#cue generic sitcom intro

[tvitrickster]

Theres two kinds of People.

I want to move to Canada, because my Dad used to go there a lot, I heard its amazing, I love the Cold and I really wanna go there once in my Life.

Harlow wants to move there to adopt a Racoon.

goin 2 canada for new years, YEET

[anachronistic-falsehood]

ok. was thinkin about this during my workout. here's a concept for what genloss could have been if it stuck with the retro analog horror and the distortion of reality concept we THOUGHT we were gonna get

it's a sitcom. the title for the show is something generic and very nineties. the first ep of genloss is a 20-40 minute tv episode of this 90s sitcom. it's actually scripted and it's got some funny goofs and jokes and it's very 90s. ranboo is the awkward main character, like think 90s nerd archetype, and charlie is his outgoing but also kinda nerdish friend. they've been invited to Cool Guy Sneeg's house for a party or something and frank (played by a living breathing person) is his roommate (oh my god they were roommates). the characters from ep 2 of genloss are also there!! it's very simple easy to digest funny haha 90s sitcom!! there are some things that are Off but not acknowledged. ranboo wearing the mask for unexplained reasons. charlie walks into the room eating a bowl of what may or may not be red jello, but never says what it is. niki is crying in a corner somewhere and no one comments on it. ethan mentions that he wants to go home but can't because he's being told to stay here, and he's seen lying unconscious in the background in the next scene. the characters go to watch tv, and the screen has a lot of wires sticking out the back of it, tangled up in each other, making it so there's really no logical way this tv could ever actually work. all that's on screen is static. but they react like it's a show. just. little things that make it Slightly Unsettling. end credits roll.

episode 2!! begins the exact same as the first one. ranboo and his silly funny friend charlie are on their way to their good friend sneeg's house!! they enter and sneeg looks offscreen to talk to frank. there's just a skeleton sitting on the couch. ranboo's mask flickers off for a brief moment and they ask "hey, where's frank?" sneeg points to the skeleton and says "what are you talking about? he's right there." the mask turns on before ranboo can say anything else about it. niki is not just crying in the corner, she is actively sobbing and wailing and still no one cares. ethan is no longer there. austin is there to replace him. he's wandering around scared and confused, demanding to know where ethan went and where the heck he is and when he can leave. no one cares. he runs off. you can see his leg poking out from behind the couch in the next scene. no one cares. charlie is actively eating something that is clearly not just red jello. no one cares. sneeg carries around frank and talks to him like he's a person. No One Cares. ranboo's mask flickers on occasion so he can see what's really happening, but he can barely say anything before it turns back on again. the characters sit down to watch tv. static fills the screen. more wires stick out of the back of the tv and curl around the table it's perched on. it looks almost like it's trying to take some kind of form, but it's hard to tell what it is at this point. ranboo's mask turns off, and he has just enough time to say "this isn't right" before it's on again. end credits roll. austin's name isn't in it.

episode 3!! cue fun intro music! ranboo and his good friend charlie are on their way to their good friend sneeg's house for a fun little party! frank is gone. mask off. ranboo asks "where's frank?" sneeg asks "who's that?" mask on. jerma is there with his good friends rae and sykunno! sykuno doesn't speak a single word. rae is gushing over how fun the party is. the punch in her cup stains her teeth red. mask off. there's a tombstone in the backyard with the name frank on it. ranboo comments on it. jerma steers him away and offers him a glass of punch. ranboo doesn't want to drink the punch. jerma insists. mask on. niki is grabbing people's shoulders and screaming. mask off. ranboo asks if she's okay. she cries in relief and says she wants to live, begging him to help her. mask on. they go inside. her corpse is sprawled across the floor. no one says a word. mask off. ranboo is still holding his punch. charlie's jello(?) stains his teeth, his shirt, his hands. he stands in the corner and stares at the mess of himself. he tells ranboo he wants to go home. ranboo says "yeah, yeah we can go home. let's go, let's go." he makes for the door. jerma offers them more punch. ranboo declines. there's punch in his hand anyway. when did he take it? they turn on the tv. the wires are accumulating into a vaguely humanoid shape. there's a still image of an eye on the screen, crackling with static. the eye blinks. ranboo sprints out the door with charlie. they go back home, to their cabin in the woods. why do they live in a cabin? they don't even know. they think they've escaped, but we as the audience, can still see them. it's still part of the program. they both go to bed, tired and afraid. the lights blink out. the camera turns to the tv in their house. it's got wires hanging out the back of it. there's static on the screen.

[hopekiedokie]

Mall is Life | INTRO : She’s Broke, He’s Broke, We’re All Broke!

Summary: Your dad thinks it’s best for you to pay off the credit card that you just maxed out. Meaning, it’s time for you to finally get your very first job…at the mall. As a true blue spoiled daughter from a very rich family, what could possibly happen? Form a labour union and overthrow the oppressive government with 7 other underpaid and overworked guys??? Or maybe just form a bond with them and have the best time of your life?

Pairing: bts x reader

Genre: mall!au, lowkey a sitcom, fluff, eventual angst, and a whole lot of pure crack

Word count: 5.3k+

Notes: As I’m doing final rewrites for this, I overheard my co-teacher call one of our students a “crack” and I honestly have never related hard to a student. Anyways, transferring this from gdocs to tumblr took sooooo long. I literally aged 10 years. I didn’t think writing in this style would be such a pain so I really do hope you enjoy this! Keep safe and hang on while the world still seems like it’s on its way to destruction.

Posted on: 8th of Jan, 2021

— • masterlist | Character Guide | INTRO | next • —

Red

Red is all you see.

Your vision has been clouded by the colour red since the moment you stepped inside the mall.

Sale season is upon you and red tags are everywhere!

