#eventually mshenko

[permanentlylatetotheparty]

okay, as someone who could find almost exclusively playthroughs where shepard had a romance from the previous game , let me tell you i was NOT prepared for this interaction at the beginning of ME2

[clericofshadows]

REGIS SHEPARD and KAIDAN ALENKO MASS EFFECT 3 CITADEL DLC

[swaps55]

That ask about Shiala made me remember a thing I often thought and giggled about - One night the Yang crew went out drinking and dancing and competing over who could get the most people to give them their number (contact info, comm frequency or whatever) and obviously Sam won.

Please enlighten me! How?! Did he actually flirt? Did he make the people think that he flirted? Did he bully them into giving him their number? Did he let them know about the bet and made them play along?

And what did Kaidan think about it? Did he even try to win or did he sulk about Sam charming people all over the place?

And what about Sam? What did he think about Kaidan flirting around?

Ahaha, I have actually tried to write this a couple of times - including as a first kiss AU - and just not been successful. This is in part because Kaidan did get too sulky about it and the tone wasn't right for something that was supposed to be stupid, idiot, squad fun, and part of it because I do not know how to write about hitting on people in bars. XD

But I can tell you this: Sam wins because he doesn't try. He's not interested in anyone but has a lot of confidence and is insanely comfortable in his own skin. So he's a magnet for people who want to get in his pants. All he has to do is turn off the death stare that he uses to repel people.

Aslany is too hostile. If anything she probably winds up with a one night stand and no phone numbers. Clay doesn't win because he he's a quality over quantity kind of guy. At some point, Kara resorts to flashing people and probably nearly gets arrested, which further slows down Clay (though he probably manages to get the number of the person trying to throw Kara in the brig).

And Kaidan is just...not built for this, lol.

Eh, what the hell. This is what I wrote for that abandoned first kiss AU based on the Phone Number Contest:

~

“You know, this may be the first time I’ve been hit on so kindly by someone who would clearly prefer to be hitting on someone else.” The brunette woman sitting at the bar swirls the toothpick in her martini, eyebrow raised as Kaidan sighs and leans an elbow on the counter.

“Sorry.” Someone bumps his elbow trying to get to the bartender, and Kaidan shoots them an irritated look. The Space Bar is flooded with people tonight. Between the asari pop cover band on the stage in the back – humans shouldn’t cover asari songs; it just doesn’t sound right – and the overlapping conversations getting louder with each drink, it’s quickly becoming his least favorite place.

“You don’t do this often, do you?” the brunette asks, lip curving in a smile. She is attractive. No denying that. Beaudoin would be interested. Aslany, maybe.

Interested isn’t the point, he reminds himself.

Out of the corner of his eye, Shepard laughs as the woman he’s talking to across the room at a high-top table drops her shoulder and leans in closer. Kaidan takes a long, deliberate sip of his drink. The brunette follows his eye.

“He’s quite handsome, by the way.”

“I’m sorry?” The damn music is way too loud.

She nods towards Shepard. “He’s not into men, I’m guessing?”

A flush burns Kaidan’s neck. He’s not into anything, Kaidan almost says, but isn’t so far gone on the whiskey to let that thought slip out into the open. Though, if he drinks much faster, this damned game isn’t going to end with a winner – it’s going to end with someone peeling Kaidan off the floor.

He steals another glance at Shepard, who has parted ways with the woman and is now on his way back to the bar, pausing to waggle a subtle eyebrow in Kaidan’s direction before settling in to wait for the next one. He’s the only person Kaidan knows who can wear BDUs like they were tailored to fit him.

How the hell is he good at everything? Never in Shepard’s life has he wanted to pick someone up in a bar, yet an hour into this fucking game he’s had six people try and pick him up, and those are just the ones Kaidan’s seen.

“It’s, uh. It’s not. He’s not….” Kaidan clears his throat. “What did you say?”

At least she looks genuinely amused rather than ready to throw a drink in his face.

Kara Pendergrass chooses that moment to run up and practically barrel into his lap, nearly spilling his drink. “I fucking got one, can you believe this shit? People will do anything to see a pair of tits. Sex is so fucking weird.”

The brunette’s eyebrows nearly arch off of her head. Kaidan inserts himself between Pendergrass and the brunette, and apologizes. “Please don’t mind her. She means well.”

Pendergrass looks from him to the woman, then leans over Kaidan’s shoulder. “He’s a nice guy who puts up with a lot of shit, and you should give him your phone number. Because if you don’t, Beaudoin is going to win and I’ll have to watch him gloat about it for a week.”

Kaidan sets his drink on the bar, grabs Pendergrass by both shoulders and steers her away, apologizing over his shoulder to the wide-eyed brunette. They bump into at least four people before they find an open pocket that’s even closer to the dance floor and the crooning band.

“Why?” he demands.

“Come on,” she says with a grin. “She was gonna give it to you.”

“Hardly.”

She slugs him in the shoulder. “People like you, LT. Think it’s your face. If you tried not looking miserable, you might have more luck.”

Elsewhere in the bar, someone shrieks. Kaidan looks over his shoulder, fervently hoping he doesn’t know the cause, and sees Aslany standing over a very dismayed serviceman who is now wearing his drink.

“Fucking hell,” Kaidan mutters under his breath, already moving towards her, but Beaudoin gets there first, like he’d been keeping tabs on her the whole time. In the blink of an eye, Beaudoin is buying him a drink, escorting him away, and probably gets his phone number in the process.

…Did they plan that?

Are they a team? His competitive side flares up a little. Maybe more than a little.

[copiasthighhighs]

How I feel knowing I haven’t posted in 5 months

On a real note, I’ve been playing so much mass effect… Like… My current m!shep is SO gay for Kaidan and Cortez. FTM!Kaidan is such a great hc no one can tell me otherwise.

Let’s take a look at this QUEERBO !!!

Ladies, Gents, Enbies and everything in between, I present to you…

ASHKII CANEK SHEPARD 🎉🎉

(hes yucatec-navajo native & japanese… he canonically has a Tsiiyééł and sectoral heterochromia in his left eye ☝️🤓)

[timptoe]

As the Revel Meets the Day

And this is the second piece, which I wrote in less than a week. Four times someone sees Shepard in pain, and one time Shepard finally, finally has peace.

