#i cannot control when she does
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my #unfortunate trait is that i like how mel/langdon has an undercurrent of toxicity to them š
#like i do think he likes her and she likes him#but it is all smoke and mirrors on his part as a way to control#like the way shes someone new and he can manipulate her view of who he is#knowing that out of all the newbies shes the most likely to take him at face value and not pry further#he doesnt try and hide that with santos#he's nice to whitaker and javadi but doesnt try too hard to have a Persona (probably bc theyre students and likely not sticking around)#but mel.....#i also think he uses her as a way to 'prove' that hes fine. that he can be a good teacher. even though shes fully competent without him#like he stops being abrasive when she thinks he and garcia are fighting.#notices she takes things as they are? doesnt want her to see him as an aggressive asshole?#its like shes a new project that he Cannot fuck up or everyone will know#but i think its when they have the autistic patient that he does actually like her#and that she doesnt need him as much as he wants her to need him#but even then theres a selfishness to it that HES benefitting from her competency#'least problematic intern' (or w/e) = one whos not going to cause ME problems not problems in general#and i love the concept that mel unfortunately falls for his mask (because why wouldnt she)#and its why i want them to be lowkey angsty next season bc now she doesnt trust him !!#and he needs to earn that back#im sorry i dont live in delulu land just yet where everything is happy go lucky between them i like the complicated nature of them
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the doctor is emotionally manipulative. heās very good at it, and even better at justifying it both to himself and the people heās doing it to. he can see when his approval, his affection, is valuable enough to someone that withholding it will be an effective way of getting them to do what he wants. this is one of his best flaws, that heāll do this to people and do it to them for his own definition of whatās good for them.
(gestures vaguely) twissy.
#I LIKE THIS ABOUT HIM. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO KEEP SAYING THAT. I like this. its a very good flaw. its very consistent.#its there in all iterations of him (that iāve seen)#in early episodes with rose heāll get angry and emotionally withdrawn when she pokes at his trauma. and he knows that itāll work because in#her own words: donāt argue with the designated driver.#he does it to jack like. a lot in utopia. his judgment only has so much sway over jack because jack is Obsessed with him and he knows that.#jack unsettles him. he uses that control to feel less unsettled. especially when he canāt do it to the actual threat of that finale: the#master. (though. he tries. thatās what the whole āi forgive youā thing is about.)#eleven is practically Made of this impulse. he does it to amy. he does it to river. he does it to rory to a much lesser extent but thatās#because rory has. a vague idea? of how to have healthy boundaries. if not with amy then at least with the doctor.#thatās why his speech about people wanting to impress the doctor making him dangerous is so important. rory can See what heās doing.#and twelve. obviously. does this to clara. clara also does it right back. this is why they are made for each other alsjjfgjakdj.#and. he does it to missy. because. and i cannot emphasize this enough. he keeps her. in a box.#I ENJOY THIS ABOUT HIM. HEāS A FUCKED UP LITTLE GUY!!!! WITH ISSUES ABOUT HOW HE REALLY REALLY WANTS TO IMPOSE HIS OWN MORALITY ONTO PEOPLE#HE KNOWS HE SHOULDNT BUT HE ALSO GETS FRUSTRATED AND HE DOES IT ANYWAY!!!!#and sometimes itās unintentional. sure. sometimes it *really really* isnāt though. like.#and sometimes itās both. sometimes itās the result of him lashing out and reaching for a familiar coping mechanism in the moment.#but the point is the doctor does this.#doctor who
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Straight up had a dream last night that DC revealed that Bart and Kon were dating and it was in the WILDEST FUCKING WAY.
K, so picture this: Clark needs someone to fly around disguised as him for a plan. So Clark goes through the options in his head: Bruce can't fly, MM is off world, Jon is too much of a twink to be believable, Kara is blonde, Kon is.... Perfect! With a person in mind who would be perfect for his plan, Clark flies off to find Kon.
Cut to Judy Garrick zipping around the Garrick's house. Joan is quietly scrapbooking at the kitchen table and Judy is bored out of her mind. Judy asks Joan if there is anything she can do because she is so unbelievably bored.
