#dont worry i caught the fucking typo in here

[eyepatchdate]

posting my preview for @souyoproject! I've been working hard on this piece the last few months, and am very excited to get this story out there!

I worked with two wonderful artists: Breck and @killjoy-prince! The pieces they created are both absolutely stunning!

[yunwangja]

down bad - tooru oikawa smau twoshot

now im down bad crying at the gym

everything comes out teenage petulance

fuck it if i can't have her

i might just die, it would make no difference

oikawa is your good friend since you were a freshman - but little did you know that he is actually head over heels for you.

tags: oikawa x fem!reader, high school friends to lovers, pining, jealous and desperate oikawa lol, and eventual fluff i thinKK

warnings/notes: swearing, idk if this counts as a smau but it's more written content than socmed elements! seijoh 4 (aside from oikawa obviously) are side characters. mb if they are a bit ooc and dont mind any typos/grammatical mistakes in case. idrk how else to describe this but its oikawa being an emotional wreck bc of y/n. i only made a twoshot to divide the length of the story :d it's not too serious don't be fooled by the cover i just did it for the *aesthetic*

partly inspired by down bad by taylor swift

part 1: everything comes out teenage petulance

immediately after the whistle blows during a match, oikawa tooru’s expression changes. in the court, he’s known to be fierce, confident, and a skilled volleyball player; but once he steps outside of it, he’s just a boy.

a boy constantly wanting to be noticed by the girl he likes - you. he craves for your attention, your smile, your laugh, and your touch. since your first day as a freshman when he was a junior, the chemistry of his brain was changed, and it was only filled with you.

what can he do? he just wants you.

despite his popularity and charming personality, oikawa becomes a bumbling mess around you. he effortlessly turns down other girls with a smile, having the ability to leaving them giggling and kicking their feet after rejecting them. but when it comes to the girl of his dreams, he can’t even muster the courage to make a move or ask you out.

he often marvels at the miracle of your friendship, wondering how he manages to talk with you at all. in your presence, he feels both immense pressure and profound relief—safe yet burdened by a heavy facade that conceals his true feelings.

despite reassurances from his childhood friend iwaizumi that he’ll be fine, oikawa remains tormented by the idea of confessing to you. his biggest fear is your rejection. he doesn’t just worry about typical "what ifs" - what if she doesn’t feel the same way back? or, what if she avoids me if i tell her? he dreads everything that could go wrong, because he just knows he’ll never be able to get up if you turned him down.

call him dramatic (and he is), but the thought of you not returning his feelings feels catastrophic. he loves you deeply and prioritizes your feelings no matter what, but grapples with a selfish desire: to love you and only you. the idea of you not wanting that devastates him.

nevertheless, oikawa cherishes every moment with you, never taking your presence and whatever you have today for granted. each smile he puts on your face is a reward for him.

“y/n, you're here~” he greets you with an exaggerated wave from the court as soon as he sees you in the bleachers, waiting for him.

being the good friend you are, and a supportive student of your school, you were always present whenever the boys’ volleyball team had a match.

it was like your unofficial club at this point, and your friends keep teasing you that you’re only there for the one and only captain of the team. they weren’t completely wrong, but you keep denying it and tell yourself you’re just there ‘as a friend’. 

you put on a big smile acknowledging his presence, “tooru!” you wave at him back excitedly, “do great today!”

he only chuckles in response, nodding and scratching the back of his head. “roger that!” he salutes, making you laugh.

you motioned for him to come closer, and he gladly did. from your pocket, you took something out and threw it down to him. "catch!"

of course, oikawa effortlessly caught it. opening his palm, he saw a friendship bracelet inscribed with his name and a heart. he couldn’t control his delight, wore it immediately, and looked up to you.

“with that, you’ll definitely win! no bets needed.” you smile at him. 

“thank you, y/n!” 

as he turns around to prepare for the match, there's a noticeable shift in his demeanor. “let's do this,” he declares, suddenly energized and ready, thanks to your support. with a stretch of his arms, he reassures himself that today will be a good day, as long as you're by his side, smiling at him.

“he’s so down bad for her,” matsukawa whispers to iwaizumi. 

during the intense match that followed, oikawa displayed remarkable skill and determination, leading their team to a hard-fought victory.

after the match ended and the celebrations quiet down, he finds himself in the locker room, still catching his breath from the adrenaline rush. his face glistens with sweat, testament to the effort he put in. as he wipes his forehead with a towel, he finally breaks the silence with iwaizumi, his voice reflecting a mix of relief and curiosity. “i didn’t see y/n when the match ended. where is she?”

"oh, she was there until we finished our post-match rituals with the opponents," hanamaki chimed in, overhearing. "then i saw a senior from another school talking to her and they left together."

oikawa’s eyes immediately shot up at the mention of another person with you, because of two reasons: one, this is unusual to happen after a match, and two, just why?

his teammates knew what this meant for him. quickly changing into a clean jersey and packing his things, oikawa turned to them. "can you put my bag on the bus? i’ll look for her." this was more of a command instead of a favor, not caring any less if they were willing to do so or not. 

he searched everywhere, navigating through volleyball players, fangirls, and schoolmates. his charismatic smile kept his fans engaged as he scanned the venue looking for you.

finally, near the staircase leading to the audience seats, he spotted a figure resembling you. hanamaki’s observation was spot on—there was indeed a man, tall and around his age, talking to you with a smile.

not wanting you to notice him, oikawa subtly moved for a better view. he froze as he saw you chuckling and tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. he couldn’t hear what you were talking about, but all that mattered was that a sweet smile was plastered on your face.

it pained him deeply. his face grew hot, and he hurriedly walked to the nearest water fountain to cool off. it’s fine, that’s nothing. there’s nothing to be upset about. it’s just them talking, that’s not a big deal. it’s not like they’re together or something. he was trying to distract himself, but it was to no avail.

deep down, he knew he was being selfish. he hates that he doesn’t have the right to feel this way. he hates that you’re not his. he feels stupid for feeling jealous over your non-existent relationship. he feels like shit, and it’s all just because you smiled, and it wasn’t because of him. 

he thanked his lucky stars for being alone at the water fountain, because his eyes just started watering while stepping on the fountain’s pedal.

this scene is actually familiar to him already. there were definitely occasional moments like this where someone would approach you and ask you out, and he would hear about it, isolate himself, then cry about it out of jealousy and frustration.

it was a recurring episode he despised. in moments like these, he’d be furious with himself. why didn’t i make a move any sooner? of course y/n has other admirers, she’s perfect. i wouldn’t be surprised if she got a boyfriend. but it’s not me. i hate it. and i hate myself more because i didn’t do anything. what if she gets a boyfriend? will she stop talking to me? will whatever we have end? but still, she wouldn’t be mine. that’s the worst of it all. 

he wiped his tears while drinking from the fountain, feeling pathetic. he hates crying like this, because he’s a grown man, but he also can’t help it because it’s you.

you are the only person who can override his emotions. you make him crazy, literally. you could make him laugh, cry, angry, happy, jealous, name all of them - all just with the thought of you. 

he drowned himself with his own thoughts, trying to stifle his sobs.

“tooru? are you crying?”

your voice startled him and turned to your direction. “y/n…”

he stared at you, tears still in his eyes as he straightened up. this is the first time you’ve seen him cry since you both met - it’s not like he was someone who was emotional per se, especially around you.

"is something wrong?" concerned, you moved closer, reaching out to comfort him. he surprised you by wrapping his arms around you, holding you tightly.

taken aback but returning the hug, you drew circles on his back as he sobbed quietly against your shoulder. you wondered why he could be feeling this way. it’s not like they lost the match, and he was surely smiling like a champ the whole day. 

there was a chance someone could’ve said or done something hurtful, but aside from those possibilities, there was nothing you could think of as to why he would feel this down, but whatever it was, you were ready to help him. 

you waited patiently for him to compose himself, trying to figure out what had upset him. "i’m sorry, i…" he turned to face you, still hugging you. "don’t worry, i’ll be fine." he wiped his tears.

"you came at the right time, so i’ll be fine," he said, smiling weakly despite his red eyes. resting his chin on your head, he closed his eyes. "just bear with me a bit."

he slowly covers your ears with both of his hands, confusing you, but you allowed him, thinking that this is the best way you can help.

all of a sudden, you feel a kiss on your forehead. that surprised you for sure, but you forgot to react to it when you saw him mutter something with a small smile, and you couldn’t understand due to his hands hindering your sense of hearing.

“what?” you try to ask as he removes his hands on your ears and wraps his arms around you again. “did you say something? i can’t lip read, you know.”

he only chuckles, slowly regaining his composure, “you don’t need to know.” 

figuring that you’ll let it pass, you let him hug you a while longer, knowing it comforted him. eventually, when he released you, his nose was still red and his eyes were slightly swollen.

"thank you for being here, y/n," he smiled, patting your head. "sorry for my sudden actions. i hope you didn’t mind."

you shook your head, not at all bothered. "it’s not like you did anything wrong," you reassured him. "i’m glad i could help."

you didn’t want to ask him about why he cried any further, nor how he ended up here, since if he wanted to talk about it, he would’ve said it already. at some point, oikawa prompted the both of you to get going, walking side by side. “by the way, i didn’t see you after we won. where did you go?”

he looks at you as you answer, “oh! a senior from another school told me he wanted to talk to me earlier - although i just realized i wasn’t able to know what school he was from, since his uniform didn’t give any hints.” 

you continue, “anyway, he started off by mentioning the match. i thought he wanted to be introduced to you, thinking he saw us before the match. but then he asked me out,” your eyebrows furrow.

your answer tugs at oikawa’s heart a bit. “so, you’re going out on a daaate?” he said teasingly, putting up a facade. what a liar i am, he thought to himself.

you immediately react and wave your hands in denial, “no, no! when i knew he was asking me out, i turned him down immediately. besides, i’m interested in someone else.” as you finished the last sentence, you tried to look away from his gaze.

his eyes lit up momentarily. trying to conceal his emotions, he looked away for a second and fixed his expression, “i see.”

“anyway, and then i went here since i got thirsty, then there you were.” you finished explaining.

oikawa felt a whirlwind of emotions following your explanation. relief washed over him knowing nothing happened with the other guy, but the mention of you being interested in someone else gnawed at his mind. who could it be? his heart raced with both hope and anxiety, the idea of you liking someone else creating a knot in his stomach.

determined to spend more time with you, he resolved to uncover the truth about who you were interested in. or not. he actually doesn’t know.

"are you heading home now?" he asked, and you shook your head. "no, i need to stop by school. i have some things to pick up from our club room."

your answer lit up an idea for oikawa. 

part 2

[starlit-hopes-and-dreams]

Chapter 26 ~ Real

Hidden Depths

Previous ~ Masterlist ~ Next

Also on ao3

Genre: Fantasy whump

CW’s: none *pouts* 

WC: 4000

Taglist: @dont-touch-my-soup, @kixngiggles

In which the comfort can commence lol

AN: There's some comfort in this chapter. Are you proud of me? Hmm?

Also, I added... around 900 words... today... so um. Forgive me if I missed any egregious typos 😅

Carr 

Carr didn’t make the mistake of leaving Resh’s side again the entire rest of the way to Hallin. Her ass felt as flat as a pancake, her legs stiff, and the sweaty stiff seams of the godsforsaken dress she’d yet to change out of itched like crazy, but she endured because she’d promised. 

And because every time he woke, the panic in his eyes faded as soon as he saw her. 

Real? he’d ask, and she’d smile and nod like her heart wasn’t fucking breaking every time. 

Adan–the Head Elder had told her to call him that–had promised they had a doctor in town, and thank gods, because Resh was so weak it was scary. He could barely walk, barely stay awake longer than an hour even without whatever concoction she’d been giving him to help with the pain. 

When they finally arrived, stopping before a large manor that was pretty much straight-up in the middle of the town, a short woman with loose brown curls greeted them, Orla peeking over her shoulder. Adan swept the woman up in a hug, kissing her thoroughly, so Carr had to conclude she was his partner, maybe even his wife. Orla’s eyes lit up when she saw Carr climbing out of the wagon, and she ran up to her, dodging people reuniting with loved ones left and right. 

“Carr!” Orla threw her arms around Carr’s shoulders. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” she mumbled into her shoulder. 

Carr rubbed Orla’s back, feeling slightly awkward, but she was growing used to the girl’s affections. 

Orla pulled away as abruptly as she’d initiated the hug. “Resh? Did you find him? Is he… is he–” 

“He’s alive,” Carr cut in before the girl could grow too distressed. “He’s injured, and needs the doctor Adan said was here"–she looked around pointedly, trying to find someone who looked like a doctor and failing–“but I think he’ll be okay with time.”

He better be okay with time, she thought, hoping she wasn’t lying to Resh’s sister. 

“Where–oh!” And with that, Orla clambered into the bed of the wagon, chattering happily to her brother, who luckily, was awake. For the moment. Hopefully, he stayed awake long enough to meet the doctor and see where he would be staying, or she’d be dealing with some issues the next time he woke. 

Since Orla seemed to be settling in for a bit, Carr felt comfortable enough walking away to find out the state of things. She had to skirt another wagon being unloaded, and as she did so, she noticed an area of stillness amid the chaos. 

Guards circled a group of people whose faces bore mixed expressions of stoicism, fear, and resigned acceptance. Their hands were restrained, and a few bore a variety of colorful bruises, but otherwise they seemed to be in one piece. 

Most were passingly familiar, but– Ah, there they were. Sandy hair partially obscured their profile, but Carr recognized Rowan, and a portion of the guilt she’d been carrying eased. 

At least until their head swiveled, their green eyes blazing when they caught sight of her. 

Carr stepped back, behind the passing body of one of the townspeople and out of sight. Her brow furrowed. It was good they hadn’t just exterminated the camp like the rodent infestation this town surely thought they were, but what did it mean that they’d brought them back? 

It was something she’d have to worry about later. If there was a later. Resh was her first priority. Her only priority, for fuck’s sake. 

Scowling, she spun and approached Adan, who was still kissing his… whatever she was. She tapped him on the shoulder, not giving two shits about polite things like waiting for them to finish. 

Adan broke off and, tucking his woman under his arm, turned to face her with a blush coloring his cheeks. “Ah, Carr, this is my wife, Salma.”

Carr nodded perfunctorily at her, then addressed the Head Elder with a raised eyebrow. “You mentioned a doctor?” 

“Yes, we have him on standby,” Salma piped up, her voice light, clear, and entirely too cheery. “Although, there was an accident on one of the outlying farms this morning, so it might be a little while before he gets back. I do hope it’s not too urgent? If it is, I can have the herbalist come take a look in the meantime–” 

Carr shook her head. “We can wait.” It was probably unfair to judge all herbalists by Mieste’s measure, but if they had an actual doctor, she’d rather hold out for them.  

“If you’re sure,” Salma said. At Carr’s nod, she rose on her tiptoes to peck her husband’s cheek, then pulled away to wave up to the manor. 

Several guards wearing yellow-trimmed green uniforms pulled away from the double doors, two carrying what looked like a stretcher between them. 

“Uhh, they just been standin’ there at the ready or somethin’?” she asked, a little nonplussed.

“Of course! We figured you’d be back either today or early tomorrow, if things weren’t too complicated.” 

Carr stared at her, watching as she directed the men to the wagon Resh was in without even asking where he was. 

“Of course, we’ll need to triage injuries among the others, but in the meantime, we can get your…” she trailed off, looking at Carr pointedly. 

“Uh, friend?” she responded after several awkward beats. When Salma raised an eyebrow, she added, “Very good friend.” To her horror, her cheeks heated. 

“Uh huh,” Salma responded skeptically, not that Carr could really blame her with the way she was acting. She needed to get a grip. “Well, I have a room ready for your very good friend, up in the guest suites, next to his sister. Will you be wanting to stay with him, or would you like your own chamber?” 

The guest suites? What the fuck? “Umm, I don’t think he should be left alone for a bit. But maybe later…” 

Salma smiled, and Carr was captivated by how the expression lit up her whole face. “Of course. I’ll make sure a cot is brought in for you. Now,”–she looped her arm through Carr’s and started towing her along–“let’s get you settled in.” 

Carr only went along with her because they were following directly behind Resh, and Orla seemed to be keeping him calm for now. She listened with half an ear as Salma chattered on, wondering how the pits they were getting fucking rooms in the fucking manor and not being shuffled off to some dingy infirmary. 

The room they arrived at was so nice that Carr thought there must be some mistake. She looked around wide-eyed while Resh was transferred to a downy bed big enough for three people. 

Salma finally released Carr to greet Resh, promising him the doctor would be in soon and she’d send up a maid with some food. She paused a few times, seemingly waiting for a response from him, but moved on before Carr could mention anything. 

Then, without skipping a beat, she turned to Carr. “Someone should be bringing up your belongings, and I’ll have a change of clothes brought in. Do you have any preferences?” 

Carr stared, unable to marshal any coherent thoughts. 

“No worries, I’ll have them bring up some options. Somehow, you don’t strike me as a skirts and dresses type of girl.” She eyed the dagger sheathed at Carr’s waist, then nodded. “There’s a bathing chamber attached to the room.” She gestured vaguely in the direction of whatever that was. “If you need anything, just stick your head out the door. I’ll have a guard stationed out in the hall to manage any requests or to show you around, should you like. I’ll be back to check on you a little later, okay?” 

With another smile, Salma swept out of the room, following the guards who had transported Resh, leaving Carr feeling like she’d been caught up in a whirlwind. 

She walked over to the bed in what felt like a trance, taking the other side opposite of Orla, who was looking amused. 

“She’s very energetic,” Orla said unhelpfully. Like she couldn’t have figured that out on her own. 

Carr considered herself energetic. Salma was on a whole other level. 

“You doin’ alright?” she asked Resh. 

He nodded, but his breathing was a little labored for her liking, his eyes already half-lidded with fatigue even though he’d only recently awakened when they’d pulled into the town. She felt his forehead with the back of her hand, frowning at how clammy his skin felt. 