Because sometimes, even during the longest night of the longest year, you get a glimpse of the light returning.

Read it on Ao3.

--

let me die, let me drown lay my bones in the ground I will still come around  when the time for sleep is through

over hill, over dale through the valley and vale do not weep, do not wail I am coming home to you  - The Oh Hellos, “Thus Always to Tyrants”

—

pain

awful, excruciating pain

why

why can I feel pain

I shouldn’t be here

I should be done

I made the choice

a choice between three, but not a choice 

not really

only one option, pull the gun, fire at the weak point blow the whole thing to hell blow all of them to hell for us for them for him

Kaidan

I’m here

Kaidan

—-

He grunts as the bulkhead in front of them collapses forward. “That was too easy,” he mutters into his comm.

“Commander Bailey, what is that?” comes the low, terrified voice of the kid on his flank. Not a soldier, not even an adult, just a teenager he’d found huddled in a corner of the Presidium when the Reapers invaded. One of the few survivors he’d managed to hide in a burned-out storefront while the Reapers transported the whole goddamn Citadel to Earth. 

Earth. He can see it up there, in the cracks—the chasms—in the ceiling above his head. The automatic mass effect fields  are holding the air in for now, but he’s got no idea how long that’s gonna be for, not since that wave of red energy burst through the Citadel and fried anything with an on switch, from the internal communications array to his gun’s targeting computer to the fucking keepers. 

But not everything electrical. Not the mass effect fields automatically keeping gravity constant and the atmosphere stable. Not the helmets he and the kid are wearing on the off chance the atmosphere becomes unstable. And not the display screens all around the station, every one of which had started displaying the same message in the instant before the red wave swept through.

FIND HIM. And a set of coordinates.

“That,” Bailey says, answering the kid’s question, “is what we’re looking for. I think.”

It’s a pile of rubble, but it’s not. He’s no expert, but even with just a glance he can see that the tech half-buried amongst the twisted metal and sheared polymers is far, far beyond anything he’s ever seen on the Citadel or in any Alliance installation. He can’t even begin to guess what some of those pieces do, or even what material they’re made of. And really, he doesn’t care.

FIND HIM.

Somebody needs to be found.

“Alright folks,” he calls into his comm, gesturing to the gathered team behind him, “just like the last two times.”

Getting to this part of the Citadel was no mean feat. Along the way, they’d encountered more than a dozen other survivors who’d somehow survived the Reaper invasion, some of them drawn this direction by the message on the screens, others needing to rescued from rubble just like this.

Well. Not just like this.

But rubble’s rubble, and the team seems just as determined as Bailey to figure out what that final, unblinking message means. So they go to work.

It’s hours of digging. Hours of moving massive pieces of who-the-hell-knows-what. Hours of breaks, working in shifts, wondering out loud what that red wave was, why all the Reaper troops they encountered on the way were dead, why the Reaper ships they can just barely see through the chasms in the ceiling seem to be just floating derelicts, who it is that’s waiting under the rubble. Hours.

Until the moment comes.

“Commander, I think I found something!” the kid yells into his comm. Immediately, Bailey’s on his feet and running, lead in the pit of his stomach. He stops where the kid’s crouched, struggling to pull part of a bulkhead up.

Up and off of a pair of N7 greaves.

Bailey’s heart stops for the barest of moments. Holy shit. Then he bellows, “Over here!”

In seconds, dozens of hands have joined his and the kid’s, clutching at the bulkhead, lifting it carefully, revealing more of the buried figure. Precious seconds tick by as more of the rubble is cleared, more of the body is revealed, legs crushed but held together by state-of-the-art armor, chestplate all but melted away, bits of metal fused to the skin underneath but moving—somehow moving—with labored breath. The unmistakable red stripe on the right pauldron. The face, bruised and bloodied almost beyond recognition. Except for the single, piercing blue eye that locks onto Bailey.

“How…” Bailey says breathlessly.

“Who is it, Commander?” the kid asks.

Bailey kneels down next to the figure, gently takes his broken hand, feels the fingers weakly grip his. Something stirs within him, an emotion he doesn’t dare name, something he hasn’t felt since the Reapers took Earth. 

Maybe it’s gonna be alright.

He squeezes back and whispers, “It’s Shepard.”

Read the rest on Ao3.

[ageless-aislynn]

I made it!!!

Team Pink got us across the finish line, lol!

Riding the elevator down to meet Vigil, for some reason Shep turned around and stood like that the entire way. I kept expecting him to smooch Wrex on the forehead, lol!

Kaidan: "I mean, I wouldn't say no to some forehead smoochies, if anybody's asking..." 🥺🥰

I ran into a known bug that crashed the game during the final fight with Saren. 😵 If you use your biotics and accidentally yeet a Geth through a wall or otherwise out of the field of play, the game will freeze. 😱 So to get around that, I had to fight with just my guns. I also should've restricted Wrex and Kaidan from using their biotics as well, just in case, but I decided to give it a try first with only me not using biotics and that was good enough, whew!

Now, I'll next be going through ME2 on Casual/Narrative again, at least at first. I may raise it to Normal if I'm having good luck with my new class. As good as Adept was to me in ME1, the fact that all enemies are shielded or have barriers on Insanity and now you have to strip those off before your biotics will work AND Adepts don't have any powers that can do that, that all definitely nerfs the powerhouse thing I had going on in ME1. 😑

I've already tried Vanguard but it didn't suit my style of play very well. So I'm currently considering trying out Sentinel, since it's a sort of well-rounded class with an emphasis on surviving and defense. It also gives me a bit of RP, in thinking that Shepard becomes a Sentinel because he's missing his Sentinel:

*sighs wistfully in MShenko* 💘😉

Anyway! I mainly want to get through 2 again, this time with me knowing more how to use my squadmates' abilities and how to upgrade my weapons and such, all of which I really didn't start getting the hang of until 3 and then used a lot in this last run of 1. Since I'm anticipating 2's Insanity run to be so difficult, I might even do a second complete run on Normal (or Veteran, if I raised the difficulty this time) if I don't feel strong as a Sentinel. I'm also considering Infiltrator but I'm not naturally suited for a stealth style and, while I like having access to a sniper when I need it, I don't want to be dependent on it. I really do best with something that fires quickly, like an assault rifle or SMG.

