#do I think launchpad is the type to swear?

[aaaaanndbackstabbed]

Della: ARE YOU-

Launchpad: fucking.

Della: KIDDING ME?! YOU-

Launchpad: fucking.

Della: IDIOT!

Goldie:…now, what was that?

Launchpad: Donald banned Della from swearing so I’m helping her out

[waveypedia]

Key to a Memory

(warning for swearing)

~

{people need a melody to open their eyes

like a key to a memory frozen in time

holding on to everything, you’re stuck in the past

boy dontcha know that the world moves fast

it’s been a little while since we’ve been together

it’s been a long time since we were young and wild, remember

when we were friends, remember}

--

May 14, 2019 I 6:26 pm

UNKNOWN NUMBER: GYRO

UNKNOWN NUMBER: HEY GYRO

UNKNOWN NUMBER: It’s me Della!! Your bud!!!

UNKNOWN NUMBER: I’m back from space!!!

UNKNOWN NUMBER: I can’t believe you have the same number you nerd! lol I remember when Uncle Scrooge finally forced you to get a phone and you got a super cheap one and then upgraded it with your own tech

UNKNOWN NUMBER: I can’t wait to see how much more upgraded and fancy your phone is now!

UNKNOWN NUMBER: sorry for not texting you sooner I got back a couple days ago but things have just been really hectic since then ya know??

UNKNOWN NUMBER: anyway I know you’re probably busy changing the world and inventing amazing things for Uncle Scrooge

UNKNOWN NUMBER: he told me you got an intern!! Congrats!! I can’t wait to meet them

UNKNOWN NUMBER: just call me when you get a chance ok? I’d really like to catch up

--

“GYRO!!” Della screamed, kicking open the door to the lab. Gyro scowled at his desk and scrawled a quick note to outfit the elevator with self-opening doors. The scientist sighed and stood up reluctantly, stepping around his desk to be in full view. “What is it now, Della?”

Della sprinted into the lab, her grin threatening to split her face in two. She exuberantly waved a bundle of papers in Gyro’s face. “Donnie and I got tickets to the new Galaxy Wars movie, and you’re coming!! Thursday at 6!! Be there or be square!!”

Gyro snorted and gently waved her off, pushing the tickets out of his face. “Dels, I’m busy here. Besides, any self-respecting scientist knows those movies are garbage.”

Della fake-pouted and slung her arm around Gyro’s shoulders, despite the height difference. She had to lean and go up on her tiptoes to manage, making Gyro burst out in a fit of laughter. She shrugged, tugging Gyro down to her height. “Whatever. The premiere was a couple weeks ago, so you probably won’t get into a fistfight with an overzealous fan this time-”

“-Their fault-” Gyro muttered under his breath as Della prattled on.

“-Aaaaaand Cousin Gladdy’ll be there! With his luck we probably won’t get kicked out by the ushers,” Della finished proudly.

Gyro rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Ugh, Gladstone? That man is too self-absorbed. Takes one to know one. And does that mean Fethry will be there as well?”

“Yep!” Della beamed. “He loves science, Gy, and he loves you! He’ll grow on you one day.”

“Highly unlikely.” Gyro shoved her arm off and stretched, standing up to his full height. “I grudgingly respect Fethry’s passion and his interest in scientific fields. He’s just so…” Gyro huffed. “Annoying.”

Della poked him in the beak. “Whatever. If you think Fethry’s annoying, my buddy Loopy from flight school will be there and she’ll blow your mind. But in a good way! Loopy’s amazing!”

Gyro groaned and slapped a hand on his face, slowly dragging it down. “Loopy and I are your only friends, aren’t we?”

Della puffed her chest out in mock effrontery. “I have lots of friends! I’m the best at making friends! They’re just all over the globe, you know, cause of all the amazing and daring adventuring I do!”

Gyro snorted and knocked his friend with his shoulder. “Whatever. When one of these international ‘friends’ comes around to Duckburg and hangs out with you beyond the adventure, let me know.”

Della smirked. “So you’ll be there?”

“Fine. I’ll be there.” Gyro affirmed, rolling his eyes.Della beamed mischievously. “Wonderful! See you there! Also it’s a sleepover and I’m adding you to a group chat specifically for this event now byeeeeee!!!”

“WHAT?!” Gyro squawked, racing after Della, but the elevator dinged and carried her far away. “Della! No! Come back! DELLA!!! I WILL NOT SUBJECT MYSELF TO THE TORTURES OF YOUR CHILDISH SLEEPOVER!!!” He chanced a look at his phone. It was already blowing up with texts from Della and Fethry.

Gyro groaned and slammed his head down on his desk, grateful for the solitude of his lab. He pulled up the calendar Scrooge filled with his deadlines from the board and added the movie night so he wouldn’t forget. A small, pleased smile played at his beak.

He picked up his phone, muted the group chat, and returned to his work.

 --

read 9:28 pm

--

May 15 I 4:03 pm

Della Duck: hey dumbass

Della Duck: they have read receipts now stupid

Della Duck: I know you saw my messages

Della Duck: whatever I know you’re hella busy just call me when you get the chance

Della Duck: hahah did you see that? hella! I used new slang!

Della Duck: Louie taught it to me :D

Della Duck: I can’t believe his name is Louie and not Rebel! I’m kinda mad at Donald but also it suits him more than Rebel

Della Duck: Dewey though… he’s DEFINITELY a Turbo

Della Duck: Huey could go either way but he’s okay with Huey so I guess I am too

Della Duck: It’s a lot to take in

Della Duck: although Webby would be overjoyed to be Jet or Rebel

Della Duck: I can’t believe I have an extra daughter!!! how cool is that?? four kids for the price of three!!

Della Duck: or maybe it’s more like six kids for the price of three since Webby had friends over today and they all seem close

Della Duck: Ooh you know who would be a good Rebel? Lena! apparently she just came back from the shadow realm??? I missed so much

Della Duck: i can’t believe you guys got to fight magica de spell without me AND she had a kid

Della Duck: she’s still kinda hot ngl

Della Duck: but louie showed me a picture of her after she lost her magic and ehhhh

Della Duck: but also there are lots of hot people around these days and I’m kinda freaked out

Della Duck: like I made a best friend of my roommate on the moon!! Her name’s Penumbra but I call her Penny and I’d let her stomp on me. Best part is she probably would

Della Duck: also Uncle Scrooge got a new pilot & driver and I hate him cause he’s sorta replacing me?? But also he’s hot in a himbo kinda way

Della Duck: I know you have insanely high standards but you gotta back me up here gyro Launchpad is kinda hot

Della Duck: damn i’ve missed our conversations about various hot people and our lack of love lives

Della Duck: I told you about Penny you gotta fill me in on the current hotties in the Duckburg science community

Della Duck: I also met your intern! He seems nice ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ) ;) ;) ;)

Della Duck: i can hear your voice. “Della that is an excessive amount of emoticons”

Della Duck: well if you want me to stop you’ll just have to reply ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

Della Duck: at least you’re not telling me to use “emojis”Della Duck: apparently they all have hidden meanings and I don’t understand

Della Duck: Louie, Dewey, and Lena tried to teach Uncle Scrooge and I

Della Duck: I’m ashamed to say I think he fared better than I did

Della Duck: he’s old!! He’s supposed to be clueless!! I’m not old I was just on the moon for a decade!! That’s gotta count for something right?

4:46 pm

Della Duck: i see how it is

Della Duck: ignore me all you want but i’m right

--

The sun was nearly below the horizon, painting the evening sky and the waves below it in a plethora of muted colors, when Della broke the topic. “Yo. I think Magica de Spell is kinda hot.”

Gyro swerved to stare at her so fast he felt something in his neck crack. “Magica?! She’s ancient; are you crazy?!”

Della shrugged, kicking sand around absentmindedly with her bare toes. “Yeah, but she doesn’t look it. She’s hot in an unattainable kind of way.”

Gyro snorted, loud and sad. “I know how that feels.”

Della nudged him teasingly. “What’s going on in your love life? I shared, now you have to.”

Gyro rolled his eyes and nudged her back, harder. “You know nothing’s happening.” He shrugged carelessly. “It’s not like I have much time outside of work.”

“Yeah, but that’s because you refuse to take care of yourself and you act like you’ll die if you leave the lab,” Della said good-naturedly. “You should come on an adventure with us!”

Gyro sighed contentedly and waved her away. “I’ll stick to the lab, thanks. My inventions’ corrupted morality circuits provide me quite enough stress and adventure, thank you very much.”

(He couldn’t very well tell her that her dear ol’ uncle had entrusted him with the project of a lifetime, his chance to thank her for her gift of friendship, his chance to prove himself to Mr. McDuck for once and for all, his chance to redeem himself from the smoking failure that was 2BO. He didn’t have to run himself ragged working on the Spear of Selene day and night, but this was important, far more important than anything Gyro had worked on at McDuck Industries before. For his career, and for his friendship. And he wanted to do it right.)

(Shame he failed in the end anyway.)

Della sighed assent, smiling, and leaned back on her elbows, working her fingers into the sand. She had given up for now, but Gyro knew she would broach the subject again soon, from a new angle, with a new tactic. Della Duck never gave up.

“Maybe one day,” Gyro said, surprising himself. After this whole Spear debacle is said and done.

Della beamed and knocked her shoulder into his affectionately. “I’ll hold you to that!”

Gyro smiled wryly. “I know you will.”

--

Gyro pushed up his glasses and studied Della’s texts, willing his eyes not to unfocus and his brain not to zone out. He read them once, twice, three times. Four.

He began typing.

Gyro Gearloose: I remember-

Gyro Gearloose: My love life is as nonexistent as it was when you left-

Gyro Gearloose: emojis are zealous anyway-

Gyro Gearloose: I’m sorry-

He deleted his words, frustrated, nerves and old, painful memories rubbed raw, and never sent a reply.

--

June 11 I 2:09 pm

Della Duck: so Fenton and I went out for coffee today

Della Duck: not on a date, just as a chance to get to know each other platonically

Della Duck: he’s so much like you

Della Duck: not on the surface. In fact you guys are pretty much opposites

Della Duck: but you both care so much, even though you show it differently

Della Duck: i know you care your prickly demeanor can’t fool me

Della Duck: you’re both incredibly passionate about sciences

Della Duck: you’re both super awkward

Della Duck: he has high praise for you, and he really admires you, but it sounds like you’re not that close and I think you totally should be!

Della Duck: I know you’re probably annoyed that I’m meddling in your (love) life again, but get used to it!! I’m the best wingman and friend and I’m here to stay!!

Della Duck: even if you don’t text me back

Della Duck: (but seriously, please text me back. I miss you.)

Della Duck: he said you might need some space and I guess that makes sense but i just don’t understand why

Della Duck: that’s the only reason I haven’t stormed down to the lab by now

Della Duck: Did i do something before I took off for the moon?

Della Duck: or are you like Donnie and you’re mad?Della Duck: at least I think Donnie’s mad

Della Duck: or he will be

Della Duck: he’s on a cruise, Gyro! A fucking cruise!!!

Della Duck: he left the day I got back and now he’s gone for a fucking month

Della Duck: he thinks I’m dead

Della Duck: I miss him so much

Della Duck: the cruise doesn’t allow cell phones so I can’t even contact him and tell him I’m alive

Della Duck: But Huey and I sent postcards!! I don’t know if they’ll reach him but I really hope they do

Della Duck: Huey and Webby have been checking the mailbox meticulously to see if he sends one back

Della Duck: sorry for ranting

Della Duck: I just miss him

Della Duck: I miss you too you know? Yeah i’m being stupid sappy again but it’s dumb that you’re right here, across the city, and we haven’t talked

Della Duck: call me gyro you fucking coward

2:43 pm

Della Duck: also Fenton is totally Gizmoduck right

Della Duck: I met Gizmoduck once when he came to formally greet me

Della Duck: and i’ve seen him around the city lots

Della Duck: but they’re so similar. They have the same mannerisms

Della Duck: I guess that means you built his armor then right?

Della Duck: or you helped

Della Duck: it’s great Gyro

Della Duck: look at you! An invention that didn’t turn evil!!

Della Duck: I’m proud of you bud

--

“Have you ever thought about hiring someone to help in the lab?” Della asked one day, apropos of nothing.

She had dragged Gyro into a fancy coffee shop - one he’d probably be banned from had he attempted to patronize it on his own, and one he would be in the post-Spear of Selene era - and forced him to take a break from the top secret project he’d been devoting all his time to. They bought overpriced, bougie coffees on Mr. McDuck’s dime and traded jabs without any real bite to them, as was customary for them. Della mocked Gyro’s unique taste for black licorice, again. Same old, same old.

And then, this.

Gyro paused, his ceramic mug halfway to his face. “I’m fine on my own. Any help would only get in my way. They would stumble over their own feet and I would have to take precious time off of my own projects to tediously help them flail and fall.”

Della set down her coffee and leaned forward with her elbows on the table. “You’re so cynical. Besides, you’re working yourself to death down there! It might help if you had someone else to lighten the load.”

Gyro paused. “I suppose I might be more productive if I didn’t have to do the menial tasks beneath me…”

“-And you could make a FRIEND!!!” Della cheered, standing up and leaning heavily on the table, her enthusiasm thundering in full-force. “Someone to chat with on late nights deep in projects, someone who understands your passion for science, someone you can count on when Donnie and I are off on an adventure!”

Gyro groaned, startled at first but then settling into resignation. “I should have known you had an ulterior motive.”

Della giggled, batting her eyelashes jokingly. “I only have your best interests at heart.”

