#esperthoughtht

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March.20.2025

Read and did Spanish reading guides

Completed Ck12s

Practiced art

Showered.

Journaled.

There’s a poem for this. Lost in his mind, I’m searching for it. I’m going to confess to him on April 24th. I know what I will say, what I will wear, how I’ll approach him. Due to the chaos of life; I’m ever aware that it will not go as planned. We try in spite of this. I will try, despite this.

Does he think of me when we are so far apart? If the ceiling crashes, I will kiss him in my dying breath. If we are gods chosen least favorites, I will pour out my heart to him on the highway. He’s a soul trapped in a body, my soul. When we are together, I feel his trapped in mine.

Has he ever thought of me like that? A soulmate is found on August 12th, the first day we met. I never believed in them. I still don’t. Not yet.

Does he love me? My heart says yes. My mind, she craves that it is so.

We sit together on a couch, 20 years later. Next to us is us on separate couches, in different states. A different world where I never tell him. The couch we’re sitting on is a brown leather, the color of his eyes. I turn away from the other us to look at him, he was already looking at me.

I never look back.

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The dilema:

-start focusing now because I won’t be able to have this much free time in college

-enjoy myself while I can and rot. Trust that I will pull through in four years

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If I had super powers I would be want to pause time so could take 3 hour breaks and still finish all my work in an hour. I NEED it dude. I’m getting radiated.

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February 8 2025

(Basically the state of my room)

I have been a hopeful wreck these last two days. I've been staying up later to do work and after I finish I treat myself to 2 extra hours of watching videos about Severance... oops! I adore this show so much but I'm going to quit that habit. The new episode on Friday was a joy.

Watched La-La Land for the first time today and it was beautiful. I really appreciated the set designs, the colors always complimented the actors' costumes and the lighting.

Practiced my instrument today, more than usual. It feels good. I want to do it more than I usually do. I build it up in my head as a daunting task but it really isn't.

Finished this abysmal essay assigned by my Literature teacher. I hated every second of it but I finished!

Worked on an assignment for Spanish class.

Cleaned my room some.

Worked on an art project. The halfway is due Tuesday so I will be STAYING on that grind.

Personally, I've been thinking a lot about passion. I don't have a passion, in the way it is commonly depicted. There isn't a thing that drives me out of bed every day. There isn't something that is the only thing for me, and if I can't do it I will be unhappy. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe not. I try to find it. But I enjoy so many things, almost equally. Who knows, I am still young. But Is youth not the time to be passionate? I don't want to wait to find a passion until it is too late. Maybe being passionate is my passion, haha. It will get easier, I know that.

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Can I sever myself when I have to write Essays?

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High School Tracking Blog

I'm making this blog with the purpose of using it as a way to keep me motivated and accountable throughout high school. I just started my second semester of freshman year and it feels like it went by so quickly. In the future when applying to colleges or feeling nostalgic, I want something I can look back on. As well, I want something to use to track my goals, achievements, and daily activities. Productivity and organization are some of the most important things to me. Recently, however, many obstacles have gotten in the way of that. I want to use this blog as a way to hold myself accountable.

Always, I want to be honest about what I did on here. I am not creating this for clout or for recognition. This is mostly a personal tool. But finding other people on here, exg. studyblr, who have the same goals is motivating. Even if I had a bad day where I didn't complete any work, I don't want to post and say I did everything I wanted to make myself feel better. This will probably be something no one ever sees, but I'm okay with that. My academics are incredibly important to me, and I put a lot of effort into maintaining my grade.

I also want to use this as a way to focus myself away from time wasters. I spend more time than I would like on youtube and other things like that. Even with the smallest amount of free time, I want to do something witht hat time instead of just wasting that time. I might post my screen time at times, as I want to lower it.

