#history is 20 chapters 10 for each year but i also need some more basic knowledge from 3rd form

[daisukekambehateaccount]

academic upsettyposting in the tags don't mind it

[levis-coffeecup]

Chapter 15 | All that is lost

WC-9.9 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Brace yourself for this really really long chapter, because some it's almost 10k words long and idk how.

There are 2 scenes in this one, and the first one takes place a month after chapter 14, where Levi and Mae kinda confront each other. And the second scene is a month after that. (So basically, 2 months covered in this one chapter)

Also I'm sorry, there's been quite a delay on my side. Its 1:26 in the morning which does mean that I'm almost 1 and a half our late and Sunday has already ended. But also the fact that I had been posting in the afternoon the past weeks. (I was in my hostel and we don't have good internet there at night, so I was posting the chapters early, but now I'm back home for a week, so I took my time🤡)

So in short, i'm really sorry if someone was waiting and i showed up 12 hours later lol.

The song for this chapter is lost on you - by LP. I hope you guys like it!

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

SEPT 846

Cold air blows in Mae’s face, as she wipes the tear that rolls down her cheek. The river streams below the rock she sits on. And the moon is out, crescent shaped today. Shining its light on the clearing in the forest.

She takes in a deep breath as she looks down at the ebbing river. And even though she doesn’t see her reddened face in all the darkness, she doesn’t need sight to know that her face is swollen from all the crying.

She’s doing well as a doctor. The bar is good as well, no man has gawked at her ever since the Levi incident. And she’s not alone, she has Hange and Raz. 

Things are fine, and there is no blatant reason to be upset. But she is still crying.

It feels like there is so much sadness trapped inside of her. And she doesn’t know why it's here or how it got here. But she carries it everywhere… And it comes out at random times, in the form of the quaking of her shoulders and the glossy film that covers her eyes.

Her tears feel cold against the blowing wind. The sound of the flowing river fills her ears. And the stars in the sky blur out due to the moisture laced in her eyes.

 It's been so long since she’s been here. To her spot, to the place that used to offer her so much solace.

But today, as she sits here and feels the sturdy rock beneath her body, she is reminded of the time when she first met Levi. Days spent sitting under a cedar tree, on the outskirts of the clearing. Giving a mere stranger some space because to her he looked upset.

And now he stands behind the same tree where she once sat. Staring at her instead as she cries on the rock. The tables have turned and life has drastically changed. And there seems no way for things to get back to how they once were. So naive yet spiteful. 

September is about to end in a week, And it's almost been 2 months since that day when Levi beat up that creepy customer and created a scene. And since then he’s been coming to the bar daily, he hasn’t missed a single day.

He stays at the bar for her entire shift. From 8 to 12. Glaring at anyone who even looks at her. And it's not just that.

He follows her back to her house as well, and he only leaves when he sees her shut the door and blow the candles off. Resting safely inside her home. 

And oh! How hard she has tried to get rid of him.

She left his table uncleaned. Told Raz to ignore him and not serve him anything. She even added salt in his tea some days, and yet he drank it without filing a single complaint to the manager. Without even making a face. 

And she’s failing again. History is repeating itself. In the most ironic way. Just like 2 years back, when she was trying to get him out of her spot.

And yes his presence does make the bar a much safer place. Raz feels more comfortable as well. But Mae doesn’t want her stupid heart to throb for him once again.

She wants to forget about him. She left her job, she left everything she had, for this, and now he comes chasing after her. Acting like her bodyguard. 

Acting like the man she fell in love with.

Her mind feels heavy with thoughts. And her thoughts are crashing inside her like a hurricane. Messing up everything that stands its way. Her head throbs and she clutches it with both of her hands. Her fingers dig into her scalp and she lets out a frustrated groan.

It's all the same, just like all those days back then. She isn’t able to get him out of her spot and she isn’t even able to get him out of her heart.

And Mae doesn’t understand how Levi is even managing everything? Have his duties as a captain magically reduced? Or does he not need any sleep anymore?

Her mind flashes back to the day after, when she lashed out on him. Weak and miserable, begging for him to cooperate.

It was raining, so hard that Mae thought a storm would come in.

The bar was jam packed, filled with customers and people taking shelter from the rain.

And words couldn’t describe the disappointment on her face, when she found Levi sitting at the same cornered table, with that same damned cloak on. As if she never begged him to get away from, just a day prior.

The rain stalled for a minute. And her feet moved on a will of their own, ignoring all the customers who were waiting for her to come to their table. 

She pinched the fabric of his cloak, and dragged him outside the noisy bar.

The streets were quiet and water filled up all the crevices in the cobblestone path. There was hardly anyone in sight, and to Mae this filthy, mud covered street seemed like the perfect place to confront Levi. 

Or maybe it was her desperation, her mind that was begging her heart to forget him. And her heart, that was poorly failing. Trying everything in hand to not think about him, 

And yet he was here at the bar, acting as if nothing wrong ever happened between them. Acting like she still was his friend, and he still cared.

Mae pivoted around, hand still clenching on to the fabric on Levi’s shoulder. And her face was filled with venom as she sneered. “Why are you here when all I want from you is to not be in my life anymore?”

But Levi was quiet as usual, head facing down and body so still, as if she wasn't even saying anything . It reminded Mae of the day she confessed to him.

And anger seeped into her system, at his lack of response. “LEVI! I’M A MARRIED WOMAN, YOU NEED TO STOP PLAYING THESE GAMES WITH ME.”

Levi remained quiet again. His cloak covered half of his face. And Mae couldn’t see the expressions on his face, but she knew the man in front of her wasn’t the indifferent, cold man who never breaks out of his demeanor.

It was something else, maybe a part of him that he had caged deep within him.

Thunder cackled through the clouds, and it was only at that moment that Levi looked up. Reaching his hand forward towards Mae, that he knows, shudders at the sound of thunder. 

And it was true. She had shriveled up, hands hugging herself and eyes wide in a moment of fear. 

Her heart was beating faster, and she didn’t know whether it's for the thunder that scared her, or for Levi’s hand hovering over her shoulder. 

She never told him that she’s afraid of thunder… it must have been something he observed. And just like always he knew her like the back of his hand. Every fear, every desire and every thought.

It felt like time had frozen. They looked at each other, eyes filled with unspoken words and buried emotions. 

One contemplating whether it was wrong of her heart to still beat for him, when she had long decided that she needed to forget him. And the other contemplating whether he was allowed to touch her anymore.

The silence was broken by thunder once again. The rain picked up, even stronger this time. Drenching the both of them whole in a matter of seconds. 

But they stood still, lost in time and in the downpour of their emotions.

Mae heaved out a sigh as she pulled her eyes away from him.

She hated herself. She hated herself so much for being weak. For still feeling for a man who had hurt her so many times. Who’s thoughts still made her cry every night.

She turned to his hand that hovered over her shoulder, and forced a grimace on her face. And Levi withdrew his arm back, as his eyes fell back to the ground once again.

“Mae… “ His voice cracked and he took in a breath to compose himself.  “Yesterday you told me that it’s a person’s will that’s the strongest… And you were right, because I can only break their bones and dislocate their shoulders, but they still have the choice to not surrender, even if they are in a… horrible condition.”

He looked up at her and a fire reflected in his eyes. “Your life is your own, and at the end you can do whatever with it. You can choose anything from the options in front of you, even if the options are shitty… And I have chosen for myself to stay here. Because I’m not leaving you to work all alone at night…That’s my will. Do whatever you want. I’m not going to let anyone harm you here… and I’m not going to leave.”

His resolve was evident in his voice and Mae’s lips quivered as she took in a shaky exhale. 

Why was he here acting like the man she fell for, when all she wanted to do was forget him? Couldn’t he just continue being an asshole and make things easier for her? 

Why was he here with his decision to stay, when all she wanted was for him to be gone from her life and her heart?

The rain pattered against her frame, and she was grateful, because it hid her tears so well. 

But this was Levi we are talking about. The man who knows her as well as the back of his hand.

She turned around, wanting to be as far away from him as she could. But Levi’s hand was quick to grab on to her wrist. He didn’t want her to leave with a sullen expression like that. 

He’s wanted her happy, he’s always wanted her happy. 

Her head swiveled, and she looked back at him. Face blank and eyes cold.

“M-Mae, I’ll never hurt you,” his voice cracked. 

A painful expression took over Mae’s face. ‘You've already hurt me Levi,’ it said. And Levi’s eyes widened as it told him exactly what she was thinking./ everything about the thought in her head.

“.... physically.” He muttered out, to save himself from the weight of his own actions.

His hand was still latched onto her wrist. It was cold and Levi’s body was always the first to lose its warmth when the weather dropped.

And he was sodden in the rainwater… he could catch a cold.

But Mae wasn’t supposed to care about him anymore. 

So she shaked her hand out of his grasp. And walked back into the bar with heavy steps.

Levi has always been a violent man. This clearing itself stands a testament to it. 

The first day she went to him, he tackled her to the ground. And the other day in the market, he beat someone up just because they were looking at him?

But there is more to it, Levi doesn't just beat up people for looking at him. If that was the case, then she would have been long dead by now.

Hange says Levi gets violent when he’s angry, annoyed or overwhelmed, sometimes even when he’s stressed. Or when he needs to prove a point. 

In a way violence is how he expresses himself. He doesn’t crack under the pressure, he explodes loud enough that everyone feels his rage.

It has something to do with his past, Hange said. He has had it very harsh, they said.

And Mae can’t help but think how brutal Levi’s past must have been, if he believes in philosophies like ‘strength is all I need to survive’?

She lets out a defeated sigh, as another tear slips down her eye.

Why he did what he didn’t doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter.

The point is that Levi is a violent man, and she’s known that ever since the day she met him.

So why did her heart manage to discard the things she already knew about him? How did she be so blind in her love for him?

Levi never told her much about himself. Yeah, she knows about all his likes and dislikes, and all his small quirks. But she doesn’t know about his past, she doesn’t know about his parents. Heck, she doesn’t even know his surname.

And the irony is that she doesn’t know him well. But right now it feels like she doesn’t know herself as well.

She looks into the mirror and she doesn’t know the woman who blinks back at her.

Because the woman she thought she was, was cautious. Never a risk taker. Always walking meters away from any danger.

And even though she has always been quite sentimental, a part of her was always rational. Able to decipher the truth between all her emotions. 

She knew that the evacuees would be abandoned one day. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to save her parents. Because the odds were against it. And it was the bitter truth that her heart learned to accept the first month after the announcement of the mission itself.

And no smart person offers food to a cat that bites back.

Then why is her heart so hell bent on playing with fire? Why is a part of her so adamant on understanding why Levi did things the way he did?

It's only now that she sees the way she’s latched on to him. The death of her loved ones left a void in her heart and Levi was the quick relief that took all her pain away. And she was so distracted by the rush of her heart that she hardly paid any attention to the void that weakened her from the inside. 

He was something she relied on, instead of strengthening her own will. And it's been 4 months since the day he held her up by the collar, but imagining a life without him still feels hard.

It's cold, so cold.  Her teeth clatter, and her body shivers. She crosses her arms and places her hands on her shoulders. Trying to warm her body by rubbing her palms.

But the sound of footsteps comes to her notice. They are silent and fast, like Levi’s. And she knows they are coming towards her because of the fallen leaves that they crush on their path.

The footsteps are coming closer but she is reluctant to turn around. For once she wants to be lost in her own world, without any reminder of reality. For once she wants to be left alone.

A coat falls onto her lap . It's the Survey Corps cloak. And the hands that keep it next to her are pale and calloused.

“You’ll catch a cold.” Levi’s voice is gentle. And she doesn’t need to cast a glance to know he’s wearing a thin white cotton shirt himself. Because she’s seen him throughout her entire shift plenty of times already.

Levi stays there for a moment, standing next to her, and staring at the river ahead.

He follows Mae back everyday. And he sees the house she’s now living in. It's despicable, just a single room, with a metal shed on top, in the poorest section of the city. 

She’s working as a waitress. Living in a house, smaller than the dorms in the Headquarters.Working at a cheap clinic in the slums.

And all he wants to do is to beat that damned Ivan. He wants to steal all his money and get her settled in Sina. This isn’t the life he wanted for her. This isn’t the life that he distanced himself from her, for.

But he holds it all inside of him. She wants him out of her life and he doesn’t have the right to barge into her life anymore. Not when he himself kicked her out of his.

And he blames himself for the situation she’s in. He should have interrogated that fucking husband of hers personally, and he should have spoken to Mae as well. 

He should have taken her thoughts into consideration, before assuming what's best for her.

And he’s so ashamed of himself, that he doesn’t even find the courage to look at her. He failed her, he hurt her. The one person who’s cared for him selflessly. The one person who’s been gentle with him.

But if he did take a chance and meet her eyes, then he would see the sadness trapped in her insides.

Mae shifts her position, so her back faces Levi and he doesn’t see her cry. 

There goes her heart beating faster again at the gesture. And there goes Levi, toying with her feelings once again.

At this point she’ll never get over him.

And Levi grimaces, as Mae keeps his cloak on the spot next to her instead of wearing it. An exhausted sigh escapes his mouth, and then he turns around and walks back to the cedar tree.

But he lets the cloak be, on the rock, just beside Mae. Just in case it gets too cold and she changes her mind.

His footsteps fade away and Mae shudders as another tear escapes her eye. 

Every time Levi comes to her, the same question surfaces in her mind.

What about her bandaging his hand out of sheer concern made him feel cornered and pushed him into a state of violence?

What about her just trying to be a good friend and looking out for him, got on his nerves?

Was she being too annoying back then? Did he need more space? And did she fail in giving him that?

Because it's so annoying now, when he follows her back to her house everyday. Yeah, his intentions are good and he’s just protecting her, but she doesn’t want him here. She wants to stay away from him.

And she can’t help but think that maybe Levi felt the same way back then as well.

Her father always told her that it's in the toughest times that teach you the most.

And the past months have been so painful, if nothing she wants to learn something from it. She wants to come out a better person.

Nothing in her control is in her life anymore. She’s making money but it's not enough. She has a job but its not stable enough.  And the one thing she was sure of that she would do, was forgetting Levi.

And even that seems impossible now that he’s always in front of her.

But the hate she has for him, is a poison in her own heart. And she doesn’t remember the last time she truly felt happy

Her face turns into distaste every time she sees him. And it's sad that she still has so much power over her. Enough to ruin her mood at the mere sight of him.

It's only now that Mae realizes that ever since her parents died she only found happiness in Levi. And he became the source of all her joy.

And it's time she takes control of her happiness. It's time she learns to make herself happy.

Maybe they were never meant to be, but one thing's for sure. Levi’s care wasn’t a pretense. It wasn’t an act he put up just to earn her favor. And maybe Hange was right all along. Maybe he does like her.

But the moment is long gone, and things have forever changed.

No feelings can undo what happened between them.

And she’ll learn to forgive him, but she’ll not let him in her life until he gives her a valid explanation for his actions that day. Not until he proves to her that violence isn’t something he goes to whenever he gets angry. That his violence isn’t a beast that he can’t tame.

The unknown is unfolding. 

She doesn’t know where she’s headed, she doesn’t know where she’ll be a few months from now. And she doesn’t know what’s going to happen between her and Levi.

But the stars are twinkling brightly above her, and it reminds her of the words she told Levi on that starry night.

“There will always be so many things that are out of my control, but I just want to keep doing all that I can. I want to stand tall amidst all the chaos and I want to make the most of the limited time I have…”

The things that are happening are out of her control again. And she is trying her best. Once again it's time to make peace with it. It's time to heal.

And she’ll learn to be patient with the heart that she’s hated for so long. And maybe she’ll stumble on the path, make a mistake and flop down. But she’ll get up.

She has to get up.

The water gushes below her, moving through every obstacle its way.

And just like the water, she’ll learn to persevere.

She’ll learn to let go, and be carefree. She’ll learn to be light and to not take everything so seriously.

And she’ll adapt to every situation and find happiness no matter what.

And just like the ebbing water, she’ll go where the wind takes her. She’ll change, she’ll learn and she will have the faith that good things are coming for her.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

OCT 846

The sound of clinking glasses echoes through the illuminated halls of Tipsy Titan Hours. And the once cramped bar, mellows down as the moon rises higher and higher.

Raz glances back, her head whirling and eyes lagging, as she scans across the empty seats and tables for the millionth time. And once again her eyes are quick to land on the quiet table in the corner. ”My vision is hazy, but I'm ssure he's still starin' at ya.”

"...It doesn’t matter anymore.” Mae hisses as the cool metal of the jug meets her sodden lips. The golden beverage promptly washes down her throat,  and a burning sensation now covers its trail.

She slams her jug on the desk, and rolls her head back in contentment, "my head hurt-sh... but 'tis feels good, to just forget for some time." 

Glasses clink, and in a matter of seconds they are empty as well. Raz pushes herself up again. Hands propping against the stale table as she gets up to bring another beer bottle. 

It's around 12. Working hours are close to an end, and perched on the center table are the waitresses, wasted. 

Today has been a hectic day. A celebration marking the one year anniversary of Tipsy Titan Hours. Free drinks were served to everyone, and the bar was jam-packed for hours. 

But now that roaring crowd has finally dulled, and the workers are free to have whatever they want as well. After all, it's their hard work that has also contributed to the success. 

And so, Mae has been spending the past hour drinking. It's not something she would have done a few months back. But she is changing, and what is life if you don’t open yourself to new experiences?

Levi sighs with distaste, as he looks at her empty another mug down. The table she sits on is filled with blotches of alcohol. Fuck that, the entire tavern is so damn dirty, usually it just stinks of booze but today it stinks of sweat as well. Because of all the people who have danced here in their drunken state today.

And instead of cleaning all the shit up, the waitresses lay wasted. Gulping bottle after bottle themselves. Every inch of Levi’s body is telling him to leave and it's taking every ounce of resolve left in him to stay put in place.

Tch, if he knew that his life would end up like this, then he wouldn’t leave the underground in the first place. 

He takes his eyes off the musty tavern and looks at the window next to him. Staring at the streets of Jinae, which are empty and quaintly silent.

He just hopes that Mae knows what she’s doing, and she isn’t wasting her life away.

Thoughts of her fill his head again, and he turns his head to watch that silly, drunken lady who captures all his heart. 

But he only pots Raz. Mae’s seat is empty and he doesn’t see her around the other tables as well.

Levi's face contorts into a frown as worry swells up in his heart, and in an instant he gets up and marches towards Raz. "Where is she?"

"Uhm... to my left." Raz speaks blankly, and she swivels her head to the left. Only to be met with an empty seat again. "To my right then.”

“Your drunk as fuck," Levi jabs as he turns around and wanders through the dimly lit interior.

And Mae’s name tumbles out of his lips as soon as he spots her through the partly open bathroom door. 

She’s on the floor, body hunched over the toilet seat, as violent fits make her lurch forward and empty the contents of her stomach out.

In a breath, he’s beside her, holding her soiled hair back as he stares at her face, flushed and sticky with sweat. 

The bathroom is the filthiest of them all, and the stench of the washroom and alcohol, makes his nose crinkle in utter distaste. But more than that, it's Mae.

She reeks. Of sweat, ale, and vomit. And a dark crease runs along Levi’s forehead as his eyes hover over her face. It's a pity to see her in a condition like this. 

Her brows are pulled close, and numerous lines of tension are forged between them. And her eyes are shut tight as soft pants leave her smeared, red lips. 

And as filthy as she looks, she also looks like she is in pain. And so, his free hand finds its way to her back, rubbing long strokes, in an attempt to soothe her. 

Mae looks at him solemnly. And Levi doesn't miss the slight downturn of her lips and how instantaneously her hand grips the wall for support as she tries to stand up. 

Only to fall into his grasp once again.

"You can't even hold yourself upright,” he comments.

She throws a wary look his way and tries to free herself from his clutches. But Levi holds her upper arm in an iron grip. ”Don’t act so reckless, you’ll fall to the ground and hurt yourself” 

But obviously she doesn’t listen and continues to struggle to take her arm out of his. “Levi,” she squirms as her brows scrunch up in frustration.

And Levi freezes, eyes wide and lips parted in fright. Shit, did he mess up again, was that way too harsh? Did he hurt her… again?

In an instant, he takes his hand away from her and staggers back, caught off guard by the thought and the horrible feeling it brings along. 

Mae wobbles away from him, out of the bathroom. Towards Raz, who has dozed off on the sodden table itself. And Levi watches her figure slowly fade away. Because these days, all that he can seem to do is to watch her slip away from him, again and again. 

"RAAZ-" Mae extols, raising her arms up excitedly and shaking it side to side, with much vigor. But her loud call hardly seems to rouse the other waitress from slumber.

Her speed increases, and her heel lands on a wet patch on the floor. Her foot slips due to her hasty pace. And Mae doesn't know what surprises her more, her embarrassing fall or the hands that instantly catch her entire frame.

Levi is beside her again, one arm around her waist and one around her shoulder, as he helps her up. And he’s glad that the crowd has completely simmered down, and now it's just him, Mae, Raz and the cashier.

It will save Mae from all the embarrassment she’ll have to deal with tomorrow, when she comes back to her senses.

“Mae, let's go home.” Levi’s voice is soft and imploring.

But she ignores him and continues moving forward. Pace still as fast as before. And it's only his support that’s holding her upright and not letting her topple to the floor. “Mae, you’re going to hurt yourself this way… please… let me take you home,” he continues.

“Leviii,” she drones out, “do you have to be so damn stubborn and persistent all the time… I wanna have fun.” she pouts. And Levi sighs defeatedly as he helps her sit on the tall bar stool.

Raz is asleep right beside her, and Mae's entire attention shifts to her. She pokes and prods at her colleague. Whining like a little child, asking for her to wake up and have another shot with her.

And Levi looks at her softly.

“Raz is fast asleep, how about you sleep as well?” He says as he slides the beer bottles to his side of the table.

