#especially when 1. none of these are universally true statements about libraries and

[billowypantss]

cant even be pro library anymore. because of woke

this library is so small and pathetic and hostile you literally by posted policy aren't allowed to use the toilet more than 10mins under penalty of specially stationed toilet cop busting in and they don't have a book return slot because idk making things too convenient might attract the poors. and the printing costs are egregious and for what. one working computer & no ink in the cartridge ever

[writermich18]

Record Keeper Part 2

In Izuku’s defense, he wasn’t expecting anybody to conclude from his story that his family was one of the Record Keeper Clans or that he was a member of said Record Keeper Clan.

He would not have told Eri the story if he had known it would have exposed his family. Luckily, the Pro Heroes and students who had figured it out had promised not to tell anybody. They apparently knew how sacred and secretive the Record Keepers are, and how important it is that nobody knows which family is of which clan.

That doesn’t change the fact that Sir Nighteye wishes to kill him.

He stands in one of Sir’s agency’s meeting rooms, getting stared down by Sir Nighteye and his sidekicks Bubble Girl and Centipede, All Might in small form, Principal Nedzu, Aizawa-sensei, Mirio, Rock Lock, and Bakugou (apparently dragged here because they wanted to know if Kacchan, as his childhood friend, knew his secret).

Great. Now, not only will Papa kill me for this, the Elders are gonna drag me through the pit and training course until I collapse then hang my dead body in the Halls as warning towards any other idiot Midoriya who dares to reveal the Clan secret just to comfort a little girl. Izuku thinks as he shifts uncomfortably in his standing position. I am so dead.

“Why the hell didn’t you say anything?” Yagi asks, “Record Keepers are valuable! We could have kept the secre –”

“That’s exactly why,” Izuku interrupts. “We keep our identity a secret because people kill for the things we keep, the history we keep. I ask that you not say a word to anybody because people from all sides will come after me and my family to kill us for the things we know or because of the things we know.”

He turns to look at the door as he finishes, “Nobody knows the Forgotten Hero or his tragic tale at all because the government erased that history and made propaganda up to hide what had actually happened during the Dawn of Quirks. What they had done to Quirked and Quirkless people. They altered everybody’s memory and erased First from existence and memory. The only reason we Record Keepers have his memory at all is because my ancestors were a secret, a secret the Government didn’t and would never have because the People never spoke about us.”

“Izuku –”

He opens the door as he finishes, “First and the society his group, the Rogues, had created is forgotten because the people who used to be in power refused to let the society live, refused to believe that it was better than anything they could create. Can you imagine? Not remembering your own history, your own life, as it actually was because your own government altered your memory and erased that part of you from existence out of a petty need to have control over everything.” He walks out the door.

Nobody tries to stop him as they slump and process what he had said.

 Little did Nighteye or anybody in that universe know, it was because of Izuku’s knowledge and the Record Keepers’ existence that people got out of the fight with only major and minor injuries and nobody dead.

Thanks to the Forgotten Hero’s story, Izuku recognized the signs of a lab experiment and a hurt child, and acted on it as soon as the child, Eri, was within his grasp. No hesitation or daring to listen to Overhaul when he came out of that alleyway, just grabbing Mirio and Eri and running.

Because the alternative had been drilled into his very mind by the stories he grew up on, including First’s story, he had responded to an obvious escape attempt and did what his ancestors would have done.

Stories, especially true stories, have a lot more effect on the world around you and how you perceive it than most people realize.

The Record Keepers know this better than anybody – they have an entire closed off section of the Keeping Library that more than proves this statement to be true.

Izuku wishes he knew how to explain that to outsiders but he doesn’t know how to nor does he think it would have changed their opinion. Either way, Eri is safe, everybody except the Villains got out of the fight alive and relatively death free. No funerals are being planned and no regrets pilled up.

That is enough.

Knowing that Eri is here, and not with Overhaul, slowly recovering and learning how to be a child again, is enough.

Are you proud of me, Grandpa Tsunayoshi? Izuku watches with soft eyes, Eri playing in the playground with Kouta and Mirio (playing slowly to be mindful of his injuries). Though a smile doesn’t grace her lips, her eyes are alight with happiness. Tiger from the Wild Pussycats in casual clothes watches them play on the bench. Izuku sits on the fountain bench, mindful of his shoulder. We managed to stop the Bad Men before they could further destroy her happiness and childhood. She’s escaped and the Bad Men are paying for it.

A wind blows through the park. Plays with his hair.

It smells like oranges, the forest, sunlight, blood, and hope. Izuku didn’t know how the wind smelled like Hope but that’s what it smelled like.

Light fingers card through his hair, laughter rings out around him. He straightens up and looks around. Nobody’s paying attention to him and the others were too far to do that.

A voice whispers in his ear, “You did good, little one. That little girl gets to have the childhood I lost thanks to you. But it’s time to rest and relax now. And remember.”

“Only justice will bring peace,” Izuku whispers the words automatically to the wind, eyes moving to Eri as she comes up excitedly to him, talking rapidly about all the things they were doing. The wind sings around him as he stands up and easily picks her up.

He smiles and hums along to everything she’s talking him, asking questions where needed, letting Eri do the talking. Mirio chimes in every now and again, mostly letting Eri do the talking too, as they leave the park, waving goodbye to Tiger and Kouta.

Unnoticed, a figure appears in the park behind Deku. This figure has the same kind of curly hair as Izuku but shoulder length. It falls and frames his face while also stylistically and purposely covering the left side of his face. Freckles decorate his entire face, neck and arms. The hair is white. His eyes a soft brown with green flakes dancing and sparking inside of them. Tan skin.

He wears a sleeveless white shirt over which is a sleeveless and loose dark-green-and-black jacket – similar to Izuku’s own hero costume but designed a little differently. A white scarf covers his neck with the two ends falling down his chest and back, a design, of a circle broken in pieces on it in which a wyvern dances gracefully inside and clutches one of the broken pieces, in front of the wyvern is a single flare of fire and lighting, is sewn into the end part of the scarf lying on the chest. Wrapped around his arms are hidden-blade gauntlets, white and green fabric bracing the elbows, and bandages covering the fingers with brown fingerless gloves covering the hands. A red utility belt is wrapped around his waist, brown, loose combat pants cover his legs and fall over red-and-black braced shoes. Black-with-green-light-decorating-it fabric also braces his knees.

The figure watches Deku, with Eri and Mirio, slowly leave the park and smiles. He touches the necklace that sits on his chest.

The same necklace swings around Izuku’s chest as he transfers Eri to Mirio who gladly takes her. They run ahead with Mirio laughing as Eri shrieks in joy. Izuku laughs at them.

The necklace glints, Izuku turns and sees the figure. He pauses. The figure lifts a hand in a single, two-fingered salute and points at Izuku. Izuku pauses then gives a smile and returns the two-fingered salute, nodding to show he got the message.

“I understand, Tsunayoshi. She will live the childhood you couldn’t, I will remember your story and pass it on, and this society will one day remember who you are,” Izuku tells him softly, the wind carries it to him. The figure raises an eyebrow. Izuku amends, “After I rest and graduate.” Tsunayoshi smiles, then turns and waves goodbye, fading as he walks away.

“But…” Izuku watches his great-great-great-great grandfather disappear, “Do you want us to remember only Tsunayoshi, only First? Mana deserves to be known too, even though you can’t remember being Mana.” He closes his eyes for a moment, touches the necklace around his neck. Then turns heel and runs to catch up to Mirio and Eri who had stopped and are waiting for him.

Even though Tsunayoshi won’t answer him, he knows what he will do when he’s ready to tell the complete story to the world. Against Record Keeper duty because that is what Grandpa Tsunayoshi wants.

He won’t be telling the Tale of the Forgotten Hero, the public tale the Midoriya’s tell to outsiders.

The tale the world will know when he’s ready is the Tragedy of the Two Lost Brothers.

The Story of Mana, Hisashi, Subject 27: History’s Forgotten and Betrayed.

 Tsunayoshi had learned about what happened to his brother, his true name. Was told it during the final battle by the Secretary of the Science Department who had also been charge of the Lab.

He had learned that his brother, whom he had seen get shot down by 5 bullets during his initial kidnapping, was alive. First hadn’t followed up, too shocked by finally learning the name he had lost and defeating the government that had hurt so many.

Izuku hadn’t wanted to follow up either, especially given that history from that time period had been purposefully destroyed by the 1% the moment they forcefully took control back after Tsunayoshi’s death (the Midoriya’s and many others had tried to stop it, but war and infighting hadn’t been something anybody had planned on doing again except for the 1%. Only the Midoriya’s had been able to keep the history and it is only because none Record Keepers don’t know how to nor have access to the Clan Library). But, after learning about the history of One For All and All For One… The idea has been pecking at him non-stop in the back of his mind.

Against his better judgement, Izuku approaches his mentor and asks if he can visit All For One in prison with his father and grandmother. Explaining that the Record Keepers side of his family need to double check with somebody from First’s time period to see if the memory altering aspect of that history is correct.

He had already informed his grandmother and father about his idea and also the never-happens-after-that-time-period-has-passed chance to check facts about specific events. So, he has already gotten their approval.

Toshinori, predictably, refuses. But Izuku is nothing if not persistant. After the reassurance that it was just a Record Keeper meeting from both his father, grandmother, and himself, with permission from Papa and Granny that his mentor can come with them, he reluctantly agrees and calls it in.