Classes

American Government

Biology

Geometry

Lit/Comp

Art

Concert Band

Physical Fitness

Spanish

Clubs and Affiliations

National Honors Society (Member)

Model United Nations (Founder and President)

Research Team (Secretary)

Fencing Academy (Member)

Art Gallery dept. (Member)

Concert band (First Chair)

Chess club (Member)

Academia

My largest academic interests are Linguistics and Mathematics. I'm going to be taking many AP classes next year and the following so I give myself time to start teaching myself the curriculum ahead of time. I also want to be consistent in thorough in studying for sat/psats. I always have troubles with studying. When I sit down to review, I don't know what to do. I already know all the material I review and it feels like a waste of time. Despite this, I will try to find time for it, and motivation.

Arts

I'm enrolled into band class, but it is not something I am very passionate about. I appreciate what it for what it is. But because it is only required for 2 years, I will not be taking it as soon as possible. I also am teaching myself guitar. I really enjoy rock music and would love to start a band. In a world where I have enough time, enough people interested, and a way to get everyone in the same place at the same time. My main track in school currently is Visual Arts, it is not the career I want to pursue. I really enjoy creating art. Graphite is something I very enjoy. Next year, I take AP art. There's a lot of summer work for that class I want to start on as soon as possible because there is many pieces in the assignment. As well, I need to practice my instrument more for band. I can tell that I am a weak link in our band department, which is very small.

Commitments

I've been hurting to make a list of everything I'm responsible for / commited to. I'm a secretary on the research team at my school. I have research to do and planning about my school credits. I contests for art I always need to be entering. I need to draw more. I have to practice a lot more. I should be doing a lot of research and prep for college and other programs. Planning for summer programs and post secondary application. Writing the essays. I have the club I started at school, MUN. Increasing the amount of members in it. Brainstorming ways to increase participation. Working on finding conferences to attend. Learning more about procedure.

As well I am learning two languages. I've been learning Spanish for 3 years and think I'm decent. I have spanish speaking family, so I can practice with them. As well I am teaching myself Russian, in contrast to Spanish which I am learning in a classroom setting. I always can be practicing those. I can always be tyding my room and keeping it cleaner. I am also writing a story. My ideal end goal woul dbe to have an animated TV series at some point in my life about this story. However, I think i will pursue it as a personal project to make a graphic novel or manga of it. I enjoy writing, but i dont want to take a creative writing class. I am also interested in music making, a family member gifted me a few pieces of equipment that I have not gotten much use out of. However, I would love to do it more. I'm sure I have countless more commitments, ones that I cannot think of at the moment. In the future, for moments like these where I cant remember all that i am tied to, I want to be able to use this blog as a steadfast reference.

Posts

I want to make a small post everyday of what I accomplished that day, highlights, lows, and any other information. Like an online diary. I may as well post intermediately of longer topics. I will probably update this post every-few months. I think this will be effective, It will be most effective if I avoid distraction of Youtube and of this site when I go online to make posts. I appreciate this.

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BLah blah blah

Im writing this for myself because jesus christ. LAZIEST week of my life. And i don't even hate it. I can't even FORCE myself to care. ALL i want to morning to night is to sit in my room and read. I know "do it even if you don't want to" "do it or you'll regret it" but I literllay JUST UGH.

There's a reason, I know. A quiet rebellion against myself. I've got so many challenging oppurtunities lined up for me. This is my last couple of weeks before shit really gets serious, it already should have. I KNOW how easy it is to mess up everything i have. Everything i coul dbe. I have GOOD chances in the future that i actually WANT and im so close to messig them up.

I wish there was a gun to my head to force me to do these things i need to. Some stakes. It feels so stupid, all of this work. Its the END of the year but i can't fuck up know. Ugh.

I want to do EVERYTHING. So much desire it's suffocating. To avoid it is my air. I need to do it. Every time i think i will i don't. How can I make this moment different from all the times i made that saem empty promise in the past. This same feeling.

This has to be the end. The end of my freedom. Not really, but mostly. That's what I dread. Every moment in the future will be a used opportunity, I'll miss THIS. Wasting time, being young. I'm still young, but i know i only will get older. But clinging to youth makes age sting sharper. I know what i need to do. I know what i want. I know what i cant. I know. But the words "i dont know" have creaked like a broken record repeating in my head. I dont know.