All he wants for now is to keep her away from alcohol. She’s vomited once, and if she keeps having alcohol after that then it will just lead to her stomach getting worse. And it might also lead to alcohol poisoning or blackouts.

“You know you come in my dreams sometimes… and how do I know I’m not already asleep and you aren’t dream’ Levi?” Mae’s words slur as slowly turns her head towards him.

Levi‘s posture stiffens and warmth gathers to his cheek. His perpetual shyness floods back to him, and it's been so long since he has felt this way. His lips quirk up a little, reminiscing such moments that would happen so often in the past. And at the fact that she dreams of him… 

And well he thinks of her too. She’s stuck in his mind and seated in the chambers of his heart. Like a guest who’s way too comfortable. Who’s found his place and will never go back home. 

And just like he can’t tear his heart away from her, he can’t take his eyes off her as well.

Every part of Mae’s face is tinted red. Her eyes are red, her cheeks are red. And Levi is so dazed by the situation that he can’t even make out whether the reducing distance between them is just a stupid imagining of his heart. Or whether Mae is actually so drunk that she is leaning forward… to kiss him or something. 

Then he feels her breath graze the slant of his nose. And he freezes, eyes wide and any intake of breath, halted. 

“I’m gonna be wild tonight,” she says as she looks into his eyes. Face extremely close to his and her hand reaching out towards the beer bottles that he has stacked at the other end.

"W-what?" Levi almost topples off his chair, his ears flushing red as inappropriate scenarios fill his head. And god bless his quick instincts and his fingers, that clutch on to the table and help him balance himself. 

"I am gonna drink till 1, and then I'm gonna dance till 2, which is why I can't go home now… you need to understand." She pleads with seriousness as she drags a bottle from his side to hers. And the sound of glass screeching against the wood, brings Levi back to his senses.

“Oi,” he warns as he snatches the bottle away from her and shakes his head.

“But Levi… I want more.” She pouts and he sighs to himself. She’s going to be in a horrible state tomorrow morning. Probably regretting everything and down with a nasty headache.

But she’s made her decision, even though in a shitty state. And he has crossed his boundaries once, but he’s not going to do that again. He has no right to tell her how to live her life, when he himself kicked her out of his.

And so he’ll protect her from the sidelines, he won’t impose his choices on her anymore. Because that is what caused all the mess in the first place.

So Levi watches, as she ruins herself. And he’s beside her, filling her glass with water whenever she reaches out for some beer. And he’s beside her, holding her hair back whenever she’s in the bathroom, vomiting. Even when it hurts to see her like this.

It's a little against his judgment, but he isn’t going to stop her from doing what she wants. As long as she is safe, he’s fine with it. And as long as he’s here, he’ll let nothing happen to her.

And as much as he’d say she’s in a pitiful and defenseless position right now, she’s smiling. And it's been so long since he has seen her like this. So lively and untroubled.

And so he’s beside her, ready to catch her whenever she gets up to dance.

He scans the tavern once more, checking for any dangerous objects that Mae might hurt herself with. And his eyes land on the cashier, who’s busy watching the both of them, instead of reading the damned novel in her hand. A string of curses fly out of his mouth at her prying eyes and her callous attitude, and he flashes her a disdainful look.

But then his eyes land back on Mae and they soften once again. She’s prancing around the tavern, halting at a chair, or speaking to a flower vase placed in a corner. Like a child, so bright and carefree. And it's been so long since he has seen her like this. Without any worry or a tear rolling down her cheek.

He would see this side of hers so often. In the days when she would share without thinking about how much she’s receiving in return. And when she would put hours of effort just to make him some pie to appreciate the small wins of his life.

It was the part of her that loved selflessly, that cared limitlessly. Without taking into account the cruel realities of the world… and of people. And he hurt her… He hurt the inner child that she so courageously showed him.

And even though it's completely his fault, he’s tired of seeing her hurting.

 She smiles at everyone, but it never meets her eyes. And even though no one else might be able to tell the difference, Levi can see the sadness brimming inside her. 

Even now, her cover of sadness is only broken due to temporary the haze of the alcohol. 

But he’s glad nevertheless. He’s glad she can have a single moment of rest and he can have a moment of reprieve as well. 

Mae reaches to his usual table, and lifts the tote bag he always carries around up. And Levi throws her a thumbs up in return, indicating she can do whatever she wants with it.

And she takes a red book out of it. The same red one that made him realize his feelings for her. The Fable of the Fallen Apple.

She shuffles towards him, and takes a seat on the bar stool next to him. And then she starts reading the story to him, just like the good old times. 

It reminds him of the days when she used to tutor him, except she’s holding the book in the opposite direction.

And he looks at her, chin resting on his palm and fingers drumming against his cheek. Eyes as soft as possible.

He decides he likes it. Even though her words are slurring and things just hardly make sense.

It's been so long since she has been like this with him. Having a normal conversation and not caring what anyone else thinks,

And very soon this will also fade. The contempt in her eyes will be back, and her voice will be quelled with sadness again. And he’ll go back to watching her walk away from him. Again and again.

And so he stays in the moment today. Savoring every word she says and every breath she takes, so it doesn’t hurt as much when she’s gone.

Half an hour passes by and the cashier finally says that it's time to close the tavern now. That working hours are close to an end, and it's time to wind up and clean the place.

Levi gets up as soon as hears the words. And makes his way towards her with some money in his hand.

“Sir you don’t have to pay today,” she responds politely as Levi extends the cash forwards towards her.

“This…,” he throws her a stern look but no one can deny the ever darkening hue on his cheek. It's prominent even in the dim light.”... Is too keep your mouth shut about all that was happening today.”

“… And,” Levi continues. “Make sure she reaches home safe, that redhead who is fast asleep right there.” He points towards Raz, who’s now snoring in her slumber. 

Mae rests there as well.  Almost mimicking Raz's position as she rests her head on the table. Utterly exhausted with all the prancing she has done in the past hour. 

His face softens in an instant.

Today she’s not here. The cautious, caring woman whose father told her to only drink in a safe place, with safe people. And today he’ll be gentle and patient, the man that he failed to be for her.

He walks over to her, and dotingly his hand lands on her shoulder. "Mae, let's go home." 

She shifts her head towards him, and the slits of her eyes lazily open for a split second as she glances at him. But she remains quiet and offers him no response.

“The store is closing… we need to go home now.” 

But the request garners no response again.

"Mae, please, let me take you to your house."

"B-but…  I don't wanna go home. I don’t like it there." She mutters out slowly and he grimaces as the words leave her mouth.

The sound of footsteps coming close feels louder in the silence that settles between Levi and Mae. And the tension in the air only reduces when the cashier steps in, and stands next to Raz.

And Mae tries to get up as well, as she sees Raz being woken up. But she’s had so much alcohol that she can’t even stand on her own feet. 

And Levi sees only one solution to the problem. 

“We’ll go to the headquarters okay… that works for you?” He speaks out a little softer. He may not have the right to pry into her life anymore and know all her problems. But he’s still here for her, and he’ll still help her whatever way he can.

She hums in agreement, and slowly they make their way out of the musty tavern.

The streets are quiet, the night is dark. The light from the street lamps brings out the texture of that cobblestone path. And Mae’s front is pressed to Levi’s back as he carries her back to the Survey Corps headquarters. Giving her a piggyback ride.

Her calves sway along with every step he takes, and her face is beside his, so close that he can feel her breath in and out.  A gush of air hits their face, and he breathes in a sigh of relief.

Finally he’s out of that filthy tavern and fresh air touches his face again.

“This feels awfully familiar doesn’t it Levi.” Mae mutters, voice low and hoarse from all the drinking she’s done with Raz today.

And Levi reminisces a little as he thinks of the day when those thugs attacked him. She stayed with him, begging and yelling that she won’t leave when he was repeatedly telling her he’d be fine on his own.

It is a memory he will cherish forever. “It does, except this time you are stinking.”

Mae falls quiet at his words and then she exhales heavily. “I really despise you sometimes Levi. You play with my heart in the worst ways possible.”

He falls quiet at her statement, and his shoulders wilt a little. A question lingers in the back of his head. One that he has been wanting to ask her forever. Do you hate me?... Because sometimes I hate myself too. 

But she beats him to it.

“But I still can’t bring myself to hate you… I don’t think I could ever hate you… You saved me and then you hurt me.  But you were you all along. It was me, who’s perception was distorted. It was me who clung to you because I thought I couldn’t do without you. I had low self esteem, I was lonely. And so I was the reason for all my heartache…” She pauses, and then her voice comes out much more sadder. ”I know I messed up and I should learn to find happiness all alone. I should have been more careful, less naive but it just hurts sometimes you know. …I’m never the first choice. Be it with Mr. Mendes, be it with you. I give all that I have in all my relationships. And every time someone else turns out to be more valuable than me…”

She lets out a sigh as she rests her chin on his clavicle and mutters,” I miss my parents so much. My friends as well. I don’t even know why I bothered staying. I should have just worn an olive cloak and offered myself to a titan.’ A sardonic laugh escapes her mouth.

And Levi frowns at the miserable joke. "Shut it, it's not funny. Don’t joke about dying to the titans.”

“I know I shouldn’t…” her voice cracks and somehow it turns more melancholic. “ But it’s so lonely without them, my family, my friends… Everything feels worthless.” 

What she is saying right now, is what she feels in the depths of her heart. Things she knows she might be wrong for feeling. And thoughts she knows, that will get her nowhere.

These are the thoughts she doesn’t want to settle with, and the thoughts she’s always fighting against. These are things that she’s admitting in her drunken state.

And Levi wants to cower and hide. He’s never been good at consoling and shit, and he wants to act like she never said all these things. He wants to continue staying invulnerable and never get his feelings out.

But he also knows these feelings all too well. These feelings of loneliness. And he doesn’t want her to suffer all alone with them, just like he does.

“Also I am heartbroken but I’m not dumb. I’m only telling you all this because you are ‘dream’ Levi, and just my imagination…The actual Levi will never touch me in a state like this… I am absolutely filthy.” She starts rambling, and in all her chatter, Levi tries to compose himself.

And he can feel the heat gathering to his cheeks as he tries to force some words out. “L-listen M-Mae.” 

It's hard. It doesn’t suit him and he's so unused to speaking out loud about his feelings. But he’s not going to let her feel miserable forever. He’s not going to succumb to his inner demons.

And he is going to comfort her with all the softness that remains in his heart. “You are not all a-alone… y-you might not consider it, b-but I am–.” He pauses again, to collect his thoughts, and calm himself. 

The air is heavy. And Levi is fumbling and stuttering with the way he is expressing himself. And much to his relief the moment is broken by sudden taps on his shoulder.

.“Levi, something’s coming up… I can feel it.” Mae speaks with urgency. 

And he almost freezes for a second. All thoughts of Mae and her loneliness simmer away, and for the first time in many years, Levi panics.

“NO NO NO,” He gets frantic, eyes wide as he scans every nook and corner. Then he spots a tree, at least 50 meters away and he darts towards it. “You need to control it, hold it in. HOLD IT IN.” 

“Levi h-hurry,” her voice is strained, and Levi tries to move as fast as possible, also making sure that his speed doesn’t further dislodge the contents in stomach.

The air feels heavy again, but this is a different kind of heavy. Filled with a different kind of suspense. 

The tree is just a few meters away,  but alas Levi is too late. 

“Le-” an ungraceful,  hideous sound pierces through the air. Right out of Mae’s mouth into his ear “-vi.”

And Levi halts in his tracks, eyes wide and eyebrows raised up, taking a moment to process what just happened. 

And it’s only after a minute that he comes back to his senses and sneers, “you just BURPED, in my ear.” 

Nevertheless, he’s very glad it's just a burp and not vomit.

Mae is still for a moment, and then she slouches again, chest pressing fully against his back as her chin goes back to resting on his collarbone. “‘M sorry… but Hange says why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it.”

Laughter ripples past his lips. This time it isn't a stifled chuckle or a subtle giggle. But a loud obnoxious cackle. ”You and Hange… “ he speaks in between breaths. “You and Hange will be the death of me.”

And Mae smiles at his words as well. Because Hange is amazing and iconic.

Shops and houses pass by, as Levi resumes walking at his regular pace, and Mae’s eyes remain wide awake. Staring at all the stores, almost searching for something.

And then her eyes light up, when she spots a shop all too familiar. Decorated with creepers and veils climbing along its white walls. “Is the bakery open? Can we go inside it.”

“It's 1 in the morning, obviously they’ll keep it open for you.” Levi retorts with blatant sarcasm.

And she huffs against the crook of his neck in response.  “I’ve not had a pastry in so long,” she drones out, and Levi frowns at her words. He vividly remembers how often she would have a pastry. Almost one every week because she's always been a firm believer of celebrating the small moments. And celebrating life in itself without any reason or accomplishment.

But he decides not to dwell on the topic any further, because it might make her upset. 

“All that energy is finally depleting hmm? It’ll make you easier to handle… What’s got you so energetic today, anyways?” He asks, as he changes the subject.

“I’m happy! I had a lot of fun with Raz today.” Her voice lights up and even though Levi can’t see her face  because of the position they are in. He knows that she is smiling with how sweet her voice sounds.

He smiles a little at that as well.

The rest of the journey passes by in silence. Mae closes her eyes and rests against Levi’s frame, and Levi listens to the thump of her heart against his chest . She’s so close to him, and she still stinks. But he’s glad nevertheless, He’s glad she had fun, and he’s glad he's getting to spend some time with her in so long.

In a way, all of this is wrong. She’s married and if she wasn't drunk she wouldn't let him touch her like that. But it's all going to fade away anyways. It will be ripped away from him just like everything is, and so he’ll stay while everything lasts, even if it's just for a day.

The headquarters come into sight. Time is running out, and a part of him doesn’t want to put her down. He wants to relish in her warmth that he's experiencing after so long.

But she needs rest, and she needs to sleep on a proper bed. So he enters the dim hallways and makes his way to his quarters.

His quarters are covered in darkness, with not a single candle flame flickering. But Levi knows this place as well as the back of his hand.

He places Mae on the couch, and quickly makes his way around to light a few candles.

And if Mae was in her senses she would have noticed that his room isn’t as clean as it used to be. The tea bags are hastily left on the kitchen counter, the bedsheet isn’t creaseless anymore. And what adds to it, is the stacks of paperwork piled both on his desk and even inside a few shelves.

But the alcohol rests heavy in her system, and her eyelids are shut close in exhaustion. She sighs in relief, finally a soft, comfortable surface to rest upon.

Much to her dismay, she is woken up by the sudden cool feeling that touches her skin. Her eyes open partially and Levi stands in front of her with a wet towel in his hands. “Levi let me sleep, what are you doing?” She calls out in frustration.

“It's not good to sleep with so much product on, not good for your skin… And your dress is stained everywhere, you are not sleeping on my bed with that on.”

But Mae feels so drowsy that she hardly listens to him. Her eyes close midway, heavy with sleep and she sits still on the couch, completely unbothered with whatever Levi is doing.

And Levi stands in front of her, dipping down from his back, as he scans her face. And cupping her jaw as he holds her face straight.

If only she’d open her eyes, she would see how close he is. She would see the red on his cheeks. And if only she wasn’t this sleepy, she would have felt how clammy his hands are, due to nervousness.

He takes in a deep breath and his hands quiver as he roves the towel over her eyelids. With all the gentleness that he can garner in his hardened fingertips. And as the makeup comes off from her skin, he sees the dark circles that now encircle her eyes, and skin that looks so dull and lifeless, filled with acne

And his silver eyes flock with concern as he stares at her a little longer.

She looks battered, like a worn out soldier who’s been strong for too long. 

And she’s here, because she didn’t want to go home. She doesn’t like it there. The thought itself fills Levi’s mind with rage and fear. 

And all that he knows for sure is that he is going to beat the shit out of her piece of a shit husband. 

"Is your husband treating you like shit?" he asks, with his voice drawn taut and jaw clenched.

"What husband?" she mumbles incoherently.

And Levi sighs, as he looks at her and her passed out state. He gets up defeated, and picks the comb he brought along as well. And then he moves behind the couch and positions himself behind Mae’s seated figure. “Straighten up, I’ll comb your hair.”

She gives in thoughtlessly, and it's only when Levi sees the clumps of hair that fall out of her head, does he notice how thin her hair has gotten.

He realizes he hasn't seen her properly in months, and now he sees her on the verge of breaking.

He gets visibly sadder at the thought, and in a mere attempt to distract himself he gets up and stands in front of her again. Wrapping both of his hands around her upper arms as he says, “come I-I’ll help y-you g-get changed.”

Mae’s sleepy eyes open wide at that, and a new found energy grips her voice. “NO, thank you mister, I can change by myself.”

“You can’t even stand.” Levi mutters, as he gets her up to her feet, hands still clutching on to her so that she doesn’t drop to the floor.

“As far as my brain tells me,” she says, tapping her index finger to her temple, “standing and changing clothes are two completely different things.”

And Levi looks at her incredulously, almost taken aback by her stupidity. “Tch, you are so drunk,” he grumbles.

And Mae gets quiet for a moment, before she says. "I'm not drunk, I'm beautiful."

Levi looks up at her as she says those words. Her skin is now clean and fresh, ridden of the smudged makeup that once dawned on her face. And the ponytail she wears, gives him a full view of her tired eyes that burn with boldness and conviction.

Indeed very beautiful.

"My face is not disgusting," she continues, as her eyes bore into his. But Levi doesn’t miss the slight tremor of her lips. 

His face falls and his heart sinks into a pit of disgrace. 

Those were the words he'd told her, weren't they?

All of a sudden he’s reminded of who he is, and what he’s done. And it's only now that he understands how he has hurt her. With every look and every word.

His throat runs dry and he finds himself unable to speak a word, without disintegrating.

The silence becomes agonizing. And Levi backs away, as he realizes that if he looks at her any longer, then he will break. Into bits and pieces. Because more than her husband, he’s a reason for the condition she’s in as well.

He takes slow steps backwards, unable to take his eyes off the floor and meet hers.

He needs a distraction. He needs to think about something else. And so he darts towards his bedroom, and finds his way to his cupboard. Opening it and absent mindedly pulling out a shirt and a trouser.

And when he stands in front of Mae, he’s back to being aloof. It has always been like this, a moment of defenselessness until he shrouds behind his mask of nonchalance.

"Go change," he places the clothes in her hands and struts away. Giving in to her demands even though she’s probably going to trip and fall. But also, a little too scared to displease her any more than he’s already done.

"Levi, wait," Mae’s hand latches onto his wrist. "I don’t want this…want the gray one… The v neck, it is my faaavourite on you.”

His face softens at the words and that’s all it takes for his mask of indifference to fade, once again.

There's a child in her, and he hopes she can always keep it alive. He hopes it doesn’t wither away in the cruelty of life, like the child in him did.

His cheeks turn pink again as he glances at the shirt she is holding out, because she wants his gray one.  And he makes a mental note to buy more in the same color. 

As quick as ever, he gives in to her request, and hands her the gray shirt she demands. 

At that her eyes squint and she flashes him the same smile that always takes his breath away. The same smile that makes him feel like he’s the reason behind all her joys. His cheeks turn pinker at the thought.  

No one’s ever smiled at him the way she does. No one has looked at him with such warmth and affection. And he’s glad that he can see her smile like this one last time. 

A part of him doesn’t want to leave. A part of him doesn’t want to go away so that she can change her clothes. A part of him doesn’t want to be apart from her a single second more. 

But he’s wronged her a little too much, to still be around her. A little too much to still crave her company.

And so he walks her to his room, lights a candle there as well and ambles away. Because even though his heart gravitates towards Mae, he isn’t a man capable of love.

The office seems silent now that she is cooped up in his room. And Levi lets out a heavy exhale as he walks towards the small kitchenette placed at the adjacent wall.

He brews himself a cup of tea, and takes a seat on his desk. Eyes glazing over the stack of paperwork piled in front of him. Somehow, the familiarity of it all calms his nerves and he takes a sheet out and starts with his paperwork.

And he waits, for the sound of Mae collapsing to the floor, or the gate opening and her wobbly figure leaning on to the doorframe.

He waits, and he waits but she doesn’t come out.

And drunks are so annoying, he prays that he never has to deal with them again.

Time ticks out, curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks to his room.

And when he opens the door, he’s met with the sight of her resting on his bed and the faint sound of her snores.

The candlelight kept on his side table casts dancing shadows across her sleeping figure. Her mouth is slightly parted, and her hair is strewn messily on the pillow. And Levi can’t help but hold a breath in as he stares at the way she looks so relaxed and peaceful;.. 

Then he pushes her towards the center of the bed, lest she fall and crack her head open. He tucks her in a blanket and places two pillows at her side just for protection. And finally he blows the candle off.

And as he looks back at her, he doesn’t know why he has the sudden desire to touch her. 

His motion stutters, and his fingers tremor as they reach towards her head. 

His mother would often pat his head when he had difficulty sleeping, but Mae is already asleep. So why does he have the sudden, irrational desire to caress her head?

And Levi doesn’t know indulgence. 

But he knows that the sun will rise tomorrow, and he will be blackened by his own regrets. Unable to face her because now he knows that he has probably left her, even unsafer, in an unhappy marriage. Now he knows how much he has hurt her. And now he knows how miserable she really is.

It feels like their last night together. Because tomorrow  she'll be gone, back to ignoring him. And he’ll go back to the miserable person who mourns the loss of that love that he himself destroyed. With his own two hands.

Levi doesn’t know indulgence, because everything he cherishes always ends up getting torn apart from him. 

But he has lost her already. She has been ripped away already.

And so he rests his hand on her head. And so he roves his palm over her head. Looking at her dotingly, caressing her gently. His heart beats wildly,  and for once he lets it win over

She looks peaceful now that she is asleep. Far different from the exhausted face she sports all the time in that filthy bar. And he drinks all of her details in for one last time.

He wants to look at her more, the desire only seems to deepen the more he stares at her face. He wants to be next to her the entire night.