They plan it out to go over the weekend, next week.

Izuku gets official permission from Granny to tell the Tragedy of the Two Lost Brothers in its full form before All For One, Toshinori, the elder Record Keepers, and whoever is listening to their conversation.

           Yes, his father had indeed scolded and grounded him for telling Eri and those other people the Forgotten Hero version of the story without permission. Yes, he was grounded, dorm-school-dorm, nowhere else without teacher permission and older student buddy system, style, for the week and that’s why they’re doing it next week.

[princepestilence]

Hey Samson, I'm very much a homebody and I wanted to know if you had and tips on where to meet cool queer people?

Hello there! I’m honestly very flattered that you thought to ask me, because that makes me feel like I must look like I’ve got my stuff sorted out and am living that #queer community dream–but that’s not actually entirely true and I sort of want to preface anything else I say with the fact that I am still very much in the process of trying to find more cool people to bring into my life myself, because I’m not where I want to be on that front yet. I’ve been super lucky so far, but I don’t want to give the impression that I’m done meeting cool queer people. There’s a lot of friends I’m still out looking for and a lot of connections I haven’t made yet that I’d really like to, so yeah! Happy to share my thoughts but I am not an expert.

For me, there’s kind of been three major sources of finding My People so far, and those have been: work/university (which count as the same for me, since I was once a student and now I teach students and have cool queer colleagues and they know cool queer people, so it has a run-on effect), the internet, and creative art spaces. 

I think being a homebody can be a bit of a disadvantage if you want to meet cool queer people, mostly because I’ve found online queer spaces and offline queer spaces to have… very different vibes and values. Not always! I’ve definitely experienced first-hand some weird vibes that I didn’t want to tangle with in offline queer spaces (thinking specifically of the queer collective at my university). But broadly, I’ve enjoyed offline queer spaces a lot more, and found more connection with other people, and experienced more genuinely restorative and healing and positive vibes in those spaces than here on tumblr or elsewhere online. 

So that’s kind of my first piece of advice: see what’s happening in your local area regarding queer and/or artistic events! I don’t use Facebook, but there are a lot of local groups that use Facebook to organise and announce events, so if you have that, that can be a great way to keep in touch with that’s going on and see if anything strikes your fancy. For me, I go to the poetry slam every month I can make it, which is something I adore and always an experience of big queer solidarity, because it’s a bunch of creative (often queer or non-norm) people in a space that has a strongly upheld belief in the respectful spaces policy–i.e., be excellent to each other, no bigotry allowed. 

I’ve definitely lucked out with my local slam (maybe I’m biased, but it is the best one around) but a lot of events like that are places where you can walk in, sit down, and not have to really talk to anyone if you don’t want to, and get a sense of the place and the people and I’ve definitely found these spaces to be more welcoming and respectful than more… mainstream (?) events, so that can be a cool place to go. Similar things like pop-up art exhibitions (especially if they have talks or workshops) count, especially if you see anywhere that they’re LGBTQ+ friendly and/or make a clear statement of intent re: supporting grassroots or marginalised creators, etc. 

Alternatively, I can recommend queer book clubs! Sometimes these groups are specifically about reading queer lit., and sometimes the reading is just a way of bringing queer people together, and either way, that’s a good place to at least go along and suss out. If there’s none around, a great option is to actually start something like that yourself–as intimidating as that might feel. Submitting a call for interest on a queer Facebook group, for example, can help put you in contact with people who might be in your exact same boat of wanting to build community but not knowing where to start, or not yet finding the right kind of space for them. 

I personally feel book clubs (or a similar hobby exercise) are a good way to do this, since it 1. brings everyone together in one place on a regular schedule, which is good for getting to know people, 2. isn’t necessarily a huge time or energy or financial investment, which means it’s more inclusive than many other events (although obviously requires some planning and also consideration re: which books and book costs, travel costs, access to libraries etc.), 3. is overall a relaxed space that can be hosted in the daytime, away from alcohol, in a public venue such as a cafe, which for many people is more approachable, and 4. gives everyone something to talk about when they get there and for the duration, so it’s way less awkward than sitting in a circle being like, “hi, I’m gay, are you my new best friend??” or feeling obliged to generate personal conversation the whole time. If it doesn’t work out or it’s too much effort to continue, you can discontinue it at any time, so it’s a pretty low stakes approach, I feel.

Edit: totally forgot, but sometimes [hobby or passion of yours] + “queer” into search bars can show up good results! For example, sometimes there are particular gatherings or small conventions, regular gaming events, forums or talk-sites, so on. I definitely know of Ace & Aro Teatimes that are held, specifically as a way of catching up, and you might luck out and discover something like that, which is particularly great because it means you will already have an interest or hobby in common with the people you meet there. 

Off the top of my head, that’s kind of it for offline spaces. You can probably check out if your local university has a queer collective, because even if you’re not part of the university body, sometimes they will have events open to the general public etc. Like I said before, that’s not my scene, because I’ve personally found the local university queer collective to be… more similar in personality to the online spaces and also just a little more intense than I’m looking for. But! That’s not to say they’re all like that. 

As for online spaces, I met a lot of my queer friends by the sheer bizarre wheel of fate that brings people together in the disgusting blue sea of tumblr. I know that’s not helpful at all, but the piece of advice I have to offer there is that I met all these people by doing what I loved, first and foremost. I was doing my own thing, however weird, and they were doing the same, and we saw each other and went “oh cool,” and we were both queer. To a certain extent, I think this is true in all things: have fun, be yourself, and trust in queer pack magic to bring cool queer friends into your life. 

I am someone who’s very forward, I guess, and very proactive socially (and in general), so I am usually the first person in a new friendship to walk over and say, “hey! you’re cool, I love your you, tell me about yourself,” [paraphrased] and honestly that’s worked pretty much every single time. I admit my charisma rolls tend to be high (I sacrificed constitution and wisdom for them, so they better be) but I do believe that you miss all the shots you don’t take, so it’s worth reaching out. So if you come across someone that seems cool, remember that you’re also a cool person worth knowing and a good friend and give that person a chance to find that out for themselves by saying hello, because a lot of the time, the other person isn’t going to have that courage and if you wait for them, it might never happen. Easier said than done for many, I know, but it’s that whole thing with lesbian sheep (wool-oo-wools, if you will): you can’t stand there and expect someone else to know that you standing there still is a sign of how much you like them. 

I have no idea if any of this is going to be helpful to you, but I wish you so much luck in finding your people! If there’s anything I’ve said that’s not clear or needs more detail or anything, please let me know and I’ll be happy to do what I can to help. I think finding community is one of the most important things in life for queer people to do, in whatever form that takes, so I am absolutely always down to help with that in whatever ways I can. 

[anaithya]

2018, etc

2018 was one hell of a ride.

I spent the NYE working on thesis proposal with my best friends A & G at G’s home. It was tense, since the deadline was close but none of us was even halfway through. At midnight we took a break and walked to Bundaran HI to join the crowd and watch fireworks. We had a bit of fun, grabbed some food in the nearest McD, talked all the way back, and prayed for our hopes and dreams for the year, before finally continue to work. 

We had our common goal: to graduate. Little did we know it will took a long, winding road before we finally reach one.

January was fine. IECOM was successful, despite me being a zombie for several days. It might not be perfect but I’m very proud of what my team has done. There were unexpected things happened in D-Day but we handled them well. It feels so nice to see people work together--voluntarily put their time, mind, and energy to make the plan come true. We did our best and that’s what mattered. 

Two days after IECOM, batch 2014 went to field trip in Malang and Bali. Having too caught up with IECOM, my friends and I planned our extended trip on the bus lol (I wrote about it here). It was reaaal fun! I liked how chill we all were, stopped for a moment not thinking about thesis or our routine anxieties, living the moment we were in. Thank you crew #gogotrip.

But the chaos was waiting for me. From then on, I was drained working on my thesis. Thesis was like the epitome of my uni life: crappy and messed up. Full of regret and wrong decisions. Perfectly summed it up! I thought I planned everything perfectly, but then Murphy Law happened. I remember panicking when things were still uncertain. I overthinked a lot, I was desperate and felt so clueless on April, but things began to unfold in May. In early July, I was finally certain in what I had to do. But still not sure whether I could make it or not in October. The pressure was even higher after you see your own friends graduating. 

Whole September I couldn’t manage to do anything but working on my thesis. The month slipped perfectly from my life, I barely remember anything but me sitting in my computer, whether looking on Word, Excel, or Lingo. I remember staying up all night in the then-newly-opened coffee shop until 2 in the morning with my friend N (we’ve been there for hours), working on our thesis, too tired to talk to each other. Then we do the same thing in the day, only in our lab, and there will be our other friends. On repeat, for days. 

On Tuesday, 25th, I finally did my thesis defense. Got an A, with extremely minor revision. Happiest day of the year. Took a day off on Wednesday, printed the final draft Thursday, got my supervisor’s signature, submitted it to the library, and signed up for October graduation on Friday. 

Took two companies, months of hustles and hurdles, loads of papers, countess lingo solving, and series of sleepless nights to finally did it. And also a great supervisor. I couldn’t thank my supervisor enough for all the help that he gave me. If it wasn’t him, I don’t know if i can still manage to graduate in October.

In between the mess, with the thought that I need a break, I signed up for HPAIR conference. After two essays and an online interview, I got accepted! So for a full week in August I went to KL. It’s been a long time since I visit KL, and it was my first time participating in an international event like that. (one bucket list checked!). The conference was lit with the intriguing theme and notable speakers. I made new friends and tried superb food in town.