Joan responds, very calmly, that she can hear "your brother's boyfriend touching down in the backyard, so why don't you go ask him?"
Judy's face jumps from emotion to emotion as three things are revealed at once. 1) Joan considers Bart to be a son and thus, Judy's brother, 2) Judy's new brother is not straight and 3) Bart has a boyfriend who is in the backyard.
So Judy immediately runs to the backyard and is stunned to bump into Clark (who was there looking for Kon) and then the dream continued on with the two of them hunting down Bart&Kon (who were just at school being normal goddammit!!!) but the entire time Judy is secretly out for blood because she thinks that Joan was referring to Clark and that this adult man is trying to date her new little brother and Judy keeps trying to kill him but it doesn't work because Clark is Kryptonian (and oblivious to the attempted homicides).
Anyway, wild dream all around.
#bruh i cannot control what my brain does in its spare time. i am merely a passenger staring out the window in awe#as the driver does crazy mind-blowing stunts#tho tbf i can lucid dream so occasionally i do fight the driver for the wheel and win#im not even fucking joking tho this was my dream#bart was FUCKING PISSED when they found him because HE HAS A SECRET IDENTITY GODDAMMIT#they can't just fly up to him in school!!!#Judy's shock was also my shock. i literally remember thinking 'dc let them date?!? when the fuck did that happen???'#'and in a SUPERMAN COMIC OF ALL PLACES?!?'#also i don't even think bart lived with joan anymore?? she was just like 'yes this is my son now. max and i share custody'#and you know what? bart can have five+ parents. thats allowed. good for him
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Of all the hours I've put into DATV so far, I think only 25% of them have been spent actually playing the game.
50% were spent in the character creator, trying to make Rook bear less of a resemblance to the Crimson Chin.
And the remaining 25% I just spent staring at the screen, trying to figure out whether my Rook would save Treviso or Minrathous.
#dragon age#datv#she saves minrathous#she actually naively believes that she can save both cities#she has a very warped perception of strength#so when lucanis who she considers a Top Dog goes to Treviso she thinks sending Davrin -- the other Top Dog -- and Harding will be enough#the boys are so strong! and Harding's magic isn't half-bad either! Surely they will prevail!#while she takes Bellara (who she wrongly assumes to be the weakest) to Minrathous#Atlas ranks Neve at number 3 for strength and figures that between Neve and herself (she thinks very highly of herself) and whatever#extra support Bellara can render that they will succeed#the reason Atlas herself goes to Minrathous is because she is TERRIFIED of the Venatori gaining power#she remembers what happened at Adamant Fortress#if the Venatori successfully seize control of Tevinter they will be capable of destroying the Grey Wardens for good this time#or worse corrupting them beyond recognition#i cannot wait to see her suffer for picking minrathous over treviso#because im pretty sure it's the objectively wrong choice#minrathous has a chance at defending itself. treviso does not
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human designs are genuinely so much fun because i get to actually REALLY stretch my character design muscles and play around with different facial features and body types and such, as i have discussed a million times and probably will discuss a million more
however. it is also often devastating. because i am constantly being forced to confront the fact that the characters who suck the most and deserve it the absolute least WILL without fail be the most fitted to the exact designs that are so extremely obviously My Type that there are a couple that i canāt show to my friends without them giving me a look
#YOU KNOW THE EXACT KIND OF LOOK IM TALKING ABOUT. ITS HORRIBLE#having friends was a MISTAKE im just gettinf BULLIED!!!!!!!!!!#havent drawn any recently but currently thinking of the time i showed my rommmate that one drawing of fluff#and near instantly being met with āi think you have a typeā because the refs i used for him were various stupid fucking emo boys#(of the rodrick heffley and colan grey variety which is admittedly a weird mix of gender envy and If I Had To Pick A Dude)#anyway i think it would have been less hurtful and awful and mean if she had instead shot me point blank#and THEN on the other side of things characters do not deserve a while ago i was wondering how ebony would look after a few years on hrt#and was anguished to realize that by far the most fitting body type for her would in fact be jasper steven universe. im still mad about it#all this talk about how i dont understand what people see in ebony and then realizing that being a woman instead is all it takes for me#because i can say with full confidence that if i had realized how transfem coded ebony was from the beginning and seen her that way the-#-whole time. well i canāt say i wouldnāt have been thirsting for her louder than everybody else. god damn it#like genuinely jasper is one of those characters i cannot even pretend to be normal about. so you should know how mad i am about this#big buff woman who does horrible things to feel some sense of pride or accomplishment from an outside force and herself#who as an extension of that willingly and gleefully allows herself to be abused and actively seeks that out because of how twisted her-#-sense of connection and understanding are with other people as a direct result of a past that was entirely out of her control but that-#-she never really left even when she pretended she had moved on and grown from it as The Perfect Quartz who everyone praises and loves#im laying all this out about her so that you fully understand how furious i was to realize that this is ebony. what do you fucking MEANNNNNN#EBONY DOESNT DESERVE ALL THAT COME ON. AND HEāS AS HOT AS SHE IS TOO????????? FUCK OFF?????????????