#hopefully my sickness will like... stop
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#va appeal hearing was today#not a fun time to have to try to granularly recall everything that. yknow. permanently destroyed my body and mind and life.#probably went fine? definitely cried in front of the judge but everyone was super cool about it.#also thank god my wife was there they let her give testimony as both my wife and as a doctor#(which she is)#(obviously)#but like I'm still So Sick and it's all this up and down and we're still fighting to get stabilized so I usually don't have time or energy#to like stop and look around at the quicksand I've been keeping myself afloat in this whole time#but today was very much 'hey tell me about this quicksand huh'#and it's just like a lot to deal with yknow#I'll be fine it's just A Lot#anyway shoutout to the folks who are either kind or nosy enough to read my tag rambles all the time lol#(the actual decision will still take up to 2 more years btw)#(hopefully not! but they said it could)#(although apparently a board denial isn't the end of the road anymore which is news to me)#(maybe they changed it in the 44 months since I filed for the appeal hearing lol)#(not a typo)#favorites
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I’ve been working on something on the side for a long while now and almost to the point where I can start showing it here
#luka posting#I’m so nervous but I’m also so fucking excited#this will be the second time I ever do something this large of a project. hopefully this time we see it through to the end#but this is within my comfort zone so I shouldn’t stop suddenly like that month challenge that went badly HAHAHA#but I’ve been practicing on my speed and been planning it ALL so I think I’ll be good#hopefully classes don’t mess with my art time 😔#Im nervous and excited ough I’ll be sick 🧎I need to spoil it all NOWWW#untagged project
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always some looney tunes shit happening to me
#got off the bus for work then went home half an hour later and it was the same driver 😭 he was like damn short day huh?#at least they sent me home from work for another sick day thank fuuuuckkk#i just wanna watch farscape and paint but im too nauseous to look at anything 😭 going to take a nap and hopefully itll pass after#.diaries#getting codeine withdrawal from stopping taking it for cramps is so embarrassingggg.....the trials i go thru#i forgot how bad it is cuz it takes a few days to leave my system blegh. it doesnt even rly work anymore bc of my tolerance#next time I'll be honest so I don't have to go thru all this bs for the pretense of sobriety its not like anyone would mind anyway#insane to willingly suffer thru cramps raw and then suffer thru this too when I have a functional alternative w minimal side effects#bitches will literally do anything to avoid having one mildly awkward conversation
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You know when you've been sick for a week and your appetite has been absent and then you just barely start to feel better and suddenly you're STARVING
Yeah. I'm starving
#i can actually breathe through my nose a tiny bit#and i feel a bit less like i've been hit by a truck#was able to do a load of dishes without stopping to blow my nose or choke#so... hopefully it will keep getting better 🤞🤞#but yeah I need to grab a snack holy heck#mod post#sick mod#<- hopefully not for much longer
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So it turns out if I make this pattern with actual canvas instead of what I thought was canvas (it’s duck cloth) it’s a softer, more “reusable grocery bag” kind of bag and less of a tote?
This one is for my grandma! I think I’m making them for pretty much everyone on my list for the holidays this year
#sewing#handmade#reusable shopping bag#I am very early for the holidays but you gotta hop on the inspiration train while you have inspiration#I think im going to make three or four more of these in the next week#hopefully all this weekend? but we’ll see#I have Monday off work#and then I’ll make myself either finish the quilt for my grandma’s dog or do an auction fill#I might not do the auction this year? my new meds are great but oh not#*oh boy the executive function issues are sooo much worse#I suspect it’s just the ‘oh I actually have extra energy again’ problem because this is very much what it was like for me before I got sick#but I should stop accepting commissions it’ll take me forever to finish#well not commissions. auction fills