I also got the chance to participate in Maybank Impact Challenge, which I think the most interesting part of the conference. It was modelled upon Maybank Go Ahead Challenge. We were divided in teams, and the members came from different backgrounds and nationalities. In the span of 6 hours I had to make a country development plan, played board game, took the role as a COO in an engineering company, cracked codes and analyzed financial statements, ran for 1-2 km?--wearing a smart casual attire--from Sunway Uni to a bowling alley in Sunway Pyramid, pitched my company to investor WHILE playing bowling, ran back to the Uni, and took the role as management in company-in-crisis. Too much for a day, eh? It was crazy but I got to learn a lot: 1) How to work under pressure 2) How to work with strangers, especially with a very dominating person 3) How to estimate and make up numbers that still make sense 4) How to do impromptu speech.

(I also signed up for IELTS and Germany course. The courses were so refreshing since I love learning languages. I stopped showing up in September tho when the stakes on my thesis were high)

October 19 was my graduation day, and 20 was the parade. Bachelor of Science, I am now. I finally ended my university life. (another bucket list checked!)

The past four years was rough for me, especially in terms of my own ambition and personal development. To be honest, I hate my university life so much. I hate it to the point I don’t like to talk about it. About this class, about this exam, about this task, about this A B C, about this time when we had to do X.

If I could turn back the time I would definitely pick another major and another university. I hate how I didn’t work hard enough. I hate how I didn’t give my 100%. I hate how I DID work enough but still failing anyway. I hate how the world seemed so unfair. I hate how unprepared and unplanned I was. But what I hate the most is... I hate that I didn’t pursue for things I really like the most, because I was too scared. I hate how I wasn’t willing to take chances and chose the easy path. I hate how scared I was, to the future, to the what-ifs, to things that were actually in my head.

So messed up. So many wrong decisions. So many regrets.

Nonetheless, university life gave me valuable friends and... meaningful relationships! I really didn’t expect this from ITB back then, but yeah. The people I met were good ones. MTI ITB IS AWESOME!!! (at a certain period of time lol). I’m thankful that I found trusting, reliable friends that might not be 24/7 for me but surely make me laugh and make me feel much better when they’re around. It is my memories with them that I cherish the most.

Several days after graduation, I secured my first job (or not? I’m not permanent yet but nevermind), and started to work rightaway--in a company that I really admire. (bucket list checked once again!!!)

November and December were about adjustments. Adjusting myself back to Jakarta, coming back home after years of living alone. Adjusting to the new role that I take, as an employee. Adjusting to the new routine.

I also got two free concert tickets in November: Gun N Roses and Blackpink lol.

I spent the last day of the year with my high school friends in a friend’s house. Learned to play poker, chit chatted about life, reflected on how the year was for each of us. 

Calm and serene. 

Despite the sour, sour lemons, I learned a lot in 2018. 

Four years of desperation crafted this worrisome and pessimist attitude in me. Contrary after graduating high school, after uni graduation I feel like I have self-confidence issue and I feel like not knowing what I really want or what I have to do next. I am still clueless apparently. 

However, knowing the fact how terrible last year was, and I still survived after all gives me this weird strength to carry on. It gives some me kind of positivity and energy for 2019. 

I get this epiphany that... maybe life indeed sucks, it still has loadsss of lemons to be thrown at me. There will be more cancelled and altered plans, and there will be other twists, turns, and surprises. Nevertheless, I shall focus on things that I can control and let go the ones I can’t. I shall control my perception and reception towards what’s happening instead of letting it affect me. I shall not waste my energy panicking and thinking too much on things that don’t matter like I did last year (and throughout my uni life also). I shall let go of my fear and let loose, be less rigid.

I shall focus on me and my personal growth, also on people that matters. I want to regain my confidence and cut all the negativities that the past might have caused me. I need to reorganize my life and construct my future plans.

This year, I want to be chill like I was in Bali.

[lordraveondagooseofdolallytap]

DOING PURGO

© I David Kitchen assert ownership to the following work.

DOING PURGO

  I wasn’t even Catholic, so it’s not like I had signed up for the whole concept.

They tell you-

You die

You get to know your ultimate destination right away. Heaven or hell

If it’s going to be heaven you may have to do time in purgatory first. It’s about getting yourself cleansed before you can enter Heaven and get The Everlasting Joy.

That’s what they tell you back in life. Especially that bit about being personally judged the minute you die so you know right off there and then where you are going to end up…ultimately. They don’t publish stats, but I’m guessing most of us end up here in purgatory for some time…except there is no time. That’s the big catch. We don’t have time here.

On the upside, it’s not like medieval paintings. Being whipped, impaled on spikes, boiled in oil…and it never has been. I’m guessing that was a case of blasting out the terror in ways that people could get and understand. Stick to the rules or you’re going to spend eternity having a great long spike hammered through your innards.

We do suffer but what they give you is endless (risk assessed) Ennui alternating with Nausea. Back and forth sometimes two nausea’s followed by five ennui but ‘overtime’ it averages out to fifty-fifty. That’s what they say. The orderlies on the desk as you come in tell you. “It’s exactly half and half”. What they don’t tell you is we don’t have time here. It’s just a kind of suspension where things come and go. No sun up or sundown. No seasons or weather worthy of the name. You can’t say “tomorrow this chunk of nausea will be completed and then I’m doing some ennui for five weeks. Then in five years I’m out and got everlasting joy”. It would be a lot easier to do if that was the case. Instead, we just have this suspension. A prorogation of living

It really cracks people up when they first come in. I saw it when we were on standby shortly after arrival and waiting for allocation. The fog and silence not yet in place. The newly arrived recently deceased asking for a statement of goals they have to achieve to demonstrate sufficient cleansing has happened and therefore progress onto the place after this can occur (that’s what we call it). The orderlies doing the induction sessions just keep saying, “it’s not like that. No one is going to give you goals. We can’t describe it, you will just have to wait and see. Then you will know”. Then we, the recently died all laugh. That’s just a habit thing. Nothing in it. Just the empty mechanics of laughter

So it goes on. Sometimes it’s the same Ennui. That night you had to spend at the airport in Toronto where nothing was open apart from the sushi bar. When you sat down for a while then walked around and sat down again. No Wi-Fi and anyway no mobiles. I get that one a lot. Other times it’s like the dismal November days you used to have when the year was almost out and any interest or energy had gone. Just sitting around and waiting. And that boredom and absence of sensation were so unbearable that the thought of twanging the back of your hand with an elastic felt attractive. You get so near going crazy that you can imagine welcoming The Nausea’s when they come round again. It’s got to be better than Ennui. But that’s just memory fooling you and you remember the instant that it starts that the nausea is much worse than the ennui. Back in life, nausea might be mainly dizziness or wanting to vomit or an intense headache but here it’s all three and all at the same time. They give me (or I select without knowing it) at that time when I went to the old cinema in Headingley in Leeds. I’d taken a girlfriend to see the film, Watership Down. Awful nausea came over me at the cinema, her as well. Both of us together while we were watching the Bright Eyes scene (where Art Garfunkel sings the song).

Heightened sensations all around. The rotation in my brain, losing all independent balance. Having to hang onto things to stay standing. Worst of all the feel of the sick wanting to come up but not being able to. Wave after wave of spasms from gut to gullet. So strong that they felt like they might turn me inside out. Guts on the outside.

We got across Leeds by bus to our flat above the hairdressers in Harehills. The pair of us lay there for days waking and sleeping, throwing up into buckets arranged around the bed and then falling back into filthy sheets and waiting for the next wave to well up. On the third day, the monster was a little subdued but I could barely hope it was over. We were so awfully weak afterwards. Lifting a glass of water seemed more than was possible. We lay propped up on the filthy pillows and gazed at the ceiling or the far wall. Awful, awful. Then inched into sleep. I get to relive that episode regularly for my Purgo but it’s not half as bad as the other one I won’t talk about.

What’s the hardest thing, and this needs some thinking about. is that there is no sense or order to anything. The episodes (I suppose torture of a kind) seemingly come and go of their own accord with seemingly not a second between one and the next. Back in life, time progressed from A to B, there were schedules and causes, now we just waft about. How much time has passed I cannot tell, No one can because there is no time only suspension, and flashes of repetitive memory and perception.

And there is no logic either. None of these ghastly things relates in any way to the bad things we are supposed to have done in life. There is barely time to think about one's supposed sins. Even when I’m on the Ennui, one would assume there would be endless opportunity to think about regrets (or indeed lack of regret, but now there is just flatness and energy absence. Your thoughts only circulate around immediate sensations… from the chair, your back and stomach. The ground under one's feet. The sensations, violent or enervating fill the space, and no greater thoughts can break through. I do want to think, to try and remember what it was that might have resulted in me being here. I’m buggered if I know.

But no, we don’t get any of that. We just hang around and sensations (dull to the point of absolute enervation or violent and convulsive pass through us). Seemingly without end.

There are other souls. We do sometimes see each other. It’s like encountering people in dense fog when you’re walking up on a high moor somewhere. A face and then a body will emerge out of the grey-whiteness and come toward you. They will say “how do” or “hello,” and you answer back the same and carry on. That’s all that is possible. It’s like our mouths are only loaded with those words and nothing else. No option for conversation.

