#for my reference

[pidgefudge]

ideas i have been cursed with from scrolling various fashion tags:

- denim jacket with embroidered exposed circuits and wiring (huge open back panel + one on the upper right arm + heart monitor on left pocket) (and maybe something else idk)

- metal sonic hoodie (self explanatory)

- that frog eye baseball cap!!

- more fingerless gloves (using those mesh pieces i cut off of my old leggings) (and also some skeleton ones) (thirdly using those cool sturdyish black gloves that im not supposed to cut up)

- leg warmers.... for shorts if i never foray into skirts

- cool patchy jeans (could make some to pair with the denim jacket also)

- i am solidly a sneakers guy but boots do look so cool and theres so many cool ways to style them....

- backpack out of old jeans (this one was a meme but like. seemed cool. just fold the legs up and attach and the waist acts as the opening and the legs r the straps)

- hospital wristband cuff for when i get top surgery

- bat/dragon wing hoodie.. actually i have a hoodie thats like white and light blue wispy tye dye sorta pattern i think that would benefit from some feathery/angel wings. and also gold stars im gonna put gold stars on it

- bleach painting shirts (some ideas in my sketchbook)

- the half and half metal sonic blueprint t shirt idea i came up with awhile ago (in the sketchbook)

- adding cool white borders to my black jackets with dental floss (in the sketchbook as well)

- more that ive forgotten but will come back to add when i remember

[chaldeamage-neo]

Niyo Mine Holy Grail War Reference

Disappointed I didn't post this already

[shuuhui]

some standee process stuff

[pechebeche]

okay so dav mods id like to make rn, for my own future ref:

no romance between companions

nonbinary inquisitor option

put human hairs on qunari. we still need qunari hair justice

port some hairs & outfits for use in inquisition/da2

[sprog-2-electric-boogaloo]

favorite albums so far

[heymeowmao]

天 (Heaven) -人 (Human) -阿修罗 (Asura) 饿鬼 (Hungry Ghost) - 畜生 (Beast) - 地狱 (Hell)

[dancedance-resolution]

besties who are experienced in romantic relationships -

i fucked up and made my person feel like i’m not as serious about us as she is. i am looking for ways to affirm to her that i am serious about us. (i can’t see her in person until thurs or fri, so im looking for text-able ways as well)

my ideas so far:

make her a card of some sort with a message about how i feel about her, find a way to surreptitiously leave it at her place when i leave so she discovers it after i go

knit her a hat (she really likes hats) but there’s not enough time to do this by thurs/fri

bring some filipino snacks with me when i visit her? or some home-baked dessert?

hugging (physical touch is her love language to the extent that that is a real thing etc etc)

buy us aquarium tickets as a surprise gift? (she loves the zoo so i presume she’ll love the aquarium too)

i have asked her to let me know if there is anything she wants me to do to make her feel assured, so if/when she responds to that i will take it into consideration.

anyways besties pls let me know if you have ideas or if you think any of my ideas would do more harm than good, etc. i can’t remember what i did if/when i ever experienced this emotion before (“oh shit i fucked up and hurt someone i really care about and also am confused about it all”) so i feel very uncertain. but i really want to make things better.

[lucreziaces]

taylor swift inspired fanfic titles 1989 (taylor's version) (from the vault) edition:

being this young is art

what if all i need is you?

got love struck, went straight to my head

but if i'm all dressed up they might as well be looking at us

and if they call me slut you know it might be worth it for once

and if i'm gonna be drunk might as well be drunk in love

the wrong place at the right time

in a world of boys, he's a gentleman

you're not saying you're in love with me, but you're going to

the waiting is a sadness fading into madness

i would stay forever if you say, "don't go"

now your silence has me screamin'

strike a match, and then you blow it out

'cause you kiss me and it stops time

and i'm yours, but you're not mine

i'm tryn'a see the cards you won't show

i'm about to fold unless you

why'd you have to make me want you?

why'd you have to give me nothing back?

why'd you have to make me love you?

you part the crowd like the Red Sea

did you get anxious though on the way home?