Gyro shrugged and swirled his quickly-cooling coffee around in his mug. “Besides, Dels, you know there’s a reason you’re one of my only friends, right? You and Dickie and Daisy, you’re the people I’m closest with and that’s because you wouldn’t put up with my prickly, stay-alone-all-the-time bullshit. You guys drag me out of whatever place I’m holed up in kicking and screaming. Most people are not like that. I’m lucky to have three of you,” he admitted in the kind of moment of uncharacteristic vulnerability and clarity that only comes when you’re with someone you really trust.

Della snorted and reached across the table to shove Gyro gently. “Shut your self-depricating hole, Gyro Gearloose. Trust me, I wouldn’t put up with you if I didn’t want to.”

Gyro smirked, a small smile chasing away the dark storm clouds that covered his face. “I know, Dels.”

“Good.” Della replied self-assuredly. “I love Dickie and Daisy, and I love that they love you, but they’re not local. You need more friends, Gyro.”

“Maybe,” Gyro hummed softly, the closest he would ever come to admitting it. “But it’s even harder to get along with coworkers, and the chances of my subordinate being someone who actually wants to be friends with me is abysmal.”

Della shrugged. “Sometimes you learn to like each other. Like me ‘n Donnie! We drive each other crazy, but we have each other’s backs when it matters, and we’re always there for each other.”

Gyro snorted. “This hypothetical person and I will be coworkers, Dels, not siblings. That’s different. Besides, you and Donald love each other too much to be healthy.”

“Yeah, but Donnie and Uncle Scrooge and I are a little like coworkers, aren’t we? Adventuring is our job, and it’s very stressful at times,” Della said.

Gyro shook his head. “Dels, honestly, you have to get a job at some point. Mr. McDuck won’t let you leech off of him for much longer now, and you have no experience. It’s really not the same.”

Della shrugged. “At some point. I know Uncle Scrooge is biting at the bit, especially after Donnie joined the Navy, but I don’t want the responsibilities and schedules of work to tie me down and take me away from adventuring, you know? It’s the same reason I didn’t go off to college.”

“I still think you should have,” Gyro replied, smiling wryly. “You’re bright and you’d flourish being able to study what you choose.”

“I learn a lot adventuring,” Della replied smugly, stubborn as always. “I can speak seven languages fluently, you know!”

“Even if most of them are dead, or belong to otherworldly beings from alternate dimensions,” Gyro pointed out.

Della sighed contentedly and shook her head. “Whatever. What’s done is done, and I’ll get a job someday. But just think about it, Gyro, all right?” She locked gazes with Gyro pleadingly.

Gyro sighed in defeat. “Fine. I will give it some thought. But don’t get your hopes up, all right?”

Della smirked. “Whatever you say.”

Gyro put his head in his hands, roughly shoving aside his expensive coffee. (He was lucky it didn’t crash and burn, like most of his inventions.)

She’s not gonna win this one, Gyro aggressively promised himself. I can’t subject anyone else to my bullshit.

(The only reason he assented and allowed an intern on, in the future, was because Scrooge all but ordered it. He saw firsthand the way having positive people around improves lives and wanted that for Gyro too, especially with Della gone and Donald barely speaking to him. And if Mr. McDuck’s not-so-subtle hints and gentle persuasion-turned direct orders gave Gyro crystal-clear flashbacks to Della’s not-so-gentle prodding, and if he cried that night after his boss left, well, no one would be anyone the wiser.)

(He got quite lucky with Fenton and Manny, though. Some of that was the Board's thorough vetting process, but some of it was Scrooge himself intervening, because he wanted Gyro to make a friend as badly as Della had.)

--

August 15 I 7:26 pm

Della Duck: all right

Della Duck: I talked to Fenton again

Della Duck: i’m sorry for bothering you

Della Duck: it hurts to not talk to you but I’m gonna give you your space

Della Duck: I’m here whenever you’re ready

Della Duck: but please be ready soon Gyro i’m impatient

I know you are, Gyro nearly whispered as he read the texts. It felt like a finality, a surrender. But that couldn’t be right, because Della Duck never gave up.

How could he and his stupid, stupid inability to communicate his feelings and face his irrational fears be the one thing that forced Della Duck to admit defeat?

(read 7:58 pm)

--

The McDuck Annual Holiday Party was in full swing when Gyro arrived quietly. Launchpad had offered to drive him with Fenton, Manny, and Scrooge when they left a couple of hours ago, but Gyro had stayed to put the finishing touches on his current project, lest he lose his motivation.

That was the only reason. Not because Della would be there, and he might be forced to talk to her. No, sir.

Gyro clenched his fists so tight his knuckles turned white in the pockets of his vest. Who was he kidding? He wasn’t fooling himself, and he certainly wasn’t fooling his friends family coworkers. Every single one of them, even Mr. McDuck (now that was painful) had tossed him a look that ranged from disappointed to knowing to pitying as they left for the party. It made Gyro want to scream in rage and slam his fists against the wall until they were bruised and bloody. But even he knew that was unacceptable party behavior. (Mrs. Beakley had humiliatingly taken him aside for a quick rundown on which of his usual behaviors were not applicable at company parties.)

Steeling himself for a night of faux cheer and passive-aggressive conversations, Gyro quietly opened the door and slipped inside. Skirting on the outskirts of the party, he scanned the room desperately for allies to swarm to and enemies to avoid.

He spotted Fenton and Launchpad first, amicably chatting up the legendary Greek hero Storkules and his sister, the equally inexplicable and ethereal goddess Selene. (A mystery to unpack at a later date.) Beside them was the gruff Moonlander that Della seemed to love.

Gyro set his jaw. He could handle chatty immortals and aggressive aliens. At least they probably wouldn’t have a personal vendetta against him because of a malfunctioning invention or a poorly placed comment. He waded determinedly through the sluggish crowd, surprisingly stopped a couple times by friendly faces. (Boyd’s hug of greeting lasted almost three minutes, and that didn’t even account for the rest of the overzealously affectionate kids.)

Looking back, he’s lucky his the kids stalled him, because when he finally emerged from Webby’s hug, his eyes locked on his own personal horror story.

Della.

This was the first time Gyro had actually seen her since she’d come back from the moon. Her hair was longer, if only slightly, and her metal leg gleamed in the light from the chandeliers above. (His fingers itched to get his hands on it and upgrade it, toy with it, make it into a personal project, but he adamantly refused himself.)

Alongside the physical differences, Gyro noticed some changes to her demeanor as well. She seemed more… weathered, and tired, despite the ever-present spark of energy she seemed to radiate and her unwavering grin. It was cliché, and Dr. Gyro Gearloose hated clichés with a passion, but she had an almost haunted look in her eyes, contrasting her radiating cheery energy.

She was different, and he was different. So much time had passed. It seemed almost impossible that the duck in front of him was the same duck that Gyro had shared coffee and secrets with almost daily ten years ago.

And yet he yearned to return to their easy friendship. Not for the first time, Gyro wished desperately to go back in time a decade and stop the Spear of Selene from ever happening.

Della slipped between Penumbra and Selene, glowing in the way only an extrovert in social situations can. By way of greeting, she hugged everyone, even Fenton (!!!). She settled at last, hanging off Penumbra’s shoulder with Selene’s arm around her and Launchpad’s jacket around her shoulders (how she had acquired that, Gyro had no idea).

Unfortunately for Gyro, from her new position, she had a perfect view of him, stuck with only a single sparse group between them. Her eyes strayed to lock onto him and he froze, panic creeping in a mile a minute.For a moment neither moved, staring at each other.

She hadn’t texted him since August, true to her word, albeit how much it hurt for both of them. She had come to the lab a couple times, to pick up Fenton and/or Manny for coffee or to pick up or drop off Huey, Webby, or Boyd. But Gyro had always hid like the coward he was, terrified to face his best friend. The last time they’d talked was the day before Della took off in the Spear of Selene, ten years and eight months ago.

At last, after four months, and nine months of radio silence from his end, here she was, almost close enough to touch.

Then Gyro’s fight-or-flight instinct kicked in and he turned tail and ran, panic clouding his vision and his judgement. He shoved one of the Sabrewing husbands roughly aside (Scrooge would undoubtedly make him apologize for that later) in his frantic quest to escape all the raw emotions, of hurt and guilt and self-hatred, that sprung up all of a sudden.

His eyes locked on a door and he wrenched it open before slamming it shut. He leaned hard against the door, hands clenched around the handle, breathing hard.

Only once the panic began creeping away and his breathing slowed did Gyro finally process his surroundings. He was in a small broom closet, filled to the brim with glittery party supplies Mrs. Beakley had probably denied Webby. (She would probably find a way to sneak them into the party sometime later.)

And perched precariously on top of a box labeled “glitter fireworks” was a woman Gyro had met once, in the Old West, two hundred years ago.

Goldie O’Gilt sized him up, panicked and ruffled, and apparently decided he was no threat. She slid gracefully down from the boxes. “What brings you here, to the closet of forgotten and abandoned party supplies? Girl troubles?”

Gyro wanted to laugh, because technically, she was right. “I’m gay,” he replied, giving her his best deadpan stare. It was lacking.

She assessed him, trying hard not to smile, before bursting out laughing. Gyro barely resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands. “People problems, whatever. Please. You can’t fool me, hun.”

Gyro crossed his arms testily. “Why are you here? Away with you.”

Goldie grinned smugly, pretending to examine her nails. “Oh, nothing special. Just some extra fun for Scroogey later. May or may not involve glitter fireworks. You?”

Gyro snorted, without any real humor behind it, and rolled his eyes. “Great. Well, I have better things to do than watch you drive Mr. McDuck up the wall. See ya.”

“This is about Scroogey’s rediscovered niece, isn’t it?” Goldie called after him, as if as an afterthought.

Gyro froze, his fingers curled around the doorknob. “Why do you care?”

“I don’t, really,” Goldie hummed, faking disinterest. “But spare an old woman some juicy gossip, would ya? ‘Sides, I’m a professional conwoman. I see all the angles, and yours is in plain sight.”

Gyro scowled and shifted so he could see Goldie’s face again. She was smirking, small but triumphant, which did nothing to quell Gyro’s steadily growing mix between annoyance and panic. “And I suppose this has nothing to do with ‘Aunt Goldie,’ would it?”

Goldie shrugged nonchalantly, but the smile on her beak shifted into a small pout of annoyance. “I’ll do you a favor and be honest with you. Cherish this moment; it won’t happen again.”

She sighed and leaned more heavily against the precariously stacked boxes. “I may have missed Della and her adventurous, rambunctious spirit over the years,” she confessed, suddenly looking a good deal more like the age-old tired adventurer she was. “It hurts to see that spirit quenched, especially when I just got her back. She hasn’t even frustratingly tagged along to one of Scroogey and I’s not-so-solo adventures! And… I care about her. She’s almost my niece.”

Gyro frowned, stunned at Goldie’s clarity. “...Oh.”

Goldie straightened up and whipped out a shiny knife from the folds of her dress. “But tell anyone, especially Della or Scrooge, and they’ll never know what happened to ya,” she warned, wagging the knife in the direction of Gyro’s face.

He pressed himself against the door while maintaining his scowl, despite the fact that it was too far away to hurt him. He knew what she could do if she put her mind to it. “I won’t.”

Goldie slipped the knife back into the folds of her dress, where it seemed to magically disappear from her hand. “Good. Now go get my niece’s spirit back,” she instructed strictly, shoving Gyro not-so-subtly towards the door.

He wrenched it open and slipped surreptitiously outside, glancing around the party. The crowds seemed to have thinned a little.

Gyro spotted Della easily. She, Donald, and Mrs. Beakley were gently corralling the gaggle of children upstairs - it was quite late, after all. Gyro started to step towards her, then hesitated.

He chickened out and sprinted unsteadily outside instead, taking in big mouthfuls of the refreshingly cold December air.

The chill set in after a few moments and he wrapped his arms around himself, shivering, and despairingly started the long trek away from the mansion.

His phone was buzzing with worried texts from his friends (and Della, no doubt), but Gyro set his jaw and walked on, stubbornly ignoring their annoyingly righteous concern. No use telling everyone he lost his nerve again, just like every time Della texted.

Gyro gritted his teeth and pulled the collar of his jacket over the lower half of his face as protection against the biting winds. The physical pain lessened, but the icy feeling in his gut did not. He balled his hands into fists, as if to physically punch his overwhelming guilt and regret away.

I’m a bad friend.

--

Early April was always a little tough for Gyro, with the anniversary of the destruction he inadvertently sowed in Tokyolk. It got better with time, but the early years were always a little rough.

(And after that he always had another grief-filled and regretful anniversary to observe in April, anyway.)

He was pushing through it, though, by throwing himself into his work. This year was especially easy. The Spear of Selene was almost done, and would probably be finished just before the eggs’ hatching.

The last time he talked to Della was when he was taking a quick, rare break the day before what would be the second-worst day of Gyro’s life. (Tokyolk took first, if only narrowly.) He had gone off on a quest in search of coffee - he was at the launch lot, and he’d unfortunately been banned from the closest coffee shop. (It was their fault anyway - what kind of coffee shop didn’t want an automatic coffee bean stocker? Even if it tried to stock customers when there were no beans left? Really, they shouldn’t have run out of beans. And his price of free coffee for life was so reasonable and small, really, when he usually frequented the one closer to the lab. Their loss.)

