#hopefully i'll settle into a better routine soon...

[accirax]

Disventure Camp All Stars Power Ranking (Round 7)

Alright, time for another power ranking... in space? Looks like it's going to be all stars for our All Stars. There, now if they don't make that joke in the episode, I've made it for them.

In case you haven't seen my previous power rankings ( 5 | 6 ), the Power Ranking Format is essentially a way of ranking how well each player is doing in the game. So, in essence, this is a long form way of predicting who I think will be eliminated from the competition in the next episode. There will be spoilers for last week's episode (obviously) and its power ranking, so make sure to read that first if you don't want to be spoiled on how I ranked our last boot. If you want more clarification on the rules, that first post will help you out as well. Furthermore, I'm going to be spoiling the preview for next episode, so if you want to go in TOTALLY blind, save this for later. Let's go!

Recap - Fiore's Elimination

Current Point Total: 18 acquired/29 possible

So. That was sad.

And I mean that purely from a point of my personal enjoyment, not a critique of the writing. I feel like I've seen some people claim that Fiore's elimination was a bad move writing-wise, and while I respect their opinion, I can't say I entirely agree. I still think that believing Fiore could be this season's winner wasn't a completely ridiculous idea-- the main reason why I thought that could be the case is because she was framed as sympathetic as compared to Hunter, as opposed to in S1 where she was a full villain. I still think that Ashley's attitude regarding Fiore is... a bit misguided, given that the only "revenge" she has to get on Fiore is for Fiore outsmarting her in the game of smarts.

However, in retrospect, even if Fiore reunited with Alec, I'm not really sure what she would be doing for the rest of the season that wouldn't just be a total retread of her prior content. If Fiore and Alec quickly regrouped and became allies again, then they would play the rest of the contestants in the exact same way they did in S1. If they didn't regroup, or even did on only tentative terms, then they wouldn't have the numbers, and Fiore likely would have been eliminated shortly anyways. Knowing what I know now, Fiore seems like one of those characters who has the edit to be the winner, but not the actual social standings to make it that far. I will still absolutely miss my favorite character, but she already got her chance to shine in S1, and I can always rewatch that if I want to see her dominate again.

As for my predictions... well, I'm really talented at putting the boot in 9th place, huh? I mean, it gets closer and closer to accurate every time, so I can't really complain. What's interesting to me is that what I did correctly totally flipped between Connor and Fiore. For Connor, I was correct in assessing that Yellow had bad vibes, but did a terrible job determining who on Yellow would get axed. For Fiore, I was totally wrong in predicting a Cyan tribal, but at least I managed to determine which member of Magenta would go home if they did face elimination. Hopefully next time, I'll be able to synthesize the good points as opposed to tripping into both of my pitfalls. Although, I'm a little worried...

Trailer Analysis

... Because, what the hell is this preview? Don't get me wrong: the episode looks really fun, and I'm super excited for it! But, in terms of content, I'm having a hard time discerning anything of note. Let's see what we can get out of this trailer.

So, obvious starting point; this episode is space themed. I'm guessing that the teams all have to race to these escape pods, completing challenges along the way. The outfits look great, and I'm very impressed by the number of outfits per character they're introducing this season. Keeping their 2D riggers in business, I suppose...? The outfits seem to be at least somewhat inspired by Star Trek, although, I think there's actually a bigger inspiration behind this episode that I haven't personally seen anyone else mention yet...

This episode seems to be really inspired by Among Us??? I only played the game, like, once, so I could be totally off. But, there appear to be many, many challenges that mirror Among Us' minigames. Here's Ally swiping a card...

Here's a door quite similar to the doors in... at least some maps? (Tom is holding a tablet, which we also see Ally and Jake fighting over, that may report each team's tasks).

There are multiple scenes depicting what appear to be a power outage, which is something that happens periodically in the game. Jake is fixing it, just like a crewmate would(?).

I think that you usually fix wires instead of cutting them in Among Us, but the similarity still stands. This is the Among Us episode. If the eliminated character gets fucking ejected I swear to god--

This arcade setting intrigues me because, as far as I know, arcades are common to neither Among Us or Star Trek. That could mean that this arcade was placed here for a highly specific Disventure Camp reason. Is it here to distract Ally? Can players flunk the challenge to find an advantage within the machines? Or are there just particular tasks/games that they wanted to throw in this episode that needed to be at an arcade?

The fact that we see Derek but NOT Trevor in this trailer intrigues me. It's quite possible that Trevor was fully left behind on Earth, and Krystal only recruited Derek for this space mission. Talk about being worlds apart.

Aiden and Jake will have a chat, albeit possibly only briefly. Were they separated from their teams by something? It looks like Jake might be trying to make amends (given that, if Tom "has a boyfriend," Tom definitely isn't into Aiden either), but Aiden is still hesitant to believe in/work with him. Notably, this is during the power outage.

Tom reads from a piece of paper in the arcade, which could fit with the idea that there's some special game/challenge that can only be completed in the arcade. I don't even want to know what Ellie would do with a totem at this point (/pos).

Like I alluded to earlier, Ally and Jake are definitely fighting in this episode. I'll talk more about my theories on that in both of their sections (and probably Ashley's as well).

These two continue to be iconic. I'm SO here for it, honestly.

"I knew it... I knew it! We're all gonna die...!"

Back to Among Us for a moment, one major aspect of that game is the Imposter; the traitor hidden amongst the cast trying to kill them all. Aiden's quote here could easily be in regards to a role like that existing within DC. Then again, I really have no idea how they would implement that. Would the Imposter be one of the contestants, and, if so, does that person get any additional advantages or protections in tribal? If that is the case, then I guess I'd predict that Grett or Ellie might be the Imposter, just because we didn't see a whole lot of them in the trailer. Or, could the Imposter be someone more like Trevor or Nina? That would make more sense from a fairness angle, but neither of them could really pretend to be a contestant and get away with it, as far as I'm aware.

Another really interesting thing about this preview is that, as far as I can tell, every single scene comes from the challenge. If the losing team does stick around on the ship to eject someone, then it's possible that some scenes are sneakily from after the challenge has ended. Still, there's not a single shot of camp. I wouldn't be surprised if the episode cold opens on the challenge, with the campers "waking up" on the spaceship and having no idea how they got there. At the very least, the challenge is going to take up a HUGE chunk of the episode.

The fact that we can't really tell what's part of the challenge and what's not makes it really hard to tell which team would wind up losing, and, to an extent, which relationships are going to receive particular focus. Even though I was wrong last time, I at least thought I had a leading theory on which team could lose the ball challenge. This trailer gives me no inclinations as to whether Cyan, Magenta, or Yellow is headed to tribal. Therefore, a lot of my analysis will likely be based off of who I think is most likely to make it to the merge, with that based on what story lines they have to expand upon in a merged setting. We have to be merging pretty soon, right...?

This will be a challenge. I'll try my best!

Power Ranking

#1: Ashley

In my mind, Ashley is 100% safe in this upcoming episode. I’ve already said that I think Ashley will make the merge this time, and I still believe that’s true. For Ashley to even be viable for elimination, Magenta would have to cut themselves down to TWO PEOPLE, which seems pretty unlikely on the writers' end. And, even if they did, with the way that the preview shows Jake and Ally, I find it really difficult to believe that the two of them would suddenly work together to eliminate the person that both of them feel closer to. More likely, in a Magenta tribal, it would come down to who Ashley feels more comfortable moving forward with… and Ashley obviously feels comfortable working with herself. No riding off into the sunset yet.

#2: Alec

Pretty much everything I said last week about Alec still holds true this week, because the Yellow tribe’s dynamics didn’t change much between this week and the last. If anything, Alec’s situation possibly got getter, because 1) he proved that he’s useful in challenges, and 2) he grew closer to Riya, to the point that she’s more of a genuine ally than just “not already in a pair.” I guess those strengths could also be reasons to target him, but now that Riya probably prefers Alec to Grett and Yul, the trio turning on him feels even more unrealistic.

#3: Tom

Tom really just keeps ping-ponging across my list, doesn’t he? Well, this time his move is motivated by the spicy content revealed in last week’s episode. Tom has a boyfriend! … Or, more likely, he doesn’t. In either case, wouldn’t it would be sort of weird to have him sent home without ANY further development on that plot line?

Okay, fine, that’s not entirely fair. Tom explaining why he ignored Jake throughout this game so far could theoretically be his swan song before clearing the stage for Jake and Aiden to have beef without him. However, I’m, like, 99% sure that Tom made up that boyfriend on the spot, and if THAT’S the case, it would be weird for him to go home without ever facing the consequences of his actions, whether or not Jake is there with him.

Tom also lost the whole “regretful, I’m going to ask to be sent home because I feel so badly about how I treated Jake these past few years” angle that I thought he might’ve had last episode. That puts Tom back in a safer spot for as long as he has Aiden as a shield. I don’t think he’s going home anymore, so he’s here.

#4: Tess

There’s still a possibility that Tess could get caught in the “indecision results in elimination” sinkhole, but now that Tess knows that Ellie is part of the villains alliance (and didn’t tell her), I have a hard time believing that the choice would be so impossible for her. The thing that was swaying her towards Ellie's side was not wanting to ruin her outside-of-game friendship with Ellie, so if she believes that Ellie is backtracking on that already, she'd be less likely to remain loyal.

Furthermore, her little moment with Ally last episode could be considered enough content for a justified elimination, but... was it, really? They talked for, like, thirty seconds, and not even about themselves. Now that Hunter has been eliminated, All Stars is wide open with opportunities for Tess and Ally to bond without their relationship hinging around Hunter. Their one conversation so far has still mostly been about Hunter, so eliminating Tess here would sadly close that door. Losing Ally would obviously close that door too, but... uh...

#5: Ally

Here’s my declaration that, in case of a Magenta tribal, I think that Ashley would very likely flip on Jake to work with Ally.

The preview seems to foreshadow Jake acting pretty childishly next episode. He’s bickering with Ally, presumably still over who is Ashley’s closest comrade. (If the episode starts with everyone waking up in space, I wonder if Ashley and Jake won’t get to have their conversation before the challenge begins.) Given all of the allusions to Among Us, I would really suspect that Ally is going to be an MVP of this particular challenge. Therefore, if the team loses, it would be a direct result of Jake’s insecurities dragging their team down. That kind of behavior, in my opinion, could sway Ashley’s mind.

Ally’s elimination here continues to feel pretty random to me. I know I was wrong when I claimed that Connor wouldn’t go home from the Yellow team because his elimination would be too clear cut… but Ally still feels the same way to me now! It's hard to get around that assumption! Aaaaaaaa!

#6: Grett

Placing Grett ANYWHERE feels bad to me, because, in my opinion, there are mildly compelling reasons for her character to stay or go.

First, my reasons why I think Grett could be eliminated. Mostly, there's just a part of me that feels like she's the most expendable member of the Yellow Team left. Alec, Riya, and Yul still seem like they all have Big Villain Things left to do, and as the least villainous of the quartet, there might not be room for Grett moving forward. As I said before, I can better imagine Yul's character without Grett than Grett's character without Yul.

There are also some other oddities I've been noticing as I've retreaded s1 via Silly Billy's interviews. Grett and Gabby's relationship was, like, really important to S1, and it left off on kind of a bad note. Presumably, if the two of them were ever put onto the same (merged) tribe again, they'd have some sort of notable reaction to each other. But, to my memory, Grett and Gabby haven't interacted this season at all. Are they just saving any turbulence the two of them might have for once they actually hit the same beach? Or does the fact that no Gabby/Grett plotline has been set up imply that they never will have any notable content together?

On the other hand, there are my reasons why I think Grett would stay. Although I do think that a Grett-less Yul still makes more sense, I do think that the particular situation that Grett is in right now could lead to a more interesting predicament for her. After axing Connor, the Yellow Team is comprised only of villains. That means, if they have to vote someone out, the villains' alliance will have to cannibalize one of their own. If Grett does turn the tide of the vote against Yul, she would be in a really interesting position with the rest of the villains. She's kind of turned against them by voting out her own boyfriend, but it would only be with their consent that he was taken down in the first place. In a merge scenario, does she explore alliances with potentially hostile outsiders, or does she stick with the treacherous villain's alliance?

The bigger thing is that I just don't really think that there are the numbers for a Grett elimination right now. Yul had way more of a chance of throwing votes on Grett when 1) Connor could be down to vote for anyone who wasn't him, and 2) he could appeal to any desire Alec and/or Riya had to save Connor to sway their votes. Now... why the hell would Alec and Riya decide that they want to work with Yul over Grett? Other than "entertainment," anyways. Now that the target on S1 girls' backs has shrunk a little, I feel better about Grett's longevity. But, I still don't feel confident either way, so she winds up in the top half... barely.

#7: Riya

Riya, too, could go both ways. Her newfound friendship/alliance with Alec implies some further content for her. However, Riya did get a lot of time to "shine" (subject to viewer opinion) in S2, so her run could be coming to a close soon. Her selfish attitude certainly hasn't changed, so if something happened to make Alec grow sick of her, the other three could unite against her.

Something that I think gives Riya the edge over Grett, at least, is that she does have a relationship with someone on another tribe that could be expanded upon later: Aiden. In the first episode of All Stars, Aiden and Riya fight, and she shoves him off the plane. That easily could just be for laughs, or to show off a rivalry that's too potent to sweep under the rug, but it could also be setup for the pair clashing once again in All Stars.

But, in the end, I think a Yellow vote would come down to the Alec/Riya and Yul/Grett pairs clashing, with Riya and Yul on the chopping block for elimination due to being the looser cannons. So, between Riya and Grett, I put Riya lower.

#8: Yul

As you can see, I had a really hard time distinguishing between Riya and Yul. Grett, too— all of them have somewhat compelling reasons for being kicked out, but nothing so concrete that it makes me say, “now THAT’S the next boot.” I just have to hope that Yellow isn’t going to tribal next, which… I think will be the case? Maybe? Who knows.

While I do think that Yul will be a major villain of the season, there’s still a decent change that that role will be reserved for solely Alec, Ellie, or both of them. The rule of threes could come back to bite Yul if, now that he’s used the earpiece twice, the third time leads to his elimination. And, he is really unliked, so I would understand why the other villains would choose to eliminate him.

One interesting possibility I thought of would be if Alec and Riya and Grett and Yul refuse to turn on each other, resulting in a tie vote. Yul was involved in a tie vote in S2, where he beat Maggy in rock paper scissors to stay in the game. It would be kind of poetic if Yul was thrown into a tiebreaker again, and lost this time. That’s why I put him below Riya. But, on the whole, I don’t THINK Yul is going home. Probably…? This power ranking is a mess.

