#developing actual understanding >>>>> whatever them cubes supposed to do

[bunabi]

every time I see a flesh cloud & flesh cube tutorial I age 500 years

I get the intention, but if you tell well-meaning artists 'this is the correct shade & highlight for these complexions' those constraints gonna ruin their whole understanding of lighting skin, specifically dark complexions

especially when you get into more advanced stuff like ambient occlusion & subsurface scattering, there are so many exceptions and variables involved, ol 'rb to save a life' foreheads are doing more long-term harm than short-term good 😩

[same-side]

hiiii! i just wanna say, i adore your art. second, im teaching myself to draw and while i can draw simple basics (mouths and sometimes eyes if im lucky), im still a beginner. ive watched many art videos and im still a bit confused on wtf im doing. so i just came here to ask if you had any words of wisdom for beginners? could be anything from what tablets to buy to simple mistakes to avoid. ive read some of the other posts here and have found it all extremely helpful so far! Thx for all you do!!

Hey there! Thank you so much!

I would put a read more but tumblr is broken. I’m trying to cover a lot of varied thoughts in little points, so if there’s anything you would like me to elaborate on or otherwise have questions on, feel free to shoot me an ask or dm me!

General

I think the biggest thing to remember is not to compare yourself extensively to others. A little bit of comparison is healthy... But too much will destroy your confidence, motivation, and take the fun out of art. Particularly if you are comparing yourself to someone older than you (life experience and coordination come into play here) or that has been drawing much longer (practice). 

Additionally... If you’re not having fun (and you’re not getting paid to do it), don’t force yourself. If you find yourself being frustrated or bored with art, don’t force yourself to do it. That’s how you burn out and get art block! This applies to parts of a peice, too! If you don’t feel like drawing a face or a hand today? don’t force yourself to finish it. Come back to it later when you aren’t as frustrated or are getting better results. Even if its a week or a month from now. Honestly, at any given time I have probably ten headless bodies in my drafts. That’s okay! I just come back to them when I’m ready to do the face. And don’t be afraid to abandon something if it doesn’t feel right!

Something that also doesn’t get said enough.... take care of your body! I never knew when I started art, but artists are supposed to do warmup sketches and stretches and muscle exercises! I didn’t do any of this, and i went through a period of a few months where I was drawing for 5ish hours every single day. I developed carpal tunnel from it! So remember to take care of yourself. Take breaks, stretch, remember to eat.

Practice

Practice!!!! Even if its just for fifteen minutes every day. Or twice a week. But if art is something you really want to get good at, you have to put in the time and effort!! You can’t expect to draw an hour per month and be on the same level as someone who draws an hour a day!

I know I say this a lot but I think the biggest thing is just reference! If you don’t know what something looks like, look at a picture of it when you draw it! To go hand in hand with that, though, don’t just copy what you see! Learn from it and apply it! So take, for example, a shoe! pay attention to the way the heel is shaped, the location of the eyelets for the laces... how large the toe is, how steep the top! While you’re at it, look at other styles of shoes as well, and compare them! See what makes it look like a boot versus a trainer! And then the next time you draw it, hopefully you’ll remember all the things you learned the first time around!

I do lots of studies that serve no purpose other than to teach me things! I use referencing/studies to learn about color theory, shapes, and anatomy in a real environment. For example, hands or fabric folds! Oftentimes I’ll do them timed (20 or 45 minutes) so that I don’t fixate on perfecting things, just on the process itself and what I can learn from it. This also helps with getting better acclimated to your software and more coordinated with what you’re doing. Repetitive learning, like with playing sports. 

I’ve realized a lot of people don’t quite understand what a study is? Basically you just look at a photo and try to replicate it so that you can learn about lighting or color theory or textures or anatomy or whatnot. So here’s an example of a timed study.

Additionally, don’t avoid!! We, as humans, have a tendency to avoid things that make us uncomfortable or are difficult. But it will make you a better artist in then end. When I first started, I absolutely hated doing fabric. I felt like I wasn’t good at it. So instead of avoiding drawing clothing, I sat down and did studies and sketches of different kinds of fabric. By the end of this learning period, I became comfortable with it and grew to enjoy it. These days, I adore sketching clothes, and it’s why my pants and shirts and things tend to be detailed instead of stylized in line art. If you don’t like drawing hands because you feel like you aren’t good at it? Sit down, look at a bunch of pictures of different hands, and practice it. By the end, you’ll be more comfortable, you’ll have learned something. Even if you feel like the drawings you ended up with aren’t good, you’ll still have learned, and that’s what matters!

Style

I worked on basics before I tried to develop a style. I made sure to start with a very realistic method at first, so that I could be sure I understood how fabric folds, anatomy, and realistic expressions worked before I tried to stylize them. I think in the long run this approach really paid off for me. It also allowed me to be conscientious of what elements I was absorbing into my artwork. I hear from so many artists that they started drawing when they were younger and into anime or cartoons or things like that, and tried to emulate it. Because those styles became so ingrained into their artistic skillset, it becomes near impossible to iron out those influences and get rid of them later. So starting with realism is a way to ingrain proper anatomy and other good practice into your artwork.

One way to develop style is to take a look at the artwork of someone you admire, and try to list out the things you like form their style - perhaps the thickness of their lines, or the way they do eyes. Do this with several artists, take all those little details you like and try them out! See if you enjoy using them in your own drawing process! Think of it like a grab bag or a pick-n-mix, sprinkling in the elements you like here and there to create something new and your own - not just copying another artists style word for word.

Don’t worry too much about it though; don’t allow yourself to become anxious or fixated on “achieving a style”. Its a natural ever evolving process that comes with time and practice. I know a lot of people get hung up on style, but just take it one day at a time!

Also try to keep in mind what style you’re going for as you begin drawing. And I don’t mean that like sailor moon vs. ghibli. I mean that as in, is this piece going to be a painting, a lineart, a lined painting, cell shading...? It will help you in the longrun if you narrow down the broad kind of style you use, and refine from there. 

Workflow

My workflow for paintings is very different from my workflow for lineart and cell shading. A full tutorial on how I do paintings can be found here! A process video for how I cell shade can be found here!

Everyone is going to have a different method that works for them! You just have to experiment and find out how you like to draw! For me, personally, I use color blocking for painting (see the tutorial above) and a spine method for lineart. How the spine method works is that I will draw lines that represent the legs, arms, back, etc. so that I can determine the placement, length, and composition. From there, I’ll add a dark outline that actually shows the shapes of the body. Then, I’ll use thinner lines to add details. This is the method I’ve found that works for me. Another commonly used method that I’m sure you’ve seen is representing body parts with cylinders and cubes. There are lots of good tutorials out there on breaking down bodies into shapes like this!

Something that I do is if I’m not quite happy with a part of a drawing, I don’t just erase it. I duplicate the layer so that I always have the original copy, and then I make changes from there. Sometimes I can end up with five or six different versions of the same arm or face that i’ve made minor changes to. And then I compare and pick the one I like best, or condense all the parts I like from each version to make a “best” version.

Tools

Currently I use Procreate and the standard Ipad with Apple Pencil. Prior to March I was using a Wacom Bamboo Touch and Photoshop Elements 2008. I find its harder for me to do full paintings in procreate, but its made my life a million times easier for lineart and cell shading. The pen pressure is phenomenal, and I also adore that its wireless / active screen instead of plug in like the wacom. The programme itself is intuitive and easy to get the hang of; it simply lacks a lot of the neat tricks that photoshop has, like rendering (lens flares, for example), gradients, and gradient maps. Try testing out different trials of programmes... firealpaca, photoshop, autodesk, whatever it may be! What works for me may not work for you!

[noona-clock]

Have You Heard? - Part 2

Genre: Office!AU

Pairing: Shownu x You

By Admin B

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 

As soon as you sat back down at your desk, you severely regretted agreeing to being Shownu’s mentor. Tracy had talked you into it before you’d seen him, and even though she’d told you he was dreamy, you hadn’t realized just how correct she’d been.

And she hadn’t even seen his forearms.

You had.

Honestly, the fact he had actually fixed the copy machine had kind of gone unnoticed (or, at least, undernoticed) because you’d been too distracted by his forearms.

You felt absolutely ridiculous.

And how were you supposed to tell this to Tracy? You knew she was expecting gossip rather than a mere play-by-play of the tour. 

She would want to know what he was like, and the only thing about Shownu you could really remember right now...

Yep.

You guessed it.

His forearms.

(You could remember them, but you were also imagining what the rest of his arms looked like... Oh, dear lord.)

You had just barely unlocked your computer when a message popped up on your screen.

Tracy: So? How was it?!

You: How was what?

Tracy: THE TOUR. What’s he like?

Okay, thank god she was asking via message. You wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face if she’d asked you in person. Your cheeks would’ve gone red and would’ve continued to get even redder as the conversation went on.

You: He seems kind of quiet, but he was able to fix the copy machine.

In your head, you were screaming ‘AND HE HAS THE BEST FOREARMS I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!’

Tracy: What?! Well, obviously, he is a keeper. You’re going to be his mentor?

You: I guess so? I told him to come to me if he has any questions, so that’s all I have to do, right?

You sure hoped so. Because if being a mentor included checking in on him multiple times throughout the day and eating lunch with him and just being around him constantly... you weren’t sure you could handle that. Especially if he had to replace the toner in the copy machine.

Tracy: You are hopeless. You know that if you don’t snap him up, someone else will.

You: What are you talking about? Why would I snap him up?

Tracy: Because you’re single.

You: ...So?

Tracy: I’m just saying!

You: Okay, lol. I have work to do!! Have a good day :)

Tracy: All right, party pooper. I can take a hint.

You chuckled softly to yourself and shook your head as you minimized the chat window. That wasn’t the first time you’d been called a ‘party pooper,’ and you were quite sure it wouldn’t be the last.

You were more than glad to report that the tour you gave Shownu was the most eventful thing which happened that week, Shownu’s first week on the job.

...Until Friday.

On Friday morning, just after clock-in time, a notification popped up on your screen.

You have been added to the SSV private group.

“...SSV?” you whispered to yourself. What in the world did SSV mean?

You clicked on the ‘Accept’ option, your brow furrowed in extreme confusion. And then your eyes scanned over the first message from one of your co-workers.

Simone: Holy heck you guys. He just walked by my desk wearing a sweater vest and I have never seen anyone look so good in a sweater vest. KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED, he has not arrived at his desk yet.

It took you a few moments to understand who, exactly, Simone was talking about, but really... it could only be Shownu.

You were definitely not the only one who had developed a crush on him over the past several days. In fact, you would say a very hefty percentage of your co-workers who were interested in men were interested in Shownu - whether or not they were single.

Tracy: WHAT. Sweater vests are nerdy no more, that’s all I’m saying.

Riley: /giphy hubba hubba

Charlie: okay seriously how can he even pull off a SWEATER VEST?!?! he is a god

You couldn’t stop yourself from letting out a somewhat distressed sigh before joining in the conversation, your fingers flying over your keyboard as you typed with annoyance.

You: Guys, he’s a human being - and our co-worker. Can we please be respectful?

You heard the soft thud of footsteps heading toward your cube, so you instinctively turned around. You may have just expressed your dismay with your co-workers, but... you were still curious to see this sweater vest.

Shownu passed by just as you turned your head, obviously noticing because he slowed his steps.

“Morning,” he greeted with that sweet smile of his, lifting a hand up in a wave.

Well, there it was.

The Sweater Vest.

And... yeah. He looked really, really good in it.

Granted, you had always been attracted to sweater vests. Most people saw them as nerdy, but you viewed them as classy. 

And maybe a little bit nerdy.

But nerdy guys were cute!

Oh lord, now you were imagining Shownu in glasses... damn it!

“Hi, good morning,” you replied, realizing there might have been a few seconds of awkward silence in-between Shownu’s greeting and your response.

But, apparently, if there had been, Shownu hadn’t noticed.

“Happy Friday,” he added with a nod.

“Yes, indeed,” you chuckled. “Happy Friday.”

He gave you one last grin before walking the last few steps to his desk.

You heard him get settled in, letting out an ‘All right, let’s get to it’ sort of sigh and typing in his password to open his computer.

And when you shifted your gaze back to your monitor, you saw about ten missed messages from the #SSV group repeating the sentiment that you were no fun or you obviously needed your eyes checked and even some saying you were a Saint for being able to sit near him and still get work done.

You rolled your eyes to yourself as you clicked the button to mute the group and continued on pretending you did not have a huge crush on Shownu.

Oh, if only your co-workers knew what was going on inside your head.

Thank god they didn’t.

When it comes to work, you were the type of person who had a set lunchtime. You kept an eye on your clock every so often, your gaze shifting more and more as the clock got closer and closer to 12:15pm.

You’d been going to lunch at 12:15pm for five years, and you planned on going to lunch at 12:15pm for as long as you continued your employment.

You were a creature of habit, okay?

At 12:14pm that Friday, you were just about to push away from your desk and lock your computer when you heard a soft knock on your cube wall.

You quickly turned to see who it was, and your eyes landed on none other than Shownu.

“Hey,” you said with a grin, trying to hide your anxiety that he would keep you past your lunch start time.

“Do you have plans for lunch?” he asked with a slightly furrowed brow.

“I do not, I was just about to --”

Shownu lifted his wrist to look at his watch, and he tipped his head in a tiny nod. “Would you want to come down to the cafe? My treat.”

Whoa -- wait -- what?

Shownu was... asking you to lunch? Asking to treat you to lunch?

While you were taken aback enough to want to ask ‘why?’, you knew you shouldn’t.

You should just accept.

Now.

“Yeah, sure,” you answered.

Quickly, you locked your computer and grabbed your phone and security badge before standing up to join your handsome, sweet, nice, quiet co-worker wearing a sweater vest for lunch.

When the two of you got in the elevator, Shownu inhaled softly just as the doors closed.

“I, uh --” he began. “I noticed you go to lunch at the same time every day, so I wanted to make sure I caught you before you left.”

You could feel your cheeks warm, and you couldn’t help but let out a bashful chuckle. “I’m predictable, I know.”

“But it helps in situations like this,” he pointed out with probably the cutest little smile you’d ever seen oh my god.

“True,” you agreed with a nod.

You expected to make some more semi-awkward small talk the rest of the way down, but surprisingly, Shownu was silent.

Well, I guess it wasn’t that surprising. It didn’t take long for you to realize he was the Strong, Silent type.

Which just so happened to be your ideal type, but whatever.

When the elevator doors opened with a ding, Shownu held up one arm to usher you out. He even opened the door to the cafe for you.

A Strong, Silent gentleman.

Wearing a sweater vest.

You would really appreciate it if he would just stop being so perfect.

As the two of you were standing in line to order sandwiches at the cafe’s deli, you decided to break the silence.

“I like your sweater vest,” you said softly, resisting the temptation to reach out and take the fabric in-between two fingers.

“Oh,” Shownu reacted, looking down at his chest. “Thanks. It was a gift, actually. My mom got it for me for Christmas, but this is my first time wearing it.”

For your sake - and for the sake of everyone in the #SSV message group - you hoped it wouldn’t be the last.

And then you realized he’d said his mom had given it to him.

You were professional, but 1. you were still just a little bit shameless, and 2. you were at lunch right now. Technically not on the clock.

“Your mom?” you asked casually. “I figured probably your girlfriend got it for you or something.”

“No,” Shownu chuckled. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“...Boyfriend?”

You just wanted to make sure!

“Not one of those, either.”

You were about to respond, but the person in front of you in line finished ordering, so now it was your turn.

Once the two of you had placed your orders, you found a small table over near the windows while Shownu paid at the register.

You watched him, mainly so you could lift your hand and wave him over once he was done buying your meal, but also because...

I mean, honestly, had you ever seen anyone that handsome? Even from the back!

When he turned around, sliding his wallet into his back pocket, a small smile appeared on your lips and you wiggled your fingers to make sure he saw the table you’d picked.

As soon as Shownu sat down across from you, you realized you would have to force yourself to talk as much as you could. Walking with him and standing with him in an elevator was one thing, but sitting at a table face-to-face?

You knew it wasn’t, but it felt like a date.

And dates made you nervous.

Shownu made you nervous.

“So, why did you invite me to lunch?” you blurted out.

...Wow. Great question.

“I mean,” you added, stammering just a little. “I’m not -- thank you. It’s very nice of you, I’m just curious.”

A small smile tugged at the corners of Shownu’s plush, full lips, and his eyes crinkled adorably before he spoke.

“I just wanted to thank you for showing me around and kind of... being my mentor, I guess.”

“You’re buying me lunch for walking around the office and showing you where the bathroom is?” you asked with a soft laugh. “That’s not that big of a deal.”

“Well, it was to me,” he nodded. “It’s not easy being the new guy, so it was really nice to have someone offer instead of me having to keep asking people where things are. I really appreciated it.”

Your cheeks had warmed earlier in the elevator, but now they were simply ablaze at his words.

“It was my pleasure,” you murmured, hoping you didn’t sound as uncomfortable as you felt. “We -- we appreciate having someone who actually knows how to work our copy machine.”

Shownu let out a pretty hearty laugh at that, and you could feel your smile lighting up your face at the sound of it.

Whoever got to make Shownu laugh like that for the rest of his life was, to put it lightly, lucky.

One of the cafe workers arrived with your sandwiches then, and it was probably for the best. If Shownu laughed or smiled any longer, you were quite positive that your eyes would form into little hearts.

“Thank you again,” you said as Shownu was cleaning up the remnants of your lunch.

“Oh, you’re welcome,” he replied with a somewhat shy grin. He reached toward the nearest trash can, tossing in the sandwich wrappers and empty bags of chips. “I know it wasn’t a fancy lunch or anything, but --”

“I’m not that fancy,” you finished for him.

“Me neither,” Shownu agreed. “I’ve always been a simple guy, but is there really anything wrong with that?”

“Absolutely not!” you assured him.

Once the table was cleared, you began to head out and back toward the elevators. Shownu opened the door of the cafe for you, walking just a step behind you.

He reached out and pushed the elevator button, and as the two of you stood there waiting, Shownu turned to you and said, “You’re the first friend I’ve made at work, so I guess I just wanted to commemorate the occasion.

On the outside, you smiled back at him. You even laughed a little.

But on the inside, you were like ‘Oh, wow, awesome. He used the word “friend” that’s wonderful. I love it. Friends are great.’

Had you really been friend-zoned already?

Part 3

[celestialholz]

Star Trek: Picard. MON CAPITAINE, HE’S BAAAACK. <3

Well, I am a British idiot without a decent proxy, but it’s Friday and therefore Captain Picard Day officially for my good self, so... about time we got with the damn times and DID SOME REVIEWIN’, mes amis. Spoilers abound, naturally. I’m going blow-by-blow, but also elaborating on some lovely things here and there. Jean-Luc Picard means a lot to me personally, I write about him a lot for those who may not know me, and I’ve been SO excited for this - but does it measure up? Spoiler warning: oh yeah. Hellllll yeah.

Warning: Many crudely-drawn hearts incoming. None of them are mechanical, sadly.

- Okay, first thing: this show is GORGEOUS. Oh my god, seriously. CBS knew they were running a potential gold mine here and spent the damn money to prove it. That sweeping into the Enterprise? The credits? Boston? Jesus, my eyes haven’t been treated so well since Avengers: Endgame. It’s a damn Michelin-starred FEAST. It strikes precisely the right balance of feeling gloriously alive and futuristic whilst having the vineyard be oh-so-current, and thus retro for the era. 1701 out of ten, boys. <3

- Data. Picard. Poker. My soul aches. This immediate rich banter is just... *pinch emoji* Ten Forward, man. TEN FORWARD.

- Give me the dog. Just give me him. I love Will, super stoked to see him again, but THIS is my new Number One. Shaped like a goddamn friend.

