#honestly only a couple of mistakes so far! <3 they're doing well they worked hard on this^^

[kuroshitsuji-wiki]

Season 5: The spoken German

I have decided to add transcripts of the spoken German with English translations (and corrections to the German if needed) to the episode pages on the wiki because, sometimes, what they say and what is given in the subtitles do not quite match. It has been a fun thing to do so far!

Full transcripts and translations:

Episode 58: "His Butler, Doing Fieldwork"

Episode 59: "His Butler, Sounding the Alarm"

The annotations and the table format make it difficult to turn this into a blog post, sorry!

Additional notes:

When the main trailer was released, I wrote that Hilde and the villagers said "Zuteiler" which I concluded was meant to be "Mitteiler." However, in the episode proper, Finnian and the unnamed villagers who speak right after him say "Zuträger" very clearly which is a correct word for "informants." (It is specifically a derogatory term for informants.) Hilde and the others, therefore, must likely be saying "Zuträger" too! (It is not as clear when they say it, but when you know what they are meant to say and strain to listen a bit, it fits.)

Ciel also said Sebastian's name the German way when talking to Sieglinde which was nice, and Sebastian pronounced the names of the food items well (though Bratwurst was a little rough), particularly rote Grütze.

[aspd-culture]

Do you have books/movies recommendation that represents aspd well fiction or nonfiction?

Hhhhh I was waiting for this question to come one day. The answer is lowkey v v disappointing.

Because... no, not really. I've got like three, two of which do what I consider a fairly good job, and one that rides the fence of being a lil "oh great, the ASPD character likes blood and guts and death".

Sorry this is so long-winded tldr Ender's Game (book only), House, MD if you can handle some not ok 2000's comedy, and Wednesday if you never get into the fandom.

In order of, in my opinion, best to least best (they're all still p good):

I tried to make these spoiler free but it's hard while explaining good vs bad rep. I would recommend going into Ender's Game blind without reading what I wrote about it and coming back to this post after. I would read the warning attached to the other two.

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (The book not the movie, oh my gosh, not the movie) - Peak ASPD right here. When I was a kid with ASPD, this is the only book I ever related to and I randomly picked it bc it was the third name on the mandatory summer reading list and 3 is my OCD's favorite number. It rarely lets me down, and in this case, brought me a seriously well-done look at ASPD done, possibly entirely without meaning to. Orson Scott Card, as far as I'm aware, set out to write a book about trauma and the way that different types of trauma shapes the mind in early childhood, and preschool aged children engaging in active military training is... woof. It's a lot when something that you relate to so much is a depiction of a war-era dystopia. There are definitely parts that still push the stigma, and a lot of what makes Ender "good" is the sympathy and compassion and "purity" he shows, so be ready for that. That said, this also shows how a kid can still fit the definition of a loving, innocent child even while actively engaging in violence. It's a bit preachy with its message, but it is a damn good book. I will openly admit I have never gotten around to reading the sequels purely bc they were not in my school libraries. I wonder if Libby has them... *takes mental note*. There are also questions about if Ender's siblings possibly have cluster b disorders themselves. I have seen theories that both Peter and Valentine have NPD, and a more controversial theory that Valentine has NPD while Peter has BPD and the book just happens to focus on demonizing him (as a character to make a point about him and Valentine, not because of the disorder) so it doesn't emphasize the non-splitting behavior. Just, do yourself a favor and don't read into psych articles about Ender's Game. They make a big deal out of Ender being a good character because he is "saved" by his empathy and just... idk the book is written from his POV and I don't see much empathy there. I see compassion. I see cognitive empathy. I do not see affective empathy besides with a couple Exceptions.

House, MD - the profile pic is for a reason. More than House, MD is a show about doctors or medicine, it is a show about House's struggle with his mental health. We watch him slowly get through the process of recognizing, adapting to, and working on his symptoms throughout the show. It honestly helped me before I even realized I had ASPD to improve my relationships with people by learning from his mistakes.