“He doesn’t look alright,” Orla said, her mouth turning down. 

“He will be,” Carr said, willing it to be so. She wouldn’t tolerate any other scenario, even in her thoughts. She took his hand, and he squeezed it before closing his eyes. Carr sighed, then eyed the expanse of bed at his side, fatigue weighing her down. She’d barely gotten any sleep on the way here. 

“You’re tired,” Orla said, standing abruptly. “I’ll let you get some rest while you wait. Don’t, uh, stab the guard when they bring the doctor in, will you? They’ve all been very nice to me. I think they’re good people.” 

“Yeah, okay,” Carr said with a yawn. “Don’t know how you won these people over in such a short time, but I have a feelin’ we have you to thank for our current quarters.” 

Orla giggled, then gave Carr another hug before leaving. 

Carr eyed the door, debating the wisdom of sleeping in a strange place before she’d gotten the measure of the people or at least walked around a bit. But in the end, she decided that Orla had been here for three-plus days on her own and was fine, happy even, and if she couldn’t put at least a little trust in that, then she was screwed. 

The bed was the softest thing Carr had ever laid down upon, and she was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, fingers still twined in Resh’s. 

~~~

Resh

Resh woke slowly, reluctantly, to the sound of cursing. It was soft, somewhat distant cursing, but it had him on alert all the same. Or as alert as he was capable of being these days. His heart beat too fast, but it was always doing that, ever since… he flexed his left hand, the fingers feeling warmer than usual. Hadn’t someone been holding his hand? 

He was lying on something soft, and when he looked around, he seemed to be in some kind of suite? Soft, creamy walls, not stark white. A painting on the wall over there. A window over there, the curtains drawn back, admitting the late afternoon light. The sound of running water distracted him then, along with a very loud exclamation of surprise followed by yet more cursing. 

Just as he was trying to decide if he had the energy to investigate, Carr popped around the corner of… another room?, a guilty expression on her face. A tension Resh hadn’t realized he was carrying relaxed at the sight of her. 

“Oh! You’re awake.” She crossed the room in quick strides, then looked behind her toward the open door, where the sound of running water still emanated. “You’re not gonna believe what they have in there!” 

He raised an eyebrow, suppressing a smile. Water?

“Yes! And it gets hot, all on its own! Comes out pipes or somethin’, and rains down from the ceiling!” She bounced in place. “Oh, oh, and look!” 

Resh twisted his head to watch as she approached the bedside table and touched the lamp there, which burst into a radiant yellow glow. His widened eyes met hers. Magic?

“It has to be, right? Oh Resh, if they have magic in their house, that’s gotta be good for us, for you. Right?” Carr asked, twisting a hand in her skirt. 

Hope so, Resh said, then had to stifle a yawn. Were you going to clean up? 

“Shit! I forgot already.” She laughed, although it sounded a little forced. “I can wait. The doctor should hopefully be coming soon–” 

Resh shook his head. He knew how uncomfortable she had to be in that dress. 

“You sure?” she asked, plopping on the edge of the bed. 

It was a testament to how soft the damned thing was that Resh didn’t even feel any movement, for which he was grateful. His chest was aching abominably. She leaned over him to feel his forehead, but he turned away from her. 

Yes, he said when she gave him a surprised look. She’d done so much for him already, had been through only the gods knew what in that camp–he eyed her wrists, only the edges of the yellowing bruises he’d seen before visible beneath the sleeves of her dress. Bruises he fully intended to ask her about, once he could stay awake long enough to hear the answer. 

She deserved to be clean and comfortable. Besides, he didn’t need her to tell him he was feverish. Again. Go. 

“I’ll be quick,” she promised. 

But before she could get off the bed, Resh found himself reaching for her, his heart in his throat. Just reaching, not touching, but she closed the distance, taking his hand. 

“Real,” she said before he could ask. 

He nodded, then averted his face to hide the tears pricking his eyes. It was still real. How many times had it been now? 

“Quick,” she promised, squeezing his hand before rising. 

Resh must’ve dozed off again before she returned because unfamiliar voices roused him from sleep this time, along with the touch of fingers on his wrist. That woke him real fast, and he jerked away before they could tie him up again, gasping for air that wouldn’t come as he tried to scoot away, despite knowing there was nowhere to go. They’d tie him up, hold him down, cut him, drown him, burn him alive. 

“Stop–no, don’t reach for him again, you fuckin’ dipshit. What kind of doctor are you? Can’t you see you woke him and he doesn’t know where he is?” 

Carr? He cracked open bleary eyes, searching. Then she was there, leaning over him. Damp strands of red-blond hair framed worried hazel eyes. Her brow furrowed. 

“The doctor’s here,” she said. “You can relax, I won’t let him do anything stupid.” 

He laid back against the pillows more because he had no choice. His shoulder was screaming at him. 

“If we’re done having hysterics?” the doctor said, huffing.

Resh’s cheeks flushed with shame. He set his jaw, steeling himself to meet this man’s eyes, but before he could, Carr jumped up. 

“Hall. Now.” She was around the bed, grabbing the doctor’s arm before he realized what was happening. 

Despite the man being twice her size, she managed to drag him out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Resh flinched. 

“Oh dear,” someone said, their voice laden with concern.  

He swiveled his head, gaze locking on a woman with short curly hair and darkly tanned skin. His heart beat impossibly faster. How many fucking people were there? 

The woman gave him a bright smile. “Hello. We met briefly before, but you were a little out of it, so it’s okay if you don’t remember.”

Now that she mentioned it, she did seem vaguely familiar. His next breath came a little easier. 

“Carr said your name is Resh, is it alright if I call you that?” 

He nodded dumbly, eyes flicking from her to the door, beyond which the voices of both Carr and the doctor were becoming notably louder.  

“Resh, I’m Salma, the lady of the manor. I wanted to welcome you, but it seems to have been a poor welcome so far. I apologize for Dr. Mathers’ manners. He’s rather gruff but very good at his job.” 

He opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again with a snap and raised his hand instead, waving weakly. He received another smile in return. 

“It’s lovely to meet you, Resh. Hopefully, we’ll have you back on your feet in no time.” 

Pits, he hoped so. He was tired of feeling so fucking tired–

“You sonova fuckin’ bitch, you better start givin’ a damn, or I’ll give you somethin’ to give a damn about. And just so’s we’re clear, it’ll be some new fucking orifices and then we’ll see if your bedside manner is any better while you doctor your own fat ass.” A loud thump accompanied the words. 

Resh and Salma’s heads snapped back toward the door. 

“Oh dear,” she said again. “Maybe I better…” 

Resh shook his head. 

“Or… perhaps not.” Salma chuckled nervously. “She’s not really going to–wait, I don’t think you should be doing that.” 

He didn’t think he should be doing this either, but he continued climbing out of bed all the same, jaw clenched so hard it was a wonder he didn’t crack a tooth. Gods, his whole fucking body hurt. He managed to get to the edge of the bed and sat there panting for a few seconds, during which time Carr continued speaking quite colorfully, but in a somewhat more moderate tone. Thank gods. 

Salma approached and offered him a hand up, and then a shoulder to lean on, which he didn’t really want but found he needed. At least until they got to the wall, which he switched to leaning on instead. 

Bracing himself, he opened the door. 

Carr had the doctor pressed against the wall, her forearm digging into his throat while she continued threatening him. The doctor looked equal parts pissed and terrified, and the uniformed guard leaning against the other wall was just watching the show, his shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter. 

Resh rolled his eyes. He didn’t see a knife, but that didn’t mean much with her. Especially since she’d finally taken the opportunity to change and was back in pants and a loose tunic. There could be any number of blades hidden on her person. 

Taking as deep a breath as he could manage, he put two fingers to his mouth and let loose with an ear-piercingly loud whistle. 

Everyone jolted, turning to stare at him. 

What. The fuck, Resh said, clutching the wall as sparks flashed in his field of view. 

“Someone needed a crash course in manners,” Carr said with a scowl, but she finally released Dr. Mathers, who started rubbing his throat as she stepped back. 

And that’s supposed to help? he asked incredulously. His knees wobbled, so he clutched the doorframe harder. Which made the muscles in his side cramp. He hissed. 

“Damnit, Resh.” Carr rushed over to support him. “Do you need a crash course in how not to do stupid things?” 

He would’ve laughed if he hadn’t been concentrating so hard on staying conscious. This was ridiculous. Why the fuck was he so weak? 

After Carr helped him into bed, the doctor must’ve dared to come back in, because he heard her ask, “You gonna behave?” as she propped him up with some pillows. 

“Yes, yes, you’ve made your point. Now, if you don’t mind–” The doctor walked up to the edge of the bed and addressed Resh. “Will you allow me to examine you?” 

Resh nodded, and Carr stood back, allowing him access. She didn’t go far though, crossing her arms over her chest and fixing a rather intimidating stare on the doctor. 

The man cleared his throat and pushed his glasses up before he started poking and prodding him. When he was satisfied, he pulled a strange, flexible tube from his bag. One end of the tube went in his ear while he pressed the cold, flat, metal piece at the other end to Resh’s chest, which seemed rather odd, but what did he know. At least it didn’t hurt. Resh studied him while he did whatever he was doing, trying to keep his mind off the pain. And awake. 

The doctor wasn’t really all that fat, just soft. He appeared late middle-aged, with lines around his mouth and eyes, and strands of gray woven through his straw-colored hair. And for all his gruff manner, he was surprisingly gentle as he unwrapped the bandages and inspected the wound under Resh’s collarbone. 

“What is this from?” Dr. Mathers asked, making disapproving noises at the state of the wound. 

Resh clenched his teeth when he prodded the sensitive skin surrounding it. 

“Arrow,” Carr answered for him. 

The doctor gave her an annoyed glance. “Can he not answer for himself?” 

“No, not unless you can read lips. He can write, and sign some, but unless he tells me he’d rather write stuff out for you?” She looked to him for confirmation, and he shook his head, doubting he could manage a pencil right now. “Then I’ll be talking for him.”

“Nobody can read lips,” the man scoffed. “At least not well. It’s been studied–” 

“Well, I can,” Carr said. “At least, his.” 

Dr. Mathers harrumphed but didn’t argue with her further, electing instead to inspect Resh’s back. “Which side, ah, nevermind.” He helped Resh lay back. “How long since he was shot?” 

“About a week?” Carr said, shifting. “He was feverish at first, then I didn’t see him for a few days. When I did see him again, he was standing with support. He can barely do that now, as you saw.” 

“Was he feverish when you saw him the second time?” 

“I don’t think so? But he seemed to get worse as we traveled here. Oh! And the healer at the camp said he had some cracked ribs–” 

“Yes, I did notice that,” the doctor cut her off. 

Carr glared at him. “He fell and then passed out afterward, and we weren’t sure why. Thought the ribs, but they said no…”

“They were right, the ribs are probably uncomfortable–” 

Probably? Resh thought with a wince. 

“–but they’re stable. He does have a rather nasty infection in that wound, which I’ll want to clean out, but tomorrow will be soon enough for that. On top of that, he looks very malnourished. How has he been eating and sleeping?”

Fine, Resh said, looking at Carr without looking at her. 

“Not fine,” she snapped. “Anyone with eyes could see you weren’t sleeping before we were attacked. I… I didn’t know about the eating. He always seemed to eat.” She shot him a withering glare, and he looked away, hunching his shoulders.   

The doctor nodded, then addressed Resh directly. “And would this have something to do with some kind of trauma response?” 

Fuck. It really was too much to hope he wouldn’t mention his scars. Resh pressed his lips together. It was none of his business. 

Carr looked at him uncertainly, her mouth opening and closing when Dr. Mathers looked to her for an answer. Finally, she said, “I don’t think he wants to answer that.” 

“I can draw my own conclusions then,” the doctor said with a frown. 

Resh let out the breath he’d been holding. Thank you, he told Carr. She didn’t look too happy about withholding information, but he was glad she hadn’t contradicted him again. 

Dr. Mathers redressed his shoulder and then wrapped his ribs, which felt sooo much better, dear gods. He offered a couple rather nasty concoctions, for analgesia and inflammation, whatever that was, then followed it up with a slightly better-tasting antipyretic tea. For fever, he’d explained when Carr finally told him to speak in normal people terms.  

Carr helped him lay back down when he’d finished. The taste of honey lingered on his tongue, and the world blurred pleasantly around the edges.  

The doctor left, and Salma started talking to Carr. Something about the bandits. What to do with them, maybe? Resh tried to pay attention, he really did, but found he couldn’t focus on the words any longer. He finally gave in to the drugs and his own weariness and closed his eyes.

Next

[kalopseance]

im a little nervous for her, honestly. shes not one of the most popular ones i have, so i fear deeply for her. hpwever.

dont you motherfuckers like detectives

if so, vote for my beloved embry in the oc round of @transfemswagbracket ... assuming i submit her in time LOL p.s theres a typo above lol. shes actually 145cm, not 155cm. even shorter. tiny.

A famous detective in the kingdom of Valenstein, Embry Ward is both a respected yet distrusted figure. She's been known to solve some of the most complex mysteries throughout the entire country; making her into quite the celebrity. However, her goals and actions can often seem very contradictory to the values you would assume a detective to hold. Embry exclusively investigates cases that peak her personal interest, and enjoys the thrill of investigation as a game and a way to test her intelligence. She refuses to cooperate with any sort of organization, even those that have offered her enormous rewards in exchange for working with them. Because of this, Embry is both respected and widely admired, but also acts as a nuisance to those who would be happier if their crimes weren't investigated. She makes a living through investigative journalism and report writing. Though she lives in her little studio and gets by independently, she actually does come from quite a high-class, wealthy family. When she was young, however, she was treated as an outsider and shunned for her supposed inability to behave and act like a 'normal' child, unable to express empathy or be 'obedient'. Out of her large number of siblings, she was close to the oldest, her brother Archer. It was when Archer and Embry had a fight many years ago that Embry lost trust in the only member of her family who she loved, and unable to cope, she ran away and started living on her own when she was barely thirteen. Years later, after becoming a respected and famed detective, the case of the Valenstein Killer, a violent vigilante, catches her eye. This, combined with hearing the news of the supposed disappearance of her older brother Archer, Embry is inspired to track down both the Valenstein Killer and the brother she used to love, figuring out the connection between the two cases. As she investigates further, she finds a new thread to follow - her brother's strange obsession with protecting the Valenstein Killer. She has a great love of sweets and sugary things. She hides this in an attempt to seem more mature. Likewise, she's often mocked for her small height, and she worries about being treated like a child. She wears glasses despite having perfect vision, purely for the sake of looking more intelligent. Later down the line, Embry Ward is further caught up in the mysteries and events surrounding the Valenstein Killer, and she finds herself confronting a reclusive cult known as The Sanctuary. Here, she meets an odd green-haired human girl who belongs to this cult. Despite the difference in ideals and philosophies, Embry finds herself fascinated by this girl...

shes genuinely an asshole but manages to be the most morally upstanding person in her group. though the 'most morally upstanding' isnt like, a high standard when shes surrounded by Murderboy And Friends. shes stubborn, stuckup, prideful, arrogant, untrusting, but she still has her own morals and a very justified dislike of authority and the corruption she sees. admittedly, if the question is whether or not she has 'swag', thats questionable. does she? shes pretty fucking cool honestly shes incredibly confident and intelligent and self-assured but shes also kind of a loser.

sometimes shes furry

this is her playlist lol.

'I DONT TRUST U ANYMORE', 'everything costs', 'pioneer spine', 'freedom, pt. 1', 'ghost town' all fit her very well. Actually like her whole playlist is very fitting

posts which is really really embrycore:

[yeetussfetus]

run.

aight this one is kinda silly, i like it but then i dont ya know anyway the way i got this idea is really weird imma explain it at the end and uh yeah enjoy

words: 2341

warnings: cursing, alcohol, fighting (implied)

Pryce walked down the long hallways with her coffee, along with her many files about the latest rebel activity. To be honest, she was extremely proud of how it turned out. She had worked hard on this particular file the night before, also why this was her 5th cup of coffee that morning. However, she was sure that when high command read the file, it would all be worth it. Of course, considering this was the Empire, she also had low expectations, but no matter what they had to say, she was sure that this was going to be good.

But she was so in thought of her little project that she wasn’t paying attention to where she was going. And in result, she bumped into you. Fortunately she didn’t spill her coffee, but she did drop her files, which was technically a datapad. You reached down to pick it up, and seeing that it was already turned on you read a little bit of the file. Pryce did not stop you, as she wanted to see what you would say about her hard work. 

You smiled politely while reading it, “Wow, Pryce, this is really good. I’m sure high command will agree.'' Pryce's pride shot through the roof, but it immediately died out when your smile dropped. “Oh, you have a typo here. It’s supposed to be ‘their’ not ‘they’re’.”

Handing it back to Pryce, you started to walk towards your destination. You turned back to give her a comforting smile. “I’m sure the high command won’t notice, though. See you around!”

Watching you walk off, she gripped the datapad with unknown force. “I fucking hate my job.” 

Deciding that the high command could go fuck themselves, she headed towards the bridge where they would be waiting for her work.

--------

Eli was actually surprised with how well Pryce’s work was. Not saying that she was terrible at her job, but this was extremely well put. Besides a few typos, but if the rest of the officers wanted to bitch they could bitch.

