uraume presses, remaining a beacon of calm as they set a hand on your trembling shoulder in reassurance.
“No point,” he huffs.
“Why not?”
Sukuna bristles, the constant questions getting under his skin. Is it too much to ask for a single day where he can let himself forget the bullshit? “‘Cause I did!” He barks, finally turning to face the both of you. “I fuckin’ did ‘lready!” He lets out a dry laugh. “I can’t- not again.” He grows quiet, jaw clenching as anguish seeps through his impassivity. “‘M tired,” he admits, barely audible over muffled laughter from within the bar.
You ache to reach out to him, but Uraume knows you both better than you seem to know yourselves.
“You don’t need to go through the documents alone.”
Sukuna’s empty gaze meets Uraume’s, before his eyes slide back to the parking lot.
“Go inside,” they urge you quietly, squeezing your shoulder. “We’ll be in soon.” You open your mouth to protest, but they cut you off. “Please. I’d like a moment.”
Solemnly, you finally find it in yourself to nod, wiping your tears as you turn towards the door with an uncertain glance at Sukuna. As the door shuts behind you, Uraume takes a moment to take in just how far gone any semblance of the Sukuna they know is.
“Why didn’t you say anything after your meeting?”
He grits his teeth, his grip on the cigarette between his fingers tightening. Three shots of Everclear had him thinking he’d escaped this strangled nightmare, yet here he still is, still floating adrift at sea.
When his head simply hangs as he remains silent, Uraume continues pushing. “Why wouldn’t you ask for help?”
“B’cause ‘m done!” He barks, whipping around to face them with only half as much fury as he musters on a bad day. He shrugs dramatically, his arms making a plop! sound as the leather of his sleeves makes contact with the sides of the jacket. “Jus’ leave me-” he swallows suddenly, forcing the lump in his throat down as nausea rocks him a step forward. “Christ,” he moans as the urge to vomit comes over him.
He can’t pinpoint the cause in this state, but he doesn’t want to feel the Everclear coming back up.
He can keep a straight face as it burns his throat on the way down, but he doesn’t want to think about that taste coming back up.
“What happened to the man that wouldn’t give up for his brothers?” Uraume pushes.
Holding his head, Sukuna groans again. “Dunno,” he replies simply, not taking any real time to consider their words.
Uraume frowns, crossing their arms over their chest. “I’m taking you home.”
“‘M fine, fuck off.”
Ignoring him, they turn back towards the door. “Wait here. I’ll go pay for our drinks.” The ambient laughter and clinking spills out into the open night air as Uraume holds the door for a moment, pausing before they head back inside. “By the way, figure your feelings out for her,” they jut their chin out in the direction of the table where you’re seated with your friends once again. “Don’t mess with her just because you’re drunk.”
With that, they leave Sukuna outside to mull over their words, knowing fully well nothing will sit well with him in his current state.
The table is in a general state of confusion still when Uraume reappears as Satoru attempts to make sense of what the hell he’d just unraveled. His array of questions are met with an overall frustrating silence as those who’re aware of Sukuna’s situation struggle not to give out too many details. Tough, when the cat’s now out of the bag. It doesn’t take a lot to figure out that Sukuna, to some extent, has kids.
Uraume’s reappearance brings all eyes to them.
“How is ‘e?” Toji queries.
“I’m taking him home. I don’t think he should be alone, I plan on staying the night,” they explain, digging through their wallet to pull out some cash and set it in front of you. “That should cover him and I.”
You nod, mouthing a silent ‘thank you’ as you wipe your tears. They shoot you a sympathetic smile.
Sniffling, you do what you can to ignore your own devastation. No matter how much you love his brothers like family, you don’t get to call the shots. You can’t fight for them, and you can’t force Sukuna to fight.
It doesn’t make it any easier, though.
The idea of Yuji losing the only person he knows as his guardian forms a lump in your throat that you can’t seem to push down. As silently as possible, you sharply inhale a shaky breath.
It hurts. It hurts and you’re helpless, unable to do anything but cry, which feels painfully like defeat.
Even if he gives up, you’re not ready to give up. But what are you supposed to do? You can’t pull new evidence out of thin air. You can’t find evidence of an unfair trial when Kaori made sure her arguments were airtight.
You’re lost, too. In your own way.
You take another deep breath, steadying yourself as best as you can, even as anguish pushes the knife deeper and deeper, with no plans on leaving your heart unscathed.
Sukuna’s going through more, you remind yourself. You can’t let yourself break when he clearly needs you. No matter how thin you spread yourself, you need to remain strong for him. Because no matter how lost you feel, you can only imagine he feels worse.
Maybe it’s the wrong way of looking at things, but you want to be his rock. You’ll figure out your classes, your paper, your exams. You’ll figure it all out while you’re still there for him. He needs a hand, whether he’s willing to admit it or not, and you’ll be there with your hand out when he’s ready to accept that.
Even if he isn’t ready to accept it.
So you steel yourself, unwilling to fall to your own issues. His are greater, you can’t allow yourself to crumble under less.
“Let us know when you get to his place,” Atsuya chips in, chewing on a toothpick.
Uraume nods solemnly. “Got it. I’ll text you.”
Your heart drops as they turn to walk away, concern twisting your puffy features. Shoko’s arm wraps around your shoulders as she pulls you into a side hug. “Have some drinks. Have fun. He’ll be okay. You deserve to have fun tonight.”
You want to believe her, you really do.
But you just find yourself wondering how long Sukuna can last like this, lost in a battle with his own demons.
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❦ a/n ; everyone is struggling :')
i know i say it a lot, but thank you all so much for all the support, from the bottom of my heart <33 it really does mean the world and all of your kind words constantly have me itching to keep writing.
i'm really, really looking forward to working on and sharing the next chapter too, we'll get a lot more insight into sukuna's life before reader and just how much kaori absolutely sucks (as if you all didn't already know that LOL)
anyway, thank you sm as always, ily all <33
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last night's mascara
12 Days of Christmas: Day 11, January 4th, 2025
Dreamcatcher’s Lee Gahyun x Male Reader
3.1k words
Christmas Masterlist

What a boring ass party.
It’s the thought that has been lingering inside your head for the last two hours. The decorations? Daft. The song choice? Lame. The conversations? Rote. So, there you are, one hand on your phone, the other fiddling with your fingers restlessly. Should’ve bought Balatro when it was on sale.
You scroll your Twitter feed aimlessly, pressing likes on the fan sites’ pictures of your favorite groups—fromis_9, Red Velvet, (G)I-DLE. It’s the only way to escape this party without raising much suspicion.
Well, not until Gahyun notices you standing in the corner of your eyes.
“Not enjoying it?”
You almost drop your phone on the ground, good thing you can balance it with your hands.
“Shit, y–yeah,” you reply.
Gahyun giggles softly, covering her mouth with the glass of champagne in her hand. She’s in her red and white Christmas dress, one that shows off a lot—her shoulders, her legs, her ample cleavage. Fuck, she looks so tantalizing.
“So,” she says. She’s pulling you into a conversation. Abort. Abort. Abort!
“How was your day?” she asks, “Wait, oh my god, that was a terrible question. I’m sorry if it’s too plain for you.”
It’s over for you.
“No, no, it was–great. I’m fine,” you reply. “How are you?”
Gahyun chuckles. “A bit drunk, but still standing!” she says with a bright smile, twisting her foot coyly. God, she looks gorgeous.
You only shoot a smile back at her. You don’t know what more to say. It’s difficult for you to continue the conversation like this. You can’t do this.
“Hey,” she continues. You’re finished. “I can keep you company here if you want.”
She’s kind, but you’ll have to say no. You aren’t good enough to hold her right here. You don’t have anything to talk about!
“Ah, I–I appreciate that, but I don’t think you’d enjoy my company,” you decline, taking a sip of the champagne in your hand.
She giggles, and you fall victim to your own self-deprecation once again. You just can’t stop pushing people out, can you?
Fuck.
“Don’t be so harsh on yourself, come on!” she encourages. You’re taken aback by her enthusiasm to be with you. Is she really enjoying your company? Is it a dare? Is she just toying with you for her own entertainment?
“O–Okay, Gahyun,” you stammer.
The conversation begins at the expense of your solitude. It’s seemingly unending. You’re involuntarily dragged into an exchange with the talkative Lee Gahyun. However, you’re slowly dragged into her charismatic presence. You’re somehow not stuttering anymore? Goodness gracious! She’s a good talker. She’s a good listener. She’s genuinely comforting to be around.
“So–speaking of music, have you been listening to anyone recently? Well, outside of k-pop, it’ll be too boring,” Gahyun asks.
You contemplate a bit before you answer, “Well, I’ve been listening to Gracie Abrams a lot lately. Do you know her?”
“Gracie Abrams–hmm–is she the one who opened for Taylor Swift?”
“Yeah!” you happily answer. She’s really full of knowledge. “I started listening to her a few years ago. Quality can be choppy sometimes, but I still like her a lot.”
“I’m sure she’s great,” she says with a giggle. “That’s why you’re drawn to her.”
You can only chuckle at her warm words. God, she really knows how to reel you in.
“What about you? Who have you been listening to?” you ask her the same question back. Normally, you’d be beating yourself up for not changing the question, but with Gahyun, it feels like you don’t have to worry about anything.
Gahyun laughs, cutely covering her mouth while doing so. “Well, mostly Billie Eilish, her new album. Have you heard it yet?”
“Oh, yeah! I love Birds of a Feather a lot. Wait, let me guess yours–uh–” you pause, trying to guess her favorite from the album.
Gahyun adoringly smiles, waiting for your guess. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s the light, but, fuck, are you having a crush on her?
“Chihiro?”
“Aww~ that’s close! It’s actually my second favorite,” Gahyun says, pouting cutely. You can only awkwardly giggle along to cover the embarrassment from the mistake.
“I actually love Lunch the most, to be honest,” she says. “Makes me click my heels, you know?”
“Oh, yeah. I mean–I also like Lunch, but–uh–it’s just not as sad as Birds of a Feather.”
“Oh. Oh! Well, that’s definitely interesting!” Gahyun says. “So, you like sad songs? Do you like–uh–have any to recommend to me?”
You give her a few songs. She nods in acknowledgement. The exchange continues into the night. It flows so lively that you get lost in her charm, over and over again. You find out about her dog at home—Bae. You find out that she loves pineapples on pizzas. You find out that her favorite TV show is Goblin (yes, that Goblin).
As it goes on, you can’t help but steal glances at her body, even if you know how inappropriate that is. You’ll use the opportunity when she looks away to take in the view of her ample cleavage or her meaty thighs. She looks so good, so deli–
“Hey,” she derails your train of thoughts. “Did you just–stare at my tits?”
Your eyes widen in shock. You didn’t realize that you’ve been looking at her for a little too long. Your hands tremble in fear of getting called out. You should say sorry, now!
“F–Fuck, I–I’m so s–sorry, Gah–”
“Zip it,” she cuts you off, putting her index finger on your lips. “I don’t want excuses.”
Tears start to form in your eyes. You’re being mentally cornered by Lee Gahyun, the company darling. God, you’re beyond fucked. Your whole life is being undone because of a slip. Fuck.
Then, she whispers into your ear.
“Meet me at the women’s bathroom in five minutes.”
You nod with your eyes closed slowly, before she departs from you, giving you the view of her hips swaying before disappearing into the crowd.
—
The women’s bathroom smells of air purifier, it’s taken care of well. It’s brightly lit. You find Gahyun standing in the middle of the room—arms crossed, tapping her foot. She’s waiting for you.
“Come here, lock the door,” she orders, gesturing you to her. Her voice is much, much more stern than in the ballroom, but there’s also–something else. Is she mad at you, or is it something else?
The door clicks shut, leaving the bathroom only for you two. You slowly walk towards Gahyun, who’s looking at you expectantly.
The air thickens with anticipation. The silence is heavy. You’re stuck in the bathroom with Lee Gahyun. She doesn’t seem too pleased with your presence here, but why would she be calling you here, then?
“So,” she starts. You close your eyes shut in fear. “Anything to say before we start?”
You shake your head vigorously, hoping that the admission would lessen the punishment directed at you.
You hear a wicked laugh, as she starts to circle around you. Your body trembles in fear. Fuck, what is she going to do with you. Is she going to beat you up? Is she going to berate you?
“Are you sure that you’ve locked the door?” she asks from behind you. You can feel her breath on your neck. It’s terrifying.
“Y–Yes, Gahyun,” you stammer out.
“Good. Now, take off your pants,” she orders sternly. Wait, this isn’t going where you’ve expected.
“Wait, do you want me to–”
“Take off your pants, yes,” she finishes your sentence without any hesitation. Determination shines in her eyes.
“O–Okay?” you utter, before reluctantly unbuckling your belt. It’s so hard to come off when your hands are literally shaking like this. Your breathing becomes erratic with each second that passes by.
“Faster,” she sternly commands into your ear. Her warm breath touches your skin, eliciting goosebumps everywhere. Your hands quickly take off your trousers as she orders, leaving your lower body in your boxers. The outline of your erection becomes visible under them.
“Good,” she says, the warmth of your hand emanating into your firm ass. “Now, if you’d show me what you’ve been hiding under this–garment.
You immediately comply with her order, sliding down your tight boxers in a hasty motion. Your hard cock springs free from its confinement. It twitches in the anticipation of what’s to come. Gahyun presses into your body from the back, making your ass touch her warm crotch. Her perfume pervades your nostrils, making your legs wobble like jelly.
“Hmm, excited, aren’t we?” she coos. Her right hand reaches from the back to tease you. She leaves just a little space between her hand and your cock. You wish you could just grab her hand and make her touch your hardness right now, but that’s not how you play this game. You can only wonder how Gahyun can hide this side for so long—the side that dominates the shit out of you.
“Do you want me to touch it? Say it.” Her hot breath brushes against your ear, teasing you, pushing you towards the limit.
“Y–Yes, I want you to touch it, Gahyun,” you utter, mind going all haywire from the sheer intensity of her body warmth against your back.
You hear Gahyun giggle mischievously from the back, before her hand latches onto your cock firmly, making you groan in sheer ecstasy.
Slowly, she begins her dirty display on your cock. She lazily drags her hand up along your length, eliciting a shudder from you. When she’s at the top, she makes sure to take a swipe on the tip to make you moan. Your brain is now filled with nothing but her otherworldly handjob she’s giving. She feels so good.
You moan and whimper in her tight restraint, naked from below the waist. Her hands are slowly jerking you off with an unmatched mastery. Her smell is intense—her perfume, and something that’s explicitly her.
She slowly finds her rhythm, knowing when to pump, knowing when to swipe. She goes faster, eliciting guttural groans and whimpers out of you.
Your cock is being fondled by the company darling, and that thought alone sends you into rapture. She’s the same woman you see every day. She’s the same woman you’ve talked to. She’s the same woman who everyone loves. Now, she’s jerking you off in the women’s bathroom, making you moan and whimper.
Maybe it’s the sheer intensity of the situation, you can feel your loins tightening. Your body becomes rigid. Your breathing becomes erratic. You’re going to cum in Lee Gahyun’s hand!
“You know, I’ve been told a lot that I have nice lips,” she says. Her hands remain a little too eager to finish you off. It’s becoming too irresistible to cum right now. You can feel the tension rising within your loins. You do want more than her hand, indeed. That pair of lips are a little too tantalizing for you to not be on your cock—so plump, so pouty.
“F–Fuck, Gahyun, I–I’m gonna cum,” you utter. Time is running low, and you have to make her stop before you blow a load all over the bathroom floor and get short-circuited for the rest of the night.
Gahyun lets out another wicked giggle. “Say please, then.” She’s not going to stop so easily, not before you profusely beg her to.
“Nghhn~ p–please, Gahyun,” you plead, voice already shaking in the intense sensation.
“Again, and I’ll lift my hand off,” she teases, jerking you off even faster. Your mind is all hazy from the sheer pleasure you’re getting from her hand. Your blinking becomes rapid. Your vision becomes blurry.
“Nghh~ please, G–Gahyun.”
Gahyun suddenly removes her hand from your cock, leaving it twitching in the air. You sigh, as the tension slowly drops back to normal. You’re happy not to cum before you get to take on her mouth.
“Close one,” she says, letting go of you from her warm embrace. You feel like you can fully breathe for the first time in years. She was suffocating, but you won’t deny the pleasure she gave you, of course.
Gahyun slowly walks back to your front, putting the highlight of her next act for you to see—her lips, those dick-sucking lips. You and the guys have talked about this behind her back (well, behind everyone’s back) about how good her lips would feel on your cocks, head bobbing up and down in a hypnotic motion, bringing intense pleasure to whoever gets their dick sucked.
Now, it’s your turn.
Gahyun kneels, not without seductively swaying her wide hips as she goes down. Your cock twitches at the sight violently, so ready to be taken into her mouth.
“Say please, just like when I jerked you off,” she commands. She seems to know when to raise her voice and when to not.
“Please, Gahyun,” you utter, your voice all dry from the moaning and the internally burning desire.
The first contact is nothing short of divine. Gahyun starts slow. She starts by taking in just the mushroom tip into her mouth. She feels so warm, so tight, so right. Gahyun gives the underside of your cock a playful lick, making your body jolt in response.
She then begins her show, pushing herself further on your cock. It’s a lewd sight, really—the direct eye contact, the sound she’s making (it’s kind of a low, satisfied hum), the way she fondles your balls with her fingers. Pleasure just shoots through your body like a bullet. Without any restraints, you could just cum into her mouth right here and now. She pushes further and further, making you groan in pure bliss, until she starts to gag.
“Y–You don’t have to take it all, G–Gahyun.”
She says nothing, instead diving deeper onto your cock, all while using her tongue to play with the underside of your length. No woman has ever given you a blowjob as good as this—the deliberate movement, the will to gag, the pouty lips. Gahyun really has it all.
She keeps the eye contact intact, a reminder of her control. The gagging sounds she’s making don’t hinder her dominance by a little bit. She lets you know who’s in control here. It’s her and only her.
She finally pushes herself up to the hilt of your cock. She gags. She chokes. She sputters. Globs of spit leaks out of her mouth. Your head falls backwards from the pleasure. Her eyes are barely opening from the sheer size of your cock. You love this. You love the sounds she’s making. You love how she dominates the shit out of you. You love that she’s willing to suck you off like this (even if she’s the one in full control).
She stays there, gagging, choking, sputtering on your cock. She’s taking in the pungent scent of you, judging by the way she takes a deep breath through her nose. Her lips look so good on your cock like this. The base of your length becomes saturated by her red lipstick and spit. Streaks of black mascara run down her cheeks. You’re revelling in it. You’re revelling in the sight.
“G–God, G–Gahyun,” you utter.
With that, she slowly pulls back from your cock, leaving a trail of her rosy lipstick on it. Her eyes are fluttering violently with the thickness and length of you. She can barely breathe, and you’re loving it.
Instinctively, your right hand goes to the back of her head, tugging her hair to pull her out of the predicament called your cock. She gets to breathe again, and she quickly dislodges herself off you.
“Ah, y–you taste good,” she says, still trying to catch her breath. The marks from the earlier act are evident.
You say nothing, letting Gahyun catch her breath again, waiting for the time she can take in your cock once more. She breathes in, she breathes out, and finally, she’s ready again.
“I’m not holding back this time, alright?” she says, determination sparks inside her eyes.
“S–Sure.”
She grabs onto your cock with her right hand, pulling you close, before she takes your cock into her mouth. This time, it’s more violent, more fervent. She catches her rhythm and doesn’t look back. She starts to bob her head back and forth on your cock, and doesn’t that make you whimper like a bitch?
“Nghhh~ s–so good,” you mewl.
Gahyun only replies with a giggle on your cock. Her grip is still firm. Her free hand fondles your balls gently, trying to coax cum out of you.
She catches her rhythm, moving her head in a hypnotic motion. She really wants you to cum under her influence like this. You hear her gag. You hear her choke. You hear her sputter.
The tension in your loins starts to rise again. You’re on the verge of cumming with the help of the earlier handjob, and she doesn’t seem to stop at all. That’s it. You’re unloading your cum inside of Lee Gahyun’s mouth, making her taste your white essence.
“G–Gonna cum,” you utter.
Gahyun responds by going as rapidly as she can on your throbbing cock. The sensation is electric. It shoots through you like a bullet. The knot tightens, and you can do nothing to stop it.
With the final stroke, you unload your pent-up lust into Lee Gahyun’s throat, making her taste your essence. Your body jerks forward in pure pleasure. You let out a low, guttural groan at your precipice, unable to make sense of the situation. She lets out a satisfied hum as she feels your white, hot cum hit the back of her throat. You’re probably salty, like the other women have said.
You slowly come down from your peak, finally catching your rhythm again. Your cock’s spurts turn into soft drizzles off the slit. Gahyun pulls off of your cock with a loud pop. What an obscene sight. Her face is a fucking mess—mascara, lipstick, it’s all wrong. You’re still too dazed to say a thing, though.
“You taste good,” she says, opening her mouth, sticking her tongue out lewdly to show the emptiness of her wet cavern. She drank it all.
“I–I wanna do this again,” you involuntarily utter from the depths of your heart. “I want you to suck my cock again.”
Maybe it’s the sheer absurdity of your words. Maybe it’s the wake of your climax. She bursts out a laugh, a genuine one. You watch her laugh awkwardly.
“Ask me–ha–properly,” she says. “Will you, Lee Gahyun–”
“Will you, Lee Gahyun–”
“Suck–”
“Suck my cock again?”
She lets out a chuckle, before answering, “Definitely, maybe.”
—
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You Call It Madness But I Call It Love
Pairing: Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV
Tropes: Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn
Song Inspiration For The Series: You Call It Madness But I Call It Love By Russ Columbo
Series Playlist (Spotify)🥀
Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy. This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters fluctuate between past and present, beginning in 1934. SPOILERS FOR THE BOYS S3
Chapter 1: You Shouldn't Have Answered the Door
Chapter 2: Late Night Visitor
Chapter 3: Summer Has to End Someday
Chapter 4: It's My Party and I'll Eat Cake If I Want To
Chapter 5: The Man, The Myth, The Legend
Chapter 6: Batter Up
Chapter 7: Are We Old Friends Or Old Enemies?
Chapter 8: Jealousy Doesn't Look Good On Anybody Except...
Chapter 9: Wedding Bells or Gong of Destruction?
Chapter 10: How Did It End Up Like This?
Chapter 11: I Can't Think With You Yelling At Me!
Chapter 12: My Heart Is Beating For You Constantly
Chapter 13: You Made A Plaything Out of Romance
Chapter 14: You're All I'm Dreaming Of
Chapter 15: What Do You Know About Love?
Chapter 16: Please Come Back To Me
Chapter 17: How Could I Ever Forget?
Chapter 18: First Impressions Are Often Correct
Chapter 19: I Know Who You Are
Chapter 20: You Were There
Chapter 21: Try To Understand
Chapter 22: I May Be Right Or I May Be Crazy
Chapter 23: Extreme Makeover Backyard Edition
Chapter 24: What The Past Held
Chapter 25: Are Family Reunions Always This Awkward?
Chapter 26: I Hate You, I Love You
Chapter 27: Take Me Back To The Beginning
Epilogue: True Love Is Hard To Find
Last Updated: 10/08/2024 (Series Complete)

One Shots:
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?: All you wanted was for Ben to have a nice Thanksgiving, but when your daughter brings her new boyfriend over, all hell brakes loose!

[Extras]
Chapter 7.5: The Only Escape (Unused)
Happy Halloween! (Takes Place After Main Series)