I do have a regretful thought. One that prods me like a sharp stick. Why had I not asked more back in the induction room when the orderlies were there for us to talk to? I know what I would have said now, “Who do you have to impress to get out of here?”

It is not clear how one might impress. There is seemingly just no cause and effect and no way to anticipate the end so it’s driving me crazy. I suspect there is no structure of authority that can say “well done” and “On you go to The Everlasting Joy and Glory”. There is just me and I can’t reach myself.

It’s at this precise moment the obvious dawns on me. I am having thoughts. Proper ones and have been doing for some time (so there is time again). It’s like the last bit that realised this is the part responsible for knowing such things. The awareness has come upon me like sap rising up through a tree.

The fog blows off, and I am back in the prison library where I once worked. It’s familiar as always. The bookshelves, the library orderlies counter, the office behind me to the right. The green button on the wall we press for assistance when it all kicks off. The locked doors at either end of the room, but now there are no keys at my hip and that gives me unease.

I am not on my own. I sense a presence or three over at the orderlies counter. They speak politely, “Please come across Mr Ryan, Everything is ready, time is going on so we need to make a start. It should not take long”

The three figures are dressed in lightweight blue polyester jumpsuits that look to zip up at the front. Besides that, I cannot remark on much. They are close to amorphous. No not totally true. They are like balloon people but the balloons are long and silvery. They protrude at the point where the head, arms and feet might have been. There is nothing to discern that indicates individuality. They are Amorphoids. That’s the name I give them. The name choice came from nowhere and is a little shocking. My thoughts are flowing again and I am able to create. Wonderful.

The Amorphoid in the centre is resting a leg on the table and a voice emerges from the end of it. “Hello, Mr Ryan, and welcome. Let me say at once, Thank you for spending your Purgatory with us. It means a lot. Here at Pergo Cleansing, we endeavour to deliver a safe, effective and a truly cleansing Purgatory experience in partnership with The Universal Order and XOX. How is ya feeling?”

I move to speak but it’s hard to draw out the words. The mechanism is sluggish “I am good thank you. Just feeling a little odd”. My own sound shocks me. It’s squeaky. Bugger. This would be an excellent time to have gravitas.

“Superb, excellent. Glad to hear that. Now let’s crack on. We have all got things to do. I need to tell you upfront there has been a problem with your Purgatory. This is rare, and we are constantly working to ensure it never happens again, but it did happen in your case. But you are very rare. We lost your records, and because of that we are not one hundred per cent sure why you are here”

My innards convulse and force upwards a wretched primal wail.”OOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA”.  It’s of me but not by me. Or that’s how it feels but then the two things merge and become one. I am reconstituting.

Amorphoid Number 1, goes on like nothing happened. “We do have a tag though and that’s the most important thing, it’s just the case notes themselves that have disappeared. They give the background information, like potential exacerbating or mitigating factors and of course the judge’s directions for eternity”. My rib cage expands and contracts wildly. Forcing air in and out. I hear sobbing. That is probably me.

“And you were put into the Soul Cleansing Phase without a discharge date. This is something we call a ‘Never Ever Event’, and when such things happen they need to be investigated by senior operational managers. That does not directly affect you but I just wanted to say there will be a thoroughgoing Route Cause Analysis and a report will go to the Senior Management Team hear at Purgo Cleansing. Lessons will be learnt and memo’s circulated to be read out amongst all team leaders and front line staff”

Rage spreads up through me like leaping forest fire, I stand and tip over one of the heavy chairs and a low flat table. I am roaring like the Incredible Hulk. No one responds so I shrug lean against the wall near the True Crime Books.

Amorphoid Number 1 continues. “Given our possible mistake…we can’t at this point rule out sabotage, yes but let’s call it a possible mistake. We want to have a quick hearing now and get things back on track and operating as they should be. It’s in everyone’s best interest…yours and ours… to get your Purgatory back within the framework of the appropriate system. As The Universal Order and XOX always say “one departure from protocol need not spoil the pudding”. We need to make progress now though. There is a brief and partial summary of your sample offence on the chamber tag. The Date of the offence was the 24th of November 1978. Location: A nurse’s home at Meanwood Park Hospital. And the offence classification is-

I-Insincerity in major life decisions

1.1 Nota significatione. A lifelong tendency to imitate actions of characters in film, TV media or books

1.2 Notable instances not included in this sample charge. Thinking himself to be like Woody Guthrie, Che Guevara, Ernest Hemingway, Jack Kerouac, Rod Stewart, Paul Newman, John Steinbeck and Bruce Springsteen…and posing around like he was them.

1.3 Circumstances of the sample charge: The accused set out to replicate an e…

 Okay, the tag is torn there, so we need to know what you did on the 24th November 1978 and which fictional or real-life character you were imitating when you did it. That’s what we need to know before we can dispose of your case”.

“Oh come on!” my voice sounds like the voice of XOX, which I played in a school play one time. I was a teacher of sorts for a while. I had to adopt a deep echoing voice and blast out from the wings, “Francis rebuild my church” with gravitas and force. It worked well and I got positive comments afterwards. The play was about St Francis of Assisi.

Amorphoid Number 2 slammed down his right leg on the table. “Who do you think you are talking to? We are the Purgatory Tribunal. Think for a moment about that for a moment before speaking again. Cooperate or we will bring in an administrative sentence”. No explanation of what that might be was given but I got the vibe.

“Okay, I had seen a film called ‘That’ll Be the Day’, starring Ringo Starr and David Essex. Came out in 1973. The David Essex was a bit of a wayward lad. Clever but a bit of good looking bastard and one for the lasses. Always wanting to be on the wild side of life. Worked on the dodgems at a fairground and before that as a Blue Coat or something at a holiday camp. That kind of thing. Well after living out on the fringe like that for a while his mum gets him to come back home and make a go at fitting in and being a good, responsible man. He courts a girl he knew before and they plan on getting married but on the night before the wedding he has it off with her sister or best friend or something. In the back of a van. He gets married the next day, but we know this man is never going to stick at it. So that’s what I did. I sort of felt I wanted to copy him. I was only twenty-one. I know it sounds daft but at the time it was like I was paying tribute to the character. I’m not even sure we did it, have sex I mean we were so drunk”. I laughed a bit there and looked for a sympathetic response but of course, there was just blankness.

“Had you done anything similar that same week or was it just that last night before the wedding”. These were the first words for Amorphoid Number 3. She swung her left leg over the table to speak. Why am I thinking it’s her? Do they have ‘hers’ and ‘hims’? She does sound more sympathetic though. I will concentrate on her.

“I am afraid I had been doing it all the previous week. Asking different women I knew to sleep with me, but they all said: “No, you have made a choice now stick with it”. It was only on the last night that one lass gave in. We were both very drunk. No one knew about it except the Lesbians next door. The ground floor in the nursing home was mostly lesbians, first-floor heterosexual women and top floor men (mixed).” I don’t know why but I was starting to feel good about myself, and making no effort to disguise it.

“You lack integrity and authenticity”. That’s plain and spoken from your own mouth”. Amorphoid Number 2 had a trace of a Yorkshire accent. He was good at being judgemental. He or it continued “Don’t you see how shallow and narcissistic your actions were?”

Those words cut through and shuck me up. I was in trouble, and my big mouth was giving them the ammunition they needed to bang me up in Pergo forever. I decided to try the humble tack. “Your honours I was barely more than a kid. I might have been twenty-one, but I was more like seventeen in the head. I was just experimenting with what kind of person I might be. I did become a good husband later on”.

Yorkshire Amorphoid was not having any of that. “Mr Ryan, remember this is a sample charge. We don’t have access to notes on the other instances but there must have been episodes of similar behaviour for you to come here. Now think about that and let’s get real shall we”.

Soft-spoken and possibly female Amorphoid cut across, “Mr Ryan, we are keeping in mind the errors that have occurred in your case and want to be as fair as we can, but you need to help us. We value integrity and authenticity very highly here. You are giving the impression you don’t know what those two words mean. There have been cases where we had gone easier on a murderer than someone who cheated at cards because the killer believed in what he was doing and then felt true remorse when he realised his error. Please pause and take note, you are not giving a good account of yourself”,

I am in trouble, how can I climb out of this hole and get back on track? It’s like I’m scrambling up a crumbling bank of soft earth. “I wanted to be different”. The words got out before I could trap them.

“Go on”, says softie Amorphoid, tell us how you could be different by copying others”. That stung. She was not what I thought she was.

“Okay, I take your point. This was all pretty narcissistic and shallow stuff, but I was like in a supermarket shopping around for a persona that I liked. I never told my wife what I’d done and I was never unfaithful again. She was though. Twice. Once with an Australian she met in a cinema cue, the other time with an accountant that wrote poetry”.

“Mr Ryan, stop digging”

I was directed to a cubicle at the edge of the room. The walls looked like a black and white abstract patterned Formica table my mother once had. I sat at the chair and looked into the patterns. They were reforming into musical notes. This was not in the library when I worked here. It would have been inappropriate for reasons of security. Then I was called out by the Amorphoid Tribunal Chair and as I left the cubicle I looked around and the whole library was reforming into a shoebox shape constructed of the same Formica material. “Please come back in Mr Ryan, we have a decision.