“Gyro!” Della sprinted up to him, face flushed from running in the chilly winds and early spring air. She held out a coffee from the aforementioned shop to him with a grin, prompting his frustrated rant, but Della just let him prattle on with a goofy grin gracing her face.

“What’s going on?” Gyro finally demanded, after watching Della beam ardently at his violent threats and calls for justice and revenge towards the coffee shop. “Your smile is… sillier than usual. Which is saying something.”

Della waved him off, his insult breezing past her. “It’s a surprise. You’ll see!!”

Gyro raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. “Is it a good surprise?”

Della beamed triumphantly back at him. “Definitely.”

Gyro frowned dubiously, but he knew Della well. For all her recklessness, when she was this sure about something, her judgement was usually worth listening to.

(Later, he’d wish he hadn’t listened to her, and trusted his own gut, for once.)

He shrugged. “I highly doubt it’s as good as you think it is,” he replied haughtily, prompting carefree laughter from Della.

“It definitely is. Just you wait.” She reached out with her free hand and booped him on the beak, causing him to reel back, away from her. “I can make an educated guess that you’ll love it.”

Gyro rolled his eyes at her rudimentary science terminology, causing her to giggle. “If it’s another movie night with Fethry, I’ll pass.”

“Better than that,” Della promised, her smug grin turning downright devious. It didn’t faze Gyro in the slightest.

He shrugged carelessly. “With you, that could either mean better or worse. Otherwise known as pure, unadulterated torture for me.”

Della laughed, but her smile softened into something more vulnerable and emotional, no longer masked by a carefree and reckless demeanor. “I’m telling you, Gyro. You’ll love it. Come on, when have I ever been wrong?’’

Gyro barked a laugh. “Do you really want me to answer that? Because I have a full comprehensive list at the top of my head, and that only covers the basics.”

“Hating black licorice doesn’t count,” Della protested. “It tastes worse than every iteration of Hell, and I’ve been to every iteration of Hell!”

Gyro raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “Did you taste every iteration of Hell?”

Della rolled her eyes playfully. “Whatever. Just trust me on this one, will you?” she asked, hitting him with that almost vulnerable expression again.

Gyro huffed. “Fine.” He stuck a finger pompously in the air. “But I reserve the right to pass judgement when I see it.”

Della sighed without any real weight behind it. “Fine, whatever you want. But trust me, you’ll be blown away by the amazingness of this surprise!!!”

“We’ll see about that,” Gyro replied, smirking. “Now, away with you!! I have a highly important project to finish - which is unanimously more important than whatever surprise you have cooked up - and I simply cannot afford any distractions!!”

Della snorted knowingly. “Whatever. See you tomorrow at my amazing surprise! And you’re welcome for the coffee, Mr. Banned-From-Coffee-Shops!!”

Gyro shook his head fondly and made his way down the hill back to the lot. The Spear of Selene loomed in front of him, shining in the weak midday sun. It seemed frozen, waiting, on edge.

“Soon,” Gyro promised to no one in particular. He climbed inside to make some last-minute tweaks to the nuanced controls. “You’ll be in the air by May at the latest,” he promised, patting the cold metal of the rocketship. “Just let me make sure this is perfect. So nothing could ever go wrong.”

--

Jan 3, 2020 I 5:47 am

Donald Duck: hey asshole

Donald Duck: fyi Della’s really upset

Donald Duck: she really missed her friends ya know?

Donald Duck: Look, Gyro

Donald Duck: I know how this feels

Donald Duck: I know you’re scared

Donald Duck: but dude you face scarier stuff every day when your inventions go evil

Donald Duck: if you can face Lil’ Bulb turning evil not once but twice and still call him your son I think you can face your best friend

Donald Duck: and i know I said some shitty things to you the day we lost her and I’m sorry, that was uncalled for

Donald Duck: I was upset, as were you

Donald Duck: I forgive you if that’s not clear

Donald Duck: i forgave you a long time ago

Donald Duck: Della has too

Donald Duck: she never blamed you

Donald Duck: except maybe for the flavor of Oxy-Chew. But that saved her life, Gyro!

Donald Duck: I know I said your invention killed her, but your invention also saved her, and after she fixed it your invention brought her home

Donald Duck: now she’s back, but you’re losing her again

--

Gyro stumbling blearily awake, fumbling for his glasses, tired and disoriented, was nothing outside of the norm. He was a secluded, inane inventor with few friends, little social interaction, and no sleep schedule. Not to mention the plethora of projects piled on his desk vying for his attention, and the ever-present mug of coffee in his hand. (At the moment, there was a half-empty one on his desk, placed precariously on top of some blueprints.)

But his latest cup of coffee’s predicament was the least of Gyro’s worries at the moment. Because his phone, charging on his bedside, was blowing up. And that was decidedly not normal.

Gyro, at this point in time, didn’t have social media yet. (Fenton, Louie, and Dewey didn’t exist in his life yet, and so they had not had a chance to plot and execute an intervention.) Sometimes his phone blew up from the group chat with Daisy and Dickie, or the group chat with Della, Daisy, and Dickie, or just Della when she got excited. Or Fethry, once in a while, but Gyro was certain he’d blocked Fethry’s number this time.

Gyro clumsily put on his glasses and pulled himself up into a sitting position, still half-asleep. He scrolled through his notifications, frowning.

Mostly missed calls from Donald and Scrooge, a couple confused text notifications from Gladstone, two missed calls from the Board (that couldn’t be good), and one from Roxanne Featherly, a trainee journalist under Angus Fangus who had taken an unfortunate liking to calling him whenever one of his inventions went haywire.

Panic began to stir in Gyro’s gut.

The weirdest part, though, was that most of the notifications had not come from Della. She was by far his most ardent caller, and she had called, a couple times, but they were all over an hour ago. They were all buried by the rest of his missed calls.

Odd. Very odd.

Gyro tried calling Della first, to soften the blow of whatever was happening. Della wouldn’t sugarcoat the problem. She knew better. But there was something about her contagious enthusiasm and optimism, as well as her face-it-head-on attitude, that made whatever issue was at hand seem less daunting.

But his call went to voicemail.

Gyro shook his head, confused and more than a little scared at this point. Della almost never refused his calls, even if she was on an adventure (as long as she had cell service). It annoyed Donald to no avail, but Gyro was grateful for it - he didn’t reach out for social interaction with no reason.

But now? It only scared Gyro.

He frowned, contemplating, and called Donald next. Scrooge was more likely to call unprompted than Donald, and he didn’t want to deal with the Buzzards or Featherly yet, so Donald it was.

He picked up on the third ring.“Oh, so now he picks up!! When he can’t be of any help!! What’s the big idea, Doctor?!”

Gyro scowled, annoyance beginning to mix with the terror in his gut. “For your information, I just woke up. Now, what is going on?! Della won’t answer my calls and I have an ungodly amount of notifications at three AM. Seriously, people.”

“You want to know what is going on?!” Donald screamed, his voice and temper steadily rising. Gyro flinched at the volume, but kept the phone pressed close to his ear out of half morbid curiosity and half unwanted worry. “I’ll tell you what’s going on!!! Scrooge just killed Della!! And he used your stupid, untrustworthy invention to do it!!!”

Gyro nearly dropped the phone.“...Killed?” he nearly whispered. “How? The Spear of Selene isn’t ready yet and-”

“She took it!!” Donald screeched. “She took that good-for-nothing rocket and flew straight into a cosmic storm!”

“She wasn’t supposed to!” Gyro spluttered, numb. “She wasn’t even supposed to know about it yet!”

“Well, she did!” Donald spat darkly. “And now she’s gone. She left her boys orphaned. What were you thinking, making her that rocket?!”

“It was Mr. McDuck’s idea,” Gyro whispered numbly, automatically. “He- I- We never thought-”

“Scrooge,” Donald growled, and if Gyro knew him well enough he was dragging a frustrated hand down his face. “Of course. He’s too reckless and careless. He killed my sister.”

Gyro rubbed at his eyes under his glasses, unable to think of a coherent response. “I- I don’t think-”

“That’s right, you don’t think,” Donald snarled. “None of you do. And now my sister is dead, thanks to Scrooge. And you. Lose my number, Gyro. You won’t see me again.”

Click.

Gyro stared numbly at the floor, his phone still pressed against his ear, as the dial tone played. Finally, he slowly lowered it to his side and dropped it on the bed next to him before taking off his glasses and dropping his head into his hands.

Then, finally, he cried.

Della Duck. Dead. His best friend. Dead.

It was impossible, improbable. Della Duck was a famed adventurer barely two decades old. She breathed life. She had faced perils and terrors far worse than a cosmic storm, sustained injuries far worse, and bounced back.

Dead.

Because of Gyro’s invention. Maybe if he had worked a little harder, been a little more meticulous, he could have saved her.

He had failed again, gambled and lost with precious lives again, caused death and destruction again. It was Tokyolk all over again, and this time, the lost stakes were even more personal.

Gyro grabbed his phone suddenly, shakingly off the bed and pulled up Della’s contact. Her face beamed back at him, so full of life it seemed to burst from the tiny circle on his cracked phone screen.

He called her again, listening to it ring with baited breath even though he already knew the outcome.

“Hey, this is Della Duck, adventurer extraordinaire! I’m probably trekking through the Amazon or fighting a demon monarch in another dimension right now. Catch ya later!”

Gyro hung up before she could finish her last syllable and sobbed.

--

February 28 I 2:26 pm

Della Duck: fyi I’m picking Huey up today instead of Launchpad since he has a sleepover with his friend Jason today

Della Duck: you know

Della Duck: in case you wanna hide from me again

Della Duck: btw do you care if I snag that magnifying glass that shrinks people in like a month? We’re gonna go to Miniapolis soon

Della Duck: i mean i’m gonna take it anyway but figured you might want a heads up

March 14 I 5:18 pm

Gyro Gearloose: go ahead

Della Duck: GYRO!!!!

Della Duck: oh sorry

Della Duck: look I’m really excited but I also don’t wanna come on too strong

Gyro Gearloose: you’re fine

Della Duck: :D

Gyro Gearloose: it’s my fault I was being a coward

Gyro Gearloose: i couldn’t face my emotions and that was shitty of me

Della Duck: Gyro i took off in a rocket at midnight without telling anyone and left my kids without a mother for a decade

Della Duck: i win for stupid shitty actions here

Gyro Gearloose: it’s not a contest

Gyro Gearloose: we’re both shitty and stupid let’s leave it at that

Della Duck: yeah ur right

Gyro Gearloose: but dels

Gyro Gearloose: I’m sorry

Gyro Gearloose: it’s been almost a year and i fucking ignored you

Gyro Gearloose: i had the chance to get you back and i didn’t take it

Della Duck: hey

Della Duck: it’s okay

Della Duck: i know this is all a lot

Della Duck: i’m here now and that’s what matters

Gyro Gearloose: della i’m so glad

Della Duck: hey Huey is coming to the lab today

Della Duck: what if I come to pick him up and then you and I go out and catch up?

Della Duck: get expensive coffee on Uncle Scrooge’s dime just like old times?

Gyro Gearloose: fuck yeah

Gyro Gearloose: I’ve missed our expensive shitty coffee and gossip

Gyro Gearloose: I have SO much shit to talk about Dr. Akita

Gyro Gearloose: god

Gyro Gearloose: I hate him now

Della Duck: oh man

Della Duck: Huey told me a bit about Tokyolk but I want to hear all about it for you

Della Duck: and Boyd!!! Omg I can’t believe you’re a father

Della Duck: he’s so sweet

Gyro Gearloose: I don’t know if I’d call myself a father he has the Drakes

Della Duck: but you want to be don’t you?

Gyro Gearloose: ...yeah

Gyro Gearloose: but i’d be a shitty parent you know that

Della Duck: actually I don’t think so

Della Duck: i’m a shitty parent and I’m doing fine

Gyro Gearloose: what a surprise

Della Duck: wow thanks for the vote of confidence

Della Duck: but Beakley Donald and Scrooge are helping me

Della Duck: we’ll help you

Della Duck: join the shitty parents club!!

Gyro Gearloose: haha all right

Della Duck: also

Della Duck: i want to hear all about fenton

Gyro Gearloose: then I want to hear all about Penumbra

Gyro Gearloose: you’re not the only one who can play the love interest card

Della Duck: joke’s on you I WANT to talk about penny

Della Duck: anyway i’m leaving now

Della Duck: see you soon!!

Gyro Gearloose: i can’t wait to see you and your ugly 10-year-old clothes

Gyro Gearloose: seriously you’re wearing almost the exact same outfit

Della Duck:  uh HELLO you have no right to shit on the way I dress look at yourself

Della Duck: you dress like a very old gay man

Della Duck: i mean that vest?? really?

Gyro Gearloose: at least i’m not old

Della Duck: touché

Della Duck: LP is driving so i’m almost there see you in a sec

Della Duck: and i’ll probably grab that magnifying glass now

Gyro Gearloose: that’s fine

Gyro Gearloose: i missed you

Della Duck: aw you old sap

Della Duck: never thought i’d hear you say anything like that tbh you’ve gone soft

Gyro Gearloose: I realized recently that my greatest mistakes were not as black-and-white as they seemed

Gyro Gearloose: and if Boyd can forgive me for unknowingly letting Akita turn him into a weapon of mass destruction and for me ignoring him for years and belittling him throughout this trip

Gyro Gearloose: and if I can face both brainwashed 2BO and Akita and win with the “power of love” or whatever than maybe I can talk to you

Della Duck: damn

Della Duck: I have SO many questions about Tokyolk

Della Duck: but i can hold onto them for a minute

The lab doors dinged open, but Della was sprinting out of them before they were fully open. The rest of Team Science watched warily as Della rushed towards Gyro, beaming and laughing, joy seeming to spill out of her. They expected him to hide, or push her away. but to their happy surprise, Gyro met her halfway and wrapped her in a hug.