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What We Want - Chpt. 5 - Meet The Adams Family
In Which A Romantic Breaks The Universe
(Yandere!batboys x f!reader) 18+ MDNI!
SUMMARY
Another lonely birthday, another empty year. You miss your family. You're late for your bills and rent, and even then, you got robbed last Tuesday.
Still, you buy yourself a cupcake, because you need it. I mean, hey. What's dessert for if not to get over cheating boyfriends and dead relatives?
As you blow out the candle, watching the clock switch from 11:59 pm to midnight of the next day, you make a wish.
And because the world doesn't like to make much sense, it comes true. Your life is suddenly flipped on a dime, and you're stuck trying to catch up with it. Fantasy becomes reality. You're a Wayne now, apparently. Or you used to be. You're loved, you're rich, you're talented and powerful.
Well, sort of. Careful what you wish for, right?
(TRIGGER WARNINGS AND MASTERLIST HERE)
PREV - NEXT
The first thing you’d done when you woke up, still somehow in the Wayne manor, was pull out not-your phone and check the date. When it tells you that you are not, in fact, in some weird version of a time loop, you feel some measure of relief. The second thing you do is look your own damn name up on Google. There were over 3 million results. You have a Wikipedia page. If that hadn’t made you want to gag, the press from last night had you bumbling your way into the ensuite bathroom and puking into the toilet.
It’s still sitting on the bathroom floor, nauseous and achy and sweaty, your mouth washed out but still tasting foul, that you continue your research.
It’s just as you had suspected, your family was dead. Still dead. Well, shit. In the light of day, you supposed that made more sense. That there was no real reason to assume otherwise. You hadn’t for most of yesterday, but as soon as you’d thought that maybe there was a chance, your hopes had been dashed. Which was good, rip the bandaid off and all.
It was good. Things were good. They were fine, you were fine. You really wish you were a better liar.
Again you wash your mouth out. Root around the cabinets for some medical-grade mouthwash, do it again, and then you throw yourself into the shower. Again. You notice the soap smells like whoever’s clothes you stole. Refreshing and awakening, that mint and earth again. You think you can detect something floral in it too. It’s still masculine, but…
Wow, you are such a freak! You put down the fucking soap and manage to resist the urge to slam your head into the tiles. Your headache was bad enough already.
When you leave the bathroom, you glance at the door, and then down at your towel. Guess you’re stealing some more apparel. You find a Superman shirt, give it a judging glance, and then pick out a black T-shirt with ‘The Beatles’ across the front, and some sweatpants. You have to roll up the pant legs so you don’t trip and fall flat on your face.
One hand scrolling through Twitter and TikTok and Reddit and every single piece of social media you could find, getting the people’s source of news and you get the high overlords’ one when you turn on the huge TV attached to the wall. The remote kind of confuses you at first, but you manage to find the good ol’ Gotham news channel.
Immediately, you’re greeted by your miserable mascara-streaked face. You turn the TV off. You take a deep breath. Turn it back on. Luckily it’s not just you getting your private moment of trauma blasted open in the media. Your party had been filled with Gotham’s elite, after all. You weren’t the only rich idiot left crying by the side of the road.
You weren’t the only one who had to suffer. There had been twenty-eight casualties, in total. A small amount, considering the man behind the deaths. The Joker wasn’t known for his cleanliness. You tell yourself that, and yet still, you can’t make them just numbers. They’d been standing right next to you, after all. All in the same boat, all waiting for the axe to swing, secretly hoping you’re the one who lives to the next day. Only one of the party guests had been shot, and that’s because you think they’d personally pissed off the Joker. That’s what Twitter says, anyway. There were multiple video recordings of the altercation, and it didn’t look like he’d been the smartest banana in the bunch. The TV is a lot sweeter on the dead soul.
You feel sorry for all the dead. You still don’t think this rich heir should be the face you see, though. When you check his name, you find several forgotten assault cases. Assault, rape, just like that disappearing bastard had tried to do to you. That female janitor you’d seen shot had done more for this city than that guy ever had.
Did her family know? Did she have a family? Someone to mourn her? You’d never thought about that before. How many people out there wouldn’t have anyone to even remember them?
It’s none of your business, in the end.
After a whiles more research, you switch the TV off and tuck your cracked phone into the sweatpants. You know where your mother’s grave is, on the west side of the estate. Wikipedia knew all, which was now kind of creepy to you as it knew all about you as well. Really, you couldn’t believe it. Your mother, buried with the Waynes? You’d always thought she should find someone new, someone who’d appreciate her, unlike your father who had dipped as soon as Sam was born.
You couldn’t even remember the guy. Still, you remembered that he’d smelled bad and made your Mum do everything, and was just generally all around the worst choice for a husband.
But, Jesus Christ, Bruce Wayne? Absolute insanity. You had no idea how the two of them would’ve even met. Let alone fall in love and get married. Your mother was one of the loveliest women on earth but… they had absolutely nothing in common, other than having troublesome kids. And you hadn’t seen her getting lovey-dovey with the other PTA mums.
You walk out of the room you’ve borrowed and into the hallway. In the light of day, the Wayne manor is much less creepy, and you can find it in yourself to appreciate the antique space. Warm sunlight falls over dark oak furniture, illuminating your bare feet as you walk along the Persian rug. Your fingers trail along all the tiny little decorations, some annoying part of you demanding you leave traces of yourself behind. Your fingerprints dirty an old clock, a golden candelabra, a lamp and a tiny spinning globe.
You might’ve gotten lost in a place this huge if you couldn’t hear people’s voices floating down the halls. They were too far away for you to be able to tell what they were saying, but you could still hear them. They’re to the west, so you’re definitely going to have to go past them.
You follow the voices and eventually come to a stop in a hallway. You can smell food. Good, real food. The type that makes your instant-ramen-powered body salivate. The people are in the kitchen, right around the corner. You duck your head and quickly sneak past the mostly closed doorway. On the other side, you pause, your curious self unable to leave just yet.
“She needs help,” Bruce says, and you mentally curse. Balls. You didn’t want to hear this. You guess this was instant karma for snooping. Maybe they weren’t talking about you?
Why did that sound very unlikely…
“She went through a lot last night,” he continues, which, well, yes, you did go through a lot, “And he said that she saw a woman get shot right in front of her. It makes sense if she doesn’t want to talk yet.”
He? Who’s he? Who ratted you out? Wait, dumb question, the four other witnesses who saw the janitor get shot. You were still pretty sure the Waynes weren’t supposed to know that, but everybody knew those GCPD pigs were always just a dollar away from whatever you wanted them to do. It’s not surprising that the Waynes know details only the police should know at the moment.
…It is a bit disappointing, though. You chose to have hope in them, that they’d gotten that information legally. Your fatal obsession with the Waynes wasn’t going to disappear after one miserable party. You wished it would.
“She was acting strange before that,” Timothy Jackson Drake’s smooth voice drifts from the kitchen. You were still a little starry-eyed over him, which was… bad, you think. It’d definitely make whatever relationship the two of you had been forced into a whole lot more difficult. It did not need to be any more difficult.
“Are you accusing her of something?” Bruce Thomas Wayne’s voice is gravelly in comparison, angry, maybe. Also, ‘accusing’? What could he even be accusing you of? It was pretty obvious you weren’t capable of anything nefarious, you were far too stupid for that. You were a plastic bag drifting along the Gotham river, barely able to affect which direction you flowed in.
“God no. And I definitely wouldn’t do it with her listening, that’d be rude.”
Your breath hitches, and you push off from the wall. Busted, damn. Your face feels unbelievably hot. As you leave, you can hear Mr Wayne scolding his adopted son. You walk until you can’t hear their voices anymore, and then a little further, finding an exit door.
You stumble out onto a stone staircase, probably a servants’ one in the olden days. You move down it, hand gripping the railing. You’re barely conscious of where you’re going. There’s a path that leads away from the stone manor and further into the estate, and you follow it. When you spot a small gated area, with stone obelisks and angel statues, you veer off the path and onto the grass.
Hissing out a breath, it’s only now you realise you went outside without any shoes on. Your toes curl in the cold, wet grass. It’s a miserable feeling, and you want to walk right back inside. And then you think about the awkward conversation waiting for you, take a breath and keep going. The gates swing open easily under your hand, the golden embossed ‘W’ glinting in the light.
A guardian angel stands before you. Its stone face is disapproving, glaring down at you from above. ‘Interloper,’ it calls you, but you move past it without pausing. It’s pretty obvious which graves are the new ones and which are the old ones. They’re all clean and well-kept, but the ones to the left have dates going back hundreds of years, and the ones to the right only decades. Your eyes follow the rows of graves. Thomas Wayne, Martha Wayne…
Your breath whistles out of you, nearly muffled by the grey morning wind.
And your mother. She has a different last name, now another Wayne. Your siblings don’t, which makes sense. You’re surprised to find many of your extended family also in this graveyard. Your grandmother. Your uncle and aunt. A few of your cousins.
It’s cold this morning, and you’re out here with only a thin T-shirt on. Shivering, you rub your palms against your bare arms. It doesn’t do much. Still, you don’t want to go inside yet. Instead, you crouch in front of Sam’s grave, eyes reading the tiny epitaph. It’s not the one you wrote.
‘Beloved Son and Brother.’
Simple, clean-cut, formal… unfamiliar, you suppose. Yours had been much more flowery, ‘All the colour in the world is gone without you’. It was a bit silly, but you’d never said you were a poet. You’d just known you’d wanted something that represented them, if poorly.
Sam was a beloved son and brother. But that wasn’t who he chose to be. He liked colours. He’d change his favourite every other day, so he liked everything rainbow. It made it easier to choose which one he’d like next, he said. You were always buying him more and more coloured pencils because he’d wear them all down to the tips, he dyed the cat a bright red headache, much to your mother’s horror, and considered it his personal job to make every single birthday, christmas, and easter card. He’d paint on the walls in washable markers, and you’d often been the one to volunteer to help him get it all down. In school, he always had the best art project out of the entire class, even if you were slightly biased.
He was a colourful kid. He wasn’t… a plain grey tombstone. Nothing to help remember him, because you were always losing more and more of their precious memories.
The others had similarly impersonal graves. Just what they were, not who. Mother, sister. Nothing that spoke of how they’d lived their lives, what the world had lost when they’d died. It was… you didn’t think it was right. It was a disaster, really. Even when you’d had to rely on the Wanye Foundation donations, you’d managed a better resting place than this.
You suppose you’d never gotten them into the Wayne family’s personal graveyard, though. That was a bit of an upgrade, you guess.
“You need to come back inside. You’re worrying my father.”
“Jesus Christ!” you shriek, leaping backward. Your foot catches on one of the cobblestones, and you end up tipping back farther than you mean to, your ass bruising against the ground. You bump another gravestone, and there’s a horrible moment where it gives a little and you think it’s going to knock over.
It doesn’t. A shining miracle on your day.
From your slightly wet seat on the ground, you look up, finding one such Damian Al Ghul-Wayne. His towering height is the first thing you notice, second his stunning emerald green eyes. Both were incredibly shocking in their own ways, but his height really was almost dizzying. Perfect brown skin and a stylish 'long on the top, short on the sides’ black haircut, paired with the sort of face some European model might have, all come together to make sure you feel as pathetic as possible. His posh-looking outfit doesn’t help.
Neither does the fact he just watches you. He doesn’t even pretend to bend over to help you up. Which you’re sort of grateful for, honestly. It’d just make you more embarrassed. You didn’t know if you could hold the hand of your celebrity crush and… well, be normal. Pretend to be normal. You weren’t doing a very good job of it anyway.
You have to wonder, which was the worst introduction? The drunk, the bloody, or the one where you fell on your ass? God, you really are screwing this all the way up. You wonder how you’re inevitably going to make it even worse. There’s a part of you that desperately doesn’t want to meet any of the other Waynes, even as another part of you is screaming that it needs to.
If they knew they had a fangirl in their graveyard, you’re sure they’d kick you out. That was why you were lying about everything, not because you had intimacy issues.
Stop thinking, you idiot! You’re only making things more difficult for yourself with all your worrying and fretting. And maybe you should get off the ground, you looked stupid. You push to your feet, wiping your dirtied hands on the sweats.
He still doesn’t say anything when you stand, still just staring at you. His open staring is far too intimidating, so you scrounge for something to say.
“Your father? You- Is he alright?” you stammer over your words, giving Damian Wayne an awkward smile. He doesn’t return it, instead canting his head towards one of the windows.
You look toward where Damian Wayne gestured to, find nothing but an empty window frame, and then back to the ridiculously tall man. You swear, the guy had grown like a bean pole. He had to be something ridiculous, like 6’5, or maybe more. You were fairly certain you’d been taller than him at twelve, or thirteen, whenever it was he was first introduced to the world as Damian Wayne. Now, now… not so much.
“There’s nobody in there?” you ask, like you’re questioning your sanity. You are.
“My father’s shy,” He says, coolly shrugging one shoulder.
What. Bruce Wayne? Shy? Was he joking or something?
Damian Wayne stares down at you with narrowed green eyes, and dark brows in a harsh frown. His arms are crossed over his rich kid sweater, shiny black shoes tapping against the cobbles. That’s not the face of someone who makes jokes, you think.
You swallow, mind whirring as you try desperately to fix this conversation, “Right. Okay. I’ll… I’ll come back inside, then. Sorry for bothering you guys.”
He keeps staring at you. He doesn’t seem bothered.
“Sorry for bothering him?” you correct.
Damian gives one slow, cat-like blink of his eyes, and then turns with a tsk and walks away. It takes you a moment to realise you’re meant to follow him. It takes you even longer to actually catch up with him because he’s so fucking tall.
On TV he didn’t look this tall. You feel kind of betrayed, which is weird.
As you’re walking along, getting closer back to the manor, a stick or something pokes you in the foot. You curse, grabbing your foot. Thankfully you don’t start bleeding or something. You’d already be tracking dirt all over the inside of the impeccable space, you didn’t want to bring blood in as well. It takes a moment for you to realise the sound of Damian’s footsteps crunching in the grass has stopped, and you glance up.
He’s staring right at you again. He looks even less impressed with you, raising an eyebrow and mouth ticking downward. You put your foot down and tuck your hands behind your back in a very obvious anxious display.
“You went outside not wearing any shoes?” Damian Wayne asks, incredulous.
“I was… yeah, I forgot to,” you say, shrugging your shoulders. Not your best moment, but you weren’t really having any of those today. Or yesterday. Or the day before. Maybe you should stop thinking about that, actually.
“That’s disgusting,” The young Wayne sneers, and then turns and gives you his shoulder.
You think your heart maybe cracks a little. Well, they do say to never meet your idols. Maybe whoever wrote that quote had you in mind specifically, because now you were in… this situation. Ex-step-sister. If that was a thing. Your Wikipedia page said that you said that a lot, very insistent that you had absolutely nothing to do with the Waynes.
…It didn’t really look like you had nothing to do with the Waynes, from an outsider's perspective. Which obviously didn’t make any sense, since you were… you. You were not an outsider, not anymore.
This was too complicated. You needed a coffee. With like, so much sugar it’ll make you bounce from the walls.
Damian strides up the side entrance’s staircase and through the door, leaving it open for you to follow through. You hesitate at the doorway, looking over your shoulder to the graveyard. The statue calls you names in the distance, and although you feel like a stranger who doesn’t belong here, you manage to step back into the house.
You force yourself to walk through the hallway and into the kitchen, fists clenched tight at your side and your shoulders bunched up to your ears. Bruce Thomas Wayne, Timothy Jackson Drake, and the butler from earlier. Damian Al Ghul Wayne steps around the trio, picking some drink from the counter and moving to sit at the dining table at the edge of the room. There’s an open book on the table that he starts flicking through, and well, apparently that’s the end of your first conversation with the youngest Wayne.
You did… well, alright might be pushing it. You're still going to say you did alright.
Tim Drake gives you a sweet smile, catching your attention. The silky raven hair of his heart-shaped fringe falls over his beautiful, pale face, and for a moment there you totally forget that he’d called you out earlier like that. Which was just, such an odd thing to do. His hand lifts to scratch at the buzz cut under the floppy strands of hair. The movement mesmerises you. You look away from his sky blue eyes, very quickly realising they’re robbing you of the few remaining brain cells you have. And you need those, damn it. Especially because you’d already made the decision to hide from all your problems like a baby. Negative, negative…
“How’re you doing today?” Tim asks you, giving you a friendly greeting. It’s a welcome olive branch.
“I’m good,” you lie like you breathe, eyes glancing around the space. Bruce Wayne has his phone out and a mug of coffee in his hands. He sips from the cup, his focus swallowed by the tiny screen. You glance back over to Damian Wayne. Huh, it really does run in the family.
Your neck prickles, and you glance back at Tim again. You get a brief vision of his tired, unsmiling expression, and then it’s back to the angelic and gentle smile. You smile back at him, a wretched, awful twisting of the lips that you hope doesn’t look like a grimace.
Tim’s smile turns into a grin. It’s really too pretty and makes you shift in your seat uncomfortably. Damn it all, look away!
“Would you like some breakfast, young miss? I’m afraid we’ve run out of pancakes, but I’d be happy to make some more for you,” the butler says in an awfully familiar British accent. You think you know this person, but you can not remember from where. Shit. Your memory was bad on the best of days, much less after… after an event like last night.
Anyway, the food from earlier had been pancakes. Despite the delicious scent, you really didn’t want to make him make any more food for you. You felt like you were intruding as it was.
“Do you have any toast, or… cereal?” you suggest instead, wondering if rich people even bother with cereal. The butler chuckles, and you think, ‘Oh, yeah, probably not’.
“We have both, miss. Master Grayson has a particular fondness for cereal, in fact,” he informs you, which, oh, cool. You did in fact know that, you stalker you. You’d totally forgotten about that weird fact or the weird fact that you knew that weird fact. Dick Grayson has an Instagram where he posts reviews of different cereals, which of course you have notifications on for.
“It’s more of an obsession,” Tim says, resting his palm in his hand as he… continues to stare at you. Nobody else thinks his ogling is strange, so you try to ignore it as well. Try is the choice word.
“I like cereal too. It’s normal,” you say in defence of Dick, a natural and instinctual urge.
And apparently, the fact that you like cereal is fucking shocking, judging from the open-mouth looks the group gives you. Oh no, you’re supposed to hate him, right? You’re supposed to hate them all, actually. What had you called him on your phone? Something about being annoying and a dickhead?
Swallowing your inner scream, you move around the counter and towards the cupboards. Whatever, they’ll have to deal with this new and improved version of you, which didn’t despise everyone in the room. Along with being a terrible liar, you were also pretty bad at keeping secrets.
You don’t want to think about that, so instead you turn to Alfred.
“So,” you start, “Can I see your cereal collection?” you ask, like a totally normal person. Man, this cupboard’s looking pretty head-smashable right now.
This family has more tact than yours did, because they all manage to put their eyes back to what they were doing and pretend you weren’t acting really, really out of character. Rich people. They’re good at overlooking the crazy.
“Of course,” the butler clears his throat, “In here, you’ll find Master Dick’s collection-” score! Not another fan can claim this right, “-and in the fridge a carton of milk. Are you sure I couldn’t serve it for you, miss? I understand you might still be a little…”
His voice trails off. Little what?
He glances at the others and then leans in close like he’s going to tell you a secret. Behind a hand, he whispers, “Hungover.”
Ah. Well, yes, but you were a big girl who could make her cereal, even on hangover days. Kind of embarrassing it was that obvious, though. You were usually better at hiding how much of a mess you were.
“I’ll be fine, thank you,” you say, and the butler nods and backs off. You’re pretty sure at this point that he was the one who called you yesterday morning, but you still couldn’t quite recall his name. When you were out of sight, you’d check your phone for his contact information.
See? You could do this. Stealthy.
As you start perusing through the cereal options, Tim gets up from his spot by the counter and comes to stand next to you at the breakfast bar. He heads straight to the coffee machine, and you glance at it longingly.
It’s one of those cafe-quality fancy espresso makers, with an Italian name embossed in silver on the top. Tim manipulates the machine like a master, which you’re very jealous of because it might as well be alien technology to you. You miss your shitty drip coffee, at least that dingy little machine was loyal to you. Better than George.
“Coffee?” Tim Drake offers, glancing at you. Ah, the starry eyes are back. While Damian Wayne had been a mildly disappointing introduction, Mr. Drake was just reinforcing your celebrity worship. And of course, because your brain works against you, his offer reminds you of the daydreams you’d had on your first twenty-first birthday. Coffee shop au real person fiction- a new low, even for you.
Flustered, you look up at the ceiling. The old mansion is decorated in every single available corner, the plaster above spreading across the entire surface with delicate filigree and pretty curling patterns. It’s gorgeous, absolutely entrancing. That’s what you tell yourself at least.
“Please,” you say, your voice just the slightest bit too quiet. He hears you anyway.
It’s surprisingly domestic. Of course, you don’t know any of these people past face value and Wired YouTube interviews, but… it’s quite indulgent. This is sort of your dream, isn’t it? A full house of people enjoying their morning together. Peaceful bird song drifting in through open windows. The comfort of being around people you trust, not having to perform or put on a show. Well, you are very much putting on a show right now. It’s the thought that counts, or whatever.
“What would you like in it? We have sugar, milk, oat milk, and I like having a few syrups on hand,” Tim chatters excitedly, listing off the different ingredients he has on offer. Your poor ass stares at his rich one, and you are very rudely reminded these people live in different tax brackets than you.
Who the fuck had coffee syrups in their house? You could barely afford the little treats of caramel syrup you get every couple of months. The disappearance of the middle class was one you had witnessed personally.
You rattle off a very basic, bland order. Tim looks sort of disappointed in you which… well, you could be a coffee snob. You just didn’t have the time, usually. A flat white kept you going through the day, you didn’t need anything else. And so, Tim hands you a very bland coffee, and it is god sent. You can’t imagine how good it would be if you had mustered up your courage and asked for some caramel syrup.
Huh, you could be a coffee snob. You could be anything you wanted, really. And your first thought is being a coffee snob. Good God.
“Are you going to be staying?“ Bruce Wayne asks, immediately putting you on the spot. You weren’t ready for this, you were thinking about the coffees you could buy. Oh no, you really aren’t ready for this.
“At least for now, right?” Tim Drake says, just making it all the more stressful. You let out an awkward chuckle, fingers tight around your drink.
“Oh, I don’t want to be an inconvenience-”
Damian Wayne slams his mug down on the table, so hard a crack splinters up its side. He picks the cup up, strides across the kitchen, narrowed green eyes meeting yours for a second, and then he dumps the cup in a secret rubbish can. He murmurs an apology to the butler and then is out of the room.
Okay, well, you certainly feel like an inconvenience.
The butler clears his throat, and says, “Please forgive young master Damian. He’s been having a difficult time recently, I hope you can understand.”
And you think, ‘bitch, a difficult time?! He’s not the one who almost died last night!’ but what you say is, “Of course, I completely understand. I don’t want to bother him anymore so I’d really like to leave today.”
Mr. Wayne laces his fingers together, blue eyes giving you an assessing look.
“Stay for the day, and you can leave tonight. I want to make sure you’re truly alright,” he eventually says, and the mere presence of the man has you yielding to his commands. Didn’t really matter you were an adult who’d managed to survive this long on your own, you were listening to the big scary guy when he told you what to do.
Well, that’s that! You make your cereal and have a very quiet breakfast. You can’t tell if they’re being quiet because you’re here, or if mornings are usually like this. You hope they’re usually like this. Once you’ve finished your very nice cereal (one of the highest rated on Dick’s Instagram) you place the bowl by the sink. You want to wash it, but when you ask Alfred he gives you a look like you kicked his dog. Okay, you’ll just go then.
You’re about to sneak away, when you realise Tim’s staring at you… again…? But this time he seems quite focused on your clothing. His eyes follow the double lines on the side of your sweatpants, before settling on the Beatles logo on your shirt. He hums at it. Raises his brows.
“I’m sorry, I borrowed this because I didn’t have any other clothes. Is there something wrong with me wearing this?” you ask, and then experience a moment of horror, “This doesn’t belong to you, does it?”
“Hmm?” Tim chirps, “Oh, no, don’t worry. It’s not mine.”
And then he turns away from you in a very clear dismissal. Nice, you really wanted to go hide for an hour or two. With one last awkward wave to Bruce Thomas Wayne, you scurry out of the kitchen and back to the bedroom you’d started thinking of as yours. You need to figure out how you're going to handle all this, and you're going to do it alone. Maybe with some dessert, if you can find it. You wouldn't say you think better with sugar running in your veins, but it definitely makes you more willing to deal with the bullshit that is your life. Hopefully it'd work in your new one, too.
-
Tim listens to your retreating footsteps, waiting till you’re far enough away to begin talking to Bruce. Humans were creatures of habit, so you’d probably be going back to the same room you slept in last night. He thinks Damian and him were the only ones who noticed whose shirt you were wearing, B’s off his game today. You’ve really managed to mess him up, to Tim’s delight.
“See? Dames was totally fine with her being here,” Tim says, cheerily enjoying his youngest sibling’s suffering. Bruce sighs, witheringly, lifting his hand to rub against the headache he always has. He’s probably noticed the excited, slightly fanatic gleam that’s entered into Tim’s eyes.
It was sort of obvious. This was all so exciting! You’d come back, sporting absolutely none of the defensive vitriol you usually have, and ate breakfast together. You took a coffee out of Tim’s hands. You’d willingly spoken to the devil, who everybody in the family knew hated you as much as you hated him, and even more than that-
You’d spoken to Bruce. Tim was sporting the idea that you’d gotten head trauma, at this point in time.
“Okay, fine. You get the mission, but-” Tim has to resist the urge to clap his hands together like a gleeful child “-but no extra cameras. I’m serious, Tim, if I find out you’ve invaded her privacy just after she’s starting to warm up to us again-”
“She wouldn’t know,” Tim complains, cutting the Bat off with a roll of his eyes.
“She’s smarter than you’d think,” Bruce shakes his head. Tim has to disagree, after the catastrophe that was last night. Unless of course, you were just playing with them all. So many options, it’s dizzying.
“We’ll shelve that argument for later. So, I want full control of the case, and in turn, I’ll do another two weeks as CEO,” Tim waves off Bruce’s complaints, going straight into haggling. The CEO position was tossed between the two of them like a hot potato, and it was one of Tim’s favourite bargaining tools.
“I am absolutely not agreeing to that, a month and nothing less.”
“This is why half your children don’t talk to you, but sure, whatever. Chase away your last, loyal loving son-”
“My God, Tim. Three fucking weeks, and if I hear another word I will hand this matter over to Grayson,” Bruce sighs, sounding a bit defeated.
Tim gives an offended gasp, placing his hand against his chest. And then he realises Bruce might actually be serious, and freaks out a bit.
“He’d be bad for it. Far too personally involved. You definitely don’t want to do that,” he says, leg bouncing under the table. Of course, the Bat notices, but he doesn’t mention it. He wouldn’t take this from Tim, they both knew he was getting too frazzled around the edges. He needed something to focus on, to ground him.
You were the perfect project. He loved his projects.
“I am aware. But the girls are out of town, and uncontactable. And I think if I gave Damian this assignment the two of them would kill each other.”
“No Jason option, sir?” Tim says because he’s a shit-stirrer and wants to get to work.
Tim succeeds in chasing Bruce away. He’s left to have his coffee in peace as the old man quickly flees the room at the mention of the son he's on the worst terms with. For the next few hours, Tim taps away on his computer, enjoying his time.
And when the front doors open, his ears prick, and a decidedly evil grin spreads on his face.
“I’m home!” Dick calls out, words travelling through the grand manor.
Tim gets up from his seat and wanders leisurely to the main hall, where Dick stands. He’s got a suitcase by his side, filled with all the things he’s brought up from the Blud. When he spots Tim, Dick’s face spreads in a familiar sunny smile. He quickly rushes to Tim’s side, swallowing the younger brother in a hug. Tim groans at the tight squeezing.
Despite his clinginess, it was good to see him. His tanned skin glowed healthily, and his curly black hair was messy over his brow. Sapphire blue eyes sparkled. He was happy to be home, despite everything that was going on. Dick always looked like he’d just gotten back from a run because he usually had. It was hard to get the guy to sit still for even a minute, much less stop parkouring over every imaginable surface.
“Tim! How’s it been? Ah, it’s so good to be home,” Dick starts, and again, Tim groans. When Dick starts yammering he never stops.
“I’m good, man. We can talk later, you should go put your things away before Alfred does,” Tim reminds Dick, and Dick pouts. It was a general rule that unless it was cooking, the family wasn’t supposed to rely on Alfred for everything.
“Alright, alright. I’ll be down in a minute! I have so much to tell you,” Dick relents, hand lifting to mess with his hair. Tim pushes him off, glaring at the man, and Dick laughs.
Tim gives Dick a tired wave as the gymnast bounds up the stairs to his bedroom. Tim watches him disappear down the hallways, and thinks, ‘I wish I could see this happen.’ He sighs, guess he’ll just have to hear Dick retell the story later. The distant sound of your shrieking voice has him chuckling. Yeah, he’ll hear about it later, he’s sure.
MASTERLIST - NEXT
#Series:WWW#yandere batfam#batfam x reader#yandere dc#yandere batfamily#yandere x reader#dick grayson x reader#nightwing x reader#jason todd x reader#red hood x reader#tim drake x reader#red robin x reader#damian wayne x reader#robin x reader
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My Person | L.Hughes
summary - you and Luke have been each other’s person, it just has taken a while for you both to realize it.
note - I’ve been working on this for a while, and I wanted to get out before I dive into the blurb night requests. I hope you like it!
warnings - a little bit of angst, mentions of parties and drinking, but other than that nothing else (if there’s more let me know!). maybe some grammar errors
masterlist
Ever since you met Luke at a frat party at the University of Michigan, you two have always been each other’s ‘person’. Constantly looking for each other in a crowded room, calling each other when something happened, going to eat after a stressful day, or hanging out with each other with shared friends.
Truthfully, you don’t really know how it happened. You were both new to the university, he had hockey friends and you had friends of those friends. Your friends had convinced you one late September night to go to a frat party with them, although it was late you agreed, and then you got introduced to the hockey team, but you hadn’t met Luke yet. It was overall a great night, and nearing 11:30, you decided to take a break from talking with everyone and the drinking games, and made your way outside to sit on the patio couch. The drinking was starting to catch up to you as a headache was coming on.
Rubbing your forehead to try to release the pressure, you didn’t even notice that someone had made their way outside. “Hey, are you okay?” Startled by hearing someone, you look up and see a guy standing there wearing a black Michigan shirt with jeans.
Waving him off, you reply back, “Oh, yeah, just got a headache coming on.” He nods his head, but walks to go sit on the other chair. You lean back into the couch you’re on.
After a moment of awkward silence between you, although the crowd inside was nothing but, the guy speaks up again, “Why are you out here?” He’s busy looking off to the side while he asks it.
“Um it was just getting to be a bit too much for me, just needed a breather.” You shyly laugh, looking at him. “Why are you out here? Since you asked me.”
He finally turns his head to look at you, he says, “I guess I could say the same. One can only handle a drunk Dylan Duke for only a little bit.” He can’t help but to let out a laugh.
Remembering the name he just said from meeting all the hockey players earlier in the night, you ask him, “He’s on the hockey team right? Are you on the hockey team?”
He nods his head and says, “Yeah, I am. Are you friends with him?”
Shaking your head, “Oh, no, some of my friends are, I just met him and all the rest of the players earlier tonight.”
“Oh. I guess I got here a little bit after that. Anyway, since you met the others, I guess I could introduce myself,” he says with a laugh, “My name is Luke.” He leans forward and holds out a hand for you to shake.
Deciding if you should, you lean forward and shake his hand. “I’m Y/N.” He smiles at you, and let’s go of your hand and leans back in his chair.
From then on, every party that you both ended up at, you two would constantly be searching for each other. For you, there was something about him that seemed to make you calm down, and for him, he found you absolutely captivating by how you seem to hold the stance of everyone around you.
For months of freshman year, if anybody needed to know where either one of you were, they just needed to find one of you. They knew if they needed Luke, that he would be with you and it was the same for the other way around.
Sometimes his friends, like Dylan and Ethan, would constantly chirp at him as soon as he made it to a party you weren’t at.
“Hey Lukeyyy, Y/N isn’t here tonight I don’t think, what will you ever do!” Dylan would say as Luke walked into a party instantly looking around for you.
“How’d you even know I was looking for her anyway?” Luke would say shyly to him.
Ethan stepped in to say something. “Oh, please. As if you don’t look around at each party for her everytime.” Luke would just end up walking away from them to go grab a drink and then text you to see where you were and if you were okay. You would always be quick to reassure him that you were not feeling it that night and he could always come by your dorm if he wanted to (he always wanted to and he would always leave the party to find you).
When it came to Michigan hockey games, you were always trying your best to be at them. Every morning of a home game, Luke would text you to make sure you were going to be able to make it. If there was an away game, he would make sure you were going to able to keep up with the game. Not only were you there to support your schools team, you were mostly there to be Luke’s number one fan, which you never failed to tell someone if they asked.
You would make sure to always wear Michigan colors and you always would make sure to wear something Luke related. When you first told Luke you were interested in going to the hockey games, he made sure to give you a little necklace that had the number “43” on it, which only made it seem like you two were an item (possibly that what Luke wanted).
One time when he was extra anxious before a big game, you gave him your lucky blue bracelet that you wore every time you were anxious yourself. Luke knew how much you loved and cherished that bracelet, so he was extra grateful that you let him wear it. Not to mention that was probably one the moments that he fell in love with you more.
At the end of freshman year, you were busy with finals and packing to go back home when it all become too much. After spending the majority of the day with your head in a textbook and looking at your laptop, you were feeling the affects of not much sleep and all your anxieties piling up on top of you. When you decided you needed a break, you made your way to Luke’s place. He had barely heard from you in two days, he knew you were busy.
When you got there, he could see the tiredness and the emotional state that you were in. Pulling you into his room, he lets you sit on his bed as you spill out all that you are worrying about. When all of a sudden you were struggling to breathe, Luke pulled you into his arm and rubbed his hand up and down your arm to calm you down. He knew you weren’t sleeping much, so he let you lay down in his bed to rest. He was just going to let you rest while he went and did some errands, but you grabbed his hand and had him lay down with you. He instantly laid down with you and let you sleep until the next day. In the morning, you realized your feelings for him had grown.
During the summer break, you were back in your hometown, while Luke was back at his brothers’ lake house. He invited you to come over for a few weeks, but you wanted to at least go home for a bit before going. While you were away from him, you two never failed to FaceTime each other and text one another about all the things you did.
When you went to the lake house after not seeing him for about a month, you both couldn’t have been happier to see each other. You had met his parents, Ellen and Jim, at a few home games, and had even gone out to dinner with them, but you hadn’t met his brothers. His parents absolutely adored you and were secretly hoping you two would get together (at least that’s what they would tell Quinn and Jack). You knew as soon as you got to the lake house you were going to have to meet Quinn and Jack. You were nervous about meeting them for some reason, which was weird since you weren’t as nervous when meeting Ellen and Jim. It was just due to them two being his older brothers and they were constantly looking out for him.
You instantly hit it off with Jack when you met him after he came back in from being on the boat. You both had joked over how Luke was falling off the wake board every time he tried to get on it for at least a week. (Luke was offended you were teaming up with Jack to go against him). However, getting along with Quinn was a bit harder.
With Quinn, you decided that he was just looking out for Luke and didn’t want to see him get hurt, even though you two weren’t dating. Over the three weeks you were at the lake house, Quinn slowly began to notice how good you were for Luke. This was especially true when he saw how you never failed to make Luke laugh over anything and everything. He also saw how much Luke was in love with you. He had pulled Jack aside multiple times to see if he had noticed it too (he had) and they both made a bet on when you two would get together.
Anytime Jack’s friends, Trever, Cole and Alex, were over, they were constantly asking Jack if you and Luke were together. Everybody seemed to understand you two had feelings for each other besides you and Luke.
While you were at the lake house, you were there for Luke’s draft day. He had been nervous all day for it, but you were constantly reassuring him all would go well and made sure he had your bracelet. You were so happy when he was selected by New Jersey, as you knew how much he wanted to be back with Jack. Once the excitement of the night calmed down, you had sneaked into his room and laid with him all night long talking about anything and everything.
Sadly, summer came and went. The start of sophomore year for you and Luke was in full force. Somehow during the craziness of school starting, you slowly started to realize that you may have feelings for Luke. From the shy glances to him across the room that has him sending you a smile or the early morning coffee and breakfast meetups or the constant calling each other over the smallest thing that comes up, but you don’t ever tell him, and he never tells you.
Once school was in full swing, holidays came and went, parties came and went, assignments came and went, and hockey games came and went all leading up to Luke’s last game with Michigan hockey. You made it to the game, and you were nervous but it was mostly for him. You knew how nervous he was throughout the whole day leading up to the game, as he never failed to tell you when he was anxious. You knew he was leaving as soon as the game was over, you just had to prepare yourself to see your best friend leaving.
At the end of the game, he finds you. Pulling you into a hug, he says into your neck, “Thanks for being here tonight. Tough loss, but I don’t have time to think about that.”
Pulling back from him, you smile. “You gotta start heading out, don’t you?”
He gives you a sad smile and a nod. “Yeah, I do. But I’ll text you when I land, and anytime after that. Call anytime, I mean it! If I don’t answer, then text me and I’ll call you back.”
“You need to stay focus when you get there, I don’t want to burden all my problems on you.”
Rubbing his thumb in circles on your arm, he shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I like listening to your problems and everything else, and plus I’ll be calling you constantly about mine so it will be even!” He laughs and pulls you into another hug.
“Alright, I gotta go. Be careful getting home,” Luke says. You stay there in that spot, watching him walk away, but he turns around and yells, “You better text me when you make it home so I know you made it safely!” You manage to let out a laugh and nod your head and give him a thumbs up. Once he made it out the doors, you made your way to find Dylan, as he was your ride.
“You know, why don’t you just confess that you like him as more than a friend?” Dylan says as he puts an arm around your shoulder as you both walk.
“Uh I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you say as you eye him down out of the corner of your eye.
“Hmmm, yeah sure. Whatever you say. Just saying, you both act more like a couple than any other couple I have seen.”
That whole conversation with Dylan stayed in your head for weeks after that. With Luke gone to New Jersey, you two still called each other or texted each other, but it soon became limited to a few text or calls during the week, as you were busy with school and he was busy with playoffs. On your part, the lack of communication with him was that you were scared of your ever growing feelings for him. You were scared that he didn’t feel the same or that he would no longer be your best friend, so you limited yourself on how much you talked to him.
Luke thought it was weird that you weren’t talking to him as much. He would call you but you would just talk to him for five minutes and then have to hang up. He was glad to finally be playing in the NHL, but he hated that he couldn’t see you or talk to you everyday like he did. He was constantly asking Dylan and the other guys if you were okay and what you were up to, which made their theory of him liking you grow even more.
When the Devils played the Hurricanes in the playoffs, Ellen saw how much Luke missed you, and with school ending, she invited you out to game five. You were weary about going, but honestly you had to see him. It had been a long while without him. You knew it would be a complete surprise to Luke.
The game was rough, and sadly they lost so they were out of the running. You were even more nervous to see Luke now that they lost. You followed Ellen and Jim down to the boys. You stayed behind his parents as Luke and Jack hugged each one. Once Luke pulled away from Jim, his eyes finally landed on you.
Although he was shocked to see you, he made his way to you. He instantly pulled you into a hug, squeezing you so tight as if he had to make sure you were actually there.
“I can’t believe you’re here, How’d you even get here?” Luke says as he pulls away from you, keeping his hands on your arms.
“Ellen flew me in. You know I had to see you play in a NHL game sooner or later,” you give him a smile.
“Yeah, if only we had won,” he mumbles.
“I’m sorry, I know you guys have been working hard, and to have made it this far is still pretty good.”
“I know, but enough of that, my night has just gotten better now that you’re here.” You felt your heart instantly melt at his words. You only hoped that he meant it in a way that meant something more.
Hearing someone clearing their throat behind you, you look to see that Jack is looking very impatient. “Okay, lovers or whatever you are, I’m hungry so let’s go get food, unless you two are going to stay here all day staring at each other then we will leave you.” At his words, Ellen smacks his arm telling him to shush.
Knowing that he is upset with the loss of the game, and not wanting to make him even more upset, you and Luke follow them outside of the arena to the car.
Once dinner ended, you and Luke made your way back to his hotel room, bidding goodnight to his parents and Jack, who just weirdly smiled at you and kept raising his eyebrows. Walking into Luke’s hotel room, you anxiously stand around for a second before walking to the chair in the room and sitting your bag on it.
You’re sitting on the bed picking at your nails, when Luke speaks up from across the room. “I missed you, you know?”
Looking up at him, you see him leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, like something is bothering him. “I missed you a lot too, actually,” you voice back. Expecting him to say something sweet back, but he just scoffs at your reply.
“Really? Because it really didn’t seem like you did.”
You tilt your head at him since you don’t know what he’s so upset about. “What do you mean? I called, I texted all the time.”
He laughs, “Yeah but only every other day or so, and when I called you, you seemed to be in such a hurry to get off the phone!”
“Well, I had things to do!” Now you were getting upset as well at him.
“I had things to do as well! But I made sure to always call or text you, since that’s what I promised to do!” He says while running his hand through his hair. “I was completely stressed out after a game the other day, and I wanted nothing else to do but call my best friend to tell her about it, but she didn’t answer and left me a measly text!” His voice is starting to get louder.
“You know, I had to go through Dylan and the guys to figure out if you were actually okay! They always said that you were, and they were just as confused as I was about you not talking to me!” He turns his head from you to look at the wall, trying to take a moment to calm down.
Standing up from the bed, you say, “Well, maybe I just didn’t want to talk to you! I- um- well- I thought that maybe if I didn’t talk to you, you wouldn’t figure out how I felt.”
Whipping his head back to you, he asks, “What do you mean how you felt?”
Sighing, you reply, “Nothing, forget I said anything.”
Walking over to you, he shakes his head. “Oh, no, no, no. I finally get to hear you talk, and I now don’t want you to stop. So say what you meant.”
Deciding to just suck it up and tell him, you breathe out and then look up into his eyes. “Fine, I like you as more than a friend. Wait- actually I think I may love you more than a friend.” You continue to stare into his eyes as you wait for a response.
After a few seconds, he starts to smile. “You mean to tell me that you wouldn’t talk to me because you loved me as more than a friend?” He actually lets out a laugh.
Crossing your arms, you mumble, “Okay, if you going to laugh, just forget I said anything.”
His smile falters. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh that way, I just mean that I find it funny you wouldn’t talk to me because you actually love me when I feel the exact same way as you.”
Your arms fall to your side at his confession and your cheeks start to turn red. “What?”
“Listen, I love you more than anything in this world. You are the only person that I voice my worries to, you are the only person that cares so much about me, you are the only person who can make me laugh or whatever no matter what. You are my person. I want nothing more than to be your person. I want to be the person you call no matter what, I want to be the person that is always there for you, and I want to be the person who always makes you laugh.” He finally lets out a breath, as if he has been holding in how he truly felt for you forever (he has).
“Luke, honey, you have always been my person. I just don’t think I truly realized it until before you left, hell I think everyone realized a year ago,” you stifle out a laugh, looking at him with blurry eyes.
Luke lets out a laugh as well. “I know, Dylan, my brothers, my parents have all been trying to get me to just tell you. Not to mention, I definitely think they have a bet going on.” He walks closer to you and doesn’t hesitate for a second to pull you into his arms.
You wrap your arms around his back, rubbing them up and down, and then pulling him in tighter. You never want to let him go, and he never wants to let you go either. “So what does this mean for us?” He pulls back to look at you, you lift a hand to move some curls out of his face.
He gives you a shy smile as he says, “I think this means that I can finally ask if you’ll be my girlfriend?”
“I think that would only make sense. So yes, I’ll be your girlfriend!”
“Great because I’ve been dying to kiss you ever since I seen you outside of that frat party over a year ago!”
“Maybe if you did kiss me at that party, then it would have sped up this process,” you joke.
“Hmmm, imma kiss you now.”
Once your lips meet, it’s like all of sudden all of the pieces that had been missing are all of a sudden mended back together. You both kiss each other like your lives depend on it, like you need each other’s touch to live, and maybe you do.
Suddenly needing air, you break apart. You lean your forehead against his, and the smile on your face is still going strong.
“You know, we’re going to have to now tell everyone that they were right about us.”
He laughs, “Yeah, and they’re never going to shut up about it!”
“They better give us half of the money from their bets.”
“Ugh, Jack’s going to be so annoying when we tell him.”
You nod, “Yeah, maybe we tell him last so that he is a little bit less annoying about it.”
“Doesn’t matter, he’ll have an ego no matter what,” he says. “I love you so much.”
“I love you so much too,” you say, running your fingers through his hair.
“I’m glad, now come on, I’m exhausted after this long night. I’ve been dying to cuddle with you.”
“And you wonder why everyone thought we were together.” You say as he leads you to the bed.
You knew that all you ever needed was each other. You were his person and Luke was your person. It may have taken a while to realize it, but you wouldn’t change it for the world.
#luke hughes#luke hughes blurb#luke hughes x reader#luke hughes imagine#luke hughes imagines#nhlhockey fic#nhl imagines#imagines#my fics#hockey imagines#hockey fics
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now what? part one - bob floyd x reader
description: Y/N and Bob work in the local aquarium. It's their summer job - all set up by Y/N's mother, a long-time college friend of Bob's mother.
That being said, growing up together doesn't mean you have to like the person who is always there are your birthday parties and new year's celebrations. Even if you didn't want him there.
But there is a fine line between love and hate; a fine line between what others can see and what you can't
ao3 link!
word count: 2.5k
tags/warnings: college!au bob floyd - enemies to lovers (hehehe or are they a secret worse thing?), eventual smut? angst etc. appearance of other top gun maverick characters.
a/n: ok i am back with another fic - this was abandoned idea i had back in 2021 so i just jotted this up on the train home so its not proof read so idk hope u enjoy and please tell me if you want more!!!
CHAPTER ONE - The Cause
JUNE
‘Just because I’ve graduated university doesn’t mean that I’m not free all summer, Rooster. I have so much to prepare for - applying for postgrad, looking at trainee jobs at firms…’
‘But it is also your last summer of freedom, Y/N - live a little!’
‘I know, I know, but I need the money to spend on the amount of pints I will be drinking and the clothes I’m going to need if I get a job.’
‘But-’
You interrupt, ‘can we please just pick whatever shitty drink you are planning on getting yourself blocked on tonight and get out of this 7/11 please.’
‘Ah, not even a minute to think here, Y/N, you’re killin’ me!’
‘We’ve been here for 20 minutes.’ You deadpanned. ‘15 of those you’ve spent convincing to quit my job at the aquarium so I can get drunk with you, on money I would not have if I didn’t have my job.’
‘Alright, alright!’ Rooster laughed, picking up a cheap bottle of white rum. ‘How do you feel about rum and lemonade tonight?’
Shoving him in the shoulder, you laughed.
‘Your liver will thank you in the years to come, Bradshaw.’
He grinned, brushing past you to pay.
Standing in the linoleum aisle, you try to hold on to the feeling that this isn’t your last summer of freedom. Your inner monologue of years of late nights in a law firm and endless phone calls, meetings and emails flood your mind. Quitting has crossed your mind before; not just because you want to live more but because of your co-worker, Bob, sworn enemy, tormentor and your best friend’s other best friend.
The 7/11 was pretty busy for a Tuesday night, you were used to the quietness of North Island; the few students that would drift in for a late-night snack stash or alcohol stash depending on the type of student, and the occasional business person sneaking in after a long day.
Being home for just two days, somehow you were heading to the Bradshaw’s for ‘drinks’. Drinks meaning Bob’s parents were out of town and Bob had pulled together some of his friends from university, school and his younger sister’s friends to drink into the early hours. Whilst you were never one to turn down a night of music, sweaty bodies, and the burn of alcohol down your throat, nerves flooded your body any time you thought about spending any more time than you already do with the eldest Floyd and those nerves made it pretty easy for you to want, to need, to turn down the plans. But, who could say no to a face like Rooster’s or Nat’s.
Anyways, your recent break-up needed a little bit of substance therapy. Or substance abuse, as Jake would call it. Hangman always had a way with words.
‘Okay so are you really going to tell me what’s bothering you or am I just going to have to guess?’
The cold, early evening breeze sent goosebumps up your arms and legs. You turned to face him, cursing yourself silently for wearing a skirt - should’ve known better that tonight was going to be a cold one.
‘Nothing, truly. I’m okay. Just tired - unpacking is the most exhausting thing.’
You knew he didn’t believe you but he didn’t push, just nodding and grabbing your arm and pulling you along.
The walk from the 7/11 to the Floyd’s wasn’t long but it was so familiar. Things had changed, sure, new houses replaced the old and the once bright white lines demarking the road had weathered and were barely there, but it was familiar. It was home. But it had changed. A funny feeling, you mused.
You heard the house before you saw it. The beat of whatever shitty early 2000’s club tune pulsed the ground as you waited for Bradley to hurry up, stop blethering and unlock the door. A cheeky grin flashed your way as he pulled open the door and you were met with the humidity of the Sahara and the smell of cheap beer and Victoria Secret’s perfume. Then you were met with the sight of him - catching his eye while a sycophantic, pretty blond followed him around like a lost puppy dog.
Home was a fickle thing. One minute it’s beautiful, the next the most infuriating thing you have ever seen.
Smiles and greetings exchanged to familiar faces and new ones alike. The cold taste of the rum and lemonade slipped down your throat as you stood in the kitchen, just observing. Not participating, just watching.
Some Franz Ferdinand song blared from the speakers as people mingled, flirted and drank their way around the room. The sun hadn’t set yet - but with the curtains drawn, it didn’t really matter. The early summer house parties were the best ones - before the heat of July and early August, before reality could set in you could enjoy June for what it was.
As the night passed on, he hadn’t talked to you once. Strange. Another funny feeling.
Funny feeling, that. Home wasn’t the only thing that was fickle it seemed. What was more fickle was every time you caught his eye it was as if Bob was already looking and as soon as your eyes met, his darted away as if you had never been there in the first place.
—
The Smashing Pumpkins were playing. To Sheila, you thought, what an odd choice for an aquarium.
The soft tones of the acoustic guitar floated through the corridors, swirling blue lit the ceilings as multi-coloured fish raced through each tunnel and turret. It was a comforting feeling - nothing changed in here, except for new life and the end. There wasn’t a need to be something you weren’t in here - pure magic and fascination coats the walls, you could be a child all you wanted all day and once you left it was back to reality.
‘Hey, boss is calling.’ And then the peace was interrupted.
Bob. You truly didn’t know where to start with him. In the beginning, it was just childish teasing, pulling hair and name calling, but as you got older it became different; constantly fighting for the attention of your parents - he always stole the spotlight, he could truly do no wrong. You just sat in the shadows, while he could tease and taunt you all he wanted with no repercussion it seemed. No chance to defend yourself against the blue-eyed boy. It didn’t help that you both were book-smart, had that same ‘wise-beyond-their-years’ countenance about you both. So alike yet so different at the same time. Where you could be extroverted, Bob’s introverted, shy persona made you seem crazy each time you’d rise to his taunts.
Anyways, any chance of ever reconciling with Bob flew out the window when you were seventeen. Years later, the knife is still stuck in your back.
With a short nod, you followed him through the doors.
‘What no bitchy comment, darlin’?’ He shoved you lightly.
‘Not the time, nor the place, asshole.’ You whispered back fervently, briskly walking ahead to shake him. Trying to shake the lightning strike in your abdomen from his touch. No such luck.
‘Ah right, I forgot that you get on your high horse when we’re at work.’ He murmured back.
‘No, Bob, you’ve forgotten that my Mom, your godmother, of all fucking people, owns this aquarium. You wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for her and neither would I - so I’m sorry that I think there’s a certain amount of respect that you owe her to not start shit here.’
‘You know, Y/N, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t argue with your co-workers on your first shift back.’ The voice of your mother called from behind you.
The shit-eating grin on Bob’s face filled your body with rage. That prick. To make matters worse, you know how much your Mom loves Bob. She was the son she never had. And you, the daughter she wasn’t too sure what to do with.
‘Mornin’ Mrs Y/L/N.’
Still such a suckup. It took so much out of you not to roll your eyes at his “do-goodery.”
She gave him a smile, ‘Alright you two, you’re in the gift shop today. I decided to put Nat and Jake on tickets so-’ Your glare cut her off, a tense stare she matched. ‘You better be on your best behaviour.’
The stare became pointed at the boy bouncing on the balls of his feet beside you. He had a persistent itch to be moving all the time, something he’d put down to anxiety and something you’d put down to something he does to purely annoy you.
‘Both of you.’ With that, she turned and walked towards an exhibit.
Sighing, you faced Bob. ‘Right well. We better set up, don't you think?’
Raising his brow, he nodded. ‘Lead the way, princess.’
You huff. ‘Don’t call me that.’
‘What?’ There was that quiet smirk on your face that you wanted to punch (no, kiss) off. ‘Thought you enjoyed getting the princess treatment.’
Rolling your eyes, you spare him a quick dirty look. ‘I’m not dignifying that with a response.’
‘Wow, what a wonder! I’ve rendered you silent, darlin’.’
You hated how he called you darling; the timbre of his southern accent dropping the ‘g.’ You hated how sometimes the sound echoed at night when you pretend to not be lying awake thinking of him.
You really have nothing to say to him right now. Too busy thinking about the hordes of children begging their parents to buy them some overpriced shark teddy. You quite liked the kids that would buy rocks. Something so innocent about a child picking up a very obviously fake amethyst, marvelling at its beauty, then begging their poor, unsuspecting parent that they must have this rock even if it costs 5 dollars. They always reminded you of… well, you. But you grew out of that childish desire to own rose quartz or anything else after Bob told your fourth grade class that you collected rocks. Safe to say you weren’t entirely popular in middle school.
There was stock to be put out, toys to arrange and a cash register to organise. At least you weren’t on tours for today. Fanboy almost always volunteered for them. And, in all fairness, he was good at them - you had to give it to them. It was almost smart putting Jake and Natasha on tickets, drawing parents in with two incredibly beautiful people then letting Fanboy rile their kids up instead of giving the parents something to look at (not the fish, Jake and Nat) and instead of tiring their kids out.
The gift shop wasn’t all bad. It’s peaceful in those first 15-20 minutes when the aquarium has just opened - not a single family makes it past the ‘petting pool’ for a good while. Then at closing time. Usually no one is there for the graveyard tours; the last one starts at 5pm. Then it's just mostly kids, high on whatever edible they’ve taken, and they don’t really care for stuffed animals when you’re seventeen and trying to escape this place. Yet, you can’t enjoy the peace because Bob is here. His presence is enough to irk you and there’s rarely been a time where his presence hasn’t pissed you off.
You’ve known him your whole life - he’s followed you everywhere and you can’t shake him. It pains you to admit that you wouldn’t know what to do if you had to shake him.
‘Whatcha thinkin’ about?’ Bob looks at you with those big, bright blue eyes with a hint of concern.
You glare and he almost shifts back to normal.
‘Jeez, forget I asked.’
How do you tell the one person you swore long ago you’d spend eternity loathing that you were scared about the day he would leave. Which could be soon. Considering that every single one of your close friends were signing up to become naval aviators; that’s what most people did around here. Top Gun was located so close. Those pilots were legend and almost every teenager or college-aged kid from around here wanted to be them. So many of those pilots were mythical beings. Except Rooster’s Dad - even though he wasn’t here, he almost was because Rooster was here. Which told you all you needed to know - the risks were too high and death was inevitable. Yet, Bradley was signing up, Jake was too, Nat, Bob and Fanboy. Every single one of them had their callsigns already figured out - no need for them to blessed upon them when they got there.
And soon you’d be alone. Probably still at this aquarium with no Bob to annoy you with his perfectly slicked hair, how nice his back looked when it was turned and how unbelievably frustrated he made you.
‘You have fun at the party? Ma said she didn’t see you.’ He’s trying, or at least he’s trying to convey that he’s actually nice to her sometimes.
‘Your Mom was at the party? Wow didn’t realise we all still had to be chaperoned.’ You still felt bad that you didn’t get to say hi to her if she was there.
‘Low blow, sweetheart. She was there for a bit, wanted to say hi to Rooster and you.’ He pauses as if he’s thinking of what he’s about to say, weighing it up.
‘Y’know she thinks of you like one of my sisters.’ The words come out heavy from his mouth. You blink at him in surprise. You’d never addressed how close your families were and how distant you both were.
‘Well, my Mom considers you the son she never had so,’ she meets his eye, ‘I guess we’re even then.’
‘Was it even a competition in the first place, Y/N?’ He says it so softly, and his eyes pour into yours - a depth of emotion you weren’t sure he had.
‘I-’
It stunned you, slightly. What was admitting to? What did he mean by that?
It didn’t matter though as kids came hurtling through the doors of the gift shop and the conversation was slowly forgotten. You never looked in his direction and, to the best of you knowledge, he never as much even looked at you.
Bob who always been so shy, so sweet to everyone else was a chip on your shoulder. The biggest baggage you carried around was his teasing, his want to be one-up-on-you. The standard you could never quite measure up to was your Mom’s best friends’ son. And everyone loved Bob. His quietness allowing him to fly under the radar. Yet, you spent all of high school and college at each others’ throats. And he could say what he liked, slightly hummed in the noise of a frantic classroom or college dining hall where no one would hear and it drove you crazy how no one saw Bob for what he is. An antagoniser, a smart-ass.
That sweet boy you used to play in the sandbox with and playfight over who got the last ice-pop at the family barbeque had grown up to be a hard ass. The boy whose surname you used to attach to your own and imagine your wedding was someone you swore you’d never feel anything but simmering loathing for. And somehow, someway he was admitting defeat?
This was going to be a long summer.
#bob floyd#robert floyd#bob floyd x reader#bob floyd x you#bob floyd imagine#bob floyd angst#bob floyd fluff#bob floyd smut#top gun maverick fanfiction#lewis pullman characters#lewis pullman fanfic#robert floyd x reader#robert floyd x you
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inconvenience
alhaitham x reader
sypnosis: after alhaitham fails to show up for your birthday “party” things seem to go worse between you as well as your best friend kaveh
warnings: angst, no comfort, arguments
the clock chiming felt taunting with every minute that passed. every minute that passed with alhaitham nowhere in sight. every minute that got closer to midnight. a gentle sigh left your lips, the thickly frosted cake sat in front of you untouched. you were sure if you had lit the candles they would have been nothing but melted wax by now.
you weren’t sure why you wanted to believe things would be different tonight. with alhaitham’s busy schedule it made moments between you two scarce and few. only speaking for a few minutes in the morning, knowing he’d be gone all day. you didn’t blame him for it, no. how could you? he was busy doing his job as a scribe! piling onto his already busy schedule felt nauseating. but you trusted his promise he made to you only two weeks prior. a promise to come home early on your birthday, to celebrate together.
it felt so long ago now. the clock reading 11:46 and he still wasn’t home. the sound of the door opening perked you up, a wide smile on your face as you got up, ready to greet alhaitham.
“haitham! i- oh.”
the blonde haired architect smiled softly at you, your shoulders slumping. “hey kaveh, why’re you home so late?” you spoke softly as he came inside.
“i just got caught up with things, figured i’d rather finish them here.. where’s alhaitham? i thought you two would be together right about now?”
you shook your head softly, “i guess he got caught up with things as well.”
kaveh studied your face for a moment before smiling sadly, “happy birthday (y/n).” you whispered a quiet thank you as he walked to his room, the door shutting gently behind him.
a silent storm brewed in your mind and you couldn’t help but feel so defeated. your boyfriend of four years couldn’t bother to show up for your birthday? did he really think his work mattered more than you?
you remembered every time you passed up something with your friends or an event you had wanted to go to, just for alhaitham. considering his feelings and knowing he didn’t like those things. only wanting to spend time together even if it meant missing out on things you also deemed as important.
always taking his feelings and thoughts on certain things, but he couldn’t even come home for your birthday? your sigh was much more aggravated than it was before, your patience as thin as paper.
just as you were about to put the cake away the door opened, the clock reading 12:24. no words were said as you closed the fridge door, making your way past alhaitham before he stopped you. a firm hand on your shoulder.
“what, alhaitham? it’s late, i’m going to bed.” you attempted to shrug his hand off but he held his grip. “you’re angry, why are you upset with me?” alhaitham spoke cooly and composed.
you scoffed loudly, angry tears were trying to escape your eyes but you wouldn’t let them. you wouldn’t cry over him.
“oh, i wonder! i really do, alhaitham. maybe because it’s my birthday and you didn’t bother to show up? just a reminder since you seemed to have forgotten, or do you just not care? i don’t think i want to know the answer.” you spat out like poison. a look of annoyance crossed alhaitham’s face.
“are you serious? you’re behaving like a child over your birthday? i was busy with my work, you know this. don’t go pouting now because i forgot one meaningless day.”
he didn’t care. he didn’t care how much this meant to you, even after telling him stories of how you always went out of your way for others. only to be disappointed in return. the one day of the year you wanted to feel like you mattered, and he didn’t care. he was more bothered with you being upset than anything.
“you can’t be serious alhaitham. you promised me!”
“then i suppose that promise didn’t mean much as i don’t recall ever making one.”
any argument you had in your mind now died. he wouldn’t care for any reason to justify your anger, he had made up his mind. and he wasn’t sorry for any of it.
you didn’t say anything as his hand left your shoulder, walking past you to the kitchen for a late night sandwich. you quietly made your way to kaveh’s room, shutting the door as quietly as you could behind you. kaveh spun around in his chair, a look of confusion on his face.
“kaveh.. alhaitham didn’t care! he just didn’t care at all. i waited all night, you know? i waited and waited and blew off invitations to spend my birthday with dehya and the girls and he just.. just didn’t care! he called me a child and i-“
“(Y/N)!”
your emotional rambling stopped at the yell of your name. kaveh held the same expression alhaitham had when he looked at you not too long ago.
“you are being an inconvenience right now, i have so much to do and i can’t deal with this right now. we can talk about it later but i’m busy right now. so please, get out of my room.”
you didn’t say anything as you left his room. alhaitham scoffing as you two saw each other before he made his way to his own room. the door shutting behind him.
you had never felt so unwelcome in a place you had grown to love and call home. but if you weren’t wanted, you knew better than to stay. to fight for a place that wasn’t yours. with that, you quietly slipped away into the night. texts and calls being missed from the both of them as you made a new life outside of them.
taglist: @sakiimeo @astrolomona @dearsumire @saeism @shoheartluv @0kauy @lelemnh @aqualesha @linkookie197 @xiaonscaraswife @foxlover1144 @reblog-crazily @sparklylanddetective @gh0sts0up @darliingyu @maxineslair @kenmabfasf @samarill @whorerificstuff
#genshin angst#genshin x reader#genshin x reader angst#alhaitham x reader#alhaitham angst#alhaitham#al haitam x reader#al haithem
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The Astrological Observation of Gen Z, (a series)
Part II 👶🏽🩷:
The birth of Gen Z children👩🍼:


Now what is described as a Gen Z baby is different depending on what method you use, but since we are using astrology, we determine that by looking at Pluto. Pluto is one of the slower moving planets and typically lasts in the same sign for over 12 years. In tropical astrology, what all Gen Z babies share is a Sagittarius Pluto (and it is in Scorpio if you fancy Vedic astrology 😎), Which begins in mid to late 1995 and ends in early to mid 2008. Some other placements that are shared for early 2000s babies is a Aquarius Uranus & Aquarius Neptune, While mid to late 2000s babies share a Pisces Uranus & Aquarius Neptune.
The most populated birth years of the 2000s in order were 1. 2000, 2. 2009, 3. 2008, 4. 2007, & 5. 2006. The least populated birth year being 2001. While the amount of births stayed consistent in 2002-2003 with only a slight increase by a million in 2004-2005.
00: 143.01 million
01: 133.88
02: 134.02
03: 134.40
04: 135.23
05: 135.80
06: 136.91
07: 138.56
08: 140.16
09: 141.20
The year 2000 was the start of the 21st century, so parents being excited for the new millennium and having lots of babies in the celebration of the new year makes a lot of sense. If we use January 1st 2000 as an example for a baby's birthday. That would mean that the parents would had to conceive / the mother to get pregnant around in April (9 months). In 1999, Jupiter was in Aries and Taurus was in Saturn. Prince wasn't lying when he said "we gonna party like it's 1999 (all night long)" - because y'all parents were doing the *Raven Symone voice* NASTY 😭. Aries is action oriented and hasty. So I believe the collective during this time actually made new year's resolutions that they could accomplish. I always associate Taurus with fertility, abundance, & pleasure. So when the sign rules over saturn, it creates the need to be focused on security, comfort, & protecting personal possessions. Add a Scorpio Lillith to the mix and yeah... 🥴 The song sums it up pretty well (fun fact it was also released in the year 2000 LMFAO)
Now let's see why there was such a decrease of babies being born in 2001.
Jupiter moves from Aries into Taurus/Gemini, Taurus still remained in Saturn, & then there was a Capricorn Lillith. So things got less hot and heavy 😅 (they got tired out from all that fucking huh LOL 💀). I believe that parents were too nervous to have any more children in this year. Also there was so many earth placements, so I believe there was more of a focus on finances, creating structure, and coming up with ideas/plans for a better future. Parents could of seen how crazy things got (The Y2K crisis, people acting out of fear thinking the world was ending, 9/11, etc) and just decided not to have as much children. The libido or sex drive could of died down for some couples as well. There was a lot of resistance from couples in this year for getting pregnant. Parents were more worried about business. The babies that were born in 2001 were most likely by accident or needed to be under the supervision of a doctor in order to help the parents conceive (also there could of been possible complications during the pregnancy 🤔?). The women were just over it during this year 😭
Now let's talk about the rise of babies being born in 2007-2009 when there was LITERALLY a god damn financial crisis going on 💀! It was so bad it got compared to the great depression and parents were just like "huh... yeah, I think this is a great time to have a baby" 😂. Guess what sign Lilith was during this time...? ("BITCH YOU GUESSED IT! HO! You was right"😈) FUCKING SCORPIO LILITH 💀 with a Virgo Saturn, Sagittarius Jupiter, and then Uranus finally transitioned from Aquarius to Pisces. Soooo it was giving anxious attachment, it's giving "I'm scared but aroused", the parents' idea of a coping method during this time was "let's use a baby as a way to have hope during such troubling times" 😭??? Couples during those years were not thinking clearly at all and with Pisces being the dreamer that she is 🙄... ("you're a dreamer, you dream a lot") as well as Sagittarius tryna act like they're mr. philosophical over here but instead is really just thinking with their dicks. It just made the parents overall act really delusional and they thought having a kid would give them hope for the future (like why would you do that to late Gen Z's and set them up like that omg 😭???). The financial crisis during 2007-2009 was described as: "The collapse of the housing market — fueled by low interest rates, easy credit, insufficient regulation, and toxic subprime mortgages — led to the economic crisis." So overall it was a period of parents only being intimate to try to find comfort in each other while also dealing with anxiety and not being able to see past their own illusions.
#miiight have to do another post on this i'm not sure#couldn't really think of what else to look at lol#astrology#astro observations#astrology observations#astro notes#gen z#2000s#y2k#mcbling#Spotify#pac#pick a card#pick a pile#tarot#witchcraft
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ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄 | 𝐣𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐤𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫
𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: every summer on your grandpa's farm was real-life magic to your younger self, who left a piece of her heart in amber valley when the years went on and the town became nothing but a faint childhood memory. soon enough, you become rocked by his death and realize the dead end in your bustling city world. this leads to you making an abrupt decision.
despite knowing nothing but designer purses and the corporate ladder, you uproot your entire life to take over your grandfather's old farm in the town you were desperately trying to remember - alongside a familiar face from your youth that permanently finds his way into your heart.
𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: jungkook/reader 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐒. inspired heavily by stardew valley, friends to lovers, childhood friends, cowboy jungkook, small town alternate universe, slice of life, grief, growing up, mutual pining 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓. 4.6k 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒. n/a