- Boston, huh? Jesus. Immediate action, immediate knowledge without any knowledge at all of who this chick is. Great writing. <3

- Credits! Already said they’re visually lovely, but the music is also surprisingly effective. Has this contrast of giving us quaint vibes mixed with 24th century tech; the real message of this show, laid out right there.

- Romulans! In the vineyard! Picard said alien rights! Love him. <3 This whole thing feels so very him - he can’t ever quite be stagnant, even back home. He’s out here being forward-thinking and socially progressive as fuck.

- He has a found family again. Of course he does. God, you can truly tell Patrick Stewart exec-produced this. <3

- Decaf earl grey. “You’re getting old, Johnny.” (Don’t drink decaf earl grey if you can help it, guys. It’s fucking terrible. I’m sure he knows this. Bless him.)

- Journalist? She’s going to be an arse, isn’t she?

- ... Oh yeah. And a prejudiced one, too! Lovely. /end British sarcasm I love that layering of this against “Romulan lives -” “Lives.” This new universe feels so deliciously alive at every turn; visually, socially, culturally... this is the vibe I WANTED from a sequel. Beautiful. <3

- Picard, here, in this scene. Just dear GOD. This is why this character is so enduring - he’s kind, warm, soulful, deeply intelligent, principled as all hell, and he’s become so embittered by this horrendous miscarriage of justice... the utopia’s failing, folks, and it’s a delight. Patrick sells the absolute shit out of this whole thing like the absolute asset he’s always been to this franchise, and just the CARE that has gone into his portrayal? I’m in love. Just give me fucking ALL of it. He feels so very him whilst also being richer and a touch bolder and christ, all these things Patrick’s said about loving Picard and wanting to portray him faithfully shine here so very clearly. Flawless. <333333 

- Oh, and all of that, but also THROWBACK THURSDAY. <3 These flashbacks will murder me, I’m certain of it. Retro and new in perfect harmony.

- Oh, here’s the kid! And hang on, an intriguing quote... “You just wave your hand and it all goes away”? Can we just... step back and think about what that’s a reference to, because fuck, dude, I MAY JUST HAVE TO WATCH TAPESTRY AGAIN. (Hardly a chore, let’s be real. I’m a Q stan, leave me be. It’s likely not a reference of course, but for the love of the Continuum, give me De Lancie. This shit already can’t improve so far, just LET IT IMPROVE ANYWAY.) 

- This interview-on-a-random-screen thing is great, too; I love the dichotomy of it. Picard’s out here being principled and wonderful, solely for our eyes and the girl’s. It’s literally background info at this point and it’s a lovely little aside to how Picard’s just been here the whole time, abiding by what he believes in without any real fuss. 

- ... That lovely little vineyard confrontation. Yes, yes, yes. Dad vibes without being a dad. I so didn’t want him to be a dad, it’s so painfully out of character, and I’m so glad they went with ‘lovely old uncle’ instead. <3 This whole scene just again pitches Picard amazingly.

- Can I have that firepit, Jean-Luc? Thanks, Captain.

- ... Hold the entire galaxy’s collection of phones: IS THIS CHICK LAL?! How the hell would that even work?! Bro...

- This nostalgia suite thing in the archives? Incredible. The banner? He hated that shit, we all know this, but it meant something to him deep down, that those children had his respect and admiration, that he felt so inspiring to others... how very telling that it’s one of the things he chose to keep. <3 Parallels not-Lal and this whole mini-arc thing wonderfully.

- ... Is her name supposed to sound like Vash’s? Is that a coincidence? Anyway, she’s not Lal, which makes much more sense, but she is... Data’s daughter? When the sodding hell did that happen? Oh, I really don’t care, honestly. It’s beautiful. All these Data flashbacks continue to kill me, and just for the love of it, let’s chuck some Captain in there, uniform and all! Gaaah. Who gave Patrick Stewart the right to still be this attractive, good lord above. Brent out here absolutely nailing this naive joy we loved so much back in the day, too... <333

- That chat about Dajh (possibly? The sweet and misguided android chick, giving me major Amanda Rogers vibes - I was too excited to look up the spelling, do forgive me) and her connection to Data, and what it means to Picard? Lovely. Absolutely adorable.

- ... And we come to my only minor gripe with all of this joy - why in the name of all positrons was Dajh introduced and then more or less immediately blown to tiny android pieces? Can’t help but feel the potential she had was wasted. I understand that we needed a Picard catalyst to get him back in the game, but I feel as though she’d have done that whilst still being alive. Although, I’m not going to be too harsh on it... “I haven’t been living, I’ve been waiting to die” is a thousand percent the quote of 2020 twenty-three days in and I just about screamed. I’ve got Tapestry vibes again, my god. This man is such a legend. <333333

-  I was becoming rather invested in dear Dajh, though, and I know we have her identical twin elsewhere (more on that shortly) but that’s sort of like giving me Lore and expecting me to be fine without Data. Speaking of which... 

- B-4. In a drawer. Near a door? Well, probably about thirty metres away from one. Love it. And a Maddox namedrop at the same time as something of an explanation! Actually really enjoyed this tie-in to old lore (pun fully intended, folks) whilst being coherent in its own right. God, I’d love to see a non-Trekkie watch this, they’d be so fucking baffled...

- Okay, even with all I’ve said about the visuals, that segway from neuron necklace to space was spectacular. I’m never going to need an eye test again. <3

- Nice guy Romulan. Awww. Someone hug his awkward soul. Dajh’s twin looks immediately less interesting (as evidenced by the fact I’ve forgotten her name - it definitely starts with ‘S’) but I’m definitely reserving judgement for now, I’m sure she’ll be as great as the rest of this show.

- ... That’s a cube, isn’t it?

- IT’S A CUBE. WITH ROMULANS. WHO AREN’T ASSIMILATED. Did they steal it? How the hell did they steal it? Do they have an alliance? What the fuck is happening? Picard did not sign back up two minutes ago for this shit guys!

... Well, basically, tl;dr? Modern, socially developed, stunning; retro in flawless contrast, with an even richer and more nuanced main character than ever who still feels so very himself, which is all I ever wanted. Fucking fantastic. Is it Friday again yet? Can your esteemed reviewer hit up a proxy next week and not die in anticipation of whatever the shit that ending was being perhaps explained a little more?

To be continued...

[irwintry]

How to Attract a Sea Bear

Warnings: swearing, alcohol

Author’s Note: 1. Play the clarinet badly 2. Wave a flashlight back and forth really fast (flashlights are their natural prey) 3. Stomp on the ground (they take it as a challenge) 4. Eat cubed cheese – sliced is safe 5. Wear a sombrero in a goofy fashion 6. Wear clown shoes 7. Wear a hoop skirt 8. Screech like a chimpanzee 9. Run (makes them attack again) 10. Limp (worse than running) 11. Crawl (worse than limping)

Word Count: 6k

But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever, So I think I'll be six now forever and ever.”

― A.A. Milne, Now We Are Six

-

Up until Luke, there were two types of people in the world. Those who were family (the ones who had to love you unconditionally no matter how many walls you scribbled Patrick Star on) and those who were your classmates. Close friends weren’t in the picture yet. Though public school had been going on for nearly two years now, you were perfectly content with keeping to yourself in the back of the classroom. A sheet of paper and a crayon were enough to keep you happy.

And then, Luke Hemmings had to come and ruin it all.

It was his first day of school after moving to town, and he decided to waltz right up to you and compliment your drawing of the Krusty Krab. If you had kept your mouth shut, you weren’t sure what would have happened. Maybe he would have kept bothering you. But instead, you said “thank you”, and he sat down right at your table while you went on about his funny accent. The other kids stared, of course. You never talked to anyone! Not even the teacher.

When you asked your parents if you could have Luke over for a playdate, they nearly cried. You took the time to introduce him to all of your toys, and he listened. And he was willing to play with them! No one could believe it. Of all of the people on the earth to become your first best friend, they were thrilled to know that it was the nicest one possible.

Slumber parties were common, mostly so the two of you could watch cartoons together the next morning with Eggo waffles or Lucky Charms. Couches became forts while your parents tried their best not to think of the future potential the friendship could have. It was hard not to hope for their child to love someone as wonderful as Luke was to you.

First years became second years, then third to fourth, and nothing changed between the two of you. You couldn’t imagine it ever changing. Not at all.

-

“He was thirteen that year, the age when children splinter off and abandon the old loves.” ― Mark Costello

-

“If you don’t change the channel, I’ll sit on your face and suffocate you.”

“Thank god you said you’d kill me, otherwise that doesn’t sound like much of a threat.”

Luke had been in this situation with you a million times. Your place or his– he was used to constant back-and-forth banter. If there was no banter, then the two of you were most likely not together. The friendship of crude humor and gross farts had only just entered teendom, though Luke couldn’t imagine a thing would change. He knew you didn’t have cooties, and vice versa (he hoped). It didn’t matter. The seven-years-in-the-making friendship meant more than the jokes of scrawny preteens.

“I give you four seconds,” he said.

“Why four?”

“Three... two...”

“That’s a dumb– “

“One!” Luke pounced on you, his arms darting to taser your sides as you screamed and squirmed. Meanwhile, the two capri-suns had fallen to the hardwood with a small splat. “Stop screeching like a damn chimp,” he hissed, but he couldn’t hold in his laughter. “Sea bears don’t like that.”

“Don’t– “ You gasped for air, and finally, you were able to kick him off of you. The remote had dropped down to the floor beside the leaking drink pouches. “Don’t care. I’ll screech like a damn chimp if I wanna.”

“Your mum’s gonna hate that you swore.”

“Your mum is gonna hate that you swore.” You glanced down to the fallen heroes beside you. “You owe me a new Roarin’ Waters.”

“Only if you put on Spongebob.”

“Fine.”

Things were as simple as that. Luke never had to worry about upsetting you, nor you with him, and it all narrowed down to the similar personalities that had developed throughout the past three years. If Luke didn’t have you, he wouldn’t know who he would be.

He had a premonition– a hopeful tug at his heart when he thought what was to come between the two of you. Maybe it had been this way all along. Every side glance or puckered expression made sense in his mind. The humor the two of you shared was unlike any other, and he simply couldn’t fathom the possibility that someone else out there would one day share it with you as well. Luke had never considered himself a jealous person until the few times at your locker or during lunch when he wasn’t the only one in your world.

How could he have let himself get this attached to someone? It would take him years to know.

-

“Did I think he was “the one?” I’ll never know. At sixteen, everyone is “the one.”

― K.A. Tucker, Ten Tiny Breaths

-

It was a rare occurrence for you to keep a secret from Luke. You told him about your celebrity crushes and your desire to write fanfiction (there were minor judgments on his part). You told him about the darker sides to your parents’ divorce, and you always opened up to him about whatever insecurity was going through your mind. However, when your friend Hailey asked you who you though the hottest guy in school was, you knew you would never be able to let him know that you had said his name.

It was the age of formals and sappy first dates, though you still felt too young to understand the complexity of relationships. While everyone else was exploring new ways to make-out, you were too busy trying to get comfortable with yourself. Tight jeans, flannel shirts, and skater shoes were the keys to unlocking the ultimate prize when it came to high school. And Luke, well, the ultimate prize had won him.

You became the way to his heart. In order to get to him, everyone had to get through you. At first, being the gatekeeper didn’t seem all that bad. You controlled who was worthy. If they had done a few sketchy things within the past year, then Luke – through your words – just so happened to not have feelings for them.

As the year went on, more people were turned away, and things became, well, weird. Truth be told, every single person who went to you to seek out Luke was told he, unfortunately, was not interested in them, even if it wasn’t true. You were speaking through jealousy, not facts, and you never figured he would catch on.

So, when he did, naturally, it blew up in your face.

“Did you actually tell Marissa McKee that I didn’t like her?”

The walk home had been silent for quite some time. You could tell his outburst had been building ever since school let out.

“Like, what the actual fuck, Y/N?”

You huffed, stuffing your hands into the pockets of your fluffy sweatshirt. “H-how was I supposed t’know that you liked her?”

Luke chuckled dryly. “Jesus. I told you two weeks ago! You’re supposed to know because we’re best friends. Best friends know that shit. Best friends don’t tell the person their friend likes that they don’t like them back.”

“’m sorry.”

“How could you not know?” he continued. “Like– Jesus.”

You couldn’t figure out what else to say, and neither could Luke. The two of you parted ways a moment later once you turned on his block, and then it was only another neighborhood over in order to get to your place.

It wasn’t rocket science, but you couldn’t figure it out at the time. All you knew was that it possibly had something to do with calling him the hottest guy in school, but you left it at that.

-

“I wish," he said, "I had known at eighteen what I know now - that there are some things on which one does not compromise.”

― Mary Balogh, Simply Perfect

-

“Don’t eat that,” Luke said, voice rushed as his hand jumped to grasp yours. He had a point about his itchy sweater; the red, wool material scratched your skin, albeit barely grazing it. “Do you want to attract a sea bear? ‘m not a big fan of having to clean up blood from my mum’s carpets.”

You tried to keep a straight face as you lifted the cubed cheese off of the tray despite Luke’s request. “The final touch,” you mumbled and set a bland cracker just under the Swiss cube.

His eyes widened. “You’re a dumbass. A real, lactose-intolerant dumbass.”

“Shut up,” you replied with a smirk. But the cubed cheese wasn’t as good as you were hoping it would be.

The Hemmings Christmas parties carved the path for your favorite time of year. Somehow, the snow knew when to fall as ugly sweaters gathered in the living room you used to watch Teen Titans in. Cocktails and hors-d'oeuvres were served on platters, and children danced around legs longer than their own height. And the decorations... sometimes, you had no words. Everything had a place, and everything had a purpose.

This year, your nerves were on high alert. In years past, you and Luke would spend the majority of the night by each other’s side, making snide comments or talking “grown up” with other adults. His girlfriend came into the picture months ago. Nevertheless, she was invited, and she was late. You didn’t know what to do once she got here.

Luke’s nerves were also on high alert. It was the first time Lara was meeting his family, and her lack of punctuality was already not making a great impression. The funny part of it all was the fact that cared more about your impression overall. He needed your approval, whether he wanted to believe it or not. You were the only person who knew him better than he did.

The air stiffened when Lara walked in. Luke didn’t know why he noticed it, but he had, and maybe it was because he knew you better than you knew yourself as well. He could sense every dropped composure or change in expression. He convinced himself it was the twelve years of friendship that caused him to read you so intently. But he couldn’t let all of this bother him.

He hardly saw you throughout the next few hours of the night. And then, it was charades time.

“Ready to have your ass kicked for the fifth year in a row, Lukey?” you said with a smile so sweet it could melt anyone with eyes into a sugary puddle.

Luke shrugged, and his shoulders itched with the movement of his sweater. “Can you even reach my ass?”

“I have my secrets.” You plopped down into the chair across from him and began scribbling down ideas onto tiny slips of paper.

“A secret to reaching my ass? That sounds– “

“Hey, shut it,” said Liz, but she had cracked a smile. “Let’s get on with the game.”

You prided yourself in being the ultimate charades actor. Luke, on the other hand, could hardly figure out how to act out Ghostbusters. But, like you had a secret to reaching his ass, he had a secret to stumping you and your team. It was a miracle it even worked.

“Shit,” you muttered, reading the slip of paper in between your small fingers. Your eyes met his and immediately hardened into a glare. “Die.”

Luke burst into a small fit of laughter, and he hardly felt Lara’s grip on his hand loosen as he focused all of his attention onto you. With a sigh, you held up six fingers.

“Six words,” said his uncle. “Shit, really?”

You rolled your eyes before bringing your hands in front of you to begin acting. You tried your best to look as though you were playing clarinet, though a few other instruments had been shouted out as you kept going. A moment later, you were stomping and holding up the tray of cubed cheese while pounding on your chest like a damn chimp. Luke made sure he took a mental picture of this. He could never forget this moment.

“Time’s up,” Liz yelled through the loud chatter. “What the actual hell was that?”

You narrowed your eyes at your blond best friend and spat, “how to attract a fucking sea bear,” before running over to his spot on the couch to tackle him. His chest hurt from the laughter booming from his lungs, and he could hardly feel his face aside from the occasional burning of his cheeks.

Someone mumbled “that’s seven words”, but neither of you could hear as he attempted to push you off of him. Luke’s senses were overwhelmed. The loud laughing and shouting of the small yet crowded room, plus you being practically on top of his lap at the same time, were sending his brain into some euphoric state.

And somehow, he knew it would all come crashing down.

Lara took him aside moments later. “If you want to keep me around– “

Luke didn’t like where this was going.

“–you will keep your hands off of Y/N.”

Luke didn’t know how to say no.

-

“Everyone, at nineteen, is dumb and beautiful in equal parts...”

― Raphael Kadushin

-

need iced coffee rn

wanna come?

Luke had his comforter pushed up to his nose. Being home for the holidays meant feet dangling off of childhood beds, his mother’s infamous casseroles, and best of all, plenty of time to spend with you. He rubbed his tired eyes before slowly sitting up to answer your text.

You buying?

He replied and sighed, rubbing his neck and pushing his weight out of the twin-sized bed. The small murmur of chatter from the kitchen filled his ears, and if he was honest, he didn’t want to join the conversation. All Luke wanted was a long drive with you.

like hell

i’m drivin bitch

gimme gas $$

Luke chuckled at your response as he dug through his bottom drawer for a thin sweatshirt.

Fine I’m in

The next few minutes were filled with wandering around the small (and quite dirty) confines of his carpeted bedroom and humming along to whatever song popped into his sleepy brain. Your car was in the driveway before he realized, and soon, the familiar obnoxious honking bounced around the four walls.

“Luke, tell Y/N to shut the hell up!” shouted Liz from the kitchen, but it was all fun.

He let out another laugh before rushing into the living room and out of the house with a squeaky “g’bye”. You continued honking even when he clambered into the passenger seat, and a part of him wanted to let you keep going. You were smiling so damn big.

“Shut the fuck up,” he said, hitting your hand away from the steering wheel. “Liz was seconds away from beating you up.”

“Tell her I want that,” you replied before pressing resume on whatever song had been playing on your phone. “If Liz can take me in a fight, then I don’t need goals. Like, I’m set for life after that.”

“Oh, but fighting me is just second nature?”

You shrugged as you began backing out of the driveway. “Yeah, I mean, you’re weak, so...”

“Fuck you.”

“Bet ya wish ya could.”

“I– “ Luke didn’t have a comeback, so he cut himself off.

You gasped. “Does that mean you actually want to fuck me?”

“No!” he exclaimed, his voice jumping up to a much higher octave (which usually occurred whenever he had to defend himself... it was either that, or he was lying).

You giggled, like you usually did when pressing his buttons, and then turned the music up.

Luke hadn’t thought much about sex without anyone else since breaking things off with Lara many months ago. It was tragic but true. No one consumed his mind; he hardly had the time to focus on fancying anyone. He knew how to satisfy himself enough, though Luke couldn’t help but wonder if he was broken. The thought only overwhelmed his mind for a split moment– your poor dancing to the Jonas Brothers distracted him meanwhile.

And then, he was thinking about you.

No, he hadn’t thought about fucking you. For the majority of his life, you felt like family. Hell, you were treated exactly like family. Somehow, along those lines, he still recognized the fact that you were special to him and only him. Years ago, he would have thought it weird to think about you in bed. He still thought it weird, but the more it washed over him, the less acidic the idea tasted on his tongue.

Luke could force the feelings away if he truly wanted to. He could forget he ever spent a moment thinking about you in this way. But instead, he grabbed your dainty hand, wedging his own fingers in between yours before slipping back into the new future his brain was conjuring up for him.

Most of all, you would have no idea that his skin flushed at the thought of spending an evening with you.

-

“He was twenty. I remembered twenty. I'd known everything at twenty. It took me another year to realize I knew nothing.”

― Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned

-

His hands held the desire to crush the two plastic cups in his drunken grip. If he focused hard enough, he would trample the toes of ditzy dancers, their hips knocking hard into his path. Instead, his eyes were trained on you. You, with the curve of your neck aimed towards a taller man, were too busy to notice your best friend.

The contents of the one red cup spilled over his angry knuckles. Luke hardly noticed the sharp sensation of plastic digging into his skin until the alcohol hit the feet of innocent bystanders. There were loud yelps and threats, but he didn’t hear a single one. He envisioned the smoke streaming from his ears the moment you leaned into the man whose hand traced circles onto your waist.

Luke locked himself in the bathroom. The white-tiled room proved itself to be more interesting than the crowded college party he originally invited you to. There were pictures of city skylines and prints of surrealist paintings, but he couldn’t stay concentrated on one thing long enough before he lost himself in the thought of that man’s hands on you. Luke could have stopped it if he had the mental strength. But truth be told, he preferred feeling pathetic over disappointing you.

He had managed to get comfortable on the small fuzzy rug in front of the sink. His black t-shirt was covered in some alcoholic drink, and he assumed it had been yours before his fingers did the deed of crushing the solo cup to death. This jealousy had sprung up out of nowhere. If he hadn’t invited you over in the first place, he would have never experienced someone captivating your attention like he was so used to doing himself.

An hour of “occupied” and “someone’s in here” passed by slowly, and Luke spent the entire time checking his phone for texts from you. The same wallpaper of your face photoshopped onto Squidward greeted him every time. It reminded him of when a friend or stranger would ask who you were, and he would spend close to ten minutes trying to convince them that, no, he was not dating you. By that point, he’d rather say yes. He had enough knowledge of you to convince them.

someone said some blond has b een pukig his guts out in trhe bathrom for lik an hour now????

is that u??

are u ok

canm i c ome pee

Luke sighed. At least you had texted him.

Yeah, but I’m not puking

Pls join me

He sighed, resting his head against the wooden cabinet behind him as the sounds of the party echoed in his aching head.

hm ok ;;)

“Knock, knock!” you shouted from outside of the door. “You better be naked.” A few giggles left your lips, and if Luke had been any drunker, his entire body would have burst into flames.

“Comin’,” he mumbled as he lifted himself up gradually. His knees cracked as they bent, and it took most of his energy to not keel over into the porcelain bathtub before him.

You were grinning as he opened the door, your body immediately falling into his chest before closing the door behind you. “Comin’, huh?” you questioned, gripping tightly onto his waist. “Thinkin’ ‘bout me as you came?”

Luke peeled you off of him. His eyes were wide as he asked, “how many drinks have ya had?”

You held up four fingers, or maybe it was five. Or maybe three. Luke couldn’t tell– he didn’t care. You dragged down your pants a moment later.

“W-wh– what are you doing?”

“Goin’ pee,” you replied before sitting yourself down onto the toilet.

Luke sighed again as he turned away from you. This whole night was a terrible decision.

“What are you doin’?” you asked him. Your voice was still light and slurred, but you sounded happy. It was hard for Luke to comprehend the emotions surrounding him at the moment.

“Givin’ you privacy.”

You snorted. “Okay. Fourteen years of like, no privacy at all, and now you decide to give me privacy?”

He tried to focus on the sounds of the party as you spoke. “Mhm.”

There was a loud flush. “So, what’s up your butt t’night baby boo? Why’d ya lock yourself in here?” The sound of rushing water filled the small space, so he turned to face you once more.

Luke shrugged. He had no way of telling you about the jealousy that coursed through his veins at the sight of you pressed against another man. He had no way of communicating the fact that this jealousy ran deeper than just friendship.

“Lukey, I can read ya like a book,” you said, plopping down onto the rug he had just spent a whole hour sitting on and waiting for you to text him.

He shook his head. “Jus’, no reason,” he replied, another shrug following.

You quirked an eyebrow up at him in suspicion. You weren’t going to let him off the hook that easily. “You locked yourself in the bathroom when you received your first college rejection letter.”

“I promise, I’m fine.”

“You say that, but– “

“Are you having a good time?”

“What?” you asked.

Luke leaned back against the door the moment someone knocked their knuckles against it. “Occupied. I said, are you having a good time?”

“Well, yes, but– “

“Then, that’s all that fucking matters.” Luke wanted nothing more to be in bed with you at the foot as you went off about some dramatic contestant on that evening’s episode of Jeopardy. He didn’t want to be in this position with you.

You stood up, your arms folded tightly across your chest. Your eyebrows were knotted, and your lips were pulled into a frown. “What’s your deal?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled out so low he could hardly hear.

“Lu, what is your deal?”

“That fucking guy!” he shouted. “That guy who had you wrapped around his fucking finger is my deal. Okay? Happy? I’m fuckin’ jealous for some fucking reason. I wanted to punch his fuckin’ smirk off of his fuckin’ face because his fuckin’ hands were– “

“You’re jealous of a guy touching me?” you whispered.

Luke wanted to pay a random buff guy to punch him in the face so he could forget this conversation ever happened. That wouldn’t cause you to forget it, but he could at least convince you that you were going crazy.

He let out a long, shaky exhale before bringing his hands up to his temples. “I fucking guess.”

Your lips were pulled into a deep frown. It was the kind of frown that you wore whenever someone disappointed you, no matter how small the issue. If they couldn’t pick up a candy bar from the store, cue the frown.

“Can– can we go?”

Luke nodded. Both of you had accepted defeat.

-

“When you are in your twenties, even if you're confused and uncertain about your aims and purposes, you have a strong sense of what life itself is, and of what you in life are, and might become.”

― Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending

-

Luke had, once again, pulled out the old red sweater for the annual Hemmings Christmas party. However, this year, no girlfriends were attending alongside him. It was relieving to know he could catch up with you whilst surrounded by the primitive atmosphere of his immediate family. Plus, he already down one beer before the afternoon began. Despite his (very) minor intoxication, he still convinced himself he was seeing things as the sight of hanging greens and white berries tied with a bright red bow caught his eye.

“Mum, what’s this?”

Liz ambled over and grinned. “Mistletoe! Figured we’d start a new tradition.”

“Wh-what?” He would definitely need another beer within the next hour, and the party hadn’t even started. “Why?”

His mother shrugged as she continued going through her decoration checklist. Wreaths were hung, platters were stacked with all sorts of foods, and champagne flutes were delicately placed beside the many bottles of alcohol. The Hemmings family took their Christmas parties seriously. The large fir in the living room had gifts below the lowest boughs for weeks.

“Jus’ need more excuses to kiss Andy,” she replied smugly.

Luke rolled his eyes, and he almost accepted that as her final answer before she continued.

“The whole family decided that it’s about time you and Y/N get together anyway,” she said, and nonchalantly at that. She was stacking the brownies without bothering to look back to see her son’s gaped expression.

“What?”

She hummed.

“Ya can’t be serious, mum!”

“Of course ‘m serious,” she chuckled. “We swore ya’d be together by now.”

Luke sighed. The past few years had changed your relationship, both distance and different feelings combined, but he tried to ignore it as best as he could. He assumed you were doing the same. By this point, there was no way he could deny the nerves that built in his stomach at the thought of being in the same room as you. Something tugged in his heart when it came to you, and it only ever pulled him closer.

The evening came, and it only took about thirty minutes for the aunts, uncles, and cousins to get absolutely smashed. Luke, on the other hand, cradled his second beer until the glass no longer held a touch of cold. You had willingly joined a few of his cousins for a conversation on the couch, while in the dining room, his uncles were yelling political statements that had no reason to be shouted. Luke was left in the kitchen to analyze the foods.

“Okay, I get that like, marriage is a thing, but I don’t wanna talk about that with your cousins,” you said on your way into the kitchen. You had done something new with your hair, and Luke couldn’t stop thinking about how soft it looked against your dark green sweater. “Don’t eat all of the little smokies!” you wailed, crossing your arms. “Ya fuckin’ animal.”

Luke chuckled and tossed his used toothpick into the trash under the sink. Meanwhile, his eyes caught a glimpse of– “your shoes. What are those? Fuckin’ clown shoes.”

Your mouth fell open. “Meanie. I bought these on sale. ‘m sorry they’re too ugly for your Christmas party.”

“Oh, no, I’m not worried about that,” he said with a grin. “’m worried about the... the sea bear.”

You rolled your eyes and started towards the living room. “Fuck you.”

“Bet ya wish you could,” he replied, following suit.

“Literally, I never– “

“Stop right there!” Liz shouted from across the living room. A little over a dozen heads snapped in the direction of you and Luke, and their smiles only widened. For a moment, Luke couldn’t figure it out.

But then, he looked up.

“Shit,” he mumbled, eyeing the mistletoe that hung above the two of you.

Your eyebrows furrowed as your eyes followed his gaze, and once again your mouth fell open slightly.

“If ya don’t kiss, I’ll beat you up,” threatened someone, and their statement was followed by a bunch of kiss chants that sent Luke’s blood boiling.

He wasn’t angry, nor was he upset. He was nervous. Your eyes were still locked on the dainty branches hanging just above his forehead, and Luke didn’t know what to do. Your lips, the lips that he had thought about kissing for years, were pulled into a small pout.

“We don’t have to,” he mumbled, trying his best to smile through the pain of the situation. But he knew it wasn’t a bad pain. The ache was crawling up his chest and into his throat, preventing his voice from tossing out words that didn’t need to be said.

You shrugged, neck twisting to face the family that had practically become your own after all of these years. If this had occurred years ago, would he feel your hesitance the same? “Let’s just please ‘em,” you sighed with a chuckle. “They won’t let us live it down otherwise.”

“Ya sure?”

You nodded, the small smiling growing ever so slightly as your shoulders rose and fell with grace. “No harm in it.”

Luke nodded, too. You were wrong, however, because if nothing changed after this, the harm would come to him.

“So, we just– “

He took a small step forward, touching the tip of his boots to the tip of your clown shoes. Sure, he had been this close to you hundreds of times before, if not closer, but the proximity meant nothing then. It meant nothing when he crawled on top of you to retrieve the remote. It meant nothing when you attacked him after a game of charades. It meant nothing until he finally realized it always meant something.

Luke inhaled sharply, resting his hands on your waist as you gave him another reassuring smile. He truly loved your smile. “S’okay?” he whispered while leaning in and resisting the urge to back away.

You hummed. Your hands had found their way up to his neck, and his skin burned from the touch. Even without the pads of your fingers dancing along the muscles along his throat, his skin would still burn.

He felt as though years had passed by the time you closed the distance, your bottom lip gently nestling in between his. You put an ample amount of pressure into the kiss, careful not to overstep your boundaries, but Luke’s mind took control after that. His fingers dug into your waist as he took the chance to press his lips a little harder against yours. The skin on his cheeks would melt off if either of you took this a bit further. Every nerve in his body had ignited.

And then you let go, and suddenly everything felt cool again. He didn’t like the sensation of your lips leaving his, but he did like the timid smile that stretched across your blushing cheeks. There were cheers from his parents, hoots and hollers from his uncles and aunts, but he could hardly hear a single thing. Luke needed you to know how that kiss made him feel.

“Um,” he mumbled, letting out a cough as he reached for his beer to take a quick swig. Luke glanced over at the clock on the stove before looking back to you. “Grab your coat and meet me outside.” He took off towards his bedroom a moment later.

The shaking in his hands hadn’t subsided by the time he met you outside. Your teeth were chattering, but you looked too damn adorable in your knit hat. He couldn’t believe that he had kissed you. He couldn’t believe that he had kissed you.

“W-what’s up buttercup?” you stuttered with a great big smile. Maybe you hadn’t minded the kiss at all. Nevertheless, it didn’t make the upcoming conversation any easier.

Luke kicked a chunk of snow onto the sidewalk. “Uh.” He winced, brushing his curls back before adjusting the beanie on his head. “Shit, I don’ really know where to start.” He let out a defeated laugh. His hands were already raw despite the fur-lined pockets of his coat. If only he had brought gloves.

You didn’t say anything as the two of you rounded the corner onto the next street over. The street lamps and porch lights lit the path well with the help of the snow as a reflector. Luke believed that, throughout his sixteen years of knowing you, he had shared secrets much deeper than his fondness towards you. None of them proved to be as nerve-wracking as this moment right here.

“Y’know when we were like, sixteen, and you told the girl I liked that I didn’t like her?” he asked, a hot puff of air hitting his cheeks as he exhaled rapidly. Luke gazed over at you and watched your confused expression tighten.

“I-I think so?”

“I wasn’t really that mad.” Luke wanted to reach out for your hand, similar to the times he would do it just to hold onto something.

“Oh, okay.”

“And the time Lara asked me to stop– “

You snorted. “Fucking hated that bitch.”

Luke smirked in response. “Yeah, that really pissed me off. It destroyed me. I dunno why I didn’t realize that I’d pick you over her any day. Fuck, I’d pick you over anyone.”

“Really?”

Despite the conflict arising in his brain, Luke reached out for your hand, and he was relieved when you gladly complied. “Mhm.” He blinked and breathed out a few times to hopefully steady his heart rate. “’nd when I got mad ‘bout that guy at the party a few years ago.”

“Oh, Lu, I told you I hardly remember– “

“But I do,” he said, frowning. “I was so jealous. Like, so fuckin’ jealous. Didn’t know why. Couldn’t even figure it out. And then, it clicked, and suddenly– “

“What clicked?” You stopped walking, your eyes widening, but just barely.

Luke swallowed thickly. “I jus’– I guess I– “ He sighed. “I don’t even know when I noticed but– “

“Luke,” you chuckled, tugging on his hand, “it’s just me.”

He stared at you, noticing how relaxed you seemed in his presence. You were right, it was just you. He nodded and took one more deep breath. “I’m in love with you.”

Your smile faltered, and in that moment, Luke could feel his heart fall to his feet, but the smile soon grew once again. “Y’are?” You bit your lip.

He could feel his lips twitch into a grin as well as he nodded again, his grip on your hand slackened gently. “Yeah,” he whispered.

In one swift movement, you had your arms wrapped around his neck as you pressed your cold lips to his. Noses bumped, and teeth clashed, but neither of you seemed to care as your embrace tightened. Luke could feel your smile against his chapped cheeks, and he didn’t mind one bit that your toes were on his. He hardly had enough strength to balance the two of you, but if you were to collapse into the snow bank beside the shoveled path, he wouldn’t care one bit.

“Is this– um,” Luke pulled away to look at you. “Does this mean– “

“If you don’t get too bummed over losing charades again for the ninth year in a row, I might just be in love with you, too.”

[demicorpse]

My qualms with the Animorphs ending. (Spoilers, duh)

So. Around a week ago I finished all 54 of the core Animorphs books, and like many, I was pretty disappointed by the ending. I’d even go as far as to say I was angry about it. Not angry enough to write a rant tweet at the main author, but angry enough to rant about it on a tumblr post where 10 people might see it and agree with me. I’m going to list some of the main issues regarding the last few books, as well as the final book itself. Let’s take it from the top.

The Auxiliary Animorphs.

On paper? This doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Writing in a bunch of handicapped kids and giving them cool powers, while also slowly developing them and not focusing on just their disabilities? Sounds great! Only Applegate didn’t exactly understand what that meant. The Aux. Animorphs are introduced in book 50, The Ultimate, and after a big battle, they’re almost immediately moved to the sidelines. They’re mentioned in passing as ‘James and his group’ when they’re needed to provide a distraction or maybe fight some kind of battle, but other than that, and maybe some characterization of the kids in book 50, we don’t learn a whole lot about ‘James and his group’. I get it. Balancing so many new faces is hard, especially when your series in ending in 4 books, but maybe you could’ve... I don’t know... lessened the scope of the group? Or maybe you could’ve introduced them earlier, so that we can, at the very least, gain a glimpse towards what they’re like? We know so much about the main Animorphs, but when it comes down to the Aux. Animorphs, all I remember is that James wanted Pedro, his best friend forever, to get a morph of his own (which never really developed into anything? Or maybe Applegate forgot to explicitly state he’s part of the group, but, whatever.), and that in the end, they all die namelessly. Again, as part of a distraction tactic. A bunch of handicapped kids who were told the world is being taken over by aliens are introduced, and all they do is die at the end. No mention of them whatsoever in the ending book, after the war was ended. Not even a single page regarding how brave they were, to just trust the Animorphs despite how crazy they sound, and fight by their side, even LOSE one of their own before they all die a book later.

It’s stupid. The Aux. Animorphs could’ve been so much cooler had Applegate wasn’t so deeply invested in her ‘these books tell a war story!’ thing. They had potential to be memorable, and yet, I don’t even remember the names of the main kids that were intro’d in their book. Just James. By the way, James was a way better leader than Jake by the end. Actually, let’s talk about Jake.

Jake’s character was brutally murdered and replaced with an evil clone. So was Rachel’s.

Reading the last few books was, honestly, a festival of awkward and head-shaking moments for me. You mean to tell me that this is where Jake breaks? Jake, the leader of the Animorphs, the one who’s kept the alive, the one who’s brought them together when they thought they wouldn’t be able to make it, Jake, Marco’s best friend, Cassie’s boyfriend, Rachel’s cousin, JAKE, breaks at the end and sacrifices everything. His cousin? A sacrifice. The Aux. Animorphs and one of the only military officials willing to listen to him and his men? A sacrifice. 

I can’t put it into words how disappointed I am over both Jake and Rachel. Jake turned into a monster. He turned into someone he vowed he never would turn into. Remember when he said, like, two books before the end: “Defeat the Yeerks. Don’t become them.” What the hell happened to that when you flushed down 17 thousand Yeerks into space and let them freeze to death? 

Don’t get me started on his hatred towards Cassie by the end (which is 100% totally fixed when she has a mental breakdown don’t worry guys ahahaha fuck I fucked up their relationship and now I can’t really fix it well enough ok they hugged and they’re ok now). Like, I get it. I get it, Jake. You lost the morphing cube and Tom because Cassie thought she’d do something good. But is he seriously daft enough to just disregard any reasoning for what she did and go around acting like a child who got his toy taken away? Isn’t he the one that’s supposed to move on from things quickly? Just... Jake isn’t the same character by the end, but it’s not even a fluid change. It’s so drastic that when you’re reading it, it’s like a completely different character was introduced into the Animorphs with no explanation whatsoever. Yeah, war changes people, but Marco stayed the same. Tobias, more or less, stayed the same. Ax changed, but that was after the war, and it was for the better. Cassie stayed the same. 

Jake should’ve been written better. Because if he was, he wouldn’t have gotten so many people killed, including himself right at the end. 

And, oh God, Rachel... what have they done to you? Rachel went from someone who likes the thrill of the fight (admittedly, maybe a little too much) and is capable of making smart decisions, to someone who’s willing to drive over a military general even though he’s simply asking her to stop (in a truck full of EXPLOSIVES no less), as well attempt to hit Cassie in anger (good thing Tobias is her moral compass) after she confesses that she let Tom go on purpose. Hey, while we’re at it, let’s talk about her death.

Rachel’s death is stupid.

Let’s get one thing out of the way: Rachel is my favourite character in Animorphs, second close being Ax. I’m obviously upset about her death, so I’m sorry if I sound a little biased. 

Rachel’s death is plain dumb and stupid and shouldn’t have happened. It wouldn’t have happened had Applegate not convinced herself that all of her character deserve to suffer and die by the end, leaving a hopeless pit in my stomach after I closed the .PDF to the final book. You’re telling me that one of the most fierce human warriors I’ve read about in my entire life just gives up at the end. She spits out Tom’s body, demorphs, and that’s it. She gives up. Doesn’t even attempt to go down fighting. She just says some cliche line to Tobias and dies. I will give Applegate credit for creating one of the best post-death scenes I’ve ever read (”You mattered.” is so good), but that doesn’t redeem her death in my eyes. She’s killed off because Applegate claims Animorphs is a ‘war story’. A war story in which kids turn into animals, alien slugs crawl into people’s ears and control them, time travel happens on more than one occasion, and Ax is Tobias’ uncle. Sure. War story. Since it’s a war story, there’s no hope for any of the characters. But I’ll get to that at the end.