I unfortunately didn't set myself up very well when it comes to the eventual ending when I get to ME3, I didn't find all of the Matriarch writings, for example, and I know that's going to cut down on some of my ME3 War Assets. But honestly, if I can get through 2 and 3 on Insanity but have to accept the "bad" Destroy ending because of low War Assets, I'll be okay with that. Once I've hopefully managed to get all of the Insanity achievements, I'm going to start over fresh as Femshep and then I can try out some of the other classes as well as romance Kaidan 🤗 and then Garrus 🤗 and get the better endings then.

Welp, that's my plan for later. For now... Dance party!

Love you, friends, and I hope you're doing well! 🤗💖

[atoastbw]

The Stars and Infinity on High

Shepard runs Spectre, a tattoo studio on the Normandy Shopping Street, where the other stores are owned by and employing friends that he has come to consider his family. It's a good life in this community he's found and he has no compliants, especially not after the life he's had growing up. But when a flower shop opens in the unit across the street, his life is disrupted in the best way possible when he meets the owner, the good natured and handsome Kaidan, whose presence is unexpected but welcome. Shepard's never been this drawn towards anyone, both fascinated and scared by the intensity of the attraction he feels. If only his friends can stop being so involved in his love life, then maybe he'll be able to figure out his feelings for Kaidan.

A Mshenko tattoo parlour / flower shop AU inspired by rom coms.

Rating: E (for eventual smut)

Read the first chapter here!

[ramblinganthropologist]

Alright, what I think I'm gonna do is play ME1 and ME2, attempt to game edit so Garrus and Al are a thing in 2... then play 2 twice with 1 Garrus romance and 1 Kaidan.

Sounds good? Sounds good. I get to test my modding abilities early, maybe I won't completely fuck my game up.

Kaidan, the mshenko prophecy of... 2016? will be fulfilled. Eventually. I wanna see if I can mod cool outfits for Al first so he can look good. No way my baby is wearing Cerberus shit in ME2.

[theoriginalladya]