And so Levi shifts his desk into the cramped space of his bedroom. As quietly as possible. And he lights up a candle as he sits down to do his paperwork. Right next to her sleeping figure.

Author's Note:

Okay! So with this we are done with half of the chapters for this fic.

This chapter is kinda bittersweet, I don't know how happy I am with this chapter honestly, because it has gotten too long and it might have some cringe moments, but I just wanted to show how close Mae and Levi are and what there bond was once like.

Also in the first scene, Mae has a realization that she needs to start working towards and in the 2nd scene, a month later she still hasn't been able to implement it completely yet. Its like you know you should love yourself, but you still find it hard to.

And that realization will come to her, but LATER on, not in the recent chapters for sure.

Also the line 'why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it' is not something my brain has come up with, i don't have that kind of genius-ness lol🤡. Its taken from a bollywood movie Queen, which I definitely recommend, because its a pretty good watch.

Another thing I want to mention is that its highly likely I'll take a few weeks off again, after I finish this arc, because I don't have enough content written to keep up with my writing schedule. And I don't want to write fast and compromise on the quality of the chapters, because I really want to give my best shot with this fic, and it takes me time to come up with good metaphors and ideas that I can put into the scenes. I'll completely address this situation next week.

Thank you reading! I hope you liked it. As always I appreciate any comments, questions and criticism as well. See you next Sunday

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

OC-tober Day 2: Glass

OC-tober prompts put together by @oc-growth-and-development​! I have to ramble in meta instead of write, because my brain is Mush lately. (I know I’m behind but I have a lot pre-written, I just need to put it into coherent words!)

This one especially can be rambled about at length, because the most important “glass” object in my stories is one I greatly enjoy exploring: Dove’s mindscape mirror!

^ I drew it forever ago; here’s the deviantArt link if you’d like to see the big version! 

https://www.deviantart.com/ravenshiddensoul/art/Dove-s-Keepsakes-Mirror-and-Box-284227087

It’s largely modeled after a bird stretching its wings upwards, with a handle like a tail and certain details are inlaid with Azarathean gold to better channel its magics.

Now, this is where the rambling begins: The mirror’s backstory, and I’ll be exploring one of my favorite things to develop in all of my stories: Dove’s mindscape!

Dove's mirror isn't one of her most prized possessions, nor super incredibly sentimental, but it IS an object touched with her mother's magic, it has flourishes of Azarathean gold (some of the last pieces to exist), and it's useful for introspection and self-soothing, so it does have some value and importance.

Dove struggled with meditating quite a lot as a child, and there was only so much her mother could do to help. Meditation was pretty important to them as both a means of helping Dove control her powers, and as a staple of Azarathean spirituality. As she so often did, Alerina poked around and asked enough questions around the temple that she was told about Raven's mirror, and she decided to replicate it for Dove. She custom ordered a gold-lined wooden hand mirror, and then cast the spells to connect it to Dove's inner world herself. It took a few tries (it's much harder to connect something to someone else's mind than your own, after all), but she was nothing if not determined to help her daughter, and eventually figured it out.

As for its main purpose: Self-reflection! (If you'll pardon the pun.) Dove uses it to meditate, but where Raven uses hers for centering and compartmentalization, Dove uses it more as a blend of escapism and a focusing aid.

Much like Raven's, Dove's mirror acts as a portal to the depths of her mind, and this is where it gets fun!

The vortex that transports the users is usually white and gold, imbued with the same energies that give Dove her powers, at least on her mother's side. It's noticeably touched with black and red in DDD. (Dove's evil side starts taking over her mind, and thus its energies manifest through the mindscape, and Dove's portal into it, hence: black and red energies instead.) It tends to open up like a light tunnel and almost opens the mental world around the user, rather than dragging them in.

Once inside, one can't expect to navigate the same way as Beast Boy and Cyborg did in "Nevermore". Every mind is different, after all! We saw Raven's mindscape divided nearly into emotional sections with a neutral space between them, and the way through each area was preset and linear. While different parts of Dove's internal world manifest in different "areas", they're not so totally divided and separate, and there's no real "neutral" zone except at the very "center". The scenery changes, but it's more of a gradual transition, and though Dove employs thresholds to mark key areas, they're very much just visual aids.

Dove's mindscape is laid out more like a series of rooms and courtyards in a very (very, very, very) large mansion. The ground is generally of crystal, spires and columns decorate the scenery, and the thresholds are modeled after birds with their wings outspread. (While this seems like a play on Dove's namesake, it's actually based on Azarath's architecture, particularly that of George Perez's Azarath in the 1980's New Teen Titans comics.)

Dove's sky shows various stars and often casts moonlight from an uncertain source, particularly when she's introspecting. The ambient temperature varies amongst the locations, chilly in the regions ruled by fear and sadness, uncomfortably warm near her demon's domain, and comfortable and breezy where her peace and contentment reside.

One could easily get lost in her mindscape if they don't know where they're going. The place can shift and change on a whim.

Where Dove spends her time building that peace and contentment, it's very closely modeled after her mother's memories of Azarath (which is where she learned how to find peace, after all): there's marble and gold everywhere, and the stars twinkle with dozens of colors in the sky.

Where Dove retreats when there are feelings of timidity, her excruciating shyness, her grief and doubt, the world becomes shrouded in thick fog. Broken buildings and pale light litter the grounds.

Where she built her love for reading, for history, for creativity and study and learning, it's arranged as rooms with dark marbled tile and a carpeted path, the floor for dozens of feet on either side littered with piles of books.

Dove's inner happy place is an open field on gently rolling hills, where thoughts take the form of birds and somehow the sky holds both the stars and suns. One might find trees, flowers, abstract forms of cottages, and forts loaded with mugs and cozy cushions. If you wander far enough you'll find very tall stone walls surrounding it, because Dove's mind is such that her happiness is one of the few things she really truly believes she needs to protect from the rest of herself.

And then there are the aspects of herself that she shoves the deepest down, secreted far away from the surface: the anger, the hunger for power, the mean streak. (Yes, believe it or not, Dove does have a mean streak! You just have to work especially hard to bring it out. Or trigger her in just the right ways around sadism, violence, war, or death. It's very much Not Recommended; bringing too much of that mean streak out could mean Dove loses control of her powers, or worse: her demonic aspects.)

Those secret forces aren't so much located in one particular space of her mind as they're hidden in every dark corner, coursing through the underside of all the ground, a tantalizing power running through every part of her, only ever set free enough to use the dangerous powers to her own ends.

Her places for Fear and Curiosity in particular will be explored in the upcoming Missing: Raven rewrite. (As they're the strongest things Dove is feeling in that story, that's going to be what Beast Boy and Cyborg encounter.) I also explored the way these things manifest in DDD, and in that same story Dove will focus on rebuilding Peace in the final chapter.

I can't talk about Dove's mindscape without mentioning the "emoticlones". These fun little guys are called by the fanon term given to Raven's "emotion clones", the separate parts of her that express a specific set of traits based on particular aspects of her personality. I had so much fun playing with their voices and thoughts in Dove's head during DDD, you have no freaking idea! I also copied the concept of them having Colored Cloaks from Teen Titans canon, because honestly it's a quick and easy way to identify them, and the fandom's familiar with this system through Raven.

Which colors mean what was more inspired by details from a really old, now-defunct website called Cartoon Orbit that had separate "online trading cards" for each of Raven's emoticlones! On that site, Raven's were labeled as such, and this is what I based Dove's system on, loosely: - Pink: "Raven Happy" - Red: "Raven Rage" - Orange: "Raven Rude" - Yellow: "Raven Smart" - Green: "Raven Brave" - Brown: "Raven Fear" (I'm pretty sure there was a purple one, but I don't recall what it was called. "Love" maybe? That might be from fanon; this site was running like 15 years ago, and I was like 10 years old, so I hardly thought to pay Super Special Attention to it...)

But I digress. The point is, I adapted that system for the key aspects of Dove's unique personality, and came to understand them as follows:

- Pink: Joy, relief, coziness - Red: Cruelty, impulsivity, anger - Orange: Apathy, indifference, disregard - Yellow: Curiosity, study, intrigue - Green: Courage, determination, activity - Blue: Contentedness, pacifism, spirituality - Purple: Compassion, friendship, romanticism - Gray: Sadness, grief, longing. - Brown: Fear, fear, fear!

But for Dove's mind in particular, it's not only HER experiences and personality that form the world! She's a telepath, and though she holds others' privacy in very, very high regard and tries never to read someone's mind without their permission, her sense of receptive telepathy is ever-present. Echoes, lights, shadows, reflections of others' memories and thoughts might affect the very edges of her mind. It's a constant sense, but it only ever causes very ephemeral changes unless something deeply affects her.

Her mindscape also grows and changes as Dove grows and changes, experiences life, learns to cope, and changes how she handles her own emotions.

Most notably, the internal struggle in DDD tore her mind apart. Initially it was due to a breakdown of certainty and confidence, hastened by guilt and grief, but it soon became a deliberate tactic to wage war on the parts of Dove's mind that were trying to resist the evil; eventually her inner demon began intentionally breaking/corrupting everything it could touch.

By chapter 20, that evil is the only strong and stable thing in Dove's mind. Raven's attack to remove the evil in her took away that stability, and strength, and thus took away what was essentially the last support holding Dove's mind together. As it says in the story: "everything collapsed". Dove's mindscape was utterly destroyed, and only the most basic aspects of her remained.

For awhile, that left Dove unable to remember things clearly, or feel emotions without great pain. Rebuilding it to the point where she was able to talk and feel Mostly Normally again took months of meditation.

When Dove is kidnapped and Leyla has distressing dreams about her mother, she, Srentha, and Raven use the mirror to check on Dove by accessing her mindscape. With her powers stripped away, surrounded by people who mock her, and certain Fauni rituals sickening Dove to her soul, naturally her mind is very different: shadowy forms flitted at the edges of vision, the ground wavered, her discomfort was thick in the air and the constant fear made everything so, so cold. "Shadows" of others' thoughts flashed in and out of existence, and Dove's desperation manifests as fleeting voices on the wind. It's uncomfortable to be in her mind while she's so distressed.

It's also worth mentioning that her mindscape changes again, essentially "growing" the part of her that belongs to Love when she finally lets herself love Srentha, and it expands again when Leyla's born and Dove once more finds depths of love she didn't know she could carry.

[everlarkficquestions]

Sunday Stumped Day 35

It’s another Sunday Stumped Day!

Sometimes we straight out get stumped. So every few months we will pick a Sunday when we’ll post of a list of asks that we need your help on. 

In this round, we are focusing on asks for specific stories.   If your ask for a more general “type of” story is not included, it does not mean we are ignoring it, it just means we need more time to research and answer these asks. 

If  you know the answer to any of these asks please shoot us a message/  ask/  with the Post number and the fic details and we’ll add it and give you a shout out with our thanks.  Any links you can provide will also be super helpful.

Thanks!

Post 1 , Post 2 , Post 3, Post 4, Post 5, Post 6, Post 7, Post 8, Post 9, Post 10, Post 11, Post 12, Post 13, Post 14, Post 15, Post 16, Post 17, Post 18, Post 19, Post 20, Post 21, Post 22 , Post 23, Post 24, Post 25, Post 26,  Post 27, Post 28, Post 29 , Post 30, Post 31, Post 32, Post 33 and Post 34 can be found here - and there are still fics we need your help with.

576.  Anonymous said to everlarkficquestions:  Hi, I am searching everlarkfic that I read couple years ago in ff.net. Post mockingjay, Katniss and Peeta are getting married then when they’ll rebuild Peeta's family bakery, peeta got collapse and they find out that he was dying. In the end peeta died. Annie and Katniss's mother had to move Katniss to district 4 to taking care of her. In district 4, Katniss met with gale and they were slowly building relationships from there?

577. its-hopeless-romantic said to everlarkficquestions: Hey,I am looking for fic in which Peeta is Katniss's college professor (he is 10 years older than her) and they fall in love. He is teaching history of art and I remember he invited her to the opening of his galery. I remembre that he goes to Italy to teach for a few months and before that he introduces her to his family. I think it has 2 long chapters in second one there is his proposal. (It's called Lessons in Love or something like, but I can't find it)thanks 💕💕💕

578. alwayseverlark said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! Looking for a in Panem fic (I think no games) , where Peeta is working in the mines and an accident happens and Katniss is looking for him thinking he’s dead , but Gale thinks she wa s looking for him instead and when he realizes , he’s mad at Katniss.I am not sure if this is one fic... or if I’m mixing two different fics...Thansk!

579. stonyspideypool said to everlarkficquestions:I'm looking for a fanfic were I think katniss wants peeta to take control/be more dominant so she calls johanna and johanna tells her that peeta would never force himself on her and he has dealt with so much blue balls over the years that he's used to it or something (lmao) sorry that's all I remember 😅😅Love the page btw💙❤ literally its the only reason I'm on tumblr, thank you💕

580. amesielee said to everlarkficquestions:Hi I'm looking for a fanfic. It's either a one shot 2 shot or 3 shot and it's about Peeta and Katniss having sex. It's their first time and once it's over Peeta grabs a wash cloth for Katniss to help her out. She then gets mad and assumes he has done it before with Delly. I think Peeta didn't know it was her first time. And Peeta says maybe we are just good together. He then asks if she loves him. It's on Tumblr. I hope you can help xx

581. booksandeverlark said to everlarkficquestions:Hi there! Another story I remember reading but can’t think of the title. I know Leeta is older then Katniss. Peeta knew Katniss’ Parents and is their age. Katniss likes Peeta and Peeta keeps telling her he’s too old for her but she doesn’t care. They start to date and Katniss dad finds out before they can tell and eggs mad. I think Peeta also gets hurt protecting Katniss and how she reacts makes her dad see they are serious. Thanks so much for the help

582. everlark-always said to everlarkficquestions:Trying to find a fic...modern au where katniss is with her friends (Annie Johanna Finnick Gale madge....) at a party and they find her the next morning in bed with Peeta?

(582) This could be I Dare You (To Stay) by Thewritershae - thank you @allie-rose

583. justanotherrandomaccount9999 said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! Do you know of a fic where it the story is about each time peeta ruins a cake? I read it before but forgot the title. The last time was when he made Katniss a cake for her birthday but dropped it when she said she was pregnant. Thanks for everything you've done for this fandom btw :)

584. pleasantturtletheorist-blog said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! So this might be a tricky one (bc I don’t remember much of the plot lol) but basically in this fic Peeta was like “don’t deny me post-sex cuddles” or something along those lines hahah. And I remember the scene being really cute but I can’t remember much else about it. I know this is very vague but if you could help I’d really appreciate it!! 🥺🥺

(584) This is possibly Blowout by Annieoakley1. - Thanks to @sunsetsrmydreams

585. yeeyeejones73 said to everlarkficquestions:Hello:) I was wondering if y’all know the name of a fic where it’s canon post mockingjay and everlark is growing back together slowly. I remember peeta gets a boner while Katniss and him are sleeping. I also think Peeta accidentally sees Katniss in only her towel after a shower and it’s super cute and awkward. I hope y’all can help and also thanks for all y’all do!

586. superpineappleenthusiast said to everlarkficquestions:Hey, I'm looking for a fic where the tributes of 74th games escape the arena. Thanks!

587. anonymous-loner95 said to everlarkficquestions:What the fic where Peeta thinks he's about to sleep with some random girl, which I think is actually is Jo, but is tricked into a room with Katniss?

588. thatgirl56834 said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! First of all, I love this blog! You guys rock! I’ve been looking for a one shot I used to read all the time. It was where Katniss and Peeta were friends in middle school and kissed after their dance but then Katniss moved away. Years later they ended up being neighbors and getting together. Peeta lied about who he was at first but then Katniss figured it out. If you know what this fic is, I’d love to read it again! 💗

588 FOUND!  Wishes Old and New by Peetasbunmyoven. Thank you, @sunsetsrmydreams and @allie-rose

589. neonsnail said to everlarkficquestions:Hey I'm looking for a fic where peeta meets katniss and she has some kind of vision that if she gets pregnant prim dies and tries to stay away from peeta but she fails and then she sleeps with peeta to try to get pregnant and fails then disappears and they meet again a few years later and become a couple

589 FOUND! The story ha been identified as The Fool by Myusernamehere but unfortunately it has been deleted by the author.  Thank you @katnissdoesnotfollowback​

590. everlark-always said to everlarkficquestions: what’s the fic where Peeta cheats (post mockingjay) on Katniss and because of this she ends up with someone else?

591. everlark-always said to everlarkficquestions: Peeta and Katniss are in highschool and Peeta goes to prom with Madge and Katniss goes with Gale. She wears a burgundy dress and at the pre prom thing she meets an old friend from home named Josh.

592. tributeintraining said to everlarkficquestions:I'm looking for a specific fanfic I read years ago. It's a modern AU where Katniss and Gale are in a band together. Katniss is the guitarist and doesn't sing. Gale is married to Madge but was having an affair with Katniss. The public finds out and she leaves the band. She goes solo and starts a PR relationship with Peeta. Her first solo performance is singing "Shake it out". That's all I remember. Thank!

593. supreme-doritos said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! im looking for a fic where the rebellion happens early and the capitol gets overthrown before the 74th hunger games by a tribute (then victor) from district 7. At one point katniss and peeta (who lost his leg in the bombing) look after haymitch but he ends up killing himself so they don't starve during a really harsh winter. Before he dies he asks katniss to give chaff a naked lady mug/glass (i cant remember the name lol sorry) Thank you! I really appreciate you guys <3

593 FOUND!  The Avalanche And Little Pebbles by Dyce - thanks to @eggplant8

594. entwodreiquatrocinq-blog said to everlarkficquestions: So i'm looking for this fanfic I read once on FF.net. Peeta and Katniss are intimate in the catching fire arena, and later in district 13, she finds out that she pregnant. Peeta is either in a coma or captured and one of his brothers survived. I believe there is a fight between Katniss and the brother, and he says something like "just because you f'ed my brother in front of the entire country doesn't mean....."  That's all I remember, I hope it's specific enough. :)

(594) Possibly The Sharp Edge of Memory by Titania522 - thanks @eggplant8

595. lettrsto said to everlarkficquestions:hi guys!! i can't remember for shit the name of this one shot, i guess it was written for promptsinpanem, where katniss dates gale, but haymitch hates his guts so k&g make a deal w peeta so katniss fake dates peeta while she's actually dating gale behind haymitch's back. can you guys give some help, pretty please? does it ring any light? thank you!!!!

(595)  FOUND by the asker!  Yours And Mine by Andthisisthewonder

596. jonerys-everlark said to everlarkficquestions:I remember a fanfic where Katniss and Peeta were in the 74th games when Katniss learns that Peeta is with the Careers, she remembers him telling her something (I think) but I know that she then waits until they are gone, and says to the audience something to the effect of , “I have something to say... he has not betrayed me, he is protecting me, as to his confession in the interview, I’m still trying to decide how I feel about it” or something like that, basically, she knows he is on her side an

Do any of these fics ring a bell? Please let us know!

[crystalstar8]

Knights of the Night (Epilogue 2)

Epilogue 2

Ch 1, ch 2, ch 3, ch 4, ch 5, ch 6, ch 7, ch 8, ch 9, ch 10, ch 11, ch 12, ch 13, ch 14, ch 15, ch 16, ch 17, ch 18, ch 19, ch 20, ch 21, ch 22, ch 23, epilogue, epilogue 2

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29139240/chapters/71536491

pairing: Jungkook x oc

genre: vampire au, college au, twilight, romance

word count: 1,053

warnings: blood (obviously), kidnapping, child kidnapping, needles, France, human trafficking

notes: vampires, vampire au, college, college au, so many twilight references, blood, needles, kidnapping, children, homelessness, dance, ballet, flashbacks, romance, slow burn, probably no smut, idk yet tho, France, French things, attempted genocide, inaccurate French history, bisexual main character, @strawberriewithchocolate-blog @mozy-j  @daechwitad-2​ @zobadak​ @fallenstar-7​​​

summary: Catalina starts college in a small town all the way across the country. She doesn’t know anyone and isn’t exactly looking for friends. She just wants to focus on dance. But when she meets fellow dance major, Jimin, and adventurous, fellow freshman, Jungkook, Catalina ends up discovering a whole new side to the small college town; one that is dangerous but oh so enticing...

Jungkook was waiting for her outside the building, a rose in his hand. Catalina’s nose scrunched into a smile as she skipped down the stone steps.

France was overwhelming; the architecture everywhere was ancient and beautiful, and the history was fascinating and rich. The people were a bit rude, especially once they realized they were Americans. They were only a bit more forgiving when Namjoon, Taehyung, and Yoongi showed off their fluent French.

The theater Catalina had her audition in was stunning. The outside was all white columns and friezes, the inside was mosaic tiled floors and painted ceilings.

               When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she dropped her dance bag and threw herself into Jungkook’s arms.

               “You got me a rose?” she asked, leaning back just enough to look at the rose in his hand.

               “Of course I got you a rose,” he said. “You think I’d let you step out of an audition without a rose?”  

               Catalina giggled and took the flower from him.

               “How did it go? Did you get in?” he asked.

               “I don’t know yet,” said Catalina. “They’re going to do callbacks in a few days.”

               “Good thing we’re staying for a while,” said Jungkook.

               “But honestly, it doesn’t matter if I get in or not,” said Catalina. “There’s always next year. And There’s always plenty of shows.”

               “Yeah, you have all the time in the world,” said Jungkook. He stared at her for a moment, then whispered, “I want you to turn me.”

               “Oh yeah?” Catalina asked. She had been waiting for this. She knew that he was worried about aging without her, she could see it his eyes sometimes when they went to bed together, knowing she wouldn’t fall asleep. She especially saw it on his birthday. “You’re still young.”

               “I know, but I’m already the same age as you now,” he said.

               “Oh no! You’re the same age as me! You basically have one foot in the grave already!” Catalina giggled.  “You should take your time. You get hotter every year. Let yourself ripen a bit before doing this.”

               He laughed loudly and tugged her closer.