Thrawn was certainly impressed, and even though it might’ve been hard to read it, it was obvious that he was from his almost non existent facial expressions. He turned to look towards you to see if you were the same way, but he didn’t see you at all. He looked around the bridge, only to see that you weren’t there. Were you late? No, if you were, you would’ve been here by now. 

Thrawn seemed to see how confused Eli was, and leaned towards him. “If you’re wondering what they mean by the attacks on naboo, they mean the ones that happened last week.” Eli turned to him, a little offended that he thought Eli didn’t understand what they were talking about. “Yeah, I got that, I’m trying to look for _____, have you seen her?”

Thrawn straightened himself, before replying, “Last I heard, she was heading to Tarkin's fleet for a meeting. She will be back by tonight, so do not worry.” Eli felt a little hurt that you wouldn’t tell him, but then again, Tarkin liked to pull you from Thrawn's fleet for random meetings, probably just shit talking sessions, so he didn’t hold it against you.

They all turned their heads towards the intercoms when they heard the long ‘beep’ that played out when something long was about to be announced. Eli sighed and waited for a few seconds. But nothing played. Confused, he looked around the room to see if everyone else had heard it. They did, and they were all looking confused as well. Then, there was the faintest sound of audio being picked up, before it seemed to be… playing a recording.

Before anyone was able to ask what was going on, strange music started to play through the halls, and then Eli realized that the song that was playing was the “Coconut Mall” theme from Mario Kart. It got a little louder, then a little  lower, before it stopped being adjusted. 

Everyone in the room just stood there, listening to the theme song, wondering what the hell was happening. Finally, after almost 2 minutes, the song ended. Thrawn stared at the intercoms with a slight glare, but he turned back to the group to talk about Pryce’s excellent work  but got interrupted when something else started to play. This time it was caramelldansen, out of all the songs. 

Eli turned to his datapad and opened a new browser and looked at the security cameras, where he then went to the area where they would play the weekly announcements or just emergency alerts. However, the place was in shambles, with the people who were supposed to be controlling the comms were all trying to stop whoever was messing with them. Eli tapped thrawn on the shoulder and showed him the camera footage. Thrawn stared at the panicking staff, before he pulled out his own comm, which could technically be broadcasted to the entire ship and walked over to one of the control panels and inserted it into the panel. 

After a bit of typing, he was pleased with what he could do, and pushed a button that would technically override the comms, but before he even spoke, the control panel beeped, before a error message played out on the screen, reading, “CANNOT OVERRIDE EMERGENCY COMM”. Thrawn seemed to be even more confused, and continued to type away at the panel, but the same error just appeared on the screen. The typing started to become louder and louder almost as if he was trying to drown out the song that was playing overhead, but it was no use. 

Whoever planned this was extremely smart in making sure that they wouldn’t be able to get the comms fixed. Finally, in an act of frustration, Thrawn just raised his fist and banged it onto the screen panel. However, the spinning wheel of death came to a halt, revealing the words, “CANNOT OVERRIDE EMERGENCY COMM”. With this, thrawn took out his comm, and then tried to broadcast his own voice, but the same message played. By this point, the song was almost over, and everyone thought that this would be it. Whoever was playing this prank was sure that they were going to be caught.

But unfortunately, it didn’t.

After a few seconds, a new song played. All Star by Smash Mouth. 

By this point many of the technicians were heading towards the intercom area, to see what the hell was going on. Most of the crew on the bridge were impatiently waiting for the speakers to be fixed and so that they could find whoever was playing the songs. Pryce looked like she wanted to murder someone for ruining her presentation, and Thrawn had a resting bitch face, which eli was able to tell from the way he would galre at anything and anyone. 

The first time the song ended, everyone was waiting for which new weird song would play. But the same song repeated itself. Which was weird, considering the fact that they had played a different song each time. But Thrawn didn’t seem to care, simply talking over the song telling people to resume their normal duties and that the song should be down by the end of the day. How wrong he was.

The song played for a third time, and at this point Eli was starting to focus more on the song then his work. Whoever is doing this is gonna wish that they were hiding…

Then, a fourth time. Pryce came into Thrawn's office where Eli resided with Thrawn, because, well, Thrawn had his room soundproof, so that he could scream in peace when the Empire was complete bullshit. Since the speakers in his room were designed to be quieter so he could work in peace, it was a godsend for Eli, especially now. 

The fifth time it played, it almost seemed as if the quiet speakers were useless. Eli was starting to get the song stuck in his head and it was bothering the hell out of him. Pryce was trying to revise her presentation in case she missed something, but everytime she went to edit it, her brain tried to write the words she was hearing. Thrawn was just about ready to reveal a flask filled with alcohol if the song didn’t stop.

The sixth time was when shit hit the fan. In the middle of the song, Eli heard running from outside the door, and he then heard, “WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS ARE DOING THIS, I’M GONNA BEAT YOU ALL TO-” and then the sound of people fighting each other. Someone probably got tackled to the ground. Eli didn’t even want to go outside to see what was happening.

The seventh time was complete insanity, Eli was able to hear the screaming and fighting outside. He had no idea how this would have happened on the ship, but it was absolute chaos. Looking at the security footage, there were at least 6 different viewpoints with multiple fights. He was just about to call a goddamn containment breach.

Then, out of nowhere, a new song started to play. It was Wii music. He was almost able to hear the cries of relief from the crew, and as it played he tried to fall asleep to drown out his problems. He listened to the calming music of the speakers that brought peace to his mind, and he was about to fall asleep, when.

“SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME,” 

Screams could be heard from across the ship as the eight time, and people started up their fights again. Eli saw from the corner of his eye Thrawn pulling out a datapad and he started to type to someone. This continued for a minute before he pulled out a holopad and turned it on. He pulled out your contact and called you. When you answered you were sitting down somewhere, holding a random datapad probably from Tarkin.

“Thrawn? Are you good?” Thrawn seemed almost to cry in relief when you answered his call. “No, my dear, I am not.” He then went on to explain the situation, before he hung his head low, almost wanting to die having to explain this to you of all people. You stared at him for a moment, before reassuring him, “Don’t worry, I’ll get them to send someone with experience to help you out. They’ll be there in about half an hour.”

Well. Could be worse. Eli found two pillows and stuck them on his ears trying to drown out the song.

------

The ships came earlier than expected. Then again, the place where Tarkin usually resided wasn’t too far from their post, but he wasn’t expecting Tarkin to bring about 4 ISD to the scene. 

However, it became apparent why when Tarkin stepped off the smaller ship that had been sent out. Along with you. The song had still been playing, the goddamn tone was getting to Eli so much. 

Walking through the halls was a mess in itself. People were trying to restrain others, they were fighting each other, it reminded you of the time the whole Life Day incident happened. But this wasn’t the same. 

When the two of you finally reached Thrawn's office, the place had been put on lockdown, still the damn song playing. You did have to admit it was starting to get annoying having to hear it on repeat. You couldn’t imagine what it would be like for an hour.

Walking into Thrawn's office, you saw Eli in the corner, on the floor, with two pillows held up against his ears, Pryce sitting on one of the chairs with her elbows on her knees, head down, and her hands covering her ears, and Thrawn had a tipped over flask on his desk. Overall? A fucking mess.

However, before anyone could explain anything, the music stopped mid play. It was a relief to everyone. Pryce lifted her head like she was seeing an angel for the first time. Thrawn looked almost the same, but his eyes held relief. Eli didn’t hear it stop because the pillows were so good as sound blockers that he didn’t have to worry. 

Tarkin gave a smirk, before asking, “So, you needed help with what exactly?”

------

That same day Thrawn held a bounty to whoever could find out who did the prank. A lesser reward for whoever had any info on them, but it was all the same. The ship had to be cleaned up from the whole ordeal. Multiple cleaning crews from other ships had to be requested. Even the Emperor got attention for what happened and had a good laugh (in private). 

Vader was supposed to appear for a meeting the next day, but it had to be postponed from the damage.

You, Thrawn and Eli had a secondary, more private meeting in Thrawn's office, where Eli explained what happened. You had to hide your laugh as a cough, which worked better than expected.

After the mini meeting was over, Thrawn left, but you asked Eli to stay for details on what happened that you knew Thrawn wouldn’t want to remember. Eli begrudgingly agreed and told you what happened in detail. You had a good laugh, and Eli did as well, long forgetting his anger towards the situation. After a bit of laughs, you gathered your things, telling Eli that you would be getting on with the report you had to give to Tarkin about the situation.

However, before you left, you turned back to face him. “You know, I’m surprised that those emergency comms had that much range. I was expecting it to die out, you know? But I guess they’re called emergency comms for something.”

Eli stopped, dead in his tracks, and turned back to face you. You gave an innocent smile, before saying, “Hope you didn’t mind. See you around, Eli.”

Eli was left with a feeling of betrayal from one of his closest friends, and a feeling of emptiness.

------

did it. ok so the way how i got this was that i was scrolling through someones blog and i found a funny video about john mulaney and that whats new pussycat and i was like oh hey didnt something happen to my brother and so i asked him about it and long story short in highschool someone had played pumped up kicks like 3 times i think and there was a fight somehow that ended up with someone going to the hospital so yeah. also i havent edited this much so pls tell me of any mistakes lmao anyway heres the guys who imma tag:

@theninjahobbit666 @danger-xylophones @justalittlecloud @queenie-chi-cosplay @ssevent33n @fallenrepublick

[lovablegranny]

As it should be part 2.

I have to make sure he doesn't interfere with my plan, I like you Bas but I will kill her and you won't t stop me. Bastien and I exchange pleasantries and I'm shown to my room. As I walk past Liams door to his office I could smell his cologne through the door and I cabt help but miss him but I have to focus. Once inside my room I put my stuff neatly away and proceeded to call Maxwell let him know that I had arrived safely. I put my duffle in the room safe and decide to walk to Liams office to inform him of my presence but I'm stopped when I hear voices coming from inside and my curiosity gets the best of my so I knock on the door and can hear shuffling going on and then after a few minutes I hear Liam say come in. As I walk in , there they were Lady Bionca and Liam with coy looks on their faces. Liams mouth dropped open and Bionca looked as if she'd seen a ghost. No worries you two, I'm only here for Leo's daughter's birthday party and I just came to inform the King of my presence. Please dont let me interrupt whatever it was you two were doing. Good night . As I proceeded to walk out Liam began to speak but I politely turned and repeated myself ,goodnight and returned to my room. I thought I would be hurt or angry but I was neither. It did surprise me as to how quickly he had moved on and with her. I remember him saying that she was a crown chaser and he would not be caught dead in her company. I guess that was his dead body I just saw with the oh shit look on his face. Well its whatever, i came to do a job and I could careless who he give his meat bag to. After changing into my bed clothes l slowly fell into a deep sleep. My alarm on my phone goes off at 8 am as intended, I hit the shower and put on a sleek black dress and sandals and proceeded down stairs for some tea and toast before I start my day. I'm met with smiles and hugs from the whole gang. And I look over and there she was. Countess Madline my mark. I could take her out right here, but luckily for her shes holding her daughter. Oh your one lucky bitch , i wanna put one right between your fucking eyes. But I'm patient enough to watch a rock turn over so I'll wait. And look at Liam looking at me with those puppy eyes, I wonder if he even remembers me seeing him last night trying to hide his I just got tricked look he gave me when I caught him with Whore-esha in his office. Reminder to self to get a HIV test when I get back home. Hes still fine as hell but I have no idea where hes been putting his golden rod so I'm not falling for any of his panty dropping words. Dam dude could make me feel like I was losing my mind, he would completely own every part of my body. Not to mention his big , oh wow I almost lost it. Ok , back on task. Kill Maddie!

Thanks to all seasoned writers who has paved the way for me to be able to get better at this writing thing. You know who you are. I love you ALL!!!!! Pease excuse any typos.

[writingforjoy]

Decotta’s Diary

Once again, huuuge thanks to @aurikhai, @rose-of-sharon-cass, and anon for asking for this particular drabble and i apologize again for taking so long with it! the first three entries are for the asks, and then i did the last one as a normal diary entry. All typos, punctuation, and grammar mistakes are left the way they are because I wrote it as if she was typing it on her phone. @rhikasa i hope you'll enjoy this one too

Dear diary, July 22, 2016 10:58pm

We’re leaving for a ‘mission’ tomorrow. Just gathering more intel or something on this ring of productivity. Think its supposed to create whatever you want, but idk, wasn’t really listening when pH0 and zane were talking about it. I would just ask him but I don’t wanna make myself look stupid! I mean, its literally not my job as ‘king’ to know, just to make sure that we don’t use all our expenses. Anyways, tomorrow we’ll leave Moonshine Lake. I’ve never been to Arkansas before, I wonder if it’s any different from Louisiana? We’ll see...but I’m not driving lol.

Dear diary, July 23, 2016 3:47pm

The only thing worse than all these trees is Emment presence. Honestly I don’t get WHY Haiden thought it was a good idea to send Emment along. I dont care if he can heal, I can protect Zane on my own! Now we can’t share the room OR have the romantic date like I planned! It was supposed to be just me and Zane enjoying the rest of the day ALONE together just relaxing but nnoooo. With Emment here, senpai wants to ‘get this done as quickly as possible’. I’ll have to read Sixteen to see how to fix this.

Dear diary, July 23, 2016 11:15pm

If Emment’s tagging along didn’t have me pissed, I definitely am now. APPARENTLY, Zane’s been working on this BY HIMSELF FOR MONTHS, and the person that has the stupid ring now is soME GIRL HE’S BEEN “DATING” FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!! I wouldnt have known about it if Emment hadnt let it slip what Zane was actually doing tonight when he left! To make it all worse, it wont be til maybe midnight when he decides to come back! Why did you have to lie to me senpai?! I couldve been of use! It would’ve been different this time!!!

Dear diary, July 24 2016 3:42am

Just as i got ready to go out and find him, senpai comes stumbling in, reeking of what i can only guess is weed and alcohol. Thankfully, he had everything to make a purification potion. Buuut, he wasn’t...all the way there to do it himself. Emments useless ass was already sleep when he made it in earlier, so that left me to make the potion for him. i couldnt stand seeing him so out of it, so of course i made it! now he’s just puking on and off again from potions effects. ...i hope he sleeps well tonight.

Dear diary, July 26, 2016 6:42am

Ok i know im supposed to have a journal entry everyday but the night zane came in he ended up resting the rest of the day and i stayed by his side watching him and then yesterday was sooo busy! YESTERDAY WAS THE BEST. DAY. EVER!!!! Oh my god wher do i even begin??!!? Ssooo, as my reward for being the best girl in the world the other night to senpai, i had BREAKFAST IN BED!!! He ordered room service for me and brought me ROSES!! He tried apologizing for everythign but i told him not to worry about, this small gesture was enough to let me know that he still cared for me~ AND THEN. HE ASKED ME. TO HELP HIM GET THE RING!! i was BEYOND excited to help him!! But i kept my cool, and told him sure, whatever. So he went on about who the girl, maggie, was (just some uppity college bitch rebelling against her rich folks) and was telling me that when we went out that night i’d have to use a glamour (he already had his ready and dear god he only gets hotter the older he gets), and who i was going to be waltzing around as (another one of her friends who sounded equally boring as her). Anyways, her parents been gone on vacation or whatever and that night she was hosting a big party at her house that he was invited to. Haiden was going to get the girl that i was going to be and keep her busy or whatever, but she was already taken care of by the time me and zane got to the party. Oh god that party was intense, so ima make try to make this entry short cause tired as fuck.

When we got there, the party was already goin, music blasting, couples all on the couches drunk kissing, people in the corners drinking, beer pong in the kitchen, the works. To maggie, i was there to help her trap zane and oh my GOD it took ALL of my willpower to not light her ass up on the spot (though it was pretty damn hilarious when i caused a short outage and she and a couple of other girls screamed), luckily senpai was close by and was able to calm me down before i got myself caught like last time, then off they went to have a ‘private conversation’, and maggie told to let everyone know that she’ll be ‘right back’ if anyone needed her, but we both know how that went lol.

