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readmanybooks · 1 year ago

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A warm welcome & Introduction

Dear reader,

welcome to 'ReadManyBooks' Araya's View~!

In this blog I will mainly discuss reviews, recommendations, and simply share my thoughts on books. (Who would've thought- HA!)

Yeah, no... I simply need an outlet to share with people. My body contains a lot of feelings, thoughts and emotions about certain things and sharing this with friends who aren't that much into reading, which became a kind of a problem felt like trying to explain to an IT person, what brush you would use for doing your make-up. Or something similar to that, you feel me? So here I am on my balcony, throwing my thoughts left and right on how to do a proper introduction to so many random strangers, thinking of what could catch your interest to keep you here, captivated, locked in. With me. Alone. I mean we might share an interest here and there and that is probably why you even started reading this specific post in general, right? :')

Speaking of interest...

Reading has been on my hobby list for many, many years. By the age of 12, I read the book series 'The Faerie Path' by Allan Frewin Jones. It had me fully embracing and day dreaming of growing my own pair of wings and escaping the mortal life. It brought me into worlds and perspectives to life with someone else's view and wishing me to be there. I remember making 'Looking for Alaska' by John Green, my whole personality. (It was the first book I read in 7 hours without any breaks and lots and lots of tears.)

Just as I was fully diving into the endless depths of books, video games took a big toll on me. Once I got my computer set up into my room, and wasn't restricted to play hours anymore, I had become a gamer and after school hours, it has been more than 8 hours that I spent regularly in front of the flat screen. Playing the Sims or League of Legends with online friends I had made over the years.

Things were still the same until mid January 2024. At this point not only have I suffered from chronic migraines, but I also got plagued by the thought of sitting in front of the computer feeling useless and losing myself in games, like my so-called father. Guessing from how I talk about him, you should now know it is not the greatest connection that I maintain. But I made that decision and found my home back in my books. February started and I turned 25. Time flies. Yikes.

I set up a GoodReads Account, ordered way too many books and a kindle by the end of march. That I now came to the point, I wanna share all of this with you. Therefore I am writing this post hoping it will reach the right people to connect with.

My reading journey, began with Abby Jimenez's 'Yours Truly', sadly it didn't get into this year's reading challenge. It is not much not lost to be honest, but it makes me quite sad, that I started that series with book 2 instead of book 1. (I will still read book 1 and 3 in the future and review it, without book 2.)

I did some buddy readings with What.The.Book which I hope will also conclude into a featured review, from the both of us, when we comeback with buddy readings. Her Instagram page already has been a continuously book review page. So feel free, to check out to see what she has been up to.

For myself I have been following Leijla for quite a while, before reaching out and starting reading with her and gaining a wonderful friend. Books that we read were the full series of Pip's & Ravi's Crime thriller, 'A good girls guide to murder', 'Good Girl, Bad Blood' & 'As Good As Dead' by Holly Jackson and the first book 'Emily Wildes's Encyclopedia of Faeries' a novel by Heather Fawcett. We will continue the adventures of Emily in September. So be excited of what is to come. :) For myself, I am currently (1/6/24) 30 Books into my 50 Books reading Challenge of 2024. By mid March I was already at 20 Books in and I had to expand the goal for this year. There is no denying in not doing it again. I stopped the time for fun, and need 48mins and 36 seconds for 50 pages, without any breaks and interruptions. I wouldn't call myself a fast reader, but I read many books, because of a lot of free time that I have. I read at least one book on my kindle and 2 physical books.

My current ones are:

'The Housemaid' by Freida McFadden a Mystery Thriller following ex-felon Millie in her new job as a Housemaid, and figuring out her work life along her 'crazy' Employer Nina Winchester. Wondering what she has to bring to the story and what is behind people's talk about Nina.

'A Court of Mist and Fury' by Sarah J. Maas The second book of the Fae Romantasy 'ACOTAR' (A court of thorns and roses) (A mix between Romance & Fantasy), where Feyre, learns more about the politics and people of Prythian, with a soul of mortals and a immortal body.

'The Age of Magical Overthinking' by Amanda Montell Notes on Modern Irrationality. How ones internal thoughts can have an affect on unrelated events.

I will write a book review on 'A court of thorns and roses' shortly and follow up with the ones that I continue reading. But for a start this introduction hopefully will do. :) Will see you soon in the next post! Yours Truly, Araya.

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whitesparrows97 · 3 years ago

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Almost everything and almost nothing at all

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x female Reader

Warnings: None, it’s just pure fluff

Genre: Fluff, romance, idolverse, strangers to maybe lovers in the future

Rating: 18+

Summary: Valentine’s Day. A day full of missed opportunities and things that could have been. But a short stop at a café might just turn this day around.

Word Count: 4K

A/N: This is a short little story for @thebtswritersclub February prompt “almost”. I saw Namjoon posting how he went to those cute little cafés, so how could I not write a story full of fluff about it?

I’m still recovering from my surgery I had three weeks ago, so I’m not 100% back into writing yet. I still hope you will enjoy this little story! If you do, please let me know – it would make me really happy! Have a great day!

“Brrrr.” Namjoon rubbed his gloved hands together. He had been riding his bike one-handed all the way there, warming up his free hand in the pocket of his jacket. Still, it had hurt when he peeled his fingers off the handlebars, and he wouldn’t be surprised if they broke from the movement.

He shook himself to release the snowflakes that had collected on his beanie and with a satisfied smile, he looked up and hurried up the path to the café. Oval slabs of stone made their way through the pebbled walkway and he almost slipped if he hadn’t held on to the front door at the last moment. Careful this time, he straightened up and had to laugh a little at himself. Of course he would nearly trip on the last few meters. He pulled open the door and the warmth and soft music greeted him, so he hurried inside.

“Hey, welcome to Cupful of Coffee!” The barista behind the counter smiled kindly at Namjoon and then turned his attention back to whatever he had been busy with before Namjoon’s arrival. He couldn’t see it from a distance, but he thought he spotted little pink cards. “What can I get for you?”

He quickly let his gaze wander around the café. It was the first time he came here, as he rarely visited a café more than once. He could count on one hand the cafes he visited regularly, and three of them were only on this list because they were either on his way to work or in the building where he worked.

But he might like this café a lot. It was a bit out of the city, an hour and a half away by bike, on the outskirts of Seoul, so he might not be recognized. He usually got lucky in less busy cafes, and this one wasn’t too busy on this Monday afternoon either. Right off the bat, he saw only two other customers, though he had seen on the Instagram page that there was a second floor with a great view over Seoul and it wouldn’t surprise him if things would be way more crowded there. To the right of the counter, he spotted the stairs that would lead up.

He averted his eyes and looked instead at the wooden board, which hung above the counter and listed the various drinks. He didn’t need to look though; he knew what he wanted, what he’d always get.

“Hi,” he greeted the barista, who looked at him expectantly, “I’ll have one large hot coffee, please.” He had read in the café’s bio the words “fresh hand drip coffee” and he had been looking forward to his free afternoon for days. “For here.”

“Sure thing. Can I get you anything else?” The barista started typing in his order.

Namjoon let his gaze slide over the glass display case and his mouth watered when he saw the numerous pastries and baguettes and sandwiches. When he thought of the comeback coming soon, however, he restrained himself. The others would probably order food in the evening, so he would wait until then. Friendly, he declined the barista’s question and payed for his drink.

“Feel free to grab a seat already, I’ll bring you your coffee when it’s ready,” the barista let him know with a friendly smile and Namjoon had already walked past the counter when he was held back once again. “We’re having a Valentine’s Day special today, by the way.” The barista held out one of the little pink cards that Namjoon had seen when he came in. “If you want to surprise someone, you can buy them a drink and leave a little message.” He hesitantly reached for the card, and on his way to the second floor, he stared at the various colorful hearts and balloons that decorated the small piece of paper. In fancy white and pink lettering, Happy Valentine’s Day was written at the top.

Namjoon swallowed.

Another year had passed, another year he would spent alone. Well, not completely alone, because he would be in the dorm with the others like every year. Except that for a few years now, they were mostly incomplete. Some had been missing for a few years, some had been missing four years ago, three years ago, two years ago, and had rejoined last year.

Only Namjoon had been present every year since their debut and usually it didn’t bother him too much. He had had shorter relationships in the past years, but never anything serious and what went longer than a few months. He knew that with his job and lifestyle, it was difficult to meet anyone. The compromises both sides had to make had always led to unsolvable problems in the short or long run, and for the past two years or so, even those shorter relationships had gradually ebbed away.

Since then he buried himself in work, sometimes spending days and nights in the studio, working non-stop on songs that would probably never see the light of day. But that was okay, he had stopped taking his songs too much to heart years ago. Building a connection to them. Even if every now and then one would sneak into his heart during the days he was working on it. Slowly and unnoticed and secretly. Sometimes he didn’t realize until weeks later, when he had already worked on many other songs in between, that his mind was still unconsciously on that one song. And like his former girlfriends, he had to let them go at some point.

The loud grinding of coffee beans accompanied Namjoon up the stairs, the little card disappearing into the pocket of his jacket.

Climbing the last step up, his breath escaped him for a moment, as he was met with the incredible view of the outside through the floor to ceiling windows. He saw the green of the treetops of the nearby spruce forest, spotted the skyscrapers that rose skyward like gray building blocks, and in the distance, almost obscured by the hazy fog, he could even see the Han River.

He peeled his gloves from his still stiff fingers as he now surveyed the interior of the café. Light bulbs hung from long cables from the high ceiling, illuminating the room on this dreary February day. He counted at least twenty plants, which, with the warm wood of the furniture, made the interior seem like a jungle. He didn’t have to think long and walked quickly towards the cozy looking armchairs that were placed a few meters apart right in front of the windows.

He hurried, not because he was afraid that someone would take his seat – except for him, there was only one other guest on this floor, a woman who seemed too immersed in her book to notice him – no, he could hardly wait to fall into the soft cushions, switch off his thoughts for at least a few minutes while observing nature right in front of him.

He stuffed his beanie into the pocket of his jacket and hung it over one of the chair’s large backrests. Then he let himself sink into the deep cushion of the armchair, unable to suppress the soft sigh that escaped him. He closed his eyes for a moment, listening to the soft jazz music and the distant conversation of two café patrons on the floor below. Then he was joined by the brief rustle of paper as someone turned a page in the book and a tapping of feet coming up the stairs to the upper floor.

Namjoon straightened up a bit, so much had he been swallowed by the chair, and opened his eyes the moment the barista placed the steaming cup on the small side table.

“Enjoy! And if you need anything, just come downstairs.”

Again Namjoon thanked him, ignoring the small sachet of sugar on the tray with it and lifting the cup instead. Humming softly, he inhaled the aroma of the black coffee, the various, almost fruity, notes rising up his nose, and carefully sipped the cup. He burned his tongue and winced. As he placed the cup back on the table with a frown and a tingling tongue, he heard a soft chuckle. A cough that followed.

He turned his head. The woman next to him still seemed absorbed by her book, but he hadn’t imagined the laughter, and when he looked closer, he saw that she kept her eyes firmly focused on one point.

“Is there something funny?” He wanted to sound serious, when all he had intended to do was enjoy his coffee in peace, but he could hear the smile in his voice.

You looked up, eyebrows raised, and Namjoon’s smile widened a bit more at your act. “Hmm, I’m sorry?” Contrary to your question, a knowing grin spread across your face.

But two could play this game. Namjoon leaned back into the back of the chair, his coffee still too hot to drink anyway. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to distract you from your book.”

That elicited a small laugh from you. He watched you closing your eyes briefly, the corners of your mouth twitching from the smile. Then you looked up and straight into his eyes, something in your gaze he couldn’t place. A mischievousness, perhaps?

With your next sentence you confirmed his suspicions.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized, looking genuinely apologetic this time, “but I saw you almost slip on your way to the door, and now it seems to have surprised you that the freshly brewed coffee is hot.” You shrugged, as if you didn’t know exactly why you were telling him this yourself. “Kind of cute.” The last part was only mumbled, but Namjoon had understood it perfectly.

Your gaze fell back to your fingers playing with the pages of the book you still held in your hands. He was glad of it, because he was sure a flush of red had settled on his cheeks. And this time it wasn’t from the cold outside. He had to say something, wanted to say something, because he didn’t want the conversation to end. And if he didn’t hurry, you would probably keep reading.

His gaze also fell on the book, and when he read the title, he asked the first thing that came to his mind. “Do you like the book?” His loud heartbeat decreased a bit as he changed the subject. Books were a subject he felt comfortable with. He usually carried one with him at all times, too, but he’d read through the book last night and hadn’t found a new replacement yet. Maybe he would stop by the little bookstore on his way home.

Namjoon watched your eyes lighting up as you looked at the book cover. Almost tenderly, you stroked it with your thumb. “Oh yes! I’m still at the very beginning, but so far I really like it.” You looked up at Namjoon. “Do you know the book?”

He shook his head. “No, but the title sounds promising.” Almost everything and almost nothing at all. “What’s it about?”

You’d only turned your head toward him so far, but at his question you now turned completely sideways toward him, one leg bent and your knee propped on the arm of the chair. “They’re different short stories by different people, but some of them overlap. At least that’s what I read on the blurb, I’ve only gotten to the third short story so far.” You flipped open the book, at the point where an old receipt was stuck and served as a bookmark for you. “But basically it’s about situations that could have turned out differently if the characters had made minimally different choices. And sometimes decisions in earlier chapters are meant to affect other chapters. I’m definitely very excited to see how the book develops.”

“Ah, I see,” Namjoon said, nodding slightly as his thoughts ran free. “Therefore the title. Things that may or may not happen.” He considered for a moment. “Sounds interesting.”

You seemed glad about that. At least Namjoon could see the corners of your mouth twitch up slightly and you quickly turned your head away. He had already seen how a very light pink glow had settled on your cheeks. But perhaps he was mistaken, in the dim light of the lamps it was difficult to judge.

He started to speak, but a voice, coming from his right, interrupted him and apologized. Surprised, he turned around and saw two young women standing next to his chair. One of them – as he suspected, the one who had addressed him – held an A5-sized notebook in front of her chest. His gaze flitted briefly back and forth between her and her friend before he sat up a little straighter and smiled at them both.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” the two said in unison, and Namjoon heard you trying to hide your laughter behind a cough. Did you know who he was? Well, you would know now and he didn’t know what to make of it. The conversation was going so well up to that point and he was afraid that knowing who he was would put that in jeopardy. “Can we have your autograph?” The two women in front of him snapped him back from his thoughts to the present.

“Of course!” Gratefully, he declined the pen one of them held out to him and dug out his own notepad, which he always carried with him in case inspiration for a song struck him. He grabbed the pen he had clipped to one of the sheets and wrote a short note for the two before placing his signature underneath.

“There you go,” he said, handing the notebook back.

“Thank you so much.”

“Thank you. Have a great day”, said the other one.

“You too.”

With that, the two women hurried away and sat down at a table out of Namjoon’s sight. Slowly, he turned back and when his eyes met yours, he saw the wide grin on your face.

“What?”

“Oh nothing,” you said and sipped your coffee.

“Did you know who I was?”

“Well, your faces are all over the place,” you replied with a shrug. You set your cup down on your thigh and Namjoon’s gaze fell on your fingers, which were wrapped around the warmed material. “I just thought it might be nice for you to just be Namjoon for a change. And not RM, a rapper from the biggest boy band in the world right now.”

Namjoon didn’t know what to answer for a moment. Then he settled on a “Thank you” and your eyes met. An understanding smile graced your lips. “Now that I know that you know my name…” he began and you raised an eyebrow at his tone, “may I know yours?”

“Sure, but only if you give me your autograph, too.”

He looked at you for a moment, weighing how serious you were about your statement, before you started laughing softly. He joined in, shaking his head as he took a sip of his own coffee.

“For Y/N, please.”

“Oh, do you have anything for me to sign on then?”

Your eyes widened as you patted down your sweater as if you had a notepad hidden underneath. “Oh no, I forgot,” you said and looked at him sadly. “But you have a notepad with you, I just saw it. Would you like to spare me a page?”

Namjoon’s gaze fell on that very notepad, which was still lying on the side table where he had put it down in a hurry. “Sorry, these are special pages just for song lyrics.”

“Hmm,” you hummed, “that sounds plausible.”

“I can sign your book, though.” He pointed to the cover.

“Sorry, these are special pages just for literary texts.”

“Then I’m afraid autographing won’t be an option, Y/N.” He liked the feeling your name left on his tongue. The way the letters rolled off his lips.

“It doesn’t matter, I’d much rather talk to you anyway.”

A warm feeling spread through Namjoon and once again he relaxed into the cushions of the chair.

. . .

The next time Namjoon took a quick look at his phone, he realized that two hours had already passed. The small puddle of coffee in his cup had dried up by now and the sun was bathing the sky on the horizon in a mix of blue, pink, red and yellow. He didn’t want to leave. The café had become yours and his little bubble, and he felt like he’d been sitting here talking with you for days. At the same time, time was flying by and it felt like he had just let himself sink into the soft cushions of the chair. But the gradual numbness in his butt taught him otherwise.

He watched you squint your eyes and stretch your legs and arms from you. The coarsely knitted sweater you wore only hinted at your shape underneath, and yet Namjoon caught his eyes sliding down your body. He quickly averted his gaze, just in time before you opened your eyes again.

“I’m getting really tired.” You laughed softly. “I don’t remember the last time I talked and listened this much.”

“I hope I didn’t keep you from your book.” Regret stretched across Namjoon’s face. What if he hadn’t noticed the signs you’d been trying to send him to make it clear that you’d much rather read your book than talk to him? God, it had been too long since he’d been on a date, so insecure had he become over the last few years.

But you took away his insecurity and quickly shook your head. “Nonsense, Namjoon.”

Your enthusiastic exclamation reassured him, and he was able to relax and lean back again. “That’s good to hear.” A warm smile spread across his lips, which you returned. For a moment you looked into each other’s eyes, a thousand thoughts and a deep understanding between you without uttering a single word aloud. Then you quickly averted your eyes and looked over your shoulder.

“I have to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” You pushed your book out of the way, which you had placed on the edge of the table at some point during the conversation, and hurried to the restroom. He looked after you for a moment before he felt something vibrating in his jeans pocket. With nimble fingers, he dug out his phone and groaned as he recognized number from work.

“Hey,” he answered the call and he pulled himself together not to sound too annoyed. It wasn’t his work colleague’s fault that he’d much rather stay in this cafe with you than go back to work.

“Namjoon, sorry to bother you. I know you have the afternoon off.”

“It’s okay, Si-woo.” Namjoon sighed, and most of the annoyance evaporated at the apologetic voice of his colleague. “What’s wrong?”

“You were working on that track this morning, right? We can’t find the data on the server. Did you upload it?”

Fuck.

He had thought about it earlier, but then Hoseok had knocked on his door to talk to him about ongoing projects and he had completely gotten over it. He had been too excited about his afternoon off, which almost never happened.

“Shit, I forgot about that. Do you need the data today or will tomorrow morning do?”

His colleague hesitated. “Actually, today would be great…”

There was silence on the line for a moment. Then Namjoon nodded. “Okay, I’m not home yet, but I have the data on my laptop. I’ll upload them as soon as I get home, okay?”