it's like you're trying lives on

i miss the old ways

you didn't have to change but i guess i don't have a say

remind myself the way you faded 'til i left

i cannot be your friend so i pay the price of what i lost

you were so magnetic, it was almost obnoxious

we were born to be suburban legends

when you hold me, it holds me together

and when you kiss me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever

i had the fantasy that maybe our mismatched star signs would surprise the whole school

when i ended up back at our high school reunion walkin' in with you

and i can still see you now

i know that you still remember

we were born to be national treasures

tick-tock on the clock, i walk down your block

i broke my own heart because you were too polite to do it

you don't knock anymore and my whole life's ruined

i slept alone you still wouldn't go

let's fast forward to 300 takeout coffees later

you dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor

you search in every maiden's bed for somethin' greater, baby

was it over when she laid down on your couch?

was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse?

and is it over now?

your new girl is my clone

at least i had the decency to keep my nights out of sight

oh, lord, i think about jumpin'

just to see you come running

and say the one thing i've been wanting, but no

if she's got blue eyes, i will surmise you will probably date her

i was hoping you'd be there

[the-blorb-system]

Omg boo- we have a boo as well. I mean that's just one of her three names but it's the most commonly used one.

I would say more about her but I'm afraid of snitchers who'd tattletale me to a gatekeeper.

Oh yeah the imaginary stories. I as a 4 year old heard a story about the lion who wanted strawberries, and then proceeded to apparently babble for 90 minutes about god know who because no one understood a word I said.

..guess who doesn't like strawberries anymore

- Digi

Oooooof

I usually don't like strawberries. Or most fruit, actually, until I tried organic and realized it's because most produce just tastes like chemicals to me. (Autism moment, L)

I don't remember much of anything from being a kid (but I have a handful of pinpoint memories), so I couldn't say whether those home teachers were getting a real story or not XD

I'm also pretty lucky that most of my headmates seem to have decided that what I share on this blog is okay. It's risky, and we acknowledge it, but we've debated making the blog for months, and doing so was a very distinct decision. Hopefully we get to do more with it!

-Lizzy

[dilf-in-peril]

People really need to write about Joe's injury with the grotesquely swollen shin and Punk and Homicide trying to get off his kick pads for an hour as he "damn near cried".

[who-the-fuck-knows-blog]

[4toldbygyromancy]

[selineabanto]

sword bf 💜⚔️

[corrodedparadox]

My train was late. AGAIN.

Prints

[dancedance-resolution]

ex catholic thoughts and feelings that i need to get out of my brain (read at your own risk lol)

now that i’m taking some really big steps in my life with leaving my catholic life behind me etc. i’m realizing that i think it might be really healing for me to Tell Someone In My Old Catholic World what happened. i had a dream two nights ago about telling a beloved english teacher from my catholic life one of the things that happened. when i was working with someone from my old catholic life shortly post my final departure, i felt the urge to tell her. she knew some of the story and it was like my brain wanted to tell her the rest. and now i have my most beloved english teacher from Middle School that i still keep in touch with lol, i usually text her once every summer and we meet up for lunch but i didn’t text her this summer yet. i think i’ll text her when i start community college again since that’s like. A Proper Reason. idk i know it’s a dumb fear but i’m feeling a bit self conscious i guess that i want to contact her for no good reason other than it’s summertime and i love her and wanted to check in with her. but anyways. i monologued telling her what happened while driving to and from work today. she’s the most logical of persons to tell. but i don’t want to put that on her you know. anyways lastly a person from my old catholic life apparently is a client at my new job lol and we got to talking after not seeing each other for 3ish years and she asked me about career goals and college etc and i mentioned that i’m really attracted to the idea of working in a library once i have college under my belt and she was like oh! [my old church] is hiring an intern for their archive/library! you should inquire! and in my brain i felt optimistic for like 0.6 seconds where i was like. oh. i have an in on a possibly cool opportunity bc i’m literally obsessed with catholicism and want work experience in library settings…. then the reality hits of LOL no you can’t go back there. and you don’t want to go back there anyways. and i felt so so tempted to joke to her. well i don’t think id be welcome there haha. but i didn’t ofc bc it’s work and also why would i you know. we weren’t even close in my old life.