Buy one get one for a girlfriend sized “boyfriend t-shirt”, a free cookie if you get 7 drinks, 5% off on your next purchase from Kucci and… Gasp! 75% off for a light sabre handheld immersion blender???

Do you even cook or watch Star Trek or whatever it’s called? Heck no.

bUT IT’S MORE THAN HALF OFF and it looks cool so might as well get it.

Right?

You saunter off towards the sights of free or marked down signs to start making damages.

“Ehem.”

The sound of your best friend, Taehyung’s voice, freezes you in place and you feel like a kid caught in the act of stealing a candy.

Literally, you have both your hands in front of you with your mouth open and watering.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” His hands are placed on his hips, like a slightly inconvenienced Karen.

“Oh, uh...I was just, you know!? About to admire the general splendour!”

He was like, ya right sweetie.

“Shut up. This isn’t a Jane Austen book.”

Well, one can dream.

And lowkey, you were kinda expecting him to not get the reference.

…or even understand what you just said.

Damn.

You really need to give Taehyung some credit.

He is after all, your best friend and that is an achievement in itself.

“Focus, y/n. FOCUS. We’re here on a mission, don’t get distracted.”

Ugh, right.

Reality hit you again like a ton of bricks.

“And as if you can afford anything! Unless, you’re in for some service water.”

You scoff hard.

Though he isn’t lying.

See, the thing is, your family is rich.

Like rich 𝑹𝑰𝑪𝑯.

Like “rent a whole stadium for your dad’s morning run” rich

You, alone, though?

ʰᵉ ʰᵉ ʰᵉ

“Sorry, you’re absolutely right. We’re here for one thing only and that is to find a job! We’re not leaving until we get one.”

And that’s what you did for the next two hours

Job hunting

You might be wondering, “If we're so rich then why are we looking for a job?”

Well kids, let me tell you a quick story.

Here’s what happened

A week ago, you had probably the most embarrassing yet most eye opening experience of your life.

You were shopping

(like duh do you have anything else to do?)

And your credit card got…

Wait for it…

…………….

🚫DECLINED🚫

◉.◉

Like, that can happen????

Next thing you know, you’re on the phone with your dad and he is MAD

You don’t even know why he is so pressed about it.

Okay, so you maxed out one of his seemingly endless supply of credit cards.

BIG DEAL.

It’s not like he lost a bunch of money.

Maybe to a normal person, yeah…

BUT to you guys?

Come on! He can earn that money back in like two days.

Besides, he always goes on saying that he'd willingly give everything for you, his one and only princess.

bUT NOoOOoo! He has to teach you to be rEsPoNsIbLe with money! You need to be a 𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏.

"What? You think I'm a money making machine here?"

Well, tbh he kinda is.

"You think money grows on trees?"

Well, technically, money is paper so...ya it kinda does.

"I don't slave around just so you could plunge yourself in all of your whims!"

Uh, actually.

You kinda do though if we refer back to your whole willingly-give-everything-to-you shtick.

So that wasn't real, huh?

ＡＬＬ ＭＥＮ ＤＯ ＩＳ ＬＩＥ.

smh

Taehyung, on the other hand...

Well, his mother’s old but rich sugar daddy just recently passed away and unfortunately all his money and prized possessions were inherited by his one and only beloved son.

All they got was a couple of stupid jewelry, which did allow them to pay for a new (less glamorous) apartment, but still

Eh.

What a complete disappointment.

11+ years of being a sugar baby, all for nothing.

So now it’s back to the slums for the both of them.

Sad reacs for a fallen warrior.

I’m talking about Tae’s mother, not the sugar daddy...

THOUGh rip for him. Uh,,,,

He’ll be missed? I guess???

(1 like of this post = 1 respect for him)

DW about his mother though. She doesn’t seem quite fazed by it.

“This is why if you find a rich old bastard, make sure he doesn’t have any kids. That or have an affair with their kid. Oh well, on to the next one.” She told you and Tae during the funeral.

It’s been three months since.

She’s currently working at a hair salon and also,,,,

Taehyung thinks she’s seeing someone again cause she’s been using her designated “𝑠𝑒𝑑𝑢𝑐𝑖𝑛𝑔” parfum.

WHICH you still don’t know if you should be impressed or be concerned about.

Nonetheless, you respect the hustle of this woman. ✊✊✊✊

Unfortunately, her efforts are still not enough to satisfy their expensive needs so that brings us to the present situation.

Actually, it couldn’t have been more perfect though!

You and your best friend coincidentally just happen to be in the same dilemma.

Kind of

Well, not really

Plus, it’s not really the most pleasant circumstance bUT STILL

The point is, you’re in this together and that’s enough for the both of you.

:’)

“Ugh, this totally blows.” Taehyung says as you both sit on one of the food court booths.

“Which one, us not getting any jobs yet or the fact that we’re hanging at the food court?”

“Get used to it, princess. Honestly, you'll find that the food here isn't as disgusting as you think they are." He says as he fishes for his phone in his man purse.

"Well, at this rate, I won't be able to get used to it since I sTILL haven't found a job. Why are the good stores so demanding? Like, an intensive classroom and in-store training only to have a possibility to get hired??? To think that I'm a loyal Louie Button customer!"

(A/n: This is actually a real procedure for Louis Vuitton, at least in my own experience. But I only applied and never went through with the training cause I figured that it just ain't for me.)

You continue ranting your little heart out about how you could sue these stores for unfair treatment.

Taehyung, though, has long tuned you out and has pointed his full attention to his phone.

This is turning out to be a lot more disastrous than what he anticipated.

So he needs to phone a friend in.

Orrrrr a couple.

He's getting desperate, okay??

