#enthymemequeen-chaoticbabble

[thebluntstudent]

a little introductory .☆•°. chaos babble #1

(Will be doing a few different types of blog posts and content here- when I want to vent current study progress for my own motivation in an informal rambling drabble, you can expect a chaotic babble. When I finally set up my blog theme, I'll create a little directory for post tags)

honestly this is an alt blog to give me some motivation to get my academic sh*t together once again so I can become the philosophy queenie I always wanted to be ~ so a little academic context (if you want more personal info then go stalk my main blog and excuse the fallout thirst):

For a whole load of reasons and context I don't need to provide, by the time I finished my first year of university at 20 in 2022, my mental health was at an all time low and a variety of family issues present at the time caused me to decide to take an interruption year.

I had for the first time in my academic history outright failed an exam despite revising for hours on the topic due to constantly feeling overwhelmed and not looking after myself physically due to over-commitment to societies and hall committee roles; I had also for the first time gotten to a point where I had missed handing in an essay completely- which for somebody who's self-worth had for my entire life been centred around my grades and academic abilities was a hefty blow to my self-efficacy.

I was intending to work on my mental health and begin to resolve my trauma on my interruption year, and up until April 2023 this was going quite well; I had begun volunteering at a group for adults with disabilities that my older brother attended, I was keeping up with my academic studies by exploring areas of philosophy I hadn't yet had the chance to without the time pressure or expectations an educational institute mandates, and was preparing eagerly for resits and deferrals from the end of my first year.

Between April 2023 and August 2023, I lost my last remaining grandparents, and one of the two cats I had grown up with. The grief also worsened existing family circumstances that had begun to heal slowly over the prior few years, and due to failing an exam that summer for a second time, once again having to defer an essay, and visiting a doctor about my anxiety a month before I was due to return to university only to be told 'well not much I can do when you're going to be 120 miles away in a few weeks'- I wasn't quite prepared to return in 2023 either.

As of writing this it is May 2024. I did a lot of mental healing through winter- and despite the fact I had to cope with a lot of chaos the first few months of this year, and despite the fact my hormones have been protesting agaimst me for the last two months in what so far is looking to be PCOS, I handed in my last remaining essay from year one and have one last exam to do, in seven days from now.

It is the only module I have failed to pass an exam for. It is the only thing left (well aside from the potential PCOS, and finding a place to live in London in this economy as a working class lass, sigh) between me and finally returning to my dream degree at a university I took an extra year at college to make sure I would get into- between me and breaking a chain, and defying a stereotype about broken homes and council estates. I have to remind myself of my motivations, so that when I am hopeless I remember what got me this far, and what I have left to prove. That is what this is all about.

where I am at right now, in this moment:

The topic is intermediate logic, and I hate that for me. I signed up without realising that however fabulous it is to be able to understand inductive reasoning through the power of symbols, this is essentially maths in disguise. It is for me the chocolate-covered sprout of the modules I chose: sweet on the surface, definitely good for you, but a stinky experience for the senses when you actually get into the thick of it.

I'm 2 out of 9 topics down in terms of reviewing content with active recall, and tonight I'm going to keep going for a couple of hours- I've not been able to sleep much more than 6 hours recently, so thankfully a couple late night study sessions are honestly a distraction from the general nuisance my body is hurling my way at the minute.

Plan for the next session is to get through at least one more topic review, two at a push depending on how long the first takes (so many formulas. so many.) and also to create a little reminder on my break for me and anyone out there in the void of ways to compromise study and self-care in less than ideal conditions <3