Or, Della nearly crashed into him and squeezed him so tight he couldn’t breathe, prompting some annoyance, but it was crushed under the sheer joy and emotions of seeing his estranged best friend after eleven years.

Gyro laughed shakily, holding back tears, until he realized Della was crying too. She got snot on his work shirt, but he didn’t care.

They held each other for quite a while, until Della finally pulled back, wiped her eyes, and socked Gyro in the shoulder. “Don’t ever leave me hanging like that again, you hear?! I will hunt you down! I’ll give you your space but I’ll hunt you down! I won’t let this happen again!”

Gyro smiled and wiped away his own tears. “Yes, ma’am. Now, coffee?”

Della beamed. “The expensive kind. You got it.”

“It’s about time,” Manny tapped grumpily in the background, with Huey, Fenton, and Lil’ Bulb adding their agreement, but Della and Gyro ignored them as they flounced out of the lab.They had eleven years of friendship and gossip to catch up on, after all.

{it’s not too late, it was

never too late}

~

woohoo this is a wild ride! i didn’t intend for it to be this long but it just got away from me. Della and Gyro having a friendship, especially before the spear of selene, is one of my favorite headcanons. I think Della would basically grab Gyro and force him to be friends with her and to hang out with her haha.

I have a hard time writing Gyro as mean as he is in canon because I’m a sensitive sweet bean who isn’t creative or socially adept enough to come up with good insults (yet, hopefully). but i’m getting better! i hope this read as somewhat in character. same with Goldie, i’ve been trying to figure out how to write her for two years now sdfghgfds. I think I got Della’s character somewhat down though!

soft Gyro is more of an interpretation (albeit supported by canon) than canon fact but I LOVE it and i’m writing four (counting this) fics based off of it so get ready for that

the title and song lyrics are from People Need a Melody by The Head and the Heart. That song is really special to me because it was my closing song for camp last year (we would sing a song special for each unit each night before bed). I didn’t plan to use this song from the start (the working title was “DR. GYRO GEARLOOSE GET OFF UR ASS AND ANSWER UR PHONE -Della”) - I was listening to it one night, nostalgic for camp, while writing this fic and I realized the lyrics fit!

(also I was on a call for colorguard while I was writing this author’s note and my instructor said “I hear a lot of typing” lol)

[rock-speaks]

OKAY OKAY RANDOM HEADCANON TIME!!!

Louie

- autistic with ADHD overlap

- Inattentive

- the longest he’s slept for was 25 hours

- Deep as hell sleeper takes him at least and hour or two to come to full control

- Has 0 filter will literally say whatever comes to his mind regardless of how mean it may be or how crazy it might sound

- Talks to himself a crazy amount

- Louie has a banging TikTok where he just flexes and makes fun of Scrooge

- Louie has a huge social media presence in general he keeps it on the down low nobody knows about it and Louie would like to keep it that way

- Louie is a picky eater but eats all the time constantly snacking if the pantry is empty it was probably Louies doing

- He probably watches shitty movies and claims it’s too make fun of them but he really just likes them

- Probably really good at impressions his favorite person too make fun of is Huey

- Definitely needs therapy

- Secretly a big sap for romance those cliche movies where lovers embrace in the rain? Louies weakness

- Him and Lena are definitely super close not as close as Lena is too Webby but they’re still besties

- Prank king

- Sometimes just too “see what will happen” he tells people fake facts they almost always believe him (except for Huey) because why would they not? He has no idea why he does this but he hasn’t shown any signs of stopping

- Whenever he’s alone with Scrooge he says oddly cryptic and strange things no body knows why, sometimes not even Louie

- I imagine all the nephews have really curly hair Louies the only one who doesn’t straighten his hair

- Excellent judge of character

- Wise ass

Huey

- autistic!!!

- Will bring up the fact that he’s the oldest sibling in conversations that have nothing to do with it

- He’s probably a big saver and is definitely a person who has a penny collection

- Big collector!!! I swear he probably uses one of Scrooge’s unused rooms too keep foliage and rocks that he found

- He’s definitely got great posture

- Huey will randomly bring up a random memory if it somehow resurfaces to his mind no one knows how he remembers half this stuff and sometimes he brings up stuff they’d wish he’d forgotten

- Has definitely never said anything he didn’t mean

- Never says “I promise” if he knows he can’t do it

- Huey really just wants to be good at everything he tries so when he isn’t he just kinda gives up on it

- So obviously Huey isn’t a “practice makes perfect” kind of kid he’s more the “if it’s not right the first time scrap it and never try again”

- Huey probably holds himself to such a high standard and puts so much stress on himself to always be perfect

- Loyalty to the fuckin end

- Him and Lena get into “fights” all the time Lena is constantly trying to fuck with Huey and he’s just not here for it (yet another reason why her and Louie make such an insufferable team)

- Bad at video games

- Definitely takes the most after Donald in the sense that he’s so fucking rage full and I mean full Donald rage like fists flying in the air shouting with a red face type angry

- Needs fucking therapy and definitely has anxiety

- Has a bad sense of humor and laughs at everything part of the reason Dewey and Louie think they’re so funny

- Only has his one iPad and really only uses it for planning and other nerd stuff

- All fruits are Hueys favorite fruits but his favorites are blue berries

- Has a celebrity crush on Gizmoduck

Dewey

- This was pretty much confirmed murder on killmotor hill but he’s bisexual

- Long Huey shows up in his nightmares

- Always the first to start a pillow fight

- Has abandonment issues needs therapy

- Secretly listens to punk music and only Donald knows and he couldn’t be more proud (I wrote this before Louies eleven came out!! Lmao canon!!!)

- Loves to draw even though he probably sucks at it

- Dewey is totally the kid that will literally do anything for validation jump off the roof too seem cool? He’d do it in a heart beat

- Pretends not too care but he totally does

- Dewey is ADHD personalized never stops moving never stops talking something is seriously wrong when he’s quiet

- This is technically canon but he’s so petty

- Dewey is the type of guy who would NEVER ask for directions no matter how lost

- Speaking of he was probably the triplet to get lost the most

- Dewey loves robots like loves loves LOVES robots his dream is to learn to code and learn mechanics and build one him and Huey and him used to do those little “build your own robot kits” when they were younger

- Dewey has like 50 different dream jobs

- Launchpad has turned him into a hardcore darkwing duck fan

- THEATER KID

- Sort of forces himself to be an extrovert

Webby

- Webby loves to draw

- Has definitely cosplayed

- Knows about Louies secret social media accounts but he doesn’t need to know that

- You’re trying to keep something from Webby? What a joke

- Webby knows pretty much every ancient language

- Webby doesn’t know what a joke is and takes everything literally

- Definitely writes fan fictions

- Autistic

- Stims with her whole body excited jumping and screaming constantly

- Probably orally fixated out everything in her mouth

- Sometimes forgets things she literally just did or said often she asks “wait what did I just say?”

- Favorite movie? Men in black for sure

- Has always secretly wanted to be in a play

- If Scrooge says anything nice to her she thinks about it weeks after even if it’s something as small as “thank you”

- Feels really bad for glomgold and just really wants him to be happy

- Webby is cuddle central doesn’t matter when or where or who

- It kind of bothers her that Lena seems to always take Louies side

- HATES CONFRONTATION will console a friend in a heart beat but never NEVER EVER wants to fight

- Bad with social cues due to her ASD luckily she has the triplets and Lena and Violet to help her out in bad situations

- If no one stops her will talk about one thing for hours Lena always lets her

- Probably knows how to play like a shit ton of instruments

- Really likes cooking but she sucks at it Scrooge ate her cooking once to make her happy but promptly through it up when she left

- Was definitely a lego kid

Lena

- If any elderly woman tries to touch her she flips due to magicas abuse good thing she’s got two gay dads now

- Loves Violet so much and thanks her every night before bed

- After extensive therapy that was suggested by Violet had the rest of her friends she’s able to look at her own shadow again even if sometimes it really freaks her out

- Lena is a lesbian 100% open about it

- Wishes she were a vampire and definitely reads those dumb vampire/werewolf stories

- Really likes that she’s taller than all her friends uses that against her Huey fucking hates her for it

- Her favorite crime is arson

- Because she’s a rebellious teen her and officer M’ma have had a few run ins

- Shes probably never actually been to Paris but rather said that to impress Webby

- Lenas the type of emo to cover her face in every picture of her

- Has always cut her hair herself and when her friends talk about wanting to cut their hair she does it for them trying to convince them to let her dye it the whole time

- Lenas is responsible for most of the graffiti in duckburg

- Loves Launchpad she thinks it’s really fun to tell him stuff that isn’t true and he’s cool when she tells him she was just joking

- Has always secretly wanted to be a florist

- Loves licorice

- Magica probably didn’t intend for her to have a personality or a life at all really so Lena definitely picked the name herself

- Magicas not really controlling her nightmares anymore but she’s still very much in them they’ve gotten better but they still happen every so often

- Sometimes if she’s sitting on the couch and someone’s sitting right in front of her she kicks them in the head not hard but enough to bother them

- Probably can’t read

- She probably doesn’t have an official birthday so she doesn’t really understand the celebration of one one day Webby the triplets and Violet surprised her with a birthday

Violet

- in my head Duckula and Von goosewing will always be her parents

- Violets favorite thing to research is definitely trees

- Weak ass immune system probably gets sick all the time

- Definitely dresses however see feels on her off days she throws people off when she shows up ripped jeans and leather jackets

- Her biggest pet peeve is when anyone does anything loud

- Violet has been teaching things that Lena wasn’t taught since she never got a traditional education

- Violet is still a hard core skeptic despite having a sister made of shadows and a father who is a vampire

- Her hair is always a frizzy mess so she chooses never to do anything with it and just keeps it in a bun

- Really doesn’t get any memes ever

- Violet is probably a very low key germaphobe

- Pokemon is her favorite game and she knows all the originals and is a pro at all the games

-Huey and her do that thing we’re neither of you are fighting but rather both talking loudly that makes people think “oh it’s getting pretty heated over there”

[lexi-pup]

Perfectly Perfect: Chapter  1 (Self-Insert fic)

Title: Perfectly Perfect

Rating: Teen for swearing(That didn’t take long but it’s not a lot)

Relationship: Steelbeak x Self Insert Lexi

Genre: Family/Friendship and eventually Angst and Hurt/Comfort

Chapter Summary: Steelbeak is here and we chat about teachers that sucked when we were kids.

Other: Nothing that I can think of.

Author’s Note:

Just a quick chapter. I’m trying to think of filler related things before the angst and pain starts in a couple of chapters. Which I’m going to try and make be chapter 10 when it happens.

I will forever headcanon that OG Steelbeak is New Steelbeak’s dad. But instead of working with FOWL, he was some Crime/Mob boss and it’s how he lost his beak. Which is ironic that both lost their beaks for one reason or another. 

Prologue - Last Chapter - Next Chapter 

It was an average Spring day in April 2019 when Black Heron sent Steelbeak to the library to grab a few things. Apparently there was some books there that FOWL needed. So she decided to send her errand boy to go get them for her.

Steelbeak stepped inside and groaned to himself. He was never really into reading when he was younger. Well, except for Darkwing Duck comics. He read those all the time. Much to his teacher’s dislike.

He looked at the list he was given and began looking for them.

As he walked by a table, he thought he saw that Dewey kid at a different table only in red this time. But he didn’t get the chance to think about it for very long when a noise distracted him.

Looking down, he saw someone had smacked themselves in the face with a notebook. Chuckling, he walked over so he was leaning on the chair next to them.

“Bad day, babe?” Steelbeak asked.

“You can say that.” I replied with my pointed ear pinned down and not looking up from my notebook.

“What are you doing?” Steelbeak decided to ask.

“I forgot how much homework sucked.” I put the notebook down and my ear lifted up again.

“You look a little old for homework.” Steelbeak stated the obvious.

“Let’s just say I went to college, quit after a year or so to help raise my nephews, and finally started going back recently.”  I said.

“Ooooh!” Steelbeak started. “I got ya.” 

“I also forgot how teachers can be dicks for no reason.” I added.

“Oh don’t get me started. I hated just about every teacher that I had as a kid. Then again, it probably didn’t help how often I fought with my teachers and the other kids.” He gave a small quiet chuckle. “I lost track on how many schools I was kicked out of for fighting.”

“Wow.” I stated.

“I know!” Steelbeak said and kneeled down a little. “Wanna hear a story about one of my worst teachers that I had?”

“Sure.” I nodded.

“So I was maybe 9 or 10 years old, right? I did awful in things like Math and Science and had this woman as my teacher for both one year. I think those two classes were back-to-back even.” Steelbeak started. “For some reason she refused to give me help in those classes. And was constantly calling me out in front of the whole class. Hell, the other kids started calling me names like ‘stupid’ and she did nothing about it since she called me it herself too and even started it.”

“Please say she got fired.” I said.

“Nope. Never got fired for it. I got kicked out for fighting her one too many times though.“ Steelbeak continued. “Another thing that happened was that some kid was crying for getting a B and this same teacher told her to be happy she wasn’t like me and getting Ds and Fs! It wasn’t the only time she mentioned my grades out loud.”

“I probably would’ve fought her too for being a mega bitch.” I replied.

“Really?”