The entire spring collection was practically screaming out to him when they entered Kucci.

He's a 𝓚𝓾𝓬𝓬𝓲 𝓫𝓸𝔂 through and through.

He hasn't missed a single Kucci season collection in years.

IN YEARS, PEOPLE!

He can feel his right eye twitch at this blasphemy.

"I'm telling you! These stores are absolutely ungrateful-hEY! Are you even listening??"

"No. I thought that was obvious the second I whipped my phone out."

( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

Rude

He didn't even try to deny it.

"You know, I really don't need you to be mean to me right now."

"Sorry y/n but this…" He lifts his phone up, "is more important right now."

What could possibly be more important than your current problem??

If you don't leave today with any form of productivity, you just might have to sell the entirety of your closet.

And we all know that ain't happening.

"By 'that', you mean?"

His phone vibrates a couple of times, indicating that he just received a bunch of messages.

He instantly opens them, disregarding you once again.

I-

Seriously, thIS bOy!

"Hello???? I'm still here and we're still hideously unemployed!"

He looks up to you with a smile that seems a tad bit too eerie.

Okay, this is somewhat alarming ngl.

"I called in some reinforcements."

Reinforcements... Huh?

What's that supposed to mean?

You stare at him with scrunched brows and mouth slightly agape.

And as if on cue, a male voice rings from behind you.

"Tae! We're here!"

"Jimin! Seokjin hyung!"

Ohhhhhhh

*Looks at the camera*

Them.

♫︎DUN DUN DUN♫︎

For everyone's information, Taehyung grew up a hair away from the poverty line.

He was in his preteen years when their family found success through his mother's sugar daddy.

He didn't grow up rich whICH there's NOthing wrong WiTh THAT.

A person's financial status does not define them.

Taehyung's friends, however, already have a collective definition in your head.

One word

༼ つ ◕◡◕ ༽つ MESS™

♫︎DUN DUN DUN♫︎

A hot mess you are so not willing to become a part of.

Tae keeps them away from you because he knows that they are not the type of people you would associate yourself with.

Which is why you've never met any of them.

...Until today.

♫︎DUN DUN DUN♫︎

Guess being besties with a broke Taehyung means it only makes sense that you finally meet them.

♫︎dUN dUn- ok that's enough of that.

"We got the Code 17 message. I can't believe I'll ever get that from you. This is history, man! We need to celebrate!" Someone says accompanied by what sounds like someone wiping a window.

You look at Taehyung with a very displeased look.

May god and every higher being out there give you strength.

He doesn't even look the slightest bit bothered by what might be one of the boldest crossovers to ever happen.

Also, "Code 17"??? Wth?

"What's wrong? You never ask to meet at the food court… And who's this with--oh." A different, softer voice talks this time.

"You guys remember my bestie, right? Y/n? Well, I think it's time you guys finally meet."

From behind you, Seokjin and Jimin share a slightly wary yet excited look.

Jimin, being the natural people lover that he is, instantly thinks that he's about to have another best friend.

From what he's heard from Taehyung, you two are slightly alike, being a total softie.

So don't be surprised if a montage of things like the two of you going on picnics at the mall garden or watching the premiere of the next Disney movie plays in his head.

Seokjin, on the other hand, being the woman lover that he is, instantly thinks that he's about to score big time.

He's heard a lot about you from Tae but the only thing that stuck (and pretty much the only thing that matters) is that you are HELLA rich.

$ ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕔𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕓𝕒𝕓𝕪 $

So are we even surprised that what he imagines is him breezing through the luxury section of the mall, with his personal butlers in tow, and having everyone swoon at him?

“Y/n,” Taehyung gives you a pointed look as if telling you to be nice. “Meet Seokjin hyung and Jimin, two of my other best friends.”

Alright, you heard that these people work here at the mall.

So you’re gonna have to suck it up if it means being stuck with them for god knows how long.

You just hope they have some level of bearableness.

(Oh and some form of acceptable fashion taste too please, thank you very much!)

As much as you're not in the mood to smile, you still plaster on the sweetest one you can muster and turn around to face the two----

Oh

(o.O)

oh oh oh oh ho ho ho ho

Hello

hELLO indeed.

One of them has a white button up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, black slim fit trousers, and a brown newsboy cap like a cherry on top.

He's also wearing a brown apron with a small name tag that says 𝓙𝓲𝓶𝓲𝓷.

The other guy's more casual with his baby pink t-shirt, french tucked into his black ripped skinny jeans.

Personally, you wouldn’t really call them amazing outfits…

bUT SWEET BABY JESUS ARE THEY DOING THINGS.

GREAT THINGS

(Tbh maybe it’s their handsome faces that do it for you)

"Hi, I'm Jimin! It's very nice to finally meet you."

He extends his hand and you take it in a heartbeat because my god that smile.

Wooooooooooo

Now, that's what greets you into heaven.

"Tae says a lot of good things about you and I think- oof."

Cute pink shirt guy (rudely) shoves him to the side.

Jimin almost topples to the ground and it makes you want to stand and check up on him.

The poor cutie.

For some reason, you feel like Taehyung and pink shirt guy get along well.

"AND I'M Seokjin!"

This time, Seokjin swiftly takes your hand without any warning which leaves you feeling flustered.

“Umm… Nice to meet you..?” You manage to politely croak out.  

He gives your hand a kiss and then drops you a sultry wink.  

Thank god you're sitting right now.  

You'd be a lying fool to say that that didn't make your knees weak.  

But ngl, that’s a face that definitely greets you into hell.  

Like, no offense to his handsome face but you are sure there’s something completely devious going on underneath.  

No one can change your mind on that.  

"OKAY! Enough introductions, we’ll have plenty of time for that later... Where are the others??”  