Its not something i can fix with one grand gesture, i know that. Telling myself "This is it, this will be when i start". Its a decision i have to make everyday. It will be hard, I'll be ready for it. I am. I can do it, I know. It's easy to forget how strong i've been before. I look at who i want to be and feel pathetic in comparison. It's so impossible, why even try. But looking at who I used to be, I know it's possible.

I can do it. Everyday I will. I mean it. Every decision. I won't quit. I'll use this to keep track. I'll study. I'll use my time wisely. I'll learn to. I can. I want to. The words feel empty know. I'll give them meaning. I've told myself this same thing 1000 times. "This time i'll to it". I wish I could say this was any different. Blind faith in a stranger, my furute self. Will they dissapoint me or make me proud. I don't know. I can hope and maybe that's enough.

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March.16.2025

Went to the gym.

Practiced for art class.

Set up new desk.

Finished Geometry home work.

Studied a little for Biology.

Read chapters for English class.

I saw my grandmother today. We ate together. She is worried about bills, again. I will not be okay when she leaves. She will be. I won’t be sad for her, she is ready to move on. Selfishly, I will mourn myself. That I will not feel her warmth again.

Song of the day “New jeans - New jeans”

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“Are you going to eat all that” you have gasoline and penis for breakfast everyday don’t touch me

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February 15 2024

Such a long day of traveling. Didn’t sleep much last night ( 1 hour! ) because I was up packing.

Our plane left at 6am so we had to leave the house even earlier. And we had a 2 hour layover.

When we got here it was still only 2pm so we took a tram ride and got stuck for like 4 minutes because of a snow storm. I had fun but my parents were freaked.

Trying to do homework at the hotel but so tired. Good day despite it all.

Travel makes my family lose patience so we were stepping on each other’s toes all day. After a nights rest we’ll be better.

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February 11 2024

Kinda crappy day. No external factors just personally. My personality and other social things left me feeling disappointed. Had PE, Band, Art, and Government today. Our schedule is still reversed which is weird. I gained 4 pounds over past few days which isn’t a lot but I could feel it and see it all day 😞.

We had the sit up test in PE. I was one of the first and did 45 which was big for me. Until the girl after me got 130! And the highest in the class was a boy with 200! Props to them because they’re super fitness focused and I have other things going in my life so I won’t compare.

Band class was just bad not to sugar coat it. I practice as much as I can and it’s still never enough. I’m definitely the weak link in our class period.

Art was fine. We presented our half way art projects (the picture). Mine is only 1/5 done but some people hadn’t even started so I got a good grade!

Had a test in government and passed well. Didn’t do anything for the rest of class.

NHS had our valentines social which was fun. It was less about romantic love and more about community love for the school… or something. This is where I really had my worst social moments… yeowch…

Band rehearsal was not better than class. But! But! My lesson today was really good, strangely enough. It was like being in the twilight zone.

Stayed up late to finish homework but not getting enough I’d sleep is normal now. I cannot wait to be able to go to bed at 8 and wake up at 7 everyday in my future. This is why I pass my classes 😭

Working on a personal art project ON TOP of all my other ones that I want to finish before Friday. Yes I do hate myself thank you for noticing 😁

I’ve been thinking about how I want to present myself to the world. Most people at school who I don’t know well think I’m this quiet mysterious chick who’s really serious. People who know me a little better think I’m a too silly goofball that’s clumsy and not that smart. If I had to pick between the two I think I’d rather people not think I’m an idiot! Shocking! Honestly I feel like the way I act with people I don’t know is more comfortable. Once I get closer with people i feel this obligation to play the fool. And after playing the fool once they never stop seeing you as one. Even if I somehow beat that compulsion, which is unlikely to happen quickly or any time soon. Maybe I should be kinder. Or the opposite and care less how people view me. Time to switch schools again! If only. Not really. I like my school, it’s just I make people view me in ways that I don’t want to be viewed in. Confusing and strange.

Song of the day: I don’t care - VIOLENT VIRA

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