part three: the letters, the saloon and the second storm ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ previous. next. masterlist
vi. the letters
september 2nd 2008 (age 9)
dear jungkook,
my mom said i should write you letters. i don’t really know what to say here. you better be visiting marshmallow and be nice to her while i’m gone. i miss her a lot. i guess i miss having you around since i don’t have anyone to play guitar hero with…
p.s. happy late birthday maybe i can visit and come to your party next year if my mom lets me
from y/n
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ***
january 19th 2009 (age 10)
dear y/n,
i learned how to skate for the first time. it’s too bad the ice will be gone when you’re back and we won’t get to skate together. i can’t believe we’ll be in middle school soon. are you scared? hoseok and namjoon say it’s not a big deal. also, i saw your grandpa yesterday and he showed me how to use a tapper on a maple tree. so cool!
p.s. you should ask your mom if you can visit earlier this year
from jungkook
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ***
april 23rd 2009 (age 10)
HEY JUNGKOOK,
look inside the box, i sent you a book with this letter. i told you in my last letter that i would send you one. it’s astronomy for dummies (because you’re a dummy). you better read it before i come back to grandpa’s, okay?? you have a month and a half loser.
from y/n
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ***
september 30th 2009 (age 10)
hi y/n,
jimin sprained his ankle during gym class. your grandpa told me to write that because it probably just made your day. i feel a little bit bad for him, the nurse at our school is really mean. also i know it’s a month away but i’m so excited for halloween. my dad got me this really cool goku costume. what are you gonna dress up as?
from jungkook
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ***
february 4th 2010 (age 11)
jungkook,
i’m so tired of my parents fighting all the time. all they do is yell. i can’t wait to be back in amber valley so i don’t have to hear them all the time. i wish i had your parents, they’re so nice. also i hate my class. it’s so hard to be friends with the girls that sit next to me, they always leave me out of things. don’t you miss elementary school?
from y/n
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ***
may 17th 2010 (age 11)
dear y/n,
guess what. my dad got me a skateboard!! it’s so cool. if you’re nice to me i’ll let you borrow it. we should see who can do the coolest trick. it’ll be me of course i’m better than you at everything LOL. you better hurry and come back!
from jungkook
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ***
november 25th 2010 (age 11)
hi jungkook,
i can’t believe i’ll only be living with my dad soon. do you think my mom doesn’t want me? honestly, i’d rather just live with grandpa all the time. then i could see marshmallow everyday all year! or maybe you can convince your mom to take me in. actually, i take that back, i could never live with you. you’re so messy.
p.s. i got my own skateboard!! it’s cold now but i’m gonna practice and bring it with me next summer
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ***
february 18th 2011 (age 12)
y/n,
i know you’re super sad and stuff. i’m sorry about your parents. we’re gonna have the best summer ever though and maybe you won’t think so much about it. look at the bucket list i made!
eat breakfast for dinner
watch the captain america movie
ride the big kids ride at the midsummer fair (i’m tall enough now so you better be too)
stay up all night
make ice cream
if you have any ideas, add on! hope you’re doing okay :(
from jungkook
vii. the saloon
when jungkook mentioned the saloon to you, you thought it was a joke poking at the countryside life.
“oh, it’s actually called a saloon. like, unironically. that’s what the text said,” you rambled into your phone, edged between your ear and shoulder, as you stood in your kitchen in front of your laptop.
on the screen, you were assembling an excel sheet of sorts to assist your navigation through the business side of the farm. thankfully, this was exactly the field you had long worked and studied in and knowing this before taking on your new role made the transition far easier. there was hardly any product to be profiting from, as you had just arrived, and you were preparing the document before the time came to deal with vendors and other local businesses.
“oh, honey, that place has actually been called ‘the saloon’ ever since i was a little girl,” your mom’s voice chimed in from the other end.
since the turn of your early twenties, your phone calls to your parents were far and few between and you could hear the surprise in her tone when she initially picked up. but, your grandpa’s letter seemed to be growing truer everyday, as your surroundings made drew you to reconnect with what you thought was to be lost.
eyebrows furrowed, you continued to scroll through your work. “mom, do you think he meant it as a date? i can’t do a date, i literally just got here!”
“calm down. it’s that amber valley hospitality. but,” your mom paused, “you did have crushes on each other growing up.”
“mom, no way - “
she merely laughed. “it was so obvious! you mailed a valentine’s day card to jungkook every year. one time, he punched little jimin because he called you ‘jungkook’s ugly girlfriend.’”
“and then he screamed that i wasn’t ugly. huh, i do remember that,” you began to think.
spending time reminiscing with your mom momentarily distracted you from the anxiety you felt, waiting for the evening to come. jungkook did end up texting you, asking if you were coming down to the saloon for the birthday surprise. you looked away and closed your eyes when you pressed ‘send’ on the confirmation that you would drop by.
the idea made you nervous only because it had been so long since you went out and met new people. there was no such thing as free time in your old life and you really only maintained surface-level friendships with your coworkers in your last year of the job. however, knowing amber valley and the tight-knit community, it was only a matter of time before you got acquainted with everyone, whether you liked it or not.
by the time it was six, you’d forced yourself to get changed and inspected your outfit several times before leaving. the last thing you wanted to do was stand out too much. so, you put on your favourite denim jeans and a plain long sleeve top, putting away your go-to strappy stilettos for the night.
making your way into town was quick and soon enough, you found the pub situated in between the flower shop and the hardware store. it definitely looked like it’d been around since your mom was a little girl, the exterior siding showing age with chips here and there.
“hey y/n.”
you jumped, having not paid attention to your surroundings. turning around, it was taehyung holding a box adorned in magenta polka dot wrapping. he wore a similar outfit to the one from the day before, except a different cowboy hat. you wondered if there was a store in town that specialized in selling just these hats.
“hi taehyung. is this for jin?” you offered a smile, gesturing to the box.
a pleased grin formed on taehyung’s face. “yup. i’m pretty sure i got him the best gift out of everyone, but don’t tell anyone.”
he walked ahead of you and opened the door, pausing. you realized he was opening it for you and you quickly thanked him, going right in. small town hospitality.
it was saturday evening, but to your surprise, there were hardly any patrons in the bar. taehyung then pointed to a sign by the door, which you missed completely. it read: ‘private event, invite only.’
“oh, wow, am i v.i.p?” you joked, following him to the back of the room, where a stack of presents were grouped on one table.
“of course! you’re jungkook’s friend, after all,” he exclaimed, setting his box down with the others. “you guys go way back, huh? how long has it been since you guys since saw each other?”
you counted in your head. “i think twelve or thirteen years. a while.”
“what, no facebook back in the day?” he teased.
“no, he was never nearly fond of that. after i stopped coming for the summers, we lost contact completely.” you couldn’t recall any attempts for continued communication afterwards, other than your grandpa offering updates here and there about him. “we used to write, but i don’t know what happened. . .”
for a while, you wondered why jungkook never wrote you again after you stopped coming to the valley. admittedly, looking back, it hurt your preteen self that he never tried. but, eventually, you moved on and left jungkook in your childhood.
taehyung nodded slowly. “so. . .you didn’t know about what happened?”
you already knew what he was talking about and squeezed your eyes shut in embarrassment. “no. i felt really bad about it.”
“it’s okay. since i moved to town, i’ve really admired jungkook. if there’s any sort of pain, he hides it really well for the sake of others,” he said, leaning on the wall.
that sounded like the jungkook you remembered. he was always the type to put others before himself, no matter how small the issue. then, you began thinking about jiwon.
“taehyung, can i ask you something?” you suddenly said. “jiwon. she’s only nine. and jungkook doesn’t have any other family. . .”
the smile at the corner of taehyung’s lips was sad. “yeah. jungkook is her primary guardian and has been since he was nineteen.”
the answer seemed to weigh a hundred pounds and you had to take a second to take it all in. there were so many questions that formed, floating around your head and you couldn't seem to find the words to articulate any of them. before you could even try, you jumped again at the sudden appearance of two new individuals, one of them being jungkook himself and forced you to put away your thoughts.
“we’re behind schedule, did yoongi put the cake in the fridge?” this new person was turned to taehyung, carrying a case of beer. “we need - oh, hi! y/n! i totally remember you, i heard you were back!”
you’d never seen someone with such energy, exhibiting positivity like a ray of sunshine. it seemed like he was genuinely delighted to see you. taking a closer look at his features, you recognized him to be jung hoseok - jungkook’s next door neighbour. he put down the case in his hands and immediately pulled you into a bone-crushing hug.
“hoseok, hi!” you winced, trying your best to hug him back, but it certainly made you burst into a giggle.
he was the first person to remember you on the spot, which took you aback. a few years older than you, you weren’t as close with him as you were with jungkook growing up, but he was always around. you remember him as the big brother who showed you and jungkook the cool ‘older kid’ shows and games that your parents would have never let you watch at that young age.
“how have you been? you look so grown up! you’re really staying here for good?” the questions were rapid-fire, one after another.
beside him, jungkook was smiling, but tapped hoseok to bring him back into the main conversation. “hyung. hyung! we’re behind schedule, remember?” he groaned, but grinned wider when you met his eyes. “nice to see you, though, bunny. really glad you came.”
“oh, right.” hoseok quickly let go and cleared his throat, beginning to point to each of you with authority. “you, taehyung. go help jimin with the slideshow. namjoon has the pinata.”
pinata? how old was this jin person, was he one of jiwon’s friends?
“you, jungkook. jin said he’s five minutes away, we need you to distract him for a bit longer.”
“can i help?” you piped in, feeling a bit out of place. “i mean, i’m here as a last minute guest, i’m happy to help in any way.”
hoseok clapped his hands together in glee. “thank you, y/n! go help jungkook distract jin, you being there will give him a reason to yap on. let’s go team!” he raised his fist in encouragement and in the blink of an eye, he already dashed off.
at this, jungkook seemed unfazed and frankly, so were you. you remember hoseok’s personality to be like this - extremely vigorous and could never sit in one place. on the other hand, taehyung looked perplexed as much as he appeared amused. he only shrugged, picking up the case of beer that hoseok clearly forgot.
“let’s go team, i guess. i’ll see you guys in a bit!” taehyung chuckled, walking off.
you were expecting to be asked to move around chairs or help bring out food. this wasn’t quite in your cards. you turned to jungkook in confusion, who chuckled at your expression.
“come follow me.”
he led the two of you back out the saloon, hands in his jean pockets. the early summer air was stunningly humid and coming outside was like hitting a muggy and sticky wall. but, there was one thing that couldn’t be replaced.
you couldn’t help but stare up at the sky, a fixed gaze. “you can really see the stars when you’re in the valley.”
the stars, dotted across the night, twinkled and smiled down at you. it was a view that others only romanticized and dreamt of in carefully crafted paintings and poems made to move the soul. and now, this dream was your new home.
jungkook mimicked the way you tilted your head up, lost with his own gaze. “i’ve lived here all my life and i never get tired of it.”
“i can’t believe i forgot about this. . .” you trailed off.
he pointed out to the sky. “that one is ursa major and you can see - “
“ - the big dipper,” the two of you said in unison, which led to a shared laughter.
astronomy was one of your biggest interests growing up, having stacks of books and a tapestry of the night sky in your childhood bedroom. your bedroom in the farmhouse also had a shelf full of astronomy books, which your grandpa still kept until his passing. having ignored the task of organizing and arranging your new bedroom, which was the same room you occupied over your summers in amber valley, you made a note to go through this shelf when you arrived home.
jungkook said, “you’re the one that taught me about that,” he turned back to you. “you actually used to randomly quiz me on constellations, it was really stressful.”
you could see your younger self sitting on your grandpa’s porch steps with jungkook, who lazied on the hammock across from you. you would compile actual multiple-choice questions and threw pebbles at him whenever he got an answer wrong. eventually, your grandpa scolded you for that, so you changed your weapon of choice to toy balls.
“i guess my lessons paid off, though,” you bantered.
following this, you heard a person shout jungkook’s name. you looked over and saw a man walking in your direction. he was tall and handsome and his smile was inviting. a little too handsome, he reminded you of models you’d seen in high fashion ads. his clothes contributed to the image, a patterned short sleeve button down and t-shirt that gave off neat and put-together. he wore jeans like what seemed to be 90 percent of the town, but you noticed the luxury brand belt.
“oh, seokjin!” to this, jungkook nudged you, as if signalling for you to be ready for something.
this was jin? the birthday boy with a pinata? he had to be around hoseok’s age.
“hey! hoseok told me to meet him here, have you see him?” seokjin began looking around. “he is working tonight, right?”
“uh, did he?” jungkook’s tone was not convincing and you couldn’t believe the hoseok made such a horrible liar be the distraction. “i think he is, want me to call him?”
“um, yeah. he said he was returning something he borrowed from me.” seokjin looked at him strangely. “why don’t i just go inside and check? why are you just waiting out here?”
“this is y/n!” jungkook suddenly blurted out, seemingly having no way around the conversation. his smile was painful and avoided making eye contact.
your eyes went wide and seokjin turned to you, having not realized there was another person in his presence. “oh, i’m so sorry! i didn’t see you there.”
“yeah, hi, that’s me. y/n.” this time, it was jungkook looking at you like you were the least convincing person in the world. you cleared your throat and offered a handshake to seokjin.
seokjin didn’t seem to notice your awkwardness and took your hand. “it’s really nice to meet you. jungkook actually told me a lot about you!” it was subtle, but you could hear jungkook groan.
you raised your eyebrows at jungkook. “oh, did he?”
“you guys grew up together, right? and you’re taking over the old farm?”
although you could tell right off the bat that seokjin wasn’t from amber valley, his deamanour was just as welcoming and friendly. he asked you a few questions about where you’re from and how settling in was.
“i’m sure you’ll be a natural. it sounds like you already have a lot of experience!” seokjin exclaimed and his positivity gave you genuine reassurance. “we’re all friends around here, so don’t be shy to reach out if you need anything.”
“thank you,” you replied.
jungkook tried to regain his composure. “seokjin runs the bakery down the street.”
“yeah! my wife and i used to buy eggs from your grandpa all the time, hopefully we can keep doing that,” seokjin winked at you.
then, the front door of the saloon cracked open just enough for hoseok to poke his head outside. there was no sign of activity from the inside, with the lights now off and all voices coming to a complete silence.
seokjin tilted his head slightly when looking at hoseok. “there you are. are you. . closed? the bar is closed on a saturday night?” he asked.
“yeah, uh, plumbing issues,” hoseok’s eyes darted over to you and jungkook. “y/n, jungkook! what brings you here around this time of day? you should all come in!”
despite the growing skepticsm etched on his face, seokjin glanced over to you two and shrugged. he followed his friend’s gesture to come inside.
you mumbled to jungkook, “you and your friends are all terrible liars.” to this, jungkook stifled a laugh and playfully jabbed his elbow into your arm.
hoseok opened the door wider and seokjin went in first, while you and jungkook trailed after. you were surprised at how well they made the interior appear deserted, with not a single soul in sight. you did noticed that they even stacked the chairs on the tables, as if the establishment was really closed.
“by the way, hoseok is the manager of the saloon,” jungkook leaned into your ear and whispered.
the floorboards creaked with every step, only adding onto the heavy silence in the atmosphere. seokjin looked around, eyebrows furrowed. he cleared his throat, hoping to cut the awkward tension.
seokjin started, “so, y/n, what happened with you and ju - “
“surprise!”
all of the lights flickered on and filled the room. upbeat music turned on suddenly, causing seokjin to jump and yelp. two dozen or so people popped out from random places - underneath the booths, from behind the walls, and from behind the bar. balloons and streamers began spilling out from out of nowhere.
“happy birthday seokjin!” everyone yelled in unison.
you awkwardly tried to join in once you caught onto what everyone was saying. despite that, the high energy ended up engulfing you and you couldn’t help but smile. some of the boys started throwing streamers at seokjin, while namjoon appeared from under the bar with a lit chocolate cake and began approaching the birthday boy in question.
“thanks, y/n!” hoseok nudged you, as everyone began singing to seokjin. “it’s exciting that you’re around again!”
as the song concluded and seokjin enthusastically blew out his candles, you cheered along with everyone else. over the cheering, jungkook found his way to you again. he raised his hand, offering a high-five, which you immediately accepted.
something about the atmosphere unlocked something inside you. within days, you were welcomed into the community and for the first time in a long time, saw people that could become your actual friends. maybe this was what your grandpa was talking about.
“yeah,” jungkook added, “it is exciting that you’re around again.”
“real connections. . .” you muttered to yourself, remembering the contents of your grandpa’s letter.
the yelling got louder, as the partygoers chanted for seokjin to make a speech. “huh, what did you say?” jungkook shouted over the chanting.
“nothing!”
you weren’t prepared for the next part of grandpa’s wish for you. it was a surprise to you that you were able to ease into the town and become comfortable connecting with the people around you. at the end of the day, though, you had a farm to run and you were about to face the worst of it.
viii. the second storm
your grandpa’s last wishes for you were to reconnect with people and nature. nature. you didn’t realize what you were getting yourself into.
“oh my god! why does mother nature hate me?!”
the best thing about living in a big farmhouse by yourself was the fact that you could make as much noise as you wanted. you often found yourself yelling at the top of your lungs, shrieking like a bird when you came across anything frustrating. considering you were learning an entirely new job on your own, it happened quite often.
you screamed into the void after your first phone call with a vendor, who kept on asking you if you knew what you were doing. you swore you almost broke your vocal cords when you sunk into the mud the first time you checked out the fields after a rainy night. at least you walked away several metres from the coop before you screeched in agony after the chickens gave you a hard morning on time.
when a soft knock on your front door interrupted your emotional breakdown, your heart stopped.
“fuck!” you whispered to yourself.
who would be visiting you? what if it was someone important, like mayor kim? maybe they didn’t hear - no, they definitely heard.
you tentatively approached the door and took a deep breathe before swinging it open.
“i didn’t know you started tending to hyenas on the farm.”
it was jungkook with a lazy, shit-eating grin. it was early in the morning, about 8am, and he wore workout clothes. baggy grey sweatpants and a white nike tank-top, you felt like you were straining to keep your eyes on his face and not anywhere else.
“oh, shut it. good morning to you, too,” you shot back. “to what do i owe the pleasure?”
“sorry, i would’ve texted, but i was already passing by on my run,” jungkook said.
it’d been about a week since you last saw him, though he was nice enough to check in on you every once in a while to see if you were doing okay with the farm. you hardly left home, used to the same routine of working and going right to bed everyday from your old life and the habit was hard to break.
he continued, “anyway, i saw your windows hanging from outside and i just wanted to make sure - “
you opened the front door wider for him to see the state of your front entryway and his jaw dropped. there was water everywhere on the floor. the storm from the night before was aggressive and the age of the house couldn’t stand it. you didn’t anticipate for it to be this bad, having just shoved the windows closed before you went to bed.
“yeah, they’re wrecked,” you sighed, looking over to what was left of it, considering most of it was on the ground. “actually, that’s why i was screaming.”
“you know, i take what i said back. totally justified.”
“thanks,” you rolled your eyes and sighed. he made a gesture as if to come in and you obliged, carefully stepping aside and making sure you weren’t stepping in a puddle. “i’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.”
he let out a low whistle, as he walked inside and took in the sight of your floors. “honestly, me neither. you would think this would’ve happened already ages ago.”
you didn’t know what else to do but shrug. “i can handle it.” despite your words, you certainly could not handle it. there were still a million things you had to take care of around the farm and dealing with broken windows and water was an incredible burden that you didn’t know where to start.
“shit. look, i have to go to work in a bit, but let me help you out,” jungkook said.
you instantly shook your head. “jungkook, no. it’s fine, really, i got it.”
“you’ve never picked up a screwdriver in your life.”
“hey, you don’t know that!” you wanted to slap him upside the head like from when you were kids, but found the strength to refrain.
it was only jokes and jungkook’s smirk showed it, but his tone then became serious. “okay, then, at least let me help you fix your windows. dude, you live alone in this big ass house on this big ass farm. just say yes.”
at this point, you could tell he was exasperated with your stubborness and you laughed at it. you weren’t one to turn down someone offering to do manual labour for you, but you were hesitant to show any lack of indepdence. though, something told you to say yes and it wasn’t jungkook’s annoyance with your persistence.
“okay, fine. you’re real annoying, you know that?” you had to add in the last part, it was only natural.
he shook his head. “thank you - oh, how lucky i am for milady to accept my lousy, peasant self to fix your windows!” at that, you shoved him playfully and when he barely moved from your push, jungkook couldn’t help but chuckle.
“i know you’re perfectly capable of doing things yourself, by the way. you just shouldn’t have to all the time,” he gave you a pointed look.
you nodded slowly, looking down at your feet. “thank you, jungkook.”
though it was only 8 in the morning, you decided to take a later start in the day, since you usually woke up at the crack of dawn. you had your entire day ahead of you and what felt like a hundred things to do and the last thing you wanted to add was a trip to the hardware store.
“of course,” he carefully tiptoed around the water, moving back to the front door. “it’s what friends are for. i’ll come by tomorrow morning, how’s that sound?”
this is not what you meant when you decided to “reconnect with nature” at all. with your fluffy indoor slippers soaked in rainwater, you were certainly more than connected with it. you made a mental note to visit the beach and call it a day, hoping that would fulfill your grandpa’s wish for you to be one with mother earth and that the forces of nature would leave you alone after that.
𝐓𝐀𝐆 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓. @sstrongstyletyle @wobblewobble822 @seokoutt @firelcrds @taiwan0618
#jungkook fanfic#bts fanfic#jungkook imagine#bts au#jungkook x reader#jungkook x oc#jungkook x you#jungkook scenarios#jungkook angst#jungkook fluff#bts imagine#bts scenarios#bts series#jungkook au#*** / the farmhouse.
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nobody compares to you