“Fantastic. Thank you, Namjoon! And sorry again to bother you.”

“No problem, it was my own fault.” And indeed it was. He grabbed his jacket and threw it on. He was going to wait until you got back from the bathroom when he slipped his phone into his jacket pocket and his fingers brushed against something. Frowning, he pulled it out. For the second time, his eyes fell on the little card, and as he looked at your book, an idea formed inside his head.

. . .

The café had filled up quite a bit in the last two hours and it shouldn’t have been a surprise – because when was it not like that? – when you already saw someone waiting in front of the door to the bathroom. You stepped from one foot to the other, not because you had to go to the toilet so urgently, but because you didn’t want to keep Namjoon waiting any longer.

When you finally went back to your seat probably ten minutes later, your heart sank. The seat next to yours, which had been occupied for the past two and a half hours, was now empty. Bitterness rose up inside you and crawled up your throat until you had a sour taste in your mouth. It seemed like Namjoon was just waiting for the moment to disappear unnoticed.

You let yourself fall into the chair and expelled the air, feeling like a balloon from a birthday party that was just shriveled and forgotten in a corner of the room after a few days.

Too bad, you thought. You had thought that Namjoon would at least have the decency to say goodbye. Yet you had felt that you had gotten along so well. You hadn’t lied when you told him that you hadn’t had such a good conversation with someone in a long time.

You took a sip from your now cold coffee to wash down the dry feeling and weird taste in your mouth as your eyes fell on your book. Was it lying differently than you had left it, or were you looking for signs that weren’t there?

Your hand hovered in the air for a moment as you hesitantly reached for the book. As if by itself, the double-page where you had stopped opened, with your receipt from your last visit to the café stuck to it. But that wasn’t the only thing stuck in the fold of the book.

Carefully you reached for the little card, which you hadn’t seen before, and your eyes flitted over the pink and white font that shouted a Happy Valentine’s Day out to you. Below that, in black and neat writing, was a ten-digit number with two short sentences:

Sorry, work called so I had to leave.

I would be happy to see you again soon :)

Namjoon

Again and again your eyes ran over the lines until they finally seemed to arrive in your head. Then you turned the card over and were surprised to see something written on the back as well.

To Y/N

I found something other than your book after all.

Underneath, his autograph took up the remaining space on the small card. Carefully you stroked it, then quickly lifted your finger again, afraid to smudge the paint that might not be dry yet.

You leaned forward until you almost fell off the chair and glanced outside. It was almost dark by now, with only the lanterns lighting the way to the café. That and a small lamp that swung from side to side as someone leaned on the handlebars.

Your eyes met Namjoon’s, who was already waiting for you. Even from a distance you could see his smile and he raised his hand to wave. You waved back, the card still in your hand, and as Namjoon gradually disappeared from your sight and you leaned back again, you held card close to your chest. You didn’t know when you had started grinning, but the corners of your mouth were hurting as you pulled out your phone with your free hand.

Written 2022. Do not copy, translate or repost without permission.

#kim namjoon fic #namjoon fic #namjoon fluff #bangtanarmynet #kim namjoon x reader #kim namjoon x you #bts fic #bts fanfic #bts imagine #namjoon x reader #namjoon x you #thebtswritersclub

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chemicalpink · 4 years ago

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대취타 (DAECHWITA) | EMPEROR!YOONGI X READER | FINAL

Pairing: Emperor!Yoongi x Assassin!Reader

Words: 3.5k

Genre: Emperor AU, Historical AU (kinda), smut, angsty

Warnings: mentions of death, mentions of historical public execution, oral sex (male receiving), lowkey breath play, unprotected sex

A/N: FINALLY IT’S HERE. I hope you enjoy, I had a hard time trying to make this not seem lame so here it is! please let me know what you think!

Summary: You used to be an assassin, got caught and works at the palace as a servant up until you are escorted to the main palace, either to meet your inevitable destiny or for a change of plans.

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4

Forehead resting against your own as you found yourselves panting, him sliding out as your spasming cunt dripped with both of your releases onto the floor, placing one more soft kiss on your lips with his eyes closed “Marry me”

You almost sat up with a start. Suddenly the world was bright and hazy. Yoongi had opened his eyes and they were digging like daggers into yours, an unusual look on him. You looked at the emperor apologetically before turning your gaze to the end of the room where there was a pile of books, silently detangling yourself from him.

The silence was deafening.

Then again, who in their right mind proposed marriage while having their cock buried deep inside some assassin turned royal slave. All the same, Min Yoongi wasn’t exactly known for having a right mind. But it wasn’t just the fact that he had proposed seemingly out of the blue, more than it was everything that came with it. The words seemed to tangle themselves inside your brain as you hear him say them over and over again. That he couldn’t think of himself marrying some woman that was inferior to him in mind and spirit. That he had wanted to marry to someone he loved. To think that Min Yoongi had proposed you marriage not in the heat of the moment but fully conscious of his actions would not only mean that he was in it for the great sexual escaped you two regularly went on, but because due to some fucked up mindset the royal had, he believed he could love you.

Yoongi reached for your hand in an attempt to get your attention, face soft with post orgasmic bliss as he repeated the ill fated words “Marry me, Y/N”

You snapped out of his hold. “Yoongi I don’t think you understand the situation”

“What is it then, please do enlighten me, Y/N cause from what I understand is me asking for your hand in marriage, twice now” he blinks a few times, looking at you expectantly, crossing his arms like a petulant child

“FUCKING READ THE ROOM MIN YOONGI ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND”

“Well I’m not, but you seem to be”

“I’m a fucking assassin, my hands? they will forever be tainted red” you look down at your hands and the blond man comes near to hold both of them inside his

“Y/N I couldn’t care less about that, it’s not like I’m a saint either”

“You just don’t understand”

“Then help me out” somehow his ever consistent and aloof tone gave you more chills thana you could’ve imagined if he were to raise his voice at you “Y/N I’m serious with my proposal, the sex is amazing, but you’ve proven to be an excellent addition not only to my court, but to my life”

You are shaking, voice trembling and just above a mere whisper “I was the one that killed your mother on that freezing December night”

He freezes in place.

He seemed oddly composed for someone who had just been told the responsible of his mother's death was none other than the woman he thought he wanted to marry

You remember how a few years ago, he had gone on a killing rampage, exposing heads outside his palace as if they were homemade decorations, swearing to find the person responsible for his mother’s death and get revenge. It had been months of bloodbath. Some had considered the emperor’s son to have gone completely out of his mind.

You storm off. Not before accepting the responsibility of your actions, perhaps Yoongi had also been a good addition to your life “I’m fine with you deciding to execute me for my crimes, I understand whatever sentence is best fitted for me, your majesty” for the first time since you had arrived at the palace, you don’t dare to look him in the ye, opting to follow court protocol and bow deeply before taking your leave, attempting to detangle yourself from your messed up robes and even more messed up string of thoughts.

The following days to that conversation were a blur and for the most part, uneventful, the emperor had opted not to gravitate your way unless strictly necessary, oddly enough, the air wasn’t awkward at all, it was as if nothing had ever happened between the two of you in the first place. Yoongi had retreated to being an aloof ruler, along with regular trips to meet his once very occupied and spoiled rotten concubines, all the while you were kept apart from. Sometimes, you would receive jobs outside the palace and were expected to fulfill them according to instructions. More times than not, you were left wondering if you would make it back to the palace or if it was one hell of an excuse to execute you.

Hearing approaching footsteps, you couldn’t help but hide the best that you could behind one of the hostel’s walls. Hooded and well muffled with the cape, as you did your best to camouflage yourself into the shadows and become a mere wisp of darkness. A maid from the hostel trudged to the open window and closed it, grumbling. Lightning illuminated the landing. You took a deep breath and reviewed the plans that you had so painstakingly memorized throughout the three days you had been guarding that building on the outskirts of the kingdom. Five doors on each side. The target’s bedroom was behind the third one on the left.

Stealthy as a specter, you walked down the landing. You pushed the target's bedroom door, which opened with an almost imperceptible squeak; waiting for another thunder to rumble to close it carefully. A second flash of lightning illuminated the two figures sleeping on the canopy bed. Young Hee must not have been over thirty-five. His son, small and beautiful, slept soundly in his arms.

“I’m not murdering a poor kid’s mother”

“So you’ve gone soft”

“No I haven’t gone soft” “What could a poor merchant woman have done to you for her to deserve such an end to her life”

He sits down on his throne “You didn’t even hesitate when killing my mother, though”

“Yoongi I-” he turns his head to you, a sharp gaze following your every move, as if he was a predator waiting for the precise moment his prey took a wrong turn to jump on them. You turn your gaze to the floor immediately “Your Majesty”

“Listen Y/N- I’m a very busy man, so I’ll make it easier for you” he stood up from where he was sitting, and although you weren’t looking directly at him, you could hear him move around the room until you were able to see him stop right in front of you, a hand you were so familiar with once caresses your cheek as he grabs your chin and forces you to look at him face to face “It’s either her life, or your life. Easy choice, Y/N”

You can feel your heart wanting to burst out of your ribcage at that exact moment, finally understanding the importance behind such a horrifying task, the mirroring in the situation. And the choice was as simple as it could get. “Kill me instead”

You could see the rage inside his eyes, even as he stood still for a few second, steady as ever, unfaltering as he called over one of the palace’s servants to get him the royal seal, the infamous red ink that decorated the skin of those in line to be executed by the royal himself, an utmost sign of rage, of personally wronging the monarch. A sense of longing crossed his gaze for half a second as he locked eyes with you before he took your wrist in his hand and stamped the cold ink on it; you couldn’t keep your body from reacting to the action, whether it was having him touching you again, the almost imperceptible stuttering of his movements when he did so, or the knowledge that you’d have to face an execution, making you shake lightly as adrenaline filled your veins.

Preparations were something the emperor certainly didn’t scattered in, back when he became known as the cold hearted borderline psychopath he had a vaste fame of, ikt was mostly do to the whole antiques that surrounded his personal executions, the way that they seemed to mimic a kingdom’s festivity was almost breathtaking, were it not for the fact that the main entertainment of the day would be having you publicly executed. You had been waiting for that night for a whole week. Sitting in the wooden corridor nestled to one side of the golden dome of Min Yoongi’s personal library, remembering how the last time you had been there, things were so different from how they were now, where the emperor had asked you to marry you in the worst way possible and you had confessed the greatest murder of the dynasty; you let yourself be carried away by the music that rose through the amphitheater. With your legs dangling under the railing, you leaned forward and rested your cheek on your crossed arms. One could almost swear the palace was preparing for a wedding, if the way you were constantly dressed up and down during the week, the way the palace’s servants were constantly bustling around the building to ensure the greatest quality for the evening, the greatest night for the kingdom. The execution of the Empress’ murderer.

“You seem oddly calm for someone who's about to be executed” Jungkook mentions as he approaches where you were currently hanging out, a few minutes to spare before a small group of designated maids were to call you to get you ready for the night.

You look up at him tiredly, without separating your head from where it was laying, catching him taking a seat by your side in the most infantile way you had ever seen the royal guard do, shrugging to no one in particular, you add “You know, accountability and stuff”

“Oh and she grew a moral compass during her time here” if he was expecting a bickering comeback, the way you used to do back when he was designated to look after you, he was certainly not getting anything other than be met by an extended silence that seemed to rise the tension and seriousness of the whole interaction between the two “Why are you letting this happen to you?”

“What are you talking about” this time, you do turn to face him, confused as to where he was expecting the conversation to go.

“You didn’t kill his mother”

“I did”

He huffed out air, sounding a bit exasperated at your response; you could have even sworn you saw him roll his eyes faintly “No you didn’t, you were a mere 15 year old” there was a bit of laughter behind his sentence before he regained his composure and went back to his former self from a few minutes ago, looking at your face quizzically as if there was something hidden in there that held the answer to his question “So why are you doing this”

You try and miserably fail to convey a nonchalant look on your face as memories of your time with the emperor fill your mind, not just the carnal ones, but those where you would watch him work for his place in the royal hierarchy, the soft sides around the rough edges that were publicly hidden on purpose, turning away from the guard you say softly “Yoongi’s a great man”

“Okay sure, he could do with a more...tame temperament, but what does that have anything to do with you chopping your own head off”

You try your best to ignore the way your heart seems to physically ache at the thought behind the answer; you almost don’t get enough strength from within to mutter “I’m hoping to get him some closure, be an even better ruler”

“That’s- definitely not how it’s supposed to work Y/N” Jungkook says incredulously

“I was technically part of the killing so, it’s all the same”

He huffs before going to stand up, dusting off his uniform and already facing away from you, before you can hear him call for you one last time “Yoongi’s in his room, you know, he was looking for you a few hours ago, in case that information helps in any way”

So perhaps you were naive for thinking that he would answer his door, he would have no reason to do so, especially given the circumstances, if it were you, opening the door to the person that had confessed of murdering your mother, and having them come up at your room, you wouldn’t even need to think it once to decide not to further interact with them, but Jungkook had said Yoongi had been looking for you before, so the chance of him wanting to see you alive one last time were there. Unless you were reading it all wrong. You turned your back on the huge wooden door you had come to know as the emperor’s bedroom a few months back, resigned, when you heard the creaking of a door opening and a calm steady voice.

“So you’re going to just knock on my door and run away the same way you entered my life and are now leaving it forever?” his frozen tone still having an effect on your body as you turned to face him properly for the first time in what seemed like an eternity “Came to discuss a bargain for your life?”

“Not at all” you lock eyes with him when approaching him, until you were practically inside the room, his judgemental gaze still on you “I wanted to say my goodbyes properly, your majesty”

“Then don’t waste my time and come in already, Y/N”

The royal wasted no time in cornering you against the door, face so close to yours you could feel his breath on your skin, the tip of his nose nuzzling the side of your face and you knew him enough to know he had his eyes closed to keep his composure as he talked “I’m going to miss you like a fucking mad man”

It felt like falling back into routine, the way he kissed you, down to your neck up to your collarbone, pushing past the robes that covered your skin, in preparation for the ritual, his hands roaming freely in a familiar way, grabbing all the right places as he draws little sounds from your throat, all while he worked the both of you to where his bed was placed, although he was giving your body and pleasure a decent amount of attention, you couldn’t brush off the fact that he irradiated an angry aura, words left unspoken as he got his anger out by pleasuring both of you. Maybe himself more than you, as he removes himself from caressing your body as he usually did and positioned himself above you, his member laying flat on your already expecting tongue,as soon as you realised what his intentions were when he started undressing himself, his hips thrusting a few times in an experimental manner, soon enough finding a pace at the same time as you bobbed your head up to capture as much of his length as you could inside your mouth, your hands captured under Yoongi’s weight, unable to help you work him further, the way you’d done before.

You feel him start to thrust further into your throat at one particular kitten lick of yours to the tip of his cock, your head starting to hang from the edge of the mattress you two were on as he picked up the pace, his cock filling you up all the way until it hit the back of your throat a few times, you trying to whine around him, only further encouraging him to take a handful of your hair and push you further against him, your gag reflex taking the best of you as he held you there, nose close to his navel, deep grunts ripped from his lips, the air leaving your lungs and becoming slightly light headed after a few seconds of you tapping his thigh in a motion to let him know to let you breathe, at which Yoongi locked eyes with you, a mix of anger and longing in his yes as he thrusts a few more times as saliva started dripping from your mouth, tears decorating your pink stained cheeks before he removed himself from you, giving you a few seconds to gain air before he repositioned both of you. A deafening silence taking over both of you, as you were still catching your breath and he positioned his cock at your entrance, his tip, wet with your saliva, playing with your folds for a few seconds, as you take a sharp intake of air when he enters you and immediately sets a slow deep pace. You can feel his member filling you up perfectly, mind racing with flashbacks to all those other nights before where the emperor and you shared endless nights all over the palace.

The knowledge that this would be the last time creeping up in the back of your mind. You feel an unfamiliar wetness hit your neck where Yoongi was kissing your skin, rolling down as you identified it as tears, as he was still passionately thrusting into you.

“I don’t want to lose you” his voice barely above a whisper, trying to conceal the way his chest was tightened with sadness

“You have to let me go, Yoongi” one of your hands comes up to caress his locks as he pushes up to stare at your face, anger long gone and replaced with utter sadness before one last thrust has him filling you up with his seed, warmth enveloping you, a soft whimper leaving your lips as his cock leaves your cunt, a briskly wind coming from the window causing your body to shiver for a second at the loss of body heat on top of you.

“I guess this was it then” his cold and unnerved facade was on again, making the cold shivers in your body that much worse as you watched him adjust his clothes and walk out of the room, leaving you to dress yourself and ultimately face your fated destiny at the end of the day.

The palace’s front plaza is filled to the brim with spectators as the news got out that the Emperor was finally getting revenge for his mother’s killing, people from the kingdom and even some people from neighbouring ones all lined up in the outer sides of the fire marks that decorated the space to illuminate the middle path where you were placed in the end of it to walk your way up, two unknown guards on each side of you as each grabbed your elbows to push you forward, the rope certainly leaving marks on your skin as it was wrapped tightly around your wrists.

You could only catch a glimpse of Yoongi’s blond hair, wrapped in his infamous black and golden hanbok, drums roaring in unison, people screaming as you watched him take the sword from the swordsman that had prepared the ritual beforehand, as someone wrapped a cloth around your eyes and you were promptly pushed forward, legs buckling every few seconds as you came to realise what you were about to face, it hadn’t been clear before, mere seconds away, finally falling to your knees, head bowed down in resignation as you could barely hear the sharp sword cutting the air around you, gasps from the crowd filling the air along with the constant sound of the drums around you. You could only hope your death would bring much needed peace to the monarch and his kingdom. Your heart seemed to want to burst out of your chest, if anything, Yoongi was known for being an espectacular swordsman, which hopefully made the whole execution that much easier. You could hear cheers and a metal cutting the air before your body fell limp to the ground.

But your consciousness never left, the drums couldn’t be heard anymore, cheers were replaced with confusion as a pair of hands helped you up to your knees, fumbling with the cloth around your eyes to come face to face with Min Yoongi kneeling before you, a subtle smile on his face as one of his hands caressed your cheek before helping you up beside him.