“Hoseok hyung said that he's with Jungkook and they're on their way to get Namjoon hyung." Jimin says as he fixes his hat that slightly slid off.  

"Well, they better hurry!"  

Taehyung DEFINITELY did not have any reasons to cut your introductions off.  

He just did not like how you are practically drooling over Jimin and Seokjin.  

He’s nOT JEALOUS OR ANYTHING  

It’s just...  

It’s not like you’ve never been close to any hot guys before.  

Uh hello???  

HE’S HOT  

And you’re with him 24/7

Wait…  

Do you even think he’s hot???  

Okay now that’s a thought he never considered before.  

Damn bro  

Now Tae’s having an existential crisis…  

anD hE’s dEfiniTEly NOT jEALous!!!  

ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ  

"WE'RE HERE!"  

All four of you direct your heads to the sound of a new voice and you start to think that Taehyung might actually be playing a joke on you.  

Come on!  

THREE 👏  MORE 👏  HOT 👏 GUYS  👏

???  

This can't be real.  

This is literal heaven!  

Gasp!  

Are.  

You.  

DEAD?!  

Maybe you're right about Jimin being what greets you into heaven!

It all makes sense.  

“Dude, we came as soon as we could. We even pulled Namjoon out of his rabbit hole.” The handsome one wearing a sports jersey says. 

“This better be important. I didn’t even get to ask permission to take a break! I’m supposed to be stocking utensils right now.” The handsome one wearing an atrocious outfit of a bright blue shirt and a much brighter yellow pants chimes in.  

The handsome one wearing loose fitting jeans, a plaid button up and a black t-shirt underneath just stayed at the sidelines not saying anything.  

Out of all of them, you think he’s the most stylish one.  

Your eyes meet while you are assessing his outfit but he instantly looks away.  

A noticeable blush blooms on his cheeks and you almost swoon.  

Awww he’s extra cute.  

“Yeah, cause organising cutlery is more important than a friend in a literal crisis.” Taehyung says in a sarcastic tone.  

“So what are we doing here?”  

“What is this ‘crisis’ you are referring to?”  

“Yo, who is she?”  

Namjoon, Jin, and handsome jersey boy all talk at the same time.  

Ugh you need a massage.  

Being surrounded by these broke handsome men is making you lightheaded.  

“This is Y/n. You know, my other best friend.”

“Oh, your money buddy.” Handsome jersey boy butts in.   

Uh EXCUSE YOU, WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?  

You scoff hard and loud.  

Taehyung clears his throat and you thought he was going to make a comment defending you or something.  

Oh honey, you are wrong.  

Because for the nth time today, he just brushes you off.  

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Anyways, Guys, meet Y/n. Y/n, this is Hoseok hyung, Namjoon hyung, and Jungkook.”  

You didn't think it'd be possible but for the first time ever, you so badly want to rip someone's hair out.  

And not just someone, it's Taehyung.  

Normally, a sassy, moody, rude boy Taehyung doesn’t affect you at all.  

But then again, his negative vibes were never really directed to you.  

And given the current circumstance, you’re also not in the best mood as well.  

So you aren't as inviting as you usually are when you shook hands with the three boys.  

Somehow, even their overflowing handsomeness did not do anything for you now.  

Your presence, however, did something to the three boys.  

AND I MEAN A LOT.  

Confused, attracted, intimidated, confused, in awe, slightly scared, nervous, confused, hungry…  

What? Hoseok hasn’t had lunch and coincidentally, he started feeling his tummy rumble when he looked at you.  

…..  

Fun fact: Hoseok is DEFINITELY NOT A CANNIBAL NOR HE EVER PLANS ON BEING ONE.  

If ever you were thinking...  

“Okay, so here’s the sitch.” Tae starts to explain your situation and everyone listens to him intently.  

Little did you all know, the final member of the friend group just arrived at the food court and is now walking towards where you all are.  

It wasn’t difficult to spot your group with Namjoon’s obnoxiously brightly coloured towering self and the few girls hanging around.  

Probably Jimin’s fanclub.  

“And so, here we are!” Tae finishes, keeping everyone updated.  

"Wow, so you two are looking for an actual job? Like, here? At the mall??" A very baffled Seokjin asks.  

Tae rolls his eyes.  

"Yes. Is that really hard to believe?"  

"Actually, yes. It is."  

Another male voice is heard coming from someplace.  

“Yoongi hyung!”  

Oh great! Another one.  

Surely, this guy’s not that interesting.  

I mean, what are the fricking odds that he’s also an immaculate being??  

You turn around and your mouth drops to the floor.  

No no no no no.  

No way!  

Another freaking gOOD LOOKING GUY HAS WALKED UP TO YOUR GROUP.  

Okay, this is getting unbelievable now.  

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?  

Like, where and how on earth did Taehyung manage to get and round up SIX insanely good looking guys??  

What is this? Are you on The Bachelorette??

Wait no   

It's like Oprah!  

And instead of cars, she's giving away handsome men

You get a hot Asian man, you get a hot Asian man, you all get a hot Asian man!  

OR MAYBE  

Are you on MTV Punk'd?????  

Statistically speaking, a hot guy can have two or maybe three equally hot best friends

BUT SIX???   

ARE YOU KIDDING?  

Is Taehyung like Thanos? Collecting the six infinity stones?  

Thanos? lol.  

If anything, he's more like Henry VIII with his six wives.  

“So you guys didn’t even wait for me, huh?”

Yoongi, oh so casually, just takes a seat beside you   

Without even giving you a single glance or whatnot.  

“I didn’t know you'd be here at the mall today?”  

“Yeah, what are you doing here?”  

Yoongi raises an eyebrow. “It’s a free country, I can be here whenever I want to be.”  