i’m afraid of forgetting everything too, in a way. there are a lot of parts that i don’t forget per se but don’t think of until something reminds me of them and it’s like oh, i’m glad my brain told me about this again bc it like. validates how hard that time was for me. bc (i know this is a bad thought bc i’d never tell this to a friend so why would i tell it to myself but) i feel like. lol bitch why are you so broken over just x. and then it’s like oh wait no remember y and z. they’re part of what hurt you too. and it’s like ah okay i have permission to have more mercy with myself

i’ve been really missing my ex still too ofc. i want to tell my one old teacher about her even though i don’t know what i’d say. i feel the urge to talk to her about how even though i’m not catholic anymore, i feel like my catholic-ness is such a huge part of me that will be with me forever, for better and for worse, and one way that manifested for me is that it made me so happy that my ex had a catholic family. like i was going to go to a knights of columbus softball event with them (we broke up before then but yeah) and. even though i can’t show my face around at least 2 of the knights who would probably be there, i still wanted to experience it with her and her family. i loved her catholic family. i loved her as an individual way way way more lol but the fact that i loved her family too made it hurt worse bc it’s like. this is a person who i could so so so fucking easily see myself having a future with. i love her and her family and i love how she gets along with my family, and i want that. but yeah

so i feel the urge to talk to my old teacher about that for no particularly good reason other than maybe she’d understand the catholic part of it. the thing is she’s still a practicing catholic lol so i don’t want to insult her or anything. she’s definitely not like super catholic to the extent that i know if i tell her i’m not catholic anymore, she won’t make any earnest attempt to convert me back to it other than maybe a stray comment about praying for me.

i think another interesting level to my desire to tell her about it is that, of course, she was my hugest crush ever until my ex herself lol. i don’t have a point related to that it just makes me laugh that my brain wants that lol.

anyways i think telling her could be healing maybe, but also she’s decently far removed from my old catholic life which is why i feel safe possibly telling her. part of me is worried i won’t feel “satisfied” until i can write a long form letter to someone like sister maria martinez. she cared about me deeply and i trust her more than i trust sister mary madeline regarding this particular subject lol. and i know nothing bad could come of me sending a letter to sister other than Her Responding lol 😅 which terrifies me lol but idk

i won’t send her a letter though bc if she didn’t respond i don’t think id feel better, and if she did respond i think id feel worse lol 😂. at least with my old teacher i feel like she might tell me “that was bad. i’m sorry that happened.” whereas sister might respond “i’m sorry it affected you negatively” rather than saying the actions taken themselves were bad. sister could surprise me though. and sister could make a difference - she still works for the church unlike my old teacher and maybe telling her my story would make her hesitate before doing some of the things that affected me so negatively (bc i wouldn’t be surprised if the one incident with kayla had her fingerprints on it lol) (though i cant remember it in perfect detail like i used to, which makes me feel weird about telling her about it bc i don’t want to misrepresent what happened). (also makes me feel weird that i’m losing the memory in general lol)

og dance dance resolution fans who were with me back when i was either procrastinating squirrel or george foreman grill (i forget which one i was when i did this) will remember a cazzie fic i posted and have since deleted about one of the first of my really influential bad catholic experiences lol. i remember even back then feeling the same thing of like i need to document everything that’s happened bc i need to remember it. i wonder if it was a control thing. “if i remember it exactly as it happened then i can never let another person tell me it didn’t happen how i know it did or wasn’t as bad as i know it was.” or my general anxiety around not knowing things lol; if i know it then it can’t surprise me and hurt me all over again. (LOL).

i want to talk to my old teacher about gender too even though i know that’s something that’s way too un catholic even for her lol. i want to express to her, maybe, how i’m only now feeling comfortable exploring femininity bc it used to be forced on me. i was so masc presenting when she knew me bc i felt the need to rebel against that femininity forced upon me, i think. and when i left my catholic life i finally had a break from having to be feminine and having to be it in their way. and then after like a long while of letting myself be as androgynous and genderless as my little heart desired lol, i finally felt able to do things like dress up for the paramore concert and now painting the nails on my left hand. and i want to tell her about how my relationship with my ex opened my eyes to so much gender stuff. how i used to feel like i had to be more masc than my partner - honestly probably related to some of the trauma that teacher herself witnessed first hand lol - but how falling so hard for my ex made me feel safe in being perceived as “the girl” in the relationship. comfortable with that and not having it in my head in a warped way that if i’m too girl and dating a dyke who’s “basically a man” then all of the struggle i’ve been through with the homosexuality thing is invalidated.

that feels less crucial though. like i want to share it with her but i don’t need to. whereas the other stuff it’s like. if i don’t tell her i probably have to tell sister maria rip 😂🫨.