#i have to reverse all realizations ive ever had about my own sense of attraction i think. get rid of it#actually i HATE stupid emo boys and mean brutish buff women. cant STAND em. they should all DIE!!!!!!!!!!#AND NOT IN A COOL CHARACTER-DEEPENING WAY EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Through some kind of miracle I think I have figured out the oot situation in hyrules curse and I cannot tell yall how relieved that makes me considering it was giving me such a headache that I just left it alone for several months-
#BASICALLY sheik still uses the ocarina of time and reverts time and that creates the adult timeline#and because time is fucking Weird and Strange and the ocarina is damn persistent in keeping ahold of its wielder#sheik goes by in time but still holds onto his memories. and so does the zelda that's now left alone in the adult timeline#time is fucking Complicated but the basic fact is. wielders of the ocarina remember no matter what#and said wielders can choose if said person remembers or noy#not*#that's why time remembers when he's brought back and sheik has no choice BUT to remember#this means that the downfall and adult timelines DO exist but cia actually didnt split open all timelines#she only split open the CHILD timeline since that's the timeline she's on#and she ends up fucking about the sksw time as well thanks to the time gates giving her an insta teleport to that time period#if cia TRIED to split open the downfall and adult timeline there's a very real chance that it would unravel and spiral out of control#which even cia is not skilled enough to stop entirely. so she decides that fucking about with the child timeline is more than enough#THAT'S ALSO WHY SHE DOESNT FUCK WITH MC. BECAUSE SHE DOESNT HAVE A GATE TO THAT TIME PERIOD#AND MC IS OUTSIDE OF THE CHILD TIMELINE SO SHE JUST CANT GO THERE. SHE NEEDS A TIME GATE.#and mc does not have a time gate. so she simply cannot fuck about with mc.#but botw/totk. tp. oot. sksw. and hw ? ooooohhhhhh yeahhhhh baby !!!!!#I cant wait for my baby to get back from camping I want to infodump this to him so bad-
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the temptation to go back and look at the Swan Queen AU I was writing that was *strongly* inspired by my now gf is crazy today but i also know there's a reason I never published it and also I'm sure it would be horrifically mortifying to be reminded of what that version of me was thinking LMAO
#i was essentially creating a fantasy version of life in which my gf and I got together (at the time this was completely implausible IRL)#except i had cast Regina as my gf and Emma was my self insert#a horribly embarassing concept i am telling you#but at the same time. i cannot pretend that my obsession with my gf did not start bc she reminded me of Regina š¤¦š»āāļø#she does not like this bc she doesnt like to think I'm just projecting a fictional character onto her#so i have to remind her that that was 10 years ago and i didnt actually know her at the time#i have to say tho... there are still some personality similarities to a certain type of Regina characterization that has been very popular#anywayyy#whyyy this is clearly why i havent read any swan queen fanfic since we got together#it makes my brain do weird things that probably are not good for my relationship#but also maybe it *would* be helpful if when she sasses me i could just be like 'wow what a Regina thing to say' instead of getting pissed#hahahahaha#Im like if Emma cried every time Regina was sassy at her instead of thinking it was funny or endearing#its not a good look#my gf thinks its a generational issue bc 'all her friends talk like that'#i think its just a me having a deep seated fear that people are actually mad at me all the time problem#this post got out of control i should delete it but i wont#personal
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there's a lot to say about how house md treats women but I will say the show lets the women be way more complicated than some shows today
like yall still aren't ready for cameron