Well, can’t argue with that logic.  

The mall is practically your second home at this point.  

“... Also… uTunes is hiring and uh… I’m applying...”  

You don’t understand why but everyone else looks either shocked or annoyed at Yoongi’s announcement... 

Are you missing something here?  

“Man, you need to give it up! That place can suck it.”  

Yoongi gives Seokjin one of the scariest glare you’ve ever seen.  

It could rival against your dad’s famous death glares that he gives to his incompetent subordinates.  

Namjoon shakes his head disapprovingly, “You’re applying there again?? I can’t believe it.”  

Yes, again.  

This is going to be the seventh time he’s applying at uTunes Records, the most popular music shop there is.  

So many people flock to it even though we’re already in the digital age.  

But he doesn’t question it.  

All he cares about is getting a job there because the employees get to play their own music in the store.  

Do you know how much of a popularity boost that is?  

A CRAP TON.  

On top of that, one of the employees gets a chance to get signed by a record label every year.  

And if you're not awarded by that chance, you can still meet agents and get signed through their many parties.  

Because of that, so many people also apply for a job there.  

But they unfortunately have such high standards which is why even after three years, he still hasn’t passed their vibe check.

"Listen, seven's a lucky number. I have great feelings about this one. Besides, I've built up a strong résumé. Winning one of uTunes' own rookie dj contests must mean something, right? They can't not take me!"   

Wow.  

You've only known Yoongi for a solid three minutes, but you can already tell that he's quite passionate about this.  

"Hyung, all we're saying is that maybe you should consider doing something else? You could do so much more than run after that store." Jimin says and pats Yoongi's hand a couple of times.  

"All of you perfectly know getting a job there could quite possibly set my music career!"  

"Is that really it? Or is it because of a certain Daphne??" Seokjin teases him.  

The rest just mutters an "ooh" or an "aah".  

You seem to have been turned into an accessory.  

You so cannot relate to anything they've talked about since Yoongi came. 

It's like you're at one of your dad's social gatherings and all you can do is smile and nod.  

"ANYWAY," Yoongi interjects in their teasing. "So Tae, you're also looking for a job?"  

Jeez FINALLY.  

Something you can talk about that involves you.  

It felt like you were just back home watching some random show that doesn't require your input.  

Taehyung gives an overly dramatic heavy sigh.  

"Unfortunately, yes. Y/n and I both need one badly. But all the stores had been rejecting us left and right. Like, the audacity!" Taehyung rants all over again.  

Jimin, listens to him intently as if he hasn't heard all of this before.  

Seokjin seems to have been entertaining the surrounding ladies for a while now.

[by giving some ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎ and some (•̀ᴗ-)☞  ]  

Across the table, Namjoon complains to Hoseok about getting in trouble with his boss.  

Jungkook, well, he's just staring at the beautiful pizza this kid next to you guys is eating. (Someone's hungry too, okay?) 

While Yoongi just openly stares at you.  

Welp.  

What the frick are you supposed to do now?

Is Taehyung or anyone going to properly introduce you two?   

No???  

Okay fine.  

Seems like you're gonna have to get used to doing things on your own.  

You smile at him and timidly hold your hand out.  

"Uh hi. I'm Y/n. I don't know if Tae's ever mentioned me to you before but--"  

"Oh, trust me. He's mentioned you plenty. He actually never shuts up about you."  

ʰᵉʰ  

Ok  

You don't really know if he was stating that as a fact or if he's trying to be mean…  

"Oh ha ha… That must be really annoying then."  

"Yeah, it is actually."  

Your small polite chuckle died down your throat.  

Wow and you thought Taehyung can be rude.  

hE'S STILL JUST STARING.  

"Uh…" You finally lowered your hand that he obviously isn't going to shake.  

That is definitely going in your top 10 most embarrassing moments ever.  

God, can someone get you away from this guy?  

What's his problem?  

"SO, can any one of you help us? Like, any tips or something?" Tae concludes his really long and repetitive rant.  

Everyone's eyes FINALLY focuses on Tae again.  

Seokjin snorts loudly.  

Eww.  

He opens his mouth to say something but Tae immediately holds his hand up to stop him.  

"Anyone except you hyung. I don't think you're classified."  

Everyone laughs to that and again,  

ARE YOU MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING HERE?  

Seokjin raises one finger like he's trying to make a point. "If anyone is classified to give tips on how to get accepted, it's me!"  

"Yeah, just not on how to last on one." Namjoon loudly whispers to Tae.  

"HEY I HEARD THAT!"  

Ohhh….  

So,  

Does he constantly get fired from a job?  

Well, that's just sad.  

Hopefully you don't end up like him.  

😳  

"Actually," Hoseok starts, "how do you end up landing on so many jobs? Like, don't they know your reputation?"  

And that's your cue to finally insert yourself in the conversation.  

"Uh, what reputation?"  

"Sweetheart, you don't really want to know! It's not that big of a deal." Seokjin quickly steers you away from the topic but the other guys didn't allow it to happen.  

"Oh, you know. Just that, he's known to be the "job eater" here. Cause he pretty much eats a job and moves on from it in a flash." Namjoon graciously fills you in.  

So you were right.  

That's kind of impressive though…  

But a huge waste.  

"Still! It makes me very much qualified to give the unemployed a tip!"  

"Save it hyung, you might need it for your next job once you get fired from Uncle Aang's."  

Seokjin gives everyone a sheepish smile.  

What's that about?  

It almost looks as if he…  

"YOU GOT FIRED ALREADY?!"  

"Oh you bet I did."  

To be fair, how could he not stop himself from eating the free samples? Those pretzels are literal drugs.  

"You just got that job four days ago. I can't believe it!"  