“It’s one of our maxims, here are Purgo-Cleansing. Start off with justice and then temper it. Our aim is redemption, not ruination. We don’t aim to metaphorically flog someone until they buckle at the knees and fall like a broken horse. No, we want you to walk out of Purgo cleansed and remade and ready for progression to the better place. Taking a broader view we must acknowledge mistakes as well. The loss of the case notes in whatever way it happened. The failure to follow checking procedures and the unclassified Purgo Cleansing phase. If you are happy to sign this release form we are pleased to offer you a fairly unique Purgatory package. It does the job with only the mildest of torment. Do you play the guitar?”

I was going to be a special kind of orderly. I would stand alongside the others at the reception desk where new arrivals showed up and were processed. I was to sing to them. Country and Western songs. The most insincere ones. I would literally sing the insincerity out of me. Morning, noon and night, except of course there was no time. One thing was different. I would know when I was cleansed and ready. My guitar would show it. It would turn green by degrees, and I would be summoned by a person yet to be recruited to hold my guitar against a painted deep green square upon the wall and when they matched my insincerity would be gone from me and I would be free to go.

So that’s how I got my job as ‘Country Singer in Residence in Purgatory’. Funny how things turn out. I watch the crowds roll by each day and I sing out to them.

Songs like “Will the Circle be Unbroken”

“I was standing by the window

On one cold and cloudy day

When I saw the hearse come rolling

For to carry my mother away

 Will the circle be unbroken?

By and by Lord, by and by

There’s a better home awaiting

In the sky Lord in the sky”.

 My songs are the last ones they hear before their torment. Despite anyone’s intentions, I can see that some people like what I’m doing and their hand goes to where their pocket once was to feel for loose change…but of course there are no pockets in shrouds.

 I do maybe twenty songs in a revolving cycle and then some spot features like-

Mr Bojangles. The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band “He jumped so high” I love those words.

Hank Williams. Jambalaya. Joyful

Even some Galveston, Glen Campbell (“I close my eyes and dream of Galveston”).

I get to make all my own song choices as Pergo- Cleansing doesn’t really have a feel for the genre and I just sketch in a note or two on a song supposed insincerity in the logbook. Bit of a doddle really and I get to think clear thoughts; something I love so much now. The guitar is just a pale lime green but there is progress and it’s painless. I’m thinking of incorporating some Dylan. Maybe ‘Angelina’. It’s got a line which I think is apt.

“My right hand drawing back, while my left-hand advances”. Something like that.

Maybe we will meet one day. If we do, just shout out a request.

[socratessjudge]