Anyway, Rachel shouldn’t have died. No amount of convincing will have me think otherwise. I don’t care how reckless she was described as, she’s not reckless enough to go on a suicide mission and die to make the reader feel upset. Plus, if Jake was SO hellbent on winning, why couldn’t he have sent James up there to deal with Tom? It’s not like he cared about the fates of the Aux. Animorphs by that point, so why not have one less trauma on your head and send in someone you see as disposable? At least let Jake retain some of his intelligence, Applegate.

Oh, yeah, the ending.

The ending is hopeless, and if you thought your characters’ struggles will pay off, fuck you.

“Ram the Blade Ship”, Jake says with Rachel’s smile, and seconds later, he and his friends die in a horrible explosion in space, limbs either blown apart or frozen. Oh, and Ax has been assimilated into some omnipotent entity that comes quite literally out of nowhere, so it’s safe to say that he’s classified as ‘dead’. The only one left on Earth is Cassie, who has to live with the fact that she’s the last Animorph left alive. Thinking about it, it’s pretty funny that the only one who lives in the end is Cassie, who always advocated for a more peaceful approach, if possible. Great irony, Applegate. 10/10.

Anyway, this whole thing stinks. Applegate claims the ending is up to interpretation (I think, from what I’ve read in her epilogue it certainly seems that way), but I think it’s bullshit. She claims there’s no happy endings in war. That’s bullshit. I can’t express how... just bullshit the ending is.

These kids who have fought for 3 years, these kids who have shed blood, sweat, and multiple tears across 54 books and several spin-offs, these kids who went through so much and where a ‘win’ barely counted as that, these kids get... nothing. No one is happy. Even Marco, who was relatively happy with his post-war life is dragged into Jake’s suicide mission, only to die alongside him, because poor Jake couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t think of a better plan to save both his cousin and his brother.

No, thinking on it, they DO get something! They get death and an ‘open’ ending, which is just as open as Chick-fil-A on a Sunday. When you make a reader constantly read through HEAPS of books about how depressed these kids are, about their struggles and their failures and how they never really win anything, they mostly react to their enemies’ movements, it just makes the reader feel hopeless. And so by the end, when you just kill off everyone but a single character that knew better, the reader feels sad, and angry, and upset. And maybe Applegate wanted to go for that. 

Conclusion. Jesus Christ, Applegate.

The job of a writer is to string words together well enough to make people feel an emotion, whether negative or positive. And admittedly, she achieved that. But in my opinion, I’d rather close Animorphs knowing that these kids know at least some form of peace. That Jake rescues his brother and he can live out his life alongside him. That Rachel survives and that she can attend high-end fashion shows. That Tobias and his mother (who isn’t mentioned at all at the end, by the way? Guess she wasn’t important enough to the plot!) make up all the time they’ve lost when Tobias didn’t know she actually cared about him. That Marco does his thing, being a comedian, in peace, and visits Jake and his friends whenever he wants to. That Cassie pursues her own career and yeah, maybe she’s not together with Jake anymore, but at the very least, they’re happy to see one another. That Ax avenges his brother by killing Visser Three/One, and becomes a War Hero in his world, as well as a very good War Prince, and that he doesn’t forget to visit his second home.

Whether you liked the ending or not, this is the kind of ending I was hoping for. Something to ease me at the end. Something that would make me feel good after reading so much about the lives of 4 human kids, a half-bird half-boy, and an alien. But no. I get despair. I get death and I get sadness and I get an empty feeling in my heart that will always remain so as long as I remember Animorphs. Because no matter how much I’ll try and rewrite the ending, it’ll always stick with me, this one thought: Everybody dies and no one is happy. 

Animorphs has war, but it’s not a war story. Animorphs has tactics, strategy, guerilla warfare, espionage, but it’s not a war story. And even if I’m wrong, even if it is a war story, why can’t the characters be happy? Why can’t the characters get the one bit of compensation for their struggles?

Maybe I’m just too much of an optimist, and none of this matters. Maybe I should get used to bad endings, because let’s face it, this isn’t a good ending, or even a neutral one. This is as bad as it gets. Maybe I should suck it up and grow some thick skin.

But God damn, the ending to Animorphs sucked. 

[kcwcommentary]

VLD2x04 – “Greening the Cube”

2x04 – “Greening the Cube”

The Paladins are doing maintenance outside the Castle Ship, but Hunk and Lance don’t understand the technobabble Coran and Allura are speaking. Like with the use of odd units of time on this show, this particular technobabble is funny because it embraces its own goofiness. It doesn’t make sense, however, that they would send anyone out to do maintenance without the specific procedures needed for doing so having been reviewed in detail prior to doing so. It’s set up to make Pidge the genius above all others as she fixes the problem. It’s one thing for Lance to have messed it up, but for Hunk to not know what he’s doing when he’s supposed to be an engineer is annoying. If Hunk was allowed by this show to be smart, the way an engineer should be, then Pidge being smart wouldn’t feel so obnoxious. Instead, they have Hunk remark that the piece of tech they’re dealing with “looks like a big, delicious curly fry.” Because of course, Hunk is nothing but food. Ugh.

The ship, and thus the Paladins, start floating through a field of snowballs. I’m not sure why the ship wouldn’t have entered a stationary position while undergoing this kind of maintenance though. Or why all the Paladins are even outside for the maintenance. Seems like they were written to be out there solely so that they could have this snowball fight scene, which is a playfully pleasant moment. Hunk announces, “Squishy asteroid fight.” I don’t know why Hunk thinks they’re asteroids since asteroids are made of rock, not something that’s effectively a snowball. At least Pidge says something about them not being asteroids, and Allura calls them a spore. “This bioluminescent pulsing doesn’t seem natural,” Pidge says. Seems she needs to learn what the word “bioluminescent” means if she thinks it’s not natural. Just by looking at a snowball, excuse me, a spore glowing she declares it’s been programmed. That’s a massive conclusion for her to leap to. Ugh.

The quick decontamination scene is silly, but I love that Shiro seems to be really enjoying himself during it. Let that man take comforting showers more often please!!

Keith continues to ponder his blade, and he asks Coran about the possibility of the Galra ever being on Earth. Lance obnoxiously rants about Keith asking Coran about the Blue Lion. This is supposed to be more of Lance’s “rivalry” with Keith, but it just feels unjustified and unreasonable at this point.

Pidge’s going on about Alan Turing is a nice attempt at the show to point out how important Turing was to our technological development. The history of how he was abused by the British government because he was gay makes it all the more infuriating that more people don’t realize how much we owe him for all of our computers today.

The snowball, I mean spore’s glowing is apparently an encrypted message that someone’s under attack and a request for help. Coran declares that the “signal” came from Olkarion. I have a problem with it being referred to as a signal, but whatever. Once again, VLD has a planet that does not look like a planet; what the weird ridge of rock that extends way beyond the atmosphere of the planet is supposed to be, who knows. It’s ridiculous.

Coran not only knows the planet by name but explains the people who live there are known for being tremendous engineers. At least Keith asks why “tech wizards would use spores to send [a] signal.” Thank you, Keith. Pidge complaining that she doesn’t get to go to the city because the signal is coming from the forest is annoying. I get that they’re trying to create some kind of technology vs. nature argument in Pidge herself, but her being more interested in going to the “cool city” than in actually helping someone asking for help is irksome. Also, again, the message was in the spore, it isn’t being broadcast from the forest. These are some powerful spores if they can escape the planet’s gravity to go floating off into space. What sort of propulsion system do they have? because those spores need to be adapted into transportation technology. Highly propulsive spores that are a terrible communication system. It’s just weird.

Pidge “hate[s] the outdoors.” Keith on the other hand, says he “like[s] it out here, it’s quiet.” Awe. Let Keith have some peaceful time in nature!!

The Olkari (or at least Ryner) recognize Voltron on sight. They started living in the forest when the Galra attacked.

Pidge gushing over the Olkari being engineers is understandable since she likes technology, but, again, Hunk is the actual engineer of the group, but he just stands in the background.

The Galra have enslaved many of the Olkari and are forcing them to build a “superweapon” with their magical glowing hand/touch powers. We did the glowing hand/touch thing with the Balmerans/Balmera, and with Alteans and quintessence, why are we doing it again here?

The Olkari have plant-tech weapons, and they give the Paladins plant-tech crowns to wear to control the weapons. Hunk tastes his. He’s an engineer, the show places him in possession of advanced tech, and then writes him to lick the tech like it’s food. That is ridiculous.

“You must have a deep connection with nature,” Ryner says. “Not really,” Pidge responds. This tech v. nature thing this episode is doing is really heavy handed.

Ryner wants to rescue their king. (Does this show have any planets/societies who have governmental systems that are not monarchies?) He’s apparently the only one capable of designing the giant cube the Galra have had the Olkari build. The Paladins go on a stealth mission thanks to the Green Lion’s invisibility system Pidge installed on it (why hasn’t she put that system on all the Lions?).

Where is the Castle in all this? I can understand them wanting to hang back and not alert the Galra to their presence if possible, but are Allura and Coran just having tea?

Plot twist: the king is not imprisoned but watching soap operas. He’s helping the Galra, who now have no need/use for him since they’ve got the cube. Pidge blasts a hole in the wall with the Green Lion to help the Paladins escape. They return to the Olkari and then go on to form Voltron and attack the cube. The cube absorbs and redirects Voltron’s weapon blasts. So, they try using Voltron’s sword, which only just splits the cube into multiple functioning units. With the attack underway, it would make sense for the Castle to get involved now, but no. Lance tries freezing a cube, but no.

Pidge gets shot down, conveniently near Ryner, who tells Pidge she has to bond more strongly with Green’s spirit. So, after a few seconds of magic meditation, Pidge and Green are suddenly more “bonded” and return to the fight. Green has a plant canon: a beam that when it hits the cube causes plants to grow out of the cube. I’ve thought Blue’s ice canon and Red’s lava canon were bothersome, but a plant canon is just… absurd.

The Galra flee the planet when the Olkari attack in a very short montage. Shiro sets up the idea that the Olkari are allies of Voltron in fighting against Zarkon. And then we cut to everyone back on the Castle Ship. Who knows what Allura and Coran were doing the whole time.

Keith gets happy reflecting on the idea that everyone in the universe is related, “even the Galra.” I like seeing Keith seemingly happy in this episode. His thinking about the Galra and starting to piece together his connection to them is giving him something he really needs.

Zarkon’s ship shows up and the episode ends.

I’m really tiring of the Pidge-is-so-special-so-let’s-make-her-the-center-of-the-narrative writing like this episode gave us. Again, I can understand her being involved with a technology-centered story like this, but there was no reason Hunk shouldn’t have had some play in this too.

[threeopennames]

10072022: T11

Chapter 11: Convulsions 

Plot: Isabella really, really wants to have sex with Edward. Also Jacob and his dad show up at the very, very end of the chapter. Also we drop the name of the book!

ISABELLA: She gets angry at Edward for reading minds, but only in this context because it makes her look worse. This is not surprising given what we’ve established about her code of ethics, so it’s good to see some consistency! CONSTANT lying from her this chapter, establishing Isabella does it even to Edward and for no reason. Nothing is too small or petty to lie about, it seems like, even though she gets really testy with Edward whenever he even slightly conceals his intentions. She hates double standards, by the way! Also we learn that Isabella hates the color green. 

EDWATCH: The man is cold, apparently icy to the touch. That seems like a dealbreaker too but some people like doing things with ice cubes so I won’t judge. ‘I’m sorry I upset you’ isn’t an apology! That’s like gaslighting someone into thinking you did nothing wrong by putting the blame on them for getting upset. 

MIKEWATCH: Mike re-enters the story briefly to do his Mike thing, because the story needs someone to hate at all times. Apparently he’s more perceptive than Isabella, though, and seems to conclude that Edward wants to eat her. This was probably intended by the author to be a sign of jealousy from Mike but really it just makes Isabella look worse. Like, is there any reason yet to conclude Edward isn’t going to eat her? Edward has given no indication of what he likes about her apart from her being so special, I’d say it’s still a pretty valid concern. But whatever, I don’t understand TRUE LOVE between a woman and a living corpse so I shouldn’t read too much into this. 

Another ‘nothing happens’ chapter, these are pretty tough to get through. I suppose saying ‘nothing happens’ is a bit misleading, Edward and Isabella talk a BUNCH about inane stuff like favorite colors and what Arizona is like and other associated nonsense. These, I think, are supposed to fill in the parts that make Edward fall in love with Isabella. Like, her answers are supposed to be so unique and special that proves he’s more than just physically attracted to her. That is also why her answers are obscured and we don’t get to listen much to exactly what she says, because the author realizes there’s pretty much nothing Isabella can say that will actually be convincing on that front. Also what we’ve learned of her so far doesn’t sound all that attractive either: that she’s a compulsive liar, full of hate and paranoia, and has very little agency. It’s also becoming increasingly possible she never changes or develops at all as the story goes along. Which then forces me to ask: where’s the actual plot of the story?

[i-love-my-exhoes]

Camera binds are colour blind

FBI agent watching me!au

Sehun x reader

1.7K words

part one (this is going to have two parts)

“I can’t believe she’s on that dumb site again!” Sehun’s voice echoed through the room, his eyes wide in disbelief and his voice raised in exhasperation. “come on sehunnie~ it can’t be that bad” his coworker, Chanyeol, said as he gazed down at his computer seeing the dumb shit his assignment was pulling “at least you didn’t get assigned to some YouTuber wannabe. All Baekhyun does is search things like how to get fans, or how to seduce girls, and then correct himself into non-binairy terms. Besides, she’s your first assignement, there’s no way they gave you someone bad”.

It’s true that your Sehun’s first assignment. The boy fresh from fed school got appointed to you after you searched “how to make something da bomb”. Any idiot could see that you didn’t mean an actual bomb but of course the FBI couldn’t just let you off the hook. So now Sehun was forced to watch you scroll through tumblr like your life depended on it.

“S-she just opened tumblr, on her phone... but it’s still open on her computer? and she’s still in front of it?” He stuttered out when you pulled out your phone, bored by Tumblr, only to open the same dumb app on your phone. 

Chanyeol rolled his chair up behind Sehun’s computer, his eyes widening when he saw Sehun’s words were true “wow, that’s some dedication she got there. What is she even doing on tumblr? she one of those aesthetic, hipster, schoolshit blogs?”.

“Worse...she runs a meme blog”

Silence reigned in the room apart from the frantic typing of one of their colleages, Sehun heard from Jongin that Jongdae had been chatting with his assignment so he wasn’t very surprised at the other man’s agressive typing. another heartbeat of silence passed between the two men before the taller fell to his knees before Sehun. “YOU HAVE TO SWITCH WITH ME!!!” Chanyeol shouted, disturbing everyone in the room, Minseok even threw an ice-cube to shut him up but he missed.

After the commotion had died down, Sehun scoffed at the tall man that was still kneeled before him. “Wy would I even trade with you? You’ve been complaining about Baekhyun for days, why would I take him?” he asked,one eyebrow raised in skepticism. Chanyeol gave Sehun puppy dog eyes and begged once again. “you don’t understand Sehun, SHE’S MY SOULMATE!” this time, minseok’s ice-cube did hit it’s target.

“I can’t believe you’re on that dumb site again!” your roommate, Jongin, shouted at you. “you were supposed to do the dishes today (y/n)! I swear to god Tumblr is ruining your life” He said taking a quick look at you, scrolling mindlessly through the site, before continuing with a grumble “or well whatever ‘life’ you had in the first place”. You laughed at that “You can’t ruin what you don’t have my man”. He just rolled his eyes, turning on the faucet and putting the dishes in the sink. “by the way, don’t you have class in like five minutes?”

Your head shot up at that, looking towards the clock eyes wide in panic. You hadn’t been late for class in years, being punctual was important in your eyes so being late wasn’t a daily occasion for you. You relaxed when you saw the time, taking a pillow off the couch and chucking it against your roomie’s head. “you dick, you know that class doesn’t start till five”. He turned around and grinned at you. “maybe if you do our dishes next time I won’t bother you like this“.

“sometimes I wonder why I ever thought it was a good idea to move in with you” your grumble reached Jongin, who in turn splashed you with some dirty dish-water. “because you love me... and because you think I have a nice ass” he replied, throwing you a wink. That boy got way too flirtatious sometimes, even though he got shy fairly quickly too. Almost as if he had two different personalities.

Sehun’s mouth was pulled into a straight line. He always complained about you but was never really annoyed by your antics, that was until he saw you being with Jongin. His mood confused him more than anything, he didn’t see a reason for him to be grumpy but he knew he was. And so did everyone in the building. Chanyeol was quivering in the dark aura that surrounded Sehun’s computer and Minseok kept glancing back and forth nervously, also effected by Sehun’s gloomy mood. Jongdae was the only one that seemed completely unfazed, striding right up to his younger colleague.

“ what’s with the long face buddy?” he spoke, ignoring the glare Sehun sent him and the warning glances he got from the others. “I was born with this face Jongdae, do you have a problem with it?” Dae just remained unshaken, laughing off Sehun’s reply. “does it by any chance have anything to do with your assignment?”. Silence spread throughout their department (apart from Chanyeol’s shocked gasp). Everyone knew that no one was supposed to feel anything towards their assignments, no admiration, no pity, and most of all no interest.

Sehun’s eyes were fierce as he sent Jongdae a murderous glare. “I do not know what you are implying Jongdae, but what you just said reminds me of something. Who have you been chatting with so much recently? You always seem to be busy with them” He knew he shouldn’t have said that but Jongdae had crossed the line, he deserved it. The tension between the two was palpable. Jongdae’s kitten smile had finally dropped of his face, replaced by a frown.

He was about to reply when Minseok cleared his throat. Neither of the two had noticed their senior walking up to them, too busy with each other, but now that he was there they could feel his menacing aura. “let’s not go around baselessly accusing each other of things now, okay?” the smile on his face was so fake that it scared even Sehun. “y-yeah, you’re right. Haha, oops how silly of me. I’ll just go eat my lunch now” Jongdae stuttered, trying to walk away but Minseok cleared his throat once again. “I believe your break ended five minutes ago, just get back to work.” The boy let out a bunch of whines but to everyone’s, but mostly Sehun’s, relief he did get back to work.

You were hurrying to your class, not even close to being late but stressed anyway, checking your phone once again just to make sure you actually did have class. You had stood in front of an empty lecture hall one too many times too not have developed the habit to check twice. You noticed that an app had been opened, something you don’t necessarily remember doing, but brushed it off since it wouldn’t be the first time you had absent-minded opened an app.

Once you got to class, sitting way at the back because only a few others had arrived yet, you opened you laptop. noticing that the app you had been using for your projects had been opened. This was weird because you thought that the last project you had to hand in this year had already been finished, but looking at the app now you noticed that you had apparently changed it in the past hour. You would have considered this, had your laptop battery not been dead since last night. You had only just started charging it so how could you have worked on your project? Unless someone had hacked you, but why would they change your project?

Deciding to check the project to make sure whoever hacked you didn’t mess it up you opened the file. Only to be met with your own work. “nothing’s different about this” you mumbled to yourself as you scrolled.

“NOTHING DIFFERENT? I have not worked on this for an hour, risking my exposure, just for her to think she did all of this herself!” Sehun looked at you through the webcam disapprovingly, barely dodging the ice-cube Minseok had scooped up from his empty soda cup.