chapter 11
pairing: ellie x reader
synopsis: you're in your junior year of college and at a party, you run into the girl who broke your heart: ellie williams. despite the time it took to reset your life, will you risk a broken heart again for her?
content warnings: modern college au, cursing, angst, descriptions of alcohol and underage drinking, mentions of homophobic slurs, descriptions of marijuana use, men being creepy in general, drama between exes, descriptions of an anxiety attack, mentions of nausea and vomiting, minors do not interact
word count: 10.2k
chapters: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen
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Freshman Year, Fall
You’d never been to a college party, much less a frat party. The extent of your knowledge was taught by cheesy and likely inaccurate movies where all the characters were all played by 30-year-olds pushing 40. But after the shit show that was your senior year of high school, you were looking forward to celebrating your newfound freedom through underage drinking and close-quartered gyrating.
Your roommate's name was Tara Maclay, a honey-blonde tomboy who wore baggy clothing and had a foul but amusing mouth. Your first few days involved polite conversation and awkward apologies when you’d accidentally invade the other’s personal space. However, after a late night of deep conversation, you’d discovered that you were both lesbians and felt a friendship click almost immediately.
During yet another freshman orientation, this time for your dorm held by your RAs in one of the lounges, you’d both befriended a few other girls who also resided in your building, Wilson Valley. The first you’d met was a girl named Astrid. She was tall, skinny, and had long black & blonde braids that swayed gracefully every time she moved. You couldn’t help but notice the way Tara eyed her, nudging her playfully to break her out of her slack-jawed loser lesbian stupor.
Astrid had greeted you both sweetly and introduced you to a couple more girls she’d already met: Sidney and Rebecca, who happened to live right in the same hall as you and Tara. Astrid mentioned she had a roommate as well, who couldn’t come to the meeting. You vaguely recalled she said her name was Dina.
After your RAs ended the meeting and dismissed the rest of the residents, your newfound group lingered in the lounge. You continued to chat lightly about nonsensical topics like new classes and room assignments and the campus until Rebecca mentioned a party being thrown the next night.
“My roommate Kristen mentioned that this frat is having a ‘Start of the Year’ party or something tomorrow!” She said, settling into one of the ratty couches. “Not sure if you guys would be interested in that, but I thought that would be cool to go to, even just for the experience.”
Tara grimaced before saying, “An excuse for asshole, predatory frat guys to prey on freshman girls?”
“Could maybe still be fun, though,” Astrid mused. “Nice excuse to get fucked up and all.”
“Well, I guess the free booze isn’t so bad.” Tara quickly said, changing her tune instantly. You chuckled quietly at her.
“What’s the frat?” You asked.
“Uhh,” Rebecca pondered for a moment. “I think… Sigma… something? I honestly don’t remember. I’ll ask Kristen later.”
“All of them just sound the same anyway,” Sidney shrugged, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the carpeted floor next to the couch. “I’m totally up for it if you guys go, though. Good way to be social. I don’t really have friends around here just yet.”
You turned towards her.
“We’re all your friends, so you do now.” You said, smiling at her.
Sidney returned your smile with a wide one of her own.
You’d already set out your desired outfit on your bed for the Sigma Eta party when you sat by your desk, applying your makeup. Behind you, Tara was clumsily rummaging through her clothes, cursing under her breath as she kept changing her mind about her party attire.
“What the fuck do you even wear to frat parties, dude?” She said, throwing yet another unfolded, creased shirt into her dresser.
“Honestly, I don’t really know. I’ve mostly gone to high school theatre cast parties, and I don’t think those really count as real parties.” You replied, lightly brushing a small spoolie through one of your eyebrows.
“Am I supposed to look fucking nice, or—?”
“Just be yourself!” You jokingly said.
Through your makeup mirror, you saw Tara give you an annoyed grimace in the reflection. You laughed.
“That’s stupid ass advice.” She groaned in frustration.
“Sorry!” You apologized in jest. “I mean, you’re not really there to attract guys. Don’t have to be all dressed up and all if you don’t want to be.”
“You’re getting all dressed the fuck up.” Tara pointed out, motioning towards your outfit on the bed.
“I just like looking nice,” You shrugged. “Just for myself, not really for anyone else. Like I said, you don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to. Unless there’s someone you’re trying to impress.”
“I mean, I didn’t say that…” She grumbled, almost indiscernible underneath her breath.
“Oh?” You said, momentarily pausing your makeup routine to turn towards her with an eyebrow raised. “Why? Is there a certain someone you wanna look good for?” You inquired.
Tara refused to meet your inquisitive eyes as she fidgeted with another shirt’s buttons between her hands.
“I knew it!” You laughed, pointing the makeup brush you held in your hand towards her. “You like Astrid!”
“No, I fucking do not!” Tara responded defensively.
“You have a crush on Astrid,” You said in a sing-song voice. “You have a crush on Astrid!”
“Shut the fuck up, dude!”
“You think she’s pretty, you want her to have your babies!” You continued to sing, cackling as you turned back to your desk to resume your eye makeup.
“I will physically fight you, you dick!” Tara warned noncommittally.
“Save all those kinky threats for your new girlfriend.” You chuckled as you effortlessly blended two shades of eyeshadow with one another.
“Ugh,” She groaned as she flopped down on her bed. “She’s so fucking straight though. Like, painfully fucking straight. Like, not just heterosexual. Barbie heterosexual.”
“First of all,” You said as you set down the makeup brush in your hand to grab your setting spray. “Barbie is so gay, so that point is useless.”
“Barbie is not fucking gay, man.” Tara argued.
“Barbie is a lesbian with comphet and Ken is her lavender marriage boyfriend,” You disagree, fanning your freshly sprayed face. “Secondly, Astrid is one hundred percent a dyke too.”
“Did you fucking see her, dude?”
“Yes, I did. I have eyes, Tara.”
“Yes, I do too.”
“But not a good enough gaydar though, it looks like.”
“What the fuck!”
“Trust me, Tara,” You said, turning towards her once more to look her straight in the eyes. “There is not a single straight bone in that girl’s body, I guarantee it. If you weren’t so busy checking her out before, you would have noticed it too. Might have even noticed that she was also checking you out.”
“Wait. Hold the fuck up, seriously?” Tara said, perking up for a second before suddenly looking nervous.
“Dude, this is no time to be a fucking pussy! She’s really pretty and seems to like you back. Just get to know her tonight!”
“You think she’s pretty?” She asked.
“I mean, yeah, of course. She is gorgeous.” You admit. “But you’re okay, I’m not competition. She’s not my type, trust me.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, kind of discovered after my last relationship that I’m more into like, masc and butch lesbians.”
“Oh?” Tara said intriguingly, abandoning her search for appropriate clothing to take a seat on her bed. “How do you mean exactly?”
“Well,” You said, twirling your eyeliner pen in between your fingers as you turned in your chair to face her again. “My ex-girlfriend was a little bit more feminine than masculine. And I mean, I guess I was attracted to her in different kinds of ways, but I think that I was drawn more to her personality than her looks.”
You sighed before continuing.
“Which, obviously, I think is very important, but I also believe that you’ve gotta be physically attracted to who you’re with too, you know? Not in a shallow way or anything. But I don’t think I really ever felt that click with her, even at the start. It was just another unrealistic expectation I had of her that ultimately cemented the end of our relationship.”
Tara hummed in understanding.
“So why masculine lesbians, then? I’m just curious as someone who presents more as masculine but who tends to like more feminine girls.” She asked.
You pondered her question for a few moments, considering your response.
“There’s just… I don’t know, there’s just something so bold and alluring about a woman who completely rejects femininity in every possible way. We’re all expected to fill that role of being gentle and ladylike, and I think it’s just so attractive when a girl openly says ‘fuck you’ to that and presents the way she actually wants to, not the way the rest of the world expects of her. I love it when women are exclusively masculine, almost like they’re showing men how it’s supposed to be done. I think it’s just so hot and charming and sexy.”
“Ooh, so you think I’m sexy and shit?” Tara teases, wiggling her eyebrows at you as you conclude your mini-speech.
“No, you’re way too much of a loser lesbian who can’t even tell the difference between a straight girl and a femme lesbian.”
“Hey, not too fucking much now!” Tara said indignantly.
You laughed loudly before going back to applying your winged eyeliner.
A few moments later, you heard a knock followed by Astrid, Rebecca, and her roommate Kristen after you shouted that your door was unlocked. Kristen, a short and perky girl with her dirty blonde hair up in two long pigtails, introduced herself and said that her friend Mina was also tagging along later on, in addition to two other people she didn’t mention.
It was incredibly amusing to you how red and flustered Tara became as a result of Astrid’s sudden appearance. You even felt a little bit giddy yourself when Astrid graciously offered to help pick out an outfit for Tara to wear for tonight’s party.
It wasn’t long after the three girls arrived that Sidney joined the rest of your group, having done herself up a bit as well in a short, pink dress and pieces of curly hair styled to fall from her space buns. You all enthusiastically complimented her and hyped her up, to which she blushed.
You were the last one to finish getting ready, the rest of your new friends every now and again watching you finish your makeup routine as they all chatted animatedly. They all gawked in awe at the way you’d artistically dolled up your face, Kristen commenting that Michaelangelo couldn’t have painted colours the way you did your eyeshadow (to which you humourously and geekily remark that he was more of a sculptor than a painter). The girls all loudly squealed at how expertly you applied your fake eyelashes within mere seconds, you chuckling to yourself at how easily amused they seemed to be.
As all the girls began to pre-game with a bottle of Bacardi spiced rum Kristen had brought, you threw on the rest of your outfit: a long-sleeved, lacy and see-through white top with a black bra underneath, a black mini-skirt with side pockets, and your favourite knee-high black boots. You joined in the drinking festivities before Astrid checked the time and her messages then suggested you all head out to meet Kristen’s friend Mina and head towards the Sigma Eta party.
You all squeezed into a rickety, old elevator located in the middle of the hallway and headed down to the first floor of your building. As the elevator doors opened up to the lobby, Kristen broke off from the rest of the group when she spotted another girl waiting with two guys by the front doors. Kristen squealed happily and gave her a tight hug before introducing her friend to the rest of you.
Mina was a girl with short kinky blonde hair that reached just above her shoulders. She wore a white halter top with dark blue jeans accompanied by black pumps. To her left was a short, brown-haired guy with a plain, blue button-down and a pair of salmon-coloured shorts; to her right was a tall, dark-haired boy wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans.
“Good evening, fellow freshman cuties,” Mina said before gesturing to her hand to her own company, introducing them respectively. “This is Fred, and this is Jesse.”
The two boys smiled and nodded in greeting.
“Mina’s brother actually used to be in the fraternity that’s throwing the party we’re going to tonight before he graduated last year.” Kristen explained to your group.
“Yeah, Fred here is a friend of my brother’s. He was the one who told me about the party.” Mina added.
“Oh, that was really nice of you.” Astrid said, giving Fred a polite smile. He smiled back, not before eyeing her keenly up and down.
“Thought I’d introduce Mina to college life the proper way.” Fred replied cockily, patting Mina hard on the back in a brotherly fashion. Mina rolled her eyes.
“Let’s head out, chicas!” Kristen announced, beckoning your large group towards and out the front doors.
The trip to the Sigma Eta frat house wasn’t very long, but it felt like it to you at the beginning. Tara had broken off from your side when she was able to garner enough courage and nervously converse with Astrid, who was chatting back animatedly while ignoring Fred’s futile attempts to flirt with her. Kristen and Mina were enthusiastically catching up with each other, and Rebecca, who noticed Sidney’s shy and reserved demeanour, began kindly engaging her in a conversation to help her open up and get to know her. This left you to yourself for a while.
You were excited to be branching out socially and making friends, but it was difficult not to feel like you were out of your league in this rather abundant group of acquaintances. Being accustomed to smaller circles of friends and having gone through a recent ordeal with former friends, you weren’t quite sure how to politely insert yourself without seeming like a burden or nuisance.
The other guy Mina had brought along, Jesse, seemed to notice your silent predicament. He was a tall, muscular Asian man who had jet-black hair and kind eyes. You and your friends were approaching a nearby bus stop when he first spoke to you.
“So, this is your first real party, huh?”
You almost jumped, surprised that someone was speaking to you.
“Oh! Umm, yeah,” You responded sheepishly. “Is it really that obvious?”
“A little, but it’s alright,” He chuckled. “I’m Jesse, by the way. What was your name again?”
You smiled meekly as you introduced yourself.
“I’ll be sure to remember that.” He said with a friendly, assuring grin.
You weren’t sure what it was about this guy Jesse, what it was about him that made you like him instinctively. Men generally made you feel uncomfortable, and you almost never had any guy friends. But something in your gut was telling you that he was genuine, someone you could trust.
“So do you go to these kinds of frat parties a lot?” You asked in an attempt to be social.
“Sometimes,” Jesse replied. “Don’t really like this specific frat we’re going to, but I’m supposed to be helping this friend of mine link up with some guy who’ll be there. Do you smoke pot?”
“Why do you ask? Are you a cop?” You joked.
“Oh, absolutely. That is precisely why I am tagging along with a bunch of underage freshmen to a booze-filled shitty, frat party as someone who is also currently underage.” He chuckled.
You smiled at him.
“Yeah, I smoke,” You eventually replied. “I don’t really have a solid plug out here just yet though.”
“Well, my friend is a dealer and the guy we’re meeting up with tonight actually grows nearby, so we’re gonna see if my friend can work with him. She needs to procure some more fresh ‘merchandise’ or whatever.” He said, making air quotes upon saying the word ‘merchandise.’ “If you’re looking for a regular plug, I can introduce you to her later.”
“That’d be perfect, honestly,” You replied. “Don’t know how I’ll be able to get through freshman year of college without the influence of drugs.”
“Trust me, I get it,” Jesse said. “I had to make do with second-rate dealers as a freshman last year ‘cause my old dealer back home is obviously far away. Everyone around here either charges way too much or their shit is completely dry and weak.”
“Damn,” You replied. “But you think your friend’s got better connections?”
“Well, we’re going to see. But she’s real great about finding good strains and shit. Hopefully, things work out tonight.”
“I hope so too. I don’t wanna try and find another dealer out here, and then it turns out they’re creepy or something. And I trust you and your faith in your friend.”
“Yeah?” Jesse said curiously. “That’s very nice of you.”
You shrugged and gave him a warm smile.
The rest of the trip to the Sigma Eta house was much more enjoyable now that you seemed to find a friend in Jesse. You clicked instantly with him: discussing where you were both from, what your majors were, what there was to do around and outside of the campus. He even gave you tips on how to navigate college as a freshman, having gone through it himself already the previous year. It comforted you that this person you’d just met already seemed adamant about looking out for you in a friendly, platonic manner.
As your group walked down the sidewalk that led to multiple houses where other college students resided, you spotted bright, strobing lights coming from a house towards the end of the street. The sounds of loud party music and boisterous chatter grew louder the further down you ventured. You finally came up to a house where several cars were haphazardly and crookedly parked out front and an assortment of other college kids loitered around the porch, most holding red solo cups filled to the brim.
Before you all stepped foot onto the front porch of the house, Astrid suddenly stopped and turned around to face the whole group.
“Hey, can we take a quick pic of all of us attending our first-ever college party? I wanna capture the memory of getting fucked up with my new dorm besties!” She gushed excitedly.
“You know, this actually isn’t my first college party.” Kristen chuckled, but Mina nudged her in the ribs.
“You know what she means, you killjoy. Come on, let’s all take a selfie!”
All the girls gathered together and began to link arms or embrace each other around the waist or drape their arms over each other’s shoulders. You turned towards Jesse, who was texting rapidly on his phone.
“So, selfie time?” You asked him.
“Nah, you guys go ahead. I think I’m gonna go find my friend inside ‘cause I’m pretty sure she’s here already. Plus I don’t wanna get in the way of you and your friends.”
“You’re my friend too,” You asserted boldly. “Come here and get in the picture with us, new friend.”
Jesse flashed you a warm smile and relented without any further argument.
Astrid held up her phone at a 45-degree angle towards the starry, night sky, angling it so she could get the whole group in the frame (except for Fred, whom she made very little effort to include in the picture, him standing at the edge of the group and desperately trying to have his face captured as well). You and Jesse stood right next to each other, and you allowed yourself to put a hand behind his back in an almost half-hug. You let out a partly genuine smile as Astrid said “Cheese!” and snapped a few photos of your group. After she sent the pictures to you and the rest of the girls in a mass group text (which she then promptly named “Wilson Crew ❤️🔥” after the dorm you were all living in), you and your new friends finally ventured into the Sigma Eta frat house.
The deafening noise of terrible EDM and the smell of sweat that filled the thick air was almost enough to make you regret coming out. But the rest of your group tittered in anticipation, so you feigned excitement as you all ventured further into the house.
You entered the dining room where a long, wooden table had been turned into a small, makeshift beer-pong court. There were several people gathered around it, whether as spectators or players. You watched as a girl in a ponytail whooped after she effortlessly bounced a ping-pong ball onto the table and into a red solo cup on her opponent’s side. Several bystanders cheered in response as a frat guy on the other side of the table cursed in jest and promptly chugged from the cup.
“Dina!” Astrid mused excitedly, approaching the girl. She gave her a tight hug, which the girl named Dina affectionately returned.
Dina was an incredibly pretty girl with tan skin and black, wavy hair. Beneath thick, dark eyebrows were a pair of beautiful brown eyes that looked extremely warm and welcoming. Being Astrid’s roommate, it’d have been an obvious guess that she was a freshman too like the rest of you. But she exuded this air of boldness and spunk that made it seem like she was a vetted college student. You noticed that several onlookers, mostly men, had been eyeing her shiftily and curiously.
“I thought you said you weren’t coming!” Astrid scolded her playfully.
“Well, I honestly wasn’t, but a friend of mine had been trying to persuade me to come and—” Dina began before breaking off suddenly.
Her eyes had wandered towards your group of friends and fell on Jesse who was standing right next to you. The wide smile on her face faltered as her animated expression turned into one of shocked recognition. You turned towards Jesse who had suddenly gone rigid and stone-faced. You looked back at the girl Dina who blinked back to reality and began to stutter.
“I-I’m g-gonna catch up with you later, okay?” She said to Astrid before making her way towards the back of the house.
“Ah, shit,” You heard Jesse mutter under his breath. “Goddamn it.”
“You know her?” You questioned him.
“That… was my ex-girlfriend Dina. Childhood and high school sweetheart.” He explained.
“Oh, shit.” You uttered.
“Hey, I’m… I’m gonna be right back, okay?��� He said to you before quickly heading towards the direction that Dina had gone in.
You watched as he left you behind with your friends who began to gossip amongst themselves curiously about the exchange that had just occurred.
You’d been standing in the kitchen by yourself for the past five minutes, attempting to finish a drink in your hand that you’d reluctantly poured from an orange cooler on the counter. After they’d downed a couple of shots, the rest of the girls had tried to convince you to come to the basement where the dancing was primarily taking place. You declined and said that you needed a minute or two, promising you’d find them later. Though it was still relatively early in the evening, you were already feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated. You’d been faking plenty of smiles and forcing tight-lipped laughter all night; it was getting more tiring to feign excitement, especially now that the new friend you’d made tonight had not made a reappearance since quickly running after his ex-girlfriend.
Sighing, you refilled your red solo cup with the same unknown alcoholic contents from the cooler. You weren’t particularly enjoying the drink, completely confused as to what it was in the first place, but it was at least giving you something to do. As you continued to sip from your cup, you decided to venture towards the backyard where you figured Jesse had walked off.
Squinting past the darkness illuminated by the moonlight and the strobing lights peeking through the house’s windows, you scanned the numerous figures occupying the grassy lawn. You eventually spotted Jesse’s tall, dark silhouette after a minute or two, seeing that he was in a seemingly heated discussion with the pretty girl Dina. Deciding that this was a lover’s quarrel that you probably shouldn’t get in between, you find your tired, aching feet take you back inside the house.
You felt the temperature change back from brisk chilliness to throbbing heat from the pheromones in the musky air. Unsure of where to go, you walked back to the kitchen where you found a couple pressed up against each other in the spot you previously occupied. You grimaced at their pre-coital positioning and how they seemed to be swallowing each other’s faces before retreating from the room. Having no interest in watching the new round of beer-pong that several people had started again in the dining room, you settled for finding sanctuary elsewhere.
Finding an empty spot on a wall in the living room, you leaned up against it and took a generous sip from your cup. Though you didn’t have high expectations beforehand, the night was still going quite poorly. You cursed yourself silently for not having a sufficient social battery to socialize with your friends at the party nor enough courage to endure your overwhelming surroundings. You were contemplating whether you should rejoin the group after all in their close-quartered gyrating in the basement when you suddenly felt an invisible pull from across the room that called to you and compelled your head to instinctively turn in its direction.
Your eyes simultaneously met a pair of ocean green ones. The sounds of terrible music and overlapping chitchat immediately vanished when you saw her. You watched as her eyes scanned your face just as you scanned hers. The handsome stranger began to look you up and down before the left corner of her lips turned up in a crooked smile. Your cheeks burned in bashfulness and you tore your eyes away from her to stare at the ground and take another sip from your drink.
You felt your throat close up, your breathing hitch, and your entire body going up in flames. It felt as if someone had shot you through the chest with an arrow, aiming for and perfectly hitting where your heart was located. You felt utterly bare and naked in front of all these strangers, suddenly prey to a strange emotion that felt completely foreign to you. It was intoxicating, like you were completely wonderstruck within seconds of being in this stranger’s presence.
When you eventually felt her eyes wander elsewhere, you dared glance at her once more. She was incredibly handsome: her auburn hair partly tied up in a bun, cheeks adorned with freckles as if an angel had hand-painted them itself, broad shoulders that suggested a muscular frame underneath an old, brown motorcycle jacket she was wearing. She was sitting on this ratty old couch, manspreading in the middle as she noncommittally nodded at the people standing beside her. Her slender, long fingers were expertly wrapping a few rolling papers on the table in front of her. As she brought a joint up to her lips to lick it closed, her eyes flicked up once again to look at you. Embarrassed that you were caught shamelessly staring, you quickly focused your gaze in a different direction. From the corner of your eyes, you could see her chuckling.
The girl muttered something to her nearby companions before making her way across the room to you. Your drumming heartbeat echoed each of her steps, getting louder and louder in your chest the closer she got. You didn’t allow yourself to look her way again until she was right in front of you.
“Hey.” She said, voice rough and husky.
“Hi.” You responded, trying not to sound too flustered over this extremely attractive stranger approaching you to engage in conversation.
“You all alone tonight?” She asked.
“Not exactly,” You responded truthfully. “My friends are around here somewhere.”
“Oh?” She said, cocking her head slightly to the side as she crossed her arms.
“Yeah. I think downstairs, humping and gyrating with everyone else.” You joked.
She chuckled.
“Not your type of thing?”
“Not really,” You said. “I wasn’t in the mood tonight to get felt up by some horny frat guy trying to shove his limp-dick boner up against my ass.”
The girl let out a genuine laugh accompanied by a toothy grin.
“You’re funny.” She commented. You returned her smile with one of your own.
“Wanna come sit on the couch?” She asked. “You honestly look like you’re about to collapse at any second.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t really the best idea to wear a really nice pair of high heels to some crappy fraternity party.”
“Well, hey, they look good on you, so not a total loss.”
“Yeah?” You questioned, lifting an eyebrow.
“Yeah,” She smirked. “Anyway, come sit with me on this ugly ass couch. I promise I won’t try to shove my dick up your ass or anything.”
“Aww, you’re not? I was going to say yes, but if you’re not gonna shove your dick up my ass...” You teased boldly.
Even under the dim lights of the party, you thought you saw traces of pink appear underneath her freckles as she smiled. You felt your own cheeks burning.
“Come on, pretty girl.” She chuckled, leading you towards the sofa.
She sat back down in the middle but didn’t manspread this time to make room for you to sit comfortably next to her. Her body faced towards your direction, indicating to her companions that she was disinterested in any further conversation with them. Both your hands gripped onto your red solo cup tightly like it was your life-saving anchor. Your body tensed up from being so close to this handsome stranger whose name you didn’t even know yet.
Almost as if she read your mind, she introduced herself.
“I’m Ellie.”
You smiled nervously as you gave her your name.
“So,” She began. “You a freshman too, huh?”
“Yeah,” You hummed. “First ever college party.”
“Oh?” She said, reaching for one of her joints on the table.
“Mhmm,” You respond. “Not really as exciting as people have been making it out to be.”
“What, you’re not impressed by the repulsive smell of jungle juice and shitty trap music and the giant, sweaty orgy going on in the basement?”
“Eww,” You giggled, scrunching up your nose in disgust. “No, I wouldn’t really say that I’m impressed, exactly.”
Ellie chuckled before offering you the joint she was holding.
“You smoke?”
“Yeah, I do. But are you sure? I don’t wanna waste your weed.”
“I never mind smoking out pretty girls for free every now and again.” Ellie shrugged.
You ignored the way your heart fluttered as you placed your cup down and took the joint from her. You ignored the sudden, electric spark when you felt her skin brush against yours. You ignored how her own breathing seemed to hitch at that same moment before she pulled away from you to grab her lighter from a front pocket of her motorcycle jacket.
You placed the joint in between your lips, trying not to think about the fact that Ellie’d just sealed it a minute or two ago with her tongue. Ellie cupped her left hand around the tip while her right hand flicked on the lighter. Your eyes wandered from the budding flame to her eyes, which were already watching you. Her stare caught you off-guard that you almost forgot to inhale. You leaned away from her, both to blow the smoke in a different direction and to nervously catch your breath from how intimately close she was to you.
“So?” She inquired, reclining back and throwing her arm behind you on the back of the couch.
“Mm?” You hummed in question as you took another puff of the joint.
“How do you like the j?”
“Hmm,” You say after releasing another breath of smoke. “It’s… fine.”
“Just fine?” She asked, looking playfully offended.
“What!” You said, giggling and handing her back the joint. “It’s just a regular, old j! What else would you like me to say?”
“What, do you smoke some fancy ass weed with gold and diamonds and shit where you’re from?” Ellie chuckled.
“Sorry! I guess I’m just used to something very particular.”
“Oh, yeah?” She asked, cocking up an eyebrow, the one that you’d noticed had a slit right through it. “What do you mean by that exactly?”
“I usually lace my own js with lavender buds,” You explained. “Makes it taste better, in my opinion, and it helps me relax.”
“Really? Lavender, huh? I’ve never heard of someone doing that before.”
“A little trick I learned from an ex-girlfriend.” You clarified, pretending that you didn’t throw in that last word on purpose.
“That so?” She replied. You could have sworn that she had moved slightly closer the moment you mentioned having an ex-girlfriend.
“Mhmm. Lavender’s my favourite, but I’ve tried lacing them with other herbs and plants too.”
“Yeah? Like what?”
“I’ve done rose petals and passionflowers before. Gives them a much better flavour. Sage is good too if you wanna destress and all. And apparently, hibiscus and jasmine are, well…” Your sentence is cut short by a slightly drunken giggle emerging from your lips.
“Are what?” Ellie prompted you.
“Umm, they’re good too.”
“Good for what, exactly?”
You handed the joint back to her before responding.
“I heard that they’re supposedly good aphrodisiacs.” You nearly whispered.
Ellie smiled slyly, taking the joint back without breaking eye contact.
“Interesting” is all she says before taking a huge puff.
Whether it was the mysterious alcohol finally kicking in or the sudden presence of marijuana in your system, you felt a surge of sudden confidence flood your senses. You wanted to impress this strange girl, you wanted her to like you. And yet somehow, it feels almost as if you’d already met before.
“By the way,” Ellie began. “I really love your eye makeup. You did it yourself?”
“Thanks,” You smiled. “Yeah, I did.”
“That’s seriously fucking impressive. I’ve never been into makeup and girly shit like that, but I know it must take a fuck ton of talent to do it.”
“Nah,” You waved off before picking up your red solo cup from the table and drinking from it. “It’s really not that hard to learn. I taught myself how to do it for the most part.”
“That’s even more fucking impressive.” She stated simply. You gave her a sheepish smile before uttering another quiet thanks.
Before either of you could speak again, the guy leaning against the arm of the couch next to Ellie turned towards her.
“Yo, Williams, Chang here yet?” He asked.
“Really don’t know, man. He said he would be.”
“Damn. Call him or something.”
“Call him yourself. I’m not his mother.”
The guy tsked in irritation before returning to a conversation with his companions.
“Nice friends you got there.” You said out loud without thinking.
“We just got a mutual friend in common, that’s all,” Ellie replied, shrugging and taking another puff. “My best friend knows like, half the people who go to this school.”
You nodded in acknowledgement as she continued.
“Most people are usually disappointed that I’m not as nice as him.”
“You’re not?”
“Nah, apparently I’m ‘antagonistic’ and ‘mean’ and just really fucking rude.” She chuckled.
“Doesn’t seem like that to me.” You commented.
“Well, we just met,” She smirked. “Just wait a little while.”
“What, are you planning on being really mean to me in the future, Ellie?” You quipped.
She shrugged and you chuckled.
Both immensely absorbed in your engaging and private conversation, you weren’t quite sure exactly how long you and Ellie were sitting in that dirty living room on that ratty, old couch. You talked about the classes and professors you had in common, bonded over your shared love of music and the instruments you both played, laughed at all of the dumb and silly jokes she made.
At one point in the night, Tara emerged from the basement, all buzzed and sweaty. She scanned the living room, having been worried that she nor none of the rest of your friends had seen you since you’d all first arrived at the house. Upon spotting you sitting so intimately to Ellie, her whispering something in your ear and you boisterously laughing, Tara smiled and retreated back to the basement.
Ellie was beginning to tell you about her hometown when your conversation was suddenly interrupted by a familiar voice.
“Hey, yo, El!” You heard Jesse say from behind you.
You turned around to see a jovial expression on his face that didn’t quite meet his serious eyes. He was smiling in greeting, but it seemed like whatever occurred in the private conversation he had with the girl Dina rattled him in some way.
“Yo, Jess,” Ellie said, waving him over. “Been wondering where the fuck your ass has been this whole time, man.”
“Ahh, well, I kind of… got detained by D…” He admitted as he approached the couch before spotting you sitting next to Ellie. “Oh, shit! You guys know each other?”
“What, you don’t know that we’re lifelong best friends?” Ellie said, winking at you. You turned away as you bit your lip, attempting to hide the smile on your face and the heat rising to your cheeks.
“Now, hang on, I thought we were lifelong best friends?” Jesse gasped playfully, putting one hand on his hip and gesturing between you and him mockingly.
“Sorry dude, I claimed her already.” Ellie said, smirking.
You tried to ignore Jesse’s mumble of “greedy whore” towards Ellie in between loud, fake coughs.
“Anyway, you saw D? Are you okay?” Ellie said, her tone more serious now.
“I mean, I guess,” Jesse sighed. “Thought she wasn’t tagging along tonight, but I guess she did.”
“Sorry, man, I really thought you knew.”
“It’s cool. I was gonna end up seeing her at some point. Might wanna check up on her, though.”
“She okay?”
“I think so, but you know how she can be.”
“Where’d she run off to know?”
“I think she said that she was gonna go hang out with her roommate or something for the rest of the night.”
“I’ll text her, see where she is.”
“Oh, umm,” You said, awkwardly speaking up. “My friend Astrid is her roommate, so I think your friend Dina went downstairs to the basement.”
Both Ellie and Jesse looked slightly taken aback at your short degree of separation.
“Sorry,” You apologized as you looked down at your hands in embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to insert myself.”
“Hey,” Ellie assured, nudging your shoulder with hers. “Didn’t I just say that we’re lifelong best friends?”
You looked up at her and smiled with appreciation at her thoughtfulness.
Ellie, realizing they’d been leaving you out of their conversation, quickly filled in the blanks.
“Our other lifelong best friend Dina got dumped by this asshole joker right here a little while back. It was a bit of a messy break-up.”
“I haven’t always been the smooth and suave man that you see before you today.” Jesse quipped.
“Never have been, dumbass.” Ellie added. Jesse gave her a scowl, which she mockingly returned.
“Anyway,” She continued. “Now I’ve been stuck being the middle man for the past year or so ‘cause these two clowns don’t know how to talk about their motherfucking feelings.”
You chuckled at Ellie’s choice of words.
“I’m sure she’s okay if she’s with your friend, though. This Astrid girl nice?” Ellie inquired.
“Oh, she’s the absolute sweetest.” You affirmed.
“Well, I trust your judgment. I’ll give her some time and check up on her after.” Ellie concluded, giving you a half-smile.
It was so curious how these people you’d known only for a few hours seemed to somehow trust you so intimately and almost blindly. Besides your cousin Rafael who’s known you since birth, you’d never clicked so well with anyone else in your life. You felt a quiet warmth in your chest, feeling as if you had been soulmates with these people in a past life.
“Might as well,” Jesse said, looking down at his buzzing phone. “Eugene’s contact said he’s here. He’s out back if you still wanna talk to him.”
You suddenly felt naive, not realizing sooner that Ellie was the dealer friend Jesse had been talking to you about earlier in the evening. Her previous rolling of papers and multiple joints should have been a dead giveaway, but you were far too mesmerized by Ellie and her charm and her ocean green eyes to give much notice to your current surroundings.
“Ah, shit, I totally forgot,” Ellie cursed.
She looked at you.
“Umm, do you wanna come with? It’ll probably be boring as shit, but—”
“No, no, it’s okay,” You said, waving her off. “It sounds pretty important. Jesse was telling me earlier that you needed to meet up with him.”
Ellie turned towards him, an annoyed look on her face.
“Now, why are you going around telling my business to everyone?” She asked him.
“It’s fun.” Jesse joked. Ellie rolled her eyes.
“If, uh, you wanna stick around, this probably won’t take long. I’ll see you after?” She said guiltily. You gave her a soft smile.
“Ellie, please go ahead. I’m a big girl; I can be left alone for two seconds.”
She chuckled at your words as she stood up from her seat next to you, not before brushing her hand and her knee against yours. You wondered silently if she did so by accident.
“See you in a bit, pretty girl.” Ellie said, winking at you.
You watched as she and Jesse walked off towards the backyard of the house. Once they were out of sight, you sighed quietly.
You realized that you were all alone tonight once again, this time through no fault of your own. Not knowing what else to do, you leaned back into the sagging sofa and pulled out your phone from a pocket of your skirt. As you waited for your companions to return, you scrolled mindlessly through different social media outlets for a while until your entertainment was exhausted and eventually settled on Instagram. After a couple of minutes of looking through your friends’ stories and posts, sending likes and comments every now and again, you see something that suddenly makes your stomach drop.
Still not fully over the results of the disastrous break-up with your high school ex-girlfriend, you hadn’t unfollowed or blocked her on social media just yet. You realized in the moment what a grave mistake that was when you came across a post with several photos of her and all your former friends at some party with a couple of unknown people included. Hot tears formed in your eyes when, while swiping through the many images, you encountered one picture with your ex-girlfriend’s arms wrapped around a strange girl you didn’t recognize. Their physical intimacy and stances suggested something more than just friendship.
You suddenly felt the urge to throw up and you immediately rose from your seat in search of a nearby bathroom. Eventually, you came across a small one towards the front of the house and wrenched it open, feeling lucky that it was presently unoccupied. Leaning over the grimy sink, the feeling of nausea subdued from what you figured was a result of separating yourself from the overstimulation of the party. Still, your hands and neck felt clammy. You felt as if you couldn’t breathe, no matter how hard you inhaled and exhaled.
You raised your head up to look at yourself in the murky mirror. Thick tears threatened to fall from the corners of your eyes. Pieces of hair stuck to your forehead with nervous sweat. Lips were trembling and shakingly releasing laboured breaths.
Leaving your past behind was not as simple as you believed it could be. The past several months had been a personal hell for you, having been abandoned to be lonely and companionless by people you loved. After a messy break-up with someone who suddenly broke your heart, a result of two young, dumb kids attempting to be much more mature than they actually were, your entire friend group ended up choosing her in the aftermath. It left you completely grief-stricken and betrayed, not expecting the people you believed cared for you to cast you aside so quickly and easily.
You’d spent the entire summer after graduating high school healing and recovering from such a loss, and you’d genuinely believed that you came to your new school fully mended. But as you stood in front of a fogged-up mirror in a dingy frat house bathroom, it seemed as if you hadn’t fully overcome your emotional wounds like you thought.
You were dabbing the soggy sweat off your moist forehead when someone suddenly knocked on the bathroom door, causing you to jump.
“Oh, umm, someone’s in here!” You quickly exclaimed. The sound of the same voice you’d been listening to all evening calling out your name from behind the door had you grip the edges of the sink and freeze in place.
“Y-yeah?” You asked falteringly.
“Hey, uhh, i-it’s Ellie.”
“Oh!” You said in surprise. “Hi! Umm, I-I’ll be out in a minute!”
“Hey, uhh, are you okay?” Ellie said after a beat or two.
“Y-yeah, I’m fine!” You cried out unconvincingly.
“Can… can I come in?” She asked hesitantly.
“Oh! Umm—”
“It’s okay if you don’t want me to! If you need space—”
“No, no!” You interrupted.
You took a deep breath, threw out the damp tissue you still held in your hand, and carefully opened the door to reveal Ellie with a concerned look on her face.
“It’s a bit of a tight fit, but, uhh…” You said, stepping aside to let her in.
You backed up to make space for her and sat on the edge of the shabby-looking tub as Ellie closed the bathroom door behind her before leaning her back against it.
“How’d you know where to find me?” You inquired.
“Someone saw you come in here.” She explained.
“Oh” was all you could say in return.
There were several moments of complete silence, neither of you knowing how to start or what to say. It was you who eventually broke it out of nervousness.
“So, umm, how did it go with that guy you were talking to?” You asked awkwardly.
“Oh, uhh, good. At least, I think so. Gave me a pretty good deal and all.” Ellie replied.
You nodded in response.
“So, hey, uhh, if you need a new plug out here…” She pointed a pair of finger guns at you, to which you half-heartedly chuckled.
“Sorry,” She apologized. “I’m not really as smooth as I would like to think.”
“Don’t worry, I still think you’re plenty charming. Dorky, but charming.” You gave her a soft, affectionate smile that she returned as you saw her turn slightly pink underneath her numerous freckles.
“So, uhh, are you okay? I don’t mean to pry or anything, and you don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to—” She began to ramble.
“Ellie,” You said, chuckling. “It’s alright. I don’t mind, and you’re not prying.”
She let out a quiet sigh of relief.
“Just a bunch of bullshit in regards to my ex,” You explained. “Thought I was past it all, but…”
Ellie nodded in understanding.
“Still not over her?”
“Oh, god, no, no, I’m completely over her,” You clarified quickly. “But dealing with the outcome of it all… isn’t necessarily fun.”
“Yeah,” Ellie agreed. “I completely get it.”
You looked up at her with an expression of gratitude.
“Man, this lesbian shit is real fucking messy and complicated, huh?” She quipped in an attempt to lighten the mood. You couldn’t help but giggle at her joke.
“How’d you know that I wasn’t okay?” You asked her after a beat or two.
“The people I was with earlier said that the pretty girl I was talking to suddenly looked stressed and ran to the bathroom.” Ellie explained, shrugging. You attempted to hide your bashful smile as you felt your cheeks go hot again.
“Wanna get out of this disgusting bathroom and go smoke some more?” She asked.
You and Ellie were passing another joint back and forth again several feet away from the Sigma Eta frat house. You’d both taken shelter underneath a nearby tree, listening to the muffled bass drops of yet another bad EDM song currently playing from the frat house. The weed was calming your nerves down slightly, but you had a gut feeling that it was Ellie’s presence that was the actual cause of your peace of mind.
“Damn, I really wanna try your lavender-laced trick now.” Ellie said after taking a hit of the joint.
“I mean, it’s not really my trick. It was my ex’s idea.” You chuckled dryly as you watched her blow the smoke up towards the night sky.
“Oh, fuck that shit. I don’t know her and I know you, so it’s your recipe.” She disagreed. You laughed graciously at her argument.
“Can I ask what happened?” Ellie began, handing the joint to you. “Like, did the bitch suddenly call or text you, or…”
“Nah,” You said after a puff. “She posted something on Instagram and, I don’t know, I guess seeing evidence of her existence triggered something in me.”
“Wait, you don’t have her blocked?”
“No…” You admitted sheepishly. “I still follow her and everything…”
“What!!” Ellie exclaimed. “Why?!”
“I don’t know!” You laughed at her immediate indignation. “I just could never get myself to actually do it!”
“Alright, no more free weed for you!” Ellie proclaimed, swiftly snatching the joint out of your fingertips.
“Noooo!” You whined.
“You’re on a time-out for still keeping your stupid ex-girlfriend in your life in some kind of way!”
“Look, I like to lurk sometimes! I can’t do that if I have her blocked!” You protested, attempting to take the joint back from her.
“Oh, now you’re definitely not getting any more free weed!” Ellie said, holding the joint up and away from your reach.
“How else am I supposed to be a miserable, pathetic lesbian who needs to be sad and tragic if you don’t let me!!” You said, giving up and crossing your arms over your chest in a huff.
“Pretty girls like you should be spending their freshman year in college in their drunken whore eras, not in an ‘I’m gonna sulk over my worthless ex the whole time’ era!”
“Ugh. Yeah, I know, I know,” You sighed. “But that all sounds like so much work!”
“Alright, give me your phone.” Ellie said suddenly.
“What?” You asked, surprised. “Why?”
“Just give me!” She insisted, holding her free hand out.
You pulled out your phone from one of your skirt’s pockets and handed it over to her, eyeing her suspiciously.
“What are you up to, Ellie?” You inquired of her.
“Just hold this!” She replied, handing you the joint. “But no smoking!”
“Yes, sir!” You said with a salute before taking a quick puff.
Ellie rolled her eyes, chuckled, and had you unlock your phone before taking it back to open up your Instagram.
“Okay, what’s your ex’s name?”
“... why?” You asked skeptically.
“Just trust me!”
You squinted your eyes at her before reluctantly giving her your ex’s name and Instagram handle. As you took a generous hit of the joint, you leaned over and watched as Ellie went to your ex’s profile and blocked her.
“Ellie!!” You protested.
“This is for your own good!” She exclaimed.
“Oh god,” You laughed. “Yeah, yeah, maybe.”
“Definitely.” She asserted before typing another handle into your Instagram search bar.
“What are you doing now?” You asked dubiously.
“Replacing your ex with a hotter, much cooler person.” She explained simply before handing your phone back and taking the joint out of your hand.
You looked at your screen to see Ellie’s Instagram profile and realized she’d followed herself through your account.
“Wow. Dinosaur nerd, huh?” You said, noticing one of her posts was of her posing geekily next to a dinosaur skeleton display in some museum.
“Shut up.” She chuckled before hitting the joint.
“Well, are you gonna follow me back?” You asked.
“I don’t know, I don’t really know you that well.” Ellie shrugged.
“You dick!” You scoffed, to which she laughed. “What happened to us being lifelong best friends?”
“Calm down, calm down,” She chuckled, holding the joint between her teeth and already pulling out her phone. “Bossy.”
You felt your phone buzz with a new notification from Instagram.
“There you go,” She said, putting her phone back in her pocket. “Now we’re official lifelong besties.”
You laughed. Your affection for this incredibly handsome and charming girl that you had just met tonight was growing more and more by the second. Every time she laughed at a joke you’d make or stared at your lips a little too long or brushed her skin against yours, you wondered if you were imagining it or if she had been feeling the same spark too.
“Hey, umm,” You began. “Thank you for that.”
“Don’t have to thank me. I’m sure you would have done it eventually. At least, I hope so.” She chuckled at the last part.
“Oh, I don’t know. I honestly hold on to shit like that forever. I would have probably stayed following her ‘til I was I was fifty.”
Ellie laughed.
For the next few minutes, you told her all about the sorry tale of the break-up between you and your ex. As you and Ellie went through and finished yet another joint, she listened to you intently while she leaned against the tree you’d been standing next to. She didn’t interrupt you, aside from an occasional supportive comment or two, intent on letting you rant your pent-up frustrations out.
You hadn’t opened up to anyone else about this, apart from your cousin Rafael. It felt like you had nobody else left to trust your heart with. And yet, there was something so different and familiar about Ellie that made you feel so at home, so comfortable confiding such intimate thoughts and experiences. She happily entertained you as you confessed to her the way you’d never done before with anyone else, her face looking so sympathetic and gentle as she watched you ramble.
“Oh my fucking god,” You eventually said after a while. “I can’t believe I’ve been babbling nonstop about my bullshit, I am so sorry, I—”
You buried your face in your hands in embarrassment.
“Hey, no, no,” Ellie interrupted, pulling your hands away from your face. “None of that. Don’t apologize, please. It’s shit that you obviously have needed to get off your chest for a long time now. I don’t mind listening at all.”
“Okay, but I’m a total stranger who just trauma dumped on you like a dumbass—”
“Alright, no, you are not a dumbass,” Ellie insisted. “And lifelong best friends, remember?”
She gave you a soft smile and began to rub her thumbs against your palms, her warm touch making you tremble.
“Oh, hey, you’re shivering, here.” Ellie said, taking off her motorcycle jacket and placing it around your shoulders.
“Oh,” You said, “T-thanks, Ellie.”
“Looks really good on you.” She commented, smiling. You felt your cheeks go hot again.
“It-it’s very nice.” You said.
“Yeah, it’s my dad’s old jacket. He gave it to me when I was around 14. He used to be a delinquent and was part of some gang or something when he was younger. Rode motorcycles a lot or some shit like that. I’ll tell you more about it one of these days.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Ellie seemed to realize how close she was to your face and how intimately she was holding you. A little sheepish, she walked back a few steps to lean against the tree. She crossed her arms against her chest and, her arms now uncovered, you noticed a large tattoo covering her right forearm.
“I like your tattoo,” You commented. “What is it?”
“Oh,” She said, glancing down at her arm. “It’s a moth with some ferns around it.”
“It’s absolutely gorgeous.”
“Thanks. My ex-girlfriend did the tattoo itself, but I created the design.”
“Woah, really?”
“Yeah.” Ellie said, chuckling at your admiration.
“I know you were telling me earlier that you like to draw, but that really is something.”
“It is?” Ellie replied. You could see her blushing even under the dim glow of the moonlight.
“You’re really talented, Ellie.”
“Nah. I mean, my ex-girlfriend Cat, she did a lot of work making it look better and shit.”
“Still, it’s very impressive.” You insisted. “Do you think— Can I…?”
You extended a hesitant hand out towards her tattooed arm. She smiled warmly as she offered it to you.
“Yeah, go ahead.”
You lifted your outreached hand to trace your fingertips across the multiple leaves decorating her skin. You stared at the intricate design of the Death’s-head hawkmoth that was perched atop the ferns.
“It really suits you.” You said.
“You think so?”
“I do.”
As you continued to stroke Ellie’s tattoo, you felt electricity once again run between you two. You looked up at her to see her ocean green eyes staring at you. You’d never seen anyone look at you that way, not even your ex-girlfriend. You tried to decipher her expression when the moment was suddenly interrupted by your name being called coming from the direction of the frat house.
“There you are!” Tara exclaimed, half-jogging towards you.
“Oh, hey, Tara.” You greeted her, pulling your hands away from Ellie.
“Been looking for you everywhere.” Tara said.
“Sorry, the party was getting a little too much for me. Needed a breather.” You apologized before gesturing towards your companion. “This is Ellie, by the way. She’s Jesse’s roommate.”
“Oh, hey, nice to meet you, man.” Tara said, nodding towards her in greeting. Ellie replied with a nod of her own.
“This is Tara, my roommate.” You gestured to Tara this time.
“Nice to meet you too, dude.” Ellie repeated back to her.
“So, uhh,” Tara began. “Half the group is completely wasted, and Astrid really wants to get rid of that guy Fred who has not stopped trying to grope her all night.”
“Oh, gross. Is she alright?”
“Yeah, she’s okay. But we’re gonna order an Uber and we’re about to head home in a sec. Did you wanna come with or…”
“Oh, umm…” You turned towards Ellie.
“Go on,” Ellie replied, smiling. “I think I’m gonna go find my friend Dina.”
“I’m gonna go gather up the girls.” Tara said, pointing a thumb towards the house. “Nice to meet you again!”
“You too, man.” Ellie said as you both watched Tara walk off.
“Go ahead,” Ellie said, head motioning after Tara. “Go help your friends.”
“Are-are you sure?” You said hesitantly.
“Here, give me your phone again.” She said, holding her hand out. This time, you didn’t hesitate and unlocked it before handing it to her.
You watched as Ellie quickly typed for a few moments before placing it back in your hand. Glancing at the screen, you saw that she’d texted a new contact she’d named “Ellie 😛” with the message “hey sexy” accompanied by a winking emoji.
“Oh my god, you’re annoying.” You said, laughing.
“What, you don’t think I’m sexy?” She replied, grinning.
“Goodbye, Ellie.” You chuckled, walking away a couple of steps before suddenly stopping in your tracks.
“Oh, wait, your jacket—” You said, beginning to shrug off her old motorcycle jacket.
“No, go ahead and keep it.” She interrupted, securing it back onto your shoulders.
“Are you sure?” You asked.
“Gives you a good excuse to see my sexy ass later.” She smirked.
“Shut up,” You said, unable to hide a smile. “You are so annoying.”
“You love it.” She said, smirking once more.
As she adjusted the jacket onto you, you realized just how close she was again. You stared at her and she stared right back. There was a moment or two when you gazed into each other’s eyes, neither saying anything. You felt heat increasingly rising to your face when she suddenly brushed a piece of hair from your forehead.
You found yourself completely unwilling to leave this bubble that enclosed only you and Ellie. It was extraordinary how intimately absorbed you felt in this person you’d only seen for the first time today, how enchanted you felt by merely being in her presence. In just a few hours, she filled your mind completely with thoughts of her and only her. You prayed that this wasn’t a chance meeting but the beginning of something life-changing.
The moment was once again interrupted, this time by Jesse.
“Dude, I was—” Jesse began, but upon seeing what he’d walked in on, his sentence faltered. “Oh, shit, sorry—”
“It’s okay, Jesse,” You assured. “I gotta go, anyway.”
You turned back towards Ellie.
“I’ll, umm, see you soon?” You asked nervously.
“I hope so.” She replied, smiling softly.
You began to walk back towards the house, giving a quick goodbye to Jesse. Once you reached the front porch and before you walked through the door, you turned back to where Ellie and Jesse were standing beneath the tree.
You lifted your hand and waved at Ellie, which she returned with her own soft wave. The look on her face looked completely dazed and awestruck. You bit your lip in nervous anticipation, looking into her ocean green eyes one more time before walking into the house.
After a beat or two, Jesse finally spoke.
“Is she wearing Joel’s old jacket?”
“Shut the fuck up, Jesse.”
author's notes:
i can’t believe this is finally out!! sorry for taking so long to update this, but hopefully how long this is will make up for the time ♡︎
the "barbie heterosexual" line is a reference to a line from the iconique movie "imagine me and you" :)
reader's little spiel to tara about her dating preference is just another little love letter of mine towards masc/butch/stud lesbians. just love y'all so much, you deserve the world.
fred is named after another jackson resident in the actual game (as i've probably mentioned before, all the character names in this fic are purposeful: either named after actual characters or named after people irl). i thought it was a silly little reference for him to go after astrid cause in the games, he's barely mentioned except at one point when it's seen he was paired up with astrid for patrol at one point. i enjoy my little easter eggs :)
the descriptions of most of reader’s friends are slightly based on the physical appearances of some of my irl friends :)
i’ve discovered that i really love making these flashback chapters hehe
like i said, i’m so sorry for taking forever to update this!! my life has been an absolute shit show lately (if you’ve been keeping up with my personal ramblings on here, you know by now lol). but the next few chapters have been basically mapped out already, so hopefully it won’t take me that long to update this with the next chapter ♡︎
taglist: @lonelyfooryouonly, @elliesinterlude, @sawaagyapong, @peppesgirl, @iconsoft, @maybeidohaveadhd, @ellieswifee, @valiantllamapersonpony-blog, @nil-eena, @echostinn
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@whenlostinthedarkness, @elsbouquet
#nobody compares to you series#ellie williams#dealer!ellie#ellie x reader#ellie x you#ellie x y/n#the last of us#tlou#the last of us part 2#tlou2#ellie fanfiction#belle speaks#belle writes
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Got Me Thinking
Part 3: Kiss it Better (NSFW)