“Nah.” I smiled. “I didn’t get into fights like that. But it definitely would’ve pissed me off if I had a teacher go THAT far. Now I’m glad my kids are home schooled now.”  

“Did you have teachers get on your nerves like that?” Steelbeak asked.

“Yeah I did. I remember in 4th and 5th grades, I had this teacher bitch at me nearly every day. When I found out she was my home room teacher for 5th grade, I dreaded that school year before it started. Only upside is that my class had two desks side-by-side for our books.” I replied.

“What did she bitch at you for?” Steelbeak asked, sitting down beside me.

“I went to a private school and had to wear skirts along with pants. She kept yelling at me about my skirts being too short despite classmates and kids both younger and older having even shorter skirts than me. Plus, I was constantly growing during those two years and had gotten new skirts in 4th grade. Let’s just say those things are expensive as Hell. Even back then.”

“Did any other teachers give you trouble about it?”

“Nope.” I shook my head. “That’s why I never did anything about it. She was the only one to give me problems so I chose not to get new skirts to make her happy. If other teachers and the principal said something, maybe I would’ve done something different.”

“Good for you. Honestly, I probably would’ve picked fights with her every day like my own teachers.” Steelbeak shrugged. “That said, I don’t even remember many from high school. In fact, I actually dropped out completely when I was 16 years old and left home.”

“How did your parents feel?” I asked.

“My folks didn’t like it. But then again, my dad’s an asshole and I never did anything right in his eyes. My mom, eh….she wasn’t much better.”

“That really sucks.” I replied, not knowing how to take in that info.

“Don’t worry about it. It was years ago. I haven’t seen my parents in a long time but I did turn into my dad a little bit.” He tapped his beak. “Never told me what happened to his original beak before he got a prosthetic but I doubt he did the same thing that I did to mine. Personally, I‘m pretty sure he was some crime boss. You‘re lucky you got two families.”

“How do you know?” I questioned, humorously. 

“Well, you’re a Dognose. So obviously you have a Dognose family. And I’ve seen you with McDuck’s family all the time. Are you like some bonus family member or something?” Steelbeak asked.

“Yeah. I guess you can say I’m an honorary family member since I grew up with his niece and nephews. He took to calling me his niece one day and he‘s been my Uncle Scrooge ever since.” I said.

“See? You got two families. You make stuff like that look easy. I mean, I did have friends growing up that liked things like Darkwing Duck. But it didn‘t last in high school.” Steelbeak rubbed his face.

“Trust me, I always had social anxiety growing up and was lucky to meet Donald and Della. I’m pretty sure Donald and I only became best friends because we both have speech impediments. So we knew how the other was feeling with our shared insecurity and bonded from that. Della was a bonus best friend that happened to be a girl too.”

“So would you have been able to make friends or gain a second family without them?” Steelbeak asked.

“Fuck no.” I replied.

“Well,” Steelbeak laughed then someone shushed him so he quieted his voice a little. “I guess that made me feel a little bit better.”

“Surely you have friends now right?” I asked.

“Yeah!…Kind of… Depends on what you consider coworkers to be. Especially if they call you stupid and constantly muzzle you. I‘m NOT stupid, by the way!” Steelbeak replied, folding his arms.

“Didn’t say that you are.” I frowned. “Doesn’t sound like friends to me. I mean, playfully calling you dumb is one thing, being full on serious is another. Especially if they muzzle you.”

“Have you ever been called it before? And are you still bothered about your speech problem?” Steelbeak asked.

“Not as much now as I was when I was younger. If you meant stupid, I don’t think I’ve been called it straight to my face. But I know my teachers thought it all the time. Especially my math teachers.” I held up the notebook I hit myself with earlier and showed it saying MATH on it.

“I agree, Math is the worst.” Steelbeak chuckled. “Now I understand why you smacked yourself earlier. But come on, I doubt you did worse than me.”

“I beg to differ. You weren’t the one with an undiagnosed learning disorder so everyone thought you were legit stupid when it came to all things Math. Well, I’m pretty sure I have a learning disorder. Those tests didn’t exist as a kid so who knows. But the one I think I have makes so much sense.” I said.

“Oh really? What is it?” Steelbeak asked.

“It’s called Dyscalculia.” I replied. “It basically involves having a hard time with concepts like time, mainly analog clocks, and measurement. And not being able to remember concepts, rules, and formulas.”

“Do you think things would be different if you knew about it as a kid?”

“Probably not.” I shrugged. “It wouldn’t of changed how I still did awful in math and better in History and reading.”

“Same here.” Steelbeak said. “I wasn’t into reading much as a kid but it was definitely the easiest subject for me. History wasn’t so bad either. What type of books did you read?”

“Mainly things involving supernatural or paranormal. What about you?”

“Like I said, I didn’t read books much.” Steelbeak said.

“You mentioned Darkwing Duck, right? Did you read the comics?” I asked.

“Oh yeah! I read those all the time! Did you read them?” He asked.

“Not really. I’ve been rewatching the show with my buddy, LP.” I said.

“…You mean Launchpad?” I nodded. “Huh. Didn’t know he was into Darkwing too.”  

“You know him?” I asked.

“Sort of. We met… in passing one day and I heard the kid over there talk to him. Only he was wearing blue.” He pointed to Huey.

“That was probably Dewey. Huey wears red a lot and is over there. Dewey wears blue. Louie, the third triplet, is usually wearing green.” I said and he stared at me. “What? I did help raise my honorary nephews… so of course I can tell which is which.”

“Fair enough.” Steelbeak replied with a shrug. “So what made you start school again? Was it because your kids are older now?”

“No. The boy’s mom is home now and found out I quit college over 10 years ago to help raise her kids. She basically forced me to go back.” I replied.

“And yet you’re still babysitting one of them.” Steelbeak said.

“The kids asked to come since they made their own book club. I don‘t mind watching them as I do my homework.” I shrugged.

“Where’s the rest of the kids at?” Steelbeak asked.

“Either home at the mansion or hopefully with another adult.” I said.

“Oh okay. Well, I better go look for the books that I’m here for before I forget.” Steelbeak said, standing up and taking the list out again.

After looking at the list, he frowned and looked around.

“Need help…?” I asked, noticing the look.

“Uh no. I can find them on my own. Thanks though, babe.” Steelbeak winked then walked away.

[timetravelingheart]

Consequences Chapter Five: A.M. Imagine

I guess I probably should have included some type of warning when I started this series. I’m not much of a smut writer, but I may attempt it, and even if don’t, there will definitely be allusions to sex. My characters also swear. I don’t think there are any other warnings, but if there is anything that upsets you or you think deserves a warning, please let me know! 

_ 

“I can’t believe you convinced me to come here,” Tessa nervously ran her fingers through her hair as she and Lydia got out of Lydia’s car. 

Auston had been badgering her for weeks about going out with the guys or attending one of their parties and she had been giving excuse after excuse (some legitimate, some not so much) to not attend. Somehow, over the course of the past few weeks, it appeared that the guys on the team, Auston included, had added Lydia to their socials and decided to hit her up instead, hoping for a different answer. And Lydia, being Lydia, was definitely not going to say no to a party. 

“Oh, whatever,” Lydia brushed her off. “It’s about time you hang out with Auston again. He cleared up everything about the girl at the bar, yeah?”

“Yeah, he did, but-”

“Then no buts. Just let loose and have a good time. No one is saying you have to sleep with the guy, T. But it doesn’t hurt to make more friends.”

With that, Lydia linked her hand with Tessa’s and pulled her towards the massive double doors of the Marleaus’ house. Tessa wasn’t sure what kind of party a married couple with three young kids would be hosting on a random Sunday afternoon, but she was told to bring a bathing suit and just wear comfy clothes so she figured it couldn’t be too wild. 

Before they could ring the doorbell, a beautiful woman opened the door with a big smile on her face. Christina Marleau, Tessa realized. 

“Welcome! I’m so happy you two could make it,” Christina beamed, reaching out to pull each girl into a hug. “You must be Tessa and Lydia. I’ve heard so much about you!”

“You mean you’ve heard so much about Tessa,” Lydia laughed. “It’s okay, I’ve seen the way Auston looks at her in person, and now it’s your turn.”

Christina let out a laugh, appreciating the Lydia’s bluntness. 

“Honestly, I have been so excited,” Christina pulled each girl into the foyer of her mansion. “I have never seen him like this over a girl. He’s been talking to Patrick about you ever since you turned him down. Good for you, by the way.”

“What do you mean?” Tessa asked, following her towards what she assumed was the backyard where she could hear splashing, laughter, and music. 

“Auston is used to getting what he wants with girls. I’m not saying he abuses that ‘power’ for lack of a better word, but just that if he’s interested in a girl, there’s a 99.9% chance that she’ll be interested back, sometimes just based on his name alone. So for you to come in, know who he is, and still just say no because you felt like it - that’s almost unheard of around here.”

“I wasn’t doing it to make a point,” Tessa felt uncomfortable under this stunning woman’s gaze. “I honestly just didn’t feel like saying yes. I didn’t even know anything about him at the time, other than what he does for a career.”

“Oh, that’s not what I meant at all,” Christina offered each girl a red cup for their drinks of choice. “I just meant that it was nice to hear that there are still some young girls out there who don’t just fall at the feet of a star athlete just because. Let’s join the rest of the group, shall we?” 

Christina lead them through another set of large double doors, leading to the backyard where children were swimming and playing in the pool, and many players and their significant others were all scattered around talking and drinking. It definitely wasn’t a rager, but Tessa still felt uncomfortable. This felt intimate. She almost wished this was a kegger with a bunch of random people. 

Mitch spotted the girls before anyone else, immediately standing up from his seat and pulling yet another beautiful blonde their way. 

“Ladies!” he made his way towards them and pulled each into a big bear hug. “It’s so cool that you could finally make it to an event.”

Tessa chose to ignore the ‘finally’ comment while Lydia snorted loudly. 

“It’s so nice to finally meet you both after hearing so much about you. I’m Steph,” the blonde also pulled the two girls into warm hugs. 

After chatting with Mitch and Steph for a little while, Tessa couldn’t help but wonder where Auston was. He had said to arrive for 2pm, and it was now 2:30. She did a quick scan of the space, not catching sight of him. 

“Looking for me?” Auston appeared behind her, making her nearly jump out of her skin. Tessa couldn’t help but take in his appearance, trying to convince herself that her racing heart was just from the scare, and not from being in his presence. She hated how good he looked, and when he smirked at her, she hated even more that he knew how good he looked.

“No, I was looking for a quick exit, just in case,” Tessa turned away from him and back to the group, trying not to be obvious in her momentary attraction to him.

“Just in case what?”

“Oh, you never know. You should always be prepared.”

“Uh huh, I see,” he nodded, playing along. “Hey Lydia. Have you girls met everyone yet?”

“We’ve met Christina and Steph so far,” Tessa nodded towards Mitch and Steph. 

“Well, let me introduce you to the rest of the tribe,” he put a hand on the small of her back and guided her away from their small group. Tessa instinctively reached for Lydia’s hand to drag her along as well. 

After meeting most, if not all, of the team and their significant others, Tessa was offered a seat between Auston and Freddie in a small group of them, Lydia, Will, Kasperi, Mitch, Morgan, and Steph. 

Tessa immediately felt everyone’s eyes on her, as if they were all ready to pounce. She shifted uncomfortably in her lawn chair, knowing what was to come. 

“So, Tess,” Kasperi started, winking at her, “I feel like we don’t know anything about you other than that you’ve been occupying all of our boy’s free time lately.”

“I’m sorry?” 

“He means that every time we want to play video games with Matts, he either can’t because he’s on the phone with you or he quits halfway through because you’ve finally started replying to all of the messages he sent you throughout the day,” Will offered. 

“That can’t be true,” Tessa shook her head in disbelief, eyeing a sheepish Auston. He never said anything about video games when they talked. 

“Oh, it’s definitely true,” came Freddie’s soft voice to her left. Tessa turned to him and caught his little smile. A gentle giant with a mischievous glint behind his eye. No wonder he and Auston got along so well.

“Anyway,” Steph piped in to save her, “I think what Kappy was trying to say was that we all would like to know more about you. Auston said you were getting your Masters. What’s the plan after that?”

Tessa smiled gratefully at Steph. Even though she hated being the centre of attention and didn’t feel like talking about herself, at least school was an easy topic. 

“I’m not 100% certain yet. Lydia and I still have the rest of this year, and then we’re both considering getting our doctorates. I could move up at Launchpad, but I don’t know if I see myself there beyond the next couple of years. My focus is on child development, and if I do my doctorate, I’m interested in a fellowship at SickKids.”

“Wow, that’s really impressive,” Steph replied genuinely. “What about you, Lydia?”

“Like Tess said, we’re both considering doing our doctorates. My focus is primarily on behavioural development though, so right now I’m leaning towards becoming a Behavioural Therapist. It will depend on how the rest of this year goes,” Lydia explained. 

“No wonder you turned down Matts, Tessa,” Willy laughed. “You two are way too smart for your own good. That’s really awesome.”

As the afternoon went on, the group asked Tessa and Lydia more questions about themselves, and Tessa and Lydia started to ask some back. Auston loved watching Tessa get comfortable with his friends. These people were his family for most of the year, and he wanted to make sure they liked her, though he had no doubts that they would. He was more doubtful that Tessa would still like him after his well-intentioned but annoying friends shared any and every funny story they could think to embarrass him with. Fortunately, she seemed to take it all in stride and even joined in on picking on him once in a while. He loved it. 