“I’m sure you all must be confused right now” he announced to his subjects “This woman right here, has got more courage in her than anyone that has ever worked for me, any of us, for that matter. Which is why I’m asking once again, publicly, for the first time, for her hand in marriage” he turned to face you, as you were still dazed by the whole ordeal, his hand in yours being the only thing holding you down “Marry me, Y/N”

#kwritersworldnet #thebtswritersclub #bangtanarmynet #hyunglinenetwork #networkbangtan #bangtanuniversity #yoongi smut #bts smut #bts imagines #min yoongi imagine #yoongi fanfic #min yoongi smut #bts fanfics #bts fanfic #yoongi fic #yoongi scenario #bts scenarios

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peachiimilquetea · 4 years ago

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i’m back!

hi everyone!! hiatus is officially over!!

so a few new housekeeping notes!

i changed my name!

i mostly did this in accordance with my side blog (which i’ll be talking about more in a little bit) but i also hated the name for a while and i think this suits me just a little bit more! all my links have already been changed so if anything on my masterlist is broken/leads to nowhere please let me know!!

i also changed my tags! so anyone who has my old nsfw tag blocked might want to update that, altho it might not be an issue later on down the line, as you can see by my next heading

i’m highly considering stopping making nsfw content

i think this is the biggest change that might be coming to this blog tbh. i’ve been thinking about it A LOT and the discourse is super conflicting on what is right and what’s not right

as much as i love to write smut, and nobody has directly come after me for writing smut, i keep seeing opinions and takes that are starting to make me want to quit it altogether. like apparently as a minor there are legal implications for me writing smut? which??? idk how true that is but it’s enough to make me more wary

the discourse around aging people up is also conflicting and confusing and the last thing i want to do it be on the wrong side of how to interact and behave in fandom spaces, especially being so new

furthermore, people don’t really go feral on my blog? like people don’t interact with my nsfw content all that often so i feel like it’s just there idk. maybe i’ll split the content into two blogs, maybe i’ll just private all of it and become purely sfw, idk im still thinking about it but i’ll let you know when i come to that decision

i will not be as active as i previously was

i hate to be so frank but the tumblr writing community is dying. nobody gets the interaction or hype that they deserve and it’s a huge blow to a writer’s morale to write something and barely get recognition

it’s not selfish for writers to feel this way and for this reason i won’t be posting as often or as regularly as i did previously. when i finish all requests and i open them up again, you probably won’t be getting it as quickly as you’ve seen in the past.

school is also starting up for me and it’s a very important one (senior szn or whatever) so i’m gonna be super busy with college stuff and AP classes and all the fun stuff that comes with being on the verge of adulthood

requests are actively being finished

this isn’t really a new thing, but i know there are at least two event requests that are in progress rn and one request for an orginal piece i wrote at the very beginning of my blog

i’ll tentatively open my requests up again really soon (probably with slots tbh) and we can move from there

i promise they’ll be done (one is already fully finished and formatted in my drafts), ive just been burnt out and really not feeling writing (hence the hiatus)

i’m making a sideblog!

yayyyy smth a little bit more lighthearted! i made a side blog! its callled @peachiimilquecoffee (see what i did there) and it’ll be a little bit more laid back, more behind the scenes, and maybe i’ll post more WIPs and sneak peeks there as well as the stuff that interests me so i don’t clog up your dash with random pointless stuff

i’m also probably gonna talk more about my original content, and post about my other interests. if you’re into that kinda thing just check my navi and it’ll be up sometime soon! i just finished setting up camp and getting my tags situated there and whatnot so come hang out!

closing

when i started this blog, i didn’t think i would get this far or even meet so many other people that i enjoy interacting with and seeing! i do want to stay here for as long as the site will let me, and as long as i feel welcome.

like i said previously, the writing community on tumblr feels like it’s dying, and it’s hard to make fan content unless you have a shit ton of followers that interact with you every day (and honestly some big blogs are struggling with a lack of boundaries as well).

all this to say, it often feels like there’s no winning. this is a tentative comeback, and i really hope something will change soon and making writing as fun as it was in the beginning for me. the hiatus was good for me to reset and be more inclined to get back in the groove.

thank you sm for your follows and your support! i really appreciate every single one of you and im looking forward to writing more stuff!

#important #[🍑]peachiimilquetea #[🍑]peachiiwrites

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kpopimaginings · 4 years ago

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SuJu Reaction: S/O can’t get hold of them and panics

A/N: So, this is my first reaction post, so big thanks to the anon who requested it. I may have got a little carried away, so some of these are kinda long for a reaction, but I was having fun. Hope you all enjoy.

I’m putting this all under a cut because TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicide, anxiety and panic attacks. I promise they are actually fluffy and cute in the end.

Prologue: Super Junior were incredibly busy preparing for a comeback, and you knew your boyfriend was stressed and drained, worrying about making sure everything was perfect for the fans. The trouble was, you knew all too well how quickly that could lead to conditions like anxiety and depression, and, in the case of your best friend, suicide. You’d lost them when you were a teenager and as hard as you tried to move on the trauma of the loss was still something you caried with you. This is why you found yourself texting your boyfriend regularly, just making sure that he was ok and he and his members were looking after themselves. But when three texts in a row and a phone call went unanswered you found yourself starting to panic and desperately needed some sort of confirmation that he was ok, and most importantly alive.

Leeteuk

When you burst into the studio that evening, Leeteuk was the only one still there, but honestly you were grateful for it. When you saw him you were torn between relief that he was fine and anger over being ignored.

“Where are the others? And more importantly why weren’t you answering me?”

“Hey, babe,” said Leeteuk, looking over to you as you spoke. “I sent them home, we’ve been really busy, I thought they could do with a rest. I’ve just been finishing up, I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

“For once, can you please worry about yourself as much as you do other people? I’ve been going crazy, knowing how stressed you’ve been, knowing you probably aren’t taking proper care of yourself, and then you don’t answer me and… Teuk, anything could have happened to you.”

As you poured out your feelings you felt the tears you’d been fighting back starting to surface and Leeteuk suddenly realised what was happening. You’d opened up to him before about what had happened in your past and he was cursing himself for putting you through this.

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” he said rushing to take you in his arms. “I’m here with you now, see? Everything’s ok. I’m ok.”

He ran a soothing hand through your hair as you tried to calm down. “How about I take you home and we cook a nice nutritional meal together, yeah?”

You nodded, as he cupped your face in his hands and wiped your tears away with his thumbs.

Heechul

The moment you walked into the studio, Heechul appeared by your side, despite the fact that he was definitely meant to be helping with recording.

“Hi, gorgeous,” he greeted, giving you a quick kiss. “Are you ok?”

“I’ve sent you three texts, and tried to call you, and I haven’t heard from you at all,” you told him, stoically.

Heechul’s eyes grew wide as he realised what he’d done.

“No, I’m sorry. I’ve been recording, I should have warned you I wouldn’t be able to reply much today.”

“Heechul!” came a sudden shout from Shindong, “You live with her, you’ll see plenty of her later, we need you!”

“So does Y/n,” Heechul shouted back.

“You are so whipped,” Shindong muttered, before raising his voice again, “You were literally in the middle of something.”

Heechul grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the room, ignoring his members completely.

“What do you need?” he asked you.

You smiled softly. “I needed to know you were ok.”

“I am, I promise.”

“Ok, don’t work too hard,” you smiled, turning to leave.

Heechul caught your hand again before you could get too far away.

“I know you don’t think you’re leaving without kissing me goodbye.”

You rolled your eyes, but gave him a kiss all same.

“Shindong’s right, you are whipped,” you laughed.

“No, I just love you,” Heechul replied. “A lot. Are you sure you’ll be ok?”

“I’m sure, just come straight home when you’re done?”

“Why wouldn’t I if I know you’re there waiting for me?”

Yesung

You and Yesung had always been very open with each other, so you knew how hard he was on himself and he knew what had happened with your friend. This made the fact that you haven’t heard from him even more worrying.

You snuck into their rehearsal space, not wanting to interrupt but needing to see him and know he was ok. Eunhyuk spotted you and nudged his hyung, pointing in your direction.

Yesung ran over to you, giving you a quick peck on the cheek.

“Are you ok?” he asked. “What are you doing here?”

When you told him he’s missed your texts and call, he knew exactly where your mind had gone.

“Oh no, baby, I’m so sorry,” he told you, looking even more distraught than you. “We’ve been so busy and I’m so stressed about all this and I’m just trying to make this comeback the best yet. I’m sorry I’ve been so distracted. I can’t imagine what I’ve put you through.”

Before you knew what was happening, Yesung was crying.

“I just needed to know you were ok,” you told him pulling him into a hug. “I wish you wouldn’t push yourself so hard, then I wouldn’t worry as much. The fans love you no matter what.”

“I know,” he sniffled. “But they’ve supported us for so long now they deserve so much.”

“I guarantee they feel the same way about you, too,” you told him.

At that point Leeteuk came over, Yesung still in your embrace.

“I think you should take him home,” Leeteuk told you.

“I’m fine,” said Yesung, quickly straightening and trying to tidy himself up. “We haven’t finished yet.”

“Well, I’m the leader, and I’ve decided you’ve finished.”

“Thank you,” you told Leeteuk, when Yesung gave up and gathered his things.

“I think you both need it, just relax together,” he advised.

You couldn’t argue with that, as you and your boyfriend headed home for a nice quiet afternoon.

Shindong

You burst into the room where Super Junior were rehearsing to find them all healthy and staring at you.

"Y/n?" said your boyfriend, stepping forward. "What happened? Are you ok?"

"If you could actually answer my texts and calls, I would be," you snapped.

Shindong headed over to his discarded jacket and pulled his phone from the pocket.

“Three missed texts and you’re acting like the worlds going to end?” he quipped, seeing his notifications.

“Mine could!” you shouted.

You thought you'd calm down once you knew he was ok, but his blasé manner was only distressing you more.

“What?” asked Shindong, thoroughly confused.

You grabbed his hand and quickly dragged him away from the rest of group. Once out of their earshot, you began telling him what had happened in your past, and by the end you were sobbing.

“I can’t lose you too,” you cried, and Shindong wrapped you in his embrace.

“Sweetie, I had no idea,” he said, soft boyfriend mode engaged. “I’m so sorry you suffered through that. But thank you for being brave enough to tell me. I can take special care to stay in touch now, alright?”

“Thank you,” you told him sniffing as the tears started to die down. "I just worry. You get so stressed trying to make everything perfect, and I don't want it to all get too much for you."

"I promise I will never get that stressed," he assured you, still holding you tight. "Especially knowing I have you looking out for me."

Eunhyuk

When you walked into the dance studio and saw Eunhyuk alive and well, you breathed a sigh of relief. Knowing that he knew about your past, you knew he’d have a good excuse.

Once he’d finished talking to the guys, he jogged over to you.

“Hey, jagi,” he greeted. “What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t replying to me,” you told him. “I had to make sure you were ok.”

His face fell, realising what your words implied. He tried not to make too big of a deal or overreact because he knew you wouldn’t want to make a scene. It was a private matter and not something the other guys needed to be privy to.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I’ve been trying to help Leeteuk keep an eye on everyone and get the dance moves down. You know how much Leeteuk stresses.”

You smiled. “I know. But I know you’ve been stressed too. Don’t overdo it, please. I quite like having you for a boyfriend.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere,” he told you with a hug. “Now why don’t you go home, and I’ll come by after practice and you can help me destress,” he winked.

You rolled your eyes. “It’s a good job I love you, Lee Hyukjae.”

“I’m a lucky man,” he replied, giving you a quick kiss, before returning to his work.

Donghae

You marched into the studio and straight up to your boyfriend.

“Have you not checked your phone?” you asked immediately, not even saying hello first.

As much as you were pleased to find him ok, you were a little annoyed to find him laughing and joking with his members, instead of actually working. You would have been more understanding if he’d not seen your call because he was busy preparing for the comeback.

“Yes, why?” he asked. Knowing full well that he had three texts and a missed call from you.

“I’ve been trying to get hold of you.”

“I know.”

You snapped at that point. “You know? What do you mean you know? If you know you should answer! Or is this your way of trying to dump me, because I swear Donghae, if you knew… What if…” you trailed off as your anger gave way to tears and Donghae quickly wrapped his arms around you to comfort you.

“It was a prank,” he told you. “I wanted to see how you’d react. I didn’t expect it to end like this.”

“I thought you’d died,” you squeaked.

“What?” he asked in surprise. “Why would you think that? What’s going on?”

You shook your head.

“Babe, I’m sorry that I’ve upset you it was never my intention. But I need you to tell me what’s wrong so that I can fix it and make sure it never happens again.”

You gestured to the rest of the guys, some of whom were clearly listening in, and Donghae got your meaning, pulling you out of the room. Once free from his nosy members, he gave you an expectant look.

You quickly recounted the bare minimum of what he needed to know.

“I never meant to scare you,” he said softly.

“I know, I’m sorry I yelled.”

“No it’s fine, of course you shouted at me. I promise it won’t happen again. There may be a delay in my replying if I’m halfway through something, but I won’t knowingly ignore you.”

“Thank you for understanding,” you told him, before he pulled you in for another hug.

Siwon

When you finally tracked Siwon down you found him talking to someone on his phone. You walked over to him and weakly slapped his arm.

“I’ve got to go, thank you so much,” he said to whoever was on the other end of the phone before hanging up. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

“You’re on your phone,” you pointed out in a more aggressive tone than you had intended.

“Yes, I was,” Siwon confirmed, very confused.

“So, you’ve seen my messages and you’re just choosing to ignore me?”

“No, no, I’m not ignoring you, I’m just… busy.”

“Not too busy to take other people’s calls.”

“I was busy because I was making the call,” he tried to explain. “I didn’t realise you needed an urgent reply. Is there something else going on?”

Having seen your texts, Siwon had assumed you were just checking in and couldn’t work out why it was such a big deal that he hadn’t replied straight away.

“No, you first, what are you hiding?” you asked, crossing your arms defensively.

Siwon hesitated, making it clear there was something he wasn’t telling you. “I’m actually planning a surprise for you,” he admitted with a sigh. “I realise being an idol in the middle of a comeback makes me a rather lousy boyfriend and I wanted to make up for it.”

“Oh,” you said softly. “I’m not good with surprises,” you mumbled.

Siwon just stepped closer to you, seeing that you had now calmed down. “It’s not going to be anything over the top, and it only involves the two of us. I know you aren’t a big fan of too much attention,” he explained. “Now, can you tell me why you were so upset?” he asked you, gently rubbing his thumb along your cheekbone.

You nodded and quickly explained that you had panicked and why. “Can you tell me what you are planning?” you added with a slight pout.

Siwon sighed. “Will it make you feel better?”

“Yes,” you nodded.

“Tomorrow evening, I’m taking you out to dinner,” he told you. “I’ve bought out the whole restaurant for the night, so it will literally be just us. It’s an excuse to get a bit dressed up, which we haven’t done for a while, and you won’t have to worry about staring.”

With a small smile, you looked up at him with tears forming in your eyes. “That’s a really lovely surprise,” you told him.

He pulled you into his arms, holding you tight. “You’re really special to me, and I want you to know that. Whenever I picture a future, you’re in it, so I’m really pleased you’ve opened up to me today. Now I can make sure not to worry you again.”

Ryeowook

When you arrived at the practice room, hoping you’d find you boyfriend well and rehearsing, even though you worried you wouldn’t, your worry just took on a whole new form.

Ryeowook was sat watching the rehearsal with his leg raised and an ice pack on his ankle. Completely forgetting that you were probably interrupting you rushed over to him.

“Wook, what happened?”

“Hey,” he said in a surprised tone when he noticed you. “I just twisted my ankle while dancing. What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been trying to get hold of you. You weren’t answering so I panicked,” you told him.

He knew what you meant straight away.

“Ah, my phone is over there with all my stuff,” he said pointing. “I’m not ignoring you, I always try to respond, and I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my phone.”

“I know, it’s ok, you’re injured,” you assured him. “At least my panic wasn’t totally uncalled for though.”

He smiled at you in a comforting manner before turning to his members.

“Guys, do we think y/n could stay with me while I watch the choreography?” he asked.

“That’s not a bad idea,” agreed Leeteuk. “Stops me worrying about you as much.”

You laughed slightly, before quickly pulling another chair over to where your boyfriend was sat and taking his hand in yours.

“And now you’ll worry less because you know I’m right here,” he said, giving your hand a squeeze.

“Thank you,” you said softly, pleased your boyfriend could support you through moments like this.

“You’re welcome,” he replied. “And thank you for caring enough about me to worry.”

Kyuhyun

You had assumed the guys were doing dance rehearsals, so when you arrived at their usual studio only to find it empty, your panic increased. You pulled out your phone, trying Kyuhyun again. You cursed multiple time times listening to the ring before hanging up at his voicemail message.

Out of desperation you pulled up your contacts to call one of the other guys, which ended up being Donghae.

“Y/n?” he answered immediately.

“Thank god,” you sighed in relief at managing to get hold of someone. “Is Kyuhyun with you?”

Donghae laughed slightly, “Yeah, has the idiot not taken his phone off silent?”

“I can’t get hold of him.”

Donghae quickly passed his phone to Kyuhyun, sensing you weren’t in the mood for a general chat with him.

“Kyuhyun! I have been trying to get hold of you all morning. What the hell is going on?” you yelled as soon as you heard him on the other end.

“Calm down, we’ve been in meetings all morning, so my phones been on silent, and now we’re grabbing lunch before a quick practice and then schedules,” he explained. “What’s so important?”

“Nothing. I mean, it’s not- I-,” you could feel yourself suddenly struggling for breath.

“Ok, it’s clearly not nothing,” your boyfriend said, recognising the signs of your panic attack even over the phone. “Where are you?”

“Dance studio,” you just about managed to tell him.

“I’m only two roads over, I’ll be right there, just keep breathing.”

With that Kyuhyun hung up, giving Donghae his phone back and rushing out of the restaurant.

By the time he reached you you had calmed down slightly, just telling yourself over and over that he was fine, and he was alive.

“Can I touch you?” he asked, as soon as he reached you, knowing that physical contact didn’t always help when you were in this state.

You nodded giving him permission to pull you into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t get your messages. Do you want to tell me brought this on?”

“I thought,” your voice shook as you spoke. “I thought, maybe, I’d lost you.”

“Lost me?” he asked.

You did your best to recount losing your best friend and Kyuhyun just held you tighter.

“I wish you’d told me sooner,” he sighed. “We’ve all lost people, I understand.”

After a moments silence between you, he spoke again. “Are you hungry?”

You nodded.

“I didn’t finish my meal either,” he told you. “Let’s go eat together, and I’ll let Leeteuk know I’ll catch up with them at schedules.”

“No, you can’t. Your work,” you protested.

“Right now, you are more important than practice. I’ve done the important boring meetings, and I’ll be there later for the recordings, they can rehearsals do without me for a couple of hours.”

You finally smiled then, holding him a little tighter, before pulling away and letting him lead you to your favourite restaurant for lunch.

NAVIGATION | SUPER JUNIOR MASTERLIST

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wish-that-i-was-buckys-girl · 5 years ago

Note

hey! could i possibly request a blaine one shot where the reader is another girl working on the ski patrol with blaine and they absolutely hate each other, but one day they get stuck in a snowstorm during work and end up lost for a few days? and during those few days they just get more and more lied up with each other until they just end up hate-fucking our in the open? it can end however, but i’ve been dying for some blaine action🥰🥰thank you💕

Thank you so much nonnie! I enjoyed writing this so much. I hope you enjoy it too!

Warnings: Fat Shaming, smut, slight bullying.

If there are any misspellings I’m sorry! I wrote this all on tumblr and didn’t get a time to proofread it in a different document.

Ice, Ice, Baby.

_______________________________________________

You walked to the cafe for hot chocolate at seven o’clock in the morning to prepare for your shift. It wasn’t easy being on ski patrol, that’s for sure.