               “That’s true,” he said.

               “Wait until we both graduate,” said Catalina. “We can talk then.”

               “You’re pulling an Edward on me?” he said. “Next thing I know, it’ll be, ‘wait until we’re married’.”

               Catalina giggled and swatted his arm. “You’re being a baby.”

               “I know. I’m kidding,” he said. “I can wait.”

               “Besides, we need time to explore the wonders of blood drinking during sex,” she said. “Did you know there’s aphrodisiacs in the venom when you drink from someone? It’s supposed to make them pliant, but it doesn’t turn them into a vampire.”

               “That sounds hot,” said Jungkook. “Also, I am a fan of being manhandled. I’m not ready for that to end just yet.”

               “I know. We might need a chaperone though,” she said, tapping her chin. “I don’t know if I’d be able to stop once I got started. You smell way too good.”

               “We have plenty of time to work out the specifics,” said Jungkook. “I need time to get hotter each year, so we’ll figure it out.”

               They both laughed as they went to the car waiting for them.

~~~~~~~~~~~

               Taehyung loved the Louvre. It was like a dream come true, wandering the unending corridors, seeing all the classics he’s idolized for hundreds of years.

               “Taehyungie, what’s this one called?” Jimin asked. His hand was covering the informational plaque under a series of paintings depicting a man looking at a celestial globe. Jimin had been doing this for hours, but Taehyung didn’t mind. He loved sharing what he knew about all his favorite pieces.

               “That’s ‘The Astronomer’, by Vermeer,” said Taehyung. Jimin smiled and strolled ahead down the corridor, in search of his next quiz. It was a weekday, so the museum wasn’t very busy. There was a tour group of young students, which Taehyung and Jimin ran into a few times, but otherwise there were only a few stray artists wandering around doing sketches of the statues.

               In the back of his mind, Taehyung knew that the rest of their group was supposed to meet them here at some point, but Taehyung and Jimin were so far into the maze of art that he wouldn’t even know how to direct them once they arrived. He wasn’t worried about it either. He was having too much fun with Jimin to care about the others right now.

               Every moment spent with Jimin was special to him. He still couldn’t believe sometimes how quickly Jimin had reassured and forgiven Taehyung; he was so sure Jimin would hate him for making that decision for him. And while Jimin was struggling getting used to his new life, he made it clear that he was thankful to be alive, that he was excited to spend forever with Taehyung.

               “What about this one?” Jimin asked. Taehyung strolled over to look at what painting Jimin was at.

               “‘St. Michael Vanquishing Satan’,” said Taehyung. “Raphael.”

               Jimin continued down the hall, eyes flitting across each painting. Taehyung was most excited to see David; he heard that the statue was way bigger in person than one would expect.

               Taehyung stopped. The painting he was looking at made his eyes widen and his mouth fall open. The plaque said that the artist was unknown. Jimin must have noticed that Taehyung had stopped moving, because he wandered over, letting out a gasp when he saw the painting.

               They didn’t say anything for a while. The school group wandered past behind them, the children’s voices bouncing off the stone walls.

               “Hey, that guy looks just like you!” a voice shouted from behind them. Jimin turned around to talk with the girl, who was pointing at Taehyung. Taehyung didn’t take his eyes off the picture though. He felt a tear roll down his face.

               “Can I take a picture of you with that painting?” the little girl asked. Taehyung wiped the tear from his cheek and nodded, turning around to face the girl. She lifted her phone and snapped a picture. She gave them a toothy smile before running to catch up with her classmates.

               “Is this Adrianna’s work?” Jimin asked. Taehyung nodded. He turned back around to stare at the painting of himself with his dog.

.

.

.

.

.

A/N:

And that’s a wrap! Thank you to everyone reading this and sticking with me during this story. Reading the comments was my favorite part of this journey. 

This story is officially novel length! I’ve never accomplished that before with a complete work! I’ll be posting this story on Wattpad, and I’m also thinking of changing names and adding scenes to make this a publishable work, so keep your eyes out for updates on that!

[bokunoheroanalysisforthefuture]

Chapter three! I already skimmed through it and just. Holy fuck I’m falling in love with this series all over again, and this is just the opening arc, how the hell is this so good??? I’m genuinely just in awe and fuck is it making it hard to decide where to have a cut-off point for this chapter. I suppose we’ll just have to see what fate decides.

(Also, the temptation to just paste in all of the last three pages of the chapter is so incredibly strong, you don’t understand.)

[No. 3 - Entrance Exam]

We start off with some exposition: UA’s hero course is designed to give students all they need to go pro, and is the toughest and most popular hero course in the country, with only a 1 in 300 acceptance rate. Discounting the four slots that are recommendation students, that’s 36 slots a year, which is about…

Yeah. That’s a lotta applications, and that’s just for the hero course! 

Several alumni are mentioned: All Might, who declined the people’s choice award; Endeavor, who’s stopped more crimes than anyone else in recorded history; and Best Jeanist, who’s won the Best Jeanist award eight years running. (One of these things is not like the other~ One of these things just doesn’t belong~) The exposition suggests that graduating from UA is basically a requirement for becoming a great hero - something which we’ll learn soon enough isn’t quite true.

But yeah, Endeavor with the record for crime handling, even above All Might. Quite the impressive hero, though that face…

Not precisely reassuring.

So yeah, Izuku here mentions the date of the exam - February 26th. I figure that this has to be a Sunday, for the simple fact that Japan has a slightly different school schedule than us. Most notably: Japanese schools (some of them, anyways) have 5.5 day school weeks. Yes, that means the first half of Saturday can still be a school day. 

While I couldn’t confirm for sure whether this is more common among the higher end schools, I feel like a school like UA, with its ‘Plus Ultra’ motto, would definitely be a school to have a half-day (or even a full day) on Saturdays, and since they also have to accomodate for middle schools that have Saturday morning classes, I figure that it would make the most sense for UA to schedule this exam on a Sunday. 

The benefits of this, as we’ve already seen, is that we can then narrow down the timeline for the rest of the series, just based on that single, confirmed date. We know from the last chapter that the Sludge Villain had to happen on a Thursday or Friday of the first week of school (April 14th/15th), with the first training session two days later (the 16th/17th). But what this also gives us is when Izuku’s first year of UA starts, AND the possible years it could start on. 

Since we see the glowing baby is in a modern hospital, we can assume that’s correlated to about our times. Give it a few generations, and we can guess that we’re in the 2200s or 2300s for the current era. Based on that assumption, we get the following years that have February 26th on a Sunday:

23rd century potential years: 2204, 2209, 2215, 2226, 2232, 2237, 2243, 2254, 2260, 2265, 2271, 2282, 2288, 2293, 2299

24th century potential years: 2310, 2316, 2321, 2327, 2338, 2344, 2349, 2355, 2366, 2372, 2377, 2383, 2394, 2400

As a side note, when I got into the series, my brain weirdly latched onto the idea that this had to all be happening in the year 2317. I don’t know why I decided on that number, but that’s what I rolled with, and hilariously I could be RIGHT about the year the current manga arc is happening in, provided Izuku’s first year is in 2316. Sometimes you just know, ya know? I know at least one other friend made these calcs independently of me and chose to run with 2237, which is totally valid! Probably makes more sense to be in the 2200s, but there’s room depending on how much time one thinks has passed.

As for when Izuku’s high school school year starts, we know that Japanese schools start on the second Monday of April. Since we don’t know if this is a leap year or not, we’ll end up with two dates, but that’s fine!

Feb 26 (Sun) -> Feb 27 (Mon) -> March (6/5, 13/12, 20/19, 27/26) -> April (3/2, 10/9)

Therefore, Izuku’s first day of classes (not counting the orientation, which I’ve seen a few other timelines assume is on the Sunday before classes start) is April 10th (or the 9th if a leap year)! I know this is all in the future from this chapter, but still, I wanted to share this at some point and figured now was as good a time as always.

Math!

Sorry, I’ve just wanted to share this math I did for a while now, I put a lot of work into it and I am very proud of it. Let’s get back to the chapter.

So Izuku lives a 40 minute train ride away from UA, and has made it just in time for the exam. Apparently, this is only the practical portion? Or well, that’s the part that gets focused on in this chapter, with no mention of the paper exam. I would imagine they’d be the same day, though? But I suppose one can do whatever they like with it.

He’s standing there looking at the school, thinking about how he didn’t have a chance to test the power, while the other students head in-

Excuse me, Toga?? I know that hairstyle is just a bit off, but… ???

...right, anyways. Izuku is wondering whether the hair really did anything (also, it was apparently sour, which, ew.) Katsuki comes up behind him and tells him to move aside.

Truly a flattering image. Izuku panics a bit and greets him, but Katsuki just walks by without another word or gesture, leaving Izuku confused as he watches him head on into the building. The narrative notes that since the villain incident, Katsuki hadn’t bothered Izuku, while the unnamed characters in the background apparently recognize Katsuki from the ‘sludge’ incident (well, not shocked how the fandom held onto that name). 

Izuku notes that he’s gotta stop flinching instinctively, and then tries to hype himself up, noting that it’s not like before, and think about the past ten months while taking a wobbly step forward- and then tripping over himself.

I’m sorry Izuku just has so many fantastic faces in this chapter I am crying trying to limit myself to just a few. But yeah, that little derp as he realizes what’s happening is adorable, especially while Ochako gently sets him back on his feet. She mentions that it’s her quirk, and apologizes for using it, but that it’s a bad omen to trip and fall. (I wonder if that gets played with again during later parts of the series… will have to check to see.)

While Izuku freaks out over talking to a girl, Ochako notes that the exam is nerve-wracking, and then heads off while wishing both of them luck as Izuku stares after. 

This fucking kid. I love him so much. His flustered excitement gets him some weird looks from the others still outside.

We transition to a new character (Present Mic) who immediately shows off his performative side by calling for a ‘hey!’ which… is met with silence from the crowd. He doesn’t let this throw him off, instead letting them know that he’ll present the guidelines for the practical, followed with a ‘YEAH!’ that gets met with an even heavier silence.

Izuku and Katsuki are seated next to each other, with Izuku descending right into excited muttering over Present Mic and how he listens to his radio show every week. Also with the assumption that all the UA teachers are pro heroes, which I mean, true, but still. Katsuki tells Izuku to shut up.

Present Mic explains the test: ten minute long ‘mock cityscape maneuvers’, with the applicants split among seven arenas, labelled ‘A’ through ‘G’. With more than 10k applicants total, that’s about…

Yeah, more than 1500 per arena. Fucking hell, no wonder the robots deplete so quickly in only a few minutes. Also of interest:

“Bring along whatever you want.” So technically, if Izuku were able to procure the tech and training to handle the robots, there would be nothing keeping him from getting into UA quirkless… though I imagine any kid who gets in mostly on tech probably gets side-eyed… though if said kid made their OWN tech, they might also get an offer from the Support department.

(AU where Mei accidentally took the heroics exam and got a shitload of points, but she ended up taking the offer for Support instead despite setting the record for most points in said exam. Katsuki forever wants to fight her. Izuku and her are good friends.)

Also, another thing I love is how Katsuki just told Izuku to shut up a moment ago, and then:

He’s the one to initiate conversation on the details of the test, basically agreeing on the reasoning behind dividing up the students between arenas. Katsuki is annoyed at not being able to crush Izuku, which has Izuku awkwardly silent. 

Also mini-Mic.

Poor, poor Mic. He just wants audience participation. Anyways, he continues on to explain the points system, with the help of cute little Mario-themed silhouettes. There are three kinds of faux villains, with different points awarded for defeating each based on their difficulty levels. Also, attacking other examinees is prohibited!

A student (cough Tenya) raises their hand to ask a question, going on to note that the handout sheet appears to have four varieties of villain, and that such a blatant error (if it is one) reflects poorly on Japan’s top academy. He then spins around and points at Izuku, calling him out for his muttering and how distracting he’s been, and that ‘if this is some sort of game to you, then please leave immediately!’ 

Is that… Mineta seated behind Izuku? I can’t find another panel that disproves that theory, so. Whelp. If you ever for some reason want to have Izuku accidentally deal with the grape early, he’s right there. 

Anyways, Present Mic brings the convo back to the initial question/comment, noting that the fourth villain is worth zero points, and is more of an obstacle. He then brings up Super Mario Brothers, the old retro game, and compares the Zero Pointer to a thwomp. There’s one per site, serving as a gimmick that’ll rampage in close quarters. Tenya thanks Mic and apologizes for the interruption. 

And so we get our final words from Present Mic:

??? either he's referencing the original guy (which I think would be a misquote because I doubt OG Nap ever noted anything like that) or some French hero or the like who took on the name.

Discord offered this to me while putting together the post:

So there you have it. Tentatively confirmed.

Those EYES man, dude’s got the Rinnegan going on.

Honestly, I have to end on this panel just because of that last line from Present Mic. Like, look me in the eyes and tell me this isn’t the exact point to end on. 

The discord’s takeaway from this:

[ms-rampage]

Eden’s Gate: The Mother Chapter 13 - Are There God? It’s Me A Winchester

Warnings: Witchcraft?? Some Angst

Word count: 1.9k

Where it all began. 

Summary: Mandy and Dawana cast the spell to shield her from Chuck and work against the Project to take them down. 

Guest OCs: Dawn Floyd (FC: Anna Diop), Camille Floyd (FC: Tati Gabrielle)

Guest Characters: Raphael [Supernatural; female vessel]

Note: Sorry for the delay on the chapters, I'm working on other writing projects and dealing with work and class.

_______

“I wish to know about your past” Joseph tells Mandy, standing in the middle of his church. Cupping her cheeks, looking down at her. 

She takes a deep breath, looking up at him. “I-I’ve. I’ve killed people” she starts off, trying to keep herself from crying. “I’ve killed people. Innocent people. I wish to forget about it. Forget about it all, like it never happened”. 

He runs one of his hands through her hair, showing her comfort. While his other hand cups her cheek. 

“I’ve done bad things to people, I lost my girls because of it” she mutters, looking away from him. She’s not even acting anymore, this shit is all fucking legit, she’s hurting her own feelings just by telling him all of this. 

Reliving the painful memories she had to go through. Whether it was from 13 years ago, 20 years ago, or 7 and a half months ago, she’s feeling and hearing everything single word, and it still hurts her. No matter how strong she tries to be. 

Knowing she has to wait all of this out until the New Moon. She must be patient. Remembering that Raphael left something for her under her pillow, she goes to the room, her and Joseph share, and checks underneath her pillow. 

She finds her deceased husband’s journal. She smiles at it, unwraps the string that keeps it closed and opens it. Reading through it, Joel’s handwriting was always easy to read, it was neat, clean and he also had a very steady hand. Other than the monsters he hunted, he wrote about his life. 

His kids Paige and Katella, Mandy, his younger brother Brent, his childhood and upbringing. Trying to hold back her tears, a part of her wishes she could have her husband back. She knows he watches over her, and their daughters. 

1 month later. 

The New Moon is here, only 12 hours to go until 3 am. With the help of Dawana and her 14 year old daughter Camille. Mandy has everything for the spell. 

She had to keep a low profile from the Voodoo Priestess until the New Moon. Giving her instructions on where to meet her and the correct time to, and angle of the moon. That sort of stuff. 

The spell must be done as it should be, no screws up, can’t waste any time with this spell. Every second counts. They have their location ready, and all the supplies they need. 

Standing next to Joseph for his Sunday sermon, the church filled with his loyal followers. His Children, what he calls them. 

Listening to every word he says, thinking about the utter betrayal she is about to bring to the Project. Turning her back on them, stabbing them in back. 

Helping out the Resistance and the Whitetail Militia. 

With only 10 hours left, she keeps her low profile by being with Joseph for the rest of the day. 

Raphael appeared to her a few times that day to check up on her. Knowing that he’s risking a lot for his human, and a chance that’ll be cast out of Heaven for his disloyalty. Withdrawn from his wings and grace. Being deprived of his angelic powers, and living as a human on Earth. 

Being on the same boat as his older brother Lucifer. 

“You know I’m taking a huge unforgivable risk for you” he tells Mandy. Standing next to her while Joseph does his sermon in the filled church with his brothers and sister behind him.  

“I know” she responds to him in her mind. Looking over at the 3rd Archangel for a split second before turning back to The Father. 

“There’s a risk of me being cast out of Heaven for this disloyalty” he tells her, “God is too busy creating multiple universes and worlds to see this betrayal you, Dawana and myself are planning”. 

She knows all the risks, all God has to do is check on her situation, and see what she’s plotting. Then the next thing she knows there’s a huge mushroom cloud in the sky, and bombs are going off. Killing and wiping out all life on Earth. 

“I know, but a part of me feels like we’ll pull this off” she tells him in her mind, “We’ll get away with this, so called heist”. 

He looks at her with slight fear in his eyes, Archangels are Heaven’s most powerful weapon, they’re loyal soldiers to God. They’re his eldest children. Slightly more powerful than the average Angels, like Castiel, Balthazar, Samandriel, Anael and Gadreel. 

Raphael was always the introverted one of the Archangels, he kept to himself. He did his duties as one of Chuck’s strongest and powerful warriors. He always tried to be one of the loyal ones, like his older brother Michael. He wanted to be on his Father’s good side, the one thing he feared and that includes all Angels. Arch nor not, the one thing they all feared was being cast out of Heaven. Losing their wings and their grace. 

Leaving Heaven for a short time, like visiting Earth, and leaving Heaven completely are two different things. 

Within milliseconds he could go from being Heaven’s most powerful weapon to being an average weak human. Just by taking away his powers and wings. 

*****

After Joseph’s sermon, him and Mandy have a private conversation away from the others. 

“Amanda, I wish to speak with you privately” he tells her. She nods her head, and they go to their shared home. 

Inside the kitchen, he tells her about The Voice, in which she knows that it's Chuck talking to him.

“The Voice, God, he’s telling me about the New World. How everything will be. How you and I will be. He told me that the world is on the brink. That the world is on fire. Something is coming. I can feel it, you can feel it, can’t you?”. 

She nods, “Yes, I feel it. I feel the overwhelming tension it brings. Almost like an explosion of hot, burning air. That is toxic, but will make the world clean and free of sin”. 

He nods his head, agreeing with every word she says, “That is how it ends, with time, we will march to the Gates of Eden to our New World. The world God created for us”. 

Seeing how convinced and determined he is about the New World. Seeing how Chuck has convinced him about the Collapse. The End. The Reckoning. 

Telling him to save as many souls as he can for the Collapse, building bunkers to keep his people safe from the cleansing explosions. Being a modern day Noah, or Hell if you want to hear something that is older than Noah and the Ark. 

The Epic of Gilgamesh in Mesopotamian mythology, and history. Which is also 800-2,000 years older than the story of Noah and the Ark, where the story is basically the exact same thing, just different time periods, while one is based on facts with evidence, and the other is a fictional story from a book of stories. 

*****

With only 5 in half hours until 3am. Mandy gets another visit from Raphael in her home with Joseph. 

“Less than 6 hours Mandeline” he reminds her. She sighs, “I know. I’m just waiting it out”. 

“You know where to go?” he asks. She nods, “Yes, I know where to go. The land that is in the southern part of the Henbane River. It’s isolated from everything”. 

“Prosperity” he tells her, “It’s quiet and no one ever goes there”. 

She nods, “Does Dawana know where it is?”. 

“Yes, she knows where to go” he tells her, “She knows what time to get there. Just before the New Moon passes”. 

Mandy waits it out until 3am. It’s gonna be a long wait, most of the Cult, including Joseph didn’t sleep that night, he was busy working and writing sermons in the church. 

At around 1am, she told Joseph she was gonna go to sleep. An hour and 30 minutes later, Raphael visits her again. Teleporting the both of them to the south end part of the Henbane River. 

Prosperity, a ghost town that was abandoned by its owner so that he could take over his dead rival’s town Falls End in Holland Valley all out of spite. 

20 minutes until 3am, Dawana arrives with her daughter Camille who is a Voodoo Priestess in training. 

“We still have time to set up” Dawana tells Mandy, “This is my daughter Camille”. 

Mandy smiles at her, she’s probably the same age as her eldest daughter Paige. 

They set up their altar, making a circle of candles and lighting all of them. 

“Okay so we all take each other's hands and we say the verse together, in sync or else the spell won’t work” Dawana informs Mandy and her daughter.  