i feel icky thinking about taking the time to write a letter to sister that i’d never send, even though it would also help me with my brain fear of forgetting things. why would i choose to spend that time making myself feel like shit lol. but if i already feel off due to heartstopper s2 triggering some of these feelings in me then maybe i should address it etc etc.

another option is to text the teacher tmrw. i know her county goes back in 10 (or less???) days now so if i want to meet with her for lunch like we’ve done the past few years, i should text her sooner than when i start school.

i would be like. greeting. A client at work told me that Frederick county school teachers are going back on the 14th this year (!!), so I wanted to say hi before school started for you :) I’m starting community college over again starting on the 26th haha! and then continue from there.

and then maybe if we are able to schedule lunch, i’d write out a script for telling her. and if writing it felt right, then i’d tell her. if not then i won’t.

i should probably talk to my fucking therapist about this lol. i see her again on tuesday. i feel a bit unsure about asking her about it though bc i’ve only had 3 or 4 sessions with her so far and we haven’t even started talking about the catholic stuff other than me giving a half sentence summary in my intake paperwork (and in the second half of the sentence saying i felt pretty at peace with it and didn’t feel the need to work on it more 😂). so i feel like it might be A Lot to fill her in on everything that happened quickly enough that i can also be like “and now i want to telll this teacher oh also here’s my super long and complicated back story with her too lol” LOL idk

im just shocked in a way that heartstopper made me feel this intense 😂😂😂😂😂😂. i see all these posts about like “this show is healing, it’s free therapy, this show is a comfort show” and it’s like LOL if this show is this triggering for me then maybe. perhaps perchance. i have some shit to work through 😂

i feel like if i do decide to tell my teacher about some of my catholic stuff, i’ll need to tell her that i am before doing it. like maybe start the conversation in person like. (ASSUMING WE’RE ABLE TO GET LUNCH AT ALL). so i obviously am mainly here to see you and catch up haha but i must admit i also have an ulterior motive of sorts. now that im going back to school i’ve been re-dealing with a lot of stuff from my old catholic life and i’ve been feeling the need for a while now to Tell Someone who will understand the catholic side of it if that makes sense? /// the only issue with that plan is then how do i transition to actually telling her stuff lol. what all do i want to tell and what do i not need to say. and also i think i risk limiting our conversation to catholic homosexuality stuff if i start off like that and i also just want to generally catch up with her.

hmm it would almost be useful if i knew i would cry bc i could. come out to her (oh also she doesn’t formally know i’m a homosexual lol 😂 but like she was my teacher and in middle school the whole class loooved calling me a dyke so she’s at least familiar with the concept of me being a homosexual. and also im not worried that she’ll react poorly. i trust her. like she would attend a homosexual wedding i think. ) ANYWAYS like if i could find some way to naturally integrate into the conversation like. i experienced my first real heart break i think. “oh i’m sorry tell me more” well. i don’t know if you’ve like already implied or assumed or whatever but i am a lesbian. [and then i start crying] and then bc i’m crying i can be like sorry i didn’t expect to get emotional about telling you it just feels. weird to have someone from my catholic life who i am choosing to tell. and then expand that into how i was outed etc. BUT ALSO. maybe i would actually cry at the idea of being able to choose to tell someone from my catholic life for the first time but even her i’m sure she already implies SIGH lol.

maybe that’s an angle that doesn’t require me to cry though. if i tell her and then like take a deep breath like. you know you’re the first person from my catholic life who i’ve Chosen to tell. and then go into how it feels weird you know. to even make a deal out of coming out anymore bc it’s 2023 and we’re in md and everyone’s gay nowadays lol it’s not a big deal. and she already mostly knew!!!! so it feels weird for this to feel momentous about choosing to tell you. but i guess it is sort of bc it’s like. not only are you the first person from my catholic life who i’ve trusted enough to be able to tell AND be in a place where i’m able to tell you but also. for most of the ppl from my catholic life i didn’t have a choice. (and then lead into the outing and then that has its own segways to the other stuff i need to tell someone)

ofc that all presupposes that the conversation and her reactions and my own emotions at the time go how i expect them to. i can only script so much you know lol.

i think i’m going to text her tmrw though. whether or not it leads to me telling her stuff, i want to see her again soon.

okay that’s all i have for today lol