You hummed, looking over the last two pages again. “well I sure as hell didn’t write that” you concluded as you looked over the pretentious usage of words. Somewhere in the two pages that hadn’t been added by you stood a picture of a model, one of the colours used was described as ‘blood orange’ even though it was obviously just red. You rolled your eyes, the content that the hacker had added was good but why would you call red ‘blood orange’ if you’re not just being pretentious?

“oh she did not just roll her eyes at me, I’m the one that rolls their eyes in this relationship” Sehun murmured to himself, wary of Minseok’s ice cold punishment for being too loud. “why would she eve-” he didn’t get to finish his sentence before you had started altering the piece of text he had written for you. “Why on earth would she call that red? is she colour blind, oh I am not having this”

He started furiously typing.

Your eyes widened as the word ‘red’ spontaneously changed back into ‘blood orange’. Was whoever was hacking you really bold enough to just hack your project back into what they made of it while you were fixing it? You stretched your hands in front of you, preparing, before starting to change it back, but before you had even typed the word your hacker had started typing again as well. This went on for a while, the both of you aggressively slamming your fingers on the keyboard trying to get the words to go your way, Before al of a sudden the both of you were typing on a new page and the words written weren’t just ‘red’ and ‘blood orange’ anymore. Instead the page just read.

“I’m with the FBI, stop changing it into ‘red’ it’s obviously blood orange”

Alrighty I’m ending this here so I can actually post something for once in my life. I have like 6 WIPs right now, which is a lot for me, and I’m very busy with school so I feel like if I don't post this part now it might take me a very long time before I can post this. I’m sorry for anyone who read that and expected it to be good.

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Chapter Twenty-Two

It was the in-between period. Intersection of two breaking points. Everyone has them, and I had yet to have mine. But it was my job, and on some days, my passion, to help others manage theirs.

So what was I doing in this in-between? The answer was that I drew a breath and released. Such times were the moments where I lost myself, lost everything. Aware, but absent. The previous interaction, gone. The next, not here yet. Everything was as in the current.

From the outside of my mind, a ringing in my ear; beside the chair where I sat, the table where the phone lie. That familiar tone, breaking my thoughts, digging into my skin just as my nails were.

“Vesuvius, someone is here to see you,” the receptionist's voice droned.

“Peter?” I wondered. That's who was scheduled to see me next, at least that was what my memory suggested.

“No, not Peter. Peter said he wouldn't be making it today. Don't you remember?”

“Right. Of course I do. Well, what of my next appointment?”

“Called in sick. Do you read your emails?”

I scoffed. “Do. I. Read. My. Emails? Of-fucking-course I do!” My words expressed anger, but I remained calm and my voice soothed throughout.

I checked the schedule on the computer. Indeed, I had at least a couple hours of open availability. I rubbed my forehead and felt the folds of the forming wrinkles.

Why didn't I know that already?

“Very well, Lacey,” I told the receptionist. “Let them know I'll be out.”

Out of the whole exchange, I never thought to ask who said person was. Wasn't that something you were supposed to do? Always know who was asking for you. Know who to expect. Did I have an unknown stalker?

I rubbed my forehead again. It would be better just to find out and let things run their course.

Down the halls, to my left, the door opened with a shove and before I saw who it was, I heard the humming of a familiar tune.

“If you're tired and you know it, clap your hands...” I muttered. As I did, I heard two claps and as I looked over, I saw who it was, swaying their legs back and forth.

“Blanc,” my eyes widened. “What...what a surprise. How have you been?”

“Happy!” Blanc grinned.

Not the response I was expecting. Then again, what was I expecting?

“It's so good to see you. Come on in. We can chat in my office.”

Blanc nodded and bounced off their seat. I walked back through the halls, Blanc following behind, humming tunes I didn't know of.

“You know,” I mentioned. “We have been worried sick about you.”

“Oh? Why's that?”

“I mean, we haven't heard from you in months and you just vanished. We didn't know what happened to you.”

Blanc's smile lowered to a grimace.

“I can tell you once we're in,” they chirped. If that was the right word.

Was it that serious?

We entered the room, they closed the door behind them and sat down. I took my seat across, and stared at who I was facing. There were differences, things I hadn't noticed before: longer hair, blonde streaks that offset the jet black. They wore a flannel turtleneck and gloves, probably to hide the metal arm. Or, just for the fun of it.

“So, what's been going on with you lately?” I asked, more out of curiosity, yet I found myself trapped in counseling mode and began to shake my head, wondering if I was turning this into a session.  “It's been nine months since we've heard from you and here you are, showing up where I work as if it's nothing. Can you even imagine how much we've missed you?”

“Wow...nine months, huh?” Blanc smiled, consuming the words they uttered. “It's as if I've been reborn.”

“What do you mean?”

They shook their head. “I'm not really sure.”

“We all missed you. You know we care about you, right?”

“I know. I'm sorry,” Blanc spoke in earnest.

“You just left one day and none of us knew what happened to you. Do you have any idea how worried we have been?”

“You guys have been the closest thing I've had to a family. I just wasn't satisfied at the time not knowing who I was. I felt like I had to know and I didn't know how, but I felt like once I was away, I would figure things out.”

I gulped. I evaded what was gnawing at me in favor of a separate question.

“How did you get by? What about food? Shelter? Were you homeless all this time?”

“It's kind of a funny story,” Blanc gave a laugh that sounded like a cough. “I was at a park one day when I first noticed it.”

“Noticed what?”

“I was sitting under a tree, hungry as fuck. Like, I'm saying stomach growling, the whole ten yards.”

“Nine,” I corrected.

Blanc ignored my interjection. “I remember saying to myself, 'I'd sure be happy right now if I had something to eat', and just like that, an apple fell out of the tree.”

“It's funny how things work like that sometimes.”

Blanc snapped their fingers. “I thought so too! I remember taking a bite out of the apple, and thinking 'this is good and all, but I'd be happier if I had some pie' and lo and behold, someone walking by came up to me and was all 'bruh, I can't finish this pie and I don't want it to go to waste. You want it?' and of course, I was all 'fuck yeah, mate!'”

“Interesting...”

“I think I've developed super powers,” Blanc leaned over. “It's like whatever makes me happy, I can get! Y'know that whole Spider-Man quote?”

“Not really. I'd have to ask Trent or my wife about it.”

“Well, it's like, if I have this power, I can use these powers to help others!”

“Do you really believe you have these powers?”

Blanc slumped over, gave it some thought. “Hm...maybe not.”

“Even still, I'm glad you've been okay.”

“To tell you the truth,” Blanc's voice lowered from the excitement of just a second ago. “For a while, I wanted to chase this euphoria I once knew, or thought I knew. Thinking that if I found it again, all my problems would be solved. When it never came, I thought that was it, and for a while, I thought of wanting to die.”

“Do you still think that way?”

Blanc shook their head. “No, I've already died a few times, so to speak. I think I'm through dying at this point. Getting a little tired of it, y'know?”

“I see. So what do you think you'll do instead?”

“I think I came to realize that this 'euphoria' that I was seeking was with me all along and I had to figure that out for myself. Now if I could spread this happiness to others, I know I can change the world.”

“Is that what you wish to do?”

“I don't know yet,” Blanc shrugged. “But I think we'll come to a conclusion together.”

“Is that why you wished to see me today?”

“In part. Brainstorming is fun, but I could have done that with anyone. It was more that I know you.”

“So why not go to Trent, or my wife?”

Blanc shook their head.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“No, something is very right, and I'm glad I ended up where I did.”

I don't know why, but hearing that brought down a jolting sweat in me.

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Of course!”

“When did you first come to this realization? Did something happen that you think could have triggered these 'powers' of yours?”

“Yes. It's what I came here to tell you, actually.”

“What is it?”

“I remember.”

There it was. I hoped that I didn't let my shock show through, and marched on, stone faced.

“What do you remember?”

“Things here and there. Who I was before. How I ended up here.”

I drew out a slow breath. My apprehension was lifted. “Maybe we can be re-introduced, then. Could you tell me a little about yourself?”

“Well, it's kind of a long story...”

I let out a laugh. “I've heard that one before. Luckily for you, I have time.

“I know.”

It took me a second before I registered what Blanc said.

“Well, for starters, it's funny how you guys got it right. My name has been Blanc Slait from the beginning. It's a silly name and I've thought of changing it. It's not really far off from the name I was given at birth. But I figure at this point, you guys re-named me it, and just got really damn lucky, so I'm keeping it to honor you guys.”

“That sure is something. If you were to change your name, what would you go with?”

“Now that!” Blanc pointed upward. “Is brilliant! I haven't given that much thought. Maybe Oreo, or Snickers.”

“Candies?”

Blanc shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

“If you feel comfortable, that's what matters.”

“Yeah, for sure! As long as I'm happy. They do sound kinda like something I would name a cat, though if I wanted to, I could be my own pet.”

We both shared a laugh. I drew another breath.

“That's not all I remember.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don't just remember times before. I remember parts of me that I never got to experience. Memories that I couldn't have had, but they're surely mine.”

“Such as?”

“It's hard to explain, but I remember what you did to me.”

There it was, the shattering.

“I remember how when I was recovering at your apartment, you would visit me every night and poison me. I couldn't have remembered that. I was asleep. You were keeping me from remembering. Yet I was finally able to remember once I left. I don't even know how you managed that, but I know it happened.

I looked down. For the first time in a while, I felt like I was going to be the one to shed some tears.

“I'm sorry. You must think of me as cruel, even wicked. I just want you to know that I meant well.”

“It's all right!” Blanc grinned. “I harbor no ill will toward you, or anyone.”

“Just so you know, neither Trent nor my wife know what I did. They wanted you to get better. So did I. But I wanted you to forget, start a new life. That's all.”

“I understand. Congrats on the marriage, by the way. Sorry I didn't attend.”

“Thank you.”

I tried to loosen up, but there was now a tightness to everything.

“There is just one thing I need to ask of you,” Blanc added. “I want the time cube back.”

“So that's what that is...”

“I know you took it from me. You said you wanted me to start a new life. And maybe I will. Maybe I already have. But I still want it back.”

“Why do you want it? What is it?”

“I think you already know. Otherwise you wouldn't have taken it.”

“Let me guess: some sort of time traveling device?” I joked.

“I guess you could call me a time traveler, then? I don't know, I've never done the sort of thing before. It was a life or death situation. Hence why it seemed like I just fell from the sky. I needed to get away, wherever it happened to be. I'm just glad I ended up here.”

“Like an angel falling from heaven...” I caught myself muttering.

“What?” Blanc stared at me.

“I don't really know. But you're right. I knew what you held was a device used for time travel. I have also dabbled, though with a different device. My father was an inventor, he once left, without a trace, leaving his device behind. I tried using it to search for him, but to no avail. I ended up meeting Trent and Juniper sometime in my search, and after having meeting them, I went back to searching for a little while, but I never found him. After a while, I gave up and settled down, living with those two, and I ended up leaving my former life behind, developing a bond with them and creating a new life for myself.”

“I never knew all that.”

“It's okay. This isn't about me. I just wanted to let you know that I could relate to your situation in some capacity.”

“Even still, I need it. I don't want to give up. I left some things unfinished. There are some bad people out there and --”

“Don't bother.” I found myself saying, as cold and lifeless as it may have come out, I felt it had to be said.

“I'm sorry. This isn't something I can brush off. I thought I could take a break for a while and come back when I was ready, but that's the thing: my problems didn't go away.”

“Some things you can't finish. Some problems you can't solve. All of that is in the past. You can start new things, finish new things. Allow yourself to enjoy this new life you have.” I wasn't sure if I was saying this to Blanc or giving myself a reminder.

“I once met these folks who told me that the past is all we have because the present is always fleeting and the future is just what hasn't become the past yet. But the past is forever.”

“That sounds like a depressive thought pattern. If you want to know what I think, I think the present is all we have. We don't know about the future, and we cannot change what happened in the past. It's important to take in the present for all it is; the good, the bad, everything outside and in between. Allow yourself to acknowledge it all.”

There. That should have reached Blanc. I could go back to my day and not worry about such silly talks of time travel or danger. At least, that was my hope. There was still something, something I couldn't place, gnawing at me, but I felt the source coming from across the room.

“Maybe, but I think they have a point. I think you do, too. The past really is forever, we can't change it.”

So why go on with this talk of time travel?

“But,” Blanc continued. “We can create a new past, a new present, and a new future. We can create something new that's better than how things were and how things will be.”

“I've tried!” Those two words escaped and as much as I grit my teeth, they had already been released into the air, out of my control.

Blanc nodded a slow nod, something I didn't understand. I did my best to regain composure, but I was afraid that the damage was already done.

“I know my future; I've tried to change it time and time again.”

“I know your future, too,” Blanc told me. “And that's why I came here. So we can change it together.”

“Oh?” I managed to chuckle a little. “What would you know of my future? First you call yourself a time traveler, now a fortune teller?”

Blanc shook their head. “It's because I've lived your future. I've met you before, though you were different, then.”

“Different how?” I leaned forward.

“Well, first of all, your hair wasn't blonde. Second, you were more of a hologram than human. Oh, and your name wasn't Vesuvius.”

I froze, but then couldn't help but close my eyes and smile.

“Oh? And what was it?” I was close to asking what will it be? But if we were discussing changing the future...no. I had to shake that off as well. I knew better.

“Etna.”

That word echoed. It was getting to be too much. I could sense steam rising throughout the room, but I knew the temperature hadn't changed.

“Ah,” I drew a deep breath, then released. “I've forgotten all about that name. Abandoned it when I came here. Felt I needed a new start, you see. Got myself a degree, told everyone my name was Vesuvius Marlboro and not Etna Modelo, even managed to forge a birth certificate and identification.” I needed to stop myself. I knew I needed to. I didn't have an explanation for my unraveling in front of a complete stranger.

A complete stranger that has lived with you for months. A complete stranger who you took in and manipulated for fear that you would be exposed. Well, here you are: exposed. Because that's what you are. Therapist? Forged. Horticulture? Just quick glances at books. Guesses and conjecture. 'Fake it 'til you make it', right? Well for a while, I sure made it, and now this...thing that I took in is threatening all of it.

“That's right, I'm a fraud,” I couldn't help but smile, even though I wanted to scream.

“Modelo?” Blanc tilted their head. “I thought it was Montclair.”

I couldn't help but do the same. We exchanged puzzled looks as if we were looking in a mirror, except neither of us looked alike. Unless the blonde streaks were some way of mocking me, which at this point, I didn't even doubt.

“Oh, right!” Blanc snapped their fingers. “I forgot, those memories were fake!”

“I'm not really following, I'm afraid.”

“It's okay. It was a different future. All of that's behind me now.”

“Is it? Wouldn't it be ahead of you?”

“Not if we change it! That's what I'm saying!”

“Look,” I was really feeling the claws dig in now. “When I watched as the Vietnam war happened, when the government forced soldiers to in equal measures massacre, and get massacred, I thought that if enough people got together and protested, the government would listen and stop. But instead they would turn against protesters and slaughter their own. Campuses, the streets. I thought by going into the future, leaving behind my girlfriend at the time, that I would see things change, and how never again would these things occur. I was wrong. This world is already authoritarian and ruled by a powerful few. Whether it be influence, money, military, technology, or a combination of all four, they have much more than the average person has.”

Blanc gulped. I would have been lying if I said I didn't relish in this.

“The masses mean nothing. Do you know what happened if you tried going against these powers? You'll get killed. You mean nothing to them. I knew this and I wanted to protect you.”

“I appreciate that, but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't do anything.”

“Just do something small in your community. Brighten someone's day.  You can't change the world, but you can change someone's world.”

“Like yours?”

Flashes and jolts struck the mountaintop. Pieces of earth crumbled and rolled from the peak. There would be nowhere to take cover from.

“You said you knew my future?” I cleared my throat. “Well, so do I. I received an email a while back from a private address telling me that they intend to kidnap my wife and I and extract our thoughts and personalities to better their AI they were developing. It all sounded so silly, so crazy. But that's the thing: I knew it wasn't.”

“How?”

“I thought they were visions, or dreams, but there were a few times where I wound find myself transported to this place and these two men would greet me. They would tell me their progress on this project they were working on and how it would change the world for the better. They told me they were starting a new department, and I would be appointed the head of it, but not in my current form. I didn't know why they wanted me, but I knew all of what I experienced was real. I knew how they wished to harvest me, to control me. I felt the cold metal of the walls, the terror of their machines, the sounds. None of it could be so easily replicated.”

“You were there?”

“Oh yes,” I nodded. I shouldn't have admitted any of this. All of it came out. It was like Blanc was stealing my secrets from me and all the words overflowed. “I also know I would be powerless to stop them once they're all ready. I have my own device to travel through time, but so do they. I know it's real as well, because I've seen their device and I know that the device you stole from the organization you fled is the same organization that will decide my future.”

“It doesn't have to decide your future, though!” Blanc spoke as if they were buying a lottery ticket and thinking there was a chance of hitting the jackpot.

“There is no way around it. I've made peace with my life. I'm just going to enjoy my life with Juniper while I can.”

“But what if you can live out your life with her...for the rest of your life? What makes you think you don't deserve to be happy?”

Am I the one getting a therapy session here?

I had to blink. Make sure I was where I thought I was.

“It's not about what I do and don't deserve. I think the goal is to be content, regardless of the outcome.”

“But what if you could be more than content? I think you deserve to live your life as a human, living the kind of life you want to live. More than that, I think it's possible. More than possible, even. That's why I came to you today. I want to help you.”

I noticed Blanc sipping on a mug. I noticed the label of an herbal tea packet on the table next to them and steam rising from the mug. Just as there was steam around me.

“Where did you get that?” I asked. I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes.

“You offered it to me. Don't you remember?”

I remembered no such thing. Maybe it was just a lapse in memory. Maybe after a while of the same procedures, some things just ended up getting blocked out.

I shook my head.

“Anyway, you said you wanted to help me? Really? What could you possibly do?”

Blanc grinned a toothy grin. I noticed much whiter teeth than I've ever seen from them before. It felt off. The whole room, the whole situation, the whole day...everything was off. Something told me this feeling was not about to let up.

Blanc snapped their fingers.

“It's simple: we save the lesbians, we save the world!”

“...What?”

“I say we go to their base right now. Let's not bring Juniper along! Let's destroy all their equipment and foil their plans!”

“Are you out of your mind?”

“Yes! A little! But with my superpowers and our time traveling devices, I say it's worth a shot! If we were just anyone, sure, we could just sit idly by as everything seems futile, but we're not just anyone! I'm Oreo and you're Edna Mode.”

“I'm...who?”

“I don't know! I think I saw that name somewhere!”

“I think I'd rather just be me...”

Blanc grabbed my hand.

“Come on, enough with this therapy! Let's go improve some lives!”

There was a flush that ran through me. Something unnatural.

“Don't I get a say in this?” I blurted, but I knew better. “Never mind, let's go,” I found myself saying after. I wanted this. I knew I wanted it. My agency.

I felt no transition. We were in my office, we ran out the door, and then...

The cold, murky steel. Exposed wiring and halls that branched out into endless corridors and endless arrays of doors. Crisp, manufactured air, both stuff and making it all too easy to breathe in. Equal parts office building and laboratory.

“I know where we are...” I murmured, then turned to Blanc. “How did we get here?”

Blanc, still grinning, replied. “You gave me back my time cube, remember?”

“No. I didn't. It wasn't with me. I don't think I could have...”

“I'm so happy! I know we can do it!”

I tore myself from Blanc's grip. There was no sting, no pain. But I felt like molten lava.

“We should go. I don't know what we're doing here.”

“I do! All we have to do is go to the lab where the AI is being built by Dr. Laharl and Dr. Vyers! I don't even know if they're real people, but I know the room is real! It's where you shot me!”

It baffled me how someone could talk about being shot and speak with such glee. Before I had time to ponder any of that, Blanc skipped down the halls.

“I'm sure we'll find it in no time at all!” They sang and chanted, disregarding all need for secrecy. All I could do was chase after the fool.