They all join hands, and wait for the New Moon to appear. Raphael stands away from them, watching them from 10 feet away. Hoping this will turn out the way Mandy said it would. As soon as the New Moon appears, as a white ring like shape in the sky, they all, at the same time, cite the verse in Enochian. Looking up at the New Moon. 

“Uranun Caripe Baglen Olgemeganza de-Noan Chiis Gosaa Zamicmage Oleol Ag-Sapah arphe, Oresa ethamz taa”. 

The wind starts to pick up, the candles stay in tack, not blowing out or in the direction of the wind. Still looking up at the moon. 

“Tabegisoroch, Zodinu, Ar zurah paremu. Zodimibe papnorge maninua zonac. Dodsih hoxmarch trian amonons pare Das Niis kures”. 

They finished the ritual, the night standing in complete silence for a brief moment. Standing inside the circle of candles, they ring of the New Moon shining down on them, making a perfect circle of moon light around their circle of lit candles.

“Is that it?” Mandy whispers, breaking the silence. Right after she asks that, a loud rumble is heard off in the distance, sounding like thunder, or the Horn of Gabriel. A lightning strike lights up the sky for a brief moment. 

“It worked” Camille whispers. Out of seemingly nowhere, a strong wind flies by, blowing out all the candles, leaving them in complete darkness.

“Raphael did it work?” Mandy asks the Archangel. 

“Yes, you are invisible to God now” he replies, answering her question.

He takes her back to Joseph's compound, before anyone could notice she was gone. 

Before he leaves, he tells her, “I’ll be sure to keep an eye on you from Heaven. Now that you’re invisible from God, you can work against the Project. Also Chuck won’t be able to see you. He’ll see another you”. 

She nods, “Yeah I believe you told me that already. He’ll see me doing my duties as The Mother”. 

The silence between the two, the sound of peggies talking outside on the compound property. 

“Get some rest, and do your bidding against the Project” he tells her, “I’ll check back on you within the next couple of days”. 

The sound of his wings fluttering, making a small breeze within the house, and he disappears. Leaving Mandy in the small kitchen of her home. 

[scoundrels-in-love]

for the ask meme: 9, 32 & 49 please!

It’s only been 10 days... It’s only a guess which ask game you sent this for...! ^^; (I am basing it on the fact I read the questions and mused about them for this whole time so I am probably right about the game.) @nossbean

9. What are your favorite fanfics?

Oh no. Oh no. I could and should write POSTS upon POSTS about this.

But I haven’t, because I don’t have the energy to. So you get a cheat version of some of my random favorites from my last pages of my AO3 history. And few special shout outs.

@angel-deux-writes Worth is a wholeass gem and I haven’t commented yet, but I binged it basically today (with exception of first chapter) and I can’t stop yelling about it internally, because the way she says things!! She always has some of my favorite Brienne characterization I get so envious over. There is strength and pride in it, and vulnerability and fear and the acknowledgment that her self-loathing is unfounded yet how hard it is to defend yourself, even knowing all that. I could write essays about it and Angel’s stories in general. Anything by her is a treasure trove, truly.

@samirant Rush Me All Night Long is a fascinating concept, so very well executed and absolutely captivating. Makes me go slack-jawed with awe with how seamless it is. And beyond the craftsmanship of the story form itself, the contents are absolutely epic, too. Intrigue, growth of relationship, dash of humor that is right up my alley, lot of good other characters with their wonderful insights... Nothing to add or take away. Just great. And you KNOW you should check rest of her writing out, too. You won’t regret it.

@ajoblotofjunk is back with another subtly, but powerfully in-depth world story with Baby I Will. How many professions has she gotten degree in already? Because the way she weaves art of playing in bars is so organic. And oh, the connection between Jaime and Brienne... Electrifying, a storm that starts as static sparks as they brush past each other. And I can’t wait to watch it grow. (Also shout out to her absolutely beyond epic gift to me, Petrichor. Which is mindblowingly great and written at haste I cannot comprehend. It couldn’t be more tailored to me and I tear up just thinking about it.)

LadyRhiyana’s Stray Sparks II is the perfect example why I tell someone at least once a week “I wish I could LadyRhiyana this”. Her absolutely amazing skill to capture a whole setting, a whole world of emotions in sometimes as few as 5 to 10 sentences (and not the 30 word sort!) is just... Mesmerizing. I admire it so much and am typically absolutely enamored by her stories. Crossover is also in my history and I am absolutely head-over-heels for it.

@kurikaesu-haru Thirsty is the most endearing, captivating way to combine the two meanings of the word and I adore it to pieces. It’s fun and emotional and hot, and everything it could possibly need to be and then some, in best way possible. And her works contain more and more of gold mines, truly.

@firesign23 is a treasure, to this fandom and to me in particular, for many reasons. But her skill to devastate me with short stories is truly something else.  Odd Socks (link to one of my favorite of the lot, but do give them all a read if you haven’t!) is what I have in my history, but I rec her as a writer 1000%. Her prompt fills are always poignant and not shy of ache and I can only marvel at them all. But also how could I miss out on mentioning her two breathtaking recent stories for fic exchange? Hold Steady is a Journey without ever leaving Winterfell, but the miles traveled by weary, worried, longing hearts in it... Oof. And, of course, I have to mention by hearts and hands made fast because it’s for me and it made me cry real tears more than once (!) and actually yell in real life, like no other story. Real and complicated as the characters deserve to be told, painful and comforting, absolutely breathtaking in the prose... I could rant for days, truly. And truly, wherever you look at her work, you’ll find more of it.

@aviss Skin Deep is just gem, gem, gem. Am I biased because she wrote for me, in a sense? Maybe. But she ACED it in ways I can barely comprehend. Everything I could wish for in the concept is there and more. Sweet pining, absolute besottery and realistic realizations and then hot, earnest resolutions... What a gem. As is rest of her works, really!

32. Past or present tense? 

I used to be such a past tense snob. Nothing else for me, no sir. But now I write almost exclusively in present tense. I can’t tell when the shift happened, I think when I was 20 or few years older than that, and I don’t know why, I think I read a good fic, like really good one, and also was trying to bypass my writer’s block by switching it up. And I found a certain freedom in it. A sense that it makes sense for me to go deeper, to be in present turmoil and wax poetics about it for few paragraphs. Because it’s currently happening, instead of retelling if something that has been. It freed me more in past tense, too, though.

It’s odd I don’t remember how and why the shift happened, almost makes me feel sad.

Nowadays I mostly write in past tense because I get too caught up in flashback sort of sequences and can’t make it grammatically correct anymore so I switch everything to past tense. Tomorrow (with you) is prime example.

49. Where do you draw inspiration from? 

Anything. The other day, I was bitterly laughing with a friend I could write a piece about stain on floor, create whole 1-3k word story about someone thinking about the stain, etc. Doesn’t matter if it has funny shape or not, known origin or not.

Most often, though, it’s prompts, it’s song lyrics, it’s some kind of thought/belief I have for character that I want to express/see them through some kind of event in way I think they would. Sometimes, it’s specific setting or watching something. Like, there was one (1) almost head-kiss in a kdrama with secret identities and I created a whole 10k word worth story idea off of it... Sometimes, it’s honestly even just a dumb, dumb post. But yes, music/feelings/prompts, I’d say are the main thing.

And as for inspiration drawn for writing itself... That’s a difficult question for me, right now. In kindest, non-rambly way I’d probably say what other people have lived and written.

Send me fanfic question?<3

[not-poignant]

Hey Pia!! I saw the ask about how you’re planning on rewriting Game Theory. I was wondering, what would you change about it? What makes you want to rewrite it? :) I absolutely adore the ending of it and was curious if you would change that around at all too. I hope you’re having a lovely day!

Hi hi!

Okay so, hmm, the things that Game Theory needs is pretty long, but here’s the overall list:

* Tightening of the prose and removal of too many repetitive themes. This will probably clear about 15,000 words off the bat.

* Removal of all references to Pitch and Jack, and therefore full integration with Terho and the Nightingale into the story, including probably a couple of scenes with Terho. Removal of the concept of ‘centres’ and introducing the concept of heartsongs-as-soul.

* Removal of the corporal punishment scene with Augus and Gwyn because it’s just too OOC.

* Removal of the masturbation scene between Augus and Gwyn early on because even though it worked at the time, it’s been thoroughly retconned not only in Game Theory, but in the rest of the canon, and it’s now wholly OOC.

* Establishment of the fact that other people were encouraging Gwyn to sexually assault / rape Augus to bring him under control, and an earlier establishment of Crielle as an influential character and Efnisien as well, which means more scenes with them.

* A more clear establishment of Augus’ crimes, which will probably mean some scenes where Gwyn visits blighted land and ‘shows’ that destruction. Or visits a grave site or something.

* The plot where Efnisien and Crielle are planning to make Gwyn kill Augus in the Wild Hunt needs to be clearer.

* It would be really good if we could see a Wild Hunt, even in a nostalgic flashback, in part to make its loss in The Court of Five Thrones a clearer tragedy (because it’s only really a felt tragedy for the majority of people who had experienced a positive Wild Hunt in Shadows and Light).

* Either remove the fact that Augus and Gwyn met as children (and Gwyn forgot), or make it a lot clearer that they knew each other while young and had an uneasy connection to one another, with a couple more scenes.

* Fixing up some of the continuity errors that have accrued over time (some of these I have actually fixed already!)

* Pull forward Gwyn’s paradigm shift from captor to captive, I honestly think it just takes us too long to get to, and it’s the first 10 chapters of the book that are likely to lose most of the readers. Reading on from Shadows and Light, it makes sense, but starting fresh with no awareness of Augus’ actions towards Jack (which obviously won’t exist in a rewrite) turns it more into tortureporn, and even I skip some of those chapters, which is a sign that there’s too many of them.

* Putting in ‘conclusions’ fitting of a trilogy, so that even if Game Theory stays a whole work on AO3, I can potentially publish it as a trilogy work (it’s too long to publish as one book on most POD/Print on Demand sites).

***

That’s probably a good start, but I have an official list somewhere which has about 20 dot points. I mean obviously I want to keep all the hurt/comfort, I want to keep Augus being an asshole and Gwyn being, well, Gwyn. But the story needs to basically do a better job of explaining fae, Seelie and Unseelie, and doing some of the initial legwork that I did in Shadows and Light and therefore skipped in Game Theory. Obviously it can be picked up if you’ve never read Shadows and Light, I’d just like if there were some clearer sections in there, and a bit more exposition on Augus’ history in particular, even if it was a reading out of his crimes at the Display (such as how many people had died directly or indirectly by his hand etc.).

Because Game Theory is essentially a trilogy, so editing it isn’t editing ‘one book’ that’s broken, it’s editing three books. And the structure of the story needs work, which is a lengthier process to fix (along with adding and removing scenes) than just say...tightening the prose, which usually only takes me a few months. (I did this with Shadows and Light, most people don’t know this, but I edited about 15,000 words out of Shadows and Light, so the version people have been reading in the last three years is different and ‘cleaner’ than the original version. 

After Game Theory, I became a lot more concerned with plotting and chapter plans actually to avoid having to do something this unwieldy/weighty again. And as a result, I think all my writing afterwards is a lot cleaner overall. Like don’t get me wrong, Game Theory has some of my favourite writing, and some of my favourite scenes, but for newcomers it lacks context, exposition and worldbuilding, and the pacing is off. But the later stories don’t need (in my opinion) massive structural changes or the removal of more than one chapter to bring it into line!

So yeah :D That’s where I’m at with Game Theory. It’s my problem child, but I love it.

(Also, it’s been suggested to me by my cover artist that I should change the title, because the title doesn’t actually scream epic erotic fantasy, but after some thought I’ve decided not to).

[hufflautia]

Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know 

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them.  my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help. 

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

[flameandshadows]

The Research Paper ✎

Chapter: The Final Stretch

Word Count: 2.7k

Warnings: I think theres one curse word, procrastination, panicking, crying, cute Bucky, getting distracted.

A/N: Wow, heres the second chapter of my secret Santa fic! This started as just a fun little story to write, and now its turned into a multi chapter story that I'm having a great time writing, and people are actually liking it? Amazing! This chapter may be a little choppy because of the small time jumps, but I hope its not too bad. Also, I feel like there may not be enough Bucky, if you want more, please let me know! :) thank you all again for reading and sharing your thoughts, I love you all 💖

Series Masterlist

On the first night they met, they set up the details and Y/N gave Bucky the rundown on the assignment. In two weeks, the Friday night before finals week, she has to have a 20 page research paper finished and turned in. It was supposed to be focused on World War 2, she decided to focus on the effects that World War 2 had on the economy and workforce, absolutely the most boring topic she could have chosen. But when you’re faced with a deadline speeding at you full force, you panic and make bad decisions.

After airing all of the unfortunate details of this huge project she’s throwing onto him, he stares at her. He’s got this zoned out look to him, and she’s worried he either wasn’t paying attention, or is thinking of all the ways he can kill Steve for asking this of him.

Suddenly, he gets up. Looks around, and walks away.

‘Oh my god’ y/n thinks to herself. ‘He’s really just up and left. Of course he wouldn’t want to help me with this. I mean, I’m asking for 8 hours of his week, he’s not getting paid, he'd have to help me with a basically impossible task, he'd even have to be spend time with me. God now I have no idea what I’m going to do, I’m gonna fail, and flunk out of college, and have to move home with my parents, and live there forever, and end up dying alo-‘

Her spiraling thoughts were interrupted by Bucky coming back with an overwhelmingly large stack of books. He slams them on the table and gives her a proud smile, unaware of her internal meltdown just seconds before.

“Okay, so here are some books that I know will help us with this. This one is about the rise of Market Competition since World War Two, this one is about the globalization of the world economy, this one is about…”

As Bucky continues to talk about all of his findings she can’t help but to focus on him and not his words. She notices how excited he gets when talking about history, how much knowledge he holds not only about these books themselves but the general subject as a whole. And don’t even get her started about how well he must know the library to know exactly where to go. She focuses in on the sparkle in his eyes, the way the lines coming from the corners only grow as he continues to smile about what he knows. Her eyes move down his smile, the way his pink lips perfectly frame his perfect teeth, lips that look so-

“Does that sound okay?” Bucky asks her, looking at her and waiting for an answer.

The pause in him talking and the feel of his stare pulls him out of her wandering thoughts. It quickly runs through her mind that she really needs to get her brain together and focus more, this is the second time she’s done this in like 10 minutes. And then she realizes she has no idea what he just told her.

“I’m sorry can you repeat that?” She inquired, hoping with all of her might that he doesn’t think she’s past the point of helping.

“I was asking if you’d be able to read at least a skim some of these before we meet tomorrow? Just so you can have a small foundation before we get into the fine details of the books later.” He repeats himself.

“Of course, thank you again James. I can’t even begin to explain how much you are saving me. Really, I wouldn’t even know where to start if it wasn’t for your help.” She tells him genuinely, picking up the books, and putting some in her bag.

“Please, call me Bucky. And it’s no problem. Any time I get to talk about history and have people actually listen is a good time to me.” He reassures her gently.

“Bucky,” she says the name and smiles “I like that. Thank you again, I’ll see you tomorrow night. I’ll read as much of these as I can.”

As she walks away, she peeks one last look over her shoulder at Bucky, both giving each other shy smiles.

After one official meeting, their relationship entered a new stage. Under the pretense of “if you have any questions during the times we’re not together, go ahead and text me..” they exchanged numbers. Bucky's heart was racing for about an hour after he asked successfully without stuttering. Steve would be so proud.

She would text him when she was on her way, or ask if he wanted anything extra from the coffee shop, saying that just a black coffee is gross and he MUST have something to counterbalance the dirt. He would ask her to text when she got home safely, worrying about her walking home in the dark. It was nice. It was becoming a routine neither want to end.

Then, after two more meetings, worried about her progress, and only having about a week left, he suggests meeting every day. Not at the same set times, just whenever they can, in order to make sure she gets the best grade possible. Which is what he convinces himself is why he asks, it’s not that he wants to see her more. Absolutely not. Well… maybe just a little.

The first day of their new schedule they meet at a different time. They both have a break in their classes and work, and they decide to meet in the quad. It’s a nice day out, and according to her, she won’t be able to spend every day in the library without feeling restless.

While waiting at an empty bench, Bucky sees Y/N walk across the lawn. She’s practically being haloed by the sun, Bucky thinks it’s cliche to say she looks kind of ethereal…but it’s not a wrong statement. And he looks a bit further down to see surprisingly that in her hand she carries two bags of food. When she finally reaches him and sets one down in front of him, he thinks he might have fallen in love right then and there.

With that bag of food, a new tradition is created for the next week. Every day, at whatever time of day they can, when they meet, one of them brings food. They both try to convince themselves it strictly a study date, and they both try not to focus too hard on the word “date”.

The fastest way to the heart is through the stomach they say.

It’s 3 days before the paper is due, and Y/N is losing concentration, motivation, and most importantly the ability to not be distracted by the enigma that is Bucky Barnes.

They’re in the library, books sprawled out in front of them. Y/N is typing, while Bucky looks over her notes, making sure what she’s saying is accurate. They sit in a comfortable silence until...

“Alright, I’m done for the night, my ability to withhold anymore information is gone.” Y/N states as she frantically shuts her laptop. Leaning on the table to focus on Bucky.

“Y/N… it’s been 20 minutes.” Bucky chides

“Exactly! Too long, tell me about yourself?”

“Y/N, I really want you to get a good grade on this. My reputation is on the line too you know?” He smirks at her.

She sighs “...fine, how about an hour in, we take a break and you answer my questions!” She tries to bargain.

“You know pretty much everything. You always ask me questions when you’re bored. Besides, there’s not much to know, I’m boring anyways.” He says, getting quieter towards the end.

She stares at him for a second, feeling a small pinch in her heart hearing him say that, “You’re not boring, I think you’re really interesting Bucky. Coolest guy I’ve ever been lucky enough to meet.” She says with a small smile.

Bucky blushes and looks away, “yeah, yeah, just get back to work. No need to butter me up, I’m already helping you.” He jokes, but she can still see the dorky smile he’s trying to hide. He’s not as stealthy as he thinks.

It’s 1 day before the paper is due and Y/N is stressed out. It’s one of those times where the full weight of the situation doesn’t hit you until it’s too late. This is her last year, and if she doesn’t pass this class? She’s screwed. She’s scared. She’s terrified that her lack of planning will lead to her academic downfall. Being one step away from full blown panic, she goes to the person she trusts most. And right now? That’s Bucky. Her knight in shining history books.

She knows he’s working, but she can’t help it. She needs him.

Walking into the library, she sees him. Sitting there, reading at his desk, looking as calm as she’s ever seen him. And she realizes that all she’s done in the past two weeks is stress him out, she can’t do it again, not now. Not when he looks like that, She’s ready to turn around and go have a good cry at home, it helps...honestly, when the man of the hour looks up.

Bucky smiles at her, excited to see her again, when he notices the tears in her eyes. He gets up immediately and walks around his desk to reach her.

When he puts his hands on her shoulders, she breaks. It’s like every mental wall she’s out up to stop herself from losing it just vanishes. She leans into his chest, with her hands covering her face, and he wraps his arms around her and pulls her behind his desk to set her in his chair. While kneeling in front of her, he takes her hands in his, and urges her to look at him

“Hey, sweetheart, what’s wrong. You gotta tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.” He pleads, hating seeing her like this.

“I can’t do it Bucky. It’s too much, it’s never gonna get done, and I can’t do it. I’m just not capable! Even with your help there’s no way I can be saved. I’m hopeless.” She cried through hiccups.

His heart hurt for her. In these past weeks he’s gotten to know her well, he knows how much she cares about her school, and he knows how much this project is worth. He’s not letting this get the best of her. Over his dead body.