#ā¢ļø.txt#cameron fascinates me. both how fandom responds to her and within the show itself#her moral conflict IS interesting and the bizaare pedestal she put house on is microscope worthy#actually how she views house in general interests me. shes the first to realize a lot of what he does is to intentionally distance himself#but she also misreads him in ways no one else does. specifically because she accepted that he does care!#i also still think about how she assumes house is at fault when chase kills the dictator which tbh is a REALLY interesting opinion to me#dont get me wrong house definitely changed chase and it turned into him becoming a lot like house#however. house freaks out every time a patient asks to die. even when its reasonable house spirals out of control#trying to find a reason for it to be unreasonable. it doesnt matter if a patient is about to die unless hes completely out of ideas he#physically cannot stop. its compulsive. he does offer euthanasia in certain circumstances and theres patients where he clearly#does not care if they live or die. but his entire medical identity is based on saving lives regardless of who they are#he doesnt /care/ that a dictator got killed and probably does think chase made a decent choice. but its not what house wouldve done#house mightve set something up. tipped off an insurgent. let someone into the room. but he'd force the decision into someone elses hands#but cameron does think house would kill someone if he hated them enough. because he plays god constantly#which is such a fascinating misunderstanding of house's motives from someone who generally likes him
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one of the dramas from the wedding was one of the grooms cousins (on the other side not mine) just not wearing the clothes we had made for her specifically
#i think they cost smth like 1 lakh rupees so that is crazy#she is such a bitch i cannot believe it#when asked about it she just laughed in our faces and said it didnt fit.. it was custom made and she was the one who sent the measurements#and all of the other cousins wore matching ones in different clothes#she just thinks shes better than us.. bc she managed to go to the us and now has a fake american accent also#i dont get this inferiority complex our people have. it is ridiculous.#i told everyone we should we should ask for the clothes back since she clearly doesnt want them but they said it was a gift so no#actually i think she just wanted to be 'modern' and our clothes were a traditional gharara#so she came with her legs out :/#tbh she looked bad anyways so . actually idgaf#she literally did not acknowledge me or my sister at all i think she considers us . i dont know like their maids that were brought along#its actually crazy like. she was acting like she was closer to the bride and groom than we were and we were just some randos#its basically my brother who is getting married and we havent spoken to this girl for years?? she was the reason my aunt came to the uk#bc she used to beat up my cousin (who got married) when he was little and my aunt didnt want to be around her and her mum didnt control her#imagine breaking the family up and being hated by the immediate relatives of the groom and acting like you are the vip guest..#havent told my cousin how she acted with us yet bc partially its like whats the point shes nobody#but i feel like his wife thinks shes super nice bc of course she was sucking up to her#i dont want to be a bad sister in law and cause problems so i'll just keep it to myself#not like anyone will talk to her again so what does it matter#it was nice seeing our side of the family though#especially one of my great aunties who accoring to my sister i was 'glazing' lmaoo#maybe its bc they know i am my mothers daughter and the other side dont?#i feel like its still unacceptable behavoiur though. just rude for no reason you could at least say hello
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WE STILL GOT ARCANEEEEE
#ambessa saying mel is safer as their enemy..... OOF we are going to get her side of the story this season#one thing i dont like is that they are really hauling ass in the first episode like damn. cait and vi are too quickly on the way to raid imo#i cannot velieve my fucking eyes..... vi dropping her gauntlets to keep kissing akdhaksjsk and OF COURSE cait is the one to do it OF COURSE!#were is thay gif of the butch watching football and raising her fist bc they scored that is me right now aldjsksnsl#vi saying please dont change bc she is seeing the signs is so AJDHAKSJK the break up will end lives..... i see why vi becomes an alcoholic#salo and cait wlw mlm hostility for reals#ambessa seeing cait as a rival the second she does her job and uses her military power.... yeah bc she has a real goal not just power grab#jayce fucking up vi and cait by messing with the arcane omg they are IN DANGER!!! JAYCE STOP FUCKING UUUP!!!!#OH MY GOD CAITLYN!!!!! HITTING VI ENOUGH FOR HER TO CRY OH MY GOOOOOD!!!#THERE IS JUST SO MUCH AKDJSKSKAL THE CHILD!!!! JINX GOT A NEW SISTER NOW VI GOODBYE#also vi wasnt going to kill her and jinx told the child to stop.... the only person there willing was cait and look at her.....#also sevika vs cait.... oof.... and jinx fighting vi BARE FISTED!!! GIRL!!!!#what can i fucking say like god.... āis her blood through your veinsā āi thought you were differentā#jinx is right i hope they got to you know before all of this akdjaksjsk.... christ#also amazing how vi told cait to don't change and she did it 10 minutes later.... girl you are in for it...#i think they just dont understand each other yet but they are in such a situation that they keep changing every 2 minutes so they never do#does that make sense loke ofc cait changed when her mother died and vi did too bc she accepted that her sister was gone#so in a way cait changed and vi stayed the same.... cait liked her āchangeā but vi did not like cait#ambessa bringing caitlyn to.be a general oh my gooooood her stress is going to get thru the roof like she doesn't have enough to deal with#its bc she knows she can control her... of course she offered her army to her.... and she doesn't mind putting her in danger#AND SHE DID ORCHESTRATE THE ATTACK!!!! OOOF#MEL PLEASEEEE TALK TO CAITLYN PLEASEEEE#like of course she disappears RIGHT NOW!!!#my god... also vis drinking buddy has left too.... of course.... you're good man....#talking tag#watching arcane#watching arcane season 2