#9: Jake

My lowest non-Cyan entry. I suppose that, despite all the fussing, I’m still thinking that their large group must be the next to cut a number. But we’re not here to talk about Cyan, we’re here to talk about Magenta! And Jake, who could be doing something… troublesome in the next episode.

Despite the leaps and bounds he’s been making in the communication department (which I’m honestly so proud of him for), Jake’s biggest flaw still is and will be his jealousy and insecurity. It’s what put him in hot water with Aiden, it’s quite possibly what drew Tom away from him in the first place, and it’s what’s causing him now to want to fight with Ally for Ashley’s affections. If, as I said before, his flaws are directly causing the team to lose, he might get cut.

Granted, it would be a little weird to cut Jake before he learns that Tom was lying (assuming Tom was). However, that COULD still be resolved at a later point with Jake either on the sidelines, fighting to get back into the competition, or in the fabled Loser's Motel episode (assuming Tom has been eliminated by that point as well). Because Aiden also heard Tom's lies, Tom can still suffer the consequences of his actions with Jake gone.

Despite all this, I think the season would be better with Jake's continued involvement in it, so I hope he doesn't go out next episode. The curse of the #9 slot is... just a superstition, right...?

#10: Ellie

Is this just because I’m salty that I put her in last twice and she still hasn’t gone home yet? Well, maybe a little bit. But also, the fact that she HASN’T been eliminated, and has continued to do more villainous things (especially towards Jake) each episode, has started to sway me to believe that she might be in it for a longer haul. Would they really need this much build up to justify Ellie as a pre-merge boot?

Because, like, they’re putting SO MUCH FOCUS into her being a villain. Her negative arc could get cut off now, but it would mean that all of that time spent showing her tormenting Jake specifically would have no bearings on her elimination, because Jake can't be involved in her vote right now.

I still think that Ellie will be eliminated on the sooner end, but I now kind of think that she might be the first boot after the merge. Then, everyone that Ellie has wronged (who is still in the competition) can band together to send her packing. That would also be even juicier on Gabby's end (assuming she is still in the competition), because it would hammer in that everyone is against her.

For Ellie to be eliminated as the merge boot, she has to survive this episode, which is why I moved her up a little from the bottom. However, I can still obviously see why Ellie could be eliminated now, so she doesn't stray too far from the bottom.

#11: Aiden

Surprised to see Aiden this low? Me too, kind of. The reason he's this low has to do with a specific scenario that I think could happen next episode, so bear with me as I get a bit more conspiratorial than usual in these power rankings.

So, the challenge is probably Among Us tasks, right? But, we saw the paper that Tom read in the arcade, which might be an advantage. So, something that I believe might happen next episode is that Ellie and Gabby will abandon their team to go advantage hunting in the arcade, and their lack of participation will cause the Cyan Team to lose. With Ellie clearly playing for herself, both in the villain's alliance and in the arcade, she's the obvious target. However, if Ellie manages to find an immunity totem, she could save herself. And, if she did, who would go home other than her biggest target, Aiden?

I really love Aiden as a comedic force in this season-- the way that he's just chilling and having fun despite all the drama always makes me laugh-- but he doesn't have a whole lot to do other than be an obstacle between Jake and Tom. I'm worried that the conversation with Jake as shown in the trailer could be a bad sign for him. Unlike Jake and Ally, Jake and Aiden weren't shown to be super hostile with one another, which means Aiden might hearing Jake out here. If he did, I could see Aiden feeling sympathy for Jake after hearing more of his side of the story, and some of the worse things that Tom has done. That could close their chapter of hostility while leaving Tom and Jake to now sort things out on their own.

Another thing that's made me feel more iffy about Aiden's chances was learning that the reason why James may have been eliminated early (and maybe not done Patreon reads) was just because his voice actor was super busy. If that's the case, then I'd really doubt that James would be coming back as a returning competitor, which would mean Aiden doesn't have that "shield" anymore. Furthermore, I hadn't really thought about what would happen after James and Aiden were back in the game together. Assuming they don't both make the final 3 again, one or both of them would need to be eliminated at some point. But, like, how? When? I think (and hope) that Odd Nation Cartoons wants to keep the Jaiden relationship sacred, which means that the two of them would kinda just be enjoying the competition together. That's really sweet, but it's 1) an in-universe threat to the other players, and 2) not that juicy for out-of-universe viewers. Honestly, I wouldn't be too surprised if they both got canned in a double elimination not long after James returned. But, is that really what they would want from their returning player?

I dunno, I'm probably thinking about this too hard in both directions. Aiden could still have a bright future ahead of him even if James doesn't return, and he could also be eliminated without all that totem nonsense if Tess simply chose to side with Gabby and Ellie. I think there's a definite possibility for a surprise Aiden boot, though, so he's a lowly sacrificial lamb. Even he thinks he's going to die, soooo...

#12: Gabby

I... really don't have a justification for this one in terms of game mechanics. It just feels like the right vibes to me? Gabby is the player that I can most easily see a merge without, so now she's at the bottom.

Like I said back at Grett, the fact that Grett and Gabby's relationship hasn't really been expanded upon could be bad for both of them. I'm once again back to thinking that the slight erasure of Gabby's more negative traits could be to make her a more well-liked unfortunate exit. I'd prefer it if the writers took her in more of the woman scorned direction, but, is that really going to happen...?

Returning to the totem scenario, I do think that has a chance to take out Gabby as well. If Gabby and Ellie made it really obvious that they found some sort of advantage (by being absent from completing tasks), Aiden, Tom, and Tess could secretly switch their vote to Gabby and make Ellie burn her idol on herself in a tribal where she gets to votes. It's the potential for that poetic cinema-- Gabby played her idol on Ellie to save her in S1, but Ellie doesn't play her idol on Gabby to save her in S2-- that makes me really like this possibility, unlikely as it may be. Similarly, I like how it eliminates Gabby, who thus far appears to be a less important character this season than Ellie, while still having the other three Team members intend to target the logical biggest threat. They just can't do it directly, in this scenario.

But, still, I don't like putting Gabby in last place just because of one kind of cool scenario I thought of, hinging on a totem that may or may not be in play. The thing is, I just have a hard time thinking that we're about to lose anyone at this point. Everyone feels so important!

And, honestly, this preview confused me so much that I could really see anyone Tess downward going home and not be too surprised about it. That's scary when it comes to making this ranking. I might take a point hit this week, but... maybe I also nailed it! I'm very excited to see where this episode takes us. Thanks for reading!

[russellsppttemplates]

A little hope (Part 2) (Lando Norris)

In which Lando realises he learnt a few things in school, and yet the only way to learn about you is hoping you'll have him by your side

Note: english is not my first language. This is part two of A little hope, which got a lot of love, so thank you for that 😊 hopefully you enjoy this ending! Thank you so much for the love on that piece ✨️

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Tw: mentions a couple's fight, self deprecation moments, body image insecurity, signs and symptoms of anxiety, online hate comments, sickness, curse words, allusions to smut

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog

Somatic or not, your stomach was not handling any food. The minute you ate something, you were sure to bring if up a few moments later since you had arrived home, "for fuck's sake", you groaned, resting your head on your forearm on the edge of the toilet, taking a deep breath.

When you felt strong enough, you walked back to your bed, noticing the clock was reading six in the morning already. Rolling to the other side, you hoped you'd be able to sleep it off, but when your alarm rung, you felt even worse than before.

Getting your phone again along with your glasses, you opened the Team's group chat, writing a quick text to let them know that you didn't feel well and you wouldn't be able to join them today and that you would try your best to get ahead on the projects you could work on remotely. A few minutes later, Tara and Max texted back.

Tara TQ

I'm sorry to hear that, Y/N, I hope you feel better soon! Don't worry about anything else other than getting better! 💚

Max

Feel better soon, Y/N! Don't worry about work, we've got it!

A good while later you woke up again, feeling slightly better, you had enough energy to eat some plain crackers and drink some tea, feeling that it was actually settling in your stomach for the first time in the last couple of hours.

Taking in the stride, you went to the bathroom, hoping a shower would clean the night sweats away and give you a little boost. Just in case, you supported yourself on the wall, keeping close to it just in case your legs faltered while you let the water cascade down your hair to your back and legs, washing your hair quickly and rinsing your body wash from your skin. You wrapped your fluffy robe around your body and a towell for your hair, laying in bed to rest a little.

Skipping your usual routine, you dressed in some comfy clothes, a hoodie you had stolen from Lando and some plaid pyjama pants, inhaling the comforting scent. That was something you should think about, it wasn't fair to leave Lando waiting for you, and you needed to sort it out.

As if on cue, your doorbell rang, leaving you to think it was the mailman with a package for your neighbours as you would often take it for them whenever they weren't home.

"Hi! Are you Y/N Y/L/N?", a guy that looked a few years older than you checked, "yes, that's me", you squinted, "I have this, it was ordered for you. Enjoy it!", he said as he handed you a takeout bag.

Thanking him, you closed the door, seeing a little note attached to the bag.

This is a little something to help you get better soon. There's some chicken soup, pasta when you feel up to it, something sweet and some tea bags.

Love you, Lando 🤍

Smiling at the little note, your heart squeezed as you realised that the subject shouldn't go past this week.

While you heated up the soup, you grabbed your phone, opening your conversation with Lando so you could thank him.

I just got the takeout bag, thank you. I'm slowly coming back to feeling better, it's probably some forty-eight hour bug and my body telling me to slow down.

I think we should talk soon, whenever you have the time, tough. There's no rush!

I love you ✨️

"So, today we're taking over the stream!", Lando announced to the camera, smiling and waving as the chat went wild.

"We are just going to game, I think, as there has been a change of plans and we don't really know how to follow up to what we had planned to do", Max referred to the planned stream for Quadrant. The original idea came from the fans as they wanted to get to know the behind the scenes of the team, and just for luck, this week was for Graphic Design.

"We're making do with what we have, and as soon as we're able, we'll do the behind the scenes for all the graphic designing things that go on at Quadrant!", Lando smiled sympathetically, the memory of you fond as your message sparked his hope, and the chat didn't seem to mind it too much.

I was hoping to see Y/N and Lando call me single in eighteen different languages, but I really do miss her

I take it she didn't even bother to show up, she's learnt her lesson I guess

Wasn't Y/N supposed to join them?

You can tell by Lando's face that he misses her, they're so cute together

It looks better like this, honestly

Imagine having to call your boyfriend to tell him that you can't show up to work

She probably doesn't even work, Lando has someone doing the job while she sits still and looks pretty

What do you mean? She doesn't even look pretty ??

Maybe she's ill or had something else to do? Can't you people be a little bit more empathetic and kind for once?

Max noticed how his bestfriend's attention was on the chat, looking at the same flood of comments he did before clearing his throat, "so, do we feel like racing or are we leaning towards another game?", he interjected, pulling Lando away from the screen slightly, "you choose, I'm not fancying anything particular. Only that I know that I'll beat you at anything", he chuckled.

Once they ended the stream, Lando tidied the room a little bit as Max switched the equipment off, "is that what you were talking about the other day? About Y/N?", he questioned.

"Yes. We have been talking to the platform managers, but they haven't restricted everything apparently", Max said, knowing better than to not tell him the truth.

"Who do they think they are to say things like that about someone they don't know? I get that I receive such things because I'm out there, but Y/N is barely a public person! She doesn't deserve that!", Lando huffed.

"Have you guys talked about it yet?", he questioned, having noticed that Lando hadn't texted you in the group chat but that he had a spring up in his step that afternoon.

"She texted me today, actually. We've been keeping to ourselves, we weren't in the right mind to discuss what needs to be discussed until now", he smiled, "I'm still unsure of going to see her today or tomorrow, since she's sick I don't want to bother her too much, and I could use someone else's perspective because I have a funny way with words and I don't want to get it wrong because I'm not a book worm and seem almost illiterate on any good day", he admitted.

"That's good, mate! Start going then, we're thinking out loud", Max encouraged, happy to see friend in high spirits. Because he had known him for so long, Max knew how different this relationship was from his past ones. They weren't bad or wrong, and they helped shape Lando into who he is and how he behaves. The way he cared about Y/N was different and Max couldn't find it in him and lie about the fact that he thought the young woman was it.

"Like you said, it's the fact that she's lost her name because of who she dates. All of a sudden, none of her achievements are valuable, worthy or even acknowledged because she's my girlfriend. Our relationship had nothing to do with her employment - hell, I only met her because she applied, otherwise Goodness knows where I would've met the love of my life - and, and I've been doing this thing where I just call her my girlfriend and I now understand that can be discrediting of her, like I just see her as my girlfriend. But the more I think about it, the more I realise I do it out of genuine pride of her. Look at me! I'm a muppet and I drive around in circles in the weekends, and she! That woman, this woman!", he showed him his lockscreen, a picture of the two of you, "she is the most talented person I've met and I'm so proud that I'm hers and she's mine!".

"I think you're underestimating yourself a little, but you've also played above your game", he chuckled, "and about the comments?", he wondered. Even though it wasn't your biggest concern, he knew one person could only muster up so much before letting it get to them.

"Like you said, we'll work with the platforms, if we have her permission we can also put out a statement about it. With her or anyone on the team, we don't tolerate offense", Lando said, "I want to make this as safe as possible, and the fact that it took her for us to notice it is a learning curve".

"Now you just need to be concise about it", Max tapped his back, "I'm sure she loves that babble situation of yours, thinks it's cute and all, but explain well enough", he smirked.

Like he thought, when he texted you to know how you were feeling, he got your reply awhile later saying that you were feeling better and the nap you had was helpful, and then another one saying he could swing by the next day if he wanted to.

Hoping the night made you feel better, Lando texted you the time he was planning to join you, scheduling his training session for the late morning so he could have a good lunch after his shower and get his plans started. You weren't swooned by big dates or big gestures, but rather small meaningful heartfelt things, so he stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some medication to restock your stash and your favourite chocolate.

"Hey, love", you smiled as you opened the door, seeing an equally smiling Lando, "come in, come in", you nudged as he stepped forward, eyes meeting a silently giving consent for a kiss on the cheek.

Silently, Lando left his trainers by the door, walking hand in hand with you to the living room, "are you feeling back to 100%?", he questioned as you sat down on the sofa, on your sides so you could face eachother while his hand played with yours still.

"Yes. I'm glad it's Saturday and I don't have to take any more days, and I can rest up without feeling guilty. And you, how have you been?", you wondered back, not knowing if he wanted to jump straight in the topic.

"I've been well. I was a little worried when you said you were sick, but now I'm better knowing that you're doing well... and that you're ready to tall about us", he blushed, eyes looking into yours.

"I want to thank you for waiting and understanding, and I want to apologise if in this mean time something I did hurt you or made you feel like you weren't welcomed in my life", you gulped, "I'm not used to feeling so little - fuck, I've never been called that - and I spiralled out to the point where I could only think that, through no fault of your own or my own, I'd lose my identity. I'd be Lando's girlfriend, and not Y/N, and I freaked out a little", you explained.