WIP Wednesday

So, no surprise, another Shepard in my head! lol  

Gabriel “Ree” Shepard    Colonist/Ruthless/Adept

Still trying to sort him out, but to do so I’ve been drabbling.  Here’s a bit of the drabble.  Super rough, but a good start.

~~~

He is known as the Avenging Angel of Mindoir; the only survivor, the only one who knows.  The man who watched as his parents were butchered by batarian slavers, the one who fought back, alone, taking as many of them down with him as he could.  Only, he didn’t.  By the time the Alliance found him, he’d killed a good two dozen on his own; he nearly took out the commander of the squad who found him.  Batarians know him by name, some by face; those who are smart enough fear him.  Most are not that smart.  They view him as a trophy to be won; proof to the hegemony that the Alliance has it out for them.  

He is one man, one voice, one Angel.

He is known as the Butcher of Torfan.  The cold-hearted, calculating, ruthlessly efficient lieutenant who sacrificed most of his unit deep in the strongholds of that moon; the one who executed surrendering batarians rather than take them prisoner.  Assigned this mission specifically because he does not flinch when duty requires it. The batarians wanted him brought up on war crimes; to reward his success, the Alliance sends him to ICT, to train as the perfect weapon, the one to send in for worst case scenarios.  

He is one man, one voice, one soldier.

Gabriel “Ree” Shepard cares not what others think of him.  He has a job, a duty, a purpose; that is all that matters.  The happy-go-lucky kid from Mindoir, the kind-hearted soul so willingly generous with his time for those who asked of it; that person was killed when the batarians attacked, executed along with his family, his friends and everyone else who failed to make it off the colony.  Ree Shepard died and Gabriel Shepard, the Avenging Angel, was born from his ashes.

And the galaxy hasn’t been the same since…

[ahhrenata]

[nautseverywhere]

Two bros gradually getting closer and closer during the fight as they are both very gay for each other.....bi for each other.

They are both bi disasters.

So much so that this Shepard is gonna romance Tali in ME2 then finally work out his feelings properly and get with Kaidan in ME3.

[clericofshadows]

the story of a weapon

Description: Late at night, Kaidan is unable to sleep, and runs into Nyx Shepard, up late and working on his beloved dagger.

Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/Nyx Shepard, Past Nyx Shepard/Steven Hackett

Rating: M

Note: Nyx Shepard is a First Contact War Shepard, so he's quite a bit older than Kaidan. I'm also considering making him a no-Reapers AU Shepard, but there's no mention of that yet.

Late at night, Kaidan found himself unable to sleep, tossing and turning, so he got up and decided to head to the little kitchen aboard the Normandy.  Perhaps to brew some tea, grab a snack, or change the scenery to calm his mind.

Either way, he was sure that he was going to have a rough shift tomorrow.  He yawned, entering the kitchen without paying attention to his surroundings, rummaging around for the stash of tea he stored in the upper cabinets.

“Can’t sleep either?” The rough voice of Nyx surprised him, nearly dropping the box of tea bags he grabbed from the back. His hair was pulled out of its usual ponytail, spilling over his shoulders in silver strands.

“Didn’t see you there,” Kaidan chuckled, setting the box down and getting down a mug.  “Since I'm here, do you want a mug?”

He motioned to a bright pink, chipped mug that had his name surrounded by sparkles.  There had to be a story about that.  “Already made myself some hot chocolate.  Not much of a tea drinker,” he said.  

Kaidan nodded.  “Fair enough.  I just couldn’t sleep.  Restless, I guess.”  He filled the kettle with water and waited for it to heat up and placed the tea bag in his mug, adorned with hand-painted trees, a gift from his mother.  

“Aren’t we all?” Nyx muttered, picking up a polishing cloth from a kit on the table.  Kaidan tilted his head to the side, watching as he started to examine a dagger in the dim light of the ship.  There was a routine to his movements, holding up the blade, polishing, changing the angle, polishing… A frown formed on his face, and Kaidan could see a hint of pink poking out from his lips.

“Ask your question, Kaidan,” Nyx said, trading the cloth for a whetstone.  “I can hear your thoughts from a mile away.”

The kettle whistled, and he busied himself with his tea, a blend perfect for relaxing and sleep.  Maybe it will work.  Slightly embarrassed about being caught out, he delayed his response until he could join Nyx at the table, sitting diagonal from him to give him more workspace.

“Move closer,” Nyx said, motioning for him to sit next to him.  

“You have quite the spread here.  Didn’t want to disturb your meticulous workspace,” Kaidan said with a smile, sliding his mug over and moving to the seat next to Nyx.  “Doesn’t look like any old dagger.”

There was simplicity to the craftsmanship, but it had roots in older Earth designs.  Perhaps a remnant of the War, something Nyx carried with him as a reminder or as a trusted companion.  The blade had a marbled finish, with an S etched in the blade.  For Shepard, perhaps?  The pommel was the most eye catching part, a smooth grip that warped into a skull.  Nyx had an edge to him, purple eyes and piercings that contrasted his aged, gruff appearance.  The skull suited him, a hint of personality on an otherwise basic blade.

Nyx had a lot of faces, keeping his cards close to his chest.  Even while playing poker, Kaidan could best the man, who could count cards like no other and had a steely expression the entire time.

No, Kaidan seemed to only know the man in the afterglow of sex, seeing someone who had a heart kept locked away for too long, charm and humor leaking out in the glow of pleasure and happiness.

But some of that man was starting to show through now as he picked it up to present to Kaidan, pride evident on his face.  He offered it to him, and Kaidan took it.

Kaidan took the dagger into his hands, turning it over carefully. His fingers traced the fine etching of the 'S' on the marbled blade.

Nyx's intense purple eyes watched Kaidan closely as he examined the dagger.  "You've been in my goddamn bed," Nyx finally stated, a small grin playing on his lips. "So, you've seen a lot of me. But not many have been close enough to see his blade on neutral ground.”

Kaidan felt a flush of warmth creeping up his cheeks, but he didn't shy away from Nyx's probing gaze. "Well, I'd say it's quite an honor," he replied, his tone playful, though tinged with a sense of curiosity. "Your bed and now this?  What’s next…”

“You tell me,” He chuckled.  “Every weapon has a story.  What is mine?  You get one question, the rest you try to figure out on your own.”

A test, then.  Nyx was fond of those, always finding ways to keep the crew on its toes.  Kaidan held up the dagger, examining it closely.  His gaze fell back on the 'S.' “I’m afraid I have to go for the low-hanging fruit on this one.  True or False: The ‘S’ doesn’t stand for Shepard.”

He laughed, the sharp bark filling the room.  “Should’ve known you would’ve asked that.  You’re right. It’s not for Shepard.”

Kaidan looked at him expectantly.

Nyx seemed to chew on it for a moment before offering him another hint.  “The ‘S’ stands for Steven.”

A starting point, not enough to go anywhere, the name common enough that it could be from anyone.  A brother, a friend, a family member…  a lover?  

“He's someone who's climbed the ranks, close to my age… stayed in the Alliance while I took a break,” Nyx offered.  “I’ve given you plenty to work with.”

“Have you?  Might want to get your memory checked out,” Kaidan teased.  

Nyx rolled his eyes, not rising to the bait.  “Clock is ticking.”