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Its so hard to get to sleep lately because i an dreading so much in the near future like i dont want to end my game for the day cause it just moves me closer to shit i don't want to live through.
#im teetering...........#I fucking want to move far away so anything anyone else does doesn't affect my everyday life anymore#sick to fucking death of shit changing and i have NO CONTROL IN MY LIFE#I am just an element of everyone elses life#I feel like i cant do anything i actually want to with myself#i don't have the space or the respect or the money or the ability or the right mind or the strength here#No one has ever given me an inch to grow and spread out#I cannot stand this feeling anymore of ending everything feeling like the only agency i actually have#I can't even control when i wake up in the morning because shes so fucking insanely loud#Tomorrow she will wake me hp at 8am again and i will still be here up until 3am bevause i am so miserable.
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#like i definitely have to hide my meds#because if my mother knows#she will actively try and fuck around with things and stop me taking them#like#she's hidden my waterbottle books snacks all sorts of things from my room she just comes in and takes it#because she has to be right#she's so controlling and always has to have things go her way#so she does this kinda stuff to mess with me and fuck around#literally today#like its the 3rd time shes taken my waterbottle and hidden it#whatever her intentions are it doesn't matter rn its her actions that do#and her actions are really shitty and affecting me really badly!#so unsurprisingly im very done with putting up with a ton of bullshit#like she justifies the waterbottle thing with well its plastic#but like ffs like i do not drink water if i cannot see it#why tf are you making it harder#and like#to that she says i should jsut suck it up?#why fucking make life harder then expect me to cope when lifes already hard#make it easier and stop being a puritan#same kinda thing applies to like to do lists etc#she says i cant put things down i should remember them#before used to shame me for having things noted down#before i started hiding everything away neatly
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ik this is my aesthetic sideblog but i just need to be vulnerable and Not On Main for a moment thank u
#i have been seeing someone lately and it is going so well like. truly So Well. and naturally part of me is like 'well why don't we sabotage#that' because 1) obviously i do not deserve good things and 2) i still am So Fucking Hung Up on h. like it has been YEARS the time we dated#is literally a BLIP in the timeline like it does not count. BARELY dated we hooked up ONCE like why does she still have this stupid fucking#control over me still. so much so that i am fully thinking i should call this off bc i cannot date someone when i'm still not over her#again! it has been YEARS!! like as in ten since we dated! eight since we hooked up!! five since we saw each other in person last!!!#and the person i'm seeing is so fucking cute and sweet and i love talking to them and spending time with them and they are also like. So Ho#and also Not my ex best friend!!!!!#i just. h and i live in the same city now. it's not out of the realm of possibility that we run into each other. and i don't know what i'd#do if we did. but i need to accept that facebook friends is all we will ever be and that i will never get the 'closure' i want so bad#trying to make myself believe and accept the last meeting theory but i just. idk#this is stupid i'm a wreck i'm so sorry i will be deleting this later i just need to get it out of my stupid fucking brain
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my mom told me that my stepdad got diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder last night by his basically retired therapist whoās worked with him for like 15 years and that she straight up Laughed in his face when he told herā¦ like ok yeah he sucks and i hate him too but girly do you think that was hurtful or helpful
#she also yells at him and yells complaining abt him to me bc he doesnāt remember to do things#and itās like Girly i think you may be in denial that your 65 y/o husband is showing clear signs of at least parkinsons if not dementia too#perhaps he does not have control over the fact that he forgets to eat and drink every day#sheās such a mess and How many times have i been like Girly Seek Help. i am not your therapist#you cannot vent to me Yelling for an hour first thing when i wake up and expect me to be normal abt it#ANYWAY!!!!!!!!#basically iām just a kid and life is a nightmare etc.
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So. Those Dead Boy Detectives, huh?
#gay love confession as part of an ~escape from (super)hell?#who knew it was possible!#(also listen i went into the show 100% thinking the boys were brothers#i cannot even tell you the ~delight at Edwin's romantic feelings not only being genuine#but the development of them being a core part of the plot#i mean damn)#epic found family stuff was on point as well#and ~all the relationships being explored not just romance#the utter lack of a love triangle despite several options for one#with it always being crushed by the relevant parties genuinely caring about the love interest enough to wish them the best even with another#and Edwin just caring about Crystal himself anyway#Monty ultimately caring for Edwin more than having his feelings requited#and all the antagonists who ended up being all complex and shit and not just villains actually#(except David fuck that guy :p and Ester as well really though she did ofc have a notable backstory)#Cat King a fascinating example since his behaviour is so predatory/controlling/toxic at times#~and yet - he obviously does care for Edwin and helps out#so much about everyone dealing with their own trauma/issues#how that can make you yourself toxic/unkind/etc#and yet how everyone is capable of change - of regretting their past and working to be better#as seen in Crystal#but also minor characters like Edwin's bully Simon#aaah so much to love#my heart is aching over this#season 2 when#??#(and i haven't even started on Ruthie!!)
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they're in love your honor
#i hadn't thought of Peri as the domestic type but you know what? after the past few years he's had he probably does settle down a bit#he gets tired of Doing Things yknow?#and baldur's gate's harpers probably werent the only ones targeted by the cult so he would have plenty of rebuilding to do in waterdeep#went from having the Trauma Zoomies to refusing to travel anywhere further than a tenday away in the span of three years#he probably starts wandering again after a bit though#sometimes convincing Gale to come with him sometimes not#he gets Gale to come with him to Eberron one (1) time#in my head (because i can do what i want) the whole 'wizards live a long-ass time sometimes' thing happens to both of them#(peri's. less pleased about this than gale is when they figure out what's going on)#so they've got plenty of time to get into trouble#also idk if the age extension thing is meant to always be a thing wizards do on-purpose but in my mind it's not always#sometimes the weave just Decides and there's not much you can do about it#(mystra is also upset that her ex and her ex-champion who's VERY loud about her being an asshole are sticking around somehow)#(she might be intrinsically tied to the weave but 1. it's a phenomena all on its own and 2. there are other deities of magic in faerun)#(she may be in charge so killing her messes shit up but it doesn't make sense that she's. like. the only conduit? if that makes sense?)#(so her being around makes the weave accessible to mortals but someone would eventually take her place if she died like she did with Mystral#(and the weave is intrinsic to faerun so it will always regenerate when lost. because how are you supposed to create a new god...#(...of arcane magic if the weave is completely destroyed?)#(i'm fully talking out of my ass btw)#(idk what the official wotc answer to this is and i dont care. weave is like a force of nature and cannot be fully controlled b/c I Said So)#bg3#baldurs gate 3#gale of waterdeep#gale dekarios#bg3 tav#peregrine faulkner#gale x tav#bg3 fanart#my art#wizbands
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