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sometimes it’s just… ‘oh had so much fun on vacation!’ ‘went to a cool concert!’ ‘had a fun day out with my friends!’ cool??? don’t remember what the fuck that’s like since i’m constantly the one forced to be in charge of everything ever.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[i have a car? of COURSE I must be the ride if anybody wants to do anything. that’s my fucking JOB. birthday? figure out my own plans. can’t#exactly make them because Mia’s sick. have a devastatingly depressing birthday in my house trying not to cry all day. vacation??? lmfao I#haven’t gone anywhere in three fucking years what’s that like??? I am absolutely bitter and exhausted and fucking angry. I have no family#left because they all died. and the last person I DO have is so sick the only enrichment I can receive is taking care of her. until#hopefully she gets better. but when is THAT guaranteed in my shithole fucking life??? I love spiraling with no way to remedy the issue#because I literally live with the fucking issue and she’s the last thing I have. basically: fuck life and fuck this. I don’t even know what#it’s like. I don’t even know how to fucking enjoy anything anymore because I CANT. THERE IS NO OPPORTUNITY TO. I DO NOT HAVE ONE. In fact I#have to do MODULES FOR WORK. THAT. THAT is the most FUCKING stimulation I can get. whatever. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate#everything everything everything. and this is purposeless because it ain’t gonna stop! anytime soon! ever!]#medical /#negativity /#negative /
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brutally reminded that somewhere out there is a physical copy of an absolutely terrible detective conan genderbend au i wrote when i was like 12
i am not thriving today so here's a tag rant
#i haven't thought about that in YEARS but i'm realizing i do NOT remember trashing the notebook it was in#and it may be at my mom's house#hopefully completely untouched because she got so madddddd when she saw any of my non-school writing as a kid#i may have to sneak off to find and burn it with extreme prejudice next time i'm visiting her#(also your skyler lore of the day: i turned fully anti-religion for myself once my mom started telling me jesus wouldn't approve of my fics#(keep in mind that these were 100% G-rated like i didn't know what any cool teen or adult stuff even WAS yet)#also someone at work got me SICK and i am NOT giving up another writing day this week#so fever-addled me may be about to write several thousand terrible words#but future me can edit that so it's f i n e#ALSO ALSO#tw sa mention in remaining tags!#i stopped on my way home from my trip and jesus fuck you wanna know where i randomly ended up?#8 miles from my rapist's current address#and i ran into 3 of his coworkers in the 30 minutes i took to get lunch#what a terribly small world#(yes i know i should not keep tabs on him but it makes me feel safe to be sure of where he is so stfu on that)
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since my ateez concert i have been so mentally well?? it feels almost weird 😭🥹 they Cured me fr
#i've even been a lil sick yesterday and today#but mentally I feel so Well and Good#hopefully the post concert depression won't hit 🫵#idk it's weird bc I feel like mentally i've done a lot better this year so far 🙂↕️#very happy about that#I have stayed true to my new year resolution to stop giving a fuck about most things#especially work related#and try to not worry about things I can't control#maybe you don't have to be stuck in your brain prison forever huh#that's crazy#in conclusion: stop worrying and go to more concerts 🙂↕️✅
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#i feel like im building sandcastles with dry sand#im just. i dunno. im frustrated and tired and resentful of the fact that in order to recover u have to rest#bc i mean i haven't been like cough cough sick. my immune system was freaking thr fuck out for 10 days and i can feel the damage internally#like. i compulsively exercise and theres this feeling u get when u kno ur stressed and run down but u dont stop physically overextending#like u can feel the muscles start to tear and not heal. and thats how i started to feel last week#so its like i kno i need to rest but its like. u just had a 5 day weekend ur supposed to b refreshed for the end of the semester#but no. im just discouraged and tired. back to making dry sandcastles. shocking. when u feel bad its harder to function#lets see how this affects my ccaps score when i see my therapist Monday lol#itll b fine. just frustrating. im gonna meet with my advisor tomorrow and b like yo my ability to function had been severely limited in the#last week and a half. but yes im not ready to try reviving some new cultures. and hopefully i can autoclave at some point#i just feel like im being lazy and i hate it#the burdon of being ill of body and mind#unrelated
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there are two wolves inside of you: one feels impending doom at the thought of tomorrow’s race. the other feels immensely hopeful that oscar will get his first win tomorrow or at the very least a mclaren 1-2. you are a formula one fan.