Dads always tried hitting on you while you were trying to watch their wives kids struggle to learn the most basic of skiing. You just nodded in agreement and smiled a little to get through the conversations. Wouldn’t wanna get written up for being “rude” to a paying member of the resort. It wasn’t always so bad, some of the dads were kind of cute, and they always tipped well if you just did the bare minimum of looking good and reacting to their advances. You weren’t even supposed to get tipped, but that didn’t stop them. However, you didn’t enjoy watching their wives glare at you around dinner time. You could always feel their eyes burning into the back of your head.

Although you absolutely loathed the attention from the dad’s (besides the occasional tip), there was one reason why you absolutely dreaded going to work every day.

Blaine. You could say he was the Blaine of your existence. Shitty dad jokes always crept into your head due to how much time you end up spending with them.

You had tried being nice the first couple of weeks into the job, only to be met with incredible amounts of misogyny and downright assholeishness. God, you hated him. It was so unlike you to hate anyone, but the kid was ruthless.

He always made nasty remarks about the way you look, whether it was your facial features or your weight, he had it covered. Even though he always tried to get his friends to join in on the action, they never did. Everyone else liked you at the resort. Blaine was the only problem.

You made your way up to your snowmobile, tredging in the deep snow with your backpack and snow shoes on. You secured your hot chocolate and your backpack before riding it all the way up to your post. The post wasn’t too bad by itself. It was close to a nearby cabin in case of emergencies, stocked with food, with working water and electricity to last for up to a month. Even longer if it was less than 4 people.

You finally arrived at your post, hoping Blaine wouldn’t be there yet.

He was.

Fuck.

“You’re looking plump today y/n, more than usual. Must be from all the hot chocolate you’ve been drinking” he said laughing to Chaz. Chaz just rolled his eyes under his sunglasses. You could tell.

“Ha ha Blaine, you’re so original. It’s not like I’ve heard that one before yesterday. Or the day before that. Or the day before that.”

“Yeah, well I think saying it everyday is a good reminder. Maybe I’ll see you in the resort gym one day because of it.”

“Why? Is it cause ya wanna see my tits bounce in a sports bra? Get ya all hot and bothered?”

Blaine just gritted his teeth in response. You could tell he wanted to say something, but didn’t cause he didn’t want to give you the wrong idea. Or the right idea.

Blaine always had a pretty girl on his arm. You doubt he was attracted to you, but you say those things because it shuts him up every time.

You bundled up extra today. The news said there was a possibility of a snow storm, but it was highly unlikely. Still, the wind chill was extremely cold today, making you double up on the clothes underneath your snow suit. You wore a beanie, mittens, and a scarf too, just in case.

You and Chaz chatted for a while, Blaine giving you resentful side glances and a few eye rolls here and there to show his detest towards your interaction. God, what was his fucking problem?

At about noon, Chaz took his lunch, leaving you and Blaine alone for at least a half an hour.

Silence filled the mountains. Barely anyone was out on the slopes due to the potential storm coming, but that didn’t stop your job from making you go out anyways.

The silence was broken with a call from the walkie talkies. It was your manager, Janice.

“Get off the slopes, news just confirmed one of the worst snow storms to hit this side of the mountain in three years. I repeat ge-“

The walkie talkies went silent. The wind began to pick up, starling both you and Blaine. You acted quickly, knowing this could be a life or death situation. You both hopped on your snowmobiles to get to the cabin nearby. Unfortunately, Blaines wasn’t working. You quickly shouted “Get on!” Reluctantly, Blaine hopped on the back of your snowmobile. Thank god it was his snowmobile that wasn’t working. You’re not so sure Blaine would’ve rescued you if it was your snowmobile that died and not his.

You reached the cabin just in time, the snow finally picking up with the wind. You quickly grabbed the keys from your snowmobile and stuck them in the front door.

“Hurry! Jesus Christ we’ll die at this rate!”

“I’m trying asshole! Stop yelling at me!”

The door finally swung open. You and Blaine rushed inside, aggressively slamming the door behind you and locking it.

Both catching your breath while clutching onto your things, you made eye contact.

Of course you thought.

Of course I’m stuck with the one goddamn person who hates me in the middle of one of the biggest snowstorms of the decade.

Blaine didn’t hold back what he was thinking.

“Great, I’m stuck with Fat Albert with minimal supplies. We’ll be out of food by tomorrow.”

You scowled at him snd stood up.

“THAT’S IT. First of all, I’m not fat. Second off, even if I was, that is none of your goddamn business to make comments on it. I have fat on my body. Just because I’m not the twink of the century like you doesn’t mean I should be degraded for it. We are stuck here for god only knows how long. If you just shut up I’m sure we can make it through this. But you’ve got to stop being such a fucking asshole to me all the time.”

Blaine just stood there and rolled his eyes again at your response. At least he didn’t open his loud mouth.

Such a fucking drama queen.

_______________________________________________

As the sun began to set, your stomach started to growl, loudly. You resisted eating all day due to Blaines comments, but you knew you had to eat at some point.

You gathered the courage to make your way into the kitchen to look around.

Thank god they keep this up to date regularly.

There were tons of cans of different soups, ravioli, spaghetti, fruits and vegetables, and non-perishables that would keep you sustained for a long time. Especially with only two people being in the cabin.

You decided to microwave some of the ravioli. Just as you opened the microwave door, it shut again with a hand directly planted on the glass.

“Well well well, what do we have here? Is two ton Tony looking for a little snack?” Blaine said in a mocking tone.

“Fuck off Blaine. It’s dinner time, I’m hungry and I know you are too. You just haven’t eaten yet to prove a damn point and humiliate me. Now if you don’t shut up I will eat all the food and make sure you starve to death.”

He grimaced at your response and walked to a cupboard to look for food of his own. Thank god. You swore you were five seconds away from giving him a swift punch to the face.

You both ate your dinners in separate rooms. You didn’t want to interact with each other more than you had to.

After a few more hours of existing in separate rooms, you decided you wanted to fall asleep for the night. You casually walked into the bedroom, having absolutely no pajamas to change into, you figured you would either sleep with the clothes you had on or just sleep in your underwear. There were enough blankets to keep you warm if you did end up choosing the latter. As you walked into the room you noticed something horrible.

There was only one bed.

How could this even be possible? There were supposed to be four, as most times three to four people were on ski patrol.

Then you remembered three out of the four beds were taken out two months ago, as they were desperately disgusting. The shipments for the new beds hadn’t come in yet, figuring a situation like this wouldn’t even happen at all.

Go figure.

You decided since you got to the bedroom first, you’d have the bed. Fuck Blaine, he’d been an asshole to you the entire time you’ve known him, he can sleep on the damn couch.

You began to strip, thinking it was wise not to smell up the two sets of clothes you had to last you for god only knows how long.

You ended up sleeping in a bra and underwear. Normally you wouldn’t have even worn the bra, but considering Blaine was in the building and you couldn’t lock the bedroom door, you figured it was the safest bet.

As you crawled into bed you heard footsteps heading towards the bedroom.

Here we go.

Blaine entered, looking just as bewildered as you did when you found out there was only one bed.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

You ignored his comment, simply rolling over under the covers.

He stormed over to the bed and ripped the blanket off, revealing your half-naked body in the process.

You became infuriated.

“Hey!!! Do you fucking mind!” You said screaming and grabbing for the blanket.

Blaine stood there in a daze for several seconds, not expecting to see as much as he was planning on seeing.

Thank god I had my bra on.

You expected Blaine to have a comeback to seeing your body. Something about a beached whale ending up in the bed, or anything along those lines. Surprisingly, he didn’t. He had nothing to say at all. He just turned around and slammed the door behind him.

What the fuck was his issue? Whatever it was, he better fix it fast. Your patience was running thin, and it was only day one.

_______________________________________________

Several days had gone by, and the snowstorm wasn’t slowing down at all.

Blaine had ignored you at all costs. If he had to interact with you, he always made some snide comment under his breath. This somehow pissed you off even more. At least before you didn’t have to guess what he was thinking, he said it directly to your face. Now, you had no clue what he was saying about you. God it made your blood boil.

It was around lunchtime again when you saw him. You had chosen to eat chicken noodle soup that day, as you had been colder that day compared to most others.

On your way out of the kitchen, you bumped into Blaine.

You heard him make a comment under his breath again, something alone the lines of “.......fucking bitch.......where you’re goin.”

You had had enough.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

He was taken aback by your abrasiveness. Nonetheless, he still had a response to your question.

“I said, watch where the hell you’re going you fucking bitch.” He enunciated slowly, in a condescending manner.

You were done.

“I’ve had enough of this fucking bullshit Blaine. Why the hell do you hate me so much? What the hell did I ever do to you?”

“Your looks have insulted me from the day I met you. I learned all that I needed to know by just looking at you.”

Out of no where, you decided to shove him. You shoved him so hard he hit the wall behind him.

He looked confused and offended.

“Did you just shove me?”

“I don’t know, did I just shove you? Or did you trip over your enormous fucking ego?”

Blaine stood up tall and pinned you to the wall.

He looked you dead in the face, his eyes piercing into you with anger and something else...

You returned his stare, hopefully having the same effect on him that he was having on you.

After staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity, Blaine kissed you, hard.

You resisted, you resisted so much but your head didn’t have anywhere to go. After a few seconds you gave into the kiss, slowly moving your lips with his. You hated to admit it, but his lips were so soft. It was like kissing clouds surrounding the gates to heaven.

Finally, Blaine pulled back and began staring into your eyes once more. Again, you lept at each other. You grabbed his hair and the side of his face, while he grabbed your hair and your ass to hike up your leg against his hip. Your lips were on each other in no time, sucking and pulling on both his lips and his tongue.

God you were so turned on.

You hated that he made you feel this way but fuck if he wasn’t good. He felt so goddamn good.

He hoisted you up against the wall, your legs wrapping around his hips as you continued to aggressively make out like the two horny twenty-one-year-olds you were. After kissing for five minutes straight, Blaine put you down so you could both remove your pants.

You spoke first “We don’t tell anyone about this.”

Blaine just nodded in agreement, eager to put his cock inside of you.

He hoisted you up against the wall for a second time, wasting no time shoving his cock into your pussy.

“Ohhhh fuck Blaine... go slow go slow...”

You also hated to admit it, but he wasn’t lacking in at least one department.

He smirked, knowing it was too much for you in such a short amount of time.

“What’s wrong y/l/n, can’t get fucked right either?”

“Maybe if you fucked me better I wouldn’t have to complain so much.”

All the talking had allowed time for your pussy to become soaked. Blaine could feel how wet you were. He also noticed how tight you were.

“Fuck, your pussy has been this tight the entire time and you never told me?”

“Oh Jesus Christ just shut up and fuck me before I change my mind Blaine.”

That’s all he needed to hear. He also took it upon himself to take that as the cue to go as fast as he needed to.

He started pumping in and out of you at a rapid pace, making absurdly loud slapping noises in the process.

You couldn’t help but moan into his neck, his name on your lips every ten seconds.

“Fuck, fuck , fuck Blaine don’t stop! Oh god don’t fucking stop.”

He loved hearing his name come out of your mouth like that. In all honesty, Blaine has wanted to fuck you since the day he met you. He suppressed that lust with crude comments, hoping the feelings would subside. Guess that didn’t work out too well.

“Yeah you like that baby? Huh? Like that I’m fucking your pretty pussy?”

“Oh god yes Blaine! Fuck me harder!”

He wasted no time, pounding into you as fast and as hard as he could. You couldn’t help but let your eyes roll in the back of your head as he fucked you so good you thought you were about to see God himself.

Blaine loved seeing you like this, drained by him fucking you relentlessly. In fact, he loved it so much he felt the need to repress his feelings once again, which would be his last effort in trying to do so.

“I still fucking hate you, oh god, oh fuck.”

You looked at him, dead in the eyes, and said “Bold words coming from a man who’s cock is in me.”

All he could do was smile, going in for another kiss while he continued to plow you.

Both of your moans filled the cabin, screaming with no shame, knowing for a fact no one would hear you.

You felt a tight coil forming in your lower stomach, causing you to hold onto Blaine’s shoulders tighter.

“Oh fuck Blaine, I’m gonna cum, oh god I’m gonna cum.”

Blaine took it upon himself to whisper more comments in your ear as you reached your climax together.

“Goddamn right you’re gonna cum on my cock. This is my pussy. No one else gets to touch it, just me. Cum for me baby, you can do it.”

You both screamed as you came, Blaine unintentionally spilling his seed into you. Thank god you remembered to bring your birth control pill.

Just as you two were coming down from your high, you noticed something out of the corner of your eye.

Not something, but someone.

It was Chaz.

You hadn’t noticed while you were fucking, but the snow had cleared up enough just for a one person rescue party. Chaz had come in just moments ago. However, he didn’t say anything. He really didn’t have anything to say. He was stunned.

As you both stared at Chaz, you were the first to speak.

“Well, fuck.”

#hot tub time machine #sebastian stan characters #sebastian stan #Blaine/reader #Blaine x reader

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gas-station-trackphone · 5 years ago

Text

Fic Recs/Mandatory Reading for Reddie fans

Here is an incomplete list of some of my favorite Reddie fics on ao3, because i cannot get over the sheer talent of this fandom’s wonderful writers! A lot of these are the Greatest Hits that you’ll find on almost every fic list, but that’s why I consider them mandatory reading. like if you haven’t read some of these, what are you doing?

the years go by like days by georgiestauffenberg, rated M

the 27 years in between, but better because richie and eddie stay together. every time i think of this fic, i think of that lady gaga meme where she’s like “brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, etc” and maybe it’s bc this is one of the first reddie fics i ever read, but this one is always gonna be my favorite

broken record by spunknbite, rated E

the mother of all time loop fics. every reddie veteran gets chills at the phrase “the house on Neibolt was still standing”

literally everything by stitchy

like seriously just clear a few days bc you’re not gonna want to stop reading this author once you start. no other author has made me literally fucking cackle in one paragraph and sob in the next like this one, pls do yourself a favor and devour all their works like i did

the night we met (take me back) by camerasparring, rated E

ch2 fix-it where eddie shows up at richie’s door alive and with no memory. great slow burn with a wonderfully conflicted richie, 10/10

let’s hear it for my baby! series by cloudings, rated E

OOOOOOOHHH boy! a modern teen!reddie grindr AU that’s both steamy AND sweet?? more like a fucking blessing amen hallelujah

a heart that laughter has made sweet by marjaani, rated E

another lovely teen!reddie fic that’s got it all! sweet, stupid boys, humor, a teeny bit of angst, and some 5-alarm fire smut with some top eddie, as a treat

keep talking. i’ll keep walking toward the sound of your voice. by theappleppielifestyle, rated T

angst with a happy ending is my favorite, and this one is just fantastic. so sweet, so sad! and stan is featured as eddie’s afterlife buddy and idk about y’all but i cannot get enough of stanley uris in my reddie fics. read this, then read all this author’s reddie fics, they’re all amazing

collateral by loosecannon, sheepknitssweater, rated E

a post-ch2 fic that i guess could be classified as fix-it, BUT with some very interesting twists. they beat the clown, everyone lives, but no one really gets the tropey happy ending. the WIP sequel is also incredible and i live for the updates.

the greater fool series by mischiefmanager, mostly rated T with some E

this is a series i’ll reread a lot bc it’s so fucking good. follows young reddie into early adulthood, mostly a bunch of cute shit where they figure out themselves and their relationship. also contains the single best teen reddie fic in existence, he came in through the window, but reading the whole series is a must

brokeback derry and everything else by Amuly, rated E

27 years in between, richie and eddie reconnect in their 20s and meet back up in derry twice a year to remember and love each other before going back to their lives and forgetting. so much pain. there’s a lot of sweet stuff in there, but you can see shit’s gonna get complicated from miles away and the anticipation almost gave me stomach ulcers (in a good way). ultimate angst with a happy ending.

let me name the stars for you by playedwright, rated M

speaking of angst with a happy ending...Martian AU!!!!! this one fucked me up in the best way, i literally called my roommate at 2am to vent to her about my emotions after reading it. i go back and reread chapter 8 just to be overwhelmed by it, and it makes me cry every time. plus, there are awesome sequels/companion pieces in the series! read this, i beg you!

walk through fire for you by hyruling, rated T

unwind after all that angst with some cute, drunk, confused eddie being very upset when he finds out richie is engaged. richie only teases him a little before pointing out the matching ring on eddie’s finger.

in the heat of the summer (you're so different from the rest) by kaboomslang, rated E

post-ch2 slow burn with tags that really say it all, including but not limited to: eddie moves to california and richie is a mess, Eddie Kaspbrak’s Hot Girl Summer, and cute middle aged man dates

pivotal moments by danfanciesphil, polypocket, rated E

high school reddie has a sort of fwb thing goin on, but emotions get in the way. featuring wonderful bevchie friendship, hella miscommunication, cute double dates, high eddie, and a happy ending

like a bullet in the back by jerry_duty, rated M

adult idiots in love! a personal favorite trope of mine! slow burn with a fair helping of angst but a really great ending. richie stays with eddie in new york while he’s there on business, and it takes these losers SO LONG to figure it out but the way they dance around it is very cute

no sense of living without aim [WIP] by liesmyth, rated E

richie and eddie meet on grindr in the 27 years between and hey, whadda ya know, they fall in love! i really love this fic but i’m pretty sure it’s been abandoned. i’ve had it open on my phone browser for like 3 months with no update but i still check it regularly bc i’m pathetic and this fic is just so good i’m DYING to know what happens next so read at ur own risk

a strange sense of familiarity [WIP] by Katranga, rated E

another “they meet and fall in love without remembering” fic, and even though it’s not complete yet, it gets regular updates. oh, also, i’m obsessed with it. they’re long distance fuck buddies who can’t admit they’re in love, and then they get hit with the childhood memories! and everyone lives! what’s not to love! also PLEASE read kisses take like mint and every other reddie work by this author, they are all fantastic

adult friends by sudowoodo, rated T

AU where adult reddie meet at a first aid seminar for work (immediately fall in love), become friends, become best friends, and finally get to be happy. has some super repressed eddie and intensely pining richie, which is always fun, and genuinely made me laugh out loud. also please check out this author’s other reddie fics, there’s some super sweet kid reddie in there that really warms the heart

the mind's a funny fruit by joldiego, rated T

eddie wakes up barely alive in derry, has 0 memory, calls himself richie, and moves in with some lesbians. an absolute must read that ought to be on every reddie fic rec compilation. i read this a long time ago and just thinking about it makes me want to read it again.