"You had your reasons, love. I'm just glad and thankful that you feel comfortable to tell me how you feel", Lando comforted, bringing your hand up to his lips as he kissed the soft skin.

"I didn't know you felt that way. Maybe I didn't see it or didn't want to see it, the way people were talking about you - and that is something we are going to figure out once for all - but I missed it. Whenever I say you're my girlfriend, it's not because that's just who you are. It's the fact that I'm incredibly proud of you, than I can't believe your my girlfriend and I just say it because I like to show you off, too!

"I learned so much stuff in school despite what I may appear to know, subtracting and multiplying with decimals, all of the capital cities, even though I'm still shit at them, yet, no one taught me how to prepare for this, for you, for how I feel about you. And I'm so proud of you that I tell it to everyone that you're my girlfriend, not because you're just that, but because I love you and you're so amazing", he exhaled out. Even though he had his usually silly tone, there was deep seriousness in his words still.

"You're confident, I love that about you, and to know that indirectly I was the person to put a dent in that makes me wonder if you should stick around me, because I don't want to ever hurt you. And maybe this is selfish, but I don't want to live without you. Now that I've known what it is like to have you in my life, to be yours, I don't want anyone else", he gulped at his own admission. Throughout the years, he learnt about vulnerability and came to terms with his own. Right now, it was bare for anyone to see.

"I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't your own person, and I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you or disrespect you", he sighed, seeing your watery eyes, "no tears, baby, I can't stand to see you cry", he whispered, cleaning the stray tear that made it's way down your cheek.

"I love you, Lando. I'm the luckiest girl to be able to see you for you, no titles or sponsorships, just you, around your friends and family, see your vulnerability, and I'm the luckiest because I get to be loved by you. So many people around you love you, and I get to be one of those you love back", you scooted closer to him, hands cupping his cheek before you kissed his lips.

"I always want you to be honest with me, baby. Anything you need to tell me, we will fix it, I know we will. I love how you always cry when Boo and Sulley hug for the last time in Monsters Inc. no matter how much times you've seen it, because you always let me know how you feel, and I want that for us. I'll show you how I feel too, and you can nag me when I don't. You're it, Y/N, no one else", he stated, "things people are saying about you are not okay, but Max and I, and the media team, too, are working on something".

"I don't care about who you've dated before, genuinely. But the fact that I'm bombarded everyday with comments regarding my body or my job from people who don't have any knowledge and only want to hurt, it's hard", you admitted, keeping your promise of showing him how you felt.

"You shouldn't because I don't either. I'm with you, and I plan to be with you for as long as you'll have me. I love you, I love your body, I love your personality and everything that you are", he said, getting up as he pulled you with him.

"Up", Lando said as he tapped your hip, helping you jump and wrap your legs around his waist, "where are you taking me?", you giggled, your hands coming to the nape of his neck and fiddling with his curls, "I'm taking you to the bed, and I'm going to love on you for the next couple of hours. We are going to have slow and soft sex, love making if you will, just to show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me".

[mihai-florescu]

Fascinated by alien valkyrie... do happyele really think mixing the two will bring people back? Ive still been playing the eng server because i was already committed to getting new years madara but idk if I'll keep going after that... everything is leaving a bad taste in my mouth but Im sticking around on the periphery at least to see where things go. Morbidly curious.

Also I havent been reading anymore mhyk stories I've just been drained by Everything and then last week my irl that I was gonna watch the anime with got really sick. She's better now so we are gonna watch the first two eps tomorrow but I would like to get back to reading stories... hopefully soon now that things are settling down. -📖

Morbidly curious is my stance too. But to be fair i have never spent money in game, find tiering stupid, and when ppl would ask how to get into enstars id always tell them to read first era instead rather than playing the game so. Well. I still do my starry lives on eng, i wont lie. I wish i never started playing the actual game though, now i struggle to stop when ive had the acc since it was in beta (i did stop playing on the jp server a while ago though since im using eng to read untranslated stories). I will be the first to admit im addicted, and ive overcome past game addictions by telling myself i still have enstars. But im not sure how to stop playing this one now...? I dont want to get into any other game. I read stories with pleasure but playing things is too addictive for me, who lacks routine or purpose otherwise. But this disappointment in recent updates might help me break out of the addiction i hope. Even if enstars still makes me happier than anything and i cant see a world where it's not my special interest~ ill cherish it for what it was to me forever. And even currently i think theres more nuanced than people like to think, given even good rep has been attacked in an attempt to nitpick and get points on estwt. I have complicated feelings on the whole matter that i prefer to keep to myself or close friends. But maybe i already wrote my feelings in those instagram stories i shared from a few days ago and the ask from cookie

Ignore the typo, but these were my feelings from a few days ago irt morbid curiosity. Ive always said im not a fandom account but just a guy with an interest in things - other ppl resonated with my opinions and here we are i suppose. But im critical of a fandom lens in approaching media. My sensitive lone wolf personality, tch... <-joke. Mostly

Aanyway, i think you can wait until a few episodes of mhyk come out to binge them. It starts a bit slow and i was sad it ended so quickly when i watched the first ep. I hope your friend will recover completely from her sickness soon! You said she's better, but still, medical problems are so scary...

Stories will always be here to welcome you back^^ no need to hurry, even though i understand so badly wanting to read but not being in the right mindset or having other issues occupy your time or brainpower instead. I think it took me 4 days to read a 10 chapter story last week, it was baddd. Not the story was bad, my mental state. U get it

[lollipencil]

In The Pale Moonlight: What If....Cloned?

This idea just popped into my head, and seemed real sweet, so @harleyification, hope you like it!

Enjoy and be gentle ---

To say that none of them had expected the atmosphere in the cave when they drove in was an understatement. Jake wasn't a part of the night's mission, but what little he knew, it sounded perfectly routine. Infiltrate and dismantle a hidden lab doing shady shit.

Quick and easy.

Yet tension hung in the Batcave. "Anyone injured?" Jake asked immediately upon exiting his limo. "Nothing worse than some scrapes," Bruce rasped from his chair at the Batcomputer. "Then, what's with that look?" "...It would be better if you saw first."

Seeing as Bruce wasn't giving a straight answer, Jake sighed mentally to a just-woken up Marc and followed him to the curtained medbay. Jake walked through, and stared.

A small child sat on the bed. Her little feet kicked slightly as Jason and Cass taught her the basics of ASL. Behind her, with a gentle and well-practiced hand, Damian was washing grime that had been caked into the fur of her tail. Already cleaned ears on the top of her head showed the shape of colouring of a white tiger.

At Jake's entrance, she turned to blink up at him with very familiar eyes. "Oh hey," Jason greeted casually, "Look who's finally here." "Found baby," Cass signed to Jake with a soft and lightly mischievous smile. "So, you're my dad," the girl stated more than asked. "...Looks like it," Jake eventually managed to get out.

Smoothly, she pushed herself off the bed and walked up to Jake. When she started to make grabby hands, Jake automatically bent to pick her up. Behind his eyes, he could feel Marc as if he were pressed up against a window as he held her close.

Jake let the switch happen, Marc's arms remained firm and gentle around their unexpected child. For a moment, she blinked up at Marc, before settling with her head under his chin with a soft sigh. Tears formed in Marc's eyes at the feeling of her soft ears twitching against his neck. "I take it Oracle's busy with decryption," he whispered. "Indeed," Alfred walked over with an icepack and handed it to Jason, "And until she is done, I think our young Miss would feel more comfortable upstairs. The cookies should still be warm."

As everyone walked into the elevator, Damian took the opportunity to whisper, "If any of you ever treat her anywhere near how Superman initially reacted to Superboy, I will show you true suffering." "We'd let you."

---

Walking home, Greer Nelson could feel that something was going to happen. Anticipation tingled up her spine. Her eyes didn't stop scanning for unseen threats all the way to her door. Then it surged as soon as she closed the door behind her: "I know that you're there." "I know," a voice replied, "I'm just here to talk."

The sight of a Gotham celebrity in a vigilante's garb was not what she'd expected when she flicked the light on in the living room. "Please tell me you're aware that you're not wearing a mask," Greer stated. "Yeah," Marc Spector-Wayne otherwise known as Moon Knight nodded. "And you're maskless in my apartment, because...?"

He swallowed and parted his cape. White tiger ears framed a small face that held his eyes and nose. "Your DNA was used by a...suspect laboratory in Gotham," Marc explained, "We're here about custody." "'We'?" "He might look like only one dad, but he's actually three," their little girl (who's name Greer needed yesterday) piped up. "Part of the agreement is me explaining what she means by that."

For a moment, Greer took this in: "Ok, I'll order pizza, you're paying." At the slackening of Marc's shoulders as he produced his wallet, Greer prepared for a long night. But, hopefully, one that was worth it.

[tokinwrites]

‘You sleep coiled; tightly wound.

Hands are fists beneath pillows,

clenched above cotton sheets.

You are at war, even in your dreams.’

- Rest Achilles

20 BBY

Blaster fire zoomed through the air. Smoke thickly drifted through the battlefield. The groaning of machinery could be heard throughout the night. Republic cruisers drifted across the sky. All of this commotion, yet the Force was still managing to pierce through it all.

Alora took another deep breath. The smell of metal and dirt mixed together dryly. The padawan could sense her Master nearby, chatting with Cody outside a tent. Sighing, Alora stood from her meditative position and hitched her lightsaber onto her belt.

Moving the flap of the entrance to the tent aside, she steps outside and glances to see Obi-Wan now making his way to her. His beige tunics were dirtied and slightly wrinkled in spots, a usual sight nowadays. His white armor was scratched, the red Jedi Order symbol barely noticeable under dirt and being so worn.

“Are you done chatting, Master? The suns have only been set for a couple hours now,” Alora said, smiling and letting the sarcasm seep through.

“Ah, Alora. Not too tired, I hope?” Obi-Wan replied, coming to a stop in front of her.

“Chipper as ever, Master. Though, with this war always roaring in the background, it seems my spirits have been quite low lately,” She teases, settling her hands on her hips.

Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow. He knew she was just being sarcastic, but there was some truth behind her words. This war was not being taken lightly by the Jedi, especially the Padawans. Alora and Ashoka had been through quite a lot for such a young age. And with that, night terrors and sleepless nights accompanied his padawan. Some nights she would wake with a yelp, sweat covering her body and the traces of the bad dream in her mind. Others, she would twist in her covers, silently enduring the horrific images of her fellow Jedi and Clones being mangled.

“I'm about to retire. We're heading back to Coruscant in the morning, yes?” Alora asks, glancing to the sky where a Republic Cruiser floated in the atmosphere. When she looked back to her Master, she saw him nod.

“Yes, and hopefully we'll get a couple days rest. You need it. I'll be in soon, get ready,” He nods towards the shared tent before folding his arms. Obi-Wan watched as she bowed her head before slipping back into the temporary shelter. The General quietly sighed and rubbed his temples. He was exhausted, yet he knew sleep would elude him tonight. So much on his mind, and so little time to think about it all. Meditation had been one of the few escapes for him. And now with the daily battles, it presented such a short span of time for his peace. Peace. He chuckled to himself. A word he hoped he wouldn't have to mourn.

—-

Alora heard her Master walk into the tent. She was already undressed from her main tunics, only in her panties and fitted shirt. Thankfully, she was hidden under the covers of the blanket. She knew better than to display herself in such an intimate manner in front of Obi-Wan. This had become routine since she had become his apprentice. She layed on the ground, snuggled deep into her blanket and head resting on a rolled up cloak as a pillow. The cold chill of the planet seeped through the entrance as Obi-Wan entered. Quickly, he tied the flap closed, glancing to see Alora already laying down with her back to him.

As Obi-Wan quickly and quietly discarded his armor and layers of tunics, Alora kept her eyes closed, trying to keep her Force signature steady. She wasn't even tired, even though on the battlefield a few hours earlier she would have paid a thousand credits for a nap. The Padawan held back an annoyed exhale. When she sensed her Master was finally under his own blanket, Alora turned to see the outline of his body faintly in the dark.

“Rest, Alora,” Obi-Wan said, hearing her movement. A small huff came from his Padawan, and he smiled slightly in amusement.

“I hate…if i had only….don't even care…” A string of mumbles came from her as she grumbled and sighed. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. The Force was strong when she was by Obi-Wan, his signature still warm in the cold chill of the night.

“Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Let the Force flow through you, do not cower from its presence, Alora,” He whispered, accent thick and voice calm. The young woman hesitated before letting out a sigh. Eyes shut, she felt the steady company of the Force, its constant hum lightly nudging her to alert her of a disturbance outside of the tent. Two Clones made a routine patrol walk through the camp. As they passed, Alora let out another breath. She laid down once more, pulling the blanket up to her chin. The chill of the night lightly caressed her cheeks.

That night she slept without any bad dreams, Obi-Wan's presence proving to be calming and steadfast. The General slept fine, although a few more hours of sleep would be nice. He woke the next morning to Alora still in deep sleep, her signature steady and finally somewhat restful. As he began to get dressed, hitching his lightsaber onto the belt. Grabbing his blanket, he soundlessly folded it and set it down on the ground. Alora began to stir, sensing her Master was already awake. Murmuring under her breath, she sat up, the blanket pooling at her waist. Toned arms and chest were quickly bitten by the chilly morning air. Sighing, she stretched her arms above her head, feeling the tension of her cold muscles gradually drain out.

“Good morning, Alora,” Obi-Wan warmly said, running a hand through his neat hair. Somehow it never really managed to get messy, even in sleep. The Padawan glanced up to him and hummed in response, still waking up. Obi-Wan smiled slightly and held back an amused chuckle.

“I'll be outside. Be sure to dress warmly. The ships will be here soon,” He informed her, slipping outside of the tent to give his Padawan privacy. Alora nodded and quickly got dressed in her tunics and armor. Small forearm guards laid from her elbow to wrist, along with extra pouches on her belt for electric charges and a small blade. Obi-Wan had not yet figured out about this one weapon, and she wanted to keep it that way. She could see it now, folded arms and one eyebrow raised. A straight line for his mouth and blue eyes stormy. Laughing to herself, she quickly put half of her hair up, letting her padawan braid hang down. Time to go home, she thought to herself with relief. This Outer Rim planet was beginning to feel a little too familiar.

—-

By that night, the Republic ship was soaring through hyperspace to head back to the Core planet. Clones and Jedi made their way throughout the hangar, the bustling energy calmed by the night. Alora makes her way through the starships and lays a hand on a hull of a small spacecraft. This little thing could do so much damage, and all it took was a few buttons to press. Frowning, the Padawan backed away and looked to see Ashoka standing at the entrance of the hangar, arms folded and a small smirk on her face.

