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im-not-a-l0ser · 2 years ago

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So a while ago I did a poll on who Mark Chasity should date

For some reason, Ted Spankoffski won???? With Gary Goldstein (Attourney at Law) in second place.

Anyway, Officer Bailey made third, and I'd like to make my case for him and my opinion on the rest of the relationships.

I think that Officer Bailey and Mark Chasity would be so cute because they'd balance. Bailey is intense in an overcompensating way, and Mark Chasity is a sweetboi. Like it's such 😠👬😸 and I'm here for it.

I think that they could have a nice, domestic relationship, that Mark could make Bailey open up and be vulnerable.

Now, if you're uncomfortable with shipping characters played by the same guy, worry not! Many of us have decided that the cop in TGWDM (the guy who's not Sam lol) could easily be Bailey. And if that helps, do that. Because I love the idea of them.

Opinions of everyone else under the cut.

Okay, we're gonna talk about how these relationships would go, and I'm gonna go in decending order of who won. Which means:

Ted Spankoffski- I think that maybe it'd be a gay awakening hook-up? Nothing long term for them. Mark doesn't deserve that, honestly.

Gary Goldstein- This I think could be a longer term relationship, where they meet bc of some legal trouble or something like that, and they date for a few months, but Mark is overall neglected by Gary's busy worklife. They have a civil breakup, and maybe even a comforting relationship if they need a shoulder to cry on.

Offer Bailey- I already said, but I will continue to say: Bailey is someone Mark would consider separating Karen for. Someone he can just be with, and who keeps his life interesting without being abusive or rude to him, and who will be emotionally vulnerable with him, even if it's probably only with him. I think of of ever broke up, it would be so bittersweet. I think it would be Mark picking his religion and family over Bailey, and Bailey holding back tears while supporting him because he knows that his family means so much to him and since Bailey may have wanted something like that for so long (imagine him with a little girl omg) he'd understand even more

No one, he will never be happy- Sad, but realistic.

Dan Reynolds (with Action News, weekdays at 10 pm)- He's someone I highkey put to fill slots, so I'm surprised he made 5th. But like... I can sort of see it? Like, I feel like one would flirt with the other, and the other would either not notice or ignore them.

Bill Woodward (tied with Gerald Monroe)- I have mentioned how I think Bill is straight, and how it makes me sad bc I like him and Paul, but it's prolly one-sided. But it would be cute if he were queer. Someone said they met at church, which I love, but I just think Bill is (sadly) straight.

Gerald Monroe (tied with Bill Woodward)- I feel like this would be more of a similar relationship that he'd have with Max’s dad; a not-even-friends with benefits that's out if the public eye because they are bigots who happen to be attracted to men. They would both not treat Mark like a person, and while he might even enjoy that for a short period of time, he would realise that it's unbalanced and would eventually leave like he deserves.

Kyle's Dad- So, we don't know Kyle's Dad, I just thought it was a silly, cute idea. Besides Bailey, it's either Kyle or Jason's dad that I could see, just based on how nice their kids are when given the freedom.

General John MacNamara- Okay, I get it, it's a cute idea. Uh, Jon McNamara is married though and I don't wanna fuck that up.

Other (Put in Tags), AKA President Howard Goodman apparently- I think this is silly, but I actually like it. Especially if he is with Mark during/after his meeting with Wiggly. Because hooo boy, imagine that conversation. A stuck, frozen, breaking down Howie calling his long distance hubby and telling him 'I just met a dark god and almost died,' and Mark doesn't want to belittle his experience or preach in a moment of absolute madness, so he just doesn't know what to do? I see the appeal 100%

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movienotesbyzawmer · 5 years ago

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October 24: Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives

(previous notes: Friday the 13th - A New Beginning)

This, my fortunate acquaintances, is my lovingly prepared gift to you. These words, composed from the heart with precious little advance preparation, are meant to reflect my sincere and scholarly reactions to the Friday the 13th slasher movies of Hollywood, America.

So yeah, I'm watching the Friday the 13th movies and posting my extemporaneous (though cleaned up a bit after the fact) notes. We're at the sixth movie in the series. I caught some of this on cable when I was in high school and I remember telling people it was the worst movie of all time, even though I probably only watched a half-hour middle chunk of it. It's probably much, much better than I'd given it credit for. It's probably so good. It is probably so god damned good. My upper lip is trembling as I engage the “play” functionality on my movie playing device.

So far my favorite thing about it is that it's on the same disc as the previous movie so I didn't have to change discs. Ooh, I bet that means it isn't too long either!