now what i'm gonna say may sound indelicate [WIP] by IfItHollers, rated E

it took me entirely too long to find this fic since i joined the fandom, and it’s truly a fucking masterpiece. it’s almost at 200k now and still unfinished, and the slow burn is excruciating, but this is a legendary fic for a reason. eddie spends the first chunk of this fic in the hospital recovering from the massive chest wound, and then he and richie move the recovery to ben’s cabin in the woods. the author’s notes for each chapter are a story in themselves

signs of a new lifetime by swordfishtrombones, rated T

one of the sweetest, most romantic reddie fics i’ve ever read. a fresh take on a classic concept: post-ch2, they’re in love, they haven’t said/done anything about it yet, BUT!!! it’s not angsty! they are all cute and giggly like “you say it first!” “no, you say it first!” and it makes me fucking MELT

broadcasting tower by swordfishtrombones, rated E

back-to-back recs from the same author! bc i love these fics so much! sort of similar to the last one in that they both know what’s up and just haven’t said it, but this one’s got the angst! i didn’t know when i read it that it was the same author as the other fic, and i thought how funny, i found another reddie author that perfectly captures this pair in such a wonderfully romantic way! i also just noticed there’s a follow up to this so now i have to go read that immediately

eurydice; the original comeback kid by Vulcanodon, rated M

for the love of god please read this and the other work in this series. it’s a ch-2 fix-it with some intense action sequences and major pining, and it has haunted me since i first read it

love on the telephone by tempestbreak, rated E

okay this one is really just 30k of pure smut but it’s also so sweet and features a mini sexual awakening for eddie and some insecure richie with an emphasis on how much they love and trust each other. also it doesn’t hurt that the smut is fire, like does anyone else want that twink obliterated, or is it just me?

the boy who loves you by candlejill, rated E

eddie lives, richie confesses, things are chill and then they’re not. richie’s career flourishes, which is always nice to read and is what ultimately catalyzes eddie’s gay awakening and realization of his love for richie. it’s got some sad angsty parts and a very sweet ending, and it up there as one of my favorite reddie fics of all time

richie and eddie break up [WIP] by skeilig, rated M

a refreshing and realistic take on life ch-2 for the losers, because being in love at thirteen doesn’t mean you can fall into a perfect relationship at 40. i’ll admit, i’m hoping this will ultimately be a “richie and eddie get back together” fic, but it’s still a very good read (and often very funny in the second chapter) at the moment in the midst of their break up

september 1989 and everything else by pineapplecrushface, rated T

cute kid reddie figuring it out and making me smile. the follow up to this and the after derry series by this author are also personal favorites

go west by ssstrychnine, rated T

road trip fic! an absolute work of art slow burn with teen reddie in the 90s. it’s so beautifully written i just wish i could go back and read it for the first time again

the edification of eddie kaspbrak by tozier, rated M

character study with some incredible fucking prose, my lord it gorgeous. explores how eddie learns about love as he grows up, and it’s super fucking sad sometimes bc the poor boy doesn’t know how to have the things he wants and i just want to give him a hug, but it’s really a spectacular fic

circular motion by sinchronicity, rated M

soulmate!AU that follows book canon and even though it’s been a long time since i’ve read it and the details are fuzzy, i remember absolutely loving it and thinking it was incredible

tell me you know by RichiesToesHurt, rated E

college losers with some severely pining and jealous richie with a lovely ending

predicament bondage [WIP] by dgalerab, rated E

i resisted reading this fic for so long, recently broke and binged all of it, and now i’m like frothing at the mouth for updates. richie’s a closeted actor/comedian who meets eddie, a professional Dom, when he needs help researching a role. they become friends, they develop crushes, richie realizes he’s a sub, and it’s just so much fun to read

there’s a lot more fics to rec so i might add on to this in the future, but in the meantime my biggest tip for for reading fanfiction that took me embarrassingly long to figure out: focus on the authors! if you read something you like, check out the rest of the work by that author bc odds are you’ll like that too. i mentioned it in a few specific works above, but check out the authors catalogues for these fics. if i included every work by these authors that i loved, this list would be miles long

feel free to add on any great stuff i missed, there’s sure to be tons of it!

#reddie #reddie fanfiction #fic rec #IT movie #it stephen king #losers club #these are mostly just my ao3 bookmarks #there's more in my ao3 if you want to check me out: lilypond3

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chatnoirismycinnamonroll · 6 years ago

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Hey so I'm somewhat new to the Miraculous Ladybug fandom, and was wondering if you could suggest some good fanfics for me? Also I was wondering, I've seen this character called Felix in some of them and I don't know where he came from?

Oh, welcome to the fandom! There's so many fics I wish I could recommend, but I'm on mobile and have no idea how to link things, I'm sorry.

However, I can lead you to several authors here on Tumblr that you can follow that have created many great stories:

@gale-of-the-nomads : I highly recommend their Soulmate Survey AU, which is mostly pure fluff and focuses on reviving the fandom with their love for Adrienette.

@zoe-oneesama : they have an ongoing comic focused on their AU called the Scarlet Lady AU, which focuses on the idea of Chloe Bourgeois having, somehow, gotten thr Ladybug Miraculous instead of Marinette. This AU is what actually got me into the fandom, and they update mostly Wednesdays and Saturdays. Highly recommend.

@nobodyfamousposts : They have several aus as well, but the one I remember most right now would have to be the Dolls AU, where Marinette somehow has creation magic, and every doll she makes somehow comes to life. These dolls see her as their mother, and they love and protect her, especially her little Chaton. Check it out, it's pure fluff.

@ozmav @maribat-archive : they are creating content for a recent AU in which, due to a certain episode in canon that almost everybody in the fandom hates called Chameleon, Marinette is shipped with Damian Wayne after she and her class go on a field trip to Gotham to visit Wayne Enterprises. It is not Adrien, Lila, or the class friendly, but it does explore a sweet dynamic between Marinette and DCs Damian Wayne, or Robin.

@miraculously-quality-content : check out their OctoDad AU, which consists of Original Characters that explore the idea of the heroes having an actual guide in both their civilian and hero lives. With the Octopus Miraculous, the adult hero Mollusk helps the heroes battle both Hawkmoth and the challenges of life. Basically: Mollusk is a cinnamon roll that can kill you if you hurt his kids.

Here are some others that have some great AUs or just some little ficlets that are very entertaining: @lunian @ladybub @mari-cheres @miraculouscontent @miraculous-of-salt

Now, for Felix. I dont really know much either, but I do know some things, not sure if they're right tho: Felix was a character created by Thomas Astruc in the early stages of Miraculous Ladybug, which we call the PV version. It was designed as an Anime, but they later changed the company to ZAG, which designed it as we know it now.

Felix was cold, distant, and almost emotionless. He didnt want to be Chat Noir, but was cursed with bad luck, and became Chat Noir. The only way to get the curse off was to get a kiss from his partner, Ladybug, who definitely does not want to kiss him. The love square is still in effect, but more snubbing from both sides. Felix doesnt want anything to do with Bridgette, the PV Ladybug, and Ladybug doesnt want anything to do with Chat Noir. But he helps her defend Paris, so she "deals" with him. It was never completed, or even expanded on much, but the fandom really liked Felix, since he wasnt "perfect" like Adrien is made out to be.

Now, the fandom loves Felix more on the basis of "what could have been", and some fanfiction writers really took the charcater and adapted him into a more likeable character, especially after the episode Chameleon which, if you've watched it, you can find many fics and headcanons that "fix" this episode under the tag #mlsalt.

Felix also made a comeback in the fandom after someone leaked the episode names for Season 3, and we saw an Episode that revolves around Felix. The reason why is because Astruc himself had said that Felix was never going to show up in Miraculous ever again, as Astruc absolutely hated his character, but seeing an episode revolving around Felix coming up made the fandom question why? Why did Astruc lie? What is he going to do with Felix? Is he going to make Felix look worse? The fandom isnt having it so far, and had started to create content revolving around Felix and his involvement in the class, and his relationship with Marinette.

@miraculous-of-salt really made me like Felix as a love interest to Marinette in her God AU, in which Marinette is Persephone, the Goddess of Life, and Felix is Hades, the God of the Underworld, or Death.

There are so many fanfics and headcanons and ideas, that I really cant tell you how many I have seen. I've literally only been here 1 year, and I've already seen so much. Each episode that comes out helps us to create more content for our fanfictions, and with Lila Rossi reentering the picture this season, most fanfictions have her as the main antagonist, apart from Hawkmoth, as she is now seen as a greater evil.

You can also check out @ao3feed-ladynoir for more ML fanfiction. They almost regularly post new Fanfiction links to AO3, and they cover almost everything.

I hope this helps you in getting into the fandom further, and if anyone else wants to add more writers or fanfictions to check out, please be my guest and reblog with your info. Let's help someone out, shall we?

Oh, also @buggachat Cant believe I almost forget them.

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snowbellewells · 6 years ago

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Self Promo Sunday: The Case of the Heart in Armor: Part Two

I’m re blogging this once more this morning. It was at an odd time earlier this week when I did it, and I thought I mind give it another go. There were a few who asked to be tagged in updates who I am not sure saw it the first time.

This was originally written for the CS Role Reversal event in October, to accompany the amazing fanart created by @courtorderedcake. I had SO MUCH FUN working with her and coming up with this story. I certainly didn’t mean to keep folks waiting this long for the second part. I still hope those who were reading and excited about it will enjoy!! :)

@courtorderedcake I don’t know why I can’t get your picture to post on here like I did with Part One. For everyone else though, don’t miss her gorgeous art!! You can see it in the link to Part One below...

~~~~

Summary: Killian “Holmes” Jones is rarely surprised or shocked anymore, but that all changes when he meets one very stubborn - and very beautiful - pickpocket, and trouble brews in the distance, hidden by the London fog…

Part One

by: @snowbellewells

Part Two

Chief Inspector David Nolan watched with weary acceptance as his erstwhile younger sister paced back and forth in front of the large mahogany desk in the private office at the Yard which he had worked bloody hard to earn. It wasn’t as though farm boys from Surrey made their way up the elite ranks of London’s police force regularly, and he could admit himself more than a bit proud of the distinction. It wouldn’t be the first time he had seen Emma in such a state either - she was as stubborn as the day was long, and had quite the temper besides, if a person had poor enough judgement to rile her. Though he didn’t mind listening to Emma’s tirade, he would have to quiet her soon, both because her rant was rising in volume instead of tapering off, and because the man she was ranting against was indeed an acquaintance of his and had helped him out of some tight scrapes - more than Nolan would actually like to admit.

Standing finally, and rubbing a hand over tired eyes - his latest case had already kept him from sound sleep three nights in a row - David rounded the desk with measured and steady stride to take Emma’s arm gently, stopping her wild gesticulations in midair before she could manage to clock him on the chin. Even though at present he found himself wishing she could be a bit more demure and correct, David did care deeply for the slip of a young woman his single mother had taken into their home when he was fourteen and Emma only twelve. His mum had caught Em’s hand in her pocketbook outside the market where she had been lurking, stealing to survive. He still remembered those half-wild eyes, her dirt-smudged face, and how thin and ravenously hungry the girl who became his sister had been. She’d already been alone on the streets for some time by that point, had trusted no one (she still trusted very few), and yet, Ruth Nolan, despite she and David having little to spare themselves, simply couldn’t abide the situation without helping. They’d only been in town to shop for a new sturdy coat to last David the winter and visit the theatre - a rare treat indeed - but when they had returned to the country, Emma had gone with them. Gradually, Emma had come to believe that they wouldn’t turn her out, that she couldn’t make Ruth rescind her welcome, and David had come to be glad for a sibling and hearty companion. There were still signs of that feral waif scrapping to survive when her eyes flashed with fury as they were doing just then, but David wouldn’t have Emma be someone else - even if it would make his life occasionally easier.

Hoping to placate her, at least a bit, before telling her what he knew might send her flying off the handle once again, David guided his sibling into the seat facing his desk, a soothing hand lingering at her shoulder as he attempted to commiserate. “It does sound as if your meeting with Mr. Jones was most vexing. No wonder you were put out.”

Emma was nodding along, her shoulders still radiating tension and looking only slightly mollified as he went back toward his own seat and lowered his broad-shouldered, commanding frame into it once more. “The sheer audacity!” She was still saying, clearly gearing up to tell him the whole story again, when David stretched his hand out to still her next torrent of hissed words.

“The thing is,” he began, rather hesitantly; regardless of his usual air of strength and authority, he seemed to be nearly tiptoeing around his sister, knowing her tart tongue and ability to hold a grudge could make him truly miserable if he handled the situation badly and she thought him to be taking Killian Jones’ side over her own. “Jones was not in the strictest sense out of turn to claim that he knew me… nor to be surprised we were related. He has aided us here at the Yard several times now, when we thought a case was about to reach a true dead end. He’s a right clever chap, and much as I hate to admit it, he sees things the rest of us miss - myself included. It’s almost uncanny, and no doubt how he caught you in the act - slick and nimble-fingered as you are, Sis.”

Emma’s mouth opened with a comeback; he could see her gathering a fortifying breath, but at the last statement, clearly reminding her that he knew she sometimes returned to her less-than-legal roots and he looked the other way, she snapped it closed again, her teeth clacking against each other with the force. Instead, she arched a brow at him sardonically as if questioning what he had to tell her and already warning him that it wouldn’t change her mind all in one.

However, before he could get around to explaining that she would have to learn to tolerate Mr. Jones as best she could, because they would soon be seeing each other more often, or warn her once more of the dangers she invited by haunting the seedier neighborhoods where he knew she most liked to set up her cart of flowers and put her old, erstwhile skills into practice, they were interrupted by two sharp, business-like raps on his office door before it opened abruptly. His second-in-command, Graham Watson, entered with an apologetic and rather sheepish look on his face.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, Sir… Miss Emma…” the boyishly sweet-faced lieutenant nodded to her in deference before turning his attention back to her adoptive brother, a light flush actually crawling up the back of his neck toward his honey-colored hair, unmanageably curly and only adding to his tousled, youthful appearance as his eyes flicked back away from Emma. He had taken her to the opera once, and though he had been a perfect gentleman, Emma had the sneaking suspicion they would make for a poor pair beyond mere acquaintances. A faint smirk quirked one corner of her full, rosy lips upwards at the thought, but despite his clearly still harboring a bit of attracted interest, she had the distinct impression that he couldn’t handle her were she to truly let loose and be herself in his presence.

“That’s alright, Graham,” David assured, smiling and beckoning the other man forward.

Graham entered, but then turned back to usher another through the door behind him. “You told me to let you know when Holmes arrived,” he added.

Emma turned sharply in her seat, skin prickling with awareness at the sight of the tall, dark-headed and astonishingly blue-eyed man from the day before easing into the office behind Watson. He waggled an eyebrow at her, maddeningly aware of her strong reaction and raising her ire once more without even having spoken. Giving a brief dip of the head like a bow to her, he turned to face her brother as well, tucking his right thumb into the belt loop of his well-fitted charcoal slacks, and somehow making even perfectly correct dress attire look rakishly sinful as his hips preceded him a step forward into the room. “Afternoon, Nolan,” he greeted mildly, looking for all the world as though he had not a care. “Heard you wished to speak with me. Found the thief who took my watch, have you?”

He glanced over his shoulder at Emma, looking all-too-pleased with himself if the grin stretching his mouth in satisfied confidence was any indication.

“Why you…” she leapt to her feet, ready to stalk forward and challenge his accusation - true it might be, but she would like to see him prove it. However, she found that the creative and colorful arsenal of pejorative names and curses usually ready on the tip of her tongue were all tangled up inside her mouth. Opening and closing it several times uselessly, she finally shook her head with a huff, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at him darkly, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing her struggle for words.

Smirking with lazy ease, as if the entire situation amused him immensely, Jones rolled his tongue around in his mouth obscenely (it did not make Emma’s pulse tap noticeably in her throat at all) before speaking to her once more. “Aye, Love, it is me, as you say…. Always nice to make an impression.” And then (the very cheek of him!) he winked at her before sliding his gaze back to her brother.

It certainly didn’t help her rising temper to sense David, and Graham too it seemed, silently chuckling as he watched their volatile exchange. She supposed she deserved that to some extent, being quicker and more stealthy than most by half, and not ashamed to make it known and use it to her advantage, even with those closest to her when it suited. It probably was more than a bit amusing to both of them to see her genuinely rattled by this...this… Well, she didn’t even have a word for this Killian ‘Holmes’ Jones, but she wasn’t about to stand there and have them all snickering at her expense. Sweeping around her chair in the opposite direction, careful to avoid coming anywhere near Jones, she threw over her shoulder as she started for the door. “Well, David, if we’re done for the moment, I’ll be going…”

She was well on her way to stalking dramatically from the room, congratulating herself through her flustered nerves that it would serve them right to have run her off when they needed her for whatever they were gathered to cluck about like a bunch of old hens. David and Graham both knew she was a valuable and well-placed set of eyes and ears to the ground in parts of the city where the police could go but would see and hear nothing at all. David had accepted her help gratefully on numerous occasions - even if he always tried to go without it at first. He argued about jeopardizing her safety and the questionable legality of involving someone not part of the force to gain intelligence.

None of that concerned Emma though; she liked proving her mettle - and her skill. Deep down, there was also, she supposed, a part of her that wanted to do something in return for the gift David’s mother, and David too, had given her, taking her into their home and off of the street. He was the one person left in the world she could call family, and she would do anything for him, despite that sentiment going largely unspoken. She knew the same was true of him for her.

Before she could get out the door however, David’s voice drew her back in, a weariness and a resigned need to it that practically compelled her to wait and hear him out. David was capable and astute; good at his job no matter how much she might playfully heckle or give him grief. If he were this intent on having her assistance, then it was something serious with which he was dealing. A tremor of awareness, foreboding shivering up her spine, ran across Emma’s skin as she paused and then turned back to the three men now gathered around David’s desk and the precarious mess of papers piled atop it that she had failed to notice until that very second.

Graham’s voice spoke next, sounding both troubled and anxious as he did so, “Are you sure we should…?” His hands wrung themselves nervously, as if he was having to consciously fight not to reach out and cover the crime scene photographs she could just make out peeking from the stacks strewn across the surface before her as she drew nearer.

And when she actually laid eyes on what her brother’s lieutenant had wanted to shield her from, Emma’s stomach did make a large and unpleasant lurch for her throat. Pressing her hand against her abdomen to still its sudden roiling, despite all that she had seen in her rough and ramshackle upbringing and colorful present dealings, she had to hold back a shocked gasp of horror at the sight in front of her. It was a near thing indeed. Even as she struggled not to jerk her glance away and stand up straight and unfazed, not wanting it to be dismissed as “feminine vapors”, or something equally ridiculous if she showed too much distress. She knew her brother and his subordinate better than that anyway - and they seemed plenty subdued and disturbed by the pictures as well. But she would not show weakness in front of Killian Jones.

To her surprise, at just the moment she had that thought, and steeled herself against the tremors trying to overtake her limbs, she felt a light, surreptitious hand rest carefully at the small of her back. It took a mere moment to realize that the touch was Jones, and that he must mean it to be steadying, offered in comfort and solidarity. He didn’t make an attempt to look at her in mocking, nor did he draw the other two men’s attention to his actions. And though her eyes had narrowed to near-slits, ready to chastise him about keeping his hands to himself, and warn him that she had no need of his brand of comfort, Emma found herself doing nothing of the sort. Where she had felt herself going cold at the fearful sight chilling her blood from the displayed evidence, warmth seemed to radiate from where his large hand rested, fighting off some of the frigid ice that had infiltrated her veins with the repulsion she felt for the crime. Despite still wanting to show him up if she could, and despite not wanting to let a point of frailty show, she was glad to have the contact in that minute, while she battled to regain control.

The criminal David was chasing was clearly a monster… and they were going to need all the help they could get.