“Hey, Snips,” Alora said, making her way to her friend. The newer nickname had come from Anakin, and she liked it.

“Hey, Al. Still holding up?” The Togruta asked, joining her side as they walked through the halls of the massive battleship. The small hum of the ventilation system was a quiet background thay made for nice conversation.

“Could be worse, though Obi-Wan’s been quite strict on my meditation lately. You were right about him being big on it. Always right,” She remarked with a light nudge, their lightsabers barely grazing each other.

Ashoka shrugged and chuckled, turning a corner to see both Anakin and Obi-Wan conversing quietly. The older Jedi Master strokes his beard in deep thought, eyebrows knit together. Anakin whispered angrily to his past mentor, the words quick and sharp. Both young women paused in their steps, looking at each other before beginning to turn away and continue down the hall.

“Alora. Ashoka.” Anakin and Obi-Wan call out at the same time. Both Padawans turn to make their way to the Masters.

They both nod in respect and look to their mentors. Anakin's Force signature ripples with a flash of anger before sighing, glancing at Alora and narrowing his gaze. Caught off guard, the young Padawan raises a questioning eyebrow. Obi-Wan catches this and slightly shifts in between her and Anakin.

“Goodnight, Anakin. Rest well, Ashoka. We will debrief with the Council in the morning,” He glances between the two. They both nod and Alora sees Anakins gaze harden when he looks to her once more.

When both Jedi have made their way down the hall and turned the corner, Obi-Wan glances at Alora before sighing. She hesitates, not knowing what any of the tension was about.

“Is something the matter, Master?” She quietly asks as they begin their way to her quarters. The older Jedi shakes his head, giving a small smile in reassurance.

“No, just Anakin's temper, as usual. I'm sorry that he has been cold towards you, just know that you're not doing anything wrong,” The ship's engines rumble, and Alora hums in response. They continue through the winding halls until they get to the temporary quarters wing. Stopping in front of her room, Obi-Wan rests a hand on Alora’s shoulder.

“Your training has been progressing quite well, my padawan. Do not let your doubts cloud your judgment, they will distract you on the battlefield, and that's a risk we cannot take. Get some sleep, and meet me at the bridge in the morning for the briefing.” He says calmly, removing his hand and watching for her reaction.

“Goodnight, Obi-Wan,” Alora whispers, bowing her head before slipping into her quarters.

“Goodnight, young one,” The General replies to himself, turning to cross the hall to his own quarters. The ship continued its soaring through space to Coruscant, the halls quiet and Force a comforting hum in the background.

—--

Ps: i might start posting on ao3 but im not too sure.

[drunkkenobi]

Hiii will you do spreadsheet update or are you waiting for after mf?

Hello! I know I am behind on spreadsheet updates, I wanted to do one at the end of the year but my work life blew up (my place of work got shut down by corporate so I got laid off and then had to get/start a new job and it's just been a lot of [internal screaming]) and I haven't had the mental energy for it. I am still recording them, though! I'd say the most interesting things of note over the last few months in Watcher views are that:

The 3rd episode of Too Many Santas got 400k views in its 3rd week and I have no idea why

Making Watcher 4 did better than usual for Making Watcher's (its at 400k)

Survival Mode was pretty consistent and did well for a show that probably costs very little to make. It outperformed Top 5 Beatdown.

Speaking of more people should watch the non-Shane episodes of Top 5 because he is bad at it (the inedible food ep is the exception) and they should replace him with Andrew

Season 2 of Ghost Files grows by about 20k a week now.

I'm excited to see how s2 of Mystery Files goes! Especially interested in how the Shane vs Ryan led eps stack up. (Ryan's were more popular last year for the record.) Hopefully I'll be able to check in more properly soon now that I'm settling into my new routine.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I'm trying not to do any daydreaming related to a specific house right now because that's a recipe for heartbreak, but the only way I'll stay motivated is if I do SOME kind of daydreaming about the future we're going to have once we get settled in a couple of months. I need to be able to create the path I'm going to be on in order to not just show up there in December and flounder aimlessly. So. Daydreaming under the cut I guess.

I've been thinking about making kitty climbers and a tree for them when we get to the new place from scrap wood, rope, fabric, and other supplies. The wifey and I have been imagining a sort of whole house jungle gym that allows the kitties to scumble around the walls of the house away from the dogs whenever they like, and get some fun kitty exercise, as well as to hide lil packed treaties around for them to hunt for enrichment. They've recently taken to "hunting" the dog's treat pack overnight and stealing all their treats lol, so clearly they could use they stalking time.

I think it'll be really good for all of us to not be so squished up together in such a small space, but adding levels for the cats so they can travel around in places where the dogs can't reach at all should be extra soothing for them, especially Taako who may take a while to adjust to climbing but I think will take to it beautifully once he learns how much freedom and privacy it offers him. Lup loves to climb things and go for adventures already so I expect as soon as she sees a new surface to climb on and smells the catnip on it she will be all over that shit.

I think I might tuck little potted catmint plants around the platforms too for them to nibble on at their leisure. Maybe silvervine for Taako too if I can find it. He can take or leave catnip but he LOVES silvervine. Apparently, it grows trellised, so I may see about growing it on wall mats or in a little window box for them. It'd be great to not have to source our kitty fun time plants from elsewhere anymore.

I want to also try my hand at constructing some sturdy bed crates for the dogs and making my own mattresses for them, rather than buying dog beds. That way each of the dogs can have their own nice little individualized space in the house, a bed, a food bowl, a waterer, and a snuggly. I want to get back to learning crochet soon because it's definitely a skill I want, and I figure a couple of doggie blankets are a perfect practice project. Maybe some easy crochet stuffies for Jaxxie to chew on and Tobi to snuggle with. That ought to be a good number of projects for me to work on too, as I'm settling in and trying to find my routine in the new place.

Between these, painting, establishing the garden, and finding furniture for the place at thrift shops, we should have enough on our hands for a good year of projects for the household. That'll give us time to start making connections, settle into the area, get to know our neighbors, and establish our routines. Year two is hopefully where things really get going.

First of all, in year two, I'm going to be taking on a much bigger role at work, including a title change, a pay increase, and a shift in the type of work I am doing. So financially, we'll be in much better shape, in an area where the cost of living is half what it is here, and with an established garden covering probably about a third of our food costs. If we're lucky, this is the point where we'll be able to get chickens, shifting our food costs down a smidge further (eggs is expensive and we go through a lot) and post up a little "take what you need, give what you can" farm stand with produce and eggs to give away excess food and start collecting a cash savings in addition to our normal one.

Regardless, year two is the absolute latest of when I expect that we'll start working with local food banks and community fridges to donate regular produce boxes for their patrons. My hope is that we can use this as a starting point to get involved with the local mutual aid scene and see what's needed and how we're best equipped to support that need, whether it be financial donations, volunteering our time, resource donations, logistical work, or other legwork. Wifey plans to make a career out of organizing at this point, and I'm happy to say that we're about to be very well set up to support (and finance) that as soon as these last few logistical puzzle pieces fall into place. My career is looking to be in great shape as well, and while I need to keep taking strides and putting in the work to keep it on track (there are definitely places where I am falling down on the job but it is largely due to either a) my brain is still doing a lot of avoidance that I am working to overcome via meds and therapy and b) oh god advancing your career in my field is so fucking expensive and right now i am stretched to my absolute breaking point just getting us through to house-get. I can't even think about CEUs and certifications. But once I'm done with all the deposits and inspections and paying rent I can't afford, I need to make sure that my first priority is getting my tf-cbt certifications and getting as close to emdr certification as I am allowed at my level. I should also really get started on some broader CEUs too, though I can probably find at least one or two good free ones between now and then. I have a couple in my files I can upload to my tracker already I think (hope I remembered to save those certificates!) and at least that would show I didn't completely ignore them for a year after graduation lol. Anyway maybe I'll find one to do this weekend so I can at least have a start on things.

One of the things I'm really looking forward to about being settled is getting to having the space to exercise again. I'm planning to start doing a morning pilates routine and a mid day strength training routine now that I'm going to have a real office and can leave space for myself to have a little exercise corner. I'm hoping that between the structured workouts and the functional work of gardening, I'll finally start to build my body back up now that I seem to be regaining health. I want to feel like I felt during the years I was doing daily pilates and strength training in college, like I used to feel as a kid. Strong, in tune with my body, capable. Not.....like I have been feeling for so long. I can't keep living like this. I need my body to be right, and that means HRT, that means top surgery, that means getting stronger, that means for once in my life not apologizing for my body but reveling in it. I want to get tattoos after top surgery, not to cover my scars, but to go where my nipples would be, cuz like. Why graft nipples back on when you could have cool tattoos, am I right? And I figure, once I have fun nipple tattoos, the world is my tattoo oyster from there lol. That tattoo artist is my tattoo artist for life if they were cool about that project and did a good job. Which works cuz I have like. Three tattoo designs in the works and once we're settled, and I'm making moves on HRT and shit, I can start sourcing queer tattoo artists in the area who might dig the idea of working with me on my ink.

Starting to get tattoos would be step one of allowing the reality of me to exist divorced and separate from professional me. I don't plan (yet) to get tattoos anywhere that would be seen on camera, so while professional me would exist as they always have, up close and personal me would have a different vibe.

Step two is clothes. It's time for me to stop wearing things just because "it fit and I can afford it". With a little luck my office will be big enough for three things: my work station, an exercise corner big enough for a yoga mat, and a sewing station with a sewing table and dress form matched to my body and a tuck away ironing station. I want to start making my clothes from scratch so I can have outfits I actually feel comfortable in. I think I also need to knit myself a good pair of long socks and buy myself an actual quality garter belt. I'm planning on wearing my boots from now on, because they're actually good shoes, but I have to wear socks with them, and in order to keep the socks from rolling down to my goddamn arches at some point during the day because god forbid the sock just stay put nooooo, my leg has to be shaped like the world's best slip n slide. So until I learn more about leatherwork, I'll have to be picking one up. The garters I have never actually keep the goddamn sock because they're just meant for shitty lingerie. I also want to grab a good pair of suspenders. I plan to be the world's classiest goddamn dyke.

Year two should see me in good shape to start doing that, because my body will probably be in a less dramatic state of flux after being on hormones for a while. Obviously the dramatic change of no titty will probably be yet to come, but I can probably bind, or get a good set of corsetry to manage that in the meantime.

Step three of making me again is hair. I gotta figure out this hair thing. I can't just keep letting it growing out completely wild and then hacking it off in a passion only to do the same thing all over again. I need to actually learn how to cut my hair properly into a hairstyle I'll like. I'm gonna give this one another go today because I think I have an idea of how to fix it up a little, but I'm a bit anxious that I fucked it lol.

[angelhairpastawithherbs]

Saw the posts and I just wanted to pop in, offer some advice(?), if that's okay (feel free to ignore this or delete if I'm crossing a boundary).

It seems like you've just received bad news, and negative interactions in a row; which isn't the easiest thing to deal with on the best of days. You have a lot on your plate, a packed schedule and stress load, and it doesn't help that people have just been all around butt-faces (sister, schoolmates, random people online).

It doesn't matter if you have 'an alright life', it's okay to feel frustrated and angry over negative things. It also doesn't help that your personal space is in disarray, hopefully, once that settles, things start to feel better; it's overstimulation and a change of routine.

As for the comment; it was uncalled for. You shouldn't have had to deal with it, and hopefully you won't have to deal with something like that in the future.

Hoping you have better days ahead of you, and get some good news soon <3

thank you. i wish i didn't have to rant to strangers i barely even know about this stuff, but it feels better knowing im not insane for thinking things are bad, especially the comment

im still not feeling good and might not be as active, in fact it's something I'll probably try to avoid not because of you guys but because i need to take a break especially with seeing other people post about people being pedo or weird and ngl, its a bit triggering. i know it won't go away but its needed

[jodilin65]

Sunday, June 1, 2025

I watch a lot of Lifetime movies, and it was cool to see one filmed in the St. Pete area just a stone's throw away. I recognized the area, and on a form in the movie, it said Pinellas County and that really is Pinellas County.

It's also cool to see how Duolingo keeps track of how many days I review my languages. It has a unique-looking icon on my phone with the number of days on it.

I taped my mouth as snugly as I could without being uncomfortable. But sure enough, just as I was dropping off to sleep, air was leaking. My first thought was, fuck the CPAP. I'm not going to sleep with anything if both masks are just going to leak. I've got a serious curse on my sleep and there's just no getting rid of it. I'm going to have to accept I'm going to spend the rest of my life on the tired side.

But realizing that not sleeping with anything was bordering on dangerous, I decided to get the damned chin strap out after all. Although uncomfortable, it wasn't as uncomfortable as the hybrid. I think I remember something like two instances of air trying to escape. My sleep was mildly fraggy, but I never had to get up and pee. I ended up getting my lowest AHI score yet at an incredible 0.5 events!

I definitely feel better today. The next question is whether or not to carry on with this routine or jump to trying the hybrid again. Just because it worked out well last night doesn't mean it's going to keep working out. I didn't realize it would be so damn hard to get a good seal with these things! I'm at the point now where I can sleep with them just fine. It's the fucking leaks that's the issue. I guess I'll see how many decent sleeps in a row I can get with the chin strap before I resort to the medieval torture device called a hybrid.

Been loading up on salmon and eggs and foods that help enhance and optimize thyroid function in preparation for going to the lab on the 3rd. Sure hope my TSH is under 10! Hopefully, my cholesterol isn't too out of control and my A1C hasn't risen, but I'm not treating either one, especially the cholesterol. As sensitive as I am to medication, if I don't feel the symptoms, I don't treat it. I don't expect any of my other numbers to be bad. I think the best I can hope for is that I'm still prediabetic, my TSH is under 10 but not normal, and my cholesterol is through the roof as usual.

Played around with Character.ai for a bit, and while it's cool that you can put your characters on a group chat, it gets boring quickly.

For a fleeting moment, I almost wished I could update Tammy on how my health has been over the last half a decade and settle my own curiosity about her living situation. I couldn’t care less about her moody, narcissistic brats. That was the one area she was very empathetic and understanding with because she too, has suffered a host of health issues. But after learning much too late in life, the toxic drama that would eventually come with it is totally not worth it. Better to judge people on how they treat you and not whether or not you're related. Biology should never be a ticket to abuse someone. She has memory issues from hell, lies too much, would want to do nothing but talk about God and her brood when it wasn't health stuff, have long phone chats that just aren't my thing, and then as soon as she got pissed at me for whatever, on come the threats and harassment—with the help of her own kids that she has join her in the immature bullying campaign. Sure, I now have a phone that can block numbers, but that doesn't mean one can't download apps to make it look like they're calling from different numbers that I have to keep blocking as I already do with spammers and scammers.