“You never said there was a timer.”

“There is now.”

“I don’t see you pulling out your omnitool.”

“I have a brain that can count just fine.”

Kaidan shook his head at Nyx, playing around with what he had learned so far.  A name, a connection to the Alliance… close to his age.  A name immediately popped in his head, but it didn’t want to voice it just yet.

Could it be?  Nyx had a gap in his service history, choosing to become a civilian engineer for a few years before returning to the Alliance, rising through the ranks and eventually attempting N training.  

His thoughts drifted back to a mission, to the post mission report from a personal request from Admiral Steven Hackett, asking Shepard to rescue a group of scientists from biotic fanatics.  "I remember one mission," Kaidan began, his tone thoughtful. "The drugged scientists we rescued.  You were giving your report back to Hackett in the comm room, and you were… quite casual with him.”

Nyx's eyes lit up as he nodded, a faint smile on his lips.  “Good memory.  You were just walking out when we started talking, yes?”

“Veterans of the First Contact War,” Kaidan continued with a nod.  “Both enlisting early on… you could’ve fought together.”  And done a hell of a lot more than that.

Kaidan offered the dagger back to him.  “Am I wrong?”

Nyx took it and put it back in its sheath.  “The dagger was part of a pair.  An ‘S’ and an ‘H.’” He sighed, closing his eyes, memories playing on his face.  His expression slowly stilled.  “Maybe I didn’t want to say it out loud.  But yes, he and I shared more than just the battlefield.”

“Why tell me this?” Kaidan took a long, slow sip of his tea.

“I know what we share is risky.  Even as a Spectre, whatever I make public will still follow you.” He met his gaze once more.  “Just giving you some of the cards so you can make a decision on what you want to do next.”

Kaidan narrowed his eyes.  “Do you think I’m going to run away because you still carry around something that means a lot to you?”

Nyx shook his head, a hint of exasperation in his voice. "No, Kaidan. It’s… complicated."

“Then make it less complicated.  Shepard, stop being so damn cryptic.  I don’t want ‘cards’ or whatever you want to call this.” He gestured between them.  “I want you to be honest with me.”

Nyx's expression softened, and for a moment, his guard lowered. "Kaidan…”

Kaidan wasn't going to let him off the hook.  “Don’t ‘Kaidan’ me,” he retorted.  “Do I need to spell it out?  I wanted something out of this, despite all the risks.  Hell, I know you have the damn authority to overrule the Alliance’s rules on fraternization on board this ship as long as you are in command as a Spectre.  Are you trying to scare me away because you still have feelings for him?”

Nyx's calm exterior was maddening, and Kaidan's voice took on a sharper edge as he continued to press.  “Tell me what's going on in that head of yours.  That first night we got together, you admitted that you were seeking out comfort on the anniversary of Torfan.  Where is that openness now?”

Nyx met Kaidan's intense gaze with a mixture of reluctance and vulnerability. He still made no move to defend himself or to meet Kaidan's tone.

"Nyx," Kaidan said, his voice firm. "I'm not going to back down on this.”

Nyx's eyes flashed with a mixture of frustration and something else, something deeper. He leaned in closer, the distance between them shrinking, and Kaidan saw that his violet eyes were rimmed with blue. The gravity well stirred, and Kaidan kept his face still, betraying none of his surprise that Nyx, born far before the first gen, was a biotic.  "What are you going to do, Kaidan? Give me an ultimatum? You or Hackett?"

Nyx never made any indication on the battlefield that he was a biotic, and if this made him react, Kaidan struck a nerve hard.

Nyx was a damn anomaly, contrasting everything he knew about exposure, 

Kaidan met his gaze, keeping his tone steady, careful to not let his own biotics react in turn.  Most biotics aren’t able to sense subtle changes in the gravity well.  Maybe Nyx assumes he’s one of them.  "I don't want to give you an ultimatum.  I want you to choose what you want. If it's him, then I deserve to know.  If it's me, then we need to build something real together. But I won't stand by while you play these mind games, dropping hints about your past and then hiding behind vague answers."

Nyx was visibly angry now, eyes flashing with fury, the blue glow gone as quickly as it arrived.  “You think it's that simple? Just choose one or the other?”

“Then why show me your damn dagger, if you didn’t want to get a reaction out of me?  Trying to tell me you have baggage, that you aren’t worthy of what we’re starting to have?” Kaidan pressed on.

Kaidan hadn’t yet told him about BAaT, biding his time, only vaguely alluding to his past.  But after seeing what had to be biotics, it was something he wanted to share.  To talk with someone who wasn’t his family.  

Nyx’s face twisted, from anger to frustration and then to resignation.  He let out a deep sigh.  “The last time I had something meaningful was with him.  And it was spurred on by the backdrop of the fucking war.  After the war and after I left… We tried to continue.  Didn’t work out.  And now that I’m back in the Alliance, I made my own path.  Even tried to give him back his damn dagger, but he said they were meant to be shared.  Bastard.”

“Worried that with our current mission we’re starting another battlefield relationship?” Kaidan asked softly.  

“We already had some of our firsts outside of it, I know.” He ran his hand down his face, covering his mouth with his hand.  “But what about after?  We’ve saved a human colony, done some tasks for the Alliance...  What if the stakes get higher?”  They will get higher was left unsaid, but Kaidan heard it all the same.

“Then we will work through them,” Kaidan insisted.  “If you want me to wait until after this mission, I can and I will.”

“No, I don’t want that,” Nyx said, vulnerable.  He started to put his kit back together, his hands shaking ever so slightly, putting the dagger on his belt.  “Shit, Kaidan.  I care about you too much to do that to you.  I know what we have is still new, and to be completely honest, I’ve never been good at slowing down.”

“No shit,” Kaidan chuckled.  “I’ve seen you out in the field.”

The tension started to lift, and Nyx gave him a smile. “Haven’t seen anyone complain yet.  Can’t keep up?”

“You know damn well I can keep up with you.”

Nyx leaned in closer.  “I suppose you have proven that to me.  Join me for a moment in my quarters.  We can spin it as if you need some quiet rest from a migraine, hmm?”

The whiplash of the request nearly startled him.  “And what exactly are we going to do in your quarters,” he asked flatly, not yet letting him off the hook.

Nyx… Kaidan found himself falling for him far quicker than he expected.  If he was willing to entertain the idea of telling him about BAaT, there had to be something there.  

But with what he learned now?  It changed things, some. 

He was willing to hear him out.  Perhaps this whole charade was Nyx’s way of trying to reveal some parts of his past.  Taking the decision out of his hands by asking Kaidan to figure it out.

“Talk about this–” he motioned between them.  “Maybe more.”

Kaidan nodded, picking up his forgotten mug and dropping it in the sink.  “Lead the way.”

Nyx gathered his things, put his mug away,  and let him inside.  No one was still around at this hour, thankfully, to see their display, both of them forgetting themselves for a moment.

Nyx sat down on the bed.  Kaidan joined him, their thighs touching.

“Not that I’m trying to give you a hard time…” Kaidan started, and Nyx let out another laugh.