By the time the sun was setting, the group started to dwindle and those remaining helped clean up the backyard and the kitchen so their generous hosts weren’t left with a huge mess. 

As Tessa was walking into the kitchen to bring in some more dishes, she heard two voices and stopped in her tracks. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but when she heard her name, she needed to hear what was being said. 

“So you like her?” she recognized Auston’s voice asking the other person.

“I really do, man, she seems great,” Tessa now recognized that voice to be Patrick’s. Over the past few phone calls, Tessa learned how important Patrick has been to Auston and the other young guys on the team. She knew he relied on Patrick for advice on being a professional athlete, but apparently that extended to his personal life as well. 

“But?” When no response came, Auston pushed. “Come on, Patty. I really like this girl.”

Patrick sighed. Tessa braced herself. 

“I can see that you like her, bud. She just seems a little hesitant and withdrawn. She opened up quite a bit today as the day went on, and I could see that she was having fun. But she seems a little hesitant.”

“Yeah, she is. Apparently, she’s heard about my ‘reputation’ or whatever and it freaked her out. I’ve been fighting for a chance just to get to know her, let alone date her.”

“Ah, that makes sense. So she thinks you’re just going to mess around and that’s what you want with her?”

“I hope that’s not what she still thinks, but yeah, I think that’s the main reason she’s been keeping herself at a distance. She thinks I’m going to hurt her.”

“Well coming here today must have been a huge step for her then,” Patrick offered. 

“It really was! I had to go through her best friend to get her here, but I was so happy when she agreed. I think she might be willing to really give me a chance. I really like this girl, Patty. She’s all I can think about.”

Tessa sighed, not wanting to hear any more. She could hear the hope in Auston’s voice and while it was endearing, it also felt like a lot of pressure. She jingled plates in her hand purposefully, so they would know someone was entering the room. When she turned the corner, the two men looked up at her in surprise. Patrick fixed his face immediately, turning it into an easy smile, while Auston looked like a kid caught with his hand in a cookie jar. 

“Here, let me take those from you,” Patrick reached forward to take the dishes from Tessa’s hands. “Thanks for coming, Tessa. You and Lydia are welcome here any time.”

“Thank you so much for having us! You have a beautiful home and your family is so kind,” Tessa smiled sincerely, accepting a hug from the much taller man. She understood from the second Christina opened up the doors why Auston considered these people his family. They were amazing.

“Are you heading out?” Auston asked. 

“Yeah, Lydia just went out to get her car.”

“I’ll walk you out.”

“Okay, thanks again, Patrick,” she turned to wave one last time.

“Any time, Tessa.”

Auston and Tessa walked in charged silence to the front doors. Auston couldn’t help but wonder if Tessa had overheard them talking; Tessa couldn’t help but feel like she should tell Auston that she listened in. 

Neither said anything until they were out the doors, standing on the front step. 

“I’m so happy you came out today, Tess,” Auston spoke softly. “It was really good to see you again.”

“It was good to see you, too,” she spoke just as softly, not sure what was going to happen next, let alone what she actually wanted to happen. She hated that she kept thinking about what his lips and hands felt like. She hated how much she loved what he said to Patrick, and how sincere he sounded. And most of all, she hated how much she was starting to like him.

“So, do you think I could see you again? Maybe this week some time?” Auston’s hopeful voice broke her out of her reverie. 

“I have to submit my lit review by Friday and I’m working most of the week, so I’m not sure.”

“Well, you have to eat dinner regardless, right? I could swing by and pick you up and take you somewhere, or I could even just swing by with take-out for us?”

“You’re not great at taking no for an answer, are you?” 

“I didn’t hear a no anywhere in your statement,” Auston winked. 

“Touche,” she laughed. 

“Tess, I’m not trying to pressure you, and if I thought you weren’t even remotely interested, I would back off,” Auston hesitantly reached for her hand, pleased when she didn’t pull away, and linked her fingers through his. “But we talk every day either through text or calling, and you came today and hung out with everyone even though it was more of a family setting. And I know you have no problem saying no if you want to say no, so that’s gotta be a good sign. I mean, am I reading everything wrong right now?” 

Tessa hesitated, looking down at their linked hands. The calmness that washed over her at his touch terrified her, but she didn’t know how to express that. 

“No, you’re not reading everything wrong,” she finally answered, still looking down. 

Auston squeezed her hand gently and reached out with the other hand to raise her chin to connect their eyes. 

“We can go as slow as you want, Tess,” he whispered, moving closer to her. “We can start with dinner or just an ice cream date or something simple. I really don’t care what we do or where we go. I just want to spend time with you. You’re all I’ve been thinking about besides hockey ever since I met you. I don’t get it, but I’m not gonna fight it.”

Tessa let out a shaky breath. Auston squeezed her hand twice. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Auston repeated, unsure if he heard her correctly or if his ears were playing tricks on him.

“Mhm. Okay.”

Tessa couldn’t help but laugh as Auston’s eyes lit up and he pulled her into a tight hug. He dropped a light kiss on the top of her head, unable to hide his excitement. He pulled away from her, keeping their hands linked.

“Okay! So what day works for you? I have games Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, and I know you mostly work days-” he paused at her sideways glance. “Do you really want to know how I know that?” Tessa just shook her head, thinking better of it. “Didn’t think so. Anyway, I know you work mostly days so that leaves Tuesday, Thursday, or Friday evening. You pick.”

“What works best for you?”

“If I pick, I’m picking Tuesday so I can see you as soon as possible. But if you have your paper due on Friday, we could do Friday instead so all of that is off your mind.”

Tessa loved and hated how accommodating he was being. She never would have pegged Auston Matthews as the thoughtful type. Her developing endearment was the only excuse she had for the answer she ended up giving.

“Well, why not both?” she offered. The look of pure glee that crossed Auston’s face was enough to let her know that she made the right decision. 

“That fucking made my entire day,” Auston reached down to pull her into another hug, lifting her slightly off of the ground and swaying gently. “How about Tuesday we do something simple like ice cream after work, and then Friday I can plan a real date for us? Gives me some time to plan!”

“Oh god, don’t go to too much trouble. I don’t need or want anything fancy,” she cringed. She definitely wasn’t the fancy type, and while she knew that money wasn’t an issue for him, she didn’t want him going out of his way. 

“Noted. I’ll see what other information I can get out of you this week to plan your perfect date,” he winked, leading her over to the passenger side of Lydia’s car. 

“Good luck with that. I’d like to see what you come up with! See you Tuesday.”

“See you Tuesday, Tess,” Auston closed the door behind her as she climbed in next to a patiently waiting Lydia, who had clearly heard the whole conversation. 

Instead of pulling out of the driveway right away, Lydia rolled down her window and stuck out her head. 

“Hey, Auston,” Lydia shouted, watching as he stopped in his tracks and turned out curiously. “I’ll take my thank you in the form of two tickets to a home game,” she winked. 

Auston barked out a laugh. He really did have Lydia to thank for a lot of things, most recently for getting Tessa to come today. Tickets were the least he could do. Hell, he was so pumped that he’d be willing to get her season tickets if she really wanted them. 

“You got’em!” he laughed as she honked the horn and pulled out of the driveway. He raised his hand to give a little wave, his heart tugging when he saw Tessa’s shy smile back. 

[thelowlysatsuma]

Ramble in whatever form you choose. I won’t be able to be active all the time so if you want to be able to do it whenever you want I’d say text posts but I’ll also try to occasionally ask you about them so there’s some variety

!!! okay! well i think i’ll choose a couple from the list that i haven’t made many posts about before (aka no ts or go) and ramble on here!

oof under the cut bc idk how long this will get

steven universe

oh hon don’t even get me STARTED on su like that shit? that shit is so good? okay first of all i love the cast so much? gosh they’re just all so sweet and cool and sometimes they collab w/ thomas sanders and i love rebecca sugar and im gonna cry they’re so sweet im so soft

okay SECONDLY the show itself oof

okay okay im just? god im so soft?? like the music is so good, i can (and do) watch it w/ my parents, GOD do i wanna cosplay pearl’s new outfit (and rainbow 2.0, if i can pull it off), im in love with the concept and all the fusions and the story and the worldbuilding and god, this made me realize my utter love and adoration of COLOURS like they’re so PRETTY im in LOVE oh my gOD and just

god it has such a good message and such a good plot and such good characters i wanna be steven’s friend i wanna be all of their friends oh man i just can’t wait until my baby cousins are old enough for me to show this to them because i’m going to enjoy that experience so much

ducktales

oh jfc where the fuck do i even start with ducktales okay david tennant as scrooge mcduck makes my fucking life literally he’sthe best goddamn charaacter in the show – well, best besides the triplets (my BOYS), webby (!!! my KID), f e n t o n (god i love that nerd), mark beaks (what an asshole), mrs beakley (i wanna be her when i grow up), launchpad (!!! he!!), and so many others??? this is like serious every character in the show erasure but hot damn duck tales says gay rights and it does so in style (oh yeah also i love lena della donald oh webby’s new friend whose name i forget uhhh herules oh the inventor guy fenton’s boss that dipshit love him uhhh gandra dee who’s voiced by jameela jamil if im not mistaken??????) and yeah it’s a hilarious show but it’s also just a really good one for me to watch whenever i start to like. feel empty inside?? but then like i’ll put on ducktales and i’ll feel better

gravity falls

this show. this show RUINED ME. i started watching it like four years late (aka last year lmao) but GOD, im so in love with it. def another one i wanna show my cousins.

like?? just??? the ciphers and mysteries appeal so much to me and my love of mystery and crime novels, the characters are all amazing, alex hirsch himself is just such a g?? and like. it’s so good. it hurts me so much but then it’s all okay in the end and it’s just. it’s so good.

yeah i sobbed my eyes out when i watched that series finale.

camp camp, which somehow i forgot on my other list

god, is this show hilarious. like, fuck is it funny. it’s so good. it’s so fucking good. i was a little shocked when i saw the first episode but i’m so into it now, and i’m so attatched to all the characters bc they’re just dumbasses trying their best (or worst, in a few cases) and i love them for it. that’s peak fool energy right there and it speaks to me

orphan black

okay okay okay veering now into a much darker type of television, orphan black is??? phenominal???

okay so my best friend @fuck-me-gently-with-a-slurpee got me into it when i was like 14 or 15 i think and i honestly cannot thank her enough because this show is incredible. the plot’s super engaging, i literally cannot say anything about it without giving away spoilers, and the main character has quite possibly the best actor i’ve ever seen playing her

like. you think thomas sanders is good? he ain’t got SHIT on tatianna maslany

mythbusters

you guys. you guys. mythbusters was my childhood. like seriously, i watched that show religiously.

it’s what first got me into science, and it’s what kept me interested in explosions. it’s light and funny and ridiculous and scientifically accurate in the dumbest ways possible. i swear to god the main cast nearly dies once an episode

these guys are my idols. like, i seriously cannot overstate how much i love the mythbusters. adam and jamie, tori, kari, and grant.

when i was a kid, i wanted to be a mythbuster when i grew up, and god damnit, i still do. they mean that much to me

bill nye

fun fact! i actually had no fuckin clue who bill nye was until seventh grade, when i had to watch an episode of his show for homework because i missed a day of class. it was the episode on static electricity, and i remember sitting at my dining room table in the dim winter afternoon light, squinting at my computer, and thinking “what the FUCK am i WATCHING?”

needless to say, i’ve seen more since then, but that initial what the fuckery is still present and i love it.

not only is bill nye the science guy a flippin fantstic show, but bill nye himself? the coolest guy alive. god, i love him. what a g.

various comedians including but not limited to john mulaney,john oliver, and hasan minhaj

okay, as a gay, i am legally required to love john mulaney, but seriously that guy is so. fuckin. funny that i can’t help myself. his timing is priceless, the way he moves onstage is hysterical, just. god i love his stuff.

literally his comedic timing and style is half the reason people find me funny. i just phrase my sentences the way he would because, you know, i’m good at stealing things, and people laugh, and i go “hey. that actually worked”. and then i keep doing it

next, john oliver. okay, so while i don’t watch his show religiously, i do watch it when my parents do every now and again, and fuck is his stuff funny. like. just. shit.

finally, hasan minhaj’s patriot act is just. one of my favourite current events comedy shows out there. it’s in a similar vein to john oliver’s stuff, just more international, and shit, is he good at what he does. i lvoe it.

hoodwinked the movie (i am dead serious)

okay, while i haven’t seen it in over four years, this is still my favourite movie of all time. it also has one of my favourite villain songs of all times, and some of the best character exchanges just. ever. especially with wolf and twitchy

...god, i love twitchy. also the goat. i’m probably gonna be the goat when i grow up, let’s be honest

one day at a time

i just.

there’s so much to say about odaat. like. it’s so funny. it makes me nearly cry every episode (and makes my mother actually cry every episode). the characters, god, the characters

like. alex is such a cute dumb kid (who’s smarter than he looks), penelope is so salty constantly and i love her but she’s genuinely so cool and such a good mom and i cry??? elena is so amazing like god she’s such a fuckin nerd but she’s also so salty (takes after her mom) and is literally the best????