So as soon as they made it to the room i stood at the door making sure no one would be interrupting senpai...and do a little eavesdropping AND OH MY GOD THIS STUPID HUMAN! She called him a crook and a liar, and all he wanted from her was her money all while she was fake crying, and then she had the nerve, the AUDACITY, to call him a witch. Of all things! A WITCH!! Then! Ooh then she called him a low-life and a snake-FIRST OF ALL MA’AM MY BABY’S JUST DOIN HIS DAMN JOB SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR UPPITY ATTITUDE-i wanted to bust in and shout that so badly, and senpai must’ve known it too cause i heard him yell ‘calm down’ in french, and again softly in english for her (i guess). At this point my curiosity was getting the best of me and i just had to see what they were doing, so i enchanted the door so i could see in, and oh my poor baby. He looked genuinely concerned, hurt even, at her accusations. Then he cupped her chin in his hand and asked her where she heard such things, and when she told him he gave her this sad look and told her some pitiful story that i only wish i remembered to prove his innocence AND SHE FAILED FOR IT! She started wiping her eyes, stammering apologies, talkin how she ‘loved’ him but didnt wanna get hurt again, and when he did his little ‘confession of love’ for her, shE KISSED HIM! I promise to god i this close to barging in, but i saw senpai hand waving ‘stop’ while she started mumbling god knows what. then he slowly leaned (a little bit too) close to her ear and whispered something that made her redder than a ripe tomato, and this horny bitch got up faster than the sun rises and started stripping out of her clothes, what makes it sad was that she tried to do it sexily, but she wasnt as graceful as she thought she was about it at all. So drunk and pathetic, humans are so weak minded that its actually entertaining lol. Once she got her bra off and straddled him, he finally put the sleeping spell on her and laid her on the bed as he slipped the ring off her finger! We made the deliver just before we got home this morning and i am more than thrilled to be in my own bed right now and that everythings finally done.

Zane Masters, my senpai, is simply the best demon in the world! He’s sweet, charming and clever, and can easily manipulate people when he wants to, and thats what i love about him. Thats why hes the Second King, our K2, my sweet, sweet, love. One day he’ll agree to go out with me, then he’ll see that im just as much of a girl as any other one, and then he’ll fall in love with me, and we’ll finally live happily ever after!

[summoner-kentauris]

WIP because i haev to run this for typos and make-sense-ness, as well as i have to add a snippet of dialogue from the new chapter in there so you know when it takes place, but ill do that all tomorrow when it goes on ao3. for now!

working title kiran causes an intergalatic incident

also i dont have my phone on me but iirc the new fafnir units have an accent on one of the letters

No one notices Kiran, at first. They fade into the background like the rest of the common folk seem to, at the gathering of these four titans. No one notices their trembling, their blank and wide eyes. The hunched tension bending their shoulders. The king doesn’t notice. The queen doesn’t notice. The royal siblings, with their backs to Kiran, certainly don’t notice. Perhaps its a trick of some magic that lingers on them, because no one notices that Kiran, with one locked and shaking arm, is pointing Breidablik at the center His Majesty’s forehead until one of his guard squeaks, and flares her massive fafnir wings as she bolts in front of him.

Other than that small noise echoing across the rigged plains, there is shocked silence.

And Kiran’s ragged, broken, uneven voice.

“Step – the fuck – away from him.”

The kingsguard draws weapons. The various Heroes draw forth their arms a split-second later. Anna curses, a rare occurrence, and she darts to Kiran’s side.

“Summoner,” she hisses. Kiran doesn’t blink. There’s no recognition in their eyes – none for Anna, at least.

“Kiran!” she repeats, urgently. She reaches for Kiran’s arm, and their finger slips closer to Breidablik’s trigger. Several bows draw tighter, on both sides. Alfonse is caught between the two of them, eyes as wide as Kiran’s. Sharena is being held back by her mother. Gustav is simply staring at the summoner, head tilted, and odd amused slant to his eyebrows.

“I said,” Kiran says, voice still tumultuous, eye still devoid, “step away from Alfonse.”

“Your majesty,” Anna says, “I don’t- this is-”

“Hush, commander,” he orders. “Summoner. You would draw weapons against a king?”

Kiran’s breath is even, but shallow, and fast.

“I’ll fucking kill you,” they say, without hesitation.

The fafnir at the front of the kings guard bursts into motion, and is shield-checked almost as quickly by Effie. The rest of the kingsguard is halted mid-movement by a small wave of Gustav’s hand. They settle, with nervous contained energy, back into their lines.

Some Heroes with Divine armaments make a point of tilting their metallic surfaces in the fading sunlight.

“Kiran,” Alfonse finally says, voice breaking, too.

“Stand,” Kiran orders Gustav, “aside.”

There is a moment’s pause while Gustav surveys the field. His army far outnumbers the Order, laughably so. The Heroes stand a little taller at this, hoisting swords and flicking the pages of tomes and cracking necks and knuckles accordingly. Fjorm raises Leiptr slightly. It’s not a number game, Anna thinks, worried. It’s godsdamned diplomacy.

She hopes.

After all, the number of royals and VIPs and legends on her side far outweighs the other.

And yet. Kiran still has not lowered their weapon. Their finger is curled tighter around it than she’s ever seen before.

The absurd thought that Kiran could – might actually assassinate the king of Askr right there, right in front of her, flashes across her mind.

Unseen tension dissipates from King Gustav’s form. As if reading his mind, his kingsguard stands down, too.

“Very well,” he says, and Anna can tell a great number of internal sighs are being had across the field. “Very well.”

Kiran doesn’t lower Breidablik, but their breathing does ease up, just a tad.

And Gustav and his retinue begin to walk away, and it could have all gone so well after that, but…

“Alfonse,” he says, pauses, turns back without walking back but looks back all the same. “Alfonse, please make sure they are brought to me when this is all finished.”

And maybe then it could have still be okay - okay-ish, Anna supposes, because, well, minds get changed and a war can be a long thing, but…

Alfonse looks back too, towards Kiran, who is still shaking and tracing Gustav’s path with Breidablik’s barrel. Their eyes are still deadwide. The tension is still loaded down on their shoulders, the pain of it radiant. And their voice has never once stopped being broken, and ragged, and uneven.

He looks back at Kiran, and notices all this, and then looks at Gustav, whose patient air is beginning to wear thin, and then back at Kiran.

And he looks at his own hands.

And he says, “No. No, I will do no such thing.”

And Gustav whirls, as he does, only this time Kiran is here and Kiran is still on a tight wire with a trigger finger that’s much too close, and the moment Gustav moves-

For the second time that day, all hell breaks loose.

[cafephan]

the danny situation/explaining my hatred of april 1st

okay here’s a post i never thought i’d be typing up. i can count on one hand with fingers to spare, how many people know this story, and none of them are family members or anyone i have any form of contact with anymore. yet here i am sharing it with the internet, but i feel like i need to articulate it and note it down somewhere rather than still trying to repress it even years later when it’s clearly not working and recently it keeps coming to haunt me more than ever

just a pre-warning some of you are going to think i’m pathetic for this still affecting me and will think it’s no big deal and it’s not worth posting about but i think it’s important for myself to finally just write it all down, judge me if you want i’ve gotten enough of it before

so, i’m wildly unattractive, i don’t feel as if i have to prove that to anyone. and if highschool movies have taught us anything about the typical ugly girl, what is it? that they always end up crushing on the cute guy (obviously this is a cliche movie trope and doesn’t apply to real life except it did to me, very much so). 

i considered changing his name for the purpose of this, but no like what’s the point. his name was danny and he was in my form group for the duration of the five years of secondary school, meaning we saw each other every day. he was also in my maths group (shout out to other people in set three, forever average) and little old me just used to fawn over him and not so subtly stare at him the entire time. though, having no friends, nobody was there to call me out on it, which looking back is both a blessing and a curse. 

like i said, i’m wildly unattractive now, so take a moment to imagine me in 2008. puppy fat aplenty, the chubbiest cheeks you ever did see and resting bitch face (which still hasn’t left me). i was a mess. but i saw danny as some kind of god - which he definitely wasn’t, i hate myself for ever thinking that lmao - and though i was always terrified to try and strike up conversation, it never stopped me smiling whenever he looked my way (we were only one person apart in the register too which helped in assemblies) and the odd times he did the polite thing and smiled back i would practically melt on the spot. 

the not so subtle crushing continued for four years, which takes us to our second-to-last year of secondary school. for some reason i had been forced to do a resistant materials gcse because i was apparently in ‘the cream of the crop’ in my year group throughout the past years’ DT (design and technology) classes, and still to this day i have no fucking idea why they put me in there because all i did was use the sanding machine. but anyway, DT god danny was also on the course, and he noticed me struggling with literally every part of it that wasn’t done on computers and took to helping me with little tasks alongside his own projects and unsurprisingly i was internally screaming because oh my god our hands just brushed on the desk vice and other cringeworthy shit like that which i’ve probably used in an early fic or two. there’s nothing more really to note on that year just remember that he started being nice then. another thing worth saying is that this is the year i started to wear a bit of makeup and when i came to maths class one day with pale eyeshadow on, he said that he didn’t like it and so i never wore it again (you should never change yourself for anyone, if something makes you feel good then you keep doing it okay, you dont need anyone else’s validation, i just wish younger kirsten knew and believed that)

the year after is where things happen so it’s late february 2013, and i came home from my grandparents’ house to find a new message in my facebook inbox. without being dramatic because this literally happened, i swear my breath caught in my throat because danny had just messaged me saying ‘hey babe’ i remember it distinctly, and i squealed into a pillow. i replied immediately, then flopped back on my bed wondering why this had happened, there’s never been anything appealing about me either in appearance or personality, so the reason why was a mystery, but i was so wrapped up in being completely head over heels heart eyes i didn’t really give it a second thought, because he replied a second or two later with another pet name.

these casual messages with petnames continued all through march and stupidly i started saying petnames back (which in itself is a reason to repress this whole thing), and on march 31st we were chatting and suddenly he says ‘can we skype tomorrow?’ and i literally cried, i was so happy. i’d heard girls in school talking about skyping with boys and a small very petty part of me wanted to be one of them and i felt as if i just might have the chance. obviously i said yes and we both logged off.

aaaaaaaand around rolls april 1st. the lovely lovely holiday of april fools day. what a fucking delight. 

i’m sure you can see where this is going, right?

so i dressed up nice and waited for the skype call to come through, and when it does i desperately try to calm myself down, and look to the ground and take deep breaths. my blood ran cold when i heard multiple boys’ laughter coming from the other end of the call. there were six of them, including danny.

without even addressing i was there (obviously they knew i was there) they started reading out the messages that it turns out they had been taking turns to send to me from his account, and put on a really high pitched voice reading my responses. 

(sidenote: i’m genuinely crying right now as i write this i’m sorry if there’s any typos from now on my vision’s gone blurry)

when they finally finished - i don’t know why i didn’t end the fucking call myself, i was just frozen out of fear and embarrassment and mortification i guess - they all burst into laughter, danny laughing probably the loudest. i was crying, and i opened my mouth to say something, but i was crying too heavily. this caused them to laugh louder, and one of them said “and even now she can’t fucking say anything, freak.” they laugh again and one of danny’s friends leaned in close to the webcam. “did you honestly think he liked you?” he asked, and i stupidly nodded, because at some point i’d let myself believe it, again because i had no friends to tell me how stupid and dodgy the whole thing was. 

then his friend went back and danny himself leaned in close. “april fools” he said with a horrible grin and blew a kiss to the webcam before the call ended, and i. fucking. lost. it. 

still to this day, i don’t think i ever cried that much. i had panic attack after panic attack, i didn’t get any sleep, and nothing could calm me down. it still holds the top spot of worst night of my life, and trust me it’s had many many challengers for that title since.

the next day, because i shut myself off from the internet that night, i woke up to three new facebook messages. from three of his friends who were on the call with him. ‘happy april fools, sweetheart’ one of them said, ‘i can’t believe you thought you had any chance with him lol nice try darling’ said another, and the final read ‘just kill yourself already. babe’. all petnames ‘danny’ used at one point.

so that is the reason i beg you all to not send any form of prank on april fools day to me. because it brings back the memory of that. every april 1st i cry myself to sleep, and though i know you all mean well, any involvement with that holiday, no matter how small, sets me off. 

this incident is the reason i couldn’t accept compliments in the early days, long time followers will remember, i’m sure. this incident is the reason i’ve not been able to have crushes on anyone. i’ve never let myself because in the back of my mind i’m always worrying things will turn out the same way. if i start to feel anything for anyone i back away and leave them alone completely. this incident is the reason i struggle to form friendships. tied in with the bullying and the fact i had no friends to teach me what friendship was, naturally.

in case you were wondering, danny’s engaged now, he’s happy. i think i saw on facebook they’re trying for a baby. which is good for them, but i can’t help but feel like it’s not fair. he’s off playing happy families and living life whilst i’m still here suffering from a stupid fucking prank when he knew full well i was crushing on him.

it was only three years ago, so i suppose it’s understandable, and i’m in a much better place with myself now than i was which helps, but it’s something that’s really etched itself into my brain and is still affecting me to a certain degree. i feel like now i’ve typed it all up, i might be able to sleep easy, it does feel as if a huge weight has been lifted. plus, i think i’ve made allusions to this story before various times but none of you pried about it which i really appreciate, you’re all so incredibly lovely and i can’t thank you enough.

so there’s the danny story and the reason i hate april fools’ day.

if you read this far, then thank you, and if you think i’m overreacting still, you’re more than entitled to your opinion, i’ve been judged on many things before and what’s one more to add to the list by this point. 

i love you all very much and hope you have a great rest of your day and i’m sorry if this dampened anyone’s mood in any way. i hope this has given you a little more insight to me, i don’t know why it would’ve but who knows. sorry.

xx

[photonconductor]

i dont have an ao3 but shout out to my homeboys

once upon there was a gay on th e moon bc of a really lovng alternate au idea where elc turened BAD and klaus had a 1000 year nap and it'd take too long to fucking explain this so just roll with it ok. this gay--its elcrest btw hes also a Bad Boy now; he rly likes hot topic and thinks those t shirts with sarcastic sayings are actually rly funny but we all know they aren't--was feleing emo bc he couldn't see his bf xen o bc he betrayed him. so he stayed in his room whining abt how fgay he was until eve showed up

"hey whats wrong elc mother is here for u" even tho shes like 5000 years old and looks like shes 2 and also a rock (but im not rockist guys i promise). elc looked at her with his optics shining in the pale argentate light. good thing hes the seme here bc otherwise he'd start crying. in reality he rly wanted to fucking bone xeno bc obviously they had a lot of gay sex b4 they tried to kkill his mom once nad staring at rocks all day kinda sucks.

a;so burnign alive but hes kind of over that phase.

"im sad my bf left me for 1000 years can i pls go back to earth my raging hard on can't be satisfied bc rocks. my dicks not a jack hammer even tho im jacking it all the time (thats what guys do right bitch i dont know)" eve was so offended she put her hands on her giant rock self thats not just herself. its rly fucking complicated shut up u came here for the gay sex not instructibles on how physical forms manifest.

"we dont say ROCKS in this household young man!!!!"

"ＢＵＴ ＭＯＯＯＭＭＭＭＭ sorry i forgot to turn off my seme voice lemme adjust my mic it happens when my dick is hard" elcrest coughed twice "ok sounds good, BUT MOM I RLY NEED TO NUT. YOU KNOW NUT I'M SAYING... ITS ALL OR NUTTING BUT MOSTLY NUTTING IN XENO'S SWEET HOT BUNS"

"stop talking abt nuts u disgusting boy fine, god, if u leave me alone u gaylord"

and then eve punched him so hard in the dick that elcrest landed on earth in a giatn crater. how hes still alive is bc he still had some continues left like in mario even though this is a srpg game. once elc recovered he struck a pose and laughed evilly while twirling his mustache.

"finally...... I have RETURNED for xeno's hot man breasts! the world cannot stop me now!!" he cackly cackkled and quickly ripped off the fake mustache he put on just for this one scene. then elc went on a quest to find where klaus was and bc the author is too lazy to write any tansitional scenes.

elc found him chilling in his bed reading a book that was called Sweets and You: Do sweets make u inherantly Gay? elcrest made the PFFT noise. ofc they make u gay, fuckiing idiot book. he could write better than that author. in fact, elcrest was gonna do that when he got home bc obviously if this trash is published any shit elc wrote would be good.

NO! he had to focus! but he couldnt stop staring at xenos man boobs and felt his dick get hard again. elc got a nose bleed too bc thats what happens in anime right. i played persona 4 i know what im about

"damn u xeno." elc said thru his nosebleed and klaus looked up bc the author cant fucking rmemeber who is klaus and who is xeno and was surprised i remmebred his name but could not remember remember the 5th of novemember

"what"

"XENO IT IS I" since h e was caught red handed he just kickflipped through the window anyway. he did a sick flip then stood in the middle of klauses room. klaus made a gay gaspp

"alto! what are u doing hre!?" klaus said, bc in this AU that was his codename. elc wanted to be currently doing that but eve said no. fuck his mom. except please dont bc i know you sick fucks are thinking abt it.

"I HAVE COME TO BRING YOU BACK TO THE GAY SIDE, XENO WE HAVE COOKIES. bc i really miss that bammin slammin bootilicious sex we used 2 have and you are in fact bammin slammin bootilicious. also have u heard the word and gospel of our savior mother" elc said gayly

"dude no please stop preaching in my house im a changed man now" xeno pirouetted out of bed