                     THE PSILOCYBIN PRODUCERS GUIDE                                 ------             How to produce 5000 doses of organic psilocybin                       in a small room every week                                 ------                                   by                              Adam Gottlieb                                  1976                              INTRODUCTION If a person knows what he is doing, It's not difficult to cultivate the mycelium of any of the psychoactive psilocybin bearing mushrooms. The mycelium is the fibrous underground network of the mushroom. The familiar stem and cap portions of the mushrooms are called carpophores. The mycelium can be readily grown in ordinary Mason jars in a low cost medium in 10 to 12 days and the active materials (psilocybin and psilocin) can be easily extracted. This Guide shows how to carry out all of these steps on a small or a large scale. Complete instruc- tions are given for locating the mushrooms, developing stock cultures for inoculation, cultivating, harvesting, and drying the mycelium, extracting the active alkaloids, and using the existing cultures to seed new cultures to keep an ongoing psilocybin farm yielding a regular crop of the hallucinogenic mycelium.  We also give directions for setting up in a small workroom a large scale psilocybin factory which can produce at least 5,000 doses of the drug every week.                          PSILOCYBIN AND THE LAW The present drug laws are a pathetic mess.  The old adage that ignorance of the law is no excuse becomes a ludicrous statement when the laws themselves are rooted in ignorance.  One classical example of this is the classification of the stimulant Cocaine as a narcotic.  One is reminded of the King in Alice in Wonderland who made up his own language as he went along with total disregard for the accepted definitions of words.  I will not even go into the question of whether any law enforcement agency has the moral or Constitutional right to dictate what substances we may or may not take into our own adult bodies.  Any modern individual whose mind is not immersed in the slavish dung pit of Dark Age unreasoning knows that reliable education - not criminal penalization - is the answer to whatever drug problems exist.  Nevertheless, we must contend realistically with the powers that unfortunately be at this time. They are the ones with the badges, guns, gavels and goons. Because of the afore mentioned ignorance of our lawmakers it is difficult to determine how the use of certain hallucinogenic substances would be treated in the courts.  Possession of psilocybin and psilocin (misspelled in the U.S. Code as psilocyn) is a felony under Title 21, Section I, (C) of the United States Code (1970 Edition).  Psilocybe Mexicana is also illegal.  There was sufficient ignorance on the part of the lawmakers not to include the many other mushroom species containing psilocybin and psilocin.  Theoretically the possession of any psilocybin bearing mushroom would be the same as possessing the alkoloid itself.  But when it comes to prosecution it does not necessarily work like that. Lysergic acid amides, which occur in morning glory seeds, stems, and leaves are also illegal, but there is no way to prevent gardeners from raising this ornamental flower.  It is also illegal for anyone in the USA to possess mescaline.  Peyote, which contains mescaline, is legal for bonafide members of the Native American Church when used ritual- istically, but no member may possess extracts of the cactus or the drug mescaline.  Peyote is illegal for non-members, but San Pedro and several other species of Trichocereus cacti also contain mescaline and are available from many legitimate cactus dealers.  It would be clearly illegal for anyone to extract the active principles from any of the above mentioned plants.  And it would be illegal for anyone to extract psilocybin and psilocin from mushrooms or mycellium as described in this guide.  Anyone found operating a large scale mycelium farm could very easily be prosecuted for intent to manufacture psilocybin and psilocin. There are also many different state laws which must be considered before doing anything psilocybin bearing mushrooms.  There are, however many Nations which have no laws regarding these substances.  We are not judges or attorneys and are not trying to offer clear interpretations of the law.  Rather we have mentioned these points to give some indication of the legal pitfalls which surround the application of the activities described in this guide.  Furthermore, laws may have changed for better or for worse.  We, the author and publisher, are not recommending or endorsing the application of the information in this guide especially in places where there are laws proscribing these substances.  We offer this information for the sake of pure knowledge because it is our Constitutional right to do so. We do not encourage the violation of any existing laws.                        FINDING THE MUSHROOM All it takes is one mushroom or a few spores and from this one can quickly develop a culture that will continue to produce as much psilocybin as one desires for years to come.  Because the common San Ysidro mushroom, psilocybe cubensis ..Singer (Formerly stropharia cubensis  ..Earl) is the most easily obtainable, the most readily cultivated, most disease resistant, and psychoactively strongest species we have geared our instructions to it's use.  There are, however, numerous other species which contain psilocybin.  In case one of these is all that is available, we give for several of these pertinent information such a relative potency, where and when to find specimens, what growing conditions (medium, temperature, lighting, etc.) it favors and how resistant it is to contamination.  The states, provinces, and regions named are by no means the only places where the species is to found.  They are places in which there have been numerous reports of findings.  They are given here to give a general idea of the type of terrain and climate the species favors.  In cases where ideal cultivation temperatures and growing conditions are not given much can be surmised by considering the environment in which that species thrives. Psilocybe cubensis can be found in many parts of the United States, Mexico, Colombia, Australia, and even Southeastern Asia.  It is usualy found growing on or near cow dung in pastures during warm rainy periods from February to November. There are several species of mushroom which occur on cow dung, but fortunately none of these bear much resemblance to the San Ysidro. There are numerous toxic mushrooms growing around us.  Some of these could be mistaken for some of the other psilocybin fungi mentioned in this guide.   It is essential that the mushroom hunter learn to use an identification key.  A key is a listing of the various features which will positively identify a given species. If a specimen does not confirm in every respect to the key, it must not be used.  There are several excellent keys to be found on most library shelves.  One that we recommend is "Keys to Genera of Higher Fungi" by R. Shaffer, 2nd ed. (1968) Published by the University of Michigan Biological Station at Ann Arbor.  We also recommend a thorough reading of the most helpfull book "Poisonous and Hallucinogenic Mushrooms" by Richard and Karen Haard, available for $3.95 from Nature Study Institute, PO Box 2321, Bellingham, Washington 98225. It is further suggested that after identifying the specimen it should be brought to an expert mycologist to be absolutely certain of it's identity. Many books on hallucinogenic mushrooms suggest a simple test for psilocybian species which involves breaking the flesh of the specimen and waiting about 30 minutes for a blueing reaction to take place. The blueing is due to the oxidization of indole based substances in the fungus.  Although it is true that most of the psilocybin-bearing mushrooms will respond positively to this test, other species may do the same.  The poisonous Eastwood Boletus blues upon exposure of the inner tissues to oxygen as well as does any psilocybin mushroom. Another test which is often given in mushroom manuals is treating the exposed tissues with Metol, a chemical used in photo developers. It hastens the blueing of psilocybin mushrooms, and supposedly one can do a blueing test with it in a few minutes that would otherwise take 30 minutes or more.  Any mushroom, however, which contains indolic substances of any sort will respond positively to this test. Since indole-based amino acids such as tryptophan are found in most living organisms this test is rather useless. There is actually no field test for psilocybin mushrooms. There is however, a relatively simple test for the presence of psilocin and psilocybin that can be carried out at home by anyone who has some familiarity with paper chromatography. The mushroom sample is dried, pulverized, and extracted into a small amount of unheated methanol by shaking for half an hour.  After the debris in the methanol has settled the paper is spotted with the top fluid in a zone about 2mm. After treating the the spotting zone with water saturated butanol for about two hours, the solvent front 7-8 cm from the spotting zone would contain the psilocin and psilocybin if they were present in the specimen. After drying the paper with a hair dryer on warm, this outer zone is sprayed lightly with a saturated solution of p-dimethyl-aminobenzaldehyde in alcohol and then again with 1 N hydrochloric acid.  The paper is then dried again as before.  Where psilocybin is present a reddish color will develop.  The presence of psilocin will be indicated by a blue-violet zone.                   DATA ON VARIOUS PSIOCYBIAN SPECIES CONOCYBE CYANOPES: Found from May through September usualy in dense shade scattered among mosses, and in wet soil around bogs, swamps, and ditches in the northwestern USA and as far east as Michigan.  Carpophores grow well in sphagnum moss having a range of pH 7-8. COPELANDIA CYANESCENS: Found in early summer through late autumn scattered, grouped, or clustered on cow dung, or rich soil in Florida and other southern states.  Spores germinate easily easily on all agar media.  Optimum growth occurs on MEA at 80 degrees F.  Carpophores can be produced on uncased compost or on rye. PANAEOLUS FOENISECII: (Also known as PANEAOLINA FOENISECII or PSILOCYBE FOENISECII, and commonly known as haymower's mushroom or harvest mushroom) Found in late spring and early summer, or in July, August, and September during cool, wet seasons scattered or grouped in large numbers on lawns, pastures, and other grassy places throughout the USA and in Quebec.  Tests on specimens found in Washington revealed no psilocybin, but eastern specimens were potent. PANAEOLUS SPHINCTRINUS: Found in summer and autumn in small groups in forests, pastures, fields, and roadsides almost always on cow dung in many temperate parts of the world. PANAEOLUS SUBALTEATUS: Found from spring to autumn grouped or clustered often in rings up to two feet in diameter on open ground, freshly manured lawns, straw piles, all types of compost, dung piles, and roadsides in Ontario and throughout the USA (especially in Massachusetts, Maryland, New York, Ohio, Michigan, Washington, and Oregon).  Optimum growth on MEA is at 86 degrees F. It occasionally occurs as a weed mushroom in commercial mushroom houses. PHOLIOTINA CYANOPODA: Found in August through September solitary to clustered on lawns in such diverse parts of the USA as New York, Washington, and Colorado. PSILOCYBE BAEOCYSTIS: Found in autumn and winter, solitary, grouped, or clustered on earth, lawns, mulch, and decomposing forest wood near scattered trees especially conifers - in western Oregon and Washington.  It does well on Agar media at 77 degrees F.  This is a potent species containing Psilocybin, psilocin, baeocystin, and nor-baeocystin.  Perhaps it is because of the latter two alkaloids that it is the most visually hallucinogenic of the psilocybin mushrooms.  There is a report that in 1960 a six-year old boy died after eating a large number of these mushrooms.  There has never been any other indication that these alkaloids are dangerous.  Until there is further clarification of this question, we advise that anyone using this species proceed with caution by starting with small doses and progressing gradually to larger ones.  This is especially important when using the extracted crude alkaloids which may contain large concentrations of the baeocystin alkaloids. PSILOCYBE CAERULESCENS: Found in the summer during rainy season, grouped or clustered but rarely solitary, mostly in shady places on soil, sugar cane mulch, recently turned earth or stream banks - in Alabama, northern Florida and Mexico.  The Mexican variety P. CAERULESCENS var. MAZATECORUM is known locally as "Durrumbe", which means "landslides."  There it is often found among landslides, or near corn or coffee plantations. The mycelium does best on MEA at 81 degrees F.  Thermal death occurs at 95 degrees F.  It is almost impossible to produce carpophores on sterilized rye medium.  They can be grown on vegetable compost in dim light, but the incubation period is long (55-85 days). Although this species is resistant to white mold it's long incubation period leaves it prone to other diseases.  It is not one of the more potent species. PSILOCYBE CAERULIPES: Found in summer and occasionally autumn solitary or clustered on decomposing logs and debris of hardwood trees (especially birch and maple) in New York, New England states, Ohio, Michigan, North Carolina, Tennessee and Ontario. PSILOCYBE CUBENSIS var. CYANESCENS ..SINGER (formerly STROPHARIA CUBENSIS ..EARL): Found from February to November in compact groups in clearings outside forest areas, on cow dung, or horse dung, in rich pasture soil, on straw, or on sawdust/dung mixture in Mexico, Cuba, Florida and other southern states.  It grows well on MEA at 86 degrees F.  Carpophores appear in 4-8 weeks.  Thermal death occurs at 104 degrees F. Carpophores larger than wild specimens can be produced by inoculating vegetable compost in clay pots with agar grown mycelium, casing with silica sand/limestone mix, and incubating 4-6 weeks in daylight at 68 degrees F.  