“Stop! You'll get us both killed!” I was in no shape to run, yet I did anyway, the heels of my shoes clanging against the floors. It made too much noise. Every movement was too much. It. Was. All. Just. Too. Much.

Before I could stop to take a breath, the sound of more heels against the floor resounded; rows and rows of footprints. Running soldiers with their guns to each side of us. Blanc stopped dead in their tracks and looked around.

“Stop!” The soldiers yelled. “This area is restricted!”

All of them drew their weapons. I knew they were about to open fire. Maybe being killed would be better than being taken away by some company to be experimented on, but I just didn't know. All the while, Blanc continued to grin.

“It's okay! I think we just need to celebrate getting here!” Blanc cheered.

I closed my eyes.

I heard the deafening cry of the bullets ring, but after a moment, I was still breathing. I opened my eyes to see red balloons where the soldiers were.

“I was thinking balloons would make us happier! The soldiers must have ran away!”

My breath was growing shorter. My heart, my lungs, I wasn't sure which was working harder.

“Oh? Were you expecting something violent to go down?” Blanc asked, before snapping their fingers, and all the balloons popped, blood erupting from each of them, spraying all of the walls. I jumped, the images burned into my eyes. Blanc just laughed.

“Too violent?” Blanc looked displeased.

I blinked, the surrounding area was filled with confetti. I must have imagined the blood the whole time. Maybe I imagined the soldiers showing up. There were no weapons to be seen, either. I couldn't remember the last time my imagination had run so wild.

Yes. That's it. You're freaking out. Seeing things. You're back in your office. You're safe. Everyone is safe.

“Come on!” Blanc motioned. “We're almost there!”

I shook my head, but followed anyway.

We passed through all sorts of doors that I could see through. Although the surrounding walls were a murky shade of blue and brown, the insides of the doors seemed littered with stuffed animals and pink walls. I wasn't sure what those rooms were meant for, if anything. Certainly not what I would have associated with an all powerful organization.

Finally, Blanc ran through these double doors and I went in after. The room itself was huge; rows and rows of computers and a master computer system with a large monitor. Wires and engines humming all around. Blanc, however, spared no time to marvel, and ran further in. I strode through, not allowing myself to run.

When I finally reached the end of the lab, there was little to see aside from what looked like an MRI scanner, a table filled with medical equipment, including IV tubes, and two sets of doors at the other end, both sets of doors reminding me of elevator doors, for whatever reason.

“This is it! This is all where it's supposed to happen!”

“What next?” I asked. I knew we shouldn't have been here. I knew something was wrong ever since Blanc showed up, but I didn't know how to stop things from progressing.

“I agree,” a voice of a middle-aged man piped up, his voice that of a Scottish man imitating an American accent. “You know you shouldn't be here.” I recognized the voice right away as one of the men I had seen before when I was taken here. 

I saw as he walked forward, a short man wearing a black coat. His hair braided into a pony tail, though I could have seen the receding of his hairline from a mile away.  He wore a monocole as if to make himself seem more important, but all I saw was some goofy looking man, prime for ridicule.

“Ah, Etna. It's been a while. We haven't needed you yet, but I'm glad to see you again.”

I shivered, and backed away, toward Blanc.

“Hey, it’s you! Dr. Vyers! You really do exist!” Blanc seemed so giddy.

The man known as Dr. Vyers peered at Blanc while fiddling with his monocle.

“As for you...I don't know who you are, but if I go back in time by just a little bit, we can make sure you never show up here again...���

Blanc wasn't wavered by this threat.

“I'd be happier if you just disappeared instead!” Blanc smiled wide.

I didn't even have to blink this time. Dr. Vyers vanished. I turned to face Blanc, who turned to me, stilted movements, but grinning all the same.

“Isn't this great? I'm so happy! I think I finally realized what it is!”

Blanc placed their hands on my shoulders.

“Euphoria has been with me this whole time! I can feel it! I know everything will be okay because I am happy!”

I wasn't.

I drew from my labcoat pocket the item I never knew I had.

“What are you doing, Etna?”

The timbre of my voice was a shallow, hollow self.

“Defining my own happiness, I'm afraid,” before aiming my object at Blanc's arm and pulling the trigger. The loud ring pierced my eardrums, but I had become immune in such a short time span.

Blanc seethed, their grin loosening. “Damn! That was my non-robotic arm! How'd you know?”

“I didn't. Lucky guess,” I managed to utter in my same monotone before erupting in a fit of laughter.

“I don't understand what's going on!” Blanc whined. The pain must have been unbearable.

“Everyone has their breaking point,” was my reply, pure emotion rushing through me. I felt free, unrestrained for the first time in a while as I watched what I wasn't even sure to be human lose consciousness.

[fizzingwizard]

I started this on my lunch break, still gotta rewatch to be coherent but wanted to put down some bullet points of Feelings!!!

The bottom line is I did like Bokura no Mirai, because I think the Tri writers are good, BUT I think half of the issues in BoM were their hands being tied by the limited time left, and the other half simply planning way too much. Both are amateur mistakes and yet anime movies routinely make them, so I’m not as strict as I should be.

As an aside, my personal theory for this movie was that Taichi would let the two worlds merge. I thought he was going to shock everyone by choosing not to stop it, letting the worlds merge sans reboot, and that would result in humans and digimon living in harmony. It’s an unfinished theory obviously, since it supposes a different outcome of the merge than Yggdrasil believes will happen, and also because even if the world was fine after, we’d lose the future where there are two worlds and Taichi needs to be an ambassador between them. But that’s what I was expecting, something of that nature anyway, let’s say. I suppose I’m overly influenced by Tsubasa Chronicle lol.

k now for some highs and lows!!!

HIGHS

TAKERU, MAGNAANGEMON AND DEVIMON!!!! There is NOTHING like Takeru angst. omg. Not for me anyway. No other character’s trauma hit me the way Takeru still carries the burden of what happened to his partner in their very first boss battle.

People predicted Nishijima’s death but I did NOT. I thought of course he was going to be reunited with Himekawa. So this will figure in my “lows” section as well, but as for his apparent death itself, I was moved. But it’s also totally unfair and it’s more of a low than a high for Reasons. But it still deserves a mention here.

Mimi telling Meiko (and the others) to stop blaming themselves. I like Meiko, I do, but I was really annoyed with her when Hikari was feeling guilty and Meiko just had to feel guilty for that. It’s par for the course with her, and I was really defensive of her last movie - I think it was the way it felt like she was using Hikari’s distress to vent her own feelings that bothered me this time around. That being said, I certainly empathize with her and with Hikari, and I’m glad Mimi was so nice and caring about it. (Her line would have been perfectly suited to Sora - our Mimi is growing up!)

The cute moments with the Digimon - glad we still got some of those.

Yamato and Gabumon’s conversation on the balcony was UGH. So great. They’re probably my favorite partner relationship since Adventure. It was so IC and so perfect. I could cry at how sweet and sensitive and full of resilience Gabumon was. Just like his partner.

Also Yamato’s heartbreak over Taichi was sOOOO strong!! And then we they reunite he’s just like, “You’re late.” And you know what I thought of? Rini in the dub Sailor Moon movie. Hahahaha. I had actually hopped for a sweet moment between Taichi and Yamato but... well they stared at each other dramatically for a while, I guess that counts *cough*

KOUSHIROU was MAGIC. Part of me is like “fake science is fake!” but the other part is like “lol but if anyone could make fake science real it’d be Koushirou!” I love that, even when the others weren’t being forward about rejecting the reboot, and Yamato even implied that if Taichi thought it was the way to spare the most sacrifices he would do it, Koushirou was the one who emphatically said “NO!”

Hikari and everything about her. I love that she told Taichi she might not be able to forgive him. And I love that she said “thats why i’m going to fight alongside you.” And her expression during that last battle. It was the same determined look as Taichi’s. There are still a billion questions about her and Meiko as well, why what happened happened, maybe on second viewing I’ll understand more, but... I think it’s mostly “digimon lore” stuff that may never get explained.

Taichi’s phone call to Meiko at the end and the way the other kids acted. Of course I always love flustered and embarrassed Taichi. For the first time, I thought I could ship Meichi after the way Taichi called her and then did nothing but grunt and made her do all the work of carrying the conversation herself xD That boy is hopeless!

Also, Taichi in general. I’m still..... not quite sure what happened. Not quite sure what the takeaway is supposed to be. He was rescued by Nishijima after Yggdrasil’s life or death survival game, and came back to the real world... and chose to kill Meicoomon. In Kyousei, I was sad but on board because there did not appear to be any other day. I didn’t know what they’d do in Bokura no Mirai. Finales are often the age of miracles,  but on the other hand, as much as I wanted Meicoomon to reunite with Meiko, it would have been so underwhelming if everything just went back to normal with no sacrifices (oh yeah, Nishijima). So mixed feelings on how things played out. But one thing I do know is that I loved Taichi the entire time. I love that he’s not a straight up hero. He can do things that make his little sister say she’ll never forgive him. And he can be the kindest bravest person around. Right or wrong, I can’t help but like him.

LOWS

One thing - a lot of my lows result from things that went unanswered or at least I didn’t understand it last night. 

The story quite simply does not feel complete. It’s not even a feeling - it isn’t complete. What the hell was Yggdrasil’s comments about Daemon and whatever at the end. A joke? I didn’t really get the feeling. Was that dark cube some variety of dark spore? Or the one from Adventure? Also, we don’t get to find out what happened to real Gennai (or did I just miss it)? Up till now I never believed it was really him... maybe that was wishful thinking... but why tho

Taichi’s character development arc. He got a LOT. And I do love it overall, but I’m not quite sure I understand it. I suppose the simple answer is, he’s going to be an ambassador, and an ambassador needs to be able to negotiate, to see things in shades of gray, and (ok waxing poetical here but) to understand that life and death are a balance. Idk. I’m a Star Trek fan, “the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many” usually results in intergalactic shenanigans to steal whales from a different time. And who doesn’t love that?

Part of me just needed more... Idk, closure I suppose? about Meiko and Meicoomon after everything they went through. I wanted Meiko to be a bigger character in the finale movie. I’m surprised by that since I wasn’t warm to her in the beginning, but it feels wrong that in the end, all she got was a sweet farewell. It was very sweet! And heartbreaking! And I’m not exactly angry that Meicoomon was lost, but after 5 movies leading up to it, it just felt... i dunno, it lacked the sense of relief I was looking for. (However, I sometimes feel these things differently on rewatch. This is a scene I’ll be looking out for.)

The 02 gang’s been missing... like the said in Saikai. OK fine. Why didn’t the kids ever try to contact them beyond that one visit to Ken’s house?? Why weren’t they concerned that none of them were like “Hello, we heard digimon are raising hell, can we help?” That is the question folks. Tri definitely did NOT need more characters to juggle, but heck, “they’re all camping in a remote island with no electricity!” would have been a better excuse for why no one notices they’re not around.

Daigo’s death. Like I said, it was a hero’s death, and for that it was awesome. But a lot of the reasons why it was awesome were inferences. Like, Taichi was just like “whoa?” when nishijima was like “oh yeah maki’s disappeared she lost her mind searching for her dead partner.” This should have been way bigger news. I don’t see why they wouldn’t be intensely curious about their predecessors - yeah big world shaking battle is gonig on so I get it not being on the back burner, but it was totally just shoehorned in. No thank you! Daigo deserved better.

MAKI DIDN’T EVEN APPEAR. I had been so worried about her but I thought the worst that would happen would be she’d do something to redeem herself and die! But nope! She’s not there AT ALL. And Daigo’s DEAD! Honestly it wouldn’t be SO bad if we could be sure this wasn’t the end... because it just feels like there’s so much story left to tell, including theirs. The Original Chosen in Tri are more like a summary of “a fanfic I’d like to write someday.” Better to just not have included them. Found some different way to cause the reboot. They were treated worse in the end than the 02 kids, frankly.

one last quibble... Essentially no Taishiro. :( :( :( I mean just platonic moments. Just one would have been good! Oh well.

i’m totally leaving things out but that’s all I’ve got for the moment. rewatch imminent

[selenelavellan]

Monster Hunter AU

Inspired by @feynites post

TW for PTSD, blood, and vomit

She never meant to start a collection.

Truth be told, she never meant to be a monster hunter either. Had never asked for a destiny or a fate, or whatever else people call it. She had been caught off guard by an overly large owl once in the woods, dripping with black blood and a screech that made her ears ring for hours after. A branch had broken off in her hands while she stumbled backwards and away from it, and when it had lunged for her, it was nothing but bad instincts that had her point at it with the stick and shout an incantation she had read in a stolen book once.

She never meant for it to implode.

The popping sound it made still haunts her. Still makes her wake at night in a cold sweat, convinced she's covered in feathers and blood that burns through her skin, with hollow and jagged bone shards stuck in her clothes and hair, screaming for help. She avoids anything with a similar sound now; balloons, bubblegum, fireworks. The noise makes her jump and tense, her hands reach for weapons and wood and anything that gives her security.

Her mentor tells her to count, when it happens.

It helps.

Numbers are grounding, they're real, they're solid, they're constant. One plus one equals two in her world and the Other world, even if the routes to get there are different.

When she completes her training, her mentor gifts her a wooden abacus. Small enough to fit in her pack, to fiddle with and settle her nerves on long journeys or distant assignments.

“It's perfectly fine,” They assure her. “There's nothing wrong with getting a little help where you can.”

Her first solo assignment is supposed to be simple. An incubus stirring up trouble in a nearby settlement that needs to be taken care of. He's not difficult to find; Selene doesn't find any sign that he'd even tried to cover his tracks. She discovers him in an emptied mansion, long abandoned and worn down by time. He's lounging in between the posts of a rotted bed frame, making promises and vows laced with poisonous words that leave a rash on the backs of her hands as she moves towards him. Threats like arrows as they try to pierce through her armor, her own words turning them to nothing but steam with a quiet hiss.

When she gets him pinned to floor, secured in her trap of ash and salt, he screams. He screams and pleads and while his words no longer have the magic to wound her, they find her soft spots all the same. Her wand is pressed to the skin of his neck while the tips of his horns burn holes into the wooden floor beneath him; his magic fighting, struggling for release. Waiting for death.

A piece of wood in the lit fireplace crackles and pops and Selene thinks of black blood and wet feathers. Nightmares and broken bones and will this one pop or burn or just fall to the ground with a lifeless thud, golden eyes rolling back and into his skull while her wand shakes and glows and fills her with a power that only makes her feel cold inside.

She doesn't think she actually wants to know.

“I don't want to kill you,” She admits aloud. Quietly, and without power. The wand in her hand is thrumming, runes alive and excited for the gain they are expecting to make from his loss.

The incubus stills beneath her.

She thinks of her mentor, and how disappointed they will be in her. Dead on her first mission; the last five years wasted. She wonders if they will think she forgot her training. If perhaps she suddenly forgot that incubi remains have to be gathered and cleansed, that their stolen power has to be extracted before death or they will simply keep regenerating.

She wonders, briefly, if she will make a popping sound.

“...I believe you,” The incubus responds, his horns cooling as her arm flops back to her side. “And I don't believe in doing things you don't want to do.”

“I can't leave you to terrorize people here.”

“Have any of the people I've actually encountered called what I do terrorizing?” He shoots back.

Selene frowns, and considers. The reports hadn't...actually come from the victims. Almost all were from husbands and partners that were upset with the state in which he had left their significant others.

All of whom had only experienced a day or two of lethargy before returning to full health.

She doesn't really remember how they had gotten to her offering him asylum in her home. But when the pair arrives back in her modest cabin, she hears a tinkling of metal behind her as the incubus reveals a large cloth bag filled with gold and jewels.

“Consider us even,” The creature tells her as he hands it towards her.

Selene scrunches her face and turns away from the large bag of coin (at least triple what the town had offered for his extraction, but that is far from the point).

“I can't accept bribes, it's against the code. You can keep them,” She tells him as she opens her magic-resistant safe and pulls out a clean syringe and empty vial. “Now sit down please.”

The incubus winces as she sticks the needle through his bicep, pulling back on the syringe until it is filled with a vial of thick, dark blood.

“What is that for?” The incubus asks, as though perhaps she might be the one duping him in this situation.

“It's for tracking,” Selene informs him plainly as she corks the vial and deposits it back into her safe. “If you're going to stay here, you are my responsibility. If you escape, or try to run off, this will help me track you no matter which realm you try to go to. If I am going to sell the idea of keeping you alive to my mentor, I need to at least show them I am being responsible about it.”

...It's not a smooth transition.

But Selene is lucky; her mentor understands. They do not berate her for her softness, and instead help to properly ward up her cabin and weapons and keep one eye on the monster in their pupils home.

It becomes something of a habit, after that.

Perhaps it is the Incubus's influence, in more than one way, that leads her to it. Even if it is a lie when he says it, the simple knowledge of knowing there is someone out there who thinks she is right for making her choice, helps. And there are still some monsters in the world that cannot be saved; who are too far gone, or who are genuinely evil in harmful ways. Those who do not care for options or kindness, and only want their pound of flesh.

But they are not all like that, as she had been lead to believe.

The large, nine-eyed, three-tailed cat in the mountains that would destroy caravans and harass vendors on the trade route had only been starving and confused. A house cat now, practically. It had not meant to maim or injure, had only smelled the meat and milk being moved and acted accordingly. That is when Selene first buys the cooler, and strikes up the deal with the butcher. She buys the spoiled meats at a cheap price and feeds them to her monsters, who are in no danger from the developing bacteria. As her home becomes more and more filled, she finds herself more at ease in her own skin. Less prone to jumping at every noise, to clawing at her own arms, to daydreaming so deeply that she vacates her own body for hours at a time without meaning to.

She even gives them names.

The incubus becomes Des, the cat, Affection, the carnivorous rosebush in her backyard Sympathy. Even the gelatinous cube that likes to live in the sunspot on her counter and has greatly helped with her composting becomes Garas (And never fails to make Des giggle).

Her mentor is concerned about her kept company.

There is another job only a month after she acquires Garas; an old temple ruin in the local woods has recently become home to some sort of terror that has been sneaking through the village at night. Large enough to blot out the stars, leaving carts overturned and shops broken into and burgled.

Selene looks at the list of stolen items with interest, now more experienced in the ways of her work.

Books, toys, and the occasional piece of food.

Hardly the activity of something vicious, she thinks.

But she is loaded down with poisons and poems and her wand for the journey, all the same.

It is almost a scenic route, really. The sun is high in the sky, and the light it casts through the thick leaves overhead makes a rather beautiful pattern on the ground. She eases herself over an old rotted log, one hand on the trunk of a tree until she finds solid ground again.

And encounters a trail of wet, bloodied feathers on the ground.

The sight shakes her so viscerally she nearly turns back. Her breathing increases but her breaths are shallow and her vision blurs. A twig snaps beneath her boot and she jumps nearly four feet in the air at the noise, mind filling with panic, an echo of an owls screech in her ears, over and over and over again. Her skin burns and her stomach empties as the hand not holding back her hair scrambles through her pack until it settles on the smooth wooden surface of her abacus.

She counts aloud to drown out the false noises, moving the beads at a steady pace and timing her breaths in and out with the solid clicks as they slide along the metal pole to make contact with one another.

She has gone all the way to the hundreds before she finally feels in control enough to continue.

The temple itself is damp from a recent storm, and she has to glide her steps through shallow pools of water to avoid making excessive noise as she moves through it. Her boots are soaked through by the time she finally finds the slumbering creature.

It is, indeed, very large.

There is a pool of dark sludge formed around it, melding with the water already soaked through the temple. She can't seem to locate a face or head on the creature, though its weight shifts several times as she moves around it, trying to get a read on which monster this could be.

It doesn't look like anything she's ever read about or studied before.