Monday, June 2, 2025

Right back to the fatigue I go. It's not like I'm surprised, though. I didn't have any leaks, but I sure had a lot of “frags.” Woke up at least a half a dozen times, once to pee. If I don't figure out a way to defragment my sleep, then I'm not gonna be much better off than I was before the CPAP. The only thing the CPAP will do is keep me from being so breathless.

I read that phone filters don't filter out blue light entirely. So I'm thinking of getting blue light blocking glasses that do a better job and that you can wear over your prescription glasses.

I didn't take anything at all before bed. Next time around, I'll take half a clonazepam and definitely magnesium. I researched numerous sources and they all say that melatonin, magnesium, valerian root, and chamomile are the best natural supplements to help with fragmented sleep. Melatonin has its drawbacks, though. That will usually help knock me out, but that can actually disrupt my sleep and cause nightmares along with next-day grogginess.

I can't take clonazepam all the time, so if none of these things help, then I don't know what to do but be forced to accept the fact that, just as I fear, I'm going to spend most of my life tired. It’s great that I got my AHI down, but dealing with fragmented sleep is tricky because it’s so much more complex.

Tuesday, June 3, 2025

I had hoped to sleep till around 3:00, but I woke up at 1:00. I'm very hungry now, but I'm going to have to live with it for another 6 hours or so because my lab appointment isn't until 8:00. I would have scheduled the first appointment they had at around 5:30, but it's not safe for Tom to drive in the dark until he has his cataracts removed. Next week we should learn more about that. I think it's next week, anyway. If not, then it's definitely the week after.

Anyway, I had zero leaks and two frags. I crashed at 5:00 and woke up to pee at 8:00. Then I had trouble falling back asleep, so I took half a clonazepam. I did take magnesium before bed, and I also had a cup of chamomile tea toward the end of my day. I slept soundly until 11:00 when I woke up for a second, and then didn’t get up until 1:00.

AHI score was up a bit but still under 5. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the mask inserted in my nostrils properly, but it always says I have a good mask seal, and I don't usually lose more than 5L of air. The pressure has been a little higher than I've seen it, though, at 11.5. So the chin strap is continuing to do a good job of preventing leaks, as long as I'm not on my back which is my least favorite position anyway.

Fragments still remain a problem, though. A little research said they should lessen over the next couple of months. It said that being tired a month into CPAP treatment is common and that I should be a little surprised if I'm not better in early July. If I'm still tired in early August, that's my red flag.

I really have a bad feeling about this. I really do. I fear more than ever that I do indeed have chronic fatigue. If I don't, then it's likely connected to the frags. The question is how to stop them if they don’t on their own. It said, though, that my brain and body are still adjusting to treatment and reminded me that I had years of sleep debt.

I really hope I'm just being unrealistically pessimistic, but unfortunately, I have a knack for sensing these things. I'm psychic, I'm intuitive, and it's my own body we're talking about here. I'm not trying to guess or get a sense of someone else.

It still feels like one big curse on me. Something has been determined to use my mind and body against me for the last 11 years, and it's like it just doesn't want me to have any energy. Sure, I would be limited as to what I could do due to money, but I could still do a lot more if I had the energy. Maybe I’ll be miraculously and marvelously surprised by being wrong and I'll gradually get more and more energy. I would settle for 20 good days a month if I couldn't be good every day — and hey, no one's good every day, right? So yeah, I would settle for 20 good days, with the rest being moderate, and one, maybe two days of heavy fatigue.

We went out to Publix yesterday so I could pick up my prescription and get a couple of post-lab treats. The plan was to indulge in some chocolate chip cookies, a caramel candy bar, and then coffee ice cream the next time we do a Walmart order, and then I will jump back on my sugar-free plan. I'm also going to slowly morph into a healthier and better-balanced diet with fewer calories, little by little.

So far, though, while I haven’t noticed a huge difference in energy levels, my blood pressure is definitely better. I didn’t realize just how much sleep apnea affected that.

Okay, it's almost 3:00 a.m. now, and I’ve been in bed ever since getting up at 1:00. Time to get up and get moving. I gotta shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, and start guzzling lots of water so it will help with the hunger and the vampire being able to find a vein easily enough.

I'm sure the rat is eager to see me too. I can just picture her bouncing up and down at her door, LOL.

Wednesday, June 4, 2025

Yesterday was a great day. Started off a little tired, but a quick nap refreshed me. Last night, however, I had leaks and fragmented sleep, so not surprisingly, I am exhausted today. I seem to be going back and forth. I'm going to ask Rhonda about a drug called Doxepin, which is supposed to help stop fragmented sleep without being habit-forming or causing next-day grogginess. 

My lab results came back and are a mix of surprising and bad. I was stunned to see that my glucose was only 82. A1C is still the same, 5.9.

My TSH, as expected—given how cold I've been—is elevated at 10.43.

My WBCs are slightly elevated, and my absolute lymphocytes are moderately elevated, but nothing to be concerned over.

My cholesterol is through the roof at an all-time high of 324. 

Other than that lower left intestinal cramp I sometimes get, I am just navigating a brain-fog-filled fatigue as usual and wishing I could just get struck by lightning.

Thursday, June 5, 2025

I got the events down, and next, I wish I could believe I was going to get the leaks down and then the frags, but I just don't have any hope anymore. The nasal pillow won’t work with or without tape or the chin strap.

Took a full Clonazepam before bed. A mouth fart woke me up at around 12:40, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep, though I slept nearly 6 hours. Still had some frags too. So I switched to the hybrid and laid there with it until 2:15, trying to get used to it.

Here's my next plan of action before I throw in the towel and end it all at the end of the year. I simply can't stop mouth farting with the nasal pillow. Yes, it's the most comfortable, but it just won't work. I can't find out if Tom’s right about me eventually “defragging” if leaks keep waking me up. So I'm going to use the hybrid for sure. I think I may have gotten it adjusted a little better. If I still keep leaking awake while chasing this thing called sleep and energy that I'm just not meant to have, then I'm going to do one of two things until I croak. One is to sleep with nothing until I start suffocating awake or feeling that winded, breathless feeling when I'm awake. At that point, I would reach up and grab the nasal pillow, which I'd have nearby.

Another thing I could do is start with the nasal pillow until it farted me awake and then remove it. That way I would at least be doing some CPAP time.

Anyway, I wore the mask again for about an hour. I made sure I could put it on in the dark. I learned how to take it off quicker too. This time around, there wasn't any hissing from the hose at the top of my head because I sealed it up better.

For now, it has its pros and cons, as with the other mask. The back strap is still a little snug, but I'm getting used to it. There's a little bit of pressure on the cheekbones, but it's much easier on my nose. Unfortunately, though, I'll probably still need nose strips. Definitely like how the hose shoots out from the top and that it's actually a little easier for stomach sleeping, but that puts me at risk of it shifting and leaking, so I'm going to try to keep myself from doing that. I am definitely more adaptable when it comes to positions than I thought I was. First I managed to train myself to stay off my back because that made the snorting and events worse, and now I'm slowly keeping myself off my stomach. With this mask, I should be able to sleep on my back, but I don't do that very often anyway as that's my least favorite position.

The only other issue is that the machine sometimes has trouble with the auto start and stop.

[ovaettrgrimoire]

Ramblings entry into my digital grimoire tonight

Thinking out loud

What is my philosophy on life? I'm 32 Monday and would like this to be settled soon enough

Now that I'm on the other eend of survival I can see myself living

Now that I am able to see clearly cuz i am getting top surgery August 23rd 2023

I will finally have life worth living

So I want to live a good life with good compass of morals guiding me. Good prerogatives and priorities. I want to tend to a garden that is my life and know I'm planting the right seeds to be a good person that I'd be proud to be like yeah that's me

So what are the life philosophies of a green art witch, heathen and norse pagan follower of Freyja and Medusa and Freyr and Odin ?

Just stream of consciousness things that are important to me I'll organize later and repost better written stuff

1) Upholding true trans INCLUSIVE feminist ideals in your every day actions and words

This means no leaning on misogyny even when it benefits you, refusing only passing as a man by silently joining the misogynistic onslaught against femmes in this world and accepting that living a trans feminist lifestyle might get me misgendered but nothing is worse than betraying those who raised me up so I wouldnt care if it harmed me to defend them

2) Denouncing white supremacy and nazism and fascism loudly and plainly and clearly as possible. Make fascists more than uncomfortable and unwelcome, make them run.

3) Live as loudly out and proud as possible to light the way for those who come after us and to honor those who carved the path ahead for us.

4) Respect and remember history always. Dont repeat historical mistakes. Do your reading with full attention. You might find a piece of yourself in the past.

5) Repeated persistent effort pays off like watering a plant every day. We need our routine effort in order to grow properly. We need consistency. Remaining consistent is a priority in life and shows you are a good person and committed. Trying again if you fell off the horse is also honorable.

6) Remain curious and always asking questions every day about every thing so you may fully learn and grow and be involved in your world.

7) Kill the cop in your head immediately, end of story. This helps in many situations

8) Find some way(s) to give back. Giving back helps you feel fulfilled and the cycle is completed.

9) Go out of your way to say thank you for peoples help. Make their efforts feel known. Remind them you care and saw.

10) Never give up even when you are at rock bottom. Remember that rock bottom is sometimes the best foundation to build upon. Be grateful for those who help pull you back up and never forget them.

These are the philosophical life guidelines I've picked up over the last 32 years of my life.

Hopefully they help you too

-O

[llondonfog]

Hello!! Sorry to hear you’ve been tired for a while :(( I wanted you to know your blog is absolutely delightful and always makes me smile!!!! You’re such a fun and beautiful person and I hope you take good care of yourself <3

(blubbers softly on your shoulder aaaaaaaaaaaa)

THANK YOU FOR THESE KIND WORDS IM?????🥹

it has definitely been a TRYING past few weeks between working 12 hrs/daily for two weeks straight, jumping to vacation (which was great! but exhausting for different reasons lol), returning to immediately start my new job while still supporting my old office, AND NOW GETTING SICK—

i also have a project on the horizon that i'm excited to (hopefully!) share with you all soon, but that's also taking up a lot of my creative time and i'm hoping with this next week as i transition fully into my new office that i'll start to settle into a better routine :') but all your comments and asks make me smile and laugh, they're just what i need to feel better when work is weighing me down and i'm so happy to be here with you all!! <3

[elwhattasmo]

Chapter Two

I had decided to ignore the message I got, it's been a while since we'd spoken and to be completely honest I wasn't even sure where we stood as friends. But hey I guess I'll find out when I get there or hopefully not.

Getting back to my rented apartment I put my bag on the floor beside the couch before going to my closet and pulling out my big suitcase. I'd be given little to no time to get my affairs in order so my game plan was to pack and then call my landlord, I'll still be paying the rent so there shouldn't be any real issue.

Packing a bit of everything I then called everyone who needed to know I would be gone. It was already past 10:00pm when I was done so I decided to order in and a quick shower.

My mind kept going back to the text from Riley or as most people in the wrestling world know him as El Phantasmo, it would've been in the middle of the night in Japan when he text, technically there wasn't any real history between us, not officially anyway, I mean two people who were acquaintances who made a deal to sometimes help relief some frustrations, sounds simple until they spend time together without any funny business and become sort of friends. See not complicated at all.

Once I was out of the shower and in fresh pjs there was a knock at the door, digging into my pizza, I heard my phone ping again.

Jay Orange: Just heard the news! When do you get here?

Sophie: Flight leaves tomorrow so I get there Saturday I think

Jay Orange: I'll pick you up from the airport if you want?

Sophie: Sounds better then an hour cab ride thanks

Jay Orange: Dont mention it let me know flight times I've gotta run see you at the airport

Sophie: Laters

After I placed the left over pizza into a container I ran threw my nightly routine and went into bed, dreaming of my journey into a new chapter of my life.

---------------------------------

The next day was absolutely hell! Everything felt like it went wrong up until I got into my flight seat, during the chaos I'd remeber to let Jay know flight times and what time I'd be landing.

The flight went by smoother then I'd expected and I was relieved when I got out of the airport, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths I soon heard the familiar kiwi accent,

"You look rough" he laughed while walking over to greet me with a quick hug

"Thanks Jay appreciate it"

"I'm joking considering you've spent a whole day travelling you look great"

"And your a kiss ass"

We both laughed as jay grabbed both of my suitcases refusing my attempt at help, after all they are my bags. Reaching his rental car he put my things in the trunk as I settled in for the hour journey to the hotel. After 10 minutes Jay decided to bring up the elephant in the room,

"So er... Does Riley know your here?"

"Er... Yeah he actually was the first to message me about it... Must've been the middle of the night here when he found out"

"Have you two spoke about your whole situation?"

"No not really... We said we would last time I left here but we never got round to it so things are pretty awkward between us"

"Well if it helps give you peace of mind hes single" he said with that signature smirk

"Shut up dork... Let's talk about your life hows married life treating ya?"

"It's fantastic Savanna is amazing as always"

"She really is great you've got yourself someone special there"

"You never know Soph you might find someone yourself this trip"

"I'm starting to wish I got that cab"

Once we arrived at the hotel I got checked in and made it up to my floor as I was sliding the key through the lock the door next to mine opened and out walked the last person I wanted to see.

[shadowsinger11]

You, The Stars And I

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader

Word Count: 3.8k (oops)

Requested by @amira3113: Can I request a fic abt the reader seeing Fred and George comforting a kid after Umbridge punished him and the reader helps them and Fred thinks it's so cute what she is doing and she does the same and extra mega fluff, pls?🥺 you don't gotta do it if u don't want to btw.. so no pressure ;)

Warnings: A bit more angst than intended, Fred being a soft boi™️

A/N: I don't know how to feel, I just roasted myself hardcore with this and I'm feeling even more single. I'm sorry for not being able to use a 'keep reading' tab

Masterlist

The sun fell asleep behind the endless hills, enveloped by dense, opaque darkness. Its golden rays no longer shone through the wide windows of the castle and instead let shadows creep into the long, empty hallways, revealing the ugly truth about what the school had turned into over the past few months.

The naked walls stood tall, towering over you and inching closer with every step you took, and you hung your head low, aiming to block out the singular buzzing thought in your head.

Hogwarts was no longer home.

Your heart ached at the memory of hundreds of students chattering and laughing all day long, freely walking around the school grounds and simply being children. You so terribly missed being careless and having fun without the fear of potentially facing a life-threatening punishment.

But now there was no laughter, only your footsteps echoed in the hallway.

You were headed straight to your common room, determined to go to sleep early. The curfew and the dozens of new restrictions prevented you from meeting your friends, and you hoped that sleep would at least somehow distract you from your worries for a couple of hours.

The deafening silence nearly caused you to miss the muffled sobs and quiet whispering, coming from a turn not far away. It seemed as though there were more than one voice speaking, and your chest clenched with dread.