Synopsis: Jack ends up getting into an argument with Kelsey and quickly makes it up in his mind to visit you in order to take his mind off of it. Little did the two of you know that those feelings that had been buried all those years ago would come straight up to the surface.
Pairing: Jack Harlow x Reader
Read Part 1 and Part 2 first
Do not engage if underage
Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere
Jack let out a frustrated sigh thinking about the argument that had ensued between him and Kelsey that morning as he was now currently on a plane to California for Druski's premiere. All that he asked of her was to be a little more supportive as he had been under a lot of stress lately and wasn't taking his feelings into consideration and that sent them into a full blown yelling match with her accusing him of saying that she wasn't supportive of him at all.
Shaking his head and trying not to think about it, he pulled out his phone to text you and see what you were up to since he wanted to see you before leaving the state. Druski's premiere was later on that day and he didn't plan on doing anything after except being with you if you were available.
Ever since the two of you reunited at his birthday party, you were all that he could think about. For the entire week that you were there, he spent about every day with you and it was safe to say that he missed your presence and being around you.
And his feelings that were buried deep down had made their way to the surface and had hit him like a ton of bricks.
Yes, he married Kelsey. But did he love her? When they got married he definitely did, but he didn't love her as much as he loved you and knew that no one else on the face of the earth would be able to fill your shoes. He was hurt when he found out you got married, but what could he had done at that point? The two of you hadn't spoken for years and even though he wanted it to be him, he was happy that you found happiness and would never try to ruin that for you. But now hearing about how Xavier had been treating you, he wanted to get you away from him as soon as he could. He knew you were trying to plan everything out, but he didn't want you to have to deal with that situation any longer.
Jack Jack- What are you getting up to tonight pretty girl?
You- Eating and sleeping. My all time favorite pastimes.
Jack Jack- Hmm, now you can't do that if I'm coming to see you, now can you?
You- 👀
You- When will you be here!?!?
Jack Jack- In about an hour or so. I know you're still working but I'm going to Druski's premiere and I wanted to see you after. So around 11 tonight? Is that too late?
You- Never too late when it involves me getting to see you. Now I'm hoping the day goes by a little faster.
Jack Jack- Aww does someone miss me?
You- Don’t push it lol
Jack Jack- Been having a shitty week but I know seeing you will make it better.
You- Oh no. My poor baby. Tell me all about it later. Just text me the address of your hotel and the room. I know how reserved you are and highly doubt you want paparazzi in your face.
Jack Jack- Can't wait to see you
Clay looked over at Jack and immediately asked what had him in such a good mood since he had literally been pissed off less than ten minutes ago.
“Who are you texting that has you smiling like that?”
“Well we know it's not Kelsey.” Urban muttered and Clay couldn't help but to stifle a laugh.
“My guess is Y/N, since he hasn't stopped talking about her.”
“The person that you should have married.”
“And how many times are you going to remind me? What was I supposed to do? Make her divorce him so I could marry her? We hadn't even talked in seven years at that point!” Jack exclaimed while looking at both of them.
“You should've been like I OBJECT!”
“I mean…… that plan could work because she had straight googly eyes when yall made eye contact.”
“And she didn't leave your side the entire night.” Urban added.
“And you don't like your wife. None of us do.”
“I… not too much on Kelsey now!” Jack said while attempting to defend his wife, but all they did was look at him.
“Bruh… DIVORCE.HER.ASS.”
“Because we're legit confused on how and why you married her in the first place. We told you not to and now look, sitting up here miserable and unhappy.”
“I care about her!” Jack said, defending his actions.
“Notice how you said care and not love? Yall argue every waking hour and you are always grumpy. You haven't been grumpy and in a mood since you basically spent your entire birthday week up Y/N's ass. Well except for today when you know, got into an argument with that woman who shares your last name.”
“Wait…. did yall… fuck? As in you and Y/N?”
“NO URB! I didn't cheat on Kelsey and did we forget that Y/N is married too?”
“What is that supposed to mean? We don't like him either. Don't even know shit about him, but he's not you and you and Y/N belong together. Don't make me start singing Mariah Carey.”
“And Kelsey treats you like the gum on the bottom of her shoe.”
“Facts, no printer.”
“Yall just don't know her like I do.”
“And we don't want to.”
Jack sighed and ran a hand through his curly hair because he knew that they were exactly right.
“Think about it like this. Your own wife didn't come to your birthday party yet, your EX-GIRLFRIEND from when you were in HIGH SCHOOL did. What does that tell you?”
“And who is she married to?”
“His name is Xavier.” Jack answered as he pulled up your instagram and handed Urban his phone.
“Oh.”
“Oh? What do you mean oh?” Jack asked as everyone had now gathered around Urban to get a glimpse.
“If this is the dude you're competing with, you can take him.”
“Maybe we could set up a boxing match.”
“Jack is definitely a lover and not a fighter. He wouldn't make it to the second round.”
“HEY!”
“Don't get mad at me because it's true.” Clay replied while holding his hands up in defense.
“But the thing is, Y/N told me she's divorcing him.”
“Good! Then ease your way in!”
“And he's about to have a baby on her.”
“Well got damn. HE CHEATED? ON Y/N? LIKE… JACK IF THAT WASN'T YOUR GIRL…”
“Don't finish that sentence, but yes.”
“Well divorce the wicked witch of the west so you can marry her.”
“Clay! Stop calling her that!”
“Why? It's funny and she's evil so it fits her personality.”
“Not the point!”
“Oh, so you agree?”
“Look, I’m going to try and make it work with Kelsey.” Jack told them, but at this point he didn't know if he was trying to convince them or trying to convince himself.
“I think I threw up in my mouth a little.”
—
You couldn't wait until your last case of the day since that would then let you go home and sleep until It was time to meet up with Jack. It was nice since Xavier was now on another one of his business trips, but you knew all that meant was his was with the woman who he was cheating on you with. He had hid it well when he first stepped out on you, but within the last year he had grown sloppy, but he still had no clue about you knowing.
It was still early in the afternoon when you decided to shoot Jack a quick text to let him know that he could now come over to your house seeing as your husband was nowhere to be found and went off to take a shower to wash the long day off of you.
You saw Jack's reply once you stepped out of the shower and he said that he would let you know when he was on his way. There were still a few more hours left to kill so you decided to take a short quick nap before he got there. But as much as you wanted to, your mind just wouldn't turn off.
The thoughts that consumed your mind consisted of Xavier and Jack and how you never should have ended your relationship with Jack because you knew for a fact that you would have been a lot happier. But, you loved Xavier too despite what he's doing to you even though it hurts to no end. He barely showed you any affection anymore and if he did, it felt forced. But when Jack did it? Felt like something out of a fairytale.
You simply wish you could fast forward to the part where you were happy.
Startled by a sudden knock on the door, you lifted your head to peek at your phone and noticed it was around 11:15 and instantly got excited because you knew it was Jack.
Once you opened the front door, you immediately tackled him into a hug as he kissed the top of your head.
“Hey Buttercup.” Your heart instantly fluttered hearing the nickname that Jack had given to you when the two of you were fifteen and the smile on your face couldn't help but to get bigger.
“Hey, I think the day went by extra slow because I couldn't wait to see you.” You replied as you stepped to the side to let him in.
Once he was in the foyer, he was taken in by his surroundings.
“You mean to tell me yall got this big ass house for only two people?”
“The goal was for it to be filled with little ones but that dream has quickly gone out the window.” You quietly answered and it looked like he was about to say something, but stopped himself.
But it came out anyway.
“You wouldn't want to be tied to someone like that for the rest of your life anyway. You deserve better than that.”
“I… I know. I just feel that I'm in a difficult position. But moving on because I know you didn't come here to hear me whine about him. Let me give you the grand tour.”
“It doesn't bother me. If you need to vent, I'm always going to be there to listen. No matter what time of day or night it is.”
“I really appreciate you saying that.”
Moving throughout the house, you showed him everything there was to see and you simply left your bedroom and closet for last knowing that he was going to spend at least an hour admiring your shoe collection.
Once you opened the double doors to the master bedroom, he simply laughed to himself.
“What in the world is so funny, Jackson?”
“I can tell that you designed this, didn't you?”
“He let me have at it so I simply did what I want with it.”
“So this is where the magic happens?” He asked, wiggling his eyebrows and you rolled your eyes.
“Magic? As in me using my vibrator because that is literally the only magic that happens here. Anyway, let me show you my closet because I know you'll definitely like it.”
“So, we're just going to skip over the vibrator part that you mentioned?” Jack asked and you simply shrugged.
“Not every guy is in tune with his wife's body and knows how to please her, but that's a story for another day.”
“He definitely should be and there's no excuse for that.”
Jack then followed behind as you led the way into the walk-in closet and he immediately took note of your shoe collection just like you knew he would.
“I… Well damn. Maybe you should be an ambassador for New Balance too.”
“I can't help it. I literally buy a pair every time I go out. And a lot of that time is spent thinking about how my life is a hot ass mess. Sorry I'm doing it again. Now what had you upset earlier?”
“You don't have to apologize and it was Kelsey.”
“What happened?”
“All I asked was if she could be more supportive since I have had a lot going on and been kinda stressed out. She took it upon herself to accuse me of saying she's not supportive at all and it turned into a screaming match. Well her screaming at me really.”
“Did she not comprehend what you were saying?”
“As of lately, it seems like she's not comprehending anything when she used to not do that. Clay calls her the wicked witch of the west.”
You couldn't help but to immediately laugh.
“I'm sorry, but that is hilarious.”
“It's sad to say but I've gotten used to it.”
“Why? You shouldn't be used to arguing with your spouse all the time.”
“No, but… I don't know. I always say that I want to try and make it work between the both of us but when I replay these incidents over and over again it makes me think that it might not actually be worth it.”
“Then if it isn't worth it, let it go. Why would you want to be married to someone like that anyway?” You said which was similar to what he had told you earlier.
“Hmm, you want the honest answer?”
“Of course I do.”
“Only because my real bride was already spoken for.” He answered while looking directly at you.
You didn't answer him as he had quickly gotten distracted with something hanging up in your closet.
“Wait… Is this my hoodie? You've had it all this time?” He asked while holding it up and inspecting it.
“Yeah, it was comfy so I decided to steal it and never give it back.”
“Hmm, how does your husband feel about you having your ex-boyfriend's hoodie?”
“Well it's a good thing he doesn't know now isn't it? It still smells like you too believe it or not after all these years. And why should he even care? It's not like we're having sex with each other because that's exactly what he's doing and ended up getting her pregnant.”
“We're not, but it definitely sounds like you need someone to please you because he's not doing his job.”
The two of you were now dangerously close as Jack once again started playing with the ends of your hair as the hand that wasn't occupied cupped your face. Before you knew it, he leaned in and his lips were on yours. After kissing him back you immediately pushed him away from you.
“Jack… we can't and you know that.” You said not believing your own words for a second.
“Is it the fact that we can't or the fact that you don't want to admit that you feel the same way about me as you did when you were fourteen?” He asked you as he closed the space in between the two of you once more.
When you were quiet, he asked you once again and your thoughts were running rampant.
“Y/N, do you want me to stop?” He asked as he began to kiss down your neck and you could feel the river that was beginning to form between your thighs.
“No.” You breathed out before bringing his face back close to yours.
His hand reached under your shirt and was surprised to find out that you weren't wearing anything underneath and began to massage them and roll your nipples in between his fingers instantly making them hard as he kept his mouth on yours.
You broke apart from him as he was simply staring at you with his thumb grazing your cheek.
No words were spoken as you led him back into the master bedroom with both of you trying to strip out of the clothes that you were wearing at a rapid speed.
Once you were left bare underneath him, he slowly inserted two fingers into you seeing how wet you were and he immediately smirked as he leaned down to kiss you.
You moaned into his mouth and that was when he increased his pace moving his fingers in and out of you.
By this point your eyes were closed and you rightfully gasped as you felt him take one long lick across your folds. Jack then spread your legs to the point where they were behind your head so that he would have enough room.
“I don't think your husband would take it too well that I'm fucking his wife in his bed but clearly someone has to do it since he can't get it right.” You heard him say and you let out a quiet laugh before you once again felt his mouth on you.
You couldn't even remember the last time that you were in that much pleasure, but knew that Jack was only getting started.
Between him using his mouth and his fingers, you knew it wouldn't take long in order for you to reach your peak and you decided to speed up the process by playing with your pierced nipples.
As you loudly moaned his name, Jack then went to suck on your clit and you knew it was only a matter of seconds before you were going to hit your peak.
“Oh, fuck. Right there, stay right there.” You said as your hands were now tangled in his hair in order to be able to keep him as close as possible.
“Baby, I’m about to…”
“Then do it.” Jack said as he broke away from you to answer but went right back to his original position.
Your orgasm hit you like a ton of bricks that your legs were shaking, but Jack hadn't stopped eating you out which quickly made you go into having another one.
No sound was coming out of your mouth as Jack let you ride it out before detaching from you and crawling back up your body with him planting kisses on your skin along his path.
Once he reached your lips, he gave you several pecks before you felt his fingers now massaging your clit and he was now smirking at you.
“You ready for me, sweet girl? I can tell that your body is, but I need to hear you say it.”
“Been ready for you.”
As you noticed the precum leaking from the tip, you sat up and quickly took him in your mouth, making him hiss and throw his head back in pleasure.
You used your hand for where your mouth couldn't reach and you soon felt him twitch and took that as a sign that he was growing closer to hitting his peak when he suddenly lightly pushed you away from him and you quickly looked up at him confused.
“There's no way I'm about to last much longer and I need to feel you.”
“I'm on birth control, so it's all good. Nothing to worry about.” You said as you got settled once more at the top of the bed as he took hold of your hips and slowly entered you, leading to a moan escaping both of your mouths.
“You feel so good around me, but you have to relax baby and give me some room. Just relax, I got you.”
It was definitely easier said than done.
But once you did and the two of you got in a comfortable rhythm, your arms went around Jack's neck as he buried his face in your shoulder.
Hearing him moan in your ear let you know another orgasm was right around the corner as you then reached down to play with your clit. Your hand was soon replaced with his as you then heard the garage door open.
“Fuck, he's back early.”
“We're not leaving this bed until you scream my name, you understand?”
You immediately nodded your head as Jack then increased his pace as you were hoping to not get caught by your husband. But at this point in time, you didn't care.
The thrill of being caught got you excited.
“That's it. That's it, pretty girl. Are you going to cum for me? Cum all over my dick.”
Without another word, both of you hit your peak at the same time with you loudly moaning in his ear. As he was letting you recover, he placed kisses all over your body before planting one more on your lips which immediately made you smile.
“We need to hurry up and get dressed before he comes upstairs? Don't you think?” Jack asked but not before taking one of your nipples in his mouth and lightly sucking.
“Don't start because now we definitely can't finish.”
“Hmm… to be continued.”
Once the two of you slipped your clothes back on and made your way back downstairs you were now sitting on the couch with the television on as Xavier walked in.
“Oh hey, you're back early.” You said as he leaned down to kiss you which now left a sour taste in your mouth.
“I figured why not since I wanted to spend time with my wife. And who do we have here?”
“Jack this is my husband Xavier and Xavier this is Jack. We went to high school together and he was in town so we decided to catch up.”
“Nice to meet you Jack.”
“You too.” Jack replied as he was taking in meeting your piece of shit husband in person for the first time.
“Doesn't surprise me you two are still catching up at 3 in the morning. Y/N has always been a night owl.” He said in a somewhat accusatory tone, but Jack quickly shut it down.
“Well I had a premiere to go to and didn't get finished until late, but I was just leaving since I have an early flight.”
“Well next time you're here, we all should go out.” Xavier offered and Jack quickly agreed.
“Sure thing and I can bring my wife so it will be a double date.”
Hearing him say that immediately made your stomach go into a series of knots.
“Come on Jack so I can walk you out.”
Once outside and by his rental car, the two of you immediately busted out laughing.
“I don't think I've ever gotten dressed that fast before. That had to be some type of record.”
“I mean he could have always come in to get a few pointers from me.” Jack replied and you lightly hit his arm.
“What? You know I'm telling the truth. When's the last time he made you feel that good?” Jack asked as he whispered the last part in your ear and slipped a hand in your shorts.
“Babe…”
“I take that as the answer being never.” He said as he removed his hand and brought it up to his mouth to suck on his fingers.
“Taste so good and you are making it so hard for me to not fuck you again right here and right now.”
“Behave, Jackman!” You exclaimed as he quickly began playing with your hair and the two of you stood in a comfortable silence.
“Until next time, buttercup.”
“Until next time, Jackson.”
“Oh and I hope you don't mind me taking these?” He asked as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out the purple thong that you had been wearing earlier before it got discarded on the floor.
“You know purple's my favorite color.” Was all he said before he placed a kiss on your cheek.
After Jack had drove off, you went back into the house and the realization of what you had just done hit you.
You just cheated on your husband with your ex-boyfriend.
And didn't regret it one bit.
#jack harlow#jack harlow fic#jack harlow concepts#jack harlow x reader#jack harlow x black reader#jack harlow fanfic#jack harlow imagine#jack harlow smut#jack harlow fluff#jack harlow fanfiction#jackman thomas#jackman thomas harlow
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you're the only person on my dash who's said anything about the nl govt collapse, I don't know lots about it but I'm curious what the feeling is on the ground chez vous. thoughts? how you feeling election-wise?
ooh! ohoho, that's a fun question right now, thank you!
i don't know how much you know, so apologies if i overexplain, and this also took me MANY DAYS to answer (more important apologies for that) because i immediately started writing too many words. i put most of them under a read more, but they're entirely optional and only there in case anyone would like to. read more, that is.
so, generally, the feeling from all sides is the absolute opposite of surprise. this cabinet sat for 11 months and 1 day after more than seven months of a very unhappy formation, and those 11 months (and 1 day) weren't much happier. this overwhelming lack of surprise comes hilariously paired with the fact that there was absolutely no good reason for the cabinet to fall now (on some level this did come out of the blue), because there was no sudden crisis, nothing new really happened, but wilders (leader of the far-right populist PVV, the biggest party in parliament since the last elections) got antsy and realized that all the things he'd promised (mostly extreme and often impossible anti-immigration measures) were about to fall through again/had already taken far too long (from the pov of his voters. politics takes time, that's how it goes, but he wants things (Far) Right Now), so he more or less made up a list of 10 new demands he wanted the other three coalition parties to sign for, and when they didn't (but told him he could propose those laws and they wouldn't block him, and he might even have their support. they just weren't willing to put their name on a sudden new coalition promise), he sort of overnight decided to pretend that this was THE line in the sand, and he couldn't stand for this any longer, and he HAD to let the government fall for the good of the country, i guess. the idea behind this is that if he's the one to pull his support for the coalition he can pretend he's been trying soooo hard to get something done but everyone just kept working against him (say "awww" please), and at the same time it puts immigration at the center of the next half year-ish of campaigns because that's the Big Issue this government fell over.
now. after the PVV bailed, the other three coalition parties could technically have decided to make a go of it as a minority government, but this was a doomed marriage right from the start and there was exactly zero will to continue from any side, and the opposition was also immediately calling for elections, so that's what's happening. summer is coming up, so the date has been set for late october, and i don't love that (i'd rather have them sooner, honestly), but i DO like the prospect of an election. in hindsight the conditions were perfect last time for a right wing... well, not quite sweep (there are 15 different parties in parliament right now. not much about dutch politics is ever sweeping), but they definitely blew up more than predicted, and i harbor a faint sliver of very guarded hope that results in the next election will be, like, maybe a few seats less doom and despair inducing. things won't be fixed suddenly, the PVV will continue to exist and get a large share of the votes (as will several other right-wing parties), but chances are... not huge? that they'll manage another entirely right-wing government (and you could debate if that's what this one was, but we'd be splitting hairs). there were a few voices from the right after the cabinet fell lamenting that wilders had wasted the potential of this wonderful first-of-a-kind truly fully right-wing government, and they're not wrong but it's also wishful thinking (this cabinet was never going to get anything done. for so many reasons), and obviously my feelings on it are more along the lines of yay! hooray!
so it's, like. it makes me nervous, because everything about politics does, currently. but at least it probably fingers crossed most likely won't get worse (it could! it can! there's plenty of room for things to be worse over here! i just mean that it currently doesn't seem very likely), so any chance of it getting slightly better (and not having to watch the PVV minister for immigration on the evening news every other night because she said some new wildly nauseating thing while smiling) is one i'll take.
also, it's just fun to witness the mess right now. sometimes it's the little things in life that bring one joy. <3
point in case, all i keep seeing in my head is this, from the national evening news on the night of the collapse:

this is the leader of the one of the coalition parties (NSC) responding right after the news broke, but she's standing next to a racist cartoon (it's part of a series of islamophobic... jokes? because she's in the hall near the PVV offices, a bastion of free speech. and islamophobia), but the text is so close to unreadable that really she's just. earnestly trying to do politics next to a picture of hole. there are no two ways around it that's just. it's just a drawing of an anus. with an arrow pointed at it.
which is a terrible place to put yourself if you want to be taken seriously! < the only words really needed to describe anything any of the non-PVV political parties in the coalition have done over the past year and a half.
the above also forced me to relearn that the public broadcast livestream doesn't allow screenshots, so i had to skip back and get out my phone and take a picture of my laptop screen, like a caveman. oh, the times we're in.
as promised, the entirely optional MANY MORE words for context on why i am (very very cautiously, a tiny little bit) optimistic about new elections under the cut:
okay, so the now ex-coalition had these players:
PVV (party for freedom), far right nationalist-populists under geert wilders. received the largest share of the votes. (note: by no means a majority of the votes, just the largest share in a very fractured landscape.) wilders wanted to be prime minister, and the largest party generally gets to supply one, but the other parties blocked him ("normal" political parties, generally, do not like wilders, and do not want him to represent this country), which is how we ended up with prime minister schoof (not from the PVV. a guy nobody knew, so nobody had any objections to him) heading a cabinet to which wilders kept playing opposition even though HIS party was in it. the PVV is genuinely awful and deeply racist, and they will dabble in a little great replacement propaganda (there was a minister who tried not to denounce something she'd said about this in the past, and then eventually did anyway so she could get the job. very believable), but they're a little too grounded to go full on Q Anon. (that's the domain of FVD, who had their moment but are now mostly irrelevant because of how deeply their leader got drawn into the conspiracy spiral. you can forget about the FVD now, they won't be important.)
VVD, mainstream right/center-right party (the liberals, but in a political context where that puts them firmly on the right), who were the largest party for a decade and a half until the last elections. i don't agree with them, i would never ever vote for them, they've done a lot of things wrong and left a legacy of problems they created and never solved, but under mark rutte (during that decade and a half) they were a very stabilizing force, so at least there was that. rutte left to become secretary general of NATO prior to the last elections (which meant we were finally rid of him), and the VVD is now headed by dilan yeşilgöz, who has been pushing them farther right to keep up with the PVV. they're not insane (currently), and they can be reasoned with, but they will really try to give tax cuts to the rich.
NSC (new social contract), a party quite literally so new that it didn't exist before the previous elections, and which won a stupid number of votes considering it wasn't entirely clear what they stood for. they positioned themselves as the party that cares about the constitution, and during the coalition forming process they kept asking concerned questions about the constitutionality of the PVV's proposals, and then they joined this coalition anyway. their leader and THE guy everyone was voting for the NSC for, pieter omtzigt, has been in a constant struggle with burnout and has now (probably?) left national politics for good (after leaving and coming back and leaving and coming back). things do not look good for the NSC.
BBB, the farmer's party. those words may sound sympathetic at first glance, but in reality they're a right-wing mostly single-issue party concerned with farmer's rights in a way that means they're very against, uh. nature. or animal rights. or doing anything to prevent climate change. this may not sound like an obvious party to draw votes, but for a tiny overpopulated country the netherlands does far more farming than you might think. they're a relatively new party but they have a strong core base of supporters.
genuinely, i think what this lineup really says about voters is that (like in so many places around the world) they want the government to take care of people, they want to feel supported, they want everything the left wants, but they keep trying to find it in right-wing parties, several of which have no clue what they're doing beyond shouting things that sound good and/or easy. out of these three only the VVD had any experience whatsoever at governing a country, the NSC barely existed yet, the BBB only really cares about one thing, and the PVV is great at playing opposition but you can't have it both ways. this was never going to work, and everyone knew it, even the people in these parties who were pretending that they might get something done.
now. when discussing him in an international context wilders frequently gets called the dutch trump, and i get why, and it's a decent enough shorthand, and they do align in being destructive unbearable racist anti-immigration populist right-wingers, but it's also, just. not really true at all. wilders has a firm grip on the PVV because he built it, and while trump is an idiot (a dangerous one! a powerful one! but an idiot), wilders is not, and he's been in politics since 1990, and in national politics as the head of his PVV since 2004. he's been here, spewing versions of the shit he's spewing now, and right now he's riding the wave.
and crucially, wilders doesn't get compared to trump a lot in his own country. that's not a thing in the mainstream dutch discourse around him, so the mess trump is currently making of the US doesn't stick to wilders in the way it seemed to haunt the right wing in the recent canadian and australian elections, and unless someone's campaign strategy changes that i don't think that will have much of an impact here.
also: it's important to note that the PVV is definitely a right-wing party, but it's not always that simple and they are, on a technical level, left on some social issues. they want to lower the cost of healthcare insurance (which is mandatory over here. everyone has it, but even so not all insurance is equal, and it's pricey), they were trying to push a rent freeze before the government collapsed (and their proposal was shoddy and about to get struck down, but in theory this could have been a good thing). and these kinds of things sound nice! it's just that wilders wants them for white people, and preferably no one else - but they have and will make people vote for him (sometimes without thinking too much about the racism), because he presents himself as a man who will say what no one else is saying AND cares about the cost of your groceries. during a debate in the runup to the last elections there was a confrontation between wilders and the leader of two left-wing parties which recently joined forces (GL-PvdA, THE mainstream left right now. we'll get to them), in which they were essentially saying they had the same stance on lowering healthcare insurance costs, but wilders was promising radical (impossible) change and the GL-PvdA leader was presenting an actual, reasoned, potentially workable plan that involved several steps. wilders came out on top in this debate even though he absolutely shouldn't have (and later, after the elections, he would shift to more or less parroting the GL-PvdA leader's "it's more complicated than that" stance, because it is more complicated than that), which is just a distilled version of the problem everywhere right now, i guess, because magical sudden solutions sound more attractive upfront than reality, and only certain people are willing to tell those pretty lies.
and finally, while he's been around all this time, he and his PVV have never been in government. they got very close once in 2010-2012 during the VVD-led Rutte I cabinet, when they were a kind of semi-part of the coalition (a very culturally dutch construction, in so many ways), but this ended so badly that nobody even wanted to consider working with them since then, not even on the mainstream right. the VVD (and everyone else, but crucially the VVD, who kept getting the lead in coalition talks) had an unofficial boycot in place against working with them, which essentially left them dead in the water - you can vote for the PVV, but you know up front that it's not getting them anything but opposition seats.
which brings me to the thing that happened last time to give the PVV the unexpected boost they got. so, it's 2023, the cabinet led by mark rutte (of the VVD, then the largest party. this was Rutte IV, so his fourth turn as prime minister) toppled over something they called an asylum crisis (so, over immigration). this was mostly the VVD at work, who were hoping to gain votes with their stance on the issues in a next election.
but who is even louder and meaner about immigration than the VVD? the PVV! so wilders was doing alright anyway, this was perfect for him (adding some to the incremental growth of the far right he could have counted on anyway), but then rutte (finally) left dutch politics, and the VVD leadership was passed to yeşilgöz. yeşilgöz, in an attempt to show that she's doing "new" and "different" politics (a lot of people had gotten tired of mark rutte) and also to appease PVV voters, says that she doesn't rule out working with anyone, even the PVV.
this, now, suddenly meant the PVV was a viable option again. instead of drawing votes for the VVD because they're so cool and chill and also totally tough on immigration, it had the opposite effect of drawing votes for the PVV because they're a Real Political Party! so they more than doubled their seats, going over what they were projected to get in votes, and getting easily their highest number of votes ever. the VVD meanwhile did worse than expected (they had been going strong for the previous 15 years, after all) and then suddenly yeşilgöz had to backpaddle and announce that she wouldn't stand for a prime minister wilders, which is how we wound up with a very odd situation in which wilders (annoyed) kept attacking a guy HE put in the prime minister seat.
so looking ahead now, for these next elections wilders is 100% hoping to somehow get another shot at being prime minister. he wants to grow the PVV even further, but looking at current polling numbers (which mean nothing yet. but are nonetheless all we have) that wouldn't be happening. they'd still come out as the biggest, but they might lose a few seats, and that's not getting wilders in a better spot than where he was. also, while he was of course trying to present as reasonable during the coalition talks, he showed his true (entirely known and expected) colors later on, so whatever his voters or the general population may think, politicians from other parties are supremely annoyed with him (once again).
(important bleak sidenote: this could also be what wilders wants. either he wins more seats, and then they Have to take him seriously and let him be prime minister, or he doesn't, and then he doesn't get to be a part of the next government, and he gets to go back to yelling very loudly about everything everyone else is doing wrong, which is his strong suit anyway. there are no real bad outcomes for him here, probably. that's the bad news (for everyone else).)
meanwhile the VVD would maybe gain some in new elections right now, maybe stay where they are; BBB would shrink a bit (but they're nowhere near those other two in size anyway), and the NSC, crucially, would essentially disappear off the map. this has happened before - something new pops up, dutch voters flock to it in hopes of positive change, nothing really changes and they all flock to the next newest thing/return to more well-known lettersoup acronyms - and it will probably happen again. many NSC voters came from the CDA, the christian democrats, a conservative but centrist party. the CDA had an extremely deep low point in the last elections (omtzigt, who started the NSC, came from CDA, and a lot of CDA voters had also hopped over to BBB already. CDA used to be big, but this was a gradual process of erosion over many elections), and came out with only 5 seats, but they're still a well-known name and i (and current polls) expect them to do much better this time. many former NSC voters will probably go back to CDA. which could be good? at the very least, the CDA is established and, like, knows who they are.
but! i also honestly think the NSC looked more left-leaning to many voters than it was, due to omtzigt's reputation as Man Who Stands Up For The Little Guy (there's a particular political scandal around welfare benefits he had a hand in uncovering that earned him this reputation, which gained him a lot of goodwill. but i think what he really stood for is transparency, not progressive social politics), so who knows, a few of those NSC votes could land left of center, IF the left plays their cards right.
and, okay, the left. there are plenty of parties on the left, of many types, but the most interesting development and by far the biggest and most relevant player on the left right now is the GL-PvdA united left. GL (groenlinks) is the green left, which is what you would expect it to be, and they've never been huge nationally but they're growing. this is where my vote usually lands. PvdA is the labour party, and they have a very long history and traditionally used to draw in a major share of votes (we had a PvdA prime minister when i was born. take me back), but in the last two elections which they took part in on their own they did very badly (like, they lost 29 seats between 2012 and 2017, and then never gained any since, leaving them in single digits. because, and this is a fun one, they were in a deeply ill-advised coalition with the VVD, and none of their voters liked that), and then in 2023 GL and PvdA (both small but present, and neither of them actually tiny) joined forces, and lured frans timmermans back from european politics. he was already a well-known face, and he's strong in this position and i like him and he's saying the right things (we have to stop moving to the right - we have to make center parties want to lean into the left instead), though it does have to be said that he's not very exciting. in an ideal situation, some fresh young face would suddenly rise up through the ranks in one of these parties, but until that happens timmermans will do - and these two parties together DID pull votes in the last election. polls currently have them growing a bit, keeping ahead of the VVD even. because, okay. numbers.
there are currently 15 different parties with at least one seat in parliament (de tweede kamer. which only has 150 seats), and that's not counting parties that were on the voting ticket but didn't make the cut (enough votes for at least 1 seat. so, the lowest cut-off point possible without chopping people in half), so there's plenty to choose! the PVV may be the largest right now, but they still have only 37 seats out of 150 total, which is a fuckton (and 20 more than they had pre-2023) but also, importantly, still MILES from achieving a majority and letting them just fuck around and do whatever they want. that's what wilders would want, obviously, but it's just not how dutch politics works, because there has never been a government in my lifetime (or my dad's, for that matter) that wasn't a complicated union of at least two, far more typically three or four different parties in order to actually get the seats for a majority in parliament. this is a good thing! one could argue there are currently far too many tiny parties active in the dutch political landscape, and one would not be entirely wrong, but i would still rather have this splintering than a consolidation into a political system with only two real options (i'm not naming any names, US americans, don't worry).
so in actual numbers: out of the 150 total the VVD holds 24 seats currently, NSC 20, and BBB 7. (before the PVV left, the coalition had 88 seats total, with the remaining 62 split across 11 opposition parties.) but in between the right-wing PVV and VVD, there's GL-PvdA, who received the second largest share of votes and therefore seats, at 25. note that they beat the VVD with this! this was a growth of 8 seats versus GL and PvdA results counted up (because they were still operating independently then) in the elections prior to the last. they were never going to join talks with the PVV (this is ALSO a good thing), for so many reasons, but they are there! these 25 seats were a victory in their own right! D66 is a centrist party that's in fifth spot with 9 seats. the socialist party SP has 5 seats (which may not sound like much, and it isn't, but it's still 5 clearly left wing people in parliament), the PvdD (party for animals), initially a single-issue animal rights party but now a broader, general left and ecological party, has 3 seats. VOLT is a (center-?)left pro-EU party with 2 seats (note that being far right in europe essentially always means being anti-EU). it's hard to say how many seats all left-wing parties hold if you count them up because it's hard to say which parties are the left wing once you get into the weeds (DENK has 2 seats and is pro immigrant minority rights! but terrible on LGBTQ issues), but it's not nothing, and once again, there is so!!! much!!! to choose from!!!
people just need to, like. stop voting against their own interests because some guy yelled the loudest and made the most impossible but pretty claims.
so, in summary: PVV bad. PVV hoping for more growth, but unlikely to get it, which may put them back in opposition seats, which also could be right where they want to be, but at the very least that would mean we wouldn't have the PVV governing the country. it would probably be tough to get a majority government that's entirely left-wing, so i wouldn't hope for that, but the left may do okay in the next elections and GL-PvdA will hopefully remain at least in the top 3 largest parties. the VVD is around, trying to figure things out. there is still, in the middle of all this splintering and shifting towards extremes, something of a political center, which is also good. there are so many parties with so much to lose and often such different interests that the election may be held in late october of 2025, but it would not surprise me (or probably anyone) in the least if we only had an actual new government in summer of 2026 at the earliest.
or an even shorter summary: things bad; things could be worse; i will stubbornly continue to hope for them not to be. fingers crossed emoji, fingers crossed emoji, fingers crossed emoji ten more times.
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a few of the most recent developments because i took so long to get this posted: yeşilgöz announced yesterday that the VVD wouldn't consider working with the PVV again because they were "irresponsible" and "unreliable" from day one. fork found in kitchen, but sometimes it takes two years and a doomed coalition to remember what a fork is, i guess. (sunnier take: at least now we know, and if the VVD sticks to its guns on this, there's a high chance it would get nigh impossible for the PVV to drum up a feasible majority coalition, unless something very weird happens. there are unlikely to be a lot of other big players on the right (especially if the NSC melts like cotton candy being washed by a raccoon), and overall this would point towards a center-right coalition at worst, or possibly something much weirder (left-right cooperation? historically bad for the left, so that's scary, but who knows).)
meanwhile, the remaining coalition parties are squabbling over who gets to fill the empty ministerial seat on immigration (left behind when the PVV exited - all of their ministers left, so those ministries need temporary heads), because all three of them want to be the ones who get to say they're Tough On Immigration, and they're Taking Charge, etcetera. they wouldn't even really have to solve any of the current problems because this cabinet is just sitting it out until there's a new one after the next elections. it's win-win!
also meanwhile (and as an example of why we do need someone in charge, even if just so the press has someone to point their mics at and ask questions), a group of random civilians wearing reflective vests has been flagging down cars along the dutch-german border as "border patrol" (against "illegal" immigrants), which is, of course, a totally normal and chill and not at ALL deeply scary and dangerous thing to be doing, if you are a random person with zero authority whatsoever. wilders is delighted. these people were conducting their checks on the german side of the border at first, until they stopped a car that had german police in it, and the german police went hey! what the fuck! and sent them, in a deeply ironic twist, back over the border where they came from. this would be funny if any of this were funny.
#i hope this is readable. questions are welcome! i promise i won't write another unexpected 4.6k in answer#*#ask#vimesbootstheory#and hey ultimately. when things went sideways so badly in the 2023 elections#a chain of events (media consumption fuelled by grief) was set in motion for me personally that led me to start learning thai#so IF things go all the wrong directions this time. stay tuned! to hear what language i'm learning next maybe#the elections are oct 2025. by the time there's a new government i might speak fluent italian
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thoughts on the blue lock 3rd official popularity poll
So the 3rd official blue lock popularity poll came out in december, and even though I'm a little late to the party I'd like to share some interesting takeaways i've found about it!!
I think the most impressive leap we have so far is Kaiser, at number 4 with about 25k votes. Ngl it's pretty incredible seeing as he's:
The only non Japanese character to make it in the top 11 in the poll
One of the two manga only characters (along with Kurona, who's at #10)- well, he did make his debut at the end of s2 but STILL CMON GUYS
One of the only characters who hasn't been introduced in an English physical volume
Along with being one of the only 2 characters (along with kurona again) to be introduced in this past year
If he's this popular in the Japanese fandom, then he's going to blow up once Blue lock s3 and his English volume (release set in February 2025 I think) drops. Although the gap between no.
Us kaiser fans really need to get ready for a huge merch drop next year lol
Some additional commentary: I'm very surprised at nagi coming in 5th, he's been a fan favorite ever since he was introduced. I'd also been expecting him to gain more popularity thanks to the episode nagi movie we've gotten this year, which brings me to my next point: reo ranked remarkably high this poll.
Guess the fangirls were busy XD Reo and nagi are definitely ranked high, no surprise coming due to the shipping, but another surprising bit is probably chigiri being so down on the list- ngl I'd always thought he had a huge fanbase, or maybe that's because the few fans he has are especially loud.
Isagi did it again at no. 1 with 200k votes which is INSANE, and rin follows soon after 125k which... to be expected, everyone has a thing for damaged emo boys lol
not too surprised kunigami (aka ichigo) or barou didn't rank at all here, although would've been nice if one of them made it... probably goes to show the fanbase's preference for the pretty guys XD.
the gap between no. 2 and 3 is INSANE though, i wonder if it'll change in the upcoming year now that Kaiser's getting more popular after his anime debut.
hope you enjoyed and let me know your thoughts!!
#blue lock#poll#thoughts#michael kaiser#isagi yoichi#itoshi rin#bllk#reo mikage#nagi seishiro#chigiri hyoma
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Culture
Jeez, I wonder why Trump won't release the Epstein files
SFGATE columnist Drew Magary unpacks what could be the biggest scandal of our time