“Well deserved, at this point, I’m sure,” Nyx replied.  “Steven and I… I don’t know if it would have lasted outside of the war.  It sure as hell didn’t help that we had too much distance after I left to deal with my own shit.” His fingers twitched, as if reaching for something.  A cigarette, maybe.  “Been a long time since I let someone in, knowing I always wondered what could've been.  Two old soldiers, forever shaped by a war that should have never happened.”

Kaidan stayed silent, letting him speak.  Nyx glanced over at Kaidan, and he offered him a smile in response.  Nyx continued, “A part of me was scared to talk about it.  Never done it before.”

“Is that why you wanted me to figure it out on my own?” Kaidan asked, voicing his earlier thoughts.  “So you didn’t have to tell me yourself?”

Nyx winced.  “I’m sorry.”

Kaidan nudged him with his shoulder.  “No, you’re not.  Sure, I’m a little annoyed at you, but I could tell that you were jumping into something new.  Never expected a guy like you to be so hesitant.”

Nyx looked like he wanted to say something, but Kaidan stopped him with a peck on the lips.  “Don’t worry, I like that about you,” he said, pulling back.

Nyx slowly smiled, shaking his head.  “Don’t want to ruin this, and I feel like I started to.”

Kaidan shrugged.  “We all have conflicts, and we’re talking about it.  Could be worse.”

“No shit,” Nyx snorted.  “I should not be new to all this shit.”

Kaidan shoved him, pushing him down to where Nyx was now lying on the bed.  “I didn’t complain when you taught me how to best configure a drone.”

“That’s different.” He made no move to get up.

“How so?” Kaidan leaned back.  “Just filling gaps in our knowledge, that’s all.”

Nyx rolled his eyes and sat back up.  “Whatever, Alenko.”  Kaidan rested his head on his shoulder.  

“You know, you can tell me about him,” he offered as an olive branch.  “If you need someone to share the memories with, if it makes it easier.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Nyx wrapped an arm around him and pulled him in close.  He ran his fingers through Kaidan's hair.  Kaidan closed his eyes, leaning into his touch.

A quiet moment between them, neither one moving to change it.

Until Kaidan figured he should reveal a secret of his own.  “My biotics… make it difficult sometimes to find someone.  Ever since my training, I’ve always felt to stay in control all the time.  I’ve had people shy away when I glow blue.” He chuckled, only to release the tension, but he hated that he felt like he had to be so casual about it.  “And then you came along, and accepted all of me.  Making me feel… human.”

“I’m not blind,” Nyx said.  “I know you’re a powerful biotic.  You try to hide it, but I know you’re holding back.  You felt a change in the gravity well earlier and was kind enough to not point it out.”

Kaidan raised up to get a better look at him.  His face was neutral, betraying nothing.  Kaidan nodded for him to continue.  

“So when you say you feel like you need to stay in control, for me it's tenfold.  The Alliance keeps it under wraps, hell, I shouldn’t even be telling you,” Nyx continued, staring at the door.  “Got exposed to a shitton of eezo in an explosion.”  A far off look appeared in his eye.  “I was the only survivor, barely clinging to life.  It’s where I got some of these scars.” He pushed up his sleeves, arms marked by silvery scars.  “Among other things,” he sighed.  “It wasn’t until years later that I manifested, not long after reenlisting.  Sworn to secrecy with a damn asari-designed implant and amp in my head.”

Kaidan wasn’t sure what to comment on first.  “Asari designed?” he asked, testing the waters.

Nyx seemed grateful for the simple question, giving him a small smile and rubbing the back of his neck.  “Hackett asked for a favor from a friend.  A matriarch who specializes in cybernetics and biotics.  They did more than just give me an implant, made a whole new interface to make it easier for me to manage out in the field.”

He and Hackett not only had a close past, but he also protected him from the obvious blowback that an older gen biotic would create, keeping him free from human interventions.  How can Kaidan really compete with that?

He’s going to try. 

Kaidan never let go of him while he told his story.  He rested his head back on his shoulder.  “Thank you for telling me.”

“This won’t change anything out on the field,” Nyx said.  “I’m still just an engineer.”

“You aren’t ‘just’ anything,” Kaidan scoffed.  “But I figured.  Not meant to be used unless you leave no witnesses?”

Nyx grinned, his gaze shifting to meet Kaidan's.  “Something like that.  Maybe one day, I can show you what I can do.”

“I may hold you to that.” Kaidan's playful grin mirrored Nyx's.

“I’m sure you will.”

“You know, there’s a part of my own file that’s classified.  I’m sure you saw it,” Kaidan started to say.

“Don’t feel like you need to tell me anything,” Nyx said.  “I did see that.  Of course, I was intrigued, but anything can be classified. Not everything is as juicy as mine.”

“I’m not telling you out of obligation.  Feels like this is a good time.”  

Nyx nodded, motioning for him to continue.   Kaidan took a deep breath and told him about BAaT, about Brain Camp.  He told Nyx about BAaT, about Brain Camp, who set it up, and the brutal training that young biotics endured there. He described his own eezo exposure, how he ended up there, and the instructor, Vyrnnus, who held a personal grudge against him. 

“I was a little shit back then.” Kaidan admitted with a rueful smile.  “Vyrnnus introduced himself by saying, ‘I was at the helm of the dreadnought that killed your father.’  I replied back saying my father wasn’t involved in the war.  He had it out for me after that,” Kaidan said, taking a breath.

“Hiring a First Contact War veteran to teach young children?  Fucking idiots,” he cursed, shaking his head.  “I’m no fan of turians, but I’m not about to gloat about what I did during the war.”

Nyx didn’t judge when he talked about Rahna, about keeping an eye on her and his fellow biotics, his feelings for her and what he wanted them to turn into.

Kaidan didn’t shy away from any details, the ruthlessness of the turian mercs teaching him how to turn himself into a weapon, how to control himself and to tear apart others with the dark energy that rested inside of him.

"You either came out a superman or a wreck. A lot of kids snapped. A few died.  Didn’t help that we all were L2s.  Spiking high with all the side effects you can think of.”

Nyx nodded.  “Chakwas told me about your implant. Just the basics,” he reassured, but Kaidan had made it clear to Chakwas that she could divulge that information, important for his superiors officers to know if something were to go wrong.  “Never got a refit?”

“Too many risks.  At minimum, I would lose my extra power.  At worst, I’ll lose everything.”  Kaidan closed his eyes briefly.  “Anyway, it all came to a head one day.  We had to build something with our biotics and not drop any pieces.  The catch was that some of us didn’t receive our rations, and we were expected to do this for hours.  And we did.

“Rahna nearly dropped a piece, and I was able to catch it just in time.  But Vyrnnus noticed it, praising me and taunting us with a glass of water.”

“He wanted you to reach out and grab it, didn’t he?” Nyx said, catching on.  “But with your biotics.”

Kaidan nodded.  “I warned her, but it was too late.  She reached out for it with her hand, and he broke her arm with his biotics.”

“And you snapped,” Nyx said. 

“I stood up, not really knowing what I was going to do.  Vyrnnus lost it.  Beat the crap out of me, kept shouting that they should’ve bombed us back to the stone age.  And that’s when the knife came up.”  Kaidan traced the scar that bisected his lip.  “Military issue talon, right in my face.  I cut loose, gave him a full biotic kick right in the teeth.  About as strong as I can manage now.” 