and then there’s abuelita, whom i adore. like, god, rita moreno is SO cool and SUCH a great actress and has SUCH an amazing sense of comedic timing and GOD, i LOVE HER

can’t forget about syd and doc berkowitz, which like. okay first off the good doc. just. god i love the doc. he’s so sweet and such a genuinely good dude and he’s a bit of a coward at heart but that’s okay because he genuinely cares and does his best and god he’s just such an amazing character im !!!!! and then syd is such a dork and i love them and elena and god, it made me so happy to see not only an actual enby character on a big sitcom, but also just?? like??? it’s not forced but it’s still there??? like there’s one episode where one of the plots is just syd and elena trying to figure out what elena should call them, since neither of them are comfy using “girlfriend” for syd since they’re not a girl, and they finally agree on “significant other” and schneider imMEDIATELY says “dont you mean, SYDnificant other?” and then they use that for the REST OF THE SHOW IT”S SO CUTE OKAY

and finally, schneider. he might be my favourite character in the entire show (which is a damn hard list to pick from!!!), but he’s just. he’s so sweet, he and penelope have one of the absolute best male/female friendships i’ve ever seen (which! never! turns! romantic! ever!!!), he’s actually got surprising depths but he’s also like such a nice goofball that when they get revealed, it hurts, and he’s just this canadian dumbass (heyyyyy repreSENT) with the worst goddamn canadian accent sometimes and he’s a hipster and The Dumb Friend and the weird uncle all rolled into one and GOD, i love him so much

the good place and brooklyn 99

okay, i love these two both so, so much, but i’m lumping them together because a) they’re both mike schur shows with a similar sense of humour, that say gay rights, and with characters who’d definitely love each other if they met and b) my hand is getting tired from all this typing but i still have so much  love to go around!!!!

okay so so SO! they’re both so good. they’re so fucking funny and amazing and i was immediately hooked on both of their pilots. their characters are all so genuine and flawed and fucking hysterical to watch, and the ships and friendships are all so amazing and pure and good and soft and they have their problems and they WORK THEM OUT HEALTHILY AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY OKAY!!!

god, i literally cannot overstate how much i adore these two shows. mike schur, you’re a wonderful, wonderful dude. thank you so much

many musicals (top faves include BOM, hamilton, legally blonde, chicago, matilda, and more!)

i’m putting the musicals together because while i do adore each and every one of them individually, i also just have great big deep-seated love of the art of musical theatre itself in general, ya feel?

like, as someone who’s been both performing and viewing them from a very young age, the sheer sense of utter joy they bring is almost unparalleled

not to be That Bitch who quotes musicals, but “and that hop in our hearts as the overture starts lets us know how lucky we are” might be the closest i’ve ever gotten to finding words to fit the feeling when the lights go down and the show begins. it’s simply phenomenal

the others series by anne bishop

okay, OKAY, if you haven’t read this series (first book called written in red – they have terrible titles but god, they’re worth it), then what are you doing with your life? like, not only is there the perfect logicality au to them (just sayin’), but god, it’s such an incredible series

the worldbbuilding is so cool and the characters are all great and god the ships are the damn hill i die on it’s got literally such a good “sort of enemies mostly just dislike each other to reluctant acquaintances to friends to lovers” ship and it deals with some serious issues rlly well and it’s got baby puppies!!!

like, they’re wolf puppies, but still, they are b a b e y

and finally (for now, at least), the mysterious benedict society, by trenton lee stewart

this book series was my childhood. i mean, there are so many other books i could be talking about right now that i utterly adore (the artemis fowl series springs to mind), but gosh, MBS just brings me such absolute joy to read that i just had to have it on here.

i’m not thinking straight at this point in the evening, but i just wanna say that i will never, not ever forget about reynie. about kate. about sticky. about constance. about rhonda and number two and milligan and miss perumal and my absolute son sq pedalian and, of course, i will never, never forget about mr benedict

it’s bright, and it’s bittersweet, and it’s beautiful.

and it’s good. simply, utterly, wonderfully good.

thank you for the ask, anon.

thank you.

[guidanceofficer-fr]

Astral Discoveries

Prompt: Space-themed lore!

I decided to actually focus on the stars for once.

Summary: A troubled flight controller of the Baikonur Spaceflight Agency contemplates the importance of his role. A stranger from the Starfall Aisles helps him deal with grief after two cosmonauts died on his control team’s watch.

Warnings: Extensive discussions of death, guilt & spaceflight disaster. Also, very long. I’m sorry, mobile users. (It’ll read-more on reblogs, I swear!)

@fr-community

Clear skies were a rare treat in the Shifting Expanse. They came only once a month, or every two months, if at all for a whole season. The breaks in stormy weather were traditionally a time for Lightning dragons to cram in as much outdoor labor as possible, while they weren't under the constant taunting of the stormy sky. Though there were no electrons hopping busily from atom to atom in the few clouds above, the dragons who harnessed them were busy far below making their own sparks of creative magic happen. Even dragons working desk jobs like Pathfinder felt the rush of the sunny swells; as projects were completed quicker down at the Launch Base, the demand on the workers in Mission Operations grew too.

But Pathfinder had no urge to rush now, under a clear starry sky. He'd been rushing for the past seven months to keep up with a tight schedule from the Spire. The whole agency had. It was an old story: the Stormcatcher needed things done /now,/ so people cut corners to get the work done. He'd notice, after all, if you faked a few figures. So the work had to be done honestly, and fast. But quality takes time, time the Baikonur Spaceflight Agency hadn't had. They all rushed like workers under sunny skies to complete the newest crewed spacecraft and the systems that would support it. Hasted decisions were made; "it'll have to do" became the unofficial motto in all the Agency's divisions, adopted by dragons who didn't have time to relax, to think deeply and thoroughly about the problems they'd been given, and solve them in the best manner. Everyone knew if they'd pulled off the mission, it would be a miracle.

But miracles don't exist in Lightning. The sky strikes wherever the land beneath it is vulnerable. If you leave yourself exposed, you're struck. Miracles don't save you. Preperation does.

That day at work had been the hardest day of Pathfinder's entire career. There are no words to describe the feeling in your bones as you watch a rocket explode eighty seconds into its launch. Dragonkind, for all its ingenious, couldn't invent a language capable of describing the inescapable sickness of watching a vessel of hope--a physical testament to the dreams and work of an entire world of dragons--turn into an atom bomb, shaking the windows of the blockhouse with a terrifying force, obliterating the poor crew within. There was nothing in Pathfinder's lexicon that could describe the horrifying beauty of cracking a firework in the dawn on the high desert, the blinding light which cleansed Sonrieth briefly of the unforgivable sin of incompetent engineering, an angel of probability, judge of Murphy's law, carrying out its awesome duty to smite down any vehicle vulnerable to its own flaws. It paralyzed him, even now, to remember that day.

And yet, in the moment, Pathfinder had been anything but paralyzed. The holy fire had cleansed him of any emotion, and all that was left was cold, dead precision. It became an obsession, checking over the logs for any funnies in his own console, then moving to help his more paralyzed team members process the information while it was still fresh in their minds. He'd been given congratulations (or, more accurately, been acknowledged) for how his actions helped out his team. In the moment, he'd performed the best he could have.

Doing his best work wasn't a comforting feeling anymore. Doing his best work hadn't saved two starry-eyed cosmonauts. No. The agency had been unprepared. And he was a part of that agency, meaning part of that guilt lay on him. He wished he'd had some of the experiences of the military types in the control center, who had trained with the Air Force before being transferred to Baikonur. At least they had some experience with mortality. Comparatively, Pathfinder had lived a sheltered life, teaching at computer museums and studying software engineering.

Then again, he shared a space with people who'd worked with test pilots, not all of whom came back. They hadn't seemed any less shocked than he was. But what did he know? Social cues were the last thing he was looking for when he was stressed.

"They're beautiful, aren't they?"

It took Pathfinder a moment to realize someone had spoken to him. When he did, it startled him, and he froze and turned an ear to the speaker.

"The- The stars, I mean. You guys must not get to see them much from out here."

Pathfinder nodded. He wanted to speak, but a pain in his throat told him when his voice came out it would be unstable.

The dragon behind him was silent for an awkward portion of time. Pathfinder wondered if he was waiting for a response. He didn't quite understand what he was supposed to say, though, other than a note of affirmation... It wasn't worth revealing how shaky his voice was feeling just to add a "yes." Still, though, the stranger stayed silent, so he closed his eyes and beckoned his courage to speak. Just when he was about to, though, he heard the other dragon's voice again:

"If it's alright, I'd like to sit with you."

Pathfinder gulped to keep his emotions from getting the better of him. "Yes. That's alright."

He heard motion behind him, and a fairly large Imperial lay on all fours next to him. Without waiting for another word from Pathfinder, he spoke again. This time, he was softer, about as soft as an Imperial could hope to be. "They called us all out from the other launchpad in the Aisles. My flight came in a few hours ago. I don't- I don't know what to say."

Pathfinder's voice was barely a whisper. "Me neither."

He was tempted to introduce himself, but he stayed quiet. An introduction to another Agency member would mean reciting his title as Guidance Operations Officer and Software Engineer for Baikonur Mission Operations, and MO wasn't something he wanted to think about right now.

"Thiore sure is bright tonight."

Pathfinder nodded, though he wasn't sure how the other dragon knew the fifth planet from the sun apart from the other stars in the sky. "Hmm."

As if reading his mind, he shifted his weight to point. "She's the bright one up there," he said. "The one just to the- to the left of that lightning tower to the northeast."

"Interesting. I thought planets didn't twinkle."

He couldn't see his companion, but he practically feel the expression change. "Twinkling has nothing to with whether it's a star or a planet. See- see, it has to do with- with the atmosphere. The atmosphere distorts the light from the star, or the object, so planets appear to twinkle too."

"Well, I stand corrected."

"Don't- don't feel bad about it. I've heard that same question from plenty of other smart dragons."

He smiled, and Pathfinder could hear it. He considered that a fair response, and didn't feel a need to add anything else to the conversation.

The pair lay under the stars for hours. It was hard for Pathfinder to fully relax; he was used to being on top of everything, or trying his hardest to be on top of everything, needing to know exactly where the spacecraft was and everything that could be pushing it off course. It was why he worked with a team to start with. No one person could handle that task without other dragons there to process data and hand it to him to use, and they needed his information as much as he did. So everything was a conversation, every little funny, every speck of error... and every number in the trajectory of a broken spacecraft that led the Range Safety Officer to explode the remains of a decapitated rocket before it hurtled down towards the town miles downrange.

"I- This is- This is an odd question... I'm not sure how to phrase it..."

Another awkward silence passed. He figured he couldn't complain, considering he could barely talk at the moment himself.

"Do you think they're up there?"

He turned his head. "Who?"

"The cosmonauts."

It hit Pathfinder like a brick to hear those two words. He felt a painful lump in his throat that he didn’t know was there. He shut his eyes quickly, trying to keep hot tears from rolling down his face. He wasn’t about to sob in front of a colleague. It had never happened, and it wasn’t going to happen today.

“I can’t think of anywhere else for them to be, can you?”

He heard a sigh next to him, as if it took physical labor to bring words to his comrade’s lips.

“No. I- I can’t.”

The wetness of tears on his eyes felt cold in the desert evening.

“And you know what?”

Pathfinder didn’t turn his head, fearing his tears were more visible than he wanted them to be. “Hmm?”

“I think- I think-” He sighed. “I think they’d want us to keep trying.”

He felt a grin form on his lips. He blinked, trying to keep tears in, but he felt one on his cheek.

“I think that’s a good guess.”

“No… You see… They didn’t die because they wanted to give up. They died because they were as determined as we were to get up there and touch the stars.”

“And we rushed them,” Pathfinder almost spat out. “We were too caught up in the stars, we didn’t focus on what we could have done down here-”

“We did what we could, and-”

“But we didn’t!”

Pathfinder’s breath was heavy. He was whispering, but with such force his words were practically a hiss. “We didn’t do what we could! We did shoddy work, and now two innocent cosmonauts are dead! While you guys were out-” He gasped- “While you guys were out at Tereshkova launching tracking satellites, we worked our asses off to keep up with deadlines that we knew we couldn’t meet! We knew we weren’t ready, and now two dragons-”

He stopped himself. He’d never thrown a tantrum at work before. But he’d never had blood on his hands, either. He didn’t know how to wash it off.

The air was silent. A satellite passed by somewhere up above. Pathfinder focused his vision on it. He wondered if he could judge the height of the object by how fast it was orbiting. But he’d already missed when it crossed over the horizon; there was no use counting how long it took to cross over the other. Ah, well. He kept his eyes fixed on it. It was like a miracle, he realized, all the work it took to put that thing up there, that it even bothered to stay.

Was that what he was supposed to be? A miracle worker?

“... I think you’re right to be angry, and I think they’d think so too.”

He sighed. “You think?”

“Well, I- I can tell that you have a lot of passion for what you do, even if you don’t want to talk about it. And I don’t know you, but out in the Aisles, well, we don’t ignore things like that. We channel our passion. That’s why Arcane dragons can be so intent on being dreamers. They use those dreams.”

“So what, am I supposed to dream of cosmonauts not being dead?”

“No, I- Listen. Passion doesn’t have to be a dream. It just has to energize you. It has to be enough to wake you up in the evening, or the morning, if you wake up then. It has to be the driving force behind what you do. You need to let it invigorate you, let it ignite the breath inside of you.

“What I’m saying is, I think it’s good that you’re so angry and regretful. In Arcane, we don’t throw that away. We use that anger to remind us to do better.”

Pathfinder nodded. “So I have to feel it fully, so I remember that I never want to feel it again.”

His companion was silent.

“Well… Something like that.”