It starts with some quick, effective exposition. It's Tommy and a friend of his, driving somewhere. It's not even the same actor that played Tommy last time, but they are very clear with the dialogue that they have sneaked out of the institution to go to Jason's grave and "send him to hell". The friend has clownish mannerisms. Whenever they want us to think someone's funny, they don't actually use creativity to generate humor. Someone just tells someone to behave the way funny people behave.

Ooh, they came to Jason's grave and dug it up. They open the coffin and hoo boy that is a very maggoty, wormy corpse.

Remember, Jason wasn't even in the last movie in a he's-real way. So the last we saw of him was when younger-Tommy killed him all by himself two movies ago. The acting by this Tommy actor guy is effectively conveying that that was a big deal for him.

Oh my god, the movie just got way worse. In a Shakespearean moment of passion, Tommy stabs the corpse of Jason with a spear-rod-thing that was in the graveyard. But lightning strikes it and it reanimates Jason! Other than being very rot-faced behind the hockey mask, Jason is now the same old Jason we've come to know and love. Clownish guy tries to club him, but Jason just shoves his boney arm through Clownish Guy's body really easily. Tommy runs away…

…and two fast movie references happen. For some reason, a music cue uses that same memorable theme that was used in The Shining that's actually something else; the idea clearly is "we'll use the Shining music in here". It’s Beethoven or something, right? But also, the title happens and is an overt lampooning of the openings of the James Bond series. The whole looking through the gun sight thing, but it's Jason throwing a machete instead of James Bond shooting his gun. This movie comparing itself to those movies is pretty haughty.

Tommy goes to the police, and they don't care what he says, he's trouble! They lock him up! I don't think he mentioned that his friend got killed.

Now a middle-class-looking couple is driving through the woods. The guy is played by Tony Goldwyn whose career as an actor and director has risen well above this movie. Wasn't he like the main guy on the show Scandal? Anyway, he doesn't last long in this movie; Jason blocks their way and stabs the car, and then stabs TG, and then stabs the girl. With a spear, each of them. Probably the one that helped reanimate him.

Uh oh, the cop who locked up Tommy has a daughter who is in a group of camp counselors! They're going to go be camp counselors at a nearby camp! They are flip about the legendary murders! No one will listen to Tommy!

0:19:55 - Here's a twist… the counselors get to the camp and continue to joke dismissively about murder… and a bus arrives full of children! This movie is going to take place when the kids are actually at the camp! We haven't seen that before. Why did I ever say anything bad about this movie.

Nearby there are some corporate business people playing paintball as a work retreat! Jason is watching them. Ch. Ha. One of them we never even see speak to anyone runs into Jason and Jason kills him by grabbing him by the arm and throwing him face first into a tree so hard that his face just liquefies, plus the arm comes off.

So here's what happens next - a group of three paintballers gets killed by Jason who just shows up in front of them and machetes them all in one swipe. But nearby there is another paintballer who we saw a little bit before, and he is a comically bumbling buffoon. Like, when they cast him, they got the ten nerdiest looking men they could find and told them to all act as bumblingly foolish as possible, and they cast the one who was the most bumblingly foolish. But he gets away.

The plot kind of stays around Jason's grave because the gravedigger had come upon the disturbed grave and cleaned it up. He muttered a monologue about making sure no one thought he was a bad gravedigger. Now this movie is comparing itself to Hamlet. So now Tommy tries to convince the cop/dad that his story about Jason is true... but the grave is normal looking and that contradicts Tommy’s story. What a disaster for Tommy. But that gravedigger sure saved face.

0:30:00 - Now it's nighttime and some people are in the woods. There's this new couple, which includes a guy played by a TV personality named Roger Rose that I recognized when I saw this scene back then. It is stunt casting, and yet he is an extremely obscure personality for us in 2020. But also the gravedigger is just wandering in the woods all drunk. Jason kills them all. He's just been using the machete; there's no ingenuity about death types on these last ones. And they're just quick scares. Just kind of unremarkable. Part of what you’re looking forward to if you like these movies is the revelation of how he kills someone, but we’re missing out on so much of that sweet joy.

We return to the camp and see the kids asleep in their barracks. I so dare you to convince me that there is a better word than “barracks” for this room full of kid beds. Anyway, one of the kids, age approximately 7, had fallen asleep reading No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre! What kind of nutty Friday the 13th movie is this anyway.

Young couple doing an odd sex dance to 80s music in an RV. Perfect fodder for Jason. Ch ch ch ch ch! Ha ha ha ha ha! Jason cuts the power cord to the RV so they can't do their sex bop. They are afraid so they drive away, but Jason is inside! The guy is driving and reveling in the fact that he chose loud rock music to listen to as they drive away, but Jason kills the girl by pressing her face so hard into the wall of the RV that it makes an imprint. Then he kills the guy, still driving the car, with a knife right through the head. Very quick edits, minimal gore. The RV overturns but Jason emerges triumphantly.