~~~~~~~~~~~~***

Deep, devious eyes, painted beguilingly, narrowed in intense concentration as they studied the carnage spread out over the worktable. Rather than finally seeing the last ingredient needed, there was instead merely one more bloody mess. A needless loss - not that the culprit was crying any tears over the unfortunate victim.

Not unexpectedly, it was now proven, as the villain had feared, that not just any organ would do. It must be a heart, fatal as that realization was. Moreover, no random heart would suffice either. Her last conquest had made that appalling fact abundantly clear.

No, if she wanted to truly put the alchemical possibilities she had studied to the test, and to discover if her abilities within the field were as great as she needed them to be, this final hurdle and greater risk was unavoidable. Bringing the dead back to life was seemingly impossible; none disputed that fact. And yet, she refused to accept those terms, ending her life’s happiness when it had barely begun.

Wiping deceptively pale and delicate hands on the cloth beside her, she did her best to remove the vivid red stains covering her hands and forearms where they were bared beneath her rolled up sleeves. Resurrection was bloody work indeed, but her course had long since been set. A specific heart it would have to be. Garnet lips painted as deep and dark as the blood splattered around her tilted up in an unnerving and sinister smile. Oh yes, she would get that heart she needed - no matter what it took to acquire.

Tagging: @courtorderedcake @cocohook38 @jennjenn615 @kmomof4 @hollyethecurious @darkcolinodonorgasm @winterbaby89 @teamhook @thisonesatellite @laschatzi @stahlop @ultraluckycatnd @drowned-dreamer @resident-of-storybrooke @revanmeetra87

#cs role reversal #cs au mc #cs victorian au #Holmes! Killian #case of the heart in armor #part two #self promo sunday

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gloomstudy · 6 years ago

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life update + recent accomplishments, among other things

hello friends! it’s been a while. sorry for disappearing for 5 days ;; i’ve been really busy and a lot has been going on, so here’s what i’ve been up to!

work-related things, part 1:

as you probably already know, i’m not in school anymore. i have a job and i’m working now!

it’s actually business-related, not music-related! so, there’s always a lot of work to do and a lot of people to communicate with.

as an introvert, it’s quite tiring, but i’m getting better at it and i’m learning new things every day. i’m also very grateful that my managers, coworkers, and i get along well!

but in the past couple weeks, a lot of employees have been resigning. our company is now severely understaffed, so my working hours have been increased ;; this is the main reason why i haven’t been active lately.

it’s very stressful when there aren’t enough people working :(

on the bright side, i regularly speak 4 different languages at this job: english, cantonese, mandarin, and a bit of korean! i’m glad that my language skills and studies have come in handy, and i can practice speaking more.

work-related things, part 2:

i also have another job! i haven’t told you about it yet, until now. but first, i’m going to preface this.

i spent this past summer studying for 2 exams -- the CBEST (California Basic Educational Skills Test) and the CSET: Multiple Subjects (California Subject Examinations for Teachers).

okay, i know what you’re probably thinking. “kat, why are you suddenly going into teaching? didn’t you study music in uni?”

yes, you’re right. i studied music, but it’s also very difficult to find a music-related job after graduating, so i’m trying out something new and i’m going on an alternate career path for a little while. i need to make a living and pay off my student loans somehow, right?

anyway, i successfully passed both exams!

btw if anyone wants study tips for these 2 exams, please let me know, and i’d be happy to help!

so...

i am now a substitute teacher for my local school district!! :D

i haven’t actually started teaching yet, but i will soon, once i get all my paperwork done.

it’s going to be interesting to teach at the schools that i went to when i was growing up, but i’m kinda excited!

so yeah...now i have 2 jobs!

creative things:

aside from work, i spontaneously started composing a new piece last week!

i’m not sure when i’ll be done, but i’m aiming to finish before christmas.

if it turns out well, i’ll record it and post it here and on soundcloud! maybe i’ll finally start posting living room sessions again, haha.

i also need to catch up on a lot of bujo spreads jdskflsdjf

i’ll be posting those as soon as i can, both on here and on my studygram!

other things:

i’ve been exercising more regularly for the past couple months!

i think cardio is my favorite? i’ve been following along with dance workout videos by sunny funny fitness on youtube. i enjoy them a lot, and it’s fun learning different choreography!

exercising regularly has helped me feel better throughout the rest of the day. i feel less gloomy because of the boost of endorphins.

i’ve also been getting more into astro, so i guess i’m slowly becoming an aroha! i’m very excited for their next comeback. cha eunwoo is my bias, if you were wondering.

i’m trying to get back into more (leisurely) reading as well. i’ve been visiting my local library once every few weeks for the past couple months. recently, i finally borrowed the first 2 books of the raven cycle. i’m excited to start reading them!

i’m currently watching season 4 of boku no hero academia. if anyone wants to scream with me, please do. my messages are always open :)

tl;dr:

one of my coworkers: honestly, i think my sanity has left the chat.

me: oh mood.

me, internally: but it’s fine! i’ve got a lot on my plate right now, but things have a way of working themselves out, and i’d like to think that things are getting better. :’)

yes, that was an actual conversation that i had recently lol.

that’s all for now! thank you for reading and for sticking with me. it really means a lot! i hope you’re all doing well. take care~ 💕✨

#kat rambles #sorry @ mobile users for the long post!#also pls appreciate yachi :')#aka the girl in my icon!!

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svtmatokis · 6 years ago

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Matchmaker P4

Here is Matchmaker P4! Things are getting more intense between Y/N and yoongi but now we’ve thrown JIhoon into the mix...uh oh :oo

Plot: You’re a small name model who is close friends with Joshua and Taehyung and just moved to Korea after signing with an agency. You’ve been a fan of BTS for as long as you could remember and biased Yoongi. Little did you know, despite not being well known, you had caught Yoongi’s eye a long time ago and now you guys get to meet. Even though the two of you become friends, Yoongi’s apparently too shy and you’re just apparently oblivious to his feelings. Will it take a push from Taehyung and the rest of his members for you two to finally get together or will Yoongi be able to do it on his own?

Words: 4164

Warnings: May contain swearing, slightly intimate touches and Im not sure….

Genre: flufff/ slight angst

And the winner for number one song is...BTS!” the MC announced as the fans went wild.

After the thank you speeches, the men walked off the stage back to their dressing room where various staff members had congratulated them. Hara and a few other trainees had also attended the broadcast to show their support and were congratulating them as they walked into the room.

“Good job guys!” Hara said with a big smile as the members thanked her. “I knew you guys would win!”

“Thanks Hara.” Jin said ruffling her hair with a smile as he looked towards the door where another group had walked in. “Y/N?”

You, Minyoung, Joshua and Dino along with a staff from Pledis walked into the room with a bouquet of flowers.

“Congratulations!!” you and Minyoung said as various members came to stand around you.

“What are you guys doing here?” Namjoon asked accepting the flowers.

“Your manager invited us and neither of us have anything to do till later so we figured why not.” you explained, “We were in the audience the whole time to watch the other groups.”

“You should have said something.” Taehyung said, “We made reservations at a restaurant for supper, do you guys want to come?”

Yoongi looked at you as you waved at him and he walked over to you as well.

“Hey, you feel better?” he asked putting his hand to your forehead and you nodded.

“I got cleared last week. We would’ve come sooner but work happened. When your managers invited us, we had to take it.” you answered looking at your watch, “Did you sleep last night?” you asked noting the eye bags he wore and he shrugged.

“Enough.” he said as his members moved to one side of the room leaving the two of you to talk in private. “I feel like going back to the dorm instead of eating tonight.” he said rubbing his eyes, “What are you guys doing?”

“My sister and I have to go back to the agency for a project...if you’re free tomorrow, you and the guys should come over for brunch. A few of the Seventeen members are going to be there since we never got to have a proper housewarming.” you said with a warm smile and Yoongi smiled back.

“I’ll see what everyone’s doing and let you know soon.” he said with a nod, “What’s the project about?”

“It’s top secret.” you said with a finger to your lips, “You should hear about it sometime soon though.”

Yoongi raised his eyebrow at you making you giggle, “It’s not a modeling thing?”

You shook your head “Nope. It’s much more fun for me though.”

“Then I’ll look forward to the reveal.” Yoongi said ruffling your hair before leaning closer to you as you were sitting on the couch while you watched your friends goof around with the other Seventeen members that had appeared. “How long till you guys leave?”

“We have to meet in forty-five minutes so Miyoung and I will leave in fifteen or so. I think some of the others decided to have dinner with you guys too.” you said and felt someone staring at you and turned to see Hara who was glaring daggers.

“Shame you guys can’t come.” he said and followed your gaze once he noticed you were distracted. “You good?”

Your eyes narrowed as you nodded your head, “Yea...I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” he asked as Taehyung came up to the two of you.

“Y/N, you can’t make dinner?” he asked with a whine. “We haven’t hung out in forever!!”

“Didn’t Minyoung tell you we had a project to go back to?” you asked and he nodded his head glumly, “Well there you go. Yoongi will tell you guys something after anyways.”

“What are you telling Yoongi that you can’t share with me?” he asked with a small frown and you shrugged and looked at your watch, “Because I have to go…we’ll see you guys tomorrow.” you got up as did Yoongi who leaned over to give you a slight hug.

“See you tomorrow.” he said as you wrapped your arms around him.

“Please leave the trainee at home if you can.” you whispered in his ear and he nodded.

“Was never on planning on bringing her.” he said as you pulled away and smiled at him before going to join your sister at the door.

Hara walked up to Yoongi and tried to talk to him as he sat back on the couch to go on his phone.

“I heard you have a day off tomorrow...do you want to go to the arcade with a few of us?” she asked and Yoongi gave her the cold shoulder.

“Or we can also get food instead…” she suggested and Yoongi continued his silence.

“Yoongi-” she tried again but was cut off.

“I’m busy.” he said without looking up and smiled as he saw a text message from you about brunch the next day and was happy to get the details sooner or later. He would talk to his members about it later.

He was slightly irritated with Hara after what Taehyung had told him but Namjoon had said not to act until something did happen because it had the potential to effect the company and himself as an artist. So he held back and continued to do what he always did but he made sure to keep more of a distance. He had yet to have the chance to ask you about Hara though he had been meaning to. Unfortunately, due to scheduling, it was hard to have those nightly conversations as you regularly did.

As everyone got to the restaurant, the BTS members and the Seventeen members who had joined them spread out amongst the tables. Hara was disappointed since she didn’t get to sit next to Yoongi since he situated himself between Vernon and Seungcheol but was content sitting in front of him so she could still listen in on their conversations. Though she was one of the few trainees there, the BTS members had always made her feel like one of them which was good and bad on their part.

All the members had noticed quickly of her attachment to the group and was advised by their management to distance themselves from the trainees and only provide mentoring when asked to. That didn’t stop Hara though as she was always looking for them whenever she had the time. Jimin had even gone as far as to compare her to a puppy looking for their owner one time as a joke though Namjoon had quickly reprimanded him though in the back of his mind, he knew there was some truth to it.

As everyone enjoyed their dinner, a few people were looking down at their phones at a certain conversation that was going on.

[9:45pm] Minyoung: Hey is Yoongi the jealous type…?

[9:50pm] Joon: Depends…...why?

[9:51pm] Josh: ……….oh my gosh Minyoung you genius! That’s why you accepted the project! A clip’s going to be posted tonight right?

[9:52pm] Dino: My girlfriend = so smart ♥ AND WHY AREN’T YOU GUYS PRACTICING

[9:53pm] Kookie: Care to fill us in?

[9:53pm] Chimchim: What’s going on? Why would Yoongi be jealous?

[9:54pm] Minyoung: Well...you see. A few months ago, Soonyoung and Jihoon asked if we were interested in working on a project with them...I obviously agreed and so did Y/N and we learned that it was going to be a dance for the Hoshi Woozi Unit… Jihoon and Y/N are partnered up.

[9:59pm]Minyoung: We’re taking a quick break...technically Soonyoung and I are going through a part of the routine...Y/N and Jihoon are on the side reviewing their part. The company’s going to be posting a video and a picture soon~

[9:55pm] Tae: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA omg...Y/N got paired up with Yoongi’s son.

[9:56pm] Joon: What kind of dance is it?

[9:56pm] Dino: It’s intimate...Sexy concept.Hopefully Yoongi doesn’t take it the wrong way. The girls didn’t know until Woozi showed them the song...they’ve actually been practicing for a while now…

[9:51pm] Josh: They started around the time Y/N joined the agency...we weren’t allowed to talk about it till the unit debut was announced which is tonight.

[9:57pm] Kookie: And you’re okay with this?

[9:58pm] Dino: I helped with the dance :) Plus everyone in the group knows we’re together.

[9:59pm] Minyoung: Getting back to practice, talk to you guys later.

[10:00pm] RM: When’s the comeback? We’ll be sure to attend at least one of the shows.

[10:01pm] Josh: I think it’s the week of your guys’ last performance...right before your break so I guess their schedules are going to cross over.

[10:05pm] RM: Wow...not sure if that’s going to be a good or bad thing…

[10:07pm] Josh: To MY knowledge, Jihoon knows that Y/N has an intense crush on Yoongi...I heard him making fun of her during one of their practices one day.

[10:10pm] Tae: Get him in this convo! We need him to help us plot! The dance might be the kick that Yoongi needs.

-Dino has added Woozi into the conversation-

[10:10pm] Dino: They’re practicing right now but at least he’s in the group.

[10:12pm] Jin: I just hope no one gets hurt in the process...

As the group got ready to leave, a notification from Instagram popped up on Taehyungs phone and when he went to check it, his jaw dropped.

“Holy shit! I didn’t know Y/N was THAT flexible!” he yelled causing everyones attention to be turned to him.

“What the heck are you talking about Tae?” Yoongi asked as the group minus a the Seventeen members crowded around him as they were around Seungcheol who was looking at the same post.

“Holy shit.” Jungkook said with wide eyes,

The post showed a photo of you, Jihoon, Minyoung and Soonyoung in your partner positions. While Minyoung had her leg wrapped around Soonyoungs waist, Jihoon had you in a dip where your leg had slid between his and his arm was around your waist. The photo had obviously been taken as the routine was finished because the editing had allowed everyone to see the beads of sweat on your faces.

As Yoongi observed the photo, a knot tied in his stomach and he gulped. It wasn’t because of the position itself that got him, it was the look that you shared with Jihoon that did. It was so intense yet so trusting, as if the two of you held a secret that no one else knew about. He didn’t like it not one bit.

As various people around him commented on the photo, he heard Seungcheol yell out to the group asking if they wanted to go play billiards. Yoongi agreed for once and figured it would be a good way to get his mind off his current thoughts which was how he didn’t like that you and Jihoon were together...despite it only being a collaboration between lablemates.

After a few rounds of the game, he looked down at his phone and saw that it was almost midnight so he excused himself and stepped out to make a phone call.

“Hello?” your voice came from the other side.

“Hey, how was practice?” he asked happy that you answered, “Where are you right now?”

“Hey Yoongs!” you said with happiness in your voice. Little did he know, you were happy he called as well, “Practice was fun...exhausting. The four of us are out having a late supper right now. Where are you guys?”

“Billiards hall with a few of the Seventeen members. Are we still on for brunch tomorrow?”

“Of course! Can you tell Chan that my sisters going to spend the night at my place tonight so he doesn’t need to worry about taking care of her drunk ass? She and Soonyoung are going crazy right now, you won’t believe the shit they did at practice today…” you said and continued the story on while Yoongi listened and laughed at certain parts.

Meanwhile, Taehyung and Joshua were on their phones taking a break from the game looking through various messages.

[11:45pm] Woozi: What the heck is this shit?

[11:50pm] Tae: Welcome to the Matchmakers club, son of Yoongi :)

[11:50pm] Woozi: What the shit?!

[11:51pm] Josh: So where’s Y/N?

[11:51pm] Woozi: She got a phone call and stepped out of the restaurant, leaving me with these two drunkards

[11:52pm] Tae: Yoongi’s gone too...I bet you they’re talking to each other.

[11:53pm] Woozi: I wouldn’t doubt it...I’m looking at her through the window and she has this goofy smile on her face. Why am I in here again?

[11:53pm] Tae: I need you to help make Yoongi jealous so he’ll ask Y/N out…

[11:53pm] Woozi: No way! Yoongi’s a good friend and the last thing I want is to cause bad blood between us.

[11:53pm] Tae: Believe me, you won’t.

[11:54pm] Josh: The agency posted the photo of your dance routine tonight and he knows that the two of you are working together...Plus, it’s not like you have to “flirt” with her. You two have been close wayyyy before she started with the agency. You just have to...show Yoongi in an indirect way how close you two are. Please Jihoon? You’re literally our only hope

[11:55pm] Tae: And if Yoongi gets mad at any point, I’ll fess up and say that it was all my idea. Pleassssssseeeee Jihoon.

[11:57pm] Woozi: … If Y/N or Yoongi find out about this, you guys are DEAD got it?

[11:58pm] Josh: Loud and clear.

[11:58pm] Tae: Now go get Y/N to come back and make Yoongi jealous!

Jihoon looked down at his phone and let out a sigh, what the heck was he getting himself into? He looked outside and saw that you were still on the phone and looked between Soonyoung and Minyoung who had both taken another shot and were giggling uncontrollably. Maybe it was a good time to bring you in, he had a feeling that these two weren’t going to last much longer.

He got up and told Soonyoung not to go anywhere before he stepped outside. “Hey Y/N” he called out.

You paused your conversation and turned to the voice who called your name, “Hold on, I think Jihoon needs something.” you said into the receiver before looking up at your good friend, “What’s up Ji?”

“Let’s get going. I’m not sure how much longer your sister and Soonyoung are going to last.” he said nodding his head towards the two.

“Okay, I’ll be there in a second.” you said with a nod and returned back to your phone, “Sorry, I have to go. Minyoung and Hoshi are at their limits and I think Jihoon needs help with them. I’ll see you tomorrow kay?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow Y/N..” Yoongi said not really ready to go yet, “Have a good night kay? Text me if you need anything for tomorrow.”

“You too Yoongs.” you said distractedly as Jihoon motioned for you to hurry up, “And I’ll let you know. I really got to go so I’ll see you tomorrow.” and with that you hung up the line and walked back into the restaurant to get your sister while Jihoon dealt with Soonyoung..

Yoongi looked down at his phone and let out a small sigh, “At least I’ll see her tomorrow.” he muttered to himself while shooting a quick text to the group saying that he was headed back to the dorms. He suddenly didn’t want to be around people anymore.

The next day, the BTS members showed up at your apartment with a few bags of food that amazingly, Joshua had asked them to bring.

When Namjoon knocked on the door, he expected to see your smiling face but instead was greeted by Seungcheol and Jeonghan.

“Hey guys, just on time.” Seungcheol said opening the door wider so everyone could come in.

The members were greeted with the smell of food and various Seventeen members lounging around your living room, or setting up the food on your dining room table. Mingyu was in the kitchen stirring something in a pot while Josuha was washing dishes. The only two members that they couldn’t see were Soonyoung and Jihoon as well as you and Minyoung.

“Where’s Soon and Woozi?” Jungkook asked and Jeonghan pointed towards the dance studio.

“They’re running through their comeback routine with Y/N and Minyoung.” he explained, “They were going to practice today but since the three of them stayed the night here, they cancelled the night time practice and just woke up early.”

“Soonyoung and Jihoon stayed the night?” Jimin asked as Seungcheol nodded.

“Her apartment was closer to the restaurant than our dorm and Soonyoung had too much fun. You guys can go check it out if you want.” he said, “And Y/N said to just make yourselves at home when you got here.”

The members made their way towards your dance room where they heard something along the lines of hip hop meets salsa music coming from the speakers. When they looked into the room, most of their jaws dropped.

“Holy shit.” Hoseok said as he watched the four of you move in sync.

“Dang, they weren’t kidding when they said it was a sexy concept.” Jimin said as he saw Jihoon dip you before pulling you back up to his chest before spinning you around. “Has anyone seen Y/N dance before?”

All the guys shook their heads as they continued to watch the practice. Yoongis eyes were literally transfixed on you as you moved to the music with Jihoon. He had no idea your hips could move the way they were moving now and he could see Jihoons hand get awfully close to an area which should only be reserved for significant others. He tried not to let it affect him but he felt some jealousy bubbling as you went into your finishing pose which was the dip but this time, you came back up and wrapped your leg around Jihoons waist and his hand sat right above your butt.

“Hold, two, three, four” Minyoung counted, “And break.”

“Great! We almost got it down perfectly.” Soonyoung said before waving at the guys of BTS through the mirror as they walked in, “Hey guys! What’d you think?”

“I think you guys are going to rock your unit debut.” Namjoon said as you all went to greet them, “Especially if you have the Yang sisters dancing with you on stage.”

“Yea, you guys looked really good. Y/N, where’d you learn to move your hips like that?” Hoseok asked and you shrugged.

“I’ve been dancing since I was three or so...so I learned at some point.” you said accepting a water bottle from Jihoon. “Did you guys just get here?”

“Not too long ago. We brought some stuff Josh asked for.” Taehyung said, “Are you guys done practice?”

“Yep, we’ve been up since seven in the morning.” you said with a cheeky grin and looked at Soonyoung and Minyoung who were almost dead, “Jihoon and I decided to teach those two a lesson about drinking so much.”

“Please never make us do that again.” Minyoung said with a groan, “Literally get back to your place at twelve thirty and we stayed up till like two.”

“Then don’t drink the Soju like water again.” Jihoon shot, “Who asked you idiots to drink more when we got back here?”

“You and Y/N were!” Soonyoung shot back as he took a big gulp from the water bottle. “How are you two not tired after falling asleep as four?”

“One, we didn’t drink during supper since we had to take care of your asses and two, I’m naturally a morning person.” you retorted.

“I was too busy wanting to teach you a lesson to care about sleep honestly.” Jihoon said with a shrug just as Seungcheol popped his head in.

“Hey guys, the rest of the foods ready. Let’s go eat.” he said before disappearing again.

Jihoon looked down at you and then gave Yoongi a side glance and saw him watching you from the corner of his eye as he was talking to Namjoon and Soonyoung.

He offered you his hand and pulled you up once you took it, “Let’s go, I’m starved.” he said as he lead you out through the other door, passing by Yoongi and Namjoon along the way.

You gave Yoongi a smile as you passed him, following Jihoon into the living room where all the food was already set up.

“Dang guys, you did this in two hours?” you asked as Joshua handed you a plate.

“Considering the four of you were busy, yes.” he responded as everyone started taking food from the buffet style set up.

You went to sit in your living room, happy that your apartment was open concept so it connected well with the dining room and watched as everyone else settled in and started eating.

Jihoon had sat next to you and the two of you started having a conversation with Hoseok about the dance routine. All the while, Yoongi sat behind you on the couch talking to Seungcheol though half listening to the conversation you were having.

Taehyung and Joshua shared a look and snickered behind their food as they watched Yoongi eventually become your back support and at the same time, you were making fun of Jihoon about hating skin ship and Jihoon leaned over and smacked you in the forehead.

“So are they really that close?” Taehyung asked Joshua as they continued to observe the three of you.

“Oh yea.” Joshua said with a nod, “they kind of clicked when I introduced them and I know they’ve kept in touch over the years. I think he actually knows a bit more about her than I do.”

“Dang…” Taehyung, “No wonder they had so much chemistry while dancing together…You could literally see the electricity going between them.”

“You saw it too eh?” Joshua said, “It’s why the choreographers wanted them to work together. It’s platonic though. Jihoon has been teasing Y/N about her infatuation with Yoongi since day 1”

“So there’s no chance of…” Taehyung started and Joshua shook his head.

“He makes fun of her about her crush on the guy so I highly doubt it. She trusts him though or else they wouldn’t be dancing together the way they are.” he said, “I’m almost one hundred percent sure that they have this younger brother, older sister complex.”

“That’s good then.” Taehyung said as he saw you excuse yourself from your conversation and head towards the kitchen and Yoongi following a few seconds later.

“Hey you.” Yoongi said walking into the kitchen as you put your paper plate into the garbage can.

“Hey you.” you said back turning around as he did the same and the two of you leaned against the kitchen counter.

“Did I...tell you that you look really good dancing?” he asked semi flirting. He had no idea where this confidence was coming from but deep down, he also knew that it had to do with your interactions with a certain producer of Seventeen. He wasn’t completely sure about your relationship with the other but it looked like you guys were close enough to share water bottles so it had to be something.

“Nope.” you said with a small smile, “But that’s nice to know...what’s up?”

“I figured now would be a decent time to talk about our date.” he said, “I was thinking maybe the day after our goodbye stage.”

“Are you sure you want to talk about this with twenty other people in the other room?” you asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I saw you put a garbage bag outside...and if the “Matchmaking Crew” is smart, they’d know to not let anyone come in.” he explained with a shrug, “So back to our date...I was thinking of having a full day planned. Would that work for you?”

“It should…” you said thinking, “The guys aren’t going to be on many music shows this come around since Seventeen’s comeback will be coinciding and I know we have that day free…”

“Great, so then it’s a date.” he said leaning down to kiss your cheek all of a sudden causing you to blush a deep red. He then casually walked out of the kitchen whistling as you stared at his back in shock.

“Min Yoongi!” you almost yelled, thankfully the voices in the other room covered it up.

#bts #kpop #bts imagine #kpop imagine #yoongi #min yoongi #suga #suga imagine #suga fiction #yoongi fiction #kpop fiction #bts fiction

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aasexualcakeuniverse · 6 years ago

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WHAT HAPPENED TO AASEXUALCAKEUNIVERSE??? Please read!!!

Hello those of you still paying attention to this blog! I’m pretty sure I actually have more followers here than ever, so I’m sure at least some of you will see this and take interest.

Since starting college about two years ago, I’ve gone on many hiatuses, all followed by lengthy explanations with apologies and promises to do better. I’m not going to feed you that crap again, to put it bluntly.

Here’s what I am going to say.

My name is Nat. I’m a nineteen year old heteroromantic asexual girl from Long Island. I’ve identified as asexual since I was roughly fourteen or fifteen years old. I started this blog shortly after with a friend of mine who had first introduced me to the term a few years prior (yeah it took me a little while to realize it applied to me too). That friend soon stopped doing things on this blog and we basically fell out of touch (we have always lived in different states so it was easy to lose contact) and I pretty much just took over this blog without officially discussing it (I’ve since learned that friend was okay with that).

I didn’t expect this blog to get as big as it did. Don’t get me wrong, I was ambitious and certainly hoped it would get big, but I didn't necessarily expect it to. It also hadn’t occurred to me that the bigger the following, the more stressful it would be.

I constantly received messages from people wondering if they were asexual, or simply looking for their identity to be validated. I was thrilled that people were coming to me for this, and I’d sit in class on my phone, doing research to answer the questions to the best of my ability. It felt so great to help others.

I eventually realized the amount of weight my words carried here, and not always in the best way. If I said something *slightly* wrong, people were quick to attack me. It didn't matter if I was quick to apologize and eager to learn. Let’s face it: Tumblr is toxic and there is no escaping that toxicity. So I would do my best to appease everyone, whether it was by making people laugh or offering some advice, but it became difficult.

The negative comments would become overwhelming at times, and I’d be afraid to log on here and see what vile things were being spat at me for what were usually bogus reasons. I’d try to shrug it off, but that’s easier said than done.

Then came college. I was in a new place with new people and a chance to reinvent myself. I decided to limit the number of people who knew about my asexuality rather than just be completely open about it. I tried to have a life outside of my sexual identity because I was frankly tired of having to think about my asexuality every single day of my life. It was exhausting and I wanted a semblance of “normality”, if that makes any sense.

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel the need to come onto this blog anymore. As much as it was a tool for other people to find comfort and support, it was also a tool for me to express myself and connect myself with the community. I did so much of what I did for you guys, but it was also for myself.

Responding to messages became less gratifying for me. Selfish, I know. But I’d spent years here doing that and it became more like stressful work than happily giving back to the community. Also, as someone as young and experienced as I am, I don’t have all the answers and I stopped feeling like someone that people should turn to for these things. Sure, I’d done a pretty good job helping people in the past, but I stopped feeling like I was in a position to lend that help.

All of that leads me to this: I do not expect myself to continue with this blog. I’m sorry if you’ve sent me messages that I never answered. I’m sorry if you had been hoping I would make a comeback here. I’m sorry for my selfish reasons that brought me to this point. I’m truly very sorry.

I really hope you guys can understand my reasons, though. I also hope that I was able to put a smile on your face at some point, or offer you advice/support when you needed it. I love helping people, and I always will. Which leads me to something else: I’m not completely going off the grid.

If you still want to be in contact with me, or if you ever need advice/support/someone to talk to, or if you simply want to see what’s going on in my life, you can follow my personal blog and message me there: @nat-the-ferret

If people actually do that, I’ll start posting there more regularly and offer more frequent glimpses into my life (even if it’s just the occasional selfie, haha). I don’t want to lose my connection with you all, and I hope you don’t want to lose your connection to me. These past several years have meant a lot to me, and I hope the feeling is mutual with a handful of you (or more, I just don’t know at this point).

I love you all. Take care, my lovely aces, and once again you can maintain contact with me by following @nat-the-ferret (probably going to change that URL if people start following me...).

With love, this is AAsexualCakeUniverse, signing off.

-Nat

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cloudbeom · 6 years ago

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Reactions to you getting a call about your parent/s death

warnings: parent/s death

Genre: Angst; fluff

Summary : A call can ruin a good day

A/n: I was supposed to post this yesterday but my stupid ass forgot a member smh I hate myself. I want to try to post regularly but all writers know that’s just say, but I really wanna try my hardest this time! Anyways, feel free to request and enjoy!

Kim Seokjin

"Jagi, your phone is buzzing" Jin said, not turning around from his work when he heard your phone vibrate next to him, and you took it, lightly kissing his forehead as you tried to balance the phone on your shoulder as you wiped a plate.

"Hey (sister name)" You said cheerfully, expecting her to call for details on the movie night you had talked about before, but suddenly, her next words proved it was not what you expected

"(Y/n), Mom.. s-she's.. she's gone.." (Sister name) sobbed through the speaker, and suddenly, you felt numb, the plate slipping out of your hands, as you fell to your knees, the phone falling from your shoulder.

As soon as he heard the plate shatter, Jin stood from his seat and turned to look at you, only to see you ready to collapse any soon, and he ran to you, grabbing the small of your waist so you could support yourself on the counter, so the glass won't hurt you

"Jagi?" Jin whispered when your breathing evened a little, his hands rubbing small circles on your back "What happened?" "Mom.." You chocked on a sob, and suddenly, Jin pulled you into his chest, just in time for you to break down. "She's gone Jin.."

Jin stayed silent and let you cry, calmly stroking your hair and kissing your forehead. Knowing words can’t take away the pain

Min Yoongi

Yoongi had been in his studio working on some new songs for their comeback, when he suddenly heard his phone vibrate.

Usually he'd put it on silent, but guessed he forgot as he picked up the mere distraction to decline the call, but when he saw your name, he considered to answer it, just because he knew you never called if it wasn't an emergency.

In the end, he did accept the call, and the first thing he heard was the sound of your breath hitching.

"Yoongi.."

"(Y/n)?" Yoongi asked, immediately jumping to his feet in alarm "What happened baby? Are you okay?" "Mom and dad… The-they got into an accident.. I-I'm on the way to the hospital with (sister's name) right now"

Yoongi took a deep breath, knowing your in a lot of pain right now, your sister probably forced you to call him and if it weren’t for her, you would have been in the house bawling your eyes out right now, so the first thing he did was storm out of his studio, then the apartment.

"Wait for me, (Y/n)"

Jung Hoseok

"That was amazing Hobi" You clapped and then stood to kiss him as he panted, smiling at your support. "You did amazing! Just like always" You said, handing him a bottle of water, just then did your phone rang.

"Oh?" You looked at the caller, and saw it was your brother "Gimme a sec, I need to take this." You said before kissing him once more on the cheek, and he smiled in response as you walked outside to answer the call, gulping down his drink while walking to Jeongguk to compliment his precision, and it ended up with a circle of compliments between him, Jeongguk and Jimin.

They laughed it off and was about to turn the music back on to practice one more time, when suddenly Jin went inside the room only to peek a little, and looked at Hoseok

"Why is (Y/n) crying in the hallway?" He asked, the tone in his voice filled with concern.

Alarm bells went off and Hoseok ran out, hoping you weren’t far away.

When he saw you in the halls, your forehead pressed against the wall and tears silently flowing out of your eyes, he swore your heart broke.

"Oh (Y/n)" he said, coming up to hug you tightly, his arms going around your fragile body and pulling you against him, letting you cry into his chest. "What happened?"

"Dad, he-he was involved in an accident.." You sobbed, and Hoseok could only kiss your forehead, not knowing how to make you feel better, but knowing he should be there for you.

Kim Namjoon

"Namjoonnn~" You sang as you spun in one of his chairs as he worked in his studio, he chuckled but did not turn around, used to your weird and random personality. He tapped his chin with his pen, trying to come up with some lyrics to his new song he wanted to make, and as he was doing so, he heard a knock on his door.

"Hyung? Can you help me for a second?" Jimin had came in to ask the leader, and without hesitation, Namjoon stood up, taking his headphones off

"Sure, I'll be right back" He said, passing you and kissing your forehead softly before going out.

You just stayed on the chair, spinning until you got dizzy. You stood up, wanting to see what your boyfriend had written for his rap, and suddenly your phone rang.

"Hello~?" You sang into the receiver, knowing it was your older brother and thinking it was a hangout call or something.

"(Y/n), you need to come to the hospital" he said, his tone more serious than yours, and your face dropped immediately.

"What- why?" You asked, biting your nail, a habit you did when you got nervous "(brother's name), what's wrong?"

"It- it's mom" he said, a brief static pause, "The surgery was a fail"

And just at that moment, Namjoon went in.

"Baby?" He asked when he saw your horrified expression, "What's wrong?"

You dropped your phone and your lips quivered, tears filling your eyes. Namjoon- who had no idea what happened, rushed towards you and wrapped his arms around your fragile form, brushing your hair back and kissing your forehead

"What happened?" He asked in a soft whisper, holding your sobbing form close to him

"M-Mom.." you sobbed, and that was all it took for him to understand, rocking you silently, and letting you cry for as long as you want.

"Cry as much as you want, I'm here for you"

Park Jimin

"But the popcorn!" you pouted when Jimin buried you in the blanket mountain

"We're watching the news, Jagiya~" Jimin laughed, because you both we're watching the award show Jimin and his members attended and you wanted to enjoy it, so you insisted on heating the popcorn just because you were hungry, and Jimin just laughed it off and let you do your thing.

"We're sorry to interrupt your program for this emergency news" The news reporter said, and you turned to the TV from the microwave to see what was happening. "This morning, a car collided with a truck and resulted in a fatal accident, the scene had been too violent to find out who the victims were"

You sighed and shook your head, turning the microwave on, feeling bad for whoever it was. But then the news didn't end there

"But according to the license plate, the victims appear to be (Your mother's name) and-"

Your eyes widened and went numb.

"Jagi!" Jimin panicked, running to you and hugged your body as it went limp. "Jagiya.."

You wanted to say something, but all you did was trash around in his arms, screaming and crying, and Jimin, with a broken heart, tried to calm you down, and once you did, he let you cry in his arms.

If he could take the pain, he would. But now all he can do, was hold you as you sobbed

Kim Taehyung

Of course it had to happen during their concert,

And as if fate hated you, it had to happen during Taehyung's solo.

You wanted to ignore the call, but seeing the caller was your sister, you had to pick it up. And boy, were you a mess.

"Namjoon, I have to go," you told the leader, who was concerned at first, asking why you had to go

"Why? Is something wrong?" he asked, and you bit your lip, a small sob escaping your lips

"I have to go," You said through tears, and Namjoon, taken aback, nodded and told you that he would tell Taehyung after.

As the cheers came as Taehyung was lowered down, he had expected you to come and smother him with kisses and compliments and hugs, but when he saw Namjoon behind his stylist with a sad look, he knew something happened.

"Hyung, where's (Y/n)?" Taehyung asked, panting.

"She went somewhere, she was crying, do you know what happened?" He asked, a hand on the panting Taehyung

"Oh shit"

Taehyung ran, hoping to catch after you. Just last week your mother had been admitted to hospital because of a heart failure, the doctors had told you a miracle would save her, and after the first three days, you and your sister had thought the miracle had came, but the reason you were crying and ran out during his solo performance, there was no other explanation.

Luckily, you weren’t able to catch a taxi because you had fell into a ball of sadness, sobbing like you never had before, and it was the first time Taehyung had saw you so sad.

He slowed down his running and crouched down next to your sobbing form, letting his fingers brush your hair

"(Y/n)?"

"She didn't make it, Tae" You sobbed, and Tae pulled you into his embrace, whispering how much he loves you.

Because he knew what it felt, how to lose someone you loved so much. And he was there for you.

Jeon Jeongguk

"Jungkoook, pleaseee come cuddle!" You whined at his bed, watching him play overwatch on the perfect rainy cuddle weather day.

"Just one more round," He chuckled

"You said that one round ago, and an HOUR ago" you pouted, rolling on your back as you whipped out your phone, knowing you'll fall asleep before you get his cuddles.

You suddenly got a call from your brother, and you picked up, thinking he wanted to invite you somewhere.

"Hello?"

"(Y/n)?"

Jungkook had lost again, and he decided to rage quit. Finally deciding to cuddle with you.

He turned his chair to face you and what he saw broke his heart.

You were looking at him with tears in your eyes, your phone was on your ear and you were biting your bottom lip, trembling. Jungkook's eyes widened, wondering what was it you had been calling about.

Once your brother hung up, that was when your dam broke, and you started to break down, covering your face with the sleeves of Jungkook's hoodie you were wearing, and he reacted immediately, running over to crouch at the edge of the bed, trying to pull your hands from your face.

"(Y/n) look at me," Jungkook instructed, and you did. His thumb brushed at your tear streaked face, and every sob leaving your mouth broke his heart more and more.

"She's gone" You said, then started to cover your face and cry again.