House is (minor spoiler) canonically diagnosed with "Antisocial traits" around season 6 I believe, but he experiences them the entire time. He is written as a character who I believe was supposed to have ASPD. If not, he is one of the most accurate accidents turned canon I have ever seen. That said, this show does not shy away from the negative aspects of ASPD. Many people say horrible things about House throughout the series, many of them he does not bother to argue with or deny. It is... really emotional for me sometimes to see how they speak to and about him and how he handles that. It's really good, but does have one very triggering episode about a "true sociopath" and House's struggles with relating to her also around Season 5 or 6. It's one I wouldn't skip if you're watching this for ASPD reasons, but House *does* try and separate himself from a "true sociopath" so be ready for some stigma. Also please note that this show is from around 2004. Lots of flip phones, ha ha ha, but also lots of excess stigma on things, somewhat homophobic and transphobic jokes, etc. Although, it is worth noting that it is a symptom of House's ASPD to make these jokes - he expects that they know he is not serious because of his tone and doesn't, due to lack of empathy, understand that these jokes are hurtful even when people know you don't believe what you're joking about to be true. He builds his team around making sure they can handle that part of him, which is a pretty decent thing to do, in my opinion, even though the right thing to do would be to change the behavior. But yeah, shitty early 2000's humor incoming with this show. I still 100% feel it is worth the watch, but I am white and thus have the privilege of feeling comfortable while watching it. Black people especially may be really (understandably) unable to feel comfortable watching this because the person that House worries is most similar to him and thus most threatening to his position is Foreman, who is a Black man, and thus many of House's "it's ok because he knows I don't believe it" jokes are targetting Foreman and many times they are racist jokes. He in no way solely targets Foreman, but that is there and it is extremely frequent. When you meet people named Taub and Thirteen, Jewish and fellow LGBT people will join the club in being potentially seriously uncomfortable with these jokes. I could handle watching it, ymmv.

The third and somewhat problematic lil sister, Wednesday (2022) - Hear me out, it is so good, imo, but I cannot interact with the fandom on this one and it loses serious points because of that. The reason that I can't? The entire fandom has decided that Wednesday Addams, a long-time rare ASPD coded girl, is autistic and "through the lens of Tim Burton" vs acknowledging that she is ASPD coded. Everything that can be an autistic trait, many have cherry-picked as proof she is autistic, and they openly choose to ignore a major step in diagnosis, making sure that the symptoms are not better described elsewhere. I will concede she may be autistic (although tbh I don't think so bc of her serious lack of stimming, - and no the SINGLE DANCE SCENE AT A SCHOOL DANCE doesn't count - lack of meltdowns, and affinity for sitting perfectly still don't read autistic imo), but she has ASPD. A literal therapist talks to her about "the source of (her) antisocial traits" and because she is a child, that is the closest thing to a diagnosis of ASPD she can be given. The girl is loudly ASPD coded just like the character Wednesday Addams always has been.

Further, there is a point to be made about the ASPD coded character being given her own show for it to turn out to be a m*rder mystery as well as her obsession with everything dark, broody, bloody, and macabre. Admittedly, in The Addams Family, that's everyone in her family not just the ASPD coded one but in Wednesday, she is the only character who likes those things so it's a bit ick in that regard. Still, I relate a lot to her and always have and people used to try n bully me in school by calling me Wednesday but my mom showed me it and said I reminded her of Wednesday as a compliment when I was little and I always took it as one after that even when I knew they meant it in a mean way.

Unfortunately, ASPD, unlike many disorders, is not underrepresented in media. It is overrepresented in the worst ways possible. Every other book or movie I can find is full of stereotypes, mean-spirited commentary, and m*rder. There might be something to be said about a character from It's Always Sunny, but that show is a major trigger for me so I haven't been able to watch it to tell, and Lisa from Girl, Interrupted (book or movie) is just... painfully bad but well-loved rep. Like, I love her, but holy crap girlfriend, how did you manage to add stigma in a book and movie about destigmatizing mental health?

The fact that even counting bad but well-loved representation I can still count all of it on one hand sucks, and if anyone has more I am begging you to share in replies.

[azalynestudios]

(I don't have a tumblr so you'll have to deal with anonymity, I'm afraid) What I came to ask you: when will you admit that you have lost the drive and motivation to continue the project? It has been made clear by now that you bit off more than you can chew, both by constant delays and excuses and by how the writing quality in alpha version have steadily deteriorated. I don't want yo be mean, but someone had to say it. Whatever interest and hype there were for your game, they're mostly gone.

I seriously debated whether I should answer this one or not. Not because I’m not on board with full honesty, but because there’s enough unhappy things in the world and I have been purposefully trying to keep my personal unhappy away from everyone here because you are all so lovely.

But ultimately I decided I should respond just in case there’s lots of people thinking the same thing.