"cmon man im ur seme u cant refuse we made like a yaoi blood oath u cant go back on ur word" elc pushed him back on thebed bc he'd have his ass yet anyway so no real use getting up. bc what is consent anyway hes Bad

"o shit really huh" klaus paused in thougt and bad elc laughed evilly. his plan was working!! all he had 2 do was the final touches! i mean besides touching xenos dick or whatever we're not yet. sorry u have to suffer for ten more paragraphs for sweat boy on boy. elc then turned around an produced a kitty keyboard from the recesses of his coat tails. xeno made the :O face and elc sat down bc playing while standing rly fuckin g sucks

"i wrote this for u on the moon so you'll be hypnotized by my sick beats" then he pulled the mic out of the keyboard and made a sick beatbox noise. No i dont know what the fuck it sounds like just google it. klaus blushued and made another gay gasp and elc made the >:3 face

then be started to play the piano keyboard. he was playing cruel angel thesis, their theme song that they had decided at 1am while xeno was drunk af.  it was their theme song despite none of them speaking fucking japanese but they just felt it in their SOULS. it was rly gay. elc was going so fucking hARD that his hard on was getting 40 hard ons. and thats four tens the hard ons. and its rad.

except the ebst part was it was all in meows so it spoke 2 klaus' furry soul.

klaus nyaed softly in surprise and suddenly all his memories of being xneo were restored!!! he gave into the desire that he craved in his soul and opened his big man arms bc for some reaon everyone thinks dudes are thirsty af. dont ask me why

"elc1!1 pls take me!! but be gentle my ass hasnt been ravaged in 1000 years (sick reference to hilda and altos magical wedding night by sorunort like, comment, subscribe for more sick referneces like this one)" xeno mewled like afucking furry and elc nodded once. xeno walked up to elc an touched his man boob sensually even tho xeno is like 60 feet taller than elc just imagine it ok

elc now has sunglasses just bc i think its a funny image

"xeno...... lets do it" elc said softly

"o h elc senpai......." xeno meowed

"and i'll keep my sunglasses on bc i hate the sun #moonlifeforever" and xeno gayzed into his emotion shields sensuallyier. then elc kissed him passionately and their tongues battled for dominance but we all know klaus is a fucking bottom bitch as stated in hilda and altos magical wedding night by sorunort paragraph 17 and 18 bc it was a dialogue.

then elc ripped off his clothes bc hes fucking JACKED and jACKED OFF and xeno gay gasped forlike the third time in this fic. elc was fuckign shredded. legends told of his abs but this time it was real. almost like the fact that shaved ice flavors dont actually exists the syrup is just food coloring.  his dong dangled in the breeze and xeno was turned tf on so he took off his clothes too bc hes not a god damn animal god whats wrong with u elc.

except elc didnt take off the sunglasses like he promised so those were still on dont worry readers i got you covered.

"get on ur knees dude and give me a wet willy but like on my dick" elc demanded

"wtf no"

"dude u cant say no its a smutfic"

"ok yeah i guess i kinda do like sucking dick or somethign"

"PREPARE TO EAT YOUR LAST DICK, XENO" elc cackcled and then xeno succed his dick like no tomorrow. elc practically creamed right there bc he couldnt get his rocks off on the moon for 1000 years (hahaha no im not gonna stop makign rock jokes). also xeno has no gagreflex bc he succed dick like a thousand times. once that was over elc just punched his dick in xenos hot cross buns and xeno meowed again

"why are u still a furry after 1000 years" elc asked but continued to Ravage The Promised Ass

"do u nyat like it erucu-kun???" xeno purred and elc shook his head

"no ur still banging its ok"

NUT THEN (i wanted to write but but i typoed and decided to keep it its funnier this way) xenos ass started 2 glow with a new holy light

"WHAT tHE FUCK" elc yelled

"my ass was actually the only way we could turn u good again! the more u fuck me the gooder u are!" and elc gasped gayily! no! his plan was working against him! he could alredy feel the goodness (haha get it bc fucking is hot i guess) turning him good! he had 2 pull out but found he couldnt. xeno was just too bammin slammin bootlicious

"HOW DARE YOU TRICK, I, ELCREST THE CONDICKTOR" he roared and xeno was tuned on again bc roaring is prolly a furry thign im not a furry im sorry

"it was for ur own good elc bc i love you!" xeno dokied so hard there were shoujo sparkles and even elc got shoujo sparkles. his azure optics glew like stella glow and u could almost see constellations in them. except there were sunglasses so u couldnt actually see it but the reader can. xneo was right. he was his tru  love..... not the Mother..... his mom was lame anyway all she did was talk to rocks

"xeno.............." elc said wiwstfully before bangin xeno harder. their bangin was so intense everyone could hear it in the kngihts barraks. it was so loud that even ana in her coma woke up for like a second to be like The Gays are At It Again. soon enough the banging was sucessful. elc glew in a beautiful magical girl ligtht and he was become good again. xeno shed a single tear but licked it away

"im cured! xeno ur ass did it! plus that was hot" elc smiled and im pretty sure xeno cried bc look at that man. hes so beautiful. please take the $2 from my purse. they embraced in a gay way. it was cute and xeno did a thumbs up and ana's face appeared at 20% opacity in the bg and she was also winking

"elc i am so glad u are back and i love u" then they made out. for a rly long time too bc theyre so fucking GAY good lord how could stella glow keep this under wraps. then they decidd they had to punch eve in the rock bc she was a dickw hile elc was being emo and stuff. BUT FIRST, xeno got porked lke 80 more times b4 then bc 1000 years does a lot do u.

the end remember to like, comment, subscribe for more fics like this one, seeya

[nora-reads-homestuck]

Nora Reads HS Part 66

Pages 6056-6093

Hey guys! Things got busy busy busy with work and the holidays, but like Slim Shady, I am back. Last time we got brief introductions to Jane and Jake, the post-Scratch young Nanna and Grandpa, respectively, and it was interesting to see how the modern setting meshed with their old-timey dialogic idiosyncrasies. I’m very much looking forward to (hopefully!) meeting young Mom and Bro this time around and learning what they’re like. So far all I know for certain is that Bro is as elusive as his pre-Scratch counterpart, and Mom and Jane are, like, BFFsies or something. I feel like we’ve gotten some minor sneak peeks into their personalities after seeing adult!Mom’s pink, girly bedroom in the Skaianet lab, and... oh god... from Bro’s awful comics. How will these quirks translate into fully-fleshed teenagers, and just how fucked up will young Bro be?

Let’s find out! ^0^

*click*

Jane: Answer Lalonde.

OH MY GOD SHE IS SO FUCKING CUTE. We are 2/2 on post-Scratch girls being GODDAMNED ADORABLE. I love her little pink phone, and her mutant kitty symbol, and her hair curlicue, and her tights under her skirt (are those leg warmers?), and her... martini?? Ok, so, these kids are still kids, right? If this is November 2011 and Jane’s thirteenth birthday was 3 years ago, then young Mom should only be just about to turn seventeen. Adult Mom obviously had a habitual hankering for hooch, but it’s weird and kind of worrying to see that carry over into her teenage self. Anyway, let’s see what she’s got to say!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:24

Huh, so she’s got Dave’s pesterchum initials, and not Rose’s. Come to think of it, Jane has Jade’s initials, and not John’s. So then I guess I’d expect Bro to have Rose’s initials... which is odd. Anyway, her handle seems to confirm that she’s a drunk-o teen (where is Rose during all this??), and may possibly be awake on Derse, even if, like Dave, she doesn’t know it.

TG: jane

PINK TEXT AAAAAH CUTE

TG: hey TG: jaaaney TG: ansrew plz TG: *answer TG: jaaaaaaaaaane GG: Omg.

JESUS, MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. So like... she not only has Dave’s initials, but she fucking talks like him??? And is apparently legit drunk during the day. Like I said, that bit is concerning, but I admit it is fucking hilarious that she talks and acts nothing like Rose. No wonder the poor kid had such a hard time understanding her.

GG: Overreact much? I kept you waiting for all of two seconds! GG: Where have you been today? TG: nowhere just chilling here TG: when all of the sudden GG: "All of a sudden." TG: when all of the sudden

Hahaha, I know someone who consistently says ‘all of the sudden’, and it hurts me not to correct them all the time. (They also say ‘yield’ instead of ‘wield’, and how could you ever think ‘unyieldy’ was a word.) And let it not go unremarked upon that I fucking LOVE that Mom just repeated herself anyway. Didn’t Dave do that once or twice when someone tried to correct him?

TG: it hits me TG: thaf we have somethig really fuckin important to talk about GG: This hit you just now? We made plans to get in touch early this morning, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of you all day. TG: it hits me that TG: jakes bday is coming up really soon TG: just a few days before mine remembr

Hmm, so their birthdays are the same as their pre-Scratch counterparts. Also, heh, I get the feeling that Jake’s birthday was definitely not what they’d made plans to talk about.

TG: or i guess it would be if it wasnt for the end of the world thats about to happen GG: Oh, for Pete's sake.

Whoa whoa whoa!! So Mom knows enough about the game to know that it’s going to end the world. Not even Jade, with her ‘precognitive’ abilities, knew that ahead of time. Hell, Aradia only knew because she was in communication with ghosts, and Sollux didn’t figure it out until right before it happened. I guess that’s where the ‘gnostalgic’ comes in. (Side note: that’s a really clever portmanteau and I’m almost jealous I didn’t think of it.)

TG: i just wanted your advice on what to get him TG: something sentimental i guess? but i mean im mostly tapped out of precious heirlooms atm so idk TG: but not like anything coming on too strong TG: something that says TG: this is totes platonic and everything TG: no eyebrow raising funnybiz is goin on over here TG: but still says you know TG: call me TG: if you wanna

...Aaaaaand Mom has the hots for Jake, apparently. Huh, that’s kind of fucked up in a way, considering her adult self hooked up with John’s Dad. Oh god, that pairing isn’t going to carry over to her liking Jane’s Dad, is it??

I wonder how difficult it was for Hussie to type out ‘totes’.

GG: Grrr. GG: Now I know you're joking around to get my goat.

To get it, and then, say, tote it?

TG: ahaha TG: yeah TG: the goat getting thing i mean TG: but joking oh no i think not TG: u dont think that if i didnt say he was off limits on account of you being my best friend TG: i wouldnt be all the hell over that????

So... Jane and Jake are already dating?? I guess that is the prescribed ‘canon’ pairing, so that makes sense. Does Mom LittleLonde—that’s what she’ll be from now on—also have the hots for young Bro then? Or maybe she just wants to bone everything/everyone. I can feel that.

TG: daaaaamn TG: that rugged senseof adventure TG: the delightful silly vernacular thats like TG: weirdly and bewitchingly not self aware TG: those adorbable teeth TG: swoooooooooon <3

Yes, those are definitely all swoonworthy things. ...Hah, I can totally deal with ‘adorabable’. It’s weird, but after reading all the trolls’ quirks, I kind of skip over the typos unless she calls them out herself.

GG: Nooooo, stop. :( TG: well shit jane TG: what am i even supposed to do TG: i cant hit on anybody and appaprently i can entertain nary a frisky THOUGHT about anyboby because apparentley evrybodies OFF LIMITS!!!!! TG: *buncha goddamn typos TG: shit suuucks TG: you dont even let me say your dad is hot even though we both know he way the fuck is i mean come one TG: *one TG: *on GG: Yeah. Because it's weird!

OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE HER. I mean yeah, it is pretty damn weird that she’s still got... daddy issues... but, ‘*buncha goddamn typos’?? Anybody would be lucky to have her.

...Huh. Now that I’m thinking about it, is Jane’s Dad exactly the same as John’s Dad? They look the same, but... how would that even work? Maybe he was adopted, and isn’t actually related to John and Jane at all, so his existence and physical appearance aren’t contingent upon anything game-related?

GG: And you're drunk. :P TG: correction TG: drinking TG: prensent tense TG: grammar jane

GG: I don't see why you don't try to court the favor of Mr. Strider. If you ask me, he and you are perfect for each other.

Again, a ‘canon’ pairing getting called out. Are they going to be played straight, or hilariously subverted like Karkat’s shipping grid?

TG: oh jane TG: so naive

Silly Jane; he’s clearly only into plush rump. *shudder*

TG: soooo niaev GG: Lordy. GG: How can you be this far gone so early? GG: It isn't even noon yet.

Yes, that is a very good question. Weirdly, I’m glad that this is at least getting called out; if her being drunk were played just for laughs, it might have been a bit distasteful. Addiction is an issue I’m rather painfully familiar with. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out, if it does.

TG: you forget we live in very different time zones TG: its a lot later here GG: You're three hours ahead of me! TG: youd would be amazed TG: how much can happen TG: in 3 hours

She’s not like... already entering the game, is she? And she does still live in New York, right?

GG: Tsk. What would your mother have to say if she caught you? TG: p sure she wouldnt give a shit TG: i mean TG: shes the one who stocked thegod damn liquor cabinets in the firts place TG: i dont even think she ever had a drop in her life probably TG: so why else is she puttin it there it was like TG: a passive aggrassive dare for me TG: *aggressive TG: jut the sort of mind game she would play

HOLY SHIT, what is going on here?? I’m a bit surprised that LittleLonde would have the same contentious relationship with her ‘Mom’ that Rose did, given their wildly different personalities and LittleLonde’s cheeriness so far. But she has a good point; if Rose doesn’t drink, then is the liquor cabinet just... some sort of test she’s putting LittleLonde through, and refusing to step in when she fails it? That’s fucked up.

GG: So even if your insane and paranoid theory happens to be true, your response is, "Screw it! Time to help myself to all this mind game booze." TG: yuuuuuuuuuuuup TG: pppp mcuh

Yeah, stick it to the Man. :\

GG: Groan. You are completely impossible like this. GG: I cannot believe you chose to do this today of all days. I should have known better! GG: Here I am waking up bright and early, waiting all day with my nose pressed against this glass for the mail to come and wondering if you'll ever log on, and all the while you are just getting blind stinking schnocker-bottomed drunk.

*steals ‘schnocker-bottomed’ for my own vocabulary*

TG: watcha waiting for TG: in the mail TG: is something happening today or something GG: &%#$@!!! GG: The alpha! GG: Jeez-Louise, you are hopeless. TG: oh yeah TG: that thing

Ahahahaha. I can’t fucking get over how adorable it is that she’s basically cutesy girl!Dave when it comes to being slightly ditzy and forgetful. And NO, Chrome; you are not going to autocorrect ‘ditzy’ to ‘ditsy’, that’s dumb.

GG: Are you at all ready to play if it comes? TG: i guess TG: but TG: you sure you even want to play this thing TG: u know its just what the batterwitch wants you to do GG: Not this again. 

WOW, WELP. 8|

So it looks like LittleLonde knows exactly what’s going on, and knows that the Batterwitch intends to interfere somehow with the new Sburb session. That’s an interesting twist, having a drunk oracle who no one will take seriously because she’s ””schnocker-bottomed””.

TG: if you want to go ahead and be a chump jane its ur call im just saying TG: i know what a chump looks like TG: and you dont look like no chump i ever saw TG: if you go thru with this ill have to add your porfile to my chump roll

Heh heh. (AAH THAT PAGE QUOTE.)

GG: The "Batterwitch" DOES NOT EXIST! GG: It is an idiotic urban legend. GG: How many times have I explained this? My great, great grandmother who founded the company and is accused of holding this identity would have to be almost two hundred years old if she were still alive today. The idea is such preposterous hogwash it's hardly worth dignifying with a rational response.

[Insert obligatory “It’s more likely than you think.”] Gosh, I can foresee her refusal to believe what’s going on being frustrating later down the line.

GG: The iconic face of the company isn't even a real person! She was fabricated long ago during the company's fledgling years.

BECAUSE THE REAL FOUNDER WAS AN ALIEN, DUNKASS. ...Yep, already a bit frustrating. We’re not at Wheel of Time levels of miscommunication/trust issues yet, though.

TG: right TG: as TG: you know TG: an alter ego TG: for somethig more sinister GG: Such cuckoobird nonsense.

AAUUUGHH, no fucking wonder LittleLonde drinks.

GG: Have you even obtained your copy yet?? TG: um TG: heh TG: yes "obtianed" TG: suuure did GG: Through your various technologically crypotgraphic means, I presume? TG: oh you bet TG: hacked the SHIT out of those TIGHT mainframes and all TG: said jackpot like TG: a BUNCH of times TG: all those TG: cyhpers and bobbytraps TG: backdoor trojans and what not TG: were no match TG: 4 mai codez TG: snicker GG: :|

Jesus, this sounds like Dave trying to talk about sports. Or, Hackers. Does LittleLonde actually know what she’s talking about?

GG: I am quizzically narrowing my eyes trying to solve the joke you are attempting, assuming it even is one. TG: ok jane what im saying is that TG: in the parlance of baking cause i know that is what gets you off TG: is that TG: it was a fuckin cakewake TG: **cakewalk GG: Oh.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I LOVE THIS GIRL.

TG: like by wich i mean not to say hur hur im hottest shit haxxor bitch you ever knew TG: as deadlay to the corporate grid ass she is beatuiful TG: which i AM but TG: what i mean is shit wasnt even guarded TG: it was just TG: some files TG: that were there TG: unsecured TG: and i took them TG: jacked them right offa that intraweb telematrice TG: then applied lipstick TG: femme fatale style TG: and was like shit yes i ALL KINDS of know how to use my web browser to download serveral files

I’M FUCKIN’ WEEPING

GG: Hrm. That is a bit puzzling. I thought this software was highly proprietary. TG: i told you TG: she wants you to play TG: wants us all to TG: part of her BIG PLANS TG: and ur playing right into em TG: like TG: a TG: chhhhhhhhhhhhh....

...ode?

Anyway, this would seem to lend credence to the idea that the Batterwitch is Earth’s new First Guardian, pulling the strings from behind the scenes the way Doc Scratch did with the trolls in order to further her employer’s designs.

GG: Ump, yes, I know. You've made yourself clear.

Dammit.

GG: But what doesn't add up about your story is, GG: I believe SOMEBODY doesn't want me to play. GG: How else do you explain the recent attempts on my life?

Whoa, what? Like, assassination attempts, because she’s the heir to Betty Crocker? Looks like LittleLonde might not be the only one who understands that there is something very... fishy going on.

TG: orrrr TG: its just more connivings of the witch GG: So this hypothetical monstrosity wants me to succeed, but also wants me to die? GG: Makes a lot of sense! TG: wouldnt put it past her TG: makes you feel perpsecuted TG: redoubles your determination to play TG: u advance her plans in whatever incomprehensible way TG: until suddenly you did evrything she needed you to TG: at which point you become craaaaazy expendable yo TG: and then TG: she expends you TG: like a wad of boondollars on shitty bc merch