You hurried your pace until you reached the source of the noise, and peeked from behind the wall.

The sight most definitely surprised you, but the pain in your chest only sharpened.

There, on a bench, Fred and George were sitting, hunched over a small boy, probably no older than a second year. You could tell by his green robes which house he was in, but his red, tear-stained face was what alarmed you.

You immediately approached him and fell to your knees. George was on his left, rubbing slow, soothing circles on his back, while Fred was on the other side, holding his small hand in his, on the back of which a few words glistened with fresh crimson blood.

I must not ask questions.

You sent the twins a questioning look, but Fred dismissed it by shaking his head; clearly that was not the time for an explanation, nor was one necessary to begin with.

You placed a hand on the boy's knee to make your presence known.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

This only caused the child to sob harder and you internally cursed for having to go through this routine.

"It hurts…" he whimpered, "I thought Hogwarts was fun. I met friends last year and it was great. But now… Now I really want to go home."

Your jaw clenched and you swallowed hard, furious about seeing innocent children slowly losing faith and joy in life, turning into hollow shells of the amazing people they could have grown to become.

The horrifying experience would inevitably have a massive impact on them and unexplainable guilt twisted your stomach. And even though the long-term damage had already been done, you could at least take care of the temporary pain.

"It's not going to hurt for long, I promise," Fred whispered, tenderly playing with the boy's trembling fingers. "Ours are already fading."

"That's true, see?" George showed the back of his hand on which you could make out the faint, bloody words 'I must not cause trouble.', and you felt sick. "Soon you won't even remember it was there."

Tears stung in your eyes, but before you gave them a chance to fall, you turned to the redheads.

"I can heal the wound. Well, to an extent. If anything, I can lessen the pain," you began. "But I need to grab something from the Charms classroom."

Fred frowned, confused, "Wouldn't you need a potion for that? Why Charms?"

"Snape isn't the only one armored with potions for just in case things go wrong. And we can't risk going to the dungeons at this hour. It's not wise to tell Madam Pomfrey yet either."

The twins nodded. George said.

"It's not a good idea for all of us to go at once. I suggest one of us returns and covers the others up if necessary."

"I'll go with her," Fred stated without a second thought. "I can get them safely where they need to be, let her do her thing and bring them back."

Fred's eagerness to help filled you with warmth and for once that night you had the strength to smile, even for just a second.

"That sounds like plan then. But you should really take the map," George added, already pulling out the neatly folded Marauder's Map from his backpack. "Don't wanna risk getting caught by the ugly toad, you know."

"As if she'd be strolling down the hallways late at night. Doesn't she have hobbies?"

"Does hanging creepy pictures of cats on pink walls count as such?" you commented and the second year giggled, which made you feel slightly better as well.

Fred took the map from George and you grabbed the boy's hand.

"Good luck, guys. And, like, don't die."

"Woah, greatly encouraging, Georgie," you replied sarcastically, but appreciated it nonetheless. "You sure you'll be fine?"

"Absolutely. I got the route memorized like the back of my hand. I'll be careful."

And with that, George headed towards the Gryffindor Tower while you, Fred and the boy went in the opposite direction - the East Towers.

The night was eerily quiet, only the footsteps and shuddering breaths of the three of you keeping you sane. The soft light, gleaming at the tip of your wands, didn't do much to brighten the empty hallways which now seemed like endless voids of darkness.

Occasionally Fred would warn you about Filch's cat approaching, or Peeves causing trouble nearby, but fortunately, you reached the classroom sooner than expected.

"Alohomora," you whispered, but the door didn't bulge when you tried to open it.

Fred grinned, "Surely a Charms professor wouldn't let such a cliché unlock his own classroom."

"Shut up," you grumbled. "Aberto!"

The door opened. Fred's eyes widened in amusement and you flashed him a charming smile on your way in.

You placed the boy to sit on a desk as you and your friend rushed to look through drawers and chests for something useful. Most of them were full of basic items such as old books and quills, half-full jars of salamander blood, pearl dust and gillyweed, and after long fifteen minutes of not having found anything, you slid your back down against the wall, sighing in frustration.

Sleep-deprivation was kicking in, but your anxiety was getting stronger.

You needed to do something. Fast.

"What about this chest right here?" Fred asked from the other side of the classroom, pointing at something under Flitwick's desk.

You shook your head, "Doesn't open, already tried. Even if the cure is there, we can't get it."

"I take it your brilliant spells don't work anymore?" the redhead teased and you so badly wished to slap away the cocky smirk on his face. Or kiss it. There was something oddly attractive about the way he'd set your nerves on fire, and you hated yourself for enjoying it. Fred seemed to love it too.

"If you're only here to be annoying, just leave."

"I'm here to help too. I can multitask."

You nearly jumped from the ground to strangle him, and he clearly saw through your intentions because his toothy grin almost split his face in two. That bastard.

That super annoying, devilishly handsome bastard.

"Are you gonna keep staring at me, or are you coming? Not that I mind the attention," he shrugged.

You rose to your feet and made your way over to where he was standing, not granting him the pleasure of facing him, "Don't flatter yourself, Weasley. Your stupidity is simply impossible to be unnoticed."

Fred laughed, "Oh, so I was annoying and now I'm stupid too? Make up your mind, woman."

You pulled out your wand and smirked at him over your shoulder.

"You said it yourself that you can multitask. Aberto!"

Nothing.

Fred squinted his eyes as he stared at the wooden chest. What spell could the professor have possibly used? Could you have even heard of it? The chances of ever finding the precious item were becoming grimmer with each passing second and the inevitable sense of dread had started to settle in.

After a minute Fred finally spoke.

"I think your problem is that you're using spells that only work on doors. You need a charm which unlocks containers."

"You might be right. What would that be then?" you enquired, glancing at the redhead. He took his own wand out of his robes.

"I know a spell that's come in handy before. Hopefully it will work now," he wettened his lips and said. "Cistem Aperio!"

Blinding light caused you to cover you eyes,  and the chest opened with a loud thud which could have easily alerted the entire floor of your presence if it wasn't for the silencing charm you were lucky to have used when you first entered the classroom.

You finally dared to open your eyes and kneeled on the ground, carefully rummaging through fancy-looking boxes and vials sparking with liquids that seemed to be quite important.

"What are we looking for?" Fred asked as he crouched next to you.

"Wound-Cleaning Potion. Purple."

It was weird having Fred stand this close to you; sparks of electricity would pierce your heart every time his shoulder brushed against yours, or his fingers would accidentally graze yours. And when they did, they had you longing more and more for their touch, for their warmth.

But this warmth did not belong to you.

You swallowed down the disappointment and instead attempted to focus on the task at hand.

Just as you had expected, the precious crystal bottle was carefully wrapped in sparkling cloth and placed inside a box that was hidden deep in the corner of the chest. You breathed a sigh of relief and got on your feet, determined to stay away from Fred. For his sake and yours.

"Here it is," you smiled at the boy as you walked over to him. "Fred, can you get me some bandages from the drawer in the back?" you asked, pointing right behind him, and he did as he was told.

You took the hand of the young Slytherin and examined it closely - the wound was sure to leave a nasty scar, one that would never heal.

"Can you make it disappear?" he asked, fearfully.

Your heart dropped. But you replied with all the courage you could muster.

"I can try."

Fred was soon by your side and placed the medical items on the desk; a half-full packet of cotton, some bandages and a small box of bandaids. You muttered a 'thanks', not even looking at him, and opened the middle-sized bottle. It spread a characteristic smell of ashes, mint and lemon when you lifted it towards your nose - it was ready to use.

"So what now?" Fred asked.

Not granting him a reply, you simply took a small piece of the cotton and dipped the opening of the bottle into it, soaking it with a generous amount of the purple, dense liquid. The smell grew stronger.

Fred could only watch as you yet again gently grabbed the boy's hand and carefully dabbed the back of it; a thin steam of smoke soared from the contact of wet cotton and wounded flesh, purple mixing with red, and the kid hissed in pain. You worked attentively but quickly, with measured gestures and a straight face, and you missed the way Fred's eyes seemed to soften at the sight of you helping a small kid.

But one thing baffled him - why did you suddenly start acting so emotionless? Even towards the youngling who didn't know a thing. And though your expression seemed calm and collected, the Gryffindor noticed your tensed jaw.

What he wasn't aware of, however, was the racing speed of you heart, increasing each second. He wasn't aware of the short, shallow breaths you were taking because if you had allowed yourself to breathe freely, you'd certainly let out tears along with the deeps sighs.

Every move was calculated, every word and breath.

You pressed a fresh piece of cotton against the now cleaned wound and kept it there as you began to roll the bandage over it, securing it in place. When you were done, you placed a gentle, lingering kiss on the hand.

"There. It should do the trick."

The boy's face lit up and he hugged you, not giving you another choice but to wrap your arms around his small body. At least you had managed to bring him back some of the lost warmth.

"We should get him to his dorm," you told Fred and despite not facing him, he knew the words were directed towards him. That still didn't prevent the stinging pain in his chest from being so effortlessly avoided by you, and he frowned, bewildered by your unexpected coldness towards him.

Had he accidentally done anything to upset you? Were you mad at him? What for?

The boy jumped to his feet, visibly less burdened despite the present tear stains on his puffy cheeks. You hoped he'd be able to get some sleep that night regardless of the circumstances.

The three of you left the classroom as quietly as you had entered it and went in the direction of the dungeons. Fred, as usual, did his job at looking at the map and keeping track of the names, moving on the yellow-ish piece to old parchment.

Fortunately, you reached the Slytherin common room without any disturbances along the way, and the boy went inside, eager to crawl into bed and not think about the ugly lady who had punished him so unfairly just a few hours ago.

The door closed without a sound, leaving you and Fred on your own.

His soft voice broke the burdening silence.

"Are you going to bed?"

If you were being honest, you hadn't even thought about sleep during your secret adventure and though your body was on the verge of giving out, your restless mind was sure to wander all night. And the idea of being alone with your thoughts scared you.

"Actually… I don't think so," you began, fiddling with your fingers in hopes to not let Fred see how much they were trembling. "I doubt I'd be able to get any sleep now."

"Me too, I admit," Fred scratched the back of his neck, uncertain as to how to make the situation less awkward than it was. Trying to get you to talk was hard enough as it was, but your sudden avoidance wasn't helping either. All Fred wished for was to witness the hopeful spark in your eyes, the spark that he had noticed diminish on the first day of school when the unsettling news was announced.

Fred was determined to bring the light back and see your joyous smile again.

Without skipping a beat he said.

"Come with me."

Your eyes shot up in surprise, meeting Fred's for the first time that night. You expected to see the ever-present playful mischief in them, but instead they glistened with something you could not quite recognize. The corners of his mouth had formed a smile, one that didn't intend to mock or provoke in any way, but still contained his usual boyish charm. It was humble and sincere, and along with the anticipating look in his eyes it read.

Trust me.

Your mouth went dry, any and all reasoning to stay vanishing in thin air as you tried to make sense out of your inner conflict. Fred surely wouldn't care if you said no, would he? It's not like he'd be offended that someone like you refused to go with him; why would he even be interested in you in the first place?

But the idea of spending some time alone with him did sound very tempting - you desperately needed some positivity in that moment, feeling exceptionally drained of all your energy after having to witness the emotional and psychological impact of Umbridge's dictatorship. And if there was someone who could lift your spirit even in such dark times, that would be Fred.

Screw the idea of a potential relationship, you needed a friend right now.

"Where to, Weasley?"

Fred grinned at the nickname and shoved hands into his pockets.

"The Astronomy Tower. Are you coming?"

You smiled at him.

"Sure."

It was indeed a brilliant idea to spend the night at the place where anyone rarely ever set a foot. Regardless of it being crowded during classes all day, the Tower wasn't a common choice for students to meet, them much preferring locations like the common rooms, the Great Hall, the school grounds or even the Black Lake. But the Tower did possess a magnetic, obscure charm which many people failed to comprehend and appreciate; charm only meant to lure the wandering souls seeking peace under the stars.

Fred approached the iron railing, breathing in the cold, early spring air, and sat cross-legged on the ground. As he saw you standing a few feet away from him, he patted the empty spot next to him.

"Come on now, don't leave me sitting on my own like that," he joked and his face lit up when he noticed the ghost of a smile on your lips for a brief moment. You joined Fred on the ground, settling on a polite distance from him, and though he was slightly disappointed by the gesture, he was grateful to be in your presence nonetheless.

Silence fell over both of you like soft velvet while you stared off into the horizon; the view reached the Forbidden Forest, the outlines of which had melted into the pitch black sky like ink, the lines between the two practically nonexistent in the dead hours of the night as they blurred into one endless void.

"I don't remember the last time I saw stars on the sky," Fred addressed your ever-listening companions above in a low, hushed voice that caused warmth to blossom within you regardless of the cold surrounding you.

"Me neither," you agreed, nostalgia creeping into you, but you decided you'd welcome it this time. "Such a shame we can't see the moon though."

Your friend nodded, lips pursed into a thin line, "That's because it's currently new moon. We'll need to wait for awhile until it's visible again."

You turned to Fred and the air was knocked out of your lungs. All you could do was silently admire the way the starlight was softening his sharp features and giving his usually flaming red hair a calming shade of copper. His eyes seemed to glow in the dark, and you found yourself coming to the conclusion you had realised long ago.

He was such a beautiful man.

Those glowing eyes landed on yours and you felt your face heat up.

"How are you?" he asked abruptly and you choked out in bafflement.

"Y-You mean, right now? Or in general?..."

"How are you coping?" he rephrased. "You know, with everything going on. I noticed Umbridge bothering you recently."

A shuddering breath.

"I like to think that I'm doing better than others," you nodded hesitantly, finding it hard to sort out your emotions. "I'm more worried about the most vulnerable among us, the youngest students. They're just children. They're the ones that are most terrified. I really hope Dumbledore will be able to do something about it… no matter where he might be right now."

Fred was watching you intently; he did not miss your expression, darkened with concern, nor did he miss your slumped figure, slightly hunched over for a reason he believed was other than exhaustion. Your friend moved closer and nudged your foot with his.

"I don't want you to talk to me about the rest. I want to hear about you. I can clearly see you're being tormented by her."

"As if you're not."

"That's not the point," he insisted and placed a hand on your knee, causing you to face him. His smile was gone. "I need to know how this madness is affecting you."

"I couldn't care less about what that toad puts me through," you shook your head dismissively and shrugged. Why was he getting so worked up about it? "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does! It matters to me!" Fred hissed in frustration. "Do you think it doesn't hurt me every time I see Umbridge picking at you or calling you for detention? Because it bloody does and you have no idea how horrible it feels to not be able to help you."

He gave your knee a squeeze.