It does poorly in darkness.  It is a potent mushroom and very resistant to contaminants. PSILOCYBE CYANESCENS: Found in autumn scattered, grouped, or clustered in woods, on earth, among leaves and twigs, and occasionally on decomposing wood - in northwestern USA. PSILOCYBE MEXICANA: Found from May to October isolated or sparsely at altitudes from 4500 to 5500 feet, especially in limestone regions, among mosses and herbs, along roadsides, in humid meadows, in cornfields, and near pine forests in Mexico. PSILOCYBE PELLICULOSA: Found September to December scattered, grouped, or clustered on humus and debris, in or near conifier forests in northwestern USA and as far south as Marin County, California.  This is a small but potent species. PSILOCYBE QUEBECENCIS: Found from summer to late October scattered in shady areas at forest edges, on sandy soil containing vegetable debris regularly inundated by river flooding, and on decomposing wood and debris (especially birch, alder, fir, and spruce) in the Quebec area.  It thrives at lower temperatures than other psilocybe species and produces carpophores at air temperatures of 43 to 59 degrees F. PSILOCYBE SEMILANCEATA: Found August through September often in large groups on soil, among grasses, in clearings, pastures, meadows, forest edges, open conifier woodlands, and on roadsides - but never on dung - in New York, northern USA, British Columbia, and Europe.  Generally regarded as one of the less potent species, but is sometimes quite potent. PSILOCYBE STRICTIPES: Found in October rather clustered on soil or on decomposing wood and debris, on conifiers and some other trees in northwestern USA (especially in Oregon).  It closely resembles P. Baeocystis, but has a longer stem. It tends to be as visually hallucinogenic as that species and probably contains the same or similar baeocystin alkaloids. PSILOCYBE SYLVATICA: Found in September and October in small compact but unlustered groups in woods on leaf mold, debris (especially beech wood), around stumps and logs, but not usually on them - from New York to Michigan and as far north as Quebec and Ontario.  This mushroom is small and is often mistaken for P. Pelliculosa. The species discussed above are only some of the more commonly known ones with hallucinogenic properties.  There are recognized among the psilocybin bearing mushrooms 40 species of Conocybe usually ocuring in forests, pastures, gardens, dung areas, sandy soil, ant hills, decayed wood, and charcoal and having a cosmopolitan range; 20 species of Panaeolus found on soil and dung and having a cosmopolitian range; 40 species of Psilocybe found on soil, moss clumps and organic substrata such as dung, rotting wood, bagasse, and peat ranging from the artic to the tropics; and 9 species of Stropharia found on soil, dung and sometimes on leaf mulch and rotting wood and having a fairly cosmopolitian range.                         PURE CULTURE TECHNIQUE The most difficult part of psilocybin mushroom cultivation is the observance of the rules of pure culture technique.  These are the sanitary code of mushroom cultivation.  There are usually many varieties of bacteria and fungal spores in our environment; floating in the air, clinging to our hands and clothing, issuing from our mouths with every exhalation.  Extreme measures must therefore be taken to keep these out of our mycelial cultures, which they would rapidly overrun.  The following points should be diligently observed. Work in a clean, uncluttered, dust free room.  Immediately before work wash the work table and spray the room with disinfectants.  Scrub arms, hands, and nails with disinfectant soap. Wear simple clothing.  A freshly cleaned short-sleeve T-shirt is ideal. Gargle with antiseptic mouthwash and cover the mouth and nose with a clean cloth or disposable surgery mask.  Cover the hair with a surgical cap or shower cap.  Allow no drafts in the room. close all doors and stuff all door jambs.  Let no flies, animals, or unnecessary people in the room. Let only sterilized equipment touch the medium or inoculum.  Don't lean over your work.  Avoid all swift movements that may cause a draft.  If possible have a hood constructed around the work table or a screen or curtain surrounding it.  Be neat and keep all materials within reach.  Keep all equipment about three feet away from the work. Do not permit anyone to enter the room while work is in progress.                              STERILIZATION All utensils used in the cultivation of mycelia must be sterilized by heat before use.  Glassware must be boiled in water for 30 minutes. Metalware used repeatedly must be held in a flame until glowing and then allowed a moment to cool before making contact with any cultures or specimens.  When the inoculation loop has been used to transfer a fragment of mycelium it must be flame sterilized again before touching the next fragment.  All medium containers must be sterilized after the medium has been poured. This process is known as autoclaving. Containers no more than half full with medium are placed in a canning type pressure cooker.  The lids of these must be loose enough to allow escape of internal pressures. Otherwise the containers may crack. Seal the lid of the pressure cooker.  Keep the stopcock valve open. Using high heat bring the cooker to boiling so that thick steam comes through the vent. Close the stopcock and let the pressure rise to 15-20 pounds. (250 Degrees F.) for 30 minutes.  This should be enough to destroy any foreign spores or lifeforms.  Any higher temperature or longer period would cause the dextrose or maltose sugars to carmelize.  This would inhibit growth and psilocybin production of the mycelium.  When the autoclave period is up turn off the heat and let the cooker cool to room temperature.  Do not release the stopcock until everything has thoroughly cooled or the sudden change in pressure will cause the containers to boil over. Discard any containers that have cracked during sterilization.  Keep all containers of medium at room temperature for three days to see if any foreign molds develop.  If they do occur discard the medium in the contanminated jars and thoroughly clean and sterilize such jars before using again.                          MAKING A SPORE PRINT A spore print is a collection of spores on a flat surface. It can serve several purposes.  It can be used to assist identification of the specimen by observing its color or if made on a glass slide, by studying the shapes of the spores under a microscope.  Mycological identification keys include descriptions of spore prints and microscopic spore features for different species.  Spore prints are also the standard method of collecting spores for later germination on agar media. A print from a single mushroom cap contains millions of spores.  Many mushroom lovers are now making spore prints on paper from species available in their locales and mailing them to cultivators in other areas where such species are not found.  Secret spore exchange correspondence clubs are becoming quite the vogue and will probably be more common in the very near future. A word of caution regarding this practice should be given, however.  Do not assume that spores received in this manner are from the species the sender claims they are.  If the sender has misidentified the specimen and the recipient cultivates and ingests mycelia or extractions therefrom, the result may be disasterous.  Furthemore, I would not put it past some anti-drug fanatic to purposefully disseminate spore prints of dangerous mushrooms to amateur cultivators.  This could result in sickness and death for thousands of persons. To make a spore print take a mushroom with it's cap fully opened and gills exposed.  With a sharp sterilized blade cut off the stem as close to the gills a possible.  Place the cap gills-down on a clean, white sheet of paper, or on a sheet of glass that has just been swabbed with alcohol, or on two or four sterilized microscopic glass slides. Cover the cap with a clean, inverted bowl or bell jar to prevent drying of the cap and intrusion of foreign organisms.  Let this stand as such for 24 hours. If a good spore print has not been formed after this time, tap the cap lightly with the flat side of a knife or spatula.  This should shake loose many spores. If the print is made on glass, cover it with another glass sheet immediately after removing the cap to prevent contamination.  If microscopic slides are used, place two face to face and seal the edges with tape. If paper is used. fold it several times so that the print is well inside.                          PREPARATION OF MEDIA PDA (Potato Dextrose Yeast Agar):  Wash 250 grams of unpeeled potatoes and slice them 1/8 inch thick.  Wash these several times in cool tap water until the water is clear.  Drain the slices in a collander and rinse once with distilled water.  Cook the potato slices in distilled water until tender. Strain the cooking liquids through a flannel cloth or several layers of cheesecloth and collect the liquid in a flask. Rinse the boiled potatoes several times with distilled water, add these rinse waters to the liquid in the flask, and discard the potatoes. Add enough distilled water to the flask to make one liter.  Bring the liquid to a boil and add 15 grams of agar, 10 grams of dextrose, and 1.5 grams of yeast extract.  The agar must be added slowly and carefully to prevent boiling over.  While the liquid is hot, pour it into petri dishes or other culture containers. Each should be filled half way. PDY (Potato Dextrose Yeast broth): PDY broth is made in exactly the same manner except the agar is omitted. Mason jars are filled half way with the hot or cool liquid. MEA (Malt Extract Agar): To one liter of gently boiling water (distilled) add 20 grams of malt extract, 20 grams of agar (slowly, carefully to prevent boiling over), 100 mg of potassium phosphate dibasic (K2HPO4), and 100 mg of calcium carbonate.  While still hot pour the liquid into the culture dishes.                              EQUIPMENT Most of the equipment described in this guide is readily available at reasonable prices. One quart size mason jars can be purchased from many stores including Sears for about $2.98 a dozen. If a large scale Psilo- cybin farm is being set up, a greater number of jars could be obtained from a Wholesale outlet or bought at a discount from the retailer. Pipettes, inoculating loops, petri dishes, agar, and other materials (including pre-mixed media) are found at many scientific supply houses or can be ordered from Difco Laboratories, Inc., Detroit, Michigan 48201. If Petri dishes are not on hand, there are several other containers that can substitute.  Baby food jars 1/4 filled with agar media are excellent. Test tubes can be filled 1/3 with hot agar medium, stopped with cotton, autoclaved and allowed to cool while standing at a 17 degree angle. These are known as slants and permit a maximum surface area. A wooden rack can be easily constructed to hold slants at this angle. Baby bottles with a steam sterilizer can be bought almost anywhere. These come in sets of nine or ten bottles. The tip of the rubber nipple should be cut off and a wad of clean cotton pulled through from the inside leaving about 1/2 inch sticking out.  The bottles are filled 1/3 with agar medium. After sterili- zing the bottles should be kept at a 17 degree angle.  A large pressure cooker - the type used for canning and jarring - can be used for autoclaving mason jars of broth medium.                          STARTING THE CULTURE Upon obtaining one or more specimens of a psilocybin bearing mushroom one can begin to cultivate as much of the hallucinogen as is desired. Any part of the fungus can be used for inoculation. If the spores are used, consider- ation must be given to the natural life cycle of the mushroom. A single cap contains millions of spores, and any one of these will germinate in the medium to form a mycelium. But this mycelium will consist of what is known as monokaryotic tissue.  Such a mycelial organism will grow for a while, but unless it mates with another compatible monokaryotic mycelium and forms a dikaryotic structure it will eventually perish. To develop a culture from spores proceed as follows:  Scrape the spores from the print into about 10 ml of sterilized water. Shake well. Add 90 ml of sterilized water and shake again.  There will be millions of spores in this solution. Have ready several petri dishes or other suitable containers as described previously containing sterilized agar medium. Lift the lid slightly on each container and with a sterilized pipette or syringe place a drop of this spore water on three or four different parts of the agar surface, then cover the container immediat- ely. Let the dish stand at room temperature for 3-5 days. Radial growths of monokaryotic mycelium will occur at each inoculation point. When any two mycelia have grown to the point of making contact with each other mating (somatogamy) has taken place and within a few days these united mycelia will have become dikaryotic organisms. Any portion of this mycelial tissue can now be used to seed new cultures as described later. If a portion of one of the carpaphores gathered in the field is used to inoculate the agar, mating is not required. The tissue of mature fungus is, of course, already dikaryotic. To avoid contamination only inner tissue is used. Place the mushroom cap gills-down on a clean work area at least three feet away from any equipment. Wipe all dirt an slime from the cap with a Q-tip and swab it's whole surface with a seven percent iodine solution. Pin the cap to the Table top by inserting three disecting needles at equilateral points.  Sterilize an X-acto blade in a flame, let it cool for a moment, then carve the outer skin of the mushroom. Cut out tiny pieces of the inner mushroom flesh each the size of a match head. Spear each piece with the blade point, raise the lid of the petrie dish slightly, press the tissue firmly into the agar surface, and close the lid immediately. Place all dishes so inoculated on the incubation shelf at room temperature. The mycelium must breath as it grows, so do not cap the lids too tightly. When the radial growth of the mycelia appear on the agar surface (3-5 days) these stock cultures are ready for transferring to the broth jars.  