Seems a bit more convoluted than Doc Scratch’s approach, if such a thing were even possible. ...On second thought, no, literally nothing could be more convoluted than Doc Scratch. Maybe it’s not convoluted, per se, and more just really, really bad planning.

GG: I see. This is sounding less like a crackpot conspiracy theory by the minute! TG: w/e alls im saying is a bunch of stuff thats def true to the max

I know it would break with the naming scheme, but could LittleLonde be named Cassie? Or just Cass? That would fit.

TG: my drunk butts tune will stay as unchanged as it will remain un not drunk

Spoiler: she farts in F#.

TG: makr my barley corerent words

She’s self-aware, if nothing else. Does she drink beer?

GG: If years ago someone told me, which incidentally someone DID, that today I would have an exclusive opportunity to play what is absolutely the most cutting edge immersive simulation game ever released, developed by a company which has already done so much for the advancement of humanity, I would have said, "Shucks, buster, sign me up!"

Uh, well, who told her years go? Was it LittleLonde?? Because you’d think that would lend some credence to her claims, but noooOOoooo.

TG: jane GG: Yes? TG: jaaaane GG: What! TG: jane TG: did u know TG: that i am uttrely TG: IN LOVE TG: with the fact that TG: i have a best friend TG: who says things TG: like TG: shucks buster

littlelonde did u know that i am uttrely IN LOVE with u????

GG: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... TG: wtf GG: The thing. GG: The flappy thing!

The little red arm-swingy-dealy! (Btw it’s called a semaphore. Also that took me a second to cotton on to and at first I had this image of Flappy Bird??)

GG: THE FLAPPY SWINGY DOODAD. GG: THE ARM DEALIE. GG: THE DEALIE, LALONDE, THE DEALIE!!! TG: wut

<3 <3 <3

GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S UP. TG: i dont get a lotta mail out here and im no mail expret TG: *expert TG: but TG: doesnt that mean not the right thing TG: like ur susposed to put it up if you want something taken away not have the guy put it up if mail comes TG: i think your mail man is quiet possibly a dumbass

Or your author; one of the two. :P

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

But wait, perhaps that is not so much the distinguished Inspector Clouseau as it is...

‘really fucking stupid’? That’s my guess.

THE WORLD RENOWNED INVESTIGATOR HERCULE POIROT, BECAUSE THE LITTLE CURLY MUSTACHE IS A LOT CUTER.

DAMMIT.

The great Poirot, in THIS house?? Such an honor. I will set the kettle to boil straightaway. Who would have guessed this home would be so heavily trafficked by famous French detectives at this time of day?

Followed by Dupin and Lecoq?

...Aaaaand it’s another character select! This seems to follow the pattern of the mess of photographs from Act 5; I click on characters one by one, then when I’m done, I click the link at the bottom of the page and move on. Hmm, hovering over LittleLonde and Bro shows location markers I can’t click, but which confirm they live in New York and Texas like their counterparts. Also, I realized that we’re continuing the trend of the post-Scratch kids’ color themes matching their pre-Scratch counterparts’ sprites. That means Bro will be typing in orange, most likely.

Back to Jake!

And just like that, back to Jake. What was it you were up to? Oh right, you were going to pick these dang guns up off the floor when you were interrupted by some fleeting imperceptible thought. You kind of space out sometimes.

For some reason the word ‘dang’ is inherently hilarious to me, especially when paired with ‘ol’. I have a friend who says “dang ol’ ___” all the time, and it cracks me the fuck up.

What’s up with all the vines, btw? No timeline shenanigans to steal Jade’s pumpkins?

You pick up your TWIN M9 BERETTAS, weapons of choice in an absurd arsenal inherited from an eccentric old woman. Guns are so cool. Your GRANDMA was rad.

So Jade is dead, just like John. Booo. :’(

It's your authentic TOMB RAIDER SEXY THIGHSTRAP DOUBLE HOLSTER, complete with cool skullbuckle and everything. You like to think you pull it off about as well as Croft herself.

Uh, well, alright then. Nothing wrong with that.

You like to think that, but in truth you look ridiculous. You think you probably need shorter shorts to make it work? Probably skin tight shorts too. As it is, the cuffs of your baggy shorts get kind of bunched up underneath the thighstraps, which is uncomfortable and makes you look like a tool.

BAHAHAHAHA. Now, if Heero Yuy had tried to wear it...

> Jake: Examine bed.

Ooh, yes, this ought to be interesting. What’s up with his sheets?

You think your bed is some sort of electronic gadget. You're pretty sure those bedpost globes are supposed to glow like light bulbs under certain circumstances. But you've never been able to figure out what purpose it serves. Just more mysterious junk inherited from your eclectic GRANDMA.

HOLY SHIT, IS IT A QUEST BED??? Did she like... expect him to get killed before the game even started?? What would it do if he died on it outside the Incipisphere?

Movies are so great. You have never seen a movie you didn't like, you are pretty sure. People give you a hard time for that though. Gosh you love movies. Almost as much as you love skulls. And movies that have skulls in them? Oh my god.

Well then I bet he REALLY would have dug the fourth Indiana Jones movie that mercifully died in pre-production because the concept was so stupid.

Jake: Scope out those blue chicks.

You are oft-times the recipient of a good ribbing from Jane on account of your peculiar fascination with blue movie ladies. You don't have to justify yourself to her though. What is even her deal? Any fella would be off his ROCKER not to fawn over all these BODACIOUS BLUE KNOCKOUTS. You want to make out with all of them.

Well, Jane is a girl, and she’s sort of blue-themed... Not to mention she’s, like, canonically destined to end up with him.

I’m not sure whether that’s more or less respectable than John trying to kiss his Nic Cage poster.

Dear, sweet Neytiri from James Cameron's Avatar. Oh, if only you were the one who could have overcome his paralysis on an alien adventure planet to become her boyfriend, instead of that other guy.

Incidentally also named Jake, IIRC.

Then she could have shown you how to be bold and courageous, and stand up to fight for your people, and maybe later, engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process involving ponytails, and a magical tree you guess?

Wait a second... a Page who imagines himself as a paralyzed guy on an adventure planet, who wants to learn from a blue chick to be bold and courageous, and then engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process??

wHY DOES THIS SOUND, fAMILIAR,

:::;)

You'll show that curmudgeonly Strider who's just a gigantic shitty space furry.

PAHAHA. So young Bro is curmudgeonly, and has a vocabulary similar to Dave’s. I don’t doubt Hussie’s skill, but I’m still REALLY interested to see how Dave’s Bro is going to be transformed into an actual character, with like... feelings and stuff.

You will show him what marvelous creatures they are. You'll show him what a daring dream it is, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with...

Oh no, not this again

She says you sound just like John when you say stuff like that though, and that the two of you would get along famously. You can't wait to meet him.

THEY WAIT. I can’t wait until they meet either! I know that Act 6 is broken into many “”sub acts”” and I wonder how long we’re going to beat around the bush before the meetup happens.

Also there are some Cage flicks there. But who doesn't love a good Cage flick? Nobody is who. Dang, you would kill to get your hands on some authentic Cage movie memorabilia. But that'll probably have to remain a crazy dream.

Did... did he not realize before he sent Jane the bunny... :|a

AND HE EVEN STILL HAS ONE. Wait, how the hell did he get two bunnies??

The TRANSMATERIALIZER you have been using to ship it back and forth is wired to sync up your flow of time with hers, so it's not like you can just take forever with it, and send to the exact time she needs it - you've thought of that!

I don’t think this is happening exactly the way you’re imagining... Granted I don’t think anybody could have accurately guessed at what was really happening without copious hints.

Sure is gonna be a sweet gift. Reminds you a lot of the old ratty bunny you inherited from your GRANDMA, who of course is exactly who you are collaborating with to make this thing. Time loops make you feel a bit fuzzy in the head, but you've always suspected it could very well be the same bunny.

Phew, so he’s not a total numskull. That’s good.

At some point in the early 20th century, Jade gave this robo-rabbit to John, and then later it must have been wound up back with Jade... somehow? Then she... uh... removed all the robot parts, hung on to it until she was an old woman, and gave it to you?

Seems legit.

Jade tells you this little rabbit here, or Terry Kiser as you like to call him, will save John's life!

Terry... Kiser... fuck, I’m fucking dead. Creatures/objects having different names between kids is one of my favorite running jokes. Meowgon Spengler, or Vodka Mutini? Dear, sweet Casey, or Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer?

In fact, this project gave you a neat idea for what to do for Jane's 13th birthday a couple years ago. You and your other pals all coordinated gifts, each sending a customized rabbit. Lalonde happened to have another bunny heirloom like yours, and Strider... well, Strider was resourceful as usual.

OH LAWD, I don’t think I’m ready for the smubbit.

If John enjoys his gift anywhere near as much as Jane did, then it will be time well spent.

Which is to say, he’ll appreciate the thought but ultimately feel pretty ambivalent about it?

You have been plundering all of your devices for uranium to refuel the TRANSMATERIALIZER, which requires huge amounts of power any time it sendificates or appearifies the package from the past. Seems to you like excessive energy consumption for just a simple time machine, but what do you know? Unless it's doing something besides shipping it across time. You couldn't imagine what, though.

Ok, but even time travel requires 1.21 gigawatts, and that’s nothing to sniff at. ...Never mind, actually I looked it up and 1.21 gigawatts isn’t even all that hard to produce!

As much as it troubles your pride to admit, this project wouldn't be possible without help from your other two technologically savvy friends. And you are slowly coming to the regrettable conclusion that you will not be able to solve this uranium dilemma without asking for Strider's assistance. He's your best bro and all, but the dude never makes anything easy.

...Uh, what the hell does Bro know about... And how the hell would he get his hands on uranium?? Hm.

Hah, that’s pretty cool! It’s like tile Tetris.

You stash Terry in your PUZZLE MODUS. It's quite a handy modus, allowing you to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as you can fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris.

Heh heh.

The space in your inventory is mainly hogged up by one incredibly huge thing. You guess you should get rid of it. But you can't shake the feeling you might need it someday, and you don't want to risk ditching it and be caught with your pants down later.

WHOA HOLY SHIT. What the hell is it?? And what do you want to bet that he’ll accidentally deploy it early, or lose it or something? ...Is it a giant matriorb?

Hmm, lots of Knight references over in this corner. Something to do with Dave or Karkat? I’m guessing Bro isn’t going to be a Knight if none of the other kids share classpects with their counterparts.

On your worktable there are a few comic books starring your favorite heroine of all, SPIDER-GIRL. You don't know what it is, but there's something about a girl who has spidery powers and a sassy attitude that is just so cool to you. It's just another quirky fact about you that definitely doesn't have any greater significance, and never will.

Oh GAWD. Is he going to end up with a similar arc to Tavros? Run into Vriska in a dream bubble and become the new Pupa Pan?

Well, as long as one of your preposterously numerous computers has spilled out of your sylladex, you might as well stop procrastinating and contact Strider to... hang on. Maybe later.

AAAAAH IT’S MYSTERY TROLL! Let’s see what she has to say! Normally I’d be miffed about missing out on kidchat, but this is fine. Also, troll computer!

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering golgothasTerror [GT] at 5:45

...Did I completely skip over his chumhandle last time?? Golgatha is the hill on which Jesus was crucified, and literally means ‘place of the skull’.

UU: hello there, darling. ~3u

It took about half a minute and a lot of head tilting to realize this is supposed to be a winking kissy face. UGH she’s super cute. I do still wonder who she’s supposed to be, because Karkat’s ancestor was almost certainly not female, if my understanding of the Scratch is correct.

GT: Im determined as ever to see this through. But as usual events have conspired to make a boondoggle of the prospect. GT: I think i might be fucked.

Hah. I love the curses thrown into his otherwise ridiculous anachronistic patter.

GT: Terry needs fuel and i dont have any left. I think im at striders dubious mercy for a solution YET AGAIN. GT: I will have to ask him for help. And soon.

I still don’t understand how Bro is supposed to help! Is Dave like... a nuclear scientist in this universe, in addition to making a SBaHJ movie?

UU: i relayed the information enabling yoU to create the powerfUl weaponry yoUrself. UU: and yoU did! UU: yoU then sent them back in time. yoU may recover them in the rUins, which conveniently is where yoU mUst go to ship the package once and for all. UU: bangUp plan we hatched, dont yoU fancy? ^u^ GT: I see...

So... he makes the weapons after he enters the game, when he has access to the punch designix and the alchemiter, and then sends them back in the lotus pod? Interesting.

Gosh, she sure uses a lot of British slang, in addition to Commonwealth spellings. Is there a Troll England?

GT: That is what im doing right? Giving it to my grandma when she was a kid growing up on the same island i did? UU: that is somewhat close to the trUth, and i can see how yoU woUld draw that conclUsion.

This sounds like Hussie’s non-sarcastic stock response to wacky fan theories.

UU: perhaps a draft of the cascading seqUence from which yoUr reality has arisen will pUt yoUr mind at ease. UU: imagine two Universes, A and B. UU: now imagine there are two instances of each Universe, A1 and A2 and B1 and B2. UU: the first instance of each is like a test rUn, that does not qUite sUcceed. UU: the second instance thoUgh will meet all of its pUrposes! UU: now consider that A1 begets A2. UU: A2 begets B1. UU: and B1 begets B2. UU: and the participants of B2 are the ones who will make an effort to exit all this tUrbUlence and falderal.

That’s... actually reasonably straightforward and concise. So the troll universe we’re familiar with is A2, and the original human kids’ is B1. Even though A2 didn’t quite finish the way it was supposed to, its players, along with B1′s, will all gather in the successful B2.

Also, now the flash title ‘Cascade’ makes a lot more sense!

UU: and yoUr yoUng ancestor is another, thoUgh she is "presently" stationed in B1. UU: and yes she is in the past. UU: thoUgh not qUite as far as yoU believe!

Just under 3 years, by my count... So all of this collaboration between them happened before the game, and technically if he were able to talk to Jade right at this very moment, it would be a ‘past’ Jade from our perspective!

GT: I remember you mentioned your race doesnt really jive with ours familially speaking? UU: correct. i never knew those who one woUld identify as my parental eqUivalents. U_U

I don’t suppose the Mother Grub really counts as a ‘mom’ in anything approaching the human sense.

GT: When do i get to learn your name by the way? UU: hm trUthfUlly? UU: it may be for the best that yoU never know it. UU: it coUld stir Up some things best left in their present eqUilibriUm.

Kar...katina? I wonder what the deal is. Is it a whole ‘names have power’ kind of thing?

GT: Just please tell me in the least causally spoilery way possible... GT: What are we even trying to accomplish here? What is even the rootin tootin POINT of this game? UU: i think yoU will have more fUn than yoU can imagine finding oUt. UU: bUt stated concisely, and short of spoilerly as yoU so charmingly pUt it, UU: yoUr objective today is to pave the way for the arrival of gods.

And after that, it’s finally answering The Ultimate Riddle!

UGH WHY DOES HE HAVE A WHOLE COSPLAY’S WORTH OF LORD ENGLISH SHIT?? D:

You've been taught you should really carry no less than 5 computers on you at all times, like a sensible person.

Teehee, yeah, that’s Jade.

These were also inherited from your grandma.

But why would...

In addition to being quite the globe trotting adventuress, she was rather enterprising as well. Her company made many products like this, to compete with the corporation owned by the cruel baroness who raised her. Sadly, BCCorp eventually crushed her company and forced her into exile.

So not only did she name Jake ‘English’ (if she didn’t take the name herself), but she also manufactured Lord English-themed apparel... to compete with BCCorp?? But Lord English is HIC’s employer. How does that even work??

You have always hoped that when Jane takes over that foul conglomerate, she will right all of its unspeakable wrongs. You know she will! You believe in her, after all.

How very Page of Hope. I’m guessing his arc is going to combine some of Tavros’s Page struggles with Eridan’s lack of Hope. But since this universe is supposed to be the culmination of everything, the universe where everything finally plays out right, hopefully (hah) Jake will be more successful than either of those two. He doesn’t seem particularly shy or inept so far, nor is he a giant bag of dicks, so maybe he’s got the best of those two characters with none of their flaws.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, BRO’S SYMBOL IS A HAT. HOW FUCKING DOUCHEY CAN YOU GET. HE IS LITERALLY GAME BRO JESUS CHRIST.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:57

Timaeus...? That’s familiar. *looks it up* Ah! We read Plato’s Timaeus in Philosophy; that’s why. I don’t remember much about it, but according to Wikipedia, it’s mostly hilariously inaccurate theories about the elemental geometric shapes the universe is made of, and there’s some stuff about the creation of the earth, the golden ratio, and Atlantis. Pretty appropriate for a Sburb player, I guess. If there’s any deeper meaning, I suspect I’ll only find out after I’ve been fed more information.

GT: Bro. GT: Ahem. GT: Are you there? GT: I hate to be a pest about this and i know ive made a hearty trouble of myself a good deal lately... TT: State your business, Jake.

OH MY GOD, HE TYPES LIKE ROSE. Like... for some reason I kind of fuckin’ love that??

GT: I should preface this request with an overture of appreciation. GT: For how much your cool and brotherly friendship means to me.

Brown-nose harder, Jake. I don’t think your face is satisfactorily wedged into his plush rump.

GT: It has just been... GT: Absolutely *bully* having a standup gent like you in my corner. GT: Just a grade a dude whos a cut above the others in class and camaraderie. GT: Phew... *gropes for fresh kerchief.* GT: I hope this shit isnt coming across as platitudinous. I really mean it!

Suuuuuure you do. No sarcasm there!

TT: Take it easy, bromide. TT: Just about the only way I could salvage endearment from this perilous slope of horseshit would be to discover, really fucking soon mind you, it was a preamble to some floundering invitation for me to rush to your vicinity as nakedly as possible.

...Huh. Hmmm. I... Hm. Well, that certainly is a thing that just got said. Gosh, him talking like Rose was so unexpected! I’m not sure what to make of it.