Kaidan rose up slightly, and Nyx cupped his face, traced the scar on Kaidan's lip with a gentle touch of his thumb.  “Sounds like the bastard deserved it.  Good.”

Kaidan closed his eyes, his voice heavy with regret.  “Was it?  I killed him, snapped his neck.  They probably could’ve saved him if they got him to an infirmary quick enough.  But they didn’t. Caused a stir when they shipped him home and BAaT training was shut down.  Conatix folded a couple of years later.  It’s funny,” he sighed.  “I’m not sure which of us got the worst of what happened.”

“From where I stand, Vyrnnus got what was coming to him,” Nyx said, his voice carefully neutral.  

“I’m not upset he’s dead,” Kaidan emphasized, appreciating his restraint but wanting to make his own feelings clear.  “Just sorry I killed him.  I wasn’t prepared for that.”

“How old were you?” Nyx asked.

“Seventeen,” he replied.  “I dropped out of sight for a bit.  They let me go.  I guess they wanted it to blow over as much as I did.  I came back on my own terms because I wanted to serve.  So, yeah.  I hated that turian, but he wasn’t a turian to me,” Kaidan finished.  “Just another asshole thinking he had the right to control and target us.  Didn’t matter who or what he was.  All the same in the end.”

Nyx leaned back on the bed, and Kaidan joined him, allowing himself to cuddle up next to him. Their bodies fit together perfectly, and Nyx turned to face him, a mischievous grin slowly forming on his lips.

Kaidan's eyebrows furrowed as he saw that grin. "Oh no."

"And here I thought you were damaged goods," Nyx teased, his eyes dancing with amusement.

Kaidan chuckled, the tension of their earlier conversation melting away. He pointedly kissed the crossed scar on Nyx's temple, causing Nyx to roll his eyes but to also blush slightly at the unexpected affection. "I've got a few scratches and dents," Kaidan admitted, "but don't we all? I hope they give me character."

“They give you more than that.  Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me that.”

“I could say the same thing about you.”

Nyx shrugged, kissing his forehead.  “I trust you.”

And that’s all that Kaidan needed to hear.  He surged forward and claimed his mouth in a passionate kiss, running his tongue over his mouth and letting out a pleased sound when he let him in.  

Tonight's conversation had left Kaidan with many thoughts and questions, but one thing was clear: Nyx had charmed his way into his heart with his reserved yet cocky attitude, which melted away the moment they were alone.

Before things could escalate further, they reluctantly broke apart. Nyx's face was flushed, his lips swollen from their heated kiss. "Still too risky," he admitted, his desire evident in his eyes. "But damn, I want you."

Kaidan smiled, rolling off of him and swinging his legs over to the edge of the bed. “Maybe we can get some time off the ship for a bit.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Nyx chuckled, stretching out on the bed, making no move to hide the bulge that was forming in his fatigues.  “It’s been nice having you to myself, but one day, I want to be able to be open with you.”

“Me too,” Kaidan said, his mind helpfully supplying that maybe his connection with Hackett could help along with his Spectre status.  He tried to keep his face still, but Nyx narrowed his eyes, a smirk forming on his face.

“What are you thinking about over there, Lieutenant?”  Oh, he wants to play it that way?

Kaidan took a moment and decided to go along with it. He straightened his posture, arms crossed against his chest. "Permission to speak freely, sir?" he requested playfully.

“Granted,” he chuckled.  “We are playing around with that later.”

“Could you get Hackett to sign off on it along with your Spectre authorization?” He asked point blank, choosing not to comment on his previous statement just yet. He wasn't opposed to the idea... depending on how Nyx wants to spin it.

Nyx frowned.  “He’s not the only higher up we’d have to worry about, but yes, I’ve thought about it.  I don’t want anything to blow back on you.”

This again, trying to protect him from himself.  

“Not worried about your own career?”

“Not while I’m a Spectre,” Nyx parroted back but relented quickly with a sigh. “I’ll test the waters with him at the bare minimum and see what he says.  Bastard might even bring Anderson in to see what he thinks as well.”

Kaidan moved back to sit on the edge of the bed.  “I don’t want you to think I'm trying to rush you into anything.”

Nyx joined him, sitting up and resting his chin on Kaidan's shoulder. "Don't worry," he said with a small smile. "You are getting my ass into gear about something I should've already inquired about. We made the decision to continue even after we learned we'd be serving together.  Again, I–”

Kaidan was quick to interject. “If you are going to apologize, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Fair enough.  Still, it’s obvious I haven’t… talked about it much with anyone.  I’d like to tell you some stories.  Things you won’t see in vids or reports or interviews.  The real version of the War.”

“And maybe I can share some things I learned at BAaT that are far better than the standardized stuff you may have learned.”

“I’ll hold you to that.  Try to get some sleep, Kaidan.  Might be a long day.”  Nyx kissed him on the cheek before lying back in the bed.

“You too, Nyx.”  Kaidan reached for his hand to give a quick squeeze before exiting his quarters. 

No one was around to ask about his business.

Kaidan let out a breath.  Nyx… was so damn infuriating sometimes.  And now, Kaidan feels like he’s met yet another version of him.  A man left behind by the war, still pining over a lost love.

A part of him is angry at Nyx for telling him the way he did, but another part of him is comparing the whole situation to Rahna and his own past.

Maybe once he gets some sleep he’ll have a clearer head, but Kaidan wasn't sure if he'd ever fully understand all the different faces of the man who had come into his life.

[swaps55]

Mezzo - 11 - Gravity

Pairing: mshenko | Rating: M

Tags: Canon-typical violence, trauma, dealing with your problems poorly, body autonomy struggles  

Summary: The twists and turns of ME2, through the eyes of everyone but Commander Shepard.

Chapter Summary: The aftermath.  

Chapter 10: Gravity | Read on Ao3

12 December 2185, Shadow Sea, Iera System, Horizon, Kodiak 9755, Normandy SR-2 Approach

The Kodiak lifts off with a jerk that Miranda feels in her gut. Shepard stands rather than sits, gripping a handle hanging from the ceiling tight in his fist, eyes gazing out the shutter as Horizon disappears beneath them.

“Shepard,” she says quietly.

“EDI,” Shepard says into the comm before she can say another word. “I need that ship. Do we know where it was headed?”

“I was unable to extrapolate likely destinations based on relay vector. However, it is likely they are returning through the Omega 4.”

“Can we catch them before they get there?”

“Negative.”

Shepard slams his fist against the bulkhead. It leaves a dent.

“We can use the data from EDI’s scans—” Miranda begins, but Shepard cuts her off.

“What was Project Overlord?”

She stutters. “I—”

“What was Project Overlord?”

“Shepard, I don’t know. But I will find out.”

He holds her gaze before striding out of the hold in favor of the cockpit.

Silence reigns.

“Solus, if you don’t shut down these oscillators I’m going to rip them off,” Jack speaks up eventually.

“Certainly.”

A few keystrokes to his omnitool later, the gravity well shifts, that heavy, cold feeling evaporating. Grunt groans in relief. Miranda stares at her hands.

“You knew Shepard’s former crew was down there,” she says aloud, directing her attention to Vakarian.

“Alenko, yeah,” he admits. “Shepard didn’t say anything about the others. I…don’t think he knew.”