"I can believe it." Yoongi says out loud.  

Can't he say anything nice?  

"Whatever! Point is, these stores still hire me no matter what."  

"You know what, that is a good point." Taehyung mutters, slowly turning convinced by Seokjin.  

Namjoon groans. "Are you for real Tae? If you want some job advice, maybe ask one from us who has only had one permanent job all throughout."  

"Guys, let's give Seokjin hyung a chance!" Jimin, ever the sweet positive boy, suggests.

"Of course you would say that."    

Not wanting to fade into nothingness, you insert yourself again in the conversation.  

"I want to hear what he has to say."  

Once those words left your mouth, you instantly regret it.  

A.) Seokjin gives you another wink and gives you a flying kiss that has you weak in the knees again- I MEAN WHAT. I SAID NOTHING.  

And B.) Yoongi is clearly not a fan of you sharing your opinions with the group.    

Despite the obvious protests of Namjoon, Seokjin still gives his number one "professional" advice  

And that is to have a perfectly 𝒉𝒊𝒈𝒉 𝒒𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 résumé.  

"A high quality résumé? YOU? What the fuck are you talking about?" Yoongi says, slightly amused and slightly tired of the older guy's shenanigans.  

"Don't believe me? Fine. But I'm telling you, it's all here on paper!" Seokjin takes out a folder from his backpack and waves it around.  

Namjoon immediately snatches it from him  

"5 pages long?? Are you for real?”  

Seokjin hums and watches smugly with a cocky grin as the guys read through his résumé.  

“Hang on, since when did you do balloon modelling?”  

"I don't."  

Hoseok gasps. "But bro, isn't that lying?"  

"Yeah, duh! How else are these people gonna hire you? You have to sell them what they're looking for."  

"What if they ask you to use these skills that you clearly don't have?"  

"Then you're just gonna have to fake it till you make it, baby!"  

Huh  

No wonder he doesn't last long on a single job.  

"And how's that working out for you?" Yoongi presses on.  

"Well at least I get hired, Mr. 7th Time's the Charm!"  

Yoongi is like ��ⁱᵗᵉ ᵐᵉ ⁱ ʷᵒⁿ'ᵗ ʰᵉˢⁱᵗᵃᵗᵉ ᵇⁱᵗᶜʰ (ง'̀-'́)ง  

"That's not really the point of having a job, but I guess, whatever floats your boat, dude!" Hoseok finally sides with Seokjin.  

"So everyone is looking for a job then?" Taehyung realizes, "this is so cool if all of us get hired! We'll all face the real world together."  

"All of us except Jungkook though."  

Who?  

Oh that extra cute shy boy.  

You forgot he's here.  

Boy really hasn't said a word at all.  

"Did ya hear that? All of us are getting jobs!"

"You should get one too!"   

"That would be so cool!"  

"So what do you say? What are your plans Kook?"  

"Guys, don't pressure the kid!"  

The guys talk simultaneously, ultimately kind of pressuring Jungkook to say something before he even thinks about it.  

The table falls silent and everyone eyes Jungkook.  

The guys are like ( ･ิ ͜ʖ ･ิ) and ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)  

Jungkook is like (ʘ ͟ʖ ʘ)  

Then the guys are like (≖ ͜ʖ≖)  

So jungkook is like (¬‿¬ )  

In the end, they are all like 

(☞°ヮ°)☞ ☜(°ヮ°☜)  

And through it all, you are just ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ  

What the heck is going on?  

"Yeah, why not?" Jungkook simply concludes and the guys make various celebrating noises.  

Gasp!  

He can talk???  

"Okay, everyone calm down! Let's wait until after everyone gets hired before we celebrate." Namjoon scolds everyone.  

"Well that might take a while considering Y/n and I can't find one!"  

Namjoon places a comforting hand on Tae's shoulder. "Oh relax, there's like ten thousand stores in the mall!"  

"Actually, there are only 613 stores in the entire mall." Hoseok points out a matter of factly.  

You all look at him dumbfoundedly.  

Aaaand he just stares back at all of you.  

Is this some kind of trivia that you need to know if you work around here?  

Are you gonna have to memorise a lot of facts about the mall???  

Oh, you don't like that.  

Seokjin was the first one to react.  

"Dude?? What the hell?!"  

"I got bored once while I was on a break and counted."

Huh.  

Makes sense.  

Yeah, sure.  

Why not?  

Why wouldn't you just go and count the total number of stores out of boredom???  

…  

THAT WAS A SARCASTIC REMARK IF YOU DIDN'T GET IT.  

"Even if there are 600 stores here, there are only like, 20 good stores that exist!" Tae remarks   

You want to say you can't agree more but you stop yourself because you don't think you can handle another cold stare from Yoongi.  

"Are you perhaps pertaining to the high end stores?" Namjoon muses.  

"Yeah. What else?"  

Jimin's eyes widen in shock. "Hold on. So you two have only been looking at that small section of the entire mall?"  

"Yeah. Why?"  

Yoongi chuckles condescendingly.  

"Bros, you know that saying… 'Beggars can't be choosers'?" Hoseok tries to enlighten you two.  

You and Tae look at each other.  

What an epiphany.  

A very disgusting yet important epiphany.  

"Are you… Are you guys saying that… We need to find a job… Outside of that section??"  

They all nod.  

Ughhhhhhh  

You and Tae make an annoyed sound.  

"Welcome to the real world, peasants!" Seokjin warmly tells you.  

Could things get any worse?  

"Hey, at least we'll all be here together!"  

Ha ha 

Great . Awesome. Wow.

"Well, on that note, I really need to get back to work. Lady and gentlemen, may the odds be ever in your favour. Good luck!"  

Namjoon stands and walks away.  