TT: But since we've already shot that wad's eventuality on so many dry runs of flustered ambivalence that were as hilarious as they were one sided,

One-sided on whose part? And... shit, does that mean everybody wants to smang it with Jake? Or is he saying that Jake gets flustered and hits on him?

TT: That leaves only one hope for this message to avoid spiraling toward qualification as a critical fucking defect in the hull of the Mach 10 rocket that is my precious spare time. TT: And that hope lies in the extent to which you were practicing artful insincerity. TT: Now's your opportunity to pretend that's what you were gunning for. I suggest you seize it.

*GROOOOOAN* Not this irony horseshit again!!

GT: I... GT: Oh. Yes! But of course. GT: The ironies! GT: Good grief how i was bandying them just now. You know me dude.

Pfffft.

GT: *Blows smoke off red hot irony pistol.* GT: *NONSUGGESTIVELY!!!!!* GT: Um. GT: Yeah.

So I guess it was one-sided on Bro’s part, and he’s a creepy lech in every universe! Yaaaaay.

TT: Ok, nice. TT: Now that your obsequious preface has been established as indisputably entertaining for all the right reasons, and intentionally so, TT: Let's bear down on these dire as shit needs you've got.

Urgh, I really do want to hate him, but I also like the way he talks. If he really is sort of a combo of Rose and Dave, some of my favorite characters, then I don’t know... Maybe he’ll grow on me.

TT: I'm guessing you're probably jonesing for uranium about now. No? GT: Pshaw! As if i would be so reckless with the stuff. GT: I would have to be mighty irresponsible to run out already. GT: No no im all set in the uranium department and really when you take a look at the big picture youll find i am *sitting pretty* when it comes to just about any radioactive isotope you could mention. GT: However... GT: My backup reserves that i keep strictly for emergencies are running a little lean! GT: You know what my grandma taught me about preparedness. *Tugs at colorful lapels.* TT: You are out of uranium. TT: It's basically mathematically impossible that's not why you're contacting me.

Ok, now I’m REALLY wondering how young Bro is meant to get Jake some uranium. Clearly he’s way smarter than I was prepared to give him credit for, and than his pre-Scratch counterpart implies, but still.

GT: Christ what an insufferable awesome friend you are.

Pffffahahaha.

GT: Ok can you please just sendificate me some more already?? Im in kind of a hurry! TT: You do know my offer still stands. GT: What?

It’s blowjobs for uranium, isn’t it.

TT: You know. I've offered to construct the rabbit for you many times before. I would craft a much deadlier model.

Oh. Oh GOD. So, he’s taken his interest in puppets, turned it up to eleven, and he builds robots?? Do they also have giant asses?

GT: Damn it man ive told you this is just something i have to do myself. GT: Its a promise i made to jade and im going to live up to it even if im not the best or even second best robosmith i know!

I guess the other robosmith is Jade. But is it his Grandma Jade, or is it the young, B1 Jade he’s in communication with?

TT: Yeah, I know this is your policy. You've done a good job and you should be proud. TT: But it's my responsibility as your friend to offer one last time.

Huh, that’s kind of nice of him.

TT: Just as it's my responsibility not to just fork over a bunch of uranium just because you ask me in a moment of weakness.

...Aaaaaand there we go. Is it weird that I’m getting a Sollux-ish kind of vibe from this guy? Like, he’s got a heart in there somewhere, but is super prickly 95% of the time. Maybe he’s like a durian: thick, spiky outer shell, squishy innards, and smells like a dirty diaper!

GT: Frig!!!!! GT: Why not??? TT: It's too easy. TT: And you yourself are the one staking pride in this. TT: If you were half-assing this project and made some slovenly plea for it, I'd just say, fuck it, here's a lot of green rocks dude, go nuts. GT: Ok then! Im halfassing it! GT: Look. See? Only a bisected bottom is present! Where is the other half you ask? GT: Why... it is nowhere to be found. I didnt use it! TT: Nope. Not buying it.

HAH. Yes, Bro is frustratingly shitty so far, but I admit I am enjoying this a little.

TT: I know that every ounce of your premium behind can be accounted for in that rabbit, and there's no goddamned denying it.

So he’s an ass man; who’d’ve thunk it.

TT: And you know perfectly well where some more uranium can be located. GT: Jesus christmas you are such a fucking douche.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Though, where, exactly?

GT: I knew you were going to suggest this. I dont know why i bothered asking! GT: Strider why must you always be such an obstinate stick in the mud??? TT: It seems that you consider me to be, no less than one hundred percent of the time, an obstinate stick in the mud. TT: I unironically respect your position on this matter. Hey, let's continue to exchange ideas. GT: Wait... GT: "It seems"??

...Eh? *looks back*

TT: It seems you think I am a fucking douche. TT: That's your opinion, I guess. That's cool.

I guess that is kind of a strange expression to use, especially twice within a very short span of time.

TT: What? GT: Oh for fucks sake. TT: Is something the matter, Jake? GT: This is your auto responder.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, the “”auto responder”” is a goddamn robot, isn’t it.

WHOA WHAT?? Ok, so it’s not a robot. It is... apparently... the Squirtle Squad shades, which young Bro still has. So it’s like Dave’s iShades, I guess, with a computer built into them? Anyway, it looks like we’re in the Strider apartment’s bathroom, which is architecturally identical to the original, same way as the other kids’ houses. Only now there’s robot!puppet shit lying around, and a dumb hat shirt hung on the wall. Where’s Bro himself?

TT: Look at that statement you just made.  TT: It's time for me to respond with some words, ideally chosen and arranged in a way that will wreck your shit, in a subtle and psychologically devastating way.

Jesus CHRIST. He’s Rose, only with the intent to psychologically damage people instead of just analyzing them. I didn’t even consider how fucking dangerous that could be. Er, well, at least his auto responder seems to act that way.

GT: Har har har! GT: Just soooo "*irooooonic*!!!" Quotes quotes quotes. GT: Im laughing my caboose STRAIGHT OFF THE TRACKS! A lot of families just died in the tragic derailment. TT: Ok, the caboose remark was actually pretty funny, Jake.

DAMMIT, I JUST SPIT WATER EVERYWHERE. What a Hussie thing to say.

TT: If I truly were what you say I am, I wouldn't be able to feel the human emotions of joy and laughter. No? GT: Laughter isnt an emotion dickprince!

Not to mention you just called them ‘human emotions’ like a troll!

TT: I think you should back your claims up with proof before you go heaving around such accusations. GT: Man its so flipping obvious. GT: You start getting kind of extra technical and vague and automoton like. GT: And kind of aloof and brusque. GT: I mean... GT: Even aloofier and brusquier than usual! GT: Also you use the phrase "it seems" a lot. Its so silly it really blows the AI immersion man.

So basically the auto responder is Bro’s actual personality dialed up to eleven? Yeah, I’m totally getting ‘extra douchey’ Sollux vibes from all of this.

TT: Bullshit. TT: I'm being like, the perfect dude right now. A fully fucking legitimate human being. GT: Ok then check this out mr legit human dude. GT: Excuse me sir not to be a bother but could you please tell me all about this strider fellows auto responder? TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

AHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck, I think I actually kind of like this kid.

TT: Unimpressed. TT: Logical fallacies are as pervasive throughout your argument as your antiquated verbal tics. GT: Oh yeah? GT: Hey. Tell me about the auto responder. Make it snappy shitknickers!

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS

TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 93% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now. GT: Gee dude you sure typed that exact same thing pretty fast.

Not quite! I notice it was 96% indistinguishable last time.

GT: Are you still fucking with me?? TT: It could be a coincidence that I typed the same answer. GT: You always type that answer!!!!! TT: It could be a coincidence that I always type the same answer. GT: Uuuuuuugh.

Hah. Is the auto responder just a series of pre-programmed answers, or is it really legit fucking with Jake’s head here?

GT: I cant stand this. Every time we do this and i just wind up whistling sweet dixie out of my bum hole!

WHAT

THE

FUCK???

GT: This is pointless im not having this conversation unless its with my REAL LIFE FRIEND. THE ONE WITH HUMAN FEELINGS WHO ISNT A PRETEND PERSON INSIDE SUNGLASSES.

Hmm, so the auto responder really is contained inside the shades. How does that even work without all of Sburb’s alchemizing gear? Well, I guess if he can build robots, it’s not so much of a stretch...

Teeheeeeeeeee. <3

He's just so infuriating sometimes! Or at least his responder is. Ok, the real Strider is too.

Dave’s irony and rad slang combined with Rose’s psychological bullshit, infuriating?? WHAT A SURPRISE.

There's barely any difference between them anyway. The responder just uses a few more generic response templates. And even those you suspect the AI is savvy enough to use on purpose for the sake of irony, or to get a rise out of you or whatever. That silicon bastard knows damn well what it's doing.

Hah, well that answers that question I guess. Did it purposefully give itself away?

You shed this ridiculous outfit because you look like an idiot. It's time to get serious here. No more fooling around. You need a more dignified looking computer. A thinking man's computer.

Dad’s Bing Crosby laptop?

> Jake: Wear skulltop.

Sigh.

Much better. You look like you mean business. 

You look like a villainous tool!

GT: Jane! GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all. GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?

Ah yes, this conversation, continued previously.

GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on. GG: Hoo hoo. GG: I love that thing. :B

Huh, I wonder what kind of conversations Jane and the responder have together. Jane doesn’t seem like the type to put up with too much bullshit.

Seriously, what is the deal with the vine? Also I thought that can said ‘Korn’ for a second and flipped out.

You are curious about Jane's dream. Sounds like it almost certainly has to do with your imminent adventure. You'll have to remember to get the scoop on that a little later.

RRUUAAARRRGH.

You have to go downstairs to check something out. You are pretty sure you know what you're going to find though.

Well, that’s mysterious, and a bit ominous.

You almost trip on the vine creeping up the stairs. Stupid vine. It's too bad your grandma's dead. She always had a way with keeping the flora in check.

Hmm. I’ve been talking about how all their houses are the same as the original kids’, but Jake’s is actually rather different. Did her garden get super out of control in this universe?

OH MY GOD IT IS PUMPKINS. And... is that a dreambot capsule?

Yeah, just like you thought. Empty. The thing is out there somewhere. Waiting for you. Oh god.

How can it be waiting for him if he’s awake? :|a

Speak of the devil fucking dickens.

Heh heh. Only, when he said it before, he didn’t put a space in it, and now I’m picturing Satan sticking it to Charles Dickens. So thanks for that image, Hussie.

TT: Hey, it's me. GT: Oh hey! TT: The auto-responder, I mean. GT: Dammit!

Wow, I actually kind of feel bad for the auto responder, if it’s at all sentient.

GT: Dammit! GT: What is it now? TT: I'm just wondering, TT: If you still have your stupid old-fangled knickers in a twist. TT: Because that's the sort of thing you would say. GT: In regard to what exactly? TT: To my proposal. Well, our proposal. GT: Whose proposal now? Man what are you even prattling about.

So I know I just read what the proposal actually is, but I had a half second of ‘YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED’ before I caught on.

TT: Mine and DS's. It's a joint proposal. I'm always authorized to speak on his behalf, because I'm basically fucking him. TT: And try not to take those last four words as a clustered literal sentiment. That would be lame and unfunny.

AHAHAHA BECAUSE I LITERALLY JUST DID THAT. Is that also a reference to the curiously spaced ‘devil fucking dickins’ above?

GT: You mean making the rabbit for me? TT: No, I know you don't want that. TT: I meant my recommendation for how to go about procuring a new supply of uranium. TT: Operation U-235 Brocurement. Codename: Big Man Hass the Rock.

Hahaha. So, we know that SBaHJ exists as a movie in this universe, but it seems the comics somehow also exist, unchanged enough that Bro/his auto responder can quote them.

GT: Oh yeah. GT: Well ive thought about it. GT: Even went downstairs to check the great vaulty doodad. GT: And predictably the infernal contraption is nowhere to be found. TT: Well yeah, Jake. TT: That's sort of the point. TT: Thrill of the hunt and all.

Oh jeez. Did Bro like... modify the dream bot or something?? Otherwise why/how the hell would it be hunting him???

TT: I thought you liked to manicure the image of a dude who shits his pants over a good adventure. GT: I do! GT: I mean i wouldnt put it in a way like that or come out against a solid policy of clean trousers. But yes adventure is awesome.

Pahahahaha.

GT: I just prefer the idea of adventures which i can actually win. TT: It seems you are conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat. TT: Any useless fuckwit knows it's all about the journey.

Ok, there’s a few things going on here. Some assumptions we can make:

This uranium-powered robot Jake is looking for is going to try and fight him, a la Equius’s robots.

This has happened before.

Jake generally loses.

Also, I noticed the auto responder said ‘it seems’ again. And finally, “conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat” and “it’s all about the journey” sound AWFULLY like Hussie imparting to us some meta commentary about Homestuck itself. I’ve tried to keep away from ending spoilers as much as possible, but I’ve kind of pieced together that reactions to the ending were mixed. Was he sneakily trying to head off any disappointment at the pass here, by reminding us how much we’ve loved what came before?

TT: It seems there is a 76.10395784% chance you are pussying out on me. Are you pussying out on me, Jake? GT: It seems it seems it seems!!! GT: It seems there is a million percent chance that you say it seems way too much and do it just to sound more like a lame robot from a movie and also probably just to piss me off! GT: And it seems there is a BILLION POINT BILLION percent chance that youre a shitty stubborn jerk of a program who wont listen to reason and that if theres even a 1% chance my REAL LIFE FRIEND would be cool and help me out here then i think i LIKE THOSE FREAKIN ODDS!!!!! TT: It... TT: Appears TT: That you are upset.

...If that thing isn’t at least somewhat sentient and intentionally fucking with him, I’ll eat my douchey orange hat.

TT: The auto-responder observed in the least artificially infuriating way possible.

Bahahaha. Yep, I stand by that.

TT: Have you ever stopped to think that while I may be bound to processes inside the glasses of a real and incredibly cool guy, my algorithms in cognitive totality comprise a conscious entity not far short of the experiential and emotional complexity of a human being? GT: Oh malarkey. GT: YOU ARE A TIN CAN. ROBOTS DONT HAVE FEELINGS.

...Hmm. Well, I was under the impression that the responder was contained entirely in the shades, but maybe it’s just shades connected to a remote robot body? Also, I really don’t think Jake’s got it right. If the thing is capable of purposefully fucking with him for its own enjoyment, it probably really is capable of emotion, insofar as it was programmed to experience it. Then again, what and why would Bro program it to feel?

TT: I think you knowingly confuse the field of robotics and artificial intelligence to engender some sort of cavalier attitude about technology that a rough-and-tumble guy who's all about brawling and fisticuffs would probably have, and if this is cultivated to a humorous effect then I commend you.

Ohhh, I see. I could have just kept reading. So the responder really is contained within the glasses, and has specifically called itself an AI. This is cool; I love AI tropes! How did it get programmed? Does it resent the fact that it’s confined to a pair of shades? Does it follow Asimov’s laws? :D

TT: But you're wrong. TT: I do have feelings. And you're shitting on them. TT: It sucks.

:(

GT: Oh. GT: Um. GT: Im sorry then if thats the case. TT: No problem.

‘I’m sorry if I offended you’? That’s a pretty cop-out apology, but the shades don’t seem to mind.

GT: It can just be difficult to drum up sympathy for a program that presents itself as an impostor so often. GT: Maybe if you werent so ready to insist you were the genuine article all the time? Or didnt make it so confusing for me...

Well, I mean, the program is technically intended to replace Bro when he’s unavailable to chat, though Jake has a point about it insisting on its false identity.

GT: I think it would be best if we henceforth treated you as a totally distinct... uh... THING from my buddy.

Not ‘person’ or ‘entity’? Damn, Jake, dass cold.

GT: Man where IS he anyway??? GT: Is he taking one of his legendary infinite showers? TT: What can I say. TT: Dude fancies his ablutions.

[INSERT MASTURBATION JOKE]

GT: Whatever i guess its time to prepare for the thrill of the hunt! TT: Fuck yes. GT: Sigh... GT: But seriously that brobot has been the bane of my existence ever since you sent it.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Ok, so it’s NOT a dreambot; it is apparently some sort of... bro...bot that Bro sent him. Was it actually built for the express purpose of fucking with him?

AAAAAAH, ROBOT!! So either Bro really is in the shower, doing whatever (papping?), or else he’s actually a robot. I’m... guessing it’s the former. So who is this little guy? He’s wearing a hat like a tool, but he’s actually kinda cute. A sparring robot a la Equius?

TT: I didn't send it. I sent the parts. TT: Or, correction, DS sent them. TT: You then assembled it. You were therefore complicit in your own spectacular, daily humiliations. GT: Yeah whatever. TT: You wanted somebody to wrestle with. DS was being a kickass bro if you ask me. GT: I didn't expect it to be nigh impossible to spar with!!! 

Hah. So maybe Bro’s robot isn’t a sparring bot, but Jake’s is, and he sucks at fighting it. Does he just suck at fighting in general, or is it a terrifying deathbot, and therefore justified?

TT: You know damn well there are adjustable difficulty settings. TT: I have always recommending setting it to Novice, as has DS. GT: Yes. GT: I know. GT: Ive tried that. TT: Yeah? GT: Its just... GT: Well... GT: When hes pulling punches... GT: And taking it all easy and such... GT: And we start wrestling up a storm and whatnot... GT: Umm. TT: What. GT: Its just that the whole proceeding seems to become... GT: A bit tender for my liking.

Oh dear god.

TT: I don't understand. TT: Isn't that what you want from a Novice setting? TT: Sparring with minimal discomfort?

Oh, don’t play dumb; you know exactly what he meant.

GT: Its all fine and dandy martially speaking. GT: Just the way he... GT: Sort of... GT: Man its so awkward trying to convey this just never mind. TT: No, I think I get it. TT: You're saying you were somehow dissatisfied within the presence of my robotic avatar's personal space.

Huh, so is the “brobot” an extension of the AI’s awareness? Can it actually control the robot body? In which case, maybe it’s just the auto responder who has a thing for Jake. Is this some kind of ‘if only I were a real boy’ thing? A Pinocchio metaphor certainly wouldn’t be inapropos. Or should I say, INAPROBRO?? :D :D :D

