#haven't played a boy in 5ever

[mintmatcha]

This took me 5ever because my brain still hurts! sorry it sucks!!!

"Can you not smoke right now?"

Zeke pulls an even longer drag, pulling away to let the smoke seep from between his bared teeth. The sidewalk outside his apartment is empty besides you two and a collection of trashcans waiting for the morning. Even without summer heat, the stench is almost papable, hanging in the back of your throat.

"When did you become my fucking mother?" He flicks the butt to the ground and crushes it between his dark heel and the pitted concrete. He jams his hands into his pockets, shoulders hunched like the hackles on a dog, ready to bite.

Time may have sharpened his teeth, but it's done the same to yours.

"If I was your mother-" You pause, picking words you know you'll regret. This was supposed to be peaceful, and yet you're willingly starting a war- "I would have abandoned you years ago."

Zeke scoffs. Not a strong enough reaction to satisfy the worst part of you.

"Oh. sorry-- if I was your mom I would have sent you to military school and then abandoned you, right?"

Zeke looks up at you from over his glasses, eyes narrowed into slits. His jaw flexes, muscles working as he grits and simmers.

"God, you're such a cunt." His voice is tempered- a sign you hit the exposed nerve he never let heal. After a couple of breaths, something that always fuels the fire instead of calming him, the man straightens. "You'd be a shittiest mom."

Zeke grinds his heel into the ashes again. "And I know shitty moms, don't I?"

Usually, you could shrug his insults off, but this one sticks. He doesn't know yet, how all those tests came back positive, how the doctor gave you tiny pictures of the blob that's growing inside you.

You knew sleeping with your ex was a bad idea, you just didn't think the regret would be so physical.

"No, I wouldn't." The crack shocks him more than you.

"Are you fucking crying?" Zeke softens just a bit, more confused than anything else. You're horrified to realize he's right- tears have begun to bubble down your cheeks. You try to hide behind your hands, but the damage is done; he finds your arm, holding you by the crook of your bow as he dips to your height. "Hey, stop. Stop that. What are you doing?"

He takes your hands into his, manhandling your face free so he can see you properly. You forget that he's pretty under that personality, with deep set blue eyes and tussled blonde hair. His beard is no longer pure brown, but dusted with flecks of grey towards his temples. When he looks at you, it still feels like you're 16, talking to a boy that might love you.

"You've gone soft on me, girl," he clicks his teeth, affect still flat.

But you're not 16. You're fifteen years older than that, talking to a man who broken your heart too many times. The thought of him loving you no longer fills you with butterflies, but something heavier, the sinking feeling of lead in your gut.

"Zeke..."

He's hurt you and you've returned the favor, over and over again. Sometimes by accident, most of the time on purpose.

"What's wrong with you? You never cry over this shit." He throws in a shrug, "Why do you care about being a mom all or a sudden?"

Hands still held away from you, its all you can do to sniffle. As he waits, Zeke's face slowly drops as he thinks, paging through micro-expressions.

His eyes widen. He knows.

"Why do you care about being a mom all of a sudden?" he repeats, much more serious than before.

He knows and yet he waits for you to tell him otherwise.

"I'm pregnant."

The news hits him physically. Zeke recoils, dropping your arms to clutch at his hair, palms digging into his temples.

"Shit. Shit, that's-- it's--" He clears his throat. "It's mine?"

He knows you haven't been dating anyone else; the second anyone gets close, Zeke's there, dragging you back into his mess and back into his bed. That's what happened last month. That's how this happened.

"Yeah, it's yours. Unfortunately."

"Don't. Don't play like that right now." Zeke's head snaps to face you, lips curled in disgust. "I'm trying not to lose my fucking mind and I can't have you fucking insulting me-"

A sob you weren't expecting escapes you. The cocktail of hormones and stress has left you brittle, leaving you crumbling in its wake.

"I'm s-s-sorry," you hiccup, clutching at your face again, "I know you hate me-"

"Stop crying," he says, coming back to you. "I didn't say that, stop crying."

"Jesus Christ, it's fine." With a barely there tremble, Zeke wraps his arms around you and sighs. The wool lapel of his coat digs into your nose harder as he pulls you tighter, a semblance of real affect there. "I'm here, it's fine, it's fine. Just calm down."

"I don't know what I'm going to do," you whimper through hiccups and sniffles, wiping your face on his coat.

"Breathe or else you're gonna pass out." Zeke pats your back, stroking up and down in the way he knows you like. "You're being crazy. Is this really the end of the world?"

You scowl into him. "Fu-fuck you, you're such an asshole."

"There's my girl, there's my spitfire." Zeke presses his lips into the crown of your head, surprisingly chaste and sweet. He does it again, then again, arm locked around your shoulders and chin pressed into your forehead. After a long moment of being locked to him, he begins to sway, pressing one leg against yours to force you backwards. The give and take guides you, pushing you towards his place.

The shuffle is awkward and slow, but the man never lets you part from him, even as he struggles with the lock. You try not to let it comfort you, you try not to fall for him again, but his breath against the crown of your head sends chills down your spine.

Maybe he loves you, deep down somewhere.

The apartment is dark, illuminated by flashes and thrums of light. Eren is sprawled on the couch, headset half off of his head. He barely looks up from his game, throwing a nod your way. You nod back and hope the dim hides your tears.

"Oh, hey." The young adult pushes his mic out of this face, "Z, are we still going to order pizza, or-?"

Zeke shoots him a look.

"Alright, I'll fucking order it, damn."

You're quickly ushered back to Zeke'a room. It looks how it always does- clean, if not barren. You're finally let go, Zeke's arm falling away as you shuffle towards the bed. The man is already rummaging through his closet, pulling out the two extra pillows he keeps there for you.

"Lay down." He joins you there, puffing up the down and piling them the way you like. When you don't immediately obey, he gestures towards it, almost urgent, "Come on."

The conversation you need to have dies on your lips. Both of you stand there, the sound of Eren's game permeating through the thin walls. Tears still stain your cheeks, but the hysteria seems to have stopped for now.

"You want to have it, don't you?" Zeke says.

You nod.

"I figured. You always wanted a kid." The blonde flops down on to the mattress and you follow, spread out of what used to be your side. maybe it still is. "Just didn't think it'd be my kid."

"You don't have to be involved, Zeke."

His boots are muddied at the heels, staining the practically pristine comforter with red clay. Your own shoes aren't much better; the laces are undone and soggy, trailing halfway to the floor.

"I'm not a dead beat." His hand finds yours and squeezes. "I'm a shitbag, but I'm not a dead beat. I'll be here."

That doesn't mean anything. There's no plan, no certainty, no promises- but it makes you feel better regardless. Zeke has never been a good man, but he's always been good to you when it mattered the most.

"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" he says.

"I think it's a genderless blob of cells right now." you reply, "So it probably looks just like you."

He shoots you a look, not unlike the one he gave Eren.

"You can laugh now, but you're going to be irate when our child looks more like me than you."

Zeke'a hand squeezes tighter and you squeeze back.

[lbrmaxwell-blog]

It's always a drag coming home from these awkwardly long family vacations knowing that I've basically missed two weeks of school. Anyone wanna offer their services and do my makeup work? I'm willing to bargain.