“Hey, now you listen to me. You are not hopeless, you are one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, and this paper is not gonna bring you down. We’re almost done, all we need to do is edit and finalize it. That’s it. We have a little over 24 hours, that is completely doable. Don’t doubt yourself. You can do this.” He says while running his thumb over her knuckles soothingly “I’ll tell you what. I get off in 20 minutes, and I don’t have classes tomorrow, so let’s sit down and just blow through this editing. We can knock it out tonight, however long it takes, and then you won’t have to worry about it anymore.”

“I can’t ask you to do that Bucky, it’s not fair to ask even more of you.” She says softly.

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re not asking. Now, I don’t know why you’re sitting there, you still haven’t gotten our ceremonial coffee, and we’re definitely going to need it tonight.” He says with a wink, while walking away to finish all he needs to do before clocking out.

She stands there for a second, smiling to herself, wondering how she got so lucky to be able to know a guy like Bucky Barnes. She needs to thank Steve.

It’s late into the night, morning technically, and the duo are I the 24 hour study room. They’re not alone, there are many other students considering it’s right before finals week. But somehow, in their little corner with coffee, snacks, and a big blanket from Y/Ns car, it feels like they’re the only ones around.

They both have their laptops open, and are going the the document paragraph by paragraph, editing, rewriting, and making sure it flows.

Bucky looks over, getting ready to ask if the sentence should contain a semicolon or a comma when he sees her, cheek against the table, sleeping like she has no care in the world.

He should be mad, irritated that she isn’t up and working like he is. But all he can think is that she looks so beautiful when she’s sleeping. He wonders if they had more time, if they would end up sleeping together…IN A BED, he yells at himself internally. He’s glad she’s not awake, or else she’d see the blush rise on his face, and she wouldn’t let it go unless she knew why it was there.

After staring at her for a few moments longer, trying to memorize her features, he decides to keep working. He’ll work through the night any day if it kept her happy and stress free. It’s only a small price to pay to see her smile.

So he straightens up, steals her coffee, and gets to work. She’s gonna get this A if it kills him.

At 5:37 am Bucky is finished. He’s read that paper at least 3 times, and it’s the best he can get it to be. He hopes that’s enough.

He taps Y/Ns shoulder, and she wakes with a start.

“Wha-what’s up, sorry, fell asleep there for a second. Sorry.” She mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

“Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. But it’s finished, your paper is officially ready to be turned in.” He says to her with a proud, albeit sleepy smile.

She stares at him in shock “h-how long was I asleep? Bucky you should have woken me up! I feel terrible now!” She exclaims, panicking about him doing so much work while she slept.

“Hey,” he puts his hand on her arm reassuringly, “it’s okay, I chose to do this, and it wasn’t even that much work. All it was, was editing. Besides, you need sleep more than I do. Now, no more apologies, no more feeling bad, let’s turn this baby in and go home and get some real sleep!”

She smiles so large, he can feel it in his own cheeks, and in that moment he knew it was worth it. To see her smile like that, he’d make the same decision every day of his life.

She goes onto her submission portal, drops the file, and presses submit. They both breath a huge sigh of relief. It’s done. Now they can focus on their other classes. Now, now they don’t have to hang out every day. Both deflate a little at the thought.

As she packs up she says, “Thank you so much for helping me Bucky. I owe you so much, I wouldn’t have been able to get this done without you, not by a long shot.”

“You would have been able to do it no problem, you’re not giving yourself enough credit. I just have reassurance, you did all of the work.” He says with a smile as they come to a stop at the door.

As they stand there staring at each other, she takes a deep breath, steeling herself for the next sentence she doesn’t want to say. “Well, thank you again Bucky. You can’t convince me that you didn’t save me… I guess this is it. I won’t need to bother you every day anymore.” She says with a sad smile.

“What if I like you bothering me every day?” He mumbles while looking anywhere but her.

“Well, then expect to see me here Monday on your lunch break, I need someone to make me study for all of my other finals.” She smiles, trying to keep her smile from taking up her whole face, but failing miserably.

“Goodbye Y/N.” He says with a laugh while walking out the door. Smiling like an idiot. He can’t wait for Monday. 

A/N: Thank you all for reading!! This is going to have about 2-3 more chapters, and in that time we will learn a little more about Bucky, and maybe even see some....angst? we shall see!

Tags: @bucky-smiles @thebookwormslytherin @rogvewitch​ @itsametaphorbriansblog​ @93generation​

[littlespoonevan]

OTP Tag

I was tagged by @whaticameherefor, thank you!! <3

Let’s go chronological order with the Real otps and then add whoever else i can think of lmao. Putting some of this under a cut bc it got long!

Stiles Stilinski/Derek Hale (Teen Wolf)

Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard (All For the Game)

Isak Valtersen/Even Bech Naesheim (Skam)

Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich (Shameless)

Nick Miller/Jessica Day (New Girl)

Allison Argent/Scott McCall (Teen Wolf)

Otis Milburn/Maeve Wiley (Sex Education)

David Rose/Patrick Brewer (Schitt’s Creek)

Alexis Rose/Ted Mullins (Schitt’s Creek)

Eva Mohn/Jonas Noah Vasquez

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

Oh man, I mean I shipped them from the beginning but episode 5 “The Tell” was sort of my holy grail episode in terms of content for scallison and thus, when i fell in love. Also special shoutout to the scene in “Heart Monitor” when Allison holds Scott’s hand under the table and it helps keep him in control and we find out she’s his anchor. I devoted my whole heart then and there <3

2. Have you ever read a fanfic about 2?

Yes, extensively lmao

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr screen saver?

Haha nah, i’m not really an “otp as my screensaver” sort of person.

4. If 7 were to suddenly break up today, what would your reaction be?

Well I mean everyone seems to be doing their damndest to keep them apart in the first place so i need them to actually get together first sakdjfhksa but yeah, let’s just say my response to the season 2 finale was “oh nooooooooo” which basically answers this question lol.

5. Why is 1 so important?

Ugh, because. Their dynamic was so, so good and it came out of Nowhere. Like it was one of those relationships that sort of sneaks up on you like, holy shit these two bounce off each other really well????? And the dichotomy of them shit-talking each other All The Time but then continually sacrificing themselves for one another and taking turns saving each other’s lives was so fascinating to watch. Especially as the shit-talking became decidedly more fond as the seasons went on and you realised they’d genuinely started to care for each other. We could’ve had it all and I’m still bitter lmao.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

Definitely funny but in their moments of sincerity were so incredibly sweet <3

7. Out of all the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

Oooooh this is hard sakdjhsjh I mean, I ship them all because I feel like they have chemistry and each relationship is different. I think I’ll say the skam ships just bc isak/even and eva/jonas legitimately felt like real couples to me? like if you told either pairing was together irl I’d believe you, y’know? (there’s 3 or 4 others that are strong contenders though!!!)

8. Out of all your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond?

Oof. Again, this is really hard. I’m inclined to say Ian/Mickey bc I think they have the longest history of any of the ships I’ve listed here and it just runs so deep, y’know? Like to quote mickey, they’re under each other’s skin. So in that regard, I think they’d have the strongest bond. (The same could sort of be said for andrew/neil in terms of what they’ve gone through together too though) But I feel like nick and jess have an amazing bond too in the sense that they really, really are best friends beneath everything and you can See that in the way they love each other. 

9. How many times have you read/watched the 10’s fandom?

Oh my god i have no idea. I’ve definitely rewatched all of skam once (possibly twice?) but I’ve rewatched individual clips/episodes a million times over. The morning the 8.10 kitchen scene came out i just stayed in bed for like 3 hours rewatching it over and over again askdjhcs That’s kind of the beauty of the clip format though in terms of rewatching favourite scenes :’)

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

Okay I’m assuming this means like, stayed together the longest? In which case that goes to Ian and Mickey again, I believe (or Nick and Jess if you include the 3 year time jump)

11. How many times, if ever, has 6 broken up?

Once and I’m Still angry lmao

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

Oh my god 2 lmfao i love david and patrick but i’m p sure andrew and neil were built for a zombie apocalypse sadjhasjh

13. Did 7 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason?

Mm they’ve sort of hid their feelings for each other???? Like obviously not just from each other but also from other people like Ola etc

14. Is 4 still together?

Yep and happily married :D

15. Is 10 canon?

YES. Thank you Julie Andem and Marlon Langland!!!!

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

Jfc. It’d be a toss up between Andrew/Neil, Stiles/Derek and Ian/Mickey

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 5’s ship?

Yes, Schmidt did for like one ep and it was hilarious but also ended in Nick telling Jess how he feels :’))))))

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

All of them tbh. I care about Otis/Maeve and Alexis/Ted slightly less but the other 8 are some forever otps 

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 3’s tumblr page?

I did back in the day for like 2 years straight lol

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

asdkjfhdsa ok i’m gonna say Alexis and Ted but jUST BECAUSE they already ended their relationship themselves and i’m content w the ending even if i desperately hope they’ll reunite some day down the line. The others I simply cannot compromise on 

I’m gonna tag @thisfeebleheart, @himick, @smores100 and @happyminyards

[uncensored-aj]

It: The musical track list concept. By Me.

Act 1

1: Georgie, Meet Pennywise (3:40) (Georgie, Pennywise)

This song starts off playful, with Georgie skipping and running after his boat while explaining who he is, and soon Pennywise takes over, giving the song a more eerie tone as it progresses.

2. Meet the Losers (6:20) (Bill, Richie, Eddie, Mike, Ben, Stan, Bev)

This song has the losers introduce us to who they are, and has a sarcastic yet fun tone throughout while explaining Derry as a whole. Also mentions how kids dissapear way too often.

3. Psychotic and loving it (3:12) (Henry Bowers, Patrick Hockstetter, Victor Criss, Belch Huggins)

This song is absolutely hilarious, introducing us to the Bowers gang, and showing them bullying the Losers while having sinister undertones.

4. What are you afraid of?: Bill (2:00) (Bill, Georgie)

This song is the first of a brief series, all having the same melody, showing us what each loser is afraid of. This version takes place in Bill’s basement (“You’ll float too.” Scene)

5. What are you afraid of?: Richie (2:00) (Richie, Pennywise)

This song introduces us to Pennywise’s motivations and the fact that he feeds on fear, while giving us a brief Richie one-liner.

6. What are you afraid of?: Eds (2:00) (Eddie, Sonia, Leper, Pennywise)

This establishes that Eddie sees IT in the form of the Leper, who has an on-stage costume change, ripping his dirty clothes off to reveal Pennywise’s clown costume. Also briefly shows how his mother is overbearing.

7. What are you afraid of?: Stan (2:00) (Stan, Flute lady, Rabbi/Stan’s father)

In this song, we are given more information on Stan’s father and the fact that he is Jewish. We also get a small tidbit that Stan just wants to study birds.

8. What are you afraid of?: Mike (2:00) (Mike, Mike’s Parents)

Mike gives us the story of his parents dying, showing his trauma and fear of the memories.

9. What are you afraid of?: Ben (2:00) (Ben, Easter fire victims)

Ben is established as a history buff, and is taunted by what he saw in an old Derry history book.

10. What are you afraid of?: Bev (3:15) (Bev, Mr. Marsh, Pennywise)

We’re shown how Bev’s father is abusive, and at the end Bev is kidnapped by Pennywise.

11. Guess What? You’re gonna die. (2:12) (Henry, Belch, Victor)

Brief break from the losers to show that the summer is passing, and to show how Henry is going insane, killing his two friends. There is a brief mention of Hockstetter dissapearing.

12. January Embers/Save Bev (2:45) (Ben, Bev/Losers)

This song establishes Ben’s love for Bev, and shows the losers going to save her. Lyrics are briefly taken from the “January Embers” poem he wrote her.

13. Kill them all. (2:30) (Henry, Losers, Ensemble)

Gives us a full on Crazy Henry Bowrs, who is attempting to kill the losers. All throughout the song, the Ensemble of dead kids is whispering to “Kill them all.”

14. Kill this Fuckin’ Clown (6:30) (Losers, Pennywise)

BATTLE SONG. The losers have charged into Neibolt, ready to kick some clown ass. The song begins with Richie’s famous “Lets kill this Fuckin’ Clown” speech. Pennywise frantically attempts to use their fears against them, while all the while getting beat the fuck up. He obviously loses.

15. Oath (1:27) (Losers)

Bill asks the losers to make an oath to come back if Pennywise comes back. (Stanly sings a brief lyric from a song later in the show, “I swear Bill.”)

Act 2

1: Good morning, I’m hungry. (3:45) (Pennywise, Ensemble)

Absolute chaos in a song. Basically Pennywise goes “WOW that was a good nap, lets eat some people.” And he DOES.

2. 27 years later (2:50) (Mike Hanlon)

Mike realizes that IT is back, and struggles with what he needs to do.

3. Six phone calls (5:32) (Losers)

Goes through each loser, showing their lives briefly as they get the call to come home from Mike.

4. Stan’s Soliloquy/ “I swear, Bill”)(2:15) (Stan Uris)

This is EXACTLY what you think it is. And YES, it IS sad as fuck.

5. Back in Derry/ Remember (4:40) (Mike, Bev, Richie, Eddie, Bill, Ben)

Shows the losers reuniting as Mike tells them how they can defeat Pennywise.

6. Daddy’s little girl/ Close your eyes, Bev (3:32) (Bev, Ms. Kersh, Bob Gray/Pennywise)

Bev returns to her former home, and is greeted by Ms. Kersh, who gets all creepy and eventually Bev is chased into the room with Bob Gray, and it plays out the same, but in song form.

7. Dirty little secret (4:20) (Richie, Pennywise, Ensemble)

The same “Dirty Little Secret” from Chapter 2, but extended to make it more blatant and impactful, adding an ensemble to the chorus.

8. Psychotic and loving it: Reprise AKA The untimely demise of Henry Bowers (3:29) (Henry, Eddie, Richie)

Gives us the scene where Eds gets stabbed in the face, but this time Richie IMMEDIATELY kills Henry.

9. Back in the sewers (5:50) (Losers)

The losers come together, marching into the sewers just as before. “For Georgie.” “For Stan.” “For Derry!”

10. What are you afraid of?: Reprise (4:00) (Losers, Pennywise)

The losers finnaly fight Pennywise, taunting him with the same melody that went with their respective versions of “What are you afraid of” as they Kill him. For good this time.

11. Dirty little secret: Reprise/ Don’t call me Eds (2:35) (Richie, Eddie)

Oh? “Dirty little secret” is a funny song? HAHAHA NOT ANYMORE IT IS S A D NOW. The lyrics are changed, and the melody is slowed, but as Eddie is lying there on the ground, bleeding out, Richie confesses that “Eds..I have a secret...a dirty little secret.” But Eddie cuts him off by hugging him and laughing, making a “Your mom” joke and going “Don’t call me Eds.”

Then the sad things happen.

12. Finale/ Stan’s letter (5:27) (Losers, Georgie)

I am picturing this song as “Losers” by Chosen Jacobs, but slowed down. And between each line is a pause, where The losers, young and old, read a line of Stan’s letter.

Ex:

Mike: You walk through this world, you feel alone...

Stan: Dear Losers... I know what this may seem like... But this isn’t a suicide note.

Mike: Pain and fear is all you’ve known...

Stan: You’re probably wondering why I did what I did...

And You get the point.

BUT at the end, when young stan Says “We’re losers. And we always will be.” The song shifts to one of Triumph, and all of the losers, young and adult, sing together and the curtain closes, End of show.

[something-tofightfor]

2019 writing recap!

I’ve seen a couple of people do this, and it seems like a fun way to go back through what I’ve done this past year in terms of writing + give some recognition to the other talented people in this fandom.  

Answers under the cut because it’s long! (Everything is linked because SCREW YOU TUMBLR)

favorite fic you wrote this year: I have two favorites. 

1. Neon Lights, which started out as a prompt request based on a song, and has spawned 100,000 words via the stories, the HCs and the random character asks… and has given me a much better understanding of Ryan Brenner as a character. 

2. You’re all going to be super surprised at this…. But it’s Here Comes the Sun, because it gave me a chance to write Logan in a VERY different way than I did with Tonight… and seeing him wholly happy is so nice.

least favorite fic you wrote this year: The First of Many, which was my one foray into writing for Frank/Karen… and I killed Billy in it, so that was a disaster. 

favorite line/scene you wrote this year: A few of the ones that stick out to me: 

 Neon Lights, chapter 4:   “Hey, I’m listening to what you’re sayin’, but if it’s alright, I’m gonna kiss you now.” The words were quiet, his voice a little hoarse. Yes, God, yes. You reached up with the arm that he wasn’t holding on to and touched his hair while you nodded, and then his lips met yours. You sighed into the kiss, and unless you were imagining things, he did too. It was brief, but when he pulled away he was smiling. “I’ve wanted to do that since yesterday.”

Take a Sip, part 2: “Caspian?” You met his eyes and he saw that you were trying to hold it together. “Will you help me get this dress off, please?” He moved quickly, pulling you to your feet and unlacing the front of your dress, fingers shaking as he untied the strings. His hands moving to your shoulders, he squeezed them before turning you gently around, undoing the buttons on the back of your dress - so much like he had the first night he’d ever touched you, the dress falling to your waist and then to the floor, revealing a shift beneath it. “Thank you, my King.” 

He heard the tears in your voice and blinked back his own as he lowered his head, pressing his lips to the bare skin of one shoulder and then the other, fingers gathering your hair to lift it and expose more of you to him. But you didn’t let him linger as you turned, giving him a small smile as you reached forward, pushing the jacket off of his shoulders and waiting until he’d shrugged it off before moving to help him remove his vest. Neither of you spoke, but he knew what you were thinking - that it could be the last time you touched each other, the last time…

Remember What You Told Me, part 2: When Logan and Reader confront William in the bar... it was so damn satisfying. 

He’s Not Here (Interlude): History: This was such a fun scenario to write because... why would Billy ever think that someone would need him to take care of them when they’re sick? I loved exploring this side of him, and helping him learn that it was OK to open up. 

total number of words you wrote this year: Based on adding up everything on my Masterlist pages + including the word count of the HNH file… 620,000 words… and that doesn’t include anything that I’ve got a few paragraphs of in WiP files, the HCs or the character asks that I’ve done. 

That’s …. 1557 pages in a typical novel…. So basically, because I love writing, I wrote FIFTEEN HUNDRED PAGES WORTH OF WORDS. Yikes. 

most popular fic this year: People have really seemed to connect with He’s Not Here, and that makes sense, because it’s my longest running series and Billy’s... been given a chance to be different, which is always nice to write and read about. 

Exit Row was also super popular. 

But the most popular single post of 2019 for me? Billy Russo’s NSFW alphabet. 

least popular fic this year: Tonight, which disappoints me, because I love it. I get that it’s a little dark, but... it was necessary, because Logan’s not perfect. 

And Neon Lights/Just a Place… which is super disappointing, because it’s Ryan and everyone should love him. 

longest completed fic you wrote this year: Neon Lights ended up being 60,000 words. 

shortest completed fic you wrote this year: All of the drabbles that I wrote in March are super short (I think they averaged about 700 words) … but I think that “On the Spot” is the shortest thing I’ve ever written at 500 words EXACTLY. 

longest wip of the year: He’s Not Here… which is currently (after 20 chapters) at 82,000+ words - for the main story. 

shortest wip of the year: Hmm… I’m thinking that this is PROBABLY the second part of Ink, which has been sitting in my WiP folder since September, and is only about 200 words long right now. 

favorite character to write about this year: This is a very unfair question, because I love all of my characters and stories, but...I honestly, (and this will come as no surprise) loved writing Logan the most in all forms. There’s so much that can be done with his character, and exploring it has been a LOT of fun for me. 

favorite writing song/artist/album of this year: I wrote  LOT while listening to the “Feeding the Wolves” album by 10 Years (it’s GREAT for Billy). I also think that I wrote almost all of Neon Lights while listening almost exclusively to acoustic guitar covers of songs that had NOTHING to do with the story.  

a fic you didn’t expect to write: I never thought I’d write Caspian, and here we are, 6 chapters later + a follow up with His Favorite Place.

fic(s) you completed this year:  I don’t even know, it’s got to be close to 40, maybe more with all of the prompt requests and all that. It doesn’t seem like that many, but I just scrolled through my masterlist, so I guess it must be. 

fics you’ll continue next year: Just a Place. He’s Not Here. Here Comes the Suniverse. Ben/Reader Exit Row universe… so many.  

current number of wips: Too many. At least 15. It’s insane. 

any new fics to start next year: There’s one for sure that I want  to write ASAP because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for like a solid week and a half. 

most memorable comment/review: I love each and every single one of you that takes the time to comment - or even to message me and keysmash - but I think that the handwritten comments from @its-my-little-dumpster-fire and @the-blind-assassin-12 are some of my favorites (and I’m sure those of you that have also received them will agree) .... it’s just overwhelming to me. And so is hearing that I overwhelmed you, or made you smile, or that you felt like you were IN the story. I am shit at replying to every single comment, but I try my best, and I can’t thank you enough for all of your kind words and encouragement. 

events you participated in this year: I participated in zero events aside from the ones that I set up for myself when I asked people for requests. 