If any stock cultures are not going to be used immediately, tighten their lids and place them under refrigeration. They can be kept this way for about a year.                    RAISING CROP CULTURES OF MYCELIA The task now is to select the most vigorous appearing mycelia in the dishes. This means the largest and fastest growing specimens and, of course, those not contaminated by foreign molds. Contaminants are not difficult to detect because their appearance differs greatly from that of the mycelia. Mycelia are pure white fibrous mats sometimes having a light bluish tinge. Contaminants may appear as rapid-growing, tiny, white circular spots with blue-green centers, or as surface scums or fuzzy clusters of either gray, black, yellow, green, or blue color.  If any contamients appear in any of the culture dishes, discard those cultures.  When the dishes containing the choicest mycelia have been selected the mycelia can be transferred from the agar-based stock cultures to the liquid broth cultivation jars.  These jars should have been prepared and sterilized three days before transferring and allowed to stand at room temperature during this time to test the effec- tivness of sterilization by observing if contaminates appear. Discard all broths which contain growths. The uncontaminated jars are now ready for inoculation. Spray the room and clean the work area as described under pure culture techniques. Also spray the outside parts of the stock dishes and culture jars. Lift the lid of a stock dish just enough and pick up a fragment of mycelium with an inoculation loop that has been flame sterili- zed and allowed a moment to cool. Lift the cover of the jar, place the mycelium fragment in the broth and cover the jar immediately. Repeat this until all jars have been inoculated. Refrigerate all unused stock cultures. Tighten the jar covers and shake well to disperse the inoculum throughout the broth. This also aerates the medium; the mycelium needs oxygen for life support and growth. Loosen the lids again and place the jars on the growing shelf for 10-12 days at 70-75 degrees F. If other species than Psilocybe cubensis are used, adjust the temperature accordingly. Every 2-3 days tighten the jar covers, shake to aerate and disperse mycelium, reloosen the covers, and return the jars to the shelf. The process of growth can be followed with a saccharimeter. The maximum growth and highest percentage of psilocybin occurs about four days after all of the broth's sugar content has been used up.  The mycelium should be harvested at this time. Any jars that cannot be harvested on that day should be refrigerated until this can be done.                          HARVESTING AND DRYING Filter the medium of each jar through a clean flannel cloth, collect the mycelial material from the cloth, and place it in a pyrex baking dish. Do the same with each jar of mycelium until each baking dish is about 1/3 full with mycelia. Dry these in an oven at no higher temperature than 200 deg F. Use an oven thermometer. Do not rely upon the temperature indications on the oven knob as these may vary from accuracy. Check the baking dishes periodically. When the material first appears to have dried shut off the heat and let the dishes stay in the oven until it has cooled. This ensures the evaporation of residual moisture.  Each cultivation jar should yield 50-100 grams of wet mycelium.  Fresh mycelium contains about 90 percent water, so this much would dry down to 5 to 10 grams of crumbly material. Each baking dish would contain a dozen or more mycelia.                                EXTRACTION Crumble and pulverize the dried mycelial material and combine each 100 mg of this material with 10 ml of methanol. Place the flask in a hot water bath for four hours. Filter the liquids with suction through a filter paper in a buchner funnel with Celite to prevent clogging. Collect and save the filtrate liquids.  Heat the slurry (the mush in the filter paper) two more times in methanol as before, filter, and accumulate the liquids of the three extractions. To be certain that all of the alkaloids have been extracted do a small extraction with a portion of the used slurry and test with Keller's reagent (glacial acetic acid, ferrous chloride, and concentrated sulfuric acid). If there is a violet indication, alkaloids are still present and further extraction is in order. In an open beaker evaporate the liquids to total dryness with a hot water bath or by applying a hair dryer. Be certain that all traces of methanol have been removed.  The remaining residue should contain 25-50 percent psilocybin/psilocin mixture. Greater purification can be achieved, but would require other solvents and chromatography equipment and is hardly necessary. Each 100 grams of dried mycelium should yield about 2 grams of extracted material. This should contain at least 500 mg of psilocybin/psilocin mixed or about fifty 10 mg doses. Theoretically psilocin should have the same effect upon the user as psilocybin. The only difference between the two is that the later has a phosphate bond which disappears immediately after assimilation in the body. In other words, in the body psilocybin turns into psilocin.  Psilocybin is a fairly stable compound, but psilocin is very susceptible to oxidization. It is best to keep the extracted material in a dry air tight container under refrigeration. A sack of silica-gel can be placed in the container to capture any moisture that may enter.                                DOSAGE The standard dose of psilocybin or psilocin for a 150 lb person is a 6-20 mg dose. We will figure the average dose as 10 mg. The crude alkaloid extraction process given here yields a brownish crystalline powder that is at least 25 percent pure. Each mason jar should contain at least 50 grams of wet mycelium. After drying this would be about 5 grams of material. The crude material extracted from this should contain 25-30 mg of psilocybin/ psilocin or roughly 2-3 hits. This yield may very to some extent depending upon several factors. Many of these species contain less of these alkaloids than dose Psilocybe cubensis and the alkaloidal content of this species may very in different strains. Cultivation conditions have alot to do with yield too. Higher temperatures (75 degrees F.) cause more rapid growth but lesser psilocybin content than do lower temperatures (70 degrees F.)  One must test each new batch of extracted material to determine the proper distribution of dosages.  Depending on the potency of the mycelia and how well the extraction was conducted the dose may range between 25 and 100 mg. Also bear in mind that the dose varies for different individuals.                         LARGE SCALE PRODUCTION The techniques and procedures described in this guide can be employed to cultivate modest supplies of psilocybin for personal use, or they can be expanded to apply to the large scale production of many thousand doses per week.  A small 10 x 15 foot room with standard 8 foot ceilings can be set up to produce an unending yield of at least 5000 doses per week. The stock culture shelves here are 1 foot deep and 5 feet long. Each could hold twenty 15 cm petri dishes. If shelving is spaced six inches apart, there can be as many as 16 shelves stacked in this space. This would allow for up to 300 stock culture dishes going at one time.  The crop culture shelves can be stacked ten inches apart, accommodating one quart size mason jars and giving ten levels.  With the dimensions of the room as mentioned this much shelving could hold about 2800 jars (3 deep and 3 per running foot). The entire room - walls, ceiling, and shelving - should be painted with a white, glossy kitchen enamel. This is not only an important sanitary measure, but also improves the efficiency and even distribution of light in the room. Lighting should be provide by a few banks of wide spectrum fluorescent tubes fairly evenly distributed across the ceiling and turned on for 10-12 hours regularly each day.  These are great dust catchers, however, and must be wiped clean periodically. The work table should also be painted with a hard smooth, white finish. If the table is metal, a small, clean cutting board must be provided on which to pin down mushroom caps when disecting them. Shelf boards on the wall next to the table may be extended above the table to provide space for storage of work equipment and ready containers. A hood should be constructed around the table to protect it from dust, etc. A fume hood with a flu vent and spark-free exhaust fan should be constructed over the extraction area to remove toxic and combustible methanol vapors. Extraction is preferably conducted in another room. If the cultivation room is used for extraction while the cultures are growing, care must be taken that the heat from the extraction process does not alter the room temper- ature. The fume hood will help by carrying off most of the heat. A vinyl shower curtain should be hung around the work table to shield the area of breezes when anyone enters or exits the room. Another vinyl curtain can be hung just inside the entrance to serve as a dust trap. A person entering the room would close the door behind him before pulling the curtain aside - and vice versa on exiting. The floor should be white vinyl or asphalt tile or painted white and coated with verathane or polyurethane. There should be no cloth or carpeting in the room except for a supply of clean worl clothing and surgical masks. The only other items in the room would be a stool at the work table, a three step ladder for reaching the upper shelves, and a small table on rollers on which to place jars and dishes when making the rounds of the shelves. Unless one has a large staff of assistants it would be impossible to inoculate 2800 jars in one work session. After getting used to the work one could do about 100 jars an hour.  The best procedure is to set up a continuous rotation of inoculations. Working about three hours a day about 235 jars could be inoculated each session. All 2800 jars could be inoculated in 12 days. Sections of shelving would be divided into groups of 235 jars, and these sections would be labled with the date and approximate time of inoculation.  The work schedule for cultivation would be as follows: DAY        INOCULATE        SHAKE                HARVEST        REINOCULATE --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mon        Group A Tues             B Wed              C          Group A Thurs            D                B Fri              E          A and C Sat              F          B and D Sun              G          A, C, and E Mon              H          B, D, and F Tues             I          A, C, E, and G Wed              J          B, D, F, and H Thurs            K          A, C, E, G, and I Fri              L          B, D, F, H, and J Sat           Commence            Reinoculation             See Col. 5     C, E, G, I, and K      Group A       Group A-2 Sun                         D, F, H, J, and L            B             B-2 Mon                         E, G, I, K, and A-2          C             C-2 Tues                        F, H, J, L, and B-2          D             D-2 etc.                        etc.                       etc.            etc. This would represent the first 2 weeks of the continuous cultivation cycle. The continuation of this schedule is obvious: shaking every other day, harvesting approximately every 12 days, and resterilizing, refilling with fresh medium, autoclaving, and reinoculating the jars liberated by the days harvest. If the total number of jars is 2800, each group would consist of 235 jars. The same schedule could, of course, be adapted to any number of jars. Drying of the mycelia should be done within a few hours after harvest- ing. Otherwise enzymes in the material will begin to destroy the active alkaloids. Once dried the material can be stored in cool, dark, dry place until enough daily harvests have been accumulated to do an extraction. If the mycelia can not be dried right away it can be kept in a refrigerator for a day or two, or longer times in a freezer.                  MAINTAINING A PERPETUAL PSILOCYBIN FARM Fresh inoculum can come from stock culture dishes kept under refrigeration. If these should become depleted, healthy strains of mycelium from the crop cultures can be used to inoculate sterilized agar media in dishes. To do so shake the crop culture jar violently to break up the mycelium. Then transfer drops of the liquid into autoclaved petri dishes of unused agar medium with a sterilized pipette and let it grow as before. If this reinoculation of stock cultures from existing crops is continued over a long period of time, the strain will eventually weaken due to what is known as the senescence factor. To avoid this alternate the media used in the stock dishes. That is: if PDA is used the first time, use MEA the second time and PDA again the next time, etc.                          RECOMMENDED READING If you cannot find these books in a bookstore, they can be ordered by mail from their publishers: HOMEGROWN HIGHS M.J. Superweed, 1972. High potency cultivation techniques for several psychoactive plants including peyote, San Pedro, coleus, and morning glory; plus a special medium formula and practical method for maximum mcycelial growth and extra-high psilocybin yield. The formula can be used in combination with the large-scale production methods in our guide. Send $1.50 plus .50 handling to: Flash Mail Order Post Express, 9926 Haldeman Ave, Suite 3B, Philadelphia, Pa. 19115 PSILOCYBIN - MAGIC MUSHROOM GROWERS GUIDE.  O.T. Oss and O.N. Oeric, 1976. Excellent guide for those who wish to cultivate carpophores of Stropharia Cubensis. Nicely illustrated with black and white and color photographs. Send $4.95 plus .50 handling to: Flash Mail Order Post Express, 9926 Haldeman Ave, Suite 3B, Philadelphia, Pa. 19115. Two other highly recommended books - Keys to Genera of Higher Fungi and Poisonous and Hallucinogenic Mushrooms are discussed earlier in this guide.