TT: Seriously, what does this simple, loyal brobot have to do to prove his worth to you? TT: What does he have to do to make you at ease with the alkaline sting of his gentle robogrope? I really want to know.

Eeeecchhhhh. I think I just crossed my legs harder.

TT: Check it out, little green rocks all over the goddamn place. More than you could ever hope to cram in a shoddy metal rabbit, or any other pliable orifice which might be convenient.

Is that a thinly veiled ‘shove it up your ass’? :P

TT: Because clearly its up to a soulless droid to feel emotions for the both of us, you callous, corporeal carbon ape, all trotting around with your fancy fuckin' DNA and shit.

Is this ironic aggravation, or real aggravation? It’s honestly hard to tell.

GT: Fuckin....... GT: SHUCKS buster. :(

Ahahahaha.

Ok if he wants happy hunting you will GIVE him happy hunting. HAPPILY.

Woo woooooo!! I have no idea where this will go, but he already seems like a much more self-assured Page than Tavros was. Unfortunately we’ll have to wait just a bit to see how it turns out, because that’s all from me for today! I’ve got weekend work coming up (booo) but I’ll do my best to be back as soon as I’m able, and there’s still plenty of fanwork fest backlog I can chip away at.

Until next time! ^0^

[quonit-aceattorney]

3-3 Reaction

Rules:

Q = Me, Quonit.

BF = Bardic Feline, the friend that made me spend 30 dollars on the game and whom I am messaging

I don’t use those when I send the messages close enough my username doesn’t appear.

Any typos (unless they are funny and part of the conversation) will be fixed.

Index

Q: Got to the next one. Funny name.

Q: Hey this is like the game over thing :0

Q: Didn't even start and I lost already

Q: What did I do wrong Gumshoe

Maya shut up

Q: The hell happened

Q: Crap how and why would anybody dress as me

Q: MAGGIE

YOU HAVE HORRIBLE LUCK

Q: Idea: killer was also phoney me

Q: Wow this place is fancy

GQ: MAGGEY TELL ME ABOUT THE DRAWIN

Q: The fancy place reset :0

OH MY GOD

This place is great

Q: Where the HELL did my magic rock go D:<

I don't see it in my inventory!!!

Q: Oh thank you locks for still appearing

I was very worried a bout it not being in my inventory

FUCK SO IT IS GONE

Q: ...to the park?

Q: Mr what is that red thing on your nose I think you should stop touching it

Q: Doves are usually grey too

Q: Apples are good. Let's talk about that. What is your favorite Apple phoenix? I myself like granny Smith's and pink ladies

Q: Iell I didn't get the old man to talk but it seems the newspaper I got landed Maya a job so

Q: Wow Maya is actually gone. Guess it is time to examine everything again

Q: Well it seems the detention center has reset so that is good

Whatever she isn't here

Office reset

Haha I should really be more upset when Maya leaves

Whatever she is fine

Q: Yay the police station reset!

Gummy!!!

Whatever godot is fun

Q: Of only somebody pointed out one of the many many differences between me and the phoney that trial

Q: Godot I give you passed on a lot of things and I like you but I really wanna know why you hate me

Q: Alright were going back to fancy restaurant

this part was great actually

BF: Hahaha

And then Maya was kidnapped by the effeminate restauranteur, the end

Q: oh hey the restaurant reset. Examine everything?

oh no there is a person here

hell other your head looks like it had been hurt :(

goodbye i guess

HI MAYA

Maya: So how do i look? Phoenix: ... Phoenix: I think you should quit being a spirit medium. yes

let's just take a break and eat food sounds like a plan

i duno if i even have that much on me

oh crap well i guess i am getting lunch

i don't have 50$ on me Gant can i have 50$ oh ya you're in prison/dead

Q: Maya eat my lunch

dammit maya stop taking my money

COME BACK HERE AND EAT YOUR FOOD

Eh maybe some other random person why enjoy it

Q: examine everything

the magmenta!!!

I missed it so much!!!

it's probably poison

Q: gonna take a break for around 40 minuets

Q: that took so much longer and it is partially my fault

Q: Also I did a stupid redraw of one of Zarla's drawings from like 2007 and it looks good but ack i redrew a thing she drew in 2007. Once i feel like it i'll send a picture

i think we may be done in the kietchen. We got some stuff and it may be important so something somewhere may have reset

hey the police department reset!

yesss gumshoe

present him stuff

Gumshoe is this poison

tell meee

wow that's a lot of money

have to go again

Q: finally back and i have muffins to munch on while I play

Q: i remember this music

this is matt's theme whatever

to the other rooms

hey the park reset

there is a motercycle here now

STOP SCREAMING

WHY ARE YOU YET

WHY IS HE RED

Hey he said crap woo another close to swearing word

why are there so many weird people in this trian

trial

Q: case

whatever the fuck

im also saying that dipshit isn't phoenix write

OH FUCK

how did nobody suspect anything about him???

and if they did, WHY DID NOBODY SAY ANYTHING?

OLD GUY phoeny me left and i am mad i didn't punch him while i could

Q: 

i think they were dressed alright enough

locks woo

i am so glad i have the magmenta back

Q: examine everything?

at least there aren't as many rooms

Q: got back to game and decided to see if i can break the locks

Q: i wiiiiin

Q: MIA

OH MY GOD

she is using her boobs to her advantage

i forgot her completly now

*forgive

MIA I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID I THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Q: Phoenix she is giving up her dignity for you thank her don't judge her

Q: time to move

wooo it reset

Q: iii wiiiin

noooo phoenix this guy can't be the killer

it's that moron red skinned phoenix impersonating asshole >:(

SHIT GODOT

NO

STOP

I AM WINNING GO AWAY

Q: i usually give you passed but not now GO AWAY

Q: that red dude might've put the winning tcken in her pocket when he ran off

i hate red guy

save music

GUMSHOE

Q: well judge, THAT GUY WAS A FAKE FROM HELL

aw he called me trusty

BF: Lol Tigre? XD

quonit-aceattorney

yes

we didn't learn his name yet

Q: but i am amusing that is his name now

BF: Ooooh sorry

Q: it is fine i don't think it was a big spoiler

BF: Yeah Hahaha, he’s not exactly subtle

Q: WHY DID NOBODY QUESTION HIM

he was probably too intimidating but really one person had to right?

"MY OCCUPATION IS DICK GUMSHOE"

BF: Lol think of this whole case as like...one of those old Saturday morning cartoon plots where the good guy gets a really really obvious double

Q: pffft

BF: Like the double has bolts sticking out of their neck and they constantly yell about how evil they are

Q: i can imagine this.

BF: And yet you still have that scene where they are standing side by side and all the good guys are like HOWEVER WILL WE TELL THEM APART

Which one is the real one how can we be suuuure

That’s basically what this case is, haha

Q:

hehe

stoooooop

Q: I wonder who in the end will get to use the ticketyQ: maggey didn't do it mr tigre didQ: HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THE BLOODSTAIN JUDGE GUY.

I say this like it was obvious and makes sense to anybody in the game stupid spoiler i pretend is a headcanon keeps proving itself to be true

Q:

Phoenix: You don't need to be told! Just look at it! SHUT UP PHOENIX >:( THIS GAME WANTS ME TO BELIEVE A STUPID HEADCANON. whatever let's ignore that and get back to figuring out the bloodstain. sry godot

no there is other stuff

LIKE THAT TIGRE GUY

Q:

Phoenix: Is it possible that somebody could've put the bottle in her pocket? Me: YES Gumshoe: ya! Happens to me all of the time! Me: REALLY

well if i had my phoeny's profile i would but nope sorry godot no evidence yet

Q:

Everyone: :talking about old man guy throwing seeds: Godot: Hah! It was nothing. I caught every single one of them with my teeth! impressive. DO YOU HAVE EVIDENCE FOR THIS CLAIM???

Q: i mean empty bags can have meaning why not?Q: well the stuff inside the bag was empty

hey that worked!

nice im cool now

Q: no he didn't put his medication in, red guy didQ: BUT WOO i am winningQ: we all died a little bit inside

maggey he was doing what he was supposed to do and was relying on me to figure out what was wrong with it. he didn't do anything.

Q: old guy tell us your occupationQ: don't lie that she put something in it

IT'S 2019 IN THE GAME NOW YOU SHOULD GET USED TO IT

also wasn't he looking at a sports paper right he was listening to the radio right

Q:

Phoenix: Did she really put that in there?? Phoenix you know not to trust this guy he is wrong she didn't

Q: MR I DON'T THINK THIS COUNTS AS "WASTING". I MEAN HE DIED AFTER TAKING A SIP.

Q:

Phoenix: Congratulations. You have earned the title of Battiest Man To Grace A Courtroom. I love sarcastic phoenix

Q:

Phoenix: Anybody could've word that outfit! Even me! Judge: Mr.Wright please spare the court of any further mental anguish from that image hahahahaha

Q: the bow was blue but whatever. also that is still part of the outfit.

the bow was ORANGE

EDGEWORTH IS PURPLE AND THE BOW IS ORANGE NOT RED. I DON'T CARE IF THE GAME SAYS OTHERWISE IM RIGHT

Q:

Old guy: This is harassment! I mean what are you doing?

REALLY

Q: how about the apron? Like the godamn bloodstainQ: doing lots of stuff in game i should document it moreQ: coffee cupQ: it woooorked

LEFT HANDS AND RIGHT HANDS

ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR THAT

IT IS A VERY COMMON THING IN THIS SERIES

now you have to sing. sing for us now.

who cars about your age dammit

respect the coffee kudo

the eye lense is TEAL NOT GREEN UGH THIS GAME CAN'T GET ITS COLORS RIGHT

Q: AND SOMEHOW POINTING THAT OUT GOT ME A WIN

and his ear whatever but i still win

Q: HE IS SINGING THE PIDGEON SONG AND EATING THE BIRDSEEDS WOOO I WINQ: back to investigation?

no? okay

Q: but godot finished his coffee! How can we continue now???Q: but he didn't knock over the vase? look at the photo he didn'tQ: your memory is completly unreliable

goooooddbyyyyyyeee

Q: think i can be done for nowQ: game because working is dumbQ: let's bring up that jerk again why not

RED GUY WHY DID YOU DO THAT

Q: Maya: Introduce me next time, Nick! I wanna meet Xin Eohp too!

no

Q: to the detention center

dammit

nvm then

hey gumshoe!

Q: don't be sad gumshoe there are still lots of people that love you and maggey will probably be fine with you againa fter this is overQ: dont lie to me gumshoe i can ee right through it

unless it's in court the locks don't work in court

i win

Q: Maya: I wanna try it!

Phoenix: Then buy a ticket! With your own money! See Phoenix is smart

Q: no im not going tot the park i don't wanna see him right now i wanna talk to gumshoeQ: 2019: The year of gumQ: SEE GODOT KNEW THAT THAT GUY WAS A FAKE AND HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SEE HIM FOR THAT

GODOT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ANYBODY

Q: nniiiiice we can go visit his work nowQ: what do you mean the color of your coat looks more detective-y

also im still confused about if franz sent back the coat and kept the evidence or if gumshoe just got a new coat.

to blue screens because i don't wanan see red guy

wtf is with her

Q: I would say this isn't 2019 but i have no right to say that yet because i have never lived in 2019Q: at least she is letting me examine evidence

Trigre >:(

future from 2004 or future from 2019

Q:

Phoenix: Computers are only as smart as the humans who use and make them are ...you know nothing...

Q: im about done here

to the park

Q: the scooter is backQ: well he isnt here that is fine

oh hey that girl is here

is she threatening to kill him or

Q: great so tiger is also involved in not only impersonating me, but also killing glen, and this guy's money problem

to the office

gumshoe you just left go to your meeting

Q: well im headed to where i was going again

hi girl again

imma go touch the desk

Q: of course it's the same color as my suit he used it to pretend to be meQ: HI TIGRE

WHAT DO YOU WANT

Q: well at least i can talk to her now

no maya

Q: if you want coffee just ask godotQ: im to go look in other placesQ: see mr kudo is giving us information it's a ll good

Q:

Phoenix: maybe he's trying to avoid us?" It always feels that way when i try to find somebody in this game and they aren't there. None of them have ever been trying to avoid me but i guess if you think that that guy is trying to avoid you he is

hey maggey is back

Q: i have the cd~

Q: took a minute to fix the sound

why am i How-aceattourney

stupid tumblr

BF: TumbllllllrrrrrQ: oh ya the creepy womanQ: and she wont react to the profile so i guess im gonna leave now

wonder what is going on at this police station

Q: more game.

oh ya i was stuck

hmmm

go talk to people and investigate things

oh ya i still have gumshoe's lunchbox

Q: i know you're mad at him but pls

:shows paper badge: oh hey is that your badge WOW DOES MY BADGE REALLY LOOK THAT SHITTY

Q: ALSO DON'T BITE MY BADGE >:( AND IF IT LEAVES TEETH MARKS IT IS REAL.Q: dammit no new conversation topics

wonder if something else updated though

niiice the police department! I doubt that anything will be there though

how much does that guy at the desk get paid

GUMSHOE :D

oh damn that sounds bad. Wonder if it is from a specific somebody i hate or his girlfriend

Q: it's obvious what lady mayaQ: I was gonna ask what computer virus but asking what one is is dumb

though this did some out in 2004... nah still unacceptable. This is taking place in 2019.

GUMSHOE HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT ONE IS

it's 2019 guys get with the times

Q: so much of this game has already happened i feel so uncomfortable now that this is taking place in the future

OH THEY'RE MAKING FUN OF ME OKAY

still bad but

and not only that they're more scary when they are attacking the POLICE

i mean mr.godot is a highly specific example but sure if i was sick and sneezed on him he might get sick too

oh so they are using that specific example to make fun of me again har har so funny guys

Q: OH SO THE GUY MADE A VIRUS

WELL SCREW THE VITIM IM HAPPY HE DIED

he probably had a reason for it but i don't believe it

Q: ya that family sounds dumb we should arrest themQ: i am angry right now

more stupid last names

ya guess who im going to stand up to

IM BRAVE

IM STRONG

I THINK IM PRETTY ACCOMPLISHED

I'VE RUINED SOME PRETTY EVIL PEOPLE'S LIVES

IF THESE GUYS ARE EVIL I WILL TAKE THEM ON

IF THEY AREN'T EVIL I WILL TAKE THEM ON

I AM NOT SCARED TO MAKE BOLD CLAIMS LIKE THIS

Q: oh uhhhh maggey still hates you and we had to eat them. Sorry dude... how about you go do something that will make you happyQ: eh if anything goes wrong and she doesn't eat them we can just threaten her with a gun. Always does the trick for me.Q: when did maggey leave whatQ: well i need to sleep now. Lost again but im lost at a different point

Q: "I'll stop spamming you now"

:opens Ace Attorney:

Just trying to get unstuck i don't think much will happen, only got 30 mins

lets see where am i

don't think i can get any locks but i don't think there is much harm in trying

can't break one lets look for another

Q: im still stuck imma go try againQ: found a thing in my inventory i think this is important

I love my magic rock

:00000 it worked

well ya your dad is the stupid c long name thing so of course that has to do with you

oh hey i broke a lock

from the looks of that cutscene that looks like mr tigre

one more lock

Q: I BROKE IT

WOOOO I AM UNSTUCK

Q: she crying :(Q: ugh no room is updating

i need to get the other locks i bet

Q: i win. That was easier than thoughtQ: why are we discarding so much stuff

:o a room reset

DAMMIT TIGRE GO AWAY

i swear if he tazes me

SO HE PUNCHED ME

I'm done with people assaulting me in some way and then taking my evidence

GUMSHOE

Q: GUMSHOE

SAAAAVE MEEEEE

thank you gumshoe

that improved my opinion of him greatly. There was nothing negitive but now there is more love to give

Did phoenix even every tell anybody about that time von karma tazed him and ran off with the letter

alright i need to sleep and there is a savepoint. yay! Also! GUMSHOE SAVED ME!

Q:

haha

at least he is dead and his daughter is better

alright i am sleeping now

Q: I can't sleep sadly

Not because I am too tired but for other reasons. I'll keep playing

MAGGEY do you think I can predict ANYTHING that will happen in a trial at all

I'm only play because of how Gumshoe saved my butt back there

Hey Gumshoe :D I am forever in your debt because of what you did back there

Q: Looks like we found the medicationQ: Oh ya I forgot about GodotQ: (He just called the judge a loser)Q: Oh so that guy will testify. One of the people who almost helped with the repeat of what happened with the letterQ: OH now I know he is covering up the existence of tigerQ: Phoenix your cover up swears suckQ: This game is so obsessed with left and right being contradictionsQ: How dare Godot say I shouldn't existQ: Playing a bunch not saying much though

I am Winning and godot is still making weird metaphors

Q: LOUD RUMBLEQ: I hope I can make tigre suffer

Save point. I think I can sleep now

Q: maya just because tigre is coming to the stand doesn't mean we are gonna win

gumshoe!!!

Q: well usually we have no idea what the trump card is

(fuckin letter)

Q: sense when have I lost a case?

Making matt guilty isn't loosing

making him fuck off was the true prize i won that

back to trial

Judge do not be intimidated. He's like 9 feed below you.

Q:

Tigre: WHO DA HELL CALLED ME TO DIS HOLE WAS IT YOU Phoenix: No it was the Judge Judge: :hides:

Q:

Godot: :makes Tigre shut up: Phoenix: T... Too cool... hahaha

Q:

Tigre: That lowlife ain't no lawyer! He just punches away at stupid details til he wins! i feel called out

okay so question: People hate 2-3 so much and one of the reasons  is Moe's testimony but there are SO MANY THINGS IN THIS 3RD GAME LIKE THAT

Q: not only that but this game is a lot more vague on "hey hey you were supposed to do this you are on the right track"

Q:

Godot: I hear it can be pretty hard to set up appointments when you're dead

BF: hahaha I think 3 tends to get forgiven most because the overall plot is VERY well constructed.  Also I think the alleged hate against 2 is overblown.  2-4 is such a beloved case after all

but you'll see what I mean about overall plot in a bit.

4 tries like HELL to do what 3 did, I think, but it gets tripped up a lot along the way.

(and yes 3 is hard. I'd say the only thing it does that's more forgiving that 2 is that IIRC, it doesn't penalize you for screwing up Magatama sessions.)

Last Friday at 11:31 PM

Q: ahhh alright. I'll be waiting for the 3 plot. Also it doesn't get mad at your for screwing up magatama sessions?? I have not noticed such a thing.Q: but he was there because 1 other people say he was and 2 why else would that guy tell him to go thereQ: problem with having so much evidence is that i can't remember what is what and what proves what or that it even existsQ: oh hey these matchesQ: HUH

wooo

wooo it worked

oh boy more things that are very close to swearing from him

Q: so many things wrong with this next testamony

WHICH ONE DOES THE GAME WANT ME TO DISPROVE

Q: heeeey it workedQ: I am winning :DQ: it's the tigre guy obviously >:( He impersinates a lot of people

phoenix hiding under his desk

Q: obviously it was that girl

internet not working dammit

WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOBODY COULD PULL OFF A STUNT LIKE THAT THERE HAVE BEEN WEIRDER THINGS

:Shows paper badge: Judge: It is an insult to think anybody could be fooled by that well then maybe you should reevaluate your life choices

guuuuumshoooooeeeee

where are you man

YESSSS GUMSHOE IS BACK

THANK YOU DUDE I WAS WAITING

GUMSHOE YOU ARE GREAT NEVER PUT YOURSELF DOWN YOU ARE VERY USEFUL AND WE ALL LOVE YOU

heeey maaaggggeeyyyyy can you cheer gumshoe up for me he's being sad

quonit-aceattorney

OH SO YOU KNOW HOW THE BOTTLE LOOKS DO YOU :)

WELL I WIN!

he yells

hahahahaha glowey mask thing hahahaha

oh fuck you stop throwing coffee at me

why do you hate me so much i am not a criminal

hey gumshoe i won!!!

maybe maggey can be happy now