When she finally lifts one of her feet from the water, hundreds of eyes open across the expanse of its body. Nearly simultaneous, and all turning to look at her.

Three quarters of them close, as four long limbs stretch out from the mass and turns towards her. A neck forms, long and curving and then, ah, there's the head.

She holds the wand in her fist tight to her thigh as the neck twists around her. Not near enough to touch, but six eyes inspect her warily before they seem to focus on her pack. The head nudges pointedly at the flap of it until it manages to wriggle in there, followed by a long tendril that rapidly retreats.

Her abacus in its grip.

“Hey!” She calls, chasing after her possession as it is lifted above her head, the creature tilting around it curiously as it holds it up to the light.

She reaches out to grab it in an attempt to climb its limbs and get her abacus back, but recoils as her fist fills with feathers, instead. Black and inky and wet from the temple water. She looks at it again; it appears to be covered in scales, shining in the light breaking through the stone overhead, a smooth body stretching and shifting as it comes further and further into consciousness.

An illusion, maybe...?

But as she reaches out for it again, more cautiously this time, she finds feathers once more. Soft and plush in her grip, but churning and uneasy with her empty stomach.

She frowns, resisting the urge to retreat as she stares up at the only item she's really attached to be tentatively bent by this oversized brute.

“That's mine,” She says anyway, pushing away any wariness in her voice. Confidence, that's the key. Be confident. “You need to give it back.”

The creatures head tilts as it seems to consider her words.

“Please,” She says, lacing the word with just enough power to show that she is not here to bend to his whims, or make him some strange offering, or whatever he might think.

The creature glances between the abacus and Selene for a moment, before slowly lowering it back into her outstretched hand.

“Thank you,” She says, tucking it back into her pack. “Now, you need to leave.”

Six large blue eyes narrow as they move closer to her, its head slightly taller than her own body.

“The town you have been visiting is unhappy with your thefts. You need to return to your own realm, or I will have to kill you.”

There is a low, echoing rumble as the creature readjusts again, crossing two of its limbs on the steps of the rise it has been seated on. Resting its head on top, eyes closing as it gives another low, dismissive rumble.

Selene sighs and looks at the room around her. She's not going to be able to drag it out of here with physical force alone, and she hadn't prepared any levitation or movement stanzas for something this large. Villagers have a habit of over-exaggerating, and she had apparently misunderstood the truth in their words this time around.

Not her best moment of judgment, she'll admit.

Behind it, in a corner on a stone pedestal, she can see a small pile of books and toys.

The missing items, she realizes.

She glances at the creature for a moment before moving towards them, instead.

One eye still on the creature, she opens up the top book. Many of the pages have been torn, or ripped haphazardly. Something talon shaped seems to have stabbed through several of the pages in the center as well.

She makes an overly dramatic sigh and licks her thumb as she turns the page as loudly as possible.

“It sure looks like someone,” she drawls. “Was trying to read this, with little luck. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?”

She sees the head shift slightly in its position, another low grumble echoing slightly.

“That's too bad,” She continues, flipping another page. “I could have helped them with this, if they wanted...”

The head turns to face her again this time, eyes still narrowed and wary.

She wiggles her fingers harmlessly in the air where he can see them. “Phalanges are a heck of a thing. Tricky to shift though, if you're not familiar with the anatomy.”

She waits a few more minutes, skimming over the contents of the book. Some old history stories from a land across the sea she hasn't seen before. Outside of her range of work; probably not a land she'll ever be able to see in her lifetime.

As she continues perusing, the shape in her peripheral vision begins to shrink. The large mass becomes more elven in shape, only slightly taller than her own form. With six blue eyes and six black wings sprouting from its back. The ends of its hands and feet are blurry though; as though they're unsure what to do with them. Selene raises her hand again, fingers wriggling in the air as they inspect them more closely, their hands becoming more solid as they manage to copy some of her details.

“Very nice,” She compliments, taking her cloak off to help cover their expanse of exposed skin (and maybe hide their wings a little, too). She hands them back the book, and they take it from her, looking at it with a frown before looking up at her and repeating “Very nice?” in a more quizzical tone as they try to push it back towards her.

She blinks, taking it back from them.

They don't speak the language, she realizes all at once.

That's...concerning. She's never met or heard of a monster that didn't at least understand the trade language before. Normally there is enough bleed through between their realms with the common root pieces of their language that conversations are still possible. It's part of how the monsters manage to cross through in the first place.

This makes things a lot more complicated.

“You,” She tries, pointing at them before making a stabbing motion with her hand to try to get her meaning across. “killer?”

They look at her curiously for a moment before shaking their head slowly.

Ok, well. That's something.

She can't just leave them here though.

…well. Maybe Des could help with translations?

She closes the book and takes a few steps away, making a motion with her hand behind her. “Follow me.”

The creature tries to follow closely behind, but stumbles over its own feet as it tries to make it down the stairs. Selene manages to catch them before they can hurt themselves on the stone, but it's a near thing.

“I've got you,” She mumbles, and hums a tune to meant help with balance for scaling large walls or moving through crowded cities. It helps him to stand, and his next few steps, while tenuous, are steady.

“I've got you,” He repeats with a nod.

Selene can feel her face flush slightly at the assertion before berating herself.

He gave himself extraordinarily handsome features, for someone that didn't even have a face a few minutes ago.

She shakes her head to rid herself of the thought before she starts back towards her home. He links his hand with hers, refusing to release it and just repeating his last sentence like a mantra each time she turns to look at him, with more and more confidence.

...Probably he's just afraid of falling again, she decides.

Hopefully, this will all be much simpler once she figures out how what sort of monster he actually is.

[journeysintowebcomics]

Worm Liveblog #66

UPDATE 66: Benign Villain

Last time was the last of the interludes! Bonesaw was the last one to be introduced and went to torment Panacea, actually succeeding even if she didn’t join the team. Now it’s time to return to the main story, so let’s do that!

‘Plague’, is the name of this arc. Maybe it’s related to how the Undersiders are taking over parts of the city like a plague, or maybe it’s a description of the Slaughterhouse Nine or Cauldron’s activities. I guess I’ll know for sure once this arc is afoot.

Looks like it’s a moment of peace and relative calm. Taylor is doing origami with a few beetles, while Charlotte and Sierra watch and provide commentary, it seems. Charlotte in particular finds creepy how the beetles are moving in such an organized manner, the opposite to how mindless bugs usually are. Bugs shouldn’t be like that, she says!

“They’re so organized and human.  Bugs shouldn’t act that way.”

“I don’t really believe in thinking that way anymore,” I said, absently.

“What way?”

I had to stop to compose my thoughts.  I glanced at Charlotte, and Sierra, who was standing by the fridge, silently eating her breakfast.  “I don’t believe in shouldn’t, like there’s some universal rules about the way things should be, the way people should act.”

Well it’s easy to think that when you and a lot of people you know have powers that lets you and other beings act in ways they shouldn’t act. I think it’s the kind of mindset you get from watching everyday facts like the laws of physics be treated as an optional thing. You get…this feeling like anything’s possible, maybe? Taylor has adapted quite well to having powers and being involved in a superpower-filled environment! Hard to believe this is the same Taylor from the start of the story. Character development, I love you so much – and there’s still a long way to go.

“So there’s no right or wrong?  People and animals should do whatever?”

“No, there’s always going to be consequences.  Believe me when I say I know about that.  But I do think there’s always going to be extenuating circumstances, where a lot of things we normally assume are wrong become excusable.”

“Like rape? Are you going to tell me there’s a situation where rape is okay?”  Charlotte asked.  I would have thought I’d touched on a hot subject if her voice wasn’t so level.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus. I hope you didn’t sprain a muscle with that particular flailing thought, Charlotte. I thought what Taylor said implicitly explained there are things that don’t become excusable, I mean—how did we get to this from beetles making origami? Things escalated in five seconds flat!

Taylor was only talking about bugs, anyway. So what’s she making here?

I directed a housefly into one hole and settled it inside, then fed a braided length of twine through the holes.  I handed the result to Charlotte and ordered the bugs to start making another.

“A necklace?” Sierra asked.

Ah. I thought the box the beetles were making was…much larger. It’s a box just large enough for a fly to be inside, Sierra and Charlotte each will have this box in some sort of item with them, as a tracker and an alert button of sorts. If they’re ever in danger, all they have to do is crush that box, and a swarm will arrive in a minute or less. It may be good to have it as a necklace, if you have it hanging from your wrist there’s some risk you’ll crush it accidentally and hanging it from your keys has the same danger. It’s a clever way to use her power, that’s for sure. I never stop being amazed at the practical uses of her power.

She’s even making a rudimentary symbol system to alert them if there’s any danger like weapons, or to tell them how many people there’s nearby. That reminds me, what are Sierra and Charlotte going to do? It’s unlikely Skitter would send them to mess with people from dangerous rival groups, so I think it’s possible they’re going to stay here in the territory. Given what the Merchants did, people coming to attack is a possibility.

I drew three lines that crossed in the center, using the flies and beetles that were working on a cube for Sierra.

Asterisk. The word is asterisk.

Just as I hoped, it doesn’t take long for me to find out what these newly-minted henchmen…henchwomen, I guess…are going to do.

“For now, just door to door.  I’m going to mark the places you should visit, where there are families or groups of people.  I need the info I can’t get with my bugs.  Who are the people in my territory?  What do they need: Maybe medical care, clothes, more food, maybe someone’s giving them trouble?  You find out, take notes, then pass that information to me.”

So basically, they’re going to do logistic and administrative work. Just like Taylor promised, they’re not going to do anything criminal. It’s a good induction into Taylor’s budding quasicriminal control over the area, and it should go without any problems given its simplicity.

…

Twenty bucks they have to crush the cube before the arc ends.

For now this is the only task they have to do, they’ll continue making their signal system later. Now it’s time for what most people want to hear about when it’s about working: money. I’m sure they’ll be pleased to know about their payment, being a villain here in Brockton Bay seems to give you quite a lot of money if you have connections, and Taylor here has connections. I’m sure she can spare enough money to give them a very good salary.

“We’ll try for six to eight hours a day, five days a week, but consider it flexible. Not to spook you or anything, but I’ll know if you’re slacking.  I’m thinking two hundred and fifty dollars a day, and obviously it’s under the table, so you’re not getting taxed on it.”

…two hundred and fifty dollars a day, that’d be $31 per hour, more or less, and $5000 per month, supposing you work twenty days a month. Huh. Can I get hired too?

One of the lessons Taylor learned from Coil is to make your employees want to work for you, and that’s achieved through a good payment and a good work environment suited to you and what you do. Part of these two recruits’ job is also be a moving Human Resources office, looking for people to join the organization and referring them to Taylor. After all, wouldn’t you want to join a place where the employees are paid well and genuinely look happy?

…okay, them wearing masks and most likely looking sinister isn’t going to make a crowd of eager young people gather to take part in this shebang, but maybe that’s for the better.

Ah, Taylor has been doing what she said she’d do! She’s working on costumes and masks for the rest of the Undersiders! It’ll all have the same protections she has, and although it’s not easy, she’s doing her best. She’s using the fabric of the failed attempts to make the masks for her employees.

Charlotte took a black mask that would cover her eyes and the lower half of her face, adjusted it until the eyeholes were in place, and then set about fixing her hair

I’m…having a bit of a hard time picturing that mask. Also, are they wearing uniforms of some sort? I hope they are wearing uniforms! Because it’d be harder to believe a random person with casual clothes and mask is working for Skitter. Just something to keep in mind.

Once Charlotte and Sierra get going to do their job, Taylor returns upstairs to take a breath and reflect on how it’s like to be the new villain boss of this place.

I missed staying at the loft, when things were easy and I was free.  I was happy with how things were going with my new recruits, but I was realizing that living with them would mandate changes to my lifestyle.  There were appearances to maintain, and I couldn’t be seen slacking off or being a slob. I couldn’t sleep in or put off my shower until later in the day.  I couldn’t let myself collapse in a sweaty heap after a hard morning run.  I’d woken up at six in the morning to be sure that I could run, shower, dress and look like I was on top of things by the time they were up.  After a late night, it left me feeling a little worn around the edges.  I harbored some concerns about my ability to help Dinah if this kept up.

Wow do I know how that feels. I miss the days I could sleep in whenever I wanted. But yeah, most of the changes and new behaviors Taylor has to learn is all about keeping appearances, because even if they’re people of her age that I’m sure would understand the feeling of wanting to slack off, you just can’t show such things to your employees. Luckily that all is the kind of stuff you can get used to, except the not being able to sleep in part. That’s something you can’t really get used to, you’re doomed to feeling sleepy when you’re not 100% doing something.

It has been an unspecified amount of time since Bryce’s rescue, and I think it’s a few days, maybe a week. What happened with Alec, Cherish, Rachel and the Siberian was all in the same day, or two days at most, I noticed the visit to Panacea happened at the same time than the Siberian’s visit to Rachel. Taylor was worried Charlotte and Sierra would denounce her to the Protectorate, and spent those days ready to defend herself in case, say, Miss Militia burst in with a grenade launcher, but nothing happened, they returned, willing to be part of Taylor’s work. Nice!

Taylor’s work this morning is mostly working on the costumes, and watching over Sierra and Charlotte, making sure they wouldn’t be in danger, and monitoring them to some extent. Some people ignored the girls’ attempts to talk with them, something Taylor decided was fine for now. Better leave them to get used to the new situation, only if they continue to ignore her attempts to reach out she’ll take charge of that problem.

Apparently overwhelmed with the requests from his various rulers of the Brockton Bay territories, Coil had started delegating some of his people to act as intermediaries.

I wonder how many people are under Coil’s payroll as rulers of territories, other than the Undersiders. I doubt the Protectorate would allow him to take control of the city by installing rulers everywhere, but there must be enough for this to be a big step in the right direction, as far as his plans are concerned, right? The Travelers aren’t ruling any territories, and I don’t think there’s abundance of parahumans to work for him, but there may be a few unnamed ones working in other places of the city.

I got in contact with Mrs. Cranston, the intermediary he’d designated to me, and outlined what I needed.  Waste removal was a big priority, as was clearing out the storm drains so the water could drain from the flooded streets.  I let her know that my services were available if she wanted help identifying where the blockages were, or if the trash removal teams needed protection from interference.

So basically, the rulers of the territories are expected to do most of the work when it’s about improving the conditions of their places, as if they’re the mayors of tiny cities. That’s kind of neat. Some of the Undersiders will do better than others, that’s for sure – I can’t picture Rachel calling anyone to tell them about blockage in the storm drains.

Some time passed, and Taylor receives a call from Charlotte. There are two families leaving because of a rat infestation.

Of course. The trash would offer a steady diet to vermin, and the flooding would deter many of their natural predators. The rodent population had exploded, and it could easily be getting to the point where it was interfering with people’s daily lives.

Must be one of the problems Taylor described, those that stem from the waste removal need and the clogged storm drains.

There’s something mundanely awesome about Taylor taking this in her own hands. She goes to clear a rodent infestation, wearing her costume and all! It’ll deliver the message she’s ready to help the community here, even with problems as seemingly menial as a rat infestation. Already attacking the rodents with her insects, Taylor steps out of her hideout and walks there. Will there be any rats left by the time she gets there? I’d be more concerned about them returning. It’s a possibility, I think.

On the way there, Grue calls Skitter, telling her he’s on his way to talk with her.

So he was already on the way when he called?  I wasn’t sure what to think about that.  It suggested it was a social call with the assumption I would be okay with it, which I didn’t mind, but that didn’t really fit his personality.  More likely there was something that he wanted to discuss with me in person.

Eh…it’s true things are more or less okay between Skitter and Grue now, but I still have a bit of a hard time imagining him going to see her just to shoot the breeze. This most likely is related to some urgent matter. It could be about the visit Regent and Heckpuppy received. That’s definitely something the rest of the Undersiders would want to hear about.

…say, I hope Skitter will make her bugs move away the hundreds of dead rodents somehow, because that’s a huge biological danger. I thought she was making them run away, not outright killing as many as she could – although that will make it harder for the rodent population to grow again, yeah. All the owners of the house can do is watch the clouds of bugs hover and get into the house.

If I thought Skitter was the mischievous sort, I’d think she was all stealthy while arriving just because she wanted to mess with them, hah.

“Is this some sort of game to you!?  We were prepared to leave, and you keep us from getting our things?  Add another infestation to the one that’s already there!?”

Apparently they weren’t convinced by Charlotte’s arguments that she was going to help, and I can’t say I blame them – the way this was described, it was almost like the stuff of nightmares, clouds of insects hovering over your house and what not. I’ll give this man credit, he has guts, challenging Skitter to a fair fight. I hope it won’t come to that, that they’ll see all Skitter’s doing is helping them – not that the impromptu rat extermination will guarantee they’ll stay, I think.

To gain some time to show what she’s doing, Skitter makes a kid count to one hundred, and hurries up the work, gathering the dead rats and carrying them out of the house, parading right in front of the family and all. Quite a morbid thing to see, but it’ll get the message across about what Skitter just did.

I knew I wouldn’t quite have enough time to clear out the entire house of the rat corpses, so I cheated by hauling the rats through the walls, into the unoccupied neighbor’s residence and out the kitchen window at the back of that building.

Hah! I’m glad it was unoccupied, or else Skitter would have more irate people wanting to punch the daylights out of her.

The last of the rat infestation was carried out when the one-hundred count was over, at which point Skitter turns to the angry patriarch and tells him they can fight if he wants. Having see what she had done and that the vermin complaint was gone, he doesn’t, although I doubt he likes Skitter more than he did before.

One of the mothers was the one who asked for help, so Skitter talks with her about what there’s to be done now. Sterilize everything! Oh, yes, please do. I like rats, but I sure would sterilize the heck out of the house if I had found out there used to be a few hundred nesting there. The problem is that this family doesn’t have the means to do all that, nor the money to replace everything that needs to be replaced. Good thing Skitter is here! She’ll get things in order.

Living in this situation has been a major ordeal for everyone here. Not only they have no utilities, all they have is rainwater and rice, and the propane tank they had received is almost depleted. It’s possible other neighbors nearby are in the same situation. Major respect for everyone here, I know I’d be so restless in such situation. Skitter is going to get them supplies and clothing, and even doctors to check them just in case. Leptospirosis isn’t something to take lightly, yeah.

The mother, bless her enduring soul, is worried about having to pay back for all this help, so of course Skitter tells her it’s all okay – she’s not here to make herself be some sort of loan shark.

“Thank you,” she said, again.  I felt bad for feeling the way I did, but I thought her gratitude was a little muted for what I was giving her.

Oh, come on, Skitter, what did you expect? Did you think she’d fall to her knees, open her arms to the sky and bellow ‘oh, thank you so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you!’? Who would do that?

Since all is fine here, Skitter is finally free to go talk to Grue, who’s watching from nearby, and is amused that Skitter is being an exterminator. She defends her actions by saying doing this will help solidify her powers, making the people want to support her. That’s depending a bit too much on people’s gratitude, but eh, there’ll always be some people who will want to make amends and get rid of the proverbial red in their ledgers, just so they’re not indebted to Skitter anymore.

Grue thinks that man is resentful towards Skitter because he wanted to protect the families, and then this ‘little girl’ arrived and got rid of the problem in, what, fifteen minutes? It’s egg on his face, from his perspective. When Skitter muses about recruiting him so he’d have the power to help his family and other people – no way he’d accept – Grue says he’d be intolerable, that he’d question her every move and overall be a pain in the neck. Hm. Good analysis.

As expected, every Undersider is taking their job as rulers in a different way each.

“Regent and I are going on the offensive.  I’ve got Aisha and I making constant, coordinated attacks against enemies in my territory, terrorizing groups with attacks from the cover of my darkness, or from someone they can’t even remember fighting.  Regent’s got a squad of Coil’s soldiers with him, and he’s tracking and kidnapping the leaders of enemy groups and gangs, using his power to control them and then having them sabotage their own operations, or start fights with other groups that leave both almost totally wiped out.  Then he cleans up the mess.”