News of the last bunch of murders has already reached DadCop, and he concludes that Tommy is doing murders in a Jason-esque manner just to "prove" that "Jason" is "real". You can't fool DadCop; he has seen it all before.

One thing I remember noticing back in the 80s is that Jason was invariably shot in a very stark, non-dramatic way. Just a character like the other ones. He's not shadowy or mysterious. Earlier movies achieved more tension by doing POV shots instead of just regular he-is-walking shots.

Tommy and Daughter had a conversation on the phone that sets up that the two of them are going to collaborate on Tommy's plan. Daughter is pretty committed, but also her whole attitude is inappropriately amused. She's smiling about everything like "ooh fun what exciting hijinks are we getting into, whatever it is I'm game".

One of Daughter's counselor friends just got killed. Jason pulled her through the window from outside and twisted her head right off her body. I think Jason is stronger than he's been in other movies.

Daughter and Tommy totally get busted by her father. She thought she could get away with going somewhere but DadCop is too smart for her. No going-somewhere for you, Daughter!

For a second there we saw Jason skulking around the actual sleeping kids, but then he is seen skulking somewhere else. A Little Blond Girl seems to be a little observant about creepy goings-on so she has been complaining, and Jason keeps an eye on that situation ch ch ch ha ha ha.

0:56:45 - Hey, I like this couple of shots! A counselor is reassuringly tucking Little Blond Girl in, and as she stands up, Jason is watching them through the window. Right next to her and very big and visible, but the counselor isn’t facing the window, so she doesn’t see him. She walks through the room and we see Jason through other windows following her, they did a good job.

A couple of minutes of spooky, decently-filmed suspense happens as that counselor is alone and worried. That ends with Jason coming in and Jasoning her. A smear of blood appears on a window, and a moment later her body gets thrown through it in a way that truly looks icky.

Tommy and Daughter came up with a cunning plan to bust out of jail and continue working on Tommy's End Jason Once And For All project. We see the movie's attempt to give them romantic tension, and although it isn't very good, I've probably seen worse. I've seen a lot of movies. I've seen I Love Trouble.

DadCop and two deputies get to the camp just in time because the kids are now without any counselors. The two deputies go separately to search the grounds and one of them gets killed with an arrowhead or something like that in the head, Jason flings it with admirable precision at his forehead. The other one actually found Little Blond Girl who tells him about the scary man. Then the scary man is there! The deputy shoots Jason several times from just a foot away but nothing happens to Jason. Jason grabs the deputy's head and just smooshes it. This exact thing has happened to me several times.

DadCop comes upon Jason and shoots him with a shotgun. That causes Jason to lie down on the ground for 1.5 seconds, then get back up again. DadCop tries this several more times with the same results, then runs away.

The kids are scared and hiding, but one of them has a couple of uninspired wisecracks that I could type out here for you but my fingers won't let me, they know I would regret it, they know me so well these fingers.

Also Tommy and Daughter have arrived and seem to not be unified about how to proceed. While they are working through that difficulty, Jason found DadCop and killed him by folding him at the waist in a way that honestly probably wouldn't be immediately fatal but it looks so awkward that you'd probably just want to be dead, just think how people would stare.

Tommy is on a boat trying to lure Jason into the actual lake where he had drowned, and he has a chain-plus-boulder contraption that he has prepared for the occasion. Also part of the plan involves drizzling some gasoline onto the surface of the water and lighting it. Jason walks into the middle of the lake toward him and Tommy lights the lake on fire. That must be possible because I'm seeing it with my own eyes.

After using their arm limbs to flail at each other, Tommy actually succeeds in throwing the chain-boulder-thing around Jason and anchoring him to the bottom of the lake! But somehow he can't extricate himself from Jason's grasp and very quickly drowns. Also the boat broke in half.

Daughter swims over there to try to save Tommy and Jason grabs at her while still anchored. A series of deliberately unrevealing angles makes it look like she can, and does, start up the boat engine and kill Jason with the propeller. She then drags Tommy to shore and saves him.

But Jason is still anchored down there, we see, and he's alive and looking at the stuff that is in front of his face. That's the end of the movie! I think they sincerely hope that you had a good time watching it, and also they sincerely don't mind if you don't ever think about it again for the rest of your life.

(next: Friday the 13th Part VII - The New Blood)

#Friday the 13th

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