Here’s a short version for people who aren’t up for a discussion of health/mental health/world talk/real talk (and don’t feel bad if that is you!): I have 100% not lost interest or drive for the game. Although it has been taking much longer than anticipated, It’s coming along. And while your opinion on the writing quality may vary, I personally think these last weeks have some of the best moments in the game. If it’s not to your taste anymore or you are sick of waiting, that’s totally fair. Thank you for your support this far and I wish you all the best!

okay the rest under the happy kittens cut:

Okay, real talk time, full disclosure. With a possible side of TMI.

So I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone when I admit that I haven’t been as great about responding in a timely fashion and this last update took way longer to complete than I would ever have guessed. And it’s recently gotten out of hand in a way I am deeply ashamed of. I feel very much like I have let you all down and I am really truly very sorry. It doesn’t have anything to do with any of you, you have all been (for the most part) completely lovely and kind and patient.

So here the honest story of how we got here.

-So despite everything, I definitely underestimated how much increasing work every week would take. Like I knew it would compound but I didn’t have any idea HOW MUCH it could compound. A big part of the delays is just how much more complicated everything is to write in these later parts of the game. It’s no exaggeration to say just this week seven update took HUNDREDS of hours of HARD work. (Some scenes used to be relatively easy to write. Nothing in week seven is fluff, nothing was easy to write.)

-A couple years ago I was getting a massive amount of asks a day. Trying to keep up with everything was seriously cutting into my work time as well as making me feel stressed and always behind. I started to cut back on responding and noticed that delays led to much less asks/emails. Less asks meant less stress. As things got worse for me the temptation to have delays so I didn’t have so much to respond to also got worse. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t working on other things, it just meant I wasn’t updating and answering properly.

-You guys have to remember that except for the art, I am doing 98% of this game completely solo. It is a lot for any game, especially one of this size.

okay with that all in mind, here’s what’s been happening on my end.

-Trump is elected. Faith in humanity takes a major hit. News/internet becomes a trash fire of bad. 

My stress levels and anxiety levels (already high because of the game and always, always feeling like I’m behind and not doing enough) spike to epic levels. I even get a few early gray hairs. (They seem to be gone now, thankfully.)

-For the sake of my mental health I have to drastically cut down on my general internet use and where I go (including tumblr, sadly)

-My health starts to take mysterious nosedives. For like 6 months I’m having serious stomach pain that is keeping me up at night. I’m also puking 3-6 times a week during this time. 

Things start to get better and I get back on track.

-My grandma dies out of nowhere from a brain aneurysm. I don’t get into my family situation on purpose, but my grandma is the only person in my entire giant family outside of my mom and my brothers that I have ever really believed actually cared about/loved me as I am.

And presto, I’m back in a bad place.

My stomach issues finally work themselves out, but my immune system still hasn’t recovered. I’m getting minor infections, colds and flus at least once or twice a month even now. 

All this time I have been working hard both on the game and on getting my mental and physical health back on track. I have my good moments and my bad.

There are two major ways how all of this has affected the game/my communication with you guys. 

1) Like I said, everything is 100% me. If I’m sick or in an anxiety spiral there is no one else to take over to communicate or bug check or whatever. Progress is completely tied to me. Which leads to the next point…

2) There’s a really bad loop. When I’m feeling anxious/stressed/depressed I can’t get everything done that I want to. Which leads to me feeling like shit/super guilty. Which leads to more anxiety and stress. And a deep, deep fear that when I check my email/asks, it will be full of people who are mad at me or disappointed or whatever, and the cycle continues.

I don’t say any of this to make anyone feel bad, or guilty or anything. In my good place, I truly love communicating with you guys and I truly think you are the most amazing people ever.

And I don’t say this as an ‘excuse’ in the sense that I think any of it is anyone’s responsibility to handle but my own. No one is obligated to wait for this game or for me. When I took money, I was taking on a professional obligation. All failures to live up to that and handle things in a more professional and responsible manner are on me and I deeply apologize for not being live up to your expectations. 

But no matter how bad things were for me, I never for a moment thought about on giving up on the game. And I promise you, I will finish the game. And it’s honestly very close. (Not that I don’t anticipate the epilogues and million game ending variations to take a long time to write and debug) but compared to where we started we have come lightyears.

You can be assured that everything that has happened during this development I have learned from and taken from heart. I now have a much better idea of what works for me and what doesn’t. In the future, if I manage enough support and interest to continue this as a career, I won’t be making the same mistakes again. Rather than doing a backer/alpha system I most likely will only release major news/announce games when they are close to finished. 

Thank you all for your patience support and interest all this time. 

(p.s. While I appreciate your concern in advance, I assure I am already on top of what I can to work things out on my end. While I appreciate your good wishes, no health/mental health advice please. Thank you! <3)