fics you wanted to write but didn’t: There’s  Logan story that I’ve been sitting on since last December (I remember wrapping presents and contemplating it) … there’s a Logan one shot that I want to write and don’t want to write at the same time. I have a Caspian story that is ITCHING to be written, and might be one of the first things I write in 2020. 

favorite fic you read this year: 

Death of a Bachelor by @delos-mio: Logan Delos X Reader ... and it’s a RIDE.I vividly remember pulling my phone out in between bands at a concert to read the most recent chapter and I can’t wait for her to finish it 

With Courage by @halfwit-halfblood : Caspian x OC, and it features one of the strongest and most relatable OCs that I have ever read in my life. I am absolutely sucked in every new chapter. 

By Design by @luminex3: Billy Russo x Reader... and it’s literally everything that I could ever ask for in a non-canon Billy, because he’s still Billy, but he’s much less of an idiot than the REAL Billy. And her details? The dedication to her characters? It was BEAUTIFUL. 

... there were so many others, if you want more suggestions, please feel free to ask, because I have so many favorites. 

a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read:

‘Deed I Do by @its-my-little-dumpster-fire: John Whittaker x Reader .... and it’s PERFECT. And it’s spawned so many fun companion pieces. (PARTICULARLY ‘My Private Affair’... which literally KILLED ME. 

Oblivion by @the-blind-assassin-12: Logan Delos x Reader... and it’s a lot to handle, but it shows just how strong Logan could truly be if he was given the chance/motivation

A Familiar Face by @illshowyourhurricanes/ @suchatinyinfinity: Ryan Brenner x Reader... and it shows why the simple moments are the most important. Her Ryan is so thoughtful, and I just love him. 

 number of favorites/bookmarks you made this year: I liked a LOT of stories on Tumblr. A ton, in fact. A literal fuckton. I read a lot this year. 

favorite fanfic author of the year: It’s really unfair to make me choose a favorite, so I’ll list some that I truly enjoy in no particular order: 

@halfwit-halfblood

@delos-mio

@the-blind-assassin-12

@its-my-little-dumpster-fire

@madamrogersstorytelling

@logans-chestnuts

[jikook-is-soft]

JIKOOK FIC REC

I made this whole thing once before and accidentally deleted it and had to do it all over so RIP me. This time there will be less oneshots but that’s because I’ve read a fuck ton of chaptered fics this year so get ready. 

ONESHOTS

The Arrangement: Jikook are roommates in the BTS dorm and often find themselves sleeping in the same bed. the problem is Jungkook keeps waking Jimin up with his morning wood. Jungkook is in denial about his gayness and Jimin is hiding his until they come up with a little plan. Jimin will help him get rid of his boners so that Kookie’s sexual frustration will go away and stop waking Jimin up in the morning simple right? This is low-key really hot but I wish it was longer. 

A Knight’s Duty: Who doesn’t love a little porn with a plot am I right? Jungkook is in charge of guarding the crown prince Park Jimin, and it’s no secret that Jimin likes to get up to more than inappropriate things with the pretty knight. Read it read it read it

Thigh Highs: This one is super cute and super hot all at the same time. Jungkook comes home to find Jimin wrapped up in blankets and christmas lights. When he asks Jungkook to unwrap him he finds that Jimin is only wearing a t shirt and some thigh high socks. I swear this is some actual shit that Jikook would do, it makes me giddy. 

Live in Osaka: oh boy I LIVE for this oneshot. It’s based on the iconic vlive where Tae cock blocks Jikook by coming into Jungkook’s hotel room. you know the one “Jungkookie isn’t wearing any clothes” and Jimin hiding in the bathroom, yeah that one. Anyway this fic does a good job of describing the gay chaos that was this vlive. 

The Adventures of Jikook boyfriends: Okay this is precious. It’s a series of 12 oneshots in which Jikook are domestic as fuck. It’s so cute and fluffy (with the tinniest hint of smut) and definitely worth the read. 

White T-shirts and Brown Timberlands: shit. yes. okay. I swear this is an emotional rollercoaster. It made me laugh and cry and smile. Jimin and Jungkook have been together for eight years and Jimin realizes that it’s finally coming to an end as he holds the divorce papers in his hands. YOU GUYS, if this doesn’t hook you right away I don’t know what will. Don’t worry it has a happy ending, but that doesn’t mean it won’t make you cry. 

Okay those are the only really good oneshots that I’ve read in a while so now on to the juicy stuff, the Chaptered fics. There’s actually so many of these that I’m not sure I’ll even have time to put them all down but I’m going to try my darn best. 

CHAPTERED FICS

Comfort in lies: First things first TRIGGER WARNING there is rape and non consensual activity in this fic so if that bothers you in any way this may not be the one for you. That doesn’t dominate the whole story though. It’s canon compliant and is mostly about how Jungkook and Jimin come to terms with their feelings for each other. It made me cry big time just a warning. Their relationship in this is so pure and precious and not toxic like a lot of fics. Highly recommend this one (36 chapters)

Like Fire, Like Stone:  YES YES YES. This is yet another fic that made me bawl like a little child. It’s a shadow hunters AU but don’t worry you don’t need to know the show to enjoy this (I’ve never seen it and still love this fic). Jimin and Jungkook are childhood best friends that become each other’s Parabatai which is a bond made between two soldiers that connects them spiritually in order to help them in battle. The thing is parabatai are forbidden from being anything more than platonic, which is very hard for Jungkook when he starts to realize he may feel more for Jimin than he should. Please read this, it’s so good. (12 chapters) 

High For This: It’s easy to grasp. Jimin is a stripper and a certain young Jungkook starts to pay for all his time. It’s here that Jungkook convinces Jimin to be his BDSM sub. This is cute and sexy and also angsty. But still good check it out (18 Chapters)

All Your Glory: Fucking yes, this is so great. Jungkook and Jimin are both from rich powerful families that also happen to be sworn enemies. The two are supposed to hate each other and they somewhat do when they aren’t fucking each other’s brains out. Fuck buddy AU meets enemies to lovers AU meets business men AU. it’s fucking good okay? Read it (11 chapters) +a second part to the series. 

Whiskey: out of all the fics I’ve read in the past couple months this one stands out in my mind a lot. All I have to say is that if you read this please please listen to the music that goes with it because it’s an experience. Jimin is an omega cam boy but even with all the thirsty alphas watching him Jimin won’t ever succumb to his natural instincts, he’s independent and doesn’t need an alpha. However that changes when one of his viewers sends in his shirt and his smell sends Jimin into heat. this fucking hot and Pyscojimin has a twisted little mind that I love. (15 chapters)

crushes are the plague (and I caught your fever): Jungkook is the school bad boy and everyone knows that he has a reputation. However what people don’t know is that he’s dating the school angel and class president Park Jimin. this is so freaking cute but also really hot and I love it so much. (30 chapters)

Longing: a yearning desire: cry’s in Jikook. This is a soulmate AU in which the first words that your soulmate says to you appears on your wrist when you turn 18, unless your soulmates has already died. When Jungkook turns 18 his wrist is blank. This is really beautiful and Jimin is so soft here? I love love love this one so check it out. (11 chapters) 

Cherry: AAAHHH. Good old ABO fic. This is actually the sweetest thing it gives me butterflies inside. Jimin and Jungkook are childhood neighbors and best friends. When they are young they can’t help but sent each other and nuzzle into each other’s necks even though their parents get angry and try to stop them. Jungkook likes that Jimin smells like cherries. This is so freaking good you guys. there’s fluff and smut and angst and everything nice. (25 chapters)

Where you Belong: if Daddy kink makes you uncomfortable do not read this fic. I personally find this one absolutely adorable. Jimin thinks that he may be a little and decides to sign up for a website in order to find a daddy where he meets Jungkook. (There isn’t really any age regression here it’s mostly just Jimin being fragile and soft). It’s very sweet and soft (30 chapters)

(my heart beats) for you: Oh my God this one is so freaking cute. Jungkook becomes friends with Park Jimin who gets bullied at school. He thinks Jimin is the most adorable boy he’s ever laid eyes on from the day they meet and well into their older years. This warms my heart. There’s fluff and smut here which is a perfect combo. (4 chapters) 

Times Six: Okay I am SO SORRY. I know this is utter filth and completely fucking crazy but I HAD to add this fic. I don’t want to go into too many details and keep you from being surprised. Jungkook gets chosen for a super secret scientific project. As it turns out, super genius Park Jimin has succeeded in human cloning. When I say this is udder filth I really don’t say it lightly so please be cautious and good fucking luck to anyone that reads this one. (5 chapters) 

Falling for you again: Okay I remember reading this but I don’t actually remember if I liked it or not. I think I might have? who knows I read too much fanfiction. Anyway Jungkook gets into a car accident that leaves him badly damaged and erases his memory, specifically the memories of his boyfriend Jimin. The tags say happy ending so I assume that this one won’t make you cry too much....(4 chapters)

Into You: I read this a long time ago but I do remember liking it. Jimin is a very famous model and Jungkook is his bodyguard, but the fans don’t have to know that they are actually much more than that. There’s fluff and there’s smut and there’s angst so what more do you want. (7 chapters)

Expiration Date: Yes yes yes, a million times yes. I’m just going to add part of the actually story summary because they can put it into words better than I can “The age old story of two people that love each other so much that they are reincarnated because their bond is stronger than death. Take that, multiply it by 20, and switch the word love with hate.” Basically Jimin and Jungkook are like the opposite of lover soulmates. They are reincarnated and in every life they find each other, but the thing is once they meet all their memories of their past lives come back and they only have three months to live before they die and have to start it all over. THIS IS SO GOOD READ IT (30 chapters)

Appetite For Stars: Okay so you’re going to read the summary for this one and go “what the fuck”, but hear me out. The first chapter is defiantly uncomfortable so let’s get that shit out of the way. The second chapter is the reason that this fic is on here and don’t worry their is no pedo shit or underage sex. The second part to this fic is something I find very interesting so don’t get turned off by the first part. I”ll let you dive into this one alone (2 chapters)

Redo: Gonna be honest don’t remember this one too well, it was pretty far back in my ao3 history. Jungkook tries to get over his ex by having a one night stand and soon finds out that that one night stand just so happens to be his new roommate. (7 chapters)

Mono no aware: Ah the old “We were married and got a divorce so I haven’t seen you in years but suddenly you show up in my life again trope”. I think you can probably guess how this one goes, I highly recommend (10 chapters)

Tastes like victory: Why are there so many fics where Jimin is like a fragile stripper? Where does that even come from? But this fic is still really good, Jungkook is an underground fighter that meets Jimin, he teaches him how to defend himself from some nasty clients. (13 chapters)

Twelve: A New Chance: This one has a very interesting concept. For every person that you fall in love with it leave a mark on your skin. Gold is the most rare meaning that person is your soulmate. Black means mutual love, you may not be destined for each other but you’ll love each other none the less, and red means unrequited love. So far Jimin has 11 red marks. (13 chapters)

Coconut Head and McThiccens: Holy SHIT. Okay this might be my favorite fic on this list. I kid you not this is one of the softest and cutest jikook fics I’ve read in my life and I can’t believe I only found it recently. Jungkook is super boring and emotionless, almost like a robot. Jimin is the asshole of the school that everyone avoids because they know that he’ll tear the shit out of them if they get too close. However, Jungkook seems to be immune to anything Jimin does no matter how hard he tries to get a reaction, it frustrates Jimin. please please please read this oh my God you won’t regret it. It’s not finished yet there are still two chapters to go, but the author is updating soon (33/35 chapters) 

Alrighty I think that’s the end of this Jikook fic rec. There are more chaptered fics that I didn’t add to the list just because they weren’t special enough for me to remember/recommend. Enjoy all the jikook!

[bookofjin]

Siege of Luoyang, 309

So this something I have been working on for some time, and ended up much longer than planned.

This post discus the attempts in 309 to take Luoyang by the armies of Liu Yuan. Liu Yuan had proclaimed himself Emperor of Han in 308 and now hoped to capture the capital of the crumbling Western Jin empire.

The sources

The two main extant sources for the so-called Sixteen States period are the Book of Jin (Jinshu晉書, JS) by Fang Xuangling et al, finished in 648 during the Tang empire, and the Comprehensive Mirror to Aid in Government by Sima Guang (Zizhi tongjian資治通鑑, ZZTJ), finished 1084 during the Song empire.

The JS is written in the biographic-thematic style. The book's 130 scrolls are divided into four sections, the first three are the standard Basic Annals (benji本紀), Treatises (zhi志), and Biographies (liezhuan列傳). The fourth, the Yearly Annals (zaiji 載記), covers the last 30 scrolls of the book

The JS throughout treats the Jin rulers as the legitimate rulers, their northern rivals are all false usurpers, the titles and ranks they grant to their followers bogus pretensions. The zaiji hence cover those fourteen of the Sixteen States who claimed Heaven's favour to declare themselves kings and emperors in defiance of the Jin. The rulers of the last two maintained nominal allegiance to the Jin court, and so are rewarded with a place among the ordinary Biographies.

The JS is essentially a composite text created by selecting from and editing together older texts, now mostly lost. Most likely the main, if not the only, source for the zaiji was the Spring and Autumn of the Sixteen States (Shiliuguo chunqiu 十六國春秋, SLGCQ) by Cui Hong of the Northern Wei era (386 – 534). This book, in 100 scrolls, seems to have been written in basically a chronicle style (with some biographical elements), with a separate chronicle for each of the sixteen states. The SLCQ is no longer extant except in excerpts or indirectly through its use as a source by later books.

The ZZTJ is a universal history written in the chronicle style, the Jin are covered in Scrolls 79 – 118. Similarly to the JS, the ZZTJ has been created by abbreviating and editing together older texts. In his notes to his text, Sima Guang names several of the sources he has used, these include the JS and the SLGCQ, but also other now largely lost books such as Xiao Fangfeng's (528 – 549) Spring and Autumn of the Thirty States (Sanshiguo chunqiu 三十國春秋,SSGCQ) in 31 scrolls, and Sun Sheng's (302 - 373) Autumn of Jinyang (Jinyang qiu 晉陽秋, JYQ) in 22 scrolls. The JYQ, a chronicle of the Jin down to Emperor Ai (r. 361 – 365), was also used by the authors of the JS.

The ZZTJ also treat Jin as legitimate, following the so-called “line of abdication”, but the rulers of the Sixteen States are treated more neutral than the JS. Liu Yuan referred to in the text as the “Ruler of Han” (hanzhu漢主), and his family and followers by the ranks and titles they held under Han.

Comparing the JS and ZZTJ it is obvious that they share much of the same source material, but they have selected and abbreviated the material in different ways. The result is that some details have been preserved in one book but not the other. To get a comprehensive overview of the surviving source material it is therefore necessary to consult both.

The longest and most detailed by descriptions on Liu Cong's attempt to take Luoyang in 309 are found in the Yearly Annals of Liu Yuanhai in JS101 and a series of entries in ZZTJ87, we can probably assume the majority of these texts come from the SLGCQ. More summary accounts are found in the Basic Annals of Emperor Huai, JS005, and the Biography of Wang Mi, JS100, but these often contradict JS101 and ZZTJ.

Situation and opposing forces summer 309

In 309 the ruler of the Jin empire was Sima Chi, posthumously Emperor Huai, who had succeeded his brother Emperor Hui in 306. Real power was however in the hands of Sima Yue, King of Donghai, who had won the civil war among the Jin princes only to see the slide into chaos continue, and control of the provinces slipping away. In 307 Sima Yue had made his three brothers the military commanders of Xiangyang, Ye and Chang'an, but by summer 309 only one of these were still alive: Sima Mo, King of Nanyang, headquartered at Chang'an.

Liu Yuan is claimed by the sources to have been the grandson of the Xiongnu Southern Shanyu Yufuluo, but this seems questionable. We need not doubt though that he belonged to the Xiongnu royal clan, which had taken the Liu family name based on their past marriages with Han princesses. During the Jin civil wars he served Sima Ying, King of Chengdu. In 304 when Sima Ying was hard-pressed by his enemies' Xianbei cavalry, Liu Yuan offered to go back home and raise an army of Xiongnu in support of Sima Ying. Once back he initially took the title of Grand Shanyu, later the same year he proclaimed himself King of Han as the successor of Liu Shan.

Liu Yuan initially controlled a fairly limited territory, but in August 308 his forces captured Pingyang and Hedong commanderies. Liu Yuan then transferred his capital to Pingyang and proclaimed himself Emperor of Han. In the first half of 309 the armies of Han conquered Shangdang commandery from Jin's Inspector of Bing province, Liu Kun.

By this time Han's chief field commander seems to have been Liu Yuan's fourth son, Liu Cong, King of Chu. Among his subordinate generals the most notable was Wang Mi, a native of Donglai on the eastern coast (and so not a “barbarian”). In 306 Wang Mi had joined the local rebellion of Liu Bogen. When Bogen was defeated, he took refuge in the mountains and became a bandit leader. In 308 Wang Mi led his army west across the plains, sacked Xuchang and attacked Luoyang. When his attack on Luoyang failed, he crossed the He and pledged allegiance to Han. Liu Cong's other chief supporters tended to come from either the royal Liu clan, or the Huyan clan. Liu Yuan's mother came from the Huyan, and clearly this was an important clan, tightly connected with the Liu.

Launch of the first? campaign, defeat of Cao Wu.

Jin's 3rd Year of Yongjia, Han's 1st Year of Herui, 8th Month (21 September – 19 October 309), Liu Yuan ordered Liu Cong to attack Luoyang (ZZTJ) together with Wang Mi, and with his cousin Liu Yao and Zhao Gu as rear support (JS101, Note 1). The Han armies were by this point plundering Henei and Ji commanderies on the north bank of Yellow River, but attempting to cross the river here would have been too difficult in the face of the imperial Jin armies. Instead Liu Cong would cross closer to Pingyang, and then descend through the mountain passes to attack Luoyang from the west.

Sima Yue dispatched the General who Pacifies the North, Cao Wu (JS101, ZZTJ), with Generals Song Chou and Peng Mo (JS101), to stop him. Cao Wu positioned at Dayang (JS100) near the Shan pass, presumably to prevent Liu Cong from crossing. However Liu Cong defeated Peng Mo, who was killed (JS100), and the Jin army withdrew (JS100, JS101, ZZTJ).

(Note 1: Liu Cong is the only Han commander named by ZZTJ for this campaign. JS101 states the Han army was commanded by Liu Cong and Wang Mi, with Liu Yao and Zhao Gu as rear support. However JS100 states that while Cao Wu was at Danyang to confront Liu Cong, Pei Xian was at Baima to confront Wang Mi. One possibility is that Wang Mi only joined up with Liu Cong later.)

Battle at Yiyang, Liu Cong defeated in night attack, as told by JS101 and ZZTJ

After routing Cao Wu, Liu Cong crossed the He and advanced eastwards to arrive at Yiyang. Yiyang  was located on the Luo river west of Luoyang.

Sima Mo (Note 2) dispatched an army from Chang'an commanded by Chunyu Ding and Lü Yi to stop Liu Cong, but in a battle at Yiyang they were also defeated (JS101). Liu Cong grew lax from his continuous victories, and failed to put his army camp in proper readiness.

In the 9th Month (20 October – 18 November) (ZZTJ), Jin's Grand Warden of Hongnong, Yuan Yan, feigned surrender, and attacked Liu Cong in a night raid. Liu Cong was greatly defeated and forced to withdraw (JS101, ZZTJ). It is said that Liu Yuan greeted the returning army clad in white (i.e. mourning) clothes (JS101), which implies that Liu Cong had retreated all the way back to Pingyang.

(Note 2: JS101 calls titles Sima Mo as Duke of Pingchang. This seems to be a simple mistake. Sima Mo had earlier been titled Duke of Pingchang, but in 306 was advanced to King of Nanyang.)

Junyi besieged by Liu Cong, conflicting information from JS005

JS005 has no entries for the 8th Month of Yongjia 3, which does not necessarily mean anything, as the benji chapters are very concise.

Under the 9th Month JS005 states that on 20 October), Liu Cong besieged Junyi. Cao Wu was dispatched to deal with him. On 31 October, the Jin army was defeated (JS005). JS005 then moves on to Liu Cong's siege of Luoyang, described in detail further below.

Junyi is a county in Chenliu, to the east of Luoyang. While it is not explicitly stated by JS005, 20 October was the first day of the 9th Month. Liu Cong could of course have moved east from Yiyang and bypassed Luoyang, but how does this fit in with his supposed defeat by Yuan Yan? I don't known. ZZTJ ignores these entries entirely.

Launch of the second campaign

In winter, the 10th Month [19 November – 17 December], Liu Yuan again sent Liu Cong together with Wang Mi, Liu Yao, Dragon Galloping General and King of Shi'an, and Liu Jing, King of Ruyin, to attack Luoyang with a cavalry army (Note 3). Huyan Yi, Great Minister of Works and Duke of Yanmen, with an infantry force was to provide rear support (JS101, ZZTJ). Based on later events, it seems he was stationed at Dayang. His task was probably then to protect Han communications across the He.

On 9 December Liu Cong once again arrived at Yiyang with his army, causing consternation in the Jin capital where they had not expect him to return so soon (ZZTJ). From Yiyang, Liu Cong continued east to Henan where he defeated a Jin army (JS101). It must have been around this time that Sima Yue returned to Luoyang from Puyang to defend the imperial capital. (JS005)

(Note 3: JS101 and ZZTJ call it 50 000 of the finest cavalry, JS100 puts it at 10 000 cavalry. It is probably best not to focus too much on these numbers.)

A long digression on Liu Tun, JS045 and JS100

Wang Mi's biography does not mention any reversals for the Han armies, or any need to relaunch the campaign, one possibility is that these details have been omitted from JS100's much briefer treatment. Instead JS100 simply states that Liu Cong, after defeating Cao Wu, crossed the Yellow River. Jin armies under the Minister of Retainers, Liu Tun, General Song Chou and others were sent against him without success. Liu Cong and Wang Mi then attacked Luoyang with 10 000 cavalry, and burnt the Two Schools.