One by one, the other working guys went back to work as well, leaving you unemployed slackers.  

Hey they didn't even give any actual help!  

Wasn't that the reason why Tae called for a… What did they call it?  

Code something something.  

Oh whatever!  

Anyways,  

So to summarize things  

You might end up working at an awful low end store.  

And you're unwillingly stuck with the wrong set of people.  

One of them is a total flirt and an actual pain to society.  

Another one might possibly hate you for unknown reasons.   

This tall dude seems to be really uptight.  

Then there's this guy that seems really weird.

The other one, well… He's cute and doesn't really have any negative points yet BUT you're sure something's wrong with him.   

And the last one literally said one thing during the entire time!  

Oh, you've got a really really long way before you can pay your dad.  

Good luck to you, indeed.   

[funface2]

The Best Jokes from the Alec Baldwin Roast on Comedy Central – Collider.com

To some, Comedy Central’s annual roast is like the Super Bowl of comedy. And this year’s distinguished honoree, Alec Baldwin, makes for a particularly great football to kick around. Not only has he endured as an award-winning film and television star for more than 30 years, but he has survived all kinds of tabloid incidents, from fistfights with photographers, to the embarrassing voicemail he once left for his “rude, thoughtless” daughter. He has also hosted Saturday Night Live, America’s foremost comedy institution, more than anyone else in its history. The point is that Baldwin’s remarkable life offers a lot of material to work with. The Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin airs Sunday night, but Collider was invited to the live taping last week, and with a dais that included acting legend Robert De Niro, transgender icon Caitlyn Jenner and controversial comedian Adam Carolla, you can bet there was plenty of friendly shade thrown and shots fired.

Sean Hayes served as a surprisingly strong Roast Master for the evening, and joining him and the aforementioned trio on stage were doctor-turned-actor Ken Jeong, NBA star Blake Griffin, SNL‘s Chris Redd, Sabrina the Teenage Witch star Carolina Rhea, roast ringer Nikki Glaser, and the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. Plus, there were two surprise roasters, Alec’s daughter, Ireland Baldwin, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who may need to be put down soon, as his shtick is getting a little long in the canine. And yes, that is a tooth joke, for all the dentists who read Collider.

At one point, I thought Lady Gaga was going to roast Baldwin (who introduces Ally’s SNL performance in A Star Is Born), via video, but she was just announcing that she and Comedy Central had a made a cool million-dollar donation to Exploring the Arts, a charity that supports arts funding. That’s always the first thing to go when there are budgets cuts at schools, so it’s a worthy cause, and hey, isn’t that worth it to get Lady Gaga on your broadcast? Methinks so.

Image via Warner Bros.

Glaser brought her A-game, as you’ll see below, but that’s what I expected from a pro. Griffin, on the other hand, dunked on everyone with the kind of confidence that only a jock can muster, and truly surprised me with his ease and timing on stage. I should’ve seen it coming, too, as Griffin once held his own in a roast battle against Ross, who underestimated his competition and was lucky to squeak by the All-Star forward back in the day.

Jenner deserves a medal for what she was put through during this roast, but she gave as good as she got, and went toe-to-toe with some much more experienced roasters. De Niro did his thing, but at that point, he’d been on stage for close to three hours and it was getting late, so the energy — both his and the crowd’s — wasn’t quite there. And Carolla stayed right on brand, using most of his time to rail against #CancelCulture instead of Baldwin. Speaking of whom, when it was Baldwin’s turn for rebuttal, he showed everyone why he won two Emmys for 30 Rock — he can deliver a hell of a zinger.

So put that remote down — remotes are for closers — and check out the #BaldwinRoast on Comedy Central on Sunday night. Here’s a little sneak peek of my three favorite jokes from each roaster. Naturally, parental discretion is advised…

Sean Hayes

“No offense, Blake, but I’m a better ball handler than you.”

“Caitlyn, being here tonight is the bravest thing you’ve ever done, but don’t worry, any parts you don’t like will be cut.”

“Alec once said I was like a brother to him, which is why we haven’t talked in 10 years.”

“Alec, this will be the funniest thing you’ve been a part of that Tina Fey didn’t carry you through.”

Grade: A Hayes made for a surprisingly solid Roast Master and his introductions for each roaster were some of his funniest jokes, especially his intros for Redd and Jenner. I thought he did a good job setting the tone for the evening with his strong opening set.

Nikki Glaser

“Blake, you look like a black guy made by a printer that was running out of ink.”

“Robert De Niro… I can’t believe I get to share this stage with you, and by that I mean the final one of your life.”

“Stevie Wonder sees his sons more than you do, Caitlyn. I mean, even Casey Anthony knows the current location of her daughter!”

“Alec, you’ve had four kids with Hilaria, which is incredible, because isn’t your semen just oatmeal at this point? Oooh, Robert got excited when I said ‘oatmeal!’”

Grade: A Glaser was really the ringer of the evening, as she’s really the only one flexing that comedy muscle every night. It showed, as her set was absolutely vicious.

Image via Warner Bros. Pitures

Ken Jeong

“Chris Redd… just like on SNL, your jokes have been cut for time. Let’s move on! Scroll, scroll, scroll!”

“Alec, you have five kids with two different women. Why can’t you be more like the investors in your films and just pull out?”

“Robert, I’m a great doctor, but even I can’t resuscitate your career.”

Grade: A- Ken Jeong’s jokes alternated between network sitcom and edgy cable series, so to speak. Some were a little corny, but the clever ones really hit the mark, especially Jeong’s delivery of the Redd joke above. Hopefully that one makes its way into the broadcast, which will inevitably leave some punchlines on the cutting room floor.