Pathfinder lay in contemplation for a few moments. It was late, and perhaps it was getting to him; while he thought he’d been contemplated, he’d been thinking of nothing at all. He watched the stars pass above, and realized he’d been watching a constellation get closer and closer to the horizon for the past… god, what time was it? He’d better get back to his dorm; the last thing he needed was to be sleepless during the next weeks’ briefings. He was barely prepared as is. Sleeplessness wouldn’t help.

He stood up and brushed off his feathers. But before he left, he turned to the stranger.

“Thank you for talking with me.”

The Imperial’s eyes were still fixed upwards, searching the skies for lost wanderers of the cosmos.

“It was no trouble at all.”

As he headed back to his dorm, Pathfinder felt a strange sense of ease about him. He wasn’t at ease at all; on the contrary, he was still turning the events of the past few weeks over and over in his mind. But he knew he wasn’t wrong in doing so.

Starting tomorrow, he’d be sure he and his colleagues were exacting in their work. They would be slow and methodical, and refuse to proceed to the final steps of a launch until they were sure that their data was nominal. They would design and construct all the devices necessary for a launch with excessive care, leaving no room for dragonmade error in their work. They would leave as little up to the hands of fate as possible; Murphy was too harsh a judge to trust with cargo as precious as life. When the crew climbed the gantries and strapped themselves into their capsules, he wanted them to know their lives weren’t in the hands of fate, but in the claws of the dragons who’d welded its seams and sottered its avionics, and the few who watched over the craft’s telemetry with care at the launch site and back at Baikonur Mission Control.

He’d wronged those first cosmonauts, and he knew they’d want him to right things again, so no more would die as they had. It was Pathfinder’s duty to ensure that; the stars themselves had told him.

[rebellingstagnationblog]

“Twelve Days Of Christmas” by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters (Day 7 of 31)

I heard the song and this scene wrote itself.

Launchpad didn’t know why there were so many birds associated with Christmas, but here they were on day seven. With seven small porcelain swans and large red bows tied around their long necks.

Here he’d thought the six geese had been bad.

Peering at the swans on their mantle, Launchpad asked, “How many more birds should I be expecting?”

“None, thank goodness,” Gos said from the couch where she was hunkered down with her laptop. “All I’ve had so far is stupid birds. But the last half is so gonna make up for this avian wave.”

She was typing furiously, not even looking up at him as she spoke. Launchpad was always so impressed with how good Gos was with technology. Her fingers flew across keyboards with ease, always knowing exactly what button to push, or what feature to tap on her phone, and she had mastered sending him moving pictures in text messages. He was still adjusting to the latest update when all his apps had changed colors. Sure, he could text and type, but he was slow compared to Gos.

And he’d learned to not go to DW for any technological help. The mallard talked a big game and seemed to learn things more quickly than Launchpad, but DW was often as clueless on something as his sidekick.

“Hey, DW, how do you take a picture of your phone screen?”

DW turned to face him, a smug look on his face. Launchpad immediately regretted his question.

“You came to the right duck, LP,” DW said, traipsing over to his sidekick and taking out his phone. “It’s called a screenshot.” He unlocked his phone. “And you take one just like so.” The screen went dark.

“Oops!” DW said, glancing at the device. “Must’ve hit that power button too hard, there. Let’s try this again. If my phone will unlock. I swear, technology never works when you want it to. Read my feather-print you—”

“Okay, I’ll remind you to finger-paint tomorrow,” came a female voice from the phone itself. Launchpad took a step back as DW started having a conversation. With his phone.

Gos ended up showing him how to screenshot later.

“Y’sure are typin’ fast,” Launchpad said, looking over to Gos.

“Listen, tracking down ten of anything is a feat, not to mention when it’s ten lords who are supposed to be jumping.”

“I think they’re leaping,” Launchpad pointed out.

“Which the internet had less results for, so here we are at jumping.”

Launchpad walked over to the couch and sat beside Gos, peering at her computer screen. “Is that the guy from Shrek?”

Gos grinned. “Farquaad needs to be jumping, or have the ability to jump, and I’ll bring ten of him into this house.”

What had started as an innocent “this was so stupid I had to get it and show you” gift from DW had exploded into a Christmas competition between father and daughter. Using the Twelve Days of Christmas as their guide, they brought home the most ridiculously gaudy items, trying to out-gift the other from the day before. The unsuspecting felt partridge in the plastic pear tree DW had found at a thrift store sat on their dining table as the centerpiece. The poor thing had no idea the chaos had started. And all the birds that had come in its wake.

Two stuffed turtle doves on DW’s bed.

Three painted French hens framed and mounted in the hallway.

Four calling bird cutouts strung along the staircase banister.

Six plastic lawn ornament geese stuck in the backyard, all but one “laying” large golden wreaths.

And now the seven swans swimming on the mantle.

“You’re very calm about all of this,” Launchpad said. And it was true. If it wasn’t for her fingers prancing across the keyboard, she might’ve even look bored.

DW was on the opposite side of the spectrum, always coming and going in a flurry of snow, muttering about the underhandedness of consumerism and wondering how was he supposed to find these things in only one day, etc., etc..

Gos glanced at Launchpad with a smirk on her beak and mischief in her eyes. He’d seen that expression before and was suddenly grateful that she was competing against DW and not him.

“I have the even days,” she said.

“And there are twelve days….” Launchpad shook his head and chuckled.

“No matter what Dad does, I have the final day. And I have learned about the magic of online shopping.” Clicking her mouse a few more times, she shut her laptop. “Lords are ordered. I’m gonna prep my maids for tomorrow before that museum party thing tonight.”

Launchpad wondered if DW knew that he had the odd days.

The answer came after the nine dancing ladies when DW, buttoning up his coat to go shopping, paused and glanced up at Launchpad in horror. “She has the even days!”

Gos’s laughter echoed down the hall from the direction of her room.

[ashleydpalmerusa]

Everything You Wanted to Know About Internal Audit (But Were Afraid to Ask)

If you’d asked me for the definition of internal audit a few months ago, I would have guessed it was some sort of self-help cleansing ritual involving crystals and quinoa. You know, the type of exercise where afterward you annoy all your friends by telling them how mindful and present you are now. And they swear they’ll try it for themselves just to get you to go away.

But after some rigorous research, interrupted only by brief periods of attempting to determine the proper pronunciation of quinoa, I learned that internal audit is a profession that involves “evaluating and improving the effectiveness of risk management, control and governance processes within an organization.”

Um, ok. I still had questions.

So I reached out to a couple of leading experts on internal audit to learn more. And in doing so, I discovered that internal audit is a unique career path for financial professionals that can lead them to duties, fields, and even physical locations they never dreamed would be part of their jobs.

While there’s undoubtedly a few internal auditors out there reading this, there’s probably scores of accounting professionals curious about what internal auditing jobs are all about. Here’s my attempt to share my findings with you and shed some light on the mysteries of internal audit. And for future reference, it’s “keen-wah.”

Risky business

If you had to define internal audit with one word — and you don’t, unless you’re playing the world’s worst party game — it would be this: risk. Internal auditors identify the biggest risks within the company, assess their potential impact, and then help create a plan to mitigate or minimize them.

“We talk about internal audit being something that offers assurance and advice,” says Richard Chambers, President and CEO, The Institute of Internal Auditors. “We’re providing assurance almost exclusively within the organization about how well risks are managed and about how well controls are operating.”

In contrast with external audit, where assurances are primarily given to shareholders, investors, and regulators, internal audit is all about granting advice to the company itself. That means you’re part of the team — an essential and integral collaborator who works to ensure compliance and smooth operation across the entire enterprise.

Your duties, should you choose to accept them

So what would you actually be doing as an internal auditor? Functions vary by industry, but in general the process looks like this:

Develop a periodic (typically annual) audit plan prioritizing risks within the company;

Submit the plan to an audit committee and pray for approval;

Assess risks by communicating with employees and gathering data;

Analyze the data and prepare reports;

Make recommendations on how to mitigate risks and improve operations;

Recalibrate the plan as requirements and goals evolve.

Put your running shoes on, because unlike many traditional accounting tasks, item three on that list will require spending large chunks of time away from your desk.

“There’s not too many internal audit roles where you don’t have to go out into the field,” says Francine McKenna, reporter at MarketWatch, founder of the blog re: The Auditors, and former internal auditor at PwC. “You have to go out and talk to people who are actually doing the work you’re reviewing.”

While I’m admittedly not the most extroverted person (more on that later), I think this is a checkmark in the “Pro” column for internal audit. You get to go to places and talk to people. Being chained up inside all day didn’t work out too well in Saw, and I don’t think it’s particularly healthy in real life either. Science agrees.

Seeing way more than dollar signs

While internal audit often recruits from the financial industry, much of the work falls outside the realm of the filthy lucre. Many of your duties will involve cooperation with departments that don’t deal exclusively in dollars and cents, exposing you to more parts of the business and allowing you to grow your skillset beyond accounting.

“It’s a persistent myth that we are somehow an extension of a finance function or a CFO function, because quite honestly the vast majority of internal auditing doesn’t get into financial controls or financial management risk at all,” says Chambers.

According to Chambers, the diversity of responsibilities in internal audit make it an ideal launching point for a career in a wide array of disciplines within the business.

“Internal audit affords you an amazing view of an organization,” he says. “A lot of people come into internal audit and prosper there, but then they move on into the business where they can have a very successful career in another line of service.”

Internal audit can even help prepare you for a job in a completely different industry. McKenna, for example, parlayed the skills she learned in internal audit into a successful journalism career.

“You learn very specific, marketable skills in internal audit,” she says. “It gave me a sense of skepticism and an operational understanding of how companies work, both of which have helped me be a better investigator.”

Already feeling the internal audit itch? Does internal audit sound like the right path for you? If so, scroll down to the bottom of this article to see some open opportunities from homebuilder PulteGroup. In PulteGroup, you’ll find an employer that strongly believes in a culture of teamwork and outward mobility.

Extro-vertical reach

As you’ll be doing a lot of work in the field and interacting with many people across the business, internal audit requires a level of extroversion that some accountants might find intimidating. If you’re strictly an inside cat or are solely focused on the numbers side of the business, it might not be the right fit for you.

But that doesn’t mean natural introversion is an internal audit stopgap.

“I was told one time that I was a ‘learned extrovert,’” says McKenna. “I think a lot of people who have an accountant’s frame of mind are naturally introverts. But with practice, we can be ‘outside people’ when we need to be.”

While she found the social aspects of the job intimidating at first, McKenna developed techniques over time that helped her become a successful communicator and team player.

“[Having to be an extrovert] doesn’t irritate me as much as it used to,” she says. “When I have to do something like public speaking, I think about it as talking to one person at a time. I actually get some enjoyment out of it now.”

In any case, you’ll have to learn some extroversion skills if you want to move up into a leadership role in the company. Internal audit is as good a place to start as any.

We have the technology

As with most modern jobs, internal audit requires you to develop specific technological skills. And no, your ability to reach the kill screen on “Pac-Man” doesn’t count.

“A lot of internal audit departments operate on a technology platform, an audit management system that helps keep up with the end-to-end functions,” says Chambers. “That’s where you’ll document your audit work and keep your audit plan.”

Leveraging technology to turn information into insights may also be part of your role, as data analytics becomes an increasingly vital component of modern business strategy.

“With the amount of data that’s out there today, you can’t be an effective internal auditor unless you know how to use data mining and analytics tools,” says Chambers.

Specific technology platforms you might want to investigate include Tableau, ACL, and TeamMate. Specific technology platforms you might not want to investigate include the Nintendo Virtual Boy, as it is useless in both internal audit and life.

Ready to make the jump to internal audit? Homebuilder PulteGroup is currently looking to hire corporate auditors for its Atlanta office. If you’re searching for an intellectually challenging position that gets you out of the office and serves as a launchpad for a variety of careers, this might be the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. Click the link below to apply now. Check out careers at PulteGroup.

The post Everything You Wanted to Know About Internal Audit (But Were Afraid to Ask) appeared first on Going Concern.

from Accounting News http://goingconcern.com/internal-audit-jobs-sponcon/

[youngerdaniel]

Hour Zero

Reporting to you live from the land of insomnia and cat comrades. It is the eve of my big journey West. I have, improbably, managed to fit most of the essentials of my life into a suitcase, a duffel, and a backpack. It’s all set now. Tomorrow, I’ll fold up the last of my drying laundry and hug my mom for a long time. We’ll have some coffee, my sister will come over, and then I’m off.

So here we are, at the launchpad. I guess I should have something to say about that. Lately, there’s been a lot of stuff to say about lot of things, and not exactly enough time to fit it all in. Life moves very quickly at these kind of precipices. 

I can say I’m blessed with some top-notch folk here in Ottawa. Many of whom will be sorely missed. (Except for you, Dartanian.) I have a great night to see most of them off. 

There have been a metric fuck-ton of goodbyes, farewells, and see-you-soon’s. A lot of support to, and good golly that’s meant a lot these past few years. 

And on the note of years, this is the one to mark some changes in format—in my writing at large, and my content here. So welcome to the new style. You will notice that it’s now written with these incredibly new words, and is generally more upbeat and West-coasty. 

What I mean to say is, now this journal’s got a good deal more fodder than the throes of writing to sling atcha. I’m thinking it’s part travelogue, part school journal, part whatever the hell else I damn well please (including gratuitous grade seven swearing).

With that, I can only go snug some cats and try to get some kip. Next time I’m typing here I’ll be in Coquitlam. 

Also if anybody’s interested, I joined the deluge of Instagram. Find me there doing arty things and taking dope shots of mountains rocking dem dank nugs... 

Yeah. I’ll try to ease into the West Coast mindset.