“And us girls?”

“Lisa’s running the shelter, and she says she’s doing it to get more info, but I think she doesn’t mind how it connects her to the community there, either.  You, too, are almost nurturing in how you’re treating the people in your territory.  And you’re acting like you’re getting that aspiring superhero thing out of your system. Or entrenched deeper into it.  I can’t tell.”

He’s not kidding, that’s definitely being on the offensive. I’m sure it’s very effective, too. Tattletale’s way of dealing with her territory isn’t too different from Taylor’s way, Rachel’s way is...uh...well she’s not interested in ruling over her territory, I’m sure all she wants is to be left alone with her dogs. The people in her territory are still very unlucky.

Also yeah! She’s being nurturing, and it’s because that’s just how she is, she has standards. She’s not going to force a reign of terror unless the people in her newly-claimed terrain forces her to. Skitter will be ruthless towards her enemies, no doubt about that, so why not to be kind and ‘nurturing’ to the residents of her territory? It’ll work better this way when it’s recruiting time.

Grue thinks the differences is because of the genders, Skitter thinks it’s because of the powers. No, I’m pretty sure it’s because of the personalities. Grue takes good care of those he cares about and it’s not like he has any reason to care about the civilians in his turf. Regent is a sociopath to some extent, so of course he doesn’t care about improving their living situation. Heckpuppy is...uh, well I think that one’s pretty obvious. Tattletale’s a rather empathic person, thanks partly to her power and partly because she can actually be rather nice. I don’t think I have to explain how Skitter is like, but yeah, this all fits her.

“Maybe. But… no,” he changed his mind after thinking for a second.  “I think both you and Lisa could be a lot more aggressive.  It kind of worries me that you aren’t.”

They started recently, I don’t think it’s necessary for everyone to make big power moves. Grue and Regent are moving pretty fast, and Skitter is already doing well in terms of repelling hostile forces from outside, judging by what happened with those thirty-or-something Merchants from an arc ago. I’m sure when it’s needed they’ll get aggressive. This isn’t the only concern Grue has, though, he’s also worried Skitter won’t get profit from her territory.

“He has his own money.  Money that he has to devote time and attention to earning.  If your territory never starts earning for him and just becomes some black hole that sucks up tens of thousands of dollars of his money each week, you think he’s going to be okay with that?”

I don’t think there’s anything to worry about on that regard. Coil’s controlling and stuff, but he’s not worried about getting loads of money. Sure, he’s not going to be happy about throwing cash into a bottomless well, but he can get even more loads of money anytime he wants. Skitter may want to look for ways to get money, though. Just in case. No peddling drugs or asking protection money, I doubt she’d do such things.

“I can get all of the people in my territory onto Coil’s side.  And I have over three hundred and fifty thousand dollars I can put towards infrastructure here.”

I don’t mean to demean Skitter’s efforts, but I really doubt the people in this territory will be onto Coil’s side, ever. Not only he’s this nebulous mastermind figure that if he showed himself in front of everyone he’d become the poster boy for those villains you would immediately distrust – skintight black faceless costume with a snake print from head to toe doesn’t scream ‘nice guy’, you know – I’m sure everyone would immediately assume he has some ulterior motive. It’s easier to trust Skitter because she’s getting involved, she’s doing things with her own hands, Coil wouldn’t do such thing.

Also, three hundred and fifty thousand dollars is nothing when it’s about infrastructure. That money’s going to be gone in no time.

Once Grue points out Skitter’s plans won’t happen quickly at all, she has to acknowledge that, and feels dejected. Coil isn’t going to let Dinah go over a start, that’s for sure.  Nor...once the territory is already going well. The only time he’s going to do it is once the city is under his control, and it’s not like he has any intentions of doing it. She may be putting a bit too much stock on Coil’s , uuuuh, sense of honor? Not going to work.

Anyway, onto more grave matters! And it’s just what I expected, it’s about the Slaughterhouse Nine visiting them. Okay, it’s not exactly what I thought, but it’s close enough. There’s no mention of Rachel getting visited, and they know someone in Coil’s headquarters and Hookwolf got contacted too. I should have guessed they’d have this much information, what with Tattletale being so good at gathering information. It’s only matter of time before they find out about the Siberian’s visit, thanks to Tattletale and because I doubt Heckpuppy will hide that wolf.

“And at the PRT offices?  Shadow Stalker?”

“As good a guess as any.  We’re not sure where she wound up.”

Good question. I had completely forgotten about Shadow Stalker! Now that I think about it, if I had remembered her, I’d have thought the Slaughterhouse Nine would try to recruit her, but they didn’t. Last time I knew anything about her, police had arrived to her house after her life was thoroughly destroyed. Maybe she’s not in Brockton Bay anymore. Well, no surprise there, Regent threatened her quite well, unbeknown to everyone except him. If she’s somewhere in the city, he’d know. Heck, she was extremely zealous regarding her role as a vigilante-y parahuman, but I don’t know if she’d join. Not that her personality and stuff would stop her from getting a visit, if that group truly wanted to.

“So what does this mean?”

“It means Hookwolf is calling together a meeting of the local powers that be. Crook, criminal, mercenary and warlord. We have to decide if we want to go.”

Ah, he’s taking action! Good for him, he wasn’t kidding when he said he was going to have to get help. Maybe this way they can know who was visited, perhaps that information could be useful in some way? Not that the Undersiders immediately agree about going – it may be a trap, or a way for Hookwolf to get rid of the competition. They’re wrong, but there are lots of reasons to be wary.

The problem is that if they don’t go, they’ll miss information they should know, and asking secondhand through Coil – if he goes – or anything like that doesn’t guarantee they’ll find out anything, because whoever they talk to may withhold information. Iiiiii can’t decide if going has more benefits than not going, honestly. I should go, if only to have the information.

...if Coil wants them to go do they really have any option? I don’t think Coil would take kindly to them not going. Better spare yourselves the trouble and just go. Besides, as Skitter says, the powers of everyone who would be present could work together to defend and attack back to some extent. But, you know, with all this talk about the Slaughterhouse Nine maybe attacking, now I’m thinking maybe they will. It’d go a long way into establishing them as major threats – not that they haven’t been plenty of established as a threat yet, you know what I mean.

“But if Tattletale is right, and Hookwolf isn’t on the side of the Slaughterhouse Nine, if we can trust Skidmark to have the basic common sense to back the rest of us up if they attack-”

Ask Dinah what are the odds of Skidmark backing you and everyone else up. I’m almost certain it’s an amazingly tiny percentage.

Skitter wants to go, and part of the reason why she wants to go is because going would heighten their reputation as villains to fear, and whatever’s said in that meeting will be useful. Guess that’s settled! This is where this arc is going to now!

“Why do I get the feeling your decision here is motivated by your rushed attempts to get more control, more rep and finish this phase of our territory grab as soon as possible?”

“Because it is.”

I kind of have the feeling what Grue said to Skitter may have influenced it too. Grue would have decided not to go, if it had been up to them, and he’d have used this time to make sure the territory that belonged to him would be alright. But since it’s not up to him, and the situation is critical, well, better go, yeah?

The meeting is tonight. And since I’m not going to be able to read more for today, I better leave that for next time.

Next time: in seven updates

[stargazer1682]

Star Trek Picard - Season 1

Where to start?

Re-watching the DS9 episode, “Past Tense” recently, a line from Bashir really stood out, which personified everything wrong with Star Trek Picard - “But it makes you wonder, doesn't it? Are humans really any different than Cardassians or Romulans? If push comes to shove, if something disastrous happens to the Federation, if we are frightened enough, or desperate enough, how would we react? Would we stay true to our ideals or would we just stay up here, right back where we started?" According to STP, the answer is apparently, no, we don’t stay true to our ideals; and we do go right back to where we started, or pretty damn near close.

There are just so many logical inconsistencies. I mean, Christ - just, everything about Raffi, from her ambiguous chemical dependency, her resentment about her living conditions versus Picard’s, when such things are no longer supposed to exist in Star Trek; or at least not in the Federation and most definitely not on Earth.

The unwillingness of the Federation to help Romulus when their sun was going to go nova. I mean, this is the Federation, for crying out loud; yes, the Romulans had been cold war style adversaries of theirs for centuries, but humanity and the Federation are supposed to have been above such pettiness when it came to actual, desperate need for help. Plus, they had managed to find themselves allies against the Dominion; which would surely count for something.

Of course, one of the chief excuses for the Federation not to help Romulus, was the so-called synth attack on Mars - which turned out to be orchestrated by the Romulans; because when your homeworld is in danger of being destroyed, risking a massive death count of your own people, why wouldn’t you take the opportunity to screw with the people who are in the best position to save your sorry asses?

And why did the Romulans do it? Because of some stupid ass cult/shadow organization within their shadow organization that are afraid of artificial lifeforms, because of some psychic acid trip bullshit they all share. So they need to ensure the Federation bans synthetic life and concocts the most asinine plot to engineer this; and to add insult to injury, it works! The Federation falls for it!

I mean, honestly, the synths were decidedly not sentient; yet there’s not the slightest doubt that they appear to act on their own, which again, they’re not supposed to be able to do, but they do and not only that, they inexplicably and out of the blue frag an entire planet, killing themselves in the process and all for no apparent reason; and the Federation assigns blame to all forms of artificial life and bans them from the Federation? Bullshit. Seriously, how many Vulcans must have died from brain aneurysms trying to wrap their heads around that kind of logic?

Never mind some of the inconsistencies that crop up later; like Rios’ holograms (are those permitted with the Synth ban?), or the bullshit that Riker and Troi’s son couldn’t be cured, because the only cure had to be cultivated in a positronic brain; you know, the thing that successfully existed in only three androids, and they couldn’t possibly go anywhere else or develop the same cure some other way. Nope, this is the darkest fucking timeline, which means all of the characters we love now live shitty, depressing lives.

Speaking of which, 7 of 9 appears; having left behind all of her friends and the promising life suggested by the end of Voyager, because the writers felt the need to torture-murder Icheb, so that 7 could run off and join the fucking Power Rangers, or whatever they’re called.

Then there’s the main plot of the first season, meandering as it is. So Bruce Maddox managed to replicate Data’s programming by using a single positron from Data, which somehow contains everything that made Data, Data? What?? How is that supposed to make any sense? Seeing as he apparently got that positron from B4, why not just say he reversed engineered the programming Data tried uploading to him? And they always come in pairs. WHY?? So the plot can happen, and so one of them can die; and Jean Luc Quixote can put a crew together and go chasing windmills, or rather, borg cubes. But it can’t be the crew he used to have, because why enlist your friends who have the proper resources to help you; when you can contact the burnout who hates you for somehow ruining her career by sticking to your convictions and retiring; and then spend five or six episodes out of a ten episode season just putting the rest of your crew together….

So then we find out the Romulans have in their possession a decommissioned borg cube, because again, the Federation are complete fucking morons now and in addition to their xenophobic policies and stupid laws regarding AI, they’re fine with Romulans having a borg cube… because, reasons…. Why the Romulans, who are supposedly so afraid of artificial intelligence, even want the cube or what they’re getting out it completely escapes me. We also find out the Borg now have space folding technology that makes their ships redundant and should pose the greatest threat the galaxy has ever known, but whatevs…

And now we’re on the planet of the androids, with a large number of Data’s offspring, essentially; and another flippin’ Soong who looks exactly like Arik; making at least two generations of his descendants, and probably more, who apparently got nothing from their mothers - but that’s okay, because my personal theory is that Arik, brilliant geneticist that he was, just cloned himself to perpetuate his work, rather than have kids the conventional way…. But more importantly, it turns out that some aspect of Data is still alive, on a floppy disk or something, chilling in his own personal limbo. Did Maddox’s work bring Data back to life, or would Data have been stuck in this virtual realm within B4 indefinitely? And why, out of all the other new androids that were built, let alone the planned “golem” Maddox was creating to put his own mind inside, did they never give Data a new body? Sure, Brent Spiner is older and looks relatively different from when he originally played Data, but they’ve now established that this new batch of androids can age and are somehow “organic artificial life” - which, in its own right, is the dumbest fraking thing they could have come up with. So why not put Data in an older body, and have him greet his old Captain, instead of introducing yet another carbon copy Soong? It would have been everything Data every wanted, making him as close to being human as possible, but instead, he just wants to be turned off and die… again…

But I get ahead of myself, because they have to have the big climax, where the Romulans that have been chasing Picard and Data’s daughter halfway across the galaxy to find the android homeworld, finally find them! But wait, are the Romulans a decimated, nomadic people; or are they still a strong empire, with a huge fleet of ships? Doesn’t matter. The Romulans must destroy the androids, because of that acid nightmare they all had, about how artificial life will destroy everything. Agnes knows, she’s seen it and it scared the shit out of her too; so much so that she killed her dad, Bruce. Wait. What? She wasn’t his daughter? They were boning? Well, bully for him, I guess, but still, it drove sweet… bland… cardboard cutout Agnes to be a cold blooded murderer; which means she’ll eventually go to jail soon, so it has to be pretty serious. It’s not like they’re just going to ignore that she killed a dude, and move on like it never happened, right?

Data’s children want to know about this vision, and one of them has…. (sigh)… “practiced the Vulcan mind meld”…… (Sigh) Just… seriously, fuck these writers…… So the android leader sees the visions and sees the dimension inhabited by… I don’t know, Doc Ock? And they understand, it wasn’t a vision warning organics about synths, it was a warning to synths about organics. So to prove to organics they aren’t the threat they fear them to be, they are going to become the threat the organics fear them to be; and Picard and his “crew” are under arrest. But of course, they get free, because Agnes sucks and has loyalties to no one and lies with ease, despite her otherwise innocent demeanor. And blah, blah, blah, the synths and organics decide a stalemate is preferable to the machine tentacles that are coming out of the rift in space. Riker has somehow taken command of a ship and gets to the android planet just a few hours behind Picard, and then promptly leaves after going through all that trouble, rather than staying long enough to make sure the Romulans don’t come back; or at the very least, check out this new civilization populated with the “descendants” of a close, late friend….

And now Coulson is alive again as an advanced LMD… I mean, Picard… is an android… but you know, with none of the advantages of being an android….. Because if you’re going to be an android, you might as well be an android who looks, feels, sounds and has all of the same physical limitations of a 90 year old human male… Is Synth-Picard going to have to get up five times in the middle of the night to pee? And the synth ban is conveniently lifted, offscreen, with barely any effort, like it was really no big deal….

But none of it really matters, because let’s face it, the whole thing was a hallucination caused by Picard’s Irumodic Syndrome.

[actionfigurebullshit]

Worlds of the Wonderverse

Not sure where to start... and I have garbage I need to take out. It smells like a damn cat box in here!

(A few moments later...)

Aaaand...

So, um... yeah.

It’s been a week since learning of Jane’s passing. I still don’t know much about the details, and I’ve accepted that nothing good can come from knowing more than what I already do. It’s still so much to process- and there’s a lot of processing to do. I lost my movie making and world building partner. I don’t pretend to fully understand what drove her to create, but she felt the calling, too, that need to take something in your head and convert it to something tangible, and sometimes, even if it’s just a silly or stupid video, it has to be considered a high priority. It’s a madness, and it was a treasure to share in our sickness.

I went back and watched some of the movies she made with some help from me. There were so many of them I wanted us to follow up on. I had said as much, and in a few instances, Jane gave me her blessing to do so if the spirit moved me. I don’t know if there’s time to do anything like that anymore, when my free time is so rare and so many other things are in the queue- it’s not just like sand in the hourglass, it’s like wet sand. Some of this shit has been waiting patiently for years to see daylight. Does any of Jane’s stuff get to cut in line?

I’ve been bugged by an idea that began a few nights ago when I discovered some assets for her 2013 video “Starburners”. It’s disappointing that the version of it on YouTube is so low in video quality. The one uploaded in 2016 isn’t the original, so I’m not sure if the original was at a higher resolution or what, but it seems like this one had some generational loss to it, but even the original didn’t have a high resolution to it. I’m not knocking her work- here I am taking web cam quality pictures from a 2007 digital camera, and I still use Paint Shop Pro 7. Sometimes, for better or worse, you get married to old stuff. Being poor encourages it, too, and I’m sure it was that way with her.

Anyway, what a shock it was to find out that some of the special effects I did for her were in 1080p- because I, too, dabble with low resolution videos most of the time. It’s also necessary when your computers are old or under powered. What’s really funny is that it includes live action, but the live action was shot with that camcorder, and that thing was barely 480 on its highest setting, and yet with all the filtering on the images to turn a flabby dude in a woman’s Zentai costume into a sentient human shaped cloud of nebula gas, I wound up with a genuine high definition shot of three of these aliens standing together.

It got me thinking how cool it would be to make a little short video on the special effects work that I contributed to this movie, showing all the clips of video that went into building these aliens. As I have low end equipment, getting the right filtering on it required filtering one copy of the raw video, producing a video file of that editing, and then edit the image further. What’s left is a long trail of “in between” videos, which could be used to illustrate the process of making these aliens.

It feels like a pointless project, though. Who’s gonna watch it? It’s almost a funny thing to ask because of how small an audience I was having for AFB- you’d think that wouldn’t stop me, but this wasn’t something Lacey or Matt was involved with, and the one person who might have interest, or at the very least, a reason to watch this isn’t here anymore.

Maybe I should make it anyway as a way I can honor Jane, and share a little about our 93% film-making and Star Trek friendship. I’d love it if some of the people involved in the original production found the video- and they’ll have to because I don’t know how to contact them, and I’m just a total stranger to them, anyway. I don’t have any behind the scenes stuff of Jane’s anyway, so it would be that much more irrelevant to them.

Still, I feel a compulsion- a creative one, to have Jane live on in videos and digital media. I can make some follow ups happen. Others, probably not, but definitely the ones I was most involved in. I’ve been wanting to expand on her ASStronauts video shorts for years now- it’d be worth squeezing into those old suits again to film, or do as she did, just recycle footage. One of the benefits of filming a creature who has no mouth is that you can put any kind of line in there, but I think I would want to film new stuff as well.

I wonder if it makes sense to try to continue someone else’s work like that- like there’s some part of me scolding me for having these ideas. Maybe I shouldn’t pick up this mantle, maybe Jane wouldn’t have wanted that, maybe it’s not my place? Or maybe I shouldn’t worry about any of it. Maybe this is just the exact way I’m supposed to grieve over a lost friendship such as this?

But there’s more to it than just making sure something “stays alive”- there’s a fun tendency in what remains of my social circle where ideas are constantly being built on other ideas- this creative force is like a Borg cube, or a Katamari ball, it just picks up everything in its path, assimilating it into this... monstrosity that’s showcased on this appropriately named blog “Total Communication”. The Wonderverse is about to have it’s artistic and technical distinctiveness added to its own! It was inevitable, anyway, as I had let Jane use some of those TC assets for her work, and Jane found herself involved in some of the posts. Whatever I end up doing, I intend on adding it to the mix. Jane’s characters and settings will live on to some extent, and be allowed to grow and evolve like so many other things I’ve worked on. Even if I could never actually finish things, I did have a knack for keeping them going... or in development Hell, I dunno! But some of this stuff has been going on since we were kids...

God, this is too rambling, but my thoughts are still too much of a jumble.

So I’ll just say this for now and wrap things up:

AFB will continue. We’ve brainstormed a few wacky ideas on how Moxie can continue to have a voice down the road, but I’ve got enough lines from Jane over the years that I can probably work on AFB (at the rate I’m going) for years before I run out of audio.

And, if nothing else, I can share some of those video assets here. There’s probably some styles in there that will be instantly recognizable in AFB. It’s my blog, why not expand things a little here?

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington