#how did i be by myself for basically four months wtf

[gurokichi]

I feel like I should just give up on several friendships and distance myself

[whentherewerebicycles]

wow well it was very fun reading over almost ten months of journal entries about the baby. here are my takeaways:

it seems to help a lot in the early weeks if you can arrange to have a non-traumatic birth with an easy physical recovery lol. you should also ideally avoid having surgery that renders you unable to use your hands for two weeks when your baby is a week old if possible. i am so lucky that birth itself was easy but i do consider the hands to be a pregnancy/birth complication of sorts and hoo boy those first weeks were very difficult!!! but i had great support and was very well taken care of and that made it possible to weather everything and come out of it okay.

the first six weeks were the toughest sleepwise. by eight weeks he was doing longer stretches and he did his first full night's sleep (8 hours) at ten weeks. i'd also completely forgotten that the most challenging part of nighttime feedings was actually not waking up and going back to sleep but staying awake for the 30-40 min it took for him to finish a tiny bottle. i was VERY tired for the first two months. but also good to remember that it's doable and that the overarching trajectory moves reasonably steadily towards more sleep even if you have a lot of back and forth on the day to day/night to night level. i basically would not change anything about my approach to baby sleep except to just remind myself that patches of bad sleep FEEL like they'll last for the rest of your life but OBJECTIVELY are usually over within a week or so.

the single greatest gift you can give to a new parent is taking a night for them. my mom did it a bunch after birth and after my surgery when i couldn't lift anything (too many. she took too many nights and it was not healthy. but that's a different issue). but my sister also did three or four nights and M&A did a couple too scattered throughout the first six weeks and it's crazy how much getting one night of sleep improved my mood and helped me feel like i could Carry On with more nights of disrupted sleep.

i will NEVER pump again. the whole breastfeeding thing was wild... like it's just crazy how insanely stressed and emotional i felt about it and how hard i was working pumping for like an hour every four hours trying to boost my supply. like wtf!!!! the first six weeks of newborn life are going to be tough regardless but i can make it SO much easier on myself/my body by Just Saying No to pumping. owen is a formula baby and he is absolutely thriving.

babies just get better and better man... i have loved every phase but i now understand that the newborn phase is not really for me lol. the sleepy cuddles are sweet but they are just like, so obviously still gestating just outside of your body lol. beloved little potatoes. i remember having some guilt around two months because i was like ugh it's so boring to "play" with him does that mean i'm going to be a disengaged mom who doesn't enjoy spending time with my kid. and now that he's almost ten months i'm like oh no lol it is just a straight-up boring activity to dangle a toy over a newborn's head while they try to focus their eyes and keep falling asleep halfway through. this morning the baby and i played a game where he offered me his ring toy and i said THANK YOU SIR and then handed it back to him and said YOU'RE WELCOME SIR and then he handed it back to me and i said THANK YOU KINDLY SIR and then hid it behind my back and pretended it was lost, which made him crack up and start climbing all over me hooting like a little monkey trying to find his Treasured Object. he's just sooooo much more of a little person now. and i think it will feel quite different to do the newborn stage again knowing what's coming!!

it's kinda wild how consistent his personality has been. like he can do a lot more and i'd say he's quite a bit sillier with people he likes/knows than he was as a baby but his basic temperament seems to have just been there since like, week three lol. he's just a chill little dude. easygoing. VERY serious in new situations or with unfamiliar people or when encountering a previously uncatalogued texture. prone to grousing when he's displeased and can maintain that level of lowgrade kvetching for a long time but WILL ramp up to a howl if he feels that people aren't taking the mistreatment of precious little babies seriously enough. happy guy who loves mom, loves his mimi and grandpa, loves his aunts and uncles, loves hanging out by himself playing with his toys (ie studying them with intense focus as he gathers critical data for his next monograph), loves music, loves looking meditatively at trees, etc. a serious and gentle little soul with a great capacity for silliness with the people he loves.

apart from a few spikes of stress/guilt around specific things (breastfeeding, going back to work part-time when he was 6ish weeks old, feeling guilty about his flat spot, money stuff, worrying about whether it was bad parenting to post photos of him on instagram, introducing solids) i have done a pretty good job of sticking to my guns about not feeling parent guilt and instead choosing to trust that things will work out okay if the fundamentals (love and security) are there. and tbh that has been working out great for both of us so far. i have felt remarkably unstressed about parenting and remarkably sure that i am doing a good job being a loving parent to this amazing little person i brought into the world. and he is just thriving. living his best life every day. gosh it's just like!!! wow. i have a perfect kid and a beautiful life and i'm getting to parent alongside the friends i love most in the world with support from my wonderful family and my other friends. life is really good and i am really happy.

[theshepherdshound]

Since you sent me an ask, I'll send one back! <:) Particularly in reference to your fic, how do you organize things? Do you write whatever you think in the moment and refine later or do you plan things out thoroughly before approaching your chapter? You use a lot of different alignment settings and bold/italics to convey different emotions, memories, etc-- Do you write everything out like that as you type or add those details later? Your writing style has always really amazed and inspired me, it's super unique and has left a lasting impression on my own writing! I'd love to hear more about your process!!! :D Thank you in advance!!!!

PREPARE FOR LONG- first of all that's incredibly kind of you and means a lot to me; i am pretty self conscious about my work because basically everything i do starts as a very big feeling i am having and it is kind of hard to understand inside of the process what it comes across as

to keep a dash tidy- a break

I make pretty rough but silly bullet points to get an outline- this is part of chapter four's outline (when I started doing outlines, the first three chapters just kind of happened in a fugue state lololol)

part of it is that it being silly helps vomit it out, like some of it is WILD. I also don't name characters just give them all caps monikers and ctrl+f and replace them (so like fejul was just YELLOWCAT throughout and still sometimes is if i can't remember their name), because that way i don't get stalled on naming someone (it helps the game generates names)

especially since it started as just being a conversation between two very broken people it helped make it not so sad. a lot of it still makes me cry to read let alone write it out. it helped with my grief through

tbh i think part of the process that i go through is very much informed by thinking of the mechanical delivery of the game; thinking about the tension between dehumanization of the player and thus the lamb, the implications of Godhood as the weathering of humanity. i could talk about play theory forever lololol

the alignment is because i have pretty bad adhd and at the time i started writing i was FILLED with ghosts so thoughts were ind of hard to hold- ghosts are a sort of joke among friends of when you get the like i must create feeling, mine lasted about 6 weeks before i decided to post it (and made a tumble a couple of months later). my friends were very kind and put up with me rambling constantly until i did! i even rambled in board meetings and make myself a custom sweater from joking about it being in our minutes. the joke here being is as a nfp our board notes are legally required to be available upon request by like the government or members- so they'd be like wtf why are you talking about blorbos??

i think it (the ghosts) is mostly done, at least the manic portion of it. there's 30 chapters give or take that are mapped out in various states of done at least the lamb/narinder stuff is mostly done the side plots are kind of still developing hence why i think i am going to take some weeks off so i can figure them out

but it's written like that because it's kind of how i think? everything sort of happens simultaneously- so for narinder in particular in the beginning it's a lot of that where he's overwhelmed by everything. he's going from relative omniscience to a single perspective and that's hard. At this point he's a lot calmer but i think he could probably feel every follicle for a while there

it also helped that i realized narinder is essentially a character i already wrote for my thesis and a lot of it was a reflection of the feelings i had near a decade ago. nothing is canon in cotl, not really, there's just kinf of like little lore puddles; he's pretty far off interpretation for that reason. but the core idea, why does the lamb decide to save him, remains the same from the idea of the hermes i trapped in a box lololol

i didn't know how formatting in ao3 worked- so it's actually WAY more wild and i simplify it. there's also a bunch of stuff i have thought about that i think would be too much- using unicode is probably way too far but also it would be so fuuuun- LIKE if Super God didn't just speak in sub caps but like-

₦⏃☈↟⩀⨵⋶℟

i have always been frustrated having to like fully describe everything so it's a work around for that- a lot of scenes are just dialogue between characters that i add things into later so there's a bit more visual description going on. i hadn't thought of him for a long time, but Michael Ondaatje is a pretty big influence on that i think. i like his work a lot in my memory and the flipping between like very intimate description and vague interpretation i like a lot

this is the longest thing i have ever written; most of the other stuff i have done is short form or just dialogue in a scripting way- or comics. it's also way more long term planned? i have written lots of like 100-500 short stories, i did a project where i wrote 300 (only made it to about 120) short stories and my "i am going to work on a thing" right before these ghosts took me and ran with this was recording them as a binural audio and using conducive headphones to simulate hallucinations with a body horror alternative controller- i wanna finish it but am having fun working on this. i also started rewriting some of them as like little outdoor arts but i got stalled because i had no packing tape and was using scotch tape and it was taking a long time

realizing i am writing this long after adhd meds have long worn off so this is seriously ramble-y

for other things i usually just write and hope it makes enough sense. the last thing i made i wrote inside an ide while programming with yarn spinner- then decided to make my game recursive? it was a nightmare tbh, don't decide halfway through a project to entirely change the format. nor write in an ide while learning a new dialogue manager. this is advice seldom will need but YOU KNOW WHAT- IF YOU NEED IT IT'S IMPORTANT LOLOLOL

my playlist being 60+ hours at this point is also a big method of organization- the songs chosen are often either the emotional perspective or foreshadowing for the future of what will happen. it also helps editing? like what was the vibe was i going for- good old sufjan being so gay for god helps. drawing and making the little comics has helped a lot too- i think it makes it clearer in my mind who's doing what and what's happening. the lamb got a lot more personality from being drawn and a lot of scenes just came out of the fact that their tears are so juicy when i draw them

this project has now become a personal challenge on seeing it through but WOAH- it's been a long 4 months! it's kind of wild to me it is both been that long and i have done so much in 4 months and is a nice confidence boost

i just love monsters so much- have a super god doodle from a sketch series that has too many spoilers on it

THIS WAS LONG AND I DUNNO IF IT IS HELPFUL? OR MAYBE IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HELPFUL?? i love talking about process though- i could wax on it forever because i think it's the coolest part of the art making process

i appreciate being asked; i am very chuffed with how it is turning out as i had stopped making art for... 6 years? to the point i thought i never would again and kind of had accepted that. so having something to do and have folks be excited about seeing it honestly makes me so deeply emotional in a nice way

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello ! This is pukey Saeyoung anon.

I’m comin off anon bc honestly that shit is too much work. Pretty sure being sick this long has fried any last sense of inhibition or shame in my brain and I think everyone deserves to know how much I love Saeyoung smh. The extent to which that is my Mans. I will publicly gush if I so please. 😤😤

Plus! I’m pleased to report that I haven’t actually thrown up in about two weeks! So like. Hashtag recovery life I guess. 💀

But that’s what I came here to update you about. :’D

I feel like I kinda left you with a cliffhanger there with the whole bone cancer thing. (If it makes you feel any better, the hospital did too 👁👄👁)

November was very much,,, a terrible horrible no good very bad type of month. I spent nearly two weeks waiting for them to get back to me about my dumb bone marrow autopsy only for them to cancel my appointment last minute. And in the meantime I was just getting sicker and sicker… I ended up in and out of the hospital again a couple times,, but by the third time I was scared to go back bc the second time I went they didn’t even admit me overnight. They basically just charged me $700 to take a four hour nap. And cha boy doesn’t have that kinda money. 😭

But it got to the point that I really physically couldn’t take it anymore… I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my entire life. Which unfortunately with the life I’ve had,, that’s a high ass bar lmao.

And it was just CONSTANT… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t look at any screens. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stand. I was literally too weak to even pull a blanket up over myself. I literally was spending every night sobbing/shivering/barfing myself to sleep. It was baaaaaaad.

Luckily my roommate at this point had probably started to get annoyed by hearing me crying from pain all night and was like “dude I’m taking you to the hospital again”

And my third hospital visit !! They FINALLY gave me an answer as to wtf is going on!

Good news is…? Not bone cancer. I don’t have to enter my Deadpool era Quite yet.

Bad news…? Apparently I’ve got fuckin Lupus 🤡

Which is super cute and fun because,, you know. Incurable lifelong chronic illness. I’m literally gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. :)

But like. It’s a perfectly livable disease. As long as it’s, you know. Actually being taken care of and treated. Which I now have enough info to actually do haha.

(Hit the self-loathing so hard that even my own fuckin immune system was like, oh shit we gotta take this bitch DOWN 💀)

I’m soooo glad to be home and back from the hospital… but it’s been very strange too. I’m still really sick and I can’t really do much on my own and,,, my brain physically doesn’t know how to process being like,, taken care of. Honestly it kinda sets off alarm bells in my brain 😳 but I’ve had to accept pretty damn quickly that,, I don’t really have a choice rn. I’m so used to just being on my own pushing through all my pain and just. Waiting till it goes away on its own. But if I do that in this case… the pain will just get worse and my body will quite literally shut down on me and I will literally die. Sooooo like,,,, 🤡 I guess maybe I can stand to be taken care of for at least a little while.

Doc says with all the damage that’s been done to my organs and stuff this past year, they caught it early enough that the damage is reversible. But I need to undergo a really strict recovery treatment,, and they estimate it’ll be at least 18 months before I’m able to get back to my ~normal healthy baseline~. Which is insane… like am I really gonna be out here living like a sickly hermit for a damn year and a half?? I’m gonna keep feeling better, I know. And I’ll slowly be able to do more again. But I can’t go back to my job. It was causing me waaay too much physical and mental strain. :( so that’s gonna be fun to figure out.

They also put me on literally 12 new medications when I left the hospital to help control my symptoms. Each of which I have to take 1-3 times a day. So that’s super exciting. Love a big bowl of pills for breakfast every morning.

It was torture at first because I hate swallowing pills. But it’s been about a week and I’m honestly getting used to it already. And better yet? Even after only a week… they’re noticeably helping my symptoms… and I’m actually starting to be able to do things again… I *almost* feel like, 60% of a normal human person again,,, maybe even 65%! I’m slowly starting to regain my appetite finally… and I can do little things again… like play the new Pokémon game, or watch anime, or draw, or call a friend on the phone. Which… god what a relief 😭 words cannot describe how good it feels to be able to do those things again… frankly,, it was traumatic having to spend the last few months watching my body physically deteriorate in real time… so now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, if only a little. I’m like. Hey?? I actually love myself so much???? I think I’m a pretty cool fun interesting person. Thank GOD I’m making a comeback 😭😭

Saeyoung of course has been a great source of comfort for me throughout all of this… he always is one of my biggest sources of comfort in life… literally even just imagining him being in the same room as me is enough to put me more at ease…

When things were at their worst a big part of how I dealt with shit was vividly daydreaming about making up silly stories with Saeyoung to distract me. This is something I’ve done for years when I’m too upset or stressed to sleep,,, it’s been a reliable source of comfort for me for a hot minute. But it’s never gotten to this extent haha.

We have a whole ass story going,, I’m actually starting to get pretty attached to the story and the characters… which is stupid AF because it’s literally just. Me and Saeyoung Choi as fantasy self-inserts wherein he’s a court jester and I’m a knight and we’re going on a quest to ~find a cure for my mysterious illness~

But a part of me is like 🥺🤔 what if I actually wrote the story tho? Lmaoooo

Amongst other coping mechanisms and distractions,,, I’ve also been falling HARD into my online shopping addiction. But also, idk, can you blame me…? I’m a material gowrl at heart and I haven’t been able to go shopping in person for months 😔😔 I need little treats to get me through the day.

Mostly I’ve been spending an UNGODLY amount of money on plushies. Like… idk if I could count them and I don’t even wanna THINK about the prices fhdhdjd-

Mostly Pokémon and Sanrio characters. But a few other random critters as well.

And tbh?? I don’t regret a single purchase. They’ve literally all helped me feel more comfortable and joyful these past couple months, which I’ve really needed. So, even if my bed is starting to look RIDICULOUS from sheer volume of plushies…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m living my best life

A few days ago I got a giant charmander plushy… and like. Ordinarily I’m not even the biggest fan of charmander (shut UP ABOUT CHARIZARD GAMEFREAK. IM OVER IT. GEN 1 IS POPULAR WE GET IT)

But I swear to god this young man is changing my life. It may be the softest squishiest most huggable plush I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been carrying him almost everywhere,,, starting to feel like the “ahh yes. Me, my partner, and their life sized mareep plushy” meme for real 💀💀

((How do you think Saeyoung would feel about me turning our bed into a literal mountain of plushies? Or having to compete for attention with my charmander? Hehe. ))

THERES ONLY ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY…

If you’re actually taking the time to read all of this,,, holy shit thank you. And thank you for providing lonely bitches like me this outlet c���: to be able to talk… and share comfort… and express our deep love for these characters without fear of judgement. It’s really just such a lovely blog and I can never thank you enough.

But the last topic I wanted to touch on!!!

Ugh,,, I read your answer to the ask about Saeyoung with an MC into pastel goth fashion and…

That made me so happy 😭😭❤️❤️

I love fashion,,, so much. Truly one of my greatest joys in life is getting into a really cool fun outfit and strutting around Knowing that I’m cool as fuck and I look like a sexy badass 😤😤 it’s simply the most powerful feeling.

Love when I’m wearing an outfit I know looks fire and I can’t stop smirking haha.

And I just,,, love being flamboyant and silly and having fun with it. I’m 100% the type of person to walk into a store and go “this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. The colors and patterns are such a mess they’re practically nauseating. I NEED IT.”

I have a collection of tacky button up shirts that could probably blind a man lmao. And JACKETS?? Don’t get me started on jackets. Boots,,, cargo pants,,, earrings,,, big colorful sunglasses. Ugh. <3

Since I’ve been so sick I haven’t been putting much effort into my appearance. My outfits were so joyless for a while… and then, well. I’ve spent the last month and a half wearing exclusively Pajamas and Hospital Gowns 😭

Considering that my main fashion inspirations ordinarily fall somewhere between Elton John, Lil nas x, and Jojo’s bizarre adventure…

Quite the glow down haha

I don’t think I realized fully how much I missed that until I read your ask…

You inspired me to go looking for some fun new clothes online. And now I’m feeling so excited and impatient for them to get here because I can’t remember the last time I got to put together a fun outfit… I actually wanna like,, get up and get dressed for the first time in so long c’: if only to waltz around my apartment a little bit and take a few selfies.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to my FULL level of glamour,, my inflammation is still pretty bad so my face and body are kinda weird and swollen and lumpy right now 🥴 and again,,, standing and walking are still very much a challenge. Idk if I could wear heels right now haha I’m wobbly enough on my feet already.

But I can’t wait to get back into it…

Like you were saying in that ask too… another part of why I love fashion defs has to do with my gender expression… and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people bring that up with Saeyoung 😭 it always makes me grin and fills me with so much adoration to think about Sae getting to have fun and experience that euphoria with clothing and fashion as well… and especially the thought of us getting to do it together….? c’:

Literally a concept that is SO important and special to me 😭❤️❤️

Idk what kinda wonky matching outfits we’d be putting together but I know that we would look so fuckin cool and hot 😤😤 and best of all we could have so much fun. Which… tbh, there’s nothing more I could ask for in life.

Plus of course,,, there’s always the added fun of self indulgently getting to imagine Saeyoung admiring and complimenting me on my fashion :’D and like,,, thinking I’m cool or whatever 😭

Anyways! Those are all the things I wanted to say.

If you’re still reading this,, //what’s wrong with you bahaha I’m such a rambly mess

But like. Thank you. And deadass if this is too long to read or respond to feel free to leave it in your inbox or just delete it.

Honestly it was just really nice to be able to type out all these thoughts just to sorta. Get it out and decompress, ya know…? c’:

I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day.

While I am happy to hear that you have a better understanding of what's going on in your life, I'm sorry you're going through this transitional time when you discover that you have chronic illness. That has to be the most difficult time for a lot of people. You have to make a lot of adjustments and make changes that you may not be happy with to make sure that you're taken care of. I empathize and understand this because I deal with multiple chronic illnesses. If you ever need a safe space to vent about it, this is always a safe spot. Whether you want it to be posted or not, you can always scream into the inbox.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the new limitations and changes that are coming into your life. It'll be hard for a little while to get used to everything. But it'll be okay. I can't promise that it'll be easy in the long run. This journey is a lot different for everybody. I think what helps when you feel lonely and isolated in that regard, is to find comfort in the things that make you happy and if that is this video game, then I'm glad that you have it. It's been there for me through all of my experiences so I'm also grateful for it.

I know what it feels like to be lonely and afraid. Having my blog like this... it’s a place where I’m able to help everyone’s dream. It’s simple, it’s small, but I know even the smallest response of “Yes, your favorite character would do this for you today!” means the world to someone on their worst day. I hope that you’re able to find some spoons to dress up and feel good very soon. It’s hard to find a good day sometimes, but you’ll have soon, I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Imagine that, I mean, imagine Saeyoung gushing over you because you found the energy to get up and show off your new outfit. There’s dazzling sparkles in his eyes as he looks at you. His hands are pressed to his mouth, and he looks like he’s going to keel over in delight. He’s absolutely enamored and in love with the sight of you. “You’re so handsome! I can’t take it! I’m in the presence of the best lover! I think I’m the luckiest boyfriend in the world!” Cue him pretending to faint before you ask him if he’s getting dressed, too.

That’s when he springs back up: “Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect dress that’ll match this. I’ll even let you pick my hair style for the day!”

[arty-chase]

Graveyard Siblings (4)

I am sorry for not posting in a while. School is a total bitch. Here is part 4 of a fic that is not a fic.

[Masterlist]

(Part 1)(Part 2)(Part 3)

-------

Tall Marinette.(I admit I might be projecting a little here.)

One day, she took out something from someplace high and the whole family realized that ‘holy shit when did you get so tall?’

Bonus if Jason comes back from a long mission and had a wtf moment because she was wearing 6-inch-heels and met his eyes with them on.

“Pixie?!”

------

You know how Bruce has the identity of Matches Malone to infiltrate the Gotham Underground.

While Jason does the drug deals more street crime stuff, Maria uses an excuse of being the representative for Red Hood excuse to mingle with the rich people who does crime on the side (Penguin), she uses it to go to black market auctions and buy some of the lost miraculouses which got into the hands of black market dealers.

Jason knows about it and acts as her ‘bodyguard’ anytime he can or sends one of his henchmen to be one with a death threat if she gets a single scratch on her.

Bruce is unaware of this. Or is he?

------

Mari helps with running WE since she is a little less busy with the vigilante side of things.

It started with Tim panicking about deadlines and Mari offering to help, to Bruce and Tim bullying the board to have her as co-CEO.

She has to be that and head of Afterlife. So she is very busy. Doesn’t know about what comes next….

------

Somehow the class comes to Gotham for a trip. It has been 3 years since her death.

Mari has changed her appearance since the day she left Paris. She has highlights in her hair after a ‘sibling bonding day’ with Jason. Her hair is kept short for convenience and not in pigtails. Along with her tall height and more confident aura, she is almost unrecognizable.

She rides a motorcycle too.

The class waits in the lobby for the tour and in walks this badass woman with aviator sunglasses, leather jacket and designer clothes which was all MT brand, making a lot of people swoon.

She takes off her glasses and walks past the class. Checking stuff on her phone and sipping coffee in her other hand.

She seems familiar but they couldn’t figure out why. (All except Chloe, Alix and Felix who are snickering in the background.)

Lila sees her and comments on how she must be a criminal with the way she dresses. (Lila internally freaks out because were her eyes messing with her? Because she looked a little like Marinette. Also jealous of the new arrival for stealing all the attention.) Alya takes the bait and calls security to ‘arrest’ her.

They just laugh. The class doesn’t understand, speaking in confused French.

-------------

“I am Maria Todd-Wayne, also known as designer MT. CEO of Afterlife and co-CEO of the very company you are in. I am allowed in here. Don’t judge a book by its cover.” she said in perfect French.

“But Lila told us you can’t speak French.”

“Who?”

“Lila Rossi, your friend. She told us that you and MT were dating.”

“Me dating myself. Okay I love myself because self-love is a thing but that is a whole other level. MT are my initials. Anyone who has a brain could have figured that out or at the very least do a Google search. I am not sure where your friend got that notion.”

“Hey, Bean, come on. We have a long day ahead of us.” Tim reminded her.

“Goodbye but cease the rumours or you would be escorted off the premises.”

As they rode up the elevator, “Tim, why are they here?”

“They are the lucky winners of the Wayne Enterprise Young Prodigies Contest. Why, Maria?”

“Lucky, huh.” She muttered under her breath. She might as well tell him. They are the Bats and they will find out anyway. “They are from my old class, the one you know…”

“Oh. Want me to send them back? I can do that if they are making you uncomfortable.”

“Nah. Too much to deal with. And it is unfair to send them back over a petty grudge. Besides, I could have some fun.”

“Anything that Bruce and I should be worried about?”

“I swear no killing. Just because Jason came back from the dead, hell-bent on killing. Doesn’t mean I am too.”

“Cool, just don’t do any property damage or traumatize our employees.”

“I might need you to erase some footage later and tell Bruce about this.”

“Some brownies, my favourite coffee cake, the ‘special’ brew and you have yourself a deal.”

-----

So basically she just showed up around where the class was ‘by coincidence’.

Talk to a few people and take them out of earshot of the rest of the class.

End the conversation by saying a few things only they and her would know. Insides jokes and secrets. (I pick her old childhood friends like, Nino, Kim and maybe Sabrina)

Uses Trixx to turn into a walking dead version of her 15-year old self and disappears as they freak out about how she knew that secret/story.

Freaks them out further by appearing again in front of the whole class and pretending not to know their previous conversation.

Mari manages to get Lila alone.

I should also say that Lila thought that her curse was making her see MT as Marinette.

It terrifies Lila when she finds out that MT is actually Marinette, not dead but alive after all this time and apparently living the high life she wanted. This fact made the Italian swell up with jealousy.

“I hope you are not lying about me again, Lila Rossi. Like you always do.”

“What do you want with me? I swear I didn’t say anything else about you.”

“Aw, Lila. Don’t recognize me?”

Maria flickers and Ladybug is in her place and later, the Marinette that appeared in her bedroom and back to normal.

“You! How? Why are you here? Why can’t you leave me alone?”

“Why not? I mean you did take away nearly all my friends, my parents and made my life a living hell. If you think about it, I am just repaying you the same favor. How are the others? Treating you well?”

“What did you do to me, you bitch?”

“I just put a curse on you. The ghosts of your past will haunt you until you stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop Lying, Liar. They all feed and grow in power from your lies. I wonder what would happen in a few years if you kept this up.”

“You think you can get away with this. This is war and I have already beaten you once.”

“Oh Rossi. This isn’t a war. It’s a death sentence.” With that she disappears.

Lila tries to tell her class that MT is actually Marinette. She is met with crazy looks. Some of them look like they want to believe her but don't because they don’t want to look crazy too.

Oh. Adrien wasn’t on the trip because his mother didn’t want him to go to the crime capital of America although the crime rate has gone down a little due to Hellbat curing some of the city’s bad energy..

Right after Lila told the class about MT, Scarecrow came to steal some Wayne tech and the class got caught in the crossfire. So later, it was brushed off as Lila seeing things due to the fear toxins.

-----

Joker made the mistake of kidnapping her. Once was enough to never try that again.

(It involved the use of nearly all of the Miraculouses, old and new. He was thoroughly humiliated at the end of it and his picture by the time Hellbat was done with him was on the Batfam’s Christmas Card. Like I said she doesn’t kill but making them beg for death was okay.)

It coincided with Jason’s Birthday and the video of the incident was ‘the best birthday present ever.’ The uncensored version was watched at the next undead siblings bonding day. Damian included.

After hearing a few rumours about what happened, most criminals were glad for Hellbat’s rare appearances. (which happens once a month and during really busy time of the year)

There was a time where Penguin was carrying out one of their plans and when Hellbat showed up, all of their thugs surrendered instantly. (No Batman did not pout at the fact that this French girl was more imitating than him.)

Scarecrow used his newest batch of fear toxin on her during the first year after she died.

He was astounded to see her still standing and she later proceeded to beat the crap out of him while being under the toxin’s influences.

He has tried to stay out of her way since then.

She saw Scarecrow as Hawkmoth and said a lot of things in French which scared everyone because she said it with so much hate, anger and in a very menacing tone that everyone is like ‘I am not touching this.’

It took Red Hood and Nightwing to restrain her from further beating Scarecrow up.

He was one of the people who sympathised with the Joker after the Incident.

The next was Riddler being so arrogant in his plans and managed to get Hellbat and Spoiler into a death trap.

“You know I have a few regrets in life. And my final one is that I got captured and am now going to get killed by a walking fashion disaster.”

“Hey! I made this myself. I will have, you know.”

“You have a brilliant mind but no sense of fashion at all. When I get out of here, I am going to burn that thing with you in it, for your crimes against fashion.”

“What is wrong with it?”

Cue a lot of roasting of Riddler’s costume and Spoiler adding more fuel to the fire.

They manage to escape while Riddler is crying on the floor, having an existential crisis.

The thing was no one knows why Riddler was silent the entire week after encountering Hellbat and crying when anyone mentions it.

They now think Hellbat is the scariest one in the Batfamily, second to Batman and tied with Black Bat/Orphan.

The few who find out what really happened in the warehouse that night. Blackmail material on the Riddler.

Three ( four if you count Penguin) of Gotham’s biggest villains of the Rogues Gallery scared of Bats’ newest addition. Hellbat was not someone they wanted to mess with.

---------

Magic crisis stuff. Like a world ending event thing. Dr. Fate says they need the Miraculous jewels but the last mention of them had been in Paris a few years ago and had vanished since then.

Costantine looked at Batman. “You know who you have to call.”

Batman calls Hellbat. Who hasn’t been introduced yet to the JL.

“Ah. Bats. Not that I question your authority or anything but how can your newest ‘ward’ help us?”

She takes off her helmet and reveals her face and more importantly, her earrings.

Tikki comes out of her hiding place.

“I am the current Guardian of the Miracle Box and wielder of the Ladybug miraculous during Hawkmoth’s reign in Paris a few years ago. Any other Questions?”

“Oh great Guardian. Tikki. It is an honour to meet you.”-Wonder Woman, who else.

“You too, Princess Diana. Pass on my regards to your mother.”-Tikki

A huge face-off and the big evil is defeated.

WW asks abt HM and gives a horrified face at the end of her story. Nearly everyone who eavesdropped on the conversation was.

"Forgive me, Guardian for not aiding you in your hour of need.”

“It’s okay. I understand that there are other crises, world-ending ones that JL have to take care of. I am better now. Mostly.”

“I doubt it with those revenge schemes I found lying around. But she is getting there with her therapist.”-Batman

“I hate you, Dad.”

“Did you just call him Dad?”

“No….”

“Do you see me as a father figure?”

“I see you as a nuisance with how nosy you are with my personal business. So you are more of a bother figure.”

“I see you as part of the family too, Daughter.” (Got that reference anyone?)

“Jason was the one who adopted me.”

“Legally you are adopted by me.”

Maria with Pikachu surprised face because nobody told her that. “My life is a lie.”

-------

(Part 5)

[mimzy-writing-online]

My Most Recent Chaotic Academia Nonsense

It's finals week, and instead of studying, I'm writing a tumblr post about the nonsense of my college education. Here we go:

I had a 7-8 page paper due that was worth 40% of my grade, and five days before it was due I scrapped what I had and started brand new with a completely different poem. (grade pending)

One of my classes has 5 essays for the semester but the lowest one gets dropped. The TA said I didn't have to take the last essay seriously if I was satisfied with my previous grades. So I submitted a "Spotify Wrapped, but make it Literature" of all the things I've read, written, and done related to school. Plus pictures of my cats.

The professor did not like this and asked that anyone who committed such nonsense submit a real essay.

Two days later at the lovely hour of 12 AM, the ghost of Emily Dickenson possessed my spirit and I punched out an essay doing a close reading of "613" and it was two pages, four paragraphs of feral feminist anger and it was so cathartic. I got an A.

(I titled the essay with a song lyric)

I wildly disagree with a different professor about what Dickenson is doing with her dashes. He argues that they induce moments of pause. I firmly insist they speed up the rate of the poem, demanding drama and emotion.

Essay 4 was supposed to be my throw-away essay actually. I was facing severe burnout and could not make myself focus enough to even pick a topic. So I told myself it just had to be something and it could suck, so long as there was something to submit. I had four hours left. Highest graded essay of the semester. wtf

I participated in a scavenger hunt at my school's library. Participated is a generous term. I followed my group while they did the clue-solving thing and I admired the library's architecture and felt tiny while wandering through the stacks and it was wonderful but also exhausting.

I wrote a 20 line speech for Ophelia that basically implies she was in on Hamlet's plot, deceiving Claudius and her father into believing Hamlet had gone mad with love so they would be distracted while Hamlet pondered his uncle's guilt and what to do. The speech was set after Hamlet murdered her father and was exploring her grief and guilt. I had soooo so much fun writing it and then I got to do a close reading of my speech and explain what little wording decisions meant.

I regularly send my best friend the most batshit quotes of what I'm reading and videos of me ranting about dead men.

After the semester he came to visit and we went to a local used bookstore. I got a book of Emily Dickenson poems and a book on T.S. Eliot, as if I hadn't gotten enough of them the two weeks prior.

Several months ago I went to the same bookstore and checked their poetry section for Calamus by Walt Whitman--but I forgot how to spell Whitman *insert upside-down smiley face* and kept searching for "Wittman" and getting frustrated. I didn't realize my mistake until I was walking home.

I went to an art museum with another blind friend and I described the art to him. I had some fun explanations of different works, especially the Picasso and Pollock paintings.

I forgot to check the weather while leaving to get to my final and did not bring an umbrella, so I walked 1.5 miles home in the rain at 10pm.

For that final, I had to identify and analyze texts I'd read this semester, and despite how much I deeply hate Alexander Pope, I spent a long time analyzing a sample of his writing.

I found out today that I have to read Pamela and Shamela for the third time next semester. Kill me.

You'd be surprised how many times you have to reread a work as an English major, or like read a different sample of the same work or author. And most of the time I find a new potential take or argument, some new idea or whatever. But it'd be really nice if I didn't have reread some of my least-faves.

But I finally got to read Alice in Wonderland! For all the references my character Anna makes to it, it's a surprise I hadn't read it sooner (reading it as a kid doesn't count anymore because I don't remember it).

None of my essays required an MLA works cited page??? What the fuck? Like, what?? How do you know I'm not making some of this shit up? Like, I write articles on the internet for funsies, I know how easy it is to just make something up and convince people to believe you. I don't do that, but I know I'm capable of it. Like, hiiiii big fancy university, what do you mean you don't care if I cite my sources??

I brewed sooo much tea at home. The Starbucks in my area don't make my favorite drink as well as the ones back home, and everywhere else does sweet tea and bubble tea and that's great but it's not for me.

I spent all that spare cash on cat toys, no joke.

And yes, my rough guestimate of how much tea I brewed was included in my "Spotify Wrapped, but make it Literature" thing.

[gwydionmisha]

Personal:  Tooth Saga

So the tooth thing is a whole saga again.  I went and got the root canal.  After they were like, "We're putting in  a temporary filling until you can get a crown." ��Me: When can i schedule the crown for?  Them:  We don't do that here and neither does your dentist.  You can't chew anything until you get the crown as it's fragile and will crumble and we'll have to do another root canal.  Good luck!  Bye!  Me: WTF!?!

Both my dentist and the Endodontist knew I had neither a previous crown or root canal, but I was supposed to have guessed two months ago that I would need a crown and that I needed to start searching for a new dentist that both did crowns and took Medicare right then, since there are basically no dentists taking new patients in my area and the wait lists are full since everything is scheduled out four months.  I don't understand why they didn't tell me this when they told me I needed a root canal?  I'd heard of crowns, had zero idea what one is or what it's for.  I'm still not clear on what a root canal is.  (I asked assorted different dental personal what a root canal is, including both dentists.  I asked every time they asked if I had questions.  None of the answers made sense and i think I would have done better if they'd used, say a picture of a tooth and pointed at things, but that's not how it works, apparently?  Instead they say a few vague and confusing things that convey no information so there was nothing for it.)  How was I supposed to guess that I needed to ask questions about crowns under that circumstance?  Wouldn't it have been logical for them to say "You need both a root canal and a crown.  You will need to find an endodonist and a new dentist, here are two lists of practices that do those things" rather than wait for someone who has said repeatedly they don't know anything about root canals to know what questions to ask?

So I'm basically fucked.  I literally an not allowed to chew.  I keep hurting myself moving my teeth wrong.  There was a speck of grit in my mouth this evening (Wednesday) which may be the start of the temp filling crumbling.  I have called all the dentists on the tiny list I wheedled them into giving me of dentists they work with, one of which doesn't exist apparently.  The one who answered their phone says I should call back in a couple of months to see if there is room on their wait list then as they are scheduled four months out right now and they don't know any other practices taking new patients.

Everyday I call the answwering machines of dentists fruitlessly, leaving messages with zero hope that anyone will take me even if they do have slots as I know full well most dentists reject medicare out of hand even though it pays cash and is easier to get advance clearance for these things because of reasons unclear to me.  My Social worker is on vacation.  I hope to enlist her help when she gets back as she's a bulldog and can argue the medicare billing which I don't know how to do, but really, I'm fucked.

I have x-rays.  I have excellent records.  I literally had a cleaning in the last month.  I just want the frigging crown, not all the new patient exam and x-ray stuff.  I can't chew until we do this.  I don't see how I can go the projected four to six months without crumbling the temp.

All the dentists knew this would be the case.  Seriously, why the fuck did not one of them tell me to start looking for a dentist that does crowns two months ago?  I don't understand why that deliberately kept this information from me knowing that getting a crown in less than four to six months would require a time machine or a miracle and that I needed a crown ideally within a week of the root canal?  Am I missing something here?

[floweryavenue]

Ugh, so, I don't even know if anyone is actually gonna read this, and I'm not really the one who would participate in fandom very actively (I was always a passive observer, liking other's people content), but the stuff with the leaks of the extra 8 pages of snk ending has been really bothering me for the last few days, and I really need to get a few things off my chest.

I really wanted to wait till 9th June to form my full thoughts. However, since basically all pages have leaked anyway and quite a reliable source confirmed there is basically no additional context to them whatsoever, I decided I might as well write this anyway and vent somewhere to clear my head so I can finally move on with my life to focus on other things I like and with other important irl stuff. Moreover, since Tumblr seems like a reasonably safe space to do so (comparing to one hell of a Twitter...) I might as well do it here. So, let's go.

So, basically, my main problem with those pages is simply that... you just don't do that. No. You don't release an ending, make people think it's really the end, then say you're gonna release a few additional pages that won't change anything but simply clarify some things, and then, two months later, release these pages indeed but not only they don't actually clarify anything, but in fact, create even more plot holes. Furthermore, as a cherry on top, they change the ending quite completely. If those pages had been included in the original release, most people, myself included, would've moved on by now. But noooo, make us go through this hell again. Great :))))

And as for the content of those pages, well... I can't help but feel they really did quite a disservice to Mikasa, one of my favourite female characters ever. My biggest problem isn't even that she 'moved on' (whatever that means at this point, coz I feel like fandom has been successfully managing to butcher that term ever since 139 has dropped) and started a family on her own because I'm fully aware that falling in love again after you first love died is an entirely normal thing irl. But ffs, we're not talking about irl here; we're talking about snk and Mikasa. And the thing that MAINLY bothers me, is the way it has been presented.

I'm not going to delve into the husband's possible identities, 1) I'm not interested at all in participating in any ship wars, 2) because we don't even get to see his face and sources say we indeed don't get any direct confirmation in that regard. Not that this matters anyway, because we get presented with Mikasa on the one hand staring her own family, but on the other, still continuing to visit Eren's grave repeatedly throughout her life and in the end, getting buried with a scarf on, her dearest remembrance of Eren, and maybe even getting buried next to him (even tho, the latter is still not 100% confirmed, bcs here sources are contradictory, but judging by the general mood of those pages, I'd not be surprised at all if it turns out to be the case).

That makes me think the whole family-stuff was used only to present the passage of time and the fact that Mikasa never fully got over Eren, bcs we don't see the family in any other context besides the visits to the grave. And that leads me to my other question - was introducing the family really NECESSARY, then? Couldn't Mikasa simply visit the grave with Armin, and maybe even with Armin, Annie and their kids? Idk about you, but that would make 100% more sense to me. Also, don't get me even started, how much in the wrong way it rubs me that Mikasa, the character who, as we know, always deeply cared about others, even strangers (Gabi, etc.), would just drag her husband, her children and grandchildren to the grave of her first love on which she had written 'my most beloved, my dear'? Do I really need to elaborate on how WEIRD that is?

But I guess that's on me for believing a male author would write a satisfactory conclusion to the main female character (not Mikasa touring around Hizuru, not Mikasa playing with kids at the orphanage, no! Forced family plot, instead! Take that!)

As of Eremika, aka my most cherished paring ever since 2014... I guess the only good thing in that mess is that at least it doesn't invalidate them. If anything, it validates them even more, because the stuff I've mentioned earlier prove their love was eternal and Mikasa never truly got over it. So, all in all, I'm gonna still cherish them forever. There are still many unexplored aspects of their bond, so I believe we, as a community, have a big room to explore (pls, I'm begging you, explore with me all the possibilities of their four years in the cottage in the mountains, I swear, that sh!t has so much potential it's unbelievable).

As of Paradis getting destroyed, well, that leaves me bitter, even though after doing some thinking, that really might be the least out of place thing in those pages. At least according to sources, it happens when Mikasa is already dead, so at least Eren's wish of giving his friends long, secure lives came true. However, that would be it.

And as of titan's power still being there and some kid apparently finding the source of it... this just screams 'sequel-baiting', AND I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. That's it.

To end my definitely too long rambling, I just wanna say, I really would have liked to wait till 9th June to publish my thoughts, but as I've said, those last few days have been driving me crazy and I really wanted just to get all of it off my chest and move on. I want for now to just focus on my irl things, like working on my master's thesis and other stuff giving me joy, like Eurovision next week coming back after 2-years-absence due to pandemic. Eurovision is one of the few things that I love, and I intend on fully enjoying it next week, not sulking on those leaks too much. And if by some completely unexpected miracle I get pleasantly surprised on 9th June (even tho I truly doubt it at this point) - that would be only a win for me, I guess.

Anyway, please remember, all that I have written here is ONLY MY OPINION, and if you disagree with anything, that's valid, you're completely entitled to that. I'm not publishing this to argue with anybody, only to clear my head. That's it.

If anyone has read this too long personal rant of mine - thank you, I'm kissing you on the forehead right now. 

Oh, and remember - EREMIKA IS CANON. And always will be (no, that one is not up for discussion). 

Also, we have that official High School AU, and Eren right now is quietly snoozing on Mikasa's shoulder during another Twilight marathon she made him to take part in, and Armin and Annie are dissing people together on reddit while bonding over their pretentious taste in music. That's canon, Isayama told me after I had phoned him to ask wtf.

PS To think I was almost sure those extra pages will be about Mikasa's reunion with the rest of the alliance... I guess it's time to put that clown make up on. 

[ivanabaqero]

Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out. 

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened. 

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

 I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone  resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication. 

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four  breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore. 

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish  for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not. 

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am  back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started. 

[pebblysand]

OF CRYSTAL ROSES (EXTENDED AUTHOR’S NOTE OF CHAPTER VI. OF CASTLES)

-- TO READ THE CHAPTER ITSELF, SEE HERE ON AO3 --

well, well, well. here we are. spoiler alert, gryffindors make plans they don’t stick to, lolz. all the good intentions in the world, i had. study, i said i would. yet, here were find ourselves, eighteen thousand words later. this appears to be how i roll. slept about five hours last night, too, so apologies if i’m slightly non-sensical/rambly. this chapter ought to be sponsored by deliveroo and teapigs tea, a brand of tea that appeared in my local supermarket a few moths ago and that i steadily refused to buy because - can tea really be worth this much? low and behold, once you’ve tried it once, it appears to be addictive. i’ve, while writing this chapter, worked my way through about four packs of their different teas - they are just this good. i have a job interview tomorrow so wish me luck in gaining employment which will hopefully fund my expensive habits.

now, before we get into the nitty gritty of the chapter, itself, i just needed to say this: i cannot thank everyone enough for the incredible response on last chapter. i’d kind of grown accustomed to getting a couple of reviews for each of them and to writing in my little corner of the internet but boy, you guys are bloody legends! i am so overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone who commented, kudo-ed and generally gave love to this fic in general. i really didn’t expect such a response and it’s meant the world to me. i think it’s probably also the reason why i’m posting so early because i kept being like, god, i can’t leave this many people waiting in this cliffhanger hell. i think this chapter ends on a more positive note (although, i’ll let you judge), one that might be more conducive of a few weeks’ wait (more on that below), haha.

this being said, as i explained on here before, i come from very tiny fandoms where basically everyone knows each other and the number of people reading would usually fit in my flat. the fact that over 80 people are now subscribed to this fic just blows my fucking mind. you’re all magnificent and i love you. i try to respond to all the comments so let’s keep chatting if you feel like it (although, no pressure - comment if you want to, but do know that it makes me very happy when you do :)). you’re all fabulous and i wish you all the best!

anyway, spoilers for castles, chapter vi under the cut.

guys, guys, guys, i am so tired. i’ve spent four days editing almost 20,000 words and my brain is fried. but, we are officially at the halfway point of this story, yaaaay!!! my plan, at this point, is that we’ll have six chapters on each side but even if i do end up splitting this one later (more on this below) i’ll end up with seven chapters on each side so either way - yay to the end of act 1!

i think that’s also why i tried to turn this chapter around this quickly. to me, i always kind of saw this fic as having two parts. part 1: the immediate post-war aftermath with the heartache and the love-fast/burn-fast start to harry/ginny. part 2: a slow and actually healthy rebuild of their relationship, and of the world around them. i have genuinely been writing towards that last harry/ginny scene in this chapter for months. it feels like such a relief to finally have that weight off my shoulders. and i actually do think it’ll allow me to focus on study later. act one is finished, and act two can wait a bit, i suppose.

now, obviously, given that i already apologised last time, part of me still wants to apologise for the length of this chapter, even more so, actually. it sits at about 18,000 words which, by nanowrimo’s standards, is over a third of a full book, wtf. yet, you guys also said last time that you didn’t actually mind long chapters, so perhaps i shouldn’t beat myself up too much?

as i said in the a/n, this is a little bit of different set up than chapter v. though. i know exactly where to split this. as you’ve probably seen by now, there’s a very natural split point after harry has his breakdown on the couch with ginny, before Christmas properly "starts." the reason i didn’t split this one there, though is: a) selfish: i needed to get this out. stop working on it. i need to study. when it’s out, i’m not thinking about it anymore. it would have been a bit non sensical to split this just for the sake of it and post two chapters at once, which means i probably would have held onto the second part for another couple of weeks, and fuck that. additionally, b) you may not have noticed this but: the chapter titles rhyme. why did i bring this additional difficulty upon myself, i do not fucking know. especially because i will soon run out of one-word construction materials to draw from, lol. as a result, though, i need an even number of chapters to close out this story and because i’m sort of planning six chapters from now to the end (more on that below) i can’t really split this one right now. like, if i end up with another overlong chapter in the next few months, i probably will take that opportunity and go back and split this one, just for readability. but at this stage, at this stage, because i don’t know how many chapters i’ll have for act two (six or seven), i’m keeping this chapter like this for the time being. i kind of hope i end up with seven chapters on the other side and am able to split this one down the line, but we will see. in the meantime, my most sincere apologies to the folks who read fanfiction before bed and it’s now 4 am by the time you’ve finished this. i’ve been there before, believe me.

from a personal standpoint, though, i have to say, this chapter (compared to the last one) was incredibly easy to write. i think i’d spent so much time imagining and writing these scenes in my head as kind of a culminating point for the first half of the story, that it quite simply poured out. i did have a little bit of an everything is shit crisis yesterday and today, but sure look, that always happens. overall, i am quite happy - i think - with the end result.

now, when i say "easy to write" i mean, technically, easy to find words to write down what was in my head. i do not mean: easy to write on an emotional level. oh boy. i’m generally not a crier. i have been asked, a number of times, by people who said my writing made them cry: do you cry when you write, too? and my answer was always ‘no’. i don’t judge, but i’m just not that kind of person. i know people who cry every day but personally, we are in the middle of a pandemic, my father recently passed away, i’ve lost my job and am studying for an exam my life is pretty dependent upon, and i haven’t cried in months. yet, i swear, there were a couple of times, both writing this and editing it, when i had to step away from the screen because i could feel a lump in my throat. that had never happened to me before. i didn’t, like, bawl or anything but god i felt it. i don’t know if it’s because it’s my first time killing an oc, someone who was really mine but boy. giulia. i kept trying to find ways not to kill her, or apologising to her. to me, she’s tom’s last victim and that really, fucking hurts. if you’re hurting too, i don’t really know what to tell you. i’m sorry, i suppose. her death was needed for … plot purposes, lol. god, i’m the worst haha.

re:harry/ginny: i must say i really like where they end up, at the end of this. i had planned this to a certain extent. i was always under the impression that they would talk over christmas, but not get back together. however, the reason why they weren’t getting back together, in my head, was initially quite different. i initially didn’t have ginny dating someone else. i think i mentioned i was toying with the idea in the a/n for last chapter, but at the time i wasn’t truly sold on it. then, i ended up writing the scene i’d originally planned for them and it didn’t quite fit. what i’d planned, at the time, felt rather ooc for ginny when actually on paper. on the other hand, harry, under my fingertips, kept trying to kiss her and i kept hitting the delete button. i swear, i know it sounds weird to people who might not be writers but sometimes, your characters really do seem to have their own agendas. when i caved, let him kiss her, then the scene took on a different meaning, and, i hope, a better one. i think something clicked there and it feels like a good place for act one to end. obviously, they’ll get back together cause this follows cannon so you know, not much suspense there. it’s more about the how than the what, to me.

re:ginny’s letters: this idea came to me a while ago, actually. i was thinking that they’d need to talk about what happened last year, but i was kind of struggling on the how. having character a tell a story to character b is always a bit difficult, in writing, because it can quickly end up being boring. like, when ginny tells harry about christmas last year and lupin, in this chapter, telling that in dialogue is already rather long an laborious, and it’s overall such a short story. for harry, it’s easy. i’m in his head so he can just say ‘he told her about the hallows’ and the dialogue can be about their reaction, rather than the events itself. but ginny, she needs to share facts, as well as feelings. and doing that through long monologues just didn’t appeal. first, it’s quickly boring and second, it’s also kind of ooc. she’s not giulia, you see.

i did entertain the idea of completely skimming past it. ‘she told him about last year and he was horrified.’ - moving on. but, i don’t know, that didn’t feel quite right either, because i think they need to exchange, and talk, and that just felt like a copout. also, to be honest, it’s a very difficult story to tell. like, i’ve seen people in fics being like ‘so, harry sat down all of the weasleys and told them everything the trio did in seventh year,’ and i’m like that’s so difficult, though. sitting someone down and telling them all about your trauma, with little preamble, just setting it all out there, i can’t imagine ginny (or, frankly, most people) actually doing that, you know? we reveal bits of ourselves bit by bit, not all at once.

then, it hit me: she’s a writer, isn’t she? at least, she is canonically in first year, with not only the diary but also the poems, then writing for the prophet. obviously, the diary thing would have riled her up a bit but i do think in the end, she would probably have been like: no, i won’t let him take writing away from me, you know? so yeah, letters. daily letters. you won’t see all of them in next chapter, but probably quotes from the most important ones, things that harry reads. that’s where he gets his facts about her story last year, and then they can focus on their feelings about it. fab! something to look forward to, haha.

now, re: the future. as i said, we are entering act two. act two will gradually become more "fun" and fluffy, i suppose, but i won’t lie, we will be keeping the same happy/sad vibe that a lot of you have commented on with this fic. it exists for a reason (as i said, life is about sex, but it’s also about funerals). as i said before, this fic is, above all, an exploration of what ‘all was well’ actually means.

this being said, this isn’t an 8th year fic. there is a very specific future pov from which this fic is being narrated, and that’s in october 2027 (i know, precise). obviously i have 28 years to get through in act two so that will affect the way that the timeline is designed. it will obviously be more spread out, especially in the later chapters. this being said, while i have about a million of ideas for all the space in between and a very clear view of what the last chapter will be, the exact layout of each chapter is still slightly blurry. i haven’t sat down to put all my ideas in chronological order yet, as well as into some sort of chapter structure, which is also why i can’t really tell if it’ll be six or seven chapters in the end. all of this to say, there’s still quite a bit of work to be done.

this means that, as i said in the a/n, i don’t think you’ll get next chapter until at least, may. please don’t think that this means i’ll be abandoning this fic or anything, it’s just that i’ll be doing work you probably won’t see. i’m probably going to take the rest of march off writing to study (bar maybe a roar-series Harry&Hermione friendship one shot? maybe) then take april to plan and write as much of the next chapters i possibly can. ideally, by the end of april i can have a first draft of the whole thing. i desperately want to write as much as i can now that I’m jobless in the hopes that when i do find a job (again, interview tomorrow, pray for me), i can just have editing to do at the weekends. but we all know i relate to harry on a very deep level when he says ‘when have our plans ever worked, anyway?’ so we will see, haha.

anyway, these were all the thoughts off the top of my head, re: this chapter. if you have any questions or other things you’d like me to ramble about, feel free to send in questions, my ask box is always open. i know i probably think about this fic (and hp) way too much but i’m an extrovert and my hobbies used to include travelling, pints at the pub, dating and, well, there’s none of that anymore, is there, lol? the uk has stolen our vaccines (fucking brexit) so here’s to being obsessed with fictional worlds i wish i could live in for a while longer,

i will now go and endlessly refresh my email for reviews and kudos, like the attention seeking basic bitch i am haha.

have a fab evening, everyone!

[sixteenyearoldrants]

entry number one - to my old friend group, i am not stupid.

disclaimer: this is basically a diary. when i was 8 i took a dork diaries quiz and it told me to write a blog as a form of venting, which is exactly what i’m doing right now. you should definitely not read this fellow tumblr users it’s boring and a waste of your time i’m basically just talking to myself. if you read this and think you know me irl, no you don’t. i’m using initials to replace names btw.

introduction to my rant

my school is tiny. it only has like 250 people in the ENTIRE school, and my year (the biggest year) has 53 people. over half of them are guys, so that leaves my options for school friends pretty limited. if you’re wondering why i don’t include guys as possible friend group joiners, there is absolutely no reason why, except the fact that there’s an unspoken rule that there are no mixed gender friend groups. at all. they just don’t exist in my year. they exist in the other schools in my town, the ones with over 900 people, but definitely not in mine. as of right now, there are seven friend groups in my year. all groups except group one are all girls

group one is all of the guys. they all have their own little micro groups, but usually all of them hang out in one huge group together. group two and three are kinda exclusive? like they’ve stayed the exact same people since day one, and they’re all actually really nice but i’ve never talked to any of them about anything that isn’t homework answers, so that’s a no. group four is the closest thing we have to popular people, except there’s not enough people in the school for us to have actual intimidating popular people and they’re too nice to be mean-popular. before one of these girls joined, she was a kpop stan and my best friend. she’s still nice but i miss how close we were before we drifted.group five consists of four girls (two of whom are sisters whos parents are first cousins!!!!) and are undeniably the ‘weird kids’. i’m gonna make a separate post later on why they’re considered this but it’s most definitely accurate name for them.

group six is my old friend group that i recently left because they were extreme bitches and sosososo toxic. they genuinely act like they’re better than everyone and judging from the shitty two years i spent with them, they actually think they are. the only person i actually like is LB, she’s the sweetest person ever, i love her to bits. she left the group with me for reasons i will later reveal.

and finally, group seven. this is the biggest group, with seven or eight people. i’ve always been good enough friends with the people in it, so when my old friend group got to be too much, they let me and LB hang out with them, and i’m so happy i was able to fall back on them. i’m a lot happier in this group.

the actual rant  - why my old group was so toxic

okay, so i come across as a very ditzy person. i laugh at the stupidest things. i zone out when people talk sometimes. i like to run everywhere, sometimes i skip. i always have to ask what’s going on because i wasn’t listening. i genuinely cannot stay serious. it’s just how i am. like i guess i am kind of a ditz? but i’m not stupid at all. not at alllll. as a matter of fact, i’ve always been really smart (except in algebra because wtf how am i meant to equalize algebraic fractions using coordinates???) but anyways i’m very clever. i can tell in two seconds flat if someone’s trying to bullshit me, i can win any argument purely through logic, i can persuade people by figuring out exactly what i know they want to hear without giving them false hope. right now, i’m doing the highest possible level in every class through my second language, in a school where everyone else grew up surrounded by it and i could barely say a sentence when i joined, and have never ever made a grade lower than a C+. 

i am not stupid.

but for some reason, because i’m a bit ditzy, this friend group took that as an excuse to treat me like i am stupid, and i hated it. it wasn’t so bad for the first year. it was normal. i may have been the most common butt of their jokes, but it was fine. there was no actual bad intent behind it, they were just normal inside jokes and stuff. but then, in second year, it actually started to sting.

i would say anything and automatically recieve a dirty look, for example, once i told them about my brother’s sleepwalking, because tbh if your brother unlocks the door and walks out of your house in the middle of the night to stand outside the neighbors door in his pyjamas and socks because he’s “borrowing the hoover”, ALL while asleep (he sleeps with his eyes open too which makes it even creepier bc he doesn’t blink he just stares with weird ass zombie eyes), you’re probably gonna think, ‘hey! that’s a funny story! i should tell my friends about that!’, right?

so i went into school that morning and told them about it really excitedly, and all i got back was one “... okay.”, and all of them giving me a weird look and giving each other knowing looks and then starting up a conversation about the posters on the wall in the room we were in, like i had never said anything at all. (LB wasn’t there. it was just the three bitches)

i know i’m just being dramatic. i know i’m too sensitive, but i had been so excited to tell them about that, and then they couldn’t be bothered to respond with anything other than a look. and it fucking hurt so much and i don’t know why but that memory just always stuck with me. after that i just kinda faded into the background for the rest of the conversation and didn’t say much.

but then i realized that a pattern was emerging. if i tried to start a conversation, i would get the “... okay?” and the looks would be given and exchanged. if i asked a question, i.e “wait, so *name* did/said what?”, they would exchange looks, giggle, and then say *insert my name* in a super exasperated tone and sigh, then continue without answering. they treated me like i was some sort of dumb dog, and i couldn’t stand it. constantly making snide jokes about me. i took the hint after about a month. they didn’t like me. i couldn’t make them like me. i just accepted it. but as you know, at that time i didn’t really have many other friend group options, and another girl had once left our group and they had talked so much shit about her when she left, and i knew they would do the same if i left. so i stayed.

eventually, in the last month of school, they started being bitchy to LB too. they would basically ignore her on the bus home, give her dry responses, just being typical bitches. it got to a point where we would be walking around at lunch, and the three of them would literally have their backs turned to us while talking under their breath so we weren’t included in whatever they were talking about.

i didn’t mind, i was used to it, but it was starting to get to LB. she cracked when i stopped to tie my lace while she waited for me, and the other three full on speedwalked away from us, no shame. she asked if i had been feeling left out recently, because she definitely had, and i was like “omg finally i’ve been wanting to rant to you about this forever” and i explained to her that they had never really liked me and treated me like shit and we decided to leave.

so we did. and now we’re with group seven, those ex-friends seem to have no problem with either of us. in fact, they treat us like nothing ever happened and treat me the way they did when they liked me.

so that’s something i guess. i’m not going back though. ever.

if you read all the way down to this i love you have a cookie.

❤ THE END❤

[realms-official-askblog]

Ok so imma just simplify the plot as much as I can so people can understand what it is.

So 4.5 billion years ago earth showed up and four being came into existence with it: Aquala, Ignitia, Mortius, and Viviæ. Water, fire, death, and life. They're sorta like gods but one step below them and you could stab them and they'd probably die. Anyways.

They make some shit, then they end up making too much shit and that's when things get whack, so the being that made them decided to make another one of them, but it got fucked up and split into two beings. It was supposed to be Balance, but now it's Peace and Chaos. Paxala and Chaeosala.

Based just off of what they represent, I want you to guess who's the antagonist and who's the protagonist. I'll wait. Did you say that Chaeosala is the antagonist? Get out of here with that shit, Paxala's the real asshole.

So anyways, Peace and Chaos obviously don't get along, but they end up making more shit to help with the shit that the other ones made. But now they wanna make some brains, except there's one problem here. Nobody can figure it out. So instead of telling them how to do it like a normal person, the being who made them decided to make another one of them to help them figure it out, except that one got a bit fucked up too and the core came out shaped like a jelly bean instead of a ball. This is Mind, or Psychato, and this fucker is the reason why mental illnesses exist. He's not a dick about it tho. He and Chaos get along pretty well, almost like siblings, but Paxala is her actual sister and has to remind Chaeosala of that every now and again.

Then Psy came up with the idea of making some big brain, but he couldn't figure out big brain, so of course the goddess that made them had to make another one. This one actually turned out the way she was supposed to, so we have that at least. This one is Knowledge, or Sciocia. She has big brain and knows how to make big brain, so she helps Psy make big brain. Then they all start making stuff with big brain like monke. Then Paxala starts thinking "hey my big brains are better than your big brains and since mine are an extension of myself I must be superior" and decided to try to nerf everyone else, starting with Chaeosala. So she gives her tea with a roofie in it and next thing Chaeosala knows she's chained up in a cave for the next two thousand years and almost starves to death. Paxala gives her food sometimes, but she stabs her before she does that and only gives her food if she's quiet. Meanwhile, while Chaeo is in a coma, Psychato has a mental breakdown and his bean decides to fuck with his head. One thing leads to another and Sciocia diagnoses him with schizophrenia after 450 million years of him dealing with it since nobody really paid attention to his personal life. He decides "hey I'm gonna find Chaeo" so he convinces his buddy Death to come with him and they find her. Psychato has an emotional breakdown when he sees what Chaeo turned into (a skeleton basically) and he ends up yelling at some random ghost that they found when the ghost tried to joke about it. Mortius breaks the chains and then the chains start bleeding yellow, but the bois, now including the ghost that Psy yelled at, decide to bring Chaeo with them anyway, and who else to show up but the banana flavoured sociopath herself? She reveals that she blackmailed Sciocia to get Psychato's diagnosis then outed him to everyone else, so he decides to pull some serious mindfuckery. Mortius tries to get him to not do the mindfuckery, but he already did the mindfuckery, so there wasn't anything he could do about it. He decided to just ignore it and get Chaeo to a hospital. Psychato brings Chaeosala to the hospital and then Mortius shows up while the ghost is getting judged by Sciocia. Psy ends up doing the self-scratchies an Mortius is like "stop it get some help" and Psy ends up arguing with him about it and decides that he should probably stop. Mortius leaves and then meets up with the ghost and now the ghost has a job.

A few months later, Chaeosala wakes up from her nap and is like "yo wtf is this" because she has no idea what a hospital is and thinks that she's dreaming. She can't move or speak at this point so not much happens other than physical therapy which she absolutely hates.

Aaand that's all I have for the current canon. I'll reblog it when there's more development.

[tarysande]

Real talk: tarysande is a menace. Like. WTF. I just finished (re)reading Taking the Fall. W T F. It just ... stops???? Doesn’t she REALIZE that I need MORE? Ugh. (One of these days I’ll reread A Handful of Dust, too, but right now I canNOT with myself; AHOD or Any Four Walls might just destroy me.)

On the plus side: I figured out why, even though I’ve had 3000+ words of TtF Chapter 14 written since October, I couldn’t progress. And it’s like ... a minor shift, really. But something so important that my brain basically threw on the brakes and yanked up the handbrake for good measure until I figured it out. 

Need to delete a few paragraphs and replace them with a scene that makes more sense. And then I need to replace a different few paragraphs to set another scene up in a way that matches better. And then I need to sew the many bits and pieces of scenes and dialogue that’ve been sitting in the #$^@ing file for more than six months into a cohesive and coherent narrative.

(It’ll probably end up the longest chapter so far.)

((Not gonna lie, though, it’s been six months since I did any creative writing. Like, at all. I don’t even remember how to write like tarysande. Here’s hoping it comes back to me.))

[lhs3020b]

OK, for those of you who’d enjoy a good “property market WTF” horror story, here’s the tale of the no-bedroom flat...

Roll your collective memories back a few years, to the halcyon days of late 2004/early 2005. No pandemic and technically no market crash (yet), but there was the Iraq War, the Dubya presidency, the declining years of the Blair government and New Labour more generally ... and a housing market that was on fire. And busy burning the country down as it did, not that anyone in power then was willing to recognise what was happening right in front of their eyes.

(Oh, and also a print media that was filled with puff pieces about “the Great Moderation” and “prudent central banks” and how everything was wonderful and perfect in The Paradisical Freest Free Market Economy and how weren’t we all so lucky to be living in The End of History ... for what in hindsight was a very clear imminently-pre-apocalyptic phase, the mid-2000s really were an incredibly complacent time! In fairness this was about 13 or so months before the US subprime market started to crumple, but anyone who was paying attention could have seen that housing costs had entirely outstripped average incomes, and there’s just no way that can ever be sustainable. Anyway...)

I had to find myself a new place to live, and I found myself having to do it in a rush. I’d just graduated university for the first time - yay degree collection! -, had moved into a shared house away from my parents, and barely four months later, we all got evicted when our landlord had a weird falling-out with the local council. We were told it was due to an adverse report from the council’s safety inspectors, but I have my doubts. (As far as I know, no inspector ever visited the property, and our main source of information was the landlord themself. And, well, Landlords + Actual Truth = Not A Likely Combination, so...)

So, I spent December 2004 frantically running around Exeter trying to find somewhere to live for January 2005. It wasn’t quite as stressful as it should have been - I was still only 21 at that point, so I hadn’t quite fully-internalised the full adult sense of “oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck it’s a housing/money problem I’m doomed aren’t I oh fuck oh fuck”, though this experience did help me get there.

I ended up viewing several properties. One was grey (grey carpet, grey walls, grey ceiling, and a lovely view of a building site.) One was completely forgettable - I know I went there, but I recall no details at all. One was bizarrely like an aboveground nuclear bunker - it had walls that were two and a half feet thick, for no reason that I could fathom, and sunlight barely reached the interior. (And zebra-print throws, everywhere. There was even one in the bathroom.) For two more properties, I never saw them inside, because the lettings agent never bothered to show up to the appointment. (Turns out this is a semi-regular experience with lettings agents.)

Then there was the no-bedroom flat.

It was advertised as a small, relatively-cheap one-bedroom property. From the advert, it looked OK for my needs. Somewhere to sleep, that’s dry and not too far from the city centre and the shops, and relatively affordable.

But when I was doing the viewings, I couldn’t find the bedroom.

I remember wandering around the kitchen, living room and bathroom, wondering if I’d gone mad. Where was the bedroom? How could even I miss an entire room? Was today the day I had finally, irrevocably, permanently, gone mad?

(Yes, I know,it shows my then-levels of residual naivete at that point that I didn’t wonder whether perhaps the advert had lied about the property to make it sound better than it was.)

There was a detail I had noticed-but-not-noticed at the same time.

The flat was a converted section of an old Victorian townhouse. As such, it had the very high ceilings that some Victorian properties tended towards. (I’ve never heard a good explanation for why they built houses like that, but it absolutely was a thing at one point in this country.) The living room had the classic high ceiling - high enough that you could have a chandelier up there and not bump your head.

The kitchen didn’t.

In fact, the kitchen was barely higher than I am. I had about an inche’s clearance between my skull and the light fitting in there. And when I stepped out of the kitchen, I noticed something.

There was a ladder, running up the wall next to the door.

The kitchen just ... stopped ... one metre below the main ceiling. And up there, lying on top of the kitchen-platform, was a mattress. Yes, a mattress, basically suspended in mid-air, in splendid isolation in the corner of the main room. Where if you rolled over in your sleep, you’d roll to your doom on the cheap, scuffed carpet below.

(Hmmm. Maybe that’s why the carpet was so dirty and scuffed over in that corner?)

Yeah. This was the “one bedroom”. More like a none-bedroom, honestly. Just think what luxury could have been yours, for just £475pcm! (Today, that would probably be closer to £650pcm, and in London they could probably get away with marketing the no-bedroom shoebox as a luxury property...)

Needless to say I went with another property. It had its own set of quirks, but “rolling over to your death in the middle of the night” wasn’t one of them, thankfully.

[purplesurveys]

1156

survey by ehxsnos

First lets get the basics out of the way...

What's your name? Robyn.

How old are you? 22.

Where are you from? Philippines.

What color are your eyes and hair? Eyes are dark brown, hair is black.

When were you born? April 21.

Now for the fun stuff!

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed. Some people can fall asleep with their closet doors open (and this is a thing in the first place??)? I could imagine that would irritate me to death, and I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until I got up and closed it.

How many people have you slept with this week? Zero.

What size is your bed? Just a twin size. It’s all I need for now.

What do you drink with dinner? Cold water, always. We also usually have other drinks served at the dinner table - Coke, buko juice, and iced tea - but I never drink anything else.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Barbecue sauce.

Last person you kissed/kissed you? You know who it was, I don’t feel like continuing to mention them on surveys as often as I used to any more.

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Two for the Road, The Proposal, and Toy Story.

What is your usual bedtime? From Monday to Friday I’m usually passed out anytime between 10 PM–12 AM. It’s a different story on weekends; revenge bedtime procrastination is my thing now, so I go to bed anywhere from 2–5 AM.

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? I always had different outfits on per year, but they were always the generic ones that we could buy costumes of at the mall – pirate, Tinkerbell, mermaid, etc. I didn’t start getting resourceful and/or witty with my Halloween choices until I was about 14 or 15 when I first went as AJ Lee.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? February last year when I had my grad photo taken.

Take a vitamin daily? I am guilty of skipping my vitamins lol.

What do you wear to bed? I answer this all the tiiiiiime but I like wearing super-thin clothes so it’d feel airy while I sleep. I don’t exactly live in the chilliest country in the world.

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Can’t relate.

Ever have plastic surgery? No.

Do you want kids? I would love to have kids, yeah.

Where did your last kiss take place? Outside of that person’s car, just right before they got inside.

Four words to explain why you last threw up? I had a fever coming in and was starting to feel nauseous.

Last thing you ate? Adobo.

Do you get your nails done? Nope.

When did your last relationship end? September.

So tell us, what room ARE you in? I’m in my bedroom.

How many stories does your home have? Three if you count the rooftop.

Do you own headphones? No. The one I have in my room is my dad’s; he just lets me borrow it.

Have you ever...

Gotten a Brazillian wax? No, never tried having that yet. Being waxed looks like it hurts, so I’ve stayed away from it to this day lol.

Gotten so drunk you couldn’t remember wtf you did? Only a handful of times as I try not to get to that point, but yes, it’s happened before.

Been called a bitch? Sure.

Slut? No.

Pierced anything? I have a couple of piercings, but nothing I pierced myself.

Had a tattoo? Not yet.

Smoked a cigarette? Yes, but I actively try to make it a point not to form it into a habit.

Smoked weed? Nope.

Missed someone so bad you couldn’t eat or sleep? Sure, this has happened back when I still felt this way about the person. 

Worked out at a gym? No, never at a gym. I’d feel too self-conscious to get a gym membership altogether haha. In the brief time I worked out, I only did it at home. 

Snuck out of the house? No. With my parents, it’s much safer to ask permission than attempt to be sneaky since they always say yes anyway.

What’s the nearest furry object? That would be Kimi.

Is the room you are in messy? I would say it’s messy in my mom’s eyes but relatively neater than the average bedroom I would see at my friends’s and relatives’ houses. My mom just has ridiculous sky-high expectations when it comes to neatness and I’ve stopped bothering to meet them years ago.

What is the single largest item in your house? Either the living room couch or my parents’ bed, not sure which would ultimately take up more space.

When did you first become interested in sex? I mean I remember starting to explore porn when I was maybe 13 or 14, so those ages would be safe guesses.

How much money did you spend today? Zero and I plan on making it remain at zero. Payday is taking so long though :((((

What is the biggest amount of money you have ever had at one time? I think I had to hold around ₱7,000 in bills at one point in high school when my mom asked me to pay for something tuition-related.

What kind of cell phone do you have? iPhone 8. It sounds more and more ancient with each year that passes lmaooo.

Have you ever been under anesthesia? Never, and I hope I never have to? I’m scared of the things that could come out of my mouth.

Which Disney parks have you been to? None of them.

What does your bed comforter look like? Blue.

When did you last cry? Yesterday, from watching an emotional clip.

When is the last time you took medicine? Start of June.

What was the medicine for? It was to treat my UTI. I was already feeling so much better by the time I had to take that last pill, but I was instructed to take it for a certain period of time so I was just following the schedule.

What kind of health insurance do you have? I’ve actually never tried looking into the specifics of it. I know health insurance is part of my job, but I don’t even fully understand insurance yet HAHA and the thought of it makes me anxious so I haven’t read too much into the kind of insurance I have and the inclusions I can avail from it.

What is your birth control method of choice? I don’t have a preferred one. I’ve only been with a girl, so I haven’t had the chance to explore methods I could gravitate towards.

How much do you spend on your parents for Christmas? Several thousands of pesos, usually.

If you were given $1k and had to use it on 1 purchase, what would you buy? Like, I was challenged to finish it off on one thing? I’d get an iPhone 12.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? They never caught me drinking when I was not yet allowed to drink. Now that they know I do drink, there’s no ‘catching’ that happens; they don’t mind me downing a bottle of soju from time to time.

Have you ever crawled through a window? I may have as a kid.

What do you spend most of your money on? Food delivery, heh. :)))))))) It’s my favorite way to spoil myself.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yup.

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex? Yes. I’m definitely a photo hoarder regardless of the person, so she’s not an isolated case; I also still have photos of people who aren’t in my life anymore, like Athenna and Sofie. I just don’t look at photos of me and Gab anymore, but they are definitely still around. Deleting them would be like deleting the last six years of my life and that sounds a little unfair.

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Someone spread a rumor that I was bi and dating Andi back in 6th grade but I wouldn’t call that nasty.

How many rooms does your house have? It originally had three, but we had the balcony renovated into another bedroom, for my brother; so now we technically have four.

Would you sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars? As long as I felt safe in the environment and with the person/people, sure.

