#god... please don't reply i'm just having a bad time tonight and needed to vent

[volbeast]

Me: *misses one (1) dose of my anti depressant*

Well I guess it's Feel 🅱️ad Time!!! 🌈🌈🌈😩👌👌👌

[kdd-works]

Please don't like this post; only reblog if replying. This is a personal vent only.

God, I don't know how much more I can take. I do everything right! I never interact with anyone because I want to avoid anything that could trigger… something like this. But it keeps happening! I see other people's art and get sent into this depressive spiral that only ends when someone helps me… but nobody does anymore. I don't know. I had to cut contact with two people I thought I could rely on to be there for me.

I'm at my fucking end!

Needing people to tell me that I'm the best at what I do isn't just 'insecurity!' It's a base need of mine! There is something deeply, profoundly wrong with my brain that makes 'being the best' as fundamental of a necessity as… fucking, basic shelter, even! But I can't give myself that because of how my brain is set up! I have no control over whatever I think! I need others to help, but nobody's around anymore…

I just

I know this is… probably going to inevitably kill me. I'm not okay with that! I deserve better than this… I deserve to have the reassurance, adjusted for inflation of age, disability, the amount of shit I go through every single day, the amount of time I can actually draw when I'm not in a depressive spiral, that I'm the most talented artist! That I'm a better artist than anyone else! I need people to believe that, genuinely! With sincerity! Not just because I need that!

But I feel so fucking stupid about it! I know people could yell at me about this and insult me about this and say all sorts of shitty things about this when all I'm doing is trying not to FUCKING DIE

But nobody's around to help.

I'll likely only be online for a few minutes more tonight. I'm so tired. I'm so… so tired of this. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. Fuck, I mean, all I'm doing nowadays is desperately drawing and doing things for other people hoping to reach enough people that it'd make me known as the best, but no matter how much I put into my life, I get nothing out of it. And I want to end it.

I just hate it here so bad…