From left, American real estate developer Donald Trump, his girlfriend and future wife Melania Knauss, financier and future convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein and British socialite Ghislaine Maxwell pose together at the Mar-a-Lago club in Palm Beach, Fla., on Feb. 12, 2000.Davidoff Studios Photography/Getty Images
By Drew Magary, ColumnistUpdated July 16, 2025 11:38 a.m.
When Donald Trump doesn’t want to talk about something, that usually means that we need to talk about it. That’s especially true of the president’s most recently adopted third rail, the late Jeffrey Epstein. Donald Trump would really like everyone to shut the f—k up about his old friend and has communicated those feelings with that classic Trump subtlety that we all know and adore:
“STOP TALKING ABOUT EPSTEIN!!!!!”
But why does Trump suddenly have a bug up his ass about Jeffrey Epstein? More important, why should you pay attention to THIS Trump scandal when every other Trump scandal comes and goes like a summer afternoon rainfall? Why shouldn’t you just go eat a Pop-Tart instead, given that you’ll likely accomplish just as much in doing so?

The mug shot of Jeffrey Epstein in 2019.Kypros/Getty Images
Who was Jeffrey Epstein?
A former teacher who switched to a career in finance at Bear Stearns. From there, Epstein became a boutique financial consultant (and likely inside trader) who only accepted billionaires as clients. But Epstein’s rise among society’s elite can likely be owed to far darker forces than market manipulation. In 2019, he was charged by the feds with trafficking underage girls with the intent of sexually assaulting them. Epstein also pimped victims out to some of his most powerful friends and clients. Perhaps in tribute to Diddy, Epstein hosted these group assault “parties” in lavish settings, including in Manhattan, in Palm Beach, aboard a private jet that went by the nickname the Lolita Express and on his own private island. While Epstein’s closest associate and lover Ghislaine Maxwell is currently serving a 20-year prison sentence for helping Epstein run this illicit sex ring and luring in victims, the man himself was never convicted in that matter. This is because he died in his jail cell while awaiting trial. Authorities ruled the death a suicide.
Was it a suicide?
Well the government says so, and it recently posted raw surveillance footage from the day of Epstein’s death to confirm the ruling. Oh, but Wired just reported that the released footage has a gap in it of nearly three minutes, which allows for all sorts of funny business to still be in play.
That’s curious.
It gets curioser. In death, Epstein left behind perhaps the most infamous paper trail in modern criminal history, including a little black book that included the names of his victims, his accomplices and, most tellingly, the aforementioned powerful friends he’d collected. The names in that book, many of which also show up in Epstein’s flight records, include the likes of Courtney Love, Alec Baldwin, Prince Andrew, Alan Dershowitz, Bill Clinton and —you guessed — Donald Trump.

A portrait of American financier Jeffrey Epstein, left, and real estate developer Donald Trump posing together at the Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fla., in 1997.Davidoff Studios Photography/Getty Images
Like Trump!
Yes, like Trump. But prior to this month, Trump and his little MAGA army were vocally convinced that the files would implicate Trump’s enemies much more than they would the man himself. This is in line with the modern GOP playbook under Trump. Democratic leaders convened at Comet Ping Pong in Washington, D.C., to abuse children. LGBTQ+ Americans were “grooming” children in order to take advantage of them and/or turn them LGBTQ+. All of the immigrants living here, either legally or off the books, are a threat to our precious children, which is why we need ICE to round them up and then throw them in the cargo hold of a plane bound for Western Sahara. Oh, and abortion MURDERS children outright. The old man protesting outside your general practitioner’s office has the enlarged photos to prove it!
Oh wow, is all of that true?
Of course it isn’t, you f—king idiot. But you can see how Trumpists have been able to capture the visceral reaction that child abuse inevitably fosters in people, and then turn that outrage against anyone they hate. So when the possibility arose that the Epstein files would be released, many MAGA heads saw it a fantastic opportunity to finish off the Democratic Party once and for all. This is why Justice Department head Pam Bondi made a promise in February that she would give up the goods. In fact, she even told Fox News “it’s sitting on my desk right now to review” when asked about the list of Epstein’s clients.
Did she make good on that promise?
You’re not gonna believe this, but no. Last week the DOJ released a statement that included this wildly blatant piece of obfuscation (emphasis mine below):

A protest group called “Hot Mess” holds up signs of Jeffrey Epstein in front of the federal courthouse in New York City on July 8, 2019. Stephanie Keith/Getty Images
So she’s NOT releasing the files?
Apparently they’re hella boring if you ask Bondi, and why wouldn’t I believe this woman? She’s only quid pro quo’ed with our dear leader a few times. Oh, and a curious plea deal that Epstein struck with Florida prosecutors in 2007 was worded to shield his co-conspirators from further scrutiny. It also barred the terms of Epstein’s plea deal from ever being made public, which a judge later found to be in violation of the Crime Victims’ Rights Act; it was an illegal cover-up between Epstein’s lawyers and the prosecution. So here’s a notorious sexual predator with a recorded history of gaming the system to hide his evildoing. But Donald Trump is angry that you’re even still bringing it up. Move on already, jeez! We’ve got legal immigrants to kidnap and torture!
Are we moving on?
We are not, and we strangely have Trump’s supporters to thank for that. After breaking with Trump on his Big Butthole Bill, Elon Musk straight up tweeted that Trump’s name was on Epstein’s client list. After Bondi buried the files, Don Bongino, the deputy director of the FBI, was so pissed that he ghosted work the next day and then got into a big ol’ row with Bondi about it when he finally showed back up at the office. Bongino’s direct boss, FBI Director Kash Patel, was rumored to ponder submitting his resignation over the matter (he didn’t, eventually falling in line). GOP members of Congress are pissed at Trump, with House Speaker Mike Johnson going so far as to call for their release, although in the squirreliest, most Mike Johnson manner possible:
“But at the same time Johnson publicly called for the files to be released, he opposed a procedural motion advanced on Tuesday by Democrats that would have set up a House vote to release them,” the Washinton Post reported.
Even Congress’ No. 1 MAGA loon Marjorie Taylor Greene is pissed at Trump, warning the president the MAGA faction will face significant blowback if he keeps everything on the DL. Laura Loomer is pissed at Trump and, like many other GO members, she wants Bondi fired. And for the first time in the ratio history of his own social media network, Truth Social users are pissed at Trump. These folks were promised blood, and the president hasn’t delivered.
Why hasn’t he?

Donald Trump, left, and financier Jeffrey Epstein attend a Victoria’s Secret Angels event sponsored by Rogers & Cowan at the club Duvet on 21st Street in New York City on April 9, 1997.Thomas Concordia/Getty Images
Yes.
Okay, well we already know that Epstein himself told author Michael Wolff that Trump was his best friend for a decade and that he told Wolff the president first slept with his current wife, Melania, aboard the now infamous diddler plane. We know Trump’s name is on those flight records. We have photos of Trump chilling with Epstein at one of Epstein’s parties (whether that party got freaky later on isn’t known). And, most damning of all, we also have Trump on the record about Epstein in 2002 in the New York Magazine, calling the then-at large sex offender a “terrific” guy and that, “It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.”
Most telling of all, a woman going by Jane Doe filed a lawsuit against Trump in 2016 for allegedly raping her when she was 13 years old. Doe, who had previously filed another suit under the pseudonym of Katie Johnson, alleged that both Trump and Epstein raped her, which would make Trump part of Epstein’s sordid ring. But just as Doe was about to make her first public comments about the case, her lawyer announced that her client was dropping the suit after receiving threats to her person.
If she dropped the case, then why does that matter?
We know that, given what people who accuse powerful folk of sexual assault have to endure once they make their stories public (Anita Hill and Christine Blasey Ford foremost among them), many would rather drop the charges than be traumatized all over again in both a court of law and the court of public opinion.
Specific to Trump, we know that he’s already been found liable for raping writer E. Jean Carroll in a Bergdorf Goodman’s in the mid-1990s, that he was accused by his former wife Ivanka of raping her (she would later recant), that he was accused by model Stacey Williams of sexual misconduct, and that he was famously caught on tape bragging to Access Hollywood co-puppet Billy Bush about grabbing women by the “pussy.” The man is a proven lech and has gotten away with being one for the entirety of his existence.
That makes his little tantrum over the Epstein affair noteworthy, especially when he now claims that the Epstein files — all of them! — were fabricated:
“Why are we giving publicity to Files written by Obama, Crooked Hillary, Comey, Brennan, and the Losers and Criminals of the Biden Administration, who conned the World with the Russia, Russia, Russia Hoax, 51 ‘Intelligence’ Agents, ‘THE LAPTOP FROM HELL,’ and more?”

Geoffrey Berman, the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, announced charges against Jeffery Epstein in New York City on July 8, 2019. Epstein was charged with one count of sex trafficking of minors and one count of conspiracy to engage in sex trafficking of minors.Stephanie Keith/Getty Images
Sounds like he’s a little shaken.
That’s because he TOTALLY did it.
So why aren’t Democrats hammering Trump over this?
You’ve met Democrats, yeah? You also saw Bill Clinton’s name on those flight logs, too. Also, in a long-gestating bit of irony, it’s likely that Democratic leaders are frightened that bringing up the Epstein files over and over again will make them look like kooks.
Would it?
What does it matter? You know how Trump rose to power? BY BEING A F—KING KOOK. All day, every day. Being relentlessly crazy is how you win now. Democrats won’t do it. And from what I’ve seen so far, the mainstream media won’t, either. Much of Epstein files coverage I’ve seen from the New York Times and Washington Post has been below the fold and about how the files have created a rift between Trump and the MAGA movement. That’s an awfully roundabout way of covering what really could be, at long last, the scandal of the century. A scandal that really does bring down everyone involved in it.
Will it?
Only if you and I keep it circulating. So embrace your inner kook and scream RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES at everyone you see: your friends, your local representatives, your social media following, and the milkman. The longer this story sticks around, the harder it becomes to ignore. That’s why Trump wants everyone to shut up. The man’s hands are so filthy, you can’t even see visible skin.
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Recent Tay-Math: 14, 9, 6
This is funny, because I’m a person leaning towards prose and the pretty things, and with some fair disdain for numerals. No, numbers aren't pretty, you can't convince me otherwise!!. I also once said that I’ll never be that type of Swiftie, who constantly does the mith-math and such to predict dates. Yet here we are! Look what she made me do! 😩
I’ve examined songs on TTPD, as well as posts on this year’s TN instagram, and I think I’ve noticed some striking themes. If you think that this sort of stuff is too wishy-washy, I’m all sympathetic. I just unearthed so many pieces of evidence, that I found it too hard to continue my wilful ignorance. So, here we go!
Ok, so the first number I’d like to examine here is:
14
When Taylor released TTPD, many were shaking their heads over her choice of lead single with Fortnight. She always seems to blunder those. Or does she? I’d venture, that she didn’t try too hard to select a radio viable song. She selected a MISSION STATEMENT.
14 is the number of days in a fortnight. The song of the same name contains so many hints at what’s awaiting us, and how she intends for her plan to unfold. Incidentally, she just recently moved to Florida? How curious!
Funnily enough, it all might already have started with the previous era, Midnights!
You’re Losing Me, the final Midnights song to be released runs for 4:37min. The number constellation makes it very easy to immediately spot a big, fat 14. Coincidence? To help you along with maybe having more faith in a true connection: YLM was initially only availeble on CD, but was released for streaming on November 29. That's two 11s, pointing towards TS11, now fondly know as The Tortured Poets Department.
Then, TTPD itself was released on April 19th (or 19/04). 1 + 9 + 4 just so happen to add up to… you guessed it! 14!
loml. Oh, dear, tragic loml with it’s crushing double meaning. With a runtime of 4:37min, it matches You’re Losing Me, and also adds up to 14. Hey, I got an idea! Maybe Fortnight is actually her plan to turn the loss of her life back into the love of her life?
Let’s leave it at this for the primer, and look at some other numbers before checking out some more telling patterns later.
9
Surprised? 9 seems a lot less intuitive then 14 maybe. It’s not really a number Taylor is known for, but it really has caught my attention lately. My theory is, that she picked it due to its meaning in numerology, which entails completion, but not finality. How that’s relevant will become clearer as we proceed with this analysis.
Let’s start with how 9 is all over TTPD runtimes:
But Daddy I Love Him. 5:40min
Guilty as Sin? 4:41min AND it’s track 9 on the album!
Imgonnagetyouback. 3:42min
TSMWEL. 4:05min
Fresh Out The Slammer. 3:30min (3 x 3)
The Albatross. 3:03
This all is at least a little odd, isn’t it?
Let’s move on to the next one, before making sense of them together.
6
Not too much going on in terms of runtimes, but there’s Fresh Out The Slammer (3:30), and The Albatross (3:03) which work double time with very neat and pretty obvious number constellations. Track number 6 on TTPD is But Daddy I Love Him.
It’s another number that’s not super intuitive from a Swiftie perspective, but if we look at numerology, the number 6 is associated with love and harmony. What more does Taylor ever want?
… Oh, and I guess number 6 IS something we are looking out for recently after all! At least when we are on Clownelia Street, searching for any Rep TV hints! Sorry, my bad. Almost forgot 😉
Now this is where it gets more interesting and specific: 9 and 6 are very often associated together.
6 & 9
Here is where it all starts to come together, but also get a bit complicated.
You may or may not have heard of the app Stationhead, where TN hosts listening parties every now and then. If so, you also may or may not have read about my blabbering about some weird playlist, some weird song that keeps cutting off, but sometimes plays in full, and it’s all oh so confusing? If not, maybe check it all out, because I can’t keep repeating this rather intricate stuff here.
LONG STORY SHORT,
Listeners were recently given a riddle to solve (no, no one was told it was a riddle, we had to figure it out ourselves that something was mega fishy…), and I believe to have guessed the correct answer. A combination of truncated and complete versions of This Love that played over the course of a FORTNIGHT, seems to indicate a date: 6/9/2024.
June 9th. That very day, Taylor performed Edinburgh N3. The surprise songs were
It’s Nice To Have A Friend x Dorothea
Haunted x Exile
As it wasn’t entirely clear from the code, I also looked up September 6th, but other than a fairly uneventful date with Travis, she didn’t do much… besides wearing a top called “No Promises” 😂
Anyway, June 9th 2024. So, she probably wants us to look at these super interesting songs that she played then. But what’s more, if we go back a year, she also performed on that exact date in Detroit, with the surprise songs
1. I Almost Do
2. Haunted
Haunted. Again. On the same day, two years in a row.
Fun fact about Haunted: It’s runtime is 4:05min. That adds up to 9.
Another fun fact: She paired Haunted with Exile twice. June 9th AND February 25th in Sydney. What do 2 + 2 + 5 make? 9? Oh, sweet mother of Swifties! I swear, had I realised these number games and their meaning back then, I would have won Mastermind all the time!
Oh, and before I forget:
As I mentioned, But Daddy I Love Him is track 6 and has a runtime that adds up to 9
Guilty as Sin? has a runtime that adds up to 9, is track 9 on the album, but track 6 on the Stationhead default playlist on the Swifties Channel… Sorry if that’s not something you’ve been keeping up with. Just wanted to mention it.
[I find it very poetic how these two songs both incorporate the June 9th idea, almost like they are trying to say “Ok, I’m finally rolling the stone away, because, Daddy, I Love Dorothea!!!”]
And don't forger about The Albatross and Fresh Out The Slammer, which both have runtimes simultaneously equal 6 and 9. Maybe Jack's delight over FOTS trending was a bit telling, too?
OK, so we’ve got plenty of June 9th flags, and she’s been acting sus about it two years in a row while on Eras Tour. What are the chances, that it’s gonna be another important day this year? Perhaps, it's the very day whatever she’s been hinting at for two years comes to fruition? We’ll look at the bigger picture in just a moment, but first a super quick nod to another number I was not explicitly planning to write about:
12
It doesn’t get a lot more self-explanatory than that. TS12. Most likely. And we know it’s coming. So, I don’t really want to dwell on it too much, but it is being mentioned over, and over, and over again. And I find it interesting what TTPD can tell us about TS12.
Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? runs for 5:34min. Which adds up to 12
Robin is track 30 and runs for 4:00min. 3x4 = 12
I Hate It Here runs for 4:03min, another 12 via multiplication.
I think, these tracks might very well hint at what themes we can expect in TS12.
So far so good.
Now, let’s shake up this format a bit. I’ll pick some posts and pick them apart for you, pointing out some fun “coincidences”. Here it goes:
On January 13 (1 + 13 = 14) TN asked for photos of “secret” Eras memories. Perhaps, the secret to be revealed has something to do with the rainbow-coloured bracelet she’s wearing? And the 14 refers to what I'd like to call the "Fortnight Battle Plan."
Consider this:
The main part of the Stationhead riddle played out for a fortnight.
The AMAs (May 26th) are to take place a fortnight after the riddle’s conclusion.
June 9th is a fortnight from the AMAs
These are all Mondays. A day mentioned in Fortnight, the song.
Other significant aspects of the “Fortnight Battle Plan”:
Have I told you of the news about Tayvis moving to actual Florida!!! recently?? Oh, I guess I have. Anyway. Not sus at all!
Moving on.
We got more of the same song and dance on January 15th (15 - 1 = 14). They evoked the “secret" gardens from I Hate It Here. Secrets, secrets, secrets… to be revealed after a (metaphorical) fortnight? And I Hate It Here—as we previously discussed—maybe hint at themes in TS12.
On February 12th, TN celebrated four years of Love Story TV. Perhaps because after a fortnight (2 + 12 = 14) the real love story might be revealed? Perhaps in TS12 (12th)? And by the by: Love Story, the original single, was released in 2008, on September 15 (9 and 5 +1 = 6).
Let me pull up another post that was working overtime:
The Lover Cardigan.
Set to Lover, posted on January 23rd at 12(!!)pm, this post advertised the cardigan, which would be available for 72 (7+2 = 9) hours until January 26th (2 + 6 + 1 = 9).
Here comes one of my favourites:
On April 16, TN blessed us with 6 phone wallpapers. The way the lines of words are arranged on the wallpapers is interesting: 8, 12, 5, 4, 8, 9. Arguably, it’s 8 for Karlie, 12 for TS12, 5 + 4 = 9, and then another 8 and another 9. The one with five words says: “Nobody noticed my new aesthetic," and the one with four words: “You already know, Babe.” Because if you KNOW to add the 5 and 4 together… you LITERALLY already know, Babe! 🤣
With this one, I noticed something funny with the dates:
On January 24th, TN posted about the special Spotify events in Jakarta, Manila, and Seoul. Two of these events would take place on January 26th (and 2 + 6 + 1 = 9), while one was set to happen on February 7th: 2 + 7 = 9.
For Valentines Day (Feb 14th), TN released Tortured Heart stickers for instagram stories. On the Second slide, there are 9 hearts and 6 side effects listed. They mention their “alchemist”. The Alchemy is track 15 on TTPD (1 + 5 = 6).
One last, although there are many, many, MANY more to choose from (but this post is already way too long):
To celebrate one year of TTPD, TN posted a video. The post got published at exactly 9h 00min and 06sec.
So yeah...
I could go on and on, but let me leave you with one last observation:
TN’s number of posts for each month is quite curious as well.
They posted
9 times in January
12 times in February
8 times in March
And 14 times in April.
… just saying… 🤷♀️
Alright, that’s it from me. Feel free to have some excellent fun inspecting insta posts and stuff yourself! It’s a real hoot 😂
Ciao now! 👋
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