Are you happier single or in a relationship? There are different kinds of happiness you can get from either; I don’t believe this is something that should be compared.

Do you have curly hair? No.

What is a compliment you receive often? That I write well.

How tall are you?: 5′1″.

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? Not sure, maybe one of my parents or one of my best friends.

What is the last thing you said aloud? “Already?” Cooper was nipping at my hoodie and he was able to destroy a part of the underside in like three minutes.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee.

What is one thing that can ALWAYS be found in your freezer? At least one type of frozen goods, like tocino or hotdogs.

How many pets do you own? Two.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? I’ll be 23.

Last time you went out of town? January.

First thing you wash in the shower? My hair, then I work my way down.

What kind of shampoo & conditioner do you use? I use a Dove shampoo and a Pantene conditioner.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? No.

Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? I don’t think so. We don’t have that here so there’s no reason for me to own anything from there.

How often do you hold hands with someone? Never. That’s a sensation I miss, for sure. But I’m fine – this is just my period talking HAHAHA

What was the most recent thing you bought? I got a Zinger from KFC because I was craving for fast food at 1 AM yesterday.

Could you ever forgive a cheater? Considering how stupid I can get when it comes to love, probably yes in certain situations.

Do you have Verizon? No.

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? To a very, very tiny extent, especially compared to my siblings. I’m nowhere close to being a brat, though. 

Have you ever been pregnant? No.

What is your average cell phone bill? I’m on prepaid, so I load up my phone every week with a certain amount instead of paying for a consolidated bill every month.

How many piercings do you have? Two.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? I turn it on only once I’ve gotten in.

Have you ever had stitches? Nope and I’m terrified of the thought. I hope I’ll never have to need any.

Do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Eugh, outdated question. Next.

Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? Coffee.

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse? No. I don’t use a mouse and my keyboard is already built into my laptop.

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 player? I don’t regularly use either anymore.

Where did you get that shirt you're wearing? I’m pretty certain this is a hand-me-down from my mom.

What are your pet’s names? Kimi and Cooper.

Honestly, are you in love right now? Nope.

Honestly, what color is your underwear? Blue.

Honestly, do you think you are attractive? Some days.

Honestly, do your wrists hurt? Haha no, but my back and shoulders do.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? Sure.

What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant? Continued from this morning. Figure out a way to tell my parents without getting hit.

Was there anyone who "made your day"? Today? Not really.

Are you vegeterian? Nope.

How many windows are open in your computer? Two of Chrome, one of Spotify.

Do you read Perez Hilton? Ew, no. Does that guy still do stuff???

Is there a baby in the room with you right now? No.

Do you plan on moving within the next year? It’s nice to daydream about but likely not gonna happen.

Have you been to a baby shower? No.

What brand is your computer? Apple.

How many cars can fit in your driveway? 4-5 if we really want to make the most out of the available space, but at present it only has 2.

Are you taller than your mom? Nah. Everyone thought I would be, but then I just stopped growing. I am now the shortest member in the family hahaha.

Are you a cuddler? Only with significant others. I would feel uncomfortable if a non-SO cuddled me as I am not a touchy person to begin with, except when it comes to hugs.

Sleep on your back or stomach? Stomach. I could never sleep on my back; I feel too exposed.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? I always close the bathroom doors. Kimi has the tendency to pee on the bathroom floor so I make sure he doesn’t follow me in there.

Do you dress for style or comfort? More for style. I do take comfort into account, but looking nice and feeling confident in my outfit honestly takes precedence for me.

Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry? 15,000 cases today.

Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Yeah. It would even be a bit of a relief, honestly, because it means less pressure for me to have sex to please my partner.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? Yes, both happy and sad tears.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? It depends on the person, I guess. Some can handle breakups well, and I’m not one of them.

How long has it been since you had sex? It would be 7 months this April.

Who was the last person to call you babe? My ex probably.

Last reason you went to the ER? I’ve never been to.

Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents? Yeah. They were having trouble conceiving at first, but my mom eventually found out she was pregnant with me on her 27th birthday.

How old was your mom when she gave birth to you? ^ 27.

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes, many times.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? A couple of weeks ago. I’ve been meaning to shave again but I’ve just been sooooooo lazy.

What facial cleanser do you use? I don’t use any products on my skin.

Do you use a blowdryer? Nope.

How many purses do you own?: 3 – I now have more than one! Haha. A month ago I had to buy bayongs from this small business for these PR kits we needed to send out and they included a couple of purses as freebies. Since we’re all working from home, I got to keep them since I was the one who placed the order heheh.

What are your top five favorite stores to shop for clothes? I really just stop by stalls of small businesses I see at the mall and see what trendy pieces I can get from them.

What kind of clothes do you mostly wear? I like halter and tank tops, paired with denim jeans.

What about shoes? Sneakers. You’ll rarely see me wearing anything else.

Have you ever cheated on the significant other that you have now?

For that one week a month, do you hate being a woman? I’ll feel icky about it every now and then, especially if my flow happens to be heavy; but for the most part I don’t have any complaints. I think bleeding out every month is actually kind of fucking hardcore.

What are your first thoughts when your visitor visits? Be relieved. I’ve never had irregularity issues with my period, so every time it comes it usually serves as a reassurance that there continues to be no problem.

Favorite underwear brand? Don’t have any.

Last thing you bought at the mall? Three new pods for my vape.

Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend?

What color are your pillows? They’re the same style as my current bedsheet, so they’re also blue.

What if an ex asked to be back in your life? I think it would be nice if we would at least have lunch somewhere to catch up, then ask her what led her to that point.

Don’t you just love DVR? We didn’t use it often.

If you're on a laptop, how much charge does it have left? 93%.

Last gift you recieved? I got lunch from Bea after our virtual event with the media for one of our clients. Later that day, Kata also had banana bread delivered to my place :)

Lesson you recently learned? What to do when my candle starts tunneling, which I had looked up literally no more than 5 minutes ago because it started happening to my scented candle :(

[wendimydarling]

Hiii, If you feel comfortable of course, I'd like to know how was your pregnancies. Where they calm? Complicated? How did you dealt with them? Did you always wanted children? Just your overall experience 😊🤗

HI!!! Oh this is a fun question, I’ll be happy to answer! This is gonna get long so I’ll put it under a cut!

So starting info: I have two children, Sis is seven and Bubba is five. I have always wanted children, ever since I was five years old and got my first actual babydoll. It’s in my blood, I’m phenomenal with children, and my body was designed for it, shaped for it even. My mother always called it “those child-rearin’ hips”. 😂

Now the background of meeting the hubs in case you haven’t read: we met in 2011, got engaged in 2011, got married in 2012, got pregnant in 2012. We weren’t playin’, y’all. 😬 So anywho, my pregnancy with Sis was fairly smooth sailing up until the end; my morning sickness with her was minor, it lasted from 5 weeks to 13 weeks but I only threw up maybe three times? The rest was just occasional bouts of minor nausea, and I had no other complaints besides my wisdom teeth finally erupting.

Around 34 weeks she tried to come out early; I was having minor twinges that didn’t really hurt, they just didn’t feel right, so to the hospital I went. Sure enough, I was having contractions that they struggled to stop. I was kept overnight for observation once they got the contractions to stop (it’s basically a shot they give you and they had to administer it thrice), given steroids to help baby’s lungs develop, and then sent home on mild pelvic rest for three weeks, aka sit down all the time unless you have to use the bathroom and NO sex.

We thought we were gonna have a thanksgiving baby... NOPE. Little Miss got offended that we didn’t want to meet her yet, so she stayed put until two days before her due date. 🙄 Cue 12 hours of walking to get me to progress enough to where we could go to the hospital. I had wanted a natural delivery but her head was tilted at a slight angle and caused back labor instead of typical labor, and I was in so much pain my body was shaking by four cm dilation. Epidural it is! I slept then, and she was born the next day around 4pm. I pushed for three hours, the epidural wore off, and I had a second degree tear. All worth it to see that tiny bundle I’d waited for my whole life. ❤

My son was a different story. He was conceived when Sis was about 15 months old, and his pregnancy was NOT fun, not in the slightest. I had fewer weeks of morning sickness with him, only from about 8-11 weeks, but they were HELL. I was nauseous all day, every day for three weeks. I hated it. I had heartburn with him from about 22 weeks on so I had to limit my diet and go on additional daily medication, and he rode so low that my sciatica was thrown into over drive. 

Now see, he tried to make his appearance EARLY. I first went into labor with him at about 24ish weeks? It was minor, but to this day I cannot tell you the plot of the movie Interstellar, I was too busy counting contractions and freaking out. Fortunately they subsided, and we went on our merry way.

Then came 36 weeks. I went into labor again at the same time that I got the stomach flu. Real deal labor. My husband was in the city at a football game for work, so my Mother-in-Law came over and packed me a hospital bag while I was puking my guts out. The contractions had stopped by the time my hubs got home, so I opted for sleep and would go to the hospital in the morning if they came back. 

They came back. This was different than Sis’s labor though, the contractions wrapped all the way around my belly and they felt manageable. I drove myself to the hospital after my Sis-in-Law came over to babysit, and went from being dilated from a 2 to a 4 in the space of an hour. Unfortunately, because he was only 36 weeks, he had what they jokingly refer to as “white boy lung syndrome”, which is simply that Caucasian males’ lungs do not develop as fast as girls or as other races, and so he needed to cook a little longer. Steroids again, halted labor again, pelvic rest AGAIN. Goddamn, the things I did for these babies. 😂

That lasted not quite two weeks and then I went into labor AGAIN on Christmas Eve. Just make it through the family events, child... you can be born tomorrow. Labor stopped again, and you’re about to find out why. We ended up at my 38 week appointment which was a few days after Christmas; I was dilated to a 5, 100% effaced, I was halfway there, dammit. Natural delivery, here I come! NOPE. My doc is feelin’ around and I could see concern on her face and I’m like wtf talk woman, and she says “Huh. I don’t feel his head.”

WUT.

I go in for an immediate ultrasound and sure ‘nuff, my ridiculous child is butt first, hence why labor never continued. 🤦‍♀️ So that afternoon they attempted an ECV (which I don’t wish upon my worst enemy, that is the most excruciating pain in my life), he wouldn’t flip, and I went into labor AGAIN. My doc made the executive decision to go ahead and pull him before my water broke and he got stuck or further risks occurred, and I agreed. 

I was rushed to an emergency C-section which prep for is supposed to take two hours? They did it in one. Surgery itself is supposed to take an average of 45 minutes? They did it in 22. He was born around 9pm the same size as his sister, and had some slight breathing difficulties but by his second APGAR test he was fine. 

So yeah, those are my birth stories! Thank you for letting me talk about them, I love my children with all my heart and I’d go through it all again if it meant getting to be their mother. I’d go through pregnancy again too if any of my closest friends needed a surrogate; I really didn’t mind being pregnant. ❤