#i’m literally about to fucking throw up#this race doesnt even start for another 8 hours but i feel actually sick#like this is keeping me up#(yes i have a TOTALLY normal and healthy relationship with this sport)#you guys literally dont even understand the ways of which i need oscar to get his first win tomorrow#like i can literally feel it in my bones i just KNOW he can do it#like i know he can and i really feel like tomorrow is the day for it#however i am very very scared that the more i keep thinking about it and saying it the more i am jinxing it#like i’m literally imagining everything that could possibly go wrong#but i’m also beautifully imagining the way that oscar is going to get a perfect start and overtake lando (so sorry lando)#and build a big enough gap to where he can win the race#i need the mclaren pitwall to lock the fuck in today like i am nowhere near joking when i say i will start hysterically sobbing#if they fuck it up#alternatively i will start hysterically sobbing if oscar/lando wins so really theres no winning for me in that sense#but also i cannot even imagine the amount of pressure that both lando and oscar must be under right now#like i do not know how they do it because imagining it is further making me sick#me when i develop an anxious attachment style to two drivers and also an entire sport#lol#didnt have that on my 2024 bingo#anyway so im lraying to fucking god that the race goes okay because otherwise im killing myself#and i think i am perfectly valid in saying that#im also getting lunch with my two other friends who watch f1 a few hours after the race tomorrow#so regardless the race is going to be talked about but it will very much vary oh whether or not its good or bad#anyway im going to stop talking about this now because ive been doing nothing but talking about it all day#and i like genuinely need to shut the fuck up#SO i am going to hopefully go to sleep#we’ll see how this ends up going for me#lacey talks
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post that’s like ‘u Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sick’ bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasn’t so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. i’m that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i don’t write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and that’s obviously not sustainable. but idk if it’s adhd or what but it’s So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then i’m Goin’ and i can’t stop until i’m Done or i collapse from ignoring my body’s needs lmao#it’s something i should make an effort to do though bc i’d love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! 🎉#i got the follow-up to last year’s Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the ol’ keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didn’t put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik they’ll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that i’ll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt • 2. HiH Ch.3 • 3. [N]MbD small fic • 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then i’m gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then i’ll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i also wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe i’ll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year 😭#anyways ik i’ve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so don’t put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. i’d really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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#small update post#long story very short: my mom passed away from cancer last week#she'd been sick for a few years but went into a sharp decline we weren't expecting#so everything is a mess with house & medical bills and family being here and all kinds of stuff#and i am also. a mess#idk if i'm going into an art hiatus or if when i manage to process everything i'll just want to Make Things#might open commissions like i'd been thinking about#definitely looking to set up a storefront for prints like i'd been meaning to for ages#idk when. probably when days stop blending together. hopefully soon#so yeah. hope you're all doing well. thanks for reading 🖤#🤖🦉
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Really feels like my body is just collapsing rn
#got sick at the beginning of the year then sick again in February#now not sick but my birth control may or may not be giving up on me#you know the thing I need to prevent anemia#alex speaks#hopefully it’s nothing but if this ends up being the year of the reckoning I think it’d be pretty valid of me to crash out#btw the reckoning is what I’m calling the god awful period I feel like I’ll have if my birth control stops
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god willing this is some dark and disturbing and troubling time before the clouds part and things actually get better
#it really feels like things have been spiraling downward across the board for about a decade now.#maybe just my clinical depression talking idk. but i can’t stand the idea of things continuing to get Worse.#like something has to give right? this has to be some wakeup call right?#and who i am as a queer person? there’s no running from that. for me. i can’t hide it. there is no ‘detransitioning’ for me.#detransition into what? i am what i am and you’re telling me i have to put up with THIS bs?? i just wanna live my life!!!#so genuinely. something has to fucking give and the whole world has to stop being insane. eventually. hopefully sooner than we think.#i’m tired of cruelty. i’m tired of fighting. i’m tired of the stupid culture war. i’m tired of everything being so fucking expensive.#i’m tired of the bigotry. tired of the attacks on trans kids. tired of this completely avoidable loss of life and dignity.#please let this be just. the death throes of some monster who hasn’t yet realized how decayed it is.#sick of this shit.
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Sooo...my mother invited over the woman who assaulted me, and now she's sitting in our front yard, renovating our garden...I feel so shaky and sick
#text post#Creature speaks#I can't stop trembling#I want to go out there and scream at her and beat her to a bloody pulp#I want to cry for hours and be held by someone I trust#I'm utterly miserable right now#And I doubt she'll be leaving any time soon#Hopefully my father will be home within the next hour so I'll have a distraction#Oh this woman also brought along her best friend who picked up my 2yo nephew without asking while he was blackout drunk (he drove here)#Which like...i get it. Addiction blows. He's sick. But he picked up a stranger's child and swung him around. While drunk.
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FUCK THE SICKNESS IS BACK!! DAMN YOU FREEZING WEATHER!! GRRR >:[
Please.. just one day of freedom.. I need to post my gays.. guh..
#i feel like im on my death bed holy shit#what the hell?? hello??#no school again for me.. blehh#apologetically rambling#i havent been posting a lot of art stuff because the sickness is punching me down#i apologize for the lack of au stuff i swear i have a lot of stuff on hand#im just sick this week#hopefully i haves strength to post something tomorrow#im slowly working on a digitaltime comic and i haves a ton of art in my sketchbook#RELEASE ME FROM MY SHACKLES AHHHHH-#i hate winter >:[#winter hater till the day i die#stop making me sad and sick#grr >:[
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