Liu Tun had been Minister of Retainers since the time of Emperor Hui. As already described above, JS101 states that Liu Cong at the beginning of the first campaign defeated an army led by Cao Wu, Song Chou and Peng Mo. JS101 states Liu Cong that first defeated Cao Wu and Peng Mo, and Peng Mo was killed, and then defeated Liu Tun and Song Chou. It is possible that JS101 has merged the defeat of Cao Wu and Peng Mo and the defeat of Liu Tun and Song Chou into the common defeat of Cao Wu, Song Chou and Peng Mo. In this case Liu Tun's defeat must have taken place early in the first campaign before Liu Cong arrived at Yiyang. On the other hand I don't think there is any real reason why Song Chou could not have served under Cao Wu first, but being omitted from JS100, and then under Liu Tun later. In that case Liu Tun's defeat could have come much later.

Liu Tun has his own biography in JS045, but the relevant sections are difficult to reconcile with the other texts. First there is a story that Liu Tun once set off with a large retinue of guests and relatives for a visit to the family grave. The Prefect of Luoyang, Wang Leng, told Sima Yue that Liu Tun was planning to defect to Wang Mi, who came from the same commandery, Donglai, as him. Sima Yue sent some cavalry to chase after Liu Tun, to his shame when the truth came to light.

This episode is dated by JS045 to the time when Liu Cong and Wang Mi were in Hedong, which should place it somewhere between Han's capture of Hedong and Liu Cong's crossing of the Yellow River. One potential issue with the historicity of the whole episode is that it seems to require Sima Yue to have been in Luoyang. However JS005 gives the impression that Sima Yue was at Puyang for this whole period and only returned to Luoyang when the city was directly threatened.

JS045 follows this story with a summary of Liu Tun's career during the remainder of Emperor Huai's reign. When Liu Yao threatened Luoyang, Liu Tan was appointed General who Consoles the Army and commander of the capital's defences. Liu Yao withdrew. Liu Tun then moved to Supervisor of the Masters of Writing, but was shunted off by a suspicious Sima Yue into an essentially honorary court position. Later on he was restored to Minister of Retainers by Emperor Huai.

On first impression this straightforward enough, but again there are some issues. First of all I am not aware of any operations against Luoyang led by Liu Yao before the summer of 311, by which time Sima Yue was dead. It could of course refer to something otherwise unrecorded, but I think it is possible that it actually refer to Liu Cong's attack on Luoyang in 309, which Liu Yao took part in. It would make sense for someone like Liu Tun to be made commander of the defence of the capital in Sima Yue's absence. It would also fit with JS100's statement that Liu Cong defeated Liu Tun after crossing the He, JS045 has just omitted Liu Tun's defeat as irrelevant. I don't think it is a problem either that JS100 titles Liu Tun as Minister of Retainers rather than General who Consoles the Army, since his generalship was an emergency appointment.

This theory is however contradicted by JS005. According to JS005, Sima Yue's brother, Sima Jian, King of Gaomi and military commander at Xiangyang, died on 5 April 309. The court appointed the Supervisor of the Left of the Masters of Writing, Shan Jian, as military commander at Xiangyang to replace Sima Jian, and the Minister of Retainers, Liu Tun, as Supervisor of the Left to replace Shan Jian. If Liu Tun became Supervisor of the Left already in April 309, then he cannot have been Minister of Retainers when Liu Cong invaded in December 309. What I am not certain about is how soon after Sima Jian's death Liu Tun's appointment took place. Surely should have taken some time to pick a successor for Sima Jian and then for Shan Jian?

My theory is therefore, though involves a large amount of speculations and is also partly contradicted by the sources, that when Liu Cong unexpectedly appeared at Yiyang on 9 December, the court turned to Liu Tun to lead the defences. And it was an army under Liu Tun's command that Liu Cong defeated at Henan.

Siege of Luoyang, first phase

On 14 December, Liu Cong arrived with his army before Luoyang and camped outside the Ximing Gate (JS005, JS101, ZZTJ). That night the Jin launched a night attack, either led by the Army Protector Jia Yin (JS101) or Beigong Chun (ZZTJ). The Jin forces set out from the Daxia Gate (JS101) and attacked the Han encampments (ZZTJ) where they killed Han's General who Conquers the Caitiffs, Huyan Hao (JS101, ZZTJ, Note 4).

Next day, 15 December, Liu Cong withdrew south to the Luo river where he made a fortified camp (JS101, ZZTJ). On 18 December (Note 5) Huyan Yi was killed by his own men, and his forces dispersed from Dayang (ZZTJ). According to ZZTJ, Huyan Yi received the posthumous title of “Stern and Solemn” (guangmu), he might not have been the ideal boss.

After these reversals Liu Yuan ordered the army to return, however Liu Cong successfully argued that the Jin forces were small and that they should not let the deaths of Huyan Hao and Huyan Yi deter them from continuing the attack.

(Note 4: JS101 states that Huyan Hao's forces dispersed as a result, but this seems to be a conflation with the fate Huyan Yi's army, as described by ZZTJ.)

(Note 5: ZZTJ dates Liu Cong's move south to the Luo to renxu (day 59 in the 60-day cycle), Huyan Yi's death to yichou (day 2) and Liu Cong's excursion to Mount Song to wuyin (day 15), all in the 10th Month. However there was no yichou or wuyin days in Yongjia 3, Month 10, which should have ended on jiazi (day 1). I think the explanation for this is simply that Sima Guang's source has failed to record the start of the 11th Month between renxu and yichou. The first date actually recorded in the ZZTJ under the 11th Month is Liu Cong's return to Pingyang on jiashen (day 21). Everything fits perfectly if Huyan Yi's death and the trip to Mount Song are assumed to have taken place in the 11th Month.)

Siege of Luoyang, second phase

After presumably reorganizing his forces, Liu Cong returned to the renew the attack. This time he made camp outside the Xuanyang Gate, Liu Yao camped outside the Shangdong Gate, Wang Mi outside the Guangyang Gate, while Liu Jing attacked the Daxia Gate (JS101). Based on the positions of these gates, it seems the Han armies were now threatening Luoyang from all sides.

On 31 December Liu Cong went to personally pray at the holy Mount Song, he left behind Liu Li, King of Anyang and General who Pacifies the Jin, and Huyan Lang, General of the Best of the Army, to command the Han forces in his absence (JS101, ZZTJ). While this is not explicitly stated, I assume they were only put in command of the forces directly under Liu Cong at the Xuanyang Gate, and that Wang Mi and Liu Yao were still in command and present at their own camps.

Jin's Army Advisor to the Grand Tutor, Sun Xun suggested to Sima Yue that this would be the perfect opportunity for a counter-attack (ZZTJ). Sima Yue ordered Sun Xun, together with Generals Qiu Guang and Lou Pou, to sally out with a force of 3 000 men from his personal retinue (JS101). They set out from the Xuanyang Gate, and routed the Han army camped outside it. Huyan Lang was killed  (JS005, JS101, ZZTJ), making him the third Huyan to fall. Liu Cong hurried back but it was too late. Liu Li feared he would take the blame and drowned himself in the river. (JS101, ZZTJ)

Wang Mi now, according to the common account of JS101 and ZZTJ, advised Liu Cong that it would be best to abandon the attack on Luoyang for now. The Jin defenders were still strong, provisions were few and the supply train was still at the Shan pass. Instead Liu Cong should return to Pingyang with Liu Yao and prepare a new army. Meanwhile Wang Mi would stay behind in Yan and Yu provinces and store up provisions, presumably by plundering. (JS101, ZZTJ) Liu Cong however, because his earlier request to continue, was reluctant to give up (ZZTJ).

Meanwhile back in Pingyang, Liu Yuan's astrologer Xuanyu Xiuzhi had divined that Luoyang would only fall in a xinwei year, and that the Han army would be defeated if it did not return. Liu Yuan then sent out his Gentleman of the Yellow Gates, Fu Xun, to summon Liu Cong to come back.

Siege of Luoyang, third phase? More contradictions from JS005

JS101 and ZZTJ end their account with Xuanyu Xiuzhi's prophecy and the summons from Liu Yuan. Liu Cong and Liu Yuan returned to Pingyang on 6 January 310 (ZZTJ). Based on JS005 however, it seems fighting might continued for a while after the battle at Xuanyang Gate. The author JS101 and ZZTJ's source might have left this out to not detract from Wang Mi's practical and Xuanyu Xiuzhi's mystic advise, or authors of JS005 might just have been confused and muddled things together.

JS005's treatment of the whole siege is as expected quite brief. According to it, sometime after Sima Yue's return to the capital, Liu Cong arrived at the Ximing Gate. Sima Yue and Liu Cong fought a battle outside the Xuanyang Gate and Liu Cong was defeated. As a brief summary nothing here contradicts JS101 or ZZTJ.

JS005 then says that the Jin sent the General of Chariots and Cavalry, Wang Kan, and the General who Pacifies the North, Cao Wu, against Liu Cong. However the Jin army was defeated and Wang Kan fled back to capital. Cao Wu certainly gets defeated a lot! Now I suppose if Liu Cong had moved some distance away from Luoyang, it would make sense to speak of his return to the capital afterwards. But it is more tempting to speculate that defeat is the same as Jin defeat dated to 31 October by JS005, and that this entry is a duplicate. However as discussed above, that battle is also difficult to fit in.

Next, says JS005, Liu Cong attacked Luoyang's Ximing Gate but did not prevail. Ignoring Wang Kan, if Liu Cong continued the siege after being defeated at Xuanyang Gate, he could certainly have moved his camp back outside the Ximing Gate. But if Wang Kan's defeat is a duplicate, this could be as well.

JS100 treats the whole siege very briefly. When Liu Cong and Wang Mi showed up outside Luoyang, Sima Yue resisted them at the Ximing Gate. The Han army was defeated and left. This suggest that the final battles of the siege took place at the Ximing Gate. However since the battle at the Xuanyang gate is ignored, it might as well refer to Liu Cong's arrival at the Ximing Gate at the beginning of the siege.

JS005 then says that in the 11th Month the Beg-to-Live leaders Li Yun and Bo Sheng led their army to the relief of Luoyang, and Liu Cong then withdrew and left. And with this we seem to be on safer ground.

Wang Mi defeated at Xinji. Li Yun and Bo Sheng's role in the end of the siege.

As he had advised, when Liu Cong abandoned the siege, Wang Mi did not accompany him back to Pingyang, but instead set out south through the Huanyuan pass to start the work of piling up provisions (JS101, ZZTJ). However Sima Yue sent out an army led by either Bo Sheng (JS101) or Li Yun (JS005) (Note 6), and they defeated Wang Mi at Xinji in Yingchuan (JS005).

If, as JS101 says, Sima Yue could sent Bo Sheng to chase after Wang Mi, it makes sense, as JS005 claims, that Li Yun and Bo Sheng had come to Luoyang with a relief army before Liu Cong's withdrawal. If this was the case, then real reason why Liu Cong had to retreat was the arrival of enemy reinforcements rather than Xuanyu Xiuzhi's prophecy. This however makes for less neat and instructive to the story.

(Note 6: Since Li Yun and Bo Sheng were both commanders in the same army, the disagreement between JS005 and JS101 on who led the Jin army at Xinji does not seem a critical problem.)

Postscript

Liu Yuan died of illness in 310. His oldest son and chosen successor, Liu He, ruled for only a few days before Liu Cong deposed him and enthroned himself as Emperor of Han. Liu Cong ruled until his own death in 318.

Sima Yue died 23 April 311 and what remained of the Jin empire crumbled quickly after that. On 13 July 311 Wang Mi and Liu Yao entered Luoyang, which by this point was ravaged by famine and almost undefended. They plundered the city and brought Emperor Huai a captive back to Pingyang. 311 was a xinwei year, so everything had predictably gone just as as Xuanyu Xiuzhi had predicted. Emperor Huai was eventually executed by Liu Cong in 313.

Following the fall of Luoyang, Wang Mi fell out with Shi Le, and was killed by him at a banquet in November 311.

Translations

Note that JS refers to Liu Yuan劉淵 as Liu Yuanhai 劉元海, his courtesy name, to observe the Tang taboo on 淵, the name of Tang Gaozu.

JS005, Basic Annals of Emperor Huai

9th Month [20 October – 18 November], bingyin [20 October 309], Liu Cong besieged Junyi. Dispatched the General who Pacifies the North, Cao Wu to punish him.

On the day dingchou [31 October], the royal regiments achieved defeat.

The King of Donghai, Yue, entered to defend the capital city. Cong arrived at the Ximing gate. Yue defended against him, and in a battle outside the Xuanyang Gate greatly routed him.

…

Sent the General of Chariots and Cavalry, Wang Kan, and the General who Pacifies the North, Cao Wu, to punish Liu Cong. The royal regiments achieved defeat. Kan fled and returned to the capital.

…

Liu Cong attacked Luoyang's Ximing gate, but did not overcome [it].

Winter, 11th Month, the Beg-to-Live leaders, Li Yun, Bo Sheng, and others led the multitudes to aid the Imperial Capital. Cong withdrew and left.

Yun and others again routed Wang Mi at Xinji.

九月丙寅，劉聰圍浚儀，遣平北將軍曹武討之。丁丑，王師敗績。東海王越人保京城。聰至西明門，越禦之，戰于宣陽門外，大破之。… 使車騎將軍王堪、平北將軍曹武討劉聰，王師敗績，堪奔還京師。… 劉聰攻洛陽西明門，不克。

冬十一月 … 乞活帥李惲、薄盛等帥眾救京師，聰退走。惲等又破王彌於新汲。

JS045, Biography of Liu Tun

Tun's wife had previously passed on, and was first buried in an accompanying tomb. His son Gengsheng [?] was newly married. In the family law, the wives had to do obeisance at the grave. The guests and relatives who followed along had several tens of vehicles. They loaded alcohol and food, and went.

Before this, the Prefect of Luoyang, Wang Leng, was trusted by Yue, and made light of Tun. Tun always desired to restrain him. Leng considered him an enemy. At the time Liu Cong and Wang Mi garrisoned Hedong, the Imperial District was endangered and in fear. Leng reported to Yue, stating Tun was a countryman of Mi and desired to throw in with him. Yue made ready cavalry wanting to pursue Tun. The Senior Clerk of the Right, Fu Xuan clarified Tun would not do so. Tun heard about it. He had not yet reached the grave when he turned around, and accordingly with proper righteousness called Yue into account. Yue was considerably ashamed.

When Liu Yao robbed the Imperial Capital, used Tun as General who Consoles the Army, Acting with the Tally, Commander-in-chief of All Army Affairs of the City Defences. Yao withdrew. He moved to Supervisor of the Masters of Writing.

Yue dreaded Tun for his long-time duties in supervision and managing, and also that he was admired in the multitudes' feelings, therefore used him as Brilliantly Blessed Grandee of the Right, acting Junior Tutor to the Heir-Apparent, concurrently Cavalier in Regular Attendance. Outwardly he showed honour and advancement, but in truth he took away his authority. Emperor Huai again decreed Tun to act as Commandant of Guards, concurrently Specially Advanced. Later he then used Tun as Minister of Retainers, concurrently Palace Attendant. Tun for five [times?, years?] was Minister of Retainers, he indeed united the reasons of matters and feelings [?].

暾妻前卒，先陪陵葬。子更生初婚，家法，婦當拜墓，攜賓客親屬數十乘，載酒食而行。先是，洛陽令王棱為越所信，而輕暾，暾每欲繩之，棱以為怨。時劉聰、王彌屯河北，京邑危懼。棱告越，云暾與彌鄉親而欲投之。越嚴騎將追暾，右長史傅宣明暾不然。暾聞之，未至墓而反，以正義責越，越甚慚。

及劉曜寇京師，以暾為撫軍將軍、假節、都督城守諸軍事。曜退，遷尚書僕射。越憚暾久居監司，又為眾情所歸，乃以為右光祿大夫，領太子少傅，加散騎常侍。外示崇進，實奪其權。懷帝又詔暾領衛尉，加特進。後復以暾為司隸，加侍中。暾五為司隸，允協物情故也。

JS100, Biography of Wang Mi

Emperor Huai dispatched the Commander of the Palace Gentlemen of the North, Pei Xian to stay at Baima to punish [Wang] Mi, the General of Chariots and Cavalry, Wang Kan, to stay at Dongyan to punish [Shi] Le, the General who Pacifies the North, Cao Wu to stay at Dayang to punish [Liu] Yuanhai. Wu's section General Peng Mo was defeated by Liu Cong and murdered. The multitude armies all withdrew.

Cong crossed the Yellow River. The Emperor dispatched the Colonel Minister of Retainers, Liu Tun, General Song Chou, and others to resist him. None were able to withstand. Mi and Cong used 10 000 cavalry to reach the Imperial Capital, and burnt the Two Schools. The King of Donghai, Yue, resisted in battle at the Ximing Gate. Mi and others were defeated and left.

懷帝遣北中郎將裴憲次白馬討彌，車騎將軍王堪次東燕討勒，平北將軍曹武次大陽討元海。武部將軍彭默為劉聰所敗，見害，眾軍皆退。聰渡黃河，帝遣司隸校尉劉暾、將軍宋抽等距之，皆不能抗。彌、聰以萬騎至京城，焚二學。東海王越距戰於西明門，彌等敗走。

JS101, Yearly Annals of Liu Yuanhai

Hence he instructed his son Cong and Wang Mi to advance and rob Luoyang, Liu Yao with Zhao Gu and others to be their rear support. The King of Donghai, Yue, dispatched the General who Pacifies the North, Cao Wu, and Generals Song Chou, Peng Mo, and others to resist them. The kingly host achieved defeat. Cong and others pushed deep to reach Yiyang.

The Duke of Pingchang, Mo, dispatched generals Chunyu Ding, Lü Yi and others from Chang'an to punish them. They fought at Yiyang, Ding and others achieved defeat. Cong relied on continuous victory, and did not make preparations. The Grand Warden of Hongnong, Yuan Yan, feigned surrender. In a night raid, Cong's army was greatly defeated and turned back. Yuanhai in white clothes greeted the host.

That winter, he then greatly sent out soldiers. He dispatched Cong and Mi, with Liu Yao, Liu Jing and others to lead 50 000 of the finest cavalry to rob Luoyang. He sent Huyan Yi to lead foot soldiers to support them. They defeated the kingly host at [or “in”] Henan. Cong advanced to garrison at the Ximing Gate. The Army-Protector Jia Yin at night pushed [?] him, They fought at the Daxia Gate. He beheaded Cong's general Huyan Hao. His multitudes thereupon dispersed.

Cong turned around the army and went south. He walled up at the Luo river, and soon after advanced to garrison at the Xuanyang Gate. Yao garrisoned at the Shangdong Gate. Mi garrisoned at the Guangyang Gate. Jing attacked the Daxia Gate. Cong personally prayed at Song Peak, and ordered his generals, Liu Li, Huyan Lang, and others, to direct and stay with the army.

The King of Donghai, Yue, instructed Army Advisor Sun Xun, Generals Qiu Guang, Lou Pou, and others to lead 3 000 strong soldiers beneath the tent. They struck Lang from the Xuanyang Gate, and beheaded him. Cong heard and hurried back. Li feared Cong would punish him, took himself into the river and died.

Wang Mi spoke to Cong, saying:

Now [we] have already lost the advantage, Luoyang is still strong. Your Highness, it is not as good as turning back the host, and calmly be raising up in the rear. Your Subordinate will gather troops and store up grain in Yan and Yu. [I will] humbly listen for [?]  and make ready for the rendezvous.

Xuanyu Xiuzhi again talked to Yuanhai, saying:

[When] the year is xinwei, [we] will obtain Luoyang. Now the airs of Jin are still abundant. [If] the Great Army does not return, it will surely be defeated.

Yuanhai swiftly dispatched the Gentleman of the Yellow Gates Fu Xun to summon Cong and others to turn back with the host.

Wang Mi set out from Huanyuan. Yue dispatched Bo Sheng and others to pursue and strike Mi. They fought at Xinji. Mi's host achieved defeat. Hence he gathered in the guard posts of Puban, and turned back to Pingyang.

於是命其子聰與王彌進寇洛陽，劉曜與趙固等為之後繼。東海王越遣平北將軍曹武、將軍宋抽、彭默等距之，王師敗績。聰等長驅至宜陽，平昌公模遣將軍淳于定、呂毅等自長安討之，戰于宜陽，定等敗績。聰恃連勝，不設備，弘農太守垣延詐降。夜襲，聰軍大敗而還，元海素服迎師。

是冬，復大發卒，遣聰、彌與劉曜、劉景等率精騎五萬寇洛陽，使呼延翼率步卒繼之，敗王師於河南。聰進屯于西明門，護軍賈胤夜薄之，戰于大夏門，斬聰將呼延顥，其眾遂潰。聰迴軍而南。壁於洛水，尋進屯宣陽門，曜屯上東門，彌屯廣陽門，景攻大夏門，聰親祈嵩嶽，令其將劉厲、呼延朗等督留軍。東海王越命參軍孫詢、將軍丘光、樓裒等率帳下勁卒三千，自宣陽門擊朗，斬之。聰聞而馳還。厲懼聰之罪己也，赴水而死。王彌謂聰曰：「今既失利，洛陽猶固，殿下不如還師，徐為後舉。下官當於袞豫之間收兵積穀，伏聽嚴期。」宣于脩之又言於元海曰：「歲在辛未，當得洛陽。今晉氣猶盛，大軍不歸，必敗。」元海馳遣黃門郎傅詢召聰等還師。王彌出自轘轅，越遣薄盛等追擊彌，戰于新汲，彌師敗績。於是攝薄阪之戍，還於平陽。

ZZTJ87, Yongjia 3

Autumn, 8th Month [21 September – 19 October], the Ruler of Han, Yuan, instructed the King of Chu, Cong, and others to advance and attack Luoyang. Decreed the General who Pacifies the North, Cao Wu, and others, to resist him. All were defeated by Cong.

Cong pushed deep to reach Yiyang. He himself relied on continuous victory, he was negligent and did not make preparations.

9th Month [20 October – 18 November], the Grand Warden of Hongnong, Yuan Yan, feigned surrender. [He made] a night raid on Cong's army. Cong was greatly defeated and turned back.

…

Winter, 10th Month [19 November – 17 December], the Ruler of Han then dispatched the King of Chu, Cong; Wang Mi; the King of Shi'An, Yao; and the King of Ruyin, Jing, to lead 50 000 of the finest cavalry to rob Luoyang. The Great Minister of Works, Duke Gangmu of Yanmen, Huyan Yi, to lead foot soldiers to support them.

On bingchen [9 December], Cong and others reached Yiyang. The Imperial Court, due to the Han troops being recently defeated, did not expect them to arrive again and was greatly fearful.

On xinyou [14 December], Cong garrisoned Ximing Gate. Beigong Chun and others at night led more than a thousand brave soldiers to set out and attack Han's fortifications. He beheaded their General who Conquers the Caitiffs, Huyan Hao.

On renxu [15 December], Cong went south to garrison at the Luo river.

[11th Month,] On yichou [18 December], Huyan Yi was killed by his followers, his multitudes dispersed from Dayang and returned home.

Yuan commanded Cong and others to turn back with the host. Cong petitioned claiming that the Jin troops were few, that he could not for the reasons of Yi and Hao's deaths turn back the host. He firmly requested to stay and attack Luoyang. Yuan allowed it.

The Grand Tutor, Yue, defended himself in the encircled Luoyang [?].

On wuyin [31 December], Cong prayed at Song Mountain. He kept the General who Pacifies the Jin, King Ai of Anyang, Li, and the General of the Best of the Army, Huyan Lang, to direct and administer the staying army. The Army Advisor to the Grand Tutor, Sun Xun persuaded Yue to exploit the absence to set out and strike Lang. He beheaded him. Li took himself into the river and died.

Wang Mi spoke to Cong, saying:

Now the army has already lost the advantage. The defenders of Luoyang are prepared and still strong, the transport chariots are at Shan, the provisions and food do not provide for several days. Your Highness, it is not as good as to turn back to Pingyhang with the Dragon Galloping [General, Yao], bundle up food and send out soldiers, and furthermore be raising up in the rear. Your Subordinate likewise [will] gather soldiers and grain, and await instructions in Yan and Yu. Can it not likewise be done?

Cong himself, due to requesting to stay, did not yet dare to turn back.

Xuanyu Xiuzhi talked to Yuan, saying:

[When] the year is xinwei, then [we will] obtain Luoyang. Now the airs of Jin are still abundant. [If] the Great Army does not return, it will surely be defeated.

Yuan therefore summoned Cong and others to turn back.

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11th Month, jiashen [6 January], Han's King of Chu, Cong, and King of Shi'an, Yao, returned home to Pingyang.

Wang Mi to the south set out [from] Huanyuan.

秋，八月，漢主淵命楚王聰等進攻洛陽；詔平北將軍曹武等拒之，皆爲聰所敗。聰長驅至宜陽，自恃驟勝，怠不設備。九月，弘農太守垣延詐降，夜襲聰軍，聰大敗而還。

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冬，十月，漢主淵復遣楚王聰、王彌、始安王曜、汝陰王景帥精騎五萬寇洛陽，大司空鴈門剛穆公呼延翼帥步卒繼之。丙辰，聰等至宜陽。朝廷以漢兵新敗，不意其復至，大懼。辛酉，聰屯西明門。北宮純等夜帥勇士千餘人出攻漢壁，斬其征虜將軍呼延顥。壬戌，聰南屯洛水。乙丑，呼延翼爲其下所殺，其衆自大陽潰歸。淵敕聰等還師；聰表稱晉兵微弱，不可以翼、顥死故還師，固請留攻洛陽，淵許之。太傅越嬰城自守。戊寅，聰親祈嵩山，留平晉將軍安陽哀王厲、冠軍將軍呼延朗督攝留軍；太傅參軍孫詢說越乘虛出擊朗，斬之，厲赴水死。王彌謂聰曰︰「今軍旣失利，洛陽守備猶固，運車在陝，糧食不支數日。殿下不如與龍驤還平陽，裹糧發卒，更爲後舉；下官亦收兵穀，待命於兗、豫，不亦可乎！」聰自以請留，未敢還。宣于脩之言於淵曰︰「歲在辛未，乃得洛陽。今晉氣猶盛，大軍不歸，必敗。」淵乃召聰等還。

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十一月，甲申，漢楚王聰、始安王曜歸于平陽。王彌南出轘轅，