Jungkook needed no more further explanation as he pulled you into his arms, brushing your hair back softly and letting you cry into his shoulder for as long as it took the pain to heal.

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gaiyofanfiction · 7 years ago

Text

9 for 9

Hyunjin x Reader

Fluff/Slight Drama

A/N: HEY GUYS! So I just recently fell HARD for Stray Kids, Hyunjin being my bias (and I legit have 8 bias wreckers cause they all are amazing). So I wanted to start doing Stray Kids fics! This is my first one and with it I wanted to address what happened with Hyunjin back in April. I know it was awhile ago but since I’ve become a recent Stay, I am writing about it now. I hope you like it and I’m introducing that STRAY KIDS WILL BE A PERMANENT OPTION FOR REQUESTS. Yay ^^ Thank you and enjoy! <3 ~Yosei

“Chan-hyung, Hyunjin-hyung won't open the door to the room.” Felix tugs on Chan's sleeve.

Chan raises a brow, confused by this statement. He makes his way to the shared bedroom, Felix following behind. Once he reaches the door, he turns the knob but it stops. Concerned, he knocks lighty.

“Hyunjin-ah, are you okay? Why is the door locked?” He waits for a response but receives silence back.

He glanced as Felix who just shrugs, worry flashing across his features. Chan turns back to the door and knocks again.

“Hyunjin-ah, why won't you open the door?” Once again, no response. Listening closer, he could hear...sniffling?

“Hey, what's going on?”

Chan and Felix turn to see Seungmin coming out of the bathroom.

“Hyunjin-hyung won't come out of the bedroom, he locked the door.”

Seungmin raises a brow. “You guys didn't hear what happened?”

Felix and Chan look at each other in confusion and shake their heads.

Seungmin sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Someone from school decided to go and make a post about Hyunjin-hyung. They claimed he was starting fights, that he was hitting and fighting girls. They said he was a bully. Now some people claiming to be fans are wanting him to leave the group.”

Chan's expression changes from concern, to horror and then into anger. “They did WHAT?!”

Felix’s face pales, sadness taking over. He knocks on the door to the shared room. “Hyunjin-hyung, please open the door! We just want to talk to you.”

This time, they heard a faint voice.

“Go away. I don't want to talk right now.”

Felix looks to Chan and Seungmin, a defeated look on his face. Chan sighs and knocks once again.

“If you don't open this door, we're calling your girlfriend.”

No answer. Chan rolls his eyes and motions to Seungmin. “Can you find a phone and call Y/N? If anyone can get him out, it's her.”

Seungmin nods, “I think Minho has his right now.” He walks off to find Minho.

Chan looks to a depressed looking Felix and places his hand on his shoulder. “Don't worry, mate. We'll get him out. You know Y/N would do anything for him and for us.”

“Hmm what would Hyunjinnie like?” You mumble to yourself, staring at the wall of drinks.

I’M ON A HELLEVATOR~~~

You jump, your phone ringing startling you. You see a picture of Minho’s face on the screen. Smiling, you pick up.

“Yo, Minho-oppa, what's up?”

“Hey, Y/N. Are you busy? We wanted to know if you could come over, please. Asap.”

The desperation in his voice snaps your attention away from the task at hand. “Minho is something wrong? Is it Hyunjin?”

“Hyunjin-ah locked himself in his room and he won't come out. We were hoping he'd open the door for you. Felix is having a panic attack.”

Your heart stops for a moment. “Yeah I'm right down the street at the store. I'm on my way now.”

“Thank you Y/N! We'll see you soon.”

You hear the phone click on the other side. You quickly gather your thoughts before grabbing a can of coke, paying and running out of the store.

You make it to the dorms within 5 minutes. You nodded to the lady at the front desk of the building, who waved back. You regularly came to visit your boyfriend and the boys, so the staff knew who you were.

You made it up to the floor of their dorms and knock on the door. You try to control your anxiety waiting for the door to open. Within a minute the door flies open to reveal a flustered Chan.

He sighs with relief when he sees you. “Oh thank God. Please come in.”

You bow your head and make your way inside the dorm, removing your shoes. You see Seungmin and Minho sitting in the living room, both waving high, also relieved to see you.

“Where's Changbin-oppa, Woojin-oppa, Jisunie and Jeonginnie?

“Changbin-ah and Jisung-ah are working on a song and Woojin-hyung and Jeongin-ah are practicing their parts for a new song.” Minho responds.

You then hear footsteps padding around the corner and suddenly feel a taller body fly into you, knocking the wind out of you for a moment. You wrap your arms around a very upset dancer.

“Please get him to open the door, Noona. I'm worried.”

You pat Felix on the head and wiggle yourself away. “Don't worry, hun. I'll go talk to him. Does anyone know what this is about?”

The 4 boys give each other knowing looks. Seungmin shakes his head. “I think it would be better if he told you.”

You quirked a brow but nod your head. You approach the door of the bedroom and knock. You hear a don't but stern voice from the other side.

“I said I don't want to talk, Hyung!”

“Hyunjinnie, it's me. Please open the door.”

You hear shuffling around before the lock turning. The door opens and you get pulled inside before it shuts and locks again. You turn to face your boyfriend and let or a slight gasp. He looked miserable. His eyes were puffy and red, his hair was sweaty and stuck to his forehead and he looked like he hasn't slept for days.

“Hyunjin! Oh my God, what happened?!” you reach up to brush his hair out of his face.

He lets you fiddle with his before he pulls away and goes to sit on his bed. “It's nothing to worry about.”

You shoot the boy a glare. “What do you mean it's nothing to worry about? I get a frantic call from Minho saying that you won't unlock your door and when I get here, you look like you're on death's door!” You follow him to the bed, sitting down next to him. “Now tell me, jagi. What's wrong?”

Hyungjin sighs and hands you his phone. On the screen you see an article with his name in the title. Curious, you take the phone and read through the article. With every word you read, the look of horror and anger became more apparent. By the end of the article, you had tears in your eyes.

“Oh my god, Hyunjin.” You didn’t know what to say right now. You were speechless.

Hyunjin looks down, fiddling with his fingers. “Yeah, I found it this morning.”

You grip the phone so hard, your knuckles turn white. “Who the hell could have done something so cruel?!”

He shrugs. “You don’t believe it, right?” He looks up at you, his eyes filled with fear.

Your mouth drops open, “What? Why the hell would you think I’d believe it?”

“Well, everyone else does. Fans are wanting me to leave the group.”

You can hear the defeat in his voice. It broke your heart knowing this is how he’s feeling. You put his phone face down on the bed and took both of his hands in yours. You rub your thumbs over the back of his hands, trying to sooth his worries.

“Why would I ever think it’s true?! For one, I go to school with you and I’ve NEVER seen you even kill a fly, let alone hit a girl. Two, I KNOW you, Hyunjinnie. I’ve known you for quite a long time. You are not that type of guy and never will be that type of guy. You’re the sweetest, most caring, funny and smart guy I know. You don’t deserve ANY of this.” You reach up to wipe away the tears that are streaming down his cheeks. He leans into your hand and closes his eyes, your touch calming his anxiety.

“And don’t you DARE think about leaving this group, Jagi. You have the right to be in this group as much as the other 8 members. You worked so hard to get where you are today. Your debut was a HUGE success and that was because of ALL OF YOU. ALL of you played a part in becoming who the group is today. How do you think your members would feel if you left? Man, Felix was just having an anxiety attack because you wouldn’t open the door. Imagine if you left! Your fans would be devastated!”

Hyunjin places his hand on yours and opens his eyes. “But the fans said-”

“Man, screw what those fans said! They aren’t true fans anyway! You deserve to be here, you deserve to continue to shine with your boys, and you deserve to have an amazing comeback that will knock our socks off!”

You lean your head forward, pressing your forehead against his. You close your eyes and lower your voice. “Stray Kids is a family, Hyunjin. It’ll always be 9 for 9. They are not going to leave you behind. I’m not going to leave you behind.”

Hyunjin wraps his arms around you and pulls you close, sobbing into your shoulder. You do the same, just sitting in silence for a moment to let him cry out his worries. After about 5 minutes of just hugging, he pulls away. He lightly kisses you on the lips and smiles that awkward, cute smile of his. You reach into your bag to pull out a can of coke, which he happily took.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jagi. You really are my rock.”

You giggle and kiss him back. “As you are mine. Now, since the boys are super worried, I’m going to open the door. Will you be okay?”

The boy nods and smiles. You smile back and go to unlock the bedroom door. As soon as you open it, you see an Australian blur of a boy run past you and tackle Hyunjin onto the bed. Hyunjin laughs and hugs Felix back.

Chan, Minho and Seungmin laugh at the sight. Chan turns to you and gives you a thankful smile. “You’re such a god sent, Y/N. We’re so thankful Hyunjin-ah has someone like you to take care of him. I don’t think Stray Kids could survive without you.”

You giggle and wink at the leader. “Nah, you guys have always been amazing. But I’ll always be here for you all whenever you need it.” You turn your attention back to your boyfriend who was patting Felix on the head.

“Oh, hey, Y/N. Off topic but I’ve been meaning to ask you. Who’s your Stray Kids Bias?” Minho smirks, trying to get Hyunjin to act like himself again.

Hyunjin’s ears perk up and glares at the older boy. “What kind of question even is that? Of course I’m her bias. I’m her boyfriend!”

Seeing where Minho was going with this, you put your hand to your chin, pretending to think about it. “Hmm I don’t know. I mean, Jisungie’s kinda cute but Woojin-oppa’s voice is like heaven. Oh and don’t forget you guys have the cutest Maknae ever, so maybe Jeonginnie?”

Hyunjin stands up. “Yahh! What about me?! I’m the one you’re dating!” He starts moving towards you.

You giggle and run out of the room, being chased by a half angry, half laughing Hyunjin. The boys laugh as they watch you guys run around the dorm. Eventually Hyunjin catches you and wraps his arms around your waist and starts tickling you.

“Come on, Jagiya. Just admit I’m your bias!”

You were half laughing and half crying. As much as you hated being tickled, you were happy to see Hyunjin being himself again. “Okay okay! Of course you’re my Bias! You’re my Ultimate Bias, Hyunjinnie!”

The front door opens to reveal four more boys who had just come home from work. They stop in the middle of the doorway, watching the chaotic scene unfold before them. Jisung leans over to Changbin.

“Uhhh, what did we just walk into?”

Changbin shrugs. “I’m not sure if we really wanna know.”

Woojin shakes his head and chuckles. “It’s always wild when Y/N is here.”

Jeongin lights up when he sees you are here and runs to you. “Yay! Noona’s here!” He runs to give you a hug but you get pulled away by Hyunjin, who sticks his tongue out at Jeongin, not wanting to share.

Jeongin pouts, pulling on your arm. “Hey! You gotta share Y/N!”

You and the rest of Stray Kids laugh as you become the center of a tug of war. Woojin smiles. “Yup, it’s always wild when she’s here.”

[Masterlist]

#Stray kids #stray kids reactions #stray kids fanfiction #stray kids fluff #stray kids scenarios #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin fluff #hyunjin angst #stray kids angst #kpop reactions #kpop scenarios #kpop fanfiction #kpop angst #gaiyo fanfiction

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milatherese · 5 years ago

Text

Being sad is part of life.

(the following is just me talking to my future self who is reading stuff I wrote to get it all out of my head so I don’t cry mid-exams... aka it is insanely long, unimportant, and depressing)

On November 29th, I got a notification that read “Father Adrian San Juan’s Birthday tomorrow.” I had already been counting down the days until his birthday and didn’t need the notification to remind me. But when it did remind me, it hurt.

The following day I shared a post on Facebook:

Yesterday, Father Adrian San Juan turned 44 in Heaven. I’ve faced grief before (4 times this year, c'est la vie) but...

Posted by

Mila Reyes

Tuesday, December 1, 2020

but I didn’t share the full story because it was already long (and no one cares lol).

This isn’t the full story but the truth is,

goshdangit,

I miss him.

I miss his loud laugh. I miss his smile. I miss his savage comebacks. I miss his nerdy music moments. I miss his criticism. I miss his tidbits of wisdom. I miss his random rants. I miss his leadership. I miss his guidance. I miss his witty sense of humour.

I know I’m not the only one, but it certainly feels like it. I feel alone in this.

I still remember the day he died.

I had a rough start to the day and had skipped breakfast (because I had planned on just eating a big lunch) and lunch (because I was too hurt to eat [for reasons I won’t mention]). I was still crying in my room when a friend called to ask about some logistics for a relative’s memorial Mass I was coordinating. Around that time, my mom informed me she received a call from an unknown number in Norwalk. Because I was in a sour mood, I didn’t look up the number and simply dismissed it as a telemarketer. A few minutes later, I received the news that Father Adrian was hospitalized and was in critical condition. When I learned that the cause for his hospitalization was his collapse right before Mass, I knew he had died at the scene. (collapse + delay in CPR + critical condition [usually] = death) It was not officially confirmed that he had died until 1-2 hours later when I received another phone call. I was still in my room but was now on a video call with a friend (discussing the music for the Mass). My friend got the call first so I was already mentally prepared for what was to come. I got called right after and that’s when we (my friend and I) decided to hang up and just spread the news.

I called Ken Weber. Father Adrian had invited me to attend his parish’s 50th Anniversary concert and I did. Little did I know that he had plans for me to study under Weber’s tutelage. We had dinner with Ken Weber and Father Adrian after the concert and after Father Adrian shared that I love church music (and hinted that I may be interested in learning how to play the organ), Ken offered to give me my first organ lesson the following day. We continued lessons over Skype when Ken returned to Hawaii and Father Adrian had me provide music (on the organ) for Sunday Masses.

Me: Hi Mr. Weber, I just thought you might wanna know this... Father Adrian passed away not too long ago. Ken: What was that, Mila? Me: Father Adrian died Ken: Oh no, not Father Adrian?! Me: Yes Ken: Oh no, oh no, no I was just there with him at his parish! Oh God no...

I told him what happened and after he learned I had not even told my parents, he had me hang up and share the news. I didn’t.

I called Alexandra Ramos. Or at least I tried. I met her at the same concert. She was the featured soprano. Beautiful voice. I had seen her perform in the musical where I first saw Father Adrian and I was in awe. After we met, we worked together on concerts featuring Father Adrian’s music from the musicals. When that was over, she left the country to discern with an order and we lost contact. When she returned, we discovered we had a lot in common (that we had never talked about) and decided to keep in touch. Unfortunately, her return from that order left her without a personal number and we lost touch again. I left a voice message at the answering machine instead.

I decided it was time to break the news to my family. I opened my door and walked out.

“Guys, Father Adrian died.”

There was no sugarcoating it. It was the truth. I went to each of them. My dad was in his “office”, my mom was in her “office”, and my brother was in the garage. We were all surprised and I was beginning to lose it. After they asked “San Juan? Father Adrian San Juan?” I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I burst into tears. My parents went to me and my dad pulled me into a hug - something he has never done before. After a few seconds, I pulled away and said I needed to be alone. I ran to my room and stayed there for as long as I could.

When I was finally alone, I realized that phone call from that unknown number in Norwalk was from the parish school. Father Adrian’s staff was trying to reach my mother, who Father Adrian had asked to put on his emergency contact list. I had forgotten he did that. And that’s when the guilt set in.

I never got to thank him in words for everything, especially his most recent gift when I last saw him. I told myself “I’ll wait until after this semester to properly thank him.” I didn’t know that would be too late.

My family regularly prays at 6pm but this day I could not even utter a single word of prayer. I was in so much emotional pain that I barely made it to our prayer room without nearly falling. I had cried myself into a headache (yes, it’s a thing) and vertigo. All I could think about was Father Adrian. I couldn’t believe it. Apparently I looked so bad (I did not feel well) that my mom considered taking me to the hospital.

The days that followed weren’t any easier. I thought I would be okay after the funeral (which happened a month later) but I was not. I thought I would be okay after my birthday but I was not. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I celebrated his birthday with his sisters I would be okay. I was not. I still am not okay. I poorly estimated the time I would need to grieve. (I based my estimation on my grieving period when Father Suarez had died which lasted ~90 days.)

I have a monthly calendar in my room. I am usually excited to flip the page when the month is over but I still haven’t flipped the calendar to December. It was hard enough flipping to my birth month, and then to his, but to flip to a month of the year where we made some of the most (and best) memories is a big step. I’m already two weeks in and I still haven’t flipped the page.

I have not figured out how to grieve. I typically turn to music but this year music has failed me. When Father Suarez died I listened to praise and worship until I couldn’t – this song played and I lost it while walking to work.

With Father Adrian, I can’t just listen to music. Nor can I just play an instrument or sing and grieve that way because for much of my life, Father Adrian = music. We listened to the same songs, which was pretty much everything. He used all my musical talents in some way (yes, singing, too). I tried music, but it was much too painful to have anything to do with music.

I even stopped singing at Mass. At first it was because I was always crying at Mass because I could see him celebrate the Mass I was attending. But later it was also because whenever I would sing I would hear his voice sing, too, in my head.

I haven’t exactly figured out how to grieve yet. And it also doesn’t help that I keep on pushing people away. I didn’t notice it at first but now that people keep reaching out to me it has become clear that my first instinct when faced with strong emotions is to distance myself.

A friend sent me this:

I knew all of this already; he didn’t need to tell me. But I think I needed to hear it from someone else for my heart to understand it.

There are no time constraints for grief and I shouldn’t put any on it either. It’s all in God’s time with God’s grace. Jesus knows how I feel. And I am not alone.

I have to remind myself it is normal to feel this even though it is something new to me. I am trying to accept that it is a normal feeling.

Today would have been the first day of Simbang Gabi at the Cathedral. I would have been playing violin and he would have been conducting the choir of priests for the fourth time. But, it’s 2020 and that didn’t happen. Instead I “attended” Simbang Gabi on YouTube. And they decided to share two old recordings of what I had hoped would happen.

I have to remind myself that he is easier to talk to now that he is not limited by time and space and that he now knows my heart better than I can express.

I feel ungrateful. I found it difficult to be thankful this thanksgiving after all that has happened this year even though there is physical evidence God has been taking care of me despite everything going on.

I feel angry. I feel like someone unjustly took away something that belonged to me even though I only own my decisions. I wish I had been the one to go Home first.

I feel sad. I can’t talk to him like I used to and he’s no longer just a text away. He always said “See you in the Eucharist!” and I need to remember that.

I feel weak. I often think that the sooner I do the will of God, the sooner I get to be with Him and can leave this world. I know it’s wrong to think this but I can’t help it. His death makes my journey to holiness more urgent. And I feel like I don’t try hard enough.

I guess I don’t really know how I feel right now. Maybe it’s normal to feel all these at once. I hope it is.

This was definitely a wake up call. Memento mori. (here is something I made on my birthday to try to cope)

There’s no such thing as “I’ll do it later” anymore. There’s no “after I do this thing then I’ll do it.” Whatever it is, it has to be now.

That’s what Father Adrian learned when he beat cancer (among many other near-death situations). It sucks that it took losing someone for me to actually learn this but at least I know now. If I am not actively doing God’s work, I might as well have not been born.

Alrighty, now that I’ve poured most of it out, I really need to get to studying.

#milamusings

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