"For once, just for one time, please. Please, stop trying to be the hero of everybody. Believe me, we see- I see how hard you're trying to keep your chin up despite all the shit you're facing, and that's admirable, but right now it's not necessary. Let go. It's just me."

A way too familiar lump formed in your throat and your chest constricted painfully before it harshly dilated, letting out choked breaths. Fred was quick to envelope you in his long arms before your tears even rolled down your cheeks, and when they did, they met his shoulder. Your hands flew around his neck, body falling into his and soaking up his warmth. Fred pressed his soft lips to your temple, calming the racing pulse as you cried freely and unapologetically. Darling, you feel too much.

It's just me.

Your friend didn't let you out of his hold even when your heart-wrenching whimpers were reduced to weak sobs. He continued cradling your exhausted body which was on the verge of completely giving out. But Fred didn't mind, finding astonishing strength in your vulnerability.

After what seemed like hours, you forced yourself to timidly whisper, lip quivering, "I'm scared... And confused."

"Me too, sweetheart," Fred hummed into your ear. "Me too."

You wiped away the trails of dried tears lingering on your face.

"There's just too much going on. Too much that I'm not ready for."

Realization flashed in Fred's brown eyes and they looked down at you with so much longing, sincerity, but also sympathy and understanding.

You weren't angry at him. You were afraid.

And that was alright.

There was enough time, not need for a rush.

Fred had been waiting for years to find out whether his burning feelings for you were reciprocated, constantly suppressing them in fear of scaring you away and losing you. And now that he knew your heart belonged to him like his did to you, all the stars above couldn't contain his untamed happiness, pure and hopeful.

Surely he could wait a little more for you to grow comfortable with your own emotions.

Fred tightened his hold around you and pecked your cheek tenderly, the subtle touch sending a shock throughout your body and subsiding your need for sleep.

"That's alright," he whispered. "Rest now."

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[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

White Lies (Pt. 13 of 21)

Pairing: Keanu Reeves X Reader

Word count: 2.7 K

Summary: Keanu found the girl almost dead, in the wrecks of what was once her car. While she was in surgery, stuck in a coma, he gathered the best doctors of New York to attend to her. They told him she is likely to have some kind of brain damage, what may lead to memory loss. And this possibility added up wit the fact that she's pregnant, made the council come up with an odd idea. They asked Keanu to pretend to be her husband, since the stress of finding out everything that happened could put the baby in danger. He reluctantly agreed, but only if she does has some kind of memory loss. He still goes she'll wake up soon, with her memories intact.

But when you finally wake up, there's nothing inside. You're quick to find your head is empty, void, like a blank canvas. The only thing that brings you some relief, that makes you feel less lonely is the mention of a husband. And you can't wait to meet him, because you know you can't deal with this by yourself.

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{Keanu Reeves Masterlist}

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×

Change Of Heart

“You and Daniel were in a relationship that ended sometime before we met,” Keanu says, gathering his stuff as you do the same, both starting to take the baggage to the living room. “He is Mrs. Davis' son, and I guess she didn't like much when you two broke apart.”

“And where is this Daniel now? I'd like to meet him if he's part of my past.” You stop by the door, as Keanu checks on his phone for the car he just called.

But he puts his phone away, eyes on you. “Daniel passed away a week before your accident.”

“Oh...” You whisper, looking down. “So that's why Lucia got so sad when I said we weren't considering the name.”

“Yeah.”

Furrowing your eyebrows at his weird expression, you step forward and tiptoe, placing a kiss on his lips. “Let's go home, babe.”

•••

Going back home happened without any incidents. But the next days were filled with medical appointments. You assure him you're fine, but Keanu seems to be in an urge to make sure you're completely fine. You try not to complain about it, but things get weird when you notice a strange expression on his face. For too many times to count you caught him looking like he was just about to say something, but for some reason, he gives up. It makes you confront him a couple of times, but he assures you he's just worried as the pregnancy goes on.

Some weeks go by, and you're getting impatient to find out the baby's sex. On your many ultrasounds, they're always on a position that makes it impossible to see it. But you're hopeful for today, and, as you lie on the bed with Keanu, your back against his chest, you take in the soft morning light.

Keanu has an arm around her waist, a hand caressing her belly. Her bare back keeps his body warm, and despite the constant feeling that time is running short, he places kisses on her neck.

He was supposed to tell her the truth weeks ago, the moment they got back from Miami, but he just couldn't. This went too far, he went too far. In every possible aspect. Keanu didn't only fell for her, but he was intimate with (Y/N) too many times to count, and that makes him feel more guilt than anything else.

Her second trimester is just about to end, and now, he's caught in between. Again, for the millionth time, Keanu is caught in between two feelings. His love and his morals.

In his defense, Keanu did try to break the news several times. The words, the destructive, dangerous words were at the tip of his tongue, ready to desolate his life. But they got stuck, and he was too weak at the thought of losing her. Of losing the baby that he loves so much. It doesn't matter how many times he reminds himself the kid isn't his, he's failing to get this fact to grow roots in his heart. Keanu loves the child as if it's his own.

Guilt threatens to devour him entirely sometimes, but right now, in this moment, happiness suppresses everything else. This is his personal paradise, with her, the baby, healthily growing inside her.

Keanu always wanted a family. Settle down, take less and smaller roles. But nobody ever made him feel like he could. Of all the women he dated, nobody ever made him feel like he would give up everything. He thought he knew what love was, and he thought it wasn't as strong as people say... But now, life proved him wrong. This is love, a wrecking ball that came and destroyed his walls, his heart, his wrong perceptions. If only it happened some other way. If he wasn't caught up in this web of lies.

Dr. Harris wasn't happy to know he was sleeping with her. (Y/N) told her, of course, and even though it was in her usual shy and reserved way, the psychologist got the meaning behind the words. And she confronted him, very harshly, and Keanu could do nothing but listen and agree. Because this is wrong. This is the worst kind of betrayal.

(Y/N) moves a little, breathing deeply as she wakes up. A hand finds his, pulling it to her chest, placing a soft kiss on his fingers. “Morning.” She whispers, voice still clouded by sleep. She's used to it now, Keanu is always awake first.

“Good morning, beautiful.” He replies, fingers caressing her chin. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, but I miss lying on my stomach.” She complains, turning around and snuggling into his chest. “What time is it? We have an ultrasound.”

“I know. And we should probably start getting ready.”

“Alright.” (Y/N) mutters, but doesn't give any signs she'll move anytime soon.

But he knows what today is all about, and it will certainly make her excited. “Hopefully we'll finally find out if this little one is Sophie or Liam.”

“Yes!” Immediately, she pushes herself up, an arm sustaining her weight as she looks down at Keanu. And he tries not to stare at her nude figure, even though this is silly compared to everything they're done. Still, he thinks he should at least try. “The baby must be in a good position today. I can't wait anymore.” With that, she's up, smiling as she makes her way to the bathroom.

And Keanu is left behind on the bed, surrounded by his bad decisions. Maybe this is the right time. Maybe, being this happy, she won't hate him so much.

With a lump in his throat, he goes on with his routine, until they're almost ready to go. Keanu waits by the bedroom door frame as she fixes her hair, the bathroom door half open. This is way too sudden, but if he doesn't do that now, if he waits any longer, he'll never be ready. He'll never be brave or strong enough to do this. He took too long already. Now, he can only hope, pray, that this will somehow end up the way he wants.

That he won't lose her.

The moment he sees (Y/N) walking out of the bathroom, Keanu gives a step forward, arms crossed, heart beating so fast it threatens to jump off his chest. The words are at the top of his tongue when his eyes take in her posture. (Y/N) holds the skirt of her blue dress up, all the way to the top of her thigh with one hand, and on the other, there's blood. Bright and red, staining her fingers and the palm of her hand. His eyes turn to her face, blank, scared as she looks at him.

Without thinking too much, his mind on the verge of collapsing, he forces himself to move, quickly making his way over her.

You hate the smell of the soap they have here. You hate this hospital and what it means when you're brought here. It's only far worse now. You're still trying not to burst into tears, trying not to break down again. There's no pain, so that's good. And no more bleeding, which is even better. The feeling you got when you found blood on your underwear was the worst thing in the world. For a moment, a desperate moment, you thought you were going to lose the baby. You wanted to yell, but you didn't have it in you.

If it wasn't for Keanu, you don't know what you'd do.

Now, still walking terribly slow out of nervousness, you leave the hospital bathroom, finding Keanu seated on the edge of your bed, already looking at you.

“Hi, beautiful.” He says, and you remember this was one of the first things he said to you. “Come and lie down. Why did you put the dress on again?”

“Because it's clean and I don't want to stay here.” Instead of doing as he said, you stand before him, your forehead on his chest. “I thought I was going to lose our baby.” Your voice cracks as some tears roll down, arms around his midsection.

“I already spoke to the doctor.” Immediately, you pull away, just enough to look into his eyes. “He assured me you're both alright.”

“Are you sure, Ke?” You plead, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I almost lost my mind.”

“He wants you to rest and that's all. He–” He's cut short by the door being open, and you see Dr. Wright and your obstetrician.

“First of all, you must know the baby is alright.” Dr. Williams says as she comes closer, a tablet on her hands. “Sometimes, such discharges happen, mostly as you progress from the second to the third trimester.” She kindly smiles. “Everything you two need to do is keep up the good job. Make sure to rest, eat healthily, and exercise. But I'll recommend you to lie down for the rest of the day, ok?”

“Ok.” You quickly agree.

“It would be good to avoid surprises. The bad ones at least.” Dr. Wright adds, oddly staring at Keanu. But that's normal, he still needs to look after you, so some things are directed to him. “But we have good news today, right, Dr. Williams?”

“Yes.” From under the tablet, she takes a picture from the ultrasound and hands over to you. “The baby was in a good position and we already know the sex.”

“Oh my God.” You exclaim, smiling for the first time since the incident. “What is it?”

Dr. Williams smiles, exchanging a glance with Dr. Wright. “Mr. and Mrs. Reeves, you'll be having a baby boy.”

“It's Liam!” You yell, throwing your arms around Keanu again. “I was right!”

“You were right.” He agrees, a second before you kiss him, not minding the audience.

“Well, you're free to go home. And call me if you need anything.” Dr. Wright says and the obstetrician agrees before they both leave.

At least something good happened today. You'll finally be able to paint the blank white walls of the baby's bedroom, and buy what you still need.

“I was right.” You repeat, smirking at Keanu. “But we can try again and maybe it'll be a girl. I mean, if we ever spoke about having more than one kid.” Blushing a little, you bite your lip. There are still a lot of things you need to be updated on, and you still get a little sad when it happens.

“I'd love to have more kids if that's what you want, sweetheart,” Keanu says and you smile, kissing him again. “But now let's go home. You need to lie down for the day.”

“Can we stop and buy the paint for Liam's room? We already know the color so it'll only take a minute.” You know you have to rest, but you can't help but feel excited for finally being able to finish off the baby's bedroom. “Please? I'll stay in the car.”

Keanu gives you a look because sometimes you don't always do as you said you would. “Fine, but you won't be painting anything. I can do it myself.”

Nodding, you watch as he takes your bag and guides you out of the hospital room you hate so much. Hopefully, there will be a day you won't have to keep coming here, not because of some incident and not for any appointments.

You did wait in the car this time, and as much as you wanted to hit the mall and buy everything blue and green, Keanu forces you to give up the idea and head straight home. And when you get there, you have his undivided attention. He doesn't only make an incredible lunch, and an incredible dinner, he gives your legs a massage, and it takes a lot of effort to just lie down instead of jumping on him. But this is peaceful, slow, and sweet.

In the weeks that follow, nothing bad happens. You feel great, but you also heavier. Liam is growing fast, and you can't wait any longer to meet him. And neither can Keanu. He gets even more protective with time if that's even possible. And after you almost slipped in the shower, you're not even allowed to shower by yourself. Of course you pretend you're annoyed, but the truth is that you love it.

Despite feeling uncomfortable during this period, Keanu makes everything perfect. There are still no signs you'll get the memories back, and that's a fact now, but you'll follow your psychologist's advice. And Laura's advice, since they're pretty much the same. Living in the past will only get in the way of what's happening now. You have an amazing husband, who loves you deeply, and a child on the way. The present is wonderful, and you won't let anything ruin it.

You're around week 37 now, marking it on the calendar on the fridge door, a hand on your back as you make your way to the kitchen table. Keanu is still upstairs, and you take this chance to pour some honey on your plate. You're still eating the awkward combination when he comes to the kitchen, and you try not to let him see. But Keanu sees everything, and when he takes his place across from you, you feel his eyes burning.

“What?” You innocently ask, shrugging your shoulders.

“Are you eating bacon with honey?”

Biting your lip, you raise an eyebrow at him. “I happen to love honey. And bacon. So it makes sense.” He giggles and you kick his leg under the table. “Don't mess with the pregnant lady.” Warning him, you push the plate away. “I'm done anyway. I'll move to the couch if you don't mind, my back really hurts.”

“Sure. I'll join you in a bit.”

“Ok.” Dragging yourself to the living room, you lie down, hands on your swollen belly. You're almost drifting off to sleep when you feel Keanu sitting down, lifting your legs so he can move closer, caressing your thighs. “Ke, I'm huge.” You complain, eyes on the bump.

“You're beautiful.” Bending down, he places a kiss on your exposed belly, since you have the shirt pulled up. “Absolutely gorgeous.”

“Yeah, I doubt that.” Pouting a little, you try to hold back the giggle when you see his eyebrow raised.

“I would love to show how beautiful I think you are, but Dr. Williams told us to give it a little break.”

“Don't even remind me.” You never complained about anything with your obstetrician, but when she told you and Keanu should probably avoid sleeping together, you had to speak up. Even though your cheeks were burning. But in the end, you did comply. And you wouldn't have much of a choice anyway, since Keanu does everything the doctors say. “I heard your phone beeping. Everything alright in Arch?”

“Yes. That was just Lucia.” He says, obviously a little annoyed. “She just moved here. She's renting an apartment not so far away.”

“What the hell.” Sighing, you roll your eyes. This woman won't leave you alone, it doesn't matter what you say. “Why is she doing that? Isn't it obvious we don't want her around?” A couple of weeks ago she showed up again, and another argument happened. Keanu had to kick her out because the recommendations were that you shouldn't be put under any kind of stress.

“She loves you and the baby. That's why she wants to be around.” You don't get it. Keanu doesn't like her either, so why does he still speak like this?

“I know you can't stand her, you don't have to fake it with me.”

“But this isn't about me, sweetheart, it's about you and the people who were in your life before.”

The kindness in his voice makes you sit up, wrapping your arms around his neck. “You're amazing, did you know that?” Placing kisses on his face, you smile. “I love you. I'm worried to death and I'm trying not to get anxious with the labor, but you're making everything perfect. You're the best husband I could ever have.”