Chris Redd

“If you wanna hide something from Robert De Niro, just put it on a SNL cue card, because he can’t read that shit!”

“I’m excited to watch an old man figure out trans pronouns in front of a live studio audience.”

“Caroline looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car to meet firemen.”

Grade: B+ Chris Redd got off to a rough start but he recovered and finished strong.

Caitlyn Jenner

“Back in the day, Alec and Bruce were like brothers. That’s one more brother he’ll never talk to again.”

“Adam Carolla is so boring. I’ve never seen a drier pussy in my life, and that’s coming from me. See Adam, women are funny!”

Grade: B+ Jenner closed her set with an inspirational message, telling trans viewers ‘if I’m strong enough to sit up here all night, you can handle anything,” and telling her critics “if you have a problem with that then you can suck my dick… if you can find it!”

Caroline Rhea

“Jeff Ross, you are one fat Jewish man. I feel like you took “Let my people go!” out of context.”

“Alec Baldwin worked as a busboy at Studio 54, where he had to clean up jizz and coke every night. That’s exactly what Nikki looks for in a shampoo!”

“Where are your brothers tonight? God knows they’re not working!”

Grade: B Rhea may have stuck out like a sore thumb on the dais but she held her own onstage and took all the jokes about her weight in stride.

Blake Griffin

“Caroline, if you’re here then Salem the Cat must’ve turned it down. Sorry Robert, I know how much you like black pussy.”

“Caitlyn Jenner’s pussy is so young that Alec just called it a “rude, thoughtless little pig.”

“On behalf of the entire NBA and half the rappers on the Billboard charts, thanks for giving your daughters daddy issues.”

Grade: A Griffin showed his roast experience, dunking on the entire dais, and forcing the industry to wonder, should he be starring in Space Jam 2 instead of LeBron James? Could he be the next Dwayne Johnson or Dave Bautista? The charisma is there…

Adam Carolla

“Ken Jeong showed his dick in The Hangover, and Ken, I haven’t seen a dick that small since I took my nephew ice-fishing!”

“If you were offended tonight, please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog and shut the fuck up!”

Grade: B Carolla works a bit better in longer-form, where he can build up a head of steam. His jokes were good, and I liked how he pushed back against the Comedy Police, but it felt like he left a few punchlines on the table.

Ireland Baldwin

“It’s hard being the daughter of an iconic movie star, but I’m not here to talk about my mother… or her Oscar.”

“It’s nice to be on a runway without starting beef with American Airlines. I mean, why would you start shit with the one place still playing your movies?”

“At least you taught someone the ABC’s!”

Grade: B+ Ireland was the surprise roaster of the night, and frankly, she deserved a few minutes of revenge years after her father left that terribly mean voice mail on her phone. She has grown up to be a beautiful woman, and she showed a lot of poise on stage considering the fact that she isn’t paid to deliver lines, and many other roasters struggled in front of the live audience.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

“I thought Jimmy Kimmel was here but I was just smelling Adam Carolla’s finger!”

“Alec, your fuse is almost as short as Chris Redd’s IMDb page!”

“Alec Baldwin once made an appearance on Sesame Street. It was the only way he could get close to an Oscar.”

Grade: C I’ve gotta be honest… Triumph’s shtick is getting a little old… in terms of both human and dog years. When an actual dog is stealing the show from you, what does that say? 

Image via Warner Bros.

Robert De Niro

“After tonight, Rocky and Bullwinkle won’t be the worst thing I’ve ever done!”

“I was in Goodfellas, and I bet Sean has also been in some good fellas.”

“Comedy Central wouldn’t put Caitlyn Jenner on a roast until after her transition so they could pay her 20 percent less.”

Grade: C+ I just don’t think this was the right format for De Niro, who struggled with the teleprompter. He was OK, but his timing wasn’t 100 percent. Too bad Comedy Central couldn’t afford to de-age him like Netflix. I heard enough Old De Niro jokes to last me a lifetime. The man is the greatest actor ever, and it just felt weird watching everyone tee off on him like that, but at least he’s a good sport!

Jeff Ross

“It’s a Saturday Night Live reunion! Alec Baldwin plays Donald Trump. Robert De Niro plays Robert Mueller. Chris Redd plays Kanye. And Caitlyn Jenner donated the dick in the box!”

“Robert De Niro is a method actor. I just wish that method involved reading the script, Bob!”

“Caroline, you look like the schoolteacher all the kids hide behind during a shooting.”

“Adam, you once said that women aren’t funny. Well, they are, and let me tell you, you should’ve hired some to write your jokes tonight!”

Grade: A- The Roastmaster General was pretty damn great, and his set was consistently good. It didn’t have quite the same highs as, say, Nikki Glaser or Blake Griffin’s, but he didn’t have many stinkers in the bunch, and he definitely seemed to get extra camera time.

Alec Baldwin

“Blake, moving from LA to Detroit is so sad. That only happens when a prostitute’s body is sent back to her family.”

“Nikki, were you the flight attendant I was rude to? What devastating comment can I make that Nikki hasn’t already muttered to herself in front of a mirror at Equinox?”

“Ken, the hardest possible title for you to pronounce is Glengarry Glen Ross.”

Grade: B+ Baldwin got some good licks in when it was his turn to respond, but the roaster is always in a tough position at these things, because we’ve already heard 3 hours of jokes about each individual on stage, so it becomes harder to surprise the audience as the night wears on. Still, for a guy who made ‘Always Be Closing’ famous, he scored as the evening’s closer.

Image via New Line Cinema

Image via NBC

Related Content

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Source link

Bài viết The Best Jokes from the Alec Baldwin Roast on Comedy Central – Collider.com đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/the-best-jokes-from-the-alec-baldwin-roast-on-comedy-central-collider-com/