#having a poahic attacl...aaa...

[gemabandoned-blog]

((no idea why I’m not just originally posting this on @infinite-insignia​. because it’s related more to that blog than this one.but less people see this blog so less people will have to worry if I post it here but hey what do I know? I’m just some dummy. some dumb kinnie. some crazy, delusional person.))

((,,,I kinda lost it last night. I have this kin-based diary thing that I’ve written in every night for the past few months. on a notepad file on my pc. usually I just keep things short with a summary of the day and it’s all written in bullet-point format. but last night,,,what I wrote seemed kinda like the ramblings of a crazy person.))

((and then? while I was laying in bed tryna sleep? I mumbled to myself! mumbled the same few things over and over, got super angry! head hurt! wanted to cry but couldn’t! like a scene in a movie where a character spirals into madness,,,I felt like that was happening to me. and I tried my hardest not to seem like that had happened. I tried today but,,,))

((I’m. concerned. for my own mental health. which is saying something cause I usually don’t put much care into my own health. I don’t wanna go crazy. I never wanted to. I didn’t think I ever would. so many bad things happened back then that,,,the memories are making me lose my mind. I,,,idk guys.))

((I can’t be crazy. I can’t let my mom be right. I can’t let that anti-kin asshole from over a year ago be right. I can’t tell anyone because I’d be proving their point--I’m going crazy. I’m losing it. I deserve to be thrown into a psyche ward. this isn’t what being a kinnie is supposed to be. I’m not supposed to be going insane! it’s just a part of who I am! I should be able to live with it! and I can! it shouldn’t be hurting my mental state so much but I just!!! I don’t know!!!!))

((already had to go to a mental hospital for a week a few years back. it was for a completely different reason,,,but I don’t wanna go back there. or to a psyche ward. heard those are worse. it’ll give me too much time to think and go crazy. but this is who I am. can’t change that. I’m a horrible person. I’m some asshole who somehow got reincarnated into this lame human body.))

((I don’t have my powers anymore? I don’t have my squad or any friends I could’ve had. just bits and pieces of memories and feelings that I know are true. emotions I can’t control. mental state I’m gonna lose. I’m freaking out it’s getting hard ot typo))

((this happendd beforr. I had a panic attckl it was awflu I need brealk from tublr I’m gonnakloaw it. freakni out. I literly cN;T typr I didnt think this woild ever happen agiohn I’m having a breakjonw. aaaaaaa. but whatevejr youi do dont worry about me its a temporauy thinfih I shoihld be finbe but whatgiy do I tell my noim. ,,,nikj. ,,,mon. ,,,close nrihg (enough). for now im gonna ;lojg ojff befoire tihs gess anu wouese. needo itakl madicnie. magyeb thetll haleo. he;lp, not haleo. its suippisd to hel;po withni ancixtyu. anxiey. that. mightio deletke thiso lopst later but if my activity drips tonight then its cause I hjust had a lirterl mental vreakdonw.))