“I'm just trying to be the husband you deserve.” With a hand caressing your cheek, Keanu kisses you full on the lips, and you take no time before kissing him back. You don't know what you'd do without him, but luckily, you won't ever have to find out.

×

@multific @inumorph @aestheticallywinchester @bvbwestfall @liviiii98 @allie1804-fan @gian-giannina @playboygeniusphilanthropist @partypoison00 @mariafetamina @fortheloveoffanfic @trin303

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 7

When we finally arrived at Sue's house Chris walked with me to the front door... i nearly tripped at one point but luckily he managed to grab my arm and keep me upright! I had whispered a quiet 'thanks' before knocking lightly on her front door. Sue opened the door ushering us inside and leading the way to the living room where i saw Mason curled up on the sofa. He was asleep but he looked white and sweaty, there was a bowl on the floor beside his head incase he was sick again.

"He hasn't been asleep long, i think he wore himself out crying"

"Chris can you get Mason please? I can't carry him like this...."

"Yeah sure, i got him" he quickly moved forward and scooped Mason up into him arms.

"Mama...." Mason moaned looking around for me.

"Im right here baby, your dads gonna carry you out to the car".

"God you weren't kidding bout that fever" Chris added looking down at Mason in concern.

"Im gonna get him home, thanks for watching him Sue"

"Sure thing hon, hope he feels better soon. Here, take the bowl incase he gets sick on the drive home" she smiled passing me the plastic bowl that had been next to Mason.

The drive home i had Mason cradled against me as he slept, the seat belt going around the both of us being as we had no car seat in Chris's car!!

God i felt like a crappy mom tonight!

When we got home i sat with Mason on the sofa and stripped him down to his underwear to try and cool him down.

"Chris could you get me a cold washcloth please, there should be some in the pile of laundry on the table"

"Sure" he rushed off to grab the cloth, Mason was just laying against my chest, whimpering slightly.

"Here you go" Chris passed me the cloth and sat beside us "i got him some water too, he should be drinking plenty of fluids"

"Thanks" i smiled before folding the cloth and laying it over Mason's forehead. He moaned at the coldness but soon settled again clinging onto me, it didn't take long until he was asleep. I sighed in relief and carefully moved forward in my seat so i could lay him down.... i was desperate for the bathroom!! Mason stirred and held on tighter, for such a little thing he had a grip on him.

"Can you try taking him i really need to pee!" I looked at Chris with desperate eyes. He chuckled and managed to pry Mason off of me and into his arms.

While i was in the bathroom i wiped off my make up and tied my hair up before getting changed into my pyjama's.... it was gonna be a long night. Once i was done i headed to the kitchen and made coffee, hopefully it would help sober me up a bit more.

"Ah fuck!" I cursed as i sloshed the coffee onto the floor while making my way back to the living room "i made coffee, you might still have some left if you're lucky"

"Thanks" Chris looked up and smiled, i didn't miss the way he looked me up and down either.

"Does he still feel hot? If his temperature doesn't start to go down soon we'll have to try a lukewarm bath maybe give him some Tylenol...."

"Yeah his still hot, but it doesn't seem to be getting worse"

"This is so unlike him, Mason never gets sick. I can literally count on one hand the amount of times his been sick" i shook my head "i'm so close to freaking out right now you have no idea...."

"Calm down sweetheart, he'll be fine"

"Thank you for staying with us, i probably would've been calling my mom in hysterics if you hadn't been here"

"There's no where else id rather be" he said looking down at Mason lovingly.

"Right.... i should probably text Scott let him know we're home" i got up to grab my phone from my purse and started a text to Scott. We had dropped him at his place on the way to collect Mason.

There was a message from Derek on my phone too which i quickly skimmed, he was saying how much he enjoyed meeting me and wanted to know if i wanted to get dinner with him sometime!! I decided i'd reply to him in the morning and put my phone on the table, Mason was the only thing i could deal with right now.

I applied a fresh cloth to Masons forehead and checked his temperature, slowly but surely it was going down. I sat beside him and Chris on the sofa and sighed in relief.

"Looks like his fever is easing off finally" i said yawning and letting my head fall back against the sofa, we'd been up for hours now keeping watch on Mason.

"Yeah, thank god" Chris mumbled as he carefully tried to move Mason in his arms.

"You want me to take him?"

"No no, i'm good, my arm has fallen asleep is all" he smiled.

"You sure? i don't mind...."

"We're all good".

We sat in silence with the TV on low for some background noise and i couldn't help but look at Chris and how natural he was at being a dad.

"You should get some sleep, you look exhausted" Chris suddenly said interrupting my internal thoughts!

"You trying to tell me i look like shit Chris?" I asked raising my eyebrows at him.

"What?? No!! I didn't mean that..."

"Im fucking with you relax" i chuckled shaking my head.

"You looked beautiful tonight" i heard him say quietly, maybe i wasn't supposed to hear him but i did.

"Its amazing what you can do with some make up and clothes that aren't sweats and t-shirts"

"You look beautiful without make up even wearing your sweats and a t-shirt, i just meant that you looked good. I personally prefer this version of you"

"Haha, now i know your just trying to make me feel better....i'm a mess!"

"Prettiest girl i know" he said giving me that smirk of his.... my god damn weakness!!

"Are you just saying this because you think i'm drunk and wont remember?? Because i'll have you know i have mostly sobered up by this point"

"Im well aware, i just..... never mind. You should try and get some sleep".

I nodded agreeing with him, the conversation was about to turn awkward and i wasn't ready for that!

"Wake me up if Mason needs me...?"

"Of course".

When i woke up again i had somehow ended up cuddled up against Chris! He had his arm around me, my head resting on his chest, Mason still sleeping on his other side. To anyone who saw us and didn't know better we looked like the perfect little family. I felt myself start to panic..... i shouldn't have let myself get this close to him! It was too easy to fall back into that comfortable routine we always had..... but we didn't have that anymore, at least i didn't think we did. I carefully eased away from him making sure he was still sleeping and made a quick exit to the kitchen, he didn't need to know about this!

As i started making some coffee and toast i heard the soft voice of my baby boy. As i stuck my head round the door i saw he was sitting up talking with Chris, he looked so much better this morning thank god.

"Where's mom?" I heard him ask and i stepped into the living room giving him a smile.

"Im right here bud, how you feeling?" I asked as i sat in front of them on the coffee table, i reached over to hold the back of my hand against his forehead "looks like your fever is almost gone"

"Im hungry"

"I bet! But its dry toast for you buddy. You've gotta go easy for a little while.... are you still feeling sick?"

"No, not anymore"

"Okay thats good!".

"Dad are you staying for breakfast?" Mason asked.

"Um...."

"Pleaseeee" Mason begged looking at him with those eyes that were exactly like his dads, Chris looked at me waiting for my say so.

"Its fine with me, if you have time..."

"I do! Yeah of course!" He said quickly nodding his head with a huge smile.

After we had all eaten Chris took Mason for his bath after Mason insisted he go with his dad. While they were gone i sent a text to Scott with an update and saw a missed call from Hannah, i sat at the kitchen table and quickly called her back.

"Hey! Hows Mace?? My mom said you had to come get him last night"

"Yeah it was eventful, he had a fever and was being sick" i sighed "Chris stayed to help out with Mason... i had had so much to drink Han"

"You let him stay..."

"To help with Mason yeah"

"Hmmm of you say so" she laughed

"Shut up, what happened to you last night, huh?? You disappeared with Troy"

"I know, im sorry but did you see him?? I knew you were okay with Scott. So what about you and Derek?? He seemed very interested"

"He was nice" i nodded "he texted me last night but i haven't had a chance to reply yet"

"But your gonna right??"

"Yeah...."

"Y/N text him back!! That man was gorgeous!!"

"I will"

"Don't make me come round there"

"Oh god Han, your so pushy" i laughed.

"Only because i love you"

"I love you too, i gotta go though i'll speak to you later".

When i walked into the living room Mason was sat on the sofa watching cartoons and Chris was gathering his things.

"Your leaving already?"

"Yeah i've got a meeting at 11:00am..."

"Okay, well thanks for last night"

"Sure, anytime" he smiled "hey, i was wondering if next weekend i could take Mason to meet my mom? She's been asking when she can meet him...."

"Um.... yeah sure"

"You can come too if you want? I know my mom would be happy to see you" he said with a smile.

"Okay" i nodded "it'll just be us though right? I don't want Mason getting overwhelmed with too many new people"

"Yeah of course, maybe Scott too if he finds out you know what his like"

"Thats fine" i nodded with a smile knowing exactly what Scott was like.

"Thank you, i should go.... can i come by later though? Id like to check in on Mason"

"Sure, i'm sure he'd like that"

"I'll see you later then" he smiled before heading over to Mason "bye buddy i gotta go to work for a bit but i'll come see you later"

"Okay, bye dad".

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina @mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post #9 - Metotrex-HATE

August 20th: Life’s funny sometimes. When it’s going easy, you cruise through and enjoy all the good times. It’s easy. It’s like playing a video game on speed run. On the flip side, when life’s difficult, time slows down to a fraction of normal. You drag through hour by hour, looking for when some positivity will come.

My past week has been so incredibly tough. I never felt like a cancer patient before, but as bad as it is to say, I certainly do now.

I wrote in my last blog that “Day 10 is when things pick up again volume wise and from them until the finish, I'll basically be on a drip 24/7 and constantly have to be monitored - totally different to these first five days.” My god I couldn’t have been more correct.

Day 10 of my treatment started about 3:30pm on August 9th and was a 24hour chemo drug called Metotrexate. I was on this drip for 24 hours and I had no idea what it was going to do or how it was going to leave me. I do now!

This drug finished around 3:30pm on Saturday August 10th with the aim of it to kill my immune system and blood cells and leave me a walking corpse...and no surprise, that’s exactly what it did.

Last week, starting from as soon as the Metotrexate finished I was so incredibly sick. It’s hard to explain, but I’d definitely take the flu over what I just experienced...and I’m still not through the woods yet. The first few days weren’t too bad, I was simply tired with no energy. I slept during the day and night. I had no motivation to get up, move or do anything. So I didn’t. I slept.

The next few days things started to get worse and worse. Picture this, one day you’re perfectly normal with normal temperatures and heart rates. The next day, your temperature soars above 40 degrees and your heart rate is constantly sitting dangerously between 125-140BPM. This second part was me for the next few days. The scariest moment was last Wednesday when Courtney was here. I was sitting in the seat next to my bed, just sitting. Doing nothing. The nurse comes into do my observations and I start to sweat and feel weak. My heart rate is sitting at 145BPM, temperature at 40.3. I feel like i’m going to pass out, I actually think I do. The nurse demands Courtney to press the emergency button and everybody comes rushing in. This is what was my first of three Medical Emergency Calls (Medcall) for the 48 hour period. It was scary. Fortunately, my resident haematology doctor Adam was working late for whatever reason and took charge of the Medcall. Once I’d ‘come to’ slightly, Adam asked if I could move to my bed. It legitimately wouldn’t have been any more than a metre if that but it seemed like he’d asked me to run three in cricket - something we all know is never going to happen! I got up and staggered across and fell onto bed and by then, an announcement was on the loudspeaker.

“Medcall Adult, Monash Medical Centre. Ward 44. Haematology”

Before I knew it, I had 25 people in the room and was getting hooked up to an ECG machine. It truly was scary for me. Courtney was a trooper though. She stood in the corner and watched what was unfolding. In a way, I think we were both settled at the fact my resident doctor Adam lead it from start to finish. If he wasn’t there, who knows how we’d both have been.

It happened again another two times - both 7am and 7pm the next day. These two were far less scary because I knew what to expect.

At this stage, it’s Thursday August 15 and I am at the lowest of low. My mouth, throat and stomach are ravaged with ulcers. Something I don’t think I was ever going to avoid! I’m not hungry. I can’t eat due to these ulcers and drinking is near impossible.

I’m in incredible pain, all over. I have no immune system or anything to fight infection - which I was obviously getting with all my fevers. The pain team came around to see me and suggested I went on both Ketamine and Oxycodone to help with the pain. I was in no state to argue, so that I did. Boy oh boy did these give me two days of hallucinations though! Spiders climbing across the walls, people surrounding me talking when I slept; it was such a throw around.

All whilst this is happening, my hair is starting to fall out. Something I knew would eventually occur but never expected it to actually happen. It was bad. I was pulling chunks of hair out of my hair and beard. It was surreal. Alas, mum came in to cut my hair and Courtney brought in my razor to give it a shave. Both were tough tasks feeling so unwell, but we got there in the end.

Saturday August 17th around 2:30pm is when I started to pick up a little bit. I was able to sit up out of bed and try and entertain a conversation. Everyday since then has gotten better and better, albeit incredibly slowly. That puts us at today. I’m up out of bed, sitting next to my window writing a blog - something that was a world away a week ago! Only mum, dad and Courtney would understand as they have been there everyday through my lowest.

How am I today? I’d be lying if I said I were great however I’m the best I have been in a fortnight. I still have mouth ulcers and still struggle to swallow tablets and drink water. I expect this to go over the next two days - there’s just one ulcer at the back of my throat that is giving me grief. As a result, I’ve been taking a routine mouthwash three times a day to numb my mouth. The Peter Mac mouthwash, a cocaine based liquid followed by a lignocaine gel. Between these three, I’m able to ‘clean’ my mouth, numb the ulcers and make it bearable to either eat yoghurt and take my tablets - but trust me, it is still incredible tough.

Today marks Day 20 of my 16 Day treatment and as soon as my white blood cells return to a normal count, I’ll be allowed to go home for a few days before I start my next round of treatment next week. Apparently the white blood cells need to be 1-1.5 and mine were at 0.3 yesterday and 0.5 today. Hopefully, just hopefully my bone marrow kicks into gear over the next day or two and I’ll be home towards the end of the week - that’s the goal anyway! I’ve been hooked up to a drip 24/7 for the past 11 days and quite frankly, I’m over having a buddy to take everywhere. I can’t change my shirt so I’ve had to wear the same shirt for three or four days in a row. For those that know me, should know I love being clean. So that’s killed me. It’s also made showering hard, but no impossible. It just depends on my mood. I’ve been here 38 days straight and it’s just starting to get to me. What I’d do for a few days at home is a killer.

I spoke to my Doctor Adam yesterday who advised September 22nd was in the realms of possible for me to get to the fundraiser those closest to me are organising. A day that I’m really looking forward to and I just hope I can make it. Details are below.

That’s about it from me for now, hopefully this explains why I’ve been M.I.A for so bloody long. I have left out a lot of other details and touched over the basic stuff...so just trust me when I say this Chemotherapy and cancer business certainly isn’t easy! Until next time,

Much love.

Juzz xx