Her fists curl into her lap. The Illusive Man told Shepard, but didn’t tell me. Shepard had told Vakarian but hadn’t seen it necessary to inform his second in command. How can I do my job if I am perpetually left in the dark?

Shepard reappears moments later, eyes on Grunt. “As soon as we dock, take those salvaged weapons to Taylor. I want to know everything about them.”

“The more we know, the better we kill,” Grunt declares, smashing his fist against the arm rest. It buckles.

Shepard paces the compartment with an almost frantic, nervous energy, rattling off his orders like he’s afraid of the space between the words. “Solus, I want a personal debrief on the seeker swarm countermeasure in two hours.”

“Countermeasure effective, but hoping data collected during mission will provide insight for improving efficacy while minimizing side effects.”

“Thank fuck,” Jack says, eyeing Shepard warily. The gravity well ripples as she twirls dark energy in her fingers.

Shepard grits his teeth. “I need to know if we learned anything about their physiology. Technology. Communication. Get whoever you need to go through the data. I want answers.”

“Understood.”

“Lawson, I need a better plan than ‘figure out the Omega 4.’ I need a damned target. I’m not playing cat and mouse with these assholes.”

Read from the beginning | Read the rest on Ao3 | The Mezzo Playlist

[tiny-banana-time]

WIP Whenever, tagged by the lovely @theoriginalladya ! Not gonna tag anyone in particular, but if you see this: add a sentence to a WIP for me.

This actually just came about tonight when I went to take another look at editing the first two chapters... They're almost done, but this is brand new, so have the beginning of chapter 3 on the Marathon.

"What is it about airlocks that every cycle is just uncomfortable silence?"

Klaus is… stocky. Built, with thick arms crossed over a thicker chest and broad from tip to toe. Jay's far from scrawny but still can't help but think his new XO might be able to snap him in two over a knee.

"Seems like nobody ever knows what to say."

"Like now," Jay adds. "It's almost as if small talk gets locked out behind you."

"Yeah. Pretty much."

Klaus shifts on the balls of his feet, sniffs like his nose is running, and doesn't take his eyes off the red ring of the door lock. Before Jay can start fidgeting with the strap of his duffel, the ring goes green and air hisses around them, the interior lock opening to the hall between cockpit and CIC. A moderate drone of activity sounds off through the room as they make their way around the Galaxy map – engineers replace a wall panel while a pair of analysts check measurements at a line of terminals – but the drone turns to distinct voices as they approach a meeting room at the back.

Five Marines await them at an oval table within. Two practically talk over each other while the others watch.

"No, no, no, Blasto 3 is leaps and bounds better than 2!" A pair of serious, fiercely shaped eyebrows are raised far enough up her forehead to almost hit the tight red-brown curls at the top, brown eyes shocked and locked on the man across her. "2 was a poor sequel riding the coattails of the original, and 3 is them actually doing something new with the series!"

"Lala," her opponent begins – fluffy, dark hair waving back and forth when he shakes his head – "look, no. Everyone is entitled to their wrong opinions, okay? But Blasto 2 –" he's cut off mid-sentence by Lala.

"'Wrong opinion', Romeo? Oh you will regret–"

"Ahem," Klaus exaggerates the clearing of his throat. All five occupants scurry to stand at attention around the table, and Jay almost defaults to joining them before recalling the new chain of command. These were the members of his Marine Detail. Yes, they all reported to Commander Pfund here, but he was second-in-charge. 

And that would certainly take some getting used to.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

wip wednesday whenever! Tagged by the awesomely wonderful @ejunkiet, and I finally beat back writer’s block enough that I was able to continue a bit of this (and I swore I had posted another little snippet, but I can’t find it??) - we’re chipping away at this and I will finish it eventually dangit.

More Mass Effect because I can’t actually leave these guys alone

It doesn't hit him until they're safely back on the ship, in the middle of tearing down gear. It doesn't hit him until he's pulling off a dinged up hardsuit and wincing at the almost physical tug of a migraine that what just happened was...was…

"You're out of your goddamned mind," he pauses, a hair too long, "Commander."

And he expects...hell he doesn't know what he expects, in the silence that follows. When he finally peels off his second boot and looks up, he doesn't get any of the first options that came to mind.

Shepard's just watching him - head tilted, almost like he's considering what Kaidan said. He's not arguing. And everyone else has gone quiet too so Kaidan might as well push on.

"'Shields up, lieutenant'? That's not a plan, and it's barely a warning. The hell were you thinking?"

And that gets something at least. That bland, too considerate, too practiced look that Kaidan had clocked the moment Shepard had stepped onto the ship fades away.

"I was thinking we could handle it." He sounds way too sure of himself. "And we did."

And Kaidan...Kaidan drags a hand down his face, and dammit, he's not laughing. It's just the come down from the adrenaline. "Yeah, that...that's not...we're going to have to work on our communication." And when he peeks through his fingers - he's tired, and now that he's leaned back against the lockers he doesn't feel much like moving more than he has to alright - Shepard's got this look on his face that Kaidan can't quite parse. If he didn't know better, he'd guess...hopeful? Interested at least.

Well, huh. At least he listened.

[fnvexpo]

When you get the chance to have steak you take it!

Shepard and Kaidan use the opportunity and have real dinner at Apollo’s while the food situation allows.

Could be taken as your typical mshenko date, but I’m actually working towards willshenko.

I LOVE their friendship date in the game. Honestly, I wish I could have it before starting the romance, so I decided to give them one in this AU.

Kaidan invites Shepard to hang out, now that they finally can. They spend their time eating and talking about the less pressing matters - what they’ve been up to, how things have been, maybe share some minor details the other had no way of knowing...

Even though they are both aware of the relationship problem that will likely come up eventually, they don’t bring it up, so this is just two friends who enjoy each other’s company, and who haven’t been able to meet like that for a long time. They’re still catching up.

For Kaidan this meeting has another purpose: he tries to understand what exactly Shepard means to him. He’s already accepted that he has some feelings for his commander that are not at all platonic, and wants to evaluate how deep in trouble he is, and how to deal with it. So during their time together he carefully listens to his heart and guts, analyzing what he feels when Shepard looks or smiles at him, talks and listens to him, laughs... and so on.

Shepard is just happy to have his friend back and to be able to spend some quality time with him. (To be fair, romance was never on his priority list, so it’s not surprising that he doesn’t think about such things too hard).

To make it short, it is during this meeting that Kaidan realizes that he does indeed love Shepard romantically, even though he’s absolutely sure about his feelings for Ashley. Which means he’s screwed, either way. Obviously Shepard and Ashley will get back together in the end because, as Kaidan firmly believes, they are each other’s TRUE LOVE and are meant to be together (because he’s a hopeless romantic), and he’s not about to stand in their way. He'll be fine as he is, so long as his bffs are there and happy. The usual.